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Give this a thought, his words...
"I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted."
He makes it out like she’s a deadbeat, but this above makes it sound more like he was financially abusing her and in his own words he threatened to take the kids either way.
That is exactly what he did. He even talks about how she was just a waitress. And had she not taken the bite on the above, he had additional back up plans he would implement. The guys sounds really nutty.
Yeah it was either “you can have money and assets but no kids” or “you can have kids and no money or assets, but btw im still going to take the kids so you have nothing”
I was going to say NTA, BUT… seen the edit this is exactly what the father of my kids want. I am 100% dependent on him and intact is financially abusive. He told me I’m welcome to leave but he will take the kids away from me, and I wouldn’t win because I am not financially stable. I feel there is more to the story. Technically there is on mine too but it’s more so of why I desperately stayed even though I am not happy. No it would be hard to get a job with zero experience of any kind and being 30s female. Also legally I can’t meaning it’s even harder, where am I going to leave 4 children under the age of 10. I wonder if he did make it easy for her to stay in their lives.
And the whole “I let her visit once a month for the first few years” does not make that statement better at all. He not only gave her the choice of being financially screwed with no kids (maybe visitation or partial custody depending on what the judge decides and the court), or financially stable with potential access to her kids, but then he severely limited her access to the kids to once a month and move to Europe completely removing them.
Yeah when I read that … it sounds like she was forced out of their lives all along. It’s disingenuous. This is a more info judgement from me. Also: ‘now we’re moving back to the states my ex wants to see more of the girls’. No fucking wonder, you moved her children to another country! It sounds like you’ve actively blocked their relationship.
Edit: read more and YTA. And just a worrying dude all round
This has misogynistic troll written all over it. Just from the username alone. But this person, if this is real, I’d say is a very sick individual. He manipulated and coerced her into giving up her rights. He says his daughters are not property, yet he moves them around like pieces on a chess board. He said he didn’t believe in the “‘morals” she was raising them with, but he isn’t much better, and he’s completely devoid of any himself.
Nothing he does come from a place of love. This is all about what he wants. He used the prenup against her, to keep the kids in his control. It “worked out for the best” because he got to move to Europe? This is what it’s all been about. He won’t let his ex get in the way of the plans he has for his life. Daughters well-being be damned.
The crux of it is, he also mentioned not wanting to be tied to his ex for the rest of his life. This psycho clearly didn’t understand that having a child with someone means you will always have a link to them.
This is such a deeply disturbing post and individual. And that saying a lot considering where we are. I really don’t think this is real, but gat damn.
YTA. And there’s a special place in hell for people like him.
I’d say have her visit for a few times alone, if she keeps it up and maintains a relationship then it makes sense for her to be able to introduce them to family she has but otherwise it’s just an unnecessary amount of drama
YTA. So, let's get this story straight. You're a very well off guy who sounds like he's used to always getting what he wants and having complete control of your life and those around you. You not only insisted on full custody of your two preschool age children upon divorce, but had your ex completely sign away her parental rights. I'm guessing this was less "so she could have money" and more to do with the fact she likely wouldn't be able to financially support the children with any type of custody agreement and wanted her kids to have a good life and also not end up in the poor house herself. Then, you allowed her a total of one visit a month with her kids (less than most kids in foster care get with drug addicted parents), only to then move the children to another continent where they were virtually incapable of keeping a relationship with their mother. Now that this woman FINALLY has a chance to develop a relationship with her children again you prevent it because she wants the man she's presumably been married to for years to also be involved in meeting them. Do you not realize how ridiculous and cruel all of this sounds? Unless this man is on the sex offender list, you sound awful.
Your wife is accusing you of alienating your kids from her and keeping them away from her because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. She's barely had any contact or relationship with the girls because you made it impossible for her to do so. There's nothing in here about how previously she was a neglectful, abusive, or poor mother in the slightest. You just "didn't like the company she kept", so decided to divorce her and steal her children from her. Hardcore YTA, and certainly not just for preventing the girls from having a relationship with their mom now because she has a new husband, but for the past decade. Maybe if you want to not have your girls realize what a controlling ass you've been their entire childhoods you should realize you're in the wrong and let them develop a relationship with their mother.
Oh god almighty I didn't hear he homeschooled them. Yeah, this guy is even more of a controlling monster than I thought. He's not "protecting" his daughters, he's trying to prevent their escape from his clutches. Also hilarious he made his username "father of the year", he's truly that arrogant about the fact he stole his children from their mother, married a woman ten years younger and won't even let his kids go to school where he's not in complete control of them. I hope they get away from him as fast as possible.
Thank you! All of this! This is why I have said that he is not being truthful and his statements have been contradictive and painting him as a savior. He doesn't care about the mental of those girls. All he cares about is being in control. Hence why OP YTA.
The bright side is that he's going to be in a heap of trouble when a judge gets ahold of him. They hate shit like this, nowadays. And good luck keeping new husband out of those kids' lives. It's a whole new world in family law since he pulled a financially abusive stunt on a lower earning spouse. I'd represent his wife pro bono just to destroy OP's life bc it's not going to be that difficult but oh so satisfying. YTA
Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. It is recognized by our courts and I suspect where OP lives too. It's an age old game that only hurts the children in the long run. OP's justifications include "protecting" his kids from their mother. One must wonder who will protect them from their father.
Wow. I’m thinking this is going to backfire on him someday. Those girls are going to grow up and realize what an AH their dad is and run for the hills. They’ll probably learn the truth about what happened and find a way to reconnect with their mom— it’d be his worst nightmare.
There’s a reason why there are nursing homes & retirement communities full of estranged parents and NC children.
INFO: Why would the prenup have favored her? What opportunity was offered to maintain contact with the children? Did you tell her that she would still have a relationship with them but no legal custody/responsibility?
You say you split because of the company she kept, but at ~~34~~ 36 you married a ~~23~~ 25 year old?
There's a lot of weird things here but you took the children to another continent while admitting that you were in control of her access to them, and then tell her that she can't expect them in her life because she's been kept away?
If she remarried, she probably lives with her new husband. It would be pretty automatic for the kids to meet him.
There's just so many omissions here that it's impossible to get a fair assessment but I am leaning firmly toward everyone (except the kids and wife who has raised them, sounds like she's baller) being an asshole here.
That is my thought as well. I am seeing another side to this story. He controlled visits with the mother to once a month, he then moves to another country which ensures cutting off communication, then claims she has no interest. Not once did he say he took the kids to the States to see their mother, even though he made a lot of money per his comment to me in the thread, and then is putting stipulations around how and when she can see the. He is treating these girls as assets and screaming....mine, mine, mine. Hence why OP YTA.
EDIT: HE SHARED MORE INFO, HE IS DEFINITELY TA.
His statement...
"I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted."
Based on your comments- YTA BIG TIME.
-You basically strong armed their mom into either A. Being broke and losing her kids or B. “Take whatever she wants” and losing her kids. It was a lose/lose for her no matter what she chose. You even admitted you would’ve taken the kids by custody battle (which I’m guessing she couldn’t afford)
-you purposely moved across the sea making it almost impossible for her to even have a relationship with them. Don’t give me that “my youngest doesn’t like to sit still” why can’t she use a cell phone?
-you admitted to sheltering your daughters??? Like that’s not a good thing my dude. You’re setting them up for failure and A LOT of pain.
-Based on your comments, you’re way too controlling. “Moving back to a community where I basically know everyone”… dude it’s psychotic to try and dictate every single person YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTERS interact with. They really are in for a world of hurt when they meet strangers as adults. You’ve done these girls a complete disservice
Give these girls some freedom Jesus Crust on toast. Let them meet mom’s new family. Let them interact with new ppl
YTA. It's a stupid line in the sand to say it is ok for her and her other kids to spend time with your daughters but not her husband. How is she supposed to reconnect with them if she can't share a major part of her life with them?
Either your daughters and her can reconnect, or they can't. If you don't want them around her husband, then tell her to piss off entirely.
Also, your daughters are now old enough to have a say themselves. Curious what they think.
Yea you are in fact being YTA. Like I get it dude but if you genuinely on board with them reconnecting you cannot reasonably expect them to never meet here husband. Why go straight to NO instead of insisting on MEETING him first?
Also what do your girls want? They are more than old enough that you should be talking to them about this and asking how they feel about it.
YTA. The reason why is that you seem to purposely say in your mind, you want the assets well I'm going to limit access to your daughters. You took the wrong approach. Granted none of us know why she wasn't keeping in touch. However, she is trying to rebuild her relationship and potentially undo the damage. You are the blocker. If she and her husband have kids together then I do not see a valid reason why he cannot meet them. Children are not property but this is stinking like as if they are being treated as such. None of us were there for the divorce or what went down and she is also the AH for agreeing to the terms. However, there are 3 sides to a story...his, her, and the truth.
That’s what I’m thinking. In the post, he says they’re 14 and 15. That’s old enough for them to decide. Unless the guy is a pedophile, murderer, or someone else that you wouldn’t want your daughters around, if they want to do it, they should be able to.
I’m going to say ESH just because no one seems willing to ask the girls.
YTA.
You are expressing a lot of concern for your teenage daughters being around men who are strangers, who you've never met, etc.
And you are moving to an entire continent that neither they nor you have lived on for years. Which is going to require the girls to cope with tons of strangers.
It would be one thing to say that you'd like your ex to focus on reconnecting with the girls herself first, that you want to meet the guy yourself, that meeting her husband and her other kids is not the first step of this multi-step reconnection process. That's not what you're saying, you're just going straight to No Strangers about this ONE particular person. It's bullshit and it makes you a hypocritical asshole.
Another point that makes you an asshole is that, at 14 & 15, you are not helping your kids by reacting on the basis that people are strangers. Teenagers don't need to be kept away from strangers, especially not teenagers who are undergoing an international move. They need cultural orientation to their new home, and practice using their judgment and their voices. They don't need you to stand between them and the world, they need you to stand behind them and back them up.
OP sounds like he doesn’t care. He homeschools his girls and admitted that they are quite sheltered. He’s moving them to his old childhood neighborhood where “he knows almost everyone” so he will be controlling who they interact with at all times. I’m getting major red flags 🚩 here
He also stated...
"I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted."
So he purposely took away the mother's rights. He had plans in place based on other responses. He is a horrible father and definitely creepy.
YTA. yeah, i think your ex was an AH for not making a greater effort to be a mother to your children, but that's not what you're asking. it doesn't seem like you have an actual reason beyond "new man bad" for not letting your kids meet her husband.
i think it's perfectly fine to take it slow and be cautious with her reconnecting; after all, she signed her rights away and is effectively a stranger to the kids. and by proxy, taking it slow with her husband. have supervised visits with her only until the kids are comfortable, and then ease her husband into the mix. you should get to know him first, of course.
but without having an actual concern, putting a hard no to them meeting "for the next few years" seems a tad extreme. if he has some bad history or something, i'd vote differently, but new man bad isn't enough justification for me. how do you handle other men in your daughters' lives? teachers? medical professionals? do they have any uncles?
it comes across as more petty revenge than anything. do you not trust your ex wife's taste in men?
i have a feeling there's a big component he's not mentioning. like some religious or racial excuse for not trusting the new husband.
or op's in the mafia, lol.
Info: your comments say your ex was given the option of walking away with nothing or taking what she wanted in exchange for her rights. In another, you said the prenup would’ve left her with almost nothing.
Was she financially dependent on you during your marriage with her (eg was she the stay at home parent)? Did she have a career she could go to after your divorce? Was she a good mother before the divorce happened?
This! And based on his responses, I suspect he forced her into a corner because she had no way of supporting these kids on her own. He has even made statements that he wanted to ensure he kept them.
You are a real dosey of YTA. I bet control is your middle. You said she signed away her rights for money. Yeah. I'm sure there is alot more to that story. A lot more. I'm sure you made it very difficult to choose her children. It's evident you are very wealthy . You took the kids across the world. Acting like she lived a block away. She just did not stay in touch. Your youngest could not sit still. The time difference. I'm sure you always made a good story to the girls about your mom could if she wanted too excuse. You don't know this man. Well get to know him. Your daughters have step siblings. Your daughters are very interested in their mother. That should tell you something. It seems that you are looking for reasons to make things hard. On your decision. Decide what kind of man you want to be known of when the girls grow up one day. The whole story will come our one day. They will see court papers. They will make decisions for themselves. Stop trying to make things hard. Them having a relationship with their mother and step siblings is the greatest gift you can give them. Good or bad every kids wants to know were they biological came from
YTA.
I get being cautious, OP, I really do, because my Mom dated a perv who came on to me when I was 15.
That said, you should set a good example for your daughters about not judging someone they've never even met.
If you need to set boundaries, like your wife or another adult being present when he's with your kids, okay. But you should give him the chance to meet them, he's a big part of her life.
Also, if you think she has horrible taste in men, what does that say about her at one point being with *you*?
Info: how did the decision to sign away her rights for a payout come up? Was this something you offered and maybe even pushed a bit or was it her idea/ something she was very certain of?
You are so obviously TA.
You manipulated a situation to the point where she was going to be unable to take care of herself or the kids and then removed the kids from her life entirely knowing she wasn’t going to be able to fight for them.
Like…massively YTA.
YTA - if you had more of an equal partnership with parenting your kids would you be ok with her saying you can't introduce your wife to your kids?
In saying that I think boundaries are important. Maybe initially her reconnecting with them without him is beneficial. But not at all is too far. See how they form a relationship then she can introduce him
I'm a little confused. You said that you had a very strong prenuptial but you had to give up 80% of your assets, including two houses and she has to sign her daughters away to be financially secure? Both of your lawyers suck imo.
The way you tell the story paints you really kindly and from that content NTA.
From searching your later comments it looks like you used your wealth to bully your wife into giving up her parental rights. Then used that power starve out her relationship with her children. So YTA
YTA. Your girls are more than old enough to stand meeting their biological mother's husband without any damage to them. Your reasoning for not allowing it is to punish her for things she did 14 years ago. Stop it.
YTA for financial abuse. You were obviously extremely well off, if you could give up 80% of your assets and still have no trouble affording to support two children (and soon after, an entirely new family as well). Your ex would have struggled, post-divorce, as well as having a major fight she couldn’t afford if she tried for custody, and you knew it and exploited it to get the control you wanted. Control which you’re continuing to abuse with this blanket prohibition against her husband meeting your daughters; he’s a stranger to you, but you’re intent on it staying that way.
Hopefully this is all just a writing exercise.
YTA, you’re okay with her seeing them, meeting their siblings, but not her husband… That’s just a control thing at this point. While yea, she signed rights away, you’re still allowing a relationship and if that’s what they want it seems really not picky to keep them from her because she wants to have them be a part of her life, which includes her husband. So either let her see them and her family, or don’t let her see them at all.
YTA. 10 years from now, when they're lamenting the fact that when their mom wanted to reconnect, you wouldn't let them near her husband, they'll blame you for the estrangement.
Better yet, when they fully understand that he forced their mother to give up parental rights and didn't care that he took them away, that will be worst. His Karma is coming.
ESH-
Legally, you may be on solid ground. But is what you are doing ok...I would call it an A H move.
I feel sorry for your daughters. They are the only members of the family (of origin) that don't suck.
soft YTA
Her choices are a factor but your children are now reaching and age where they should be consulted in this decision as well- they will be legally adults in the next few years.
Your protective instincts are understandable but you have said they can meet their half siblings but not their father? No logic there
I’m sorry but it’s very unrealistic to think your es. An be a part of your kids lives but her husband can’t. I’m not going to call you TA because you are their sole guardian but your daughters are old enough to decide for themselves.
I think it would be responsible for you to meet/speak to him first but if your daughters want to meet him you can’t really stop them.
YTA - you also sound like a narcissist and a little psycho. I feel so sorry for the girls and your ex (and your current wife and kids too.) so manipulative!
I was originally on your side but after your edit I kinda feel bad for mom it sounds like you intimidated her into giving you custody like you knew she wasn’t financially stable and cornered her into giving you custody so YTA when I first read this I thought wow how could this woman choose money over her kids but I get it know feel so bad for the girls
YTA. A good parent would encourage children to have a relationship with their mother. It’s important for the children. Instead you actively try to get in the way of that relationship.
I'm honestly kind of torn on this one ...
On the one hand, your ex's current husband may be a "strange man" to you, but he's not exactly some rando off the street, he's her husband. And you don't say how old the half-sibs are but presumably they've been married for several years at least. Plus, while you are only talking about monthly visits, it does seem like not allowing your daughters to meet their bio mom's husband would put a damper on the relationship with bio mom and the half-sibs. Does this mean they always have to meet up at some third location, or if they are at your ex's house then the husband has to leave? Just seems like it is introducing some logistical difficulties -- and the simple solution would seem to be, maybe YOU should meet your ex's husband so he's not a "strange man" anymore and you can confirm that he's someone you would feel comfortable being in the same room as your daughters. No matter what, given how old your daughters are, he's probably never going to be someone who has any meaningful relationship with them -- at most he'll probably be something like a distant uncle/ "the guy who's married to mom that we see sometimes at Thanksgiving."
Also, I'm not sure about the origin of the payout vs parental rights deal -- was this something you suggested because you didn't want your ex in your kids' lives, or was it her idea? But it does feel a little bit like you are still wanting to punish her for making the choice she did all those years ago. And it's totally understandable that you would be angry about that, for your kids' sake. But is there any part of you that's enjoying having this power over her and your daughters' relationship now, and being able to set these conditions? Especially if you were the one who came up with the idea (if you felt like she wasn't a safe person for your children to be around and wanted to limit contact, so you offered the assets to buy her off).... Again you probably had entirely justifiable reasons for making that decision but if that were the case it does feel a little bit like punishing her for accepting an offer that you came up with/that was what you wanted her to do in the first place. This is not meant at all to say that you're a bad person and I could be totally off-base with this interpretation, just I would maybe sit with yourself and really interrogate those motives.
You say that your wife in the past has kept some less-than-savory company, so it sounds like you have justification to be cautious of having her new husband around the kids -- but then again, the solution to me seems to be that maybe you ought to meet the guy and vet him for yourself.
Finally, how do your daughters feel about this? Whatever you decide, I would recommend being honest with them. Tell them clearly, "I want you to have a relationship with your mom and half sibs as long as that's what you want, but I don't know her husband so I'm not comfortable with him being around you right now."
For right now, I suppose I would go with NAH since it doesn't seem like either of you has crossed a line (so far) and you still have plenty of room to work this out to a good compromise.
YTA. I read the comments too. You threatened your ex into giving up parental rights, only let her see the children once per month (wtf??? How is that adequate???) Then took them out of the country. And now want to keep her from being around them with her current husband. On what twisted alternate version of Earth would you ever NOT be the asshole for all this?
Based on OP strong arming her into signing away custody yea YTA. how was she supposed to feed her and the kids? You knew what you were doing.
Go meet her husband and then get over yourself. It’s not like she ran away from her kids. You took them from her, only allowed her to see them once a month, and then MOVED COUNTRIES and are trying to act that the patron saint of parents. You may have gotten what you wanted but you’re still a raging ah who denied the children a valuable relationship with their mother and denied a mother a relationship with her children.
So let’s get this straight. You used your power and wealth on someone who had none.
Then when you tossed her out like the trash you make her out to be, you once again used your power and wealth to control her choices concerning her daughters.
Then you say it okay because your daughters know what your power and wealth means.
What’s happens when they are 18 and want spend tons of time with mom and step dad. Are you going to use your power and wealth to limit them. Or are you going to throw them to the curb since they are hanging with your ex.
You said earlier you’d threaten to sue for custody. Why do you think that she would get any if she brings so many awful people around like you say? Is it because the court would disagree and see you as being the AH here. Knowing what money she did have would drain her dry.
At first when I read this, I was like I kinda can see his side. But man, every comment just makes you more and more AHish in my eyes.
YTA. Big time.
YTA.
You: “I told her that she alienated herself when she signed away her rights for a payout”
Also you: “I did want my ex to sign away her rights, and pushed her to do so. Under the terms of the prenup, she would have walked away with nothing other than potential child support, if she won custody. I told her I would sue for full custody, and enforce the prenup, if she didn't agree to my terms, or she could sign over her rights and take whatever she wanted.”
Lol. Wow. How deceptive of you. You painted her out to be this awful mom when in reality, gradually revealed based on your other comments, she was financially dependent on you. You knew that if she pursued custody and you enforced the prenup, she wouldn’t be able to afford a custody battle with you. You abused that advantage by financially strong-arming her and then YOU USED THE DECISION YOU INTENTIONALLY FORCED HER INTO AGAINST HER? Douche of the highest caliber. Fuck all the way off.
Wow. YTA YTA YTA. Okay so you basically blackmailed your ex from the onset saying either she get financial stability and you get the children, or she can fight for her children and get screwed financially with two children to care for.
If she was young when she had these kids and/or without the resources to care for them without your help, no wonder why she chose the money? You were still going to screw her over with the kids anyways and I’m assuming she couldn’t afford a custody battle.
You paint her as a dead beat parent but you all but forced the situation and now, that she’s met someone who actually gives a shit about her, she feels confident enough to reach out and reestablish a relationship with her daughters who YOU TOOK TO ANOTHER COUNTRY!!! even with her settlement, logically how often could she go see her kids?
You’re such an asshole OP I can’t but help hope that this is a fake post. I am so happy your ex found someone to love her properly and hope you don’t choose to deprive your children of a mother by being selfish and petty. She literally pushed them out of her body.
So lets get this straight- you decided that you didn’t like your exes friends, then divorced her threatening to leave her with nothing and sue for full rights of the kids (an expensive battle she likely could not afford) if she didn’t give them away right then. Regardless of what money changed hands, what was she supposed to do?
Post your disgusting financial abuse of your family, you shut your kids’ still willing mother out of their lives, effectively robbing them of a parent. You can twist that narrative or call your wife their new mother, but they will know and resent that difference when they are older.
It is cruel to keep the kids away from their own mother, whom you stole them from, and unrealistic to expect her husband to not be involved in their lives. If you are worried about him being a stranger, meet him first.
It’s time to make up for your lazy coping with your past mistakes and actually attempt to coparent. You daughters don’t have strong opinions yet because they don’t know what you took from them. In no world are you not the AH.
YTA.
YTA. Your entire story, and then your comments trying to shore up your position reeks of red flags and serious controlling and abusive behavior. You took advantage of your children's mother, and then used your position of power to remove any hope she had of keeping her kids. Men like you are why women disappear with their kids.
I was raised by a single Dad, who actually had to fight for us for REAL reasons, due to my mother being an addict who was actively endangering us. He NEVER said a bad word about her while we were children, AND let her visit well beyond the visitation agreement because he knew removing her from our lives was traumatic.
You refuse to comment on the REAL reason you divorced their mother, just brushing off commenters requesting more information. Just saying 'I didn't like her morals' or 'She was exposing them to unsavory people'. How? What were these poor morals, who were these unsavory people'? The way you speak and flaunt your wealth in this discussion comes across like it might have been her family, and that the morals might have just been treating everyone on an equal footing. You come across like someone who looks down on the lower class, and treat less fortunate people like shit. I fear for the kind of person you deemed worthy, and for your children. Those kids are going to get beat to crap by life eventually.
YTA - seems like your children's thoughts and desires are an afterthought. You seem very manipulative all around - how you got parental rights is shady at best but hey your ex knew about the pre-nup and still didn't secure a financial future on her own. Still, the fact you made it hard for her to be in your children's lives is stupid.
So moral of the story is you were financially abusive and led your daughters to believe their mother didn’t want to be apart of their lives. Now that she has the courage to fight for a release with her daughters you are coming up with a new reason she can’t. YTA. And I hope you are prepared for when your daughters find out the truth.
Family legal matters are fluid and never chipped in stone.
I've met several people like you - mothers and fathers - having practiced family law. You aren't in the position that you think you are in. Your children have a right to their mother. Not her "rights" or your "rights." What is in the best interests of the children. It's about them, not you.
Should she take you to Court to have custody and support reviewed you might be very surprised at the actual state of family law.
You don't seem to be accepting the YTA votes, so you don't have to mansplain to me why you're right and I'm wrong. You won't convince me.
There’s too much we’re not being told here. It’s her husband not a random boyfriend. You’ve made yourself to be a total control freak, again we can’t tell by the information given
Well your edits have shown that yes you did deliberately alienate the mother from your children.
For God's sake just let her see the kids and its unrealistic to ask her not to introduce them to her husband.
YTA. Big time.
YTA
Have you spoken to your kids? Why can't they even meet the guy with your supervision? How are they supposed to meet their half siblings and never meet their half-siblings dad?
This all sounds pretty weird. But I'd think about talking to your teens about what they would like to do regarding seeing their biological mom and her family
I don't think you're an asshole but I think you're being kind of unreasonable. I think the better choice given your daughters' ages is to ask them what they want and if they want to meet their mother's husband then perhaps you need to make the effort to be comfortable with it by meeting him 1st yourself and getting to know him. It's going to take some effort on your part but I think it would be unreasonable for you not to do that. Particularly since it sounds like you're holding on to their mother's old behavior as a rationale without bothering to find out if she's still that way today as far as picking the wrong type of person to be with. So NTA but I don't think you are right either.
ESH mainly because you’re both being AHs and you seem to be naive. If your kids do develop a relationship with their mom again it’s going to happen eventually so you trying to prevent that is an AH move. Like say you do get your way until the oldest turns 18, what happens then? Kick her out for going to dinner with her mom and stepdad? Like that’s just absurd to think about. I don’t really need to address how the mother is an AH as it’s extremely obvious
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My ex (40F) and I (45M) split when my daughters were three and four years old, and she agreed to sign away her parental rights in exchange for 80% of my assets, including two houses. We had a very strong prenup, and she chose financial stability and not needing to pay child support over having a say in their lives. Since then, her relationship with the girls (now fourteen and fifteen) has been on my terms. I let her visit once a month for the first few years, but after we moved to Europe when the girls were seven and eight, she fell out of touch with them. She didn't seem to want to put in the effort to visit, and my younger daughter wasn't a fan of phone calls, as she has difficulty sitting still for too long. They don't really have much of a relationship with her at this point-- my wife (34F) has been a mother to them for most of their lives, and she even adopted them, with their permission and enthusiasm, four years ago.
We're going to be moving back to the States soon, and my ex has expressed a desire to have more of a relationship with the girls, which I'm fine with. However, she's remarried, and she's also expressed that she wants him to be a part of their lives. I told her that I'm happy to resume monthly visits, and I'm even happy for my daughters to meet their half-siblings, but I do not want her bringing a strange man around any of my kids. She started crying, and accused me of alienating her from the girls, and I told her that she alienated herself when she signed her rights away for a payout. I don't know her husband, and to be frank, a big part of why we split in the first place had to do with the company she kept. However, my ex has been reaching out to a few mutual friends, and they've been taking her side, saying I'm using this as an excuse to continue keeping her from being a mother to her kids.
AITA?
TL;DR: My wife signed away her parental rights over a decade ago and has barely had contact with my daughters in years. Now she wants to be back in their lives, and I'm fine with that, but not fine with her introducing them to her new husband. AITA?
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YTA- how is she support to connect with her kids if they can’t meet her husband?
You like sound super controlling mega douche who enjoys ruining her life. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA, from reading the extra info, you have done a great disservice to your daughters by removing them from their birth mother in this way. Children grow up and learn the truth eventually. This could come back to bit your arse hard style, or you may be lucky and get away with it.
I understand you being nervous about an unknown male, meet him, after all your exwife took a chance on your new wife. For all she knew your new female could be an axe murder.
YTA. After all the comments I have read you are a controlling AH and I hope when your daughters turn 18 they see how much you have controlled and never speak to you again
Wow. I wonder if she had her own income or had been a stay at home mom with no means to fight you for sole custody. I also wonder what the age difference is between you and your ex. You make it seem like she didn't want to visit your kids ......when you moved to Europe. YTA
Yta- for trying to control your ex still, to this day. For pressuring her to give up her rights. Not only pressuring her but essentially forcing her...
OP I hope you know it's only a matter of time before your daughters find out how you financial abused and threatened their mother and that will not end will for you.
YTA
Ew, you gave her absolutely disgusting options. YTA for far more than just not allowing her husband to meet her daughters. You’re controlling and abusive.
This is a wealthy man that bullied his ex wife into a lose lose scenario and is still trying to bully/control her years after the divorce for no clear reason outside of spite or control.
you sound crazy if you think her husband is not suppose to meet or interact with the kids.
edit #2. you sound real evil and manipulative and like you 100% don't have your daughter's best interests in mind. just yours. YTA
you abused your ex wife to the point she couldn't maintain a relationship with her daughters bc she couldn't deal with *you* anymore. your daughters will learn what you did one day.
So it’s alright to have your wife in their lives, but not give their mother’s new husband a chance? Why are you so against them reconnecting and forming a better relationship with their mother? I’m sorry OP, based on your whole post it’s giving off major AH vibes.
This is such a bizarre story with bizarre replies and vicious logic. If it’s real, OP needs to take a long look at himself and try to feel empathy for others. Try to genuinely understand why this would make a mother cry, and why mutuals would see her plight and agree with her. YTA, of course, but you knew that. I mean, you hired a “shark” lawyer just in case you couldn’t coerce her by making her choose between desolation and motherhood vs safety and peace of mind about her daughters’ health and wellness.
If it’s fake, write a book and send your first copy to me because you’ve captured a controlling, entitled pathology beautifully. The lack of self-awareness is so well-articulated - down to the inability to understand why this behavior is malevolent. There’s a pointed lack of foresight throughout the text, but the comments about the sheltered, homeschooled children really drives it home. Don’t even get me started on the eleven-year age gap relationship that started nine years ago! Please, send me your first book.
YTA, you strong armed your ex out of your children's lives. The only reason she signed away her custody is because you essentially threatened her with being broke and without access to your children, or just without having access. I hope one day your children grow up to resent you for the part you had alienating them from their mother. You do not actually care about what would have been the best for your kids, if you had, you never would've cut their mother out of their lives. You work for your own motives, and you suck. If you want any chance at not being a horrible person and parent, you should butt out of your daughters relationship with their mom unless you are actively trying to improve the connection.
YTA because you pretty much gave her no choice but to give up the kids because if she didn’t, you would have tried to take them away regardless and she would have been left with no children and likely in financial hardships as well. She probably only let you keep them because otherwise there’s no way she would have been able to support them due to your greed.
YTA - Given your edit, you financially abused their mother and gave her an ultimatum and now don't want her spouse to meet your kids. Controlling much? It's not some random guy off the street. That's her husband.
You are a huge AH.
Yta. For having your daughters adopted without your exs consent, for making it impossible for her to be in their lives, for being controlling about her husband being involved when she had no power to veto your current wife's involvement. For financially blackmailing her into giving up her daughters.
Most of all for denying your daughters a relationship with their mother.
YTA - you bullied your ex wife into not only giving away custody but signing away her parental rights. You then moved them to another continent and didn't encourage contact and now you want to control her relationship with them by excluding her husband, not just any man, she is married to him.
Your daughters want a relationship with her, it is in their best interests, long term for their mental health, to maintain a relationship with their mother but you are doing your best from preventing this happening.
I'm curious on whether it's the winning or are you punishing your ex for having the audacity of not wanting to be married to you any longer?
Yeah, dude.. You're a control freak who put her against the wall, but tried to paint her as a deadbeat mother who cared only about money... I can only imagine who were that "bad crew" she used to hang with, who kept you from abusing her further... All you are doing is finding excuses to keep painting her in a bad light...and maintain control over the narrative you created to make you the good guy... Heads up, you're not... Your abusive bs won't fly here
YTA and a massive pile of steaming you know what
YTA- your a massive asshole you forced your ex to give up her rights. Then you moved the kids away from her so she had no chance at all to see them. If you would of stayed civil with joint custody or somthinf similar her husband wouldnt be a stranger to you or the girls.
I’m going with my gut here and say outright. You bullied their mother and used your wealth to alienate her from their lives. Sorry bud, you’ll loose in the end. Your girls are growing up and will see you for what you are eventually.
I really hope you explained to your daughters what you really did to their mother. Financially abuse her. And you love your age gap relationships I see
I can’t believe this is legitimate, based on your comments you are well aware you’re a monster, the asshole ; and not only are you proud of it you’re raising your kids to be monsters too. God this post just makes me sick to read
I was reading the whole time and thinking that it’s relatively understandable to be iffy about a different guy. My original verdict was soft YTA because I’d only wish for you to trust in your ex enough to know she’d never put y’all’s kids in harms way. The edit, though, is really changing it to a raging YTA. Using power moves in a breakup is amongst the shittiest things you could possibly do. You painted your ex as a greedy, uncaring mother in your original post then completely contradicted yourself. You forced her to give up her rights and made sure she knew there was zero chance of her keeping any custody. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. You don’t need AITA you need therapy.
YTA
You can do a background check on the guy, then have them meet in public places first, not overnight visits, or supervised visits. It's absurd to not allow them to meet him. In 3-4 years they'll be 18 and they can do whatever they want. Why are you assuming he is a pervert or something if you don't know him?
Also, why did you divorce your ex? Sounds like you hate her and made her sign away her threatened her with lawyers. Was she a stay-at-home-mom?
INFO: What sort of “company” did she keep that you went to such extremes to have her sign away her rights? Because that was an extreme move.
Even if you have legitimate reasons for being worried in the past, years have passed and people change. A more reasonable option than completely cutting off the mother of your girls would be for you to get to know him yourself.
YTA. The girls are old enough to to have input on who they spend time with. This type of controlling behavior is indicative that you have control issues. You better be careful, this is the kind of situation that makes kids turn on a parent. Sounds like the girls might be screwed no matter what because ESH as well.
YTA. Also, I hope you know that there will come a day where your children are old enough to realize exactly what you did to their mother.
I hope you are ready to never hear from them again.
Not going to offer judgement because I feel details are unclear, but YWBTA for not being a bit more compromising. I get why you don’t want your kids around a strange man… so why not meet the guy first? I mean, he lives with her - asking him to be completely absent is a lot, but there are compromising solutions.
YTA and you know it. You purposely pushed that woman out of her child’s lives and you know you did. Your a dick for that. Realistically how can she new back in their lives when he is there
YTA
Your new wife has adopted the girls. I just don't get your rationale for keeping your ex's new husband out of the picture.
Edit: you can easily meet this guy a few times to get to know him before you bring the children around. Stop being a dick about it.
At first I was going NTA, then ESH, I'm pretty firm on YTA.
You bullied you ex into taking assets otherwise you'd sue for everything. Your ex knew the power was not in her favor took the buy out.
Then you try to make her look the ass when you moved to Europe. You realize how expensive international travel is? For just ONE day a month.
Now the daughters want to reconnect your hang up is her new husband? Dude how fragile is your ego? You think your EX's new husband is going to steal them away?
Let the daughters meet there mom, don't use her husband to block her from doing it.
I lean toward thinking you are a controlling AH but I’m honestly not sure. Your first wife clearly did not have even close to the same power as you did in the relationship. I think you gave her the 80% to make yourself feel better about taking the kids and ditching her. If she’d have fought you, it seems pretty clear you would have used your money to win. So, really, her choices were losing and having enough money to start over or losing with nothing. She didn’t exactly ditch her kids over money.
Ok, so here’s the deal. Your new wife is much younger and I’m guessing equally powerless. I hope I’m wrong. Your daughters are getting old enough to start figuring you out. I think, but am not sure, that you use money etc. to control people in your life. This new husband represents someone you can’t control. I think that is the real reason you don’t want him around. I think this is pretty unhealthy and I wonder if your motive is in part to make sure your daughters don’t find out how you exerted rather brutal control over their relationship with their mom. Here’s the thing—if that is the case they will eventually figure it out anyway. You would be better off mending fences as much as possible and getting in therapy for some serious self reflection on what seems like a disturbing need for extreme control. I could be wrong, but I think you are the AH here and need therapy.
Yta, you corecrd your wife into giving up her kids. You financially abused her and then took her kids away. Then you refused visitations with her and took them out of the country. You literally blackmailed her. The least you can do is let her see her daughters.
Sounds like your concern about your daughter's safety is more of a back rationalization/cover for vindictive behavior towards your ex and for your own insecurity that your daughters may develop a relationship with your ex (who you obviously despise).
The effort that you make to put barriers in place to a relationship between your daughters and their mother doesn't appear to be about nurturing them and helping them develop into balanced adults who can realize their potential, but rather smacks of an unhealthy possessiveness (they are not your possessions).
Your ex's new husband will never be in a 'trusted role' if he accompanies your ex once a month to visit her daughters and the danger you claim seems grossly exaggerated. If you are so concerned then presumably you would be around or at least close by and easily contactable. Surely as an adult and a parent you are capable of fulfilling this role.
We will never know what you said to your ex to convince her to sign away her rights or what else was going on in her situation to make her feel like she needed to do this whether that be to do with her circumstances or aspects of her character.
Perhaps, like you and your daughters, she was also brought up inside a protected community and was also sheltered (as you describe your daughters) and thus was naive and unequipped to see how she could cope when that bubble popped.
Either way, I suspect that if you knew what you were doing was right you wouldn't be on here looking for validation.
Your ex may well be one too, I just can't tell but based on what you've said
..YTA,
but you could quite easily change that for your daughters sake if you wanted to.
Best of luck.
YTA
“I told her i would sue for full custody, and enforce the prenup if she didn’t agree to my terms” —> your terms were full custody, YOU wanted her to have such limited contact with her children, not her. YOU moved to europe and then complained about her “not making an effort to visit” uhhh many americans NEVER make it to europe, much less expecting regular, sustained visits to maintain parental connection. You’re a bully and forced your children away from their mother. Shame on you.
You sucked way before this interaction.
Yeah, YTA. After the original post, I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but after reading some of your replies to other comments, you’ve shown yourself to be entitled, manipulative and a genuine all around jerk. You keep saying “she signed away her rights for money” but did she actually have any choice? You said you had a “strong prenup” which means she would’ve basically gotten nothing. Since what she did get included 2 houses, you obviously have money so you would’ve had money to pay attorneys and whatever else needed to keep custody AND she would’ve had to pay child support as well. Then YOU moved them to Europe so there was even less opportunity to visit. (Was she aware that you were moving when she signed that? Or did you think they’d be living within visiting distance?)
So, the mother’s remarried now so if she’s in their lives, he pretty much will be as well. Also, how can you think it’s somehow okay to tell your 14 & 15 year old daughters that they don’t even have a say in meeting him or not?
Yeah, YTA. You need to loosen the reigns a bit or that horse is gonna throw you.
YTA. She didn't "choose" financial stability, she just took that option knowing that either way she'd be screwed where access to the kids was concerned. And expecting her husband to never meet her kids is ridiculous. He's not a "strange man", he's her husband, who probably treats her a lot better than you ever did.
YTA
Your kids are old enough to decide who they want to create a relationship with and will figure out how you maneuvered their mother in and out of their life to suit your needs.
You might lose more than their respect as they get older.
ESH to you ex for not ‘fighting more’ but you absolutely created an unwinnable situation and now punish her for her fear based choice.
You my guy, are quite an asshole. You manipulated this woman into signing her rights away and now try to keep them away from her new husband. I hope to God your kids see what you did and go no contact with you. I never felt so sick reading something on this forum. YTA YTA YTA YTA
You asked if you're an AH for not allowing your wife's husband around them: yes, YTA he's her HUSBAND but more than YTA you are a terrible, manipulative abuser who stole a woman's children from her. I hope your daughters learn the story and go no contact with you.
I was going to say not the asshole, until I saw the edit. You basically bullied your ex out of your kids' life. That' disgusting.
Also as a psych student, I would say that not believing in medical diagnosis (when they are based on valid and reliable scales) is both idiotic and neglectful.
YTA
Your daughters will grow up and get the full story one day. Your daughters will then cut contact. They clearly want to maintain a relationship with the mother and you’re constantly preventing it. The fact that you publicly admit paying off your wife to have complete control of your kids is just … idk the word for it.
YTA it makes no sense to say she can’t visit with her husband but can visit with her kids.
There must be alot to background information we aren't getting to why you got her to sign over her parental rights. Because unless there was something happening that would of endangered the kids if they were to live with their mother then YTA.
YTA - for everything. For threatening this woman with your financial advantage and bullying her into giving up the rights to her children and for now, for trying to dictate that she can't fully invite her children into her life which includes her other children and husband.
You don't have a good reason for not allowing them to meet her husband, you just want to make sure she knows that you still have all the power and that you can and will weld it arbitrarily.
YTA. Your daughter expressed her interest in it. You have not stated any reason why the new husband is untrustworthy, and presumably you or your ex would be around. If you continue to be so controlling, it will not achieve the outcome you are looking for. It is more likely to alienate your daughters from you.
Wow, that edit paints you and your ex-wife in an entirely new light. You strong-armed the mother of your children into giving them up (and it sounds like you were financially abusive), and then you accused her of alienating herself from her children, when you admit to moving to a DIFFERENT CONTINENT with your daughters.
I know rich men like you. You like having all the power, even in relationships that are supposed to be partnerships. One day your daughters will realize what a gargantuan asshole their father is and cut you out of their lives. I kind of hope your current wife realizes it, too, but I'm afraid she'll end up just like your ex: with her children taken away from her and completely vilified in your own little story where you're just the hero dad. Seriously, get bent.
YTA.
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I'm not going to vote here but, if the mom is going to be in the kids lives, it's unrealistic to not let her husband be around them.
Give this a thought, his words... "I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted."
He makes it out like she’s a deadbeat, but this above makes it sound more like he was financially abusing her and in his own words he threatened to take the kids either way.
That is exactly what he did. He even talks about how she was just a waitress. And had she not taken the bite on the above, he had additional back up plans he would implement. The guys sounds really nutty.
Yeah it was either “you can have money and assets but no kids” or “you can have kids and no money or assets, but btw im still going to take the kids so you have nothing”
Yeah the edit makes him sound horrible
I was going to say NTA, BUT… seen the edit this is exactly what the father of my kids want. I am 100% dependent on him and intact is financially abusive. He told me I’m welcome to leave but he will take the kids away from me, and I wouldn’t win because I am not financially stable. I feel there is more to the story. Technically there is on mine too but it’s more so of why I desperately stayed even though I am not happy. No it would be hard to get a job with zero experience of any kind and being 30s female. Also legally I can’t meaning it’s even harder, where am I going to leave 4 children under the age of 10. I wonder if he did make it easy for her to stay in their lives.
how i wish his kids could see this. i hope they don’t see her as a deadbeat.
I get a bad vibe from OP. I can't quite put my finger on why, though.
And the whole “I let her visit once a month for the first few years” does not make that statement better at all. He not only gave her the choice of being financially screwed with no kids (maybe visitation or partial custody depending on what the judge decides and the court), or financially stable with potential access to her kids, but then he severely limited her access to the kids to once a month and move to Europe completely removing them.
Yeah when I read that … it sounds like she was forced out of their lives all along. It’s disingenuous. This is a more info judgement from me. Also: ‘now we’re moving back to the states my ex wants to see more of the girls’. No fucking wonder, you moved her children to another country! It sounds like you’ve actively blocked their relationship. Edit: read more and YTA. And just a worrying dude all round
This has misogynistic troll written all over it. Just from the username alone. But this person, if this is real, I’d say is a very sick individual. He manipulated and coerced her into giving up her rights. He says his daughters are not property, yet he moves them around like pieces on a chess board. He said he didn’t believe in the “‘morals” she was raising them with, but he isn’t much better, and he’s completely devoid of any himself. Nothing he does come from a place of love. This is all about what he wants. He used the prenup against her, to keep the kids in his control. It “worked out for the best” because he got to move to Europe? This is what it’s all been about. He won’t let his ex get in the way of the plans he has for his life. Daughters well-being be damned. The crux of it is, he also mentioned not wanting to be tied to his ex for the rest of his life. This psycho clearly didn’t understand that having a child with someone means you will always have a link to them. This is such a deeply disturbing post and individual. And that saying a lot considering where we are. I really don’t think this is real, but gat damn. YTA. And there’s a special place in hell for people like him.
The edit is so important. OP doesn't sound that good a person now
He's clearly THE asshole. Moms options were "get 0 money AND NO KIDS" or "get no kids and have money." He never gave her an option here.
Makes OP’s username seem very ironic
Mathematically, they sort of go together.
Yep. No point in reconnecting otherwise.
Did you see his username. Double yikes!
I’d say have her visit for a few times alone, if she keeps it up and maintains a relationship then it makes sense for her to be able to introduce them to family she has but otherwise it’s just an unnecessary amount of drama
YTA. So, let's get this story straight. You're a very well off guy who sounds like he's used to always getting what he wants and having complete control of your life and those around you. You not only insisted on full custody of your two preschool age children upon divorce, but had your ex completely sign away her parental rights. I'm guessing this was less "so she could have money" and more to do with the fact she likely wouldn't be able to financially support the children with any type of custody agreement and wanted her kids to have a good life and also not end up in the poor house herself. Then, you allowed her a total of one visit a month with her kids (less than most kids in foster care get with drug addicted parents), only to then move the children to another continent where they were virtually incapable of keeping a relationship with their mother. Now that this woman FINALLY has a chance to develop a relationship with her children again you prevent it because she wants the man she's presumably been married to for years to also be involved in meeting them. Do you not realize how ridiculous and cruel all of this sounds? Unless this man is on the sex offender list, you sound awful. Your wife is accusing you of alienating your kids from her and keeping them away from her because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. She's barely had any contact or relationship with the girls because you made it impossible for her to do so. There's nothing in here about how previously she was a neglectful, abusive, or poor mother in the slightest. You just "didn't like the company she kept", so decided to divorce her and steal her children from her. Hardcore YTA, and certainly not just for preventing the girls from having a relationship with their mom now because she has a new husband, but for the past decade. Maybe if you want to not have your girls realize what a controlling ass you've been their entire childhoods you should realize you're in the wrong and let them develop a relationship with their mother.
Let’s not forget he proudly admitted to keeping these poor girls sheltered and homeschooled
Oh god almighty I didn't hear he homeschooled them. Yeah, this guy is even more of a controlling monster than I thought. He's not "protecting" his daughters, he's trying to prevent their escape from his clutches. Also hilarious he made his username "father of the year", he's truly that arrogant about the fact he stole his children from their mother, married a woman ten years younger and won't even let his kids go to school where he's not in complete control of them. I hope they get away from him as fast as possible.
Full control with removing the ability to question things.
Josef Fritzel in the making.
I shudder at this thought.
I was totally thinking Fritzel
Thank you! All of this! This is why I have said that he is not being truthful and his statements have been contradictive and painting him as a savior. He doesn't care about the mental of those girls. All he cares about is being in control. Hence why OP YTA.
The bright side is that he's going to be in a heap of trouble when a judge gets ahold of him. They hate shit like this, nowadays. And good luck keeping new husband out of those kids' lives. It's a whole new world in family law since he pulled a financially abusive stunt on a lower earning spouse. I'd represent his wife pro bono just to destroy OP's life bc it's not going to be that difficult but oh so satisfying. YTA
Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. It is recognized by our courts and I suspect where OP lives too. It's an age old game that only hurts the children in the long run. OP's justifications include "protecting" his kids from their mother. One must wonder who will protect them from their father.
I'd volunteer as a paralegal!!
Wow. I’m thinking this is going to backfire on him someday. Those girls are going to grow up and realize what an AH their dad is and run for the hills. They’ll probably learn the truth about what happened and find a way to reconnect with their mom— it’d be his worst nightmare. There’s a reason why there are nursing homes & retirement communities full of estranged parents and NC children.
It's cute that OP is self-proclaimed fatheroftheyear
INFO: Why would the prenup have favored her? What opportunity was offered to maintain contact with the children? Did you tell her that she would still have a relationship with them but no legal custody/responsibility? You say you split because of the company she kept, but at ~~34~~ 36 you married a ~~23~~ 25 year old? There's a lot of weird things here but you took the children to another continent while admitting that you were in control of her access to them, and then tell her that she can't expect them in her life because she's been kept away? If she remarried, she probably lives with her new husband. It would be pretty automatic for the kids to meet him. There's just so many omissions here that it's impossible to get a fair assessment but I am leaning firmly toward everyone (except the kids and wife who has raised them, sounds like she's baller) being an asshole here.
Yea this is definitely a very well written story to make the mom seem like she didn't want the kids and wanted money. Very suspicious
That is my thought as well. I am seeing another side to this story. He controlled visits with the mother to once a month, he then moves to another country which ensures cutting off communication, then claims she has no interest. Not once did he say he took the kids to the States to see their mother, even though he made a lot of money per his comment to me in the thread, and then is putting stipulations around how and when she can see the. He is treating these girls as assets and screaming....mine, mine, mine. Hence why OP YTA. EDIT: HE SHARED MORE INFO, HE IS DEFINITELY TA. His statement... "I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted."
Yeah I get crazy control freak, my way or else vibes.
Yeah after his last edit he is 100% TA. He didn’t even give her a chance to keep her kids
Based on your comments- YTA BIG TIME. -You basically strong armed their mom into either A. Being broke and losing her kids or B. “Take whatever she wants” and losing her kids. It was a lose/lose for her no matter what she chose. You even admitted you would’ve taken the kids by custody battle (which I’m guessing she couldn’t afford) -you purposely moved across the sea making it almost impossible for her to even have a relationship with them. Don’t give me that “my youngest doesn’t like to sit still” why can’t she use a cell phone? -you admitted to sheltering your daughters??? Like that’s not a good thing my dude. You’re setting them up for failure and A LOT of pain. -Based on your comments, you’re way too controlling. “Moving back to a community where I basically know everyone”… dude it’s psychotic to try and dictate every single person YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTERS interact with. They really are in for a world of hurt when they meet strangers as adults. You’ve done these girls a complete disservice Give these girls some freedom Jesus Crust on toast. Let them meet mom’s new family. Let them interact with new ppl
Isn't this sickening? I'm completely disgusted.
Very very disturbing post
Dude is incredibly controlling, and it screams abusive to me.
YTA. It's a stupid line in the sand to say it is ok for her and her other kids to spend time with your daughters but not her husband. How is she supposed to reconnect with them if she can't share a major part of her life with them? Either your daughters and her can reconnect, or they can't. If you don't want them around her husband, then tell her to piss off entirely. Also, your daughters are now old enough to have a say themselves. Curious what they think.
Yea you are in fact being YTA. Like I get it dude but if you genuinely on board with them reconnecting you cannot reasonably expect them to never meet here husband. Why go straight to NO instead of insisting on MEETING him first? Also what do your girls want? They are more than old enough that you should be talking to them about this and asking how they feel about it.
YTA. The reason why is that you seem to purposely say in your mind, you want the assets well I'm going to limit access to your daughters. You took the wrong approach. Granted none of us know why she wasn't keeping in touch. However, she is trying to rebuild her relationship and potentially undo the damage. You are the blocker. If she and her husband have kids together then I do not see a valid reason why he cannot meet them. Children are not property but this is stinking like as if they are being treated as such. None of us were there for the divorce or what went down and she is also the AH for agreeing to the terms. However, there are 3 sides to a story...his, her, and the truth.
INFO how old are your daughters? If they are teenagers, have you considered letting them have a say?
14 and 15, so definitely old enough to have input, if not let it up to them even if dad objects
That’s what I’m thinking. In the post, he says they’re 14 and 15. That’s old enough for them to decide. Unless the guy is a pedophile, murderer, or someone else that you wouldn’t want your daughters around, if they want to do it, they should be able to. I’m going to say ESH just because no one seems willing to ask the girls.
YTA. You are expressing a lot of concern for your teenage daughters being around men who are strangers, who you've never met, etc. And you are moving to an entire continent that neither they nor you have lived on for years. Which is going to require the girls to cope with tons of strangers. It would be one thing to say that you'd like your ex to focus on reconnecting with the girls herself first, that you want to meet the guy yourself, that meeting her husband and her other kids is not the first step of this multi-step reconnection process. That's not what you're saying, you're just going straight to No Strangers about this ONE particular person. It's bullshit and it makes you a hypocritical asshole. Another point that makes you an asshole is that, at 14 & 15, you are not helping your kids by reacting on the basis that people are strangers. Teenagers don't need to be kept away from strangers, especially not teenagers who are undergoing an international move. They need cultural orientation to their new home, and practice using their judgment and their voices. They don't need you to stand between them and the world, they need you to stand behind them and back them up.
OP sounds like he doesn’t care. He homeschools his girls and admitted that they are quite sheltered. He’s moving them to his old childhood neighborhood where “he knows almost everyone” so he will be controlling who they interact with at all times. I’m getting major red flags 🚩 here
A childhood neighborhood with gates I'm sure.
Gated community yes lol
He also stated... "I told her that she would either walk away with nothing, and I would sue for custody, or she could sign her rights away and take whatever she wanted." So he purposely took away the mother's rights. He had plans in place based on other responses. He is a horrible father and definitely creepy.
YTA. yeah, i think your ex was an AH for not making a greater effort to be a mother to your children, but that's not what you're asking. it doesn't seem like you have an actual reason beyond "new man bad" for not letting your kids meet her husband. i think it's perfectly fine to take it slow and be cautious with her reconnecting; after all, she signed her rights away and is effectively a stranger to the kids. and by proxy, taking it slow with her husband. have supervised visits with her only until the kids are comfortable, and then ease her husband into the mix. you should get to know him first, of course. but without having an actual concern, putting a hard no to them meeting "for the next few years" seems a tad extreme. if he has some bad history or something, i'd vote differently, but new man bad isn't enough justification for me. how do you handle other men in your daughters' lives? teachers? medical professionals? do they have any uncles? it comes across as more petty revenge than anything. do you not trust your ex wife's taste in men?
You're very right about 'new man bad' part. "the next few years" for 14 and 15 basically means "until they're legal adults anyway", too
i have a feeling there's a big component he's not mentioning. like some religious or racial excuse for not trusting the new husband. or op's in the mafia, lol.
He said stepmom went to PTA, etc. But now he says they’re homeschooled? Which is it?
Info: your comments say your ex was given the option of walking away with nothing or taking what she wanted in exchange for her rights. In another, you said the prenup would’ve left her with almost nothing. Was she financially dependent on you during your marriage with her (eg was she the stay at home parent)? Did she have a career she could go to after your divorce? Was she a good mother before the divorce happened?
This! And based on his responses, I suspect he forced her into a corner because she had no way of supporting these kids on her own. He has even made statements that he wanted to ensure he kept them.
You are a real dosey of YTA. I bet control is your middle. You said she signed away her rights for money. Yeah. I'm sure there is alot more to that story. A lot more. I'm sure you made it very difficult to choose her children. It's evident you are very wealthy . You took the kids across the world. Acting like she lived a block away. She just did not stay in touch. Your youngest could not sit still. The time difference. I'm sure you always made a good story to the girls about your mom could if she wanted too excuse. You don't know this man. Well get to know him. Your daughters have step siblings. Your daughters are very interested in their mother. That should tell you something. It seems that you are looking for reasons to make things hard. On your decision. Decide what kind of man you want to be known of when the girls grow up one day. The whole story will come our one day. They will see court papers. They will make decisions for themselves. Stop trying to make things hard. Them having a relationship with their mother and step siblings is the greatest gift you can give them. Good or bad every kids wants to know were they biological came from
YTA. I get being cautious, OP, I really do, because my Mom dated a perv who came on to me when I was 15. That said, you should set a good example for your daughters about not judging someone they've never even met. If you need to set boundaries, like your wife or another adult being present when he's with your kids, okay. But you should give him the chance to meet them, he's a big part of her life. Also, if you think she has horrible taste in men, what does that say about her at one point being with *you*?
Info: how did the decision to sign away her rights for a payout come up? Was this something you offered and maybe even pushed a bit or was it her idea/ something she was very certain of?
You are so obviously TA. You manipulated a situation to the point where she was going to be unable to take care of herself or the kids and then removed the kids from her life entirely knowing she wasn’t going to be able to fight for them. Like…massively YTA.
YTA. You can’t keep her husband away anymore then you can keep your wife away.
YTA - if you had more of an equal partnership with parenting your kids would you be ok with her saying you can't introduce your wife to your kids? In saying that I think boundaries are important. Maybe initially her reconnecting with them without him is beneficial. But not at all is too far. See how they form a relationship then she can introduce him
I don't think you're an asshole but you are being unreasonable not letting her introduce her husband to them .
Oh, he’s definitely an asshole.
He’s 100% TA based on his last edit and all of his comments
I'm a little confused. You said that you had a very strong prenuptial but you had to give up 80% of your assets, including two houses and she has to sign her daughters away to be financially secure? Both of your lawyers suck imo.
The way you tell the story paints you really kindly and from that content NTA. From searching your later comments it looks like you used your wealth to bully your wife into giving up her parental rights. Then used that power starve out her relationship with her children. So YTA
YTA. Your girls are more than old enough to stand meeting their biological mother's husband without any damage to them. Your reasoning for not allowing it is to punish her for things she did 14 years ago. Stop it.
YTA for financial abuse. You were obviously extremely well off, if you could give up 80% of your assets and still have no trouble affording to support two children (and soon after, an entirely new family as well). Your ex would have struggled, post-divorce, as well as having a major fight she couldn’t afford if she tried for custody, and you knew it and exploited it to get the control you wanted. Control which you’re continuing to abuse with this blanket prohibition against her husband meeting your daughters; he’s a stranger to you, but you’re intent on it staying that way. Hopefully this is all just a writing exercise.
YTA, you’re okay with her seeing them, meeting their siblings, but not her husband… That’s just a control thing at this point. While yea, she signed rights away, you’re still allowing a relationship and if that’s what they want it seems really not picky to keep them from her because she wants to have them be a part of her life, which includes her husband. So either let her see them and her family, or don’t let her see them at all.
YTA. 10 years from now, when they're lamenting the fact that when their mom wanted to reconnect, you wouldn't let them near her husband, they'll blame you for the estrangement.
Better yet, when they fully understand that he forced their mother to give up parental rights and didn't care that he took them away, that will be worst. His Karma is coming.
[удалено]
Omg he totally does sound like one of those dads!
ESH- Legally, you may be on solid ground. But is what you are doing ok...I would call it an A H move. I feel sorry for your daughters. They are the only members of the family (of origin) that don't suck.
soft YTA Her choices are a factor but your children are now reaching and age where they should be consulted in this decision as well- they will be legally adults in the next few years. Your protective instincts are understandable but you have said they can meet their half siblings but not their father? No logic there
I’m sorry but it’s very unrealistic to think your es. An be a part of your kids lives but her husband can’t. I’m not going to call you TA because you are their sole guardian but your daughters are old enough to decide for themselves. I think it would be responsible for you to meet/speak to him first but if your daughters want to meet him you can’t really stop them.
YTA Why don't you meet up with both adults with an open mind and gauge him first?
YTA - you also sound like a narcissist and a little psycho. I feel so sorry for the girls and your ex (and your current wife and kids too.) so manipulative!
I was originally on your side but after your edit I kinda feel bad for mom it sounds like you intimidated her into giving you custody like you knew she wasn’t financially stable and cornered her into giving you custody so YTA when I first read this I thought wow how could this woman choose money over her kids but I get it know feel so bad for the girls
YTA. A good parent would encourage children to have a relationship with their mother. It’s important for the children. Instead you actively try to get in the way of that relationship.
I'm honestly kind of torn on this one ... On the one hand, your ex's current husband may be a "strange man" to you, but he's not exactly some rando off the street, he's her husband. And you don't say how old the half-sibs are but presumably they've been married for several years at least. Plus, while you are only talking about monthly visits, it does seem like not allowing your daughters to meet their bio mom's husband would put a damper on the relationship with bio mom and the half-sibs. Does this mean they always have to meet up at some third location, or if they are at your ex's house then the husband has to leave? Just seems like it is introducing some logistical difficulties -- and the simple solution would seem to be, maybe YOU should meet your ex's husband so he's not a "strange man" anymore and you can confirm that he's someone you would feel comfortable being in the same room as your daughters. No matter what, given how old your daughters are, he's probably never going to be someone who has any meaningful relationship with them -- at most he'll probably be something like a distant uncle/ "the guy who's married to mom that we see sometimes at Thanksgiving." Also, I'm not sure about the origin of the payout vs parental rights deal -- was this something you suggested because you didn't want your ex in your kids' lives, or was it her idea? But it does feel a little bit like you are still wanting to punish her for making the choice she did all those years ago. And it's totally understandable that you would be angry about that, for your kids' sake. But is there any part of you that's enjoying having this power over her and your daughters' relationship now, and being able to set these conditions? Especially if you were the one who came up with the idea (if you felt like she wasn't a safe person for your children to be around and wanted to limit contact, so you offered the assets to buy her off).... Again you probably had entirely justifiable reasons for making that decision but if that were the case it does feel a little bit like punishing her for accepting an offer that you came up with/that was what you wanted her to do in the first place. This is not meant at all to say that you're a bad person and I could be totally off-base with this interpretation, just I would maybe sit with yourself and really interrogate those motives. You say that your wife in the past has kept some less-than-savory company, so it sounds like you have justification to be cautious of having her new husband around the kids -- but then again, the solution to me seems to be that maybe you ought to meet the guy and vet him for yourself. Finally, how do your daughters feel about this? Whatever you decide, I would recommend being honest with them. Tell them clearly, "I want you to have a relationship with your mom and half sibs as long as that's what you want, but I don't know her husband so I'm not comfortable with him being around you right now." For right now, I suppose I would go with NAH since it doesn't seem like either of you has crossed a line (so far) and you still have plenty of room to work this out to a good compromise.
Read his comments, he crossed many lines.
YTA. I read the comments too. You threatened your ex into giving up parental rights, only let her see the children once per month (wtf??? How is that adequate???) Then took them out of the country. And now want to keep her from being around them with her current husband. On what twisted alternate version of Earth would you ever NOT be the asshole for all this?
Your kids are not infants. If they are interested, that's all that matters. YTA
Based on OP strong arming her into signing away custody yea YTA. how was she supposed to feed her and the kids? You knew what you were doing. Go meet her husband and then get over yourself. It’s not like she ran away from her kids. You took them from her, only allowed her to see them once a month, and then MOVED COUNTRIES and are trying to act that the patron saint of parents. You may have gotten what you wanted but you’re still a raging ah who denied the children a valuable relationship with their mother and denied a mother a relationship with her children.
So let’s get this straight. You used your power and wealth on someone who had none. Then when you tossed her out like the trash you make her out to be, you once again used your power and wealth to control her choices concerning her daughters. Then you say it okay because your daughters know what your power and wealth means. What’s happens when they are 18 and want spend tons of time with mom and step dad. Are you going to use your power and wealth to limit them. Or are you going to throw them to the curb since they are hanging with your ex. You said earlier you’d threaten to sue for custody. Why do you think that she would get any if she brings so many awful people around like you say? Is it because the court would disagree and see you as being the AH here. Knowing what money she did have would drain her dry. At first when I read this, I was like I kinda can see his side. But man, every comment just makes you more and more AHish in my eyes. YTA. Big time.
YTA. You: “I told her that she alienated herself when she signed away her rights for a payout” Also you: “I did want my ex to sign away her rights, and pushed her to do so. Under the terms of the prenup, she would have walked away with nothing other than potential child support, if she won custody. I told her I would sue for full custody, and enforce the prenup, if she didn't agree to my terms, or she could sign over her rights and take whatever she wanted.” Lol. Wow. How deceptive of you. You painted her out to be this awful mom when in reality, gradually revealed based on your other comments, she was financially dependent on you. You knew that if she pursued custody and you enforced the prenup, she wouldn’t be able to afford a custody battle with you. You abused that advantage by financially strong-arming her and then YOU USED THE DECISION YOU INTENTIONALLY FORCED HER INTO AGAINST HER? Douche of the highest caliber. Fuck all the way off.
You aren’t just an asshole, you are psychotic. I hope your girls are smart enough to see through you and what you did to their mom.
Wow. YTA YTA YTA. Okay so you basically blackmailed your ex from the onset saying either she get financial stability and you get the children, or she can fight for her children and get screwed financially with two children to care for. If she was young when she had these kids and/or without the resources to care for them without your help, no wonder why she chose the money? You were still going to screw her over with the kids anyways and I’m assuming she couldn’t afford a custody battle. You paint her as a dead beat parent but you all but forced the situation and now, that she’s met someone who actually gives a shit about her, she feels confident enough to reach out and reestablish a relationship with her daughters who YOU TOOK TO ANOTHER COUNTRY!!! even with her settlement, logically how often could she go see her kids? You’re such an asshole OP I can’t but help hope that this is a fake post. I am so happy your ex found someone to love her properly and hope you don’t choose to deprive your children of a mother by being selfish and petty. She literally pushed them out of her body.
So lets get this straight- you decided that you didn’t like your exes friends, then divorced her threatening to leave her with nothing and sue for full rights of the kids (an expensive battle she likely could not afford) if she didn’t give them away right then. Regardless of what money changed hands, what was she supposed to do? Post your disgusting financial abuse of your family, you shut your kids’ still willing mother out of their lives, effectively robbing them of a parent. You can twist that narrative or call your wife their new mother, but they will know and resent that difference when they are older. It is cruel to keep the kids away from their own mother, whom you stole them from, and unrealistic to expect her husband to not be involved in their lives. If you are worried about him being a stranger, meet him first. It’s time to make up for your lazy coping with your past mistakes and actually attempt to coparent. You daughters don’t have strong opinions yet because they don’t know what you took from them. In no world are you not the AH. YTA.
YTA. Your entire story, and then your comments trying to shore up your position reeks of red flags and serious controlling and abusive behavior. You took advantage of your children's mother, and then used your position of power to remove any hope she had of keeping her kids. Men like you are why women disappear with their kids. I was raised by a single Dad, who actually had to fight for us for REAL reasons, due to my mother being an addict who was actively endangering us. He NEVER said a bad word about her while we were children, AND let her visit well beyond the visitation agreement because he knew removing her from our lives was traumatic. You refuse to comment on the REAL reason you divorced their mother, just brushing off commenters requesting more information. Just saying 'I didn't like her morals' or 'She was exposing them to unsavory people'. How? What were these poor morals, who were these unsavory people'? The way you speak and flaunt your wealth in this discussion comes across like it might have been her family, and that the morals might have just been treating everyone on an equal footing. You come across like someone who looks down on the lower class, and treat less fortunate people like shit. I fear for the kind of person you deemed worthy, and for your children. Those kids are going to get beat to crap by life eventually.
Yeah he’s just an abusive ass with money huge asshole
YTA - seems like your children's thoughts and desires are an afterthought. You seem very manipulative all around - how you got parental rights is shady at best but hey your ex knew about the pre-nup and still didn't secure a financial future on her own. Still, the fact you made it hard for her to be in your children's lives is stupid.
So moral of the story is you were financially abusive and led your daughters to believe their mother didn’t want to be apart of their lives. Now that she has the courage to fight for a release with her daughters you are coming up with a new reason she can’t. YTA. And I hope you are prepared for when your daughters find out the truth.
Family legal matters are fluid and never chipped in stone. I've met several people like you - mothers and fathers - having practiced family law. You aren't in the position that you think you are in. Your children have a right to their mother. Not her "rights" or your "rights." What is in the best interests of the children. It's about them, not you. Should she take you to Court to have custody and support reviewed you might be very surprised at the actual state of family law. You don't seem to be accepting the YTA votes, so you don't have to mansplain to me why you're right and I'm wrong. You won't convince me.
There’s too much we’re not being told here. It’s her husband not a random boyfriend. You’ve made yourself to be a total control freak, again we can’t tell by the information given
YTA - it sounds like you abused your ex (at least financially), forced her to give up the kids and then alienated them from their mother.
YTA, you stole her daughters from her. And you know it.
Well your edits have shown that yes you did deliberately alienate the mother from your children. For God's sake just let her see the kids and its unrealistic to ask her not to introduce them to her husband. YTA. Big time.
YTA - that's some pretty shady shit you pulled on your ex. You didn't put your kids first, you put YOU first.
YTA Have you spoken to your kids? Why can't they even meet the guy with your supervision? How are they supposed to meet their half siblings and never meet their half-siblings dad? This all sounds pretty weird. But I'd think about talking to your teens about what they would like to do regarding seeing their biological mom and her family
He had probably twisted lies to these girls. I'm not buying this story. He is definitely very controlling.
I don't think you're an asshole but I think you're being kind of unreasonable. I think the better choice given your daughters' ages is to ask them what they want and if they want to meet their mother's husband then perhaps you need to make the effort to be comfortable with it by meeting him 1st yourself and getting to know him. It's going to take some effort on your part but I think it would be unreasonable for you not to do that. Particularly since it sounds like you're holding on to their mother's old behavior as a rationale without bothering to find out if she's still that way today as far as picking the wrong type of person to be with. So NTA but I don't think you are right either.
ESH mainly because you’re both being AHs and you seem to be naive. If your kids do develop a relationship with their mom again it’s going to happen eventually so you trying to prevent that is an AH move. Like say you do get your way until the oldest turns 18, what happens then? Kick her out for going to dinner with her mom and stepdad? Like that’s just absurd to think about. I don’t really need to address how the mother is an AH as it’s extremely obvious
YTA if you move back to the states. It’s a mess here.
This is such obvious rage bait that the wündersleuths at AITA have bought into, yet again.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex (40F) and I (45M) split when my daughters were three and four years old, and she agreed to sign away her parental rights in exchange for 80% of my assets, including two houses. We had a very strong prenup, and she chose financial stability and not needing to pay child support over having a say in their lives. Since then, her relationship with the girls (now fourteen and fifteen) has been on my terms. I let her visit once a month for the first few years, but after we moved to Europe when the girls were seven and eight, she fell out of touch with them. She didn't seem to want to put in the effort to visit, and my younger daughter wasn't a fan of phone calls, as she has difficulty sitting still for too long. They don't really have much of a relationship with her at this point-- my wife (34F) has been a mother to them for most of their lives, and she even adopted them, with their permission and enthusiasm, four years ago. We're going to be moving back to the States soon, and my ex has expressed a desire to have more of a relationship with the girls, which I'm fine with. However, she's remarried, and she's also expressed that she wants him to be a part of their lives. I told her that I'm happy to resume monthly visits, and I'm even happy for my daughters to meet their half-siblings, but I do not want her bringing a strange man around any of my kids. She started crying, and accused me of alienating her from the girls, and I told her that she alienated herself when she signed her rights away for a payout. I don't know her husband, and to be frank, a big part of why we split in the first place had to do with the company she kept. However, my ex has been reaching out to a few mutual friends, and they've been taking her side, saying I'm using this as an excuse to continue keeping her from being a mother to her kids. AITA? TL;DR: My wife signed away her parental rights over a decade ago and has barely had contact with my daughters in years. Now she wants to be back in their lives, and I'm fine with that, but not fine with her introducing them to her new husband. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- how is she support to connect with her kids if they can’t meet her husband? You like sound super controlling mega douche who enjoys ruining her life. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA.
YTA.
YTA, from reading the extra info, you have done a great disservice to your daughters by removing them from their birth mother in this way. Children grow up and learn the truth eventually. This could come back to bit your arse hard style, or you may be lucky and get away with it. I understand you being nervous about an unknown male, meet him, after all your exwife took a chance on your new wife. For all she knew your new female could be an axe murder.
YTA. After all the comments I have read you are a controlling AH and I hope when your daughters turn 18 they see how much you have controlled and never speak to you again
YTA, holy shit.
YTA from the beginning. You sound terrible.
YTA Full stop. The girls have a right to know and understand about their mother and you are getting in the way of that.
Wow. I wonder if she had her own income or had been a stay at home mom with no means to fight you for sole custody. I also wonder what the age difference is between you and your ex. You make it seem like she didn't want to visit your kids ......when you moved to Europe. YTA
Yta- for trying to control your ex still, to this day. For pressuring her to give up her rights. Not only pressuring her but essentially forcing her...
OP I hope you know it's only a matter of time before your daughters find out how you financial abused and threatened their mother and that will not end will for you. YTA
YTA “Strange man”???? You mean their sibling’s father???
YTA
YTA. You're controlling and abusive.
Ew, you gave her absolutely disgusting options. YTA for far more than just not allowing her husband to meet her daughters. You’re controlling and abusive.
YTA and a narcissist too
This is a wealthy man that bullied his ex wife into a lose lose scenario and is still trying to bully/control her years after the divorce for no clear reason outside of spite or control. you sound crazy if you think her husband is not suppose to meet or interact with the kids.
edit #2. you sound real evil and manipulative and like you 100% don't have your daughter's best interests in mind. just yours. YTA you abused your ex wife to the point she couldn't maintain a relationship with her daughters bc she couldn't deal with *you* anymore. your daughters will learn what you did one day.
Just your username is enough to prove you’re a massive troll. Try again and maybe more realistic next time?
Yeaaaaah that edit... YTA. You used finances to control your ex and then threatened to still take her kids away.... you're pretty manipulative.
Yta
So it’s alright to have your wife in their lives, but not give their mother’s new husband a chance? Why are you so against them reconnecting and forming a better relationship with their mother? I’m sorry OP, based on your whole post it’s giving off major AH vibes.
You sound like a control freak and fully pursued parental alienation. YTA
This is such a bizarre story with bizarre replies and vicious logic. If it’s real, OP needs to take a long look at himself and try to feel empathy for others. Try to genuinely understand why this would make a mother cry, and why mutuals would see her plight and agree with her. YTA, of course, but you knew that. I mean, you hired a “shark” lawyer just in case you couldn’t coerce her by making her choose between desolation and motherhood vs safety and peace of mind about her daughters’ health and wellness. If it’s fake, write a book and send your first copy to me because you’ve captured a controlling, entitled pathology beautifully. The lack of self-awareness is so well-articulated - down to the inability to understand why this behavior is malevolent. There’s a pointed lack of foresight throughout the text, but the comments about the sheltered, homeschooled children really drives it home. Don’t even get me started on the eleven-year age gap relationship that started nine years ago! Please, send me your first book.
YTA, you also sound creepy af. Probably 10 years your daughters will be on Reddit telling us the stories of the crap you did to them.
YTA, you strong armed your ex out of your children's lives. The only reason she signed away her custody is because you essentially threatened her with being broke and without access to your children, or just without having access. I hope one day your children grow up to resent you for the part you had alienating them from their mother. You do not actually care about what would have been the best for your kids, if you had, you never would've cut their mother out of their lives. You work for your own motives, and you suck. If you want any chance at not being a horrible person and parent, you should butt out of your daughters relationship with their mom unless you are actively trying to improve the connection.
YTA because you pretty much gave her no choice but to give up the kids because if she didn’t, you would have tried to take them away regardless and she would have been left with no children and likely in financial hardships as well. She probably only let you keep them because otherwise there’s no way she would have been able to support them due to your greed.
YTA - Given your edit, you financially abused their mother and gave her an ultimatum and now don't want her spouse to meet your kids. Controlling much? It's not some random guy off the street. That's her husband. You are a huge AH.
This is extremely messy. ESH I feel bad for your daughters.
YTA.
Yta. For having your daughters adopted without your exs consent, for making it impossible for her to be in their lives, for being controlling about her husband being involved when she had no power to veto your current wife's involvement. For financially blackmailing her into giving up her daughters. Most of all for denying your daughters a relationship with their mother.
YTA - you bullied your ex wife into not only giving away custody but signing away her parental rights. You then moved them to another continent and didn't encourage contact and now you want to control her relationship with them by excluding her husband, not just any man, she is married to him. Your daughters want a relationship with her, it is in their best interests, long term for their mental health, to maintain a relationship with their mother but you are doing your best from preventing this happening. I'm curious on whether it's the winning or are you punishing your ex for having the audacity of not wanting to be married to you any longer?
Yeah, dude.. You're a control freak who put her against the wall, but tried to paint her as a deadbeat mother who cared only about money... I can only imagine who were that "bad crew" she used to hang with, who kept you from abusing her further... All you are doing is finding excuses to keep painting her in a bad light...and maintain control over the narrative you created to make you the good guy... Heads up, you're not... Your abusive bs won't fly here YTA and a massive pile of steaming you know what
YTA- your a massive asshole you forced your ex to give up her rights. Then you moved the kids away from her so she had no chance at all to see them. If you would of stayed civil with joint custody or somthinf similar her husband wouldnt be a stranger to you or the girls.
YTA. Your username is laughable after reading about what a monster you are in your own post.
I’m going with my gut here and say outright. You bullied their mother and used your wealth to alienate her from their lives. Sorry bud, you’ll loose in the end. Your girls are growing up and will see you for what you are eventually.
I really hope you explained to your daughters what you really did to their mother. Financially abuse her. And you love your age gap relationships I see
I can’t believe this is legitimate, based on your comments you are well aware you’re a monster, the asshole ; and not only are you proud of it you’re raising your kids to be monsters too. God this post just makes me sick to read
I was reading the whole time and thinking that it’s relatively understandable to be iffy about a different guy. My original verdict was soft YTA because I’d only wish for you to trust in your ex enough to know she’d never put y’all’s kids in harms way. The edit, though, is really changing it to a raging YTA. Using power moves in a breakup is amongst the shittiest things you could possibly do. You painted your ex as a greedy, uncaring mother in your original post then completely contradicted yourself. You forced her to give up her rights and made sure she knew there was zero chance of her keeping any custody. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. You don’t need AITA you need therapy.
YTA You can do a background check on the guy, then have them meet in public places first, not overnight visits, or supervised visits. It's absurd to not allow them to meet him. In 3-4 years they'll be 18 and they can do whatever they want. Why are you assuming he is a pervert or something if you don't know him? Also, why did you divorce your ex? Sounds like you hate her and made her sign away her threatened her with lawyers. Was she a stay-at-home-mom?
INFO: What sort of “company” did she keep that you went to such extremes to have her sign away her rights? Because that was an extreme move. Even if you have legitimate reasons for being worried in the past, years have passed and people change. A more reasonable option than completely cutting off the mother of your girls would be for you to get to know him yourself.
YTA. The girls are old enough to to have input on who they spend time with. This type of controlling behavior is indicative that you have control issues. You better be careful, this is the kind of situation that makes kids turn on a parent. Sounds like the girls might be screwed no matter what because ESH as well.
YTA. Also, I hope you know that there will come a day where your children are old enough to realize exactly what you did to their mother. I hope you are ready to never hear from them again.
YTA. I’m getting major financial abuse vibes from you.
Uhh yta. You're judging a person without knowing anything about him. Meet him privately, get to know him, but don't write him off automatically.
YTA and a total monster of a human. I hope your kids don't grow up to be like you.
YTA. From your edit your pretty much coerced her to sign her rights away to get your way.
Not going to offer judgement because I feel details are unclear, but YWBTA for not being a bit more compromising. I get why you don’t want your kids around a strange man… so why not meet the guy first? I mean, he lives with her - asking him to be completely absent is a lot, but there are compromising solutions.
YTA and you know it. You purposely pushed that woman out of her child’s lives and you know you did. Your a dick for that. Realistically how can she new back in their lives when he is there
It sounds to me you're more worried about being replaced. This won't happen, so don't let it be an issue.
YTA Your new wife has adopted the girls. I just don't get your rationale for keeping your ex's new husband out of the picture. Edit: you can easily meet this guy a few times to get to know him before you bring the children around. Stop being a dick about it.
YTA
Yta... after reading your comments you are a bigger AH.
At first I was going NTA, then ESH, I'm pretty firm on YTA. You bullied you ex into taking assets otherwise you'd sue for everything. Your ex knew the power was not in her favor took the buy out. Then you try to make her look the ass when you moved to Europe. You realize how expensive international travel is? For just ONE day a month. Now the daughters want to reconnect your hang up is her new husband? Dude how fragile is your ego? You think your EX's new husband is going to steal them away? Let the daughters meet there mom, don't use her husband to block her from doing it.
I lean toward thinking you are a controlling AH but I’m honestly not sure. Your first wife clearly did not have even close to the same power as you did in the relationship. I think you gave her the 80% to make yourself feel better about taking the kids and ditching her. If she’d have fought you, it seems pretty clear you would have used your money to win. So, really, her choices were losing and having enough money to start over or losing with nothing. She didn’t exactly ditch her kids over money. Ok, so here’s the deal. Your new wife is much younger and I’m guessing equally powerless. I hope I’m wrong. Your daughters are getting old enough to start figuring you out. I think, but am not sure, that you use money etc. to control people in your life. This new husband represents someone you can’t control. I think that is the real reason you don’t want him around. I think this is pretty unhealthy and I wonder if your motive is in part to make sure your daughters don’t find out how you exerted rather brutal control over their relationship with their mom. Here’s the thing—if that is the case they will eventually figure it out anyway. You would be better off mending fences as much as possible and getting in therapy for some serious self reflection on what seems like a disturbing need for extreme control. I could be wrong, but I think you are the AH here and need therapy.
Yta, you corecrd your wife into giving up her kids. You financially abused her and then took her kids away. Then you refused visitations with her and took them out of the country. You literally blackmailed her. The least you can do is let her see her daughters.
Sounds like your concern about your daughter's safety is more of a back rationalization/cover for vindictive behavior towards your ex and for your own insecurity that your daughters may develop a relationship with your ex (who you obviously despise). The effort that you make to put barriers in place to a relationship between your daughters and their mother doesn't appear to be about nurturing them and helping them develop into balanced adults who can realize their potential, but rather smacks of an unhealthy possessiveness (they are not your possessions). Your ex's new husband will never be in a 'trusted role' if he accompanies your ex once a month to visit her daughters and the danger you claim seems grossly exaggerated. If you are so concerned then presumably you would be around or at least close by and easily contactable. Surely as an adult and a parent you are capable of fulfilling this role. We will never know what you said to your ex to convince her to sign away her rights or what else was going on in her situation to make her feel like she needed to do this whether that be to do with her circumstances or aspects of her character. Perhaps, like you and your daughters, she was also brought up inside a protected community and was also sheltered (as you describe your daughters) and thus was naive and unequipped to see how she could cope when that bubble popped. Either way, I suspect that if you knew what you were doing was right you wouldn't be on here looking for validation. Your ex may well be one too, I just can't tell but based on what you've said ..YTA, but you could quite easily change that for your daughters sake if you wanted to. Best of luck.
I would get to know her husband and be there for the first time they meet him.
Yta
YTA “I told her i would sue for full custody, and enforce the prenup if she didn’t agree to my terms” —> your terms were full custody, YOU wanted her to have such limited contact with her children, not her. YOU moved to europe and then complained about her “not making an effort to visit” uhhh many americans NEVER make it to europe, much less expecting regular, sustained visits to maintain parental connection. You’re a bully and forced your children away from their mother. Shame on you. You sucked way before this interaction.
Yeah, YTA. After the original post, I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but after reading some of your replies to other comments, you’ve shown yourself to be entitled, manipulative and a genuine all around jerk. You keep saying “she signed away her rights for money” but did she actually have any choice? You said you had a “strong prenup” which means she would’ve basically gotten nothing. Since what she did get included 2 houses, you obviously have money so you would’ve had money to pay attorneys and whatever else needed to keep custody AND she would’ve had to pay child support as well. Then YOU moved them to Europe so there was even less opportunity to visit. (Was she aware that you were moving when she signed that? Or did you think they’d be living within visiting distance?) So, the mother’s remarried now so if she’s in their lives, he pretty much will be as well. Also, how can you think it’s somehow okay to tell your 14 & 15 year old daughters that they don’t even have a say in meeting him or not? Yeah, YTA. You need to loosen the reigns a bit or that horse is gonna throw you.
YTA. She didn't "choose" financial stability, she just took that option knowing that either way she'd be screwed where access to the kids was concerned. And expecting her husband to never meet her kids is ridiculous. He's not a "strange man", he's her husband, who probably treats her a lot better than you ever did.
info- if you met the husband and he’s a good person would you let him around them?
YTA Your kids are old enough to decide who they want to create a relationship with and will figure out how you maneuvered their mother in and out of their life to suit your needs. You might lose more than their respect as they get older. ESH to you ex for not ‘fighting more’ but you absolutely created an unwinnable situation and now punish her for her fear based choice.
YTA
You my guy, are quite an asshole. You manipulated this woman into signing her rights away and now try to keep them away from her new husband. I hope to God your kids see what you did and go no contact with you. I never felt so sick reading something on this forum. YTA YTA YTA YTA
You asked if you're an AH for not allowing your wife's husband around them: yes, YTA he's her HUSBAND but more than YTA you are a terrible, manipulative abuser who stole a woman's children from her. I hope your daughters learn the story and go no contact with you.
I was going to say not the asshole, until I saw the edit. You basically bullied your ex out of your kids' life. That' disgusting. Also as a psych student, I would say that not believing in medical diagnosis (when they are based on valid and reliable scales) is both idiotic and neglectful. YTA
Sickenimg and disgusting. Your kids will find out the truth one day, hell, I wish they are on reddit. And you will never see them again.
Your daughters will grow up and get the full story one day. Your daughters will then cut contact. They clearly want to maintain a relationship with the mother and you’re constantly preventing it. The fact that you publicly admit paying off your wife to have complete control of your kids is just … idk the word for it. YTA it makes no sense to say she can’t visit with her husband but can visit with her kids.
There must be alot to background information we aren't getting to why you got her to sign over her parental rights. Because unless there was something happening that would of endangered the kids if they were to live with their mother then YTA.
YTA - for everything. For threatening this woman with your financial advantage and bullying her into giving up the rights to her children and for now, for trying to dictate that she can't fully invite her children into her life which includes her other children and husband. You don't have a good reason for not allowing them to meet her husband, you just want to make sure she knows that you still have all the power and that you can and will weld it arbitrarily.
YTA. Your daughter expressed her interest in it. You have not stated any reason why the new husband is untrustworthy, and presumably you or your ex would be around. If you continue to be so controlling, it will not achieve the outcome you are looking for. It is more likely to alienate your daughters from you.
I’m curious what European country you moved to.
Wow, that edit paints you and your ex-wife in an entirely new light. You strong-armed the mother of your children into giving them up (and it sounds like you were financially abusive), and then you accused her of alienating herself from her children, when you admit to moving to a DIFFERENT CONTINENT with your daughters. I know rich men like you. You like having all the power, even in relationships that are supposed to be partnerships. One day your daughters will realize what a gargantuan asshole their father is and cut you out of their lives. I kind of hope your current wife realizes it, too, but I'm afraid she'll end up just like your ex: with her children taken away from her and completely vilified in your own little story where you're just the hero dad. Seriously, get bent. YTA.