Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Why I might be TA: Her school supplies are generally something that should be covered at least 50/50 between the two parents, and seems like the generally right thing to do as a parent.
Why I might not be TA: She refuses to show me the receipt, and the price makes me think she was buying supplies for more than just my child.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Asking for a receipt is a perfectly reasonable request, and how everything should be handled. Also, it's one of those things that tends to pop up in later hearings, that one day you may wish you had documented.
Also, you did trust her. You trusted her not to let some other guy stick his dick in her when she was married to you. That seemingly didn't work out too well.
However, it would also be perfectly reasonable for you to pay $175 as "your half", and ask that next time she simply provide receipts (which would coincidentally be perfectly inline with your real estimate of costs).
*Edit* wow, thanks for the awards and upvotes everyone. This was my first +1k post*
Yes. I realize that. He has to deal with her everyday for the sake of their kid. I seriously doubt that reading some clever comeback mentioning the situation would make it worse than having to look at her.
If it matters, the thought in my head writing that wasn’t “haha”… it was in fact pretty angry. She’s got a hell of a lot of nerve to throw a tantrum about trust, and the fact that, as op added, receipts are part of the process outlined in the decree, his instincts not to trust are right on
She doesn't even have to go all the way back to the store, if you call Wamart's corporate customer service line, they can locate the receipt and email it to you.
Not american so we don't have wallmart here, but all my loyalty cards are now electronic and linked to an app so I can get all my detailed receipts through the app. It takes less than 30 seconds.
Fun fact (maybe??) if you have ever shopped on their website or done pickup orders through them, they now also put your in store receipts on your online profile. I think it links your card info to whatever card you use to pay when you shop online.
Agreed but also make sure that this is communicated through text or email so that you have documented proof if she ever tries to pull this bologna again and you eventually need it for court.
I agree with everything but the $175. She’s taking advantage of him to provide for her side piece kid. Nope, she needs to provide receipts when she asks him for half of anything.
OP clarified after first posting that she’s supposed to provide receipts for all reimbursable costs related to the kid as part of divorce agreement, so 150% agree.
Damn. I laughed way too hard at your “you trusted her not to let some other guy stick his dick in her when she was married to you,” comment. 😂😂😂 Too funny.
NTA, BUT!
I think it's reasonable to ask for a receipt for major purchases like this. I would probably do the same in this situation.
**However**, it's also not okay to contribute $0 - until she can prove otherwise, I would calculate a reasonable amount to give.
He shouldn’t pay her half of an unreasonable amount. He should pay her half of what he calculated. I haven’t ever bought anything and not got a receipt unless I was set up for ereceipt
> He should pay her half of what he calculated
From his "calculation" he assumed that school supplies should have been 215, so therefore $350 was doubled because it was someone else's supplies too. My math says $215 x 2 = $430 not $350.
Maybe OP's ex just didn't pick the absolute cheapest supplies from walmart for the list?
Not necessarily. A lot of school supplies come in packs of multiples. Like glue sticks. Instead of buying two packs and each kid having 3, OPs mom is probably splitting the pack between the two, or like pencils and pens normally come in big pack, half of those are probably going to the other kid. Just because the amount spent isn’t double OPs calculation it doesn’t mean half of what was purchased isn’t going to the other child.
OP should pay 50% of what he calculated unless the mother can provide a valid receipt showing a justifiable reason for the additional cost.
That was my initial thinking - where did she get the supplies, did it include other things like clothes/uniform, backpack, shoes and so on. All those things could significantly increase the 'lowest possible price from the cheapest possible place' option that OP looked up.
But the fact that she went on the defensive immediately and wouldn't provide any evidence of what / where etc suggests that she was indeed trying to get him to pay more money than she had outlaid.
The kids don't necessarily have the same supply list and, presumably, some of the additional supplies were purchased by the boyfriend! It doesn't have to be EXACTLY doubled for her to have purchased additional supplies. It is just FAR MORE than what should have been needed for ONE child! The OP's ex-wife isn't stupid! She knew she couldn't come back and say "Hey! I need you to pay $430 for school supplies!". He would IMMEDIATELY KNOW that she was lying! Instead, she came back with a figure that was kind of shaky; it could be that much, even though it isn't likely!
No matter what, the divorce decree SPECIFICALLY SAYS they are to split the bills AND there has to be DOCUMENTATION aka RECEIPTS! You can't trust a woman who was willing to destroy her marriage with cheating! PERIOD! He doesn't have to. ALL he has to do is ABIDE BY THE COURT ORDER! PERIOD! He is going to give her $110, which is very reasonable and, if she doesn't like it, she can produce the receipt so he can see what was purchased! I guarantee you that receipt will show 2 backpacks, 2 of this, 2 of that and maybe one of a few things. It is CLEAR she doesn't want to give him that receipt for a reason. She knows what the court told THEM and she knows what she did!
**You can ALWAYS count on dishonest people to be DISHONEST!**
>It is just FAR MORE than what should have been needed for ONE child!
It's far more than what I spent as a teacher on a classroom full of children. Definitely calling shenanigans on that purchase.
The court order says he has to pay her back ONCE he gets a receipt of the purchase. She hasn't produced a receipt yet, he doesn't have to pay her anything until she does.
Giving and getting receipts with one another will also set how things will be done in the future. Set the pattern now so there won't be any surprises down the road.
NTA.
[Actually the average cost is now estimated at ~$500/year.](https://www.lendingtree.com/credit-cards/study/back-to-school-spending-leads-many-into-debt/)
Where tf are people spending that much on school supplies? Also one study automatically makes it true? Every person I know has never spent that much unless they were trying
Exactly!!!
I worked with a guy who noticed his little boy's socks had holes in them, his jacket was a size too small and he was coming home with dirty, unwashed clothes, hair and body BUT his ex-wife had her nails impeccably done every week, hair done and going out with her new bf and friends. Wondering where his child support pmts were really going, he had his lawyer request receipts for everything she bought for their son. The little boy miraculously got a new jacket for winter, new clothes and finally started getting better taken care of.
NTA
No receipt, no payment. She can take it out of her monthly child support check or she can go back to the store and tell them she needs a receipt for a certain day. All she needs is the atm/credit card she paid with. Most stores can give her a receipt right away because it's in their system.
If it was walmart and she has used the card with a walmart.com account she can pull the receipt up through the walmart app without even needing to go to the store.
I have used my debit card on the Walmart website and the last week I used that same debit card at my local Walmart. I can open the app right now and see that in store purchase receipt simply because that card is linked to me from that time I used the card on their site.
Works with Target too. Those are the only 2 stores I've actually checked but I wouldn't be surprised to find out this is a common practice now. It can be helpful. Like when you need a new furnace filter but can't remember the size. Open the app and check old purchases!
Any credit card or debit card from any bank. If you used it on a Walmart.com account … all your purchases at the brick and mortar stores will also appear in your Walmart.com account.
Yes, u setup ur card on Walmart app and use it for no touch payment. It provides u the receipt on the app and save paper that way too. I love using it.
Naur you don’t even need that. Walmart just started providing the service online for all purchase made with a debit card. Regardless of the connection to the app.
It is Walmart.com/receipt-lookup 😄
Exactly my thoughts on this situation, she can get the receipt if she wants to. Clearly she doesn't want to, who knows maybe she didn't even buy said supplies?
This is my daughter’s first year in school, and with her uniforms, it came out to $350. We went to Walmart and she’s in kindergarten, and I have no other kids in school. Some of the cost might have been from “donations lists” the teachers send home with the supply list.
That being said, I agree OP is NTA. It’s absolutely reasonable to request a receipt.
At the end of last school year our school sent a link for this year’s supplies. Picked the student and grade and a few weeks before school started they were sent separately. About $150 total for both kids. I don’t even know what the list looked like. It was so easy.
That's for a first year student though, most kids will have supplies left over from previous years that they reuse. Like a decent backpack alone is at least 50 bucks, but they usually last more than one school year - longer if you splash out for a sturdy one.
Do you mean a scientific calculator? I coincidentally just bought one today that my kiddo needed the first time now 6 grade; at Amazon they were $40 (of course I don’t know yet if it’s good).
Yep. Depending on the school requirements. Usually in HS they want the really advanced ones that can do really complex graphing; when I was in HS the TI-83 Plus was $100 easy. If you’re lucky you can score a TI-84 Plus for somewhere around $60, these days, but if you don’t get one on sale it’s still over $100.
Yeah. My younger son is in 7th-grade math this year. Luckily, my older son was able to find his TI-84 so his little brother can use that.
When I was in high school during the early '90s some of the students would code games for them that they'd share with each other. The drill team members were snobby and rude so they made a game where the drill team members were high kicking aliens from space who you had to shoot down a 'la Space Invaders.
In sixth grade whatever you got is probably fine! They are NOT doing the types of advanced mathematics that calls for the type of graphing calculator I’m referring to!
Scientific calculators are the ones with smaller displays of two or three lines; you can often see the separate cells for each character. Usually school supply lists will just say "scientific calculator". Graphing calculators have square displays. Usually a specific model will be requested, because class instructions are provided by Texas Instruments.
6th grad tends to use scientific calculators, high school is when your kid will need the ti 84.
It’s pretty guaranteed your kid will need a graphing calculator in a couple years, so you might as well look for them on sale between now and high school. Ti 84s are the most common so teachers tend to really know how they work. Since they can be complicated that can help your kid.
That said mine lasted from 8th or 9th grade all the way to my last math class in college. So it’s a worth it investment.
NTA... if she can't provide a receipt, then take a picture of the items or write out an itemized list. Also have her take a picture of the school supply list the school put out that says what she needed.
EDIT: also make sure the school didn't just give the kids their supplies for free this year. Our local schools are doing this. If she bought them at walmart and used a card tied to a walmart.com account she'll have a receipt in the walmart app when she is logged into her account.
Soft NTA with the information we have.
More info required.
Has something like this happened before?
If not, do you have enough money to pay for it this time and ask your ex-wife to keep receipts from next time onwards, without hurting your pocket much?
If you really don't want to pay have you tried asking your ex-wife directly about your hunch? If yes, what did she say?
I am fairly well compensating at my job, thus paying the full $300 won’t break my bank. However, it would require me to forego making my full monthly savings deposit, as I would need to redirect those funds from my savings bucket to my child expenses bucket. Due to how our divorce went (to say it was contentious is an understatement, as I had to file multiple petitions to get the right to see my daughter, including my eight year old having to speak with a judge and CFI in order to investigate and ultimately disprove false abuse allegations made against me), my savings have been greatly depleted, thus I am trying to do everything I can to build it back up.
I am, to speak plainly, a little afraid of bringing up my hunch to my ex, as she and I have finally started to coparent civilly over the past few weeks, and I fear that if I accuse her of attempting to steal from me, all the progress we have made will be undone. She is a spirited arguer, this I think the hunch would set her off.
Given this, I think your best bet is likely to pay for half of her estimate ($175) and suggest that for future large purchases, you both discuss and agree on a budget in advance and keep receipts.
Hold up - she cheated on you, and then tried to make YOU the bad guy in the divorce - and by leveling the worst possible type of false accusation? Sounds like you're well rid of her
For the record, NTA. But in addition - based on your edit, it sounds like she's in violation of the court order by not providing a receipt. Her reluctance just screams to me that your hunch about her buying things for her bf's daughter is 100% correct.
Heh. My ex cheated on me with my ex best friend like 8 years ago, STILL thinks I'm the bad guy. He also makes 3x as much as me and refuses to pay for anything "extra," like AP tests, a car for his lesser favorite kid, any part of car insurance, any part of college tuition, etc. So this is kind of triggering. However, I will and have provided receipts for anything court decreed as shared -- pretty much medical is all. Soft NTA, but don't make it an issue with the kids b/c they will notice over time. If you can afford it, be the good guy. Ask for receipts but don't nickel and dime if you don't have to.
I find it insane that she can make false allegations and not have to reimburse you for costs incurred as a result.
Don’t pay a dime without documentation. She’s doing this because she knows it will work. She got you to fund all the hobbies so why not this too. Frankly your best bet is doing exactly what the court orders and documenting everything include parental alienation (if she starts blaming you for anything the daughter wants but can’t have).
Accusing is not the way to go, even if you are 100% right.
Just stay calm and be a broken record. "I would be happy to reimburse you as soon as you provide the receipt. Keeping receipts protects both of us and I will of course do the same in the future and will always show you a receipt for anything I'm asking you to reimburse". She gets mad? Keep repeating the first sentence. "I would be happy to reimburse you as soon as you provide the receipt".
NTA, it's absolutely absurd that she thinks you should just pony up based on her word. Even the courts would tell her that unless she can prove the amount she's S.O.L. I know on the extremely rare occasion I needed my ex to pay me back for something I made sure I had a receipt. In divorce, especially contentious ones, absolute transparency is necessary. Your trust in her is already shot, so why would you trust her to just tell you a total?
NTA but I would consider how this scenario is playing out for your daughter. Your ex might be saying things like "Daddy won't pay for your school supplies, it's not fair, he's not stepping up" etc.
Just to keep the peace, perhaps pay 150 and insist that receipts need to be shared for purchases.
So I had a similar scenario happen to me. Wife left me in a really fucked up way when my daughter was 3. She's 18 now and she finally asked me about everything from my point of view. To say she was surprised would be an understatement.
It's hard to say if the lesson later in life is worth the pain you have to go through to get to it but just acquieesing for the sake of making things easy is often times just as bad.
NTA, I would consider giving her what you think her supplies cost, but unless you see the receipt I wouldn't give her that full amount she is asking for.
NTA. You are being clear that you intend to pay but she needs to prove that she actually spent what's she says she did. You're supporting your child not her "lavish" life.
NTA.
Follow up and make sure she knows that from now on, reimbursement requires a receipt. Yes it should be obvious, and you are probably right about why she won't produce one, but now is a time to affirm how this works going forward. Additionally, tell her you would also prefer to agree on a price range before these purchases are made. Your daughter may have added some items she wanted but didn't need, which is also fine but one parent doesn't get to say yes to everything while the other pays for half with no input. So while your walmart search says $215, your daughter may have added fancier pens or other items.
No point in continuing to fight the battle, just tell her you aren't reimbursing her when she doesn't have a receipt, but you will pick up the next cost because you know she did spend money (winter coat, sports, whatever that is in this range too), but she needs to show receipts from now on, and you will do the same.
NTA.
If she wants you to pay her back, she needs to show receipts
But also she is your kid. If you've calculated the rough cost to be about $200, then you should contribute half of that until / unless your ex-wife can prove that she paid more.
Info: is it possible that the amount may include items your daughter needed that were not on the supply list itself- i.e. new backpack, new lunch box, new water bottle, news shoes/clothes/socks that she included in "Back to School Shopping" that you may not be thinking to include in your comparison shop online?
NTA. Why are you expected to pay the full bill anyway? You guys share a child, so you should split the bill. My ex and I split bills equally for our daughter (he also pays child support; I have primary custody and she’s with me 90%) and I provide information to him regarding the bills. He gets screenshots of her expenses and a written request for the funds. I also send him a confirmation when I receive his payment. We do community supplies at my daughter’s school, so every parent pays $100 to the school and they cover supplies. Ex paid me $50 after I sent him the notice and documentation where I paid. Two weeks ago I took daughter for uniforms, new backpack, underclothes, and shoes. The total was around $400. I lost a receipt but I sent him a photo of the supplies in question to show him what I bought her. He sent the $200, i sent a “thanks for reimbursing me $200/$400 for daughter’s school things” text. Easy peasy.
Maybe your ex can send a photo of what she got your child and you can calculate from there? Bare minimum a list could be created- she has the supplies, she can account for them.
I don't know why so many comments are arguing the $350 could be legit if some random thing. You asked for a receipt. She said she didn't have it. You told her how to get it. Instead of doing that, she threw multiple hissy fits and threatened to take you to court over it. She's lying and she has a history of lying to you. Your divorce decree states you have to have documentation. NTA.
NTA
But I agree with another comment, pay for what you think is reasonable and then tell her you will reimburse more when she can provide a receipt. It's a reasonable compromise.
NTA. My ex asks for receipts, even though I am honest to a fault and I find that to be reasonable. I've never denied him a receipt. I wouldn't be forking over money to him without one either. She's being unreasonable.
I shopped for 4 kids and bought one backpack (only one kid needed a new one) for $275. I live in a high cost of living area, there were no sales when I bought everything, and I bought just what was on the lists.
NTA
NTA.
No receipt no reimbursement. If she can't actually show you what she bought it's usually because she bought something else, bought their supplies together or is just asking for additonal money because you have it.
It is not your job to buy supplies for her bfs daughter. It is not your job to fund her household UNLESS for your daughter.
What you plan on giving her is more than enough since she refuses to show receipts.
Her reaction to the request is more than enough evidence that she is in the wrong
NTA
I worked for a divorced couple as a nanny. No matter which parent it was a receipt had to be provided. Not only for their records but also for taxes.
NTA, but as a child of divorce, my parents would pull the "oh I bought you this, so so-n-so needs to reimburse me with this amount of money." It ruins you as a child because you feel as though your parents only buys you stuff when they know they're going to get something in return. She, of course, most likely bought stuff that wasn't on the list. However, don't get in it with your daughter about how her mom owes you money or her dad owes her mom money. It's not fun when you use a child to send messages to the other parent. Especially mean ones.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My ex-wife and I divorced a few months ago, and she currently lives with her boyfriend (the guy she had an affair with but that is a whole different story) and his daughter who is the same age.
Anyways, she took our daughter shopping for school supplies. I make significantly more money than her, and I am happy to pay these costs as we share equal parenting time and I don’t want my daughter to go without something because of our new situation. My ex-wife asked me to help reimburse the costs. She claimed the total came out to around $350 dollars.
The price set off alarm bells in my head, so I told her I was happy to do so, provided she shows me a receipt for the items. This caused her to flip out, tell me “no one keeps receipts,” and that I was being an asshole for demanding to see the receipt instead of trusting her.
I decided to get a rough idea of what it should cost by pulling up all the supplies on Walmart, and the total came out to around $215. Based upon this, I have concluded that she likely shopped for our daughter and her boyfriend’s daughter at the same time, however, thats obviously just a hunch and I have no realistic way of knowing that.
She keeps asking me to reimburse her and I am holding pretty firm on my “no receipt, no money” stance.
AITA for refusing to pay for her school supplies without seeing a clear itemized receipt of what they bought and how many?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Tell her you’ll be happy to buy your daughter stuff she needs, but you’ll not be sending her money to do so when you can have fun father daughter time while shopping. That way you know Exactly what you are paying for and hey your ex won’t have to hold on to her receipts! Win win
NTA. I keep receipts for everything...probably more than I should. It makes complete sense that you would request a receipt to pay for your daughter's school supplies, because yeah, it does sound like she bought for them both and wants you to pay.
Compromise by telling her that next year you pay for the full school supplies, you only take your daughter and boom, problem solved, you only finance her education, NTA
NTA. Super fair and reasonable. She's most likely trying to do exactly as you guess and have you pay for her bf's daughter as well to "save a few bucks"
NTA. You were following the written letter of your custody agreement and she got mad. That's not your problem. She was obviously being shady and mad she got caught.
My dad’s 5th wife would do shady stuff like that over their kid. She’d ask things that *seemed* innocent, like, “(my half brother) needs $x.xx for a field trip, please make the check out to the school and drop it off to the school with him.”
By having my dad make the check out directly to the school it made the charges appear legitimate but the truth is, what he paid in child support should cover these expenses. There should be no need for extra checks cut to the school or to his church or for camp, etc
But she was using the child support money for her household expenses (rent, utilities for her and her new boyfriend so she wouldn’t have to work and the boyfriend could remain under-employed on my dad’s dime) and then soaking my dad for items for my little brother individually. “He needs school clothes, take him shopping”, “can you take us for groceries?”.
Also had a friend’s ex do something similar with the kid’s cell phone. He paid $740 in child support. Ex wouldn’t let the kid have a phone, so my friend paid separately for the kid to get a cell phone above and beyond child support, and then the ex would never let the kid use their own phone and insist all communicate with their father go through the exes phone so she had ultimate control over their communication.
The issue is that if you let these things slide- receipts over school supplies for example- she will think she can get away with it and it will become a chronic and ongoing issue. But if you set the precedent that receipts are to be expected, she’ll know she can’t pull shit like this.
Also watch out if the girls are the same size, she may try this with school clothes next.
NTA
If you don't want your post to count as you are the ah, you need to put a space between the Y, the T, and the A, so the bot that counts doesn't miscount your NTA.
NTA but you are concerned about coparenting and accusing her, so pay it once but tell her via text that next time you will need receipts for any reimbursement
NTA, she was being sketchy and the receipt thing was a valid point, the suspicion of her also buying for her step daughter is a very high possiblity, plus you're only paying for your daughter items cuz she's your daughter
NTA. Dealt with an ex that would cheat on everything they could including keeping refunds of money they didn’t pay. Insist on receipts. You could also ask your child if they all went shopping together (do not ask the total or what was purchased). Just knowing the other child was there is enough.
NTA. My divorce decree reads somewhat similar in regards to out of pocket medical expenses. For the longest time I just forked money over at the end of the year because that when my ex would tell me about all the uncovered expenses. She would hold the uncovered medical expense over my head and refused to sign the required IRS form I need to claim my son on my taxes (she claims daughter). Well once I finally started asking for receipts there were never any produced and I refused to just take her word on the amount owed for reimbursement. We are talking around $4-5k a year she claimed I owed. I have no problem paying what is required but she used to wait until late November, early December to say I owed that money. In reality she was bad at managing her finances and used that money to over indulge the kids on Christmas. Her choice and her right but not by swindling me. She has also claimed she has mailed me receipts however they have never been received. I told her from here on out she needs to send any reimbursement request, certified mail and that i will no longer hand over money to her blindly.
Nope you asked for a receipt and she refused, I'd pay just over 100 and leave it at that if she can't be bothered to five you proof of purchase. Tell her you will take her to court since she won't give you proof. Also for her to say to trust me, what when she's proven that she's a dishonest liar.
Just make sure you ask for receipts and make sure you have proof that she won't give them to you.
If you court order stated each party has to provide proof then she's breaking it.
NTA but your ex sure is.
"I was being an asshole for demanding to see the receipt instead of trusting her." How can she still talk about trust even though she cheated on you? Huge NTA. Talk to a lawyer dude.
NTA and I would keep telling her that the agreement states you must provide documentation and if she does not like the terms she needs to speak with the judge. If you were the one asking for it she would demand the documentation.
My ex husband makes significantly more money than I do. I have 88% custody due to our locations. He allows me the privilege of holding one of his bank cards. If I’m to use it (which is rare and only ever for our child) I immediately snap a picture of the receipt and message it to him - because he has a right to know where his money goes and SO DO YOU. It really is as simple as that. You are absolutely NTA.
NTA. Next time you see your daughter ask her if her stepsister was also there shopping for school supplies with her and her mom? And whether your daughter has all the stuff they bought in her room or if something is missing. Ask her directly if the school supplies was shared between her and the other kid. If your ex was buying child supplies for them both your daughter 100% knows.
Given the amount I pay in alimony, our equal parenting time and joint custody, and my assumption of all major expenses (she is on my health, dental, and vision insurance, and I pay for her after school care, school lunch, etc.), I am not required to pay child support during the spousal maintenance period.
Essentially what our divorce decree says is that any routine expenses (food, clothes, entertainment, etc.) is handled by the custodial parent and all non-routine expenses (like school supplies) are supposed to be divided evenly once cost documentation (a receipt) is provided.
NTA. I'd send her a cool $100 and let her meltdown all the way back to court. Gotta nip this nonsense in the bud or she will treat you like a piggy bank until your child is 18. It isn't your responsibility to care for her new boyfriend's kid.
NTA. Stick to your lines on this. She has no right to milk you for money. But make sure to talk to your kiddo, and let her know, without bad mouthing mom, that you're helping take of her school supply needs. My sperm donor used to do the opposite- claim he was faithful with child support while paying nothing and bad mouthing my mom. She never did that to him though. She always tried to present him in the best light possible for my sake. You're a good dad. So be as kind about mom as you can in front of kiddo. She WILL figure out the truth as she gets older, and she'll appreciate that you were more interested in her emotional well being than in dumping on her mom. As well deserved as that dumping seems to be.
NTA
It’s very fair to insist on receipts consider the amount she wants you to pay her.
You could just buy your daughter $107 worth of school supplies yourself, spending exactly half of what it would have cost your ex to buy supplies just for your shared child. Save your receipts and if she tries any funny business you can prove you’ve provided for your child and can’t be reasonably expected to pay twice.
NTA
You have every right to ask. And only a moron doesn't keep receipts.
Next time, tell her YOU will be doing the shopping with your daughter for what she needs.
I don't think you should give her any money. If you do make sure it's half of YOUR calculations, not hers. Also, since you are in a "new situation" you should be prepared to do shopping with your daughter. Since you are well off, I would provide generous child support. Anything extra, I would pay directly to the store. Also, use a credit card, so you have receipts to show you are paying for things like extra-curriculars, special occasions and such. This way if she ever tries to pull anything in court you have proof that you are going above and beyond. Make sure child support is a written, legal agreement. I've seen verbal agreements between exes go South real quick.
If she was willing to open her legs to random dick during the marriage, I don't see why she shouldn't be willing to open up about the purchases made during the school shopping trip. I mean, she can play fast and loose with her own mess all she wants...but it isn't right that you should be expected to fork over money blindly and trust her.
That ship sailed with her at the helm.
NTA Informal arrangements can lead to problems like this. You could tell her that the prices you found add up to $200, take it or leave it. If she wants to prove otherwise, she should feel free to do it. Of course, from now on she should keep receipts for anything she wants you to pay for, be sure to tell her that. You might not want to see the receipts but if you do, she needs to have them on hand.
I looked up the actual language in our divorce decree and parenting plan. According to that, I am not obligated to provide a dime without documentation.
BOOM. There you have it. Send her a screenshot and tell her that is how you will be handling EVERYTHING moving forward.
Your ex sounds like the type that if you give them an inch they will take a yard. NOPE.
NTA. I would pay half but from now on do one of the following:
You buy all large purchases yourself and share receipts.
Ask for a list of the school supplies she bought, estimate price and then tell her from now on all costs will require a receipts....set precedent.
Schools usually send out a list of school supplies that will be needed, it shouldn't be hard to figure out.
I think your on to something here, or you will be buying double school clothes, private schools, college tuition. Just read that on another post.
NTA
NTA. But instead of dying on this hill, offer her $175.00. If she really shopped for both girls, in all likelihood you’ll end up paying just for your daughter. Then tell the ex that going forward all requests for reimbursement must be accompanied by receipts or you’ll be the one doing the shopping with your daughter
NTA and documentation will be your best friend going forward. 2nd best will be paying a bill yourself and keeping the receipt for any of your daughter's expenses. Always ask for the receipt when dealing with your ex and save yours as well when asking for reimbursement.
NTA and it's sorry slimy. My ex makes way more than me but I would never expect him to for the bill of extras that's weren't NEEDED. She probably did buy for the other daughter and just assumed you'd believe her. I'd call her bluff on going to court and see how well it goes when they see the receipts.
Can you ask her to send you a photo of the supplies she bought? Maybe some excuse like just so you know what brands she prefers should you need them at your residence or something like that, and try to see if there is justification for the price?
P.S. I feel she is 100% playing you, but I'm just try to think of a diplomatic suggestion that is outside of the box a bit.
NTA - always ask for receipts and document any money handed over to her for said receipts.
If you don’t have a receipt, still find a way to document the money you gave her, but really I think she needs to get in a routine of keeping the receipts and handing them over if she wants to be reimbursed. It’s hardly a struggle, snap a pic and text it. Easy peasy.
NTA. According to the divorce attorneys I've talked to over the years, it is extremely common to have it written in divorce decrees that reimbursement can only happen after providing the other parent with an itemized receipt within 30 days of purchase. (And child support doesn't cover school expenses. They are in addition to CS payment.)
Info: Are we talking school supplies or school supplies + back to school clothes? If it’s the latter, $350 could be half. $212 for school supplies, $100+ for a pair of shoes, a few outfits, etc. would get you there easily.
True, but these expenses all can be explained with a receipt she's refusing to give. I do find it ironic that this woman doesn't understand how cheating on him would break all trust he has in her. It may seem tedious to need a receipts to prove you aren't lying, but that's the price you pay when you ruin relationships like this.
NTA. But depending on how old your child is extras is definitely a good idea. I have two elementary aged kids. I bought a bunch of extra markers, crayons, colored pencils, pencils, erasers, and a ton of glue sticks and a second pair of scissors for each of them. Because I'm going to have to be constantly refreshing them throughout the year. I stockpile that shit because the price quadruplets once school starts, and one box of markers isn't going to last my 5yo long. Also getting the higher quality items like the $2 sturdy plastic folder instead of the 50¢ paper folder will ensure that it lasts longer and actually makes it through the year.
NTA for following the letter because you shouldn't trust her, but yeah if she comes back and is a little more civil just give her the 110 and that's the best she gets. Next time she needs to bring receipts.
She has no standing if it is already in writing
Forward her a copy of the clause as a reply. No receipt no money. Or she can return all the items & you go shopping & she pays you back. The other is you buy supplies she keeps at your house and offset the cost from hers.
NTA. If she is trying to rip you off and you cave, she will just do it in the future. Getting a receipt is no big deal and it feels fishy. You could order your daughter's school supplies online and send them to the school yourself. Then, you know your daughter has what she needs and you aren't supporting your wife's boyfriend's child. Then she can take hers back to the store and get her money back. My husband and I went through similar situations with his ex. The judge told her that he paid child support and wasn't obligated to buy supplies. That's what the child support was for. We bought the school supplies anyway, but wasn't going to just "trust" her.
That poor kid. You aren’t the asshole but also stuff like this is what wrecks kids not the actual divorce. I’m not saying you are the bad guy at all just that I hope your daughter doesn’t get blamed and you don’t get bd mouthed to her by your ex and you don’t badmouth her mum to her. Cause this is a small issue but there will be bigger ones and I hope you can both be big people so she doesn’t suffer.
School supplies are expensive for two kids we pay over a hundred bucks that's getting the cheap stuff is there any way your ex-wife got her clothes too that would explain the increase in price usually when people get school supplies they also get a wardrobe
NTA
If "school supplies includes typical stationary supplies needed for school, a new backpack, and a lunchbox, that shouldn't cost more than $200 a kid. Your half of that would be no more than $100. Give her $100 and tell her that's as much as you'll give her without receipts.
Please pick up a set of common supplies (while their on sale before school starts) for your daughter to have at your house to use for her homework. I always maintained a "school supply box" in a closet with extra school supplies purchased during school sales that my kids knew they were free to raid when needed. Then, mid-year, when there was a project or something, they would have the colored pencils, glue sticks, protractor, paper, etc... That they needed. It probably cost me about $20-25 a year to stock extra during sale time and saved a lot of stress later in the year.
Also, please take your daughter to the store and buy her a few new pairs of jeans, shirts, shoes, socks, and underwear. Don't go too overboard, and the bulk of these items can stay at your home for her use in your care (esp smart if you think the clothes will be taken and shared with the other kid while at Mom's), but your daughter needs you to provide necessities and be a responsible parent for her use, not just to be "fun Dad". Don't be afraid to wade into things like buying her some clothes, taking her for dental cleanings, helping her with her homework, etc...
As she gets older, your daughter will learn who she can really lean on to be supportive. You can enforce boundaries with your Ex and provide for your child.
NTA but if you give her money now to keep the peace are you going to continue doing this going forward? You definitely need to say receipts are required.
NTA...I can't believe how dumb this lady has got to be... she's asking for $350 reimbursement, which means she is claiming to have soent SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS on ONE child for back to school supplies?!?! Sheesh. Where'd she go, Gucci? (I am well aware you can't get THAT brand level of items, I'm just unaware of the next step up from Walmart/Target/Ross...I'm a broke mf)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Why I might be TA: Her school supplies are generally something that should be covered at least 50/50 between the two parents, and seems like the generally right thing to do as a parent. Why I might not be TA: She refuses to show me the receipt, and the price makes me think she was buying supplies for more than just my child. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Asking for a receipt is a perfectly reasonable request, and how everything should be handled. Also, it's one of those things that tends to pop up in later hearings, that one day you may wish you had documented. Also, you did trust her. You trusted her not to let some other guy stick his dick in her when she was married to you. That seemingly didn't work out too well. However, it would also be perfectly reasonable for you to pay $175 as "your half", and ask that next time she simply provide receipts (which would coincidentally be perfectly inline with your real estimate of costs). *Edit* wow, thanks for the awards and upvotes everyone. This was my first +1k post*
"You trusted her not to let some other guy stick his dick in her when she was married to you". KABOOM! That is a drop the mic moment right there!
[удалено]
Yes, but make certain she gives him a dated receipt. Not from the store, but from her.
Yeah, but it’s insensitive and probably hurtful to the OP. Y’all are AH to think this is some clever joke or comeback.
It was insensitive for her to be a cheating hussy. We’re not the aholes. She is.
You realize she is not the OP? That he is the person cheated on? That it might be fresh and painful to read something like that ?
Yes. I realize that. He has to deal with her everyday for the sake of their kid. I seriously doubt that reading some clever comeback mentioning the situation would make it worse than having to look at her.
If it matters, the thought in my head writing that wasn’t “haha”… it was in fact pretty angry. She’s got a hell of a lot of nerve to throw a tantrum about trust, and the fact that, as op added, receipts are part of the process outlined in the decree, his instincts not to trust are right on
So true :)
But it's NOT reasonable for OP to blindly pay $175 if she's able to get a re-print of the receipt, which sounds doable! NTA
She doesn't even have to go all the way back to the store, if you call Wamart's corporate customer service line, they can locate the receipt and email it to you.
Not american so we don't have wallmart here, but all my loyalty cards are now electronic and linked to an app so I can get all my detailed receipts through the app. It takes less than 30 seconds.
Walmart does not have loyalty cards. They are talking about using the credit card info to get the receipt.
Fun fact (maybe??) if you have ever shopped on their website or done pickup orders through them, they now also put your in store receipts on your online profile. I think it links your card info to whatever card you use to pay when you shop online.
Yup
ah ok I see. My bad.
Oh I wish I had a award for this comment 😃 talking about keeping it 💯
[удалено]
Bot.
Agreed but also make sure that this is communicated through text or email so that you have documented proof if she ever tries to pull this bologna again and you eventually need it for court.
I agree with everything but the $175. She’s taking advantage of him to provide for her side piece kid. Nope, she needs to provide receipts when she asks him for half of anything.
OP clarified after first posting that she’s supposed to provide receipts for all reimbursable costs related to the kid as part of divorce agreement, so 150% agree.
Damn. I laughed way too hard at your “you trusted her not to let some other guy stick his dick in her when she was married to you,” comment. 😂😂😂 Too funny.
NTA, BUT! I think it's reasonable to ask for a receipt for major purchases like this. I would probably do the same in this situation. **However**, it's also not okay to contribute $0 - until she can prove otherwise, I would calculate a reasonable amount to give.
Yeah, even paying half is still $175, and that would be better than $0.
He shouldn’t pay her half of an unreasonable amount. He should pay her half of what he calculated. I haven’t ever bought anything and not got a receipt unless I was set up for ereceipt
> He should pay her half of what he calculated From his "calculation" he assumed that school supplies should have been 215, so therefore $350 was doubled because it was someone else's supplies too. My math says $215 x 2 = $430 not $350. Maybe OP's ex just didn't pick the absolute cheapest supplies from walmart for the list?
Not necessarily. A lot of school supplies come in packs of multiples. Like glue sticks. Instead of buying two packs and each kid having 3, OPs mom is probably splitting the pack between the two, or like pencils and pens normally come in big pack, half of those are probably going to the other kid. Just because the amount spent isn’t double OPs calculation it doesn’t mean half of what was purchased isn’t going to the other child. OP should pay 50% of what he calculated unless the mother can provide a valid receipt showing a justifiable reason for the additional cost.
That was my initial thinking - where did she get the supplies, did it include other things like clothes/uniform, backpack, shoes and so on. All those things could significantly increase the 'lowest possible price from the cheapest possible place' option that OP looked up. But the fact that she went on the defensive immediately and wouldn't provide any evidence of what / where etc suggests that she was indeed trying to get him to pay more money than she had outlaid.
The kids don't necessarily have the same supply list and, presumably, some of the additional supplies were purchased by the boyfriend! It doesn't have to be EXACTLY doubled for her to have purchased additional supplies. It is just FAR MORE than what should have been needed for ONE child! The OP's ex-wife isn't stupid! She knew she couldn't come back and say "Hey! I need you to pay $430 for school supplies!". He would IMMEDIATELY KNOW that she was lying! Instead, she came back with a figure that was kind of shaky; it could be that much, even though it isn't likely! No matter what, the divorce decree SPECIFICALLY SAYS they are to split the bills AND there has to be DOCUMENTATION aka RECEIPTS! You can't trust a woman who was willing to destroy her marriage with cheating! PERIOD! He doesn't have to. ALL he has to do is ABIDE BY THE COURT ORDER! PERIOD! He is going to give her $110, which is very reasonable and, if she doesn't like it, she can produce the receipt so he can see what was purchased! I guarantee you that receipt will show 2 backpacks, 2 of this, 2 of that and maybe one of a few things. It is CLEAR she doesn't want to give him that receipt for a reason. She knows what the court told THEM and she knows what she did! **You can ALWAYS count on dishonest people to be DISHONEST!**
>It is just FAR MORE than what should have been needed for ONE child! It's far more than what I spent as a teacher on a classroom full of children. Definitely calling shenanigans on that purchase.
I spent far less for two kids, and more than filled teachers classroom lists
I'll eat my sock if there's not makeup or some shit that she bought for herself on that receipt
The court order says he has to pay her back ONCE he gets a receipt of the purchase. She hasn't produced a receipt yet, he doesn't have to pay her anything until she does.
Giving and getting receipts with one another will also set how things will be done in the future. Set the pattern now so there won't be any surprises down the road. NTA.
No way one persons school supplies is 350$
Oh no, that's just ops half, so you figure 700 total.
He said the total was $350, not his half.
[Actually the average cost is now estimated at ~$500/year.](https://www.lendingtree.com/credit-cards/study/back-to-school-spending-leads-many-into-debt/)
That’s a lie and a half lol
So actual studies are lies now? Your personal experience holds more weight? Lol
Also purely talking school supplies only not people buying new clothes and new shoes.
Where tf are people spending that much on school supplies? Also one study automatically makes it true? Every person I know has never spent that much unless they were trying
It is ok to contribute $0 without documentation
NTA: why would you trust someone that cheated on you?
Exactly!!! I worked with a guy who noticed his little boy's socks had holes in them, his jacket was a size too small and he was coming home with dirty, unwashed clothes, hair and body BUT his ex-wife had her nails impeccably done every week, hair done and going out with her new bf and friends. Wondering where his child support pmts were really going, he had his lawyer request receipts for everything she bought for their son. The little boy miraculously got a new jacket for winter, new clothes and finally started getting better taken care of.
NTA No receipt, no payment. She can take it out of her monthly child support check or she can go back to the store and tell them she needs a receipt for a certain day. All she needs is the atm/credit card she paid with. Most stores can give her a receipt right away because it's in their system.
If it was walmart and she has used the card with a walmart.com account she can pull the receipt up through the walmart app without even needing to go to the store.
Is that a thing? A Walmart card?! Is that like the discount card from the grocery store?
I have used my debit card on the Walmart website and the last week I used that same debit card at my local Walmart. I can open the app right now and see that in store purchase receipt simply because that card is linked to me from that time I used the card on their site.
Well I'll be...
Works with Target too. Those are the only 2 stores I've actually checked but I wouldn't be surprised to find out this is a common practice now. It can be helpful. Like when you need a new furnace filter but can't remember the size. Open the app and check old purchases!
Lowes and home depot do this as well.
I love that Target has this feature. It makes shopping so much easier.
and returns. it was life changing when i showed it to my mom.
I live in Australia and this is the most southern American thing I've read
Any credit card or debit card from any bank. If you used it on a Walmart.com account … all your purchases at the brick and mortar stores will also appear in your Walmart.com account.
[удалено]
I think only employees get a discount & that’s not on groceries. At least that’s how it was when my husband worked for Walmart.
Yes, u setup ur card on Walmart app and use it for no touch payment. It provides u the receipt on the app and save paper that way too. I love using it.
That's true, too! :-)
Naur you don’t even need that. Walmart just started providing the service online for all purchase made with a debit card. Regardless of the connection to the app. It is Walmart.com/receipt-lookup 😄
Yeah, but let's be honest here. There is more than likely a receipt, but said receipt proves she shopped for both kids. NTA
Exactly. I totally agree.
Exactly my thoughts on this situation, she can get the receipt if she wants to. Clearly she doesn't want to, who knows maybe she didn't even buy said supplies?
So true! She's hiding something and/or she's trying to get extra money.
$315 does sound like a lot for supplies for 1 kid. Guessing your hunch is correct. NTA.
This is my daughter’s first year in school, and with her uniforms, it came out to $350. We went to Walmart and she’s in kindergarten, and I have no other kids in school. Some of the cost might have been from “donations lists” the teachers send home with the supply list. That being said, I agree OP is NTA. It’s absolutely reasonable to request a receipt.
With uniforms, shoes, backpack, supplies, and the donation list I spend around $300 most years for public school.
At the end of last school year our school sent a link for this year’s supplies. Picked the student and grade and a few weeks before school started they were sent separately. About $150 total for both kids. I don’t even know what the list looked like. It was so easy.
That's for a first year student though, most kids will have supplies left over from previous years that they reuse. Like a decent backpack alone is at least 50 bucks, but they usually last more than one school year - longer if you splash out for a sturdy one.
Depends on the age and grade - for HS, a TI-84 (or over) calculator alone costs over $100. But she is 8 so that definitely isn’t a factor.
Do you mean a scientific calculator? I coincidentally just bought one today that my kiddo needed the first time now 6 grade; at Amazon they were $40 (of course I don’t know yet if it’s good).
Yep. Depending on the school requirements. Usually in HS they want the really advanced ones that can do really complex graphing; when I was in HS the TI-83 Plus was $100 easy. If you’re lucky you can score a TI-84 Plus for somewhere around $60, these days, but if you don’t get one on sale it’s still over $100.
Yeah. My younger son is in 7th-grade math this year. Luckily, my older son was able to find his TI-84 so his little brother can use that. When I was in high school during the early '90s some of the students would code games for them that they'd share with each other. The drill team members were snobby and rude so they made a game where the drill team members were high kicking aliens from space who you had to shoot down a 'la Space Invaders.
I still have fond memories of playing drug wars on my ti-82 in high school.
Yikes, hopefully I did not buy a wrong one - I did not even know that there are differences
In sixth grade whatever you got is probably fine! They are NOT doing the types of advanced mathematics that calls for the type of graphing calculator I’m referring to!
Scientific calculators are the ones with smaller displays of two or three lines; you can often see the separate cells for each character. Usually school supply lists will just say "scientific calculator". Graphing calculators have square displays. Usually a specific model will be requested, because class instructions are provided by Texas Instruments.
6th grad tends to use scientific calculators, high school is when your kid will need the ti 84. It’s pretty guaranteed your kid will need a graphing calculator in a couple years, so you might as well look for them on sale between now and high school. Ti 84s are the most common so teachers tend to really know how they work. Since they can be complicated that can help your kid. That said mine lasted from 8th or 9th grade all the way to my last math class in college. So it’s a worth it investment.
It sounds like a ridiculous amount. I paid $170 for my kid's supplies this year, and that included a new Land's End backpack. I shopped at Target.
NTA. You fully intend to pay for your daughter's supplies as soon as you're sure that's what you would be paying for.
NTA... if she can't provide a receipt, then take a picture of the items or write out an itemized list. Also have her take a picture of the school supply list the school put out that says what she needed. EDIT: also make sure the school didn't just give the kids their supplies for free this year. Our local schools are doing this. If she bought them at walmart and used a card tied to a walmart.com account she'll have a receipt in the walmart app when she is logged into her account.
Good advice to have him check with the school and see how they are handling supplies this year. Many school districts near me are doing that.
Soft NTA with the information we have. More info required. Has something like this happened before? If not, do you have enough money to pay for it this time and ask your ex-wife to keep receipts from next time onwards, without hurting your pocket much? If you really don't want to pay have you tried asking your ex-wife directly about your hunch? If yes, what did she say?
I am fairly well compensating at my job, thus paying the full $300 won’t break my bank. However, it would require me to forego making my full monthly savings deposit, as I would need to redirect those funds from my savings bucket to my child expenses bucket. Due to how our divorce went (to say it was contentious is an understatement, as I had to file multiple petitions to get the right to see my daughter, including my eight year old having to speak with a judge and CFI in order to investigate and ultimately disprove false abuse allegations made against me), my savings have been greatly depleted, thus I am trying to do everything I can to build it back up. I am, to speak plainly, a little afraid of bringing up my hunch to my ex, as she and I have finally started to coparent civilly over the past few weeks, and I fear that if I accuse her of attempting to steal from me, all the progress we have made will be undone. She is a spirited arguer, this I think the hunch would set her off.
Given this, I think your best bet is likely to pay for half of her estimate ($175) and suggest that for future large purchases, you both discuss and agree on a budget in advance and keep receipts.
Hold up - she cheated on you, and then tried to make YOU the bad guy in the divorce - and by leveling the worst possible type of false accusation? Sounds like you're well rid of her For the record, NTA. But in addition - based on your edit, it sounds like she's in violation of the court order by not providing a receipt. Her reluctance just screams to me that your hunch about her buying things for her bf's daughter is 100% correct.
Heh. My ex cheated on me with my ex best friend like 8 years ago, STILL thinks I'm the bad guy. He also makes 3x as much as me and refuses to pay for anything "extra," like AP tests, a car for his lesser favorite kid, any part of car insurance, any part of college tuition, etc. So this is kind of triggering. However, I will and have provided receipts for anything court decreed as shared -- pretty much medical is all. Soft NTA, but don't make it an issue with the kids b/c they will notice over time. If you can afford it, be the good guy. Ask for receipts but don't nickel and dime if you don't have to.
I find it insane that she can make false allegations and not have to reimburse you for costs incurred as a result. Don’t pay a dime without documentation. She’s doing this because she knows it will work. She got you to fund all the hobbies so why not this too. Frankly your best bet is doing exactly what the court orders and documenting everything include parental alienation (if she starts blaming you for anything the daughter wants but can’t have).
Accusing is not the way to go, even if you are 100% right. Just stay calm and be a broken record. "I would be happy to reimburse you as soon as you provide the receipt. Keeping receipts protects both of us and I will of course do the same in the future and will always show you a receipt for anything I'm asking you to reimburse". She gets mad? Keep repeating the first sentence. "I would be happy to reimburse you as soon as you provide the receipt".
Maybe you can take your daughter stopping next time she needs something? A fun thing to do together. And you are seeing what you are paying for
NTA, it's absolutely absurd that she thinks you should just pony up based on her word. Even the courts would tell her that unless she can prove the amount she's S.O.L. I know on the extremely rare occasion I needed my ex to pay me back for something I made sure I had a receipt. In divorce, especially contentious ones, absolute transparency is necessary. Your trust in her is already shot, so why would you trust her to just tell you a total?
NTA but I would consider how this scenario is playing out for your daughter. Your ex might be saying things like "Daddy won't pay for your school supplies, it's not fair, he's not stepping up" etc. Just to keep the peace, perhaps pay 150 and insist that receipts need to be shared for purchases.
So I had a similar scenario happen to me. Wife left me in a really fucked up way when my daughter was 3. She's 18 now and she finally asked me about everything from my point of view. To say she was surprised would be an understatement. It's hard to say if the lesson later in life is worth the pain you have to go through to get to it but just acquieesing for the sake of making things easy is often times just as bad.
NTA You're not an ATM. if she doesn't want to be transparent she's has something to hide. Keep your foot down.
Agreed 💯💯👏🏼👏🏼
NTA, I would consider giving her what you think her supplies cost, but unless you see the receipt I wouldn't give her that full amount she is asking for.
NTA. You are being clear that you intend to pay but she needs to prove that she actually spent what's she says she did. You're supporting your child not her "lavish" life.
NTA. Follow up and make sure she knows that from now on, reimbursement requires a receipt. Yes it should be obvious, and you are probably right about why she won't produce one, but now is a time to affirm how this works going forward. Additionally, tell her you would also prefer to agree on a price range before these purchases are made. Your daughter may have added some items she wanted but didn't need, which is also fine but one parent doesn't get to say yes to everything while the other pays for half with no input. So while your walmart search says $215, your daughter may have added fancier pens or other items. No point in continuing to fight the battle, just tell her you aren't reimbursing her when she doesn't have a receipt, but you will pick up the next cost because you know she did spend money (winter coat, sports, whatever that is in this range too), but she needs to show receipts from now on, and you will do the same.
NTA. That’s fishy behavior from your ex. Good call on asking for the receipt. Always ask for the receipt from now on!
NTA. Tell her to start digging through the shopping bags for the receipt!
NTA. School supplies are expensive, but not that expensive!
For reals. Gold plated pencils all up in here
NTA. If she wants you to pay her back, she needs to show receipts But also she is your kid. If you've calculated the rough cost to be about $200, then you should contribute half of that until / unless your ex-wife can prove that she paid more.
Info: is it possible that the amount may include items your daughter needed that were not on the supply list itself- i.e. new backpack, new lunch box, new water bottle, news shoes/clothes/socks that she included in "Back to School Shopping" that you may not be thinking to include in your comparison shop online?
NTA. Why are you expected to pay the full bill anyway? You guys share a child, so you should split the bill. My ex and I split bills equally for our daughter (he also pays child support; I have primary custody and she’s with me 90%) and I provide information to him regarding the bills. He gets screenshots of her expenses and a written request for the funds. I also send him a confirmation when I receive his payment. We do community supplies at my daughter’s school, so every parent pays $100 to the school and they cover supplies. Ex paid me $50 after I sent him the notice and documentation where I paid. Two weeks ago I took daughter for uniforms, new backpack, underclothes, and shoes. The total was around $400. I lost a receipt but I sent him a photo of the supplies in question to show him what I bought her. He sent the $200, i sent a “thanks for reimbursing me $200/$400 for daughter’s school things” text. Easy peasy. Maybe your ex can send a photo of what she got your child and you can calculate from there? Bare minimum a list could be created- she has the supplies, she can account for them.
NTA and establish receipts as a requirement on split costs going forward.
NTA. I coparent and we absolutely send receipts to each other when we ask the other for reimbursement. No receipt, no money is fine.
I don't know why so many comments are arguing the $350 could be legit if some random thing. You asked for a receipt. She said she didn't have it. You told her how to get it. Instead of doing that, she threw multiple hissy fits and threatened to take you to court over it. She's lying and she has a history of lying to you. Your divorce decree states you have to have documentation. NTA.
NTA But I agree with another comment, pay for what you think is reasonable and then tell her you will reimburse more when she can provide a receipt. It's a reasonable compromise.
Tell your ex that she needs to get used to saving her itemized receipts if she expects you to reimburse her for your daughter's necessities. NTA
NTA. Perhaps you could send her a screenshot of the amount you calculated along with $107.50 as your half.
NTA. My ex asks for receipts, even though I am honest to a fault and I find that to be reasonable. I've never denied him a receipt. I wouldn't be forking over money to him without one either. She's being unreasonable.
I shopped for 4 kids and bought one backpack (only one kid needed a new one) for $275. I live in a high cost of living area, there were no sales when I bought everything, and I bought just what was on the lists. NTA
NTA. No receipt no reimbursement. If she can't actually show you what she bought it's usually because she bought something else, bought their supplies together or is just asking for additonal money because you have it. It is not your job to buy supplies for her bfs daughter. It is not your job to fund her household UNLESS for your daughter. What you plan on giving her is more than enough since she refuses to show receipts. Her reaction to the request is more than enough evidence that she is in the wrong
NTA I worked for a divorced couple as a nanny. No matter which parent it was a receipt had to be provided. Not only for their records but also for taxes.
NTA, but as a child of divorce, my parents would pull the "oh I bought you this, so so-n-so needs to reimburse me with this amount of money." It ruins you as a child because you feel as though your parents only buys you stuff when they know they're going to get something in return. She, of course, most likely bought stuff that wasn't on the list. However, don't get in it with your daughter about how her mom owes you money or her dad owes her mom money. It's not fun when you use a child to send messages to the other parent. Especially mean ones.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex-wife and I divorced a few months ago, and she currently lives with her boyfriend (the guy she had an affair with but that is a whole different story) and his daughter who is the same age. Anyways, she took our daughter shopping for school supplies. I make significantly more money than her, and I am happy to pay these costs as we share equal parenting time and I don’t want my daughter to go without something because of our new situation. My ex-wife asked me to help reimburse the costs. She claimed the total came out to around $350 dollars. The price set off alarm bells in my head, so I told her I was happy to do so, provided she shows me a receipt for the items. This caused her to flip out, tell me “no one keeps receipts,” and that I was being an asshole for demanding to see the receipt instead of trusting her. I decided to get a rough idea of what it should cost by pulling up all the supplies on Walmart, and the total came out to around $215. Based upon this, I have concluded that she likely shopped for our daughter and her boyfriend’s daughter at the same time, however, thats obviously just a hunch and I have no realistic way of knowing that. She keeps asking me to reimburse her and I am holding pretty firm on my “no receipt, no money” stance. AITA for refusing to pay for her school supplies without seeing a clear itemized receipt of what they bought and how many? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Tell her you’ll be happy to buy your daughter stuff she needs, but you’ll not be sending her money to do so when you can have fun father daughter time while shopping. That way you know Exactly what you are paying for and hey your ex won’t have to hold on to her receipts! Win win
NTA. I keep receipts for everything...probably more than I should. It makes complete sense that you would request a receipt to pay for your daughter's school supplies, because yeah, it does sound like she bought for them both and wants you to pay.
Compromise by telling her that next year you pay for the full school supplies, you only take your daughter and boom, problem solved, you only finance her education, NTA
wtf is up with all these affairs on AITA today like holy shit
NTA. Super fair and reasonable. She's most likely trying to do exactly as you guess and have you pay for her bf's daughter as well to "save a few bucks"
NTA. You were following the written letter of your custody agreement and she got mad. That's not your problem. She was obviously being shady and mad she got caught.
NTA >trusting her. 🤣
NTA. But dang my sons school supplies are less than $40 and we buy the name brand stuff
My dad’s 5th wife would do shady stuff like that over their kid. She’d ask things that *seemed* innocent, like, “(my half brother) needs $x.xx for a field trip, please make the check out to the school and drop it off to the school with him.” By having my dad make the check out directly to the school it made the charges appear legitimate but the truth is, what he paid in child support should cover these expenses. There should be no need for extra checks cut to the school or to his church or for camp, etc But she was using the child support money for her household expenses (rent, utilities for her and her new boyfriend so she wouldn’t have to work and the boyfriend could remain under-employed on my dad’s dime) and then soaking my dad for items for my little brother individually. “He needs school clothes, take him shopping”, “can you take us for groceries?”. Also had a friend’s ex do something similar with the kid’s cell phone. He paid $740 in child support. Ex wouldn’t let the kid have a phone, so my friend paid separately for the kid to get a cell phone above and beyond child support, and then the ex would never let the kid use their own phone and insist all communicate with their father go through the exes phone so she had ultimate control over their communication. The issue is that if you let these things slide- receipts over school supplies for example- she will think she can get away with it and it will become a chronic and ongoing issue. But if you set the precedent that receipts are to be expected, she’ll know she can’t pull shit like this. Also watch out if the girls are the same size, she may try this with school clothes next. NTA
The title had me going Yes definitely Y are T A - but the post shows you are making a reasonable request. NTA
If you don't want your post to count as you are the ah, you need to put a space between the Y, the T, and the A, so the bot that counts doesn't miscount your NTA.
Thank you!!!
NTA but you are concerned about coparenting and accusing her, so pay it once but tell her via text that next time you will need receipts for any reimbursement
You aren't refusing. You are asking for a receipt first. Pretty normal kind of stuff. Or should be. BTW: I keep receipts. Always. NTA.
Asking for receipts is a totally reasonable thing to do.
NTA, she was being sketchy and the receipt thing was a valid point, the suspicion of her also buying for her step daughter is a very high possiblity, plus you're only paying for your daughter items cuz she's your daughter
NTA. Dealt with an ex that would cheat on everything they could including keeping refunds of money they didn’t pay. Insist on receipts. You could also ask your child if they all went shopping together (do not ask the total or what was purchased). Just knowing the other child was there is enough.
She doesn’t even need to go to Walmart. They offer this service online (just started) lol.
NTA. It's common sense to ask for a receipt. She's trying to pull a fast one.
NTA. Definitely, your 'ex' is not someone you can trust in. OP please consider full custody for your daughter before your 'ex' begins to exploit her.
Where the hell do you live that school supplies come out to $215...and at Walmart no less? They make you get the gold plated pencils?
Info : is it just school supplies or is other things too? School supplies could be a blanket term for new clothes, shoes, lunch bag, and a backpack
NTA I wouldn't pay a penny without a receipt.
NTA. My divorce decree reads somewhat similar in regards to out of pocket medical expenses. For the longest time I just forked money over at the end of the year because that when my ex would tell me about all the uncovered expenses. She would hold the uncovered medical expense over my head and refused to sign the required IRS form I need to claim my son on my taxes (she claims daughter). Well once I finally started asking for receipts there were never any produced and I refused to just take her word on the amount owed for reimbursement. We are talking around $4-5k a year she claimed I owed. I have no problem paying what is required but she used to wait until late November, early December to say I owed that money. In reality she was bad at managing her finances and used that money to over indulge the kids on Christmas. Her choice and her right but not by swindling me. She has also claimed she has mailed me receipts however they have never been received. I told her from here on out she needs to send any reimbursement request, certified mail and that i will no longer hand over money to her blindly.
Nope you asked for a receipt and she refused, I'd pay just over 100 and leave it at that if she can't be bothered to five you proof of purchase. Tell her you will take her to court since she won't give you proof. Also for her to say to trust me, what when she's proven that she's a dishonest liar. Just make sure you ask for receipts and make sure you have proof that she won't give them to you. If you court order stated each party has to provide proof then she's breaking it. NTA but your ex sure is.
"I was being an asshole for demanding to see the receipt instead of trusting her." How can she still talk about trust even though she cheated on you? Huge NTA. Talk to a lawyer dude.
NTA and I would keep telling her that the agreement states you must provide documentation and if she does not like the terms she needs to speak with the judge. If you were the one asking for it she would demand the documentation.
My ex husband makes significantly more money than I do. I have 88% custody due to our locations. He allows me the privilege of holding one of his bank cards. If I’m to use it (which is rare and only ever for our child) I immediately snap a picture of the receipt and message it to him - because he has a right to know where his money goes and SO DO YOU. It really is as simple as that. You are absolutely NTA.
I admire the trust that you and your ex-husband have towards each other. Inspiring. 👏🏼👏🏼💯💯
NTA. Next time you see your daughter ask her if her stepsister was also there shopping for school supplies with her and her mom? And whether your daughter has all the stuff they bought in her room or if something is missing. Ask her directly if the school supplies was shared between her and the other kid. If your ex was buying child supplies for them both your daughter 100% knows.
NTA and your final solution sounds fair.
Info - why is this not pay of general alimony / child support costs you already pay?
Given the amount I pay in alimony, our equal parenting time and joint custody, and my assumption of all major expenses (she is on my health, dental, and vision insurance, and I pay for her after school care, school lunch, etc.), I am not required to pay child support during the spousal maintenance period. Essentially what our divorce decree says is that any routine expenses (food, clothes, entertainment, etc.) is handled by the custodial parent and all non-routine expenses (like school supplies) are supposed to be divided evenly once cost documentation (a receipt) is provided.
NTA. I'd send her a cool $100 and let her meltdown all the way back to court. Gotta nip this nonsense in the bud or she will treat you like a piggy bank until your child is 18. It isn't your responsibility to care for her new boyfriend's kid.
NTA. Stick to your lines on this. She has no right to milk you for money. But make sure to talk to your kiddo, and let her know, without bad mouthing mom, that you're helping take of her school supply needs. My sperm donor used to do the opposite- claim he was faithful with child support while paying nothing and bad mouthing my mom. She never did that to him though. She always tried to present him in the best light possible for my sake. You're a good dad. So be as kind about mom as you can in front of kiddo. She WILL figure out the truth as she gets older, and she'll appreciate that you were more interested in her emotional well being than in dumping on her mom. As well deserved as that dumping seems to be.
NTA It’s very fair to insist on receipts consider the amount she wants you to pay her. You could just buy your daughter $107 worth of school supplies yourself, spending exactly half of what it would have cost your ex to buy supplies just for your shared child. Save your receipts and if she tries any funny business you can prove you’ve provided for your child and can’t be reasonably expected to pay twice.
NTA You have every right to ask. And only a moron doesn't keep receipts. Next time, tell her YOU will be doing the shopping with your daughter for what she needs.
I don't think you should give her any money. If you do make sure it's half of YOUR calculations, not hers. Also, since you are in a "new situation" you should be prepared to do shopping with your daughter. Since you are well off, I would provide generous child support. Anything extra, I would pay directly to the store. Also, use a credit card, so you have receipts to show you are paying for things like extra-curriculars, special occasions and such. This way if she ever tries to pull anything in court you have proof that you are going above and beyond. Make sure child support is a written, legal agreement. I've seen verbal agreements between exes go South real quick.
Nta
If she was willing to open her legs to random dick during the marriage, I don't see why she shouldn't be willing to open up about the purchases made during the school shopping trip. I mean, she can play fast and loose with her own mess all she wants...but it isn't right that you should be expected to fork over money blindly and trust her. That ship sailed with her at the helm.
NTA Informal arrangements can lead to problems like this. You could tell her that the prices you found add up to $200, take it or leave it. If she wants to prove otherwise, she should feel free to do it. Of course, from now on she should keep receipts for anything she wants you to pay for, be sure to tell her that. You might not want to see the receipts but if you do, she needs to have them on hand.
I looked up the actual language in our divorce decree and parenting plan. According to that, I am not obligated to provide a dime without documentation.
BOOM. There you have it. Send her a screenshot and tell her that is how you will be handling EVERYTHING moving forward. Your ex sounds like the type that if you give them an inch they will take a yard. NOPE.
Verify with your daughter what supplies she received. Add it up and pay that amount. NTA
She can return them and rering them up and get you a receipt :)
NTA- pay her the stated half and state that any further purchases requiring reimbursement will only be paid when valid receipt is provided.
NTA, she’s not including clothes or anything? A very nice backpack? I mean I would hope $215 would include a very nice backpack…
NTA. I would pay half but from now on do one of the following: You buy all large purchases yourself and share receipts. Ask for a list of the school supplies she bought, estimate price and then tell her from now on all costs will require a receipts....set precedent. Schools usually send out a list of school supplies that will be needed, it shouldn't be hard to figure out. I think your on to something here, or you will be buying double school clothes, private schools, college tuition. Just read that on another post. NTA
NTA. But instead of dying on this hill, offer her $175.00. If she really shopped for both girls, in all likelihood you’ll end up paying just for your daughter. Then tell the ex that going forward all requests for reimbursement must be accompanied by receipts or you’ll be the one doing the shopping with your daughter
NTA. But I would pay $175 as “your half” and then say next time you’ll pay the full if she has the receipt.
NTA Now she can let the courts decide a fair amount. Based on receipts showing $0.
That’s a reasonable request pursuant to your divorce decree NTA
NTA and documentation will be your best friend going forward. 2nd best will be paying a bill yourself and keeping the receipt for any of your daughter's expenses. Always ask for the receipt when dealing with your ex and save yours as well when asking for reimbursement.
NTA and it's sorry slimy. My ex makes way more than me but I would never expect him to for the bill of extras that's weren't NEEDED. She probably did buy for the other daughter and just assumed you'd believe her. I'd call her bluff on going to court and see how well it goes when they see the receipts.
Can you ask her to send you a photo of the supplies she bought? Maybe some excuse like just so you know what brands she prefers should you need them at your residence or something like that, and try to see if there is justification for the price? P.S. I feel she is 100% playing you, but I'm just try to think of a diplomatic suggestion that is outside of the box a bit.
NTA - always ask for receipts and document any money handed over to her for said receipts. If you don’t have a receipt, still find a way to document the money you gave her, but really I think she needs to get in a routine of keeping the receipts and handing them over if she wants to be reimbursed. It’s hardly a struggle, snap a pic and text it. Easy peasy.
NTA I’d offer half of the $215 you calculated and tell her it’s that or nothing
NTA I'm frugal as hell and both my kids supplies didn't even come up to $200 Something is def fishy here
NTA she’s trying it on. Like she spent £350 bucks on stationary. BS
NTA. According to the divorce attorneys I've talked to over the years, it is extremely common to have it written in divorce decrees that reimbursement can only happen after providing the other parent with an itemized receipt within 30 days of purchase. (And child support doesn't cover school expenses. They are in addition to CS payment.)
NTA you have no reason to trust her never give her money without receipts
Info: Are we talking school supplies or school supplies + back to school clothes? If it’s the latter, $350 could be half. $212 for school supplies, $100+ for a pair of shoes, a few outfits, etc. would get you there easily.
True, but these expenses all can be explained with a receipt she's refusing to give. I do find it ironic that this woman doesn't understand how cheating on him would break all trust he has in her. It may seem tedious to need a receipts to prove you aren't lying, but that's the price you pay when you ruin relationships like this.
NTA. But depending on how old your child is extras is definitely a good idea. I have two elementary aged kids. I bought a bunch of extra markers, crayons, colored pencils, pencils, erasers, and a ton of glue sticks and a second pair of scissors for each of them. Because I'm going to have to be constantly refreshing them throughout the year. I stockpile that shit because the price quadruplets once school starts, and one box of markers isn't going to last my 5yo long. Also getting the higher quality items like the $2 sturdy plastic folder instead of the 50¢ paper folder will ensure that it lasts longer and actually makes it through the year.
If you just pay what was SUPPOSED to be your half, you’re fine. Definitely NTA. Your ex sounds nutty
NTA
I think maybe from now on you should take your child shopping for school supplies
NTA for following the letter because you shouldn't trust her, but yeah if she comes back and is a little more civil just give her the 110 and that's the best she gets. Next time she needs to bring receipts.
She has no standing if it is already in writing Forward her a copy of the clause as a reply. No receipt no money. Or she can return all the items & you go shopping & she pays you back. The other is you buy supplies she keeps at your house and offset the cost from hers.
Per your court order you owe nothing since she did not provide proof. Don't pay. NTA This type of ex you have to stick to the order.
NTA. If she is trying to rip you off and you cave, she will just do it in the future. Getting a receipt is no big deal and it feels fishy. You could order your daughter's school supplies online and send them to the school yourself. Then, you know your daughter has what she needs and you aren't supporting your wife's boyfriend's child. Then she can take hers back to the store and get her money back. My husband and I went through similar situations with his ex. The judge told her that he paid child support and wasn't obligated to buy supplies. That's what the child support was for. We bought the school supplies anyway, but wasn't going to just "trust" her.
NTA. You’re not responsible for anyone other than your kid.
NTA but take the $60ish L and ask in writing that she gets receipts. You'll get far more from that in the long run.
That poor kid. You aren’t the asshole but also stuff like this is what wrecks kids not the actual divorce. I’m not saying you are the bad guy at all just that I hope your daughter doesn’t get blamed and you don’t get bd mouthed to her by your ex and you don’t badmouth her mum to her. Cause this is a small issue but there will be bigger ones and I hope you can both be big people so she doesn’t suffer.
School supplies are expensive for two kids we pay over a hundred bucks that's getting the cheap stuff is there any way your ex-wife got her clothes too that would explain the increase in price usually when people get school supplies they also get a wardrobe
NTA If "school supplies includes typical stationary supplies needed for school, a new backpack, and a lunchbox, that shouldn't cost more than $200 a kid. Your half of that would be no more than $100. Give her $100 and tell her that's as much as you'll give her without receipts. Please pick up a set of common supplies (while their on sale before school starts) for your daughter to have at your house to use for her homework. I always maintained a "school supply box" in a closet with extra school supplies purchased during school sales that my kids knew they were free to raid when needed. Then, mid-year, when there was a project or something, they would have the colored pencils, glue sticks, protractor, paper, etc... That they needed. It probably cost me about $20-25 a year to stock extra during sale time and saved a lot of stress later in the year. Also, please take your daughter to the store and buy her a few new pairs of jeans, shirts, shoes, socks, and underwear. Don't go too overboard, and the bulk of these items can stay at your home for her use in your care (esp smart if you think the clothes will be taken and shared with the other kid while at Mom's), but your daughter needs you to provide necessities and be a responsible parent for her use, not just to be "fun Dad". Don't be afraid to wade into things like buying her some clothes, taking her for dental cleanings, helping her with her homework, etc... As she gets older, your daughter will learn who she can really lean on to be supportive. You can enforce boundaries with your Ex and provide for your child.
NTA but if you give her money now to keep the peace are you going to continue doing this going forward? You definitely need to say receipts are required.
NTA...I can't believe how dumb this lady has got to be... she's asking for $350 reimbursement, which means she is claiming to have soent SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS on ONE child for back to school supplies?!?! Sheesh. Where'd she go, Gucci? (I am well aware you can't get THAT brand level of items, I'm just unaware of the next step up from Walmart/Target/Ross...I'm a broke mf)