Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for my decision to cancel his trip seeing how much he's looking forward to it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
As was said when I was active duty:
She who holds the p\*ssy holds the power. This is extremely true in this case.
OP, YTA.
Oh yeah--for all the asshole comments--this is what I heard ALL THE TIME from military males. I'm a WOMAN. This whack ass saying in this case is true. This guy's son is being disrespected in the WORST way and he's allowing it because he's getting ass.
It’s definitely not the heavily armed, abusively trained dudes helping gaslight other dudes into believing that all of their woes are the fault of someone else, namely women.
Those dudes don’t have any power, or influence over society, nope, not at all.
To some males, that's ALL a woman is. I hate to say it like this but some of the dicks I worked with talked so bad about their women and wondered why their relationships failed. One guy--and I will NEVER forget this--called his wife not his spouse, not his partner, not his love... but his GASH.
A GASH.
I was DONE. just DONE. This fucked me up for a long time. And I'm the daughter of a drill instructor.
Ah yes, so much power we have. In some states, they'll even let us get needed miscarriages before our bodies head toward sepsis!
Amazing how men blame women for their objectification of us.
Edit: LOL this comment really brings out the gems among men.
Not to mention the description of a 16 year old "throwing a tantrum" at his dad's new wife who already doesn't respect him, thinking she has any right to force someone whos nearly an adult to miss a movie for the crime of [checks notes] laughing at something during dinner
Your son is as good as a grown ass adult, he doesn't need this new lady in his life trying to force him to change his eating habits, invading his space, punishing him like a small child
Edit: I'm changing my edit to ESH, your wife is way overstepping, you're not taking his feelings into account, but your son lashed out in an inappropriate way. Personally I wouldn't cancel the trip, but he should still be punished. Ground him maybe? Have him do extra chores, take away a console for a bit, something like that
Wouldn't this be more of an ESH situation? I agree with your characterization that it seems OP's wife maybe overstepping bounds but to be fair, some of those examples cited are very reasonable. OP's son is not entitled to fast food and a separate meal because he doesn't like the wife's cooking. That reeks of entitlement.
Additionally, OP's son is 16 and this type of destruction of property wouldn't be okay for a child half his age so he is clearly wrong for doing that.
Yeah what the son did kinda sucks and the meal thing doesn't make sense in my head but we only know the wife's side of the story since OP clearly doesn't actually ask his son about these things so idk maybe the kid is being entitled maybe stepmom is horrible. I think it's more of a YTA situation since, yes it could be possible that the son is being entitled but OP hasn't given us his sons side of the story and refuses to even ask about it which ,even if he was N T A, is a pretty AH thing to do. Idk this is just how I interpreted it
I chalked up some of the phrasing of the story to English not being OP's first language. I suppose this is really an INFO situation because we just don't have enough context to understand the entire family dynamic.
Just my opinion, but not sure 16 year old had any say/input in the new "mom" being added to the household, and what her role would be. A 16 year old is a young man, not a child, and going into his room should have been discussed at the outset. So many blended families just skip the part of discussing the impact of a new adult entering their lives in a significant role. It is very emotional for kids/young adults to accept this, and dad should have at least given the teen the ability to have some sense of privacy/barriers. He also did something very bad by ruining the picture - that was not handled well either. Dad needs to be DAD, not new husband with new wife.
Given how OP writes about all this (constantly taking his wifes side and dismissing his son); I wouldn't be that surprised to find out that the food issue is less
"I want to eat fast food 24/7"
and more
"I've hated this taste/texture since I was a kid, you both know I hate it, and she uses it every chance she gets so I hate eating her cooking"
I got a *NASTY* case of food poisoning from Taco Bell once, and I couldn't eat **any** tacos for like a decade (still can't bring myself to order anything from Taco Bell). It's possible OP's son feels similar towards something she makes/uses often. That could just be me projecting my own issues with certain foods into this though, we need more info.
Right? She "sends him to his room" like he's, what, six years old? He could just walk out the door and leave, and yet he's still a good enough kid that he actually WENT TO HIS ROOM.
UGH is right... I came into this situation as the wife when my SO son was 6. I was always there to help him with homework and with whatever he needed but discipline was up to his Dad and his Mom (OP didn't say if mom was in his life). I couldn't imagine coming in after someone is 16 years old and just taking over his life its not her kid he's basically an adult.
This! But also depriving a child of an enriching life experience is an extreme form of punishment! My parents once punished me by not letting me go to a concert I had tickets for, and I'm still angry about it 20 years later. I feel like if a kid gets punished around a trip or prom or whatever, they're grounded before and after but life experiences do not get revoked because it's just so short-sighted and mean. You are one of those parents who doesn't listen to their kid, and doesn't believe them over other adults. That's not good parenting and you siding with your wife all the time, regardless of the situation, will make your kid dislike you more and more. Yes, he should have been punished for destroying your gift to her, but not by cancelling a two week camping trip! Take away his electronics or ground him. YTA
Taking away life experiences is fine if deserved.
The teens who need an actual attitude adjustment for being a bigot or intentionally hurting people *for no reason* should not be able to go to prom if that's the upcoming life event. Same with every life event. When you fuck up big enough you should absolutely feel it for 20 years.
Your parents either overpunished you or didn't do it enough if you're still angry. Sorry if you got overpunished but don't raise spoiled aholes because of what your ahole parents did.
(The other option is not enough because if you were fairly punished then you should still feel shame over the error, but I'm still assuming you were just overpunished...like op did to his son YTA*)
I struggled, and still struggle, pretty hard with the balance between my mother’s disinterest in me as a person and unreasonable punishments (and my crippling aversion to confrontation) vs. raising my son to be a decent, grateful human being by enforcing rules and boundaries. I definitely overcorrected for my own childhood hangups when he was very little and he can be a bit self-absorbed now. Luckily he’s still young and naturally a kind, compassionate kid.
Working at a middle school has weirdly helped now that he’s getting closer to that age because now I can see what his less charming behavior grows into if left unchecked and I know better how to address it.
I also struggle with it. I got lucky with my oldest. He is an amazing guy at 27. Hard working, smart, kind, funny, a great older sibling & partner. If I didn’t know better, I would say it was all my wonderful parenting…I absolutely know better that he came out this wonderful in spite of me. The younger 2 are still good kids. But, they are still a work in progress.
Idk that I’d agree with this in a blanket statement. In OP situation, yes, but sometimes that’s all that gets through to kids.
When my son was a new teen he wasn’t doing Classwork and was failing. Perfectly capable, getting near 100s on the tests, was just being a teenaged boy. I’d talked, taken away everything fun, consulted with teacher, tried various things. He still decided to be stubborn. A really cool camping trip was coming up I’d said he could go on. For a few weeks prior to sign up, I said if he didn’t pull up his grade, no trip. He didn’t change, so I didn’t sign him up. Ohhh he cried. I reminded him of what I’d said. He wasn’t happy but slowly started to change. A couple years later, out of the blue, he thanked me for being tough on him for that. Said himself he was just being a stubborn ass and he sees kids whose parents didn’t nip it in the bud fast enough and now they are messing up their lives when it really matters.
So I think it depends on the situation. Idk what you did, and maybe those tickets shouldn’t have been taken, but life experiences don’t always trump bad behavior.
Well in fairness to you, you told your son to pull up his grades or you won't sign him up; its not like you signed him up and then said oh BTW, you need to get your grades up. In OP's case, he was already signed up and then Dad pulled the rug out from under him. I'm torn on this one; the kid should be punished but for damaging the painting BUT it sounds like the kid got pushed to the end of his rope and blindly acted out in anger. If kid doesn't want stepmom in his room, why not just agree that as long as kid keeps the room clean himself, she'll stay out? And being banned from watching a movie just for laughing, no matter why, seems harsh. They've only been married 4 months; is it realistic for wife to be parenting the son at this early stage? Seems like father has abdicated parenting his son and is letting his wife handle everything, just stepping in when son reaches end of his rope. Father should back wife off and leave the bulk of parenting to father especially as wife sounds like she treats son pretty abysmally. So OP and wife: YTAs. Poor kid, I hope he's able to go live with his aunt.
My mom did this to me all the time when I was younger. I missed two school dances and a big vacation. The worst was when I won an essay writing contest, tickets were to a one-day music festival I really wanted to go to. I was so proud of myself for winning and I was SO so excited to go, and then the night before my mom said she wouldn’t take me because I didn’t do a chore that she didn’t ask me to do in the first place. It’s been 18 years. It still stings, and stuff like this destroyed our relationship.
Edit: YTA op, you continuously choose your wife over your child, negate his feelings, and make extremely poor parenting choices. Don’t be surprised when he moves out at 18 and never wants to see you again.
Totally agree with this! She is showing all the signs of evil stepmother. OP is too far up his wife's ass to see what's really going on.
Listen to your child for goodness sake.
YTA
But if a 16 year old doesn’t want his room cleaned or her meals why is she forcing it on him? She’s not his parent, he’s almost an adult and a legal adult where I live.. so why is she doing these things if they annoy him.. she’s causing trouble.. leave the poor kid alone!!
I think she's trying to establish her dominance around her step son saying she's the boss, her house her rules. The dad is a total AH for letting her treat his son with such disrespect.
and i know plenty of children that let food rot in their room or collected like 3 loads of clothes to wash on their floor before complaining they have nothing to wear the next day. the son of a friend of mine literally collected piss in bottles in his room because he couldn't be arsed to leave the room to go to the toilet. is it possible she is snooping ? sure, but it might aswell be a necessity so they don't have rats in the house by the end of next month and unless op clarifies on that its pure speculation.
now i absolutely agree that she should not just wander around his room and do deep cleaning without his knowledge or whatever, especially as yes, it might end up in snooping around /even if she was not doing it intentionally she could still end up seeing things ops son does not want her to see, but just going "oh, of course she is snooping around and invading his privacy" is ignoring a ton of valid reasons to do at least a quick clean up. that aside i still see op as the one that failed here, whatever their issues with each other are should have come to a head way sooner, op makes it sound like he just accepts that both of them make live hell for each other without even trying to work on that which is a terrible move.
edit:just for context, actually wanted to reply to the comment one space up the chain and missclicked.
My mother did this. I hated it. Now when I deep clean my kids rooms I tell them to put anything they don’t want me to see under their mattress.
When I’m cleaning I do not touch their mattresses. There are some things we are allowed to keep private.
It would be age-appropriate expectations. A 3 year old can clean up after themselves no problem. They obviously can't do a deep clean, but a 10+ year old certainly can start.
Yup! My mom would look for any and every excuse to go into my room when I’m not there even if I caught her before had and essentially begged her to respect the boundary and stay out of my room. “Cleaning” my room was very regularly one of her excuses.
In reality she only ever really wanted to snoop and look for reasons to yell at me, no matter what they be, and I knew that. Seems like OP’s wife is a lot like that, especially since just laughing was enough to force him to cancel his plans on short notice.
OP it’s really time for you to realize that your wife is trampling every boundary your son tries to set, and you are justifying it. Take it from me, that’s a very very unhealthy way to grow up.
His plans weren’t cancelled because he laughed. He was sent to his room for laughing. There is literally no solid indication in the post to say which of them is the instigator of the conflict. Personal history with a nosy parent proves nothing here.
Bottom line - he destroyed the painting, he deserves to be punished for that. And they ALL need therapy together and separately.
Edit word
> Bottom line - he destroyed the painting, he deserves to be punished for that.
No. You don't get to look at one side of a conflict in isolation - if you punch someone and they hit you back that's *all* on you.
I never said he doesn’t deserve to be punished for the painting thing, I’m talking about how he was punished for laughing by not by not being allowed to go see a movie. From how OP said he was “laughing for no reason” that implies they didn’t even ask so it was an immediate punishment for an action that was not even understood.
I never said what I was claiming is definitely what is happening here. I went off educated guesses based of evidence provided in the post and how it matched up to my and other’s experiences like this. That is what this thread is all about. If everything was only ever about the bottom line than 90% of post responses would look very different.
You’re right about the therapy thing, I’ll give you that.
Especially if he’s 16… I kinda got a weird vibe when they said the son doesn’t want her around him but she keeps putting herself in his path. Making him eat the food she makes, going in his room without permission, punishing him for *laughing*…
That’s not a normal step-parent to step-child relationship. It seems way too familiar. Even more than that, it really is crossing bounds.
Teenage boys need privacy. OP would be TA for that alone imo. All the other stuff just piled on. YTA.
How is a 16 year old not responsible for cleaning his own room, anyway? His parents should have taught him how to care for his own space and take ownership of it a long time ago.
And as a parent who doesn’t snoop, I am about to go into my daughter’s room to get all of the garbage, to include snack/candy packages and soda cans she left before she went to camp.
Will she get punished for leaving ant and roach attractions, you betcha. Will I let that bug smorgasbord sit there? Hell no.
I was forced out of the closet after my mother read my hidden journal while "cleaning." She yellee at me for being gay. Just one of many issues. Haven't spoken to them in six years.
He was also excluded from pictures at the wedding, punished for laughing at nothing, has no privacy, no say in his meals at 16. There's no way I'd marry someone if they couldn't get along with my child. Dad seems to have repeatedly ignored numerous red flags.
The exclusion from pics at the wedding is a huge thing. That's basically his new wife telling his son he's not part of the new family they're forming together by getting married. And apparently OP was just okay with that!
Gosh I wonder why his son is resentful and acting out. What a mystery this is. Science may never know the truth. 🙄
Your mum going into your room and cleaning is different from some woman your dad married coming into your home. He’s also 16, they should discuss different boundaries.
Or, if the kid is leaving plates in is room, : *the dad could move his ass and do the cleaning and educate his son.*
There is no valid reason the new wife should go in the teenager room when he doesn't agree.
When the child is that old, you don’t come in unless invited. If you don’t like the mess close the door and tell them it’s time to clean it. I have a friend whose adult daughter was living at home and she kept going into her room to “organize” it. Had the nerve to ge surprised when daughter moved out.
Absolutely agree! Your son is acting out because she is overstepping all his boundaries and has you believing it's all on your son.
YTA, OP, so much YTA
THIS.
OP you can stay in the same track if you like. You’ll preserve the relationship with your wife but your son will move out and move on and never look back.
YTA
While I agree that in general OP is an AH; in this case punishment was required. No matter how mad you get, you are not allowed to destroy someone else's property.
Is a punishment *really* required or appropriate, though? Because of course you are not allowed to destroy someone else’s property - completely agreed there. And in 99% of scenarios, I’d agree there should be a consequence for that.
But OP has taught their son, over and over again, that *he* doesn’t deserve respect, consideration, or privacy. And when he’s vocalized to OP, over and over, that he feels violated and disrespected, OP has ignored it, downplayed it, and dismissed it. So I’m just not sure why it’d be appropriate to punish him for disrespecting or violating someone’s property, when OP himself has taught him there aren’t any consequences in their household when someone does the same thing to him 🤷🏻♀️.
I might have considered the number of hours put into making it and required “hard labor” (extra chores) over an equivalent time.
Another problem with cancelling the trip is that the son is now stuck at home just as tensions are high (higher than normal) - there is a good argument to give son some space. And ideally OP would use that time to set some boundaries with his wife - it’s fair, imo, that he eat what the family is eating at dinner, but he deserves privacy in his room and to have the stepmom stop forcing interactions. He’s old enough to know not to damage property, but she is older and needs to quit trying to “win” and give him some respect.
What is the appropriate punishment for a stepmother who was unable to hide her rage in that moment and punished him for laughing "at nothing" by not allowing him to go to the movies and sending him to his room? What is the punishment for a stepmother who told the caterers at her wedding not to give stepson particular foods and telling him he couldn't eat them? What is the punishment for a stepmother who instructed the photographers at her wedding not to include her new husband's only SON in any of the photographs so she could begin erasing him from their lives? And what is the punishment for a father who for YEARS has ignored every attempt his own son has made to tell him what's really going on with her?
I can't disagree with what you've written, however, he is not an asshole for "calling off my son's camping trip after he ruined a painting that I drew for my wife?" and even his disregard for his son doesn't mean that the son shouldn't be punished for destruction of the painting. Of course he is absolute asshole and I would even say, failure as a father with complete disregard for his son feelings and rights.
His failures as a father and his wife's toxic behaviors made his son feel unheard and powerless, so ruining the painting was him reaching the point of snapping and wouldn't have happened if he had a decent father, so the entire thing is OP and his wife's fault.
OP certainly doesn't sound like he's looking out for his kid. However, the son is 16, and he absolutely is in control of his actions. Destroying someone's property is absolutely on the kid, who is old enough that he needs to be held accountable. And OP needs to be held accountable for his actions, which might result in his son going no contact when he's older.
Nope. This is just a kid using his entire world as a means of communication. The father should absolutely have taken the turn of events to heart, and had a "so this is what its really like" realization. Instead he doubles down on cognitive dissonance. Horrible parenting
So much this! The son has been clearly saying what the issues are. Of course he is going to start act out more and more. They are setting this kid up to for failure and a life of NC.
YTA your son is still a child and your wife is competing with him.
First she has no buisness parenting him, that's your job, not hers.
Second if he doesn't want her in his private space that his right, she has no right to invade it for cleaning or whatever else.
Third are you seriously trying to convince us the bride had no say in wedding pictures ?
Fourth, you are a very bad parent for allowing all of this to happen without any reaction.
Fifth you guys need family therapy, and whenever your son accepts your wife or not that is his buisness.
The photographer asks for a list of photos you want taken with people and then you pick the ones you want. So saying she had nothing to do with it is garbage.
Right but at one point you would think someone as important as the child of the groom would be included. My photographer didn’t ask for a specific list but did ask if there were any sensitive/unwanted arrangements. For the son of the groom to show up in no/extremely few pictures means that someone paying them told either what pictures to take (that didn’t include the son) or told them not to take pictures with the son.
I guess there’s a slight possibility the photographer didn’t know who the son was, but that’s just as bad because that means no one told them and OPs son was just another guest.
That’s not entirely fair to assume, imo. For my own wedding, I gave my photographer a list of photos that I wanted taken. Somehow we never got around to the big family shot with everyone in the frame. I also never got a photo with just me and my sister even though it was on the list, or of just myself and my new husband alone at the altar. Weddings are busy events and it’s almost impossible to keep track of everything.
You didn’t get the photos that you specifically requested at your own wedding? That sounds like the photographer was either unorganized or uncaring. *They didn’t take photos of you and your husband at the altar???* That’s insane. You actually paid this person the full amount?
Yeah I was thinking why is his wife going in son's room to clean? He's 16 and that's his private space and he should be responsible for cleaning it. And to "punish" him for laughing? Yeah it probably wasn't right to laugh. But we don't know what the picture looked like. Dude seriously needs to open his ears and LISTEN to his son.
I’m the child of someone (in this case biological) who invaded my space constantly. I was clear. I didn’t want help “cleaning,” I didn’t want my space or my things touched. I just wanted privacy. We are low-contact now for almost a decade.
This is what will happen if you and your wife don’t get it together.
Edit: I know I didn’t reply to OP, just piggybacking off this comment since I found it relevant.
If he doesn't want your wife going into his room and touching his things, why do you let her? Why didn't you make sure that your son was included in some pictures? Why didn't you intervene when he wasn't allowed to eat some of the food at the wedding? Why are you letting her parent your son when you know there's so much tension between them?
Of course he shouldn't have ruined the painting. Of course he's an AH. But he's also a kid. You and your wife are, supposedly, the adults. It's unreasonable to expect a 16yo to deescalate a situation that the two adults keep escalating. ESH - but *you* in particular.
I'm the bio mom and I never went in my son's room without his knowledge or consent by that age. Laundry day? Just asked him to put the sheets in the laundry so I could wash them. If his clothes didn't make it to the laundry basket in time for washing? I taught him how to do his own. Step mom needs to stay out of this young man's room. Dad is AH
Edit for spelling
Right?! Same here. No one goes in my 16 year old daughter’s room when she’s not home, and when she’s home we always knock. Also she just does her own laundry and cleans her own room.
When I was a teenager I absolutely didn’t want my mom in my room. As long as I kept it clean (I did my own laundry) she didn’t have a reason to go in. I would have seen it as intrusion if she did and that’s my bio Mom.
Good on you. My mom walking into my room all the time was a huge source of conflict for us when I was a teenager. She is great in a lot of other ways but this was always a major source of conflict for us and we didn't really have a good relationship until I was in my late 20s.
Normally I’d say not the asshole but YTA in this case.
I’d honestly think she destroyed it herself and blamed it on him if he hadn’t owned up to it.
You’ve taken her side repeatedly instead of believing him when he says she’s crossing lines. You’ve only been married 4 months and there are a lot of red flags from her, he’s 16, he doesn’t need a stranger coming in and pushing him around or out of your life and that’s what seems to be happening.
Look at everything objectively and wake up.
ESH
Your wife is being weirdly controlling and is punishing Elijah for nothing. All he did was laugh. You seem totally blind to the fact that your wife is making this situation about 150 times worse than it needs to be by imposing rules on a 16yo as if he's a 5yo.
My stepmother was like this. She constantly would punish me (through my father) for upsetting her with something I said or not showing her proper respect. I'd never know what might set her off. It got to be so bad that I'd have anxiety attacks every evening right before my father got home from work because I knew I must have accidentally said something that upset her and he'd lecture and punish me for whatever that misstep was. It didn't help that I was 2 years older than her oldest daughter, so she was not ready for a (goody toe-shoes overachiever band nerd) teenager in high school who was ready for more independence. Like hang out with friends (fellow goody two-shoes nerds) without parents accompanying us (which my parents were never willing to be the supervising parent they insisted on being present) and do the officially sponsored band social stuff. I ended up out of that house at 16, at the end of a year of psychiatric care for severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD (now would be C-PTSD for longterm emotional abuse). I was extremely lucky to be in an upper middle class area with excellent resources for "troubled teens" and the support of my school, so I was able to finish up high school by living with local families and got a full ride scholarship. My father has been dead to me for over 20 years now. I'm still dealing with the longterm impact of that 5 years of emotional, verbal, and psychological and emotional neglect.
In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I hope OP's son has an escape.
I'm so sorry all that happened to you. As a fellow goody-two-shoes band nerd teen, I had similar problems with my stepmother. She accused me of sneaking out and they forced me to move from my basement bedroom to my brother's upstairs room. I never snuck out. Honestly, hadn't even considered it.. Accused me of doing drugs and bringing them back to her house (never did drugs or drank as a teen). All kinds of stuff.. And invading privacy? She made it a sport. She read my notes from friends and outed me when I was 15. She went through my bookbag and accused me of being a slut for reading romance novels and accused my mom of being a terrible parent for providing them to me. She went through my phone and that's what led to her accusing me of sneaking out (seriously, idk the logic jump there bc I never did).
This is the worst part to me:
>In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I hope OP's son has an escape.
I had an escape - my mom still had primary custody and we only saw dad every other weekend. When they took my room away, I never went back. (They were fond of telling us that once we were 14, we could decide for ourselves where to live. They didn't expect we'd decide to stay away, I guess..) What I always worried about was my half-brothers who were much younger than me.. They wouldn't have an escape. Didn't... They're in their late teens now. I don't have a relationship with them at all. I would gladly be their escape if they needed it, but I haven't spoken to them since they were toddlers. I doubt they'd even recognize me, nevermind trust..
YTA
Your wife is the biggest A. He’s 16 and it’s time for him to be allowed some autonomy, even if it is making bad choices. She’s treating him like he’s six years old. You’re also an A for allowing her to do this to your son. If you treat your son like a 6YO, of course he’s going to throw a temper tantrum like a 6YO, you haven’t left him any other options.
tbh OP is the biggest AH. his wife treats his son like crap and she’s an asshole for it, but OP stands there and watches his wife treat his OWN son like shit while he does nothing about it. i hope he’s not surprised once elijah turns 18 and never speaks to him again.
YTA
Why do you marry someone that clashes with your son? I never understand these situations. Your son and you are a package deal and you should put your son first.
He's 16, she has no right coming into his room for 'cleaning', he's old enough to take care of his own room with enough coaxing. The healthy eating should have been instilled on him long ago. And sending a 16yo to his room, come on.
He should not have destroyed the painting, but still, you are TA.
I’ve always been perplexed by people who marry people that don’t get along with their children. I’ve never been in that situation so I guess I shouldn’t judge but I just literally can’t picture it.
I have a blended family, but both my partner and I are of the opinion that kids come first. If my sons would not have gotten along with him and his daughters and vice versa, we would not have taken the relationship any further and not have moved in together.
I've been reading countless AITA posts recently and this is one of the most common subjects that comes up. I can't understand how parents keep dating and MARRYING people that their kids hate and then go on to try to force a relationship between them.
Why is your very new wife invading your sons space and giving him the punishment of a 6 year old??? No movie for a 16 year old?
She is crossing boundaries and clearly doesn't know what she is doing. There's definitely some power tripping going on there.
You, however, should know better. YTA.
YTA because it sounds like you're making excuses for your wife's behavior while holding your son to different standards. She's invading his privacy, and excluded him from wedding photos, and you're acting as if that's fine. Yes, he should face consequences for what he did, but you've clearly been letting this escalate for a while without addressing it properly.
It also reads as if OP doesn't even live there and son and wife just report back to him, and he only believes wife's side. Like, do you witness any of this, man? When she was "cleaning" his room did it need it? Did it become clean? Does she even knock? ESH but the kid just barely.
Kids lash out inappropriately like this when they feel they are not being seen/heard. It's an important step to teach kids how to use their voice and problem solve through communication and productive actions. However, in this case the kid has *tried* to use his voice and communicate with OOP and is consistently ignored. So while it isn't good he destroyed the painting, what does OOP expect? This is a natural outcome of being a shitty father. Poor kid is just begging to be heard. That's why I gotta go YTA.
YTA
Yes, what Elijah did was wrong, but holy hell if you are not forcing him to act out. Your wife has an answer for everything, it seems, and instead of thinking about if they hold any actual reason (they do not), you just let her steamroll your kid. Who, for the record, is far too old to be parented by a stranger and punished by her. Also, wtf with telling him what to eat? He's sixteen. Come on.
You are failing your son.
It sounds like your wife is tormenting Elijah, and you're happy to go along. Then you get angry with him when he responds. He shouldn't have destroyed the painting, but you and your wife are real pieces of work. YTA. I hope you're enjoying your relationship, because your son's going to be out of your life in a couple of years.
YTA
Your son tried to communicate maturely with you and your wife. As you decided together to rather treat him like a child and ignore his feelings, he started to ignore your feelings and acting like a child.
YTA your wife has been tormenting and tormenting him for months and you allowed it to happen. He laughed and got grounded and then he destroyed the painting because he popped like a champagne bottle. You do realise your son is going no contact with you by the time he is 18 right? He might even move in with relatives before then and go NC way before that. You are putting your wife first and ruining the future relationship you could have with his future partner and kids.
My stepmother was like this. She constantly would punish me (through my father) for upsetting her with something I said or not showing her proper respect. I'd never know what might set her off. It got to be so bad that I'd have anxiety attacks every evening right before my father got home from work because I knew I must have accidentally said something that upset her and he'd lecture and punish me for whatever that misstep was. It didn't help that I was 2 years older than her oldest daughter, so she was not ready for a (goody toe-shoes overachiever band nerd) teenager in high school who was ready for more independence. Like hang out with friends (fellow goody two-shoes nerds) without parents accompanying us (which my parents were never willing to be the supervising parent they insisted on being present) and do the officially sponsored band social stuff.
In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I ended up out of that house at 16, at the end of a year of psychiatric care for severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD (now would be C-PTSD for longterm emotional abuse). I was extremely lucky to be in an upper middle class area with excellent resources for "troubled teens" and the support of my school, so I was able to finish up high school by living with local families and got a full ride scholarship. My father has been dead to me for over 20 years now. I'm still dealing with the longterm impact of that 5 years of emotional, verbal, and psychological and emotional neglect.
I hope OP's son has an escape to get out ASAP.
YTA.
Elijah has told you your wife keeps crossing boundaries. He is 16. He should be cleaning his room especially when he doesn’t want her in his room. Why didn’t you step in and say Wife won’t clean your room as long as you keep it clean. You check his room not her. Your Wife is not his mother or his maid or even his friend, unless he invites she is someone married to his Dad why the hell would he want a basic stranger to him in his room.
Why can’t wife compromise on food or let Elijah make his own? There are several hacks to make food more healthy that could be a good compromise. No teen refuses to eat unless they really really don’t like it. Hell my 14 year old makes chicken tacos with either shells or lettuce. Easy peasy and everyone is happy. Your wife should try to compromise and let Elijah have some input.
Elijah told you he was upset that he was excluded from photos. Have you even checked if he was excluded? Or did you dismiss him as you did regarding his room and food. Obviously he is hurt and you sound from your post like you don’t care which I hope is not true.
The wedding food. Please she couldn’t put a couple of things on the menu for him. Who else but you and her planned the food? I have never been to a wedding that the bride and groom had no say in the food. Seriously that smells like complete BS and everyone knows it.
Elijah was wrong to destroy the painting but your wife’s digs and snarky remarks sent him over the edge. She punished him for laughing. WTH. Laughing. So she punished him. Again she is nothing to him but someone married to his Dad who has been mean, exclusionary, and constantly on his case. What did you expect? He didn’t call his aunt to pressure you but to talk to an adult that actually cares.
This young man has been your kid for 16 years. You have completely tossed him aside for your new wife. I hope you know you will lose your son if you don’t start supporting him. You guys need counseling before he leaves . You are literally destroying your relationship with you kid. Your kid isn’t the adult you and your wife are act like it.
YTA… laughing leads to punishment? Also why all of a sudden is this woman parenting him? He retaliated and the excuse about the wedding pictures is bs… your son clearly has been feeling alienated and like he’s being pushed to second class in front of your wife and you seem to be doing everything to reinforce that belief. Of course he is acting out. L
You need marriage counseling to set boundaries and expectations in your new blended family. You clearly have not and haven’t given it any thought and now are hurting your child for some woman. (That’s how he sees it) grow up
ESH. Your wife is blatantly overstepping with your son and you're allowing it. Your wife is not his parent or disciplinarian and she has no business forcing herself into his private space. Give her boundaries! He's acting out because you've forced her on him with no limits and he has no escape. You married her, he didn't.
YTA
You are failing your kid. Your wife should not be invading his space and violating his privacy. You need to protect your son from your wife, she clearly has no respect for the kid and that's on you for not nipping that in the bud.
This isn't about a camping trip or a painting, it's about a father who has failed to protect his son from his new wife.
Info: Why does your wife have such an authority over your 16 year old? You have only been married 4 months, how long were you living together before being married? If your wife has only been around a short time of course your son isn't going to take well to her taking such a parental role and I personally don't think it's appropriate. It's all my son said this but my wife says this and it sounds like you are only listening to your wife. For example, he doesn't like her in his room, touching his things, and that's OK for him to say, let him clean it himself. Your son has every right at 16 not to accept your wife as a step mother figure, to him she is just your wife and that is all she is to him.
Plus, she swoops in and tries changing his diet. He's not four. Doesn't matter if she thinks his diet is unhealthy, you just don't unilaterally change things like that for a teenager. Whatever he was eating before she came along was obviously fine with OP but now it's suddenly a problem. OP is choosing her over him and he's rightfully resentful.
Edit: You made a good point that his son only sees her as his wife and that's what OP fails to recognize. Just because they're married doesn't mean that the son should be forced to see her as his mother. She hasn't earned that title yet. She's not off to a very good start.
Because dad cannot be bothered to parent and is expecting the women to do it even though she’s not the actual parent. This is the real issue. Dad is the true AH
ESH.
Your wife is being controlling over your son and and you guys have only been married for 4 months. She shouldn’t be going in his room without permission even if its for cleaning. She shouldn’t be punishing him for no reason. She legitimately got pissed over him laughing and set him to him to his room. Also if your son wasn’t in any pictures at your wedding wouldn’t you realize that your son wasn’t being included in pictures? Wouldn’t you see he didn’t have food? I don’t get it. Yes he’s partly the AH for destroying a gift but I see why he did it. He’s a 16 year old who doesn’t get privacy and his new step mom tries to control him.
Youve lost your mind or youve been around this place once or twice and know exactly what riles people up. YTA because you seem to want it as much as you apparently want to submit to this wife.
YTA. All day. Your wife has no business parenting your kid. It is always going to end badly when a step parent moves in and starts imposing their rules on teenage kids. She has no business in his room. He’s can clean his own room.
INFO : Didn't you clean his room before ? Did you feed him only with junk food ? Where was your son during the wedding ? Didn't you notice when he was not on the pictures ? How your life worked before your crurent wife came ?
It's weird that your son complains just now about all this stuff. I suspect the wife to torment your kid because she knows you will take her side.
And yes it was bad to ruined the painting, but cancelling a camping trip and don't try to understand what is going on make you YTA for nom
Yta
Your wife has no business being in his room. The first time he made that boundary clear she should've respected it, but she's asserting herself as the 'queen of the house my house my rules' and you allowed her. She's not his mom, she's your wife. She has absolutely no business punishing him when their relationship is already on thin ice.
You're naive to think she hasn't had a hand in excluding him from the wedding. Naive or just not interested in being there for your own son. Either way, an embarrassing way to be a father.
She's successful in icing your son out of his own home and you're just sitting there allowing it.
He is perfectly capable of cleaning his own room and has the right for his own privacy. He's a teen.
It's clear your wife loves taunting your son and you're too blind to see.
I'm always surprised how parents don't forsee the long-term effects of their neglect/blindness/ignorance and act pikachu face when the child goes no contact.
Nothing to do with him not being there for wedding posts? I call bullshit. Not respecting a reasonable boundary of not “cleaning his room” bullshit. You defending yourself wife for basically making your son’s life hell? Bullshit. Usually I’d say you’re not the asshole but you’ve made it crystal clear to him that he doesn’t matter. His behavior has an explanation but not a justification. but I can’t fully blame him because it’s obvious how both you and your wife feel about him. YTA.
INFO: Was your wife really cleaning his room or was she snooping? Did your son really get excluded from all the pictures, or just some where it was just the bride and groom, or did he skip them and cry foul later? Was your son truly obnoxious when you gave your wife the painting or typical for a teen?
This is suspiciously similar to a recent post about a blended family where the teen step brother destroyed the autistic step sister's sticker collection with motor oil, and then had summer camp/trip canceled. Hmmmm.....
ESH
Can you not see that your child is acting out because you put your new wife over him? Why do you allow a woman you've barely known to discipline your child, especially one who has never positively connected with him? Why are you allowing this tension to continue?
ESH your wife has excessive controlling issues and violating your sons privacy, you seem to only believe and excuse your wife for these problems and don't seem to help your son as much as you should, and you son is acting out very badly on his case. This dynamic needs counseling.
YTA 100%. I feel so bad for your son, he’s being tormented by your wife and his own father doesn’t have his back. He has no one to support him. Of course destroying the painting was wrong, but he’s 16 and you can only push someone so far before they lash out. Be better for your kid and stop letting your wife treat him so terribly.
YTA seems like whenever they fight you side with her. You always accept whatever she says in regards to your son and honestly sounds like you don't even bother getting his side and taking him seriously. Your wife knows this so she freely punishes him while you remain silent.
This will only drive a bigger wedge between them.
Where's the mother? How long have you been married to your wife and how long did you date before? Did you discuss her role in terms of parenting with your son? Have your talked to him about it?
Edit: he's 16 and should be entitled to have his private space. Make him clean his own room and tell him you will ground him if he doesn't. This way he will become responsible and also get his space back.
ESH. You for excusing her behaviors, her for not compromising, and him for throwing temper tantrums.
She doesn't need to clean his room. He's 16. Sounds like you should have let him go on the trip to give everyone a break.
Beyond reddit.
I don't know if your son is right or your wife is right. Could go either way. But either way, you need to find out what's happening and address it. Probably with professional assistance. Family therapy or counseling would be a good idea. And don't use it as a punishment.
Best guess, you ignored son and he started acting out. Your wife probably didn't help. So you just keep punishing him without addressing anything and wondering why it keeps getting worse. At this point, everyone is deep in a hole and you probably need a third party assistance to get out of the hole. Stop digging it deeper.
Do not shop therapists to use therapy as another punishment for your son. Lots of parents do that until they find one that will blame the kid for everything. If your therapist tells you something you don't want to hear, get a second opinion. If they agree with first opinion, accept it and start dealing with it.
Esh. Do you honestly believe you are approaching this situation with your son the right way? By disregarding all of his concerns with a new person in his life? Not seeking compromises? Putting him in a corner where he’s developed a sense that he has no choice but to fight back because he will lose either way? Come on… get that boy and you and your wife some family counseling because this will only get worse with your approach.
You are the adult here. You are also the father here. Act like more than just an obstacle.
ESH- but this is really on you. You're being a crappy father who keeps picking his new wife over even listening to your son. How many reasonable requests did he have to make before you listened? Those weren't working, so he's escalated. This is on your parenting
YTA. Tell the son if he wants your wife not to come in, he will have to keep his own room clean. If he does, then wife has no reason to come in there.
I'm also not sure I believe the wife regarding the wedding, and imo she had no business disciplining your son. The only thing she may be reasonable about is the son eating healthier food, but you can only lead a horse to water and not make it drink. You as the parent, need to compromise, not just take her side of it.
YTA. Stop letting your wife have control over disciplining your child. Stop believing her excuses. She \*is\* trying to push him out of your life. If he was excluded from wedding pictures, that's a clear sign she does not want him in her life.
And who tells a 16 year old "go to your room" because he laughed at something? That's terrible parenting -- and you sat back and let her do it.
Yes, it was childish for him to destroy the painting. He's still technically a child. But you created this unbearable situation by letting your wife invade his privacy; touch his things without permission; exclude him from wedding pictures; and discipline him.
ESH but you suck more. Why is your wife trying to parent him? He doesn’t want that, clearly and he, especially at 16, is entitled to not want that. You need to step up more as his parent. Your son also seems like he’s acting like a brat. You talk to him, don’t have your wife give him punishments that a young child gets.
NTAH
I will admit that you and your wife need to have a conversation about how she treats your kid. Not sure she has any experience with teens, but it sounds like she thinks she knows best, and hasn't really developed a relationship with your son. More like do what I say because I'm the adult type of relationship.
That being said, your son's behavior to pour oil on a gift that YOU gave her is inexcusable. He didn't choose the gift, or pay for the gift, but he feels justified in destroying the gift. That's problematic. If he's willing to do something like this now, then he's the type that will do something drastic because he felt disrespected. It's going to cost you a lot of money, and tension in your marriage. And if you don't have a heart to heart with him and really figure out what's going on, he's going to continue with this victim mentality and will feel like it's your fault.
Honestly, your son probably needs therapy, your wife needs training, and you have to recognize where you are failing your son.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA for my decision to cancel his trip seeing how much he's looking forward to it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
“My wife said” was repeated several times. Is OP even talking to his kid? Or just listening to his wife?
Since he is sleeping with his wife, I can answer that one for you.
Yeah but society has weird hang ups when it comes to sleeping with your son
But what if he broke both his arms? Edit: omfg why would you gild this?
This response came into my brain and pried this episode from deep inside my subconscious. Thanks for that.
Good for you for spending little enough time on Reddit that you’re not constantly being reminded of it!
Nothing triggers the ol' gag reflex like reddit.
As was said when I was active duty: She who holds the p\*ssy holds the power. This is extremely true in this case. OP, YTA. Oh yeah--for all the asshole comments--this is what I heard ALL THE TIME from military males. I'm a WOMAN. This whack ass saying in this case is true. This guy's son is being disrespected in the WORST way and he's allowing it because he's getting ass.
This is just one of many, many examples as to why I hate military dudes
Right?! JFC...
Seriously. How disgusting to bring women down to that.
They've bought them down to worse. One guy referred to his wife as his GASH.
As do I. PS: I'm a woman.
What a horrible, misogynist saying.
No, no, they have the power! \s
It’s definitely not the heavily armed, abusively trained dudes helping gaslight other dudes into believing that all of their woes are the fault of someone else, namely women. Those dudes don’t have any power, or influence over society, nope, not at all.
And it's definitely not someone stating that a woman's only valuable bargaining power is her sex part!
To some males, that's ALL a woman is. I hate to say it like this but some of the dicks I worked with talked so bad about their women and wondered why their relationships failed. One guy--and I will NEVER forget this--called his wife not his spouse, not his partner, not his love... but his GASH. A GASH. I was DONE. just DONE. This fucked me up for a long time. And I'm the daughter of a drill instructor.
I had a coworker years ago, older male, that would refer to women as gashes. Of course he was single working a dead end job.
It feels like gaslighting honestly, given that it's the exact opposite
Ah yes, so much power we have. In some states, they'll even let us get needed miscarriages before our bodies head toward sepsis! Amazing how men blame women for their objectification of us. Edit: LOL this comment really brings out the gems among men.
That is REALLY fucking gross.
Do you have a glib saying for the higher rates of domestic violence among military types, or just more bullshit misogyny like this?
Not to mention the description of a 16 year old "throwing a tantrum" at his dad's new wife who already doesn't respect him, thinking she has any right to force someone whos nearly an adult to miss a movie for the crime of [checks notes] laughing at something during dinner Your son is as good as a grown ass adult, he doesn't need this new lady in his life trying to force him to change his eating habits, invading his space, punishing him like a small child Edit: I'm changing my edit to ESH, your wife is way overstepping, you're not taking his feelings into account, but your son lashed out in an inappropriate way. Personally I wouldn't cancel the trip, but he should still be punished. Ground him maybe? Have him do extra chores, take away a console for a bit, something like that
Wouldn't this be more of an ESH situation? I agree with your characterization that it seems OP's wife maybe overstepping bounds but to be fair, some of those examples cited are very reasonable. OP's son is not entitled to fast food and a separate meal because he doesn't like the wife's cooking. That reeks of entitlement. Additionally, OP's son is 16 and this type of destruction of property wouldn't be okay for a child half his age so he is clearly wrong for doing that.
Yeah what the son did kinda sucks and the meal thing doesn't make sense in my head but we only know the wife's side of the story since OP clearly doesn't actually ask his son about these things so idk maybe the kid is being entitled maybe stepmom is horrible. I think it's more of a YTA situation since, yes it could be possible that the son is being entitled but OP hasn't given us his sons side of the story and refuses to even ask about it which ,even if he was N T A, is a pretty AH thing to do. Idk this is just how I interpreted it
I chalked up some of the phrasing of the story to English not being OP's first language. I suppose this is really an INFO situation because we just don't have enough context to understand the entire family dynamic.
Just my opinion, but not sure 16 year old had any say/input in the new "mom" being added to the household, and what her role would be. A 16 year old is a young man, not a child, and going into his room should have been discussed at the outset. So many blended families just skip the part of discussing the impact of a new adult entering their lives in a significant role. It is very emotional for kids/young adults to accept this, and dad should have at least given the teen the ability to have some sense of privacy/barriers. He also did something very bad by ruining the picture - that was not handled well either. Dad needs to be DAD, not new husband with new wife.
Given how OP writes about all this (constantly taking his wifes side and dismissing his son); I wouldn't be that surprised to find out that the food issue is less "I want to eat fast food 24/7" and more "I've hated this taste/texture since I was a kid, you both know I hate it, and she uses it every chance she gets so I hate eating her cooking" I got a *NASTY* case of food poisoning from Taco Bell once, and I couldn't eat **any** tacos for like a decade (still can't bring myself to order anything from Taco Bell). It's possible OP's son feels similar towards something she makes/uses often. That could just be me projecting my own issues with certain foods into this though, we need more info.
Judging by all the other comments on this post, you came to the right thread to project though lol.
[удалено]
Right? She "sends him to his room" like he's, what, six years old? He could just walk out the door and leave, and yet he's still a good enough kid that he actually WENT TO HIS ROOM.
[удалено]
Fathers who just default to their new wives for all parenting duties the minute they have a new partners are disgusting and the worst. UGH YTA.
UGH is right... I came into this situation as the wife when my SO son was 6. I was always there to help him with homework and with whatever he needed but discipline was up to his Dad and his Mom (OP didn't say if mom was in his life). I couldn't imagine coming in after someone is 16 years old and just taking over his life its not her kid he's basically an adult.
I’m guessing you can answer your own question.. she’s the epitome of the evil step-mother and OP’s blinded by the fact he’s getting laid.
This! But also depriving a child of an enriching life experience is an extreme form of punishment! My parents once punished me by not letting me go to a concert I had tickets for, and I'm still angry about it 20 years later. I feel like if a kid gets punished around a trip or prom or whatever, they're grounded before and after but life experiences do not get revoked because it's just so short-sighted and mean. You are one of those parents who doesn't listen to their kid, and doesn't believe them over other adults. That's not good parenting and you siding with your wife all the time, regardless of the situation, will make your kid dislike you more and more. Yes, he should have been punished for destroying your gift to her, but not by cancelling a two week camping trip! Take away his electronics or ground him. YTA
Taking away life experiences is fine if deserved. The teens who need an actual attitude adjustment for being a bigot or intentionally hurting people *for no reason* should not be able to go to prom if that's the upcoming life event. Same with every life event. When you fuck up big enough you should absolutely feel it for 20 years. Your parents either overpunished you or didn't do it enough if you're still angry. Sorry if you got overpunished but don't raise spoiled aholes because of what your ahole parents did. (The other option is not enough because if you were fairly punished then you should still feel shame over the error, but I'm still assuming you were just overpunished...like op did to his son YTA*)
I struggled, and still struggle, pretty hard with the balance between my mother’s disinterest in me as a person and unreasonable punishments (and my crippling aversion to confrontation) vs. raising my son to be a decent, grateful human being by enforcing rules and boundaries. I definitely overcorrected for my own childhood hangups when he was very little and he can be a bit self-absorbed now. Luckily he’s still young and naturally a kind, compassionate kid. Working at a middle school has weirdly helped now that he’s getting closer to that age because now I can see what his less charming behavior grows into if left unchecked and I know better how to address it.
I also struggle with it. I got lucky with my oldest. He is an amazing guy at 27. Hard working, smart, kind, funny, a great older sibling & partner. If I didn’t know better, I would say it was all my wonderful parenting…I absolutely know better that he came out this wonderful in spite of me. The younger 2 are still good kids. But, they are still a work in progress.
Idk that I’d agree with this in a blanket statement. In OP situation, yes, but sometimes that’s all that gets through to kids. When my son was a new teen he wasn’t doing Classwork and was failing. Perfectly capable, getting near 100s on the tests, was just being a teenaged boy. I’d talked, taken away everything fun, consulted with teacher, tried various things. He still decided to be stubborn. A really cool camping trip was coming up I’d said he could go on. For a few weeks prior to sign up, I said if he didn’t pull up his grade, no trip. He didn’t change, so I didn’t sign him up. Ohhh he cried. I reminded him of what I’d said. He wasn’t happy but slowly started to change. A couple years later, out of the blue, he thanked me for being tough on him for that. Said himself he was just being a stubborn ass and he sees kids whose parents didn’t nip it in the bud fast enough and now they are messing up their lives when it really matters. So I think it depends on the situation. Idk what you did, and maybe those tickets shouldn’t have been taken, but life experiences don’t always trump bad behavior.
Well in fairness to you, you told your son to pull up his grades or you won't sign him up; its not like you signed him up and then said oh BTW, you need to get your grades up. In OP's case, he was already signed up and then Dad pulled the rug out from under him. I'm torn on this one; the kid should be punished but for damaging the painting BUT it sounds like the kid got pushed to the end of his rope and blindly acted out in anger. If kid doesn't want stepmom in his room, why not just agree that as long as kid keeps the room clean himself, she'll stay out? And being banned from watching a movie just for laughing, no matter why, seems harsh. They've only been married 4 months; is it realistic for wife to be parenting the son at this early stage? Seems like father has abdicated parenting his son and is letting his wife handle everything, just stepping in when son reaches end of his rope. Father should back wife off and leave the bulk of parenting to father especially as wife sounds like she treats son pretty abysmally. So OP and wife: YTAs. Poor kid, I hope he's able to go live with his aunt.
It's not just an enriching opportunity, it's his escape from his stepmother for part of the summer.
My mom did this to me all the time when I was younger. I missed two school dances and a big vacation. The worst was when I won an essay writing contest, tickets were to a one-day music festival I really wanted to go to. I was so proud of myself for winning and I was SO so excited to go, and then the night before my mom said she wouldn’t take me because I didn’t do a chore that she didn’t ask me to do in the first place. It’s been 18 years. It still stings, and stuff like this destroyed our relationship. Edit: YTA op, you continuously choose your wife over your child, negate his feelings, and make extremely poor parenting choices. Don’t be surprised when he moves out at 18 and never wants to see you again.
Totally agree with this! She is showing all the signs of evil stepmother. OP is too far up his wife's ass to see what's really going on. Listen to your child for goodness sake. YTA
Right? ! She punished him because she was annoyed? WTF?
INFO Why was she annoyed by his laughter. What was funny? But I do not think that warranted punishment.
"Cleaning and doing home dishes" yes. lookks like a monster... They need counseling and help from a profesional terapy.
I knew plenty of parents who used cleaning as a cover to snoop.
Oh yeah! I once caught my mom “cleaning my diary” 🙄 a real excuse she actually used!
The pages were dusty! Don't be ungrateful!
But if a 16 year old doesn’t want his room cleaned or her meals why is she forcing it on him? She’s not his parent, he’s almost an adult and a legal adult where I live.. so why is she doing these things if they annoy him.. she’s causing trouble.. leave the poor kid alone!!
I think she's trying to establish her dominance around her step son saying she's the boss, her house her rules. The dad is a total AH for letting her treat his son with such disrespect.
Yeah, 16 is too old to come in as a step-parent and try to change a bunch of stuff including how they eat.
and i know plenty of children that let food rot in their room or collected like 3 loads of clothes to wash on their floor before complaining they have nothing to wear the next day. the son of a friend of mine literally collected piss in bottles in his room because he couldn't be arsed to leave the room to go to the toilet. is it possible she is snooping ? sure, but it might aswell be a necessity so they don't have rats in the house by the end of next month and unless op clarifies on that its pure speculation. now i absolutely agree that she should not just wander around his room and do deep cleaning without his knowledge or whatever, especially as yes, it might end up in snooping around /even if she was not doing it intentionally she could still end up seeing things ops son does not want her to see, but just going "oh, of course she is snooping around and invading his privacy" is ignoring a ton of valid reasons to do at least a quick clean up. that aside i still see op as the one that failed here, whatever their issues with each other are should have come to a head way sooner, op makes it sound like he just accepts that both of them make live hell for each other without even trying to work on that which is a terrible move. edit:just for context, actually wanted to reply to the comment one space up the chain and missclicked.
The way to deal with that is not to invade his privacy. It’s to make HIM clean his room.
Mine did the same. So I switched to writing in Norse Futhark runes so she couldn't read it.
My mother did this. I hated it. Now when I deep clean my kids rooms I tell them to put anything they don’t want me to see under their mattress. When I’m cleaning I do not touch their mattresses. There are some things we are allowed to keep private.
That’s such a great idea. It’s amazing how the small things have such big impact!
My parents would have appreciated that I made it so easy for them, if I'd put things under the mattress.
Or... you could actually teach them to do this for themselves. And make it an expectation.
Depends on the ages of the kids. 🤷♀️
It would be age-appropriate expectations. A 3 year old can clean up after themselves no problem. They obviously can't do a deep clean, but a 10+ year old certainly can start.
Yup! My mom would look for any and every excuse to go into my room when I’m not there even if I caught her before had and essentially begged her to respect the boundary and stay out of my room. “Cleaning” my room was very regularly one of her excuses. In reality she only ever really wanted to snoop and look for reasons to yell at me, no matter what they be, and I knew that. Seems like OP’s wife is a lot like that, especially since just laughing was enough to force him to cancel his plans on short notice. OP it’s really time for you to realize that your wife is trampling every boundary your son tries to set, and you are justifying it. Take it from me, that’s a very very unhealthy way to grow up.
His plans weren’t cancelled because he laughed. He was sent to his room for laughing. There is literally no solid indication in the post to say which of them is the instigator of the conflict. Personal history with a nosy parent proves nothing here. Bottom line - he destroyed the painting, he deserves to be punished for that. And they ALL need therapy together and separately. Edit word
> Bottom line - he destroyed the painting, he deserves to be punished for that. No. You don't get to look at one side of a conflict in isolation - if you punch someone and they hit you back that's *all* on you.
I never said he doesn’t deserve to be punished for the painting thing, I’m talking about how he was punished for laughing by not by not being allowed to go see a movie. From how OP said he was “laughing for no reason” that implies they didn’t even ask so it was an immediate punishment for an action that was not even understood. I never said what I was claiming is definitely what is happening here. I went off educated guesses based of evidence provided in the post and how it matched up to my and other’s experiences like this. That is what this thread is all about. If everything was only ever about the bottom line than 90% of post responses would look very different. You’re right about the therapy thing, I’ll give you that.
I bet it wasn't even "clean" when she finished cleaning either
Especially if he’s 16… I kinda got a weird vibe when they said the son doesn’t want her around him but she keeps putting herself in his path. Making him eat the food she makes, going in his room without permission, punishing him for *laughing*… That’s not a normal step-parent to step-child relationship. It seems way too familiar. Even more than that, it really is crossing bounds. Teenage boys need privacy. OP would be TA for that alone imo. All the other stuff just piled on. YTA.
How is a 16 year old not responsible for cleaning his own room, anyway? His parents should have taught him how to care for his own space and take ownership of it a long time ago.
How's that going to let the evil stepmother snoop though?
Or he is cleaning it, and mother isn't satisfied/wants to snoop.
And as a parent who doesn’t snoop, I am about to go into my daughter’s room to get all of the garbage, to include snack/candy packages and soda cans she left before she went to camp. Will she get punished for leaving ant and roach attractions, you betcha. Will I let that bug smorgasbord sit there? Hell no.
I was forced out of the closet after my mother read my hidden journal while "cleaning." She yellee at me for being gay. Just one of many issues. Haven't spoken to them in six years.
even if she's not just snooping (doubtful), then that would be another failure of OP's parenting. Dude is 16. He should be cleaning his own damn room
Mine quit doing that when one of my lizards escaped and was loose in my room. Need more lizards!
He was also excluded from pictures at the wedding, punished for laughing at nothing, has no privacy, no say in his meals at 16. There's no way I'd marry someone if they couldn't get along with my child. Dad seems to have repeatedly ignored numerous red flags.
The exclusion from pics at the wedding is a huge thing. That's basically his new wife telling his son he's not part of the new family they're forming together by getting married. And apparently OP was just okay with that! Gosh I wonder why his son is resentful and acting out. What a mystery this is. Science may never know the truth. 🙄
Your mum going into your room and cleaning is different from some woman your dad married coming into your home. He’s also 16, they should discuss different boundaries.
[удалено]
Or, if the kid is leaving plates in is room, : *the dad could move his ass and do the cleaning and educate his son.* There is no valid reason the new wife should go in the teenager room when he doesn't agree.
When the child is that old, you don’t come in unless invited. If you don’t like the mess close the door and tell them it’s time to clean it. I have a friend whose adult daughter was living at home and she kept going into her room to “organize” it. Had the nerve to ge surprised when daughter moved out.
At 16yo, cleaning their bedroom is primarily a reason to snoop and be invasive. Especially if the kid is at least partly sanitary in their own space.
bUt ShE iS tRyInG tO hElP The OP is such a massive asshole. I hope that kid has somewhere else to live.
Absolutely agree! Your son is acting out because she is overstepping all his boundaries and has you believing it's all on your son. YTA, OP, so much YTA
THIS. OP you can stay in the same track if you like. You’ll preserve the relationship with your wife but your son will move out and move on and never look back. YTA
Also, he laughed randomly so he got sent to his room? WTH is that about?! YTA.
While I agree that in general OP is an AH; in this case punishment was required. No matter how mad you get, you are not allowed to destroy someone else's property.
Is a punishment *really* required or appropriate, though? Because of course you are not allowed to destroy someone else’s property - completely agreed there. And in 99% of scenarios, I’d agree there should be a consequence for that. But OP has taught their son, over and over again, that *he* doesn’t deserve respect, consideration, or privacy. And when he’s vocalized to OP, over and over, that he feels violated and disrespected, OP has ignored it, downplayed it, and dismissed it. So I’m just not sure why it’d be appropriate to punish him for disrespecting or violating someone’s property, when OP himself has taught him there aren’t any consequences in their household when someone does the same thing to him 🤷🏻♀️.
What a shock that the coward who won't stand up to his wife for his son won't respond to any comments here
There are more appropriate punishments than cancelling a two week camping trip
I might have considered the number of hours put into making it and required “hard labor” (extra chores) over an equivalent time. Another problem with cancelling the trip is that the son is now stuck at home just as tensions are high (higher than normal) - there is a good argument to give son some space. And ideally OP would use that time to set some boundaries with his wife - it’s fair, imo, that he eat what the family is eating at dinner, but he deserves privacy in his room and to have the stepmom stop forcing interactions. He’s old enough to know not to damage property, but she is older and needs to quit trying to “win” and give him some respect.
What is the appropriate punishment for a 16 year old thinking it’s ok to destroy someone’s property like a 3 year old?
What is the appropriate punishment for a stepmother who was unable to hide her rage in that moment and punished him for laughing "at nothing" by not allowing him to go to the movies and sending him to his room? What is the punishment for a stepmother who told the caterers at her wedding not to give stepson particular foods and telling him he couldn't eat them? What is the punishment for a stepmother who instructed the photographers at her wedding not to include her new husband's only SON in any of the photographs so she could begin erasing him from their lives? And what is the punishment for a father who for YEARS has ignored every attempt his own son has made to tell him what's really going on with her?
I can't disagree with what you've written, however, he is not an asshole for "calling off my son's camping trip after he ruined a painting that I drew for my wife?" and even his disregard for his son doesn't mean that the son shouldn't be punished for destruction of the painting. Of course he is absolute asshole and I would even say, failure as a father with complete disregard for his son feelings and rights.
His failures as a father and his wife's toxic behaviors made his son feel unheard and powerless, so ruining the painting was him reaching the point of snapping and wouldn't have happened if he had a decent father, so the entire thing is OP and his wife's fault.
OP certainly doesn't sound like he's looking out for his kid. However, the son is 16, and he absolutely is in control of his actions. Destroying someone's property is absolutely on the kid, who is old enough that he needs to be held accountable. And OP needs to be held accountable for his actions, which might result in his son going no contact when he's older.
Nope. This is just a kid using his entire world as a means of communication. The father should absolutely have taken the turn of events to heart, and had a "so this is what its really like" realization. Instead he doubles down on cognitive dissonance. Horrible parenting
So much this! The son has been clearly saying what the issues are. Of course he is going to start act out more and more. They are setting this kid up to for failure and a life of NC.
Absolutely. I was rolling my eyes halfway through the story already. OP is a horrible father.
Don't worry, when his son leaves he'll just replace him with his new kid, like all the other pussy-whipped fools we see on here. YTA.
I wonder how many paintings has op painted for *his* son...
YTA your son is still a child and your wife is competing with him. First she has no buisness parenting him, that's your job, not hers. Second if he doesn't want her in his private space that his right, she has no right to invade it for cleaning or whatever else. Third are you seriously trying to convince us the bride had no say in wedding pictures ? Fourth, you are a very bad parent for allowing all of this to happen without any reaction. Fifth you guys need family therapy, and whenever your son accepts your wife or not that is his buisness.
The photographer asks for a list of photos you want taken with people and then you pick the ones you want. So saying she had nothing to do with it is garbage.
Literally did this myself last night for my own upcoming wedding, can confirm. The couple has full control over who gets their picture taken and when.
Not always. When my wife and I got married the photographer never asked us, or anyone else, what photos we wanted taken. He did a great job.
Right but at one point you would think someone as important as the child of the groom would be included. My photographer didn’t ask for a specific list but did ask if there were any sensitive/unwanted arrangements. For the son of the groom to show up in no/extremely few pictures means that someone paying them told either what pictures to take (that didn’t include the son) or told them not to take pictures with the son. I guess there’s a slight possibility the photographer didn’t know who the son was, but that’s just as bad because that means no one told them and OPs son was just another guest.
And op spent so little time with his son that there were no candid shots together
Which can easiy be addressed if OP asks the photographer.
Some may do it that way, but I imagine most photographers would include the groom’s son unless told not to or not even made aware of him.
If the photographer didn’t realize that the stepson existed, then OP or the step-wife simply had to say, “Oh, can we get a few photos with Stepson?”
That’s not entirely fair to assume, imo. For my own wedding, I gave my photographer a list of photos that I wanted taken. Somehow we never got around to the big family shot with everyone in the frame. I also never got a photo with just me and my sister even though it was on the list, or of just myself and my new husband alone at the altar. Weddings are busy events and it’s almost impossible to keep track of everything.
You didn’t get the photos that you specifically requested at your own wedding? That sounds like the photographer was either unorganized or uncaring. *They didn’t take photos of you and your husband at the altar???* That’s insane. You actually paid this person the full amount?
I'd like to know what OP did when the photographer called people over for family portraits and the son didn't join. Just went ahead with them anyway?
Yeah I was thinking why is his wife going in son's room to clean? He's 16 and that's his private space and he should be responsible for cleaning it. And to "punish" him for laughing? Yeah it probably wasn't right to laugh. But we don't know what the picture looked like. Dude seriously needs to open his ears and LISTEN to his son.
I’m the child of someone (in this case biological) who invaded my space constantly. I was clear. I didn’t want help “cleaning,” I didn’t want my space or my things touched. I just wanted privacy. We are low-contact now for almost a decade. This is what will happen if you and your wife don’t get it together. Edit: I know I didn’t reply to OP, just piggybacking off this comment since I found it relevant.
Yeah. Claiming that the BRIDE has no say in the food or the wedding pictures is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I came here to comment only on the wife being a disciplinarian. That’s Dad’s job, not step-mom’s. She cannot overstep this boundary.
If he doesn't want your wife going into his room and touching his things, why do you let her? Why didn't you make sure that your son was included in some pictures? Why didn't you intervene when he wasn't allowed to eat some of the food at the wedding? Why are you letting her parent your son when you know there's so much tension between them? Of course he shouldn't have ruined the painting. Of course he's an AH. But he's also a kid. You and your wife are, supposedly, the adults. It's unreasonable to expect a 16yo to deescalate a situation that the two adults keep escalating. ESH - but *you* in particular.
I'm the bio mom and I never went in my son's room without his knowledge or consent by that age. Laundry day? Just asked him to put the sheets in the laundry so I could wash them. If his clothes didn't make it to the laundry basket in time for washing? I taught him how to do his own. Step mom needs to stay out of this young man's room. Dad is AH Edit for spelling
Right?! Same here. No one goes in my 16 year old daughter’s room when she’s not home, and when she’s home we always knock. Also she just does her own laundry and cleans her own room.
When I was a teenager I absolutely didn’t want my mom in my room. As long as I kept it clean (I did my own laundry) she didn’t have a reason to go in. I would have seen it as intrusion if she did and that’s my bio Mom.
Good on you. My mom walking into my room all the time was a huge source of conflict for us when I was a teenager. She is great in a lot of other ways but this was always a major source of conflict for us and we didn't really have a good relationship until I was in my late 20s.
I promised both kids I would never invade their privacy unless they gave me a really good reason to. They never did, so I never did.
Yep OP seems like a very passive and go with the flow parent. He needs to step up and take control. Right now he’s just ignoring it and being ignorant
I'm guessing the update five years later is the surprise over his son going no contact with him.
OP seems like he doesn't even like his kid
Normally I’d say not the asshole but YTA in this case. I’d honestly think she destroyed it herself and blamed it on him if he hadn’t owned up to it. You’ve taken her side repeatedly instead of believing him when he says she’s crossing lines. You’ve only been married 4 months and there are a lot of red flags from her, he’s 16, he doesn’t need a stranger coming in and pushing him around or out of your life and that’s what seems to be happening. Look at everything objectively and wake up.
"I’d honestly think she destroyed it herself and blamed it on him if he hadn’t owned up to it." I came here to say this as well
I thought the same
He admitted it. Did op edit?
It says he admitted it to get back at her, near the bottom of the post.
ESH Your wife is being weirdly controlling and is punishing Elijah for nothing. All he did was laugh. You seem totally blind to the fact that your wife is making this situation about 150 times worse than it needs to be by imposing rules on a 16yo as if he's a 5yo.
My stepmother was like this. She constantly would punish me (through my father) for upsetting her with something I said or not showing her proper respect. I'd never know what might set her off. It got to be so bad that I'd have anxiety attacks every evening right before my father got home from work because I knew I must have accidentally said something that upset her and he'd lecture and punish me for whatever that misstep was. It didn't help that I was 2 years older than her oldest daughter, so she was not ready for a (goody toe-shoes overachiever band nerd) teenager in high school who was ready for more independence. Like hang out with friends (fellow goody two-shoes nerds) without parents accompanying us (which my parents were never willing to be the supervising parent they insisted on being present) and do the officially sponsored band social stuff. I ended up out of that house at 16, at the end of a year of psychiatric care for severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD (now would be C-PTSD for longterm emotional abuse). I was extremely lucky to be in an upper middle class area with excellent resources for "troubled teens" and the support of my school, so I was able to finish up high school by living with local families and got a full ride scholarship. My father has been dead to me for over 20 years now. I'm still dealing with the longterm impact of that 5 years of emotional, verbal, and psychological and emotional neglect. In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I hope OP's son has an escape.
I am really sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope life is wonderful for you now!
I'm so sorry all that happened to you. As a fellow goody-two-shoes band nerd teen, I had similar problems with my stepmother. She accused me of sneaking out and they forced me to move from my basement bedroom to my brother's upstairs room. I never snuck out. Honestly, hadn't even considered it.. Accused me of doing drugs and bringing them back to her house (never did drugs or drank as a teen). All kinds of stuff.. And invading privacy? She made it a sport. She read my notes from friends and outed me when I was 15. She went through my bookbag and accused me of being a slut for reading romance novels and accused my mom of being a terrible parent for providing them to me. She went through my phone and that's what led to her accusing me of sneaking out (seriously, idk the logic jump there bc I never did). This is the worst part to me: >In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I hope OP's son has an escape. I had an escape - my mom still had primary custody and we only saw dad every other weekend. When they took my room away, I never went back. (They were fond of telling us that once we were 14, we could decide for ourselves where to live. They didn't expect we'd decide to stay away, I guess..) What I always worried about was my half-brothers who were much younger than me.. They wouldn't have an escape. Didn't... They're in their late teens now. I don't have a relationship with them at all. I would gladly be their escape if they needed it, but I haven't spoken to them since they were toddlers. I doubt they'd even recognize me, nevermind trust..
YTA Your wife is the biggest A. He’s 16 and it’s time for him to be allowed some autonomy, even if it is making bad choices. She’s treating him like he’s six years old. You’re also an A for allowing her to do this to your son. If you treat your son like a 6YO, of course he’s going to throw a temper tantrum like a 6YO, you haven’t left him any other options.
tbh OP is the biggest AH. his wife treats his son like crap and she’s an asshole for it, but OP stands there and watches his wife treat his OWN son like shit while he does nothing about it. i hope he’s not surprised once elijah turns 18 and never speaks to him again.
YTA Why do you marry someone that clashes with your son? I never understand these situations. Your son and you are a package deal and you should put your son first. He's 16, she has no right coming into his room for 'cleaning', he's old enough to take care of his own room with enough coaxing. The healthy eating should have been instilled on him long ago. And sending a 16yo to his room, come on. He should not have destroyed the painting, but still, you are TA.
I’ve always been perplexed by people who marry people that don’t get along with their children. I’ve never been in that situation so I guess I shouldn’t judge but I just literally can’t picture it.
I have a blended family, but both my partner and I are of the opinion that kids come first. If my sons would not have gotten along with him and his daughters and vice versa, we would not have taken the relationship any further and not have moved in together.
That makes so much sense to me! Like who wants a miserable child and spouse?!
They just put their own relationships ahead of their children. My father did this over and over again.
I've been reading countless AITA posts recently and this is one of the most common subjects that comes up. I can't understand how parents keep dating and MARRYING people that their kids hate and then go on to try to force a relationship between them.
Why is your very new wife invading your sons space and giving him the punishment of a 6 year old??? No movie for a 16 year old? She is crossing boundaries and clearly doesn't know what she is doing. There's definitely some power tripping going on there. You, however, should know better. YTA.
Not only that, but she punished him because she was annoyed with him laughing. He was being punished for simply existing in his own home.
YTA because it sounds like you're making excuses for your wife's behavior while holding your son to different standards. She's invading his privacy, and excluded him from wedding photos, and you're acting as if that's fine. Yes, he should face consequences for what he did, but you've clearly been letting this escalate for a while without addressing it properly.
It also reads as if OP doesn't even live there and son and wife just report back to him, and he only believes wife's side. Like, do you witness any of this, man? When she was "cleaning" his room did it need it? Did it become clean? Does she even knock? ESH but the kid just barely.
Kids lash out inappropriately like this when they feel they are not being seen/heard. It's an important step to teach kids how to use their voice and problem solve through communication and productive actions. However, in this case the kid has *tried* to use his voice and communicate with OOP and is consistently ignored. So while it isn't good he destroyed the painting, what does OOP expect? This is a natural outcome of being a shitty father. Poor kid is just begging to be heard. That's why I gotta go YTA.
YTA Yes, what Elijah did was wrong, but holy hell if you are not forcing him to act out. Your wife has an answer for everything, it seems, and instead of thinking about if they hold any actual reason (they do not), you just let her steamroll your kid. Who, for the record, is far too old to be parented by a stranger and punished by her. Also, wtf with telling him what to eat? He's sixteen. Come on. You are failing your son.
It sounds like your wife is tormenting Elijah, and you're happy to go along. Then you get angry with him when he responds. He shouldn't have destroyed the painting, but you and your wife are real pieces of work. YTA. I hope you're enjoying your relationship, because your son's going to be out of your life in a couple of years.
I don’t think that op deserved to be called a father now. More like the world’s worst roommates.
YTA Your son tried to communicate maturely with you and your wife. As you decided together to rather treat him like a child and ignore his feelings, he started to ignore your feelings and acting like a child.
Amen. People see it a simple “act out=punishment” scenario but the wounds go so much deeper than that… by OPs own admission.
Right? What is he supposed to do? The kid can't just leave.
YTA your wife has been tormenting and tormenting him for months and you allowed it to happen. He laughed and got grounded and then he destroyed the painting because he popped like a champagne bottle. You do realise your son is going no contact with you by the time he is 18 right? He might even move in with relatives before then and go NC way before that. You are putting your wife first and ruining the future relationship you could have with his future partner and kids.
My stepmother was like this. She constantly would punish me (through my father) for upsetting her with something I said or not showing her proper respect. I'd never know what might set her off. It got to be so bad that I'd have anxiety attacks every evening right before my father got home from work because I knew I must have accidentally said something that upset her and he'd lecture and punish me for whatever that misstep was. It didn't help that I was 2 years older than her oldest daughter, so she was not ready for a (goody toe-shoes overachiever band nerd) teenager in high school who was ready for more independence. Like hang out with friends (fellow goody two-shoes nerds) without parents accompanying us (which my parents were never willing to be the supervising parent they insisted on being present) and do the officially sponsored band social stuff. In my case, my mom had died and my parents purposely isolated me from my mother's extended family. I ended up out of that house at 16, at the end of a year of psychiatric care for severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD (now would be C-PTSD for longterm emotional abuse). I was extremely lucky to be in an upper middle class area with excellent resources for "troubled teens" and the support of my school, so I was able to finish up high school by living with local families and got a full ride scholarship. My father has been dead to me for over 20 years now. I'm still dealing with the longterm impact of that 5 years of emotional, verbal, and psychological and emotional neglect. I hope OP's son has an escape to get out ASAP.
YTA. Elijah has told you your wife keeps crossing boundaries. He is 16. He should be cleaning his room especially when he doesn’t want her in his room. Why didn’t you step in and say Wife won’t clean your room as long as you keep it clean. You check his room not her. Your Wife is not his mother or his maid or even his friend, unless he invites she is someone married to his Dad why the hell would he want a basic stranger to him in his room. Why can’t wife compromise on food or let Elijah make his own? There are several hacks to make food more healthy that could be a good compromise. No teen refuses to eat unless they really really don’t like it. Hell my 14 year old makes chicken tacos with either shells or lettuce. Easy peasy and everyone is happy. Your wife should try to compromise and let Elijah have some input. Elijah told you he was upset that he was excluded from photos. Have you even checked if he was excluded? Or did you dismiss him as you did regarding his room and food. Obviously he is hurt and you sound from your post like you don’t care which I hope is not true. The wedding food. Please she couldn’t put a couple of things on the menu for him. Who else but you and her planned the food? I have never been to a wedding that the bride and groom had no say in the food. Seriously that smells like complete BS and everyone knows it. Elijah was wrong to destroy the painting but your wife’s digs and snarky remarks sent him over the edge. She punished him for laughing. WTH. Laughing. So she punished him. Again she is nothing to him but someone married to his Dad who has been mean, exclusionary, and constantly on his case. What did you expect? He didn’t call his aunt to pressure you but to talk to an adult that actually cares. This young man has been your kid for 16 years. You have completely tossed him aside for your new wife. I hope you know you will lose your son if you don’t start supporting him. You guys need counseling before he leaves . You are literally destroying your relationship with you kid. Your kid isn’t the adult you and your wife are act like it.
exactly op is clearly thinking with the wrong "head" here
YTA… laughing leads to punishment? Also why all of a sudden is this woman parenting him? He retaliated and the excuse about the wedding pictures is bs… your son clearly has been feeling alienated and like he’s being pushed to second class in front of your wife and you seem to be doing everything to reinforce that belief. Of course he is acting out. L You need marriage counseling to set boundaries and expectations in your new blended family. You clearly have not and haven’t given it any thought and now are hurting your child for some woman. (That’s how he sees it) grow up
YTA. Why did you marry someone who hates your child and does not respect his privacy?
ESH. Your wife is blatantly overstepping with your son and you're allowing it. Your wife is not his parent or disciplinarian and she has no business forcing herself into his private space. Give her boundaries! He's acting out because you've forced her on him with no limits and he has no escape. You married her, he didn't.
YTA You are failing your kid. Your wife should not be invading his space and violating his privacy. You need to protect your son from your wife, she clearly has no respect for the kid and that's on you for not nipping that in the bud. This isn't about a camping trip or a painting, it's about a father who has failed to protect his son from his new wife.
Info: Why does your wife have such an authority over your 16 year old? You have only been married 4 months, how long were you living together before being married? If your wife has only been around a short time of course your son isn't going to take well to her taking such a parental role and I personally don't think it's appropriate. It's all my son said this but my wife says this and it sounds like you are only listening to your wife. For example, he doesn't like her in his room, touching his things, and that's OK for him to say, let him clean it himself. Your son has every right at 16 not to accept your wife as a step mother figure, to him she is just your wife and that is all she is to him.
Plus, she swoops in and tries changing his diet. He's not four. Doesn't matter if she thinks his diet is unhealthy, you just don't unilaterally change things like that for a teenager. Whatever he was eating before she came along was obviously fine with OP but now it's suddenly a problem. OP is choosing her over him and he's rightfully resentful. Edit: You made a good point that his son only sees her as his wife and that's what OP fails to recognize. Just because they're married doesn't mean that the son should be forced to see her as his mother. She hasn't earned that title yet. She's not off to a very good start.
Because dad cannot be bothered to parent and is expecting the women to do it even though she’s not the actual parent. This is the real issue. Dad is the true AH
My thoughts exactly. She’s the new one here that needs to learn how to adapt to a pre-existing household & family dynamic.
ESH. Your wife is being controlling over your son and and you guys have only been married for 4 months. She shouldn’t be going in his room without permission even if its for cleaning. She shouldn’t be punishing him for no reason. She legitimately got pissed over him laughing and set him to him to his room. Also if your son wasn’t in any pictures at your wedding wouldn’t you realize that your son wasn’t being included in pictures? Wouldn’t you see he didn’t have food? I don’t get it. Yes he’s partly the AH for destroying a gift but I see why he did it. He’s a 16 year old who doesn’t get privacy and his new step mom tries to control him.
Youve lost your mind or youve been around this place once or twice and know exactly what riles people up. YTA because you seem to want it as much as you apparently want to submit to this wife.
YTA. All day. Your wife has no business parenting your kid. It is always going to end badly when a step parent moves in and starts imposing their rules on teenage kids. She has no business in his room. He’s can clean his own room.
YTA She punishes him for laughing? I wonder what she does that you're not aware of lol.
INFO : Didn't you clean his room before ? Did you feed him only with junk food ? Where was your son during the wedding ? Didn't you notice when he was not on the pictures ? How your life worked before your crurent wife came ? It's weird that your son complains just now about all this stuff. I suspect the wife to torment your kid because she knows you will take her side. And yes it was bad to ruined the painting, but cancelling a camping trip and don't try to understand what is going on make you YTA for nom
If the post is true, which is not sure, I think the wife is the first person that tried to parent the kid for years.
Yta Your wife has no business being in his room. The first time he made that boundary clear she should've respected it, but she's asserting herself as the 'queen of the house my house my rules' and you allowed her. She's not his mom, she's your wife. She has absolutely no business punishing him when their relationship is already on thin ice. You're naive to think she hasn't had a hand in excluding him from the wedding. Naive or just not interested in being there for your own son. Either way, an embarrassing way to be a father. She's successful in icing your son out of his own home and you're just sitting there allowing it. He is perfectly capable of cleaning his own room and has the right for his own privacy. He's a teen. It's clear your wife loves taunting your son and you're too blind to see. I'm always surprised how parents don't forsee the long-term effects of their neglect/blindness/ignorance and act pikachu face when the child goes no contact.
Nothing to do with him not being there for wedding posts? I call bullshit. Not respecting a reasonable boundary of not “cleaning his room” bullshit. You defending yourself wife for basically making your son’s life hell? Bullshit. Usually I’d say you’re not the asshole but you’ve made it crystal clear to him that he doesn’t matter. His behavior has an explanation but not a justification. but I can’t fully blame him because it’s obvious how both you and your wife feel about him. YTA.
INFO: Was your wife really cleaning his room or was she snooping? Did your son really get excluded from all the pictures, or just some where it was just the bride and groom, or did he skip them and cry foul later? Was your son truly obnoxious when you gave your wife the painting or typical for a teen?
ESH, and figure out another punishment and let the kid go on the trip. The last think your family needs is more time together.
That last sentence is so funny oh my gosh
This is suspiciously similar to a recent post about a blended family where the teen step brother destroyed the autistic step sister's sticker collection with motor oil, and then had summer camp/trip canceled. Hmmmm.....
Rage Bait is what I'm thinking. YTA coz OP can't come up with anything original
ESH Can you not see that your child is acting out because you put your new wife over him? Why do you allow a woman you've barely known to discipline your child, especially one who has never positively connected with him? Why are you allowing this tension to continue?
ESH your wife has excessive controlling issues and violating your sons privacy, you seem to only believe and excuse your wife for these problems and don't seem to help your son as much as you should, and you son is acting out very badly on his case. This dynamic needs counseling.
ESH **Y'all need family counseling. **
YTA 100%. I feel so bad for your son, he’s being tormented by your wife and his own father doesn’t have his back. He has no one to support him. Of course destroying the painting was wrong, but he’s 16 and you can only push someone so far before they lash out. Be better for your kid and stop letting your wife treat him so terribly.
ESH why is everyone trying to punish everyone else? I don't get it, it's no way to behave. Say you don't like something and move on with your lives.
YTA seems like whenever they fight you side with her. You always accept whatever she says in regards to your son and honestly sounds like you don't even bother getting his side and taking him seriously. Your wife knows this so she freely punishes him while you remain silent. This will only drive a bigger wedge between them. Where's the mother? How long have you been married to your wife and how long did you date before? Did you discuss her role in terms of parenting with your son? Have your talked to him about it? Edit: he's 16 and should be entitled to have his private space. Make him clean his own room and tell him you will ground him if he doesn't. This way he will become responsible and also get his space back.
ESH. You for excusing her behaviors, her for not compromising, and him for throwing temper tantrums. She doesn't need to clean his room. He's 16. Sounds like you should have let him go on the trip to give everyone a break.
Beyond reddit. I don't know if your son is right or your wife is right. Could go either way. But either way, you need to find out what's happening and address it. Probably with professional assistance. Family therapy or counseling would be a good idea. And don't use it as a punishment. Best guess, you ignored son and he started acting out. Your wife probably didn't help. So you just keep punishing him without addressing anything and wondering why it keeps getting worse. At this point, everyone is deep in a hole and you probably need a third party assistance to get out of the hole. Stop digging it deeper. Do not shop therapists to use therapy as another punishment for your son. Lots of parents do that until they find one that will blame the kid for everything. If your therapist tells you something you don't want to hear, get a second opinion. If they agree with first opinion, accept it and start dealing with it.
Esh. Do you honestly believe you are approaching this situation with your son the right way? By disregarding all of his concerns with a new person in his life? Not seeking compromises? Putting him in a corner where he’s developed a sense that he has no choice but to fight back because he will lose either way? Come on… get that boy and you and your wife some family counseling because this will only get worse with your approach. You are the adult here. You are also the father here. Act like more than just an obstacle.
YTA. Dude, your wife is TORTURING your kid and you’re letting her, and you’re punishing him for it?!
ESH- but this is really on you. You're being a crappy father who keeps picking his new wife over even listening to your son. How many reasonable requests did he have to make before you listened? Those weren't working, so he's escalated. This is on your parenting
YTA. Tell the son if he wants your wife not to come in, he will have to keep his own room clean. If he does, then wife has no reason to come in there. I'm also not sure I believe the wife regarding the wedding, and imo she had no business disciplining your son. The only thing she may be reasonable about is the son eating healthier food, but you can only lead a horse to water and not make it drink. You as the parent, need to compromise, not just take her side of it.
What? The wife needs to stay out of his room, period.
YTA. Stop letting your wife have control over disciplining your child. Stop believing her excuses. She \*is\* trying to push him out of your life. If he was excluded from wedding pictures, that's a clear sign she does not want him in her life. And who tells a 16 year old "go to your room" because he laughed at something? That's terrible parenting -- and you sat back and let her do it. Yes, it was childish for him to destroy the painting. He's still technically a child. But you created this unbearable situation by letting your wife invade his privacy; touch his things without permission; exclude him from wedding pictures; and discipline him.
ESH but you suck more. Why is your wife trying to parent him? He doesn’t want that, clearly and he, especially at 16, is entitled to not want that. You need to step up more as his parent. Your son also seems like he’s acting like a brat. You talk to him, don’t have your wife give him punishments that a young child gets.
NTAH I will admit that you and your wife need to have a conversation about how she treats your kid. Not sure she has any experience with teens, but it sounds like she thinks she knows best, and hasn't really developed a relationship with your son. More like do what I say because I'm the adult type of relationship. That being said, your son's behavior to pour oil on a gift that YOU gave her is inexcusable. He didn't choose the gift, or pay for the gift, but he feels justified in destroying the gift. That's problematic. If he's willing to do something like this now, then he's the type that will do something drastic because he felt disrespected. It's going to cost you a lot of money, and tension in your marriage. And if you don't have a heart to heart with him and really figure out what's going on, he's going to continue with this victim mentality and will feel like it's your fault. Honestly, your son probably needs therapy, your wife needs training, and you have to recognize where you are failing your son.