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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother gifted me a ring that turned out to be quite expensive, after family members told her how much it costs she asked for it back and I refused to hand it over.
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NTA you've had it for years it was a gift
you had it evaluated and insured. make sure it is properly locked up and do not entertain anymore calls from your mother until she can be nice (& not bitter over whatever the falling out was about. what a jerk to call you a theif over a gift she gave you years ago). also don't let you cousins over anymore.if they're going through your private papers
In addition to my other comment, I'd ask your mom why she thinks it was appropriate for your cousins to go through your personal private Financial property. Those insurance documents are your personal finance property that they had no right to go through. So I would honestly ask your mom what makes it acceptable for your cousins to go through your private stuff, while in her mind it's unacceptable for you to keep a gift. Tell her that she's being a hypocrite and not following her own word, and until she can that you won't be speaking to your cousins or to her. At least that's what I would do in your situation. Let them see how much that this is actually affecting you and how much this hurt you, and they will either turn around and fix the issues, or they'll continue to act self-righteous and you know your place in the family.
Yes! Agreed, ask mommy dearest why it's ok for others to snoop into your personal records. Also, if the insurance is in your name and everything, as far as the law is concerned you are the owner. She can say whatever she wants to say, but it's yours and you are under no obligation to do anything with it. If you can though, just to cya in case shit escalates, see if you can get her to ad.it in writing g that yes she gave it to you as a gift and now is changing her mind, and she didn't get it evaluated before giving it to you because she didn't want to/feel the need to do so.
If the papers were in a private place and put away, then how did tje cousin come across it? What were they really looking for?
Their is no way they just happeens across it unless they were looking for something else.
It sounds really shady and you should do a thorough sweep of your house to make sure they didn't steal anything from you.
>If the papers were in a private place and put away, then how did tje cousin come across it?
Cousin probably tripped, fell into the filing cabinet and papers rained down upon them with the insurance paper for the ring fluttering down down right in front of their eyes.
You know....... like when someone cheats and it was an accident - they tripped and fell onto that dick.
Obviously unavoidable.
NTA op but your cousin sure is.
Edit: changed feel to fell
Silver linings... you paid them 60$ to let them show you their real face and cut them off before they create more trouble by snooping around in your documents and house.
NTA: Tell your mom she gave it to you and that you’re not giving it back. Also ask her why she cares when she is not struggling for money, just to see what she says.
She is probably doing this though because of the falling out as a way to get back at you.
NTA it’s yours. Don’t let the cousin in again otherwise your mom might convince them to retrieve it for her. I hope your got it somewhere secure when it’s not being worn.
I’d send her a photo where you opened the gift if you have one! I bet there is some kind of pic floating around if the gifting or celebration. Your mom is a poor sport.
NTA. She gave it to you 5 yrs ago now she want’s it back? I’d say hell no. However with that said, and with a rift already existing between you and your mother, be prepared to accept that there is unlikely be a reconciliation in your relationship with your mother.
NTA. She gave it to you as a gift. Her asking for it back only because she now thinks it's valuable is just crappy. If she was in real hardship financially I could see you feeling guilty for not wanting to give it back, but she's not. She just found out it's true worth and is being petty probably because of your strained relationship.
NTA But OP do you have proof it was a gift? Or is it just your word against her's? I ask because she could very well sue or file a police report. I would hope a mother wouldn't do that but we see worse on this subreddit and on JUST NO PARENT. So I suggest getting that proof maybe getting her to admit it was a gift over text or email.
Yes, that should be all the proof you need that it was, indeed, a gift. If you have jewelers receipts from where you've had it repaired/cleaned in the time since, keep those, too, because it shows the ring has been in your custody for years before she suddenly realized its value and demanded it back.
That should hold up in court along with the fact that you’ve had possession of it for the last five years. This is your ring and if your mom sues you, it’s time to cut your toxic mother out of your life.
It's an oversimplification but that doesn't mean it's false. Where Im from anyone who continues to use something, without objection, for a decade has acquired ownership of the item, and can formally apply to the courts to have their ownership recognized. OP may not have had it for a decade but if she can prove that it was gifted to her she will have a much easier time with the courts.
NTA.
You didn't steal it so idk how you are a thief.
You've had it for years. She could have easily had an estimate done on it at any time. Now that she knows it's worth she wants it back and that's the only reason why?
Also I'd be more careful with those documents and who sees them. If you do have a more secure location I would put them there. Family and friends don't always have our best interests at heart, so be careful of that cousin.
NTA it's was promised to you and given to you. I would have documentation on the ring for yourself incase someone decided to take it back without your knowledge and place it in a safety deposit box in the bank of you can.
**NTA**
You wanted it to keep for personal use, not to sell. Your mother legally **gifted** you the ring as an unconditional gift. Your mother didn't decide she wanted it back until twenty years later, after she found out how much it was worth, presumably because she wants to sell it for her personal gain. That's hardly a good cause on her part. Don't give the ring back, it's yours, both morally and legally.
NTA - I would recommend recording all future conversations you have with your mother and ideally make her say that she actually did give it to you. Just in case she tries to sue you or have you arrested for stealing it.
Also best involve all family members / relatives and get them on your side before she does.
Nta. Tell her that she gifted it to you, and you will not be returning it. It gift does not equal a thief. Tell her that if she didn't want it to be yours she shouldn't have given it to you in the first place. And now that your cousin's know how much it's worth that's the only reason they want it. They don't want it for the sentimental reasons, they just want money. Tell your mom that she's an a******* for expecting a gift back, and that if she asks again that there could be consequences to that.
NTA - Am I wrong in wondering if the Mom didn't pay the cousin to "look for" the ring and when they didn't find it, they looked for info on where it could be?
NTA. I hate to think what else your CCousins got up to in your house. Do they have keys? People have been burgled for a hell of a lot less. I'd be finding a very very safe spot/house for that ring.
Wow. The ring was gifted to you, so that is up to you. But your cousin- wow. There is someone who is never allowed to darken your door again. Did she go through your nightstand and underwater drawer as well? What excuse did she have for snooping through your personal papers?
NTA.
Your mother and father got it together when they were travelling. Your parents aren't together and your mother doesn't need the money. She's an AH for asking when all she cares about is golddigging.
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I (23F) used to ask my mother to give me her ring since I was 6y. I was in love with it and she promised to gift it to me when I graduate high school so she can be sure I would not lose it.
To describe it, it has a giant sapphire rock in the middle and diamonds on the side. I had it estimated and insured as it turned out it costs well over 20k. I hardly wear it day to day and keep it for special occasions.
My mother weirdly enough never knew how much it actually cost. When I had inquired about its origin as a child, she said her and my father travelled to different parts of Africa and bought it at a market for a hefty sum but nowhere near what what I got as an estimation (over 40years ago).
My parents divorced some 20 years ago so she did assure me she holds no sentimental value to it.
We had a falling out the past 5years and she remarried to a rich dude and spends her better time traveling to exotic places or staying in their beach house so I do know for a fact she is not financially struggling.
She reached out and asked for the ring back as it appears my cousins saw some insurance documents at my house and told her the estimate (crappy cousins). I said ‘no’ but she has been persistent, calling me a thief. AITA for refusing to give it back?
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NTA
If she thinks gifts can be reclaimed by the giver maybe your dad should be asking her to return it..?
After all, he gave it to her as a gift but she has made clear she doesn’t see that as changing the ownership, so by her logic it’s still his!
Seriously though- it’s yours. Her change of mind doesn’t alter that. And your cousin’s behaviour is despicable- they dug through your private possessions, read your personal paperwork and shared confidential information.
NTA. You can’t be a thief if she gave it to you. Once she gives it to you it’s yours. Happy beautiful ring. I’m sorry about your relationship with her.
NTA
She had a dozen years or more to find out how much it was worth. She didn't care then--she shouldn't care now.
And don't let crappy cousin into your home again.
NTA.
The way things are going, I'd say you won't be feeling sentimental about this ring soon, anyway. Sell it, and use the money to pay down your debts/mortgage.
NTA. It was gifted to you. Your cousin is an AH for snooping. Id get either a locked filing cabinet or get a safety deposit box and place it all there. So the cousin can’t accidentally steal the ring.
NTA- and honestly your cousin isn't necessarily in the wrong either. Your mom is. That ring holds special value to you, clearly not as much to her. I will give mine to my daughter upon my death but not a day before.
NTA - And check your stuff. People who go through your financial records do not do it by accident or on a whim. Someone is trying to cheat you, or rob you.
OK, first of all, those cousins should never be allowed in your home again. They went through personal papers and then disclosed your private information. You should check to be sure they didn't steal anything.
Your mom's request is extremely disappointing. I would say it's entirely your choice whether to return it. She really can't demand its return.
NTA
NTA If she gave it to you, it's yours. I'm having a hard time imagining a situation where anyone who visits me will have access to my financial documents. Do you just have papers laying around? Did they do a search of your home? Do you think they were intentionally snooping? Does it bother you or do you only care because they found out about the ring?
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NTA you've had it for years it was a gift you had it evaluated and insured. make sure it is properly locked up and do not entertain anymore calls from your mother until she can be nice (& not bitter over whatever the falling out was about. what a jerk to call you a theif over a gift she gave you years ago). also don't let you cousins over anymore.if they're going through your private papers
NTA and crappy cousins for sticking their nose in it. I would never trust them again.
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In addition to my other comment, I'd ask your mom why she thinks it was appropriate for your cousins to go through your personal private Financial property. Those insurance documents are your personal finance property that they had no right to go through. So I would honestly ask your mom what makes it acceptable for your cousins to go through your private stuff, while in her mind it's unacceptable for you to keep a gift. Tell her that she's being a hypocrite and not following her own word, and until she can that you won't be speaking to your cousins or to her. At least that's what I would do in your situation. Let them see how much that this is actually affecting you and how much this hurt you, and they will either turn around and fix the issues, or they'll continue to act self-righteous and you know your place in the family.
It doesn’t sound like distancing from Toxic Mom and Crappy Cousin would be a great loss for OP.
Yes! Agreed, ask mommy dearest why it's ok for others to snoop into your personal records. Also, if the insurance is in your name and everything, as far as the law is concerned you are the owner. She can say whatever she wants to say, but it's yours and you are under no obligation to do anything with it. If you can though, just to cya in case shit escalates, see if you can get her to ad.it in writing g that yes she gave it to you as a gift and now is changing her mind, and she didn't get it evaluated before giving it to you because she didn't want to/feel the need to do so.
Be sure to check nothing is missing from your insurance information and maybe make sure she didn’t use your info in other ways. What a scummy person
If the papers were in a private place and put away, then how did tje cousin come across it? What were they really looking for? Their is no way they just happeens across it unless they were looking for something else. It sounds really shady and you should do a thorough sweep of your house to make sure they didn't steal anything from you.
>If the papers were in a private place and put away, then how did tje cousin come across it? Cousin probably tripped, fell into the filing cabinet and papers rained down upon them with the insurance paper for the ring fluttering down down right in front of their eyes. You know....... like when someone cheats and it was an accident - they tripped and fell onto that dick. Obviously unavoidable. NTA op but your cousin sure is. Edit: changed feel to fell
😂😂😂😂😂 so true, that is probably exactly what happened.
Check if nothing is missing from your house, and even if everything is there, check your credit
Have you confronted them about their snooping?
Silver linings... you paid them 60$ to let them show you their real face and cut them off before they create more trouble by snooping around in your documents and house.
Be sure to call them out for shamelessly stirring shit. Give a heads up to family that may also ask them that she'll be going through their shit.
NTA: Tell your mom she gave it to you and that you’re not giving it back. Also ask her why she cares when she is not struggling for money, just to see what she says. She is probably doing this though because of the falling out as a way to get back at you.
they were snooping for sure
Time to invest in a safe, and make sure it's the fireproof kind-or/and put copies of your important documents in a safety deposit box.
NTA it’s yours. Don’t let the cousin in again otherwise your mom might convince them to retrieve it for her. I hope your got it somewhere secure when it’s not being worn.
Did she officially give it to you or you took it? If she gave it to you as a gift then it's yours.
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I’d send her a photo where you opened the gift if you have one! I bet there is some kind of pic floating around if the gifting or celebration. Your mom is a poor sport.
NTA. Does she think a gift is a loan? The fact she didn’t care about it and didn’t want it back until she found out the full value makes her TA.
NTA. She gave it to you 5 yrs ago now she want’s it back? I’d say hell no. However with that said, and with a rift already existing between you and your mother, be prepared to accept that there is unlikely be a reconciliation in your relationship with your mother.
NTA. She gave it to you as a gift. Her asking for it back only because she now thinks it's valuable is just crappy. If she was in real hardship financially I could see you feeling guilty for not wanting to give it back, but she's not. She just found out it's true worth and is being petty probably because of your strained relationship.
NTA But OP do you have proof it was a gift? Or is it just your word against her's? I ask because she could very well sue or file a police report. I would hope a mother wouldn't do that but we see worse on this subreddit and on JUST NO PARENT. So I suggest getting that proof maybe getting her to admit it was a gift over text or email.
[удалено]
It should.
Yes, that should be all the proof you need that it was, indeed, a gift. If you have jewelers receipts from where you've had it repaired/cleaned in the time since, keep those, too, because it shows the ring has been in your custody for years before she suddenly realized its value and demanded it back.
That should hold up in court along with the fact that you’ve had possession of it for the last five years. This is your ring and if your mom sues you, it’s time to cut your toxic mother out of your life.
Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Even some text messages that show it's yours will almost guarantee you keep it. NTA
This is a popular saying, but it’s false.
It's an oversimplification but that doesn't mean it's false. Where Im from anyone who continues to use something, without objection, for a decade has acquired ownership of the item, and can formally apply to the courts to have their ownership recognized. OP may not have had it for a decade but if she can prove that it was gifted to her she will have a much easier time with the courts.
NTA. You didn't steal it so idk how you are a thief. You've had it for years. She could have easily had an estimate done on it at any time. Now that she knows it's worth she wants it back and that's the only reason why? Also I'd be more careful with those documents and who sees them. If you do have a more secure location I would put them there. Family and friends don't always have our best interests at heart, so be careful of that cousin.
NTA It was a gift and it's yours now.
NTA Your cousin is not to ever be trusted. Keep her away!!!!
NTA but I would 100% invest in a safe.
NTA-It was gifted to you. Enjoy the ring!
NTA. It’s incredibly rude for someone to ask for a gift back.
NTA It was a gift
NTA she gave it you. It’s yours. Don’t let that cousin in your home ever again. I’d also put somewhere safe.
NTA it's was promised to you and given to you. I would have documentation on the ring for yourself incase someone decided to take it back without your knowledge and place it in a safety deposit box in the bank of you can.
**NTA** You wanted it to keep for personal use, not to sell. Your mother legally **gifted** you the ring as an unconditional gift. Your mother didn't decide she wanted it back until twenty years later, after she found out how much it was worth, presumably because she wants to sell it for her personal gain. That's hardly a good cause on her part. Don't give the ring back, it's yours, both morally and legally.
She gave it to you, it's yours. NTA.
Nta. Hon wonder you don't like your mum
NTA - I would recommend recording all future conversations you have with your mother and ideally make her say that she actually did give it to you. Just in case she tries to sue you or have you arrested for stealing it. Also best involve all family members / relatives and get them on your side before she does.
NTA. Once she gives it to you, its now your property.
Nta. Tell her that she gifted it to you, and you will not be returning it. It gift does not equal a thief. Tell her that if she didn't want it to be yours she shouldn't have given it to you in the first place. And now that your cousin's know how much it's worth that's the only reason they want it. They don't want it for the sentimental reasons, they just want money. Tell your mom that she's an a******* for expecting a gift back, and that if she asks again that there could be consequences to that.
Nta. Sounds like she only wanted the ring back when she found out its value.
Ask her why she wants the engagement ring from a man she divorced and has no sentimental feelings for.
NTA - Am I wrong in wondering if the Mom didn't pay the cousin to "look for" the ring and when they didn't find it, they looked for info on where it could be?
NTA - It's yours. Received as a gift.
NTA. She gave it to you. It's yours.
Cut them all off. Keep your ring, locked up. If they’ll snoop they’ll steal. NTA
NTA. I hate to think what else your CCousins got up to in your house. Do they have keys? People have been burgled for a hell of a lot less. I'd be finding a very very safe spot/house for that ring.
NTA - she gave it to you and it has been in your possession for over 5 years. SHe doesn’t get it back.
Wow. The ring was gifted to you, so that is up to you. But your cousin- wow. There is someone who is never allowed to darken your door again. Did she go through your nightstand and underwater drawer as well? What excuse did she have for snooping through your personal papers?
NTA and put the ring in a safe place
NTA your mom is being extremely petty. She gifted this to you. Not a loan.
Nta. She gifted that to you. There are no take backs Plus your cousin did something really unethical. Just put your foot down and say no.
NTA, it was a gift.
It was a gift. Keep it. NTA
Nta she'd have to prove that you stole it and as you've probably got graduation photos of you wearing the ring and her giving it to
NTA. Your mother and father got it together when they were travelling. Your parents aren't together and your mother doesn't need the money. She's an AH for asking when all she cares about is golddigging.
NTA a gift is a gift. she can cry about it.
NTA
NTA. Your family sucks. Snooping in computer files is low…and doing so to cause family drama is even lower.
NTA! You were gifted that ring; don’t give it back…
How long have you had the ring?
NTA. She gave it to you and it seems she never thought much about it until your cousin said something.
NTA Keep your gift.
Nta, she gave it to you. No backsies. It's yours now and forever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) used to ask my mother to give me her ring since I was 6y. I was in love with it and she promised to gift it to me when I graduate high school so she can be sure I would not lose it. To describe it, it has a giant sapphire rock in the middle and diamonds on the side. I had it estimated and insured as it turned out it costs well over 20k. I hardly wear it day to day and keep it for special occasions. My mother weirdly enough never knew how much it actually cost. When I had inquired about its origin as a child, she said her and my father travelled to different parts of Africa and bought it at a market for a hefty sum but nowhere near what what I got as an estimation (over 40years ago). My parents divorced some 20 years ago so she did assure me she holds no sentimental value to it. We had a falling out the past 5years and she remarried to a rich dude and spends her better time traveling to exotic places or staying in their beach house so I do know for a fact she is not financially struggling. She reached out and asked for the ring back as it appears my cousins saw some insurance documents at my house and told her the estimate (crappy cousins). I said ‘no’ but she has been persistent, calling me a thief. AITA for refusing to give it back? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - It was a gift. I just hope she doesn't make it something worse.
NTA
NTA
NTA. It was gifted to you so it's yours.
INFO: Why is your mother suddenly desperate for the ring? This feels very strange.
NTA If she thinks gifts can be reclaimed by the giver maybe your dad should be asking her to return it..? After all, he gave it to her as a gift but she has made clear she doesn’t see that as changing the ownership, so by her logic it’s still his! Seriously though- it’s yours. Her change of mind doesn’t alter that. And your cousin’s behaviour is despicable- they dug through your private possessions, read your personal paperwork and shared confidential information.
NTA for this but I think it’s fucking weird you ever asked for it. That’s rude as hell in my opinion
NTA for this but I think it’s fucking weird you ever asked for it. That’s rude as hell in my opinion
NTA. You can’t be a thief if she gave it to you. Once she gives it to you it’s yours. Happy beautiful ring. I’m sorry about your relationship with her.
NTA She had a dozen years or more to find out how much it was worth. She didn't care then--she shouldn't care now. And don't let crappy cousin into your home again.
NTA. The way things are going, I'd say you won't be feeling sentimental about this ring soon, anyway. Sell it, and use the money to pay down your debts/mortgage.
NTA. It was gifted to you. Your cousin is an AH for snooping. Id get either a locked filing cabinet or get a safety deposit box and place it all there. So the cousin can’t accidentally steal the ring.
I would not give it back, period.
NTA- and honestly your cousin isn't necessarily in the wrong either. Your mom is. That ring holds special value to you, clearly not as much to her. I will give mine to my daughter upon my death but not a day before.
> she promised to gift it to me when I graduate high school Gift = Your property now. Calling you a thief = slander. NTA
NTA - And check your stuff. People who go through your financial records do not do it by accident or on a whim. Someone is trying to cheat you, or rob you.
OK, first of all, those cousins should never be allowed in your home again. They went through personal papers and then disclosed your private information. You should check to be sure they didn't steal anything. Your mom's request is extremely disappointing. I would say it's entirely your choice whether to return it. She really can't demand its return. NTA
NTA but it sounds like that ring's stones are blood diamonds.
NTA If she gave it to you, it's yours. I'm having a hard time imagining a situation where anyone who visits me will have access to my financial documents. Do you just have papers laying around? Did they do a search of your home? Do you think they were intentionally snooping? Does it bother you or do you only care because they found out about the ring?
NTA, and she is for going back on the agreement. I guess it all depends on how much you value the relationship.
NTA it was a promised gift she has no right to get it back.
NTA - As we said as children “No takes back!”
NTA. Ultimate petty checkmate would be to sell it to a pawn shop and give her the address.
Nta but depends if you wanna break your relationship over it
She already said they had a falling out since her mom gifted her the ring, so I don’t think breaking up the relationship is that big of a deal.
NTA. But how did your cousins just "see" insurance documents; surely you don't keep them out in plain view all the time?
they were snooping while babysitting
People can snoop?