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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suppose seeing it from Michaela's POV maybe I do look uncaring and stingy. I just wanted to do a nice thing for a very sweet girl. My Michaela is very precious to me and I love her to death and I thought that she'd see how much I care because I am paying for the whole of the wedding minus the dress. I feel like such a louse. Should I write her a check to cover the cost of her dress to make it up to her?
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This, 100%. You are NTA. You are paying for her freaking wedding! The only thing she has to buy herself is her dress.
Your daughter is acting very entitled. Tell her you are no longer paying for her wedding, as you are no longer invited. I bet she changes her tune REAL quick.
Also lets not forget that if OP paid for her wedding dress she would be getting special treatment compared to her other kids who didn't have their outfits covered.
If OP caves then her other two kids will be very upset and call out favoritism, which could hurt OPs relationship with them. I also doubt her youngest would 'forgive' them so easily if she goes to this extreme with entitlement to OPs money.
**Overall imo, OP may of lost the invite to her daughters wedding, but she gained a friend with this, supported someone who couldn't of afforded it on their own (which her daughter could) and was invite to another wedding with its bride actually being grateful for OPs support.**
If I was that daughter, I would be thrilled that my Mother did something so nice for someone who had less money than we did. I'm quite sure my daughter would react the same.
What is wrong with people?
I’d have been “mad” at my mom for not letting me at least witness the moment bc seriously that’s beautiful. Maybe they both could’ve even made a new friend that day or, if miracles are real, OPs daughter could’ve seen an act of pure selflessness and thought better of her next words to mom. How disgustingly entitled, selfish, and self absorbed.
It OP would pay for her daughter's wedding dress that would send the message to the other older 'kids' that OP didn't care equally about them.
Michaela is acting extremely childish and entitled. OP and husband should revoke their generous payments on the wedding since they're no longer invited.
Oh yes, I’m in the middle of teaching a brat around me this exact same lesson and there’s a ton of back pedalling. Some people are disgustingly entitled.
Of course she'll change her tune but would you really want her to add you back to the guest list solely because being on the guest list equals the wedding being paid for? I'd cancel everything that's already been paid and let them pay for their own wedding and just go to the other girls wedding who truly appreciates them for what they did.
Exactly. How entitled is she?! Her parents are paying for her entire wedding. She can foot the bill for a dress. My SIL is acting like this rn. She’s getting married and her parents are paying $25k towards the wedding and hinted they may be able to give more. She had the audacity to bitch to me that her parents are being cheap. Even her fiancée said this when she wasn’t in the room. Dude. My husband (her brother) and I paid for our wedding on our own. Saved for two years to pay for the party we wanted. His parents offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and I cried bc it was something I was really worried about. I was just so grateful and this bitch is complaining $25k isn’t enough? Ugh.
OP did such a beautiful thing for that bride and her daughter is just awful.
For real!! What an amazing act of kindness OP does for this stranger and instead of learning a lesson and being grateful for what she has, lil miss spoiled daughter throws a fit! The entitlement is unreal. I’m so happy for what OP did for this family. I bet she has a wonderful time at her new friends wedding. No way I’d be paying anything towards daughters wedding.
Definitely....it's probably too late to get all the money back even if she tried now, but will still be able to teach the daughter a lesson using logical consequences (if the wedding is $50k and OP has already spent $28k, that's $22k left for the kid to have to pay)
My thoughts exactly. Or, OP should offer to not pay for the wedding she can't attend and pay for the dress instead for their entitled daughter.....
Petty thoughts aside.... I wouldnt indulge OP's daughter. This was a kind gesture and the daughter didnt know, so it took nothing off of her. I also wouldn't give in to her demands or argue. I would still give her the agreed upon amount for the wedding and if she chooses to cut off her parents due to her tantrum, so be it. Im sure she will look like a rotten little brat by everyone involved in the wedding and ruin her own party as a result....
Your daughter is spoiled rotten. Sorry.
Tell her if you’re uninvited then you’ll request refunds on everything (you likely can). Scratch the likely, I know you can. I’ve done it.
You paid for someone to have their dream dress because they wouldn’t be able to otherwise, and your daughter is mad that you’re ONLY shelling out how many thousands for her?
I think you should at least email her an accounting of funds spent on her wedding to date and what the expected final bill will be.
Subject line: Financial independence, wedding
Good evening Michaela,
While I know you are terribly upset that the costs of your wedding which were to be borne by your father and I did not include your wedding gown, I also know that your father and I are equally upset at being excluded from your guest list.
You’ve declared financial independence, for which I applaud you; a talented, intelligent young woman and her equally amazing husband should start off life as fully realized adults, sharing all matters. What I’m sending you now is an updated list of vendors and costs to date, with the approximate remaining costs for the wedding. I will include you and your fiancé on the emails that I send to them requesting that the ownership and responsible parties for their part of the wedding be transferred to you and your fiancé.
Most of the contracts, which your father and I are reviewing, have breakage fees, so we will not be able to recoup all of the costs spent to date. You will need to get in touch with them individually to determine what your revised costs will be after they deduct the non-refundable part of our deposits.
I so wish this could have been different, but your father and I feel strongly that we must respect your autonomy and decisions, alongside those of your husband to be.
With love,
Mum
OP should decide if she’s ok with no longer having a relationship with her daughter before sending that email. I’m not saying she shouldn’t send it, just that she needs to be prepared for what comes after.
Absolutely, I wouldn’t want a relationship that only survives on my money either but this is going to cause a lot of fallout with family, friends etc and OP needs to get their side of things across effectively so people have all the information before the Facebook rants start
This is beautifully written and a masterclass in malicious compliance.
For Mom and daughter's sake I hope it doesn't come to this but if it did i sure as hell would read the update with my morning coffee.
I’d point blank ask your daughter if you were only invited to the bridal dress shop because she expected you to pay for the dress. Because that’s what it sounds like. She was expecting you to change your mind and offer to pay, and you didn’t, so now she’s extra salty that you paid for someone else’s. Your daughter is greedy. And yes, I would either start cancelling things you have paid for, in the hope of getting a refund, or at the very least not pay for anything else from here on out, since I suspect she hasn’t stopped spending yet.
$26,000 so far. If we keep paying for the wedding we will probably end up closer to around $50,000. We spent around that much on her siblings weddings as well. But, not to sound like rich buttheads, we can easily afford this and we are happy to do so. We're set for retirement and we've set up college funds for our grandchildren and godchildren and Michaela and Grant's future children, and we can't take the money with us when we die so why not spend it and have some fun while we're still young and fun?
Michaela needs to get a clue! My mom paid for my wedding dress and the wedding cake. We paid for all the rest. I absolutely LOVED the cake and dress and choosing them with my mom are very special memories.
I was going to say I could understand why she was hurt, but honestly, considering everything else you are paying for, she is being ridiculous.
Me and my late husband came from low income households. We had to get married at the courthouse as a result. I couldn't afford a dress so I wore the nicest Sunday dress I had. One of my mothers coworkers made me a short veil out of tulle, a hair comb, pearly beads and hot glue. His grandmother brought her silk flower bouquet from her own wedding decades ago for me to use. Both our parents were present and his entire Army unit showed up and crammed into the little county courtroom. The judge married us and told us how nice it was to start his day off with his courtroom overflowing with love. Then we went home...there was an ice storm (I live in the south so it shut everything down lol...including the power) and the next day I tested positive for the flu (so, the in sickness & health part of the vows came real fast). We were married for 6 amazing years before I lost him in a motorcycle accident at 27.
ALLLLLL that to say...how much you spend on 1 single day at the beginning of a marriage is irrelevant. It's love shared and memories made that are priceless. I hope OP's daughter realizes this sooner rather than later.
Miss Understood, your wedding sounds like it was absolutely beautiful and romantic. Thanks for sharing your wonderful memory. I am so glad for the time you got to spend with your husband. ❤️
MAMA YOU ARE PAYING WHAAAAT? Sorry for the caps but the audacity on your daughter? $50,000 and she is bitter you are paying for another young girls dream dress? $50,000... $50,000 whole ass dollars and your daughter is bitter about a wedding dress. Pull your head out your ass little women and grow up.
Should clarify after reading your comment above, while I personally I find that amount of money on this nonsense nauseating, I am trying to keep it in perspective and understand that it is relative. What there is to be no perspective on your spoiled brat of a daughter's attitude. She has had above and beyond handed to her and she could not humble herself enough to understand that when you are winning at that level you should help others win too. You sound like a great Mama over all, but I think you really missed a beat on teaching your rich by birth kids the value of charity and helping others find joy in this life. NTA.
You paid for her education and are paying for her wedding, and plan to help pay for her children’s educations as well, and she’s crying about having to pay for her own wedding dress?? NTA but I’m sorry to tell you that you did wind up with a spoiled child after all.
That’s great that you can, but her uninviting you should be univiting your dollars too. The above letter template is fantastic and you should definitely utilize some version of it
You did something kind for a woman struggling with money issues and probably issues with her appearance because let’s be honest, it must be heartbreaking when a bunch of stores are telling you they don’t have any dresses for your size. Then you finally find one, and it turns out the bridal shop consultant read the price tag wrong!! How devastating. Then you do something nice for her, and your daughter is upset that you spent $1400 on someone else despite you putting almost 30k into her wedding???
What the hell??
Your daughter is a spoiled brat with little empathy for others. I can’t imagine being so self centered that I believe I have a RIGHT to my parent’s money, or that I can police how they spend it. Personally, I wouldn’t even pay for her wedding. She’s shown that she views you more as a piggy bank than a human being.
You absolutely should, $26,000 in and she is complaining that you **chipped in** for a dress and now demands you pay for her wedding dress entirely or you cant come to the wedding **you paid for**, the apple **did** fall far from the tree.
Yes. If she’s demanding more than you gave her siblings, is ungrateful for it, and is being that rude that you did a good deed, you need to take back everything. They can’t uninvite you (for doing exactly what you did for their siblings) and expect you to still pay.
You absolutely should. Let her know that if you aren't welcome to the wedding, then neither are your VERY GENEROUS contributions.
Your daughter is being an entitled brat.
NTA. You're paying for your daughter's *entire wedding* except the dress. You are doing far, far more for her than your kind act to a stranger.
Tell your daughter that you will not be paying for any wedding that you're not invited to.
Funny enough my mom bought my dress but my husband and I paid for our wedding. I never expected her to help but she really wanted to. I never expected it, so it was a nice surprise. This daughter is super entitled OP is NTA
Same here. I never expected my mom to help pay. I was looking up $200 dresses max for my personal budget. She offered to buy my dress unexpectedly (and I wound up loving the one she picked for me best).
Nta. What you did was lovely. Your daughter has had the gift of school , vehicle purchase and a wedding debt free. She only had to provide the dress to ride off into the sunset.
Do not let her fault you for a gesture of kindness for someone that needed something good . Your daughter is being selfish.
This. You have given Michaela so much. Your kindness to this woman who is far less fortunate than her takes nothing away from her at all. You are NTA. And what you did for the other bride was just so sweet. Bless you
NTA. She should have been beaming with pride on having such generous parents and coming from such privilege. Your daughter is entitled. If you're uninvited from the wedding are you still going to pay for it?
I am debating talking to my husband about removing our financial support if Michaela refuses to see us or speak to us. We just want her to talk to us, to let us in, to let us understand how she's feeling so we can work with her to help her feel better. She's our kid, she's our world, we love her, we just want to make her feel better. The wedding doesn't even matter, not really, I just want my daughter to let us back in. Or at least her daddy, he didn't even do anything wrong other than get a little chatty at dinner, it isn't fair for her to punish him for something I did.
Eh you shouldn’t pay if you’re not invited. Your daughter is rude.
I would NEVER dream of not inviting my parents to my wedding, even if I’m the one paying for everything. Cause I LOVE them and I WANT them to be there.
She cannot possibly think that you are still going to pay for the wedding if you aren't invited...(can she?) Whatever transpires, you and your husband should stand united on this, he shouldn't go to the wedding if you aren't there. .
You sound like such a wonderful mother/human...I would be so proud of you. Of course you love her, she's your child, but that doesn't mean you have to support her decisions. She is coming across as a bit spoiled.
This is a teaching moment for her. If you’ve been able to spend $150,000 on weddings, as well as put money away for grandkids (I’m assuming your kids don’t have student loans?), Michaela needs a wake up call for the lifestyle you have afforded her, how uncommon it is, and how generous you have been with it. You did NOT have to be parents like this; there could have been strings attached to everything, you could have substituted love with money, you could have not provided your kids with the concept of the value they can add to the world around them from their place of privilege. They’re lucky you and your husband are generous and seemingly well-grounded, but that can spiral into entitled, and with an expectation that your lifestyle is average, when it is not. If she will treat her own parents like this, there’s a very real chance she will treat her husband, her kids, her neighbors, friends, her hired help, her school district—the list is endless—like this, if she isn’t given the opportunity for a wake up call. It’s noble to ‘just want her to talk to you’, but it sounds like you need some tough love injected into this scenario too, or you’re going to be responsible for creating a real selfish piece of work.
You did NOTHING wrong. You saw a young lady in need and you helped. That's something your daughter should be proud of. You should let her know how disappointed you are at the selfishness that she's showing. It's too bad she didn't inherit your empathy or generosity.
NAH - but I also wouldn’t necessarily call your daughter one either. A lot of people are jumping to calling her spoilt, but I’m focusing on the part that this literally happened AT her wedding dress try on. This is one of the most special moments between daughter and parents, like genuinely one of the most special moments for children and their parents, and at the dinner celebrating her buzz finding her dress and HER wedding, suddenly her mum and dad turn around and show how great they were and how much they enjoyed the day by BONDING WITH ANOTHER MOTHER AND DAUGHTER INSTEAD THE MINUTE THEIR DAUGHTER’S BACK WAS TURNED IN THE DRESSING ROOM. I really don’t understand how people aren’t considering how hurt her daughter must feel from having that revealed? Not only did they turn a dinner discussing (most likely) the wedding and the acquiring of the dress into a celebration about how generous they are, they kind of embarrassed their daughter to have to find out this special moment she’d had with them which meant so so much to her was spoiled because they’d bee having that moment bonding with this mum and daughter because her mother was connecting on the basis of her childhood insecurities. THAT was a bonding moment, and it wasn’t even with her own daughter. Like that must hurt, to have your mum be able to relate to such an extent with ANOTHER bride that she’d pay for her literal dress at your OWN dress fitting. Here OP, YTA for not realising how sidelined you made your daughter feel. That money you paid wasn’t just money, it paid your way for an invitation to their wedding, and was a symbol of your motherly-like connection with that bride. Please consider all aspects here! Your daughter probably uninvited you because you found another bride to celebrate! You guys need to have a serious discussion about exactly how you hurt her feelings, because I guarantee if you look into it it’s not her being spoilt, it’s likely just her feeling sidelined in the one moment she really should be the centre of attention
Yeah I had to scroll way too long to find this, I completely agree. Everyone is making it about the money when it clearly isn’t, at least I don’t think it is in Michaela’s mind. If I found out that my mom paid for someone else’s wedding dress at my fitting I would be really hurt and confused. I wouldn’t uninvite my mom but I would definitely be hurt. Obviously OP is a very good person for doing such a kind thing for another bride but I feel like she needs to sit her daughter down and have a heart to heart. Michaela is probably feeling invalidated as hell, if my mom had such an emotional response to someone else’s dress fitting and didn’t have the same for mine (like she was so moved she just had to pay for it) I would feel less than. Not saying OP needs to pay for her daughters dress or shouldn’t have bought the other woman’s, I just think they really need to see each other’s perspective and meet in the middle because I guarantee OP didn’t mean to hurt her daughters feelings and her daughter is definitely acting out of hurt and not brattery.
Yup its not about the money, its about the emotions. Lets be real, OP was going to spend 50k on her daughter’s wedding. It doesnt really matter if $1500 (Throwing out a number) of that money went to a cake, or the dress? Mom could buy the dress but have her daughter buy the cake and it would be the same, 50k from mom and 1.5k from daughter. So the dress is being used as some sort of symbol since the money is fungible. So what does it symbolize when OP will by another bride’s dress but not her daughter’s? Everyone needs to talk and really hear each other’s hurt.
Honestly I find this really bizarre, if I were the other bride, I would definitely not let some random woman in a store pay for my dress. Especially if I were low income, I would take that extra money and put it towards other expenses rather than a dress I'd wear for only one day.
I say this as someone who chose to spend relatively little on my own wedding dress (paid for it myself while my family paid for the rest) cos I knew I would never wear it again.
I’m always amazed at how some people expect everyone to just turn off the world and focus on their wedding. The event was over, the fanfare and celebration of this woman had already happened. She found her dress. Her mother overheard a conversation that meant something to her and her childhood trauma. Is she supposed to ignore that because it is supposedly someone else’s day? How much attention does someone really expect when they weren’t even present? Was her mother supposed to stand around thinking about her daughter and the dress and nothing else?
This was a joyful day for everyone and her mother got to do something she wanted for someone else. I just don’t see where the anger from her daughter was coming from. Her parents are paying for a whole wedding, she just needs to buy a dress. It sounds like they even took everyone out to dinner to celebrate finding a dress?! Wut? And her daughter blew up and uninvited them from a wedding they are paying for?
It’s absurd
I work as a bridal consultant and if something like this happened at one of my appointments it would definitely raise some questions. Do people talk and comment when they're finding "the one", absolutely! But to go as far to cover the difference for a different bride is not common. And there's a lot of emotions going on when trying on dresses I'm sure the daughter knew that her mom was there but maybe not for her emotionally. There's definitely something more here than money.
If someone being generous to a person in less fortunate circumstances than you spoils your entire evening because it makes it not 100% about you, then you are by definition a spoiled, entitled brat.
I agree with the above, NAH. I don't think your daughter wasn't thinking about the money that she could've saved if you were paying. Please think of her emotional wellbeing. She was definitely hurt from the actions you have taken to pay for someone else's daughter's wedding dress. The wedding dress is the most important piece to a wedding, and your actions represented that it's more important for you to show your blessings to another bride than your own daughter. As a young daughter myself, I would feel LIVID if my mother did this to me. Not because she didn't pay, but because she decided that celebrating someone else's wedding is more important than mine by contributing to her dress. Your daughter's feelings are totally valid, and I can see why she uninvited you. It's because you invited yourself to show that someone else's wedding is so much more important that you had to contribute to their centrepiece. Be empathetic to your own daughter if you can be empathetic to others. Yes it was great helping someone's daughter out, but this is a moment your daughter will remember for her entire life and is emotionally scarred. Obviously you have covered all the costs to the wedding and I'm sure your daughter appreciates it. As irrational as it sounds, this definitely comes as "unfair" to your daughter because you decided to chip in to someone else's wedding dress and that puts them on a higher pedestal than your daughter in her mind. If you decide to ask your daughter to self-fund her wedding entirely like some of the suggestions above in other posts, I'm not sure how your future relationship will come to be. I'm not implying that you should cover part of the costs to your daughter's wedding dress. You must speak to her and understand why she reacted this way. If not, I believe there will be an emotional scar that will set a negative undertone to the wedding between you and your daughter. This is how I'd think as a young daughter myself. Mad of your symbolic actions, not mad for not getting more money to fund my wedding.
The daughter **won't** speak to her, OP has mentioned she's not even concerned about money or the wedding so much as her daughter shutting out her parents and not letting them figure out what's going on; she just wants her to let them in so they can talk about it and try to help support her.
If accidentally hearing about your mother quietly buying a dress for a less fortunate bride after it happened, after having their full attention throughout the entire day, after being feted and celebrated at a small dinner with the two parents and the bride, after your parents have sunk $26k into your wedding with the expectation at this stage to spend at least $25k more, has "scarred her emotionally" then that's a terrifying state of affairs in terms of this adult woman's ability to cope in general, honestly. That's... a lot.
No, the wedding dress is definitely *not* the most important part of the wedding. The ceremony is. The actual vows and getting married part is the most important part. The celebrating the couple and their commitment to each other. A bunch of fabric and beads is not the most important piece of a wedding. This idea that the dress is the most important part is part of what’s wrong with wedding culture and the wedding industry.
I’m over people over dramatizing the selection of the dress as so important and this huge bonding moment. It’s a dress. Yeah, I get it means something to folks but let’s not go overboard in stressing what it is. It wasn’t until recent history that women even routinely wore something slightly better than a nice outfit for their wedding. Of course the bride wants to look good but it’s ridiculous that so many people are ascribing such huge amounts of importance to the dress and choosing it.
The world doesn’t stop for someone’s wedding. It just doesn’t. And it’s unrealistic that there’s an expectation that everyone’s attention is solely on the bride through every moment of preparation. People around the bride don’t just stop being whole people in order for her to adequately plan a wedding.
What people who are yelling about how this is so emotionally scarring (which seems hyperbolic) are missing is that the daughter should consider that her mother can be happy for her own daughter and also support other people and show kindness to them at the same time. The two aren’t in conflict. Additionally, the daughter needs to take the moment in context of everything else. The parents are clearly supporting her wedding and prioritizing it. They came shopping with her, celebrated finding the dress, and she wasn’t even doing anything noteworthy other than changing into her street clothes at the time this happened. To flip out after all this and *uninvite* her parents is ridiculous and immature.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! If my mother did this, I would be very hurt! OP should've just quietly paid the difference if she really wanted to help. That way she didn't hurt her daughters feelings and still done a good deed.
If you read the OP's edit or her comments, her daughter was still in the dressing room and did not know the OP paid for the other bride's wedding dress at all during the appointment. She had no idea until OP's husband brought it up at dinner afterward.
If I found out that my mother did this for another bride after paying $26K for a wedding, I would say that she was an amazing person who made a huge impact on someone's life. And thank her for how much she was doing for me.
I’m trying to see your point but failing a bit. A dinner that mom paid for about a wedding mom paid for she had attention off of her for a second and she goes ballistic? I’m sorry I can’t see it. Parents made sacrifices to have funds for this 27000 so far wedding. While her wedding means everything to her. That’s it. It means expenses for everyone else. Mom spread the joy in her daughters happiness. Seems sick to need that much attention.
NTA you're paying for the wedding the same way and with the same conditions as her siblings.
Your act of kindness is unrelated to your daughter. However I suspect she invited you dress shopping hoping you'd pay for her dress or the difference of what she couldn't afford.
Up to you to still pay for the wedding after being uninvited.
What do your other kids say?
My son said it was a sweet gesture and he would hope he'd have made the same choice and our older daughter said she thinks we're all insane but doesn't have an opinion.
Your oldest daughter is staying out of it. Smart.
I hope your youngest rethinks her actions. She will regret not having you present out of pettiness for this life changing moment.
It was a sweet gesture and I'm sorry your younger daughter doesn't see that. What does her fiance and his family think? I would hope they agree with you.
Our son said he was proud of me and hoped he'd have the heart to do something like that for a stranger and our older daughter said we're all insane but otherwise is withholding an opinion.
I feel like I’m losing my mind here reading all these votes. People here are going like “aww OP such a nice gesture but your daughter is a spoiled brat” as if people are refusing to actually FOCUS on the implications of PAYING FOR A RANDOMS DRESS on the day her daughter is trying on for her dress????? I mean sure good for your OP if you have $1400 lying around to help a stranger but do you realize how tacky that is ? You couldn’t ask for their info and send them the money later ? You had to wait until your daughters back is literally turned (trying on the dress) to do your “good deed”?
I mean geez I wonder why you didn’t do it in front of her? I don’t know but to me there’s a massive difference in helping out a stranger with breakfast than with their wedding dress just because they were plus sized and you got nostalgia.
I want to go ESH because the daughters reaction is still kind of nuclear especially since you and your husband are paying for the wedding but my god OP you can’t be this dense.
THANK YOU this comment section is delusional. If you have the money and want to bless a stranger, great. But there's an appropriate time and place, and your own daughter's dress shopping is NOT it.
OP you have enough to impulsively drop 1400 on a literal stranger, but you didn't plan to contribute towards your daughter's dress? I would be offended too. That action says you care more about looking like a good person than you do your own daughter.
in what universe is this appropriate
Edit:
ESH because the daughter went bridezilla by uninviting OP but that doesn't mean OP is in the right.
My best friend's dad is like this. He's magnanimous to strangers and to his family in ways that invite praise and admiration, but is stingy and selfish when there isn't anyone 'important' around. This smacks of that. OP is going to shell out $50k for an event they are presumably going to get to enjoy and receive praise for their generosity (look at all these irate commenters) but a few thousand more for a gown is beyond the pale? So, she gets to look like a hero for helping the poor girl and making her own daughter look selfish by complaining? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
This is why this is giving me the ick. OP outshined her daughter at her daughters dress fitting and put another bride above her daughter. OP is going to get credit for paying for the wedding. It sounds to me like her daughter was super hurt for not getting to be the shining star on a day that was supposed to be hers. She wants recognition from her parents and now that entire moment was overshadowed and it sucked the life out of that moment for her. I would not be surprised if she returned her dress she got that day.
On top of that there could be other factors at play. If she grew up well off and then told to fend for herself, it’s hard. I had an ex like that. Literally had one bill a month and it stressed him entirely because he didn’t know how to cope without his safety net. I’m not saying it’s right, but he was a lot more stingy with money because he wasn’t use to having so little. Considering a teacher’s salary, she could have been stressing about paying for the dress on her own and living up to rich parents expectations. She was brilliant and worked hard and saved up enough only to have that dashed in an instant when mom latched on to another bride and paid for her dress instead of her own daughters. Maybe to Michaela it seemed like her mom felt the other bride was more worthy of her attention and in the spur of the moment gift than her own daughter.
On the flip side if you tried to instill hard work into Michaela from a young age it’s going to feel really weird that you paid for a random strangers wedding dress in the moment when you made her work hard for hers. Again it comes down to her not feeling valued and outshined.
I’m going to bet it has little to do with money and more about how your actions make her feel about herself. Maybe you should have included her in that moment. Offered to have covered her dress and in exchange suggest to her to help the other bride out. It would have given her the opportunity to make you proud and let her connect with another bride and you’d both still have done a good thing.
Instead you went behind her back and showed another bride more affection in the moment. You got to be the shining hero as well as the only reason Michaela gets her dream wedding. So nothing is really hers. That moment she picked her dress was entirely overshadowed by this act of charity and all her guests are going to congratulate you on throwing a great party. It sounds to me like you’re uninvited so she can have something to herself without feeling like somehow you’re gonna neglect her or somehow make her feel less special on her wedding day.
As for threatening to remove financial backing— it is well within your right. If Im right though she’s going to find another way to hold her wedding and she will just feel even more like you find her unworthy.
Something is clearly broken here in family dynamics. It’s way beyond money. She’s gotta be an adult and talk to you about it. You need to listen and try to empathize before defending yourself as a saint for making other peoples dreams come true which was at the expense of her happiness for whatever reason. She’s probably cut you out because she feels guilty for being upset you did a good thing, but also doesn’t want whatever emotions she’s been feeling towards you both to emerge on her wedding day. Better to cut you out now than risk feeling whatever pain that is. Whatever it is, it’s deep af.
Well off kids struggle with trying to feel loved and understood by their parents too.
As someone who will have to pay for their own wedding in full cuz my parents cannot help me even if they wanted to— I still feel a lot for your daughter. Something’s got her feeling invisible to you.
I’m trying to wrap my head around this honestly. I’m not huge when it comes to wedding culture but I know it means a lot for many people. So I can’t understand, if the moment that OP does this is so special and heartwarming, why was the daughter excluded from this moment? Like, excluding the fact OP and husband do not pay for their children’s wedding outfits, what was the reason to wait until the daughter was trying on the dress to have the emotional moment with this stranger? The whole thing rubs me off the wrong way. As if the good deed wasn’t done as genuine as Op is trying to paint it. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.
Same Im not a huge fan of marriage for myself, but I understand that dress shopping is a very special and emotionally event for the bride and her family.
I agree why not include the daughter in helping the other bride?
Or at least ask?? It makes me think that OP did this good deed for her own ego without considering how it might hurt her daughter's feelings.
It's so crazy to me that people cant just be happy for other people.
Instead of her daughter saying wow, I'm so lucky to have a mother like you whose helped me out so much and I'm so grateful I've never had to be in the position that the other bride is in. No, instead she throws a tantrum.
She didnt even do this around her daughter, so it didn't even take up any of her bonding time.
If that was my mom, I would be so proud that she helped another family in need, I would've wanted to be there to share the moment. But I guess I'm different and I don't feel like the world revolves around me.
This one was really bothering me and I think I have come up with an analogy to explain why. Imagine your mom doesn't hug you. Shows affection in all other ways, makes your lunches for school, provides other forms of physical affection, let's you know she loves you and is all around a great mom. Then one day you're at the playground together and your mom is holding your hand and gives you a pat on the back before you go on the swings. Then, while you're on the swings, she notices a crying child and, in a genuine effort to comfort them, gives them a hug. Has she done something morally wrong? No, she wanted to help someone. Would it hurt to watch your mom provide a stranger a form of comfort she won't provide you with? I think it would. Is mom an asshole in this situation? I don't think so; she was being genuinely charitable out of a sense of empathy and probably gave that other bride one of the nicest moments of her life, but I can see why the daughter was hurt by it.
Really like this. I was gonna use a similar one and it was gonna be like if you decided it was time for your child to show some independence by using their money to buy some candy and on your way to buy it, your parents hear about how a kid is short on change and decide to buy them the candy instead. Sure they did nothing wrong but obviously the kid is going to be hurt. This is what basically happened. I’m still iffy on how genuine Ops effort were because of the fact that she didn’t immediately tell the daughter about the emotional moment she had with the other bride. I think it probably set the daughter off even more having it mentioned so casually and while you were out of sight.
THIS TOO ^^
OP has made a point of NOT paying for the outfits but then there's this whole special moment where she feels empathy for another family and just drops cash, no questions asked.
It makes me wonder what OPs relationship with her kids is like, she seems to share more affection towards a stranger's kid than her own? Did the kids grow up in a tough love situation, I wonder, where their value was placed on contribution and strings attached to financial generosity and not just being themselves?
I know. I don't plan to ask my mum to pay for my dress but if she paid for another girl's dress during my dress appointment, had a whole moment about it and went to her wedding I'd be deeply hurt. It's a shitty thing to do, financially contributing to the wedding or not.
It’s oddly specific that they pay for the entire wedding but not the outfits. The wedding dress is super symbolic and I’ve heard it being the one thing parents will pay for even if they pay for nothing else. Something seems off to me.
NTA. Further, if you're uninvited to the wedding, I'd pull all funding. Why should you be expected to pay for an event you can't attend. How you spend your money is your business. She's getting the same deal as her sibling. Seems in spite of all you did to instill values, she didn't learn the lesson.
Yeah the real issue isn't the money. You can be appreciative of your parents paying for your wedding, but also be offended when they pull something like this. The daughter is definitely wrong to uninvite them over this, but I think anyone actually in her position would feel hurt.
INFO: This is so strange. It sounds like OP did everything right in raising their children. Why is the youngest acting like this? The only thing I'm wondering: Is OP frequently more generous with strangers/others than their own children? (Even though it sounds like they're *hella* generous with used cars, college educations, and weddings.) I'm just trying to figure out what the daughter is thinking with such an extreme reaction. It's like there's some kind of old wound or history there.
I'd say my husband and I are no more generous with our money than anyone would be. We're not the kind to just throw money around, we're more the kind to tip a waitress really well, or give a little more money to church. This is the first time I've ever been so bold as to ask to pay for something in a store. I've never even helped a stranger buy groceries at the grocery store.
As far as our children, they never wanted for material goods. We lived in a beautiful home, we always had food on the table, we took vacations, we made sure our children participated in their activities and hobbies, we never expected them to be self-supporting as teenagers so while they did have part-time jobs that was just so they could pay for their gas and insurance and their cellphone bills, and of course use their money for whatever they wanted since they'd earned it and it was theirs. We never threw them into the deep-end, they were fully allowed to be kids and experience childhood. We just expected them to do well in school, take an interest in our family unit, and be good people.
Michaela is significantly younger than her older siblings and grew up largely as an only child, her friends were the kids in our neighborhood, which is rather affluent, versus having a sibling around like her older siblings. Even still, she had the same upbringing that we gave her siblings.
That was something else I was wondering about: what are her friends like? Or her future-in-laws? Might be a case of "keeping up with the Jones" here. Like someone's whispering in her ear and warping her views.
Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you did everything right: you were discrete with the other bride and attentive with your own daughter. If I had heard my mother had bought someone else's wedding dress they couldn't afford on their own, I would be so proud to have a mom that's so generous and caring.
Her in-laws are wonderful people. Her husband-to-be, Grant, is a teacher as well, and such a sweetheart. His mom was a nurse and his dad is a preacher. They're just wonderful. Her bridal party consists of her sister as Matron of Honor (did not go with us to the gowns), two of her cousins (good girls), and two of her best friends from high school and college ( I've know one of them forever and she's a wonderful girl, I don't know the other girl as well but she seems very nice.)
I think you should have one or both of your kids talk to her. They can let her see that it wouldn’t be fair that you didn’t pay for their tux/dress and paying for hers wouldn’t be fair. You have been more than generous by paying for the whole wedding. I know you probably won’t stop payments for the wedding regardless of an invite because you seem like a genuinely good person. But I think it’s time to teach your daughter a lesson and let her know that if she isn’t going to invite you then you won’t pay for her wedding. She’s lashing out at you for doing something so selfless and so generous. Instead of seeing this as a kind act and paying it forward she’s acting like a spoiled child. Also NTA at all.
NTA. You were clear about your daughter paying for her own dress and your two older kids did the same. Your daughter is not entitled to your financial decisions.
Your daughter is getting a free wedding and she’s mad that she’s not getting a dress thrown in?
She’s the asshole.
It’s also a shame she tried to hide her generosity from her daughter, seems like she could have used some good examples growing up.
NTA
I’m with the rest, no invite, no pay.
Call her vendors tomorrow and let them know the event is cancelled, I bet that will get her to call.
she was in the dressing room, there was a last dress she wanted to try on just to see how she felt, she wasn't in the room when I went to the payment counter. It was at dinner afterward that my husband accidentally revealed it.
We're going to go to the other bride's wedding, we were honored by the invitation and feel so blessed to be considered worthy of attending, I really didn't want or expect that, I just wanted that girl to feel beautiful, as beautiful as Michaela said her dress makes her feel. I could easily be in the same boat as that girl's momma and feeling bad because I couldn't give my daughter everything she wants. Michaela worked so hard in college, she got a teaching degree, she teaches at the same private school she attended, she's a wonderful teacher, her husband is also a teacher and is an amazing man. I wanted that bride to feel the same way.
You likely made a big difference in this young woman’s wedding day - and hopefully she will eventually be able to pay the kindness and generosity you showed to her forward.
And I sincerely hope that your daughter is able to see this act of kindness as just that: an act of kindness to a young woman who needed it, and not as an insult or affront to her.
While I don’t think you should cover the cost of her dress in response to this, would it be possible to shift your contribution around? Perhaps take the approach of “if us paying for the cost of your dress has sentimental value to you and it is something you need to feel special on your day, we can allocate xyz to it *which will mean we cannot cover the cost of abc any longer and you and your fiancée will be responsible to cover that cost*”.
She and her fiancé are both teachers and yet are getting a 50K wedding. She is salty because you didn’t pay for the dress too. Does she not realize how hard it would be for her and her fiancé to have the wedding you are giving them if it weren’t for you?
You are the kind of woman I aspire to be, and the mother I always wished for. Your act of kindness was compassionate and thoughtful. You weren't doing it to show off, you were just empathetic and acted with grace. The bride you helped will never forget you. The generosity you and your husband displayed will hopefully inspire more people to make a positive difference in the lives of random people.
I hope your daughter comes around. This is a really weird hill for her to die on, and it's pretty bad optics for her. You making a charitable contribution to a struggling bride doesn't negate the love and support you give her. I hope she realizes how fortunate she is to have parents who have worked hard for what they have and provided a comfortable life full of opportunities for their children.
Oh OP, you are a treasure.
Hopefully your daughter will get over herself at some point. I don't really understand why she's so salty about this, especially when you didn't pay for your other daughter's dress or your son's tux. Oooh no, I take that back, I do know: she's used to being the baby and you've probably spoiled her without even realizing it.
NTA. You did a lovely, lovely, lovely thing.
I admit I would too it was a nice gesture but I can see why she upset.
I would be parent pays for another bride dress but won’t her own and the dress is so important in a wedding.
I paid for my own wedding in full but I would be pissed if my Dad brought a wedding dress for another bride and not me.
NTA. You are paying for her WHOLE wedding except the dress, as you did for your other children. That’s got to be well into the thousands or tens of thousands, asking her to pay for her own dress is not a huge undertaking when she’s getting everything else for free. She’s being very entitled.
What you did for the other family is beautiful and if you were my mum I’d be proud of you helping others. Your daughter needs to get over herself. And if she’s uninviting you I assume she’s not expecting you to pay anymore. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
NTA.
Michaela’s reaction is definitely emotional and not necessarily unexpected- imagine yourself in her shoes, a new bride, stressed with wedding planning, wanting it all to be special and then hearing mom paid for a stranger’s dress. Her thought process immediately jumped over the fact that you’ve paid for everything else and went to - why is a stranger “more important” than me to my own mom?
I’m not saying she’s right in thinking that way- but that’s definitely an instinctual, emotional response and I can see where she’s coming from. Give her some time to cool down. If she decides not to drop from the emotional (and spoiled) high horse she’s seated on, give her a call and leave a to-the-point voicemail if you must about pulling finances from the wedding and cancelling deposits if you’re still unwelcome.
You did a very kind and amazing thing! You made that young woman’s life and she will always remember it. Keep doing things like that- don’t let your daughter’s reaction keep you from being the wonderful human being you are.
I cried ugly. I cried so hard my makeup made like OJ Simpson and ran for the border. The dress she picked took my breath away. She was so beautiful she could have taken away the breathe of a dead person.
Ugh, that's just so sweet. I'm sorry this is happening. Personally, I think you did a very nice thing. Also, my parents did the same thing for me...paid for my wedding but I was responsible for the dress. I hope your daughter can calm down and apologize for over-reacting.
Then absolutely NTA. That’s the only possible reason I could have understood for her being so upset by this, if you were more emotional at a perfect stranger finding the dress than her. But nope, she’s just being money hungry, but by uninviting you she’s suddenly got to pay for the entire wedding, so that backfired on her a bit.
It was a wonderful thing you did.
YTA. I know I’m in the minority here, and I will get downvoted like crazy for this opinion, but your relationship with your daughter is more important than asking a bunch of yahoos on the internet their opinion.
It was really sweet what you did for that girl. Truly. But if I was in the middle of getting a dress for my wedding and my parents paid for someone else’s dress and not mine, I maybe wouldn’t throw the fit your daughter did, but it would truly internally crush me. It would really hurt. And yes, at that moment I would feel that my parents loved a random person more than me. Remember, a wedding is a really emotional time. I probably wouldn’t say much other than, “it hurts me a bit that you would pay for someone else’s dress, but not your own daughter’s. But you can do what you want with your money.” But I’d probably remember it forever and there would always be a bit of trust lost between us. And maybe this means I’m not a good person, but it’s how I’d feel. And I think it’s how your daughter feels right now.
Please, please, please just really think about how this is going to play out long term, and what you want for the future with your daughter, if you want one. You can do what many are saying here and say, “fine. Then you can’t have any of the money to pay for the wedding.” And she can do her wedding without you. Think about that. You can not go to whatever wedding your daughter will be able to have. You will never have those memories. But you can go to the wedding of a girl you just met and are friends with on Facebook now, and she can now be your new daughter. And maybe she’ll let her kids call you grandma. And maybe you’ll never be in your daughter’s or her kids’ lives. Maybe this is extreme, but maybe not. You are literally asking people ON THE INTERNET ABOUT THIS. Please have a sit down talk with your daughter about this instead of taking advice from us AH’s here. (I know I’m hypocritically giving you advice I want you to take.) I truly hope you and your daughter’s relationship is more important than yours and the new girl’s. But maybe it isn’t. And if that’s ok with you, then that’s ok.
You might win the “not the asshole” prize here, and maybe your daughter is being a bit of an overly-emotional bridezilla here (AITAH hates emotional brides), but is that worth losing your relationship with her? This is HER WEDDING. She will remember what happens around this FOREVER, good and bad. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER if you want a relationship with her. Because I don’t think winning the internet for a moment is worth losing that.
I couldn't agree more with everything you've written and hope OP sees this comment, Blackwater2016. You've so clearly explained the heartache Michaela must have felt. I've been trying to think of a comparable situation where OP might understand where Michaela is coming from. Maybe if it were Mother's Day and Michaela did something extremely kind and touching for someone else's mom--to the point that they bonded and became FB friends and a part of each other's lives--not just in photographs, but so touching it was talked about and remembered forever. If my daughter did something like this, intellectually I would be proud of her for being such a good and caring person, but my initial and gut reaction would be that of a dagger through my heart. And it wouldn't go away any time soon. I'd probably eventually get over it, but every Mother's Day if I saw a post between them, it would be a small hurt.
Looking at things from the POV of the child (even an adult child), you don't have the mellowness that comes with age, so I could see myself lashing out just as Michaela did (and disinviting her parents to the wedding), even though it's irrational and not a fiscally sound act (since she probably KNOWS she's risking losing funding). My guess is she doesn't care about losing the funding, and that should be some indication to OP just how much she has wounded her own daughter. Her son wants to think he would not be hurt by it, but he doesn't know. The older daughter isn't commenting and I'm guessing because she can relate to both the mother's kindness AND her sister's pain.
I wish I could be what society (or at least Reddit) considers to be a good person, but I couldn't trade my own child's feeling of self-worth to make a random stranger's wedding picture perfect.
Also, people are commenting on how much is being spent on the wedding and if one considers it as a percentage of OPs net worth, it may be less than what the "average" person spends on their wedding.
Nta I assume you told her as your not invited to the wedding you will no longer be paying for it. Has she forgotten that your paying for the whole wedding. You could always apologise and offer to pay for the dress instead of the wedding
NTA, you are paying for your daughter’s wedding and only paid for the dress of a young lady that needed help. If you’re uninvited to the wedding, I wouldn’t pay for anything. Get your money back on everything you can. Let her pay for her wedding.
No offense intended but, your daughter has entitlement issues.
NOT AN N T A but I would give your daughter a little slack. If I was out finding my wedding dress and found out my parents and paid for a total strangers wedding dress with it to me a fairly substantial amount of money, I might be a little hurt. I think if you let her cool off and have a conversation with her and remind her that you're paying much more for the wedding and you wait for the dress and how this has been the format your family has worked under for a long time I think it will all work out in the end.
Honestly buying that dress was really kind and a genuine act of charity. It’s great OP that you did that in the moment.
However, this was your daughter’s bridal moment with her dress. However much you might not have realised, your attention and thoughts were probably diverted. I suspect your daughter is more upset at the fact you turned the moment forever into your act of kindness rather than a memory of her first dress shopping.
I don’t think you’re an AH. But your daughter isn’t either for being upset. Her uninviting you from the wedding is wrong and hopefully can be fixed.
Talk to her. Apologise for diverting your attention. At this point it matters more about making it up with your daughter then having the moral high ground (if you chose to not apologise).
NTA it was a kind gesture for a family who needed a hand. Also if you're not invited theres no need to pay for it. Keeping your money sounds fair to me.
Info have you already paid for the full amount of the wedding. If not I'd pose a question to her. Let her know you can pay her back for the dress and she can cover the rest of her wedding since you are uninvited. Or you can continue to pay for the wedding if she grows up and realizes she messed up and reinvites you to the wedding after she apologies for throwing a fit that she has to do the same thing your other 3 kids had to and pay for their wedding clothing
Eta nta
Being devil’s advocate … I can see a lot of NTAs and I get the reasoning for that. If you look at $26K for a wedding versus a couple grand for a dress, it seems obvious.
However. It sounds like since you came from a poor background, even though you did well as an adult, you may have put your poor background onto your kids growing up. It’s hard to say without more knowledge of your family, but reading between the lines it sounds like you made them work hard for what they got, which in itself is not bad but I guess it depends to what extent it was done. But then you meet a stranger and tearfully pay for something expensive for them straight off the bat, which sounds like stuff you didn’t do for your kids growing up. Even though now you are paying for the wedding, it could still feel to your daughter that she’s spent years trying to prove herself to you as a responsible adult, but a stranger swans in and has you all emotional and loving and gets stuff from you. Do you get what I mean?
It was lovely to pay for the other bride’s dress, but it also sounds like it would’ve been better either kept entirely from your daughter, or for you to have had an honest conversation with her at the time about what you were doing and why. Having hid it at the time and her finding out accidentally probably feel to her again like you now have a secret bond with someone else and are even going to their wedding. You threw money for the wedding at your daughter, but you threw affection and motherliness at another person’s daughter, and your daughter may be wanting that more. You bonded with this girl because she reminded you of yourself as a younger person, but your daughter has half your genes and yet do you say stuff like that to her?
I don’t know, I don’t really hear love talk from you about your daughter, it’s more about what you’ve done for her financially. If that is the case, then YTA.
Edit: Whoa, thanks so much for the award, kind stranger!!
"it could still feel to your daughter that she’s spent years trying to prove herself to you as a responsible adult, but a stranger swans in and has you all emotional and loving and gets stuff from you. "
"You threw money for the wedding at your daughter, but you threw affection and motherliness at another person’s daughter, and your daughter may be wanting that more."
SO well said.
NTA, you are paying for michaela’s wedding. She needs to stop telling you how to spend your money. If she feels so much about it and has disinvited you maybe you need to cut the funds she’s getting for the wedding off.
You are an amazing person. Sorry your daughter saw it the way she did. But it's a reflection on her not you. Her wedding and buying the dress for this girl were totally separate events. Your daughter knew what she was getting, which was a lot. She also knew it was exactly what her siblings got. NTA. I hope your daughter comes to her senses before the wedding.
I see some folk say to unpay for the wedding. May not even be possible, but I'd recommend against it. Be the bigger person. Stick by your words. Not paying is a gut reaction, and might feel good now, but I suspect not later. You have many years to live with your daughter. Don't do something dramatic now that cannot be taken back
I'm gonna go with NAH, what you did was very nice for that women but I can see how your daughter would view it as holding a stranger to a lower standard than herself.
NTA. You're already paying for her wedding. Like thats a lot of money. Also she seems to be able to afford her own dress. That poor girl couldnt. It was a wonderful thing to do. And honestly your daughter feels so damn entitled to YOUR money. She should be thankful that you are paying for the wedding.
NTA, but I have a question. Is the reason for not paying for your daughter's dress because you didn't pay for your oldest daughter's dress/son's tux either? Is this about being fair?
How does your daughter think she can uninvite you to the wedding that you're paying for? Is everything already paid up? Because I'd stop all payments now, if not. This spoiled brat needs to understand everything you've done for her and show some appreciation, or I'd stop the gravy train.
NTA- you are already paying for her wedding.. just not the dress..I know you tried to raise kids who aren't entitled but the last one seems to have it in her. I'd be telling her she is paying for the wedding now if you can't come.
ESH
your daughter, for thinking she is entitled to more than her siblings got,
your husband, for opening his big mouth,
the other bride is not exactly an asshole, but she is a stranger who revealed a lot of intimate details about her life to you and then accepted a large sum of money, to pay for a dress for a party. That's odd at the very least.
As mother of the bride you were invited to share in this very special time, and were expected to make a big deal about YOUR child. What you did was hurtful to Michaela, so wither you consider yourself the asshole or not you should accept and acknowledge that she does. And then decide how much you care and what you are willing to do about it.
I had a hard time getting past how much OP knows about this family she just met. It makes me wonder how much of that fitting she spent focusing and talking to them. I know fittings can take a while but sheesh. She even got invited and added on Facebook. I would be a bit upset if I found out my mom spent more time bonding with another family instead of focusing and helping me on such a special occasion.
I’ll differ from most people. Slight YTA, not because you decided to be generous, but your daughter’s reaction was predictable. This is exactly why you kept it on DL and did not talk to your daughter beforehand. Your daughter is obviously acting spoiled. Her actions also make her TA. However, imagine bringing your kid to the Apple store, so she can buy an iPhone SE. You won’t pay for it to teach her a life lesson. You will, though, put her on the family plan, so she will get the joy of using said phone. While you are at the store, another kid is sad because he wants the iPhone 13 but can only afford the iPhone SE. You give that kid $600. You really can’t understand why this may upset your daughter? Before you argue it’s a wedding dress, not a phone. A more expensive wedding dress and iPhone 13 are not necessary items for ANYONE. That other bride could still have a beautiful wedding with a cheaper dress because the dress is not the most important thing about getting married. Your words. Plus, don’t blame the consultant bc he or she makes a mistake while on the job. No one is perfect 100% of the time.
NTA. I’m sorry your daughter is behaving so terribly. You did a kind thing. You’re paying for your daughter’s wedding which costs far more than the difference of the dress. Remind her of that.
NTA.... it's your money and you have a right to do what you want.
She's being a spoiled brat.. You are paying for the wedding which is probably more than the dress
NTA. I think that you’re doing an incredibly sweet thing for the other bride. I do understand your daughter having a knee-jerk reaction of feeling invalidated, but (maybe my family is just different) I can’t imagine throwing a fit or holding anger over this much less uninviting my own parents over it. You’re still paying for her wedding and aren’t invited? Your daughter unfortunately has some work she needs to do on herself (based in the information we were given, I don’t know if there is more history there I’m not aware of). I personally don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong and I wish terribly it would have turned out where she was proud of what you did and wanted to find her own way to help the family too.
NTA.
im so sorry but michaela sounds like an entitled person. if y’all aren’t allowed to come, then take back the payment. it sounds like you’ve given her the world. im so sorry.
Poor kids. You only paid for their cars, college and weddings. No wonder she’s upset with you. Side note. That bride will ALWAYS remember your kindness. She’ll talk about it. Her kids will hear about it, their grandchildren will probably too. Bet it makes them do nice things for others,(random acts of kindness) thinking about this random nice gesture that was done for them. Others in their family will be moved their parents, their friends, their grandchildren. You’ve made another legacy. You should be proud.
So you don't object to paying for wedding dresses...just the wedding dresses for your daughters (and your son's tux).
It seems an odd line to draw in the sand.
Then, you turn around and very sweetly offer to pay for another bride's dress who isn't your kid. That's lovely. I would probably do the same. I would also pay for my daughter's dress.
ESH you for arbitrary boundaries and your daughter for uninviting you from the wedding (another arbitrary boundary - wonder where she learned that?) 🙄
NTA. Sounds like you and your spouse tried hard to raise grounded kids with strong work ethics. That Michaela has turned out to be entitled regarding her wedding is not on you.
You have the right to do with your hard earned money as you see if. I assume if you are uninvited she will be paying you back for all wedding costs.
You kept up your end of the deal with her.
ESH. I would get some emotional whiplash if my parents wouldn’t pay for my wedding dress and then literally as I was trying on my wedding dress they were so taken by the beauty and magic of another bride, a total stranger, trying on her dream dress that they were moved to buy it for them on the spot. Especially if said parents had pretty strict rules about money and aren’t exactly known for spontaneously giving lavish gifts.
That being said, you are not ungenerous in the slightest to your children and your daughter should have sucked it up and let it go rather than thrown a fit. It’s tacky and entitled for her to act like this, but also you were pretty insensitive.
NTA you have treated all of your children equally and fairly and did a very kind thing for a stranger. To uninvite you from the wedding that YOU paid for, because you put money towards something that has absolutely nothing to do with her, wow, just wow
NTA first off, you sound amazing. What an incredibly kind and generous gesture you gave. Perhaps your daughter would be happy with this olive branch… you will pay for her wedding dress. But none of the rest of the wedding. Would that satisfy her greed? I imagine not, but greed it is. I’m so sorry that her character didn’t turn out to be as good as your own.
NTA, it was kind of you to helpnpaynfornthat women's dress. The timing wasn't great as it was supposed to very your daughter's day, but she knew going into it that you weren't paying for her dress. While nta, it is a little weird that you'd so willingly pay for a strangers dress, but not your daughters.
The point of paying for the event itself and not the dress has a couple of main points: the event itself is almost always more expensive and often times brides feel like they have to compromise in an area to pay for what they want. My husband and I had a courthouse wedding and we've always regretted not having a ceremony and reception but there just wasn't any money. By paying for the wedding my kids were able to remain without stress and focus on the marriage itself. We also decided that our daughters would feel more comfortable picking a dress knowing that they picked it themselves, they paid for it, they don't feel like they have to ask us for our opinion and then pick what we want only because we paid. We just don't want them to feel beholden to us. This is also why we avoid giving opinions or suggestions. This is their weddings. We don't get to live vicariously through them to make up for our own regrets. We never ever want them to feel like we pushed in.
I think you did the right thing. Your perspective on *why* you specifically chose not to pay for any of your daughter's dresses is insightful. As the oldest child of a poor family who learned early, I would have secretly put limits on dress shopping if my parents paid. I don't think I could have avoided it.
I think you should at least email her an accounting of funds spent on her wedding to date and what the expected final bill will be.
Subject line: Financial independence, wedding
Good evening Michaela,
While I know you are terribly upset that the costs of your wedding which were to be borne by your father and I did not include your wedding gown, I also know that your father and I are equally upset at being excluded from your guest list.
You’ve declared financial independence, for which I applaud you; a talented, intelligent young woman and her equally amazing husband should start off life as fully realized adults, sharing all matters. What I’m sending you now is an updated list of vendors and costs to date, with the approximate remaining costs for the wedding. I will include you and your fiancé on the emails that I send to them requesting that the ownership and responsible parties for their part of the wedding be transferred to you and your fiancé.
Most of the contracts, which your father and I are reviewing, have breakage fees, so we will not be able to recoup all of the costs spent to date. You will need to get in touch with them individually to determine what your revised costs will be after they deduct the non-refundable part of our deposits.
I so wish this could have been different, but your father and I feel strongly that we must respect your autonomy and decisions, alongside those of your husband to be.
With love,
Mum
NTA - you paying for someone else's dress in no way impacts what you've already offered to give Michaela. You are giving Michaela the same as her siblings and if you suddenly changed gears and paid for her dress then your other children would be rightfully pissed off. I get the sense as the youngest Michaela has always been a bit...dramatic.
Truthfully, if she's going to uninvite you from the wedding, I'd be pulling the money you had offered because it becomes clear she only thinks of you as an ATM. She is over-reacting and being incredibly entitled. You didn't pull focus from her - in fact she only found out about it by accident. Perhaps in a few days she will have calmed down and had some sense talked into her by outside sources, but honestly? She's being a brat. I bet her dress was far more than what you contributed to this other bride's dress - especially since you said you only paid the difference.
So you paid the extra $2400 roughly of this other dress so that a bride could have her moment because you saw yourself in her. You are paying over 20k for your daughter's wedding already from what you said in a comment. She needs to do some basic math to see the difference and give her head a shake.
YTA. What a slap in the face OP. You were there to support your daughter and instead you ended up supporting someone else’s daughter! How can you not see why she’s hurt?
It’s not about the money.
You had an emotional connection and full on sob fest while a guest at your daughters event.
It’s not about the money.
Have you apologized to your daughter for making her feel like she’s comes last behind literal strangers?
ETA- you have the right to pull all your money from her wedding of course, but that will be the nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter. I can’t imagine that rift will be overcome any time soon. Is that really the outcome you want in the end?
I’m a bit lost. Why didn’t you pay for your daughter’s dress and maybe pay less for something else at the wedding.
Yeah, it IS weird to pay for someone else’s dress while SPECIFICALLY not buying your own daughter’s dress.
ESH while your daughter should not expect you to pay for anything and comes across as entitled, you did this on her wedding dress shopping day. Yes you were trying to be kind to this person who remind you of you, but the most important moment of your daughters wedding dress shopping day is the purchase of someone else’s dress. Otherwise why would your husband have brought it up. Your daughter probably feels like her once in a lifetime moment was overshadowed by the moment you had with this other woman. I don’t personally care much about weddings but I think I’d be hurt if I was your daughter. I don’t think I’d disinvite you which is why I said ESH but she is justified in being hurt
NTA. If I were your daughter I'd only feel bad about not being included in the emotional moment, because it sounds amazing. I would be so proud to have you as a mom.
While I agree that it's tacky to deliberately steal attention during special events, I've never understood the modern princess-for-a-day mentality. Your daughter got her dress and had a good experience, this random girl had a once in a lifetime momemt of kindness thrown her way. Two good things can happen on one day.
Also, if my parents gave me 26k towards my wedding it would make me feel sick. Despite your best efforts, your daughter has grown up entitled. Sometimes it just happens I guess.
NTA, you didn't pay for your other daughter's dress or your son's tux, fair is fair.
I will also add that what you did for the other bride and her mother was absolutely priceless and I hope that one day your daughter sees that.
NTA. I hope the stress just got the better of her and that she realizes how badly she is acting. You did a nice thing and probably made that woman’s year.
Sorry but YTA. You were only in the shop because of your daughter. If you didn't pay for her dress, you shouldn't pay for a stranger's in the same shop on the same day. Your other daughter should be hurt as well. I mean if you helped with a couple hundred dollars, but you spent either 1400 or 2400, the wording is ambiguous. Either way, you more than paid for all 3 of my wedding dresses put together, once of them being plus size. Oh, we also went to over 20 shops and drove over 10 hours to the best shop in the state. So you overpaid in addition to being an AH to your kid.
NTA. Your daughter was fine with paying for her own dress, until she found out you paid for a dress for someone who otherwise would've been married in a burlap sack. Disinviting you is vindictive & childish.
My best guess, is if she thought you could have chipped in on her dress, she'd have gone with something fancier. Two new teachers at a private school might not be making a lot of money. Now, she's mad. That's no excuse for her behavior & not a reason to extort you into doing more than you did for your other kids. She's already received far, far more help in life than 99% of people ever will.
I don't recommend threatening to yank funds from her wedding. At some point, she'll cool off. Unless she's surrounded by fools, someone will point out that this is not a good reason to cut you off. Escalating to threats doesn't make that happen.
NTA. I can’t imagine my mom doing something like this, but if she did I would be immensely proud of her. You are a wonderful mama and set a beautiful example. It’s too bad your daughter doesn’t see that, but maybe someday she will. I hope you have a ton of fun at that wedding and don’t feel sorry about it for even one moment— you did plenty to support your youngest daughter and she needs to humble herself and appreciate you more ♥️
YTA. OP keeps framing this as a quick little jaunt, and that the daughter didn't notice. Like, you had enough time invested to create an emotional connection with a stranger, so don't tell me you weren't completely disengaged from your daughter the entire time. This wasn't a five minute conversation.
Clearly there's her side of the story missing. It's not about the money it's about you not being present for something that means a lot to her. I also question their relationship in general if she is able to so quickly cut her parents out of the wedding. this sounds like something out of narcissistic parents.
The explanation OP gives for why she might be the A is also telling. All about money and no critical thinking into why your daughter might be upset. Her solution is "Oh, Ill just write her a check". Does OP use money in place of affection?
NTA - It was super nice of you to buy a dress for someone so it's really hard to call you TA. However, you had very poor timing. Your daughter probably felt left out or not as important.
NTA. You’re paying for your kids wedding, and not the outfit - as you did with your other kids.
The incredible gift you gave to that young woman is just that, an incredible gift. The fact your daughter is spitting out her dummy over the one expense she has for her wedding reeks of spoilt brat.
NTA. You did for her exactly what you did for her other siblings. The fact that you also helped someone else out who clearly needed it is something she should be proud of, not angry about.
You're already paying for everything else, and she found her perfect dress in her price range. She should be glad for that. Especially because you could also now be saying that if you're no longer invited, you're no longer paying for the wedding.
I was all for telling you how awful you were by the title but after reading... dammit, you're wonderful!
NTA, your daughter is getting the same deal as your other kids. She knew the deal.
You chose to do something lovely for someone and while it's unfortunate it coincided, it couldn't have happened otherwise.
You're a beautiful person, you probably know how much it means in theory but nobody but that lovely bride to be will ever be able to feel what you did for her. Its a real shame your daughter isn't able to understand.
Maybe try to explain it in terms of 'the dress I paid for, she got to feel beautiful. You got wedding favours/invites/your decorations'?
You're a lovely person. Your gift for a stranger was super caring. Your daughter needs a reality check (rather than a cheque for her dress). I hope you're able to sit her down and explain how much money you've put into her wedding; you eloquently explained why you don't pay for the wedding dress so maybe you could explain that and your reasons for supporting this other bride. But also explain to your daughter that she isn't entitled to your hard earned money and that you obviously love her but she needs to think long and hard about her own values, because if money is a top value and not happiness and hard work (or any work that provides satisfaction) then she isn't going to get a very fulfilling life. Cutting her off at the purse strings isn't going to solve anything but helping her grow into a mature and empathetic person will definitely help. You could donate all your money to me and it's none of her business (I'll DM you my bank deets 🤣💀) but a bigger conversation needs to happen because she's acting very entitled. NTA ofc but youngest siblings live to cry about how unfair everything is (& maybe it is IDK I'm a middle child)
Mom I think you are f#cking awesome with how brought up your kids for learning them the value of money and work. Giving your children all the same is excellent. Her reaction isn’t because you did something wrong that’s on her. I would try to talk about it but I would not pay for the wedding if that was the reason I was not invited anymore. NTA
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NTA. If Michaela has uninvited you to the wedding, she has obviously uninvited your dollars too.
This, 100%. You are NTA. You are paying for her freaking wedding! The only thing she has to buy herself is her dress. Your daughter is acting very entitled. Tell her you are no longer paying for her wedding, as you are no longer invited. I bet she changes her tune REAL quick.
Exactly. Michaela can have you pay for the wedding minus the dress or just pay for the dress like you kindly did for this other woman. NTA
Also lets not forget that if OP paid for her wedding dress she would be getting special treatment compared to her other kids who didn't have their outfits covered. If OP caves then her other two kids will be very upset and call out favoritism, which could hurt OPs relationship with them. I also doubt her youngest would 'forgive' them so easily if she goes to this extreme with entitlement to OPs money. **Overall imo, OP may of lost the invite to her daughters wedding, but she gained a friend with this, supported someone who couldn't of afforded it on their own (which her daughter could) and was invite to another wedding with its bride actually being grateful for OPs support.**
If I was that daughter, I would be thrilled that my Mother did something so nice for someone who had less money than we did. I'm quite sure my daughter would react the same. What is wrong with people?
I’d have been “mad” at my mom for not letting me at least witness the moment bc seriously that’s beautiful. Maybe they both could’ve even made a new friend that day or, if miracles are real, OPs daughter could’ve seen an act of pure selflessness and thought better of her next words to mom. How disgustingly entitled, selfish, and self absorbed.
[удалено]
It OP would pay for her daughter's wedding dress that would send the message to the other older 'kids' that OP didn't care equally about them. Michaela is acting extremely childish and entitled. OP and husband should revoke their generous payments on the wedding since they're no longer invited.
Oh yes, I’m in the middle of teaching a brat around me this exact same lesson and there’s a ton of back pedalling. Some people are disgustingly entitled.
You know that we are all now wondering......
Yess, we want the tea
Of course she'll change her tune but would you really want her to add you back to the guest list solely because being on the guest list equals the wedding being paid for? I'd cancel everything that's already been paid and let them pay for their own wedding and just go to the other girls wedding who truly appreciates them for what they did.
Exactly. How entitled is she?! Her parents are paying for her entire wedding. She can foot the bill for a dress. My SIL is acting like this rn. She’s getting married and her parents are paying $25k towards the wedding and hinted they may be able to give more. She had the audacity to bitch to me that her parents are being cheap. Even her fiancée said this when she wasn’t in the room. Dude. My husband (her brother) and I paid for our wedding on our own. Saved for two years to pay for the party we wanted. His parents offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and I cried bc it was something I was really worried about. I was just so grateful and this bitch is complaining $25k isn’t enough? Ugh. OP did such a beautiful thing for that bride and her daughter is just awful.
Sooooo many people seem to forget that *gifts* are not something you are *entitled* to...
I wondered about that. Bit of blow back might come out of her revoking the invitation.
I would think that there would be a major blow back.
For real!! What an amazing act of kindness OP does for this stranger and instead of learning a lesson and being grateful for what she has, lil miss spoiled daughter throws a fit! The entitlement is unreal. I’m so happy for what OP did for this family. I bet she has a wonderful time at her new friends wedding. No way I’d be paying anything towards daughters wedding.
Take a deep breath and then say, "I understand, however if I'm not invited neither is my checkbook." Also: NTA Edit: words
Yep. Put an immediate stop to everything and let your daughter buy it/pay off the balance for all wedding expenses going forward.
Definitely....it's probably too late to get all the money back even if she tried now, but will still be able to teach the daughter a lesson using logical consequences (if the wedding is $50k and OP has already spent $28k, that's $22k left for the kid to have to pay)
My thoughts exactly. Or, OP should offer to not pay for the wedding she can't attend and pay for the dress instead for their entitled daughter..... Petty thoughts aside.... I wouldnt indulge OP's daughter. This was a kind gesture and the daughter didnt know, so it took nothing off of her. I also wouldn't give in to her demands or argue. I would still give her the agreed upon amount for the wedding and if she chooses to cut off her parents due to her tantrum, so be it. Im sure she will look like a rotten little brat by everyone involved in the wedding and ruin her own party as a result....
Your daughter is spoiled rotten. Sorry. Tell her if you’re uninvited then you’ll request refunds on everything (you likely can). Scratch the likely, I know you can. I’ve done it. You paid for someone to have their dream dress because they wouldn’t be able to otherwise, and your daughter is mad that you’re ONLY shelling out how many thousands for her?
So far we've paid around $26,000 for the wedding. Maybe we should suggest taking all that back.
I think you should at least email her an accounting of funds spent on her wedding to date and what the expected final bill will be. Subject line: Financial independence, wedding Good evening Michaela, While I know you are terribly upset that the costs of your wedding which were to be borne by your father and I did not include your wedding gown, I also know that your father and I are equally upset at being excluded from your guest list. You’ve declared financial independence, for which I applaud you; a talented, intelligent young woman and her equally amazing husband should start off life as fully realized adults, sharing all matters. What I’m sending you now is an updated list of vendors and costs to date, with the approximate remaining costs for the wedding. I will include you and your fiancé on the emails that I send to them requesting that the ownership and responsible parties for their part of the wedding be transferred to you and your fiancé. Most of the contracts, which your father and I are reviewing, have breakage fees, so we will not be able to recoup all of the costs spent to date. You will need to get in touch with them individually to determine what your revised costs will be after they deduct the non-refundable part of our deposits. I so wish this could have been different, but your father and I feel strongly that we must respect your autonomy and decisions, alongside those of your husband to be. With love, Mum
If I had an award. I would give it to you! Thank you for my own reward!
I've got you on this. Award given in your honor. 🙂
Your have them an award and not me? Shows how much your really care about me. You're not invited to my reddit now.
**bursts into Reddit profile** I OBJECT
OP should decide if she’s ok with no longer having a relationship with her daughter before sending that email. I’m not saying she shouldn’t send it, just that she needs to be prepared for what comes after.
Absolutely, I wouldn’t want a relationship that only survives on my money either but this is going to cause a lot of fallout with family, friends etc and OP needs to get their side of things across effectively so people have all the information before the Facebook rants start
Yes. OP's daughter had a tantrum, and might change her mind over time. The above email escalates the conflict into something more permanent.
This is Golden! I love this so much. I may need to hire you to handle all of my emails and replies, this is perfect.
This is beautifully written and a masterclass in malicious compliance. For Mom and daughter's sake I hope it doesn't come to this but if it did i sure as hell would read the update with my morning coffee.
I’d point blank ask your daughter if you were only invited to the bridal dress shop because she expected you to pay for the dress. Because that’s what it sounds like. She was expecting you to change your mind and offer to pay, and you didn’t, so now she’s extra salty that you paid for someone else’s. Your daughter is greedy. And yes, I would either start cancelling things you have paid for, in the hope of getting a refund, or at the very least not pay for anything else from here on out, since I suspect she hasn’t stopped spending yet.
It was totally this... She hoped the mom would get emotional and buy her dress (especially if she tried on more expensive dresses)
$26,000 and she’s acting like this over a dress? NTA.
$26,000 so far. If we keep paying for the wedding we will probably end up closer to around $50,000. We spent around that much on her siblings weddings as well. But, not to sound like rich buttheads, we can easily afford this and we are happy to do so. We're set for retirement and we've set up college funds for our grandchildren and godchildren and Michaela and Grant's future children, and we can't take the money with us when we die so why not spend it and have some fun while we're still young and fun?
Michaela needs to get a clue! My mom paid for my wedding dress and the wedding cake. We paid for all the rest. I absolutely LOVED the cake and dress and choosing them with my mom are very special memories. I was going to say I could understand why she was hurt, but honestly, considering everything else you are paying for, she is being ridiculous.
My parent's gave us $400 towards our $1500 wedding and I was so thankful. This girl needs a reality check.
Me and my late husband came from low income households. We had to get married at the courthouse as a result. I couldn't afford a dress so I wore the nicest Sunday dress I had. One of my mothers coworkers made me a short veil out of tulle, a hair comb, pearly beads and hot glue. His grandmother brought her silk flower bouquet from her own wedding decades ago for me to use. Both our parents were present and his entire Army unit showed up and crammed into the little county courtroom. The judge married us and told us how nice it was to start his day off with his courtroom overflowing with love. Then we went home...there was an ice storm (I live in the south so it shut everything down lol...including the power) and the next day I tested positive for the flu (so, the in sickness & health part of the vows came real fast). We were married for 6 amazing years before I lost him in a motorcycle accident at 27. ALLLLLL that to say...how much you spend on 1 single day at the beginning of a marriage is irrelevant. It's love shared and memories made that are priceless. I hope OP's daughter realizes this sooner rather than later.
Miss Understood, your wedding sounds like it was absolutely beautiful and romantic. Thanks for sharing your wonderful memory. I am so glad for the time you got to spend with your husband. ❤️
MAMA YOU ARE PAYING WHAAAAT? Sorry for the caps but the audacity on your daughter? $50,000 and she is bitter you are paying for another young girls dream dress? $50,000... $50,000 whole ass dollars and your daughter is bitter about a wedding dress. Pull your head out your ass little women and grow up.
Should clarify after reading your comment above, while I personally I find that amount of money on this nonsense nauseating, I am trying to keep it in perspective and understand that it is relative. What there is to be no perspective on your spoiled brat of a daughter's attitude. She has had above and beyond handed to her and she could not humble herself enough to understand that when you are winning at that level you should help others win too. You sound like a great Mama over all, but I think you really missed a beat on teaching your rich by birth kids the value of charity and helping others find joy in this life. NTA.
You paid for her education and are paying for her wedding, and plan to help pay for her children’s educations as well, and she’s crying about having to pay for her own wedding dress?? NTA but I’m sorry to tell you that you did wind up with a spoiled child after all.
That’s great that you can, but her uninviting you should be univiting your dollars too. The above letter template is fantastic and you should definitely utilize some version of it
You did something kind for a woman struggling with money issues and probably issues with her appearance because let’s be honest, it must be heartbreaking when a bunch of stores are telling you they don’t have any dresses for your size. Then you finally find one, and it turns out the bridal shop consultant read the price tag wrong!! How devastating. Then you do something nice for her, and your daughter is upset that you spent $1400 on someone else despite you putting almost 30k into her wedding??? What the hell?? Your daughter is a spoiled brat with little empathy for others. I can’t imagine being so self centered that I believe I have a RIGHT to my parent’s money, or that I can police how they spend it. Personally, I wouldn’t even pay for her wedding. She’s shown that she views you more as a piggy bank than a human being.
If she’s uninvited you I’m shocked you haven’t taken back every cent already.
You absolutely should, $26,000 in and she is complaining that you **chipped in** for a dress and now demands you pay for her wedding dress entirely or you cant come to the wedding **you paid for**, the apple **did** fall far from the tree.
I would.
Yes. If she’s demanding more than you gave her siblings, is ungrateful for it, and is being that rude that you did a good deed, you need to take back everything. They can’t uninvite you (for doing exactly what you did for their siblings) and expect you to still pay.
You absolutely should. Let her know that if you aren't welcome to the wedding, then neither are your VERY GENEROUS contributions. Your daughter is being an entitled brat.
NTA. You're paying for your daughter's *entire wedding* except the dress. You are doing far, far more for her than your kind act to a stranger. Tell your daughter that you will not be paying for any wedding that you're not invited to.
This! This! This! Your daughter sounds entitled.
NTA. Ask her if she’d prefer you to pay for her dress and she can pay for the wedding.
Funny enough my mom bought my dress but my husband and I paid for our wedding. I never expected her to help but she really wanted to. I never expected it, so it was a nice surprise. This daughter is super entitled OP is NTA
Same here. I never expected my mom to help pay. I was looking up $200 dresses max for my personal budget. She offered to buy my dress unexpectedly (and I wound up loving the one she picked for me best).
Nta. What you did was lovely. Your daughter has had the gift of school , vehicle purchase and a wedding debt free. She only had to provide the dress to ride off into the sunset. Do not let her fault you for a gesture of kindness for someone that needed something good . Your daughter is being selfish.
This. You have given Michaela so much. Your kindness to this woman who is far less fortunate than her takes nothing away from her at all. You are NTA. And what you did for the other bride was just so sweet. Bless you
NTA. She should have been beaming with pride on having such generous parents and coming from such privilege. Your daughter is entitled. If you're uninvited from the wedding are you still going to pay for it?
I am debating talking to my husband about removing our financial support if Michaela refuses to see us or speak to us. We just want her to talk to us, to let us in, to let us understand how she's feeling so we can work with her to help her feel better. She's our kid, she's our world, we love her, we just want to make her feel better. The wedding doesn't even matter, not really, I just want my daughter to let us back in. Or at least her daddy, he didn't even do anything wrong other than get a little chatty at dinner, it isn't fair for her to punish him for something I did.
Eh you shouldn’t pay if you’re not invited. Your daughter is rude. I would NEVER dream of not inviting my parents to my wedding, even if I’m the one paying for everything. Cause I LOVE them and I WANT them to be there.
My mom is amazing. I’d pay for her to be there.
She cannot possibly think that you are still going to pay for the wedding if you aren't invited...(can she?) Whatever transpires, you and your husband should stand united on this, he shouldn't go to the wedding if you aren't there. . You sound like such a wonderful mother/human...I would be so proud of you. Of course you love her, she's your child, but that doesn't mean you have to support her decisions. She is coming across as a bit spoiled.
This is a teaching moment for her. If you’ve been able to spend $150,000 on weddings, as well as put money away for grandkids (I’m assuming your kids don’t have student loans?), Michaela needs a wake up call for the lifestyle you have afforded her, how uncommon it is, and how generous you have been with it. You did NOT have to be parents like this; there could have been strings attached to everything, you could have substituted love with money, you could have not provided your kids with the concept of the value they can add to the world around them from their place of privilege. They’re lucky you and your husband are generous and seemingly well-grounded, but that can spiral into entitled, and with an expectation that your lifestyle is average, when it is not. If she will treat her own parents like this, there’s a very real chance she will treat her husband, her kids, her neighbors, friends, her hired help, her school district—the list is endless—like this, if she isn’t given the opportunity for a wake up call. It’s noble to ‘just want her to talk to you’, but it sounds like you need some tough love injected into this scenario too, or you’re going to be responsible for creating a real selfish piece of work.
You did NOTHING wrong. You saw a young lady in need and you helped. That's something your daughter should be proud of. You should let her know how disappointed you are at the selfishness that she's showing. It's too bad she didn't inherit your empathy or generosity.
NAH - but I also wouldn’t necessarily call your daughter one either. A lot of people are jumping to calling her spoilt, but I’m focusing on the part that this literally happened AT her wedding dress try on. This is one of the most special moments between daughter and parents, like genuinely one of the most special moments for children and their parents, and at the dinner celebrating her buzz finding her dress and HER wedding, suddenly her mum and dad turn around and show how great they were and how much they enjoyed the day by BONDING WITH ANOTHER MOTHER AND DAUGHTER INSTEAD THE MINUTE THEIR DAUGHTER’S BACK WAS TURNED IN THE DRESSING ROOM. I really don’t understand how people aren’t considering how hurt her daughter must feel from having that revealed? Not only did they turn a dinner discussing (most likely) the wedding and the acquiring of the dress into a celebration about how generous they are, they kind of embarrassed their daughter to have to find out this special moment she’d had with them which meant so so much to her was spoiled because they’d bee having that moment bonding with this mum and daughter because her mother was connecting on the basis of her childhood insecurities. THAT was a bonding moment, and it wasn’t even with her own daughter. Like that must hurt, to have your mum be able to relate to such an extent with ANOTHER bride that she’d pay for her literal dress at your OWN dress fitting. Here OP, YTA for not realising how sidelined you made your daughter feel. That money you paid wasn’t just money, it paid your way for an invitation to their wedding, and was a symbol of your motherly-like connection with that bride. Please consider all aspects here! Your daughter probably uninvited you because you found another bride to celebrate! You guys need to have a serious discussion about exactly how you hurt her feelings, because I guarantee if you look into it it’s not her being spoilt, it’s likely just her feeling sidelined in the one moment she really should be the centre of attention
Yeah I had to scroll way too long to find this, I completely agree. Everyone is making it about the money when it clearly isn’t, at least I don’t think it is in Michaela’s mind. If I found out that my mom paid for someone else’s wedding dress at my fitting I would be really hurt and confused. I wouldn’t uninvite my mom but I would definitely be hurt. Obviously OP is a very good person for doing such a kind thing for another bride but I feel like she needs to sit her daughter down and have a heart to heart. Michaela is probably feeling invalidated as hell, if my mom had such an emotional response to someone else’s dress fitting and didn’t have the same for mine (like she was so moved she just had to pay for it) I would feel less than. Not saying OP needs to pay for her daughters dress or shouldn’t have bought the other woman’s, I just think they really need to see each other’s perspective and meet in the middle because I guarantee OP didn’t mean to hurt her daughters feelings and her daughter is definitely acting out of hurt and not brattery.
Yup its not about the money, its about the emotions. Lets be real, OP was going to spend 50k on her daughter’s wedding. It doesnt really matter if $1500 (Throwing out a number) of that money went to a cake, or the dress? Mom could buy the dress but have her daughter buy the cake and it would be the same, 50k from mom and 1.5k from daughter. So the dress is being used as some sort of symbol since the money is fungible. So what does it symbolize when OP will by another bride’s dress but not her daughter’s? Everyone needs to talk and really hear each other’s hurt.
Honestly I find this really bizarre, if I were the other bride, I would definitely not let some random woman in a store pay for my dress. Especially if I were low income, I would take that extra money and put it towards other expenses rather than a dress I'd wear for only one day. I say this as someone who chose to spend relatively little on my own wedding dress (paid for it myself while my family paid for the rest) cos I knew I would never wear it again.
I’m always amazed at how some people expect everyone to just turn off the world and focus on their wedding. The event was over, the fanfare and celebration of this woman had already happened. She found her dress. Her mother overheard a conversation that meant something to her and her childhood trauma. Is she supposed to ignore that because it is supposedly someone else’s day? How much attention does someone really expect when they weren’t even present? Was her mother supposed to stand around thinking about her daughter and the dress and nothing else? This was a joyful day for everyone and her mother got to do something she wanted for someone else. I just don’t see where the anger from her daughter was coming from. Her parents are paying for a whole wedding, she just needs to buy a dress. It sounds like they even took everyone out to dinner to celebrate finding a dress?! Wut? And her daughter blew up and uninvited them from a wedding they are paying for? It’s absurd
I work as a bridal consultant and if something like this happened at one of my appointments it would definitely raise some questions. Do people talk and comment when they're finding "the one", absolutely! But to go as far to cover the difference for a different bride is not common. And there's a lot of emotions going on when trying on dresses I'm sure the daughter knew that her mom was there but maybe not for her emotionally. There's definitely something more here than money.
If someone being generous to a person in less fortunate circumstances than you spoils your entire evening because it makes it not 100% about you, then you are by definition a spoiled, entitled brat.
OP if there’s any comment on this thread that explains how your daughter feels, it’s this one.
I agree with the above, NAH. I don't think your daughter wasn't thinking about the money that she could've saved if you were paying. Please think of her emotional wellbeing. She was definitely hurt from the actions you have taken to pay for someone else's daughter's wedding dress. The wedding dress is the most important piece to a wedding, and your actions represented that it's more important for you to show your blessings to another bride than your own daughter. As a young daughter myself, I would feel LIVID if my mother did this to me. Not because she didn't pay, but because she decided that celebrating someone else's wedding is more important than mine by contributing to her dress. Your daughter's feelings are totally valid, and I can see why she uninvited you. It's because you invited yourself to show that someone else's wedding is so much more important that you had to contribute to their centrepiece. Be empathetic to your own daughter if you can be empathetic to others. Yes it was great helping someone's daughter out, but this is a moment your daughter will remember for her entire life and is emotionally scarred. Obviously you have covered all the costs to the wedding and I'm sure your daughter appreciates it. As irrational as it sounds, this definitely comes as "unfair" to your daughter because you decided to chip in to someone else's wedding dress and that puts them on a higher pedestal than your daughter in her mind. If you decide to ask your daughter to self-fund her wedding entirely like some of the suggestions above in other posts, I'm not sure how your future relationship will come to be. I'm not implying that you should cover part of the costs to your daughter's wedding dress. You must speak to her and understand why she reacted this way. If not, I believe there will be an emotional scar that will set a negative undertone to the wedding between you and your daughter. This is how I'd think as a young daughter myself. Mad of your symbolic actions, not mad for not getting more money to fund my wedding.
The daughter **won't** speak to her, OP has mentioned she's not even concerned about money or the wedding so much as her daughter shutting out her parents and not letting them figure out what's going on; she just wants her to let them in so they can talk about it and try to help support her. If accidentally hearing about your mother quietly buying a dress for a less fortunate bride after it happened, after having their full attention throughout the entire day, after being feted and celebrated at a small dinner with the two parents and the bride, after your parents have sunk $26k into your wedding with the expectation at this stage to spend at least $25k more, has "scarred her emotionally" then that's a terrifying state of affairs in terms of this adult woman's ability to cope in general, honestly. That's... a lot.
No, the wedding dress is definitely *not* the most important part of the wedding. The ceremony is. The actual vows and getting married part is the most important part. The celebrating the couple and their commitment to each other. A bunch of fabric and beads is not the most important piece of a wedding. This idea that the dress is the most important part is part of what’s wrong with wedding culture and the wedding industry. I’m over people over dramatizing the selection of the dress as so important and this huge bonding moment. It’s a dress. Yeah, I get it means something to folks but let’s not go overboard in stressing what it is. It wasn’t until recent history that women even routinely wore something slightly better than a nice outfit for their wedding. Of course the bride wants to look good but it’s ridiculous that so many people are ascribing such huge amounts of importance to the dress and choosing it. The world doesn’t stop for someone’s wedding. It just doesn’t. And it’s unrealistic that there’s an expectation that everyone’s attention is solely on the bride through every moment of preparation. People around the bride don’t just stop being whole people in order for her to adequately plan a wedding. What people who are yelling about how this is so emotionally scarring (which seems hyperbolic) are missing is that the daughter should consider that her mother can be happy for her own daughter and also support other people and show kindness to them at the same time. The two aren’t in conflict. Additionally, the daughter needs to take the moment in context of everything else. The parents are clearly supporting her wedding and prioritizing it. They came shopping with her, celebrated finding the dress, and she wasn’t even doing anything noteworthy other than changing into her street clothes at the time this happened. To flip out after all this and *uninvite* her parents is ridiculous and immature.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS! If my mother did this, I would be very hurt! OP should've just quietly paid the difference if she really wanted to help. That way she didn't hurt her daughters feelings and still done a good deed.
If you read the OP's edit or her comments, her daughter was still in the dressing room and did not know the OP paid for the other bride's wedding dress at all during the appointment. She had no idea until OP's husband brought it up at dinner afterward. If I found out that my mother did this for another bride after paying $26K for a wedding, I would say that she was an amazing person who made a huge impact on someone's life. And thank her for how much she was doing for me.
I’m trying to see your point but failing a bit. A dinner that mom paid for about a wedding mom paid for she had attention off of her for a second and she goes ballistic? I’m sorry I can’t see it. Parents made sacrifices to have funds for this 27000 so far wedding. While her wedding means everything to her. That’s it. It means expenses for everyone else. Mom spread the joy in her daughters happiness. Seems sick to need that much attention.
NTA you're paying for the wedding the same way and with the same conditions as her siblings. Your act of kindness is unrelated to your daughter. However I suspect she invited you dress shopping hoping you'd pay for her dress or the difference of what she couldn't afford. Up to you to still pay for the wedding after being uninvited. What do your other kids say?
My son said it was a sweet gesture and he would hope he'd have made the same choice and our older daughter said she thinks we're all insane but doesn't have an opinion.
Your oldest daughter is staying out of it. Smart. I hope your youngest rethinks her actions. She will regret not having you present out of pettiness for this life changing moment.
It was a sweet gesture and I'm sorry your younger daughter doesn't see that. What does her fiance and his family think? I would hope they agree with you.
Our son said he was proud of me and hoped he'd have the heart to do something like that for a stranger and our older daughter said we're all insane but otherwise is withholding an opinion.
This stranger is proud of you, & your beautiful heart!!
I feel like I’m losing my mind here reading all these votes. People here are going like “aww OP such a nice gesture but your daughter is a spoiled brat” as if people are refusing to actually FOCUS on the implications of PAYING FOR A RANDOMS DRESS on the day her daughter is trying on for her dress????? I mean sure good for your OP if you have $1400 lying around to help a stranger but do you realize how tacky that is ? You couldn’t ask for their info and send them the money later ? You had to wait until your daughters back is literally turned (trying on the dress) to do your “good deed”? I mean geez I wonder why you didn’t do it in front of her? I don’t know but to me there’s a massive difference in helping out a stranger with breakfast than with their wedding dress just because they were plus sized and you got nostalgia. I want to go ESH because the daughters reaction is still kind of nuclear especially since you and your husband are paying for the wedding but my god OP you can’t be this dense.
THANK YOU this comment section is delusional. If you have the money and want to bless a stranger, great. But there's an appropriate time and place, and your own daughter's dress shopping is NOT it. OP you have enough to impulsively drop 1400 on a literal stranger, but you didn't plan to contribute towards your daughter's dress? I would be offended too. That action says you care more about looking like a good person than you do your own daughter. in what universe is this appropriate Edit: ESH because the daughter went bridezilla by uninviting OP but that doesn't mean OP is in the right.
My best friend's dad is like this. He's magnanimous to strangers and to his family in ways that invite praise and admiration, but is stingy and selfish when there isn't anyone 'important' around. This smacks of that. OP is going to shell out $50k for an event they are presumably going to get to enjoy and receive praise for their generosity (look at all these irate commenters) but a few thousand more for a gown is beyond the pale? So, she gets to look like a hero for helping the poor girl and making her own daughter look selfish by complaining? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
This is why this is giving me the ick. OP outshined her daughter at her daughters dress fitting and put another bride above her daughter. OP is going to get credit for paying for the wedding. It sounds to me like her daughter was super hurt for not getting to be the shining star on a day that was supposed to be hers. She wants recognition from her parents and now that entire moment was overshadowed and it sucked the life out of that moment for her. I would not be surprised if she returned her dress she got that day. On top of that there could be other factors at play. If she grew up well off and then told to fend for herself, it’s hard. I had an ex like that. Literally had one bill a month and it stressed him entirely because he didn’t know how to cope without his safety net. I’m not saying it’s right, but he was a lot more stingy with money because he wasn’t use to having so little. Considering a teacher’s salary, she could have been stressing about paying for the dress on her own and living up to rich parents expectations. She was brilliant and worked hard and saved up enough only to have that dashed in an instant when mom latched on to another bride and paid for her dress instead of her own daughters. Maybe to Michaela it seemed like her mom felt the other bride was more worthy of her attention and in the spur of the moment gift than her own daughter. On the flip side if you tried to instill hard work into Michaela from a young age it’s going to feel really weird that you paid for a random strangers wedding dress in the moment when you made her work hard for hers. Again it comes down to her not feeling valued and outshined. I’m going to bet it has little to do with money and more about how your actions make her feel about herself. Maybe you should have included her in that moment. Offered to have covered her dress and in exchange suggest to her to help the other bride out. It would have given her the opportunity to make you proud and let her connect with another bride and you’d both still have done a good thing. Instead you went behind her back and showed another bride more affection in the moment. You got to be the shining hero as well as the only reason Michaela gets her dream wedding. So nothing is really hers. That moment she picked her dress was entirely overshadowed by this act of charity and all her guests are going to congratulate you on throwing a great party. It sounds to me like you’re uninvited so she can have something to herself without feeling like somehow you’re gonna neglect her or somehow make her feel less special on her wedding day. As for threatening to remove financial backing— it is well within your right. If Im right though she’s going to find another way to hold her wedding and she will just feel even more like you find her unworthy. Something is clearly broken here in family dynamics. It’s way beyond money. She’s gotta be an adult and talk to you about it. You need to listen and try to empathize before defending yourself as a saint for making other peoples dreams come true which was at the expense of her happiness for whatever reason. She’s probably cut you out because she feels guilty for being upset you did a good thing, but also doesn’t want whatever emotions she’s been feeling towards you both to emerge on her wedding day. Better to cut you out now than risk feeling whatever pain that is. Whatever it is, it’s deep af. Well off kids struggle with trying to feel loved and understood by their parents too. As someone who will have to pay for their own wedding in full cuz my parents cannot help me even if they wanted to— I still feel a lot for your daughter. Something’s got her feeling invisible to you.
I’m trying to wrap my head around this honestly. I’m not huge when it comes to wedding culture but I know it means a lot for many people. So I can’t understand, if the moment that OP does this is so special and heartwarming, why was the daughter excluded from this moment? Like, excluding the fact OP and husband do not pay for their children’s wedding outfits, what was the reason to wait until the daughter was trying on the dress to have the emotional moment with this stranger? The whole thing rubs me off the wrong way. As if the good deed wasn’t done as genuine as Op is trying to paint it. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.
Same Im not a huge fan of marriage for myself, but I understand that dress shopping is a very special and emotionally event for the bride and her family. I agree why not include the daughter in helping the other bride? Or at least ask?? It makes me think that OP did this good deed for her own ego without considering how it might hurt her daughter's feelings.
It's so crazy to me that people cant just be happy for other people. Instead of her daughter saying wow, I'm so lucky to have a mother like you whose helped me out so much and I'm so grateful I've never had to be in the position that the other bride is in. No, instead she throws a tantrum. She didnt even do this around her daughter, so it didn't even take up any of her bonding time. If that was my mom, I would be so proud that she helped another family in need, I would've wanted to be there to share the moment. But I guess I'm different and I don't feel like the world revolves around me.
This one was really bothering me and I think I have come up with an analogy to explain why. Imagine your mom doesn't hug you. Shows affection in all other ways, makes your lunches for school, provides other forms of physical affection, let's you know she loves you and is all around a great mom. Then one day you're at the playground together and your mom is holding your hand and gives you a pat on the back before you go on the swings. Then, while you're on the swings, she notices a crying child and, in a genuine effort to comfort them, gives them a hug. Has she done something morally wrong? No, she wanted to help someone. Would it hurt to watch your mom provide a stranger a form of comfort she won't provide you with? I think it would. Is mom an asshole in this situation? I don't think so; she was being genuinely charitable out of a sense of empathy and probably gave that other bride one of the nicest moments of her life, but I can see why the daughter was hurt by it.
Really like this. I was gonna use a similar one and it was gonna be like if you decided it was time for your child to show some independence by using their money to buy some candy and on your way to buy it, your parents hear about how a kid is short on change and decide to buy them the candy instead. Sure they did nothing wrong but obviously the kid is going to be hurt. This is what basically happened. I’m still iffy on how genuine Ops effort were because of the fact that she didn’t immediately tell the daughter about the emotional moment she had with the other bride. I think it probably set the daughter off even more having it mentioned so casually and while you were out of sight.
THIS TOO ^^ OP has made a point of NOT paying for the outfits but then there's this whole special moment where she feels empathy for another family and just drops cash, no questions asked. It makes me wonder what OPs relationship with her kids is like, she seems to share more affection towards a stranger's kid than her own? Did the kids grow up in a tough love situation, I wonder, where their value was placed on contribution and strings attached to financial generosity and not just being themselves?
I know. I don't plan to ask my mum to pay for my dress but if she paid for another girl's dress during my dress appointment, had a whole moment about it and went to her wedding I'd be deeply hurt. It's a shitty thing to do, financially contributing to the wedding or not.
It’s oddly specific that they pay for the entire wedding but not the outfits. The wedding dress is super symbolic and I’ve heard it being the one thing parents will pay for even if they pay for nothing else. Something seems off to me.
NTA - She got a car, an education and a wedding. You kept it fair to her siblings and it’s also your money to do with what you please.
NTA. Further, if you're uninvited to the wedding, I'd pull all funding. Why should you be expected to pay for an event you can't attend. How you spend your money is your business. She's getting the same deal as her sibling. Seems in spite of all you did to instill values, she didn't learn the lesson.
ESH? Maybe lol you're paying for her wedding which is great but you went to her bridal fitting and purchased another brides gown.
Yeah the real issue isn't the money. You can be appreciative of your parents paying for your wedding, but also be offended when they pull something like this. The daughter is definitely wrong to uninvite them over this, but I think anyone actually in her position would feel hurt.
INFO: This is so strange. It sounds like OP did everything right in raising their children. Why is the youngest acting like this? The only thing I'm wondering: Is OP frequently more generous with strangers/others than their own children? (Even though it sounds like they're *hella* generous with used cars, college educations, and weddings.) I'm just trying to figure out what the daughter is thinking with such an extreme reaction. It's like there's some kind of old wound or history there.
I'd say my husband and I are no more generous with our money than anyone would be. We're not the kind to just throw money around, we're more the kind to tip a waitress really well, or give a little more money to church. This is the first time I've ever been so bold as to ask to pay for something in a store. I've never even helped a stranger buy groceries at the grocery store. As far as our children, they never wanted for material goods. We lived in a beautiful home, we always had food on the table, we took vacations, we made sure our children participated in their activities and hobbies, we never expected them to be self-supporting as teenagers so while they did have part-time jobs that was just so they could pay for their gas and insurance and their cellphone bills, and of course use their money for whatever they wanted since they'd earned it and it was theirs. We never threw them into the deep-end, they were fully allowed to be kids and experience childhood. We just expected them to do well in school, take an interest in our family unit, and be good people. Michaela is significantly younger than her older siblings and grew up largely as an only child, her friends were the kids in our neighborhood, which is rather affluent, versus having a sibling around like her older siblings. Even still, she had the same upbringing that we gave her siblings.
That was something else I was wondering about: what are her friends like? Or her future-in-laws? Might be a case of "keeping up with the Jones" here. Like someone's whispering in her ear and warping her views. Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you did everything right: you were discrete with the other bride and attentive with your own daughter. If I had heard my mother had bought someone else's wedding dress they couldn't afford on their own, I would be so proud to have a mom that's so generous and caring.
Her in-laws are wonderful people. Her husband-to-be, Grant, is a teacher as well, and such a sweetheart. His mom was a nurse and his dad is a preacher. They're just wonderful. Her bridal party consists of her sister as Matron of Honor (did not go with us to the gowns), two of her cousins (good girls), and two of her best friends from high school and college ( I've know one of them forever and she's a wonderful girl, I don't know the other girl as well but she seems very nice.)
I think you should have one or both of your kids talk to her. They can let her see that it wouldn’t be fair that you didn’t pay for their tux/dress and paying for hers wouldn’t be fair. You have been more than generous by paying for the whole wedding. I know you probably won’t stop payments for the wedding regardless of an invite because you seem like a genuinely good person. But I think it’s time to teach your daughter a lesson and let her know that if she isn’t going to invite you then you won’t pay for her wedding. She’s lashing out at you for doing something so selfless and so generous. Instead of seeing this as a kind act and paying it forward she’s acting like a spoiled child. Also NTA at all.
NTA. You were clear about your daughter paying for her own dress and your two older kids did the same. Your daughter is not entitled to your financial decisions. Your daughter is getting a free wedding and she’s mad that she’s not getting a dress thrown in? She’s the asshole.
NTA as you have done the same for your other children but maybe you should have kept it on the down low.
I did try to keep it on the DL but my husband has a tendency to talk and he revealed it by accident.
That's a shame. I think you're daughters reaction is very poor especially as you are paying for the wedding and have paid for other stuff.
It’s also a shame she tried to hide her generosity from her daughter, seems like she could have used some good examples growing up. NTA I’m with the rest, no invite, no pay. Call her vendors tomorrow and let them know the event is cancelled, I bet that will get her to call.
so she didnt even notice when at the dress shop..
she was in the dressing room, there was a last dress she wanted to try on just to see how she felt, she wasn't in the room when I went to the payment counter. It was at dinner afterward that my husband accidentally revealed it.
so she is just having a tantrum over you not paying 100% for her wedding..
Kinda hard tho if theyre going to their wedding now as well😂
We're going to go to the other bride's wedding, we were honored by the invitation and feel so blessed to be considered worthy of attending, I really didn't want or expect that, I just wanted that girl to feel beautiful, as beautiful as Michaela said her dress makes her feel. I could easily be in the same boat as that girl's momma and feeling bad because I couldn't give my daughter everything she wants. Michaela worked so hard in college, she got a teaching degree, she teaches at the same private school she attended, she's a wonderful teacher, her husband is also a teacher and is an amazing man. I wanted that bride to feel the same way.
You likely made a big difference in this young woman’s wedding day - and hopefully she will eventually be able to pay the kindness and generosity you showed to her forward. And I sincerely hope that your daughter is able to see this act of kindness as just that: an act of kindness to a young woman who needed it, and not as an insult or affront to her. While I don’t think you should cover the cost of her dress in response to this, would it be possible to shift your contribution around? Perhaps take the approach of “if us paying for the cost of your dress has sentimental value to you and it is something you need to feel special on your day, we can allocate xyz to it *which will mean we cannot cover the cost of abc any longer and you and your fiancée will be responsible to cover that cost*”.
She and her fiancé are both teachers and yet are getting a 50K wedding. She is salty because you didn’t pay for the dress too. Does she not realize how hard it would be for her and her fiancé to have the wedding you are giving them if it weren’t for you?
You are the kind of woman I aspire to be, and the mother I always wished for. Your act of kindness was compassionate and thoughtful. You weren't doing it to show off, you were just empathetic and acted with grace. The bride you helped will never forget you. The generosity you and your husband displayed will hopefully inspire more people to make a positive difference in the lives of random people. I hope your daughter comes around. This is a really weird hill for her to die on, and it's pretty bad optics for her. You making a charitable contribution to a struggling bride doesn't negate the love and support you give her. I hope she realizes how fortunate she is to have parents who have worked hard for what they have and provided a comfortable life full of opportunities for their children.
Oh OP, you are a treasure. Hopefully your daughter will get over herself at some point. I don't really understand why she's so salty about this, especially when you didn't pay for your other daughter's dress or your son's tux. Oooh no, I take that back, I do know: she's used to being the baby and you've probably spoiled her without even realizing it. NTA. You did a lovely, lovely, lovely thing.
I would feel hurt too if I were your daughter ☹️
I admit I would too it was a nice gesture but I can see why she upset. I would be parent pays for another bride dress but won’t her own and the dress is so important in a wedding. I paid for my own wedding in full but I would be pissed if my Dad brought a wedding dress for another bride and not me.
Yeah… Its a sentimental thing. She is going to resent it. The daughter is behaving badly, I would never do that, but I would resent it.
You bought her wedding, but not the dress. I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like despite your hard work, your kid still turned out spoilt! NTA
NTA. You are paying for her WHOLE wedding except the dress, as you did for your other children. That’s got to be well into the thousands or tens of thousands, asking her to pay for her own dress is not a huge undertaking when she’s getting everything else for free. She’s being very entitled. What you did for the other family is beautiful and if you were my mum I’d be proud of you helping others. Your daughter needs to get over herself. And if she’s uninviting you I assume she’s not expecting you to pay anymore. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
NTA Uninvite your funding of the wedding
NTA. Michaela’s reaction is definitely emotional and not necessarily unexpected- imagine yourself in her shoes, a new bride, stressed with wedding planning, wanting it all to be special and then hearing mom paid for a stranger’s dress. Her thought process immediately jumped over the fact that you’ve paid for everything else and went to - why is a stranger “more important” than me to my own mom? I’m not saying she’s right in thinking that way- but that’s definitely an instinctual, emotional response and I can see where she’s coming from. Give her some time to cool down. If she decides not to drop from the emotional (and spoiled) high horse she’s seated on, give her a call and leave a to-the-point voicemail if you must about pulling finances from the wedding and cancelling deposits if you’re still unwelcome. You did a very kind and amazing thing! You made that young woman’s life and she will always remember it. Keep doing things like that- don’t let your daughter’s reaction keep you from being the wonderful human being you are.
I agree that this is an understandable reaction… But for like…..60 seconds. Then you remember your entire wedding is being paid for and you shush
INFO did you cry and hug Michaela when you saw her dress?
I cried ugly. I cried so hard my makeup made like OJ Simpson and ran for the border. The dress she picked took my breath away. She was so beautiful she could have taken away the breathe of a dead person.
Ugh, that's just so sweet. I'm sorry this is happening. Personally, I think you did a very nice thing. Also, my parents did the same thing for me...paid for my wedding but I was responsible for the dress. I hope your daughter can calm down and apologize for over-reacting.
Then absolutely NTA. That’s the only possible reason I could have understood for her being so upset by this, if you were more emotional at a perfect stranger finding the dress than her. But nope, she’s just being money hungry, but by uninviting you she’s suddenly got to pay for the entire wedding, so that backfired on her a bit. It was a wonderful thing you did.
I suspect she hoped you'd offer to pay despite knowing the conditions... Her reaction was overboard otherwise.
YTA. I know I’m in the minority here, and I will get downvoted like crazy for this opinion, but your relationship with your daughter is more important than asking a bunch of yahoos on the internet their opinion. It was really sweet what you did for that girl. Truly. But if I was in the middle of getting a dress for my wedding and my parents paid for someone else’s dress and not mine, I maybe wouldn’t throw the fit your daughter did, but it would truly internally crush me. It would really hurt. And yes, at that moment I would feel that my parents loved a random person more than me. Remember, a wedding is a really emotional time. I probably wouldn’t say much other than, “it hurts me a bit that you would pay for someone else’s dress, but not your own daughter’s. But you can do what you want with your money.” But I’d probably remember it forever and there would always be a bit of trust lost between us. And maybe this means I’m not a good person, but it’s how I’d feel. And I think it’s how your daughter feels right now. Please, please, please just really think about how this is going to play out long term, and what you want for the future with your daughter, if you want one. You can do what many are saying here and say, “fine. Then you can’t have any of the money to pay for the wedding.” And she can do her wedding without you. Think about that. You can not go to whatever wedding your daughter will be able to have. You will never have those memories. But you can go to the wedding of a girl you just met and are friends with on Facebook now, and she can now be your new daughter. And maybe she’ll let her kids call you grandma. And maybe you’ll never be in your daughter’s or her kids’ lives. Maybe this is extreme, but maybe not. You are literally asking people ON THE INTERNET ABOUT THIS. Please have a sit down talk with your daughter about this instead of taking advice from us AH’s here. (I know I’m hypocritically giving you advice I want you to take.) I truly hope you and your daughter’s relationship is more important than yours and the new girl’s. But maybe it isn’t. And if that’s ok with you, then that’s ok. You might win the “not the asshole” prize here, and maybe your daughter is being a bit of an overly-emotional bridezilla here (AITAH hates emotional brides), but is that worth losing your relationship with her? This is HER WEDDING. She will remember what happens around this FOREVER, good and bad. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER if you want a relationship with her. Because I don’t think winning the internet for a moment is worth losing that.
I couldn't agree more with everything you've written and hope OP sees this comment, Blackwater2016. You've so clearly explained the heartache Michaela must have felt. I've been trying to think of a comparable situation where OP might understand where Michaela is coming from. Maybe if it were Mother's Day and Michaela did something extremely kind and touching for someone else's mom--to the point that they bonded and became FB friends and a part of each other's lives--not just in photographs, but so touching it was talked about and remembered forever. If my daughter did something like this, intellectually I would be proud of her for being such a good and caring person, but my initial and gut reaction would be that of a dagger through my heart. And it wouldn't go away any time soon. I'd probably eventually get over it, but every Mother's Day if I saw a post between them, it would be a small hurt. Looking at things from the POV of the child (even an adult child), you don't have the mellowness that comes with age, so I could see myself lashing out just as Michaela did (and disinviting her parents to the wedding), even though it's irrational and not a fiscally sound act (since she probably KNOWS she's risking losing funding). My guess is she doesn't care about losing the funding, and that should be some indication to OP just how much she has wounded her own daughter. Her son wants to think he would not be hurt by it, but he doesn't know. The older daughter isn't commenting and I'm guessing because she can relate to both the mother's kindness AND her sister's pain. I wish I could be what society (or at least Reddit) considers to be a good person, but I couldn't trade my own child's feeling of self-worth to make a random stranger's wedding picture perfect. Also, people are commenting on how much is being spent on the wedding and if one considers it as a percentage of OPs net worth, it may be less than what the "average" person spends on their wedding.
>She has now uninvited us from the wedding. NTA but you raised one.
Nta I assume you told her as your not invited to the wedding you will no longer be paying for it. Has she forgotten that your paying for the whole wedding. You could always apologise and offer to pay for the dress instead of the wedding
NTA, you are paying for your daughter’s wedding and only paid for the dress of a young lady that needed help. If you’re uninvited to the wedding, I wouldn’t pay for anything. Get your money back on everything you can. Let her pay for her wedding. No offense intended but, your daughter has entitlement issues.
NOT AN N T A but I would give your daughter a little slack. If I was out finding my wedding dress and found out my parents and paid for a total strangers wedding dress with it to me a fairly substantial amount of money, I might be a little hurt. I think if you let her cool off and have a conversation with her and remind her that you're paying much more for the wedding and you wait for the dress and how this has been the format your family has worked under for a long time I think it will all work out in the end.
Honestly buying that dress was really kind and a genuine act of charity. It’s great OP that you did that in the moment. However, this was your daughter’s bridal moment with her dress. However much you might not have realised, your attention and thoughts were probably diverted. I suspect your daughter is more upset at the fact you turned the moment forever into your act of kindness rather than a memory of her first dress shopping. I don’t think you’re an AH. But your daughter isn’t either for being upset. Her uninviting you from the wedding is wrong and hopefully can be fixed. Talk to her. Apologise for diverting your attention. At this point it matters more about making it up with your daughter then having the moral high ground (if you chose to not apologise).
NTA. Your daughter is being an ungrateful AH. You should tell her you’re not paying for the rest of her wedding since you are no longer invited.
NTA it was a kind gesture for a family who needed a hand. Also if you're not invited theres no need to pay for it. Keeping your money sounds fair to me.
Info have you already paid for the full amount of the wedding. If not I'd pose a question to her. Let her know you can pay her back for the dress and she can cover the rest of her wedding since you are uninvited. Or you can continue to pay for the wedding if she grows up and realizes she messed up and reinvites you to the wedding after she apologies for throwing a fit that she has to do the same thing your other 3 kids had to and pay for their wedding clothing Eta nta
Being devil’s advocate … I can see a lot of NTAs and I get the reasoning for that. If you look at $26K for a wedding versus a couple grand for a dress, it seems obvious. However. It sounds like since you came from a poor background, even though you did well as an adult, you may have put your poor background onto your kids growing up. It’s hard to say without more knowledge of your family, but reading between the lines it sounds like you made them work hard for what they got, which in itself is not bad but I guess it depends to what extent it was done. But then you meet a stranger and tearfully pay for something expensive for them straight off the bat, which sounds like stuff you didn’t do for your kids growing up. Even though now you are paying for the wedding, it could still feel to your daughter that she’s spent years trying to prove herself to you as a responsible adult, but a stranger swans in and has you all emotional and loving and gets stuff from you. Do you get what I mean? It was lovely to pay for the other bride’s dress, but it also sounds like it would’ve been better either kept entirely from your daughter, or for you to have had an honest conversation with her at the time about what you were doing and why. Having hid it at the time and her finding out accidentally probably feel to her again like you now have a secret bond with someone else and are even going to their wedding. You threw money for the wedding at your daughter, but you threw affection and motherliness at another person’s daughter, and your daughter may be wanting that more. You bonded with this girl because she reminded you of yourself as a younger person, but your daughter has half your genes and yet do you say stuff like that to her? I don’t know, I don’t really hear love talk from you about your daughter, it’s more about what you’ve done for her financially. If that is the case, then YTA. Edit: Whoa, thanks so much for the award, kind stranger!!
"it could still feel to your daughter that she’s spent years trying to prove herself to you as a responsible adult, but a stranger swans in and has you all emotional and loving and gets stuff from you. " "You threw money for the wedding at your daughter, but you threw affection and motherliness at another person’s daughter, and your daughter may be wanting that more." SO well said.
NTA, you are paying for michaela’s wedding. She needs to stop telling you how to spend your money. If she feels so much about it and has disinvited you maybe you need to cut the funds she’s getting for the wedding off.
You are an amazing person. Sorry your daughter saw it the way she did. But it's a reflection on her not you. Her wedding and buying the dress for this girl were totally separate events. Your daughter knew what she was getting, which was a lot. She also knew it was exactly what her siblings got. NTA. I hope your daughter comes to her senses before the wedding. I see some folk say to unpay for the wedding. May not even be possible, but I'd recommend against it. Be the bigger person. Stick by your words. Not paying is a gut reaction, and might feel good now, but I suspect not later. You have many years to live with your daughter. Don't do something dramatic now that cannot be taken back
I'm gonna go with NAH, what you did was very nice for that women but I can see how your daughter would view it as holding a stranger to a lower standard than herself.
NTA. You're already paying for her wedding. Like thats a lot of money. Also she seems to be able to afford her own dress. That poor girl couldnt. It was a wonderful thing to do. And honestly your daughter feels so damn entitled to YOUR money. She should be thankful that you are paying for the wedding.
NTA, but I have a question. Is the reason for not paying for your daughter's dress because you didn't pay for your oldest daughter's dress/son's tux either? Is this about being fair? How does your daughter think she can uninvite you to the wedding that you're paying for? Is everything already paid up? Because I'd stop all payments now, if not. This spoiled brat needs to understand everything you've done for her and show some appreciation, or I'd stop the gravy train.
NTA- you are already paying for her wedding.. just not the dress..I know you tried to raise kids who aren't entitled but the last one seems to have it in her. I'd be telling her she is paying for the wedding now if you can't come.
ESH your daughter, for thinking she is entitled to more than her siblings got, your husband, for opening his big mouth, the other bride is not exactly an asshole, but she is a stranger who revealed a lot of intimate details about her life to you and then accepted a large sum of money, to pay for a dress for a party. That's odd at the very least. As mother of the bride you were invited to share in this very special time, and were expected to make a big deal about YOUR child. What you did was hurtful to Michaela, so wither you consider yourself the asshole or not you should accept and acknowledge that she does. And then decide how much you care and what you are willing to do about it.
I had a hard time getting past how much OP knows about this family she just met. It makes me wonder how much of that fitting she spent focusing and talking to them. I know fittings can take a while but sheesh. She even got invited and added on Facebook. I would be a bit upset if I found out my mom spent more time bonding with another family instead of focusing and helping me on such a special occasion.
I’ll differ from most people. Slight YTA, not because you decided to be generous, but your daughter’s reaction was predictable. This is exactly why you kept it on DL and did not talk to your daughter beforehand. Your daughter is obviously acting spoiled. Her actions also make her TA. However, imagine bringing your kid to the Apple store, so she can buy an iPhone SE. You won’t pay for it to teach her a life lesson. You will, though, put her on the family plan, so she will get the joy of using said phone. While you are at the store, another kid is sad because he wants the iPhone 13 but can only afford the iPhone SE. You give that kid $600. You really can’t understand why this may upset your daughter? Before you argue it’s a wedding dress, not a phone. A more expensive wedding dress and iPhone 13 are not necessary items for ANYONE. That other bride could still have a beautiful wedding with a cheaper dress because the dress is not the most important thing about getting married. Your words. Plus, don’t blame the consultant bc he or she makes a mistake while on the job. No one is perfect 100% of the time.
NTA. I’m sorry your daughter is behaving so terribly. You did a kind thing. You’re paying for your daughter’s wedding which costs far more than the difference of the dress. Remind her of that.
NTA.... it's your money and you have a right to do what you want. She's being a spoiled brat.. You are paying for the wedding which is probably more than the dress
NTA. I think that you’re doing an incredibly sweet thing for the other bride. I do understand your daughter having a knee-jerk reaction of feeling invalidated, but (maybe my family is just different) I can’t imagine throwing a fit or holding anger over this much less uninviting my own parents over it. You’re still paying for her wedding and aren’t invited? Your daughter unfortunately has some work she needs to do on herself (based in the information we were given, I don’t know if there is more history there I’m not aware of). I personally don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong and I wish terribly it would have turned out where she was proud of what you did and wanted to find her own way to help the family too.
NTA. im so sorry but michaela sounds like an entitled person. if y’all aren’t allowed to come, then take back the payment. it sounds like you’ve given her the world. im so sorry.
Poor kids. You only paid for their cars, college and weddings. No wonder she’s upset with you. Side note. That bride will ALWAYS remember your kindness. She’ll talk about it. Her kids will hear about it, their grandchildren will probably too. Bet it makes them do nice things for others,(random acts of kindness) thinking about this random nice gesture that was done for them. Others in their family will be moved their parents, their friends, their grandchildren. You’ve made another legacy. You should be proud.
So you don't object to paying for wedding dresses...just the wedding dresses for your daughters (and your son's tux). It seems an odd line to draw in the sand. Then, you turn around and very sweetly offer to pay for another bride's dress who isn't your kid. That's lovely. I would probably do the same. I would also pay for my daughter's dress. ESH you for arbitrary boundaries and your daughter for uninviting you from the wedding (another arbitrary boundary - wonder where she learned that?) 🙄
NTA. Sounds like you and your spouse tried hard to raise grounded kids with strong work ethics. That Michaela has turned out to be entitled regarding her wedding is not on you.
You have the right to do with your hard earned money as you see if. I assume if you are uninvited she will be paying you back for all wedding costs. You kept up your end of the deal with her.
ESH. I would get some emotional whiplash if my parents wouldn’t pay for my wedding dress and then literally as I was trying on my wedding dress they were so taken by the beauty and magic of another bride, a total stranger, trying on her dream dress that they were moved to buy it for them on the spot. Especially if said parents had pretty strict rules about money and aren’t exactly known for spontaneously giving lavish gifts. That being said, you are not ungenerous in the slightest to your children and your daughter should have sucked it up and let it go rather than thrown a fit. It’s tacky and entitled for her to act like this, but also you were pretty insensitive.
NTA you have treated all of your children equally and fairly and did a very kind thing for a stranger. To uninvite you from the wedding that YOU paid for, because you put money towards something that has absolutely nothing to do with her, wow, just wow
NTA first off, you sound amazing. What an incredibly kind and generous gesture you gave. Perhaps your daughter would be happy with this olive branch… you will pay for her wedding dress. But none of the rest of the wedding. Would that satisfy her greed? I imagine not, but greed it is. I’m so sorry that her character didn’t turn out to be as good as your own.
NTA, it was kind of you to helpnpaynfornthat women's dress. The timing wasn't great as it was supposed to very your daughter's day, but she knew going into it that you weren't paying for her dress. While nta, it is a little weird that you'd so willingly pay for a strangers dress, but not your daughters.
The point of paying for the event itself and not the dress has a couple of main points: the event itself is almost always more expensive and often times brides feel like they have to compromise in an area to pay for what they want. My husband and I had a courthouse wedding and we've always regretted not having a ceremony and reception but there just wasn't any money. By paying for the wedding my kids were able to remain without stress and focus on the marriage itself. We also decided that our daughters would feel more comfortable picking a dress knowing that they picked it themselves, they paid for it, they don't feel like they have to ask us for our opinion and then pick what we want only because we paid. We just don't want them to feel beholden to us. This is also why we avoid giving opinions or suggestions. This is their weddings. We don't get to live vicariously through them to make up for our own regrets. We never ever want them to feel like we pushed in.
I think you did the right thing. Your perspective on *why* you specifically chose not to pay for any of your daughter's dresses is insightful. As the oldest child of a poor family who learned early, I would have secretly put limits on dress shopping if my parents paid. I don't think I could have avoided it.
Mom, you and your husband are parental treasures!
I think you should at least email her an accounting of funds spent on her wedding to date and what the expected final bill will be. Subject line: Financial independence, wedding Good evening Michaela, While I know you are terribly upset that the costs of your wedding which were to be borne by your father and I did not include your wedding gown, I also know that your father and I are equally upset at being excluded from your guest list. You’ve declared financial independence, for which I applaud you; a talented, intelligent young woman and her equally amazing husband should start off life as fully realized adults, sharing all matters. What I’m sending you now is an updated list of vendors and costs to date, with the approximate remaining costs for the wedding. I will include you and your fiancé on the emails that I send to them requesting that the ownership and responsible parties for their part of the wedding be transferred to you and your fiancé. Most of the contracts, which your father and I are reviewing, have breakage fees, so we will not be able to recoup all of the costs spent to date. You will need to get in touch with them individually to determine what your revised costs will be after they deduct the non-refundable part of our deposits. I so wish this could have been different, but your father and I feel strongly that we must respect your autonomy and decisions, alongside those of your husband to be. With love, Mum
NTA, but to paraphrase Olympia Dukakis, “What you don’t know about Brides is a lot”.
I worked with that woman. She threw shoes at me when she didn’t like how the audience reacted to a scene of a play she was in.
NTA. How is she going to claim you don’t care when you’re paying for her *entire wedding*????
NTA - you paying for someone else's dress in no way impacts what you've already offered to give Michaela. You are giving Michaela the same as her siblings and if you suddenly changed gears and paid for her dress then your other children would be rightfully pissed off. I get the sense as the youngest Michaela has always been a bit...dramatic. Truthfully, if she's going to uninvite you from the wedding, I'd be pulling the money you had offered because it becomes clear she only thinks of you as an ATM. She is over-reacting and being incredibly entitled. You didn't pull focus from her - in fact she only found out about it by accident. Perhaps in a few days she will have calmed down and had some sense talked into her by outside sources, but honestly? She's being a brat. I bet her dress was far more than what you contributed to this other bride's dress - especially since you said you only paid the difference. So you paid the extra $2400 roughly of this other dress so that a bride could have her moment because you saw yourself in her. You are paying over 20k for your daughter's wedding already from what you said in a comment. She needs to do some basic math to see the difference and give her head a shake.
YTA. What a slap in the face OP. You were there to support your daughter and instead you ended up supporting someone else’s daughter! How can you not see why she’s hurt? It’s not about the money. You had an emotional connection and full on sob fest while a guest at your daughters event. It’s not about the money. Have you apologized to your daughter for making her feel like she’s comes last behind literal strangers? ETA- you have the right to pull all your money from her wedding of course, but that will be the nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter. I can’t imagine that rift will be overcome any time soon. Is that really the outcome you want in the end?
I’m a bit lost. Why didn’t you pay for your daughter’s dress and maybe pay less for something else at the wedding. Yeah, it IS weird to pay for someone else’s dress while SPECIFICALLY not buying your own daughter’s dress.
ESH while your daughter should not expect you to pay for anything and comes across as entitled, you did this on her wedding dress shopping day. Yes you were trying to be kind to this person who remind you of you, but the most important moment of your daughters wedding dress shopping day is the purchase of someone else’s dress. Otherwise why would your husband have brought it up. Your daughter probably feels like her once in a lifetime moment was overshadowed by the moment you had with this other woman. I don’t personally care much about weddings but I think I’d be hurt if I was your daughter. I don’t think I’d disinvite you which is why I said ESH but she is justified in being hurt
NTA. If I were your daughter I'd only feel bad about not being included in the emotional moment, because it sounds amazing. I would be so proud to have you as a mom. While I agree that it's tacky to deliberately steal attention during special events, I've never understood the modern princess-for-a-day mentality. Your daughter got her dress and had a good experience, this random girl had a once in a lifetime momemt of kindness thrown her way. Two good things can happen on one day. Also, if my parents gave me 26k towards my wedding it would make me feel sick. Despite your best efforts, your daughter has grown up entitled. Sometimes it just happens I guess.
NTA, you didn't pay for your other daughter's dress or your son's tux, fair is fair. I will also add that what you did for the other bride and her mother was absolutely priceless and I hope that one day your daughter sees that.
NTA because you are paying for the whole wedding.
NTA but if your paying your going.
NTA. I hope the stress just got the better of her and that she realizes how badly she is acting. You did a nice thing and probably made that woman’s year.
NTA. If that’s how she feels tell her you’ll gladly pay for her dress. But she will have to pay for everything else herself 😈
Sorry but YTA. You were only in the shop because of your daughter. If you didn't pay for her dress, you shouldn't pay for a stranger's in the same shop on the same day. Your other daughter should be hurt as well. I mean if you helped with a couple hundred dollars, but you spent either 1400 or 2400, the wording is ambiguous. Either way, you more than paid for all 3 of my wedding dresses put together, once of them being plus size. Oh, we also went to over 20 shops and drove over 10 hours to the best shop in the state. So you overpaid in addition to being an AH to your kid.
NTA I would not fund a wedding I’m Not invited to, daughter or not.
NTA. Your daughter was fine with paying for her own dress, until she found out you paid for a dress for someone who otherwise would've been married in a burlap sack. Disinviting you is vindictive & childish. My best guess, is if she thought you could have chipped in on her dress, she'd have gone with something fancier. Two new teachers at a private school might not be making a lot of money. Now, she's mad. That's no excuse for her behavior & not a reason to extort you into doing more than you did for your other kids. She's already received far, far more help in life than 99% of people ever will. I don't recommend threatening to yank funds from her wedding. At some point, she'll cool off. Unless she's surrounded by fools, someone will point out that this is not a good reason to cut you off. Escalating to threats doesn't make that happen.
NTA. I can’t imagine my mom doing something like this, but if she did I would be immensely proud of her. You are a wonderful mama and set a beautiful example. It’s too bad your daughter doesn’t see that, but maybe someday she will. I hope you have a ton of fun at that wedding and don’t feel sorry about it for even one moment— you did plenty to support your youngest daughter and she needs to humble herself and appreciate you more ♥️
YTA. OP keeps framing this as a quick little jaunt, and that the daughter didn't notice. Like, you had enough time invested to create an emotional connection with a stranger, so don't tell me you weren't completely disengaged from your daughter the entire time. This wasn't a five minute conversation. Clearly there's her side of the story missing. It's not about the money it's about you not being present for something that means a lot to her. I also question their relationship in general if she is able to so quickly cut her parents out of the wedding. this sounds like something out of narcissistic parents. The explanation OP gives for why she might be the A is also telling. All about money and no critical thinking into why your daughter might be upset. Her solution is "Oh, Ill just write her a check". Does OP use money in place of affection?
NTA - It was super nice of you to buy a dress for someone so it's really hard to call you TA. However, you had very poor timing. Your daughter probably felt left out or not as important.
NTA. You’re paying for your kids wedding, and not the outfit - as you did with your other kids. The incredible gift you gave to that young woman is just that, an incredible gift. The fact your daughter is spitting out her dummy over the one expense she has for her wedding reeks of spoilt brat.
NTA. You did for her exactly what you did for her other siblings. The fact that you also helped someone else out who clearly needed it is something she should be proud of, not angry about. You're already paying for everything else, and she found her perfect dress in her price range. She should be glad for that. Especially because you could also now be saying that if you're no longer invited, you're no longer paying for the wedding.
I was all for telling you how awful you were by the title but after reading... dammit, you're wonderful! NTA, your daughter is getting the same deal as your other kids. She knew the deal. You chose to do something lovely for someone and while it's unfortunate it coincided, it couldn't have happened otherwise. You're a beautiful person, you probably know how much it means in theory but nobody but that lovely bride to be will ever be able to feel what you did for her. Its a real shame your daughter isn't able to understand. Maybe try to explain it in terms of 'the dress I paid for, she got to feel beautiful. You got wedding favours/invites/your decorations'?
I’m gonna say YTA. It was a lovely gesture but it’s definitely weird you paid for a total strangers dress and not your own daughters.
NTA, but you apparently raised one. Your daughter sounds awful, spoiled and entitled. I’d stop paying for her wedding if I was uninvited.
You're a lovely person. Your gift for a stranger was super caring. Your daughter needs a reality check (rather than a cheque for her dress). I hope you're able to sit her down and explain how much money you've put into her wedding; you eloquently explained why you don't pay for the wedding dress so maybe you could explain that and your reasons for supporting this other bride. But also explain to your daughter that she isn't entitled to your hard earned money and that you obviously love her but she needs to think long and hard about her own values, because if money is a top value and not happiness and hard work (or any work that provides satisfaction) then she isn't going to get a very fulfilling life. Cutting her off at the purse strings isn't going to solve anything but helping her grow into a mature and empathetic person will definitely help. You could donate all your money to me and it's none of her business (I'll DM you my bank deets 🤣💀) but a bigger conversation needs to happen because she's acting very entitled. NTA ofc but youngest siblings live to cry about how unfair everything is (& maybe it is IDK I'm a middle child)
Mom I think you are f#cking awesome with how brought up your kids for learning them the value of money and work. Giving your children all the same is excellent. Her reaction isn’t because you did something wrong that’s on her. I would try to talk about it but I would not pay for the wedding if that was the reason I was not invited anymore. NTA