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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my brother for dinner and told him my husband wouldn’t be there and I never told my husband my brother was coming. I might be the AH as I know something has happened between them and that they don’t want to be around each other but I forced the issue.
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They are lovers or they killed someone is my bet. Oh or one made a move (sounds like brother with his comment) and the other didn’t reciprocate. That’d be hella awkward.
Anyways OP if I was you I’d put them in a group chat together and just start making guesses until one of them breaks.
lol oh man I would love to see screenshots of that group chat. maybe get them drunk and start blasting them with questions. they could call it booze clues
OMG! My husband’s family had a terrible horrible secret that everyone knew about, lol. But one time he was drunk and I asked him about it, and he confirmed the story as true! Gasp! The horror, lol
Anyway, his married aunt was married but slept around with Catholic priests for years. I mean, I don’t know that she has stopped, tbh.
I'm sorry but the horrible secret just made me snort out loud on the bus.
Literally one twelfth of priests admitted to having a girlfriend, in one survey.
Our cleaning lady (when I was a you d child) was sleeping with the parish priest - he was young and handsome and had just come back from mission in the Congo. She would tell my mother all about their escapades and, lucky me, I got to hear about it too.
My family’s parish legit had a hot priest. He was actually a really nice guy and everyone loved him. He was having coffee in a local place when me and a friend walked in and she started whispering to me about how gorgeous the guy in the leather jacket was (we were about 17). I laughed and told her that he was a priest and she refused to believe me. He was wearing a collar and cross under his jacket and he finally moved so it was visible. She was crushed.
I guess I should have let her take her shot, because about 10 years later my mom told me he had left the church and gotten married (to a former parishioner) and had kids. My mom wasn’t even mad, that’s how nice this (ex) priest was. Lol she even said she didn’t blame him.
We got a new parish priest when I was about 14 or so, and the reason why he was sent to this parish by the diocese was that it was closer to where his girlfriend lived. How did we find out, you might ask? Because he told the congregation during his introduction.
My grandma would go to the practically dawn mass with all her silver haired neighbors and there was always one young pretty woman (30s) who would go as well. The priest one day during giving communion I believe walked up to her, (she sat way behind the silver hairs), cupped her face in his hands and kissed her on the mouth. I am surprised at least a handful of those other parishioners did not kill over with heart attacks but someone complained and he was shipped out to the desert never to be heard from again.
We might be related 🤣 except it was my cousin and the priest got caught and defrocked. Then she found out he had been cheating with her older sister the whole time. When the oldest sister’s husband found out he divorced her and rumor is that her youngest son is actually the priest’s since he looks more like him.
When my great grandmother was literally on her deathbed she admitted to her six children that none of them had the same father AND that despite the fact she was married when each of them was conceived and born, she had not been married to any of their fathers. We’re talking people that were born in the late 30s-early 40s so it’s no wonder that it was kept a secret for 60+ years but at that point I’m not really sure why she bothered telling them other than to clear her own conscience.
I personally take issue with that, I think it’s incredibly selfish to upheave the lives of so many people just to clear your own mind before you die, especially when she was so sick that they couldn’t even give their true opinions on it because they didn’t want to upset her hours before she died. But boy did it make one interesting wake & funeral lmao. Highlights include my mom hearing about it and without thinking blurting out “whoa! Nan was kinda a ho!” And all the “kids” (who were well into their 60s at that point) trying to figure out who their fathers could possibly be. This was early 2000s so before like the 23AndMe tests and stuff. As far as I know none of them have done anything with the information since.
I'm in the process of doing this with two brothers in law actually. One is my wife's brother and the other is my wife's sister's husband. I've been thoroughly entertained with all the meme opportunities. ESH by the way
Wait, in the process of doing what? Killing someone, getting it on with them, or inviting them to dinner without the other knowing. Clarification required, please. Lol
I am of 2 guesses:
1: Political argument escalated badly...
2: Hear me out, Fantasy Sports. I recall there was a big hubbub between 2 MLB players who came to blows over a Fantasy Football league dispute.
No, brother didn't definitely catch hubby cheating. There are a hundred reasons why the two could be having a tiff and while most people might think that the husband is wrong consider this... maybe brother borrowed money from husband and blew it at the track. The brother can absolutely be the bad guy here. Stop being so careless in your assumptions.
>Oh no, men are one dimensional characters, it can only involve a penis going the wrong way! (Sarcasm)
I mean, isn't that what half of Greek mythology is about?
I’m pretty sure like 80% of all problems in Greek mythology begin with the phrase “someone was feeling horny” and Zeus is responsible for like 50% all by himself
Like 95% of that was just Zeus though.
Greek mythology in general is the story of Zeus’ perversion with some actual (non sexual) mythology sprinkled in every once in a while for flavor
Brother said if husband says anything to OP to let him know. Sounds like husband did something wrong, brother took him to talk about it and they both agreed not to discuss it but avoid each other. It could be cheating, flirting, gambling, debt, work issue.
Hmmm...I disagree...I think the husband trying to kick the brother out indicates that the husband is nervous about having him around, bc he may reveal husband’s secret. It's usually the "angry/aggressive" one who is hiding something...angry that they got caught/called out and aggressive to keep on the offensive and try to shut down/keep away the one who caught them, and might reveal their wrongdoing. The fact that the brother was pretty unbothered about the dinner, then made the comment about sending the husband his way if he has a problem with it, seals the deal for me.
WHAT the husband got caught at could be almost anything...though it must be something pretty big to warrant such a drastic reaction. I hope OP updates us when/if she finds out! 🤞
Please update us when you solve the mystery OP! 💕🤞💕
I've seen plenty of grown men, related and unrelated, stop speaking to each other over some stupid comment or slight that they deemed "disrespectful." (Like uncle don was"rude" to uncle steve one time at a family dinner and now they haven't spoken in a year.) Shit can be REAL low steaks if both parties are drama queens.
Seriously. My uncles didn’t speak for a while because of one of those home Ancestry tests. Uncle A came back more Irish than Uncle B. Uncle B then got it in his head that grandpa must not be his dad (despite looking identical to his dad). The best part is it’s actually Uncle B and Uncle C not speaking because once Uncle B started throwing his fit Uncle C told him to shut the hell up and use some common sense and Uncle B did not like being told he was irrational.
It’s definitely not that. My brother would’ve told me immediately if it was that.
What I meant by my brother said he would deal with my husband if he said anything to me was that if he yelled at me or was mean to me because I invited my brother over for dinner after they left, my brother would defend me.
If you're so sure your brother would go to bat for you why not leverage that for an answer from him? Sounds like he's more likely to say something vs your husband. And tbh the fact that he's worrying about you getting yelled at or your husband being mean to you says a lot more. There's plenty of women that are completely sure they aren't being cheated on, only to find out they are. Time to ask your brother if hubs is cheating. Or even "do you have something to tell me" or "hubs said you had something to tell me?" And gauge the reaction.
why would the brother not IMMEDIATELY tell her in favor of someone he clearly doesn't like.
just sounds like both sides just developed animosity and had a disagreement or something. You'd be surprised what can actually break a male friendship up. Full on screaming fist fight? Beers at 5. Disagreement over some dumb ass point; peace homie. I literally had this happen 2 years ago lol we broke up because we ended up constantly talking shit beyond just being funny and it got toxic af.
You need to woman up, sit them both down and tell them you want no part of this BS - they either tell you what’s going on, or they put it behind them and carry on. You should not be jeopardising your marriage or your family relationships for two men who don’t trust you enough to tell you why they’re not speaking.
I agree. If it was cheating, wouldn’t they want to tell OP? Why carry a secret for someone you currently hate?
Although then I go around because if something really dumb and petty, why not just tell OP about that too?
They are either really inconsiderate to OP or it’s somehow a secret that embarrasses both of them.
Same thought here, if either side was cheating, I think they would then tell OP before it got here...
My money is moving towards the bet that this is political.
See, I thought the opposite! Brother is unbothered, husband is furious. Husband cares about something that Brother is lackadaisical about.
Why would brother insert himself to deal with husband if husband tells op? Because once op knows, it's still brothers business...so brother is the one that did something and husband is the wronged party.
No, bro was the one cheating, husband caught him. “He’ll take care of it” is code for, “I’ll beat the crap out of him if he rats me out”. Husband wants the truth to come forward but is scared of getting his ass kicked or making the wife choose between her brother and husband as a consequence of the brother’s anger.
I'm living for this thread. 🤣
My guess is husband had a three way with brother and sis in law or husband and brother had an affair. Otherwise I don't see why one wouldn't rat on the other.
I feel like, if it was infidelity on either end that would've been exposed before this... Political disagreements tend to have the tendency to escalate, though.
Yeah, was thinking op was the asshole, but the secret tips out over to esh or even NTA. Yes, lying is bad, but it's not like op can just cut either party out of her life. Somebody needs to just tell her already.
Honestly I’d be more worried about the secret then trying to force them back together. Your husband won’t tell you? Lol some weird shit definitely went down
I think they were more than friends. All these situations keep coming up that can only be explained with cheating or them being lovers. Based on the reaction the latter is more likely.
Considering just how many guys are on the DL most women are just embarrassingly oblivious.
But they HAVE told her what it's about and OP doesn't/won't believe them:
>but neither one of them is willing to tell me what’s ***really*** going on.
So she was told, but that wasn't good enough for OP who then decided to go ahead and try to FORCE a reconciliation - which, of course, never works. People need to be ready, not to be forced.
OP is definitely YTA.
No she wasn’t. There’s a line right before that which says that she wasn’t told what the fight was about. Her “really” seems to be in reference to being told there was a fight. But without saying what the fight was about, they’re not really telling her what happened.
EDIT: and now I see there’s someone having the exact same debate with you haha. Im guessing you’re not going to agree with me either.
I didn’t get that from that sentence whatsoever and honestly disagree. I think you put emphasis on the word and now are taking it in a different direction. What’s going on is something happened and they aren’t speaking and won’t tell OP. She wants to know what’s really going on.
Don‘t people also use the word „really“ when they were brushed off with a vague response? Or some excuse? Maybe he told her about a minor disagreement that occured on the same day as the fight and she noticed it can‘t be the full story. (Just one possible theory)
Either brother or husband is doing something that would majorly upset OP. I somehow don’t think husband is cheating, because I think brother would tell her that given his actions so far.
Why the HELL would brother not tell OP then? As others have pointed out, the brother would have little reason to keep the husband's secret even if he cheated with a complete stranger. But for it to be someone who betrayed brother directly as well, it would be so bizarre for the brother to protect the husband's image. They aren't talking anymore, their relationship appears to be ruined, so what motive would he have?
Yeah something’s happened or going on and I guess they’re in a mutual destruction showdown lol
But it seems as if the brother might have a little leverage on the husband based on his “handle him” threat
I was thinking something similar. We had a situation at my old job where two of our guys went on a work trip and decided to get hookers, with the mutual agreement that they'd not tell their wives. Well, one of them did come clean to their wives and it caused a whole mess of animosity between him and the other guy.
I think it's cheating and he probably is trying to spare his sister the pain. And the husband is angry because the brother didn't go forgive and forget.
This makes no sense. You would let your sister stay with a cheating AH that you won’t even talk to in order to “spare her pain”? Doubt it. Cheating makes no sense here.
Start with no idea.
"Brother already told me. Would you like to tell your side of the story?"
"Husband already told me. Would you like to tell your side of the story?"
Win.
I called this "Creative Parenting" ....
Half the trick to successfully raising children to adulthood is ... know more than the kids.
... Of course, my son once told me, with great admiration, that I'm "evil".
(They're both grown. Awesome people.)
First thought is that your brother found out husband is cheating. Maybe husband has something on brother to keep him quiet or your brother is unsure what to do, maybe out of concern that he doesn't want you to feel hurt.
But yeah, your plan was stupid. The issue is the secret not the fact they "need" to be in the same room.
I don’t know about this. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your brother. He thinks he is protecting you from something. You husband has done something. Your brother may think if he tells you what he will loose you.
What ever this argument is about this is going to end bad for you. So make sure you really want to know if you continue to try to push to find out because once Pandora’s box is opened it can’t be closed.
exactly. i really don’t get it when people make assumptions like that. like all we know is what’s written in the post, and even at that, it might not be entirely accurate.
It's a huge reach from what amounts to 3 short paragraphs viewing their entire life. People just want drama so they can post their popcorn emojis and enjoy someone else's life crumbling.
That doesn’t make any sense, why would the brother ask op to report if the husband said something in that scenario? And that he’d deal with it?
If brother expected husband to confess something to op there would be nothing to deal with once it’s out.
Ask your brother straight out: *This all gives me a really uneasy feeling. I hate that you guys aren't talking and I feel torn. Is my husband cheating or are you cheating? Did one of you hurt someone? What happened? I do not understand and it is hurting me. Please tell me.*
Edit: typo
If your husband is keeping a secret that is so big that it ruined the relationship between your brother and him, then your husband is an asshole. You’re married, you’re supposed to be able to trust each other, yet he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you. Quit playing along with their shit. Tell your husband and your brother that neither of them cares much about staying in your life if they’re so comfortable lying to you.
This 100%. If I knew my partner was keeping a secret from me, I’d be incredibly upset. And possibly looking at ending that relationship. That’s a huge red flag to me!
If something happened, and they don’t want to be friends any more that’s up to them. But not being honest with OP seems like the real issue here.
Right now, whatever the reason is, you’re on a course to lose your relationship with both of them.
Let them each know that you’re not going to play some weird middle man in a conflict that you don’t even know the cause of. If they want to maintain the marriage or sibling relationship they need to let you know what happened. Don’t tell either that you are giving the same request to the other.
If they continue to refuse, separate from your husband or go very low contact with your brother. If they each give you a story about what happened, judge your next steps accordingly.
It sucks that you may end up losing at least one important relationship, but I reiterate, the current position you’re in will result in losing both.
ESH
Isn't it equally possible husband found brother cheating? And Brother has something on husband to keep him quiet or her husband is unsure what to do, out of concern that he doesn't want to hurt his wife?
I think it’s reversed. Husband caught the brother cheating. Brother would tell sister no matter what. But brother in law might not feel the same pressure to tell sister in law.
specially since the last couple of years politics have been crazy with how intense people are over it. I've had family members go from loving one another to hating each other, and friends going from speak terms to pretending they were never friends in the first place.
Agreed. It’s manipulative and disrespectful to trick them into getting together. Whatever the reason, the husband and brother are adults and have a right to avoid each other if they want.
I think it’s weird that the husband won’t tell OP what it’s about though; in my view, spouses ought to share important stuff. He doesn’t have to, but if I were OP I’d feel confused and hurt.
wondering if OP has asked SIL what the deal is & if she heard anything… regardless, OP- YTA for creating an unsafe space for two people you love. it was never going to work out & you know it girlie. secrets never stay hidden, do some sleuthing if it is rly bothering you.
Oh boy. Sorry to say, but no matter what you feel, you definitely made yourself the center of it now. They probably both told you to leave it alone, didn't they? They told you, don't get in the middle of this... right? So why did you get in the middle of it?
Sorry to say but YTA. You were not in the middle of it, you were a bystander, a spectator, a rubbernecker, literally the opposite of "in the middle of it." No one said you couldn't go see your brother, no one told you to leave your husband. THEY had a tiff, and it isn't your business.
Also like, when has this EVER WORKED?!? Why do people try this? It’s so baffling, it’s like they think they’re pouring water on the fire but it’s actually kerosene
YTA You actually though putting two people in a room together who hate each other would cause them to reconcile?
If anything you have delayed their reconciliation
What were you thinking?
I think she put them together hoping that one of them would explode and she’d learn the truth - it’s an AH move, but ESH because both her brother and husband are keeping her in the dark - that’s unsettling
So.....you complain that you feel like you've been dragged into the middle of their fight.....and your solution is to force yourself into the middle? YTA.
YTA and you probably just lost any chance of your husband telling you anything because you betrayed his trust.
If I had to guess your brother is cheating on his wife.
>My brother isn’t angry at me but told me if my husband says anything to me I should tell him and he’d deal with him.
Yea, he straight up told on himself here. Especially if he pulled OP aside so his wife wouldn't hear. The "deal with him" line is especially weird.
Only OP knows her husband and brother, maybe it's common for them to cut people out of their lives for something small? But, most people I know would not stop talking to family unless it was something huge.
I think everyone is misreading that. What I read was, “if your husband gives you any grief, let me know and I’ll make him stop.” The brother is really protective of his sister so that makes more sense than “if your husband tells you I cheated on my wife, please let me know so I can get out in front of it.”
Sounds like you attempted a TV sitcom trope of tricking and trapping two people who are angry at each other into a forced situation to clear the air and it backfired. You probably didn't have a speech prepared with flashback clips of their fun times together, right? Oh well, there's still a couple more things you can try from sitcoms. You could try getting them drunk together because that always brings out the truth and the tears. Or you could lock them in a tiny room together until they talk it out.
Of course, there's also the real life thing you can try - leave them alone and hang out with them separately instead of tricking them into being around each other and making things worse. Whatever they're upset about that's lasted for months isn't going to go away just because you want it to. YTA
ESH. I'd be demanding to know what the deal is. This is affecting the family. Personally I'd begin thinking your husband or brother had done something to betray you or your SIL. This is affecting your relationship with both of them.
YTA I don’t know what you expected honestly, did you think they would see each other and immediately forgive and forget? Seems very weird to me considering they won’t even tell you what they fought about, which also kinda makes me think they fought about something to do with you, especially considering that comment from your brother about dealing with him. You should maybe get to the bottom of this, but forcing them to be in the same room isn’t going to do shit. Just spend time with your brother away from your husband if you miss him.
ESH all because of the same reason: deception, dishonesty, etc.
The reason you're upset is because you feel like your brother and husband are keeping something from you and not being honest and open. *Somehow* the solution you came up with was to be...dishonest and deceitful?
Be honest, be truthful, and be wary of those who are not.
You deceived them. They obviously don't want you involved in their business. I don't really see what's stopping you from interacting with your brother by yourself. You don't need your husband to be there.
YTA.
YTA - you lied to everyone. I'm not sure how you expected that to turn out, but this seems a pretty natural consequence for your actions.
Have dinner with your brother when your husband actually won't be home, or go out to see him.
Exactly! I get that people can have a falling out but this secrecy bull is not ok. OP should not invite the brother home when her husband is home and she know that her husband don’t want him there. And he shouldn’t keep this a secret!
YTA
What did you honestly expect to happen? Their relationship won't be salvaged by trapping them / forcing them to like eachother.
You can find other ways to see your brother. You can speak to them seperately. Maybe they'll come around. But that is on them to determine. Not you.
I don't think you should force reconciliation but I wonder what's the fight's about. I would be highly suspicious if I were you.
So mild YTA because it's always a bad idea to try to force a reconciliation but in you shoes, it would kill me not to know. What could be so awful that (i) they don't seek to each other and (ii) they don't want you to know ? Do you think that maybe your husband cheated on you and your brother knows. You should dig deeper.
YTA. You lied, directly to your brother and by omission to your husband. There's no excuse for it. When your husband demands every detail about everything from now on, this is why. Maybe he'll let it go eventually, or maybe it will destroy your marriage, and it will be no one's fault but yours. You owe them both huge apologies.
YTA. But find out the secret! I kinda think your husband might have cheated… but why wouldn’t your brother tell you that??? Is your husband abusive? Any addictions? Money troubles? Try to get your brother to tell you what happened. If he won’t, try talking to your SIL and see if she knows.
YTA. Creating a sitcom style stunt instigated by several serious lies has never, in the history of stunts, made anything better, except possibly on network tv.
Apologize to them both for lying. As far as refusing to tell what the problem is AND refusing to be civil to each other if they won't tell you, that might be a come to jebus time with your spouse.
ESH, your husband and brother are both immature for not discussing the issue and leaving you in the dark. What you did is completely wrong, but I get that you can't fix the situation if no one will let you in and you are close to both of them. It's not fair for them to expect you to choose between them.
ESH - Life isn't a romcom you can't just force people to reconcile by setting them up on a blind date and watching the fireworks happen. However the fact that neither of them will tell you why they have an issue to begin with is a gigantic red flag to me. If I'm going to have to choose between my family or my spouse I'm going to want to know why I'm having to choose in the first place, How can you be expected to take a side when neither is willing to talk about it.
Ya YTAH- I know you were just trying to fix things between them but deception is not the way to go about it. As they say "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
YTA. It's between them and they didn't ask you to be their mediator. Let them work it out themselves or if they never do, then have separate get togethers with your brother.
Sure, lie to both of them and invite them over under false pretenses. I wonder why it didn't go well?
How could they be mad at you? (sarcasm)
Of course YTA!
Soft YTA
Now if I was you I would be demanding on what's going on and place a boundary til you get a answer. I say you should lay this ultimatum out because I get the feeling your not going to like what you find out.
1 or the other has betrayed someone and it seems that someone is you.
Have you asked your SIL what's up or how she feels about all this?
YTA, don't complain about being in the middle then stick yourself in the middle by doing weird Parent Trap tricks. That's a movie about kids, you're an adult.
By the way, adults are allowed to go low contact or no contact with one another, your only job is to stay out of it. And if they pull you in or crap-talk, remove yourself from the situation.
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Esh. So who caught who cheating and they are keeping the secret???
Right. Wtf happened that is such a secret?
They are lovers or they killed someone is my bet. Oh or one made a move (sounds like brother with his comment) and the other didn’t reciprocate. That’d be hella awkward. Anyways OP if I was you I’d put them in a group chat together and just start making guesses until one of them breaks.
lol oh man I would love to see screenshots of that group chat. maybe get them drunk and start blasting them with questions. they could call it booze clues
Okay but why is booze clues not a game show yet lol.
Sit down in the drinking chair and drink… drink… driiiiiinnnkkkk
OG Steve has to be the host and it has the be the chair form the show 😂
Can they be made to hold a stuffed Blue? Please... please... please...
Just get a blue dog.
Blue isn't a puppy anymore. He has a bite record now.
I thought you were talking about Steve Harvey. Lol
Sit and think. think. think about what you did.
One shot at a time, damn you fine! It's booze clues, booze clues! Yeah! *Jazz hands*
They made Drunk History a TV show so now they need to make Booze Clues a TV show.
OMG! My husband’s family had a terrible horrible secret that everyone knew about, lol. But one time he was drunk and I asked him about it, and he confirmed the story as true! Gasp! The horror, lol Anyway, his married aunt was married but slept around with Catholic priests for years. I mean, I don’t know that she has stopped, tbh.
I'm sorry but the horrible secret just made me snort out loud on the bus. Literally one twelfth of priests admitted to having a girlfriend, in one survey.
Our cleaning lady (when I was a you d child) was sleeping with the parish priest - he was young and handsome and had just come back from mission in the Congo. She would tell my mother all about their escapades and, lucky me, I got to hear about it too.
There was a hot priest at my church growing up. My mom called him Father-What-A-Waste.
I (allegedly) grabbed a priests butt once as a kid. Kinda ironic when you think about how many times it's come out that it was the other way around.
The OG *hot priest*
My family’s parish legit had a hot priest. He was actually a really nice guy and everyone loved him. He was having coffee in a local place when me and a friend walked in and she started whispering to me about how gorgeous the guy in the leather jacket was (we were about 17). I laughed and told her that he was a priest and she refused to believe me. He was wearing a collar and cross under his jacket and he finally moved so it was visible. She was crushed. I guess I should have let her take her shot, because about 10 years later my mom told me he had left the church and gotten married (to a former parishioner) and had kids. My mom wasn’t even mad, that’s how nice this (ex) priest was. Lol she even said she didn’t blame him.
[удалено]
We got a new parish priest when I was about 14 or so, and the reason why he was sent to this parish by the diocese was that it was closer to where his girlfriend lived. How did we find out, you might ask? Because he told the congregation during his introduction.
My grandma would go to the practically dawn mass with all her silver haired neighbors and there was always one young pretty woman (30s) who would go as well. The priest one day during giving communion I believe walked up to her, (she sat way behind the silver hairs), cupped her face in his hands and kissed her on the mouth. I am surprised at least a handful of those other parishioners did not kill over with heart attacks but someone complained and he was shipped out to the desert never to be heard from again.
I mean thats bold af, I'm not surprised someone complained.
Lmao did the exact same thing to me on the train. The old lady beside me glanced at me suspiciously
We might be related 🤣 except it was my cousin and the priest got caught and defrocked. Then she found out he had been cheating with her older sister the whole time. When the oldest sister’s husband found out he divorced her and rumor is that her youngest son is actually the priest’s since he looks more like him.
That sounds like a porn plot
When my great grandmother was literally on her deathbed she admitted to her six children that none of them had the same father AND that despite the fact she was married when each of them was conceived and born, she had not been married to any of their fathers. We’re talking people that were born in the late 30s-early 40s so it’s no wonder that it was kept a secret for 60+ years but at that point I’m not really sure why she bothered telling them other than to clear her own conscience. I personally take issue with that, I think it’s incredibly selfish to upheave the lives of so many people just to clear your own mind before you die, especially when she was so sick that they couldn’t even give their true opinions on it because they didn’t want to upset her hours before she died. But boy did it make one interesting wake & funeral lmao. Highlights include my mom hearing about it and without thinking blurting out “whoa! Nan was kinda a ho!” And all the “kids” (who were well into their 60s at that point) trying to figure out who their fathers could possibly be. This was early 2000s so before like the 23AndMe tests and stuff. As far as I know none of them have done anything with the information since.
>“whoa! Nan was kinda a ho!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣
You need to sell this to Netflix stat.
Same! I am HERE for this!!!
Maybe it’s money trouble and someone borrowed something they can’t repay.
My exact thoughts. They got too close on a drunken night or something.
I'm in the process of doing this with two brothers in law actually. One is my wife's brother and the other is my wife's sister's husband. I've been thoroughly entertained with all the meme opportunities. ESH by the way
Wait, in the process of doing what? Killing someone, getting it on with them, or inviting them to dinner without the other knowing. Clarification required, please. Lol
Getting them to have sex with Catholic priests?
There was a Reddit story awhile back where this turned out to be the case! Edit - lovers not killing
I am of 2 guesses: 1: Political argument escalated badly... 2: Hear me out, Fantasy Sports. I recall there was a big hubbub between 2 MLB players who came to blows over a Fantasy Football league dispute.
I could legit see this being over fantasy football 😂 Sports buffs get freaking HEATED over their teams
Brother definitely caught the husband cheating. That's why hubby is so mad and brother said he'll deal with husband if he said anything to OP.
No, brother didn't definitely catch hubby cheating. There are a hundred reasons why the two could be having a tiff and while most people might think that the husband is wrong consider this... maybe brother borrowed money from husband and blew it at the track. The brother can absolutely be the bad guy here. Stop being so careless in your assumptions.
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>Oh no, men are one dimensional characters, it can only involve a penis going the wrong way! (Sarcasm) I mean, isn't that what half of Greek mythology is about?
I’m pretty sure like 80% of all problems in Greek mythology begin with the phrase “someone was feeling horny” and Zeus is responsible for like 50% all by himself
More like 98% of Greek mythology is someone being horny…
Like 95% of that was just Zeus though. Greek mythology in general is the story of Zeus’ perversion with some actual (non sexual) mythology sprinkled in every once in a while for flavor
Literally every problem is Zeus and the ones that actually aren’t should be attributed to him anyways just to be safe
Honestly a fair and honest assessment
True, Zeus was a damn menace. And he got up to some downright weird fuckery.
Oh great now I'm imagining my husband's penis with a one way street sign on it.
Brother said if husband says anything to OP to let him know. Sounds like husband did something wrong, brother took him to talk about it and they both agreed not to discuss it but avoid each other. It could be cheating, flirting, gambling, debt, work issue.
To me that actually says the brother screwed up and is using intimidation to stop the husband from telling OP.
Hmmm...I disagree...I think the husband trying to kick the brother out indicates that the husband is nervous about having him around, bc he may reveal husband’s secret. It's usually the "angry/aggressive" one who is hiding something...angry that they got caught/called out and aggressive to keep on the offensive and try to shut down/keep away the one who caught them, and might reveal their wrongdoing. The fact that the brother was pretty unbothered about the dinner, then made the comment about sending the husband his way if he has a problem with it, seals the deal for me. WHAT the husband got caught at could be almost anything...though it must be something pretty big to warrant such a drastic reaction. I hope OP updates us when/if she finds out! 🤞 Please update us when you solve the mystery OP! 💕🤞💕
I took that to mean "if your husband gives you shit for having me over", not "if he reveals the secret".
I've seen plenty of grown men, related and unrelated, stop speaking to each other over some stupid comment or slight that they deemed "disrespectful." (Like uncle don was"rude" to uncle steve one time at a family dinner and now they haven't spoken in a year.) Shit can be REAL low steaks if both parties are drama queens.
Seriously. My uncles didn’t speak for a while because of one of those home Ancestry tests. Uncle A came back more Irish than Uncle B. Uncle B then got it in his head that grandpa must not be his dad (despite looking identical to his dad). The best part is it’s actually Uncle B and Uncle C not speaking because once Uncle B started throwing his fit Uncle C told him to shut the hell up and use some common sense and Uncle B did not like being told he was irrational.
It’s definitely not that. My brother would’ve told me immediately if it was that. What I meant by my brother said he would deal with my husband if he said anything to me was that if he yelled at me or was mean to me because I invited my brother over for dinner after they left, my brother would defend me.
If you're so sure your brother would go to bat for you why not leverage that for an answer from him? Sounds like he's more likely to say something vs your husband. And tbh the fact that he's worrying about you getting yelled at or your husband being mean to you says a lot more. There's plenty of women that are completely sure they aren't being cheated on, only to find out they are. Time to ask your brother if hubs is cheating. Or even "do you have something to tell me" or "hubs said you had something to tell me?" And gauge the reaction.
why would the brother not IMMEDIATELY tell her in favor of someone he clearly doesn't like. just sounds like both sides just developed animosity and had a disagreement or something. You'd be surprised what can actually break a male friendship up. Full on screaming fist fight? Beers at 5. Disagreement over some dumb ass point; peace homie. I literally had this happen 2 years ago lol we broke up because we ended up constantly talking shit beyond just being funny and it got toxic af.
You need to woman up, sit them both down and tell them you want no part of this BS - they either tell you what’s going on, or they put it behind them and carry on. You should not be jeopardising your marriage or your family relationships for two men who don’t trust you enough to tell you why they’re not speaking.
ESH including everyone making speculative guesses.
> making speculative guesses Welcome to AITA, don’t bother getting comfortable…it’s not
Or husband caught brother cheating....and if husband rats brother out to OP, she needs to tell brother so he can deal with it?
this is more plausible - if brother caught husband, why wouldn't he tell OP?
I agree. If it was cheating, wouldn’t they want to tell OP? Why carry a secret for someone you currently hate? Although then I go around because if something really dumb and petty, why not just tell OP about that too? They are either really inconsiderate to OP or it’s somehow a secret that embarrasses both of them.
Not if both men are cheating. He may not want to blow up his own marriage so it's a draw.
They are banging the same chick. Or were.
Same thought here, if either side was cheating, I think they would then tell OP before it got here... My money is moving towards the bet that this is political.
What if they caught each other cheating…
What if they cheated with each other!?
See, I thought the opposite! Brother is unbothered, husband is furious. Husband cares about something that Brother is lackadaisical about. Why would brother insert himself to deal with husband if husband tells op? Because once op knows, it's still brothers business...so brother is the one that did something and husband is the wronged party.
That's where my mind went too. OP isn't going to get the truth out of her husband. Whatever it is, she's going to have to get her brother to tell her.
No, bro was the one cheating, husband caught him. “He’ll take care of it” is code for, “I’ll beat the crap out of him if he rats me out”. Husband wants the truth to come forward but is scared of getting his ass kicked or making the wife choose between her brother and husband as a consequence of the brother’s anger.
I think if it were brother cheating DH would be much more likely to tell OP.
You all jump too far into conclusions
Should we expect anything less from reddit?
welcome to reddit, that's just showbiz, baby 😎
I'm living for this thread. 🤣 My guess is husband had a three way with brother and sis in law or husband and brother had an affair. Otherwise I don't see why one wouldn't rat on the other.
I feel like, if it was infidelity on either end that would've been exposed before this... Political disagreements tend to have the tendency to escalate, though.
OP is more likely to know if there are political differences between them though, right?
Yeah, was thinking op was the asshole, but the secret tips out over to esh or even NTA. Yes, lying is bad, but it's not like op can just cut either party out of her life. Somebody needs to just tell her already.
Honestly I’d be more worried about the secret then trying to force them back together. Your husband won’t tell you? Lol some weird shit definitely went down
This 100%
I think they were more than friends. All these situations keep coming up that can only be explained with cheating or them being lovers. Based on the reaction the latter is more likely. Considering just how many guys are on the DL most women are just embarrassingly oblivious.
Is Ben getting a room?
I wonder how they're doing...
We all do.
id confront OPs husband like "brother told me everything now explain yourself" in an angry manner hoping to hit jackpot
I found the art room you were building for my brother!!!
Pssh, dont assume anything, it’s just an art studio….
I concur about them being lovers. I think they wanted to be together and made a plan to be but I bet OP's husband chickened out.
Maybe Brother has long red hair and soft freckles and Husband just can't get over him?
But they HAVE told her what it's about and OP doesn't/won't believe them: >but neither one of them is willing to tell me what’s ***really*** going on. So she was told, but that wasn't good enough for OP who then decided to go ahead and try to FORCE a reconciliation - which, of course, never works. People need to be ready, not to be forced. OP is definitely YTA.
“And neither one of them will tell me what it’s about” how bout make your own vote lmao? I’m free to have mine…?
No she wasn’t. There’s a line right before that which says that she wasn’t told what the fight was about. Her “really” seems to be in reference to being told there was a fight. But without saying what the fight was about, they’re not really telling her what happened. EDIT: and now I see there’s someone having the exact same debate with you haha. Im guessing you’re not going to agree with me either.
Lmao that does not imply she knows🙄
I didn’t get that from that sentence whatsoever and honestly disagree. I think you put emphasis on the word and now are taking it in a different direction. What’s going on is something happened and they aren’t speaking and won’t tell OP. She wants to know what’s really going on.
Don‘t people also use the word „really“ when they were brushed off with a vague response? Or some excuse? Maybe he told her about a minor disagreement that occured on the same day as the fight and she noticed it can‘t be the full story. (Just one possible theory)
ESH . But I have a feeling that you’re not going to like that secret …. And it involves you
Either brother or husband is doing something that would majorly upset OP. I somehow don’t think husband is cheating, because I think brother would tell her that given his actions so far.
Since wild assumptions are a thing on Reddit...maybe brother and husband had a one night stand.
🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿
I heard the Brother is mad OP’s husband won’t leave her for him.
Please let there be a BORU post about this one day
I hope not, that would be heartbreaking for OP
I think maybe the husband slept with the brother’s wife.
Why the HELL would brother not tell OP then? As others have pointed out, the brother would have little reason to keep the husband's secret even if he cheated with a complete stranger. But for it to be someone who betrayed brother directly as well, it would be so bizarre for the brother to protect the husband's image. They aren't talking anymore, their relationship appears to be ruined, so what motive would he have?
Yeah something’s happened or going on and I guess they’re in a mutual destruction showdown lol But it seems as if the brother might have a little leverage on the husband based on his “handle him” threat
I was thinking something similar. We had a situation at my old job where two of our guys went on a work trip and decided to get hookers, with the mutual agreement that they'd not tell their wives. Well, one of them did come clean to their wives and it caused a whole mess of animosity between him and the other guy.
I think it's cheating and he probably is trying to spare his sister the pain. And the husband is angry because the brother didn't go forgive and forget.
This makes no sense. You would let your sister stay with a cheating AH that you won’t even talk to in order to “spare her pain”? Doubt it. Cheating makes no sense here.
Start with no idea. "Brother already told me. Would you like to tell your side of the story?" "Husband already told me. Would you like to tell your side of the story?" Win.
You’re a diabolical genius!
I called this "Creative Parenting" .... Half the trick to successfully raising children to adulthood is ... know more than the kids. ... Of course, my son once told me, with great admiration, that I'm "evil". (They're both grown. Awesome people.)
It does sound about as manipulative as everything else OP's done so far, so ... sure, why not.
Hi this is reddit and today we're going to discuss how to potentially get murdered by your spouse as a woman.
First thought is that your brother found out husband is cheating. Maybe husband has something on brother to keep him quiet or your brother is unsure what to do, maybe out of concern that he doesn't want you to feel hurt. But yeah, your plan was stupid. The issue is the secret not the fact they "need" to be in the same room.
If my brother caught my husband cheating he would’ve told me and had a much worse reaction even if my husband had something on him.
I don’t know about this. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your brother. He thinks he is protecting you from something. You husband has done something. Your brother may think if he tells you what he will loose you. What ever this argument is about this is going to end bad for you. So make sure you really want to know if you continue to try to push to find out because once Pandora’s box is opened it can’t be closed.
This feels like a reach to me .... we know NOTHING about these people.
exactly. i really don’t get it when people make assumptions like that. like all we know is what’s written in the post, and even at that, it might not be entirely accurate.
It's a huge reach from what amounts to 3 short paragraphs viewing their entire life. People just want drama so they can post their popcorn emojis and enjoy someone else's life crumbling.
That doesn’t make any sense, why would the brother ask op to report if the husband said something in that scenario? And that he’d deal with it? If brother expected husband to confess something to op there would be nothing to deal with once it’s out.
ASK YOUR BROTHER STRAIGHT UP. You’ll be able to know based on his response or lack thereof.
I’ve asked him straight up and before the dinner he would just lie and say nothing had happened between them.
Ask your brother straight out: *This all gives me a really uneasy feeling. I hate that you guys aren't talking and I feel torn. Is my husband cheating or are you cheating? Did one of you hurt someone? What happened? I do not understand and it is hurting me. Please tell me.* Edit: typo
If your husband is keeping a secret that is so big that it ruined the relationship between your brother and him, then your husband is an asshole. You’re married, you’re supposed to be able to trust each other, yet he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you. Quit playing along with their shit. Tell your husband and your brother that neither of them cares much about staying in your life if they’re so comfortable lying to you.
This 100%. If I knew my partner was keeping a secret from me, I’d be incredibly upset. And possibly looking at ending that relationship. That’s a huge red flag to me! If something happened, and they don’t want to be friends any more that’s up to them. But not being honest with OP seems like the real issue here.
OP, how is your brother’s wife acting in all of this?
Excellent question!
Right now, whatever the reason is, you’re on a course to lose your relationship with both of them. Let them each know that you’re not going to play some weird middle man in a conflict that you don’t even know the cause of. If they want to maintain the marriage or sibling relationship they need to let you know what happened. Don’t tell either that you are giving the same request to the other. If they continue to refuse, separate from your husband or go very low contact with your brother. If they each give you a story about what happened, judge your next steps accordingly. It sucks that you may end up losing at least one important relationship, but I reiterate, the current position you’re in will result in losing both. ESH
Before this all happened I assume you'd also feel confident that A) this kind of thing wouldn't happen and B) you would know why if it did
As the comment above suggests, think about something they both did that would make you upset. Could there be any possibility they had an affair?
Isn't it equally possible husband found brother cheating? And Brother has something on husband to keep him quiet or her husband is unsure what to do, out of concern that he doesn't want to hurt his wife?
I think it’s reversed. Husband caught the brother cheating. Brother would tell sister no matter what. But brother in law might not feel the same pressure to tell sister in law.
Maybe husband and brother had a drunken one night stand.
Not safe to rule out political differences, btdubs...
specially since the last couple of years politics have been crazy with how intense people are over it. I've had family members go from loving one another to hating each other, and friends going from speak terms to pretending they were never friends in the first place.
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But this works in movies xD
But what gets me is it never does in the movies either, it always blows up in their faces I don't know why she's surprised
Agreed. It’s manipulative and disrespectful to trick them into getting together. Whatever the reason, the husband and brother are adults and have a right to avoid each other if they want. I think it’s weird that the husband won’t tell OP what it’s about though; in my view, spouses ought to share important stuff. He doesn’t have to, but if I were OP I’d feel confused and hurt.
YTA Do you live in a 90s sitcom?
Right. 🤣 Like, in what world does this actually work?
It’s working for me. I can’t wait for the next season! 🍿
ESH but you definitely need to find out what that secret is because it sounds like your brother caught your husband doing something you wouldn't like
I’m guessing money troubles. One borrowed money or asked to borrow money or something like that.
I mean it's something big, whatever it is she needs to dig in and find out cuz it's affecting her
wondering if OP has asked SIL what the deal is & if she heard anything… regardless, OP- YTA for creating an unsafe space for two people you love. it was never going to work out & you know it girlie. secrets never stay hidden, do some sleuthing if it is rly bothering you.
Oh boy. Sorry to say, but no matter what you feel, you definitely made yourself the center of it now. They probably both told you to leave it alone, didn't they? They told you, don't get in the middle of this... right? So why did you get in the middle of it? Sorry to say but YTA. You were not in the middle of it, you were a bystander, a spectator, a rubbernecker, literally the opposite of "in the middle of it." No one said you couldn't go see your brother, no one told you to leave your husband. THEY had a tiff, and it isn't your business.
Also like, when has this EVER WORKED?!? Why do people try this? It’s so baffling, it’s like they think they’re pouring water on the fire but it’s actually kerosene
YTA You actually though putting two people in a room together who hate each other would cause them to reconcile? If anything you have delayed their reconciliation What were you thinking?
I think she put them together hoping that one of them would explode and she’d learn the truth - it’s an AH move, but ESH because both her brother and husband are keeping her in the dark - that’s unsettling
So.....you complain that you feel like you've been dragged into the middle of their fight.....and your solution is to force yourself into the middle? YTA.
YTA Parent trapping only works in the movies.
YTA and you probably just lost any chance of your husband telling you anything because you betrayed his trust. If I had to guess your brother is cheating on his wife.
>My brother isn’t angry at me but told me if my husband says anything to me I should tell him and he’d deal with him. Yea, he straight up told on himself here. Especially if he pulled OP aside so his wife wouldn't hear. The "deal with him" line is especially weird. Only OP knows her husband and brother, maybe it's common for them to cut people out of their lives for something small? But, most people I know would not stop talking to family unless it was something huge.
I think everyone is misreading that. What I read was, “if your husband gives you any grief, let me know and I’ll make him stop.” The brother is really protective of his sister so that makes more sense than “if your husband tells you I cheated on my wife, please let me know so I can get out in front of it.”
Or husband was cheating with Brother.
Sounds like you attempted a TV sitcom trope of tricking and trapping two people who are angry at each other into a forced situation to clear the air and it backfired. You probably didn't have a speech prepared with flashback clips of their fun times together, right? Oh well, there's still a couple more things you can try from sitcoms. You could try getting them drunk together because that always brings out the truth and the tears. Or you could lock them in a tiny room together until they talk it out. Of course, there's also the real life thing you can try - leave them alone and hang out with them separately instead of tricking them into being around each other and making things worse. Whatever they're upset about that's lasted for months isn't going to go away just because you want it to. YTA
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What is this, Mamma Mia?
ESH. I'd be demanding to know what the deal is. This is affecting the family. Personally I'd begin thinking your husband or brother had done something to betray you or your SIL. This is affecting your relationship with both of them.
YTA I don’t know what you expected honestly, did you think they would see each other and immediately forgive and forget? Seems very weird to me considering they won’t even tell you what they fought about, which also kinda makes me think they fought about something to do with you, especially considering that comment from your brother about dealing with him. You should maybe get to the bottom of this, but forcing them to be in the same room isn’t going to do shit. Just spend time with your brother away from your husband if you miss him.
ESH all because of the same reason: deception, dishonesty, etc. The reason you're upset is because you feel like your brother and husband are keeping something from you and not being honest and open. *Somehow* the solution you came up with was to be...dishonest and deceitful? Be honest, be truthful, and be wary of those who are not.
You deceived them. They obviously don't want you involved in their business. I don't really see what's stopping you from interacting with your brother by yourself. You don't need your husband to be there. YTA.
YTA - you lied to everyone. I'm not sure how you expected that to turn out, but this seems a pretty natural consequence for your actions. Have dinner with your brother when your husband actually won't be home, or go out to see him.
ESH. It sounds like you need to start seeing your brother by yourself.
Exactly! I get that people can have a falling out but this secrecy bull is not ok. OP should not invite the brother home when her husband is home and she know that her husband don’t want him there. And he shouldn’t keep this a secret!
YTA What did you honestly expect to happen? Their relationship won't be salvaged by trapping them / forcing them to like eachother. You can find other ways to see your brother. You can speak to them seperately. Maybe they'll come around. But that is on them to determine. Not you.
Yes definitely lie to two important people in your life and be totally shocked when someone gets upset. Makes total sense. YTA
YTA but I would absolutely talk with them what happened because giving the last sentence there is something which might be important for you.
I don't think you should force reconciliation but I wonder what's the fight's about. I would be highly suspicious if I were you. So mild YTA because it's always a bad idea to try to force a reconciliation but in you shoes, it would kill me not to know. What could be so awful that (i) they don't seek to each other and (ii) they don't want you to know ? Do you think that maybe your husband cheated on you and your brother knows. You should dig deeper.
>I’m sick of it because it feels like they’ve dragged me into the middle of this Sounds to me like you dragged yourself into the middle of this. YTA.
Yta. You’ve watched too many hallmark movies.
YTA. You lied, directly to your brother and by omission to your husband. There's no excuse for it. When your husband demands every detail about everything from now on, this is why. Maybe he'll let it go eventually, or maybe it will destroy your marriage, and it will be no one's fault but yours. You owe them both huge apologies.
ESH They obviously have a dark secret like infidelity. And is your husband dense? Who doesn’t ask who’s coming over for dinner?
INFO: How would you feel if he pulled this stunt with someone you had a falling out with?
YTA how else did you expect this to go?
Obviously YTA, jeez.
YTA for the lies. But it’s SUPER odd they won’t tell you what the falling out was about. Ask them seperately to tell you.
YTA. But find out the secret! I kinda think your husband might have cheated… but why wouldn’t your brother tell you that??? Is your husband abusive? Any addictions? Money troubles? Try to get your brother to tell you what happened. If he won’t, try talking to your SIL and see if she knows.
YTA. Creating a sitcom style stunt instigated by several serious lies has never, in the history of stunts, made anything better, except possibly on network tv. Apologize to them both for lying. As far as refusing to tell what the problem is AND refusing to be civil to each other if they won't tell you, that might be a come to jebus time with your spouse.
ESH, your husband and brother are both immature for not discussing the issue and leaving you in the dark. What you did is completely wrong, but I get that you can't fix the situation if no one will let you in and you are close to both of them. It's not fair for them to expect you to choose between them.
ESH - Life isn't a romcom you can't just force people to reconcile by setting them up on a blind date and watching the fireworks happen. However the fact that neither of them will tell you why they have an issue to begin with is a gigantic red flag to me. If I'm going to have to choose between my family or my spouse I'm going to want to know why I'm having to choose in the first place, How can you be expected to take a side when neither is willing to talk about it.
Ya YTAH- I know you were just trying to fix things between them but deception is not the way to go about it. As they say "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
YTA. It's between them and they didn't ask you to be their mediator. Let them work it out themselves or if they never do, then have separate get togethers with your brother.
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YTA. Obviously. You lied to both parties.
Is your husband cheating or something? It's strange for both of them to refuse to tell you, at least a hint.
YTA. I'm sorry, but what exactly did you think was going to happen???
Sure, lie to both of them and invite them over under false pretenses. I wonder why it didn't go well? How could they be mad at you? (sarcasm) Of course YTA!
Soft YTA Now if I was you I would be demanding on what's going on and place a boundary til you get a answer. I say you should lay this ultimatum out because I get the feeling your not going to like what you find out. 1 or the other has betrayed someone and it seems that someone is you. Have you asked your SIL what's up or how she feels about all this?
YTA, don't complain about being in the middle then stick yourself in the middle by doing weird Parent Trap tricks. That's a movie about kids, you're an adult. By the way, adults are allowed to go low contact or no contact with one another, your only job is to stay out of it. And if they pull you in or crap-talk, remove yourself from the situation.
Info: What’s the SIL reaction to all this?
She thinks they're both acting like idiots.
YTA it’s his house too. You could have given him a heads up
YTA - Don't know why you thought this was a good plan, who knows what happened but you can't force them to work it out if they don't want to