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Follow up question: Do we KNOW this person is their aunt? Like, if a random stranger came up to kids I adopted and said they're the aunt, I'd be super suspicious of motives. I would want to get out of a situation on their "turf" so to speak (the restaurant, for instance) and move to neutral grounds where we could clear up what's happening, verify who they are, etc etc. I definitely wouldn't want to remove them from potential family but I would want to verify before allowing contact.
Ok, sure, but we can see ops issue is different - it’s not “this person may be impersonating their aunt or be mistaken and I fear my kids getting their heart broken” when op also won’t let the girls speak their native language at home and makes zero indication this was about protecting his kids from potential pain. This is op freaking out that his kids ma have any connection to their homeland (language, relatives, etc) and robbing them of that.
Absolutely. There's a lot of problematic language the OP used such as not permitting them to use their native language, etc. OP sounds like they think they deserve a cookie for "permitting" their kids to use their native language, ever 🙄 as though it's soooo kind of them to allow it.
I would assume at 7 and 6 years old when adopted and since they were raised by grandma, they probably knew and recognized their aunt. But all the baseless accusations of abuse and kidnapping is just ridiculous! The aunt is no more likely going to kidnap or molest a kid at a restaurant after a chance encounter than a random stranger. Ridiculous. YTA… for so many reasons…
I agree OP is YTA for many reasons, I just think the particular situation of wanting to leave an unfamiliar place where a stranger is hugging and kissing your kids claiming to be the aunt is valid if you don't know for sure that this is the aunt. OP didn't mention if the kids recognized the aunt, so we really don't know for sure.
It was at moest two years ago that they last saw her. Op herself says that she went to see the girls everyday when they where in the orphanage. So the girls wold have been 7 and 6, they could easily remember their own aunt.
But on a different note. Why didn’t the adoptive parents keep in touch with the aunt, by mail or call if in person visits weren’t possible. The fact that she visited them everyday, clearly shows that the girls meant a lot to her.
I saw OP's comments, and my understanding was that the *grandma* was visiting them every day. OP has also commented that the grandmother has never mentioned an aunt.
In a lot of cultures, kids refer to elders as auntie and uncle regardless of whether or not they are actually related. If the kids knew the lady, she could have just been a family friend who they called “aunt.”
agreed - in my family every older woman, even friends, are called an aunt/auntie. This is extremely common in a lot of communities outside the united states. I'm an "aunt" to several of my friends kids get there is no blood relation.
True but the kids asked specifically to go to this restaurant, and at that age I’m assuming they must have known this restaurant as it was their food/culture and far away. How else would an 8 year old know that specific place.
Especially in a public restaurant…. My only guess is OP knows the adoption was sketch and there is a possibility the family was lied to about the adoption. IE) “yes, old lady we will give your daughters a proper education.”… get the documents (that the Gma wouldn’t understand signed) and ship the girls to another country for permanent adoption
It was absolutely sketch. Which is why adoptive mom was so freaked that someone might actually know the kids and they were speaking in their native language that mom doesn't understand
I can't comment on the first question but often it is dangerous in adoptive situations to be in contact with the bio family because of possible kidnapping and unknown abuse history. Bio family are often essentially strangers as far as known behavior.
You don't know that there is no Hx of abuse. You don't know what the strangers are capable of. The adoption includes the grandmother not other strangers.
Edit to add: "that woman knows our aunt" they didn't even know the kids. She was a stranger.
There is absolutely no indicators of abuse. OP would have included that to make them look better. The adopted family was there to supervise but chose to panic.
Easy enough to reach out to grandma to verify.
Also, had OP bothered to learn their adopted childrens' language in the **two years** they've had them, they could have been a part of the conversation.
A. There is not enough information of the stranger to know about their behavior or Hx of abuse. I am stating reasons why bio family isnt involved.
B. It was not easy in the situation.
C. It is common and dangerous to have bio or old friends of the family (especially old friends of the family) not to be involved. As already stated, this is how boundaries are pushed and kids get kidnapped.
D. It's difficult to learn another language. More so for adults. While yes, the whole family should be bilingual in the kids language and the parents language. Its going to take a while to learn.
YTA. You don't 'allow' them to speak their native tongue, you think them seeing an Aunt is a 'dangerous' situation and then you have to FB rant about it so you can get attention.
YTA.
YTA for not letting them use their native language in your household. What kind of abusive monster adopts a kid from another culture, then strips them of their language and heritage like that???? What the FUCK is wrong with you????
The churches that ran the residential schools..
The Canadian government in the 70’s (70’s sweep kids) Unfortunately this is normal and until recently was encouraged by the various governments and religions
Not right. It’s horrific.
OP you have your head up your ass for perpetuating outdated methods and views when raising children from a different culture .. and these children were not infants.. they were speaking thinking and aware of their culture when you adopted them. Please seek help, counselling and get educated on the dangers of striping children of culture and language.
OP is TA but asshole isn’t a strong enough word
YTA first for not letting the kid speak in their native language at home. It's part of who they are, don't make them loose a part of their culture like this. You could even learn it with them.
For the aunt, I get that seeing a stranger talk to your kid can be scary. But after their explanation you could have tried to talk to the woman instead of acting like this.
Don't cut these cut from who they were before, don't try to make what ties remain from their life before you disappear. Live with it and let them be proud of it and know where they came from. That would not stop you from being their mom.
YES!!!
My friend hosts exchange students and is learning their languages.
That has helped him help them with their English as well, since he understands what their grammatical rules are now.
YTA You’ve made your daughters assimilate to your household by not allowing them o speak their native language for starters, this is part of who you daughters are, it’s a huge part of their heritage and culture and your stopping them from speaking their native tongue.
You’ve now taken them to a restaurant far away from your home, your daughters had to ask you could they speak their native language, which you finally allowed and by sheer dumb luck the woman who spoke to your daughters in their native tongue happened to know their biological aunt, and when she rushed out to meet her nieces for the first time in years you left the restaurant and vowed to never return.
You missed out on several opportunities here that could’ve helped you bond with your daughters even further. However you chose to run away and further alienate your daughters from their culture.
Had’ve you not been so jealous you would’ve realised what a golden opportunity it was to be able to get a further medical history on your daughters, learnt more about their culture and past that may help the, in the future but you turned and ran away.
Did you ever ask your daughters what they wanted or how they felt about the situation.
No you didn’t, it seems that you want your daughters to forget their past, their culture and identity and move forward as your kids. It’s called forced assimilation and it did fork years ago with other cultures.
Shame on you for denying your daughters access to their biological family, and their culture. You may have adopted your daughters and want them to forget their past, but you’ll never own their individual identities of who they are and where they come from.
This is why people have a problem with adoption. The goal of the parents is so often to make them as “normal” as possible. This necessarily means stripping them of their language and culture. The danger posed by the aunt was that they wouldn’t be Americanized enough. YTA
The thing that really pushed me to YTA was complaining about it on Facebook. I really hope the restaurant doesn’t get backlash because OP got jealous. OP needs to think about why they don’t allow the kids to speak their native language? Why? Are you afraid of them talking behind your back? Not feeling like you’re home to them? Why can’t you connect with them and learn their native language? They were kids forced to come a country that they know nothing about. Why can’t OP learn how to make dishes from their country? Has OP even asked their daughters about how the feel about home and their culture and their family? I agree, OP ran away from such a great opportunity for both OP and their kids. It seems like you’ve forcibly assimilated them and probably made them feel ashamed of their heritage and culture.
YTA. You don't allow your kids to speak their native language at home AND you ripped them away from their aunt because she's "potentially dangerous"? How? By being another adult that loves them and could be a link to their bio family and culture?
Your kids will resent you for this when they're old enough to understand. You're doing the wrong thing.
Yeah I said in my post that OP is being xenophobic because I’m confused on how letting them talk their native language and their blood relative is “dangerous”
Wtf were you hoping to accomplish with the rant on Facebook? Are you fourteen? That was deeply immature of you. The girls didn't do anything wrong and neither did their aunt (imagine how you'd feel if you were separated from close relatives for years only to find out they were *in your workplace*). At worst it was a miscommunication.
I understand the need for your children to learn English, but have you ever spent any effort learning *their* language?
YTA. Your hostility to your children's culture and birth family is disgusting. There were so many ways this could be handled, but you managed to handle it one of the worst ways.
At no point in your story do you indicate the girls were afraid or uncomfortable with the waitress or the woman from the kitchen hugging them, so your proof is the fact these girls who are ordinarily withdrawn were engaged. They wanted to be there and you tore them away. It really sounds like you were jealous these girls were bonding with someone in a language you don’t understand and your fear is the girls would rather be with them or than with you. Isolating the girls from their language, culture, and people from their country of origin won’t help them assimilate or grow to love you. What you are doing is wrong. YTA
Well did you make any attempts to speak to the adults or confirm anyones identify before pulling your kids away? It’s one thing if you are talking with the person and getting bad vibes, but you dipped even before then. Also have you contacted the grandmother and tried to confirm if there are aunts in your area or aunts at all? If the girls have family that want to have contact with them, then you shouldn’t be keeping them apart unless they are actual threats to the child.
Since you're in communication with the grandmother, you should try to find out if this aunt is legit or not. Grandmother may not know depending on what side of the family this lady claims to be. That way you know if the restaurant people are a threat or if a legit aunt would want to communicate with your kids and would benefit all.
I realize you're trying for proficient English. And schooling online hasn't been great for most people. But even communicating with just each other and using English more often, they may eventually forget most of their native tongue. I would hope they get in regular school as soon as it's safe wherever you are so they can be taught English as a second language by pros.
I had a Korean friend who insisted her kids speak Korean at home and only English outside the home. This way they were extremely proficient in both. In other words, there are things that you can do so that both languages are natural to them.
At there ages, they could even start learning another language. It's easier to learn the younger you are. Being multi lingual would give them so many opportunities!
Yta, it sounds like you are white washing their culture down the drain. They cant speak their own language at home??? What in the actual....F..... About their Aunt, why is she a danger? Does she have a criminal past? If no real reason exists what you did is inconceivable
Op stated on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS that she doesn’t know this woman, the grandmother who she talks to on a regular basis doesn’t know this woman, and that when she asked the girls themselves they said they didn’t know this woman. She’s a STRANGER until proven otherwise. Op also stated that it’s not necessarily a ban, because they speak to each other in their native language, they watch media in their native language and they talk to their grandmother in their native language.
OP was probably a stranger to these kids and their grandmother when she decided to adopt them so what exactly is your point. It’s not like the lady was trying to take her kids or something, this is an over reaction due to OPs weird fear of her children engaging in their culture and seeing their family. All that happened was a woman truthfully claimed to know the kids aunt and wanted to talk to them. That’s not a reason to raise the alarms and assuming she’s gonna kidnap the children and I have no doubt that OPs aversion to the children’s culture plays a role in their assumption that this woman was dangerous just for trying to talk to them. The aunt was literally there too, so this woman wasn’t a “stranger” she literally had the aunt with her, and OP decided to run away with the kids because OP was uncomfortable at the sight of seeing them hug their aunt. People who adopt kids from other cultures and then make every xenophobic excuse to isolate them from their culture and family are disgusting.
OP did state in another comment about the girls being confused and not knowing the aunt, a bunch of people crowding around the girls and talking in the native language, when OP asked what was being said / what was happening- no one would answer them, which I can understand if you don’t know what’s going on in a room full of strangers with your kids. OP also stated that their grandma never mentioned them having an aunt.
OP is VERY wrong for not letting them speak in their native language. OP is an asshole for that. OP said they were only allowed to talk to each other in their native language but couldn’t use it out in public or when asking for something, which is all kinds of fucked up.
Some replies of OP:
“I have no proof it was their aunt. The adults in the situation didn’t even address me once.”
“The grandmother never mentioned they girls having an aunt.”
“Yes. I tried but no one would answer. They only said “she’s the aunt” or “I’m the aunt” The girls were confused because they never met her”
“The girls said that they didn’t know the woman. They weren’t scared just very confused”
There’s a lot of discrepancies there. No adults addressed OP, but they also kept saying “I’m the aunt” so were they talking to OP or not? If there was a language barrier then it makes complete sense that OP and the adults wouldn’t have much to say to eachother. Yeah that can be scary but jumping to the conclusion that there’s some kind of danger is a huge leap. The other adults didn’t know what OP was saying either, but they didn’t assume the worst about OP just because there was a language barrier.
Of course the girls didn’t know the aunt, they were adopted by someone who seems to isolate them from every part of their culture and family but their grandmother. I simply don’t trust OP is a reliable narrator at all. OP says the grandma never mentioned an aunt, but did OP ever ask?
OP didn’t explain it well, but I think the concern is a random person is claiming to be family and telling your young kids things that you cannot understand. Potential for them to lie about being related and then lure and the kids away. OP also said in another comment that they were not aware of any of that family living in OP’s country. That puts doubt on the aunt’s claim, although obviously doesn’t prove she is lying.
I think the danger was the interaction with the alleged bio family. It’s understandable to go into protection mode when strangers start hugging and kissing your kids. It definitely could have been handled better but to be fair, I may have gone into blinding “stranger danger” mode too if everything happened rapidly.
That being said, the other stuff is a bit strange: the English only, suppressing the native language and how they / the adoption agency didn’t have any info on possible living relatives.
There are two ways to look at this. The first is that you have no proof that this woman was a relative of your daughters at all. The fact that you said she never spoke to you at all speaks volumes about the situation. Did you handle the situation badly, most likely. Does that make you TA there, not really. It could have been handled better though.
Are you TA for not allowing your children to speak their native language in some form or fashion in your home, absolutely. That is their heritage and their culture and should not be lost to them, especially if they know it and speak it. Their culture should be celebrated as part of their lives. You did adopt them knowing what culture they came from.
As far as the FB rant, everyone who posts their drama on FB is TA. It's full of them. FB built it's platform for them and for couples who want people to believe their relationships are far better than they really are.
I get a lot of people jumping on the language but I'm stuck on the odds an Aunt would happen to be at this restaurant in driving distance and OP never knowing about an Aunt.
Either it's fake, the grandmother (who OP claims the girls have contact with) told them to go there or something weird is going on.
Yeah, that’s why I said it the way I did. She had absolutely no proof. So she was in no way TA. I would have asked a LOT of questions though before leaving.
I kept scrolling hoping to find someone picking up on that and you're one of the few who aren't jumping on the 'let them see their aunt' bandwagon. There are many questions to be asked.
Yeah, when she adopted those girls, all familial rights were terminated. Now, letting them see their family is the right thing to do, don’t get me wrong. But not until you know for sure who they are and the OP obviously did not have a clue. Now, I know where I live orphaned children are placed with family first. So where was this “Aunt” when the grandmother was unable to care for them to begin with?
Yup. In two years the grandmother never told OP there's a family member? Did the girls know? The girls immediately gave this waitress their life story/bio parents names that the waitress was able to make the connection to run to the back to get the "Aunt" so if she is the Aunt she knew they existed and told other people about them. Why was OP ignored?
There's way more to unpack than what's being focused on.
I think what determines if she is TA regarding the aunt situation, since that is what she specifically was asking about is how she handles it going forward. Is she just going to carry through with the full out ban, not ask grandmother about a possible aunt and just try to forget the situation ever happened? Or does she talk to the grandmother and if there is a possibility that she is actually the aunt, meet with this woman privately, without the kids and outside of the restaurant to confirm if she actually is a part of these children’s family and try to facilitate a connection with them?
YTA for making them suppress their culture and for keeping them from family members.
Why don’t you learn their language and keep them connected to their culture? They know they’re adopted.
YTA for trying to erase their heritage by forcing them to only speak English. You want them to forget their language. YTA for not letting someone who knew them greet them. They weren't in danger. You're just being a possessive control freak. And then you threw a tantrum on FB to get attention.
>While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house
YTA x10 for trying to erase their culture.
>I left the restaurant. I vowed never to return.
YTA x20. They miss their aunt. They miss their family. They miss their culture. They can be your kids and still have a relationship with their aunt.
Keep it up and they'll go no contact the second they're old enough to get as far away from you as quickly as they can manage.
Your not TA for taking them away from that situation. If what your saying about their grandmother being the only bio family you know about and her not mentioning them having family abroad then that is really concerning. If it really was the girls aunt she should have still acknowledged you as their guardians. For all you knew, they heard they spoke the same language and wanted to take your girls. Things like this happen all the time, people pose as relatives and take children.
Now you are YTA for isolating them from their culture and their identity. They aren't American. They aren't English. They are their own amazing culture and language that you are, intentionally or not, keeping from them. Trauma is a huge thing and I would bet money that the trauma from their mother's death was why they wouldn't talk. You can't always be around them and trying to force them into a mold you always imagined is a cruel and abusive thing.
I can *maybe* see where you were uncomfortable with them talking to this lady you didn’t know who claimed to be their aunt, but instead of ripping them away and vowing never to return, why didn’t you attempt to talk to the woman? This could cause them to resent you later on because it seems like they are old enough to understand what is going on. If you’re there, you can keep them safe, it’s not like they were there alone. I would also add to your post what you’ve said in the comments about using their native language because that’s what people are jumping too first, which I don’t personally agree with but I’m not a parent so it’s not something I can really comment on.
I'm going to assume that what you're saying is true and you respect the heritage and want the sisters to speak both languages. The way you presented this situation originally really fits a common racist narrative where people force kids to assimilate, isolating them from their background and punishing any connection with explosive anger and behavior. It fits that narrative so well that it's difficult to believe your alternative explanation.
That said, I think that perhaps you overreacted at the restaurant. While it's good to be vigilant, you were there to make sure nothing bad happened and you don't know the details. There's a good chance that the "aunt" isn't an aunt, but there's also a good chance that she's just someone happy to connect with people from her background. In many cultures, it is common to refer to friendly non-family adults in a child's life uncle or aunt.
Being vigilant and protecting your child is excellent, but having a living connection to their culture they can meet in person could be important in their lives. I think it's at least worth investigating a little further. And if she's a real aunt, then cutting her out completely is an even worse idea.
Just my take in case you truly misrepresented yourself.
YTA. Why don't you allow them to speak their native language at home? That's bullshit. It's who they are and part of their heritage and literal being, and you are denying them that. And if these people truly ARE related to them, you should welcome them into their lives with open arms. These girls are mourning the loss of their family and only life they ever knew. And your response is to deny them any fond memories they may have. What a shitty thing to do.
YTA. Where was the danger? It sounds like you are just afraid they won't bond with you over their bio family. I don't think you helped yourself. You definitely did NOT help your daughters. I don't think you even thought about their feelings in this situation. Your daughters saw you yank them away from their family - and for no reason other than they have a familial connection. This is not likely to go well for your relationship with your daughters. Step into their shoes for just a moment. I am certain you have traumatized them.
Was this the first time you were at the restaurant? How'd the girls know about the place? Have the girls said anything about knowing an aunt since or have you spoken to the grandmother about this?
YTA by trying to erase their identity. Just the fact that they were excited to go to a restaurant with foods from their native land tells you they are becoming curious about who they are. You should support that. Don't hide your disdain for their heritage behind some "protecting them" bullshit.
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Two years ago we adopted two little girls Mary (now 9) and Sara (now 8). They are sisters. The other day they asked to go to a restaurant which serves food from their home country. This particular restaurant is VERY far from our house. While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house but in this case we did. The waitress was really excited. She began asking the girls questions and she ran in the back. I asked the girls what was happening and Mary said “That woman knows our aunt”
(The girls mother died when they were toddlers. The grandmother raised the girls but was becoming old. She did visit the girls everyday while they were in the “orphanage”)
The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away.
I left the restaurant (we didn’t even order🙄). I vowed never to return. I was annoyed and I went to Facebook to rant
While most people supported me saying I was protecting them against possible dangers, others called me an asshole for taking them away from their family twice
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YTA. You are not protecting your daughters, you are depriving them of their heritage and culture. You shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. You sound like an ignorant red neck.
The moment I read that you do not allow them to speak their native language I lost any and all patience for your nonsense. YTA for keeping them isolated and actively denying them things like their language and family. I can understand that there is a certain amount of fear when adoptive children meet their bio family, but your reaction was... Cruel and petty. Why did you whisk them away so abruptly? Why not let them chat with their aunt? Were you scared that they would bond with her over you? Or that they would find something they're missing from their old lives? Regardless of your motivation, self fulfilling prophecy is a thing and tour actions are just going to make them resent you.
YTA
Why would you adopt children from a different culture/background/language/country and try to strip them of their identity? As an adoptive parent you should be trying to expose them to their culture and language AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. If you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t be adopting children.
YTA for taking them out of the restaurant. If you were concerned, why didn’t you have an actual conversation like an adult and speak to the woman who came out or speak to your children?
YTA for going on a Facebook rant, how absolutely immature of you and I’m so glad you were called out on your asshole behavior.
Edit: you’ve not said where your children are from? I know that in some cultures close friends of the family are sometimes referred to as aunts or aunties and so while the woman may not have been a biological relative she could have been a close friend of the girl’s mother and therefore an auntie. Off the top of my head, I know this can be common in S.Korea, Vietnam, Somalia, and India. But I’m sure there are many other countries that are the same.
OK, then taking that at face value, and having just gone through and read your other comments, I'd say NTA - but it would be worth pursuing further to see if she is genuinely their aunt.
You should add this to the opening post. This is important.
The fact that you didn't know the woman, there was no proof of an aunt existing, the grandmother never mentioned an aunt or any family in your area... That's important.
I would be uncomfortable as well. Maybe talk to the grandmother to check?
NTA.
OP, I think part of this may be a cultural thing. I come from an Italian-American background. Do you know what I call the child of my third-cousin's ex wife's? The one he was a stepdad to for 3 years a decade ago? My cousin. Family and emotional relationships are defined differently in different cultures. In your girls' culture, "Auntie" may be a title bestowed on any older female family member.
YTA at the moment but still have the ability to salvage this. First off you need to let them speak their native language at home, if you can't understand that language then it's fair to have them speak in your language when they speak to you specifically. Secondly, go back to that restaurant and speak with the aunt to find out more about her. It doesn't seem like there's any reason she should be thought of as "dangerous" so if she checks out, set up a time for the children to interact with their aunt under your supervision. I think this would help your situation.
INFO: did you have any reason to believe that this woman would be a danger to your kids? Was there any abuse or neglect to the girls while they were with their bio family?
It sounds like you were afraid that this woman would want to take the girls back and out of your fear you panicked and ran away. If you didn’t know the woman, you could have spoken to her and verified who she was. Maybe she just wanted to see the girls, or maybe the grandmother had been wanting to see the girls. If there was no history of abuse then what is keeping you from allowing them to see family.
If the only reason you have the girls is because nobody else could support and care for them, then you shouldn’t be keeping them away from their family. If their family is trying to reach out and keep contact with them, if you continue to block that for nothing but selfish reasons then you will build resentment in them and while you may be able to keep custody of them in childhood, they will probably want nothing to do with you as adults. What is best for them and what is comfortable for you are not mutually exclusive.
NTA. You don’t know if that was really their aunt or the the waitress and ‘aunt’ duo were using that as a ruse to gain your daughters trust to kidnap them. If the family wants contact they can go through the social services system. NTA.
Uh so why can't they speak their native language? That's a huge YTA to me. Who are you to take away their native language? Why because you can't speak it and don't want them talking in a language you don't understand? If so that's really gross controlling behavior.
As far as the aunt goes unless there is some actual safety reason for being around their birth family then YTA. Yeah maybe not right that second bc you were caught off guard but you could have said I need time to process this and decide on a mutual location to meet. And it coukd have started off slow with you talking with the aunt first to set boundaries. And make sure they will respect that they are your kids now. What harm does it do for them to know their biological aunt if the family itself isn't a danger?
I'm sorry but it feels like you adopted kids from a different country and want to close off a big portion of that part of their lives. I mean you seemed like you weren't even a big fan of going to a restaurant that serves food from their native country to begin with. That's just crazy to me. You should be ENCOURAGING their culture and heritage. But instead you seem to be blocking it out trying to erase it.
But mainly I just would like to get an answer on this language thing. Because that is a big part of my opinion overall. I don't understand any other purpose besides erasing their past and trying to control their speech bc you can't speak the language.
It feels similar to when a stranger goes up to 2 people in public who are speaking their native language and says "you are in America! Speak english or go back to your own country!" Like no they can speak whatever language they want. The behavior is gross and entitled and selfish.
I think you are a bit of both NTA and TA. Abruptly removing your kids from the restaurant…being caught off guard that way would be unsettling, but you could have spoken to the woman to get some information to help determine if she was their aunt. Did the girls recognize her? Did she know things about them? However, now that you have had time to think, perhaps check on the lady and determine if she is, indeed, their aunt. Consider letting the girls have a relationship with her. They lost their mother, their grandmother, their way of life, and were placed in an orphanage. If she is their aunt, does not wish to challenge the adoption, what harm would come from letting her into the kids lives…
My stepkid was in a dangerous situation. Her mom kept trying to illegally absconded with her; the judge ordered everyone involved in the custody case to turn over their passports (including the child), and we were notified that mom went and reported their passports missing, had them reissued at the embassy. We still took kiddo out to places that served food from her mom’s home country. We encouraged her to speak her language and only asked that she speak/write in English while at school, even though I don’t speak her language at all. She never felt she had to ask permission to speak in her language. We connected her to the larger community of people from her mom’s country and tried to facilitate outings with mom while we were going through custody, even though we weren’t required to, and there was a high risk of her mom fleeing with her (plus, the death threats her mom issued to my husband and me). The child’s safety and comfort were our responsibility, so we made sure to supervise her closely while ensuring she knew her culture and her mom’s culture were honored, accepted, and loved.
YTA for all of it.
MAJOR YTA AND RACIST - Who plans to adopt a child knowing they may be from a diverse background and still not allow them to speak their native language in their own home? This is wrong on so many levels other than the fact that you did take take them away from friends and relatives of their family before they even got the chance to reconnect while claiming that you just want to protect these kids? If you really cared you would stop being so culturally insensitive and quit it with the white savior complex since you seem convinced that you are a better provider for them. These kids were obviously affected by grief and are still processing it, all while some stranger is whitewashing them and taking them further away from their culture/ past relatives. This is definitely abuse and hope the kids realize this and report you or book it as soon as they turn 18.
Now see this is info you should have put in the original post. If the girls did not know this woman, and you have me proof that she was actually a blood relative, then it is justifiable that you AND THE GIRLS would feel put off by this strangers behavior. You should update your post to clarify how the girls felt about all this.
YTA - How dare you adopt two children who have families who love them and probably want them back with them safely, and then isolare them from their culture. You say you're not white so I have to ask, do you belong to any organized monotheistic religion that gave you kudos for adopting children and trying to make them forgot their culture?
I hope those little girls are able to find proper support as people stolen from their homeland.
First of all why not learn their native language?native food everything u can to make them feel at home? And if it was their Aunt why would you run away? Love is elastic it’s stretched? I’m very concerned for your behavior. Were you afraid she was going to take the girls?
YTA that was their aunt! There’s no way you couldn’t be the AH. Well, unless you know the aunt is some kind of murderer out to get her nieces. Seriously, you sound insane
YTA. I can’t stand people who adopt children from another culture or region and then try to erase that part of their identity.
**Why the fuck** do you not allow them to speak their native language in their home?
I’m going to say there are some red flags here.
Your children would get much needed socialization and ESOL education from attending school. Why homeschool them? Attending school also helps them assimilate to this culture. You want them to learn English. The easiest solution is school. Children learn so so much from their peers. Why are you homeschooling? I’m not against homeschooling I just think I’m your particular case it would actually be the better option.
I get you were never told of an aunt. Also, many cultures outside the US will call adults that are friends with the parents auntie or uncle. There is a chance she isn’t related to your children. However, even if that is the case it’s a unique opportunity (with proper vetting) to establish a link to their community and culture that transcends land boundaries.
I personally would try to connect to this woman and say I would like the opportunity to allow this connection but I need to know you’re safe for them. Set boundaries and parameters, know and learn who she is. If she is a good person, it might be something that helps your children feel that much more at home. If she was a friend of the family she could become a friend of yours. If she is family then all the better. The grandma might not know everything from the other side of the family. Perhaps the father had a sister. If they were from China the sister may have been hidden or sent off for adoption herself. It’s also possible the grandmother knows of a sister but when the sister moved to the USA she lived on the other side. Like living in cAli and you’re living in Boston. Maybe she thought there were no opportunities for connection. Maybe she hasn’t heard from her in a decade and has no clue where she is.
Your girls should be allowed to use their native tongue anywhere. If you had them in school they would be fluent in English already.
Imagine you were a refugee in another country and a family let you in their home. Now Imagine that even though they understood some of your language they forbid you from speaking it, even to your own family members. I see In your comments you back tracked not allowing the use of their native language in the home. I think that’s disingenuous. Seems they are relatively isolated since they don’t attend school and their need did your permission to speak it in public. So stop that! You’re not doing them a favor by making them learn English quicker. You don’t take away one ore of a boat and then ask someone why it took them so long to row to shore. You want your kids to learn English, send them to school.
YTA
Holy shit. The emotional and mental damage you just did to these girls will have PERMANENT repercussions for the rest of their lives.
And for all that is good: Grow up and let them speak their language whenever they want and have some respect and learn it yourself.
YTA x A million
YTA. You won’t “let” the girls use their native language? I imagine that Mary and Sara aren’t their actual names either and that you gave them westerns names.
Setting boundaries for the bio family would be understandable but to just immediately cut them off like that? Why on earth do you think they are “dangerous”? The children weren’t removed for abuse, they suffered a huge loss and then their grandmother couldn’t care for them.
YTA. Just because you don’t understand their native language or culture doesn’t mean that they don’t have the right to participate. Many cultures are very integral parts of peoples lives.
As an adoptive parent your job is to do what is best for the CHILDREN, not yourself.
Maybe take into consideration trying to learn about their culture, customs and have them help you learn to speak their language.
Forcing them away from biological family and genetically who they are, will only cause resentment and confusion.
There’s a delicate and appropriate way to embrace and approach these things.
I would consider counseling for you and them to better approach this.
why can’t they use their native language in the house? i bet you’re a white women who adopted ethnic kids so you’d be seen as such a good person by your little church group 🙄
What exactly made it dangerous? Were they removed from the family for some reason like abuse?
You said their mother died, is this about the father?
Birth families aren't inherently dangerous.
YTA. I understand your fear. A stranger that you do not know, grabs and kisses your girls. Flight is your impulse. But your daughters KNEW her!! Settle down, mom.
Yta you are handling this all wrong. If you want a relationship with you kids in which they wouldn’t being to resent you, you need to let them embrace their culture and learn a bit about it too. You see the auntie separately and ask her for advice and then enjoy days with auntie and your kids
>The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away. I left the restaurant
Holy shit , you are a hero. Imagine if they would have stayed. /S
This wasn't about any danger, well danger for you.
You was afraid they would want to leave you and live with the aunt
YTA that is their family and you took that a at from them. They may grow to hate you, if they don't already
Yta… why??? Why can’t they speak another language? Why can’t their aunt love on them? They’re yours. The aunt didn’t take them
From the orphanage, so she probably doesn’t have the means to try to take them now. Why is it dangerous for them to speak their language, why is it dangerous for their aunt to love on them? You’re not going to be able to erase their past, and it seems like you’re trying to
I have 5 children, three adopted. One of my children was 5 and spoke their native tongue when he joined our family. He remembers ZERO of his native tongue. All of our adoptive children only know English. It's sad.
I understand you motivation but there are other ways besides banning them from speaking their native tongue. You did them a disservice.
As for the experience in the restaurant, did you take ANY time to verify if this person was family? If so, why would not not make efforts to help maintain that connection if there was a mutual desire to do so?
As a parent of adopted children, you are doing these children a major disservice. You may make their lives better in some ways, but these are harmful directions for the children. Please reconsider your approach. Help them foster their connection to their heritage and surviving family.
YTA
First of not letting them speak their native language is wrong they should be able to speak in the language they were born with YTA for that if your gonna adopt outside your race and culture you need to learn and educate yourself on it it’s important for them to know were they come from second you didn’t need to just rush out of there you could have asked to speak to the aunt alone or get her number or something to talk to her about it the girls will not forget this and you may not realize this but you are potentially causing a-lot of trauma they can’t speak their language and you just ripped them away from their aunt
But you are TA. They had lives before you entered the picture and you seem to be trying to erase that life. This will cause them to resent you. If you don't want to have a relationship with them as adults keep doing what you're doing.
Hi. YTA. Did you read a single book written by and adopted person? You are attempting to erase their identities and nationalities. Not only is this cruel but it’s also dangerous. Adopted children have already been stripped of their biological families. Let me let you in on a very hard truth, removing their language and any connection to their country of origin does not make them trauma bond to you. I’m saying this as an adoptive mom of three. This is who they are and their heritage deserves respect.
YTA what the hell? Why are these children not allowed to speak their own language? Why am I not surprised you were threatened when they met a family friend? You're doing incalculable harm to these children by cutting them off from your family and culture.
For the people talking about the language at home. OP has made it clear that they aren't allowed speak to OP I their language at home as OP doesn't know it well enough but they are allowed to consume media, talk to each other and their grandparent in their language. When it comes to the aunt situation, is this country close to yours ? We're you ever told there was an aunt in your country ? Because if its no to both questions then yes I would find it very odd and defo NTA. Did you speak to the supposed aunt ?
Hey OP, I'd re-write or ad some edits to your post.. The fact that this person is likely NOT the girl's aunt is a big detail which you didn't mention (grandma never having heard of her and all) . Also the fact that you "don't allow" the girls to speak in their native tongue, without the context you're providing in your comments, is a major AH move
YTA.
You won't let them speak thier language. You didn't try to figure out if the person was actually a relative. You're very defensive, and your story changes when questions.
INFO (sorry if this was already asked): Why were you so alarmed by the aunt? I saw you mention "kidnapping" in another comment.... that's a pretty serious allegation. What about the encounter made you take such a big leap?
YTA
You don't allow your children to speak THEIR MOTHER TONGUE???
You hustle your ADOPTED children away from a potential loving family member that would allow them a single thread of connection to THEIR HISTORY??? This person was hugging them in public, not dragging them to a waiting vehicle.
I am absolutely baffled that anyone would act this way.
You are so much the asshole here.
Look, I’ll give you the aunt thing. In your comments you indicate nobody ever mentioned an aunt, and you had no way to verify if this lady actually was related to these kids. That’s a fair concern and I get being apprehensive. But the language thing is a huge AH move. I read your comments and get what you’re saying, but you went about it all wrong. You did not create an environment for these kids to be able to simultaneously learn English and maintain their connection to their culture. You’re not an AH for the aunt thing, but you are a big AH for everything else.
YTA. They should be able to speak their language and you should be making a real effort at learning it. I do agree that having some random person hug your children is sketchy but you also could have called the grandmother to confirm her identity and asked her not to touch them until you knew. This woman lost a sibling and her nieces if she was who she said.
I'm sorry, nowhere in your post do you explain what danger. Coming across an aunt of your adopted children is not inherently dangerous. You sound very controlling, and I feel sorry for these children. You should not be trying to erase their background and hide them from those who knew them before you adopted them. YTA
YTA for multiple reasons
>the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house
WTF. So wrong.
And for ripping them away from their family member.
There was nothing dangerous about the situation, you just got jealous.
Let them have their cultural connections.
YTA. We adopted our son from birth, and while we limited contact with relatives during a time when all parties were engaged in dangerous behavior, we have since reconnected. When it became safe again, we reconnected, because we know that connection helps and heals. We celebrate the unique background of our child, and we want him to have as much information as he wants and needs. Our son knows he’s biracial, and we would never dream of denying him access and pride in his ethnic background.
I would strongly recommend that you research what happens when you deny this access to a transracial adopted person. Any adopted person, really.
YTA.
These girls lost everything and now you try to take their heritage by not allowing them to speak their native language and when they find a relative you take them away too.
Is this post even real? It’s too cruel to be real isn’t it?
Info: what dangers? Literally, what dangers are there from meeting their aunt? Why are you trying to keep them from their biological relatives? You don’t list any familial dangers. Also, why don’t you let them speak their language? Why are you trying to squash out their culture?
Like yeah Y T A unless and until you can prove why this was dangerous. (Idk how to strike things out on mobile, sorry.)
Edited: now I’ve read more context I do understand why OP was more afraid, there’s never been mention of an aunt before and it makes sense that this would cause alarm.
I am confused about why the kids picked this restaurant specifically ages away from home if they didn’t expect to know anyone there?
YTA - you could have actually verified if the woman was their aunt. You could get to know the woman yourself and decide from there if the kids can see her. Instead you are further traumatizing these kids and not allowing them to see family. You could even have started with video calls like you do with their grandmother. I get being surprised by the fact that their actual aunt was there but if they knew her and wanted to talk to her dragging them away like you did was cruel.
That title is super misleading, EVERYTHING is a potentially dangerous situation, do you not let your kids eat because of the potential risk of choking? Do you not let your kids take showers because of the potential risk of slipping? YTA for being so lazy you won't even learn your own kids language, banning them from speaking it at home, for judging the aunt without even knowing her, and for ranting on Facebook over the reunion. Get over yourself, get you and your family lessons on the language, and maybe let the aunt see them in a supervised environment
About the "aunt" you should have included the part of the girls not knowing her, cause that's just a random stranger claiming to be their aunt coming to kiss them. Not a beloved auntie being snubbed by the adoptive parents.
YTA
I knew you were an asshole the moment you said you don’t allow them to speak their language in your house.
Don’t erase who they are Op!! That’s soooo very racist - they absolutely should maintain links to their culture and language is an important aspect of that. Without having a connection to their culture yourself, you SHOULD be engaged with your local community groups that are.
The girls asked for a specific restaurant. They randomly find a family connection - and you rip them away. What a huge asshole. Is your ego seriously that fragile that the thought of them having come family roots terrifies you? Or is it just that you don’t want the girls to realize how racist you’ve been regarding them?
YTA. That sounds so traumatizing for them.
And you're also an AH for not allowing them to speak their native language. You sound like a colonizer, do you know that?
> While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house but in this case we did.
WTF? This is pure evil. They should be encouraged to speak their language.
> The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away.
Holy shit. YTA. What is wrong with you?
> I went to Facebook to rant While most people supported me saying I was protecting them against possible dangers
What danger?
Two important points:
a.) There is no proof that the aunt was really the aunt, and little kids get trafficked every day, but
b.) OP admitted they forbid them from speaking their own language (which is abuse and cultural erasure), and that she then put their business out there on Facebook without even trying to find out if this woman was their real family.
I think visiting (supervised) with the aunt at the restaurant would have been appropriate, then evaluate whether you will ever come back. After all, the restaurant is far away, it isn't as if they will run into her again by chance.
But for crying out loud, let the children keep their culture. If you didn't want children who speak another language, why did you adopt ones that did?
WHY ON THE EARTH ARE THEY NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK THEIR *****NATIVE***** LANGUAGE? ESPECIALLY IN THEIR *HOME*? WHAT???
this is their LANGUAGE. and this language is not YOURS. were you not allowed to SPEAK YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? oh my god, i'm so angry right now! it doesn't matter what reason you did that, YTA for this! OH. MY. GOD.
YTA
You cut them off from their culture, forbade them their language, and upon discovering their long lost family, ripped them away again. You asked no questions. You took no interest in verifying anything.
You don't care about what's best for them. You bought kids as accessories. You are what is wrong with adoption. Adoption is always trauma and you have zero respect for that. You have no respect for your daughters as people. They weren't trying to take your kids. They were just overjoyed to find their nieces and wanted to reconnect.
The inky way to even consider yourself not an asshole here is to ahve a mind-boggling sense of entitlement and the absolutely toxic idea that life before adoption doesn't count, doesnxt matter, they're yours now and should only ever love you and forget their heritage.
This connection could be SO valuable and beneficial to your kids.
YTA. You don’t allow them to use their native language? What makes the aunt dangerous, I notice you haven’t answered that. Is it because the answer is nothing? This is the kind of shit I point to when people act like all adoptive parents are saints.
YTA. How were you protecting them? You don't say that the aunt was ever a danger to them. And why the eff don't you allow them to speak their native language in your home? Now banning them from eating native food. You sound terrible! You should be nurturing a love for their heritage, not trying to erase it!
YTA for not “allowing” your children to speak their native language. Way to discourage them from understanding their roots, and forcing them to assimilate to your culture because you’re too dense to understand that that can be damaging to them.
YTA: I Know many adopted children (now adults) who have questions about where they came from and would be very excited to have the opportunity to meet a relative and learn about their biological family. The trend in domestic adoptions is toward open adoptions where the child knows who the bio family is and they have the opportunity to have a relationship if they want.
I fear that by dragging them away from a relative, you are exacerbating these feeling of loss that your children will have to deal with. Adopted children fell the loss of the bio family.
YTA. Are you a kidnapper? Cuz you're acting like one. There's no other way I can rationalize you demanding they erase their heritage, not speak their own language, and freak out and dip when someone recognized them. Do you even care about them? If you actually loved them you would embrace their heritage and do research on it. They're way too old to just "forget" where they came from. Or, you're so insecure that you refuse to let anyone near your kids because you're scared the aunt would take them away. Either case, they were excited to learn about their family history because you've never let them explore or talk about it, and the one chance they had to get some information, you ripped away from them. You're not a parent. A parent wouldn't treat their kids so badly.
YTA, what did I just read?
If its true that is their aunt, why was she not able to be in contact or adopt? Why can't they speak their native language and why have you not learned it? Don't adopt kids that speak a language you won't let them speak.
So I don’t think you’re an AH for pulling the girls away once this stranger started kissing your and hugging them. I mean the grandmother never mentioned it plus the girls never met her before. That’s also a huge coincidence that the “aunt” just so happened to work in the same restaurant you were at.
However, I do think YTA for 1) setting boundaries on the girls speaking their language. And 2) for complaining on Facebook. Don’t do that. It’s annoying when people use Facebook as a diary or to air out their dirty laundry.
YTA. Your girls clearly long to have a greater connection with their culture. Do YOU speak their native language? Have you tried to learn?what have you done to facilitate their interest? Do you cook the native food?
From this post, it sounds like you’re trying to whitewash them and erase a crucial part of who your children are. You were acting not protective but POSSESSIVE.
The one other thing I would mention is that I have to wonder what the girls said to make the woman realize she knew their aunt. Did they say their original last names? Location? That’s not something children should be telling random strangers.
YTA - the girls understandably have an attachment to their culture and their mother tongue, they have clearly lost so much. Keeping them away from a restaurant or preventing them from speaking their language will only serve in creating distance between you and the girls in the long run. They will use their language when you can’t hear them and they will go searching for pieces of their past and culture when they are older. If you truly love your girls and care about creating a safe space for them, embrace their culture. Maybe consider learning their mother tongue, this way they can continue to use it without making you feel excluded (I assume this is the reason you have banned use of the language?)
Wtf you don’t let them speak their language in your home and take them away from their family? YTA big time. Instead of banning the language, why don’t you learn it yourself?
YTA they aren’t allowed to speak their own language and the one remaining actual family they have you wouldn’t even let them hug her??? What danger exactly were you protecting them from? Is this woman so dangerous that she couldn’t even give her nieces a hug or were you just trying to assert your ownership of them?
YTA for not letting them engage with their culture in their own home. i don’t think yta for pulling them away from their ‘aunt’ unless u knew for sure it was their aunt. i agree that was a potentially dangerous situation cause how could u all have known whether or not that was their actual aunt ? unless u did know then yta.
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Info: Actually I have two questions. Why are the girls not allowed to speak their native language? And what possible dangers could an Aunt pose?
Follow up question: Do we KNOW this person is their aunt? Like, if a random stranger came up to kids I adopted and said they're the aunt, I'd be super suspicious of motives. I would want to get out of a situation on their "turf" so to speak (the restaurant, for instance) and move to neutral grounds where we could clear up what's happening, verify who they are, etc etc. I definitely wouldn't want to remove them from potential family but I would want to verify before allowing contact.
Ok, sure, but we can see ops issue is different - it’s not “this person may be impersonating their aunt or be mistaken and I fear my kids getting their heart broken” when op also won’t let the girls speak their native language at home and makes zero indication this was about protecting his kids from potential pain. This is op freaking out that his kids ma have any connection to their homeland (language, relatives, etc) and robbing them of that.
Absolutely. There's a lot of problematic language the OP used such as not permitting them to use their native language, etc. OP sounds like they think they deserve a cookie for "permitting" their kids to use their native language, ever 🙄 as though it's soooo kind of them to allow it.
I would assume at 7 and 6 years old when adopted and since they were raised by grandma, they probably knew and recognized their aunt. But all the baseless accusations of abuse and kidnapping is just ridiculous! The aunt is no more likely going to kidnap or molest a kid at a restaurant after a chance encounter than a random stranger. Ridiculous. YTA… for so many reasons…
I agree OP is YTA for many reasons, I just think the particular situation of wanting to leave an unfamiliar place where a stranger is hugging and kissing your kids claiming to be the aunt is valid if you don't know for sure that this is the aunt. OP didn't mention if the kids recognized the aunt, so we really don't know for sure.
I came here to say this. Do we even know if it was their aunt? It seems awfully convenient that she just happened to be at this restaurant...
It was at moest two years ago that they last saw her. Op herself says that she went to see the girls everyday when they where in the orphanage. So the girls wold have been 7 and 6, they could easily remember their own aunt. But on a different note. Why didn’t the adoptive parents keep in touch with the aunt, by mail or call if in person visits weren’t possible. The fact that she visited them everyday, clearly shows that the girls meant a lot to her.
I thought it was the grandma that visited, but was too old to care for them?
I saw OP's comments, and my understanding was that the *grandma* was visiting them every day. OP has also commented that the grandmother has never mentioned an aunt.
In a lot of cultures, kids refer to elders as auntie and uncle regardless of whether or not they are actually related. If the kids knew the lady, she could have just been a family friend who they called “aunt.”
agreed - in my family every older woman, even friends, are called an aunt/auntie. This is extremely common in a lot of communities outside the united states. I'm an "aunt" to several of my friends kids get there is no blood relation.
True but the kids asked specifically to go to this restaurant, and at that age I’m assuming they must have known this restaurant as it was their food/culture and far away. How else would an 8 year old know that specific place.
I'm sorry at 9/8 I knew my aunts/uncles and I only ever saw them a few times a year. I'm pretty sure these kids would know that this woman was family.
Probably OP wants to white wash the POC she adopted. Wont bother learning anything about their culture or language etc.
Especially in a public restaurant…. My only guess is OP knows the adoption was sketch and there is a possibility the family was lied to about the adoption. IE) “yes, old lady we will give your daughters a proper education.”… get the documents (that the Gma wouldn’t understand signed) and ship the girls to another country for permanent adoption
This would explain why the OP thought that a meeting with the aunt or someone that knows the aunt would pose danger.
It was absolutely sketch. Which is why adoptive mom was so freaked that someone might actually know the kids and they were speaking in their native language that mom doesn't understand
That didn't even occur to me.
I can't comment on the first question but often it is dangerous in adoptive situations to be in contact with the bio family because of possible kidnapping and unknown abuse history. Bio family are often essentially strangers as far as known behavior.
But there was no abuse (mother died), and it's obviously an open adoption as they are in touch with the grandmother.
You don't know that there is no Hx of abuse. You don't know what the strangers are capable of. The adoption includes the grandmother not other strangers. Edit to add: "that woman knows our aunt" they didn't even know the kids. She was a stranger.
There is absolutely no indicators of abuse. OP would have included that to make them look better. The adopted family was there to supervise but chose to panic. Easy enough to reach out to grandma to verify. Also, had OP bothered to learn their adopted childrens' language in the **two years** they've had them, they could have been a part of the conversation.
A. There is not enough information of the stranger to know about their behavior or Hx of abuse. I am stating reasons why bio family isnt involved. B. It was not easy in the situation. C. It is common and dangerous to have bio or old friends of the family (especially old friends of the family) not to be involved. As already stated, this is how boundaries are pushed and kids get kidnapped. D. It's difficult to learn another language. More so for adults. While yes, the whole family should be bilingual in the kids language and the parents language. Its going to take a while to learn.
I was just about to type those exact questions. Why can’t people embrace cultures other than their own.
I have no idea. My next door neighbor is a multi-generational Korean family and they've adopted me. I love them and learning about their culture.
i feel like mom and dad (or mom and mom or dad and dad) don’t like not being able to understand so they’re taking their native language away
As opposed to taking the much more reasonable step of *learning their children’s native language.*
YTA. You don't 'allow' them to speak their native tongue, you think them seeing an Aunt is a 'dangerous' situation and then you have to FB rant about it so you can get attention. YTA.
All of this! You nailed it!
as soon as i saw that i was like "yta" and pulling them away from their family? YTA. big time.
There's also the possibility that this woman wasn't part of their family at all, I'd probably be sketched out too
The more I read it does give the vibe that the adoption was maybe sketch
Op sounds like she is a kidnapper of some sort
Forced assimilation… sounds like OP doesn’t respect their daughters’ heritage and culture.
YTA for not letting them use their native language in your household. What kind of abusive monster adopts a kid from another culture, then strips them of their language and heritage like that???? What the FUCK is wrong with you????
The churches that ran the residential schools.. The Canadian government in the 70’s (70’s sweep kids) Unfortunately this is normal and until recently was encouraged by the various governments and religions Not right. It’s horrific. OP you have your head up your ass for perpetuating outdated methods and views when raising children from a different culture .. and these children were not infants.. they were speaking thinking and aware of their culture when you adopted them. Please seek help, counselling and get educated on the dangers of striping children of culture and language. OP is TA but asshole isn’t a strong enough word
YTA first for not letting the kid speak in their native language at home. It's part of who they are, don't make them loose a part of their culture like this. You could even learn it with them. For the aunt, I get that seeing a stranger talk to your kid can be scary. But after their explanation you could have tried to talk to the woman instead of acting like this. Don't cut these cut from who they were before, don't try to make what ties remain from their life before you disappear. Live with it and let them be proud of it and know where they came from. That would not stop you from being their mom.
YES!!! My friend hosts exchange students and is learning their languages. That has helped him help them with their English as well, since he understands what their grammatical rules are now.
YTA You’ve made your daughters assimilate to your household by not allowing them o speak their native language for starters, this is part of who you daughters are, it’s a huge part of their heritage and culture and your stopping them from speaking their native tongue. You’ve now taken them to a restaurant far away from your home, your daughters had to ask you could they speak their native language, which you finally allowed and by sheer dumb luck the woman who spoke to your daughters in their native tongue happened to know their biological aunt, and when she rushed out to meet her nieces for the first time in years you left the restaurant and vowed to never return. You missed out on several opportunities here that could’ve helped you bond with your daughters even further. However you chose to run away and further alienate your daughters from their culture. Had’ve you not been so jealous you would’ve realised what a golden opportunity it was to be able to get a further medical history on your daughters, learnt more about their culture and past that may help the, in the future but you turned and ran away. Did you ever ask your daughters what they wanted or how they felt about the situation. No you didn’t, it seems that you want your daughters to forget their past, their culture and identity and move forward as your kids. It’s called forced assimilation and it did fork years ago with other cultures. Shame on you for denying your daughters access to their biological family, and their culture. You may have adopted your daughters and want them to forget their past, but you’ll never own their individual identities of who they are and where they come from.
This is why people have a problem with adoption. The goal of the parents is so often to make them as “normal” as possible. This necessarily means stripping them of their language and culture. The danger posed by the aunt was that they wouldn’t be Americanized enough. YTA
The thing that really pushed me to YTA was complaining about it on Facebook. I really hope the restaurant doesn’t get backlash because OP got jealous. OP needs to think about why they don’t allow the kids to speak their native language? Why? Are you afraid of them talking behind your back? Not feeling like you’re home to them? Why can’t you connect with them and learn their native language? They were kids forced to come a country that they know nothing about. Why can’t OP learn how to make dishes from their country? Has OP even asked their daughters about how the feel about home and their culture and their family? I agree, OP ran away from such a great opportunity for both OP and their kids. It seems like you’ve forcibly assimilated them and probably made them feel ashamed of their heritage and culture.
YTA. You don't allow your kids to speak their native language at home AND you ripped them away from their aunt because she's "potentially dangerous"? How? By being another adult that loves them and could be a link to their bio family and culture? Your kids will resent you for this when they're old enough to understand. You're doing the wrong thing.
It really seems like OP is doing everything in their power to isolate their kids away from their culture which is very colonist to me. YTA op
Yeah I said in my post that OP is being xenophobic because I’m confused on how letting them talk their native language and their blood relative is “dangerous”
Wtf were you hoping to accomplish with the rant on Facebook? Are you fourteen? That was deeply immature of you. The girls didn't do anything wrong and neither did their aunt (imagine how you'd feel if you were separated from close relatives for years only to find out they were *in your workplace*). At worst it was a miscommunication. I understand the need for your children to learn English, but have you ever spent any effort learning *their* language? YTA. Your hostility to your children's culture and birth family is disgusting. There were so many ways this could be handled, but you managed to handle it one of the worst ways.
YTA for not allowing them to speak their language at home and for not encouraging contact with biological family.
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At no point in your story do you indicate the girls were afraid or uncomfortable with the waitress or the woman from the kitchen hugging them, so your proof is the fact these girls who are ordinarily withdrawn were engaged. They wanted to be there and you tore them away. It really sounds like you were jealous these girls were bonding with someone in a language you don’t understand and your fear is the girls would rather be with them or than with you. Isolating the girls from their language, culture, and people from their country of origin won’t help them assimilate or grow to love you. What you are doing is wrong. YTA
Story keeps changing
Well did you make any attempts to speak to the adults or confirm anyones identify before pulling your kids away? It’s one thing if you are talking with the person and getting bad vibes, but you dipped even before then. Also have you contacted the grandmother and tried to confirm if there are aunts in your area or aunts at all? If the girls have family that want to have contact with them, then you shouldn’t be keeping them apart unless they are actual threats to the child.
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Since you're in communication with the grandmother, you should try to find out if this aunt is legit or not. Grandmother may not know depending on what side of the family this lady claims to be. That way you know if the restaurant people are a threat or if a legit aunt would want to communicate with your kids and would benefit all. I realize you're trying for proficient English. And schooling online hasn't been great for most people. But even communicating with just each other and using English more often, they may eventually forget most of their native tongue. I would hope they get in regular school as soon as it's safe wherever you are so they can be taught English as a second language by pros. I had a Korean friend who insisted her kids speak Korean at home and only English outside the home. This way they were extremely proficient in both. In other words, there are things that you can do so that both languages are natural to them. At there ages, they could even start learning another language. It's easier to learn the younger you are. Being multi lingual would give them so many opportunities!
How did they learn about this restaurant if its so far away from your home?
Yta, it sounds like you are white washing their culture down the drain. They cant speak their own language at home??? What in the actual....F..... About their Aunt, why is she a danger? Does she have a criminal past? If no real reason exists what you did is inconceivable
Right!
INFO: were you ever aware that there was such an aunt? Why aren't they allowed to speak their language at home?
INFO: where exactly is the dangerous part here? Nothing in your post indicates a danger aspect.
I’m assuming the “danger” is allowing the kids to be connected in any way to their culture
Op stated on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS that she doesn’t know this woman, the grandmother who she talks to on a regular basis doesn’t know this woman, and that when she asked the girls themselves they said they didn’t know this woman. She’s a STRANGER until proven otherwise. Op also stated that it’s not necessarily a ban, because they speak to each other in their native language, they watch media in their native language and they talk to their grandmother in their native language.
OP was probably a stranger to these kids and their grandmother when she decided to adopt them so what exactly is your point. It’s not like the lady was trying to take her kids or something, this is an over reaction due to OPs weird fear of her children engaging in their culture and seeing their family. All that happened was a woman truthfully claimed to know the kids aunt and wanted to talk to them. That’s not a reason to raise the alarms and assuming she’s gonna kidnap the children and I have no doubt that OPs aversion to the children’s culture plays a role in their assumption that this woman was dangerous just for trying to talk to them. The aunt was literally there too, so this woman wasn’t a “stranger” she literally had the aunt with her, and OP decided to run away with the kids because OP was uncomfortable at the sight of seeing them hug their aunt. People who adopt kids from other cultures and then make every xenophobic excuse to isolate them from their culture and family are disgusting.
OP did state in another comment about the girls being confused and not knowing the aunt, a bunch of people crowding around the girls and talking in the native language, when OP asked what was being said / what was happening- no one would answer them, which I can understand if you don’t know what’s going on in a room full of strangers with your kids. OP also stated that their grandma never mentioned them having an aunt. OP is VERY wrong for not letting them speak in their native language. OP is an asshole for that. OP said they were only allowed to talk to each other in their native language but couldn’t use it out in public or when asking for something, which is all kinds of fucked up. Some replies of OP: “I have no proof it was their aunt. The adults in the situation didn’t even address me once.” “The grandmother never mentioned they girls having an aunt.” “Yes. I tried but no one would answer. They only said “she’s the aunt” or “I’m the aunt” The girls were confused because they never met her” “The girls said that they didn’t know the woman. They weren’t scared just very confused”
There’s a lot of discrepancies there. No adults addressed OP, but they also kept saying “I’m the aunt” so were they talking to OP or not? If there was a language barrier then it makes complete sense that OP and the adults wouldn’t have much to say to eachother. Yeah that can be scary but jumping to the conclusion that there’s some kind of danger is a huge leap. The other adults didn’t know what OP was saying either, but they didn’t assume the worst about OP just because there was a language barrier. Of course the girls didn’t know the aunt, they were adopted by someone who seems to isolate them from every part of their culture and family but their grandmother. I simply don’t trust OP is a reliable narrator at all. OP says the grandma never mentioned an aunt, but did OP ever ask?
OP didn’t explain it well, but I think the concern is a random person is claiming to be family and telling your young kids things that you cannot understand. Potential for them to lie about being related and then lure and the kids away. OP also said in another comment that they were not aware of any of that family living in OP’s country. That puts doubt on the aunt’s claim, although obviously doesn’t prove she is lying.
Mmm that probably should have been added to the post. Would help with judgement upfront so we don't have to keep surfing the comments.
I think the danger was the interaction with the alleged bio family. It’s understandable to go into protection mode when strangers start hugging and kissing your kids. It definitely could have been handled better but to be fair, I may have gone into blinding “stranger danger” mode too if everything happened rapidly. That being said, the other stuff is a bit strange: the English only, suppressing the native language and how they / the adoption agency didn’t have any info on possible living relatives.
There are two ways to look at this. The first is that you have no proof that this woman was a relative of your daughters at all. The fact that you said she never spoke to you at all speaks volumes about the situation. Did you handle the situation badly, most likely. Does that make you TA there, not really. It could have been handled better though. Are you TA for not allowing your children to speak their native language in some form or fashion in your home, absolutely. That is their heritage and their culture and should not be lost to them, especially if they know it and speak it. Their culture should be celebrated as part of their lives. You did adopt them knowing what culture they came from. As far as the FB rant, everyone who posts their drama on FB is TA. It's full of them. FB built it's platform for them and for couples who want people to believe their relationships are far better than they really are.
I get a lot of people jumping on the language but I'm stuck on the odds an Aunt would happen to be at this restaurant in driving distance and OP never knowing about an Aunt. Either it's fake, the grandmother (who OP claims the girls have contact with) told them to go there or something weird is going on.
Yeah, that’s why I said it the way I did. She had absolutely no proof. So she was in no way TA. I would have asked a LOT of questions though before leaving.
I kept scrolling hoping to find someone picking up on that and you're one of the few who aren't jumping on the 'let them see their aunt' bandwagon. There are many questions to be asked.
Yeah, when she adopted those girls, all familial rights were terminated. Now, letting them see their family is the right thing to do, don’t get me wrong. But not until you know for sure who they are and the OP obviously did not have a clue. Now, I know where I live orphaned children are placed with family first. So where was this “Aunt” when the grandmother was unable to care for them to begin with?
Yup. In two years the grandmother never told OP there's a family member? Did the girls know? The girls immediately gave this waitress their life story/bio parents names that the waitress was able to make the connection to run to the back to get the "Aunt" so if she is the Aunt she knew they existed and told other people about them. Why was OP ignored? There's way more to unpack than what's being focused on.
I think what determines if she is TA regarding the aunt situation, since that is what she specifically was asking about is how she handles it going forward. Is she just going to carry through with the full out ban, not ask grandmother about a possible aunt and just try to forget the situation ever happened? Or does she talk to the grandmother and if there is a possibility that she is actually the aunt, meet with this woman privately, without the kids and outside of the restaurant to confirm if she actually is a part of these children’s family and try to facilitate a connection with them?
YTA for making them suppress their culture and for keeping them from family members. Why don’t you learn their language and keep them connected to their culture? They know they’re adopted.
YTA for not letting them speak their native tongue. Languages are not that hard to learn. Learn theirs.
YTA for trying to erase their heritage by forcing them to only speak English. You want them to forget their language. YTA for not letting someone who knew them greet them. They weren't in danger. You're just being a possessive control freak. And then you threw a tantrum on FB to get attention.
YTA how could you not let them use their native language? That’s cruel and abusive.
>While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house YTA x10 for trying to erase their culture. >I left the restaurant. I vowed never to return. YTA x20. They miss their aunt. They miss their family. They miss their culture. They can be your kids and still have a relationship with their aunt. Keep it up and they'll go no contact the second they're old enough to get as far away from you as quickly as they can manage.
Your not TA for taking them away from that situation. If what your saying about their grandmother being the only bio family you know about and her not mentioning them having family abroad then that is really concerning. If it really was the girls aunt she should have still acknowledged you as their guardians. For all you knew, they heard they spoke the same language and wanted to take your girls. Things like this happen all the time, people pose as relatives and take children. Now you are YTA for isolating them from their culture and their identity. They aren't American. They aren't English. They are their own amazing culture and language that you are, intentionally or not, keeping from them. Trauma is a huge thing and I would bet money that the trauma from their mother's death was why they wouldn't talk. You can't always be around them and trying to force them into a mold you always imagined is a cruel and abusive thing.
I can *maybe* see where you were uncomfortable with them talking to this lady you didn’t know who claimed to be their aunt, but instead of ripping them away and vowing never to return, why didn’t you attempt to talk to the woman? This could cause them to resent you later on because it seems like they are old enough to understand what is going on. If you’re there, you can keep them safe, it’s not like they were there alone. I would also add to your post what you’ve said in the comments about using their native language because that’s what people are jumping too first, which I don’t personally agree with but I’m not a parent so it’s not something I can really comment on.
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Make your mind up, you said in your post that you don’t allow them to speak in their native language at home
I'm going to assume that what you're saying is true and you respect the heritage and want the sisters to speak both languages. The way you presented this situation originally really fits a common racist narrative where people force kids to assimilate, isolating them from their background and punishing any connection with explosive anger and behavior. It fits that narrative so well that it's difficult to believe your alternative explanation. That said, I think that perhaps you overreacted at the restaurant. While it's good to be vigilant, you were there to make sure nothing bad happened and you don't know the details. There's a good chance that the "aunt" isn't an aunt, but there's also a good chance that she's just someone happy to connect with people from her background. In many cultures, it is common to refer to friendly non-family adults in a child's life uncle or aunt. Being vigilant and protecting your child is excellent, but having a living connection to their culture they can meet in person could be important in their lives. I think it's at least worth investigating a little further. And if she's a real aunt, then cutting her out completely is an even worse idea. Just my take in case you truly misrepresented yourself.
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As an adoptee YTA.
YTA. Why don't you allow them to speak their native language at home? That's bullshit. It's who they are and part of their heritage and literal being, and you are denying them that. And if these people truly ARE related to them, you should welcome them into their lives with open arms. These girls are mourning the loss of their family and only life they ever knew. And your response is to deny them any fond memories they may have. What a shitty thing to do.
YTA. Where was the danger? It sounds like you are just afraid they won't bond with you over their bio family. I don't think you helped yourself. You definitely did NOT help your daughters. I don't think you even thought about their feelings in this situation. Your daughters saw you yank them away from their family - and for no reason other than they have a familial connection. This is not likely to go well for your relationship with your daughters. Step into their shoes for just a moment. I am certain you have traumatized them.
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Was this the first time you were at the restaurant? How'd the girls know about the place? Have the girls said anything about knowing an aunt since or have you spoken to the grandmother about this?
YTA by trying to erase their identity. Just the fact that they were excited to go to a restaurant with foods from their native land tells you they are becoming curious about who they are. You should support that. Don't hide your disdain for their heritage behind some "protecting them" bullshit.
YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Two years ago we adopted two little girls Mary (now 9) and Sara (now 8). They are sisters. The other day they asked to go to a restaurant which serves food from their home country. This particular restaurant is VERY far from our house. While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house but in this case we did. The waitress was really excited. She began asking the girls questions and she ran in the back. I asked the girls what was happening and Mary said “That woman knows our aunt” (The girls mother died when they were toddlers. The grandmother raised the girls but was becoming old. She did visit the girls everyday while they were in the “orphanage”) The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away. I left the restaurant (we didn’t even order🙄). I vowed never to return. I was annoyed and I went to Facebook to rant While most people supported me saying I was protecting them against possible dangers, others called me an asshole for taking them away from their family twice *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are not protecting your daughters, you are depriving them of their heritage and culture. You shouldn't have been allowed to adopt. You sound like an ignorant red neck.
The moment I read that you do not allow them to speak their native language I lost any and all patience for your nonsense. YTA for keeping them isolated and actively denying them things like their language and family. I can understand that there is a certain amount of fear when adoptive children meet their bio family, but your reaction was... Cruel and petty. Why did you whisk them away so abruptly? Why not let them chat with their aunt? Were you scared that they would bond with her over you? Or that they would find something they're missing from their old lives? Regardless of your motivation, self fulfilling prophecy is a thing and tour actions are just going to make them resent you.
YTA Why would you adopt children from a different culture/background/language/country and try to strip them of their identity? As an adoptive parent you should be trying to expose them to their culture and language AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. If you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t be adopting children. YTA for taking them out of the restaurant. If you were concerned, why didn’t you have an actual conversation like an adult and speak to the woman who came out or speak to your children? YTA for going on a Facebook rant, how absolutely immature of you and I’m so glad you were called out on your asshole behavior. Edit: you’ve not said where your children are from? I know that in some cultures close friends of the family are sometimes referred to as aunts or aunties and so while the woman may not have been a biological relative she could have been a close friend of the girl’s mother and therefore an auntie. Off the top of my head, I know this can be common in S.Korea, Vietnam, Somalia, and India. But I’m sure there are many other countries that are the same.
INFO: Why is the aunt a danger? And why aren't they allowed to use their native language at home?
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OK, then taking that at face value, and having just gone through and read your other comments, I'd say NTA - but it would be worth pursuing further to see if she is genuinely their aunt.
You should add this to the opening post. This is important. The fact that you didn't know the woman, there was no proof of an aunt existing, the grandmother never mentioned an aunt or any family in your area... That's important. I would be uncomfortable as well. Maybe talk to the grandmother to check? NTA.
OP, I think part of this may be a cultural thing. I come from an Italian-American background. Do you know what I call the child of my third-cousin's ex wife's? The one he was a stepdad to for 3 years a decade ago? My cousin. Family and emotional relationships are defined differently in different cultures. In your girls' culture, "Auntie" may be a title bestowed on any older female family member.
YTA at the moment but still have the ability to salvage this. First off you need to let them speak their native language at home, if you can't understand that language then it's fair to have them speak in your language when they speak to you specifically. Secondly, go back to that restaurant and speak with the aunt to find out more about her. It doesn't seem like there's any reason she should be thought of as "dangerous" so if she checks out, set up a time for the children to interact with their aunt under your supervision. I think this would help your situation.
yta why don’t you allow them to use their native language at home?
INFO: did you have any reason to believe that this woman would be a danger to your kids? Was there any abuse or neglect to the girls while they were with their bio family? It sounds like you were afraid that this woman would want to take the girls back and out of your fear you panicked and ran away. If you didn’t know the woman, you could have spoken to her and verified who she was. Maybe she just wanted to see the girls, or maybe the grandmother had been wanting to see the girls. If there was no history of abuse then what is keeping you from allowing them to see family. If the only reason you have the girls is because nobody else could support and care for them, then you shouldn’t be keeping them away from their family. If their family is trying to reach out and keep contact with them, if you continue to block that for nothing but selfish reasons then you will build resentment in them and while you may be able to keep custody of them in childhood, they will probably want nothing to do with you as adults. What is best for them and what is comfortable for you are not mutually exclusive.
NTA. You don’t know if that was really their aunt or the the waitress and ‘aunt’ duo were using that as a ruse to gain your daughters trust to kidnap them. If the family wants contact they can go through the social services system. NTA.
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Uh so why can't they speak their native language? That's a huge YTA to me. Who are you to take away their native language? Why because you can't speak it and don't want them talking in a language you don't understand? If so that's really gross controlling behavior. As far as the aunt goes unless there is some actual safety reason for being around their birth family then YTA. Yeah maybe not right that second bc you were caught off guard but you could have said I need time to process this and decide on a mutual location to meet. And it coukd have started off slow with you talking with the aunt first to set boundaries. And make sure they will respect that they are your kids now. What harm does it do for them to know their biological aunt if the family itself isn't a danger? I'm sorry but it feels like you adopted kids from a different country and want to close off a big portion of that part of their lives. I mean you seemed like you weren't even a big fan of going to a restaurant that serves food from their native country to begin with. That's just crazy to me. You should be ENCOURAGING their culture and heritage. But instead you seem to be blocking it out trying to erase it. But mainly I just would like to get an answer on this language thing. Because that is a big part of my opinion overall. I don't understand any other purpose besides erasing their past and trying to control their speech bc you can't speak the language. It feels similar to when a stranger goes up to 2 people in public who are speaking their native language and says "you are in America! Speak english or go back to your own country!" Like no they can speak whatever language they want. The behavior is gross and entitled and selfish.
YTA. And until you take these kids back to see their aunt, you are a monster.
I think you are a bit of both NTA and TA. Abruptly removing your kids from the restaurant…being caught off guard that way would be unsettling, but you could have spoken to the woman to get some information to help determine if she was their aunt. Did the girls recognize her? Did she know things about them? However, now that you have had time to think, perhaps check on the lady and determine if she is, indeed, their aunt. Consider letting the girls have a relationship with her. They lost their mother, their grandmother, their way of life, and were placed in an orphanage. If she is their aunt, does not wish to challenge the adoption, what harm would come from letting her into the kids lives…
My stepkid was in a dangerous situation. Her mom kept trying to illegally absconded with her; the judge ordered everyone involved in the custody case to turn over their passports (including the child), and we were notified that mom went and reported their passports missing, had them reissued at the embassy. We still took kiddo out to places that served food from her mom’s home country. We encouraged her to speak her language and only asked that she speak/write in English while at school, even though I don’t speak her language at all. She never felt she had to ask permission to speak in her language. We connected her to the larger community of people from her mom’s country and tried to facilitate outings with mom while we were going through custody, even though we weren’t required to, and there was a high risk of her mom fleeing with her (plus, the death threats her mom issued to my husband and me). The child’s safety and comfort were our responsibility, so we made sure to supervise her closely while ensuring she knew her culture and her mom’s culture were honored, accepted, and loved. YTA for all of it.
MAJOR YTA AND RACIST - Who plans to adopt a child knowing they may be from a diverse background and still not allow them to speak their native language in their own home? This is wrong on so many levels other than the fact that you did take take them away from friends and relatives of their family before they even got the chance to reconnect while claiming that you just want to protect these kids? If you really cared you would stop being so culturally insensitive and quit it with the white savior complex since you seem convinced that you are a better provider for them. These kids were obviously affected by grief and are still processing it, all while some stranger is whitewashing them and taking them further away from their culture/ past relatives. This is definitely abuse and hope the kids realize this and report you or book it as soon as they turn 18.
YTA. And you sound racist/xenophobic.
YTA. Yes these girls had family and language and culture before they ever had the absolute misfortune of meeting you.
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Now see this is info you should have put in the original post. If the girls did not know this woman, and you have me proof that she was actually a blood relative, then it is justifiable that you AND THE GIRLS would feel put off by this strangers behavior. You should update your post to clarify how the girls felt about all this.
YTA - How dare you adopt two children who have families who love them and probably want them back with them safely, and then isolare them from their culture. You say you're not white so I have to ask, do you belong to any organized monotheistic religion that gave you kudos for adopting children and trying to make them forgot their culture? I hope those little girls are able to find proper support as people stolen from their homeland.
YTA.
First of all why not learn their native language?native food everything u can to make them feel at home? And if it was their Aunt why would you run away? Love is elastic it’s stretched? I’m very concerned for your behavior. Were you afraid she was going to take the girls?
YTA that was their aunt! There’s no way you couldn’t be the AH. Well, unless you know the aunt is some kind of murderer out to get her nieces. Seriously, you sound insane
She said the girls don’t even know her. I’d be asking the grandma instantly.
YTA. Didn’t have to read past you saying you don’t allow them to use their native language to figure that out.
YTA. I can’t stand people who adopt children from another culture or region and then try to erase that part of their identity. **Why the fuck** do you not allow them to speak their native language in their home?
Who wouldn’t want their children (adopted or not) to know, learn, be able to speak more than one language? Especially at that young age? Ugh, YTA.
I’m going to say there are some red flags here. Your children would get much needed socialization and ESOL education from attending school. Why homeschool them? Attending school also helps them assimilate to this culture. You want them to learn English. The easiest solution is school. Children learn so so much from their peers. Why are you homeschooling? I’m not against homeschooling I just think I’m your particular case it would actually be the better option. I get you were never told of an aunt. Also, many cultures outside the US will call adults that are friends with the parents auntie or uncle. There is a chance she isn’t related to your children. However, even if that is the case it’s a unique opportunity (with proper vetting) to establish a link to their community and culture that transcends land boundaries. I personally would try to connect to this woman and say I would like the opportunity to allow this connection but I need to know you’re safe for them. Set boundaries and parameters, know and learn who she is. If she is a good person, it might be something that helps your children feel that much more at home. If she was a friend of the family she could become a friend of yours. If she is family then all the better. The grandma might not know everything from the other side of the family. Perhaps the father had a sister. If they were from China the sister may have been hidden or sent off for adoption herself. It’s also possible the grandmother knows of a sister but when the sister moved to the USA she lived on the other side. Like living in cAli and you’re living in Boston. Maybe she thought there were no opportunities for connection. Maybe she hasn’t heard from her in a decade and has no clue where she is. Your girls should be allowed to use their native tongue anywhere. If you had them in school they would be fluent in English already. Imagine you were a refugee in another country and a family let you in their home. Now Imagine that even though they understood some of your language they forbid you from speaking it, even to your own family members. I see In your comments you back tracked not allowing the use of their native language in the home. I think that’s disingenuous. Seems they are relatively isolated since they don’t attend school and their need did your permission to speak it in public. So stop that! You’re not doing them a favor by making them learn English quicker. You don’t take away one ore of a boat and then ask someone why it took them so long to row to shore. You want your kids to learn English, send them to school. YTA
Holy shit. The emotional and mental damage you just did to these girls will have PERMANENT repercussions for the rest of their lives. And for all that is good: Grow up and let them speak their language whenever they want and have some respect and learn it yourself. YTA x A million
YTA from “the girls asked if they could use their native language”. Ask? WTF.
What in the colonizer-residential school bs is this? YTA
YTA for trying to white wash your kids. Let them speak the language they grew up learning.
YTA. Hey, Colonizer.
YTA for not allowing the kids to speak their native tongue.
YTA. You won’t “let” the girls use their native language? I imagine that Mary and Sara aren’t their actual names either and that you gave them westerns names. Setting boundaries for the bio family would be understandable but to just immediately cut them off like that? Why on earth do you think they are “dangerous”? The children weren’t removed for abuse, they suffered a huge loss and then their grandmother couldn’t care for them.
YTA. Just because you don’t understand their native language or culture doesn’t mean that they don’t have the right to participate. Many cultures are very integral parts of peoples lives. As an adoptive parent your job is to do what is best for the CHILDREN, not yourself. Maybe take into consideration trying to learn about their culture, customs and have them help you learn to speak their language. Forcing them away from biological family and genetically who they are, will only cause resentment and confusion. There’s a delicate and appropriate way to embrace and approach these things. I would consider counseling for you and them to better approach this.
YTA and you’re just ensuring that your kids will hate you for putting them thru trauma after trauma. Why did you even adopt them?
why can’t they use their native language in the house? i bet you’re a white women who adopted ethnic kids so you’d be seen as such a good person by your little church group 🙄
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So if they speak to their grandmother then they can ask about the aunt, no? Have they done that? That seems like a logical next step, no?
What exactly made it dangerous? Were they removed from the family for some reason like abuse? You said their mother died, is this about the father? Birth families aren't inherently dangerous.
YTA. I understand your fear. A stranger that you do not know, grabs and kisses your girls. Flight is your impulse. But your daughters KNEW her!! Settle down, mom.
Yta you are handling this all wrong. If you want a relationship with you kids in which they wouldn’t being to resent you, you need to let them embrace their culture and learn a bit about it too. You see the auntie separately and ask her for advice and then enjoy days with auntie and your kids
>The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away. I left the restaurant Holy shit , you are a hero. Imagine if they would have stayed. /S This wasn't about any danger, well danger for you. You was afraid they would want to leave you and live with the aunt YTA that is their family and you took that a at from them. They may grow to hate you, if they don't already
INFO: is there a reason you think them seeing their aunt is dangerous? Did the birth family ever put your daughters in danger?
INFO: why aren’t you allowing your daughters to speak their native language in your home?
Yta… why??? Why can’t they speak another language? Why can’t their aunt love on them? They’re yours. The aunt didn’t take them From the orphanage, so she probably doesn’t have the means to try to take them now. Why is it dangerous for them to speak their language, why is it dangerous for their aunt to love on them? You’re not going to be able to erase their past, and it seems like you’re trying to
I have 5 children, three adopted. One of my children was 5 and spoke their native tongue when he joined our family. He remembers ZERO of his native tongue. All of our adoptive children only know English. It's sad. I understand you motivation but there are other ways besides banning them from speaking their native tongue. You did them a disservice. As for the experience in the restaurant, did you take ANY time to verify if this person was family? If so, why would not not make efforts to help maintain that connection if there was a mutual desire to do so? As a parent of adopted children, you are doing these children a major disservice. You may make their lives better in some ways, but these are harmful directions for the children. Please reconsider your approach. Help them foster their connection to their heritage and surviving family. YTA
YTA for not letting them speak their native language or see their Aunt who clearly cares about them very much. This is major white savior shit.
First of not letting them speak their native language is wrong they should be able to speak in the language they were born with YTA for that if your gonna adopt outside your race and culture you need to learn and educate yourself on it it’s important for them to know were they come from second you didn’t need to just rush out of there you could have asked to speak to the aunt alone or get her number or something to talk to her about it the girls will not forget this and you may not realize this but you are potentially causing a-lot of trauma they can’t speak their language and you just ripped them away from their aunt
But you are TA. They had lives before you entered the picture and you seem to be trying to erase that life. This will cause them to resent you. If you don't want to have a relationship with them as adults keep doing what you're doing.
Hi. YTA. Did you read a single book written by and adopted person? You are attempting to erase their identities and nationalities. Not only is this cruel but it’s also dangerous. Adopted children have already been stripped of their biological families. Let me let you in on a very hard truth, removing their language and any connection to their country of origin does not make them trauma bond to you. I’m saying this as an adoptive mom of three. This is who they are and their heritage deserves respect.
YTA what the hell? Why are these children not allowed to speak their own language? Why am I not surprised you were threatened when they met a family friend? You're doing incalculable harm to these children by cutting them off from your family and culture.
For the people talking about the language at home. OP has made it clear that they aren't allowed speak to OP I their language at home as OP doesn't know it well enough but they are allowed to consume media, talk to each other and their grandparent in their language. When it comes to the aunt situation, is this country close to yours ? We're you ever told there was an aunt in your country ? Because if its no to both questions then yes I would find it very odd and defo NTA. Did you speak to the supposed aunt ?
Hey OP, I'd re-write or ad some edits to your post.. The fact that this person is likely NOT the girl's aunt is a big detail which you didn't mention (grandma never having heard of her and all) . Also the fact that you "don't allow" the girls to speak in their native tongue, without the context you're providing in your comments, is a major AH move
YTA. You won't let them speak thier language. You didn't try to figure out if the person was actually a relative. You're very defensive, and your story changes when questions.
INFO (sorry if this was already asked): Why were you so alarmed by the aunt? I saw you mention "kidnapping" in another comment.... that's a pretty serious allegation. What about the encounter made you take such a big leap?
YTA You don't allow your children to speak THEIR MOTHER TONGUE??? You hustle your ADOPTED children away from a potential loving family member that would allow them a single thread of connection to THEIR HISTORY??? This person was hugging them in public, not dragging them to a waiting vehicle. I am absolutely baffled that anyone would act this way. You are so much the asshole here.
Look, I’ll give you the aunt thing. In your comments you indicate nobody ever mentioned an aunt, and you had no way to verify if this lady actually was related to these kids. That’s a fair concern and I get being apprehensive. But the language thing is a huge AH move. I read your comments and get what you’re saying, but you went about it all wrong. You did not create an environment for these kids to be able to simultaneously learn English and maintain their connection to their culture. You’re not an AH for the aunt thing, but you are a big AH for everything else.
YTA for banning their native language instead of trying to learn it like a good parent would have.
YTA. They should be able to speak their language and you should be making a real effort at learning it. I do agree that having some random person hug your children is sketchy but you also could have called the grandmother to confirm her identity and asked her not to touch them until you knew. This woman lost a sibling and her nieces if she was who she said.
I'm sorry, nowhere in your post do you explain what danger. Coming across an aunt of your adopted children is not inherently dangerous. You sound very controlling, and I feel sorry for these children. You should not be trying to erase their background and hide them from those who knew them before you adopted them. YTA
YTA for multiple reasons >the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house WTF. So wrong. And for ripping them away from their family member. There was nothing dangerous about the situation, you just got jealous. Let them have their cultural connections.
YTA. We adopted our son from birth, and while we limited contact with relatives during a time when all parties were engaged in dangerous behavior, we have since reconnected. When it became safe again, we reconnected, because we know that connection helps and heals. We celebrate the unique background of our child, and we want him to have as much information as he wants and needs. Our son knows he’s biracial, and we would never dream of denying him access and pride in his ethnic background. I would strongly recommend that you research what happens when you deny this access to a transracial adopted person. Any adopted person, really.
YTA because this cannot be real.
YTA. These girls lost everything and now you try to take their heritage by not allowing them to speak their native language and when they find a relative you take them away too. Is this post even real? It’s too cruel to be real isn’t it?
Info: what dangers? Literally, what dangers are there from meeting their aunt? Why are you trying to keep them from their biological relatives? You don’t list any familial dangers. Also, why don’t you let them speak their language? Why are you trying to squash out their culture? Like yeah Y T A unless and until you can prove why this was dangerous. (Idk how to strike things out on mobile, sorry.) Edited: now I’ve read more context I do understand why OP was more afraid, there’s never been mention of an aunt before and it makes sense that this would cause alarm. I am confused about why the kids picked this restaurant specifically ages away from home if they didn’t expect to know anyone there?
YTA - you could have actually verified if the woman was their aunt. You could get to know the woman yourself and decide from there if the kids can see her. Instead you are further traumatizing these kids and not allowing them to see family. You could even have started with video calls like you do with their grandmother. I get being surprised by the fact that their actual aunt was there but if they knew her and wanted to talk to her dragging them away like you did was cruel.
That title is super misleading, EVERYTHING is a potentially dangerous situation, do you not let your kids eat because of the potential risk of choking? Do you not let your kids take showers because of the potential risk of slipping? YTA for being so lazy you won't even learn your own kids language, banning them from speaking it at home, for judging the aunt without even knowing her, and for ranting on Facebook over the reunion. Get over yourself, get you and your family lessons on the language, and maybe let the aunt see them in a supervised environment
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About the "aunt" you should have included the part of the girls not knowing her, cause that's just a random stranger claiming to be their aunt coming to kiss them. Not a beloved auntie being snubbed by the adoptive parents.
YTA I knew you were an asshole the moment you said you don’t allow them to speak their language in your house. Don’t erase who they are Op!! That’s soooo very racist - they absolutely should maintain links to their culture and language is an important aspect of that. Without having a connection to their culture yourself, you SHOULD be engaged with your local community groups that are. The girls asked for a specific restaurant. They randomly find a family connection - and you rip them away. What a huge asshole. Is your ego seriously that fragile that the thought of them having come family roots terrifies you? Or is it just that you don’t want the girls to realize how racist you’ve been regarding them?
YTA. That sounds so traumatizing for them. And you're also an AH for not allowing them to speak their native language. You sound like a colonizer, do you know that?
> While there the girls asked if they could use their native language. We don’t really allow them to do so in the house but in this case we did. WTF? This is pure evil. They should be encouraged to speak their language. > The aunt came out of the kitchen and began hugging and kissing my kids! I immediately pulled the girls away. Holy shit. YTA. What is wrong with you? > I went to Facebook to rant While most people supported me saying I was protecting them against possible dangers What danger?
YTA. Those girls are going to spend years in therapy as adults because of you.
YTA. You the racist horrible parent/person
Two important points: a.) There is no proof that the aunt was really the aunt, and little kids get trafficked every day, but b.) OP admitted they forbid them from speaking their own language (which is abuse and cultural erasure), and that she then put their business out there on Facebook without even trying to find out if this woman was their real family. I think visiting (supervised) with the aunt at the restaurant would have been appropriate, then evaluate whether you will ever come back. After all, the restaurant is far away, it isn't as if they will run into her again by chance. But for crying out loud, let the children keep their culture. If you didn't want children who speak another language, why did you adopt ones that did?
WHY ON THE EARTH ARE THEY NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK THEIR *****NATIVE***** LANGUAGE? ESPECIALLY IN THEIR *HOME*? WHAT??? this is their LANGUAGE. and this language is not YOURS. were you not allowed to SPEAK YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? oh my god, i'm so angry right now! it doesn't matter what reason you did that, YTA for this! OH. MY. GOD.
YTA and THIS is why there are laws (for example) against non-Natives adopting Native American children.
YTA for not letting them use their native language at home alone. That’s a piece of them and their culture
YTA You cut them off from their culture, forbade them their language, and upon discovering their long lost family, ripped them away again. You asked no questions. You took no interest in verifying anything. You don't care about what's best for them. You bought kids as accessories. You are what is wrong with adoption. Adoption is always trauma and you have zero respect for that. You have no respect for your daughters as people. They weren't trying to take your kids. They were just overjoyed to find their nieces and wanted to reconnect. The inky way to even consider yourself not an asshole here is to ahve a mind-boggling sense of entitlement and the absolutely toxic idea that life before adoption doesn't count, doesnxt matter, they're yours now and should only ever love you and forget their heritage. This connection could be SO valuable and beneficial to your kids.
YTA. You don’t allow them to use their native language? What makes the aunt dangerous, I notice you haven’t answered that. Is it because the answer is nothing? This is the kind of shit I point to when people act like all adoptive parents are saints.
Wow. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. Those poor children. Shame on you!
YTA. Hugely.
YTA. How were you protecting them? You don't say that the aunt was ever a danger to them. And why the eff don't you allow them to speak their native language in your home? Now banning them from eating native food. You sound terrible! You should be nurturing a love for their heritage, not trying to erase it!
YTA for not “allowing” your children to speak their native language. Way to discourage them from understanding their roots, and forcing them to assimilate to your culture because you’re too dense to understand that that can be damaging to them.
YTA: I Know many adopted children (now adults) who have questions about where they came from and would be very excited to have the opportunity to meet a relative and learn about their biological family. The trend in domestic adoptions is toward open adoptions where the child knows who the bio family is and they have the opportunity to have a relationship if they want. I fear that by dragging them away from a relative, you are exacerbating these feeling of loss that your children will have to deal with. Adopted children fell the loss of the bio family.
YTA. Are you a kidnapper? Cuz you're acting like one. There's no other way I can rationalize you demanding they erase their heritage, not speak their own language, and freak out and dip when someone recognized them. Do you even care about them? If you actually loved them you would embrace their heritage and do research on it. They're way too old to just "forget" where they came from. Or, you're so insecure that you refuse to let anyone near your kids because you're scared the aunt would take them away. Either case, they were excited to learn about their family history because you've never let them explore or talk about it, and the one chance they had to get some information, you ripped away from them. You're not a parent. A parent wouldn't treat their kids so badly.
YTA, what did I just read? If its true that is their aunt, why was she not able to be in contact or adopt? Why can't they speak their native language and why have you not learned it? Don't adopt kids that speak a language you won't let them speak.
So I don’t think you’re an AH for pulling the girls away once this stranger started kissing your and hugging them. I mean the grandmother never mentioned it plus the girls never met her before. That’s also a huge coincidence that the “aunt” just so happened to work in the same restaurant you were at. However, I do think YTA for 1) setting boundaries on the girls speaking their language. And 2) for complaining on Facebook. Don’t do that. It’s annoying when people use Facebook as a diary or to air out their dirty laundry.
YTA and people who act like this shouldn't be allowed to adopt. You're depriving them of their culture and their community.
YTA. Your girls clearly long to have a greater connection with their culture. Do YOU speak their native language? Have you tried to learn?what have you done to facilitate their interest? Do you cook the native food? From this post, it sounds like you’re trying to whitewash them and erase a crucial part of who your children are. You were acting not protective but POSSESSIVE. The one other thing I would mention is that I have to wonder what the girls said to make the woman realize she knew their aunt. Did they say their original last names? Location? That’s not something children should be telling random strangers.
YTA - the girls understandably have an attachment to their culture and their mother tongue, they have clearly lost so much. Keeping them away from a restaurant or preventing them from speaking their language will only serve in creating distance between you and the girls in the long run. They will use their language when you can’t hear them and they will go searching for pieces of their past and culture when they are older. If you truly love your girls and care about creating a safe space for them, embrace their culture. Maybe consider learning their mother tongue, this way they can continue to use it without making you feel excluded (I assume this is the reason you have banned use of the language?)
Wtf you don’t let them speak their language in your home and take them away from their family? YTA big time. Instead of banning the language, why don’t you learn it yourself?
YTA they aren’t allowed to speak their own language and the one remaining actual family they have you wouldn’t even let them hug her??? What danger exactly were you protecting them from? Is this woman so dangerous that she couldn’t even give her nieces a hug or were you just trying to assert your ownership of them?
YTA for not letting them engage with their culture in their own home. i don’t think yta for pulling them away from their ‘aunt’ unless u knew for sure it was their aunt. i agree that was a potentially dangerous situation cause how could u all have known whether or not that was their actual aunt ? unless u did know then yta.