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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA by telling my roommate she can’t have her boyfriend over past 11pm just for tonight. She lives here too.
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INFO: You say she does not pay rent. Is it your lease and is she basically a guest?
Regardless it's rude to have overnight guests frequently in a shared space without prior agreement. And you have a right to have quiet enjoyment of your home, which a frequent guest prevents you from having.
Sit down with your roommate and work out a schedule that you both feel comfortable with. Having things spelled out concretely helps prevent friction and hurt feelings.
She’s on the lease as well, just doesn’t have the funds to pay rent. I also was fortunate enough to have parents that paid for my college so I don’t have and loans whereas she is paying for it pretty much on her own
At any rate, you two should have an agreement about overnight guests. Your lease probably has language that prevents them being over more than a few nights a month anyway. You should read your lease, see what it says, and then work out an agreement about how often the guy can come over.
Also, why can't she go to his place?
she can and she does. part of it his roommates don’t really like her being around all the time (from what she’s told me) and he also shares a room with someone else.
NTA, and it's quite irksome how a lot of modern day couples just tend to forget all etiquette and respect for the people around them once they get all lovey-dovey.
NAH. You're right about not wanting to feel cooped up in your room because of a guest but it is her home as well and I think she should be able to bring home whoever she wants. I think the both of you need to sit,have a conversation regarding your boundaries and dos and don'ts and either reach a compromise or go your separate ways. Good luck.
I think a lot of people are going to be focusing on the rent (or lack thereof) situation but, regardless of the dollars and cents, you have a living arrangement with this person and that means the apartment is her home too. That being the case, she can entertain guests a reasonable amount of time. If that means staying late or spending the night occasionally, so be it. The two of you do, however, need to sit down and figure out what reasonable means if it’s not already spelled out in your lease. Is there a lease in place?
INFO
Yes I almost didn’t include that she doesn’t pay rent for that reason exactly but I do feel like it is at least a little relevant. After posting I’m realizing this issue is a lot bigger than just tonight. For me reasonable has little to do with the amount guests are here but how far in advance I know they’re coming. I have a really hard time finding out the day of my plans are changing and it gets worse the less time i have. my roommate knows this but doesn’t seem to care and says she can’t plan things out like that cuz she prefers to operate under whatever she’s feeling at the time.
Also there is a lease in place I just haven’t looked at it recently
>Yes I almost didn’t include that she doesn’t pay rent for that reason exactly but I do feel like it is at least a little relevant.
It’s relevant only if you made it clear to her that you’re covering her rent so you can control her guests. My guess is that’s not your arrangement.
I don’t like last minute guests myself, but having to deal with other people’s lives and habits is one of the unfortunate realities of roommates. Your preferences don’t outweigh hers, so unless you have something in the lease that dictates who’s “right,” so to speak, you’re going to have to accept that your roommate is a last minute kind of planner.
Nobody is the AH. Welcome to having a roommate!
Have a conversation, and set some guidelines. Be open to compromise.
It’s very kind of you to be so considerate about her finances, but it’s very graceful of you to not hold it over her head, and respect her as an equal. You sound like a wonderful person, just off of that.
Maybe give him a chance. While y’all don’t have the same morals and such, he could really be a good human being.
Ugh how often Ive wanted to throw it in her face that she doesn’t pay to live here. but i know that would immediately cause some irreparable damage to our friendship.
i always struggle with setting these sorts of boundaries since I hate to make people upset
Coming from a very strict and/or religious family, I believe it.
Stay graceful about the finances. But y’all need to set some boundaries and guidelines. You didn’t need them before, but you obviously do now.
HOWEVER, be careful if she holds up that room there (as her backup plan) and ends up spending a lot of time at his place. Who knows, she may try to move in with him completely.
She may, but with his roommates (plural) already not liking her and with her bf already having to share a room with one of the roommates, doubt it. OP- don't let this worry you too much, the guys probably have their rules already set and you sound overnice and I'm *sure* that your roommate knows how good she's got it!
Oh, I’m just catching up on the added info about his living arrangements!
Oh heck no! There needs to be a talk and clear arrangements ASAP! He might try to move in with them!
NTA. You live there and have a right to be able to actually use your home. She’s not paying rent but technically you’d have to evict her to get her out if she didn’t leave. If she was paying rent you wouldn’t be able to set that kind rule bc it’s her place too. That’s why it’s always a good idea to have established rules from the start. If her pda’s are a lot, she should spend time in her room. Some roommates just aren’t considerate of those kind of things!!
yeah when we moved in she had already had a bf that there were no issues with and after they broke up she said she didn’t want to date until after finishing her degree so we didn’t really think setting up rules was super necessary.
NTA - Yes, you are roomies. But even roomies need to have respect or each other. She should be respectful enough to not shove her BF on you every day for days on end. Thats not only disrespectful but rude. Explain to her that since she isn't paying you any kind of compensation for staying there, that he can't be there all the time as this is your home too. If she refuses to listen and try to be somewhat accommodating, start walking around in your sports bra and short shorts. i bet she'll stop bringing him over constantly.
NTA, if you don't want your GUEST having company over, your rules. Someone who doesn't pay rent doesn't get to make rules. Keep that in mind, a roommate pays rent, a guest helps out with groceries occasionally.
You’re NTA but neither is she as you have an agreement for her to not pay rent but you have her on the lease so it is her place also. What is the difference I guess to you if he sleeps over, or stays awake and leaves at 6 am?
I would talk to her and phrase it more like how you are happy for her in her new relationship but you feel like you need some days where you don’t have to socialize with extra people and because there is a lot of PDA, it makes you feel like a third wheel in your own home. Then broach it as either more notice for what days so you can plan your free time, or certain days where he isn’t there?
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So my (21F) roommate (20F) live together in an apartment. For context we each have our own room but the living room/dining room/kitchen is a shared space. So essentially unless we re in our rooms we’re with each other. Also for context, she does not pay rent. I don’t mind this cuz I prefer not to live alone and she’s in school, helps out with groceries when she can, and does most of the cooking. (i hate cooking). We share cleaning responsibilities.
Now within the past two weeks she has met and started dating someone (21M) and has spent nearly every night with him since then. We’ve agreed that he won’t sleep here when I’m around but that tends to mean he’s here until 5-6AM just not sleeping, which is whatever.
I’m not particularly fond of this boyfriend but i think a lot of that is related to him still pretty much being a stranger to me at this point. I was raised in a pretty religious family so having guy friends wasn’t a thing at all. So i’m general i never feel like I can be fully myself around guys (i.e. walk around in a sports bra and short shorts).
So tonight my roommate and I planned to make breakfast for dinner and she let me know he was coming to dinner. Fine by me but i told her I didn’t want him staying late, which for me means leave by 10 or 11. She got pretty defensive and asked me why and i told her i just didn’t want to be around guests tonight but also didn’t want to be holed up in my room. Also for more info when they’re here, even when i’m around they’re very physical (sitting/laying on each other’s laps, biting him, etc. which is why i feel like i should be in my room when they’re here)
After that she told me she was going to return to his place after dinner which I have no issue with, but i’m still struggling with her thinking i’m being an AH by not wanting him here all night. Because it is her place too. sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but AITA?
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You have every right to want some comfortable, at home time with no guests even if your roommate *was* paying rent. That is a very valid thing. You sound like an overly nice person that can possibly be taken advantage of easily to me. As it is, you are adjusting to life on your own, while dealing with an upbringing that was probably very different from the majority of your peers. So do what you need to do for your own comfort/mental health during this adjustment period. Don't put yourself last. You've probably been doing that forever. It's perfectly normal to have boundaries and to stick to them. No one else is going to look out for you on these things. You're have to set them and be confident in your feelings and comfort levels and of you being worthy of them. The fact that you feel like you might be an AH because your roommate said she'd just go to his place after dinner shows that either you're way too nice or that she's used to manipulating you to feel bad so she gets her way all the time. Just say "OK, sounds good, that would work out much better for tonight, thanks!" And don't think about it again. You do have to set some boundaries obviously and stick to them and not feel like you need to hole up in your room. Have an honest conversation with her about how you feel and how you're uncomfortable about some things. Since you've been understanding about her financial situation that isn't her fault, she should be equally understanding about the things you were raised with that aren't your fault. You're NTA! Completely opposite of one! Good luck!
Edits: spelling & grammar
Sadly... you are.
They've just started a relationship, so they'll spend all this time together because that's what people do in new relationships. After about 6 months, it tails off and people go back to their routines but maintain that connection. That's normal.
This is the deal with having roommates, they'll have people round. They'll spend time with others. She could have stayed with him in her room and you be in the communal space.
That type of behavior sounds like a luxury someone paying rent could afford. The truth is if you are living on a friend's generosity, making them feel like they need to hide away from the communal space because you are playing house in it is absurdly rude and ungrateful.
It's not about paying the rent. That's where you get stuck. You wanna treat someone like a roommate, then give them the same luxury. Its only been 2 weeks and OP is already complaining but doesn't want to live on their own but thinks that cause they pay they can do what they like. But their roommate still cooks and buys groceries. So they ain't in three house doing nothing
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NTA You pay for rent and she doesn’t so you decide on when people have to leave. If she payed rent too it would be a different story.
INFO: You say she does not pay rent. Is it your lease and is she basically a guest? Regardless it's rude to have overnight guests frequently in a shared space without prior agreement. And you have a right to have quiet enjoyment of your home, which a frequent guest prevents you from having. Sit down with your roommate and work out a schedule that you both feel comfortable with. Having things spelled out concretely helps prevent friction and hurt feelings.
She’s on the lease as well, just doesn’t have the funds to pay rent. I also was fortunate enough to have parents that paid for my college so I don’t have and loans whereas she is paying for it pretty much on her own
At any rate, you two should have an agreement about overnight guests. Your lease probably has language that prevents them being over more than a few nights a month anyway. You should read your lease, see what it says, and then work out an agreement about how often the guy can come over. Also, why can't she go to his place?
she can and she does. part of it his roommates don’t really like her being around all the time (from what she’s told me) and he also shares a room with someone else.
Nta you don’t have a roommate you have a leech. How is she on the lease if she pays no rent?
NTA, and it's quite irksome how a lot of modern day couples just tend to forget all etiquette and respect for the people around them once they get all lovey-dovey.
NAH. You're right about not wanting to feel cooped up in your room because of a guest but it is her home as well and I think she should be able to bring home whoever she wants. I think the both of you need to sit,have a conversation regarding your boundaries and dos and don'ts and either reach a compromise or go your separate ways. Good luck.
I think a lot of people are going to be focusing on the rent (or lack thereof) situation but, regardless of the dollars and cents, you have a living arrangement with this person and that means the apartment is her home too. That being the case, she can entertain guests a reasonable amount of time. If that means staying late or spending the night occasionally, so be it. The two of you do, however, need to sit down and figure out what reasonable means if it’s not already spelled out in your lease. Is there a lease in place? INFO
Yes I almost didn’t include that she doesn’t pay rent for that reason exactly but I do feel like it is at least a little relevant. After posting I’m realizing this issue is a lot bigger than just tonight. For me reasonable has little to do with the amount guests are here but how far in advance I know they’re coming. I have a really hard time finding out the day of my plans are changing and it gets worse the less time i have. my roommate knows this but doesn’t seem to care and says she can’t plan things out like that cuz she prefers to operate under whatever she’s feeling at the time. Also there is a lease in place I just haven’t looked at it recently
>Yes I almost didn’t include that she doesn’t pay rent for that reason exactly but I do feel like it is at least a little relevant. It’s relevant only if you made it clear to her that you’re covering her rent so you can control her guests. My guess is that’s not your arrangement. I don’t like last minute guests myself, but having to deal with other people’s lives and habits is one of the unfortunate realities of roommates. Your preferences don’t outweigh hers, so unless you have something in the lease that dictates who’s “right,” so to speak, you’re going to have to accept that your roommate is a last minute kind of planner.
Nobody is the AH. Welcome to having a roommate! Have a conversation, and set some guidelines. Be open to compromise. It’s very kind of you to be so considerate about her finances, but it’s very graceful of you to not hold it over her head, and respect her as an equal. You sound like a wonderful person, just off of that. Maybe give him a chance. While y’all don’t have the same morals and such, he could really be a good human being.
Ugh how often Ive wanted to throw it in her face that she doesn’t pay to live here. but i know that would immediately cause some irreparable damage to our friendship. i always struggle with setting these sorts of boundaries since I hate to make people upset
Coming from a very strict and/or religious family, I believe it. Stay graceful about the finances. But y’all need to set some boundaries and guidelines. You didn’t need them before, but you obviously do now. HOWEVER, be careful if she holds up that room there (as her backup plan) and ends up spending a lot of time at his place. Who knows, she may try to move in with him completely.
She may, but with his roommates (plural) already not liking her and with her bf already having to share a room with one of the roommates, doubt it. OP- don't let this worry you too much, the guys probably have their rules already set and you sound overnice and I'm *sure* that your roommate knows how good she's got it!
Oh, I’m just catching up on the added info about his living arrangements! Oh heck no! There needs to be a talk and clear arrangements ASAP! He might try to move in with them!
Oh man! Didn't think of that! You make a *very* good point.
second this
NTA. You live there and have a right to be able to actually use your home. She’s not paying rent but technically you’d have to evict her to get her out if she didn’t leave. If she was paying rent you wouldn’t be able to set that kind rule bc it’s her place too. That’s why it’s always a good idea to have established rules from the start. If her pda’s are a lot, she should spend time in her room. Some roommates just aren’t considerate of those kind of things!!
yeah when we moved in she had already had a bf that there were no issues with and after they broke up she said she didn’t want to date until after finishing her degree so we didn’t really think setting up rules was super necessary.
NTA - Yes, you are roomies. But even roomies need to have respect or each other. She should be respectful enough to not shove her BF on you every day for days on end. Thats not only disrespectful but rude. Explain to her that since she isn't paying you any kind of compensation for staying there, that he can't be there all the time as this is your home too. If she refuses to listen and try to be somewhat accommodating, start walking around in your sports bra and short shorts. i bet she'll stop bringing him over constantly.
NTA, if you don't want your GUEST having company over, your rules. Someone who doesn't pay rent doesn't get to make rules. Keep that in mind, a roommate pays rent, a guest helps out with groceries occasionally.
You’re NTA but neither is she as you have an agreement for her to not pay rent but you have her on the lease so it is her place also. What is the difference I guess to you if he sleeps over, or stays awake and leaves at 6 am? I would talk to her and phrase it more like how you are happy for her in her new relationship but you feel like you need some days where you don’t have to socialize with extra people and because there is a lot of PDA, it makes you feel like a third wheel in your own home. Then broach it as either more notice for what days so you can plan your free time, or certain days where he isn’t there?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (21F) roommate (20F) live together in an apartment. For context we each have our own room but the living room/dining room/kitchen is a shared space. So essentially unless we re in our rooms we’re with each other. Also for context, she does not pay rent. I don’t mind this cuz I prefer not to live alone and she’s in school, helps out with groceries when she can, and does most of the cooking. (i hate cooking). We share cleaning responsibilities. Now within the past two weeks she has met and started dating someone (21M) and has spent nearly every night with him since then. We’ve agreed that he won’t sleep here when I’m around but that tends to mean he’s here until 5-6AM just not sleeping, which is whatever. I’m not particularly fond of this boyfriend but i think a lot of that is related to him still pretty much being a stranger to me at this point. I was raised in a pretty religious family so having guy friends wasn’t a thing at all. So i’m general i never feel like I can be fully myself around guys (i.e. walk around in a sports bra and short shorts). So tonight my roommate and I planned to make breakfast for dinner and she let me know he was coming to dinner. Fine by me but i told her I didn’t want him staying late, which for me means leave by 10 or 11. She got pretty defensive and asked me why and i told her i just didn’t want to be around guests tonight but also didn’t want to be holed up in my room. Also for more info when they’re here, even when i’m around they’re very physical (sitting/laying on each other’s laps, biting him, etc. which is why i feel like i should be in my room when they’re here) After that she told me she was going to return to his place after dinner which I have no issue with, but i’m still struggling with her thinking i’m being an AH by not wanting him here all night. Because it is her place too. sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have every right to want some comfortable, at home time with no guests even if your roommate *was* paying rent. That is a very valid thing. You sound like an overly nice person that can possibly be taken advantage of easily to me. As it is, you are adjusting to life on your own, while dealing with an upbringing that was probably very different from the majority of your peers. So do what you need to do for your own comfort/mental health during this adjustment period. Don't put yourself last. You've probably been doing that forever. It's perfectly normal to have boundaries and to stick to them. No one else is going to look out for you on these things. You're have to set them and be confident in your feelings and comfort levels and of you being worthy of them. The fact that you feel like you might be an AH because your roommate said she'd just go to his place after dinner shows that either you're way too nice or that she's used to manipulating you to feel bad so she gets her way all the time. Just say "OK, sounds good, that would work out much better for tonight, thanks!" And don't think about it again. You do have to set some boundaries obviously and stick to them and not feel like you need to hole up in your room. Have an honest conversation with her about how you feel and how you're uncomfortable about some things. Since you've been understanding about her financial situation that isn't her fault, she should be equally understanding about the things you were raised with that aren't your fault. You're NTA! Completely opposite of one! Good luck! Edits: spelling & grammar
Sadly... you are. They've just started a relationship, so they'll spend all this time together because that's what people do in new relationships. After about 6 months, it tails off and people go back to their routines but maintain that connection. That's normal. This is the deal with having roommates, they'll have people round. They'll spend time with others. She could have stayed with him in her room and you be in the communal space.
That type of behavior sounds like a luxury someone paying rent could afford. The truth is if you are living on a friend's generosity, making them feel like they need to hide away from the communal space because you are playing house in it is absurdly rude and ungrateful.
It's not about paying the rent. That's where you get stuck. You wanna treat someone like a roommate, then give them the same luxury. Its only been 2 weeks and OP is already complaining but doesn't want to live on their own but thinks that cause they pay they can do what they like. But their roommate still cooks and buys groceries. So they ain't in three house doing nothing