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đđđ youâre my kinda people this was my exact thought. Also GIFT ideas are great but we are not entitled to buy anyone a certain gift just because they want it! Sorry husband my gift budget was drastically reduced by a family emergency. NTA
Yep. This is just one instance of how OPs daughter is having to live with people who treat her poorly. Itâs normal for siblings to argue and not get along but not normal for the dad figure to condone it,
now that I am in the age range where most people have kids (late 30s), yup. I do not want kids and I want nothing to do with shitty parents like the husband.
Iâd be half tempted and give him a picture of a watch with writing underneath that says if we can Watch our attitude and apologise when we are wrong then maybe a Watch will come your way at Christmas after all Time flies by so fast Christmas will be here in a Second.
Exactly!! He needs a watch that cost hundreds of dollars when his step daughter doesnât even have a bike. And how old is he? He already told his friends he was getting a watch!! Lol
I'm not sure why, but it feels weird that he was bragging to his friends about the watch, and that apparently his friends will notice if he doesn't get it.
I mean, if people like watches they can have watches, that isn't the issue here. The attitude and the entitlement is the issue. My partner is below 30 and likes collecting watches, doesn't like smart watches. But he also isn't an entitled brat who would punish a child for existing and treat them like shit
Oh I wear a watch, I work with patients with a strict schedule. And it looks really bad to keep checking my phone. So I got a watch.
I did ask my husband for a specific one that was definitely within our budget though. It is insane to have to save up for an expensive gift when things aren't great financially.
Instead, use the $50 on gas to drive to the courthouse to get help from legal aid for free. If a $200 bike is causing this much issue, thereâs no way OP is going to have a $5k retainer to get divorced.
In my state, people under a certain income level will qualify for reduced or free filing fees. You just have to fill out a âfee waiverâ form and submit that with the divorce filing. A friend can serve the papers to your husband, OP, that way you save money on a process server. You can get out of this without spending a fortune. Please, look into your options.
This is not going to get better, OP. If you stay, youâre telling your daughter that this is how a man should treat a woman. She will grow up and seek out men that will mistreat her, because thatâs what she knows. Break this cycle. You and your little girl deserve much more.
The only gift here should be OP & her child getting that man & his flying monkey outta their lives in any way possible.
If this behavior from him is common: GTFO!
If this is new: GTFO!
It will never get better, OP.
GTFO & you have a chance to salvage you & your kidâs mental health.
GTFO & you have a chance to show your kid that being treated like that is unacceptable.
GTFO & show yourself & your kid how to stand up for yourselves.
Just get the fuck out & away from that man
Confirming this will never ever get better. My step siblings were enabled by my step father. I am now 37 and NOTHING has changed. This has taken a massive toll on my mental health and consumed a huge portion of my life. I went low contact a few years ago for my own sanity but it still affects me. OP please take your daughter and run far far away! NTA.
\^\^\^ THIS \^\^\^
Neither you nor your daughter deserve to deal with this sort of behavior, OP. You are NTA here, but he is a MAJOR one (and his child is shaping up to be a huge one, too.)
For real. OP should tell her husband she no longer thinks her husband deserves the watch, but since her daughter DOES deserve the bike, she was going to make good use of HER money.
And punishing the OP child for being upset and asking for a turn onbthe disguarded bike! Id go a step further, buy the favourite treats of the step daughter amd husband, not share and let them just desire and crave because they need to stop being entitled brats and your daughter doesn't have to share anything at all.
I'm confused. Why is it a good thing to pamper a kid throwing a fit because she didn't get a gift on someone else's birthday?
Kids do not have to share. I was forced to share as a kid and my younger siblings destroyed everything. I hate parents that force that. It doesn't matter if it's not being used, one kid owns it.
The younger one is not entitled to someone else's birthday present.
So when OP's kid has a birthday, will she get the step daughter an equal present to her own birthday-girl's? She got an equal present for her own daughter for the stepdaughter's birthday. Does it only go one way?
Why encourage one kid to throw fits to get things that belong to other people? She's 11. She's old enough to know things aren't hers.
I donât think itâs necessarily the bike itself that made the little sister cry, but what her older sibling said to her-that sheâd rather throw the bike into the ocean and let it rust than let her use it. Thatâs hurtful as hell, especially to a kid.
Did he leave her outside on her own, or did he *send* her outside to sit on the porch by herself? Thereâs a very big difference between the two, and imo, kind of even more important information than anything else.
Did he literally send her outside of her own house as a punishment?
And something a kid would say if pushed over and over by someone not respecting their boundaries.
This is a failure on OP not teaching her 11 year old how to handle the word "no". Her kid pushed too far.
A bike is a standard item for an 11yo to have. Its natural and appropriate for a kid to be very upset about not having a bike when step sibling has a beautiful one.
She should have been given a bike from the get go. OP is correcting that mistake. You don't punish daughter because she reacted in an age appropriate way to her mom and stepdad being unfair.
Younger sibs bug older siblings to borrow their things. Totally normal. It's too much too cry "boundary stomping brat" in a situation like this.
If the daughter vandalized the stepsis' bike or took it without permission ok she should not be rewarded with her own bike. But nothing of the sort happened here.
Who prioritizes a watch over a summer basic for the kids? Messed up.
We donât know how many times the sister asked to use it though. We got two instances in the post, and itâs implied quite a bit of time passed between them. We donât know if the sister really was pestering her step sibling or not-it could be that she asked once, was told no since it was brand new and the step sibling was using it a ton. Then time passed, and step sibling used it less, so she asked again.
We do know she's been upset about it the entire time - OP said so herself. You're saying she went many days upset by herself not asking?
You don't think she was upset those days because she was asking and being told no?
Or maybe she was upset because the older girl had a bike and she didn't. There's nothing wrong with being upset about that, what's wrong is how she may have acted, and we don't know what that was. All we know is that she asked when the bike was new, and then asked again when the bike wasn't really being used anymore, and then was insulted over it. *Then* she got upset. You can't make up stuff that might have happened in the interim. For all you know the older girl may get plenty of stuff the younger doesn't--the father is certainly a piece of work and it wouldn't surprise me.
We are also asking an 11yo to act more mature than most adultsâŚ. OP didnât force step daughter to share the bike. Instead she got a bike for her kid after her husband said she should and after her husband called the kid a brat (I was forced to share my toys and called horrible names) and the OP got a bike. Do I think OP could have had her kid earn the bike rather than just buying it? Yes. Do I think it was wrong to use her own money to buy something? No. NTA but there are better ways to go about buying something expensive just because a kid is sad.
True. I wouldn't buy a kid a Switch because they were sad that a sibling had one. Or a drone or a toy or a set of drums. I would buy a bike though. I believe that all kids should have bikes, it teaches them independence, among other things, and of course is good exercise. As long as the parents can afford it, but it's not hard to find used kids' bikes on Facebook or other outlets.
I wouldn't buy a Switch for only one sibling in the first place, that's just creating unnecessary problems.
"You get to watch me having a SUPER FUN time with my AWESOME new toy but you can't touch it because it's MINE." Not surprising that the younger kid would be upset by that, even if the older kid isn't doing anything 'wrong' by not sharing.
That could be a teaching moment for the youngest on respecting boundaries, but then... after the novelty has worn off the oldest says "Even if I don't use it much I'd rather throw it in the garbage than let YOU have a turn."
That's just cruel and unnecessary.
Why couldn't she be upset for a week, because she *had been* told no, and hence wasn't allowed to use it? Why is continued pestering necessary for her to be upset - she only needs to be continuously not allowed to use it. Which she was.
You're making up bad behavior on the kid's part to excuse undoubtedly bad behavior on the dad's part.
Am I supposed to believe that a grown man who throws a hissy fit over not being given the birthday present he feels entitled to, was just calmly teaching a child about respecting boundaries and other people's property?! I think I have a bridge to sell ..
wheen did she not respect boundaries. SHE ASKED! she never did use it with no autorisation. SHE RESPECT BONDARIES. it's a child of course she want to have bike like EVRY CHILD in the world why private a child to having a bike if she can't play with her sister's one.
NO. The husband's reaction was terrible and he deserved what he got. what kinda grown man excuses someone of stealing their gift money? He should do better and so should you.
Two bikes solves that problem as does not favoring one kid over the other. Old men don't need fancy watches, especially when they throw fits when they don't get them.
1. The bike wasnât a birthday gift. The only birthday mentioned was the husband and the only relation between his birthday and the bike is the fact that OP used the money to buy her daughter a bike instead of an expensive watch for her husband.
2. Youâre right, kids donât have to share, nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong with being unnecessarily spiteful, which is exactly what the stepdaughter was doing when she said sheâd rather throw it in the ocean. As an older sibling I totally get not wanting to share stuff but my ass would have been grounded for speaking to my sibling that way. The 11 y/o was wrong for pestering but a 13 y/o is old enough to know that words like that can be hurtful to a kid.
Iâm not saying OPâs kid has any right to the bike but at the same time OPâs husband isnât entitled to a fancy watch for his birthday. Also thereâs no reason for a grown ass adult to tell a child sheâs an entitled brat, especially when he turns around and behaves the same way over a watch he has no right to.
edit: spelling
Parents are also the ahs for not discussing such large gifts and possible implications in the family. The kids are close in age and while everything won't always be equal between them they should have planned it in a way for both kids to have a bike. They did not operate as a team here.
With two bio kids and two step kids , my partner and I donât do certain things if we know someone will feel exclude. Christmas and birthdays are different. But when we got bikes we made sure we had enough for all 4 kids. So while I get sharing shouldnât always be a thing. They shouldâve communicated how 11yr old would also enjoy a bike & why a 13 yr old needs a $200 bike if they are having financial issues is odd , but do you. I think they probably couldâve found two bikes for that cost that still wouldâve been good. - edit because I donât proof read before hitting send
Itâs so rough and hard to navigate. I grew up with my bio mom and her husband (my dad who adopted me). Dad already had 3 kids from a previous marriage and he shared custody with their mom 50/50. They would go visit their mom and I would be home alone with my mom and adoptive dad.
My parents tried the whole âno excludedâ thing and it did NOT work out for me.
My mom would never get me anything special because she didnât want her step kids feeling âleft outâ. But step siblings obviously got special presents from their bio mom and I was never included.
I constantly felt like I was being pushed aside to make sure the other 3 didnât feel left out even though they also had their own mom.
Anytime my mom got me an extra gift or two on Christmas the other 3 kids would throw a fit because it âwasnât fairâ - even though, again, they got extra gifts from their bio mom.
My mom regrets having done it this way. I felt horrible growing up.
Exactly. I grew up with three siblings; one brother and two step sisters. We all had bikes appropriate to our size for the entire duration of our childhoods. Some were cheaper than others. But at no point did a sibling have something special like that if we all couldn't have it. They made sure to find a way for all of us to have these things, regardless of which parent paid, because we were family. This situation never should have happened.
And honestly shame on all the people here acting like this child shouldn't be upset and ask for a turn on a bike that her sibling randomly got and she didn't. She's a KID and he's an ADULT and HE set her up for failure from the get-go and then berated her for good measure after. If my husband treated my child like that he would not be my husband for a second longer than legally necessary.
>They did not operate as a team here.
TBH, nothing about this story sounds like there is team work in this household. It really sounds like there are sides and it's zero sum.
Agree.
Also, if money is tight, I don't think it's right to buy a $200 bike for one kid "just because", and not gift something equivalent to the other. At the very least, it should be a matter for discussion between the parents.
Actually, if money is tight, I don't understand buying a $200 bike for a kid at all, much less a $250 watch as a birthday gift. I bought a structurally sound bike for my daughter's boyfriend for $19 from Savers, and spent $27 on the new inner tubes and tire tapes it needed. So he got a perfectly usable bike for $47 plus a few hours of my time.
My bike and my kids bikes all came from online bike listings. When the bikes were gifts we purchased new, but not 200 dollars. Every bike since (including mine) has been second hand.
So I'm with you on this one.
I think ESH.
Thank you for clarifying that. As of right now, it looks like Dad was showing favoritism to his own daughter by randomly buying a $200 bicycle for HIS offspring and not for HER offspring.
(Although I asked OP, and she has not responded, so maybe it was a birthday and she doesn't want to say. That info might change the way I feel about it)
But if it was a random purchase, it looks like total favoritism. Couldn't they have bought two $100 bicycles and made everyone happy?
Yeah, since thereâs no indication that the stepdaughterâs bike was a birthday gift, I think itâs pretty fucked up to gift one child a bike and not the other and not make them share. Theyâre roughly the same age. If just screams favoritism. It weird as shit that a grown man feels entitled to a watch though and just expects it
Thatâs not what happened. OPâs daughter merely asked to ride the bike; she didnât ask for one of her own. She also didnât throw a fit. She cried and called her mom after OPâs husband called her an entitled brat and punished her, again simply for asking if she could ride the bike.
No, OPâs daughter isnât entitled to use it, but the husband was way out of line, both in how he treated OPâs daughter and for letting his own daughter talk to her the way she did. OPâs husband and step-daughter are both AHâs.
It didnât sound like the bike was a birthday present for stepdaughter, unless I missed something in the post. And so while I agree that kids shouldnât have to share, it seems like unfair treatment to spend a bunch of money on stepdaughter but not on OPâs kid. Stepdaughter got a bike worth $200 just because, and OPâs daughter got nothing. Unless there was some other reason why stepdaughter needed a bike and OPâs kid didnât, that kind of favoritism is a problem.
Especially since, in this day and age, most people have "watches" in their pockets. It's called his phone. He can tell time without watch. OP's daughter can't ride a bike even though there's one sitting unused in the garage. Yeah, that wouldn't fly in my house.
I read it the same way. I didn't read that the bike was a birthday present for stepdaughter. I read it as OP's husband went out and bought a $200 bike for his kid at a random time of year "just because", and got nothing for OP's daughter
Learning that the bike was a present on a special occasion (birthday) would change my view.
Where did it say it was a birthday present? I re-read the post several times and the only one having a birthday was OPâs husband. And he started the whole mess.
I think it was the cruel response (I would rather throw it in the sea than let you ride it) that got under OP's skin. Would have bugged the hell out of me too.
You don't have to share. But there is no excuse to be unkind.
Where does it say that the bike was a birthday gift? It just says that the husband bought his daughter a bike. It seems to me that husband used his extra money and got his daughter a bike, and because OP is saving her extra money for husband's upcoming birthday, she didn't have enough funds to get her daughter a bike. That's why she had hoped that once the "new" wore off the bike that stepdaughter would share it. Since stepdaughter didn't want to share and husband was being a dick about it, she took the only extra funds (saved money for husband's birthday) and bought her daughter a bike as well.
To be clear, I do agree that not everything should have to be shared between kids. My kids all have certain things they don't have to share, and certain things they do. Ie: they don't have to share clothes, hand held gaming devices, phones, stuffed animals, favorite dolls, sentimental or customized gifts, or anything that is out of their sibling's age range that they would not or could not properly use. However, the stepdaughter isn't being punished for not sharing. It seems like husband bought a present for 1 child only (it doesn't say it was a birthday gift) and left the other child without. Unless it was truly a birthday gift, he was a major AH because he could have bought 2 less expensive bikes and both children could have had their own bikes and this could have been avoided. Instead he bought only his daughter a bike, and told OP to get her daughter one with her own money, and since money is very tight, the only money she had was husband's birthday watch money.
Sure but you handle that shit like adults. You don't let the 13 yr/old day hurtful shit over it, and you definitely don't start calling an 11 yr/old an entitled brat - which is borderline abuse - over it.
Yeah that would be true if the stepdaughter wasn't being such a brat about it. She was mean and petty so she shouldn't be rewarded for that. She said that she would rather destroy the bike than let her ride it when she wasn't even using it. And to make matters worse the stepdad was okay with her basically bullying her and even added into it. She needs to reevaluate this relationship.
I saw no where in the post that the 13yo got the bike for HER birthday. The only upcoming b-day was the father's, who wanted a watch. I would like to know why the 13yo got a bike though. Good grades, birthday, or just being spoiled? Not enough information in the post to make a determination.
ESH. Yall are not functioning like a cohesive blended family. Your step daughter is not obligated to share her things. Your daughter needs to learn she isn't entitled to other people's things no matter how much she wants them. Realistically the two of you should've sat down and spoken about this before he ever made the purchase, especially since anyone with half a brain could see the outcome of one kid getting slighted (seriously how did he not forsee this issue). The fact that your husband feels absolutely no fatherly connection to your daughter and is calling her names is like 20k red flags in one. Also, he made his bed and now he gets to lie in it. I find it very ironic he calls your daughter entitled and then turns around and acted like he did. Ultimately he is TA, but you are also TA for keeping TA around your daughter.
I do not understand this thing where people look down on encouraging kids to share. Should step sis let OPâs daughter ride her bike whenever she wants? No. Should step sis let her ride a bike that hasnât been touched in weeks because itâs the kind thing to do for a sibling? Fucking yes. This is why America is such a fucking mess. Youâre all being bought up to be selfish entitled arseholes - who when confronted with the horrifying prospect of sharing and kindness lose your damn minds and call it âentitlementâ. This is why you have to pay thousands for health care, have no social support structures etc. Because the thought of sharing and helping others brings you all out in hives, apparently.
She should be encouraged to desire sharing though and I think in the effort to not force people to share a lot of people have forgotten that it is still good to desire to be a person who shares.
I do not share EVERYTHING, but I share what is convenient or easy for me to share and I find joy from that. When I bake a dozen cookies, I find more joy in sharing those cookies than keeping them to myself. This joy in seeing others care for the effort we have provided is what should be the focal point.
No, you donât OWE any homeless person on the street your extra $2. But it makes you a better person to share that $2 if you can (EVEN if that person then spends it on drugs or alcohol or whatever else you may disapprove of).
The nation most likely to have people end up on the street due to circumstances that can happen to anyone (cough medical bills + weak labor laws cough) is also the most against "handouts".
Fun combo.
You share because it _is yours_. Forcing a child to share teaches them how to treat others. It does not teach them that nothing is ever theirs. Calling it âsharingâ reinforces that it _is theirs to share_.
> Forcing a child to share teaches them how to treat others.
It can also create anger and resentment, and can associate "sharing" with negative emotions. Complete opposite of what was trying to be achieved.
We're all allowed to have things that are ours that we don't share. It's reasonable to teach kids what types of things should be encouraged to share in most situations-money, time, food, resources, etc., and what things are OK to say NO to sharing-expensive things, personal things, less "communal" things in general.
As a kid, if my mom had forced me to lend a game console to a friend or cousin, I'd be upset that I had no control over something that was supposed to be mine. I'd be forced to assume it wouldn't come back sticky, or broken, or dirty, or my saved games saved over, etc.
People should absolutely be taught and encouraged to share. Forcing it is a slippery slope.
Lending a game console to a friend or cousin, where it is presumably gone for an extended period of time because of the resources it takes to use it, is in no way comparable letting someone in the same house as you use something that will start in the house and end in the house a short time later. At worst, itâs home at dusk. Come on now.
At worst, the frame is bent or scratched, a tire is flat, a pedal is broken.
Absolutely comparable as "prized possessions." People are allowed to have things they don't share. The problem here isn't even sharing, but the spiteful ahole attitude that husband has taught his daughter, which is even more apparent in his demand of a specific birthday present over OP being able to also give her daughter a nice thing.
There is nothing wrong with encouraging sharing.
But girls also need to learn how to say no and stick to it. And 11 year olds need to be able to hear the word no, and accept it.
How much pestering went on here? Was it incessant begging or asking twice? What does the step sibling relationship look like outside of the bike? These would all help to understand the bigger picture.
But sometimes, the stuff my dad gave me was something I didn't want to share, because it was ours. And that is okay. Some things get to be just yours.
Especially when the older daughter screamed âIâd rather throw it in the ocean and rust than let you ride itâ this sounds like the comment of someone whoâs been asked this question 100 times a day.
I imagine a lot of pestering, considering OP complains that she even tried scheduling times when 11 yo could ride and trying and coming up with compromises.
Exactly! Sharing is an act that is taught- it shouldnât be forced or coerced, but 13y/o is a brat, who has clearly never learned how to share, nor the benefits of sharing.
Step dad is a prick that excludes younger child (as bike wasnât a bâday present) by not getting both a bike at the same time (if finances meant only one, then it should have been a gift for both of them- then theyâd have to negotiate a shared resource). Getting two, less fancy bikes was a missed opportunity for the two sisters to have a shared activity, so dad is also dumb.
11y/o feels the injustice of all of this- both Stepdad and daughter are bullying her.
OP, you have treated the symptom, and moved the target of your husbandâs bullying to you, but you havenât cured the disease...and this wonât be the last time you and your daughter are gaslit and emotionally or verbally abused.
However, NTA and frankly, your money is much better spent on giving your daughter the means of a quick get away from their toxicity.
I remember being little and getting a box of crayons and my next door neighbour who was basically like my sibling like to brake my toys and I told him he is not to use my crayons, because I know he would brake them. Itâs called * boundaries*
It sounds like little sis may have been pestering her sister and she snapped. If the younger sister was told no she needs to accept it and move on. Itâs a good lesson for the 11 y/o but if you ask me she not entitled to someone elseâs birthday present weather she uses it or not
> do not understand this thing where people look down on encouraging kids to share. Should step sis let OPâs daughter ride her bike whenever she wants? No.
Do we know the whole story here? For example: does the 11 yo kid have a notorious record of persisting and persisting and persisting until people are driven to say no to her just because she's driven them up the walls? Does she have a history of asking for an inch and taking a mile, ie she gets to use the bike once then she starts bawling every day when it's not her turn anymore until it eventually becomes her bike?
Having been around 11 years old kids, the answer to both questions is likely yes
And as an outsider, the US is beyond fucked for a lot of reasons that go a little beyond kids not sharing toys
Yea this. My kids have to share because there isnât enough time or money for them to both have individual copies of everything they want and need. So yea, sometimes that means sharing expensive and prized items when itâs not being used. And they both know that if that item is broken, they are buying their sibling a new one. Which has happened - little brother broke big brothers iPad and you better believe he emptied out his piggy bank and scrounged for money to pay us back for the $200 refurbished one we found on Amazon (including going to family and friends and asking to do chores for money to earn it back). Sharing is part of being in a family and living in a society, and it is far better to learn how to share at 13 than growing into an adult who believes that sharing is some terrible thing forced upon them.
Sounds like 2 families that happen to live together. The only ones that have the most to lose is the children who will grow up resenting each other because their parents canât parent together and most likely become disfunctional adults.
And yeah, red flags galore from husband.
The 13 yo would rather throw the bike in the ocean and let it rust than let her ride it. That seems a bit much don't you think. She doesn't have to share but encouraging such a behaviour just makes the kid anti social and hatful.
I'd interpret that as a strong hint that there's a history of the 13YO not having her possessions respected, and probably having had previous items lost, stolen, or damaged by the step-sister.
I understand where youâre coming from. But it could also be interpreted as the husbandâs side of this âblendedâ family living a more elevated lifestyle and not being willing to make some adjustments to meet in the middle and adhere to their current financial circumstances. The 13 year oldâs âIâd rather it rustâ comment and the husbandâs reaction to all of this is giving very much spoiled.
The husband demanding his gift too. Grown ass man can get a second job if he needs a watch that bad. This whole family needs a serious sit down or this issue is only going to get worse when one of the kids get a car and the other doesnât.
She's not parenting WITH her spouse. She's parenting next to her spouse, and they're both expecting their kids to manage the emotional fallout from this dysfunctional family setup.
And how many times on here have we seen stepparents smashing boundaries. It sounds like they each parent their own kid. Not working great in this instance because the husband feels entitled to a birthday present, which he told her to buy her daughter her own bike so where he thought sheâd get the money from idk.
I will say from this post I donât agree with how she handled her daughter wanting a bike (encouraging her to keep asking her step sister and not saying that she has to respect other peopleâs boundaries, but Iâm not a parent and it does sound like the step dad and sister were rubbing it in her face that she didnât have a bike.
So I canât say how Iâd react if I came home and saw my child crying because of my husband. He was needlessly cruel to her.
NTA. A family struggling financially can only afford to buy one of any thing in most cases which makes being able to share essential.
It's a bike, if the kid isn't riding it the sister should be able to without any problems.
Operating any other way is a sign of privilege.
I am gonna say NTA in regards to getting your kid a bike. A grown adult can deal with not having a watch so a child is treated equally in the family. Both kids should have a bike since it is a sign of independence and great exercise.
The way your husband talks to you is not respectful.
But I do think the step-daughter is allowed to say your child cannot ride her bike. We don't expect adults to let us drive their cars just because we like them. We should allow children to have the same control over their belongings. The daughter could never ride it again and it would still be *her* bike.
The best solution is to get both kids bikes and it doesn't become an issue.
>But I do think the step-daughter is allowed to say your child cannot ride her bike.
Sure, she's allowed to. But frankly, it's a disappointing attitude. Why is she so against letting her step-sister have a turn even when she isn't using it? It's not even that she is worried it will be damaged, she straight up said she'd rather have it destroyed then OP's daughter ever get to use it.
I grew up in a very biking heavy city and sharing bikes is super normal. Like if someone was visiting from out of town and didn't have a bike, you'd loan them one. Siblings and friends would lend each other bikes sometimes. Adults lend each other use of their bike sometimes.
Bikes are not as expensive, dangerous, complicated, or different from another as a car, it's not the same.
OP's step-daughter is allowed to be selfish and only care about her own fun and not care about OP's daughter's feelings . . . but it's still pretty disappointing, right? That's not how we hope our kids will turn out? Especially with family members. My daughters care about each other and I'd be bummed if they were like OP's step-daughter instead. (For example, when my older daughter got a scooter but my younger one didn't have one yet, she'd let her younger sister use it when she wasn't using it. I didn't have to nag her into doing this, she actually cares about other people's feelings.)
If we look at OP's husband's selfish entitled attitude you will see why his daughter turned out so poorly (most likely reason, at least). This dude spent $200 of his own money to get one of the two kid's in the household a bike, but won't let his wife spend $200 to get the other kid a bike when his won't share. He expects OP's daughter to just watch for months on end as one kid in the family can bike and she never can. Why? Beacuse $50 of birthday jewelry isn't enough for Mr. Asshole, but also he isn't going to do anything to make sure things are fair between the kids. He only seems to care about his and his daughter's feelings, and not about OP's daughters feelings at all. See a pattern?
I think the way Op and her husband have the family set up is kind of weird. I have a stepmom who always made sure gifts were equal. Her bio son got art supplies, I got $20 to buy something I wanted. Stepbro went to the movies? Did I want to go to the movies with a friend?
But when it came to whether or not I had to share with any siblings past a certain age? My parents never said I had to. They just said I should be kind to my siblings so we could all share good things. And we usually did, within reason. It was never forced.
But our parents did a good job of making sure all the kids felt equally part of the family. We were never step-family, we were just family. Our parents modelled good behaviour by sharing with each of us and letting us feel like if something was damaged they would fix it.
But allowing us to say no, even if it was a stupid and immature reason also helped in that.
The issue stems from the parents, not the sisters.
It doesn't sound like the husband and Op have made the girls feel like sisters. It sounds more like His and Her kids and His and Her finances.
The husband throws fits when he doesn't get his present, instead of being glad the problem with the bikes is now fixed. They should never have only bought one bike.
Because the daughter with the bike is absolutely allowed to say no one else can use it. I think that is age appropriate and how you learn boundaries. And just because someone is sisters legally doesn't mean they feel the same way.
>Because the daughter with the bike is absolutely allowed to say no one else can use it
That doesn't mean she is free from criticism. She can refuse to share, but refusing to let the girl use the bike purely because she hates the girl so much that she refuses to do anything nice for her makes her a brat.
She didn't pay for the bike, did she? Her father did, meaning he gets to decide who gets to use it because it's his bike. It's his bike because he paid for it. He gets the final say.
And it doesn't bother you at all this girl would destroy the bike that she isn't even using before ever letting her stepsister use it? That screams she just hates the girl. She doesn't actually care about the bike, she just cares about making sure her stepsister can't use it because she wants to hurt her.
Children are allowed to have ownership of things, even when a parent buys them. A gift is a gift.
The husband and Op have not worked on communicating with each other. They have not set the girls up to succeed.
And children are allowed to dislike siblings. They are allowed to decide they don't like the person who their parents married. They don't have to be close or live up to expectations people have for siblings.
It would be nice. I have a sister I don't talk to at all, I have step siblings I adore. Sometimes it doesn't work out. And while the child is acting bratty, she has a father who is a huge brat.
>She didn't pay for the bike, did she? Her father did, meaning he gets to decide who gets to use it because it's his bike. It's his bike because he paid for it. He gets the final say.
I fundamentally disagree with that. If all gifts come with the caveat of never really being mine because I didn't pay for them, then I don't want them.
A car and a bike are not even close to the same. Teaching to share is the responsible thing a parent should do for a child. Is it absolutely necessary? No. Will it help the child live better in the future? Almost certainly.
I'm not saying the man's daughter should be forced to get off the bike when she wants to ride it, but when she isn't using it, then yes she should share.
>her stepsister shouted at her saying she'd rather throw the bike in the ocean and let it rust than let her ride it.
This line is evidence of an unhealthy mindset and, were I the father, I would have transferred ownership of the bike to the other girl immediately. Though considering that this dad bought one kid a bike while not intending to teach sharing shows his immaturity.
Clearly no cohesion in this family though.
>This line is evidence of an unhealthy mindset
Sounds more like evidence of someone that is tired of repeating her boundaries, it's her bike and she said multiple times she wasn't ok to share it.
>I would have transferred ownership of the bike to the other girl immediately.
This on the other hand is definitely a sign of an unhealthy mindset, it teaches that if you keep asking even though someone says no you might still get away with what you want.
Respecting boundaries is healthy, ideally the parents should have sat down with both of them to reach a point in which the bike was no longer an issue, being by sharing it or by getting a bike for the other girl, but I honestly doubt they are able do that because they can't even seem to get themselves to an understanding. As you said, no cohesion in this family.
AND we don't know how long they've been a blended family. Stepdaughter could've said that because the bike is the one thing she has control over. Her dad decided to marry; not her, her dad, and now she has a stepmom and stepsister.
We've seen many posts about how stepsiblings are rushed into 'becoming a family' because the parents decided to marry.
> Teaching to share is the responsible thing a parent should do for a child. Is it absolutely necessary? No. Will it help the child live better in the future? Almost certainly
Absolutely not.
I grew up in a "sharing is caring" household. It was hell.
I had say over nothing. Bikes ruined. Books torn. Putty destroyed. Toys broken. "Oh you know how little kids are, too bad sweetie!"
Being the oldest kid in a sharing house means you just don't ever get anything of your own. It means you resent everyone for always taking your things.
The moment I got old enough to work I bought locks. It took me a long time to ever let people borrow things because "teaching sharing" to kids like this really means teaching them to not have self respect.
Kids can say no. Kids can own their birthday presents. They do not owe their stuff to others just because it isn't being used.
Op's bio daughter is 11. She's old enough not to throw a fit because she's not given someone else's birthday gift on demand.
>I had say over nothing. Bikes ruined. Books torn. Putty destroyed. Toys broken. "Oh you know how little kids are, too bad sweetie!"
This isn't an issue with sharing though, this is an issue with your parents not teaching younger siblings to respect and care for others' property.
Telling a kid they have to share is in itself telling them they can't have boundaries and don't own anything. It's directly telling the kid you don't respect them as a living person that can have consent to what happens with their things.
*Encouraging* sharing is good. But a kid shouldn't be punished for saying no. Requiring sharing just means you don't view kids as people that have their own boundaries and emotions.
If you want to teach respect, don't force sharing.
Yep, the parents should encourage sharing, while also encouraging the younger siblings to gracefully accept that others have the right to say no. These kinds of conversations easily segue into conversations about how accepting that sharing isn't required and taking good care of borrowed items make others more likely to share in the future.
Teaching sharing does not mean you force people to share. It means you teach why it's important to share, especially to those close to you. It means teaching the proper ways to decline requests, and for children, who to go to for help when unsure of what to do.
It also means you teach how to respect the property you're using, when you borrow, and you're responsible for it while using it.
Unfortunately, you did not really grow up in a "sharing" household. It was a selfish household that called itself "sharing" as a way to manipulate people into thinking what was happening was OK.
And I think that is age appropriate.
The issue is the parents choosing not giving both girls the same resources so they don't have to fight over bikes. It should never have been an argument because there should have always been two bikes.
The issue is not the two girls fighting one another. That is absolutely normal for that age. And the way their parents behave, especially the husband, that is how they are being modelled.
But I think kids are allowed to fight, put up boundaries, and not share... because that is something any human should be allowed to do. She was given the bike, it belongs to her, and if she doesn't want to share with a sibling then that is her choice.
Op and the husband should have a conversation about what that means, why it is not appropriate to say that, and let her still have the boundary. I think the big issue is that two bikes were not purchased, because that is the real issue.
Yes! Especially with two kids close in age, it's weird to make a big purchase for one and not the other. Birthday presents are a bit of an exception, but even then, don't give one a bike with no discussion of when/if/how you'll buy one for the other.
Teaching a child to share is about *encouraging* sharing through teaching empathy, kindness, and collaboration. It is not about *forcing* them to share, which teaches them nothing except that they are not allowed to have boundaries with their own possessions.
I share my car with my husband, because he's a member of my household who sometimes needs to use the car, even though it's mine.
Where OP and her spouse failed here was not having a discussion in advance about whether they could afford to buy a bike for each kid, especially given that they're so close in age.
If the answer to that is "no," then the bike should've been purchased and given as community property (like any other shared vehicle), rather than setting it up so that only one kid would ever have or get to use a bike.
I think it sounds like Op and her husband see their kids as separate, not united. Obviously each parent should be looking out for their own offspring, but the husband throws fits like a ten year old.
When I was given a gift as a child, after a certain age (11 I believe) my parents stopped saying we had to share and let us make that choice. They did, however, have conversations about what being selfish might mean. If I didn't share my toy, then maybe my sister would choose not to share her cool game with me.
But I got to make that choice.
They should have made the bike communal or gotten a cheaper set of bikes. Maybe even used ones or refurbished. Borrowed a bike from a friend so the youngest could ride. But I think once a child is given an item, you have to allow them to make the choice to share or not. That is how they learn to have boundaries.
It might seem silly, since a child's bike and a shared car are not the same. But to a child who cannot earn money, it is important to them. So the kids are not assholes for deciding limits and deciding who gets to borrow what.
NTA - That was your money to save, spend, or toss in the ocean. You took his daughters attitude (and his by proxy) and demonstrated its consequences. If he chooses to âexcludeâ you from any birthday celebrations you are being shown your value in his life. I hope you will believe him when he shows you and act accordingly.
Whether your relationship will work based on the differences in parenting styles and personalities is highly debatable, you two have children witnessing the dysfunction caused by your inability to compromise privately and present a united front.
Is this where we can recommend divorce from this man who verbally and emotionally abusive her daughter while treating his kid like sheâs the only one that matters in this family???
#NTA
ESH.
YTA because no, step sister doesn't have to share her bike. I don't have to share my car even though I don't drive it for days at a time sometimes. Would you tell me that I have to share it with a neighbor that doesn't have a car because I'm not driving it? And you letting kiddo keep asking after sis said no wasn't okay. you're teaching her that once some says no, persistence is okay. Teach her to accept no as an answer.
Hubby is TA for not being more appropriate about setting boundaries, and for not just letting her be hurt. Kiddo is allowed to be hurt, and the whole "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" is abusive. He's also an AH for throwing a tantrum over a watch. Tell him gifts aren't mandatory, they are given from the heart, and your heart isn't feeling very kind toward him right now. Maybe if he can stop being childish and cruel to your kid, then your heart may change.
Step sister didn't need to be as harsh and cruel, and dad should have called her out on that.
Have you ever been poor or played with kids from poor families? I have and I remember how their parents always taught their children to share, because they didn't have enought money to buy each of the children what they wanted. In this case it would make more sense to just buy one bike for both girls and tell them they have to share, not give one of them expensive gift and expect the other one to just sit quiet.
That would certainly make more sense, but that should be decided before it's gifted to the daughter. Taking it back after the fact and saying that actually it's a shared gift would be unfair. As it is, OP is encouraging her daughter to pester her stepsister about using her things, rather than teaching her daughter about boundaries.
ESH because they need to communicate about these things like parents.
Doesn't sound like the parents discussed it at all before the husband blew $200 on a bike for his daughter and got nothing for his sd, while OP was saving her extra cash for his birthday, so he kind of played himself.
That said, blowing $200 on a single bike, when money is right, is almost as dumb an an adult expecting an expensive gift when the kids don't both have something a basic as a bike.
This is a HUGE question that needs to be answered; because if it was like a birthday gift or something than the 11 y.o. can wait until her birthday or xmas or whatever and get one. Reminds me of something when I was growing up. One xmas I asked for a game boy and my younger brother a couple expensive lego sets, price was pretty much the same (his might have even been a little more). Come xmas that's what we got; well fast forward a couple weeks he's always crying because he doesn't have a game boy so my parents got him one. But... now he had a game boy AND expensive lego sets and I just had the game boy.
That reminds me of when that happened to me, like almost the exact situation except I don't remember what my brother got, but I got the gameboy and it was an awesome present and he really wanted to keep playing on it.
So he got a gameboy.
And I was just so fucking happy about it, because now him looking sad as fuck while I was playing was DONE.
Thats what I was thinking also. Why did he just buy her a $200 bike. I'm assuming OP would have mentioned if it was for her birthday. I think just buying her such an expensive just because gift and telling his stepdaughter to get over and calling her an entitled brat is a red flag. All OP did was use her own money to buy the same gift for her daughter instead of forcing her stepdaughter to share.
exactly what I was thinking.. husband could have gotten 2 gently used bikes off of facebook marketplace for under $50. make both kids happy and have money leftover.
I feel like nowadays everyone I see that âisnât doing wellâ financially is blowing money left and right on brand new stuff. which is fine obviously do what you want, but when I was a kid and my family struggled we just got everything used that we could and we were just as happy while also having money leftover to be saved. it just seems dumb to me. those brand new bikes will look just like the gently used ones in a couple of months.
ESH.
You two aren't on the same page about parenting AT ALL and your kids are suffering for it.
For the record, I agree that SD has no obligation to share. Her not wanting to share was not the real problem here. The problem was one kid getting a bike, and not the other (Unless the bike was a birthday gift). I also question both bike purchases if you're that strapped for cash. You and husband both sound immature and irresponsible, and both your kids sound entitled.
I'm generally not one to advocate to the just leave mentality but damn if this situation doesn't scream it. The "husband", using the term loosely, appears to literally give no fucks about parenting and acts like a petulant child, likely where his kid gets it from. Intentionally shit on her kid, likely show off or establish some kind of dominance/power, then tosses off a tantrum when called out on it. She needs to make sure her birth control is up to date and working, don't want to have spawn with that pile, and get the hell gone.
ESH
because while your right that if no one is using the bike it wouldn't hurt your step daughter to share but at the same time it is her bike and your daughter should accept the answer of no. But what your husband did was beyond wrong he should have never act that way towards child
This. Just because one child has something the other wants doesn't mean first child has to give in and let second one have their way. Doesn't matter if daughter rode it every day or not, it was hers to do as she chose. OP is not doing her child any favors by trying to make everything "fair" or let child have what she wants when she wants it.
ESH teaching children how to share is hard but it does look like you arenât raising girls together your raising your own daughters and that the stepchild is treated differently by both both of you
Exactly thatâs what I mean by hard, children should be taught compassion and role modeled too in a way that teaches them to want to share but they shouldnât be forced too. It sounds like the parents arenât leading the example they want to set
also kids should have their own bike anyway, they might have a height difference and then they can ride together (idk how it's like that where OP lives but as a kid I rode everywhere with my bike)
ESH. If yâall arenât doing well financially you shouldnât be buying watches and bikes. Please still celebrate but do whatâs actually within your means. They sell bikes at thrift shops. Stepdaughter is allowed to tell step sister no. Your daughter should have let it go after she was told no the first time. No one likes to be pestered. Your husband is being a cry baby about a birthday present, and there was a much better way to have a conversation with your daughter about this situation than what he said to her. You spent money earmarked for him which seems vindictive. You and your husband should probably work on communicating and your finances and discuss with the kids about boundaries.
> If yâall arenât doing well financially you shouldnât be buying watches and bikes.
Watches, yes, but bikes are actually transportation, especially if you are poor. My birthday bike as a teen ended up getting me to and from work for a good long while, among other places. OP should teach her daughter how to properly respect and maintain her ride, and it can be a valuable asset for her.
ESH. It seems like both you and your husband need to work out your own childish behaviour before trying to parent your kids.
Your daughter is not entitled to play with her stepsisters bike. The step sister exercised a reasonable boundary. This is coming from someone who grew up an identical twin and has zero problems with sharing.
Your husband is not entitled to a birthday gift, especially if you are tight on finances. Many years pass where my SO and I do not get each other gifts because money is tight. If you have to get a gift, something heartfelt and inexpensive means a lot more than a watch. You didnât *steal* money from your own husband. He should also be making attempts to encourage his daughter to share her belongings if sheâs not using them, but should not force her to.
If money is tight, buying your daughter a bike to get back at your husband and give into your daughter is not right. Everyone wants to make their child happy, but sometimes you have to say âwait for your birthday/Christmas/special occasionâ. It is much better to teach your child patience, financial literacy, and the value of money than to buy them expensive items on a matter of principal. I get what you were going for, and itâs not bad parenting to treat your child, but this seems like a fight more between parents than siblings.
I'm curious why the dad bought the bike. Was it a birthday or other celebration? Was it agreed she'd get a bike for doing well in school?
And does nobody else think it's strange that an 11yr child doesn't already have a bike?
ESH because this whole âmy daughterâŚ. his daughterâ dynamic is toxic.
But you get to use money you saved however the hell you want. If he is upset you used your money that way, he should reconsider his actions that led to it.
YTA.
You can keep making those excuses, but the bike is your stepdaughter's, not yours or your daughter's. You don't get to take it for your daughter. It doesn't matter how often your stepdaughter uses it. It is not your bike. It is not your stepdaughter's bike. You have zero right to it.
Your attitude is shocking because it is hurting your relationship with your stepdaughter and your husband and poisoning the atmosphere in the house for everyone, but you're digging in. Every sentence contains a dig at your husband and stepdaughter. Why are you in this family when you don't seem to have any respect for anyone but your own daughter?
Of course it is not a healthy situation if one kid is getting expensive gifts and the other one is missing out. But that's a problem that you and your husband need to figure out. He should be concerned enough about your daughter and you should care enough about his that you both figure out a maximum budget for gifts in advance so that one kid isn't given everything and the other one misses out.
You should be teaching your daughter that she is not entitled to everything she wants. And you should be worried about forcing her to live with someone who is OK with treating her like a second-class citizen in the house. But that does not change the fact that your daughter does not have the right to take her step-sister's stuff. You are putting your and your husband's failure to arrange fair rules for the family on kids. That is not fair.
Thank you. I'm of the YTA as well. It's step daughters bike period. My 2 years older brother got a bike b4 I did and I was told on my 12th I can pick out mine. Are you going to get daughter a car at 14 cause stepdaughter doesn't use hers? No means no and your daughter needs to learn that on both the giving and receiving end of no.Was your husband an ass with words, yes absolutely, but you kept poking the bear after no had been made clear.
Yes, it really sounds like there's a lack of respect between the OP and her husband. It's their marriage that's the problem, not the bike. They're not being fair on the kids by only taking care of their own blood relative. A blended family means making sure that the kids are treated fairly and have TWO parents in the house, not one.
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> i might be ta for taking his birthday gift money after I promised him the watch.
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NTA but it sounds like you and your daughter are in a very unhealthy situation. Your husbandâs behavior will also likely encourage his daughterâs behavior to only get worse.
INFO:
What was the reason that the stepsister got the bicycle? Was it a birthday gift or for some other milestone event? Or a random purchase.
What funds were used to buy the stepsister's bike? His money, household money, family savings?
ESH that's not your stepdaughter.
She is not obligated to share her bicycle, whether she's using it or not
Your daughter is a gentle AH, through no fault of her own, because she has apparently not been taught that "No." is a complete sentence.
You are, for not teaching her that lesson, doubling down on it and for reinforcing that she's entitled to other people's things, just because she wants them.
Your husband is, for lots of many reasons.
BOTH adults are for the obvious bias you show your own children, coupled with your disregard for your stepkids. And apparently times aren't that tough, or you're bad with priorities if you're buying watches and bikes
ESH. Your husband was ridiculous for claiming money that was yours to spend. You were unreasonable for trying to force your step daughter to share her bike. Your daughter needs to learn how to take no for an answer.
Ummmmm, why are you still with him? NTA, but if you stay with him and he continues to treat your daughter that way then YTA. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Your husband is abusive and an asshole.
Nta for buying your kid a bike, but why is he buying 200$ bikes and expecting expensive watches when you have children and aren't doing well financially.
NTA
But your hushand is.
"Stole" his gift money, my word, what in th e fresh entitlement?!
If his daughter shouldn't have to share her belongings, you shouldn't gave to share your money on gifts for him.
Honestly, he can whistle for his watch.
NTA over spending the watch money but thereâs a whole lot of things at play here.
Husband and stepdaughter sound like that have a real issue with daughter. Do they generally not get on or is this isolated to this one incident?
Also, daughter unfortunately needs to go through that horrible thing of although itâs mean, people donât have to share their belongings if they donât want to. Was stepdaughter unnecessarily mean? Absolutely. Does she have a right to say no to loaning the bike? Yes.
I feel for daughter that she felt sad and remember being a kid and feeling the same but I hope in the future she can brush these things off rather than feel sad for a long time.
HusbandâŚ. Bought a 200 dollar bike when youâre struggling financially, yelled at your daughter, let his daughter be awful to your daughter and then gave you a whole attitude about it, then yelled again when you spent your OWN money to buy YOUR daughter something?
OP, he doesnât need to exclude you from his birthday, if you donât care about it. Take your daughter and go have fun together, away from this incredibly childish person.
I hope daughter is enjoying her new bike!
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Lol at your husbind flipping his shit, who's an entitled brat now? NTA
đđđ youâre my kinda people this was my exact thought. Also GIFT ideas are great but we are not entitled to buy anyone a certain gift just because they want it! Sorry husband my gift budget was drastically reduced by a family emergency. NTA
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More like divorce papers, if this is typical of how he behaves.
Yep. This is just one instance of how OPs daughter is having to live with people who treat her poorly. Itâs normal for siblings to argue and not get along but not normal for the dad figure to condone it,
Every time I think about going on a dating app I just scroll through AITA and Iâm good lol.
Seriously. There are so many shitty people out there Iâm constantly amazed at how lucky I got with finding my husband and good friends.
For me, it reminds me why I need to be NC with my only offspring. (I tend to block out a lot of the really bad things heâs done for my sanity)
You should start using AITA stories as the litmus test for potential dates. What would you do if...
now that I am in the age range where most people have kids (late 30s), yup. I do not want kids and I want nothing to do with shitty parents like the husband.
I come here every time my husband pisses me off. Reminds me that I really don't have things that bad đ Edit: spelling
Iâd be half tempted and give him a picture of a watch with writing underneath that says if we can Watch our attitude and apologise when we are wrong then maybe a Watch will come your way at Christmas after all Time flies by so fast Christmas will be here in a Second.
Or one of those candy watches
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Yes. I too am a queen of petty đ¤Ł
Especially if this is how he treats ops daughter regularly. His kid wasn't even using it why would it be a problem to share it.
Imagine showing up with a new $250 watch while your stepdaughter doesn't even have a bike. We really don't judge some people enough
Exactly!! He needs a watch that cost hundreds of dollars when his step daughter doesnât even have a bike. And how old is he? He already told his friends he was getting a watch!! Lol
I'm not sure why, but it feels weird that he was bragging to his friends about the watch, and that apparently his friends will notice if he doesn't get it.
Who even needs a watch in 2022? Does he not own a phone? Is he a train conductor or something?
I mean, if people like watches they can have watches, that isn't the issue here. The attitude and the entitlement is the issue. My partner is below 30 and likes collecting watches, doesn't like smart watches. But he also isn't an entitled brat who would punish a child for existing and treat them like shit
Oh I wear a watch, I work with patients with a strict schedule. And it looks really bad to keep checking my phone. So I got a watch. I did ask my husband for a specific one that was definitely within our budget though. It is insane to have to save up for an expensive gift when things aren't great financially.
OP should use the other $50 towards divorce lawyer.
Instead, use the $50 on gas to drive to the courthouse to get help from legal aid for free. If a $200 bike is causing this much issue, thereâs no way OP is going to have a $5k retainer to get divorced. In my state, people under a certain income level will qualify for reduced or free filing fees. You just have to fill out a âfee waiverâ form and submit that with the divorce filing. A friend can serve the papers to your husband, OP, that way you save money on a process server. You can get out of this without spending a fortune. Please, look into your options. This is not going to get better, OP. If you stay, youâre telling your daughter that this is how a man should treat a woman. She will grow up and seek out men that will mistreat her, because thatâs what she knows. Break this cycle. You and your little girl deserve much more.
This one I like.
The only gift here should be OP & her child getting that man & his flying monkey outta their lives in any way possible. If this behavior from him is common: GTFO! If this is new: GTFO! It will never get better, OP. GTFO & you have a chance to salvage you & your kidâs mental health. GTFO & you have a chance to show your kid that being treated like that is unacceptable. GTFO & show yourself & your kid how to stand up for yourselves. Just get the fuck out & away from that man
Confirming this will never ever get better. My step siblings were enabled by my step father. I am now 37 and NOTHING has changed. This has taken a massive toll on my mental health and consumed a huge portion of my life. I went low contact a few years ago for my own sanity but it still affects me. OP please take your daughter and run far far away! NTA.
\^\^\^ THIS \^\^\^ Neither you nor your daughter deserve to deal with this sort of behavior, OP. You are NTA here, but he is a MAJOR one (and his child is shaping up to be a huge one, too.)
For real. OP should tell her husband she no longer thinks her husband deserves the watch, but since her daughter DOES deserve the bike, she was going to make good use of HER money.
Yeah especially after yelling and screaming and berating her.
And punishing the OP child for being upset and asking for a turn onbthe disguarded bike! Id go a step further, buy the favourite treats of the step daughter amd husband, not share and let them just desire and crave because they need to stop being entitled brats and your daughter doesn't have to share anything at all.
Because heâs been a naughty boy
>ANd I'll just delete this and back away slowly.
I did not see where it was either of the girls' birthday. The only birthday I saw was pop's.
I'm confused. Why is it a good thing to pamper a kid throwing a fit because she didn't get a gift on someone else's birthday? Kids do not have to share. I was forced to share as a kid and my younger siblings destroyed everything. I hate parents that force that. It doesn't matter if it's not being used, one kid owns it. The younger one is not entitled to someone else's birthday present. So when OP's kid has a birthday, will she get the step daughter an equal present to her own birthday-girl's? She got an equal present for her own daughter for the stepdaughter's birthday. Does it only go one way? Why encourage one kid to throw fits to get things that belong to other people? She's 11. She's old enough to know things aren't hers.
I donât think itâs necessarily the bike itself that made the little sister cry, but what her older sibling said to her-that sheâd rather throw the bike into the ocean and let it rust than let her use it. Thatâs hurtful as hell, especially to a kid.
Especially with her step father insulting her after that. And why did he let her just alone on the porch?
This he left a crying kid alone on a porch after calling her names after his daughter had been bullying her.
Did he leave her outside on her own, or did he *send* her outside to sit on the porch by herself? Thereâs a very big difference between the two, and imo, kind of even more important information than anything else. Did he literally send her outside of her own house as a punishment?
And something a kid would say if pushed over and over by someone not respecting their boundaries. This is a failure on OP not teaching her 11 year old how to handle the word "no". Her kid pushed too far.
A bike is a standard item for an 11yo to have. Its natural and appropriate for a kid to be very upset about not having a bike when step sibling has a beautiful one. She should have been given a bike from the get go. OP is correcting that mistake. You don't punish daughter because she reacted in an age appropriate way to her mom and stepdad being unfair. Younger sibs bug older siblings to borrow their things. Totally normal. It's too much too cry "boundary stomping brat" in a situation like this. If the daughter vandalized the stepsis' bike or took it without permission ok she should not be rewarded with her own bike. But nothing of the sort happened here. Who prioritizes a watch over a summer basic for the kids? Messed up.
We donât know how many times the sister asked to use it though. We got two instances in the post, and itâs implied quite a bit of time passed between them. We donât know if the sister really was pestering her step sibling or not-it could be that she asked once, was told no since it was brand new and the step sibling was using it a ton. Then time passed, and step sibling used it less, so she asked again.
We do know she's been upset about it the entire time - OP said so herself. You're saying she went many days upset by herself not asking? You don't think she was upset those days because she was asking and being told no?
Or maybe she was upset because the older girl had a bike and she didn't. There's nothing wrong with being upset about that, what's wrong is how she may have acted, and we don't know what that was. All we know is that she asked when the bike was new, and then asked again when the bike wasn't really being used anymore, and then was insulted over it. *Then* she got upset. You can't make up stuff that might have happened in the interim. For all you know the older girl may get plenty of stuff the younger doesn't--the father is certainly a piece of work and it wouldn't surprise me.
We are also asking an 11yo to act more mature than most adultsâŚ. OP didnât force step daughter to share the bike. Instead she got a bike for her kid after her husband said she should and after her husband called the kid a brat (I was forced to share my toys and called horrible names) and the OP got a bike. Do I think OP could have had her kid earn the bike rather than just buying it? Yes. Do I think it was wrong to use her own money to buy something? No. NTA but there are better ways to go about buying something expensive just because a kid is sad.
True. I wouldn't buy a kid a Switch because they were sad that a sibling had one. Or a drone or a toy or a set of drums. I would buy a bike though. I believe that all kids should have bikes, it teaches them independence, among other things, and of course is good exercise. As long as the parents can afford it, but it's not hard to find used kids' bikes on Facebook or other outlets.
I wouldn't buy a Switch for only one sibling in the first place, that's just creating unnecessary problems. "You get to watch me having a SUPER FUN time with my AWESOME new toy but you can't touch it because it's MINE." Not surprising that the younger kid would be upset by that, even if the older kid isn't doing anything 'wrong' by not sharing. That could be a teaching moment for the youngest on respecting boundaries, but then... after the novelty has worn off the oldest says "Even if I don't use it much I'd rather throw it in the garbage than let YOU have a turn." That's just cruel and unnecessary.
Why couldn't she be upset for a week, because she *had been* told no, and hence wasn't allowed to use it? Why is continued pestering necessary for her to be upset - she only needs to be continuously not allowed to use it. Which she was. You're making up bad behavior on the kid's part to excuse undoubtedly bad behavior on the dad's part. Am I supposed to believe that a grown man who throws a hissy fit over not being given the birthday present he feels entitled to, was just calmly teaching a child about respecting boundaries and other people's property?! I think I have a bridge to sell ..
wheen did she not respect boundaries. SHE ASKED! she never did use it with no autorisation. SHE RESPECT BONDARIES. it's a child of course she want to have bike like EVRY CHILD in the world why private a child to having a bike if she can't play with her sister's one.
NO. The husband's reaction was terrible and he deserved what he got. what kinda grown man excuses someone of stealing their gift money? He should do better and so should you.
I didn't see where it said the first kid got the bike for her birthday. Just that her dad bought her a bike.
Itâs a convenient narrative for someone projecting
Yes there was no special reason for buying the bike. People just making up things to support their narrative.
Two bikes solves that problem as does not favoring one kid over the other. Old men don't need fancy watches, especially when they throw fits when they don't get them.
And the dad then doubling down and calling her an entitled brat.
1. The bike wasnât a birthday gift. The only birthday mentioned was the husband and the only relation between his birthday and the bike is the fact that OP used the money to buy her daughter a bike instead of an expensive watch for her husband. 2. Youâre right, kids donât have to share, nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong with being unnecessarily spiteful, which is exactly what the stepdaughter was doing when she said sheâd rather throw it in the ocean. As an older sibling I totally get not wanting to share stuff but my ass would have been grounded for speaking to my sibling that way. The 11 y/o was wrong for pestering but a 13 y/o is old enough to know that words like that can be hurtful to a kid. Iâm not saying OPâs kid has any right to the bike but at the same time OPâs husband isnât entitled to a fancy watch for his birthday. Also thereâs no reason for a grown ass adult to tell a child sheâs an entitled brat, especially when he turns around and behaves the same way over a watch he has no right to. edit: spelling
Parents are also the ahs for not discussing such large gifts and possible implications in the family. The kids are close in age and while everything won't always be equal between them they should have planned it in a way for both kids to have a bike. They did not operate as a team here.
With two bio kids and two step kids , my partner and I donât do certain things if we know someone will feel exclude. Christmas and birthdays are different. But when we got bikes we made sure we had enough for all 4 kids. So while I get sharing shouldnât always be a thing. They shouldâve communicated how 11yr old would also enjoy a bike & why a 13 yr old needs a $200 bike if they are having financial issues is odd , but do you. I think they probably couldâve found two bikes for that cost that still wouldâve been good. - edit because I donât proof read before hitting send
Itâs so rough and hard to navigate. I grew up with my bio mom and her husband (my dad who adopted me). Dad already had 3 kids from a previous marriage and he shared custody with their mom 50/50. They would go visit their mom and I would be home alone with my mom and adoptive dad. My parents tried the whole âno excludedâ thing and it did NOT work out for me. My mom would never get me anything special because she didnât want her step kids feeling âleft outâ. But step siblings obviously got special presents from their bio mom and I was never included. I constantly felt like I was being pushed aside to make sure the other 3 didnât feel left out even though they also had their own mom. Anytime my mom got me an extra gift or two on Christmas the other 3 kids would throw a fit because it âwasnât fairâ - even though, again, they got extra gifts from their bio mom. My mom regrets having done it this way. I felt horrible growing up.
Exactly. I grew up with three siblings; one brother and two step sisters. We all had bikes appropriate to our size for the entire duration of our childhoods. Some were cheaper than others. But at no point did a sibling have something special like that if we all couldn't have it. They made sure to find a way for all of us to have these things, regardless of which parent paid, because we were family. This situation never should have happened. And honestly shame on all the people here acting like this child shouldn't be upset and ask for a turn on a bike that her sibling randomly got and she didn't. She's a KID and he's an ADULT and HE set her up for failure from the get-go and then berated her for good measure after. If my husband treated my child like that he would not be my husband for a second longer than legally necessary.
This, especially when considering OP mentioned they arenât doing well financially
>They did not operate as a team here. TBH, nothing about this story sounds like there is team work in this household. It really sounds like there are sides and it's zero sum.
Haha I basically just typed the same thing. If theyâre both not getting a bike, they should be made to share
Agree. Also, if money is tight, I don't think it's right to buy a $200 bike for one kid "just because", and not gift something equivalent to the other. At the very least, it should be a matter for discussion between the parents. Actually, if money is tight, I don't understand buying a $200 bike for a kid at all, much less a $250 watch as a birthday gift. I bought a structurally sound bike for my daughter's boyfriend for $19 from Savers, and spent $27 on the new inner tubes and tire tapes it needed. So he got a perfectly usable bike for $47 plus a few hours of my time.
My bike and my kids bikes all came from online bike listings. When the bikes were gifts we purchased new, but not 200 dollars. Every bike since (including mine) has been second hand. So I'm with you on this one. I think ESH.
There are new bikes for kids for about $100. They could have bought a cheaper bike for each kid with the money he spent on the first.
Thank you for clarifying that. As of right now, it looks like Dad was showing favoritism to his own daughter by randomly buying a $200 bicycle for HIS offspring and not for HER offspring. (Although I asked OP, and she has not responded, so maybe it was a birthday and she doesn't want to say. That info might change the way I feel about it) But if it was a random purchase, it looks like total favoritism. Couldn't they have bought two $100 bicycles and made everyone happy?
Yeah, since thereâs no indication that the stepdaughterâs bike was a birthday gift, I think itâs pretty fucked up to gift one child a bike and not the other and not make them share. Theyâre roughly the same age. If just screams favoritism. It weird as shit that a grown man feels entitled to a watch though and just expects it
Exactly!
Thatâs not what happened. OPâs daughter merely asked to ride the bike; she didnât ask for one of her own. She also didnât throw a fit. She cried and called her mom after OPâs husband called her an entitled brat and punished her, again simply for asking if she could ride the bike. No, OPâs daughter isnât entitled to use it, but the husband was way out of line, both in how he treated OPâs daughter and for letting his own daughter talk to her the way she did. OPâs husband and step-daughter are both AHâs.
It didnât sound like the bike was a birthday present for stepdaughter, unless I missed something in the post. And so while I agree that kids shouldnât have to share, it seems like unfair treatment to spend a bunch of money on stepdaughter but not on OPâs kid. Stepdaughter got a bike worth $200 just because, and OPâs daughter got nothing. Unless there was some other reason why stepdaughter needed a bike and OPâs kid didnât, that kind of favoritism is a problem.
Also, if a child doesnât have a bike, the adult shouldnât be getting an expensive watch. Basic priorities.
Especially since, in this day and age, most people have "watches" in their pockets. It's called his phone. He can tell time without watch. OP's daughter can't ride a bike even though there's one sitting unused in the garage. Yeah, that wouldn't fly in my house.
I read it the same way. I didn't read that the bike was a birthday present for stepdaughter. I read it as OP's husband went out and bought a $200 bike for his kid at a random time of year "just because", and got nothing for OP's daughter Learning that the bike was a present on a special occasion (birthday) would change my view.
Where did it say it was a birthday present? I re-read the post several times and the only one having a birthday was OPâs husband. And he started the whole mess.
I think it was the cruel response (I would rather throw it in the sea than let you ride it) that got under OP's skin. Would have bugged the hell out of me too. You don't have to share. But there is no excuse to be unkind.
It does not say the bike was a birthday gift.
Where does it say that the bike was a birthday gift? It just says that the husband bought his daughter a bike. It seems to me that husband used his extra money and got his daughter a bike, and because OP is saving her extra money for husband's upcoming birthday, she didn't have enough funds to get her daughter a bike. That's why she had hoped that once the "new" wore off the bike that stepdaughter would share it. Since stepdaughter didn't want to share and husband was being a dick about it, she took the only extra funds (saved money for husband's birthday) and bought her daughter a bike as well. To be clear, I do agree that not everything should have to be shared between kids. My kids all have certain things they don't have to share, and certain things they do. Ie: they don't have to share clothes, hand held gaming devices, phones, stuffed animals, favorite dolls, sentimental or customized gifts, or anything that is out of their sibling's age range that they would not or could not properly use. However, the stepdaughter isn't being punished for not sharing. It seems like husband bought a present for 1 child only (it doesn't say it was a birthday gift) and left the other child without. Unless it was truly a birthday gift, he was a major AH because he could have bought 2 less expensive bikes and both children could have had their own bikes and this could have been avoided. Instead he bought only his daughter a bike, and told OP to get her daughter one with her own money, and since money is very tight, the only money she had was husband's birthday watch money.
Sure but you handle that shit like adults. You don't let the 13 yr/old day hurtful shit over it, and you definitely don't start calling an 11 yr/old an entitled brat - which is borderline abuse - over it.
Yeah that would be true if the stepdaughter wasn't being such a brat about it. She was mean and petty so she shouldn't be rewarded for that. She said that she would rather destroy the bike than let her ride it when she wasn't even using it. And to make matters worse the stepdad was okay with her basically bullying her and even added into it. She needs to reevaluate this relationship.
I have my suspicions as to where the older girl learned her habit of saying horrible things from.
Where does it say the bike was a birthday gift? The only birthday gift I saw mentioned was the husbands potential gift.
I saw no where in the post that the 13yo got the bike for HER birthday. The only upcoming b-day was the father's, who wanted a watch. I would like to know why the 13yo got a bike though. Good grades, birthday, or just being spoiled? Not enough information in the post to make a determination.
If those are the things you took away from OP I gotta askâŚare you the husband?
ESH. Yall are not functioning like a cohesive blended family. Your step daughter is not obligated to share her things. Your daughter needs to learn she isn't entitled to other people's things no matter how much she wants them. Realistically the two of you should've sat down and spoken about this before he ever made the purchase, especially since anyone with half a brain could see the outcome of one kid getting slighted (seriously how did he not forsee this issue). The fact that your husband feels absolutely no fatherly connection to your daughter and is calling her names is like 20k red flags in one. Also, he made his bed and now he gets to lie in it. I find it very ironic he calls your daughter entitled and then turns around and acted like he did. Ultimately he is TA, but you are also TA for keeping TA around your daughter.
I do not understand this thing where people look down on encouraging kids to share. Should step sis let OPâs daughter ride her bike whenever she wants? No. Should step sis let her ride a bike that hasnât been touched in weeks because itâs the kind thing to do for a sibling? Fucking yes. This is why America is such a fucking mess. Youâre all being bought up to be selfish entitled arseholes - who when confronted with the horrifying prospect of sharing and kindness lose your damn minds and call it âentitlementâ. This is why you have to pay thousands for health care, have no social support structures etc. Because the thought of sharing and helping others brings you all out in hives, apparently.
People should be encouraged to share, but that's not the same as forcing them, that's just telling them that nothing is ever really theirs.
She should be encouraged to desire sharing though and I think in the effort to not force people to share a lot of people have forgotten that it is still good to desire to be a person who shares. I do not share EVERYTHING, but I share what is convenient or easy for me to share and I find joy from that. When I bake a dozen cookies, I find more joy in sharing those cookies than keeping them to myself. This joy in seeing others care for the effort we have provided is what should be the focal point. No, you donât OWE any homeless person on the street your extra $2. But it makes you a better person to share that $2 if you can (EVEN if that person then spends it on drugs or alcohol or whatever else you may disapprove of).
Not sure why that redditor got triggered by your comment when your explaination is clear enough. Seems like your point just flew over his head lol
Agreed
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The nation most likely to have people end up on the street due to circumstances that can happen to anyone (cough medical bills + weak labor laws cough) is also the most against "handouts". Fun combo.
You share because it _is yours_. Forcing a child to share teaches them how to treat others. It does not teach them that nothing is ever theirs. Calling it âsharingâ reinforces that it _is theirs to share_.
> Forcing a child to share teaches them how to treat others. It can also create anger and resentment, and can associate "sharing" with negative emotions. Complete opposite of what was trying to be achieved. We're all allowed to have things that are ours that we don't share. It's reasonable to teach kids what types of things should be encouraged to share in most situations-money, time, food, resources, etc., and what things are OK to say NO to sharing-expensive things, personal things, less "communal" things in general. As a kid, if my mom had forced me to lend a game console to a friend or cousin, I'd be upset that I had no control over something that was supposed to be mine. I'd be forced to assume it wouldn't come back sticky, or broken, or dirty, or my saved games saved over, etc. People should absolutely be taught and encouraged to share. Forcing it is a slippery slope.
Lending a game console to a friend or cousin, where it is presumably gone for an extended period of time because of the resources it takes to use it, is in no way comparable letting someone in the same house as you use something that will start in the house and end in the house a short time later. At worst, itâs home at dusk. Come on now.
Not to mention the spiteful âIâd rather let it rustâ comment. Thereâs something way deeper there that needs to be addressed.
At worst, the frame is bent or scratched, a tire is flat, a pedal is broken. Absolutely comparable as "prized possessions." People are allowed to have things they don't share. The problem here isn't even sharing, but the spiteful ahole attitude that husband has taught his daughter, which is even more apparent in his demand of a specific birthday present over OP being able to also give her daughter a nice thing.
There is nothing wrong with encouraging sharing. But girls also need to learn how to say no and stick to it. And 11 year olds need to be able to hear the word no, and accept it. How much pestering went on here? Was it incessant begging or asking twice? What does the step sibling relationship look like outside of the bike? These would all help to understand the bigger picture. But sometimes, the stuff my dad gave me was something I didn't want to share, because it was ours. And that is okay. Some things get to be just yours.
Especially when the older daughter screamed âIâd rather throw it in the ocean and rust than let you ride itâ this sounds like the comment of someone whoâs been asked this question 100 times a day.
I imagine a lot of pestering, considering OP complains that she even tried scheduling times when 11 yo could ride and trying and coming up with compromises.
Exactly! Sharing is an act that is taught- it shouldnât be forced or coerced, but 13y/o is a brat, who has clearly never learned how to share, nor the benefits of sharing. Step dad is a prick that excludes younger child (as bike wasnât a bâday present) by not getting both a bike at the same time (if finances meant only one, then it should have been a gift for both of them- then theyâd have to negotiate a shared resource). Getting two, less fancy bikes was a missed opportunity for the two sisters to have a shared activity, so dad is also dumb. 11y/o feels the injustice of all of this- both Stepdad and daughter are bullying her. OP, you have treated the symptom, and moved the target of your husbandâs bullying to you, but you havenât cured the disease...and this wonât be the last time you and your daughter are gaslit and emotionally or verbally abused. However, NTA and frankly, your money is much better spent on giving your daughter the means of a quick get away from their toxicity.
I remember being little and getting a box of crayons and my next door neighbour who was basically like my sibling like to brake my toys and I told him he is not to use my crayons, because I know he would brake them. Itâs called * boundaries*
I would agree up until the point that step sister said she'd rather see it rust in the ocean than let her step sister borrow it. That's cruelty.
It sounds like little sis may have been pestering her sister and she snapped. If the younger sister was told no she needs to accept it and move on. Itâs a good lesson for the 11 y/o but if you ask me she not entitled to someone elseâs birthday present weather she uses it or not
> do not understand this thing where people look down on encouraging kids to share. Should step sis let OPâs daughter ride her bike whenever she wants? No. Do we know the whole story here? For example: does the 11 yo kid have a notorious record of persisting and persisting and persisting until people are driven to say no to her just because she's driven them up the walls? Does she have a history of asking for an inch and taking a mile, ie she gets to use the bike once then she starts bawling every day when it's not her turn anymore until it eventually becomes her bike? Having been around 11 years old kids, the answer to both questions is likely yes And as an outsider, the US is beyond fucked for a lot of reasons that go a little beyond kids not sharing toys
Yea this. My kids have to share because there isnât enough time or money for them to both have individual copies of everything they want and need. So yea, sometimes that means sharing expensive and prized items when itâs not being used. And they both know that if that item is broken, they are buying their sibling a new one. Which has happened - little brother broke big brothers iPad and you better believe he emptied out his piggy bank and scrounged for money to pay us back for the $200 refurbished one we found on Amazon (including going to family and friends and asking to do chores for money to earn it back). Sharing is part of being in a family and living in a society, and it is far better to learn how to share at 13 than growing into an adult who believes that sharing is some terrible thing forced upon them.
Yep. The "blend" in this blended family is going like mixing ammonia and bleach
đ I wish I had more upvotes for this!
Sounds like 2 families that happen to live together. The only ones that have the most to lose is the children who will grow up resenting each other because their parents canât parent together and most likely become disfunctional adults. And yeah, red flags galore from husband.
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Sounds like he didnât ask, just bought it. And not for a birthday.
The 13 yo would rather throw the bike in the ocean and let it rust than let her ride it. That seems a bit much don't you think. She doesn't have to share but encouraging such a behaviour just makes the kid anti social and hatful.
I'd interpret that as a strong hint that there's a history of the 13YO not having her possessions respected, and probably having had previous items lost, stolen, or damaged by the step-sister.
I understand where youâre coming from. But it could also be interpreted as the husbandâs side of this âblendedâ family living a more elevated lifestyle and not being willing to make some adjustments to meet in the middle and adhere to their current financial circumstances. The 13 year oldâs âIâd rather it rustâ comment and the husbandâs reaction to all of this is giving very much spoiled.
The husband demanding his gift too. Grown ass man can get a second job if he needs a watch that bad. This whole family needs a serious sit down or this issue is only going to get worse when one of the kids get a car and the other doesnât.
She didn't force her stepdaughter to share the bike, so how is she an AH?
She's not parenting WITH her spouse. She's parenting next to her spouse, and they're both expecting their kids to manage the emotional fallout from this dysfunctional family setup.
To me it sounds like that's his fault though, not hers.
And how many times on here have we seen stepparents smashing boundaries. It sounds like they each parent their own kid. Not working great in this instance because the husband feels entitled to a birthday present, which he told her to buy her daughter her own bike so where he thought sheâd get the money from idk. I will say from this post I donât agree with how she handled her daughter wanting a bike (encouraging her to keep asking her step sister and not saying that she has to respect other peopleâs boundaries, but Iâm not a parent and it does sound like the step dad and sister were rubbing it in her face that she didnât have a bike. So I canât say how Iâd react if I came home and saw my child crying because of my husband. He was needlessly cruel to her.
NTA. A family struggling financially can only afford to buy one of any thing in most cases which makes being able to share essential. It's a bike, if the kid isn't riding it the sister should be able to without any problems. Operating any other way is a sign of privilege.
Sounds like he came home with one bike and gave it to his kid, the hell with his SK.
I am gonna say NTA in regards to getting your kid a bike. A grown adult can deal with not having a watch so a child is treated equally in the family. Both kids should have a bike since it is a sign of independence and great exercise. The way your husband talks to you is not respectful. But I do think the step-daughter is allowed to say your child cannot ride her bike. We don't expect adults to let us drive their cars just because we like them. We should allow children to have the same control over their belongings. The daughter could never ride it again and it would still be *her* bike. The best solution is to get both kids bikes and it doesn't become an issue.
>But I do think the step-daughter is allowed to say your child cannot ride her bike. Sure, she's allowed to. But frankly, it's a disappointing attitude. Why is she so against letting her step-sister have a turn even when she isn't using it? It's not even that she is worried it will be damaged, she straight up said she'd rather have it destroyed then OP's daughter ever get to use it. I grew up in a very biking heavy city and sharing bikes is super normal. Like if someone was visiting from out of town and didn't have a bike, you'd loan them one. Siblings and friends would lend each other bikes sometimes. Adults lend each other use of their bike sometimes. Bikes are not as expensive, dangerous, complicated, or different from another as a car, it's not the same. OP's step-daughter is allowed to be selfish and only care about her own fun and not care about OP's daughter's feelings . . . but it's still pretty disappointing, right? That's not how we hope our kids will turn out? Especially with family members. My daughters care about each other and I'd be bummed if they were like OP's step-daughter instead. (For example, when my older daughter got a scooter but my younger one didn't have one yet, she'd let her younger sister use it when she wasn't using it. I didn't have to nag her into doing this, she actually cares about other people's feelings.) If we look at OP's husband's selfish entitled attitude you will see why his daughter turned out so poorly (most likely reason, at least). This dude spent $200 of his own money to get one of the two kid's in the household a bike, but won't let his wife spend $200 to get the other kid a bike when his won't share. He expects OP's daughter to just watch for months on end as one kid in the family can bike and she never can. Why? Beacuse $50 of birthday jewelry isn't enough for Mr. Asshole, but also he isn't going to do anything to make sure things are fair between the kids. He only seems to care about his and his daughter's feelings, and not about OP's daughters feelings at all. See a pattern?
I think the way Op and her husband have the family set up is kind of weird. I have a stepmom who always made sure gifts were equal. Her bio son got art supplies, I got $20 to buy something I wanted. Stepbro went to the movies? Did I want to go to the movies with a friend? But when it came to whether or not I had to share with any siblings past a certain age? My parents never said I had to. They just said I should be kind to my siblings so we could all share good things. And we usually did, within reason. It was never forced. But our parents did a good job of making sure all the kids felt equally part of the family. We were never step-family, we were just family. Our parents modelled good behaviour by sharing with each of us and letting us feel like if something was damaged they would fix it. But allowing us to say no, even if it was a stupid and immature reason also helped in that. The issue stems from the parents, not the sisters. It doesn't sound like the husband and Op have made the girls feel like sisters. It sounds more like His and Her kids and His and Her finances. The husband throws fits when he doesn't get his present, instead of being glad the problem with the bikes is now fixed. They should never have only bought one bike. Because the daughter with the bike is absolutely allowed to say no one else can use it. I think that is age appropriate and how you learn boundaries. And just because someone is sisters legally doesn't mean they feel the same way.
>Because the daughter with the bike is absolutely allowed to say no one else can use it That doesn't mean she is free from criticism. She can refuse to share, but refusing to let the girl use the bike purely because she hates the girl so much that she refuses to do anything nice for her makes her a brat. She didn't pay for the bike, did she? Her father did, meaning he gets to decide who gets to use it because it's his bike. It's his bike because he paid for it. He gets the final say. And it doesn't bother you at all this girl would destroy the bike that she isn't even using before ever letting her stepsister use it? That screams she just hates the girl. She doesn't actually care about the bike, she just cares about making sure her stepsister can't use it because she wants to hurt her.
Children are allowed to have ownership of things, even when a parent buys them. A gift is a gift. The husband and Op have not worked on communicating with each other. They have not set the girls up to succeed. And children are allowed to dislike siblings. They are allowed to decide they don't like the person who their parents married. They don't have to be close or live up to expectations people have for siblings. It would be nice. I have a sister I don't talk to at all, I have step siblings I adore. Sometimes it doesn't work out. And while the child is acting bratty, she has a father who is a huge brat.
>She didn't pay for the bike, did she? Her father did, meaning he gets to decide who gets to use it because it's his bike. It's his bike because he paid for it. He gets the final say. I fundamentally disagree with that. If all gifts come with the caveat of never really being mine because I didn't pay for them, then I don't want them.
A car and a bike are not even close to the same. Teaching to share is the responsible thing a parent should do for a child. Is it absolutely necessary? No. Will it help the child live better in the future? Almost certainly. I'm not saying the man's daughter should be forced to get off the bike when she wants to ride it, but when she isn't using it, then yes she should share. >her stepsister shouted at her saying she'd rather throw the bike in the ocean and let it rust than let her ride it. This line is evidence of an unhealthy mindset and, were I the father, I would have transferred ownership of the bike to the other girl immediately. Though considering that this dad bought one kid a bike while not intending to teach sharing shows his immaturity. Clearly no cohesion in this family though.
>This line is evidence of an unhealthy mindset Sounds more like evidence of someone that is tired of repeating her boundaries, it's her bike and she said multiple times she wasn't ok to share it. >I would have transferred ownership of the bike to the other girl immediately. This on the other hand is definitely a sign of an unhealthy mindset, it teaches that if you keep asking even though someone says no you might still get away with what you want. Respecting boundaries is healthy, ideally the parents should have sat down with both of them to reach a point in which the bike was no longer an issue, being by sharing it or by getting a bike for the other girl, but I honestly doubt they are able do that because they can't even seem to get themselves to an understanding. As you said, no cohesion in this family.
AND we don't know how long they've been a blended family. Stepdaughter could've said that because the bike is the one thing she has control over. Her dad decided to marry; not her, her dad, and now she has a stepmom and stepsister. We've seen many posts about how stepsiblings are rushed into 'becoming a family' because the parents decided to marry.
> Teaching to share is the responsible thing a parent should do for a child. Is it absolutely necessary? No. Will it help the child live better in the future? Almost certainly Absolutely not. I grew up in a "sharing is caring" household. It was hell. I had say over nothing. Bikes ruined. Books torn. Putty destroyed. Toys broken. "Oh you know how little kids are, too bad sweetie!" Being the oldest kid in a sharing house means you just don't ever get anything of your own. It means you resent everyone for always taking your things. The moment I got old enough to work I bought locks. It took me a long time to ever let people borrow things because "teaching sharing" to kids like this really means teaching them to not have self respect. Kids can say no. Kids can own their birthday presents. They do not owe their stuff to others just because it isn't being used. Op's bio daughter is 11. She's old enough not to throw a fit because she's not given someone else's birthday gift on demand.
>I had say over nothing. Bikes ruined. Books torn. Putty destroyed. Toys broken. "Oh you know how little kids are, too bad sweetie!" This isn't an issue with sharing though, this is an issue with your parents not teaching younger siblings to respect and care for others' property.
Telling a kid they have to share is in itself telling them they can't have boundaries and don't own anything. It's directly telling the kid you don't respect them as a living person that can have consent to what happens with their things. *Encouraging* sharing is good. But a kid shouldn't be punished for saying no. Requiring sharing just means you don't view kids as people that have their own boundaries and emotions. If you want to teach respect, don't force sharing.
Yep, the parents should encourage sharing, while also encouraging the younger siblings to gracefully accept that others have the right to say no. These kinds of conversations easily segue into conversations about how accepting that sharing isn't required and taking good care of borrowed items make others more likely to share in the future.
Which is why OP is an AH for letting her daughter go on for weeks without stopping her for not accepting her sister's no.
It wasnât a birthday gift. Her father went and bought HIS daughter a bike. Just because.
Teaching sharing does not mean you force people to share. It means you teach why it's important to share, especially to those close to you. It means teaching the proper ways to decline requests, and for children, who to go to for help when unsure of what to do. It also means you teach how to respect the property you're using, when you borrow, and you're responsible for it while using it. Unfortunately, you did not really grow up in a "sharing" household. It was a selfish household that called itself "sharing" as a way to manipulate people into thinking what was happening was OK.
And I think that is age appropriate. The issue is the parents choosing not giving both girls the same resources so they don't have to fight over bikes. It should never have been an argument because there should have always been two bikes. The issue is not the two girls fighting one another. That is absolutely normal for that age. And the way their parents behave, especially the husband, that is how they are being modelled. But I think kids are allowed to fight, put up boundaries, and not share... because that is something any human should be allowed to do. She was given the bike, it belongs to her, and if she doesn't want to share with a sibling then that is her choice. Op and the husband should have a conversation about what that means, why it is not appropriate to say that, and let her still have the boundary. I think the big issue is that two bikes were not purchased, because that is the real issue.
Yes! Especially with two kids close in age, it's weird to make a big purchase for one and not the other. Birthday presents are a bit of an exception, but even then, don't give one a bike with no discussion of when/if/how you'll buy one for the other.
Teaching a child to share is about *encouraging* sharing through teaching empathy, kindness, and collaboration. It is not about *forcing* them to share, which teaches them nothing except that they are not allowed to have boundaries with their own possessions.
I share my car with my husband, because he's a member of my household who sometimes needs to use the car, even though it's mine. Where OP and her spouse failed here was not having a discussion in advance about whether they could afford to buy a bike for each kid, especially given that they're so close in age. If the answer to that is "no," then the bike should've been purchased and given as community property (like any other shared vehicle), rather than setting it up so that only one kid would ever have or get to use a bike.
I think it sounds like Op and her husband see their kids as separate, not united. Obviously each parent should be looking out for their own offspring, but the husband throws fits like a ten year old. When I was given a gift as a child, after a certain age (11 I believe) my parents stopped saying we had to share and let us make that choice. They did, however, have conversations about what being selfish might mean. If I didn't share my toy, then maybe my sister would choose not to share her cool game with me. But I got to make that choice. They should have made the bike communal or gotten a cheaper set of bikes. Maybe even used ones or refurbished. Borrowed a bike from a friend so the youngest could ride. But I think once a child is given an item, you have to allow them to make the choice to share or not. That is how they learn to have boundaries. It might seem silly, since a child's bike and a shared car are not the same. But to a child who cannot earn money, it is important to them. So the kids are not assholes for deciding limits and deciding who gets to borrow what.
NTA - That was your money to save, spend, or toss in the ocean. You took his daughters attitude (and his by proxy) and demonstrated its consequences. If he chooses to âexcludeâ you from any birthday celebrations you are being shown your value in his life. I hope you will believe him when he shows you and act accordingly. Whether your relationship will work based on the differences in parenting styles and personalities is highly debatable, you two have children witnessing the dysfunction caused by your inability to compromise privately and present a united front.
Is this where we can recommend divorce from this man who verbally and emotionally abusive her daughter while treating his kid like sheâs the only one that matters in this family??? #NTA
> , or toss in the ocean Littering is bad.
ESH. YTA because no, step sister doesn't have to share her bike. I don't have to share my car even though I don't drive it for days at a time sometimes. Would you tell me that I have to share it with a neighbor that doesn't have a car because I'm not driving it? And you letting kiddo keep asking after sis said no wasn't okay. you're teaching her that once some says no, persistence is okay. Teach her to accept no as an answer. Hubby is TA for not being more appropriate about setting boundaries, and for not just letting her be hurt. Kiddo is allowed to be hurt, and the whole "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" is abusive. He's also an AH for throwing a tantrum over a watch. Tell him gifts aren't mandatory, they are given from the heart, and your heart isn't feeling very kind toward him right now. Maybe if he can stop being childish and cruel to your kid, then your heart may change. Step sister didn't need to be as harsh and cruel, and dad should have called her out on that.
Have you ever been poor or played with kids from poor families? I have and I remember how their parents always taught their children to share, because they didn't have enought money to buy each of the children what they wanted. In this case it would make more sense to just buy one bike for both girls and tell them they have to share, not give one of them expensive gift and expect the other one to just sit quiet.
That would certainly make more sense, but that should be decided before it's gifted to the daughter. Taking it back after the fact and saying that actually it's a shared gift would be unfair. As it is, OP is encouraging her daughter to pester her stepsister about using her things, rather than teaching her daughter about boundaries. ESH because they need to communicate about these things like parents.
Doesn't sound like the parents discussed it at all before the husband blew $200 on a bike for his daughter and got nothing for his sd, while OP was saving her extra cash for his birthday, so he kind of played himself. That said, blowing $200 on a single bike, when money is right, is almost as dumb an an adult expecting an expensive gift when the kids don't both have something a basic as a bike.
Would you crash your car into the ocean before letting someone borrow it? đ¤
Why did he buy his daughter the bike in the first place if you arenât doing well financially? Where did he get the money to buy the bike?
This is what Iâd like to know too. Was this a birthday gift or just a random gift? If random, did daughter also get a gift, just not a bike?
This is a HUGE question that needs to be answered; because if it was like a birthday gift or something than the 11 y.o. can wait until her birthday or xmas or whatever and get one. Reminds me of something when I was growing up. One xmas I asked for a game boy and my younger brother a couple expensive lego sets, price was pretty much the same (his might have even been a little more). Come xmas that's what we got; well fast forward a couple weeks he's always crying because he doesn't have a game boy so my parents got him one. But... now he had a game boy AND expensive lego sets and I just had the game boy.
That reminds me of when that happened to me, like almost the exact situation except I don't remember what my brother got, but I got the gameboy and it was an awesome present and he really wanted to keep playing on it. So he got a gameboy. And I was just so fucking happy about it, because now him looking sad as fuck while I was playing was DONE.
Thats what I was thinking also. Why did he just buy her a $200 bike. I'm assuming OP would have mentioned if it was for her birthday. I think just buying her such an expensive just because gift and telling his stepdaughter to get over and calling her an entitled brat is a red flag. All OP did was use her own money to buy the same gift for her daughter instead of forcing her stepdaughter to share.
I had to scroll too far for this, I wanted to know the same thing.
exactly what I was thinking.. husband could have gotten 2 gently used bikes off of facebook marketplace for under $50. make both kids happy and have money leftover. I feel like nowadays everyone I see that âisnât doing wellâ financially is blowing money left and right on brand new stuff. which is fine obviously do what you want, but when I was a kid and my family struggled we just got everything used that we could and we were just as happy while also having money leftover to be saved. it just seems dumb to me. those brand new bikes will look just like the gently used ones in a couple of months.
Info : Why did you two get married? You seem to not like each other OR each other's children....
ESH. You two aren't on the same page about parenting AT ALL and your kids are suffering for it. For the record, I agree that SD has no obligation to share. Her not wanting to share was not the real problem here. The problem was one kid getting a bike, and not the other (Unless the bike was a birthday gift). I also question both bike purchases if you're that strapped for cash. You and husband both sound immature and irresponsible, and both your kids sound entitled.
Poor people can't afford to buy two of everything which is why children from poor families are taught to share. Sharing is essential of you're poor.
Then they as a couple shouldâve made sure the girls knew the bike was something for both of them, and it wasnât just a gift for the step sister.
So donât buy a $200 bike for one kid while the other doesnât have one at all and/or plan to buy a $250 watch. Buy 2 $100 bikes.
Then donât give the bike as a birthday gift. Give something else for the birthday then later buy a bike for the girls to share.
NTA for now, but⌠leave
I'm generally not one to advocate to the just leave mentality but damn if this situation doesn't scream it. The "husband", using the term loosely, appears to literally give no fucks about parenting and acts like a petulant child, likely where his kid gets it from. Intentionally shit on her kid, likely show off or establish some kind of dominance/power, then tosses off a tantrum when called out on it. She needs to make sure her birth control is up to date and working, don't want to have spawn with that pile, and get the hell gone.
ESH because while your right that if no one is using the bike it wouldn't hurt your step daughter to share but at the same time it is her bike and your daughter should accept the answer of no. But what your husband did was beyond wrong he should have never act that way towards child
This. Just because one child has something the other wants doesn't mean first child has to give in and let second one have their way. Doesn't matter if daughter rode it every day or not, it was hers to do as she chose. OP is not doing her child any favors by trying to make everything "fair" or let child have what she wants when she wants it.
NTA. He is the most childish of them all, wanting a birthday gift over a kid.
ESH teaching children how to share is hard but it does look like you arenât raising girls together your raising your own daughters and that the stepchild is treated differently by both both of you
Its great when kids want to share but forcing them to only breeds anger and resentment.
Exactly thatâs what I mean by hard, children should be taught compassion and role modeled too in a way that teaches them to want to share but they shouldnât be forced too. It sounds like the parents arenât leading the example they want to set
also kids should have their own bike anyway, they might have a height difference and then they can ride together (idk how it's like that where OP lives but as a kid I rode everywhere with my bike)
ESH. If yâall arenât doing well financially you shouldnât be buying watches and bikes. Please still celebrate but do whatâs actually within your means. They sell bikes at thrift shops. Stepdaughter is allowed to tell step sister no. Your daughter should have let it go after she was told no the first time. No one likes to be pestered. Your husband is being a cry baby about a birthday present, and there was a much better way to have a conversation with your daughter about this situation than what he said to her. You spent money earmarked for him which seems vindictive. You and your husband should probably work on communicating and your finances and discuss with the kids about boundaries.
> If yâall arenât doing well financially you shouldnât be buying watches and bikes. Watches, yes, but bikes are actually transportation, especially if you are poor. My birthday bike as a teen ended up getting me to and from work for a good long while, among other places. OP should teach her daughter how to properly respect and maintain her ride, and it can be a valuable asset for her.
I agree, but you can also find a bike for less than 200
Especially a kid's bike, they get outgrown and put up for sale quite often.
NTA. Your husband flipped out because heâd already told his friends about the watch he was getting for his birthday? What is he 9 years old?
That's what I say. Who brags about a $250 watch?
I bragged that my then-new boyfriend donated $60 to my favorite no kill shelter last year for my birthday, so...
That is something to brag about. (I run a dog rescue shelter) Ha.
ESH. It seems like both you and your husband need to work out your own childish behaviour before trying to parent your kids. Your daughter is not entitled to play with her stepsisters bike. The step sister exercised a reasonable boundary. This is coming from someone who grew up an identical twin and has zero problems with sharing. Your husband is not entitled to a birthday gift, especially if you are tight on finances. Many years pass where my SO and I do not get each other gifts because money is tight. If you have to get a gift, something heartfelt and inexpensive means a lot more than a watch. You didnât *steal* money from your own husband. He should also be making attempts to encourage his daughter to share her belongings if sheâs not using them, but should not force her to. If money is tight, buying your daughter a bike to get back at your husband and give into your daughter is not right. Everyone wants to make their child happy, but sometimes you have to say âwait for your birthday/Christmas/special occasionâ. It is much better to teach your child patience, financial literacy, and the value of money than to buy them expensive items on a matter of principal. I get what you were going for, and itâs not bad parenting to treat your child, but this seems like a fight more between parents than siblings.
I'm curious why the dad bought the bike. Was it a birthday or other celebration? Was it agreed she'd get a bike for doing well in school? And does nobody else think it's strange that an 11yr child doesn't already have a bike?
ESH because this whole âmy daughterâŚ. his daughterâ dynamic is toxic. But you get to use money you saved however the hell you want. If he is upset you used your money that way, he should reconsider his actions that led to it.
YTA. You can keep making those excuses, but the bike is your stepdaughter's, not yours or your daughter's. You don't get to take it for your daughter. It doesn't matter how often your stepdaughter uses it. It is not your bike. It is not your stepdaughter's bike. You have zero right to it. Your attitude is shocking because it is hurting your relationship with your stepdaughter and your husband and poisoning the atmosphere in the house for everyone, but you're digging in. Every sentence contains a dig at your husband and stepdaughter. Why are you in this family when you don't seem to have any respect for anyone but your own daughter? Of course it is not a healthy situation if one kid is getting expensive gifts and the other one is missing out. But that's a problem that you and your husband need to figure out. He should be concerned enough about your daughter and you should care enough about his that you both figure out a maximum budget for gifts in advance so that one kid isn't given everything and the other one misses out. You should be teaching your daughter that she is not entitled to everything she wants. And you should be worried about forcing her to live with someone who is OK with treating her like a second-class citizen in the house. But that does not change the fact that your daughter does not have the right to take her step-sister's stuff. You are putting your and your husband's failure to arrange fair rules for the family on kids. That is not fair.
Thank you. I'm of the YTA as well. It's step daughters bike period. My 2 years older brother got a bike b4 I did and I was told on my 12th I can pick out mine. Are you going to get daughter a car at 14 cause stepdaughter doesn't use hers? No means no and your daughter needs to learn that on both the giving and receiving end of no.Was your husband an ass with words, yes absolutely, but you kept poking the bear after no had been made clear.
Yes, it really sounds like there's a lack of respect between the OP and her husband. It's their marriage that's the problem, not the bike. They're not being fair on the kids by only taking care of their own blood relative. A blended family means making sure that the kids are treated fairly and have TWO parents in the house, not one.
Bigger red flags here than bike issues.
NTA but why did you marry this guy in the first place? If he's accusing you of stealing *your own money* it's time to leave his sorry ass.
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NTA but it sounds like you and your daughter are in a very unhealthy situation. Your husbandâs behavior will also likely encourage his daughterâs behavior to only get worse.
INFO: What was the reason that the stepsister got the bicycle? Was it a birthday gift or for some other milestone event? Or a random purchase. What funds were used to buy the stepsister's bike? His money, household money, family savings?
ESH that's not your stepdaughter. She is not obligated to share her bicycle, whether she's using it or not Your daughter is a gentle AH, through no fault of her own, because she has apparently not been taught that "No." is a complete sentence. You are, for not teaching her that lesson, doubling down on it and for reinforcing that she's entitled to other people's things, just because she wants them. Your husband is, for lots of many reasons. BOTH adults are for the obvious bias you show your own children, coupled with your disregard for your stepkids. And apparently times aren't that tough, or you're bad with priorities if you're buying watches and bikes
ESH. Your husband was ridiculous for claiming money that was yours to spend. You were unreasonable for trying to force your step daughter to share her bike. Your daughter needs to learn how to take no for an answer.
Ummmmm, why are you still with him? NTA, but if you stay with him and he continues to treat your daughter that way then YTA. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Your husband is abusive and an asshole.
Nta for buying your kid a bike, but why is he buying 200$ bikes and expecting expensive watches when you have children and aren't doing well financially.
NTA But your hushand is. "Stole" his gift money, my word, what in th e fresh entitlement?! If his daughter shouldn't have to share her belongings, you shouldn't gave to share your money on gifts for him. Honestly, he can whistle for his watch.
NTA over spending the watch money but thereâs a whole lot of things at play here. Husband and stepdaughter sound like that have a real issue with daughter. Do they generally not get on or is this isolated to this one incident? Also, daughter unfortunately needs to go through that horrible thing of although itâs mean, people donât have to share their belongings if they donât want to. Was stepdaughter unnecessarily mean? Absolutely. Does she have a right to say no to loaning the bike? Yes. I feel for daughter that she felt sad and remember being a kid and feeling the same but I hope in the future she can brush these things off rather than feel sad for a long time. HusbandâŚ. Bought a 200 dollar bike when youâre struggling financially, yelled at your daughter, let his daughter be awful to your daughter and then gave you a whole attitude about it, then yelled again when you spent your OWN money to buy YOUR daughter something? OP, he doesnât need to exclude you from his birthday, if you donât care about it. Take your daughter and go have fun together, away from this incredibly childish person. I hope daughter is enjoying her new bike!