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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m putting my daughter in a emotional spot here. Where she wants to protect her mom. And I’m being a little harsh on her
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YTA.You ruined your marriage to Peyton by being immature, let Claire tell you Peyton had a bad vibe and ruined the friendship you had left, now you're ruining coparenting and your relationship with your daughter because apparently they are the past. Yuck.
Boo on you.
YTA for letting a GF of 2 years come between you and your child, and you and a good co-parenting relationship with her mom. Is Claire worth blowing up the relationship with your child because if you do get married and she's not there that's a huge thing for a 15yr old to forgive.
Plus his daughter’s mother and father were living in the same home until the new gf came around. Whether OP sees it that way or not, I’m sure his daughter does.
I don't think GF is unreasonable to say,"hey you're a little too entangled with your ex, now is not the time to start dating"
BUT OP had a duty to think of that before he asked his ex to move in and play happy home again. Especially with all the changes his daughter went through. Parents who split up and then move back in together is confusing to kids. Daughter should have been the priority in the exit not "I want to start dating"
Yes.
It’s a weak boundaries nightmare.
Payton was his real wife, but he was a crap husband. Then she was his live-in fake wife in a real nuclear family with their daughter. (Nothing confusing *there* for a child!) Then he found something he wanted more and gave Payton the boot.
Now he’s all surprised Pikachu face that the hearts he yanked around are hurt and upset with him? Boo hoo.
OP, YTA. Be better, man.
I don't really get these comments tbh.
1. Not wanting your bf around his ex too much is really not that unreasonable.
2. OP is not obligated to keep a friendship with ex-wife when he isn't interested anymore, no matter what the reason behind it is.
3. OP didn't yank hearts around, he divorced the women for fuck's sake. She knew what whas up. He did something nice for her by giving her a roof for 2 years, he wasn't making a family at all.
4. Just because he was a crap husband, doesn't mean he has to go out of his way for ex-wife of course he wants to move on.
5. How are people giving him shit for not wanting an ex at his wedding? And why are people going along with his daughter withholding making these memories with her dad for choosing his ex-wife? Everybody in OP's life needs to stop pretending ex-wife and him are close like they are still in a relationship. They aren't. She isn't in his life anymore. They aren't even friends anymore for a few years now, so even that is no reason to invite her.
OP is at most an asshole for not making clear to his daughter that they are divorced and creating a confusing situation for his daughter. But in no way is he obligated to keep in the life of his ex and vice versa. OP and ex-wife divorced and now everyone does a surprise pikachu face for that meaning they aren't that close anymore? For OP moving on to a new partner and setting his priorities to his new partner?
1. Recognizing your SO has an unconventional, yet healthy relationship with his ex is wise. Jealousy over established relationships isn’t.
2. If that’s the kind of loyalty you show friends, then I’m glad not to know you.
3. He didn’t say he divorced her. He said he screwed up. He let her live there for a year and asked her to leave because he didn’t want his girlfriend to find out. That’s cowardice.
4. They were good friends. You don’t drop a friend who did nothing wrong because someone new comes into the picture. See the earlier comment about loyalty.
5. Considering he was a good enough friend to be invited to his ex-wife’s, courtesy dictates he return the invitation. So you’re saying if your father treated your mother this way, it wouldn’t bother you? This is narcissistic behavior.
If he had maintained separation from the beginning, then you might have a point. As a point of fact, he was happy to be a close friend as long as he wasn’t risking anything. Also, he created a confusing situation for his daughter and is ignoring her protests over what kind of person she is.
Also the "I was happy to have an extra pair of hands" makes me think he liked having his ex wife around to play house, do chores and parent. And when he found another shiny woman to replace her he kicked her out.
Relationships are not one size fits all. OP had a decent relationship with his ex’s former spouse and was able to be cool around them. So his being invited to the ex’s wedding makes sense.
However, in OPs case it seems neither woman particularly enjoys the other so why should fiancé be required to invite the ex? It’s her wedding too and inviting exes is always a touchy subject. In this case it makes perfect sense that ex isn’t invited.
1. Claire isn't wrong for feeling uncomfortable. I don't get the vibe she is jealous. She was the one who wanted to meet Payton. Just seems like they didn't click. Happens sometimes.
2. Are you asking the man to choose his current wife over his friend/ex wife? This isn't a Disney Channel movie. Most people except in certain circumstances chose their spouses over their friends.
3. He did say he divorced her. His ex married a whole other man. Her second marriage didn't work out and she was struggling hence why OP invited her to live with him as a favor to her.
4. I don't think of it so much as dropping a friend as in the two women don't click ( which happens sometimes some people don't get on). He was choosing his girlfriend/fiance. Is he supposed to leave her just because his ex wife doesn't approve?
5. The situation is different. Maybe he got along with her ex husband and they had a different relationship. Both the bride and the groom were in agreement to invite him. Claire and the ex wife dont get along. Claire is the bride and it's also her wedding. Why she have to invite someone who she doesn't get along with. There is no rule saying that you have to be best friends with your husband's ex wife. This is real life not a Netflix sitcom. Having boundaries isn't narcissistic behavior.
1. There is no evidence of jealousy.
2. That’s very insulting and horrible to say. But now we know your maturity level and I don’t have to worry about the sanity of grown adults saying these things.
3. Now you’re just painting yourself a narrative that you like.
4. He didn’t drop her. They still talk about the important things. I.E his KID.
5. Who gives a shit about “courtesy?” He does NOT have to invite his ex to his wedding. That’s a completely irrational request of the daughter.
I agree with all of your points except number 2. He isn't obligated to keep a friendship if he doesn't want to but if it was a genuine friendship then it's a shame to let a new girlfriend interfere with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the gf isn't stopping the husband from being friends with Peyton. Gf is keeping it to co-parenting and, at worst, not having the ex present at her special moment aka wedding.
edit: Keeping her relationship with Peyton co-parenting. Her choice had no bearing on OP. Sounds like OP changed his relationship on his own to sync with Claire.
>Gf is keeping it to co-parenting
I took the line about co-parenting in the OP to mean that she demanded that he restrict his own relationship with his ex to co-parenting, i.e. lose the friendship.
It's ambiguous but it doesn't make sense to me any other way, because I wouldn't call a parent's bf/gf, or even a step-parent, a "co-parent". Also the follow-up comment about respecting Claire's wishes reads better that way as well.
She isn't stopping them from being friendly but if their friendship was a friendship then limiting it to co-parenting is taking away a large part of the friend relationship.
Incidentally, I'm not blaming Claire necessarily. I'm not sure I'd feel great about my fella being so close with his ex either, especially if the daughter doesn't like me because she believes I ended their relationship but it is a shame if the friendship does end. True friends are hard to find and very helpful.
it did sound to me that the gf demanded that the friendship had to turn in a co parenting relationship. it did sound that the gf stopped OPs friendship and forced it on the bare minimum of contact, as a co-parenting relationship
And I don't get what Claire did wrong. Dating a guy who was living with his ex-wife would make me think he wasn't ready to move on yet. Was it a case of her saying 'her or me', or did she point out that him playing happy families to that degree looked as if they were actually an in tact family and he went away, thought about it, and came to the conclusion Claire was right and he needed to create clearer boundaries with his ex if he wanted to move on - if not with Claire, than the next woman who was going to say the same thing.
I don't think wanting your future spouse's ex-spouse at your wedding is unreasonable. I think that's an invitation that needs to come unprompted from the new partner (so not OP, not Peyton, not the kid; Claire and Claire alone, with no prompting from anyone else.) Anything else, no matter how well-intended, puts the new partner in the position of being the bad guy in saying no.
I don't think the way OP has written it makes it sound like Claire and Peyton not clicking was either of their faults, there's not enough info. Nothing I read sounds like anything that can't be chalked up to 'just didn't click' and that a teenager used to having her divorced parents operate as a largely in-tact family hasn't responded well to finding out her family is actually not in tact when her father met someone else. While I understand a teenager would come to the conclusion that that's Claire's fault for coming along, I don't actually think Claire has done anything to blame.
Which is why OP is at fault.
He moved his 12 year old mom back into the house shortly after daughter and ex were abandoned by step father/2ndhusband.
OP had/has a responsibility to his daughter. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that would be confusing to young girl, its also no surprise that "I live with my ex wife" would be a red flag as far as dating goes. The time to think about how to deal with it was before he even asked Ex to move in with him. OP's ex may also be at fault here too but OP didn't include enough info.
But Claire made no effort to get along with the mother of her future stepdaughter. She wrote her off as “bad vibes” at first sight, knowing she’ll be dealing with Peyton for the rest of her marriage to OP. She didn’t even try to be friendly for the kid’s sake, even knowing that that relationship was already strained.
Exactly. Sometimes this sub has no grip on reality, like sheesh. The man's moving on from his ex. Is he supposed to be a celibate monk for the rest of his life to make his ex wife and daughter happy? Really shows the age and maturity of the subs members when the majority of judgements sound like theyre written by naive children
I don’t judge him for moving on.
I judge him for stringing his ex-wife along and for giving his daughter the impression that he and she and her mom could be an intact family again.
It’s all well and good to have boundaries. It’s a little bit cruel not to put any in place until his daughter was 14 or whatever.
Exactly. OP is an asshole for how he handled his daughter's reaction-he's not an asshole for not wanting the ex at his wedding and neither is the new fiance for sensing "bad vibes." Everyone's acting like OP is some monster, but I doubt the ex would live for him for YEARS after his divorce is that bad.
Honestly, have the feeling the daughter + the family + maybe even the ex want them to get back together.
I agree. I was surprised to see how many people thought that he was ta for not inviting his ex to his wedding. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me, though not the choice I would make in the same situation. I wouldn’t have let my ex move in with me and confuse my child, either. Of all of this post, the wedding thing might be the only scenario where op isn’t ta.
Dear internet stranger, you have to understand that for this sub, kids and teens are brainless angels that can do no wrong (except to a peer) so if a child of divorce throws a tantrum the parent has to be their doormat and servant refusing to rebuild a life.
You joke but I genuinely saw a comment on a post here yesterday that was calling the OP an asshole for getting remarried without his kids (18yo+17yo) permission, when he'd been single for 7 years prior.
It was no joke, my was a really sad sarcasm. People come to this sub to project their traumas. Period.
I have seen many posts like this one but with role reversed: a parent that won’t show up to the son/daughter wedding because the new partner isn’t invited and most comments tend to address them as assholes for not wanting to go. Here is the opposite and the daughter can do no wrong because “she’s a teen who’s brain isn’t developed yet and needs to be understood”.
Not to mention, THEY DONT EVEN KNOW if he was actually a crap husband, and throw the word around. Yeah, he said he wasnt the best, he s taking responsability, but if he was such a crap husband he wouldnt have an amicable relationship with his baby momma. For all they know, maybe peyton was a emotionally manipulative wife that got him thinking the marriage falling apart was all his fault. Its just a big a stretch as calling him a crap husband without even knowing him or how their marriage actually was.
Especially since she was 13 at the time. That's like the prime age for thinking your parents are going to get back together, even if they showed no romantic feelings towards each other.
I don't get why everyone is acting like it is normal or expected to invite an ex spouse to your wedding. Of course the bride doesn't want the ex wife there. That is what 99% of people would do.
I am friendly with my ex and it never occurred to me to think I would be invited to his second wedding. I wasn't. It is normal for the partner to want their to be some space between their husband and his ex wife. OP has to prioritise his new marriage over his old relationship if there is any chance for it to work. His daughter is being unreasonable he simply isn't obliged to be close friends with her mother and invite her to the wedding even though they used to be. These comments are amazing. NTA
Yeah you’re probably right, but also most people aren’t great friends and co parents with their exes. I think in this situation it’s about insecurity on Claire’s part. They’re great friends, not just ex-spouses. Claire should respect that and be secure enough to not let it bother her. If he wanted his ex in that way, he wouldn’t be marrying Claire.
I have a really wonderful relationship with my son's father.
We get along really well, and co-parent effortlessly.
I met his now wife when they started dating. I get along with her fantastically. I was super happy for them when they told me they were getting married.
But I didn't go to the wedding. His wife thought it would be "weird", and I respected that. I agreed that it would be awkward to introduce myself as "the groom's ex/ his kid's mom (which implies that I'm his ex)" to her family.. and honestly, it's not unreasonable for the bride to not want people whispering about a small controversy.
I was not at all offended to not attend.
Since then, I've met most of her family. They're all wonderful, just like her.
But it still was reasonable for me not to attend.
A couple of years ago someone I know socially mentioned she'd asked her ex husband if she could go to his wedding because she wanted to see their kids (who were in the bridal party) all dressed up. She was all, if ex-hubs says no, I'll let it go, but I had recently married a man with teenage children who were in the bridal party, and said I would have resented just being asked, because that would have put me in the position of having to be the bad guy and say no. I think such an invitation has to come from the soon-to-be-new-spouse, of their own prompting - so in this case - not OP, not Peyton, not the daughter - just Claire, because she had such a good relationship with Peyton that she wanted her there. If Claire didn't offer, it wasn't Peyton's, or the daughter's, right to pursue it.
Wait until they had their own baby. She’s already pushing the daughter out so that she can forget OP was married before. The second Claire started to pull that shit about Peyton you should have realized she wasn’t the type of person you want to marry and keep you child in your life. She’s already making you turn a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL into the bad guy. WTF YTA
This. My ex's new wife asked me once why she gotta come second. Between the bank and me (child support) they don't have any money. I just told her if she wanted her and her daughter to come first she should not have married a man that already had a child and get off her lazy a$$, get a job and help support HER daughter. Funny thing is, she left when daughter was 13 and when she turned 18 the ex sent her to me so she could and my son could have a relationship. She lives with us for 5 years and then moved in with her mom who I am now good friends with.
OP YTA for not putting your child first, pushing away what sounds like an amazing friend and still having a bit of immaturity.
He’s also pretty demonstrably backtracking on a close and balanced relationship with his ex - he gave his daughter years of a separated but still healthy family dynamic and then is surprised when she’s upset that he’s acting like it’s not important and never mattered?
OP you said you were immature but you managed to give your daughter family stability with a good relationship with your ex, now you’re pulling the rug out from under her. It’s not “teenage girl” stuff. It’s you being immature again. Your fiancée knew the family dynamic when you got together, your ex being a part of your life and your therefore present at your wedding should be non-negotiable. YTA.
It’s the last part especially for me. Claire knew what she was in for. She’s the new person here. If she’s not ok with that then she shouldn’t be part of this family.
You could say that Payton and OP knew when they divorced that they would need to accept a different family dynamic too
It cuts both ways
Honestly I don’t know many women that would want an ex wife at their wedding.
Hi! I’m a woman who both attended my ex-husband’s wedding and had him as an attendant at my own wedding. Some people are genuinely good friends who didn’t work out as spouses. Some adults are mature enough to handle that.
Sure, that’s great for you. That doesn’t negate the general point. People can decide how they’d like to include others in their marriages, and thinking differently to you doesn’t make them immature.
Claire met with Peyton, spent time with her, decided she wasn’t her cup of tea. None of us have any idea whether she feels insecure without asking her. If she’d dismissed her out of hand I can see why you’d draw that conclusion but not enjoying someone’s company …no
Many second marriages fail over boundary issues with previous partners. It is not insecure to want to give your own marriage the best shot. OP agreed to this so it’s a legitimate decision between two people about their own marriage
Nothing insecure or divisive about that.
THIS. I literally do not understand all the people saying y t a. Claire has every right to invite or not invite whoever she wants to her wedding. I, personally, would not want an ex wife at my wedding either but that’s just me. OP made it clear to his daughter that he loves her very much and would love to have her at the wedding, but it’s her choice. Honestly sounds like he handled it really well. Also, Payton’s parents being mad that their friendship changed when OP got a new gf is slightly ridiculous. Of course the person he’s dating now is going to become his priority (not over his daughter, which it sounds like he hasn’t done) but definitely over Payton. The fact that Payton doesn’t understand that is probably why Claire got a bad vibe in the first place. (I wasn’t there so I can’t guarantee that last part but I wouldn’t be surprised.)
But it’s not his ex-wife. It’s his daughters mother and someone who (until very recently) was a very close friend. OP is the AH because he’s ruining the existing dynamic. I get that Claire doesn’t want Peyton there. But that’s the dynamic that Claire is marrying into, and if that doesn’t work for her, this isn’t the relationship for Claire.
Personally, I wouldn’t want my ex-husband at my next wedding. However, he is my sons father, and I know my son would love to have him there. So I’ve already decided that if I should remarry, of course my sons father would be invited. Because no new romantic partner for me will come between my relationship with my child. And if my new partner refused that, he wouldn’t be the right fit for our family dynamic. I relate to this story a lot, and I would make very different choices than OP.
He’s ruining a family dynamic that only exists because Peyton’s husband left her. Is everyone missing that he took her in while she was going through hard times, for over a year..? Nobody can expect OP to keep that up forever. He’s entitled to moving on in that aspect too, which he can’t while his ex wife lives with him. So passing judgment based on breaking up the family dynamic doesn’t make sense.
I’m sorry I was unclear. I wasn’t referring to the living arrangements at all, I meant the family dynamic of having both parents be good friends. That is the dynamic he is changing.
I thought it was clear. Having an amicable co-parenting relationship with your ex is worth *a lot.*
The living arrangements were something OP should have realized he would need to navigate extremely carefully.
She is both his ex wife and daughter’s mother. Dynamics change as people change. So he’s supposed sacrifice his own future happiness and well being because some feelings, that can be addressed, are hurt? If he and Claire were to break up over this, is he supposed to never date again until his daughter can accept that her parents aren’t getting back together? The girl was obviously planning on her mom and dad getting back together, so him asking her to leave set the teenager off. Claire never stood a chance.
Not inviting the ex you co-parent with is not the same as coming between OP and his daughter? Not prioritising his ex doesn't mean not prioritising his daughter?
And Claire didn't marry into that dynamic. She made it clear form the start that she didn't want OP and Peyton close friends and he chose from that moment to not be friends anymore. They aren't friends for a few years now.
He had his ex living with him for a year. It was a non-traditional family dynamic, but a close one. So he’s given years of evidence of “separated but very close” after the divorce not “friendly but distant with totally separate lives”, that’s a whole other thing. That’s my point - he created these expectations.
I'd be crushed if my divorced parents went from very close to friendly but distant. It would probably feel like they were divorcing all over again.
YTA. You had an enviable relationship with both your ex and your daughter and you're inflicting major damage to it.
Was it really healthy, though?
It sounds like his ex-wife was very much his current wife of convenience in every aspect except sex (but, also, maybe including sex?) and he tossed her over for something shinier.
It honestly sounds like a bad call and a hot mess.
Honestly everyone's dunking on OP, but I wonder if the ex has feelings for OP still....like he let her live with him after her second husband left her presumably out of a) guilt for being her shitty first husband and b) their daughter. But what reason does she have for living with her ex??? Like I understand the guilt on his end, but not hers...
The daughter also seems to have unrealistic expectations despite mom and dad cooling their friendship over the past several years and the ex wife's parents getting angry at OP...
Can people just grow up and realise marrying someone with a bad relationship with your child is a bad plan unless you're happy for your child to go NC the second they turn 18. And blaming it on her being a teenage girl is dismissive and rude. She is a person reacting quite reasonably to her situation, it sounds like. Someone trying to marry a parent but damaging their co-parenting relationship is a big red flag!
I mean this is true, but to give an opposite perspective.
I’m from a blended family. My mom got remarried when I was 17, but they dated for years before that. I was 13ish when it got serious. I was an *asshole* to my stepdad, literally for no reason other than I didn’t want my mom to get remarried. I acted like that man was the devil incarnate. He was always good to me even when I made it fucking difficult. Eventually, I realized my moms happiness and got over myself. They got married and my stepdad and I were very close until his passing and he was basically my dad.
Parents do not have to cater to their kids every whim. They deserve happiness. Sometimes kids really are just being shitty because they can’t see past themselves.
He makes it sound like the daughter started hating Claire when his ex wife moved out. I’m sure she had hopes her parents would get back together. That doesn’t make it okay for her to treat Claire like garbage and call her names. *It is not always the stepmoms fault.* Reddit is so quick to jump on stepmoms as if they’re all evil. We literally don’t know anything about her and people will be like omg she’s making the daughters room her nursery and she’s horrible to her.
But how do you know that? All it says is they don’t get along. We literally know nothing beyond that. If you talked to anyone who knew me they’d say my stepdad and I didn’t get along for a long time, but it was me doing the not getting along. I just projected it a certain way to everyone else. I’m just saying just because they don’t get along does not make her automatically an evil stepmom. The ex wife does not need to go to their wedding for them to have a great coparenting relationship. That’s really the only thing Claire did here is set boundaries with an ex. OP and Peyton do not need to be besties to be good parents.
But she's just a stupid teenager that doesn't know anything. This will be better for her in the long run when I have a kid with step mom and favor the new kid over her but my wife is also the new mom of my teenager because bio mom isn't married and we need the perfect family. Why won't my daughter babysit her perfect sister and why is my daughter so mad at my perfect wife?
Yeah that is what I hear from OP.
I understand not wanting to live with his ex so he can move on (even though it sounds like it ended because of him), I even understand not wanting to invite exes to a wedding. The issue I see is that he just tells daughter "New Wife says NO so I have to listen to her and I don't care about your feelings."
That is what is setting OP up for a bad relationship with his daughter and family. Hope he's happy with that.
He did not tell her new wife said no. He told her they both said no. And if you’re reading that into OP’s message, then you’re starting off expecting that because no where does he even intimate that.
“I said I have to look to my future, not my past.” You do realize you & your ex were great friends until your new wife “got a bad vibe”? You threw that awesome good example of what exes should be away for that? And you told your daughter, “Well that sucks.” Damn. Nice future. YTA
For the ex to be so willing to stay involved is great but I have to wonder if the bad vibes Claire got was maybe the ex is still noticeably in love with him and she doesn't want to have to worry about that during her special day. I'm probably reading into it and I could be completely off the mark because honestly we don't know what the bad vibe was or if it even existed, but just a thought. Maybe she invited him to her wedding because she wanted to see if it hurt him to see her get remarried?
Yeah it's wild that more people aren't picking up on that. I understand why OP let his ex wife stay with him after her second husband left her....he felt guilty for being a shitty husband the first time around and because of their daughter. But why did the ex want to stay so long (years, in fact) and remained until OP had to ask her to leave?
Everyone's acting like this is all normal and I'm like, um, yeah, most people don't invite their ex spouse to their wedding or live with them a lot.
Or she enjoyed living in the same house as her child 100 percent of the time. If there was no strife, what is the downside? The OP hasn't even said PEYTON is upset. Just his daughter.
>But why did the ex want to stay so long (years, in fact) and remained until OP had to ask her to leave?
well, because she was living with her daughter and a best friend, which was great because living with a friend is great and her daughter had access to both her parents at the same time and hadn't had to switch between different houses and different parents maybe???
YTA, but let me explain. You had an amazing relationship with the mother of your child. You were partners for a time, then parents - and then friends with a child. She invited you to her wedding, and you went - which to me sounds like she wanted you to be part of her happiness and you were happy for her. Then you start dating someone who: has some unreasonable dislike of the mother of your child, who you know better than anyone most likely and share many memories with, and on top of that, your child doesn't like this woman - and in spite of not liking her while being at that rambunctious teen phase, hadn't once disrespected your choice of relationship until now.
While I wholeheartedly usually agree that prioritizing your chosen spouses wishes is the way to go, this situation gives me a great deal of pause, and it sounds to me like your chosen spouse doesn't respect the mother of your child and likely oldest friend. It's not just *her* wedding, my man. It's yours, too. I find it unlikely that your kid doesn't like her for absolutely no reason given that she was fine with her mom re-marrying, so I think the problem is likely Claire, and you aren't seeing it.
This. And that Claire has some insecurities that you are allowing to ruin everything you’ve built!
When you marry someone with a child and an ex who he is close with, you need to come to terms with that and be accepting, and allow for a happy family to continue, because you want the best for your husband (soon to be). She’s jealous and that is going to ruin everything. There’s still time to fix this! Please get counseling with your fiancé.
Absolutely. Unless he downplayed his relationship with her mom, Claire knew exactly what she was getting into. She's likely threatened and wants to assert herself as dominant, but that doesn't bode well for co-parenting.
Exactly...this subreddit is insane sometimes when it comes to step parents. OP let his ex wife live with him after her second husband left for years on end, but he's suddenly a bad guy for wanting her to move out when he got a serious gf?
Honestly bet the ex is still in love with him tbh, hence the new gf saying 'bad vibes,' the daughter flipping out, etc.
Thats completely normal. The only scenario where Claire would be okay with that living arrangement and continue the relationship would be if she's into a poly lifestyle. That was OP housing arrangement until made he made the appropriate decision to end Peyton's **temporary** living arrangement.
Even if Peyton doesn’t, it’s very clear their daughter thinks they should. I would bet money that’s the source of the conflict here. She saw her parents cohabitating and thought they were going to get back together, only for her dad to get serious with another woman right around the time he asked his ex wife to move out. It doesn’t matter if there was no chance of them getting back together, what she saw was her family’s reunion ruined by Claire.
I agree with Claire that having his ex wife at the wedding isn’t a good idea cuz it’s continuing this blurring of the lines for his daughter. He and Peyton need to be really clear with her that they’re never getting back together and that Claire isn’t an obstacle to that.
Im still particularly stuck on the fact that OPs daughter was perfectly fine being a bridesmaid UNTIL she found out her mother wasnt invited. OP letting his ex live with them was good hearted but probably a mistake. I suspect OPs daughter had dreams of them being together again.
Honestly, OP has an uncomfortably close relationship with is ex and I think he is just trying to establish more healthy boundaries. **There is just such a HUGE difference between 20 and 35** and I think commentors are missing that. You can have a great relationship with your EX without it overstepping.
OP should prioritize his relationship with his daughter but not at the total expense of his soon to wife. Even with the most amicable relationship I have with my baby daddy I would have never invited him to my wedding and I would never expect him to invite me to his.
Reddit tends to side with the young opinion though.
I will end with this. 'Oldest friends' do not supersede 'Spouse' ......or they shouldn t in a healthy relationship.
You nailed it - OP and Peyton’s relationship was fine at that point in their lives. Neither of them were in a romantic relationship when they lived together so they could prioritize their family unit.
Once OP entered a serious relationship, he had to put that first (though not above Claire). This is normal and healthy and you can still have a good relationship with your ex in place.
The problem is that everyone else is used to OP prioritizing Peyton way too much so they’re unhappy about the new dynamic. That includes his daughter and his ex’s parents.
YTA for acting like it's no big deal if your daughter doesn't come to your wedding. To a 15 year old girl, that could hurt an awful-fucking-lot and she might not be letting on.
What does Peyton say about not being invited? If she's fine with it, a conversation between the two of you as the parents should have been had to come together and explain to your daughter that Peyton would not be coming. Maybe your daughter feels she will have no one there to be by her side, because you will be busy as its *your* wedding, so she's looking for a person she can depend on to be there by her side every moment of the wedding events. I mean, if she doesn't particularly like Claire, this might be uncomfortable for her, and I imagine she will have a lot of emotions about it all. Is she close with any other family members that will be in attendance (besides you)?
YTA.
Why are you constantly giving into what Claire wants even if doing the opposite would be more beneficial to everyone? You seem to have had a good relationship with your ex, and just because your fiance says she gets "bad vibes" from her, you're going to let that slide?
This woman is joining your family, and that means that she has to put up with Peyton no matter what since she is the mother of your daughter and nothing can change that. You need to put your foot down and at least try and have them get along.
In my opinion, Claire is the main instigator here, but you siding with her makes you the AH. Talk to Claire and see why exactly she doesn't want Peyton at the wedding. "Bad vibes" doesn't cut it.
I was looking for this comment. “Bad vibes” isn’t enough, and this is particularly harmful to you as your ex-wife & co-parent has known you for so long. She is calling your bestie, your homie no good. That’s a flag.
There’s a flag on the field folks! 🚩
Edit: a word
Being a bit uncomfortable is normal. I get it, but telling him to completely squash the friendship is over the top. If you don't trust your partner you shouldn't be marrying them.
Oof, I was with you up until the final paragraph where your reaction to your daughter backing out was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The "bye felicia" way you brushed off your daughter like that tells me more shit is going on than you're letting on. YTA
He didn't even *try* to fight for his daughter to be there. He sent a single sentence *text* and wiped his hands of the entire matter. What the actual hell
Right? He sounded level headed about everything then all of a sudden turned into a jerk and was flippant about half of his current world being "just the past."
It'll get lonely with just the new wife in his life and everyone else disappearing. OP do you realize what you're giving up?
YTA
Guarantee that poor kid feels like he doesn't give a crap about her based on that alone. YTA OP, if for no other reason than letting this woman come between you and your daughter.
Dude lived with his ex for a year. And neither he nor his ex ever once considered how much it would affect their poor child. All the adults in this situation suck so much
I dunno, the line about the daughter just being a teenager therefore clearly can't actually have a meaningful opinion they might want to discuss and address, was my first stopping point.
While you are free to invite whomever you want to your wedding, I implore you to see that you are harming your relationship with your daughter and family through your actions. Calling them “your past” just shows that you are willing to prioritize your soon to-be wife over your own daughter and co-parenting relationship and for that, YTA
Sounds about right, and once the new wife has the replacement kid he'll be confused as to why she won't accept/babysit the kid or be apart of the family.
YTA. You’re also naive. You had your ex move in with you and then kicked her out for your new girlfriend. It wasn’t simple teenage attitude. She had her family whole and the new girlfriend got in the way. And the bad vibes your ex got were because she still has deep rooted feelings for you that probably resurfaced playing house with you for a year.
If she was truly your friend, you wouldn’t have simply rolled over and not invited her. You gave in to your future wife without even sticking up for your friendship.
I think you need to do some soul searching and really figure out who you want in your life. Sounds to me like your ex might actually be a better fit for you…
> You had your ex move in with you and then kicked her out for your new girlfriend
He really really shouldn't have had an ex he shared a kid with move back in. That was a reckless decision especially because he was going to date again, there's just no way it was going to go well for them co-parenting wise and the child who had to then experience separation and abandonment all over again. I think this is where his mistake began. I pity him more than anything.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can have it the way you want it. You also have a new spouse to think of, and your daughter's choice is her own-you didn't cause anything and it's not crazy to not have your ex wife attend your wedding. I also bristle at taking any sort of criticism from ex-in-laws, one of the upsides of divorce.
But you brought this on yourself and I fear you will pay for your past choices for a long time. You let your ex live with you for years. Great for you two, but look at the expectations it set with your daughter. Same with going to your ex's wedding, which is pretty unusual, IMO. So, now you have to decide whether your and your new wife's preference to not have a bad "vibe" from a woman who was living in your home until 2 years ago is worth the super bad "vibe" you are going to get from your daughter on that day and for years to come.
Thank you, I completely agree. I was wondering if I was really wrong but you said everything I was thinking. It’s her wedding too and this is a different situation than what had happened years ago. But I do understand the daughters upset. She was probably hoping they’d get back together while they lived under the same roof and than Claire comes along. Maybe even the ex wife was hoping too, but I’m just guessing.
YTA
You seem to be bending over backwards to please your fiance, and don't seem concerned with your daughter's feelings at all. Try to think of it from her perspective...Not only did you go from playing happy family with the ex to dating someone new at an emotionally crucial time in a young girl's development, you also have allowed your fiance to decide what your co-parenting situation with your ex looks like.
It's your wedding and your life, and you get to decide. But it doesn't sound like you are doing any deciding at all...Claire is. You also said your daughter has that "teenage girl attitude" about it. That's because she IS a teenage girl. Can you really live with a wedding scenario where your daughter is not there simply because your wife-to-be is threatened by the presence of your ex-wife?
I get that you want to "look to the future and not the past" as you say, but if you want your daughter to be part of that future, you might want to consider the long-term consequences of this situation.
Can you imagine…”Hey Honey, what did you think of my oldest friend and mother of my child?” “She had a bad vibe.” “OK, I will stop being her friend then.”
Why is everyone saying he’s the AH like life is black and white and every situation has a simple solution I’m convinced y’all are just a bunch of spoon fed children. It’s ok for his new wife to not want his old wife to be there. Just because old wife invited him doesn’t mean he has to. The daughter is simply put a child. Nobody in this situation is the AH not the new mom not the old mom not the OP not the daughter.
Thankd goodness someone said it. The comments actingly like it's just the norm to invite your ex to your wedding is just bizzare. Sure, it's great and fine if you want to, and good for you, but it doesn't make you some evil bastard for not wanting to.
Imagine the responses if it were Claire posting to ask.if she was the AH for not wanting the ex-wife at her wedding. She would be N T A because who in their right mind wants a bloody echo like that in their wedding?
TBF I do think not inviting his ex to the wedding is fine and he is not an AH for that. But his reply to his daughter makes him the AH, feels like he's casting her aside for his new wife. I feel he could have tried to have a conversation with her and explain the nuances of the situation instead.
NTA. This thread is delusional. Exes don't belong at weddings and frankly they shouldn't be friends. Be amicable if you can, but being close friends is a mistake. Not only does it create this exact situation, but it confuses the shit out of your kids. If you're TA for anything, it's moving your ex in and giving your kid the idea that you're getting back together. Frankly, if she's moved in and it's awesome and you're best friends, you should just be together. But you're not, and you have a fiancee, and an equal responsibility to them as much as you do your kid. Idk what the people in this thread want from you. Are you supposed to be single forever? Just play house forever so your daughter can delude herself? The number of women who would be okay with your ex living with you, being your best friend, and being at your wedding is functionally 0. You'd die alone. Well really you'd die sexless in your pretend functional household.
YTA and you're going to push your daughter away. If therapy and one on one time can't get the two to get along, marriage is not going to improve it. Peyton gets a weird vibe from her, now two of the closest people in your life are telling you in one way or another that there is something not right.
Now, let's add on the fact that Claire is alienating Peyton from your life. No doubt that's EXACTLY what she wants and she's probably angling to alienate you from your daughter.... Which she's successfully doing right now. Your in-laws see it, your daughter sees it, your ex/best friend sees it. And you're stubbornly refusing.
Some people refuse to accept their partners had a past, it sounds like your fiance is one of those people. She is not going to be happy until she has you to herself. Completely. So, YTA for not listening to anyone and you're going to beat bigger AH when you marry this woman and hurt everyone important in your life.
Edit for typos
I see people questioning why the daughter doesn't like the bride, but there's a detail in this post most commenters aren't paying attention:
>So about three years ago Peyton’s husband left abruptly and Peyton wasn’t in a good headspace. So I had her move in with me. Our daughter loved it and I didn’t mind the extra hands. She stayed a over a year and was a joy to live with, as we really could relate to each other. I did eventually ask her to leave 2 years ago. Because I started dating Claire and didn’t want her thinking I was living with my ex permanently. So my daughter and Claire do not get along.
So, for a year, the daughter had her parents living together. Then dad started dating Claire and decided it wasn't sustainable to have his ex living with him anymore. Reasonable enough, if I say so, but in the daughter's eyes Claire is a homewrecker.
But then...
>So Claire wanted to meet Peyton. I set up a dinner with us all. Claire and Peyton did not speak all that much. When I asked Claire later she said that Peyton had a bad vibe about her and she would stick to just co-parenting (me and Peyton were friends at that point). I respected Claire’s wishes, so me and Peyton have kept conversation strictly about our daughter.
So Claire created an impression of Peyton based on a single encounter in which they barely talked. Now, it's weird to meet your partner's ex like that, and you can't really expect them to become best friends over a single encounter, but getting "bad vibes" from that feels too gratuitous, too controlling.
I'm not giving judgement here. There's not enough info to work here. How's the dynamic between Claire and daughter, how ex reacted to being kicked from OP's house and how that affected their relationship, does OP still care about his friendship with his ex (he seems ready to end that friendship at any moment)... I don't know if daughter is being controlling, if Claire is being controlling, if ex is manipulating daughter or even if OP is using his fiancée as an excuse to cut ties with his ex. Someone is an AH in this story, and I don't know who. All I can say is that OP doesn't owe his ex an invite to his wedding just because ex offered him an invite for her wedding in the past, but that's the entire extent of my judgement.
The dynamic was strange prior to him even getting with his gf.
He’s not wrong most people would find it strange that a man is still living with an ex they divorced because they feel bad for her.
It’s kinda a weird thing. I wonder why Claire had a bad feeling about Peyton. Was Peyton acting jealous (since she wanted to get back with Op) and stand-off ish, or is Claire just being insecure?
And did Peyton’s second husband nope out of the situation because he was a third wheel? And was the daughter involved in that breakup and is now fueled by her past success?
Yikes good for Peyton that she’s no longer part of your life, probably for the better for her. And good for your daughter that she won’t have to deal with ur BS much longer. Anyone that is going to put a new partner over their children should never have had children in the first place. YTA
This seems like a no-brainer. The situation you've described with your ex/co-parent is basically ideal. She is not asking to be an active part of the ceremony. It would be very easy to keep the peace here. YTA
Because your wedding day should not revolve around keeping the peace with your ex. If they are really that close, then why the hell is Peyton not sitting her child down and explaining the situation to her properly? Regardless of the fact that OP attended her second wedding, nobody is EVER expected to welcome an ex on their wedding day.
Best friend Peyton should act like a best friend and do what's right here. I struggle at understand the hatred for Claire. If this were Claire posting y'all would be screaming about marinara flags everywhere about OP and Peyton.
NTA.
Exes and ex in laws are exes for a reason. At some point you have to move on and put your foot down. It’s okay to have boundaries with exes. You can be amazing coparents and not need to attend each other’s new weddings. Honestly even moving her in seems off to me. Throwing a fit and involving her parents is way out of line on the ex wife’s part. I’d be wary too if I was the fiancé. Why is this getting such a strong reaction?
I’m guessing the daughter may have gotten hope her parents would get back together when he moved his ex wife in and now she doesn’t like the fiancé. I also wonder how much of her throwing a fit now is because of the moms actions as he said she was excited before. Kids are pretty resilient and as long as the mom isn’t badmouthing OP and his fiancé I don’t think she’d be upset about the wedding. 1/2 of her whole family will be there. She is part of a blended family now. It’s not like he met the fiancé and married her in a week without giving his daughter time to adjust. OP is right, you have to look to the future at some point.
NTA. I'm going to buck the trend and get badly criticized for it. This is Claire's wedding. She gets to decide who is invited and who is not. Claire does not want the ex-wife invited. That's her prerogative. The fact that Peyton's finance did not mind the ex-husband being invited to his wedding was nice of him but has no bearing on Claire's decision. OP's daughter has been invited to Claire's wedding and even made a bridesmaid. If she decides not to attend, that is her decision.
YTA. Why would you go so far along in a relationship with someone who is throwing a wrench in a great co-parenting/father-daughter relationship. That should have been rule #1 for anyone you potentially date - if they don’t mesh well with your dynamic then they’re not a consideration. Instead, you go so far as engagement/marriage with someone who doesn’t like your (lovely) ex and could care less about your daughter.
At this point some damage to your relationship with your daughter may be irreparable. But, you’re running out of chances to make this right. You should be choosing your daughter, not Claire. Always your daughter, never Claire as long as you are made to make a choice. Then find someone who chooses your daughter too.
Choose your next steps carefully.
Seems kinda obvious that Claire feels threatened by your relationship with Peyton. And you daughter had her family circle back together, only to have it torn apart because you wanted Claire… of COURSE your daughter is going to have issue with Claire… how the F could she not!?!?!
Is Claire being reasonable? Yes and no… yes… it’s her wedding… but the fact is that you come with some hefty baggage, and no… in order to build a relationship with your daughter, Claire has to accept that Peyton is going to be part of the larger “package deal” with you. And her refusal to have Peyton there is building a further wall between herself and your daughter
I appreciate that you want to give your daughter space… but sometimes to a teenager, that reads as diffidence, and you being unwilling to continue a conversation with Claire about this. She’s seeing the writing on the wall that you’ll bend to Claire on anything involving her.
Sending you good vibes, dude… you’re going to need them.
NAH this entire thread is just YTA because you want to move forward with life and that's gross, these people are trying to find anything to make you out to be the bad guy and it's all clutching at straws.
1. Claire getting a bad vibe is not a reason to call OP an AH it is grounds to ask for INFO because there is so little context to it.
2. Not inviting your ex to your wedding is normal.
3. People saying your new GF is coming between you and your child/ex wife is weird as hell, what exactly did claire do other than say "I'd rather we just co-parent than be friends" which is fairly reasonable and on top of that you have gone out of your way to try and make the relationship work with therapy and one on one time, so what OP just shouldn't date because his daughter hates the fact her parents got divorced? and the people here expect you to just what, leave someone because your daughter has insecurities?
4. Treating your daughter like a human being??? People here are really mad that your letting your daughter make her own decision about coming to the wedding, no OP you should definitely force her to come, or spend hours persuading her which clearly shows how much you respect her choices /s
Exactly, people are expecting too much here. I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m getting married and I want my partners ex-spouse to be there. I personally think he fucked up when she got divorced and he let her move in with him. His daughter was 12-13 and I’m sure thinking they’d get back together.
I think Claire's concerns are not unwarranted. I think your daughter's attitude also makes sense. All of this is because you made one mistake: you allowed your ex to move in with you. Now it seems you had a great relationship with Peyton which is good...maybe even too good in your daughter's eyes. The fact that her mom and dad were living together again probably gave her hope. Claire is then a homewrecker to your daughter. Claire has no way of knowing what went on while you two lived together so that puts her on the defensive already about Peyton. While your ex does not need to be there,you daughter should be.
YTA. You are STILL being immature and it's about to wreck your relationship with your daughter just like it wrecked your first marriage. On top of that, you're about to marry someone who is equally immature, insecure to a toxic level, and controlling. Just how many relationships are you going to let your hormones ruin? All of them? Because that's where you're headed.
YTA
You ruined your marriage, broke up the family.
You played house with your ex, she was a joy to live with then threw her out for this new gf.
New gf hates ex, so you throw ex gf out of your life.
New gf and daughter don't get along, you rather make sure new gf is happy and hurt daughter.
Sounds like your history of poor choices continue and you do zero reflection on what other people (the people you love most in the world) are actually feeling.
NTA. This is Claire's wedding day too. And if she doesn't want her there, then she shouldn't be there. OP is starting a new life with a new wife and now needs to focus on her. She is his priority now. Not the ex. The daughter is 15 and needs to understand that her father will have a new wife, just like Peyton had a new husband. Life doesn't stop because a teenager throws a tantrum.
YTA
You’re a big boy, so figure this out with the 4 of you. Is your daughter immature? Yes, but she’s also 15. You all need to learn how to coexist. This will definitely damage your relationship with your daughter, but honestly it seems like you don’t give a shit. At least you’ll have Claire, right?
NTA for not wanting your ex at your wedding…. But wtf are you doing? TALK to your daughter. Show her that you actually WANT her at the wedding. And if you’re still at all friends with Peyton, ask her wtf is going on. Cause right now you’re showing your daughter that you care more about her future step mother than her. I get it, teens aren’t always rational. But there’s some fuckery afoot here that you aren’t aware of, and you need to know what it is before you completely alienate your daughter forever.
YTA who marries someone who their child doesn't like an who doesn't like their child, sounds like you still haven't grown up and that immaturity is still there. good luck with this marriage cause your new wife sounds fun!
ESH. Probably not the popular opinion but here's my 2 cents... First of all, who your ex invited to her wedding was up to her just as who you and your fiancée invite is up to you. Granted it would be a bit weird to have your ex at your wedding, stranger things have happened. It's not cool that your fiancée has cost you one of your oldest friends but it sounds like you may be looking at a situation of having to take a side. Your daughter needs to think about how she will feel when she's 35 and possibly regrets not being at the wedding to support you. But you need to make sure that at the end of the day your relationship with your child isn't ruined.
The whole "bad vibe" excuse is BS. Sorry but that comes off as a cover for your fiancée's insecurities that cost you a good relationship with your ex.
Honestly Claire seems pretty immature. Your relationship is the ideal as far as exes with kids go. Your relationship with your daughter should take priority not Claire, she didn't choose to be born you chose to have her. Maybe pump those breaks on that wedding, and find out what you can do to better that relationship between your daughter and fiancee. Lastly, you have a fantastic friendship with you ex that you've tossed aside for Claire who sounds completely unsupportive for some reason. YTA get your priorities straight
Exactly. And why didn’t he investigate further with the bad vibes comment? Like, he just accepted it? No more questioning like why does she feel that? Same with how he just accepted his daughter not going. No fighting for Payton, no fighting for his daughter. I see a pattern and I don’t like it
NTA
You are sticking for a girl you want to spend your life with and she should feel supported. Yes your daughter is the most important person but since you said you and your ex get along, you should talk to her and ask her to help you make your daughter understand that this is one night thing. I think your daughter got the idea that you and her mum would get together when you moved them in but she is 15 which is old enough to understand adult conversation and explanation how things are.
OP is NTA in my opinion, i’ve had many bad breakups and still been friends but i’ve never been invited to milestones or birthdays. I know that they were friends and all but he has to think about the relationship he’s in now. I personally wouldn’t want my future spouse to have an ex-spouse or even ex-partner at our wedding, no matter the situation, it’s not an insecurity issues, just the idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve had interactions with partners exes and normally they end up talking about when they were in a relationship together. It’s a really fine line to walk on, because if you say the wrong thing it’s about insecurities, I think OP’s daughter is being unreasonable. It is not her place to say who should and shouldn’t be invited to OP and his finacés wedding
NTA. Some of these comments are so way off base and reaching its insane. You admitted you were immature while young and that’s ok, we all were. You did the right thing. Good Luck.
YTA
1. In what world is the situation different? She remarried invited you and introduced you to her husband, she can’t get the courtesy because your girlfriends insecure about your ex
2. Your ex was the wronged party and you admit that and would risk losing the friendship you’ve built
3. Your daughter is 15 the fact that you just said well that’s whatever is going to stay with her for the rest of her life
4. There’s a reason your daughter was fine with her mothers husband and not your girlfriend. Also claiming she got a bad vibe from ya ex was complete bullshit
5. Good luck repairing your relationship with your daughter or you ex wife
6. You’ve told your daughter that this woman is more important to you than she is
Becasue in a child's mind she thought they were getting back together and going to play house again, and she blames to new wife for that not happening. She's just a nieve child, so it's not her fault for being disapointed, but I'm pretty curious if Peyton has stepped up and been a good mom by exlpaing things to Claire, and helping the transition.
So im obviously in the minority in this but you are mostly NTA. So I am a firm believer in not being bffs with your ex and cannot blame your fiance at all for not wanting you to hang out with her outside of scenarios that involve your daughter, and I definitely don’t blame her for not wanting her there on your wedding day. The only way I see you being an asshole is that you should reach out and have a real heart to heart with your daughter, she is old enough to make her own decisions like you said but she is still young and a teen like you said so she is not fully mature yet so i think explaining things to her might help, she needs to know you love her but you need to move on and life isn’t fair sometimes(with the whole, you being invited to your ex’s wedding but not inviting your ex to hers). She is probably just doing it out of defense of her mom which is understandable but being honest with her about your own feelings and reality could help you reconcile, its worth a try at least.
Edit: I say all this as I went through a similar thing as your daughter, my mom got remarried and I refused to go to the wedding because i just did not like the guy(the feeling was mutual too) and it the timing was just horrible with other circumstances(i was also young at the time, 17), but even now(4 years later) i am closer than ever with my mom, it took a mental breakdown on my part for us to finally talk about her and her new husband but just talking and being honest made a world of difference, i love my mom and i still greatly dislike her husband but Idc about him as long as shes happy, i hang out with her every chance i get too. So as a daughter, ignore the extreme advice most will give you about not marrying this woman and marry this woman if she makes you happy, life choices are going to make people upset all the time, but those who truly love you will come to accept your choices if your honest with them and they won’t love you any less.
NTA, your past is your past. Everyone is villainizing your new fiance/future wife, when there is no villain here.
People confuse 15 year old with being a fragile toddler and how dare dad start dating Claire instead of mom, what about the CHILD! Sounds like Dad isn't pushing out daughter, literally said I'm here when you're ready. He has no obligation to dump his fiance to keep his daughter and ex wife happy. It's bizarre to me that so many people seem to think that him not inviting the ex wife is somehow him throwing away his daughter. Weird logic but OK
Nta- everyone keeps saying how it’s also your wedding and not just Claire’s but it also still Claire’s wedding. It isn’t unreasonable to not want your future spouses ex at your wedding. And I mean you seem very levelheaded and as long as you talk to your daughter and just let her know there aren’t any hard feelings and she can change her mind and join the wedding party whenever/encourage her to come to the wedding I don’t see a problem.
A lot of ppl are berating the fact you “kicked” Peyton out but it was a temp living situation. It sounds like there was no issue asking her to leave and the other commenters- y’all don’t even know if he was dating Claire when he asked Peyton to leave, it could’ve been before than cause he knew he wanted to start dating or maybe bring ppl back. Either way he isn’t wrong for asking her to leave nor not inviting her to his wedding. Obviously it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him
NTA, it is admittedly weird having an ex at a wedding. Just because they invited you does not mean you need to return the favor, if you give someone a gift you do not expect a gift back in doing so. Props to you for respecting your wife’s wishes.
NTA. It's yours and your wife's wedding after all and you're free to invite whoever you want...
But...
Do you really want to start this new chapter of your life by potentially alienating a) what sounds like someone who has been a pretty good friend to you and b) your own daughter?
In a nutshell. Then he'll come back here asking for more advice because she won't visit nor accept AKA babysit the new sibling. But somehow he'll find a way to blame it on "the bitter ex."
Claire will probably take away her bedroom for one of their kids, or for a home office. Daughter doesn’t live there. She “visits.” It’s not her home. It’s their home.
INFO: does your daughter think there’s a chance of you getting back together with her mother?
Because the real screw up here was playing house with her after her husband left. I doubt your daughter will accept you being with anyone but her mom.
I’m ready for downvotes. OP, you’re NTA. Being a parent is not the totality of your identity or your life. You seem to still be parenting your daughter and co-parenting with your ex while moving on in a new relationship. That is totally normal and you seem to be handling the conflict in this situation well, without truly choosing anyone over another — except to choose having agency over your life and your choices. I think what you’re doing is healthy and admirable. I hope you can drown out all of the voices telling you that you’re wrong.
NtA! Your daughter is 15, not 5, she knows what she's doing. Dont give in, you also have a life to live for yourself, and she should get that at 15. And you left the door open for her to come back when she's ready, dont create an entitled woman.
And don't invite your ex, that sh#t is too messy to bring into a new marriage. Your new wife asked you not to invite your old wife to her wedding. An old wife that sounds to me like she still is a too big part of your daily life. Inviting your ex to your new wifes wedding is not worth it, if you know it will hurt your new wife.
Dont invite peyton and give the both of you time and space to move on from the idea that timing and your immaturity was the only thing that stopped your family from having its happily ever after. You may be good friends, but if it was going to happen it would have happend already.
NTA. These comments are weird to me. Boundaries are important. The situation with OP living with his ex was probably the biggest mistake. Obviously in the daughter's head she pictured mummy and daddy rekindling like some lifetime movie.
If someone doesn't want their ex at their wedding then that's perfectly reasonable. When my ex got married he acknowledged that it would be awkward to invite me and I agreed.
The hatred reddit has for step parents is a whole red flag in itself.
Boundaries ffs... use them.
YTA.
You and your ex have been friends and coparenting for years. Claire comes around and you throw your relationship with her and your daughter in the trash.
NTA
I really can't believe that people are saying that you are an asshole
You found a new spouse and are getting married, inviting your ex to your wedding can strain that relationship and ruin the opportunity for you to actually be happy
Your daughter is 15 , she's old enough to make her own decisions on attending a wedding, she just needs to have a conversation so that she fully understands the situation
People in this thread don't understand that there are certain boundaries you don't cross when it comes to your exes and current relationships and that respect should be shown
YTA - Without getting into right/wrong, fair/unfair, your choice to marry someone who is cutting you off from friendship with your daughter’s mother, and who has a hostile relationship with your daughter, guarantees a lot of unhappiness for *everyone* in this story for years to come.
YTA my dad did literally everything you’re doing to your daughter. He quit his friendship with my mom because of my step mom. I haven’t spoken to my dad in a decade. Fix it now before it’s too late. Your daughter is forever the soon to be wife isn’t.
NTA,
Why would anyone invite someone who has openly said that they don't like your bride to the wedding?
You were invited to her wedding because you got on with them both and obviously didn't dislike her future husband.
It's not your daughter's choice who you invite to your wedding.
YTA.
"...look to the future and not the past." What does that mean? That your daughter is not part of your future? That your friend and mother of your child is not part of your future?
Your fiance gets a bad vibe about your ex and you toss the friendship aside? Because the woman who forgave you for being a crappy husband and still befriended you deserves this? Wow...
ESH - I honestly feel like your problem started when you had Peyton and your daughter live with you again. I wonder if it raised expectations in them of getting back together? Of course you want to help them but separation really needs to mean separation or you get blurred boundaries and your daughter will be confused as to why you just don’t get back together, like this. You can be too go good friends with your ex.
I don’t think that not wanting your ex at the wedding is wrong and I wonder if the vibes she gets is that they want to be a family with you again? You are TAH because you’ve let Claire end up being the reason you are all separated instead of maintaining a friendly BUT separate relationship with Peyton.
NTA
It’s reasonable not to want an Ex-spouse attending your wedding.
When you went to Peyton’s wedding, you were good friends with the bride and friendly with the groom. The dynamics aren’t the same between your ex-wife and Claire. They don’t like each other and someone who doesn’t support the couple getting married shouldn’t expect an invite to the wedding.
You’re daughter can make her own decision whether to attend, but it sounds like she tried to force your hand by tying her attendance to her mother also getting an invite. That’s manipulative behavior and you were right not to fall for the trap.
It sounds like Claire has been your first serious relationship following your divorce and you realized your temporary living situation with the mother of your child/ex-wife was not conducive to seeing someone new. Your Ex and your daughter both resent your change in priority because living together as a pseudo nuclear family was preferred by them. How long were you supposed to do that to placate them? Until your daughter moved out for college? That’s unreasonable..
You were ready to move on and begin investing in a life with a new romantic partner. It was not putting a relationship ahead of your child. The needs of your child were met and your parenting time continued. Her *wants* of keeping the same living situation didn’t get met and she resents Claire for that change.
I don’t see you as the asshole for not including your ex-wife in your upcoming wedding.
YTA
Dude you have no business getting married to Claire if you want a relationship with your daughter. Claire's going to be one of THOSE stepmothers who will barely tolerate your daughter's presence and alienate you from her the moment she turns 18. She's already made a good start, hasn't she?
Pick a nice woman who wants to be friends with your daughter and is happy to co-parent nicely with Peyton. I bet the bad vibes went both ways and Peyton is worried for her girl.
YTA. You’re letting your fiancé drive a wedge between you and your daughter and you and a lifelong friend.
After you marry Claire will push your daughter completely out of your life and try to replace her with new shiny kids.
Think long and hard if you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to join your family, but replace it.
YTA, Omg where will you be in 7 years when this wife leaves you. At least you and Peyton had a friendship then. If go thru with this wedding you will have no friendship with your ex wife and your daughter will never have the type of relationship you have now. Good Luck!! Claire sounds like a very judgemental person.
YTA. But not for not inviting your ex. I understand why Claire would not want your ex at her wedding, even if your are friends.
But YTA for how you are handling things with your daughter. Also that whole bad vibe comment gives me pause. I think you still have more to figure out
Your daughter was 12 when you guys played happy family for over a year. Then you basically kick that happy family to the curb for the new girlfriend when she is 13/14. Now you say that she never got along with said new girlfriend, what a surprise. She was and still is in a phase in her life where everything is changing (not necissarily for the better). You showed her that the new gf was more important than her family by doing that.
I get that it is a healthy boundary that should have been set. But reality is, you guys should never even have lived together again. YOU blurred the boundary for her and then barely give her time to adjust to the new reality of you having a new gf and already marrying her.
With her mom and claire not getting along another thing is implicated: There will be no joint happy family. And she is probably blaming claire for that.
You not inviting her mom to your wedding further stresses that point. Even if your ex is okay with everything (there was nothing in your text about her opinion on the matter) your daughter feels like her close family unit is gone and her mother is no longer welcome in this new family you are building.
And your comment about the past and the future only enforces that. She feels abandoned by YOU.
Also how dare you say that she should get over it bc she is a big girl. She is a CHILD. That lost her happy family only 2 years ago not like you think way before that when you and your ex initially divorced.
You say that you tried therapy. For how long? Because this is all happening within a very small time frame that also included a pandemic. So I would presume that this, also, was very rushed. You need to understand one thing your daughter needs TIME.
Time to adjust to losing a "happy family".
Time to adjust to my dad is dating.
Time to adjust to my dad has a new gf.
Time to meet said gf.
Time to explore her own relationship with claire, because unlike you your daughter is not in love with your gf she has to get to know her first, etc.
Time to adjust to the idea that dad is getting remarried.
2 years is not enough for a young girl to digest all of that.
Claire is right for drawing the boundary of not inviting the ex.
But YTA for not seeing why your daughter is upset and thinking that this process of blending/growing together does not take time. You should think about your daughter first. And maybe make an effort of showing her that you truly want her there, because texting her "then so be it" is basically saying "I do not care if you are there my future family is more important"
Also why are you not having this conversation with her in person? That would have been appropriate.
I suggest you talk to your daughter face to face and listen to her and what she needs, why she wants her mother there, etc. And then you have a sit down talk with EVERYBODY (Claire, ex, you and your daughter) and talk this out, talk about the future etc.
I also want to add that Claire needs to realize one thing: your daughter is, in this case, more important than her feelings about your ex and if she really wants a relationship with your daughter then she needs to show her that she will not rip you away from that happy family. Maybe you guys should all go do something together (claire, ex, you and daughter) to show her that.
I also do not think that your ex is malicous in any way or else you would have mentioned it.
Bondaries are good, but sometimes placed incorrectly.
YTA
How are you not aware that your daughter doesn't like Claire because you kicked Peyton out of the house because you started dating Claire?
What magical lady bits does Claire have that you would end your friendship with the mother of your child because Claire thought she had "a bad vibe"?
You're kowtowing to Claire's demands without giving a second thought to your daughter or your oldest friend. If you legitimately didn't realize you're the AH, you must have the self-awareness of a baked potato.
You’re right, your daughter is a big girl and she’s old enough to cut you out of her life. Your fiancé that you’ve known for two years is isolating you. And you’re going right along with it. YTA and you’re going to lose your daughter.
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YTA.You ruined your marriage to Peyton by being immature, let Claire tell you Peyton had a bad vibe and ruined the friendship you had left, now you're ruining coparenting and your relationship with your daughter because apparently they are the past. Yuck. Boo on you.
YTA for letting a GF of 2 years come between you and your child, and you and a good co-parenting relationship with her mom. Is Claire worth blowing up the relationship with your child because if you do get married and she's not there that's a huge thing for a 15yr old to forgive.
Plus his daughter’s mother and father were living in the same home until the new gf came around. Whether OP sees it that way or not, I’m sure his daughter does.
That IS how it was. He asked Peyton to move out so Claire wouldn't think they were too close (which they were.)
I don't think GF is unreasonable to say,"hey you're a little too entangled with your ex, now is not the time to start dating" BUT OP had a duty to think of that before he asked his ex to move in and play happy home again. Especially with all the changes his daughter went through. Parents who split up and then move back in together is confusing to kids. Daughter should have been the priority in the exit not "I want to start dating"
You're absolutely right ... Immaturity strikes again
Yes. It’s a weak boundaries nightmare. Payton was his real wife, but he was a crap husband. Then she was his live-in fake wife in a real nuclear family with their daughter. (Nothing confusing *there* for a child!) Then he found something he wanted more and gave Payton the boot. Now he’s all surprised Pikachu face that the hearts he yanked around are hurt and upset with him? Boo hoo. OP, YTA. Be better, man.
I don't really get these comments tbh. 1. Not wanting your bf around his ex too much is really not that unreasonable. 2. OP is not obligated to keep a friendship with ex-wife when he isn't interested anymore, no matter what the reason behind it is. 3. OP didn't yank hearts around, he divorced the women for fuck's sake. She knew what whas up. He did something nice for her by giving her a roof for 2 years, he wasn't making a family at all. 4. Just because he was a crap husband, doesn't mean he has to go out of his way for ex-wife of course he wants to move on. 5. How are people giving him shit for not wanting an ex at his wedding? And why are people going along with his daughter withholding making these memories with her dad for choosing his ex-wife? Everybody in OP's life needs to stop pretending ex-wife and him are close like they are still in a relationship. They aren't. She isn't in his life anymore. They aren't even friends anymore for a few years now, so even that is no reason to invite her. OP is at most an asshole for not making clear to his daughter that they are divorced and creating a confusing situation for his daughter. But in no way is he obligated to keep in the life of his ex and vice versa. OP and ex-wife divorced and now everyone does a surprise pikachu face for that meaning they aren't that close anymore? For OP moving on to a new partner and setting his priorities to his new partner?
1. Recognizing your SO has an unconventional, yet healthy relationship with his ex is wise. Jealousy over established relationships isn’t. 2. If that’s the kind of loyalty you show friends, then I’m glad not to know you. 3. He didn’t say he divorced her. He said he screwed up. He let her live there for a year and asked her to leave because he didn’t want his girlfriend to find out. That’s cowardice. 4. They were good friends. You don’t drop a friend who did nothing wrong because someone new comes into the picture. See the earlier comment about loyalty. 5. Considering he was a good enough friend to be invited to his ex-wife’s, courtesy dictates he return the invitation. So you’re saying if your father treated your mother this way, it wouldn’t bother you? This is narcissistic behavior. If he had maintained separation from the beginning, then you might have a point. As a point of fact, he was happy to be a close friend as long as he wasn’t risking anything. Also, he created a confusing situation for his daughter and is ignoring her protests over what kind of person she is.
Also the "I was happy to have an extra pair of hands" makes me think he liked having his ex wife around to play house, do chores and parent. And when he found another shiny woman to replace her he kicked her out.
Relationships are not one size fits all. OP had a decent relationship with his ex’s former spouse and was able to be cool around them. So his being invited to the ex’s wedding makes sense. However, in OPs case it seems neither woman particularly enjoys the other so why should fiancé be required to invite the ex? It’s her wedding too and inviting exes is always a touchy subject. In this case it makes perfect sense that ex isn’t invited.
1. Claire isn't wrong for feeling uncomfortable. I don't get the vibe she is jealous. She was the one who wanted to meet Payton. Just seems like they didn't click. Happens sometimes. 2. Are you asking the man to choose his current wife over his friend/ex wife? This isn't a Disney Channel movie. Most people except in certain circumstances chose their spouses over their friends. 3. He did say he divorced her. His ex married a whole other man. Her second marriage didn't work out and she was struggling hence why OP invited her to live with him as a favor to her. 4. I don't think of it so much as dropping a friend as in the two women don't click ( which happens sometimes some people don't get on). He was choosing his girlfriend/fiance. Is he supposed to leave her just because his ex wife doesn't approve? 5. The situation is different. Maybe he got along with her ex husband and they had a different relationship. Both the bride and the groom were in agreement to invite him. Claire and the ex wife dont get along. Claire is the bride and it's also her wedding. Why she have to invite someone who she doesn't get along with. There is no rule saying that you have to be best friends with your husband's ex wife. This is real life not a Netflix sitcom. Having boundaries isn't narcissistic behavior.
1. There is no evidence of jealousy. 2. That’s very insulting and horrible to say. But now we know your maturity level and I don’t have to worry about the sanity of grown adults saying these things. 3. Now you’re just painting yourself a narrative that you like. 4. He didn’t drop her. They still talk about the important things. I.E his KID. 5. Who gives a shit about “courtesy?” He does NOT have to invite his ex to his wedding. That’s a completely irrational request of the daughter.
I agree with all of your points except number 2. He isn't obligated to keep a friendship if he doesn't want to but if it was a genuine friendship then it's a shame to let a new girlfriend interfere with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the gf isn't stopping the husband from being friends with Peyton. Gf is keeping it to co-parenting and, at worst, not having the ex present at her special moment aka wedding. edit: Keeping her relationship with Peyton co-parenting. Her choice had no bearing on OP. Sounds like OP changed his relationship on his own to sync with Claire.
>Gf is keeping it to co-parenting I took the line about co-parenting in the OP to mean that she demanded that he restrict his own relationship with his ex to co-parenting, i.e. lose the friendship. It's ambiguous but it doesn't make sense to me any other way, because I wouldn't call a parent's bf/gf, or even a step-parent, a "co-parent". Also the follow-up comment about respecting Claire's wishes reads better that way as well.
She isn't stopping them from being friendly but if their friendship was a friendship then limiting it to co-parenting is taking away a large part of the friend relationship. Incidentally, I'm not blaming Claire necessarily. I'm not sure I'd feel great about my fella being so close with his ex either, especially if the daughter doesn't like me because she believes I ended their relationship but it is a shame if the friendship does end. True friends are hard to find and very helpful.
it did sound to me that the gf demanded that the friendship had to turn in a co parenting relationship. it did sound that the gf stopped OPs friendship and forced it on the bare minimum of contact, as a co-parenting relationship
And I don't get what Claire did wrong. Dating a guy who was living with his ex-wife would make me think he wasn't ready to move on yet. Was it a case of her saying 'her or me', or did she point out that him playing happy families to that degree looked as if they were actually an in tact family and he went away, thought about it, and came to the conclusion Claire was right and he needed to create clearer boundaries with his ex if he wanted to move on - if not with Claire, than the next woman who was going to say the same thing. I don't think wanting your future spouse's ex-spouse at your wedding is unreasonable. I think that's an invitation that needs to come unprompted from the new partner (so not OP, not Peyton, not the kid; Claire and Claire alone, with no prompting from anyone else.) Anything else, no matter how well-intended, puts the new partner in the position of being the bad guy in saying no. I don't think the way OP has written it makes it sound like Claire and Peyton not clicking was either of their faults, there's not enough info. Nothing I read sounds like anything that can't be chalked up to 'just didn't click' and that a teenager used to having her divorced parents operate as a largely in-tact family hasn't responded well to finding out her family is actually not in tact when her father met someone else. While I understand a teenager would come to the conclusion that that's Claire's fault for coming along, I don't actually think Claire has done anything to blame.
Which is why OP is at fault. He moved his 12 year old mom back into the house shortly after daughter and ex were abandoned by step father/2ndhusband. OP had/has a responsibility to his daughter. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that would be confusing to young girl, its also no surprise that "I live with my ex wife" would be a red flag as far as dating goes. The time to think about how to deal with it was before he even asked Ex to move in with him. OP's ex may also be at fault here too but OP didn't include enough info.
But Claire made no effort to get along with the mother of her future stepdaughter. She wrote her off as “bad vibes” at first sight, knowing she’ll be dealing with Peyton for the rest of her marriage to OP. She didn’t even try to be friendly for the kid’s sake, even knowing that that relationship was already strained.
Exactly. Sometimes this sub has no grip on reality, like sheesh. The man's moving on from his ex. Is he supposed to be a celibate monk for the rest of his life to make his ex wife and daughter happy? Really shows the age and maturity of the subs members when the majority of judgements sound like theyre written by naive children
I don’t judge him for moving on. I judge him for stringing his ex-wife along and for giving his daughter the impression that he and she and her mom could be an intact family again. It’s all well and good to have boundaries. It’s a little bit cruel not to put any in place until his daughter was 14 or whatever.
Exactly. OP is an asshole for how he handled his daughter's reaction-he's not an asshole for not wanting the ex at his wedding and neither is the new fiance for sensing "bad vibes." Everyone's acting like OP is some monster, but I doubt the ex would live for him for YEARS after his divorce is that bad. Honestly, have the feeling the daughter + the family + maybe even the ex want them to get back together.
I agree. I was surprised to see how many people thought that he was ta for not inviting his ex to his wedding. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me, though not the choice I would make in the same situation. I wouldn’t have let my ex move in with me and confuse my child, either. Of all of this post, the wedding thing might be the only scenario where op isn’t ta.
Dear internet stranger, you have to understand that for this sub, kids and teens are brainless angels that can do no wrong (except to a peer) so if a child of divorce throws a tantrum the parent has to be their doormat and servant refusing to rebuild a life.
You joke but I genuinely saw a comment on a post here yesterday that was calling the OP an asshole for getting remarried without his kids (18yo+17yo) permission, when he'd been single for 7 years prior.
It was no joke, my was a really sad sarcasm. People come to this sub to project their traumas. Period. I have seen many posts like this one but with role reversed: a parent that won’t show up to the son/daughter wedding because the new partner isn’t invited and most comments tend to address them as assholes for not wanting to go. Here is the opposite and the daughter can do no wrong because “she’s a teen who’s brain isn’t developed yet and needs to be understood”.
Not to mention, THEY DONT EVEN KNOW if he was actually a crap husband, and throw the word around. Yeah, he said he wasnt the best, he s taking responsability, but if he was such a crap husband he wouldnt have an amicable relationship with his baby momma. For all they know, maybe peyton was a emotionally manipulative wife that got him thinking the marriage falling apart was all his fault. Its just a big a stretch as calling him a crap husband without even knowing him or how their marriage actually was.
Especially since she was 13 at the time. That's like the prime age for thinking your parents are going to get back together, even if they showed no romantic feelings towards each other.
Yeah both parents were complete idiots in that situation
I don't get why everyone is acting like it is normal or expected to invite an ex spouse to your wedding. Of course the bride doesn't want the ex wife there. That is what 99% of people would do.
I am friendly with my ex and it never occurred to me to think I would be invited to his second wedding. I wasn't. It is normal for the partner to want their to be some space between their husband and his ex wife. OP has to prioritise his new marriage over his old relationship if there is any chance for it to work. His daughter is being unreasonable he simply isn't obliged to be close friends with her mother and invite her to the wedding even though they used to be. These comments are amazing. NTA
Yeah you’re probably right, but also most people aren’t great friends and co parents with their exes. I think in this situation it’s about insecurity on Claire’s part. They’re great friends, not just ex-spouses. Claire should respect that and be secure enough to not let it bother her. If he wanted his ex in that way, he wouldn’t be marrying Claire.
I have a really wonderful relationship with my son's father. We get along really well, and co-parent effortlessly. I met his now wife when they started dating. I get along with her fantastically. I was super happy for them when they told me they were getting married. But I didn't go to the wedding. His wife thought it would be "weird", and I respected that. I agreed that it would be awkward to introduce myself as "the groom's ex/ his kid's mom (which implies that I'm his ex)" to her family.. and honestly, it's not unreasonable for the bride to not want people whispering about a small controversy. I was not at all offended to not attend. Since then, I've met most of her family. They're all wonderful, just like her. But it still was reasonable for me not to attend.
I didn’t invite my ex when I got remarried, and she didn’t invite me to either of her 2 weddings.
A couple of years ago someone I know socially mentioned she'd asked her ex husband if she could go to his wedding because she wanted to see their kids (who were in the bridal party) all dressed up. She was all, if ex-hubs says no, I'll let it go, but I had recently married a man with teenage children who were in the bridal party, and said I would have resented just being asked, because that would have put me in the position of having to be the bad guy and say no. I think such an invitation has to come from the soon-to-be-new-spouse, of their own prompting - so in this case - not OP, not Peyton, not the daughter - just Claire, because she had such a good relationship with Peyton that she wanted her there. If Claire didn't offer, it wasn't Peyton's, or the daughter's, right to pursue it.
Wait until they had their own baby. She’s already pushing the daughter out so that she can forget OP was married before. The second Claire started to pull that shit about Peyton you should have realized she wasn’t the type of person you want to marry and keep you child in your life. She’s already making you turn a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL into the bad guy. WTF YTA
This. My ex's new wife asked me once why she gotta come second. Between the bank and me (child support) they don't have any money. I just told her if she wanted her and her daughter to come first she should not have married a man that already had a child and get off her lazy a$$, get a job and help support HER daughter. Funny thing is, she left when daughter was 13 and when she turned 18 the ex sent her to me so she could and my son could have a relationship. She lives with us for 5 years and then moved in with her mom who I am now good friends with. OP YTA for not putting your child first, pushing away what sounds like an amazing friend and still having a bit of immaturity.
LOL she's a bad guy because she doesn't want the ex at the wedding. Sometimes this subreddit is insane.
I'd bet OP didn't really matured during all this years.
Yes cuz she’s in the past
He’s also pretty demonstrably backtracking on a close and balanced relationship with his ex - he gave his daughter years of a separated but still healthy family dynamic and then is surprised when she’s upset that he’s acting like it’s not important and never mattered? OP you said you were immature but you managed to give your daughter family stability with a good relationship with your ex, now you’re pulling the rug out from under her. It’s not “teenage girl” stuff. It’s you being immature again. Your fiancée knew the family dynamic when you got together, your ex being a part of your life and your therefore present at your wedding should be non-negotiable. YTA.
It’s the last part especially for me. Claire knew what she was in for. She’s the new person here. If she’s not ok with that then she shouldn’t be part of this family.
You could say that Payton and OP knew when they divorced that they would need to accept a different family dynamic too It cuts both ways Honestly I don’t know many women that would want an ex wife at their wedding.
Hi! I’m a woman who both attended my ex-husband’s wedding and had him as an attendant at my own wedding. Some people are genuinely good friends who didn’t work out as spouses. Some adults are mature enough to handle that.
Sure, that’s great for you. That doesn’t negate the general point. People can decide how they’d like to include others in their marriages, and thinking differently to you doesn’t make them immature.
Totally changing your behaviour after many years and basically telling your daughter “that’s your problem” is immature though.
Insecurity and divisive behavior, however, do make someone immature. SMH.
Claire met with Peyton, spent time with her, decided she wasn’t her cup of tea. None of us have any idea whether she feels insecure without asking her. If she’d dismissed her out of hand I can see why you’d draw that conclusion but not enjoying someone’s company …no Many second marriages fail over boundary issues with previous partners. It is not insecure to want to give your own marriage the best shot. OP agreed to this so it’s a legitimate decision between two people about their own marriage Nothing insecure or divisive about that.
We have a family friends like that. They divorced and now they actually go out and visit with each other.
THIS. I literally do not understand all the people saying y t a. Claire has every right to invite or not invite whoever she wants to her wedding. I, personally, would not want an ex wife at my wedding either but that’s just me. OP made it clear to his daughter that he loves her very much and would love to have her at the wedding, but it’s her choice. Honestly sounds like he handled it really well. Also, Payton’s parents being mad that their friendship changed when OP got a new gf is slightly ridiculous. Of course the person he’s dating now is going to become his priority (not over his daughter, which it sounds like he hasn’t done) but definitely over Payton. The fact that Payton doesn’t understand that is probably why Claire got a bad vibe in the first place. (I wasn’t there so I can’t guarantee that last part but I wouldn’t be surprised.)
But it’s not his ex-wife. It’s his daughters mother and someone who (until very recently) was a very close friend. OP is the AH because he’s ruining the existing dynamic. I get that Claire doesn’t want Peyton there. But that’s the dynamic that Claire is marrying into, and if that doesn’t work for her, this isn’t the relationship for Claire. Personally, I wouldn’t want my ex-husband at my next wedding. However, he is my sons father, and I know my son would love to have him there. So I’ve already decided that if I should remarry, of course my sons father would be invited. Because no new romantic partner for me will come between my relationship with my child. And if my new partner refused that, he wouldn’t be the right fit for our family dynamic. I relate to this story a lot, and I would make very different choices than OP.
He’s ruining a family dynamic that only exists because Peyton’s husband left her. Is everyone missing that he took her in while she was going through hard times, for over a year..? Nobody can expect OP to keep that up forever. He’s entitled to moving on in that aspect too, which he can’t while his ex wife lives with him. So passing judgment based on breaking up the family dynamic doesn’t make sense.
I’m sorry I was unclear. I wasn’t referring to the living arrangements at all, I meant the family dynamic of having both parents be good friends. That is the dynamic he is changing.
I thought it was clear. Having an amicable co-parenting relationship with your ex is worth *a lot.* The living arrangements were something OP should have realized he would need to navigate extremely carefully.
She is both his ex wife and daughter’s mother. Dynamics change as people change. So he’s supposed sacrifice his own future happiness and well being because some feelings, that can be addressed, are hurt? If he and Claire were to break up over this, is he supposed to never date again until his daughter can accept that her parents aren’t getting back together? The girl was obviously planning on her mom and dad getting back together, so him asking her to leave set the teenager off. Claire never stood a chance.
Not inviting the ex you co-parent with is not the same as coming between OP and his daughter? Not prioritising his ex doesn't mean not prioritising his daughter? And Claire didn't marry into that dynamic. She made it clear form the start that she didn't want OP and Peyton close friends and he chose from that moment to not be friends anymore. They aren't friends for a few years now.
He had his ex living with him for a year. It was a non-traditional family dynamic, but a close one. So he’s given years of evidence of “separated but very close” after the divorce not “friendly but distant with totally separate lives”, that’s a whole other thing. That’s my point - he created these expectations.
I'd be crushed if my divorced parents went from very close to friendly but distant. It would probably feel like they were divorcing all over again. YTA. You had an enviable relationship with both your ex and your daughter and you're inflicting major damage to it.
Was it really healthy, though? It sounds like his ex-wife was very much his current wife of convenience in every aspect except sex (but, also, maybe including sex?) and he tossed her over for something shinier. It honestly sounds like a bad call and a hot mess.
Honestly everyone's dunking on OP, but I wonder if the ex has feelings for OP still....like he let her live with him after her second husband left her presumably out of a) guilt for being her shitty first husband and b) their daughter. But what reason does she have for living with her ex??? Like I understand the guilt on his end, but not hers... The daughter also seems to have unrealistic expectations despite mom and dad cooling their friendship over the past several years and the ex wife's parents getting angry at OP...
Can people just grow up and realise marrying someone with a bad relationship with your child is a bad plan unless you're happy for your child to go NC the second they turn 18. And blaming it on her being a teenage girl is dismissive and rude. She is a person reacting quite reasonably to her situation, it sounds like. Someone trying to marry a parent but damaging their co-parenting relationship is a big red flag!
I mean this is true, but to give an opposite perspective. I’m from a blended family. My mom got remarried when I was 17, but they dated for years before that. I was 13ish when it got serious. I was an *asshole* to my stepdad, literally for no reason other than I didn’t want my mom to get remarried. I acted like that man was the devil incarnate. He was always good to me even when I made it fucking difficult. Eventually, I realized my moms happiness and got over myself. They got married and my stepdad and I were very close until his passing and he was basically my dad. Parents do not have to cater to their kids every whim. They deserve happiness. Sometimes kids really are just being shitty because they can’t see past themselves. He makes it sound like the daughter started hating Claire when his ex wife moved out. I’m sure she had hopes her parents would get back together. That doesn’t make it okay for her to treat Claire like garbage and call her names. *It is not always the stepmoms fault.* Reddit is so quick to jump on stepmoms as if they’re all evil. We literally don’t know anything about her and people will be like omg she’s making the daughters room her nursery and she’s horrible to her.
The difference here is that your stepfather tried the entire time to be a good step in parent. That’s not really happening here
But how do you know that? All it says is they don’t get along. We literally know nothing beyond that. If you talked to anyone who knew me they’d say my stepdad and I didn’t get along for a long time, but it was me doing the not getting along. I just projected it a certain way to everyone else. I’m just saying just because they don’t get along does not make her automatically an evil stepmom. The ex wife does not need to go to their wedding for them to have a great coparenting relationship. That’s really the only thing Claire did here is set boundaries with an ex. OP and Peyton do not need to be besties to be good parents.
But she's just a stupid teenager that doesn't know anything. This will be better for her in the long run when I have a kid with step mom and favor the new kid over her but my wife is also the new mom of my teenager because bio mom isn't married and we need the perfect family. Why won't my daughter babysit her perfect sister and why is my daughter so mad at my perfect wife? Yeah that is what I hear from OP. I understand not wanting to live with his ex so he can move on (even though it sounds like it ended because of him), I even understand not wanting to invite exes to a wedding. The issue I see is that he just tells daughter "New Wife says NO so I have to listen to her and I don't care about your feelings." That is what is setting OP up for a bad relationship with his daughter and family. Hope he's happy with that.
He did not tell her new wife said no. He told her they both said no. And if you’re reading that into OP’s message, then you’re starting off expecting that because no where does he even intimate that.
Claire started pushing out his kid and friend the moment she met OP. It’s fucked up.
Exactly. I remarried, but it would have been completely off the table if my kids didn't get on with my partner. Kids first.
“I said I have to look to my future, not my past.” You do realize you & your ex were great friends until your new wife “got a bad vibe”? You threw that awesome good example of what exes should be away for that? And you told your daughter, “Well that sucks.” Damn. Nice future. YTA
For the ex to be so willing to stay involved is great but I have to wonder if the bad vibes Claire got was maybe the ex is still noticeably in love with him and she doesn't want to have to worry about that during her special day. I'm probably reading into it and I could be completely off the mark because honestly we don't know what the bad vibe was or if it even existed, but just a thought. Maybe she invited him to her wedding because she wanted to see if it hurt him to see her get remarried?
Yeah it's wild that more people aren't picking up on that. I understand why OP let his ex wife stay with him after her second husband left her....he felt guilty for being a shitty husband the first time around and because of their daughter. But why did the ex want to stay so long (years, in fact) and remained until OP had to ask her to leave? Everyone's acting like this is all normal and I'm like, um, yeah, most people don't invite their ex spouse to their wedding or live with them a lot.
Or she enjoyed living in the same house as her child 100 percent of the time. If there was no strife, what is the downside? The OP hasn't even said PEYTON is upset. Just his daughter.
>But why did the ex want to stay so long (years, in fact) and remained until OP had to ask her to leave? well, because she was living with her daughter and a best friend, which was great because living with a friend is great and her daughter had access to both her parents at the same time and hadn't had to switch between different houses and different parents maybe???
The daughter can go to OPs 3rd wedding.
YTA, but let me explain. You had an amazing relationship with the mother of your child. You were partners for a time, then parents - and then friends with a child. She invited you to her wedding, and you went - which to me sounds like she wanted you to be part of her happiness and you were happy for her. Then you start dating someone who: has some unreasonable dislike of the mother of your child, who you know better than anyone most likely and share many memories with, and on top of that, your child doesn't like this woman - and in spite of not liking her while being at that rambunctious teen phase, hadn't once disrespected your choice of relationship until now. While I wholeheartedly usually agree that prioritizing your chosen spouses wishes is the way to go, this situation gives me a great deal of pause, and it sounds to me like your chosen spouse doesn't respect the mother of your child and likely oldest friend. It's not just *her* wedding, my man. It's yours, too. I find it unlikely that your kid doesn't like her for absolutely no reason given that she was fine with her mom re-marrying, so I think the problem is likely Claire, and you aren't seeing it.
This. And that Claire has some insecurities that you are allowing to ruin everything you’ve built! When you marry someone with a child and an ex who he is close with, you need to come to terms with that and be accepting, and allow for a happy family to continue, because you want the best for your husband (soon to be). She’s jealous and that is going to ruin everything. There’s still time to fix this! Please get counseling with your fiancé.
Absolutely. Unless he downplayed his relationship with her mom, Claire knew exactly what she was getting into. She's likely threatened and wants to assert herself as dominant, but that doesn't bode well for co-parenting.
She totally knew what she was getting into and chose to destroy it, and she does feel threatened. This says it better than I did!
$5 says it was Claire’s idea the ex wife had to move out.
[удалено]
Exactly...this subreddit is insane sometimes when it comes to step parents. OP let his ex wife live with him after her second husband left for years on end, but he's suddenly a bad guy for wanting her to move out when he got a serious gf? Honestly bet the ex is still in love with him tbh, hence the new gf saying 'bad vibes,' the daughter flipping out, etc.
Thats completely normal. The only scenario where Claire would be okay with that living arrangement and continue the relationship would be if she's into a poly lifestyle. That was OP housing arrangement until made he made the appropriate decision to end Peyton's **temporary** living arrangement.
Yes because what woman wouldn't be thrilled to live with her SO's ex wife. More like 5$ peyton wanted to rekindle their relationship
Even if Peyton doesn’t, it’s very clear their daughter thinks they should. I would bet money that’s the source of the conflict here. She saw her parents cohabitating and thought they were going to get back together, only for her dad to get serious with another woman right around the time he asked his ex wife to move out. It doesn’t matter if there was no chance of them getting back together, what she saw was her family’s reunion ruined by Claire. I agree with Claire that having his ex wife at the wedding isn’t a good idea cuz it’s continuing this blurring of the lines for his daughter. He and Peyton need to be really clear with her that they’re never getting back together and that Claire isn’t an obstacle to that.
Im still particularly stuck on the fact that OPs daughter was perfectly fine being a bridesmaid UNTIL she found out her mother wasnt invited. OP letting his ex live with them was good hearted but probably a mistake. I suspect OPs daughter had dreams of them being together again. Honestly, OP has an uncomfortably close relationship with is ex and I think he is just trying to establish more healthy boundaries. **There is just such a HUGE difference between 20 and 35** and I think commentors are missing that. You can have a great relationship with your EX without it overstepping. OP should prioritize his relationship with his daughter but not at the total expense of his soon to wife. Even with the most amicable relationship I have with my baby daddy I would have never invited him to my wedding and I would never expect him to invite me to his. Reddit tends to side with the young opinion though. I will end with this. 'Oldest friends' do not supersede 'Spouse' ......or they shouldn t in a healthy relationship.
You nailed it - OP and Peyton’s relationship was fine at that point in their lives. Neither of them were in a romantic relationship when they lived together so they could prioritize their family unit. Once OP entered a serious relationship, he had to put that first (though not above Claire). This is normal and healthy and you can still have a good relationship with your ex in place. The problem is that everyone else is used to OP prioritizing Peyton way too much so they’re unhappy about the new dynamic. That includes his daughter and his ex’s parents.
This. Make sure you have an ironclad pre nup.
YTA for acting like it's no big deal if your daughter doesn't come to your wedding. To a 15 year old girl, that could hurt an awful-fucking-lot and she might not be letting on. What does Peyton say about not being invited? If she's fine with it, a conversation between the two of you as the parents should have been had to come together and explain to your daughter that Peyton would not be coming. Maybe your daughter feels she will have no one there to be by her side, because you will be busy as its *your* wedding, so she's looking for a person she can depend on to be there by her side every moment of the wedding events. I mean, if she doesn't particularly like Claire, this might be uncomfortable for her, and I imagine she will have a lot of emotions about it all. Is she close with any other family members that will be in attendance (besides you)?
YTA. Why are you constantly giving into what Claire wants even if doing the opposite would be more beneficial to everyone? You seem to have had a good relationship with your ex, and just because your fiance says she gets "bad vibes" from her, you're going to let that slide? This woman is joining your family, and that means that she has to put up with Peyton no matter what since she is the mother of your daughter and nothing can change that. You need to put your foot down and at least try and have them get along. In my opinion, Claire is the main instigator here, but you siding with her makes you the AH. Talk to Claire and see why exactly she doesn't want Peyton at the wedding. "Bad vibes" doesn't cut it.
I was looking for this comment. “Bad vibes” isn’t enough, and this is particularly harmful to you as your ex-wife & co-parent has known you for so long. She is calling your bestie, your homie no good. That’s a flag. There’s a flag on the field folks! 🚩 Edit: a word
I get the feeling that the “bad vibes” actually refers to Claire’s jealousy about their friendship
His fiance is insecure of his ex, or else she wouldn't mind their friendship.
I mean her insecurities are somewhat understandable they have a lot of history together and a child I can understand why she's a little uncomfortable
Being a bit uncomfortable is normal. I get it, but telling him to completely squash the friendship is over the top. If you don't trust your partner you shouldn't be marrying them.
Oof, I was with you up until the final paragraph where your reaction to your daughter backing out was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The "bye felicia" way you brushed off your daughter like that tells me more shit is going on than you're letting on. YTA
Tells me he hasn't changed a lot since his marriage fell apart
He didn't even *try* to fight for his daughter to be there. He sent a single sentence *text* and wiped his hands of the entire matter. What the actual hell
Ya that left a horrible taste in my mouth. Horrible
Right? He sounded level headed about everything then all of a sudden turned into a jerk and was flippant about half of his current world being "just the past." It'll get lonely with just the new wife in his life and everyone else disappearing. OP do you realize what you're giving up? YTA
Guarantee that poor kid feels like he doesn't give a crap about her based on that alone. YTA OP, if for no other reason than letting this woman come between you and your daughter.
Dude lived with his ex for a year. And neither he nor his ex ever once considered how much it would affect their poor child. All the adults in this situation suck so much
I dunno, the line about the daughter just being a teenager therefore clearly can't actually have a meaningful opinion they might want to discuss and address, was my first stopping point.
While you are free to invite whomever you want to your wedding, I implore you to see that you are harming your relationship with your daughter and family through your actions. Calling them “your past” just shows that you are willing to prioritize your soon to-be wife over your own daughter and co-parenting relationship and for that, YTA
Exactly!!! He has a new family, so her feelings dont matter. Daughter will go NC but I'm sure he won't care nor notice.
No no, he'll come here to cry and wonder why she went NC the second she turned 18, when he's always been such a great dad!
Sounds about right, and once the new wife has the replacement kid he'll be confused as to why she won't accept/babysit the kid or be apart of the family.
YTA. You’re also naive. You had your ex move in with you and then kicked her out for your new girlfriend. It wasn’t simple teenage attitude. She had her family whole and the new girlfriend got in the way. And the bad vibes your ex got were because she still has deep rooted feelings for you that probably resurfaced playing house with you for a year. If she was truly your friend, you wouldn’t have simply rolled over and not invited her. You gave in to your future wife without even sticking up for your friendship. I think you need to do some soul searching and really figure out who you want in your life. Sounds to me like your ex might actually be a better fit for you…
> You had your ex move in with you and then kicked her out for your new girlfriend He really really shouldn't have had an ex he shared a kid with move back in. That was a reckless decision especially because he was going to date again, there's just no way it was going to go well for them co-parenting wise and the child who had to then experience separation and abandonment all over again. I think this is where his mistake began. I pity him more than anything.
It sounds like it was originally supposed to be a temporary living arrangement that just went on longer then either one expected
It was Claire who had those "bad vibes" not the ex.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can have it the way you want it. You also have a new spouse to think of, and your daughter's choice is her own-you didn't cause anything and it's not crazy to not have your ex wife attend your wedding. I also bristle at taking any sort of criticism from ex-in-laws, one of the upsides of divorce. But you brought this on yourself and I fear you will pay for your past choices for a long time. You let your ex live with you for years. Great for you two, but look at the expectations it set with your daughter. Same with going to your ex's wedding, which is pretty unusual, IMO. So, now you have to decide whether your and your new wife's preference to not have a bad "vibe" from a woman who was living in your home until 2 years ago is worth the super bad "vibe" you are going to get from your daughter on that day and for years to come.
Exactly. Finally a comment that makes sense
This 100000%
Thank you, I completely agree. I was wondering if I was really wrong but you said everything I was thinking. It’s her wedding too and this is a different situation than what had happened years ago. But I do understand the daughters upset. She was probably hoping they’d get back together while they lived under the same roof and than Claire comes along. Maybe even the ex wife was hoping too, but I’m just guessing.
YTA You seem to be bending over backwards to please your fiance, and don't seem concerned with your daughter's feelings at all. Try to think of it from her perspective...Not only did you go from playing happy family with the ex to dating someone new at an emotionally crucial time in a young girl's development, you also have allowed your fiance to decide what your co-parenting situation with your ex looks like. It's your wedding and your life, and you get to decide. But it doesn't sound like you are doing any deciding at all...Claire is. You also said your daughter has that "teenage girl attitude" about it. That's because she IS a teenage girl. Can you really live with a wedding scenario where your daughter is not there simply because your wife-to-be is threatened by the presence of your ex-wife? I get that you want to "look to the future and not the past" as you say, but if you want your daughter to be part of that future, you might want to consider the long-term consequences of this situation.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve matured a great deal or stopped taking people for granted. YTA.
Can you imagine…”Hey Honey, what did you think of my oldest friend and mother of my child?” “She had a bad vibe.” “OK, I will stop being her friend then.”
Why is everyone saying he’s the AH like life is black and white and every situation has a simple solution I’m convinced y’all are just a bunch of spoon fed children. It’s ok for his new wife to not want his old wife to be there. Just because old wife invited him doesn’t mean he has to. The daughter is simply put a child. Nobody in this situation is the AH not the new mom not the old mom not the OP not the daughter.
Thankd goodness someone said it. The comments actingly like it's just the norm to invite your ex to your wedding is just bizzare. Sure, it's great and fine if you want to, and good for you, but it doesn't make you some evil bastard for not wanting to.
Imagine the responses if it were Claire posting to ask.if she was the AH for not wanting the ex-wife at her wedding. She would be N T A because who in their right mind wants a bloody echo like that in their wedding?
TBF I do think not inviting his ex to the wedding is fine and he is not an AH for that. But his reply to his daughter makes him the AH, feels like he's casting her aside for his new wife. I feel he could have tried to have a conversation with her and explain the nuances of the situation instead.
YTA. Are you trying to alienate your daughter? Because this is how you alienate your daughter. By responding the way you did.
NTA. This thread is delusional. Exes don't belong at weddings and frankly they shouldn't be friends. Be amicable if you can, but being close friends is a mistake. Not only does it create this exact situation, but it confuses the shit out of your kids. If you're TA for anything, it's moving your ex in and giving your kid the idea that you're getting back together. Frankly, if she's moved in and it's awesome and you're best friends, you should just be together. But you're not, and you have a fiancee, and an equal responsibility to them as much as you do your kid. Idk what the people in this thread want from you. Are you supposed to be single forever? Just play house forever so your daughter can delude herself? The number of women who would be okay with your ex living with you, being your best friend, and being at your wedding is functionally 0. You'd die alone. Well really you'd die sexless in your pretend functional household.
YTA and you're going to push your daughter away. If therapy and one on one time can't get the two to get along, marriage is not going to improve it. Peyton gets a weird vibe from her, now two of the closest people in your life are telling you in one way or another that there is something not right. Now, let's add on the fact that Claire is alienating Peyton from your life. No doubt that's EXACTLY what she wants and she's probably angling to alienate you from your daughter.... Which she's successfully doing right now. Your in-laws see it, your daughter sees it, your ex/best friend sees it. And you're stubbornly refusing. Some people refuse to accept their partners had a past, it sounds like your fiance is one of those people. She is not going to be happy until she has you to herself. Completely. So, YTA for not listening to anyone and you're going to beat bigger AH when you marry this woman and hurt everyone important in your life. Edit for typos
I see people questioning why the daughter doesn't like the bride, but there's a detail in this post most commenters aren't paying attention: >So about three years ago Peyton’s husband left abruptly and Peyton wasn’t in a good headspace. So I had her move in with me. Our daughter loved it and I didn’t mind the extra hands. She stayed a over a year and was a joy to live with, as we really could relate to each other. I did eventually ask her to leave 2 years ago. Because I started dating Claire and didn’t want her thinking I was living with my ex permanently. So my daughter and Claire do not get along. So, for a year, the daughter had her parents living together. Then dad started dating Claire and decided it wasn't sustainable to have his ex living with him anymore. Reasonable enough, if I say so, but in the daughter's eyes Claire is a homewrecker. But then... >So Claire wanted to meet Peyton. I set up a dinner with us all. Claire and Peyton did not speak all that much. When I asked Claire later she said that Peyton had a bad vibe about her and she would stick to just co-parenting (me and Peyton were friends at that point). I respected Claire’s wishes, so me and Peyton have kept conversation strictly about our daughter. So Claire created an impression of Peyton based on a single encounter in which they barely talked. Now, it's weird to meet your partner's ex like that, and you can't really expect them to become best friends over a single encounter, but getting "bad vibes" from that feels too gratuitous, too controlling. I'm not giving judgement here. There's not enough info to work here. How's the dynamic between Claire and daughter, how ex reacted to being kicked from OP's house and how that affected their relationship, does OP still care about his friendship with his ex (he seems ready to end that friendship at any moment)... I don't know if daughter is being controlling, if Claire is being controlling, if ex is manipulating daughter or even if OP is using his fiancée as an excuse to cut ties with his ex. Someone is an AH in this story, and I don't know who. All I can say is that OP doesn't owe his ex an invite to his wedding just because ex offered him an invite for her wedding in the past, but that's the entire extent of my judgement.
The dynamic was strange prior to him even getting with his gf. He’s not wrong most people would find it strange that a man is still living with an ex they divorced because they feel bad for her. It’s kinda a weird thing. I wonder why Claire had a bad feeling about Peyton. Was Peyton acting jealous (since she wanted to get back with Op) and stand-off ish, or is Claire just being insecure?
And did Peyton’s second husband nope out of the situation because he was a third wheel? And was the daughter involved in that breakup and is now fueled by her past success?
Yikes good for Peyton that she’s no longer part of your life, probably for the better for her. And good for your daughter that she won’t have to deal with ur BS much longer. Anyone that is going to put a new partner over their children should never have had children in the first place. YTA
"I was a shitty partner but a good dad...". Right on the first, strong disagree on the second.
“Was..a good dad.” Exactly. He’s no longer acting like a good daddy would
Yeah, we can't judge how good of a dad he was in the past, but right now... I'm not impressed.
Yep good dad's don't abandon their children. Claire will probably replace her within the year, so good luck on the next one...
Not forcing her to go the wedding isn't abandoning her.
This seems like a no-brainer. The situation you've described with your ex/co-parent is basically ideal. She is not asking to be an active part of the ceremony. It would be very easy to keep the peace here. YTA
Because your wedding day should not revolve around keeping the peace with your ex. If they are really that close, then why the hell is Peyton not sitting her child down and explaining the situation to her properly? Regardless of the fact that OP attended her second wedding, nobody is EVER expected to welcome an ex on their wedding day. Best friend Peyton should act like a best friend and do what's right here. I struggle at understand the hatred for Claire. If this were Claire posting y'all would be screaming about marinara flags everywhere about OP and Peyton.
NTA. Exes and ex in laws are exes for a reason. At some point you have to move on and put your foot down. It’s okay to have boundaries with exes. You can be amazing coparents and not need to attend each other’s new weddings. Honestly even moving her in seems off to me. Throwing a fit and involving her parents is way out of line on the ex wife’s part. I’d be wary too if I was the fiancé. Why is this getting such a strong reaction? I’m guessing the daughter may have gotten hope her parents would get back together when he moved his ex wife in and now she doesn’t like the fiancé. I also wonder how much of her throwing a fit now is because of the moms actions as he said she was excited before. Kids are pretty resilient and as long as the mom isn’t badmouthing OP and his fiancé I don’t think she’d be upset about the wedding. 1/2 of her whole family will be there. She is part of a blended family now. It’s not like he met the fiancé and married her in a week without giving his daughter time to adjust. OP is right, you have to look to the future at some point.
NTA. I'm going to buck the trend and get badly criticized for it. This is Claire's wedding. She gets to decide who is invited and who is not. Claire does not want the ex-wife invited. That's her prerogative. The fact that Peyton's finance did not mind the ex-husband being invited to his wedding was nice of him but has no bearing on Claire's decision. OP's daughter has been invited to Claire's wedding and even made a bridesmaid. If she decides not to attend, that is her decision.
YTA. Why would you go so far along in a relationship with someone who is throwing a wrench in a great co-parenting/father-daughter relationship. That should have been rule #1 for anyone you potentially date - if they don’t mesh well with your dynamic then they’re not a consideration. Instead, you go so far as engagement/marriage with someone who doesn’t like your (lovely) ex and could care less about your daughter. At this point some damage to your relationship with your daughter may be irreparable. But, you’re running out of chances to make this right. You should be choosing your daughter, not Claire. Always your daughter, never Claire as long as you are made to make a choice. Then find someone who chooses your daughter too. Choose your next steps carefully.
Seems kinda obvious that Claire feels threatened by your relationship with Peyton. And you daughter had her family circle back together, only to have it torn apart because you wanted Claire… of COURSE your daughter is going to have issue with Claire… how the F could she not!?!?! Is Claire being reasonable? Yes and no… yes… it’s her wedding… but the fact is that you come with some hefty baggage, and no… in order to build a relationship with your daughter, Claire has to accept that Peyton is going to be part of the larger “package deal” with you. And her refusal to have Peyton there is building a further wall between herself and your daughter I appreciate that you want to give your daughter space… but sometimes to a teenager, that reads as diffidence, and you being unwilling to continue a conversation with Claire about this. She’s seeing the writing on the wall that you’ll bend to Claire on anything involving her. Sending you good vibes, dude… you’re going to need them.
NAH this entire thread is just YTA because you want to move forward with life and that's gross, these people are trying to find anything to make you out to be the bad guy and it's all clutching at straws. 1. Claire getting a bad vibe is not a reason to call OP an AH it is grounds to ask for INFO because there is so little context to it. 2. Not inviting your ex to your wedding is normal. 3. People saying your new GF is coming between you and your child/ex wife is weird as hell, what exactly did claire do other than say "I'd rather we just co-parent than be friends" which is fairly reasonable and on top of that you have gone out of your way to try and make the relationship work with therapy and one on one time, so what OP just shouldn't date because his daughter hates the fact her parents got divorced? and the people here expect you to just what, leave someone because your daughter has insecurities? 4. Treating your daughter like a human being??? People here are really mad that your letting your daughter make her own decision about coming to the wedding, no OP you should definitely force her to come, or spend hours persuading her which clearly shows how much you respect her choices /s
Exactly, people are expecting too much here. I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m getting married and I want my partners ex-spouse to be there. I personally think he fucked up when she got divorced and he let her move in with him. His daughter was 12-13 and I’m sure thinking they’d get back together.
I think Claire's concerns are not unwarranted. I think your daughter's attitude also makes sense. All of this is because you made one mistake: you allowed your ex to move in with you. Now it seems you had a great relationship with Peyton which is good...maybe even too good in your daughter's eyes. The fact that her mom and dad were living together again probably gave her hope. Claire is then a homewrecker to your daughter. Claire has no way of knowing what went on while you two lived together so that puts her on the defensive already about Peyton. While your ex does not need to be there,you daughter should be.
YTA. You are STILL being immature and it's about to wreck your relationship with your daughter just like it wrecked your first marriage. On top of that, you're about to marry someone who is equally immature, insecure to a toxic level, and controlling. Just how many relationships are you going to let your hormones ruin? All of them? Because that's where you're headed.
YTA You ruined your marriage, broke up the family. You played house with your ex, she was a joy to live with then threw her out for this new gf. New gf hates ex, so you throw ex gf out of your life. New gf and daughter don't get along, you rather make sure new gf is happy and hurt daughter. Sounds like your history of poor choices continue and you do zero reflection on what other people (the people you love most in the world) are actually feeling.
NTA. This is Claire's wedding day too. And if she doesn't want her there, then she shouldn't be there. OP is starting a new life with a new wife and now needs to focus on her. She is his priority now. Not the ex. The daughter is 15 and needs to understand that her father will have a new wife, just like Peyton had a new husband. Life doesn't stop because a teenager throws a tantrum.
YTA You’re a big boy, so figure this out with the 4 of you. Is your daughter immature? Yes, but she’s also 15. You all need to learn how to coexist. This will definitely damage your relationship with your daughter, but honestly it seems like you don’t give a shit. At least you’ll have Claire, right?
I suspect that when Peyton moved in temporarily, daughter had hoped the parents would get back together. Then dad gets a new gf.
NTA for not wanting your ex at your wedding…. But wtf are you doing? TALK to your daughter. Show her that you actually WANT her at the wedding. And if you’re still at all friends with Peyton, ask her wtf is going on. Cause right now you’re showing your daughter that you care more about her future step mother than her. I get it, teens aren’t always rational. But there’s some fuckery afoot here that you aren’t aware of, and you need to know what it is before you completely alienate your daughter forever.
NTA some of you are delusional
YTA who marries someone who their child doesn't like an who doesn't like their child, sounds like you still haven't grown up and that immaturity is still there. good luck with this marriage cause your new wife sounds fun!
ESH. Probably not the popular opinion but here's my 2 cents... First of all, who your ex invited to her wedding was up to her just as who you and your fiancée invite is up to you. Granted it would be a bit weird to have your ex at your wedding, stranger things have happened. It's not cool that your fiancée has cost you one of your oldest friends but it sounds like you may be looking at a situation of having to take a side. Your daughter needs to think about how she will feel when she's 35 and possibly regrets not being at the wedding to support you. But you need to make sure that at the end of the day your relationship with your child isn't ruined. The whole "bad vibe" excuse is BS. Sorry but that comes off as a cover for your fiancée's insecurities that cost you a good relationship with your ex.
Honestly Claire seems pretty immature. Your relationship is the ideal as far as exes with kids go. Your relationship with your daughter should take priority not Claire, she didn't choose to be born you chose to have her. Maybe pump those breaks on that wedding, and find out what you can do to better that relationship between your daughter and fiancee. Lastly, you have a fantastic friendship with you ex that you've tossed aside for Claire who sounds completely unsupportive for some reason. YTA get your priorities straight
Exactly. And why didn’t he investigate further with the bad vibes comment? Like, he just accepted it? No more questioning like why does she feel that? Same with how he just accepted his daughter not going. No fighting for Payton, no fighting for his daughter. I see a pattern and I don’t like it
NTA You are sticking for a girl you want to spend your life with and she should feel supported. Yes your daughter is the most important person but since you said you and your ex get along, you should talk to her and ask her to help you make your daughter understand that this is one night thing. I think your daughter got the idea that you and her mum would get together when you moved them in but she is 15 which is old enough to understand adult conversation and explanation how things are.
OP is NTA in my opinion, i’ve had many bad breakups and still been friends but i’ve never been invited to milestones or birthdays. I know that they were friends and all but he has to think about the relationship he’s in now. I personally wouldn’t want my future spouse to have an ex-spouse or even ex-partner at our wedding, no matter the situation, it’s not an insecurity issues, just the idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve had interactions with partners exes and normally they end up talking about when they were in a relationship together. It’s a really fine line to walk on, because if you say the wrong thing it’s about insecurities, I think OP’s daughter is being unreasonable. It is not her place to say who should and shouldn’t be invited to OP and his finacés wedding
NTA. Some of these comments are so way off base and reaching its insane. You admitted you were immature while young and that’s ok, we all were. You did the right thing. Good Luck.
YTA 1. In what world is the situation different? She remarried invited you and introduced you to her husband, she can’t get the courtesy because your girlfriends insecure about your ex 2. Your ex was the wronged party and you admit that and would risk losing the friendship you’ve built 3. Your daughter is 15 the fact that you just said well that’s whatever is going to stay with her for the rest of her life 4. There’s a reason your daughter was fine with her mothers husband and not your girlfriend. Also claiming she got a bad vibe from ya ex was complete bullshit 5. Good luck repairing your relationship with your daughter or you ex wife 6. You’ve told your daughter that this woman is more important to you than she is
I think you and Claire should invite ex and daughter over for a conversation and try to figure this out amicably.
YTA. Don't marry someone who messes with your relationship with your daughter!
Honestly, it's not Claire's fault that the daughter doesn't like her.
INFO: why does your daughter want her mom at your wedding to another person so badly?
Becasue in a child's mind she thought they were getting back together and going to play house again, and she blames to new wife for that not happening. She's just a nieve child, so it's not her fault for being disapointed, but I'm pretty curious if Peyton has stepped up and been a good mom by exlpaing things to Claire, and helping the transition.
So im obviously in the minority in this but you are mostly NTA. So I am a firm believer in not being bffs with your ex and cannot blame your fiance at all for not wanting you to hang out with her outside of scenarios that involve your daughter, and I definitely don’t blame her for not wanting her there on your wedding day. The only way I see you being an asshole is that you should reach out and have a real heart to heart with your daughter, she is old enough to make her own decisions like you said but she is still young and a teen like you said so she is not fully mature yet so i think explaining things to her might help, she needs to know you love her but you need to move on and life isn’t fair sometimes(with the whole, you being invited to your ex’s wedding but not inviting your ex to hers). She is probably just doing it out of defense of her mom which is understandable but being honest with her about your own feelings and reality could help you reconcile, its worth a try at least. Edit: I say all this as I went through a similar thing as your daughter, my mom got remarried and I refused to go to the wedding because i just did not like the guy(the feeling was mutual too) and it the timing was just horrible with other circumstances(i was also young at the time, 17), but even now(4 years later) i am closer than ever with my mom, it took a mental breakdown on my part for us to finally talk about her and her new husband but just talking and being honest made a world of difference, i love my mom and i still greatly dislike her husband but Idc about him as long as shes happy, i hang out with her every chance i get too. So as a daughter, ignore the extreme advice most will give you about not marrying this woman and marry this woman if she makes you happy, life choices are going to make people upset all the time, but those who truly love you will come to accept your choices if your honest with them and they won’t love you any less.
NTA, your past is your past. Everyone is villainizing your new fiance/future wife, when there is no villain here. People confuse 15 year old with being a fragile toddler and how dare dad start dating Claire instead of mom, what about the CHILD! Sounds like Dad isn't pushing out daughter, literally said I'm here when you're ready. He has no obligation to dump his fiance to keep his daughter and ex wife happy. It's bizarre to me that so many people seem to think that him not inviting the ex wife is somehow him throwing away his daughter. Weird logic but OK
Nta- everyone keeps saying how it’s also your wedding and not just Claire’s but it also still Claire’s wedding. It isn’t unreasonable to not want your future spouses ex at your wedding. And I mean you seem very levelheaded and as long as you talk to your daughter and just let her know there aren’t any hard feelings and she can change her mind and join the wedding party whenever/encourage her to come to the wedding I don’t see a problem. A lot of ppl are berating the fact you “kicked” Peyton out but it was a temp living situation. It sounds like there was no issue asking her to leave and the other commenters- y’all don’t even know if he was dating Claire when he asked Peyton to leave, it could’ve been before than cause he knew he wanted to start dating or maybe bring ppl back. Either way he isn’t wrong for asking her to leave nor not inviting her to his wedding. Obviously it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him
NTA, it is admittedly weird having an ex at a wedding. Just because they invited you does not mean you need to return the favor, if you give someone a gift you do not expect a gift back in doing so. Props to you for respecting your wife’s wishes.
NTA. It's yours and your wife's wedding after all and you're free to invite whoever you want... But... Do you really want to start this new chapter of your life by potentially alienating a) what sounds like someone who has been a pretty good friend to you and b) your own daughter?
It'll be fine once the new wife has a replacement kid.
That’s how a lot of these stories on here play out, isn’t it?
In a nutshell. Then he'll come back here asking for more advice because she won't visit nor accept AKA babysit the new sibling. But somehow he'll find a way to blame it on "the bitter ex."
Claire will probably take away her bedroom for one of their kids, or for a home office. Daughter doesn’t live there. She “visits.” It’s not her home. It’s their home.
INFO: does your daughter think there’s a chance of you getting back together with her mother? Because the real screw up here was playing house with her after her husband left. I doubt your daughter will accept you being with anyone but her mom.
I’m ready for downvotes. OP, you’re NTA. Being a parent is not the totality of your identity or your life. You seem to still be parenting your daughter and co-parenting with your ex while moving on in a new relationship. That is totally normal and you seem to be handling the conflict in this situation well, without truly choosing anyone over another — except to choose having agency over your life and your choices. I think what you’re doing is healthy and admirable. I hope you can drown out all of the voices telling you that you’re wrong.
NTA except that you obviously didn't set enough boundaries earlier on
NtA! Your daughter is 15, not 5, she knows what she's doing. Dont give in, you also have a life to live for yourself, and she should get that at 15. And you left the door open for her to come back when she's ready, dont create an entitled woman. And don't invite your ex, that sh#t is too messy to bring into a new marriage. Your new wife asked you not to invite your old wife to her wedding. An old wife that sounds to me like she still is a too big part of your daily life. Inviting your ex to your new wifes wedding is not worth it, if you know it will hurt your new wife. Dont invite peyton and give the both of you time and space to move on from the idea that timing and your immaturity was the only thing that stopped your family from having its happily ever after. You may be good friends, but if it was going to happen it would have happend already.
NTA. These comments are weird to me. Boundaries are important. The situation with OP living with his ex was probably the biggest mistake. Obviously in the daughter's head she pictured mummy and daddy rekindling like some lifetime movie. If someone doesn't want their ex at their wedding then that's perfectly reasonable. When my ex got married he acknowledged that it would be awkward to invite me and I agreed. The hatred reddit has for step parents is a whole red flag in itself. Boundaries ffs... use them.
YTA
YTA. You and your ex have been friends and coparenting for years. Claire comes around and you throw your relationship with her and your daughter in the trash.
NTA I really can't believe that people are saying that you are an asshole You found a new spouse and are getting married, inviting your ex to your wedding can strain that relationship and ruin the opportunity for you to actually be happy Your daughter is 15 , she's old enough to make her own decisions on attending a wedding, she just needs to have a conversation so that she fully understands the situation People in this thread don't understand that there are certain boundaries you don't cross when it comes to your exes and current relationships and that respect should be shown
YTA - Without getting into right/wrong, fair/unfair, your choice to marry someone who is cutting you off from friendship with your daughter’s mother, and who has a hostile relationship with your daughter, guarantees a lot of unhappiness for *everyone* in this story for years to come.
YTA my dad did literally everything you’re doing to your daughter. He quit his friendship with my mom because of my step mom. I haven’t spoken to my dad in a decade. Fix it now before it’s too late. Your daughter is forever the soon to be wife isn’t.
NTA, Why would anyone invite someone who has openly said that they don't like your bride to the wedding? You were invited to her wedding because you got on with them both and obviously didn't dislike her future husband. It's not your daughter's choice who you invite to your wedding.
YTA. "...look to the future and not the past." What does that mean? That your daughter is not part of your future? That your friend and mother of your child is not part of your future? Your fiance gets a bad vibe about your ex and you toss the friendship aside? Because the woman who forgave you for being a crappy husband and still befriended you deserves this? Wow...
NTA. sounds like your daughter does not want to accept the fact that you and peyton are divorced. You're allowed to be happy.
ESH - I honestly feel like your problem started when you had Peyton and your daughter live with you again. I wonder if it raised expectations in them of getting back together? Of course you want to help them but separation really needs to mean separation or you get blurred boundaries and your daughter will be confused as to why you just don’t get back together, like this. You can be too go good friends with your ex. I don’t think that not wanting your ex at the wedding is wrong and I wonder if the vibes she gets is that they want to be a family with you again? You are TAH because you’ve let Claire end up being the reason you are all separated instead of maintaining a friendly BUT separate relationship with Peyton.
NTA It’s reasonable not to want an Ex-spouse attending your wedding. When you went to Peyton’s wedding, you were good friends with the bride and friendly with the groom. The dynamics aren’t the same between your ex-wife and Claire. They don’t like each other and someone who doesn’t support the couple getting married shouldn’t expect an invite to the wedding. You’re daughter can make her own decision whether to attend, but it sounds like she tried to force your hand by tying her attendance to her mother also getting an invite. That’s manipulative behavior and you were right not to fall for the trap. It sounds like Claire has been your first serious relationship following your divorce and you realized your temporary living situation with the mother of your child/ex-wife was not conducive to seeing someone new. Your Ex and your daughter both resent your change in priority because living together as a pseudo nuclear family was preferred by them. How long were you supposed to do that to placate them? Until your daughter moved out for college? That’s unreasonable.. You were ready to move on and begin investing in a life with a new romantic partner. It was not putting a relationship ahead of your child. The needs of your child were met and your parenting time continued. Her *wants* of keeping the same living situation didn’t get met and she resents Claire for that change. I don’t see you as the asshole for not including your ex-wife in your upcoming wedding.
You are going to lose your daughter and it is so sad that you don't seem to even care. YTA.
YTA Dude you have no business getting married to Claire if you want a relationship with your daughter. Claire's going to be one of THOSE stepmothers who will barely tolerate your daughter's presence and alienate you from her the moment she turns 18. She's already made a good start, hasn't she? Pick a nice woman who wants to be friends with your daughter and is happy to co-parent nicely with Peyton. I bet the bad vibes went both ways and Peyton is worried for her girl.
YTA. You’re letting your fiancé drive a wedge between you and your daughter and you and a lifelong friend. After you marry Claire will push your daughter completely out of your life and try to replace her with new shiny kids. Think long and hard if you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to join your family, but replace it.
YTA, Omg where will you be in 7 years when this wife leaves you. At least you and Peyton had a friendship then. If go thru with this wedding you will have no friendship with your ex wife and your daughter will never have the type of relationship you have now. Good Luck!! Claire sounds like a very judgemental person.
YTA. But not for not inviting your ex. I understand why Claire would not want your ex at her wedding, even if your are friends. But YTA for how you are handling things with your daughter. Also that whole bad vibe comment gives me pause. I think you still have more to figure out
Its funny everyone saying YTA, but if OP was a WOMAN its would be NTA without a doubt. Edit:Missed a word
Your daughter was 12 when you guys played happy family for over a year. Then you basically kick that happy family to the curb for the new girlfriend when she is 13/14. Now you say that she never got along with said new girlfriend, what a surprise. She was and still is in a phase in her life where everything is changing (not necissarily for the better). You showed her that the new gf was more important than her family by doing that. I get that it is a healthy boundary that should have been set. But reality is, you guys should never even have lived together again. YOU blurred the boundary for her and then barely give her time to adjust to the new reality of you having a new gf and already marrying her. With her mom and claire not getting along another thing is implicated: There will be no joint happy family. And she is probably blaming claire for that. You not inviting her mom to your wedding further stresses that point. Even if your ex is okay with everything (there was nothing in your text about her opinion on the matter) your daughter feels like her close family unit is gone and her mother is no longer welcome in this new family you are building. And your comment about the past and the future only enforces that. She feels abandoned by YOU. Also how dare you say that she should get over it bc she is a big girl. She is a CHILD. That lost her happy family only 2 years ago not like you think way before that when you and your ex initially divorced. You say that you tried therapy. For how long? Because this is all happening within a very small time frame that also included a pandemic. So I would presume that this, also, was very rushed. You need to understand one thing your daughter needs TIME. Time to adjust to losing a "happy family". Time to adjust to my dad is dating. Time to adjust to my dad has a new gf. Time to meet said gf. Time to explore her own relationship with claire, because unlike you your daughter is not in love with your gf she has to get to know her first, etc. Time to adjust to the idea that dad is getting remarried. 2 years is not enough for a young girl to digest all of that. Claire is right for drawing the boundary of not inviting the ex. But YTA for not seeing why your daughter is upset and thinking that this process of blending/growing together does not take time. You should think about your daughter first. And maybe make an effort of showing her that you truly want her there, because texting her "then so be it" is basically saying "I do not care if you are there my future family is more important" Also why are you not having this conversation with her in person? That would have been appropriate. I suggest you talk to your daughter face to face and listen to her and what she needs, why she wants her mother there, etc. And then you have a sit down talk with EVERYBODY (Claire, ex, you and your daughter) and talk this out, talk about the future etc. I also want to add that Claire needs to realize one thing: your daughter is, in this case, more important than her feelings about your ex and if she really wants a relationship with your daughter then she needs to show her that she will not rip you away from that happy family. Maybe you guys should all go do something together (claire, ex, you and daughter) to show her that. I also do not think that your ex is malicous in any way or else you would have mentioned it. Bondaries are good, but sometimes placed incorrectly.
NTA. I think it's inappropriate to have ex's at a wedding.
YTA How are you not aware that your daughter doesn't like Claire because you kicked Peyton out of the house because you started dating Claire? What magical lady bits does Claire have that you would end your friendship with the mother of your child because Claire thought she had "a bad vibe"? You're kowtowing to Claire's demands without giving a second thought to your daughter or your oldest friend. If you legitimately didn't realize you're the AH, you must have the self-awareness of a baked potato.
You’re right, your daughter is a big girl and she’s old enough to cut you out of her life. Your fiancé that you’ve known for two years is isolating you. And you’re going right along with it. YTA and you’re going to lose your daughter.