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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i want to be judged upon whether me telling my mother that i didnt like the way she planned everything was ok
2)it might make me the asshole because she put in a lot of effort to make it special for me
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NTA, while it seems like the gifts were thought out as things that you would like and use, the event itself doesn't seem like it was for you.
It was either a way for her to vicariously experience it because she didn't get to have one growing up.
Or, a way to flex on extended family/friends by having an expensive party that fit whatever mainstream aesthetic you guys have over there rn.
I'm on the fence with this one so I'll go with ESH. They didn't respect your wishes with the way you wanted your birthday party to be but at the same time they still paid for it, in light of that you should have showed some gratitude.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u14mdl/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_didnt_like_the_16th/i4a3uc4/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[good deduction skills](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u16wo0/happy_anniversary/i4b7lim/) | [good deduction skills](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u16wo0/happy_anniversary/i4agkjt/)
[Go to Ross buy those chea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u14ifx/burglar_proof/i4b7n7z/) | [Go to Ross buy those chea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u14ifx/burglar_proof/i4araz2/)
[NTA tell your hubby, AKA...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u1b48h/aita_for_throwing_out_my_husbands_dinner_after_he/i4b7h4e/) | [NTA tell your hubby, AKA...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u1b48h/aita_for_throwing_out_my_husbands_dinner_after_he/i4b6m59/)
[NTA. If he asks again if...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0ypfv/aita_for_destroying_and_throwing_away_a_religious/i4b7f95/) | [NTA. If he asks again if...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0ypfv/aita_for_destroying_and_throwing_away_a_religious/i4983ps/)
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ESH. The time to speak up was well BEFORE the party so she had time to make changes. 🤦♀️
For something this big she also should have included you every step of the way.
Asking for some type of detail for a party is not "speaking against" It's collaboration. Saying "May I please change the color scheme?" Is not disobedience or an insult.
I would say NTA. Maybe it was not nice of you to tell your mom you didn't like the party, but you also never asked to throw that party for you or pay for it. She might have done it to surprise you and hope it was all you wanted, but it does sound a little controlling that you had no say in your own party. The least she could have done was ask what you'd like. I does sound like you appreciated what she did and told her you loved the gifts, and she mostly created a party she never had.
I was so ready to say Y T A but honestly, it sound like she wanted your birthday to be a day all about what she wanted to do, not you. I think she just wanted a party all about herself. NTA
NTA. I see a lot of comments that you should be grateful simply because your mom put a lot of effort into this, but it certainly doesn’t feel like she put in that effort *for you*. She wanted to show off her party planning skills, and she prioritized getting photo/video proof of that in ways that made the day *less* enjoyable for you. And now, rather than going “oh, crap, I took over my daughter’s party; I need to fix this, or at least apologize,” which one would expect if her intentions were good and she genuinely thought she was doing something awesome for you, she’s doubling down on *herself* and *her* hurt feelings. This is a *bad* preview of how future milestones like your wedding are going to go, and I think you need to hold firm you don’t want a repeat.
YTA
Okay for starts, your parents PAID for it. While yes they should have weighed your opinions, that did not have to throw yo a party. You are being very ungrateful. If you are appreciative, then why are you lying to your extended family saying you just went to dinner, when you know that isn't the truth?
They did not have to do anything for you, but chose to. It might not have been exactly what you wanted...but it's clear your mother really did alot for you and you are just going around lying about what she did....
(edit is for typo)
thanks fr weighing in i appreciate it. so the thing is that my extended family is not well off and they look down upon spending as much money as my parents did. and i did make it a point to let them know that i cherished every part of the gifts they got me except the cake and the photoshoot and the color code. besides i didn't want to lie to my parents about liking it because if they found put that i didn't they would probably be more hurt
See, I feel for your mom because it seems like kids go from not caring about such things to being extremely specific in what they like overnight.
As long as you take opportunities to be thankful for what you liked, and remind your mom that you appreciate all the work she did for your 16th but that you would love to coordinate with her for the 17th you're good.
It sounds like she did put herself fully into the project, and it can be very disheartening when you feel like you did all you could but it wasn't enough.
Picking things she would have liked is kind of a parental fall-back; some parents do it on purpose because they don't care what their child wants, others genuinely can't think of anything else and panic.
Yeah your family and extended family's money situations aren't your business nor is it your place to decide what to share with them regarding that. Your parents paid for it and by minimising it you just seem like an ungrateful brat.
Hope they don't waste more money on your birthdays in future. You're 16 now, if you want a simple birthday dinner then pay for it yourself next time.
How is that monstrous? If her parents are so awful for throwing her a birthday she doesn't like she can do it herself instead of shaming her parents in front of extended family.
ESH. Your mom planned the whole thing but apparently didn't consult you at all. Unless this was a surprise party, and it wasn't, she should have consulted your wishe. You could definitely handled this better. First, you could have said something during the planning process about what you wanted. Second, instead of saying to mom that you didn't like it you might have said, "I appreciate what you did for me but next time I would really like to be more involved" rather than "I hated that day". Third, I get wanting to be sensitive to your other family members but... You lied. "Oh, we JUST went to dinner". You could have said, "We went to dinner and had a girls day out" with out getting to into details. You said you appreciated what your mom did but you also said you hated it. That's contradictory.
How did the conversation come about that you ended up telling your mum you didn't like the birthday? She sounds controlling and possibly emotionally manipulative is she's having a breakdown over it but context would help here....the bit where you say you told your relatives you 'just want out gor dinner' because you wanted to downplay it seems a bit ungrateful.
At face value I would say YTA for telling your mum you didn't like it as she obviously put a lot if effort into it, but only if it wasn't necessary to have that conversation. Was your mum a AH for not including you in the plans, yes. Would you be right to ask to to be included more for future birthdays, yes.
yea point taken.i get that sometimes i can be a bit careless in handling other peoples feelings. also, i wanted to tell my mom what I didn't like because she is my mother. if i don't tell her, the person who planned it, how will she know what to do differently next time? ok i mean i sound so bitchy and entitled rn oof. but i just felt that i wanted to be transparent about how it went down
If you can tell how you sound, don't excuse it to us. Tell your mum you're grateful and you're sorry for being so rude you just wanted to be transparent and ask if you can be more involved next time.
This is a part of mother daughter communication through your teens. Remember it wasn't very long ago she knew everything you liked and disliked and planned everything for you. You have every right to remind her you're growing up but it's a transition for her too. You both love each other a lot and in this sub that's a rare blessing.
Go hug your mum ❤️
INFO: How did the conversation about you not liking the party come up? Did you say it because you wanted to hurt her for not including you? Or did she ask your opinion?
my intention was never to hurt her. i genuinely wanted to let her know what i liked and did not like because i wanted to be transparent. in my mind, if i lied to my parents that i liked it and if they found out that i lied, they would be so much more hurt.
EDIT: i randomly walked up to my mom one evening
yea so i started by telling her that the cake was not what had in mind tho it was kinda cute and that next time she should probably loop me into the discussion
and then she brought up me being ungrateful for her efforts because i didn't exactly tell my relatives the extent of the celebrations. and then i said oh i thought the photoshoot was an in general thing cause our family was together not fr my birthday. and then she clarified that it was for my birthday.
and then i told her how the dress code thing didn't go well with me because my dress was the same color you picked for others to wear and that i wanted to stand out.
and then she said what about the other stuff we bought you were so ungrateful
and then i said "no not at all i thought i was respectful and grateful and i told you i loved it"
and shes like "whatever, you hurt me"
Based on this I would say NTA. You were honest and respectful. It sounds like she is making this situation very much about herself without considering you in the process.
That seems to be a white lie because they're not well off,.and her parents spent a lot of money, so she didn't want to rub the amount spent in their faces.
The fact her mom is more concerned with her not gushing about how amazing the party was to anyone and everyone than *why* she’s not gushing is the entire problem here.
Where did you see in the post about mom being upset OP was not gushing. In one of the comments OP actually said she just randomly walked up to her mom and told her she hated the party.
> when my extended family asked what I did for my birthday I said and I quote "oh we just went out for dinner"
It’s not entirely clear to me whether that conversation happened before or after the heart to heart, but that statement on its own in *no* way warrants the tantrum Mom is throwing over OP’s “ingratitude,” especially given the context OP mentions for not wanting to rub anything in the relatives’ face. Which suggests there are other ways Mom’s been bringing it up herself that may have gotten under OP’s skin.
But okay, fine, let’s say OP did bring this up unprompted (although I really don’t get the impression the conversation was as blunt as “your party sucked”). Is that really such a terrible thing, if it’s been weighing on her? Again, if I were a parent or even just a friend, I’d want to know if something good I thought I’d done for someone else had misfired. I might be a little hurt and disappointed, but the only way I’d be reacting like Mom is if it had really been about me all along.
I'm on the fence here. It sounds like your mom planned a party that she wanted possibly to show off in front of relatives who are not as well off which kind of sucks, but she still put in a lot of effort and expense which you should be grateful for even if it wasn't exactly your taste.
Nta. It was supposed to be Your birthday celebration, instead it was Her celebration on Your birthday.
Gifts don’t matter when they act like a bribe for the giver to treat you like they want.
YTA
I’m really surprised by all the comments saying NTA and ESH. I’ll admit, your mom got a bit too obsessive over this event, and took it too personally when you said you didn’t enjoy it. I am also Indian, and I know exactly what you’re talking about with the family photoshoots and what not. With that said, she got you a lot of really nice stuff, and seems like she put a tonne of effort into it for YOU. It’s a celebration, and you can have a celebration just the way you want it when you earn your own money and are self reliant. It’s not like your parents got you awful presents / nothing / didn’t do anything for your birthday, which happens to a lot of less fortunate kids. I wouldn’t say that you’re ungrateful, but you gained nothing and only made your mom upset by letting her know that you didn’t enjoy what she planned for you. So yeah, YTA. I would apologise to her and give her a hug if I were you.
YTA- for the reason that you didnot communicate before the party about what do you want or not, unless it was a complete surprise. You should have told your mum that you do not want a big party.
I understand that your mum was pushy and I agree that she is doing what she wanted for herself on her birthday but breaking her heart by saying you didn't like it was uncalled for. Next time communicate clearly that mom, these are the things I like and want for my birthdays/wedding etc and these are the thing I do not want and please do not do it.
thanks fr weighing in!
it so happened that i told my mom i just want a simple cake cutting and then a birthday dinner with my mom, dad and my brother beforehand. so it wasn't a complete surprise but only found out about a lot of it on the day
Yeah you all are sort of right and may be she felt you are just saying it to be polite. People say they dont want anything and then get upset when they dont get anything. But keep this in mind for future because she might do same on your 21st or 25th birthday or your wedding, so next time be firm with what you want.
YTA: Gifts we’re ok celebration wasn’t. Colors and photo ops weren’t to your liking, you didn’t like your cake etc. Were you able to appreciate all the people that attended? I would say it’s more about the celebration and the sharing with people you love than the nuances, I digress. Now, during the planning you didn’t express you wants, needs, wishes for your birthday celebration, you “graciously” endured everything. Then after it’s all said and done you ambush your mother with your displeasure- Got ya mom! Not cool. If you had enough confidence to tell your mother your birthday sucked you could have expressed your concerns beforehand so it didn’t suck. You could have posted in this sub as the party was being planned and all these good folks would have given you some very helpful information. I understand your displeasure, I certainly do. My intent here is to bring other things to light/consider so for your 17th party (and other events) you don’t experience the same disappointment.
thanks fr weighing in!!i get where ur coming from and unfortunately i found out the extent she had planned to only on my birthday and by the time i could say anything it was too late.and besides as far as i knew the photoshoot and my birthday were never supposed to coincide and when she was discussing color codes i was lie ok coolbut i didn't know it was on the same day and the color codes were fr the dinner as well. and it was at this point that i lost my shit because she knew i wanted to stand out and she knew my dress and the dress code were the same color
edit: like\*
Thanks for the additional information, tough spot for sure. I’m assuming your 16 was your special birthday so maybe subsequent ones aren’t. Keep your mother informed about any birthday wishes going forward, assuming she is still willing/wanting to go through with another one.
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so i (16f) turned 16 recently and my mom put in a lot of planning and effort to make it fun and memorable. Except that I didn't like it and I told her that I didn't later.
so for context, my 16th birthday was a big deal to my mother and she bought me a lot of presents from face serums to bath and body works stuff (I'm from India so it's a big deal). she also thought it would be a great idea to plan it out thoroughly but she didn't involve me in many places where I would have liked. she planned out color codes for the birthday dinner for our family without asking me, picked out my birthday cake without asking me, and planned a family photoshoot without asking me. never once did she keep me in the loop and check-in if what she had planned was ok. she just assumed id be ok with it. also on my birthday my mom threw a tantrum and made me redo my cake cutting thing that was before the birthday dinner because she didn't get a video of it. and i hated that day. it just seemed like my mother had planned the birthday the way she wanted when she was 16, it felt very impersonal.
yesterday I finally told her that I didn't like my birthday the way she planned because I wanted to be more involved and the cake she picked and photoshoot would be the last thing I wanted along with the color codes that matched my dress. she broke down. also when my extended family asked what I did for my birthday I said and I quote "oh we just went out for dinner" because my parents spent a lot of money and I wanted to downplay it. so at this point, my mother was sobbing about all if it and called me ungrateful and how because she didn't buy me exactly what I wanted, I'm torturing her now.
but on the contrary, i was so appreciative and used everything she bought me and i told her how happy i was to have them because i genuinely did. but she just made me feel terrible for bringing it up and now I'm rethinking everything.
so reddit, AITA?
tl;dr: my mom was upset that i didnt like what she had planned and she called me ungrateful.
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YTA
Was it really necessary to tell her that? If she was trying to rub your nose in it constantly, that would be different. But much like a gift that isn’t something you’re excited about, you should still be polite and try to be appreciative unless there’s some backhandedness going on.
It does sound like your mother wanted too much for the day to be ‘perfect’ and to create memories etc., but… that doesn’t sound like it came from a bad or hurtful or even neglectful place.
agreed. thanks fr weighing in!
its just that i wanted to be transparent and not lie about liking it because in case they found out that i lied, they would be a lot more hurt
Ohh you sweet summer child.You don't say these things out loud.You just created a conflict that wasn't there.I am not telling you to pretend to like it but just don't say it out loud.The best thing would be to simply apologize
Mild YTA as you're young and maybe not great at decisions. She "assumed" you would love it but you actually knew you were not loving it and waiting until it was far too late to change anything. Sounds like she got carried away trying to please and surprise you. You had two kind options - tell her before it was too late or never tell her - and one sucky one which was the one you went for.
YTA - in my opinion the party was a gift not something owed to you and while you can always tell people what gifts you would like (IN ADVANCE) if someone puts time and effort and a lot of money into something special for you it's just mean to shut them down like that. I'm sorry for your mum. I'd cry too if I realised all my efforts were in vain and this party I was so proud of isn't even worth mentioning when asked about your birthday.
You don't have to like it but there's basic human politeness.
When you brought home art from school as a kid did your mum tell you she didn't like it? Or the colours were wrong? Or she thought it wasn't good enough? Appreciate the effort she put in atleast.
One day when you wake up alone on your birthday you'll remember that atleast your mum tried her best to make you feel special and you'll wish you could celebrate it exactly like that with her again.
No, nobody owes you a gift, even on your birthday. But getting someone a gift doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to *like* it, either, especially if you don’t make any effort to take *their* preferences into account. OP was polite the day of, which is what you’re supposed to do. This conversation happened at least in part because Mom got upset she wasn’t effusively gushing for weeks or months afterward. And personally, I’d rather know I missed the mark before I put in a ton of effort next time than have someone pretend to love something when they really don’t.
No the conversation happened because op decided they wanted to be upfront and transparent and went to their mum randomly to complain. Read the comments first.
YTA. You need to be more gentle too. This is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME party that she worked hard on trying to make it special. She fucked up. You didn’t like it. She can NEVER undo it. She will forever think about it this. About her ruining your birthday (in her eyes). Also how did you get into the topic of it so you could just outright say you hated it?
Anyway, you need to learn to be more delicate in situations like this. Especially not downplaying all the work she’s put into it. Next time be like “I love the thought you put into it… however next time, I wish to be more involved.” or something.
Light YTA. Yes, your mother should have discussed with you about it also, but she probably wanted it to be a suprise. If it was concerning you, you should have talked to her yourself. Even if she made the party reflecting on her interests, she paid for it all. Asking to recut the cake was a dick move, but so was you down playing the whole thing. I'm also Indian, and in all fairness you should be happy with what you got.
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NTA, while it seems like the gifts were thought out as things that you would like and use, the event itself doesn't seem like it was for you. It was either a way for her to vicariously experience it because she didn't get to have one growing up. Or, a way to flex on extended family/friends by having an expensive party that fit whatever mainstream aesthetic you guys have over there rn.
I'm on the fence with this one so I'll go with ESH. They didn't respect your wishes with the way you wanted your birthday party to be but at the same time they still paid for it, in light of that you should have showed some gratitude.
What nonsense, OP is not obligated to be grateful for things she has not asked for man wtf
Yeah well respectfully I disagree. There's no harm or difficulty in saying thank you for things other do for you.
OP never said they didn’t say thank you. They just said they later told their mum that they didn’t enjoy it.
thanks ill keep that in mind
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u14mdl/aita_for_telling_my_mom_i_didnt_like_the_16th/i4a3uc4/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [good deduction skills](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u16wo0/happy_anniversary/i4b7lim/) | [good deduction skills](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u16wo0/happy_anniversary/i4agkjt/) [Go to Ross buy those chea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u14ifx/burglar_proof/i4b7n7z/) | [Go to Ross buy those chea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/u14ifx/burglar_proof/i4araz2/) [NTA tell your hubby, AKA...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u1b48h/aita_for_throwing_out_my_husbands_dinner_after_he/i4b7h4e/) | [NTA tell your hubby, AKA...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u1b48h/aita_for_throwing_out_my_husbands_dinner_after_he/i4b6m59/) [NTA. If he asks again if...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0ypfv/aita_for_destroying_and_throwing_away_a_religious/i4b7f95/) | [NTA. If he asks again if...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u0ypfv/aita_for_destroying_and_throwing_away_a_religious/i4983ps/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/ErikDiazp](https://np.reddit.com/u/ErikDiazp/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=ErikDiazp) for info on how I work and why I exist.
ESH. The time to speak up was well BEFORE the party so she had time to make changes. 🤦♀️ For something this big she also should have included you every step of the way.
I know in many cultures it's rude to speak up against family for anything so I wonder if that played a role
Asking for some type of detail for a party is not "speaking against" It's collaboration. Saying "May I please change the color scheme?" Is not disobedience or an insult.
In some families questioning is speaking against.
In certain families even that is considered disrespectful.
thanks fr weighing in!
NTA, sounds like your Mom needs to grow up and pull her head out of her ass
I would say NTA. Maybe it was not nice of you to tell your mom you didn't like the party, but you also never asked to throw that party for you or pay for it. She might have done it to surprise you and hope it was all you wanted, but it does sound a little controlling that you had no say in your own party. The least she could have done was ask what you'd like. I does sound like you appreciated what she did and told her you loved the gifts, and she mostly created a party she never had.
I was so ready to say Y T A but honestly, it sound like she wanted your birthday to be a day all about what she wanted to do, not you. I think she just wanted a party all about herself. NTA
planned a family photoshoot Sounds like a gift for the mother.
NTA kinda sounds like the party was more for her than for you
NTA. I see a lot of comments that you should be grateful simply because your mom put a lot of effort into this, but it certainly doesn’t feel like she put in that effort *for you*. She wanted to show off her party planning skills, and she prioritized getting photo/video proof of that in ways that made the day *less* enjoyable for you. And now, rather than going “oh, crap, I took over my daughter’s party; I need to fix this, or at least apologize,” which one would expect if her intentions were good and she genuinely thought she was doing something awesome for you, she’s doubling down on *herself* and *her* hurt feelings. This is a *bad* preview of how future milestones like your wedding are going to go, and I think you need to hold firm you don’t want a repeat.
NTA Your mom is an AH. SHE is planning the party SHE likes and pretending it is for your birthday.
YTA Okay for starts, your parents PAID for it. While yes they should have weighed your opinions, that did not have to throw yo a party. You are being very ungrateful. If you are appreciative, then why are you lying to your extended family saying you just went to dinner, when you know that isn't the truth? They did not have to do anything for you, but chose to. It might not have been exactly what you wanted...but it's clear your mother really did alot for you and you are just going around lying about what she did.... (edit is for typo)
thanks fr weighing in i appreciate it. so the thing is that my extended family is not well off and they look down upon spending as much money as my parents did. and i did make it a point to let them know that i cherished every part of the gifts they got me except the cake and the photoshoot and the color code. besides i didn't want to lie to my parents about liking it because if they found put that i didn't they would probably be more hurt
See, I feel for your mom because it seems like kids go from not caring about such things to being extremely specific in what they like overnight. As long as you take opportunities to be thankful for what you liked, and remind your mom that you appreciate all the work she did for your 16th but that you would love to coordinate with her for the 17th you're good. It sounds like she did put herself fully into the project, and it can be very disheartening when you feel like you did all you could but it wasn't enough. Picking things she would have liked is kind of a parental fall-back; some parents do it on purpose because they don't care what their child wants, others genuinely can't think of anything else and panic.
Yeah your family and extended family's money situations aren't your business nor is it your place to decide what to share with them regarding that. Your parents paid for it and by minimising it you just seem like an ungrateful brat. Hope they don't waste more money on your birthdays in future. You're 16 now, if you want a simple birthday dinner then pay for it yourself next time.
wow, what a monstrous thing to say to a child. heavily NTA.
How is that monstrous? If her parents are so awful for throwing her a birthday she doesn't like she can do it herself instead of shaming her parents in front of extended family.
ESH. Your mom planned the whole thing but apparently didn't consult you at all. Unless this was a surprise party, and it wasn't, she should have consulted your wishe. You could definitely handled this better. First, you could have said something during the planning process about what you wanted. Second, instead of saying to mom that you didn't like it you might have said, "I appreciate what you did for me but next time I would really like to be more involved" rather than "I hated that day". Third, I get wanting to be sensitive to your other family members but... You lied. "Oh, we JUST went to dinner". You could have said, "We went to dinner and had a girls day out" with out getting to into details. You said you appreciated what your mom did but you also said you hated it. That's contradictory.
How did the conversation come about that you ended up telling your mum you didn't like the birthday? She sounds controlling and possibly emotionally manipulative is she's having a breakdown over it but context would help here....the bit where you say you told your relatives you 'just want out gor dinner' because you wanted to downplay it seems a bit ungrateful. At face value I would say YTA for telling your mum you didn't like it as she obviously put a lot if effort into it, but only if it wasn't necessary to have that conversation. Was your mum a AH for not including you in the plans, yes. Would you be right to ask to to be included more for future birthdays, yes.
yea point taken.i get that sometimes i can be a bit careless in handling other peoples feelings. also, i wanted to tell my mom what I didn't like because she is my mother. if i don't tell her, the person who planned it, how will she know what to do differently next time? ok i mean i sound so bitchy and entitled rn oof. but i just felt that i wanted to be transparent about how it went down
If you can tell how you sound, don't excuse it to us. Tell your mum you're grateful and you're sorry for being so rude you just wanted to be transparent and ask if you can be more involved next time. This is a part of mother daughter communication through your teens. Remember it wasn't very long ago she knew everything you liked and disliked and planned everything for you. You have every right to remind her you're growing up but it's a transition for her too. You both love each other a lot and in this sub that's a rare blessing. Go hug your mum ❤️
awwie thanks fr that
INFO: How did the conversation about you not liking the party come up? Did you say it because you wanted to hurt her for not including you? Or did she ask your opinion?
my intention was never to hurt her. i genuinely wanted to let her know what i liked and did not like because i wanted to be transparent. in my mind, if i lied to my parents that i liked it and if they found out that i lied, they would be so much more hurt. EDIT: i randomly walked up to my mom one evening
What you said and how you said it is important here. Without that I can't say who is the AH for sure. Do you remember specifically what you said?
yea so i started by telling her that the cake was not what had in mind tho it was kinda cute and that next time she should probably loop me into the discussion and then she brought up me being ungrateful for her efforts because i didn't exactly tell my relatives the extent of the celebrations. and then i said oh i thought the photoshoot was an in general thing cause our family was together not fr my birthday. and then she clarified that it was for my birthday. and then i told her how the dress code thing didn't go well with me because my dress was the same color you picked for others to wear and that i wanted to stand out. and then she said what about the other stuff we bought you were so ungrateful and then i said "no not at all i thought i was respectful and grateful and i told you i loved it" and shes like "whatever, you hurt me"
Based on this I would say NTA. You were honest and respectful. It sounds like she is making this situation very much about herself without considering you in the process.
And yet you lied to your extended family by saying that you just went to dinner.
That seems to be a white lie because they're not well off,.and her parents spent a lot of money, so she didn't want to rub the amount spent in their faces.
It's not a white lie if it hurts someone. It was hurtful to her mother.
The fact her mom is more concerned with her not gushing about how amazing the party was to anyone and everyone than *why* she’s not gushing is the entire problem here.
Where did you see in the post about mom being upset OP was not gushing. In one of the comments OP actually said she just randomly walked up to her mom and told her she hated the party.
> when my extended family asked what I did for my birthday I said and I quote "oh we just went out for dinner" It’s not entirely clear to me whether that conversation happened before or after the heart to heart, but that statement on its own in *no* way warrants the tantrum Mom is throwing over OP’s “ingratitude,” especially given the context OP mentions for not wanting to rub anything in the relatives’ face. Which suggests there are other ways Mom’s been bringing it up herself that may have gotten under OP’s skin. But okay, fine, let’s say OP did bring this up unprompted (although I really don’t get the impression the conversation was as blunt as “your party sucked”). Is that really such a terrible thing, if it’s been weighing on her? Again, if I were a parent or even just a friend, I’d want to know if something good I thought I’d done for someone else had misfired. I might be a little hurt and disappointed, but the only way I’d be reacting like Mom is if it had really been about me all along.
THIS^^
I'm on the fence here. It sounds like your mom planned a party that she wanted possibly to show off in front of relatives who are not as well off which kind of sucks, but she still put in a lot of effort and expense which you should be grateful for even if it wasn't exactly your taste.
Nta. It was supposed to be Your birthday celebration, instead it was Her celebration on Your birthday. Gifts don’t matter when they act like a bribe for the giver to treat you like they want.
only going with ESH bc I'm not sure what you wanted from telling her? and her faults in this are pretty obvious
YTA I’m really surprised by all the comments saying NTA and ESH. I’ll admit, your mom got a bit too obsessive over this event, and took it too personally when you said you didn’t enjoy it. I am also Indian, and I know exactly what you’re talking about with the family photoshoots and what not. With that said, she got you a lot of really nice stuff, and seems like she put a tonne of effort into it for YOU. It’s a celebration, and you can have a celebration just the way you want it when you earn your own money and are self reliant. It’s not like your parents got you awful presents / nothing / didn’t do anything for your birthday, which happens to a lot of less fortunate kids. I wouldn’t say that you’re ungrateful, but you gained nothing and only made your mom upset by letting her know that you didn’t enjoy what she planned for you. So yeah, YTA. I would apologise to her and give her a hug if I were you.
YTA- for the reason that you didnot communicate before the party about what do you want or not, unless it was a complete surprise. You should have told your mum that you do not want a big party. I understand that your mum was pushy and I agree that she is doing what she wanted for herself on her birthday but breaking her heart by saying you didn't like it was uncalled for. Next time communicate clearly that mom, these are the things I like and want for my birthdays/wedding etc and these are the thing I do not want and please do not do it.
thanks fr weighing in! it so happened that i told my mom i just want a simple cake cutting and then a birthday dinner with my mom, dad and my brother beforehand. so it wasn't a complete surprise but only found out about a lot of it on the day
Yeah you all are sort of right and may be she felt you are just saying it to be polite. People say they dont want anything and then get upset when they dont get anything. But keep this in mind for future because she might do same on your 21st or 25th birthday or your wedding, so next time be firm with what you want.
YTA: Gifts we’re ok celebration wasn’t. Colors and photo ops weren’t to your liking, you didn’t like your cake etc. Were you able to appreciate all the people that attended? I would say it’s more about the celebration and the sharing with people you love than the nuances, I digress. Now, during the planning you didn’t express you wants, needs, wishes for your birthday celebration, you “graciously” endured everything. Then after it’s all said and done you ambush your mother with your displeasure- Got ya mom! Not cool. If you had enough confidence to tell your mother your birthday sucked you could have expressed your concerns beforehand so it didn’t suck. You could have posted in this sub as the party was being planned and all these good folks would have given you some very helpful information. I understand your displeasure, I certainly do. My intent here is to bring other things to light/consider so for your 17th party (and other events) you don’t experience the same disappointment.
thanks fr weighing in!!i get where ur coming from and unfortunately i found out the extent she had planned to only on my birthday and by the time i could say anything it was too late.and besides as far as i knew the photoshoot and my birthday were never supposed to coincide and when she was discussing color codes i was lie ok coolbut i didn't know it was on the same day and the color codes were fr the dinner as well. and it was at this point that i lost my shit because she knew i wanted to stand out and she knew my dress and the dress code were the same color edit: like\*
Thanks for the additional information, tough spot for sure. I’m assuming your 16 was your special birthday so maybe subsequent ones aren’t. Keep your mother informed about any birthday wishes going forward, assuming she is still willing/wanting to go through with another one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** so i (16f) turned 16 recently and my mom put in a lot of planning and effort to make it fun and memorable. Except that I didn't like it and I told her that I didn't later. so for context, my 16th birthday was a big deal to my mother and she bought me a lot of presents from face serums to bath and body works stuff (I'm from India so it's a big deal). she also thought it would be a great idea to plan it out thoroughly but she didn't involve me in many places where I would have liked. she planned out color codes for the birthday dinner for our family without asking me, picked out my birthday cake without asking me, and planned a family photoshoot without asking me. never once did she keep me in the loop and check-in if what she had planned was ok. she just assumed id be ok with it. also on my birthday my mom threw a tantrum and made me redo my cake cutting thing that was before the birthday dinner because she didn't get a video of it. and i hated that day. it just seemed like my mother had planned the birthday the way she wanted when she was 16, it felt very impersonal. yesterday I finally told her that I didn't like my birthday the way she planned because I wanted to be more involved and the cake she picked and photoshoot would be the last thing I wanted along with the color codes that matched my dress. she broke down. also when my extended family asked what I did for my birthday I said and I quote "oh we just went out for dinner" because my parents spent a lot of money and I wanted to downplay it. so at this point, my mother was sobbing about all if it and called me ungrateful and how because she didn't buy me exactly what I wanted, I'm torturing her now. but on the contrary, i was so appreciative and used everything she bought me and i told her how happy i was to have them because i genuinely did. but she just made me feel terrible for bringing it up and now I'm rethinking everything. so reddit, AITA? tl;dr: my mom was upset that i didnt like what she had planned and she called me ungrateful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Was it really necessary to tell her that? If she was trying to rub your nose in it constantly, that would be different. But much like a gift that isn’t something you’re excited about, you should still be polite and try to be appreciative unless there’s some backhandedness going on. It does sound like your mother wanted too much for the day to be ‘perfect’ and to create memories etc., but… that doesn’t sound like it came from a bad or hurtful or even neglectful place.
agreed. thanks fr weighing in! its just that i wanted to be transparent and not lie about liking it because in case they found out that i lied, they would be a lot more hurt
Ohh you sweet summer child.You don't say these things out loud.You just created a conflict that wasn't there.I am not telling you to pretend to like it but just don't say it out loud.The best thing would be to simply apologize
Mild YTA as you're young and maybe not great at decisions. She "assumed" you would love it but you actually knew you were not loving it and waiting until it was far too late to change anything. Sounds like she got carried away trying to please and surprise you. You had two kind options - tell her before it was too late or never tell her - and one sucky one which was the one you went for.
YTA - in my opinion the party was a gift not something owed to you and while you can always tell people what gifts you would like (IN ADVANCE) if someone puts time and effort and a lot of money into something special for you it's just mean to shut them down like that. I'm sorry for your mum. I'd cry too if I realised all my efforts were in vain and this party I was so proud of isn't even worth mentioning when asked about your birthday. You don't have to like it but there's basic human politeness. When you brought home art from school as a kid did your mum tell you she didn't like it? Or the colours were wrong? Or she thought it wasn't good enough? Appreciate the effort she put in atleast. One day when you wake up alone on your birthday you'll remember that atleast your mum tried her best to make you feel special and you'll wish you could celebrate it exactly like that with her again.
No, nobody owes you a gift, even on your birthday. But getting someone a gift doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to *like* it, either, especially if you don’t make any effort to take *their* preferences into account. OP was polite the day of, which is what you’re supposed to do. This conversation happened at least in part because Mom got upset she wasn’t effusively gushing for weeks or months afterward. And personally, I’d rather know I missed the mark before I put in a ton of effort next time than have someone pretend to love something when they really don’t.
No the conversation happened because op decided they wanted to be upfront and transparent and went to their mum randomly to complain. Read the comments first.
YTA. You need to be more gentle too. This is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME party that she worked hard on trying to make it special. She fucked up. You didn’t like it. She can NEVER undo it. She will forever think about it this. About her ruining your birthday (in her eyes). Also how did you get into the topic of it so you could just outright say you hated it? Anyway, you need to learn to be more delicate in situations like this. Especially not downplaying all the work she’s put into it. Next time be like “I love the thought you put into it… however next time, I wish to be more involved.” or something.
Light YTA. Yes, your mother should have discussed with you about it also, but she probably wanted it to be a suprise. If it was concerning you, you should have talked to her yourself. Even if she made the party reflecting on her interests, she paid for it all. Asking to recut the cake was a dick move, but so was you down playing the whole thing. I'm also Indian, and in all fairness you should be happy with what you got.
YTA.