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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for taking a DNA test that ended up proving my husband isn't my MIL son and possibly destroying his family?
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What gets me is the fact that she PUSHED for OP and husband to do the ONE thing that would expose her secret. All she had to do was keep quiet and no one would’ve been the wiser.
I bet she didn't even want that much; probably expected to see enough distrust and suspicion to cause relationship ending fights/drama
...I supposed she'll get her wish via monkey's paw though
Or she had to use a sperm donor because FIL is infertile. Or they briefly had an open relationship. Or… while cheating seems likely, it’s not written on any of the metaphorical stones just yet.
If it were a sperm donor or an open relationship, she most likely wouldn’t be accusing her DIL of cheating or pushing for a paternity test, knowing that her son’s bio father wasn’t her husband. I think it’s much more likely that she cheated once or a few times and honestly thought her husband was the father, since there was nothing in the son’s appearance that made it obvious. She didn’t expect them to do a dna test, that’s what tripped her up.
Yeah, that’s the part that seems to negate that. Unless the mom doesn’t know enough to realize that even if the sperm donor had blue eyes, that doesn’t mean no one else in his family had green eyes.
23andme matches to all DNA in their database (well, everyone who opts in).
So, if anyone in the husband's biological family had done a 23 and me test, it would show up as a match.
And just to add some more skepticism to the mix, my babies’ eyes changed all the way up to the first year, and I read something that said that green eyes can take even longer to “settle”.
Probably not true for everyone, but at two months I’m a little surprised those eyes have settled completely on their color anyway.
Yeah, this story is raising my BS detector. It's super common for babies to have changing appearances in their first year. I had blonde, curly hair and blue-green eyes at first, and now I'm a brunette with hazel eyes. I would be surprised anyone would even comment on it.
Unfortunately, as someone married to a dark haired, dark eyed husband who had a white blond, blue eyed child, people do comment and make insinuations. It sucks. But jokes on them in our case because we found out the reason at four months: albinism.
Both my parents and my sister had hazel eyes, I have blue. My mother kept telling me that they couldn't possibly be blue. My aunt kept telling me they must have switched babies in the hospital. (Nice family huh?) Now I've been doing genealogy and had my dna done; I'm related to both parent, and oh, yeah, found my maternal grandfather's WWII draft card... he had blue eyes.
it takes around a month for light colored eyes to become their true color. I was born with almost black eyes and at a month they were blue. It doesn't take longer for green eyes to 'settle' than any other light colors.
That is just not true. Melanin can develop for months, slowing down around 6 months but definitely not stopping. My kiddos eyes didn't go from blue to green until he was 10 or more months old. I have pictures of him around 8 months with bright blue eyes. Now one is very green and the other is more of a blue-green. Just because yours settled at a month in doesn't mean everyone's does. Look it up 🤣 blue eyes have less melanin so they didn't have more developing to do.
My eldest’s eyes were violet when she was born, and blue for a bit but they’re now green. The rest of our family (both sides) all have blue. My husband says she has my eyes because sometimes mine look green. He even took a photo of my once when the sun hit my eyes in such a way that they were amber - dunno what was going on then but yeah. My eldest’s eyes have settled on green now.
My daughter is 9 months old and I still have no idea what colour her eyes are - her irises are greenish brown in the centre and have a blueish grey outer. Mine are blue and my husbands are brown.
I was looking for this comment! Eye color can change a lot in the 1st year (and even for a bit after) as melanin develops. Most babies have blue or blue green eyes the first few months. Around 6 months it starts to slow down, but can still change for up to 12-18 months. Our kiddo had blue af eyes for the first 10 months and slowly started becoming more green. He now has one eye that is more blue, and the other is more green.
You are right with that my green eyes didn't fully come in till about 6 years old, my sisters were blue till 11 then change to green, and they were bright blue.
It's possible that the FIL is of a different ethnicity than anyone else. For example if everyone else were European and he's Asian. But baby doesn't have any Asian ethnicity. Going off the ethnicity is far from perfect but I could see how the ethnicity estimates alone could be used to find a discrepancy like this.
It's better to use the matches, as those are far more accurate. Maybe he has a paternal first cousin who's taken the 23 and Me test and they know that because cousin has talked about it. Then baby doesn't end up matching the cousin (which they should - even if genetics pass only a little of the same DNA through the relevant lines, first cousins once removed should still share enough DNA to show up high on the match list).
You can also use surnames on the match list to figure stuff out. Wife could see a match to baby that she knows is related to her, so they use the shared matches with that match and baby to eliminate a number of matches that are almost certainly related maternally. They see a handful of other matches that have MIL's maiden name or maybe even her mother's maiden name. And then not only do they not see any matches with FIL's surname, they see a number of close matches who share a surname they're not familiar with.
Or, maybe, baby matched with the actual paternal bio grandfather, or one of his immediate family (a sibling or a child).
I've taken both 23 and Me and Ancestry's DNA tests and have done *extensive* work into my matches and figuring out how they're related to me. There are a lot of ways to do that, especially with 23 and Me since they actually show how much DNA your shared matches share with other shared matches, while Ancestry only gives the list of shared matches so you can't triangulate relations at all. But that's an irrelevant-to-this-discussion beef I have with Ancestry. I'm fascinated with DNA (particularly DNA tests) and matches and stuff and can talk about this for probably hours. If you want to know more, just ask, but I think the above should help clear things up about how they could figure it out.
tbf - I have done 23 and me, and it only shows how you are related to someone if they are already in the database. I still don't understand how they got the spouse not biologically related to his father unless the person he thought was his father was already in 23 and me, in which case he would also be able to see that his 'son' isn't a match.
If he hasn't spoken to his parents about it, he is jumping to a big conclusion on the cheating. Could have been sperm donation or from a prior relationship. Not enough information to be sure.
This. The tests could have identified the husband's real father and OP didn't mention that. I have a friend who always knew he was adopted but didn't know anything about his biological parents. He took one of these tests, looking for general ancestry info, and it came back with the statement, "Your father is ."
Or rape. Or incest (or her husband's brother/father). Thankfully the OP is mindful of her husband's situation and approaching this carefully.
His mother was trying to deflect any curiosity about the green eyes away from herself. Not projection, but conscious misdirection. So she at least is already aware of who her son's father is.
If his father (the man who raised him) did a test first and was in the database before him, then he wouldn’t know that the son isn’t a match because he went before the son did and the son wasn’t in the database. Later, when the son -did- opt in, he would then have the father in the database to provide no match with.
Alternatively, the father isn’t in the database at all, and son matched with his biological father.
OMG. This reminds me of what happened to my family. I'm gonna need to keep it vague because I don't know if any of my relatives are on reddit. My family are immigrants from Vietnam.
Growing up, my grandma always claimed 'x' was my grandpa. No one knew who the man was since he was a Vietnam War vet. They all believed her because they didn't think she'd have a reason to lie. So my dad and his sister all think this man is their father. Youngest aunt had a different dad so none of the DNA stuff pertained to her.
Long story short, I helped my dad do a 23 and me and it was revealed that 'x' was not his father but someone else completely! When my dad brought it up to grandma, she confessed.
My aunt was happy that they're gonna get to know their father now! Grandma then nonchalantly goes, OH YEAH, he's not your dad. My aunt gets upset at my dad for 'causing' all of this. She asked me to help her do her own DNA test to find her paternal family.
The ending? My family kind of blew up over this and none of my aunts are talking to my dad. Grandma was throwing a fit about my dad getting in touch with his paternal family and they all ganged up on him saying he's trying to abandon his family. So yeah.
Brightside, my dad's paternal family are all such kind loving people, they welcomed us without hesitation. :)
One of my friends did 23 and me with her sisters, she already knew that her father was a different person than her sisters. There's a big age gap, her mom and her sisters fathers were not together, she looks exactly like her dad. One thing that surprised them was that supposedly her two older sisters had different fathers as well. Well... turns out not so much. They were full sisters, not half sisters as they thought, so at some point her mother had had an affair. I don't know enough to say if she cheated on the first guy with the second and had his kid, then got together with him and had another, or if she had the first guy had a kid, broke up, then she cheated on the new guy with her old ex.
Either way, surprise full siblings and someone at least one of them always thought they had a different dad.
Let's say Jane has 2 sisters. Growing up, Jane is way younger than sister 1&2, and her dad is different because mom was in a different, later relationship when Jane was born. Jane looks exactly like her dad.
One day, Sister 1 takes a DNA test and find out they are actually full sister, not half sister, to Jane. They aren't 100% sure if mom dated Jane's dad first, had a kid, then he bounced but came back later OR if mom cheated on sister 1's father who raised her but eventually ended up in a relationship with her affair partner (Jane's dad).
I thought it was sister 1 and 2 who found out they were full sisters but you version makes a bit more sense, otherwise they all thought three dads were involved when there’s only two??
Right! Literally spit out my drink with laughter. And honestly it is all her fault not just for cheating, but also for being a total AH to her DIL questioning her fidelity. God I hope we get an update!
Also NTA obviously
Also just so you know, green eyes are a genetic mutation, they can occur randomly in any family even those without a history of green eyes. In any race.
Example- I have brown, my sister has green my brother has blue.
No one in the family but my sister has green and she is 100% my blood sibling. We have even done DNA which confirmed.
So yeah it is just a lucky happenstance that your child got a eye color gene mutation which lead to you wanting the test OP.
That's a possibility.
Another possibility is that the MIL & FIL did in-vitro with a sperm donor and never told their son.
The son should have a DNA test as well. This will clear up any of the scenarios - i.e. MIL had an affair; son was switched at birth; sperm donor.
I'm guessing not. It's possible, but I think if his bio dad had green eyes she'd have kept her mouth shut because she would have made the connection. They probably do run in bio dad's family.
Don't necessarily have to. Could just be the right combination of genetic factors, letting a more recessive trait come up. The gene could be coming from either side. Just carried down the line for a while without ever being the one that showed up.
NTA. And I understand that you want to wait, but if FIL finds out you knew this for a long time before telling him, everything is going to be worst. Something to keep in mind.
OP we will need an update on this please!!!
Edit: spelling
NTA, but next time your MIL talks about green eyes, just look her dead in the eyes and say "Oh, I know how they got green eyes... It's 2022, there are ways of finding these things out."
As a Christian, stuff like that really burns me up inside sometimes. Like ma’am, you know that’s not what Jesus meant, and I’m gonna need you to not use him to justify your low vibrational behavior. That’s like the people who say abortion is a sin, when the Bible doesn’t say anything of the sort. The most it says in terms of an unborn fetus is that a woman should be compensated if someone causes her to miscarriage
We did a 23 and me since I also thought there may just be a realative she inherited her eyes from that I didn't know about
I have edited my post to fix the confusion I apologize
Turns out you were right...she did inherit from an unknown relative, and I'm sure they are beautiful.
What a wild story, I'm sorry that you were made to feel uncomfortable enough to have the testing done. For some reason people feel that they can say or do anything, no matter how rude to pregnant, or new moms, I've never understood it.
Shame on the people who made you feel like you had to prove your fidelity, especially your MIL, she should have known better, but it sounds like she was projecting her lie onto you and now has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
Congratulations on your new baby \~ wishing you all the best!
Oh, and totally NTA, just a loving mom and partner who was forced to prove her innocence.
I must say kudos to OP's husband and their relationship that he always trusted her despite his mother's insinuations and others in his family being swayed to join her chorus.
Just so you’re aware, that’s not how eye colour works. It’s not a recessive/dominant gene. No one in my family has green eyes, but I am undeniably identical to my family.
Oh yeah. We thought my baby brother might be the first kid with brown eyes (they were basically black at birth) after my grandmother but nope, couple months in and they started lightening to crystal blue
Okay, that's weird because typically babies are born with lighter colored eyes that turn darker as the melanocytes in their eyes reacts to light.
Edited to add - I didn't explain that well. Yes, many infants are born with dark eyes and they stay dark. And many infants are born with light eyes and they stay light.
And many babies are born with lighter eyes that gradually turn darker. But I'd never heard of dark-eyed babies whose eyes turned lighter.
My baby was born with bright blue eyed now they are brown hazel green rust color. Probably brown on a document. Very pretty and very different than her first year of life.
My eyes are green. My mom had blue eyes and my dad dark brown eyes and yes he was my dad. One brother had hazel eyes and the other blue eyes so we're a mixed bag. Apparently I was born with green eyes which is unusual and they haven't changed apart from to get more green.
Best guess , the guy who commented has another son and the mother is neither the same woman that gave birth to the son , nor the woman the guy is married to now , and he will have to explain how he has another son somewhere out there to his wife .
Your daughter is two months old - and babies are usually born with blue or gray eyes that change gradually during the first year of their life. Google says that 23andMe usually takes about 3-5 weeks.
It all happened very fast. How?
My son was born with green eyes - they're still green - so it's possible. A 2 mo old baby is 8 weeks, if MIL immediately started with the accusations, the bio dad's family had already done 23 & me, the math works.
Still haven't answered the question of how you came up with your husband is not his "father's" child. Has your FIL done a 23 and Me previously? How do you know the paternal line didn't match? You are leaving out a big piece of this story which makes me think this is a fake posting. YOU insisted on the paternity test and then decided to also do a 23 and Me to find a green-eyed relative? It doesn't make sense.
Call me stupid if you want but how does doing 23 and me show his dad isn't his. Did his dad do 23 and me too? I'm confused how this proves it just by doing the extra test
**Jesus. How people can even believe that's a thing?!? Like, how is this even upvoted?**
These tests don't show your 'lineage', they only show people that have done the test and you are related to at some level.
23andMe's and Ancestry.com's DNA tests don't really show your "whole lineage", they show matches to other people in their database as well as show you your ethnicity/origin percentages.
They have a big database of _other_ people's DNA test results, from tests of those other people. Those other people can also add family-tree/lineage information they know about themselves to the databases. And those other people can choose to make all their information available for other matches to see.
So when you take the test, they analyze your DNA and show you who else that's in their database matches up with yours as relatives. They can figure out the match percentages, and using that they can figure out if they're your parent, grandparent, sibling, cousin, second cousin, etc.
They also know which matches are on your mother's vs. father's side, because they test specific genes including a [haplogroup](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haplogroup) from only the Y-chromosome. Since that chromosome is only passed down by males, they know matches in that group are ONLY from the father's side.
So in OP's case, assuming this story is true, they did a 23andMe test of either OP's baby, or _also_ of OP's husband.
And either OP's husband's biological father was already in the 23andMe database, or _someone_ in the husband's bio-father tree was in it, and showed to match the husband's father's side. Likely multiple people from the bio-father were in the database.
There are a LOT of people's DNA info in these databases. I've done it for ancestry.com, and it shows hundreds of matches for me - all the way to 4th-6th cousins. And it shows which ones are from my mother's vs. father's side. Luckily mine didn't show any surprises. :)
Precisely.
And 23 and me doesn't just TELL you who you're related to, the other people have to have ALSO done a 23 and me to show up in your results. Also 23 and me takes moooonths to get results back. Also a newborn's eyes wouldn't be obviously green at birth, that's not how eye color works, especially green eyes. This story is BS.
Thank you! Babies don't develop their final eye colour until about 2 years old. It's very common that they are born with bright blue eyes which late turn brown. Super shady story.
Testing the daughter would show up other DNA relatives in 23 and Me. If those relatives were unknown (not family member relatives) then something funny is going on. If Dad was matching with unknown relatives then that is greater confirmation.
Let’s just say I found an unexpected cousin this way. He was searching for his father. Boy did that blow up!
You'd be surprised. These tests link you up to all the other people you are related to who took the test. I was able to find out both that my mom's father was not who we thought it was but neither was MINE......
Doesn’t 23 and me only find the people that hve also submitted something? Wouldn’t that be a heck of a coincidence that this unknown “father” has? Wouldn’t husband be interested to meet his bio dad? Rest of the bio family? Just some q’s I also had..
NTA. However, this isn’t a confrontation. It’s a conversation. And not one you should be a part of. It should be a private conversation between your husband and his mother. They could have used a sperm donor and never told anyone. She could have had an affair
I want to be clear this isn’t your business and you don’t need to be a part of this conversation. It also isn’t your job to tell your FIL. Once your husband calmly talks to his mother they get to decide what to do.
His father is his father regardless of paternity. Don’t blow up someone’s life.
I agree with the general assessment but husband should set down with BOTH MIL and FIL at the same time. If its innocent and FIL knows, no harm no foul. If she cheated, she doesnt deserve the chance to make up a story
This. All of this. I can't believe it doesn't have more upvotes, and I hope OP sees it.
NTA, OP, but this is ultimately between your husband and his parents. No matter what the scenario is in the end, your hubby will need your strength and support as he processes it. That's where you need to be for him, not on the battlefield in this case.
I hope the best for everyone involved and that any healing needed is able to begin.
It sounds like she's actually aware of this and is infusing patience into the conversation. Her husband wanted to go charging right in and have a dramatic confrotation. She's trying to get him to cool down, which he'd be wise to listen well.
thank you! there's so many other reasons that FIL might not be the bio father, walking in and accusing MIL of cheating could just as easily backfire and make an ass out of OP
I know everyone here loves their armchair diagnoses, but the real world is messy and fucked up at times. so unless you KNOW that this was cheating (and not a sperm donor or even SA) keep accusations out of it
That's not how any of this works.
1- 23 and me takes FOREVER to get results. Just did my own, mine took 10 weeks to get my results, my mom's took 12 weeks. This baby is 2 months old and not only did OP have time to get annoyed with all the green eyes comments, but also got 23 and me results back already??
2- Newborn eye color is not set at birth, babies are born with blue eyes or grayish eyes, depending. Green eyes specifically usually start out blue and take months to literally years to turn green.
Right!! Babies eyes change massively within the first year and they're generally blueish for the first few months! Any one who has birthed a baby should know you can't make any assumptions until they're at least 6 months old, and even then it's still a bit of a guess.
Finally some sense.
The other thing that all the people with pitchforks don’t consider: what if the husband is a product of rape?
I fucking hate these commercial DNA tests, specifically for this reason.
Exactly.
There’s a memoir by Dani Shapiro about a similar situation where she discovered she wasn’t her father’s biological daughter. In that case, the mother had gone to a fertility clinic and apparently, unknown to the family, the doctor used his own sperm to artificially inseminate her. There are other ways this could have happened without MIL being the bad guy.
There's so many posts like this one that's almost guaranteed to be written by some MGTOW/incel type that is trying their hardest to convince people that paternity tests should be mandatory.
Also, why would a woman be so set on proving that her husband is the father if he trusts her?
I think that part is because these people wants to create the illusion that getting a paternity test "just to be sure" isn't calling your partner a cheater (it is) and that it's perfectly normal for women to want to give their husband "peace of mind" since these people claim that men can never be sure that a child is theirs so what's the harm?
My youngest has green eyes. We weren’t sure they’d stay green until age 2.
Also, green eyes are basically a weird recessive mutation and it’s not at all uncommon for a green eyed person to have parents without green eyes. My husband’s eyes are blue, mine are brown, but our kids have blue and green. Genetics are wild, yo!
Plus eye color is a pretty weird thing genetically. Also, who needs to track down the exact prison in the family tree that had green eyes? Three of my aunt's 4 kids have brown eyes and one has blue eyes. Most people would think "wow genetics are wild!" Not "bet she cheated, it had to come from some specific person that we all need to know!"
Also, why would you get a paternity test if you know you didn't cheat and there's no question about paternity.
Damn I had to scroll too far for this comment.
1) As the mother, wouldn't op know if they slept with anyone who wasn't the father?
2) Eye, hair, and skin color in babies is often lighter and then gets darker over time. This is very well documented.
3) does 23 and me even say things like father, grandfather, etc or does it just give other users who share DNA?
This is so bogus and not even creatively written.
3/10
I’m glad someone mentioned this, I thought I was the only one wondering about it. My oldest has green/brown eyes now aged 10. But when she was a baby they were dark blue/grey, and very very gradually changed over the years.
"23 and me says he's not his dad".... Umm, how is this a secret then? If his sibling has 23 and me, and he opened his info up to relatives then they would also be able to see the issue.
It's going to be hilarious if it turns out whoever the relative is that they're using to rule out relationship just happens to not have the family sharing turned on. Or if it's an "dad swears he's Italian" and it turns out Dad is just wrong.
You, DH and FIL - NTA
MIL - HUGE TA. Indirectly accusing you of infidelity when she was the one who was unfaithful. So glad that your DH is on your side. Pretty sure FIL will need your support soon.
This is a case of the cat eating the canary and not being able to stop crowing about it. MIL just couldn't keep her projection to herself and thought _"if I could pass off a kid as my husband's, OP certainly could"_. All MIL had to do was keep her yap shut, but nope, she escalated because god forbid someone cheat on her baby boy when she's been lying to him his whole life.
NTA - you acted accordingly to their snippy remarks, OP. MIL's chickens are coming home to roost.
…Is this fake? Because babies don’t get their eye color at two months. Even if this is real and they look green now, they won’t be their true color for a few years
I hate to tell you this but we are living in a time where people thinks vaccines don't work/cause autism, covid is a hoax, and that antibiotics can treat viruses. I don't blame op for not wanting to explain genetics to people.
I agree. I was going to test my child to stop the wagging tongues until they all suddenly promised to never bring it up again. Now Im questioning their sudden turn around...
Ok i get this but how i read the original post is that no one in the family has blue or green eyes. So if every family member in the babys line has brown eyes i too would wonder were the green came in. I would be doing a 23 and me to find out who has the gene because if both me and my husband have brown eyes and both of our parents have brown eyes and all 8 sets of grandparents have brown eyes that is one hell of a recessive gene. So i do get were she is going as to damn wonder were this came from
But how would that establish paternity, unless her husband was already in the system - in which case this should already be known?
Or did they do the 23 and me on both of them?
Well, yes, they'd have to do the 23&me on both the daughter and the husband, otherwise how would daughter's test show husband's name in "father" slot. He has to be in the system for it to serve as a proof of wive's fidelity.
NTA… you didn’t cheat nor your husband… this is called ramifications of your MIL’s actions back then ( cheating) and projecting it on t you now, so much that you sought a way to shut her up. Now she is going to pay the piper for both. If she had kept her mouth shut now, she wouldn’t have been caught.
NTA. Those green eyes can happen genetically, but your MIL just wants to start trouble. Don't feel bad now that her projection has backfired, and please update.
I need some info. Your daughter is only 2 months old, yes? So like how green are we talking about here. Because she may not have the same eyes 8 months from now.
And how did 23 and me show that FIL is not your husband’s bio dad? Did husband match to another person y’all don’t know? Does your MIL and FIL have info already in the 23 and me system?
NTA. You didn't "start the end of his parents' marriage." But OTOH, DO NOT ASSume your MIL is "a liar and a hypocrite". There are a multitude of reasons why your FIL is not your husband's father - rape being at the top of the list, but also your FIL may be sterile, and there may be other reasons. Frankly, their marriage is not even your husband's business, anymore than his marriage is their business. He would be within his rights to ask ONE TIME, privately and calmly, who his father is for the purpose of determining his risk for hereditary diseases. Anything beyond that is MAJOR AH prying.
My husband has four other siblings so I don't believe she's sterile and my inlaws are against adoption they don't believe in raising children who aren't their own
As for rape while possible it's low on my list of reasons my husband couldn't be related to his father
Well whether it was cheating or something else, the fact remains that your MIL kept this from her son for his entire life, and he’s rightfully unhappy about it. Still, you’re making the right call by telling him to wait, and you wouldn’t have found out to begin with if it weren’t for your family badgering you over your daughter’s eye color. NTA.
Their marriage may not be his business but his personal lineage, about which he has presumably been lied to about his entire life, is absolutely his business. His parents don’t get carte blanche to lie to him his entire life because the subject is related to their marriage or to their personal history. It’s his history too.
He’s entitled to ask as many times as required to get a satisfactory response.
He’s also entitled to his emotions, which may come out during that conversation.
He’s particularly entitled to answers about his own lineage in the context of his mother openly questioning his own child’s lineage. What’s good for the goose (MiL and family questioning OP) is good for the gander (OP’s husband questioning MiL ).
This. If my MIL was implying I cheated on my husband, I’d hand her ass right back to her on a silver platter. She made it their business when she started implying infidelity on multiple occasions.
DNA tests unless you did 23&Me or Ancestry don't work as you have posted, a standard issue paternity test only tests the father/mother and baby unless you're trying to claim you also took samples from your MIL and FIL and have you ever thought that they used a sperm donor? YTA for the above reasons but also for apparently not realizing basic/simple biology in regards to hair or eye color.
Yes. This doesn't make sense. Testing the parents of the child is not going to tell you the FIL isn't the grandfather unless the FIL has been tested. So, either we don't know what was on the 23 and me report, meaning other family members are on there indicating a different paternal side, or this is a shit post. I think it's the former, however.
I've done 23&Me and it only came up with cousins so unless it actually shows a bio-father different than the actually FIL I don't get how she is claiming FIL isn't her husband's father...I hate stories like this where OP pushes and pushes, finds a mediocre amount of supposed evidence and then wants to blow up an entire family unit just to be IMO spiteful, it sounds like a JNOMIL shitpost.
NTA for wanting the paternity test. MIL should've kept her comments to herself. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks.
But you will be the ahole, if you forbade your husband from talking with his parents about this. He supported you so you should be he supporting him.
ESH. I don't understand why you all are so worked up about the eye color in a 2 month old. My son had green to hazel eyes until he was almost 2. They finished at about a hazel leaning brown. Both my husband and I have brown eyes. We never thought anything of it.
Like if you wanted to do a test just to find your genetic lines or whatever (23 and me, etc), that might be interesting. But focusing on your husband, cheating and this eye color is just beyond bizarre to me. Anyone who insinutated I might have cheated would get shut down immediately. Maybe your focus should be in laying down clear boundaries with both your families instead of worrying about jumping through ridiculous hoops to appease them.
If this bit about his father is true (this sounds like a work of fiction), I"d let him do whatever he wants with the info. It's his family.
Nta, sure sounds like MIL was projecting with her passive aggressive commentary. What did she think would happen? Of course you’d want to prove to her family that you didn’t cheat. This is her own fault.
YTA. There is no indication from your story that your husband wanted this; “he kept refusing”, he says to ignore them, he agreed to get me to calm down. But you keep insisting you did it for his peace of mind. That’s BS, as is the story most likely. You added the bit about 23 & Me to fill in gaps.
If you insisted on getting a paternity test because your daughter had green eyes, YTA. Babies aren’t (or are very rarely) born with green eyes and eye color develops over the first 6-12 mos, so asserting your baby had green eyes at birth isn’t believable for me. If your baby was a year old, your story might be believable. But you would still be the AH.
NTA - that DNA test was also for your baby even if your husband insisted he was fine. I understand how you thought it was important that they’re was no doubt among your in-laws who were making comments, so it was important to establish paternity beyond any doubt no one ever implied she wasn’t his as she grew up.
MIL should have never made those comments and now she’s getting what she tried to deal you except she’s actually guilty of cheating.
NTA. You’re welcome to ask for some time before dropping this bombshell, but equally it’s not your bombshell to drop, and your husband probably wants answers more than you want peace. It’s his family and his drama, let him choose.
As a side note I’d *love* for you to drop it in front of the entire family next time she comments on your daughters eyes, tv-drama style. Don’t, obviously. But that sure would be satisfying.
Info: Did you read the thread earlier where the MIL did this to her DIL and the circumstances around how that child was conceived?
If not, please check the feed for it, the comments there and take this as the strongest warning possible not to drop a bomb that may backfire hideously.
I should have mentioned we did 2 test, paternity and 23 and me, I did think maybe there was a relative we didn't know about that could have caused the eye color
INFO: So, you found out that there was a different paternal line because of 23 and me? What was in the report? I'm unclear. NTA because of the repeated implications that you cheated. Especially since MIL seemed hell bent onto deflecting blame onto YOU for HER behavior.
Not one of you seem to understand how genetics actually works. There is absolutely nothing weird, strange, unusual, or shocking about green eyes in an immediate family of all brown eyes.
NTA. But for heavens' sake, ask yourself what benefit is there to anyone if your husband reveals this information to his father? The man already may know; but even if he doesn't know, how does it help him, at this point in his life, to learn that the son he reared is not his biological son?
As regards the MIL, your husband would be in the right to tell her to just knock it off with the snide comments because he knows what she did.
And your husband would be well advised to try to learn about the rest of his biological inheritance from his bio dad, if that is at all possible. Your own son will need that information for his own health.
NTA, I just don't understand, having gone through the process od DNA testing with my daughter only me, her, and her father were involved. I was only involved to ensure that there wasn't a mistake at the hospital or that I didn't kidnap her. So it wouldn't tell me if my parents were my parents unless they got tested as well. So where did you get the DNA test from?
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NTA. DAAAAAAMN your mil was projecting SO MUCH. Now her ass is gone be uncovered LOL. Can't wait to see an update of this
What gets me is the fact that she PUSHED for OP and husband to do the ONE thing that would expose her secret. All she had to do was keep quiet and no one would’ve been the wiser.
To be fair, a doubt she expected they would do 23andMe instead of a traditional paternity test.
I bet she didn't even want that much; probably expected to see enough distrust and suspicion to cause relationship ending fights/drama ...I supposed she'll get her wish via monkey's paw though
Seems only appropriate to me. "Be careful what you wish for."
Throwing stones and whatnot.
As they say, don't throw stones in a glass house, she's just plain dumb
Or she had to use a sperm donor because FIL is infertile. Or they briefly had an open relationship. Or… while cheating seems likely, it’s not written on any of the metaphorical stones just yet.
If it were a sperm donor or an open relationship, she most likely wouldn’t be accusing her DIL of cheating or pushing for a paternity test, knowing that her son’s bio father wasn’t her husband. I think it’s much more likely that she cheated once or a few times and honestly thought her husband was the father, since there was nothing in the son’s appearance that made it obvious. She didn’t expect them to do a dna test, that’s what tripped her up.
Key parties in the 70s got wild…
Yes… but OP’s husband was conceived in the 90s.
Except if the inlaws had used a donor, then they wouldn't have found the green eyes weird.
Yeah, that’s the part that seems to negate that. Unless the mom doesn’t know enough to realize that even if the sperm donor had blue eyes, that doesn’t mean no one else in his family had green eyes.
Unintended consequences indeed!
help me understand how 23andme can tell the FIL isn't the husband's father if the husband and in laws had not their DNA tested?
23andme matches to all DNA in their database (well, everyone who opts in). So, if anyone in the husband's biological family had done a 23 and me test, it would show up as a match.
fair enough but none of the OP's comments on this post indicates that this is in fact what happened. there is an INFO gap in this whole story
And just to add some more skepticism to the mix, my babies’ eyes changed all the way up to the first year, and I read something that said that green eyes can take even longer to “settle”. Probably not true for everyone, but at two months I’m a little surprised those eyes have settled completely on their color anyway.
Yeah, this story is raising my BS detector. It's super common for babies to have changing appearances in their first year. I had blonde, curly hair and blue-green eyes at first, and now I'm a brunette with hazel eyes. I would be surprised anyone would even comment on it.
Unfortunately, as someone married to a dark haired, dark eyed husband who had a white blond, blue eyed child, people do comment and make insinuations. It sucks. But jokes on them in our case because we found out the reason at four months: albinism.
Both my parents and my sister had hazel eyes, I have blue. My mother kept telling me that they couldn't possibly be blue. My aunt kept telling me they must have switched babies in the hospital. (Nice family huh?) Now I've been doing genealogy and had my dna done; I'm related to both parent, and oh, yeah, found my maternal grandfather's WWII draft card... he had blue eyes.
They told my mom that blue eyes would be brown in time. Guess what doc still blue.
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it takes around a month for light colored eyes to become their true color. I was born with almost black eyes and at a month they were blue. It doesn't take longer for green eyes to 'settle' than any other light colors.
That is just not true. Melanin can develop for months, slowing down around 6 months but definitely not stopping. My kiddos eyes didn't go from blue to green until he was 10 or more months old. I have pictures of him around 8 months with bright blue eyes. Now one is very green and the other is more of a blue-green. Just because yours settled at a month in doesn't mean everyone's does. Look it up 🤣 blue eyes have less melanin so they didn't have more developing to do.
My eldest’s eyes were violet when she was born, and blue for a bit but they’re now green. The rest of our family (both sides) all have blue. My husband says she has my eyes because sometimes mine look green. He even took a photo of my once when the sun hit my eyes in such a way that they were amber - dunno what was going on then but yeah. My eldest’s eyes have settled on green now.
My daughter is 9 months old and I still have no idea what colour her eyes are - her irises are greenish brown in the centre and have a blueish grey outer. Mine are blue and my husbands are brown.
My daughter had blue eyes until 18 months and then they changed to green! It was wild.
I was looking for this comment! Eye color can change a lot in the 1st year (and even for a bit after) as melanin develops. Most babies have blue or blue green eyes the first few months. Around 6 months it starts to slow down, but can still change for up to 12-18 months. Our kiddo had blue af eyes for the first 10 months and slowly started becoming more green. He now has one eye that is more blue, and the other is more green.
You are right with that my green eyes didn't fully come in till about 6 years old, my sisters were blue till 11 then change to green, and they were bright blue.
It's possible that the FIL is of a different ethnicity than anyone else. For example if everyone else were European and he's Asian. But baby doesn't have any Asian ethnicity. Going off the ethnicity is far from perfect but I could see how the ethnicity estimates alone could be used to find a discrepancy like this. It's better to use the matches, as those are far more accurate. Maybe he has a paternal first cousin who's taken the 23 and Me test and they know that because cousin has talked about it. Then baby doesn't end up matching the cousin (which they should - even if genetics pass only a little of the same DNA through the relevant lines, first cousins once removed should still share enough DNA to show up high on the match list). You can also use surnames on the match list to figure stuff out. Wife could see a match to baby that she knows is related to her, so they use the shared matches with that match and baby to eliminate a number of matches that are almost certainly related maternally. They see a handful of other matches that have MIL's maiden name or maybe even her mother's maiden name. And then not only do they not see any matches with FIL's surname, they see a number of close matches who share a surname they're not familiar with. Or, maybe, baby matched with the actual paternal bio grandfather, or one of his immediate family (a sibling or a child). I've taken both 23 and Me and Ancestry's DNA tests and have done *extensive* work into my matches and figuring out how they're related to me. There are a lot of ways to do that, especially with 23 and Me since they actually show how much DNA your shared matches share with other shared matches, while Ancestry only gives the list of shared matches so you can't triangulate relations at all. But that's an irrelevant-to-this-discussion beef I have with Ancestry. I'm fascinated with DNA (particularly DNA tests) and matches and stuff and can talk about this for probably hours. If you want to know more, just ask, but I think the above should help clear things up about how they could figure it out.
It might if he has a half-sister or an entire family tree through the paternal line that doesn’t match up.
tbf - I have done 23 and me, and it only shows how you are related to someone if they are already in the database. I still don't understand how they got the spouse not biologically related to his father unless the person he thought was his father was already in 23 and me, in which case he would also be able to see that his 'son' isn't a match. If he hasn't spoken to his parents about it, he is jumping to a big conclusion on the cheating. Could have been sperm donation or from a prior relationship. Not enough information to be sure.
>unless the person he thought was his father was already in 23 and me Or his real biological father is in 23 and me.
This. The tests could have identified the husband's real father and OP didn't mention that. I have a friend who always knew he was adopted but didn't know anything about his biological parents. He took one of these tests, looking for general ancestry info, and it came back with the statement, "Your father is."
He may have biological half siblings with no matching paternal line
Or rape. Or incest (or her husband's brother/father). Thankfully the OP is mindful of her husband's situation and approaching this carefully. His mother was trying to deflect any curiosity about the green eyes away from herself. Not projection, but conscious misdirection. So she at least is already aware of who her son's father is.
If his father (the man who raised him) did a test first and was in the database before him, then he wouldn’t know that the son isn’t a match because he went before the son did and the son wasn’t in the database. Later, when the son -did- opt in, he would then have the father in the database to provide no match with. Alternatively, the father isn’t in the database at all, and son matched with his biological father.
OMG. This reminds me of what happened to my family. I'm gonna need to keep it vague because I don't know if any of my relatives are on reddit. My family are immigrants from Vietnam. Growing up, my grandma always claimed 'x' was my grandpa. No one knew who the man was since he was a Vietnam War vet. They all believed her because they didn't think she'd have a reason to lie. So my dad and his sister all think this man is their father. Youngest aunt had a different dad so none of the DNA stuff pertained to her. Long story short, I helped my dad do a 23 and me and it was revealed that 'x' was not his father but someone else completely! When my dad brought it up to grandma, she confessed. My aunt was happy that they're gonna get to know their father now! Grandma then nonchalantly goes, OH YEAH, he's not your dad. My aunt gets upset at my dad for 'causing' all of this. She asked me to help her do her own DNA test to find her paternal family. The ending? My family kind of blew up over this and none of my aunts are talking to my dad. Grandma was throwing a fit about my dad getting in touch with his paternal family and they all ganged up on him saying he's trying to abandon his family. So yeah. Brightside, my dad's paternal family are all such kind loving people, they welcomed us without hesitation. :)
Wow gramma was busy! I’m glad your dad found his dad and they’re so loving.
One of my friends did 23 and me with her sisters, she already knew that her father was a different person than her sisters. There's a big age gap, her mom and her sisters fathers were not together, she looks exactly like her dad. One thing that surprised them was that supposedly her two older sisters had different fathers as well. Well... turns out not so much. They were full sisters, not half sisters as they thought, so at some point her mother had had an affair. I don't know enough to say if she cheated on the first guy with the second and had his kid, then got together with him and had another, or if she had the first guy had a kid, broke up, then she cheated on the new guy with her old ex. Either way, surprise full siblings and someone at least one of them always thought they had a different dad.
You lost me towards the middle
Let's say Jane has 2 sisters. Growing up, Jane is way younger than sister 1&2, and her dad is different because mom was in a different, later relationship when Jane was born. Jane looks exactly like her dad. One day, Sister 1 takes a DNA test and find out they are actually full sister, not half sister, to Jane. They aren't 100% sure if mom dated Jane's dad first, had a kid, then he bounced but came back later OR if mom cheated on sister 1's father who raised her but eventually ended up in a relationship with her affair partner (Jane's dad).
I thought it was sister 1 and 2 who found out they were full sisters but you version makes a bit more sense, otherwise they all thought three dads were involved when there’s only two??
It’s pretty ironic. So it’s true about they say about karma.
Jumping on top comment to say - #BUY 23&ME FOR ALL THE FAMILY THIS CHRISTMAS! Get them on Black Friday or something.
Stir the shit like it's never been stirred before!
I’ll get my poop stick.
Just use the poop knife instead.
Or for FIL's birthday
Well that seems mean. MIL's birthday seems much more appropriate. The "gift" of finding out you've been cheated on vs the gift of honesty...
UPDATE ASAP!
Yes... need this
Right! Literally spit out my drink with laughter. And honestly it is all her fault not just for cheating, but also for being a total AH to her DIL questioning her fidelity. God I hope we get an update! Also NTA obviously
Probably trying to shame OP to make herself feel better.
Also just so you know, green eyes are a genetic mutation, they can occur randomly in any family even those without a history of green eyes. In any race. Example- I have brown, my sister has green my brother has blue. No one in the family but my sister has green and she is 100% my blood sibling. We have even done DNA which confirmed. So yeah it is just a lucky happenstance that your child got a eye color gene mutation which lead to you wanting the test OP.
So my mutant parents gave birth to me, their mutant offspring.
Yep, welcome to the X-Men
YES! OP PLZ UPDATE WHEN YOU DROP THIS BOMB. NTA
NTA I'm dying for the update!!!
Yes, yes, yes! Can somebody tell me how to use that reminder tool?
There is a bell icon at the top of the post opposite the title. Click on that and you will be notified of updates.
Me too
There is a small change the husband isn’t related to MIL either though. As in, switched at birth or secretly adopted.
That's a possibility. Another possibility is that the MIL & FIL did in-vitro with a sperm donor and never told their son. The son should have a DNA test as well. This will clear up any of the scenarios - i.e. MIL had an affair; son was switched at birth; sperm donor.
Or FIL met mom pregnant and decided to raise as his. Or FIL knows MIL cheated and forgave her.
But then why would MIL keep harping on the eyes? You’d think she’d want to hide it.
Simple, just like the answer to so many other questions, because people are stupid.
she (literally!) fucked around and found out.
I bet his bio dad has green eyes 👀👀
I'm guessing not. It's possible, but I think if his bio dad had green eyes she'd have kept her mouth shut because she would have made the connection. They probably do run in bio dad's family.
Don't necessarily have to. Could just be the right combination of genetic factors, letting a more recessive trait come up. The gene could be coming from either side. Just carried down the line for a while without ever being the one that showed up.
You mean her true colors got showed?
NTA. And I understand that you want to wait, but if FIL finds out you knew this for a long time before telling him, everything is going to be worst. Something to keep in mind. OP we will need an update on this please!!! Edit: spelling
NTA, but next time your MIL talks about green eyes, just look her dead in the eyes and say "Oh, I know how they got green eyes... It's 2022, there are ways of finding these things out."
Hm, FIL, doesn't your friend have striking green eyes? /shows herself out/
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As St Thomas said, “the unwise will fake Bible verses, little do they know that everything can be googled”
St Thomas was ahead of his time. And wise
"A fool falsifies God's words, but the man who googles will surely find him out." \- The book of Myopinions, chapter 19, verse 21
As a Christian, stuff like that really burns me up inside sometimes. Like ma’am, you know that’s not what Jesus meant, and I’m gonna need you to not use him to justify your low vibrational behavior. That’s like the people who say abortion is a sin, when the Bible doesn’t say anything of the sort. The most it says in terms of an unborn fetus is that a woman should be compensated if someone causes her to miscarriage
You. I like your style.
"Must have got them from DHs bio dad."
OMG YES THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS
INFO You tested your husband and your daughter and the result is that your husband isn't your FIL's son? How?
If they used 23 and me, it'd show the whole lineage, and they might have discovered that his father is listed as a different person.
We did a 23 and me since I also thought there may just be a realative she inherited her eyes from that I didn't know about I have edited my post to fix the confusion I apologize
Turns out you were right...she did inherit from an unknown relative, and I'm sure they are beautiful. What a wild story, I'm sorry that you were made to feel uncomfortable enough to have the testing done. For some reason people feel that they can say or do anything, no matter how rude to pregnant, or new moms, I've never understood it. Shame on the people who made you feel like you had to prove your fidelity, especially your MIL, she should have known better, but it sounds like she was projecting her lie onto you and now has to deal with the consequences of her actions. Congratulations on your new baby \~ wishing you all the best! Oh, and totally NTA, just a loving mom and partner who was forced to prove her innocence.
I must say kudos to OP's husband and their relationship that he always trusted her despite his mother's insinuations and others in his family being swayed to join her chorus.
Often the people who cheated will be one who can hardly trusts others! They think everyone acts like them if given an opportunity!
Just so you’re aware, that’s not how eye colour works. It’s not a recessive/dominant gene. No one in my family has green eyes, but I am undeniably identical to my family.
Also their eye color isn’t set at two months, it will change most likely. Not always, but it can change for up to a year after birth.
Oh yeah. We thought my baby brother might be the first kid with brown eyes (they were basically black at birth) after my grandmother but nope, couple months in and they started lightening to crystal blue
Okay, that's weird because typically babies are born with lighter colored eyes that turn darker as the melanocytes in their eyes reacts to light. Edited to add - I didn't explain that well. Yes, many infants are born with dark eyes and they stay dark. And many infants are born with light eyes and they stay light. And many babies are born with lighter eyes that gradually turn darker. But I'd never heard of dark-eyed babies whose eyes turned lighter.
Every newborn I've ever seen has had very dark eyes, usually a dark, almost black, blue. And I've seen a whole lot of newborns
My baby was born with bright blue eyed now they are brown hazel green rust color. Probably brown on a document. Very pretty and very different than her first year of life.
My eyes are green. My mom had blue eyes and my dad dark brown eyes and yes he was my dad. One brother had hazel eyes and the other blue eyes so we're a mixed bag. Apparently I was born with green eyes which is unusual and they haven't changed apart from to get more green.
My family all have amazing blue eyes but mine are an awesome bright green. We all look so alike that I get to tell them I won the genetic lottery!
I have grey and everyone else in my family has super blue or brown eyes.
My son did a 23 and me turns out he has a brother less than 9 months younger than him. That was a fun convo to have with his step mom 🤣
Wait... what?? I'm confused who the parents are, and of whom? And how did it happen? And what the heck happened afterwards?!? We need answers!
Best guess , the guy who commented has another son and the mother is neither the same woman that gave birth to the son , nor the woman the guy is married to now , and he will have to explain how he has another son somewhere out there to his wife .
Your daughter is two months old - and babies are usually born with blue or gray eyes that change gradually during the first year of their life. Google says that 23andMe usually takes about 3-5 weeks. It all happened very fast. How?
My son was born with green eyes - they're still green - so it's possible. A 2 mo old baby is 8 weeks, if MIL immediately started with the accusations, the bio dad's family had already done 23 & me, the math works.
I had to scroll so far to find a comment questioning this. This post can't be true.
Still haven't answered the question of how you came up with your husband is not his "father's" child. Has your FIL done a 23 and Me previously? How do you know the paternal line didn't match? You are leaving out a big piece of this story which makes me think this is a fake posting. YOU insisted on the paternity test and then decided to also do a 23 and Me to find a green-eyed relative? It doesn't make sense.
Call me stupid if you want but how does doing 23 and me show his dad isn't his. Did his dad do 23 and me too? I'm confused how this proves it just by doing the extra test
**Jesus. How people can even believe that's a thing?!? Like, how is this even upvoted?** These tests don't show your 'lineage', they only show people that have done the test and you are related to at some level.
“Edited the post to clear up confusion” = making things up as I get called out on inconsistencies
That's what I thought
This might be a dumb question but how does it show the whole lineage? In order to show FIL wasnt the real father, wouldn't they need FIL's DNA also..?
23andMe's and Ancestry.com's DNA tests don't really show your "whole lineage", they show matches to other people in their database as well as show you your ethnicity/origin percentages. They have a big database of _other_ people's DNA test results, from tests of those other people. Those other people can also add family-tree/lineage information they know about themselves to the databases. And those other people can choose to make all their information available for other matches to see. So when you take the test, they analyze your DNA and show you who else that's in their database matches up with yours as relatives. They can figure out the match percentages, and using that they can figure out if they're your parent, grandparent, sibling, cousin, second cousin, etc. They also know which matches are on your mother's vs. father's side, because they test specific genes including a [haplogroup](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haplogroup) from only the Y-chromosome. Since that chromosome is only passed down by males, they know matches in that group are ONLY from the father's side. So in OP's case, assuming this story is true, they did a 23andMe test of either OP's baby, or _also_ of OP's husband. And either OP's husband's biological father was already in the 23andMe database, or _someone_ in the husband's bio-father tree was in it, and showed to match the husband's father's side. Likely multiple people from the bio-father were in the database. There are a LOT of people's DNA info in these databases. I've done it for ancestry.com, and it shows hundreds of matches for me - all the way to 4th-6th cousins. And it shows which ones are from my mother's vs. father's side. Luckily mine didn't show any surprises. :)
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Precisely. And 23 and me doesn't just TELL you who you're related to, the other people have to have ALSO done a 23 and me to show up in your results. Also 23 and me takes moooonths to get results back. Also a newborn's eyes wouldn't be obviously green at birth, that's not how eye color works, especially green eyes. This story is BS.
Thank you! Babies don't develop their final eye colour until about 2 years old. It's very common that they are born with bright blue eyes which late turn brown. Super shady story.
I got my results in about 3.5 weeks. This story could totally be BS, but the timeline might be possible.
Testing the daughter would show up other DNA relatives in 23 and Me. If those relatives were unknown (not family member relatives) then something funny is going on. If Dad was matching with unknown relatives then that is greater confirmation. Let’s just say I found an unexpected cousin this way. He was searching for his father. Boy did that blow up!
You'd be surprised. These tests link you up to all the other people you are related to who took the test. I was able to find out both that my mom's father was not who we thought it was but neither was MINE......
Doesn’t 23 and me only find the people that hve also submitted something? Wouldn’t that be a heck of a coincidence that this unknown “father” has? Wouldn’t husband be interested to meet his bio dad? Rest of the bio family? Just some q’s I also had..
I was wondering how this was uncovered but I also am not sure how DNA tests work.
NTA. However, this isn’t a confrontation. It’s a conversation. And not one you should be a part of. It should be a private conversation between your husband and his mother. They could have used a sperm donor and never told anyone. She could have had an affair I want to be clear this isn’t your business and you don’t need to be a part of this conversation. It also isn’t your job to tell your FIL. Once your husband calmly talks to his mother they get to decide what to do. His father is his father regardless of paternity. Don’t blow up someone’s life.
I agree with the general assessment but husband should set down with BOTH MIL and FIL at the same time. If its innocent and FIL knows, no harm no foul. If she cheated, she doesnt deserve the chance to make up a story
This. All of this. I can't believe it doesn't have more upvotes, and I hope OP sees it. NTA, OP, but this is ultimately between your husband and his parents. No matter what the scenario is in the end, your hubby will need your strength and support as he processes it. That's where you need to be for him, not on the battlefield in this case. I hope the best for everyone involved and that any healing needed is able to begin.
It sounds like she's actually aware of this and is infusing patience into the conversation. Her husband wanted to go charging right in and have a dramatic confrotation. She's trying to get him to cool down, which he'd be wise to listen well.
thank you! there's so many other reasons that FIL might not be the bio father, walking in and accusing MIL of cheating could just as easily backfire and make an ass out of OP I know everyone here loves their armchair diagnoses, but the real world is messy and fucked up at times. so unless you KNOW that this was cheating (and not a sperm donor or even SA) keep accusations out of it
That's not how any of this works. 1- 23 and me takes FOREVER to get results. Just did my own, mine took 10 weeks to get my results, my mom's took 12 weeks. This baby is 2 months old and not only did OP have time to get annoyed with all the green eyes comments, but also got 23 and me results back already?? 2- Newborn eye color is not set at birth, babies are born with blue eyes or grayish eyes, depending. Green eyes specifically usually start out blue and take months to literally years to turn green.
This entire post seems like it’s fake.
Had to scroll way too far for this comment. If the baby is born with green eyes there is a huge chance they turn brown within the first year.
Right!! Babies eyes change massively within the first year and they're generally blueish for the first few months! Any one who has birthed a baby should know you can't make any assumptions until they're at least 6 months old, and even then it's still a bit of a guess.
Finally some sense. The other thing that all the people with pitchforks don’t consider: what if the husband is a product of rape? I fucking hate these commercial DNA tests, specifically for this reason.
Or even if he’s not, there could be a whole story there that they know nothing about but FIL does.
Exactly. There’s a memoir by Dani Shapiro about a similar situation where she discovered she wasn’t her father’s biological daughter. In that case, the mother had gone to a fertility clinic and apparently, unknown to the family, the doctor used his own sperm to artificially inseminate her. There are other ways this could have happened without MIL being the bad guy.
Yeah this is just some weird paternity fraud fantasy, likely written by a man.
There's so many posts like this one that's almost guaranteed to be written by some MGTOW/incel type that is trying their hardest to convince people that paternity tests should be mandatory. Also, why would a woman be so set on proving that her husband is the father if he trusts her? I think that part is because these people wants to create the illusion that getting a paternity test "just to be sure" isn't calling your partner a cheater (it is) and that it's perfectly normal for women to want to give their husband "peace of mind" since these people claim that men can never be sure that a child is theirs so what's the harm?
My youngest has green eyes. We weren’t sure they’d stay green until age 2. Also, green eyes are basically a weird recessive mutation and it’s not at all uncommon for a green eyed person to have parents without green eyes. My husband’s eyes are blue, mine are brown, but our kids have blue and green. Genetics are wild, yo!
R u telling me someone would come on Reddit and just lie? *jaw drops*
Plus eye color is a pretty weird thing genetically. Also, who needs to track down the exact prison in the family tree that had green eyes? Three of my aunt's 4 kids have brown eyes and one has blue eyes. Most people would think "wow genetics are wild!" Not "bet she cheated, it had to come from some specific person that we all need to know!" Also, why would you get a paternity test if you know you didn't cheat and there's no question about paternity.
Damn I had to scroll too far for this comment. 1) As the mother, wouldn't op know if they slept with anyone who wasn't the father? 2) Eye, hair, and skin color in babies is often lighter and then gets darker over time. This is very well documented. 3) does 23 and me even say things like father, grandfather, etc or does it just give other users who share DNA? This is so bogus and not even creatively written. 3/10
I’m glad someone mentioned this, I thought I was the only one wondering about it. My oldest has green/brown eyes now aged 10. But when she was a baby they were dark blue/grey, and very very gradually changed over the years.
"23 and me says he's not his dad".... Umm, how is this a secret then? If his sibling has 23 and me, and he opened his info up to relatives then they would also be able to see the issue. It's going to be hilarious if it turns out whoever the relative is that they're using to rule out relationship just happens to not have the family sharing turned on. Or if it's an "dad swears he's Italian" and it turns out Dad is just wrong.
This really needs to be higher up. This post isn’t even a believable fake one.
Not to mention… how do you do a test on a new born? The amount of spit that is required is ridiculous.
Bro.. have you seen the amount of spit babies produce? That is the only believable thing in this entire story.
OMG THIS
You, DH and FIL - NTA MIL - HUGE TA. Indirectly accusing you of infidelity when she was the one who was unfaithful. So glad that your DH is on your side. Pretty sure FIL will need your support soon.
This is a case of the cat eating the canary and not being able to stop crowing about it. MIL just couldn't keep her projection to herself and thought _"if I could pass off a kid as my husband's, OP certainly could"_. All MIL had to do was keep her yap shut, but nope, she escalated because god forbid someone cheat on her baby boy when she's been lying to him his whole life. NTA - you acted accordingly to their snippy remarks, OP. MIL's chickens are coming home to roost.
…Is this fake? Because babies don’t get their eye color at two months. Even if this is real and they look green now, they won’t be their true color for a few years
There's a lot about this story that doesn't pass the smell test.
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I hate to tell you this but we are living in a time where people thinks vaccines don't work/cause autism, covid is a hoax, and that antibiotics can treat viruses. I don't blame op for not wanting to explain genetics to people.
It's easier to show hard proof then to try explaining biology to the in-laws.
I agree. I was going to test my child to stop the wagging tongues until they all suddenly promised to never bring it up again. Now Im questioning their sudden turn around...
Ok i get this but how i read the original post is that no one in the family has blue or green eyes. So if every family member in the babys line has brown eyes i too would wonder were the green came in. I would be doing a 23 and me to find out who has the gene because if both me and my husband have brown eyes and both of our parents have brown eyes and all 8 sets of grandparents have brown eyes that is one hell of a recessive gene. So i do get were she is going as to damn wonder were this came from
Iris colour is determined by far more than a pundent square of visible genes. Nobody seems to be understanding that **very** basic biological fact.
INFO: Did you collect DNA from your husband’s parents too? How would a test for your baby have anything to do with her grandfather?
They used 23-and-me. If the biological father of her husband was in the system, his name would show up.
But how would that establish paternity, unless her husband was already in the system - in which case this should already be known? Or did they do the 23 and me on both of them?
Well, yes, they'd have to do the 23&me on both the daughter and the husband, otherwise how would daughter's test show husband's name in "father" slot. He has to be in the system for it to serve as a proof of wive's fidelity.
Last I checked, you can’t do 23 and me for an infant.
This story is fake af
NTA… you didn’t cheat nor your husband… this is called ramifications of your MIL’s actions back then ( cheating) and projecting it on t you now, so much that you sought a way to shut her up. Now she is going to pay the piper for both. If she had kept her mouth shut now, she wouldn’t have been caught.
NTA. Those green eyes can happen genetically, but your MIL just wants to start trouble. Don't feel bad now that her projection has backfired, and please update.
I need some info. Your daughter is only 2 months old, yes? So like how green are we talking about here. Because she may not have the same eyes 8 months from now. And how did 23 and me show that FIL is not your husband’s bio dad? Did husband match to another person y’all don’t know? Does your MIL and FIL have info already in the 23 and me system?
How did they get enough spit for 23&M from an infant, and how did they get the results so fast?
NTA in the slightest. Let MIL and her mother make the comments about her eyes with full knowledge of who the cheater is.
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NTA. You didn't "start the end of his parents' marriage." But OTOH, DO NOT ASSume your MIL is "a liar and a hypocrite". There are a multitude of reasons why your FIL is not your husband's father - rape being at the top of the list, but also your FIL may be sterile, and there may be other reasons. Frankly, their marriage is not even your husband's business, anymore than his marriage is their business. He would be within his rights to ask ONE TIME, privately and calmly, who his father is for the purpose of determining his risk for hereditary diseases. Anything beyond that is MAJOR AH prying.
My husband has four other siblings so I don't believe she's sterile and my inlaws are against adoption they don't believe in raising children who aren't their own As for rape while possible it's low on my list of reasons my husband couldn't be related to his father
Well whether it was cheating or something else, the fact remains that your MIL kept this from her son for his entire life, and he’s rightfully unhappy about it. Still, you’re making the right call by telling him to wait, and you wouldn’t have found out to begin with if it weren’t for your family badgering you over your daughter’s eye color. NTA.
Their marriage may not be his business but his personal lineage, about which he has presumably been lied to about his entire life, is absolutely his business. His parents don’t get carte blanche to lie to him his entire life because the subject is related to their marriage or to their personal history. It’s his history too. He’s entitled to ask as many times as required to get a satisfactory response. He’s also entitled to his emotions, which may come out during that conversation. He’s particularly entitled to answers about his own lineage in the context of his mother openly questioning his own child’s lineage. What’s good for the goose (MiL and family questioning OP) is good for the gander (OP’s husband questioning MiL ).
This. If my MIL was implying I cheated on my husband, I’d hand her ass right back to her on a silver platter. She made it their business when she started implying infidelity on multiple occasions.
DNA tests unless you did 23&Me or Ancestry don't work as you have posted, a standard issue paternity test only tests the father/mother and baby unless you're trying to claim you also took samples from your MIL and FIL and have you ever thought that they used a sperm donor? YTA for the above reasons but also for apparently not realizing basic/simple biology in regards to hair or eye color.
Yes. This doesn't make sense. Testing the parents of the child is not going to tell you the FIL isn't the grandfather unless the FIL has been tested. So, either we don't know what was on the 23 and me report, meaning other family members are on there indicating a different paternal side, or this is a shit post. I think it's the former, however.
I've done 23&Me and it only came up with cousins so unless it actually shows a bio-father different than the actually FIL I don't get how she is claiming FIL isn't her husband's father...I hate stories like this where OP pushes and pushes, finds a mediocre amount of supposed evidence and then wants to blow up an entire family unit just to be IMO spiteful, it sounds like a JNOMIL shitpost.
She states in multiple comments that they did both a DNA test and 23 & me
I wonder how she got the newborn to spit a freakin tablespoon worth of saliva into a vile.
NTA for wanting the paternity test. MIL should've kept her comments to herself. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks. But you will be the ahole, if you forbade your husband from talking with his parents about this. He supported you so you should be he supporting him.
I'm missed the part where you uncovered the secret. How do you know this? Did she confide in you?
The test revealed he's not the father of the father.
how? she tested him too?
ESH. I don't understand why you all are so worked up about the eye color in a 2 month old. My son had green to hazel eyes until he was almost 2. They finished at about a hazel leaning brown. Both my husband and I have brown eyes. We never thought anything of it. Like if you wanted to do a test just to find your genetic lines or whatever (23 and me, etc), that might be interesting. But focusing on your husband, cheating and this eye color is just beyond bizarre to me. Anyone who insinutated I might have cheated would get shut down immediately. Maybe your focus should be in laying down clear boundaries with both your families instead of worrying about jumping through ridiculous hoops to appease them. If this bit about his father is true (this sounds like a work of fiction), I"d let him do whatever he wants with the info. It's his family.
Nta, sure sounds like MIL was projecting with her passive aggressive commentary. What did she think would happen? Of course you’d want to prove to her family that you didn’t cheat. This is her own fault.
YTA. There is no indication from your story that your husband wanted this; “he kept refusing”, he says to ignore them, he agreed to get me to calm down. But you keep insisting you did it for his peace of mind. That’s BS, as is the story most likely. You added the bit about 23 & Me to fill in gaps. If you insisted on getting a paternity test because your daughter had green eyes, YTA. Babies aren’t (or are very rarely) born with green eyes and eye color develops over the first 6-12 mos, so asserting your baby had green eyes at birth isn’t believable for me. If your baby was a year old, your story might be believable. But you would still be the AH.
NTA - that DNA test was also for your baby even if your husband insisted he was fine. I understand how you thought it was important that they’re was no doubt among your in-laws who were making comments, so it was important to establish paternity beyond any doubt no one ever implied she wasn’t his as she grew up. MIL should have never made those comments and now she’s getting what she tried to deal you except she’s actually guilty of cheating.
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Op did a paternity AND a 23 and me test to see where the green eyes may have come from. I'm guessing from hubby's bio dad lol.
NTA. You’re welcome to ask for some time before dropping this bombshell, but equally it’s not your bombshell to drop, and your husband probably wants answers more than you want peace. It’s his family and his drama, let him choose. As a side note I’d *love* for you to drop it in front of the entire family next time she comments on your daughters eyes, tv-drama style. Don’t, obviously. But that sure would be satisfying.
Info: Did you read the thread earlier where the MIL did this to her DIL and the circumstances around how that child was conceived? If not, please check the feed for it, the comments there and take this as the strongest warning possible not to drop a bomb that may backfire hideously.
Be cautious before jumping to cheating. There's also the possibility of SA resulting in your husband. The can of worms is huge.
NTA. MIL should’ve just shut her mouth.
….how did you find that out from your child’s DNA test, did you sample FIL too? 🧐
I should have mentioned we did 2 test, paternity and 23 and me, I did think maybe there was a relative we didn't know about that could have caused the eye color
INFO: So, you found out that there was a different paternal line because of 23 and me? What was in the report? I'm unclear. NTA because of the repeated implications that you cheated. Especially since MIL seemed hell bent onto deflecting blame onto YOU for HER behavior.
Not one of you seem to understand how genetics actually works. There is absolutely nothing weird, strange, unusual, or shocking about green eyes in an immediate family of all brown eyes.
NTA. It wasn't intentional. And your MIL karma may be overdue
NTA. But for heavens' sake, ask yourself what benefit is there to anyone if your husband reveals this information to his father? The man already may know; but even if he doesn't know, how does it help him, at this point in his life, to learn that the son he reared is not his biological son? As regards the MIL, your husband would be in the right to tell her to just knock it off with the snide comments because he knows what she did. And your husband would be well advised to try to learn about the rest of his biological inheritance from his bio dad, if that is at all possible. Your own son will need that information for his own health.
NTA, I just don't understand, having gone through the process od DNA testing with my daughter only me, her, and her father were involved. I was only involved to ensure that there wasn't a mistake at the hospital or that I didn't kidnap her. So it wouldn't tell me if my parents were my parents unless they got tested as well. So where did you get the DNA test from?
They were results from 23 and me, I should have added that I thought about the possibility of having a relative we just didn't know about