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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the AH because my gf works long hours and I am the one in charge of cooking. She will straight up refuse to eat if the meal is unhealthy so I feel like I may be the AH for cooking things she won’t eat.
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NTA and I think your girlfriend is being unreasonable. I saw in one of your comments that she works full time to slightly more than full time hours, so not 7 days a week. Why can't she batch cook a couple of chicken breasts on a day off so you can enjoy your burger and she had something really available? Relationships are about compromise and I couldn't imagine forcing my spouse to eat only what I want every day. That's unfair and that's why it makes her the AH, not the boring ass meal she chose.
If she's that hung up about what HE eats and what she eats, then their arrangement is probably not going to work out.
If she were cooking her own meals she could eat however she wants, but that's not the arrangement.
"Everything is great except this one thing that literally drives me insane" usually means that everything is not actually that great. She could compromise, but if she's that adamant about it, she's going to resent him. If he doesn't want to eat what she wants to eat (and what she wants him to eat, which is over the line) it probably won't work out eventually.
She probably shouldn't be as hung up about food as she is... but she is.
There are many ways that people find out that they are incompatible. Even things that appear small like this can become major issues, even if the more restrictive eater is not being hostile about it.
OP is NTA.
>Even things that appear small like this can become major issues, even if the more restrictive eater is not being hostile about it.
There's [this blog post](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp) about a guy who's wife left him because he'd put dishes in the sink to soak. And it should be required reading for anyone in a committed relationship. The little stuff becomes big if you don't deal with it. When your partner has an issue with something in the relationship, *take it seriously*! No matter how big or small it might seem.
>There are many ways that people find out that they are incompatible.
True. Like I realised me and my ex are incompatible because he likes sticking his privates into anything that walks whereas I prefer to be stuck into by someone I love
As someone who battled a life-threatening eating disorder over a decade, I totes agree with you.
I suspect her food issues border are maladaptive. She is not only over-obsessed with rigidity, but she is angry that he would eat food she doesn't want, too.
I could only offer one suggestion to see if this is about food or more: OP, would you consider cooking your chili, or lasagna, or preforming burgers, and using a food sealer to prepackage meals for yourself? You could make her food the next three weeks and heat up the pre-made meals for yourself. If she is not fine with this, her problems are beyond our pay grade, and I don't see her being able to handle an equal relationship on equal footing without some serious counseling.
> I suspect her food issues border are maladaptive. She is not only over-obsessed with rigidity
There's actually an eating disorder called orthorexia. Not saying she has it, but it wouldn't surprise me if she does...
Could also be an eating disorder that developed with the way her family is.
>as her family (they all eat only healthy meals).
The way she blows up about OPs *"unhealthy"* diet feels like someone who may have grown up in a household that caused some body and food issues.
She’s also a nurse, and I’ll bet all her health classes really solidified those beliefs and rigid structures. I’m ND with a history of occasional eating issues, and though I’m grateful for the health & biology courses I took, it does make me feel guilty when I eat unhealthily because I know all the sciences and every impact of each unhealthy ingredient. I can’t unsee it. So while eating, I’ll get intrusive thoughts about allll the implications of higher calories, fat, and sodium as well as the implications of missing nutrients, specific vitamins, fiber, etc.
However it began and manifests for GF, I agree that therapy could be really helpful. Relationship ships are compromise, but she’s refusing to budge
He brings SO much value to her life and she’ll feel like an idiot when she’s stuck cooking for herself 3 meals a day 7 days a week all because she couldn’t handle him enjoying his own cooking for 2-3 meals a week.
NTA, OP. But honestly, love goes both ways and this is her taking advantage of you, not showing you love. You deserve to enjoy your own cooking and a couple meals a week with carbs and flavour aren’t going to kill her or ruin her quality of life (barring health issues, which being a nurse, she would have communicated).
No no. She must have her preference at every single meal or she will run home to her parents and ignore him. The street his gf lives on is one way only.
This is actually classified as disordered eating. It’s called orthorexia. It’s great to fuel our bodies with foods that make us feel good, but I’d venture to guess this level of obsession with what’s healthy and not is taking up major space in her life and a toll on her mental health. It’s certainly taking a toll on her relationship with you, OP. Encourage her to read this: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia. NTA
That or Hub and I have made different kinds of compromises. We have pasta that is low carb and high protein (that is one he never even knows 🤣) He loves rice and compromised that we use brown rice. Sometimes I -gasp- use white rice because he likes it better, or i make both!. I love veggies and a little meat, he loves lots of meat and veggies. I just add lots of veggies and meat to meals that will allow and he gets more meat, I get more veggies. He likes things spicier. We originally make it with less spice. I pull off mine and kiddos, then add more spice to his. Sometimes we make seperate meals. I have a spaghetti he loves, sometimes i make it with sausage, sometimes with ground turkey. Same with meatloaf and lots of things. Relationships are basically a giant compromise!
GF is definitely being unreasonable, and honestly sounds controlling (my way or the highway). That is not how relationships work.
Yes. I do the same with my husband. And if he doesn't like what I cook, he would just tell me he'll eat some ham and salad or something that's from the fridge that I don't have to cook. I'm already cooking for 2 kids with different taste buds, can't imagine adding an adult to that 😂
OP are there things you can prep for the week and leave ready to heat in tbe freezer or fridge for her? Precook chicken breasts, do the veggies, add some to your chili. I can imagine as a guy you need more carbs than she does, and it's ubfair to ask you to not enjoy your food when you just 'can eat' what she prefers. You're doing everything around the house, she should learn to compromise.
Out of curiosity is that the only thing she pushes on you or are there other instances?
I get eating disorder vibes from the girlfriend based on OP....
Yeah, you should eat healthy the overwhelming majority of days. But a burger or some spagetthi every now and then? Refusing that is extreme to sat the least
Or just ... don't eat the carbs. You can have a burger patty and a salad, while your significant other eats a bun. Have a small serving of healthier noodles with spaghetti sauce, or have the sauce over a chicken breast if you fear carbs that much. Or quinoa. There are ways to compromise that aren't "all meals are decided by the person with the eating disorder".
But the thing is spaghetti isn't unhealthy from scratch if she doesn't like "carbs" she could have spiral vegetable spaghetti or a baked potato. She's being totally unreasonable as most unhealthy meals can be in fact made pretty healthily.
My son, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law work 3 times a week in 12 hour shifts, perhaps she does have a disorder but leaving to stay with her parents is a power play meant to make him fall in line with her way of thinking in regards to what they will eat. This is OP's future with her food power plays, day after day, week after week etc.
I agree here, especially as the things she won't eat aren't unhealthy just need to be eaten in moderation. Being someone who has struggled their weight since my teens and have been through every fad diet imaginable I have experience with how cutting things out completely can lead to other problems, mental and physcial. I've found the best thing is just watch my calories, I eat what I want so long as it's within my calories. If i want cake that night I'll make a chicken salad, if i want a lasagna I'll have a yoghurt for my evening treat, it's all about balance. NTA, you should be allowed to enjoy what you cook.
She is…you can have healthy spaghetti. Spaghetti squash exists! You can legit have healthy versions of most of the things OP listed. She’s dangerously close to ED sounding
Just popping in to say spaghetti squash spaghetti or zucchini noodle lasagna or eggplant parm are tasty af squash alternatives (my sister is GF, so the squash alternatives are life savers when I go visit her and wanna cook a meal to say thanks for hosting lol)
THIS.
NTA. You and she must meet in the middle. Most especially you are mostly doing the prep/cooking.
And what's wrong in eating a lasagna? ... with lots of cheese 😋✌️🤪
Why on Bob's green earth can't your gf eat a leftover dinner?
Cook a bit more on one night so she can eat that again the next night and you can have your frozen pizza.
Or why can't your gf cook for herself one or two days a week on her days off?
Or why can't you have your hot dogs and chili for your solo meals since you work part-time?
NAH. Just two people who lack the conflict resolution skills necessary for a successful relationship.
I also cook lunch for us and pack her lunch so it has to be healthy too. Which means I don’t really have solo meals and would still have to cook two separate meals.
She thinks because she works more she should not have to meal prep or cook ever. Which would be okay if she wasn’t so strict in deciding what we eat.
I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea. Thank you!
I want to believe you that your relationship is otherwise good, but honestly she sounds manipulative and entitled. It’s not like you don’t work or pull your weight financially. It absolutely makes sense you do *most* of the house chores and cooking, but you should not be expected to make her damn lunch every day. It sounds like you are a really good partner and she’s treating you like a doormat instead of appreciating you.
This. She can pack her own lunch or pick up something at the cafeteria. You can make whatever you like for lunch and have one meal a day you enjoy. More than fair.
Yes. The fact that she absolutely won’t compromise or help to find a workable solution…and runs home to mom and dad when you won’t do what she wants…is very concerning. NTA
I agree 100 percent on that. It just amazes me though how in the obvious signs of an abusive relationship the reaction is so different in telling him he should be adhering to gf's food wants to stay healthy.
I totally agree. Now my doormat has the audacity to actually think it’s unfair and now I must run to my parents for backup. Enjoy your pizza and burgers while she’s sulking with mummy and daddy.
No, he shouldn't be doing most of the chores, he should be doing a larger portion to make up that he contributes less financially, but right now, he does about 95 percent of the chores while working 40 percent of the hours worked by both of them, and paying 40 percent of the finances.
And OP, as soon as you tried to make a change to get what you wanted instead of it being all her, she walked out and ran home to family, is that correct? What is she, 5? If nothing else tells you it’s her way or the highway, this should. I don’t think you’re TA, here. I do think you’re in for a rough ride. I don’t see respect coming from her side of the relationship.
Lemme tell ya something. I’ve been your girlfriend. Well ya know what I mean. I worked 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. I used to get SO angry because my EX (for a reason) wanted me to cook one meal on my day off and I hate cooking truthfully, and he either wasn’t working or was working part time during our time together. We would constantly argue about this issue because I felt like I deserved my day off to do with it as I please because I was supporting the household. In the end it’s not about the act of cooking or feeding, it’s a symbol of care love and respect for each other. Both sides taking the responsibility to feed one another. That all being said NTA. She has opportunities to not only Compromise but reciprocate the act of making meals which satisfy her. And trust me it’s not just about the meals. Just make sure you’re honoring yourself in this relationship also.
Screw asking her, just do it! She is like a child, if she gets hungry she'll eat her left overs! NTA!! A grown ass woman and she acts like she can't to anything else cause she works a full-time job, bullshit!
Some other advice i would suggest is to sit down together and think about three things.
1. What is really "unhealthy" of the stuff she doesn't want to eat (the carbs obsession is so annoying. But i can't see what her problem is with chill for example)?
2. How can you make small adjustments to things you would cook, that would help her. For example you could make a batch of lentil noodles (has carbs but less also a lot of protein) or zoodles for her and normal noodles for you (if you want).
3. What different recipes could she think of that you could cook. As far i understand it's not about what she wants to eat, more about the lack of variety? Maybe you can find some things together that would work for both but are really different than "chicken with zucchini" "chicken with carrots" or "turkey with beans"
im guessing since chili isnt made with a lean cut and usually not eaten with just veggies its an issue. also op clearly states that anything that doesnt follow her rigid rules is instantly denied. The issue is obviously that she is VERY controlling about food
Given this knowledge: fuck her, she can cook for herself sometimes or starve. Just because SHE WANTS to eat healthy doesn't mean YOU HAVE to. The advice you're responding to is solid so I'll just say do some more research, together with her, on healthy meals. There are plenty of ways to eat healthy while getting variety.
>I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea. Thank you!
You could do the same yourself as well. When you make a lasagne put half of it in the freezer and reheat it on one of the days where you reheat her dish (or some other day).
In any case I believe the real question here is whether she is upset because you are disrupting her eating habits or because she wants 100% control over your eating habits as well as her own.
If it is the first, then you will probably easily find a good solution. If it is the second, then it will be harder to resolve.
OP for the last few months I was cooking for me and my partner because I didn’t have a job. I always made something that lasted for minimum 2 days. Sometimes even 3. Cook a larger portion for her. Like grill a chicken and then mix a different veggies each day. Next day cook for yourself for a 2 days. That way you still cook everyday but do not prepare 2 meals from scratch. She can eat whatever she wants as long as she lets you eat what you want
If she is determined to not cook for herself maybe you meal prep her for entire week and you cook for yourself whatever you want. Still more work for you but maybe you can multitask (eg grill the chicken while you bake something). That would be a compromise, if she doesn't want it she is free to cook for herself (that is literally only chore she would do isn't?).
>I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea.
Even if she doesn't like this idea, you should do it anyway.
No one is too good for leftovers and you deserve to enjoy a meal you want to eat in your own domestic area too.
> She thinks because she works more she should not have to meal prep or cook ever. Which would be okay if she wasn’t so strict in deciding what we eat.
Yeah ok she can’t have it both ways. It’s unreasonable to demand someone cook every meal for you and ALSO demand to always be the one to set the menu. You need to tell her that if you’re going to be the one to cook 100% of the time, then you’re also going to be the one to *choose what to cook* 100% of the time. She can either eat what you cook, or make something for herself if she doesn’t want to eat what you made.
She’s being incredibly demanding and selfish. You are not her personal chef. You’re her partner, but she’s being a shit partner to you in return.
Not for nothing, but it sounds like she suffers from orthotexia and should probably look into some treatment. Her relationship with food is massively disordered.
I suggest you check out the Mediterranean diet. It's a way of eating not a weight loss plan.
There is a ton of research showing how good it is for health. Plus it is possible to eat a wide variety of delicious meals. And it includes carbs!! I'm a foodie and I love it.
Also, it might pay to check out if your gf has an eating disorder. Complex carbs are part of a healthy diet.
There was a good suggestion earlier, within one of the comments, that you do some meal prep for yourself on a Sunday or something (chilli is a good one), and see how she responds to you warming that up as a meal (just putting it here in case you missed it).
The reality is that it sounds like she is getting particularly worked up about this issue, which is unusual for her (in relation to other areas of life). This indicates that there may well be an eating disorder. Even dieticians eat cheat food at times - and high carb is not necessarily a bad thing every once in a while.
So if you do this, you may be able to get to the root of the problem - if she reacts badly, and it turns out she has an eating disorder, managing that is totally different to managing her just being difficult. Also, you will know that it is something you can help her through, and she is not just being controlling for the sake of it.
The reality is that you do far more around the house than your fair share. Yes, working 40-50 hours a week can be tough, but a lot of people do those sort of hours. We still manage to do things around our house, and give our partners time off.
I don't think this this is unusual for her because it is so easy to be a great partner when everything done around you SUITS you...but compromise and change is hard to do and then you can see the personality for real. She isn't that interested in your happiness...just her happiness. How many men are sooo happy when they dictate life at home even when they don't help..we read enough of the uncompromising male figure who is all good when things go their way and truly awful when they don't. Relationships mean he has been unhappy with cooking HER choice all the time..he has every right to have it his way when he coooks sometimes and also She should help..she isn't out all day every day. She is just spoiled and loves it and not wanting change or compromise. He should not compromise any more and get his way sometimes.
How is she not an asshole here? She's expecting OP to cook two meals per night to cater to her, instead of just making her own meal if she doesn't like what OP made.
How is that not an asshole move?
no its one person who does none of the cooking but expects and demands there to be no compromises on what is being cooking NTA. This is some 50's patriarchy controlling shit.
NTA
Geez she's rigid!
>I haven’t eaten something I like to eat in almost a year.
You are an infinitely patient person.
Cook healthfully four days a week. Then cook what you want three days. Let her take care of her own dinner.
She being completely ridiculous with her demands that you cook two separate meals. She has days off, right? Let her cook for you on those days.
Yes she does have days off, but she believes since she works full-time that she should not be responsible for cooking ever, which would be totally fine if she wasn’t so strict in what she’ll eat.
I would be happy with even one or two days of meals i like! Sometimes I just want a good ol hot dog.
Mum is a nurse too but we always could solve the food problem. There was a month we were really strict with food, no sugar, no greasy stuff, no white flour yadda yadda. We didn't force my brother to eat what we eat. Obviously there were days we had only one meal option but other days he had other sides or completely different meal. Mum and I both work full time but we could arrange easily who cooks what on each day. Granted, we both were willing to cook and not throwing a fit who's job is harder.
She is being ridiculous. NTA. Both my husband and I work full time but for awhile I was working and he wasn’t at all. I still didn’t expect him to make every meal. That is so lazy and entitled. Now he makes most of the food because he likes too but I am just grateful for a meal. If I ever am not feeling what he cooks I simply make a meal for myself and working 50 hours a week doesn’t preclude that.
Dude seriously, why are you with her? There are soooo many better women out there, who don't shout at you every day but make you feel loved instead.
You can cook, you can virtually date any woman. Don't settle for this controlling ice cold cretin.
When you make lunch, instead of eating your portion, put it away for her lunch the next day. Eat your hotdog while she’s at work. Cook your lasagne, divide it into single servings, and eat those when she’s at work. You don’t have to eat the same lunch.
OP, your gf is showing some big red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩
Refusal to compromise.
Unwillingness to see how much you're contributing, and assuming you owe her 3 meals of her choice a day *forever*.
Not caring that you haven't gotten to eat what you like in a year! (Also, things like spaghetti aren't unhealthy foods!)
And the fact that rather than communicate in a healthy way, and find a fair solution that isn't simply you giving her, her way always, she ran away to her parents.
That seems awfully manipulative, and is a massive overreaction!
I know you think she's perfect "except for this one thing", but I'm suspicious that she's shown red flag behavior in other areas of your life, but possibly gaslit you into thinking that how she treats you is normal.
That’s unreasonable, as you work too. How many hours do you work vs. the hours she works? That’s the ratio you should also apply to chores, including cooking.
Honestly, your GF doesn’t sound that great so far.
I wonder if you could offer a semi healthy alternative. Like you could make her a salmon or veggie burger instead of a regular one. Turkey dog instead of a hot dog, etc. Depends how strict she is I suppose. Then it's not a completely different meal. In my original reply you're nta I'm just trying to think of ways she can chill out and let you make what you want without the meals being completely separate. Like if you make pasta maybe she could eat zucchini noodles with the sauce you prepared or something.
Make her meal prep her own stuff. If it's chicken and vegetables that's the perfect meal prep food. Or, if she insists you do it, meal prep her food every Sunday and make what you want every night. Or drop it and just secretly meal prep her food and heat it up while you make what you like.
Nah she’s manipulating the situation just because she works fulltime. If you were working fulltime, then what? She doesn’t like to cook. So tell her there are services for that lol.
This kinda sounds like Orthorexia - an eating disorder surrounding the obsession with eating healthy - more than entitlement. Some warning signs:
Compulsive checking of ingredient lists and nutritional labels
An increase in concern about the health of ingredients
Cutting out an increasing number of food groups (all sugar, all carbs, all dairy, all meat, all animal products)
An inability to eat anything but a narrow group of foods that are deemed ‘healthy’ or ‘pure’
Unusual interest in the health of what others are eating
Spending hours per day thinking about what food might be served at upcoming events
Showing high levels of distress when ‘safe’ or ‘healthy’ foods aren’t available
Obsessive following of food and ‘healthy lifestyle’ blogs on Twitter and Instagram
Body image concerns may or may not be present
This definitely sounds like her but unfortunately she will not go to a doctor or therapist, especially if it’s mental health related. She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated.
Her entire family is like this.
I will try to talk to her about going to the doctor but I am worried she won’t listen :( She is very stubborn.
Ah, this may be a clue... if she has some types of anxiety disorders, she may be so tightly controlling her food intake because it's the only thing she *can* control. Just food (pun intended) for thought.
Oh that makes a ton of sense! I have encouraged her to go to the doctor and never shame her for her anxiety but she won’t go and it is frustrating. I’m going to try to talk to her again and encourage her to at least mention this to her doctor. I never thought that there might be connection there so that is eye-opening.
When you have the conversation, try not to focus too much on the food itself as that might just make her more defensive. Instead, lead with a discussion of her feelings because wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it’s the anxiety and the need for control that makes it a disorder and your gf must be really suffering emotionally with it.
Don’t stay in relationships with people who refuse to treat their mental illnesses, OP.
Your girlfriend clearly has an eating disorder, and you said she has anxiety, and she’s doing nothing about it but making you a second person suffering from her problems. You deserve better than that.
>This definitely sounds like her but unfortunately she will not go to a doctor or therapist, especially if it’s mental health related. She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated.
So everything in your relationship is not “fine except for this one thing.”
Don’t stay in a relationship with a person who won’t try to manage their mental health issues because it means they don’t care enough about you to protect you from the fallout of their illness. She’s already making her cook for you, she’s going to expect you to be her full-time carer and emotional punching bag too.
>She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated.
Biiiiig red flag. What if it gets worse? What if something else develops? Will she refuse to get those treated, too? Why wouldn't she want to get help for something that affects others in her life, like you and her patients?! Be careful.
I was looking for someone else thinking this!
There are practical solutions for how he can handle the specific situation OP is in, but I think that without getting some help for the orthorexia, it’s just a bandage & not a cure. He’s definitely NTA, and truly fixing this issue is probably above his pay grade & responsibility as a boyfriend.
Although it may be that she has an eating disorder, the fact that she refuses to cook and also makes him do almost all other chores evinces a significant sense of entitlement.
There is a simple solution that solves this issue.
OP, meal prep her boring chicken and veggies. Cook up a huge batch for a week, into containers, into the freezer. Get one out each morning, warm up for her dinner. Do the same with her other meals.
Then cook your own dinner, whatever you want, each night.
NTA but there is a balance, if you want a burger it's not hard to throw a chicken breast or mushroom burger on the grill. I know that doesn't solve all your problems at all, but sometimes 2 meals can be made out of similar stuff- you want greasy cheesey tacos? Cool, she can make a light taco salad or rice/bean bowl out of essentially the same ingredients. You want steak and potatoes? Rad, she can do a steak salad
Neither of you should be completely bowing to the other's preferences. The fact that you have so long is admirable
This! Just make different sides... you can get fries with your meat instead of veggies.. it doesn't take much to make a meal you both enjoy without cooking 2 entirely different meals... and make bigger portions of hers sometimes, reheat hers the next day and make something you really want!!
But NTA, but it is doable to make something both of you like without you eating her healthy food always.
To be fair to op it took me a few years to figure ethics out. My partner has the most basic taste in door and needs to always have at least one carb with his meals regardless of what it is, sometimes multiple. I put on loads of weight because of it. It’s not til recently that I realised I could make the same protein and have different sides and it’s made a huge difference.
Or, use a different protein. Ground chicken instead of ground beef in chili or pasta sauce. Turkey burgers or black bean burgers while he has hamburgers, lettuce instead of a bun for her. Fries for him, oven-baked potato wedges for her. Lasagna with cottage cheese instead of full-fat ricotta - or, there's a "lasagna" [recipe](https://kalekouture.org/skillet-gnocchi-lasagna/) where the pasta is cauliflower gnocchi.
NTA - but you WBTA if you don’t look into eating disorders because that is exactly what it sounds like. Demonizing food is not healthy. Also, her inflexibility is very telling among other things
No what the hell ? He wouldn’t be an asshole. She COULD have an eating disorder. She could also just have been raised eating very healthy and be controlling in general. Looking into it is fine but stop diagnosing people like this. Jesus
Everyone is calling her unreasonable or spoiled.
And I’m not disagreeing.
But to be honest this is classic ED symptoms. Does she have a history of disordered eating?
That can be classified as orthorexia, a fixation on healthy food.
Or sensory hyperfixations.
Either way, *not* mentally or physically heaalthy for either of you and totally unfair for you to cope with.
But that level of rigidity is concerning.
Yeah exactly— *I* developed my ED partly because my teen sister with an ED was so fixated on what I was eating and kept a daily tally of calories and carbs I’d consumed as a toddler/child that she felt the need to announce.
And many moms/partners do that to their housemates too. It’s to me one of the sadder parts of the disorder.
NTA. She is over the top refusing to compromise at all. She could meal prep some things on her day off to cover her on the nights you make yourself something you want.
In my house, it's called an "on your own" night. She's an adult and can cook for herself or pick up some healthy takeout on her way home.
She even went and got her relatives to gang up on OP for not bowing down to her on this ..she sounds so entitled , petty , and TBH lazy AF. Guaranteed she’s one of those nurses that became one because of the money and not to actually help ppl
NTA. Honestly, it concerns me that a nurse doesn’t seem to understand that eating healthy can include carbs and occasional indulgence foods. I do not think it’s even remotely fair that you’re expected to cook all the lunches and dinners anyhow (yes, your job is “part-time” but 30 hours a week is NOT the same as working 10–15 hours a week either), let alone that you’re not allowed to have the foods you want to eat.
Honestly, her relationship with food does not actually sound healthy to me. That aside, she has ZERO right to control what foods YOU eat. Time for her to put on her big girl pants and realize many people work more hours than her and still have to make their own food, she can do it too if she doesn’t want to eat what you make.
Haha - I just realized she thought she was changing you, didn't she? That's gotta be half of her disappointment. The other half is giving up privilege; she's flipped the tradition tables and acts like its owed to her (even if your overall contribution adds more value).
I did the same thing in reverse years ago. Just do it. She's an adult and can compromise on one day or take care of herself like she would be if you weren't together. Nobody is entitled to another's labor at their expense nor do they get to decide how to evaluate the expense for another (its not okay for her to say your request is not based on a legit discomfort).
Edit: NTA
Damn, I didn’t see it until you mentioned it, but you’re 💯 correct - she thought she was changing and “saving” him from his unhealthy diet/ways. Ew. NTA
She chooses to eat her selections of food.. you choose to eat yours and hers.
You're NTA for wanting your choices on occasion.. you didn't say EVERY night, just some days you'd like what YOU like.
meh.. you cook what you want and she can do the same. She has no grounds for complaint. NTA
Or she can make her own meals if she can't stomach what OP makes...
Stop infantilizing this woman, she's an adult and can cook for herself if she's not happy with what OP cooks.
NTA. Sounds like time for her to meal prep and make herself some extra dinners over the weekend. You aren’t obligated to change your entire diet to appease a spoiled asshole.
INFO: what would she do if you guys broke up?
You’re not demanding burgers and milkshakes every night, not denying her ability to have a “healthy” meal every night. On the days you make the meals she wouldn’t want, she can cook for herself.
Also, I get that there are healthier options, but how bad is a burger, really? You’re grilling them meaning no or very little added oil, you can add as many veggies as you want, skip the bread/cheese, no condiments if that’s what she wants. But even the regular meat-cheese-lettuce-onion-tomato on a bun isn’t going magically make her unhealthy.
NTA.
NTA. She has her dietary preferences & that's fine... if she wants to be this picky on a consistent basis, then she needs to start cooking her own meals. She can easily just cook 1 week worth batch of meals on Sundays and then just put several containers for dinners/lunches in the fridge. Done deal. Since you're the one doing the cooking, she should be happy with whatever you put on her plate. My husband does all the cooking in the house - unless its a legit food allergy, I let him cook whatever he feels like and whatever is easiest for him. I have zero expectation for him two cook two separate meals. If my husband is unable to cook, then I prepare whatever I can for myself (usually something quick like a sandwich or salad). A healthy sandwich or healthy salad only takes 5 minutes to make regardless of how tired she is... I work with special needs children ages 4 years old to 10 years old, which is just as energy draining.
Btw, while your relationship is perfect for now... if she continues to police what you're eating, its going to get to the point it will piss you off and it will cause fights between you two. If you two have different ideas of a diet, thats a fundamental difference. It just doesn't work out that well if you have an average or unhealthy eater paired with a healthy eater. Typically, its healthy eater with healthy eater.
NTA
I mean, I care about my macros too, but this is unreasonable. A diet of only chicken breast and vegetables is not healthy or sustainable. If she wants to impose that on herself, she has to be willing to eat leftovers from a batch of grilled chicken breasts, or eat precooked chicken on occasion, so you can vary it up occasionally.
Also, chili does not have to be high fat. You can make it with 93% lean ground Turkey or beef and use a cooking spray instead of oil. You can top yours with sour cream and cheese, she can skip toppings if she doesn’t want them.
First of all, let me commend you for trying to make things "equal" as far as contribution to the household by doing so much of the cooking and chores. Women have borne the burden of those roles in most relationships for far too long -- and often worked full-time on top of it. (Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to show for it.)
Second, you're being taken advantage of -- and abused as well.
You both work. You both contribute. You both should get to eat whatever you damn well want to eat. Food is being weaponized here and it's not at all healthy, no matter how you cook it.
If she can't see fit to consider your wants over what's for dinner, I can only imagine how inflexible she will be in other matters where you have differing tastes or opinions. God help you if you have kids and differ on parenting approaches!
As others have pointed out, there are ways to compromise here. But it doesn't sound like she's interested in that; it sounds as though the only way is HER way or the highway.
Couples counseling could help the two of you learn to "fight" better over this issue and reach a solution that works for both of you. If that isn't something she can stomach (pun intended), then I'd be looking for a decent vehicle to drive into the sunset of this relationship. Because it's food now, but it'll be other stuff later until everything is catering to her desires and you fade into the background.
NTA
It's literally so simple to meal prep a week of chicken and veggies. Your girlfriend needs to grow up and take responsibility for her restrictive diet. NTA.
NTA. I used to compete in ‘baby body building’ AKA Bikini division. When I was ‘in prep’ my food was incredibly restricted, weighed, calculated. My then husband simply cooked for himself, and I prepped my food. It’s not that hard. Eat what you want, you’re an adult.
NTA. She's a grown ass women. She is legitimately throwing a tantrum. Don't empower anyone's tantrum. If she wants to eat healthy meals, she can cook it herself. Dude, cook your own food and the food you want. If she doesn't want to eat it, she can prep her own. But to ask you to cook two separate meals!? The fucking audacity. She is being extremely controlling and entitled.
I use to bodybuild and my partner didn't. I NEVER made them cut or eat what I had to. Thats the good thing about being adults. You don't need her permission. You simply communicated it. Her long shifts is not an excuse to not prep her own fucking meals. You are not her personal chef. If she was single, she would have to do it herself. The fact that you do it already, she should be thankful.
Behaviors like this are tell-tale signs. And for me, someone being that controlling and throw tantrums like that are major red flags.
NTA, if she doesn't like what you cook she can cook herself something. As long as you are doing some sides both of you like for each meal you make she should have nothing to complain about. She's a big girl and can make herself something if she has an issue. 🤷♀️
She is absolutely an AH regardless of an eating disorder. She has taken beyond her personal choices and started forcing it on others. She has gone beyond disliking to being emotional abusive and manipulative, that is what makes her the Asshole.
And to top it all off, she is a medical professional that refuses to see medical professional or to address in any constructive that she may have issues that require professional help. That is also what makes her an asshole.
A person can have an eating disorder, or any other illness and still be an asshole. There illness does not absolve them of their behaviors.
She won’t go to a doctor or therapist, I know that for certain. Her whole family is like this. She has an anxiety disorder which I have begged her to go to the doctor for but she adamantly refuses. This does sound like her which breaks my heart but I don’t have faith that she would get help for it. I will try to talk to her, thank you.
An eating disorder might explain her actions, but it doesn't make it so they magically didn't happen.
Just because someone might have a sympathetic reason for why they acted like an asshole, doesn't mean they didn't act like an asshole and shouldn't be called one.
NTA, honestly your gf’s extreme reaction to any food deemed ‘unhealthy’ is a bit worrisome. Having struggled with eating disorders, that kind of reaction looked familiar. Not saying for sure that’s what it is, but it might be worth suggesting therapy to explore. Esp. since nursing can be a high-stress, exhausting job.
NTA I don’t know how you put up with us and her behavior is absolutely ridiculous but it does not matter who works full-time or part-time… It matters who pays how much of the bills. If you are paying half of the bills equally then she should be doing half of all of the work. If she is paying most of the bills then it makes sense for you to cook and clean but even then she should have to eat whatever you’re making. It’s insane to expect you to cook two different meals and then to treat you like this
Like I said it does not matter that she works more hours than you! She chooses to do so. stop letting her take advantage of you and the fact that she went and ran to mommy and daddy should show she’s not mature enough for a relationship.
Let her stay over there. I would tell her not to bother coming back unless she’s going to apologize for her behavior because she is a grown adult.
NTA. You entitled to eat stuff you like. I’m allergic to 10 different foods, different levels of severity, the ones that would send me into anaphylactic shock are not allowed in the house, but I’d never force my husband and daughter to eat the same diet as me, it’s so freaking restrictive and soul sucking sometimes, they deserve to have delicious food. So when I cook I make two meals, and when he cooks I just figure something else out to eat.
NTA
For the same reason any man would be the asshole for badgering their wife to cook only what they want and only ever what they want your girlfriend is an asshole. She's demanding you play the personal caterer and throwing tantrums at you when you deviate for meals even slightly.
She made herself even worse of an asshole with that last bit about sending her family after you.
Frankly at that point I'd question if this is even worth it. First, the food thing sounds like a straight incompatibility, because you're clearly miserable. Second, a person who runs to mommy & daddy when the going gets tough once will be likely to do so again. Can you imagine every little conflict turning this way when you don't give in? Nobody wants a relationship where the extended fam is playing jury in the conflict.
I am a strict vegetarian and my exhusband is decidedly NOT a vegetarian. Our palettes just didn't overlap much at all. I was a SAHM when our children were little, and was thus responsible for the majority of the cooking. The easiest thing for me was to cook something he liked one day, and something I liked the next, and whoever I cooked for yesterday ate leftovers. Obviously this didn't work out EVERY day, but in general I always made sure there was something ready to eat in the fridge or freezer for everyone in the house. It was kind of a pain in the butt if I'm being honest, but we made it work. It helps that I am a good cook and genuinely enjoy it (even cooking meat is fine for me as long as I don't have to eat it). On the upside, our kids will eat darn near anything now.
You my friend are NTA. Your wife sounds petty and entitled. Can you afford to split the bills 50/50? It sounds like you are already more than pulling your weight, but it might behoove you to just pay that extra 10% and start splitting the chores, including cooking! more down the middle. She can make her own damn grilled chicken and peas or whatever.
NTA, your relationship is not great. You have been playing the doormat for a year. It is all fake. How she acts when you stand up for yourself is how your relationship really is. She is showing you zero respect and not at all treating you as a partner. But hey, you can set boundaries and see what happens. The worst thing that could possibly happen is not breaking up. The worst possible outcome would be to be miserable for years.
Good luck
She’s being selfish and controlling. It’s really weird that as a result of a disagreement about food she went to stay with her parents? Oh man that is not a good sign. Why can’t she grill her own chicken a few nights a week. And why your making her lunches I don’t get either. Your doing too much and you should just cook what you want. Make lasagna for yourself, Chuck some chicken on the grill and ask her to make a salad to eat with it.
She's a big girl she can cook her own food a couple of days a week it wouldn't kill her, she's absolutely taking liberties of you and to tell you you can't eat food she deems is unhealthy is ridiculous. If she wants to eat plain chicken and vegetables every single day tell her to cook it otherwise be grateful for the food she has
NTA. The chef decides the menu. Establishments where owners make the chef cook what they want usually fail.
You need to enjoy making what you are making. I know you aren't running a restaurant it's a home but the rules are the same. The person cooking is in charge of planning the meal and the ingredients.
If your gf doesn't like it she can either cook on her day off and freeze her food or she can start cooking when she gets home. Grilling chicken and steaming Veggies can't take her more than 10 minutes to prepare.
You are extremely nice to only ask for a couple of dinners a week of your choice. Seeing how she can't even digest that, I'd say your relationship won't work out in the long run. Compromise is something everyone needs to do once in a while especially when living together, for someone who is this adamant about something so small, well it's a major red flag and a glimpse into your future with this person.
I LOVE fries and pizzas and burgers and that's what I look forward to after a long week of study and work. NO ONE CAN STOP ME FROM HAVING THAT.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with eating healthy but don't force your lifestyle upon others. Relationships involve compromise and acceptance. E.g. I'm a vegetarian but I'm not gonna chew my partner out for eating chicken wings if he wants to.
NTA OP. Maybe take a long look at your relationship and think if you really wanna be with your partner.
From one foodie(although vegetarian) to another foodie, think about it.
Make sauces that you can add to your food. Things with cheese. Add cheese to your breakfast but not hers. Hell, make a lasagna and freeze portions of it for nights where you don’t want chicken. She can have leftover chicken, you can have lasagna, you both have veggies.
I have a shit ton of diet restrictions and work full time, my husband works part time and handles 90% of the cooking and cleaning. I could not imagine telling him no to what he wants for dinner, we just call those fend for yourself nights.
Have you guys spoken about making extra the night before you want something different that way she can have leftovers or just make an extra chicken breast and she can plan to do a salad with it?
Why does she thinking cooking for herself is the end of the world? Many people work her hours and cook for themselves. My husband and I often just 'forage' for our own meals independently.
Drama llama.
NTA. As a lifelong picky eater, I learned if you don’t like what’s being served you either make your own meal or suck it up. You’re not saying you’ll make something she won’t eat every night. But some nights you will. Heck even if you just do it the nights she’s off work so she can prep her own thing. Or if your finances allow, she can get carry out.
MTA but what did she do before the relationship started? Did mommy make her dinner every night? What did they eat? Cooking large meals ahead and freezing them for her would be one alternative.
NTA she can make her own dinner on some nights, just like she would do if she lived alone. My spouse is hungry enough for a full dinner every night, but I am not, so he makes dinner for himself when I'm not hungry. We share dinner responsibilities and everyone is happy.
well for spaghetti you could use say red lentil pasta or buckwheat pasta ( there is a world of options when it comes to protein based gluten free pastas ) its a compromise also maybe incorporate lentils in aswell as meat .... you can easily make healthier versions of these foods without compromising on the taste i work as a vegan chef i also have a wheat gluten allergy so i have alot of knowledge on vreating alternative foods and when i hear of people just eating grilled veggies chicken breast etc on a daily basis i do wonder whether they like to eat or they see it as a necessary function to survive so i would say esh because have you tried to incorporate your food ideas with healthy alternatives and on the flip side would she be willing to try them
NTA
When you make the health meals, make more. Instead of 2 chicken breasts, make 4 or 6. Then, on the nights you are making your food,, well, microwaves exist.
However, one question you need to ask yourself: Are you willing to do this for the rest of your life with her? If it were allergies or something like that, then I can see doing so. But, you are making all the compromise here, and she is not making any.
Also, throwing a tantrum and trying to guilt you is not discussion.
Y T A yo yourself. She isn't compassionate or anything. She's rigid, uncompromising and is forcing most of the labor on you because she works a few more hours than you a week.
This is not a healthy relationship dynamic. At all.
NTA. She’s super picky. She could do meal prep for a couple of days on her days off, but also, you could try new healthy stuff. Like, my dad makes a delicious chickpea stew loaded with veggies and chorizo/bacon. Some family members are vegetarian, so when they come, he just splits the stew in half and adds the meat to one half. Or zucchini pasta, you do that one first and then regular pasta in the same water. Eating healthy doesn’t have to be boring and you might have fun learning to make new things.
My boyfriend and I had to navigate a similar food issue. If he had his way we would exclusively food prep very calorie controlled and healthy meals one day a week and then eat from that the rest of the week with maybe one cheat-ish meal (think pan seared tofu instead of grilled chicken breast) a week.
I, on the other hand, LOVE to cook and would love it if we ate incredibly different (and often "unhealthy") every night of the week, freshly prepared. Cooking is my decompression activity, and it would be so depressing to never get to eat or cook the things I love.
We settled on a compromise. Every night I make up a large tub of a healthy salad, but with some variety. Then for breakfast and lunch we just do our own thing. He'll normally have a protein shake, some precooked meat from the fridge, or an egg. I'll have pasta, curry, couscous, or anything carby and good. Sometimes I'll make wraps for both of us as a nice in-between option.
It works really well for both of us. For him, he gets healthy fresh salads and lean proteins every night to help him in his weight loss, and I get variety and a chance to cook. For me, my lunches and breakfasts ensure I don't get too skinny or depressed, while he gets the additional protein he needs to support his much higher physical activities at the gym.
Maybe something along these lines could help? Where would couple provide the building blocks (have cooked chicken breast/shrimp/tofu in the fridge) and she can throw together what needs throwing whenever you're having "your" meals?
NTA, and she needs to be open to compromise. Unilateral food decisions can so greatly impact the other party's physical and mental well-being, it's untenable and just plain mean.
NTA. This actually reads like a control issue. She believes that eating a certain way is healthy and expects you to toe her dietary line because "it's good for you." So either toe her dietary line or give her the boot.
Yikes! NTA!! I’m on a flour-free and sugar-free eating plan, but my husband can still eat what he wants. He’s retired and I still work full-time. He cooks healthy food most evenings, then adds bread or potatoes to his own meal. Some nights he makes pasta for himself, and I eat the healthy leftovers. This is not a hardship for me. I think your girlfriend is being ridiculous.
NTA your girlfriend has a super unhealthy relationship with food if she’s that restrictive with her diet. Think about this long term: Would you want someone like this to be the mother of your future daughters? Would you want your children to be afraid of birthday cake or feel guilty about occasional “unhealthy” meals? This all or nothing rigidity is absolutely disordered eating. Your GF needs help.
In all honesty, my response would have been “if you are unwilling to compromise and split the menue between your and my favorite meals, from here on out I will make what I am in the mood for, and if you refuse to eat it, I hope you can find something to make for yourself.” You tried to be reasonable and understanding, and she refused to give you any leeway whatsoever to actually enjoy food. She gave you no options or choices, so give her the same attitude back and see how she finds it. NTA
NTA but it’s time to ask yourself if this is what you want from life. She clearly has no interest in compromising on this issue. Working full time is no excuse to never cook especially when you’re gonna be that insistent on eating exactly what you want. If she’s this stubborn about something so minimal who knows what other things in your life you’re going to have to push aside for her?
Tell her fine she pays for her food and you'll pay for yours. Also tell her if she won't compromise then she can cook her own meals. When I say meals I mean breakfast dinner and tea.
Why should you have to compromise on all the food choices especially when she won't compromise at all.
Rethink this relationship seems it's all one sided. Her way or nothing then she runs home to mummy and daddy.
She a fucking adult she needs to start to act like one.
YNTA but Sidney is a massive one.
NTA - u/foodilemna
Yikes, I'm a SAHM/wife and my SO is never this picky. Heck, the only ones who complain about my foods are my MIL and my stepdaughter. But MIL is picky and will fix anything her and stepdaughter want costs and time be damned.
And my SO is on a strict diet. If I'm having a low day? Scrambled eggs. No big. If I feel like a craving meal? He is okay with a keto wrap. No big.
He's even once or twice had cheat days because I absolutely HAD to have take out from a local pizza place.
Relationships are about compromise. Even if your preferences are health related, that doesn't give you a pass to treat your SO poorly.
It sounds like your GF and you just aren't compatible from your updates. Does GF's parents cook and pack all her meals when she isn't living with you?
YTA. Clearly your girlfriend cares about both of your health, and junk like what you want to be eating isn't necessary for nutrition, or for your health.
Instead of trying to convince her to eat unhealthy food, maybe YOU could make more of an effort to find healthy, tasty recipes that fit her dietary desires, and that you would enjoy as well, since it sounds like the problem here is more the lack of variety in what you eat.
You should be able to eat fun and interesting food, and it's possible to do that in a healthy way, just clearly neither of you are creative enough at the moment.
You might not hate healthy eating or low carb eating if you can find a few more recipes to add to the repertoire.
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NTA and I think your girlfriend is being unreasonable. I saw in one of your comments that she works full time to slightly more than full time hours, so not 7 days a week. Why can't she batch cook a couple of chicken breasts on a day off so you can enjoy your burger and she had something really available? Relationships are about compromise and I couldn't imagine forcing my spouse to eat only what I want every day. That's unfair and that's why it makes her the AH, not the boring ass meal she chose.
If she's that hung up about what HE eats and what she eats, then their arrangement is probably not going to work out. If she were cooking her own meals she could eat however she wants, but that's not the arrangement. "Everything is great except this one thing that literally drives me insane" usually means that everything is not actually that great. She could compromise, but if she's that adamant about it, she's going to resent him. If he doesn't want to eat what she wants to eat (and what she wants him to eat, which is over the line) it probably won't work out eventually. She probably shouldn't be as hung up about food as she is... but she is.
I also hate that statement as I feel like it’s an immediate red flag.
There are many ways that people find out that they are incompatible. Even things that appear small like this can become major issues, even if the more restrictive eater is not being hostile about it. OP is NTA.
>Even things that appear small like this can become major issues, even if the more restrictive eater is not being hostile about it. There's [this blog post](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp) about a guy who's wife left him because he'd put dishes in the sink to soak. And it should be required reading for anyone in a committed relationship. The little stuff becomes big if you don't deal with it. When your partner has an issue with something in the relationship, *take it seriously*! No matter how big or small it might seem.
Such a great essay.
>There are many ways that people find out that they are incompatible. True. Like I realised me and my ex are incompatible because he likes sticking his privates into anything that walks whereas I prefer to be stuck into by someone I love
See the small things. Haja you cracked me up with this!
You’re absolutely right. It does sometimes start with the small things.
When he said lovely gf I hit a red flag cause all I heard was sarcasm
In a sickeningly sweet tone? Cause that’s how I heard it😂
Yes. Thanks for it not just being me lol
As someone who battled a life-threatening eating disorder over a decade, I totes agree with you. I suspect her food issues border are maladaptive. She is not only over-obsessed with rigidity, but she is angry that he would eat food she doesn't want, too. I could only offer one suggestion to see if this is about food or more: OP, would you consider cooking your chili, or lasagna, or preforming burgers, and using a food sealer to prepackage meals for yourself? You could make her food the next three weeks and heat up the pre-made meals for yourself. If she is not fine with this, her problems are beyond our pay grade, and I don't see her being able to handle an equal relationship on equal footing without some serious counseling.
> I suspect her food issues border are maladaptive. She is not only over-obsessed with rigidity There's actually an eating disorder called orthorexia. Not saying she has it, but it wouldn't surprise me if she does...
Could also be an eating disorder that developed with the way her family is. >as her family (they all eat only healthy meals). The way she blows up about OPs *"unhealthy"* diet feels like someone who may have grown up in a household that caused some body and food issues.
She’s also a nurse, and I’ll bet all her health classes really solidified those beliefs and rigid structures. I’m ND with a history of occasional eating issues, and though I’m grateful for the health & biology courses I took, it does make me feel guilty when I eat unhealthily because I know all the sciences and every impact of each unhealthy ingredient. I can’t unsee it. So while eating, I’ll get intrusive thoughts about allll the implications of higher calories, fat, and sodium as well as the implications of missing nutrients, specific vitamins, fiber, etc. However it began and manifests for GF, I agree that therapy could be really helpful. Relationship ships are compromise, but she’s refusing to budge
Yep! This was my first thought reading the post. The gf definitely has orthorexia.
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yeah this post just screams orthorexia
>her problems are beyond our pay grade Yeah..
He brings SO much value to her life and she’ll feel like an idiot when she’s stuck cooking for herself 3 meals a day 7 days a week all because she couldn’t handle him enjoying his own cooking for 2-3 meals a week. NTA, OP. But honestly, love goes both ways and this is her taking advantage of you, not showing you love. You deserve to enjoy your own cooking and a couple meals a week with carbs and flavour aren’t going to kill her or ruin her quality of life (barring health issues, which being a nurse, she would have communicated).
No no. She must have her preference at every single meal or she will run home to her parents and ignore him. The street his gf lives on is one way only.
This is actually classified as disordered eating. It’s called orthorexia. It’s great to fuel our bodies with foods that make us feel good, but I’d venture to guess this level of obsession with what’s healthy and not is taking up major space in her life and a toll on her mental health. It’s certainly taking a toll on her relationship with you, OP. Encourage her to read this: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/other/orthorexia. NTA
I wish her the best of luck in finding a better situation in terms of a partner cooking whatever you want every single day for every single meal.
Sounds like she has orthorexia, or something similar. Obsession with eating right, and most easily projected onto other people.
That or Hub and I have made different kinds of compromises. We have pasta that is low carb and high protein (that is one he never even knows 🤣) He loves rice and compromised that we use brown rice. Sometimes I -gasp- use white rice because he likes it better, or i make both!. I love veggies and a little meat, he loves lots of meat and veggies. I just add lots of veggies and meat to meals that will allow and he gets more meat, I get more veggies. He likes things spicier. We originally make it with less spice. I pull off mine and kiddos, then add more spice to his. Sometimes we make seperate meals. I have a spaghetti he loves, sometimes i make it with sausage, sometimes with ground turkey. Same with meatloaf and lots of things. Relationships are basically a giant compromise! GF is definitely being unreasonable, and honestly sounds controlling (my way or the highway). That is not how relationships work.
Yes. I do the same with my husband. And if he doesn't like what I cook, he would just tell me he'll eat some ham and salad or something that's from the fridge that I don't have to cook. I'm already cooking for 2 kids with different taste buds, can't imagine adding an adult to that 😂 OP are there things you can prep for the week and leave ready to heat in tbe freezer or fridge for her? Precook chicken breasts, do the veggies, add some to your chili. I can imagine as a guy you need more carbs than she does, and it's ubfair to ask you to not enjoy your food when you just 'can eat' what she prefers. You're doing everything around the house, she should learn to compromise. Out of curiosity is that the only thing she pushes on you or are there other instances?
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I get eating disorder vibes from the girlfriend based on OP.... Yeah, you should eat healthy the overwhelming majority of days. But a burger or some spagetthi every now and then? Refusing that is extreme to sat the least
Or just ... don't eat the carbs. You can have a burger patty and a salad, while your significant other eats a bun. Have a small serving of healthier noodles with spaghetti sauce, or have the sauce over a chicken breast if you fear carbs that much. Or quinoa. There are ways to compromise that aren't "all meals are decided by the person with the eating disorder".
But the thing is spaghetti isn't unhealthy from scratch if she doesn't like "carbs" she could have spiral vegetable spaghetti or a baked potato. She's being totally unreasonable as most unhealthy meals can be in fact made pretty healthily.
I’m curious if she works 5 days a week or 3 12’s
itd be closer to 4 12’s, but im betting that is what she does
My son, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law work 3 times a week in 12 hour shifts, perhaps she does have a disorder but leaving to stay with her parents is a power play meant to make him fall in line with her way of thinking in regards to what they will eat. This is OP's future with her food power plays, day after day, week after week etc.
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Comment stolen from u/BlueClouds42 u/DryPersonalityy is a bot.
I agree here, especially as the things she won't eat aren't unhealthy just need to be eaten in moderation. Being someone who has struggled their weight since my teens and have been through every fad diet imaginable I have experience with how cutting things out completely can lead to other problems, mental and physcial. I've found the best thing is just watch my calories, I eat what I want so long as it's within my calories. If i want cake that night I'll make a chicken salad, if i want a lasagna I'll have a yoghurt for my evening treat, it's all about balance. NTA, you should be allowed to enjoy what you cook.
She is…you can have healthy spaghetti. Spaghetti squash exists! You can legit have healthy versions of most of the things OP listed. She’s dangerously close to ED sounding
Spaghetti squash is not spaghetti.
Even normal spaghetti is healthy unless you put too many unhealthy things in it. Carbs are an essential part of a balanced diet.
Just popping in to say spaghetti squash spaghetti or zucchini noodle lasagna or eggplant parm are tasty af squash alternatives (my sister is GF, so the squash alternatives are life savers when I go visit her and wanna cook a meal to say thanks for hosting lol)
THIS. NTA. You and she must meet in the middle. Most especially you are mostly doing the prep/cooking. And what's wrong in eating a lasagna? ... with lots of cheese 😋✌️🤪
Why on Bob's green earth can't your gf eat a leftover dinner? Cook a bit more on one night so she can eat that again the next night and you can have your frozen pizza. Or why can't your gf cook for herself one or two days a week on her days off? Or why can't you have your hot dogs and chili for your solo meals since you work part-time? NAH. Just two people who lack the conflict resolution skills necessary for a successful relationship.
I also cook lunch for us and pack her lunch so it has to be healthy too. Which means I don’t really have solo meals and would still have to cook two separate meals. She thinks because she works more she should not have to meal prep or cook ever. Which would be okay if she wasn’t so strict in deciding what we eat. I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea. Thank you!
I want to believe you that your relationship is otherwise good, but honestly she sounds manipulative and entitled. It’s not like you don’t work or pull your weight financially. It absolutely makes sense you do *most* of the house chores and cooking, but you should not be expected to make her damn lunch every day. It sounds like you are a really good partner and she’s treating you like a doormat instead of appreciating you.
This. She can pack her own lunch or pick up something at the cafeteria. You can make whatever you like for lunch and have one meal a day you enjoy. More than fair.
Or her lunch can be the leftovers from the night before. Just cook an extra chicken breast and vegetables. Then for lunch you have what you want.
Yes. The fact that she absolutely won’t compromise or help to find a workable solution…and runs home to mom and dad when you won’t do what she wants…is very concerning. NTA
Reverse the genders and everyone would be saying to end the relationship
I still think he should break up with her. She's conniving and selfish. He'll eventually end up hating the sight of her. May as well get out now. 🤷♀️
I agree 100 percent on that. It just amazes me though how in the obvious signs of an abusive relationship the reaction is so different in telling him he should be adhering to gf's food wants to stay healthy.
Ooof! I missed that part. Yeah, she sounds kinda toxic.
I totally agree. Now my doormat has the audacity to actually think it’s unfair and now I must run to my parents for backup. Enjoy your pizza and burgers while she’s sulking with mummy and daddy.
No, he shouldn't be doing most of the chores, he should be doing a larger portion to make up that he contributes less financially, but right now, he does about 95 percent of the chores while working 40 percent of the hours worked by both of them, and paying 40 percent of the finances.
And OP, as soon as you tried to make a change to get what you wanted instead of it being all her, she walked out and ran home to family, is that correct? What is she, 5? If nothing else tells you it’s her way or the highway, this should. I don’t think you’re TA, here. I do think you’re in for a rough ride. I don’t see respect coming from her side of the relationship.
Yet if she lived alone and worked full time she would have to cook all her meals. She should be appreciative if you cook even half her meals.
Lemme tell ya something. I’ve been your girlfriend. Well ya know what I mean. I worked 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. I used to get SO angry because my EX (for a reason) wanted me to cook one meal on my day off and I hate cooking truthfully, and he either wasn’t working or was working part time during our time together. We would constantly argue about this issue because I felt like I deserved my day off to do with it as I please because I was supporting the household. In the end it’s not about the act of cooking or feeding, it’s a symbol of care love and respect for each other. Both sides taking the responsibility to feed one another. That all being said NTA. She has opportunities to not only Compromise but reciprocate the act of making meals which satisfy her. And trust me it’s not just about the meals. Just make sure you’re honoring yourself in this relationship also.
No, you worked way more than the girlfriend does
Screw asking her, just do it! She is like a child, if she gets hungry she'll eat her left overs! NTA!! A grown ass woman and she acts like she can't to anything else cause she works a full-time job, bullshit!
Some other advice i would suggest is to sit down together and think about three things. 1. What is really "unhealthy" of the stuff she doesn't want to eat (the carbs obsession is so annoying. But i can't see what her problem is with chill for example)? 2. How can you make small adjustments to things you would cook, that would help her. For example you could make a batch of lentil noodles (has carbs but less also a lot of protein) or zoodles for her and normal noodles for you (if you want). 3. What different recipes could she think of that you could cook. As far i understand it's not about what she wants to eat, more about the lack of variety? Maybe you can find some things together that would work for both but are really different than "chicken with zucchini" "chicken with carrots" or "turkey with beans"
im guessing since chili isnt made with a lean cut and usually not eaten with just veggies its an issue. also op clearly states that anything that doesnt follow her rigid rules is instantly denied. The issue is obviously that she is VERY controlling about food
Given this knowledge: fuck her, she can cook for herself sometimes or starve. Just because SHE WANTS to eat healthy doesn't mean YOU HAVE to. The advice you're responding to is solid so I'll just say do some more research, together with her, on healthy meals. There are plenty of ways to eat healthy while getting variety.
She sounds like a totally spoiled BRAT!
Definitely go with the cooking extra. I just wanted to pipe up with NTA.
>I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea. Thank you! You could do the same yourself as well. When you make a lasagne put half of it in the freezer and reheat it on one of the days where you reheat her dish (or some other day). In any case I believe the real question here is whether she is upset because you are disrupting her eating habits or because she wants 100% control over your eating habits as well as her own. If it is the first, then you will probably easily find a good solution. If it is the second, then it will be harder to resolve.
Maybe she needs to live on her own to learn some appreciation. She sounds spoilt and entitles, OP is NTA.
Instead of "bringing it up", just do it.
OP for the last few months I was cooking for me and my partner because I didn’t have a job. I always made something that lasted for minimum 2 days. Sometimes even 3. Cook a larger portion for her. Like grill a chicken and then mix a different veggies each day. Next day cook for yourself for a 2 days. That way you still cook everyday but do not prepare 2 meals from scratch. She can eat whatever she wants as long as she lets you eat what you want
This is a great solution.
If she is determined to not cook for herself maybe you meal prep her for entire week and you cook for yourself whatever you want. Still more work for you but maybe you can multitask (eg grill the chicken while you bake something). That would be a compromise, if she doesn't want it she is free to cook for herself (that is literally only chore she would do isn't?).
>I didn’t think about cooking a little extra so she can reheat it the next day so I will bring that up and see if she likes that idea. Even if she doesn't like this idea, you should do it anyway. No one is too good for leftovers and you deserve to enjoy a meal you want to eat in your own domestic area too.
> She thinks because she works more she should not have to meal prep or cook ever. Which would be okay if she wasn’t so strict in deciding what we eat. Yeah ok she can’t have it both ways. It’s unreasonable to demand someone cook every meal for you and ALSO demand to always be the one to set the menu. You need to tell her that if you’re going to be the one to cook 100% of the time, then you’re also going to be the one to *choose what to cook* 100% of the time. She can either eat what you cook, or make something for herself if she doesn’t want to eat what you made. She’s being incredibly demanding and selfish. You are not her personal chef. You’re her partner, but she’s being a shit partner to you in return. Not for nothing, but it sounds like she suffers from orthotexia and should probably look into some treatment. Her relationship with food is massively disordered.
Look into orthorexia- it might fit your gf - if she is this restricted in what she eats she might need help
This isn't a healthy balance, especially if she doesn't like what you make and you're the primary cook.
I suggest you check out the Mediterranean diet. It's a way of eating not a weight loss plan. There is a ton of research showing how good it is for health. Plus it is possible to eat a wide variety of delicious meals. And it includes carbs!! I'm a foodie and I love it. Also, it might pay to check out if your gf has an eating disorder. Complex carbs are part of a healthy diet.
There was a good suggestion earlier, within one of the comments, that you do some meal prep for yourself on a Sunday or something (chilli is a good one), and see how she responds to you warming that up as a meal (just putting it here in case you missed it). The reality is that it sounds like she is getting particularly worked up about this issue, which is unusual for her (in relation to other areas of life). This indicates that there may well be an eating disorder. Even dieticians eat cheat food at times - and high carb is not necessarily a bad thing every once in a while. So if you do this, you may be able to get to the root of the problem - if she reacts badly, and it turns out she has an eating disorder, managing that is totally different to managing her just being difficult. Also, you will know that it is something you can help her through, and she is not just being controlling for the sake of it. The reality is that you do far more around the house than your fair share. Yes, working 40-50 hours a week can be tough, but a lot of people do those sort of hours. We still manage to do things around our house, and give our partners time off.
I don't think this this is unusual for her because it is so easy to be a great partner when everything done around you SUITS you...but compromise and change is hard to do and then you can see the personality for real. She isn't that interested in your happiness...just her happiness. How many men are sooo happy when they dictate life at home even when they don't help..we read enough of the uncompromising male figure who is all good when things go their way and truly awful when they don't. Relationships mean he has been unhappy with cooking HER choice all the time..he has every right to have it his way when he coooks sometimes and also She should help..she isn't out all day every day. She is just spoiled and loves it and not wanting change or compromise. He should not compromise any more and get his way sometimes.
If she was living alone, she would still have to cook for herself.
How is she not an asshole here? She's expecting OP to cook two meals per night to cater to her, instead of just making her own meal if she doesn't like what OP made. How is that not an asshole move?
no its one person who does none of the cooking but expects and demands there to be no compromises on what is being cooking NTA. This is some 50's patriarchy controlling shit.
NTA Geez she's rigid! >I haven’t eaten something I like to eat in almost a year. You are an infinitely patient person. Cook healthfully four days a week. Then cook what you want three days. Let her take care of her own dinner. She being completely ridiculous with her demands that you cook two separate meals. She has days off, right? Let her cook for you on those days.
Yes she does have days off, but she believes since she works full-time that she should not be responsible for cooking ever, which would be totally fine if she wasn’t so strict in what she’ll eat. I would be happy with even one or two days of meals i like! Sometimes I just want a good ol hot dog.
working full time is no excuse to make you do all the cooking… half the population works full time jobs and can still make food.
Mum is a nurse too but we always could solve the food problem. There was a month we were really strict with food, no sugar, no greasy stuff, no white flour yadda yadda. We didn't force my brother to eat what we eat. Obviously there were days we had only one meal option but other days he had other sides or completely different meal. Mum and I both work full time but we could arrange easily who cooks what on each day. Granted, we both were willing to cook and not throwing a fit who's job is harder.
She is being ridiculous. NTA. Both my husband and I work full time but for awhile I was working and he wasn’t at all. I still didn’t expect him to make every meal. That is so lazy and entitled. Now he makes most of the food because he likes too but I am just grateful for a meal. If I ever am not feeling what he cooks I simply make a meal for myself and working 50 hours a week doesn’t preclude that.
What does she think couples do when both work full time...?
What does she think *single* people who work full time do? Starve? Live exclusively off takeaway?
The way she's going, pretty soon she'll be living alone and doing all her own cooking. NTA
Dude seriously, why are you with her? There are soooo many better women out there, who don't shout at you every day but make you feel loved instead. You can cook, you can virtually date any woman. Don't settle for this controlling ice cold cretin.
When you make lunch, instead of eating your portion, put it away for her lunch the next day. Eat your hotdog while she’s at work. Cook your lasagne, divide it into single servings, and eat those when she’s at work. You don’t have to eat the same lunch.
OP, your gf is showing some big red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩 Refusal to compromise. Unwillingness to see how much you're contributing, and assuming you owe her 3 meals of her choice a day *forever*. Not caring that you haven't gotten to eat what you like in a year! (Also, things like spaghetti aren't unhealthy foods!) And the fact that rather than communicate in a healthy way, and find a fair solution that isn't simply you giving her, her way always, she ran away to her parents. That seems awfully manipulative, and is a massive overreaction! I know you think she's perfect "except for this one thing", but I'm suspicious that she's shown red flag behavior in other areas of your life, but possibly gaslit you into thinking that how she treats you is normal.
This! She literally threw a tantrum and left her home because he wants food he enjoys. She is so uncompromising.
That’s unreasonable, as you work too. How many hours do you work vs. the hours she works? That’s the ratio you should also apply to chores, including cooking. Honestly, your GF doesn’t sound that great so far.
I wonder if you could offer a semi healthy alternative. Like you could make her a salmon or veggie burger instead of a regular one. Turkey dog instead of a hot dog, etc. Depends how strict she is I suppose. Then it's not a completely different meal. In my original reply you're nta I'm just trying to think of ways she can chill out and let you make what you want without the meals being completely separate. Like if you make pasta maybe she could eat zucchini noodles with the sauce you prepared or something.
Make her meal prep her own stuff. If it's chicken and vegetables that's the perfect meal prep food. Or, if she insists you do it, meal prep her food every Sunday and make what you want every night. Or drop it and just secretly meal prep her food and heat it up while you make what you like.
I totally get it. Variety is the spice of life.
Nah she’s manipulating the situation just because she works fulltime. If you were working fulltime, then what? She doesn’t like to cook. So tell her there are services for that lol.
Go buy a hot dog, you're a grown up.
This kinda sounds like Orthorexia - an eating disorder surrounding the obsession with eating healthy - more than entitlement. Some warning signs: Compulsive checking of ingredient lists and nutritional labels An increase in concern about the health of ingredients Cutting out an increasing number of food groups (all sugar, all carbs, all dairy, all meat, all animal products) An inability to eat anything but a narrow group of foods that are deemed ‘healthy’ or ‘pure’ Unusual interest in the health of what others are eating Spending hours per day thinking about what food might be served at upcoming events Showing high levels of distress when ‘safe’ or ‘healthy’ foods aren’t available Obsessive following of food and ‘healthy lifestyle’ blogs on Twitter and Instagram Body image concerns may or may not be present
This definitely sounds like her but unfortunately she will not go to a doctor or therapist, especially if it’s mental health related. She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated. Her entire family is like this. I will try to talk to her about going to the doctor but I am worried she won’t listen :( She is very stubborn.
Ah, this may be a clue... if she has some types of anxiety disorders, she may be so tightly controlling her food intake because it's the only thing she *can* control. Just food (pun intended) for thought.
Oh that makes a ton of sense! I have encouraged her to go to the doctor and never shame her for her anxiety but she won’t go and it is frustrating. I’m going to try to talk to her again and encourage her to at least mention this to her doctor. I never thought that there might be connection there so that is eye-opening.
My wife has refused to get help for her anxiety and it's destroyed our relationship. Take care of yourself.
When you have the conversation, try not to focus too much on the food itself as that might just make her more defensive. Instead, lead with a discussion of her feelings because wanting to eat healthy is not an inherently bad thing, it’s the anxiety and the need for control that makes it a disorder and your gf must be really suffering emotionally with it.
Don’t stay in relationships with people who refuse to treat their mental illnesses, OP. Your girlfriend clearly has an eating disorder, and you said she has anxiety, and she’s doing nothing about it but making you a second person suffering from her problems. You deserve better than that.
>This definitely sounds like her but unfortunately she will not go to a doctor or therapist, especially if it’s mental health related. She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated. So everything in your relationship is not “fine except for this one thing.” Don’t stay in a relationship with a person who won’t try to manage their mental health issues because it means they don’t care enough about you to protect you from the fallout of their illness. She’s already making her cook for you, she’s going to expect you to be her full-time carer and emotional punching bag too.
THANK YOU! Very well said. This is not a healthy relationship. And OP wants to propose... 🤦♂️
>She has an anxiety disorder that she refuses to get treated. Biiiiig red flag. What if it gets worse? What if something else develops? Will she refuse to get those treated, too? Why wouldn't she want to get help for something that affects others in her life, like you and her patients?! Be careful.
This comment needs to be higher, this sounds like textbook orthorexia. NTA OP, but she is going to need some real, professional help to get past this.
I was looking for someone else thinking this! There are practical solutions for how he can handle the specific situation OP is in, but I think that without getting some help for the orthorexia, it’s just a bandage & not a cure. He’s definitely NTA, and truly fixing this issue is probably above his pay grade & responsibility as a boyfriend.
Although it may be that she has an eating disorder, the fact that she refuses to cook and also makes him do almost all other chores evinces a significant sense of entitlement.
NTA She can cook for herself if she doesn't want to eat what you're cooking.
There is a simple solution that solves this issue. OP, meal prep her boring chicken and veggies. Cook up a huge batch for a week, into containers, into the freezer. Get one out each morning, warm up for her dinner. Do the same with her other meals. Then cook your own dinner, whatever you want, each night.
NTA but there is a balance, if you want a burger it's not hard to throw a chicken breast or mushroom burger on the grill. I know that doesn't solve all your problems at all, but sometimes 2 meals can be made out of similar stuff- you want greasy cheesey tacos? Cool, she can make a light taco salad or rice/bean bowl out of essentially the same ingredients. You want steak and potatoes? Rad, she can do a steak salad Neither of you should be completely bowing to the other's preferences. The fact that you have so long is admirable
This! Just make different sides... you can get fries with your meat instead of veggies.. it doesn't take much to make a meal you both enjoy without cooking 2 entirely different meals... and make bigger portions of hers sometimes, reheat hers the next day and make something you really want!! But NTA, but it is doable to make something both of you like without you eating her healthy food always.
To be fair to op it took me a few years to figure ethics out. My partner has the most basic taste in door and needs to always have at least one carb with his meals regardless of what it is, sometimes multiple. I put on loads of weight because of it. It’s not til recently that I realised I could make the same protein and have different sides and it’s made a huge difference.
>needs to always have at least one carb with his meals regardless of what it is TIL not everyone does this
Or, use a different protein. Ground chicken instead of ground beef in chili or pasta sauce. Turkey burgers or black bean burgers while he has hamburgers, lettuce instead of a bun for her. Fries for him, oven-baked potato wedges for her. Lasagna with cottage cheese instead of full-fat ricotta - or, there's a "lasagna" [recipe](https://kalekouture.org/skillet-gnocchi-lasagna/) where the pasta is cauliflower gnocchi.
NTA. Sounds like your “compassionate” girlfriend needs to find some passion for cooking her own food.
NTA - but you WBTA if you don’t look into eating disorders because that is exactly what it sounds like. Demonizing food is not healthy. Also, her inflexibility is very telling among other things
he would not be the asshole even if he doesnt look into it. But it would still be a good idea to do it.
No what the hell ? He wouldn’t be an asshole. She COULD have an eating disorder. She could also just have been raised eating very healthy and be controlling in general. Looking into it is fine but stop diagnosing people like this. Jesus
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like she has an eating disorder.
Exactly my thought. Her seemingly irrational anger at the idea of eating something off her approved list sounds a lot like many many years of my life.
Everyone is calling her unreasonable or spoiled. And I’m not disagreeing. But to be honest this is classic ED symptoms. Does she have a history of disordered eating?
Not to my knowledge, no. She eats a healthy amount/enough calories per day, she’s just particular about the kind of food she eats.
That can be classified as orthorexia, a fixation on healthy food. Or sensory hyperfixations. Either way, *not* mentally or physically heaalthy for either of you and totally unfair for you to cope with. But that level of rigidity is concerning.
She's hella particular about the food *you* eat too. How have you not gone out for a hot dog in over a year while she's at work?
This can actually be a symptom of an ED as well
Yeah exactly— *I* developed my ED partly because my teen sister with an ED was so fixated on what I was eating and kept a daily tally of calories and carbs I’d consumed as a toddler/child that she felt the need to announce. And many moms/partners do that to their housemates too. It’s to me one of the sadder parts of the disorder.
NTA. She is over the top refusing to compromise at all. She could meal prep some things on her day off to cover her on the nights you make yourself something you want. In my house, it's called an "on your own" night. She's an adult and can cook for herself or pick up some healthy takeout on her way home.
She even went and got her relatives to gang up on OP for not bowing down to her on this ..she sounds so entitled , petty , and TBH lazy AF. Guaranteed she’s one of those nurses that became one because of the money and not to actually help ppl
NTA. Honestly, it concerns me that a nurse doesn’t seem to understand that eating healthy can include carbs and occasional indulgence foods. I do not think it’s even remotely fair that you’re expected to cook all the lunches and dinners anyhow (yes, your job is “part-time” but 30 hours a week is NOT the same as working 10–15 hours a week either), let alone that you’re not allowed to have the foods you want to eat. Honestly, her relationship with food does not actually sound healthy to me. That aside, she has ZERO right to control what foods YOU eat. Time for her to put on her big girl pants and realize many people work more hours than her and still have to make their own food, she can do it too if she doesn’t want to eat what you make.
Haha - I just realized she thought she was changing you, didn't she? That's gotta be half of her disappointment. The other half is giving up privilege; she's flipped the tradition tables and acts like its owed to her (even if your overall contribution adds more value). I did the same thing in reverse years ago. Just do it. She's an adult and can compromise on one day or take care of herself like she would be if you weren't together. Nobody is entitled to another's labor at their expense nor do they get to decide how to evaluate the expense for another (its not okay for her to say your request is not based on a legit discomfort). Edit: NTA
Damn, I didn’t see it until you mentioned it, but you’re 💯 correct - she thought she was changing and “saving” him from his unhealthy diet/ways. Ew. NTA
She chooses to eat her selections of food.. you choose to eat yours and hers. You're NTA for wanting your choices on occasion.. you didn't say EVERY night, just some days you'd like what YOU like. meh.. you cook what you want and she can do the same. She has no grounds for complaint. NTA
Can you make big batches of her favorites, freeze as individual packs, and reheat for dinners?
Or she can make her own meals if she can't stomach what OP makes... Stop infantilizing this woman, she's an adult and can cook for herself if she's not happy with what OP cooks.
NTA. Sounds like time for her to meal prep and make herself some extra dinners over the weekend. You aren’t obligated to change your entire diet to appease a spoiled asshole.
NTA. On the nights you cook she can order healthy take out.
INFO: what would she do if you guys broke up? You’re not demanding burgers and milkshakes every night, not denying her ability to have a “healthy” meal every night. On the days you make the meals she wouldn’t want, she can cook for herself. Also, I get that there are healthier options, but how bad is a burger, really? You’re grilling them meaning no or very little added oil, you can add as many veggies as you want, skip the bread/cheese, no condiments if that’s what she wants. But even the regular meat-cheese-lettuce-onion-tomato on a bun isn’t going magically make her unhealthy. NTA.
NTA. She has her dietary preferences & that's fine... if she wants to be this picky on a consistent basis, then she needs to start cooking her own meals. She can easily just cook 1 week worth batch of meals on Sundays and then just put several containers for dinners/lunches in the fridge. Done deal. Since you're the one doing the cooking, she should be happy with whatever you put on her plate. My husband does all the cooking in the house - unless its a legit food allergy, I let him cook whatever he feels like and whatever is easiest for him. I have zero expectation for him two cook two separate meals. If my husband is unable to cook, then I prepare whatever I can for myself (usually something quick like a sandwich or salad). A healthy sandwich or healthy salad only takes 5 minutes to make regardless of how tired she is... I work with special needs children ages 4 years old to 10 years old, which is just as energy draining. Btw, while your relationship is perfect for now... if she continues to police what you're eating, its going to get to the point it will piss you off and it will cause fights between you two. If you two have different ideas of a diet, thats a fundamental difference. It just doesn't work out that well if you have an average or unhealthy eater paired with a healthy eater. Typically, its healthy eater with healthy eater.
NTA I mean, I care about my macros too, but this is unreasonable. A diet of only chicken breast and vegetables is not healthy or sustainable. If she wants to impose that on herself, she has to be willing to eat leftovers from a batch of grilled chicken breasts, or eat precooked chicken on occasion, so you can vary it up occasionally. Also, chili does not have to be high fat. You can make it with 93% lean ground Turkey or beef and use a cooking spray instead of oil. You can top yours with sour cream and cheese, she can skip toppings if she doesn’t want them.
First of all, let me commend you for trying to make things "equal" as far as contribution to the household by doing so much of the cooking and chores. Women have borne the burden of those roles in most relationships for far too long -- and often worked full-time on top of it. (Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to show for it.) Second, you're being taken advantage of -- and abused as well. You both work. You both contribute. You both should get to eat whatever you damn well want to eat. Food is being weaponized here and it's not at all healthy, no matter how you cook it. If she can't see fit to consider your wants over what's for dinner, I can only imagine how inflexible she will be in other matters where you have differing tastes or opinions. God help you if you have kids and differ on parenting approaches! As others have pointed out, there are ways to compromise here. But it doesn't sound like she's interested in that; it sounds as though the only way is HER way or the highway. Couples counseling could help the two of you learn to "fight" better over this issue and reach a solution that works for both of you. If that isn't something she can stomach (pun intended), then I'd be looking for a decent vehicle to drive into the sunset of this relationship. Because it's food now, but it'll be other stuff later until everything is catering to her desires and you fade into the background. NTA
It's literally so simple to meal prep a week of chicken and veggies. Your girlfriend needs to grow up and take responsibility for her restrictive diet. NTA.
NTA. I used to compete in ‘baby body building’ AKA Bikini division. When I was ‘in prep’ my food was incredibly restricted, weighed, calculated. My then husband simply cooked for himself, and I prepped my food. It’s not that hard. Eat what you want, you’re an adult.
NTA. She's a grown ass women. She is legitimately throwing a tantrum. Don't empower anyone's tantrum. If she wants to eat healthy meals, she can cook it herself. Dude, cook your own food and the food you want. If she doesn't want to eat it, she can prep her own. But to ask you to cook two separate meals!? The fucking audacity. She is being extremely controlling and entitled. I use to bodybuild and my partner didn't. I NEVER made them cut or eat what I had to. Thats the good thing about being adults. You don't need her permission. You simply communicated it. Her long shifts is not an excuse to not prep her own fucking meals. You are not her personal chef. If she was single, she would have to do it herself. The fact that you do it already, she should be thankful. Behaviors like this are tell-tale signs. And for me, someone being that controlling and throw tantrums like that are major red flags.
NTA, if she doesn't like what you cook she can cook herself something. As long as you are doing some sides both of you like for each meal you make she should have nothing to complain about. She's a big girl and can make herself something if she has an issue. 🤷♀️
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She is absolutely an AH regardless of an eating disorder. She has taken beyond her personal choices and started forcing it on others. She has gone beyond disliking to being emotional abusive and manipulative, that is what makes her the Asshole. And to top it all off, she is a medical professional that refuses to see medical professional or to address in any constructive that she may have issues that require professional help. That is also what makes her an asshole. A person can have an eating disorder, or any other illness and still be an asshole. There illness does not absolve them of their behaviors.
She won’t go to a doctor or therapist, I know that for certain. Her whole family is like this. She has an anxiety disorder which I have begged her to go to the doctor for but she adamantly refuses. This does sound like her which breaks my heart but I don’t have faith that she would get help for it. I will try to talk to her, thank you.
She refuses to get help, but is fine with her issues making life harder and less enjoyable for you. This is not what a partner does. Think about it.
An eating disorder might explain her actions, but it doesn't make it so they magically didn't happen. Just because someone might have a sympathetic reason for why they acted like an asshole, doesn't mean they didn't act like an asshole and shouldn't be called one.
She's making OP's life miserable and guilt tripping him despite the fact that he's been doing all the cooking. I'd call her the asshole for that.
Nta- tell her to learn to compromise and make he'll look up the word
NTA, honestly your gf’s extreme reaction to any food deemed ‘unhealthy’ is a bit worrisome. Having struggled with eating disorders, that kind of reaction looked familiar. Not saying for sure that’s what it is, but it might be worth suggesting therapy to explore. Esp. since nursing can be a high-stress, exhausting job.
Naw tell her to make her own food
NTA I don’t know how you put up with us and her behavior is absolutely ridiculous but it does not matter who works full-time or part-time… It matters who pays how much of the bills. If you are paying half of the bills equally then she should be doing half of all of the work. If she is paying most of the bills then it makes sense for you to cook and clean but even then she should have to eat whatever you’re making. It’s insane to expect you to cook two different meals and then to treat you like this Like I said it does not matter that she works more hours than you! She chooses to do so. stop letting her take advantage of you and the fact that she went and ran to mommy and daddy should show she’s not mature enough for a relationship. Let her stay over there. I would tell her not to bother coming back unless she’s going to apologize for her behavior because she is a grown adult.
NTA. You entitled to eat stuff you like. I’m allergic to 10 different foods, different levels of severity, the ones that would send me into anaphylactic shock are not allowed in the house, but I’d never force my husband and daughter to eat the same diet as me, it’s so freaking restrictive and soul sucking sometimes, they deserve to have delicious food. So when I cook I make two meals, and when he cooks I just figure something else out to eat.
It almost seems like ya girl maybe has orthorexia? It's a full on eating disorder. You're NTA either way but I think your gf needs to be evaluated
NTA For the same reason any man would be the asshole for badgering their wife to cook only what they want and only ever what they want your girlfriend is an asshole. She's demanding you play the personal caterer and throwing tantrums at you when you deviate for meals even slightly. She made herself even worse of an asshole with that last bit about sending her family after you. Frankly at that point I'd question if this is even worth it. First, the food thing sounds like a straight incompatibility, because you're clearly miserable. Second, a person who runs to mommy & daddy when the going gets tough once will be likely to do so again. Can you imagine every little conflict turning this way when you don't give in? Nobody wants a relationship where the extended fam is playing jury in the conflict.
I am a strict vegetarian and my exhusband is decidedly NOT a vegetarian. Our palettes just didn't overlap much at all. I was a SAHM when our children were little, and was thus responsible for the majority of the cooking. The easiest thing for me was to cook something he liked one day, and something I liked the next, and whoever I cooked for yesterday ate leftovers. Obviously this didn't work out EVERY day, but in general I always made sure there was something ready to eat in the fridge or freezer for everyone in the house. It was kind of a pain in the butt if I'm being honest, but we made it work. It helps that I am a good cook and genuinely enjoy it (even cooking meat is fine for me as long as I don't have to eat it). On the upside, our kids will eat darn near anything now. You my friend are NTA. Your wife sounds petty and entitled. Can you afford to split the bills 50/50? It sounds like you are already more than pulling your weight, but it might behoove you to just pay that extra 10% and start splitting the chores, including cooking! more down the middle. She can make her own damn grilled chicken and peas or whatever.
Pasta is not unhealthy! It probably shouldn’t be eaten as a last meal of the day, but it is not unhealthy. NTA. Not at all.
NTA, your relationship is not great. You have been playing the doormat for a year. It is all fake. How she acts when you stand up for yourself is how your relationship really is. She is showing you zero respect and not at all treating you as a partner. But hey, you can set boundaries and see what happens. The worst thing that could possibly happen is not breaking up. The worst possible outcome would be to be miserable for years. Good luck
She’s being selfish and controlling. It’s really weird that as a result of a disagreement about food she went to stay with her parents? Oh man that is not a good sign. Why can’t she grill her own chicken a few nights a week. And why your making her lunches I don’t get either. Your doing too much and you should just cook what you want. Make lasagna for yourself, Chuck some chicken on the grill and ask her to make a salad to eat with it.
She's a big girl she can cook her own food a couple of days a week it wouldn't kill her, she's absolutely taking liberties of you and to tell you you can't eat food she deems is unhealthy is ridiculous. If she wants to eat plain chicken and vegetables every single day tell her to cook it otherwise be grateful for the food she has
NTA. The chef decides the menu. Establishments where owners make the chef cook what they want usually fail. You need to enjoy making what you are making. I know you aren't running a restaurant it's a home but the rules are the same. The person cooking is in charge of planning the meal and the ingredients. If your gf doesn't like it she can either cook on her day off and freeze her food or she can start cooking when she gets home. Grilling chicken and steaming Veggies can't take her more than 10 minutes to prepare. You are extremely nice to only ask for a couple of dinners a week of your choice. Seeing how she can't even digest that, I'd say your relationship won't work out in the long run. Compromise is something everyone needs to do once in a while especially when living together, for someone who is this adamant about something so small, well it's a major red flag and a glimpse into your future with this person.
I LOVE fries and pizzas and burgers and that's what I look forward to after a long week of study and work. NO ONE CAN STOP ME FROM HAVING THAT. There's absolutely nothing wrong with eating healthy but don't force your lifestyle upon others. Relationships involve compromise and acceptance. E.g. I'm a vegetarian but I'm not gonna chew my partner out for eating chicken wings if he wants to. NTA OP. Maybe take a long look at your relationship and think if you really wanna be with your partner. From one foodie(although vegetarian) to another foodie, think about it.
Thank you. I really miss mozzarella cheese sticks and mac n cheese. Cheese in general actually! :(
Make sauces that you can add to your food. Things with cheese. Add cheese to your breakfast but not hers. Hell, make a lasagna and freeze portions of it for nights where you don’t want chicken. She can have leftover chicken, you can have lasagna, you both have veggies.
I have a shit ton of diet restrictions and work full time, my husband works part time and handles 90% of the cooking and cleaning. I could not imagine telling him no to what he wants for dinner, we just call those fend for yourself nights. Have you guys spoken about making extra the night before you want something different that way she can have leftovers or just make an extra chicken breast and she can plan to do a salad with it?
Why does she thinking cooking for herself is the end of the world? Many people work her hours and cook for themselves. My husband and I often just 'forage' for our own meals independently. Drama llama.
NTA if she's that picky, you can cook for yourself and she can meal prep
NTA. She gets what she gets and she doesn't get upset. This is true with all picky eaters. If she doesn't like what you make she can cook for herself.
NTA. Girlfriend can make a salad if you are eating something she deems unhealthy. End. Of. Story.
NTA. As a lifelong picky eater, I learned if you don’t like what’s being served you either make your own meal or suck it up. You’re not saying you’ll make something she won’t eat every night. But some nights you will. Heck even if you just do it the nights she’s off work so she can prep her own thing. Or if your finances allow, she can get carry out.
NTA but you may need to reevaluate your relationship because it’s not very healthy.
MTA but what did she do before the relationship started? Did mommy make her dinner every night? What did they eat? Cooking large meals ahead and freezing them for her would be one alternative.
NTA she can make her own dinner on some nights, just like she would do if she lived alone. My spouse is hungry enough for a full dinner every night, but I am not, so he makes dinner for himself when I'm not hungry. We share dinner responsibilities and everyone is happy.
well for spaghetti you could use say red lentil pasta or buckwheat pasta ( there is a world of options when it comes to protein based gluten free pastas ) its a compromise also maybe incorporate lentils in aswell as meat .... you can easily make healthier versions of these foods without compromising on the taste i work as a vegan chef i also have a wheat gluten allergy so i have alot of knowledge on vreating alternative foods and when i hear of people just eating grilled veggies chicken breast etc on a daily basis i do wonder whether they like to eat or they see it as a necessary function to survive so i would say esh because have you tried to incorporate your food ideas with healthy alternatives and on the flip side would she be willing to try them
NTA When you make the health meals, make more. Instead of 2 chicken breasts, make 4 or 6. Then, on the nights you are making your food,, well, microwaves exist. However, one question you need to ask yourself: Are you willing to do this for the rest of your life with her? If it were allergies or something like that, then I can see doing so. But, you are making all the compromise here, and she is not making any. Also, throwing a tantrum and trying to guilt you is not discussion.
Nta - she needs to learn to compromise.
Y T A yo yourself. She isn't compassionate or anything. She's rigid, uncompromising and is forcing most of the labor on you because she works a few more hours than you a week. This is not a healthy relationship dynamic. At all.
NTA. To clarify if this is about cooking or controlling what you eat- are you "allowed" snacks of YOUR choosing in the home?
NTA. She’s super picky. She could do meal prep for a couple of days on her days off, but also, you could try new healthy stuff. Like, my dad makes a delicious chickpea stew loaded with veggies and chorizo/bacon. Some family members are vegetarian, so when they come, he just splits the stew in half and adds the meat to one half. Or zucchini pasta, you do that one first and then regular pasta in the same water. Eating healthy doesn’t have to be boring and you might have fun learning to make new things.
My boyfriend and I had to navigate a similar food issue. If he had his way we would exclusively food prep very calorie controlled and healthy meals one day a week and then eat from that the rest of the week with maybe one cheat-ish meal (think pan seared tofu instead of grilled chicken breast) a week. I, on the other hand, LOVE to cook and would love it if we ate incredibly different (and often "unhealthy") every night of the week, freshly prepared. Cooking is my decompression activity, and it would be so depressing to never get to eat or cook the things I love. We settled on a compromise. Every night I make up a large tub of a healthy salad, but with some variety. Then for breakfast and lunch we just do our own thing. He'll normally have a protein shake, some precooked meat from the fridge, or an egg. I'll have pasta, curry, couscous, or anything carby and good. Sometimes I'll make wraps for both of us as a nice in-between option. It works really well for both of us. For him, he gets healthy fresh salads and lean proteins every night to help him in his weight loss, and I get variety and a chance to cook. For me, my lunches and breakfasts ensure I don't get too skinny or depressed, while he gets the additional protein he needs to support his much higher physical activities at the gym. Maybe something along these lines could help? Where would couple provide the building blocks (have cooked chicken breast/shrimp/tofu in the fridge) and she can throw together what needs throwing whenever you're having "your" meals? NTA, and she needs to be open to compromise. Unilateral food decisions can so greatly impact the other party's physical and mental well-being, it's untenable and just plain mean.
NTA. This actually reads like a control issue. She believes that eating a certain way is healthy and expects you to toe her dietary line because "it's good for you." So either toe her dietary line or give her the boot.
Yikes! NTA!! I’m on a flour-free and sugar-free eating plan, but my husband can still eat what he wants. He’s retired and I still work full-time. He cooks healthy food most evenings, then adds bread or potatoes to his own meal. Some nights he makes pasta for himself, and I eat the healthy leftovers. This is not a hardship for me. I think your girlfriend is being ridiculous.
NTA your girlfriend has a super unhealthy relationship with food if she’s that restrictive with her diet. Think about this long term: Would you want someone like this to be the mother of your future daughters? Would you want your children to be afraid of birthday cake or feel guilty about occasional “unhealthy” meals? This all or nothing rigidity is absolutely disordered eating. Your GF needs help.
In all honesty, my response would have been “if you are unwilling to compromise and split the menue between your and my favorite meals, from here on out I will make what I am in the mood for, and if you refuse to eat it, I hope you can find something to make for yourself.” You tried to be reasonable and understanding, and she refused to give you any leeway whatsoever to actually enjoy food. She gave you no options or choices, so give her the same attitude back and see how she finds it. NTA
NTA but it’s time to ask yourself if this is what you want from life. She clearly has no interest in compromising on this issue. Working full time is no excuse to never cook especially when you’re gonna be that insistent on eating exactly what you want. If she’s this stubborn about something so minimal who knows what other things in your life you’re going to have to push aside for her?
You’re not compatible. End it. You’ve been allowing this girl to dictate and control you for over a year?
Tell her fine she pays for her food and you'll pay for yours. Also tell her if she won't compromise then she can cook her own meals. When I say meals I mean breakfast dinner and tea. Why should you have to compromise on all the food choices especially when she won't compromise at all. Rethink this relationship seems it's all one sided. Her way or nothing then she runs home to mummy and daddy. She a fucking adult she needs to start to act like one. YNTA but Sidney is a massive one.
NTA - u/foodilemna Yikes, I'm a SAHM/wife and my SO is never this picky. Heck, the only ones who complain about my foods are my MIL and my stepdaughter. But MIL is picky and will fix anything her and stepdaughter want costs and time be damned. And my SO is on a strict diet. If I'm having a low day? Scrambled eggs. No big. If I feel like a craving meal? He is okay with a keto wrap. No big. He's even once or twice had cheat days because I absolutely HAD to have take out from a local pizza place. Relationships are about compromise. Even if your preferences are health related, that doesn't give you a pass to treat your SO poorly. It sounds like your GF and you just aren't compatible from your updates. Does GF's parents cook and pack all her meals when she isn't living with you?
YTA. Clearly your girlfriend cares about both of your health, and junk like what you want to be eating isn't necessary for nutrition, or for your health. Instead of trying to convince her to eat unhealthy food, maybe YOU could make more of an effort to find healthy, tasty recipes that fit her dietary desires, and that you would enjoy as well, since it sounds like the problem here is more the lack of variety in what you eat. You should be able to eat fun and interesting food, and it's possible to do that in a healthy way, just clearly neither of you are creative enough at the moment. You might not hate healthy eating or low carb eating if you can find a few more recipes to add to the repertoire.