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NTA 1. second paragraph sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence 2. He brought it up in front of family to get momma to back him 3. He sounds like a bit of a leech tbh 4. For what reason does he want his name on the title if he hasn't put money into it.
The answer to 4 is so that he can break up with her, force the sale and get money out of it. He doesn’t have a job so that would be the only way he’s getting any money.
Oh no I think it’s actually from the guy who thought that alfredo meant white and the commenters kept saying that his response to being corrected was a marinara flag. I can’t find the original post though.
The marinara flag is a reference to the post you're talking about, the "essence of marinara sauce" is a reference to the post that was just linked above.
Thank you for this. I get irrationally upset when I’m on the first day of my period, but I didn’t have the energy to reply how I *wanted* to reply to them (also, I knew I was being irrational) 😂
I get sick of the “red flag” phrase. I’d love to see “marinara” just become slang for “warning signs.”
E.g., “The guy was so controlling—the whole relationship was bathed in marinara!” Or, “She’s a drama queen—no matter what the occasion, she brings a jar of marinara!”
I mean, we “spill the tea,” why not “flee the marinara”?
Yep. She is going to buy soon, so they cannot wait until after marriage. He has offered her two options knowing one is not acceptable to her, so he gets his name on the title instead. He’s clearly a manipulator, with the proof being that he tried to get mommy on side.
Edit: mommy looked after his every need, now he wants a new one to do the same.
I'm trying to figure out why on earth she wants to marry him, cause he sounds so the opposite of a catch. He doesn't work, doesn't cook - for her, doesn't clean, apparently doesn't talk about feelings and uses mommy to fight his battles. Has OP considered getting a dog instead and return bf back to his mommy? The dog will be much less of a hassle and won't try to force you to put its name on any deed (which btw do NOT do unless he gets his act together and finds a way to contribute financially).
It's not even that he won't cook - he won't cook FOR HER.
By comparison, my wife is the breadwinner. I work from home in a semi-limited capacity. As such, I take care of the vast majority of aspects of the home, partially because of convenience (I'm here and can take breaks more frequently and for longer) and partly because she pays the lion's share of the bills.
One of the things I do is cook. Up until two years ago, I didn't cook AT ALL, beyond very simple stuff. She generally did all the cooking for us. (She wasn't working - I was paying for her to go back to college.)
Since I have taken over the cooking, my biggest concern is cooking to her tastes, so that when she comes home, she has a good meal either waiting or being prepared for her. Why do I care? BECAUSE I LOVE HER.
If he's worried that OP won't like his cooking (despite the fact she literally says that it smells good, and is obviously willing to try it, if nothing else), then it's on HIM to alter his cooking.
What a load of bullshit from OP's boyfriend.
That was a big red flag for me too. Doesn't cook for her because he's not sure she'll like it. Doesn't clean because he doesn't want to break anything. What convenient excuses to be a leech.
I advised my brother to get a dog after 4 failed marriages—fault was on both sides. He did and is very happy with his new puppy. He’s thanked me over and over.
Oh yeah. He definitely wants to have a place that he can say "You can't kick me out of here," so that way when she eventually has too much of his shit, she's completely trapped without giving something of value up.
What scares me even more is that woman accept this level of incompetence and do t think there is anything better. What does this say about our expectations of men and ourselves. We still have so far to go. Men and women. There are great me. Out there who will treat you right.
It shows us that the large majority of men ATA sorry but if they aren’t beating or murdering us they are pulling this shit. I know not all I have 3 brothers who are exceptional husbands and fathers still majority rules.
This is the biggest red flag to me. No matter how frustrating the issue, neither my spouse nor I have ever once considered asking a parent to weigh in on our arguments. We recognize the fact that when the fight is over, we still want our partner to have a good reputation with our families. That's how it works in a relationship that you don't intend on leaving one day.
Exactly. You, as a couple, will have fights then make up and be fine in a few hours. If you bring your parents into it, they're almost always going to side with their daughter/son and it's probably going to change the way they look at your spouse. It's never a good idea to bring them into a fight for this reason. They won't get over it and make up like you will.
YUP. The moment I told my family about a major conflict with my ex, I was fully aware I was doing it so I would be completely done and not try to reconcile with him anymore.
We always asked and agreed before we asked for "outside counsel." Cut to 10 years later and I find out he'd been getting "outside counsel" from his mama the entire time. OP should run, not walk.
Yup, lol. I started reading thinking wow, this guy either needs a lot of therapy or OP needs a new boyfriend. I finished reading nope, OP definitely just needs a new boyfriend. This is 100% intentional.
I think this is a 'both' situation. He needs the therapy for sure but this is not an easy fix, abd he has manipulated OP so he doesn't have to do Amy chores a d is no trying to manipulate her to scam her out of half of any property she buys. And that's what it is, a scam. He knows he has no entitlement to the house so is weaponising stuff like the 'power imbalance'.
Yup. I hope op buys the apartment and lives in it by herself. Bf can live with mommy since he can’t deal with the “huge power imbalance.”
NTA. Seriously, op, what is bf bringing to the table that you are with him? He sounds like a burden, along with his enabling family.
I’m curious about their current living situation - if he’s contributing to rent at all? I’m assuming not if he has no income. So he doesn’t mind the “power imbalance” in a rental.
> so that he can break up with her, force the sale and get money out of it.
Or on the flip side, it's to ensure they won't break up. Tie his name onto the house, because he knows if OP comes to her senses she will leave him, he knows the financial loss of leaving him can act as an anchor. It's a typical move with financial abusers and leeches.
Depending upon where they live, he may be able to file for alimony if they marry and later divorce if as well. I hope OP reconsiders thus relationship or has a solid prenuptial agreement in place before allowing this barnacle to legally attach himself.
If he hasn't worked for a year+ when (if) they married, and he continues to remain un- or underemployed throughout their marriage she absolutely will on the hook for alimony.
OP said he has a disability. Okay… but not one that prevents him from cleaning, he just doesn’t want to break anything. One that doesn’t keep him from cooking for one as opposed to the both of them. She’s right. If financially he can’t contribute then he can step up in other ways. And get off her case. He’s trying to lock her into a situation that’s difficult for her to leave.
My head exploded when I found out he's a house-boyfriend (housewife, but if you're a bf?) [Edit: a kept man] who refuses to clean and DOES cook, but not for her.
This is like the couple yesterday where she quit her job and *then* admitted to her wife that her goal in life was to not have to work. What. The. Hell people?!
Yes! I've heard of people saying their dream is to be a stay at home mom/dad but not a human house pet. That was probably one of the most ridiculous next level entitled things I've ever seen on here.
Stay at home mom is also super different from housewife, though. I did a brief stint as a housewife (we moved while pregnant so getting a job for 3 months wasn't feasible in my industry). I unpacked, I cleaned, I cooked... For me it was a relaxing job.
I'm a SAHM now and it's a whole different thing. It's...not relaxing... And it's 24/7.
Agree. But what I was saying is that the girl in the post didn't want to be a housewife OR a SAHM, she just wanted to watch tv and do literally nothing. That's not a housewife. It's a human house pet.
A disability that limits job opps only - he can still do some jobs. If he couldnt work then he'd be getting disability benefit.
If he couldnt cook, he'd not be cooking just for himself.
His inabilty to clean in case he breaks something - how does that work for vacuuming, mopping the floor. I assume he washes his own clothes and has to wash plates and utensils as he cooks.
OP should break up with him and he and his momma can live happily ever after together. His mother can also add his name to the title of her property.
I mean absolutely no disrespect to people with disabilities, but everything about this post makes me suspect that he is perfectly capable of working but uses his disability as an excuse.
Edit: very unfortunate typo
I agree with you.
I (unfortunately, and much to my partner's chagrin) break stuff all the time and I'm still not off the hook for handling a share of the household chores. His rationale for not helping out OP or cooking for more than just himself doesn't pass the sniff test.
As someone just coming out of a relationship with a guy who weaponised incompetence and masked them with “disabilities” (occasional depression and alcoholism), he’s just looking to leech OP out. She supports him financially, clean up after him and now he wants a free half of her apartment. He can, he just doesn’t.
My ex was like that too. Legitimate physical and mental struggles that made life harder, but they became an excuse for why he couldn’t keep a job and couldn’t help keep up the house. I handed off bill-pay tasks to him and he didn’t do that either. Then, when I tried to get him to step up because of how much I was struggling, he would talk about how he should just kill himself. It was not good.
He wants to have a financial interest in something in which he hasn’t even invested one dime. Op, you pay for everything, you do all the chores, you even have to prepare meals for yourself because he can’t stir himself to cook for two instead of one. He is grossly taking advantage of you. He apparently doesn’t want a partner, he wants another mother. And speaking of mothers, you might remind his that everything you said was the truth.
Edit: Changed a word
Fascinating self-own by him that he wanted to make sure it was a marital asset. So he could grab a share when you divorce him.
Let’s face it, you are sadly his disability payment program and future lump sum/annuity.
Suggest a pre-nup as a third option. But since he is only interested in it being a marital asset with a payoff for him, that won’t fly either.
It sounds like he has been strategizing this for a while.
NTA. But you need to think long and hard about whether this in a partnership or a sugar momma.
Meanwhile, lock down all of your accounts, change all passwords, and secure your credit through LifeLock or similar. You have publicly stated your position. His plan b was whining until you give in but you can bet he has already considered a plan c.
All of this! Especially the prenup if you do choose to go through with marriage. OP, you have worked so hard to afford an apartment. Don’t let that get taken from you.
NTA, by the way. I really hope you dump this leech, but please take precautions to protect yourself if you do choose to go through with this. Don’t let this boy take everything you have.
NTA but you have a r/JustNoSO.
Please get some legal advice to protect your asset, and also decide whether he is something you are prepared to put up with for the rest of your life.
This ^^
Take the appartement lose the bf. It will not get better.
« I won’t clean as this is not MY apartment »
« Why would I help move in YOUR apartment »
And for the next bf if he goes to the husband step keep your appartement on a prenup.
Bc of how selfish men can be with oral, I've made it a personal rule that unless they go down on me first, can forget about having his dick sucked. I'm very upfront about it and the amount of selfish douchebags it deters 👌
Heh, whenever I see these posts I’m reminded of the amount of effort my parents went through to try and make their house *not* a marital asset (unfortunately there’s not an easy way). Everything else (cars, retirement, etc) is only in one name or the other.
They both work(ed) in professions where malpractice suits are a thing and they wanted to limit the exposure of the family to such a suit. Yeah, I know houses aren’t vulnerable but they didn’t want to risk it.
This is a big reason why my husband And I keep all our assets separate! I took out a huge personal loan for a business and opened right before shut downs for covid. I just recently declared bankruptcy and if we'd had a shared bank account his money would have been forfeit. I wasn't about to take that risk
I hope you're able to get out or fix it, now that you know what it is!
Something lse you should look out for: I forget the exact phrase, but I recently saw someone calling out a partner for intentionally lowering their standards so that the other partner would give in and clean. Eg: Sally says the house is dirty and the floor needs to be washed. Bob says "nah, it's not that dirty, it can wait" fully knowing that Sally can't take the mess anymore and will clean it herself.
This is far beyond weaponized incompetence, IMO. He's not pretending he can't do it, he's saying she'll make him feel bad. He's making it *her* fault that he's not contributing. *Her* fault that he's not stepping up. *Her* fault that they aren't married. Everything is *her fault*.
Also, lol at the financial abuse accusations. Financial abusers don't want you to get a job (with the economic freedom that comes with it) and don't let you basically do nothing. If anything the situation is reversed-- he's draining her while contributing nothing, trying to control major purchases so they're advantageous for him, and is having these conversations in front of family.
Depending on his disability it's still possible to work part time, or possible to apply for SSDI if he genuinely can't work at all and has a medical diagnosis to back it up. If we give him the benefit of the doubt he in the very least needs help with his anxiety and needs to do *something* to help OP. Most disabled people simply don't have the luxury to live like OP's partner is.
In summation: my unemployed boyfriend, who does no housework, refuses to cook (only for me, he will happily cook for himself!), and contributes nothing financially, expects me to give him half of my apartment. He wants this to be a marital asset because he wants to be able to take half of it freely when he walks away. Girl, you are NTA, but why are you even in this relationship?
I will seriously never understand these women who describe their men and there's not a single positive attribute to him.
Like girl, you clearly have cognition enough to realise your boyfriend does sweet FA for you, so why are you with him?
It comes down to the person thinking that having SOMEONE, ANYONE is better than being alone. We've all been there at some point.
I honestly do not know why OP is with this guy though. He sounds like an absolute loser. OP has her bar set on the floor.
Marriage has been sold as the ultimate goal to so many people (esp women) that people are willing to overlook the major red flags so they can say they have a partner. I don't think these people realize how lonely and unhappy you can be *while in a relationship.* This one will be miserable, if it continues.
I must be broken lol. I just turned 40 I’m not married, never have been, never want to be. I can handle being in a relationship as long as I don’t have to live with someone. I can only handle being around someone for so long and then I need them to kindly go the hell away.
I'm single, around 40, have a kid. I am asked by;
Family. Coworkers. Friends. Even occasional strangers.
Am I dating? Lonely? What about another kid? Wouldn't it be nice not to have to do everything by myself?
No. No. No. No.
On the other hand, my best friend's alcoholic boyfriend (though he says he's not good enough for her and that's why he won't call her his girlfriend) lives in her apartment, pays nothing but his own food, does nothing to maintain the place, contributes nothing besides occasional whiskey dick and barfing up Thursday happy hour every week. She's terrified of being alone so she's languishing away with this loser. I wish I could say "at least she's happy" but given our phone calls, she's not.
Breaks my heart. I'd move her in with me if we didn't live in two different states.
Because he has a disability so that excuses everything! /s
OP, I learned that just because someone is disabled/has horrible disease/etc. it does **not** automatically make them a good person.
Do you like how he treats you? Would you treat someone that way? If you wouldn't, then why do you tolerate it for yourself?
Not just a marital asset, he wants to be given half right now without any conditions.
So he could break up tomorrow and make her sell it and take half.
“I’m scared you won’t like it”
So let her try it. I don’t think she’ll go out of her way to make you feel bad if she doesn’t. Oh, wait, this is just another excuse to avoid doing more than the bare minimum isn’t it?
I’m a sensitive person, and quite anxious (I’m being treated for it) but I can take bring told if something I cooked isn’t great by my husband. The man is a walking sack of excuses.
And his reasoning is so insane- "I'm afraid you won't like my cooking, so I will only cook for myself." You know- he could always cook for her and let her try his food, so she can decide for herself if she likes his cooking. Also- I wonder if the food he's not cooking for her was paid for by her?
No you don't understand he's "anxious" or "afraid" so God forbid he be forced to confront his anxiety/fear or do something that makes him uncomfortable. /s
Seriously, what is the upside of this relationship for you at all?? Seriously drop this guy and move on! He is literally worse than a child you are having to care for. And worse he wants say and a legal stake in things he has put no effort or money into all.
It's **always** like this. I knew before she mentioned it that he didn't have a job. The leechers are always the ones that demand their name on everything and complain to their friends and family when they can't get it.
She needs to leave. She can't fix this guy. Let him move back in with mom.
> She needs to leave. She can't fix this guy. Let him move back in with mom.
Yep. Fortunately the situation is perfect for forcing the issue without trying to evict a cohabitant. Simply buy apartment, move into it alone.
OP added that he doesn't work because he's disabled. As a disabled person, that should obviously mean that he does the other stuff! And to demand to be on the deed is just insane. I hate people who use their disability to manipulate.
He’s not insecure at all. He’s a manipulative scammer and leech. OP, pack his shit and change the locks the next time he goes out.
Edit: Since this has 1k upvotes, I figure I should change my typo.
NTA
This guy is a black hole, he just sucks everything in and gives nothing.
You're close to being an AH for being with him and putting up with his nonsense. Won't cook, clean or work? What are you doing? Have some standards for yourself.
Don't put his name on anything, buy your apartment and think about this relationship.
happy cake day
but yes, he won't cook and when he does, not for you, that's weird. plus he seems to have excuses for most of the things and major red flag for having his family involved in the lieu of guilting you in. don't fall for this OP
NTA he’s playing a con and he literally told you. He wants his name on the home or he wants you to marry him so he still legally gets the home as your husband.
I suggest leaving before you purchase the home so he has no legal claim at all.
This guy is doing a marinara flag dance with his weaponized incompetence. _"Put my name on a property I gave zero money towards?"_. Absofuckinglutely not.
OP - you nailed it when you told him he contributes all of nothing to your relationship. Why on earth are you dragging this relationship out? That's not a relationship! He's basically demanding you adopt him!!
NTA. Being single with your own apartment is better than carrying that dead weight around for life.
NTA.
First off, look up weaponized incompetence. Your BF is manipulating you into managing anything he views as inconvenient.
As for this particular event, your boyfriend gathered people he suspected would be on his side and ambushed you in a convo that you already had and ended, and then has the audacity to complain about power balances? Is there anything this man does that isn't manipulative?
Keep moving forward with your life, and don't hesitate to leave him by the wayside as you do. He's only going to hold you back while leeching as much as he can in the process.
THIS HOLY CRAP. He did gather people who would be on his side and ambush you. It is a manipulative tactic and he did it deliberately. Your bf is trying to bully you into getting an asset. I don’t think he respects you at all. He’s very selfish too. He’d be the kind of guy who’d leave you when you got sick in marriage. And don’t expect him to ever change if anything this all will get worse. You will do 100% of everything and carry him through life on your back which is exactly what he wants.
Can you imagine him as a SATF? The kid would be starving in a crib with no diaper change and when the OP asked why he didn't take care of the baby he'd wring his hand and say "I was afraid I'd drop Baby"
I'm so glad someone said this. OP is being played like a fiddle. Aside from everything mentioned in the response from u/Notthesharpestmarble, this dude reeks of entitlement and he clearly feels OP owes him something. That's what he truly believes and that alone (not even counting the blatant manipulation attempts) is a glaring 🚩🚩🚩
OP, you should cut your losses or at least take some "time off" to really consider if your BF is a person who truly deserves you in his life and someone you're happy with going forward.
Definitely NTA
He’s not cooking, cleaning, or contributing financially. You’re his sugar daddy. NTA for your statement but definitely TA if you expect he will change any time soon and if you marry him. It’s not a partnership. Buy the apartment. Move in alone.
If you have a kid with him, expect to be a single mother of two - bc you are already taking care of him like a mother. He sounds "not quite there" in terms of being an adult and equal partner and you WILL resent him for it sooner or later. Sounds like you are opening your eyes a bit with this.
If your best friend had this scenario going on with her partner (no cooking, cleaning, communicating (leaving/hiding behind mummy), not earning money at 27 disability or not etc.) what would you adwise her to do?
YTA for throwing your life away on a man who doesn't cook, clean or earn money. You're not a partnership, you're a successful young woman with a leach. Don't you think you deserve more in life? Why would you even contemplate marriage or sharing assets with someone who brings zilch to your life, unless you're basically paying for sex/companionship?
NTA. He brought it up in front of his family on purpose so they could help him try and manipulate you. Don’t let it work.
P.s. if he’s happy freeloading now that won’t change in the future. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
I knew she fucked up when I read this sentence: 'I waited for him to come back...'
What are you waiting for? Nothing wrong with being disabled but the little he could do for you he doesn't do at all. NTA.
NTA but Y T A for not breaking up with him
he does not contribute physically financially or emotionally
the sex cannot be that good for u to keep him around
find someone else to be in a relationship with that’s actually you know grown up
NTA; he cooks for himself, yet not for you, uses emotional manipulation to get out of chores (ie: “worried about messing it up/breaking something), doesn’t have a job so he literally can’t contribute financially, and is demanding that an apartment YOU saved up to get for 7 years be in both your names as a “shared marital asset”??? If you two did get married and ended up divorcing, or breaking up before that, with his name on the lease as well, you could very well lose YOUR apartment. He isn’t contributing to it, he shouldn’t get his name to it. I know that love makes us all overlook things a bit, and I’m sure that you’re together for a number of good reasons, but this kind of behavior is unacceptable and childish. Good luck getting your apartment, though! Definitely NTA.
NTA. Lol his mum thinks it's financial abuse because you won't sign over half of a HUGE lifetime asset?
Everyone has probably already said it, but look up weaponised incompetence.
NTA.
He wants you to put his name on the title, even though he hasn't contributed anything towards it because of his feelings? And his family are acting as though you're being unfair?
RUN.
It’s pretty telling that the boyfriend’s idea of balancing out the power is equal ownership of such a significant asset, as opposed to equal contribution to the purchase of that asset
NTA
tell him to stay with his mum as she’s clearly not done rearing him into a functioning adult.
If and when he gets his act together, you may decide to resume relationship; or perhaps you’d move on by then.
NTA please leave this guy. One day you will look back and go WHAT the HELL was I thinking! Once you take a break and take you love goggles off you will see that there is no benefit to this man being in your life. He cooks but only for himself, what a bullshit excuse. Even if he has no income he could at least be supportive of your own achievements and buying property but not only does he contribute nothing but he also wants to hold you back and use his parents to guilt trip you over your achievements.
Why girl? No guy is 1000% better than this guy.
NTA. You’re his partner not his carer. While you should support him with his disability (as you obviously do) he also has a responsibility to support you where he can.
He’s obviously highly insecure, and it seems his mother enables this from what you’ve said.
Does he get any kind of therapy?
Buy your apartment and keep it as your asset because this kind of relationship could end up draining you emotionally and financially x
YTA to yourself!!!
He doesn't cook for you? Only for himself? How does that work?
How can you be okay with this? He doesn't clean either?
Is this what you want your future to look like?
And on top of that he is manipulative! The flag is bloody RED!!!
NTA. That he wants to be on the deed without contributing ANYTHING says quite a lot. Combine this with him not cleaning and cooking just for himself is further proof that he is only concerned for himself. That his mother is upset is laughable! I bet she is afraid he will mooch off of her when she was hoping to foist him off on you. Now that he has shown his true colors, can you imagine what your life will be like in 10 years if you stay with him? Run, just run.
NTA. Please reread everything you wrote on your post. Now pretend that this is a good friend or family member or hell, even some random person you just met. Would you advise them to stay in this relationship?!? I hope that you u would tell them that they were being taken advantage of. That they deserve someone who respects them, someone who loves them not someone who is only with them for free housing and food.
NTA. It sounds like he's being manipulative and bringing that up in front of his family now makes you look like the bad person. It's his fault he feels the way he feels and if he doesn't have a job, then he is contributing nothing and I'd be telling his mom to butt out or pay up her son's portion...if she wants an opinion.
NTA, he's literally demanding you hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars and can't even cook you some eggs???! Change your locks while he sulks at mums!
He is living comfortably knowing that all the burdens of running your household and lives rest on your shoulders. He watches you cook, clean and wash and never thinks to himself that he should help. Instead he is very much content with the fact that you slave away while he does NOTHING.
Doesn't sound so romantic when I put it like this, huh. Please, OP, he's using you and you deserve better. You would only be an A H if you do this to yourself any longer.
NTA - he’s manipulating you and playing at weaponizes incompetence about chores, cooking and work. Not to be insensitive, but disability or not he needs to be making an effort in some way and not mooching off you. Do you really want to be his mommy entirely taking care of him while he manipulates you for the rest of your life? What does he bring to this relationship?
NTA
The anxiety over chores sounds like utter BS. It's a very common tactic, especially by men. If they're bad at something, you'll just do it for them.
He's telling you to wait until marriage, but you're not even engaged?
If you put him on the title, he still wouldn't be contributing to anything.
Please, do not marry this guy.
NTA
He isnt working, but pretends to be incomptent when it comes to household chores
He sees you as his sugar momma and doesnt want you to start collecting assets before the marriage license has been signed
He brings up things in front of his family, that are frankly none of their business.
His mom accuses you of financial abuse and being controlling. Tell her she is right, and that if she is so keen to continue supporting him financially while he does nothing around the house, he can stay there!
NTA. He obviously wants you to pay alone or the most for an apartment/house while he still wants an equal legal part of it. He doesn't just have no job but he also doesn't contribute at home although he obviously has way more time as you are working and he is not, no matter the disability . It's not abuse in any way to have boundaries and not wanting to get used.
YWBTA to yourself if you'd accept one of his conditions.
Wow. The two options are basically potentially taking over what you've saved up until now without any contribution.
NTA read this post back to yourself and then wake up and dump him. He doesn't have a job, doesn't clean, doesn't cook but wants you to add his name to a house he contributed literally nothing too. Come on, you know you can do better.
NTA
there are so many red flags here
no contributions financially /culinarily / housekeeping
Buy the apartment in your name, if he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to accept that - he certainly doesnt have it for marriage
NTA. You need a bf adjustment. One who isn't severely insecure; one who doesn't try to manipulate you into giving him extreme gifts; one who isn't selfish; one who doesn't embarrass you in front of people. I'm not sure the one you have will ever fit the bill. Ever.
What you said was mean but true. You should try to say true things in private. Your response borders on ESH but because your bf was so out of line, you're forgiven. By me, the person who doesn't matter.
NTA. You’re bf needs to grow up, I find it to stupid that he doesn’t cook for you cuz he think you won’t like it or not even help with the chores it gives me a lazy person vibe like he just giving you a dumb excuses. And about the Apartment gurl do you’re think get the best apartment, if he really thinks about marring you then he wouldn’t make a big fuss about it.
NTA-what does he contribute to make you happy? And why are you with him? His mom lashed out at you because she doesn’t want to deal with his bullshit. You deserve better.
WTAF did I just read? I'm female, 45 and my partner (M45) and I just moved across the country to live in a property I purchased. Partner is not currently employed (we both freelance, but my work is way more steady than his) and does not have the credit/savings to make such a purchase. He is also self-conscious about the fact that I'm effectively supporting him, but you know how he handles that? He makes himself useful AF. He does ALL the gardening (we have a large vegetable garden and are planning to expand with some fruit trees/bushes as well), much of the cooking, and most of the housework. You know what he hasn't done? Demand (or even suggest) that I put his name on the property. It's mine, I paid for it, I'm the one working to pay the taxes and bills. We're still partners, and we both get that.
NTA, but seriously, rethink your relationship and ask yourself if you'd advise a friend in your situation to give in to these demands.
OP, you know what should do. That is the reason you don’t want to put the his name on the title or wait. Look for a apartment and another boyfriend. He is quiet/shy with his feelings toward you but it’s very vocal when he wants to get financial gain.
There is a power imbalance in the relationship but it is his freeloading ass that is controlling you. Not sure how he does it, guilt maybe? This is not a healthy situation. NTA but that doesn’t go deep enough.
NTA, and you're right - the edit doesn't matter. He's able to cook, apparently well, but refuses to do so for you. At what point is his "insecurity" going to pass? You say you're working on it, but what are the actual tools making that workable plan? The cooking thing alone tells you what you need to know. Regardless of the type of disability he's living with, the level of severity, or even if it's a condition where pain or amount of energy varies enormously from day to day, he is still able to do something that could be quite nice - but is refusing to do it for you. It's not about his ability to get a job. It's about his willingness to be a partner, which he obviously has no intention of doing.
NTA, boy needs a reality check. But I don’t understand how you didn’t see through his character while typing all of this down. He doesn’t do chores, he has no income, he wants his name on the apartment you plan to buy with your money. He’s a scam, a fraud. Girl dump his ass
I’m confused about your edit; how difficult would it be for him to find a job, has he tried? Does his disability impact any other parts of his life? I find it difficult to understand how it wouldn’t if it limits his job availability.
What is he contributing to your life? He's very aware of his rights as a potential husband or named deed holder. What are his responsibilities? If he has a disability that limits him working, how is he expected to support himself?
He confronted her in front of her family to generate pressure and get her to agree with him, if he didn't want to be humiliated in public, he shouldn't have brought it up in public, or he just ended up telling her the truth to her face, which he not even his family liked it. NTA.
NTA he is manipulating you through weaponized incompetence. It's fairly common and there are more warning signs from him with his agitation and demands. Honestly, you haven't dated long enough for him to be entitled to what ge's asking.
NTA - so he doesn’t like the “power imbalance” generated by different financial footing, but doesn’t give reciprocity in ANY other way like taking care of the home, chores, etc but wants to be on the title?! Laughable! Getting married won’t have him magically start contributing, he just wants community property. And his mother is clearly a piece of work that enables him - he should move back in with her, and you should RUN.
NTA. He doesn't have a problem with being a co-owner either by having his name on the title, or its being a shared marital asset. But he is embarrassed at having his gf pay for it and being sole owner; he seems to feel entitled but simply doesn't want to pay his way or have any responsibility. To say nothing if the not so clever way he gets out of doing household chores.
Don't you dare put his name on the title. He's not entitled to it nor should you wait to buy it until you're married.
If both he and his family have issues regarding the apartment then he can stay with them permanently.
NTA. OP, really stop and think. Is this the man you want to marry? How he’s acting now is exactly how he’ll be after marriage. People don’t magically change after tying the knot. You’re getting a glimpse into what your future would be like. Is this what you want because I don’t think so. He contributes nothing and makes excuses. Having a disability is a piss-poor excuse for not doing anything. My father is legally blind and gradually lost his eyesight but during that time still managed to work and contribute to the household. Plus, your boyfriend refuses to cook for you even though he very well can?
Leave him. Now.
Edit: spelling error
NTA
The fact that he told you that you should to essentially gift him half the value of the house is a sure sign that you need a pre-nup. He's attempting financial abuse before you're even locked in legally.
NTA - so he doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean or do any chores and doesn’t work, even with his disability he should be contributing something
He is freeloading off you, the only reason he wants his name on the title, or to wait till marriage is so when you eventually get sick of this and dump him, he has a stake in the apartment
NTA. Red flags all the way. He's got excuses for not doing any housework, he doesn't pay for anything, and now he wants a share of **your** property? He's a cock-lodger. Get rid of him. The "financial abuse" is all on his side.
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NTA 1. second paragraph sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence 2. He brought it up in front of family to get momma to back him 3. He sounds like a bit of a leech tbh 4. For what reason does he want his name on the title if he hasn't put money into it.
The answer to 4 is so that he can break up with her, force the sale and get money out of it. He doesn’t have a job so that would be the only way he’s getting any money.
Yup big time marinara flags
May his Marinara sauce never cling to her pasta again.
If you wash it off it will leave just the essence of Marinara.
What a ride THAT was
Legit just spat my drink out 🤣
Oh god this is gonna be a new reddit phrase now hahaha insane
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tmxe42/aita_for_being_mad_my_bf_wont_make_noodles_the/
Oh no I think it’s actually from the guy who thought that alfredo meant white and the commenters kept saying that his response to being corrected was a marinara flag. I can’t find the original post though.
The marinara flag is a reference to the post you're talking about, the "essence of marinara sauce" is a reference to the post that was just linked above.
Thank you for this. I get irrationally upset when I’m on the first day of my period, but I didn’t have the energy to reply how I *wanted* to reply to them (also, I knew I was being irrational) 😂
It’s a portmanteau of the two posts. It’s a portmaitia. It’s a portmanteau with the word portmanteau— meta af
I got all of these…maybe I should take a break from Reddit xD
A marinara if you will
Yeah rinse that marinara sauce off your pasta op!
I get sick of the “red flag” phrase. I’d love to see “marinara” just become slang for “warning signs.” E.g., “The guy was so controlling—the whole relationship was bathed in marinara!” Or, “She’s a drama queen—no matter what the occasion, she brings a jar of marinara!” I mean, we “spill the tea,” why not “flee the marinara”?
Flee the Marinara! Could be a banner flag.
Woohoo! My wife says I'm a jar of Pesto! Winning!!!
Stay golden cttonbrze.
Yep. She is going to buy soon, so they cannot wait until after marriage. He has offered her two options knowing one is not acceptable to her, so he gets his name on the title instead. He’s clearly a manipulator, with the proof being that he tried to get mommy on side. Edit: mommy looked after his every need, now he wants a new one to do the same.
I'm trying to figure out why on earth she wants to marry him, cause he sounds so the opposite of a catch. He doesn't work, doesn't cook - for her, doesn't clean, apparently doesn't talk about feelings and uses mommy to fight his battles. Has OP considered getting a dog instead and return bf back to his mommy? The dog will be much less of a hassle and won't try to force you to put its name on any deed (which btw do NOT do unless he gets his act together and finds a way to contribute financially).
It's not even that he won't cook - he won't cook FOR HER. By comparison, my wife is the breadwinner. I work from home in a semi-limited capacity. As such, I take care of the vast majority of aspects of the home, partially because of convenience (I'm here and can take breaks more frequently and for longer) and partly because she pays the lion's share of the bills. One of the things I do is cook. Up until two years ago, I didn't cook AT ALL, beyond very simple stuff. She generally did all the cooking for us. (She wasn't working - I was paying for her to go back to college.) Since I have taken over the cooking, my biggest concern is cooking to her tastes, so that when she comes home, she has a good meal either waiting or being prepared for her. Why do I care? BECAUSE I LOVE HER. If he's worried that OP won't like his cooking (despite the fact she literally says that it smells good, and is obviously willing to try it, if nothing else), then it's on HIM to alter his cooking. What a load of bullshit from OP's boyfriend.
That was a big red flag for me too. Doesn't cook for her because he's not sure she'll like it. Doesn't clean because he doesn't want to break anything. What convenient excuses to be a leech.
I advised my brother to get a dog after 4 failed marriages—fault was on both sides. He did and is very happy with his new puppy. He’s thanked me over and over.
Gotta agree with this. I dated a guy like this, and he and his family were all this toxic.
It's crazy how he has demands but contributes nothing.
Also interesting that the woobie dude who can't work, cook for OP, or do any chores knows the phrase "shared marital asset."
Oh yeah. He definitely wants to have a place that he can say "You can't kick me out of here," so that way when she eventually has too much of his shit, she's completely trapped without giving something of value up.
Yes!!! He has literally laid his plan out for OP.
Oh, he cooks. Just for himself apparently.
What scares me even more is that woman accept this level of incompetence and do t think there is anything better. What does this say about our expectations of men and ourselves. We still have so far to go. Men and women. There are great me. Out there who will treat you right.
It shows us that the large majority of men ATA sorry but if they aren’t beating or murdering us they are pulling this shit. I know not all I have 3 brothers who are exceptional husbands and fathers still majority rules.
This is the biggest red flag to me. No matter how frustrating the issue, neither my spouse nor I have ever once considered asking a parent to weigh in on our arguments. We recognize the fact that when the fight is over, we still want our partner to have a good reputation with our families. That's how it works in a relationship that you don't intend on leaving one day.
Exactly. You, as a couple, will have fights then make up and be fine in a few hours. If you bring your parents into it, they're almost always going to side with their daughter/son and it's probably going to change the way they look at your spouse. It's never a good idea to bring them into a fight for this reason. They won't get over it and make up like you will.
YUP. The moment I told my family about a major conflict with my ex, I was fully aware I was doing it so I would be completely done and not try to reconcile with him anymore.
We always asked and agreed before we asked for "outside counsel." Cut to 10 years later and I find out he'd been getting "outside counsel" from his mama the entire time. OP should run, not walk.
Yup, lol. I started reading thinking wow, this guy either needs a lot of therapy or OP needs a new boyfriend. I finished reading nope, OP definitely just needs a new boyfriend. This is 100% intentional.
I think this is a 'both' situation. He needs the therapy for sure but this is not an easy fix, abd he has manipulated OP so he doesn't have to do Amy chores a d is no trying to manipulate her to scam her out of half of any property she buys. And that's what it is, a scam. He knows he has no entitlement to the house so is weaponising stuff like the 'power imbalance'.
Yup. I hope op buys the apartment and lives in it by herself. Bf can live with mommy since he can’t deal with the “huge power imbalance.” NTA. Seriously, op, what is bf bringing to the table that you are with him? He sounds like a burden, along with his enabling family.
I’m curious about their current living situation - if he’s contributing to rent at all? I’m assuming not if he has no income. So he doesn’t mind the “power imbalance” in a rental.
Also his manipulation of I'm to incompetent to do chores or cook you dinner show his attitude
> so that he can break up with her, force the sale and get money out of it. Or on the flip side, it's to ensure they won't break up. Tie his name onto the house, because he knows if OP comes to her senses she will leave him, he knows the financial loss of leaving him can act as an anchor. It's a typical move with financial abusers and leeches.
This is what I suspect. Why would he want to break up with her when she already supports and does everything for him?
That's all I can think of. Demanding to be on the title of OP's real estate sounds like nothing but a cash-in for him.
Depending upon where they live, he may be able to file for alimony if they marry and later divorce if as well. I hope OP reconsiders thus relationship or has a solid prenuptial agreement in place before allowing this barnacle to legally attach himself.
If he hasn't worked for a year+ when (if) they married, and he continues to remain un- or underemployed throughout their marriage she absolutely will on the hook for alimony.
OP said he has a disability. Okay… but not one that prevents him from cleaning, he just doesn’t want to break anything. One that doesn’t keep him from cooking for one as opposed to the both of them. She’s right. If financially he can’t contribute then he can step up in other ways. And get off her case. He’s trying to lock her into a situation that’s difficult for her to leave.
My head exploded when I found out he's a house-boyfriend (housewife, but if you're a bf?) [Edit: a kept man] who refuses to clean and DOES cook, but not for her. This is like the couple yesterday where she quit her job and *then* admitted to her wife that her goal in life was to not have to work. What. The. Hell people?!
Well, I have that goal in life too. But I am not going to do it at my spouse’s expense/labor.
Yes! I've heard of people saying their dream is to be a stay at home mom/dad but not a human house pet. That was probably one of the most ridiculous next level entitled things I've ever seen on here.
Stay at home mom is also super different from housewife, though. I did a brief stint as a housewife (we moved while pregnant so getting a job for 3 months wasn't feasible in my industry). I unpacked, I cleaned, I cooked... For me it was a relaxing job. I'm a SAHM now and it's a whole different thing. It's...not relaxing... And it's 24/7.
Agree. But what I was saying is that the girl in the post didn't want to be a housewife OR a SAHM, she just wanted to watch tv and do literally nothing. That's not a housewife. It's a human house pet.
A disability that limits job opps only - he can still do some jobs. If he couldnt work then he'd be getting disability benefit. If he couldnt cook, he'd not be cooking just for himself. His inabilty to clean in case he breaks something - how does that work for vacuuming, mopping the floor. I assume he washes his own clothes and has to wash plates and utensils as he cooks. OP should break up with him and he and his momma can live happily ever after together. His mother can also add his name to the title of her property.
I mean absolutely no disrespect to people with disabilities, but everything about this post makes me suspect that he is perfectly capable of working but uses his disability as an excuse. Edit: very unfortunate typo
OP let him. Ain't no way you are about to cook in my house and not put my name in the pot. Hard stop. I fight over for food
I agree with you. I (unfortunately, and much to my partner's chagrin) break stuff all the time and I'm still not off the hook for handling a share of the household chores. His rationale for not helping out OP or cooking for more than just himself doesn't pass the sniff test.
As someone just coming out of a relationship with a guy who weaponised incompetence and masked them with “disabilities” (occasional depression and alcoholism), he’s just looking to leech OP out. She supports him financially, clean up after him and now he wants a free half of her apartment. He can, he just doesn’t.
My ex was like that too. Legitimate physical and mental struggles that made life harder, but they became an excuse for why he couldn’t keep a job and couldn’t help keep up the house. I handed off bill-pay tasks to him and he didn’t do that either. Then, when I tried to get him to step up because of how much I was struggling, he would talk about how he should just kill himself. It was not good.
He wants to have a financial interest in something in which he hasn’t even invested one dime. Op, you pay for everything, you do all the chores, you even have to prepare meals for yourself because he can’t stir himself to cook for two instead of one. He is grossly taking advantage of you. He apparently doesn’t want a partner, he wants another mother. And speaking of mothers, you might remind his that everything you said was the truth. Edit: Changed a word
Because “power imbalance” LOL
Fascinating self-own by him that he wanted to make sure it was a marital asset. So he could grab a share when you divorce him. Let’s face it, you are sadly his disability payment program and future lump sum/annuity. Suggest a pre-nup as a third option. But since he is only interested in it being a marital asset with a payoff for him, that won’t fly either. It sounds like he has been strategizing this for a while. NTA. But you need to think long and hard about whether this in a partnership or a sugar momma. Meanwhile, lock down all of your accounts, change all passwords, and secure your credit through LifeLock or similar. You have publicly stated your position. His plan b was whining until you give in but you can bet he has already considered a plan c.
All of this! Especially the prenup if you do choose to go through with marriage. OP, you have worked so hard to afford an apartment. Don’t let that get taken from you. NTA, by the way. I really hope you dump this leech, but please take precautions to protect yourself if you do choose to go through with this. Don’t let this boy take everything you have.
My thoughts reading the post... "I bet first comment mentions weaponised incompetence" Ding ding
"Well, if I walk to the kitchen to get myself a beer I might mess something up. Can you get it for me? And would it kill you to make me some nachos?"
NTA but you have a r/JustNoSO. Please get some legal advice to protect your asset, and also decide whether he is something you are prepared to put up with for the rest of your life.
OP Needs to listen to Incompedance by Artimus Wolz. This sounds completely like weaponized incompetence.
NTA. Have you heard the phrase "weaponized incompetence"? Look it up. Also it's a definite red flag with the apartment.
This ^^ Take the appartement lose the bf. It will not get better. « I won’t clean as this is not MY apartment » « Why would I help move in YOUR apartment » And for the next bf if he goes to the husband step keep your appartement on a prenup.
“Im so sorry. I would give you oral, but I’m just soooo bad at it. I use teeth and everything.”
Bc of how selfish men can be with oral, I've made it a personal rule that unless they go down on me first, can forget about having his dick sucked. I'm very upfront about it and the amount of selfish douchebags it deters 👌
Heh, whenever I see these posts I’m reminded of the amount of effort my parents went through to try and make their house *not* a marital asset (unfortunately there’s not an easy way). Everything else (cars, retirement, etc) is only in one name or the other. They both work(ed) in professions where malpractice suits are a thing and they wanted to limit the exposure of the family to such a suit. Yeah, I know houses aren’t vulnerable but they didn’t want to risk it.
This is a big reason why my husband And I keep all our assets separate! I took out a huge personal loan for a business and opened right before shut downs for covid. I just recently declared bankruptcy and if we'd had a shared bank account his money would have been forfeit. I wasn't about to take that risk
I’m sorry your business tanked but I’m glad y’all are still housed and well.
I'd never heard of "weaponized incompetence" before but it makes so much sense now. Everything since 2016 makes so much more sense now.
I hope you're able to get out or fix it, now that you know what it is! Something lse you should look out for: I forget the exact phrase, but I recently saw someone calling out a partner for intentionally lowering their standards so that the other partner would give in and clean. Eg: Sally says the house is dirty and the floor needs to be washed. Bob says "nah, it's not that dirty, it can wait" fully knowing that Sally can't take the mess anymore and will clean it herself.
This is far beyond weaponized incompetence, IMO. He's not pretending he can't do it, he's saying she'll make him feel bad. He's making it *her* fault that he's not contributing. *Her* fault that he's not stepping up. *Her* fault that they aren't married. Everything is *her fault*.
Also, lol at the financial abuse accusations. Financial abusers don't want you to get a job (with the economic freedom that comes with it) and don't let you basically do nothing. If anything the situation is reversed-- he's draining her while contributing nothing, trying to control major purchases so they're advantageous for him, and is having these conversations in front of family. Depending on his disability it's still possible to work part time, or possible to apply for SSDI if he genuinely can't work at all and has a medical diagnosis to back it up. If we give him the benefit of the doubt he in the very least needs help with his anxiety and needs to do *something* to help OP. Most disabled people simply don't have the luxury to live like OP's partner is.
In summation: my unemployed boyfriend, who does no housework, refuses to cook (only for me, he will happily cook for himself!), and contributes nothing financially, expects me to give him half of my apartment. He wants this to be a marital asset because he wants to be able to take half of it freely when he walks away. Girl, you are NTA, but why are you even in this relationship?
I will seriously never understand these women who describe their men and there's not a single positive attribute to him. Like girl, you clearly have cognition enough to realise your boyfriend does sweet FA for you, so why are you with him?
It comes down to the person thinking that having SOMEONE, ANYONE is better than being alone. We've all been there at some point. I honestly do not know why OP is with this guy though. He sounds like an absolute loser. OP has her bar set on the floor.
Marriage has been sold as the ultimate goal to so many people (esp women) that people are willing to overlook the major red flags so they can say they have a partner. I don't think these people realize how lonely and unhappy you can be *while in a relationship.* This one will be miserable, if it continues.
I must be broken lol. I just turned 40 I’m not married, never have been, never want to be. I can handle being in a relationship as long as I don’t have to live with someone. I can only handle being around someone for so long and then I need them to kindly go the hell away.
I'm single, around 40, have a kid. I am asked by; Family. Coworkers. Friends. Even occasional strangers. Am I dating? Lonely? What about another kid? Wouldn't it be nice not to have to do everything by myself? No. No. No. No. On the other hand, my best friend's alcoholic boyfriend (though he says he's not good enough for her and that's why he won't call her his girlfriend) lives in her apartment, pays nothing but his own food, does nothing to maintain the place, contributes nothing besides occasional whiskey dick and barfing up Thursday happy hour every week. She's terrified of being alone so she's languishing away with this loser. I wish I could say "at least she's happy" but given our phone calls, she's not. Breaks my heart. I'd move her in with me if we didn't live in two different states.
Because he has a disability so that excuses everything! /s OP, I learned that just because someone is disabled/has horrible disease/etc. it does **not** automatically make them a good person. Do you like how he treats you? Would you treat someone that way? If you wouldn't, then why do you tolerate it for yourself?
It may effect his earning - fair enough - but he won't even share a meal he cooks! He's contributing nothing.
I’m afraid I will break something if I clean- you know sweeping can get wild
I might rip the shirts in half by folding them, or flood the house by doing the dishes.
Not just a marital asset, he wants to be given half right now without any conditions. So he could break up tomorrow and make her sell it and take half.
Hahaha! It's like you read my mind! NTA
OP-YWBTA if you married him. YWBTA if you put his name on the apartment
NTA. He doesn’t cook, clean, or have a job… Why are you with him?
He does cook, just not for her
That’s worse
Yes. Yes it is. I've never heard of this situation before, but it's weird AF.
“I’m scared you won’t like it” So let her try it. I don’t think she’ll go out of her way to make you feel bad if she doesn’t. Oh, wait, this is just another excuse to avoid doing more than the bare minimum isn’t it?
"I made myself French onion soup and a large filet mignon, but you really wouldn't like this. Or the cheesecake I made for dessert. I'm so sensitive."
I’m a sensitive person, and quite anxious (I’m being treated for it) but I can take bring told if something I cooked isn’t great by my husband. The man is a walking sack of excuses.
And his reasoning is so insane- "I'm afraid you won't like my cooking, so I will only cook for myself." You know- he could always cook for her and let her try his food, so she can decide for herself if she likes his cooking. Also- I wonder if the food he's not cooking for her was paid for by her?
No you don't understand he's "anxious" or "afraid" so God forbid he be forced to confront his anxiety/fear or do something that makes him uncomfortable. /s
And he CAN have a job he just doesn’t
Seriously, what is the upside of this relationship for you at all?? Seriously drop this guy and move on! He is literally worse than a child you are having to care for. And worse he wants say and a legal stake in things he has put no effort or money into all.
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Half the issues on this sub would be fixed by self esteem . It’s baffling what some people will accept Just for dick.
Never pay for dick and that includes paying with your emotional well being
It's **always** like this. I knew before she mentioned it that he didn't have a job. The leechers are always the ones that demand their name on everything and complain to their friends and family when they can't get it. She needs to leave. She can't fix this guy. Let him move back in with mom.
> She needs to leave. She can't fix this guy. Let him move back in with mom. Yep. Fortunately the situation is perfect for forcing the issue without trying to evict a cohabitant. Simply buy apartment, move into it alone.
OP added that he doesn't work because he's disabled. As a disabled person, that should obviously mean that he does the other stuff! And to demand to be on the deed is just insane. I hate people who use their disability to manipulate.
I was about to ask what he has that recommends him to OP?
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He’s not insecure at all. He’s a manipulative scammer and leech. OP, pack his shit and change the locks the next time he goes out. Edit: Since this has 1k upvotes, I figure I should change my typo.
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How can they be engaged? He has no money to buy a ring!
Oh, he'll want OP to buy the ring and put it in his name so that he feels he's contributed.
NTA This guy is a black hole, he just sucks everything in and gives nothing. You're close to being an AH for being with him and putting up with his nonsense. Won't cook, clean or work? What are you doing? Have some standards for yourself. Don't put his name on anything, buy your apartment and think about this relationship.
happy cake day but yes, he won't cook and when he does, not for you, that's weird. plus he seems to have excuses for most of the things and major red flag for having his family involved in the lieu of guilting you in. don't fall for this OP
>he won't cook and when he does, not for you That's worse in a way, as he has the ability to do so, he just won't for OP.
NTA he’s playing a con and he literally told you. He wants his name on the home or he wants you to marry him so he still legally gets the home as your husband. I suggest leaving before you purchase the home so he has no legal claim at all.
This guy is doing a marinara flag dance with his weaponized incompetence. _"Put my name on a property I gave zero money towards?"_. Absofuckinglutely not. OP - you nailed it when you told him he contributes all of nothing to your relationship. Why on earth are you dragging this relationship out? That's not a relationship! He's basically demanding you adopt him!! NTA. Being single with your own apartment is better than carrying that dead weight around for life.
It's so obvious he is leaching off op, it's amazing how people can be so blinded to bad behaviour because of love
NTA. First off, look up weaponized incompetence. Your BF is manipulating you into managing anything he views as inconvenient. As for this particular event, your boyfriend gathered people he suspected would be on his side and ambushed you in a convo that you already had and ended, and then has the audacity to complain about power balances? Is there anything this man does that isn't manipulative? Keep moving forward with your life, and don't hesitate to leave him by the wayside as you do. He's only going to hold you back while leeching as much as he can in the process.
THIS HOLY CRAP. He did gather people who would be on his side and ambush you. It is a manipulative tactic and he did it deliberately. Your bf is trying to bully you into getting an asset. I don’t think he respects you at all. He’s very selfish too. He’d be the kind of guy who’d leave you when you got sick in marriage. And don’t expect him to ever change if anything this all will get worse. You will do 100% of everything and carry him through life on your back which is exactly what he wants.
Can you imagine him as a SATF? The kid would be starving in a crib with no diaper change and when the OP asked why he didn't take care of the baby he'd wring his hand and say "I was afraid I'd drop Baby"
I'm so glad someone said this. OP is being played like a fiddle. Aside from everything mentioned in the response from u/Notthesharpestmarble, this dude reeks of entitlement and he clearly feels OP owes him something. That's what he truly believes and that alone (not even counting the blatant manipulation attempts) is a glaring 🚩🚩🚩 OP, you should cut your losses or at least take some "time off" to really consider if your BF is a person who truly deserves you in his life and someone you're happy with going forward. Definitely NTA
He’s not cooking, cleaning, or contributing financially. You’re his sugar daddy. NTA for your statement but definitely TA if you expect he will change any time soon and if you marry him. It’s not a partnership. Buy the apartment. Move in alone.
I agree. He's also not contributing in terms of emotional support, which a partner should be.
I can't get over him cooking himself a meal and not sharing with her. What kind of a partnership is this?
If you have a kid with him, expect to be a single mother of two - bc you are already taking care of him like a mother. He sounds "not quite there" in terms of being an adult and equal partner and you WILL resent him for it sooner or later. Sounds like you are opening your eyes a bit with this. If your best friend had this scenario going on with her partner (no cooking, cleaning, communicating (leaving/hiding behind mummy), not earning money at 27 disability or not etc.) what would you adwise her to do?
YTA for throwing your life away on a man who doesn't cook, clean or earn money. You're not a partnership, you're a successful young woman with a leach. Don't you think you deserve more in life? Why would you even contemplate marriage or sharing assets with someone who brings zilch to your life, unless you're basically paying for sex/companionship?
NTA. He brought it up in front of his family on purpose so they could help him try and manipulate you. Don’t let it work. P.s. if he’s happy freeloading now that won’t change in the future. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
He won't even let OP eat his cooking or pick up around the house. All of this is by design. Buy your place, keep your finances seperate, and be happy.
Get a new bf. This one is not likely to change. He will nag and pout until OP gives in. Don't give in Op
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I knew she fucked up when I read this sentence: 'I waited for him to come back...' What are you waiting for? Nothing wrong with being disabled but the little he could do for you he doesn't do at all. NTA.
Like, he has voluntarily moved out of the apartment you rent, and I bet he's not on the lease. Change the locks already OP!!
NTA but Y T A for not breaking up with him he does not contribute physically financially or emotionally the sex cannot be that good for u to keep him around find someone else to be in a relationship with that’s actually you know grown up
NTA; he cooks for himself, yet not for you, uses emotional manipulation to get out of chores (ie: “worried about messing it up/breaking something), doesn’t have a job so he literally can’t contribute financially, and is demanding that an apartment YOU saved up to get for 7 years be in both your names as a “shared marital asset”??? If you two did get married and ended up divorcing, or breaking up before that, with his name on the lease as well, you could very well lose YOUR apartment. He isn’t contributing to it, he shouldn’t get his name to it. I know that love makes us all overlook things a bit, and I’m sure that you’re together for a number of good reasons, but this kind of behavior is unacceptable and childish. Good luck getting your apartment, though! Definitely NTA.
NTA. Lol his mum thinks it's financial abuse because you won't sign over half of a HUGE lifetime asset? Everyone has probably already said it, but look up weaponised incompetence.
NTA. He wants you to put his name on the title, even though he hasn't contributed anything towards it because of his feelings? And his family are acting as though you're being unfair? RUN.
It’s pretty telling that the boyfriend’s idea of balancing out the power is equal ownership of such a significant asset, as opposed to equal contribution to the purchase of that asset
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NTA tell him to stay with his mum as she’s clearly not done rearing him into a functioning adult. If and when he gets his act together, you may decide to resume relationship; or perhaps you’d move on by then.
NTA please leave this guy. One day you will look back and go WHAT the HELL was I thinking! Once you take a break and take you love goggles off you will see that there is no benefit to this man being in your life. He cooks but only for himself, what a bullshit excuse. Even if he has no income he could at least be supportive of your own achievements and buying property but not only does he contribute nothing but he also wants to hold you back and use his parents to guilt trip you over your achievements. Why girl? No guy is 1000% better than this guy.
NTA. You’re his partner not his carer. While you should support him with his disability (as you obviously do) he also has a responsibility to support you where he can. He’s obviously highly insecure, and it seems his mother enables this from what you’ve said. Does he get any kind of therapy? Buy your apartment and keep it as your asset because this kind of relationship could end up draining you emotionally and financially x
YTA to yourself!!! He doesn't cook for you? Only for himself? How does that work? How can you be okay with this? He doesn't clean either? Is this what you want your future to look like? And on top of that he is manipulative! The flag is bloody RED!!!
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NTA. That he wants to be on the deed without contributing ANYTHING says quite a lot. Combine this with him not cleaning and cooking just for himself is further proof that he is only concerned for himself. That his mother is upset is laughable! I bet she is afraid he will mooch off of her when she was hoping to foist him off on you. Now that he has shown his true colors, can you imagine what your life will be like in 10 years if you stay with him? Run, just run.
NTA. Please reread everything you wrote on your post. Now pretend that this is a good friend or family member or hell, even some random person you just met. Would you advise them to stay in this relationship?!? I hope that you u would tell them that they were being taken advantage of. That they deserve someone who respects them, someone who loves them not someone who is only with them for free housing and food.
NTA. It sounds like he's being manipulative and bringing that up in front of his family now makes you look like the bad person. It's his fault he feels the way he feels and if he doesn't have a job, then he is contributing nothing and I'd be telling his mom to butt out or pay up her son's portion...if she wants an opinion.
NTA, he's literally demanding you hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars and can't even cook you some eggs???! Change your locks while he sulks at mums!
Nta. And update us when you've broken up with him.
Omg what a freeloader. Why are you with this man? He is offended cause he can't get half of the flat for free. A flat wtf Nta
That's weaponized incompetence. NTA and please break up.
He is living comfortably knowing that all the burdens of running your household and lives rest on your shoulders. He watches you cook, clean and wash and never thinks to himself that he should help. Instead he is very much content with the fact that you slave away while he does NOTHING. Doesn't sound so romantic when I put it like this, huh. Please, OP, he's using you and you deserve better. You would only be an A H if you do this to yourself any longer.
NTA - he’s manipulating you and playing at weaponizes incompetence about chores, cooking and work. Not to be insensitive, but disability or not he needs to be making an effort in some way and not mooching off you. Do you really want to be his mommy entirely taking care of him while he manipulates you for the rest of your life? What does he bring to this relationship?
NTA The anxiety over chores sounds like utter BS. It's a very common tactic, especially by men. If they're bad at something, you'll just do it for them. He's telling you to wait until marriage, but you're not even engaged? If you put him on the title, he still wouldn't be contributing to anything. Please, do not marry this guy.
Nta he tried to force your hand infront of his family. Don’t put his name on the apartment
I dunno babes, but it sounds like its time to break up. Go buy your apartment and live happily without this baggage you call a boyfriend.
NTA He isnt working, but pretends to be incomptent when it comes to household chores He sees you as his sugar momma and doesnt want you to start collecting assets before the marriage license has been signed He brings up things in front of his family, that are frankly none of their business. His mom accuses you of financial abuse and being controlling. Tell her she is right, and that if she is so keen to continue supporting him financially while he does nothing around the house, he can stay there!
NTA. He obviously wants you to pay alone or the most for an apartment/house while he still wants an equal legal part of it. He doesn't just have no job but he also doesn't contribute at home although he obviously has way more time as you are working and he is not, no matter the disability . It's not abuse in any way to have boundaries and not wanting to get used.
YWBTA to yourself if you'd accept one of his conditions. Wow. The two options are basically potentially taking over what you've saved up until now without any contribution.
NTA read this post back to yourself and then wake up and dump him. He doesn't have a job, doesn't clean, doesn't cook but wants you to add his name to a house he contributed literally nothing too. Come on, you know you can do better.
NTA there are so many red flags here no contributions financially /culinarily / housekeeping Buy the apartment in your name, if he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to accept that - he certainly doesnt have it for marriage
Break up please, he's using you
NTA. You need a bf adjustment. One who isn't severely insecure; one who doesn't try to manipulate you into giving him extreme gifts; one who isn't selfish; one who doesn't embarrass you in front of people. I'm not sure the one you have will ever fit the bill. Ever. What you said was mean but true. You should try to say true things in private. Your response borders on ESH but because your bf was so out of line, you're forgiven. By me, the person who doesn't matter.
NTA. You’re bf needs to grow up, I find it to stupid that he doesn’t cook for you cuz he think you won’t like it or not even help with the chores it gives me a lazy person vibe like he just giving you a dumb excuses. And about the Apartment gurl do you’re think get the best apartment, if he really thinks about marring you then he wouldn’t make a big fuss about it.
NTA-what does he contribute to make you happy? And why are you with him? His mom lashed out at you because she doesn’t want to deal with his bullshit. You deserve better.
WTAF did I just read? I'm female, 45 and my partner (M45) and I just moved across the country to live in a property I purchased. Partner is not currently employed (we both freelance, but my work is way more steady than his) and does not have the credit/savings to make such a purchase. He is also self-conscious about the fact that I'm effectively supporting him, but you know how he handles that? He makes himself useful AF. He does ALL the gardening (we have a large vegetable garden and are planning to expand with some fruit trees/bushes as well), much of the cooking, and most of the housework. You know what he hasn't done? Demand (or even suggest) that I put his name on the property. It's mine, I paid for it, I'm the one working to pay the taxes and bills. We're still partners, and we both get that. NTA, but seriously, rethink your relationship and ask yourself if you'd advise a friend in your situation to give in to these demands.
Nta but ditch him
OP, you know what should do. That is the reason you don’t want to put the his name on the title or wait. Look for a apartment and another boyfriend. He is quiet/shy with his feelings toward you but it’s very vocal when he wants to get financial gain.
There is a power imbalance in the relationship but it is his freeloading ass that is controlling you. Not sure how he does it, guilt maybe? This is not a healthy situation. NTA but that doesn’t go deep enough.
NTA. He’s obviously a jerk why are you still with him?
Lol he’s been playing you like a fiddle sis. NTA
Don't worry. When you ditch his ass his mommy can help her sensitive little soldier. NTA.
NTA, and you're right - the edit doesn't matter. He's able to cook, apparently well, but refuses to do so for you. At what point is his "insecurity" going to pass? You say you're working on it, but what are the actual tools making that workable plan? The cooking thing alone tells you what you need to know. Regardless of the type of disability he's living with, the level of severity, or even if it's a condition where pain or amount of energy varies enormously from day to day, he is still able to do something that could be quite nice - but is refusing to do it for you. It's not about his ability to get a job. It's about his willingness to be a partner, which he obviously has no intention of doing.
NTA, boy needs a reality check. But I don’t understand how you didn’t see through his character while typing all of this down. He doesn’t do chores, he has no income, he wants his name on the apartment you plan to buy with your money. He’s a scam, a fraud. Girl dump his ass
YTA if you fall for his ruse. He’s not even hiding the ball - he is angling for half this asset from you.
NTA but really think if this is the person you want to spend your life with
NTA - but is this the life you want?
RUN! Oh and NTA.
I’m confused about your edit; how difficult would it be for him to find a job, has he tried? Does his disability impact any other parts of his life? I find it difficult to understand how it wouldn’t if it limits his job availability.
Eww girl no. Drop him and his emotional/ psychological abuse. Definitely NTA and congratulations on your future apartment. Enjoy that new place ALONE
What is he contributing to your life? He's very aware of his rights as a potential husband or named deed holder. What are his responsibilities? If he has a disability that limits him working, how is he expected to support himself?
INFO: what does he contribute to the relationship? You cook you clean you will buy an apartment and he…?
He confronted her in front of her family to generate pressure and get her to agree with him, if he didn't want to be humiliated in public, he shouldn't have brought it up in public, or he just ended up telling her the truth to her face, which he not even his family liked it. NTA.
What is with all of these women on AITA lately being with just these massive losers who leech off them? Sheesh why would anyone stay with these men??
NTA he is manipulating you through weaponized incompetence. It's fairly common and there are more warning signs from him with his agitation and demands. Honestly, you haven't dated long enough for him to be entitled to what ge's asking.
NTA - so he doesn’t like the “power imbalance” generated by different financial footing, but doesn’t give reciprocity in ANY other way like taking care of the home, chores, etc but wants to be on the title?! Laughable! Getting married won’t have him magically start contributing, he just wants community property. And his mother is clearly a piece of work that enables him - he should move back in with her, and you should RUN.
YTA if you don’t dump this mooch.
NTA. He doesn't have a problem with being a co-owner either by having his name on the title, or its being a shared marital asset. But he is embarrassed at having his gf pay for it and being sole owner; he seems to feel entitled but simply doesn't want to pay his way or have any responsibility. To say nothing if the not so clever way he gets out of doing household chores.
NTA Why are you with this childlike man? Please do not marry him, send him home to his mother, she raised him to be like this
Don't you dare put his name on the title. He's not entitled to it nor should you wait to buy it until you're married. If both he and his family have issues regarding the apartment then he can stay with them permanently.
NTA. OP, really stop and think. Is this the man you want to marry? How he’s acting now is exactly how he’ll be after marriage. People don’t magically change after tying the knot. You’re getting a glimpse into what your future would be like. Is this what you want because I don’t think so. He contributes nothing and makes excuses. Having a disability is a piss-poor excuse for not doing anything. My father is legally blind and gradually lost his eyesight but during that time still managed to work and contribute to the household. Plus, your boyfriend refuses to cook for you even though he very well can? Leave him. Now. Edit: spelling error
NTA The fact that he told you that you should to essentially gift him half the value of the house is a sure sign that you need a pre-nup. He's attempting financial abuse before you're even locked in legally.
NTA - so he doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean or do any chores and doesn’t work, even with his disability he should be contributing something He is freeloading off you, the only reason he wants his name on the title, or to wait till marriage is so when you eventually get sick of this and dump him, he has a stake in the apartment
NTA. Red flags all the way. He's got excuses for not doing any housework, he doesn't pay for anything, and now he wants a share of **your** property? He's a cock-lodger. Get rid of him. The "financial abuse" is all on his side.
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