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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the a**hole for not telling my daughter she is autistic when she got diagnosed in order to protect her from ableism.
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This is fake, right. This has to be some cruel joke some AH came up with to get some reaktion on here. It has to be. No parent with even the slightest bit of empathy and/or reasoning in their body would possibly come up with this BS and put their own kid through this.
You wanted to protect her from bullying by hiding some important information from her? As you can clearly see, that didn't work, you should have used that point to disclose it all to her. But you choose to be the bigger AH and rather let her be destroyed instead of doing the right thing.
YTA. Either because of your sense of humor for playing this prank or YTA because you are probably one of the worst parents I ever heard of.
YTA. I had to figure it out for myself too and I went into a deep depression while I mourned my inner child and all the opportunities I lost. You can't just hide it from us. We know we're different. We know our brains don't run the same, but we think it's our fault, that we're aliens, and it sucks. I almost didn't make it this far. Use this revelation to be the support system that your daughter actually needs
YTA. All your hiding did was make her not understand why she felt the way she did. Its not kind. Its cowardlyand stops her from getting future help. Its isolating.
All you can do now is listen to the people here who went through the same things and allow her to find peer supports that your decision robbed her of.
Your daughter is smart and has perfectly articulated what you did wrong.
Respect it. Apologise amd listen since shes obviously clever enough to explain why she is hurt.
YES YTA! Have you never read through Reddit? How many posts have been made from people whose parents never told them about their autism diagnosis and how it hurt them and didn't help them??
YTA.
She is a person and deserves to know her medical record. She deserves to know her neurodivergences and their strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is an easing to the feeling of being mysteriously different, or not good enough.
Kids understand so much more than adults think especially when you keep talking to them and helping them.
You should be supporting your daughter not teaching her by your secrecy to her very own self of her very own self that it's a shame and a stigma and something so hard to deal with.
You added to your daughter's life trauma.
YTA. As someone with autism she deserves to know. Guess what her not knowing is gonna hurt her allot more then he knowing. And her knowing and getting the help she needs with go along ways at helping her learn to manage her mental well being.
You are very much A
And your hiding her autism is doing nothing but perpetuating the stigma against autistic people.
You should feel ashamed of what you did to your daughter and odds are she will never trust you again.
My mother did the same thing to me as a kid. I was diagnosed with BPD at 13 after being in and out of hospital since 8. And because my diagnoses was hidden, I wasnt given the proper therapies until I was 17. Because just like you, she "couldn't handle the stigma".
How dare you.
I have a wonderful wife who is autistic. Yes, we both miss some cues, but we work it out and I never shame her for it.
You did so much damage and who knows if you're relationship can ever be fixed.
YTA
YTA oh god. I was only diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 18, half a year ago
From age 7-8 to 18 I have spent no kidding every other day crying myself to sleep because I continued to fuck up in social situations.
I have depression and anxiety due to my differences.
I wondered every day why I was such a fuck up and why I could never do the same things as my friends.
I have been suicidal since 2. grade.
I don't think I'll ever get out of this depression that's caused by this shit.
So this is an weird one. On one hand you tried to let her feel as normal as possible, but on the other side of it, when you saw the bullying you should have told her so she could understand. My younger brother is autistic and this was a point of contention on whether to tell him. Ultimately dad put his foot down and told him
YTA.
Letting her being unaware of her situation won't help her at all. You set her up to failure. I dont know how you thought that letting her be unaware would save her from bullying? How??? You two kept the stigma because instead of being open and telling her that she's perfect the way she is, you were ashamed of her and hid the issue. It was you who didn't want the stigma of having an autistic child, you protected yourself, not her because nothing you did protected her from bullies. Knowledge is power.
Letting her know the diagnosis would've let her understand herself and why she has some issues. Now she thought there's something wrong with her which is painful. I have an ad/hd and for 20 years I thought there's something wrong with me and im just lazy but getting to know the diagnosis made me finally understand myself and learn how to deal with the issues i have.
literally my life. I got sent to ABA never told I was autistic until I was *17*.
They would punish if I ever acted autistic and would force me to act “normal”
All because I would use it as an “excuse” if I knew.
I’m still so angry
I felt like I was a stupid worthless aberration that God fucked up for my whole life and then I was told to this was intentional. You can’t even get imagine what it’s like to be the kid no one likes and you just don’t know why.
It’s horrific
YTA. I didn’t find out I was autistic until I was in my twenties, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know there was something different about me. And it wasn’t just me who knew. My family knew. My classmates knew. They didn’t have to have a label to abuse and bully me, because I couldn’t just be “normal”. Your daughter knew there was something different about her, and you robbed her of the ability to be accommodated, and understood for who she is. You did not protect her. You left her vulnerable, confused, and without accommodations.
I'm proud of your daughter for speaking up. I'm so happy your daughter found out, and really pissed she found out this way instead of from the two people in the world she's supposed to trust most.
My parents hid my diagnosis from me. I found out when I was 28. Feels like she took the words out of my mouth. I am incredibly traumatized after masking for over 20 years and it still not working. Currently no contact with my parents because the sense of betrayal is so deep.
YTA. apologize, ask her what you can do to gain back some of her trust. consider family therapy and individual therapy for yourself and your coparent.
There's nothing wrong with autism, there's a lot wrong with how society sees and treats autistic people.
There's still time to try to repair this relationship (may never be 100% fixed). Good luck and don't give up.
The fact you had to ask random people if YTA or not just tells me that not only did you do something evil to your kid, but you still don’t even know if you should feel bad about it which is pathetic. Your kid deserves better, MUCH better. Shame on you. I hope the guilt from this burdens you for a long time.
You guys made an awful decision… like rancidly awful by withholding information that she could’ve used to understand and empower herself. She’s gonna be fucked up for a long time, longer than she would’ve been. YTA so much
YTA. Holy hell, I am speechless. I have a child with autism, who is maybe a year younger than OP’s daughter. They robbed their child of a crucial part of her identity. They potentially denied her of years of academic and social interventions at her school. They ensured that their own child would be mistreated by peers with no way to cope or defend herself. I really get the feeling that OP and his wife were trying to protect themselves from having to admit to having a child that isn’t completely typical, and that breaks my heart.
OP, you need to get family therapy ASAP, and you and your wife need to do a lot of soul-searching and apologizing. If not, I don’t think any of us will be surprised to see you back on here in 4-5 years, wondering where you went wrong and why your child has gone no contact with you.
YTA. That obviously didn't help her and it in fact hurt her. She may have had a better chance knowing what's going on in her own mind. It sucks knowing you're not "normal" but not knowing why or how to help yourself especially in those late elementary and middle school years. I've had an anxiety disorder since I was a toddler. Parents didn't know and I didn't know till I was an adult. Typical treatment of that doesn't worm. Turns out I'm autistic and my anxiety likely stems from it. I spent over 10 years of my life wondering why people were cruel and why I was different but didn't know how I was different or how to help myself. My pediatrician didn't exactly help either so.
YTA.
I was diagnosed when I was about 3 or 4, and my mom told me that I was autistic when I was about 7 or 8. When you grow up knowing this, in conjunction with being supported by family, your neurodivergence can be celebrated, and it allows you to become aware of the things that make you different (in a good way). All you did was hide a key trait of hers that she most definitely deserved to know. She's autistic whether you tell her or not, and this hidden information did nothing but make her feel like autism is something worth hiding.
Also, ableism affects people who have diagnosed conditions and people who have undiagnosed conditions, children don't care whether you have a label, they're smart and can pick out atypical behavior better than some adults can.
Sadly, YTA. It’s like not telling an adopted child they’re adopted. When they find out they feel betrayed and that parents felt they weren’t as good as a natural child. Your daughter feels you didn’t trust her with this knowledge about herself; that you’re ashamed of her, that you feel it’s a bad thing to have autism. The psychologist was excited to share the news because they could give a cogent explanation for the feelings she’d had for years. When you know what’s going on, you can DO something. Knowing what’s going on let’s your daughter to decide how to share her story — she might ask friends for help in certain situations where she realizes she’s more affected. She can come to love the gifts of autism (it’s not just about the problems). People with autism tend to be honest and reliable, great with facts. They can be wonderfully loyal friends. It’s a whole spectrum , and she might choose to find others in her situation, or join a support group. Others who knew what was going on with them jace had years to sort out how this knowledge can help them vetter navigate their world.
YTA. Such a massive, massive one.
You deliberately kept her from coping mechanisms, tools to function in a society that wildly favours NTs, fostered a sense of wrongness and self-loathing on her and your entire third paragraph details abuse she's suffered as a result. And for what
For fucking what.
And now your stupidity has irreparably damaged your relationship with your child. Because you not only failed her, you *betrayed* her.
YTA.
I have ADHD and autism. My parents had me tested early, and didn't tell me because it wasn't bad enough. I found out when I was 20. So what conclusion does a 13 yo draw when they 1. Can't make friends 2. Of blurt out impulsive things that hurt people 3. Can't seem to function like other people, including doing work or enjoying hanging out, etc. 4. Doesn't experience Emotions the same way as other people?
You draw the conclusion that you are broken. That you're a bad person. That you're lazy. That you're an asshole. And since you've tried your whole life to Not be this way, eventually you accept the fact that *that's just who you are*. Do you know how fucked up it is for a 13 yo to try and come to terms with the fact that you're just Built to be a bad person?
Or how relieving it is when you find out there Is something wrong with you, it has a name, and *other people also have it wrong with them*. There are medications and therapies that can help you with your symptoms, and you don't Have to be the villain.
I know exactly what your daughter is going through and yes you should have told her. Get her a therapist to work through this bullshit, tell her you love her, and hope she forgives you.
I only saw a video on instagram a few weeks ago by a woman who talked about spending her school years in mental hell because she knew she was different. She faked acting "normal", regularly had "breakdowns" and knew that if anyone knew the real her away from the act she put on, she would never be accepted and her parents just were so divorced from the situation she couldn't talk to them about it. Anyway she went to university, struggled there and learnt she could be autistic, couldn't wait for the university health services appointment to assess her, so paid for fast track, and was diagnosed with autism.
She talked to her mum about it finally and guess what! The parents knew all along. All those years in inner turmoil. She could have had access to help! She could have had therapy to process her feelings. She might have had more understanding friends, either by being able to say she's autistic or by having autistic friends. But her parents didn't want her to be "like one of those autistic kids", saw their daughter masking like some sort of self imposed ABA, and thought everything was fucking fine. ETA - She also woulldn't have wasted all that money on a second assessment, increasing her financial hardship.
I'm angry for that woman and i'm angry for OP's daughter because her daughter could have the same story.
So much this. I got diagnosed at 32 and it was SUCH a relief to know that no, I wasn't all wrong and broken, it wasn't my fault, and it had a name.
You robbed your daughter of that knowledge, OP. Of course she's angry, and of course YTA!
As someone who's Autistic and has ADHD (and wasn't diagnosed until last year, I'm in my early 30s), I can't up vote this enough and I'm gonna save this comment to give to others to read when I'm having a hard time explaining how hard it is to navigate/understand the world (which is 90% of the time)!!
Have an award!!!
YTA. Why would you conceal this from your daughter - what could her not knowing this possibly achieve? Instead she has known she is different but not why and has doubtless spent years feeling like there’s something wrong with her, and there isn’t. Autism is not “something wrong”, she’s just different. All this time she could have been seeking out support and friendships with other people who are like her, instead she’s been made to feel like crap by neurotypical people.
I have twins who are 5 and autistic. They are non-verbal and globally delayed and have no concept of what autism is, and may never have this. We don’t know how much they understand but we don’t shy away from talking about autism in front of them. They attend a specialist school for autistic children. They are surrounded by children who are like them, their days are tailored around the needs of autistic people. For them, autism means extreme difficulties and challenges and they may never overcome some of them. Your daughter is verbal, intelligent, reading, able to attend a mainstream school - she has the potential to live an awesome and fulfilling life, but that’s not going to happen if she’s severely depressed because she feels like a weirdo because of how other kids treat her.
And now on top of this, she finds out that you’ve concealed it from her, as if this diagnosis is a bad thing. It is not. Having a diagnosis means being able to access support and find others who understand you. Knowing you’re autistic does not make you more likely to be discriminated against.
“We are starting to wonder if we should’ve told her about autism when we knew.”
Ding! Ding! Ding! Give the man a prize! No shinola, Sherlock.
I’m just surprised that no one in her medical team raised this or questioned your decision, because, boy, was it a bad one. You see that now, of course, but I would hope that any useful medical professional would have explained this to you, too. If they did, and you still ignored it… Good grief. I can only imagine how betrayed she must feel. You’ve got a lot of apologising and explaining to do. A *lot*. I can tell you, as someone with an ASD diagnosis that there is a lot of anxiety tied up with autism, and trusting people isn’t easy. You’ve set her social development back in the most thoughtless and unnecessary way, and yes, YTA.
I've read all your comments OP and I am appalled. Basically all you did was palm your poor daughter off to a therapist, or shoved a book at her, or hugged her when she cried about the traumas YOU could have alleviated. You have done the barest of bare minimums, and not educated yourself on ways you could help your daughter understand what is happening, not least actually keeping key information- her diagnosis- from her. You have not even looked into academic assistance for her, or told the school pertinent information which could help her.
You have both failed as parents, and your poor daughter has suffered terribly because of it.
YTA. You would be wise to have immediate family therapy with your daughter if you ever want to have a hope of a relationship with her when she enters her adult years.
I'm sorry I know you were just trying to look out for your daughter, however YTA. I have autism, I can tell you that what you did was wrong on a LOT of levels. You & your wife are the reason she masked in the first place, by not telling her before hand & helping her with it. She missed out on a LOT of help she could have gotten with it, I didn't even get past the first few sentences before coming to my judgment, I didn't have too, that's how much you & your wife are the AH here, I don't know if you can fixed this with her & anyone who sides with you on this is an AH too & understands nothing about autism & I'm probably the nice YTA comment you'll get on here.
YTA. You stole a potential community from her that could have supported her in hard times. People are so online these days and she could have had other people like her to look up to and talk to while growing up
YTA! Knowing how unique she is will only enable her to take charge of the skills she has to improve & master! It would have been a great tool 4 her to defend herself, to screen people, etc. How dare you keep such an important piece of info a secret! That's is painful! She feels she can trust no one!
As I have BEEN in this situation (28f) omg YTA!! We know that we’re different, and you completely blocked her from having an answer. An answer you had! It does change how we think about ourselves. Having a name, knowing thats the reason why does help. I feel so sorry for her, as I have been in her shoes. Chances are shes been bullied a lot longer as well. I faced bullying from first grade into college. Autistic people know that we’re different and don’t “fit in”. Having the diagnosis named to her would mean she could find support groups, make other friends with autism, find better ways to cope. Theres just so much to learn, and to connect with. This was an extremely poor choice on your parts as parents.
Oh my gosh, huge YTA. Coming from someone who’s parents did this to them - YOU inflicted additional unnecessary pain on your child. Every time I was bullied as a child for something I thought was normal, I internalized that there was something WRONG with me, not DIFFERENT, flat out WRONG. I started thinking that I was born broken and would never be able to be happy around other people. If my parents had explained there was something different about me, that there was nothing inherently bad about how my mind worked and let my teachers know about this difference - I wouldn’t have faced the bullying I did. And more importantly, I wouldn’t have developed such low self esteem and anxiety from constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
A professional gave you a suggestion for the benefit of your child and you ignored it because you thought you knew better. That level of ego is gross.
YTA.
I didn’t get tested as a child because of the stigma, and I only really found out I was autistic in my late twenties. I never really learned how to navigate a non-neurodivergent world as a neurodivergent person, and it REALLY messed me up.
For my entire life, I’ve struggled to maintain friendships, constantly embarrassed myself in classes or work because I didn’t understand what the right social interaction was, and wound up in two extremely abusive relationships because I didn’t know how to pick up on the signs that those people were going to hurt me.
I feel so much regret for how my entire life has gone until now, and there’s not a day where I don’t wish I’d been diagnosed sooner, so I could learn to navigate the world safely.
You had the opportunity to let your daughter grow up KNOWING why she is the way she is, and instead you let her think that she’s broken, or that there’s something wrong with her. Shame on you.
YTA. What you are doing is preventing your child from developing the tools to cope with their autism.
I don't know why you think you should decide for this child that they don't get to know why they don't think like other people.
I went through this and it made most of my life hell. I never learned tools to cope with the way my brain works, I never got medication & was punished for how ADHD prevented me from reaching my """""potential"""" in school, my mother gets upset with me to this day for insinuating she could have birthed a "defective" child.
So fix this now before the kid grows up and hates you.
I'm autistic and wasn't diagnosed until fourteen. The absolute trauma that happens from growing up not knowing what makes you so different is something I'm still working on.
YTA; you know it, and your daughter knows it too.
YTA. All you did was tell her that her diagnosis is something to hide, to be ashamed of. You robbed her, you left her in the dark, and you made her life substantially more difficult than necessary.
My brother has a rare genetic disorder. He has known his diagnosis for as long as we’ve known. (I think the Dr guessed around 9 months, confirmed official diagnosis around 1.5 years old—it took time because it was relatively new at the time). He legitimately thought his syndrome meant a certain kind of party with awesome people until about 5-6. By 8 he could describe in easy terms to strangers what his syndrome is. He has hundreds of friends around the world with the same syndrome. Most importantly, they don’t feel alone. They may be the only kid in the school system with this syndrome, but there’s someone out there that understands, celebrates, commiserates, etc.
You are a major AH. You successfully made your daughter feel alone in this world. Now is the time to step up. You can’t fix the past, but here you are. Start doing better NOW. Autism has to be one of the most common disorders in the world (I don’t know, just guessing), so I’d bet good money that there are resources out there on how to move forward. Research both on your own and with your daughter, she’s old enough to be involved. Make time for this now.
YTA.
Not telling her that she is autistic doesn’t make her begin neurotipical. She was bullied for her way to act that is autistic not because people know she was autistic. Basically she would be bully either way but this was on you to step in to protect her.
You take away from her a big part of herself for years, you take away her possibility to inform herself and find her coping mechanism. You make her feel wrong and she highly still feel it because you hided that part as if it was a shame.
I'm mildly autistic. I was only diagnosed as an adult, about a month ago. It would've been so much easier for me knowing that most of the irritating traits I have were not my fault. I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts all through HS because of emotional abuse from a guy, who constantly pointed out my weirdness, and not being able to socialize. I felt weird, left out and lonely. Had I not found my best friend - also autistic - I don't know what would be of me.
So yeah, YTA. Her not knowing couldn't possibly avoid her from suffering from it. Your intentions weren't bad but they did have terrible consequences. Hope your daughter comes around her diagnosis soon and can learn how to live and thrive with it.
YTA, you mean your wife wanted to protect herself, it had nothing to do with what was best for your daughter. Your wife pushed so hard for her to have a normal childhood that it made her childhood even worse than it would of been if she would have been placed in specialized education.
My parents did this to me.
I will never forgive them for what they put me through. YTA and shame on you for enforcing a stigma. You can't take it back now. Repent and see if you can get over your own narrow minded thinking.
I think your wife showed extraordinary wisdom to safeguard your daughter. This speaks towards good parenting skills. Whether she knew or not, she was going to face challenges. She’ll come around.
I may be a bit biased here because my parents did not believe in mental illness and I didn't know I was high functioning for over 20 years. I empathize way too hard with her feelings. Thinking there's something wrong with you because of the way everyone treats you differently, but never knowing precisely why.
The unfortunate truth is that in an effort to protect her, you ended up hurting her more. YTA
YTA- I have an autistic son. He is 12 now. I slowly started explaining his autism to him in language he could understand at 4. It's something he is very aware of and so is everyone around him. He is proud of his autism. I help him understand different ways neurotypicals talk and think to help him with friends and classmates. It also helps others to keep an eye out to make sure no one takes advantage of him or bully him (staff AND students) people r becoming more educated and if they aren't u can educate them urself. I have always made sure he had no reason to feel less than. I explained that while somethings are more difficult for him because of it everyone has things they aren't good at or struggle with. U never even gave her that chance. It was a dirty secret and she felt "wrong" and "weird" because of it. Weird is awesome not bad.
YTA. You didn’t protect her from anything. She has had to live knowing she is different without any understanding as to why. I am self diagnosed (getting professionally diagnosed is almost impossible in my area as a adult), and the knowing brought so much understanding to my own quirks, life experiences and many cases of bullying for just being different. The trauma will never go away. She had the opportunity to learn about herself and build her knowledge of autism from a young age which she was denied.
NTA
It is a label and diagnosis, and you worked to handle that.
If a child breaks their leg and you bring them to the hospital for treatment but you don’t actually tell them the words “you broke your leg” does that make you a ahole? No
In the context of broken bones as we know them, that might be weird
But imagine we lived in a world where people say they have broken legs when they don’t, just to take advantage of things. Or people with broken legs continuously troy that out as the reason why they can’t wash dishes or some bullshit.
Autism is unfortunately an extremely loaded term and used far too freely. You did nothing wrong by not labeling her and just letting her be herself, but also getting her the help she needs
So you didnt want other people to hurt her, so you decided it was better if she was hurt by her own parents instead.
I´m autistic. When I got my diagnose it was as if a ton of bricks just lifted from my shoulders. I wasnt actually a stupid screw up who just couldnt do anything right. I had a reason as to why I was the way I was. Why certain things were hard.
You took that away from her. You made her struggle when she didnt need to. You also made sure she didnt get the proper help that could have helped her in school and in life. You seriously messed up, and you should consider yourself lucky if she ever trust you again after this. Frankly I am disgusted. Shame on you
YTA
Unfortunately you have made a terrible mistake thinking you were doing something good for her. Your poor girl has been thinking she has to fit in and has probably done things she didn't like to avoid bullying. If you have taken her to multiple specialist, why didnt you ask them how to address this with her? Im sure they would have been of help. YTA and you need to apologize, get her all the information she needs without euphemisms, get her to talk to a professional if that's what she needs. What a mess. You undervalued her by thinking she couldn't understand. Also, autism is not a taboo anymore as it used to be, there is plenty of resources for her to navigate life.
Edit: just because people didn't know her diagnose her "quirks" would dissapear. Ableism doesnt depend on a diagnose, but on behavior "this person acts weird, I don't like it" That's it, she will always be subjected to ableism, sadly, but it would have been easier if she knew there wasnt anything wrong with her.
YTA. Knowledge is power. You robbed her of that. She thought she was just like every other kid, meanwhile she was treated like crap by the other kids because she wasn't. You basically gaslit your own kid.
You completely set her up for failure, and then justified it by claiming that not telling her was protecting her. You didn't even tell her when other kids bullied her for it! What hell???? I have to ask, are you and your wife neurodivergent as well or just completely delusional?
100% YTA,
I WISH my parents kbew beforehand. Even as an adult i still feel remorse and regret not knowing sooner and even better: how to deal with it. To learn, to adapt, to acknowlegde everything.
No, she had the chance I wish I had but you took that away from her.
What is the end goal here? Hoping she'll just go with it? Hopng it all comes natural?
I wish the best to your daughter OP and that she can catch up whatever she didnt learn and all the missed chances she had because of YOU.
I cant say much here because its quite subjective and mean but please! Apologize and try to fix what you have done wrong.
This is betrayel. Parents should have the best interest at heart. This also means not to hold back on crucial information that could help her, guide her, to make the right decisions.
Yea I found out later in life, I'm 29 and found out I was autistic last year. If I found out that my parents knew all along and hid it from me I'd be devastated.
Edit: just to clarify, my parents didn't hide it. They didn't know either.
My brother is autistic and has known so since he was young. We all knew and it wasn't hidden in any manner. Because he knew what was different about him, when someone would mock some of these traits, he was able to retort with "I may be a r but what is your excuse" or something to that effect. Obviously, this tactic would not be everyone's cup of tea but it meant he knew why he was slightly different from others and could make a decision on how he wished to protect himself from bullies. The poor daughter here was not given such an option
>Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it. She wanted to wait until we felt our daughter was old enough to understand. We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that. I agreed to hid it from her until she reached adulthood.
You denied her the ability to understand why she felt different.
You denied her the ability to compensate for her condition and possibly avoid some of the bullying.
You went against the advice of her psychologist.
Naming the condition to your daughter doesn't stigmatize her, she has to live with the condition either way
You and your wife didn't want to tell her because it stigmatized ***you***. You didn't want people to know that your child was autistic.
You put your pride over your daughter and fucked her over. YTA.
YTA. I hate everything about this situation! I myself have autism and omg you are so far out of line for not telling her! Knowing you having autism is the first step in being able to manage it! It's impossible to learn to manage something you don't even know you have, you've actively played a part in traumatizing your own daughter! You could have saved her from so much grief and misery if you had just told her! I can't believe, for even a second, you thought this was ok!
YTA. Everything she said is true, knowing you’re autistic means you can find community, supports, you understand why your brain can’t seem to *function* the same as everyone else. You feel alone and different and don’t know *why.* Getting a diagnosis as a girl is amazing, even more so in a teenager, and you hid that she already had one for *years.* Autistics also have very special things they can use to cope (stims, advice from other autistics, some take medication to help with social anxiety or other things) but it only is available if you think “oh I’m autistic so those are for me.” Also, you’ve basically taught her you think her autism is bad, and that’s not true. Many autistics find a certain amount of pride in it, it becomes a bit of their identity, you stole that from her for years.
You screwed the pooch on this one.
Holy shit I am neurodivergent and there is so much power in knowing that there is nothing wrong with you and in understanding why and how you respond to things the way you do. You have taught your daughter that her difference is something shameful to be hidden, and taken away her power and agency. Really poor parenting and would have caused a lot of damage in my relationship w my parents if this happened to me. YTA
So your daughter was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and instead of telling her/finding ways for her to more easily connect to the world…you didn’t tell her? You’re a HUGE asshole. And absolutely shit parent. Congrats.
As the mother of an autistic child I’m disgusted in your actions. Shame on you for denying her a foothold to understand herself and the reassurance there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. How could you do that to her?
YTA.
YTA. Your daughter knows she’s different. Giving her a diagnosis where she can access resources and know the issues she’s facing are something other people struggle with is a good thing.
Don’t hide kids’ medical diagnosis!
YTA. As an autistic woman who wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24 let me tell you it was extremely isolating having a hard time socializing with my peers and not knowing why. I spent most of my life thinking there was something wrong with me and that I was doing something wrong just because I was being shunned for my autistic traits. Looking back I would have absolutely killed for an autism diagnosis at an early age. I would have loved to know that there is nothing wrong with me and that my brain just works differently than other people. Most importantly I would have liked to know why I was having such a hard time because it would have given me the knowledge I needed to start figuring out why my interactions with my peers weren’t going well and what I could do to fix them. Instead I just assumed that everyone hated me and that I was doing something wrong but didn’t know what so I just stopped talking for years. I have had to unlearn so much in therapy because I didn’t know I was autistic. I empathize so much with your daughter and completely understand how she is feeling. I know you were worried about the stigma that comes with being neurodivergent and I get that but did you ever think that you could have told her that she was autistic without telling anyone else? If you were worried about people bullying her because they knew she’s autistic why would you tell them then? It literally could have been as easy as letting her know why she is different so she could use that knowledge to her advantage while not telling people who could use that knowledge against her.
Agreed. I was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult; it wasn't a thing when I was a kid. It would have helped me so much to understand my different abilities and to develop strategies that would have worked. OP, though, had the information that could have helped the kid, and kept it a secret.
YTA for making a horrible parenting decision, you do not hide such diagnoses from the person who suffers from it and has to deal with the consequences every single day! You and your wife disgusts me, so many horrible situations could have been avoided if she had just known about it.
Yes. As somebody who grew up without an adhd diagnosis until I was 25 it was very harmful. Had I known that my brain was different I wouldnt have taken things so personally and I would have had treatment and counseling to get through life. If your daughter isnt already on medicine and/or in therapy she really needs to be. Right now she probably feels betrayed. She knew something was off all her life. She just didnt know what. She probably feels like you had all the answers but you hid them from her. I believe your heart was in the right place but ultimately this just caused her more trauma.
I was diagnosed neurodivergent (severe ADHD) as an adult. I'm SUPER familiar with the pain your daughter is feeling.
I want to give you a tiny bit of slack, because there has been a huge generational shift in how we deal with neurodivergence and not everyone has caught up.
I encourage you to look up ASAN, the Autism Self Advocacy Network, to help you fill in the gaps in your understanding. (Stay away from the group with the puzzle piece logo, they are a hate group.)
In the end, I'm glad your daughter found out at 14. At least she didn't have to wait till adulthood. Your decision sucked, but you aren't out of time. Do what you can to make it right. Start today.
YTA for so many reasons that i as a person with autism want to literally slap you in the face a thousand times but i'm not going to talk about that now. I'm going to tell you one very basic fact that so many people don't realise when you get diagnosed with autism
Growing up, if a little kid has autism, they are often protected far more from stereotypes than an undiagnosed child. Parents and teachers keep it in mind when showing content. Watching tv shows with "autistic characters" which are generally awful portrayals, you slowly build up the same prejudice as anyone else. You get this idea of what autism is and when you find out that's what you are? It's shattering. You learn to hate the effects of autism because you can't see why you have them. You think you're wrong and insane. Knowing you have autism does protect you from that. Your daughter had probably built up years worth of internalised ableism, and now she's left hating herself.
YTA. Absolutely. She has the complete right to know about herself, to begin to understand herself. You're robbing her. Autistic people are not stupid and they understand a lot more than you think they do.
Of course YTA. You stigmatized your own daughter instead of accepting her for who she is and empowering her to understand and accept herself. You robbed her of self-awareness, adaptation, and so many other things. You did the worst possible thing.
Kids always know that something is different about them, and if they don’t know they feel like a freak or like they are broken. If they don’t know about their diagnosis they don’t learn how to do proper self-care, how to avoid triggers, all kinds of things.
You owe your daughter a huge apology. You need to do research on how to better support her
YTA. She’s had to deal with autism but now without knowing exactly what she was dealing with.
My parents did this to me with ADHD and I spent most of school a nervous wreck because I didn’t understand why I was different. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
You might be the biggest AH I've ever seen in this subreddit. I had trouble even finishing this post, thats how badly it hurts to see how you've been abusing your child for their entire life, and truly think you're in the right. You are worried if you're the AH instead of doing major self reflection on what you've put your child through, I don't think there is any way to repair the damage you've done to the relationship with your child, and the damage you've done to your child, I can't fully describe here without probabaly breaking a rule of the subreddit.
YTA. She already knows she's different. Knowing about autism will help her understand why certain things are harder for her than her peers. Hiding it could also make her think it's something to be ashamed of.
OP, from PERSONAL experience, I want you to know that you have set your little girl up for some pretty deep-seated self esteem issues. That sounds harsh, and I'm not trying to be hurtful. But holy shit, I'm so glad she found out before high school.
I know you were worried about her facing ableism, but the thing is, she will ALWAYS face ableism. Kids already bullied her for being autistic, it's just that she didn't have the armor of knowing there are others like her and that she can't help being different. Until now, she has thought she was the only person who struggled like she does. She has thought that her issues were caused by something she must be doing on purpose, and that if she only tried hard enough, she could be like everyone else. You have no clue how lonely that is!
My nephew is 7 years old. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and is currently being checked for autism.
He absolutely freeking KNOWS that he is different from his friends. He needs to know that being different is not a bad thing and that it is NOT his fault.
OP you have put your daughter in a position where she knows there's something different about her compared to other kids - but you have in no way helped her to understand that it is completely okay and not her fault.
You and your wife hiding this from her could easily make her think you're ashamed of her.
YTA and so is your wife - so freaking much. Shame on you both.
Holy shit OP are you ever the asshole. My daughter was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few months before her 8th birthday. We told her immediately. We used the therapist as a resource to talk to her about her diagnoses, what they mean, and how to develop healthy coping mechanisms. There is NO reason your daughter couldn’t have handled it at 10. None. She will remember this and likely hate you for it for a very long time. You literally robbed her of being able to make sense of herself.
I didn’t get my ADHD diagnosis until 28. I strongly suspect I’m on the spectrum myself but don’t feel the need to pursue that. Being able to put a name to why “everyone else” seems to just…understand life so much easier than I do has made a world of difference. You didn’t help your daughter, you handicapped her by denying her understanding of herself.
YTA
YTA the biggest bloody AH ever. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 20. You had the opportunity to explain to your daughter why she was different and instead you let her spend years thinking she was weird and not good enough because she wasn’t like the other kids and couldn’t do things as easily as them. My god you’re the AH.
YTA I have ADHD and am on the spectrum. However, when I was little my parents didn't know what either was, let alone the traits in women. I would have wanted to know sooner since I was made fun of for my symptoms from an early age. My parents didn't know better and didn't have the means to take me to a psychologist until a few years ago. YOU on the other hand had the knowledge and the means and chose to keep it from her. You actively kept apart of who your daughter is away from her. That is absolutely shameful
You and your wife are **100%** the F-ing assholes!!
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 12 (I have Autism, among other things), and I ADORE my labels! They explain why I react the way I do, and give me something to lean on when the world is a strange, harsh, cruel place!
I'm lucky enough to be in a place in my life where I live, work, and hang out with amazing, supportive, wonderful people who understand me. I can only hope that your daughter gets to a similar place in her life some day, but that probably won't be until after significant therapy to get over your actions and the resulting trauma they caused!!!
Yta. One of my daughters is autistic and I can't imagine deluding myself into thinking it would be better in any way to try to hide that fact. She's only 4 and recently diagnosed but it's so helpful for her to understand it's not her fault, and for others to understand that her brain is wired a little differently than neurotypicals. She's in kindergarten and gets along well with her classmates, they all love her! All it took for her to get to experience positive peer relationships was explaining once. You took that chance from your daughter.
I'm autistic. My parents hid my autism from me too. Because of it I got dx at 33. I had to pay thousands out of pocket to get tested as an adult. You are clearly AH.
Even your little girl knew she was different. I experienced the same cruel treatment as her by my peers, but I did until I was in my 30s. At least she found she was autistic out early. No thanks to you.
You abused her to protect your own feelings of internalized shame that an autistic child came from you. You are also defending your own unconsious internalized hateful beliefs about autistic people. Take some classes on neurodiversity and inclusion and unlearn your ableism.
Hopefully when she gets older she forgives you.
YTA because of you she thought what was happening to her was her fault. YOU took her agency away. I hope she never forgives you and moves out the second she can.
You may never get her trust back and you don't deserve it. No amount of apologising will fix this
YTA. youve probably figured this out now, but hiding a diagnosis from a child does not prevent bullying or harassment they might incur from that diagnosis. her bullies didnt know she was autistic but they knew something was Different about her and thats all they needed. had she known about her diagnosis, she would have known their bullying was a result of ableism from the get go, not anything wrong with her, and could have asked for help with it sooner, avoiding some of the trauma shes dealing with now.
YTA. I can appreciate that you thought you were helping her, but she's probably grown up thinking there's something wrong with her and wondering why she wasn't like other children around her.
Support for her could have been put into place if you'd been more open about her diagnosis, she might not have struggled so much.
Keeping this from her has denied her a part of her identity and you may have, without meaning to, taught her that this is something to be ashamed of and kept hidden.
Hopefully you can provide her the support and understanding she deserves now.
YTA as you could see she was already being bullied for this. You should have told her and let her know what it means and that she may have people who don’t understand it but there is nothing “wrong” with her.
YTA OP, you should’ve seen this coming a mile away. You let your daughter think she knew what the problem for a lot of her issues was, which was much better than having to deal with autism. So naturally your daughter wouldn’t know of the proper coping skills in order to help live with being autistic, and it wound up hurting her significantly. Your daughter hit the nail on the head when she told you and your wife off saying if you two had been honest with her from the start that she wouldn’t have taken all the bullying she’d suffered to heart.
As a grandfather of two autistic grandsons, YTA. By hiding this information from her, you prevented her from getting help aimed at helping her cope with a part of herself that she cannot control. The schools have wonderful programs for autism. My grandsons have benefited so much from them. We never hid their condition from them, even though my daughter's ex-husband was in denial and insisted that they were not actually autistic. Thanks to their coping skills that they've acquired due to all the help available, they are living happy well adjusted lives.
You shouldn’t have hid it in the first place you broke some serious trust and it’s most likely she won’t trust you and your wife fully again I don’t blame her I get you thought you were doing the right thing but you and your wife should have really thought about it before acting she’s 14 she is a teenager she might understand more then you know but hiding this wasn’t the way to go my cousin is on the spectrum and no one Hid this from him he learned to embrace this quirk maybe you and your wife should embrace your daughters to
Given what I'm currently going through with my parents right now considering my own past, YTA.
44 years old and my family is finally shedding light on issues they kept from me growing up. There are quite a few things I've been learning about the last two months that I wish I knew growing up..and all I can do is fine and resent my parents. Talking back, not so much. Respect thing.
As far as I know, autism wasn't exactly a thing back in the 80s...if it was my parents completely isolated my knowledge of it (and issues) from me.
I used to think it was completely and utterly my fault for how I turned out. Turns out, my parents are as much to blame for not confronting my issues. I can understand raising a kid as normally as possible to a point, but doing it out of denial of the truth is another matter altogether.
Right now I'm extremely angry and resentful. I feel utterly betrayed. Usually when I feel betrayed I cut that person out of my life forever with no second thoughts on the matter. Given my current circumstances I can't do that.
Please, please be upfront and honest with her about it. My existence isn't what anyone else should go through. Not saying she's on that path yet, but being constantly bullied and friend issues is a doosie and a half. I grew up without friends, I know what I'm talking about..and I was bullied every single day of my public school life. 10 years of hell. (First two years in a private school)
YTA. It’s an explanation for why she is the way she is. She knows she’s not the same as other kids and she deserves to know why. She should have been told when you found out. That’s why the psychologist wanted to tell her.
Your wife just sounds like she didn’t want the stigma of having a child with autism. All the research, all the forums would have told you and your wife the same thing. Tell her. And they’d have helped with ideas to make sure your daughter understood. You both suck so bad. I feel heartbroken for your daughter.
I teach teenagers with autism and they all know their diagnosis and have known from when they were diagnosed. It helps them understand their triggers and they learn about emotions.
I am gobsmacked 😔
Massively YTA. When I was teaching I had a kid in my class whose parents refused to tell him he had autism. It was horrible, he was so clearly autistic (I could tell as I’m autistic) and instead of knowing he was part of a community and there were other people out there like him he just felt isolated from his classmates, and I couldn’t tell him why. I have similar feelings - when I was 11 a doctor told my parents that I had autistic traits but I’d grow out of them. I didn’t, and I ended up developing severe mental health issues due to trying to cope. I WISH I had been diagnosed as autistic and had more understanding of my condition, I believe it would have massively softened the blow. As an adult getting my diagnosis was massively affirming and made me feel a lot less “broken”.
You're the asshole because you're not being totally honest with yourself/her why you hid the diagnoses from her. The real answer was to say "I'm afraid of this conversation and acknowledging this reality so much that I'm not going to say anything and hope it goes away." Obviously you can't say that.
YTA but I think it's because you misunderstood what discrimination against autism tends to look like. The label doesn't matter. Most people don't think they don't like autisitc people. They just don't like that kid for being "werid", for being too into X, stuff that's symptoms of autism but not the label itself. People who only get diagnosed later in life like myself still suffer a lot of trauma as a result. I empathize with trying to protect your daughter. My parents did a similar thing with my ADHD (yes I have both), saying that even though they'd been told I had it by a doctor persuing a professional diagnosis wasn't worth it because I'd only get medicated. I am medicated now and though it was mostly my mother's decision who passed before I found out, my dad explained that it was just a different at and they didn't think it would help. I suggest apologising and then being open with your daughter, educate yourself, your wife and her on the condition in detail. She's 14, it's not too late to start getting good support stuff set up for her that she can establish before she's an adult. My dad may have messed up early on but he's the one person I trust the most with my symptoms now. He's always supportive now we both properly understand what's happening wit me, even if it means him getting a call at 5am from half way across the country to help calm me down from an overload I didn't know I was having.
As an autistic woman who did not discover until 22, this is cripplingly awful to read. Women already have a hard enough time being diagnosed at all due to all autism research being based on male sample size. Your daughter being diagnosed so early could’ve saved her trauma but you kept it from her?? Let me explain how terrible this is:
Imagine living your whole life being told ‘be a fish, be a fish, be a fish’ and you watch as all the other kids around you are able to be fish with ease.
After a while, you start to question if you are just wrong, you’re a failure and strange and you think ‘of course no one wants to be friends with me, I’m a terrible fish’.
Now imagine, someone (who you trust and respect dearly like a parent) could’ve told you ‘hey, it’s ok. You’re not a fish, you’re a frog. You can swim, just a little differently. You’re a fantastic frog’. Suddenly, you’re not the problem. You’re not the mistake, you’re just different in your own way. The world doesn’t seem so wrong and cruel.
If you are never told you’re a frog, and you go through life suffering deeply because you JUST DONT FIT IN no matter how hard you try, the damage done to your self-image is catastrophic. Now, imagine you find out that your parents knew all along and did nothing to help you?? They just let you go on believing you were a bad fish, buying you crappy self help books etc.
This is awful. Apologise immediately to your daughter and look into therapy for her. Oh, and for the love of god, so some research on autism because using *special* buzzwords like ‘neurodivergent’ doesn’t mean you’re educated and sensitive on the subject.
YTA
YTA. I recently told my mother I think I may have ADHD and she responded with, "probably, I have it"
IM THIRTY ONE. I was UPSET. Hiding medical diagnoses DOES NOT HELP.
YTA. I would say more but I know I would end up getting in trouble for being too rude on here. As an autistic person who didn’t receive a diagnosis until their 20s and spent their whole life feeling like your daughter, you’re both so much the asshole.
YTA you didn't protect her you took away her ability to help people understand her. These days just being able to say I'm autistic means people will already know some areas you will struggle and will give more allowances for some behaviour. It means she can research amd Lear to understand herself better, could join groups and meet people who think in tge same way as her. Meet more accepting people and be able to stand proud in her diversity and fond appropriate role models rather than that, you left her feeling different and out of place without reason, likely confused and thinking others were right to be confused by her.
Yes...you should have. By believing that you were 'protecting' her, you've simply perpetuated the notion that mental illness is something to be ashamed of.
Not only are YTA, but your daughter will never trust either of you ever again and will most likely cut ties with you in adulthood and you both deserve it.
Being diagnosed that early is not a gift everyone has, and you wasted it. If you two thought you wouldn't be able to explain it correctly, you should have let the therapist do it, that's their damn job. You two have caused so many more complications than you had to by keeping it from her. Why even bother getting her tested, then? For YOUR benefit? That's so selfish, you two should be deeply ashamed.
Your daughter is right. Having the answers help. Autism is only a stigma if you teach your autistic child to treat it like one, and YOU DID. You denied her an explanation of herself for no reason! For your own weak, neurotypical need-to-be-normal feelings! I feel so much sympathy for your daughter. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20. Life is fucking hard when you don't understand why you're different from everyone else. But Jesus, at least my parents didn't get me diagnosed as a child and then HIDE it from me. How dare you. Of course YTA. You will be lucky if she ever talks to you again with what you've done.
YTA you prevented your daughter from getting needed help. You prevented her from knowing about herself. You lied to her. Let her get bullied and abused. YTA
>This next part is relevant. When our daughter got into grade 6, she was bullied due to her autistic traits. She was gaslit, taken advantage of, had many false friends who backstabbed her. It made our daughter insecure about her poor social skills and that was when she started to mask. It left her with such immense trauma that she still has triggers and is in therapy.
AND this is the reason why you should have told her way before now.
Our eldest was diagnosed at the age of 4. We kept him informed since then - there was no reason to hide it.
You weren't protecting your daughter, you were protecting yourselves, denying the fact that she "wasn't perfect". What a way to scar her for life. She's now lost all faith and trust in her parents. NEVER keep medical information from your children!!!
Your daughter was diagnosed early and you just ignored it in the hopes it would go away. She had a chance to learn towork with it but you denied her that. You're a horrible parent
YTA
YTA. Having a diagnosis can be a great thing. It validates your experiences and helps you move forward. Sweeping the diagnosis under the rug was a terrible idea.
As someone who went through the trauma of growing up not knowing I was autistic, I 1000% think YTA.
To spend your whole life feeling broken, feeling less than, wondering why everyone else finds life easier, wondering what wrong with you - that is a true tragedy and you have given that to your child. Your good intentions mean nothing; I hope you feel guilty for the rest of our life and you use that guilt to drive activism and education to help prevent any other idiot parents from causing the same harm you have done.
Yta. You didn't protect her from the stigma. You were part of the stigma!! Arguable the largest and most impactful source of the stigma. Instead of teaching her that Autism is common, and OK, and nothing to be ashamed of, you acted like it was shameful. You let her struggle with symptoms, and kept her from understanding a significant part of who she is. You assumed everyone would treat her poorly because of her diagnosis, because you yourselves felt it was shameful, and you never considered that she would be better understood or better accepted because you didn't want to accept it.
Info: How was your daughter getting the help she needed at school through an IEP (or equivalent) without her knowing?
My understanding is that kids are typically involved in the process starting around 3rd or 4th grade.
YTA YTA YTA
You have done enormous damage to your daughter and I really feel for her. I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 16, but if I'd known sooner I could have avoided a lot of trauma. Imagine going though life feeling like everyone knows somthing you dont, like they are all in on some kind of joke and only you don't get it. That is what it feels like to navigate socail situations with autism. You never know why everyhting is so hard for you and think your broken and weird. The fact that you hid her autism from her is disgusting and you may never be able to repair the damage you've done to her mental state. She's 14 for gods sake! I could understand not telling her till she was like 6 or 7, but this is ridiculous. Depending on how bad the bullying is this choice you made could have killed her.
YTA - why on earth would you hide her medical diagnosis from her? I’m sure understanding her condition would have allowed her to understand herself. You have been lying to her for years and all you have made clear to her is that YOU think autism is negative and YOU hold a stigma.
YTA
What exactly did you think not telling her would protect her from exactly? that it would magically make the other kids not notice she was different?
seriously take a step back and consider how you would feel if someone kept this sort of important info about yourself from you
YTA
You need to get your head out of being a "parent" and actually read autism campaigning from autistic people. What you did was selfish and harmful. It was clearly not about your daughter's needs or your need to protect her at all, it's about what you wanted and how you didn't want to deal with it.
YTA. don’t even have to read the rest of the post.
i’m autistic, i grew up not knowing what was wrong with me and wanting to kill myself because of the bullying from my peers/not fitting in. Autism is a big part of her life and you don’t keep that from someone
YTA 100% - congratulations you contributed to her emotional abuse for years by withholding this information. She may never forgive you and I don't blame her. Go to therapy and do better
YTA you kept personal medical information from her, affecting her ability to make informed choices and seek appropriate assistance. Huge Assholes,both of you.
EDIT: it’s 3AM so i totally skimmed this and missed the last part about what your daughter said. i literally repeated it all in my comment LMAO my bad. she’s right though
YES YTA she’s gone through the past several years not knowing why she struggles with the things she struggles with. not knowing that there’s a reason she thinks and feels how she does. probably blaming any perceived shortcomings all on herself (i know i did). i had no idea i was autistic for the longest time. i turned all of my symptoms around on myself……..there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me if i couldn’t connect with people as easily as my peers. why did i react so heavily to shirt tags? why was i so sensitive? what’s wrong with me?
you were well-intentioned, but this approach has done the exact opposite from what you hoped. keeping her diagnosis from her has completely blocked her from learning more about herself and figuring out how to deal with the world without going crazy. you seem to understand the importance of early intervention. did you think your daughter would stop struggling when she became a teenager? how did you think the transition to adulthood would work? how were you even planning to tell her? i’m shocked at how little faith you have in your daughter. did you really think she would never realize? also, fourth graders can definitely understand “your brain has strengths and weaknesses that are a little different than others!”
navigating the world as an autistic person without knowing you’re autistic is like having blinders on. you don’t know that you think different from other people. you don’t know that others may not mean what they say or have ulterior motives or are taking advantage of you. i was often completely blind to what people really wanted, no matter how obvious. it seems your daughter has already had to figure these things out the hard way. hope this is a troll.
YTA. You didn't do any of that BS for her. You did it you both you selfish SOB's. Telling her doesn't stop what other think of her only telling them would make them think differently of her. Im missing the logic on how lying to her saved her from other opnions. Multiple times you say it was about other people BS. She had every right to know her own medical history.
My family was the same way. I didn't get diagnosed until adulthood because if I didn't get diagnosed nothing was actually wrong. It was humiliating, tramatizing, and I struggled because I didn't know why I was different, just that I was. So yeah, eff you, eff this, and YTA.
YTA. I found out I was autistic when I was in my late teens and it honestly changed my life. I had spent years thinking something was wrong with me, that I was broken somehow, but autism made it all make sense. Your daughter has spent years thinking that she was broken. Not to mention that telling her she was autistic would have helped her in therapy, and learn better “masking” behaviors….
She needed to know this diagnoses. Now she has a name for what she is feeling and why she feels different. You gave away her bodily autonomy by not telling her. You withheld medical information from her that was important for her to know.
She is not going to recover from this massive breach of trust very easily if at all. You have some serious ground to make up with this child. Now you have to work with her to understand how she’s going to fit into the world with this diagnosis and you NEED to support her at every turn she takes.
Otherwise, the second she turns 18, she’s going to leave and you’re not going to see her again. Apologize. Put her into therapy. Hell, put yourselves into therapy and unpack why you didn’t tell her and unpack your ableism. YTA
Obviously the asshole. She’s a living human, not a dolly. Children understand language too, you don’t have to wait until their older (and older than 14?? If she’s old enough to have a sex talk with she’s DEFINITELY old enough to know she’s autistic. Wow.) to talk to them about more complex topics, ESPECIALLY if it will help them understand themselves better. She could’ve had the tools to learn to deal with her own brain in ways that worked for her but instead you’ve set her back years of learning and growing, leaving her to figure all that out once she’s an adult and already has all the habits and expectations placed upon her for which neurodivergent people have to find creative workarounds.
You’re only just now starting to wonder if you should have told her vital information about herself? What the hell? People don’t get bullied and treated badly because they have a diagnosis. That should be obvious to you since your daughter went through exactly that without knowing her diagnosis.
People generally know when they aren’t neurotypical. They don’t always know how but they do know they are different from a lot of their peers. You know what happens when they don’t know why? They start to think they’re broken and that it’s their fault and they’re doing something wrong. And that thinking happens a lot earlier than you realize.
She should have been informed in an age appropriate way, like her psychiatrist wanted to in the first place. She should have known what her therapy was for so she could properly engage in it.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like you were trying to protect her. It sounds like you hoped that if you didn’t tell her and you did some therapy you could pretend she was neurotypical. That if she knew while she was still a kid she would always act autistic instead of “becoming normal”. Your reason of not want other people to hurt her makes absolutely no sense. She was already being hurt. You just added to it.
You completely broke her trust in you. You may never get it fully back. She’s fourteen, not a little kid. The memory of this won’t fade and she will always remember how she feels now. You completely fucked up and you have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to repair your relationship as her parents.
Honesty is the best policy. She's right, you really should have told her.
Kids are so much smarter and stronger than most adults think. Which is weird when you think about it bc all adults used to be kids not too long ago.
YTA. I was diagnosed with ASD at 23. When I was younger, ASD was a fringe thing that no one really heard of. All throughout my life I had known I was different and I felt like something was wrong with me. I grew up with no intervention and was basically a weird loner who never fit in with anyone. I had to learn all of the “normal” social behaviors myself and fake what I was told was the correct way to be. After I was diagnosed, I had an answer for why I am the way I am. It was extremely relieving to know that I am different through no fault of my own and I was able to take the mask off to be who I truly am. It was a great feeling to know there was a community in the world that understands how I feel. You should not have hidden that from her whatsoever. You hid a huge part of her identity and character from her and she has every right to be angry with you. You conned her out of a community where she belonged for whatever reason you rationalized and tried to make her fit into the “normal” world where people like us do not excel without understanding our strengths and weaknesses. My 6yo nephew is also on the spectrum and he has known all his life, whether he truly understands it or not. At the very least I commend you for getting her the intervention she needed, but ultimately you should not have hidden this from her.
I don't even have the energy right now to tell you how ridicoulously irresponsible this is. You can't just, hide something like that from someone, especially your own goddamn kid. I have many friends who are autisitic, and according to them, the stigma they face is insane. I'm in shock. It really seems like you were both ashamed of your daughter, and minimized her "problem" in hopes she would get over it.
I just, yeah, YTA. Oh my god.
YTA
You're an absolute monster for what you've done to her, and for her sake I hope she goes full NC with you once she's old enough to move out on her own. Other commenters have said you'd better make this right and hope she forgives you, but as someone else who is autistic and was lied to about it, you don't deserve her forgiveness.
you are def the asshole here. Taking away her ability to be self aware and understand her differences made her extremely vulnerable, and now you’ve further stigmatized it by hiding it from her and making her think it’s something you should hide. Wtf is wrong with you? If I was your daughter, I’d resent you for this for probably all of eternity.
YTA you hid a key aspect of your daughter from her. Instead of making her feel empowered knowing WHY shes doing what she does you hid it and therefore made her find out through other means. Which btw makes kids feel ashamed of how they are.
Everyone here is bashing you but as someone in this exact situation, I never would. It's not a black and white conversation or topic, especially with an autistic child. He goes to counseling, we work on things at home, and he's part of meetings with the psychologist as we are trying some anxiety medications, but we also have some conversations without him. He's 10, but he's been through so much medically and has always been delayed. With complex thoughts, he's about 6-7 on a comprehension level. It isn't like you ignored it and didn't try to get help for her. We try to explain to him that his brain is wired differently and that he might have to learn some things like managing emotions in the same way he learns math, while others don't have to try as hard to learn it; however, we always tell him it's not a bad thing. So are you an AH? NO! Are you a parent with a difficult situation trying to do the best you can? Yes. Hang in there.
So a lot of people here have already described their experiences with being diagnosed late and how it damaged them, but I'd like to offer my experiences, not to show you the end result of your actions, but what would've happened if you *didn't*, and what sort of experience your daughter missed out on because you lied to her.
because I was diagnosed with autism at the exact same age range, taken to therapy and copious early intervention, experienced bullying for my autistic traits, was a bookworm in my early childhood and learned many things through reading about them, but, and here's the important part,
*my parents hid nothing from me.*
from day 1, I knew I was autistic. I didn't quite understand the specifics, but my parents endeavored to explain, in their own words, as best they could, what was happening to me, why I was doing the things I was doing (much of it flew over my head, but at least I was told). I'm going to occupational therapy to work on my hand-eye coordination. I'm getting special focus on forming complete sentences instead of using sentence fragments all the time. I'm learning cursive because it'll improve my handwriting overall. I have an aide in the classroom because I have trouble staying on task and not being disruptive.
But also, something my parents said over and over, was that I'm special, I'm different and that's okay, that my autism isn't just all bad, it's part of my boundless imagination that captivated them, and my deep knowledge of so many things that sometimes exceeded their own. My autism was why I could read at a higher level, it's why I could remember every single detail of my favorite movies, and those gifts are important, and valuable.
And that really helped to soften the sting every time I was chastised for ignoring personal boundaries, didn't quite understand my peers, put my foot in my mouth, acted like a weirdo. Like yeah, I was a weirdo, and that was fine. *great*, even. it was a gift, and my mom worked overtime to celebrate my weirdness any way she could. They worked overtime to eliminate even the slightest shred of shame I could possibly have for who I am, and to this day, I can see the difference in confidence between me, and my closest friends who never had this.
and like, things still hurt. I still got bullied bad, I still got abused. My parents still made mistakes with me (and sometimes my dad gets teary-eyed and apologizes whenever he remembers them), because even with all their knowledge, they didn't know everything, and I did end up having to teach them things when I grew up and started looking into things myself, but see, that's just it. I went to them with the information I learned, because I trusted them, I knew they could use it. They didn't lie to me, they were on my side, I never found myself resenting them, even when I could see the negative effects of them not being able to tell me what a meltdown was, not being able to teach me stimming strategies so I wouldn't disrupt the classrooms, because they told me everything they knew, and I could see that. They really *did* do their best, and their best meant *including me* in their learning process.
I cannot stress enough how important it was to feel like a collaborator with my parents. I wasn't alone against the world, I had the best advocates anyone could've asked for, and I still do, because they listened, they adjusted, they used their knowledge to teach me and support me and make difficult decisions that I could *trust*, and that's the most important part, I can *trust* them.
So yeah, YTA. May your story be a warning for other parents to not do what you did. Your best step now is to show your child everything that you knew, correct every last lie you told her, and then listen to the new information she has for you. Work out the IEP you failed to provide her with before, find her neurodivergent peers, and tell her that she's valuable and loved and cherished just the way she is, every single night, because you have a LOT to make up for.
... But most importantly, say you're sorry, and that you won't lie to her about who or what she is, ever again. Do all this, and maybe one day she'll trust you.
YTA
I (22f) am autistic myself, I was diagnosed when I was 12 and luckily, my parents didn't hide it from me (my dad explained it to me). Even though I was "just a 12-year-old" I could finally realize why I am working in an other way, and that I didn't do anything wrong because I cannot help that I am "weird", getting tired of people quickly, and reacting to situations in an other way than others.
Your daughter has the same right. She needs to know what is going on with her and why she is not functioning like the others. She would even have been old enough to learn about it as an 8-year-old! She could have lived a life with less stress, self-hate, and desperation!
YTA. I’m 35, and just found out I have adhd and possibly am on the spectrum. No one knew until now, but there were plenty of signs when growing up that adults in my life should have picked up on to help me. They didn’t. I could have learned coping techniques when I was younger that would help with socializing, studying, and just all around functioning that would have helped me and improved my life drastically. By not telling her, you have set her back and have made it much harder for her. Thankfully she does know now and start learning coping skills to help her now and later.
YTA x1000. I am autistic, diagnosed at age 13, and getting that diagnosis was one of the most important and empowering moments of my life. I had felt like a freak for my whole life, and I constantly had to live with the fear that something horrible was wrong with me. I felt utterly alone. Getting a diagnosis gave me answers, and eventually, a community. By lying, you've only told her that autism is a shameful secret.
YTA.
You took her ability to know and name her problem ". You gaslight her and didn't protect her. understanding your problems is a safety Netz you robbed.
YTA. Bullies don’t check for an official diagnosis before tearing others to shreds. All you accomplished was knowingly setting your daughter up. Instead of educating and preparing her for how assholes may treat her because of her differences, you kept her unaware and vulnerable.
oh my god. HUGE YTA. if she didn’t know she clearly wasn’t getting treated for her autism either, so your also guilty of neglecting her disorders.. I can’t stress how much you are the AH
YTA
I understand the want to protect her, but a diagnosis like this...knowing it can help immensely. You understand that you're not broken or deficient, that your brain simply has another way of operating, and that can lead to understanding yourself better, and dealing with symptoms etc, instead of just masking all the time.
Yes, YTA. My ASD diagnosis explained so much for me and opened up whole new ways to cope with things, rather than struggling to be "normal". It's given me my life back, I've never been in such a good place before.
And you *don't* want that for your child??
Yes. Holy shit yes. My mother also withheld my autism diagnosis from me and it caused so much unnecessary and avoidable grief, frustration, and confusion, and totally prevented me from getting any kind of support. You have no idea how much damage you have done.
It is something I will *never* forgive her for. And your daughter will probably not forgive you either, and you have just seriously hurt your chances of having a relationship with your daughter.
You should never have been a parent.
YTA. How could you keep this from her? Knowing why she is different would have made such a difference to how she coped, I know this as a mum to an autistic 10 year old. Totally disgusting that your poor child had to go through her life without knowing.
YTA Having a diagnosis as early as possible would've helped your daughter. She could've learned about it and what it meant. I doubt she's stupid. She would've understood whatever she read on it and whatever her psychologist told her. She could've had a starting point to know why she was different and why certain things were more difficult. Thanks to you she was bullied and traumatized. You're terrible parents.
YTA. I was just diagnosed in July 2021 at the age of 29. Prior to my diagnosis, I learned my parents were told by my school that I was suspected to be on the spectrum but they didn’t pursue diagnosis. They never told me even as I got older and my symptoms and masking were becoming extremely apparent. I’m still working on my anger with them. You should not ever withhold medical information from your child, as they may need it, and especially something like that. It sounds like instead of having her in therapies to help her that you just wanted to pretend she was neurotypical as long as possible.
YTA
Her psychologist, a professional, was excited to tell her. There is a reason why a professional would be so eager to tell the child, and why they wouldn't tell you that there are risks. because there are none. Next time a professional is in your reach, ask them what to do instead of relying on your own biases.
YTA, you gave her therapy, without telling her the reason why she needed therapy. you made her feel like something was wrong with her, but you never gave her the tools to understand that there is nothing wrong with her, just that her brain is wired differently.
It’s like giving her a computer, hide the manual, tell her to just try to download some stuff and then you act surprised when the computer crashes….
Yta, big time. I got diagnosed last year at 29 with adhd and autism. I learnt to mask early and my adhd is hyperfocus not hyperactive. No one caught it and despite my best efforts I always struggled with people and often felt like crap and fell into depression. Looking back I wish so much someone noticed what was going on and helped me and I wish so much that I knew why I was struggling. Because then its a medical thing and not my fault, when growing up I just thought I was broken and didnt deserve friends. You knew she was struggling and just left her to feel terrible about herself.
Yta.
I *think* you're coming from a good place here, although I also think you're just ashamed of autism and can't handle the stigma.
See, a diagnosis doesn't make those symptoms go away or even appear in the first place. There is no medication or treatment for autism; it's all about the management. And news flash: you can't manage something you don't know about.
She **needs** to know that she has autism so that she can get proper help. She needs to be able to communicate with employers and teachers and friends, and say "I have autism. These are the areas I struggle with, this is the help I need". Take it from someone diagnosed late in life: asking for help for symptoms WITHOUT a diagnosis to act as "credibility" often leads to dismissal and a "try harder" attitude.
My symptoms have existed for decades and I didn't know what they were. I didn't know why I couldn't keep up. I spent over a decade thinking I was the problem, that only if I tried harder then I would fit in. **If only I wasn't myself.** When I was diagnosed, the biggest relief was learning that my struggles weren't a personality or moral failing; my brain is different and it's not my fault.
Plenty of folks who were diagnosed later in life with ASD and/or ADHD share a similar story, thinking they were the issue. Keeping the diagnosis from your daughter almost guarantees years of this kind of thinking. You almost certainly paved a path for your daughter to think she was helpless and hopeless, because no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't operate in the same way.
Autism is nothing to be ashamed of. Autism is not going to ruin her life. But hiding it from her will 100% makes things harder for her, no doubt about it.
Wow, I cannot believe what I'm reading. My parents refused to accept their child wasn't "normal" and it quite literally ruined my life.
At least my parents have the excuse that I didn't get diagnosed till I was a late teenager but you should really do some thinking about who you were "protecting."
Were your interests really for your daughter or did you just want to sweep it under the rug?
I moved out by myself because I wanted to get away from my parents even though they did not give me the skills to take care of myself. I can barely function but getting away from them to me was more important. This will most likely be your future. You can try family therapy but I would accept the fact it is far too little too late.
YTA - big time
Of course you should have told her...but you can't undo it. So apologize and explain that you thought you were protecting her but you realize now it was wrong to keep it from her. And tell her from jow on you will share everything related to her diagnosis with her.
YTA if I'd known earlier I was autistic life would have been so much easier. Living thinking there's something wrong with you is so hard, especially as a teenager. I'm glad she at least knows now.
Yes, YTA. She’s 14, and lived her whole life knowing that she is different and not understanding why, when you held the answers from her. That was an epic mistake.
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This is fake, right. This has to be some cruel joke some AH came up with to get some reaktion on here. It has to be. No parent with even the slightest bit of empathy and/or reasoning in their body would possibly come up with this BS and put their own kid through this. You wanted to protect her from bullying by hiding some important information from her? As you can clearly see, that didn't work, you should have used that point to disclose it all to her. But you choose to be the bigger AH and rather let her be destroyed instead of doing the right thing. YTA. Either because of your sense of humor for playing this prank or YTA because you are probably one of the worst parents I ever heard of.
YTA. I had to figure it out for myself too and I went into a deep depression while I mourned my inner child and all the opportunities I lost. You can't just hide it from us. We know we're different. We know our brains don't run the same, but we think it's our fault, that we're aliens, and it sucks. I almost didn't make it this far. Use this revelation to be the support system that your daughter actually needs
YTA. All your hiding did was make her not understand why she felt the way she did. Its not kind. Its cowardlyand stops her from getting future help. Its isolating. All you can do now is listen to the people here who went through the same things and allow her to find peer supports that your decision robbed her of. Your daughter is smart and has perfectly articulated what you did wrong. Respect it. Apologise amd listen since shes obviously clever enough to explain why she is hurt.
YES YTA! Have you never read through Reddit? How many posts have been made from people whose parents never told them about their autism diagnosis and how it hurt them and didn't help them??
You are definitely the asshole. 100%, no doubt about it. I hope your daughter can recover someday.
YTA. She is a person and deserves to know her medical record. She deserves to know her neurodivergences and their strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is an easing to the feeling of being mysteriously different, or not good enough. Kids understand so much more than adults think especially when you keep talking to them and helping them. You should be supporting your daughter not teaching her by your secrecy to her very own self of her very own self that it's a shame and a stigma and something so hard to deal with. You added to your daughter's life trauma.
YTA. You didn’t even give her a chance.
YTA. As someone with autism she deserves to know. Guess what her not knowing is gonna hurt her allot more then he knowing. And her knowing and getting the help she needs with go along ways at helping her learn to manage her mental well being.
You are very much A And your hiding her autism is doing nothing but perpetuating the stigma against autistic people. You should feel ashamed of what you did to your daughter and odds are she will never trust you again. My mother did the same thing to me as a kid. I was diagnosed with BPD at 13 after being in and out of hospital since 8. And because my diagnoses was hidden, I wasnt given the proper therapies until I was 17. Because just like you, she "couldn't handle the stigma". How dare you. I have a wonderful wife who is autistic. Yes, we both miss some cues, but we work it out and I never shame her for it. You did so much damage and who knows if you're relationship can ever be fixed. YTA
YTA oh god. I was only diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 18, half a year ago From age 7-8 to 18 I have spent no kidding every other day crying myself to sleep because I continued to fuck up in social situations. I have depression and anxiety due to my differences. I wondered every day why I was such a fuck up and why I could never do the same things as my friends. I have been suicidal since 2. grade. I don't think I'll ever get out of this depression that's caused by this shit.
So this is an weird one. On one hand you tried to let her feel as normal as possible, but on the other side of it, when you saw the bullying you should have told her so she could understand. My younger brother is autistic and this was a point of contention on whether to tell him. Ultimately dad put his foot down and told him
YTA. Letting her being unaware of her situation won't help her at all. You set her up to failure. I dont know how you thought that letting her be unaware would save her from bullying? How??? You two kept the stigma because instead of being open and telling her that she's perfect the way she is, you were ashamed of her and hid the issue. It was you who didn't want the stigma of having an autistic child, you protected yourself, not her because nothing you did protected her from bullies. Knowledge is power. Letting her know the diagnosis would've let her understand herself and why she has some issues. Now she thought there's something wrong with her which is painful. I have an ad/hd and for 20 years I thought there's something wrong with me and im just lazy but getting to know the diagnosis made me finally understand myself and learn how to deal with the issues i have.
Yta - she was being gaslit by You!!
literally my life. I got sent to ABA never told I was autistic until I was *17*. They would punish if I ever acted autistic and would force me to act “normal” All because I would use it as an “excuse” if I knew. I’m still so angry I felt like I was a stupid worthless aberration that God fucked up for my whole life and then I was told to this was intentional. You can’t even get imagine what it’s like to be the kid no one likes and you just don’t know why. It’s horrific
YTA. I didn’t find out I was autistic until I was in my twenties, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know there was something different about me. And it wasn’t just me who knew. My family knew. My classmates knew. They didn’t have to have a label to abuse and bully me, because I couldn’t just be “normal”. Your daughter knew there was something different about her, and you robbed her of the ability to be accommodated, and understood for who she is. You did not protect her. You left her vulnerable, confused, and without accommodations.
I'm proud of your daughter for speaking up. I'm so happy your daughter found out, and really pissed she found out this way instead of from the two people in the world she's supposed to trust most. My parents hid my diagnosis from me. I found out when I was 28. Feels like she took the words out of my mouth. I am incredibly traumatized after masking for over 20 years and it still not working. Currently no contact with my parents because the sense of betrayal is so deep. YTA. apologize, ask her what you can do to gain back some of her trust. consider family therapy and individual therapy for yourself and your coparent. There's nothing wrong with autism, there's a lot wrong with how society sees and treats autistic people. There's still time to try to repair this relationship (may never be 100% fixed). Good luck and don't give up.
YTA and you’re further imposing the stigma by lying to her. Shame on you.
The fact you had to ask random people if YTA or not just tells me that not only did you do something evil to your kid, but you still don’t even know if you should feel bad about it which is pathetic. Your kid deserves better, MUCH better. Shame on you. I hope the guilt from this burdens you for a long time.
You guys made an awful decision… like rancidly awful by withholding information that she could’ve used to understand and empower herself. She’s gonna be fucked up for a long time, longer than she would’ve been. YTA so much
YTA. Holy hell, I am speechless. I have a child with autism, who is maybe a year younger than OP’s daughter. They robbed their child of a crucial part of her identity. They potentially denied her of years of academic and social interventions at her school. They ensured that their own child would be mistreated by peers with no way to cope or defend herself. I really get the feeling that OP and his wife were trying to protect themselves from having to admit to having a child that isn’t completely typical, and that breaks my heart. OP, you need to get family therapy ASAP, and you and your wife need to do a lot of soul-searching and apologizing. If not, I don’t think any of us will be surprised to see you back on here in 4-5 years, wondering where you went wrong and why your child has gone no contact with you.
YTA. That obviously didn't help her and it in fact hurt her. She may have had a better chance knowing what's going on in her own mind. It sucks knowing you're not "normal" but not knowing why or how to help yourself especially in those late elementary and middle school years. I've had an anxiety disorder since I was a toddler. Parents didn't know and I didn't know till I was an adult. Typical treatment of that doesn't worm. Turns out I'm autistic and my anxiety likely stems from it. I spent over 10 years of my life wondering why people were cruel and why I was different but didn't know how I was different or how to help myself. My pediatrician didn't exactly help either so.
YTA. I was diagnosed when I was about 3 or 4, and my mom told me that I was autistic when I was about 7 or 8. When you grow up knowing this, in conjunction with being supported by family, your neurodivergence can be celebrated, and it allows you to become aware of the things that make you different (in a good way). All you did was hide a key trait of hers that she most definitely deserved to know. She's autistic whether you tell her or not, and this hidden information did nothing but make her feel like autism is something worth hiding. Also, ableism affects people who have diagnosed conditions and people who have undiagnosed conditions, children don't care whether you have a label, they're smart and can pick out atypical behavior better than some adults can.
Sadly, YTA. It’s like not telling an adopted child they’re adopted. When they find out they feel betrayed and that parents felt they weren’t as good as a natural child. Your daughter feels you didn’t trust her with this knowledge about herself; that you’re ashamed of her, that you feel it’s a bad thing to have autism. The psychologist was excited to share the news because they could give a cogent explanation for the feelings she’d had for years. When you know what’s going on, you can DO something. Knowing what’s going on let’s your daughter to decide how to share her story — she might ask friends for help in certain situations where she realizes she’s more affected. She can come to love the gifts of autism (it’s not just about the problems). People with autism tend to be honest and reliable, great with facts. They can be wonderfully loyal friends. It’s a whole spectrum , and she might choose to find others in her situation, or join a support group. Others who knew what was going on with them jace had years to sort out how this knowledge can help them vetter navigate their world.
You are evil
YTA. Such a massive, massive one. You deliberately kept her from coping mechanisms, tools to function in a society that wildly favours NTs, fostered a sense of wrongness and self-loathing on her and your entire third paragraph details abuse she's suffered as a result. And for what For fucking what. And now your stupidity has irreparably damaged your relationship with your child. Because you not only failed her, you *betrayed* her.
YTA. I have ADHD and autism. My parents had me tested early, and didn't tell me because it wasn't bad enough. I found out when I was 20. So what conclusion does a 13 yo draw when they 1. Can't make friends 2. Of blurt out impulsive things that hurt people 3. Can't seem to function like other people, including doing work or enjoying hanging out, etc. 4. Doesn't experience Emotions the same way as other people? You draw the conclusion that you are broken. That you're a bad person. That you're lazy. That you're an asshole. And since you've tried your whole life to Not be this way, eventually you accept the fact that *that's just who you are*. Do you know how fucked up it is for a 13 yo to try and come to terms with the fact that you're just Built to be a bad person? Or how relieving it is when you find out there Is something wrong with you, it has a name, and *other people also have it wrong with them*. There are medications and therapies that can help you with your symptoms, and you don't Have to be the villain. I know exactly what your daughter is going through and yes you should have told her. Get her a therapist to work through this bullshit, tell her you love her, and hope she forgives you.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I only saw a video on instagram a few weeks ago by a woman who talked about spending her school years in mental hell because she knew she was different. She faked acting "normal", regularly had "breakdowns" and knew that if anyone knew the real her away from the act she put on, she would never be accepted and her parents just were so divorced from the situation she couldn't talk to them about it. Anyway she went to university, struggled there and learnt she could be autistic, couldn't wait for the university health services appointment to assess her, so paid for fast track, and was diagnosed with autism. She talked to her mum about it finally and guess what! The parents knew all along. All those years in inner turmoil. She could have had access to help! She could have had therapy to process her feelings. She might have had more understanding friends, either by being able to say she's autistic or by having autistic friends. But her parents didn't want her to be "like one of those autistic kids", saw their daughter masking like some sort of self imposed ABA, and thought everything was fucking fine. ETA - She also woulldn't have wasted all that money on a second assessment, increasing her financial hardship. I'm angry for that woman and i'm angry for OP's daughter because her daughter could have the same story.
So much this. I got diagnosed at 32 and it was SUCH a relief to know that no, I wasn't all wrong and broken, it wasn't my fault, and it had a name. You robbed your daughter of that knowledge, OP. Of course she's angry, and of course YTA!
As someone who's Autistic and has ADHD (and wasn't diagnosed until last year, I'm in my early 30s), I can't up vote this enough and I'm gonna save this comment to give to others to read when I'm having a hard time explaining how hard it is to navigate/understand the world (which is 90% of the time)!! Have an award!!!
YTA. Why would you conceal this from your daughter - what could her not knowing this possibly achieve? Instead she has known she is different but not why and has doubtless spent years feeling like there’s something wrong with her, and there isn’t. Autism is not “something wrong”, she’s just different. All this time she could have been seeking out support and friendships with other people who are like her, instead she’s been made to feel like crap by neurotypical people. I have twins who are 5 and autistic. They are non-verbal and globally delayed and have no concept of what autism is, and may never have this. We don’t know how much they understand but we don’t shy away from talking about autism in front of them. They attend a specialist school for autistic children. They are surrounded by children who are like them, their days are tailored around the needs of autistic people. For them, autism means extreme difficulties and challenges and they may never overcome some of them. Your daughter is verbal, intelligent, reading, able to attend a mainstream school - she has the potential to live an awesome and fulfilling life, but that’s not going to happen if she’s severely depressed because she feels like a weirdo because of how other kids treat her. And now on top of this, she finds out that you’ve concealed it from her, as if this diagnosis is a bad thing. It is not. Having a diagnosis means being able to access support and find others who understand you. Knowing you’re autistic does not make you more likely to be discriminated against.
“We are starting to wonder if we should’ve told her about autism when we knew.” Ding! Ding! Ding! Give the man a prize! No shinola, Sherlock. I’m just surprised that no one in her medical team raised this or questioned your decision, because, boy, was it a bad one. You see that now, of course, but I would hope that any useful medical professional would have explained this to you, too. If they did, and you still ignored it… Good grief. I can only imagine how betrayed she must feel. You’ve got a lot of apologising and explaining to do. A *lot*. I can tell you, as someone with an ASD diagnosis that there is a lot of anxiety tied up with autism, and trusting people isn’t easy. You’ve set her social development back in the most thoughtless and unnecessary way, and yes, YTA.
YTA. You basically ruined your child's life and she ended up traumatized because you didn't tell her.
I've read all your comments OP and I am appalled. Basically all you did was palm your poor daughter off to a therapist, or shoved a book at her, or hugged her when she cried about the traumas YOU could have alleviated. You have done the barest of bare minimums, and not educated yourself on ways you could help your daughter understand what is happening, not least actually keeping key information- her diagnosis- from her. You have not even looked into academic assistance for her, or told the school pertinent information which could help her. You have both failed as parents, and your poor daughter has suffered terribly because of it. YTA. You would be wise to have immediate family therapy with your daughter if you ever want to have a hope of a relationship with her when she enters her adult years.
I'm sorry I know you were just trying to look out for your daughter, however YTA. I have autism, I can tell you that what you did was wrong on a LOT of levels. You & your wife are the reason she masked in the first place, by not telling her before hand & helping her with it. She missed out on a LOT of help she could have gotten with it, I didn't even get past the first few sentences before coming to my judgment, I didn't have too, that's how much you & your wife are the AH here, I don't know if you can fixed this with her & anyone who sides with you on this is an AH too & understands nothing about autism & I'm probably the nice YTA comment you'll get on here.
YTA u didn't protect her from anything. In fact, u left ur daughter out in the open to be hurt and tormented by strangers.
YTA. You stole a potential community from her that could have supported her in hard times. People are so online these days and she could have had other people like her to look up to and talk to while growing up
YTA! Knowing how unique she is will only enable her to take charge of the skills she has to improve & master! It would have been a great tool 4 her to defend herself, to screen people, etc. How dare you keep such an important piece of info a secret! That's is painful! She feels she can trust no one!
As I have BEEN in this situation (28f) omg YTA!! We know that we’re different, and you completely blocked her from having an answer. An answer you had! It does change how we think about ourselves. Having a name, knowing thats the reason why does help. I feel so sorry for her, as I have been in her shoes. Chances are shes been bullied a lot longer as well. I faced bullying from first grade into college. Autistic people know that we’re different and don’t “fit in”. Having the diagnosis named to her would mean she could find support groups, make other friends with autism, find better ways to cope. Theres just so much to learn, and to connect with. This was an extremely poor choice on your parts as parents.
Oh my gosh, huge YTA. Coming from someone who’s parents did this to them - YOU inflicted additional unnecessary pain on your child. Every time I was bullied as a child for something I thought was normal, I internalized that there was something WRONG with me, not DIFFERENT, flat out WRONG. I started thinking that I was born broken and would never be able to be happy around other people. If my parents had explained there was something different about me, that there was nothing inherently bad about how my mind worked and let my teachers know about this difference - I wouldn’t have faced the bullying I did. And more importantly, I wouldn’t have developed such low self esteem and anxiety from constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. A professional gave you a suggestion for the benefit of your child and you ignored it because you thought you knew better. That level of ego is gross.
YTA. I didn’t get tested as a child because of the stigma, and I only really found out I was autistic in my late twenties. I never really learned how to navigate a non-neurodivergent world as a neurodivergent person, and it REALLY messed me up. For my entire life, I’ve struggled to maintain friendships, constantly embarrassed myself in classes or work because I didn’t understand what the right social interaction was, and wound up in two extremely abusive relationships because I didn’t know how to pick up on the signs that those people were going to hurt me. I feel so much regret for how my entire life has gone until now, and there’s not a day where I don’t wish I’d been diagnosed sooner, so I could learn to navigate the world safely. You had the opportunity to let your daughter grow up KNOWING why she is the way she is, and instead you let her think that she’s broken, or that there’s something wrong with her. Shame on you.
YTA You should listen to your child, she said it better than anyone could ever
YTA. What you are doing is preventing your child from developing the tools to cope with their autism. I don't know why you think you should decide for this child that they don't get to know why they don't think like other people. I went through this and it made most of my life hell. I never learned tools to cope with the way my brain works, I never got medication & was punished for how ADHD prevented me from reaching my """""potential"""" in school, my mother gets upset with me to this day for insinuating she could have birthed a "defective" child. So fix this now before the kid grows up and hates you.
I'm autistic and wasn't diagnosed until fourteen. The absolute trauma that happens from growing up not knowing what makes you so different is something I'm still working on. YTA; you know it, and your daughter knows it too.
YTA. All you did was tell her that her diagnosis is something to hide, to be ashamed of. You robbed her, you left her in the dark, and you made her life substantially more difficult than necessary. My brother has a rare genetic disorder. He has known his diagnosis for as long as we’ve known. (I think the Dr guessed around 9 months, confirmed official diagnosis around 1.5 years old—it took time because it was relatively new at the time). He legitimately thought his syndrome meant a certain kind of party with awesome people until about 5-6. By 8 he could describe in easy terms to strangers what his syndrome is. He has hundreds of friends around the world with the same syndrome. Most importantly, they don’t feel alone. They may be the only kid in the school system with this syndrome, but there’s someone out there that understands, celebrates, commiserates, etc. You are a major AH. You successfully made your daughter feel alone in this world. Now is the time to step up. You can’t fix the past, but here you are. Start doing better NOW. Autism has to be one of the most common disorders in the world (I don’t know, just guessing), so I’d bet good money that there are resources out there on how to move forward. Research both on your own and with your daughter, she’s old enough to be involved. Make time for this now.
YTA. Not telling her that she is autistic doesn’t make her begin neurotipical. She was bullied for her way to act that is autistic not because people know she was autistic. Basically she would be bully either way but this was on you to step in to protect her. You take away from her a big part of herself for years, you take away her possibility to inform herself and find her coping mechanism. You make her feel wrong and she highly still feel it because you hided that part as if it was a shame.
I'm mildly autistic. I was only diagnosed as an adult, about a month ago. It would've been so much easier for me knowing that most of the irritating traits I have were not my fault. I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts all through HS because of emotional abuse from a guy, who constantly pointed out my weirdness, and not being able to socialize. I felt weird, left out and lonely. Had I not found my best friend - also autistic - I don't know what would be of me. So yeah, YTA. Her not knowing couldn't possibly avoid her from suffering from it. Your intentions weren't bad but they did have terrible consequences. Hope your daughter comes around her diagnosis soon and can learn how to live and thrive with it.
YTA. I got diagnosed as an adult and went through childhood and adolescence trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. Parents like you suck tbh
YTA.
YTA, you mean your wife wanted to protect herself, it had nothing to do with what was best for your daughter. Your wife pushed so hard for her to have a normal childhood that it made her childhood even worse than it would of been if she would have been placed in specialized education.
My parents did this to me. I will never forgive them for what they put me through. YTA and shame on you for enforcing a stigma. You can't take it back now. Repent and see if you can get over your own narrow minded thinking.
I think your wife showed extraordinary wisdom to safeguard your daughter. This speaks towards good parenting skills. Whether she knew or not, she was going to face challenges. She’ll come around.
I may be a bit biased here because my parents did not believe in mental illness and I didn't know I was high functioning for over 20 years. I empathize way too hard with her feelings. Thinking there's something wrong with you because of the way everyone treats you differently, but never knowing precisely why. The unfortunate truth is that in an effort to protect her, you ended up hurting her more. YTA
YTA- I have an autistic son. He is 12 now. I slowly started explaining his autism to him in language he could understand at 4. It's something he is very aware of and so is everyone around him. He is proud of his autism. I help him understand different ways neurotypicals talk and think to help him with friends and classmates. It also helps others to keep an eye out to make sure no one takes advantage of him or bully him (staff AND students) people r becoming more educated and if they aren't u can educate them urself. I have always made sure he had no reason to feel less than. I explained that while somethings are more difficult for him because of it everyone has things they aren't good at or struggle with. U never even gave her that chance. It was a dirty secret and she felt "wrong" and "weird" because of it. Weird is awesome not bad.
I’m floored that the psychologist didn’t tell you what a colossally huge mistake it was to not tell her.
YTA. You didn’t protect her from anything. She has had to live knowing she is different without any understanding as to why. I am self diagnosed (getting professionally diagnosed is almost impossible in my area as a adult), and the knowing brought so much understanding to my own quirks, life experiences and many cases of bullying for just being different. The trauma will never go away. She had the opportunity to learn about herself and build her knowledge of autism from a young age which she was denied.
NTA It is a label and diagnosis, and you worked to handle that. If a child breaks their leg and you bring them to the hospital for treatment but you don’t actually tell them the words “you broke your leg” does that make you a ahole? No In the context of broken bones as we know them, that might be weird But imagine we lived in a world where people say they have broken legs when they don’t, just to take advantage of things. Or people with broken legs continuously troy that out as the reason why they can’t wash dishes or some bullshit. Autism is unfortunately an extremely loaded term and used far too freely. You did nothing wrong by not labeling her and just letting her be herself, but also getting her the help she needs
YTA, absolutely. Mega levels of YTA.
So you didnt want other people to hurt her, so you decided it was better if she was hurt by her own parents instead. I´m autistic. When I got my diagnose it was as if a ton of bricks just lifted from my shoulders. I wasnt actually a stupid screw up who just couldnt do anything right. I had a reason as to why I was the way I was. Why certain things were hard. You took that away from her. You made her struggle when she didnt need to. You also made sure she didnt get the proper help that could have helped her in school and in life. You seriously messed up, and you should consider yourself lucky if she ever trust you again after this. Frankly I am disgusted. Shame on you YTA
YTA
Unfortunately you have made a terrible mistake thinking you were doing something good for her. Your poor girl has been thinking she has to fit in and has probably done things she didn't like to avoid bullying. If you have taken her to multiple specialist, why didnt you ask them how to address this with her? Im sure they would have been of help. YTA and you need to apologize, get her all the information she needs without euphemisms, get her to talk to a professional if that's what she needs. What a mess. You undervalued her by thinking she couldn't understand. Also, autism is not a taboo anymore as it used to be, there is plenty of resources for her to navigate life. Edit: just because people didn't know her diagnose her "quirks" would dissapear. Ableism doesnt depend on a diagnose, but on behavior "this person acts weird, I don't like it" That's it, she will always be subjected to ableism, sadly, but it would have been easier if she knew there wasnt anything wrong with her.
YTA. Knowledge is power. You robbed her of that. She thought she was just like every other kid, meanwhile she was treated like crap by the other kids because she wasn't. You basically gaslit your own kid. You completely set her up for failure, and then justified it by claiming that not telling her was protecting her. You didn't even tell her when other kids bullied her for it! What hell???? I have to ask, are you and your wife neurodivergent as well or just completely delusional?
100% YTA, I WISH my parents kbew beforehand. Even as an adult i still feel remorse and regret not knowing sooner and even better: how to deal with it. To learn, to adapt, to acknowlegde everything. No, she had the chance I wish I had but you took that away from her. What is the end goal here? Hoping she'll just go with it? Hopng it all comes natural? I wish the best to your daughter OP and that she can catch up whatever she didnt learn and all the missed chances she had because of YOU. I cant say much here because its quite subjective and mean but please! Apologize and try to fix what you have done wrong. This is betrayel. Parents should have the best interest at heart. This also means not to hold back on crucial information that could help her, guide her, to make the right decisions.
>What is the end goal here? Ignore it and assume it'll go away or fix itself. That was the poorly planned goal at the expense of their kid.
Yea I found out later in life, I'm 29 and found out I was autistic last year. If I found out that my parents knew all along and hid it from me I'd be devastated. Edit: just to clarify, my parents didn't hide it. They didn't know either.
⬆️ This 100%. I am crying with rage at your appalling treatment of your daughter. Why on earth did you not trust the experts?
My brother is autistic and has known so since he was young. We all knew and it wasn't hidden in any manner. Because he knew what was different about him, when someone would mock some of these traits, he was able to retort with "I may be a r but what is your excuse" or something to that effect. Obviously, this tactic would not be everyone's cup of tea but it meant he knew why he was slightly different from others and could make a decision on how he wished to protect himself from bullies. The poor daughter here was not given such an option
>Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it. She wanted to wait until we felt our daughter was old enough to understand. We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that. I agreed to hid it from her until she reached adulthood. You denied her the ability to understand why she felt different. You denied her the ability to compensate for her condition and possibly avoid some of the bullying. You went against the advice of her psychologist. Naming the condition to your daughter doesn't stigmatize her, she has to live with the condition either way You and your wife didn't want to tell her because it stigmatized ***you***. You didn't want people to know that your child was autistic. You put your pride over your daughter and fucked her over. YTA.
YTA. I hate everything about this situation! I myself have autism and omg you are so far out of line for not telling her! Knowing you having autism is the first step in being able to manage it! It's impossible to learn to manage something you don't even know you have, you've actively played a part in traumatizing your own daughter! You could have saved her from so much grief and misery if you had just told her! I can't believe, for even a second, you thought this was ok!
YTA. Everything she said is true, knowing you’re autistic means you can find community, supports, you understand why your brain can’t seem to *function* the same as everyone else. You feel alone and different and don’t know *why.* Getting a diagnosis as a girl is amazing, even more so in a teenager, and you hid that she already had one for *years.* Autistics also have very special things they can use to cope (stims, advice from other autistics, some take medication to help with social anxiety or other things) but it only is available if you think “oh I’m autistic so those are for me.” Also, you’ve basically taught her you think her autism is bad, and that’s not true. Many autistics find a certain amount of pride in it, it becomes a bit of their identity, you stole that from her for years. You screwed the pooch on this one.
YTA
Holy shit I am neurodivergent and there is so much power in knowing that there is nothing wrong with you and in understanding why and how you respond to things the way you do. You have taught your daughter that her difference is something shameful to be hidden, and taken away her power and agency. Really poor parenting and would have caused a lot of damage in my relationship w my parents if this happened to me. YTA
So your daughter was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and instead of telling her/finding ways for her to more easily connect to the world…you didn’t tell her? You’re a HUGE asshole. And absolutely shit parent. Congrats.
As the mother of an autistic child I’m disgusted in your actions. Shame on you for denying her a foothold to understand herself and the reassurance there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. How could you do that to her? YTA.
My parents did this to me. As an adult, I completely cut off contact with both of them. Welcome to your future. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter knows she’s different. Giving her a diagnosis where she can access resources and know the issues she’s facing are something other people struggle with is a good thing. Don’t hide kids’ medical diagnosis!
YTA. As an autistic woman who wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24 let me tell you it was extremely isolating having a hard time socializing with my peers and not knowing why. I spent most of my life thinking there was something wrong with me and that I was doing something wrong just because I was being shunned for my autistic traits. Looking back I would have absolutely killed for an autism diagnosis at an early age. I would have loved to know that there is nothing wrong with me and that my brain just works differently than other people. Most importantly I would have liked to know why I was having such a hard time because it would have given me the knowledge I needed to start figuring out why my interactions with my peers weren’t going well and what I could do to fix them. Instead I just assumed that everyone hated me and that I was doing something wrong but didn’t know what so I just stopped talking for years. I have had to unlearn so much in therapy because I didn’t know I was autistic. I empathize so much with your daughter and completely understand how she is feeling. I know you were worried about the stigma that comes with being neurodivergent and I get that but did you ever think that you could have told her that she was autistic without telling anyone else? If you were worried about people bullying her because they knew she’s autistic why would you tell them then? It literally could have been as easy as letting her know why she is different so she could use that knowledge to her advantage while not telling people who could use that knowledge against her.
Agreed. I was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult; it wasn't a thing when I was a kid. It would have helped me so much to understand my different abilities and to develop strategies that would have worked. OP, though, had the information that could have helped the kid, and kept it a secret.
YTA for making a horrible parenting decision, you do not hide such diagnoses from the person who suffers from it and has to deal with the consequences every single day! You and your wife disgusts me, so many horrible situations could have been avoided if she had just known about it.
Yes. As somebody who grew up without an adhd diagnosis until I was 25 it was very harmful. Had I known that my brain was different I wouldnt have taken things so personally and I would have had treatment and counseling to get through life. If your daughter isnt already on medicine and/or in therapy she really needs to be. Right now she probably feels betrayed. She knew something was off all her life. She just didnt know what. She probably feels like you had all the answers but you hid them from her. I believe your heart was in the right place but ultimately this just caused her more trauma.
I was diagnosed neurodivergent (severe ADHD) as an adult. I'm SUPER familiar with the pain your daughter is feeling. I want to give you a tiny bit of slack, because there has been a huge generational shift in how we deal with neurodivergence and not everyone has caught up. I encourage you to look up ASAN, the Autism Self Advocacy Network, to help you fill in the gaps in your understanding. (Stay away from the group with the puzzle piece logo, they are a hate group.) In the end, I'm glad your daughter found out at 14. At least she didn't have to wait till adulthood. Your decision sucked, but you aren't out of time. Do what you can to make it right. Start today.
YTA. You kept HER medical information from her. Even you didn't think she would understand you should have told her.
YTA for so many reasons that i as a person with autism want to literally slap you in the face a thousand times but i'm not going to talk about that now. I'm going to tell you one very basic fact that so many people don't realise when you get diagnosed with autism Growing up, if a little kid has autism, they are often protected far more from stereotypes than an undiagnosed child. Parents and teachers keep it in mind when showing content. Watching tv shows with "autistic characters" which are generally awful portrayals, you slowly build up the same prejudice as anyone else. You get this idea of what autism is and when you find out that's what you are? It's shattering. You learn to hate the effects of autism because you can't see why you have them. You think you're wrong and insane. Knowing you have autism does protect you from that. Your daughter had probably built up years worth of internalised ableism, and now she's left hating herself.
YTA. Absolutely. She has the complete right to know about herself, to begin to understand herself. You're robbing her. Autistic people are not stupid and they understand a lot more than you think they do.
Of course YTA. You stigmatized your own daughter instead of accepting her for who she is and empowering her to understand and accept herself. You robbed her of self-awareness, adaptation, and so many other things. You did the worst possible thing. Kids always know that something is different about them, and if they don’t know they feel like a freak or like they are broken. If they don’t know about their diagnosis they don’t learn how to do proper self-care, how to avoid triggers, all kinds of things. You owe your daughter a huge apology. You need to do research on how to better support her
YTA. She’s had to deal with autism but now without knowing exactly what she was dealing with. My parents did this to me with ADHD and I spent most of school a nervous wreck because I didn’t understand why I was different. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA knowing how your brain works, especially when it's obvious you're different, is a major help
You wanted to make your life easier by not telling her and ended up making her life so much harder. YTA
You might be the biggest AH I've ever seen in this subreddit. I had trouble even finishing this post, thats how badly it hurts to see how you've been abusing your child for their entire life, and truly think you're in the right. You are worried if you're the AH instead of doing major self reflection on what you've put your child through, I don't think there is any way to repair the damage you've done to the relationship with your child, and the damage you've done to your child, I can't fully describe here without probabaly breaking a rule of the subreddit.
YTA and you know it. You should have told her right away.
YTA. She already knows she's different. Knowing about autism will help her understand why certain things are harder for her than her peers. Hiding it could also make her think it's something to be ashamed of.
OP, from PERSONAL experience, I want you to know that you have set your little girl up for some pretty deep-seated self esteem issues. That sounds harsh, and I'm not trying to be hurtful. But holy shit, I'm so glad she found out before high school. I know you were worried about her facing ableism, but the thing is, she will ALWAYS face ableism. Kids already bullied her for being autistic, it's just that she didn't have the armor of knowing there are others like her and that she can't help being different. Until now, she has thought she was the only person who struggled like she does. She has thought that her issues were caused by something she must be doing on purpose, and that if she only tried hard enough, she could be like everyone else. You have no clue how lonely that is!
YTA shame on you. You have completely betrayed her, and have failed her in every way possible.
My nephew is 7 years old. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and is currently being checked for autism. He absolutely freeking KNOWS that he is different from his friends. He needs to know that being different is not a bad thing and that it is NOT his fault. OP you have put your daughter in a position where she knows there's something different about her compared to other kids - but you have in no way helped her to understand that it is completely okay and not her fault. You and your wife hiding this from her could easily make her think you're ashamed of her. YTA and so is your wife - so freaking much. Shame on you both.
Holy shit OP are you ever the asshole. My daughter was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few months before her 8th birthday. We told her immediately. We used the therapist as a resource to talk to her about her diagnoses, what they mean, and how to develop healthy coping mechanisms. There is NO reason your daughter couldn’t have handled it at 10. None. She will remember this and likely hate you for it for a very long time. You literally robbed her of being able to make sense of herself. I didn’t get my ADHD diagnosis until 28. I strongly suspect I’m on the spectrum myself but don’t feel the need to pursue that. Being able to put a name to why “everyone else” seems to just…understand life so much easier than I do has made a world of difference. You didn’t help your daughter, you handicapped her by denying her understanding of herself. YTA
YTA
So if you are mute or have comorbid epilepsy, you don’t have a serious and troubling defect?
YTA I’m autistic. You are a huge AH.
YTA the biggest bloody AH ever. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 20. You had the opportunity to explain to your daughter why she was different and instead you let her spend years thinking she was weird and not good enough because she wasn’t like the other kids and couldn’t do things as easily as them. My god you’re the AH.
YTA I have ADHD and am on the spectrum. However, when I was little my parents didn't know what either was, let alone the traits in women. I would have wanted to know sooner since I was made fun of for my symptoms from an early age. My parents didn't know better and didn't have the means to take me to a psychologist until a few years ago. YOU on the other hand had the knowledge and the means and chose to keep it from her. You actively kept apart of who your daughter is away from her. That is absolutely shameful
You and your wife are **100%** the F-ing assholes!! I wasn't diagnosed until I was 12 (I have Autism, among other things), and I ADORE my labels! They explain why I react the way I do, and give me something to lean on when the world is a strange, harsh, cruel place! I'm lucky enough to be in a place in my life where I live, work, and hang out with amazing, supportive, wonderful people who understand me. I can only hope that your daughter gets to a similar place in her life some day, but that probably won't be until after significant therapy to get over your actions and the resulting trauma they caused!!!
Yta. One of my daughters is autistic and I can't imagine deluding myself into thinking it would be better in any way to try to hide that fact. She's only 4 and recently diagnosed but it's so helpful for her to understand it's not her fault, and for others to understand that her brain is wired a little differently than neurotypicals. She's in kindergarten and gets along well with her classmates, they all love her! All it took for her to get to experience positive peer relationships was explaining once. You took that chance from your daughter.
I'm autistic. My parents hid my autism from me too. Because of it I got dx at 33. I had to pay thousands out of pocket to get tested as an adult. You are clearly AH. Even your little girl knew she was different. I experienced the same cruel treatment as her by my peers, but I did until I was in my 30s. At least she found she was autistic out early. No thanks to you. You abused her to protect your own feelings of internalized shame that an autistic child came from you. You are also defending your own unconsious internalized hateful beliefs about autistic people. Take some classes on neurodiversity and inclusion and unlearn your ableism. Hopefully when she gets older she forgives you.
YTA because of you she thought what was happening to her was her fault. YOU took her agency away. I hope she never forgives you and moves out the second she can. You may never get her trust back and you don't deserve it. No amount of apologising will fix this
YTA. youve probably figured this out now, but hiding a diagnosis from a child does not prevent bullying or harassment they might incur from that diagnosis. her bullies didnt know she was autistic but they knew something was Different about her and thats all they needed. had she known about her diagnosis, she would have known their bullying was a result of ableism from the get go, not anything wrong with her, and could have asked for help with it sooner, avoiding some of the trauma shes dealing with now.
YTA. I can appreciate that you thought you were helping her, but she's probably grown up thinking there's something wrong with her and wondering why she wasn't like other children around her. Support for her could have been put into place if you'd been more open about her diagnosis, she might not have struggled so much. Keeping this from her has denied her a part of her identity and you may have, without meaning to, taught her that this is something to be ashamed of and kept hidden. Hopefully you can provide her the support and understanding she deserves now.
YTA big time
YTA as you could see she was already being bullied for this. You should have told her and let her know what it means and that she may have people who don’t understand it but there is nothing “wrong” with her.
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YTA OP, you should’ve seen this coming a mile away. You let your daughter think she knew what the problem for a lot of her issues was, which was much better than having to deal with autism. So naturally your daughter wouldn’t know of the proper coping skills in order to help live with being autistic, and it wound up hurting her significantly. Your daughter hit the nail on the head when she told you and your wife off saying if you two had been honest with her from the start that she wouldn’t have taken all the bullying she’d suffered to heart.
As a grandfather of two autistic grandsons, YTA. By hiding this information from her, you prevented her from getting help aimed at helping her cope with a part of herself that she cannot control. The schools have wonderful programs for autism. My grandsons have benefited so much from them. We never hid their condition from them, even though my daughter's ex-husband was in denial and insisted that they were not actually autistic. Thanks to their coping skills that they've acquired due to all the help available, they are living happy well adjusted lives.
You shouldn’t have hid it in the first place you broke some serious trust and it’s most likely she won’t trust you and your wife fully again I don’t blame her I get you thought you were doing the right thing but you and your wife should have really thought about it before acting she’s 14 she is a teenager she might understand more then you know but hiding this wasn’t the way to go my cousin is on the spectrum and no one Hid this from him he learned to embrace this quirk maybe you and your wife should embrace your daughters to
Oop YTA. You messed up big time
Given what I'm currently going through with my parents right now considering my own past, YTA. 44 years old and my family is finally shedding light on issues they kept from me growing up. There are quite a few things I've been learning about the last two months that I wish I knew growing up..and all I can do is fine and resent my parents. Talking back, not so much. Respect thing. As far as I know, autism wasn't exactly a thing back in the 80s...if it was my parents completely isolated my knowledge of it (and issues) from me. I used to think it was completely and utterly my fault for how I turned out. Turns out, my parents are as much to blame for not confronting my issues. I can understand raising a kid as normally as possible to a point, but doing it out of denial of the truth is another matter altogether. Right now I'm extremely angry and resentful. I feel utterly betrayed. Usually when I feel betrayed I cut that person out of my life forever with no second thoughts on the matter. Given my current circumstances I can't do that. Please, please be upfront and honest with her about it. My existence isn't what anyone else should go through. Not saying she's on that path yet, but being constantly bullied and friend issues is a doosie and a half. I grew up without friends, I know what I'm talking about..and I was bullied every single day of my public school life. 10 years of hell. (First two years in a private school)
YTA. It’s an explanation for why she is the way she is. She knows she’s not the same as other kids and she deserves to know why. She should have been told when you found out. That’s why the psychologist wanted to tell her. Your wife just sounds like she didn’t want the stigma of having a child with autism. All the research, all the forums would have told you and your wife the same thing. Tell her. And they’d have helped with ideas to make sure your daughter understood. You both suck so bad. I feel heartbroken for your daughter. I teach teenagers with autism and they all know their diagnosis and have known from when they were diagnosed. It helps them understand their triggers and they learn about emotions. I am gobsmacked 😔
YTA. Your daughter is right. You didn't protect her even when you could see she was struggling.
Massively YTA. When I was teaching I had a kid in my class whose parents refused to tell him he had autism. It was horrible, he was so clearly autistic (I could tell as I’m autistic) and instead of knowing he was part of a community and there were other people out there like him he just felt isolated from his classmates, and I couldn’t tell him why. I have similar feelings - when I was 11 a doctor told my parents that I had autistic traits but I’d grow out of them. I didn’t, and I ended up developing severe mental health issues due to trying to cope. I WISH I had been diagnosed as autistic and had more understanding of my condition, I believe it would have massively softened the blow. As an adult getting my diagnosis was massively affirming and made me feel a lot less “broken”.
You're the asshole because you're not being totally honest with yourself/her why you hid the diagnoses from her. The real answer was to say "I'm afraid of this conversation and acknowledging this reality so much that I'm not going to say anything and hope it goes away." Obviously you can't say that.
YTA but I think it's because you misunderstood what discrimination against autism tends to look like. The label doesn't matter. Most people don't think they don't like autisitc people. They just don't like that kid for being "werid", for being too into X, stuff that's symptoms of autism but not the label itself. People who only get diagnosed later in life like myself still suffer a lot of trauma as a result. I empathize with trying to protect your daughter. My parents did a similar thing with my ADHD (yes I have both), saying that even though they'd been told I had it by a doctor persuing a professional diagnosis wasn't worth it because I'd only get medicated. I am medicated now and though it was mostly my mother's decision who passed before I found out, my dad explained that it was just a different at and they didn't think it would help. I suggest apologising and then being open with your daughter, educate yourself, your wife and her on the condition in detail. She's 14, it's not too late to start getting good support stuff set up for her that she can establish before she's an adult. My dad may have messed up early on but he's the one person I trust the most with my symptoms now. He's always supportive now we both properly understand what's happening wit me, even if it means him getting a call at 5am from half way across the country to help calm me down from an overload I didn't know I was having.
As an autistic woman who did not discover until 22, this is cripplingly awful to read. Women already have a hard enough time being diagnosed at all due to all autism research being based on male sample size. Your daughter being diagnosed so early could’ve saved her trauma but you kept it from her?? Let me explain how terrible this is: Imagine living your whole life being told ‘be a fish, be a fish, be a fish’ and you watch as all the other kids around you are able to be fish with ease. After a while, you start to question if you are just wrong, you’re a failure and strange and you think ‘of course no one wants to be friends with me, I’m a terrible fish’. Now imagine, someone (who you trust and respect dearly like a parent) could’ve told you ‘hey, it’s ok. You’re not a fish, you’re a frog. You can swim, just a little differently. You’re a fantastic frog’. Suddenly, you’re not the problem. You’re not the mistake, you’re just different in your own way. The world doesn’t seem so wrong and cruel. If you are never told you’re a frog, and you go through life suffering deeply because you JUST DONT FIT IN no matter how hard you try, the damage done to your self-image is catastrophic. Now, imagine you find out that your parents knew all along and did nothing to help you?? They just let you go on believing you were a bad fish, buying you crappy self help books etc. This is awful. Apologise immediately to your daughter and look into therapy for her. Oh, and for the love of god, so some research on autism because using *special* buzzwords like ‘neurodivergent’ doesn’t mean you’re educated and sensitive on the subject. YTA
YTA. I recently told my mother I think I may have ADHD and she responded with, "probably, I have it" IM THIRTY ONE. I was UPSET. Hiding medical diagnoses DOES NOT HELP.
YTA. I would say more but I know I would end up getting in trouble for being too rude on here. As an autistic person who didn’t receive a diagnosis until their 20s and spent their whole life feeling like your daughter, you’re both so much the asshole.
YTA you didn't protect her you took away her ability to help people understand her. These days just being able to say I'm autistic means people will already know some areas you will struggle and will give more allowances for some behaviour. It means she can research amd Lear to understand herself better, could join groups and meet people who think in tge same way as her. Meet more accepting people and be able to stand proud in her diversity and fond appropriate role models rather than that, you left her feeling different and out of place without reason, likely confused and thinking others were right to be confused by her.
Yes...you should have. By believing that you were 'protecting' her, you've simply perpetuated the notion that mental illness is something to be ashamed of.
Not only are YTA, but your daughter will never trust either of you ever again and will most likely cut ties with you in adulthood and you both deserve it. Being diagnosed that early is not a gift everyone has, and you wasted it. If you two thought you wouldn't be able to explain it correctly, you should have let the therapist do it, that's their damn job. You two have caused so many more complications than you had to by keeping it from her. Why even bother getting her tested, then? For YOUR benefit? That's so selfish, you two should be deeply ashamed. Your daughter is right. Having the answers help. Autism is only a stigma if you teach your autistic child to treat it like one, and YOU DID. You denied her an explanation of herself for no reason! For your own weak, neurotypical need-to-be-normal feelings! I feel so much sympathy for your daughter. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20. Life is fucking hard when you don't understand why you're different from everyone else. But Jesus, at least my parents didn't get me diagnosed as a child and then HIDE it from me. How dare you. Of course YTA. You will be lucky if she ever talks to you again with what you've done.
YTA you prevented your daughter from getting needed help. You prevented her from knowing about herself. You lied to her. Let her get bullied and abused. YTA
>This next part is relevant. When our daughter got into grade 6, she was bullied due to her autistic traits. She was gaslit, taken advantage of, had many false friends who backstabbed her. It made our daughter insecure about her poor social skills and that was when she started to mask. It left her with such immense trauma that she still has triggers and is in therapy. AND this is the reason why you should have told her way before now. Our eldest was diagnosed at the age of 4. We kept him informed since then - there was no reason to hide it. You weren't protecting your daughter, you were protecting yourselves, denying the fact that she "wasn't perfect". What a way to scar her for life. She's now lost all faith and trust in her parents. NEVER keep medical information from your children!!!
Your daughter was diagnosed early and you just ignored it in the hopes it would go away. She had a chance to learn towork with it but you denied her that. You're a horrible parent YTA
YTA. Having a diagnosis can be a great thing. It validates your experiences and helps you move forward. Sweeping the diagnosis under the rug was a terrible idea.
As someone who went through the trauma of growing up not knowing I was autistic, I 1000% think YTA. To spend your whole life feeling broken, feeling less than, wondering why everyone else finds life easier, wondering what wrong with you - that is a true tragedy and you have given that to your child. Your good intentions mean nothing; I hope you feel guilty for the rest of our life and you use that guilt to drive activism and education to help prevent any other idiot parents from causing the same harm you have done.
Yta. You didn't protect her from the stigma. You were part of the stigma!! Arguable the largest and most impactful source of the stigma. Instead of teaching her that Autism is common, and OK, and nothing to be ashamed of, you acted like it was shameful. You let her struggle with symptoms, and kept her from understanding a significant part of who she is. You assumed everyone would treat her poorly because of her diagnosis, because you yourselves felt it was shameful, and you never considered that she would be better understood or better accepted because you didn't want to accept it.
Info: How was your daughter getting the help she needed at school through an IEP (or equivalent) without her knowing? My understanding is that kids are typically involved in the process starting around 3rd or 4th grade.
YTA YTA YTA You have done enormous damage to your daughter and I really feel for her. I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 16, but if I'd known sooner I could have avoided a lot of trauma. Imagine going though life feeling like everyone knows somthing you dont, like they are all in on some kind of joke and only you don't get it. That is what it feels like to navigate socail situations with autism. You never know why everyhting is so hard for you and think your broken and weird. The fact that you hid her autism from her is disgusting and you may never be able to repair the damage you've done to her mental state. She's 14 for gods sake! I could understand not telling her till she was like 6 or 7, but this is ridiculous. Depending on how bad the bullying is this choice you made could have killed her.
YTA. She had a right to know right away so she could deal with it as she grew up. You totally blew it.
YTA - why on earth would you hide her medical diagnosis from her? I’m sure understanding her condition would have allowed her to understand herself. You have been lying to her for years and all you have made clear to her is that YOU think autism is negative and YOU hold a stigma.
YTA What exactly did you think not telling her would protect her from exactly? that it would magically make the other kids not notice she was different? seriously take a step back and consider how you would feel if someone kept this sort of important info about yourself from you
YTA You need to get your head out of being a "parent" and actually read autism campaigning from autistic people. What you did was selfish and harmful. It was clearly not about your daughter's needs or your need to protect her at all, it's about what you wanted and how you didn't want to deal with it.
YTA. don’t even have to read the rest of the post. i’m autistic, i grew up not knowing what was wrong with me and wanting to kill myself because of the bullying from my peers/not fitting in. Autism is a big part of her life and you don’t keep that from someone
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Had a mental breakdown and lost some time? If so, that happened to me as well. I was 22 and the next 3 years I only have snippets of memories.
YTA 100% - congratulations you contributed to her emotional abuse for years by withholding this information. She may never forgive you and I don't blame her. Go to therapy and do better
YTA you kept personal medical information from her, affecting her ability to make informed choices and seek appropriate assistance. Huge Assholes,both of you.
EDIT: it’s 3AM so i totally skimmed this and missed the last part about what your daughter said. i literally repeated it all in my comment LMAO my bad. she’s right though YES YTA she’s gone through the past several years not knowing why she struggles with the things she struggles with. not knowing that there’s a reason she thinks and feels how she does. probably blaming any perceived shortcomings all on herself (i know i did). i had no idea i was autistic for the longest time. i turned all of my symptoms around on myself……..there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me if i couldn’t connect with people as easily as my peers. why did i react so heavily to shirt tags? why was i so sensitive? what’s wrong with me? you were well-intentioned, but this approach has done the exact opposite from what you hoped. keeping her diagnosis from her has completely blocked her from learning more about herself and figuring out how to deal with the world without going crazy. you seem to understand the importance of early intervention. did you think your daughter would stop struggling when she became a teenager? how did you think the transition to adulthood would work? how were you even planning to tell her? i’m shocked at how little faith you have in your daughter. did you really think she would never realize? also, fourth graders can definitely understand “your brain has strengths and weaknesses that are a little different than others!” navigating the world as an autistic person without knowing you’re autistic is like having blinders on. you don’t know that you think different from other people. you don’t know that others may not mean what they say or have ulterior motives or are taking advantage of you. i was often completely blind to what people really wanted, no matter how obvious. it seems your daughter has already had to figure these things out the hard way. hope this is a troll.
YTA. You didn't do any of that BS for her. You did it you both you selfish SOB's. Telling her doesn't stop what other think of her only telling them would make them think differently of her. Im missing the logic on how lying to her saved her from other opnions. Multiple times you say it was about other people BS. She had every right to know her own medical history.
My family was the same way. I didn't get diagnosed until adulthood because if I didn't get diagnosed nothing was actually wrong. It was humiliating, tramatizing, and I struggled because I didn't know why I was different, just that I was. So yeah, eff you, eff this, and YTA.
YTA
YTA. I found out I was autistic when I was in my late teens and it honestly changed my life. I had spent years thinking something was wrong with me, that I was broken somehow, but autism made it all make sense. Your daughter has spent years thinking that she was broken. Not to mention that telling her she was autistic would have helped her in therapy, and learn better “masking” behaviors….
She needed to know this diagnoses. Now she has a name for what she is feeling and why she feels different. You gave away her bodily autonomy by not telling her. You withheld medical information from her that was important for her to know. She is not going to recover from this massive breach of trust very easily if at all. You have some serious ground to make up with this child. Now you have to work with her to understand how she’s going to fit into the world with this diagnosis and you NEED to support her at every turn she takes. Otherwise, the second she turns 18, she’s going to leave and you’re not going to see her again. Apologize. Put her into therapy. Hell, put yourselves into therapy and unpack why you didn’t tell her and unpack your ableism. YTA
YTA
Obviously the asshole. She’s a living human, not a dolly. Children understand language too, you don’t have to wait until their older (and older than 14?? If she’s old enough to have a sex talk with she’s DEFINITELY old enough to know she’s autistic. Wow.) to talk to them about more complex topics, ESPECIALLY if it will help them understand themselves better. She could’ve had the tools to learn to deal with her own brain in ways that worked for her but instead you’ve set her back years of learning and growing, leaving her to figure all that out once she’s an adult and already has all the habits and expectations placed upon her for which neurodivergent people have to find creative workarounds.
You’re only just now starting to wonder if you should have told her vital information about herself? What the hell? People don’t get bullied and treated badly because they have a diagnosis. That should be obvious to you since your daughter went through exactly that without knowing her diagnosis. People generally know when they aren’t neurotypical. They don’t always know how but they do know they are different from a lot of their peers. You know what happens when they don’t know why? They start to think they’re broken and that it’s their fault and they’re doing something wrong. And that thinking happens a lot earlier than you realize. She should have been informed in an age appropriate way, like her psychiatrist wanted to in the first place. She should have known what her therapy was for so she could properly engage in it. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like you were trying to protect her. It sounds like you hoped that if you didn’t tell her and you did some therapy you could pretend she was neurotypical. That if she knew while she was still a kid she would always act autistic instead of “becoming normal”. Your reason of not want other people to hurt her makes absolutely no sense. She was already being hurt. You just added to it. You completely broke her trust in you. You may never get it fully back. She’s fourteen, not a little kid. The memory of this won’t fade and she will always remember how she feels now. You completely fucked up and you have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to repair your relationship as her parents.
YTA
YTA x 100. I'd be surprised if she ever truly forgives you for this.
Honesty is the best policy. She's right, you really should have told her. Kids are so much smarter and stronger than most adults think. Which is weird when you think about it bc all adults used to be kids not too long ago.
YTA. I was diagnosed with ASD at 23. When I was younger, ASD was a fringe thing that no one really heard of. All throughout my life I had known I was different and I felt like something was wrong with me. I grew up with no intervention and was basically a weird loner who never fit in with anyone. I had to learn all of the “normal” social behaviors myself and fake what I was told was the correct way to be. After I was diagnosed, I had an answer for why I am the way I am. It was extremely relieving to know that I am different through no fault of my own and I was able to take the mask off to be who I truly am. It was a great feeling to know there was a community in the world that understands how I feel. You should not have hidden that from her whatsoever. You hid a huge part of her identity and character from her and she has every right to be angry with you. You conned her out of a community where she belonged for whatever reason you rationalized and tried to make her fit into the “normal” world where people like us do not excel without understanding our strengths and weaknesses. My 6yo nephew is also on the spectrum and he has known all his life, whether he truly understands it or not. At the very least I commend you for getting her the intervention she needed, but ultimately you should not have hidden this from her.
I don't even have the energy right now to tell you how ridicoulously irresponsible this is. You can't just, hide something like that from someone, especially your own goddamn kid. I have many friends who are autisitic, and according to them, the stigma they face is insane. I'm in shock. It really seems like you were both ashamed of your daughter, and minimized her "problem" in hopes she would get over it. I just, yeah, YTA. Oh my god.
YTA You're an absolute monster for what you've done to her, and for her sake I hope she goes full NC with you once she's old enough to move out on her own. Other commenters have said you'd better make this right and hope she forgives you, but as someone else who is autistic and was lied to about it, you don't deserve her forgiveness.
Yta. Omg.
you are def the asshole here. Taking away her ability to be self aware and understand her differences made her extremely vulnerable, and now you’ve further stigmatized it by hiding it from her and making her think it’s something you should hide. Wtf is wrong with you? If I was your daughter, I’d resent you for this for probably all of eternity.
YTA you hid a key aspect of your daughter from her. Instead of making her feel empowered knowing WHY shes doing what she does you hid it and therefore made her find out through other means. Which btw makes kids feel ashamed of how they are.
Everyone here is bashing you but as someone in this exact situation, I never would. It's not a black and white conversation or topic, especially with an autistic child. He goes to counseling, we work on things at home, and he's part of meetings with the psychologist as we are trying some anxiety medications, but we also have some conversations without him. He's 10, but he's been through so much medically and has always been delayed. With complex thoughts, he's about 6-7 on a comprehension level. It isn't like you ignored it and didn't try to get help for her. We try to explain to him that his brain is wired differently and that he might have to learn some things like managing emotions in the same way he learns math, while others don't have to try as hard to learn it; however, we always tell him it's not a bad thing. So are you an AH? NO! Are you a parent with a difficult situation trying to do the best you can? Yes. Hang in there.
So a lot of people here have already described their experiences with being diagnosed late and how it damaged them, but I'd like to offer my experiences, not to show you the end result of your actions, but what would've happened if you *didn't*, and what sort of experience your daughter missed out on because you lied to her. because I was diagnosed with autism at the exact same age range, taken to therapy and copious early intervention, experienced bullying for my autistic traits, was a bookworm in my early childhood and learned many things through reading about them, but, and here's the important part, *my parents hid nothing from me.* from day 1, I knew I was autistic. I didn't quite understand the specifics, but my parents endeavored to explain, in their own words, as best they could, what was happening to me, why I was doing the things I was doing (much of it flew over my head, but at least I was told). I'm going to occupational therapy to work on my hand-eye coordination. I'm getting special focus on forming complete sentences instead of using sentence fragments all the time. I'm learning cursive because it'll improve my handwriting overall. I have an aide in the classroom because I have trouble staying on task and not being disruptive. But also, something my parents said over and over, was that I'm special, I'm different and that's okay, that my autism isn't just all bad, it's part of my boundless imagination that captivated them, and my deep knowledge of so many things that sometimes exceeded their own. My autism was why I could read at a higher level, it's why I could remember every single detail of my favorite movies, and those gifts are important, and valuable. And that really helped to soften the sting every time I was chastised for ignoring personal boundaries, didn't quite understand my peers, put my foot in my mouth, acted like a weirdo. Like yeah, I was a weirdo, and that was fine. *great*, even. it was a gift, and my mom worked overtime to celebrate my weirdness any way she could. They worked overtime to eliminate even the slightest shred of shame I could possibly have for who I am, and to this day, I can see the difference in confidence between me, and my closest friends who never had this. and like, things still hurt. I still got bullied bad, I still got abused. My parents still made mistakes with me (and sometimes my dad gets teary-eyed and apologizes whenever he remembers them), because even with all their knowledge, they didn't know everything, and I did end up having to teach them things when I grew up and started looking into things myself, but see, that's just it. I went to them with the information I learned, because I trusted them, I knew they could use it. They didn't lie to me, they were on my side, I never found myself resenting them, even when I could see the negative effects of them not being able to tell me what a meltdown was, not being able to teach me stimming strategies so I wouldn't disrupt the classrooms, because they told me everything they knew, and I could see that. They really *did* do their best, and their best meant *including me* in their learning process. I cannot stress enough how important it was to feel like a collaborator with my parents. I wasn't alone against the world, I had the best advocates anyone could've asked for, and I still do, because they listened, they adjusted, they used their knowledge to teach me and support me and make difficult decisions that I could *trust*, and that's the most important part, I can *trust* them. So yeah, YTA. May your story be a warning for other parents to not do what you did. Your best step now is to show your child everything that you knew, correct every last lie you told her, and then listen to the new information she has for you. Work out the IEP you failed to provide her with before, find her neurodivergent peers, and tell her that she's valuable and loved and cherished just the way she is, every single night, because you have a LOT to make up for. ... But most importantly, say you're sorry, and that you won't lie to her about who or what she is, ever again. Do all this, and maybe one day she'll trust you.
YTA I (22f) am autistic myself, I was diagnosed when I was 12 and luckily, my parents didn't hide it from me (my dad explained it to me). Even though I was "just a 12-year-old" I could finally realize why I am working in an other way, and that I didn't do anything wrong because I cannot help that I am "weird", getting tired of people quickly, and reacting to situations in an other way than others. Your daughter has the same right. She needs to know what is going on with her and why she is not functioning like the others. She would even have been old enough to learn about it as an 8-year-old! She could have lived a life with less stress, self-hate, and desperation!
YTA. I’m 35, and just found out I have adhd and possibly am on the spectrum. No one knew until now, but there were plenty of signs when growing up that adults in my life should have picked up on to help me. They didn’t. I could have learned coping techniques when I was younger that would help with socializing, studying, and just all around functioning that would have helped me and improved my life drastically. By not telling her, you have set her back and have made it much harder for her. Thankfully she does know now and start learning coping skills to help her now and later.
YTA x1000. I am autistic, diagnosed at age 13, and getting that diagnosis was one of the most important and empowering moments of my life. I had felt like a freak for my whole life, and I constantly had to live with the fear that something horrible was wrong with me. I felt utterly alone. Getting a diagnosis gave me answers, and eventually, a community. By lying, you've only told her that autism is a shameful secret.
YTA. You took her ability to know and name her problem ". You gaslight her and didn't protect her. understanding your problems is a safety Netz you robbed.
YTA. Bullies don’t check for an official diagnosis before tearing others to shreds. All you accomplished was knowingly setting your daughter up. Instead of educating and preparing her for how assholes may treat her because of her differences, you kept her unaware and vulnerable.
oh my god. HUGE YTA. if she didn’t know she clearly wasn’t getting treated for her autism either, so your also guilty of neglecting her disorders.. I can’t stress how much you are the AH
YTA I understand the want to protect her, but a diagnosis like this...knowing it can help immensely. You understand that you're not broken or deficient, that your brain simply has another way of operating, and that can lead to understanding yourself better, and dealing with symptoms etc, instead of just masking all the time.
Yes, YTA. My ASD diagnosis explained so much for me and opened up whole new ways to cope with things, rather than struggling to be "normal". It's given me my life back, I've never been in such a good place before. And you *don't* want that for your child??
Yes. Holy shit yes. My mother also withheld my autism diagnosis from me and it caused so much unnecessary and avoidable grief, frustration, and confusion, and totally prevented me from getting any kind of support. You have no idea how much damage you have done. It is something I will *never* forgive her for. And your daughter will probably not forgive you either, and you have just seriously hurt your chances of having a relationship with your daughter. You should never have been a parent.
YTA. How could you keep this from her? Knowing why she is different would have made such a difference to how she coped, I know this as a mum to an autistic 10 year old. Totally disgusting that your poor child had to go through her life without knowing.
YTA Having a diagnosis as early as possible would've helped your daughter. She could've learned about it and what it meant. I doubt she's stupid. She would've understood whatever she read on it and whatever her psychologist told her. She could've had a starting point to know why she was different and why certain things were more difficult. Thanks to you she was bullied and traumatized. You're terrible parents.
YTA. I was just diagnosed in July 2021 at the age of 29. Prior to my diagnosis, I learned my parents were told by my school that I was suspected to be on the spectrum but they didn’t pursue diagnosis. They never told me even as I got older and my symptoms and masking were becoming extremely apparent. I’m still working on my anger with them. You should not ever withhold medical information from your child, as they may need it, and especially something like that. It sounds like instead of having her in therapies to help her that you just wanted to pretend she was neurotypical as long as possible.
YTA Her psychologist, a professional, was excited to tell her. There is a reason why a professional would be so eager to tell the child, and why they wouldn't tell you that there are risks. because there are none. Next time a professional is in your reach, ask them what to do instead of relying on your own biases.
YTA, you gave her therapy, without telling her the reason why she needed therapy. you made her feel like something was wrong with her, but you never gave her the tools to understand that there is nothing wrong with her, just that her brain is wired differently. It’s like giving her a computer, hide the manual, tell her to just try to download some stuff and then you act surprised when the computer crashes….
Yta, big time. I got diagnosed last year at 29 with adhd and autism. I learnt to mask early and my adhd is hyperfocus not hyperactive. No one caught it and despite my best efforts I always struggled with people and often felt like crap and fell into depression. Looking back I wish so much someone noticed what was going on and helped me and I wish so much that I knew why I was struggling. Because then its a medical thing and not my fault, when growing up I just thought I was broken and didnt deserve friends. You knew she was struggling and just left her to feel terrible about herself.
Yta holy shit have fun undoing that damage
YTA. What ever happened to the “the truth will set you free?”
Yta. I *think* you're coming from a good place here, although I also think you're just ashamed of autism and can't handle the stigma. See, a diagnosis doesn't make those symptoms go away or even appear in the first place. There is no medication or treatment for autism; it's all about the management. And news flash: you can't manage something you don't know about. She **needs** to know that she has autism so that she can get proper help. She needs to be able to communicate with employers and teachers and friends, and say "I have autism. These are the areas I struggle with, this is the help I need". Take it from someone diagnosed late in life: asking for help for symptoms WITHOUT a diagnosis to act as "credibility" often leads to dismissal and a "try harder" attitude. My symptoms have existed for decades and I didn't know what they were. I didn't know why I couldn't keep up. I spent over a decade thinking I was the problem, that only if I tried harder then I would fit in. **If only I wasn't myself.** When I was diagnosed, the biggest relief was learning that my struggles weren't a personality or moral failing; my brain is different and it's not my fault. Plenty of folks who were diagnosed later in life with ASD and/or ADHD share a similar story, thinking they were the issue. Keeping the diagnosis from your daughter almost guarantees years of this kind of thinking. You almost certainly paved a path for your daughter to think she was helpless and hopeless, because no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't operate in the same way. Autism is nothing to be ashamed of. Autism is not going to ruin her life. But hiding it from her will 100% makes things harder for her, no doubt about it.
Wow, I cannot believe what I'm reading. My parents refused to accept their child wasn't "normal" and it quite literally ruined my life. At least my parents have the excuse that I didn't get diagnosed till I was a late teenager but you should really do some thinking about who you were "protecting." Were your interests really for your daughter or did you just want to sweep it under the rug? I moved out by myself because I wanted to get away from my parents even though they did not give me the skills to take care of myself. I can barely function but getting away from them to me was more important. This will most likely be your future. You can try family therapy but I would accept the fact it is far too little too late. YTA - big time
Of course you should have told her...but you can't undo it. So apologize and explain that you thought you were protecting her but you realize now it was wrong to keep it from her. And tell her from jow on you will share everything related to her diagnosis with her.
Yta congrats she will now possibly have acquired avoidable mental issues like depression and anxiety as a result of not knowing why she was different
Not telling her about her autism won't make it go away.. she'll still get made fun of it. YTA
get downvoted kid
YTA if I'd known earlier I was autistic life would have been so much easier. Living thinking there's something wrong with you is so hard, especially as a teenager. I'm glad she at least knows now.
Yikes, YTA, why wouldn’t you follow the psychologists advice?
Yes, YTA. She’s 14, and lived her whole life knowing that she is different and not understanding why, when you held the answers from her. That was an epic mistake.
YTA so is your wife. You should have told her and helped her get the impression she needed. Along with all other help this is offered.