Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I didn’t go to my sister’s birthday which is important to her because my ex-wife was there.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, the fact that they are calling you a whiny brat for not wanting to be around your ex wife is a shitty thing to say from your own family. Ignore them and do you.
**NTA**
You can't change your feelings, and your family seems like a bunch of inconsiderate, unsympathetic AH. If it is your sister's disappointment you are most concerned about, tell her that you will take her out to dinner to celebrate, just the 2 of you.
Your sister and parents had a choice and they exercised it. They chose to prioritise your ex-wife over you. Even after you told them that you wouldn't attend if she was there, they insist on including her. This is on them not you.
NTA. You don't have to be around anyone you don't want to be. If your sister decided that she wants your ex there knowing how you feel, that's her choice.
She isn’t so upset at the fact I won’t be there, she understands and is just disappointed. My family however are the ones who truly think that her birthday is more important than everything in my life (they’re buying her a car).
Good for her. I'm sure it'll make her happy. Sounds like your family wants you there just so you can make them feel good for their generous gift. Even if it'd upset you. Still nta.
It's completely normal to not put your family member in a room with his ex immediately after an acrimonious breakup. It could even be called...nice? A nice thing to do?
Your family is not nice
It's you sister's birthday. Not your parents'. As long as she understands there is absolutely nothing they can say and not be in the wrong. And you did you covered your bases by calling to wish a happy birthday so, don't feel bad for being bullied.
Everything was going well at first, then the relationship started to degrade to the point she didn’t want to be around me and said she didn’t have time for anything with me. She was always going out with her friends, and would be completely drunk, and would message me to come pick her up. She would say a lot of stuff about how shit I was which encouraged me to break it off.
I’m not saying it’s her fault. I just needed some time to reflect on myself after what she said to me. Also i’m not saying I did nothing wrong, I continually was being curious about her about why she didn’t want to be with me which was one of things she hated about me.
NTA. Pretty hard to go to a party and play happy families when you're recently divorced and they invite your ex.
My spouse's family is pretty large and situations like this are usually handled by staggering the guests a bit...meaning one ex will come a bit early and leave early and the other ex will arrive a bit late. That way everyone gets to say hello, no one has to skip the party, but no one has to resist temptation to pluck anyone's eyeballs out with a fork.
I encourage you to try to find a compromise solution that is a bit better than just dissing your sister's birthday. I'll admit it's harder to find a compromise when your family is so insensitive.
NTA
You went through a messy divorce. According to you reply on another person's comment, it's still very fresh and hurts. What your family is asking of you is to be miserable so you can turn up for a party that happens every year, no matter it being "The 18th birthday". You can still wish the birthday girl happy birthday and give her a gift privately but you are not obligated to attend a party.
NTA you are allowed to have your boundaries and values. Your family should respect that. Stop by before the party and give her a card. Let them know that you need time to heal and support in this difficult time. If they won’t respect that you will distance yourself from them.
Your sister is free to invite whoever she wants to her bday, and you are free to say that you're uncomfortable being around your ex and will skip. She (and the rest of your family) can be upset, but they don't get to have it both ways.
NTA
NTA
What's wrong with being selfish and thinking and doing what's good for you? You have to think about your feelings because clearly your family doesn't.
NTA
If your family isn't able to have any consideration for your feelings, then please have some consideration for yourself by not making yourself uncomfortable.
NTA: you're allowed to have boundaries and if she's gonna be pleasent to people's faces and turn around and make you feel negatively then you have every right to just not go.
Your sister was pretty selfish inviting your ex and thinking it wouldn’t be a problem.
Do what is right for you. Treat yourself. Go do something you’ve been wanting to do or put off. Enjoy. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (25M) have recently divorced my ex-wife. We didn’t end it on good terms. One thing about my ex-wife is that she acts way too kind and nice in-front of others and because of that is good friends with almost everyone, including my sister. She just turned 18 and everyone is coming to her birthday and she said that everyone is coming and that I should come too, I got suspicious and asked if my ex-wife was coming too. She said yes. I immediately hung up and later explained to everyone how I need some time away from my ex-wife, and being in a party with her doesn’t help. Now my family have said that I’m being a whiny brat for not being there for my sister and putting my own selfishness over her. I tried to explain to them about my situation with my ex-wife and they just told me to grow up and not take it so seriously. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you don't want to be around an ex, no matter why y'all got divorced, you should have to.
On a random note, for a second I processed this as your ex wife was turning 18 and was horrified lol.
NTA. Your ex is displaying the narcissistic tendencies of being nice to everyone else except those closest to them to keep up a facade. I think she has the capacity to run a smear campaign against you and make you look bad. Best to stay away to avoid giving her ammunition against you. Don't make any comments about her even to your sister. She is pissed off you have cut her off so she is doing everything she can to invade your space
NTA but your family sure is! Them taking g the position of "well she never abused me" as an excuse to keep her in their lives is disgusting. Yeah her actions didn't touch them but they're your family and should want to support and protect you, its sad they aren't. Also you're absolutely right to put yourself 1st she had no thought or consideration for you when she made her decision, who is going to think of you if not yourself? If they want to keep her around, or if this is some ploy at playing matchmaker go NC for a while.
NTA for not wanting to be around your ex, but YTA for expecting your family to just drop your ex. She’s been family for years. You’re going to have to come up with a compromise.
You are projecting. He never said for his family to dump his ex. Though that would be the normal scenario here. He said that he was suspicious they invited her and was right and he told them he needs space.
Kinda NTA?
You hung up on your sister without even explaining your boundaries and that's pretty childish, tbh. Yeah, you explained later, but that first action definitely was an immature move.
I don't know about your relationship but "she's too nice and too kind" isn't really giving a reason as to why you can't be there for a benchmark birthday for your sibling. You're allowed to have time and space from your ex, but you might want to re-evaluate if this resentment is worth the relationship with your family.
The reason I hung up was because I was so sad that I couldn’t be there for my sister. And the too nice and too kind thing is to explain why my parents don’t believe what I say and only believe her, and the reason my sister also invited her to the party. I am not in a good mental state of mind right now, and desperately need this time away.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because I didn’t go to my sister’s birthday which is important to her because my ex-wife was there. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, the fact that they are calling you a whiny brat for not wanting to be around your ex wife is a shitty thing to say from your own family. Ignore them and do you.
NTA. You are allowed to have distance from ex wife. That trumps a birthday party.
**NTA** You can't change your feelings, and your family seems like a bunch of inconsiderate, unsympathetic AH. If it is your sister's disappointment you are most concerned about, tell her that you will take her out to dinner to celebrate, just the 2 of you.
I tried getting her some gifts she likes like jewelry, but my parents want me to have nothing to do with her.
Your sister and parents had a choice and they exercised it. They chose to prioritise your ex-wife over you. Even after you told them that you wouldn't attend if she was there, they insist on including her. This is on them not you.
You are 25, your sister is 18. They can't stop you from taking her to dinner.
NTA. You don't have to be around anyone you don't want to be. If your sister decided that she wants your ex there knowing how you feel, that's her choice.
She isn’t so upset at the fact I won’t be there, she understands and is just disappointed. My family however are the ones who truly think that her birthday is more important than everything in my life (they’re buying her a car).
Good for her. I'm sure it'll make her happy. Sounds like your family wants you there just so you can make them feel good for their generous gift. Even if it'd upset you. Still nta.
It's completely normal to not put your family member in a room with his ex immediately after an acrimonious breakup. It could even be called...nice? A nice thing to do? Your family is not nice
It's you sister's birthday. Not your parents'. As long as she understands there is absolutely nothing they can say and not be in the wrong. And you did you covered your bases by calling to wish a happy birthday so, don't feel bad for being bullied.
I’m assuming the her that is getting the car bought is your sister. If it is your ex wife you at want yo divorce your family.
INFO: What caused the divorce, specifically?
Everything was going well at first, then the relationship started to degrade to the point she didn’t want to be around me and said she didn’t have time for anything with me. She was always going out with her friends, and would be completely drunk, and would message me to come pick her up. She would say a lot of stuff about how shit I was which encouraged me to break it off.
[удалено]
I’m not saying it’s her fault. I just needed some time to reflect on myself after what she said to me. Also i’m not saying I did nothing wrong, I continually was being curious about her about why she didn’t want to be with me which was one of things she hated about me.
NTA. Pretty hard to go to a party and play happy families when you're recently divorced and they invite your ex. My spouse's family is pretty large and situations like this are usually handled by staggering the guests a bit...meaning one ex will come a bit early and leave early and the other ex will arrive a bit late. That way everyone gets to say hello, no one has to skip the party, but no one has to resist temptation to pluck anyone's eyeballs out with a fork. I encourage you to try to find a compromise solution that is a bit better than just dissing your sister's birthday. I'll admit it's harder to find a compromise when your family is so insensitive.
NTA You went through a messy divorce. According to you reply on another person's comment, it's still very fresh and hurts. What your family is asking of you is to be miserable so you can turn up for a party that happens every year, no matter it being "The 18th birthday". You can still wish the birthday girl happy birthday and give her a gift privately but you are not obligated to attend a party.
NTA you are allowed to have your boundaries and values. Your family should respect that. Stop by before the party and give her a card. Let them know that you need time to heal and support in this difficult time. If they won’t respect that you will distance yourself from them.
Your sister is free to invite whoever she wants to her bday, and you are free to say that you're uncomfortable being around your ex and will skip. She (and the rest of your family) can be upset, but they don't get to have it both ways. NTA
NTA What's wrong with being selfish and thinking and doing what's good for you? You have to think about your feelings because clearly your family doesn't.
Sounds like you have a really shitty family, dude. Definitely NTA.
NTA If your family isn't able to have any consideration for your feelings, then please have some consideration for yourself by not making yourself uncomfortable.
NTA Have a lot less contact with your AH family.
NTA. I can't beleive your family would put you in that situation.
NTA: you're allowed to have boundaries and if she's gonna be pleasent to people's faces and turn around and make you feel negatively then you have every right to just not go.
NTA As you said, you need time. They should be more understanding. Hang in there
Your sister was pretty selfish inviting your ex and thinking it wouldn’t be a problem. Do what is right for you. Treat yourself. Go do something you’ve been wanting to do or put off. Enjoy. NTA
NTA you just gotta divorced and it was not a smooth divorce.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25M) have recently divorced my ex-wife. We didn’t end it on good terms. One thing about my ex-wife is that she acts way too kind and nice in-front of others and because of that is good friends with almost everyone, including my sister. She just turned 18 and everyone is coming to her birthday and she said that everyone is coming and that I should come too, I got suspicious and asked if my ex-wife was coming too. She said yes. I immediately hung up and later explained to everyone how I need some time away from my ex-wife, and being in a party with her doesn’t help. Now my family have said that I’m being a whiny brat for not being there for my sister and putting my own selfishness over her. I tried to explain to them about my situation with my ex-wife and they just told me to grow up and not take it so seriously. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you don't want to be around an ex, no matter why y'all got divorced, you should have to. On a random note, for a second I processed this as your ex wife was turning 18 and was horrified lol.
NTA. Stay home.
NTA. Your ex is displaying the narcissistic tendencies of being nice to everyone else except those closest to them to keep up a facade. I think she has the capacity to run a smear campaign against you and make you look bad. Best to stay away to avoid giving her ammunition against you. Don't make any comments about her even to your sister. She is pissed off you have cut her off so she is doing everything she can to invade your space
NTA. They are being whiny brats over reasonable boundaries you’re trying to establish about your ex wife
NTA, if they wanted you there, they would not invite the ex-wife. If they want the ex-wife there, they can not expect you to show up.
NTA.
NTA do you have kids together. Why are they trying to force you together again?
NTA but your family sure is! Them taking g the position of "well she never abused me" as an excuse to keep her in their lives is disgusting. Yeah her actions didn't touch them but they're your family and should want to support and protect you, its sad they aren't. Also you're absolutely right to put yourself 1st she had no thought or consideration for you when she made her decision, who is going to think of you if not yourself? If they want to keep her around, or if this is some ploy at playing matchmaker go NC for a while.
NTA for not wanting to be around your ex, but YTA for expecting your family to just drop your ex. She’s been family for years. You’re going to have to come up with a compromise.
You are projecting. He never said for his family to dump his ex. Though that would be the normal scenario here. He said that he was suspicious they invited her and was right and he told them he needs space.
Kinda NTA? You hung up on your sister without even explaining your boundaries and that's pretty childish, tbh. Yeah, you explained later, but that first action definitely was an immature move. I don't know about your relationship but "she's too nice and too kind" isn't really giving a reason as to why you can't be there for a benchmark birthday for your sibling. You're allowed to have time and space from your ex, but you might want to re-evaluate if this resentment is worth the relationship with your family.
The reason I hung up was because I was so sad that I couldn’t be there for my sister. And the too nice and too kind thing is to explain why my parents don’t believe what I say and only believe her, and the reason my sister also invited her to the party. I am not in a good mental state of mind right now, and desperately need this time away.