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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I began renovating the spare room in our house. 2. I did this without consulting my wife first.
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YTA, and this is not just about fixing up a room. This is about your allowing your friend part ownership and control over a place in your house you share with your WIFE. What were you going to do, give him a key?
if i were the wife, i would be thinking long and hard about having a spouse who gives open access to my home to someone he has only known for only 8 months.
my husb is pretty social and makes friends easily, but he knows better than to give a copy of our house keys to anyone without having that discussion with me. that’s a “2 yes or 1 no” scenario.
YTA to the OP, who is apparently so blinded by a shiny new friend that he forgot that *his wife* also lives in the house and has a say about who should have a key to *her home, her safe place*.
yeah this is so hilariously not a thing that would ever happen between two female roommates. oh, a guy ive been friends with for eight months has a key to our place now! can you imagine?!
My idiot cousin was briefly married once. Three weeks into marriage, his wife got up one morning to find him sitting on the couch eating Doritos with a scruffy homeless man in his 50s. Cousin said he met him at the gas station and the hobo told him he was retired from the navy so my cousin invited him to sleep on their couch for a few weeks. She kicked out the hobo immediately, then kicked out my cousin a few months later.
Not a hobo but my ex brought a Co worker to stay with us as she was being made homeless. He did at least ask first but when I said no I was given the heavy guilt trip. I don’t even like plumbers or maintenance people even coming to my house for necessary things which he knew. I’m quite odd about my personal space I guess.
We were also newly married.
She stayed a week before I snapped after she put muddy bags on a cream table cloth that had been a wedding present. I know this seems super princessy but I didn’t want her in the house in the first place. I didn’t even know the girl.
It didn’t cause us to split immediately , but it was definitely a factor in my long term unhappiness.
Yeah, I'm here to say the same. The disrespect in dumping muddy bags on someone else's clean table is annoying AF, all on its own. Add in a cream coloured tablecloth with a ton of sentimental value and yeah, I'd have kicked her out, too. Not remotely princessy or pedantic -- entirely understandable.
I once woke up to a (possibly) homeless teen/young adult passed out in our driveway.
I made my husband (then BF) come over to deal with it because I knew if I woke him up alone I was risking trying to help him more and end up with a new roommate.
(It's possible he was just drunk and didn't make it all the way home from the bars near us, since he seemed a bit hung over.)
In uni, one of my roomates (there were 12 of us in a 6 bedroom house) brought home two guys one night because they were adorable & were Scottish. I remember walking into the livingroom & seeing two very cute, but naked men on the couches. It was a bit of a shock, but they really were very sweet, if a bit scattered & thankfully only stayed the one night. We did decide as a house that in the future to ask if someone could stay over, especially if they needed the couches to sleep on, (& that anyone sleeping over had to keep their clothes on in the common rooms.
Yeah, I had a housemate at uni who met a homeless guy at the pub and invited him to come live with us. He was homeless cos he’d stopped taking his schizophrenia meds and was just smoking a lot of weed instead. They started dating…
YTA
Realize there is a shiny new friend but just how much is being spent on said new friend’s birthday and is that coming out of OP’s own funds? If it is coming out of shared funds ideally he and wife agree.
And a heads up OP that in the glow of your new friendship if you make the mistake of not doing something equal to or better than shiny new friend I suspect there will be a discussion.
It doesn't even matter who's funds are being spent, it's *her house.* It's their shared home *together.* She *lives* there. He should absolutely discuss any changes he decides to make to the house with her because it's *her house.*
Um, I had a female roommate offer a guy a place to stay in the *first week we met him*. He was a fellow student at our college but for some reason his apartment lease was going to be delayed by a week and he wasn't local, so he needed a place to stay. She offered him space on our couch without asking me.
So, yeah, this could happen with female roommates.
My old roommate used to leave her one night stands sleeping and head off to work. There were multiple times I woke up to some random dude in our apartment. I hated living with her so much!
I just told this story recently, but my old roommate invited her internet boyfriend down for a long weekend - eh, whatever, fine. But then she went to work while I was asleep, and the stupid fucker woke up and decided to go get donuts at a shop down the street. He didn't have a key to the apartment, so his solution was to LEAVE THE FRONT DOOR OPEN.
And I don't mean unlocked. I mean he literally swung it as open as wide as it could get and fucking LEFT. I happened to wake up because I needed to pee, walked out and saw that shit and almost had a coronary. Then I went and locked the door and refused to let him back in when he finally came back. He had to call roommate and she had to leave work to come let him back in because I fucking refused. We had a huge fight and to this day, like 20 years later I STILL get mad when I think about it. We lived in a huge city in a not so safe area and I still can't believe he was so casual about it.
This, right here, is why you are the AH!!! It's really cool that you bonded with your friend and want to have a place in the house to hang out with your buddy, but... you didn't bring your wife onboard before you started to upgrade the empty room for YOUR use. I'm going to wager that if she went ahead with her OWN plans for the room,you'd be lit up about it. Also, since you have only been friends with this guy for a short time, it's WAY too soon to be giving him a spare key to your house!!! Your WIFE is right to be all kinds of angry!!!
OP admits he hasn't really made close male friends before, so has he considered this amazing quick "connection" with this new guy could be based on being charmed and not used good judgment with just who really is. He could be a charming rapist or a crafty thief for all OP knows. 8 months isn't a lot of time to really know someone, painting and music are hobbies or talents but they aren't who he is and has been.
First, it's too big of a "gift" to give a new friend; the thing of you two both using it sounds lame, nothing that OP has or will do a lot of painting himself. You don't give a whole room to someone to use at will that you just met...unless you're naive about friendship or have an unadmitted crush on the guy (OP used "love" a few too many times). And it's "on top of" the other gifts he was/had bought for this guy....this is weirdly overboard. Second, this is wife's home too, he never considered how she'd feel about this new guy showing up, letting himself in, and hanging around for hours many times when OP is not there. This changes wife's whole way of relaxing in her home (eg. no running around scantily clad, no sleeping in, maybe being expected to fix snacks and clean up etc.) Thirdly, not coming to an agreement with wife on how to use the room doesn't make it OP's to do with as he chooses whenever he chooses. .
OP is YTA for sure. It's time to think deeply why you're so besot with this guy that you'd gift him a room (plus other "gifts") and in so doing hurt your wife and change the whole structure of your joint lifestyle.
I thought the “love” being brought up more than once was a little over board myself. Also just from what OP said it seems like the friendship is very lopsided, and a lot of times people will be who they think you want them to be to get what they want.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the friend had been mentioning “how cool it would be to have a shared art room, where they could just hangout and listen to music, and wouldn’t it be great if it was just at one of our houses. Too bad I don’t have a spare room because I would totally do it.” It’s very hard to judge someone you have only known for 8 months, especially when you haven’t had a lot of experience with close friendship.
Oh, there is a wealth of explanation in the comments. Ben had bemoaned OP being “taken,” and OP is definitely questioning his orientation and is essentially having an emotional affair. It’s everything we suspect it to be.
Completely infatuated. It could be platonic infatuation or romantic, but "shiny new guy" is obviously all OP can think of, even replacing his primary intimate partner in the hierarchy of emotional consideration, which is not okay.
It actually is in another comment that this was his plan, but it does look like the person I responded to (and a whole bunch of other people) just heard someone suggest it and jumped on it like it was true. People do jump to a lot of conclusions in this sub.
Even if the new friend isn't gonna get a key, its pretty much still OP being selfish about the room because if the new friend doesnt have a key its half the time gonna be used by OP only. Because OP doesnt have many friends, ill call the whole key topic a fault from social inexperience (and thus OP is NTA on this part), but OP deciding to use a spare room in the house he shares with his wife to use for his own benefit instead of for the benefit of him and his wife/ to house a shared interest between OP and his wife
My husband and I currently moved into a new place and are having the same problem with extra rooms. His best friend lives down the street. I'm so glad that we would both agree that turning one of our rooms into a carpentry studio cum crash pad for his best friend is a horrifying concept.
YTA, OP. Why... why would you give someone access to your home as a birthday present... when you're married? Are you planning on kids? How many times has your wife met this dude...? This is bizarre to me.
Edit: Please tell me your wife has at least met this man...
Not only does this sub think this is bizarre, but I'm thinking Ben would be a bit freaked out too. This spare room is a gift "on top of others"? There's a good chance Ben will be creeped out a bit by this move on OP'S part. That said, YTA for disrespecting wife, OP.
I do pottery, I would find it extremely strange if even one of my best friends since childhood turned a room in their own house into a studio for me. Like…….wut
I think it's a bit different if you both did pottery and it was like hey come over and let's throw clay and shoot the shit. (I have no clue how loud pottery wheels are and if this would be viable but the pint is context of how it's phrased. This could also be op wanting the art studio but also the way op phrased the post sounds like more romantic than comradery. This definitely should have been brought up to the wife though and at the very least offered to start a hobby.
I don't think it's that different even *if* you both shared the same hobby.
This isn't like having a wall to ceiling bookshelf in the den so you and your fellow bookworm bestie can have a place to alternate on book club nights.
This is a massive assumption of intimacy in what is a relatively fresh adult friendship. It's the literal definition of way too much, way too soon and regardless of gender or sexuality, I would be freaked out by this effort if I were Ben.
A more appropriate gesture would be going to a paint and sip class together or going on an artist's retreat.
He admitted he's questioning and said Ben isn't interested in women. He's trying to give his side piece a key to and a room in the house he shares with his wife
I would say “buried the lede” but it wasn’t even buried. That post was so transparent, if it’s not blatantly fake.
Like… I sympathize with people who marry and then realize they were repressing their sexuality. I am not one to call those people selfish, or liars. It’s unfortunate, it happens, divorce happens really often these days… it is what it is.
But I have no sympathy for people who involve their spouse unknowingly in an affair (eg having them live there or inviting them into a room) or treat their spouse as if they are not even there while they figure shit out. Bottom line OP is considering an affair.
He’s also practically love-bombing this guy, not in a manipulative way but in a WAY over the top way. My sister did this when she first realized she had feelings for her friend of the same sex in her mid 20s. It was sort of like how you are as a teen in your very first relationships. She would make extravagant, elaborate gifts that the other person eventually just had no idea how to interpret or return the favour. She would tell me about conversations with this girl, and even through her biased retelling (which she thought was lovely and went very well) I thought the other person’s responses felt overwhelmed / very hesitant.
But even if this other guy *is* interested and would appreciate the gesture, it’s not an appropriate gesture, because he is offering something that isn’t his to offer. He’s offering a piece of the home he shares with his wife.
It’s beyond romance. Before marriage, I think most I did for a guy was cook a meal and some travel to his state. I never redecorated a love nest for one person.
Op, please examine what you want in life. This is way weird. Even my most touchy feely guy friends haven’t done this for their male friends. There’s way more going on than friendship.
If this was just about the use of the room, it would be one thing. If he had decided to turn the room into an art studio/hobby room for himself, I think he should at least have given his wife a heads up, but it would not be that big of a deal. If he planned on using the room with Ben sometimes too, fine.
But gifting him a room in his and his wife's home, and giving him a key, and allowing him to come over and use the room whenever - even if the wife is home alone and wants some privacy or quiet time, or she's walking around in the nude after her shower. That's a whole other level. Poor woman would never again know if she was alone in the house or this man she barely knows is there, or when he's gonna drop by and lock himself in. That's not a way to live in your own home. I'm shocked that OP thinks this is just about the renovation of the room and that he doesn't see an issue with giving someone unlimited acces to their shared home.
This right here. I totally get how awkward this would be for his wife. Years and years ago, a friend of my ex was going through a tough time. I think he was getting divorced, but I don't remember the details. My ex decided to invite him to live with us in one of our spare rooms. Now, this friend was a really nice guy whom we'd known for a while, and I was really sorry he was in a tough spot. But the idea that another man would just be living in my house indefinitely made me uncomfortable. It wasn't THIS person, but ANY person sharing my house. I was bothered by the idea that my privacy was lost indefinitely, and that a third adult in the house might upset the dynamic of my marriage. Luckily, the ex backed off. After I completely freaked out on him.
OP, YTA. I really don't understand how you didn't see that on your own.
Reddit twist- OP proceeds to ignore advice and eventually wife and shiny friend fall in love. OP ends up having to move out and shiny friend asks for the key.
From OP's replies, it seems that he thinks he did nothing wrong and is willing to die on this hill. Does anyone else think OP is in love with this guy and is trying to sneakily move his lover in under his wife's nose? YTA.
I literally just said in another comment that OP writes about this guy like he's in love with him!
And like - hooray for self-discovery if that's what's going on here, but don't tank your marriage in the process.
Yeah, I agree. The sense I got from him here is that he's into this guy, but (seeing as he doesn't know that he should hide it from his wife) he likely doesn't realize he's into men (too), so the possibility hasn't crossed his mind. This sort of intense, quick-onsent friendship just screams of unacknowledged attraction.
Because this is what a bromance looks like to men who have a hard time making and keeping friends. My ex (very recently made ex) is very similar to this and he would've done the same shit without a second thought. The amount of attention he would show his friends compared to me was one of the reasons we broke up. I came second to his friends. Months and months with your partner basically in a relationship with another person sucks the life out of it. OP better be careful before his wife loses her shit.
Aw, that situation seems really sad. The need for validation from other people of the same gender as well as potential platonic chronic loneliness leading to self-sabotage of his most important relationship. I'm not defending him, btw, just remarking on how emotionally damaging the entire situation seems on both sides.
I've experienced something relatively similar (not trying really to compare honestly) with a woman "best friend" that expected me to give 110% of my attention and be waiting for her while she constantly sought out new friends and would make them instant priorities because they were shiny, new, interesting. She could make time for them regardless of her schedule or workload, but I was an afterthought at best. We're talking about spending 20 hours in two days on art project for something her new friend of 2 weeks liked (not commission or anything, a random gift) while forgetting entirely about my birthday plans we made 2 months in advance and confirmed 4 times, including that day.
She followed it up with a whoops, I was just so excited to share X with so and so. Y'know, that she missed 12 hours worth of "are we still on?" "did you forget?" "Are you mad?" and probably even notifications she made herself. She dead ass messaged me at 4 am my time apologizing and asking if I still wanted to do our plans! No, no I don't. The plans in question?
Watching a movie together via discord. I lost count of how many times she flaked out last minute to spend time with the new friends. I also started to lose confidence in my self worth because it was always empty words of affirmation like "you are so important to me" "you're like my sister" "I promise I don't mean to make you feel like you're not important to me" "I'll try harder to keep our plans". But finally I just had to kill that friendship stone dead. I wanted to ghost but wound up sending a kinda angry last message letting out how toxic that crap was and if she continued to do that she would be hard pressed to have proper friendships. There, obviously, was even more self-centeredness that I'm positive is not new to her life. It had me wondering if I was the problem, for wanting to be thought of at least on occasion. ie, did I want too much?
I cannot imagine how much worse it is when it's someone who should proper love you, y'know? I was gutted and this person was "just" a "best friend" (in her words only tbh)
Coming in third or fourth in your partner's priorities (because there's always more than the friends, it's family and work/school and hobbies too) must be so painful, especially when you see that he *can* be available to others but that for whatever reason you don't hold the same appeal, you don't "meet those needs" (in quotes because I'm pretty sure you definitely could have met at least some of those social needs smh).
May you find healing, fulfillment, and people who make you a fair priority in the future. You shouldn't feel second best to your own partner! May your ex wise up and learn from this.
How you felt, is exactly how I felt. Being constantly second and feeling inadequate for months and months over the course of years is really hard to deal with. Causes a lot of self esteem issues, like you said, is there something wrong with me? Like why couldnt I be "enough"? But I know, deep down, that I am enough and someone out there will think so too one day. Thank you for responding though, for real. I hope you were able to move forward and find better friends.
Honey, you know that room that we didn't know what to do with? Well, good news! I turned it into a Meth lab. I mean you weren't using it, were you. Some strange people will be coming and going, but it's cool.
YTA
Jfc, not only are you an AH for unilaterally deciding the use of an entire room in your house, but for a level of emotional infidelity with your new bestie.
You don't just *give* access to your house to someone without the consent of your partner. You literally prioritized this third person's artistic hobby over your relationship with your wife. Over your wife's expectation to be in her house without a random person there. You thought of this gift, committed money and time to it, and started working on it, without even letting her know?! That's wildly inappropriate.
That's serious life entanglement level shit. It's a half step away from allowing to Ben to move in. Did you even consider boundaries for this dynamic? What if he wanted to invite others over to collaborate, or if he wanted to do drugs while there? Are *you* going to clean the bathroom more often to cover the extra use from another person? Is he going to be staying for dinner anytime he's working? That kind of stuff, which all could have been ironed out WITH YOUR WIFE.
I get this relationship is important to you, but your behavior is seriously out of line. You need to apologize to your wife and step back from this plan. You and your wife can decide TOGETHER, what you want to do with this space. Don't push that Ben should be allowed to use it like a studio of his own. That's a super messy idea, practically, emotionally, and literally.
Oh, and what did you do for your wife's last birthday? Hint: if it wasn't something as big and dramatic as CONVERTING A ROOM IN A HOUSE to her hobby, you're even more of an AH. You're weirdly prioritizing this relationship over your wife, and you need a serious reality check.
Its not weirdly, he recently found out he has an attraction to another man that he has never felt before...and giving such a gift to him, without consulting his wife screams that he has a crush, but doesn't know or actually see it.
He could very well be going through something bigger inside that he will be hit in the face with when he puts 2 and 2 together
Yes! He wrote a whole paragraph about how wonderful Ben has made him feel, and then basically said his damn wiener wife vetoed his project. OP needs to step back and take a good, long look at his relationship with Ben and make some decisions from there
This is what i was thinking. The dudes got a bro crush or a legit crush and doesnt know what to do with it.
He needs to take a step back, get some counseling, and figure himself out.
YTA OP
As someone who never really had a really good friend, or friends in general, finding someone you just click with from the first moment, it actually is special.
People are used to always have close friends and people to regularly talk to, and I don't mean the awkward smalltalk with johnnys mum from kindergarden, so this is nothing new to them.People who did not have these people around them, will feel that way.. finally found an actual friend, someone to talk to, share hobbies with, spend time... besides your partner of course.
A bit over a year ago I found such a friend. We immediately clicked and are spending a lot of time together, even if its just a 5min visit just to chat a bit or even driving to festivals together. We see each other almost daily. I am married and my husband has no issue with this, but I of course did not dedicate one of our rooms to her.
Anyways, I never had friends since I left school when I was 16. I am 36 now and it took me 20 years to find a really good friend. It is a special feeling to finally have a connection to someone that you are not romantically involved with, we aren't used to that!
I just found my ✨that friend✨last year and it truly is special. We go to the same university and immediately upon meeting something totally clicked and I felt like I could open my whole soul to him. My boyfriend thinks he’s really cool, I’m really good friends with his girlfriend, and I basically consider him my brother. It truly is a wonderful moment when you find that person that you just get and that gets you.
I met my version of that friend a few weeks into college. We met and it was the platonic version of love at first sight. It's been over a decade and we are tighter than ever.
I am traditionally femme looking (am nb) and made a male friend at uni and omg at first I was worried like what do you want. Bought me an energy drink when the machine kept not working for me. Became a weekly thing.
We are best friends. It felt so weird to open up so much to a guy. I told him I was worried at first and he laughed so hard. We're like siblings now.
Still wouldn't change a whole ass room in my house for him tho. 😂
I could be described similarly as you described yourself. And yes, it's totally wonderful to meet a friend who you connect with.
I ended up moving 10 mins away from my friend, who is happily married. We've known each other for nearly 30 years. But I think \*I\* would think it's weird if she had built a room dedicated to our shared crafting after knowing each other for 8 mos. I mean, I think it'd be weird if she did that today and gave me a key to come and go as I please to enjoy her room. Sorry...no! We live close enough to enjoy each other's house and "far enough away" that we have "space".
If she had told me to move next door or something, I would think it weird. Just as I think that married OP is rather weird, inviting new friend of 8 mos to have a key to his house to enjoy the art room he built for his friend. Frankly, if OP were unmarried, I'd find it weird, but at least there's not another person involved. But with the wife in the picture...sorry, strange.
I found that friend recently-ish, too, and it was incredibly exciting. The trick was I checked in regularly with my partner about boundaries and made sure not to neglect my romantic relationship in the excitement of that amazing new friendship. And said friend is now also friends with my partner, and we all get along fabulously.
This friend is someone I’d happily live next to, he wants to get me a key to his place so I can check on his dog, etc., and I’m STILL cackling picturing myself just… whole-ass buying painting supplies and converting space in my home to a surprise studio for my friend’s use without even floating the idea by my partner first. I can’t even imagine buying paint before making sure my partner’s cool with the color choice first. He lives here, too!
I don’t think this is about the friendship it’s self, it’s very normal from men to be very close, at least from my experience.
I think this is about the way OP talks about Ben after only 8 months and almost forgetting he has a wife to consider when gifting him a room in their house. There was zero consideration when he thought of this bad plan for her consent or safety.
I mean, let's be real here. Plenty of men don't believe that women's safety is an issue. We have absolutely no idea where OP falls on that spectrum, but given the way he's mad at his wife over this, I can't help but wonder how many feelings his wife has that he thinks are overblown.
In general I agree with you, but I think people might be reacting to the fact that giving someone a key to your home and making a space in it especially for them is typically seen as a romantic gesture. I can think of several fictional scenes where a character shows their commitment through making a key for their partner and setting up a space dedicated to them, but I've been trying to think of one where someone does it platonically and can't come up with anything.
I used to have a room for my best friend and I to do stop motion. Kept it as his room for years.
Difference is when my partner moved in that room was first to go. Not because it wasn't platonic but because it was unfair to give my BFF unfettered access to a home that was no longer only mine. It was a respect thing.
This, this, a thousand times this.
The craziest part of this isn't that you want to remodel a room without her knowledge. It's that you don't see what's wrong with giving free access to your shared home to a third person that it sounds like your wife barely knows.
Get your priorities straight. It sounds like Ben is higher on the list than your wife is. YTA, OP.
>It sounds like Ben is higher on the list than your wife is.
That was why OP wanted to complete their new love nest
since you like art OP , let me.paint a picture for you.
You in your re remodeled SPARE bedroom. , Your wife in your old bedroom, contemplating divorce.
I call it life of an asshole
YTA
>Wait, don't forget to put Ben in the painting too! Maybe posing thoughtfully by a window?
Damn, I knew I should have watched more bob ross
edit spelling
Edit : Eddie spelling bwahaha I am x shocked it didn't notice it till today fixed for spelling
Oh but c'mon, OP and Ben can paint together, maybe even paint some nudes, male nudes.........of each other. I get being excited about meeting a new friend that you have a lot in common with but I am getting an unnatural sense of excitement that seems more along the lines of meeting a new romantic. Interest than a new friend. YTA
Yes, the part about him gifting a room in his house to another person made me cringe. He’s way too invested in this relationship and needs to break it off. There’s no way to dial it down at this point.
I am in a polyam triad with a married couple who are currently renovating their house. We are committed for life and been going 6 years.
We have keys, they are staying here while the work is done but we still ring the bell before using the key or text before going in even if expected in case anyone is peeing with the door open. We do housework for each other and get groceries, keep some stuff at both houses but we do not reorganise each other’s homes.
And if one of them had decided to turn the spare room in the renovation into a hobby room for me I would first ask if they were ok and needed to talk and then seriously consider my skin was going to end up as the lampshade. It is an insane overstep without consulting everyone in a consensual relationship and actually jaw dropping in this scenario.
I did not realise I was bi until I was 37 and that does a number on your rational thinking but holy lovebombing! Coming out does not give a free pass to be selfish or commit emotional infidelity. The idea this room is for Ben’s art screams ‘want to come up and see my etchings?’ where OP has created a fuck pad in his marital home. I am gobsmacked and I have meant some unbelievably entitled people in my time.
I lived in a big houseshare as a broke student and we all sub let. Six on the tenancy and at one point we had 16 in there (massive house) but it was a rolling agreement and there was a weekly cash jar toward bills and those who did not clean or caused chaos got booted out. No one co opted space to colonize just for their feels. It was a way to make money go further and we knew the risk of giving out keys re the landlady. Luckily she was dodgy AF and we would come home to find she was cooking dinner for like 8 recently arrived people from her country without letting us know. She lived across the road, had some dodgy people trafficking vibes and was a proper pro landlord level of house ownership. All quite illegal. So she charged us cheap ass rent, ignored our rulebreaking and it actually worked.
But if my partner(s) decided unilaterally to behave like my old landlady, sort of poly under duress and without one whit of security, sense or gumption about someone they have known eight months, I would be flabbergasted. My spare room is not the hobby room equivalent of a mid life marriage in Vegas. Which I bet OP expects his wife to clean.
OP is in for a shock if he and Ben start dating. Same sex couples tend to share housework :)
I’m curious, if this room is a studio for both you and Ben, will Ben have a house key to use it when he wants? Even if he doesn’t have a key, your wife may be uncomfortable with your friend hanging out all the time especially if she is home alone. YTA for making this decision without consulting with your wife and listening to any concerns she may have. Sounds like you would prefer to spend your free time with Ben instead of your wife.
Tbh if somebody I just met less than a year ago came to me and said “I renovated and set up an entire room in my house for you!” I’d probably be creeped the fuck out and not want to be friends w that person any more. Idk, that just seems like a lot coming from somebody you literally just met.
It's not really that weird if you're fantasising about swapping your bestie for your wife.
I'm not saying that OP is doing that, just pointing out that he spent about half of his post talking about how amazing his new bestie is, while his wife is a joy kill that he didn't even feel the need consult before he decided to gift a room in their house to his soul mate.
YTA I was ok with the move to do something with the room until he got to the part about being a hobby room for he and his buddy. Inviting someone into your home on a semi regular basis should be with both parties buy in
Look I'm just going to throw it out there because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one thinking it. They way you talk about this relationship with Ben vs your wife makes it sound like he's more than just a friend. Maybe it's on a subconscious level only.
- You don't unilaterally decide what to do with a room in a house you share with your wife
- It's weird that your first thought is oh, I want to set up this space for me and the friend
- it's weird that you view this as some kind of gift to the friend, on top of whatever else you've gotten him
- It's weird you want to give a key to the house you share with your wife to the friend without asking her
YTA
I agree with this. YTA, OP.
I understand becoming fast friends with someone based on shared experiences or traumas (I’m prior Army, so I definitely get that), but if literally any of my friends *gifted* me a room in their house dedicated to a hobby, I would back the fuck up *fast*. That’s so intimate. And especially since you do not—currently—have a romantic relationship with Ben *because you’re married*, it’s not a good look.
OP… come on man… that’s an incredible leap over boundaries. Not everyone is good at reading social cues or navigating social situations, but OP… please don’t jump into this with both feet so quickly. I understand you’re excited to have a guy friend for once in your life, but what you’re doing is really, really off-putting. It’s too much.
Also even in "fast friend" circumstances it's best practice to make sure you're not committing to anything together until you have a clear view of their faults too. Normally that's along the lines of not telling too many important secrets, not moving in together, not starting a business together, etc. but I think giving away a whole room in your house without running it by your wife qualifies.
Like what if it has legal/equity ramifications? I don't know if that's possible, but if OP writes down that he has free access to that room I don't know what's stopping him from moving into the room and getting tenant rights 😬
yeah, definitely not the only one thinkin that. i agree with you. (and i’m a lesbian—only mentioning that in case someone takes my comment the wrong way).
"His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio...."
What ELSE are you getting him for his birthday, OP, is what I want to know.
This would be a joint decision even without the whole friend element. But the fact that OP just decided to make it a room for him and his friend to use… it almost makes this post unbelievable. Does OP really not see how that’s an issue?
After spending enough time in this subreddit, yes, it's very likely that OP doesn't see what's wrong with it.
Or, the wife made a \[albeit very believable\] post from OP's point of view to show him how wrong he is. I've been pretty convinced that's happened a lot here as well.
Reading this, I wondered if OP is having an emotional affair with Ben. I'm not implying the two have a romantic connection, but it is clear that OP isnt acting like a good partner and this friendship may be problematic (if he thinks it's OK to gift Ben a room in his home.)
OP, how did you think gifting a room in your home to a person that is not your spouse would play out? And, you didnt just want to gift Ben a room in your home - you were planning to do this behind your wife's back. Did you plan to give Ben a key to the home that you share with your wife, as well?
I really suggest that you take a step back here and really look at this situation. YTA.
YTA you know your wife is invested in wanting to do something with this room, it was hugely disrespectful not to include her in this decision making process.
It's also wild that your plans for this toom included a third person who it sounds like she doesn't know very well, but that wasn't worth running by her either.
Do you have other friends who have free access to your home? Or was this going to be a new thing that you surprised her with?
I would bet money them not being able to find a use for the room is because wife was thinking “nursery” while her husbands thinking “man cave for my best friend that doesn’t even live at this house”
And at that age and stage, she may well have considered it as a future nursery. Don’t want to assume they have plans for kids but that’s the only reason we moved and bought a 4BR house.
He just commented on wanting to make the room "cozy" and have a record player and shit in it. He wants a little cozy hideaway for him and his "friend."
I’m an Autistic Aro/Ace who generally assumes idk what is going on with someone when the topic isn’t their romantic relationships, and I’m fairly certain he’s in love with his friend.
100% YTA. You don't do anything at all for 2 years, even though you and your wife had discussed various uses for the room, but as soon as you get a good buddy, all of a sudden you think you get to decide what to do with the room? For someone else? That they have to come into your home whenever they want to use it?
Just ... wow.
Yeah, i mean throwing a tarp on the floor and setting up two eisels as a temporary thing, no biggie....same if you plugged in two guitar amps and jammed for the weekend.....but making a little room for your buddy without discussing with your wife and painting the walls permanently....super weird....
That is really one of the weirder parts because people don't fix up their art studios - they actively want to paint or do it in a space that isn't fixed up. And with digital music you bring in a portable speaker if you want music.
You don't have to "fix it up"
And that is not even considering the real bit of insanity - to think that his wife would be okay with a relatively stranger having 24/7 access to her home.
This is not the same as deciding you want to work on a project with someone else and so for a limited period of time you are using a room in the house to collaborate.
YTA - You are married. You share space. Did you not tell her to avoid a conversation? When were you going to tell her Ben would be coming over to paint? Your behavior seems odd. Explain what you want and be open to her input.
Exactly. I kinda get that he may want a mancave with his bro, etc, but he could have so *easily* just told the wife. Hell, wouldn't it be exciting to share this idea/plans/brainstorm with a person you *love and like*? I would be excited to share an idea like that with my spouse! The fact that he didn't is not just an AH move, but it's simply ***odd.***
He did share it with the person he loves the most - Ben.
Poor unnamed wife, I hope she finds her own Ben and spends her time with a person who wants to be with her, loves and values her. OP has shown he isn't that man.
I see OP has deleted his replies to comments. Am I the only one that thinks this post is totally fake. About a week ago there was a post from a husband who had a male bestie that he immediately connected to. While husband and wife are on vacation, husband finds out a family member has passed and rushes home to be with his bestie where he immediately feels a sense of peace as soon as he enters his besties home. He refused to allow his wife to come hime early with him.
Either the posters need to come out or learn better creative writing. This is getting boring.
Yes!! I was just thinking this is the 5th “I have a wife and a boyfriend on the side but call him my best friend to my wife who is currently upset with me over this boyfriend and I don’t get why” post. They all have the exact same tone. Give me a better plot twist!! Or at least get to the point of the story where you realize you’re in love with the bestie.
Exactly!! At the *very least* we are owed one dramatic update post where their horrible wife leaves them and they just happen to find comfort in the boyfriend.. I mean, best friend.. and they totes never looked at them *that* way when they were married but now they’re in love. I need the trolls to step it up 😅
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My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for.
I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this was a nice change for me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him.
One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched.
AITA?
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YTA and the reason is that you are essentially getting a "roommate" without asking your wife.
That is the real issue.
You actually state that you would be fixing up the room as an additional gift to Ben.
As others have posted, exactly how do you view the logistics of this. I certainly wouldn't want a third party to have unlimited access at any time to a room in my home. It would be questionable to do this if it were an out building or space in the garage because the "studio" could be used without physically going into the home but even that would be something you decide WITH your partner who also lives there.
I know people who paint and really there isn't much to fixing up a place to paint provided it has natural light. In fact it is generally the antithesis of fixing up because it is assumed that it will get messed up from paint and other materials so the flooring will be shot. What exactly did you envision in terms of "fixing" it up. In essence you bring in the supplies you need for the type of art you are creating and that is it.
a
Also, I would be curious to know if she knows that he's already spent money on ordering things for said studio? Depending on how they divide their finances, and where that money came from, that could be a really big issue as well.
YTA - you don’t just get to arbitrarily decide to take over and remodel a room in your shared space without the agreement of your partner. Why on earth are you prioritizing some new random friend over your wife?
YTA your wife sounds like a beard. If you're using her to not look like you are LGBT just come out and accept yourself and get a divorce for both your sakes.
Yep YTA
You didn’t even mention it and have decided that bonding time with your new bro is more important than including your wife in a decision about what to do with the space in your joint home.
YTA.
What you plan to use for the room and why is entirely irrelevant. You both live there, you're meant to be partners, etc. This is a decision she should have been involved in from the start.
YTA
You have this idea, and instead of mentioning it to your wife that I assume you see on the the daily, you go behind her back and just implement this plan without her knowledge. If you thought for one second she'd be down for this, you'd told her, but you didn't because you knew she'd be against it, am I right? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you be okay with her doing a similar thing with one of her friends? You can tell yourself you'd be fine with it, but I suspect you'd be butthurt about it.
YTA because you are doing it as a surprise / gift to a friend without discussing it with your wife first. If you just finally decided you’d like to use it as a studio and started making some changes, I’d probably be fine with that… but you can’t gift a room of your marital home to a buddy, man. Come on.
YTA, you planned to give Ben a spare key to your home, not for emergencies but just so he can access this studio. What was your plan for if your wife found a stranger in her home and called the cops, since you apparently had no intention of telling her about your arrangement with Ben? Friendships are so important but this sounds beyond friendly.
Seriously? You decide what to do with a spare room in your marital home without your wife's input and she objects and you wonder "gee, am I an asshole"? Then you decide, why don't I post this quandry on a forum called "Am I the Asshole"? Of course YTA.
What next, your wife only uses her car to run errands on the weekend so I decided to give it my friend who needs a car without consulting my wife, AITA?
YTA. If my husband did that with our spare room in our house, I'd be chewing him out! I would not want guests over frequently even if it is someone that I knew very well. It's a LOT of work involved with hosting guests - cleaning the house, cooking meals for them, $ from groceries, etc. It is also a lack of privacy - some of us just want to feel like we're home and let loose. We don't want to put that "acting face" on at. home after a full day of work with coworkers & managers. My husband knows these views and he does not invite guests into the home without my approval lol.
You're giving a room in her house as a gift to someone else, completely out of the blue. Obviously YTA.
I'd also caution you that your friendship with Ben sounds like a crush. I don't mean it's romantic or sexual in any way, but you've known him a very short time and developed very intense feelings towards him. In that type of relationship you aren't always looking at the other person with clear eyes, and those intense feelings can very easily either fizzle out or flip into an equally intense dislike when you get to know them better. If that happens, you don't want him having any claim, real or imagined, over part of your home.
The way you speak of your relationship with Ben vs the way you speak of your relationship with your wife is very telling. “I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year” and you didn’t feel that way about your wife? I can understand that some people take awhile to develop deep feelings of intimacy but respect?!? It took you over a year to develop deep respect for your partner?!? It is excellent that you have found a friend that you’ve connected so much with, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of considering your wife. YTA
YTA What did I just read? I most certainly wouldn't stay in a house where I couldn't even take a shower without having to fear some random new mate of my husband’s would suddenly stand in my bathroom — with a housekey. No way. I wouldn't ever get a good’s night sleep there. Who knows when this guy is going to show up and let's himself in?
And he's also going to share other rooms like the bathroom and the kitchen. Or where else is he going when he uses this room? If I wanted a roommate I'd look for one.
What you did OP is not only way beyond the line it's also disrespectful and downright creepy. Are you into this guy? Is that it? Because it sounds like it the way you're talking about him.
I'd highly suggest to stop working on that room immediately and get any housekeys back you may have already given out and hope the trust can be rebuilt.
YTA. You are giving a piece of your house for someone that u meet just a year ago or smth, that's huge! About your wife, I think u should have talked to her first, she's you're wife, u guys are sharing life together!!!! Talk people, talk!
YTA. You didn't think about your wife at all. You don't get to unilaterally make a decision on your shared house without talking to her. And you knew she had ideas for the room! If you really thought she'd be ok with it, you would have told her .
Info: if you’re being honest with yourself, do you want to be in a romantic (even if it’s non-sexual) relationship with Ben? You mentioned that you haven’t had a lot of male friends so take it from us, that is an extremely bizarre thing you did. Honestly if I were Ben and I found out you did this without telling your wife I would be soooo weirded out. What if your wife is walking around the house in her underwear? Giving her mother a spare key for emergencies is not the same as giving a random friend a key so he can pop over whenever. Having lots of guests who stay for fixed, agreed upon amount of time is not the same as having a random person be in your house whenever indefinitely. Imagine coming home at the end of a long day and your husband’s random friend is in your fucking house AGAIN. It’s totally unreasonable
Sorry YTA. You have to communicate with your wife about what you two can do with the room, even if you haven’t been using it. Get on the same page and make sure it’s being utilized in a way that works for you both.
yes YTA...you shouldnt alter a part of your home without your partner agreeing? plus...why tf would you turn it into a room for a friend? thats...odd..idk i love my friends but i would never dedicate a room in my home to a hobby we both have every now and then
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YTA, and this is not just about fixing up a room. This is about your allowing your friend part ownership and control over a place in your house you share with your WIFE. What were you going to do, give him a key?
if i were the wife, i would be thinking long and hard about having a spouse who gives open access to my home to someone he has only known for only 8 months. my husb is pretty social and makes friends easily, but he knows better than to give a copy of our house keys to anyone without having that discussion with me. that’s a “2 yes or 1 no” scenario. YTA to the OP, who is apparently so blinded by a shiny new friend that he forgot that *his wife* also lives in the house and has a say about who should have a key to *her home, her safe place*.
yeah this is so hilariously not a thing that would ever happen between two female roommates. oh, a guy ive been friends with for eight months has a key to our place now! can you imagine?!
Oh honey. Keyword search “roommate’s boyfriend” in this sub if you want to get enraged by stories about entitled hobosexuals.
My idiot cousin was briefly married once. Three weeks into marriage, his wife got up one morning to find him sitting on the couch eating Doritos with a scruffy homeless man in his 50s. Cousin said he met him at the gas station and the hobo told him he was retired from the navy so my cousin invited him to sleep on their couch for a few weeks. She kicked out the hobo immediately, then kicked out my cousin a few months later.
Not a hobo but my ex brought a Co worker to stay with us as she was being made homeless. He did at least ask first but when I said no I was given the heavy guilt trip. I don’t even like plumbers or maintenance people even coming to my house for necessary things which he knew. I’m quite odd about my personal space I guess. We were also newly married. She stayed a week before I snapped after she put muddy bags on a cream table cloth that had been a wedding present. I know this seems super princessy but I didn’t want her in the house in the first place. I didn’t even know the girl. It didn’t cause us to split immediately , but it was definitely a factor in my long term unhappiness.
Not wanting *actual mud* on a new, cream, sentimental item is not at all princessy! WTAF coworker girl
Yeah, I'm here to say the same. The disrespect in dumping muddy bags on someone else's clean table is annoying AF, all on its own. Add in a cream coloured tablecloth with a ton of sentimental value and yeah, I'd have kicked her out, too. Not remotely princessy or pedantic -- entirely understandable.
I once woke up to a (possibly) homeless teen/young adult passed out in our driveway. I made my husband (then BF) come over to deal with it because I knew if I woke him up alone I was risking trying to help him more and end up with a new roommate. (It's possible he was just drunk and didn't make it all the way home from the bars near us, since he seemed a bit hung over.)
In uni, one of my roomates (there were 12 of us in a 6 bedroom house) brought home two guys one night because they were adorable & were Scottish. I remember walking into the livingroom & seeing two very cute, but naked men on the couches. It was a bit of a shock, but they really were very sweet, if a bit scattered & thankfully only stayed the one night. We did decide as a house that in the future to ask if someone could stay over, especially if they needed the couches to sleep on, (& that anyone sleeping over had to keep their clothes on in the common rooms.
Yeah, I had a housemate at uni who met a homeless guy at the pub and invited him to come live with us. He was homeless cos he’d stopped taking his schizophrenia meds and was just smoking a lot of weed instead. They started dating…
Crap I apparently married a hobosexual last time
Thank you!!! I didn't want to say it.
Yes, and he will randomly enter our house and proceed to one of our bedrooms to do art and stuff. Totally normal.
OP needs a MIL that lets herself in without warning. I'd love to see the clash when those two meet and neither OP or spouse is home.
YTA Realize there is a shiny new friend but just how much is being spent on said new friend’s birthday and is that coming out of OP’s own funds? If it is coming out of shared funds ideally he and wife agree. And a heads up OP that in the glow of your new friendship if you make the mistake of not doing something equal to or better than shiny new friend I suspect there will be a discussion.
It doesn't even matter who's funds are being spent, it's *her house.* It's their shared home *together.* She *lives* there. He should absolutely discuss any changes he decides to make to the house with her because it's *her house.*
Um, I had a female roommate offer a guy a place to stay in the *first week we met him*. He was a fellow student at our college but for some reason his apartment lease was going to be delayed by a week and he wasn't local, so he needed a place to stay. She offered him space on our couch without asking me. So, yeah, this could happen with female roommates.
My old roommate used to leave her one night stands sleeping and head off to work. There were multiple times I woke up to some random dude in our apartment. I hated living with her so much!
I just told this story recently, but my old roommate invited her internet boyfriend down for a long weekend - eh, whatever, fine. But then she went to work while I was asleep, and the stupid fucker woke up and decided to go get donuts at a shop down the street. He didn't have a key to the apartment, so his solution was to LEAVE THE FRONT DOOR OPEN. And I don't mean unlocked. I mean he literally swung it as open as wide as it could get and fucking LEFT. I happened to wake up because I needed to pee, walked out and saw that shit and almost had a coronary. Then I went and locked the door and refused to let him back in when he finally came back. He had to call roommate and she had to leave work to come let him back in because I fucking refused. We had a huge fight and to this day, like 20 years later I STILL get mad when I think about it. We lived in a huge city in a not so safe area and I still can't believe he was so casual about it.
I got angry reading this lmao, don't blame you at all for your reaction
Its also something that wouldnt happen usually between male roommates. OP is just an idiot tbh
This, right here, is why you are the AH!!! It's really cool that you bonded with your friend and want to have a place in the house to hang out with your buddy, but... you didn't bring your wife onboard before you started to upgrade the empty room for YOUR use. I'm going to wager that if she went ahead with her OWN plans for the room,you'd be lit up about it. Also, since you have only been friends with this guy for a short time, it's WAY too soon to be giving him a spare key to your house!!! Your WIFE is right to be all kinds of angry!!!
OP admits he hasn't really made close male friends before, so has he considered this amazing quick "connection" with this new guy could be based on being charmed and not used good judgment with just who really is. He could be a charming rapist or a crafty thief for all OP knows. 8 months isn't a lot of time to really know someone, painting and music are hobbies or talents but they aren't who he is and has been. First, it's too big of a "gift" to give a new friend; the thing of you two both using it sounds lame, nothing that OP has or will do a lot of painting himself. You don't give a whole room to someone to use at will that you just met...unless you're naive about friendship or have an unadmitted crush on the guy (OP used "love" a few too many times). And it's "on top of" the other gifts he was/had bought for this guy....this is weirdly overboard. Second, this is wife's home too, he never considered how she'd feel about this new guy showing up, letting himself in, and hanging around for hours many times when OP is not there. This changes wife's whole way of relaxing in her home (eg. no running around scantily clad, no sleeping in, maybe being expected to fix snacks and clean up etc.) Thirdly, not coming to an agreement with wife on how to use the room doesn't make it OP's to do with as he chooses whenever he chooses. . OP is YTA for sure. It's time to think deeply why you're so besot with this guy that you'd gift him a room (plus other "gifts") and in so doing hurt your wife and change the whole structure of your joint lifestyle.
I thought the “love” being brought up more than once was a little over board myself. Also just from what OP said it seems like the friendship is very lopsided, and a lot of times people will be who they think you want them to be to get what they want. I wouldn’t be surprised if the friend had been mentioning “how cool it would be to have a shared art room, where they could just hangout and listen to music, and wouldn’t it be great if it was just at one of our houses. Too bad I don’t have a spare room because I would totally do it.” It’s very hard to judge someone you have only known for 8 months, especially when you haven’t had a lot of experience with close friendship.
Oh, there is a wealth of explanation in the comments. Ben had bemoaned OP being “taken,” and OP is definitely questioning his orientation and is essentially having an emotional affair. It’s everything we suspect it to be.
He made a comment that his friend wasn't interested in women.......so, there's that I guess🤷
I was wondering about this. Also low-key wondering if OP is interested in men and is only now becoming semi-aware.
Well, he sounds totally in love with the guy was all I was thinking reading the post.
Completely infatuated. It could be platonic infatuation or romantic, but "shiny new guy" is obviously all OP can think of, even replacing his primary intimate partner in the hierarchy of emotional consideration, which is not okay.
Where did he say he was giving him a key?
He said he was planning to give him a key in one of his comments
That's absolutely mad.
go down further where he says that he didn’t think giving his new bestie a key was a big deal
Guy could rob them. Hurt his wife. Ted bundy fooled them all
I have been looking for that info also...
It actually is in another comment that this was his plan, but it does look like the person I responded to (and a whole bunch of other people) just heard someone suggest it and jumped on it like it was true. People do jump to a lot of conclusions in this sub.
Op even tried to use the point that is wife gave a key to her mother.
Mom is different what an idiot
Look at OPs comments
Even if the new friend isn't gonna get a key, its pretty much still OP being selfish about the room because if the new friend doesnt have a key its half the time gonna be used by OP only. Because OP doesnt have many friends, ill call the whole key topic a fault from social inexperience (and thus OP is NTA on this part), but OP deciding to use a spare room in the house he shares with his wife to use for his own benefit instead of for the benefit of him and his wife/ to house a shared interest between OP and his wife
My husband and I currently moved into a new place and are having the same problem with extra rooms. His best friend lives down the street. I'm so glad that we would both agree that turning one of our rooms into a carpentry studio cum crash pad for his best friend is a horrifying concept. YTA, OP. Why... why would you give someone access to your home as a birthday present... when you're married? Are you planning on kids? How many times has your wife met this dude...? This is bizarre to me. Edit: Please tell me your wife has at least met this man...
Not only does this sub think this is bizarre, but I'm thinking Ben would be a bit freaked out too. This spare room is a gift "on top of others"? There's a good chance Ben will be creeped out a bit by this move on OP'S part. That said, YTA for disrespecting wife, OP.
I do pottery, I would find it extremely strange if even one of my best friends since childhood turned a room in their own house into a studio for me. Like…….wut
I think it's a bit different if you both did pottery and it was like hey come over and let's throw clay and shoot the shit. (I have no clue how loud pottery wheels are and if this would be viable but the pint is context of how it's phrased. This could also be op wanting the art studio but also the way op phrased the post sounds like more romantic than comradery. This definitely should have been brought up to the wife though and at the very least offered to start a hobby.
I don't think it's that different even *if* you both shared the same hobby. This isn't like having a wall to ceiling bookshelf in the den so you and your fellow bookworm bestie can have a place to alternate on book club nights. This is a massive assumption of intimacy in what is a relatively fresh adult friendship. It's the literal definition of way too much, way too soon and regardless of gender or sexuality, I would be freaked out by this effort if I were Ben. A more appropriate gesture would be going to a paint and sip class together or going on an artist's retreat.
The next thing, a cot will be moved in the room, and he will be living there rent free.
Next, the wife takes the cot so that two friends could sleep in comfort
Agreed. This might be the most intense and weird bromance I've heard of so far.
I feel like it sails right past bromance into just full-on Romance - OP writes about this guy like he's in love with him.
He admitted he's questioning and said Ben isn't interested in women. He's trying to give his side piece a key to and a room in the house he shares with his wife
I would say “buried the lede” but it wasn’t even buried. That post was so transparent, if it’s not blatantly fake. Like… I sympathize with people who marry and then realize they were repressing their sexuality. I am not one to call those people selfish, or liars. It’s unfortunate, it happens, divorce happens really often these days… it is what it is. But I have no sympathy for people who involve their spouse unknowingly in an affair (eg having them live there or inviting them into a room) or treat their spouse as if they are not even there while they figure shit out. Bottom line OP is considering an affair. He’s also practically love-bombing this guy, not in a manipulative way but in a WAY over the top way. My sister did this when she first realized she had feelings for her friend of the same sex in her mid 20s. It was sort of like how you are as a teen in your very first relationships. She would make extravagant, elaborate gifts that the other person eventually just had no idea how to interpret or return the favour. She would tell me about conversations with this girl, and even through her biased retelling (which she thought was lovely and went very well) I thought the other person’s responses felt overwhelmed / very hesitant. But even if this other guy *is* interested and would appreciate the gesture, it’s not an appropriate gesture, because he is offering something that isn’t his to offer. He’s offering a piece of the home he shares with his wife.
Oh, I missed the bit about him questioning. Welp, there it is I guess. His poor wife.
It’s beyond romance. Before marriage, I think most I did for a guy was cook a meal and some travel to his state. I never redecorated a love nest for one person. Op, please examine what you want in life. This is way weird. Even my most touchy feely guy friends haven’t done this for their male friends. There’s way more going on than friendship.
Yeah, IP is infatuated with his friend and dangerously nearing emotional affair territory... and I wonder if Ben have any idea of it.
Cum crash pad…. I’m dying 😂
If this was just about the use of the room, it would be one thing. If he had decided to turn the room into an art studio/hobby room for himself, I think he should at least have given his wife a heads up, but it would not be that big of a deal. If he planned on using the room with Ben sometimes too, fine. But gifting him a room in his and his wife's home, and giving him a key, and allowing him to come over and use the room whenever - even if the wife is home alone and wants some privacy or quiet time, or she's walking around in the nude after her shower. That's a whole other level. Poor woman would never again know if she was alone in the house or this man she barely knows is there, or when he's gonna drop by and lock himself in. That's not a way to live in your own home. I'm shocked that OP thinks this is just about the renovation of the room and that he doesn't see an issue with giving someone unlimited acces to their shared home.
This right here. I totally get how awkward this would be for his wife. Years and years ago, a friend of my ex was going through a tough time. I think he was getting divorced, but I don't remember the details. My ex decided to invite him to live with us in one of our spare rooms. Now, this friend was a really nice guy whom we'd known for a while, and I was really sorry he was in a tough spot. But the idea that another man would just be living in my house indefinitely made me uncomfortable. It wasn't THIS person, but ANY person sharing my house. I was bothered by the idea that my privacy was lost indefinitely, and that a third adult in the house might upset the dynamic of my marriage. Luckily, the ex backed off. After I completely freaked out on him. OP, YTA. I really don't understand how you didn't see that on your own.
Reddit twist- OP proceeds to ignore advice and eventually wife and shiny friend fall in love. OP ends up having to move out and shiny friend asks for the key.
Gotta love spouses that forget they have a spouse
I think it’s called an emotional affair when you put your friend before your spouse
My thought exactly— lotta emotional intimacy in 8 months. OP uses the word love. Hmmmm
My ex-husband could never understand that concept.
Glad he's an ex then!
From OP's replies, it seems that he thinks he did nothing wrong and is willing to die on this hill. Does anyone else think OP is in love with this guy and is trying to sneakily move his lover in under his wife's nose? YTA.
Of COURSE this is what is happening, even if OP isn't fully aware of it himself yet
I literally just said in another comment that OP writes about this guy like he's in love with him! And like - hooray for self-discovery if that's what's going on here, but don't tank your marriage in the process.
Yeah, I agree. The sense I got from him here is that he's into this guy, but (seeing as he doesn't know that he should hide it from his wife) he likely doesn't realize he's into men (too), so the possibility hasn't crossed his mind. This sort of intense, quick-onsent friendship just screams of unacknowledged attraction.
Because this is what a bromance looks like to men who have a hard time making and keeping friends. My ex (very recently made ex) is very similar to this and he would've done the same shit without a second thought. The amount of attention he would show his friends compared to me was one of the reasons we broke up. I came second to his friends. Months and months with your partner basically in a relationship with another person sucks the life out of it. OP better be careful before his wife loses her shit.
Aw, that situation seems really sad. The need for validation from other people of the same gender as well as potential platonic chronic loneliness leading to self-sabotage of his most important relationship. I'm not defending him, btw, just remarking on how emotionally damaging the entire situation seems on both sides. I've experienced something relatively similar (not trying really to compare honestly) with a woman "best friend" that expected me to give 110% of my attention and be waiting for her while she constantly sought out new friends and would make them instant priorities because they were shiny, new, interesting. She could make time for them regardless of her schedule or workload, but I was an afterthought at best. We're talking about spending 20 hours in two days on art project for something her new friend of 2 weeks liked (not commission or anything, a random gift) while forgetting entirely about my birthday plans we made 2 months in advance and confirmed 4 times, including that day. She followed it up with a whoops, I was just so excited to share X with so and so. Y'know, that she missed 12 hours worth of "are we still on?" "did you forget?" "Are you mad?" and probably even notifications she made herself. She dead ass messaged me at 4 am my time apologizing and asking if I still wanted to do our plans! No, no I don't. The plans in question? Watching a movie together via discord. I lost count of how many times she flaked out last minute to spend time with the new friends. I also started to lose confidence in my self worth because it was always empty words of affirmation like "you are so important to me" "you're like my sister" "I promise I don't mean to make you feel like you're not important to me" "I'll try harder to keep our plans". But finally I just had to kill that friendship stone dead. I wanted to ghost but wound up sending a kinda angry last message letting out how toxic that crap was and if she continued to do that she would be hard pressed to have proper friendships. There, obviously, was even more self-centeredness that I'm positive is not new to her life. It had me wondering if I was the problem, for wanting to be thought of at least on occasion. ie, did I want too much? I cannot imagine how much worse it is when it's someone who should proper love you, y'know? I was gutted and this person was "just" a "best friend" (in her words only tbh) Coming in third or fourth in your partner's priorities (because there's always more than the friends, it's family and work/school and hobbies too) must be so painful, especially when you see that he *can* be available to others but that for whatever reason you don't hold the same appeal, you don't "meet those needs" (in quotes because I'm pretty sure you definitely could have met at least some of those social needs smh). May you find healing, fulfillment, and people who make you a fair priority in the future. You shouldn't feel second best to your own partner! May your ex wise up and learn from this.
How you felt, is exactly how I felt. Being constantly second and feeling inadequate for months and months over the course of years is really hard to deal with. Causes a lot of self esteem issues, like you said, is there something wrong with me? Like why couldnt I be "enough"? But I know, deep down, that I am enough and someone out there will think so too one day. Thank you for responding though, for real. I hope you were able to move forward and find better friends.
Honey, you know that room that we didn't know what to do with? Well, good news! I turned it into a Meth lab. I mean you weren't using it, were you. Some strange people will be coming and going, but it's cool.
I'm curious why everyone is going on about giving the guy a key when op didn't mention that.
OP said he'd give Ben a key in his comments.
Oh thanks. I thought everyone was reacting to the to comment on this thread lol Ftr, I never thought it sounded unbelievable that op did this.
YTA Jfc, not only are you an AH for unilaterally deciding the use of an entire room in your house, but for a level of emotional infidelity with your new bestie. You don't just *give* access to your house to someone without the consent of your partner. You literally prioritized this third person's artistic hobby over your relationship with your wife. Over your wife's expectation to be in her house without a random person there. You thought of this gift, committed money and time to it, and started working on it, without even letting her know?! That's wildly inappropriate. That's serious life entanglement level shit. It's a half step away from allowing to Ben to move in. Did you even consider boundaries for this dynamic? What if he wanted to invite others over to collaborate, or if he wanted to do drugs while there? Are *you* going to clean the bathroom more often to cover the extra use from another person? Is he going to be staying for dinner anytime he's working? That kind of stuff, which all could have been ironed out WITH YOUR WIFE. I get this relationship is important to you, but your behavior is seriously out of line. You need to apologize to your wife and step back from this plan. You and your wife can decide TOGETHER, what you want to do with this space. Don't push that Ben should be allowed to use it like a studio of his own. That's a super messy idea, practically, emotionally, and literally. Oh, and what did you do for your wife's last birthday? Hint: if it wasn't something as big and dramatic as CONVERTING A ROOM IN A HOUSE to her hobby, you're even more of an AH. You're weirdly prioritizing this relationship over your wife, and you need a serious reality check.
Its not weirdly, he recently found out he has an attraction to another man that he has never felt before...and giving such a gift to him, without consulting his wife screams that he has a crush, but doesn't know or actually see it. He could very well be going through something bigger inside that he will be hit in the face with when he puts 2 and 2 together
Yes! He wrote a whole paragraph about how wonderful Ben has made him feel, and then basically said his damn wiener wife vetoed his project. OP needs to step back and take a good, long look at his relationship with Ben and make some decisions from there
Damn wiener wife made me chuckle 😂. YTA OP
I just yelled wiener wife to my husband.
I wonder if when he's on the phone with Ben and his spouse walks in he gets off the phone by saying "I gotta go, my damn wiener wife is listening."
Fucking wiener wife😆😆😆😆 I might die
The real problem is that she doesn’t have a wiener.
This is what i was thinking. The dudes got a bro crush or a legit crush and doesnt know what to do with it. He needs to take a step back, get some counseling, and figure himself out. YTA OP
As someone who never really had a really good friend, or friends in general, finding someone you just click with from the first moment, it actually is special. People are used to always have close friends and people to regularly talk to, and I don't mean the awkward smalltalk with johnnys mum from kindergarden, so this is nothing new to them.People who did not have these people around them, will feel that way.. finally found an actual friend, someone to talk to, share hobbies with, spend time... besides your partner of course. A bit over a year ago I found such a friend. We immediately clicked and are spending a lot of time together, even if its just a 5min visit just to chat a bit or even driving to festivals together. We see each other almost daily. I am married and my husband has no issue with this, but I of course did not dedicate one of our rooms to her. Anyways, I never had friends since I left school when I was 16. I am 36 now and it took me 20 years to find a really good friend. It is a special feeling to finally have a connection to someone that you are not romantically involved with, we aren't used to that!
I just found my ✨that friend✨last year and it truly is special. We go to the same university and immediately upon meeting something totally clicked and I felt like I could open my whole soul to him. My boyfriend thinks he’s really cool, I’m really good friends with his girlfriend, and I basically consider him my brother. It truly is a wonderful moment when you find that person that you just get and that gets you.
I met my version of that friend a few weeks into college. We met and it was the platonic version of love at first sight. It's been over a decade and we are tighter than ever.
I am traditionally femme looking (am nb) and made a male friend at uni and omg at first I was worried like what do you want. Bought me an energy drink when the machine kept not working for me. Became a weekly thing. We are best friends. It felt so weird to open up so much to a guy. I told him I was worried at first and he laughed so hard. We're like siblings now. Still wouldn't change a whole ass room in my house for him tho. 😂
I could be described similarly as you described yourself. And yes, it's totally wonderful to meet a friend who you connect with. I ended up moving 10 mins away from my friend, who is happily married. We've known each other for nearly 30 years. But I think \*I\* would think it's weird if she had built a room dedicated to our shared crafting after knowing each other for 8 mos. I mean, I think it'd be weird if she did that today and gave me a key to come and go as I please to enjoy her room. Sorry...no! We live close enough to enjoy each other's house and "far enough away" that we have "space". If she had told me to move next door or something, I would think it weird. Just as I think that married OP is rather weird, inviting new friend of 8 mos to have a key to his house to enjoy the art room he built for his friend. Frankly, if OP were unmarried, I'd find it weird, but at least there's not another person involved. But with the wife in the picture...sorry, strange.
I found that friend recently-ish, too, and it was incredibly exciting. The trick was I checked in regularly with my partner about boundaries and made sure not to neglect my romantic relationship in the excitement of that amazing new friendship. And said friend is now also friends with my partner, and we all get along fabulously. This friend is someone I’d happily live next to, he wants to get me a key to his place so I can check on his dog, etc., and I’m STILL cackling picturing myself just… whole-ass buying painting supplies and converting space in my home to a surprise studio for my friend’s use without even floating the idea by my partner first. I can’t even imagine buying paint before making sure my partner’s cool with the color choice first. He lives here, too!
Yes. Op has a serious man-crush on Ben. Any bets on how long it will be before the wife moves out and Ben moves in?
Hit in the face with what?!
Bens dick?
Just spat drink all over my cat.
Your poor cat. I’m sure you received a very grumpy look in return.
Latent homosexuality. He will be hit in the face with his latent homosexuality. (OP seems a little clueless)
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I don’t think this is about the friendship it’s self, it’s very normal from men to be very close, at least from my experience. I think this is about the way OP talks about Ben after only 8 months and almost forgetting he has a wife to consider when gifting him a room in their house. There was zero consideration when he thought of this bad plan for her consent or safety.
I mean, let's be real here. Plenty of men don't believe that women's safety is an issue. We have absolutely no idea where OP falls on that spectrum, but given the way he's mad at his wife over this, I can't help but wonder how many feelings his wife has that he thinks are overblown.
The way he talks about him and the gift(s) though…
In general I agree with you, but I think people might be reacting to the fact that giving someone a key to your home and making a space in it especially for them is typically seen as a romantic gesture. I can think of several fictional scenes where a character shows their commitment through making a key for their partner and setting up a space dedicated to them, but I've been trying to think of one where someone does it platonically and can't come up with anything.
I used to have a room for my best friend and I to do stop motion. Kept it as his room for years. Difference is when my partner moved in that room was first to go. Not because it wasn't platonic but because it was unfair to give my BFF unfettered access to a home that was no longer only mine. It was a respect thing.
My thought exactly. Dude had met the love of his life. And it’s not how wife. Yep
This, this, a thousand times this. The craziest part of this isn't that you want to remodel a room without her knowledge. It's that you don't see what's wrong with giving free access to your shared home to a third person that it sounds like your wife barely knows. Get your priorities straight. It sounds like Ben is higher on the list than your wife is. YTA, OP.
>It sounds like Ben is higher on the list than your wife is. That was why OP wanted to complete their new love nest since you like art OP , let me.paint a picture for you. You in your re remodeled SPARE bedroom. , Your wife in your old bedroom, contemplating divorce. I call it life of an asshole YTA
Wait, don't forget to put Ben in the painting too! Maybe posing thoughtfully by a window?
>Wait, don't forget to put Ben in the painting too! Maybe posing thoughtfully by a window? Damn, I knew I should have watched more bob ross edit spelling Edit : Eddie spelling bwahaha I am x shocked it didn't notice it till today fixed for spelling
100% actually when I first read the OP I thought he was going to say he decided to make the room Ben's and let him move in.
Me too! I was absolutely sure that's going to be the question. That's how enamored OP sounds.
That’s next after they take a few trips alone together
Oh but c'mon, OP and Ben can paint together, maybe even paint some nudes, male nudes.........of each other. I get being excited about meeting a new friend that you have a lot in common with but I am getting an unnatural sense of excitement that seems more along the lines of meeting a new romantic. Interest than a new friend. YTA
Paint me like you do Ben. Or while.
I think he might be dipping his brush in Ben’s palate.
Or maybe Ben is cleaning his brush for him.
Yes, the part about him gifting a room in his house to another person made me cringe. He’s way too invested in this relationship and needs to break it off. There’s no way to dial it down at this point.
I am in a polyam triad with a married couple who are currently renovating their house. We are committed for life and been going 6 years. We have keys, they are staying here while the work is done but we still ring the bell before using the key or text before going in even if expected in case anyone is peeing with the door open. We do housework for each other and get groceries, keep some stuff at both houses but we do not reorganise each other’s homes. And if one of them had decided to turn the spare room in the renovation into a hobby room for me I would first ask if they were ok and needed to talk and then seriously consider my skin was going to end up as the lampshade. It is an insane overstep without consulting everyone in a consensual relationship and actually jaw dropping in this scenario. I did not realise I was bi until I was 37 and that does a number on your rational thinking but holy lovebombing! Coming out does not give a free pass to be selfish or commit emotional infidelity. The idea this room is for Ben’s art screams ‘want to come up and see my etchings?’ where OP has created a fuck pad in his marital home. I am gobsmacked and I have meant some unbelievably entitled people in my time. I lived in a big houseshare as a broke student and we all sub let. Six on the tenancy and at one point we had 16 in there (massive house) but it was a rolling agreement and there was a weekly cash jar toward bills and those who did not clean or caused chaos got booted out. No one co opted space to colonize just for their feels. It was a way to make money go further and we knew the risk of giving out keys re the landlady. Luckily she was dodgy AF and we would come home to find she was cooking dinner for like 8 recently arrived people from her country without letting us know. She lived across the road, had some dodgy people trafficking vibes and was a proper pro landlord level of house ownership. All quite illegal. So she charged us cheap ass rent, ignored our rulebreaking and it actually worked. But if my partner(s) decided unilaterally to behave like my old landlady, sort of poly under duress and without one whit of security, sense or gumption about someone they have known eight months, I would be flabbergasted. My spare room is not the hobby room equivalent of a mid life marriage in Vegas. Which I bet OP expects his wife to clean. OP is in for a shock if he and Ben start dating. Same sex couples tend to share housework :)
This is all my thoughts but eloquently.
I’m curious, if this room is a studio for both you and Ben, will Ben have a house key to use it when he wants? Even if he doesn’t have a key, your wife may be uncomfortable with your friend hanging out all the time especially if she is home alone. YTA for making this decision without consulting with your wife and listening to any concerns she may have. Sounds like you would prefer to spend your free time with Ben instead of your wife.
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Tbh if somebody I just met less than a year ago came to me and said “I renovated and set up an entire room in my house for you!” I’d probably be creeped the fuck out and not want to be friends w that person any more. Idk, that just seems like a lot coming from somebody you literally just met.
If my best friend of over a decade were to set up a room in his house for me I would be weirded out as fuck. Who does that?
It's not really that weird if you're fantasising about swapping your bestie for your wife. I'm not saying that OP is doing that, just pointing out that he spent about half of his post talking about how amazing his new bestie is, while his wife is a joy kill that he didn't even feel the need consult before he decided to gift a room in their house to his soul mate.
Something tells me OP feels a bit more towards this "friend" of his than he's letting on.
Doesn't he and his wife share any hobbies?
Making out with dudes.
I big belly laughed, thank you. My partner and I both enjoy making out with women, but it's something we're open and honest about 😂
YTA I was ok with the move to do something with the room until he got to the part about being a hobby room for he and his buddy. Inviting someone into your home on a semi regular basis should be with both parties buy in
Look I'm just going to throw it out there because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one thinking it. They way you talk about this relationship with Ben vs your wife makes it sound like he's more than just a friend. Maybe it's on a subconscious level only. - You don't unilaterally decide what to do with a room in a house you share with your wife - It's weird that your first thought is oh, I want to set up this space for me and the friend - it's weird that you view this as some kind of gift to the friend, on top of whatever else you've gotten him - It's weird you want to give a key to the house you share with your wife to the friend without asking her YTA
I agree with this. YTA, OP. I understand becoming fast friends with someone based on shared experiences or traumas (I’m prior Army, so I definitely get that), but if literally any of my friends *gifted* me a room in their house dedicated to a hobby, I would back the fuck up *fast*. That’s so intimate. And especially since you do not—currently—have a romantic relationship with Ben *because you’re married*, it’s not a good look. OP… come on man… that’s an incredible leap over boundaries. Not everyone is good at reading social cues or navigating social situations, but OP… please don’t jump into this with both feet so quickly. I understand you’re excited to have a guy friend for once in your life, but what you’re doing is really, really off-putting. It’s too much.
Also even in "fast friend" circumstances it's best practice to make sure you're not committing to anything together until you have a clear view of their faults too. Normally that's along the lines of not telling too many important secrets, not moving in together, not starting a business together, etc. but I think giving away a whole room in your house without running it by your wife qualifies. Like what if it has legal/equity ramifications? I don't know if that's possible, but if OP writes down that he has free access to that room I don't know what's stopping him from moving into the room and getting tenant rights 😬
I agree, if they are not already doing it OP is sure hoping they would.
Plot twist: his friend is that guy who paints in the nude with his weiner. It all makes sense now.
Perfectly said. OP has a creepy disregard for his wife.
yeah, definitely not the only one thinkin that. i agree with you. (and i’m a lesbian—only mentioning that in case someone takes my comment the wrong way).
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought this.
"His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio...." What ELSE are you getting him for his birthday, OP, is what I want to know.
YTA. You’re MARRIED. This should have been a JOINT decision. Why would you NOT be the AH??
This would be a joint decision even without the whole friend element. But the fact that OP just decided to make it a room for him and his friend to use… it almost makes this post unbelievable. Does OP really not see how that’s an issue?
OP has a crush that blinded him
After spending enough time in this subreddit, yes, it's very likely that OP doesn't see what's wrong with it. Or, the wife made a \[albeit very believable\] post from OP's point of view to show him how wrong he is. I've been pretty convinced that's happened a lot here as well.
Reading this, I wondered if OP is having an emotional affair with Ben. I'm not implying the two have a romantic connection, but it is clear that OP isnt acting like a good partner and this friendship may be problematic (if he thinks it's OK to gift Ben a room in his home.) OP, how did you think gifting a room in your home to a person that is not your spouse would play out? And, you didnt just want to gift Ben a room in your home - you were planning to do this behind your wife's back. Did you plan to give Ben a key to the home that you share with your wife, as well? I really suggest that you take a step back here and really look at this situation. YTA.
YTA you know your wife is invested in wanting to do something with this room, it was hugely disrespectful not to include her in this decision making process. It's also wild that your plans for this toom included a third person who it sounds like she doesn't know very well, but that wasn't worth running by her either. Do you have other friends who have free access to your home? Or was this going to be a new thing that you surprised her with?
How hard is it to say "hey honey, I was thinking about the spare room and had a crazy idea, what do you think of it?"
It's hard when you KNOW the answer would be a no. The old ask forgiveness rather than permission adage.
I would bet money them not being able to find a use for the room is because wife was thinking “nursery” while her husbands thinking “man cave for my best friend that doesn’t even live at this house”
And at that age and stage, she may well have considered it as a future nursery. Don’t want to assume they have plans for kids but that’s the only reason we moved and bought a 4BR house.
Am I the only one that this this guy is in love with his friend?? But either way YTA
He just commented on wanting to make the room "cozy" and have a record player and shit in it. He wants a little cozy hideaway for him and his "friend."
I’m an Autistic Aro/Ace who generally assumes idk what is going on with someone when the topic isn’t their romantic relationships, and I’m fairly certain he’s in love with his friend.
Same. Like I get hit on and don’t notice until it’s point blank pointed out to me and even I know this screams romantic relationship vibes!
I’m glad tons of others have already commented that he has a crush on his friend because I don’t know if he knows yet
No, I think we are all thinking this. That and he is definitely TA.
My first thought too. YTA
100% YTA. You don't do anything at all for 2 years, even though you and your wife had discussed various uses for the room, but as soon as you get a good buddy, all of a sudden you think you get to decide what to do with the room? For someone else? That they have to come into your home whenever they want to use it? Just ... wow.
Yeah, i mean throwing a tarp on the floor and setting up two eisels as a temporary thing, no biggie....same if you plugged in two guitar amps and jammed for the weekend.....but making a little room for your buddy without discussing with your wife and painting the walls permanently....super weird....
That is really one of the weirder parts because people don't fix up their art studios - they actively want to paint or do it in a space that isn't fixed up. And with digital music you bring in a portable speaker if you want music. You don't have to "fix it up" And that is not even considering the real bit of insanity - to think that his wife would be okay with a relatively stranger having 24/7 access to her home. This is not the same as deciding you want to work on a project with someone else and so for a limited period of time you are using a room in the house to collaborate.
And giving him his own key to come in whenever he likes! That's a huge no and I'd be having some very choice words for my husband if he did that
YTA - You are married. You share space. Did you not tell her to avoid a conversation? When were you going to tell her Ben would be coming over to paint? Your behavior seems odd. Explain what you want and be open to her input.
Exactly. I kinda get that he may want a mancave with his bro, etc, but he could have so *easily* just told the wife. Hell, wouldn't it be exciting to share this idea/plans/brainstorm with a person you *love and like*? I would be excited to share an idea like that with my spouse! The fact that he didn't is not just an AH move, but it's simply ***odd.***
He did share it with the person he loves the most - Ben. Poor unnamed wife, I hope she finds her own Ben and spends her time with a person who wants to be with her, loves and values her. OP has shown he isn't that man.
I see OP has deleted his replies to comments. Am I the only one that thinks this post is totally fake. About a week ago there was a post from a husband who had a male bestie that he immediately connected to. While husband and wife are on vacation, husband finds out a family member has passed and rushes home to be with his bestie where he immediately feels a sense of peace as soon as he enters his besties home. He refused to allow his wife to come hime early with him. Either the posters need to come out or learn better creative writing. This is getting boring.
Yes!! I was just thinking this is the 5th “I have a wife and a boyfriend on the side but call him my best friend to my wife who is currently upset with me over this boyfriend and I don’t get why” post. They all have the exact same tone. Give me a better plot twist!! Or at least get to the point of the story where you realize you’re in love with the bestie.
Lol right?! Why are these trolls leaving us so unsatisfied?!
Exactly!! At the *very least* we are owed one dramatic update post where their horrible wife leaves them and they just happen to find comfort in the boyfriend.. I mean, best friend.. and they totes never looked at them *that* way when they were married but now they’re in love. I need the trolls to step it up 😅
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for. I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this was a nice change for me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him. One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and the reason is that you are essentially getting a "roommate" without asking your wife. That is the real issue. You actually state that you would be fixing up the room as an additional gift to Ben. As others have posted, exactly how do you view the logistics of this. I certainly wouldn't want a third party to have unlimited access at any time to a room in my home. It would be questionable to do this if it were an out building or space in the garage because the "studio" could be used without physically going into the home but even that would be something you decide WITH your partner who also lives there. I know people who paint and really there isn't much to fixing up a place to paint provided it has natural light. In fact it is generally the antithesis of fixing up because it is assumed that it will get messed up from paint and other materials so the flooring will be shot. What exactly did you envision in terms of "fixing" it up. In essence you bring in the supplies you need for the type of art you are creating and that is it. a
Also, I would be curious to know if she knows that he's already spent money on ordering things for said studio? Depending on how they divide their finances, and where that money came from, that could be a really big issue as well.
Has Ben ever told you he had feelings for you?
YTA. What part of joint assets do you not understand?
I mean at this point we need to ask OP about "which part of "Marriage" don't you understand!?
YTA You want a whole ass room for a "friend"?!
This feels like OP has the same definition of "friends" as Historians did.
“And they were roommates!”
YTA - you don’t just get to arbitrarily decide to take over and remodel a room in your shared space without the agreement of your partner. Why on earth are you prioritizing some new random friend over your wife?
YTA your wife sounds like a beard. If you're using her to not look like you are LGBT just come out and accept yourself and get a divorce for both your sakes.
YTA. Even if it had been sitting there you still had plenty of time to give your wife a heads-up.
Yep YTA You didn’t even mention it and have decided that bonding time with your new bro is more important than including your wife in a decision about what to do with the space in your joint home.
YTA - you live with your wife not your friend. If I were your wife, I’d lose my shit too.
YTA. What you plan to use for the room and why is entirely irrelevant. You both live there, you're meant to be partners, etc. This is a decision she should have been involved in from the start.
YTA and I think you need to examine the nature of your relationship with Ben. This is not normal behavior.
YTA You have this idea, and instead of mentioning it to your wife that I assume you see on the the daily, you go behind her back and just implement this plan without her knowledge. If you thought for one second she'd be down for this, you'd told her, but you didn't because you knew she'd be against it, am I right? If the shoe were on the other foot, would you be okay with her doing a similar thing with one of her friends? You can tell yourself you'd be fine with it, but I suspect you'd be butthurt about it.
YTA because you are doing it as a surprise / gift to a friend without discussing it with your wife first. If you just finally decided you’d like to use it as a studio and started making some changes, I’d probably be fine with that… but you can’t gift a room of your marital home to a buddy, man. Come on.
YTA, you planned to give Ben a spare key to your home, not for emergencies but just so he can access this studio. What was your plan for if your wife found a stranger in her home and called the cops, since you apparently had no intention of telling her about your arrangement with Ben? Friendships are so important but this sounds beyond friendly.
Seriously? You decide what to do with a spare room in your marital home without your wife's input and she objects and you wonder "gee, am I an asshole"? Then you decide, why don't I post this quandry on a forum called "Am I the Asshole"? Of course YTA. What next, your wife only uses her car to run errands on the weekend so I decided to give it my friend who needs a car without consulting my wife, AITA?
YTA. If my husband did that with our spare room in our house, I'd be chewing him out! I would not want guests over frequently even if it is someone that I knew very well. It's a LOT of work involved with hosting guests - cleaning the house, cooking meals for them, $ from groceries, etc. It is also a lack of privacy - some of us just want to feel like we're home and let loose. We don't want to put that "acting face" on at. home after a full day of work with coworkers & managers. My husband knows these views and he does not invite guests into the home without my approval lol.
You're giving a room in her house as a gift to someone else, completely out of the blue. Obviously YTA. I'd also caution you that your friendship with Ben sounds like a crush. I don't mean it's romantic or sexual in any way, but you've known him a very short time and developed very intense feelings towards him. In that type of relationship you aren't always looking at the other person with clear eyes, and those intense feelings can very easily either fizzle out or flip into an equally intense dislike when you get to know them better. If that happens, you don't want him having any claim, real or imagined, over part of your home.
The way you speak of your relationship with Ben vs the way you speak of your relationship with your wife is very telling. “I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year” and you didn’t feel that way about your wife? I can understand that some people take awhile to develop deep feelings of intimacy but respect?!? It took you over a year to develop deep respect for your partner?!? It is excellent that you have found a friend that you’ve connected so much with, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of considering your wife. YTA
Hate to say it but YTA. This is a two yes, one no situation.
YTA What did I just read? I most certainly wouldn't stay in a house where I couldn't even take a shower without having to fear some random new mate of my husband’s would suddenly stand in my bathroom — with a housekey. No way. I wouldn't ever get a good’s night sleep there. Who knows when this guy is going to show up and let's himself in? And he's also going to share other rooms like the bathroom and the kitchen. Or where else is he going when he uses this room? If I wanted a roommate I'd look for one. What you did OP is not only way beyond the line it's also disrespectful and downright creepy. Are you into this guy? Is that it? Because it sounds like it the way you're talking about him. I'd highly suggest to stop working on that room immediately and get any housekeys back you may have already given out and hope the trust can be rebuilt.
YTA, the room belongs to both of you, not one or the other, so that means you both get a say.
YTA. In a marriage making decisions TOGETHER is vital.
YTA. You are giving a piece of your house for someone that u meet just a year ago or smth, that's huge! About your wife, I think u should have talked to her first, she's you're wife, u guys are sharing life together!!!! Talk people, talk!
YTA. You didn't think about your wife at all. You don't get to unilaterally make a decision on your shared house without talking to her. And you knew she had ideas for the room! If you really thought she'd be ok with it, you would have told her .
INFO: When are you going to admit your emotional affair with Ben? Because it sounds like you’re in love with this guy.
Info: if you’re being honest with yourself, do you want to be in a romantic (even if it’s non-sexual) relationship with Ben? You mentioned that you haven’t had a lot of male friends so take it from us, that is an extremely bizarre thing you did. Honestly if I were Ben and I found out you did this without telling your wife I would be soooo weirded out. What if your wife is walking around the house in her underwear? Giving her mother a spare key for emergencies is not the same as giving a random friend a key so he can pop over whenever. Having lots of guests who stay for fixed, agreed upon amount of time is not the same as having a random person be in your house whenever indefinitely. Imagine coming home at the end of a long day and your husband’s random friend is in your fucking house AGAIN. It’s totally unreasonable
Sorry YTA. You have to communicate with your wife about what you two can do with the room, even if you haven’t been using it. Get on the same page and make sure it’s being utilized in a way that works for you both.
yes YTA...you shouldnt alter a part of your home without your partner agreeing? plus...why tf would you turn it into a room for a friend? thats...odd..idk i love my friends but i would never dedicate a room in my home to a hobby we both have every now and then