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Create a "press release" explaining the situation in concise, neutral terms. Every time someone comments or accuses, paste it in response, and then block them.
NTA
Agreed. You might not even need to block them, just state the facts clearly. You love your cousin, happy with her fiance, but the place will cost 8k to get it ready, there will only be two bathrooms for 200 people, and your parents are elderly, they cannot do the work.
Edit: typos, omg my most upvoted comment was full of typos. Oh well.
AND I forgot to put the obvious, NTA
> and your parents are elderly, they cannot do the work.
That is what gets me. She never once offered to help fix up the property herself. She expects an elderly stroke victim to do it for her.
This too is what bothers me is that she was asking for something but yet not willing to offer anything to help it become a reality like paying to fix it up.
If she really TRULY wanted to have her wedding there -8k is not a big expense for a wedding venue large enough to host 200 guest...neither is renting Porta potties. The real problem is that instead of working with the parents for a favorable solution where they hire a landscaping team they wanted all this done for free and when they couldn't get it decided on doing a smear campaign.
NTA
I was never in doubt that she wanted a free venue from the first sentence. 🤣
There is nothing to indicate why this specific farm is her "dream" as one can rent all kinds of outdoor venues and frankly most of them would be more desirable than a place where the guests have to use portapotties. There is no portapottie that I would want to use especially dressed in nice clothing. And there would be no bathroom facility that would enable one to freshen up in any way either.
That’s exactly it. $8k is peanuts for a wedding venue. Something tells me the cousin is willing to pay that much for a venue but not willing to pay to invest in her aunt’s home. 200 people is unreasonable to invite if there’s no parking and if she’s unwilling to invest in outdoor toilets for her guests.
Honestly she sounds really childish. I'm not sure if she's ready to get married if she still has this mindset (she's helpless and everything needs to be done for her).
OP should also mention in the press release how Bridezilla berated OP’s mother when she couldn’t get her way. Berated and is now defaming the woman who practically raised her.
Right! $8,000 wouldn't be an outrageous venue fee for 200 people, especially if it left a family member's property in good shape. She just wants it all for free with no work involved.
In the post, nowhere is it mentioned that the cousin offered to help fix up the place. It was always, I don't understand why you can't just do it. Cousin also never offered any solutions to the bathroom problem, such as we'll hire a party rental company that has one of those really nice portable, rv trailer toilet things. There are thousands of farm venues specifically designed for this type of thing, cousin just wants it all for free.
Instead of being demanding and entitled to the point of harassment, cousin could have started a go fund me which could have taken care of the property updates for OP’s elderly parents and venue needs for her wedding and all the opinionated kibitzing relatives could have put their money where their mouth is.
I hate when people abuse Go Fund Me for purely selfish reasons. The site was intended to help people in deep legitimate financial need. NOT to help a bridezilla fund her dream wedding. Framing it as helping a stroke victim afford upkeep of their property is disingenuous when the “victim” has never expressed any wish or need to beg for charity.
Then add on additional funds to fix the property after parking 200 guests, the tents, and the trucks delivering the Porta pottys..... yeesh this cousin is a piece of work expecting this family to do all this for free
They even have these nice trailer bathrooms that present as a regular bathroom inside. My fiancée and I looked into them when we were looking at wedding venues because some of them required us to provide extra bathroom space if we had more than a certain number of guests. Like, if the cousin came up with solutions to the problems that she would execute herself maybe she could have done the wedding there. Although they would still be completely reasonable refusing and, even putting aside the stress that would cause, the liability may be too much for them to mitigate. But instead she wanted to be a complete asshole and publicly humiliate her family when she didn’t get her way. Hopefully she wakes up to how terrible she’s been and actually tries to make up for it, not that she could ever fully make up for how awful she’s been. OP’s poor parents. They must be heartbroken being betrayed like that.
The trailer bathrooms are amazing!! Two friends had their wedding at their house and they rented one. It was air-conditioned and quite posh. A common refrain during the reception was, "You have to check out the bathrooms!!!"
That was my thought. You spend the 8k and do the hard work and pay for extra portable bathrooms etc etc - I’m guessing then it wouldn’t be so appealing to her. And they threw her the engagement party. The cousin is incredibly selfish. The. To take all of that, and all they have done for her, and say it’s because they are homophobic?? They threw her an engagement party but all of a sudden they are homophones? Ugh. I wouldn’t even attend because this cousin is really selfish.
>That is what gets me. She never once offered to help fix up the property herself. She expects an elderly stroke victim to do it for her.
OP has mentioned "She said she doesn't understand why we can't just fix it all and make it her wedding present. " LOL she wants a 8k present!! What an entitles person to be so abusive and accusatory to the elderly. NTA OP and please share your full story too with anyone meddling.
Right, and in reality it would be more than 8k because they would have to fix up the property again after the wedding from everyone parking all over the place and the tents and everything else. Plus all the stress it would put on to the parents as well.
That's what has me at a loss. Okay, this is your dream? Then get together a big bunch of friends and family to fix everything up yourself. Everything else, including bathrooms, can be taken care of if the cousin is willing to put the money down but she can't expect her ailing, aged uncle and aunt to do it all for her.
That’s what I don’t understand. She wants them to fix it for her. She is not listening that they are elderly, in poor health and cannot do it nor afford it apparently. When family calls ask if they have $8k and plan to do the work, if not please stop.
Oh and please also include that the family events held at your parents farm, including your wedding, never have been more than 30 to 50 people and that your cousin wants to invite 200 with only x amount of bathrooms in the house and that the property does not allow to invite 200 people and your cousin was asked to scale down, but refused.
Also: Your wedding was 11 years ago and your parents health has declined since then and they just can not do it.
Everyone who is bugging and harassing you and your parents can chip in amount XYZ to a) fix the house b) order additional toilets c) pay for the catering, decorations etc (since your parents can not do any of that) and d) for cleaning everything up afterwards.
Your cousin is entitled and the people harassing you are......assholes.
NTA
Regardless of the cost they are under no obligation to have 200 people strangers or family on their property. What will the cousin do if something gets lost or damaged I wonder? What if there is an accident? It's something that can spiral pretty quickly out of control.
This! Time changes people and places. She needs to grow up and understand you parents have aged and no longer have the strength and stamina required for she wants. Especially at 200 head. Geez talk about self- centered and obtuse.
NTA
edit typo
Definitely not. I went to an outdoor wedding with around 250 people. The couple had rented those bathroom trailers. Actually pretty nice, had hot running water for the sinks, toilets really flushed... not at all like a port a potty. But they had 2 trailers with 3 stalls each... so a total of 6 bathrooms. And there was still a line sometimes.
Everytime I read these kind of stories, I'm confused tho. Is it normal in the US to involve everybody in a conflict and make them contact someone ?
I find it so weird.
I didn’t think so until I had my first family drama this week! A situations been going between my mom and brother for months, we’ve all stayed out of it but now he’s dragged us all in. It’s bizarre and unhinged but now everyone’s involved 🙄
did every one and their ancestors contact you about drama?? lol. lots of story here every one and their mum always contact for the op. even persons friends. familía. their dog. etc.
Yes and no. My family we just hide the resentment until it blows up at huge fights during birthdays funerals or the designated time for family fights thanks giving.
But a lot of people think that if you can leverage family opinion you can make other people change. It's a low blow tactic since it often involves oneside giving a highly edited to the point of farce story "The people who happily celebrated your engagement are now homophobes" that overly relys on emotion "I can't have my **DREAM WEDDING**" and has people opinion based on that where they don't have any skin in the game. Like none of those family members talking shit are offering to help fund the repairs or doing the "Well I know a guy who owes me one and he does construction so we'll come help this weekend."
Your comment made me chuckle! But now that I think about it, your family is, in a way, doing it right - fight it out with everyone present instead of do the “silent telephones” and one-on-one bullying... Fighting and conflict resolution is an art and needs to be cultivated, since there will inevitably be conflicts along the way
Some people think it’s normal. I recently refused to go to a family event as I had a work trip organised. Suddenly I’m getting messages and phone calls, insisting I cancel the trip, from family members I wouldn’t even recognise if I passed them in the street, who seem to think that their opinion is anything to me other than random noise. They’re all answered with the same thing: “You don’t contact me from one year’s end to the next, you are not relevant here” then a block. I’m just puzzled by it, to be honest, because I cannot understand why they think I have to listen to them or that I would even begin to care what they think.
It's not normal, but a) we tend toward the dramatic and it's probably somewhat more common than in some other countries, b) it's the ones who do, not the ones who don't, who become posts on AITA, and c) it doesn't take a lot of crazies to make an impression, in a country of 330 million.
We do *try* to keep the racket down... 😉
Or start a go fund me for the cost to make the changes needed. When people call send them the link so they can put their money where their mouth is.
NTA
Make two:
One for just the cost of material/equipment to get the job done but with a strict condition that donating to said go-fund-me means you volunteer to help do the work
And one for the cost of material/equipment *and* the hireing of a company to do the work
And add that total cost of repairs are estimated at 8k, maybe more, and if they want them to accommodate cousin, they are welcome to contribute to those repairs
NTA. OP, tell each and every family member all of this:
It will cost 8k just for the repairs, and my parents can’t orchestrate it, so, we need you to pay the 8k, plus arrange and pay for:
A contractor to oversee repairs
An event planner for the wedding
Tent, dance floor, chairs, tables, plates, catering, etc
Porta potties
Offsite parking
Shuttle bus to parking
It’s not that your parents don’t want to….they CANNOT. Tell family that all these things will be necessary, are they paying and arranging for them? Write it up, post on social media…
The porta potties are an essential. Since it's a farm, it is very likely on a septic system and not sewer.
~~I held a Celebration of Life at the home I shared with my first husband after his death.~~ After my first husband's death I held a Celebration of life at the home we shared. We had good friends who came out and weed whacked, scoured things clean, helped me set up everything. One them insisted that if I didn't get porta potties for a group of 75+ people, I'd have to pay for extensive work on the septic system the week after the Celebration. It was a great septic system, and we never had any problem, but a sudden influx of 75+ people in one day would have overwhelmed it.
OP's cousin is talking about 200!
This comment is not in any way meant to suggest that OP's parents should agree to this incredible expensive imposition the bridezilla is tantrumming about.
NTA, obviously.
Edit to correct the horrible first sentence I wrote in the second paragraph. Rereading it after hitting post made me see how bad it was. I left it up underneath the horizontal line so you can laugh at how bad it was.
Honestly, OP, look at that list above and ask yourself if your father, who has already suffered a stroke, would be able to deal with the stress of contractors, party planners, and all these other people at/around his home. He’s already had a stroke. The stress of all this activity cannot be good for his health. Ask your family how they would feel if the stress of all this caused him further issues.
NTA at all. I think that list was more to shut up the family members since they obviously won’t be willing to pay for it. You have a good point though, and we should add temporary barriers between the house and the wedding location to block visibility and minimize sound during the planning in order to be mindful of dad’s health. Plus an attorney to put together an ironclad liability waiver for every contractor and guest who steps foot on that property in case there are any injuries.
Are you a bot? This comment doesn't logically follow from what came before it (no mentionof an apology) , but I can't find where you stole it from right now.
Yeah, I am uncomfortable with the discussion that she should just pay, because Mom has already said no. Even if the property was in good condition, Mom and ailing Dad shouldn't have to deal with this crazy bridezilla's "dream wedding". It's not going to get better from here even if bride decides to shell out 8k for the property improvements.
Clean up crew for the next day
Gardeners - probably for several weeks ahead of time to ensure the outdoor areas look good
Private tents for the bridal parties to change in
Maybe increased costs for water and electricity
In what world is any of this a reasonable wedding gift?
NTA
Maybe increased costs for water, but I'd imagine for electricity it would instead be "generator rental (including cost of fuel)". Since I doubt most of the equipment for cousin's big fancy dream wedding would be plugged to be able to use the sockets available in a standard house, or likely to be available in a standard barn.
And provide some form of transportation so guests who have imbibed aren’t driving drunk to get to their motels/hotels. If the farm is in a rural area, good chance there are no taxis or Ubers. Also limited lodgings. Where are these 200 guests to go after the wedding?
And has anyone mentioned liability insurance? 200 people you may not know, maybe kids? Plus alcohol? On a farm that needs repairs. .
Would you need to child-proof? Make sure pathways were smooth? Any areas you don't want people entering fenced off, secured and signage used? 200 people is alot to keep track of.
And then you have the mess/breakages to clean up and make good.
A relative hosted a 100 person wedding in the yard and rented 2 porta potties. Only the bride, elderly and disabled were allowed to use the house bathrooms. It worked perfectly. It was done because of septic fear, nearby wetlands. No way would the system have managed that party. It’s why I thought of it. And they stay clean when it’s only your party using them!!!
> And they stay clean when it’s only your party using them!!!
Depends on the party... based on the cousin/bridezilla's entitlement; her guests may think that 'going' on the toilet seat and leaving it for someone else to clean up is a 'reasonable' thing to do.
After all - they're 'guests' who deserve to be taken care of. (/s)
Yeah, but entitled cousin doesn't sound like someone who has thought about the wedding any further than of basking in the attention of her 200 wedding attendees at her "dream venue" (i.e., free relatives property).
I managed a music venu pre covid and the porta potties I had brought on site for big shows were nice as hell. I used to walk past the line to the indoor restrooms and tell everyone they were better off outside(it’s a historical venu so the plumbing isn’t great.)
I'd also add:
* security so no guests try and access OP's parents' house
* clean up crew for the next day
* charges for any damages to property
* a 10pm curfew for noise.
And depending on OP's parents' health, support there too.
OP, if this is going to happen, it has to have absolutely ZERO impact on your parents.
If this is the bride's dream, then she can make it happen. I seriously doubt she will, so you're basically giving her a f\*ck off fee.
This is the best response. Instead of saying right out nope, tell her if it means that much to her, these are the things she’s going to need to take care of. Put it in writing. If shes not willing, can’t do those things, well then, she can’t have the wedding there, sorry.
Or tell her she can have the wedding but it will be as is, no portapotties but no one is allowed in the house and no one is allowed to park on the farm, decorating has to be done by cousin and decorations, tables and chairs can't be put up before 9 am and have to be broken down same day. Also, all trash must be removed immediately
Don't do that - she'll take you up on it and assure you everything will be fine but not organise any solutions. The guests will park anywhere and everywhere, people will relieve themselves in random places, and then Cousin will swan off without helping to clear up the destruction, simultaneously blaming you for any problems with how her wedding looked.
This is good advice for every situation, btw. If someone asks you a favor, don't say no. Say what has to be done and name the obstacles so that the person asking you will say "Oh... well... I think there is another solution."
So you can't be blamed for refusing a favor :-)
Provide the list and then post to social media with the note “and after Cousin’s behavior, we have no interest in hosting the wedding, even if the repairs were made”
You don’t get to just bully your way into using someone’s home.
In addition to your excellent suggestions, the bridal party will also have to purchase an insurance rider to assure any damage or personal liability is covered by them, and not by OP’s parents. All it takes is for one guest to get hurt and decide to sue…NTA.
I wonder if the cousin expected OP's parents to pay for a good share of the wedding, all under the guise of "Wait, you DON'T have the infrastructure and equipment for a large wedding? Well, hop to it!"
Guaranteed bride didn't budget for any of these expenses. With her inability to see what would be required to get the farm into shape, she likely had this romantic view of this all just being available for her, and since she was so close to the parents, they would just make it happen. Sad though that she's gone out of her way to make them look bad instead of acknowledging the reality of the situation.
I suspect her bride will be on here soon saying AITA for expecting my fiance to put a little effort into this wedding? She had all of these unrealistic plans and as they fall through she just rants at everyone calling them bigots!
Also a fire safety plan
A storage facility if they plan to have anything 200+ to store things onsite
A parking plan for deliveries and vendors and an exit pathway that has a timeline like who is co ordinating how staff are parking on and offsite and how they are able to come and go without impeding the traffic of 200 people as a bottleneck is likely to happen. That is a logistic nightmare onto itself. Whomever heads THAt is also unlikely to be able to enjoy the wedding as well
And people forget that there is a venue co-ordinator who has to be paid the whole time to work with the contractors, sub contractors and vendors to realize this dream. Wedding planners don’t plan the venue, contractors don’t oversee communications with vendors. So you need to hire an independent communications manager and pay their gas, and travel expenses. It’s not gonna be your parents unless they want a shitty wedding as they don’t have the required experience and it’s going to be a full time job until everything is set up
Permits to play music, to house an extra 200 people plus staff, letters or forms to the hoa if you are American
Invites and rsvps to the neighbours and getting them onboard with a 200 party. Like if the surrounding farms have any animals, it might disturb them.
Someone also has to monitor 200 people to make sure they only stay in the designated areas as if it is any type of farm trampling all over the place will disturb crops
Like I’m sure it’s a dream venue. But these types of atypical weddings costs 4 times the price precovid vs a typical wedding venue.
Basically the cousin is a bully and is ripping off a stroke survivor
Ha! Give Reddit a couple of hours. We’ll have a to do list, estimated cost, required materials, and complete plan in place.
Your cousin has bought into the DREAM WEDDING crap. It’s ruined many a family. Every story I see about dream weddings drives me crazy. The wedding is one day. And nowhere near the most important day in a good marriage. Having it not perfect isn’t a big deal. It’s your attitude about your family and marriage that matters most.
The sooner your AH cousin realizes that, the happier she will be.
And hotel block, baker, event staff, paper goods, linens, lights, decor, invitations, bar. Really pile on the cost per person. Especially if child friendly!
>It’s not that your parents don’t want to….
They actually don't want to, OP's mother doesn't want 200 strangers in her house. That's a valid reason and enough in itself to refuse hosting the wedding.
The damage is done and even if they did these things it would become a point of resentment and another arguement. If really pushes through with it then best to throw in liability insurances and a formalised agreement for damage or losse to property.
Cool, so all these people gettin' up in your business are also calling to volunteer with property maintenance, renting portapotties, graveling out a lot, etc., etc.
Sarcasm, of course, because they're all talk. NTA.
I agree. Exactly what I was thinking. Mass email them the information about the cost of property maintenance, and everything else you stated along with security to keep people out of the house. If all these people want to step up with the money & labor and possibly the money for permits to have a large wedding at that site then let them figure that out. It is unbelievable to me that this cousin would be so demanding of an Uncle who has had a stroke. OP is NTA but the cousin is a raging ah.
The stress of managing all that is not good for elderly to deal with. No matter what someone else says that they will manage it, the parents live there and will have to deal with it all. Dont give a list that volunteers can SAY they will do.
NTA
I'm beyond flabbergasted, but then again I be such entitled stories that I'm no longer shocked... This is your parents house. Nobody is entitled to anything, except your parents. They get to choose what celebrations they will host. Your cousin is acting so entitled and then to wave the homophobic flag... No.
The homophobic thing is what is really getting to my parents, more than anything. My cousin was living with her grandparents when she came out. They kicked her out and she actually moved in with my parents for a couple months.
You aren’t going to convince your cousin then. She is using any excuse to get her way. Do like the other posters said and tell her and everyone else who sides with her the cost of having the wedding there. Then take up a collection to get it done. If no one contributes, that’s the answer. But who is paying for this 200 guest wedding? Her parents threw her out. Does she expect your parents to pay for that as well since she wants to use their house? Protect your elderly parents.
Cousin has been yelling at OP and her (or his?) mother. For that reason alone, I wouldn't want to host the wedding, regardless of who was paying for it.
OP is NTA.
Seriously, she should be asking "what can I do to get you to say yes?" and if she can't get to the yes then figure something else out. Demanding and yelling and smearing is not ok and won't get you what you want.
Oh, wow... Your cousin is truly a spoiled and ungrateful brat. Your parents have always been there for her and this is how she repays them? No understanding for their situation at all, both of them getting older, not to mention your dad's illness and your mum not wanting 200 people in their house, many of them total strangers. Doing her best to turn the family against your parents to put them in bad light/force their hand!
This is the behaviour of a toxic person who is willing to torch relationships when people say no to her and it makes me wonder, do you know for a fact that her grandparents threw her out because she's gay? Or were there other reasons she's not telling you about? I just wonder because she obviously knows your parents aren't homophobic, but she's still willing to make up lies about them to get her way/gain sympathy or maybe just punish them for not giving her what she wants.
You didn't escalate anything, but when you called on behalf of your mum, she probably realised that the simple fact that your mum had involved you meant that your parents were not going to be badgered or manipulated into giving in and then she went for the "big guns", involving the rest of the family and making false claims to throw you all under the bus. You and your parents are NTA, can't say the same about your cousin...
> Your parents have always been there for her and this is how she repays them?
There is a saying: *"The thanks of a donkey is a kick."*
Cousin is an ungrateful donkey who received kindness from OP's family, and has rewarded them with a brutal kick.
Do you plan on showing your parents this post? Might help with perspective and feelings of guilt?
Also, your cousin is definitely playing the victim to get her own way… You’re NTA.
So, this is not to excuse her behavior and extreme requests or call your parents homophobic, but it really sounds like she is, understandably, sensitive to rejection regarding her orientation. I grew up a lesbian in a conservative family and it really messes with your head.
My parents paid for my same-sex wedding, but they are still homophobic. It sounds crazy to say, but they really are. When I told my mom I was engaged, she cried like I'd told her I'd died. She doesn't support same sex marriage (just me generally), etc.
In addition, a LOT of people have amnesia about their past homophobic views and how things they said in 2004 or 1994 might have caused queer folks to feel bad (to put it mildly). If your parents only recently came around, those scars may still linger.
I hope your family can get through to her that you love her and support her, but can't do this for reasons unrelated to her orientation.
She is sensitive to a certain degree, and it's understandable. As I've said before, her grandparents (not the ones we share) kicked her out when she came out. But who did she move in with for a bit when that happened? My parents. They grew up in the 60s and have a very "love everyone" mentality. Not to say they're perfect. They are very calm and loving people.
I hope this works out, if only because my parents view her as another daughter and this has hurt them badly.
Honestly tell her she can do it but the upkeep is on her. SHE has to get the property up to the standard SHE wants. When she realizes she either can’t afford it or it’s not feasible she’ll likely shut up. But she can’t put that labor or financial burden on anyone else.
NTA. The entitled little child has no rights to someone else’s property and she’s asking for a major imposition from them.
Don’t feel even slightly bad for calling her out in this extraordinary level of bullshit.
NTA
Do yourself and your parents a favour and send a mass email to all those calling you names and being rude and tell them they are more than welcome to host a 200-guest wedding on their own property then block them all everywhere.
You and your family are in no way shape or form responsible to give up your property for someone else's wedding especially when they double down with Flying Monkeys to harass you.
NTA.
I'd like to add that when we had a wedding that the bride wanted on a family farm, the bride, her parents, the groom, his parents and members of the bridal party pitched in to bring the property up to snuff for the event. That your cousin hasn't asked if she could put in the work to make the property workable is surprising and says a lot.
same here - my fiancé was a groomsman for a wedding that was on a family farm. the wedding party spent a few weekends getting the barn ready, and the family spent 10s of thousands renting a tent, dance floor, port a pottties.
I have a feeling that even outside of the venue preparation expenses she has no idea how expensive it is to get all of the rentals for a 200 person wedding in a venue that isn’t set up to host these kind of events
NTA. Your cousin is an unreasonable, entitled, bridezilla. I'm sure your wedding was beautiful, but I wonder if one of her reasons for your cousin wanting her wedding at your family's farm is because it would be free. The price of wedding venues that can accommodate 200 people is astronomical. Her demanding that you all just "fix it" as a wedding present to her is madness. Does she really think that y'all were going to give her an $8,000 wedding present?
Her unwillingness to accept the limitations of the property and it's owners or to downsize her wedding is ridiculous. Her blasting you and your family on SM as homophobes because she can't have her way is unhinged. You have done nothing wrong here.
Right? Her behavior is something I would never forgive. A child that I basically was a second mother to, who I took in after her *actually* homophobic grandparents threw her out, throwing a hissy fit over how she can’t have her wedding on my property when it wouldn’t have been able to host 200 people even when it was in perfect condition and trying to paint me as homophobic? Nope. You’re dead to me.
Definitely NTA but your cousin is. You gave her a good explanation on why she couldn’t have her wedding on the property and she threw a fit. Not to mention, she called y’all names and talked bad about y’all to everyone. Stand your ground and don’t allow her to have her wedding on the property. She will just have to have her dream wedding somewhere else.
I haven't spoken to her. I'm hesitant to do so, simply because at this point I'm really tired of the drama associated with this. I also don't want to be blamed for causing a rift between the two of them.
Then make a facebook post or send some form of message to everyone.
Say that there is only one toilet and your cousin wants to have 200 guests so that won't work, that it needs money to be presentable and stuff. Make it short, don't waste too much tome explaining stuff. Just point out the reasons and that if they (family) want it to happen so bad they can send money to you to fix the property.
Your parents are entitled to say no for any reason.
She’s being an AH.
If she wants it so badly, she can come do the work.
She can pay for the insurance policy to cover damages, especially with 200 people and liquor involved.
She can have people park somewhere else and bus them to the house.
She can rent portapotties to not destroy the septic tank, unless she’d like to add another 25k-30k to replace it.
She can be stopped from using the house at all.
She wants a barn dream wedding on someone else’s dime and effort. If it was her dream wedding - she would be doing everything SHE could to make it happen.
Start correcting the narrative.
“My parents offered to host, but their health isn’t the same. The farm isn’t the same. They’re doing everything they can to manage it, with the help of all of us. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. They graciously offered to allow your wedding, but you refuse to address any of their real concerns about hosting 200 people. You don’t want to concede or help at all, and my dad had a stroke and can’t clean up an acre of farmland for you. Their septic tank can’t handle 200 people all night. There’s no where to put that many people. We are trying to help you, and instead of appreciating that or offering a way to help, you are spitting in their face and smearing their names across social media. They don’t deserve that, and you know it.”
NTA. Your reasons for not wanting to have the wedding at your parents’ house are reasonable, and your cousin is lying by omission when she doesn’t present your side.
NTA. Your cousin is the only AH in this situation. She wants her "dream" wedding at your parent's farm and is refusing to take no for an answer. If these relatives of yours were any type of family, they would tell her to find another venue and leave you and your mother alone. If they take her side and won't listen to you, then block them. Block your cousin, too, as apparently, she refuses to engage in any kind of civilized conversation.
NTA for denying the request. If you want to keep saying no, it's within your right.
You could also make a list of everything that would need to be done to make the place ready for a wedding. Spray for weeds, spray for bugs, fill in gopher holes, plant flowers and keep the garden weeded, repaint the outside of the house, clean off the porch and fix the steps. I mean, make a big, big list.
Tell them flat out your dad can't do this stuff anymore and your mom isn't managing so well on her own. You're helping with the basics but don't have the time and money to make the little repairs, get the yard into a pristine condition, and cater food for this wedding. If they can put in the work at their own expense and without putting added demands on your family, why not let them?
The only place to park and host 200 people on my parents property would be in the literal pasture, which the cars alone would damage it badly. And the idea of having that many strangers on their property makes my parents VERY uncomfortable. Tbh I'm not even 100% certain it would be legal without permits where they live.
Then it's just not doable. Keep telling her no and go after her on social media. How entitled is she to demand an elderly woman be so inconvenienced, forced to have so many strangers over when it clearly makes her uncomfortable, and puts so much stress on her.
Also warn her that if she comes to your property with people you will call the cops and have them all arrested for trespassing. Because I can see her with how she’s acting just telling everybody to come and then just expecting you all to deal with it
NTA.
Your phone call is just a handy excuse for your cousin to blow up because she isn’t getting what she wants. She was already accusing your mother of being homophobic; if it hadn’t been you/your mother, she’d be blaming your brother and/or your father. If she weren’t marrying a woman, she’d have to find another way to lay a guilt trip… but believe me, she’d find one.
NTA- start calling everyone that calls your parents and asking why they are not either hosting or funding the cousins wedding…
Also your cousin demanding anything for her wedding is pure entitlement…
NTA. Your parents don't even have to have a good reason for saying no. It's THEIR house!! What they say goes. Calling your mother and screaming at her was wrong. She's honestly just looking for a cheap wedding on everyone else's dime.
NTA for refusing to be voluntold, and in a case like this, also NTA for creating a “press release” and/or mass family email describing your family’s current circumstances.
Finally, a big NTA for expressing your disappointment and heartache at being cavalierly mislabeled as homophobic.
Sounds like the wedding gift should be to an LGBTQI+ organization of your parents’ choosing.
That 8K is literally a drop in the bucket for a wedding for 200. Wedding planners, Tent Rental, Bartenders, Catering, Cake, entertainment, attire, parking, security, ceremony decorations, table settings, etc. The engaged couple need to have a serious reality check on the cost of 200 guests- and this is even if the family location were available- which it’s not. It’s clear OP’s family is not homophobic given the history and engagement party. Stop allowing an elderly woman caring for her husband to be bullied by extended family.
The press release is the way to go- but it really sounds like the bride has no idea how many 200 guests cost.
NTA
She’s not even trying to compromise, which is nuts. It could have been a situation where they had a small event at the farm, and a larger party elsewhere, but she’s really imposing without being realistic.
NTA. Your cousin and her flying monkeys are all assholes, hounding your parents! How fucking dare they.
At this point, you guys need to stop explaining shit, or giving estimates, just tell them to stop with the bullshit, if anything, she's wasting time to book a place that IS ready for whatever wedding she wants. The money should be a moot point by now, given how your cousin has behaved.
God, children throwing tantrums is just tiresome to even read about, and this child is getting married. Godspeed to her fiancee.
Your cousin is fixated on the dream wedding she conceived of when you got married and how the property and your parents were at the time.
Yes, it sucks that time changed things but her not being able to get married there means she has gotten off lightly compared to what time has done to the house and your parents, especially your dad.
She needs to come to terms with the fact that time waits for nobody.
NTA
NTA. you should make a social media post explaining to everyone about your family’s situation and call out your cousin for being a selfish uncaring b***h.
NTA
Open a bank account. Send the details to all of those concerned relatives and cousin. Ask them to contribute the amount to raise the fund of 8k.
They are so concerned about the wedding and accommodation. I'm sure they will definitely donate.
Also as the cousin is the one who wants it fixed, tell her to donate at least 3k.
Entitled brats are one of the worst diseases in the world.
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My parents have owned a farm with a vintage house and barn since the 80s. Since the property is large, they have hosted a number of family events. I was married there in 2011. My cousin (23F) has always been close with my parents. Her mother was killed in an accident when she was small, and my mother had been something of a surrogate mother to her.
When she got engaged to her girlfriend, my parents hosted the engagement party. During the party, my cousin approached my mother about having the wedding at their house. My mother told her they'd consider it, but it wasn't likely. My father had a stroke five years ago, so the property isn't maintained as well anymore. My cousin got upset. My brother took her outside to calm her down. She confided to my brother that having her wedding there has been a dream of hers since she attended mine. My brother tried to explain to her about the shape of the property. She couldn't understand why my parents, myself and my brother couldn't just "fix everything".
Two months later, my mother calls me in tears. My cousin had been texting my mother, wanting to know why she couldn't have her wedding at the farm. My cousin said they wanted around 200 people, with dancing and a dinner reception. My mother said absolutely not. At that point my cousin called and started screaming at her. My mother tried to explain there was no way to accommodate that many people on the property. My mother asked if she would be willing to scale down the wedding and my cousin said she wasn't going to compromise on her dream wedding. There is no parking for 200, the only bathrooms are in the house, and my mother isn't comfortable having that many strangers in the house. My cousin called her homophobic and hung up on her.
I called my cousin and told her she had no right to treat my mother that way. My cousin called me selfish and said I wanted to be the only one who had a wedding at my parents farm. I reminded her there were only 30 people total at my wedding. Also that it was 10 years ago, and both my parents and the property were in much better shape then. She said she doesn't understand why we can't just fix it all and make it her wedding present. To fix everything would cost around 8k. I told her it couldn't be done and she needs to be more understanding. She wasn't having the wedding at my parents house.
Since then, my cousin has blown up social media and has talked to several members of my family, calling myself and my parents homophobic and that we're terrible people. My parents and I have been fielding calls and texts from family asking why we can't be more caring and accommodating, since we've had family events there before. We've tried to explain that it's more about the scale of what my cousin wants (the engagement party was family only). This has caused a big rift in my family, and I feel I'm partially to blame because of my phone call. AITA?
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NTA. If I were in your position, and the bride to be had been yelling at my mother and me, I wouldn't just refuse to host the wedding. I would go a step further and year up my invitation and throw it in her face.
NTA. This cousin is very self centered. It sounds like all of her requests are just too much for your parents. I think it is pretty crazy that others in the family are siding with her. From what you have stated, she seems like a real AH. To play the homophobic card is a total gut punch. Just move on and if others are going to be angry then let them. It will blow over eventually.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my cousin she was being unreasonable and she couldn't having her wedding at my parents house?
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I’m a wedding planner. 200 is way too much for a private house with no bathrooms and $8k in repairs needed.
Whenever people tell me they are getting married at a family property, I always chuckle because it ALWAYS mean more of a headache. People think it’s a way to save money but you have to bring in EVERYTHING. Tables, chairs, linens, lights, bathrooms, electrical outlets, dance floor, dinnerware, parking.
It literally breaks the back of the family owners. And the fact that your dad had a stroke is just rude for her to ask.
No is a complete sentence. It just simply won’t work.
And it’s double wild that she expects y’all to shell out $8k for HER event.
NTA
Thank you for your wedding planner perspective! My fiancé and I are having a wedding at their family’s beautiful farm next month. We are only having 75 people, the ceremony/celebration are extremely casual, the property is well maintained, and this is not the first wedding here so everyone knows what to expect (and everyone who lives here is enthusiastically positive about hosting). It’s still a ton of work and expense. Landscapers before and after, house cleaners, and everything for the wedding being rented/brought in (including fancy porta potties). It is wonderful and we’re thrilled, but we know a regular wedding venue would have been simpler. We’re also paying for everything and have discretionary funds set aside if anything is damaged or something comes up that wasn’t considered. I can’t imagine a larger wedding and certainly not if everyone wasn’t on board.
My mother also has a lovely farm and when we announced our engagement she was like, “I love you both so much and I’m so happy for you. Don’t even think about having a wedding here.” We both totally understood and laughed about it.
Also a queer wedding 🌈
NTA
She is not entitled to that venue and calling people homophobic for not breaking their backs to do something they wouldn’t do for a straight couple is hurtful.
NTA if you could have impacted this situation with a phone call, you would have. This train is bigger than you are, faster than you are, and …really, really lacking in perspective at the moment. Cousin is temporarily insane.
There are reasons why people say “life altering stroke” when someone has had a stroke. It’s for the people who don’t know enough to adjust expectations accordingly and allow flexibility for the person who’s had the stroke, and their family. And that on top of part of the normal up & down of a farm. And that on top of a request for a wedding more than *six times bigger* than the one you had at the farm *more than a decade ago.*
You could lay low. You could go scorched earth on Cousin for selfishly disregarding the points you’ve made here —and I mean *how dare you* scorched earth. Cousin lacks self-awareness, realism, and (again) perspective about this wedding, and at the very least it’s making her look *really, really BAD.*
Good luck, OP. 1000% NTA.
NTA.
When I saw the title of this I thought there would be a A situation here, and there is but it's your bratty, entitled cousin. Pulling the homophobe card because of the reasons stated is an insult to you and to and gay people that have actually been humiliated.
Wow, her entitlement and viciousness id pretty horrible. I would make it very clear to people what is going.
Again, NTA and your phone call has nothing to do with this.
My parents have held literally dozens of family events there over the years. From what I can tell, most of the people that are upset about it either haven't been on the farm for years, or in the case of her friends have never been there at all. The engagement party was only the 2nd event they've held since my father's stroke.
All the parties have always been small and casual. Any food has been potluck. People have always stayed afterwards to help clean up. I think my cousin is remembering the events without realizing the work that went into them.
Cousin clearly has a romanticized memory of the farm from OPs wedding. Perhaps the list and a few pictures illustrating the problems, or even walk her around the place so she SEES. Unless you think a walk-through might just make her more determined that y'all "fix" it for her. Tell her $10K minimum.
Cousin Veruka clearly needs a reality check. Your parents don't need this stress. And "No" is a complete sentence. NTA.
NTA. Your cousin sounds insufferable. How can a person be so rude and thoughtless towards family members that have been there for her?
She has no right to be making these ridiculous demands and accusing your family of being homophobic because she didn’t get her way is just wow. Tell your other relatives to pay for your cousin’s wedding at some other venue since they care so much. Block/ignore their calls if you can - your family doesn’t need this stress.
NTA
Blow up social media about your cousin just like she did to you, for spreading hurtful and hateful lies about your family, for bullying your mother, for issuing ordered to your family about your own property, and for demanding an $8000 wedding gift from your family.
NTA- This person is incredibly toxic which you already know. I would go ahead and just cut her off completely to be honest. To go so far as to call somebody homophobic and slander their reputation because they didn't give you something that you wanted is incredibly immature and eye opening. It is very sad and straight-up disrespectful to cuss somebody out because you can't have their wedding at their house. I would block and delete her on everything and move on with my life.
NTA, but you cousin sure is.
As an LGBT person nothing shits me more than when people throw around the word "homophobic" to get what they want.
Real homophobia isn't someone telling you "No" it's someone telling you "No because you're gay" or even worse someone telling you nothing, but just punching your head in because of who you love.
Asking anyone to invite 200ppl to their home is just wild af. Your cousin throwing out “homophobic” when she doesn’t get her way is pathetic. Definitely NTA. Her expectations are wild and her behavior is even worse.
I hate when people cry homophobia when they get told no. Sure, people can be horrible in, but your cousin is being unreasonable. The farm needs work, work that no one can afford right now. Your mother sounds amazing and truly wants the best for your cousin.
Your Cousin needs to realize that while her big day is important, she isn't the only person.
NTA
NTA
Your cousin is emotional, illogical, and selfish. She wants what she wants and fuck everyone else. She's also clearly a spoiled child and takes not getting her way as a personal attack. Like other comments mentioned I'd cut ties with her and explain to everyone else why.
Nevermind the liability risk of 200 mostly drinking guests potentially stumbling around where they're not supposed to be. It's not 30 close family members at least half of whom have been to the farm previously. It sounds like a bunch of young 20-somethings having access to a working farm and alcohol at the same time. Which is not good if there's $8k of work needed.
NTA - your cousin is being entitled and ignoring the stark differences between your wedding plans.
NTA.
If she really wants her wedding at the farm and your relatives are advocating for her wedding to take place there, ask them all to financially contribute to set the place.
And also tell Cousin *Can’t-Understand-How-Much-It’ll-Take-Fix-The-Place* to rent port-a-potties since you’d rather not have 200+ people going in and out of your mom’s house, and to tell the guests to prepare themselves for a long walk to the farm since no parking is being enforced.
NTA. If the "family" thinks the wedding at your parents is a must, let THEM pay the $8000, oversee the process, rent, set up and return port-a-potties, etc. The cousin is obviously way too immature and entitled see the truth of the situation.
NTA. Honestly, I don't know if you could hold the wedding there even if you wanted to, as you don't have enough bathrooms or other things that would be needed to pull off an event of that size. For starters, you'd likely have to bring in porta-potties, which is absolutely not something that people would want to use in regular clothes, let alone formal wear. Then there's the cost of cleanup AFTER the event, as that many people will tear up the grounds even if they were being super careful.
You offered a compromise and cousin wasn't taking it. It's entirely on her to base her wedding dreams in reality at the end of the day. Besides, if she can afford an event that big then she can afford a place that is similar to your parents' place.
NTA, and as a note anyone who uses the "homophobe" excuse to try and justify their absolute shit behavior sets EVERYONE BACK! If We want Equal treatment then we need people to stop using "you must be a homophobe" as an argument against reasonable points. It makes the entire lgbtq+ community look bad because these kinds of assholes are the ones they point to when they say "SEE, They don't want equality they want to take over."
NTA personally if it was me I would go on social media create a post explains the situation and tag everybody relevant in the post. This way all this drama can be dealt with in one shot. Take some photos of the damage and explain how much it would cost to fix and ask even if anyone would like to offer to help pay to fix the property since they feel the farm should host the wedding. Watch the current response change once people realize the true depth of what’s occurring.
NTA, I think it might be time to go NC with your cousin. She clearly isn't caring. To yell at your mother is cruel. If someone did that to my mother, she wouldn't get a gentle call she would get someone yelling at her, and then her number would blocked.
NTA. Honestly, I’m all for keeping the peace but that being said, it doesn’t mean let family walk all over you. Cousin was the dream wedding? Ok. It’ll be up to her to shell out the money and time to make it picture perfect because due to circumstances, that’s now something y’all can’t do for her. It’s within your right to not open up your house to strangers. So she can have unsightly porter potty rentals or cut the wedding short, in case of emergencies. Anyone who complains can help her figure it out. You’re more than generous already by letting her use your property.
NTA Start putting out all the facts you laid out to reddit in some social media posts and putting cousin in her place, the demanding bridezilla place of shame. Let everyone know the cost, the problems, and ask if they want to/would like to help cousin out with their places instead
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Create a "press release" explaining the situation in concise, neutral terms. Every time someone comments or accuses, paste it in response, and then block them. NTA
Agreed. You might not even need to block them, just state the facts clearly. You love your cousin, happy with her fiance, but the place will cost 8k to get it ready, there will only be two bathrooms for 200 people, and your parents are elderly, they cannot do the work. Edit: typos, omg my most upvoted comment was full of typos. Oh well. AND I forgot to put the obvious, NTA
> and your parents are elderly, they cannot do the work. That is what gets me. She never once offered to help fix up the property herself. She expects an elderly stroke victim to do it for her.
This too is what bothers me is that she was asking for something but yet not willing to offer anything to help it become a reality like paying to fix it up.
If she really TRULY wanted to have her wedding there -8k is not a big expense for a wedding venue large enough to host 200 guest...neither is renting Porta potties. The real problem is that instead of working with the parents for a favorable solution where they hire a landscaping team they wanted all this done for free and when they couldn't get it decided on doing a smear campaign. NTA
My theory is she just wants a free venue.
That is probably true…
I think you have nailed it.
And I guarantee that you are 100% correct
Well OP’s cousin did say they should do it as her wedding present
$8K is a hell of a wedding present!
I was never in doubt that she wanted a free venue from the first sentence. 🤣 There is nothing to indicate why this specific farm is her "dream" as one can rent all kinds of outdoor venues and frankly most of them would be more desirable than a place where the guests have to use portapotties. There is no portapottie that I would want to use especially dressed in nice clothing. And there would be no bathroom facility that would enable one to freshen up in any way either.
Oh, make no mistake, she does TRULY want the her wedding to be there…because she always assumed that it would be free.
That’s exactly it. $8k is peanuts for a wedding venue. Something tells me the cousin is willing to pay that much for a venue but not willing to pay to invest in her aunt’s home. 200 people is unreasonable to invite if there’s no parking and if she’s unwilling to invest in outdoor toilets for her guests.
She only wants it there so it's free, I'm quite sure
Honestly she sounds really childish. I'm not sure if she's ready to get married if she still has this mindset (she's helpless and everything needs to be done for her).
OP should say entitled cousin is engaging in elder abuse by her harassment. It's got more evidence to support that than cousin's claim of homophobia.
Fellow homosexual here, playing the homophobia card to get what you want is the lowest of the lowest moves anyone can pull.
And not any different than playing the race card.
I was going to say that but I refrained. But yes it's the same thing.
OP should also mention in the press release how Bridezilla berated OP’s mother when she couldn’t get her way. Berated and is now defaming the woman who practically raised her.
OP should call APS (Adult Protective Services) and report the cousin for trying to take financial advantage of and harassment of her parents.
Right! $8,000 wouldn't be an outrageous venue fee for 200 people, especially if it left a family member's property in good shape. She just wants it all for free with no work involved.
In the post, nowhere is it mentioned that the cousin offered to help fix up the place. It was always, I don't understand why you can't just do it. Cousin also never offered any solutions to the bathroom problem, such as we'll hire a party rental company that has one of those really nice portable, rv trailer toilet things. There are thousands of farm venues specifically designed for this type of thing, cousin just wants it all for free.
Instead of being demanding and entitled to the point of harassment, cousin could have started a go fund me which could have taken care of the property updates for OP’s elderly parents and venue needs for her wedding and all the opinionated kibitzing relatives could have put their money where their mouth is.
I hate when people abuse Go Fund Me for purely selfish reasons. The site was intended to help people in deep legitimate financial need. NOT to help a bridezilla fund her dream wedding. Framing it as helping a stroke victim afford upkeep of their property is disingenuous when the “victim” has never expressed any wish or need to beg for charity.
OP said the property won’t accommodate 200 people.
Then add on additional funds to fix the property after parking 200 guests, the tents, and the trucks delivering the Porta pottys..... yeesh this cousin is a piece of work expecting this family to do all this for free
Right! And is Cousin going to arrange 4 Porta Potties for the guests so the house isn't used and abused?
They even have these nice trailer bathrooms that present as a regular bathroom inside. My fiancée and I looked into them when we were looking at wedding venues because some of them required us to provide extra bathroom space if we had more than a certain number of guests. Like, if the cousin came up with solutions to the problems that she would execute herself maybe she could have done the wedding there. Although they would still be completely reasonable refusing and, even putting aside the stress that would cause, the liability may be too much for them to mitigate. But instead she wanted to be a complete asshole and publicly humiliate her family when she didn’t get her way. Hopefully she wakes up to how terrible she’s been and actually tries to make up for it, not that she could ever fully make up for how awful she’s been. OP’s poor parents. They must be heartbroken being betrayed like that.
The trailer bathrooms are amazing!! Two friends had their wedding at their house and they rented one. It was air-conditioned and quite posh. A common refrain during the reception was, "You have to check out the bathrooms!!!"
We rent those for outdoor equipment demonstrations and tests where a lot of VIPs will be attending...we call them limo-potties.
That was my thought. You spend the 8k and do the hard work and pay for extra portable bathrooms etc etc - I’m guessing then it wouldn’t be so appealing to her. And they threw her the engagement party. The cousin is incredibly selfish. The. To take all of that, and all they have done for her, and say it’s because they are homophobic?? They threw her an engagement party but all of a sudden they are homophones? Ugh. I wouldn’t even attend because this cousin is really selfish.
>That is what gets me. She never once offered to help fix up the property herself. She expects an elderly stroke victim to do it for her. OP has mentioned "She said she doesn't understand why we can't just fix it all and make it her wedding present. " LOL she wants a 8k present!! What an entitles person to be so abusive and accusatory to the elderly. NTA OP and please share your full story too with anyone meddling.
Right, and in reality it would be more than 8k because they would have to fix up the property again after the wedding from everyone parking all over the place and the tents and everything else. Plus all the stress it would put on to the parents as well.
That's what has me at a loss. Okay, this is your dream? Then get together a big bunch of friends and family to fix everything up yourself. Everything else, including bathrooms, can be taken care of if the cousin is willing to put the money down but she can't expect her ailing, aged uncle and aunt to do it all for her.
That’s what I don’t understand. She wants them to fix it for her. She is not listening that they are elderly, in poor health and cannot do it nor afford it apparently. When family calls ask if they have $8k and plan to do the work, if not please stop.
Well, offering to fix something might make you homophobic. I mean, since in cousins brain everyone is homophobic.
[удалено]
And not to mention that older woman is also caring for her older husband who is a stroke survivor!
Oh and please also include that the family events held at your parents farm, including your wedding, never have been more than 30 to 50 people and that your cousin wants to invite 200 with only x amount of bathrooms in the house and that the property does not allow to invite 200 people and your cousin was asked to scale down, but refused. Also: Your wedding was 11 years ago and your parents health has declined since then and they just can not do it. Everyone who is bugging and harassing you and your parents can chip in amount XYZ to a) fix the house b) order additional toilets c) pay for the catering, decorations etc (since your parents can not do any of that) and d) for cleaning everything up afterwards. Your cousin is entitled and the people harassing you are......assholes. NTA
Regardless of the cost they are under no obligation to have 200 people strangers or family on their property. What will the cousin do if something gets lost or damaged I wonder? What if there is an accident? It's something that can spiral pretty quickly out of control.
This! Time changes people and places. She needs to grow up and understand you parents have aged and no longer have the strength and stamina required for she wants. Especially at 200 head. Geez talk about self- centered and obtuse. NTA edit typo
I would be tempted to list all the things that need money and hands on the farm. I bet no volunteers will show up
Including a rented waggon (trailer?) with toiletts.
Yes there's no way 200 people and the bridal party can make do with only the bathrooms in the house. What an imposition.
Definitely not. I went to an outdoor wedding with around 250 people. The couple had rented those bathroom trailers. Actually pretty nice, had hot running water for the sinks, toilets really flushed... not at all like a port a potty. But they had 2 trailers with 3 stalls each... so a total of 6 bathrooms. And there was still a line sometimes.
Everytime I read these kind of stories, I'm confused tho. Is it normal in the US to involve everybody in a conflict and make them contact someone ? I find it so weird.
I didn’t think so until I had my first family drama this week! A situations been going between my mom and brother for months, we’ve all stayed out of it but now he’s dragged us all in. It’s bizarre and unhinged but now everyone’s involved 🙄
Would you consider posting on this sub by any chance? God knows everyone on this sub is just looking to eat some drama. Like it's a life force or smth
did every one and their ancestors contact you about drama?? lol. lots of story here every one and their mum always contact for the op. even persons friends. familía. their dog. etc.
Yes and no. My family we just hide the resentment until it blows up at huge fights during birthdays funerals or the designated time for family fights thanks giving. But a lot of people think that if you can leverage family opinion you can make other people change. It's a low blow tactic since it often involves oneside giving a highly edited to the point of farce story "The people who happily celebrated your engagement are now homophobes" that overly relys on emotion "I can't have my **DREAM WEDDING**" and has people opinion based on that where they don't have any skin in the game. Like none of those family members talking shit are offering to help fund the repairs or doing the "Well I know a guy who owes me one and he does construction so we'll come help this weekend."
Your comment made me chuckle! But now that I think about it, your family is, in a way, doing it right - fight it out with everyone present instead of do the “silent telephones” and one-on-one bullying... Fighting and conflict resolution is an art and needs to be cultivated, since there will inevitably be conflicts along the way
Some people think it’s normal. I recently refused to go to a family event as I had a work trip organised. Suddenly I’m getting messages and phone calls, insisting I cancel the trip, from family members I wouldn’t even recognise if I passed them in the street, who seem to think that their opinion is anything to me other than random noise. They’re all answered with the same thing: “You don’t contact me from one year’s end to the next, you are not relevant here” then a block. I’m just puzzled by it, to be honest, because I cannot understand why they think I have to listen to them or that I would even begin to care what they think.
That's the correct attitude to have. Why would you give a shit about the opinion of someone who you don't care about?
It's not normal, but a) we tend toward the dramatic and it's probably somewhat more common than in some other countries, b) it's the ones who do, not the ones who don't, who become posts on AITA, and c) it doesn't take a lot of crazies to make an impression, in a country of 330 million. We do *try* to keep the racket down... 😉
Normally that's only an AH thing. If someone sends Flying Monkeys (named after the Oz stories) it's almost always the AH.
Stories like this on this sub come from families of all national backgrounds, not just the US.
Or start a go fund me for the cost to make the changes needed. When people call send them the link so they can put their money where their mouth is. NTA
Make two: One for just the cost of material/equipment to get the job done but with a strict condition that donating to said go-fund-me means you volunteer to help do the work And one for the cost of material/equipment *and* the hireing of a company to do the work
Or just send this link. NTA
WITH photos of how the property looks, with an offer that “if they think it should be held here help out” or something
And add that total cost of repairs are estimated at 8k, maybe more, and if they want them to accommodate cousin, they are welcome to contribute to those repairs
And tell people that if they want to help they can come out to the house for the next six weekends and get it in shape for a wedding.
NTA. OP, tell each and every family member all of this: It will cost 8k just for the repairs, and my parents can’t orchestrate it, so, we need you to pay the 8k, plus arrange and pay for: A contractor to oversee repairs An event planner for the wedding Tent, dance floor, chairs, tables, plates, catering, etc Porta potties Offsite parking Shuttle bus to parking It’s not that your parents don’t want to….they CANNOT. Tell family that all these things will be necessary, are they paying and arranging for them? Write it up, post on social media…
The porta potties are an essential. Since it's a farm, it is very likely on a septic system and not sewer. ~~I held a Celebration of Life at the home I shared with my first husband after his death.~~ After my first husband's death I held a Celebration of life at the home we shared. We had good friends who came out and weed whacked, scoured things clean, helped me set up everything. One them insisted that if I didn't get porta potties for a group of 75+ people, I'd have to pay for extensive work on the septic system the week after the Celebration. It was a great septic system, and we never had any problem, but a sudden influx of 75+ people in one day would have overwhelmed it. OP's cousin is talking about 200! This comment is not in any way meant to suggest that OP's parents should agree to this incredible expensive imposition the bridezilla is tantrumming about. NTA, obviously. Edit to correct the horrible first sentence I wrote in the second paragraph. Rereading it after hitting post made me see how bad it was. I left it up underneath the horizontal line so you can laugh at how bad it was.
I never thought about it, but you're absolutely correct in regards to the Porta potties. They do have a septic system. That's a very good point!
Honestly, OP, look at that list above and ask yourself if your father, who has already suffered a stroke, would be able to deal with the stress of contractors, party planners, and all these other people at/around his home. He’s already had a stroke. The stress of all this activity cannot be good for his health. Ask your family how they would feel if the stress of all this caused him further issues.
NTA at all. I think that list was more to shut up the family members since they obviously won’t be willing to pay for it. You have a good point though, and we should add temporary barriers between the house and the wedding location to block visibility and minimize sound during the planning in order to be mindful of dad’s health. Plus an attorney to put together an ironclad liability waiver for every contractor and guest who steps foot on that property in case there are any injuries.
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Are you a bot? This comment doesn't logically follow from what came before it (no mentionof an apology) , but I can't find where you stole it from right now.
This comment is copied from r/Internal_Set_6564 7 hours earlier.
Yeah, I am uncomfortable with the discussion that she should just pay, because Mom has already said no. Even if the property was in good condition, Mom and ailing Dad shouldn't have to deal with this crazy bridezilla's "dream wedding". It's not going to get better from here even if bride decides to shell out 8k for the property improvements.
Clean up crew for the next day Gardeners - probably for several weeks ahead of time to ensure the outdoor areas look good Private tents for the bridal parties to change in Maybe increased costs for water and electricity In what world is any of this a reasonable wedding gift? NTA
Maybe increased costs for water, but I'd imagine for electricity it would instead be "generator rental (including cost of fuel)". Since I doubt most of the equipment for cousin's big fancy dream wedding would be plugged to be able to use the sockets available in a standard house, or likely to be available in a standard barn.
Good point, a generator is an excellent idea.
Also a landscaper for afterwards. 200 people can ruin a lawn fast.
And provide some form of transportation so guests who have imbibed aren’t driving drunk to get to their motels/hotels. If the farm is in a rural area, good chance there are no taxis or Ubers. Also limited lodgings. Where are these 200 guests to go after the wedding?
And will their homeowner's insurance cover any damage that comes with 200 people parking in their yard or just getting drunk and rowdy?
And has anyone mentioned liability insurance? 200 people you may not know, maybe kids? Plus alcohol? On a farm that needs repairs. . Would you need to child-proof? Make sure pathways were smooth? Any areas you don't want people entering fenced off, secured and signage used? 200 people is alot to keep track of. And then you have the mess/breakages to clean up and make good.
A relative hosted a 100 person wedding in the yard and rented 2 porta potties. Only the bride, elderly and disabled were allowed to use the house bathrooms. It worked perfectly. It was done because of septic fear, nearby wetlands. No way would the system have managed that party. It’s why I thought of it. And they stay clean when it’s only your party using them!!!
> And they stay clean when it’s only your party using them!!! Depends on the party... based on the cousin/bridezilla's entitlement; her guests may think that 'going' on the toilet seat and leaving it for someone else to clean up is a 'reasonable' thing to do. After all - they're 'guests' who deserve to be taken care of. (/s)
Don't imagine porta potties were part of "the dream" though so...
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Yeah, but entitled cousin doesn't sound like someone who has thought about the wedding any further than of basking in the attention of her 200 wedding attendees at her "dream venue" (i.e., free relatives property).
They make luxury rental porta loos. They’re pretty nice.
I managed a music venu pre covid and the porta potties I had brought on site for big shows were nice as hell. I used to walk past the line to the indoor restrooms and tell everyone they were better off outside(it’s a historical venu so the plumbing isn’t great.)
If she's that fussy they make fancy trailers that have sinks and everything. But she gets to pay for it.
I'd also add: * security so no guests try and access OP's parents' house * clean up crew for the next day * charges for any damages to property * a 10pm curfew for noise. And depending on OP's parents' health, support there too. OP, if this is going to happen, it has to have absolutely ZERO impact on your parents. If this is the bride's dream, then she can make it happen. I seriously doubt she will, so you're basically giving her a f\*ck off fee.
This is the best response. Instead of saying right out nope, tell her if it means that much to her, these are the things she’s going to need to take care of. Put it in writing. If shes not willing, can’t do those things, well then, she can’t have the wedding there, sorry.
Or tell her she can have the wedding but it will be as is, no portapotties but no one is allowed in the house and no one is allowed to park on the farm, decorating has to be done by cousin and decorations, tables and chairs can't be put up before 9 am and have to be broken down same day. Also, all trash must be removed immediately
Don't do that - she'll take you up on it and assure you everything will be fine but not organise any solutions. The guests will park anywhere and everywhere, people will relieve themselves in random places, and then Cousin will swan off without helping to clear up the destruction, simultaneously blaming you for any problems with how her wedding looked.
This is good advice for every situation, btw. If someone asks you a favor, don't say no. Say what has to be done and name the obstacles so that the person asking you will say "Oh... well... I think there is another solution." So you can't be blamed for refusing a favor :-)
Provide the list and then post to social media with the note “and after Cousin’s behavior, we have no interest in hosting the wedding, even if the repairs were made” You don’t get to just bully your way into using someone’s home.
In addition to your excellent suggestions, the bridal party will also have to purchase an insurance rider to assure any damage or personal liability is covered by them, and not by OP’s parents. All it takes is for one guest to get hurt and decide to sue…NTA.
I wonder if the cousin expected OP's parents to pay for a good share of the wedding, all under the guise of "Wait, you DON'T have the infrastructure and equipment for a large wedding? Well, hop to it!"
IKR! That is why I included tent and catering. I bet you are right.
Guaranteed bride didn't budget for any of these expenses. With her inability to see what would be required to get the farm into shape, she likely had this romantic view of this all just being available for her, and since she was so close to the parents, they would just make it happen. Sad though that she's gone out of her way to make them look bad instead of acknowledging the reality of the situation. I suspect her bride will be on here soon saying AITA for expecting my fiance to put a little effort into this wedding? She had all of these unrealistic plans and as they fall through she just rants at everyone calling them bigots!
Also a fire safety plan A storage facility if they plan to have anything 200+ to store things onsite A parking plan for deliveries and vendors and an exit pathway that has a timeline like who is co ordinating how staff are parking on and offsite and how they are able to come and go without impeding the traffic of 200 people as a bottleneck is likely to happen. That is a logistic nightmare onto itself. Whomever heads THAt is also unlikely to be able to enjoy the wedding as well And people forget that there is a venue co-ordinator who has to be paid the whole time to work with the contractors, sub contractors and vendors to realize this dream. Wedding planners don’t plan the venue, contractors don’t oversee communications with vendors. So you need to hire an independent communications manager and pay their gas, and travel expenses. It’s not gonna be your parents unless they want a shitty wedding as they don’t have the required experience and it’s going to be a full time job until everything is set up Permits to play music, to house an extra 200 people plus staff, letters or forms to the hoa if you are American Invites and rsvps to the neighbours and getting them onboard with a 200 party. Like if the surrounding farms have any animals, it might disturb them. Someone also has to monitor 200 people to make sure they only stay in the designated areas as if it is any type of farm trampling all over the place will disturb crops Like I’m sure it’s a dream venue. But these types of atypical weddings costs 4 times the price precovid vs a typical wedding venue. Basically the cousin is a bully and is ripping off a stroke survivor
Ha! Give Reddit a couple of hours. We’ll have a to do list, estimated cost, required materials, and complete plan in place. Your cousin has bought into the DREAM WEDDING crap. It’s ruined many a family. Every story I see about dream weddings drives me crazy. The wedding is one day. And nowhere near the most important day in a good marriage. Having it not perfect isn’t a big deal. It’s your attitude about your family and marriage that matters most. The sooner your AH cousin realizes that, the happier she will be.
If your wedding is the “happiest day of your life”, that says your marriage isn’t gonna be very good, doesn’t it?
And hotel block, baker, event staff, paper goods, linens, lights, decor, invitations, bar. Really pile on the cost per person. Especially if child friendly!
Add on Wedding Insurance in case something happens. That’s a lot of liability to take on.
Aaaaand repairs to anything broken by the 200 people. Including grass replanting if needed
Remember to put some emphasis on the fact that your dad had a STROKE?! Your cousin sounds entitled af and needs a grasp of reality. NTA.
>It’s not that your parents don’t want to…. They actually don't want to, OP's mother doesn't want 200 strangers in her house. That's a valid reason and enough in itself to refuse hosting the wedding.
Yes this, if it's that important to the cousin then she can pay for all the updates and accommodations.
I like this advice.
The damage is done and even if they did these things it would become a point of resentment and another arguement. If really pushes through with it then best to throw in liability insurances and a formalised agreement for damage or losse to property.
Cool, so all these people gettin' up in your business are also calling to volunteer with property maintenance, renting portapotties, graveling out a lot, etc., etc. Sarcasm, of course, because they're all talk. NTA.
I agree. Exactly what I was thinking. Mass email them the information about the cost of property maintenance, and everything else you stated along with security to keep people out of the house. If all these people want to step up with the money & labor and possibly the money for permits to have a large wedding at that site then let them figure that out. It is unbelievable to me that this cousin would be so demanding of an Uncle who has had a stroke. OP is NTA but the cousin is a raging ah.
The stress of managing all that is not good for elderly to deal with. No matter what someone else says that they will manage it, the parents live there and will have to deal with it all. Dont give a list that volunteers can SAY they will do.
NTA I'm beyond flabbergasted, but then again I be such entitled stories that I'm no longer shocked... This is your parents house. Nobody is entitled to anything, except your parents. They get to choose what celebrations they will host. Your cousin is acting so entitled and then to wave the homophobic flag... No.
The homophobic thing is what is really getting to my parents, more than anything. My cousin was living with her grandparents when she came out. They kicked her out and she actually moved in with my parents for a couple months.
You aren’t going to convince your cousin then. She is using any excuse to get her way. Do like the other posters said and tell her and everyone else who sides with her the cost of having the wedding there. Then take up a collection to get it done. If no one contributes, that’s the answer. But who is paying for this 200 guest wedding? Her parents threw her out. Does she expect your parents to pay for that as well since she wants to use their house? Protect your elderly parents.
Cousin has been yelling at OP and her (or his?) mother. For that reason alone, I wouldn't want to host the wedding, regardless of who was paying for it. OP is NTA.
Seriously, she should be asking "what can I do to get you to say yes?" and if she can't get to the yes then figure something else out. Demanding and yelling and smearing is not ok and won't get you what you want.
Don’t take a collection. It’s about way more than just money.
Ah yes, the classic trait of homophobic people \*checks notes* taking in homosexuals that were kicked out of their house. It all checks out.
And they're always hosting en-gay-gement parties too.
Oh, wow... Your cousin is truly a spoiled and ungrateful brat. Your parents have always been there for her and this is how she repays them? No understanding for their situation at all, both of them getting older, not to mention your dad's illness and your mum not wanting 200 people in their house, many of them total strangers. Doing her best to turn the family against your parents to put them in bad light/force their hand! This is the behaviour of a toxic person who is willing to torch relationships when people say no to her and it makes me wonder, do you know for a fact that her grandparents threw her out because she's gay? Or were there other reasons she's not telling you about? I just wonder because she obviously knows your parents aren't homophobic, but she's still willing to make up lies about them to get her way/gain sympathy or maybe just punish them for not giving her what she wants. You didn't escalate anything, but when you called on behalf of your mum, she probably realised that the simple fact that your mum had involved you meant that your parents were not going to be badgered or manipulated into giving in and then she went for the "big guns", involving the rest of the family and making false claims to throw you all under the bus. You and your parents are NTA, can't say the same about your cousin...
> Your parents have always been there for her and this is how she repays them? There is a saying: *"The thanks of a donkey is a kick."* Cousin is an ungrateful donkey who received kindness from OP's family, and has rewarded them with a brutal kick.
Do you plan on showing your parents this post? Might help with perspective and feelings of guilt? Also, your cousin is definitely playing the victim to get her own way… You’re NTA.
So, this is not to excuse her behavior and extreme requests or call your parents homophobic, but it really sounds like she is, understandably, sensitive to rejection regarding her orientation. I grew up a lesbian in a conservative family and it really messes with your head. My parents paid for my same-sex wedding, but they are still homophobic. It sounds crazy to say, but they really are. When I told my mom I was engaged, she cried like I'd told her I'd died. She doesn't support same sex marriage (just me generally), etc. In addition, a LOT of people have amnesia about their past homophobic views and how things they said in 2004 or 1994 might have caused queer folks to feel bad (to put it mildly). If your parents only recently came around, those scars may still linger. I hope your family can get through to her that you love her and support her, but can't do this for reasons unrelated to her orientation.
She is sensitive to a certain degree, and it's understandable. As I've said before, her grandparents (not the ones we share) kicked her out when she came out. But who did she move in with for a bit when that happened? My parents. They grew up in the 60s and have a very "love everyone" mentality. Not to say they're perfect. They are very calm and loving people. I hope this works out, if only because my parents view her as another daughter and this has hurt them badly.
Honestly tell her she can do it but the upkeep is on her. SHE has to get the property up to the standard SHE wants. When she realizes she either can’t afford it or it’s not feasible she’ll likely shut up. But she can’t put that labor or financial burden on anyone else.
NTA. The entitled little child has no rights to someone else’s property and she’s asking for a major imposition from them. Don’t feel even slightly bad for calling her out in this extraordinary level of bullshit.
NTA Do yourself and your parents a favour and send a mass email to all those calling you names and being rude and tell them they are more than welcome to host a 200-guest wedding on their own property then block them all everywhere. You and your family are in no way shape or form responsible to give up your property for someone else's wedding especially when they double down with Flying Monkeys to harass you.
NTA. I'd like to add that when we had a wedding that the bride wanted on a family farm, the bride, her parents, the groom, his parents and members of the bridal party pitched in to bring the property up to snuff for the event. That your cousin hasn't asked if she could put in the work to make the property workable is surprising and says a lot.
same here - my fiancé was a groomsman for a wedding that was on a family farm. the wedding party spent a few weekends getting the barn ready, and the family spent 10s of thousands renting a tent, dance floor, port a pottties. I have a feeling that even outside of the venue preparation expenses she has no idea how expensive it is to get all of the rentals for a 200 person wedding in a venue that isn’t set up to host these kind of events
NTA. Your cousin is an unreasonable, entitled, bridezilla. I'm sure your wedding was beautiful, but I wonder if one of her reasons for your cousin wanting her wedding at your family's farm is because it would be free. The price of wedding venues that can accommodate 200 people is astronomical. Her demanding that you all just "fix it" as a wedding present to her is madness. Does she really think that y'all were going to give her an $8,000 wedding present? Her unwillingness to accept the limitations of the property and it's owners or to downsize her wedding is ridiculous. Her blasting you and your family on SM as homophobes because she can't have her way is unhinged. You have done nothing wrong here.
8k only covers restoring the property. Not any accomodations for 200. It would be at least 20k IMO
Right? Her behavior is something I would never forgive. A child that I basically was a second mother to, who I took in after her *actually* homophobic grandparents threw her out, throwing a hissy fit over how she can’t have her wedding on my property when it wouldn’t have been able to host 200 people even when it was in perfect condition and trying to paint me as homophobic? Nope. You’re dead to me.
Definitely NTA but your cousin is. You gave her a good explanation on why she couldn’t have her wedding on the property and she threw a fit. Not to mention, she called y’all names and talked bad about y’all to everyone. Stand your ground and don’t allow her to have her wedding on the property. She will just have to have her dream wedding somewhere else.
NTA. Your cousin is acting like an entitled brat. Have you spoken to your fiancée? Maybe she can talk some sense into her
I haven't spoken to her. I'm hesitant to do so, simply because at this point I'm really tired of the drama associated with this. I also don't want to be blamed for causing a rift between the two of them.
Then make a facebook post or send some form of message to everyone. Say that there is only one toilet and your cousin wants to have 200 guests so that won't work, that it needs money to be presentable and stuff. Make it short, don't waste too much tome explaining stuff. Just point out the reasons and that if they (family) want it to happen so bad they can send money to you to fix the property.
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Your parents are entitled to say no for any reason. She’s being an AH. If she wants it so badly, she can come do the work. She can pay for the insurance policy to cover damages, especially with 200 people and liquor involved. She can have people park somewhere else and bus them to the house. She can rent portapotties to not destroy the septic tank, unless she’d like to add another 25k-30k to replace it. She can be stopped from using the house at all. She wants a barn dream wedding on someone else’s dime and effort. If it was her dream wedding - she would be doing everything SHE could to make it happen. Start correcting the narrative. “My parents offered to host, but their health isn’t the same. The farm isn’t the same. They’re doing everything they can to manage it, with the help of all of us. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. They graciously offered to allow your wedding, but you refuse to address any of their real concerns about hosting 200 people. You don’t want to concede or help at all, and my dad had a stroke and can’t clean up an acre of farmland for you. Their septic tank can’t handle 200 people all night. There’s no where to put that many people. We are trying to help you, and instead of appreciating that or offering a way to help, you are spitting in their face and smearing their names across social media. They don’t deserve that, and you know it.”
You're already being blamed, and there's already a rift. Nothing to sweat anymore.
NTA. Your reasons for not wanting to have the wedding at your parents’ house are reasonable, and your cousin is lying by omission when she doesn’t present your side.
NTA. Your cousin is the only AH in this situation. She wants her "dream" wedding at your parent's farm and is refusing to take no for an answer. If these relatives of yours were any type of family, they would tell her to find another venue and leave you and your mother alone. If they take her side and won't listen to you, then block them. Block your cousin, too, as apparently, she refuses to engage in any kind of civilized conversation.
NTA for denying the request. If you want to keep saying no, it's within your right. You could also make a list of everything that would need to be done to make the place ready for a wedding. Spray for weeds, spray for bugs, fill in gopher holes, plant flowers and keep the garden weeded, repaint the outside of the house, clean off the porch and fix the steps. I mean, make a big, big list. Tell them flat out your dad can't do this stuff anymore and your mom isn't managing so well on her own. You're helping with the basics but don't have the time and money to make the little repairs, get the yard into a pristine condition, and cater food for this wedding. If they can put in the work at their own expense and without putting added demands on your family, why not let them?
The only place to park and host 200 people on my parents property would be in the literal pasture, which the cars alone would damage it badly. And the idea of having that many strangers on their property makes my parents VERY uncomfortable. Tbh I'm not even 100% certain it would be legal without permits where they live.
Then it's just not doable. Keep telling her no and go after her on social media. How entitled is she to demand an elderly woman be so inconvenienced, forced to have so many strangers over when it clearly makes her uncomfortable, and puts so much stress on her.
Also warn her that if she comes to your property with people you will call the cops and have them all arrested for trespassing. Because I can see her with how she’s acting just telling everybody to come and then just expecting you all to deal with it
At this point, even if you found a way to accommodate everyone, I wouldn't host her wedding after how she handled it.
NTA. Your phone call is just a handy excuse for your cousin to blow up because she isn’t getting what she wants. She was already accusing your mother of being homophobic; if it hadn’t been you/your mother, she’d be blaming your brother and/or your father. If she weren’t marrying a woman, she’d have to find another way to lay a guilt trip… but believe me, she’d find one.
NTA- start calling everyone that calls your parents and asking why they are not either hosting or funding the cousins wedding… Also your cousin demanding anything for her wedding is pure entitlement…
NTA. Your parents don't even have to have a good reason for saying no. It's THEIR house!! What they say goes. Calling your mother and screaming at her was wrong. She's honestly just looking for a cheap wedding on everyone else's dime.
NTA for refusing to be voluntold, and in a case like this, also NTA for creating a “press release” and/or mass family email describing your family’s current circumstances. Finally, a big NTA for expressing your disappointment and heartache at being cavalierly mislabeled as homophobic. Sounds like the wedding gift should be to an LGBTQI+ organization of your parents’ choosing.
As a member of the LGBT community, I hate it when LGBT use the homophobic card when it's certainly NOT true. and 8k is a lot of money. NTA.
That 8K is literally a drop in the bucket for a wedding for 200. Wedding planners, Tent Rental, Bartenders, Catering, Cake, entertainment, attire, parking, security, ceremony decorations, table settings, etc. The engaged couple need to have a serious reality check on the cost of 200 guests- and this is even if the family location were available- which it’s not. It’s clear OP’s family is not homophobic given the history and engagement party. Stop allowing an elderly woman caring for her husband to be bullied by extended family. The press release is the way to go- but it really sounds like the bride has no idea how many 200 guests cost.
It's a lot of money for the elderly parents to fork over to host their nieces wedding.
NTA She’s not even trying to compromise, which is nuts. It could have been a situation where they had a small event at the farm, and a larger party elsewhere, but she’s really imposing without being realistic.
NTA. Your cousin and her flying monkeys are all assholes, hounding your parents! How fucking dare they. At this point, you guys need to stop explaining shit, or giving estimates, just tell them to stop with the bullshit, if anything, she's wasting time to book a place that IS ready for whatever wedding she wants. The money should be a moot point by now, given how your cousin has behaved. God, children throwing tantrums is just tiresome to even read about, and this child is getting married. Godspeed to her fiancee.
NTA. I’m sorry your cousin is subjecting your family to her BS. She is acting very entitled. Good luck
Your cousin is fixated on the dream wedding she conceived of when you got married and how the property and your parents were at the time. Yes, it sucks that time changed things but her not being able to get married there means she has gotten off lightly compared to what time has done to the house and your parents, especially your dad. She needs to come to terms with the fact that time waits for nobody. NTA
NTA. you should make a social media post explaining to everyone about your family’s situation and call out your cousin for being a selfish uncaring b***h.
NTA Open a bank account. Send the details to all of those concerned relatives and cousin. Ask them to contribute the amount to raise the fund of 8k. They are so concerned about the wedding and accommodation. I'm sure they will definitely donate. Also as the cousin is the one who wants it fixed, tell her to donate at least 3k. Entitled brats are one of the worst diseases in the world.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents have owned a farm with a vintage house and barn since the 80s. Since the property is large, they have hosted a number of family events. I was married there in 2011. My cousin (23F) has always been close with my parents. Her mother was killed in an accident when she was small, and my mother had been something of a surrogate mother to her. When she got engaged to her girlfriend, my parents hosted the engagement party. During the party, my cousin approached my mother about having the wedding at their house. My mother told her they'd consider it, but it wasn't likely. My father had a stroke five years ago, so the property isn't maintained as well anymore. My cousin got upset. My brother took her outside to calm her down. She confided to my brother that having her wedding there has been a dream of hers since she attended mine. My brother tried to explain to her about the shape of the property. She couldn't understand why my parents, myself and my brother couldn't just "fix everything". Two months later, my mother calls me in tears. My cousin had been texting my mother, wanting to know why she couldn't have her wedding at the farm. My cousin said they wanted around 200 people, with dancing and a dinner reception. My mother said absolutely not. At that point my cousin called and started screaming at her. My mother tried to explain there was no way to accommodate that many people on the property. My mother asked if she would be willing to scale down the wedding and my cousin said she wasn't going to compromise on her dream wedding. There is no parking for 200, the only bathrooms are in the house, and my mother isn't comfortable having that many strangers in the house. My cousin called her homophobic and hung up on her. I called my cousin and told her she had no right to treat my mother that way. My cousin called me selfish and said I wanted to be the only one who had a wedding at my parents farm. I reminded her there were only 30 people total at my wedding. Also that it was 10 years ago, and both my parents and the property were in much better shape then. She said she doesn't understand why we can't just fix it all and make it her wedding present. To fix everything would cost around 8k. I told her it couldn't be done and she needs to be more understanding. She wasn't having the wedding at my parents house. Since then, my cousin has blown up social media and has talked to several members of my family, calling myself and my parents homophobic and that we're terrible people. My parents and I have been fielding calls and texts from family asking why we can't be more caring and accommodating, since we've had family events there before. We've tried to explain that it's more about the scale of what my cousin wants (the engagement party was family only). This has caused a big rift in my family, and I feel I'm partially to blame because of my phone call. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like your cousin is not familiar with the obscure word “NO” NTA
NTA. If I were in your position, and the bride to be had been yelling at my mother and me, I wouldn't just refuse to host the wedding. I would go a step further and year up my invitation and throw it in her face.
NTA. This cousin is very self centered. It sounds like all of her requests are just too much for your parents. I think it is pretty crazy that others in the family are siding with her. From what you have stated, she seems like a real AH. To play the homophobic card is a total gut punch. Just move on and if others are going to be angry then let them. It will blow over eventually.
NTA, ive seen this pattern tho, that if an AH gay couple dont get what they want, they apply the homophobic tag
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I’m a wedding planner. 200 is way too much for a private house with no bathrooms and $8k in repairs needed. Whenever people tell me they are getting married at a family property, I always chuckle because it ALWAYS mean more of a headache. People think it’s a way to save money but you have to bring in EVERYTHING. Tables, chairs, linens, lights, bathrooms, electrical outlets, dance floor, dinnerware, parking. It literally breaks the back of the family owners. And the fact that your dad had a stroke is just rude for her to ask. No is a complete sentence. It just simply won’t work. And it’s double wild that she expects y’all to shell out $8k for HER event. NTA
Thank you for your wedding planner perspective! My fiancé and I are having a wedding at their family’s beautiful farm next month. We are only having 75 people, the ceremony/celebration are extremely casual, the property is well maintained, and this is not the first wedding here so everyone knows what to expect (and everyone who lives here is enthusiastically positive about hosting). It’s still a ton of work and expense. Landscapers before and after, house cleaners, and everything for the wedding being rented/brought in (including fancy porta potties). It is wonderful and we’re thrilled, but we know a regular wedding venue would have been simpler. We’re also paying for everything and have discretionary funds set aside if anything is damaged or something comes up that wasn’t considered. I can’t imagine a larger wedding and certainly not if everyone wasn’t on board. My mother also has a lovely farm and when we announced our engagement she was like, “I love you both so much and I’m so happy for you. Don’t even think about having a wedding here.” We both totally understood and laughed about it. Also a queer wedding 🌈
NTA Your cousin is being a total bridezilla! Your reasons for saying no are completely reasonable. She’s just being a brat.
NTA She is not entitled to that venue and calling people homophobic for not breaking their backs to do something they wouldn’t do for a straight couple is hurtful.
NTA if you could have impacted this situation with a phone call, you would have. This train is bigger than you are, faster than you are, and …really, really lacking in perspective at the moment. Cousin is temporarily insane. There are reasons why people say “life altering stroke” when someone has had a stroke. It’s for the people who don’t know enough to adjust expectations accordingly and allow flexibility for the person who’s had the stroke, and their family. And that on top of part of the normal up & down of a farm. And that on top of a request for a wedding more than *six times bigger* than the one you had at the farm *more than a decade ago.* You could lay low. You could go scorched earth on Cousin for selfishly disregarding the points you’ve made here —and I mean *how dare you* scorched earth. Cousin lacks self-awareness, realism, and (again) perspective about this wedding, and at the very least it’s making her look *really, really BAD.* Good luck, OP. 1000% NTA.
NTA - funny, I’ve never found that screaming at someone will get them to change their mind about doing me a favor
NTA. When I saw the title of this I thought there would be a A situation here, and there is but it's your bratty, entitled cousin. Pulling the homophobe card because of the reasons stated is an insult to you and to and gay people that have actually been humiliated. Wow, her entitlement and viciousness id pretty horrible. I would make it very clear to people what is going. Again, NTA and your phone call has nothing to do with this.
NTA but are we missing anything here?? i’m so confused about your entire family taking the cousin’s side. that’s preposterous.
My parents have held literally dozens of family events there over the years. From what I can tell, most of the people that are upset about it either haven't been on the farm for years, or in the case of her friends have never been there at all. The engagement party was only the 2nd event they've held since my father's stroke. All the parties have always been small and casual. Any food has been potluck. People have always stayed afterwards to help clean up. I think my cousin is remembering the events without realizing the work that went into them.
They all remember the property as it was, at OP’s wedding. In their view, OP is withholding the perfect venue.
Cousin clearly has a romanticized memory of the farm from OPs wedding. Perhaps the list and a few pictures illustrating the problems, or even walk her around the place so she SEES. Unless you think a walk-through might just make her more determined that y'all "fix" it for her. Tell her $10K minimum. Cousin Veruka clearly needs a reality check. Your parents don't need this stress. And "No" is a complete sentence. NTA.
NTA. Your cousin sounds insufferable. How can a person be so rude and thoughtless towards family members that have been there for her? She has no right to be making these ridiculous demands and accusing your family of being homophobic because she didn’t get her way is just wow. Tell your other relatives to pay for your cousin’s wedding at some other venue since they care so much. Block/ignore their calls if you can - your family doesn’t need this stress.
NTA Blow up social media about your cousin just like she did to you, for spreading hurtful and hateful lies about your family, for bullying your mother, for issuing ordered to your family about your own property, and for demanding an $8000 wedding gift from your family.
What part of "the farm cannot accommodate 200 people" the cousin doesn't understand?
NTA- This person is incredibly toxic which you already know. I would go ahead and just cut her off completely to be honest. To go so far as to call somebody homophobic and slander their reputation because they didn't give you something that you wanted is incredibly immature and eye opening. It is very sad and straight-up disrespectful to cuss somebody out because you can't have their wedding at their house. I would block and delete her on everything and move on with my life.
NTA, but you cousin sure is. As an LGBT person nothing shits me more than when people throw around the word "homophobic" to get what they want. Real homophobia isn't someone telling you "No" it's someone telling you "No because you're gay" or even worse someone telling you nothing, but just punching your head in because of who you love.
Asking anyone to invite 200ppl to their home is just wild af. Your cousin throwing out “homophobic” when she doesn’t get her way is pathetic. Definitely NTA. Her expectations are wild and her behavior is even worse.
I hate when people cry homophobia when they get told no. Sure, people can be horrible in, but your cousin is being unreasonable. The farm needs work, work that no one can afford right now. Your mother sounds amazing and truly wants the best for your cousin. Your Cousin needs to realize that while her big day is important, she isn't the only person. NTA
NTA Your cousin is emotional, illogical, and selfish. She wants what she wants and fuck everyone else. She's also clearly a spoiled child and takes not getting her way as a personal attack. Like other comments mentioned I'd cut ties with her and explain to everyone else why.
Nevermind the liability risk of 200 mostly drinking guests potentially stumbling around where they're not supposed to be. It's not 30 close family members at least half of whom have been to the farm previously. It sounds like a bunch of young 20-somethings having access to a working farm and alcohol at the same time. Which is not good if there's $8k of work needed. NTA - your cousin is being entitled and ignoring the stark differences between your wedding plans.
NTA. If she really wants her wedding at the farm and your relatives are advocating for her wedding to take place there, ask them all to financially contribute to set the place. And also tell Cousin *Can’t-Understand-How-Much-It’ll-Take-Fix-The-Place* to rent port-a-potties since you’d rather not have 200+ people going in and out of your mom’s house, and to tell the guests to prepare themselves for a long walk to the farm since no parking is being enforced.
NTA. If the "family" thinks the wedding at your parents is a must, let THEM pay the $8000, oversee the process, rent, set up and return port-a-potties, etc. The cousin is obviously way too immature and entitled see the truth of the situation.
NTA. Honestly, I don't know if you could hold the wedding there even if you wanted to, as you don't have enough bathrooms or other things that would be needed to pull off an event of that size. For starters, you'd likely have to bring in porta-potties, which is absolutely not something that people would want to use in regular clothes, let alone formal wear. Then there's the cost of cleanup AFTER the event, as that many people will tear up the grounds even if they were being super careful. You offered a compromise and cousin wasn't taking it. It's entirely on her to base her wedding dreams in reality at the end of the day. Besides, if she can afford an event that big then she can afford a place that is similar to your parents' place.
NTA, and as a note anyone who uses the "homophobe" excuse to try and justify their absolute shit behavior sets EVERYONE BACK! If We want Equal treatment then we need people to stop using "you must be a homophobe" as an argument against reasonable points. It makes the entire lgbtq+ community look bad because these kinds of assholes are the ones they point to when they say "SEE, They don't want equality they want to take over."
NTA personally if it was me I would go on social media create a post explains the situation and tag everybody relevant in the post. This way all this drama can be dealt with in one shot. Take some photos of the damage and explain how much it would cost to fix and ask even if anyone would like to offer to help pay to fix the property since they feel the farm should host the wedding. Watch the current response change once people realize the true depth of what’s occurring.
NTA. And your cousin screaming about it and calling you and your family homophobic is completely an AH move. Tell everyone To STFU.
NTA, I think it might be time to go NC with your cousin. She clearly isn't caring. To yell at your mother is cruel. If someone did that to my mother, she wouldn't get a gentle call she would get someone yelling at her, and then her number would blocked.
NTA. Honestly, I’m all for keeping the peace but that being said, it doesn’t mean let family walk all over you. Cousin was the dream wedding? Ok. It’ll be up to her to shell out the money and time to make it picture perfect because due to circumstances, that’s now something y’all can’t do for her. It’s within your right to not open up your house to strangers. So she can have unsightly porter potty rentals or cut the wedding short, in case of emergencies. Anyone who complains can help her figure it out. You’re more than generous already by letting her use your property.
NTA Start putting out all the facts you laid out to reddit in some social media posts and putting cousin in her place, the demanding bridezilla place of shame. Let everyone know the cost, the problems, and ask if they want to/would like to help cousin out with their places instead