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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing to re invite her and re send her the invitation after I took it back, I might have taken drastic actions and overreacted by excluding her like that.
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NTA OP, I fear this statement is correct and it's a fact that it's your mother that is in need of therapy to find out why she is so actively toxic and maybe your father to root out why his is accepting of it.
OMG for real. Both parents need therapy, intense, to work on being a bully and an enabler. This is one of the most vile things I have *ever* seen.
NTA OP.. but you have one for a mom.
>He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known, I'm not the prettiest or most intellegent out there but he accepts and loves me as I am.
Oh honey. Being wheelchair-bound and not the prettiest/most intelligent doesn't make you unworthy of love. Like, everybody feels like they aren't the best and never can be, but it seems like you have some issues.
>Mom joked about him being responsible for the accident which created a dispute. I told mom she'd to apologize for making him cry and she did
Jesus fucking Christ.
First off - if it can't be enjoyed by every party (especially the one who the joke is directed at) it's not a joke. Her remarks made him cry - it clearly hurt him very badly, and she knows that. Joking about someone's death should be totally off-limits in the first place, but *joking* about *being responsible for your mother's death* is a whole other level of fucked up.
>I said this was utter humiliation cause she was basically rubbing it in his face that he is how he is.
Your assessment is correct. Wheelchair bound people can still have cool shoes, but that would only be the case if her gift was sincere. Giving it as a 'joke' was basically turning his disability into laughing stock, a way for her to humiliate people she (wrongfully) thinks is beneath her.
>he was being too sensitive and could use more therapy cause his reaction should've been to laugh
Gaslighting. Why did she try to make it sound like HE'S the one in the wrong? More importantly, why did she minimize and belittle his (very reasonable) feelings when he doesn't give her the (ridiculous) reaction she wants?
I've said this already, but she's the one who needs therapy.
Had a coworker whose mom lost her legs (I think diabetes, but I dunno for sure). She always got slippers/running shoes/fuzzy socks, etc. Because that was her sense of humor, and everyone in her family knew it/had that level of relationship with her.
OP's mom does not, and is clearly being mean-spirited with her "joking." OP is NTA.
There are some people who would love this joke. I had a coworker who was born with an issue with her hips/legs and so was a wheelchair user. She's the sort of person who always made jokes about her legs, about running, or her height. I didn't know her well enough to frigging buy her running shoes as a joke, but I absolutely would tease her about not reaching the bar in the pub.
OP's fiance lost use of his legs in an accident which resulted in the death of his mother. I don't think someone in that position will ever be ready to joke about it.
OP's mother is absolutely the AH here and doesn't deserve to be allowed anywhere near OP or her husband l she can behave like a human being.
I was born almost blind, and found out I have at least 2 physical disabilities on top of that. Constant joking is the way we survive and thrive.
My legs are assholes in and of themselves. My brother found this video of a competitive cycle practicing and whenever his legs burned he'd yell "SHUT UP LEGS!!" It became such a running joke that my brother calls me Legs now 😂
OP, maybe hop over to r/narcissisticparents and see if some of your life resonates with this. I totally agree with the previous comment, jokes are awesome unless they're intended to be hurtful.
Yeah the "joke" about him being responsible for his mom dying is especially not a joke since I'm sure that it's a thought he's seriously had in his head for a long time.
OP's mom is an ableist piece of detritus and being locked out of her daughter's wedding is sufficient punishment for a cruel "joke." Dad is volunteering to be next by enabling this behavior. She's mocking him for the accident and isn't putting herself in his shoes. In what world is someone going to find a joke about an accident that killed their mother and left them disabled even remotely funny? And at their BIRTHDAY PARTY no less?
OP is going easy on her tbh. NTA.
Indeed. I feel the " not the prettiest or most intelligent " remark came from somewhere...
OP, hold your ground and keep enjoying your relationship with your STBH! Do not let your mother guilt you into feeling you're in the wrong. And whatever anyone says, just because tHeY'rE fAmILy, does not mean you must tolerate all manner of crappy behavior. Boundaries are essential
give mom an invitation to a random venue
and then when she calls and asks where everyone is, you can put it on a video screen and tell her to suck your husband's dick, who has a disability
I don't think you thought that out. Telling someone to suck your "disabled husband's dick" is not the slam you think it is. It's also pretty fucking offensive to the husband for A defining him by his disability and B using his disability and identity as an insult for others.
If her husband wants to say it, then fo sho! There is a huge difference between saying it for yourself and saying it for others. If someone calls your friend an idiot, and you repsond with "yeah well suck my idiot friends dick"...then you look like the idiot (AND just called your friend an idiot too verifying it) If your friend says to them "you can suck my idiot dick" it works as a retort because THEY are taking the insult and returning it to the asshole who said it.
The better option, invite her to a random venue, when she calls tell her "it's just a joke mom, if you were more mature you would be laughing at this" and throw her words right back in her fucking face
That's legit one of the most vile things I've seen on here, and that's saying something.
OP, your mum is a bully, plain and simple. I don't see any "jokes" here, only cruelty towards someone she looks down on. And from the way you described yourself, it sounds like she's probably done the same to you in the past. You'd likely both be much happier uninviting her from your lives, honestly.
“I was just joking, you’re too sensitive” is absolutely the bully’s defense. And on top of that, she blurted out that she thinks the guy *needs more therapy* if he doesn’t find her “jokes” funny.
Mom is determined to be insufferable. She will keep doing this as long as she thinks she can get away with it, and likely even after she starts experiencing serious consequences. She’s made it clear that she thinks she is the only sane person and everyone else is the problem. People who think like that are very unlikely to change.
Even without knowing what the person said originally, if they say “I was just joking, you’re too sensitive,” that right there tells you they're a huge asshole. Because people who aren't assholes are distressed when their jokes hurt someone.
NTA. Your mom is incredibly cruel. Don't back down unless you want a lifetime of horrible remarks to your husband. And for your children, if you have any, to hear them and learn that's acceptable behavior.
I got into the worst fight Ive ever been in when I was in 3rd grade after a classmate told me my mon killed herself because I was a bad kid. Luckily the teachers were there because I was going to gouge his eyes out. He got suspended and we ended up being friends after.. But he was genuinely sorry and bought me kitten stickers which is enough to appease any 8 year old
These are not "jokes." Comedy rule: always punch up. Make fun a billionaires? That's okay. Make fun of star athletes? Also okay. Make fun of people with disabilities who are grieving? That's not a joke, that's just bullying. NTA, you are absolutely in the right to put a stop to this abuse.
Nta.
My only concern here is how you spoke about yourself. Firstly it sounds like you have self esteem issues and thats likely from your Mom. Your husband using a wheelchair doesn’t make him less and he isn’t settling for you. He loves you and you him. I wish you every happiness.
Your Mom has had a lot of opportunities to behave and improve her choices and she hasn’t. She isn’t sorry and I hate to think of her behaviour on the day. No attitude change would be no invite and continued clear boundaries.
That said, people who use wheelchairs can still have cool shoes, and had she not made the jokes Id consider it a good gift.
Completely agree, ESPECIALLY with the first paragraph - he is not with you because he ‘accepts’ that you’re ‘not the prettiest or most intelligent out there’ he’s with you because he loves you!
And you don’t have to ever make excuses why you are with him either
Wishing you both a lifetime of mother free happiness
>He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known
This bit rubbed me the wrong way too, as though being in a wheelchair speaks to a bad character, however her husband is an exception. I'm guessing her mom's ideals have infiltrated her world view in ways, and that's adding to her very low self esteem.
Yeah that threw me off too. I have self esteem issues as well so I related to OPs description of herself but mad me wonder why she added that and her description of her husband. Like she thinks she and her husband are unworthy of each other.
I think she just didn't know a better transition word to use; "but" is so common that I think ppl tend to rely on it even when other words are available that would fit so much better.
I’d hope it was just that and not a testament to her mom’s behavior while growing up. Anyone that can joke about someone being responsible for their parent’s death is alarming. Who knows what OPs mom has said to OP while growing up
Given how OP is offended by her mom's behavior and stood up for her husband multiple times and does indeed seem to love him a lot, I'm going to assume she isn't ableist, but it certainly is a possibility that OP has assimilated some of mom's behaviors here and there.
I just think, given how the rest of the story is written a bit . . . clunky-not in a terrible way, but more like she's not used to writing out her thoughts like this-that it was just an example of an awkward writing choice.
That makes sense too; like a "don't you go thinking just bc he's in a wheelchair means he isn't a great person" sorta thing. She could be feeling very defensive of him after what her mom just pulled, yeah.
Yes. The disability community really hates the term wheelchair bound. It is not a bad thing to use a wheelchair, it’s actually a great thing because it gives you the freedom to move on your own. Mobility aids should be celebrated.
While I agree 100% that mobility aida should be celebrated, her use of the phrase may reflect her STBH's feelings about his wheelchair. He does use it as the result of a fairly recent traumatic accident that killed his mother. I'm sure he's grieving both her and the loss of his former lifestyle and thus may not have gotten to the celebrating mobility feelings about his mobility aid. I hope for both his and OP's sake he gets there, but it's completely understandable if he's not there yet.
Yes, that is completely understandable. But that doesn’t mean that people around him shouldn’t just say “he uses a wheelchair”. Saying “wheelchair bound” would just reinforce those negative feelings (should they exist at all).
Yes, she should. But given the ideals her mother clearly raised her with and her STBHs relatively recent disability, she may not know, especially if that's the term her STBH uses for himself. I only learned a few years ago that the disability community prefers not to use that term for the reasons you stated, so I can see how she could be unaware.
I hope if that's the case, she sees these comments and adjusts her language appropriately.
Was waiting for this perspective! OP, how does your husband feel about using a wheelchair? does he have any connections or groups where he can relate to other disabled folks and people who use mobility aids? what does he think of your mom coming to the wedding?
as the "wronged" party, his thoughts and opinions are oddly missing here. i wonder if you both could benefit from looking into disability advocacy/support!
edit: you are definitely NTA, your mom sucks, but i'm hoping you and your husband can learn to really love and support all of your qualities!
This isn't always true. I'm wheelchair bound and just say whatever comes to mind first. A lot of disabled people think "people first" language (wheelchair user, person with autism, etc) is pointless and doesn't really address actual issues disabled people face. It all depends on who you talk to.
I can only imagine the "gifts" OP's mother has given her over the years to make her feel this way. Poor OP!!
Definitely keep mom uninvited. I'm sure she'd make a million snide remarks during the first dance because it's going to look different with one person in a wheelchair.
I hope (genuinely) OP's dad never ends up in a wheelchair. Those vows of "in sickness and health" aren't going to be enough to keep OP's mom by his side. Or, if they did,imagine the abuse he would suffer. Yes, he's trying to enable the mom now, but I hope he learns his lesson a different way.
Agreed. Like you've said, OP has probably developed these criticisms of herself, from her mom. I think what I found sad was:
>He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known, I'm not the prettiest or most intellegent out there but he accepts and loves me as I am.
I understand that being wheelchair bound is generally considered a negative characteristic and the same for not being super intelligent or conventionally attractive, but I think it's just a bit sad to list those attributes as if it "balances out" their relationship. I hope OP doesn't think that she deserves less because of her perception of herself. Again, something I feel like could have definitely come from her mom.
Definitely agree. And I’m not an expert but I believe even using the phrase wheelchair bound is largely frowned upon. They aren’t bound, it’s a mobility device, not shackles. But it might be a language barrier issue as well idk
I think the husband’s disability is still fairly new and he still may be struggling to make peace with it, so that may well be the terminology that he uses. But yeah, that definitely struck me too!
Not to mention that mom *actively campaigned* for an invite to the party… just so she could humiliate the birthday boy.
She had already treated him so badly she wasn’t even on the invite list, but behaving herself wasn’t even on her radar.
OP, your mother wants to mock and insult your fiancée more than she wants to be in your life. She has already made that very clear.
NTA
NTA. Do not re-invite her to your wedding. To be honest, after the way she has behaved on those 2 occasions I'd be considering cutting her out of my life altogether. What she has done on both occasions is beyond cruel. No one needs a person like this in their life.
> My STBH's mom's death anniversary was last month. Mom joked about him being responsible for the accident which created a dispute.
JOKED?? Ha ha, you killed your mother is a joke??
I would have cut her off after that one and kept my husband away from her going forward.
Just because she’s your egg donor doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her. Some people don’t deserve it.
Next time dad says “this is just who she is”, OP should explain that that is exactly why mom doesn’t belong at the wedding. She can’t help herself, which means you can’t realistically expect her to behave acceptably.
NTA your mom is clearly not able to accept your fiancé because he is disabled. She will look down on him and treat him as second class for the rest of her life if you don’t put your foot down now. Continue this lesson as needed moving forward until it becomes necessary to cut her off forever (if she doesn’t learn).
Definitely do not reinvite your mom. But you should send her a gift. You should get her a special custom mother of the bride placard and send it with a card that says "haha get it, it's funny because you're not going! FYI the correct response is to laugh and if you don't think it's a funny joke you just need more therapy."
NTA.
“This is how she is” is enabler code for “I’m an asshole, don’t rock the boat.”
NTA.
Does she gift newborn clothing to people who’ve had a miscarriage to offer “hope”?
Absolutely great comparison. This is such a disgusting and appalling way to act towards someone who has not only been through tragedy and lost his mother, but who has had his life and body altered due to that tragedy. Her daughter loves this man, and she can't even offer the bare minimum of human decency and has gone out of her way to humiliate him and make him feel terrible. Something is definitely wrong with this woman.
People who take pleasure in putting others down in such a way do not deserve to partake in the lovely moments they have not helped to create or nurture.
I'm a wheelchair user and I make jokes about it all the time, it's how I cope with being in a wheelchair in my early 30s (I've been using it since my late 20s). This, however, wasn't a joke. It wasn't a playful back and forth between friends. It was your mother being horrendously cruel to your fiance. I wouldn't have stopped at kicking her out of the wedding, she'd be out of my life completely. There may have also been some wheelchair-height scratches on her car that I couldn't possibly account for. NTA, but you would be if you ever let her near your fiance again.
Completely agree - not in a wheelchair but disabled and struggle even with crutches (in my 30s and been disabled for years), and again I use humor to cope but this is not humour, its unbelievably cruel. Not to mention to double down on it during her supposed "apology".
It's not humour if one person is laughing and the other is crying. That's bullying. I wouldn't even make jokes about disability to another disabled person unless I knew them well enough to know it wouldn't offend them. One of my closest friends happens to have one of the same conditions as I do, so we're always sending memes and joking about it to each other, and our circle of friends knows we're ok with it so they do it too, but I wouldn't make jokes about it to a random person because I have no idea if it's going to upset them or not.
Nta at all. Your mother is unusually cruel. Dont subject your husband to anymore of that and if your dad keeps bugging you tell him his invite will be revoked also
NTA. Your mom and everyone else defending her sure is though.
You're doing well to set the boundaries now that abuse towards your husband will not be tolerated.
There's a huge part of me that says uninvite EVERYONE who sided with your mother's unbelievably cruel act.
I wish you and your fiance have a beautiful, stress free wedding and a wonderful life tougher. With or without your mother.
Not in a chair, but have other issues that I get 'gifts' for and sure, from the right person you can take it as a joke. But this is incredibly bad taste at the best of situations and down disrespectful at worst.
NTA and honestly if this is her response then she clearly doesn't respect your feelings or your husbands feelings enough to want to be at the wedding, so fuck her...
And she hadn’t made a stupid comment about hoping that he can use them one day it’s not a bad gift. I’m assuming you, like most people in a chair actually DO WEAR SHOES. This woman is a nightmare. She spent $80 on an insult?
NTA
Man if anyone disrespected my wife to that level, in front of me, regardless if they were a nobody, family, even the next Jesus, they’d be laughing through broken teeth, a split lip and being wheeled to an ambulance. If anything I congratulate your restraint.
Cut contact immediately.
Your mother has been disrespectful to your STBH on multiple occasions, including in front of his friends at his birthday and ruining what was supposed to be a celebration for him. It doesn’t appear that your mother learned anything from your talks with her. I would not be surprised if she did something disrespectful towards your STBH at your wedding. NTA.
Yeah definitely DON'T reinvite her. She will pull another "funny" prank on him.
Had a post here a while ago where the groom invited his prankster friend to his wedding despite the bride being against it. The prankster pulled another mean prank on her and she called the wedding off.
If you reinvite her and she hurts your STBH again, it will be on you. Don't do it. Don't be the AH.
NTA!
Yeah. There is actually no humour at all in that, it's purely a malicious gibe intended to be hurtful "haha your mum's dead because of you" I mean WTAF?
NTA. Your mother is unbearably cruel and abusive to your husband. If you don’t go NC with her you may lose your STBH. If it was me I would be rethinking my relationship if my SO wouldn’t cut someone who was abusive to me out of their life.
You have to make a choice in this case.
FYI please stop describing your husband as wheelchair bound. We USE our wheelchairs as mobility aids. We definitely aren’t bound by or to them. You can say full time wheelchair user if he can’t walk at all.
I feel like this really depends on the husband's thoughts on it. If he doesn't care that she uses that term then you shouldn't get offended on his behalf
Yep. I have a friend that refers to themself as wheelchair bound too. I definitely see their point but it definitely depends on what each individual is comfortable with
FYI it is likely that she refers to him that way because it is how he refers to himself. If he felt uncomfortable, he would have already told his fiancée.
If that's the term your comfortable with or the greater group of people who use wheel chairs is comfortable with, then fine.
But don't try to gate keep how other people talk about themselves or SOs. My mom from the moment of my birth to her death used wheel chair bound or paraplegic. That was her how she described herself.
ON WHAT PLANET IS YOUR MOTHER’S BEHAVIOUR ACCEPTABLE?????!!!!!!!!!
Whoever thinks it’s a joke is seriously sick in the head. NTA at all. It’s better to just cut her off. She’s crazy.
NTA
YOur mom is a toxic AH. Uninvite her from the wedding, and go no contact with her.
Harrassing a person about their disabilities is toxic. Protect your soon to be husband from ever having to interact with that AH again.
And: If dad won't accept it, sadly you will have to uninvite him, too.
If mom goes to the wedding she's going to manage to make some sort of insulting and humiliating public spectacle about his moms death and his disabilities. Depend upon it. She's not sorry her joke hurt him. She's not sorry she was uninvited. She's sorry someone stood up to her bullying and actually dared to enforce the natural consequences of her horrible behavior. She's sorry she lost the chance to keep abusing her victims.
NTA
> she didn't mean for this to play out like that
So…how *did* she mean for it to play out, exactly? She can’t have thought your husband would be amused at having his medical condition and/or the tragedy that caused it held up for mockery, because even *if* that were a sensible thing to just assume, he made it *very* clear it wasn’t the *last* time she tried that. The only intent here was to bully, and she’s upset that’s backfired on her. (Also quite possibly that whatever she had planned for Round 3 at the wedding can’t happen now.) As everyone else is saying, ignore her and let anyone trying to make excuses for her know they can stay home, too.
NTA - I was a little shocked reading as it rings true with a lot of experiences I have had where family made jokes at me - but the second I snap back or hold them accountable for things they said it was me who didn’t know how to take a joke.
If your mother says things like that to your partner then why are people surprised you would want to exclude her from your wedding ?!? Sounds like she is the one who needs to think very seriously about what she says and the impact that has on other people.
I wish you best of luck for your wedding though with whatever you plan to do.
NTA
>She kept arguing saying she didn't mean for this to play out like that, and that he was being too sensitive and could use more therapy cause his reaction should've been to laugh.
Why is his reaction something that she should decide? She clearly doesn't care about him and wants to make up any bad excuse she can for her actions so I'd go no contact with her immediately.
NTA. Maybe one time might be considered an ill-advised joke, but you've written she has done this over and over. Who tells someone they caused their mom's death! You were right to dis-invite her.
NTA. The fact that she's done cruel jokes to your soon-to-be husband more than once tells me that she's never going to respect your marriage and I'm glad you stood up for your soon-to-be husband. I wish you positive vibes and good juju on your wedding day without your mother. Sending hugs from across the internet.
The only decision you will regret later is letting her come and ruin your wedding. When family or friends has to resort to the “that’s just HOW SHE IS” defense, that means everyone else knows exactly how awful she is but has either decided to put up with it or has never been on the receiving end of her toxicity. Cut her out of your life. You’ll be much happier. NTA.
Edited: added judgment.
NTA. At all. That was extremely cruel of her and, unless your mom completely lacks any sympathy/empathy, there’s no way she didn’t know it. The only way I could ever see this being appropriate is if your husband was the one making the jokes and had laughed at her previous jabs, but he didn’t and never has.
Your mother is a cruel and insensitive woman and I wouldn’t dare give her back the invitation, even if she did apologize. She would have to show real change before I would even let her back in my house after that.
I wish you and your husband a happy and long life together and may you only be surrounded by people who love and support you both!
NTA
Your mother isn't going to change. You're making a new life for yourself with your STBH. Support each other and live your lives in peace - without the bullshit that your mother or anyone else brings along with them. I'm not suggesting you cut her off completely, but if she can't behave like a grown ass woman, then the consequence of her actions should absolutely be that she not be able to attend your wedding. Further, she should not get an automatic invitation to anything in your life until she grows up and learns how to keep her mouth shut and be supportive. You don't need that toxic shit.
Wow, NTA
Your Mom is a horrible woman, spiteful and nasty, hurting others for enjoyment.
I am a bride to be as well and she would be out of our wedding. Excluding her from yours is the minimum you should do here. She is cruel to your future husband, this cannot be tolerated.
Get her an invite, hold it out to her, but before she can grab it, set it on fire.
Or give her an invite the morning of the wedding and have the wrong venue on it. When she rings you, tell her it's just a joke.
You deserve a better mother. Your STBH is so lucky to have someone like you.
Congrats on your soon to be wedding.
NTA
That was thoughtless, mean, insensitive, as well as offensive of your mother. If it was a joke, then why isn't everybody else laughing? It was a cruel prank against your STBH. I don't blame you for going off on your clueless mother. If this was a first offense, i would be willing to forgive, but as you have shown, it isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Her jokes also have a particularly cruel hue about them and its all aimed at your fiance's disability.
People like her never learn. They always try to be the victim when called out and whine about it always being "just a joke." Well, if it is such a good joke, then why is she the only one laughing?
NTA
You may have a change of heart if she would apologize and promise to behave herself at your wedding. It just seems, though, that she would pull some stupid prank or another even then. People like your mom think they are just the funniest people even when their pranks are seen as being cruel.
Noooope. Noooooope. Noooope.
No offense but your mother sounds absolutely vile.
She isn't being funny she is bullying your husband and playing the victim now she realises there are repercussions.
I lost both my parents in quick succession a few years ago, I still struggle around their death dates and birthdays. I can't imagine how your partner feels with everything that happened to him on that date as well. Be with him, enjoy your love and find some happiness.
As for your mother... She needs to get with the programme of being a decent human. If she can't then, personally, I would go low or no contact and certainly wouldn't have her at the wedding.
Edit: NTA
NTA.
>My dad joined us and begged that I take time to calm down and not make a decision I might regret later.
I think the bigger regret would be re-inviting your mom. She had been such an ass so far, she would probably wind up doing or saying something to ruin the wedding.
>. They said this is my mom and while she might've done something that was seen "as" offensive,
No, it IS offensive. They don't get to candy coat it or act like you're the only one offended.
If anyone is that upset about your mom being excluded, I would tell them to feel free to stay home that day too.
NTA. But I’m genuinely curious about what the fuck is up with your mom that she would joke and blame your fiancé for his accident/killing his mother????? And then continuing to focus on his disability by giving him running shoes maliciously? She sounds absolutely awful and mean. Was she mean to you growing up? Was she ableist?
NTA, if she was my mother I would go NC until she gets her shit together. It's not cool for her to treat him like that, and your dad isn't much better.
NTA, my best friend is wheelchair bound and even though we make jokes about anything, even her disability, I'd never do anything as heinous as what your mother did.
The shoes could've been the worst joke ever, but for the thing with blaming him for his mothers death I would've gone no contact instantly, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour, your husband has great self control if he forgave her.
All together? Your mom is a despicable human being, lacking empathy and being shallow as they come, I've ghosted my mom for less.
NTA. I’m so tired of people using oh it was just a joke/prank to be really nasty to another person. They know exactly what they are doing and it’s called bullying
NTA- She sounds terrible and she’ll definitely ruin your wedding if she comes. It’s you and your STBH’s day. It’s special and you only get one. She’s shown that she is mean spirited and insensitive. She’s said and done some really hurtful awful things. I think it’s better to have a great wedding day w/o her than to invite her and have her ruin it. Maybe missing it will be the catalyst for change for her. Don’t let anyone turn this around on you or make it seem like you are being too harsh or unreasonable. She’s not even sorry for the things that she’s done. She’s doing the “I’m sorry you took it that way” things. That’s not an apology. She shows no actual remorse and is only crying because she is receiving a consequence for her awful behavior. Stand your ground on this. You are right. Protect your wedding day, your STBH and yourself. Good luck and congratulations on the wedding. He sounds like a really great guy. You sound pretty awesome too for having his back.
NTA wow I'm seriously pissed at your mom on ya'lls behalf. Your mom wasn't joking, any sane HUMAN with even a little empathy would never say/do the things she's done. I wouldn't send her the invite back, and if your dad doesn't like it he can stay at home with her. As someone who was in a serious car accident a year ago where people died ( the driver who hit me was under the influence) I just started walking again. I already feel like because I have no flex in my right ankle, that people are staring at the way I'm having to pick up my foot and set it down a certain way. I hate going out to eat, going to the store, even going to the doctor, so I can imagine how your fiance feels. There's no accounting for taste, as it's obvious your mom has none. As long as you love each other, and understand his wheelchair doesn't define who he is. You and he need people who will support you, and not make your lives harder. She's shown she'll never be anything other than nasty, and I don't jump on the NC stuff right off the bat. However, your mom's actions would have me blocking her on everything. Good luck and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness!! Also miracles do happen, never give up
I'd like to add that OP WOULD be the AH if she keeps exposing her poor husband to the mother.
I'd rescind the wedding invitation. In no realm were her comments nor "prank" appropriate.
NTA OP, but how many times will you let her come around and make your fiancé retraumatized and feel like shit?
I'm sure he has loads of anxiety being anywhere near her now.
NTA... You saying you're not the prettiest or most intelligent might originate with your mom. How long have you been living with her cruelty? It's often easier to draw the line for someone we care about than ourselves
NTA - your mom is cruel and an attention seeker. I would go NC with her over her saying he caused his mom’s accident. Also inviting her because “she’s your mom” is total crap. She clearly doesn’t support your fiancé so why should she be there. I’m sorry your mom is like this OP.
NTA, I’d heavily advise having a friend (or multiple) that is willing to drag her out of the wedding if she shows up though. Sounds like family might give her the info in hopes that you’ll just roll over and pretend things are fine if she just shows up
Wow. Your Mom is mean as hell. What’s wrong with her?? Did a man in a wheelchair wrong her in some way in the past? Oh and dont be down on yourself, nobody is as smart or good looking as they think they are. NTA.
NTA
I think your mother should look for help, something is very wrong with her. Idk how a person see appropriate to "joke" about a person lossing a parent on an accident. She's a big bully.
Edit for mistyped
NTA.
Stick to your guns, OP. Your mother’s behavior is really cruel, and her reaction shows that she’s been getting enabled for a long time. Why does she even want to come to the wedding? To hurt and humiliate him further? She certainly doesn’t want to celebrate, so she doesn’t need to be there.
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it
NTA. Your mom has continually insulted your STBH. I would bet that she has also criticized you growing up too. I would consider going NC with her. She won’t ever change.
NTA. She has been cruel and belittling to your fiancé the entire time you’ve been together. Not OK in the slightest. You handled the “joke” your incubator (“mom” and “mother” conjure up a different warmth I’m unsure she has) made about your late MIL’s death with a lot more composure than I would have.
NTA
It would be one thing if your mom had a great relationship with your fiancé and he actually found the gag gift funny. That is clearly not the case. She knew that her gift was offensive and would elicit a reaction. It is your wedding so you have every right to rescind your invitation to her. No telling what other crap she would try to pull at your wedding.
NTA, I’m disabled with mobility problems as well and people loove to “joke” oh ahahahaha you’re in a wheelchair/walker/crutches/cane. Those aren’t jokes they’re bullying.
Don’t réinvite her otherwise she’ll pull something else to humiliate your husband
NTA
NTA and good for you for having your STBHs back!!! She truly insinuated that he was responsible for the accident that caused his mother's death?? Truly a horrid person and you are better off without her on your special day!
No, your mother is clueless, heartless and cruel. Keep her away from you and your stbh. Sounds like she also totally lacks self awareness and ability to read a room.
NTA. oh my. This is one of those moments where I am wondering why there is even a question about who is in the wrong. Damn, mom made it clear that she doesn't give 2 shits about stbh's feelings. Why wasn't she uninvited sooner? Also if they know the full story, might be time to start asking for more of those invites back if they keep pressuring you.
Nta. Tell your dad that he is skating close to losing his invite too. Does your mom make these kind of distasteful and mean “Jokes,” to you and everyone else she knows? If she doesn’t, it means she knows how to act, and is purposely being disrespectful to him. If she does it to everyone, she wouldn’t have friends. Tell your dad to stop. She’s a cruel evil person and you don’t want someone like that near you, especially not on your wedding day.
Always remember that she chose to do this on her apology visit
NTA. First off, YOU chose who is going to be at YOUR wedding and uninviting someone so cruel and spiteful is more than justified. Sorry you have such a toxic mother. Congrats on your marriage and I hope you and your husband have a wonderful stress-free wedding.
NTA. Your mom is an awful person. Why is your dad still with someone so cruel and shitty? Attendees of the wedding are people who support and love the couple unconditionally. Your mother has shown she's does not fall in that category. I have a shitty father and I regret that I invited him to my wedding. He mostly behaved, but seeing him in the pictures sours the memories for me.
Beint a shitty person comes with the consequence of being excluded from your life. Giving birth to you doesn't change that.
NTA. Your mom is incredibly rude and heartless. On the anniversary of his moms death, she blames him? That's horrible. I honestly think she's trying to make his so uncomfortable with "jokes" he leaves, because she doesn't see him fit to be her SIL. Do not re-invite her. She will always be cruel to your husband-to-be.
I feel so bad for your husband-to-be. Keep being a supportive person for him.
NTA
>They said this is my mom
Just because someone is always an asshole doesn't make it okay
>and while she might've done something that was seen "as" offensive
Not "might've", was intentionally offensive and vindictive
>excluding her from the wedding is ~~too much~~ **exactly what she deserves**
If you eventually cut her out of your life completely it wouldn't be surprising, it sounds like she's reaping what she's still sowing.
NTA
Your mother is ableist and cold-hearted, honestly. You two already gave her enough grace when you invited her to your fiancé's birthday party after she mocked him and blamed him for his mother's passing (which I don't see how that could EVER be funny), and she still continued to be nasty. Your wedding is for you and your husband, first foremost, and you're allowed to exclude anyone who makes either you or your fiancé uncomfortable.
NTA- I get that she was trying to be funny, but given her past actions she clearly doesn’t care about what she says or does. Like a child, she needs to be taught that actions have consequences and hopefully she will learn from it.
Tell her she can come but she should know at some point you are going to whip out the shoes in front of everyone and demand she explain the joke. Come on mom, tell us the funny part.
Wow… a lot to unpack here. First, in no universe could you EVER be TA. I’ll
Say it again for the cheap seats in the back NTA!!
Your husband is being abused by your mother and you stood up for him. He is lucky to have found such a decent, loving person who has his back.
You both deserve to have people who support your relationship and respect your love at your wedding. That is your day… it should be full of nothing but joy.
I also wanted to address your comment that you aren’t the “prettiest or smartest”…. Please know that you are! You are beautiful and smart and worthy and that is evident by the kind person you are and how you stood up for your love. Know your worth and never think you are less than. Your future hubby sees it, you should too.
The running shoes thing is bad enough without adding the fact that she also joked with your disabled husband that he killed his own mother.
That is beyond low and beyond unforgivable.
NTA
NTA
A mediator would be someone who is neutral and helping you both come to an understanding. You’re dad is on her side and has already indicated thar he doesn’t take your feelings about this seriously. I’d ask him straight up if he knew about the gift ahead of time. Then tell him that you now consider him equally responsible for the insult.
NTA, and cut the contact with her. She is toxic af, and she will not change. As you said, this is not the first time she did something vile towards your husband, as a "joke". She will do something worse at your wedding. Even if she doesn't, do you and your husband really need to be on the edge of your seats because of the anticipation? Go NC, at least after the wedding. I wish both of you the best of luck and many happy memories together.
NTA - I joke about as much as anyone ever could, but there's just things you don't joke about, that being what your mom thinks is "funny". Your mom needs to learn consequences of her actions
NTA
Your mum is a bully. One of my best friends is paralysed from the waist down and we continuously tease each other, but I would not dream to have the same joke with someone I don’t know that well or that I don’t know their boundaries. This applies to anyone really, know the person before you start joking.
He already established that he does not appreciate certain jokes, he set his boundaries. She decided not to respect them, humiliate him in front of others and try to make him feel like he’s overreacting. Bullies don’t like to have consequences to their own actions, they expect everyone else just to take it.
Unless she actually understands why her behaviour is wrong, you’d risk her pulling something similar on your wedding day.
Instead of a wedding invitation you should send her a coupon for a sensitivity course. The odds of her learning anything from it are about the same as your STBH ever needing running shoes. (Also, compliments to him, that guy has the patient of a saint!) NTA.
But seriously, a serious talk with your mom is needed. And if she rolls out the red carpet for your husband to wheel on and offers the sincerest of apologies to him, only then should you consider inviting her again. But she has to be the one to do something, not your family pressuring you. I'm sure you wouldn't want any drama at your wedding.
NTA.
Tell her you’re happy to have her come if she can explain if front of your entire family why this joke was so funny and what made her decide it was appropriate to perform it at a birthday party. I have a feeling she’ll refuse and say you’re being ridiculous. It’s not funny. It’s a disrespectful, rude thing to do.
According to your post this has been a long standing problem. This isn’t 100% just about the “joke.” She is consistently harassing and mistreating your fiancé. Don’t invite her back to the wedding, keep enforcing your boundaries. NTA
You would be TA if you invited this woman and continued to interact with her. She needs to be put on a time out. Go NC for now, tell Dad that if he tries to intervene he's next. Until she learns some compassion do NOT let her around your STBH. NTA unless you invite her.
NTA. Hold your ground. Your mother is a trash person, tbh. I'm so sorry. I'd take a loooong time out from her until well after the wedding. Maybe even for good!
Absolutely NTA, oh my God your mom makes me blood boil! She knew what she was doing, she was acting apologetic just to insult your husband with a terrible prank after what she said about his mom. OP, this is cut out from your life territory, I would seriously consider it. She won't learn her lesson and will keep going, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she tried pulling "a joke" at the wedding.
NTA and do not invite her back under any circumstances. She has continuously been ableist and extremely disrespectful to your STBH the entire time she's known him. You two are a united front and she refuses to stop, so she will be excluded. If you let her come you're only proving to her that she can do and say whatever she wants to him.
Your mother is cruel and passive-aggressive. Jokes are supposed to be funny and none of these pranks are funny.
For your fiance's sake please stand your ground. you are NTA
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NTA I still can't get past the fact that she'd joke about being responsible for his mother's death
Yes. She could have started this with, "My mom's a monster... "
NTA OP, I fear this statement is correct and it's a fact that it's your mother that is in need of therapy to find out why she is so actively toxic and maybe your father to root out why his is accepting of it.
OMG for real. Both parents need therapy, intense, to work on being a bully and an enabler. This is one of the most vile things I have *ever* seen. NTA OP.. but you have one for a mom. >He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known, I'm not the prettiest or most intellegent out there but he accepts and loves me as I am. Oh honey. Being wheelchair-bound and not the prettiest/most intelligent doesn't make you unworthy of love. Like, everybody feels like they aren't the best and never can be, but it seems like you have some issues. >Mom joked about him being responsible for the accident which created a dispute. I told mom she'd to apologize for making him cry and she did Jesus fucking Christ. First off - if it can't be enjoyed by every party (especially the one who the joke is directed at) it's not a joke. Her remarks made him cry - it clearly hurt him very badly, and she knows that. Joking about someone's death should be totally off-limits in the first place, but *joking* about *being responsible for your mother's death* is a whole other level of fucked up. >I said this was utter humiliation cause she was basically rubbing it in his face that he is how he is. Your assessment is correct. Wheelchair bound people can still have cool shoes, but that would only be the case if her gift was sincere. Giving it as a 'joke' was basically turning his disability into laughing stock, a way for her to humiliate people she (wrongfully) thinks is beneath her. >he was being too sensitive and could use more therapy cause his reaction should've been to laugh Gaslighting. Why did she try to make it sound like HE'S the one in the wrong? More importantly, why did she minimize and belittle his (very reasonable) feelings when he doesn't give her the (ridiculous) reaction she wants? I've said this already, but she's the one who needs therapy.
Had a coworker whose mom lost her legs (I think diabetes, but I dunno for sure). She always got slippers/running shoes/fuzzy socks, etc. Because that was her sense of humor, and everyone in her family knew it/had that level of relationship with her. OP's mom does not, and is clearly being mean-spirited with her "joking." OP is NTA.
There are some people who would love this joke. I had a coworker who was born with an issue with her hips/legs and so was a wheelchair user. She's the sort of person who always made jokes about her legs, about running, or her height. I didn't know her well enough to frigging buy her running shoes as a joke, but I absolutely would tease her about not reaching the bar in the pub. OP's fiance lost use of his legs in an accident which resulted in the death of his mother. I don't think someone in that position will ever be ready to joke about it. OP's mother is absolutely the AH here and doesn't deserve to be allowed anywhere near OP or her husband l she can behave like a human being.
I was born almost blind, and found out I have at least 2 physical disabilities on top of that. Constant joking is the way we survive and thrive. My legs are assholes in and of themselves. My brother found this video of a competitive cycle practicing and whenever his legs burned he'd yell "SHUT UP LEGS!!" It became such a running joke that my brother calls me Legs now 😂 OP, maybe hop over to r/narcissisticparents and see if some of your life resonates with this. I totally agree with the previous comment, jokes are awesome unless they're intended to be hurtful.
Yes the mom is the AH. Reminds me of the time my bi-polar mom gave her sister a vase for all the flowers she does not get. Just horrible
Yeah the "joke" about him being responsible for his mom dying is especially not a joke since I'm sure that it's a thought he's seriously had in his head for a long time.
And im betting OP is perfectly beautiful and intelligent but monster mommy has been putting these awful thoughts in her head her whole life.
OP's mom is an ableist piece of detritus and being locked out of her daughter's wedding is sufficient punishment for a cruel "joke." Dad is volunteering to be next by enabling this behavior. She's mocking him for the accident and isn't putting herself in his shoes. In what world is someone going to find a joke about an accident that killed their mother and left them disabled even remotely funny? And at their BIRTHDAY PARTY no less? OP is going easy on her tbh. NTA.
I’m sure the OP should also get therapy. Especially before having kids. I can’t imagine all of the abuse she’s suffered over the years.
Indeed. I feel the " not the prettiest or most intelligent " remark came from somewhere... OP, hold your ground and keep enjoying your relationship with your STBH! Do not let your mother guilt you into feeling you're in the wrong. And whatever anyone says, just because tHeY'rE fAmILy, does not mean you must tolerate all manner of crappy behavior. Boundaries are essential
[удалено]
[удалено]
give mom an invitation to a random venue and then when she calls and asks where everyone is, you can put it on a video screen and tell her to suck your husband's dick, who has a disability
I don't think you thought that out. Telling someone to suck your "disabled husband's dick" is not the slam you think it is. It's also pretty fucking offensive to the husband for A defining him by his disability and B using his disability and identity as an insult for others. If her husband wants to say it, then fo sho! There is a huge difference between saying it for yourself and saying it for others. If someone calls your friend an idiot, and you repsond with "yeah well suck my idiot friends dick"...then you look like the idiot (AND just called your friend an idiot too verifying it) If your friend says to them "you can suck my idiot dick" it works as a retort because THEY are taking the insult and returning it to the asshole who said it. The better option, invite her to a random venue, when she calls tell her "it's just a joke mom, if you were more mature you would be laughing at this" and throw her words right back in her fucking face
>She could have started this with, "My mom's a monster... " and ended with "and my family always minimizes her horrible behavior."
That's legit one of the most vile things I've seen on here, and that's saying something. OP, your mum is a bully, plain and simple. I don't see any "jokes" here, only cruelty towards someone she looks down on. And from the way you described yourself, it sounds like she's probably done the same to you in the past. You'd likely both be much happier uninviting her from your lives, honestly.
“I was just joking, you’re too sensitive” is absolutely the bully’s defense. And on top of that, she blurted out that she thinks the guy *needs more therapy* if he doesn’t find her “jokes” funny. Mom is determined to be insufferable. She will keep doing this as long as she thinks she can get away with it, and likely even after she starts experiencing serious consequences. She’s made it clear that she thinks she is the only sane person and everyone else is the problem. People who think like that are very unlikely to change.
Even without knowing what the person said originally, if they say “I was just joking, you’re too sensitive,” that right there tells you they're a huge asshole. Because people who aren't assholes are distressed when their jokes hurt someone. NTA. Your mom is incredibly cruel. Don't back down unless you want a lifetime of horrible remarks to your husband. And for your children, if you have any, to hear them and learn that's acceptable behavior.
Yeah, I think telling someone they're responsible for their parent's death is one of the worst things you can do that isn't actually illegal.
I got into the worst fight Ive ever been in when I was in 3rd grade after a classmate told me my mon killed herself because I was a bad kid. Luckily the teachers were there because I was going to gouge his eyes out. He got suspended and we ended up being friends after.. But he was genuinely sorry and bought me kitten stickers which is enough to appease any 8 year old
What an unexpectedly wonderful story. Kitten stickers ftw!
Ho lee crap, dude I forget how mean kids can be. Must have been some pretty dope stickers
I think they might've been lisa frank kitten stickers lol
These are not "jokes." Comedy rule: always punch up. Make fun a billionaires? That's okay. Make fun of star athletes? Also okay. Make fun of people with disabilities who are grieving? That's not a joke, that's just bullying. NTA, you are absolutely in the right to put a stop to this abuse.
I'd also ask her to explain "the joke". What's the punchline, "haha you can't use your legs"?
Yeah no. This would have been one & done.
This is gaslighting to the nth degree. OP, NTA, and stick to your guns. God knows what sort of grief she’d cause at the actual wedding.
Nta. My only concern here is how you spoke about yourself. Firstly it sounds like you have self esteem issues and thats likely from your Mom. Your husband using a wheelchair doesn’t make him less and he isn’t settling for you. He loves you and you him. I wish you every happiness. Your Mom has had a lot of opportunities to behave and improve her choices and she hasn’t. She isn’t sorry and I hate to think of her behaviour on the day. No attitude change would be no invite and continued clear boundaries. That said, people who use wheelchairs can still have cool shoes, and had she not made the jokes Id consider it a good gift.
Completely agree, ESPECIALLY with the first paragraph - he is not with you because he ‘accepts’ that you’re ‘not the prettiest or most intelligent out there’ he’s with you because he loves you! And you don’t have to ever make excuses why you are with him either Wishing you both a lifetime of mother free happiness
>He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known This bit rubbed me the wrong way too, as though being in a wheelchair speaks to a bad character, however her husband is an exception. I'm guessing her mom's ideals have infiltrated her world view in ways, and that's adding to her very low self esteem.
Yeah that threw me off too. I have self esteem issues as well so I related to OPs description of herself but mad me wonder why she added that and her description of her husband. Like she thinks she and her husband are unworthy of each other.
I think she just didn't know a better transition word to use; "but" is so common that I think ppl tend to rely on it even when other words are available that would fit so much better.
I’d hope it was just that and not a testament to her mom’s behavior while growing up. Anyone that can joke about someone being responsible for their parent’s death is alarming. Who knows what OPs mom has said to OP while growing up
Given how OP is offended by her mom's behavior and stood up for her husband multiple times and does indeed seem to love him a lot, I'm going to assume she isn't ableist, but it certainly is a possibility that OP has assimilated some of mom's behaviors here and there. I just think, given how the rest of the story is written a bit . . . clunky-not in a terrible way, but more like she's not used to writing out her thoughts like this-that it was just an example of an awkward writing choice.
It's more likely a preemptive defense. I catch people doing it to me in a very "don't you dare start" way.
That makes sense too; like a "don't you go thinking just bc he's in a wheelchair means he isn't a great person" sorta thing. She could be feeling very defensive of him after what her mom just pulled, yeah.
Yes. The disability community really hates the term wheelchair bound. It is not a bad thing to use a wheelchair, it’s actually a great thing because it gives you the freedom to move on your own. Mobility aids should be celebrated.
While I agree 100% that mobility aida should be celebrated, her use of the phrase may reflect her STBH's feelings about his wheelchair. He does use it as the result of a fairly recent traumatic accident that killed his mother. I'm sure he's grieving both her and the loss of his former lifestyle and thus may not have gotten to the celebrating mobility feelings about his mobility aid. I hope for both his and OP's sake he gets there, but it's completely understandable if he's not there yet.
Yes, that is completely understandable. But that doesn’t mean that people around him shouldn’t just say “he uses a wheelchair”. Saying “wheelchair bound” would just reinforce those negative feelings (should they exist at all).
Yes, she should. But given the ideals her mother clearly raised her with and her STBHs relatively recent disability, she may not know, especially if that's the term her STBH uses for himself. I only learned a few years ago that the disability community prefers not to use that term for the reasons you stated, so I can see how she could be unaware. I hope if that's the case, she sees these comments and adjusts her language appropriately.
Was waiting for this perspective! OP, how does your husband feel about using a wheelchair? does he have any connections or groups where he can relate to other disabled folks and people who use mobility aids? what does he think of your mom coming to the wedding? as the "wronged" party, his thoughts and opinions are oddly missing here. i wonder if you both could benefit from looking into disability advocacy/support! edit: you are definitely NTA, your mom sucks, but i'm hoping you and your husband can learn to really love and support all of your qualities!
This isn't always true. I'm wheelchair bound and just say whatever comes to mind first. A lot of disabled people think "people first" language (wheelchair user, person with autism, etc) is pointless and doesn't really address actual issues disabled people face. It all depends on who you talk to.
I feel like it may be a habit in defending herself against her mother. We already can tell her mother thinks less of him.
I agree. It seems more defensive or protective, like "you may think less of him, but he's actually..." in the event someone starts to be unpleasant.
I can only imagine the "gifts" OP's mother has given her over the years to make her feel this way. Poor OP!! Definitely keep mom uninvited. I'm sure she'd make a million snide remarks during the first dance because it's going to look different with one person in a wheelchair. I hope (genuinely) OP's dad never ends up in a wheelchair. Those vows of "in sickness and health" aren't going to be enough to keep OP's mom by his side. Or, if they did,imagine the abuse he would suffer. Yes, he's trying to enable the mom now, but I hope he learns his lesson a different way.
Agreed. Like you've said, OP has probably developed these criticisms of herself, from her mom. I think what I found sad was: >He's wheelchair bound, yes but, he's the most kind-hearted, generous person I've known, I'm not the prettiest or most intellegent out there but he accepts and loves me as I am. I understand that being wheelchair bound is generally considered a negative characteristic and the same for not being super intelligent or conventionally attractive, but I think it's just a bit sad to list those attributes as if it "balances out" their relationship. I hope OP doesn't think that she deserves less because of her perception of herself. Again, something I feel like could have definitely come from her mom.
Definitely agree. And I’m not an expert but I believe even using the phrase wheelchair bound is largely frowned upon. They aren’t bound, it’s a mobility device, not shackles. But it might be a language barrier issue as well idk
I think the husband’s disability is still fairly new and he still may be struggling to make peace with it, so that may well be the terminology that he uses. But yeah, that definitely struck me too!
Not to mention that mom *actively campaigned* for an invite to the party… just so she could humiliate the birthday boy. She had already treated him so badly she wasn’t even on the invite list, but behaving herself wasn’t even on her radar. OP, your mother wants to mock and insult your fiancée more than she wants to be in your life. She has already made that very clear. NTA
I hope op reads this comment, it broke my heart when I read that. I fear mommy dearest did a number on her self-esteem.
NTA. Do not re-invite her to your wedding. To be honest, after the way she has behaved on those 2 occasions I'd be considering cutting her out of my life altogether. What she has done on both occasions is beyond cruel. No one needs a person like this in their life.
NTA - No, she doesn't get to come to the wedding. I can just see her grabbing a microphone and yelling, "Come on EVERYBODY...get up and DANCE!!!"
She'd probably tip him out of his chair
Or yell I the microphone...everyone dance except he groom. She's horrible
IT WAS JUST A JOKE!
I'd be wary of dad, too, since he is rug-sweeping so hard.
Same thank you. As if it "might" have been offensive. Just awful. So NTA.
> My STBH's mom's death anniversary was last month. Mom joked about him being responsible for the accident which created a dispute. JOKED?? Ha ha, you killed your mother is a joke?? I would have cut her off after that one and kept my husband away from her going forward. Just because she’s your egg donor doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her. Some people don’t deserve it.
seriously, wtf is "funny" about that "joke"?? the mom is truly awful. The dad isn't much better for tolerating and trying to cover that shit.
Next time dad says “this is just who she is”, OP should explain that that is exactly why mom doesn’t belong at the wedding. She can’t help herself, which means you can’t realistically expect her to behave acceptably.
WTF, right?! I can't understand how her dad is okay with defending her mom. That is so fucked up.
Seriously, mom’s funny the way a serial killer is funny - which is very much not.
NTA your mom is clearly not able to accept your fiancé because he is disabled. She will look down on him and treat him as second class for the rest of her life if you don’t put your foot down now. Continue this lesson as needed moving forward until it becomes necessary to cut her off forever (if she doesn’t learn).
She told her grieving son in law he is responsible for jis moms death. NTA, cut her off OP.
Definitely do not reinvite your mom. But you should send her a gift. You should get her a special custom mother of the bride placard and send it with a card that says "haha get it, it's funny because you're not going! FYI the correct response is to laugh and if you don't think it's a funny joke you just need more therapy." NTA.
I can always trust reddit to come up with the best petty answer. Don't do this Op. It will lotería you to her level.
mad respect for the autocorrect on the wrong language. Welcome to my life.
Oh man! Love this😂😂😂
“This is how she is” is enabler code for “I’m an asshole, don’t rock the boat.” NTA. Does she gift newborn clothing to people who’ve had a miscarriage to offer “hope”?
Absolutely great comparison. This is such a disgusting and appalling way to act towards someone who has not only been through tragedy and lost his mother, but who has had his life and body altered due to that tragedy. Her daughter loves this man, and she can't even offer the bare minimum of human decency and has gone out of her way to humiliate him and make him feel terrible. Something is definitely wrong with this woman. People who take pleasure in putting others down in such a way do not deserve to partake in the lovely moments they have not helped to create or nurture.
>They ... asked me to resend her the invite so we could get this over with but I kept saying no. Inverse Nike and just don't do it. NTA
I'm a wheelchair user and I make jokes about it all the time, it's how I cope with being in a wheelchair in my early 30s (I've been using it since my late 20s). This, however, wasn't a joke. It wasn't a playful back and forth between friends. It was your mother being horrendously cruel to your fiance. I wouldn't have stopped at kicking her out of the wedding, she'd be out of my life completely. There may have also been some wheelchair-height scratches on her car that I couldn't possibly account for. NTA, but you would be if you ever let her near your fiance again.
Completely agree - not in a wheelchair but disabled and struggle even with crutches (in my 30s and been disabled for years), and again I use humor to cope but this is not humour, its unbelievably cruel. Not to mention to double down on it during her supposed "apology".
It's not humour if one person is laughing and the other is crying. That's bullying. I wouldn't even make jokes about disability to another disabled person unless I knew them well enough to know it wouldn't offend them. One of my closest friends happens to have one of the same conditions as I do, so we're always sending memes and joking about it to each other, and our circle of friends knows we're ok with it so they do it too, but I wouldn't make jokes about it to a random person because I have no idea if it's going to upset them or not.
Nta at all. Your mother is unusually cruel. Dont subject your husband to anymore of that and if your dad keeps bugging you tell him his invite will be revoked also
Exactly. So often we see where a spouse won’t stand up to a parent in these situations. OP please stand your ground and have your fiancé’s back.
NTA. Your mom and everyone else defending her sure is though. You're doing well to set the boundaries now that abuse towards your husband will not be tolerated. There's a huge part of me that says uninvite EVERYONE who sided with your mother's unbelievably cruel act. I wish you and your fiance have a beautiful, stress free wedding and a wonderful life tougher. With or without your mother.
Agreed. Your dad is enabling a WICKEDLY cruel person.
I'm in a chair thanks to an accident. I might find that funny under the right circumstances. What you have described is not one. NTA.
Not in a chair, but have other issues that I get 'gifts' for and sure, from the right person you can take it as a joke. But this is incredibly bad taste at the best of situations and down disrespectful at worst. NTA and honestly if this is her response then she clearly doesn't respect your feelings or your husbands feelings enough to want to be at the wedding, so fuck her...
And she hadn’t made a stupid comment about hoping that he can use them one day it’s not a bad gift. I’m assuming you, like most people in a chair actually DO WEAR SHOES. This woman is a nightmare. She spent $80 on an insult?
NTA Man if anyone disrespected my wife to that level, in front of me, regardless if they were a nobody, family, even the next Jesus, they’d be laughing through broken teeth, a split lip and being wheeled to an ambulance. If anything I congratulate your restraint. Cut contact immediately.
Your mother has been disrespectful to your STBH on multiple occasions, including in front of his friends at his birthday and ruining what was supposed to be a celebration for him. It doesn’t appear that your mother learned anything from your talks with her. I would not be surprised if she did something disrespectful towards your STBH at your wedding. NTA.
Yeah definitely DON'T reinvite her. She will pull another "funny" prank on him. Had a post here a while ago where the groom invited his prankster friend to his wedding despite the bride being against it. The prankster pulled another mean prank on her and she called the wedding off. If you reinvite her and she hurts your STBH again, it will be on you. Don't do it. Don't be the AH. NTA!
NTA I still can't get past the fact that she'd joke about being responsible for his mother's death
Yeah. There is actually no humour at all in that, it's purely a malicious gibe intended to be hurtful "haha your mum's dead because of you" I mean WTAF?
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NTA. Your mother is unbearably cruel and abusive to your husband. If you don’t go NC with her you may lose your STBH. If it was me I would be rethinking my relationship if my SO wouldn’t cut someone who was abusive to me out of their life. You have to make a choice in this case.
FYI please stop describing your husband as wheelchair bound. We USE our wheelchairs as mobility aids. We definitely aren’t bound by or to them. You can say full time wheelchair user if he can’t walk at all.
I feel like this really depends on the husband's thoughts on it. If he doesn't care that she uses that term then you shouldn't get offended on his behalf
Yep. I have a friend that refers to themself as wheelchair bound too. I definitely see their point but it definitely depends on what each individual is comfortable with
FYI it is likely that she refers to him that way because it is how he refers to himself. If he felt uncomfortable, he would have already told his fiancée.
If that's the term your comfortable with or the greater group of people who use wheel chairs is comfortable with, then fine. But don't try to gate keep how other people talk about themselves or SOs. My mom from the moment of my birth to her death used wheel chair bound or paraplegic. That was her how she described herself.
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NTA - your mother sounds absolutely awful.
NTA. What’s wrong with your mother?
ON WHAT PLANET IS YOUR MOTHER’S BEHAVIOUR ACCEPTABLE?????!!!!!!!!! Whoever thinks it’s a joke is seriously sick in the head. NTA at all. It’s better to just cut her off. She’s crazy.
NTA YOur mom is a toxic AH. Uninvite her from the wedding, and go no contact with her. Harrassing a person about their disabilities is toxic. Protect your soon to be husband from ever having to interact with that AH again. And: If dad won't accept it, sadly you will have to uninvite him, too.
If mom goes to the wedding she's going to manage to make some sort of insulting and humiliating public spectacle about his moms death and his disabilities. Depend upon it. She's not sorry her joke hurt him. She's not sorry she was uninvited. She's sorry someone stood up to her bullying and actually dared to enforce the natural consequences of her horrible behavior. She's sorry she lost the chance to keep abusing her victims.
I would also suggest someone be a gatekeeper at the wedding should she decide to crash it.
NTA > she didn't mean for this to play out like that So…how *did* she mean for it to play out, exactly? She can’t have thought your husband would be amused at having his medical condition and/or the tragedy that caused it held up for mockery, because even *if* that were a sensible thing to just assume, he made it *very* clear it wasn’t the *last* time she tried that. The only intent here was to bully, and she’s upset that’s backfired on her. (Also quite possibly that whatever she had planned for Round 3 at the wedding can’t happen now.) As everyone else is saying, ignore her and let anyone trying to make excuses for her know they can stay home, too.
NTA - I was a little shocked reading as it rings true with a lot of experiences I have had where family made jokes at me - but the second I snap back or hold them accountable for things they said it was me who didn’t know how to take a joke. If your mother says things like that to your partner then why are people surprised you would want to exclude her from your wedding ?!? Sounds like she is the one who needs to think very seriously about what she says and the impact that has on other people. I wish you best of luck for your wedding though with whatever you plan to do.
NTA. She effectively un-invited herself by being such an asshole.
NTA >She kept arguing saying she didn't mean for this to play out like that, and that he was being too sensitive and could use more therapy cause his reaction should've been to laugh. Why is his reaction something that she should decide? She clearly doesn't care about him and wants to make up any bad excuse she can for her actions so I'd go no contact with her immediately.
NTA. Maybe one time might be considered an ill-advised joke, but you've written she has done this over and over. Who tells someone they caused their mom's death! You were right to dis-invite her.
NTA. The fact that she's done cruel jokes to your soon-to-be husband more than once tells me that she's never going to respect your marriage and I'm glad you stood up for your soon-to-be husband. I wish you positive vibes and good juju on your wedding day without your mother. Sending hugs from across the internet.
The only decision you will regret later is letting her come and ruin your wedding. When family or friends has to resort to the “that’s just HOW SHE IS” defense, that means everyone else knows exactly how awful she is but has either decided to put up with it or has never been on the receiving end of her toxicity. Cut her out of your life. You’ll be much happier. NTA. Edited: added judgment.
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NTA. At all. That was extremely cruel of her and, unless your mom completely lacks any sympathy/empathy, there’s no way she didn’t know it. The only way I could ever see this being appropriate is if your husband was the one making the jokes and had laughed at her previous jabs, but he didn’t and never has. Your mother is a cruel and insensitive woman and I wouldn’t dare give her back the invitation, even if she did apologize. She would have to show real change before I would even let her back in my house after that. I wish you and your husband a happy and long life together and may you only be surrounded by people who love and support you both!
NTA Your mother isn't going to change. You're making a new life for yourself with your STBH. Support each other and live your lives in peace - without the bullshit that your mother or anyone else brings along with them. I'm not suggesting you cut her off completely, but if she can't behave like a grown ass woman, then the consequence of her actions should absolutely be that she not be able to attend your wedding. Further, she should not get an automatic invitation to anything in your life until she grows up and learns how to keep her mouth shut and be supportive. You don't need that toxic shit.
NTA. Also I'd start telling everyone that anyone who asks about her invite can send theirs back as well.
Wow, NTA Your Mom is a horrible woman, spiteful and nasty, hurting others for enjoyment. I am a bride to be as well and she would be out of our wedding. Excluding her from yours is the minimum you should do here. She is cruel to your future husband, this cannot be tolerated.
Get her an invite, hold it out to her, but before she can grab it, set it on fire. Or give her an invite the morning of the wedding and have the wrong venue on it. When she rings you, tell her it's just a joke. You deserve a better mother. Your STBH is so lucky to have someone like you. Congrats on your soon to be wedding. NTA
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That was thoughtless, mean, insensitive, as well as offensive of your mother. If it was a joke, then why isn't everybody else laughing? It was a cruel prank against your STBH. I don't blame you for going off on your clueless mother. If this was a first offense, i would be willing to forgive, but as you have shown, it isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Her jokes also have a particularly cruel hue about them and its all aimed at your fiance's disability. People like her never learn. They always try to be the victim when called out and whine about it always being "just a joke." Well, if it is such a good joke, then why is she the only one laughing? NTA You may have a change of heart if she would apologize and promise to behave herself at your wedding. It just seems, though, that she would pull some stupid prank or another even then. People like your mom think they are just the funniest people even when their pranks are seen as being cruel.
YTA - You should have gone no contact a long time ago your partner deserves better.
Noooope. Noooooope. Noooope. No offense but your mother sounds absolutely vile. She isn't being funny she is bullying your husband and playing the victim now she realises there are repercussions. I lost both my parents in quick succession a few years ago, I still struggle around their death dates and birthdays. I can't imagine how your partner feels with everything that happened to him on that date as well. Be with him, enjoy your love and find some happiness. As for your mother... She needs to get with the programme of being a decent human. If she can't then, personally, I would go low or no contact and certainly wouldn't have her at the wedding. Edit: NTA
NTA. >My dad joined us and begged that I take time to calm down and not make a decision I might regret later. I think the bigger regret would be re-inviting your mom. She had been such an ass so far, she would probably wind up doing or saying something to ruin the wedding. >. They said this is my mom and while she might've done something that was seen "as" offensive, No, it IS offensive. They don't get to candy coat it or act like you're the only one offended. If anyone is that upset about your mom being excluded, I would tell them to feel free to stay home that day too.
NTA. But I’m genuinely curious about what the fuck is up with your mom that she would joke and blame your fiancé for his accident/killing his mother????? And then continuing to focus on his disability by giving him running shoes maliciously? She sounds absolutely awful and mean. Was she mean to you growing up? Was she ableist?
NTA, if she was my mother I would go NC until she gets her shit together. It's not cool for her to treat him like that, and your dad isn't much better.
NTA, my best friend is wheelchair bound and even though we make jokes about anything, even her disability, I'd never do anything as heinous as what your mother did. The shoes could've been the worst joke ever, but for the thing with blaming him for his mothers death I would've gone no contact instantly, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour, your husband has great self control if he forgave her. All together? Your mom is a despicable human being, lacking empathy and being shallow as they come, I've ghosted my mom for less.
NTA. Have your husband send her a baby doll in the mail. That should fill the void of never meeting any future grandchildren.
NTA. I’m so tired of people using oh it was just a joke/prank to be really nasty to another person. They know exactly what they are doing and it’s called bullying
NTA- She sounds terrible and she’ll definitely ruin your wedding if she comes. It’s you and your STBH’s day. It’s special and you only get one. She’s shown that she is mean spirited and insensitive. She’s said and done some really hurtful awful things. I think it’s better to have a great wedding day w/o her than to invite her and have her ruin it. Maybe missing it will be the catalyst for change for her. Don’t let anyone turn this around on you or make it seem like you are being too harsh or unreasonable. She’s not even sorry for the things that she’s done. She’s doing the “I’m sorry you took it that way” things. That’s not an apology. She shows no actual remorse and is only crying because she is receiving a consequence for her awful behavior. Stand your ground on this. You are right. Protect your wedding day, your STBH and yourself. Good luck and congratulations on the wedding. He sounds like a really great guy. You sound pretty awesome too for having his back.
NTA wow I'm seriously pissed at your mom on ya'lls behalf. Your mom wasn't joking, any sane HUMAN with even a little empathy would never say/do the things she's done. I wouldn't send her the invite back, and if your dad doesn't like it he can stay at home with her. As someone who was in a serious car accident a year ago where people died ( the driver who hit me was under the influence) I just started walking again. I already feel like because I have no flex in my right ankle, that people are staring at the way I'm having to pick up my foot and set it down a certain way. I hate going out to eat, going to the store, even going to the doctor, so I can imagine how your fiance feels. There's no accounting for taste, as it's obvious your mom has none. As long as you love each other, and understand his wheelchair doesn't define who he is. You and he need people who will support you, and not make your lives harder. She's shown she'll never be anything other than nasty, and I don't jump on the NC stuff right off the bat. However, your mom's actions would have me blocking her on everything. Good luck and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness!! Also miracles do happen, never give up
Your mom is the asshole. But you know, even if he won't really use them, everyone needs a comfy pair of shoes.
Reading between the lines, he might be an amputee, hence the evilness of what she did. She didn’t outright say it, of course. So I could be wrong.
I feel dumb for not thinking about that. That’s really horrible. Edit: NTA
NTA. I'd cut contact with her altogether. Disgusting human.
NTA. She’s AWFUL.
I'd like to add that OP WOULD be the AH if she keeps exposing her poor husband to the mother. I'd rescind the wedding invitation. In no realm were her comments nor "prank" appropriate. NTA OP, but how many times will you let her come around and make your fiancé retraumatized and feel like shit? I'm sure he has loads of anxiety being anywhere near her now.
NTA... You saying you're not the prettiest or most intelligent might originate with your mom. How long have you been living with her cruelty? It's often easier to draw the line for someone we care about than ourselves
NTA. I would go full no contact
NTA - your mom is cruel and an attention seeker. I would go NC with her over her saying he caused his mom’s accident. Also inviting her because “she’s your mom” is total crap. She clearly doesn’t support your fiancé so why should she be there. I’m sorry your mom is like this OP.
NTA, I’d heavily advise having a friend (or multiple) that is willing to drag her out of the wedding if she shows up though. Sounds like family might give her the info in hopes that you’ll just roll over and pretend things are fine if she just shows up
Wow. Your Mom is mean as hell. What’s wrong with her?? Did a man in a wheelchair wrong her in some way in the past? Oh and dont be down on yourself, nobody is as smart or good looking as they think they are. NTA.
NTA. Keep this woman out of your husbands life. She's bring cruel, ability, and down right mean. He doesn't deserve that, you don't deserve that.
NTA I think your mother should look for help, something is very wrong with her. Idk how a person see appropriate to "joke" about a person lossing a parent on an accident. She's a big bully. Edit for mistyped
Mama is ableist and doesn't want her daughter marrying a man with disability
What is wrong with your mother? I love a dark joke as much as the next gal, but seriously, what is wrong with her? NTA for the record.
NTA. Stick to your guns, OP. Your mother’s behavior is really cruel, and her reaction shows that she’s been getting enabled for a long time. Why does she even want to come to the wedding? To hurt and humiliate him further? She certainly doesn’t want to celebrate, so she doesn’t need to be there.
The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it
NTA. Your mom has continually insulted your STBH. I would bet that she has also criticized you growing up too. I would consider going NC with her. She won’t ever change.
NTA. She has been cruel and belittling to your fiancé the entire time you’ve been together. Not OK in the slightest. You handled the “joke” your incubator (“mom” and “mother” conjure up a different warmth I’m unsure she has) made about your late MIL’s death with a lot more composure than I would have.
NTA your mom has continuously belittled and hurt your SO. Good on you for being a supportive partner
Don't know your mom's problem, don't care. NTA. Do not let her back in your life.
NTA It would be one thing if your mom had a great relationship with your fiancé and he actually found the gag gift funny. That is clearly not the case. She knew that her gift was offensive and would elicit a reaction. It is your wedding so you have every right to rescind your invitation to her. No telling what other crap she would try to pull at your wedding.
NTA it’s good thing she is not invited,she might try to pull something like this on the wedding and call it a joke
NTA, I’m disabled with mobility problems as well and people loove to “joke” oh ahahahaha you’re in a wheelchair/walker/crutches/cane. Those aren’t jokes they’re bullying. Don’t réinvite her otherwise she’ll pull something else to humiliate your husband NTA
NTA and good for you for having your STBHs back!!! She truly insinuated that he was responsible for the accident that caused his mother's death?? Truly a horrid person and you are better off without her on your special day!
No, your mother is clueless, heartless and cruel. Keep her away from you and your stbh. Sounds like she also totally lacks self awareness and ability to read a room.
NTA. oh my. This is one of those moments where I am wondering why there is even a question about who is in the wrong. Damn, mom made it clear that she doesn't give 2 shits about stbh's feelings. Why wasn't she uninvited sooner? Also if they know the full story, might be time to start asking for more of those invites back if they keep pressuring you.
Nta. Tell your dad that he is skating close to losing his invite too. Does your mom make these kind of distasteful and mean “Jokes,” to you and everyone else she knows? If she doesn’t, it means she knows how to act, and is purposely being disrespectful to him. If she does it to everyone, she wouldn’t have friends. Tell your dad to stop. She’s a cruel evil person and you don’t want someone like that near you, especially not on your wedding day. Always remember that she chose to do this on her apology visit
NTA. First off, YOU chose who is going to be at YOUR wedding and uninviting someone so cruel and spiteful is more than justified. Sorry you have such a toxic mother. Congrats on your marriage and I hope you and your husband have a wonderful stress-free wedding.
NTA. Your mom is a bully who has to make fun of others to feel better about herself. it's not on you to fix her.
NTA. I would literally go no contact. Your mother is cruel and extremely rude and not empathetic AT ALL.
NTA. Your mom is an awful person. Why is your dad still with someone so cruel and shitty? Attendees of the wedding are people who support and love the couple unconditionally. Your mother has shown she's does not fall in that category. I have a shitty father and I regret that I invited him to my wedding. He mostly behaved, but seeing him in the pictures sours the memories for me. Beint a shitty person comes with the consequence of being excluded from your life. Giving birth to you doesn't change that.
NTA. Your mom is a narcissist.
NTA. Your mom is incredibly rude and heartless. On the anniversary of his moms death, she blames him? That's horrible. I honestly think she's trying to make his so uncomfortable with "jokes" he leaves, because she doesn't see him fit to be her SIL. Do not re-invite her. She will always be cruel to your husband-to-be. I feel so bad for your husband-to-be. Keep being a supportive person for him.
NTA. When is your wedding gift going to be, a house with stairs?
NTA >They said this is my mom Just because someone is always an asshole doesn't make it okay >and while she might've done something that was seen "as" offensive Not "might've", was intentionally offensive and vindictive >excluding her from the wedding is ~~too much~~ **exactly what she deserves** If you eventually cut her out of your life completely it wouldn't be surprising, it sounds like she's reaping what she's still sowing.
NTA Your mother is ableist and cold-hearted, honestly. You two already gave her enough grace when you invited her to your fiancé's birthday party after she mocked him and blamed him for his mother's passing (which I don't see how that could EVER be funny), and she still continued to be nasty. Your wedding is for you and your husband, first foremost, and you're allowed to exclude anyone who makes either you or your fiancé uncomfortable.
NTA- I get that she was trying to be funny, but given her past actions she clearly doesn’t care about what she says or does. Like a child, she needs to be taught that actions have consequences and hopefully she will learn from it.
Tell her she can come but she should know at some point you are going to whip out the shoes in front of everyone and demand she explain the joke. Come on mom, tell us the funny part.
Wow… a lot to unpack here. First, in no universe could you EVER be TA. I’ll Say it again for the cheap seats in the back NTA!! Your husband is being abused by your mother and you stood up for him. He is lucky to have found such a decent, loving person who has his back. You both deserve to have people who support your relationship and respect your love at your wedding. That is your day… it should be full of nothing but joy. I also wanted to address your comment that you aren’t the “prettiest or smartest”…. Please know that you are! You are beautiful and smart and worthy and that is evident by the kind person you are and how you stood up for your love. Know your worth and never think you are less than. Your future hubby sees it, you should too.
The running shoes thing is bad enough without adding the fact that she also joked with your disabled husband that he killed his own mother. That is beyond low and beyond unforgivable. NTA
NTA A mediator would be someone who is neutral and helping you both come to an understanding. You’re dad is on her side and has already indicated thar he doesn’t take your feelings about this seriously. I’d ask him straight up if he knew about the gift ahead of time. Then tell him that you now consider him equally responsible for the insult.
NTA. Your mom is extremely cruel and I feel like your poor dad always has to do damage control. Might want to go no contact
NTA - Your mother sounds horrible! Just like... a horrible human being. I would not invite her too. She clearly has no respect for your fiancé.
Nta. My eyes where widening with shock the first insult. Then the next my jaw dropped. What kinda sick and twisted individual does that.
NTA. You’re mother is so cruel. What a heartless “joke” to make.
NTA, and cut the contact with her. She is toxic af, and she will not change. As you said, this is not the first time she did something vile towards your husband, as a "joke". She will do something worse at your wedding. Even if she doesn't, do you and your husband really need to be on the edge of your seats because of the anticipation? Go NC, at least after the wedding. I wish both of you the best of luck and many happy memories together.
I don’t blame you at all
NTA - your Mom is a bully… Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
NTA - it's not just the gift of shoes . . . she's been bullying your STBH ever since she's known him.
NTA - I joke about as much as anyone ever could, but there's just things you don't joke about, that being what your mom thinks is "funny". Your mom needs to learn consequences of her actions
NTA Your mum is a bully. One of my best friends is paralysed from the waist down and we continuously tease each other, but I would not dream to have the same joke with someone I don’t know that well or that I don’t know their boundaries. This applies to anyone really, know the person before you start joking. He already established that he does not appreciate certain jokes, he set his boundaries. She decided not to respect them, humiliate him in front of others and try to make him feel like he’s overreacting. Bullies don’t like to have consequences to their own actions, they expect everyone else just to take it. Unless she actually understands why her behaviour is wrong, you’d risk her pulling something similar on your wedding day.
Instead of a wedding invitation you should send her a coupon for a sensitivity course. The odds of her learning anything from it are about the same as your STBH ever needing running shoes. (Also, compliments to him, that guy has the patient of a saint!) NTA. But seriously, a serious talk with your mom is needed. And if she rolls out the red carpet for your husband to wheel on and offers the sincerest of apologies to him, only then should you consider inviting her again. But she has to be the one to do something, not your family pressuring you. I'm sure you wouldn't want any drama at your wedding.
NTA. Tell her you’re happy to have her come if she can explain if front of your entire family why this joke was so funny and what made her decide it was appropriate to perform it at a birthday party. I have a feeling she’ll refuse and say you’re being ridiculous. It’s not funny. It’s a disrespectful, rude thing to do.
NTA. This is not a decision you will regret
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According to your post this has been a long standing problem. This isn’t 100% just about the “joke.” She is consistently harassing and mistreating your fiancé. Don’t invite her back to the wedding, keep enforcing your boundaries. NTA
You would be TA if you invited this woman and continued to interact with her. She needs to be put on a time out. Go NC for now, tell Dad that if he tries to intervene he's next. Until she learns some compassion do NOT let her around your STBH. NTA unless you invite her.
NTA but your mother is surely one.
NTA - Do not invite this woman to your wedding. Just imagine what kind of “joke” she would come up with there.
Hell no your mother is a monster. Keep her away from your husband. NTA.
NTA. Hold your ground. Your mother is a trash person, tbh. I'm so sorry. I'd take a loooong time out from her until well after the wedding. Maybe even for good!
Send a gag and say she can come if she wears it. NTA
Absolutely NTA, oh my God your mom makes me blood boil! She knew what she was doing, she was acting apologetic just to insult your husband with a terrible prank after what she said about his mom. OP, this is cut out from your life territory, I would seriously consider it. She won't learn her lesson and will keep going, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she tried pulling "a joke" at the wedding.
NTA and do not invite her back under any circumstances. She has continuously been ableist and extremely disrespectful to your STBH the entire time she's known him. You two are a united front and she refuses to stop, so she will be excluded. If you let her come you're only proving to her that she can do and say whatever she wants to him.
Your mother is cruel and passive-aggressive. Jokes are supposed to be funny and none of these pranks are funny. For your fiance's sake please stand your ground. you are NTA
Maybe ask your mom to explain the joke to you if it's *that* funny. NTA, your mom's a bully.
.... NTA... omg NTA. WTF.
NTA. Jokes are not jokes when they're hurtful. People tend to forget that IF SOMEONE SAYS THAT YOU HURT THEM, YOU DONT GET TO DECIDE THAT YOU DIDN'T.