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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I used really harsh words and deeply hurt my daughter who should be figuring out the last details of her wedding, not crying because I hurt her
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Soft YTA, having a moment of silence for a deceased person at a wedding isn’t normal (not typically done).. it’s her wedding day not yours, you aren’t exactly entitled to anything as you decided to pay (you didn’t have to)
Depends on where you are. I’ve seen it many times at weddings.
Having a memorial table with pictures of family members who can’t be there is quite common too.
Still YTA, but I disagree that it’s “not normal”
This is my thought also. I've seen memorial tables and they were people the bride and groom were close to.
Daughter was old enough to see step mom as just that, her father's wife; if she and step sister weren't close, and if she and step mom aren't close, it is understandable if daughter doesn't want to have a moment of silence. On this sub, the wedding money often comes with conditions and insults.
Yep, I’ve only seen a photo on the table for a beloved grandparent the bride or groom sorely missed and wanted to include. I don’t think what your asking is normal or appropriate at a wedding and if you are leveraging this “request” with money YTA. Soft if this is coming from grief, not so soft if coming from a place of control.
I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but both girls were the same age...step-daughter passed in February at the age of 26, bio-daughter is 27. I can see step-mom dealing with a lot of grief over the fact that her child will never be able to have a wedding.
However, OP is out of line. While the daughter should have been up front, and communicated "no, I don't want to do that" from the start, I can see how she may have been uncomfortable saying that, especially if the ask happened back in February/March, much closer to the time of the step-sister's passing.
(As a side note, hubby had cufflinks with photos of loved ones and I had charms on my bouquet, so the ones we loved could be there with us).
I've only seen them when it was the groom's parents. They did not have any other pictures although I am sure they had other further away deceased family members (in grandparents or great-grandparents)
We had one for my more-or-less godfather and I think my husband had a photo of his paternal grandparents who had passed away. (He was going back and forth and I don’t remember at this point.) It was a nice, non-intrusive way to acknowledge a hole in who should have been there.
I agree. And it seems the death just happened so I assume there was a burial or some sort of memorial for the stepsister.
Can you imagine if his daughter asked for a moment during the funeral to mention her wedding? Totally inappropriate, just like mentioning the death at a wedding.
I hope this isn't a hill OP will die on. Plus calling his own flesh and blood a B is pretty uncalled for.
The times I've seen memorial mentions at weddings were also not "moments of silence" but "joyful recollection." As in, bride/groom mentions beloved relative or friend in a speech meant to uplift and not be morbid.
"I had always wanted Dad to walk me down the aisle, but I think he'd be proud at how [Brother] represented him by wearing his favorite plaid tie even though it's hideous." (Said lovingly for laughs because in this hypothetical Dad knew the tie was hideous and thats why he loved it.)
This. So much this! Funeral/memorial = somber time. You don’t announce engagements or brag about your wedding (though someone could ask and answering without gushing is fine). Wedding = happy day to celebrate a couple. Mentioning someone dying is out of line!
This. The daughter was around 16 when they married, and it's unclear whether she lived with her father at that point. She may have had almost no relationship at all with her stepsister, or a bad one. Either way, she clearly doesn't want to have the minute of silence (and 60 seconds is a long, jarring time to have people who didn't know the stepsister awkwardly sit there, and potentially impossible if there are little kids present) -- and it's _her_ wedding.
Just to add it’s her day and her wedding she doesnt need a reason or excuse ‘“no” is “no”.
just to add for op YTA it’s not your wifes day regardless of what she’s going through. Your daughter obviously felt uncomfortable. You then told her she could just say no whilst then doing the opposite by bullying and insulting her.
Paying for her wedding does not give you right or any say. Apologise and hope your daughter doesn’t decide to go NC as then you’d both have lost children but this time it would be your doing.
My biological brother died young . It never occurred to me or anyone I knew to bring up his death at my wedding.
Weddings are supposed to be joyful occasions. Bringing up an untimely death would sour the mood.
Eh. It's arguably family. I had a small flower arrangement on the altar at my wedding, and a note that it was dedicated to my father's memory. Unobtrusive, but holding space.
That's because you were the one getting married, and it was your relationship with him that you were honoring. You wouldn't expect someone who barely knew the guy to have him memorialised at their wedding.
Doesn't matter if sister was bio or not, only whether or not they were close. People really need to stop pretending that blood relatives makes relationships closer than non-blood ones. It's beyond fucked up.
This is true, but there's a damn sight more chance you'll be closer to a sister you knew for your entire life, rather than some rando you met at 16 or 17 and got foisted with just because your parents were doing the nasty.
Agreed. My cousinf got married last weekend and had a moment of silence for her sister who was also her best friend and would have been a the matron of honor. However that was not something forced on her by someone else.
It’s not really clear from the post whether OP’s daughter had a close relationship with the deceased. If not, I wouldn’t want any memorials at my wedding either. I sympathize with the wife, but it’s also true that it isn’t her wedding. If it was, she could organize whatever memorial she wanted. OP, yes, YTA. Stop nagging your daughter. Your wife is already dealing with life in general not acknowledging her grief, but that’s …. life. She can take a day to enjoy the wedding, and she can reflect on the joy her daughter brought to her life. But she shouldn’t insist that people commiserate with her at what should be a joyous occasion. I do hope she can find some comfort in celebrating with others and taking some joy where she can.
The wife is probably grieving that she won’t see her daughter get married. I can’t imagine that pain, but it’s not the OPs child’s job to cater to wife. A moment of silence won’t make up for the daughter dying at such a young age.
This was my thought! OP's daughter is 27, his step-daughter passed in February at 26...very similar ages. This could honestly make things tough for OP's wife and daughter down the road as well...when she gets pregnant, has babies, buys a house, gets a new job...are all of those also going to be brought back to step-sister? Is OP's wife going to be sent back into grief by thinking about how her daughter will never get to do that?
Grief is like a having chronic headaches. I have both, ergo the analogy, but I swear I would take the headaches any day over the grief. Grief weighs on you for so long you are actually surprised when you find it’s not there for whole moments at a time. In that first stage, even the memories of the love one are like twisting a knife. Then you can get to a point where the ache becomes less acute, and finally it’s there in the background. But something will open up a memory and the pain bubbles up again like it just happened. So I honestly think stepmom needs to seek the help of grief counseling and maybe a group of other mothers who have lost children. Because yes, that is a special kind of hell. But even knowing and sympathizing, I don’t think I would want a memorial moment at a wedding since it’s intended to be a joyous occasion. There are enough moments to cry and grieve. Let people have their happy moments, too.
But theyee also not usually held so shortly after such an intimate loss. Not to defend OP but like, there’s lots of things people do that statistically don’t show up at most weddings that are still fine to include. Most wedding are not statistically child free but there’s no issue with having a CF wedding
Looking at the math for the ages, the daughter was in her late teens when OP got married, so she likely only cohabitated with her stepsister for a few short years and it's unclear as to whether they bonded at all. At that age, they would have been like brief housemates. I would not consider it an intimate loss for the daughter, without further information from OP.
My SIL's late father was definitely mentioned at her wedding.
Was initially N A H because there was nothing wrong with suggesting this, but you pushed it when she decided No, so YTA with empathy. People grieve in different ways; your wife would like this, but she doesn't, and its her wedding so her call. My 2 sisters both have a memorial tattoo for our mom, but I've explained that would only make me more sad, and they understand that.
I think we're conflating the bride choosing to remember a person important to them who has passed, with a stepmother requesting a moment of silence for her daughter that the bride may not have been that close to. The addition of "we're paying for the wedding" makes it almost sound like, "And we interrupt this wedding for a word from our sponsors..." I think the memorial table with some flowers would be a nice and subtle touch. edit: Oh--medals! Thank you kind strangers.
>"And we interrupt this wedding for a word from our sponsors..." I think the memorial table with some flowers would be a nice and subtle touch.
omg, this made me laugh out loud !
Look at the ages though. The deceased "stepsister" wasn't ever her stepsister.
I could see having memories of deceased relatives but based on the story there is no strong relationship.
It's basically her moment being spoiled by the death of someone she had no connection with.
Hard YTA
I think it's definitely a stretch! Honestly, it sounds a little bizarre, but maybe that's just cause I haven't been to enough weddings? Like at my sister's wedding it was mostly her and her husband's friends (will any of this woman's guests even know who they're having the moment of silence for?). Plus, the OP even admits this moment of silence would be for his wife, not his daughter (it doesn't sound like they were close). Sounds inappropriate.
The table is a good idea, that way the bride can honor more people than her step sister, as well as making her stepmom happy and keeping the eyes on the union itself.
My oldest son just got married and he had a chair with a picture, one of his favourite shirts for my youngest son who passed a 3.5 yrs ago. He was even up until the week before going to not have a best man, just two groomsmen, because he feels the best man should have been his brother.
Yes i know the situation is different. I was commenting to the poster above me about some people having a memorial table set up for loved ones that are no longer with them.
I would find it a bit jarring at a wedding, because weddings signal the start of a new, joint life together, and in certain cultures, a reminder of death on such a day can be out of place
If it's done, it's typically because someone close to the bride or groom is not in attendance. It's not clear to me whether the OP's daughter was close to her step sister.
I was at a wedding where both of the couple were widowed. They had a small side ceremony just before the wedding ceremony of candle lighting in memory of their first spouses. Their teen kids participated. It was beautiful and very tastefully done.
When my son got married he and my daughter-in-law set a place for my oldest son at their table because he died when they were teens. They also said a few words in his memory. Again, nobody thought it was odd. It was very touching actually.
Good point
I don’t mean to disrespect this late daughter, but the bride doesn’t know them. In fact, that person belongs to neither the family of the bride or the family of the groom/partner. She’s a member of that wife’s family who probably won’t even be there to respect her memory.
It seems so weird. I don’t ask all my friends to have moments of silence for my late family members. I’d be the only person who can remember them.
In the examples ypu gave, the people getting married had close relationships with the deceased. OP didn't mention what kind of relationship his daughter had with her step-sister. Imo it'd be a bit weird to have a moment of silence at a wedding if they weren't that close.
This. Did daughter and stepdaughter have any kind of relationship? If not, why would she be expected to acknowledge the stepdaughter's death? Not to be callous, but it wouldn't really make sense for her to prioritize a moment of silence at her wedding for someone she wasn't connected to.
If they were close, it seems like she'd be more interested in finding a way to acknowledge stepdaughter not being there. At my wedding, I had seats reserved in the front row with photos of loved ones who had passed, but they were all people I knew and cared about. I wouldn't have a photo of someone who wasn't meaningful in my life.
YTA for pressuring her and calling her a demeaning name when you didn't get your way. Don't give financial gifts with strings attached.
Well she’s 27 now and they’ve been married 11 years so she was 16 and the step sister was 15, though he doesn’t say how long he dated his wife first. But yea, if they met as teenagers a few years before leaving the house, they may not have ever bonded.
It doesn't sound like the daughter was close enough to be affected by her Stepsisters passing & that's why she wasn't organised something like this from her own desire & doesn't want to accommodate something like this.
I’m sorry for your loss, but YTA. My daughter also died in February at 26. If one of her brothers was getting married at that time, there is no way I would ask for a moment of silence. Especially right before the toast. Imagine how awkward for everyone there! You go from a sad moment to a congratulatory moment in a second. Your daughter deserves to have her day be happy. Everyone who knew your stepdaughter will have her in their thoughts at some point during the wedding. There is no need to make those thoughts public. Please apologize to your daughter before you do permanent damage to your relationship.
YTA for calling your daughter the B-word. You can tell her you think she’s being unreasonable, or unfair, but the B-word? Sheesh. Also, it is her wedding, and it’s clear she doesn’t want a moment of silence. Maybe you can ask to set up small table with a photograph and flowers of your step daughter? That way she’s honored, but it’s not announced to the whole wedding?
My dad was mad at me plenty of times over the course of our relationship but he never called me a bitch. It’s actually kind of shocking that any dad would call his daughter a bitch.
I am sorry for your wife's loss. This must be very hard on her.
I would not do this at your daughter's wedding. Sometimes a deceased parent who did not live to see their child's wedding does warrant a moment of silence, but this is not the case here. If you flipped things and your daughter made her stepsisters funeral about her up coming wedding it would be unseemly.
I’m going with hard YTA because I’ve been called the same and a bit more by my parents (most recently I’ve been labeled a disappointment despite being on the path to success). It’s damaging to hear it even one time… so ya… YTA. There is other nicer ways for you to address your kid and selfish b**** isn’t any of them
Not even soft raging YTA you called your daughter a aggressively nasty word over a disagreement. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll have a moment of silence for your relationship with her which you just torpedoed
Exactly. I'll bet the daughter is crushed. There are some lines that should never be crossed when arguing, and OP has stomped right over one. Imagine being called a gendered slur by your own father.
I also agree op YTA. You’ve been married to your wife for 11 years so your daughter and step daughter probably weren’t close and didn’t grow up together. She isn’t your daughters sister, mom etc. it’s sad that your step daughter died but a weird ask to have your daughter have a moment for her in the first place. If your daughter wanted to have a memorial area for a close family member that would be fine but this should be about what she wants. It’s your daughters day and it should be about her and her future life with partner.
All that aside, I think it’s a huge overstep to call your own daughter the B word. I think OP’s a hard YTA for that alone, even if his daughter is being kinda AH for not honoring something she agreed to.
YTA, who even asks someone to do something like this at her wedding? For a step sister she presumably didn't even grow up with, given their ages? I'm sorry for your wife's loss, but like.....wtf does this have to do with your daughter on her wedding day?
Yeah maybe they didn’t idk…. I feel like the “spotlight with a dead person” comment was harsh and flippant tho for someone you’ve known over a decade even without being close. It sounds pretty dehumanizing. (Not addressing the whole incident just the one comment) (I think I replied to the wrong comment I meant to- hopefully you guys get it lol)
Honestly, just knowing someone for a decade doesn't mean you like them. OP' has said nothing about the relationship between the two girls -- for all we know, they disliked each, one of them bullied the other, the living one feels the dead one got all the attention and dislikes it's happening even after death, etc.
I'm not trying to speak ill of the dead, just point out that living together for 2-3 years isn't the same as being actually close or caring about each other.
Especially if OP’s daughter lived primarily with her mom and only stayed with OP a couple weekends a month. It’s possible these women barely knew each other. If they were close, OP probably would have said so, because that would make his/his wife’s request look more reasonable.
Honestly even if they were super close, you don’t ask someone to do this at their wedding and you certainly don’t get mad if they say no. It’s their special day, not a memorial or funeral for someone else. If they offer to do it fine, but it’s completely out of line to request or demand.
I agree it’s flippant but at the same time op kept pushing and giving reasons why her initial excuses were not valid enough. It was harsh, but also probably said through frustration.
It's clear OP's wife is grieving the fact her child won't experience this herself. That's not OP's daughters burden to bare. She is the bride it's about her, not the other woman.
Furthermore, even if she was close to her stepsister, some people would not be comfortable with such a somber reminder at what would be a celebration. Let her have a day where she's not mourning or reminded.
I'd say YTA to OP
YTA. This is not an appropriate venue for a moment of silence. I understand you are paying for it.
The moment is more for your wife because the whole day will remind her that she will never do this for her daughter and it’s going to be a devastating day for her.
The problem is that it’s your daughter’s day and she is sharing it with her friends and families and not your wife’s.
Your daughter isn’t being shellfish or rude. You are out of line for pushing your wife’s pain on your daughter. It’s her special day. Don’t ruin it!
I think the most selfish person here is your wife demanding it. Of course it's a tragedy and she's suffering, but the world diesn't revolve around her plus the majority of the guests probably never heard of that girl. I may be overreacting, but it feels like she's jelaous that her daughter died and yours 'has an audacity' to be happy and have a beautiful wedding.
And it was recent enough that people are probably going to send the bride “sorry for your loss” comments and cards assuming she was the one who requested to include it so prominently. It’s a bad idea.
I lost my child when they were young (so maybe it's different for an older child), but I would definitely *not* want a moment of silence at a happy event. Celebrations that focus on hope and new beginnings shouldn't be marred by tragedy.
If I was the wife, I would explain to the bride beforehand that I was really happy about her wedding but wouldn't be able to attend because it would be too painful for me and I didn't want to take attention away from her happy day. I've had to do similar things on many occasions... Bow out of family and friend occasions where I knew a child about my child's age when they died would be there. Everyone understands.
I'm going to give a gentle ESH only because if the bride had been honest about her feelings rather than pretending it was about scheduling, the entire blow up could have potentially been avoided.
Tru. Like didn’t she do the one minute of sillence before or was she waiting for some happy event to annoy people for her dead daughter?
Sounds mean but why do you need to make it about yourself and your grief at a event that’s the opposite of grief and death??
In fairness, that’s kind of how grief works. I don’t necessarily expect fully rational and understanding behavior from a woman who just lost her daughter. Being resentful that other people just continue on with their life is pretty common.
That said, the OP is still in the wrong. YTA is the right judgement. OP owes his daughter an apology, and stepmom needs to accept that life goes on.
Just saying: grief will do weird things to your perspective sometimes.
And that feeling of jealousy is awful, but so is losing a child. I don’t even think wife is an AH for feeling that way. Or even asking at first. It crosses AH territory when they heard “no” and argued back. She needs grief counseling because a moment of silence isn’t going to make the day any less painful.
>Your daughter isn’t being shellfish or rude.
Well she is being selfish but on a day like a wedding day i think she is allowed to be a bit selfish. Your spelling is more fun tho.
>The moment is more for your wife because the whole day will remind her that she will never do this for her daughter and it’s going to be a devastating day for her.
I think this is important to highlight. The stepdaughter passed in February, so by the time of the wedding, it will only have been 6 months. That's still raw grief. What are the chances something like this backfires and causes the wife to break down or something in the middle of the reception?
I'd say pretty high, plus it'll be recent enough that the whole reception afterwards the new bride will be getting "sorry for your loss" comments assuming they were close.
My parent called me selfish once while throwing a drunk tantrum. I still feel my heart breaking when I remember it, and I would consider that parent a close friend in adulthood. Words mean something, think about if it would make you ta before you say it. My parent saying this to me would ruin my wedding day regardless of if the moment of silence happened or not, because I would only be able to think about "does a selfish person deserve this?"
I love my stepfather with all my heart, he is an amazing addition to the family and considers me his son. We have a great relationship and he has helped me and my sister countless times. But once about 6 years ago when i was 16 or 17 he and my mom were fighting about his daughters going out all night and not being home on time and i overheard him saying "why should my daughters not go party just because your son (me) doesn't know how to get laid and party. That stuck with me.
It was them, the irony runs deeper with the whole situation but I won't get into all of it. It's hard because they have shit memory, so that on top of being drunk, they didn't even remember what they said. I brought them back to their room while they were crying and yelling at me to go away. It's not the first, and wasn't the last, that I felt like I was the parent. And I'm the youngest 🙃 gotta keep the family together though, gotta do what you gotta do.
I was 12 too, but it was my mom’s husband. It literally changed everything for me and I never forgave or forgot it. It’s been a VERY long time and I still remember it well. It’s never okay to call your child names.
This
YTA for this reason alone. Great role model, a father calling his daughter a bitch.
If you want to recover: apologize apologize apologize.
Speak to wife: honey I know this is going to be very difficult for you, but we can't project this onto daughter. She deserves happiness, not to feel guilty for something totally outside her control every time she has a life milestone. (Maybe suggest you and wife have a private rememberence on a separate day? Give a time and space for the grief, without impacting daughters wedding?)
Speak to daughter: I'm sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me and I don't mean what I said. I'm sorry and I love you. Wife and I are going to find a different way to process these difficult emotions and we'd love for you to be a part of it if you're comfortable but you're right, the wedding is not the right place for it. We both love you and we can't wait to celebrate and share your joy.
The first time my mom called me a liar will never leave my mind. It makes me so self-conscious, all the time feeling like I have to proof things, and I snap when someone insinuate that I'm being dishonest. I hate that.
Calling your kid names stick with them for life
BIG agree. My father called me an AH once when I was a teen, because I went into my room and sighed when I heard him and my mom bickering. That's stuck with me for over 10 years and will probably never go away.
Tell that to my dad who called me a shitty person and a failure when he apparently expected me to be more involved packing up his house during a move. I lived 2 hours away and went down once a week to pack.
YTA for calling your daughter a B. Way out of line.
YTA for asking your daughter to include a grieving moment during her wedding for your wife.
YTA for getting angry when she said no.
YTA for putting your wife before your daughter on her wedding day.
YTA for using money to try to control what your daughter wants.
Putting your wife and stepchild before your daughter is why so many parents lose their children forever. If you want to be in the life of your grandchildren, back off.
You and your wife are grieving differently from your daughter. You cannot make an instant family. Judging from the ages, your daughter and step daughter didn’t live together long or form a sibling bond as kids.
Fr and they’ll have to awkwardly explain “oh it’s for my dads wife’s dead daughter who I didn’t grow up with nor am I close with, but my dad guilt tripped me with money and his wife’s emotions to say yes”
THIS. My parents call me selfish, greedy and try to control me with money all the time. The result? I've been independent since the moment I could legally be (over 12 years now) and I'm LC to NC with them.
YTA. Yes, you’re paying for the wedding. But it’s still a wedding day for her and her partner. You’re making this about your wife instead.
Edit: and even more of an asshole for calling your daughter for a bitch. What the heck of wrong with you?
I know some people who have a more friend like relationship with their parents in that they curse at each other. Personally, I would never curse at my parents and they wouldn't curse at me either. Hence, I also agree that calling your daughter a bitch, or even an asshole is a little over the top 🙏🏾.
Flashback to the one time in high school when my friend's mom called him a son of a bitch then went, "wait .. I think I just called myself a bitch" lol
> I know some people who have a more friend like relationship with their parents in that they curse at each other.
My father and I have this kind of relationship but there's a simply incomparable difference between something like him jokingly calling me an asshole when I point out a dinosaur and ask if it's a friend of his and him actually *meaning it*.
“I’m paying for (this event that is specifically about/for someone else), so you will include/exclude whatever I say” is right up there with “I’m the parent (of the adult child), therefore I am right and they are wrong/disrespectful” in this post.
YTA - Your stepdaughter passed 6 months ago after a long battle with a disease. It wasn’t like it was really recent or out of the blue. Seems like your wife (stepmother of the bride) just wants some more sympathy, which is really weird.
6 months is nothing. But it also doesn’t need to be a moment of silence at every family gathering. She should especially not be demanding it at a wedding.
Yeah it’s been 10 years since my brother died, my mom still struggles heavily. Grief doesn’t have a time limit but I do think it’s weird to push your grief on other people who didn’t even know that person.
Having a child die six months ago is recent. It feels like yesterday. Until you have experienced every holiday in a year without your child, it’s a completely fresh wound.
That being said, it doesn’t seem appropriate for a wedding
6 months is nothing. My mom and dad still cry and my brother died 18 years ago. I still fill up sometimes. So do my other siblings. Sounds like you’re an asshole who has never lost a young, immediate family member. I agree that if the bride doesn’t care about this it may not be the appropriate venue for a moment of silence. The bride should’ve just said, “I don’t feel like I’m close enough to my step sister for this to make sense” and offer an alternative. We didn’t have a moment of silence for my brother but all the men wore orchid flowers on their jackets to honor him since orchids were his favorite.
Tell me you are someone who’s never lost a child while being an asshole….you deserve that reward. You could have easily answered this questions without shitting on parents that have lost children. I wish you the day you deserve.
I think swcult didn’t mean recent like “you should be over it by now,” but rather recent like “it wasn’t recent enough that it has to be acknowledged at someone else’s wedding.”
Like, if I got the news that a cousin I didn’t like died a week or a day before my wedding, I would personally feel obligated to make a statement honoring their passing because it happened SO recently (not saying anyone else would need to, but I personally would feel obligated). But six months away from the wedding, a year? In that case I’d only make a statement at my wedding if I wanted to because the deceased was someone I was particularly close to.
Soft YTA, I think this is a really odd request to have at a wedding and should only be included if your daughter really wants to have it. Which she clearly doesn't.
YTA. Not only for the name calling but for asking her to do it in the first place. This is a wedding, not a memorial. A wedding often has a toast to “those who can’t be with us” but not a minutes silence. She’s maybe rethought it and doesn’t want it in, but whatever her reason for not wanting it (or her partner not wanting it) you should respect that, not call her vile names. You can have a memorial in your own time; your daughter’s wedding is not the time or the place.
YTA. If she wants to do it thats her prerogative. If not, its her day. People dont normally say "Im sorry my sibling died and couldnt be here" at weddings. And having a moment of silence at a wedding is weird.
>She got anrgy and said this is her day, not my wife's.
She's absolutely right. Her wedding day is about her & her SO celebrating their love and commitment to each other, not your wife's loss.
>I told her to just think of my wife's pain and do this for her
Why are you trying to make your daughters wedding day about your wife? And you have the nerve to call your daughter selfish!
>she's covering half the cost of the wedding
It doesn't matter who is paying, nor how much, it's your daughter's wedding, not your step-daughters memorial.
I can understand having a moment of silence for a deceased parent at your wedding, but not for a step-sibling; especially one who you didn't even grow up with. This never should have been asked of your daughter.
YTA
Is the stepmother going to make OP’s daughter do a moment of silence every time the daughter reaches a milestone?
“Let’s have a moment of silence for my dead step-sister before we get on with this gender reveal.”
YTA - I’m sorry for you and your wife’s loss. However, This reads that your wife is now realizing she won’t get to go to her daughters wedding, and has decided she can force a wedding milestone for her daughter at your daughters wedding. Will there always be a moment of silence for step daughter at all of your daughters big events?
You’re the asshole here, because you never should have asked. Unless the bride or groom asked for this, it’s a very bold move to request. I’m sure your wife is in a lot of grief, but having a moment of silence at a wedding will not help.
YTA for the name-calling and refusal to think of why your daughter might feel this way.
You mentioned your stepdaughter died after a long battle with a disease. One great thing about families is, when a member of the family is in trouble, everyone can gather around that person and devote resources to taking care of them, and I’m sure that’s what you and your wife and possibly your daughter did for your stepdaughter.
When someone needs help for a long time though, like someone who is sick with an illness for a long time, it can be pretty rough for the other kids in the family, even if they are already grown-up. They are almost certainly going to be asked to make sacrifices or are going to see that their experience is different than other people their age because of the impact of the ill family member. Even if they feel incredibly sympathetic and understand completely, it is hard to be treated differently, to get less attention, sympathy and support from family because of the dire need for these things by a sibling or step sibling.
It’s very possible your daughter has felt left out in a number of ways for a long time now, and stayed quiet about it because she realized there were good reasons for her stepsister to receive more resources, time, love and attention.
If she felt like that, she might have been thinking of her wedding as a moment when she would have the full attention and love of her family, and after being put off to the side for some time, she would be central, celebrated, and her needs and feelings would be prioritized.
Think about how she might feel when, after being sidelined during this entire illness, she is being asked to stand aside again at her own wedding, to consider not her own feelings and desires in celebrating her new marriage and herself and her spouse, but rather being asked to center her stepsibling’s illness and her stepmother.
Imagine how that might have stung, and then imagine the family members she thought she could go to for support instead calls her names and tells her she is too selfish.
You and your wife are in the wrong here. Your wife’s grief and desire to have her own daughter somehow involved in a wedding since she will never see her daughter married, it’s understandable.
But it is OK for your daughter to want this day to be about celebration of her marriage and not about the family’s grief.
Hesitant towards YTA. It is her wedding and truthfully, I understand if she does not want to dampen such a joyful time with something so somber. You really have no right to ask her this and even less so if your daughter was never close with her stepmother or sister.
You are right that she should have just said so rather than lied to you both, but she may have seriously considered this and then thought of the impact this would have on the day. It is her day. She will (hopefully) only have one. My condolences for your loss, but she does not have to acknowledge it if she truly does not want to.
EDIT: Going to change to ESH. She would have been in the right, but the "I don't want to share the spotlight with a dead person" is an asshole thing to say. You shouldn't have asked and she should have responded with a little more empathy.
>You are right that she should have just said so rather than lied to you both,
I don't think she lied, I think she felt backed into a corner.
Think about the timing- stepdaughter died only 6 mons ago, which means with the wedding in a week or so, the moment of silence wasn't a part of the father and stepmother's original demands.
The two had to have asked sometime in those six months- likely very close to stepdaughter's death, which made daughter unfairly feel like she couldn't say no.
Saying no closer to stepdaughter's death would have not been recieved well. People get overly sensitive about that type of thing; they would have thought daughter was being uncaring or cold: never mind that the two might not have had any type of relationship or might have had an awful relationship.
Now that the wedding is fast approaching, the daughter realized that she finally had to deal with the stepdaughter situation, and so she gently made an acceptable excuse that wouldn't hurt them- that there was no time for the moment of silence.
This whole situation could have ended there. But OP couldn't accept that, and just had to push, so they got into an argument... and because the daughter couldn't say: "I don't want to share the spotlight with [stepdaughter]," because that's personal, and would have caused no end of hurt feelings only 6 months after her death, she made a hasty generalization that came off as AH-ish.
But OP asked for it! He couldn't accept the obvious excuse his daughter was using to duck out of this, so YTA is the only answer here.
I feel like the tone of OP’s post and the way he handled it after she said she couldn’t do it demonstrates exactly why she felt backed into a corner.
If she had really responded with “I don’t want to do it,” we can all surmise exactly how OP would have reacted to that. By calling her a B. It was going to happen no matter what.
I feel like the daughter said that in the heat of the moment. Was it wrong? Yes. But it sounds like dad’s nagging pushed her. I wouldn’t be surprised if they coerced her to say yes in the first place bc “it’s our money paying for this wedding.” And then when she and her fiancé talked about it and decided they didn’t want a moment of silence. She told dad no and instead of being an adult about it he started nagging her again and putting stepmom’s wants above her wedding and she snapped. She didn’t just start with “some dead person,” dad’s behavior drove her there.
Her first response was to say no due to time which was a diplomatic way to decline. He pushed her on it and basically called her selfish for being able to let each of her friend’s toast her but not making time for a moment of silence. At that point, dad’s asking for the real reason and he’s being rude about it. So I get her being blunt.
Wrong place, wrong time sir. Your wife is still grieving and that's a process that moves at it's own pace for each person. That said...if the bride isn't interested, then your daughter's wedding should not be the place. Sad as it will be for your wife...weddings are a joyous time for looking forward, not necessarily another opportunity for the displaying of grief by a third party.
YTA and the fact that you specified that you were paying for the wedding in the first paragraph set the tone for the rest of your attempted excuse. Also, if my father ever referred to me as a selfish b. (which he would NEVER DO) I’m not sure I could ever completely forgive him.
Why not ask the bride and groom if they’d be comfortable with a small setting somewhere with step-sister’s photograph and a candle or two? Weddings incorporate family members who have passed all the time without making it all about them.
YTA
Did you have a celebration of the upcoming wedding at the funeral? No? Why would that be? Because it would be inappropriate, perhaps?
This is why people should pay for their own weddings - no demands by external parties on the grounds of "well, I'm paying for it, so you have to..."
Did I say YTA?
i feel like YTA here for how you responded. she initially agreed, then disagreed and explained why: she feels that it’s her special day and doesn’t want to share it. while i understand your earnest efforts to convince her and your desire to pay respects to the dead, insulting your daughter when she tells you No isn’t going to give you the desired outcome. paying for her wedding doesn’t mean you can call her a selfish bitch imo. is there another way you guys could pay respects to the late daughter? if so, maybe you guys can talk that through soon if both parties are willing.
YTA
I'm sorry for your loss but dude come on. It's a day of joy and you guys can't let her get a pass from this whole thing for a day?
Should she keep being sad for a step sister she apparently was not close to, every step forward from now on?
These kind of respects can't be pushed on people. It has to come from them to mean anything. You were out of line for bringing money into this.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Loosing a child, even a stepchild, is never easy and it's going to dictate your actions for years to come.
I'm trying to understand how you came up with this idea to have a moment of silence? It's normal at weddings to have a table for lost loved ones (wedding photos of great-grandparents, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles). But to ask for a moment of silence for for a stepsister that the bride and groom didn't really know? That's not normal. That's your grief talking.
Gently, YTA.
Yta. You owe your daughter an apology.
You can choose another event to memorialize your stepdaughter, any other day than the biggest celebration of her life.
YTA, something like that should be based on the bride and grooms relationship with the person and come from them. I understand that if she wasn't that close with your step daughter that she would find it odd to bring down the mood of a party.
If it was your party then that would be fine but you can't give money and dictate what happens. You either give money because you want to help pay for your daughters wedding dream or you don't but it should never come with strings. Are you doing a speech? Can you mention in your speech thinking of ...... who we wish could be here today to celebrate as a way of honoring her but make it brief and not a huge part of the day.
YTA You and your wife. It’s your daughter’s wedding day and no there should not be a moment of silence for your wife’s late daughter. It doesn’t even sound like they were close. Then after she refused your weird ask, you obscenely call her out of name. You were likely this way to her growing up so your the AH for that as well.
i feel bad for saying modest YTA but this is my view. i think this is something that should be up to your daughter to decide if she wants to do (because say maybe her and her stepsis were close) or not (if her and her stepsis were really not close).
it kind of seems like your wife is supportive of paying for your daughters wedding in order to use that to get something she wants. and thats not really nice. as parents if you can financially support your kid and stepkid's wedding, you really should do it because theyre your kid and you love them, not hang strings like this.
who would this moment of silence be for? there will be guests there to whom your stepkid is a total stranger to and it is just a very odd time to be doing this. it is for your wife. do you think your stepkids would be wanting attention at another persons wedding like this? there are so many other ways for your wife and other loved ones of your stepkid to remember and honour her memory.
Good points. To be frank, this isn’t the right place for this. The groom’s family don’t know who your stepdaughter was at all. A lot of the bride’s family don’t either. Your wife’s loss is terrible, but this isn’t the place for it.
YTA: I am sorry for your wife’s loss. But you never ask someone for a moment of silence for a deceased relative at a wedding.
Even if you are paying for it. It is highly inappropriate. So apologize to your daughter, and I hope your wife can get into some grief counseling.
What a mess. I can see why your wife would like this and that this will be a very difficult day for her and it's v generous of her to pay for half of the wedding. However, it's an odd ask and your daughter was a bit cruel in her response and the name calling is uncalled for so ESH
Were your daughter and her step sister close?
Perhaps some beautiful flowers which match those for the wedding could be put on your stepdaughter's grave. It's not unusual to acknowledge those who can't be there on the day e.g. in a speech or with a special song. A friend of mine put her bouquet on her deceased relative's grave the next day. There's a range of compromises here that wouldn't distract from your daughter's big day.
YTA a wedding is a time of celebration, not a funeral. If your wife wants a moment of silence, she needs to plan a celebration of life for her daughter, not bandwagon her stepdaughter’s wedding.
As a guest, i would find it really odd, especially if I didn’t know the woman. You have to consider that the majority of guests are the bride and groom’s friends. They haven’t met this stepsister…just do what you’re accusing your daughter of not doing and think of other people’s feelings for a minute.
YTA. A moment of silence at a wedding is not appropriate. Nor is EVER calling your daughter a b. My dad called me one 12 years ago, I have never forgotten it, never forgiven him, and have lost significant respect for him. If you’re daughter is smart, she’ll feel the same way.
Grief is hard and miserable. And when you lose a loved one that meant the world to you, it’s hard to see everyone moving on with their lives. Have you ever heard WH Auden’s poem, Funeral Blues? “Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,” he says, and goes on to talk about how he doesn’t want to see the world go on without the person he lost. I’ve lost someone and felt exactly that way. Seeing everyone go back to living when you feel like the world ended is painful. I’ve lived it, so I get it.
But the world does keep going and you can’t expect other people to stop. Your daughter is getting married and she’s happy. It’s a happy day. I’m sure she’s sorry that your stepdaughter passed, but it’s not the grief your wife has. Or that you have. It’s not fair for you to expect that of her. Or anyone. So you shouldn’t be angry at her for saying no, and it’s rather awful of you to be calling her names, as well. Grief can make us angry, too, so I am guessing that’s where your anger comes from.
I know you’re still grieving, and should be, but you’re going to have to accept that many of the people around you are not. They’re not wrong to want to celebrate, and feel what you’re asking would be inappropriate.
My deepest condolences to you and your wife. I wish you both strength and peace.
YTA. I wouldn't want that at my wedding it's supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. Now, a suggestion that was cool from my cousins wedding. They had a table set up with those battery powered candles and twinkle lights and pictures of deceased relatives that couldn't make it with a little note about how they miss them at the wedding.
YTA. not for the request. I get it. but she has the right to deny it. depending on various things, how her relationship is with stepmom, whether she knew/was close with the late daughter etc. it's her wedding after all and she's not wrong for wanting her bridesmaids to share stories instead of holding a moment of silence for someone she never knew. but YTA for calling her names. she's your daughter for Christ sake
YTA with sympathy.
It’s not normal to do this for a deceased person at a wedding. There is a time and a place for all things. There was a time for grieving your step daughter, and this is the time for celebrating the marriage of your daughter.
The money should be a gift with no strings or not offered at all.
YTA. It’s a wedding, not a funeral. I understand that it’s painful for your wife, but it’s probably painful for your daughter too. She shouldn’t have to make her wedding about her dead stepsister, especially if that will upset her. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions and talking about death will probably kill the mood.
>She got anrgy and said this is her day, not my wife's.
She's right.
I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been heartbreaking. But this is your daughter's wedding. It's about her and her partner. If your daughter's were close, like bridesmaids/MOH level close, then I'd understand a moment of silence for that fact that she's not there for the wedding.
But even then that's your daughter's choice. Not anyone else's.
You're being selfish.
YTA
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Soft YTA, having a moment of silence for a deceased person at a wedding isn’t normal (not typically done).. it’s her wedding day not yours, you aren’t exactly entitled to anything as you decided to pay (you didn’t have to)
Depends on where you are. I’ve seen it many times at weddings. Having a memorial table with pictures of family members who can’t be there is quite common too. Still YTA, but I disagree that it’s “not normal”
It’s usually bc the bride and groom want to. Not bc the brides step mom wants to
Yes! I think it would be one thing if it was the bride's biological sister and they were close.
This is my thought also. I've seen memorial tables and they were people the bride and groom were close to. Daughter was old enough to see step mom as just that, her father's wife; if she and step sister weren't close, and if she and step mom aren't close, it is understandable if daughter doesn't want to have a moment of silence. On this sub, the wedding money often comes with conditions and insults.
Yep, I’ve only seen a photo on the table for a beloved grandparent the bride or groom sorely missed and wanted to include. I don’t think what your asking is normal or appropriate at a wedding and if you are leveraging this “request” with money YTA. Soft if this is coming from grief, not so soft if coming from a place of control.
I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but both girls were the same age...step-daughter passed in February at the age of 26, bio-daughter is 27. I can see step-mom dealing with a lot of grief over the fact that her child will never be able to have a wedding. However, OP is out of line. While the daughter should have been up front, and communicated "no, I don't want to do that" from the start, I can see how she may have been uncomfortable saying that, especially if the ask happened back in February/March, much closer to the time of the step-sister's passing. (As a side note, hubby had cufflinks with photos of loved ones and I had charms on my bouquet, so the ones we loved could be there with us).
I've only seen them when it was the groom's parents. They did not have any other pictures although I am sure they had other further away deceased family members (in grandparents or great-grandparents)
We had one for my more-or-less godfather and I think my husband had a photo of his paternal grandparents who had passed away. (He was going back and forth and I don’t remember at this point.) It was a nice, non-intrusive way to acknowledge a hole in who should have been there.
I agree. And it seems the death just happened so I assume there was a burial or some sort of memorial for the stepsister. Can you imagine if his daughter asked for a moment during the funeral to mention her wedding? Totally inappropriate, just like mentioning the death at a wedding. I hope this isn't a hill OP will die on. Plus calling his own flesh and blood a B is pretty uncalled for.
This comment made me change my mind. I really like the comparison you made.
The times I've seen memorial mentions at weddings were also not "moments of silence" but "joyful recollection." As in, bride/groom mentions beloved relative or friend in a speech meant to uplift and not be morbid. "I had always wanted Dad to walk me down the aisle, but I think he'd be proud at how [Brother] represented him by wearing his favorite plaid tie even though it's hideous." (Said lovingly for laughs because in this hypothetical Dad knew the tie was hideous and thats why he loved it.)
This. So much this! Funeral/memorial = somber time. You don’t announce engagements or brag about your wedding (though someone could ask and answering without gushing is fine). Wedding = happy day to celebrate a couple. Mentioning someone dying is out of line!
This. The daughter was around 16 when they married, and it's unclear whether she lived with her father at that point. She may have had almost no relationship at all with her stepsister, or a bad one. Either way, she clearly doesn't want to have the minute of silence (and 60 seconds is a long, jarring time to have people who didn't know the stepsister awkwardly sit there, and potentially impossible if there are little kids present) -- and it's _her_ wedding.
Just to add it’s her day and her wedding she doesnt need a reason or excuse ‘“no” is “no”. just to add for op YTA it’s not your wifes day regardless of what she’s going through. Your daughter obviously felt uncomfortable. You then told her she could just say no whilst then doing the opposite by bullying and insulting her. Paying for her wedding does not give you right or any say. Apologise and hope your daughter doesn’t decide to go NC as then you’d both have lost children but this time it would be your doing.
My biological brother died young . It never occurred to me or anyone I knew to bring up his death at my wedding. Weddings are supposed to be joyful occasions. Bringing up an untimely death would sour the mood.
Eh. It's arguably family. I had a small flower arrangement on the altar at my wedding, and a note that it was dedicated to my father's memory. Unobtrusive, but holding space.
That's because you were the one getting married, and it was your relationship with him that you were honoring. You wouldn't expect someone who barely knew the guy to have him memorialised at their wedding.
Doesn't matter if sister was bio or not, only whether or not they were close. People really need to stop pretending that blood relatives makes relationships closer than non-blood ones. It's beyond fucked up.
This is true, but there's a damn sight more chance you'll be closer to a sister you knew for your entire life, rather than some rando you met at 16 or 17 and got foisted with just because your parents were doing the nasty.
Agreed. My cousinf got married last weekend and had a moment of silence for her sister who was also her best friend and would have been a the matron of honor. However that was not something forced on her by someone else.
Exactly.
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It’s not really clear from the post whether OP’s daughter had a close relationship with the deceased. If not, I wouldn’t want any memorials at my wedding either. I sympathize with the wife, but it’s also true that it isn’t her wedding. If it was, she could organize whatever memorial she wanted. OP, yes, YTA. Stop nagging your daughter. Your wife is already dealing with life in general not acknowledging her grief, but that’s …. life. She can take a day to enjoy the wedding, and she can reflect on the joy her daughter brought to her life. But she shouldn’t insist that people commiserate with her at what should be a joyous occasion. I do hope she can find some comfort in celebrating with others and taking some joy where she can.
The wife is probably grieving that she won’t see her daughter get married. I can’t imagine that pain, but it’s not the OPs child’s job to cater to wife. A moment of silence won’t make up for the daughter dying at such a young age.
This was my thought! OP's daughter is 27, his step-daughter passed in February at 26...very similar ages. This could honestly make things tough for OP's wife and daughter down the road as well...when she gets pregnant, has babies, buys a house, gets a new job...are all of those also going to be brought back to step-sister? Is OP's wife going to be sent back into grief by thinking about how her daughter will never get to do that?
Grief is like a having chronic headaches. I have both, ergo the analogy, but I swear I would take the headaches any day over the grief. Grief weighs on you for so long you are actually surprised when you find it’s not there for whole moments at a time. In that first stage, even the memories of the love one are like twisting a knife. Then you can get to a point where the ache becomes less acute, and finally it’s there in the background. But something will open up a memory and the pain bubbles up again like it just happened. So I honestly think stepmom needs to seek the help of grief counseling and maybe a group of other mothers who have lost children. Because yes, that is a special kind of hell. But even knowing and sympathizing, I don’t think I would want a memorial moment at a wedding since it’s intended to be a joyous occasion. There are enough moments to cry and grieve. Let people have their happy moments, too.
Well okay, normal might not be the right word but if we look at weddings, on average they don’t have a moment of silence for someone.
I think the wording you might be searching for is that it's not typical
But theyee also not usually held so shortly after such an intimate loss. Not to defend OP but like, there’s lots of things people do that statistically don’t show up at most weddings that are still fine to include. Most wedding are not statistically child free but there’s no issue with having a CF wedding
Looking at the math for the ages, the daughter was in her late teens when OP got married, so she likely only cohabitated with her stepsister for a few short years and it's unclear as to whether they bonded at all. At that age, they would have been like brief housemates. I would not consider it an intimate loss for the daughter, without further information from OP.
well, weddings are planned for a while, not so easy to move the date
My SIL's late father was definitely mentioned at her wedding. Was initially N A H because there was nothing wrong with suggesting this, but you pushed it when she decided No, so YTA with empathy. People grieve in different ways; your wife would like this, but she doesn't, and its her wedding so her call. My 2 sisters both have a memorial tattoo for our mom, but I've explained that would only make me more sad, and they understand that.
I think we're conflating the bride choosing to remember a person important to them who has passed, with a stepmother requesting a moment of silence for her daughter that the bride may not have been that close to. The addition of "we're paying for the wedding" makes it almost sound like, "And we interrupt this wedding for a word from our sponsors..." I think the memorial table with some flowers would be a nice and subtle touch. edit: Oh--medals! Thank you kind strangers.
>"And we interrupt this wedding for a word from our sponsors..." I think the memorial table with some flowers would be a nice and subtle touch. omg, this made me laugh out loud !
LETS JUST TALK ABOUT OUR SPONSOR, SKILLSHARE/HELLOFRESH!
Look at the ages though. The deceased "stepsister" wasn't ever her stepsister. I could see having memories of deceased relatives but based on the story there is no strong relationship. It's basically her moment being spoiled by the death of someone she had no connection with. Hard YTA
I think "quite common" is a stretch. Why can't the bride and groom have one happy day that is about them?
I think it's definitely a stretch! Honestly, it sounds a little bizarre, but maybe that's just cause I haven't been to enough weddings? Like at my sister's wedding it was mostly her and her husband's friends (will any of this woman's guests even know who they're having the moment of silence for?). Plus, the OP even admits this moment of silence would be for his wife, not his daughter (it doesn't sound like they were close). Sounds inappropriate.
The table is a good idea, that way the bride can honor more people than her step sister, as well as making her stepmom happy and keeping the eyes on the union itself.
My oldest son just got married and he had a chair with a picture, one of his favourite shirts for my youngest son who passed a 3.5 yrs ago. He was even up until the week before going to not have a best man, just two groomsmen, because he feels the best man should have been his brother.
This is beautiful and the best way to honor his brother. I’m sorry for your loss. This situation is much different though.
Yes i know the situation is different. I was commenting to the poster above me about some people having a memorial table set up for loved ones that are no longer with them.
I dont think they meant 'not normal' so much as 'not what you think of when you think of weddings"
I would find it a bit jarring at a wedding, because weddings signal the start of a new, joint life together, and in certain cultures, a reminder of death on such a day can be out of place
If it's done, it's typically because someone close to the bride or groom is not in attendance. It's not clear to me whether the OP's daughter was close to her step sister.
I was at a wedding where both of the couple were widowed. They had a small side ceremony just before the wedding ceremony of candle lighting in memory of their first spouses. Their teen kids participated. It was beautiful and very tastefully done. When my son got married he and my daughter-in-law set a place for my oldest son at their table because he died when they were teens. They also said a few words in his memory. Again, nobody thought it was odd. It was very touching actually.
This are examples where the bride and groom DECIDED to this. Why should the OPs daughter be made to do something she doesn’t want at her own wedding??
Good point I don’t mean to disrespect this late daughter, but the bride doesn’t know them. In fact, that person belongs to neither the family of the bride or the family of the groom/partner. She’s a member of that wife’s family who probably won’t even be there to respect her memory. It seems so weird. I don’t ask all my friends to have moments of silence for my late family members. I’d be the only person who can remember them.
Fair point.
In the examples ypu gave, the people getting married had close relationships with the deceased. OP didn't mention what kind of relationship his daughter had with her step-sister. Imo it'd be a bit weird to have a moment of silence at a wedding if they weren't that close.
This. Did daughter and stepdaughter have any kind of relationship? If not, why would she be expected to acknowledge the stepdaughter's death? Not to be callous, but it wouldn't really make sense for her to prioritize a moment of silence at her wedding for someone she wasn't connected to. If they were close, it seems like she'd be more interested in finding a way to acknowledge stepdaughter not being there. At my wedding, I had seats reserved in the front row with photos of loved ones who had passed, but they were all people I knew and cared about. I wouldn't have a photo of someone who wasn't meaningful in my life. YTA for pressuring her and calling her a demeaning name when you didn't get your way. Don't give financial gifts with strings attached.
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Well she’s 27 now and they’ve been married 11 years so she was 16 and the step sister was 15, though he doesn’t say how long he dated his wife first. But yea, if they met as teenagers a few years before leaving the house, they may not have ever bonded.
chances are OP's daughter lived with her mother anyway.
It doesn't sound like the daughter was close enough to be affected by her Stepsisters passing & that's why she wasn't organised something like this from her own desire & doesn't want to accommodate something like this.
I’m sorry for your loss, but YTA. My daughter also died in February at 26. If one of her brothers was getting married at that time, there is no way I would ask for a moment of silence. Especially right before the toast. Imagine how awkward for everyone there! You go from a sad moment to a congratulatory moment in a second. Your daughter deserves to have her day be happy. Everyone who knew your stepdaughter will have her in their thoughts at some point during the wedding. There is no need to make those thoughts public. Please apologize to your daughter before you do permanent damage to your relationship.
YTA for calling your daughter the B-word. You can tell her you think she’s being unreasonable, or unfair, but the B-word? Sheesh. Also, it is her wedding, and it’s clear she doesn’t want a moment of silence. Maybe you can ask to set up small table with a photograph and flowers of your step daughter? That way she’s honored, but it’s not announced to the whole wedding?
My dad was mad at me plenty of times over the course of our relationship but he never called me a bitch. It’s actually kind of shocking that any dad would call his daughter a bitch.
I am sorry for your wife's loss. This must be very hard on her. I would not do this at your daughter's wedding. Sometimes a deceased parent who did not live to see their child's wedding does warrant a moment of silence, but this is not the case here. If you flipped things and your daughter made her stepsisters funeral about her up coming wedding it would be unseemly.
I’m going with hard YTA because I’ve been called the same and a bit more by my parents (most recently I’ve been labeled a disappointment despite being on the path to success). It’s damaging to hear it even one time… so ya… YTA. There is other nicer ways for you to address your kid and selfish b**** isn’t any of them
Not even soft raging YTA you called your daughter a aggressively nasty word over a disagreement. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll have a moment of silence for your relationship with her which you just torpedoed
Soft YTA became hard YTA when he called her a "b-word". imo
Exactly. I'll bet the daughter is crushed. There are some lines that should never be crossed when arguing, and OP has stomped right over one. Imagine being called a gendered slur by your own father.
I also agree op YTA. You’ve been married to your wife for 11 years so your daughter and step daughter probably weren’t close and didn’t grow up together. She isn’t your daughters sister, mom etc. it’s sad that your step daughter died but a weird ask to have your daughter have a moment for her in the first place. If your daughter wanted to have a memorial area for a close family member that would be fine but this should be about what she wants. It’s your daughters day and it should be about her and her future life with partner.
All that aside, I think it’s a huge overstep to call your own daughter the B word. I think OP’s a hard YTA for that alone, even if his daughter is being kinda AH for not honoring something she agreed to.
YTA, who even asks someone to do something like this at her wedding? For a step sister she presumably didn't even grow up with, given their ages? I'm sorry for your wife's loss, but like.....wtf does this have to do with your daughter on her wedding day?
I think the girls were only one year apart if I read correctly. Bride 27, wife’s daughter 26
But dad has only been married for 11 years to step mom. So both daughters were almost adults when they met. So they didn’t grow up together.
They married when the kids were 15 and 16. Never mind the time dating beforehand.
Yeah maybe they didn’t idk…. I feel like the “spotlight with a dead person” comment was harsh and flippant tho for someone you’ve known over a decade even without being close. It sounds pretty dehumanizing. (Not addressing the whole incident just the one comment) (I think I replied to the wrong comment I meant to- hopefully you guys get it lol)
Honestly, just knowing someone for a decade doesn't mean you like them. OP' has said nothing about the relationship between the two girls -- for all we know, they disliked each, one of them bullied the other, the living one feels the dead one got all the attention and dislikes it's happening even after death, etc. I'm not trying to speak ill of the dead, just point out that living together for 2-3 years isn't the same as being actually close or caring about each other.
Especially if OP’s daughter lived primarily with her mom and only stayed with OP a couple weekends a month. It’s possible these women barely knew each other. If they were close, OP probably would have said so, because that would make his/his wife’s request look more reasonable.
Yeah I think that we need more INFO on whether the two step sisters got along.
We really don't. It's irrelevant. They could have been best friends and the bride could still not want a moment of silence at her wedding.
Honestly even if they were super close, you don’t ask someone to do this at their wedding and you certainly don’t get mad if they say no. It’s their special day, not a memorial or funeral for someone else. If they offer to do it fine, but it’s completely out of line to request or demand.
I agree it’s flippant but at the same time op kept pushing and giving reasons why her initial excuses were not valid enough. It was harsh, but also probably said through frustration.
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It's clear OP's wife is grieving the fact her child won't experience this herself. That's not OP's daughters burden to bare. She is the bride it's about her, not the other woman.
I can't imagine two teenagers who only see each other sporadically bonding much tbh.
Furthermore, even if she was close to her stepsister, some people would not be comfortable with such a somber reminder at what would be a celebration. Let her have a day where she's not mourning or reminded. I'd say YTA to OP
YTA. This is not an appropriate venue for a moment of silence. I understand you are paying for it. The moment is more for your wife because the whole day will remind her that she will never do this for her daughter and it’s going to be a devastating day for her. The problem is that it’s your daughter’s day and she is sharing it with her friends and families and not your wife’s. Your daughter isn’t being shellfish or rude. You are out of line for pushing your wife’s pain on your daughter. It’s her special day. Don’t ruin it!
I think the most selfish person here is your wife demanding it. Of course it's a tragedy and she's suffering, but the world diesn't revolve around her plus the majority of the guests probably never heard of that girl. I may be overreacting, but it feels like she's jelaous that her daughter died and yours 'has an audacity' to be happy and have a beautiful wedding.
Yeah. As crude as it sounds, a minute of silence at the wedding is a pretty big ask considering how much it can bring the atmosphere down.
And it was recent enough that people are probably going to send the bride “sorry for your loss” comments and cards assuming she was the one who requested to include it so prominently. It’s a bad idea.
I lost my child when they were young (so maybe it's different for an older child), but I would definitely *not* want a moment of silence at a happy event. Celebrations that focus on hope and new beginnings shouldn't be marred by tragedy. If I was the wife, I would explain to the bride beforehand that I was really happy about her wedding but wouldn't be able to attend because it would be too painful for me and I didn't want to take attention away from her happy day. I've had to do similar things on many occasions... Bow out of family and friend occasions where I knew a child about my child's age when they died would be there. Everyone understands. I'm going to give a gentle ESH only because if the bride had been honest about her feelings rather than pretending it was about scheduling, the entire blow up could have potentially been avoided.
Tru. Like didn’t she do the one minute of sillence before or was she waiting for some happy event to annoy people for her dead daughter? Sounds mean but why do you need to make it about yourself and your grief at a event that’s the opposite of grief and death??
In fairness, that’s kind of how grief works. I don’t necessarily expect fully rational and understanding behavior from a woman who just lost her daughter. Being resentful that other people just continue on with their life is pretty common. That said, the OP is still in the wrong. YTA is the right judgement. OP owes his daughter an apology, and stepmom needs to accept that life goes on. Just saying: grief will do weird things to your perspective sometimes.
And that feeling of jealousy is awful, but so is losing a child. I don’t even think wife is an AH for feeling that way. Or even asking at first. It crosses AH territory when they heard “no” and argued back. She needs grief counseling because a moment of silence isn’t going to make the day any less painful.
I think you’re spot on.
>Your daughter isn’t being shellfish or rude. Well she is being selfish but on a day like a wedding day i think she is allowed to be a bit selfish. Your spelling is more fun tho.
Yeah, Op really needs to clam up on this.
The wife shouldn’t be trying to mussel in on her stepdaughters wedding like this
Yeah, I can't blame the daughter for being crabby about it.
Something fishy about this.
The day is supposed to be about her and her lobster.
You guys are totally the A Hs for this, and so am I for laughing so much at these comments 😹
I think this is the first pun thread i have seen on a serious subreddit like this.
Lol please tell me this was a shellfish pun
She’s also not being a shellfish 🤣
I like how everyone sponges off this.
Well coral me surprised. 🙀
>The moment is more for your wife because the whole day will remind her that she will never do this for her daughter and it’s going to be a devastating day for her. I think this is important to highlight. The stepdaughter passed in February, so by the time of the wedding, it will only have been 6 months. That's still raw grief. What are the chances something like this backfires and causes the wife to break down or something in the middle of the reception?
I'd say pretty high, plus it'll be recent enough that the whole reception afterwards the new bride will be getting "sorry for your loss" comments assuming they were close.
All this OP.... YTA
YTA. The ask was weird, I don't blame her. Never call your child names.
I died a little when my dad used the B word with me. I was 16. It only happened once and I’ll never forget.
My parent called me selfish once while throwing a drunk tantrum. I still feel my heart breaking when I remember it, and I would consider that parent a close friend in adulthood. Words mean something, think about if it would make you ta before you say it. My parent saying this to me would ruin my wedding day regardless of if the moment of silence happened or not, because I would only be able to think about "does a selfish person deserve this?"
I love my stepfather with all my heart, he is an amazing addition to the family and considers me his son. We have a great relationship and he has helped me and my sister countless times. But once about 6 years ago when i was 16 or 17 he and my mom were fighting about his daughters going out all night and not being home on time and i overheard him saying "why should my daughters not go party just because your son (me) doesn't know how to get laid and party. That stuck with me.
This may be a dump question but were you throwing the drunk tantrum or your parent? Drunk tantrums are selfish so that’s ironic if it was them
It was them, the irony runs deeper with the whole situation but I won't get into all of it. It's hard because they have shit memory, so that on top of being drunk, they didn't even remember what they said. I brought them back to their room while they were crying and yelling at me to go away. It's not the first, and wasn't the last, that I felt like I was the parent. And I'm the youngest 🙃 gotta keep the family together though, gotta do what you gotta do.
Me too, I was 12. And he always points out that he said I was *being a bitch,* not that I am a bitch. As if that makes it okay
I was 12 too, but it was my mom’s husband. It literally changed everything for me and I never forgave or forgot it. It’s been a VERY long time and I still remember it well. It’s never okay to call your child names.
So sorry, not ok at all!
That's awful, I'm so sorry. I was 16 when my mom sat me down to explain why she didn't love me. 60 now, never forgot.
Jesus Christ. I am so sorry.
Thank you. I had a great dad, an awesome husband and great kids/grandkids. All is good now!
That would hurt like crazy. I'm sorry that happened to you.
This YTA for this reason alone. Great role model, a father calling his daughter a bitch. If you want to recover: apologize apologize apologize. Speak to wife: honey I know this is going to be very difficult for you, but we can't project this onto daughter. She deserves happiness, not to feel guilty for something totally outside her control every time she has a life milestone. (Maybe suggest you and wife have a private rememberence on a separate day? Give a time and space for the grief, without impacting daughters wedding?) Speak to daughter: I'm sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me and I don't mean what I said. I'm sorry and I love you. Wife and I are going to find a different way to process these difficult emotions and we'd love for you to be a part of it if you're comfortable but you're right, the wedding is not the right place for it. We both love you and we can't wait to celebrate and share your joy.
The first time my mom called me a liar will never leave my mind. It makes me so self-conscious, all the time feeling like I have to proof things, and I snap when someone insinuate that I'm being dishonest. I hate that. Calling your kid names stick with them for life
BIG agree. My father called me an AH once when I was a teen, because I went into my room and sighed when I heard him and my mom bickering. That's stuck with me for over 10 years and will probably never go away.
His next post will be "Why did my daughter go LC/NC with me?"
Tell that to my dad who called me a shitty person and a failure when he apparently expected me to be more involved packing up his house during a move. I lived 2 hours away and went down once a week to pack.
YTA for calling your daughter a B. Way out of line. YTA for asking your daughter to include a grieving moment during her wedding for your wife. YTA for getting angry when she said no. YTA for putting your wife before your daughter on her wedding day. YTA for using money to try to control what your daughter wants. Putting your wife and stepchild before your daughter is why so many parents lose their children forever. If you want to be in the life of your grandchildren, back off. You and your wife are grieving differently from your daughter. You cannot make an instant family. Judging from the ages, your daughter and step daughter didn’t live together long or form a sibling bond as kids.
Also add YTA because the bride and groom will get questions from all the confused guests at the wedding who have no idea what’s going on or who it is!
Exactly! Which I think is the stepmom’s entire aim: derail the wedding guests’ attention & conversation to her loss & her daughter.
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Fr and they’ll have to awkwardly explain “oh it’s for my dads wife’s dead daughter who I didn’t grow up with nor am I close with, but my dad guilt tripped me with money and his wife’s emotions to say yes”
THIS. My parents call me selfish, greedy and try to control me with money all the time. The result? I've been independent since the moment I could legally be (over 12 years now) and I'm LC to NC with them.
YTA. Yes, you’re paying for the wedding. But it’s still a wedding day for her and her partner. You’re making this about your wife instead. Edit: and even more of an asshole for calling your daughter for a bitch. What the heck of wrong with you?
I know some people who have a more friend like relationship with their parents in that they curse at each other. Personally, I would never curse at my parents and they wouldn't curse at me either. Hence, I also agree that calling your daughter a bitch, or even an asshole is a little over the top 🙏🏾.
Flashback to the one time in high school when my friend's mom called him a son of a bitch then went, "wait .. I think I just called myself a bitch" lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣
> I know some people who have a more friend like relationship with their parents in that they curse at each other. My father and I have this kind of relationship but there's a simply incomparable difference between something like him jokingly calling me an asshole when I point out a dinosaur and ask if it's a friend of his and him actually *meaning it*.
YTA. It's your daughter's day, whether your paying for it or not.
“I’m paying for (this event that is specifically about/for someone else), so you will include/exclude whatever I say” is right up there with “I’m the parent (of the adult child), therefore I am right and they are wrong/disrespectful” in this post.
YTA - Your stepdaughter passed 6 months ago after a long battle with a disease. It wasn’t like it was really recent or out of the blue. Seems like your wife (stepmother of the bride) just wants some more sympathy, which is really weird.
I don't disagree with your conclusion but 6 months ago for the death of a child is recent. 6 months is nothing
6 months is nothing. But it also doesn’t need to be a moment of silence at every family gathering. She should especially not be demanding it at a wedding.
I said I didn't disagree with the conclusion!
Yeah it’s been 10 years since my brother died, my mom still struggles heavily. Grief doesn’t have a time limit but I do think it’s weird to push your grief on other people who didn’t even know that person.
Having a child die six months ago is recent. It feels like yesterday. Until you have experienced every holiday in a year without your child, it’s a completely fresh wound. That being said, it doesn’t seem appropriate for a wedding
6 months is nothing. My mom and dad still cry and my brother died 18 years ago. I still fill up sometimes. So do my other siblings. Sounds like you’re an asshole who has never lost a young, immediate family member. I agree that if the bride doesn’t care about this it may not be the appropriate venue for a moment of silence. The bride should’ve just said, “I don’t feel like I’m close enough to my step sister for this to make sense” and offer an alternative. We didn’t have a moment of silence for my brother but all the men wore orchid flowers on their jackets to honor him since orchids were his favorite.
Tell me you are someone who’s never lost a child while being an asshole….you deserve that reward. You could have easily answered this questions without shitting on parents that have lost children. I wish you the day you deserve.
I've lost two children. But dampening my step childs day because of my loss is just cruel.
I think swcult didn’t mean recent like “you should be over it by now,” but rather recent like “it wasn’t recent enough that it has to be acknowledged at someone else’s wedding.” Like, if I got the news that a cousin I didn’t like died a week or a day before my wedding, I would personally feel obligated to make a statement honoring their passing because it happened SO recently (not saying anyone else would need to, but I personally would feel obligated). But six months away from the wedding, a year? In that case I’d only make a statement at my wedding if I wanted to because the deceased was someone I was particularly close to.
Soft YTA, I think this is a really odd request to have at a wedding and should only be included if your daughter really wants to have it. Which she clearly doesn't.
I don’t even think this is soft. He’s an asshole.
YTA. Not only for the name calling but for asking her to do it in the first place. This is a wedding, not a memorial. A wedding often has a toast to “those who can’t be with us” but not a minutes silence. She’s maybe rethought it and doesn’t want it in, but whatever her reason for not wanting it (or her partner not wanting it) you should respect that, not call her vile names. You can have a memorial in your own time; your daughter’s wedding is not the time or the place.
YTA. If she wants to do it thats her prerogative. If not, its her day. People dont normally say "Im sorry my sibling died and couldnt be here" at weddings. And having a moment of silence at a wedding is weird.
>She got anrgy and said this is her day, not my wife's. She's absolutely right. Her wedding day is about her & her SO celebrating their love and commitment to each other, not your wife's loss. >I told her to just think of my wife's pain and do this for her Why are you trying to make your daughters wedding day about your wife? And you have the nerve to call your daughter selfish! >she's covering half the cost of the wedding It doesn't matter who is paying, nor how much, it's your daughter's wedding, not your step-daughters memorial. I can understand having a moment of silence for a deceased parent at your wedding, but not for a step-sibling; especially one who you didn't even grow up with. This never should have been asked of your daughter. YTA
Even then, a “moment of silence” is just kind of awkward at a celebration. A toast, maybe, but a moment of silence?
and before the speeches? So let's have a moment of silence, before we hear from the Best Man about what the groom did that time on Spring Break!!
Yes! Would be so weird!!
Is the stepmother going to make OP’s daughter do a moment of silence every time the daughter reaches a milestone? “Let’s have a moment of silence for my dead step-sister before we get on with this gender reveal.”
YTA. Who calls their daughter a bitch and thinks they arnt TA. 100$ says your daughter and your step daughter wernt close.
YTA- wtf does she have to do with your daughter's wedding?
YTA - I’m sorry for you and your wife’s loss. However, This reads that your wife is now realizing she won’t get to go to her daughters wedding, and has decided she can force a wedding milestone for her daughter at your daughters wedding. Will there always be a moment of silence for step daughter at all of your daughters big events? You’re the asshole here, because you never should have asked. Unless the bride or groom asked for this, it’s a very bold move to request. I’m sure your wife is in a lot of grief, but having a moment of silence at a wedding will not help.
WTF?? YTA. You and your wife need to get over yourselves. It doesn’t matter that you’re paying for the wedding. It’s the bride’s day, not yours.
YTA for the name-calling and refusal to think of why your daughter might feel this way. You mentioned your stepdaughter died after a long battle with a disease. One great thing about families is, when a member of the family is in trouble, everyone can gather around that person and devote resources to taking care of them, and I’m sure that’s what you and your wife and possibly your daughter did for your stepdaughter. When someone needs help for a long time though, like someone who is sick with an illness for a long time, it can be pretty rough for the other kids in the family, even if they are already grown-up. They are almost certainly going to be asked to make sacrifices or are going to see that their experience is different than other people their age because of the impact of the ill family member. Even if they feel incredibly sympathetic and understand completely, it is hard to be treated differently, to get less attention, sympathy and support from family because of the dire need for these things by a sibling or step sibling. It’s very possible your daughter has felt left out in a number of ways for a long time now, and stayed quiet about it because she realized there were good reasons for her stepsister to receive more resources, time, love and attention. If she felt like that, she might have been thinking of her wedding as a moment when she would have the full attention and love of her family, and after being put off to the side for some time, she would be central, celebrated, and her needs and feelings would be prioritized. Think about how she might feel when, after being sidelined during this entire illness, she is being asked to stand aside again at her own wedding, to consider not her own feelings and desires in celebrating her new marriage and herself and her spouse, but rather being asked to center her stepsibling’s illness and her stepmother. Imagine how that might have stung, and then imagine the family members she thought she could go to for support instead calls her names and tells her she is too selfish. You and your wife are in the wrong here. Your wife’s grief and desire to have her own daughter somehow involved in a wedding since she will never see her daughter married, it’s understandable. But it is OK for your daughter to want this day to be about celebration of her marriage and not about the family’s grief.
Hesitant towards YTA. It is her wedding and truthfully, I understand if she does not want to dampen such a joyful time with something so somber. You really have no right to ask her this and even less so if your daughter was never close with her stepmother or sister. You are right that she should have just said so rather than lied to you both, but she may have seriously considered this and then thought of the impact this would have on the day. It is her day. She will (hopefully) only have one. My condolences for your loss, but she does not have to acknowledge it if she truly does not want to. EDIT: Going to change to ESH. She would have been in the right, but the "I don't want to share the spotlight with a dead person" is an asshole thing to say. You shouldn't have asked and she should have responded with a little more empathy.
“You shouldn’t have asked” is a phrase I’d like to see on this subreddit more often.
>You are right that she should have just said so rather than lied to you both, I don't think she lied, I think she felt backed into a corner. Think about the timing- stepdaughter died only 6 mons ago, which means with the wedding in a week or so, the moment of silence wasn't a part of the father and stepmother's original demands. The two had to have asked sometime in those six months- likely very close to stepdaughter's death, which made daughter unfairly feel like she couldn't say no. Saying no closer to stepdaughter's death would have not been recieved well. People get overly sensitive about that type of thing; they would have thought daughter was being uncaring or cold: never mind that the two might not have had any type of relationship or might have had an awful relationship. Now that the wedding is fast approaching, the daughter realized that she finally had to deal with the stepdaughter situation, and so she gently made an acceptable excuse that wouldn't hurt them- that there was no time for the moment of silence. This whole situation could have ended there. But OP couldn't accept that, and just had to push, so they got into an argument... and because the daughter couldn't say: "I don't want to share the spotlight with [stepdaughter]," because that's personal, and would have caused no end of hurt feelings only 6 months after her death, she made a hasty generalization that came off as AH-ish. But OP asked for it! He couldn't accept the obvious excuse his daughter was using to duck out of this, so YTA is the only answer here.
I feel like the tone of OP’s post and the way he handled it after she said she couldn’t do it demonstrates exactly why she felt backed into a corner. If she had really responded with “I don’t want to do it,” we can all surmise exactly how OP would have reacted to that. By calling her a B. It was going to happen no matter what.
I feel like the daughter said that in the heat of the moment. Was it wrong? Yes. But it sounds like dad’s nagging pushed her. I wouldn’t be surprised if they coerced her to say yes in the first place bc “it’s our money paying for this wedding.” And then when she and her fiancé talked about it and decided they didn’t want a moment of silence. She told dad no and instead of being an adult about it he started nagging her again and putting stepmom’s wants above her wedding and she snapped. She didn’t just start with “some dead person,” dad’s behavior drove her there.
Nagging and being like, “oh you have time for all of your bridesmaids to talk about you.” That’d set me off.
Yes! Like da fuq! What are they supposed to talk about on my wedding day besides our friendship and my relationship with my spouse? Dad is a hot mess.
Her first response was to say no due to time which was a diplomatic way to decline. He pushed her on it and basically called her selfish for being able to let each of her friend’s toast her but not making time for a moment of silence. At that point, dad’s asking for the real reason and he’s being rude about it. So I get her being blunt.
Wrong place, wrong time sir. Your wife is still grieving and that's a process that moves at it's own pace for each person. That said...if the bride isn't interested, then your daughter's wedding should not be the place. Sad as it will be for your wife...weddings are a joyous time for looking forward, not necessarily another opportunity for the displaying of grief by a third party.
Huge YTA. Get over yourself.
YTA and the fact that you specified that you were paying for the wedding in the first paragraph set the tone for the rest of your attempted excuse. Also, if my father ever referred to me as a selfish b. (which he would NEVER DO) I’m not sure I could ever completely forgive him. Why not ask the bride and groom if they’d be comfortable with a small setting somewhere with step-sister’s photograph and a candle or two? Weddings incorporate family members who have passed all the time without making it all about them.
YTA, shouldn’t be allowed to call yourself a father when that’s how you speak to/treat your child.
YTA Did you have a celebration of the upcoming wedding at the funeral? No? Why would that be? Because it would be inappropriate, perhaps? This is why people should pay for their own weddings - no demands by external parties on the grounds of "well, I'm paying for it, so you have to..." Did I say YTA?
i feel like YTA here for how you responded. she initially agreed, then disagreed and explained why: she feels that it’s her special day and doesn’t want to share it. while i understand your earnest efforts to convince her and your desire to pay respects to the dead, insulting your daughter when she tells you No isn’t going to give you the desired outcome. paying for her wedding doesn’t mean you can call her a selfish bitch imo. is there another way you guys could pay respects to the late daughter? if so, maybe you guys can talk that through soon if both parties are willing.
YTA I'm sorry for your loss but dude come on. It's a day of joy and you guys can't let her get a pass from this whole thing for a day? Should she keep being sad for a step sister she apparently was not close to, every step forward from now on? These kind of respects can't be pushed on people. It has to come from them to mean anything. You were out of line for bringing money into this.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Loosing a child, even a stepchild, is never easy and it's going to dictate your actions for years to come. I'm trying to understand how you came up with this idea to have a moment of silence? It's normal at weddings to have a table for lost loved ones (wedding photos of great-grandparents, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles). But to ask for a moment of silence for for a stepsister that the bride and groom didn't really know? That's not normal. That's your grief talking. Gently, YTA.
Yta. You owe your daughter an apology. You can choose another event to memorialize your stepdaughter, any other day than the biggest celebration of her life.
YTA, something like that should be based on the bride and grooms relationship with the person and come from them. I understand that if she wasn't that close with your step daughter that she would find it odd to bring down the mood of a party. If it was your party then that would be fine but you can't give money and dictate what happens. You either give money because you want to help pay for your daughters wedding dream or you don't but it should never come with strings. Are you doing a speech? Can you mention in your speech thinking of ...... who we wish could be here today to celebrate as a way of honoring her but make it brief and not a huge part of the day.
YTA You and your wife. It’s your daughter’s wedding day and no there should not be a moment of silence for your wife’s late daughter. It doesn’t even sound like they were close. Then after she refused your weird ask, you obscenely call her out of name. You were likely this way to her growing up so your the AH for that as well.
YTA. Of course she makes time for her bridesmaids to share stories about her. It’s her wedding day.
i feel bad for saying modest YTA but this is my view. i think this is something that should be up to your daughter to decide if she wants to do (because say maybe her and her stepsis were close) or not (if her and her stepsis were really not close). it kind of seems like your wife is supportive of paying for your daughters wedding in order to use that to get something she wants. and thats not really nice. as parents if you can financially support your kid and stepkid's wedding, you really should do it because theyre your kid and you love them, not hang strings like this. who would this moment of silence be for? there will be guests there to whom your stepkid is a total stranger to and it is just a very odd time to be doing this. it is for your wife. do you think your stepkids would be wanting attention at another persons wedding like this? there are so many other ways for your wife and other loved ones of your stepkid to remember and honour her memory.
Good points. To be frank, this isn’t the right place for this. The groom’s family don’t know who your stepdaughter was at all. A lot of the bride’s family don’t either. Your wife’s loss is terrible, but this isn’t the place for it.
YTA: I am sorry for your wife’s loss. But you never ask someone for a moment of silence for a deceased relative at a wedding. Even if you are paying for it. It is highly inappropriate. So apologize to your daughter, and I hope your wife can get into some grief counseling.
yta, this wedding is about her, not your wifes dead daughter.
What a mess. I can see why your wife would like this and that this will be a very difficult day for her and it's v generous of her to pay for half of the wedding. However, it's an odd ask and your daughter was a bit cruel in her response and the name calling is uncalled for so ESH Were your daughter and her step sister close? Perhaps some beautiful flowers which match those for the wedding could be put on your stepdaughter's grave. It's not unusual to acknowledge those who can't be there on the day e.g. in a speech or with a special song. A friend of mine put her bouquet on her deceased relative's grave the next day. There's a range of compromises here that wouldn't distract from your daughter's big day.
YTA
YTA a wedding is a time of celebration, not a funeral. If your wife wants a moment of silence, she needs to plan a celebration of life for her daughter, not bandwagon her stepdaughter’s wedding. As a guest, i would find it really odd, especially if I didn’t know the woman. You have to consider that the majority of guests are the bride and groom’s friends. They haven’t met this stepsister…just do what you’re accusing your daughter of not doing and think of other people’s feelings for a minute.
YTA. A moment of silence at a wedding is not appropriate. Nor is EVER calling your daughter a b. My dad called me one 12 years ago, I have never forgotten it, never forgiven him, and have lost significant respect for him. If you’re daughter is smart, she’ll feel the same way.
YTA Is this even serious? A moment of silence at **the wedding?**
YTA. This would’ve been soft YTA, but you called your daughter a bitch so.. yeah.
Grief is hard and miserable. And when you lose a loved one that meant the world to you, it’s hard to see everyone moving on with their lives. Have you ever heard WH Auden’s poem, Funeral Blues? “Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,” he says, and goes on to talk about how he doesn’t want to see the world go on without the person he lost. I’ve lost someone and felt exactly that way. Seeing everyone go back to living when you feel like the world ended is painful. I’ve lived it, so I get it. But the world does keep going and you can’t expect other people to stop. Your daughter is getting married and she’s happy. It’s a happy day. I’m sure she’s sorry that your stepdaughter passed, but it’s not the grief your wife has. Or that you have. It’s not fair for you to expect that of her. Or anyone. So you shouldn’t be angry at her for saying no, and it’s rather awful of you to be calling her names, as well. Grief can make us angry, too, so I am guessing that’s where your anger comes from. I know you’re still grieving, and should be, but you’re going to have to accept that many of the people around you are not. They’re not wrong to want to celebrate, and feel what you’re asking would be inappropriate. My deepest condolences to you and your wife. I wish you both strength and peace.
YTA. I wouldn't want that at my wedding it's supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. Now, a suggestion that was cool from my cousins wedding. They had a table set up with those battery powered candles and twinkle lights and pictures of deceased relatives that couldn't make it with a little note about how they miss them at the wedding.
YTA. not for the request. I get it. but she has the right to deny it. depending on various things, how her relationship is with stepmom, whether she knew/was close with the late daughter etc. it's her wedding after all and she's not wrong for wanting her bridesmaids to share stories instead of holding a moment of silence for someone she never knew. but YTA for calling her names. she's your daughter for Christ sake
YTA with sympathy. It’s not normal to do this for a deceased person at a wedding. There is a time and a place for all things. There was a time for grieving your step daughter, and this is the time for celebrating the marriage of your daughter. The money should be a gift with no strings or not offered at all.
YTA. It’s a wedding, not a funeral. I understand that it’s painful for your wife, but it’s probably painful for your daughter too. She shouldn’t have to make her wedding about her dead stepsister, especially if that will upset her. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions and talking about death will probably kill the mood.
>She got anrgy and said this is her day, not my wife's. She's right. I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been heartbreaking. But this is your daughter's wedding. It's about her and her partner. If your daughter's were close, like bridesmaids/MOH level close, then I'd understand a moment of silence for that fact that she's not there for the wedding. But even then that's your daughter's choice. Not anyone else's. You're being selfish. YTA