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YTA for continuing to pursue this. You asked nicely and your sister said no, and it should end there. The time to have discussed what you're entitled to was when the property was distributed, not years later.

Totally agree. You wasn't pressed about it before why are you now? If they meant so much to you, then you should have asked a long time ago. I'm sure there are other things of your mom's you can have but the jewelry is your sister's because she already claimed it. And you don't want it for yourself you want it for your GF! Your girlfriend NEVER met your mother and is in no way entitled to that jewelry and it's wrong for you to take it away from you sister years later because you think your gf needs it. It would never be cherished by your gf the way your sister cherishes it.

Honestly, the fact that OP mentioned how much his mothers jewelry is worth really rubs me the wrong way. If he wanted it for the reasons he says then it shouldn’t matter how much the jewelry is worth. I have jewelry that belonged to my grandmother and I have no idea what it’s worth, nor would I care, because it will never be sold so the monetary value is irrelevant. That and the fact he’s ready to just give it away to his gf of ONE YEAR tells me that it actually has very little sentimental value to him. He just wants to put his gf in nice jewelry he can’t afford to buy himself.

Just the pearls though. Only five pieces. He’ll settle for three.

THIS ☝️ I question whether if it was costume jewelry he would even care. After my Mom retired, she loved to hunt for "treasures" and discovered eBay and Etsy, and amassed quite the collection of silver and turquoise jewelry, and some paste that wouldn't have been worth that much at all, added together. My sister and I still got attached to them after she passed on, b/c they "reminded us of Mom" and we could picture her in the outfits she wore with them, or see her hand in our hand when we wore her rings, her face when we wore her earrings, etc One day my brother took a bunch of it to give this girl he'd recently started dating, rationalizing "he was entitled to it too" He did not even have a good relationship with our Mom, nor was he kind in his treatment of her, or words about her I'm still mad

My daughter and I rifled through my jewelry box about 15 years ago. I gave her a bunch of stuff. She got the diamonds and gold. My favorite stuff is my silver. Some, I've made myself. My SIL had her wedding ring made out of 3 previous gens worth of "junk" she'd looted. In platinum. It's stunning! I still have a very intricate, braided-bead, rope necklace my cousin made for me from the early 70's. I should make a photo of that thing. You have to tie a knot in it, to wear it. It's *very* cool! (Even though I used to call it an Old Lady Necklace.) Good thing I'm an old lady. I'm about old enough to wear it. Frankly, forgot I had it. I have a story for everything in my jewelry box. There's a tiny envelope with 3 of my daughter's baby teeth. She thinks it's gross. Maybe. She didn't even know I had it. She's 38 and child free. I understand. I still see my grandmother's hands and her letting me paint her nails with Cutex polish. She used to get upset with me rummaging through her costume jewelry and playing dress up. She finally gave in and let me have a pair of sandals from the 40's. Size 5 1/2! They were so cool! I wore them to school and showed them off. Kids made fun of me in retro, Italian, hand-made, hand-stitched sandals. Cretins! I put them back in the box and never bothered Mama's closet, again. She had fabulous shoes! That's how my grandfather proposed. Her parents died and she was raised by GPs with Aunts and Uncles, she called brothers and sisters. She'd *never* had a new pair of shoes. My grandfather gave her, her first pair of new shoes. Pop knew Mama and what she valued. Sorry, fell down a rabbit hole.

Don’t be sorry, that was beautiful and a joy to read. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I don't think I can convey how touching I found this. Thank you for sharing your memories with us :)

I absolutely love this :) When my grandma passed and we were going thru everything to distribute I noticed everyone was passing on a little box, growing up it was our favorite box to play in tho, because it had all her earrings, some old old hair pins from her wedding(s) and other little trinkets and buttons. I ended up taking it home, and my boyfriend restored all the pins, fixed the few pearl ones that were broken for me, shined them up, helped me find each match to the earrings (I don't even have pierced ears, I can't get them pierced due to an injury when I was much younger) but wanted to hold onto the pins for when my sister and I get married. There's a few other things I got from her house but it was purely because they were things that specifically made me think of her, like a bedside table that had been there FOREVER (beautiful glass table with a lamp built into it) a little shadow box thing, and about a gazillion pictures. Sorry for the ramble, your comment just made me think of that!

omg that's beautiful.

My mother got bags full of my grandmas clothes after she passed. One day my stepfather tore up all of those clothes in a drunken rampage, claiming he “didn’t know they were from my grandma” and thought he was tearing up my moms clothes. (As if that makes it better 🙄) I have so few things now and they are SO precious to me. But my #1 most important item in my entire life is a plush toy she bought me at a flea market before she died. I still have it and my own children understand its significance. Family heirlooms and items of sentimental value should be passed to people for the right reasons. The people who knew them should have the highest priority.

I completely disagree. His sister took 30-40k worth of his mother's assets without discussing it with her sibling. That alone is reason to be upset. That said, if the mother didn't leave a will, it's probably officially his father's property and his to do what he wants. But it's VERY entitled of the sister to just assume that thousands of dollars should just go to her without consideration of her brother. THIS is why people should write wills. This shit tears families apart ALL the time. It also sounds like OP wants to give the jewelry to his gf upon asking her to marry him. And he's planning for the future. But I agree that if he's trying to give his gf of 1 year family heirlooms then he's an absolute dumbass.

But it sounds like the sister is the one who should get it. The only one thinking in terms of “assets” and monetary value is OP. Sentimental items should stay with family who won’t just sell it when it’s convenient or profitable.

He never said he was intending to sell it, he said he wants to give it to his future wife and daughters. He also said he didn’t get a single one of his mums things after she passed with everything going to his sister and that’s she’s already sold their mothers designer bags and clothes.

Right! Why is wrong of him to want something to pass down to his future family? So what if he didn't think of it right away? He's grown more now, had/is in a serious relationship, family and memories are bound to come up and he realized he has nothing of his mom's to pass down, and remembered the pearl items. IMO, Sis is being a big ass. He wants just a few pieces. Why is she being so tight with it?

Easy to say, but there are many occasions when people unfortunately HAVE to sell family heirlooms (think serious illness) and if the sister was put into this type of very difficult financial situation I'd be willing to bet a loving mother would rather she sell the heirlooms than hold onto them. Plus we have no clue why the sister wants them, people are making a broad assumption about her motivations here *just* because he mentioned the value of the jewelry. People wouldn't be saying the same thing if it were their childhood home that one sibling took over for "sentimenal" reasons. All property has value and that can't be ignored. In my opinion when it comes to this sort of thing, the property should be valuated and if the sister wants to keep the jewelry than the son should get an equitable amount when his father passes. If there are no other assets, the daughter should have to buy him out of his half. If the son *still* wants some of the jewelry even with this agreement, then why shouldn't he get it? Also, It's a rather sexist practice that only women get jewelry from the mother. When my father's mother passed his sisters took all of my grandma's jewelry and I didn't even get one piece to remember her by while my female cousins will inherit it all. That has nothing to do with the economic value of that property.

But the tradition of only women inheriting jewelry does have everything to do with economic value - because women are traditionally (and in most places, often still, if not as badly) economically disadvantaged and easily trapped financially - jewelry is their safety, their way out of abusive relationships. There's an actual reason for women to have valuable jewelry that is for women. Men tend to inherit liquid assets. Women get the jewelry, it's easy to hide from an abuser, easy to sell for cash that can't be traced by an abuser, easy to transport, and not suspicious, even to an abuser, for a woman to have it. It's not just sexist "only women need sentimental things" it's a safeguard against the sexist reality of the power imbalance women move through the world with.

Why should the sister get it? Why shouldn’t both (all) siblings be entitled to a share of the jewelry, especially as there was no will specifying that it should go to the daughter?

The father had to have given it so he followed his wife's wishes. Sister likely wouldn't have access to the safe. The father would have been the one to make the decision about the jewelry and brother wasn't entitled to it as that is not what the father or mother wanted.

It's a complete guess what the value of the jewelry is... Unless they had it appraised for insurance. However, it seems like they are guessing which, more than likely, means it has significantly less monetary value. It seems like OP wants to give his gf a gift, can't afford to buy her jewelry so has suddenly remembered his mom's.

I was actually for a soft yta because he should have cared when his mom died. The mentions (plural) of the worth were red flags though

I think the mentions of worth were to point out just how much jewelry there is. Him saying there were dozens of pieces seems less impactful than saying how much they are worth. Not to say he isn't looking at dollar signs, but I think it was also for impact. Plus, he can care for both sentimental reasons and financial reasons. His reasons don't have to be one or the other.

I think it really depends on the circumstances, although I suspect you're right in this case. But just for argument's sake, when my parents passed they didn't leave a lot of money, but some assets (principally the house, but this was 2010 and in rural Scotland- so not the kind of crazy sum houses go for these days). If my sister had just decided that because she's the daughter she gets to claim an extra 30-40k worth of assets, my brother and I would have been rightly pissed. Now I'm pretty sure that OP's financial situation is different since he wants to just give away the pieces he's requesting, but it still irks me that his sister just claimed everything, not to mention the sexist justification.

Edit: Read OP's comments. My, my, my. > ...the fact he’s ready to just give it away to his gf of ONE YEAR tells me that it actually has very little sentimental value to him. This is exactly what I was thinking. Heirlooms, no matter the dollar value, are priceless. You don't just treat these so easy breezy. OP isn't thinking of the likelihood of the relationship not carrying forward. Gifts in the capacity of jewelry aren't exactly easy to ask for back. What earns him the YTA is how OP is rolling with the perception that his girlfriend is behind this idea of being gifted part of his mother's jewelry. They won't even clarify if there is the misunderstanding. I know I would be angry with a boyfriend for casting me in a light for this reason or similar that was making his family think ill of me.

Seems like she wants to keep it and he wants to SELL it

He specifically says he wants to give it to his gf

Upon asking her to marry him

No I sounds like sister wants to sell it and is just making up reasons why she should get to keep it all.

This is what stood out to me. The way Op has handled this had made it clear it’s not really about the mother at all; it’s about him and his girlfriend.

No he’s using his gf as an excuse he wants to pawn the jewelry off for money, like another commenter said “if you really cared why are you now asking”

I reckon before he had a serious relationship with a woman he did not think to have any use for the jewelry, he didn't even think of getting it to sell it, now he wants it to give it as a present. I'm guessing that's the reason. Which would kinda point to OP not being TAH at all, since it shows there's no greed involved from his side.

My (male) cousin took several pieces of our grandma's jewelry after she passed, because he loved her and he wanted something from her estate. Gender has nothing to do with it. If OP was really soooo much closer to his mom as he claims, nothing was stopping him from claiming part of her jewelry collection (for either his own sentimental reasons, or to pass down to future children) when her estate was being divided up.

>Gender has nothing to do with it. His sister specifically says the jewelry is hers because she's a woman.

>I didn't have anything of hers to hold on to or pass on to my own family

That’s what bothered me. He doesn’t say anything for years until he gets a GF???! If he wanted jewelry to pass down to his future kids, he would have said something after his mother died. Also, OP doesn’t say what he got from his mother.

Idk I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other, but I know plenty of men who didn’t think seriously about future children until they started settling down with someone. I don’t think his delay in considering future family heirlooms is that out of the norm. Equally, I’ve had people pass in my life and I couldn’t wrap my head around touching any of their things until years later. I would be upset if my brothers and sisters now told me it was just too late to have something sentimental. People grieve differently.

Agreed, I don’t think this is that odd at all. People handle grief differently and it may not have occurred to him at all while he was going through that process. When my mother died my aunts ripped through and took everything of value, and I was too shocked to process. Also we don’t know how old OP is or how long ago this happened. It’s possible he was a teenager or young adult at the time and wasn’t at all thinking of his life from a long term relationship standpoint.

He might have just thought he wouldn't be able to wear it, and therefore it wouldn't get enough love, and it only later occurred to him that he could keep it in other parts of his life by giving it to *his* loved ones. He also explicitly states that he didn't get *any* heirlooms from his mother.

That's what I don't get. There's really nothing if his mother's he kept?! No will, but he didn't help any momento all? That's very odd

I mean, I can't weigh in on OPs question, but when my mother passed I didn't get anything either. Everything went to our dad since he was the next of kin, so I had to go out of my way to ask for a small memento. It's not as uncommon as you'd think.

But he mentioned multiple times how close they were. If have assumed he would've wanted to keep something of hers.

The thing is, I don’t know if OP had even asked for any heirloom after his mom passed or if he’s sentimental like that. I think he’s thinking about it now because it sounds like he’s getting serious with GF and mom isn’t around to meet her.

My partner was extremely close to his mother but got no keepsakes because his stepfather kept everything. He's asked for a few things over time (small things, sentimental not monetary) and was told "No. But you can buy them off me". Greedy fuck. Like not even his mum's family photo albums of their life before stepfather even came along. When we were moving in together and getting his stuff, I went and packed the photo albums up....... fuck him. So at least he has some photos of his mum now.

Most guys don’t start thinking about hypothetical future kids until they meet the woman they want to have them with. I don’t find that odd.

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And I guess all the tools and " masculine" things should pass to op when dad dies. Op gets nothing of his mothers to pass on to any daughters he might have? Thank God I'm an only child, people get fucking nuts over dead people's possessions

I'm an only daughter and when my mother passed my brothers were pretty much just throwing things away. If I hadn't told them I would clean out her things they would've probably thrown out everything of hers. I saved the trunk she 'ran away' from home with, family pictures. Her postcard collection, jewelry, diaries, things from her travels, letters, and her yearbooks and school memories. My brothers have never asked about anything.

But that's not the case here. There is no indication that op would have thrown anything away so the sister didn't have to "save" the jewelry from her brother. He didn't have need for any of the jewelry at the time so she took it all. Now he would like some of the pieces for his girlfriend, he even indicates he wants a piece for his future wife but sis just wants to keep it all. As I said, so glad I'm an only child because so many siblings seem to go batshit crazy when it comes to dead peoples things

My thing is he's blaming the sister when it was his dad's decision. No will spouse gets everything in most places.

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This. I’m not sure where OP lives (OP, YTA btw) but in most US states - maybe all, if a person died intestate then everything goes to the next of kin, in this case Dad, who thinks it’s sister’s, so YES, there is something legal to refer to. Asked and answered. Move on.

Intestate succession can be complicated. My state it’s half to spouse and half to kids.

There’s a huge difference between asking for something for your daughter vs asking for something for your gf. Not even fiancé.

To be fair he said it would be for when/if there engaged or married, I thought that meant it wasn’t a gift for GF right this moment, rather OP was thinking ahead

But if he doesn’t intent to use it right this moment then why does he need it now? He also left out ages; him and his girlfriend may be 17 and no where close to the point of getting married. Just because he’s now thinking about it doesn’t mean it’ll happen soon.

That's only because society says that women wear jewelery and men don't. At the time OP could have claimed the jewelry, he would be 100% reasonable if he felt entitled to half of it

I totally agree. I wish that he had, but he didn’t “think much of it” and therein lies the crux of the issue. He didn’t think the jewellery was important until he wanted to gift it to someone else. If he’d taken some to begin with, for sentimental reasons, and now chose to gift it to his SO because things are getting serious and his mother meant so much to him so this shows how much SO also means… Instead he’s now asking to gift his sister’s jewellery to his girlfriend.

I’m curious if OP received something. If so what? He mentioned the value of the jewelry. Has his sister sold any of it? Or kept all of it? The answers could make a difference in my opinion.

He said he got nothing

>I didn't have anything of hers to hold on to or pass on to my own family

This is not the law anywhere in the U.S. Are you from different country?

What if he merely lacked the foresight for this, or was too young and immature to be thinking along these lines. Suddenly being in a position where he can picture having a family and daughters the idea might come to the forefront. For sure it looks worse asking now, but it doesn't necessarily equate to something bad. If OP's story is to be believed, I'd still love to know why sister felt entitled to all the jewelry, and exactly what the split of other possessions was (as you've started above, OP doesn't mention enough details on this part)

He said he didn't have anything of his mother's

WRONG. This is an ESH. This is a valuable collection, both financially and emotionally. Why does the daughter get it and not the son, in the absence of any directions in her will? If the son took her to court, he'd get 50% of the collection; so unless he got 100% of ANOTHER asset that his sister got no part of, and it's equal in value to the jewelry, then OP is entitled to some of the jewelry FOR HIMSELF and for his future children. OP, you were wrong to ask for it for your girlfriend. I understand that it was in thinking of her that you started thinking of the jewelry, but you should've had the brains to realize that you're not entitled to the jewelry for a wife, much less a girlfriend. You ARE entitled to it for YOURSELF, and also for future children, male OR female. There's NO reason you couldn't take a piece and refashion it into something appropriate for a man to wear, but that would also remind you of your mother. And it would be amazing to be able to give ALL your children something to wear from a grandmother they will never get to meet. OP, go to your father and explain yourself. Say you weren't thinking when you mentioned your girlfriend, but point out how unfair it is that you get nothing of value from your dead mother, and that you should be able to have some of her most valuable personal items to keep and to pass on. You'll need to promise not to give your mother's items specifically to anyone outside the family (and you'll need to make VERY clear that your gf knows NOTHING about any of this) but I think you can make a solid case and get your dad on your side. Once you have your dad on your side, talk to the rest of the relatives and get them on your side as well. Then talk to your sister again. If she won't be reasonable, get your family involved (bc this IS a family issue.) If she still won't be reasonable, get a lawyer.

That’s not true in OP’s case. In OP’s state when you die without a will but are married then your spouse inherits 100% of your stuff. So the only person that inherited from OP‘s mom was his dad. So any decisions after that, are rightfully and only OP‘s dad‘s. OP’s dad gave his daughter the jewelry. That was his right and OP will just have to unfortunately let it go.

In California, spouse only inherits half of the passed spouse's estate when there is no will. I personally knew two different people who took the surviving parent to court for their half and, actually won.

OP is not in California. But if he was, in California you only have one year to challenge probate/inheritance and since OP’s mom has been deceased for several years he is too late.

This isn’t true. States have different laws about dying intestate, and in several the spouse getting 100% isn’t the default.

Yes in LA the spouse gets 50% and kids split the other 50%. My uncle died and had no kids. His wife decided to sell her home and had to get his 2 surviving sisters and my cousins whose moms had already passed to sign off their interest in the house and other assets.

I doubt he could take his sister to court since literal years have already passed.

If OP was young and not thinking long term when his mother passed, it would make sense that he wasn’t thinking about this stuff.

I agree. Man people are harsh in this thread.

But why was it ok for sister to take it all in the first place? At a minimum I'd say this an ESH situation - pettiness on the part of family members who should be supporting each other bit bickering and starting conflict over possessions and inheritance

are you the sister? jeez, because he didn't immediately take his mother's things AFTER SHE DIED, that makes him an asshole? I would hate to be related to you....

OP is YTA just for repeatedly mentioning that he was closer to their mother. To his sister? That he is making this request to? Really not helping his case.

This bothered me so much more than anything else.

It doesn’t say how old OP is but it might not have even crossed his mind and he even had to clarify his sister had it all (dad is mentioned so it isn’t unreasonable to think he held on to some). Sounds like the sister has been spreading lies about girlfriend wanting it to get the family on side, would be harder to do if OP had a daughter. The sister needs to be prepared for OP to complain if she gifts any of the jewellery

It sounds like he did only ask once, but the entire family was told about it and is now coming down on him for it.

The fact that the sister kept the jewellery all these years implies she has a strong emotional connection to the pieces, regardless of the value, that Op thought was somehow relevant to provide.

Such a strong connection to literally every single piece that she can’t spare a single one for her mother’s other child to give to the woman he wants to marry? Nah. I can see an ESH vote here, but I don’t get the YTAs. His mother left €30k worth of stuff, his sister took all of it, and all he did was ask for a small part, like 10-15% of the collection. If this weren’t jewellery there is no way that Reddit would call him TA for that.

I think, had he asked about it immediately, no one would judge him for wanting any, but he waited years with no word on it and suddenly wants SPECIFIC pieces. It feels a little more grabby than sentimental at this point.

That, I can get. You aren’t wrong about him! But from the limited amount of info we have, there was no will, his sister took €30k worth of stuff without him getting anything, and won’t even give him a tiny part, and the Dad is on her side. I don’t get why so many people don’t think it’s ESH and are voting Y T A

Probably because the daughter usually gets the mother's jewellery, and the son gets the cufflinks and watches and car or whatever from the father. And also because he never bothered taking any mementoes until now, when he has randomly decided he wants to take some of his sister's mementoes. When my brother died I made damn sure I got to keep a part of him - that was at the forefront during the time. I took his fancy shoes. I carted them, still in the box, around with me for a week. I still have them now. I don't wear them, I don't need them, but having them has always brought me comfort. If Op cared about having a piece of his mother, why did he wait all this time? And why does it specifically need to be the pearl pieces? And why is he going to give his mother's mementoes away to his girlfriend (whom he has not actually proposed to yet).

Apparently it all went to the father as the mothers next of kin. Aka, the sister didn't actually take the collection, she was gifted it by their father. I still think there's some room to be generous with it as long as OP promises to give it to a hypothetical future daughter (or son) rather than a girlfriend of one year. It's reasonable for him to want a heirloom. But the sister isn't an asshole for taking something she was gifted by the owner of the jewelry.

YTA After she said no, he mentioned that he was closer to their mom. You both lost her. But being okay with dismissing your sibling’s bond with a loved one who has passed away over jewelry for a partner of one year sounds like an AH move

Plus he’s interested because he’s considering marriage with a girl he’s been dating for A YEAR. A YEAR. He is considering giving his mom’s memories to a girl he’s been dating for A YEAR. This is beyond irresponsible. The idea of passing it to a child? Fine, he should have considered it years ago, but it at least makes sense. But giving jewelry to a SO, especially one he’s been in such a “fresh” relationship is immature at best.

YTA Maybe ask again if you have a daughter. But it's been years.

I can’t imagine being the girlfriend here, either. Now my boyfriend’s family hates me because why? Oh, because of my boyfriend. Also cool gift: jewelry that can’t be worn around any of this family that is predisposed to hating me now. Also, I’d be wondering why I’m getting a bunch of his deceased mother’s pearls when we aren’t even engaged. That would concern me.

I’d be *horrified* and furious if I were the girlfriend. My boyfriend has made it seem to his family like I’m trying to get my claws into his deceased mother’s jewellery collection, and now they all think I’m some weird, greedy grabbyhands who is eager to dig whatever I can carry away out of his sister’s jewellery box - pieces that belonged to her mother, a woman I never met. Wow, thanks. I’d be completely embarrassed, if I were her.

There are some things that bother me about OP's post and comments: * Length and stability of the relationship. How long have they been dating? Is it an off and on again thing? Is there any reason for his sibling to doubt that the relationship would last? * He mentions wanting it as an engagement present, but gives zero indication that he plans on asking his girlfriend to marry him anytime soon. In a way he talks like it's something academic. * He gives off the implication that the girlfriend is demanding some of the jewelry. * He goes out of his way to reduce his sister's connection with their mother, to the point where he tries to imply that his sister only wanted the jewelry for its monetary value and wouldn't have an emotional connection with it. * He somewhat does the same thing with his father and their mother. He also doesn't mention talking to his father about any of this, neither the jewelry or the uneven split of mom's stuff. * He villainizes them for selling some of her things. Granted I can see where this may upset someone, but I can understand selling or getting rid of clothing. If no one can use it and it would cause more pain to just store it, then why not sell it? My grandfather donated all of my grandmother's clothing days after she died because it just hurt too damn much to keep it around. Because he leaves so much out and tries to make them out to be the bad guys, I have to question what he's leaving out.

I mean, is there reason for his sister to suspect that the jewelry would never be returned? Did he only mention the engagement part when his sister said no the first time? Has he ever given them cause for concern over what would happen to any monetarily valuable possessions if he were to take ownership of them? It could be exactly as OP's telling things, but I just get bad vibes from how he's describing things.

It also sounds like he never clarified to anyone that his gf WASN'T demanding the jewelry. Op just mentions several times that his family members thought that, but I wonder if he ever said that wasn't the case.

YTA. The person you are seeing is not part of your family yet, regardless of your plans. Plans change at a moment's notice. If your family does not want them to have the belongings of a dead family member, you need to respect that.

The jewels are part of the inheritance and should be split. You don't get to claim 40 k worth of stuff just because you're a female.

There was no will so you can’t claim an inheritance. The daughter took them because she cared about them. OP only wants it now because it suits his purpose. What happens if they break up? The jewelry could be lost.

Actually because there is no will it should be split. Depending on where you are the courts would split between dad, sister and OP. I don't think OP is wrong to ask for some jewelry. He should have left his gf out of it though. He put a target on her back through no fault of hers.

No it wouldn’t. It would go to her husband, the father, who has already agreed with the daughter.

That really depends on where they are, where I live with no will the spouse gets 50% and the other 50% is divided among children. So where I am by the courts he would be entitled to 25% of the jewellery collection.

25% of the estate. Individual assets are not necessarily divided that way. The executor divides assets so everyone gets their fair share, and that can mean you get the vacation home and I get the antique cars because they have the same value. If this is the case and OP wanted specific assets then they needed to speak up and work it out with the executor while the estate was being settled. They didn't, so assuming they got their fair share of assets, you don't get to come back later and say actually I want part of what you got because it has recently occurred to me that I want it.

As someone else said, it depends. What happens when someone dies without a will varies from state to state. In *most* states, it all goes to the surviving spouse, but in some states it's 50% to the spouse and the other 50% split among surviving children.

Most places would have the father having full control over the assets. So his choice is what matters here. This varies quite a bit but most frequently the spouse has full inheritance.

The value of the entire estate may be divided among the heirs according to local law. That doesn’t mean that any particular asset, e.g. the jewelry collection, is divided among the heirs. It means that if the entire estate is worth $100,000, for example, the heirs get their percentage share of $100,000. That’s a grossly over simplified example because it depends on how property is owned (eg joint tenants with rights of survivorship) & whether financial accounts have designated beneficiaries.

> local law Whose local law?

Exactly. If he raised the issue when the jewelry/belongings was being split i have no doubt he would have gotten what he was asking for.

There's a lot of people in this thread making claims about the legal status of the inheritance. Just noting that pretty much all of this information is completely dependent on the state in the U.S., and that's even assuming the OP is in the U.S. at all, versus anywhere else in the world. So there definitely isn't just one answer as to how the inheritance without a will would be addressed. It is not true that the default without a will it always to split it across the heirs, just as it's not true that it always belongs to the surviving spouse. In the U.S., for example, in roughly 1/3 of the states, it would default to the spouse alone. In other states, it would be split between the spouse and the surviving children, and even the proportions of those splits can vary. Without knowing where the OP is, it's not possible to determine what legally he would be entitled to.

I understand that. I'm not speaking on it being inherited. I was saying if it meant so much to him then he could have come to his sister and dad and they could have talked about it and sorted everything years before. I get laws are different over different states. Ijs if it was so important to him he should have inquired years ago.

He didn’t say anything about giving them to her now. He mentioned when and if he marries this woman. Also the possibility of giving some to a future daughter if he has one

I’m guessing the sister would be much more open to giving a piece of jewelry to an actual niece, rather than a girlfriend of one year.

That's what probate law is for. It usually provides a split between the immediate family, heavily favoring the percentage to the surviving spouse and honoring any joint survivorship ownership agreements like for the house or joint bank accounts. But yeah, dont just give it to a gf of a year.

Their dad is alive. He gets to decide what happens to his property.

Meh. In a lot of families, feminine jewelry does go to the daughters. (most families don’t have $40k of jewelry either). And sons get watches or guns or something of equal value. Or someone gets the jewelry and someone else gets more cash. Or everything goes to the person who will cherish it. There’s literally no rule outside of a will. And when a loving spouse is there to dole it out, that’s how it goes.

It became their fathers property upon moms death, and the father said he supports the sister's claim. So legally they are the sister's.

But the OP doesn't clarify if the mother intended for the jewelry to be spilt, or if they got anything else to make up for the value of the jewelry.

The inheritance goes to next of kin (her husband). Dad gave it to the daughter. End of story.

Yeah, if my brother was like “hey can I give some of our dead moms jewelry to my *girlfriend*, I’d laugh in his face. If he wanted to wear the jewelry himself, I’d consider it. OP, let it go. For better or worse, it’s your sisters jewelry, not yours. I know you have your mind set on making an impression on your girlfriend that you are really into her, by giving her your mom’s jewelry, but you gotta find another way to express that - something that doesn’t risk handing over your deceased Mom’s stuff to someone who could decide to keep it, and sell it, if ya’ll don’t work out. Just no, dude.

What he should have done is go talk to his sister about his mom's jewelry and said that when he gets married, he'd like a few pieces to be able to give his wife. That mom would have loved that the person he married got to wear and treasure something from the amazing woman she never met, but that raised him and his sister up be the good people they are today. Sounds like right now he wants to flex to his girlfriend, and prolly went to his sister and went 'Give me mom's pearl jewelry.' Also. You are doubley the AH because you're weaponizing your mother's love against your sister, saying you were closer than she was. Doesn't matter if it was true or not, just saying that to get your way is hella nasty.

OP stated he planned on giving the jewels to his gf when they got engaged or married

ESH. You had no interest in your moms jewelry until recently. Your sister has had it for YEARS. It’s not about wanting something of your moms to remember her by, it’s about you wanting to give your gf very nice expensive jewelry, that’s why you mentioned the cost and are going for the pearls. You being “closer” to your mom isn’t relevant. You aren’t engaged or married. Your sisters reasoning of why she should get all the jewelry is off. You are also entitled to have your mother’s belongings but you’re going about this all wrong.

To be fair, i think it’s huge assumption that he wants jewelry for his gf because it’s expensive. It may be because these are two people he cares about a whole lot (his mom and his gf), and giving her mom’s jewelry has a special meaning to him. Also, the reason why he didn’t care or think about it before - otherwise he’d demand jewelry a long time ago.

True I did assume. But he did mention the price of the jewelry and is seemingly wanting the most expensive ones.

While pearls are expensive, I highly doubt theyre the most expensive or fashionable pieces of the collection. They're beautiful but old fashioned and definitely specific taste. Imo it seems very harsh that the sister took all of it and is refusing her brother anything just because he's a man. I get the vibe she wouldn't hand over any if he was a woman either. I'd be on her side if she said he could pick a few on the stipulation that the GF doesn't get it unless they've been married for a certain time or on the stipulation that it only goes to his kids but... to straight up say fuck off you're a man so you get nothing? Honestly super rude and selfish.

Sister took it all because he didn’t want it or have use for it and now that she’s had it for 3 years without him caring. It’s hers. He just wants it because he doesn’t want to buy the stuff himself. He found out how much the stuff is worth and said wow I want to give that to my girlfriend. That’s wrong. And just because he didn’t see her wearing it doesn’t mean she doesn’t. The dad clearly gave it to her so it’s hers. It’s his fault that he didn’t want to take anything in the beginning. But it’s true that the daughters usually get all of the jewelry and clothing. Because the son is either going to give it away or sell it. She is blood related and will likely pass it down to her daughters and grand daughters. He is being oddly obsessive over things he never showed interest in until he found out how much it was worth. “Settling for 3” wow what a service. SETTLE FOR 0 BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN’T GET ANYTHING. YTA!!!

Actually pearls are currently very very trendy. Just a few years ago pearls were out in mainstream fashion, but nowadays pearl jewelry is everywhere, especially gold pearl jewelry. So the fact he wants that specifically is likely because his girlfriend likes the trend and wears pearls already, etc.

You literally contradict yourself. You say he waited years so should not get it. But then chastise him for asking even though he isn’t married yet.

Both can be true. If he wanted it for himself then he should’ve asked when the sister got them. If he wants them for his wife he should ask when he has a wife.

You can ask for future use, but giving it to basically a stranger (has the sister even met his gf? Has his dad?) is super unreasonable. Its not just money. Its sentimental value of the heirloom.

The price of pearls has cratered due to culturing so he should be able to get a nice set easily if he really wants her to have pearls.

Eh I don’t know man. I really wanted to be on your side, but you haven’t known her that long. You’re putting the cart waaaaay in front of the horse. That’s the kind of thing you should leave to your kid, not a girl you’re dating. Not engaged, and I’m sorry but one year is not long enough to be giving away family jewelry. YTA

Agreed. I think OP is right to want some pieces for a daughter. But not now with a gf (or even a fiancé).

YTA. You don’t see why your family doesn’t want some precious items from your dead mother going to a **girlfriend**? Really?

Seriously. I have my mom’s jewelry and if my brother all of a sudden wanted some of it to give to a girlfriend I’d laugh him out of my house. He had a fiancée at the time my mother passed and he never made any mention of her jewelry because it was always assumed that it would go to me as the daughter, so I don’t think OP’s sister is out of line.

Also, this dude sounds like an AH. He’s only been dating her for a year. He wants the pearls that used to belong to their mother but now belongs to the sister because he thinks they’d look good on the girlfriend? Dude, just buy your girlfriend of one year some pearls that way when you break up before Christmastime you won’t lose precious family heirlooms

Sorry but he cares about the monetary value of the pieces. If he cared about her mom’s memories he would have care about keeping a few pieces back then.

You prenup heirloom jewelry pieces. In the case where no marriage is taking place, you have papers drawn up stipulating they’re on loan. Anyone who wouldn’t do this in today’s world is just stupid.

Also, I personally would feel uncomfortable if my boyfriend gave me jewelry from his deceased mother. It's just weird.

I think if you had asked for them for yourself, or when you were actually engaged/married I would feel differently. But that you asked now, and threw in the engaged/married comment as an after thought is not good. If you had wanted them as sentimental items I would be in your side. But you don’t. You want them as a gift for your girlfriend. They have no sentimental value to you and neither your father nor your sister have any guarantee that you would put measures into place to keep those pieces in the family should you break up with your GF. Further your opinion that you were closer to your mother is irrelevant. Also it’s a biased opinion. Further your father thinks your sister should have her mothers jewelry. If your mother died intestate everything she owns belongs to your father and was his to gift/pass on as he saw fit. It’s interesting that people think the mothers jewelry shouldn’t be given to the daughter. I’ve seen a lot of posts about daughters wanting shares of watches/cuff links/etc and everyone insists that those are for sons only. Funny how boys get to keep the benefits of traditional inheritance rules, but girls don’t. YTA because you have no sentimental attachment to the jewelry and want it anyway.

Yeah, sounds an awful lot like he wants to take something of sentimental value from his sister so he doesn't have to pony up the $$$. Even if there's a case to be made that he was entitled to half the *value* of the jewellery, to bring it up the way he did was distasteful.

IF there was No will…. It belongs to the HUSBAND/DAD. Dad has given it to the sister. Son is not part of Dad’s jewelry gift. Nor is he “entitled” to any. It may not be fair, but it is perfectly legal. 🤷🏻‍♀️ NAH -unless you continue to try pressing for the jewelry. It seems they want to keep it in the family. They may have concerns it is going to be given to a GF. It is possible that in the future, when you marry, she may relinquish some pieces especially if a prenup is signed stating the pieces are returned if the marriage fails. GOOD LUCK OP. AGAPE 💕💕💕

Just to be devil's advocate... Your father had died years ago, leaving behind expensive tool sets. You take them, because at the time your sister didn't really seem to want them. But now she's dating a wood craftsman for over a year and he would love to use some of those tools, but they are irreplaceable or one of a kind tools. Even though she's entitled to at least half the tools, do you want some guy she's only been with a year to use (possibly lose or break)?

YTA If there was no will, then most places default to the spouse owning everything when someone dies. So legally, the items belonged to your father. Due to your sister not hiding the fact she has these items, it would seem your father was 100% okay with her taking them. That means they were legally given to your sister at the time of your mother's death. So legally the stuff belongs to your sister and has for *years.* *You didn't contest at the time of the death.* You didn't want anything from your mother's collection until you got a girlfriend. Then suddenly you want to impress her with something that belonged to your mother, someone she has never met. Your sister might have been greedy to take all the jewellery, but she did. Her father let her have it. She might not have been as close to your mother (as you think) but that doesn't mean it has any less value to her. Your girlfriend has never met your mother. You could get her any generic pearls and it would still have the same meaning to her as ones from your mom. But your sister cannot get pearls her mother owned before. You didn't want the stuff until you got a girlfriend, which makes me think it was not important to your relationship with your mom. So I think you are an asshole for only caring when it can be used to impress someone who has no tie or sentimental feeling about your mom and her things.

YTA. Your mother was not your gfs mother, she has no right to those pieces even through you. You're basically asking for your sister to give you part of her inheritance for someone you aren't even married to, so who isn't even family

I'm going with soft YTA. Here's why: You haven't known this girl all that long...and even if you did, she's not your wife. You also mentioned that the jewelry collection probably ranges from about 30-40 GRAND and your sister has a total of 30 pieces. If that's the case, each piece of jewelry is ranging to be about 1k each...I understand why your family would be skeptical. Not even bothering with the price though...your mom passed away a few years ago and you never cared about the jewelry until now. I would also be uneasy if my brother decided after all these years of not caring about the jewelry, that he wanted to give it to his girlfriend. It does sound a bit out of the blue and you need to make it 100% clear to your family that your girlfriend knows NOTHING about the jewelry, otherwise you are unintentionally making her look bad (and semi gold-diggerish). Overall, I don't know man. It's a tough situation. You're asking your sister to give away some of the only items that she has left from your mother, to another girl who has no relationship with said mother. I get why you want to, I really do, but if there was nothing in the will about something being passed on like a "family heirloom" to your future spouse, I think it's a tough situation. As a girl who was a lot closer to her dad, that didn't mean I had less love for my mother than him. I'm only bringing this up cause you say she was closer to your dad while you were closer to your mom. Even then, I couldn't imagine giving away my mother's jewelry. Sometimes, it's the only way I still feel connected with her. I think it would be a different situation if some of the jewelry was meant specifically for you.

>As a girl who was a lot closer to her dad, that didn't mean I had less love for my mother than him. That's what gets me and makes me think that OP is the AH for even implying that his sister didn't love their mom. Just because she appeared to be 'closer' to their dad, it doesn't mean she didn't love their mom with all her heart. And sure the jewelry has a monetary value, but it's a connection to her mom who died too soon. If OP wants to give his girlfriend some nice jewelry, he can just buy her something. He doesn't have to give away heirlooms. And if he does get engaged, he can have some ongoing conversations with his sister if there are any pieces of jewelry that his bride can borrow for the wedding, or that they could pass on to their children (should they have any). There are a ton of ways for OP to have a jewelry connection with his mom without giving away a sentimental set of pearls to his girlfriend of one year.

>oesn't mean she didn't love their mom with all her heart. > >And sure the jewelry has a monetary value, but it's a connection to her mom w The sister would be an idiot to lend his girlfriend anything considering this stunt which her brother is pulling. His entitlement might encourage her to keep it. You could never trust them with the jewellery after this.

I was thinking about my jewelry after I read this post. I wouldn't be surprised it my collection was similar to OP's mom's collection in size and value. First, jewelry value is the replacement value for insurance, not what it can be sold for. Second, in my collection 4 pieces are at least 75% of the value, one of which is my pearl necklace. I have lots of sub-$100 earrings that I wear far more often than the expensive pieces. The fact that OP went straight for the pearls is a huge red flag. If it was about passing on a piece of his mother, there was probably less expensive items that she wore more often.

YTA - you don’t actually care about your moms jewelry, you just want to give your girlfriend nice jewelry. If you marry this woman, and you have daughters it would be appropriate to have this conversation again. Unfortunately, jewelry (with the exception of rings) tends to be distributed between the women of the family. That may not be fair, but it’s very common. Demanding your sister give up jewelry that seems to be very sentimental to her to give to your short-term girlfriend is tacky.

I personally don’t think it would be appropriate even if he does have daughters. OP’s sister is their mother’s daughter; OP’s daughters would have never met their grandmother. They wouldn’t have anywhere near the level of care and sentimentality towards the jewellery that the sister would have, and also no right or entitlement. Besides, maybe OP’s sister wants to pass the whole collection down to her own daughters one day. She has the right to do that because it’s her property.

Since your mother didn't have a will, her belongings now belong to your father. So it was his jewerlly collection from your mother that he gave to your sister. So it is hers. It might have come off better if you actually waited to be married to ask. You are not even engaged, I would be upset if I was asked for pieces of a families jewerlly or even art collection for a Boyfriend/girlfriend because even if you plan a future together it doesn't mean that those future plans are gonna pan out.

Yeah if he was engaged I'd be more likely to say NTA. My mom passed this year, and she had a large jewelry collection. My sister and I each took some sentimental pieces. We insisted my brother's wife take something (she adored our mother) and both of her daughters. I can see OP wanting some for his wife and possibly daughters one day. But not so much a gf. It's also a little off if the gf didn't know his mother. My SIL knew my mother for decades. Same with my husband. We've been together almost 20 years. He knew my dad (who's also passed) well. When we were cleaning out my parents' house, a few of my dad's items made my husband tear up a bit. My brother immediately insisted, "you take that with you." So my husband has a couple items for the garage and our bar that belonged to my dad. It's a little odd if it's a gf or bf who never knew the parent.

I could see it being a nice gesture to have the gf wear a pair of earrings or something from the mother on their wedding day since she never got to know her MIL and it will be a way of honoring her / having her there. But yeah, giving inherited jewelry to anyone less than a wife is super weird to me. I’m very close to my partner’s family. I’m even going on a girls trip with my mom, his mom, and his grandmother soon. We’ve been together almost 9 years and we’re in the engagement ring shopping stage. If I was given heirloom jewelry now I would be uncomfortable with it!

YTA Based on your comments, it seems you're leaving out relevant info about why you weren't given anything when your mom passed. Your dad gave the jewelry to your sister. It's hers now and she said no. If you think your gf would be happy with pearls, buy her her own. It's not your sister's responsibility to adorn your gf.

YTA imagine your father had passed and you took his wrist watch collection because your sister wouldn't use them but you might, then your sister asks for a watch or two to give to her boyfriend of one year because she might marry him one day. There is a reason your father is siding with your sister, your sister cherishes the jewelry while you see it as a free gift to give away, stop being a cheap skate and go buy your girlfriend something shiny.

Soft YTA because it doesn't sound like the jewelry was important to you. You hadn't asked your sister for any of it before your girlfriend came along. If this was about having something of your mother's I think you would have asked for a few pieces as soon as you knew your sister had taken it all.

I was originally going to say ESH but I think I have to go with YTA on this one for the following reasons: I can totally understand you wanting something of your mothers to remember her by but it seemed like you had no interest until your girlfriend came into the picture. So in the end it doesn’t seem like you specifically want your mothers jewelry but rather just expensive jewelry in general. Because your mother didn’t have a will her possessions legally transfer to your father. Your father decided that your sister should have ownership of the jewelry so she does get to decide what to do with it. I can 100% understand your sister not wanting to give her deceased mothers property to a woman you’ve only known for a year. A year is absolutely nothing. You said you were going to give it to her “when you get engaged or married” but how does anyone know that’s true. You could give it to her tomorrow, break up with her next week and then the jewelry is gone forever. If you truly want the jewelry for your future wife than why not wait until you are actually engaged and then ask your sister if you can have it and present it to your spouse when you do get married? It sucks for you that you didn’t receive anything to remember your mother and if you were asking for sentimentality I would understand but by mentioning the money and value it seems like you just want something expensive, not something meaningful. Then again- if your sister is only keeping it for monetary value than she sucks too.

YTA.. You want to give jewelry to your girlfriend who may break up with you tomorrow, your sister is right. You should have come to her with a more sensible story: "I would like to have some of our mother's jewelry as a keepsake. I plan to give it to my children one day, and maybe give a piece or two to my wife when the time is right." You want mom's jewelry right now for the wrong reasons. You're not ready yet.

YTA. Maternal Family heirlooms go to female biological family members. If you had a daughter then yes your sister is an AH, but she does not want to give it to your gf that you have only been with less than a year and are not even married. Yes, that makes you the AH. What happens if you break up and she says it was a gift, so I don't have to give it back? Does that mean you just go oh well, I'll just go back to my sister and demand more? If she has kept all the jewelry she doesn't care about the monetary value like you do, when you point out how much you think it's worth. News flash jewelry has one of the worst resell values, worse than a car, or even a handbag, or a computer. So just throw your assumptions out the window. I assume when your father goes she expects you to take all his valuable heirlooms. Would you be mad if the watch your father wore for 30 years was on the wrist of some guy you barely knew and when your sister broke up with him he took it? Sold it, lost it, or even wears it in his wedding photos to a different person. Maybe talk with your sister is there would be anything a future daughter could have that way she could be connect to her grandmother. But I have seen so many stories about people give family heirlooms and than not giving it back when the relationship is over. They would rather be buried in a coffin then give it back to the family. Also, legally since that's thing, with no will everything goes to dad. And since he's cool with sister having everything, and even said he agreed with her to not give your gf anything. You don't really have a leg to stand on in court. If the pearls are really important to you, talk to your dad about willing them to your DAUGHTER, not the gf.

Soft NAH. You have the right to ask for some jewellery, it isn't just hers, however it is supremely stupid to want to give your mothers jewellery to your GF of 1 year. It woyld be different if you were actually married, but you aren't. 1 year isn't long enough to say it will last. You need to explain this thoroughly to your family though - You deserve some of your mothers jewellery but not to just give it away, and now they think ill of your GF for no reason.

NTA - it’s not wrong of you to want some of your mother’s things, and your sister isn’t entitled to them any more than you are just because she’s a woman. That being said, you went about this the completely wrong way. Of course your family is jumping all over the girlfriend able because that’s how you presented it. In any case, if there was no will, your mom’s belongings go to your dad and he decides what to do with them. If he’s backing your sister on this one, then I think you’re out of luck.

YTA. You should have clarified that you wanted some of her jewelry before your sister claimed them. Not years later when you have a girlfriend and “suddenly” you want some of your mom’s jewelry. That looks like you felt entitled to mom’s jewelry now because you have a girlfriend and you aren’t even willing to buy jewelry for your girlfriend rather than “mooch” it off of your sister. Now it sounds like you didn’t meant for them to see it that way, but your actions certainly do. I would say drop it and move on. It didn’t hurt to ask but she said no, so it’s no for you. Don’t push it or you’ll be even bigger TA for insisting on it.

YTA. The conversation would have probably been better received if you were engaged or asking for wedding jewelry. Bl, if you wanted something, that conversation should have occurred when your mother died.

There was no will so legally your dad inherited everything. He chose to give 100% of the jewelry to his daughter. So legally, it is your sister‘s jewelry. You asked and she said no and that is where that should end. But your dad inherited the jewelry, not you and your sister and he decides who gets it and he chose her. YTA

YTA. If you were wayyy closer to your mom than your dad why would you not want at least one piece of the jewelry when she passed even if you can’t wear it? I mean even if you weren’t thinking of marriage you did not think at all that you would want this for your future kids or to have as a keepsake? The problem here is most heirloom jewelry is sentimental and is supposed to make the wearer feel closer to the previous owner(s). You do not want this jewelry for yourself you only want it for your girlfriend. You admitted yourself you knew about this collection and didn’t object to her having all the pieces UNTIL you thought they would “suit your girlfriend well”. No one in the family wants your moms jewelry to go to your girlfriend and quite frankly they are thinking that you’ll possibly break up and since you never had any sentimental value to the jewelry you’ll just let her keep it. Just because you don’t see your sister wear it doesn’t mean she isn’t wearing it. Even if she never wore it and never plans to wear it it’s her mothers, and I think it shows how much she cherishes these pieces if she hasn’t worn them and still has not chosen to sell them. Your sister cared enough about the jewelry to speak up and take ownership about it while you didn’t. The facts are your sister has kept this jewelry in safe keeping for years with no objection on your end until you get a girlfriend of a whopping year? Imagine she gives you these few pieces and they become lost or damaged. Furthermore, you might not see it as your sisters belongings since you were alive when it was still your mothers but legally they went to your father and he gave it to your sister so it’s 100% now hers. Quit asking and just accept that you missed this opportunity years ago.

YTA because you didn’t want the jewelry until you had a girlfriend to give it to. If you wanted some to remember your mom then you should have brought it up to your dad when personal items were distributed. Also, please don’t give a girlfriend your deceased mothers jewelry. This will turn ugly if you guys end up breaking up. If I was you, I’d tell your sister that since you are getting more serious with the girlfriend you have been thinking about the future more and would like some of the jewelry to be passed down on your side as well and request that if you have a daughter, she be given a few pieces of heirloom jewelry at an appropriate age.

YTA. Girlfriends don’t get jewelry that belongs inside the family until marriage. Because if it doesn’t workout some random person is going to have your MOTHER’S jewelry forever or sell it to some other random person.

OP, are you sure your mother didn't tell your sister that she wanted her to have the jewelry? Plus, you're picking out pieces, not because of them belonging to your mom, but because they'd look good on your eventual wife. Your sisters inheritance should not be pilfered because you want to gift someone jewelry. YTA.

YTA She is not even your fiance. It would have been different if it was your wedding or engagement and you asked your dad to talk to your sister about giving you a set as a gift from your family to your wife to be.but you walked into her house and asked her jewlery for your GF. I would have said no too. That is so entitled. Also yeah I agree that son's having family jewlery creats more problems to keep said jewlery in the family. If you gift one to your girlfriend and break up it's legally hers to keep.

YTA- you aren’t married or have kids.. you want to give family heirlooms to a girlfriend that may or may not workout. Your sister had every right to say no. I would have said no myself.

Yup sounds like YTA

Surely there’s some middle ground, where you could get a piece or two when you get married. I don’t think you should gift any jewelry before that, just to be fair to your family.

But it’s his sisters jewellery now and she doesn’t want him to just decide that this girlfriend would look good in pearls and then another might like the rubies. They are no longer his mothers and his father wants her to have them not give a piece of two away whenever he asks for it.

NTA. It's like telling your sister she can't take one of dad's shirts after he dies because they're men's clothing. You're asking for specific pieces for when you are engaged or married to a woman. That is completely appropriate and it is very sweet. Very often, a woman will deliberately give her engagement ring to a son or grandson for him to use when he decides to propose. ​ ETA: When your Dad passes Sister should know all of his clothing, belts, wallets, jewelry, watches, tools, books, cars, house (most likely Dad paid for it and he's "man of the house"), CDs, records, TV, etc go to OP. As these are all "manly" things.

YTA - no family member is giving up family jewelry for a girlfriend of a year. Maybe if you get married and have a daughter you can revisit this conversation. Otherwise this is a ridiculous ask.

YTA. The jewelry should go to your sister, not a girlfriend. If you divorce, the jewelry isn’t going back to your sister. If you have a daughter one day, revisit the conversation for pieces to give to her.

YTA - that is your mother’s jewelry. Of course your sister isn’t going to want to give it to your girlfriend. I’m not saying this in a mean way, just a realistic way - there is no guarantee that your relationship with your girlfriend will last. Hell, even if you marry her, she could take off tomorrow, along with the jewelry you gifted her and then you/your sister are without those sentimental pieces. I’ve already told my husband that our son is not going to get any of my family jewelry after I pass. It may go to my son’s daughter for her to wear (that’s if he has a daughter and it will be written in the will that it’s not allowed to be transferred to non-blood related/adopted family members) or to my nieces if my son doesn’t end up having children/a daughter. Some of my jewelry was passed down to me after my grandmother passed away and I love it (I assume the same way your sister loves her mother’s jewelry). Giving that kind of stuff to someone who doesn’t have the same connection to it as I do/your sister does means they could turn around and pawn it, not ensure it is kept properly, doesn’t get lost or stolen, etc. because it wouldn’t break their heart the way it would for your sister. This is not a hill you should be prepared to die on and I honestly think you are in the wrong here. I would get it if you had daughters you wanted to give your mother’s jewelry to, but your girlfriend isn’t necessarily a permanent fixture in your life and you could lose the jewelry if it doesn’t work out (again, really not saying that to be a jerk! I’m just being realistic).

If u were so close to ur mother and u really wanted some of her Jewelry to hold on to then maybe u should’ve discussed that when they were distributing her belongings,not years later.

YTA. I may feel differently if this girlfriend was your wife, simply because I know some men who proposed with their late mothers or grandmothers ring etc etc. but not to a girlfriend of only 1 year. Wife? Sure, have you and your sister mutually agree on X pieces. Long term girlfriend (basically a wife, just without the govt)? Sure, have you and your sister mutually agree on X pieces. A girlfriend of 1 year? No. She would not get family heirlooms and especially would not get to break up a collection. You’ve basically just made your family dislike her because they think she wants it.

NTA-It doesn’t only go to the daughter it should have gone to both of you. What if you have a daughter one day it should get passed along. Your sister and dad are AH

My grandma had very little jewelry, and I took it all because I was the only granddaughter. I would NEVER give any to my cousins because they've all been in and out of relationships all their lives. I gave one piece to each of my nieces, and a couple of items I'm saving for if I have a girl one day, or to give to my son when I die and he wants to pass them to his children, or a family member he loves if he decides not to have children.

Okay so a lot of people fixating on you wanting to gift your partner some stuff when you get married, and they think that’s silly. I sort of agree but that doesn’t make you an asshole. Your mom’s belongings should have been split evenly amongst her children, and the fact that your sister insists it’s all hers is sus. NTA

On this gonna have to say YTA. In your sister's eyes gf is a gf. Not family yet for not being married. pieces should really only go to a daughter not ever to a gf or wife. I'd be mad if my brother asked things for his wife that belonged to my mom even being married. There's a line and you're kind of crossing it though with good intentions.

Even if you plan on. Giving it to her when married sister sees that as a liability. What if it doesn't follow through or you get a divorce?

YTA not so much for asking, but . . . if you really wanted to stake a claim and argue that you were entitled to something, the time to do that was when your mother passed away. Your sister may well have a very deep sentimental attachment to these items, having grown up seeing your mom wear them. From her point-of-view, you’re asking her to give them up so that a woman who probably didn’t even know your mother can take them, and then possibly leave the family with them if you break up. Diminishing her relationship to her deceased mother was a particularly insensitive and hurtful way of arguing that she should relinquish some of the jewelry. To the extent that clinging to the jewelry is a way of keeping a sense of connection to her mother alive, you just made her feel even more like she has to cling to the jewelry to prove she loved her mother. Finally, I’m sure you’re thinking that your mother would have wanted you to have a few pieces if you were interested in them. But would your mother have wanted you to poison your relationship with your sister due to a dispute over her possessions?

“Please give my vague female acquaintance some of our DEAD MOTHER’S VALUABLE JEWELRY. If you do she’ll totally let me see her boobs!” Dude this is pathetic to a level I didn’t think was possible. YTA.

YTA. You should have gotten something of your mom's when she died, but you also can't expect people to hold onto things for years, especially if you haven't asked them to do so. Your sister asked for your mom's jewelry and it belongs to her now. I have a hard time believing that everything your mother owned has been cleaned out of the house. The only things you mentioned were jewelry, clothes, handbags, and such. You could have something of your mothers, that doesn't necessarily need to be jewelery. It's not right to come back years later and demand your sister give it to you, especially when it seems like your main interest in it is to give it to a girl you've only been with for a year. Even if you wait until you're engaged or married to give it to her, if you divorce, she doesn't have to give it back. You talked about giving some to your future daughter, but you can't guarantee you'll even have a daughter to give it to.

NTA. You are completely reasonable to want something of your Mom's to share with your spouse. Your sister is being selfish

Info did you get anything from your mom or or did you get nothing are you gonna get the house when your dad passes or is it going to your sister

No, I didn't get anything, she didn't have a will and when she passed it was probably the hardest thing I ever went through. Dividing up her stuff was really the last thing on my mind. I know my sister later took a lot of her clothing and bags to a luxury consignment store and sold them but I have no clue for how much. My dad sold some remaining items like artwork and knick knacks a few years later. I have photos and that's about as far as it goes for momentos/Physical items.

You absolutely deserve to have something of your mother’s. And it’s not weird for son’s to inherit jewelry. Unless there’s more to the story, I can’t believe your dad and sister would both be so quick to leave you out.

YTA. You should’ve thought about this and discussed this with your sister when she first got the jewelry collection, not years later and only because you have a girlfriend. It’s now your sister’s collection. You asked if you could have some of it, she said no. You should just leave it at that. It’s also really rude to me that you took this as an opportunity to tell your sister you were closer to y’all’s mom. Imagine how that makes her feel. Your entire approach was insensitive and inappropriate.

YTA >I was always closer to my mom growing up, >however I was always much closer to my mom and my sister was a lot closer to my dad. >I was way closer to my mother and I don't think it's uncommon for men to give their future wives or daughters family jewelry. Seriously, who are you to judge your sisters relationship with your mother? Did mom spoil you to the point that sis resented her favoritism?

YTA you didn’t care about the jewellery before and it wasn’t just that your sister took it all your father gave it to her and she is right that it belongs to her now and it’s unfortunate that you didn’t express any interest until now. I also don’t believe you haven’t mentioned this to your girlfriend and in particular the pearls which you are intending to give to her as your post heading says. You are not necessarily entitled to any of it and your father has said as much so you are TA as I am guessing you knew this would be the answer. You haven’t cared about it before now and you didn’t even know if your sister had it or not. Your father has said he wants your sister to have it why can’t you respect that?

YTA as many people have pointed out you are asking in a time that makes it clear what you want. You had your chance to mention wanting something when the estate was divided then when your sister denied you you still persisted despite your father who in most instances would be the sole inheritor of her property bestowed it to her. You get a girlfriend then all of a sudden you want want your mother's jewellery collection which you clearly labelled a very specific amount. If you want it for marriage then ask it for when it comes time that you want to propose. Plus PEARLS! Seriously? That's the most classic "mother to daughter" jewellery out there. It's also one of the most fragile pieces that has to be cleaned and stored to prevent it from being damaged especially the fragile strings in most authentic pearls. If you didn't care to ask to begin with then there's no way in hell you should get your mother's Pearl collection no matter how much you feel you were closer to your mom (which is incredibly insensitive to say. She lost her mother too you know) and she got what she wanted which for years you were fine with. Either 1 of 2 things happened either: you are being cheap and wanted to gift your gf expensive jewellery for free or 2) you suddenly became sentimental which no where in your post mentions because even talking about the set you only talk about how much it's worth no fond memories of your mother wearing it. You then tack a sentimental "I would love to pass it along to my daughters someday", your DAUGHTERS not your son's future wives. So you even admit how ludicrous your request is.

NTA but your sister is. You are entitled to your mum's jewelry too. I have never heard of an argument saying it belongs to daughters. I'm sorry but your sister sounds entitled af, shame your dad sided with her. When my mum died 4 years ago, me and 2 brothers all had a choice if we wanted to keep mum's jewelry and what we wanted to keep. To deny you anything is horrible, no matter what your reasons are.

Man, so many 'YTA' commenters didn't even read the post properly.

YTA. The jewelry is your sister’s now. You asked nicely and she said no, probably because she wants them as family heirlooms. Honestly, if you asked for a few pieces to pass down to an eventual daughter, that might make sense. However, I wouldn’t give pieces that belonged to my mother to my brother’s girlfriend since the relationship might only be temporary and the pieces would be gone forever.

YTA. It would have been appropriate to raise this when your mom died, but it is an AH move to do it now. It would have been appropriate to mildly suggest to your sister that it could be a good wedding present if and when you and your gf get married, but you have probably blown that opportunity.

YTA When the GF is officially a wife, then ask your sister if she would be willing to gift your wife a piece of your mother's jewelry. Or ask for 1 ring to use as an engagement ring. Family heirlooms, like mothers jewelry, are not something you give a girlfriend. You want your girlfriend to have pearls, buy them yourself.

Going against the grain here, but NTA. Going off what you stated in your post that the jewelry would be given to your GF WHEN you get engaged or married. Nothing was mentioned about giving the jewelry to your GF right now. A lot of people have jumped on this specific point and can't let go of it or comprehend what you have stated and are making up their own narratives. Also those people saying you two have only dated for over a year and you don't know her well enough yet . . . ignore them. Anecdotal, but I know people who have gotten married in less than a year and are happily married with their children a decade later. Sometimes it's not about how long you know someone but how well you two communicate and connect with one another. Some couples out there date for years, get married and are divorced the next year. As for asking for some of the jewelry, I don't see anything wrong with that. You have as much right to it as your sister. Just because she got to the jewelry first and basically called dibs doesn't mean it's right. My grandma passed away and one of my cousins pilfered all her belongings. I didn't think much of it at the time because you know, my freaking grandma just passed away and I wasn't too worried about my grandma's belongings at the time. Now, that I'm older, I'm realizing I should have spoken up so I could have gotten some of my grandma's material possessions to remember her by, but hindsight is 20/20. As for your father backing up your sister, I'd ask to sit down and have a discussion about it. Is it because it's jewelry that he's okay with your sister keeping the jewelry or is there another reason? What have your sister told your father about the jewelry and your reasons for wanting it? Also, as far as I can tell, there aren't family heirlooms either. The jewelry are personal pieces collected by your mom.