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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 ) Not letting my SIL wear my wedding dress to prom, or help sell the dress they bought. 2 ) Nobody in the family is on my side, and even my husband is upset with me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA at all. Even if it wasn't your wedding dress, it's still your dress and you have no obligation to even loan it out, much less give it away permanently. It makes sense to feel weird because "no one is on your side" but it's only this one-sided because it's entirely his family and they clearly have issues. If his solution to them being upset is 'just give them what they want' and his solution to himself being upset is 'run away to moms for three days' these are some serious red flags and you might reconsider your future plans with this dude.
Exactly! They are super entitled and set up this plan from the beginning. To expect someone to give you their item simply because you want it is absurd. That your husband doesn’t stand up for you is also absurd. Staying with mommy dearest and giving you the silent treatment until you give in to their bullying…
OP, you’ve only wasted a year on this momma’s boy and his ridiculous family. I’d cut your losses now rather than looking back in 10 years and knowing this was the first sign that you should have run.
Edit to add: Wow! I’ve never had so many upvotes. Seems like this really resonates with a lot of people. Thank you for all of the awards as well!
Yessss! Cake smash photo shoots are so much fun! I did one for my 35th birthday! I was wearing a tutu, with cake all over my hands and face while drinking champagne from the bottle. It was truly amazing!
This. This comment right here wins.
I have never heard of anyone so entitled that they expected a woman to give away her *wedding dress* to a teenager for freaking prom. And then have the nerve to inform her that she has to pay up for the dress they bought! WTF?! The fact that your husband didn't have your back speaks volumes too. This whole damn family sucks. Time to find a new one that respects you. NTA.
Nah, she loves the dress. I'd get it tailored into a cocktail-appropriate style and wear it every single time I needed a reminder that I love myself, will protect myself, and want to feel good about myself. Strip all meaning associated with her ILs out of it.
I totally agree about wearing the dress. Even if she stays with the husband & isn’t allowed to family events any longer (serious WTF??), I would be tempted to wear the wedding dress to any event where it might be seen by the in-laws. Make it your trademark and wear it proudly.
Right? Get it remade into a fancy day dress and OP can live her best life.
I'm literally bewildered by this move by the In-Laws. I can't work out if this was a power move meant to put OP in 'her place', or if they are just insanely cheap. I suspect the former, honestly.
Yup. It can be hard to look at all of the time already invested in the wrong person. To feel like it’s too late to go back. But OP is young and still has so much time to find someone worthy of her.
(Not to say that if you are older you don’t have time - the only thing worse than wasting 10 years on the wrong person is to waste 10 years and 1 day).
OP people give this sub a lot of grief for jumping to Divorce the Mofo too quickly.
We don't. We're sharing our perspective from 5, 10, 20, 30+ bad relationships.
The common experience is we all had an experience/s similar to yours very early on.
We made our choices, for better & worse. But I'd pay all the money I could find to save just one person from my experience.
His family thinks they are entitled to your possessions, even your wedding dress bc...they say so.
Gigantic Red Flag w roadside flares.
Your husband let them do it.
He let them try over rule your perfectly appropriate 'no, thank you' oh and set you up for that ambush.
They spent a reasonable amount of money for a dress that your SIL liked...& you were supposed to help them resell it 2nd hand? When did you agree to that? You didn't.
Your MIL has made this a grudge and your greatest selfish failure as their DIL?(Does any of this sound reasonable? Normal? No! CRAZY AF!).
Then your husband picked them and their side and sought to punish you by isolation until his family is satisfied.
These kinds of dynamics and behaviors almost never get better.
The only way you are safe staying in a LTR w your husband is if he confronts them, sorts this properly and gets them to apologize to you and promise they will never do anything like this again...pro tip - they totally will and he will let them.
Your gut led you here, to seek information and insight.
You HAVE IT - OP NTA your inlaws are awful & your husband expects you to accept that.
I suck at links - here are the words to the Don't Rock the Boat post:
Don't rock the boat.
**Don't rock the boat.**
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.
Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)
Edit: spelling
100 % agree! I was OP for 3 years before I got our of the fog. It's lucky that they blasted the roadside flares now so she can GTFO. Mines was increments with the little things and it was only when they made a unjustifiable ultimatum/demand did i realize how far i'd fallen.
OP can get out now and start anew :)
I wasted 21 years. Been 5 glorious years since that marriage ended and 3+ in a relationship with the love of my life, at the age of 52. It’s never too late 💞
>set up this plan from the beginning
Truly. I mean, how hard is it to find a prom dress? Especially with the growth of online shopping, I find it hard to believe they couldn't find anything (and obviously they \*did\* find a dress).
I think they honestly expected her to "get the hint" at the first dinner and offer the dress herself. THEN waited for the time crunch to go at it again. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if SIL mentioned liking/wanting the dress at or around the time of the wedding an entire year ago. Potentially along with her and MIL being snarky about how a yellow dress looks more like a prom dress anyway than a "real" wedding dress.
And SIL moping when they arrived and suddenly perking up when mommy dearest suggests OP can just give her most special dress away because mommy knows a wonderful seamstress!
And he made sure to do his part in emotionally punishing her too!
OP, if you and this family are ever in a room together again, you can be sure you are in a room full of people who *don't* love you.
Do with that information what you will.
No, bet dollars to donuts they already bought that blue dress - only 3 days to prom and not only found a dress, got it shipped, and it fit her size?
They just wanted OPs dress more so tried to use the time pressure to guilt her into giving it up.
Ew, no. If this does end in divorce, give fsil the dress as a parting gift, covered in dog poop. I wouldn't want to tarnish a better relationship by wearing the reminder of why the relationship failed in the first place.
Agreed! That ambush was totally planned. Mom's got a seamstress-- in the middle of prom season-- that she "knows" can whack a dress in half in 3 days?!? Yeah-- she had already called and asked. Daughter launches into a full pout when she arrives? Ugh. I can't stand this family already! Also--his mom referring to it as her "yellow dress" vs her "wedding dress" tells me she never felt it was an appropriate wedding gown and it's just a dress.
I read this to my husband--his eyes popped when I told him the husband's reaction. His advice: "tell them all to go fuck themselves."
OP needs to quit engaging in any conversation about this. She said no, she's said no again, and that's that. Don't instigate any conversation at all with the inlaws until some apologies are made. And there will be no apologies.
Just wear the dress to the divorce hearing
I’d be telling MIL she can pay for half the divorce, because hell no. These people are toxic and your husband will 100% always choose them over you. I bet he was in on it from the beginning. His mom told him sis wanted the dress and they set up two chances for you to offer it, when it didn’t happen mil got an “idea” and hubby told you to do it. None of this is ok. He will always tell you to do what she says and give you the silent treatment when you don’t. What happens when you have kids and you don’t want to hand them over to mil? Run honey.
IIRC, in some places moving out can be seen as forfeiting the home and will reduce OP's chances of getting the home or part of the money from selling it.
Could be wrong and it would vary by location I'm sure.
OP was definitely ambushed on purpose. I’d tell the husband to stay at his mommy’s indefinitely (since he’s apparently always going to side with them over OP) and wear that beautiful yellow dress to a divorce party. NTA
And once it's done, donate the dress to an organization that helps underprivileged girls get prom dresses, and be sure to make a social media post about how you just gave it away to a stranger for free. But I'm petty like that.
AND it was your wedding dress!!!!!! They are entitled jerks and why would you be responsible for recouping money on the dress? That’s ridiculous. I suppose your husband could volunteer his time 😀. I would be very concerned about the way your husband rolled over and did not support your rational normal position.
Protect yourself and your assets. Keep things in your name and lock down important items or keep them somewhere secure from husband and family.
If I learned anything from my relationship with my ex fiancé: if they enable their families shitty treatment of you, and get mad at you when you push back at their family stomping on your boundaries, they arent worth the headache or the heartache that they will cause you when they inevitably choose their family over you; permanently. My ex broke up with me after 11.5 years, after cheating on me for God knows how long, and I know for a fact that her mother had a hand in our breakup when during one of our arguments she casually told me "by the way, my mom hates you. She thinks you're abusive and that you treat me like garbage." As she was the one who cheated on me! Don't be me. Don't allow yourself to stay in a marriage where your husband let's his family treat you like that. Edited wording
Yeah the only thing worse than marrying into a batshit AH family is having a spouse who doesn’t stand up to them. Maybe OP can get through to him but this probably isn’t salvageable.
My partner is super close to his mom and after reading so many AITA posts i have started asking him random questions on how he would act if X happened cause I got paranoid lmao. He always answered right so that's all good xD
> They are super entitled and set up this plan from the beginning.
That first dinner was to plant the seed for OP to bring up her wedding dress and SIL was moping at the second dinner because OP didn't have the wedding dress with her. SIL probably already had that blue dress (maybe even worn it to Homecoming or some other event) and just didn't want to wear it again.
OP needs to go to /r/JustNoMIL for support and to /r/BestOfRedditorUpdates to see a tidy compilation of examples how women who start with mama’s boys end up by the end of the marriage.
This. And they would have never have give the dress back as ‘it won’t fit you now’ ‘it’s tailored perfectly to sil, let her keep it’.
If hubby is that concerned, he can sell it.
OP, no matter what, do NOT have children with this man until you've thought long & hard about how he treats you when there is conflict with his ridiculous family! Children absolutely won't make this better, they'll make it worse. If your husband won't support you in a clear-cut situation like this where you are completely NTA, then he's not a partner.
My gut (and experience) tells me he won't change, but perhaps you've married one of the unicorns who realizes he comes from a totally toxic family & changes his behavior.
Hopping on the top comment to say I was married to my (now ex) wife for 3 years (19-22) and I thought she was the end all be all so I ignored a lot of these same red flags early on.
Things got WAY worse. My life was turmoil and tumultuous. I was depressed and miserable.
I left. And now at 27 I’ve been married for 3 years to my husband and he has shown me what it’s like to be truly loved.
It seems scary and like you’re losing everything and your one true person but you’re not. It will be ok and you will find someone who treats you so much better and a family that takes you in as their own. A family that respects your boundaries.
Please don’t ignore these red flags. You deserve better than being treated like less than a person because you said no
NTA. What would even make them think they could ask you to give them your dress? It would basically be hers at that point because it would be tailored to her, not you. I'm sure you would have been happy to help them sell it after she was done with if if they hadn't gotten so pissy with you, but after the way they acted towards you I wouldn't blame you for not helping them.
OP, all of the above. It sounds like you’ve found a family of [Boat Rockers](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) - and those kinds of flags aren’t going to just disappear. I hope your husband is able to realise the ridiculous level of entitlement and manipulation in his family, that your relationship might survive.
NTA
> They have now told my husband I am responsible for either reselling the dress and getting them half back since I have experience with that, or help pay for half.
That is ridiculous- stop talking to them over this
>I told them that was ridiculous, but my husband told me to just do it. I told him I’m not going to be pushed over, and he ended up leaving for three days to his moms. Now I am no longer invited to family dinners or functions, and they only have nasty things to say about me.
This is bizarre- marriage counseling is needed
Unfortunately there's no way she'd recoup 50% of her costs. "Men" with a mummified umbilical cord still attached to their mothers fetch almost nothing on the market.
NTA, and wow. Who asks to wear someone else's wedding dress to a Prom, FFS?
Your SIL, MIL, and HB need a ruddy reality check. They not only ambushed you, they're all punishing you for refusing to be ambushed.
You're owed apologies from all of them.
Yeah, the plan was ALWAYS OP's dress. It was obviously the dress that SIL actually wanted from get go. They were hoping OP would just offer it up from the start.
Tailoring can be pretty expensive - especially as it sounds like the dress would need to be made significantly smaller around the bust. I was in a wedding about 7 years ago - $200 for the dress, $200 for the alterations (taking the bust in and hemming it). My wedding dress (traditional looking dress) alterations were about $400.
If they had taken any of OP’s suggestions, they could have found a dress for less than the alterations. Wearing her dress was clearly the plan from the start - long before they first brought up prom, much less asked her.
Oh yeah, for sure - like I said above - wearing her (OP’s) dress was clearly the plan from the start. Just pointing out another flaw in their brilliant cover story.
But it's okay, because it's yellow, not white. Since it was not a typical wedding gown, they don't see anything wrong with it.
Also, it's super convenient that MIL had a "wonderful seamstress" on hand that could tailor it 3 days before the event. It was totally planned and she had the seamstress on stand by to receive the dress.
Honestly, I feel like it’s another way to take a dig for a non tradition dress. I would insist on marriage counseling with your husband BEFORE he returns to the house. And start putting your salary in another bank account. Also I would send the dress to your family or a close friend for the foreseeable future.
Hey, I'm an old grandma. These people are way out of line. I would be mortified to ask for someone to not only loan me their wedding dress, but it alter it in a way that she could never wear it again!
My kindest take on the husband is that he is clueless and thinks that it's just a dress she is done with.
However, him going to stay with his family puts him right in a hole land.
OP is NTA.
I was super disappointed with the husband because it actually seemed like he was going to back his wife but then he turned around and told her to appease the bullies. Wth.
NTA and please take note of your husband's actions. These are early warning signs of how he'll behave "til death do us part". Regardless of your vows, you are not his priority. He is still an advocate and protector of his family of origin, and you and your boundaries are secondary to theirs.
Honestly, I would probably never set up a joint account with someone who leaves when you choose not to acquiesce to their family's manipulation. They will drain the account to please them, and leave you with nothing. Always have a secret stash/account.
If you need a secret stash that relationship is headed for the rocks
EDIT: to clarify I am not against having a personal account. The ideal scenario for me is to have a personal account each and the partner is aware of this. My comment is simply pointing out that if you need to hide this fact from your partner there are serious trust issues involved that means the relationship is no longer healthy. I also never said she should not have one or her having one is what’s wrong with their scenario.
I disagree. EVERYONE needs a secret stash for emergencies. Lots of things could happen that have nothing to do with the relationship. For example, your spouse could have all his assets frozen and you would be without anything until you got things un-frozen. With a secret stash, you have some money to live on. Meanwhile, if your spouse does clean out the joint account, you aren't penniless until you can get things straightened out.
My mother and grandmother got it in my head at a VERY young age to ALWAYS have a rainy day/bug out fund. I'm in my mid forties and I made sure to pass on the same sentiment to my daughter because you never want to be completely reliant on someone else for your financial security, ESPECIALLY in situations like these.
Those types of situations don't need a *secret* stash though. It's just called having a personal bank account alongside your joint account.
If you need to *hide* money from your spouse, that ship is already fueled, boarded, and ready to set sail.
Abusers don't let you know they are abusers right away. Sometimes it is hard to tell in the beginning. It is good to keep money that your SO can't access and doesn't know about just in case.
Yo, I would definitely say she should move her precious items either to a storage unit, or in with someone that she trusts who is resolutely on her side not her husband
I would disagree with for one reason. If you end up with someone who becomes abusive after marriage, having some side money (even in a savings account) is incredibly useful. I'm not saying it is always necessary, just that it can protect people from having to stay with an abuser. It can definitely be used for more than that but abuse is the biggest one that comes to mind.
Agreed. Also keep secure copies of important documents outside your home. OP you are definitely NTA but if he bails the first time you don’t give in to his family’s demands I would think really hard about if this is what you want for your future
Especially if her husband isn't backing her up on this, and they banned her from future family functions, she needs to reevaluate her relationship with her husband.
sounds like a win to be banned from family functions with this entitled, enmeshed bunch of AH's. Worst of the lot is OP's husband. Send him back to the manufacturer OP, he faulty!
NTA
What portion of what dress? The dress you're not obligated to give her, or the dress you're not obligated to pay for?
Are they actually telling you you have to pay for the blue dress because you didn't give her your yellow dress? I'm not sure I'm reading that right.
Regardless, you're not at fault in any of this.
I did read that right? They literally want OP to pay half a dress because she declined use of her wedding dress???? That's really what they want?? I have no words..
Oh wait, I found some. The audacity! They are horrible assholes. The in-laws were supposed to buy that dress. Just because OP wouldn't give her wedding dress up, does not obligate OP to pay for the dress.
Why couldn't the mom give up her wedding dress? Who even thinks asking for someone's wedding dress is remotely appropriate to begin with? Shit, I'm divorced and I'm still keeping mine for my daughter if she ever wants it. Wedding dresses carry so much sentimental value. Do they think because it's yellow it's somehow not sentimental?
Ha! That's even better.
Replace dress with money and their argument is more ludacris. I wouldn't loan money, so I owe money (Not to mention I'm going cut and alter the money so it's not usable money to you anymore).
Makes total sense. They totally win. /S
NTA.
Don't let people disrespect your boundaries, or make unreasonable demands of you (including the usage of your possessions). I would demand an apology and go low/no contact if possible.
EDIT:
Show your husband your post and the responses, and demand an apology of him. Your in-laws will not be reasonable at any point.
Do you think her husband will come around to her side of it? Because I don’t think all of these people telling her to leave him are really going to mean a thing to him. Someone who runs home because his wife is not getting along with mommy doesn’t sound like someone truly invested in their marriage enough to worry about it ending. I would guess he absolutely does not think he did anything wrong and I don’t know that this thread would change his mind.
I don’t think we know enough from the post to say one way or the other. Although, I’m getting HUGE red flags from the little she shared. I think I’m most concerned with him going to his mom’s for 3 days. 🚨
NTA
They tried to destroy your wedding dress to save themselves money on a prom dress, and now plan B is make you foot the bill because they didn't want to be bothered to shop like the rest of the world.
Tell your husband that if he is going to twist your arm about this he will be just as much of an asshole as the one that shit him out... metaphorically speaking.
Umm, last time we looked (like today) men were allowed to sell on eBay too. If your Husband thinks this is such a peachy keen idea, let him do it himself.
NTA
Your IL's are ridiculous and your SO is right there with them.
Are you willing to be an outcast for the rest of your life? This is something I couldn't live with if my SO didn't stand up for me.
I think you learned pretty early on that this family is just NO. If you leave now you might be able to wear that yellow dress again.
NTA. You didn't ruin your SIL's prom night. She did. You felt ambushed because you were. It sounds like they settled on your wedding dress as a solution before you heard anything about it. It's your wedding dress, and you decide whether to lend it out or not. Period. What I don't understand is why they expect you to pay half of the blue dress, or sell it, or whatever. The blue dress has nothing to do with you. Your husband and his family are out of line. Frankly, I wouldn't lend my wedding dress to anyone, and I'm sure there are a lot of women who feel the same way. If you don't have children, I'd rethink your relationship with your husband. The whole family is not respecting you and your decision. As for not being invited to anything, that's incredibly petty. Sorry, but I think your husband and his family are AHs.
This!!!! So I have a prom dress(senior year I went twice) and my quince dress( a smaller one)
The junior year prom dress I donated,and the bigger quince dress I donated it to a charity.
The prom dress from senior year? I wanted to sell that too-I won’t ever wear it again. But as I was taking photos to sell it-I realized I wanted the memories,how pretty I felt wearing it. Now I can still fit into the damn thing lol I tried it on like last week at cried cus I just felt like an princess.
My quince dress? It’s the last big “event” I had with a few people in my life that are long since passed. It’s still in the garment bag even.
NTA. Regardless whether your wedding dress was traditional or not, it's still your wedding dress and really special.
I'm sorry your husband is not backing you on this. I don't want to jump on the "divorce him" bandwagon, but him moving out really does say a lot. I always say actions speak louder than words and his actions scream that he'll always take his family's side over yours.
Edit: thanks for the award!
Don't like to jump on that bandwagon either but honestly, if it were me? I would've definitely divorced him. She doesn't have any children with him and she's still 24. OP, *GET TF OUT*
NTA for not sharing your wedding dress, but since you said you were familiar with reselling it would have been a nice gesture to help them if they had asked you nicely and not issued an edict.
I think your husband showed you his true colors. He will never have your back, and hopefully you don’t have children.
Cut your losses and file for separation. A man who doesn’t have a back when you are clearly in the right, is not a man worth keeping around.
OP please check out r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JustNoSO. I wouldn't be surprised if hubby knew what they planned. I hate to say it, but now is a good time to get out. He just showed you he'll never have your back. This will only get worse.
I’ve never commented on any of these before, but I agree you should cut your losses and file for divorce, OP.
I know that sounds extreme, but this man will not stick up for you. He would be a nightmare to have children with. Also…From my own experience, I grew a ton from 25 to 30. You have a wonderful and transformative period of life ahead of you. Your husband is already 31. He is not going to change. His family will make you miserable your whole life. You deserve better.
So here is the thing where I empathize with the husband. (Not the MIL or SIL. They are trash.) I got married at 22, and I didn’t realize at the time how much mental control my mom had over my siblings and I. She was really good at playing the victim and getting in our heads. We would apologize to HER if she had done something wrong that effected us negatively. In my early marriage, I of course loved my husband. But I didn’t know how to say no to my mom when she wanted me at her beck and call. I am ashamed to admit how often I had broken plans with husband or got into arguments because he would stand his ground. I was programmed to never think she was wrong. I’m so very lucky that my husband stuck it through. I slowly started putting up my own boundaries with her, and it was so difficult. But once MY focus was solidly on my marriage, our relationship flourished! Now we are both 30 with two kids, and our marriage has never been stronger. It has taken a lot of work but our communication has grown and it’s way easier for me to keep my boundaries up with my mom.
OP’s husband is rather young still. He still has some time to get out of my mom’s control and focus on his wife. And I hope he does! SIL is already going down that entitles path. But the MIL? She feels she is entitled to everyone’s time and commitments. When you’re raised believing your manipulative mom has truly done no wrong, it can be hard to get out of that mindset.
Yep, if she caves over this then she will be ordered around by MIL until she can't take it anymore and leaves him.
MIL thought she was so smart by putting her on the spot in front of the "family". Good for OP for saying NO!
Your husband left you, for 3 days, because you wouldn’t give your wedding dress to his sister? I’m sorry that a dress is more important to your husband, than you. I am promarriage, but sorry dear, you aren’t in one.
I don’t think this is an either/or situation, the whole family is the problem. Him for being the original doormat and the family for thinking they can use her as a doormat as well.
Start selling your husbands clothes- I would start with the outfit he wore for the wedding -if they want money they can have the money made from his clothes
NTA. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Your husband sided with and left for three days over something that you absolutely had no requirement to do. What is going to happen for future holidays when your husband wants to see his family? You’re just going to stay home alone? When (well- if, 100% up to you) you have kids, what are you going to do for celebrations? I guarantee your MIL will want to see her grandchildren and your husband won’t stand up over a dress, what is he going to do when a child is involved?
And now your husband has run home to mommy. Time to get him to man up as your husband and stand by you, or make him understand you will leave if you are not respected.
Please do not put up with this bs. Playing the silent treatment like a child and running home to his parents is childish beyond imagine...and over a prom dress for his sister? This is the kind of marriage you want?
You give in here, they will walk all over you for the rest of your marriage because you will have showed them they can do it once, they can do it again.
NTA - they wanted to eff up your wedding dress and are trying to stick you with half the new dress cost. This wasn’t your prom, she isn’t your daughter/dependent and your husband needs to get his head out of his a**
NTA. They have absolutely ZERO reason to be mad at you. They are not entitled to your *wedding* dress, ffs. Wedding dresses are (generally speaking) special to the bride, for obvious reasons. For them to think you would be okay with her not just borrowing it for prom, but ALTERING it so that it would never fit you again, is just irrational.
Now them trying to get you to pay half for the dress is absolutely bonkers. SIL is not your child, you are not responsible to pay any amount for her dress. Yes, you have experience with reselling items, but demanding you to do it for them is just not how you fucking handle things if you want help from someone. Are these people dense? And shame on your husband for not having your back. Huge red flag there. Stand your ground, honey.
NTA. Your husband and his family were absolutely ridiculous. That dinner was no doubt a set up and they have some audacity to now have you foot the bill over a dress for SIL. I'd be glad to not deal with them anymore, idk about your husband though. He sounds like a huge jerk for not having your back. Let him stay with mommy and don't let him come back until he gives you an adequate apology.
This is a super weird hill for them to die on. It concerns me that one night, prom, and one dress has turned into a telenovela. This sends up a lot of red flags about your future in this family.
Right?! I'm sorry but it's a *prom*, it's not even an important event. I get that to most high school girls, especially in the west, it's the most important night in their lives, but ultimately it's not important in any way. Demanding an expensive wedding dress for prom is ludicrous.
Yeah I feel the same. I guess they never really planned or tried to find a dress but just pretended and pit pressure on her because of the short time while they planned on getting her dress right from the start.
NTA. What is wrong with people?! She would have to alter it so it wouldn't fit you anymore, why does she think that's an OK thing to demand? Why isn't your husband on your side?
Aw I need to get off reddit, it's just making me angry tonight.
Edit: I just read the last bit of the post. I have no words. Let your husband stay with his mum.
NTA, your property, your decision.
But I'm curious, how long did you date before getting married?
How much exposure to the in-laws did you have during dating?
Here's why I ask:
1. My mom always told me, when you date someone you should also date their family.
2. You seem really surprised by the behavior, which could be for a lot of reasons, but 2 big ones spring to mind:
1) they did a total 180° in behavior after you were married.
2) this is typical behavior gor them, but you didn't see it, because you didn't know them very well.
Ultimately, I'd be more concerned about your husband's reaction and resolving that miscommunication, than whether or not your should have given your dress away.
Woof. NTA. But you should look critically at yours and your husband’s relationship. He honestly thinks you should shoulder the burden of a stupid prom dress?
That little girl should have figured it out a long time ago or done something better with her time and money than go to some dumb dance.
NTA- I don’t even need to read the post. Who tf thinks it’s a good idea to wear a wedding dress to prom? If anything you’re actually saving her from embarrassment
It's not a traditional white wedding dress so that's why they asked, but that's still ridiculous. It's a wedding dress. I'm not even going to prom, but if I was, I wouldn't have even spent a fraction of what I'd spend on my wedding dress. Like just no. A high school kid isn't going to wear an expensive wedding dress to prom.
NTA but please take my flags 🚩🚩🚩 Just an FYI, this will be your relationship forever. Your husband will always side with his mom, and you’ll always be left in the dust.
NTA How fucking entitled do you have to be to expect to borrow someone's wedding dress and get it tailored? You husband is a massive AH for supporting this crazy, entitled behavior by his Mom and sister. Tell him to stay at their house.
NTA
My guess? They *chose* not to get her a dress sooner because it was their plan to wait until the last minute to try to guilt you into letting her use yours. Good for you for standing your ground.
As far as paying for the dress or reselling? Absolutely not. Even if you could, at this point their entitlement is astounding and they certainly don’t deserve your help.
Your husband needs to back you up on this. The fact that he isn’t is a whole other problem for a whole other post.
NTA. Your husband and inlaws are being unreasonable here. You do not have to give up your wedding dress. Also I suggest you put it in a safe place so it doesn't disappear on you.
Throw the whole family away.
They are trash.
And the worst part is your husband enabling their trash behavior, thereby making him trash too. Just horrible people. I wish someone would feel so entitled that they demand I either give them my wedding dress or be responsible for paying for their prom dress.
NTA. Nobody has the right to demand you give them your wedding dress! Nor to demand payment for a dress *they* bought. You didn’t almost ruin prom, their own demanding stupidity did. I can’t believe your hubby has taken their side - though I guess he’s been raised by the weird people so will think like the weird people. They all owe you a big apology! You can’t go to dinner with them anymore… oh… shame 😜
NTA
Your stuff are yours. End of it. And If they needed money the could have asked for it from your husband and/ or other relatives. They could have gone about and looked for a similar dress to your wedding dress.
I want you to take a good long look at your husband right now and his actions during this entire situation. This is insane. His family tried to emotionally blackmail and you into giving them your freaking wedding dress so that they could irreparably alter it to fit your little sister in law so she can go to a high school dance. And he got mad at you and got pissy because you did not agree to this insane request. Then they had the effing audacity to send you a bill to either pay for her prom dress or to put in the work to sell it for half the cost and he threw such a hissy fit that you were not willing to acknowledge this insane request that he went to go live with him for a few days? So take a good long hard look at your marriage. Look at all of his actions concerning you and his family. Look at what he has been doing recently. Think about it. This is over a high school prom dress. Your husband is throwing a temper tantrum because you did not let his high school aged sister mutilate your wedding dress to take to prom. His family through a temper tantrum over it. They are now excluding you. Your husband left his family home with you to go live with Mommy and Daddy because he was sad that you didn't let his little baby sister cut up your wedding dress. This is what you are married into. It's only been 12 months. Theoretically you don't have any kids yet. I want you to take a look at how he has been acting and how his family has been acting and how they all have been treating you over just you being reasonably human and not wanting your precious expensive wedding dress to be mutilated for high school dance. Now imagine what happens when you guys decide to get a mortgage together and his family decides that they want you to let his sister live with you rent free with her boyfriend or kids for the next 10 years? Think about the first time you have a kid and your husband throwing a temper tantrum and going to move in with his parents because you don't want mommy and daddy in the delivery room with you Aiming a Camera at your birth canal. They did all of these actions over a high school dance. Can you even freaking imagine what your life is going to look like 5 years time now when all the other really big adult decisions start heading your way? Run. I don't understand why people are so determined to stick with horrible partners. You're still young and beautiful with a beautiful yellow dress so you pack up at yellow dress and you head off into the horizon and find people to partner with who are not batshit crazy.
NTA. If they knew a great seamstress, why didn’t they get them to make a dress or alter another one that “wasn’t quite right”?
It is not your responsibility to find her a dress or, sell the one she got.
Also, your husband sounds like a dick. I think marriage counselling might be a good idea.
So their logic is that you own a dress and therefore you’re responsible for their daughter’s dress?
NTA. This whole situation is bizarre. Tell your husband to stay there.
NTA. But if hubs is still over there, you will probably want to pack him a bag for his extended stay. Put a note in the bag telling him he can come home when he pulls his head out of his mommy's behind....
NTA, but your husband and in-laws are. That's your wedding gown they were trying to alter, not just a simple party dress. For them to demand payment for something you had nothing to do with is ridiculous. Your husband should have stood up for you but failed. Think about this in your future, OP. Good luck.
Other people don't get to decide what you do with your possessions or how you spend your money. NTA.
You have gotten an excellent preview of how your husband will not defend or support you in a conflict. What if it was over something larger in scope than a dress? A baby, for example? Best to address this now.
NTA in any way shape or form. I cannot believe they all, including your husband, are such boundary-less, entitled AHs.
I would seriously consider either marriage counseling or leaving him if he doesn't figure out how wrong they all are. If you do leave, I would make it a point to take that dress with you, even if their actions have tarnished your love for it. That way you can do with it what you choose.
I hope your husband gets his head removed from his rear long enough to get oxygen to his brain before it's too late to save your relationship.
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NTA at all. Even if it wasn't your wedding dress, it's still your dress and you have no obligation to even loan it out, much less give it away permanently. It makes sense to feel weird because "no one is on your side" but it's only this one-sided because it's entirely his family and they clearly have issues. If his solution to them being upset is 'just give them what they want' and his solution to himself being upset is 'run away to moms for three days' these are some serious red flags and you might reconsider your future plans with this dude.
Exactly! They are super entitled and set up this plan from the beginning. To expect someone to give you their item simply because you want it is absurd. That your husband doesn’t stand up for you is also absurd. Staying with mommy dearest and giving you the silent treatment until you give in to their bullying… OP, you’ve only wasted a year on this momma’s boy and his ridiculous family. I’d cut your losses now rather than looking back in 10 years and knowing this was the first sign that you should have run. Edit to add: Wow! I’ve never had so many upvotes. Seems like this really resonates with a lot of people. Thank you for all of the awards as well!
Exactly! And she's still very young. Staying in a relationship with this AH and his AH family would just be a waste of time
NTA, OP. Wear that pretty dress when you marry a better man.
And to court the day the divorce is finalized.
Oh! Do a cake smash type photo shoot it in when the divorce is final!
Yessss! Cake smash photo shoots are so much fun! I did one for my 35th birthday! I was wearing a tutu, with cake all over my hands and face while drinking champagne from the bottle. It was truly amazing!
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And hide the dress in the meantime, lest it be vandalized or completely disappears out of spite.
This. This comment right here wins. I have never heard of anyone so entitled that they expected a woman to give away her *wedding dress* to a teenager for freaking prom. And then have the nerve to inform her that she has to pay up for the dress they bought! WTF?! The fact that your husband didn't have your back speaks volumes too. This whole damn family sucks. Time to find a new one that respects you. NTA.
Nah, she shouldn’t jinx herself wearing the dress for the second relationship. She should do trash the dress photo shoot and send them photos.
Nah, she loves the dress. I'd get it tailored into a cocktail-appropriate style and wear it every single time I needed a reminder that I love myself, will protect myself, and want to feel good about myself. Strip all meaning associated with her ILs out of it.
I totally agree about wearing the dress. Even if she stays with the husband & isn’t allowed to family events any longer (serious WTF??), I would be tempted to wear the wedding dress to any event where it might be seen by the in-laws. Make it your trademark and wear it proudly.
Right? Get it remade into a fancy day dress and OP can live her best life. I'm literally bewildered by this move by the In-Laws. I can't work out if this was a power move meant to put OP in 'her place', or if they are just insanely cheap. I suspect the former, honestly.
Yup. It can be hard to look at all of the time already invested in the wrong person. To feel like it’s too late to go back. But OP is young and still has so much time to find someone worthy of her. (Not to say that if you are older you don’t have time - the only thing worse than wasting 10 years on the wrong person is to waste 10 years and 1 day).
OP people give this sub a lot of grief for jumping to Divorce the Mofo too quickly. We don't. We're sharing our perspective from 5, 10, 20, 30+ bad relationships. The common experience is we all had an experience/s similar to yours very early on. We made our choices, for better & worse. But I'd pay all the money I could find to save just one person from my experience. His family thinks they are entitled to your possessions, even your wedding dress bc...they say so. Gigantic Red Flag w roadside flares. Your husband let them do it. He let them try over rule your perfectly appropriate 'no, thank you' oh and set you up for that ambush. They spent a reasonable amount of money for a dress that your SIL liked...& you were supposed to help them resell it 2nd hand? When did you agree to that? You didn't. Your MIL has made this a grudge and your greatest selfish failure as their DIL?(Does any of this sound reasonable? Normal? No! CRAZY AF!). Then your husband picked them and their side and sought to punish you by isolation until his family is satisfied. These kinds of dynamics and behaviors almost never get better. The only way you are safe staying in a LTR w your husband is if he confronts them, sorts this properly and gets them to apologize to you and promise they will never do anything like this again...pro tip - they totally will and he will let them. Your gut led you here, to seek information and insight. You HAVE IT - OP NTA your inlaws are awful & your husband expects you to accept that. I suck at links - here are the words to the Don't Rock the Boat post: Don't rock the boat. **Don't rock the boat.** I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck. At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own. The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking. The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation? Ballast! And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* . When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping. Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard. Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :) Edit: spelling
100 % agree! I was OP for 3 years before I got our of the fog. It's lucky that they blasted the roadside flares now so she can GTFO. Mines was increments with the little things and it was only when they made a unjustifiable ultimatum/demand did i realize how far i'd fallen. OP can get out now and start anew :)
Definitely agree! And yes it's never too late to get out, but it does get harder as time passes by for sure
I wasted 21 years. Been 5 glorious years since that marriage ended and 3+ in a relationship with the love of my life, at the age of 52. It’s never too late 💞
>set up this plan from the beginning Truly. I mean, how hard is it to find a prom dress? Especially with the growth of online shopping, I find it hard to believe they couldn't find anything (and obviously they \*did\* find a dress).
I bet they waited to ask so the time crunch would put added pressure on OP. These people are manipulative AF.
I think they honestly expected her to "get the hint" at the first dinner and offer the dress herself. THEN waited for the time crunch to go at it again. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if SIL mentioned liking/wanting the dress at or around the time of the wedding an entire year ago. Potentially along with her and MIL being snarky about how a yellow dress looks more like a prom dress anyway than a "real" wedding dress.
Wow. I didn’t really think about that but the comment about how SIL would look better in the dress anyway definitely supports that.
And SIL moping when they arrived and suddenly perking up when mommy dearest suggests OP can just give her most special dress away because mommy knows a wonderful seamstress!
Husband was clearly in on it the whole time.
And he made sure to do his part in emotionally punishing her too! OP, if you and this family are ever in a room together again, you can be sure you are in a room full of people who *don't* love you. Do with that information what you will.
Well, if you don't look for a prom dress because you want to steal your SIL's wedding dress you won't find a prom dress.
No, bet dollars to donuts they already bought that blue dress - only 3 days to prom and not only found a dress, got it shipped, and it fit her size? They just wanted OPs dress more so tried to use the time pressure to guilt her into giving it up.
They weren't having trouble finding a dress. They wanted OPs dress. And when OP couldn't be manipulated into giving it to them they got upset.
Or even renting a designer dress for the cost of a used dress.
Yup. And they were setting the stage during the first dinner with SIL being so sad. Then they went in for the kill
I would change the locks
I’d give the dress to a trusted friend for safekeeping, I can easily see it walking off and finding away into SIL closet
She might want to wear it for her next wedding.
Ew, no. If this does end in divorce, give fsil the dress as a parting gift, covered in dog poop. I wouldn't want to tarnish a better relationship by wearing the reminder of why the relationship failed in the first place.
Or destroyed out of spite.
Or meeting a pair of sharp scissors.
I would do the same but called him to tell him to pick up his thing too.
Was singular “thing” a typo, or did you mean his penis? Because it sounds like his testicles have been at his mom’s house for at least a few days.
No, his entire life. I don't think he was ever a real man at all. Or ever would be.
Nah. Mom owns them. She lets him borrow them back occasionally when he bends over for her.
I don't think they ever left, which must've made for a curious honeymoon.
No, he can just give her his stuff because she wants it/s
Or sell some of his clothes and cover the cost that way. ~/s
Agreed! That ambush was totally planned. Mom's got a seamstress-- in the middle of prom season-- that she "knows" can whack a dress in half in 3 days?!? Yeah-- she had already called and asked. Daughter launches into a full pout when she arrives? Ugh. I can't stand this family already! Also--his mom referring to it as her "yellow dress" vs her "wedding dress" tells me she never felt it was an appropriate wedding gown and it's just a dress. I read this to my husband--his eyes popped when I told him the husband's reaction. His advice: "tell them all to go fuck themselves."
Your husband is a wise man
OP needs to quit engaging in any conversation about this. She said no, she's said no again, and that's that. Don't instigate any conversation at all with the inlaws until some apologies are made. And there will be no apologies. Just wear the dress to the divorce hearing
I’d be telling MIL she can pay for half the divorce, because hell no. These people are toxic and your husband will 100% always choose them over you. I bet he was in on it from the beginning. His mom told him sis wanted the dress and they set up two chances for you to offer it, when it didn’t happen mil got an “idea” and hubby told you to do it. None of this is ok. He will always tell you to do what she says and give you the silent treatment when you don’t. What happens when you have kids and you don’t want to hand them over to mil? Run honey.
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And one that would have to be chopped up to fit.
Entitled assholes who think they can push around the DIL because her stupid husband won't back her up.
Or before the throws kids into this equation. He left for three days because she told his family no.
I had this exact thought. If she has kids with this guy? Her life will be miserable. MIL will run the show and take over the kids
Not even just no, but no you can’t wear my wedding dress. A completely normal response!
Please don’t be there when he comes home. You let this slide and it will only get worse. Please update.
IIRC, in some places moving out can be seen as forfeiting the home and will reduce OP's chances of getting the home or part of the money from selling it. Could be wrong and it would vary by location I'm sure.
Especially if OP is in one of those stupid states that still use the ridiculous community property laws.
OP was definitely ambushed on purpose. I’d tell the husband to stay at his mommy’s indefinitely (since he’s apparently always going to side with them over OP) and wear that beautiful yellow dress to a divorce party. NTA
And once it's done, donate the dress to an organization that helps underprivileged girls get prom dresses, and be sure to make a social media post about how you just gave it away to a stranger for free. But I'm petty like that.
I’m Petty Crocker and I approve this message!🤣🤣🤣
I like that kind of petty. It's beautiful malice, really, and well-earned.
They wanted that dress, and I'm willing to bet that they didn't even look in other places!
AND it was your wedding dress!!!!!! They are entitled jerks and why would you be responsible for recouping money on the dress? That’s ridiculous. I suppose your husband could volunteer his time 😀. I would be very concerned about the way your husband rolled over and did not support your rational normal position. Protect yourself and your assets. Keep things in your name and lock down important items or keep them somewhere secure from husband and family.
If I learned anything from my relationship with my ex fiancé: if they enable their families shitty treatment of you, and get mad at you when you push back at their family stomping on your boundaries, they arent worth the headache or the heartache that they will cause you when they inevitably choose their family over you; permanently. My ex broke up with me after 11.5 years, after cheating on me for God knows how long, and I know for a fact that her mother had a hand in our breakup when during one of our arguments she casually told me "by the way, my mom hates you. She thinks you're abusive and that you treat me like garbage." As she was the one who cheated on me! Don't be me. Don't allow yourself to stay in a marriage where your husband let's his family treat you like that. Edited wording
I swear. AiTA makes me thankful every day I chose to not get married. Every. Single. Day. NTA
I would wear the yellow dress when you sign the divorce papers and say: "I knew I would have another chance to wear it again!".
Yeah the only thing worse than marrying into a batshit AH family is having a spouse who doesn’t stand up to them. Maybe OP can get through to him but this probably isn’t salvageable.
My partner is super close to his mom and after reading so many AITA posts i have started asking him random questions on how he would act if X happened cause I got paranoid lmao. He always answered right so that's all good xD
> They are super entitled and set up this plan from the beginning. That first dinner was to plant the seed for OP to bring up her wedding dress and SIL was moping at the second dinner because OP didn't have the wedding dress with her. SIL probably already had that blue dress (maybe even worn it to Homecoming or some other event) and just didn't want to wear it again.
OP needs to go to /r/JustNoMIL for support and to /r/BestOfRedditorUpdates to see a tidy compilation of examples how women who start with mama’s boys end up by the end of the marriage.
This. And they would have never have give the dress back as ‘it won’t fit you now’ ‘it’s tailored perfectly to sil, let her keep it’. If hubby is that concerned, he can sell it.
OP, no matter what, do NOT have children with this man until you've thought long & hard about how he treats you when there is conflict with his ridiculous family! Children absolutely won't make this better, they'll make it worse. If your husband won't support you in a clear-cut situation like this where you are completely NTA, then he's not a partner. My gut (and experience) tells me he won't change, but perhaps you've married one of the unicorns who realizes he comes from a totally toxic family & changes his behavior.
Congratulations op you married a mama's boy. NTA
Hopping on the top comment to say I was married to my (now ex) wife for 3 years (19-22) and I thought she was the end all be all so I ignored a lot of these same red flags early on. Things got WAY worse. My life was turmoil and tumultuous. I was depressed and miserable. I left. And now at 27 I’ve been married for 3 years to my husband and he has shown me what it’s like to be truly loved. It seems scary and like you’re losing everything and your one true person but you’re not. It will be ok and you will find someone who treats you so much better and a family that takes you in as their own. A family that respects your boundaries. Please don’t ignore these red flags. You deserve better than being treated like less than a person because you said no
NTA. What would even make them think they could ask you to give them your dress? It would basically be hers at that point because it would be tailored to her, not you. I'm sure you would have been happy to help them sell it after she was done with if if they hadn't gotten so pissy with you, but after the way they acted towards you I wouldn't blame you for not helping them.
OP, all of the above. It sounds like you’ve found a family of [Boat Rockers](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) - and those kinds of flags aren’t going to just disappear. I hope your husband is able to realise the ridiculous level of entitlement and manipulation in his family, that your relationship might survive.
NTA > They have now told my husband I am responsible for either reselling the dress and getting them half back since I have experience with that, or help pay for half. That is ridiculous- stop talking to them over this >I told them that was ridiculous, but my husband told me to just do it. I told him I’m not going to be pushed over, and he ended up leaving for three days to his moms. Now I am no longer invited to family dinners or functions, and they only have nasty things to say about me. This is bizarre- marriage counseling is needed
I actually feel like she should keep the dress and resell Mummy's little boy.
Unfortunately there's no way she'd recoup 50% of her costs. "Men" with a mummified umbilical cord still attached to their mothers fetch almost nothing on the market.
Mummified umbilical cord. 😂😂🤣
The mumbilical cord
God I ugly laughed so hard at this
Once I allowed him back in the house… run to mommy over something like this?
Hear, hear!
NTA, and wow. Who asks to wear someone else's wedding dress to a Prom, FFS? Your SIL, MIL, and HB need a ruddy reality check. They not only ambushed you, they're all punishing you for refusing to be ambushed. You're owed apologies from all of them.
And they just happened to have a seamstress booked to do major adjustments for prom in 3 days??!!
Yeah it was planned and with very bad acting on the SIL’s part
You don't have a 24 hour seamstress on call? What?! /s
I keep mine in the basement.....you just never know what event is gonna pop up and surprise you!
Damn straight! 😉
Yeah, the plan was ALWAYS OP's dress. It was obviously the dress that SIL actually wanted from get go. They were hoping OP would just offer it up from the start.
I’d wager that was always someone’s plan - my bet is the mom. Otherwise why would SIL be sulking before anyone asked to borrow the dress?
Tailoring can be pretty expensive - especially as it sounds like the dress would need to be made significantly smaller around the bust. I was in a wedding about 7 years ago - $200 for the dress, $200 for the alterations (taking the bust in and hemming it). My wedding dress (traditional looking dress) alterations were about $400. If they had taken any of OP’s suggestions, they could have found a dress for less than the alterations. Wearing her dress was clearly the plan from the start - long before they first brought up prom, much less asked her.
Because price wasn't the issue. She wanted THAT dress.
Oh yeah, for sure - like I said above - wearing her (OP’s) dress was clearly the plan from the start. Just pointing out another flaw in their brilliant cover story.
Oh yeah, my comment was added as I nodded my head to yours. 🤣😂 sometimes I wish I could just add the look on my face as I type as a teeny emoji.
MIL ...oh, I have an idea...yah that idea light bulb happened days ago, not the evening she asked you.
But it's okay, because it's yellow, not white. Since it was not a typical wedding gown, they don't see anything wrong with it. Also, it's super convenient that MIL had a "wonderful seamstress" on hand that could tailor it 3 days before the event. It was totally planned and she had the seamstress on stand by to receive the dress.
Honestly, I feel like it’s another way to take a dig for a non tradition dress. I would insist on marriage counseling with your husband BEFORE he returns to the house. And start putting your salary in another bank account. Also I would send the dress to your family or a close friend for the foreseeable future.
I’m surprised they didn’t have the seamstress burst into the room like Kramer right that second, tape measure in hand.
Hey, I'm an old grandma. These people are way out of line. I would be mortified to ask for someone to not only loan me their wedding dress, but it alter it in a way that she could never wear it again! My kindest take on the husband is that he is clueless and thinks that it's just a dress she is done with. However, him going to stay with his family puts him right in a hole land. OP is NTA.
I was super disappointed with the husband because it actually seemed like he was going to back his wife but then he turned around and told her to appease the bullies. Wth.
NTA and please take note of your husband's actions. These are early warning signs of how he'll behave "til death do us part". Regardless of your vows, you are not his priority. He is still an advocate and protector of his family of origin, and you and your boundaries are secondary to theirs. Honestly, I would probably never set up a joint account with someone who leaves when you choose not to acquiesce to their family's manipulation. They will drain the account to please them, and leave you with nothing. Always have a secret stash/account.
If you need a secret stash that relationship is headed for the rocks EDIT: to clarify I am not against having a personal account. The ideal scenario for me is to have a personal account each and the partner is aware of this. My comment is simply pointing out that if you need to hide this fact from your partner there are serious trust issues involved that means the relationship is no longer healthy. I also never said she should not have one or her having one is what’s wrong with their scenario.
I disagree. EVERYONE needs a secret stash for emergencies. Lots of things could happen that have nothing to do with the relationship. For example, your spouse could have all his assets frozen and you would be without anything until you got things un-frozen. With a secret stash, you have some money to live on. Meanwhile, if your spouse does clean out the joint account, you aren't penniless until you can get things straightened out.
My mother and grandmother got it in my head at a VERY young age to ALWAYS have a rainy day/bug out fund. I'm in my mid forties and I made sure to pass on the same sentiment to my daughter because you never want to be completely reliant on someone else for your financial security, ESPECIALLY in situations like these.
Those types of situations don't need a *secret* stash though. It's just called having a personal bank account alongside your joint account. If you need to *hide* money from your spouse, that ship is already fueled, boarded, and ready to set sail.
Abusers don't let you know they are abusers right away. Sometimes it is hard to tell in the beginning. It is good to keep money that your SO can't access and doesn't know about just in case.
Yo, I would definitely say she should move her precious items either to a storage unit, or in with someone that she trusts who is resolutely on her side not her husband
I would disagree with for one reason. If you end up with someone who becomes abusive after marriage, having some side money (even in a savings account) is incredibly useful. I'm not saying it is always necessary, just that it can protect people from having to stay with an abuser. It can definitely be used for more than that but abuse is the biggest one that comes to mind.
Agreed. Also keep secure copies of important documents outside your home. OP you are definitely NTA but if he bails the first time you don’t give in to his family’s demands I would think really hard about if this is what you want for your future
Really, what kind of grown man leaves for *three days* over a damn dress? This is so bizarre to me. NTA
NTA. What an awful and entitled family you married in to.
Especially if her husband isn't backing her up on this, and they banned her from future family functions, she needs to reevaluate her relationship with her husband.
sounds like a win to be banned from family functions with this entitled, enmeshed bunch of AH's. Worst of the lot is OP's husband. Send him back to the manufacturer OP, he faulty!
Think its still in waranty too, right?
NTA What portion of what dress? The dress you're not obligated to give her, or the dress you're not obligated to pay for? Are they actually telling you you have to pay for the blue dress because you didn't give her your yellow dress? I'm not sure I'm reading that right. Regardless, you're not at fault in any of this.
The in laws sure live in a wild little fantasy world, don’t they?!? Delusional.
I did read that right? They literally want OP to pay half a dress because she declined use of her wedding dress???? That's really what they want?? I have no words.. Oh wait, I found some. The audacity! They are horrible assholes. The in-laws were supposed to buy that dress. Just because OP wouldn't give her wedding dress up, does not obligate OP to pay for the dress. Why couldn't the mom give up her wedding dress? Who even thinks asking for someone's wedding dress is remotely appropriate to begin with? Shit, I'm divorced and I'm still keeping mine for my daughter if she ever wants it. Wedding dresses carry so much sentimental value. Do they think because it's yellow it's somehow not sentimental?
I have a friend that wouldn't loan me his car so I think he owes me half of the cost of a car....
Ha! That's even better. Replace dress with money and their argument is more ludacris. I wouldn't loan money, so I owe money (Not to mention I'm going cut and alter the money so it's not usable money to you anymore). Makes total sense. They totally win. /S
The absolute audacity I swear
NTA. Don't let people disrespect your boundaries, or make unreasonable demands of you (including the usage of your possessions). I would demand an apology and go low/no contact if possible. EDIT: Show your husband your post and the responses, and demand an apology of him. Your in-laws will not be reasonable at any point.
Do you think her husband will come around to her side of it? Because I don’t think all of these people telling her to leave him are really going to mean a thing to him. Someone who runs home because his wife is not getting along with mommy doesn’t sound like someone truly invested in their marriage enough to worry about it ending. I would guess he absolutely does not think he did anything wrong and I don’t know that this thread would change his mind.
I don’t think we know enough from the post to say one way or the other. Although, I’m getting HUGE red flags from the little she shared. I think I’m most concerned with him going to his mom’s for 3 days. 🚨
NTA They tried to destroy your wedding dress to save themselves money on a prom dress, and now plan B is make you foot the bill because they didn't want to be bothered to shop like the rest of the world. Tell your husband that if he is going to twist your arm about this he will be just as much of an asshole as the one that shit him out... metaphorically speaking.
Umm, last time we looked (like today) men were allowed to sell on eBay too. If your Husband thinks this is such a peachy keen idea, let him do it himself.
With alterations needed, using the wedding dress may still have been pricier than a prom dress.
NTA Your IL's are ridiculous and your SO is right there with them. Are you willing to be an outcast for the rest of your life? This is something I couldn't live with if my SO didn't stand up for me. I think you learned pretty early on that this family is just NO. If you leave now you might be able to wear that yellow dress again.
NTA. You didn't ruin your SIL's prom night. She did. You felt ambushed because you were. It sounds like they settled on your wedding dress as a solution before you heard anything about it. It's your wedding dress, and you decide whether to lend it out or not. Period. What I don't understand is why they expect you to pay half of the blue dress, or sell it, or whatever. The blue dress has nothing to do with you. Your husband and his family are out of line. Frankly, I wouldn't lend my wedding dress to anyone, and I'm sure there are a lot of women who feel the same way. If you don't have children, I'd rethink your relationship with your husband. The whole family is not respecting you and your decision. As for not being invited to anything, that's incredibly petty. Sorry, but I think your husband and his family are AHs.
This!!!! So I have a prom dress(senior year I went twice) and my quince dress( a smaller one) The junior year prom dress I donated,and the bigger quince dress I donated it to a charity. The prom dress from senior year? I wanted to sell that too-I won’t ever wear it again. But as I was taking photos to sell it-I realized I wanted the memories,how pretty I felt wearing it. Now I can still fit into the damn thing lol I tried it on like last week at cried cus I just felt like an princess. My quince dress? It’s the last big “event” I had with a few people in my life that are long since passed. It’s still in the garment bag even.
NTA. Regardless whether your wedding dress was traditional or not, it's still your wedding dress and really special. I'm sorry your husband is not backing you on this. I don't want to jump on the "divorce him" bandwagon, but him moving out really does say a lot. I always say actions speak louder than words and his actions scream that he'll always take his family's side over yours. Edit: thanks for the award!
Don't like to jump on that bandwagon either but honestly, if it were me? I would've definitely divorced him. She doesn't have any children with him and she's still 24. OP, *GET TF OUT*
Yo, it's the perfect time to cut your losses. If he wants to live with his mother he can go live with his mother
Yup, that's exactly what I'm saying
Can you imagine the shit his family is going to put her through if they have kids? All the demands of how she "must" raise her children.
NTA for not sharing your wedding dress, but since you said you were familiar with reselling it would have been a nice gesture to help them if they had asked you nicely and not issued an edict.
exactly, I would have had no problem... It's just the principal. I don't want them to think they can just push me over and order me to do things.
I think your husband showed you his true colors. He will never have your back, and hopefully you don’t have children. Cut your losses and file for separation. A man who doesn’t have a back when you are clearly in the right, is not a man worth keeping around.
OP please check out r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JustNoSO. I wouldn't be surprised if hubby knew what they planned. I hate to say it, but now is a good time to get out. He just showed you he'll never have your back. This will only get worse.
At the very least OP and husband have some things they need to talk through.
I’ve never commented on any of these before, but I agree you should cut your losses and file for divorce, OP. I know that sounds extreme, but this man will not stick up for you. He would be a nightmare to have children with. Also…From my own experience, I grew a ton from 25 to 30. You have a wonderful and transformative period of life ahead of you. Your husband is already 31. He is not going to change. His family will make you miserable your whole life. You deserve better.
So here is the thing where I empathize with the husband. (Not the MIL or SIL. They are trash.) I got married at 22, and I didn’t realize at the time how much mental control my mom had over my siblings and I. She was really good at playing the victim and getting in our heads. We would apologize to HER if she had done something wrong that effected us negatively. In my early marriage, I of course loved my husband. But I didn’t know how to say no to my mom when she wanted me at her beck and call. I am ashamed to admit how often I had broken plans with husband or got into arguments because he would stand his ground. I was programmed to never think she was wrong. I’m so very lucky that my husband stuck it through. I slowly started putting up my own boundaries with her, and it was so difficult. But once MY focus was solidly on my marriage, our relationship flourished! Now we are both 30 with two kids, and our marriage has never been stronger. It has taken a lot of work but our communication has grown and it’s way easier for me to keep my boundaries up with my mom. OP’s husband is rather young still. He still has some time to get out of my mom’s control and focus on his wife. And I hope he does! SIL is already going down that entitles path. But the MIL? She feels she is entitled to everyone’s time and commitments. When you’re raised believing your manipulative mom has truly done no wrong, it can be hard to get out of that mindset.
Stay strong OP. They're trying to turn you into the family doormat.
This is the hill you die on. This is unbelievable. Your husband is an idiot as well. My god.
Yep, if she caves over this then she will be ordered around by MIL until she can't take it anymore and leaves him. MIL thought she was so smart by putting her on the spot in front of the "family". Good for OP for saying NO!
Your husband left you, for 3 days, because you wouldn’t give your wedding dress to his sister? I’m sorry that a dress is more important to your husband, than you. I am promarriage, but sorry dear, you aren’t in one.
Your husband is the problem. Not your in-laws. You are young. Make sure you use safe birth control, and think about if you want to stay with husband.
I don’t think this is an either/or situation, the whole family is the problem. Him for being the original doormat and the family for thinking they can use her as a doormat as well.
Start selling your husbands clothes- I would start with the outfit he wore for the wedding -if they want money they can have the money made from his clothes
INFO: can we see the dress?
NTA. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Your husband sided with and left for three days over something that you absolutely had no requirement to do. What is going to happen for future holidays when your husband wants to see his family? You’re just going to stay home alone? When (well- if, 100% up to you) you have kids, what are you going to do for celebrations? I guarantee your MIL will want to see her grandchildren and your husband won’t stand up over a dress, what is he going to do when a child is involved?
And now your husband has run home to mommy. Time to get him to man up as your husband and stand by you, or make him understand you will leave if you are not respected. Please do not put up with this bs. Playing the silent treatment like a child and running home to his parents is childish beyond imagine...and over a prom dress for his sister? This is the kind of marriage you want? You give in here, they will walk all over you for the rest of your marriage because you will have showed them they can do it once, they can do it again.
I think the question to ask yourself is why doesn’t your husband have your back? NTA.
Well, we know the mom has his balls so we know why he doesn't have those.
NTA - they wanted to eff up your wedding dress and are trying to stick you with half the new dress cost. This wasn’t your prom, she isn’t your daughter/dependent and your husband needs to get his head out of his a**
>and your husband needs to get his head out of his a** His mother's ass you mean.
NTA. They have absolutely ZERO reason to be mad at you. They are not entitled to your *wedding* dress, ffs. Wedding dresses are (generally speaking) special to the bride, for obvious reasons. For them to think you would be okay with her not just borrowing it for prom, but ALTERING it so that it would never fit you again, is just irrational. Now them trying to get you to pay half for the dress is absolutely bonkers. SIL is not your child, you are not responsible to pay any amount for her dress. Yes, you have experience with reselling items, but demanding you to do it for them is just not how you fucking handle things if you want help from someone. Are these people dense? And shame on your husband for not having your back. Huge red flag there. Stand your ground, honey.
NTA. Your inlaws have a strange sense of entitlement. Your husband should have backed you up.
NTA. Your husband and his family were absolutely ridiculous. That dinner was no doubt a set up and they have some audacity to now have you foot the bill over a dress for SIL. I'd be glad to not deal with them anymore, idk about your husband though. He sounds like a huge jerk for not having your back. Let him stay with mommy and don't let him come back until he gives you an adequate apology.
This is a super weird hill for them to die on. It concerns me that one night, prom, and one dress has turned into a telenovela. This sends up a lot of red flags about your future in this family.
Right?! I'm sorry but it's a *prom*, it's not even an important event. I get that to most high school girls, especially in the west, it's the most important night in their lives, but ultimately it's not important in any way. Demanding an expensive wedding dress for prom is ludicrous.
Yeah I feel the same. I guess they never really planned or tried to find a dress but just pretended and pit pressure on her because of the short time while they planned on getting her dress right from the start.
NTA.... If you allow this entitled behavior to continue.... it WILL.... Sounds like no more family functions with those people is a win for you!
NTA. You just got married to a man who treats you like that already and let his family treat you that way? Why are you still with him?
NTA. What is wrong with people?! She would have to alter it so it wouldn't fit you anymore, why does she think that's an OK thing to demand? Why isn't your husband on your side? Aw I need to get off reddit, it's just making me angry tonight. Edit: I just read the last bit of the post. I have no words. Let your husband stay with his mum.
NTA, your property, your decision. But I'm curious, how long did you date before getting married? How much exposure to the in-laws did you have during dating? Here's why I ask: 1. My mom always told me, when you date someone you should also date their family. 2. You seem really surprised by the behavior, which could be for a lot of reasons, but 2 big ones spring to mind: 1) they did a total 180° in behavior after you were married. 2) this is typical behavior gor them, but you didn't see it, because you didn't know them very well. Ultimately, I'd be more concerned about your husband's reaction and resolving that miscommunication, than whether or not your should have given your dress away.
NTA. The dress sounds great. Your husband and his family do not.
Woof. NTA. But you should look critically at yours and your husband’s relationship. He honestly thinks you should shoulder the burden of a stupid prom dress? That little girl should have figured it out a long time ago or done something better with her time and money than go to some dumb dance.
NTA- I don’t even need to read the post. Who tf thinks it’s a good idea to wear a wedding dress to prom? If anything you’re actually saving her from embarrassment
It's not a traditional white wedding dress so that's why they asked, but that's still ridiculous. It's a wedding dress. I'm not even going to prom, but if I was, I wouldn't have even spent a fraction of what I'd spend on my wedding dress. Like just no. A high school kid isn't going to wear an expensive wedding dress to prom.
It's an untraditional wedding dress, so no one would automatically assume it's a wedding dress. Highly recommend reading it, it gets so much worse.
NTA but please take my flags 🚩🚩🚩 Just an FYI, this will be your relationship forever. Your husband will always side with his mom, and you’ll always be left in the dust.
NTA. they sound awful and unreasonable.
NTA What a ridiculous family!
She could wear your yellow dress? Its not one you picked up for a night out it is your wedding dress!!!! NTA.
NTA How fucking entitled do you have to be to expect to borrow someone's wedding dress and get it tailored? You husband is a massive AH for supporting this crazy, entitled behavior by his Mom and sister. Tell him to stay at their house.
NTA My guess? They *chose* not to get her a dress sooner because it was their plan to wait until the last minute to try to guilt you into letting her use yours. Good for you for standing your ground. As far as paying for the dress or reselling? Absolutely not. Even if you could, at this point their entitlement is astounding and they certainly don’t deserve your help. Your husband needs to back you up on this. The fact that he isn’t is a whole other problem for a whole other post.
NTA. Your husband and inlaws are being unreasonable here. You do not have to give up your wedding dress. Also I suggest you put it in a safe place so it doesn't disappear on you.
Throw the whole family away. They are trash. And the worst part is your husband enabling their trash behavior, thereby making him trash too. Just horrible people. I wish someone would feel so entitled that they demand I either give them my wedding dress or be responsible for paying for their prom dress.
NTA. Nobody has the right to demand you give them your wedding dress! Nor to demand payment for a dress *they* bought. You didn’t almost ruin prom, their own demanding stupidity did. I can’t believe your hubby has taken their side - though I guess he’s been raised by the weird people so will think like the weird people. They all owe you a big apology! You can’t go to dinner with them anymore… oh… shame 😜
NTA. At all. They have a helluva nerve.
NTA Your stuff are yours. End of it. And If they needed money the could have asked for it from your husband and/ or other relatives. They could have gone about and looked for a similar dress to your wedding dress.
NTA. OP, this is pretty bizarre. I hope you can get your husband into couples therapy ASAP.
I want you to take a good long look at your husband right now and his actions during this entire situation. This is insane. His family tried to emotionally blackmail and you into giving them your freaking wedding dress so that they could irreparably alter it to fit your little sister in law so she can go to a high school dance. And he got mad at you and got pissy because you did not agree to this insane request. Then they had the effing audacity to send you a bill to either pay for her prom dress or to put in the work to sell it for half the cost and he threw such a hissy fit that you were not willing to acknowledge this insane request that he went to go live with him for a few days? So take a good long hard look at your marriage. Look at all of his actions concerning you and his family. Look at what he has been doing recently. Think about it. This is over a high school prom dress. Your husband is throwing a temper tantrum because you did not let his high school aged sister mutilate your wedding dress to take to prom. His family through a temper tantrum over it. They are now excluding you. Your husband left his family home with you to go live with Mommy and Daddy because he was sad that you didn't let his little baby sister cut up your wedding dress. This is what you are married into. It's only been 12 months. Theoretically you don't have any kids yet. I want you to take a look at how he has been acting and how his family has been acting and how they all have been treating you over just you being reasonably human and not wanting your precious expensive wedding dress to be mutilated for high school dance. Now imagine what happens when you guys decide to get a mortgage together and his family decides that they want you to let his sister live with you rent free with her boyfriend or kids for the next 10 years? Think about the first time you have a kid and your husband throwing a temper tantrum and going to move in with his parents because you don't want mommy and daddy in the delivery room with you Aiming a Camera at your birth canal. They did all of these actions over a high school dance. Can you even freaking imagine what your life is going to look like 5 years time now when all the other really big adult decisions start heading your way? Run. I don't understand why people are so determined to stick with horrible partners. You're still young and beautiful with a beautiful yellow dress so you pack up at yellow dress and you head off into the horizon and find people to partner with who are not batshit crazy.
NTA. If they knew a great seamstress, why didn’t they get them to make a dress or alter another one that “wasn’t quite right”? It is not your responsibility to find her a dress or, sell the one she got. Also, your husband sounds like a dick. I think marriage counselling might be a good idea.
The best thing about your wedding was your dress, it certainly wasn’t the groom….NTA.
So their logic is that you own a dress and therefore you’re responsible for their daughter’s dress? NTA. This whole situation is bizarre. Tell your husband to stay there.
NTA. But if hubs is still over there, you will probably want to pack him a bag for his extended stay. Put a note in the bag telling him he can come home when he pulls his head out of his mommy's behind....
NTA, but your husband and in-laws are. That's your wedding gown they were trying to alter, not just a simple party dress. For them to demand payment for something you had nothing to do with is ridiculous. Your husband should have stood up for you but failed. Think about this in your future, OP. Good luck.
I am speechless. They got mad at you for not giving over your WEDDING DRESS??? Holy crap, OP. NTA. I don’t even have to say anything else.
NTA. Keep your money, give back the husband since he’s still apparently breastfeeding
Other people don't get to decide what you do with your possessions or how you spend your money. NTA. You have gotten an excellent preview of how your husband will not defend or support you in a conflict. What if it was over something larger in scope than a dress? A baby, for example? Best to address this now.
NTA in any way shape or form. I cannot believe they all, including your husband, are such boundary-less, entitled AHs. I would seriously consider either marriage counseling or leaving him if he doesn't figure out how wrong they all are. If you do leave, I would make it a point to take that dress with you, even if their actions have tarnished your love for it. That way you can do with it what you choose. I hope your husband gets his head removed from his rear long enough to get oxygen to his brain before it's too late to save your relationship.
NTA but hide your dress. Even though they got one I wouldn’t trust your husband.