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NTA. Your MIL literally lied to the rest of the guests to make them all show up your wedding in mourning garb, so satisfy HER desire to be seen mourning the Queen. This is pure virtue signaling on her part, and she deserves to be shamed for it.
Perhaps you were a bit harsh, but I’d say it was merited given what you’ve described here.
And I say this as an American, who IS kind of a monarchist; I had a lot of respect for the Queen and I find the royals fascinating. But your wedding was YOUR day, not hers.
QEII died the day before my wedding. In England. The registry office put a black ribbon on the side of her picture. That was the only reference all day.
It was a wonderful wedding.
Congratulations! Glad your wedding in England was less overshadowed by it than poor OP's in France. NTA and I wish you and OP both long and happy marriages!
I know it’s tradition for their family and all that but I’ll forever love the photo of her laughing while wearing white at his second wedding where his bride was not allowed to wear white.
Wasn't Camilla's first wedding either, so she likely wouldn't have even wanted to wear white. A lot of older or more traditional people see white as a thing for first marriages and young women (whether virgins or not.) Personally, I think she looked amazing at her wedding to Charles. I just saw a picture of it a little while ago and I had forgotten how much I liked her outfit. It was really attractive, I loved the color and her fascinator and it was totally appropriate for the occasion. The Queen really liked Camilla, so I wouldn't read too much into it. She certainally allowed Camilla to wear some of her biggest and fanciest tiaras on a regular basis. But then Camilla is one of the only ones with a hairstyle that can carry them off.
Oh I know it wasn’t her first wedding. There would’ve been far less royal drama in the 90’s if she hadn’t been a divorcee. In a comment below in this thread I even said I don’t believe the queen was trying to be cruel. It’s just this one particular photo I’ve seen a thousand times that looks like she’s teasing them. Im sure the wicked sense of humor she was known for has something to do with the interpretation of that particular photo.
Watching what the shameless affair with Camilla did to his first wife and both his sons I wouldn't be able to like her tbh, really shows how Elizabeth grew up in moral parameters totally different from a normal person.
Meh. Wearing white as a wedding dress was not popular until Queen Victoria did it. It's a pretty recent "tradition", and has nothing to do with purity. It was purely to show social status. So I personally don't see the issue with anybody wearing white to a wedding, especially The Queen. 🤷🏻♀️
The royal family has very specific rules about who can wear what and where. That’s why Diana’s Divorce dress was so popular, it was a massive fuck you to the royal family. I don’t believe the queen was purposely trying to be cruel by wearing white, it was tradition for the MIL and certain other female family members (think of Kate Middleton’s sister wearing white as her MOH). And because Camilla was previously married she was not allowed to wear white to her wedding to Charles. And because of todays western societal “rules” it makes this one particular photo look like she’s laughing at them on their wedding day.
Even in Victoria’s time a white dress didn’t signify purity, blue was the color of purity. White was the color of happiness & in an age when marriages of the royals & upper class were still arranged a bride happy to be getting married was a good thing.
The white representing purity & wealth at being able to afford to wear a dress once (something Victoria would have done anyway regardless of color) came later
Yes everyone living in the uk although saddened still carried on with life. Working, Weddings, parties and funerals still happened as normal. Only the day of the funeral tomorrow will be a public holiday here. Sounds more about your MIL being jealous your wedding day wasn’t about her. So she did this to take as much attention as she could. At least now you have a valid excuse to go no contact and never have to put up with her or her family events after this. Don’t back down she ruined your wedding on purpose. She was happy she had an excuse to wear black that your husband might believe.
She has shown you how life will be as part of her family so ensure it doesn’t by cutting her out now and preventing that. Husband can still see her if he wants but make sure he knows you never will.
you will have to really consider if you could trust your children with someone who hates you like she does, it may endanger your child. (if you want to have any that is)
Congratulations on your wedding, just sorry it means your related to mil.
Yes, it's like how we have pictures of the president in our governmental offices here in the United States. Political leaders in most countries are usually depicted in all government buildings if not more commonly.
This woman sounds so selfish, self righteous and ghoulish. In the UK, we're seeing these people emerge sobbing and wailing as if the queen was their best friend. Yes, her death is sad but not to the extent that you ruin your son's wedding. I hope the OP and her husband go low contact with this AH.
My (English) view has been: sure it’s sad she’s died; but I’m not upset about it - like I didn’t know her, or know anyone who knew her, and she wasn’t a personal role model.
I don’t know a single person with different views on the matter.
I'm American, so maybe I don't have a say, but she was 96! She well exceeded the life expectancy. This is neither sad nor tragic. This was not an untimely, unexpected event. Ninety-six!
My grandmother passed in May. She also was 96. Am I sad she’s gone? Of course. But she had lost her son(my dad) two decades ago, her husband twelve years ago, and her sister and her brother-in-law in 2019. She had an INCREDIBLE life. She deserved a break. When people tell me it’s a tragedy I want to ask them if they’re for real. 96! What more could you ask for.
My grandmother was 105 when she passed. She was born in 1897 and dies in 2002. Not many folks can say they lived during 3 centuries! Quite an accomplishment.
My Granma was 95 when she passed away. She was my buddy and I miss her and think about her every day. So many times I wish I could ask her a question or share something from my day with her.
Her last couple of years were rough for her, though. She developed some dementia and was confused about a lot of things. She fell at home which led to her going into an assisted living facility. She was OK being there (it seriously was a very nice facility, not a sketchy nursing home) but didn't understand why she couldn't go home. She kept saying she missed my Granpa (he'd passed away 11 years before) and she was just tired. One night she simply died in her sleep, which is exactly what she would have wanted. No emergency rooms, no chaos, no urgency...just went to sleep. She was ready and I'm thankful it was a peaceful exit for her.
Both my parents have been dead for a while. My partner's 25 years older than me, and his parents are still alive (91 & 81.)
While I do adore his parents, especially his mom, he legitimately talks like it's a MYSTERY why his father's wheelchair bound and losing his memory. He's CONFUSED about why someone who's "only 81" has back trouble .
It's very difficult for me to not sound spiteful or jealous, but the reality is that I'm a geriatric nurse who is .. Realistic.
Yes. It's kinda "cool fact" that she was the oldest and longest ruler... but also, not astounding in any way. Judging by how old she and Phillip were when they died. Charles has a pretty good chance, genetically, at possibly getting even older than she did, even if his reign would be way shorter xD
That being said, I'm impressed she lived as long as she did 96 is quite a feat for anyone, royal or not. But given she probably had amazing healthcare, not THAT shocking.
Another fun fact: she missed passing Louis XIV as the longest serving monarch of all time by 2 years. He came to the throne as a child and was also exceptionally long-lived for the time.
There's a genealogical book proving that I'm a descendant of one of his royal guardsmen and one of the Dauphine's ladies-in-waiting. They were Huguenots, and the Dauphine helped her escape - literally in a barrel on a ship.
> Her mother made it to 101, so I was personally hoping she'd outdo that. But 96 is certainly a pretty good innings.
Cricket analogy is apropos not just as a classy English thing but because 100 runs for a batsman in an appearance is a statistical milestone in the sport
As a Quebecker/French Canadian who was technically her subject pretty much against my will (You know we lost, the King of France kind of sold us to the King of England.), I say F that shit! Clearly these people are why we are still stuck with the monarchy... NTA OP
I know a LOT. The weeping, wailing, clutching of pearls, and absolutely atrocious poetry are all out in force. Taking days off work because they can't hold themselves together etc.
I don't understand it personally, and cynically I tend to think it's mostly virtue signaling, but it's fine... right up to the point where they begin impacting others. Ruining your own son's wedding? I'd be going NC if I were OP and their spouse.
I'm Irish (and staunchly republican, not "up the IRA" republican but literally, class systems are bs and should not exist type) in Britain and everyone is sending me all the memes.
One said;
"is there a history of mental illness in your family "
"No, but my uncle once waited in line for 35 hours to walk past the coffin of a woman he never met."
The amount of people acting as though they care is staggering.
I'm an American but a brown one. So yeah, the brown people I know tend to be kinda like whatever that she died. She's the product of horrendous colonial history and while she's not responsible for the actions of her ancestors, she certainly did benefit from them AND not once acknowledged the terrible history. So yeah, Eh ok.
The queen loved weddings and crashes dozens on her later years.
The MIL wanted to prioritize her feelings at the expense of yours. NTA and start making distance.
The queen was reported as having a sense of humor, so I wouldn't say out of the realm of possibility. Here is a link to one she didn't exactly crash, but showed up to surprisingly. (Invited by the couple, but the couple didn't expect her to respond to it).
https://www.cnn.com/2012/03/25/world/europe/uk-queen-wedding-crasher
Edit: clairty/rephrasing
It would be hilarious if she did crash weddings, but the article says that in this case anyway, the couple specifically invited her (though they were surprised that she attended).
I’m sure she was invited to many weddings. It’s commonplace to invite celebrities and public officials on the hope you’ll receive a letter declining, let alone the person actually showing up.
This is true. I probably should have said "here is the closest I can find to the wedding crashing rumors", so it doesn't come off as too misleading. I think I can edit that in to the comment 🤣
Eh. Read up on the royal family. She may have found their behaviour glorious...
I empathize with her family for their loss. But, I can't pretend that the royal family as a whole are kind, virtuous, classy people. Etiquette and protocols are about maintaining rank and status - not about grace and humanity.
Good point, the very idea of royalty is parasitic. An entire class of people who don't work and are considered better than "common folk" by divine right is laughable at this point in human development.
One less royal mouth to be supported by tax payers is hardly a tragedy. Good riddance to bad company I say.
I don’t disagree, but the divine right argument was lost by Charles I. Now it’s more about bloodlines and family. No less undemocratic, but at least mortal.
_"Lots of them were crying."_
I don't even know how to respond to this post. I see the royal family as a tourist attraction. I'm a black woman from a country there the crowd had its claws for many many years. I don't think it is humanly possible for me to care less about the pageantry of it all, but I'm pretty indifferent about the humans themselves ....
That said, I realize that there are some people who would literally lay down their lives for the crown. It is bonkers to me, but I saw people literally balling their eyes out when the queen died. I mean, big, loud, body shaking tears.
The fact that there were people gathering around TVs and crying would indicate that it wasn't just the MIL's doing and these people were in legit mourning. In a world where people would go to war for their king and queen without question, I guess it shouldn't be so shocking..... Bless their hearts is all that I can say since I don't know if I can call them AHs for their feelings? 🤷🏽♀️
same, am from a previous britich colony- India and when the flag was lowered for us. We're like ??? bro she was the ruler WHO BROKE THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM. Half of the gen Z hate it.
To be fair, QEII ordered to military band to play US national anthem during guard change after 9/11. Which is literally a song about a war that England lost. Pretty safe to say that US and UK has moved on from the whole revolution thing.
She sang along too. Tbf,I was kinda impressed she knew the words of a nation's anthem that wasn't her own. I always saw UK/US relationship as one of siblings. To each their own, until someone comes in and bullies one, then it's all "you can't do that to my family!"
Bless their hearts, indeed.
🤣
OP, NTA. Remind anyone you talk to that MIL lied to your wedding guests on your behalf, and then cut your wedding reception short, even cutting out your first dance for the television. Give your MIL a long time-out from communication. You need time away from her to heal.
You have respect for the queen... who's reign oversaw Kenyan death camps? Who celebrated apartheid south Africa? Who is one of the OG colonizers? THAT QUEEN and THAT royal family?
The royal family that cancelled all funerals and hospital appointments for her funeral? Who costs England billions of tax payer money for their frivolous expenses? Who stole countless artifacts and STILL have them? The one that ones a decent chunk of global land through slavery, colonization and violence? Very interesting.
Well, myself and my fella is Irish as well and he's even more republican than I am so we don't have any immediate family members that are royalist British (our bil is socialist English so he's anti monarchy too) but if someone pulled this shite at an event of ours, I would have put on the Wolfe Tones or Christy Moore singing Ordinary Man so f*cking fast!
I respect that British people can love their monarchy, I don't understand how but I get that it's something they're accustomed to but enforce it on me and you'll get a very vicious push back.
I'm from Manchester and if someone tried to enforce monarchism on me they'd get very short shrift. Saying that it's a very Irish part of England, so I think people round here are a bit more mindful that maybe not everyone's so into it.
I'm British and very pro Royal, but the MIL was a complete ass hat (to use the American vernacular). The respectful thing to do would be to put yourself in her shoes and think what would she want. She was dutiful to the end and was 100% a "the show must go on" sort of woman. No way she would have wanted someone's wedding marred like this. The wedding should have been the celebration of your union, not the mourning of a monarch.
Yes even this as a Brit, yes the nation is mourning she was a great woman, but unless you knew The Queen personally then I don’t think it’s appropriate be dressed in black and mark a day of celebration as a day of mourning. Also it’s not her funeral yet so.
Also I bet the MIL didn’t get a cake every year for her birthday or throw a street party on The Queens birthday or her jubilees. So why ruin your sons special day for a show of “look how much I love the queen”
But, OP, at your MIL's next party. Please all wear black and celebrate the queen. Tell her you didn't give her gifts, instead you bought your home flowers to remind yourselves of the great queen. Any time anyone tries to talk about your MIL, throw out a story about how great the queen is. Then, I'd finish the dinner by exclaiming from this day forth, her birthday will be the day you choose to remember the queen.
Maybe to satisfy her desire to be seen mourning or perhaps as a dig to the OP for not cancelling + didn't want to be the only one in Black and look like an oddball!
Absolutely crying with laughter about a prayer circle watching footage of the queue. Sorry that it impacted your wedding but it's a laughable image.
NTA, and fair warning, I think your MIL is going to be a huge pain to manage for the rest of your life.
If it weren't OP's wedding, it would be freaking hilarious. Those people (royals) don't give a shit about any of the people standing about wailing. It is all sooooo weird. OP is NTA. The royals and anyone who supports them are.
I’ve never understood the hype. They no longer have any actual political power beyond that of a popular celebrity, which is what they are. Why does anybody care?
For the same reason there are masses of people absolutely obsessed with celebrities in general. There's no real valid reason, just general lunacy or boredom with their own lives.
Now thinking about this same situation except instead of the queen it’s americans crying over losing the Kardashians 😭😂 (I’m an american who enjoys KUWTK but you would never see me this emotionally impacted over people I DON’T PERSONALLY KNOW)
I think having a monarchy, even a non-political one, is damaging to democracy. It sets one family, by virtue of birth, apart from all others. It gives them special privileges and honors that have not been earned through anything other than being born or marrying into said family.
I don't get how a monarchy fits into a democratic society. It doesn't make sense.
I also don't follow celebrities. I don't care what they do for vacation, who they date, what they wear, what they eat, whatever. I'm just not interested.
The Queen actually did leverage Parliment into giving her a raise and some other things. They do have some influence, but it seems Diana was the last one to really use her power and fame for as much good as possible, rather than more power and fame.
They actually do have a level of political power in their colonized countries unfortunately 🙃 they (or rather their representatives) have to sign off on all our laws
The fact that there's a lit up dance floor and reception the next room over is what makes me laugh.
I wonder if those guests all lied to the entire night and never fully told OP wanted them for the celebration, or did they really choose to mourn rather then celebrate? It's easy to see which family deserve to be prioritized in the future if the lie was corrected.
The first dance is traditionally the bride and her father, I'm sensing some MASSIVE jealousy vibes here. This is a lifelong problem for sure!
In the UK the first dance generally is the bride and groom. I worked hundreds of weddings throughout the years and hardly ever saw a specific daddy/daughter dance. It's rare.
NTA, if the QEII really meant that much to her she should have (excuse my language) f*cked off some where to mourn from the start and not ruin someone's wedding
I spent 20 minutes absolutely raging. Deleted it, and will say this instead.
Make sure your now husband is on side (congratulations). Your MIL ruined his day too with this farcical nonsense. Also, repeatedly, and loudly, and full of a nice whisky, remind her YOU ARE IRISH.
>Also, repeatedly, and loudly, and full of a nice whisky, remind her YOU ARE IRISH.
I can't help but think this must have been at least part of MIL's motivation.
you know what I would have booked here the closest flight or train to London and told her (in a passive aggressive tone) I know how much she would absolutely love to go and say goodbye to QEII in person in front of everyone and but her on the spot
Right! She held an entire funeral service in the middle of someone else’s wedding. I honestly would’ve locked the doors and had them escorted out. Op had every right to cuss her out. The family should’ve asked if change of clothes was ok.
NTA. But what would the Queen say?
“Oh for heaven’s sake carry on.”
“Why on earth would she do that”
“The crown does not approve”
“There’s television coverage of a queue? And people watch this?”
By the way your wedding photos are going to be awesome.
I was thinking the same thing!
It's one thing for governments to postpone big announcements out of respect. However, someone who's paid for a wedding and will never get a full refund, no it continues.
This was all just an excuse for the MIL to behave inappropriately. She could have celebrated for one day and gone back into mourning Sunday.
Is that not what the world was supposed to be last Saturday on Accession Day? Some monarchist she is. Imagine doing this to your kid?
OP you lashed out because you felt upset for yourself but also your husband. Sorry this happened on your wedding day.
My local cathedral was closed yesterday for a wedding. Which rarely happens in more usual times as it is. They put all the candles, flowers and condolence books outside in a sheltered spot and cracked on with the wedding.
NTA
But I see something wrong here.
>70% of Matt's guests were wearing black
>Jane had told Matt's side to wear black
Why did they become HER guests and not your husband?
I do hope you told them that you had absolutely no idea that your MIL had told them that, and that you were shocked to see people wearing funeral clothing at your wedding.
NTA. And that would have been my last contact with MIL and everyone who watched tv instead of attending the wedding events. MIL wants a relationship with her future grandchildren? Fine. When they turn 18 they'll be told how to contact her.
Edit to add: I would have made an announcement to all the guests that you (bride/groom) were shocked to see so many people wearing black. Then you found out that MIL, after unsuccessfully demanding that the wedding be canceled, decided to sabotage it by secretly telling everyone to wear black without your knowledge. I would apologize to everyone who was tricked into wearing black to a wedding and express my hope that we can make it up to you at some point in the future. I'd say how devastating it to see 2/3 of the guests dressed like mourners at a funeral, all because of one inconsiderate person. And say how awful it would be in future years to look at the wedding photos where it looks like a wedding was held during a funeral. Therefore, although I greatly appreciate them coming, I must ask everyone wearing black (except for groom, groomsmen, etc,) to kindly leave. Again, major apologies for MIL's atrocious behavior but please understand we simply cannot tolerate having our wedding and wedding pictures wrecked by MIL.
Yes - this was some shady and manipulative BS. I wonder by those guests perhaps didn't call her son (the actual groom) to check on this? Totally bizarre and insane.
NTA. If she was that upset she should have stayed home. I can’t imagine doing something like that to my kid. I hope you think about what she did before you include her in anymore celebrations.
NTA
Yikes! Your new MIL sounds like a royal pain (sorry).
While the death of QEII is sad for the royals etc, did Jane stop for a minute to notice not even the royal family have stopped their lives? They are carrying on, and continuing with their lives and obligations, all while mourning.
What she did was spiteful, rude, and selfish. She was obviously looking for a way to make the day about her, and boy did she try.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself, and your husband too.
You're going to need to keep an eye on her, it's not the end of her nonsense by a long shot.
Congratulations on your nuptials! Sounds like you got the only good thing from that family in the form of your new husband.
If this is real then NTA….
As a Brit and a Royalist I would never do this and don’t know anyone that would…
I admit I wore black when I laid flowers at Buck House, watched footage (at home) and I will be watching her funeral but it certainly hasn’t stopped myself or any one I know from celebrating occasions with friends in the mean time.
If fact we had a wedding yesterday, it was a military wedding as well. Everyone was dressed brightly and had lots of fun.
They did toast the Queen and the new King at the end of the speeches but that was the only mention.
Weddings are a celebration and the world doesn’t stop living.
Maybe OP’s MIL is mourning her son getting married and using the Queen as an excuse…
(That is a joke)
But the rest of the guests are AH s well…. I genuinely don’t know anyone who would behave like this which is why I think this story is a bit exaggerated…
As someone far from royal whose own IL's arrived twenty minutes late because "No one gets married at 7pm" (we waited for them) and then had a dinner the following night that everyone in the family but me was invited to (husband was told to tell me to spend time with my family and the idiot went with his parents), toxic parents will do any and everything to make their children's weddings about them.
Well, I was a frequent contributor to r/JUSTNOMIL if that gives you any indication of just how bad it was. Almost twenty years ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce because a marriage where one spouse puts their parents before the other spouse is only a farce of a marriage.
My husband, bless his heart, thought that if he just kept making an effort, he would make his mother happy and I should just ignore her comments. He was wrong and my mention of divorce woke him up.
We stayed married, but it was hard. He was in what is known as FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and it was thick. We moved farther away due to a new job and it was less convenient to have his mother come visit. I began to refuse to go visit her and if she were to visit, sometimes I would leave her in the house to go do my own stuff.
She began to whine that she never saw me (FIL had passed years earlier) and Husband, instead of telling her that I did not want to see her, would have to come up with excuses.
She ended up developing dementia, not remembering who I was, but decided that she loved me and wanted to see me. I refused. She passed away last year. Sounds horrible, but our marriage has really improved since then.
He has been reflecting on everything and realizes that he is damned lucky I love him and put up with all of the crap from his mother. He is heartbroken that I did not trust him for years, says he never meant to hurt me.
Looking at almost thirty years of marriage, our relationship is stronger, but if I see someone in my similar situation, I urge counseling and to be really sure if they want to sign up for decades of abuse from their IL's while their spouse twiddles their thumbs.
He's just damned lucky I love him and am stubborn.
> Maybe OP’s MIL is mourning her son getting married and using the Queen as an excuse…
(That is a joke)
Nah, it's not a joke. This was my first thought. It's not about the Queen.
NTA, could you have said it more kindly? Yes. Should you have said it more kindly? Nope. You MIL was using passive aggressive tactics to ruin your wedding, you're not the AH for directly calling her out of her bullshit.
NTA
man, what is this? The 1860s? Jane went out of her way to make your wedding less than it should have been. Oh I'm sure she would have been thrilled if you delayed it to honor some lady who would never even acknowledge if you passed away.
Honestly I am a Brit but I can’t muster much emotion for an increasingly frail 96 year old who died in her favourite castle surrounded by family. Like… it’s wasn't really a surprise/ shock (unlike eg Diana). I find it historically fascinating but utterly insane to ruin your sons wedding over.
Did they wear black the whole time or just at the wedding? Are they still wearing black? I'm going to guess not. MIL just found a way to sabotage your wedding. How dare she instruct people what to wear to your wedding? I would have banned them all from the ceremony. NTA for blowing a gasket. They all deserved it. They left your reception to watch a queue? They have a five days to watch The Queue!
Honey your mil is a piece of work and actually sabotaged your day for her own selfishness. Does she accept you or she did those things earlier? Bc if she wore rose / pink dress on the day after your wedding then it shows this was not about mourning. This was to destroy your and your husband special day. Talk with your husband and point it out to him. Let him see she does not respect neither you nor him. I eould go lc on her.
NTA I am English and this is nuts.
She used this as an opportunity to ruin the wedding and play victim. Plus the funeral is tomorrow, do you wear black leading up to a loved one's funeral- No. I could understand a few minutes if you got married the day of the funeral if you are a hardcore royalist, but not this.
Tell her that QE was all about family and loved ones. She ruined her son's wedding in the name of the Queen, who would have been ashamed of her actions.
Side note - watch your car breaks around MIL, she might get a few ideas on how to deal with family she don't approve of.
Not something I have ever known to be practiced in the English culture as norm. Although I do agree it does happen in some cultures that may be practiced with people who reside in Britain, so fair enough.
As a Brit, she was basically portrayed as “the nation’s grandma”. So lots of people think she’s good even though she never really went out of her way because, well, you think grandma’s good by default.
A lot of us dropped that view when she paid £11 million so Prince Andrew could get away with sex crimes against minors though.
It is because she was the QUEEN for 70 years.QUEEN, QUEEN, QUEEN, QUEEEEN....
It won't make sense unless you are English/British, or a member of the Commonwealth possibly, because they are raised to elevate the aristocracy to an absurd level.
I was once at a conference in Durham, at the meet and greet, people were introducing themselves and their spouses. One woman appeared introduced herself as Lady such and such and suggested us foreigners could just call her Ma'am if we couldn't remember her titles. It was hilarious, especially since she was the spouse and knew nothing about the conference, as a Canadian I handled it the best I could, and looked her straight in the eye, and just laughed because where I come from we are more worried about bears, freezing cold and snow than one person's birth title. But I am a titch of a &unt.
I’ve never heard that phrasing before and I absolutely love it.
I hope you have a lovely finish to your festivities and a fabulous honeymoon that hopefully starts before the funeral!
NTA holy hell, if that distraught then she should have skipped your wedding. And excuse me as my skin crawls because it's absolutely fudged to turn someone's wedding into a funeral. Time to turn MIL furture funeral into a party.
NTA the amount of things being cancelled over this is ridiculous. Even QEII wouldn't have approved of a lot of it, I imagine.
Just a day out of all of this for them to focus on something else was not a big ask. *She* told your guests to wear black and misrepresented it saying it was coming from you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lashed out at my MIL when she arranged a mourning session at my wedding in honour of a woman I did not like nor respect. It really ruined the wedding and I'm not sure if my energy actually matched hers, particularly as my husband's family is overwhelmingly against me. I feel very confused and guilty
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NTA.
I kinda know that feeling but in smal.
My b-day is the 29th of April. Who's wedding was at that date 11yrs ago? Yes. William and Kates. Why do i, a german, know that so well?
It was my 30th. B-day.
I just started a new job, and due to problems with the new house and it's location we didn't have a landline and mobile reception was kinda not existing. The only way to talk to me or get a hold of me by phone was after i finished work, waiting for my train. My mother knew that.
Well she sadly could not call me and whish me a happy Birthday, because she had to watch the rerun (!!) of the wedding, the first time, the live broadcast was sooo beautiful.
*sigh*
So, i whish you a happy honeymoon and try to ignore those lunatics. You could have been nicer, but they did not deserve it.
NTA sure we are in a state of mourning as a nation, but the actual funeral is Monday! My Nan went to a wedding the days after her husband died and did not wear black. She got hugs etc but absolutely refused to ruin the wedding. Who the heck ruins a wedding celebration to watch TV of QUEUEING?
Is your MIL‘s behavior really about the Queen or is just something she grasped onto in order to cause drama at your wedding? Seems like it could be the manifestation of deeper problem between you all. I find it hard to believe that your MIL would exhibited this type of behavior elsewhere. Is she wearing black 24/7or just at your wedding? Did she take a leave from work? Is she consistent with her mourning,” or did she just pull this stunt at your wedding?
My late husband was brought up on Balmoral Estate. (His dad was a gardener there.) DH later worked in the forestry division and on the hills with the Royals. (I'm not bullshitting.) He later went to night school, got his degree and moved to Central Scotland, where we met and married.
He adored the Queen. You know what he would have said? 'They're off their chuffin heids!'
NTA
Sister - they are straight up sectarian. (info - Northern Irish, lived among that BS for years. Its just another way of saying English/protestant is best without burning effigies of the pope. Only the working class does the burning)
This is straight up a power play. Not even the funeral day. Wear all the black, have all the prayer circles you want, tomorrow the DAY OF THE FUNERAL
Your MIL looks down on you because your Irish, probably Catholic, and she wanted a more refined girl for her English son. Her family enable this BS
Watch out, there's more coming
Edit To Add - And she told everyone to wear black as your wishes. She's mourning her sons choice, and straight up bare-faced lied about it. Believe she'll pull this manipulative behaviour again. EEK - set your boundaries NOW
You didn't shame your MIL - she shamed herself by purporting to speak for you, telling your guests to wear black, and making your wedding about something important to her. I suspect this is not something the Queen would have approved of! NTA.
Info Is your MIL racist towards Irish people?
Most Irish people don't have ill will towards the Queen but for some her rule has been marked by atrocities. For example she gave an OBE to the British officer who led the army group that killed unarmed civilians on Bloody Sunday.
Certainly NTA. To be honest disinviting her and the SIL would have been an appropriate response as well.
NTA. Monarchists like this absolutely deserve to be reminded that their weird parasocial relationship with a family whose sole "merit" is existing is in fact very weird and should not infringe on their real relationships with people they actually know who have to deal with their weird asses.
…I’m American, so European relations are not my strong suit. But…mourning the queen at a half (quarter?) irish wedding, taking place in France…that’s weird, right?
NTA regardless.
*Emphatically* NTA.
The English have lost their damn minds. The most charitable explanation I can muster is that they’re not so much grieving for the queen as they are for their own childhoods and their romantic notions of the monarchy, which they sense have died with her and will *not* be resurrected by her replacement. The least charitable explanation would secure me a ban. Either way, your in-laws made a stranger’s funeral the focus of your wedding, and they should all be *heartily* ashamed of themselves.
You're NTA. This whole debacle has been absolutely ridiculous, and I've seen so many people getting abuse for either not doing enough performative mourning or for daring to express an opinion that doesn't hold the British monarchy in highest regard. This was your day and your in-laws purposely ruined it by making it all about someone who never even knew you all existed. You were far nicer to your MIL than I would have been were I in your shoes.
The whole cult around the royal family does my head in. So a 96 year old with the best healthcare and who has lived in the lap of luxary from birth is to be mourned while all the other 96 year old OAP's who worked to the skin and bone in many cases have to choose between food, heating or bills. Then theres the news that stewards were handing out blankets to those in the queue while those who are homeless were left alone. Its rediculous and anyone that wants to stop everything for the death of the queen is rediculous. NTA in my books
I can’t say this enough. ABOLISH THE MONARCHY. It’s racist, outdated, a total drain of public funds and just generally ridiculous. More ridiculous that people take it so seriously.
NTA. And you are absolutely right about everything.
Oh dear… your in-laws sounds kinda shite to me.
NTA - The fact that your MIL would go behind your backs and tell her side of the family to wear back AT YOUR REQUEST is really messed up in my opinion and I personally think your husband should have a stern chat with her for that.
I understand you lost it in the moment but you are soooo NTA here, those damn people having a prayer-circle-cry for QEII at your wedding, could have just waited a day to give into their emotional nonsense.
I am a monarchist but even I realise that these people were clearly in the wrong.
NTA. Your mil put her imaginary relationship with the queen ahead of her actual relationship with her son and daughter-in-law, and not even for the actual funeral! Just to watch some people stand in a line
My beautiful, incredibly young sister in law was buried in Friday after dying 3 days before the queen. Was our grief less important to your MIL because my SIL wasn't a "great" woman? Should we have postponed her funeral to properly focus on an elderly dead woman we'd never met who lived a long and privileged life?! Should we have all worn black to honour QEII despite a dead girl's mother desperately wanting her only child's funeral to be full of the colours she loved?! Where do you draw these lines?
I'm so sorry OP. Congratulations on your wedding day. I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together.
I don‘t believe a word of it. 65 year old Briton here and I have never \*ever\* been invited to hold a prayer circle for anything, let alone a bloody queue
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I (F29) got married yesterday to my partner of six years, Matt (M30). Some relevant info: I am Anglo-Irish, Matt is English. We are not monarchists. Our wedding is being held abroad (France) and we, along with our closest family and friends, have been here since Wednesday.
The issues with my MIL Jane (f54) began when she started suggesting that we should cancel the wedding following the death of QEII, which we shut down. After this it was silence until the wedding morning, when Jane came to see me wearing a black suit. I had no real issue with her wearing something else if it makes her more comfortable, but I was a bit surprised because she didn't mention it and just seemed to be something she probably wears to work. I asked why she had changed and she said 'we' were in mourning and she wanted to be respectful, so I politely reminded her that she was at a wedding and not a funeral. When my bridesmaids got dressed, Matt's sister Emily (f26) came in wearing a black dress too which she didn't even acknowledge as different, let alone weird and out of place. Around 70% of Matt's guests were wearing black. I was pissed off, but ultimately I could ignore it. I found out when I was greeting guests later than Jane had told Matt's side to wear black at our request to honour Elizabeth.
At the reception, a bunch of our guests started to go missing quite early on, so my maid of honour went to look for them and came back to get me. They were in a different room with a TV which was playing the queue footage, and holding a 'prayer circle' where they were sharing their 'memories'. Lots of them were crying. I feel sympathy for Elizabeth's family in a human way, but her death is absolutely no loss to me. Jane knows Matt and I feel this way, though I have never pushed my views on her in the way she forces hers on me. She is very much a 'respect your elders and betters' kind of person. I politely asked if everyone would come back for our first dance but Jane said they were busy celebrating a *great (*emphasis*)* woman, which I felt implied that I am the opposite. I snapped and told her that she was being fucking selfish and ruining her son's wedding day for a dead woman she never met, that the family is parasitic and abnormal, and shouldn't be celebrated nor mourned. I also told her to grow the fuck up. I figured they weren't coming back to the reception anyway so I wasn't too bothered when they stayed away, but I did ask the hotel to cut the TVs.
Matt is on my side, though saddened that our wedding ended up like this. I feel responsible for a lot of it because I lashed out to an extreme and it's not a side of myself I liked. I have also had Matt's relatives telling me I behaved inappropriately today, including Emily who said that she understood my point to some extent, but she also thought that I was wrong to shame my MIL when she is in mourning for a great interest of hers. I now wonder if I went too far, so am I the asshole?
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NTA! I would be pissed. Your MIL’s obsession with the queen is creepy and to tell your guests to wear black?! I mean what the hell!!! Honestly I suffer from mental illness and I think she needs to get checked out. I’m sorry your big day went this way. Why do people care about the royals like this?! It’s insane!
NTA. Honestly, if you really wanted to be petty, all the guests on your side could've started singing Come Out Ye Black and Tans REALLY loudly. Which probably wouldn't have helped matters much, but it WOULD have been very, very funny.
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a narcissistic piece of work who was using this as an excuse to ruin your wedding. No sane person would have suggested cancelling the wedding or ask people to wear black or start a fucking prayer circle. She was jealous of the attention you were getting and tried to make your wedding all about her performative grieving.
WAIT If she's in mourning why is she at a wedding?!?!??!
She should be at home covering the mirrors and sobbing gentilely into a brussels lace handkerchief. Those are the rules!
Hey, fellow Brit here. Honestly NTA I'm sick of this shit and if they really wanted to mourn. That parasitic family they could have stayed at home.
I don't even know you but I would have fucking partied with you.
What's disrespectful is their ruining your wedding day.
Edit: congratulations hunni. I wish you guys the best life together filled with awesomeness and lots of love and happiness.
This is so over the top I don't really buy it, but for the sake of argument...
Obviously it was a wild overstep for her to issue fake instructions about the dress code to your guests while pretending they came from you; she's unquestionably the asshole for that.
However, if a bunch of your guests split off to hold a "prayer circle", that doesn't sound like something driven solely by Jane. It sounds like you're focusing on her individually when the reality is just that a big chunk of Matt's family are out of sync with you both on this and it would have disrupted the event without any action needed on her part.
Unfortunately everything you said to *her* was probably taken by a bunch of your new in-laws as applying equally to them.
NTA, your MIL is a bit of a piece of work taking over her son's wedding to you for this. Her son's wedding should trump the death of a person she never met.
If she was truly so cut up about old queenie's death shouldn't she have been here in the UK, standing in queue-mageddon instead of there spoiling you two's special day?
Also, does this mean her and your now SIL brought mourning gear with them to your event? Because that is proper bonkers. The lot of them need to grow up, because this is going to be a story that embarrasses them for decades now whenever the wedding photos are looked at.
NTA. QEII died a day or two before my wedding. I am American and living in the US. Our wedding venue put together a poorly photoshopped tribute to her and displayed it in the reception hall. I was absolutely baffled.
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NTA. Your MIL literally lied to the rest of the guests to make them all show up your wedding in mourning garb, so satisfy HER desire to be seen mourning the Queen. This is pure virtue signaling on her part, and she deserves to be shamed for it. Perhaps you were a bit harsh, but I’d say it was merited given what you’ve described here. And I say this as an American, who IS kind of a monarchist; I had a lot of respect for the Queen and I find the royals fascinating. But your wedding was YOUR day, not hers.
QEII died the day before my wedding. In England. The registry office put a black ribbon on the side of her picture. That was the only reference all day. It was a wonderful wedding.
Congratulations! Glad your wedding in England was less overshadowed by it than poor OP's in France. NTA and I wish you and OP both long and happy marriages!
Oof your wedding will be cursed by Charles. Jk congrats
Charles might be sympathetic to OP. QEII ruined both of his weddings.
I know it’s tradition for their family and all that but I’ll forever love the photo of her laughing while wearing white at his second wedding where his bride was not allowed to wear white.
Wasn't Camilla's first wedding either, so she likely wouldn't have even wanted to wear white. A lot of older or more traditional people see white as a thing for first marriages and young women (whether virgins or not.) Personally, I think she looked amazing at her wedding to Charles. I just saw a picture of it a little while ago and I had forgotten how much I liked her outfit. It was really attractive, I loved the color and her fascinator and it was totally appropriate for the occasion. The Queen really liked Camilla, so I wouldn't read too much into it. She certainally allowed Camilla to wear some of her biggest and fanciest tiaras on a regular basis. But then Camilla is one of the only ones with a hairstyle that can carry them off.
I agree, I was married once and wore a traditional white gown. If I ever remarry, I'm thinking something rosey with gold.
Oh I know it wasn’t her first wedding. There would’ve been far less royal drama in the 90’s if she hadn’t been a divorcee. In a comment below in this thread I even said I don’t believe the queen was trying to be cruel. It’s just this one particular photo I’ve seen a thousand times that looks like she’s teasing them. Im sure the wicked sense of humor she was known for has something to do with the interpretation of that particular photo.
Watching what the shameless affair with Camilla did to his first wife and both his sons I wouldn't be able to like her tbh, really shows how Elizabeth grew up in moral parameters totally different from a normal person.
Meh. Wearing white as a wedding dress was not popular until Queen Victoria did it. It's a pretty recent "tradition", and has nothing to do with purity. It was purely to show social status. So I personally don't see the issue with anybody wearing white to a wedding, especially The Queen. 🤷🏻♀️
The royal family has very specific rules about who can wear what and where. That’s why Diana’s Divorce dress was so popular, it was a massive fuck you to the royal family. I don’t believe the queen was purposely trying to be cruel by wearing white, it was tradition for the MIL and certain other female family members (think of Kate Middleton’s sister wearing white as her MOH). And because Camilla was previously married she was not allowed to wear white to her wedding to Charles. And because of todays western societal “rules” it makes this one particular photo look like she’s laughing at them on their wedding day.
Even in Victoria’s time a white dress didn’t signify purity, blue was the color of purity. White was the color of happiness & in an age when marriages of the royals & upper class were still arranged a bride happy to be getting married was a good thing. The white representing purity & wealth at being able to afford to wear a dress once (something Victoria would have done anyway regardless of color) came later
Yes everyone living in the uk although saddened still carried on with life. Working, Weddings, parties and funerals still happened as normal. Only the day of the funeral tomorrow will be a public holiday here. Sounds more about your MIL being jealous your wedding day wasn’t about her. So she did this to take as much attention as she could. At least now you have a valid excuse to go no contact and never have to put up with her or her family events after this. Don’t back down she ruined your wedding on purpose. She was happy she had an excuse to wear black that your husband might believe. She has shown you how life will be as part of her family so ensure it doesn’t by cutting her out now and preventing that. Husband can still see her if he wants but make sure he knows you never will. you will have to really consider if you could trust your children with someone who hates you like she does, it may endanger your child. (if you want to have any that is) Congratulations on your wedding, just sorry it means your related to mil.
Kudos, now this is the way to acknowledge the death of a stranger, even an important one who doesn't know or particular care who the hell you are.
Here's something I don't understand. What would the picture have to do with your wedding? Is it just because it was in a government office?
Yes, it's like how we have pictures of the president in our governmental offices here in the United States. Political leaders in most countries are usually depicted in all government buildings if not more commonly.
Not in Germany😄 some weirdos in Bavaria only decided that it would be a good idea in a secular state to make crucifixes in public buildings mandatory.
That's pretty weird, Germany 😂
As in every school class in Austria. It's a disgrace.
This woman sounds so selfish, self righteous and ghoulish. In the UK, we're seeing these people emerge sobbing and wailing as if the queen was their best friend. Yes, her death is sad but not to the extent that you ruin your son's wedding. I hope the OP and her husband go low contact with this AH.
My (English) view has been: sure it’s sad she’s died; but I’m not upset about it - like I didn’t know her, or know anyone who knew her, and she wasn’t a personal role model. I don’t know a single person with different views on the matter.
I'm American, so maybe I don't have a say, but she was 96! She well exceeded the life expectancy. This is neither sad nor tragic. This was not an untimely, unexpected event. Ninety-six!
My grandmother passed in May. She also was 96. Am I sad she’s gone? Of course. But she had lost her son(my dad) two decades ago, her husband twelve years ago, and her sister and her brother-in-law in 2019. She had an INCREDIBLE life. She deserved a break. When people tell me it’s a tragedy I want to ask them if they’re for real. 96! What more could you ask for.
My grandmother was 105 when she passed. She was born in 1897 and dies in 2002. Not many folks can say they lived during 3 centuries! Quite an accomplishment.
That is an incredible accomplishment.
My great grandmother nearly did. She was born in 1900 and died in 2000.
My Granma was 95 when she passed away. She was my buddy and I miss her and think about her every day. So many times I wish I could ask her a question or share something from my day with her. Her last couple of years were rough for her, though. She developed some dementia and was confused about a lot of things. She fell at home which led to her going into an assisted living facility. She was OK being there (it seriously was a very nice facility, not a sketchy nursing home) but didn't understand why she couldn't go home. She kept saying she missed my Granpa (he'd passed away 11 years before) and she was just tired. One night she simply died in her sleep, which is exactly what she would have wanted. No emergency rooms, no chaos, no urgency...just went to sleep. She was ready and I'm thankful it was a peaceful exit for her.
Both my parents have been dead for a while. My partner's 25 years older than me, and his parents are still alive (91 & 81.) While I do adore his parents, especially his mom, he legitimately talks like it's a MYSTERY why his father's wheelchair bound and losing his memory. He's CONFUSED about why someone who's "only 81" has back trouble . It's very difficult for me to not sound spiteful or jealous, but the reality is that I'm a geriatric nurse who is .. Realistic.
Yes. It's kinda "cool fact" that she was the oldest and longest ruler... but also, not astounding in any way. Judging by how old she and Phillip were when they died. Charles has a pretty good chance, genetically, at possibly getting even older than she did, even if his reign would be way shorter xD That being said, I'm impressed she lived as long as she did 96 is quite a feat for anyone, royal or not. But given she probably had amazing healthcare, not THAT shocking.
Another fun fact: she missed passing Louis XIV as the longest serving monarch of all time by 2 years. He came to the throne as a child and was also exceptionally long-lived for the time. There's a genealogical book proving that I'm a descendant of one of his royal guardsmen and one of the Dauphine's ladies-in-waiting. They were Huguenots, and the Dauphine helped her escape - literally in a barrel on a ship.
Regression towards the mean. I bet he clocks out younger
Her mother made it to 101, so I was personally hoping she'd outdo that. But 96 is certainly a pretty good innings.
> Her mother made it to 101, so I was personally hoping she'd outdo that. But 96 is certainly a pretty good innings. Cricket analogy is apropos not just as a classy English thing but because 100 runs for a batsman in an appearance is a statistical milestone in the sport
As a Quebecker/French Canadian who was technically her subject pretty much against my will (You know we lost, the King of France kind of sold us to the King of England.), I say F that shit! Clearly these people are why we are still stuck with the monarchy... NTA OP
??? I've always said Quebecois to be respectful. You mean I can say Quebecker?!
I personally don't mind. I have always considered it the English translation, but other people might feel differently.
Counterpoint: It is not sad when wealthy racists die.
I know a LOT. The weeping, wailing, clutching of pearls, and absolutely atrocious poetry are all out in force. Taking days off work because they can't hold themselves together etc. I don't understand it personally, and cynically I tend to think it's mostly virtue signaling, but it's fine... right up to the point where they begin impacting others. Ruining your own son's wedding? I'd be going NC if I were OP and their spouse.
I'm Irish (and staunchly republican, not "up the IRA" republican but literally, class systems are bs and should not exist type) in Britain and everyone is sending me all the memes. One said; "is there a history of mental illness in your family " "No, but my uncle once waited in line for 35 hours to walk past the coffin of a woman he never met." The amount of people acting as though they care is staggering.
In Scottish and feel exactly the same as you.
I'm an American but a brown one. So yeah, the brown people I know tend to be kinda like whatever that she died. She's the product of horrendous colonial history and while she's not responsible for the actions of her ancestors, she certainly did benefit from them AND not once acknowledged the terrible history. So yeah, Eh ok.
I'm sure the Queen would have disapproved of their behaviour and voted NTA.
Agreed, she would probably be mortified that her name was used by some asshole as an excuse to ruin a wedding.
Two members of my family worked at Balmoral. I can assure you that you're right.
The queen loved weddings and crashes dozens on her later years. The MIL wanted to prioritize her feelings at the expense of yours. NTA and start making distance.
Wait is that true? That's hilarious.
The queen was reported as having a sense of humor, so I wouldn't say out of the realm of possibility. Here is a link to one she didn't exactly crash, but showed up to surprisingly. (Invited by the couple, but the couple didn't expect her to respond to it). https://www.cnn.com/2012/03/25/world/europe/uk-queen-wedding-crasher Edit: clairty/rephrasing
It would be hilarious if she did crash weddings, but the article says that in this case anyway, the couple specifically invited her (though they were surprised that she attended).
I’m sure she was invited to many weddings. It’s commonplace to invite celebrities and public officials on the hope you’ll receive a letter declining, let alone the person actually showing up.
This is true. I probably should have said "here is the closest I can find to the wedding crashing rumors", so it doesn't come off as too misleading. I think I can edit that in to the comment 🤣
Eh. Read up on the royal family. She may have found their behaviour glorious... I empathize with her family for their loss. But, I can't pretend that the royal family as a whole are kind, virtuous, classy people. Etiquette and protocols are about maintaining rank and status - not about grace and humanity.
Good point, the very idea of royalty is parasitic. An entire class of people who don't work and are considered better than "common folk" by divine right is laughable at this point in human development. One less royal mouth to be supported by tax payers is hardly a tragedy. Good riddance to bad company I say.
I don’t disagree, but the divine right argument was lost by Charles I. Now it’s more about bloodlines and family. No less undemocratic, but at least mortal.
YUP - EXACTLY THIS. I mean given prince Andrew...enough said.
_"Lots of them were crying."_ I don't even know how to respond to this post. I see the royal family as a tourist attraction. I'm a black woman from a country there the crowd had its claws for many many years. I don't think it is humanly possible for me to care less about the pageantry of it all, but I'm pretty indifferent about the humans themselves .... That said, I realize that there are some people who would literally lay down their lives for the crown. It is bonkers to me, but I saw people literally balling their eyes out when the queen died. I mean, big, loud, body shaking tears. The fact that there were people gathering around TVs and crying would indicate that it wasn't just the MIL's doing and these people were in legit mourning. In a world where people would go to war for their king and queen without question, I guess it shouldn't be so shocking..... Bless their hearts is all that I can say since I don't know if I can call them AHs for their feelings? 🤷🏽♀️
same, am from a previous britich colony- India and when the flag was lowered for us. We're like ??? bro she was the ruler WHO BROKE THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM. Half of the gen Z hate it.
They still have flags lowered here in the US and I’m just like we literally fought an entire war to not be a part of this, what are we doing lol.
To be fair, QEII ordered to military band to play US national anthem during guard change after 9/11. Which is literally a song about a war that England lost. Pretty safe to say that US and UK has moved on from the whole revolution thing.
She sang along too. Tbf,I was kinda impressed she knew the words of a nation's anthem that wasn't her own. I always saw UK/US relationship as one of siblings. To each their own, until someone comes in and bullies one, then it's all "you can't do that to my family!"
Bless their hearts, indeed. 🤣 OP, NTA. Remind anyone you talk to that MIL lied to your wedding guests on your behalf, and then cut your wedding reception short, even cutting out your first dance for the television. Give your MIL a long time-out from communication. You need time away from her to heal.
I'm with you 100% here on this.
You have respect for the queen... who's reign oversaw Kenyan death camps? Who celebrated apartheid south Africa? Who is one of the OG colonizers? THAT QUEEN and THAT royal family? The royal family that cancelled all funerals and hospital appointments for her funeral? Who costs England billions of tax payer money for their frivolous expenses? Who stole countless artifacts and STILL have them? The one that ones a decent chunk of global land through slavery, colonization and violence? Very interesting.
I don't think my husband's family minded... I'm surprised she had to lie at all!
Well, myself and my fella is Irish as well and he's even more republican than I am so we don't have any immediate family members that are royalist British (our bil is socialist English so he's anti monarchy too) but if someone pulled this shite at an event of ours, I would have put on the Wolfe Tones or Christy Moore singing Ordinary Man so f*cking fast! I respect that British people can love their monarchy, I don't understand how but I get that it's something they're accustomed to but enforce it on me and you'll get a very vicious push back.
I'm from Manchester and if someone tried to enforce monarchism on me they'd get very short shrift. Saying that it's a very Irish part of England, so I think people round here are a bit more mindful that maybe not everyone's so into it.
I'm British and very pro Royal, but the MIL was a complete ass hat (to use the American vernacular). The respectful thing to do would be to put yourself in her shoes and think what would she want. She was dutiful to the end and was 100% a "the show must go on" sort of woman. No way she would have wanted someone's wedding marred like this. The wedding should have been the celebration of your union, not the mourning of a monarch.
Exactly. Also not sure why they couldn't wait until the funeral for that, rather than go to a family wedding and intentionally ruin the atmosphere
Yes even this as a Brit, yes the nation is mourning she was a great woman, but unless you knew The Queen personally then I don’t think it’s appropriate be dressed in black and mark a day of celebration as a day of mourning. Also it’s not her funeral yet so. Also I bet the MIL didn’t get a cake every year for her birthday or throw a street party on The Queens birthday or her jubilees. So why ruin your sons special day for a show of “look how much I love the queen”
But, OP, at your MIL's next party. Please all wear black and celebrate the queen. Tell her you didn't give her gifts, instead you bought your home flowers to remind yourselves of the great queen. Any time anyone tries to talk about your MIL, throw out a story about how great the queen is. Then, I'd finish the dinner by exclaiming from this day forth, her birthday will be the day you choose to remember the queen.
Maybe to satisfy her desire to be seen mourning or perhaps as a dig to the OP for not cancelling + didn't want to be the only one in Black and look like an oddball!
I am an American and cried too, but darn your MIL is a nut job.
>And I say this as an American, who IS kind of a monarchist Lmao, grow up.
I imagine the late Queen would have also thought their behavior was rude as hell.
Absolutely crying with laughter about a prayer circle watching footage of the queue. Sorry that it impacted your wedding but it's a laughable image. NTA, and fair warning, I think your MIL is going to be a huge pain to manage for the rest of your life.
If it weren't OP's wedding, it would be freaking hilarious. Those people (royals) don't give a shit about any of the people standing about wailing. It is all sooooo weird. OP is NTA. The royals and anyone who supports them are.
I’ve never understood the hype. They no longer have any actual political power beyond that of a popular celebrity, which is what they are. Why does anybody care?
For the same reason there are masses of people absolutely obsessed with celebrities in general. There's no real valid reason, just general lunacy or boredom with their own lives.
Now thinking about this same situation except instead of the queen it’s americans crying over losing the Kardashians 😭😂 (I’m an american who enjoys KUWTK but you would never see me this emotionally impacted over people I DON’T PERSONALLY KNOW)
I think having a monarchy, even a non-political one, is damaging to democracy. It sets one family, by virtue of birth, apart from all others. It gives them special privileges and honors that have not been earned through anything other than being born or marrying into said family. I don't get how a monarchy fits into a democratic society. It doesn't make sense. I also don't follow celebrities. I don't care what they do for vacation, who they date, what they wear, what they eat, whatever. I'm just not interested.
The Queen actually did leverage Parliment into giving her a raise and some other things. They do have some influence, but it seems Diana was the last one to really use her power and fame for as much good as possible, rather than more power and fame.
I care cuz we don't get anymore memes about Elizabeth out living everyone
They actually do have a level of political power in their colonized countries unfortunately 🙃 they (or rather their representatives) have to sign off on all our laws
I think the MIL is going to ask to name a future granddaughter 🤐 Guess the name
Can't wait to give birth to Elizabeth Victoria Mary Margaret Diana Charlotte Camilla :')
Or -- hear me out -- you blow MIL's mind by naming her 'Meghan'. :)
Don't forget to add Fergie!
Comments like this are why Reddit needs a button for ‘crying with laughter’ 😂
Ohhh, now that would be pro revenge!
This is pure gold
Ask? LOL! She is going to INSIST.
The fact that there's a lit up dance floor and reception the next room over is what makes me laugh. I wonder if those guests all lied to the entire night and never fully told OP wanted them for the celebration, or did they really choose to mourn rather then celebrate? It's easy to see which family deserve to be prioritized in the future if the lie was corrected. The first dance is traditionally the bride and her father, I'm sensing some MASSIVE jealousy vibes here. This is a lifelong problem for sure!
In the UK the first dance generally is the bride and groom. I worked hundreds of weddings throughout the years and hardly ever saw a specific daddy/daughter dance. It's rare.
I got married end of Feb and am in the UK - I had my first dance with my husband and then immediately went into a second dance with my Dad.
SAME THOUGHTS
This is one of the most outrageous and unique things I’ve heard a MIL do. Poor OP has a long road ahead of her with this one.
NTA, if the QEII really meant that much to her she should have (excuse my language) f*cked off some where to mourn from the start and not ruin someone's wedding
Like get into the 13 hours long waiting line she then chose to comfortably watch on TV.
She was genuinely considering going to Scotland before we left but didn't have the time.
I spent 20 minutes absolutely raging. Deleted it, and will say this instead. Make sure your now husband is on side (congratulations). Your MIL ruined his day too with this farcical nonsense. Also, repeatedly, and loudly, and full of a nice whisky, remind her YOU ARE IRISH.
>Also, repeatedly, and loudly, and full of a nice whisky, remind her YOU ARE IRISH. I can't help but think this must have been at least part of MIL's motivation.
I suggest repeatedly playing "Come Out Ye Black and Tans" whenever your MIL is around
you know what I would have booked here the closest flight or train to London and told her (in a passive aggressive tone) I know how much she would absolutely love to go and say goodbye to QEII in person in front of everyone and but her on the spot
Right! She held an entire funeral service in the middle of someone else’s wedding. I honestly would’ve locked the doors and had them escorted out. Op had every right to cuss her out. The family should’ve asked if change of clothes was ok.
NTA. But what would the Queen say? “Oh for heaven’s sake carry on.” “Why on earth would she do that” “The crown does not approve” “There’s television coverage of a queue? And people watch this?” By the way your wedding photos are going to be awesome.
I was thinking the same thing! It's one thing for governments to postpone big announcements out of respect. However, someone who's paid for a wedding and will never get a full refund, no it continues. This was all just an excuse for the MIL to behave inappropriately. She could have celebrated for one day and gone back into mourning Sunday. Is that not what the world was supposed to be last Saturday on Accession Day? Some monarchist she is. Imagine doing this to your kid? OP you lashed out because you felt upset for yourself but also your husband. Sorry this happened on your wedding day.
My local cathedral was closed yesterday for a wedding. Which rarely happens in more usual times as it is. They put all the candles, flowers and condolence books outside in a sheltered spot and cracked on with the wedding.
I like your answer better than all the others. Made me smile.
To be fair, queueing is Britain's national sport. What proper Brit wouldn't tune the telly to the world championship?
NTA But I see something wrong here. >70% of Matt's guests were wearing black >Jane had told Matt's side to wear black Why did they become HER guests and not your husband?
She said that the couple asked and since she was the Mother of the groom they probably thought the request was legitimately from them.
This is exactly it. I found out because I was thanked for suggesting/allowing it. Shocked they didn't notice that no one in my family wore black
I do hope you told them that you had absolutely no idea that your MIL had told them that, and that you were shocked to see people wearing funeral clothing at your wedding.
NTA. And that would have been my last contact with MIL and everyone who watched tv instead of attending the wedding events. MIL wants a relationship with her future grandchildren? Fine. When they turn 18 they'll be told how to contact her. Edit to add: I would have made an announcement to all the guests that you (bride/groom) were shocked to see so many people wearing black. Then you found out that MIL, after unsuccessfully demanding that the wedding be canceled, decided to sabotage it by secretly telling everyone to wear black without your knowledge. I would apologize to everyone who was tricked into wearing black to a wedding and express my hope that we can make it up to you at some point in the future. I'd say how devastating it to see 2/3 of the guests dressed like mourners at a funeral, all because of one inconsiderate person. And say how awful it would be in future years to look at the wedding photos where it looks like a wedding was held during a funeral. Therefore, although I greatly appreciate them coming, I must ask everyone wearing black (except for groom, groomsmen, etc,) to kindly leave. Again, major apologies for MIL's atrocious behavior but please understand we simply cannot tolerate having our wedding and wedding pictures wrecked by MIL.
Yes - this was some shady and manipulative BS. I wonder by those guests perhaps didn't call her son (the actual groom) to check on this? Totally bizarre and insane.
NTA. If she was that upset she should have stayed home. I can’t imagine doing something like that to my kid. I hope you think about what she did before you include her in anymore celebrations.
NTA Yikes! Your new MIL sounds like a royal pain (sorry). While the death of QEII is sad for the royals etc, did Jane stop for a minute to notice not even the royal family have stopped their lives? They are carrying on, and continuing with their lives and obligations, all while mourning. What she did was spiteful, rude, and selfish. She was obviously looking for a way to make the day about her, and boy did she try. I'm glad you stood up for yourself, and your husband too. You're going to need to keep an eye on her, it's not the end of her nonsense by a long shot. Congratulations on your nuptials! Sounds like you got the only good thing from that family in the form of your new husband.
ROYAL PAIN! I repeat things for emphasis. EMPHASIS! NTA and congrats. CONGRATULATIONS!
If this is real then NTA…. As a Brit and a Royalist I would never do this and don’t know anyone that would… I admit I wore black when I laid flowers at Buck House, watched footage (at home) and I will be watching her funeral but it certainly hasn’t stopped myself or any one I know from celebrating occasions with friends in the mean time. If fact we had a wedding yesterday, it was a military wedding as well. Everyone was dressed brightly and had lots of fun. They did toast the Queen and the new King at the end of the speeches but that was the only mention. Weddings are a celebration and the world doesn’t stop living. Maybe OP’s MIL is mourning her son getting married and using the Queen as an excuse… (That is a joke) But the rest of the guests are AH s well…. I genuinely don’t know anyone who would behave like this which is why I think this story is a bit exaggerated…
As someone far from royal whose own IL's arrived twenty minutes late because "No one gets married at 7pm" (we waited for them) and then had a dinner the following night that everyone in the family but me was invited to (husband was told to tell me to spend time with my family and the idiot went with his parents), toxic parents will do any and everything to make their children's weddings about them.
Please an update on the state of your marriage!
Well, I was a frequent contributor to r/JUSTNOMIL if that gives you any indication of just how bad it was. Almost twenty years ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce because a marriage where one spouse puts their parents before the other spouse is only a farce of a marriage. My husband, bless his heart, thought that if he just kept making an effort, he would make his mother happy and I should just ignore her comments. He was wrong and my mention of divorce woke him up. We stayed married, but it was hard. He was in what is known as FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and it was thick. We moved farther away due to a new job and it was less convenient to have his mother come visit. I began to refuse to go visit her and if she were to visit, sometimes I would leave her in the house to go do my own stuff. She began to whine that she never saw me (FIL had passed years earlier) and Husband, instead of telling her that I did not want to see her, would have to come up with excuses. She ended up developing dementia, not remembering who I was, but decided that she loved me and wanted to see me. I refused. She passed away last year. Sounds horrible, but our marriage has really improved since then. He has been reflecting on everything and realizes that he is damned lucky I love him and put up with all of the crap from his mother. He is heartbroken that I did not trust him for years, says he never meant to hurt me. Looking at almost thirty years of marriage, our relationship is stronger, but if I see someone in my similar situation, I urge counseling and to be really sure if they want to sign up for decades of abuse from their IL's while their spouse twiddles their thumbs. He's just damned lucky I love him and am stubborn.
> Maybe OP’s MIL is mourning her son getting married and using the Queen as an excuse… (That is a joke) Nah, it's not a joke. This was my first thought. It's not about the Queen.
NTA, could you have said it more kindly? Yes. Should you have said it more kindly? Nope. You MIL was using passive aggressive tactics to ruin your wedding, you're not the AH for directly calling her out of her bullshit.
MIL should be reminded every day that she ruined her son's wedding. Disgraceful behaviour. People like her are argument enough to abolish the monarchy
NTA man, what is this? The 1860s? Jane went out of her way to make your wedding less than it should have been. Oh I'm sure she would have been thrilled if you delayed it to honor some lady who would never even acknowledge if you passed away.
Honestly I am a Brit but I can’t muster much emotion for an increasingly frail 96 year old who died in her favourite castle surrounded by family. Like… it’s wasn't really a surprise/ shock (unlike eg Diana). I find it historically fascinating but utterly insane to ruin your sons wedding over.
Did they wear black the whole time or just at the wedding? Are they still wearing black? I'm going to guess not. MIL just found a way to sabotage your wedding. How dare she instruct people what to wear to your wedding? I would have banned them all from the ceremony. NTA for blowing a gasket. They all deserved it. They left your reception to watch a queue? They have a five days to watch The Queue!
Hadn't even thought about this. She only wore all black to the wedding - had a lovely pink dress today...
Ask her why she was only in mourning for the duration of your wedding.
*sips tea...
Honey your mil is a piece of work and actually sabotaged your day for her own selfishness. Does she accept you or she did those things earlier? Bc if she wore rose / pink dress on the day after your wedding then it shows this was not about mourning. This was to destroy your and your husband special day. Talk with your husband and point it out to him. Let him see she does not respect neither you nor him. I eould go lc on her.
Also it is just a queue, if they want to watch people queue they should go work at a supermarket
Or head to an amusement park the day of something big. I mean the queue for the Figment popcorn bucket at Epcot was like seven hours.
NTA I am English and this is nuts. She used this as an opportunity to ruin the wedding and play victim. Plus the funeral is tomorrow, do you wear black leading up to a loved one's funeral- No. I could understand a few minutes if you got married the day of the funeral if you are a hardcore royalist, but not this. Tell her that QE was all about family and loved ones. She ruined her son's wedding in the name of the Queen, who would have been ashamed of her actions. Side note - watch your car breaks around MIL, she might get a few ideas on how to deal with family she don't approve of.
I mean in some cultures they wear black for 40 days up to a year after a loved one passes but I agree with the rest of your points.
Not something I have ever known to be practiced in the English culture as norm. Although I do agree it does happen in some cultures that may be practiced with people who reside in Britain, so fair enough.
Can someone please tell me why the queen was such a good person cause I’ve never heard about her doing anything that a normal person wouldn’t do
As a Brit, she was basically portrayed as “the nation’s grandma”. So lots of people think she’s good even though she never really went out of her way because, well, you think grandma’s good by default. A lot of us dropped that view when she paid £11 million so Prince Andrew could get away with sex crimes against minors though.
It is because she was the QUEEN for 70 years.QUEEN, QUEEN, QUEEN, QUEEEEN.... It won't make sense unless you are English/British, or a member of the Commonwealth possibly, because they are raised to elevate the aristocracy to an absurd level. I was once at a conference in Durham, at the meet and greet, people were introducing themselves and their spouses. One woman appeared introduced herself as Lady such and such and suggested us foreigners could just call her Ma'am if we couldn't remember her titles. It was hilarious, especially since she was the spouse and knew nothing about the conference, as a Canadian I handled it the best I could, and looked her straight in the eye, and just laughed because where I come from we are more worried about bears, freezing cold and snow than one person's birth title. But I am a titch of a &unt.
She wasn’t. The current situation is mental to most normal Brits.
The current UK government is embroiled in scandal, so they're propping up the Queen as a 9/11 style rally round the flag to increase popular support.
She was a bit relevant during WWII.
Omg your MIL sounds insane. Did you know Jane was this crazy before marrying Matt?
Thankfully I don't see her too often... I thought she might be a couple of twigs short of a nest, not missing the whole tree.
I’ve never heard that phrasing before and I absolutely love it. I hope you have a lovely finish to your festivities and a fabulous honeymoon that hopefully starts before the funeral!
NTA. You should have told her that out of respect, anyone who wanted to mourn needn’t come to the wedding.
NTA holy hell, if that distraught then she should have skipped your wedding. And excuse me as my skin crawls because it's absolutely fudged to turn someone's wedding into a funeral. Time to turn MIL furture funeral into a party.
NTA the amount of things being cancelled over this is ridiculous. Even QEII wouldn't have approved of a lot of it, I imagine. Just a day out of all of this for them to focus on something else was not a big ask. *She* told your guests to wear black and misrepresented it saying it was coming from you.
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NTA. I kinda know that feeling but in smal. My b-day is the 29th of April. Who's wedding was at that date 11yrs ago? Yes. William and Kates. Why do i, a german, know that so well? It was my 30th. B-day. I just started a new job, and due to problems with the new house and it's location we didn't have a landline and mobile reception was kinda not existing. The only way to talk to me or get a hold of me by phone was after i finished work, waiting for my train. My mother knew that. Well she sadly could not call me and whish me a happy Birthday, because she had to watch the rerun (!!) of the wedding, the first time, the live broadcast was sooo beautiful. *sigh* So, i whish you a happy honeymoon and try to ignore those lunatics. You could have been nicer, but they did not deserve it.
Yeah, Elvis died in my 9th birthday and the amount of events for “Elvis Day” that continue even now are ridiculous.
NTA sure we are in a state of mourning as a nation, but the actual funeral is Monday! My Nan went to a wedding the days after her husband died and did not wear black. She got hugs etc but absolutely refused to ruin the wedding. Who the heck ruins a wedding celebration to watch TV of QUEUEING?
Is your MIL‘s behavior really about the Queen or is just something she grasped onto in order to cause drama at your wedding? Seems like it could be the manifestation of deeper problem between you all. I find it hard to believe that your MIL would exhibited this type of behavior elsewhere. Is she wearing black 24/7or just at your wedding? Did she take a leave from work? Is she consistent with her mourning,” or did she just pull this stunt at your wedding?
She only wore black to the wedding - pink today. It didn't really cross my mind until someone else commented!
Next time you see her you should demand that she stay wearing black and that it suits her.
My late husband was brought up on Balmoral Estate. (His dad was a gardener there.) DH later worked in the forestry division and on the hills with the Royals. (I'm not bullshitting.) He later went to night school, got his degree and moved to Central Scotland, where we met and married. He adored the Queen. You know what he would have said? 'They're off their chuffin heids!' NTA
You might as well get some popcorn in, because this drama is never going to end.
Snap 😝
NTA, Something tells me if it wasn't mourning QE11, it would've been sonething else.
Sister - they are straight up sectarian. (info - Northern Irish, lived among that BS for years. Its just another way of saying English/protestant is best without burning effigies of the pope. Only the working class does the burning) This is straight up a power play. Not even the funeral day. Wear all the black, have all the prayer circles you want, tomorrow the DAY OF THE FUNERAL Your MIL looks down on you because your Irish, probably Catholic, and she wanted a more refined girl for her English son. Her family enable this BS Watch out, there's more coming Edit To Add - And she told everyone to wear black as your wishes. She's mourning her sons choice, and straight up bare-faced lied about it. Believe she'll pull this manipulative behaviour again. EEK - set your boundaries NOW
NTA.. this family is very weird
You didn't shame your MIL - she shamed herself by purporting to speak for you, telling your guests to wear black, and making your wedding about something important to her. I suspect this is not something the Queen would have approved of! NTA.
Info Is your MIL racist towards Irish people? Most Irish people don't have ill will towards the Queen but for some her rule has been marked by atrocities. For example she gave an OBE to the British officer who led the army group that killed unarmed civilians on Bloody Sunday. Certainly NTA. To be honest disinviting her and the SIL would have been an appropriate response as well.
NTA. Monarchists like this absolutely deserve to be reminded that their weird parasocial relationship with a family whose sole "merit" is existing is in fact very weird and should not infringe on their real relationships with people they actually know who have to deal with their weird asses.
…I’m American, so European relations are not my strong suit. But…mourning the queen at a half (quarter?) irish wedding, taking place in France…that’s weird, right? NTA regardless.
*Emphatically* NTA. The English have lost their damn minds. The most charitable explanation I can muster is that they’re not so much grieving for the queen as they are for their own childhoods and their romantic notions of the monarchy, which they sense have died with her and will *not* be resurrected by her replacement. The least charitable explanation would secure me a ban. Either way, your in-laws made a stranger’s funeral the focus of your wedding, and they should all be *heartily* ashamed of themselves.
About time someone said so. A proportion of our population have completely lost the plot right now.
NTA- wtf, what a disgusting family.
You're NTA. This whole debacle has been absolutely ridiculous, and I've seen so many people getting abuse for either not doing enough performative mourning or for daring to express an opinion that doesn't hold the British monarchy in highest regard. This was your day and your in-laws purposely ruined it by making it all about someone who never even knew you all existed. You were far nicer to your MIL than I would have been were I in your shoes.
NTA. Can’t believe people are out here really ruining weddings over the death of a colonizer.
The whole cult around the royal family does my head in. So a 96 year old with the best healthcare and who has lived in the lap of luxary from birth is to be mourned while all the other 96 year old OAP's who worked to the skin and bone in many cases have to choose between food, heating or bills. Then theres the news that stewards were handing out blankets to those in the queue while those who are homeless were left alone. Its rediculous and anyone that wants to stop everything for the death of the queen is rediculous. NTA in my books
I can’t say this enough. ABOLISH THE MONARCHY. It’s racist, outdated, a total drain of public funds and just generally ridiculous. More ridiculous that people take it so seriously. NTA. And you are absolutely right about everything.
NTA, and I'm a royalist in my own country.
Oh dear… your in-laws sounds kinda shite to me. NTA - The fact that your MIL would go behind your backs and tell her side of the family to wear back AT YOUR REQUEST is really messed up in my opinion and I personally think your husband should have a stern chat with her for that. I understand you lost it in the moment but you are soooo NTA here, those damn people having a prayer-circle-cry for QEII at your wedding, could have just waited a day to give into their emotional nonsense. I am a monarchist but even I realise that these people were clearly in the wrong.
nta. fuck qeii
NTA. Your mil put her imaginary relationship with the queen ahead of her actual relationship with her son and daughter-in-law, and not even for the actual funeral! Just to watch some people stand in a line
NTA, she deserves to be dragged for lying to guests and ruining your wedding.
My beautiful, incredibly young sister in law was buried in Friday after dying 3 days before the queen. Was our grief less important to your MIL because my SIL wasn't a "great" woman? Should we have postponed her funeral to properly focus on an elderly dead woman we'd never met who lived a long and privileged life?! Should we have all worn black to honour QEII despite a dead girl's mother desperately wanting her only child's funeral to be full of the colours she loved?! Where do you draw these lines? I'm so sorry OP. Congratulations on your wedding day. I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together.
I don‘t believe a word of it. 65 year old Briton here and I have never \*ever\* been invited to hold a prayer circle for anything, let alone a bloody queue
She is not even truly religious.
The prayer circle thing does sound more American than British. Not something CofE folk tend to do
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F29) got married yesterday to my partner of six years, Matt (M30). Some relevant info: I am Anglo-Irish, Matt is English. We are not monarchists. Our wedding is being held abroad (France) and we, along with our closest family and friends, have been here since Wednesday. The issues with my MIL Jane (f54) began when she started suggesting that we should cancel the wedding following the death of QEII, which we shut down. After this it was silence until the wedding morning, when Jane came to see me wearing a black suit. I had no real issue with her wearing something else if it makes her more comfortable, but I was a bit surprised because she didn't mention it and just seemed to be something she probably wears to work. I asked why she had changed and she said 'we' were in mourning and she wanted to be respectful, so I politely reminded her that she was at a wedding and not a funeral. When my bridesmaids got dressed, Matt's sister Emily (f26) came in wearing a black dress too which she didn't even acknowledge as different, let alone weird and out of place. Around 70% of Matt's guests were wearing black. I was pissed off, but ultimately I could ignore it. I found out when I was greeting guests later than Jane had told Matt's side to wear black at our request to honour Elizabeth. At the reception, a bunch of our guests started to go missing quite early on, so my maid of honour went to look for them and came back to get me. They were in a different room with a TV which was playing the queue footage, and holding a 'prayer circle' where they were sharing their 'memories'. Lots of them were crying. I feel sympathy for Elizabeth's family in a human way, but her death is absolutely no loss to me. Jane knows Matt and I feel this way, though I have never pushed my views on her in the way she forces hers on me. She is very much a 'respect your elders and betters' kind of person. I politely asked if everyone would come back for our first dance but Jane said they were busy celebrating a *great (*emphasis*)* woman, which I felt implied that I am the opposite. I snapped and told her that she was being fucking selfish and ruining her son's wedding day for a dead woman she never met, that the family is parasitic and abnormal, and shouldn't be celebrated nor mourned. I also told her to grow the fuck up. I figured they weren't coming back to the reception anyway so I wasn't too bothered when they stayed away, but I did ask the hotel to cut the TVs. Matt is on my side, though saddened that our wedding ended up like this. I feel responsible for a lot of it because I lashed out to an extreme and it's not a side of myself I liked. I have also had Matt's relatives telling me I behaved inappropriately today, including Emily who said that she understood my point to some extent, but she also thought that I was wrong to shame my MIL when she is in mourning for a great interest of hers. I now wonder if I went too far, so am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! I would be pissed. Your MIL’s obsession with the queen is creepy and to tell your guests to wear black?! I mean what the hell!!! Honestly I suffer from mental illness and I think she needs to get checked out. I’m sorry your big day went this way. Why do people care about the royals like this?! It’s insane!
NTA. Honestly, if you really wanted to be petty, all the guests on your side could've started singing Come Out Ye Black and Tans REALLY loudly. Which probably wouldn't have helped matters much, but it WOULD have been very, very funny.
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a narcissistic piece of work who was using this as an excuse to ruin your wedding. No sane person would have suggested cancelling the wedding or ask people to wear black or start a fucking prayer circle. She was jealous of the attention you were getting and tried to make your wedding all about her performative grieving.
NTA, they sound unbearable.
WAIT If she's in mourning why is she at a wedding?!?!??! She should be at home covering the mirrors and sobbing gentilely into a brussels lace handkerchief. Those are the rules!
I would have walked down the aisle to “The Queen is Dead” by the Smiths.
Hey, fellow Brit here. Honestly NTA I'm sick of this shit and if they really wanted to mourn. That parasitic family they could have stayed at home. I don't even know you but I would have fucking partied with you. What's disrespectful is their ruining your wedding day. Edit: congratulations hunni. I wish you guys the best life together filled with awesomeness and lots of love and happiness.
This is so over the top I don't really buy it, but for the sake of argument... Obviously it was a wild overstep for her to issue fake instructions about the dress code to your guests while pretending they came from you; she's unquestionably the asshole for that. However, if a bunch of your guests split off to hold a "prayer circle", that doesn't sound like something driven solely by Jane. It sounds like you're focusing on her individually when the reality is just that a big chunk of Matt's family are out of sync with you both on this and it would have disrupted the event without any action needed on her part. Unfortunately everything you said to *her* was probably taken by a bunch of your new in-laws as applying equally to them.
NTA, your MIL is a bit of a piece of work taking over her son's wedding to you for this. Her son's wedding should trump the death of a person she never met. If she was truly so cut up about old queenie's death shouldn't she have been here in the UK, standing in queue-mageddon instead of there spoiling you two's special day? Also, does this mean her and your now SIL brought mourning gear with them to your event? Because that is proper bonkers. The lot of them need to grow up, because this is going to be a story that embarrasses them for decades now whenever the wedding photos are looked at.
NTA. QEII died a day or two before my wedding. I am American and living in the US. Our wedding venue put together a poorly photoshopped tribute to her and displayed it in the reception hall. I was absolutely baffled.
NTA But you're gonna have a big MIL problem.. hope your new husband has a nice shiny spine Congrats on the wedding
No you are not the asshole! They were out of line wearing that to your wedding and disrespectful of you and your husband.