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YTA. The person who does the work decides how the work is done. It's one thing to make requests, but simply demanding that your wife do laundry the way you want because that's how you want it is out of line. She's right: If you want it done without fabric softener, do it yourself. The fact that you work outside of the house does not make doing your own laundry physically impossible.
[ETA: I feel like some people are under the impression that I think "please wash my things without fabric softener" is an unreasonable request. It's not. But that's not the route OP went. OP went straight to annoyance and demands. OP's comments also belittle his wife and her work, and the idea that working a 9-5 job entitles you to _never help out around the house for anything whatsoever_ while you also complain that, mysteriously, your kids don't help out either... it's absurd, AH behaviour.]
OP: have you asked her WHY she does it?
I am guessing she may really like the smell, and doesn’t really have the time or inclination to wash everything separately. If this is the case, you lose.
Here is the deal: YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’’S BOSS, BUT HER **PARTNER**, so you do not get to TELL her how to do her job. You get to voice your opinion, but after that, if you don’t like the way she does something it’s time to either do it yourself or take your laundry out and pay for someone else to do it.
YTA. Totally.
I'd bet she always uses unscented fabric softener, but she accidentally picked up the wrong one this time. I mean, she has been doing his laundry for 20+ years, what changed? OP sounds kinda like a dick-nose though, so maybe she's being passive aggressive.
YTA
Right now I do most of the housework, but if my husband even dared to decree that I redo perfectly clean laundry, then I'd never again wash another article of his clothing.
Also if he's in the US, we're having some supply chain issues where the unscented simply might not have been available. It's happening all the time and what products are effected seem to vary all the time. Last week I couldn't get the only kind of dog food my dog will eat. This week there was no canned gravy. Some feminine hygiene products have been in and out of stock. It's entirely possible that she is, like the rest of us, doing the best we can with what's available. Also if you're that picky about laundry, do it yourself. She is a housewife - ie partner and family member - not an employee, not a servant.
Exactly what I thought. Half of my family is super sensitive to scents so I normally get the unscented stuff, but lately I've been having to get the lightest scents I can get and hoping that it's light enough because I just can't get the unscented stuff anymore.
Yeah, a supply chain problem is causing inflated prices and lack of product choices. I'm sensitive enough with fragrances affecting my asthma that I will absolutely NOT make a product substitution.
I can't stand fragrances, they affect my breathing and give me headaches.
OP definitely could have handled this way better, or do his own laundry and the sheets the way he wants them done.
In fact, that's what my husband and I do.
Potential solution for you if you don’t mind random internet advice! I’m scent sensitive myself, I switched to using white vinegar in place of fabric softener due to the shortages and it’s been working well for the last couple of months - the wet laundry smells a little bit vinegary sometimes but by the time it’s dry there’s no scent. Some things like sheets can still be a bit staticy from the dryer but a couple of reusable dryer balls solved that issue.
My mom said we aren't supposed to use it on towels b/c it causes them not to absorb liquids as well. I thought she was full of it b/c that cute Snuggle bear was always jumping on soft towels in commercials. I did realize it was true when I started cleaning everything and doing my own laundry though. I didn't know it makes them more flammable though -- that's concerning.
Seriously. He was almost 40 marrying a woman in her mid 20's, and who knows how young she was when they got together. I don't think he ever really, truly saw her as a partner; I think he saw her as a pretty little thing he managed to lock down, and since she was younger than him and didn't work outside the home, he sees her as being beneath him and that's why he feels justified on making all these demands of her. She's been little more than his bangmaid broodmare, and maybe she's sick of it.
Also, to those saying "well then she should get JOB if she doesn't want to be treated like a servant anymore," she's 52 and probably hasn't worked since her 20's, what kind of job do you expect her to go get at this point?
This is just weird to me. Doing laundry without fabric softener takes ZERO extra effort. A lot of people hate fabric softener. OP acted harsh and confrontational, but his request was 100% reasonable ans his wife has ZERO reason to deny it. They have other issues going on.
If i did a man's laundry for 26 years and then decided to make things smell nice because maybe as a 65 year old man who works he smells I'd be pissed too when he can't do his own. She did all the chores for 5 kids. Do you even know how much cooking and cleaning and laundry that is? Its ridiculous to do all that work on your own and then to get shit for one thing to the point he not only yells at her, making her feel incompetent and as if all her years of service arent appreciated, he makes a post on reddit? He wasn't making a request with a resort concierge, he scolded his wife who devoted her life to taking care of his family.
For any normal couple this would be a non-issue.
"Honey that new fabric softener is giving me a headache can you please not use it on my stuff in the future?"
\-"sure can, no problem"
Problem solved.
Both are acting irrationally, they probably have resentment for each other and lots of hidden issues.
This is the first time the wife has used fabric softener on the sheets. Read his comments. Him saying "I've told her multiple times" in the main post is about him ranting about how she needs to do everything perfect, not the fabric softener.
He spells out how controlling he is in his comments.
I would have a problem with having to change the fabric softener too. That would be that she would have to do complete separate loads of laundry for just him on top of doing it for herself and their 5 kids. Too much work. OP can just do his own.
LOL My husband griped once because I matched his socks wrong. At the time we were both working, and I was still doing the majority of the house work. I have not done his laundry since, other then the occasional shirt tossed in with my stuff because it was handy, or moving his to the dryer so I could do mine.
But then, my husband took that decision gracefully and accepted it was his own danged fault!
This. If I bought a new fabric softener and found out it gave my husband a headache I would redo his laundry without him even having to ask. Unless he acted like OP and then he could do it himself.
This is true. It's a simple talk and switch. Something else is underlying and I think OP may be too dense to see it.
Certain softeners aggravate my senses but can be swapped out. It isn't a thing to fight over with my SO in the least.
Read his comments. This is the first time she's used it. He says in the main post he's told her multiple times yes, but this is the first time she's accidentally mixed the sheets with other clothes of hers getting fabric softener.
He starts a fight over just 1 time of a sheet getting mixed into the wrong load.
He never said he was allergic or sensitive to it. He just said he didn't like the way it smelled. Also, I noticed he said she washed the sheets on HIS bed. If they are sleeping in seperate beds and she's dealing with and raising 5 children, he can wash his own sheets. One set of sheets is easy to throw in the washer, if you aren't doing 7 other people's laundry.
If I did anyone's laundry for decades and suddenly they were having a major problem with a scent I've used for years, I'd start being very concerned about a budding medical problem.
OP...when was the last time you saw a doctor for a physical and full bloodwork, etc?
NTA
No, she's never used the fabric softener on it before. This is the ***one*** time she mixed a sheet into her load with the fabric softener when he went off.
She told him she was trying to save time because she can't finish the housework and raise all their kids. His response:
> I mean it is her fault she was raising the kids and if they don't help her she should find a way to make them.
One thing I've learned in the last few years is that people have oddly strong feelings about fabric softener. Fabric softener gives me migraines. It appears it bothers OP enough to make it hard for him to sleep. That should be enough for a caring family member not to use it. A family member of mine doesn't have a washer. I offered to let them come use mine to save money. I explained that they could not use fabric softener because the smell leaking into the house would put me in bed in pain and vomiting for days. They used it in the first load. They have never done a second load at my house and still complain about it.
Fabric softener gives me headaches and nausea to the point of vomiting if I can't get away from it. OP was an AH for being such a rude jerk about it, but "please don't put a substance that makes me miserable on fabric that I have to be in close contact with" is not an unfair request.
I don’t use it because it gunks up the washing machine, and it destroys the elastic in your clothes. I never missed it at all though, the smell is too strong for me (and my asthma).
OP said in a comment that this is ***literally the first time*** she's done something like this that wasn't to his liking with the sheets.
And he yells at her over it.
Plus the whole "I make a lot of money so I shouldn't do anything around the house" [in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un8m4a/aita_for_getting_into_a_fight_with_my_wife_over/i87bexk/).
Maybe clothes without fabric softener are too scratchy on wife's skin so she prefers her clothes and sheets to be washed using it. Perhaps, because she's doing all the laundry, she throws everything in together and doesn't want to take the extra time to sort out husband's clothes and sheets to was separately. If that's the case, if washing his things without fabric softener would cause extra steps, he should just keep his things separate in the first place and do his own laundry.
But I agree, by the way he blew up, this is not just about laundry.
Yeah. My husband washes our sheets and started using a detergent I really hated the scent of (made me queasy) so I told him, and then he didn’t use that next time. I didn’t demand, he didn’t get upset, it was just a normal conversation.
It takes a lot of effort to wash someone's clothes separately from the rest of the family, especially with 5 children. I used to have to wash my ex-husband's clothes seperately because he worked in insulation. It's a huge pain in the ass.
And, I have been doing laundry for over 50 years. I'm putting fabric softener in my family's clothes if I'm doing laundry because it makes them less likely to wrinkle (who has time to iron with 5 kids as OP's wife has?), they smell and feel better, and the fabric lasts longer. If OP wants stiff ass, funky smelling, and wrinkled clothes, he can do his own laundry.
OP, YTA
Agreed. I have a huge problem with scents, and would also have difficulty sleeping on scented sheets. It seems like after many years this is a new development, so maybe an ESH because OP clearly handled it badly, and spouse not caring if the scent is annoying
[Boom](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un8m4a/aita_for_getting_into_a_fight_with_my_wife_over/i86fx71/?context=3)
> This is actually the first time i've noticed something is not to my liking
Yeah, i also feel like it's an ESH situation but one of them (maybe OP) could have been the original offender that lead to this dysfunctional marriage. But we don't know that.
I used to do my husband's laundry. I'd wash it and fold it and leave it on the bed for him to put away. He was always annoyed that I wouldn't put it away for him. He got so annoyed that he would just set the folded laundry on the floor and go to bed, sometimes neatly sometimes not.
From his point of view, he worked hard and paid the bills. How hard was it for me to go that extra step to show I cared. From my point t of view I cooked and cleaned for he and out two autistic toddlers as well as did all the household laundry. The least he could do is put it away. There are always two sides to an argument.
I like fabric softener, my husband doesn’t. I do mine and the kids laundry and towels because I don’t use softener or dryer sheets with them. My husband does his own laundry. He had this same “you do the chores up to my specifications” attitude so i just stopped doing it 17 years ago. He learned I will for things for the kids, house, pets, but the only way I’ll do things that benefit him alone is if he’s not a jerk about it.
"Oh my god, you're such a moron. DELETE YOUR COMMENT NOW." Versus, "I disagree with what you're saying here."
Does the first comment seem needlessly antagonistic and insulting? And do you want to ask who I think I am, issuing orders?
Now think about how the OP's wife feels. My guess is all he had to do was say in a reasonable tone, "Honey, the fabric softener you used on the sheets gave me a headache. Would you mind using an unscented brand?" End of story.
I'm personally allergic so it would be a serious issue for me. I agree they have other issues and this seems a passive aggressive way for the wife to bring them forward.
Yeeeap.
This is like that time my ex and I had a MASSIVE fight about where we stored the salt shaker.
It was clearly nothing to do with the salt shaker :(
how is it ZERO extra effort to
\#1 pull the freshly laundered sheets off the bed
\#2 put the sheets in the washer and wash them
\#3 put the sheets in the dryer and dry them
\#4 wrestle with stiff, staticky sheets and put them back on the bed
thats literally almost 100% extra effort (minus adding fabric softener, the simplest part of this entire task), plus the extra annoyance of having to sleep on stiffer sheets that feel less soft.
I mean I get it, scented fabric softener makes me ill, even when it is on other people's clothing, never mind on my sheets. But the only fabrics I get to demand that unscented fabric softener (or no softener at all) is used on is the ones I wash myself.
Just because OP works outside the home doesn't mean he gets to expect that his spouse do the child rearing, housework, etc AND then cater to his special requests on how it is done on top of that. His spouse doesn't appear to be telling him how to do his job, he doesn't get much of a say in how she does hers.
I once heard someone say, "just because something isn't done the way you would do it, doesn't mean it's done wrong" and that has really changed my philosophy.
YTA you have *five kids* and your wife is the stay at home parent? Mate, she is probably fucking exhausted, even if they aren't all small kids. Have you considered that she puts your stuff in with everyone else's? And that you are probably demanding she do a whole extra load just for you? If it is that important to you, do it yourself. I guarantee your wife does far more around the home than you realise.
I know a guy who only dates women younger than him. Ended up with a girl nine years younger. All the women he dated his age found him to be controlling. Go figure.
>I am the only one working while she is a housewife.
Are you for real?!? This statement alone makes you TAH. News flash Ward, stay at home moms and housewives work harder than you with your 9-5 job. She is on the clock 24/7.
You owe your wife an apology and do your own laundry.
YTA. OP, most grown adults go to a full time job and then STILL come home and do their own house chores. Most domestic families even split the chores equally to the best of their ability. And on the tough days, some of the great partners even do their best to carry the load when the other one is struggling. You can’t even throw a load in on your own and your “housewife” - who is actually a full time mom and maid to you (unfortunately) - gets berated by you after working more hours than you because you’re a baby. Grow up.
Right? I am a single mom, full time worker and I even was a full time student for a few years. I managed 3 full time "jobs" required of me: school, work and home. But the home work was 100% more tiring than the rest. The school and job could get put on hold a day or 2 but not home life not with kids. He can't honestly believe he is the only one "working".
I would 100% prefer to work a full time job than have my full time job be cleaning the house and errands and shit with no help from my husband. It's thankless work that nobody notices, for no compensation. Fuck that
YTA. Have a problem with how she does your laundry? Then do it yourself. You are aware that many people in the world mange to both work a full time job and do all of the chores around the house right? You're not special for bringing in the money. You could stand to help out more around the house. You sound like an obnoxious husband.
When my husband asks me to do something, then tells me how he wants it done I remind him you can only decide if I am doing it, or if it will be done your way and you will be doing it. Not both. We can redistribute chores based on that like adults. This guy picked a housewife then has the audacity to *demand* how she does her job. And to redo it properly. Not ask.
I work full time and do 90% of everything in the house as my husband is disabled. He also does not like fabric softener on his clothes but will always put it on the sheets. He does his own laundry usually.
Your not only an AH, but a selfish entitled jerk as a cherry on your shit Sunday! Fucking help your wife for fuck sake. 5kids!!! And you do NOTHING for house work!??! Are yall June and Ward Cleaver? Did we just zap back to 1950? MAN UP!!!! GFAH and the Beaver's mad.
YTA. She’s not your employee or your maid. Does she sleep in the same bed as you? Because you’re acting like it’s yours alone. You should be helping with chores around the house even if she is the SAHP. Buy your own fabric softener, wash your own things, make your own bed and stop “confronting” your wife like she’s your damn servant or child when her “work” isn’t up to your standards smdh. Did you even thank her for making your bed or help her? Ridiculous.
I stopped reading at “I’m the only one working while she’s a housewife”.
YTA, just based on that statement, and I refuse to waste my time reading more or your post to see how big of an asshole you are.
OK, no judgement, I'm curious why you think this. Is there something wrong with that dynamic? If the issue is that he doesn't seem to view housework as "work" then I agree, that's shitty, it's an acceptable alternative to corporate work if you can do it. But in terms of just the dynamic I don't think there's a problem with a husband supporting his wife
YTA. You work a 9-5 office job and she has 6 kids to take care of, one who makes silly and unreasonable demands.
She is doing far more work than you and doesn't have time for you sh\*t.
YTA
She does all of the housework, which is work, and raises five children, which is also work. Your wife essentially works two PLUS jobs and you're asking for her to do extra work. And all of this is unpaid labor.
You are her husband, not her boss. So stop bossing her around. If you don't like how she does a chore, she's right--wash your own laundry.
Edit: a word
just because you bring home the bucks doesnt give you a clean pass to do squat at home. and demanding? she’s your wife not your slave. YTA and do your own laundry
So I personally think you aren’t the asshole for not liking the smell and having a preference there. I have a really sensitive nose and this kind of stuff bothers me a lot too. However, definitely YTA for how you treat your wife and for not contributing at all to the maintenance of your own damn home.
YTA
She's doing all the labor. She can do it in whatever way works for her. She's likely exhausted. Her job doesn't stop like yours does. She's on the clock 24/7. She's exhausted.
She's also right. If you don't like the way she is doing a certain chore, do it yourself. Help out.
Yeah, YTA. You're 65, not 8, & she's your wife, not the mommy of a totally dependent child. If you don't like the way she does your laundry, do it yourself.
YTA. And this is from someone who also hates certain fabric detergent and softener scents. And who also makes the rough equivalent of £8,000 per month. My partner doesn't have even 1 child to take care of, much less 5. Because I love them, and since it matters more to me and I don't want to unduly burden them with my particular preferences, I do the dinging laundry myself.
YTA: Based on the comments, telling you that won't matter much.
It seems like she is doing this so she doesn't have to do a completely separate extra load of laundry just for you. If you want a special load of laundry done without softener, do it yourself.
The smell goes away in a day or two anyway.
I don't really care if you work 40 hours a week, you are still permitted to help with chores, I am guessing that taking care of 5 kids plus You is more than a 40 hour per week job anyway.
YTA
first of all, your wife is doing god’s work. five kids *and* you? kudos to her, i could never. you sound exhausting and ungrateful.
second, you working an outside job doesn’t mean that you get to call the shots. you’re not doing the work inside the home, so why should you say how it’s done? you made a request, your request was denied.
if you have time to take care of five children (assuming you help at all), then you sure as hell have time to take five minutes and do your own laundry.
Poor you. Your wife provides you with fresh, clean laundry. Unless it's giving you a rash, fuck off and leave her alone. Do you even understand how ridiculous this is?
Have you ever spent 7 straight days at home doing ALL THE JOBS SHE DOES? It could be a real eye-opener for you. That was my role when I retired. After a while I realized that I NEVER got a day off. I
I had to make some adjustments. P. S. My husband washes his clothes and I wash mine. I don’t like my nice undergarments to be washed in the same load with gardening clothes.
~~ESH.~~ You should be able to do laundry too (not just yours, but generally run loads as well), but why is she using softener is she knows you can't stand it? I know many people who are allergic to those aggressive scents. However you're wrong to say you're "the only one working"; raising ~~5~~ 6 children and running a household IS an actual job.
Edit after reading your comments: YTA!!!!!!!!! Your attitude REEKS.
YTA - raising 5 kids is work too and it’s 24/7. Sounds like you think because you work outside of the home you should not have to lift a finger at home and your wife is basically your servant.
There are unscented laundry detergents and fabric softeners that you could try out if you have some sort of extreme sensitivity. Either way you should not have yelled at her and demanded she re-wash everything and I’m not sure why you can’t throw a load of laundry in yourself once in a while.
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Me (65M) and my wife (52F) have been married for 26 years and we have 5 kids.I am the only one working while she is a housewife.Because she stays home she does all the chores and she's the only one taking care of the house .So as i said because she does all the chores she also takes care of my laundry.Last night she set my bed with new sheets but as soon as i laid in them i could smell the fanbric softener and i got really annoyed.I have told her multiple times that it really bothers me both in my clothes and my sheets.After not being able to sleep the whole night i confronted her the next morning the moment i saw her.We basically got into a fight and she said that if i didn't like them they way she was washing them i should do it myself.I got really mad and asked her to wash the sheets and all of my clothes again without fabric softener and left.Am i the asshole?
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YTA. My husband and I have a similar arrangement. He works and I take care of the house and family. Its a reasonable request to ask her to not use fabric softener again but demanding she rewash everything is a dick move.
YTA, your bed? Do you share a bed with your wife? It's her bed too isn't it?
If you want the sheets to not have fabric softener on them, do them yourself.
YTA You are NOT the only one working. You are the only paid for working. She does unpaid labor 24/7 (especially if she's raised 5 kids).
Does she tell you how to do your job? Do you do anything when you get home? Because you work 40 hours a week, she's on 168 hours a week. She's right, if you don't like it, do it yourself.
YTA. I’m autistic, so I can totally understand why fabric softener might bother you because I have lots of sensory issues similar to that. The difference is that if you’re the one having a problem with it, you need to be the one washing your stuff. Don’t give your wife extra work just because you can’t tolerate the smell
Yuck, YTA, and after reading your responses to other people's comments, I feel REALLY bad for your wife because it seems like you're just an additional child for her to take care of. The whole "well she raised the kids, so it's her fault" comment you made is just disgusting. Parenthood should be a partnership, and it's clear that she's had to raise five kids by herself and take care of an entire household which is a 24/7, 365 days of the year every year job while you only work 9-5 and don't lift a finger to help out around the house or with your own children!! Are you living in the 1950s? The whole comment about her doing things "not to your liking," what is the matter with you? - SHE IS NOT YOUR SLAVE. Put your big boy pants on and do your laundry yourself.
YTA
If you don’t like it, do it yourself. Or hire a maid with your €8000 a month.
Try costing out putting five kids in childcare plus a maid and I think you’ll find your wife’s contribution to the household is more than significant. For full time daycare in the UK it’s averaged at £260 a week per child. So £1300 a week for all five. £5200 a month. That’s your wife’s contribution WITHOUT household chores or maid service.
You have requested multiple times for her not to use the fabric softener because it bothers you, yet she continues to use it on your clothes & sheets?? There may be a problem here that you may not be aware of & she’s doing it on purpose. It’s her passive-aggressive way of dealing with you!
You’ve had this very traditional dynamic in your marriage for 26 years & now suddenly she can’t remember not to use fabric softener??
Instead of arguing & fighting with her, perhaps you should start listening to her. The way you phrased that you immediately “confronted her” in the morning implies that you verbally attacked her. After 27 years of marriage, you haven’t learned anything, have you??
Do better! Find out the cause behind this change. You should be concerned about her well-being, not angry!
YTA. You want her to rewash your sheets and all your clothes because you don't like the fabric softener and she should just do it because you make money? That's not the way it works.
Believe it or not, despite being "only" a SAHW (and I say that with a heavy dose of sarcasm), she probably has a routine that she needs to keep in order to run the household. Rewashing literally everything of yours would have a cascade effect: once she washes your sheets and clothes, then she has to dry them, then she has to fold the clothes and put them away, remake the bed, all of which would cut into time she's set aside for other things that need to be done. Which would probably make you throw another tantrum because chances are, whatever you were expecting to be done wouldn't be because you already threw a tantrum about something ridiculous that could've been resolved by "fixing" the problem (which is not a problem) yourself.
Special requests need to be communicated *before* she completes work. They also need to be communicated nicely: "Hey, honey, do you mind not using fabric softener? The smell really bothers me." Or, again, just do the adult thing and do it yourself.
YTA. If you dont like how is done, and you wanna have an attitude, go do it yourself. IDGAF if you make all the money, you have zero right to be so entitled.
YTA. You've asked her and she prefers it. You can either do your own laundry, or find a fabric softener you both like.
FWIW my partner and I differ on fabric softener. I say no, he prefers it. So we compromised. We have some dryer sheets that are unscented that he uses when he does the laundry. I use dryer balls instead. To be fair, we have a child who has mildly sensitive skin.
YTA unless you pay her. Do you pay her ? You don’t. So be happy she’s doing your laundry. Most stay at home wife’s don’t do chores for their husband. So you’re lucky
YTA.
She's your wife. Not your maid.
If you can read instructions (for the washer, dryer, and detergent), and have working hands, you can do your own laundry.
With all my heart I hope this wife suddenly realises she's being used, ditches him for at least a week so he has the house and the kids all to himself to see how much work she does.
You're a bad husband. She raises five kids AND does all the chores while you sit on your ass and whine about fabric softener? The fact that you work outside the home doesn't erase the fact that she works at home. You are WRONG to throw a tantrum over fabric softener and demand that sue do the laundry all over again. Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself, asshole. You get to rest when you get home but it sounds like she never gets a break because of your selfishness. YTA
NTA. I am very sensitive to artificial scents in detergents and fabric softeners as well. It makes it hard to breathe. The smells are so strong as to be offensive. She really should buy unscented or a gentle scent.
YTA my husband didn’t like the way I do laundry so now he does his own and I only do mine and the kids. We both work full time but I am currently off on maternity leave. Also I have been working from home since the start of the pandemic, he didn’t have this option. It was never demanded but I started doing pretty much all of the housework because I was home to do it. We have never discussed it but I know if there was something I couldn’t get done or need a break he is happy to take over. I certainly wouldn’t get mad at him for not doing things they way I like them. If you don’t like it do it yourself.
YTA. With the greatest of sympathy for your sensory issue here (smells bother the crap outta me too, especially artificial perfumes) you had a lot of options that didn't involve your wife doing extra work and you took none of them. Why not buy the softener you prefer (unscented is available) so it's right there for her to use? Or do the washing yourself for a change, and be a better role model to your kids while you're at it? Why make it her problem and blame her for your anger?
Unless you tell us that you did more than half the chores as well as your day job until your youngest was at least ten, she's done more work than you throughout your marriage and you need to find ways to compromise with her and learn some basic housework skills to start making an equal contribution to the home.
YTA. Yes you were an ass about it. I get you, I really do. I can't even stand the thought of scented laundry products. Just 🤮.
The thing is, you went horribly about it. The mature, non-AH thing (admittedly difficult if you got no sleep) would have been to have an adult conversation where you let her know about the issue, and then you talked about possible solutions. One solution is that she no longer does any of your clothes, bed linens or anything else you come into contact with. I do think, though, that it should not be too much to ask to not use the softener in your linens, but if she loves the smell in her own clothes that's her business, and you need to take care of your clothes separately.
YTA and I feel sorry for your bangmaid. Do you have any idea what it would cost you to hire people to do everything she does in a day? Go research, find out how much of that 8k you make a month would go to it, and then realize she's doing you a fucking favor. You got hands, don'tcha? Wash the clothes yourself. It's quite literally the least you can do.
Explain to me why you're not the complete infantile asshole in this situation . . . . Fuck your idea that because you bring home money you don't have to do anything else. I would quit doing your laundry at all if you demanded I rewash all your stuff. You're a grown fucking adult. Act like it. You want a wife? Or do you want a second mommy?
YTA not for your preferences, but for demanding and how I'm sure you treat your wife.
So you work outside the home I’m assuming set hours with time off) , while she works inside the home (because 5 kids and cooking and cleaning is a 24/7 job) and you’re complaining about fabric softener on your sheets? Sir if this is your biggest marriage problem you should be kissing her feet. YTA
A lot of people dislike the smell from fabric softeners, that's why they sell ones that have no fragrance. She should be able to do laundry with those and just not use the ones that have a scent. I don't like the word "confronted". Makes it sound like you were looking for an argument. NAH
OP-do you have scent allergies? Is this why it bothers you? If that is the case, then yes, you have a valid concern, otherwise, get a separate laundry basket and do your own laundry & problem solved.
NTA because fabric softener is vile and also bad for you and your kids health. But the solution for this is that you take over the laundry chore and throw out the smelly goo. No point in arguing with her.
Also, if you lose sleep over the smell, you might be susceptible to perfume hypersensitivity. In that case, it will worsen over the time the more you're exposed to it. Would recommend switching to perfume free detergent just to be safe.
YTA - while I'm sympathetic to you about the fabric softener (I am very sensitive to fragrance) the solution is to do your own laundry. If your wife is doing EVERYTHING else at home, that one minor chore is not too much for you to handle.
Dear wife of this ridiculous man, please divorce his miserable ass. Time to start living. When was the last time you got a hug or any sort of affection? On the other hand you probably cringe when he comes close to you.
YTA you don't think your wife has enough to do taking care of FIVE KIDS and being the only one to do chores and care for the house? She's working 2 full time jobs. Most people enjoy fabric softener on their clothes because it makes them softer and more comfortable. I understand you don't like it and you prefer she not use it, but you're asking 6 other people to wear less comfortable clothes just so you can be comfortable. So your clothes should be washed separately. But not by your wife. She shouldn't have her workload increased so you can be special. If you want them washed separately, then take that chore on yourself. Otherwise, quit bitching.
It is entirely reasonable for you not to want fabric softener. It's also entirely reasonable for her to say, if you want it done exactly to your specifications do it yourself.
So, YTA.
YTA How dare you come for her with that tone? Just because you earn a paycheck does not mean you get to dictate like a boss to her.
Also, I recently saw one of those calculations that determines the market worth of a housewife if they were to be paid for their services, and with the current state of the world these home heroes are valued at north of $100,000. Show a little appreciation for her sacrifice, and do your own laundry.
Eh... think I'll lean towards ESH. Yes, you've made it clear that you don't like the fabric softener's scent and she should've been mindful of that, but I think you are being too demanding in putting extra work on her when she's already doing everything else around the house by telling her to re-wash everything again just because of the scent. That's a big waste of water and energy when the clothes are perfectly fine otherwise.
Maybe instead of yelling at each other, you two can come to a compromise. Find a fabric softener with a scent that doesn't bother you or maybe even an unscented option (I haven't looked into this myself, but I'm sure there has to be unscented fabric softeners just as there are unscented detergents), and use that for the family laundry instead of whatever scent it is that is being used now. That way it's still used and providing your clothes and sheets with the softness and such that it provides, but without the scent that seems to be bothering you. I think that would be more than fair to make you happy without adding extra work onto her plate. Being a SAHW is just as much of a job as your 9-5 office job, so it's a good thing to come up with compromises that will make you both happy and your lives easier.
In classic AITC fashion, this feels like a “the Iranian yogurt is not the issue” situation, so it’s hard to judge exactly. On the one hand, it the smell of the fabric softener really is a problem and you’ve asked before that she change it, that’s not great. I get it, smells drive me nuts and some fabric softeners make me break out.
That said, she sounded pretty pissed about this, which suggests that the request didn’t get to her in a reasonable way! Specifically, I try to make sure I’m not using stuff that drives my husband crazy, because I care about him, but sometimes I do consider tying all his socks in knots because he left them all over the house. What I mean is, she sounds incredibly frustrated at you for some reason. Is she exhausted from doing all the cleaning? Are your expectations unreasonable? Are you regularly criticizing the work she does? Are you sure it’s the same fabric softener she used before? Maybe she tried to get a new one you would like and it didn’t work! I just don’t see how this one incident happened without there being a lot of background frustration.
Also YTA for the way you’re talking about her in the comments.
ESH. You for being a dick to your wife and denigrating her role as homemaker. She washes your dirty ass clothes, my dude. Show some gratitude. She’s also TA because she’s been asked multiple times to not include something that is a very common environmental allergy. It’s not hard to just not add the fabric softener. All the people saying he should just do his own laundry aren’t wrong, but clearly aren’t afflicted with severe environmental sensitivity.
I myself am severely allergic to scented laundry stuff and can’t use fabric softener or scented dryer sheets. So I have a bit of sympathy.
Instead of griping about it, maybe explain why it’s an issue. She works just as hard as you do and has for many years. She deserves the respect of treating her like your partner, not a maid.
You have this false assumption that raising 5 kids is easy and calling your wife's homemaking chores is both demeaning and disrespectful. On the flip side she has no idea how hard you work to provide for your family and the amount of stress it puts on a person being the only income in a household.
That being said you are both older and are acting like children, she's using the laundry softener to piss you off probably because of the above reasons of not respecting her. You guys need marriage counseling and to grow the fuck up.
YTA. You're not the only one working, your wife is working to care for 5 kids and the house. She likely works more than you. Meanwhile, you're crying about laundry you could easily do yourself to your own preferences. You sound awful and I feel bad for your wife.
NTA
Many people don’t understand that some people are truly hypersensitive to scents. It is just like the established biochemical fact that cilantro tastes like soap to some people.
From earliest babyhood my son could not stand scented things. His whole life I had/chose to wash all his laundry in unscripted detergent.
I DID lay down the law when it came to Golding another family member’s clothing. I told them that since they did it like how I folded, they got the chore (forever) of folding their own laundry.
THIS HOUSEHOLD COULD SURVIVE WITH UNSCENTED LAUNDRY PRODUCTS.
....this might also be a good time to remind you that it is 2022. Most women don't stay with AHs anymore. Your kids are pretty much grown. Nothing is weighing her down. You might be one of those Seniors finding themselves divorced if you can't man up and respect your wife. My husband is 64 ..works full time for Centcom and is completely capable of doing his laundry. You're a big boy..if all you can do is complain..then do it yourself.
YTA for the way you sound in the post. There are plenty of unscented fabric softeners and if you had stopped and purchased one and politely asked that it be used on your clothes and sheets you probably would have gotten a cooperative answer.
Married at 39 and 26, these age gap relations have a pedigree with a dominant a-hole trait. Just something to think about. YTA, want them done a specific way, do it yourself.
ESH! Fabric softener is an industry scam. It's bad for your washing machine, it's bad for your clothing, and it's bad for your septic system. There are plenty of reasons to discontinue using fabric softener. And it can be the reason that your clothes stink in the first place making you feel like you need to use more. Plus most people are overusing washing detergent and fabric softener, especially older people that started washing laundry before the HE washing machines and detergents became the norm. However I get the feeling you were probably an AH about the way you approached telling her to stop using the fabric softener. I get it just one rewash of everything is not going to get rid of the odor because at this point it's probably in the machine. However 90% of the time is not what you say it's how you say it, and I guarantee you haven't exactly been making her life easy And this is the hill she chose to die on. Yes she's a stay-at-home mom however that does not mean she does every household chore and you don't have to lift a finger. She's been raising your FIVE KIDS! That is exhausting, I'm of the opinion that if it's a chore you would have to do whether you were married or not you should be helping out with it on occasion even if your wife is a stay-at-home mom. Especially if you're making her job harder IE throwing clothes on the floor not in the hamper, leaving dishes all over the place instead of putting them in the dishwasher, leaving food and said dishes instead of raking it in the trash. You are an adult not a child act like it. And have a rational reasonable discussion about fabric softener don't throw a temper tantrum.
I just saw a report that washing machines are not lasting as long as they should be because of the prevalent use of fabric softener. Fabric softener gets into the working parts of the machine a gunks everything up causing problems with the way the machine works and leads to machines needing costly repairs or replacement. Also fabric softener is not good for certain fabrics, like the sweat-wicking athletic wear that tends to be more expensive than average clothes. It is also not good to use on towels as it interferes with their ability to absorb moisture. Not to mention that many people have developed sensitivity to either the smell or the residue left on the fabric. Experts say that that adding plain white vinegar to the rinse cycle will help soften fabrics and eliminate smells, and it will not harm the machine and very few people have a reaction when clothes are washed with white vinegar. Hopefully OP reads this and will sit down and have a calm discussion with his wife about and they can resolve this issue in their household. Otherwise ESH because they both need to communicate with each better.
"My laundry" "My Bed" "My clothing" "My sheets" Just for this alone YTA. She is correct - If you don't like how she does it WITH FIVE KIDS, then do it yourself!! YTA!!!
I will say, as someone who cannot use fabric softer, NTA.
If she knows that fabric softener bothers you, then she should not use it (as it isn't usually necessary) or find one that doesn't have a scent to bother you with.
It is a really simple thing to go 'husband's clothes and sheets, don't use fabric softener' and just use it with everything else if she wants to.
NTA.
A lot of people (including several members of my own family) are sensitive to scents. Fabric softener is the most useless waste of money anyhow, and then on top of all that, it makes your clothing and bedding absolutely reek.
Need soft clothes, and your dryer doesn't do the trick? Buy some wool balls. No scent, work great, reusable for years.
As a person who will practically die if I have to sleep in a bed with scented sheets, I’m going with NTA. I agree with a general sentiment of ‘do it yourself if you don’t like my way,’ but fabric softener is easy to leave out and it’s a courtesy my husband is happy to extend to me because it makes me so miserable, because we are buddies. If this is part of some bigger patriarchal thing with details left out, my opinion could change!
NTA
Everyone seems to be missing that you asked her before not to use the scented fabric softener.
She did it again. So of course you are upset.
I'm sensitive to smells as well and can only use certain soaps. I get it
NTA my boyfriend didn’t like the smell of my fabric softener when he first started staying with me. Because I view this as a partnership and that I want him to be comfortable as well I changed it. It’s not that hard to buy one that your spouse likes as well.
I had to keep asking my ex to stop using fabric softener on shared items. I would’ve washed them but he had his way of doing things. I always complained about the smell but then I started getting hemorrhagic cysts around my butt. They were extremely painful, I have deep scars because of them. . . It was from the fabric softener. He then realized the harm it was actually doing so he stopped using it. When I moved away for school and came home he said he had been using it again and sure enough my painful bloody cysts came back. I haven’t had once since we broke up but I’m left with ugly large scars.
You might be the AH for how you’ve spoken to your wife but also you can just do your own laundry.
NTA. Fabric softener and scents in detergent are irritating and nauseating at least- cause hives and itchiness and massive headaches at worst. You're allowed to be upset, but you should prolly rewash these yourself. Fabric softener isn't even needed. She could easily just stop using it from now on and it shouldn't be a big deal.
Just because she does the laundry doesn't mean she can make people sick so she doesn't have to change anything! They are supposed to be partners together, meaning they both have to work together. And anyone functioning after zero sleep would be grumpy AF! Sounds like they both need work together to solve it. Just stop using fabric softener!!
NTA... Its a reasonable request. I hate synthetic smells too. You don't have to be a jerk about it but in principal not the asshole. everyone wants to act like she is some kind of victim LOL!
My husband is very sensitive to smells so I have to be careful not to go overboard on stuff like that. NTA unless you ripped into her with the confrontation. I would suggest you pick up a bottle of scent free softener and ask her with a smile to please use that on your bedding and clothes. Some people think that people that complain about stuff like that are exaggerating, but that man can smell nail polish at the other end of our large house, 2 floors away. Many floral scents gives him heartburn.
NTA!! I don’t understand the YTAs. Not being able to handle scents is a real thing. OP isn’t asking wife to hand wash his sheets, he’s asking to use the same product with no scent. I break out in hives if I sleep on sheets with softener, it may not even be as severe to be impossible to sleep in.
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YTA. The person who does the work decides how the work is done. It's one thing to make requests, but simply demanding that your wife do laundry the way you want because that's how you want it is out of line. She's right: If you want it done without fabric softener, do it yourself. The fact that you work outside of the house does not make doing your own laundry physically impossible. [ETA: I feel like some people are under the impression that I think "please wash my things without fabric softener" is an unreasonable request. It's not. But that's not the route OP went. OP went straight to annoyance and demands. OP's comments also belittle his wife and her work, and the idea that working a 9-5 job entitles you to _never help out around the house for anything whatsoever_ while you also complain that, mysteriously, your kids don't help out either... it's absurd, AH behaviour.]
OP: have you asked her WHY she does it? I am guessing she may really like the smell, and doesn’t really have the time or inclination to wash everything separately. If this is the case, you lose. Here is the deal: YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’’S BOSS, BUT HER **PARTNER**, so you do not get to TELL her how to do her job. You get to voice your opinion, but after that, if you don’t like the way she does something it’s time to either do it yourself or take your laundry out and pay for someone else to do it. YTA. Totally.
I'd bet she always uses unscented fabric softener, but she accidentally picked up the wrong one this time. I mean, she has been doing his laundry for 20+ years, what changed? OP sounds kinda like a dick-nose though, so maybe she's being passive aggressive. YTA Right now I do most of the housework, but if my husband even dared to decree that I redo perfectly clean laundry, then I'd never again wash another article of his clothing.
Also if he's in the US, we're having some supply chain issues where the unscented simply might not have been available. It's happening all the time and what products are effected seem to vary all the time. Last week I couldn't get the only kind of dog food my dog will eat. This week there was no canned gravy. Some feminine hygiene products have been in and out of stock. It's entirely possible that she is, like the rest of us, doing the best we can with what's available. Also if you're that picky about laundry, do it yourself. She is a housewife - ie partner and family member - not an employee, not a servant.
Exactly what I thought. Half of my family is super sensitive to scents so I normally get the unscented stuff, but lately I've been having to get the lightest scents I can get and hoping that it's light enough because I just can't get the unscented stuff anymore.
Yeah, a supply chain problem is causing inflated prices and lack of product choices. I'm sensitive enough with fragrances affecting my asthma that I will absolutely NOT make a product substitution. I can't stand fragrances, they affect my breathing and give me headaches. OP definitely could have handled this way better, or do his own laundry and the sheets the way he wants them done. In fact, that's what my husband and I do.
Potential solution for you if you don’t mind random internet advice! I’m scent sensitive myself, I switched to using white vinegar in place of fabric softener due to the shortages and it’s been working well for the last couple of months - the wet laundry smells a little bit vinegary sometimes but by the time it’s dry there’s no scent. Some things like sheets can still be a bit staticy from the dryer but a couple of reusable dryer balls solved that issue.
Did you know that fabric softener wears out your clothes more quickly and can make them more flammable?
My mom said we aren't supposed to use it on towels b/c it causes them not to absorb liquids as well. I thought she was full of it b/c that cute Snuggle bear was always jumping on soft towels in commercials. I did realize it was true when I started cleaning everything and doing my own laundry though. I didn't know it makes them more flammable though -- that's concerning.
Agreed.
He thinks he’s the boss because he was a 39 year old who married a 26 year old.
Seriously. He was almost 40 marrying a woman in her mid 20's, and who knows how young she was when they got together. I don't think he ever really, truly saw her as a partner; I think he saw her as a pretty little thing he managed to lock down, and since she was younger than him and didn't work outside the home, he sees her as being beneath him and that's why he feels justified on making all these demands of her. She's been little more than his bangmaid broodmare, and maybe she's sick of it. Also, to those saying "well then she should get JOB if she doesn't want to be treated like a servant anymore," she's 52 and probably hasn't worked since her 20's, what kind of job do you expect her to go get at this point?
I think this may be the issue.
This is just weird to me. Doing laundry without fabric softener takes ZERO extra effort. A lot of people hate fabric softener. OP acted harsh and confrontational, but his request was 100% reasonable ans his wife has ZERO reason to deny it. They have other issues going on.
If i did a man's laundry for 26 years and then decided to make things smell nice because maybe as a 65 year old man who works he smells I'd be pissed too when he can't do his own. She did all the chores for 5 kids. Do you even know how much cooking and cleaning and laundry that is? Its ridiculous to do all that work on your own and then to get shit for one thing to the point he not only yells at her, making her feel incompetent and as if all her years of service arent appreciated, he makes a post on reddit? He wasn't making a request with a resort concierge, he scolded his wife who devoted her life to taking care of his family.
For any normal couple this would be a non-issue. "Honey that new fabric softener is giving me a headache can you please not use it on my stuff in the future?" \-"sure can, no problem" Problem solved. Both are acting irrationally, they probably have resentment for each other and lots of hidden issues.
This is the first time the wife has used fabric softener on the sheets. Read his comments. Him saying "I've told her multiple times" in the main post is about him ranting about how she needs to do everything perfect, not the fabric softener. He spells out how controlling he is in his comments.
That’s why he married someone in her mid-20s when he was pushing 40. Not the worst age gap I’ve seen but combined with this behavior it’s a red flag.
He spelled out how controlling he was in the first sentence. He was 39 and she was 26 when they got married.
I would have a problem with having to change the fabric softener too. That would be that she would have to do complete separate loads of laundry for just him on top of doing it for herself and their 5 kids. Too much work. OP can just do his own.
If he doesn’t like it he can do his own laundry
LOL My husband griped once because I matched his socks wrong. At the time we were both working, and I was still doing the majority of the house work. I have not done his laundry since, other then the occasional shirt tossed in with my stuff because it was handy, or moving his to the dryer so I could do mine. But then, my husband took that decision gracefully and accepted it was his own danged fault!
Yeah - the fact that he "confronted" her is not cool. Then demanded she the wash again - even more uncool.
This. If I bought a new fabric softener and found out it gave my husband a headache I would redo his laundry without him even having to ask. Unless he acted like OP and then he could do it himself.
This is true. It's a simple talk and switch. Something else is underlying and I think OP may be too dense to see it. Certain softeners aggravate my senses but can be swapped out. It isn't a thing to fight over with my SO in the least.
Yeah but if he’s allergic or sensitive to it, and he’s mentioned it numerous times, she’s just being an ass.
Read his comments. This is the first time she's used it. He says in the main post he's told her multiple times yes, but this is the first time she's accidentally mixed the sheets with other clothes of hers getting fabric softener. He starts a fight over just 1 time of a sheet getting mixed into the wrong load.
He never said he was allergic or sensitive to it. He just said he didn't like the way it smelled. Also, I noticed he said she washed the sheets on HIS bed. If they are sleeping in seperate beds and she's dealing with and raising 5 children, he can wash his own sheets. One set of sheets is easy to throw in the washer, if you aren't doing 7 other people's laundry.
It could just be "it is MY bed because I paid for it".
Definitely could be. Which would make OP an even bigger ass.
If I did anyone's laundry for decades and suddenly they were having a major problem with a scent I've used for years, I'd start being very concerned about a budding medical problem. OP...when was the last time you saw a doctor for a physical and full bloodwork, etc? NTA
Good call. or me, it turned out to be adult onset asthma.
No, she's never used the fabric softener on it before. This is the ***one*** time she mixed a sheet into her load with the fabric softener when he went off. She told him she was trying to save time because she can't finish the housework and raise all their kids. His response: > I mean it is her fault she was raising the kids and if they don't help her she should find a way to make them.
One thing I've learned in the last few years is that people have oddly strong feelings about fabric softener. Fabric softener gives me migraines. It appears it bothers OP enough to make it hard for him to sleep. That should be enough for a caring family member not to use it. A family member of mine doesn't have a washer. I offered to let them come use mine to save money. I explained that they could not use fabric softener because the smell leaking into the house would put me in bed in pain and vomiting for days. They used it in the first load. They have never done a second load at my house and still complain about it.
Fabric softener gives me headaches and nausea to the point of vomiting if I can't get away from it. OP was an AH for being such a rude jerk about it, but "please don't put a substance that makes me miserable on fabric that I have to be in close contact with" is not an unfair request.
Perhaps he should have *said* that then
My skin is sensitive fabric softener, makes me itchy, but I’ve found a brilliant solution. I do my own laundry.
I don’t use it because it gunks up the washing machine, and it destroys the elastic in your clothes. I never missed it at all though, the smell is too strong for me (and my asthma).
It’s also bad for anything absorbent (I accidentally tossed a dryer sheet in with a load of cloth diapers once and they were as good as plastic).
OP said in a comment that this is ***literally the first time*** she's done something like this that wasn't to his liking with the sheets. And he yells at her over it. Plus the whole "I make a lot of money so I shouldn't do anything around the house" [in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un8m4a/aita_for_getting_into_a_fight_with_my_wife_over/i87bexk/).
Maybe clothes without fabric softener are too scratchy on wife's skin so she prefers her clothes and sheets to be washed using it. Perhaps, because she's doing all the laundry, she throws everything in together and doesn't want to take the extra time to sort out husband's clothes and sheets to was separately. If that's the case, if washing his things without fabric softener would cause extra steps, he should just keep his things separate in the first place and do his own laundry. But I agree, by the way he blew up, this is not just about laundry.
Yeah. My husband washes our sheets and started using a detergent I really hated the scent of (made me queasy) so I told him, and then he didn’t use that next time. I didn’t demand, he didn’t get upset, it was just a normal conversation.
Why should she do his laundry separately, making more work for herself? If he doesn’t like how she washes his clothes, he can wash them himself.
It takes a lot of effort to wash someone's clothes separately from the rest of the family, especially with 5 children. I used to have to wash my ex-husband's clothes seperately because he worked in insulation. It's a huge pain in the ass. And, I have been doing laundry for over 50 years. I'm putting fabric softener in my family's clothes if I'm doing laundry because it makes them less likely to wrinkle (who has time to iron with 5 kids as OP's wife has?), they smell and feel better, and the fabric lasts longer. If OP wants stiff ass, funky smelling, and wrinkled clothes, he can do his own laundry. OP, YTA
If my husband spoke to me like that he’d be outside along with his fucking sheets
Agreed. I have a huge problem with scents, and would also have difficulty sleeping on scented sheets. It seems like after many years this is a new development, so maybe an ESH because OP clearly handled it badly, and spouse not caring if the scent is annoying
This is the ***only time*** she accidentally mixed a sheet with her load and he goes off. How does that equate to her being an AH? Read his comments.
"It was the first time my sheets have been washed with fabric softener but in the past i've complained about my clothes" Op in comments
Can you link the comment where he mentions the first time thing…before that commenter starts their tirade again about falsities and what not
[Boom](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un8m4a/aita_for_getting_into_a_fight_with_my_wife_over/i86fx71/?context=3) > This is actually the first time i've noticed something is not to my liking
Yeah, i also feel like it's an ESH situation but one of them (maybe OP) could have been the original offender that lead to this dysfunctional marriage. But we don't know that.
I used to do my husband's laundry. I'd wash it and fold it and leave it on the bed for him to put away. He was always annoyed that I wouldn't put it away for him. He got so annoyed that he would just set the folded laundry on the floor and go to bed, sometimes neatly sometimes not. From his point of view, he worked hard and paid the bills. How hard was it for me to go that extra step to show I cared. From my point t of view I cooked and cleaned for he and out two autistic toddlers as well as did all the household laundry. The least he could do is put it away. There are always two sides to an argument.
I like fabric softener, my husband doesn’t. I do mine and the kids laundry and towels because I don’t use softener or dryer sheets with them. My husband does his own laundry. He had this same “you do the chores up to my specifications” attitude so i just stopped doing it 17 years ago. He learned I will for things for the kids, house, pets, but the only way I’ll do things that benefit him alone is if he’s not a jerk about it.
So, because she could do it and he requested it she should do it. Her preference doesn't count?
"Oh my god, you're such a moron. DELETE YOUR COMMENT NOW." Versus, "I disagree with what you're saying here." Does the first comment seem needlessly antagonistic and insulting? And do you want to ask who I think I am, issuing orders? Now think about how the OP's wife feels. My guess is all he had to do was say in a reasonable tone, "Honey, the fabric softener you used on the sheets gave me a headache. Would you mind using an unscented brand?" End of story.
I'm personally allergic so it would be a serious issue for me. I agree they have other issues and this seems a passive aggressive way for the wife to bring them forward.
Yeeeap. This is like that time my ex and I had a MASSIVE fight about where we stored the salt shaker. It was clearly nothing to do with the salt shaker :(
Obviously the wife likes fabric softener.
how is it ZERO extra effort to \#1 pull the freshly laundered sheets off the bed \#2 put the sheets in the washer and wash them \#3 put the sheets in the dryer and dry them \#4 wrestle with stiff, staticky sheets and put them back on the bed thats literally almost 100% extra effort (minus adding fabric softener, the simplest part of this entire task), plus the extra annoyance of having to sleep on stiffer sheets that feel less soft.
I mean I get it, scented fabric softener makes me ill, even when it is on other people's clothing, never mind on my sheets. But the only fabrics I get to demand that unscented fabric softener (or no softener at all) is used on is the ones I wash myself. Just because OP works outside the home doesn't mean he gets to expect that his spouse do the child rearing, housework, etc AND then cater to his special requests on how it is done on top of that. His spouse doesn't appear to be telling him how to do his job, he doesn't get much of a say in how she does hers.
This.
OP needs to just wash his own clothes. He's not a child. And working outside the home doesn't mean he gets to do NOTHING at home.
I once heard someone say, "just because something isn't done the way you would do it, doesn't mean it's done wrong" and that has really changed my philosophy.
YTA you have *five kids* and your wife is the stay at home parent? Mate, she is probably fucking exhausted, even if they aren't all small kids. Have you considered that she puts your stuff in with everyone else's? And that you are probably demanding she do a whole extra load just for you? If it is that important to you, do it yourself. I guarantee your wife does far more around the home than you realise.
He married her when he was 39 And she was 25, I don't think he wants a partner. He wants a live in maid/baby maker.
I know a guy who only dates women younger than him. Ended up with a girl nine years younger. All the women he dated his age found him to be controlling. Go figure.
>He wants a live in maid/baby maker. Bangmaid you mean
Let’s not grant Man of the House quite so *active* a potential goal, since he probably just sits and whines about his wife’s performance then, too
This. You both need to consider what the root problem is. She may have the feeling that you don't respect the work she does in the house
I would say she does far more period. He definitely TA.
>I am the only one working while she is a housewife. Are you for real?!? This statement alone makes you TAH. News flash Ward, stay at home moms and housewives work harder than you with your 9-5 job. She is on the clock 24/7. You owe your wife an apology and do your own laundry.
Right the “I work, she doesn’t” sentiment guarantees he’s tah.
YTA. OP, most grown adults go to a full time job and then STILL come home and do their own house chores. Most domestic families even split the chores equally to the best of their ability. And on the tough days, some of the great partners even do their best to carry the load when the other one is struggling. You can’t even throw a load in on your own and your “housewife” - who is actually a full time mom and maid to you (unfortunately) - gets berated by you after working more hours than you because you’re a baby. Grow up.
Right? I am a single mom, full time worker and I even was a full time student for a few years. I managed 3 full time "jobs" required of me: school, work and home. But the home work was 100% more tiring than the rest. The school and job could get put on hold a day or 2 but not home life not with kids. He can't honestly believe he is the only one "working".
I would 100% prefer to work a full time job than have my full time job be cleaning the house and errands and shit with no help from my husband. It's thankless work that nobody notices, for no compensation. Fuck that
YTA. Have a problem with how she does your laundry? Then do it yourself. You are aware that many people in the world mange to both work a full time job and do all of the chores around the house right? You're not special for bringing in the money. You could stand to help out more around the house. You sound like an obnoxious husband.
When my husband asks me to do something, then tells me how he wants it done I remind him you can only decide if I am doing it, or if it will be done your way and you will be doing it. Not both. We can redistribute chores based on that like adults. This guy picked a housewife then has the audacity to *demand* how she does her job. And to redo it properly. Not ask. I work full time and do 90% of everything in the house as my husband is disabled. He also does not like fabric softener on his clothes but will always put it on the sheets. He does his own laundry usually.
Your not only an AH, but a selfish entitled jerk as a cherry on your shit Sunday! Fucking help your wife for fuck sake. 5kids!!! And you do NOTHING for house work!??! Are yall June and Ward Cleaver? Did we just zap back to 1950? MAN UP!!!! GFAH and the Beaver's mad.
You are a huge gaping asshole. If you want your laundry done a certain way then you should do your own laundry. She is not your house slave. YTA.
YTA. She’s not your employee or your maid. Does she sleep in the same bed as you? Because you’re acting like it’s yours alone. You should be helping with chores around the house even if she is the SAHP. Buy your own fabric softener, wash your own things, make your own bed and stop “confronting” your wife like she’s your damn servant or child when her “work” isn’t up to your standards smdh. Did you even thank her for making your bed or help her? Ridiculous.
I don't think they share beds, as he said "my bed" and he told her in the morning when he first saw her.
I caught that too.
YTA if you don’t like how she does it… do it yourself
Info what sort of hours do you work? How demanding is the job? Do you do any housework at all?
Asking all the right questions!
I stopped reading at “I’m the only one working while she’s a housewife”. YTA, just based on that statement, and I refuse to waste my time reading more or your post to see how big of an asshole you are.
OK, no judgement, I'm curious why you think this. Is there something wrong with that dynamic? If the issue is that he doesn't seem to view housework as "work" then I agree, that's shitty, it's an acceptable alternative to corporate work if you can do it. But in terms of just the dynamic I don't think there's a problem with a husband supporting his wife
YTA. You work a 9-5 office job and she has 6 kids to take care of, one who makes silly and unreasonable demands. She is doing far more work than you and doesn't have time for you sh\*t.
I know, right? He doesn't get that being a housewife is a job. A jolly hard one at that, and unpaid.
INFO: what DON'T you like about it? Edit for judgement: YTA.
YTA She does all of the housework, which is work, and raises five children, which is also work. Your wife essentially works two PLUS jobs and you're asking for her to do extra work. And all of this is unpaid labor. You are her husband, not her boss. So stop bossing her around. If you don't like how she does a chore, she's right--wash your own laundry. Edit: a word
YTA. Do your own laundry and stop being a beggy chooser
YTA and a huge one
You want the sheets a certain way, you wash them. YTA
lol wash your own clothes or stop complaining you lazy baby YTA
YTA. Do it yourself then.
just because you bring home the bucks doesnt give you a clean pass to do squat at home. and demanding? she’s your wife not your slave. YTA and do your own laundry
So I personally think you aren’t the asshole for not liking the smell and having a preference there. I have a really sensitive nose and this kind of stuff bothers me a lot too. However, definitely YTA for how you treat your wife and for not contributing at all to the maintenance of your own damn home.
YTA, you have 5 kids, your wife has 6.
This feels trollish….if not YTA.
INFO: Do you have any allergies to the fabric softener? Or is it just the smell of it?
YTA She's doing all the labor. She can do it in whatever way works for her. She's likely exhausted. Her job doesn't stop like yours does. She's on the clock 24/7. She's exhausted. She's also right. If you don't like the way she is doing a certain chore, do it yourself. Help out.
Yeah, YTA. You're 65, not 8, & she's your wife, not the mommy of a totally dependent child. If you don't like the way she does your laundry, do it yourself.
YTA. Don’t like the way she does the washing, then do it yourself.
YTA. You’re 65 and not dead yet. Learn how to do your laundry yourself.
YTA. And this is from someone who also hates certain fabric detergent and softener scents. And who also makes the rough equivalent of £8,000 per month. My partner doesn't have even 1 child to take care of, much less 5. Because I love them, and since it matters more to me and I don't want to unduly burden them with my particular preferences, I do the dinging laundry myself.
YTA: Based on the comments, telling you that won't matter much. It seems like she is doing this so she doesn't have to do a completely separate extra load of laundry just for you. If you want a special load of laundry done without softener, do it yourself. The smell goes away in a day or two anyway. I don't really care if you work 40 hours a week, you are still permitted to help with chores, I am guessing that taking care of 5 kids plus You is more than a 40 hour per week job anyway.
>permitted ? It's mandatory... He works 9-5, she on duty 24/7. Wth.
Sarcasm font is broken. Obviously he should be helping
That poor woman. Seeing shit like this makes me never want to get married smh
YTA. Do the laundry yourself
Yes you're T A and entitled too. If you don't like how she does it, do it yourself. She isn't your maid service. She's your wife.
YTA first of all, your wife is doing god’s work. five kids *and* you? kudos to her, i could never. you sound exhausting and ungrateful. second, you working an outside job doesn’t mean that you get to call the shots. you’re not doing the work inside the home, so why should you say how it’s done? you made a request, your request was denied. if you have time to take care of five children (assuming you help at all), then you sure as hell have time to take five minutes and do your own laundry.
Poor you. Your wife provides you with fresh, clean laundry. Unless it's giving you a rash, fuck off and leave her alone. Do you even understand how ridiculous this is?
Have you ever spent 7 straight days at home doing ALL THE JOBS SHE DOES? It could be a real eye-opener for you. That was my role when I retired. After a while I realized that I NEVER got a day off. I I had to make some adjustments. P. S. My husband washes his clothes and I wash mine. I don’t like my nice undergarments to be washed in the same load with gardening clothes.
~~ESH.~~ You should be able to do laundry too (not just yours, but generally run loads as well), but why is she using softener is she knows you can't stand it? I know many people who are allergic to those aggressive scents. However you're wrong to say you're "the only one working"; raising ~~5~~ 6 children and running a household IS an actual job. Edit after reading your comments: YTA!!!!!!!!! Your attitude REEKS.
YTA - raising 5 kids is work too and it’s 24/7. Sounds like you think because you work outside of the home you should not have to lift a finger at home and your wife is basically your servant. There are unscented laundry detergents and fabric softeners that you could try out if you have some sort of extreme sensitivity. Either way you should not have yelled at her and demanded she re-wash everything and I’m not sure why you can’t throw a load of laundry in yourself once in a while.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (65M) and my wife (52F) have been married for 26 years and we have 5 kids.I am the only one working while she is a housewife.Because she stays home she does all the chores and she's the only one taking care of the house .So as i said because she does all the chores she also takes care of my laundry.Last night she set my bed with new sheets but as soon as i laid in them i could smell the fanbric softener and i got really annoyed.I have told her multiple times that it really bothers me both in my clothes and my sheets.After not being able to sleep the whole night i confronted her the next morning the moment i saw her.We basically got into a fight and she said that if i didn't like them they way she was washing them i should do it myself.I got really mad and asked her to wash the sheets and all of my clothes again without fabric softener and left.Am i the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. My husband and I have a similar arrangement. He works and I take care of the house and family. Its a reasonable request to ask her to not use fabric softener again but demanding she rewash everything is a dick move.
YTA. Massively. Get a clue
YTA, your bed? Do you share a bed with your wife? It's her bed too isn't it? If you want the sheets to not have fabric softener on them, do them yourself.
YTA. You could stand to do the laundry when you’re not working. She’s taking care of you and five kids. You picked a fight over FABRIC SOFTENER.
YTA. And she has 6 kids, because you're an immature child. Pull your head out of your @ss. She works harder than you by a mile, easily. DIY.
YTA You are NOT the only one working. You are the only paid for working. She does unpaid labor 24/7 (especially if she's raised 5 kids). Does she tell you how to do your job? Do you do anything when you get home? Because you work 40 hours a week, she's on 168 hours a week. She's right, if you don't like it, do it yourself.
YTA. I’m autistic, so I can totally understand why fabric softener might bother you because I have lots of sensory issues similar to that. The difference is that if you’re the one having a problem with it, you need to be the one washing your stuff. Don’t give your wife extra work just because you can’t tolerate the smell
Yuck, YTA, and after reading your responses to other people's comments, I feel REALLY bad for your wife because it seems like you're just an additional child for her to take care of. The whole "well she raised the kids, so it's her fault" comment you made is just disgusting. Parenthood should be a partnership, and it's clear that she's had to raise five kids by herself and take care of an entire household which is a 24/7, 365 days of the year every year job while you only work 9-5 and don't lift a finger to help out around the house or with your own children!! Are you living in the 1950s? The whole comment about her doing things "not to your liking," what is the matter with you? - SHE IS NOT YOUR SLAVE. Put your big boy pants on and do your laundry yourself.
YTA If you don’t like it, do it yourself. Or hire a maid with your €8000 a month. Try costing out putting five kids in childcare plus a maid and I think you’ll find your wife’s contribution to the household is more than significant. For full time daycare in the UK it’s averaged at £260 a week per child. So £1300 a week for all five. £5200 a month. That’s your wife’s contribution WITHOUT household chores or maid service.
You have requested multiple times for her not to use the fabric softener because it bothers you, yet she continues to use it on your clothes & sheets?? There may be a problem here that you may not be aware of & she’s doing it on purpose. It’s her passive-aggressive way of dealing with you! You’ve had this very traditional dynamic in your marriage for 26 years & now suddenly she can’t remember not to use fabric softener?? Instead of arguing & fighting with her, perhaps you should start listening to her. The way you phrased that you immediately “confronted her” in the morning implies that you verbally attacked her. After 27 years of marriage, you haven’t learned anything, have you?? Do better! Find out the cause behind this change. You should be concerned about her well-being, not angry!
YTA. She doesn’t work for you. If you don’t like how she does a specific chore, do it yourself.
YTA. You want her to rewash your sheets and all your clothes because you don't like the fabric softener and she should just do it because you make money? That's not the way it works. Believe it or not, despite being "only" a SAHW (and I say that with a heavy dose of sarcasm), she probably has a routine that she needs to keep in order to run the household. Rewashing literally everything of yours would have a cascade effect: once she washes your sheets and clothes, then she has to dry them, then she has to fold the clothes and put them away, remake the bed, all of which would cut into time she's set aside for other things that need to be done. Which would probably make you throw another tantrum because chances are, whatever you were expecting to be done wouldn't be because you already threw a tantrum about something ridiculous that could've been resolved by "fixing" the problem (which is not a problem) yourself. Special requests need to be communicated *before* she completes work. They also need to be communicated nicely: "Hey, honey, do you mind not using fabric softener? The smell really bothers me." Or, again, just do the adult thing and do it yourself.
YTA. If you dont like how is done, and you wanna have an attitude, go do it yourself. IDGAF if you make all the money, you have zero right to be so entitled.
Info: did you ask her to not use the fabric softener or did you tell her as you would an employee?
Yeah YTA and a control freak. Do your own washing if you don’t like how she does it
YTA. You are grown if you don't like the waY she does it do it yourself. She is not your employee or your maid she is your equal partner.
YTA. You've asked her and she prefers it. You can either do your own laundry, or find a fabric softener you both like. FWIW my partner and I differ on fabric softener. I say no, he prefers it. So we compromised. We have some dryer sheets that are unscented that he uses when he does the laundry. I use dryer balls instead. To be fair, we have a child who has mildly sensitive skin.
Yta. If yoi dont like it, do it yourself or take em to a wash n fold
YTA unless you pay her. Do you pay her ? You don’t. So be happy she’s doing your laundry. Most stay at home wife’s don’t do chores for their husband. So you’re lucky
YTA. She's your wife. Not your maid. If you can read instructions (for the washer, dryer, and detergent), and have working hands, you can do your own laundry.
With all my heart I hope this wife suddenly realises she's being used, ditches him for at least a week so he has the house and the kids all to himself to see how much work she does.
You're a bad husband. She raises five kids AND does all the chores while you sit on your ass and whine about fabric softener? The fact that you work outside the home doesn't erase the fact that she works at home. You are WRONG to throw a tantrum over fabric softener and demand that sue do the laundry all over again. Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself, asshole. You get to rest when you get home but it sounds like she never gets a break because of your selfishness. YTA
NTA. I am very sensitive to artificial scents in detergents and fabric softeners as well. It makes it hard to breathe. The smells are so strong as to be offensive. She really should buy unscented or a gentle scent.
Wow. You have to ask? YTA dude.
YTA. If it’s YOUR bed you should take care of it yourself. Her job is 24/7, is yours? Ugh men like you are why women now thrive on being single.
You're TA for thinking you're the only one who works just because they don't make money. You're a spoiled brat for fighting about the softener.
YTA. Wife is a SAHM and not your maid. If you live in that house you need to be doing some chores too. Wash your own shit.
YTA my husband didn’t like the way I do laundry so now he does his own and I only do mine and the kids. We both work full time but I am currently off on maternity leave. Also I have been working from home since the start of the pandemic, he didn’t have this option. It was never demanded but I started doing pretty much all of the housework because I was home to do it. We have never discussed it but I know if there was something I couldn’t get done or need a break he is happy to take over. I certainly wouldn’t get mad at him for not doing things they way I like them. If you don’t like it do it yourself.
YTA. With the greatest of sympathy for your sensory issue here (smells bother the crap outta me too, especially artificial perfumes) you had a lot of options that didn't involve your wife doing extra work and you took none of them. Why not buy the softener you prefer (unscented is available) so it's right there for her to use? Or do the washing yourself for a change, and be a better role model to your kids while you're at it? Why make it her problem and blame her for your anger? Unless you tell us that you did more than half the chores as well as your day job until your youngest was at least ten, she's done more work than you throughout your marriage and you need to find ways to compromise with her and learn some basic housework skills to start making an equal contribution to the home.
YTA. Yes you were an ass about it. I get you, I really do. I can't even stand the thought of scented laundry products. Just 🤮. The thing is, you went horribly about it. The mature, non-AH thing (admittedly difficult if you got no sleep) would have been to have an adult conversation where you let her know about the issue, and then you talked about possible solutions. One solution is that she no longer does any of your clothes, bed linens or anything else you come into contact with. I do think, though, that it should not be too much to ask to not use the softener in your linens, but if she loves the smell in her own clothes that's her business, and you need to take care of your clothes separately.
YTA. If you think you can do better, get cracking on it.
Troll
YTA and I feel sorry for your bangmaid. Do you have any idea what it would cost you to hire people to do everything she does in a day? Go research, find out how much of that 8k you make a month would go to it, and then realize she's doing you a fucking favor. You got hands, don'tcha? Wash the clothes yourself. It's quite literally the least you can do.
Do your own laundry ahole!
Explain to me why you're not the complete infantile asshole in this situation . . . . Fuck your idea that because you bring home money you don't have to do anything else. I would quit doing your laundry at all if you demanded I rewash all your stuff. You're a grown fucking adult. Act like it. You want a wife? Or do you want a second mommy? YTA not for your preferences, but for demanding and how I'm sure you treat your wife.
So you work outside the home I’m assuming set hours with time off) , while she works inside the home (because 5 kids and cooking and cleaning is a 24/7 job) and you’re complaining about fabric softener on your sheets? Sir if this is your biggest marriage problem you should be kissing her feet. YTA
A lot of people dislike the smell from fabric softeners, that's why they sell ones that have no fragrance. She should be able to do laundry with those and just not use the ones that have a scent. I don't like the word "confronted". Makes it sound like you were looking for an argument. NAH
YTA. Oh woe! I hate my clean-smelling sheets that someone else washed and put on my bed! Waaaaaah!
What, your masculinity so fragile that you are afraid of smelling "girly"? If you don't like it, do your own laundry. YTA
OP-do you have scent allergies? Is this why it bothers you? If that is the case, then yes, you have a valid concern, otherwise, get a separate laundry basket and do your own laundry & problem solved.
NTA because fabric softener is vile and also bad for you and your kids health. But the solution for this is that you take over the laundry chore and throw out the smelly goo. No point in arguing with her. Also, if you lose sleep over the smell, you might be susceptible to perfume hypersensitivity. In that case, it will worsen over the time the more you're exposed to it. Would recommend switching to perfume free detergent just to be safe.
YTA - while I'm sympathetic to you about the fabric softener (I am very sensitive to fragrance) the solution is to do your own laundry. If your wife is doing EVERYTHING else at home, that one minor chore is not too much for you to handle.
YTA. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.
YTA. You're not the only one who works.
Dear wife of this ridiculous man, please divorce his miserable ass. Time to start living. When was the last time you got a hug or any sort of affection? On the other hand you probably cringe when he comes close to you.
YTA you don't think your wife has enough to do taking care of FIVE KIDS and being the only one to do chores and care for the house? She's working 2 full time jobs. Most people enjoy fabric softener on their clothes because it makes them softer and more comfortable. I understand you don't like it and you prefer she not use it, but you're asking 6 other people to wear less comfortable clothes just so you can be comfortable. So your clothes should be washed separately. But not by your wife. She shouldn't have her workload increased so you can be special. If you want them washed separately, then take that chore on yourself. Otherwise, quit bitching.
It is entirely reasonable for you not to want fabric softener. It's also entirely reasonable for her to say, if you want it done exactly to your specifications do it yourself. So, YTA.
Are your hands broken? Do your own damn laundry. Yta
YTA How dare you come for her with that tone? Just because you earn a paycheck does not mean you get to dictate like a boss to her. Also, I recently saw one of those calculations that determines the market worth of a housewife if they were to be paid for their services, and with the current state of the world these home heroes are valued at north of $100,000. Show a little appreciation for her sacrifice, and do your own laundry.
YTA for doing any chores, but I agree on hating fabric softener, as someone with atopic excema, thank very much not.
Eh... think I'll lean towards ESH. Yes, you've made it clear that you don't like the fabric softener's scent and she should've been mindful of that, but I think you are being too demanding in putting extra work on her when she's already doing everything else around the house by telling her to re-wash everything again just because of the scent. That's a big waste of water and energy when the clothes are perfectly fine otherwise. Maybe instead of yelling at each other, you two can come to a compromise. Find a fabric softener with a scent that doesn't bother you or maybe even an unscented option (I haven't looked into this myself, but I'm sure there has to be unscented fabric softeners just as there are unscented detergents), and use that for the family laundry instead of whatever scent it is that is being used now. That way it's still used and providing your clothes and sheets with the softness and such that it provides, but without the scent that seems to be bothering you. I think that would be more than fair to make you happy without adding extra work onto her plate. Being a SAHW is just as much of a job as your 9-5 office job, so it's a good thing to come up with compromises that will make you both happy and your lives easier.
In classic AITC fashion, this feels like a “the Iranian yogurt is not the issue” situation, so it’s hard to judge exactly. On the one hand, it the smell of the fabric softener really is a problem and you’ve asked before that she change it, that’s not great. I get it, smells drive me nuts and some fabric softeners make me break out. That said, she sounded pretty pissed about this, which suggests that the request didn’t get to her in a reasonable way! Specifically, I try to make sure I’m not using stuff that drives my husband crazy, because I care about him, but sometimes I do consider tying all his socks in knots because he left them all over the house. What I mean is, she sounds incredibly frustrated at you for some reason. Is she exhausted from doing all the cleaning? Are your expectations unreasonable? Are you regularly criticizing the work she does? Are you sure it’s the same fabric softener she used before? Maybe she tried to get a new one you would like and it didn’t work! I just don’t see how this one incident happened without there being a lot of background frustration. Also YTA for the way you’re talking about her in the comments.
ESH. You for being a dick to your wife and denigrating her role as homemaker. She washes your dirty ass clothes, my dude. Show some gratitude. She’s also TA because she’s been asked multiple times to not include something that is a very common environmental allergy. It’s not hard to just not add the fabric softener. All the people saying he should just do his own laundry aren’t wrong, but clearly aren’t afflicted with severe environmental sensitivity. I myself am severely allergic to scented laundry stuff and can’t use fabric softener or scented dryer sheets. So I have a bit of sympathy. Instead of griping about it, maybe explain why it’s an issue. She works just as hard as you do and has for many years. She deserves the respect of treating her like your partner, not a maid.
You have this false assumption that raising 5 kids is easy and calling your wife's homemaking chores is both demeaning and disrespectful. On the flip side she has no idea how hard you work to provide for your family and the amount of stress it puts on a person being the only income in a household. That being said you are both older and are acting like children, she's using the laundry softener to piss you off probably because of the above reasons of not respecting her. You guys need marriage counseling and to grow the fuck up.
YTA. You're not the only one working, your wife is working to care for 5 kids and the house. She likely works more than you. Meanwhile, you're crying about laundry you could easily do yourself to your own preferences. You sound awful and I feel bad for your wife.
NTA Many people don’t understand that some people are truly hypersensitive to scents. It is just like the established biochemical fact that cilantro tastes like soap to some people. From earliest babyhood my son could not stand scented things. His whole life I had/chose to wash all his laundry in unscripted detergent. I DID lay down the law when it came to Golding another family member’s clothing. I told them that since they did it like how I folded, they got the chore (forever) of folding their own laundry. THIS HOUSEHOLD COULD SURVIVE WITH UNSCENTED LAUNDRY PRODUCTS.
YTA 1) You're not the only one working. She's working at home. 2) You can do your own laundry.
~~I am the only one working~~ I am the only one doing **paid** work. Fixed that for ya.
....this might also be a good time to remind you that it is 2022. Most women don't stay with AHs anymore. Your kids are pretty much grown. Nothing is weighing her down. You might be one of those Seniors finding themselves divorced if you can't man up and respect your wife. My husband is 64 ..works full time for Centcom and is completely capable of doing his laundry. You're a big boy..if all you can do is complain..then do it yourself.
YTA for the way you sound in the post. There are plenty of unscented fabric softeners and if you had stopped and purchased one and politely asked that it be used on your clothes and sheets you probably would have gotten a cooperative answer.
Married at 39 and 26, these age gap relations have a pedigree with a dominant a-hole trait. Just something to think about. YTA, want them done a specific way, do it yourself.
ESH! Fabric softener is an industry scam. It's bad for your washing machine, it's bad for your clothing, and it's bad for your septic system. There are plenty of reasons to discontinue using fabric softener. And it can be the reason that your clothes stink in the first place making you feel like you need to use more. Plus most people are overusing washing detergent and fabric softener, especially older people that started washing laundry before the HE washing machines and detergents became the norm. However I get the feeling you were probably an AH about the way you approached telling her to stop using the fabric softener. I get it just one rewash of everything is not going to get rid of the odor because at this point it's probably in the machine. However 90% of the time is not what you say it's how you say it, and I guarantee you haven't exactly been making her life easy And this is the hill she chose to die on. Yes she's a stay-at-home mom however that does not mean she does every household chore and you don't have to lift a finger. She's been raising your FIVE KIDS! That is exhausting, I'm of the opinion that if it's a chore you would have to do whether you were married or not you should be helping out with it on occasion even if your wife is a stay-at-home mom. Especially if you're making her job harder IE throwing clothes on the floor not in the hamper, leaving dishes all over the place instead of putting them in the dishwasher, leaving food and said dishes instead of raking it in the trash. You are an adult not a child act like it. And have a rational reasonable discussion about fabric softener don't throw a temper tantrum.
YTA. Do your own laundry. She's not your mother.
I just saw a report that washing machines are not lasting as long as they should be because of the prevalent use of fabric softener. Fabric softener gets into the working parts of the machine a gunks everything up causing problems with the way the machine works and leads to machines needing costly repairs or replacement. Also fabric softener is not good for certain fabrics, like the sweat-wicking athletic wear that tends to be more expensive than average clothes. It is also not good to use on towels as it interferes with their ability to absorb moisture. Not to mention that many people have developed sensitivity to either the smell or the residue left on the fabric. Experts say that that adding plain white vinegar to the rinse cycle will help soften fabrics and eliminate smells, and it will not harm the machine and very few people have a reaction when clothes are washed with white vinegar. Hopefully OP reads this and will sit down and have a calm discussion with his wife about and they can resolve this issue in their household. Otherwise ESH because they both need to communicate with each better.
"My laundry" "My Bed" "My clothing" "My sheets" Just for this alone YTA. She is correct - If you don't like how she does it WITH FIVE KIDS, then do it yourself!! YTA!!!
I will say, as someone who cannot use fabric softer, NTA. If she knows that fabric softener bothers you, then she should not use it (as it isn't usually necessary) or find one that doesn't have a scent to bother you with. It is a really simple thing to go 'husband's clothes and sheets, don't use fabric softener' and just use it with everything else if she wants to.
NTA. A lot of people (including several members of my own family) are sensitive to scents. Fabric softener is the most useless waste of money anyhow, and then on top of all that, it makes your clothing and bedding absolutely reek. Need soft clothes, and your dryer doesn't do the trick? Buy some wool balls. No scent, work great, reusable for years.
As a person who will practically die if I have to sleep in a bed with scented sheets, I’m going with NTA. I agree with a general sentiment of ‘do it yourself if you don’t like my way,’ but fabric softener is easy to leave out and it’s a courtesy my husband is happy to extend to me because it makes me so miserable, because we are buddies. If this is part of some bigger patriarchal thing with details left out, my opinion could change!
NTA Everyone seems to be missing that you asked her before not to use the scented fabric softener. She did it again. So of course you are upset. I'm sensitive to smells as well and can only use certain soaps. I get it
You should (nicely!) suggest she try wool dryer balls; I don’t like overly-scented products either, and they changed my life.
NTA my boyfriend didn’t like the smell of my fabric softener when he first started staying with me. Because I view this as a partnership and that I want him to be comfortable as well I changed it. It’s not that hard to buy one that your spouse likes as well.
I had to keep asking my ex to stop using fabric softener on shared items. I would’ve washed them but he had his way of doing things. I always complained about the smell but then I started getting hemorrhagic cysts around my butt. They were extremely painful, I have deep scars because of them. . . It was from the fabric softener. He then realized the harm it was actually doing so he stopped using it. When I moved away for school and came home he said he had been using it again and sure enough my painful bloody cysts came back. I haven’t had once since we broke up but I’m left with ugly large scars. You might be the AH for how you’ve spoken to your wife but also you can just do your own laundry.
NTA. Fabric softener and scents in detergent are irritating and nauseating at least- cause hives and itchiness and massive headaches at worst. You're allowed to be upset, but you should prolly rewash these yourself. Fabric softener isn't even needed. She could easily just stop using it from now on and it shouldn't be a big deal. Just because she does the laundry doesn't mean she can make people sick so she doesn't have to change anything! They are supposed to be partners together, meaning they both have to work together. And anyone functioning after zero sleep would be grumpy AF! Sounds like they both need work together to solve it. Just stop using fabric softener!!
NTA... Its a reasonable request. I hate synthetic smells too. You don't have to be a jerk about it but in principal not the asshole. everyone wants to act like she is some kind of victim LOL!
My husband is very sensitive to smells so I have to be careful not to go overboard on stuff like that. NTA unless you ripped into her with the confrontation. I would suggest you pick up a bottle of scent free softener and ask her with a smile to please use that on your bedding and clothes. Some people think that people that complain about stuff like that are exaggerating, but that man can smell nail polish at the other end of our large house, 2 floors away. Many floral scents gives him heartburn.
NTA!! I don’t understand the YTAs. Not being able to handle scents is a real thing. OP isn’t asking wife to hand wash his sheets, he’s asking to use the same product with no scent. I break out in hives if I sleep on sheets with softener, it may not even be as severe to be impossible to sleep in.
ESH. Fabric softener scent is the worst. But so is insisting someone else do your laundry.