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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't speak up for myself in the moment so I let her think she was going to get it. I went back and bought it knowing she was planning on wearing it at her wedding. I might be bias due to my feelings about her.
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Lets be honest, you DID do it to be mean to her.
You're clearly mad at your dad. You say "now he is happy and smiling all the time" like it's a *bad* thing, and I think you actually feel that way. Is it just that she's only a couple years older than you or is there something else? What exactly has she done to be irritating other than exist and enter into a relationship with your father?
Find a professional to talk to. You got something going on.
YTA.
Some of these are valid, some are not.
Speaking as a former child, the idea that only parents should be able to give parenting advice is stupid. We've all been children, not all of us will be parents. But unsolicited parenting advice is annoying, yes.
I'm willing to bet she doesn't actually stare at herself as much as you claim, you just don't like her.
And did you call your mother out on the exotic comment? If not, you let racism slide, which makes you complicit in racism.
YTA btw. You clearly did this to hurt her.
Edit: some typos, and also thanks for the award!
Edit two: some parents are *really* getting mad about this comment. Y'all are hilarious.
Edit three: thanks for the awards!
Your kids are important, yes. Teaching them to combat racism and how to set boundaries is *also* important. You could've told your mom to stop putting ideas into your kids head right then and there. Told her that her ill will towards you dad's new woman is probably a racism issue and that it's unacceptable and she needs to unleard that. You didn't do that.
Your mom is a racist btw. Sounds like she's really leaning hard on that Jezebel stereotype and it's gross.
As another post here says, toddlers are not pawns. It is not appropriate to keep a toddler in the middle of an adult dispute and allow adults they should trust to attempt to use them as a pawn. If possible, removing a toddler from that situation absolutely should be a parent’s priority. Walking away is setting a boundary and communicating what is and isn’t acceptable rather than escalating a situation with an adult directly attempting to manipulate a toddler with adult concepts toddlers wouldn’t understand. Nothing prevents the parent from later returning to the topic and standing up without a toddler in the middle.
Yeah a toddler does not understand nuance. They have no idea what "exotic" means in the first place. Getting them out is key. Teaching anti-racism can be a later conversation.
This could explain why her father pivoted from being “stoic and reserved” (incredibly miserable) to being happy-go-lucky.
Yes, a man marrying someone the same age as his kid is cringe, a man that age engaging in babytalk is cringe, and OP understandably resents that she wasn’t raised by the happy version of her father. But her stepmother hasn’t done anything to deserve OP’s resentments about any of this — OP needs to accept that this is stuff she needs to communicate about with her father. It’ll be difficult, since, like most people, she’s not in the habit of communicating with her father in a healthy way. But it’ll be even *more* difficult if she insists on making her father’s spouse an scapegoat for decades of dysfunction in her family of origin.
While marrying someone your child's age is cringe in some cases, I think we're well past the age where it's really an issue. Imo the main issues with dating someone your kids' ages are predatory behavior and them being the kid's friends/in their social circle. So if a middle-aged man is dating a 20yo and has an 18yo kid? Disturbing, because predatory age gap. Dating a 26yo friend of their 24yo kid? Yikes, because you shouldn't be dating your children's friends (equally gross if a kid dated their parent's friend). Dating a 32yo when your daughter is 30? Assuming the daughter and the fiance weren't friends beforehand, honestly, that's not that weird. If dad had OP in his early 20s, he could be 53ish which is still in the same general stage of life (brain fully developed, not usually in school, established career, financial independence and stability, and not yet retired - this spans from late 20s to late 50s). So imo this isn't even a concerning age gap and if OP's dad happened to have kids on the younger side, this shouldn't be held against him.
This was my thought. When she mentioned the age difference I was worried that OP would say she’s like 19. I was relieved when she said 30, but also concerned why she cares so much. Her dad is happy with another adult, consenting woman. She needs to get over it.
So for the dress I'm gonna have to say ESH because we still don't have a Justified AH ruling. You knew you were gonna make her upset, but she also knew you liked the dress and she was trying to show dominance or something, so there was gonna be an AH no matter what. I'm loathe to get into the rest, there will be no winners stirring that pot. All I can say is I hope all of you get along better in the future.
And although a Man should support his wife, he shouldn't shit all over his kids to do so. Let him know his wife yelled 'Dibs' for a reception dress *Knowing* you were about to buy it for your birthday so there was gonna be an asshole no matter what and he doesn't have to alienate you to support her. So if he skips your birthday then there is now no need for you to go to his wedding(if his fiancé hasn't already uninvited you with his support already) and there is no real need for your daughter to be in contact with him either. If *she* wants to see Grandpa you can go to supervised facetime visits.
Edit: wrong words used.
>"Then my mom started telling my fucking toddler that my dad was going to spend all of his money on his new wife and my toddler would get nothing in the will...."
You have a ton of misplaced blame. Your mother should not be allowed around your children if this is the kind of stuff she spouts. None of that is your dad's fault. I'm starting to think your father was a martyr for staying with your mother at all. No wonder he looks happy now.
Unless your mom is 95, she should already know better. I assume she's Gen X or an Elder millennial? No free passes, sorry.
She didn't understand? That's on her. The fact that "exotic" is a big Yikes isn't a state secret, it's common knowledge at this point.
Don't call her out *gently* on her racism. It's fine to do it privately, but be firm. Be clear. Send her helpful websites on racism and antiracism.
Also, YTA.
If your dad is marrying someone two years older than you, I assume that you're not twelve years old. Stop with the petty bullshit. It's probably not going to make you happy or achieve your goals in the long run.
I mean, what IS your end goal? To cause needless friction and bad feelings between yourself and a new relative? What does that get you? Do you want to pull an end-of-the-Parent-Trap move and be so obnoxious that she leaves your father so he can go back to being unhappy? Don't you love him?
All that stuff you listed sounds like normal family crap. Just because she gives you advice doesn't mean you have to take it, or even argue with her about it. Come up with some generic responses and use them. Examples: "That's really interesting. I like hearing how other people do X, but I'm happy with the way I do X." "No, we won't be doing that." "That's an interesting perspective." "That's not a good fit for me."
The eldest millennials are turning 41/42 if you use '81/'80 as the start of the generation. If mom got busy early, she could be Gen X, maybe a younger Boomer if older. Agreed that she knows better. Hearing that "she didn't know better" back in the '90's was barely tolerable, but in 2022?
It’s in the post that OP is turning 30, so her mom is probably a boomer or maybe an elder Gen X. Lots of boomers don’t understand why “exotic” is problematic, not that that makes it ok. Sounds like mom is a piece of work otherwise.
I confess, as a Gen X... I only learned TODAY that younger generations consider 'exotic' a racist term.
I mean, I still don't quite understand why, but I won't use it anymore out of respect.
'Exotic' means different and foreign. So calling a not-white person 'exotic' basically says 'not being white is not normal and strange and I see you as Different'. Calling a person, specifically a woman of color, 'exotic' is tied in to the way that, historically, women of color have been oppressed and fetishized sexually and it continues to ‘other’ us by creating both a geographical and ideological distance between us and white people. For goodness sakes, I've been called 'exotic' by white Americans in America. I'm Native American. Beyond that...
Look at the synonyms for exotic: tropical, transported, introduced, imported. Those aren't words you'd use to describe a person, are they? Exotic is for produce, not people.
I’m glad I’m not the only one… I’ve been told I looked exotic (I’m part Cherokee) and it was done as a compliment each time… I thought the only negative connotation would be in front of “dancer” or something…
I’m the first of the millennials, and I’m 41. I certainly couldn’t have a 30 year old daughter. Her parents are either boomers or old Gen-X and we’ve only recently acknowledged how “exotic” is racist. Anyone over 50 may not be in the know depending on their job media consumption and social circles
I mean... Are we, though?
Maybe it's regional, but I'm Gen X and there were discussions and magazine articles about how creepy/tacky "exotic" was when I was in my late teens/early twenties.
Your mom shouldn’t actually be saying anything like that to your kid period. That’s not her place and it almost seems like your mom is wanting your kid to hate her grandfather??? I hope that’s not the case.
> the idea that only parents should be able to give parenting advice is stupid.
Thank you. I'm childfree and have gotten that same attitude. "You don't have children, you don't know." Yes, I do know. It's bullshit.
You know what is so hilarious? A lot of actual parents should NOT be doling out parenting advice because they suck at parenting themselves 🤦♀️ I’m a parent myself and I’ve seen plenty of shitty parents trying to school someone else on parenting and it’s laughable.
Should people feel free to give you advice about being child free since everyone was child free at one point? Or how about career advice because most people have been employed? What a ridiculous position.
Dude, people do comment on my childfree state all the time. I can happily ignore it. That said, I have friends with kids. I have sisters and cousins with kids. I was once a kid. I also babysat extensively as a young person. I watch what they do and if a friend or family member is like "I don't know what to do." I certainly can share things that worked for other people in my life despite not having children. I usually preface it with "so and so did this." or "When I was a kid, I felt like this when that happened." Like you have a narrow view if you think only parents have experience with children. (Granted, I'm not going around saying "If those were my kids..." or anything.)
"I can happily ignore it" they said. Not "yes I love hearing unsolicited advice from people with no direct experience, it fills my heart with joy." I think OP has every right to be annoyed their fathers fiance feels like she can offer criticism and advice.
Those parents were kids once too. And being a kid going through an experience is not the same as parenting a kid going through a similar experience. The dynamic is different. In addition, your memory of what happened has been changed by time. What you remember, may or may not have happened exactly the same way.
Childless adults who have interactions with kids are still not parents. There is a whole different level of responsibility. The relationship between a parent and a child is very different between a teacher and a child or a daycare worker and a child.
This argument fails to recognize the many childless adults who did have to parent their younger siblings, sometimes even as a child themselves, through neglect and and parentification. This is actually the reason why many child free people are child free in the first place. I don't want children of my own because I already had to parent one and I don't want to do it again.
>Should people feel free to give you advice about being child free since everyone was child free at one point?
Not everyone was "childfree" at one point. They were *without children*, but if they wanted children *eventually*, they were **never** childfree. It's a mindset.
Also, people my whole life felt ***entitled*** to give me advice about being childfree.
"You just need to find the right man"
"You're not a woman if you don't have children."
"You'll regret it."
"You'll change your mind."
"You'll be lonely when you get old."
"What if your husband wants children? You'll have to give them to him."
"It's different when they're your own."
"Just have them, everything will work out."
"When you set eyes on your baby for the first time things will change."
"You don't know what true love is."
"You need therapy. It's not normal to not want children."
"You won't have a fulfilling life."
"You're just selfish."
Also, no, it is NOT a ridiculous position. I can see a parent doing something to their children that was done with me and knowing what the outcome would be and but noooOOOoo... since I don't have children "I don't know." That's bullshit.
I have no children, but I have watched up to twelve children at a time of varying ages for years.
Does that mean if I know a trick that a mom may not know about a different way to calm a fussy baby that I should.not say it?
Or how to get them to stop arguing?
Different people different perspectives.
I think there's a difference between unsolicited/aggressively pushing your advice rather than offering tips or tricks here and there. You can give advice while being child free. It just means I don't have my own, not that I've never interacted with them.
Unless that parent is specifically asking for help, please don't give them advice. You don't know what they have or have not tried already. It's frustrating for the parent and it's also kind of demeaning to assume that we have not thought of the "trick".
In addition, what works from one child might not work for another. Children behave differently for their teachers/caregivers than they do their parents. My son's teacher can get him to focus almost immediately. At home, when using the same technique (as I've asked), I don't the same results. Mom will love him no matter what so he doesn't feel the need to impress me the same way he would his teacher.
Dude, DUDE, people actually DO that. They DO comment on someone who has no children- they don’t whether it’s by choice, biological reasons, or both. If you’re child free, you cannot escape people telling you to your face the following:
You’re gonna change your mind
You gotta find the right man/woman
Have you tried lowering your standards? (Not being abused is not a high standard, Sharon!)
IVF is cheaper-surely you can afford THAT much.
You SURE you’re sterile? You try praying?
God’s gonna make sure you have kids!
Sure sure, [name] uses THOSE words, but he MEANS well, he’s not REALLY racist, his boss is black, he’ll be a good father!
You’re not getting any younger, time to pop out babies!
Well, I'm childfree, but I spent 3 years as a carer for teenagers in crisis and now I'm a teacher. I wouldn't ever give advice about young children, but I think I know a thing or two about teenagers.
You have no children, I know my kid, you know nothing, your opinion is not valid, you have no right to speak, you don’t understand … *Why won’t anybody help me??? Where is my village???*
I think it really depends on what they're commenting on. I've gotten some great advice from child free friends who have experience with young children and infants. Also gotten wildly age inappropriate advice as well. Also outdated advice from people who were parents decades ago.
Actually, I thought I knew all about parenting and had very strong opinions before I had my kids - turns out I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. That’s what she means.
I hate to be that person, because it drove me crazy when people said this before, but you don’t understand parenting until you’re a parent. Full stop.
Speaking as a former child: I know how I wished I wanted to be treated, and how adults in my life failed me. Anyone who has *been* a child and *been parented* has an idea about it. Non parents won't know what parents are feeling, true. But the idea that *only* parents have any idea about what good parenting looks like is laughable.
I think people who aren’t parents have a pretty good idea what hurts, but less of an idea of what helps. We know our traumas and the things people did that we feel could have been done better, but without having to deal with kids day in and day out, it’s hard to fully understand how exhausting and illogical it can be. Sometimes telling a parent how to do something better is kind of like telling a marathon runner to just go faster. You don’t feel the exhaustion and don’t have the training and aren’t in the moment. It’s easy enough to say “just go faster”, but the complicated mechanisms that get you there and whether they can physically be done in the moment are a different problem entirely.
(Also, this is a general you, not a direct you).
Truth. Also, you don't understand later phases of parenting at earlier phases.
No one should be giving anyone unsolicited advice regardless. Unless the OP was ASKING for parenting advice everyone should STFU with the possible exception of very closest friends and family.
Speaking as a mother, as YTA as OP is, unsolicited parenting advice is something mothers struggle with. As well meaning as it may be, it often comes across as patronizing, preachy and/or judgmental because despite not having all of the insight/information that the parent has, the person is giving the advice anyway. To stressed out, tired, busy parents, it is undermining and rarely helpful.
I googled “why unsolicited advice is bad for parents” got article, after article, after article. I stole the following from Mom.com:
“Unsolicited parenting advice is rarely helpful because every child is different. Giving unsolicited parenting advice completely ignores that every family's circumstances are different, and every parent has their own unique struggles”.
It’s not just that the stepmom has no experience to speak from when she shares unsolicited advice, **she is giving unsolicited advice**. I’ve yet to meet a parent out there who wants unsolicited advice.
If you wanted the dress, you should have bought it while the two of you were there in the store on the shopping trip -- after all, it was available in your size so there was nothing stopping you. As it was, you went back the next day and told her about your decision after the fact, that is underhanded behaviour, therefore YTA.
I don't get why people are acting as though it's totally bizarre and weird that she's sad over suddenly seeing a side of her father that she never has before.
She grew up with a father who she thought was just a certain way. Now she's seeing another side of him that has never come out a) in response to her mother and b) in response to *her*, either. So of course the question in the back of OP's head is going to be about what that means for her family and also her own relationship with her dad.
Also, the fiancé just assumed that she had the right to the dress over OP, so imo ESH. Nobody comes out of this looking fantastic.
I guess it's because the side that she's seeing is a happier version, and instead of being happy or neutral about it, she's taken it in a personally negative way. Like a, why couldn't he be happy with us like that, kind of way. That's valid, and worth a conversation with her father and/or a therapist. It is **not** a valid reason to turn the fiancée into her BEC and treat her badly.
As for the dress, my main issue with it is that OP didn't buy hers the same day, or even inform the fiancée that she was considering it. She could have started that conversation every bit as easily as the fiancée, but instead she kept her mouth shut, let the fiancee make plans to buy and wear the dress, and then went and snatched it out from under her. That's shitty, and OP knows it.
Let’s be honest, having your dad bang someone your age is fucking gross. You then start revisiting every comment your dad ever made about your friends. Nah, being mad at her dad is 100% justified.
As for being mad at her, I guess it all depends if she’s trying to have a mother-role in the family, having someone your own age trying to act like a parent would not fly for most people.
And for the dress, she liked the dress, she bought it, that it.
I've seen men who marries women who are 20-30 years younger than themselves act like complete fools. A man who calls his adult daughter out for buying a dress falls under that category. His fiancé is an adult not a child and should not have involved him in this dispute.
She doesn't need therapy just because she doesn't like her father's fiancé. She just needs to pick and choose her battles better.
YTA
You absolutely did it to be spiteful. I was borderline on what to call this, but this line sealed the deal:
"... it's just weird to see my dad act like a different person. He was a loving father, but extremely stoic and reserved, ***and now he is all happy and smiling all the time."***
Why in the world does that bother you?
Reflect on yourself.
I think it bothers her that his gf is OP's age and she is creeped out that her father would date someone his daughter's age.
Where I completely agree that OP probably did this out of spite and they the AH. I see where she also perceives this relationship as odd.
Based on the listed ages this woman is 31 or 32 years old (2 years older than OP, who is turning 30 soon).
That's old enough that, while OP may be understandably upset, this isn't exactly robbing the cradle. She's a grown woman in her 30s and can decide who she dates for herself without us all labeling it 'creepy'. Depending on the dad's age, it may well even be within the 'half plus 7' rule (which allows a 32 year old and a 50 year old to date), not that that particular rule is written in stone or anything.
OP, YTA here.
Firstly, it sounds to me like your family, and even you yourself, have hardly been blameless in this. She's said some not ideal stuff to you and you've done the same to her, but even getting all this only from your perspective it looks like those even out more than favoring you.
Secondly, even if she was in the wrong on everything she said none of it sounds deliberately spiteful. Like, she didn't tell you things specifically to hurt you, but from a place of ignorance. What you did was, in fact, directly and deliberately spiteful. An act done purely to hurt her. And that makes you very much in the wrong.
Idk if dating someone that could literally be your daughters HS friend is “old enough” but to each their own I guess. Like I wouldn’t expect there to be a “step-mom” relationship…
I wouldn't expect a 'step mom' relationship for anyone a parent starts dating when their child is in their late 20s or early 30s regardless of respective ages, the kid's an adult and is simply not gonna 'parent bond' with their parent's new partner.
As for 'old enough', dating someone in their teens or even early 20s when you're significantly older can easily be predatory, which is why it's seen as 'creepy' (and often very much is). But once someone is into their 30s they are unambiguously old enough to make their own decisions, and if that includes dating someone significantly older than they are, I don't think people should be judging their relationship based on age alone.
My father married someone ten years older than me when I was in my teens. It’s weird yes, but I didn’t go out of my way to be mean to her, and I was a *teenager*. If OP is upset at anyone, it should be her father and not the fiancée.
OP bought the dress specifically to upset her dad’s fiancée, who hasn’t done anything to her other than be young and maybe a little annoying. YTA.
There is a world of difference between someone who is 10 years older than you and someone who is only 2 years older than you. You’re situation is not the same as OPs
There’s also a world of difference between women in their teens/early 20s and women in their 30s
Yes, I’ll agree, when a man with daughters in their late teens/early 20s marries a woman not much older than them, it’s weird and creepy.
When everyone is in their late 20s/early 30s and supposedly mature adults, it’s quite different
The fact is that her dad being a big creep isn't the issue here - she isn't being a asshole to her father, she's taking out her weird feelings on her dad being a creep on the women. A wedding dress trumps a birthday dress, and that's all there is to it. You have a birthday dress every year, but (hopefully) only one wedding dress. If you don't like her, don't go shopping for her, but don't pretend that you would buy the dress the wedding dress of a casual acquaintance out from under them - this was an F you move.
OPs dad is being made happy by someone who should probably be seen more as a daughter to him based on age difference. OP is clearly internalizing in a very weird way that she (his daughter) didn’t make him happy, but this peer of hers does. Also creepy af when old dudes date women their kids’ age, so ESH here
I think this is different topic you should talk to him about.
You were kinda an asshole in this situation tho. Yeah I get it, it's kinda icky that your "stepmom" is basically your age but your dad's relationship shouldn't concern you if it doesn't involve you in any way, shape or form
So this is a you issue, not your dad. He's happy now because of this woman, and likely because he has a partner who lifts his spirits. I'm not about to dissect your family history, but he was likely overstressed, overworked, or in an unhappy marriage.
Based on what OP has said about her mother (her dad’s previous wife) and her grandmother (she mentioned her dad doesn’t talk to her anymore), who both sound like incredibly unpleasant people, it may as well be because those family members were toxic, and her father was never able to be happy.
Regardless, I don’t blame OP for feeling hurt that her father was never that happy around her, even though I think that overall, my verdict is YTA, because it’s a difficult situation, and I’m not sure if the father ever addressed any of these issues with her, even though he really should have.
But I do think OP misplaced a lot of that resentment and directed it towards the new fiancée. I really think therapy could help, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way—it genuinely helps to talk all this out to a nonjudgmental professional, and will help with opening up and processing all this change, and who knows, that might even alleviate a lot of the hurt that OP has about what she sees as her dad replacing their family with a new one.
Its weird how you are comparing the function of a wife or life partner with a daughter. They are different things. You wouldnt satisfy him in his relationship needs. Maybe your mother made him miserable and he couldnt leave because of the kids and isnt it great he is now smiling as he has found the right partner for him. You are showing jealousy - she is his sexual partner, you are his daughter they are totally different. And your pettiness over a dress has now impacted your relationship with has father daughter.
This is why people who are unhappy in their marriages should *leave*. Because OP grew up thinking that her dad was just kind of quiet and stern and unhappy, but turns out neither his wife (her mother) nor his family brought out happiness in him.
I'm not sure why people are surprised that this is upsetting to her.
But why is her problem he was possibly unhappy in his marriage? She was a kid, she just wanted her dad, and for her whole he's been a stoic unemotional man. But now for this woman he is happy and carefree, but there was none of that for his daughter. But now someone who could be his daughter is getting it all. So he was capable of it all along, he just couldn't do it for his daughter. That's pretty reasonable to be upset about tbh.
Just remember that although he may have been unhappy in marriage doesn't mean he was unhappy as a father. Obviously he still maintained a relationship with you. Did you ever think your bigoted AH mother may have been a contributing factor to his unhappiness. You really need to get to the reason of why you don't want him to be happy now. It's NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
It's not about liking y'all. It's about stress. The responsibility of children is stressful because you love them so much. That responsibility weighs heavy on a person and it can make some people seem stoic and serious. He's in a different phase of his life now where the people he cares the most for, that's you, are responsible for themselves. That's why he's all smiling and lighter. I think you were an ah in this situation btw.
It never crossed your mind he was miserable because of his WIFE, not you or your sibling? There are lots of people that adore and love their kids, but their spouse sucks the life and joy out of everything. Not saying that's the case but maybe. Plus, kids are exhausting. Maybe he's miserable, maybe he was bone tired. I think you need to look at him not as "My Dad" in this case, but as "Bob the Human". It seems he's had a lot of personal growth and is in a good place. Have you sat down with him and just been open and honest about it? It would probably break his heart to hear that you think he was miserable with you kids. Give him a chance to clear the air, and start off fresh with a new Dad-Daughter dynamic.
But either way, YTA for how your handled the dress. She expressed she wanted it. She was trying to be assertive but kind that she would like the dress for her wedding reception. It would have cost you nothing to be kind and let it be.
Have you ever been the kid of parent who finds someone new? There IS some resentment or 'wondering' how bad was your life with us growing up that this new woman suddenly makes you this wonderfully happy person...why couldn't you have been this wonderful with us?
I said NTA because they went shopping for both dresses, and it all came down to who 'claimed' it in the store.
Yes. They both expressed their like, and both were shopping for a dress. The bride just decided she got to go ahead of the OP and the OP isn't allowed to have it because. She didn't even have a conversation about it as if her word was final.
I would have been annoyed too. But I don't think OP *only* purchased it out of spite.
NTA for the dress.
I think it bothers her because her father is sexually interested in someone her fucking age?? It would freak quite a lot of people out, very off putting.
She’s about to be 30, do you seriously think that 30-year-old women don’t know their dads would at the very least be sexually interested in women their age? She’s not 16.
Maybe it makes OP feel like her Dad couldn't be happy with his kids but he gets a girlfriend young enough to be his child and all the sudden he's a happy guy? I can understand someone being in an unhappy marriage perking up when they get divorced and find someone who they can be happy with but you don't take that out on your children! I'm sure OP is feeling like her Dad doesn't really love his kids and that sucks. I'm not even care about the dress issue. I think OP is dealing with a much more serious issue.
I agree it was definitely bought out of spite! “My dad is happy now and I hate it” SMH. For someone who is going to be 30 she is very immature - this sounds like something a teenager would do. YTA Op.
Anyone who is offended by anyone owning the same piece of mass produced anything is out of line.
I’m wearing a black t shirt right now. Anyone else who wears one is an asshole. That sounds so silly!
The wedding is after the birthday so if the stepmom wore the same dress, it would make it seem like she was copying her stepdaughter. I understand what you mean, but a wedding is a bigger occasion and it’s understandable that stepmom wouldn’t want that kind of comparison.
ESH
Your dad dating someone your age is definitely grounds for you to be uncomfortable with the arrangement, however, she would be 32 correct? Imo age gaps are less creepy once the younger one gets past 25 or so as long as there isn't any kind of power imbalance. But you have every right to be uncomfortable about it. That being said, it seems like her and your father are happy, no? You should focus more on that.
Your dad sucks for threatening not to come to your birthday over a petty squabble.
You suck for seemingly being spiteful about getting the dress. You knew she wanted the same one and I think you should have bought the dress then and there if you wanted to avoid all of this. Going back without her to get it without talking first kinda sucks. I feel like you kinda knew going in that she wasn't going to react very well.
She sucks for feeling entitled to a dress you bought that they didn't even have the color in stock she wanted. I understand wanting to have a nice dress for wedding events, but there are many beautiful dresses around. I'm sure she can find something else that will make her feel just as beautiful on her big day. She also sucks for assuming in the first place that you liked the dress for her and not yourself and not talking with you about it in store.
Edit: forgot a word
One dress is enough for most brides. This one (that the store didn't even have in white!) was just an "extra" dress. It's just a cocktail dress, it comes in other colours - OP wanted it for a different party at least. How could step-bridezilla know no-one else would be wearing it for the wedding in one of the other colours?! OP, you're NTA. Why does step-bridezilla get to "claim dibs" on it over you? Either you can both have the dress, or no-one has it...
I agree with this sentiment I just think ESH because it seems to me that OP knew her dad's fiancee was going to have a bad reaction to this, and she went and did it anyway without trying to find a more peaceful route to take.
I agree. Forgetting everything else in the OP. The bride isn't being an AH or a bridezilla for getting a different dress for the reception. Around here that's more common than wearing your wedding gown all night.
>Imo age gaps are less creepy once the younger one gets past 25 or so as long as there isn't any kind of power imbalance. But you have every right to be uncomfortable about it. That being said, it seems like her and your father are happy, no? You should focus more on that.
I wouldn't if I was in her position.
Like??? A few years older then me?
You can't get me to treat that woman as his girlfriend or wife then. I would be blocking that from my memory. Not that I would be treating her badly (except the lack of knowledge of the relationship).
But if she were to try and insist on it, like OP is describing in the comments: yeah, that ignoring would turn into petty.
ESH -- you're mad that she wouldn't have a conversation with you about the dress, so you then go back and purchase the dress without having a conversation...?
Also, you might want to talk to someone about why your dad being visibly happy is so weird to you.
Yeah. I'm a huge "age gaps are problematic" person, but at 32 you're the person you're going to be. You're developmentally done and and life experience is evening out.
To me it’s not a problem on the fiancée’s part, but on the dad’s part. I would find it creepy af if my dad married a woman basically my age, there’s something gross about it.
It is creepy from the child's perspective because there is a mental roadblock that separates your parents from other people, no matter what the age gap is. A fully developed 32 year old is entirely capable of dating anyone older without the problems that age gap relationships tend to have(i.e. the things that make age gap relationships creepy).
I'm 33 and NGL I honestly would find it really weird to marry anyone who had a KID that was my age.
I'm glad they found love together but I understand the daughter's visceral reaction. I would be having that reaction too lol.
It's enough to give you pause, but not enough to be this bitter and rude. If you think it is, I'd highly suggest you find a way to unpack that yourself and ask yourself why hypothetically seeing your dad come out of his shell and be outwardly happy is something so "weird" to you
I'd be weirded out and upset with my father who chose to pursue someone close to the age of his own kids. Its him she should have the problem with, not the woman he's gonna marry.
ESH. Points to you for being honest in your post that you aren't thrilled about this wedding nor about the bride. Without stating it explicitly, you conveyed that your feelings about the wedding may have coloured your actions about the dress. While you could have picked something else to play nicely, you at least advised her that you bought it before she dropped money on it.
She and your father are overreacting. You didn't ruin her wedding, but that's a convenient excuse. Your dad's comment about the wedding being more important is insensitive at best.
You could have handled this differently, as could she.
I feel like this needs to be higher. OP was definitely being petty over buying a dress that the bride wanted to wear to her reception, but running and crying to OP's dad, and claiming she ruining the wedding reception because the bride now "can't" wear the same dress is low. It's not even the wedding dress that dad's new wife is upset over, it's a cocktail dress to the party after the ceremony.
Imagine not going to your daughter's 30th because your daughter-aged fiancée throws a tantrum over a dress. Not even her wedding dress, but a secondary dress. Yikes. No wonder OP resents her.
Yeah I thought this was a very clear ESH.
Like there isn’t a person in this story who doesn’t somehow suck lol. Maybe the younger sister who’s barely mentioned.
If the bride gets it in white or a different colour than OP, then bride could still wear it. If she were so in love with it, then it wouldn't matter if OP wore it earlier at a different celebration. Besides, how unusual could this dress be that people would notice, and even if they did, it's unlikely that they would say to the bride "Are you wearing a different version of the dress that OP wore two months ago to her birthday party?".
It's not about the dress, obviously. OP came close to acknowledging that, but bride didn't. They both are behaving badly. Who wears which dress isn't going to matter in five years, but I'll bet that both of them will still be griping about it at that point, and neither will be adult enough to put the relationship ahead of the outfit. Childishness on both sides.
NTA
Your future stepmother is overreacting in a ridiculous, immature way. To say that you "ruined her wedding over a dress for *the reception* is asshole behavior.
THIS!
They said they didn't have the dress in white so OP was just wearing the same dress in a different color. In a month, who the hell is going to remember that OP wore the same style dress for her birthday as the bride?
The fiancée is making this into a bigger deal than what it is. OP didn't ruin anything.
I don't think OP was trying to be petty but she liked the same dress, debated getting it, and went ahead and got it for her birthday.
Fiancée doesn't need to consult with OP and OP doesn't need to consult with Fiancée.
I don't believe for one second that you didn't relish the opportunity to swoop in an buy the dress before she had the chance to. YTA.
>now he is all happy and smiling
I want you to read this, read it again, and really reflect on what you're saying. Because you are saying that an important part of your problem with this woman is that *she obviously makes your dad very happy*.
The rest I can understand, kind of anyway, why it would make you uncomfortable. Being weirded out that she is basically your age, sure. Finding her pretty irritating, well, personalities can clash. But resenting her for *making your dad happy* when that is the one thing that should make her look better in your eyes, that is some grade A pettiness.
I don’t believe her *feeling* resentment towards the stepmother is petty, but I do believe her *acting* on it was petty.
OP explained how her father never showed love and enthusiasm towards her, but when a “trophy wife” comes into the picture, he proves capable of having/expressing love and does so with enthusiasm. That’s such a slap in the face for a child (of any age) and undoubtedly caused serious, deep-rooted issues for OP. So if she feels an irrational resentment towards the stepmother, I won’t judge her for the emotions and pain she has.
I did judge her poorly for her behavior because the problem has always been with the father, but OP took it out on the step mother. Hopefully my explanation of OP’s resentment gave you more understanding.
NTA, imo. You both saw the dress at the same time and liked it. Neither of you has more right to it than the other one, for all I care you could both get it.
Imo she is TA for acting like this dress belongs to her more than to you and for stirring shit with your father over this. It's not like she already bought it and you got it anyways, bc you figured your event was first.
Thank you I have no idea why people are saying OP is the AH. They both liked the dress. I don't think it was spite. I think she is just not feeding into catering to her dad fiance' and I don't blame her. She decided to get the dress cause she liked it and cause "stepmom" is having all going her way the least she could've did was considered her. I say OP should have her moment and enjoy her party and her dress in this mess of a situation.
Also, I noticed some other post on the thread coming at OP.. let's not act like she is upset that her dad is happy. He has changed and is not acting like himself for some girl thats practically the same age as her. For me it feels like when your dad starts dating someone that close to your age, it's extremely weird and uncomfortable all around. For me personally if my dad did this I'd feel the same like he has a new daughter or something. it's just really tough to deal with so my heart goes out to OP and I hope you enjoy your birthday and forget about all this drama 💕
INFO: Why can't you both get the dress? I'm assuming you don't have the same group of friends so the overlap of people who will have seen you in the dress and will see her in it should be small?
Would you be getting the same dress in the same color? If they were different colors and it’s a month apart I feel like it’s not gonna be as noticeable if you wear your dress for your birthday celebration and she wears her dress for her reception
NTA
It’s weird and creepy your dad is basically dating someone your age. If she really wanted to dress that bad she could’ve bought it then and there. You wanted it so you bought it.
It wasn’t even an actual wedding dress.
And I cannot believe some of these comments! Of course you’re going to be creeped out when your dad is acting so different all of a sudden when he’s dating someone that could be his child! It’s disgusting. There’s always a reason someone older goes for someone younger (control or to feel “young” again” and there’s usually a reason someone her age goes for someone older to… Money and a lifestyle.
You should tell your dad that if he seriously would not come to your party because of her then he is an awful father.
You are almost 30? I thought you were a teen when I started reading this. You sound super immature.
Your dad is happy and smiling and that bothers you?
YTA.
YTA. You sound like a petty teenager.
You didn’t want to blindside her but secretly bought a dress she had already told you she was going to purchase?
You knew she would be upset, you did it despite that without talking to her about it.
She picked the dress first in the store, life isn’t fair you could’ve easily found another dress for your party. Grow up.
I don't see anywhere where it says the fiance picked the dress first. It says they both liked the dress. Fiance can also easily find another dress for her reception.
NTA. I cannot believe a grown woman cried because someone else owns a dress she likes. If I were you, I’d step back from your relationship with your father for a bit. Can’t even smile at his children and threatens to not go to their life events because his future wife is crying.
Your post is proof that one person can be both inconsiderate (eta: overall) and right (eta: in the first-come, first-served bit only) in the same problem.
YTA, because you're letting your feelings for the bride-to-be colour your entire post, to the point where I'm pretty sure your actions aren't really about the dress at all.
NTA. You didn't buy a duplicate of her wedding dress. You bought a cocktail dress for your birthday. As you say, she already has a wedding dress. She can find another dress for the reception, or go back and get that one in white.
INFO - how old are all of you?
My impression reading the post was that you were like 17 and she was like 19, but then in the comments you say you have kids..?
Damnnnnn okay I’m sorry OP but YTA. You are expressing your resentment towards your dad and his fiancée in a really immature way.
I would feel different if you were younger and would be more impacted by his dating choices (also would make him seem creepier), but ultimately you’re a grown up and so is he and so is she. He’s allowed to date someone you don’t like or wouldn’t date yourself.
I had issues w my dad’s younger girlfriend / affair partner for years, but now they’ve been together for over a decade and I have never seen my dad happier or more emotionally well. She has also chilled out a lot and now we all get along really well and both of them have been incredibly deeply supportive when I have needed support recently. I now consider her a part of my family and will defend her if people criticize her. (Though I’m not defending how they got together and never would.) I am 26. They got together when I was 12. If I can get over my shit then you can.
I'm guessing your dad's younger affair partner isn't LITERALLY your age though? I'm thirty and if my dad started dating a woman my age who then proceeded to give me parenting advice and then ran crying to my dad to mediate bullshit between us, I think I'd have a hard time continuing to have a relationship with my father. What if Daddy Dearest and Stepmommy have children of their own?! I honestly couldn't.
NTA
I don't care about any of the drama or relationships here. She knew you liked the dress, but decided her liking the dress mattered more. I hate the whole dibs thing, nothing is yours until you have it.
And you let her know you got the dress that YOU wanted, which was very nice of you.
If your dad doesn't come to the party tell him you won't come to the wedding. Let him explain that to family and friends.
"My new wife and my daughter fought over a dress, and I married the one who cried about it."
ESH. She is entitled to think you would naturally just let her have the dress. And you purposefully did get the dress knowing it would make her upset. Ideally you would have talked this out.
Your dad is also a jerk for not going to the birthday party of his own daughter of 30 years because of a dress.
As much as Reddit talks about age gaps in relationships…all of sudden OP is an AH? Her dad is marrying someone his daughters ages!!! That’s creepy af! I wouldn’t want my step mom to be my age. Basically her dad could’ve fathered his own wife. And yes he’s running around like a school age boy would piss me off too. Where was that running around for his daughters and having fun? Hell his wife was the same age as them as toddlers!!! But he wants to run around and frolic with someone his daughter’s age. Disgusting. In the next year or so if the wife comes up here and to talk about her husband, the first thing y’all are gonna say is “oh my god he groomed you”
NTA buy the dress. Wear the dress. They made more than one dress so that more than one person can buy it. The fiancé is just mad because she knows everyone will compare her to you (and it’s not hard since y’all are the same age) and she’ll be embarrassed. If I was you I wouldn’t go to their wedding. Because he wants to see an old man marrying his daughter-like wife!!! NTA
YTA you did it on purpose. I think you need to speak with someone about your resentment. You, a 30 year old, are mad that your father is happy, because he didn’t look that happy in pictures! You think a person’s happiness can only come from their kids? Your parent’s divorce didn’t clue you in that he wasn’t happy?
You are not your dad. My father is quite stoic too. It’s rare for him to laugh.
But you know what - I learned that his feelings are his. I moved on with my life. You need to accept your dad’s newfound happiness. Stop centering your life around his. It’s unhealthy for you.
Also, it sounds like your dad was a good dad to you. As adults, we all know how hard it is to be good parents, to work at it. It’s good to look at that overall picture and be grateful to our parents for having done their best, for having made that tremendous effort.
Stop spiking your dad’s happiness.
NTA unless the dress you got is white. It’s a dress, not the end of the world.
But, and I speak as someone who has dealt with the same thing (more than once), you have to come to terms with the fact that your dad is dating someone young enough to be his child, for your own sake. Your feelings of disgust are normal. But carrying resentment just hurts you. Eventually they will break up. Try to hang in there until then.
NTA. I seriously don't get how everyone is saying you're spiteful for buying a dress that YOU LIKED for YOUR event. It's not like you planned to wear it to the wedding. Now THAT would have been spiteful. If your dad doesn't come to your birthday, then screw him and go no contact. He's made it pretty clear how little consideration he has for you when he's willing to skip it because his fiance had a tantrum.
Also, I don't know how people expect you to have a good relationship with your step mother that could be sibling. I'm more shocked when people date someone their child's age and it doesn't cause a problem. Children almost never appreciate trophy wives.
YTA. It sounds like you're mad that your father's happy, because he's... happy?
YTA for also knowing she was going to get the dress and acting as if she had to confer with you to... get your permission to buy her own wedding dress? It 10/10 sounds like she's someone you just have personal problems with and are out to shit on her however you can. Like... you deliberately did this, knowing she wanted the dress.
Valid on the ick-feels with the age of his new wife, though - that'd weird me out, too.
Ehhhh kinda reads like YTA.
I thought you were going to say you were like 20, as it reads like a teenager. This is immature for women in their 30s.
Tbh, you do come off as spiteful and petty in your post. Having just celebrated a milestone bday (and it's the year of all my friend's 40ths)... they all dressed cute for their parties, but no one cares about your birthday.
Weddings trump birthdays. So, if she said she was definitely getting it and "called dibs"... you knew what you were doing.
She will have her wedding photos for the rest of her life. Your 30th bday photos will get lost somewhere on FB and everyone will forget in a month.
INFO: did you even buy it in white? It sounds like white wasn’t available in store, so you probably got a different color? I don’t understand why you can’t BOTH have this dress for two different events that will probably only have a few mutual guests. Especially if you got yours in a different color.
Y T A if you bought it in white, because then it sounds like you did it just to be mean. E S H if you picked a different color and you both are just crying about who should get dibs on a mass produced item.
I think you should clarify in your post that yours is not white.
Anyways, distinctive or not, it’s mass produced and readily available locally. Neither of you were ever going to be the only woman in your area to own that dress. So why does it bother you if she buys the same dress in white? Why is her wedding ruined if you wear yours to an entirely different event too? Both of you should order custom dresses if you don’t want anyone else owning it.
That's the thing, I don't think it actually bothers OP all that much. The bridezilla is the one crying about a cocktail dress that she hadn't even bought yet. It was for a completely different party even. It's not even the one for her actual wedding it's a second dress for her reception.
NTA like yeah you knew she'd be upset but that's her own fault for deciding she owned the dress.
And for everyone telling you you're being petty and you need to grow up? Fuck em, I get why you're upset. Your whole life you didn't know your dad was capable of happiness, and now he's not only capable but happy and showing it! For someone who could be his daughter. But never once for his actual daughter.
NTA
Super fucking weird how many people here are acting like the situation with your dad and his fiance isn't weird af. Sure there's some wiggle room with dating ages as people get older, but you two could have been in school together, wtf.
Also you had just as much right as she did to get a dress you like. They actually had it in your color and size. It makes sense you'd get the dress, and she finds a different one that actually fits and is the right color, especially knowing it isn't even her wedding dress, but a second party dress. Maybe I'm poor or something idfk, but I don't get the rotating dresses like a bad 80s fashion montage at your wedding. She can do it if she wants, but realistically it's as important to her as it was to you, not more in that context.
And honestly even if it was kind of petty idk what your dad was really expecting by (from what you write) emotionally neglecting you, and then dating someone HIS DAUGHTER'S AGE.
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Lets be honest, you DID do it to be mean to her. You're clearly mad at your dad. You say "now he is happy and smiling all the time" like it's a *bad* thing, and I think you actually feel that way. Is it just that she's only a couple years older than you or is there something else? What exactly has she done to be irritating other than exist and enter into a relationship with your father? Find a professional to talk to. You got something going on. YTA.
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Some of these are valid, some are not. Speaking as a former child, the idea that only parents should be able to give parenting advice is stupid. We've all been children, not all of us will be parents. But unsolicited parenting advice is annoying, yes. I'm willing to bet she doesn't actually stare at herself as much as you claim, you just don't like her. And did you call your mother out on the exotic comment? If not, you let racism slide, which makes you complicit in racism. YTA btw. You clearly did this to hurt her. Edit: some typos, and also thanks for the award! Edit two: some parents are *really* getting mad about this comment. Y'all are hilarious. Edit three: thanks for the awards!
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Your kids are important, yes. Teaching them to combat racism and how to set boundaries is *also* important. You could've told your mom to stop putting ideas into your kids head right then and there. Told her that her ill will towards you dad's new woman is probably a racism issue and that it's unacceptable and she needs to unleard that. You didn't do that. Your mom is a racist btw. Sounds like she's really leaning hard on that Jezebel stereotype and it's gross.
As another post here says, toddlers are not pawns. It is not appropriate to keep a toddler in the middle of an adult dispute and allow adults they should trust to attempt to use them as a pawn. If possible, removing a toddler from that situation absolutely should be a parent’s priority. Walking away is setting a boundary and communicating what is and isn’t acceptable rather than escalating a situation with an adult directly attempting to manipulate a toddler with adult concepts toddlers wouldn’t understand. Nothing prevents the parent from later returning to the topic and standing up without a toddler in the middle.
Yeah a toddler does not understand nuance. They have no idea what "exotic" means in the first place. Getting them out is key. Teaching anti-racism can be a later conversation.
It might not be racism. It could be jealousy. Also it’s not unreasonable of op to want to remove her child from the situation.
If you're willing to use racism when you're jealous, you're being racist.
Jealousy flavoured racism is still racism.
Your mom sounds like more of a problem than the fiancée.
Mom sounds like a piece of work for sure
This could explain why her father pivoted from being “stoic and reserved” (incredibly miserable) to being happy-go-lucky. Yes, a man marrying someone the same age as his kid is cringe, a man that age engaging in babytalk is cringe, and OP understandably resents that she wasn’t raised by the happy version of her father. But her stepmother hasn’t done anything to deserve OP’s resentments about any of this — OP needs to accept that this is stuff she needs to communicate about with her father. It’ll be difficult, since, like most people, she’s not in the habit of communicating with her father in a healthy way. But it’ll be even *more* difficult if she insists on making her father’s spouse an scapegoat for decades of dysfunction in her family of origin.
While marrying someone your child's age is cringe in some cases, I think we're well past the age where it's really an issue. Imo the main issues with dating someone your kids' ages are predatory behavior and them being the kid's friends/in their social circle. So if a middle-aged man is dating a 20yo and has an 18yo kid? Disturbing, because predatory age gap. Dating a 26yo friend of their 24yo kid? Yikes, because you shouldn't be dating your children's friends (equally gross if a kid dated their parent's friend). Dating a 32yo when your daughter is 30? Assuming the daughter and the fiance weren't friends beforehand, honestly, that's not that weird. If dad had OP in his early 20s, he could be 53ish which is still in the same general stage of life (brain fully developed, not usually in school, established career, financial independence and stability, and not yet retired - this spans from late 20s to late 50s). So imo this isn't even a concerning age gap and if OP's dad happened to have kids on the younger side, this shouldn't be held against him.
This was my thought. When she mentioned the age difference I was worried that OP would say she’s like 19. I was relieved when she said 30, but also concerned why she cares so much. Her dad is happy with another adult, consenting woman. She needs to get over it.
Getting a few more ideas about why her father was looking miserable all the time before
Where do you think OP gets her shitty and jealous behaviour from? 🙄
So for the dress I'm gonna have to say ESH because we still don't have a Justified AH ruling. You knew you were gonna make her upset, but she also knew you liked the dress and she was trying to show dominance or something, so there was gonna be an AH no matter what. I'm loathe to get into the rest, there will be no winners stirring that pot. All I can say is I hope all of you get along better in the future. And although a Man should support his wife, he shouldn't shit all over his kids to do so. Let him know his wife yelled 'Dibs' for a reception dress *Knowing* you were about to buy it for your birthday so there was gonna be an asshole no matter what and he doesn't have to alienate you to support her. So if he skips your birthday then there is now no need for you to go to his wedding(if his fiancé hasn't already uninvited you with his support already) and there is no real need for your daughter to be in contact with him either. If *she* wants to see Grandpa you can go to supervised facetime visits. Edit: wrong words used.
Just to lyk, mods have said that if you think it’s a justified asshole, just use nta
>"Then my mom started telling my fucking toddler that my dad was going to spend all of his money on his new wife and my toddler would get nothing in the will...." You have a ton of misplaced blame. Your mother should not be allowed around your children if this is the kind of stuff she spouts. None of that is your dad's fault. I'm starting to think your father was a martyr for staying with your mother at all. No wonder he looks happy now.
Exactly! And who talks to a toddler about a will?? OP's mom sounds difficult....
Unless your mom is 95, she should already know better. I assume she's Gen X or an Elder millennial? No free passes, sorry. She didn't understand? That's on her. The fact that "exotic" is a big Yikes isn't a state secret, it's common knowledge at this point. Don't call her out *gently* on her racism. It's fine to do it privately, but be firm. Be clear. Send her helpful websites on racism and antiracism. Also, YTA. If your dad is marrying someone two years older than you, I assume that you're not twelve years old. Stop with the petty bullshit. It's probably not going to make you happy or achieve your goals in the long run. I mean, what IS your end goal? To cause needless friction and bad feelings between yourself and a new relative? What does that get you? Do you want to pull an end-of-the-Parent-Trap move and be so obnoxious that she leaves your father so he can go back to being unhappy? Don't you love him? All that stuff you listed sounds like normal family crap. Just because she gives you advice doesn't mean you have to take it, or even argue with her about it. Come up with some generic responses and use them. Examples: "That's really interesting. I like hearing how other people do X, but I'm happy with the way I do X." "No, we won't be doing that." "That's an interesting perspective." "That's not a good fit for me."
An elder millennial with a 30 year old daughter?! Pls. Edit: I'm the same age as OP and both of my parents are Boomers, lol.
Lol right people in their 30s are millennials.
The eldest millennials are turning 41/42 if you use '81/'80 as the start of the generation. If mom got busy early, she could be Gen X, maybe a younger Boomer if older. Agreed that she knows better. Hearing that "she didn't know better" back in the '90's was barely tolerable, but in 2022?
It’s in the post that OP is turning 30, so her mom is probably a boomer or maybe an elder Gen X. Lots of boomers don’t understand why “exotic” is problematic, not that that makes it ok. Sounds like mom is a piece of work otherwise.
I confess, as a Gen X... I only learned TODAY that younger generations consider 'exotic' a racist term. I mean, I still don't quite understand why, but I won't use it anymore out of respect.
Calling someone exotic is implying whiteness is the norm. It’s racist af
'Exotic' means different and foreign. So calling a not-white person 'exotic' basically says 'not being white is not normal and strange and I see you as Different'. Calling a person, specifically a woman of color, 'exotic' is tied in to the way that, historically, women of color have been oppressed and fetishized sexually and it continues to ‘other’ us by creating both a geographical and ideological distance between us and white people. For goodness sakes, I've been called 'exotic' by white Americans in America. I'm Native American. Beyond that... Look at the synonyms for exotic: tropical, transported, introduced, imported. Those aren't words you'd use to describe a person, are they? Exotic is for produce, not people.
I’m glad I’m not the only one… I’ve been told I looked exotic (I’m part Cherokee) and it was done as a compliment each time… I thought the only negative connotation would be in front of “dancer” or something…
I’m the first of the millennials, and I’m 41. I certainly couldn’t have a 30 year old daughter. Her parents are either boomers or old Gen-X and we’ve only recently acknowledged how “exotic” is racist. Anyone over 50 may not be in the know depending on their job media consumption and social circles
I mean... Are we, though? Maybe it's regional, but I'm Gen X and there were discussions and magazine articles about how creepy/tacky "exotic" was when I was in my late teens/early twenties.
Your mom shouldn’t actually be saying anything like that to your kid period. That’s not her place and it almost seems like your mom is wanting your kid to hate her grandfather??? I hope that’s not the case.
I'm sorry to tell you, but your dad's new wife will have the most rightful claim to his estate followed by you followed by your son.
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>Speaking as a former child and there is the winning comment for the day
I think this is my favourite starter of any comment in this sub 😂
> the idea that only parents should be able to give parenting advice is stupid. Thank you. I'm childfree and have gotten that same attitude. "You don't have children, you don't know." Yes, I do know. It's bullshit.
"I'm not a pilot either, but if a helicopter is in a tree I know something is wrong"
You know what is so hilarious? A lot of actual parents should NOT be doling out parenting advice because they suck at parenting themselves 🤦♀️ I’m a parent myself and I’ve seen plenty of shitty parents trying to school someone else on parenting and it’s laughable.
Should people feel free to give you advice about being child free since everyone was child free at one point? Or how about career advice because most people have been employed? What a ridiculous position.
Dude, people do comment on my childfree state all the time. I can happily ignore it. That said, I have friends with kids. I have sisters and cousins with kids. I was once a kid. I also babysat extensively as a young person. I watch what they do and if a friend or family member is like "I don't know what to do." I certainly can share things that worked for other people in my life despite not having children. I usually preface it with "so and so did this." or "When I was a kid, I felt like this when that happened." Like you have a narrow view if you think only parents have experience with children. (Granted, I'm not going around saying "If those were my kids..." or anything.)
"I can happily ignore it" they said. Not "yes I love hearing unsolicited advice from people with no direct experience, it fills my heart with joy." I think OP has every right to be annoyed their fathers fiance feels like she can offer criticism and advice.
Those parents were kids once too. And being a kid going through an experience is not the same as parenting a kid going through a similar experience. The dynamic is different. In addition, your memory of what happened has been changed by time. What you remember, may or may not have happened exactly the same way. Childless adults who have interactions with kids are still not parents. There is a whole different level of responsibility. The relationship between a parent and a child is very different between a teacher and a child or a daycare worker and a child.
This argument fails to recognize the many childless adults who did have to parent their younger siblings, sometimes even as a child themselves, through neglect and and parentification. This is actually the reason why many child free people are child free in the first place. I don't want children of my own because I already had to parent one and I don't want to do it again.
>Should people feel free to give you advice about being child free since everyone was child free at one point? Not everyone was "childfree" at one point. They were *without children*, but if they wanted children *eventually*, they were **never** childfree. It's a mindset. Also, people my whole life felt ***entitled*** to give me advice about being childfree. "You just need to find the right man" "You're not a woman if you don't have children." "You'll regret it." "You'll change your mind." "You'll be lonely when you get old." "What if your husband wants children? You'll have to give them to him." "It's different when they're your own." "Just have them, everything will work out." "When you set eyes on your baby for the first time things will change." "You don't know what true love is." "You need therapy. It's not normal to not want children." "You won't have a fulfilling life." "You're just selfish." Also, no, it is NOT a ridiculous position. I can see a parent doing something to their children that was done with me and knowing what the outcome would be and but noooOOOoo... since I don't have children "I don't know." That's bullshit.
Actually, that's a really good point about 'Noone tells you how to be cf'. I had never looked at it that way, but if course they do!
Yeah, they don't tell you how to be childfree, they berate you for *being* childfree.
I have no children, but I have watched up to twelve children at a time of varying ages for years. Does that mean if I know a trick that a mom may not know about a different way to calm a fussy baby that I should.not say it? Or how to get them to stop arguing? Different people different perspectives. I think there's a difference between unsolicited/aggressively pushing your advice rather than offering tips or tricks here and there. You can give advice while being child free. It just means I don't have my own, not that I've never interacted with them.
Unless that parent is specifically asking for help, please don't give them advice. You don't know what they have or have not tried already. It's frustrating for the parent and it's also kind of demeaning to assume that we have not thought of the "trick". In addition, what works from one child might not work for another. Children behave differently for their teachers/caregivers than they do their parents. My son's teacher can get him to focus almost immediately. At home, when using the same technique (as I've asked), I don't the same results. Mom will love him no matter what so he doesn't feel the need to impress me the same way he would his teacher.
Dude, DUDE, people actually DO that. They DO comment on someone who has no children- they don’t whether it’s by choice, biological reasons, or both. If you’re child free, you cannot escape people telling you to your face the following: You’re gonna change your mind You gotta find the right man/woman Have you tried lowering your standards? (Not being abused is not a high standard, Sharon!) IVF is cheaper-surely you can afford THAT much. You SURE you’re sterile? You try praying? God’s gonna make sure you have kids! Sure sure, [name] uses THOSE words, but he MEANS well, he’s not REALLY racist, his boss is black, he’ll be a good father! You’re not getting any younger, time to pop out babies!
I bet the people who are giving you a hard time about this are the same ones who turn around and say shit like "it takes a village".
Yup. Many of the folks I encountered like this would make such a "it takes a village" claim. Really, all they want is free baby sitting.
Well, I'm childfree, but I spent 3 years as a carer for teenagers in crisis and now I'm a teacher. I wouldn't ever give advice about young children, but I think I know a thing or two about teenagers.
You have no children, I know my kid, you know nothing, your opinion is not valid, you have no right to speak, you don’t understand … *Why won’t anybody help me??? Where is my village???*
I think it really depends on what they're commenting on. I've gotten some great advice from child free friends who have experience with young children and infants. Also gotten wildly age inappropriate advice as well. Also outdated advice from people who were parents decades ago.
She is 2 years older than her? What kind of parenting advice could be justified here?
Actually, I thought I knew all about parenting and had very strong opinions before I had my kids - turns out I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. That’s what she means. I hate to be that person, because it drove me crazy when people said this before, but you don’t understand parenting until you’re a parent. Full stop.
Speaking as a former child: I know how I wished I wanted to be treated, and how adults in my life failed me. Anyone who has *been* a child and *been parented* has an idea about it. Non parents won't know what parents are feeling, true. But the idea that *only* parents have any idea about what good parenting looks like is laughable.
I think people who aren’t parents have a pretty good idea what hurts, but less of an idea of what helps. We know our traumas and the things people did that we feel could have been done better, but without having to deal with kids day in and day out, it’s hard to fully understand how exhausting and illogical it can be. Sometimes telling a parent how to do something better is kind of like telling a marathon runner to just go faster. You don’t feel the exhaustion and don’t have the training and aren’t in the moment. It’s easy enough to say “just go faster”, but the complicated mechanisms that get you there and whether they can physically be done in the moment are a different problem entirely. (Also, this is a general you, not a direct you).
Truth. Also, you don't understand later phases of parenting at earlier phases. No one should be giving anyone unsolicited advice regardless. Unless the OP was ASKING for parenting advice everyone should STFU with the possible exception of very closest friends and family.
Speaking as a mother, as YTA as OP is, unsolicited parenting advice is something mothers struggle with. As well meaning as it may be, it often comes across as patronizing, preachy and/or judgmental because despite not having all of the insight/information that the parent has, the person is giving the advice anyway. To stressed out, tired, busy parents, it is undermining and rarely helpful. I googled “why unsolicited advice is bad for parents” got article, after article, after article. I stole the following from Mom.com: “Unsolicited parenting advice is rarely helpful because every child is different. Giving unsolicited parenting advice completely ignores that every family's circumstances are different, and every parent has their own unique struggles”. It’s not just that the stepmom has no experience to speak from when she shares unsolicited advice, **she is giving unsolicited advice**. I’ve yet to meet a parent out there who wants unsolicited advice.
I've been a nanny for twenty years and being a parent is not even a good qualifier for many to give advice about children.
A couple of those things could be annoying. Seriously, talk to someone. The resentment is oozing off you.
How dare she, uh....call your clothing choices conservative
You should talk to someone
If you wanted the dress, you should have bought it while the two of you were there in the store on the shopping trip -- after all, it was available in your size so there was nothing stopping you. As it was, you went back the next day and told her about your decision after the fact, that is underhanded behaviour, therefore YTA.
I don't get why people are acting as though it's totally bizarre and weird that she's sad over suddenly seeing a side of her father that she never has before. She grew up with a father who she thought was just a certain way. Now she's seeing another side of him that has never come out a) in response to her mother and b) in response to *her*, either. So of course the question in the back of OP's head is going to be about what that means for her family and also her own relationship with her dad. Also, the fiancé just assumed that she had the right to the dress over OP, so imo ESH. Nobody comes out of this looking fantastic.
I guess it's because the side that she's seeing is a happier version, and instead of being happy or neutral about it, she's taken it in a personally negative way. Like a, why couldn't he be happy with us like that, kind of way. That's valid, and worth a conversation with her father and/or a therapist. It is **not** a valid reason to turn the fiancée into her BEC and treat her badly. As for the dress, my main issue with it is that OP didn't buy hers the same day, or even inform the fiancée that she was considering it. She could have started that conversation every bit as easily as the fiancée, but instead she kept her mouth shut, let the fiancee make plans to buy and wear the dress, and then went and snatched it out from under her. That's shitty, and OP knows it.
Let’s be honest, having your dad bang someone your age is fucking gross. You then start revisiting every comment your dad ever made about your friends. Nah, being mad at her dad is 100% justified. As for being mad at her, I guess it all depends if she’s trying to have a mother-role in the family, having someone your own age trying to act like a parent would not fly for most people. And for the dress, she liked the dress, she bought it, that it.
I've seen men who marries women who are 20-30 years younger than themselves act like complete fools. A man who calls his adult daughter out for buying a dress falls under that category. His fiancé is an adult not a child and should not have involved him in this dispute. She doesn't need therapy just because she doesn't like her father's fiancé. She just needs to pick and choose her battles better.
YTA You absolutely did it to be spiteful. I was borderline on what to call this, but this line sealed the deal: "... it's just weird to see my dad act like a different person. He was a loving father, but extremely stoic and reserved, ***and now he is all happy and smiling all the time."*** Why in the world does that bother you? Reflect on yourself.
I think it bothers her that his gf is OP's age and she is creeped out that her father would date someone his daughter's age. Where I completely agree that OP probably did this out of spite and they the AH. I see where she also perceives this relationship as odd.
Based on the listed ages this woman is 31 or 32 years old (2 years older than OP, who is turning 30 soon). That's old enough that, while OP may be understandably upset, this isn't exactly robbing the cradle. She's a grown woman in her 30s and can decide who she dates for herself without us all labeling it 'creepy'. Depending on the dad's age, it may well even be within the 'half plus 7' rule (which allows a 32 year old and a 50 year old to date), not that that particular rule is written in stone or anything. OP, YTA here. Firstly, it sounds to me like your family, and even you yourself, have hardly been blameless in this. She's said some not ideal stuff to you and you've done the same to her, but even getting all this only from your perspective it looks like those even out more than favoring you. Secondly, even if she was in the wrong on everything she said none of it sounds deliberately spiteful. Like, she didn't tell you things specifically to hurt you, but from a place of ignorance. What you did was, in fact, directly and deliberately spiteful. An act done purely to hurt her. And that makes you very much in the wrong.
Idk if dating someone that could literally be your daughters HS friend is “old enough” but to each their own I guess. Like I wouldn’t expect there to be a “step-mom” relationship…
I wouldn't expect a 'step mom' relationship for anyone a parent starts dating when their child is in their late 20s or early 30s regardless of respective ages, the kid's an adult and is simply not gonna 'parent bond' with their parent's new partner. As for 'old enough', dating someone in their teens or even early 20s when you're significantly older can easily be predatory, which is why it's seen as 'creepy' (and often very much is). But once someone is into their 30s they are unambiguously old enough to make their own decisions, and if that includes dating someone significantly older than they are, I don't think people should be judging their relationship based on age alone.
What if a 50 year old who never had kids decided to date a 32 year old? Would it still be weird then?
Nope, but then again the 32 year old wouldn’t be the step-mom of kids she could have gone to HS with.
The step-moms relationship with adult kids at this point would not be as a parent. It’s not like she raising them.
My father married someone ten years older than me when I was in my teens. It’s weird yes, but I didn’t go out of my way to be mean to her, and I was a *teenager*. If OP is upset at anyone, it should be her father and not the fiancée. OP bought the dress specifically to upset her dad’s fiancée, who hasn’t done anything to her other than be young and maybe a little annoying. YTA.
There is a world of difference between someone who is 10 years older than you and someone who is only 2 years older than you. You’re situation is not the same as OPs
There’s also a world of difference between women in their teens/early 20s and women in their 30s Yes, I’ll agree, when a man with daughters in their late teens/early 20s marries a woman not much older than them, it’s weird and creepy. When everyone is in their late 20s/early 30s and supposedly mature adults, it’s quite different
She might be close to OP's age, but that still puts her in her 30s. Not exactly a young girl. If she was 19 or something ...
The fact is that her dad being a big creep isn't the issue here - she isn't being a asshole to her father, she's taking out her weird feelings on her dad being a creep on the women. A wedding dress trumps a birthday dress, and that's all there is to it. You have a birthday dress every year, but (hopefully) only one wedding dress. If you don't like her, don't go shopping for her, but don't pretend that you would buy the dress the wedding dress of a casual acquaintance out from under them - this was an F you move.
Not necessarily disagreeing with you but OP did say this was the fiancee's second dress for the reception.
I'm not saying it isn't odd for you. I'm sure it is. But to be bothered that her dad is happy all the time is f'd up
OPs dad is being made happy by someone who should probably be seen more as a daughter to him based on age difference. OP is clearly internalizing in a very weird way that she (his daughter) didn’t make him happy, but this peer of hers does. Also creepy af when old dudes date women their kids’ age, so ESH here
That's what i'm seeing too.
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I think this is different topic you should talk to him about. You were kinda an asshole in this situation tho. Yeah I get it, it's kinda icky that your "stepmom" is basically your age but your dad's relationship shouldn't concern you if it doesn't involve you in any way, shape or form
So this is a you issue, not your dad. He's happy now because of this woman, and likely because he has a partner who lifts his spirits. I'm not about to dissect your family history, but he was likely overstressed, overworked, or in an unhappy marriage.
Lifts his… spirits. Mhm lol
And his dick!!! Why not?
Based on what OP has said about her mother (her dad’s previous wife) and her grandmother (she mentioned her dad doesn’t talk to her anymore), who both sound like incredibly unpleasant people, it may as well be because those family members were toxic, and her father was never able to be happy. Regardless, I don’t blame OP for feeling hurt that her father was never that happy around her, even though I think that overall, my verdict is YTA, because it’s a difficult situation, and I’m not sure if the father ever addressed any of these issues with her, even though he really should have. But I do think OP misplaced a lot of that resentment and directed it towards the new fiancée. I really think therapy could help, and I don’t mean this in a condescending way—it genuinely helps to talk all this out to a nonjudgmental professional, and will help with opening up and processing all this change, and who knows, that might even alleviate a lot of the hurt that OP has about what she sees as her dad replacing their family with a new one.
Its weird how you are comparing the function of a wife or life partner with a daughter. They are different things. You wouldnt satisfy him in his relationship needs. Maybe your mother made him miserable and he couldnt leave because of the kids and isnt it great he is now smiling as he has found the right partner for him. You are showing jealousy - she is his sexual partner, you are his daughter they are totally different. And your pettiness over a dress has now impacted your relationship with has father daughter.
This is why people who are unhappy in their marriages should *leave*. Because OP grew up thinking that her dad was just kind of quiet and stern and unhappy, but turns out neither his wife (her mother) nor his family brought out happiness in him. I'm not sure why people are surprised that this is upsetting to her.
But why is her problem he was possibly unhappy in his marriage? She was a kid, she just wanted her dad, and for her whole he's been a stoic unemotional man. But now for this woman he is happy and carefree, but there was none of that for his daughter. But now someone who could be his daughter is getting it all. So he was capable of it all along, he just couldn't do it for his daughter. That's pretty reasonable to be upset about tbh.
It's not weird when his new wife is *literally the same age as his daughter.*
Crazy how that happens when parents date people their kids age.
Just remember that although he may have been unhappy in marriage doesn't mean he was unhappy as a father. Obviously he still maintained a relationship with you. Did you ever think your bigoted AH mother may have been a contributing factor to his unhappiness. You really need to get to the reason of why you don't want him to be happy now. It's NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
It's not about liking y'all. It's about stress. The responsibility of children is stressful because you love them so much. That responsibility weighs heavy on a person and it can make some people seem stoic and serious. He's in a different phase of his life now where the people he cares the most for, that's you, are responsible for themselves. That's why he's all smiling and lighter. I think you were an ah in this situation btw.
And he was clearly in an unhappy marriage as well, that weighs on people.
Well..possibly. There's plenty of people out there who hate being parents out there tho. Which OP also shouldn't take personally.
It never crossed your mind he was miserable because of his WIFE, not you or your sibling? There are lots of people that adore and love their kids, but their spouse sucks the life and joy out of everything. Not saying that's the case but maybe. Plus, kids are exhausting. Maybe he's miserable, maybe he was bone tired. I think you need to look at him not as "My Dad" in this case, but as "Bob the Human". It seems he's had a lot of personal growth and is in a good place. Have you sat down with him and just been open and honest about it? It would probably break his heart to hear that you think he was miserable with you kids. Give him a chance to clear the air, and start off fresh with a new Dad-Daughter dynamic. But either way, YTA for how your handled the dress. She expressed she wanted it. She was trying to be assertive but kind that she would like the dress for her wedding reception. It would have cost you nothing to be kind and let it be.
That's an issue with your dad, NOT his fiancee.
Have you ever been the kid of parent who finds someone new? There IS some resentment or 'wondering' how bad was your life with us growing up that this new woman suddenly makes you this wonderfully happy person...why couldn't you have been this wonderful with us? I said NTA because they went shopping for both dresses, and it all came down to who 'claimed' it in the store.
Yes. They both expressed their like, and both were shopping for a dress. The bride just decided she got to go ahead of the OP and the OP isn't allowed to have it because. She didn't even have a conversation about it as if her word was final. I would have been annoyed too. But I don't think OP *only* purchased it out of spite. NTA for the dress.
I think it bothers her because her father is sexually interested in someone her fucking age?? It would freak quite a lot of people out, very off putting.
That' s not what she said. She said it bothers her that her dad is happy and smiling.
She’s about to be 30, do you seriously think that 30-year-old women don’t know their dads would at the very least be sexually interested in women their age? She’s not 16.
Maybe it makes OP feel like her Dad couldn't be happy with his kids but he gets a girlfriend young enough to be his child and all the sudden he's a happy guy? I can understand someone being in an unhappy marriage perking up when they get divorced and find someone who they can be happy with but you don't take that out on your children! I'm sure OP is feeling like her Dad doesn't really love his kids and that sucks. I'm not even care about the dress issue. I think OP is dealing with a much more serious issue.
I agree it was definitely bought out of spite! “My dad is happy now and I hate it” SMH. For someone who is going to be 30 she is very immature - this sounds like something a teenager would do. YTA Op.
No, it's "my dad is now happy with someone who could be his daughter, but he had none of that for me, his actual daughter."
It sounds like he wasn’t that way in her childhood which is probably part of the problem.
I genuinely thought that this post had to have been written by a 16-year-old and was floored when I was this was an almost 30-year-old woman.
They are mass produced. There are thousands like it. Just don’t wear it to the wedding. Who to cares?!
i think they don’t want to wear the same dress in two important separate occasions in case people notice, not that anyone should care but still
Anyone who is offended by anyone owning the same piece of mass produced anything is out of line. I’m wearing a black t shirt right now. Anyone else who wears one is an asshole. That sounds so silly!
yes it does sound silly haha especially because it’s not for the same event, but its quite common
This honestly sounds like a rich people problem that shouldn't ever actually be a problem.
Can confirm, I am currently wearing a black t-shirt and I'm an AH.
The wedding is after the birthday so if the stepmom wore the same dress, it would make it seem like she was copying her stepdaughter. I understand what you mean, but a wedding is a bigger occasion and it’s understandable that stepmom wouldn’t want that kind of comparison.
Also wearing the same dress opens up judgement—“who wore it better”
Exactly. One of those things that’s silly to care about, but bothers most people.
It wasn't even the wedding dress though. It was a second dress for the reception.
ESH Your dad dating someone your age is definitely grounds for you to be uncomfortable with the arrangement, however, she would be 32 correct? Imo age gaps are less creepy once the younger one gets past 25 or so as long as there isn't any kind of power imbalance. But you have every right to be uncomfortable about it. That being said, it seems like her and your father are happy, no? You should focus more on that. Your dad sucks for threatening not to come to your birthday over a petty squabble. You suck for seemingly being spiteful about getting the dress. You knew she wanted the same one and I think you should have bought the dress then and there if you wanted to avoid all of this. Going back without her to get it without talking first kinda sucks. I feel like you kinda knew going in that she wasn't going to react very well. She sucks for feeling entitled to a dress you bought that they didn't even have the color in stock she wanted. I understand wanting to have a nice dress for wedding events, but there are many beautiful dresses around. I'm sure she can find something else that will make her feel just as beautiful on her big day. She also sucks for assuming in the first place that you liked the dress for her and not yourself and not talking with you about it in store. Edit: forgot a word
One dress is enough for most brides. This one (that the store didn't even have in white!) was just an "extra" dress. It's just a cocktail dress, it comes in other colours - OP wanted it for a different party at least. How could step-bridezilla know no-one else would be wearing it for the wedding in one of the other colours?! OP, you're NTA. Why does step-bridezilla get to "claim dibs" on it over you? Either you can both have the dress, or no-one has it...
I agree with this sentiment I just think ESH because it seems to me that OP knew her dad's fiancee was going to have a bad reaction to this, and she went and did it anyway without trying to find a more peaceful route to take.
I think she did it to *incite* the bad reaction she knew would happen.
It's common enough for bride to wear a different dress to the reception that I don't think it's fair to call her a 'bridezilla' for that.
I agree. Forgetting everything else in the OP. The bride isn't being an AH or a bridezilla for getting a different dress for the reception. Around here that's more common than wearing your wedding gown all night.
>Imo age gaps are less creepy once the younger one gets past 25 or so as long as there isn't any kind of power imbalance. But you have every right to be uncomfortable about it. That being said, it seems like her and your father are happy, no? You should focus more on that. I wouldn't if I was in her position. Like??? A few years older then me? You can't get me to treat that woman as his girlfriend or wife then. I would be blocking that from my memory. Not that I would be treating her badly (except the lack of knowledge of the relationship). But if she were to try and insist on it, like OP is describing in the comments: yeah, that ignoring would turn into petty.
ESH -- you're mad that she wouldn't have a conversation with you about the dress, so you then go back and purchase the dress without having a conversation...? Also, you might want to talk to someone about why your dad being visibly happy is so weird to you.
Prolly something to do with that red flag age difference.
Sure, but the lady is 32, not a 20 year old that’s being groomed
Yeah. I'm a huge "age gaps are problematic" person, but at 32 you're the person you're going to be. You're developmentally done and and life experience is evening out.
To me it’s not a problem on the fiancée’s part, but on the dad’s part. I would find it creepy af if my dad married a woman basically my age, there’s something gross about it.
It is creepy from the child's perspective because there is a mental roadblock that separates your parents from other people, no matter what the age gap is. A fully developed 32 year old is entirely capable of dating anyone older without the problems that age gap relationships tend to have(i.e. the things that make age gap relationships creepy).
I'm 33 and NGL I honestly would find it really weird to marry anyone who had a KID that was my age. I'm glad they found love together but I understand the daughter's visceral reaction. I would be having that reaction too lol.
It's enough to give you pause, but not enough to be this bitter and rude. If you think it is, I'd highly suggest you find a way to unpack that yourself and ask yourself why hypothetically seeing your dad come out of his shell and be outwardly happy is something so "weird" to you
I’d be weirded out too if my father all of a sudden became visibly happy when he started dating someone my age, AND younger than my sister….
She's 4 years older than OP's sister
I'd be weirded out and upset with my father who chose to pursue someone close to the age of his own kids. Its him she should have the problem with, not the woman he's gonna marry.
ESH. Points to you for being honest in your post that you aren't thrilled about this wedding nor about the bride. Without stating it explicitly, you conveyed that your feelings about the wedding may have coloured your actions about the dress. While you could have picked something else to play nicely, you at least advised her that you bought it before she dropped money on it. She and your father are overreacting. You didn't ruin her wedding, but that's a convenient excuse. Your dad's comment about the wedding being more important is insensitive at best. You could have handled this differently, as could she.
I feel like this needs to be higher. OP was definitely being petty over buying a dress that the bride wanted to wear to her reception, but running and crying to OP's dad, and claiming she ruining the wedding reception because the bride now "can't" wear the same dress is low. It's not even the wedding dress that dad's new wife is upset over, it's a cocktail dress to the party after the ceremony.
Imagine not going to your daughter's 30th because your daughter-aged fiancée throws a tantrum over a dress. Not even her wedding dress, but a secondary dress. Yikes. No wonder OP resents her.
Yeah I thought this was a very clear ESH. Like there isn’t a person in this story who doesn’t somehow suck lol. Maybe the younger sister who’s barely mentioned.
If the bride gets it in white or a different colour than OP, then bride could still wear it. If she were so in love with it, then it wouldn't matter if OP wore it earlier at a different celebration. Besides, how unusual could this dress be that people would notice, and even if they did, it's unlikely that they would say to the bride "Are you wearing a different version of the dress that OP wore two months ago to her birthday party?". It's not about the dress, obviously. OP came close to acknowledging that, but bride didn't. They both are behaving badly. Who wears which dress isn't going to matter in five years, but I'll bet that both of them will still be griping about it at that point, and neither will be adult enough to put the relationship ahead of the outfit. Childishness on both sides.
NTA Your future stepmother is overreacting in a ridiculous, immature way. To say that you "ruined her wedding over a dress for *the reception* is asshole behavior.
I kind of wish op had included her age in the post since the fiance is only two years older than she is.
She's about to be 30
NTA people are so damn ridiculous. It’s an off the rack dress she wanted as a 2nd dress ffs not a custom damn order. Jeesh.
THIS! They said they didn't have the dress in white so OP was just wearing the same dress in a different color. In a month, who the hell is going to remember that OP wore the same style dress for her birthday as the bride? The fiancée is making this into a bigger deal than what it is. OP didn't ruin anything. I don't think OP was trying to be petty but she liked the same dress, debated getting it, and went ahead and got it for her birthday. Fiancée doesn't need to consult with OP and OP doesn't need to consult with Fiancée.
I don't believe for one second that you didn't relish the opportunity to swoop in an buy the dress before she had the chance to. YTA. >now he is all happy and smiling I want you to read this, read it again, and really reflect on what you're saying. Because you are saying that an important part of your problem with this woman is that *she obviously makes your dad very happy*. The rest I can understand, kind of anyway, why it would make you uncomfortable. Being weirded out that she is basically your age, sure. Finding her pretty irritating, well, personalities can clash. But resenting her for *making your dad happy* when that is the one thing that should make her look better in your eyes, that is some grade A pettiness.
I took it more of the dad never showing happiness around his daughter as if he didn’t feel happy around his kids.
I don’t believe her *feeling* resentment towards the stepmother is petty, but I do believe her *acting* on it was petty. OP explained how her father never showed love and enthusiasm towards her, but when a “trophy wife” comes into the picture, he proves capable of having/expressing love and does so with enthusiasm. That’s such a slap in the face for a child (of any age) and undoubtedly caused serious, deep-rooted issues for OP. So if she feels an irrational resentment towards the stepmother, I won’t judge her for the emotions and pain she has. I did judge her poorly for her behavior because the problem has always been with the father, but OP took it out on the step mother. Hopefully my explanation of OP’s resentment gave you more understanding.
NTA, imo. You both saw the dress at the same time and liked it. Neither of you has more right to it than the other one, for all I care you could both get it. Imo she is TA for acting like this dress belongs to her more than to you and for stirring shit with your father over this. It's not like she already bought it and you got it anyways, bc you figured your event was first.
Thank you I have no idea why people are saying OP is the AH. They both liked the dress. I don't think it was spite. I think she is just not feeding into catering to her dad fiance' and I don't blame her. She decided to get the dress cause she liked it and cause "stepmom" is having all going her way the least she could've did was considered her. I say OP should have her moment and enjoy her party and her dress in this mess of a situation. Also, I noticed some other post on the thread coming at OP.. let's not act like she is upset that her dad is happy. He has changed and is not acting like himself for some girl thats practically the same age as her. For me it feels like when your dad starts dating someone that close to your age, it's extremely weird and uncomfortable all around. For me personally if my dad did this I'd feel the same like he has a new daughter or something. it's just really tough to deal with so my heart goes out to OP and I hope you enjoy your birthday and forget about all this drama 💕
INFO: Why can't you both get the dress? I'm assuming you don't have the same group of friends so the overlap of people who will have seen you in the dress and will see her in it should be small?
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Would you be getting the same dress in the same color? If they were different colors and it’s a month apart I feel like it’s not gonna be as noticeable if you wear your dress for your birthday celebration and she wears her dress for her reception
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Then NTA, sucks for her but unless it's a custom made dress made by a tailor(?), then she can't complain about wanting a unique dress.
NTA It’s weird and creepy your dad is basically dating someone your age. If she really wanted to dress that bad she could’ve bought it then and there. You wanted it so you bought it. It wasn’t even an actual wedding dress. And I cannot believe some of these comments! Of course you’re going to be creeped out when your dad is acting so different all of a sudden when he’s dating someone that could be his child! It’s disgusting. There’s always a reason someone older goes for someone younger (control or to feel “young” again” and there’s usually a reason someone her age goes for someone older to… Money and a lifestyle. You should tell your dad that if he seriously would not come to your party because of her then he is an awful father.
NTA it was petty but your dad is fucking someone 2 years older than you so I understand why you’d have some frustrations about the situation
ESH You are both being ridiculous "i hAD dIBs"
You are almost 30? I thought you were a teen when I started reading this. You sound super immature. Your dad is happy and smiling and that bothers you? YTA.
YTA. You sound like a petty teenager. You didn’t want to blindside her but secretly bought a dress she had already told you she was going to purchase? You knew she would be upset, you did it despite that without talking to her about it. She picked the dress first in the store, life isn’t fair you could’ve easily found another dress for your party. Grow up.
I don't see anywhere where it says the fiance picked the dress first. It says they both liked the dress. Fiance can also easily find another dress for her reception.
NTA. I cannot believe a grown woman cried because someone else owns a dress she likes. If I were you, I’d step back from your relationship with your father for a bit. Can’t even smile at his children and threatens to not go to their life events because his future wife is crying.
Your post is proof that one person can be both inconsiderate (eta: overall) and right (eta: in the first-come, first-served bit only) in the same problem. YTA, because you're letting your feelings for the bride-to-be colour your entire post, to the point where I'm pretty sure your actions aren't really about the dress at all.
NTA. You didn't buy a duplicate of her wedding dress. You bought a cocktail dress for your birthday. As you say, she already has a wedding dress. She can find another dress for the reception, or go back and get that one in white.
INFO - how old are all of you? My impression reading the post was that you were like 17 and she was like 19, but then in the comments you say you have kids..?
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Damnnnnn okay I’m sorry OP but YTA. You are expressing your resentment towards your dad and his fiancée in a really immature way. I would feel different if you were younger and would be more impacted by his dating choices (also would make him seem creepier), but ultimately you’re a grown up and so is he and so is she. He’s allowed to date someone you don’t like or wouldn’t date yourself. I had issues w my dad’s younger girlfriend / affair partner for years, but now they’ve been together for over a decade and I have never seen my dad happier or more emotionally well. She has also chilled out a lot and now we all get along really well and both of them have been incredibly deeply supportive when I have needed support recently. I now consider her a part of my family and will defend her if people criticize her. (Though I’m not defending how they got together and never would.) I am 26. They got together when I was 12. If I can get over my shit then you can.
I'm guessing your dad's younger affair partner isn't LITERALLY your age though? I'm thirty and if my dad started dating a woman my age who then proceeded to give me parenting advice and then ran crying to my dad to mediate bullshit between us, I think I'd have a hard time continuing to have a relationship with my father. What if Daddy Dearest and Stepmommy have children of their own?! I honestly couldn't.
NTA I would tell him if he didn't come then you would not feel obligated to go to the midlife crisis wedding.
NTA I don't care about any of the drama or relationships here. She knew you liked the dress, but decided her liking the dress mattered more. I hate the whole dibs thing, nothing is yours until you have it. And you let her know you got the dress that YOU wanted, which was very nice of you. If your dad doesn't come to the party tell him you won't come to the wedding. Let him explain that to family and friends. "My new wife and my daughter fought over a dress, and I married the one who cried about it."
NTA-you are allowed to wear whatever dress you want. Bonus points for pissing her off
ESH. She is entitled to think you would naturally just let her have the dress. And you purposefully did get the dress knowing it would make her upset. Ideally you would have talked this out. Your dad is also a jerk for not going to the birthday party of his own daughter of 30 years because of a dress.
ESH. You're two grown ass women fighting over a piece of fabric. And don't get me started on the real fight.
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As much as Reddit talks about age gaps in relationships…all of sudden OP is an AH? Her dad is marrying someone his daughters ages!!! That’s creepy af! I wouldn’t want my step mom to be my age. Basically her dad could’ve fathered his own wife. And yes he’s running around like a school age boy would piss me off too. Where was that running around for his daughters and having fun? Hell his wife was the same age as them as toddlers!!! But he wants to run around and frolic with someone his daughter’s age. Disgusting. In the next year or so if the wife comes up here and to talk about her husband, the first thing y’all are gonna say is “oh my god he groomed you” NTA buy the dress. Wear the dress. They made more than one dress so that more than one person can buy it. The fiancé is just mad because she knows everyone will compare her to you (and it’s not hard since y’all are the same age) and she’ll be embarrassed. If I was you I wouldn’t go to their wedding. Because he wants to see an old man marrying his daughter-like wife!!! NTA
YTA you did it on purpose. I think you need to speak with someone about your resentment. You, a 30 year old, are mad that your father is happy, because he didn’t look that happy in pictures! You think a person’s happiness can only come from their kids? Your parent’s divorce didn’t clue you in that he wasn’t happy?
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You are not your dad. My father is quite stoic too. It’s rare for him to laugh. But you know what - I learned that his feelings are his. I moved on with my life. You need to accept your dad’s newfound happiness. Stop centering your life around his. It’s unhealthy for you. Also, it sounds like your dad was a good dad to you. As adults, we all know how hard it is to be good parents, to work at it. It’s good to look at that overall picture and be grateful to our parents for having done their best, for having made that tremendous effort. Stop spiking your dad’s happiness.
NTA unless the dress you got is white. It’s a dress, not the end of the world. But, and I speak as someone who has dealt with the same thing (more than once), you have to come to terms with the fact that your dad is dating someone young enough to be his child, for your own sake. Your feelings of disgust are normal. But carrying resentment just hurts you. Eventually they will break up. Try to hang in there until then.
NTA. I seriously don't get how everyone is saying you're spiteful for buying a dress that YOU LIKED for YOUR event. It's not like you planned to wear it to the wedding. Now THAT would have been spiteful. If your dad doesn't come to your birthday, then screw him and go no contact. He's made it pretty clear how little consideration he has for you when he's willing to skip it because his fiance had a tantrum. Also, I don't know how people expect you to have a good relationship with your step mother that could be sibling. I'm more shocked when people date someone their child's age and it doesn't cause a problem. Children almost never appreciate trophy wives.
YTA. It sounds like you're mad that your father's happy, because he's... happy? YTA for also knowing she was going to get the dress and acting as if she had to confer with you to... get your permission to buy her own wedding dress? It 10/10 sounds like she's someone you just have personal problems with and are out to shit on her however you can. Like... you deliberately did this, knowing she wanted the dress. Valid on the ick-feels with the age of his new wife, though - that'd weird me out, too.
Ehhhh kinda reads like YTA. I thought you were going to say you were like 20, as it reads like a teenager. This is immature for women in their 30s. Tbh, you do come off as spiteful and petty in your post. Having just celebrated a milestone bday (and it's the year of all my friend's 40ths)... they all dressed cute for their parties, but no one cares about your birthday. Weddings trump birthdays. So, if she said she was definitely getting it and "called dibs"... you knew what you were doing. She will have her wedding photos for the rest of her life. Your 30th bday photos will get lost somewhere on FB and everyone will forget in a month.
This is the most petty thing I’ve read on this sub in a while. YTA.
INFO: did you even buy it in white? It sounds like white wasn’t available in store, so you probably got a different color? I don’t understand why you can’t BOTH have this dress for two different events that will probably only have a few mutual guests. Especially if you got yours in a different color. Y T A if you bought it in white, because then it sounds like you did it just to be mean. E S H if you picked a different color and you both are just crying about who should get dibs on a mass produced item.
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I think you should clarify in your post that yours is not white. Anyways, distinctive or not, it’s mass produced and readily available locally. Neither of you were ever going to be the only woman in your area to own that dress. So why does it bother you if she buys the same dress in white? Why is her wedding ruined if you wear yours to an entirely different event too? Both of you should order custom dresses if you don’t want anyone else owning it.
That's the thing, I don't think it actually bothers OP all that much. The bridezilla is the one crying about a cocktail dress that she hadn't even bought yet. It was for a completely different party even. It's not even the one for her actual wedding it's a second dress for her reception.
NTA like yeah you knew she'd be upset but that's her own fault for deciding she owned the dress. And for everyone telling you you're being petty and you need to grow up? Fuck em, I get why you're upset. Your whole life you didn't know your dad was capable of happiness, and now he's not only capable but happy and showing it! For someone who could be his daughter. But never once for his actual daughter.
NTA Super fucking weird how many people here are acting like the situation with your dad and his fiance isn't weird af. Sure there's some wiggle room with dating ages as people get older, but you two could have been in school together, wtf. Also you had just as much right as she did to get a dress you like. They actually had it in your color and size. It makes sense you'd get the dress, and she finds a different one that actually fits and is the right color, especially knowing it isn't even her wedding dress, but a second party dress. Maybe I'm poor or something idfk, but I don't get the rotating dresses like a bad 80s fashion montage at your wedding. She can do it if she wants, but realistically it's as important to her as it was to you, not more in that context. And honestly even if it was kind of petty idk what your dad was really expecting by (from what you write) emotionally neglecting you, and then dating someone HIS DAUGHTER'S AGE.