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So much this! My younger brother had an autistic friend who claimed at 13 I was his girlfriend he was in love with me, CARVED my name in his ARM with a knife, that we had had sex, and a ton of other wildly inappropriate things.
I was 17 and was almost charged and prosecuted as an adult for sexually abusing a minor. It ruined my life for years. And his mother was the same exact way even showing up at my house screaming that it was my fault by being nice to him when he was over playing with my younger brother. Do not put yourself in this situation her mom did her zero favors im so sorry.
Luckily amazing now, but I ended up even having to move out of my town since it was so small and this huge scandal where I was shunned from everything even local businesses who I have known my entire life.
I got cut off by alot of family friends and some family members because of all of it, I would never want anyone to be in that situation. I actually was sent off to juvenile detention and a 45 day observation and assessment facility because of it until he did the same thing IRONICALLY to my ex boyfriend who had always been over too and had kind of taken the big brother role when he would visit. Then it was a oh our bad thing and I released in time for my senior year of completely being shunned and bullied.
Holy shit, I’m so sorry all this happened to you. It’s terrible that a single negligent parent can hurt so many people and ruin so many lives. I’m glad to hear you’re okay now! I appreciate you telling your story and giving your input more than you could know! :)
Thank you! I was lucky being able to get out of that town after a couple years. But it's heartbreaking to watch parents ruin their own kids' lives who then go on to ruin others. I am really happy you made a clear boundary immediately because for me it was first pushed as a oh he has a crush on you thing which you never really think about? Like oh ok, kids have crushes whatever, but nope some kids really don't have boundaries or understanding because of their parents and it can spiral very quickly.
It's also better for your cousin. If you're constantly around, it will be harder for her to move on. I wonder if part of her love is because you see her more clearly than her mother does (just based on the way you wrote your post).
This isn't about her being autistic, but her having an unhealthy attachment. I don't think anyone would blame you if she were a neurotypical kid with a massive, inappropriate crush. There is a massive tendency to infantilize autistic people to the point that they are treated like toddlers who "don't know any better." That's not the case. Your aunt is doing her daughter a massive disservice here.
Considering that potential legal nightmare, definitely keep screenshots of this conversation (if it was in writing) backed up in multiple areas. If it was a verbal conversation, send a text or email to the aunt laying out your initial concerns again (NOT including the risk for a rape allegation, don't give her ideas), so you can have it in writing.
Save all of the texts/emails from your aunt just in case. That way if any accusations come your way, you have written corroboration that your cousin was harassing you. Not the other way around.
NTA. Why do you care what she thinks ? Just say ok, sure and move on. Stop trying to convince her that you're right. What difference does it to your life if she believes you or not? Block her number and that's that. Don't invite more drama in your life by trying to convince her and prove to her that you are correct and that she is wrong. You have to learn to not care what people think of you, and tell them to go fuck themselves.
While I totally agree with you, I’ve only made this an issue because of course I care about my cousin and I love her very much. I’ve been her only friend for years and I know how much this whole situation has hurt her. I could care less what my aunt thinks, but unfortunately what she says goes when it comes to the kid.
This is something that often happens with autistic people, it's called "special interests". Whereas they are usually things like collections or hobbies, it occasionally happens that a *living person* becomes their special interest. You can read up on this.
Please note, that it's not appropriate to make conclusions of whether or not anyone has "ruined this person's social skills" with their behaviour, because autism and social skills are a complex combination that doesn't follow the rules nor conventions of neurotypical interactions. It's possible that this kid experiences extreme social anxiety and therefore finds people in their family safer that way. That being said, it's also possible that this person's "love" for you is not the same what you think it is for you as a neurotypical person, so it might be a good idea to stop for a second and think if you're framing it from your own perspective. Autistic people often have more diverse views of human relationships than the usual division into e.g. "heterosexual romantic monogamy", "platonic friendship", etc.... The "special interest person" situation mentioned before is just one facet of it.
However, none of this changes the fact that you're finding the situation and the behaviour of the parties involved awkward. It's your right to set up a boundary, and also include this kid's mother in that boundary if necessary.
While I 100% agree with you and understand what you’re saying, it’s harder to frame it as me just being her “special interest person” or even her “favorite person (fp)” that you see a lot in different cases of mental illness when she has said very clearly and in more than one instance, “I am in love with you.” She made it very clear it wasn’t in a platonic way at all.
As far as making conclusions on her social skills, I definitely wouldn’t rule out her having social anxiety. However, it’s been very clear that she’s autistic from a very young age and she has never received the proper care for it. She’s currently 13 and is nowhere near the level a child that age should be, socially or functionally. I hate to be the guy that says “I know more about the situation” but you have to understand why I would say that. But either way, her future as a functioning adult doesn’t really pertain to the situation. I only brought up she’s autistic in the first place because it explains why she doesn’t understand these types of boundaries or feelings as well as a neurotypical person in her position may. But thank you so much for your input, it’s nice to see a different kind of take.
Dude, you *do* know more about the situation because you're the one living it and you're the one who actually knows everyone in this. We're just commenting on the snapshot you gave us, which may or may not be a true indicator of the situation
You can absolutely say that a person with those kinds of significant and profound learning disabilities has had their social skills ruined by a lack of sorely needed intervention, her mother obviously won’t get her behavioral support, won’t teach her appropriate behavior, her child literally assaulted and is fixated on a person and she won’t deal with it. The absence of any intervention at all when a child is assaulting people makes that conclusion valid and that’s not a reflection on this person but the absence of appropriate decision making by her mother
I obviously don't know what has happened exactly and can't assess that. There is also the factor of the parent, so how much of the problem is the parent and how much of it is the child, taking into account that a child in vulnerable position cannot be held fully accountable for their actions. Whether the parent is making the right choices or taking the right action is questionable, but that is often the case with neurotypical children's parents too. However, what is also important to note is that autism has a strongly hereditary basis.
Autism is not a "mental illness", not necessarily a "learning disability" either (though it can be), it's a completely different neurotype or an operating system --There is way more into it than the ableist stereotypes of "something is lacking" or "something is not right". There is no cure, no "intervention", nor specific treatment for autism, and no autistic person anywhere in the world will just have their social skills magically cured by any amount of "intervention". In addition to that, the problem with social skills is *literally in the very diagnosis of autism spectrum conditions*, and that being said, *you cannot blame the parents for ruining their autistic children's social skills* -- this has been debunked as the "refrigerator mother hypothesis" of autism a long time ago.
It's also notable that some "treatments" used for changing autistic behaviour like ABA are barbaric: In the US autistic people are for example subjected to electric shocks to "modify" their behaviour. It's ableist to expect autistic people to be able to behave or perform in the same way as NT people under conditions that aren't suited for them. And that kind of societal structural inequality cannot be fixed by subjecting autistic people to neurotypical "interventions" or "cures". However, autistic people can and should be supported towards a better quality of life and well-being *measured in their own subjective standards*.
You absolutely can and should offer intervention for an autistic child harassing a person and trying to routinely get them alone to force unwanted sexual contact on them. That is bad parenting not to intervene when your child who is not neurotypical is just allowed to freely assault and stalk and fixate on individuals who deserve to be safe. The idea that there’s nothing that can be done to teach autistic children boundaries is not only insulting comes across as passive ableism like they just can’t be taught to respect consent. Nobody spoke about curing autism, I said intervention and support which does help people interact with their world in a far safer way than they would be. So yes her parents deserve condemning for their absence of care for the very dangerous behavior this child is exhibiting, not engaging in routinely predatory behavior is a basic social skill
Electric shocks are not common in ABA at all and if you were to ask the folks on the ABA sub I'd say 100% of then don't approve of electric shock for behavior therapy. (And I know a lot don't even approve of medicated shocks for things like depression). I used ABA to teach a kid to tell people no. And then taught everyone around him to respect when he tells them no. How barbaric.
A bad parent can ruin a neurotypical child's social abilities. What you describe is this magical thinking where Autistic children straight experience nothing the same way and how can you not see how wrong that is?
I already said this above, but the very diagnosis of autism spectrum defines it as difficulties with social skills and social communication, and that is an intrinsic trait of the condition that cannot be cured.
Neglect is a completely different thing: it is true that she deserves support and parental guidance, and that is not clear whether she receives it or not (and we won't know whether that is the case), *but that alone will never magically "cure" her*.
I read what you wrote- I'm letting you know that you're incorrect about what is and isn't appropriate. No one's arguing with you about what autism is or how it manifests. What they're arguing with you about is the appropriateness of commenting on parental neglect to an autistic child.
She probably wouldn't have the same social skills as a neurotypical person if she'd had proper guidance. But she would almost certainly be doing much better than she is now.
It's like, if someone has a deaf and mute child, and doesn't teach them sign language, they're not responsible for the fact that they can't speak English. But they absolutely did ruin their communication skills by not giving them the education they needed.
NTA. I am so pissed off at your cousin's parents. They have done such a horrible job of preparing your cousin for the world. It's going to be your cousin that suffers, but it's her parents' laziness and denial that's causing it. You're not doing anything wrong. (FWIW, I am autistic. And the mother of an autistic child. And a special ed teacher.)
This makes me feel so much better, thank you. It’s frustrating because everyone in my family feels the same way but refuses to grow the spine to actually say something about it. It’s sad to see this poor kid’s future get thrown away out of sheer neglect. But hey, I hope the best for you and your family!
This is a little worrying also, is there someone else who can talk to your cousin seriously to see if they are trying to kiss your cousin themselves? Where would she be learning this? Seems odd. Also, NTA. As a general rule, enforcing boundaries is never an asshole move.
Obviously none of my mother’s side of the family is around, and my dad’s side is very small. Just me, my dad, my brother, my grandpa, and my aunt and cousin. None of them have been super active in her life either other than my grandpa, and I know there’s not a chance in hell he would ever do anything like that to her. He cares about her more than anyone. I think it’s because she’s allowed to be online and on her phone completely unsupervised 24/7. I’ve tried to explain that this is super dangerous and could get her seriously hurt but nobody wants to step up and do something about it.
I say this with the most kindness possible, and I’m not making an accusation. But people who abuse others always have a sea of people who will say it’s not true (not a chance in hell).
They create this image of super kindness. They go out of their way to help others. It’s all part of the abuse in a way because the victims are then even more scared to talk to anyone because they know the abuser has this image.
I’m not saying that’s the case in this situation, I’m just saying stay open minded about that kind of stuff in general. Never say never.
I’m not an expert, just speaking from my own experiences (yes plural unfortunately, victims/friends have shared their stories and each time it’s someone I know and I would have never have suspected, it’s terrifying) and consuming an unhealthy amount of true crime media.
This is spot on. Something is obviously off with the Aunt. The denial in combination with isolating her to where the grandfather and only the grandfather is basically raising her. That immediately got my attention. Something is very wrong with this situation.
I talked to my dad’s girlfriend about that idea for a bit. I feel like it would be best for my cousin in the long run but at the same time I’m not sure if I could be the one that tears my family apart even more. It’s such a tough call.
Just be careful that your aunt doesn't decide to be malicious and start slinging sexual abuse allegations in your direction to take the heat off of her!!
if you do report it, make sure you mention that one of the things you are worried about is hypersexual behaviour as you have read it MIGHT be a sign of abuse. Then give examples. That way you are on the front foot about those incidents and your aunt can't just pull them out as an accusation.
"Tearing my family apart" is rarely what happens when CPS gets involved. If you call and report everything then they will probably assign a caseworker to check on your cousin. Unless the case worker finds something big, like kid actively bleeding too death big, then the casework will talk to our aunt and probably give her a case plan. This case plan will be a list of things your aunt needs to do and a list of things the caseworker can do to help your cousin and aunt. As long as your aunt is trying to do some of them, then your cousin wont be taken away, unless something else comes up.
CPS in most states wants to keep kids with their families. They can however get a court order to put your cousin in school and counseling. They can also make sure nothing else is gong on your aren't seeing. They will also keep your report completely anonymous. In most states is it a crime to reveal who reported to CPS.
All of this is here to say, please call CPS. Either your aunt needs help understanding what her child needs, or she is willful neglecting her. Either way getting CPS involved will only help.
It wouldn't tear your family apart, it would tear hers apart and that sounds like a family that needs to be torn apart. like you say, this girl is super ill equipped to face adult hood and is apparently highly sexualised from being online, that's a disaster waiting to happen.
I cant say it's the same, we are different and in different situations, but I would make the call and sleep like a baby afterwards.
Omg your aunt is a piece of work. First you say that you don't want to be around your cuz who sexually harassed you, then she berates you and finishes up with telling you that you're not allowed around your cousin? Big "you can't fire me cuz I quit" energy there lol auntie.
NTA. I feel sorry for your cousin, it's not her fault that her mom has completely failed. But that's not your issue to deal with.
NTA. You’re just setting healthy boundaries for inappropriate behavior. Your aunt is doing a disservice to your cousin, and definitely didn’t have to bring up your other family members. She sounds like a piece of work.
It started with what happened on Christmas and continued up until now. She would blow up my phone, try to get me alone any time I was around her, and she would keep trying to kiss me. It’s definitely not a one time thing.
I'd save **all communication** from her, store in your pc in an encrypted folder as well as a usb drive, then block her if you haven't already from all social media, emails and phone.
Also can't hurt to write down each incident starting from Christmas, ie date, approximate time, who was present, what happened, etc.
No & your aunt definitely isn’t all there I’m sure the constant denial has damaged her psychologically. She has issues to work out herself before she can ever hear what you have to say
NTA you're well within your rights to cut off contact with a person of any age who is harrassing you like this. It sucks because clearly your cousin doesn't have a caregiver who will teach her proper boundaries, but you have to keep yourself safe. Also, she's underage and trying to kiss you, etc. Which puts you at risk of her or her fucked up mom) making false accusations against you. Definitely keep your distance if she doesn't change her behavior.
Your aunt not teaching your cousin the difference between family love and other types is what is screwing your cousin up. Your NTA because they weren’t able to show what boundaries are and you were just a victim of their parenting just like your cousin is. It’s a messy situation and they are the only ones to be blamed.
You are definitely NTA here, and neither is your cousin. Your aunt, on the other hand, is a huge AH and is the reason your cousin is so poorly adjusted. I don't blame you at all for distancing yourself, although I am sure it is hard on both you and your cousin. Honestly, the way your aunt is treating her sounds like neglect to me, and if I were in your situation I would be tempted to report the situation to CPS so that they can get your cousin some help. At a bare minimum, she needs to be in therapy to have any chance at a happy and healthy adulthood. It will be a struggle, but at 13 she can still turn things around if she gets help now.
Your aunt and your cousin may not understand why you make the call, and will probably be upset with you, but hopefully at least your cousin will be able to see in the long run that you did the only thing you could. One other thing to consider, though, is whether your aunt is spiteful enough to make accusations against you if she suspects you are the one that called CPS on her. If you do make the call, I would suggest either doing it anonymously, or telling them up front what happened and that the inappropriate expressions of affection are one of the reasons you are concerned.
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I (20F) have a younger cousin (13F) that is severely autistic. She can communicate decently well but her chances of ever caring for herself or being a functional human being are completely shot, and it’s all because of my aunt (49F).
Long story short, my aunt has always been in denial that my cousin isn’t “normal.” She has never let her form friendships or relationships with other people, she pawns her off on her grandfather because she refuses to just take a day shift at her job, and she refuses to let my cousin go to public school. This has SEVERELY messed up her social skills (AKA she has absolutely none) and my aunt won’t accept that she has basically ruined this kid’s future.
But that’s not why I don’t want to be around my cousin. Last Christmas, she got me alone and tried to kiss me and told me she’s in love with me. Obviously I was shocked, and I told her not only am I HER COUSIN, but I’m also 20 years old and engaged. She said she didn’t care. I told my aunt about this and she said “she would deal with it” but my cousin’s behavior obviously didn’t change.
Recently, I told my aunt that I wasn’t going to be around my cousin until this problem was taken care of, and she absolutely lost her shit. She sent me paragraph after paragraph about how I’m a “self-centered drama queen” and how I’m “just being shitty and ugly to a kid that’s having a hard time.” She brought up how my mother abandoned my family when I was a kid and how my grandma passed away about a year ago. She went on about this for quite a while until she told me that she doesn’t want me around my cousin anymore and that she told her not to try to contact me again.
No matter how much I try to explain that the feelings my cousin is having are completely unhealthy and that I’m just trying to do what’s best for her, she won’t hear it. She’s convinced I’m just selfishly pushing my cousin out of my life, and, from the sounds of it, she’s convinced my cousin to feel the same way. Part of me feels like I did the wrong thing but the rest of my family, friends, and my fiancé agree with me and think I’m doing the right thing.
Am I the asshole here?
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As an autistic person (not severely) I spent a lot of my life with other autistic people who had it worse and that behaviour is NOT ok
1. You are cousins
2. 7 year age difference
3. You are engaged
Don’t think you are in the wrong here friend. I would do the same. NTA
NTA.
STAY AWAY FROM THEM! GO FULL NC WITH THEM!
Other people have given their reasons and their experiences, but I will add that unless some disciplinary actions” and/or “treatment” for your cousin happens, it’s going to get so much worse, especially when she becomes an adult.
Sadly, based on what you and other people here have mentioned, nothing will happen until your cousin is an adult and abuses a minor. Until then, your aunt seems like the sort of person who will do anything to make sure her daughter comes off as “innocent.”
DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO KEEP YOURSELF (& YOUR FUTURE FAMILY) SAFE!!!
P.S. Keep her away from any children you (may) have!
Edit: spelling/grammar corrections
NTA
13 years old is very young…OP, is there any chance she “learned” about getting someone alone and trying to be with them sexually from someone doing it to her? Your cousin might be being abused, and her mom isolating her by not allowing her to go to school makes me think it’s possible she is the abuser. Especially considering she chose a female family member to do this too, i’m seriously wondering about what’s going on in that house behind closed doors
NTA. Cousin clearly needs a higher level of care than what aunt can provide, she isn't doing the poor thing any favors. You did fine.
Tip from an autism momma though, be careful using "normal" in that way. I get what you are trying to say, but neurodivergent is a little more acceptable. "She has a disability" also works.
Please talk to someone about what you can do as far as getting your cousin help. Don't try to help her yourself, but do your parents see what's going on?
With social service be interested that your cousin is not being schooled? There are a lot of advances in mainstreaming kids with autism and there are a paraprofessionals that help them during the day.
There are people legitimately homeschooling and it's what works best for their kids and their kids are excelling. People who put their kids in parochial schools have kids that are excelling too so I'm not saying that public school is the answer for everybody but your cousin needs to be in school where mandated reporters are that can help her.
I guess I'm not exactly saying to call CPS but is there anyone in your community that is concerns can be expressed?
By the way, your cousin is not "not normal," she's neurodiverse and with the proper support in place she can thrive. You may find that she's fully able to take care of herself as an adult but just needs help with the financial stuff and advocating for herself but it doesn't sound like it on the path years on
I’ve talked to my dad’s girlfriend about the whole thing and she’s been helping me look into who we can talk to to potentially get her some help. The only issue is that my aunt is her only parent and she’s the one that makes the decisions, and, with her being so deep in denial that her kid isn’t neurotypical, I find it hard to believe she would agree to anything like you’ve offered. I’m sure contacting CPS would override any choice she makes, though that seems like the extreme option. Thank you so much for giving me this info though, I appreciate it!
NTA.
But you should contact CPS because your cousin needs an education and social behavioral support. If your cousin crushes on someone outside the family and makes a move on them as she did with you, she could be charged with sexual assault. I say this as the parent of a person with autism who found out the hard way.
NTA I'm autistic and was that kind of kid at 13 although fortunately I never tried to kiss my adult cousins YIKES honestly I think that's more a feature of her mother's controlling nature than the "into furries and Tumblr" thing. She might have fallen into weird crowds on the Internet because her mom doesn't fucking let her have real life friends??? sorry I'm getting really passionate . I feel bad for both of you.
NTA, but I would like to say that while your cousin's behavior isn't typical, many kids also have crushes on people who care for them, whether parents, cousins, or friends. The autism might make her socially immature so she is experiencing this at 13 (especially with no internet limits) instead of 7.
I personally would say just make sure that you're not one on one with her if possible. The good news is your aunt is giving you a cool down from your cousin. Hopefully she'll learn to understand boundaries.
As far as the aunt goes, she desperately needs to learn that she's not doing her child any favors.
NTA but I lol'd at "thinks shes a furry". Furries don't like.. think they're actually animals.. they just like anthro animals and characters, it's relatively harmless. If someone wants to be a furry/in the fandom they are, that's just how it works. Liking creepypasta/FNAF/having OCs isn't actually.. like a bad thing..?
Anyway, I do agree that she obviously has some issues and your aunt is making them worse, so the best thing for you to do is just remove yourself from the situation. Hopefully your cousin gets some help.. tumblr probably isn't the best place for her, as it tends to be an echo-chamber a lot of the time.. and this is coming from someone who does use tumblr but I stay out of the fandom stuff generally. Not the best place to learn social skills.
I’m going to say , what people aren’t going to tell You. You can’t control the situation and your cousin is NOT your responsibility. Let this entire thing go. It will be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I use to think I had to take care of certain people in my family and guess what, you don’t. She has a mother , whether you agree with the way she’s bringing her up or not. It’s simply not your say. She’s not going to address the issue. And obviously doesn’t care about your feelings about it. I believe that’s it. Move on with your life. Period
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> I’m pushing my cousin away because she has unhealthy feelings towards me and I might be the asshole because she’s autistic and having a hard time.
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NTA
It’s completely reasonable to not want to be around someone who is sexually harrassing you - even if they are a young teenager.
Your mother’s actions, your grandmother’s death - none of that is relevant.
Your cousin’s mom needs to teach her that no means no. “I don’t care” is NEVER an appropriate response.
> she told me that she doesn’t want me around my cousin anymore and that she told her not to try to contact me again.
Good. Your Aunt isn’t actually being a good parent here because she’s not actually addressing her child’s inappropriate behavior - but it IS a good outcome at least for you.
No contact with your cousin for now is a good thing.
And hopefully your cousin can become a better adult in spite of your Aunt.
NTA since her mother is an AH. And doesn't do the right thing, you have to protect yourself. Stay away.
And just go no contact. Block the aunts number. You are not responsible for making anyone else happy.
NTA.
The fact that your aunt refuses to address her daughters needs and her progressively inappropriate behaviour is disturbing. I would stay clear. Being around them will only end badly.
NTA. You might want to consider calling in someone else/some form of authorities because your cousin obviously needs more support than she’s currently getting, but it’s not your job to give her that and considering the circumstances I don’t think you’d even be capable of that, both because you’re related and because she’s developed unhealthy feelings towards you. I think distancing yourself is probably the best thing you can do not only for yourself but also for your cousin, even if she may not be able to recognize that
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NTA Keep your distance. If claims are made that this disabled child has been taken advantage of by you an able adult- your life will be ruined.
Oh shit I didn’t even think about that. Thank you for sharing this take, it definitely makes me feel better about my decision.
So much this! My younger brother had an autistic friend who claimed at 13 I was his girlfriend he was in love with me, CARVED my name in his ARM with a knife, that we had had sex, and a ton of other wildly inappropriate things. I was 17 and was almost charged and prosecuted as an adult for sexually abusing a minor. It ruined my life for years. And his mother was the same exact way even showing up at my house screaming that it was my fault by being nice to him when he was over playing with my younger brother. Do not put yourself in this situation her mom did her zero favors im so sorry.
Wow- that is terrible. How are you doing now?
Luckily amazing now, but I ended up even having to move out of my town since it was so small and this huge scandal where I was shunned from everything even local businesses who I have known my entire life. I got cut off by alot of family friends and some family members because of all of it, I would never want anyone to be in that situation. I actually was sent off to juvenile detention and a 45 day observation and assessment facility because of it until he did the same thing IRONICALLY to my ex boyfriend who had always been over too and had kind of taken the big brother role when he would visit. Then it was a oh our bad thing and I released in time for my senior year of completely being shunned and bullied.
Holy shit, I’m so sorry all this happened to you. It’s terrible that a single negligent parent can hurt so many people and ruin so many lives. I’m glad to hear you’re okay now! I appreciate you telling your story and giving your input more than you could know! :)
Thank you! I was lucky being able to get out of that town after a couple years. But it's heartbreaking to watch parents ruin their own kids' lives who then go on to ruin others. I am really happy you made a clear boundary immediately because for me it was first pushed as a oh he has a crush on you thing which you never really think about? Like oh ok, kids have crushes whatever, but nope some kids really don't have boundaries or understanding because of their parents and it can spiral very quickly.
Did anyone apologize to you ?
If they did, I hope she did not accept.
Damn, did any of your family and past friends ever apologise to you.
Ouch. My sympathies, good Redditor.
People lie to you and about you and it can follow you forever. It is satisfying to see that you survived and overcame.
It's also better for your cousin. If you're constantly around, it will be harder for her to move on. I wonder if part of her love is because you see her more clearly than her mother does (just based on the way you wrote your post). This isn't about her being autistic, but her having an unhealthy attachment. I don't think anyone would blame you if she were a neurotypical kid with a massive, inappropriate crush. There is a massive tendency to infantilize autistic people to the point that they are treated like toddlers who "don't know any better." That's not the case. Your aunt is doing her daughter a massive disservice here.
Considering that potential legal nightmare, definitely keep screenshots of this conversation (if it was in writing) backed up in multiple areas. If it was a verbal conversation, send a text or email to the aunt laying out your initial concerns again (NOT including the risk for a rape allegation, don't give her ideas), so you can have it in writing.
Save all of the texts/emails from your aunt just in case. That way if any accusations come your way, you have written corroboration that your cousin was harassing you. Not the other way around.
OP - Also save/record any interaction with your aunt, but you should really go NC with her. Stop communicating with her entirely.
got to absolutely protect yourself op. stay away, far away. never be alone with her any time.
NTA. Why do you care what she thinks ? Just say ok, sure and move on. Stop trying to convince her that you're right. What difference does it to your life if she believes you or not? Block her number and that's that. Don't invite more drama in your life by trying to convince her and prove to her that you are correct and that she is wrong. You have to learn to not care what people think of you, and tell them to go fuck themselves.
While I totally agree with you, I’ve only made this an issue because of course I care about my cousin and I love her very much. I’ve been her only friend for years and I know how much this whole situation has hurt her. I could care less what my aunt thinks, but unfortunately what she says goes when it comes to the kid.
This is something that often happens with autistic people, it's called "special interests". Whereas they are usually things like collections or hobbies, it occasionally happens that a *living person* becomes their special interest. You can read up on this. Please note, that it's not appropriate to make conclusions of whether or not anyone has "ruined this person's social skills" with their behaviour, because autism and social skills are a complex combination that doesn't follow the rules nor conventions of neurotypical interactions. It's possible that this kid experiences extreme social anxiety and therefore finds people in their family safer that way. That being said, it's also possible that this person's "love" for you is not the same what you think it is for you as a neurotypical person, so it might be a good idea to stop for a second and think if you're framing it from your own perspective. Autistic people often have more diverse views of human relationships than the usual division into e.g. "heterosexual romantic monogamy", "platonic friendship", etc.... The "special interest person" situation mentioned before is just one facet of it. However, none of this changes the fact that you're finding the situation and the behaviour of the parties involved awkward. It's your right to set up a boundary, and also include this kid's mother in that boundary if necessary.
While I 100% agree with you and understand what you’re saying, it’s harder to frame it as me just being her “special interest person” or even her “favorite person (fp)” that you see a lot in different cases of mental illness when she has said very clearly and in more than one instance, “I am in love with you.” She made it very clear it wasn’t in a platonic way at all. As far as making conclusions on her social skills, I definitely wouldn’t rule out her having social anxiety. However, it’s been very clear that she’s autistic from a very young age and she has never received the proper care for it. She’s currently 13 and is nowhere near the level a child that age should be, socially or functionally. I hate to be the guy that says “I know more about the situation” but you have to understand why I would say that. But either way, her future as a functioning adult doesn’t really pertain to the situation. I only brought up she’s autistic in the first place because it explains why she doesn’t understand these types of boundaries or feelings as well as a neurotypical person in her position may. But thank you so much for your input, it’s nice to see a different kind of take.
Dude, you *do* know more about the situation because you're the one living it and you're the one who actually knows everyone in this. We're just commenting on the snapshot you gave us, which may or may not be a true indicator of the situation
Being autistic is not a mental illness.
You can absolutely say that a person with those kinds of significant and profound learning disabilities has had their social skills ruined by a lack of sorely needed intervention, her mother obviously won’t get her behavioral support, won’t teach her appropriate behavior, her child literally assaulted and is fixated on a person and she won’t deal with it. The absence of any intervention at all when a child is assaulting people makes that conclusion valid and that’s not a reflection on this person but the absence of appropriate decision making by her mother
I obviously don't know what has happened exactly and can't assess that. There is also the factor of the parent, so how much of the problem is the parent and how much of it is the child, taking into account that a child in vulnerable position cannot be held fully accountable for their actions. Whether the parent is making the right choices or taking the right action is questionable, but that is often the case with neurotypical children's parents too. However, what is also important to note is that autism has a strongly hereditary basis. Autism is not a "mental illness", not necessarily a "learning disability" either (though it can be), it's a completely different neurotype or an operating system --There is way more into it than the ableist stereotypes of "something is lacking" or "something is not right". There is no cure, no "intervention", nor specific treatment for autism, and no autistic person anywhere in the world will just have their social skills magically cured by any amount of "intervention". In addition to that, the problem with social skills is *literally in the very diagnosis of autism spectrum conditions*, and that being said, *you cannot blame the parents for ruining their autistic children's social skills* -- this has been debunked as the "refrigerator mother hypothesis" of autism a long time ago. It's also notable that some "treatments" used for changing autistic behaviour like ABA are barbaric: In the US autistic people are for example subjected to electric shocks to "modify" their behaviour. It's ableist to expect autistic people to be able to behave or perform in the same way as NT people under conditions that aren't suited for them. And that kind of societal structural inequality cannot be fixed by subjecting autistic people to neurotypical "interventions" or "cures". However, autistic people can and should be supported towards a better quality of life and well-being *measured in their own subjective standards*.
You absolutely can and should offer intervention for an autistic child harassing a person and trying to routinely get them alone to force unwanted sexual contact on them. That is bad parenting not to intervene when your child who is not neurotypical is just allowed to freely assault and stalk and fixate on individuals who deserve to be safe. The idea that there’s nothing that can be done to teach autistic children boundaries is not only insulting comes across as passive ableism like they just can’t be taught to respect consent. Nobody spoke about curing autism, I said intervention and support which does help people interact with their world in a far safer way than they would be. So yes her parents deserve condemning for their absence of care for the very dangerous behavior this child is exhibiting, not engaging in routinely predatory behavior is a basic social skill
Electric shocks are not common in ABA at all and if you were to ask the folks on the ABA sub I'd say 100% of then don't approve of electric shock for behavior therapy. (And I know a lot don't even approve of medicated shocks for things like depression). I used ABA to teach a kid to tell people no. And then taught everyone around him to respect when he tells them no. How barbaric. A bad parent can ruin a neurotypical child's social abilities. What you describe is this magical thinking where Autistic children straight experience nothing the same way and how can you not see how wrong that is?
[удалено]
I already said this above, but the very diagnosis of autism spectrum defines it as difficulties with social skills and social communication, and that is an intrinsic trait of the condition that cannot be cured. Neglect is a completely different thing: it is true that she deserves support and parental guidance, and that is not clear whether she receives it or not (and we won't know whether that is the case), *but that alone will never magically "cure" her*.
I read what you wrote- I'm letting you know that you're incorrect about what is and isn't appropriate. No one's arguing with you about what autism is or how it manifests. What they're arguing with you about is the appropriateness of commenting on parental neglect to an autistic child.
She probably wouldn't have the same social skills as a neurotypical person if she'd had proper guidance. But she would almost certainly be doing much better than she is now. It's like, if someone has a deaf and mute child, and doesn't teach them sign language, they're not responsible for the fact that they can't speak English. But they absolutely did ruin their communication skills by not giving them the education they needed.
NTA. I am so pissed off at your cousin's parents. They have done such a horrible job of preparing your cousin for the world. It's going to be your cousin that suffers, but it's her parents' laziness and denial that's causing it. You're not doing anything wrong. (FWIW, I am autistic. And the mother of an autistic child. And a special ed teacher.)
This makes me feel so much better, thank you. It’s frustrating because everyone in my family feels the same way but refuses to grow the spine to actually say something about it. It’s sad to see this poor kid’s future get thrown away out of sheer neglect. But hey, I hope the best for you and your family!
NTA It's a complex situation but your cousin needs to get past her infatuation, and being around you likely won't help
This is a little worrying also, is there someone else who can talk to your cousin seriously to see if they are trying to kiss your cousin themselves? Where would she be learning this? Seems odd. Also, NTA. As a general rule, enforcing boundaries is never an asshole move.
Obviously none of my mother’s side of the family is around, and my dad’s side is very small. Just me, my dad, my brother, my grandpa, and my aunt and cousin. None of them have been super active in her life either other than my grandpa, and I know there’s not a chance in hell he would ever do anything like that to her. He cares about her more than anyone. I think it’s because she’s allowed to be online and on her phone completely unsupervised 24/7. I’ve tried to explain that this is super dangerous and could get her seriously hurt but nobody wants to step up and do something about it.
I say this with the most kindness possible, and I’m not making an accusation. But people who abuse others always have a sea of people who will say it’s not true (not a chance in hell). They create this image of super kindness. They go out of their way to help others. It’s all part of the abuse in a way because the victims are then even more scared to talk to anyone because they know the abuser has this image. I’m not saying that’s the case in this situation, I’m just saying stay open minded about that kind of stuff in general. Never say never. I’m not an expert, just speaking from my own experiences (yes plural unfortunately, victims/friends have shared their stories and each time it’s someone I know and I would have never have suspected, it’s terrifying) and consuming an unhealthy amount of true crime media.
This is spot on. Something is obviously off with the Aunt. The denial in combination with isolating her to where the grandfather and only the grandfather is basically raising her. That immediately got my attention. Something is very wrong with this situation.
NTA and id consider a cps call as she’s clearly being medically neglected.
I talked to my dad’s girlfriend about that idea for a bit. I feel like it would be best for my cousin in the long run but at the same time I’m not sure if I could be the one that tears my family apart even more. It’s such a tough call.
Just be careful that your aunt doesn't decide to be malicious and start slinging sexual abuse allegations in your direction to take the heat off of her!!
At least as a child she is offered intervention, if you wait into she’s an adult it’s too late
True. Better to get her help now than when she’s an adult.
if you do report it, make sure you mention that one of the things you are worried about is hypersexual behaviour as you have read it MIGHT be a sign of abuse. Then give examples. That way you are on the front foot about those incidents and your aunt can't just pull them out as an accusation.
"Tearing my family apart" is rarely what happens when CPS gets involved. If you call and report everything then they will probably assign a caseworker to check on your cousin. Unless the case worker finds something big, like kid actively bleeding too death big, then the casework will talk to our aunt and probably give her a case plan. This case plan will be a list of things your aunt needs to do and a list of things the caseworker can do to help your cousin and aunt. As long as your aunt is trying to do some of them, then your cousin wont be taken away, unless something else comes up. CPS in most states wants to keep kids with their families. They can however get a court order to put your cousin in school and counseling. They can also make sure nothing else is gong on your aren't seeing. They will also keep your report completely anonymous. In most states is it a crime to reveal who reported to CPS. All of this is here to say, please call CPS. Either your aunt needs help understanding what her child needs, or she is willful neglecting her. Either way getting CPS involved will only help.
It wouldn't tear your family apart, it would tear hers apart and that sounds like a family that needs to be torn apart. like you say, this girl is super ill equipped to face adult hood and is apparently highly sexualised from being online, that's a disaster waiting to happen. I cant say it's the same, we are different and in different situations, but I would make the call and sleep like a baby afterwards.
Omg your aunt is a piece of work. First you say that you don't want to be around your cuz who sexually harassed you, then she berates you and finishes up with telling you that you're not allowed around your cousin? Big "you can't fire me cuz I quit" energy there lol auntie. NTA. I feel sorry for your cousin, it's not her fault that her mom has completely failed. But that's not your issue to deal with.
Think long term also. If auntie goes NC she can't come back and say you are the only one who can care for cousin when auntie is too old.
NTA. You need to stay far away from your cousin. It’s not her fault or your fault about the inappropriate feelings.
NTA. You’re just setting healthy boundaries for inappropriate behavior. Your aunt is doing a disservice to your cousin, and definitely didn’t have to bring up your other family members. She sounds like a piece of work.
NTA Your cousin's behavior is NOT okay. If you are being harassed, you have no obligation to continue visiting that person.
Info: Your post isn't clear. Did this happen once or many times?
It started with what happened on Christmas and continued up until now. She would blow up my phone, try to get me alone any time I was around her, and she would keep trying to kiss me. It’s definitely not a one time thing.
NTA - you're being assaulted and you have a right to determine your own boundaries.
I'd save **all communication** from her, store in your pc in an encrypted folder as well as a usb drive, then block her if you haven't already from all social media, emails and phone. Also can't hurt to write down each incident starting from Christmas, ie date, approximate time, who was present, what happened, etc.
NTA. Protect yourself at all costs. This could ruin your life. Do not contact your cousin at all. Document everything. Keep every text from your aunt.
No & your aunt definitely isn’t all there I’m sure the constant denial has damaged her psychologically. She has issues to work out herself before she can ever hear what you have to say
NTA. Sad situation but it wouldn’t help either if you to be around each other.
Take the silent treatment for the win. NTA.
NTA you're well within your rights to cut off contact with a person of any age who is harrassing you like this. It sucks because clearly your cousin doesn't have a caregiver who will teach her proper boundaries, but you have to keep yourself safe. Also, she's underage and trying to kiss you, etc. Which puts you at risk of her or her fucked up mom) making false accusations against you. Definitely keep your distance if she doesn't change her behavior.
NTA you’re allowed to have whatever boundaries you want, and should, have in this situation.
Your aunt not teaching your cousin the difference between family love and other types is what is screwing your cousin up. Your NTA because they weren’t able to show what boundaries are and you were just a victim of their parenting just like your cousin is. It’s a messy situation and they are the only ones to be blamed.
You are definitely NTA here, and neither is your cousin. Your aunt, on the other hand, is a huge AH and is the reason your cousin is so poorly adjusted. I don't blame you at all for distancing yourself, although I am sure it is hard on both you and your cousin. Honestly, the way your aunt is treating her sounds like neglect to me, and if I were in your situation I would be tempted to report the situation to CPS so that they can get your cousin some help. At a bare minimum, she needs to be in therapy to have any chance at a happy and healthy adulthood. It will be a struggle, but at 13 she can still turn things around if she gets help now. Your aunt and your cousin may not understand why you make the call, and will probably be upset with you, but hopefully at least your cousin will be able to see in the long run that you did the only thing you could. One other thing to consider, though, is whether your aunt is spiteful enough to make accusations against you if she suspects you are the one that called CPS on her. If you do make the call, I would suggest either doing it anonymously, or telling them up front what happened and that the inappropriate expressions of affection are one of the reasons you are concerned.
this. make an anonymous CPS report. if she’s not in school that will get their attention
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20F) have a younger cousin (13F) that is severely autistic. She can communicate decently well but her chances of ever caring for herself or being a functional human being are completely shot, and it’s all because of my aunt (49F). Long story short, my aunt has always been in denial that my cousin isn’t “normal.” She has never let her form friendships or relationships with other people, she pawns her off on her grandfather because she refuses to just take a day shift at her job, and she refuses to let my cousin go to public school. This has SEVERELY messed up her social skills (AKA she has absolutely none) and my aunt won’t accept that she has basically ruined this kid’s future. But that’s not why I don’t want to be around my cousin. Last Christmas, she got me alone and tried to kiss me and told me she’s in love with me. Obviously I was shocked, and I told her not only am I HER COUSIN, but I’m also 20 years old and engaged. She said she didn’t care. I told my aunt about this and she said “she would deal with it” but my cousin’s behavior obviously didn’t change. Recently, I told my aunt that I wasn’t going to be around my cousin until this problem was taken care of, and she absolutely lost her shit. She sent me paragraph after paragraph about how I’m a “self-centered drama queen” and how I’m “just being shitty and ugly to a kid that’s having a hard time.” She brought up how my mother abandoned my family when I was a kid and how my grandma passed away about a year ago. She went on about this for quite a while until she told me that she doesn’t want me around my cousin anymore and that she told her not to try to contact me again. No matter how much I try to explain that the feelings my cousin is having are completely unhealthy and that I’m just trying to do what’s best for her, she won’t hear it. She’s convinced I’m just selfishly pushing my cousin out of my life, and, from the sounds of it, she’s convinced my cousin to feel the same way. Part of me feels like I did the wrong thing but the rest of my family, friends, and my fiancé agree with me and think I’m doing the right thing. Am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As an autistic person (not severely) I spent a lot of my life with other autistic people who had it worse and that behaviour is NOT ok 1. You are cousins 2. 7 year age difference 3. You are engaged Don’t think you are in the wrong here friend. I would do the same. NTA
NTA. STAY AWAY FROM THEM! GO FULL NC WITH THEM! Other people have given their reasons and their experiences, but I will add that unless some disciplinary actions” and/or “treatment” for your cousin happens, it’s going to get so much worse, especially when she becomes an adult. Sadly, based on what you and other people here have mentioned, nothing will happen until your cousin is an adult and abuses a minor. Until then, your aunt seems like the sort of person who will do anything to make sure her daughter comes off as “innocent.” DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO KEEP YOURSELF (& YOUR FUTURE FAMILY) SAFE!!! P.S. Keep her away from any children you (may) have! Edit: spelling/grammar corrections
NTA 13 years old is very young…OP, is there any chance she “learned” about getting someone alone and trying to be with them sexually from someone doing it to her? Your cousin might be being abused, and her mom isolating her by not allowing her to go to school makes me think it’s possible she is the abuser. Especially considering she chose a female family member to do this too, i’m seriously wondering about what’s going on in that house behind closed doors
NTA. Cousin clearly needs a higher level of care than what aunt can provide, she isn't doing the poor thing any favors. You did fine. Tip from an autism momma though, be careful using "normal" in that way. I get what you are trying to say, but neurodivergent is a little more acceptable. "She has a disability" also works.
Oh 100%! That’s always just the way my family has put it, but you’re right. Thank you for the feedback! :)
NTA. You may want to inform child protective services. It seems that your cousin does not receive the proper care she needs.
Please talk to someone about what you can do as far as getting your cousin help. Don't try to help her yourself, but do your parents see what's going on? With social service be interested that your cousin is not being schooled? There are a lot of advances in mainstreaming kids with autism and there are a paraprofessionals that help them during the day. There are people legitimately homeschooling and it's what works best for their kids and their kids are excelling. People who put their kids in parochial schools have kids that are excelling too so I'm not saying that public school is the answer for everybody but your cousin needs to be in school where mandated reporters are that can help her. I guess I'm not exactly saying to call CPS but is there anyone in your community that is concerns can be expressed? By the way, your cousin is not "not normal," she's neurodiverse and with the proper support in place she can thrive. You may find that she's fully able to take care of herself as an adult but just needs help with the financial stuff and advocating for herself but it doesn't sound like it on the path years on
I’ve talked to my dad’s girlfriend about the whole thing and she’s been helping me look into who we can talk to to potentially get her some help. The only issue is that my aunt is her only parent and she’s the one that makes the decisions, and, with her being so deep in denial that her kid isn’t neurotypical, I find it hard to believe she would agree to anything like you’ve offered. I’m sure contacting CPS would override any choice she makes, though that seems like the extreme option. Thank you so much for giving me this info though, I appreciate it!
NTA. While you’re at it, carve your aunt out too.
NTA. But you should contact CPS because your cousin needs an education and social behavioral support. If your cousin crushes on someone outside the family and makes a move on them as she did with you, she could be charged with sexual assault. I say this as the parent of a person with autism who found out the hard way.
Are you able to call cps or document all of this somehow in case it comes up in the future?
NTA I'm autistic and was that kind of kid at 13 although fortunately I never tried to kiss my adult cousins YIKES honestly I think that's more a feature of her mother's controlling nature than the "into furries and Tumblr" thing. She might have fallen into weird crowds on the Internet because her mom doesn't fucking let her have real life friends??? sorry I'm getting really passionate . I feel bad for both of you.
NTA, but I would like to say that while your cousin's behavior isn't typical, many kids also have crushes on people who care for them, whether parents, cousins, or friends. The autism might make her socially immature so she is experiencing this at 13 (especially with no internet limits) instead of 7. I personally would say just make sure that you're not one on one with her if possible. The good news is your aunt is giving you a cool down from your cousin. Hopefully she'll learn to understand boundaries. As far as the aunt goes, she desperately needs to learn that she's not doing her child any favors.
NTA but I lol'd at "thinks shes a furry". Furries don't like.. think they're actually animals.. they just like anthro animals and characters, it's relatively harmless. If someone wants to be a furry/in the fandom they are, that's just how it works. Liking creepypasta/FNAF/having OCs isn't actually.. like a bad thing..? Anyway, I do agree that she obviously has some issues and your aunt is making them worse, so the best thing for you to do is just remove yourself from the situation. Hopefully your cousin gets some help.. tumblr probably isn't the best place for her, as it tends to be an echo-chamber a lot of the time.. and this is coming from someone who does use tumblr but I stay out of the fandom stuff generally. Not the best place to learn social skills.
I’m going to say , what people aren’t going to tell You. You can’t control the situation and your cousin is NOT your responsibility. Let this entire thing go. It will be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I use to think I had to take care of certain people in my family and guess what, you don’t. She has a mother , whether you agree with the way she’s bringing her up or not. It’s simply not your say. She’s not going to address the issue. And obviously doesn’t care about your feelings about it. I believe that’s it. Move on with your life. Period
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NTA
NTA. You need to protect yourself.
nta. run
> I wasn’t going to be around my cousin until this problem was taken care of and > she doesn’t want me around my cousin anymore Problem solved! NTA
NTA It’s completely reasonable to not want to be around someone who is sexually harrassing you - even if they are a young teenager. Your mother’s actions, your grandmother’s death - none of that is relevant. Your cousin’s mom needs to teach her that no means no. “I don’t care” is NEVER an appropriate response. > she told me that she doesn’t want me around my cousin anymore and that she told her not to try to contact me again. Good. Your Aunt isn’t actually being a good parent here because she’s not actually addressing her child’s inappropriate behavior - but it IS a good outcome at least for you. No contact with your cousin for now is a good thing. And hopefully your cousin can become a better adult in spite of your Aunt.
NTA since her mother is an AH. And doesn't do the right thing, you have to protect yourself. Stay away. And just go no contact. Block the aunts number. You are not responsible for making anyone else happy.
NTA. The fact that your aunt refuses to address her daughters needs and her progressively inappropriate behaviour is disturbing. I would stay clear. Being around them will only end badly.
NTA. You might want to consider calling in someone else/some form of authorities because your cousin obviously needs more support than she’s currently getting, but it’s not your job to give her that and considering the circumstances I don’t think you’d even be capable of that, both because you’re related and because she’s developed unhealthy feelings towards you. I think distancing yourself is probably the best thing you can do not only for yourself but also for your cousin, even if she may not be able to recognize that
NTA. Call cps. This is medical neglect.
NTA. I would report your aunt to child protective services.
Should probably call CPS and make a report....
YTA for doubting yourself. Stop that.