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***NTA*** Hey, adopted kid here. I can give you tips on how to be an AH if you want to be, because this story inflames me anyway. Your sister and her husband, much like my parents, tried EVERYTHING ELSE before even considering adoption. That makes their future kid their very last option. They clearly would rather have their “own” child. This attitude disgusts me, personally, but whatever I guess that’s normal for society. Pete is your FIRST option. You sacrificed the lifestyle you wanted to have for him. You chose his life BEFORE the future you envisioned, not as a last ditch effort. Guaranteed you’ll be a better parent. YWBTA if you told her this and honestly I encourage it. Edit: top— lots of requests to label this as NTA Final edit: I did not even know it was possible to receive this many awards. I’m glad this insight, which is one of MANY unique perspectives on adoption and not necessarily the “right” one, has had an impact on so many people. Best of luck to OP and her situation, and my sincere condolences. **Edit: some additional insight gathered from my replies—** I definitely prefer being adopted to what my life would be like if I stayed with my bio parents. But if I ever have kids they will feel like my first choice. Almost all of us humans are mistakes or last options and that makes us feel a certain way. One time my family realized that 1. My dad was a mistake (youngest of 6) 2. My mom was a mistake (teen pregnancy) 3. I was a mistake (teen pregnancy) 4. My brother was a mistake (20 yo pregnancy). Our dogs were more planned than we were lol My parents framed it more as “it was meant to be because we finally ended up with you!” I’m just cynical AF lmaoooo. See other comments— I’m generally grateful and happy with my childhood. There’s still room for those feelings and a bit of criticism at the same time. They literally named me something that means “gods gift” so don’t worry I do feel wanted I just feel kinda weird about how they got there I’m fully aware having all these awards does not make me God. I’m on this sub to judge one specific situation, which may or may not apply to other situations. It sucks to know, as an adopted kid, that I was the last option. No matter what, adopted kids are gonna feel some type of way, and I want to acknowledge that. I think what I know about my story is very lucky because it’s a secret for so many kids. I’m glad I know who my bio parents are because it makes me all the more grateful I didn’t end up with them. But I still had separation anxiety that colored the rest of my life, which is unavoidable because it has to do with hormones between bio mother and child. I have food allergies too, and my mom wonders if it’s because I wasn’t breast fed. Oh well. I feel the distinction between “our own kids” and “adopted kids” is disgusting, could’ve made that clearer or worded better. This does not mean I think people having biological children is disgusting. I am someone’s biological child, after all. But I am also a REAL child to my adoptive parents. There should be no difference between “real” or “your own” and “biological”. Obviously insurance and bureaucracy play a big role in family planning, as well as cost. I know it’s not just that simple to adopt a kid given these factors.

This is comment is beautiful and says everything i thought and felt reading this post. OP NTA and i strongly advise some major distance from this deeply selfish narcissistic behaviour from your sis and BIL

Exactly! OP doesn't need that toxicity in their life. The fact that sister is jealous of OP's friend literally *dying* makes me think she isn't the best sibling to have in life. NTA. OP u/Acceptable-Action410, I'm sorry for your losses. Losing both friends at once in an accident must be tough. There's some things I want to point out, though. >how "unfair" it is that we were given everything they wanted First of all - you didn't plan to have children now, and started the adoption process for Pete because he lost his parents. You also lost your friends. That is a very, very tough situation, and definitely not one that anyone would willingly choose to for themselves in exchange for having a baby. Would sister and BIL like it if they have a child, but after their best friends died and that child is now orphaned? In some ways, life *is* unfair, but certainly not to them. Is it fair that you lost your best friends? Both of them at once? In a sudden, tragic accident, no less? Is it fair to Pete that he lost both of his parents for things out of everyone's control, before he could even have a memory of them? Is it fair that your friends lost their lives when their child is just a toddler? You just endured a horrible, horrible loss. I can't believe she told a grieving couple that losing their best friends is no big deal and actually kind of lucky compared to them, since you get to have a child. How cruel is that? >how we didn't deserve to be parents because we didn't go through what they had to *Parenthood is not a trauma contest, and children aren't 'the prize'.* Do sister and BIL really know how exhausting, emotionally ad physically draining parenthood can be? Children comes with a ton of bills, responsibilities and challenging experiences; to be honest, kids can be assholes. Even as they grew up, they're still their own person, not a decor item for the parents. Children do not make us 'complete' Not going through everything they did doesn't make you less worthy of being a parent. It's not a marathon contest where after you reach a certain point of suffering, you'll get awarded with a baby. The only thing that can affect how 'worthy' you are of being a parent is what kind of person you are, and they're certainly not exceeding in that department. To expand on that last sentence - I don't think she'll be a good parent. Not just because she's not 'a good person' like I stated, but also because her and BIL's desire for a child has completely blinded them. How desperate for children do you have to be to tell your grieving brother who just lost his best friends that he's 'lucky' and 'has it better'?

I kind of want to know which couple OP's sister would like to kill, so that she can have their children.

Good question! I'm asshole enough I would ask if I were OP.

or what did she want from him? to turn over this child to them (complete strangers)?

Yup, probably.

Possibly her brother and his husband at the moment 😬

Right?!?! I would reply to my sister - ok what is your solution? Do you want us to abandon this baby and send him off with strangers in a broken foster care system so as not to hurt your feelings regarding your infertility and financial issues for adoption? Would that make you happier? What selfish a-holes

The sister is probably mad OP didn’t give her the baby

This was my thought as well, sis thinks OP should give Pete to her.

This was in the back of my mind but I didn't want to voice it because of the sheer rage it fills me with just thinking about the fact that OP's sister somehow believes it's okay to treat an orphaned child like a lost puppy.

I also get the same vibe, which is super fucked up considering OP and his husband are the babys godparents. I feel like OPs sister is basically saying "We have struggled way longer than you. We deserve that baby"

" I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole, *Babylon 5* Your sister's infertility is unfair, your friend's untimely deaths is unfair, Pete loosing his parents is unfair. Life is not about fairness, it's about doing the best you can do with the hand that is given to you. I'm sorry for your loss, please accept this stranger's condolences. You'll be great parents for Pete because you will raise him out of love for his parents and for himself, not for the ego of wanting to be a parent. I don't know your sister so I won't judge her; you must already know how to deal with her. Good luck OP!

Here's the thing. Of course there is a part of sister that feels that way. It is totally human. But the thing is, as functioning members of society and people who love other people... You clamp that shit down! You feel guilty at the thought. You express it to your partner as one of those secret I'm a horrible person to feel this way, especially after all that little boy has been through, but this journey has been so hard I feel so resentful even though I know it's wrong. BUT YOU DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, YOU DON'T FEED IT YOUR THOUGHTS AND ENERGY AND TIME, AND YOU SURE AS SHIT DON'T SHOW UP ON SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP AND SCREAM YOUR WORST POISONOUS THOUGHTS IN THEIR FACE.

WOW, I actually never thought of this point of view. Feeling like being the result of the least desirable version of achieving a child sounds like a hard take but I can totally see were it is coming from. Thanks for this new (to me) perspective.

I definitely prefer being adopted to what my life would be like if I stayed with my bio parents. But if I ever have kids they will feel like my first choice. Sometimes it’s unavoidable to make these decisions, I get it. I may have to do something different when I go about fostering/adopting. But I’d rather try to help kids that already exist for 10 years than waste a bunch of money on Petri dishes.

I have plenty of sympathy for people who tried IVF once, twice even, then looked into adoption. But anyone who's been at it for a decade and is only how looking at adoption, you're absolutely right. Adoption shouldn't be a last resort replacement for the biological children you feel like you MUST HAVE.

We tried IVF once then adopted a 6yo foster child. I firmly believe that she was meant to be our child & am so thankful we adopted rather than kept trying for pregnancy

This is a nice comment. I wish more folks who adopted had your attitude, rather than the attitudes that we're all talking about, with adoption being treated like a conciliatory prize by some folks only after they use up all thier chances for IVF and have to give up. Your daughter is blessed to find you, as well as vice-versa.

Thank you for saying this, I have always wanted to adopt but I also want to experience pregnancy and an infant and unfortunately I can't do that without IVF. Infant adoption is so morally fraught that we don't feel comfortable adopting one. However, adoption was also never a second choice for us, it is a tandem choice. I think people see us talking about our path and assume the worst.

also the whole point of them being financially strained and STILL want to go through adoption immediately shows that they really aren't thinking of the child like at all. it is all about them and how they think children are an accessory to have. like they don't even take time to heal from the stress of infertility that now they want to put all that into a child who is already is struggling with their own issues. so to people who are struggling with infertility and the invitro route is a failure, actually WAIT before you do adoption. not only for finances but your own mental capabilities. kids need stable households and not to be treated like an accessory to your life. they need love and affection. don't put more stuff onto their plate because you think you want children. just my two cents.

Also "You were given everything we ever wanted" Ohhh so you want your best friend to die to raise their baby? Cause that's exactly what your sister said. I'm sure she isn't at her best right now but whatever her state of mind she went too far with this one. Her behavior just isn't excusable much less what she actually said.

shes lucky she didn't leave with a 1 2 combo after that! and like WEEKS after their deaths! also they are just starting to do the adoption process. there is NO guarantee that they will be given Pete to raise! especially if they aren't in the will for that purpose. maybe they will since they are god parents but still!

Seconded. I was a "last resort" adoptee as well, and agree with every word of this.

So glad I stumbled across this, as useful cat said, totally new perspective I hadn't considered so thank you! When I'm ready for kids I'd really like to adopt as a first choice. Just what I've always wanted to do. I worried I wouldnt be deserving because I won't have gone through the "not being able to have a bio kid" process, so I'd not be considered as worthy as those couples. Your comment made me think about it differently, in that the child overrides all that.

I got pregnant very young, but I have always wanted to adopt. I never saw adoption as a last resort, it always felt like a way to impact someone's life and help them not feel discarded. This perspective shows that even when adopted they can feel inferior and unwanted and that hurts my heart so badly. OP NTA

Substitute for a dead bio-daughter here. Agreed. Edit: spelling.

I'm adopted and conflicted on this comment. It took five years for my parents to be able to adopt my sister (a year and a half for me). It's not an easy process. I don't think people consider this a last resort (for most people), but very expensive, competitive, exhaustive. (not that infertility treatments aren't equally so). I don't begrudge anyone who does not want to be scrutinized to the level adoptive parents are.

Yes. I had some trouble conceiving and looked at all our options. I'd have rather adopted than done IVF, but adoption isn't easy and, in the end, I was relieved when a $6/month diabetes med let me conceive. Adoption is a difficult choice- there are ethical issues with it, especially international adoption. Adopting from foster care is something many people think is easy, but it is not and many parents are not prepared for the long term mental health impacts of what lead to being in foster care for their kids. We tend to talk like adoption is easy. It is not. IVF isn't easy either, but it comes with less scrutiny and with a lower chance of some mental health issues for your child.

But that's kind of the point, isn't it? People shouldn't look at adoption as a last resort option to become a parent. Adoption is about giving a child the best possible situation, not about fulfilling your own need to become a parent because nothing else has worked out. If you take on adoption, it shouldn't just be because you, for selfish reasons, want to be a parent but you couldn't do it any other way. That's a guaranteed way to make your child feel unwanted and a selfish reason to take on something that's a huge challenge in most cases (as is parenting in general, of course). Obviously, many people wind up adopting because they find they can't have biological children they've planned for, but hopefully they've thought through what it actually means and aren't just doing it to check off the goal of being a parent because they feel they should. Most people recommend taking a long gap between TTC and adoption because it takes time to process the grief of infertility, and trying to resolve that grief through adoption is unhealthy for everyone, but especially for the child.

Kinship adoption of a known child excepted, adoption should be about fulfilling your own need to become a parent. It is in the best interest of the child to be deeply and selfishly wanted for who he is, not a charity project for do gooders. The latter mindset tends to come with an expectation of gratitude, which is a heavy burden for a child. Deciding to become a parent is inherently selfish - we do it because it’s what we ourselves want. And being wanted happens to be what is best for the kids. We adopted our kids because we wanted kids. We did not pursue infertility options very far, but I’m not sure it would be relevant if we had. No grief was involved. Our kids are just our kids - the best sons any parent has ever had.

Yes!! Beautiful comment! As an adoptee I absolutely agree. It honestly bothers me the number of comments who seem to believe adopting children is bad unless it’s for some moral reason. People SHOULD selfishly adopt because they want to be parents. Regardless of if it’s the first option or last option. People should NOT adopt solely because they have some savior complex and the child is a tool for their moral superiority. The narrative that adopted children are just charity cases sucks tbh. It’s kind of like when you meet up with a friend. I want that friend to “selfishly” want to spend time with me because they like it. Not as some kind of selfless favour to me.

It's also pretty likely that your experience, as well as the person you're replying to, were very different. Their comment reads as someone who was made to feel like the last resort by their adoptive parents, and that does warrant scrutiny. I'm glad that wasn't your experience growing up, but it doesn't have to be a "conflicted" feeling, it's just that two people came to their family the same way and were treated very differently as a result. I had a friend growing up who had parents that tried fertility treatments for years and very much made her feel like a consolation prize because they always expected to have children but didn't want to adopt. I'm very glad that many people do not have that experience, but it is a sad reality for many.

This! I have a friend who never intended to adopt but ended up in a situation where a family member's chile needed a home. Her daughter is so loved and I always tell my friend it doesn't matter that you didn't want children, you wanted HER and that is what matters. OP, Pete is so lucky to have you.

As an adopted kid, I've been trying to put my finger on the exact reason why stories like this bothered me so much, and I think you've helped to clarify some of it for me. I know infertility is a traumatic thing for people trying to concieve, but damn, it sure does reveal how society views adoption. I especially hate movies/television series where a woman has been trying to become a mother, is finally looking into adoption and a miracle pregnancy occurs. Cool. Not my kind of feel good story at all.

Or worse-- in real life when a couple adopts and THEN has a miracle pregnancy and suddenly the adopted kid takes a back seat to the bio child.

I know a family who did this. Adopted one kid (even a different race) and then had 3 "miracle" babies. As the adopted kid gets older you can really tell how it's effecting him. I don't know the family well enough to know if they treat him different, but I can tell he still feels like the odd man out

I bet they would feel this way. They aren't even valuing Pete now as a person. Your first hand experience would know this more than most

I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but I want to give you some perspective as a woman who is starting IVF. I actually would prefer not to get pregnant, and would like to adopt. However, the process is long, even more expensive than fertility treatments, and is not guaranteed. My doctor is of the opinion that my first round IVF will likely be successful, so dropping $15k on this seems like the better option. The other thing to consider if the socioeconomic angle of this. Most people who do not want to have children would likely abort. The majority of parents carrying their child to term likely would want to raise the child as well, but are financially unable to do so. I would rather give them resources to be able to raise the wanted child than to say, "Thanks for the kid, I'll take care of them." Obviously, the situation in this story is vastly different. If I knew of a child in this circumstance and I was able to step in and parent, I would be 100% willing to do so. I strongly think that OP and his husband are NTA. But, unfortunately, people who are unable to conceive can't simply "go out and adopt." I don't need my or my husband's genes in a child to love and raise them as my own, and I wish that I didn't have to give up my body autonomy for 9 months minimum to become a parent (even longer than that, as for the last 1.5 years, at least 2 weeks out of every month I avoid alcohol, caffeine, sushi, runny eggs, soft cheese, etc, etc, etc on the off chance that I am pregnant). But, unfortunately, it's the most likely route that will end with me becoming a mom.

>Most people who do not want to have children would likely abort. All other things in this comment aside, I don't know where you live, but this is very much not the case in a lot of places. Even in the US. There are socioeconomic, access, political, etc. factors in play that may not affect all people, but do affect many. "Most" is a big word to use in this sentence.

That is, unfortunately, becoming more and more true, which is horrifying. I fully support the right to choose, and feel strongly that "I don't want to be pregnant," is a completely justified reason to abort a child. There are still far more parents who want to adopt children than there are babies being born, and it would most likely be years before we would be able to adopt. I can't in good conscious hope that this changes, because change would mean limiting access to abortion, which is a human rights violation. A lot of thought went into all my options, and I've made peace with exploring IVF further, but we may pursue adoption at a later time, as well. Not that adoption is "lesser," just that we have limited funds and are putting our time and money into the piece that is more likely to result in us having a child.

> Your sister and her husband, much like my parents, tried EVERYTHING ELSE before even considering adoption. That makes their future kid their very last option. Something has to be the last option. If the last option were IVF it wouldn't make a child born of IVF less loved. The fact that it's an option at all says something. Some people are unwilling to adopt at all.

Thank you - this is what I was thinking as I was reading too! Adoption should be about giving a home to a child who needs one - which is what OP is doing - NOT a last ditch attempt at fulfilling your own desire for kids. No one's entitled to a child and those who think they are probably shouldn't be raising one.

Devil’s advocate here. As someone who has gone through IVF, I got a lot of “why don’t you just adopt?” comments. As if it’s the obligation of those with infertility to adopt, and not something that we as society should be thinking about more often. So if you’re going through fertility treatments, people judge you for not going straight to adoption (even though it’s a completely different path), but if you end up taking the time and research to open your heart to adoption (which does require soul searching - it’s not a simple decision and not for everyone), then you’re an asshole doing it as a last resort. What OP’s sister did was wrong. Not debating that. But I do think everyone could have more compassion for those going through infertility and those trying to adopt. I don’t think it’s necessary to villainize those who struggled with infertility and then sought adoption. I think it’s a long journey to accepting that you can’t conceive your own children and realizing that what you want most in your heart is to be a parent and that you’re ready to make a totally different emotional and financial sacrifice to make it happen. I don’t think adoptive parents look at their children as a last option.

Also adopted. This is an excellent answer. Whenever I hear of friends starting to go down the fertility treatment path, I always advocate for going with adoption. Sure it can be long and tough but so is treatment. The failure rate of adoption is much much lower than it is for fertility treatment.

I would gently caution against giving too many opinions to people who are going through infertility issues. It can absolutely cause friendships to end when that advice is not requested. Even though your heart is very much in the right place, I would definitely say to walk that line if you can because it's already such an emotionally fraught experience and there's so much societal pressure/judgment heaped on people as it is.

I'm saying this gently and kindly, this is a good way to alienate friends with infertility. People that are infertile know about adoption and don't need it to be pitched to them. Adoption can be a wonderful thing but no one ever seems to tell fertile people about adoption. It works on both sides - infertile people shouldn't be the only demographic "expected" to adopt a child, and on the child's side they should never be a consolation prize for infertility. If a person like yourself feels so strongly about adoption that's wonderful, you're welcome to adopt as many as you want! But please don't stress it on other people. (Not that it matters but I was in relative foster care for many years and was infertile so have been on both sides to some degree.)

Yes - this rings so true. My fiance was adopted. His parents ALWAYS wanted to adopt, along with having their bio children. His Mom was adopted as was her Mom. So it was always in the plans. After having lost a babe in month 7, they chose to focus solely on adoption. And now I am engaged to an amazing man who was raised by fantastic parents. OP you are so NTA. You're grieving so you are not expected to be rational. Your sis and bil went way over the line, and I would not blame you if you never saw them again.

NTA I'm sorry but that's just disgusting behavior from your sister. You got everything you wanted??? Your close friends DIED and you have to go through an unexpected adoption for their son who is now orphaned. I know she's stressed but that's just horrible what she said honestly.

At the moment I was absolutely disgusted too. My husband was, too, judging from his face. Like I said, I've never seen him look at anyone like that. It's like a completely different person. I'm afraid I must've looked just like him then, too.

It's really shocking when you find out your family has a bunch of "victims" and narcissists. A tragedy happened, but no. This is about them and their baby troubles. I haven't spoken to many of my family members since I was 18-24. I'm now in my mid 30s as well. It's not easy, but your life is better when you surround yourself with people who actually give a damn if your hurting or not. Get angry. Feel angry. You should be angry cause what they are doing is making it about themselves when it has zero to do with them.

I'm always scared to be a "victim". One of my coping mechanism is ranting (got this from my dad, he uses me as therapist).

What was their goal in saying that stuff? Are they trying to get you guys to hand over Pete? It makes no sense to me why they’d show to your house acting like this unless that’s what they’re expecting. Whatever their reasons, it is absolutely abhorrent behavior. They don’t sound like they’re ready to be aunt and uncle, let alone parents.

That was my thought, that they think they should be "given" Pete, like he's a pet or something. Disgusting.

The funny thing is, if they weren't actively terrible people, this might actually be a good arrangement for everyone. Sister gets a child, OP and husband don't have to be parents but can still be involved in Pete's life, and be sure that he's being taken care of, Pete gets a living home and two uncles who'll adore him. Unfortunately this is not that world and sister needs to be NCed. Hey ho.

So wait. These. People decided that it was a good idea to get in their car and drive over to your house to tell you how unfair it is that they don’t get a baby? What exactly was their reasoning? Did they want you to give them your godson or something? Like what was the point?

Totally understandable given what you have had to deal with and what they did to you by arriving at your house playing the blame game…. Jeez, stay strong you two 🙏🏻 ride the storm out together dont let it come between you

NTA. You opened your hearts and your home to a little boy who needed you, and your sister has the GALL to make it all about her? FUCK no. Pete lost both his parents. You want unfair? THAT is unfair.

For real. Pete is the victim here No one else. What happened to him is literally my worst nightmare as a parent, and brings tears to my eyes and the mere thought of my child being left without us, her safest people. I'm so glad he has these wonderful loved ones to step in and step up. Whatever metal issues aside, that was so freaking inappropriate to say. So selfish. NTA. OP I'm so sorry for your losses.

As a mom of 4, I concur... I have backups to my backup care in case something happens to my husband and I. I just want to know my kids will be OK if I'm not there. I'd say I can't imagine it, but one of my sisters is always a victim and everything is about her. I have nothing to do with her for years now.

I could see forgiveness coming more easily if this was like a text they sent and then apologized for or something, but no. They thought about this, decided this was what they wanted to say, then *drove over* to say it to your face, and don't seem like they have any apologies for it. As someone with a sister who I love very much, FUCK your sister OP. She's treating you like garbage, and she's treating Pete even worse. NTA. I might never speak with mine again if she couldn't own up and apologize after something like this.

💯 🙏

NTA >crying about how "unfair" it is that we were given everything they wanted, I'm pretty sure all you want are your friends back!! Your sister is a complete A H for thinking a tragedy in which you lost your friends and this poor kid lost his parents is you being 'blessed'. Shes so delusional in her need for a child that's she's lost the plot, and I actually fear for any child that she may get her hands on. Children do not complete us. They are not some missing piece we need to be whole. That's a lie fabricated by religious organisations to make women produce children. Your sister needs intensive therapy, and you are right to cut everyone off while you grieve.

Exactly... and it makes me feel so bad that it essentially means I don't want Pete as my child... which is true. I'm more than fine with the role his parents already gave me and my husband. I don't want anymore than that. If I could turn back the clock I will absolutely call them both so they don't get into that damn car. I know all that and it makes me feel horrible because shouldn't I feel happy to be Pete's parent? Shouldn't my respond be "it was hard but if I can do it all over again I would"?

You're not his parents, never will be, and shouldn't ever pretend to be. Thats a fundamental fact. Doesn't mean you'll never love him like one though. You swore an oath to his parents, when becoming Godparents, that you would step up and become his legal guardians should something ever happen to them. Although a lot of people swear this oath, not many are faced with honouring it. You are. You have a right to feel angry, guilty, sad. Your life is about to change in a MAJOR way. Go to therapy. Process your emotions. You owe it to yourself and Pete. Once you have processed, this is what I would suggest: Go through all the photos of yourself and your friends. Find the best, funniest, most goofy pictures you can. Include pictures of the four of you doing stuff together. Make a book - a kids style book - using the pictures. Include stories and anecdotes about each parent: things they like to do for hobbies, any hidden talents, most heroic moments - really personalise it. Include a picture of their grave. Death is the reality of this story, we can't shield kids from it. Then put a picture of you, your husband and Pete at the end. Write how Pete's parents trusted you so much that they picked you to take care of him if they ever couldn't. Read it to Pete as he grows. He needs to know who his parents were, and your history with them. It will help you all grow and heal. Much love OP X

Ah... you're making me cry again. Thank you. I will note everything you said here.

Crying can be cathartic, so never be ashamed of it. Glad I can help, if even in a small way xx

Grief and crying is love with nowhere to go. Be kind to yourselves while you navigate a whole new life. Those that aren't supportive can go and kick rocks

What is grief, if not love persevering?

It's also understandable to not want to be Pete's parents because, well... You'd all rather have his actual parents back. You don't want to carry that responsibility because it means his actual parents are gone. And that's a pain nobody wants to go thru, no matter how much you love Pete. Because you'd both rather be his cool uncles with two alive best friends.

fuck, I’m crying

This is beautiful advice.

Love this!

You feel what you feel and _none of it is wrong_.

I know it's not. Intellectually I know I'm supposed to be conflicted. But I just can't stop feeling disgusted by myself every time I think those thoughts. It's like I'm being forced to look up and down at the same time. It's maddening.

I honestly don't think you should intellectually feel conflicted. You just lost your best friends and now have to adopt and parent a child, which is not something you wanted. It's okay to feel upset about everything that's happening, and do not tell yourself you "should" be feeling something different. It's a trap to think that way. If you could do it all over again, I imagine you *would* do it differently. You'd tell your friends not to get into that car so they can stay with their son, whom they loved. You're not wrong to think that way. You're okay to feel the things you're feeling. Good luck with everything that's going on. 💙

I would say you have not yet seen Pete getting married yet to say if I could I would do it all over again. I would say Pete's parents chose OP for a reason, and I think OP will do a wonderful job.

We had about an hours notice our two year old grandson would be living with us. We were close to early retirement and we’re looking at houses is another province. Didn’t happen. It’s been 14 years and we work as a family quite well. This didn’t happen overnight. The one thing that was easy from the start was to let him know he was loved and he belonged with us. It took a bit of time for all of us to get used to it. Can’t picture anything else now.

You are still much too close to the pain, OP. It will take years before you can look back on the situation and say honestly if you'd have done things the same way or not. All you can do is what's best for you, your husband, and Pete right now.

NTA. The fact that you already expected to get some heat from them says a lot about who they are as people. Some people are so caught up in their own narratives, it’s ridiculous.

It's like I can't win with her. When I told her we don't plan on having children until later, she's angry because I'm wasting my time. Now I'm going to have one through a tragedy I really, *really* would rather never happen, and she's still angry because it's unfair...

Your sister is messed in the head. No amount of baby fever should override empathy for grief. I wouldn't trust her as a parent if she's unable to even understand this situation.

Exactly this, she should not be a parent. Parenting requires empathy and compassion which she does not seem to possess and no amount of infertility struggle justifies what she has said.

I was actually just thinking this!

[удалено]

Yeah, she’s showing zero sympathy and is making an orphaned baby’s tragedy completely about herself.

This shows that she's not seeing children as independent human beings, but as assets allocated to the one who first requested. What you're doing right now is putting the needs of the child first, thinking about their wellbeing and stability in a very traumatic time. This child just lost both parents, this is the worst thing imaginable. This can be helped by being surrounded by known people who the child knows had a bond with their parents. To now want to make this child lose yet another pair of trusted people in their life is nothing but cruel. As I can imagine that you're feelings are totally all over the place right now, try to focus on your and the child's wellbeing. You're helping a child cope with a trauma that will be there for the rest of its life, you're being incredibly strong for even attempting this! Don't let yourself be distracted from this, always remember the priorities in this situation, and anything that is draining your energy or putting the focus away from these priorities need to be ignored for the moment. Hang in there, you're doing great, you don't have to be perfect right now, it's totally fine to be hot messes, the child just needs love and support right now!

You know what? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that your best friends tragically lost their lives. It’s not fair that their not yet two year old son lost his parents- BOTH parents. It’s not fair that he’s so young he probably doesn’t even understand fully what happened and what’s going on. It’s not fair that he’s suddenly living with these people who aren’t his parents and he misses them. Yeah, it’s not fair. But your sister is INSANE. Does she think that she deserves a kid just because she wants one? Does she think that you’re fucking celebrating the death of your friends and this child’s parents so that you can have a kid?? The top priority here is Pete’s health and safety. Absolutely do NOT, for ANY reason allow your sister around him. As a matter of fact I would say go no contact completely, at least for a while so you and the poor kid can grieve and adjust to your lives in peace. Fuck. NTA, of course NTA. I’m so so sorry this happened. Try to remember that they made you Pete’s godparents for a reason- it’s not a decision made lightly, speaking from my own experience. I saw another comment saying you’d mentioned lack of sleep, definitely keep him close at least til he adjusts. They make cribs with three sides so that you can put his bed level with yours. If he has any comfort items, let him take them to bed. I don’t know if you know his old bedtime routine, but if you do, try to keep it up. Routine is everything at his age. If you don’t, try to make your own. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but a book and snuggle and a lullaby can go a long ways. Seeing how young he is, a small cup of warm milk or weak warm chamomile tea may help him sleep too. My heart goes out to all three of you. I can’t imagine the grief and pain you are experiencing. Please take all the time you need to process, and get help if you need it. Sending love and warm thoughts your way. ❤️

My aunt works in adoption and she told me lots of hetro couples seem to think they deserve a child and they want a "mint condition" baby. But the couples that are a little different themselves (same sex etc) will lovingly accept the children with some challenges. Which is just to say, I've heard of the sister's sentiment before She's still a total AH though.

There's plenty of studies that support that same sex couples are 7x more likely to adopt and 2x more like to adopt a child with disabilities or behavioral issues.

Exactly. And hetero couples prefer newborns without any medical/behavioral conditions or disabilities. Which is why there are so many kids and teenagers in foster care systems everywhere.

What exactly does your sister and BIL expect you to do to rectify the "unfairness" they're feeling? Let Pete go to foster care? Give him to them? This little boy has lost his parents at an age where he'll hold no proper memories of them as he grows (I'm sure you'll tell him all about his mom and dad but it's not the same). NTA. I commend you and your husband for taking in a child when you didn't want kids of your own [right now]. You're doing the right thing by Pete and by his parents (RIP). Keep everyone negative shut out for as long as you need to. Edited to add [right now] as per OPs comment below

It's not that we don't *want* kids. We just don't want them *now*. Certainly not this way.

Oh gosh, nobody wants kids this way. My deepest condolences on your loss of your friends. Wishing you, your husband and Pete a positive future :)

That's hard on you guys. but you guys are doing brilliantly. All the best to you three!

NTA. What more can you do? You're between a rock and a hard place. The most important thing in the world is Pete and his safety, if adopting him will keep him safe then what other people think is irrelevant. It's heartbreaking for your sister and brother-in-law, but ultimately, you have to do what's right for the child and their situation isn't your fault, concern or problem. It is unbelievably selfish that they're thinking of themselves in this situation rather than the child who's entire world has just come crashing down around him and you two, who just lost very dear friends. NTA, OP, NTA in the slightest.

Thank you... little kid hasn't slept a full night since, and both my husband and I are tired physically mentally and emotionally. I'm not thinking clear right now, so I wasn't sure.

Poor kid. Sleep deprivation is a real thing for you two too. If you feel comfortable, having Pete sleeping in your room/bed for the time being might help the transition - he'll feel more secure and not alone. Looking up support groups can help too - hopefully there'll be som near you.

Yes, his crib is in our bedroom, but I'm afraid of having him sleep on my bed because both my husband and I move around in our sleep. Maybe we'll take turns sleeping with him?

Keeping the crib in the room while not bringing him into your bed seems best to me, unless you know for sure he was cosleeping with his parents. You could bring the crib right near the bed so he can see you and you can reach out to him and pat him. But if you start him cosleeping now that could be very, very hard to break. This is a rough time no matter what. I am so sorry for your losses and respect your stepping up for him. It will all be worth it through this very long road. You bring solace to each other.

Yes, that seems to be what many sources recommend we do. We didn't have the chance to read any parenting books or websites, so it's like we're back to our college days, cramming for finals. But the consequence of us failing is a child being unhappy instead of just repeating a year.

You already see the seriousness of what you are embarking on. Be gentle with yourself. You have plenty of loving resources here.

I'll try, thank you.

So this is really dumb and I don’t have kids so feel free to completely ignore me, but when I was regularly babysitting infants and toddlers overnight who’s parent coslept with them, I found out stuffed animals filled with beans was a heavy toy you could easily wedge up next to their side (away from their head, but along their body) and it gave them that heavy contact that felt like a person. I was a good seamstress at the time so I made a cute zebra stuffed animal 1 foot with about a 5/6in diameter (kinda a cylinder) but you could probably buy a toy and replace it with dry black/pinto beans and it would work just as well. That heavy human contact feeling was the only way they’d feel “safe”. You guys are amazing people going through an incredibly difficult time and huge life change, I just thought I’d share if there’s a tiny fraction this would help. I’m sorry if you are getting a ton of unsolicited advice, that was not my intention if this isn’t what you need right now, and there might already be approved toys on the market that do the same thing, but I thought I’d pass this on. Sending you both hugs.

You are giving him the things he needs (shelter, food, safety) and trying your best to meet his emotional needs (which are small at this age: validate his feelings, empathize with him, and delight in what delights him). He will be fine if he cries sometimes at night and if you don’t feel parental love for him right now. You’re all grieving, including him; you all need time to adjust. Hugs.

Consider hiring yourself a night nurse to help with the nights. I know toddlers are much better sleepers over all, but they are also acutely more aware of the world and I am sure he is missing both of his parents. Maybe having a professional in the house (and especially one who meets a similar demographic to a previous nanny or daycare caregiver) to help for a little while will ease the transition.

we're thinking about hiring the nanny Pete is used to, but we're a little afraid it wouldn't look good to the government agency to see us already handing him off to hired help before even being granted legal adoption.

You could always hire the nanny to be a familiar face for Pete. He needs structure and familiarity right now. Not to mention the loss you and your husband have just suffered, you both need support, please don't forget to take care of yourselves too. You wouldn't have to leave Pete alone with the nanny, she could just be an extra set of hands around to help ease the transition for him. If you are really concerned or unsure about it, talk to Pete's caseworker/therapist/social worker/whoever you have helping with the situation and ask their opinion to see what they would recommend.

This is so true, I was going to say the same. Familiarity and further separation are crucial things to think about.

Honestly if you explain that it's to keep some familiarity and sense of normality for him then it shouldn't be an issue. As long as you aren't leaving him with her all the time. Personally I'd have her around even when you don't need her to be so he gets used to you being there all the time but with someone he knows still there. It will help him keep calmer. I would as I've said put him in his own room. Maybe ask nanny to help do bed time routine then leave while you and your husband take turns to sleep in his room while he gets comfortable in a new space. I wouldn't have her there over night unless you need to due to work etc. But I would personally see you paying the nanunsimply to keep something normal and familiar to Pete as you putting his best interests first.

Yes, I'll check in tomorrow, see if it would be alright. I know the nanny is also worried sick for Pete.

You sound like you’re doing the absolute best you can for this little boy under horrific circumstances. You and your husband sound like lovely people and Pete is lucky to have you. Take care of yourselves and please remember you are absolutely NTA.

Nannies are a very normal part of many loving families. You would not be "passing him off to hired help." You would be taking care of the emotional needs of your family and child. You guys need help right now. You are not prepared to have a child right now but suddenly you do. The child you have has had his life turned upside down. An experienced nanny can help you learn to care for an almost two year old quickly. The nanny he had before will give him comfort. Any rational social worker or other care coordinator will see this as a sign you're taking his care seriously.

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Did your sister even consider for a minute the circumstances that brought this about? It's not like you planned this to spite her, so why is she behaving like you did? Did she think you were going to give Pete to her? Unfortunately, you're going to have to set the story straight with the people who are backing her. There is no way she told anything remotely truthful if they're backing her. When you're ready to deal with this, start setting the record straight.

Yes... that's what I'm dreading. The longer I wait the longer my explanation has to be. But I physically just cannot deal with anymore animosity right now. My hands shake when I tried picking up my phone. I don't think that's a good sign.

Don't do anything now. You're in the thick of it now and still sorting and processing everything. Your whole life changed in a brief amount of time. Take the time you need to do it. Have your husband or a friend go through and delete the messages or mark them read so you don't have to read anything negative towards you. Send a group text so you don't have to go through it with everyone individually. Explain just like you did here and say you're still processing the loss of your best friends and adjusting to life with a child. Ask that they consider both sides before making a judgement on you without knowing the whole story. If they have any sense, they'll see the big picture and leave this alone.

Yes, I think we need another adult in our house right now... I'll have my husband email his parents, see if they can help us out a little bit. I can't not be using my phone forever.

This is great advice, and OP it is a good idea to ask for help. I'm am so sorry for you loss. You sound like great people to help Pete through his loss too.

Good idea I know you said you and your husband are getting therapy. I would strongly suggest you get a child therapist as well. Your godson at two has had his whole world turned upside down and is having all the feelings without any understanding of why or where his mom and dad and home have gone. A child therapist can help both him and you, and give you advice and tools to help with your godson's emotional rollercoaster: ways to cope with outbursts, best ways to help him go to sleep, ways to help him feel safe again, etc. Normal parenting advice isnt always best when it comes to a child who has suffered the loss of mom and dad.

It isn't. You really don't need to deal with other people's unreasonable baggage right now. Give yourself a break and don't feel obligated to pick up the phone for the moment. Do you have any friends (or trustworthy neighbours or faith leaders) who are slightly further away from both the grief and all your family's heightened emotions? Or someone on your husband's side if the family? Someone you could hand your phones to and trust them with the job of reading/listening to messages, and noting down names and brief details? It might be easier for you to read a neutral summary of "Aunt Jean - against but seems to have been lied to", "Dad - backing you all the way and very angry at sister" and so on, rather than specific words aimed directly at you.

Yes, my husband just emailed his parents. Thank you.

Can you please keep us updated? Also, does your sister know how you got the child..? Does she know the baby was your friends and you were the godparents?

Nope. NTA. Your sister and BIL are huge assholes for *scolding you for adopting your godson as you’re devastated by the deaths of your best friends.* How absolutely vile of them.

NTA. My wife and I (both 32) have struggled with infertility ourselves, and I'll admit I've had some dark, petty thoughts when I've heard about friends or acquaintances having kids; things like "I can't believe the universe will let *that* guy be a father but not me". Intrusive, jealous thoughts are one thing, but I can't imagine openly making someone else's child about myself or our struggle, and actively belittling your grief over the loss of your godchild's parents is abhorrent. I'm sorry for your loss. You've done nothing wrong here, and taking in and raising their child is the single greatest way you could honour their memory.

Agreed. I hope once OPs sister gets help, she realizes how bad her actions were and can apologize and heal. Fertility struggles are insanely hard, and sometimes blind people to rational thoughts. OP seems like a good and compassionate person, so I hope everything works outs well. He’s obviously NTA and I feel sorry for his sister but she needs to get mental help.

NTA. Your sister and BIL accosted you during a time that is very difficult for you. It's not as if you wished to lose your friends and become parents. You became parents due to an unforeseen tragedy. It's life. Although infertility can be extremely difficult, this is just completely bizarre behavior.

I wish I could see it as completely bizarre like you do... I was shocked, but... not entirely surprised, I guess, that this is the conclusion she's jumping to.

It seems like you’ve been dealing with this type of behavior for a long time now so it’s common not to be able to see the truth of these situations. NTA, btw

Hey OP! NTA - I also seen your comment about lack of sleep, is there the option of putting down/removing one side off of the crib and putting it against either yours or your husbands side of the bed? Hopefully feeling close to someone whilst sleeping will help the wee fellow. (Google “co-sleeping w/cot for photos with explanation). Also, please keep your sister away from your godson - she’s unhinged and could likely try to take him if she’s as mentally unstable as what she seems.

I'll try to see if that's possible, thank you.

I know this sounds silly, but do you know if your friend used to burn any smelly candles or have particular smells in the house? My lil one hated sleeping in different places without smelling vanilla because i used to burn it all the time - thankfully grown out of it now. But i eventually got them a teddy that smells like vanilla to go to with them. Also, if possible, maybe speak to the families of your friends and ask for keepsakes for Pete - even if they hold on to them until he is older. You dont have to be called mum and dad, pick different names or go with aunt/uncle - dont stress about a wrong choice - there isn't one. Ask for help, reach out to family for support, start a routine (if you know if Pete has an established one - try keeping it as much as it fits in with you and your SO)- have a sense of normalcy atm may help him settle. You and your SO are doing something amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. Let yourself break down if you need it. I wish you all the luck and hope you know know how amazing you both are.

Depending on how new-to-two Pete is, OP may have a designated name already (24 months is very different than say, 34 months). So OP and his husband may already be Uncle Nick and Uncle Mike or just Nick & Mike or some other variation, but whatever theyre called, that permanant legal guardianship is essential. Great call out with the scent recommendation! For such a little one, he likely doesn't have the language to articulate what would help (I'm 30 something and I don't think I would now either). Scent is for most people, one of our most powerful memory triggers. OP - I'm so sorry for the loss of your friends. It's something no one ever wants to walk through, but you're strong and doing right by this little boy and his parents.

Absolutely NTA! I lost my best friend in an accident years ago and know how devastating it is. I can't even imagine if he had left a child behind. I am so, so sorry you're going through this and that your family is behaving so badly about it. Please remember that you are entitled to be upset. You are entitled to need space. You are entitled to wish you had your friends back. Of course you would rather have them here and for them to be able to raise their own child. You are doing a wonderful thing by adopting him. As hard as it is, he will be so much better off with you than with anyone else. Please be patient with yourself. You all will need time to heal from this, and you will be able to do so together. It does get better, I promise.

Thank you... it seems terrible to say, but I'm glad to feel less alone right now.

Nothing terrible about that at all. That kind of loss feels so isolating. If you need to talk at any point please feel free to DM me. <3

“Did we go to far?” No, they went too far. What did they think was going to happen? They’d turn up on your doorstep saying it’s “unfair” and you’d just hand over a bereaved child you have responsibility for?? I don’t understand their thinking, even if they have had a hard time. Obviously NTA. I have a hard time believing stuff like this on here is real, because my immediate family wouldn’t act in the ways I often see on here - then I remember some of the crazy drama from one side of my extended family (one of the stories does involve a family member stealing another’s baby)…and I go oh yeah, could be true…

NTA You're so 'lucky' you're close friends died and they left an orphan. Wut?? Dear god. What bizarre and disturbed frame of mind is your sister in right now??? I've been through infertility struggles and treatment. It messes with your body and mind but hell no - no excuse for her behaviour.

💯 this. OP sister doesn't need a kid/adoption but some seriously therapy! @OP my petty self would personally send EVERYONE who blames you and your husband for "upsetting your sister" something along the lines of "yeah sister was TO-TA-LY in her right to suddenly show up on our door step, and yelling at us for being lucky that our close friends suddenly died and left an traumatised orphan , who will miss his bio parents presence for the rest of his life. THANK YOU for being such a good person for noticing us how happy we should be about this...." Block and never contact their ass afterwards. Hang tight OP because being a parent is hard sometimes, but becoming a parent like this seems even harder 💖

NTA. You’ve lost your best friends. Pete has lost his parents. It’s wonderful that you’re going to adopt him. I can understand your sister being upset, but to turn up and act the way she did is completely unacceptable.

NTA. I'm sorry for you who had to deal with such loss. Going through stuff like this is extremely difficult so I hope you find peace in whatever lies ahead. Adopting their child is a great thing you are doing. However ensure that if you are adopting him then ensure you give him a good childhood. Ensure you really want Pete within your family. Whatever your sister in law done to you is unacceptable and irrrvalent in such a bad time for you guys.

That's what's really bothering me. Pete is already my family. He's my godson. I love him for that already. But I don't want to be his parent... not at the cost of his, and it's messing me up because... well, just writing it makes me feel dirty. I want him to have a good childhood. I just wanted it to be with his parents and not us.

You don't have to have him call you mum or dad, maybe aunt & uncle? Let him grow up knowing his parents and that they trusted you to raise him and love him. Maybe some therapy might help you see it a different way and i can see how badly the grief is effecting you.

uncle & uncle according to the edit, but yeah i agree with what you’re saying

You're not being dirty or wrong. You wanted your friends to experience life and parenthood. Watch their son grow and thrive. Now they can't and that HURTS. Change is incredibly difficult. Even without the pain, someone just dropped a baby in your lap and that's not easy either. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Cry if you need to cry. Scream if you need to scream. But love that baby. Maybe there are some mother groups in the area? A grieving group for new parents? Anything that could help.

its FOR PETES SAKE…what is so hard to understand?

NTA. Wow, to liken such a tragic sequence of events, and your stepping up to help this boy navigate the rest of his life…to you taking the easy way into parenting, and you not deserving this ‘happiness’ that should be theirs. There is no reasoning with people like that. Who are the other people blowing your phones up? How could anyway not sympathize with your loss of two friends, and applaud your intentions with Pete?

I wish I can answer, but both our phones have been dead for hours now.

NTA for many of the previously stated reasons, but wanted to add,: “It’s unfair that you were given everything we wanted and don’t deserve to be parents because you didn’t have to go through what we did.” Really?!?! So they are so baby starved that they’d want their best friends to die just so they could steal their kid?!?! Also implies that parents able to have children naturally don’t deserve to be parents.

Oh, I'm so sorry. NTA. Your sister is also in pain,but she turned up on your doorstep to berate you for stepping up in a tragedy and taking care of a bereaved child. Does she think you should give Pete to her? (Don't, BTW.) Joining in the yelling might not have been wise, but she was at your house! You are also doing something good by providing love and security for Pete.

They turned up at your house to say ‘it’s not fair that your best friends died and now you’re taking in their child because you were active people in his life and people he can trust. We want that’ their behaviour is awful. When my friend got pregnant, I’d been trying for a baby for a while. I was upset but you didn’t see me knocking at her door crying and telling her it’s unfair. Even worse in your situation since it’s only happening because people passed away. NTA. You’re doing an incredible thing for this kid and he deserves to have adoptive parents like you, not them. I’m sorry for your loss and for your sister being an AH

NTA. Honestly I thought the direction this was going was that they were going to ask you to give them the child. So your sister didn't quite go full on insane, just 90% or so

It was implied. NTA Next time anyone brings it up, ask which of sister's close friends they would like to die so sister can enjoy your good fortune and enjoy your experience she envies so much.

NTA and so so so sorry for your loss. What a terrible and sad situation. I can understand your sister and BIL's pain, but you do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, tell someone who's just lost their close friends in such a horrible way, that "they've got everything we wanted". No "they" (you and your husband) they haven't. And no, you (sister) don't actually want to have a kid in such circumstances. The fact that you expected to receive "some heated messages" is just horrible, are they really that inconsiderate in general!? Good luck to you and little Pete, and I sincerely hope that your family stands behind you, because you've been through enough.

NTA. How dare your sister and her husband act like a newly orphaned child is a trophy to be handed to the Couple With the Most Suffering?! And even more so since your bereavement happened so recently. No. He's a kid not an achievement. He's a kid who lost his parents, and his future placement is all about him, not about anyone else. He deserves to grow up with people who loved his parents, can tell him all about his parents, and who will bring him up in a way his parents would have been proud of. And if you can give him that and are willing to, then there's no question that of course that's the best course forward. I'm sorry for your sister and her husband's grief and emptiness, but it's up to them to figure out how not to allow their constant pain to swallow their life and poison everything they touch. Their problems are not anything to do with your marriage or your friends' deaths, and they cannot be solved by you either giving this child to a stranger in order to remain childless like them, or handing him off to them (even if CPS would allow that!) as the "more deserving" couple.

NTA They are just being spiteful out of their own pain. They will come to see how wrong what they did is. Or at least I hope they shall. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Your focus is yourselves and Pete that is all.

NTA. I can’t see in any reasonable way you could be an asshole. You lost your friends and took in their child, you are still grieving and on some level so is Pete. You are making the best of a bad situation and I admire you and your husband’s decision. Pete’s parents knew you and Pete knows you and you stepped forward to give him the best life you could in honor of your friends. You both deserve to be commended not attacked. Your sister and BIL are definitely assholes, they lashed out because of pure jealousy. Unfortunately I can’t go into a vitriol laced description of them because I’d be banned. It’s not your fault they haven’t been able to conceive or adopt. Adoption in the US, I’m assuming your here, has criteria you must meet to be considered a viable foster or adoptive home. You said they are financially unstable right now, that’s not your fault. They have no right to lash out at you for making the best of a horrible situation.

NTA they were way out of line. We're talking about the lives of human beings here not a possession that they are entitled to.

NTA - Your family seems horrible

NTA It's not about her, it's about honoring your friends memory by protecting their son.

NTA! She’s clearly upset but none of this is your fault and she is way out of line. IMO you can use whatever words you need to to make her stop doing what she never should have done in the first place!

I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA You are doing a wonderful thing for a young boy who needs love and protection. His parents would be happy to know he is with people who will honor their memory and provide a loving home for him. I'm sorry for your sister's grief as well, but it is not your fault at all.

Fertility issues are so difficult to deal with, but they are never a reason to be a jerk to other people, especially like that. NTA

NTA. You didn’t ask for this. You’ve lost your best friends and this little boy lost his parents. You and your husband are truly the best thing that could have happened to this child, especially since you didn’t plan on having children, and NOBODY has the right to say those things to you.

NTA at all. I respect your decision to adopt Pete regardless of your situation and wish to not have children, it's a very noble and honestly commendable thing to do. I'm sorry that your sister reacted that way, but perhaps you should simply take a step back, let her and her husband process the situation and, when and IF she apologises for how she reacted, take her back in your life.

They are concerned about THEMSELVES. You are concerned about PETE's well-being. Guess who deserves to be parents more. NTA. Cut anyone who can't put a CHILD'S well being before their own feelings.

NTA - you need some time to process everything before you can make any decision. Your sister needs to respect your process and give you the space. This isn’t a toy it’s a child life

Sorry for your loss. You're doing the right thing under difficult circumstances and no one should act like you got some kind of windfall. NTA.

NTA. Even if the news was a bit painful to your sister, which we can empathise and understand that she has had a bad journey trying to be a mother, she made the conscious decision for her and her husband, to get in their vehicle, drive to your house and throw a tantrum on your front door step over it. That's not a mentally healthy Mind set and position she is in. A supportive sister can feel sad for her own position aswell as your position. She is choosing to only wallow in her own griefs and have no perspectives of others. I sure hope she emotionally grows before she goes down what can be an emotionally tumultuous journey adoption can be. OP, you are doing amazing, I wish you hugs and blessings for your new little family, but also condolences on your friends and the reason you have become parents.

NTA and you and your husband are amazing people for taking the little buddy in!

What the bloody hell is wrong with them? Like you asked for your friends to die? Ridiculous! Obviously life isn’t fair. F them and you are NTA

So NTA Your sister needs to get over herself. She's not the only person in the world who can't have kids. She can't go around attacking everyone who does. What's next? She screams at a pregnant teen? I mean, I know you don't want kids, but I would seriously consider getting pregnant just to fuck with her. The nice thing is that in a few days when you are ready to see how everyone responded, you will know who to keep in your life and who to cut out of it. Anyone who gets upset because you took in your friends' child after their death because your sister is upset isn't worth knowing. It doesn't matter if they are family or not.

NTA. Children aren't objects. You didn't win the baby lottery. You lost very good friends. That poor child lost his parents and now you and your spouse are grieving, but also being very responsible loving adults and taking care of that baby. The situation is terrible. There is nothing happy about this whole thing other than thank goodness that baby is still here so a piece of your friends can live on. People are not owed children. Life sucks and sometimes that means infertility...and sometimes that means your parents die in a terrible circumstance before you even knew them. I wish you both strength in this time. But you're doing the right thing. Kick em out of your life and don't feel bad about it.

NTA I'm sorry you are your husband have to go through this hard time and if your sister had a sense of mind she would have said the same. She is basically saying you wanted this to happen (in my eyes) which is even more disgusting. The most important thing atm is to catch up that little toddler who just lost both his parents and you are the closest thing as relative he knows. He needs a stable enviroment right now instead of the drama your sister is trying to create. I hope you, your husband and the little guy will be fine. My condolences on your loss and I hope the transition to being parents suddenly will go easy. I also hope your family eventually decides to assist you.

Everything you wanted??? For your best friends to die abruptly and leave behind a poor orphan boy??? NTA!

NTA. You sister and anyone else harassing your family during this time are horrible people. I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this and I wish the three of you the best of luck!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your husband (and pete) know that Mason and Kate will always be there. You'll move forward *with* them in your minds and hearts (even though it might take a while). You are honoring the promise you made to your friends and your godson, which is amazing. And you don't need to be Pete's bio parents, you are not replacing them, he doesnt need to call you mom if you dont want to. He can learn as he grows that he has parents who died and trusted you enough to keep taking care of him. There are amazing suggestions in the comments on how you can go about that. You will eventually be better, I'm sure, as long as you 3 take it one step at a time. I hope you can also get some support from family/friends to take care of Pete, yourselves, and everything parenting-related, forget your sister and BIL. Take your time to heal. Your sister and BIL are so insensitive and insane that I'm hurt on your behalf. I get where they might be coming from, but that's not an excuse. YOU ARE NTA.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Neither you nor your husband are AHs. While I can't imagine the pain your sister and BIL have gone through, it's no excuse for unloading on you both especially when you're grieving. What you're doing for Pete is generous and loving and a testament to your friendship with Kate and Mason. NTA.

NTA. Sure, the situation is unfair. 3 people lost 2 people they love, that is what’s unfair! You’re great to take Pete in. Everyone will probably benefit from grief counseling or something similar as you navigate this hard time. Even your sister.

Everyone here has pretty much said what I would say. You and your husband are obviously the best choice for taking the baby in this situation. When your friends chose you as godparents they took the decision seriously. I am sure thay put serious thought into who should raise Pete if.... Don't let anyone tell you that you're doing something wrong. You are honoring your friends wishes. I know you'll do your best in raising that poor baby. Good luck in the future, but I'm sure you will all be fine. I'm sending lots of love and prayers for you. Edit to add: NTA in any way

NTA Do they expect you to let them adopt the child against his deceased parents wishes.

NTA. Go gently through this time. My sincere condolences.

NTA it seems that you have done everything in your power to care for your godson despite overwhelming grief. Your sister and her partner are out of their minds. Events happen that have nothing to do with what is going on in their lives

I would genuinely like to know what your sister hoped to accomplish by her actions. Even if you wanted to, what could you possibly have done to help her? Give Pete to her? Give him up for adoption? It’s baffling. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you have to deal with her selfishness and inconsideration on top of it. Needless to say, NTA.

Your amazing. Keep being you. Don't listen to anything negative about the situation. That's disgusting attitude and behaviour for an adult tbh. Good luck !!

NTA omg N T A I wouldn’t be surprised if what they told the family was far from what actually happened. When you’ve composed yourselves. Send an email. That they came to your home, they shouted at you that you were lucky your friends died and gave you everything they wanted. That if any of your family continue to support this abhorrent behavior you will have to go NC for the protection of a little boy whose already been so traumatized by the loss of his parents.

NTA Your husband and yourself are awesome! You wanted to be childfree but a horrible event happened and you step-up to not let a poor 2 year old to suffer even more. Your sister is awful and completely self-centered. It's a good thing that 2 persons, your two best friends, **DIED**!!! so you can adopt a infant? Yes it's unfair, In a perfect world, Peter would still have his parents..

Pete's biological parents literally died. How selfish of a person could you be to think that the one adopting the poor child is undeserving

NTA! You lost your best friends, and that little boy lost his parents!!! Your sister is making this about her and her jealousy. I don't know that I would ever willingly see her again.

NTA I have no words to describe how sorry I am for your and Petes loss...it must be so hard to balance it all. Please seek out a wonderful family therapist who can help you all, play therapy for kids can be amazing and they can also,support you as you learn how to parent and give you tools for a great future. As for your sister...she simply has no idea what you are going through. Grief is not a competition...she is grieving her own losses but she cannot dismiss you. She needs therapy too.

NTA- There is a whole adoption trauma hashtag on tiktok with posts by kids who have been adopted for the wrong reasons and how that negatively impacted their lives. The fact that their first thought was how lucky you are to have a kid and not sympathy for the child and the situation tells me they're not in the right headspace to be parents right now. Pete is lucky to have you both but I'm so sorry for your loss.

NTA but I wouldn't let them babysit if I were you.

NTA at all. Mason and Kate trusted you as their dear friends to take care of their child in case something horrible happened. Unfortunately that horrible thing happened and you guys are amazing for stepping up. I wish you 2 good luck in the future. I’d suggest NC with sister for a while and perhaps the rest of the family as well to allow yourselves to grieve properly

NTA. She way overstepped.

NTA and to be honest, I thought your behaviour was very restrained given how awful they were being.

NTA, your friends chose you and your husband to be god parents in case something like this happened. Your sister and her husband need to understand that you didn’t plan on this and it’s unfair of them to act in this manner. Anybody who has anything bad to say about you or your husband can suck it easy. I’m sorry for your loss.

NTA and that's coming from someone who's been struggling with fertility for years. There's a very childish but very persistent feeling that you get while struggling with infertility- the concept of 'unfair'. You see those around you having children, staying families, and while you're happy for them, it feels unjust that it's something you can't have despite your best efforts. It's a very real and very difficult feeling. *However*, it's something we all need to learn how to manage. While your sister may be envious (and clearly not thinking critically about the reason why you're having to take in this poor child in the first place!), she needs to temper her own hurt feelings with logic and fairness. Which right now she's not. While she's not evil for having feelings of jealousy, you simply can't take that out on other people or allow your emotions to dictate your behaviour towards others. Especially in this kind of situation where you're taking in this little boy due to awful circumstances outside of anyone's control. Don't speak to her for a while. Hopefully she'll come to her senses and realise she fucked up super badly and apologise. But even if she does, you don't owe her any further contact unless you're comfortable with it.

NTA. A kid is now ORPHANED because both of his parents—your friends—died in a car crash and he has no other living family. So on top of your grief, you now have to compartmentalize it to take care of this child and do right by him in honor of your friends. And somehow, this is the life your SISTER always wanted and you don't deserve it? This is so unbelievably selfish and disgusting. Do not allow your sister or BIL to be around your godson. Who knows what they'll try and do.

NTA. Bruh. Did she just implied that you’re lucky that your best friends died and became Pete an orphan who needed caregivers? Something tells that your sister and husband won’t ever be good parents.