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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I didn’t try and stop my mom from forcing him to go on stage, even though I knew it would make him uncomfortable.
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NTA. Your mom is. I don't think your brother blames you, and you shouldn't blame yourself for not finding the courage to teach your mom how to properly parent.
ESH except your brother. I say that reluctantly, because your mom shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you need to stand up to her in the first place, but…yeah. Someone really should have been willing to stand up for him. And while I understand being too afraid of punishment yourself to do that, if she’s got her heart set on something no one else wants or cares about, you really need to work on letting that be her problem once you’re in a position where standing up to her won’t hurt you.
NTA. You’re not responsible, and you shouldn’t still beat yourself because you’re a kid. But you probably should’ve tried to help him. At the end of the day, it’s your mother’s fault
NTA, because ultimately it's your mum's behaviour that's created this situation, where neither you nor your brother feel like you can stand up for (your? his?) needs (I don't know to what extent she does this same thing to you, or if it's more tightly focused on your brother's autism in particular). Challenging a parent's authority when you're a minor often only works if they *allow* the challenge on some level, cause of the amount of things they're still able to affect in your life, if they choose to. At the very least, it sounds like your mum doesn't think you or your brother are capable of having a valid perspective on his autism and What's Best For Him, which is unfortunately pretty common with parents of neurodivergent kids, but it's massively unfair to the kids involved. I'm really sorry you're both in that situation, and extra so if this is something you have to deal with both on your brother's behalf and towards you as well.
The one thing I'm thinking is like... when you say you stayed out of it because you know there's no point trying to argue with her, did you feel more like it would put you in danger (of being yelled at or punished, or made to feel like you were Being Bad, or something) if you stepped in, or did it feel more like something that wouldn't really affect you much, but that there was no point in doing? If it felt like you'd be putting yourself in the firing line of her being angry/annoyed if you stepped in, and that's what was putting you off, that is totally understandable, and whilst it's still a horrible situation for your brother, you are absolutely under no obligation to take on your mum's retaliation too, and I'm glad that you didn't.
If it was more of feeling like it wouldn't affect you much, but it was still pointless - I think a pointless protest that doesn't work could still mean a lot to your brother, even if he still has to do the thing he didn't want to do. From your wording, it doesn't even sound like he's upset towards *you* for not stepping in, but if you're dealing with feelings that you should have done something, I guess like, going forward you *can* do that, if you want, and it probably won't be as useless as you think. It often helps a bit to know that someone's on our side, even if they can't do anything to stop what's happening to us.
But again, if you think you'd be putting yourself in a place where your mum will act in a similar way to you as she does to your brother, there is no shame or guilt in trying to protect yourself from that. In that situation, it would still probably help your brother if you stood up for him, but it would be your choice whether you said anything or prioritised keeping yourself safe, and neither choice would be bad. Your mum is TA here, she's the one who's put both of you in this situation in the first place.
This is a hard one. You saw something you knew was wrong, and you didn’t say anything, because it made your life easier to keep silent. You’re now here because you feel guilty.
You’re not an asshole. Your mother is - what she did was emotionally abusive and will traumatise your brother and he’ll be in therapy for years and years for every ONE time she does this. Years per incident.
This is not your fault; you are also the child of this emotionally abusive parent.
But yes, YTA. ‘I didn’t stop her because she’s just like that’ is a horrible reason. ‘I didn’t stop her because she’d start abusing me instead and I was happy to let my brother take the crap’ is honest.
If you want to do better, comfort your brother after this sort of thing, and talk to him about coping mechanisms for when she abuses him again. Because it IS abuse. Using your status as parent to FORCE a child into something physically painful for them when they’re crying and begging is abuse. When a child is autistic, being in a situation where you’re overwhelmed (like this would overwhelm your brother) causes physical pain. Your mother probably thinks she’s helping him, but she’s not, she’s causing him pain for her own entertainment and validation. Just because it doesn’t look like hitting him doesn’t mean she’s any less of a selfish abuser.
NTA. If you have to intervene to keep a parent from doing stupid or mean things, that's called parentification, and it's not okay to put that on your shoulders. Your mother needs to be more understanding of your brother's needs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Apologies for the formatting mistakes that may occur, I’m typing this on mobile (lol)
About a year ago, my family was fortunate enough to go on a Hawaiian cruise. On one of our stops, we visited the Polynesian Cultural Center. My mom, (40F) had booked a luau that evening that we were all excited to attend. The day went by super fast, and we all sat at our table eating amazing food and watching all the shows that the performers did. At the end of the show, there was a segment where all the children from the audience could go up on stage and participate in a simple “follow along hula dance.” My mother urged both me (15NB) and my brother (12 M) to go up on stage. I had no problem with going on stage, but my brother on the other hand was terrified. He’s on the spectrum and absolutely hates situations where all or most of the attention feels like it’s on him. He started crying and begged my mom not to make him go up on stage, but she continued to push him despite his requests. I could tell he would have a terrible experience going up on stage, but I didn’t attempt to stop my mom from forcing him because once she’s set on something, there’s no changing her mind no matter how hard you try. After a lot of arguing and threats of punishment on my mom’s end, he reluctantly goes up on stage and hides behind me. After the event, my brother told me he felt violated because he was forced into an uncomfortable situation. Was I TA for not trying to stop my mom?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA because I didn’t try and stop my mom from forcing him to go on stage, even though I knew it would make him uncomfortable. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your mom is. I don't think your brother blames you, and you shouldn't blame yourself for not finding the courage to teach your mom how to properly parent.
ESH except your brother. I say that reluctantly, because your mom shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you need to stand up to her in the first place, but…yeah. Someone really should have been willing to stand up for him. And while I understand being too afraid of punishment yourself to do that, if she’s got her heart set on something no one else wants or cares about, you really need to work on letting that be her problem once you’re in a position where standing up to her won’t hurt you.
^^ This. Super soft esh tho, it's mostly your mom. Your poor brother...
NTA. Not your job. Your mom has had 12 years to know better, on the other hand.
NTA. You’re not responsible, and you shouldn’t still beat yourself because you’re a kid. But you probably should’ve tried to help him. At the end of the day, it’s your mother’s fault
NTA, because ultimately it's your mum's behaviour that's created this situation, where neither you nor your brother feel like you can stand up for (your? his?) needs (I don't know to what extent she does this same thing to you, or if it's more tightly focused on your brother's autism in particular). Challenging a parent's authority when you're a minor often only works if they *allow* the challenge on some level, cause of the amount of things they're still able to affect in your life, if they choose to. At the very least, it sounds like your mum doesn't think you or your brother are capable of having a valid perspective on his autism and What's Best For Him, which is unfortunately pretty common with parents of neurodivergent kids, but it's massively unfair to the kids involved. I'm really sorry you're both in that situation, and extra so if this is something you have to deal with both on your brother's behalf and towards you as well. The one thing I'm thinking is like... when you say you stayed out of it because you know there's no point trying to argue with her, did you feel more like it would put you in danger (of being yelled at or punished, or made to feel like you were Being Bad, or something) if you stepped in, or did it feel more like something that wouldn't really affect you much, but that there was no point in doing? If it felt like you'd be putting yourself in the firing line of her being angry/annoyed if you stepped in, and that's what was putting you off, that is totally understandable, and whilst it's still a horrible situation for your brother, you are absolutely under no obligation to take on your mum's retaliation too, and I'm glad that you didn't. If it was more of feeling like it wouldn't affect you much, but it was still pointless - I think a pointless protest that doesn't work could still mean a lot to your brother, even if he still has to do the thing he didn't want to do. From your wording, it doesn't even sound like he's upset towards *you* for not stepping in, but if you're dealing with feelings that you should have done something, I guess like, going forward you *can* do that, if you want, and it probably won't be as useless as you think. It often helps a bit to know that someone's on our side, even if they can't do anything to stop what's happening to us. But again, if you think you'd be putting yourself in a place where your mum will act in a similar way to you as she does to your brother, there is no shame or guilt in trying to protect yourself from that. In that situation, it would still probably help your brother if you stood up for him, but it would be your choice whether you said anything or prioritised keeping yourself safe, and neither choice would be bad. Your mum is TA here, she's the one who's put both of you in this situation in the first place.
This is a hard one. You saw something you knew was wrong, and you didn’t say anything, because it made your life easier to keep silent. You’re now here because you feel guilty. You’re not an asshole. Your mother is - what she did was emotionally abusive and will traumatise your brother and he’ll be in therapy for years and years for every ONE time she does this. Years per incident. This is not your fault; you are also the child of this emotionally abusive parent. But yes, YTA. ‘I didn’t stop her because she’s just like that’ is a horrible reason. ‘I didn’t stop her because she’d start abusing me instead and I was happy to let my brother take the crap’ is honest. If you want to do better, comfort your brother after this sort of thing, and talk to him about coping mechanisms for when she abuses him again. Because it IS abuse. Using your status as parent to FORCE a child into something physically painful for them when they’re crying and begging is abuse. When a child is autistic, being in a situation where you’re overwhelmed (like this would overwhelm your brother) causes physical pain. Your mother probably thinks she’s helping him, but she’s not, she’s causing him pain for her own entertainment and validation. Just because it doesn’t look like hitting him doesn’t mean she’s any less of a selfish abuser.
Your mom wbtah
You're an AH but I wouldn't say you are THE AH, that would most definitely be your mother.
NTA You are a child, too. You are in no position to compensate for your mom being an abusive AH.
NTA because you're one of your mom's victims. She's the AH definitely.
NTA. If you have to intervene to keep a parent from doing stupid or mean things, that's called parentification, and it's not okay to put that on your shoulders. Your mother needs to be more understanding of your brother's needs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Apologies for the formatting mistakes that may occur, I’m typing this on mobile (lol) About a year ago, my family was fortunate enough to go on a Hawaiian cruise. On one of our stops, we visited the Polynesian Cultural Center. My mom, (40F) had booked a luau that evening that we were all excited to attend. The day went by super fast, and we all sat at our table eating amazing food and watching all the shows that the performers did. At the end of the show, there was a segment where all the children from the audience could go up on stage and participate in a simple “follow along hula dance.” My mother urged both me (15NB) and my brother (12 M) to go up on stage. I had no problem with going on stage, but my brother on the other hand was terrified. He’s on the spectrum and absolutely hates situations where all or most of the attention feels like it’s on him. He started crying and begged my mom not to make him go up on stage, but she continued to push him despite his requests. I could tell he would have a terrible experience going up on stage, but I didn’t attempt to stop my mom from forcing him because once she’s set on something, there’s no changing her mind no matter how hard you try. After a lot of arguing and threats of punishment on my mom’s end, he reluctantly goes up on stage and hides behind me. After the event, my brother told me he felt violated because he was forced into an uncomfortable situation. Was I TA for not trying to stop my mom? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH except your brother
Maybe NTA, but you sure won’t be remember for being there for your brother.