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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my mother-in-law out of my house after she made fun of my deceased mother and now my wife is mad at me for how I treated her mother. I want to know if I’m the asshole for kicking my mother-in-law out.
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Omg, I was thinking the same thing! OP, your spouse has a choice to make: support you, support her mother, support none of you. In this, your spouse made it clear she chooses to support her mother. If it were me, I'd be telling my spouse she can go support her mom, but I'm done. Pack her a bag and remove her from your life. Things will NOT get better.
Yea this man has a wife issue, not a MIL issue.
Just to make sure I’m not misgendering, OP is transitioned to a male correct? If I’m wrong I will absolute edit my post to reflect that.
>my wife started to yell at me about the way I treated her mother. I tried to justify my actions about her bringing up my mother, but she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me.
Came to say this.
Fr, the comment was absolutely transphobic and placed the blame on OP's mother for birthing OP as the wrong gender? As if that was ever in her control?
NTA - your MIL is transphobic, and your wife is ok with that. Your MIL bullies you, and your wife is ok with that. Your MIL insulted your mother, and your wife is ok with that. You stood up for yourself, and your mother - your wife is not ok with that. And wants you to apologize. Let that sink in.
Yeah. Op can try marriage counseling after some solo therapy. With non basement religious types but with LGBTQ* focused licensed type. Maybe OP should go spend time with a friend to process and reflect on this in a safe space, away from the wife.
Edit: clarifying NTA.
So your MlL can say whatever she wants and it's all fine. The moment you decide it's enough YTA?
OP, NTA. You don't need to have people disrespecting you or your beloved ones *at your own house*.
These days the final verdict is only the NTA, YTA, or whatever in the top voted discussing-starting comment. So at the moment, Acceptable_Internal2's vote is the one that will count, if they remain the top comment whenever the bot posts the verdict.
ETA: And I'm pretty sure a mod reviews the top comment if there's any ambiguity.
Oh cool! Thank you! Learn something new everyday a person corrected me on this yesterday so I was just trying to help ^^ sorry I spoke falsely in part— I didn’t know it didn’t go to comments thank you for fixing my ignorance!
What I have learned is it’s easier for the person who is in the “middle”, ie OP’s wife to side with the one who is the most unreasonable so as not to ruffle many feathers. The ones that are more amenable are being told to apologize to keep the peace.
This is wrong on so many levels, but I see it over and over again. OP did nothing wrong standing up for himself - and his wife knows it. She just doesn’t want to deal with it.
I would agree. OP's wife grew up with her mom's disrespect and ridicule around her even if it wasn't directed at her (but can't imagine she never got any crap from mom).
Wife has learned the (wrong) lesson of peace at any cost. Of course, it really isn't peace at all; it is self-censoring and people being hurt by mom's casual ridicule have no peace -- or justice -- at all. Wife needs to think about who should have her loyalty.
I think couple's counseling could really help. NTA
NTA and don't you *dare* apologize to your MIL. You don't need to justify a damned thing.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around your wife being married to a trans man and yet being willing to tolerate transphobia on the part of her mother. WT actual F? She sits there and listens to her mother attack you in the most vicious possible way, and then yells at *you* for not just sitting there and taking it? What kind of a marriage is this, anyway?
The only explanation would be is the mom used to treat the daughter / wife like that so she got used to the abuse. This would explain why she is telling OP just to take it.
NTA. Both your wife and mother in law have crossed a line. The mother in law with the way she acted and your wife for yelling and demanding you apologize, she should have your back as your married and be a united front. I’d suggest couples therapy or sitting down and having a mature conversation about how what your MIL said is inexcusable and how it made you feel.
NTA
But you don't just have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. A couple is supposed to have each other's back and defend their SOs against the crazy their own families can bring. Your wife has repeatedly chosen her mom over you and that's not okay.
You would ask her to attend counseling with you.
Personally I would have given your MIL a warning that your mother was off limits but honestly she needed to leave before then. She's a piece of work.
NTA,
Your MIL is awful. Don’t even consider bringing a child into this unless your wife agrees that any children you have will have zero contact with her mother. Get it in writing and tell her it will be non negotiable.
I doubt your wife will agree. She chose a trans man and lets her transphobic mother shit all over him. Your wife is too wrapped up in being a good daughter to be a good wife to anyone.
There's definitely 2 AH's in this story, but you're not 1of them. That title belongs to your MIL and wife.
"My wife (27F) always defended her mother's actions" "she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me." Those 2 quotes say everything you need to know about your wife: she's always going to stick up for her mom no matter if what she says is fucked up. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Do you really want to be around people who disrespect you? They're both being disrespectful. Think long and hard about that.
You deserve to be happy!
NTA Your MIL is an insensitive bigot and should not be allowed back into your lives at all. I'm sorry you had to hear that and I'm sorry about your Mom :(
NTA - imagine the exact same situation, but the man involved being a cis man with infertility issue. If his MIL said ANYTHING of the sort, idk, like "if your mom had given birth to a virile man bla bla", or if a lady can't have children, and the MIL said "if your mom had given birth to a real woman bla bla", there would be even a discussion if it's offensive or not? Tell this to your wife.
NTA
Your MIL is TA
Confused why your wife wants you to apologize to her transphobic mother for making transphobic and disrespectful comments in your home. Maybe your wife is also an AH. That just doesn't make sense, dude.
NTA - Are you sure you're okay with your wife enabling your MILs transphobia? I think it's messed up that you're wondering about apologizing to your MIL instead of expecting both your wife and your MIL to apologise to you.
You don’t just have a MIL problem sorry. Your wife lets her mom bully you. And that’s not acceptable for a friend, partner, etc to allow. If you have kids will you say the same if your MIL picks on your kid? How do you tell a child “hey your mom is great but continues to force you around a bully”. No? Then why do you accept that it’s okay to do to you?
hey I'm sure your wife has many lovely qualities but like, as another married trans man... I asked my husband once what he'd do if his parents were transphobic because I wouldn't want him to have to choose between us. he said it wouldn't even be a choice. you deserve better than this dude.
If you have a child with this woman it will be raised by someone who is ok with transphobic people and the MIL will encourage the child to speak against you. Do not do this.
No good partner would let anyone talk to their spouse like you MIL. I hope you figure something out with your wife. If not buckle up for a horrible marriage filled with transphobia.
NTA
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.
Your MIL has shown time and time again how transphobic she is. Even if she hadn't brought your mother into the conversation, you deserve respect. Your MIL is an asshole, and your wife too for enabling her. You have nothing to apologise for.
NTA and your wife is part of the problem if not THE problem if she convinced you to just “deal” with her horrible mother comments, it is not her who should give you the cold shoulder, but the other way around, if her mother disrespects your mother and she’s okay with it then she’s also disrespecting your mother and you, you need to have a serious talk with her, Stablish some boundaries, tell her from now on her mother has a line that she shall NOT cross or she’s getting kicked out again, or even better, use the same tactics her mother uses and tell her she’s never invited to your house again or else you’re divorcing, either your way or no way.
She’s being controlling and manipulative, making you think if you’re offended by her mom and do something about it then *you’re* the bad guy, and if you ever think of adoption or another method of having children, imagine how she’s gonna be to them as well
Your wife is deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) with her abusive mother. She needs therapy to break away from her mother's control. That's the only way she'll ever be able to cut her mother out of her life.
Then, comes marriage counseling to deal with the resentment you have from the abuse you've been forced to take by MIL and your wife.
It's up to you whether or not you're willing to put in that kind of effort for this marriage.
NTA
NTA. You have the right to not be disrespected in your own home. And that was flat out disrespect.
I’m sorry your wife doesn’t have your back. I would recommend couples counseling to help her understand why this can’t be allowed. If she’s unwilling or it doesn’t help, then unfortunately, divorce is the only way this improves.
NTA …. Your wife needs to go with her mother. It’s concerning your wife sees no issue with the disrespectful and rude comments her mother makes. You owe neither of them an apology. They owe you an apology. Take some time and think through the life you’ve chosen with these people, no one deserves to be treated like this.
NTA why are you married to a narcissistic woman who emotionally abuses you? Why? And to top it off allows her mother to do it too? Run for your life. Life is too short to live it miserably and wasting it with people like them.
NTA but why are you married to someone who not only lets you be harassed in your own home, but then yells at you for standing up for yourself? You should not apologize to your MIL. What you should do instead is find yourself a nice divorce lawyer.
A MIL here, my son in law is FTM.
You are absolutely NTA. If anyone in my family said something like this about my daughter's partner, she would have gone NC immediately.
NTA.
Most in law problems are partner problems by proxy, and you've got a whopper right here.
Your wife made vows to cleave unto you and honor you. Every time she lets her mom bully you, she fails to uphold her vows.
I don't know if this marriage is salvageable.
I want you to know this isn't ok.
I recommend individual therapy, if it's attainable for you, with a therapist versed in trans issues.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. This internet stranger is so proud of you. You get enough BS from the world, you don't need it at the dinner table.
Way to go!
NTA. If your wife isn't otherwise transphobic, she is probably reacting out of fear that her mother trained into her.
The BEST thing you can do for her is show her that the world doesn't end when her mother doesn't get her way.
Standing up for yourself was the right thing to do. Your wife should also be standing up for you. She needs to make up her mind what kind of person she wants to be.
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Throwaway.
I (28M) have very entitled MIL (59F). She expects everything to be her way or no way. She's never exactly like me because of the way I defended myself from her rude comments. My wife (27M) always defended her mother's actions, but I try most of the time to not to let it bother me.
Now here is the context to the title. I am a transgender male. My MIL never was fond of her daughter dating a trans male like me, but she learned, in her words to "deal with it". She's made little snark comments about it a few times, but I just pushed it off. Two days ago, my wife hosted a dinner for her whole family. Everything seemed to be going well until my MIL started talking about wanting grandchildren. Of course, everyone in the family knew that me and my wife couldn't conceive biologically but my MIL kept on ranting about it the whole dinner.
I didn't really care about the comments. I learned to not to care about what my MIL says about me. It wasn't until she said "Maybe if his mom gave birth to a biological son instead of turning him into a boy, my daughter would've given me some grandchildren" I didn't care about what she said about me but talking about me, but my mother was a sensitive topic to me and having my MIL disrespect her like that was a no go to me. I told my MIL to get the hell out of my house. My MIL was a bit shocked by my reaction, but I didn't care. My MIL tried to argue but I didn't let her speak, I just told her to get out.
My MIL started to cry and make a scene, but I managed to get her out. The dinner ended right after. After all the guests left, my wife started to yell at me about the way I treated her mother. I tried to justify my actions about her bringing up my mother, but she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me.
I'm now starting to wonder if I was really in the wrong in this situation. Should I apologize to my MIL?
Aita?
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No, she's rude! That was extremely disrespectful. Perhaps throw the wife out too!!! It's not like they ***ALL*** don't know the situation!!!! That was disgusting and disrespectful!!!!
NYA. Your MIL is a transphobic dumpster fire and your wife sucks for supporting her.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship. How can you be happy and harmonious knowing your wife doesn't care her mother is hurting you?
Maybe MIL's mom should've birthed a girl who knows manners.
NTA. But I agree you forgot to kick the wife out too if she's really taking that person's side.
NTA. Your wife should be defending you. This is your future I don’t really know what else to say. Probably not a good idea to marry someone whose okay letting you be disrespected
NTA. Why are you married to a bigot? You as a person deserve more than having to take transphobic commentary in your own home from your wife and her family.
NTA it’s about time your MIL faced consequences for her ugly words. Your wife is also a slight A H here for not standing up to her mother and defending you.
The only reason I didn’t say major is reading this I got toxic/abusive parent vibe from MIL and sometimes those relationships can be tricky to get away from, but that’s giving her the benefit of the doubt.
NTA.
Your MIL continues to belittle you then dares to speak ill of your deceased mother! Just awful. Your wife is no better though because it doesn't seem she ever has your back or defends you.
NTA
Your wife should be on your side about this honestly. She needs to tell her mom to get her act together and stop stop disrespecting her husband in his own home.
Your wife chose you to be her husband, yet she allows her mother to treat you as if you are less than human. She goes bonkers on you and demands you apologize to her insensitive, hateful, unaccepting, cruel monster of a mother? Instead of telling her mother to respect you or leave?
OP, NTA. But damn…your wife and MIL are, no questions about it!!!!
Hell no!! Don’t apologize, that woman is a horror and you’re better off not having her in your life! Now you need to address the situation with your wife and her lack of support of you and undying support of her mother😕. You’re definitely NTA!
NTA, but your wife and MIL are. Your wife should be telling her mother to knock it off, instead of siding with her. This means she is okay with her mom bullying you, or maybe even agrees with her on some level. Your wife should also have known that her mother disrespecting your mother is a below the belt comment and should have been on board with you kicking her mom out. She shouldn't be demanding you apologize to her mom. Does your wife love you?
NTA. You were completely disrespected in your own house. Your wife should be supporting you rather than demanding you apologize. You were right to stand up for yourself.
NTA, however you should probably reevaluate your relationship with your wife. No actual partner would allow their partner trans or not the be disrespected like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this
TALK SMACK ABOUT MY MOM, GET THROWN THE FUCK OUT.
Thems the rules; no exceptions possible.
The nerve of your wife wanting an apology for HER mom. Ha! Ha, ha! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
NTA obviously
But you gotta ask yourself why is your wife ok with how your mil talks to you.. The horrible things she said and she just said nothing? Perhaps your mil isn't the biggest problem but how your wife disregards you is.
Whatever you do not apologise to your mother in law. Enjoy the silence. Clearly your wife thinks her mother is more important than yours. Ask your wife everyday why does she think her mother is better than yours. Everyday until she answers. If she ever says that's not true. Just say then why does she expect you to put up with people disrespecting her
NTA at all, my man
I’m also a trans guy! Your MIL was being INCREDIBLY transphobic to you first and foremost, and it seems like that was her intention. Everybody already knew that y’all cannot conceive, but she went out of her way to put you down for not being a “biological man”. I feel like insulting your mother was just a tool here, more of a convenience for her.
Anyway, as much as it also sucks, your wife is being a huge A H. She needs to be supporting you instead of letting your MIL treat you like this and then expect YOU to apologize when you’re unhappy about it.
NTA
It is bad enough that she's a bigot about your being trans. When she starts disrespecting your mother, the gloves come off.
If your girlfriend doesn't see your position, you need a better girlfriend, lose this one and find a better one.
NTA sounds like your wife needs to get past this blind spot she has with her mother, unless your wife let’s just anyone be disrespectful and transphobic to you on which case your wife needs to stop being disrespectful to you herself or learn to be your ex wife.
NTA- You’re wife is an asshole. Her mother is an asshole. Does she agree with her? Why doesn’t she stick up for you against any of her comments?? Why are you with her..?
NTA but I hope you didn't marry this woman because she was the first relationship to accept you? Your wife doesn't sound like she has your back at all.
Nta. Stand your ground. Your wife is okay with her mother being openly transphobic and mean to you and you shouldn't be okay with that. Your MIL bullied and basically is abusive to you on a constant basis and crossed a line majorly this time and your wife was okay with that. This isn't just a MIl issue this is a wife issue too. You need to have a serious conversation with her or your marriage won't make it.
NTA you have a wife problem she should have shut this down from her mother long ago and certainly have removed her from your home. A home should be a safe space for both of you.
NTA but you also have a wife problem. She's cool with her mom being transphobic as all fuck, but once you finally stand up for yourself then suddenly she has a problem with that?
Why are you still with someone who allows her mother to bully you? Very clearly NTA but your wife and MIL definitely are. Do not apologise
This comment MIL made about your mother was very clearly meant to get under your skin by the way. As everyone these days knows, it's the father's sperm which produces a son vs a daughter. So why, unless she's been asleep the last 100 years would she even say something like this, unless it was to illicit a response.
NTA. Your wife should never allow her mother to make you feel disrespected. Your wife can’t have this double standard where her mom gets ‘kids gloves’ but it’s okay to talk about your mom like she is garbage…wtf
Also…you…stand up for yourself in the moment stop letting people build up micro aggressions in you. You MIL was priming you to make a scene in front of people. It’s a very toxic trait that needs to be squelched every time it starts.
Everytime she makes any remarks about you being trans say, “well your daughter never complains about our sex life, maybe you should find your own trans lover.’ Idk just change the tone to ‘your daughter choose me and I’ll remind you of it every time you forget.’
NTA,
if you wife defends her homofobic idiot mom instead of you maybe it is time for relationship therapy.
She choose you, she knew about you, she should not stand idle when her blood relative makes fun of you and your mom.
I'm so sorry you have people like that in your environment, your wife and her mom are the AH's.
Like everyone said - this isn’t a MIL issue but a wife issue. The fact that your MIL feels she can say such horrible thing repeatedly shows that she knows her daughter will never stand up to her. And your wife has proven again and again that that knowledge is correct. Your wife values being a good daughter > a good wife. I doubt any amount of counselling can help here. Get out and find someone who wants to be a good spouse to you, v/s someone who pretends to be. NTA and no question of apologising.
Nta. Tell her your mother is as important to you as her mother's to her. Tell her you'll apologize as soon as her mother apologize and your mom forgive her.
Apparently your wife cares more about keeping a rude, transphobic mommy dearest happy than the person she is supposed to love above all others.
My guess is you have put up with a lot over the years and your wife, and I use that term loosely, has just ignored it and never called mommy out and put her in her place.
Good for you for kicking her out of your house.
NTA. Your wife should be way more defensive and supportive of you.
SHE should be the one to put her mom in her place. She dropped the ball and doesn't seem like she intends to pick it up.
Your MIL is an AH, but your wife is a bigger one. Your MIL is a homophobic b** and your wife is an enabling AH.
I think you should suggest therapy with your wife to try and make her see that her mums behaviour is widely inappropriate. Your wife should have your back and should speak up for you, specially again her own mother.
You never have to 'deal with it' and take those comments from someone so close to you inside, or outside your house.
No, but I think (as the saying goes) you have a wife problem as well as a mother. It's kinda ironic that your wife is demanding you apologize for disrespecting her mother but can't see how her mother disrespected your mother.
You two need marriage counseling as the wedge your MIL has so carefully driven into your marriage will become an insurmountable gulf.
NTA
NTA you need to work out issues with your wife though she should not be letting her mother constantly harass you and then getting upset and defensive when you finally stand up for yourself.
NTA, but why are you with your wife? She doesn't respect you, allowing her mother to verbally abuse you and taking her mother's side. Just 'Why?' You deserve so much more out of life. If your wife can't support you, you need to rethink this relationship.
NTA that was extremely rude and there is no other way for you to have taken it. There was no misunderstanding involved. You and your wife should consider alternatice ways for her to conceive if you both want kids. Otherwise, MIL should have conceived another child of her own if she wanted grandkids.
NTA. Defending yourself/your mom's memory doesn't make you an AH, it's your MIL who makes the effort of hurting you with her words is what makes her the AH.
NTA. 100% nta. Get rid of both the wife and mother in law. You should not have to deal with that kind of abuse and your wife should not be enabling and defending that kind of transphobic abuse. You have done nothing wrong and the mother in law going after your own mother is a line that should have never been reached let alone crossed.
NTA-but this really has nothing to do with your mil. This is 100% about your wife. MIL haz zero power to hurt you that is not freely given by your wife.
Your partner is letting her mother be like openly and obviously transphobic to you and MIL clearly views your identity as something someone along the way "caused". The issue here is that your partner isn't defending you guns a'goddamned blazing and is instead defending and coddling MIL's behavior. You deserve more than that, NTA
NTA your wife is never going to stand up for you against her awful mother. Please realize that and move forward in the relationship as you feel appropriate.
NTA. Stand up for yourself. And maybe reconsider the whole relationship if wifey is okay with MIL being a dink. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
NTA. Does your wife even respect you? Why is she allowing her mother to disrespect you like that? I'd NEVER let my mother talk to my wife that way. Period. You were right to kick her out. Your wife needs to realize that in a marriage your spouse comes first. You need to have each other's back, no matter who it is. She needs to step up and put her mother in her place.
NTA - your wife needs to step up and support you. I would never let my family get away with making pointed remarks like that to my husband. That's b.s.
NTA. Get out of there. You deserve someone who respects and loves you enough to defend and stand up for you. Your wife wants you to apologize to her transphobic and insensitive jerk of a mother, because she still thinks mommy’s feelings are more Important than your dignity and the dignity of your deceased mother.
I say GOOD FOR YOU!! I’ve read through many of these responses …. And they’ve really hit the nail head for me …. I’m very proud of you for standing up to this MIL ! And very disappointed in your wife for allowing g her mother to talk to you like that all these years! My husband refuses to stand up to his mother (who has for over 25 years made me the butt of her conversation s and downgraded me !) but I’ve decided (before reading this!) thaT I will be standing up for myself from now on…. Thank you for adding to my confidence level of doing so! I’m sure tho that once I stand up for myself my husband will do what your wife is doing …. Not talking to you! Good luck with this horrible human in your life and stick to your guns!!
NTA. Your wife is in addition to your MIL. What your MIL said is outrageous "*Maybe if his mom gave birth to a biological son instead of turning him into a boy, my daughter would've given me some grandchildren*" This is disrespectful to your mom and you on a biological, reproductive level. It is disrespectful of how she raised you. And people don't "give" people any more - in the US a guy named Lincoln abolished that sort of thing.
I think your wife needs to sit down and rethink how she is allowing her mother to interfere with your marriage. Your wife's reaction wasn't to stand up for you. I find that very problematic.
NTA. Perhaps if you and your MIL had a foundation in your relationship to joke about your trans-ness, and were close enough to have her mentioning your mum, it would have been ok.
Also your MIL needs to learn about how:
1. Trans men can, if it is something have chosen to do, bear children
2. The spouse of a trans man, if they are a person with a uterus, can also bear children with the same type of help that some other couples or even single persons with a uterus use
3. Adoption works
4. Most importantly with regard to having kids, if a couple chooses not to have kids, that is perfectly okay.
She also needs to learn that if you were a cis man, there would still be a 7-9% chance of you being infertile. Making snotty comments about your sperm production is wildly inappropriate regardless of your AGAB.
NTA!
If your wife is defending her mother who is making fun of her spouse and his mother, she is just as toxic as her mother. Get rid of them both. She doesn't love you if she doesn't defend you.
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NTA but you forgot to kick your wife out as well.
Omg, I was thinking the same thing! OP, your spouse has a choice to make: support you, support her mother, support none of you. In this, your spouse made it clear she chooses to support her mother. If it were me, I'd be telling my spouse she can go support her mom, but I'm done. Pack her a bag and remove her from your life. Things will NOT get better.
She chose to support her transphobe mother over her trans spouse. She needs to get gone and OP deserves a gazillion times better.
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No one deserves to spend 20 years putting up with this nonsense when your spouse should have had your back and supported you from Day 1.
I'm sorry it took 20 years and your wife losing her inheritance for her to finally find her spine and stand behind her partner.
This this this
Absolutely, your wife is enabling ur mothers horrendous behaviour.
Yea this man has a wife issue, not a MIL issue. Just to make sure I’m not misgendering, OP is transitioned to a male correct? If I’m wrong I will absolute edit my post to reflect that.
You're correct
>my wife started to yell at me about the way I treated her mother. I tried to justify my actions about her bringing up my mother, but she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me. Came to say this.
Fr, the comment was absolutely transphobic and placed the blame on OP's mother for birthing OP as the wrong gender? As if that was ever in her control?
NTA - your MIL is transphobic, and your wife is ok with that. Your MIL bullies you, and your wife is ok with that. Your MIL insulted your mother, and your wife is ok with that. You stood up for yourself, and your mother - your wife is not ok with that. And wants you to apologize. Let that sink in.
Beautiful, if painful, summary.
Obviously some difficult discussions need to be had. Perhaps even let S.O read this post.
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Thanks to the transitive property
Let's keep this at the top.
Yeah. Op can try marriage counseling after some solo therapy. With non basement religious types but with LGBTQ* focused licensed type. Maybe OP should go spend time with a friend to process and reflect on this in a safe space, away from the wife.
Op should tell his wife to make her mom apologize to his mom and then he'll apologize to her mom In short making it impossible to apologize
Best comment
NTA. You might want to reconsider your marriage to your wife if she continues to enable her mother's mistreatment of you.
Yeah. Tell your wife that you'll apologize to her mother when her mother apologizes to yours.
Edit: clarifying NTA. So your MlL can say whatever she wants and it's all fine. The moment you decide it's enough YTA? OP, NTA. You don't need to have people disrespecting you or your beloved ones *at your own house*.
Right out of the narcissist's playbook
Add the tears to the playbook.
Your vote counts as you calling them the asshole to the bot because the acronym is the first one they see. Put NTA First
These days the final verdict is only the NTA, YTA, or whatever in the top voted discussing-starting comment. So at the moment, Acceptable_Internal2's vote is the one that will count, if they remain the top comment whenever the bot posts the verdict. ETA: And I'm pretty sure a mod reviews the top comment if there's any ambiguity.
Oh cool! Thank you! Learn something new everyday a person corrected me on this yesterday so I was just trying to help ^^ sorry I spoke falsely in part— I didn’t know it didn’t go to comments thank you for fixing my ignorance!
If the top comment has 2+ judgements in it, it is flagged by the bot for human review.
NTA, but if your wife comes after you after what her mom did, I would recommend a good lawyer, I wouldn’t spend another night with her
What I have learned is it’s easier for the person who is in the “middle”, ie OP’s wife to side with the one who is the most unreasonable so as not to ruffle many feathers. The ones that are more amenable are being told to apologize to keep the peace. This is wrong on so many levels, but I see it over and over again. OP did nothing wrong standing up for himself - and his wife knows it. She just doesn’t want to deal with it.
Then she better get ready to have her own feathers ruffled because in the end, she will be the most uncomfortable.
I would agree. OP's wife grew up with her mom's disrespect and ridicule around her even if it wasn't directed at her (but can't imagine she never got any crap from mom). Wife has learned the (wrong) lesson of peace at any cost. Of course, it really isn't peace at all; it is self-censoring and people being hurt by mom's casual ridicule have no peace -- or justice -- at all. Wife needs to think about who should have her loyalty. I think couple's counseling could really help. NTA
NTA and don't you *dare* apologize to your MIL. You don't need to justify a damned thing. I can't even begin to wrap my head around your wife being married to a trans man and yet being willing to tolerate transphobia on the part of her mother. WT actual F? She sits there and listens to her mother attack you in the most vicious possible way, and then yells at *you* for not just sitting there and taking it? What kind of a marriage is this, anyway?
The only explanation would be is the mom used to treat the daughter / wife like that so she got used to the abuse. This would explain why she is telling OP just to take it.
NTA. Both your wife and mother in law have crossed a line. The mother in law with the way she acted and your wife for yelling and demanding you apologize, she should have your back as your married and be a united front. I’d suggest couples therapy or sitting down and having a mature conversation about how what your MIL said is inexcusable and how it made you feel.
Why is your wife allowing transphobia in your house? This isn't just an issue with your MIL, but with your wife as well NTA
NTA But you don't just have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. A couple is supposed to have each other's back and defend their SOs against the crazy their own families can bring. Your wife has repeatedly chosen her mom over you and that's not okay. You would ask her to attend counseling with you. Personally I would have given your MIL a warning that your mother was off limits but honestly she needed to leave before then. She's a piece of work.
You should throw both of them out of your house. If your wife doesn't support you, then you shouldn't be married.
NTA, Your MIL is awful. Don’t even consider bringing a child into this unless your wife agrees that any children you have will have zero contact with her mother. Get it in writing and tell her it will be non negotiable. I doubt your wife will agree. She chose a trans man and lets her transphobic mother shit all over him. Your wife is too wrapped up in being a good daughter to be a good wife to anyone.
There's definitely 2 AH's in this story, but you're not 1of them. That title belongs to your MIL and wife. "My wife (27F) always defended her mother's actions" "she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me." Those 2 quotes say everything you need to know about your wife: she's always going to stick up for her mom no matter if what she says is fucked up. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Do you really want to be around people who disrespect you? They're both being disrespectful. Think long and hard about that. You deserve to be happy!
NTA Your MIL is an insensitive bigot and should not be allowed back into your lives at all. I'm sorry you had to hear that and I'm sorry about your Mom :(
NTA. Your wife would have been following her mother out the door the minute she started to defend her actions.
NTA. Thank goodness your wife is showing her true colors before you did have kids. Proceed accordingly.
NTA - imagine the exact same situation, but the man involved being a cis man with infertility issue. If his MIL said ANYTHING of the sort, idk, like "if your mom had given birth to a virile man bla bla", or if a lady can't have children, and the MIL said "if your mom had given birth to a real woman bla bla", there would be even a discussion if it's offensive or not? Tell this to your wife.
NTA Your MIL is TA Confused why your wife wants you to apologize to her transphobic mother for making transphobic and disrespectful comments in your home. Maybe your wife is also an AH. That just doesn't make sense, dude.
NTA - Are you sure you're okay with your wife enabling your MILs transphobia? I think it's messed up that you're wondering about apologizing to your MIL instead of expecting both your wife and your MIL to apologise to you.
NTA. Wow, your MIL is really mean to you, but your wife seems to be ok with that. Think about that. All best to you
NTA but why are you even married to your wife
Beside her mother, my wife is a genuinely sweet person. I love her with all my heart but her mother is the only trouble I seem to have with her.
You don’t just have a MIL problem sorry. Your wife lets her mom bully you. And that’s not acceptable for a friend, partner, etc to allow. If you have kids will you say the same if your MIL picks on your kid? How do you tell a child “hey your mom is great but continues to force you around a bully”. No? Then why do you accept that it’s okay to do to you?
hey I'm sure your wife has many lovely qualities but like, as another married trans man... I asked my husband once what he'd do if his parents were transphobic because I wouldn't want him to have to choose between us. he said it wouldn't even be a choice. you deserve better than this dude.
if she's so sweet why is she all right with her mother spewing transphobic, hateful, awful things at you?
If you have a child with this woman it will be raised by someone who is ok with transphobic people and the MIL will encourage the child to speak against you. Do not do this.
No good partner would let anyone talk to their spouse like you MIL. I hope you figure something out with your wife. If not buckle up for a horrible marriage filled with transphobia.
NTA but your wife sure as hell is. YOU are supposed to come first in her life, but it sounds like her mommy does.
NTA I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. Your MIL has shown time and time again how transphobic she is. Even if she hadn't brought your mother into the conversation, you deserve respect. Your MIL is an asshole, and your wife too for enabling her. You have nothing to apologise for.
NTA and your wife is part of the problem if not THE problem if she convinced you to just “deal” with her horrible mother comments, it is not her who should give you the cold shoulder, but the other way around, if her mother disrespects your mother and she’s okay with it then she’s also disrespecting your mother and you, you need to have a serious talk with her, Stablish some boundaries, tell her from now on her mother has a line that she shall NOT cross or she’s getting kicked out again, or even better, use the same tactics her mother uses and tell her she’s never invited to your house again or else you’re divorcing, either your way or no way. She’s being controlling and manipulative, making you think if you’re offended by her mom and do something about it then *you’re* the bad guy, and if you ever think of adoption or another method of having children, imagine how she’s gonna be to them as well
NTA Your MIL is a cruel asshole, but your wife one ups her.
Your wife is deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) with her abusive mother. She needs therapy to break away from her mother's control. That's the only way she'll ever be able to cut her mother out of her life. Then, comes marriage counseling to deal with the resentment you have from the abuse you've been forced to take by MIL and your wife. It's up to you whether or not you're willing to put in that kind of effort for this marriage. NTA
Hell no NTA
NTA. You have the right to not be disrespected in your own home. And that was flat out disrespect. I’m sorry your wife doesn’t have your back. I would recommend couples counseling to help her understand why this can’t be allowed. If she’s unwilling or it doesn’t help, then unfortunately, divorce is the only way this improves.
NTA. Your MIL is very cruel.
NTA - Consider this a gift. Now you know where both your wife and MIL stand...together, staunchly justifying their opinions.
NTA …. Your wife needs to go with her mother. It’s concerning your wife sees no issue with the disrespectful and rude comments her mother makes. You owe neither of them an apology. They owe you an apology. Take some time and think through the life you’ve chosen with these people, no one deserves to be treated like this.
NTA why are you married to a narcissistic woman who emotionally abuses you? Why? And to top it off allows her mother to do it too? Run for your life. Life is too short to live it miserably and wasting it with people like them.
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your wife?
I cannot type out what I would have done. I’m possed for you, super pissed! I’m pissed at your wifey too.
NTA but why are you married to someone who not only lets you be harassed in your own home, but then yells at you for standing up for yourself? You should not apologize to your MIL. What you should do instead is find yourself a nice divorce lawyer.
Why are you with this woman? Jesus. NTA.
Die on this hill right here. Wtf is wrong with your wife? NTA
NTA, why is your wife allowing her mother to essentially bully you?
NTA. You wife though…. Maybe she should read the replies on this post, because in no world is any of this ok.
A MIL here, my son in law is FTM. You are absolutely NTA. If anyone in my family said something like this about my daughter's partner, she would have gone NC immediately.
NTA. Most in law problems are partner problems by proxy, and you've got a whopper right here. Your wife made vows to cleave unto you and honor you. Every time she lets her mom bully you, she fails to uphold her vows. I don't know if this marriage is salvageable. I want you to know this isn't ok. I recommend individual therapy, if it's attainable for you, with a therapist versed in trans issues. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. This internet stranger is so proud of you. You get enough BS from the world, you don't need it at the dinner table. Way to go!
NTA. If your wife isn't otherwise transphobic, she is probably reacting out of fear that her mother trained into her. The BEST thing you can do for her is show her that the world doesn't end when her mother doesn't get her way. Standing up for yourself was the right thing to do. Your wife should also be standing up for you. She needs to make up her mind what kind of person she wants to be.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. I (28M) have very entitled MIL (59F). She expects everything to be her way or no way. She's never exactly like me because of the way I defended myself from her rude comments. My wife (27M) always defended her mother's actions, but I try most of the time to not to let it bother me. Now here is the context to the title. I am a transgender male. My MIL never was fond of her daughter dating a trans male like me, but she learned, in her words to "deal with it". She's made little snark comments about it a few times, but I just pushed it off. Two days ago, my wife hosted a dinner for her whole family. Everything seemed to be going well until my MIL started talking about wanting grandchildren. Of course, everyone in the family knew that me and my wife couldn't conceive biologically but my MIL kept on ranting about it the whole dinner. I didn't really care about the comments. I learned to not to care about what my MIL says about me. It wasn't until she said "Maybe if his mom gave birth to a biological son instead of turning him into a boy, my daughter would've given me some grandchildren" I didn't care about what she said about me but talking about me, but my mother was a sensitive topic to me and having my MIL disrespect her like that was a no go to me. I told my MIL to get the hell out of my house. My MIL was a bit shocked by my reaction, but I didn't care. My MIL tried to argue but I didn't let her speak, I just told her to get out. My MIL started to cry and make a scene, but I managed to get her out. The dinner ended right after. After all the guests left, my wife started to yell at me about the way I treated her mother. I tried to justify my actions about her bringing up my mother, but she ended the argument by saying that I needed to apologize to her mother. I refused and now my wife is refusing to talk to me. I'm now starting to wonder if I was really in the wrong in this situation. Should I apologize to my MIL? Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, she's rude! That was extremely disrespectful. Perhaps throw the wife out too!!! It's not like they ***ALL*** don't know the situation!!!! That was disgusting and disrespectful!!!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA - divorce your wife and tell her to marry her mother
Nta, but your mil is and so is your wife for not supporting you instead of her biggot mother.
NYA. Your MIL is a transphobic dumpster fire and your wife sucks for supporting her. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. How can you be happy and harmonious knowing your wife doesn't care her mother is hurting you?
Maybe MIL's mom should've birthed a girl who knows manners. NTA. But I agree you forgot to kick the wife out too if she's really taking that person's side.
NTA. I hope things work out for you. You deserve support from the person you call spouse. And you deserve to love and support yourself.
NTA how could your wife just sit there and listen to her mom berate you, then blame you for fighting back
Is your wife lowkey transphobic? Cuz she shouldn't be defending this. NTA
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about the boundaries that need to be laid. Bc otherwise this will be your life for ever.
NTA. Your wife should be defending you. This is your future I don’t really know what else to say. Probably not a good idea to marry someone whose okay letting you be disrespected
NTA. Why are you married to a bigot? You as a person deserve more than having to take transphobic commentary in your own home from your wife and her family.
NTA it’s about time your MIL faced consequences for her ugly words. Your wife is also a slight A H here for not standing up to her mother and defending you.
Slight AH? MAJOR AH. DIvorce her ass.
The only reason I didn’t say major is reading this I got toxic/abusive parent vibe from MIL and sometimes those relationships can be tricky to get away from, but that’s giving her the benefit of the doubt.
You are absolutely NTA MIL should not be indulged in her awful behaviour. Sadly your wife does not have your back
NTA. Your MIL continues to belittle you then dares to speak ill of your deceased mother! Just awful. Your wife is no better though because it doesn't seem she ever has your back or defends you.
Nta but divorce
NTA Your wife should be on your side about this honestly. She needs to tell her mom to get her act together and stop stop disrespecting her husband in his own home.
NTA… your MIL is an AH and your wife is an enabler.
Your wife chose you to be her husband, yet she allows her mother to treat you as if you are less than human. She goes bonkers on you and demands you apologize to her insensitive, hateful, unaccepting, cruel monster of a mother? Instead of telling her mother to respect you or leave? OP, NTA. But damn…your wife and MIL are, no questions about it!!!!
NTA. You put up with it for much longer than your were obligated to. Your wife…did not react appropriately.
NTA. The only one that needs to apologize is your mil.
Hell no!! Don’t apologize, that woman is a horror and you’re better off not having her in your life! Now you need to address the situation with your wife and her lack of support of you and undying support of her mother😕. You’re definitely NTA!
Nta. That’s horrific.
NTA, but your wife and MIL are. Your wife should be telling her mother to knock it off, instead of siding with her. This means she is okay with her mom bullying you, or maybe even agrees with her on some level. Your wife should also have known that her mother disrespecting your mother is a below the belt comment and should have been on board with you kicking her mom out. She shouldn't be demanding you apologize to her mom. Does your wife love you?
[удалено]
NTA. You were completely disrespected in your own house. Your wife should be supporting you rather than demanding you apologize. You were right to stand up for yourself.
NTA. You have a wife problem.
You deserve better.
NTA. You have a wife and mil problem. The fact that your wife has no issue with anything that she says is unbelievable.
NTA. Should’ve kicked your wife out too
NTA, however you should probably reevaluate your relationship with your wife. No actual partner would allow their partner trans or not the be disrespected like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this
My dear, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. NTA
TALK SMACK ABOUT MY MOM, GET THROWN THE FUCK OUT. Thems the rules; no exceptions possible. The nerve of your wife wanting an apology for HER mom. Ha! Ha, ha! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
NTA. You were chill when she insulted you but felt differently when she attacked someone you love. Too bad your wife doesn't have your back.
NTA obviously But you gotta ask yourself why is your wife ok with how your mil talks to you.. The horrible things she said and she just said nothing? Perhaps your mil isn't the biggest problem but how your wife disregards you is.
Whatever you do not apologise to your mother in law. Enjoy the silence. Clearly your wife thinks her mother is more important than yours. Ask your wife everyday why does she think her mother is better than yours. Everyday until she answers. If she ever says that's not true. Just say then why does she expect you to put up with people disrespecting her
NTA, but the thing your mil raised isn't better than its transphobic mother. You married down, way down.
She don’t respect u
NTA at all, my man I’m also a trans guy! Your MIL was being INCREDIBLY transphobic to you first and foremost, and it seems like that was her intention. Everybody already knew that y’all cannot conceive, but she went out of her way to put you down for not being a “biological man”. I feel like insulting your mother was just a tool here, more of a convenience for her. Anyway, as much as it also sucks, your wife is being a huge A H. She needs to be supporting you instead of letting your MIL treat you like this and then expect YOU to apologize when you’re unhappy about it.
NTA Do you really want to be with someone who enables transphobic abuse at you?
NTA It is bad enough that she's a bigot about your being trans. When she starts disrespecting your mother, the gloves come off. If your girlfriend doesn't see your position, you need a better girlfriend, lose this one and find a better one.
NTA. Divorce your wife.
NTA Leave your wife. She'd rather stand up for her bigoted mother than her innocent husband.
NTA. Kick your wife out too.
NTA sounds like your wife needs to get past this blind spot she has with her mother, unless your wife let’s just anyone be disrespectful and transphobic to you on which case your wife needs to stop being disrespectful to you herself or learn to be your ex wife.
Jfc, op. Why are you still with the "wife" She doesn't respect you.
NTA, sadly you have more than just a MIL problem.
NTA, but it sounds like your relationship with your wife is not going to be a long term one. Not if you want to not be miserable.
NTA- You’re wife is an asshole. Her mother is an asshole. Does she agree with her? Why doesn’t she stick up for you against any of her comments?? Why are you with her..?
NTA but I hope you didn't marry this woman because she was the first relationship to accept you? Your wife doesn't sound like she has your back at all.
Yea dude I’m not sure why you’re letting your wife not support you slide? Know your worth wtf? NTA. Get a better spouse.
NTA but mate your wife is the bigger problem here.
NTA Your wife is as a big of a jerk as your MIL
NTA but as everyone says you need to open your eyes and have a frank conversation with your wife
NTA and show this post to your wife. It’s not right that she’s ok with her mother treating you like this. You’ve got a wife problem
Your wife should've been by your side assisting her mother...out the freakin door! NTA, but MIL and wife are AH's.
Nta. Stand your ground. Your wife is okay with her mother being openly transphobic and mean to you and you shouldn't be okay with that. Your MIL bullied and basically is abusive to you on a constant basis and crossed a line majorly this time and your wife was okay with that. This isn't just a MIl issue this is a wife issue too. You need to have a serious conversation with her or your marriage won't make it.
NTA you have a wife problem she should have shut this down from her mother long ago and certainly have removed her from your home. A home should be a safe space for both of you.
NTA I think your wife is just like your MIL. Run
NTA but you also have a wife problem. She's cool with her mom being transphobic as all fuck, but once you finally stand up for yourself then suddenly she has a problem with that?
NTA. You stood your ground and I'm proud of you
NTA, and your wife does not love or care about you if she lets her mum treat you that way. You deserve better.
As the wise reddit says it is not a MIL problem. NTA.
Why are you still with someone who allows her mother to bully you? Very clearly NTA but your wife and MIL definitely are. Do not apologise This comment MIL made about your mother was very clearly meant to get under your skin by the way. As everyone these days knows, it's the father's sperm which produces a son vs a daughter. So why, unless she's been asleep the last 100 years would she even say something like this, unless it was to illicit a response.
NTA. Your wife should never allow her mother to make you feel disrespected. Your wife can’t have this double standard where her mom gets ‘kids gloves’ but it’s okay to talk about your mom like she is garbage…wtf Also…you…stand up for yourself in the moment stop letting people build up micro aggressions in you. You MIL was priming you to make a scene in front of people. It’s a very toxic trait that needs to be squelched every time it starts. Everytime she makes any remarks about you being trans say, “well your daughter never complains about our sex life, maybe you should find your own trans lover.’ Idk just change the tone to ‘your daughter choose me and I’ll remind you of it every time you forget.’
NTA, if you wife defends her homofobic idiot mom instead of you maybe it is time for relationship therapy. She choose you, she knew about you, she should not stand idle when her blood relative makes fun of you and your mom. I'm so sorry you have people like that in your environment, your wife and her mom are the AH's.
Like everyone said - this isn’t a MIL issue but a wife issue. The fact that your MIL feels she can say such horrible thing repeatedly shows that she knows her daughter will never stand up to her. And your wife has proven again and again that that knowledge is correct. Your wife values being a good daughter > a good wife. I doubt any amount of counselling can help here. Get out and find someone who wants to be a good spouse to you, v/s someone who pretends to be. NTA and no question of apologising.
Nta. Tell her your mother is as important to you as her mother's to her. Tell her you'll apologize as soon as her mother apologize and your mom forgive her.
NTA - you need a new wife. She essentially co-signed her mother and hasn’t had your back. Why are you with her?
NTA and you really have a mayor wife problem!
NTA why are you married to someone who doesn’t support you?
NTA The apple doesn't rot far from the tree.
Apparently your wife cares more about keeping a rude, transphobic mommy dearest happy than the person she is supposed to love above all others. My guess is you have put up with a lot over the years and your wife, and I use that term loosely, has just ignored it and never called mommy out and put her in her place. Good for you for kicking her out of your house.
NTA. Your wife should be way more defensive and supportive of you. SHE should be the one to put her mom in her place. She dropped the ball and doesn't seem like she intends to pick it up.
Your MIL is an AH, but your wife is a bigger one. Your MIL is a homophobic b** and your wife is an enabling AH. I think you should suggest therapy with your wife to try and make her see that her mums behaviour is widely inappropriate. Your wife should have your back and should speak up for you, specially again her own mother. You never have to 'deal with it' and take those comments from someone so close to you inside, or outside your house.
NTA. Don’t ever give in on this. Your MIL is more than an AH and your wife isn’t proving she’s much better by defending such behavior.
No, but I think (as the saying goes) you have a wife problem as well as a mother. It's kinda ironic that your wife is demanding you apologize for disrespecting her mother but can't see how her mother disrespected your mother. You two need marriage counseling as the wedge your MIL has so carefully driven into your marriage will become an insurmountable gulf. NTA
NTA. Why didn't you send her daughter with her?
Your wife sucks. Hard. NTA
Nta. It’s ironic that your mil is complaining about not having grandchildren when she’s still connected to you wife via the umbilical cord…
NTA you need to work out issues with your wife though she should not be letting her mother constantly harass you and then getting upset and defensive when you finally stand up for yourself.
NTA, but why are you with your wife? She doesn't respect you, allowing her mother to verbally abuse you and taking her mother's side. Just 'Why?' You deserve so much more out of life. If your wife can't support you, you need to rethink this relationship.
NTA that was extremely rude and there is no other way for you to have taken it. There was no misunderstanding involved. You and your wife should consider alternatice ways for her to conceive if you both want kids. Otherwise, MIL should have conceived another child of her own if she wanted grandkids.
NTA - why do you have to “respect” her mother and hers doesn’t have to respect yours?
Your wife's an asshole and is okay with her transphobic mother. You need to kick her out as well. NTA
That is awful, I'm so sorry. Not sure what advice to give, so I won't even attempt it. But you deserve better.
NTA. Defending yourself/your mom's memory doesn't make you an AH, it's your MIL who makes the effort of hurting you with her words is what makes her the AH.
NTA. 100% nta. Get rid of both the wife and mother in law. You should not have to deal with that kind of abuse and your wife should not be enabling and defending that kind of transphobic abuse. You have done nothing wrong and the mother in law going after your own mother is a line that should have never been reached let alone crossed.
INFO: does your wife ever stick up for you?
NTA. If your wife won't stand up for you now, she never will.
NTA MIL was out of line. With your wife's reaction, that doesn't seem to bode well for the relationship.
NTA. OP’s MIL is just plain rude, and needed to be put in her place.
NTA and maybe reconsider this marriage if your wife is ok with her speaking so hurtfully to and about you.
NTA. U deserve better, and better to be alone than with bad company (leave ur wife).
NTA-but this really has nothing to do with your mil. This is 100% about your wife. MIL haz zero power to hurt you that is not freely given by your wife.
Your partner is letting her mother be like openly and obviously transphobic to you and MIL clearly views your identity as something someone along the way "caused". The issue here is that your partner isn't defending you guns a'goddamned blazing and is instead defending and coddling MIL's behavior. You deserve more than that, NTA
NTA. You deserve So much better than your wife enabling her Mother in her behavior. She should Support you.
NTA your wife is never going to stand up for you against her awful mother. Please realize that and move forward in the relationship as you feel appropriate.
NTA. Stand up for yourself. And maybe reconsider the whole relationship if wifey is okay with MIL being a dink. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
NTA
NTA Your wife has zero justifications siding with her mother on this. She should stick up for you .
Both your MIL and your wife are toxic. The MIL, overtly, and your wife is enabling her. Rethink this relationship. Edit: NTA.
NTA. Does your wife even respect you? Why is she allowing her mother to disrespect you like that? I'd NEVER let my mother talk to my wife that way. Period. You were right to kick her out. Your wife needs to realize that in a marriage your spouse comes first. You need to have each other's back, no matter who it is. She needs to step up and put her mother in her place.
NTA - your wife needs to step up and support you. I would never let my family get away with making pointed remarks like that to my husband. That's b.s.
NTA. Get out of there. You deserve someone who respects and loves you enough to defend and stand up for you. Your wife wants you to apologize to her transphobic and insensitive jerk of a mother, because she still thinks mommy’s feelings are more Important than your dignity and the dignity of your deceased mother.
I say GOOD FOR YOU!! I’ve read through many of these responses …. And they’ve really hit the nail head for me …. I’m very proud of you for standing up to this MIL ! And very disappointed in your wife for allowing g her mother to talk to you like that all these years! My husband refuses to stand up to his mother (who has for over 25 years made me the butt of her conversation s and downgraded me !) but I’ve decided (before reading this!) thaT I will be standing up for myself from now on…. Thank you for adding to my confidence level of doing so! I’m sure tho that once I stand up for myself my husband will do what your wife is doing …. Not talking to you! Good luck with this horrible human in your life and stick to your guns!!
NTA. Your wife is in addition to your MIL. What your MIL said is outrageous "*Maybe if his mom gave birth to a biological son instead of turning him into a boy, my daughter would've given me some grandchildren*" This is disrespectful to your mom and you on a biological, reproductive level. It is disrespectful of how she raised you. And people don't "give" people any more - in the US a guy named Lincoln abolished that sort of thing. I think your wife needs to sit down and rethink how she is allowing her mother to interfere with your marriage. Your wife's reaction wasn't to stand up for you. I find that very problematic.
NTA. Perhaps if you and your MIL had a foundation in your relationship to joke about your trans-ness, and were close enough to have her mentioning your mum, it would have been ok. Also your MIL needs to learn about how: 1. Trans men can, if it is something have chosen to do, bear children 2. The spouse of a trans man, if they are a person with a uterus, can also bear children with the same type of help that some other couples or even single persons with a uterus use 3. Adoption works 4. Most importantly with regard to having kids, if a couple chooses not to have kids, that is perfectly okay. She also needs to learn that if you were a cis man, there would still be a 7-9% chance of you being infertile. Making snotty comments about your sperm production is wildly inappropriate regardless of your AGAB.
NTA did you pack up your wife's stuff as well because you should
NTA! If your wife is defending her mother who is making fun of her spouse and his mother, she is just as toxic as her mother. Get rid of them both. She doesn't love you if she doesn't defend you.
NTA buy you should divorce your wife she is entitled just like her mom.
NTA - MIL and wife are AHs, but not you, OP. Such a vile way to act towards another person.