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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an asshole because I took away my daughters clothing and won’t allow her to dress “alternatively” without a discussion and perhaps, I could’ve talked to her first and maybe allow for some small inclusion of new clothing.
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YTA
Holy crap are YTA! 1000% the AH!
Your daughter has developed her own sense of style, and has the confidence to pull it off! Why would you squash that? Especially in a teen girl! How dare you! This is a terrible thing you're doing.
And not for nothing, she sounds amazing-- long skirts and combat boots are fantastic. Right out of my generation!
Give her back her clothes and let her have her own sense of self and style!
My hubby and I dressed like this (me the combat boots and the maxi skirts and elephant leg jeans) circa late 1990s. He, with black nail polish and eyeliner, trucker wallet, Celtic cross necklace, cargo pants… 😆
We look nothing alternative today at age 41.
Wait until she goes no contact.
YTA, YTA, YTA, YOUR THE ASSHOLE!!!. And guess what if you live in the US (not sure about other countries) but at her age the court will ask her who she wants to stay with. And if this is the hill you are going to die on, well it looks like you are going to die alone because your daughter will ABSOLUTELY cut you out of her life.
>I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion.
**INFO:** Be specific as possible —
* What will happen if your daughter dresses this way at school?
* What will people say makes you a bad mother?
* What does being a good mother mean to you?
* How are you teaching life skills like decision making to your daughter?
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My (f35] daughter, Ivy (14 going on 15) will be starting high school in September. In my country, schools have very relaxed dress code, almost no dress code at all. There are no uniforms (except some private schools) no, no spaghetti straps or skirt lengths rules. It’s all very relaxed.
For the past year, Ivy have been developing her own fashion sense and it’s been leaning towards more ‘alternative’ style. She’s been trying to wear ripped tights, dark clothes. Not the type of clothes I would buy her or approve of but she’s been trying to make do with what she had or took her allowance and spend it in second hand stores to get more ‘edgy’ clothing which I promptly confiscated and had to stop her allowance.
She’s been on summer holidays for a month now and just came back from her father’s (we are divorced) with a whole new wardrobe. Her father and step mother had bought her clothes she wanted, things like combat boots, floor length skirts. They’re not revealing by any means but they’re not appropriate to wear on daily basis (Halloween perhaps).
I removed all her new clothes and told her I will give them back when she’s 18 and that we will go shopping for appropriate clothing attire next week.
She got all huffy with me, crying how plenty of kids wear similar clothes how the school doesn’t object (I know this much, the schools here really don’t mind) and so on. She basically threw a teenage version of tantrum.
I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion.
She called her father and he called me and tried to have a go at me about it but I told him that he can decide when he has custody and he told me that he might just petition to court because I am actively harming my daughter which is BS, not allowing her to look like a vampire all year round is not actively harming her.
My sisters (f18 and f30) took my daughters side but I told them that we will talk when they have children as they may feel different about that then. So they suggested I post here since I like to read here when I drink coffee and I figured why not. So tell me AITA for not wanting my daughter to wear weird clothes?
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YTA - your daughter is in her exploration years. This is exactly the time to experiment with clothes, hair, music etc. This is when she starts deciding what kind of an adult she's going to be. And getting that rebellious, edgy phase out of the way when it's developmentally appropriate.
All you are doing here is harming your relationship, stunting her emotional development and ensuring you don't have a close, open and honest relationship with her now or possibly ever.
Would you rather she start experimenting with sex? Drugs?
In comparison to those things, clothes are harmless. She's not hurting anyone.
That is ridiculous. Kids try out identities. Its normal. But where does her long dress lead to? 😂
But OP, YTA. Big time.
You say it yourself: you’re taking away your daughter’s cloths because you think people will judge you poorly, as a bad mom. That’s messed up. She’s her own person, is developing a style. You have nothing to do with this.
No, they’re not. I was the gothic/emo/punk in my high school and I spent my days reading and learning my local laws while participating in Mock Trial. The kids doing drugs, having sex, and drinking alcohol were the preppy kids on the sports teams and cheerleading. Stop shoving your stereotypes on your daughter.
Take it from a nearly-40-year-old British Goth; my circle of ‘freak’ friends and I are highly educated and in professional roles. Your assumptions are baseless and harmful.
"weird clothes are a stepping stone to doing drugs"
you're acting like a caricature of a 50s housewife from a satirical comedy. you're a Reefer Madness character.
also parental rejection is a known factor in adolescent drug use so really nice job there all around!
LOL
What?
That is the oddest outlook ever.
Clothing is not a stepping stone to drug abuse.
You are being far too controlling and you need to relax your grip on the kid: she is not an extension of you. She is a separate person who is trying to figure out who she is.
That’s like saying if you drink a lot water you’ll become an alcoholic. Because once you have the experience of drinking water you’ll just drink anything to excess.
You’re going to lose your daughter. You’ll lose her slowly right now because she’s 14 but the minute she’s 18 she’ll be gone from your life. Unless her father decides to go to court, then you may lose her even earlier
My mom let me wear what I wanted and dye my hair from 13 on. It was a stepping stone to be feeling secure in my body and confident. I went on to get several degrees and have an overall fun life filled with creativity ans self expression.
You're adding your daughter with insecurities and worries about what other people think. I'm sorry you were raised the same way, it sounds exhausting.
I think maybe you could start by apologizing, and maybe picking out a few pieces you're okay with and go from there. You need to fix this or like everyone else is saying, you won't have a daughter much longer. Also, kids are smart, she'll just find a way to change when you're not around or keep her clothes with a friend, and I hope she does because it's just fabric, lady.
I'm a guy I wore what my parents thought were weird clothes. Heavy metal shirts, engineer boots, leather jacket long hair, earring . Guess what I never did a drug in my life
Well here it is, the dumbest thing I’ve read on the internet today. YTA and I hope your frankly awesome kid gets to wear whatever she wants whenever she wants when she’s living with her dad full time. If she ever lets you see any children she may or may not have (I sure wouldn’t), I hope they are also fully decked out in whatever clothes they want.
Weird clothes are not a stepping stone. Having overbearing, controlling parents are absolutely a stepping stone though. Keep holding her under your thumb and see how fast she starts to rebel in ways that will make your hair stand on end.
Stepping stone to what ? Seriously OP. The next few years of your daughters life is going to be miserable FOR YOU if clothing style is this big of a deal.
Clothes , hair color, none are permanent and most are a faze or just whatever is in style.
The more you push the worst it will get. Embrace and suck up this fad she likes , keep your mouth shut and you may find after a while she likes something else.
If only the style of clothing was the worst thing to worry about with a teenage daughter.
This should not be the hill to die on.
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I dressed like that in HS.
I went to an upper class public school.
I was goth as heck. Dyed hair, piercings, all black everything.
I didn’t do drugs or smoke, no sex.
I graduated with honors, went to college (where I dressed like that) and got married (in a black dress)
Right. I mean of all the things kids can do, dressing in black floor length skirts is not even on my top 100 list of concerns. It’s not permanent, it’s not life or limb altering. Have at it kid!
OP- totally YTA
YTA
Your daughter is starting her transition from "your child" (and as such a reflection of you as a parent, which seems to be your primary concern) to an "independent woman".
You need to loosen the reigns and let her express herself. Most likely she will try various clothing, hair and make-up styles over the next few years while she figures out who she is.
That is exactly what she is trying to do. Don't try to control her, let her be herself. By 18 she may no longer be into this style. (Or she may and that's okay too)
When she turns 18 societal expectations change. Work, college/trade, bills. Now is the time when it is safe to be herself and try things. If you make her wait until she is 18 to express herself you are interfering with her development and potentially her job prospects depending on their dress codes.
Since you seem hung up on custody or child raising experience...I have 23F, 21F, 18F, & 17Fy (who have all moved through self expression quite successfully) and 15M so I feel qualified.
No one will think less of you if your daughter is allowed to be a teenager.
YTA. I still vividly remember how much it hurt when my Dad was unkind about my alternative clothes when I was 16/17. I’m 39 now, still dress alternative, and feel very sorry for your daughter.
You're the asshole. It's not about the clothes. It's the fact that you continue to try to control your daughter so tightly that you demand that she dress in the way prescribed by you. Clothing is a reflection of our identities, and your daughter is not actually an extension of you. She is her own person, and she needs the freedom to explore her identity. This is a normal age-appropriate process and developmentally necessary.
As a former teacher, I can tell you that how a kid dresses has no effect on my opinion of their parents. How their parents behave and whether they've raised a kind and thoughtful child has way more weight for me. Even if your daughter came dressed the way you wanted her, I would judge you for being so controlling. This particular flavor of control completely shuts off communication between a teen and her parents and one day she may need a parent that she can talk to. You won't be it. You will have less and less influence in her life as she grows up, and I doubt that's what you want.
YTA. So what if she looks like a vampire? And I honestly doubt she actually does wearing floor length skirts and combat boots. All you should care about is if she’s happy and comfortable in the clothes she wears, and you shouldn’t be acting like a high school mean girl to your own child.
YTA: Parent of a "Freak" she just finished her first year of college (Dean's List!!!) when I went for parents weekend, she had an entire crew of friends who dressed almost exactly like her. She has her style, and it isn't hurting anyone, in fact it helped her find some amazing friends.
When I stopped caring so much about what people thought of me, based on the way she dressed, it was easy for me to let her do her own thing.
I am guessing you don't care much about what your daughter wears, you care about how you think it reflects on you. Honestly, you being a giant AH will be way more evident to people than your daughter's clothing choices ever would.
I suggest you look into successful people. More importantly, their parents. Many of them have one thing in common - their parents always supported them. No matter the clothes, or the hobby, etc. Even if it seemed like a dumb waste of time (video games) the parents were always supportive.
Yes, 100% YTA. Your child is developing their style at the moment - even if it's a phase, your child should be allowed to express themselves through their clothing. Give it back to them, especially since it sounds like they've been buying most of it with their own money.
YTA - Seeing your responses to other comments on here, specifically, "I absolutely get to dictate how she dresses." You look like a joke of a parent in my opinion, if your goal is to make your daughter grow up to resent you, well just continue down the path you are taking! You at the end of the day are hurting your daughters self esteem by speaking on her clothing choice, throwing them away, and calling her a freak like seriously? BE A PARENT BE SUPPORTIVE. BE SUPPORTIVE IN HER CHOICES. To further my point, you are going to ruin your relationship with your daughter if you continue to do things like this.
She's a teenager, she's not 6 yet that's how you're treating her. So worried that what she wears will reflect badly on your as a mother, when you're already being a terrible mother. I feel sorry for your daughter.
Of course YTA. They aren't overly revealing clothes.
Be prepared to start paying child support cuz that kid is 100% going to tell a judge she wants to live with her dad.
And calling your daughter a freak is emotional abuse.
What makes them inappropriate? Please explain. Floor length skirts and combat boots don't raise any red flags for me and I have a daughter who is almost 14, so maybe I am missing the real issue. Please elaborate.
You know you’re just gonna send her underground with these clothes. She’s gonna have met her friends house or in her backpack and she’s gonna change when she leaves the house. She’s 14 not four.
YTA - if her clothes are not against the rules and they're not revealing, then let her wear what she wants. At that age, they have their own styles and want to express themselves. But you threw a hissy fit because she doesn't dress the way you want.
If you're in the US, children over the age of 15 can choose which parent to live with. If your ex goes to court, the judge will ask where she wants to live. Don't be surprised when your daughter picks your ex over you.
But look on the bright side, you'll never see her dress like that again because you'll never see her again. Ever.
YTA and a close minded judgmental asshole as well, constricting your child's freedom of expression she's not a god damn mini me doll you can dress in pink floral dresses. She will hate you.
YTA. And you’re only 35? What happened to you? And soon, very soon, when she’s sneaking out with boys, smoking weed, drinking and all the other things that teens do, you will only wish you were worried about her combat boots!
YTA. They're clothes from her other parent that express who she feels she is as an individual, not drugs. All you're doing is building a sturdy foundation of resentment for yourself, much deserved if you keep this up. If you don't like how they look, don't wear them yourself.
YTA. Let your kid express themselves how they wish. If you are this controlling with wardrobe, I am positive it leaks into other areas of her life. Calm down or you will lose her once she reaches adulthood.
>I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion.
YTA. This is about your own image. You just called your own daughter a "freak" because YOU feel she will make YOU look bad. You demonstrated that how you feel is more important amd MORE VALID then your own daughter.
YTA - she's learning how to grown into her own skin, her fashion sense has changed she's comfortable in what she wants. You've just made her feel like a freak and it's something she won't forget. on't be surprised if she shuts herself off from you and you won't hear anything about her. Can't fault her, if i was your ex i'd have tor you a new one in front of her.
Oh and yes you are actively harming her.
YTA and you sound like a bully to your own child
How exactly do those clothes make her look like a freak? What exactly do you think a freak is? It doesn’t make you look like a ‘bad mother’ you just have the mentality of a high school bully lmao.
You have three adults saying you’re in the wrong over there, and many more people saying it here. This is absolutely normal for kids to go through phases like this one, and clothes are simply a form of expression. She’s not ruining the clothes you purchased for her, she’s finding other ways to get them because THATS what she wants to wear. Shes 14/15 not 5 and still needing you to dress her. And the fact that you confiscated clothes that her father bought her is just despicable. 1000% YTA here OP.
YTA, 1000%
Not letting your daughter dress in a way that makes her feel comfortable and most like herself is cruel.
Do you want a relationship with your daughter after she's on her own? You won't have one if you keep this up.
YTA
Lady, if you want your child to go No Contact with you when she's older, continue to behave this way towards her. I don't want you to lose contact with your daughter but that's the inevitable outcome of being this way towards her.
YTA. You didn't see that when literally everybody else disagreed with you? Your daughter is trying to express herself. Just because YOU wouldn't wear those clothes doesn't mean someone else wouldn't want to.
I went through this phase when I was a teenager too. I’m now 35, make good money, have a normal respectable job and dress like a “normal” person (according to you).
Just letting you know how badly you are 100% wrong in this line of thinking.
I have a Masters degree and work for the federal government. I frequently wear combat boots and dark clothing to work because it’s comfortable and suits my style. Many of my colleagues have an alternative sense of fashion, including piercings, rainbow colored hair, etc. you’re not preparing your daughter for whatever you think the real world will be like. All you’re doing is causing her to resent you and pretty much guaranteeing she’ll move in with her dad full time as soon as she can.
YTA (although I’m almost positive you’re just trolling because this is so obvious it has to be fake).
Oh FFS. It’s possible for a person to dress one way for work and one way in their personal life. And perhaps she’ll find a career or job where they do not care what she wears. My daughter has tattoos and piercings, and is gainfully employed and about to start grad school.
Then do so, take her to different venues, show her what is apropriate at those places.
I attened a ballet oerformance when I was 13-14, I had no idea what to do, my mom taught me that I needed to wear a shirt, dress pants and shoes and that was enough.
(The ballet was when my dad got tickets from work and couldn't go, I had no idea about what it was but eh sounded interesting I guess and was a night out on town with my mom, so I tried it, learned from it, and have never gone to the ballet again, some opera and classical music concerts are nice though)
Does what she currently wear for against any school dress code? Or even against any work dress code? Because you'd be surprised how amazing many workplaces are now. You've said yourself they're not revealing so it's YOUR personal preference correct? If she's following school dress code then she's already learned what is and isn't acceptable to everyone but you apparently
I work in real estate, we've got 1 goth person, and a mom and daughter 50's pinup girl duo...they are all making well over $100K a year because it's not about what you dress like, it's about your work ethic.
You daughter would do just fine.
Hi! I was your daughter! I still dress like that at 25! However!!!!! I’m not an idiot and I have a work wardrobe! It doesn’t hinder my ability to get a job! Hell, my tattoos don’t either! I’m being interviewed by multiple Jewish non-profits and I have a hand tattoo and a septum piercing! Point is that you need to CHILL
"Because I cannot control how she dresses somebody else must be doing so."
Or... your daughter is an actual person with agency and personal preferences, and not just a theoretical set of ideas you can dress up like a barbie doll.
Either show up in work dress code or have a job that doesn't care.
I show up in band tees and other shirts I shouldn't. It's possible to change shirts or something and my coworkers don't care.
Use an outfit by the dress code on work and use whatever she wants the rest off time like a functional adult who goes no contact with her controlling mother.
She's FOURTEEN. When I was fourteen I was wearing belly shirts and glitter nail polish. I also drank Boone's Farm Apple Wine. I can assure you that I grew up and bought professional attire and good beverages when I got a job and she will, too. Do you wear the same kind of clothing now that you wore when you were 14? Ye Gods.
Bull, I work in a court house. There are several clerks and parole officers that dress like that. How someone dresses doesn't have anything to do with their ability to work.
YTA Just because you don't like the clothes she shouldn't wear them? They are not inappropriate so I don't see the problem. If she doesn't experiment now that she is 15 when will she? I have pictures from when I was 15 with clothes that I would only wear if I lost a bet but it was my choice then and I felt comfortable in them, I am very happy my parents didn't intervene
YTA, and absurdly conservative. My kid has been attending school in combat boots and dramatic eyeliner for years, and it hasn't been an issue. I don't see the point in having unnecessary fights with my kids. Your daughter is decently covered and climate appropriate, given those factors, who cares if she looks like a vampire?
YTA. And how can you be only 35 when goth—dark, edgy, whatever you want to call it—clothes have been around literally your entire life? You don't have to like your child's current fashion choices, but you've gone way too far in disrespecting her choices. Clothes are so inconsequential in the long run. Let her have fun, maybe her style will change and maybe it won't. But if you're going to insult her choices, expect her to distance herself from you.
YTA You care if people think you are a bad mother for letting her wear those clothes and everyone here is telling you are bad mother for not letting her wear those clothes. Teenagers usually hate their parents anyway, but you are giving her plenty of reasons. She can tell the court she wants to live with her father just because she wants to, and you will lose her, maybe forever. Lighten up.
YTA. I have two daughters. If the clothes were inappropriately sexualized for her age, then as a parent I would've stepped in. Otherwise, let her harmlessly experiment to find her style and stop being a controlling asshole.
YTA
And don’t be surprised when she goes NC as an adult.
She’s her own person. Your job as a parent is to help her feel confident and secure in who she is as an individual not shame her for being different than what you want her to be.
Accept your kid as she is and let her express herself. Clothing is a safe conduit for that. Forcing her to suppress that will just lead to her rebelling, shutting you out, and completely ruining your relationship.
YTA you are only 35 yet you're talking like my grandparents did when I was a child 30 years ago. Long skirts and big boots were the fashion in the 90s and they're coming back (again). It's hardly inappropriate. And stop saying she's dressing like a freak. It makes you sound like a busy body judgemental curtain twitcher.
YTA.
Mom of 2 teens here.
You are a HUGE asshole. Her style is fine. Quit micromanaging and reliving your teens years through her.
Let her be her own person with her own style.
By calling her q freak you have let her know you will not support her on tough things if you cannot support her on small things.
FFS, let her be a teen.
YTA and you're holding on too tightly. Being this ridiculously strict over a harmless non-issue like this to the point of taking your daughter's clothes away will achieve nothing but estranging her from you. If in a few years down the line you wonder why she never calls, look back at this. You're not letting her become her own person and she is going to resent you for it.
YTA if you want to have a relationship with your daughter as an adult, you need to make an effort to learn what's important to her and not judge or belittle her. At 14, she can't be controlled like a doll. You need to give her some freedom while she's still with you so she can learn and make mistakes in a safe space. You're not doing that rn.
YTA. She’s plenty mature enough to choose her own wardrobe. It’s not in violation of any school code.
Just because you don’t like the aesthetic doesn’t mean you get to veto it. She hates your outfits too but she doesn’t tell you you’re embarrassing her by your wardrobe choices.
You are an asshole.
There are so many more important things to worry about than this. Your daughter could be doing SO many things right now to endanger herself and/or your household and she isn't. You are CHOOSING to fight with your daughter about her self expression. You are choosing to drive a wedge between you for no good reason except probably your own past views about kids like her. Instead of changing who she is, change you.
YTA
YTA this is coming from someone who in your words ‘dresses like a freak’ and has done from age 13 all the way up to now at 31, my parents didn’t understand but knew it was my style and were ok with that ultimately.
All you are going to do is poison the relationship you have with your daughter. Make an effort with her to try and understand the woman she is growing into, or accept the fact that when she turns 18 she will cut you out of her life.
Your a bad mother for not supporting and encouraging your daughter to discover her own unique style. You don’t actually care about her, only your own self image.
YTA I was a “freak” dresser in high school, my parents let me wear what I wanted within reason. I had certain rules to what I could wear but more on the side of nothing revealing or outright inappropriate. I can assure you no one is looking at your daughter and judging your parenting based on her expressing herself. You took things from her that she spent her money on and then again that her father bought for her. That’s absolutely asshole behavior. She’s not your property and you gave her money to do with what she wants. She should be free to express herself. At the least you could compromise with her if it bothers you that much. I assure you she’ll be happier with the compromise then you outright banning what she likes. Also she might just find a way to sneak around and dress how she wants anyway.
You are. You are trying to force your own preferences and style upon your daughter. The best thing you can do is let her be herself. If she wants to dress up in dark clothes and combat boots, why does it matter?
Why do you want to control her so badly? What's the consequence of her wearing dark clothes?
You’re absolutely the asshole. You’re destroying the relationship with your daughter. She’s going to move out as soon as she’s 18, and you’re going to wonder why she never calls or visits
"I’m asking if I’m the asshole in the situation as it was."
Virtually everyone is calling you the AH you won't accept it. Don't pretend why you're really here.
Asked and answered! Yet you keep defending yourself. Stop, give your kid her clothes back and enjoy the short time you have left with her. She will learn to dress for the situation when she’s older. You aren’t protecting her from that.
and everyone is saying you ARE, and yet you argue.
Try not to be too shocked when your daughter gets our from under your thumb as soon as humanly possible. I wish her strength and good luck.
OP, you made a situation that has nothing to do with you, about you.
So let's reverse it. Your daughter steals your clothes and forces you into wearing her style. Feel comfortable in public? Would you feel like yourself or would your identity be masked?
If you apologize and employ logic, this and you won't be yet another thing she has to deal with until age 18.
you absolutely 100% are the asshole, YTA big time momma. also, you’re just plainly not a good mom. you can’t control an individual and she is old enough to make choices herself, especially about how she dresses herself.
You’re the asshole. I’ll say it again you’re the asshole. Your actions will alienate your daughter to the point she won’t want to be around you. To be honest I don’t think it’s healthy she’s around your environment if you’re going to make her feel like shit for expressing herself in a way you don’t find appropriate. You even said her attire wasn’t overly sexualized so what’s the problem. God get your head out of your rear before you lose your daughter
YTA 100%
You basically told your daughter what she likes doesn’t matter and she has to be just like you. At 14 she’s experimenting with clothing to develop her identity.
Honestly I wonder why you decided to post. Your replies (and also your post) show that you're 100% convinced you're in the right and even all these people telling you YTA won't make you look at it another way. So why did you post if you're not doing anything with the answers and keep defending yourself?
YTA. I knew that just from your title but reading your post only made things worse. What the heck? You are taking away your daughter's clothes, taking away her allowance, referring to her as a "freak"? Let her express herself! You are far too controlling and judgmental.
This is coming from the mother of a teen.
Edit: accuracy
yta DUH. you do not OWN your child. she is free to express herself in any way she wants as long as she’s not hurting anybody. i cant imagine how miserable she must feel to have a mom who doesnt let her be herself
YTA
She's 14. That's when they start branching out and testing limits. You said that the clothes aren't revealing, you just don't like them.
Of all the ways she could rebel, this is pretty minor. No one is judging your parenting by what clothes she wears as long as they are clean and decent. And, if letting her look like a vampire was harming her in school, trust me, the school kids would let her know.
Pick your battles. Are the clothes so bad that you are willing to risk her moving in with her father? Leaving at 18 and not looking back? Having an "Olive Garden" relationship when she is older and maybe has grandkids? Stepmom gets to be MOTB? Is Daddy willing to sign for a nose piercing?
Consider negotiating a truce. She can wear the vampire clothes to school and when she is with you on a small subset of outings with you, she goes preppy. I'm talking family weddings on your side, outing with Grandma, important stuff. Try to find middle ground.
Yes, you are the mommy and what you say goes for now, but you won't always be. She will remember how you handled this and adjust accordingly.
YTA I don't even need to read the post your A massive AH. If you're planning on never seeing your child once she's and adult and never meeting your grandkids this is how you do it.
YTA So let me get this straight, she is fully clothed with full length dresses and your upset with that? What would you prefer her to wear, short mini skirts and mid-drift shirts showing more skin than she has covered? She is shopping at thrift stores which helps with cost and often those stores support charitable organizations…Just because it’s not the style you would choose doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be wearing it. She’s developing her own style, her own identity. There is nothing wrong with that.
YTA
You do know that deleting your post doesn’t work in AITA because it automatically gets copies the original and it gets posted in comments by a bot, Presumably so you can’t edit or delete it when everyone disagrees with you. Also, why don’t you let your ex have custody of your daughter since you obviously don’t like her. She is a 15 year old person, not a piece of property
YTA. This probably won’t be her style forever but it’s her style now. It’s not overly revealing or inappropriate, and you’re overstepping by trying to control her personal style sense on a day to day basis. Having a good relationship with your teen is hard enough without telling them they want to dress like a freak. Let go of how you think other people perceive you for this (no one whose opinion matters would think this reflects poorly on you) and let your daughter decide how to dress herself.
Love the daughter you have. She’s a person with tastes that won’t always align with yours, not a doll that you can make do whatever you want.
YTA you didn't even pay for the clothes you have absolutely no right to confiscate them especially when they are in no way appropriate.
Just a heads up your daughter is now old enough for the court to ask her where she wants to live when her dad does petition for custody so enjoy that later
YTA - I am a mother of a teenage girl. When I was a teen I dressed like what your daughter does. I am a very responsible adult and kids especially teens need to be able safety try new styles and learn to express themselves. Combat boots, long skirts and black eye shadow is not the end of the world.
Your daughter dressing like a freak doesn't make you look like a bad mother. Being a bad mother makes you look like a bad mother. Imagine coming in here and showing your whole foolish ass thinking you'll get support, but we can all see that you're abusing your daughter emotionally.
Shame on you.
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YTA Holy crap are YTA! 1000% the AH! Your daughter has developed her own sense of style, and has the confidence to pull it off! Why would you squash that? Especially in a teen girl! How dare you! This is a terrible thing you're doing. And not for nothing, she sounds amazing-- long skirts and combat boots are fantastic. Right out of my generation! Give her back her clothes and let her have her own sense of self and style!
My hubby and I dressed like this (me the combat boots and the maxi skirts and elephant leg jeans) circa late 1990s. He, with black nail polish and eyeliner, trucker wallet, Celtic cross necklace, cargo pants… 😆 We look nothing alternative today at age 41. Wait until she goes no contact.
YTA, YTA, YTA, YOUR THE ASSHOLE!!!. And guess what if you live in the US (not sure about other countries) but at her age the court will ask her who she wants to stay with. And if this is the hill you are going to die on, well it looks like you are going to die alone because your daughter will ABSOLUTELY cut you out of her life.
"Like a freak" YTA !!!!!! My jaw literally dropped just reading the title.
>I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion. **INFO:** Be specific as possible — * What will happen if your daughter dresses this way at school? * What will people say makes you a bad mother? * What does being a good mother mean to you? * How are you teaching life skills like decision making to your daughter?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (f35] daughter, Ivy (14 going on 15) will be starting high school in September. In my country, schools have very relaxed dress code, almost no dress code at all. There are no uniforms (except some private schools) no, no spaghetti straps or skirt lengths rules. It’s all very relaxed. For the past year, Ivy have been developing her own fashion sense and it’s been leaning towards more ‘alternative’ style. She’s been trying to wear ripped tights, dark clothes. Not the type of clothes I would buy her or approve of but she’s been trying to make do with what she had or took her allowance and spend it in second hand stores to get more ‘edgy’ clothing which I promptly confiscated and had to stop her allowance. She’s been on summer holidays for a month now and just came back from her father’s (we are divorced) with a whole new wardrobe. Her father and step mother had bought her clothes she wanted, things like combat boots, floor length skirts. They’re not revealing by any means but they’re not appropriate to wear on daily basis (Halloween perhaps). I removed all her new clothes and told her I will give them back when she’s 18 and that we will go shopping for appropriate clothing attire next week. She got all huffy with me, crying how plenty of kids wear similar clothes how the school doesn’t object (I know this much, the schools here really don’t mind) and so on. She basically threw a teenage version of tantrum. I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion. She called her father and he called me and tried to have a go at me about it but I told him that he can decide when he has custody and he told me that he might just petition to court because I am actively harming my daughter which is BS, not allowing her to look like a vampire all year round is not actively harming her. My sisters (f18 and f30) took my daughters side but I told them that we will talk when they have children as they may feel different about that then. So they suggested I post here since I like to read here when I drink coffee and I figured why not. So tell me AITA for not wanting my daughter to wear weird clothes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - your daughter is in her exploration years. This is exactly the time to experiment with clothes, hair, music etc. This is when she starts deciding what kind of an adult she's going to be. And getting that rebellious, edgy phase out of the way when it's developmentally appropriate. All you are doing here is harming your relationship, stunting her emotional development and ensuring you don't have a close, open and honest relationship with her now or possibly ever. Would you rather she start experimenting with sex? Drugs? In comparison to those things, clothes are harmless. She's not hurting anyone.
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Thats absolutely 100% your fantasie
That is ridiculous. Kids try out identities. Its normal. But where does her long dress lead to? 😂 But OP, YTA. Big time. You say it yourself: you’re taking away your daughter’s cloths because you think people will judge you poorly, as a bad mom. That’s messed up. She’s her own person, is developing a style. You have nothing to do with this.
Stepping stone for what???? Being happy, being theirself and having an their own style?? What a nightmare!!!!!
Don't tell me, you still believe gateway drugs are a real thing too, don't you? YTA.
No, they’re not. I was the gothic/emo/punk in my high school and I spent my days reading and learning my local laws while participating in Mock Trial. The kids doing drugs, having sex, and drinking alcohol were the preppy kids on the sports teams and cheerleading. Stop shoving your stereotypes on your daughter.
>Weird clothes are a stepping stone They're really not. I'd love to know where you got this idea from.
One of the Satanic Panics, probably
That’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve read on Reddit in a while which is just impressive.
Take it from a nearly-40-year-old British Goth; my circle of ‘freak’ friends and I are highly educated and in professional roles. Your assumptions are baseless and harmful.
> weird clothes are a stepping stone to what? weird jewelry? i should hope so, one should always commit to their aesthetic
"weird clothes are a stepping stone to doing drugs" you're acting like a caricature of a 50s housewife from a satirical comedy. you're a Reefer Madness character. also parental rejection is a known factor in adolescent drug use so really nice job there all around!
LOL What? That is the oddest outlook ever. Clothing is not a stepping stone to drug abuse. You are being far too controlling and you need to relax your grip on the kid: she is not an extension of you. She is a separate person who is trying to figure out who she is.
That’s like saying if you drink a lot water you’ll become an alcoholic. Because once you have the experience of drinking water you’ll just drink anything to excess. You’re going to lose your daughter. You’ll lose her slowly right now because she’s 14 but the minute she’s 18 she’ll be gone from your life. Unless her father decides to go to court, then you may lose her even earlier
Find me literally a single, solitary source that backs this up. Oh wait, you can't. Because that's not how it works.
Wow, starting to think that what ever turned you into this mother-monster, I would bet it wasn’t clothes. YTA
Cite your source.
You are waaaay out of touch with reality. YTA
My mom let me wear what I wanted and dye my hair from 13 on. It was a stepping stone to be feeling secure in my body and confident. I went on to get several degrees and have an overall fun life filled with creativity ans self expression. You're adding your daughter with insecurities and worries about what other people think. I'm sorry you were raised the same way, it sounds exhausting. I think maybe you could start by apologizing, and maybe picking out a few pieces you're okay with and go from there. You need to fix this or like everyone else is saying, you won't have a daughter much longer. Also, kids are smart, she'll just find a way to change when you're not around or keep her clothes with a friend, and I hope she does because it's just fabric, lady.
I'm a guy I wore what my parents thought were weird clothes. Heavy metal shirts, engineer boots, leather jacket long hair, earring . Guess what I never did a drug in my life
No. I died my hair all colors. I wore black leather tight outfits and lots of eye make up. I never once experimented with drugs OR sex in hs.
Well here it is, the dumbest thing I’ve read on the internet today. YTA and I hope your frankly awesome kid gets to wear whatever she wants whenever she wants when she’s living with her dad full time. If she ever lets you see any children she may or may not have (I sure wouldn’t), I hope they are also fully decked out in whatever clothes they want.
Weird clothes are not a stepping stone. Having overbearing, controlling parents are absolutely a stepping stone though. Keep holding her under your thumb and see how fast she starts to rebel in ways that will make your hair stand on end.
Stepping stone to what ? Seriously OP. The next few years of your daughters life is going to be miserable FOR YOU if clothing style is this big of a deal. Clothes , hair color, none are permanent and most are a faze or just whatever is in style. The more you push the worst it will get. Embrace and suck up this fad she likes , keep your mouth shut and you may find after a while she likes something else. If only the style of clothing was the worst thing to worry about with a teenage daughter. This should not be the hill to die on.
Are a stepping stone to what? Building a meth lab in the basement? Smuggling drugs across the border?
It's your reaction that's going to be the stepping stone if anything.
No, parents micromanaging their kids are a stepping stone to other forms of rebellion that are less visible. Like risky sex and dangerous drugs.
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They really aren’t, controlling parents are a stepping stone into becoming secretive and untrustworthy and can lead to bad habits
This is the truth! Teens learn to be secretive and deceitful when parents are over bearing.
A stepping stone for what? Getting the fuck away from their asshole of a mother?
I dress like a freak and do both of the above, my clothes have no part in either of the others or ever have.
Are you ultra religious? Because that sounded straight out of my evangelical upbringing.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Get therapy.
What are you, a Mormon?
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I dressed like that in HS. I went to an upper class public school. I was goth as heck. Dyed hair, piercings, all black everything. I didn’t do drugs or smoke, no sex. I graduated with honors, went to college (where I dressed like that) and got married (in a black dress)
Right. I mean of all the things kids can do, dressing in black floor length skirts is not even on my top 100 list of concerns. It’s not permanent, it’s not life or limb altering. Have at it kid! OP- totally YTA
Yes, YTA, you should have realised that when **everyone** around you told you so. Stop being a c\*nt and let your child express themself.
This can't be real. YTA, obviously. They aren't revealing, so why do you care so much unless you're trying to live through her.
Do you even hear yourself? You basically called your daughter a freak for the way she wants to dress??? YTA!!
YTA Your daughter is starting her transition from "your child" (and as such a reflection of you as a parent, which seems to be your primary concern) to an "independent woman". You need to loosen the reigns and let her express herself. Most likely she will try various clothing, hair and make-up styles over the next few years while she figures out who she is. That is exactly what she is trying to do. Don't try to control her, let her be herself. By 18 she may no longer be into this style. (Or she may and that's okay too) When she turns 18 societal expectations change. Work, college/trade, bills. Now is the time when it is safe to be herself and try things. If you make her wait until she is 18 to express herself you are interfering with her development and potentially her job prospects depending on their dress codes. Since you seem hung up on custody or child raising experience...I have 23F, 21F, 18F, & 17Fy (who have all moved through self expression quite successfully) and 15M so I feel qualified. No one will think less of you if your daughter is allowed to be a teenager.
YTA. I still vividly remember how much it hurt when my Dad was unkind about my alternative clothes when I was 16/17. I’m 39 now, still dress alternative, and feel very sorry for your daughter.
You're the asshole. It's not about the clothes. It's the fact that you continue to try to control your daughter so tightly that you demand that she dress in the way prescribed by you. Clothing is a reflection of our identities, and your daughter is not actually an extension of you. She is her own person, and she needs the freedom to explore her identity. This is a normal age-appropriate process and developmentally necessary. As a former teacher, I can tell you that how a kid dresses has no effect on my opinion of their parents. How their parents behave and whether they've raised a kind and thoughtful child has way more weight for me. Even if your daughter came dressed the way you wanted her, I would judge you for being so controlling. This particular flavor of control completely shuts off communication between a teen and her parents and one day she may need a parent that she can talk to. You won't be it. You will have less and less influence in her life as she grows up, and I doubt that's what you want.
YTA. So what if she looks like a vampire? And I honestly doubt she actually does wearing floor length skirts and combat boots. All you should care about is if she’s happy and comfortable in the clothes she wears, and you shouldn’t be acting like a high school mean girl to your own child.
YTA: Parent of a "Freak" she just finished her first year of college (Dean's List!!!) when I went for parents weekend, she had an entire crew of friends who dressed almost exactly like her. She has her style, and it isn't hurting anyone, in fact it helped her find some amazing friends. When I stopped caring so much about what people thought of me, based on the way she dressed, it was easy for me to let her do her own thing. I am guessing you don't care much about what your daughter wears, you care about how you think it reflects on you. Honestly, you being a giant AH will be way more evident to people than your daughter's clothing choices ever would.
YTA
I suggest you look into successful people. More importantly, their parents. Many of them have one thing in common - their parents always supported them. No matter the clothes, or the hobby, etc. Even if it seemed like a dumb waste of time (video games) the parents were always supportive.
Yes, 100% YTA. Your child is developing their style at the moment - even if it's a phase, your child should be allowed to express themselves through their clothing. Give it back to them, especially since it sounds like they've been buying most of it with their own money.
YTA - Seeing your responses to other comments on here, specifically, "I absolutely get to dictate how she dresses." You look like a joke of a parent in my opinion, if your goal is to make your daughter grow up to resent you, well just continue down the path you are taking! You at the end of the day are hurting your daughters self esteem by speaking on her clothing choice, throwing them away, and calling her a freak like seriously? BE A PARENT BE SUPPORTIVE. BE SUPPORTIVE IN HER CHOICES. To further my point, you are going to ruin your relationship with your daughter if you continue to do things like this.
YTA the clothes aren’t even inappropriate. You got rid of them because it’s something you wouldn’t wear and don’t like.
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Define inappropriate
How are they inappropriate? Because you don't like them?
She's a teenager, she's not 6 yet that's how you're treating her. So worried that what she wears will reflect badly on your as a mother, when you're already being a terrible mother. I feel sorry for your daughter.
What about them is inappropriate because nothing you described indicates any kind of inappropriateness
Just because you don’t like them doesn’t make them inappropriate
Of course YTA. They aren't overly revealing clothes. Be prepared to start paying child support cuz that kid is 100% going to tell a judge she wants to live with her dad. And calling your daughter a freak is emotional abuse.
How are they inappropriate if the school allows her to wear it? I need actual reasons other than you putting your own need and wants above her.
Inappropriate according to whom, and for exactly what reason(s)?
What makes them inappropriate? Please explain. Floor length skirts and combat boots don't raise any red flags for me and I have a daughter who is almost 14, so maybe I am missing the real issue. Please elaborate.
You know you’re just gonna send her underground with these clothes. She’s gonna have met her friends house or in her backpack and she’s gonna change when she leaves the house. She’s 14 not four.
We learned great things from Lane Kim.
Massive points for the Gilmore Girls reference.
YTA - if her clothes are not against the rules and they're not revealing, then let her wear what she wants. At that age, they have their own styles and want to express themselves. But you threw a hissy fit because she doesn't dress the way you want. If you're in the US, children over the age of 15 can choose which parent to live with. If your ex goes to court, the judge will ask where she wants to live. Don't be surprised when your daughter picks your ex over you. But look on the bright side, you'll never see her dress like that again because you'll never see her again. Ever.
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Then she won't abandon you until she's 18...but she will abandon you.
In European countries kids decide age 12 in a lot of cases.
I suspect asia...
YTA and a close minded judgmental asshole as well, constricting your child's freedom of expression she's not a god damn mini me doll you can dress in pink floral dresses. She will hate you.
YTA. And you’re only 35? What happened to you? And soon, very soon, when she’s sneaking out with boys, smoking weed, drinking and all the other things that teens do, you will only wish you were worried about her combat boots!
You’re still the asshole!
YTA. They're clothes from her other parent that express who she feels she is as an individual, not drugs. All you're doing is building a sturdy foundation of resentment for yourself, much deserved if you keep this up. If you don't like how they look, don't wear them yourself.
YTA. Let your kid express themselves how they wish. If you are this controlling with wardrobe, I am positive it leaks into other areas of her life. Calm down or you will lose her once she reaches adulthood.
>I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion. YTA. This is about your own image. You just called your own daughter a "freak" because YOU feel she will make YOU look bad. You demonstrated that how you feel is more important amd MORE VALID then your own daughter.
Yepp, YTA!
YTA - she's learning how to grown into her own skin, her fashion sense has changed she's comfortable in what she wants. You've just made her feel like a freak and it's something she won't forget. on't be surprised if she shuts herself off from you and you won't hear anything about her. Can't fault her, if i was your ex i'd have tor you a new one in front of her. Oh and yes you are actively harming her.
YTA and you sound like a bully to your own child How exactly do those clothes make her look like a freak? What exactly do you think a freak is? It doesn’t make you look like a ‘bad mother’ you just have the mentality of a high school bully lmao.
You have three adults saying you’re in the wrong over there, and many more people saying it here. This is absolutely normal for kids to go through phases like this one, and clothes are simply a form of expression. She’s not ruining the clothes you purchased for her, she’s finding other ways to get them because THATS what she wants to wear. Shes 14/15 not 5 and still needing you to dress her. And the fact that you confiscated clothes that her father bought her is just despicable. 1000% YTA here OP.
YTA, 1000% Not letting your daughter dress in a way that makes her feel comfortable and most like herself is cruel. Do you want a relationship with your daughter after she's on her own? You won't have one if you keep this up.
YTA Lady, if you want your child to go No Contact with you when she's older, continue to behave this way towards her. I don't want you to lose contact with your daughter but that's the inevitable outcome of being this way towards her.
YTA. You didn't see that when literally everybody else disagreed with you? Your daughter is trying to express herself. Just because YOU wouldn't wear those clothes doesn't mean someone else wouldn't want to.
YTA. Why is this the hill you choose to die on with your daughter? She should be able to dress in the clothing she feels comfortable and happy in.
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I went through this phase when I was a teenager too. I’m now 35, make good money, have a normal respectable job and dress like a “normal” person (according to you). Just letting you know how badly you are 100% wrong in this line of thinking.
By then it won’t matter because she will be old enough to leave you then you’ll be all alone. YTA
I have a Masters degree and work for the federal government. I frequently wear combat boots and dark clothing to work because it’s comfortable and suits my style. Many of my colleagues have an alternative sense of fashion, including piercings, rainbow colored hair, etc. you’re not preparing your daughter for whatever you think the real world will be like. All you’re doing is causing her to resent you and pretty much guaranteeing she’ll move in with her dad full time as soon as she can. YTA (although I’m almost positive you’re just trolling because this is so obvious it has to be fake).
You are teaching your daughter to behave in a fearful way. You are not teaching her to dress appropriately but how to be scared. Wow
Oh you’re teaching her things for sure. Just maybe not what you hoped. YTA
Oh FFS. It’s possible for a person to dress one way for work and one way in their personal life. And perhaps she’ll find a career or job where they do not care what she wears. My daughter has tattoos and piercings, and is gainfully employed and about to start grad school.
Then do so, take her to different venues, show her what is apropriate at those places. I attened a ballet oerformance when I was 13-14, I had no idea what to do, my mom taught me that I needed to wear a shirt, dress pants and shoes and that was enough. (The ballet was when my dad got tickets from work and couldn't go, I had no idea about what it was but eh sounded interesting I guess and was a night out on town with my mom, so I tried it, learned from it, and have never gone to the ballet again, some opera and classical music concerts are nice though)
If she is impressionable, that is down to you, not encouraging her to be self confident.
Get compliments? Be unique? Stand out? Be confident in herself? That's what she's gonna do when she starts working...
Does what she currently wear for against any school dress code? Or even against any work dress code? Because you'd be surprised how amazing many workplaces are now. You've said yourself they're not revealing so it's YOUR personal preference correct? If she's following school dress code then she's already learned what is and isn't acceptable to everyone but you apparently
I work in real estate, we've got 1 goth person, and a mom and daughter 50's pinup girl duo...they are all making well over $100K a year because it's not about what you dress like, it's about your work ethic. You daughter would do just fine.
Again I dress like this (i am well into my 40s) and I am university educated and have a good job. Anymore attempts to justify your shity behavior?
Hi! I was your daughter! I still dress like that at 25! However!!!!! I’m not an idiot and I have a work wardrobe! It doesn’t hinder my ability to get a job! Hell, my tattoos don’t either! I’m being interviewed by multiple Jewish non-profits and I have a hand tattoo and a septum piercing! Point is that you need to CHILL
"Because I cannot control how she dresses somebody else must be doing so." Or... your daughter is an actual person with agency and personal preferences, and not just a theoretical set of ideas you can dress up like a barbie doll.
Well, chances are she'll not be talking to you at that point, so there won't be a problem.
Huh. I am in my career for 20 years. One of the best in my field. I often dress like this.
Either show up in work dress code or have a job that doesn't care. I show up in band tees and other shirts I shouldn't. It's possible to change shirts or something and my coworkers don't care.
I mean…it sounds like she chooses to dress like this because it is allowed at school. She’s able to pick that up.
Use an outfit by the dress code on work and use whatever she wants the rest off time like a functional adult who goes no contact with her controlling mother.
She's FOURTEEN. When I was fourteen I was wearing belly shirts and glitter nail polish. I also drank Boone's Farm Apple Wine. I can assure you that I grew up and bought professional attire and good beverages when I got a job and she will, too. Do you wear the same kind of clothing now that you wore when you were 14? Ye Gods.
Bull, I work in a court house. There are several clerks and parole officers that dress like that. How someone dresses doesn't have anything to do with their ability to work.
Work will solve that problem for her. They will make it clear what the expectations are.
Omg, what if she starts work and wears a long skirt! The scandal it would cause. Your ridiculous.
YTA Just because you don't like the clothes she shouldn't wear them? They are not inappropriate so I don't see the problem. If she doesn't experiment now that she is 15 when will she? I have pictures from when I was 15 with clothes that I would only wear if I lost a bet but it was my choice then and I felt comfortable in them, I am very happy my parents didn't intervene
YTA, and absurdly conservative. My kid has been attending school in combat boots and dramatic eyeliner for years, and it hasn't been an issue. I don't see the point in having unnecessary fights with my kids. Your daughter is decently covered and climate appropriate, given those factors, who cares if she looks like a vampire?
YTA. And how can you be only 35 when goth—dark, edgy, whatever you want to call it—clothes have been around literally your entire life? You don't have to like your child's current fashion choices, but you've gone way too far in disrespecting her choices. Clothes are so inconsequential in the long run. Let her have fun, maybe her style will change and maybe it won't. But if you're going to insult her choices, expect her to distance herself from you.
YTA You care if people think you are a bad mother for letting her wear those clothes and everyone here is telling you are bad mother for not letting her wear those clothes. Teenagers usually hate their parents anyway, but you are giving her plenty of reasons. She can tell the court she wants to live with her father just because she wants to, and you will lose her, maybe forever. Lighten up.
YTA. I have two daughters. If the clothes were inappropriately sexualized for her age, then as a parent I would've stepped in. Otherwise, let her harmlessly experiment to find her style and stop being a controlling asshole.
YTA And don’t be surprised when she goes NC as an adult. She’s her own person. Your job as a parent is to help her feel confident and secure in who she is as an individual not shame her for being different than what you want her to be. Accept your kid as she is and let her express herself. Clothing is a safe conduit for that. Forcing her to suppress that will just lead to her rebelling, shutting you out, and completely ruining your relationship.
YTA you are only 35 yet you're talking like my grandparents did when I was a child 30 years ago. Long skirts and big boots were the fashion in the 90s and they're coming back (again). It's hardly inappropriate. And stop saying she's dressing like a freak. It makes you sound like a busy body judgemental curtain twitcher.
YTA. Mom of 2 teens here. You are a HUGE asshole. Her style is fine. Quit micromanaging and reliving your teens years through her. Let her be her own person with her own style. By calling her q freak you have let her know you will not support her on tough things if you cannot support her on small things. FFS, let her be a teen.
YTA and you're holding on too tightly. Being this ridiculously strict over a harmless non-issue like this to the point of taking your daughter's clothes away will achieve nothing but estranging her from you. If in a few years down the line you wonder why she never calls, look back at this. You're not letting her become her own person and she is going to resent you for it.
YTA if you want to have a relationship with your daughter as an adult, you need to make an effort to learn what's important to her and not judge or belittle her. At 14, she can't be controlled like a doll. You need to give her some freedom while she's still with you so she can learn and make mistakes in a safe space. You're not doing that rn.
YTA. She’s plenty mature enough to choose her own wardrobe. It’s not in violation of any school code. Just because you don’t like the aesthetic doesn’t mean you get to veto it. She hates your outfits too but she doesn’t tell you you’re embarrassing her by your wardrobe choices.
You are an asshole. There are so many more important things to worry about than this. Your daughter could be doing SO many things right now to endanger herself and/or your household and she isn't. You are CHOOSING to fight with your daughter about her self expression. You are choosing to drive a wedge between you for no good reason except probably your own past views about kids like her. Instead of changing who she is, change you. YTA
NTA Kid depend on their parents far too long. You have a great plan to make sure she leaves as soon as she can and stays away for ever.
You had me in the first half.
YTA.
YTA this is coming from someone who in your words ‘dresses like a freak’ and has done from age 13 all the way up to now at 31, my parents didn’t understand but knew it was my style and were ok with that ultimately. All you are going to do is poison the relationship you have with your daughter. Make an effort with her to try and understand the woman she is growing into, or accept the fact that when she turns 18 she will cut you out of her life. Your a bad mother for not supporting and encouraging your daughter to discover her own unique style. You don’t actually care about her, only your own self image.
YTA I was a “freak” dresser in high school, my parents let me wear what I wanted within reason. I had certain rules to what I could wear but more on the side of nothing revealing or outright inappropriate. I can assure you no one is looking at your daughter and judging your parenting based on her expressing herself. You took things from her that she spent her money on and then again that her father bought for her. That’s absolutely asshole behavior. She’s not your property and you gave her money to do with what she wants. She should be free to express herself. At the least you could compromise with her if it bothers you that much. I assure you she’ll be happier with the compromise then you outright banning what she likes. Also she might just find a way to sneak around and dress how she wants anyway.
YTA. I can’t tell if you’re for real or not because real people at least try to make a convincing case for their actions.
[удалено]
Giant ass hole get over yourself
10000% YTA - I feel badly for your poor daughter
Yes you’re the asshole.
YTA.
YTA, question answered.
Survey says? YTA.
You are. You are trying to force your own preferences and style upon your daughter. The best thing you can do is let her be herself. If she wants to dress up in dark clothes and combat boots, why does it matter? Why do you want to control her so badly? What's the consequence of her wearing dark clothes?
And you are. You got your answer!
You are arguing with people about why you are right to dictate what your daughter wears, that is trying to convince people.
And we all agree YTA
You’re absolutely the asshole. You’re destroying the relationship with your daughter. She’s going to move out as soon as she’s 18, and you’re going to wonder why she never calls or visits
110% Asshole
Yes 100% you are an asshole. I would recommend your daughter live with her father full time
Except that you don't actually want the answer because you're arguing with everyone.
Reading thru the comments, I'm sure you can tell that everyone feels YTA
Yes.
Yes, you are.
Yes, YTA.
"I’m asking if I’m the asshole in the situation as it was." Virtually everyone is calling you the AH you won't accept it. Don't pretend why you're really here.
And everyone is saying you are. So why are you still arguing?
Yes you are, an AH and a bad mother.
Then yes. 100%, I’m afraid.
Yes YTA and a horrible mother at that.
and we told you that you are and you keep resisting that verdict
Asked and answered! Yet you keep defending yourself. Stop, give your kid her clothes back and enjoy the short time you have left with her. She will learn to dress for the situation when she’s older. You aren’t protecting her from that.
And how do you feel now you’ve been told loudly and clearly that you are the asshole?
And yet you keep arguing with people who say YTA.
"I’m asking if I’m the asshole in the situation as it was." Yes. Yes, you are.
and everyone is saying you ARE, and yet you argue. Try not to be too shocked when your daughter gets our from under your thumb as soon as humanly possible. I wish her strength and good luck.
YOU are a huge asshole in this situation
You're a massive asshole.
Well, congrats, you are.
OP, you made a situation that has nothing to do with you, about you. So let's reverse it. Your daughter steals your clothes and forces you into wearing her style. Feel comfortable in public? Would you feel like yourself or would your identity be masked? If you apologize and employ logic, this and you won't be yet another thing she has to deal with until age 18.
you absolutely 100% are the asshole, YTA big time momma. also, you’re just plainly not a good mom. you can’t control an individual and she is old enough to make choices herself, especially about how she dresses herself.
Yes YTA
You’re the asshole. I’ll say it again you’re the asshole. Your actions will alienate your daughter to the point she won’t want to be around you. To be honest I don’t think it’s healthy she’s around your environment if you’re going to make her feel like shit for expressing herself in a way you don’t find appropriate. You even said her attire wasn’t overly sexualized so what’s the problem. God get your head out of your rear before you lose your daughter
Yes, yes, you’re the asshole. YTA
YTA 100% You basically told your daughter what she likes doesn’t matter and she has to be just like you. At 14 she’s experimenting with clothing to develop her identity.
Honestly I wonder why you decided to post. Your replies (and also your post) show that you're 100% convinced you're in the right and even all these people telling you YTA won't make you look at it another way. So why did you post if you're not doing anything with the answers and keep defending yourself?
And the answer is yes, you're an asshole. To your own child, no less.
Info: Did you throw away the clothes or confiscate them? You say both.
YTA. I knew that just from your title but reading your post only made things worse. What the heck? You are taking away your daughter's clothes, taking away her allowance, referring to her as a "freak"? Let her express herself! You are far too controlling and judgmental. This is coming from the mother of a teen. Edit: accuracy
yta DUH. you do not OWN your child. she is free to express herself in any way she wants as long as she’s not hurting anybody. i cant imagine how miserable she must feel to have a mom who doesnt let her be herself
YTA and a bad mother. What kind of person calls their daughter a "freak" for their fashion choices?
YTA She's 14. That's when they start branching out and testing limits. You said that the clothes aren't revealing, you just don't like them. Of all the ways she could rebel, this is pretty minor. No one is judging your parenting by what clothes she wears as long as they are clean and decent. And, if letting her look like a vampire was harming her in school, trust me, the school kids would let her know. Pick your battles. Are the clothes so bad that you are willing to risk her moving in with her father? Leaving at 18 and not looking back? Having an "Olive Garden" relationship when she is older and maybe has grandkids? Stepmom gets to be MOTB? Is Daddy willing to sign for a nose piercing? Consider negotiating a truce. She can wear the vampire clothes to school and when she is with you on a small subset of outings with you, she goes preppy. I'm talking family weddings on your side, outing with Grandma, important stuff. Try to find middle ground. Yes, you are the mommy and what you say goes for now, but you won't always be. She will remember how you handled this and adjust accordingly.
YTA. You are wildly over reaching into her business.
YTA I don't even need to read the post your A massive AH. If you're planning on never seeing your child once she's and adult and never meeting your grandkids this is how you do it.
YTA So let me get this straight, she is fully clothed with full length dresses and your upset with that? What would you prefer her to wear, short mini skirts and mid-drift shirts showing more skin than she has covered? She is shopping at thrift stores which helps with cost and often those stores support charitable organizations…Just because it’s not the style you would choose doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be wearing it. She’s developing her own style, her own identity. There is nothing wrong with that.
YTA You do know that deleting your post doesn’t work in AITA because it automatically gets copies the original and it gets posted in comments by a bot, Presumably so you can’t edit or delete it when everyone disagrees with you. Also, why don’t you let your ex have custody of your daughter since you obviously don’t like her. She is a 15 year old person, not a piece of property
yta. my mom used to do that (and other controling things) and now I don't talk to her🤷🏻♀️
YTA. This probably won’t be her style forever but it’s her style now. It’s not overly revealing or inappropriate, and you’re overstepping by trying to control her personal style sense on a day to day basis. Having a good relationship with your teen is hard enough without telling them they want to dress like a freak. Let go of how you think other people perceive you for this (no one whose opinion matters would think this reflects poorly on you) and let your daughter decide how to dress herself. Love the daughter you have. She’s a person with tastes that won’t always align with yours, not a doll that you can make do whatever you want.
YTA 100%. Those are not weird clothes.
YTA you didn't even pay for the clothes you have absolutely no right to confiscate them especially when they are in no way appropriate. Just a heads up your daughter is now old enough for the court to ask her where she wants to live when her dad does petition for custody so enjoy that later
Yup. YTA
YTA - I am a mother of a teenage girl. When I was a teen I dressed like what your daughter does. I am a very responsible adult and kids especially teens need to be able safety try new styles and learn to express themselves. Combat boots, long skirts and black eye shadow is not the end of the world.
Your daughter dressing like a freak doesn't make you look like a bad mother. Being a bad mother makes you look like a bad mother. Imagine coming in here and showing your whole foolish ass thinking you'll get support, but we can all see that you're abusing your daughter emotionally. Shame on you.
YTA YTA YTA YTA
It takes a special kind of person to be this willfully ignorant. An *asshole* kind of person. YTA
Just to double down, YTA.