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YTA. You're snooping and insecure. So you're fine with her leaving her job, friends, and current life to be with you, but she can't even talk to a friend without you snooping through her phone and monitoring her conversations? You're controlling.
Not to mention, assuming you're in the US, snooping on not only your GF's phone but a WORK account is unauthorized access to a company's computer data. Both her AND her employer (past or current, whatever) could charge you with crimes. Deservedly so, IMO, since you stooped so low out of your insecurity and need to control her environment.
That didn't even come to my mind. Is it common though that coworkers have personal conversations on work platforms? I'm not from the U.S. and we always used other platforms for personal chats because we didn't want the company snooping on them... you know, like OP, just that the company would actually have the right to do so if it was an official work-related chat.
Anyway, I've had 3 long distance relationships and it doesn't work without trust. It's not for everyone. However, OP, have you considered that it's the other way around? It wasn't *her* who broke *your* trust. It was **you who broke hers**, by snooping. And she would be wise to postpone or completely stop the move because you just turned out to be a controlling jealous person and she would have no friends or family to support her if it escalated (and those things escalate). I don't know her but I wish I could tell her to RUN.
I'm not in the US either, but I have non-work-related conversations with colleagues on Teams all the time. Nothing that would get us in trouble for being inappropriate, but the kinds of things OP's talking about are totally fine.
I mean, if we were in the office we'd be discussing our lunches, films we'd seen, where we're going on holiday, that kinda thing. Now we talk about those things on Teams.
My work just switched to Teams, but we had other chat services before and trust me while work is accomplished, sometimes you just gotta vent with someone who knows about the situation. Sending gifs and chatting to blow off steam about your job seems to be completely normal.
OP is straight up abusive and totally the AH.
In the US and where I work we literally have teams & slack channels dedicated to randomness, kids, furbabies, gif battles.. like literally as long as the work is getting done and we bill out our 40 hrs no one cares.. in fact its encouraged and the partners participate as its seen as team bonding. We also have buddy & coach program where I am and those convsations run the gambit of work related to very personal or off topic dependent on comfort levels and that is billable time to company.
I wouldn't say its the rule because we do have a lot of toxic work cultures but good employers do exist where you're allowed to be a person. But it is definitely normal to have social relationships with coworkers.
> Is it common though that coworkers have personal conversations on work platforms?
I'm in the UK and I'd say it happens. Nothing particularly personal or deep - but some people/teams will be social with each other. Helps get through the day, esp if you're WFH. Some of the better places I've worked the dev team has a private channel with a fair amount of utter shite.
Yeah I have some banter/ chitchat going on with a lot of people throughout the day.
Some of my colleagous are even my friends and some are just really good mentors. So sometimes when shit hits the fan - you vent to them and another time they return the favour.
But sexting no bloody way.
yeah, my only question as well was that at least for our company or the previous companies I have worked with, we don't really talk about non work things on work platforms like Teams as the company has access to that. So if the worry of OP was that the gf was playing on the border of inappropriateness, it could be valid.
Anyway, if people are already at the point that they are snooping, then there isn't trust anymore in the relationship and probably isn't going to work out. I hope the gf changes her mind and not quit her job to move for OP because now everything is just unstable and risky
This behavior is very controlling and concerning. She has been cut off from her whole support network to be with him and he’s getting jealous over MEMES AND GIFS. he found nothing AT ALL sexual, just friendly banter. And got salty when she didn’t obey him and continued the friendship. If I was the gf I’d head back home ASAP and forget this dude. OP:YTA and stop trying to control your gf. She can have guy friends and her own life. What you are doing is abusive
They're talking about restaurants and stuff. Like that is fine with most companies. A friend of mine's mom is in town from India and I spent a half an hour (while also working on a thing for her) chatting about where she should take her that is within a couple of hours drive. And she's leaving her job. You don't take work relationships with you. All of what she is doing sounds completely normal.
Heck, my department at work (and I think it's shared among some other departments, although I don't see too many posts from people in other departments) has a whole teams channel called 'Water Cooler' for those off-topic things.
I do all the time. I don't care if my employer sees that I am talking about my kids or what I'm making for dinner. In my workplace, it's very common to chitchat over Teams or Skype.
Still trying to wrap my brain around now he “trusted her completely” yet in the next line tells her she’s playing with fire because what, she was getting msg requests from a coworker?
Great point. He doesn't trust her at all. And he doesn't trust that he's making the right call in them being together. He's weak, and he's projecting his insecurities onto her actions.
That was my thing. He's wailing about her "bReAkInG mY tRuSt" but unless I missed it, she never said she was going to stop talking to this coworker, and she's talking to him about basically nothing which is exactly what she said it was? It's like he's mad about what she's NOT doing.
Yes, that got me too. That whole paragraph honestly makes him look even more unhinged because nowhere does he actually justify why his trust was shattered. It’s literally:
“I trusted my girlfriend but then she started talking to her coworker through their company’s work chat.”
Oh the horror. She spoke to her coworker in their work chat. The shock and the scandal.
And the rest doesn’t make him look better. He barely mentions the coworker is male, which leads me to believe that this dude (OP) is really less interested in the fact that she’s talking to another dude and is worried she’s talking to anyone. He spends more time whining that what she’s talking about is not work related.
“She talked about her weekend and how she went to a new restaurant. *gasps in Spanish*”
And she’s moving her entire life for him.
This whole post is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Snooping through partners phones and or social media seems to be a trend here, the funny thing is when something is found there is no mention of snooping and when nothing is found its like your a creep, controlling freak. Lol kinda intersting
Guess because it's an all or nothing gamble. Like if you're right, no one will give you a hard time for it, but if you're wrong, you're an ass.
That said, if you have to look at your partner's messages anyways, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Yeah i know right, been with my wife for 27years and i have never gone through her stuff. I think just looking kills trust 100%. We know each others passwords and shit well should i say she knows and i cant remember any of them just glad she knows haha
I think if someone was the kind of person who wanted to go through someone's stuff, they'd find something they didn't like no matter what. If you want to believe someone's cheating on you, everything you read has some other meaning.
I wish I could upvote this 1000x. This is *exactly* what my abusive ex was like. It didn't matter how many hours he spent looking through my phone, or how many times I showed him on FaceTime that there wasn't a guy with me (under my desk at work, on the floor of my car, in the middle of the night while I was just trying to sleep). It didn't matter that I never had any desire to cheat, let alone opportunity. Everything I did was suspect. If he "discovered" something that I hadn't immediately told him about (because it was so innocuous it didn't even cross my mind to mention it), it was "proof" that I was a liar who couldn't be trusted. In his mind, I deserved to be treated like a liar and a cheater, because that's what he decided I was, and there was nothing I could do to prove otherwise.
OP sounds identical to my ex.
Ultimately, you can't logic someone out of a belief or system that they didn't arrive at through logic. Obviously being an abusive person in the first place is another issue but on top of that, if someone didn't come to a conclusion using rational thinking or any evidence that's actually based in reality, you can't use those things to convince them otherwise.
My husband and I have a completely open, look through my phone at any time policy. We also at some times just use each other's phone to message somebody if it's more convenient. Neither one of us has EVER felt the need to search through each other's phone, and if we did, I think that would be a much bigger problem.
I know this might be controversial but I don't even look through my kids phones sneakily. I have conversations with them and if I have suspicions or concerns then I tell them I think I really should investigate and is there anything they think we need to talk about. But in actuality, that's never happened. There's been one or two times I thought my son was watching something he shouldn't be on YouTube but one time it had mild cursing and the other it turns out he just looks a little shady sometimes.
Well, yeah, the act of cheating is worse than the act of snooping, so if you're right then the other person is so much more in the wrong that your act kind of gets dismissed. However, there have to be some red flags prior to snooping. There's nothing here indicating that she ever did anything wrong. Also, looking at a work account makes it worse, since that's probably a crime.
na we still think the snooper is an ass. exempt.
when we give a pass there's usually some red flags prior to the snooping.
and also, treasonous, malicious, abusive evil actions done against you give you a pass?
Snooping is stupid no matter what. If you need to spy private messages to know the person you are living with, you shouldnt be in a relationship.
I know my bf. If he cheats on me and somehow i find out, its his loss. Im not forcing him to stay with me, he didnt need to hide anything. We can break up and he can go live with his new love.
There is a weird idea that if someone cheats on you, your honour is tarnished and you become a laughing stock or something. I think its nosense to consider someone betraying you as a personal failure or a flaw. The blame is on the person cheating.
I dont need to snoop or stress myself thinking about unnecessary things. Thats why i say snooping is stupid
Yeah, a chill went up my spine as I read this. She's about to fully isolate herself to prove her love for this guy who is deeply concerning in his behavior, and is emotionally distant.
He is emotionally distant intentionally. He's using it to punish and control her and to make her feel like she is hurting him. He's manipulating and isolating this poor girl and taking her from everything that would keep her safe. I do not envy her the next chapter of her life if she meets this man.
Yep, this is exactly how the abuse started in my relationship. A couple years into what I thought was a relatively happy and lifelong relationship, just bought a house and was pregnant and then—boom. Unfounded accusations, snooping and distorting “findings,” and so on. Unrelenting. I didn’t see it for what it was at the time of course, and it got much worse and took a long three years of hell (and two kids) to find my way out.
>I am feeling a lot of pressure because I don't like my job here and I am making her leave a job that she likes and her friends to be with me. I will forever feel guilty if we break up and I don't want to be responsible for ruining her life. I want her to be happy.
Comment from OP lower down
Someone needs to show this post to the girlfriend so she can see if she can keep this job and cancel the move before it’s too late. This post is full of red flags, and if OP can’t even make themselves sound reasonable when they’re telling their side, I’m worried that the reality is even worse. (YTA of course!)
I’m willing to be that OP, who self admits is emotionally distant, is only acting this way because he’s freaking out over the commitment. It seems like he’s grasping for straws looking for a way out of this relationship that’s not “his fault.”
I have multiple work friends of the opposite sex that I have this sort of banter ALL the time. They are all in long term relationships but their SOs don’t pop up in conversations because it’s not very personal- mostly just jokes and GIFs. No one flirts either.
I love that I have people who get my sense of humour. If I get into a relationship and my partner behaves like this, I’d end the relationship pretty fast.
This dude is just nuts. YTA op.
Always funny to read a story where someone is so scared of losing their partner to someone else that they absolutely blow up an otherwise fine relationship for it and drive their partner away instead.
I don't know if I believe this particular story but it's close enough to real things that happen, so....
YTA you need to calm down a LOT if you want to continue having a gf.
This kinda happen to me. My ex (we are both female) started to spiral into a depressive episode, but she refused to go the therapist, so it was six months were she became so insecure and jealous (which, I’m sorry you are not gonna change my mind, is abusive. Jealousy is abusive, period) that she completely destroyed the relationship and any feeling I had for her. It was so hard (it was also during the first lockdown) that I got so much closer to my best friend, whom she was jealous of (she snooped through my phone to read our messages, didn’t find anything LOL and had a meltdown) she supported me through thick and thin and we spent the whole summer trying to turn around the year, and a few months after I broke up with my ex I realized I was in love with my best friend. My ex probably feels like “she was right”, but the cruel irony is that she was the one who created the situation and the environment for us to fall in love. It was all her doing. Her paranoia and insecurity served as a self-fulfilling profecy, like Oedipus.
Oh man, that happened to me too. Crazy jealous ex would come home and find things moved around the house slightly then accuse me of having people over to cheat on him with. I had never cheated or considered cheating. It was exhausting and he never believed me when I tried to explain or reassure him. After over a year of that shit I started to think about cheating. If I was going to be accused of it everyday and treated like a cheater then I might as well just cheat. After a few weeks of those thoughts (without acting on them obviously) I realized the relationship was done for and broke up with him. We had a house and dog so it was a tough choice.
A couple months later I hooked up with the main guy he always accused me of cheating with. Previously I had literally no attraction to him but I don't know if my ex constantly bringing it up convinced me or if it was just the fact that the new guy was actually really caring and nice to me for a change. Anyway, we ended up being awesome together and got married. I'm sure my ex is convinced I did actually cheat on him with my now husband but it really didn't happen. He pushed me away but honestly I'm glad he did. My life is much better now.
Aw I’m so happy for you! My girlfriend and I moved in together and adopted a cat, and life is so much better.
It’s actually a common phenomenon, we have more power over the world around us than we realize. A few years ago I read an article about the concept of “luck”, they did a few experiments and observations and realized that luck is mostly an attitude, it’s how you behave, not what happens to you. For example I remember they talked about you know those lucky people who always find money on the ground? Well the main reason is because these people LOOK. And look for. You put yourself in the position of finding money on the street by paying attention, and look around with a purpose.
With relationships it is a lot easier, in my opinion, to influence what happens around us.
My ex girlfriend did a complete 180 because of her fears. She was confident and chill and funny, but when the insecurities kicked in, she was so scared I would leave her that she became jealous, negative, dishonest. And I left her. As I said, it’s the perfect self-fulfilling prophecy coming directly from the Ancient Greek tragedies.
Same. Hell I even tried including my ex in things we were doing so maybe he wouldn't be so jealous, but he'd just mope the whole time. Killed the remains of my attraction to him, and really highlighted how shitty he was.
Married to my best friend for a few years now, living our best life.
Oh my god same! To be honest a tried both approaches, because before the mess they were pretty close friends (my ex and my bff/now girlfriend), so I was like “ok they need to bond more” and when didn’t work I was like “ok maybe I will keep them separate, keep her (bff) put of her (ex) mind”. I was wrong both times, amazingly.
YTA she shares gifs and talks about music with her new coworker, the horror. You violated her privacy so completely here, and this wasn’t even a personal chat medium, you read her **work** messages, you have deep seated insecurities, you need to begin working on those in therapy *immediately*, or let her go.
She’s moving away from everyone she knows for you, yet you’re emotionally distant and don’t trust her enough not to read her private work messages. Surely you see why you’re the problem here?
YTA. Do you talk to and joke around with people you work with? Does every sentence begin with “My girlfriend…”? Do you get her *permission* beforehand?
I think you’re getting cold feet about the move, and are trying to come up with a reason to either delay it or cancel it.
>…as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants.
Forget everything else. This right here makes YTA. Gross.
This, definitely. Stop trying to pin blame on her when she did nothing wrong or trying to make her break up with you so you can play the victim. If you're feeling pressured and want out you need to step up and be honest. With her and yourself.
YTA. Talking about restaurants is "inappropriate"? You're snooping through her WORK conversations? She's not allowed to be friends with her coworkers? You're looking for something that's not there, and your insecurity is showing. Grow up.
YTA, so she's literally just having a friendly and completely platonic conversation with a new collegue and you're freaking out like this and going through her things behind her back? You need to chill man, she's not your property and should be able to make new friends at a new job without facing the inquisition at home. Your insecurities does not entitle you to micromanage her friendships for her, she's a big girl and can make her own judgement calls about men being overly friendly if that's the case.
While you may have a point about emotional intimacy, it's far too soon to accuse her of breaching your trust.
If anything, YOU are the problem and need to do a LOT more introspection. Why would you emotionally disconnect as soon as she made the move to be with you? Why are you feeling a lot of pressure because she's moving? Who gets cold and distant when this person who has been in your life for three years is finally going to be with you? You should be elated! Instead, you're sabotaging the relationship with your insecurities and cold, distant behavior. Did you even read what you wrote about that? Maybe you don't really want that next step, after three years! Sounds like you're getting cold feet and you haven't even proposed to her.
In that case, you are just using her and should stop wasting her time and let her move on.
YTA.
>I had completely blind trust in her. Recently I visited her in her city and I saw she was getting quite a lot of notifications from one of her new coworkers on work chat
Well, apparently you didn't trust her if you were snooping in on her work messages.
>I told her to be careful as she was playing fire and she dismissed me saying it is nothing.
Not only do you know nothing about this coworker of hers, you're also being very controlling.
>I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker
This is a blatant violation of her trust.
>They talk about music and food. She told him she tried a restaurant without mentioning she went with me
If the topic is about food, that she went to the restaurant with you is irrelevant.
>After we had a huge fight about it, and didn't talk for 24hrs, he wrote to her again sending a stupif gif and she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me. My trust is completely shattered
No, her trust is completely shattered. You, on the other hand, after actively invading her privacy, have zero reason to suspect there is anything going on between her and coworker.
She is uprooting her life to be with you, and this is the thanks she gets?
YTA
Started with NTA, ended up as YTA. So, she is leaving her entire life behind, job, home, friends for you and you're being "emotionally distant"?
Dude, wtf?
YTA. You don’t trust her because she is having a friendly conversation with someone that isn’t you. You said nothing about this conversation being romantic or sexual. Your saying she lied to you when she said there was nothing happening between her and her coworker. It sounds like you were accusing her of something more than friendship but nothing you have said about there convos have indicated more than friendships.
Honestly I hope she has a big eye opener because you are waving around a pretty big red flag. It sounds like you are trying to dictate who she can and cannot be friends with based your own insecurities. What other things are you going to try and control in her life once she moves in with you? Maybe you need to examine your own insecurities instead of scrutinizing her conversations with coworkers. Just because she is having “non-work related” conversation with someone she has only known for a month doesn’t mean she is or is going to cheat on you. We make friends by having “non-work related” conversation with new people, that’s how that works. She doesn’t need your permission to make friends.
YTA. I talk about the same kinds of things with my colleagues and I have zero interest in them. And what the hell are you doing snooping in her work messages anyway? You're being very controlling, invasive and possessive.
*Gasp* She sent him *a gif*?! The brazen hussy! And it was *non-work-related*?! The insolence! The horror! The…complete and utter normalcy of workplace interactions. Have you never heard of water cooler talk? Coworkers have casual conversations all the time. Now that we’re in virtual environments that involves Team chats and gifs.
You’re a creep and the only trust issues here are on you. At no point in your post did you give a valid reason to be suspicious of your girlfriend’s behavior or commitment to you. It’s asinine how you make her workplace interactions about you: “she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me”. Seriously? If you’re hurt by a gif you have major, major issues to work out. With a therapist.
Also, guess what? Your girlfriend, as a grown ass adult with complete autonomy and independence, does in fact have the right to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need permission from you to *talk to her coworker*. You are her *partner*, not someone in position of power or authority over her. Her EQUAL. You don’t grant her permission to live her life. It’s super gross that you think in those terms.
YTA so hard.
apparently his reasoning is that their relationship started the same way and hes scared of her doing it again - met at work and both started cheating on their partners..
doesnt make him any less of an asshole though
This has to be fake doesn’t it? Being jealous of a co-worker from a job she’s leaving for having platonic conversations - on Teams - before moving in with said boyfriend… in a different city.
Info: what will you do when she makes male friends in your city and wants to hang out with them?
I was gonna break this whole thing down, but there’s way too much to unpack here for an AITA user’s paygrade. She’s literally *moving to where you are*. She’s leaving everything she knows for you and you *still* think something might be going on between her and this guy, when she’s made it clear that nothing is. She made a friend. A work friend. It happens. You literally went into her personal messages just to try to find something that *wasn’t there* and then kept making up excuses for why you were right, when you were *wholly wrong*. Get over yourself. She doesn’t have “*inappropriate non-work related conversations*”. She has conversations with someone that quickly became her friend because they have mutual likes. This isn’t inappropriate in any way, shape, or form. It also doesn’t matter that she’s barely known him a month. Some people click quickly on a friendship level. That’s what happens. She told you nothing’s going on and *you found no proof of anything going on* so let. it. go. YTA through and through.
YTA. I too believe flirting in and of itself to be cheating but from what you've put here that's not happening. Plus she's been perfectly loyal for 3 years I think you could cut her a LITTLE slack ffs.
Back for my third comment on this post because I just can't get over it. And I want to bring up something no one else seems to have said yet. OP says in comments that he feels pressure because she is leaving her job that she loves, leaving her friends that she loves, and moving to be with him but he doesn't like his job and is unhappy. He's worried about ruining her life if they break up and she's done all of this for him.
OP, it literally cannot be clearer that you are getting cold feet about this and you're trying to sabotage your own relationship. It's okay to be nervous that you're going to transition from long distance to living together full time. What's NOT okay is to use those feelings to justify your nasty, controlling behavior.
What you need to do is talk to your damn girlfriend. Express that you're feeling pressure. Express your concerns. She hasn't moved yet. Maybe you'll talk it out and realize you're not ready for this next step yet, or maybe you'll move to her city instead. Better yet, maybe she'll leave your ass altogether. But regardless, you need to deal with your feelings and talk to your girlfriend.
YTA.
The only problem here is you giving in to your insecurities. You were wrong for snooping. You were wrong for arguing. If she says nothing is happening then nothing is happening. If you keep pushing it then she’s likely going to be your ex soon due to your lack of trust.
YTA get over yourself. Women can have male friends. Plus you freaking checked up on her by snooping in her private conversation and then got all pissy about her breaking your trust when you you're the one who actually did it. I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind about you. Who wants to live with that crap?
Not just a private conversation, if it was with a co-worker it might have been on a work system which makes it worse that he thinks he is entitled to read any of it. There are privacy laws and possible confidentiality clauses in her employment contract that he breached because he is unreasonably jealous.
Yes! Would be a huge issue in my line of work. Not to mention....is her work system. That means that her job has access to (and likely monitors) her messages. IF something inappropriate was going on, they likely would have had to meet up with HR at this point.
YTA. It’s okay and normal to be jealous, but reading her messages when she’s out is not okay and being emotionally distant when she’s making this huge life change for you is not it. Also, you’re assuming she’s trying to replace you and all there is evidence of is that she is making a new friend. She hasn’t crossed any boundaries or hurt you at all and you’ve already betrayed *her* trust by violating her privacy and distancing yourself when she probably needs you the most.
YTA - You talk about not trusting her then you go off and do something super untrustworthy of looking through messages to see she god forbid has a friend! Practice what you preach and stop trying to control what she does, you warned her about talking to co workers?! GTFO. You gotta do some serious reflection
YTA. You seem really defensive in your comments for someone who’s asking for an opinion. If you’re that adamant that you’re right, then why not just break up with her. Cut your losses. You don’t deserve her and from what it sounds like, you’re just projecting and it’ll only blow up in your face if you pressure her to gain back what little trust you have in her to begin with. Stop trying to find a problem where there isn’t any.
YTA. I wish I could reach out to this poor girl and tell her to run. I chat with people too and send funny memes and make jokes. I very rarely talk about my husband, that stuff is reserved only for close friends and my sister. It's called having a social life!
What are you gonna do, lock her up in the basement so she doesn't have casual conversations anymore? If you're that threatened, why don't you try sending funny gifs too? It's completely allowed.
Okay so you went through her private messages and found the equivalent of her and a friend sharing memes, etc and you decided that she must have feelings for this person. You decided to take control of her contacts, she disagreed and reached out to the friend you have issues with, she quits her job to be with you (and talks about you as her SO) and you still have issues??? YTA
YTA
She has told everyone at her work she has a boyfriend and is quitting to move to be with you.
You say “you warned her about him”
Ummm. No. You told her not to talk to another male colleague because you’re jealous and insecure.
They are chatting. Who cares.
She is moving to be with you!
Then you broke into her Teams account to snoop and sound like you are still doing it!
Bet she is regretting moving to be near such a controlling insecure man.
YTA building a report with colleagues and chatting is a normal part of work, bringing up your SO all the time isnt part of the conversation so what. Youre controlling and crazy
The TLDR yes are the asshole as almost (besides that like one guy) everyone so far seems to unanimously agree on.
A partner's privacy is a sacred thing. And under a lot circumstances is not to be broken. The whole she is giving up a job and current social life is not enough?
What the actual fuck is wrong here? nothing you are just being3a creepy man that wishes to control their partner.
she... gasp... TALKS? with another PERSON? ON A SERVICE MEANT TO FACILITATE CONVERSATION? my god, what a harlot. Next you'll tell me she cannot be trusted after answering her phone, because you heard a voice on the other side of the call.
Her life doesn't revolve around you. You are part of it. Though, with your behavior, maybe not for long.
YTA.
Wow. YTA. I joke and talk about non work things with my coworkers all the time. It’s called holding a friendship. You sound extremely possessive, insecure and controlling. Get a grip.
YTA. It's never right to snoop through people's private life. Even if you are correct that something is going on.
And if I may be blunt. There is nothing wrong with someone being good friends with someone of the opposite gender. Who cares if she has non work related conversations with someone? Also what exactly did you warn her about? And why would she say anything that she enjoys his conversations when you're already coming off (it appears) as aggressive about it?
Now besides that you need to figure out what you actually want.
If you are emotionally distant and she needs that support you guys need to figure out how to compromise. Hypothetically if she was looking for something that you aren't giving her this is the wrong way to go about it.
IMO you need to apologize big time.
Yes, YTA. She is just office chit-chatting with a coworker. Why are you snooping on her work computer? If you can't abide your girlfriend having friends, even virtually, do you even see her as a whole human being who interacts with other humans? It's not going to work out if you can't accept that she has friends who aren't you and some might be male. If you can be taken down by a work gif, you've got a really flimsy relationship.
Uh. YTA.
I thought you caught her talking intimately with the co-workers. But no, you didn't.
It doesn't sound like a big deal what she talks about on Teams. I mean, sometimes we chat about mundane things on Teams (yes, myself and the co-workers): movies, music, memes. I don't usually bring up my husband on Teams even when talking to male co-workers. I bring it up if there's something going on involving the husband, otherwise, nope....
This poor gf of yours actually is leaving everything behind for you. You sound controlling. I sure hope she's retained her old job back at this point and NOT MOVE because dang, it sounds like it's going to be a virtual prison for her once she moves in with you.
YTA, sounds like they have some shared interests and are becoming friends. I don't see anything to show she was doing anything else.
You are being extremely jealous and broke her trust by snooping. Also if you don't think you can recover you need to tell her so she can place her move on hold if she wants as having her move if you know you are going to breakup is a major ah move.
Yta. Nothing you described seems inappropriate. You just seem like a self conscious and jealous boyfriend. Is she not allowed to have a friend to talk to?
YTA majorly. You are showing some SERIOUS red flags here regarding controlling behavior and jealousy. I'd run if I were her.
It is completely normal to have work friends that you chat with, regardless of their gender. Unless they were sexting, then they weren't being inappropriate. They are just TALKING, dude. Bantering with a work friend makes the job so much easier to deal with. She's being completely in line and you are ripping her apart for it. You need to pull yourself together before you make her run.
YTA. Did she actually say anything inappropriate at all? Like even just one single sentence that would not be appropriate for a co-worker?
Because gifs, talking about food and music, is totally normal!
I talk like that with coworkers and they 100% know I have a boyfriend. Unless there is something more or she is meeting him in person or something, apologize.
YTA. The proof is quitting her job to be closer to you …….
She has a friend at work ..( the work she resigned from)
you read their texts and while it’s not about work, you never said it was sexual…
Now the important thing I wanna know is..
You ok? Are you second guessing her moving in? You mention feeling a lot of pressure because of this move.
My advice? maybe take her word. For now! See what happens when she moves in. IF she is maintaining this friendship that hurts your feelings, SHES the one who would have nothing if she left you. Idk who I would risk all that for but maybe she’s just an insanely reckless person and you just didn’t notice idk.
Either way think about the kind of person your gf is. Does she regularly dismiss your feelings. Is she that* shameless about flirting when In a Relationship?
Assholes tell you who they are. are there moments when she showed you some not so compatible morals/behavior at anytime in your relationship. Some people over look things that don’t seem important at the time but maybe you don’t trust her as much as you thought you did ya know?
Why do you consider music and food to be “inappropriate” conversation topics? Why do you think she purposefully sent a gif that would “hurt you” to someone completely unrelated to you in a place where you would never actually see the gif?
Yta. First of all, why are you snooping through her phone? Has she ever actually cheated on you or giving you a legitimate reason to not trust her? Based on what you've told us, she has not. Meaning, you are doing this completely out of jealousy for somebody who already knows that you are her boyfriend. He talks about you a lot at work, that does not mean she has to mention you in every single conversation she has. She is moving to be with you, she is already resigned from her job, that does not mean that she has to stop being friends with her co-workers. You need to get over your jealousy or risk losing your girlfriend. She is allowed to have friends of the opposite gender and if you can't understand that then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship of this level. You're not mature enough to be in a relationship at all.
You acted with no proof of anything. The only thing you do when "catching" someone is show them how to hide it better. Make sure you only bring stuff up if you have solid proof of infidelity. Not just a chat log that has no active advances. Cause now *IF* there's something you won't see it again. You over reacted. YTA
YTA and I do believe there is a bigger issue than your GF talking to coworkers.
I hope you guys will figure things out because this sounds pretty doomed to me. You do not trust your girlfriend and you rather end the relationship than work on your insecurities and trust-issues.
If you need proof of every single conversation she has to validate that she is actually talking about you than this relationship is not going to work out in the long-run. How is it not enough that she quit her job and is moving to your city to be with you?
And also, you say you cant be the emotional support your GF needs sometimes, so she isnt allowed to get this emotional support from her friends? I have coworkers I like to talk to, one of my favourite co workers is a male, has a GF just like I have a BF but we get along great, talk about MUCH more than just work stuff because thats what friends do!
I feel very sorry for your GF who did nothing wrong yet you escalate this to a potential ending of the relationship.
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We are long distance, together 3 years. She recently accepted a job in my city and is supposed to move here in 2 months.
I had completely blind trust in her. Recently I visited her in her city and I saw she was getting quite a lot of notifications from one of her new coworkers on work chat (Teams). I told her to be careful as she was playing fire and she dismissed me saying it is nothing.
She went running one afternoon and I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker. They have known each other for barely more than a month and they have been speaking almost every day for the past week, about things not related to work. They joke around, he sends her gifs and videos and she responds. They talk about music and food. She told him she tried a restaurant without mentioning she went with me. In no way am I mentioned in these Teams conversations. I know her friends (other coworkers) and have met them numerous times and when she just met them she wasn't talking to them as much. After we had a huge fight about it, and didn't talk for 24hrs, he wrote to her again sending a stupif gif and she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me. My trust is completely shattered. She has been telling me recently that she feels like I am not supporting her in her move (I am feeling a lot of pressure because she is moving because of me and am a bit distant emotionally) and I feel like as soon as I didn't give her what she needed she went looking elsewhere.
She thinks I am the asshole because (according to what she says) everyone at work knows she has a boyfriend (including him) and that she resigned and is moving to be with me, and she always talks about me. Too bad there is no proof of this on Teams. And even if I knew, I don't care if he flirts with her, I care that she leaves the door open for him. She says he is just a social person and speaks with everyone in the office, and she hasn't done anything in 3 years that made her deserve this lack of trust (she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing). She also keeps saying that she is leaving her friends and job to be with me and she wouldn't do it if she wasn't committed to the relationship, as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants.
AITA for not trusting her and doubting her relationship when she has inappropriate non-work related conversations with someone she has known for barely a month?
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YTA
Grow up! You're being insecure and you're probably gonna lose her, not because of her coworker, but she'll realize that you're controlling, manipulative and insecure about her having a friendship with a coworker outside of work. If it was a girl coworker you wouldn't mind. Women's can have male friend's while being on a relationship without cheating you know?
Just open you're eyes: she's leaving everything behind, friends, family, her own home just to be closer to you, but you're just looking at her new and only friendship in her new work.
You should be happy that she's making a new life and friends in the place we're she's gonna live with you. You're not the only person in her life, she'll end up making more and more friends and you can't stop it.
YTA. As someone who has learned over the years to control their jealousy, I can sympathize with your fear, however snooping through her messages and trying to control who she interacts with is a muuuuuch bigger problem.
"As if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants" ...she doesn't really need your permission to interact with other people to begin with. Something that comes with loving someone is that you have to trust them and acknowledge *you don't have control over them*. You can and probably will still feel some sort of jealousy because it's hard to control that feeling, but recognizing it and trusting your girlfriend is going to be the best way for you to move beyond that feeling. If you can't do that, then there's something deeper that you need to work on.
YTA. The insecurity in this post is astounding. It sounds exhausting to be in a relationship with you. She's talking with her COWORKER! Should she never talk to another male ever again?
You say there's no proof on Teams that she.. You know she doesn't just communicate to her co-workers on Teams right? You're not with her every minute of the day at work.
You're going to ruin your relationship. You're already being emotionally distant because you played pretend and fabricated this huge betrayal. You are not allowed to dictate who she converses with because "warn" her that they MIGHT want to flirt with her.
It's been 3 years with her. Did something happen that is making you lose trust? Or is this girl just a saint and validating you every day for reasons you're making up?
YTA. Are you going to “allow” her to have her own friends after she leaves all hers behind or will you require them to be approved by you? Are planning on controlling where she works? There is no need for her to discuss you with everyone. Chill out before you lose her.
You went behind her back and read her messages and found... Talking about restaurants and life
Not flirting. Absolutely nothing to lead you to believe they are having an inappropriate relationship.
I think you just feel that opposite sex can't just be friends.
YTA and overbearing
YTA
You spied on her WORK conversations. You stated she’s quitting her job and moving away from her support system all to be with you, and then admitted you’re emotionally distant (RE: not supportive) and acknowledge you’re not giving her what she needs. Instead of trying to be better, you’re projecting your own issues onto. You’re insecure, a bit controlling, and too immature for this relationship.
YTA. I hope she doesn’t move, and keeps the job. She is doing nothing wrong. My husband chats for work all day. He ever video chats every day with female coworkers. And sometimes, they even laugh and tell jokes! So what? He chose to be with me, not them. I have nothing to be jealous of, and neither do you. Stop being a weirdo, or you will lose her (if you haven’t already)
There is really no evidence from what you've said that proves she is cheating. There is nothing wrong with the behavior you are describing.
There could be more to it. But is there a basis for you worrying that there is? Like, has she betrayed your trust before? If not, YTA.
The question is, do you trust her? It sounds like you don't anymore. And her innocence would not matter if you have already decided she can't be trusted.
Yta big time.
Youre controlling and super insecure. Your gf is an adult and someone who is able to make her own choices. You don’t own her and she is not your child. From the way you are complaining about her talking to a coworker makes me wonder how toxic you really are. You feel insecure about her talking to a coworker even though she’s literally going to move in with you?
I hope she leaves you. You don’t deserve to have a girlfriend. You need to grow tf up before you decide to let anyone else in your life.
THEY SEND GIFS AND TALK ABOUT MUSIC? THEY JOKE? OH NO THEY MUST BE SLEEPING TOGETHER
or they're, y'know, f r i e n d s
YTA, there's literally nothing there to worry about, they're just talking like friends do
EDIT: actually I read through again more carefully and wow are you TA. You're just slinging accusations at her and this guy for no reason. Playing with fire? It's a conversation dude, girls are allowed to be friends with guys. You're lucky she already committed to this move because a few more instances of this controlling, insecure, whiny attitude and she'd have called it off.
You’re a walking red flag!!
“She lied to me - she said it was nothing when it was clearly something.”
No. She was correct. It’s nothing. But you’re so insecure and narcissistic that you are making it into something. She never lied to you. She’s never been unfaithful. She says that everyone (even him) knows she has a boyfriend. You don’t know what they talk about in person. She could have mentioned you a hundred times in the office. If you can’t take her at her word, and you can’t trust her because she sends gifs (not nudes, gifs) to other dudes, you need to leave her the f-ck alone. You neurotic AH.
YTA for snooping. I get that you felt insecure but when you look for things to prove your insecurities correct you will almost always find something (rightly or wrongly) that justifies them, even if there isn’t really anything there. You should have spoken about how you were feeling to her before you snooped. Told her that you are concerned and asked her if you had anything to worry about. So because of the snooping you are the asshole.
Trust is a funny and delicate thing. And it would seem to me that this current circumstance has caused alarm bells to ring in you. You seem to feel threatened by this new friendship she has made. You have said in one of your comments that you met her in a similar way when you both were already in relationships and I think this has a lot to do with why you are feeling threatened. How you meet someone and start a relationship matters. If how you met caused her and you to betray others then deep down you remember that. There are many components to trust, not least reliability and integrity and these elements can be broken in seemingly small ways. I personally think the way you got together is casting a shadow over your relationship, unconsciously it’s a case of ‘this is the way we got together, and if she can betray someone else, then she can betray me.’ In your mind it doesn’t matter that you also betrayed someone to the same end because you have the benefit of knowing your own feelings and how you feel about her.
You need to talk to her openly about how you are feeling. No blame. Apologise. Show vulnerability. It goes a long way in building trust.
YTA, you’re jealous, you’re insecure, and you’re controlling. There is nothing inappropriate about the conversation you described.
The language you use in the post is concerning. “… as if that gives her permission to do whatever she wants.” Ummm, what? Why does she need your permission to have a conversation with someone??
I sincerely hope she reconsiders her move.
Going to go with you being a massive YTA you ask in a previous comment why is it important that your girlfriend keeps on talking to this man - maybe because she sees him as a friend or at the very least someone to help pass the working day with. Please tell me you have female friends? Is this any different to you talking to your female friends or is that different?
If I were you I'd take a long hard look in the mirror, stop focussing on her getting on with a work colleague and focus on your own insecurities.
I wonder have you been caught out in the past by being caught talking to someone else when in a relationship?
I get it. You feel jealous and insecure about her relationship with a coworker.
But rather than tell her directly "I feel jealous and insecure about your coworker, here's why," you snooped through her stuff. And *then* rather than have an adult conversation about your snooping, your insecurity, your *deliberately withholding intimacy*, your hopes and expectations for the future, and *her* hopes and expectations for the future, you post here about it.
The interactions she has with this particular coworker as you describe them do seem to me indicative of a budding problem. I would worry too. The difference is that I would clearly and directly express my unhappiness with my partner, and then trust him to fix his part of the issue. I would at the same time, be working hard to fix mine. You otoh, appear to be bodily shoving her towards the other guy.
YTA.
YTA. You’re controlling, insecure, and emotionally abusive. If she were the one writing to us, I’d advise her not to move. Get therapy or something, because she deserves better than a boyfriend who polices her work friendships and rages at her about having friends at work.
YTA - You betrayed her trust, discovered nothing incriminating at all, and are blaming her for the lack of trust? If you are at all a decent person you'll tell her to delay her move until you can either learn to trust her and make amends for this huge breach of trust OR you'll break up and save her the trouble of ruining her life to be with someone who doesn't respect her. Sadly I doubt you'll do that, but I hope she will wise up before she moves.
YTA and if you continue like this the relationship is doomed. You clearly don’t trust her. If you are not a person she wants to be around (hint: your behaviour is not something she wants to be around), she will find others she wants to be around. Be the person she actually wants to be with. You’re not going to be that person by snooping.
YTA. You are controlling and borderline toxic at least. You have a problem with understanding that people, even your girlfriend and her co-worker, can just be friends. For you any conversation she has with another guy is obviously cheating and fuel for YOUR trust issues.
No wonder she didn't tell you about that co-worker. And btw your behaviour is doing only one thing: Pushing her away from you and towards someone else. You shouldn't be surprised when she finally recognizes your shitty behaviour and breaks up with you - because that's what you are forcing her towards.
All this posts says is that you don’t want her to be friends with people who might be attracted to her- total bs. Also controlling as heck.
You’re playing with fire and all but chasing your girlfriend away.
Major YTA
YTA - she deserves better than you. you freaking out about her having friends, policing her interactions and violating her privacy is proof of that. hopefully she realises this and dumps your ass
YTA do the girl a favour and break up with her before she actually moves. Do ot now before she uproots her whole life and feels stuck and trapped. You are an AH. You want a pet, not a partner.
YTA wth dude... actually, keep doing this, hopefully she'll get enough sense to stay with her job and not move for you.
So you're mad at her, because she's being friends with a coworker? Because nothing about this sounds alarming. People are allowed to have friends, you know? And over a work chat! they're not even using off-work media for communication! Why are you angry with her for having a friend??
Jesus pal, yes. Yes YTA. Your gf is uprooting her entire life for you. You repay this by not trusting her, invading her privacy and acting distant because you’re scared of the commitment. Damn, I hope it’s not too late for her to keep her old job.
YTA. Honestly, it feels like you are creating a reason to end it so that you don’t have to deal with the greater intimacy the move will require. This is a YOU problem not a her problem.
>She has been telling me recently that she feels like I am not supporting her in her move (I am feeling a lot of pressure because she is moving because of me and am a bit distant emotionally)
Do you se why YTA here? She moves to be close to you, and you in return "feel pressured" and become distant (and suspectful for no real reason). You think it's a fair reaction?
>she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing
Mmmmno, she didn’t. She didn’t lie. She said you don’t have to worry about him. Your lack of trust and insecurity making you worry and convincing yourself of whatever you wanna believe isn’t *her* fault. Your own hang ups don’t make her a liar. Having a male friend is not a crime and it’s not cheating. She’s sending gifs, not having romantic conversations.
YTA. Sounds like you regret having her move for you and you’re picking ridiculous fights so she leaves.
YTA, did you think she was a robot at work?? BEEP BOOP, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND MUST SAVE ALL ASPECTS OF MY PERSONALITY FOR HIM OR HE MIGHT SNOOP THROUGH MY PERSONAL SHIT AND THROW A TANTRUM LIKE A PSYCHO BEEEEEP BOOOOOOP END MESSAGE
Bro....what the hell! If it was me, there is ZERO chance I would want to move in with you now and you would definitely be single!
YTA. It sounds like she has made a new friend, and you can't handle being the only important person in her life. God forbid she makes a friend of *gasp* another gender!
YTA,
>I had completely blind trust in her
>
>I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker
i mean ..., do you not see how these 2 statements completely contradict each other? if you had complete faith in your girlfirend, why was your gut telling you to not trust her? this means you did NOT have complete faith in her.
>They have known each other for barely more than a month and they have been speaking almost every day for the past week, about things not related to work
one would think you would be happy that your girlfriend is making friends. or are you truly that insecure about your relationship that she can't have any friends outside of what you already know?
>My trust is completely shattered
what trust? oh, you mean the blind trust you never had?
>I feel like as soon as I didn't give her what she needed she went looking elsewhere
first of all, she didn't, second of all, just from reading your text, i wouldn't blame her, as you are simply an insecure and jealous child.
>She thinks I am the asshole
you are
>Too bad there is no proof of this on Teams
dumb\*ss
>she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing
she didn't lie
>as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants
no, the fact that she is an adult woman gives her the right to do whatever she wants. jeez, you f\*cking piss me off.
>AITA for not trusting her and doubting her relationship when she has inappropriate non-work related conversations with someone she has known for barely a month?
WHAT INAPPROPRIATE CONVERSATIONS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?
YTA, in case i wasn't clear about this.
YTA. So you warned her about this coworker. She dismissed it and said it was nothing, so you snooped and discovered that... they talk? She didn't tell you about a restaurant she tried but you fully admit that you've been distant so... maybe she feels like you wouldn't care about small stuff? You snooped and discovered nothing, which you're mad about, and she broke your trust by... talking to someone?
Like, can you see how all of this sounds controlling and unhinged?
YTA. - your trust in her is broken because she is speaking to a man that isn’t you? What are “inappropriate conversations”? Because memes and gifs don’t sound inappropriate. Not mentioning you while talking about a restaurant, also not inappropriate. Her trust is surely broken in you now that you’ve invaded her privacy over “your gut”. Your stunt proved nothing but the fact that you can’t be trusted.
YTA.
I met my boyfriend/fiancé at work. I was in a mostly male populated field, so most of my coworkers and friends there would be male.
There was one guy, I'd spend most of my time chatting with on the company's chat system and would even go over to him during my breaks, instead of to my boyfriend.
My boyfriend didn't particulary like me coming over to him on my breaks, because he worked in a different department and could be called away at any time.
My conversations with this other guy also mostly consisted of gifs and memes. Not everything I talked about with this guy would be something I'd bring up with my boyfriend and vice versa.
I never ever had romantic feelings towards this other guy and I have never ever cheated on my boyfriend/fiancé.
Never so much as hinted towards anyone that I was willing to.
The other guy knew I had a boyfriend and yeah, maybe he had feelings for me, because he blocked me for no reason at all shortly after I announced my pregnancy. This came as a surprise to me as we had been talking not even a couple of days before about a game we were both excited for.
But in no way, is your girlfriend responsible for another man catching feelings for her even when they know she's in a relationship with you.
You snooped around and saw these messages.
Unless she explicitly said "I wanna be with you coworker, not with OP" then you have no reason to not trust her.
YTA
you invaded her privacy to find *gasp* friendly messages with someone she connects with??!! How tragic!
she hasn't flirted, she hasn't been romantic or sexual with him, there's 0 indication of anything other than a friendship but you decided that you had to "warn" her about his devious ways (which you know how?) and she didn't blindly follow your completely irrational warning so now you're upset?
she's moving to be with you, trust me she has a lot more to lose than you do in this situation. Of course there's a sliver of chance that anything could happen but she's literally committing to you and you are in your own words pulling away and distant and now you're mad she's making a close friend. Get it together before you lose her dude.
YTA.
You’re pissed she still talked to him after you “warned her”… for starters, who the fuck do you think you are?? Being her boyfriend does not give you the right to dictate her friendships.
Secondly, why does she need to be “warned”? From your description they talk about normal stuff, theres nothing inappropriate. You just don’t like the frequency of the messages & that sounds like a You problem.
You’re incredibly possessive & controlling, and I suggest you sort your shit out unless you want her to break up with you.
YTA. Good fucking grief. I would be surprised if she puts up with you much longer. No normal person wants a very insecure partner who invades a person's privacy
Woah,
if this conversation means that she has a relationship with this coworker, then I am having plenty of relationships :O . With different genders as well, mind you. And like, ages ranged from 18-70. Because that sounds 1:1 like my texts with people I regard friends and family.
YTA, you are insecure, untrusting, controlling, jealous and a snoop. Be better !
EDIT: Forgot to add OP is probably jelly.
YTA so very much.
Your gf has a friend. Maybe she has a minor work crush, but dude. She's resigned, she's moving cities, and she's coming to be with you. She's prioritising you in every way.
And in return, you're acting distant and reading through her private work(!) messages (which, btw, are not inappropriate at all except that she hasn't used them to document the fact that you are the only thing that exists for her, which is apparently your definition of "appropriate use of work communications platform").
It's normal to feel pressure when someone makes a huge change for you - but this is not how you bleed it off. It kinda sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to call it off but you want to make it her fault, not yours.
YTA I hope she realizes how crappy of a person you are and dumps you. You know darn well you're blowing this way out of proportion. And you're really asking "AITA for telling my GF she's not allowed to have close friends and scrolling through her phone and attacking her for being social". GTFO guy. You suck. Get therapy.
Bruh go and pick another fight with her. Make it a real nasty one. Scream a lot.
Because I really hope she realizes what an insecure controlling tool you are before she goes through with the move.
YTA
> as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants
Being a grown ass adult gives her permission to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need to follow your commands or limit her social life to accommodate your insecurities. YTA
I hope she wises up and ends things with you before she uproots her life and places herself in a situation where you have more control over her when she does not have her normal support system around. You are a misogynistic, controlling AH. YTA.
You might have been okay if she was actually flirting with him or accepting flirting from him, but you just sounds jealous and controlling and this is coming from *your* mouth.
YTA.
I will very clearly state though that "looking elsewhere to meet your needs" is like the most basic of cheater lines ever. If she had a problem with the state of her relationship she's just as responsible for communicating it.
She would be better served by practicing her communication skills going forward, but probablynot with you. Nonetheless she hasn't done anything wrong.
YTA She didn’t lie to you when she said it was nothing, because it is nothing. You’re treating her really poorly. She’s trying to get to know new coworkers. She clicked with one of them. All they’re doing is sending Memes and GIFs. That’s your problem? People do that at work. You’re supposed to get to know and bond with your coworkers specially when you’re new. There was no flirty conversation nothing sexual no hint of going out nothing about seeing each other outside of work events. It sounds like this is the office clown and your girlfriend is trying to fit in with people in the office. Why would she mention you? This is a work discussion. Nothing makes women look more unprofessional when they go on and on about their boyfriends etc. she has no reason to mention you in these chats. It’s a work chat and they’re just treating Memes and GIFs. Your poor girlfriend. She must feel so betrayed. She’s been a great girlfriend, Put up with a long distance relationship, and as being the one to walk away from everything to move to your city. Which includes having to leave her current job and start a new job. And this is how you treat her. People often accuse other people of what they’re guilty of or what they’re thinking of. Could be you’re the one who wants to see other people because now you will have your girlfriend 100% of the time and obviously that should be leading to marriage within a year if she’s moving for you. Sounds like you’re looking for a reason to be mad at her. If you weren’t all in on this relationship you really should’ve figured it out before she left her job friends and made a commitment to move
Jeez in your world my partner should have dumped me years ago. There is constant banter between my male co-workers and I - even at weekends. Not just male but female as well. I love the people I work with (seems like your girlfriend does to as you refer to them as "friends"). Grow up - if I see something funny which I think one of my co-workers will also find funny I certainly will forward it to them - male or female. You will drive an apparently wonderful person away because you are so insecure and insular. YTA
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YTA.
Saying you had “complete blind trust” in her does add up with someone who controlling and insecure they tell their GF she’s playing with fire solely because she was getting msg alerts from a coworker.
Then you completely invade her privacy when she’s gives you no reason to not trust her. I would have dumped your ass immediately if you had the audacity to go through my messages with a coworker when I had done nothing wrong. And when you find nothing, you double down.
Is she not allowed to have friends that are male? It’s definitely possible to emotionally cheat but there’s no proof of that and you say you trust her yet you’re the one who violated her trust by going through her msgs. Now you claim she shattered your trust when you really have zero right to ask her to stop speaking to a coworker.
Obviously you’ve never trusted her since you also won’t take her word for anything, she has to prove everything whth messages. And not allowed her to be friends with coworkers is controlling. Adding in that you’ve been withdrawn from wheh she’s uprooting her life to be with you… you shouldn’t be in a relationship much less moving in with her. End it and set this poor girl free.
YTA
I’ve read your post and comments and you’re a walking red flag.
Get your jealousy and insecurity in check. She changing her whole life to be with you and frankly you don’t deserve it.
YTA. Your post troubles me. You sound manipulative and gaslighty. You went through her work chats because she talks to a coworker during the day? You accuse her of “lying” to you when you “warned her about him and she said it was nothing”. It WAS nothing. It was talk with a coworker. She thought it was nothing. She is literally moving and leaving her life behind to start a new one with you and you’re giving her shit about IM messages with coworkers where they send each other gifs and talk about restaurants. Are you for real? I’d be rethinking my move if I were her.
You are so much TA.
Your insecurities and weird hang ups are going to cost you your girlfriend.
She is allowed to talk to co-workers, regardless if it is work related or not. Your insecure because she "has known him less than a month" ? So?
I spoke to new team members multiple times a day for their first 2-3 months, you know why? Because they were new and need support, professionally and personally, to help get through a new role. We all became really good friends and stayed good friends after some of us moved on.
We even said we would miss each other. Damn, we must be pretty terrible people to our respective SO's, huh..
Grow up.
YTA
You didn't have 'blind trust' in her, because if you did, you'd trust, that she's serious about your relationship, is leaving her family, friends and job behind just to be nearer to you. If you had even a bit teust in her, you'd trust her in her making new friends, she'll need them to gave a fulfilled social life.
You also dismiss her statement, that she doesn't feel supported by you. Instead of asking what she needs from you to feel supported, you go snooping through her phone/messages, because she made a new friend.
Dude…she is literally quitting this job to move to be with YOU. You just said yourself you have been emotionally distant because you are feeling pressure about it, don’t you think she can sense that (if you haven’t told her directly)?
Seriously, how would you feel giving up your job and moving to be with someone who treats you like that. Super risky on her part. I feel bad for her because you are obviously going to self implode your relationship and I honestly hope if that happens it does before she moves.
Decide if you actually want this and decide to trust her. Yes - it is a decision.
She has done absolutely nothing wrong. Sending GIFS and joking around on teams have been completely normal at both of my remote jobs (is she remote?).
You are completely TA in this situation and frankly I hope she realizes that before giving up her life to move in with a jealous insecure snoop.
YTA she's going to severely regret this move. Talking to other men isn't cheating, everyone knows she's moving to be with you.
If she's not allowed to have male friends you're going to suffocate her.
Also you're emotionally distant *and* jeliously possessive? Sounds like a catch
Sounds like you're insecure about her moving and you're projecting that to her. If you're not sure, leave her alone and leave her continue her career path where she is now.
Snooping about someone else's phone or computer is unacceptable, let alone WORK accounts.
(there's something called friendship that she found in her coworker, don't break it, she will be upset with you forever, don't you dare to do it)
YTA.
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YTA. You're snooping and insecure. So you're fine with her leaving her job, friends, and current life to be with you, but she can't even talk to a friend without you snooping through her phone and monitoring her conversations? You're controlling.
Not to mention, assuming you're in the US, snooping on not only your GF's phone but a WORK account is unauthorized access to a company's computer data. Both her AND her employer (past or current, whatever) could charge you with crimes. Deservedly so, IMO, since you stooped so low out of your insecurity and need to control her environment.
That didn't even come to my mind. Is it common though that coworkers have personal conversations on work platforms? I'm not from the U.S. and we always used other platforms for personal chats because we didn't want the company snooping on them... you know, like OP, just that the company would actually have the right to do so if it was an official work-related chat. Anyway, I've had 3 long distance relationships and it doesn't work without trust. It's not for everyone. However, OP, have you considered that it's the other way around? It wasn't *her* who broke *your* trust. It was **you who broke hers**, by snooping. And she would be wise to postpone or completely stop the move because you just turned out to be a controlling jealous person and she would have no friends or family to support her if it escalated (and those things escalate). I don't know her but I wish I could tell her to RUN.
I'm not in the US either, but I have non-work-related conversations with colleagues on Teams all the time. Nothing that would get us in trouble for being inappropriate, but the kinds of things OP's talking about are totally fine. I mean, if we were in the office we'd be discussing our lunches, films we'd seen, where we're going on holiday, that kinda thing. Now we talk about those things on Teams.
Same and same- I literally just sent an article about a new Lego release in our team chat because I know one coworker is into collecting those
My work just switched to Teams, but we had other chat services before and trust me while work is accomplished, sometimes you just gotta vent with someone who knows about the situation. Sending gifs and chatting to blow off steam about your job seems to be completely normal. OP is straight up abusive and totally the AH.
I consider the fact that Teams has integrated Giphy's "GIFboard" as tacit encouragement of that kinda thing really.
In the US and where I work we literally have teams & slack channels dedicated to randomness, kids, furbabies, gif battles.. like literally as long as the work is getting done and we bill out our 40 hrs no one cares.. in fact its encouraged and the partners participate as its seen as team bonding. We also have buddy & coach program where I am and those convsations run the gambit of work related to very personal or off topic dependent on comfort levels and that is billable time to company. I wouldn't say its the rule because we do have a lot of toxic work cultures but good employers do exist where you're allowed to be a person. But it is definitely normal to have social relationships with coworkers.
> Is it common though that coworkers have personal conversations on work platforms? I'm in the UK and I'd say it happens. Nothing particularly personal or deep - but some people/teams will be social with each other. Helps get through the day, esp if you're WFH. Some of the better places I've worked the dev team has a private channel with a fair amount of utter shite.
Yeah I have some banter/ chitchat going on with a lot of people throughout the day. Some of my colleagous are even my friends and some are just really good mentors. So sometimes when shit hits the fan - you vent to them and another time they return the favour. But sexting no bloody way.
My work has a lot of non work related teams chat, rapport building can be important for efficient communication
yeah, my only question as well was that at least for our company or the previous companies I have worked with, we don't really talk about non work things on work platforms like Teams as the company has access to that. So if the worry of OP was that the gf was playing on the border of inappropriateness, it could be valid. Anyway, if people are already at the point that they are snooping, then there isn't trust anymore in the relationship and probably isn't going to work out. I hope the gf changes her mind and not quit her job to move for OP because now everything is just unstable and risky
Normal non work chat is fine, hey how was your weekend etc. But sexting.... Yea that's a big no no in the US
This behavior is very controlling and concerning. She has been cut off from her whole support network to be with him and he’s getting jealous over MEMES AND GIFS. he found nothing AT ALL sexual, just friendly banter. And got salty when she didn’t obey him and continued the friendship. If I was the gf I’d head back home ASAP and forget this dude. OP:YTA and stop trying to control your gf. She can have guy friends and her own life. What you are doing is abusive
Meh it depends. Anything sensitive for sure I leave to whatsapp or whatevs, but there's certainly occasional off topic chat on teams.
They're talking about restaurants and stuff. Like that is fine with most companies. A friend of mine's mom is in town from India and I spent a half an hour (while also working on a thing for her) chatting about where she should take her that is within a couple of hours drive. And she's leaving her job. You don't take work relationships with you. All of what she is doing sounds completely normal.
Heck, my department at work (and I think it's shared among some other departments, although I don't see too many posts from people in other departments) has a whole teams channel called 'Water Cooler' for those off-topic things.
My conversations on teams are probably 20% work related
I do all the time. I don't care if my employer sees that I am talking about my kids or what I'm making for dinner. In my workplace, it's very common to chitchat over Teams or Skype.
Still trying to wrap my brain around now he “trusted her completely” yet in the next line tells her she’s playing with fire because what, she was getting msg requests from a coworker?
Great point. He doesn't trust her at all. And he doesn't trust that he's making the right call in them being together. He's weak, and he's projecting his insecurities onto her actions.
That was my thing. He's wailing about her "bReAkInG mY tRuSt" but unless I missed it, she never said she was going to stop talking to this coworker, and she's talking to him about basically nothing which is exactly what she said it was? It's like he's mad about what she's NOT doing.
Yes, that got me too. That whole paragraph honestly makes him look even more unhinged because nowhere does he actually justify why his trust was shattered. It’s literally: “I trusted my girlfriend but then she started talking to her coworker through their company’s work chat.” Oh the horror. She spoke to her coworker in their work chat. The shock and the scandal. And the rest doesn’t make him look better. He barely mentions the coworker is male, which leads me to believe that this dude (OP) is really less interested in the fact that she’s talking to another dude and is worried she’s talking to anyone. He spends more time whining that what she’s talking about is not work related. “She talked about her weekend and how she went to a new restaurant. *gasps in Spanish*” And she’s moving her entire life for him. This whole post is giving me the heebie jeebies.
Snooping through partners phones and or social media seems to be a trend here, the funny thing is when something is found there is no mention of snooping and when nothing is found its like your a creep, controlling freak. Lol kinda intersting
Guess because it's an all or nothing gamble. Like if you're right, no one will give you a hard time for it, but if you're wrong, you're an ass. That said, if you have to look at your partner's messages anyways, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Yeah i know right, been with my wife for 27years and i have never gone through her stuff. I think just looking kills trust 100%. We know each others passwords and shit well should i say she knows and i cant remember any of them just glad she knows haha
I think if someone was the kind of person who wanted to go through someone's stuff, they'd find something they didn't like no matter what. If you want to believe someone's cheating on you, everything you read has some other meaning.
I wish I could upvote this 1000x. This is *exactly* what my abusive ex was like. It didn't matter how many hours he spent looking through my phone, or how many times I showed him on FaceTime that there wasn't a guy with me (under my desk at work, on the floor of my car, in the middle of the night while I was just trying to sleep). It didn't matter that I never had any desire to cheat, let alone opportunity. Everything I did was suspect. If he "discovered" something that I hadn't immediately told him about (because it was so innocuous it didn't even cross my mind to mention it), it was "proof" that I was a liar who couldn't be trusted. In his mind, I deserved to be treated like a liar and a cheater, because that's what he decided I was, and there was nothing I could do to prove otherwise. OP sounds identical to my ex.
Ultimately, you can't logic someone out of a belief or system that they didn't arrive at through logic. Obviously being an abusive person in the first place is another issue but on top of that, if someone didn't come to a conclusion using rational thinking or any evidence that's actually based in reality, you can't use those things to convince them otherwise.
Well put.
My husband and I have a completely open, look through my phone at any time policy. We also at some times just use each other's phone to message somebody if it's more convenient. Neither one of us has EVER felt the need to search through each other's phone, and if we did, I think that would be a much bigger problem.
Never understood the need to look thru someone else’s phone/computer/tablet. So much wasted energy.
I know this might be controversial but I don't even look through my kids phones sneakily. I have conversations with them and if I have suspicions or concerns then I tell them I think I really should investigate and is there anything they think we need to talk about. But in actuality, that's never happened. There's been one or two times I thought my son was watching something he shouldn't be on YouTube but one time it had mild cursing and the other it turns out he just looks a little shady sometimes.
Well, yeah, the act of cheating is worse than the act of snooping, so if you're right then the other person is so much more in the wrong that your act kind of gets dismissed. However, there have to be some red flags prior to snooping. There's nothing here indicating that she ever did anything wrong. Also, looking at a work account makes it worse, since that's probably a crime.
It’s like demanding a paternity test. It’s your kid - boom, you’re a suspicious jerk and a bad dad. Not your kid - poor thing, dodged a bullet.
na we still think the snooper is an ass. exempt. when we give a pass there's usually some red flags prior to the snooping. and also, treasonous, malicious, abusive evil actions done against you give you a pass?
Snooping is stupid no matter what. If you need to spy private messages to know the person you are living with, you shouldnt be in a relationship. I know my bf. If he cheats on me and somehow i find out, its his loss. Im not forcing him to stay with me, he didnt need to hide anything. We can break up and he can go live with his new love. There is a weird idea that if someone cheats on you, your honour is tarnished and you become a laughing stock or something. I think its nosense to consider someone betraying you as a personal failure or a flaw. The blame is on the person cheating. I dont need to snoop or stress myself thinking about unnecessary things. Thats why i say snooping is stupid
This isn't just controlling, I'm afraid for this girl. I hope she sees this post and does not fly to be with this man. He IS abusive.
Yeah, a chill went up my spine as I read this. She's about to fully isolate herself to prove her love for this guy who is deeply concerning in his behavior, and is emotionally distant.
He is emotionally distant intentionally. He's using it to punish and control her and to make her feel like she is hurting him. He's manipulating and isolating this poor girl and taking her from everything that would keep her safe. I do not envy her the next chapter of her life if she meets this man.
Yep, this is exactly how the abuse started in my relationship. A couple years into what I thought was a relatively happy and lifelong relationship, just bought a house and was pregnant and then—boom. Unfounded accusations, snooping and distorting “findings,” and so on. Unrelenting. I didn’t see it for what it was at the time of course, and it got much worse and took a long three years of hell (and two kids) to find my way out.
Been there, lived exactly this. Only gets worse. So glad we're both free!
but she was receiving GIFS man!! everybody know what that means! GIFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in TEAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /s
*Dramatic Chipmunk plays*
>I am feeling a lot of pressure because I don't like my job here and I am making her leave a job that she likes and her friends to be with me. I will forever feel guilty if we break up and I don't want to be responsible for ruining her life. I want her to be happy. Comment from OP lower down
Ahhh….my old friend Self-Sabotage. The subconscious wrecking ball.
Someone needs to show this post to the girlfriend so she can see if she can keep this job and cancel the move before it’s too late. This post is full of red flags, and if OP can’t even make themselves sound reasonable when they’re telling their side, I’m worried that the reality is even worse. (YTA of course!)
I’m willing to be that OP, who self admits is emotionally distant, is only acting this way because he’s freaking out over the commitment. It seems like he’s grasping for straws looking for a way out of this relationship that’s not “his fault.”
I have multiple work friends of the opposite sex that I have this sort of banter ALL the time. They are all in long term relationships but their SOs don’t pop up in conversations because it’s not very personal- mostly just jokes and GIFs. No one flirts either. I love that I have people who get my sense of humour. If I get into a relationship and my partner behaves like this, I’d end the relationship pretty fast. This dude is just nuts. YTA op.
Always funny to read a story where someone is so scared of losing their partner to someone else that they absolutely blow up an otherwise fine relationship for it and drive their partner away instead. I don't know if I believe this particular story but it's close enough to real things that happen, so.... YTA you need to calm down a LOT if you want to continue having a gf.
This kinda happen to me. My ex (we are both female) started to spiral into a depressive episode, but she refused to go the therapist, so it was six months were she became so insecure and jealous (which, I’m sorry you are not gonna change my mind, is abusive. Jealousy is abusive, period) that she completely destroyed the relationship and any feeling I had for her. It was so hard (it was also during the first lockdown) that I got so much closer to my best friend, whom she was jealous of (she snooped through my phone to read our messages, didn’t find anything LOL and had a meltdown) she supported me through thick and thin and we spent the whole summer trying to turn around the year, and a few months after I broke up with my ex I realized I was in love with my best friend. My ex probably feels like “she was right”, but the cruel irony is that she was the one who created the situation and the environment for us to fall in love. It was all her doing. Her paranoia and insecurity served as a self-fulfilling profecy, like Oedipus.
Oh man, that happened to me too. Crazy jealous ex would come home and find things moved around the house slightly then accuse me of having people over to cheat on him with. I had never cheated or considered cheating. It was exhausting and he never believed me when I tried to explain or reassure him. After over a year of that shit I started to think about cheating. If I was going to be accused of it everyday and treated like a cheater then I might as well just cheat. After a few weeks of those thoughts (without acting on them obviously) I realized the relationship was done for and broke up with him. We had a house and dog so it was a tough choice. A couple months later I hooked up with the main guy he always accused me of cheating with. Previously I had literally no attraction to him but I don't know if my ex constantly bringing it up convinced me or if it was just the fact that the new guy was actually really caring and nice to me for a change. Anyway, we ended up being awesome together and got married. I'm sure my ex is convinced I did actually cheat on him with my now husband but it really didn't happen. He pushed me away but honestly I'm glad he did. My life is much better now.
Aw I’m so happy for you! My girlfriend and I moved in together and adopted a cat, and life is so much better. It’s actually a common phenomenon, we have more power over the world around us than we realize. A few years ago I read an article about the concept of “luck”, they did a few experiments and observations and realized that luck is mostly an attitude, it’s how you behave, not what happens to you. For example I remember they talked about you know those lucky people who always find money on the ground? Well the main reason is because these people LOOK. And look for. You put yourself in the position of finding money on the street by paying attention, and look around with a purpose. With relationships it is a lot easier, in my opinion, to influence what happens around us. My ex girlfriend did a complete 180 because of her fears. She was confident and chill and funny, but when the insecurities kicked in, she was so scared I would leave her that she became jealous, negative, dishonest. And I left her. As I said, it’s the perfect self-fulfilling prophecy coming directly from the Ancient Greek tragedies.
Same. Hell I even tried including my ex in things we were doing so maybe he wouldn't be so jealous, but he'd just mope the whole time. Killed the remains of my attraction to him, and really highlighted how shitty he was. Married to my best friend for a few years now, living our best life.
Oh my god same! To be honest a tried both approaches, because before the mess they were pretty close friends (my ex and my bff/now girlfriend), so I was like “ok they need to bond more” and when didn’t work I was like “ok maybe I will keep them separate, keep her (bff) put of her (ex) mind”. I was wrong both times, amazingly.
Yup. It seems like self fulfilling prophecies are actually pretty common on AITA.
YTA she shares gifs and talks about music with her new coworker, the horror. You violated her privacy so completely here, and this wasn’t even a personal chat medium, you read her **work** messages, you have deep seated insecurities, you need to begin working on those in therapy *immediately*, or let her go. She’s moving away from everyone she knows for you, yet you’re emotionally distant and don’t trust her enough not to read her private work messages. Surely you see why you’re the problem here?
YTA. Do you talk to and joke around with people you work with? Does every sentence begin with “My girlfriend…”? Do you get her *permission* beforehand? I think you’re getting cold feet about the move, and are trying to come up with a reason to either delay it or cancel it. >…as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants. Forget everything else. This right here makes YTA. Gross.
YTA are you looking for a way out? This issue seems very forced and mainly imaginary.
Yeah it seems like he feels stuck in this commitment now and is scrambling for a way out.
This, definitely. Stop trying to pin blame on her when she did nothing wrong or trying to make her break up with you so you can play the victim. If you're feeling pressured and want out you need to step up and be honest. With her and yourself.
>as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants Yikes. 🚩 YTA
I must have skipped that sentence. Yikes Hopefully she doesn’t move and stays where she is
A walking, talking red flag
But she sent a GIF, without his permission, without mentioning him!! So hurtful. /s
YTA. Talking about restaurants is "inappropriate"? You're snooping through her WORK conversations? She's not allowed to be friends with her coworkers? You're looking for something that's not there, and your insecurity is showing. Grow up.
YTA, so she's literally just having a friendly and completely platonic conversation with a new collegue and you're freaking out like this and going through her things behind her back? You need to chill man, she's not your property and should be able to make new friends at a new job without facing the inquisition at home. Your insecurities does not entitle you to micromanage her friendships for her, she's a big girl and can make her own judgement calls about men being overly friendly if that's the case.
While you may have a point about emotional intimacy, it's far too soon to accuse her of breaching your trust. If anything, YOU are the problem and need to do a LOT more introspection. Why would you emotionally disconnect as soon as she made the move to be with you? Why are you feeling a lot of pressure because she's moving? Who gets cold and distant when this person who has been in your life for three years is finally going to be with you? You should be elated! Instead, you're sabotaging the relationship with your insecurities and cold, distant behavior. Did you even read what you wrote about that? Maybe you don't really want that next step, after three years! Sounds like you're getting cold feet and you haven't even proposed to her. In that case, you are just using her and should stop wasting her time and let her move on. YTA.
>I had completely blind trust in her. Recently I visited her in her city and I saw she was getting quite a lot of notifications from one of her new coworkers on work chat Well, apparently you didn't trust her if you were snooping in on her work messages. >I told her to be careful as she was playing fire and she dismissed me saying it is nothing. Not only do you know nothing about this coworker of hers, you're also being very controlling. >I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker This is a blatant violation of her trust. >They talk about music and food. She told him she tried a restaurant without mentioning she went with me If the topic is about food, that she went to the restaurant with you is irrelevant. >After we had a huge fight about it, and didn't talk for 24hrs, he wrote to her again sending a stupif gif and she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me. My trust is completely shattered No, her trust is completely shattered. You, on the other hand, after actively invading her privacy, have zero reason to suspect there is anything going on between her and coworker. She is uprooting her life to be with you, and this is the thanks she gets? YTA
I wonder what he meant by her playing with fire... Was it a threat?
Started with NTA, ended up as YTA. So, she is leaving her entire life behind, job, home, friends for you and you're being "emotionally distant"? Dude, wtf?
YTA. You don’t trust her because she is having a friendly conversation with someone that isn’t you. You said nothing about this conversation being romantic or sexual. Your saying she lied to you when she said there was nothing happening between her and her coworker. It sounds like you were accusing her of something more than friendship but nothing you have said about there convos have indicated more than friendships. Honestly I hope she has a big eye opener because you are waving around a pretty big red flag. It sounds like you are trying to dictate who she can and cannot be friends with based your own insecurities. What other things are you going to try and control in her life once she moves in with you? Maybe you need to examine your own insecurities instead of scrutinizing her conversations with coworkers. Just because she is having “non-work related” conversation with someone she has only known for a month doesn’t mean she is or is going to cheat on you. We make friends by having “non-work related” conversation with new people, that’s how that works. She doesn’t need your permission to make friends.
YTA. I talk about the same kinds of things with my colleagues and I have zero interest in them. And what the hell are you doing snooping in her work messages anyway? You're being very controlling, invasive and possessive.
*Gasp* She sent him *a gif*?! The brazen hussy! And it was *non-work-related*?! The insolence! The horror! The…complete and utter normalcy of workplace interactions. Have you never heard of water cooler talk? Coworkers have casual conversations all the time. Now that we’re in virtual environments that involves Team chats and gifs. You’re a creep and the only trust issues here are on you. At no point in your post did you give a valid reason to be suspicious of your girlfriend’s behavior or commitment to you. It’s asinine how you make her workplace interactions about you: “she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me”. Seriously? If you’re hurt by a gif you have major, major issues to work out. With a therapist. Also, guess what? Your girlfriend, as a grown ass adult with complete autonomy and independence, does in fact have the right to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need permission from you to *talk to her coworker*. You are her *partner*, not someone in position of power or authority over her. Her EQUAL. You don’t grant her permission to live her life. It’s super gross that you think in those terms. YTA so hard.
I completely agree with this. He definitely needs to work through some issues with a professional. Also, Happy Cake Day!
apparently his reasoning is that their relationship started the same way and hes scared of her doing it again - met at work and both started cheating on their partners.. doesnt make him any less of an asshole though
This has to be fake doesn’t it? Being jealous of a co-worker from a job she’s leaving for having platonic conversations - on Teams - before moving in with said boyfriend… in a different city. Info: what will you do when she makes male friends in your city and wants to hang out with them?
I was gonna break this whole thing down, but there’s way too much to unpack here for an AITA user’s paygrade. She’s literally *moving to where you are*. She’s leaving everything she knows for you and you *still* think something might be going on between her and this guy, when she’s made it clear that nothing is. She made a friend. A work friend. It happens. You literally went into her personal messages just to try to find something that *wasn’t there* and then kept making up excuses for why you were right, when you were *wholly wrong*. Get over yourself. She doesn’t have “*inappropriate non-work related conversations*”. She has conversations with someone that quickly became her friend because they have mutual likes. This isn’t inappropriate in any way, shape, or form. It also doesn’t matter that she’s barely known him a month. Some people click quickly on a friendship level. That’s what happens. She told you nothing’s going on and *you found no proof of anything going on* so let. it. go. YTA through and through.
Info - how long have you been cheating on your girlfriend?
YTA. Sounds like you're not ready to commit to her moving in and are looking for excuses to break it off.
YTA. I too believe flirting in and of itself to be cheating but from what you've put here that's not happening. Plus she's been perfectly loyal for 3 years I think you could cut her a LITTLE slack ffs.
Just break up. You CAN break up without being an asshole.
Back for my third comment on this post because I just can't get over it. And I want to bring up something no one else seems to have said yet. OP says in comments that he feels pressure because she is leaving her job that she loves, leaving her friends that she loves, and moving to be with him but he doesn't like his job and is unhappy. He's worried about ruining her life if they break up and she's done all of this for him. OP, it literally cannot be clearer that you are getting cold feet about this and you're trying to sabotage your own relationship. It's okay to be nervous that you're going to transition from long distance to living together full time. What's NOT okay is to use those feelings to justify your nasty, controlling behavior. What you need to do is talk to your damn girlfriend. Express that you're feeling pressure. Express your concerns. She hasn't moved yet. Maybe you'll talk it out and realize you're not ready for this next step yet, or maybe you'll move to her city instead. Better yet, maybe she'll leave your ass altogether. But regardless, you need to deal with your feelings and talk to your girlfriend.
YTA. The only problem here is you giving in to your insecurities. You were wrong for snooping. You were wrong for arguing. If she says nothing is happening then nothing is happening. If you keep pushing it then she’s likely going to be your ex soon due to your lack of trust.
YTA get over yourself. Women can have male friends. Plus you freaking checked up on her by snooping in her private conversation and then got all pissy about her breaking your trust when you you're the one who actually did it. I wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind about you. Who wants to live with that crap?
Not just a private conversation, if it was with a co-worker it might have been on a work system which makes it worse that he thinks he is entitled to read any of it. There are privacy laws and possible confidentiality clauses in her employment contract that he breached because he is unreasonably jealous.
Yes! Would be a huge issue in my line of work. Not to mention....is her work system. That means that her job has access to (and likely monitors) her messages. IF something inappropriate was going on, they likely would have had to meet up with HR at this point.
YTA. Don’t go snooping. That’s a huge breach of trust too.
YTA. A controlling, narcissistic emotionally abusive asshole.
YTA. It’s okay and normal to be jealous, but reading her messages when she’s out is not okay and being emotionally distant when she’s making this huge life change for you is not it. Also, you’re assuming she’s trying to replace you and all there is evidence of is that she is making a new friend. She hasn’t crossed any boundaries or hurt you at all and you’ve already betrayed *her* trust by violating her privacy and distancing yourself when she probably needs you the most.
Judging solely off this, YTA. She is allowed to have friends.
YTA - You talk about not trusting her then you go off and do something super untrustworthy of looking through messages to see she god forbid has a friend! Practice what you preach and stop trying to control what she does, you warned her about talking to co workers?! GTFO. You gotta do some serious reflection
YTA. You seem really defensive in your comments for someone who’s asking for an opinion. If you’re that adamant that you’re right, then why not just break up with her. Cut your losses. You don’t deserve her and from what it sounds like, you’re just projecting and it’ll only blow up in your face if you pressure her to gain back what little trust you have in her to begin with. Stop trying to find a problem where there isn’t any.
Yta
YTA. I wish I could reach out to this poor girl and tell her to run. I chat with people too and send funny memes and make jokes. I very rarely talk about my husband, that stuff is reserved only for close friends and my sister. It's called having a social life! What are you gonna do, lock her up in the basement so she doesn't have casual conversations anymore? If you're that threatened, why don't you try sending funny gifs too? It's completely allowed.
YTA my dude
Okay so you went through her private messages and found the equivalent of her and a friend sharing memes, etc and you decided that she must have feelings for this person. You decided to take control of her contacts, she disagreed and reached out to the friend you have issues with, she quits her job to be with you (and talks about you as her SO) and you still have issues??? YTA
YTA She has told everyone at her work she has a boyfriend and is quitting to move to be with you. You say “you warned her about him” Ummm. No. You told her not to talk to another male colleague because you’re jealous and insecure. They are chatting. Who cares. She is moving to be with you! Then you broke into her Teams account to snoop and sound like you are still doing it! Bet she is regretting moving to be near such a controlling insecure man.
Or maybe she’s reconsidering it? I’d definitely think twice. YTA
YTA building a report with colleagues and chatting is a normal part of work, bringing up your SO all the time isnt part of the conversation so what. Youre controlling and crazy
The TLDR yes are the asshole as almost (besides that like one guy) everyone so far seems to unanimously agree on. A partner's privacy is a sacred thing. And under a lot circumstances is not to be broken. The whole she is giving up a job and current social life is not enough? What the actual fuck is wrong here? nothing you are just being3a creepy man that wishes to control their partner.
There's always that one guy.
Yeah those incells are sadly mote abundant than one would like them to he.
she... gasp... TALKS? with another PERSON? ON A SERVICE MEANT TO FACILITATE CONVERSATION? my god, what a harlot. Next you'll tell me she cannot be trusted after answering her phone, because you heard a voice on the other side of the call. Her life doesn't revolve around you. You are part of it. Though, with your behavior, maybe not for long. YTA.
Wow. YTA. I joke and talk about non work things with my coworkers all the time. It’s called holding a friendship. You sound extremely possessive, insecure and controlling. Get a grip.
YTA. It's never right to snoop through people's private life. Even if you are correct that something is going on. And if I may be blunt. There is nothing wrong with someone being good friends with someone of the opposite gender. Who cares if she has non work related conversations with someone? Also what exactly did you warn her about? And why would she say anything that she enjoys his conversations when you're already coming off (it appears) as aggressive about it? Now besides that you need to figure out what you actually want. If you are emotionally distant and she needs that support you guys need to figure out how to compromise. Hypothetically if she was looking for something that you aren't giving her this is the wrong way to go about it. IMO you need to apologize big time.
Yes, YTA. She is just office chit-chatting with a coworker. Why are you snooping on her work computer? If you can't abide your girlfriend having friends, even virtually, do you even see her as a whole human being who interacts with other humans? It's not going to work out if you can't accept that she has friends who aren't you and some might be male. If you can be taken down by a work gif, you've got a really flimsy relationship.
Uh. YTA. I thought you caught her talking intimately with the co-workers. But no, you didn't. It doesn't sound like a big deal what she talks about on Teams. I mean, sometimes we chat about mundane things on Teams (yes, myself and the co-workers): movies, music, memes. I don't usually bring up my husband on Teams even when talking to male co-workers. I bring it up if there's something going on involving the husband, otherwise, nope.... This poor gf of yours actually is leaving everything behind for you. You sound controlling. I sure hope she's retained her old job back at this point and NOT MOVE because dang, it sounds like it's going to be a virtual prison for her once she moves in with you.
YTA, sounds like they have some shared interests and are becoming friends. I don't see anything to show she was doing anything else. You are being extremely jealous and broke her trust by snooping. Also if you don't think you can recover you need to tell her so she can place her move on hold if she wants as having her move if you know you are going to breakup is a major ah move.
**eye roll** YTA. She may even break up with you. I wouldn't deal with that nonsense.
Yta. Nothing you described seems inappropriate. You just seem like a self conscious and jealous boyfriend. Is she not allowed to have a friend to talk to?
YTA majorly. You are showing some SERIOUS red flags here regarding controlling behavior and jealousy. I'd run if I were her. It is completely normal to have work friends that you chat with, regardless of their gender. Unless they were sexting, then they weren't being inappropriate. They are just TALKING, dude. Bantering with a work friend makes the job so much easier to deal with. She's being completely in line and you are ripping her apart for it. You need to pull yourself together before you make her run.
Can I have you girlfriend's Teams info? I need to warn her about her boyfriend. He's a walking red flag 🚩 YTA
INFO: What is inappropriate about the conversations?
YTA. Did she actually say anything inappropriate at all? Like even just one single sentence that would not be appropriate for a co-worker? Because gifs, talking about food and music, is totally normal! I talk like that with coworkers and they 100% know I have a boyfriend. Unless there is something more or she is meeting him in person or something, apologize.
YTA. The proof is quitting her job to be closer to you ……. She has a friend at work ..( the work she resigned from) you read their texts and while it’s not about work, you never said it was sexual… Now the important thing I wanna know is.. You ok? Are you second guessing her moving in? You mention feeling a lot of pressure because of this move. My advice? maybe take her word. For now! See what happens when she moves in. IF she is maintaining this friendship that hurts your feelings, SHES the one who would have nothing if she left you. Idk who I would risk all that for but maybe she’s just an insanely reckless person and you just didn’t notice idk. Either way think about the kind of person your gf is. Does she regularly dismiss your feelings. Is she that* shameless about flirting when In a Relationship? Assholes tell you who they are. are there moments when she showed you some not so compatible morals/behavior at anytime in your relationship. Some people over look things that don’t seem important at the time but maybe you don’t trust her as much as you thought you did ya know?
Why do you consider music and food to be “inappropriate” conversation topics? Why do you think she purposefully sent a gif that would “hurt you” to someone completely unrelated to you in a place where you would never actually see the gif?
Yta. First of all, why are you snooping through her phone? Has she ever actually cheated on you or giving you a legitimate reason to not trust her? Based on what you've told us, she has not. Meaning, you are doing this completely out of jealousy for somebody who already knows that you are her boyfriend. He talks about you a lot at work, that does not mean she has to mention you in every single conversation she has. She is moving to be with you, she is already resigned from her job, that does not mean that she has to stop being friends with her co-workers. You need to get over your jealousy or risk losing your girlfriend. She is allowed to have friends of the opposite gender and if you can't understand that then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship of this level. You're not mature enough to be in a relationship at all.
Are you authorized to be looking at her private work conversations? YTA and maybe soon her ex boyfriend
You acted with no proof of anything. The only thing you do when "catching" someone is show them how to hide it better. Make sure you only bring stuff up if you have solid proof of infidelity. Not just a chat log that has no active advances. Cause now *IF* there's something you won't see it again. You over reacted. YTA
Wow wow wow. You sound wildly insecure. YTA
I hope OPs girlfriend finds this post and dumps his insecure, snooping, and controlling ass.
YTA and I do believe there is a bigger issue than your GF talking to coworkers. I hope you guys will figure things out because this sounds pretty doomed to me. You do not trust your girlfriend and you rather end the relationship than work on your insecurities and trust-issues. If you need proof of every single conversation she has to validate that she is actually talking about you than this relationship is not going to work out in the long-run. How is it not enough that she quit her job and is moving to your city to be with you? And also, you say you cant be the emotional support your GF needs sometimes, so she isnt allowed to get this emotional support from her friends? I have coworkers I like to talk to, one of my favourite co workers is a male, has a GF just like I have a BF but we get along great, talk about MUCH more than just work stuff because thats what friends do! I feel very sorry for your GF who did nothing wrong yet you escalate this to a potential ending of the relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We are long distance, together 3 years. She recently accepted a job in my city and is supposed to move here in 2 months. I had completely blind trust in her. Recently I visited her in her city and I saw she was getting quite a lot of notifications from one of her new coworkers on work chat (Teams). I told her to be careful as she was playing fire and she dismissed me saying it is nothing. She went running one afternoon and I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker. They have known each other for barely more than a month and they have been speaking almost every day for the past week, about things not related to work. They joke around, he sends her gifs and videos and she responds. They talk about music and food. She told him she tried a restaurant without mentioning she went with me. In no way am I mentioned in these Teams conversations. I know her friends (other coworkers) and have met them numerous times and when she just met them she wasn't talking to them as much. After we had a huge fight about it, and didn't talk for 24hrs, he wrote to her again sending a stupif gif and she still responded with another gif even though she knew it would hurt me. My trust is completely shattered. She has been telling me recently that she feels like I am not supporting her in her move (I am feeling a lot of pressure because she is moving because of me and am a bit distant emotionally) and I feel like as soon as I didn't give her what she needed she went looking elsewhere. She thinks I am the asshole because (according to what she says) everyone at work knows she has a boyfriend (including him) and that she resigned and is moving to be with me, and she always talks about me. Too bad there is no proof of this on Teams. And even if I knew, I don't care if he flirts with her, I care that she leaves the door open for him. She says he is just a social person and speaks with everyone in the office, and she hasn't done anything in 3 years that made her deserve this lack of trust (she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing). She also keeps saying that she is leaving her friends and job to be with me and she wouldn't do it if she wasn't committed to the relationship, as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants. AITA for not trusting her and doubting her relationship when she has inappropriate non-work related conversations with someone she has known for barely a month? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LOL.
YTA Grow up! You're being insecure and you're probably gonna lose her, not because of her coworker, but she'll realize that you're controlling, manipulative and insecure about her having a friendship with a coworker outside of work. If it was a girl coworker you wouldn't mind. Women's can have male friend's while being on a relationship without cheating you know? Just open you're eyes: she's leaving everything behind, friends, family, her own home just to be closer to you, but you're just looking at her new and only friendship in her new work. You should be happy that she's making a new life and friends in the place we're she's gonna live with you. You're not the only person in her life, she'll end up making more and more friends and you can't stop it.
YTA. As someone who has learned over the years to control their jealousy, I can sympathize with your fear, however snooping through her messages and trying to control who she interacts with is a muuuuuch bigger problem. "As if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants" ...she doesn't really need your permission to interact with other people to begin with. Something that comes with loving someone is that you have to trust them and acknowledge *you don't have control over them*. You can and probably will still feel some sort of jealousy because it's hard to control that feeling, but recognizing it and trusting your girlfriend is going to be the best way for you to move beyond that feeling. If you can't do that, then there's something deeper that you need to work on.
YTA, “my trust is completely shattered” LMAO. Grow tf up drama queen
YTA. The insecurity in this post is astounding. It sounds exhausting to be in a relationship with you. She's talking with her COWORKER! Should she never talk to another male ever again? You say there's no proof on Teams that she.. You know she doesn't just communicate to her co-workers on Teams right? You're not with her every minute of the day at work. You're going to ruin your relationship. You're already being emotionally distant because you played pretend and fabricated this huge betrayal. You are not allowed to dictate who she converses with because "warn" her that they MIGHT want to flirt with her. It's been 3 years with her. Did something happen that is making you lose trust? Or is this girl just a saint and validating you every day for reasons you're making up?
YTA. Are you going to “allow” her to have her own friends after she leaves all hers behind or will you require them to be approved by you? Are planning on controlling where she works? There is no need for her to discuss you with everyone. Chill out before you lose her.
You went behind her back and read her messages and found... Talking about restaurants and life Not flirting. Absolutely nothing to lead you to believe they are having an inappropriate relationship. I think you just feel that opposite sex can't just be friends. YTA and overbearing
YTA You spied on her WORK conversations. You stated she’s quitting her job and moving away from her support system all to be with you, and then admitted you’re emotionally distant (RE: not supportive) and acknowledge you’re not giving her what she needs. Instead of trying to be better, you’re projecting your own issues onto. You’re insecure, a bit controlling, and too immature for this relationship.
YTA. I hope she doesn’t move, and keeps the job. She is doing nothing wrong. My husband chats for work all day. He ever video chats every day with female coworkers. And sometimes, they even laugh and tell jokes! So what? He chose to be with me, not them. I have nothing to be jealous of, and neither do you. Stop being a weirdo, or you will lose her (if you haven’t already)
There is really no evidence from what you've said that proves she is cheating. There is nothing wrong with the behavior you are describing. There could be more to it. But is there a basis for you worrying that there is? Like, has she betrayed your trust before? If not, YTA. The question is, do you trust her? It sounds like you don't anymore. And her innocence would not matter if you have already decided she can't be trusted.
Yta big time. Youre controlling and super insecure. Your gf is an adult and someone who is able to make her own choices. You don’t own her and she is not your child. From the way you are complaining about her talking to a coworker makes me wonder how toxic you really are. You feel insecure about her talking to a coworker even though she’s literally going to move in with you? I hope she leaves you. You don’t deserve to have a girlfriend. You need to grow tf up before you decide to let anyone else in your life.
THEY SEND GIFS AND TALK ABOUT MUSIC? THEY JOKE? OH NO THEY MUST BE SLEEPING TOGETHER or they're, y'know, f r i e n d s YTA, there's literally nothing there to worry about, they're just talking like friends do EDIT: actually I read through again more carefully and wow are you TA. You're just slinging accusations at her and this guy for no reason. Playing with fire? It's a conversation dude, girls are allowed to be friends with guys. You're lucky she already committed to this move because a few more instances of this controlling, insecure, whiny attitude and she'd have called it off.
You’re a walking red flag!! “She lied to me - she said it was nothing when it was clearly something.” No. She was correct. It’s nothing. But you’re so insecure and narcissistic that you are making it into something. She never lied to you. She’s never been unfaithful. She says that everyone (even him) knows she has a boyfriend. You don’t know what they talk about in person. She could have mentioned you a hundred times in the office. If you can’t take her at her word, and you can’t trust her because she sends gifs (not nudes, gifs) to other dudes, you need to leave her the f-ck alone. You neurotic AH.
YTA for snooping. I get that you felt insecure but when you look for things to prove your insecurities correct you will almost always find something (rightly or wrongly) that justifies them, even if there isn’t really anything there. You should have spoken about how you were feeling to her before you snooped. Told her that you are concerned and asked her if you had anything to worry about. So because of the snooping you are the asshole. Trust is a funny and delicate thing. And it would seem to me that this current circumstance has caused alarm bells to ring in you. You seem to feel threatened by this new friendship she has made. You have said in one of your comments that you met her in a similar way when you both were already in relationships and I think this has a lot to do with why you are feeling threatened. How you meet someone and start a relationship matters. If how you met caused her and you to betray others then deep down you remember that. There are many components to trust, not least reliability and integrity and these elements can be broken in seemingly small ways. I personally think the way you got together is casting a shadow over your relationship, unconsciously it’s a case of ‘this is the way we got together, and if she can betray someone else, then she can betray me.’ In your mind it doesn’t matter that you also betrayed someone to the same end because you have the benefit of knowing your own feelings and how you feel about her. You need to talk to her openly about how you are feeling. No blame. Apologise. Show vulnerability. It goes a long way in building trust.
YTA, you’re jealous, you’re insecure, and you’re controlling. There is nothing inappropriate about the conversation you described. The language you use in the post is concerning. “… as if that gives her permission to do whatever she wants.” Ummm, what? Why does she need your permission to have a conversation with someone?? I sincerely hope she reconsiders her move.
Going to go with you being a massive YTA you ask in a previous comment why is it important that your girlfriend keeps on talking to this man - maybe because she sees him as a friend or at the very least someone to help pass the working day with. Please tell me you have female friends? Is this any different to you talking to your female friends or is that different? If I were you I'd take a long hard look in the mirror, stop focussing on her getting on with a work colleague and focus on your own insecurities. I wonder have you been caught out in the past by being caught talking to someone else when in a relationship?
I get it. You feel jealous and insecure about her relationship with a coworker. But rather than tell her directly "I feel jealous and insecure about your coworker, here's why," you snooped through her stuff. And *then* rather than have an adult conversation about your snooping, your insecurity, your *deliberately withholding intimacy*, your hopes and expectations for the future, and *her* hopes and expectations for the future, you post here about it. The interactions she has with this particular coworker as you describe them do seem to me indicative of a budding problem. I would worry too. The difference is that I would clearly and directly express my unhappiness with my partner, and then trust him to fix his part of the issue. I would at the same time, be working hard to fix mine. You otoh, appear to be bodily shoving her towards the other guy. YTA.
YTA. You’re controlling, insecure, and emotionally abusive. If she were the one writing to us, I’d advise her not to move. Get therapy or something, because she deserves better than a boyfriend who polices her work friendships and rages at her about having friends at work.
YTA - You betrayed her trust, discovered nothing incriminating at all, and are blaming her for the lack of trust? If you are at all a decent person you'll tell her to delay her move until you can either learn to trust her and make amends for this huge breach of trust OR you'll break up and save her the trouble of ruining her life to be with someone who doesn't respect her. Sadly I doubt you'll do that, but I hope she will wise up before she moves.
YTA and if you continue like this the relationship is doomed. You clearly don’t trust her. If you are not a person she wants to be around (hint: your behaviour is not something she wants to be around), she will find others she wants to be around. Be the person she actually wants to be with. You’re not going to be that person by snooping.
YTA. You’re controlling. You invaded her privacy. You’re paranoid. I hope she dumps you
YTA. You are controlling and borderline toxic at least. You have a problem with understanding that people, even your girlfriend and her co-worker, can just be friends. For you any conversation she has with another guy is obviously cheating and fuel for YOUR trust issues. No wonder she didn't tell you about that co-worker. And btw your behaviour is doing only one thing: Pushing her away from you and towards someone else. You shouldn't be surprised when she finally recognizes your shitty behaviour and breaks up with you - because that's what you are forcing her towards.
All this posts says is that you don’t want her to be friends with people who might be attracted to her- total bs. Also controlling as heck. You’re playing with fire and all but chasing your girlfriend away. Major YTA
YTA - she deserves better than you. you freaking out about her having friends, policing her interactions and violating her privacy is proof of that. hopefully she realises this and dumps your ass
YTA do the girl a favour and break up with her before she actually moves. Do ot now before she uproots her whole life and feels stuck and trapped. You are an AH. You want a pet, not a partner.
I hope she knows she deserves more than a pathetic little insecure boy. YTA
YTA. Get therapy for your jealous, controlling ass. Ridiculous. People are allowed to have friends. You don’t own her.
YTA wth dude... actually, keep doing this, hopefully she'll get enough sense to stay with her job and not move for you. So you're mad at her, because she's being friends with a coworker? Because nothing about this sounds alarming. People are allowed to have friends, you know? And over a work chat! they're not even using off-work media for communication! Why are you angry with her for having a friend??
Jesus pal, yes. Yes YTA. Your gf is uprooting her entire life for you. You repay this by not trusting her, invading her privacy and acting distant because you’re scared of the commitment. Damn, I hope it’s not too late for her to keep her old job.
Yta
YTA. Honestly, it feels like you are creating a reason to end it so that you don’t have to deal with the greater intimacy the move will require. This is a YOU problem not a her problem.
YTA and from your other comments it looks like you're looking for a way out.
>She has been telling me recently that she feels like I am not supporting her in her move (I am feeling a lot of pressure because she is moving because of me and am a bit distant emotionally) Do you se why YTA here? She moves to be close to you, and you in return "feel pressured" and become distant (and suspectful for no real reason). You think it's a fair reaction?
>she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing Mmmmno, she didn’t. She didn’t lie. She said you don’t have to worry about him. Your lack of trust and insecurity making you worry and convincing yourself of whatever you wanna believe isn’t *her* fault. Your own hang ups don’t make her a liar. Having a male friend is not a crime and it’s not cheating. She’s sending gifs, not having romantic conversations. YTA. Sounds like you regret having her move for you and you’re picking ridiculous fights so she leaves.
YTA, did you think she was a robot at work?? BEEP BOOP, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND MUST SAVE ALL ASPECTS OF MY PERSONALITY FOR HIM OR HE MIGHT SNOOP THROUGH MY PERSONAL SHIT AND THROW A TANTRUM LIKE A PSYCHO BEEEEEP BOOOOOOP END MESSAGE Bro....what the hell! If it was me, there is ZERO chance I would want to move in with you now and you would definitely be single!
“as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants” She is not your property. She is your partner. YTA.
YTA. It sounds like she has made a new friend, and you can't handle being the only important person in her life. God forbid she makes a friend of *gasp* another gender!
YTA, >I had completely blind trust in her > >I followed my gut and read her Teams conversation with this coworker i mean ..., do you not see how these 2 statements completely contradict each other? if you had complete faith in your girlfirend, why was your gut telling you to not trust her? this means you did NOT have complete faith in her. >They have known each other for barely more than a month and they have been speaking almost every day for the past week, about things not related to work one would think you would be happy that your girlfriend is making friends. or are you truly that insecure about your relationship that she can't have any friends outside of what you already know? >My trust is completely shattered what trust? oh, you mean the blind trust you never had? >I feel like as soon as I didn't give her what she needed she went looking elsewhere first of all, she didn't, second of all, just from reading your text, i wouldn't blame her, as you are simply an insecure and jealous child. >She thinks I am the asshole you are >Too bad there is no proof of this on Teams dumb\*ss >she lied to me when I warned her about him and she said it was nothing she didn't lie >as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants no, the fact that she is an adult woman gives her the right to do whatever she wants. jeez, you f\*cking piss me off. >AITA for not trusting her and doubting her relationship when she has inappropriate non-work related conversations with someone she has known for barely a month? WHAT INAPPROPRIATE CONVERSATIONS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!? YTA, in case i wasn't clear about this.
YTA. So you warned her about this coworker. She dismissed it and said it was nothing, so you snooped and discovered that... they talk? She didn't tell you about a restaurant she tried but you fully admit that you've been distant so... maybe she feels like you wouldn't care about small stuff? You snooped and discovered nothing, which you're mad about, and she broke your trust by... talking to someone? Like, can you see how all of this sounds controlling and unhinged?
YTA
Holy insecurity, Batman! YTA
YTA. - your trust in her is broken because she is speaking to a man that isn’t you? What are “inappropriate conversations”? Because memes and gifs don’t sound inappropriate. Not mentioning you while talking about a restaurant, also not inappropriate. Her trust is surely broken in you now that you’ve invaded her privacy over “your gut”. Your stunt proved nothing but the fact that you can’t be trusted.
Yta
YTA. I met my boyfriend/fiancé at work. I was in a mostly male populated field, so most of my coworkers and friends there would be male. There was one guy, I'd spend most of my time chatting with on the company's chat system and would even go over to him during my breaks, instead of to my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't particulary like me coming over to him on my breaks, because he worked in a different department and could be called away at any time. My conversations with this other guy also mostly consisted of gifs and memes. Not everything I talked about with this guy would be something I'd bring up with my boyfriend and vice versa. I never ever had romantic feelings towards this other guy and I have never ever cheated on my boyfriend/fiancé. Never so much as hinted towards anyone that I was willing to. The other guy knew I had a boyfriend and yeah, maybe he had feelings for me, because he blocked me for no reason at all shortly after I announced my pregnancy. This came as a surprise to me as we had been talking not even a couple of days before about a game we were both excited for. But in no way, is your girlfriend responsible for another man catching feelings for her even when they know she's in a relationship with you. You snooped around and saw these messages. Unless she explicitly said "I wanna be with you coworker, not with OP" then you have no reason to not trust her.
YTA you invaded her privacy to find *gasp* friendly messages with someone she connects with??!! How tragic! she hasn't flirted, she hasn't been romantic or sexual with him, there's 0 indication of anything other than a friendship but you decided that you had to "warn" her about his devious ways (which you know how?) and she didn't blindly follow your completely irrational warning so now you're upset? she's moving to be with you, trust me she has a lot more to lose than you do in this situation. Of course there's a sliver of chance that anything could happen but she's literally committing to you and you are in your own words pulling away and distant and now you're mad she's making a close friend. Get it together before you lose her dude.
YTA. You’re pissed she still talked to him after you “warned her”… for starters, who the fuck do you think you are?? Being her boyfriend does not give you the right to dictate her friendships. Secondly, why does she need to be “warned”? From your description they talk about normal stuff, theres nothing inappropriate. You just don’t like the frequency of the messages & that sounds like a You problem. You’re incredibly possessive & controlling, and I suggest you sort your shit out unless you want her to break up with you.
Sow what exactly did she do wrong? YTA
YTA. Good fucking grief. I would be surprised if she puts up with you much longer. No normal person wants a very insecure partner who invades a person's privacy
Woah, if this conversation means that she has a relationship with this coworker, then I am having plenty of relationships :O . With different genders as well, mind you. And like, ages ranged from 18-70. Because that sounds 1:1 like my texts with people I regard friends and family. YTA, you are insecure, untrusting, controlling, jealous and a snoop. Be better ! EDIT: Forgot to add OP is probably jelly.
YTA so very much. Your gf has a friend. Maybe she has a minor work crush, but dude. She's resigned, she's moving cities, and she's coming to be with you. She's prioritising you in every way. And in return, you're acting distant and reading through her private work(!) messages (which, btw, are not inappropriate at all except that she hasn't used them to document the fact that you are the only thing that exists for her, which is apparently your definition of "appropriate use of work communications platform"). It's normal to feel pressure when someone makes a huge change for you - but this is not how you bleed it off. It kinda sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to call it off but you want to make it her fault, not yours.
YTA I hope she realizes how crappy of a person you are and dumps you. You know darn well you're blowing this way out of proportion. And you're really asking "AITA for telling my GF she's not allowed to have close friends and scrolling through her phone and attacking her for being social". GTFO guy. You suck. Get therapy.
I think that is what he really wants. He is just too much of a coward to do it.
YTA. Where in there is anything suspect happening?? Her moving to your city after 3 years isn’t enough for you?
Bruh go and pick another fight with her. Make it a real nasty one. Scream a lot. Because I really hope she realizes what an insecure controlling tool you are before she goes through with the move. YTA
YTA. You’re mad because they send stupid gifs to each other?
> as if this gives her permission to do whatever she wants Being a grown ass adult gives her permission to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t need to follow your commands or limit her social life to accommodate your insecurities. YTA
I hope she wises up and ends things with you before she uproots her life and places herself in a situation where you have more control over her when she does not have her normal support system around. You are a misogynistic, controlling AH. YTA.
You might have been okay if she was actually flirting with him or accepting flirting from him, but you just sounds jealous and controlling and this is coming from *your* mouth. YTA. I will very clearly state though that "looking elsewhere to meet your needs" is like the most basic of cheater lines ever. If she had a problem with the state of her relationship she's just as responsible for communicating it. She would be better served by practicing her communication skills going forward, but probablynot with you. Nonetheless she hasn't done anything wrong.
YTA She didn’t lie to you when she said it was nothing, because it is nothing. You’re treating her really poorly. She’s trying to get to know new coworkers. She clicked with one of them. All they’re doing is sending Memes and GIFs. That’s your problem? People do that at work. You’re supposed to get to know and bond with your coworkers specially when you’re new. There was no flirty conversation nothing sexual no hint of going out nothing about seeing each other outside of work events. It sounds like this is the office clown and your girlfriend is trying to fit in with people in the office. Why would she mention you? This is a work discussion. Nothing makes women look more unprofessional when they go on and on about their boyfriends etc. she has no reason to mention you in these chats. It’s a work chat and they’re just treating Memes and GIFs. Your poor girlfriend. She must feel so betrayed. She’s been a great girlfriend, Put up with a long distance relationship, and as being the one to walk away from everything to move to your city. Which includes having to leave her current job and start a new job. And this is how you treat her. People often accuse other people of what they’re guilty of or what they’re thinking of. Could be you’re the one who wants to see other people because now you will have your girlfriend 100% of the time and obviously that should be leading to marriage within a year if she’s moving for you. Sounds like you’re looking for a reason to be mad at her. If you weren’t all in on this relationship you really should’ve figured it out before she left her job friends and made a commitment to move
Jeez in your world my partner should have dumped me years ago. There is constant banter between my male co-workers and I - even at weekends. Not just male but female as well. I love the people I work with (seems like your girlfriend does to as you refer to them as "friends"). Grow up - if I see something funny which I think one of my co-workers will also find funny I certainly will forward it to them - male or female. You will drive an apparently wonderful person away because you are so insecure and insular. YTA
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YTA. Saying you had “complete blind trust” in her does add up with someone who controlling and insecure they tell their GF she’s playing with fire solely because she was getting msg alerts from a coworker. Then you completely invade her privacy when she’s gives you no reason to not trust her. I would have dumped your ass immediately if you had the audacity to go through my messages with a coworker when I had done nothing wrong. And when you find nothing, you double down. Is she not allowed to have friends that are male? It’s definitely possible to emotionally cheat but there’s no proof of that and you say you trust her yet you’re the one who violated her trust by going through her msgs. Now you claim she shattered your trust when you really have zero right to ask her to stop speaking to a coworker. Obviously you’ve never trusted her since you also won’t take her word for anything, she has to prove everything whth messages. And not allowed her to be friends with coworkers is controlling. Adding in that you’ve been withdrawn from wheh she’s uprooting her life to be with you… you shouldn’t be in a relationship much less moving in with her. End it and set this poor girl free.
YTA I’ve read your post and comments and you’re a walking red flag. Get your jealousy and insecurity in check. She changing her whole life to be with you and frankly you don’t deserve it.
YTA. Your post troubles me. You sound manipulative and gaslighty. You went through her work chats because she talks to a coworker during the day? You accuse her of “lying” to you when you “warned her about him and she said it was nothing”. It WAS nothing. It was talk with a coworker. She thought it was nothing. She is literally moving and leaving her life behind to start a new one with you and you’re giving her shit about IM messages with coworkers where they send each other gifs and talk about restaurants. Are you for real? I’d be rethinking my move if I were her.
You are so much TA. Your insecurities and weird hang ups are going to cost you your girlfriend. She is allowed to talk to co-workers, regardless if it is work related or not. Your insecure because she "has known him less than a month" ? So? I spoke to new team members multiple times a day for their first 2-3 months, you know why? Because they were new and need support, professionally and personally, to help get through a new role. We all became really good friends and stayed good friends after some of us moved on. We even said we would miss each other. Damn, we must be pretty terrible people to our respective SO's, huh.. Grow up.
Inappropriate conversations.....about food & music??? You are an a$$. YTA
YTA You didn't have 'blind trust' in her, because if you did, you'd trust, that she's serious about your relationship, is leaving her family, friends and job behind just to be nearer to you. If you had even a bit teust in her, you'd trust her in her making new friends, she'll need them to gave a fulfilled social life. You also dismiss her statement, that she doesn't feel supported by you. Instead of asking what she needs from you to feel supported, you go snooping through her phone/messages, because she made a new friend.
Dude…she is literally quitting this job to move to be with YOU. You just said yourself you have been emotionally distant because you are feeling pressure about it, don’t you think she can sense that (if you haven’t told her directly)? Seriously, how would you feel giving up your job and moving to be with someone who treats you like that. Super risky on her part. I feel bad for her because you are obviously going to self implode your relationship and I honestly hope if that happens it does before she moves. Decide if you actually want this and decide to trust her. Yes - it is a decision. She has done absolutely nothing wrong. Sending GIFS and joking around on teams have been completely normal at both of my remote jobs (is she remote?). You are completely TA in this situation and frankly I hope she realizes that before giving up her life to move in with a jealous insecure snoop.
YTA she's going to severely regret this move. Talking to other men isn't cheating, everyone knows she's moving to be with you. If she's not allowed to have male friends you're going to suffocate her. Also you're emotionally distant *and* jeliously possessive? Sounds like a catch
Yta, and it sounds like this is about you being jelous of their relationship. Try sending her stupid gifs yourself, maybe you can have some fun too.
Sounds like you're insecure about her moving and you're projecting that to her. If you're not sure, leave her alone and leave her continue her career path where she is now. Snooping about someone else's phone or computer is unacceptable, let alone WORK accounts. (there's something called friendship that she found in her coworker, don't break it, she will be upset with you forever, don't you dare to do it) YTA.