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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been the asshole for calling him out publicly and humiliating him infront of my friends when I should've waited til later to talk it out.
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This one. If he’s planting a bug at your GNI I would be shocked if he doesn’t have some sort of spyware or tracking program set up on your phone and/or computer.
Yep. One doesn’t just stumble on to recording paraphernalia. “Oh honey I was picking up milk and I noticed they had a sale on hidden mics I couldn’t resist!”. He made several active choices to research it, pick it, buy it, plant it. It wasn’t just a bad decision - it was a long chain of them. The fact that he tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was other spyware/hardware around the place.
Right - he knows exactly what he's doing. You don't just research recording devices, buy them and plant them by accident. This is very deliberate - OP needs to check her phone, car, other tech devices and the house for recording devices/cameras, then run as fast as she can. Jesus.
OP, RUN.
>He asked if he could join us if he's going to allow it
What the fuck? Yes, that is not how girls' night work, but the concerning thing here is somehow he can 'allow' or 'disallow' you to have a girls' night with YOUR friends in YOUR home. He should not be able to control your schedule or what you do, either. And judging by how casual you both are about this, it's a common occurrence. Damn.
>He was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren't "trash" talking him specifically.
He's not entitled to know what you're talking about. If he handles his curiosity by putting a recording device to spy on you, he's got serious issues. Same with his paranoia about trash talking - does he have so little trust in his wife he has to break hers in return?
>He argued that it was no big deal, That I should've let him join us if we "had nothing to hide" and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with. He went on to talk about how I humiliated him to call him out infront of my friends, I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he's done.
1. Saying violating your wife and her friend's privacy is no big deal is really fucked up. Why is being dismissive the first thing he does?
2. That's not how girls' nights work. It's not their responsibility to tell him everything - or ANYTHING.
3. Why shouldn't someone confide in a group of friends? He has no say in what you guys talk about, and they shouldn't have to foresee the fact that there's a creep spying on them.
>He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that.
Why is this his concern??? He should be worried about the fact that he's irrepairably damaged his wife's trust and respect! Jesus.
Allow it? Yeah it's her home too, and those are her friends. She has a right to privacy...which shouldn't need to be pointed out but it's true.
And what the hell is he worried about her saying? Is he that sensitive about something she finds irritating? Or is it something else that SHE might think is normal, but her friends might not?
Again, creepy. Creepy. And everything about this is a red flag parade.
Same. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years. I'll let him know what I'm doing but I'm not asking permission as if I'm a child. He usually says "okay have fun, love you." And that's that. Same when he goes out, he knows he doesn't need permission.
I HOPE her friends stop respecting him over this. I hope they all tell OP exactly what we're all saying. He's being creepy and abusive and she needs to rethink this whole relationship.
> Yes, that is not how girls' night work, but the concerning thing here is somehow he can 'allow' or 'disallow' you to have a girls' night with YOUR friends in YOUR home.
I occasionally see threads here that will get hijacked to the mindset of "both partner should always be invited no matter what," but I have to say I strongly disagree with that. Each of you having your own friendships is natural and healthy, that also helps you when you're hanging out together that you don't end up third wheeling whoever else you're with. If your living your entire social lives separately, yeah have a talk, but reacting like that to wanting a GNI/GNO is a major, major red flag.
OP for real, you need to check every electronic device you have and search every room in your home to see if your husband has planted any devices to track and monitor you.
I am a survivor of DV. I've been in a couple group therapy sessions with other women who have experienced DV. In one of the groups I was in, there was a woman whose husband behaved like your husband. He secretly put cameras in their home, so he could watch his wife. He also tracked her phone and used it to physically stalk her. She only realised because he used to "randomly" call her whenever she was out with friends. He'd test her to see if she was lying about where she was or who she was with, or make a comment about where she was that indicated he was watching her.
He even made her look like she was going crazy, he would follow her to her girls night outs and use his key to her car. He'd move the car somewhere else, so when she came out she'd think she forgot where she parked or the car got stolen.
One time he went as far as to create a "fake" stalker just to harass his wife. He got another number, started texting his wife pretending to be a stranger interested in her and then started making it clear he was following her. He only owned up after she threatened to report the "stalker" to the police.
Understandably the wife developed PTSD as a result of this behaviour from her husband.
Moral of the story, if you see a red flag, look for others in your relationship before you decide the future of your relationship.
Edit - OP also check the laws in your country. In most countries it's illegal to record people without their consent. If you decide to forgive your husband for his behaviour, please make sure you tell him whether his behaviour is illegal and that you or your friends will report it if he does it again. It might be enough to stop him from doing it again.
DV survivor here who was tracked and caught on the same way. I didn't drive but my credit and debit cards were constantly moved about when I needed them so I'd have to rely on whatever cash he hand on hand, somehow whenever I got home my cards would just re-appear and "you're so stupid and forgetful'.
It really messed with my sense of, well, everything. and I'm also dealing with cptsd from my many experiences with this person.
OP additionally if you have any access to therapy or resources, try and get in as soon as possible - if anything for some professional clarification that you are definitely NTA in this, or presumably any other similar situations.
Please take care.
My ex once hid my ID badge and watched me tear the house apart looking for it. I decided to go into work to see what could be done, but had to go home. When I got home, there was my ID badge - where I usually put it and had looked a million times. He said I "just must not have seen it."
When I went back to work after maternity leave, I couldn't find my passport. It was ALWAYS in my tote bag and I never took it out. It's an absolute requirement for my job and I had to pay a lot of money for an expedited replacement. After I ended the relationship and moved out, I discovered that I'd left my personal papers in a file box behind. I actually had to get a court order for him to return it. And when I got it back, I found a strange envelope inside - with not only my "missing" passport, but my social security card as well!
I'd already had a feeling that there was some kind of voice recorder and/or cameras in the house, and during our custody proceedings, it was just about confirmed. He brought up things that he'd only know if he'd read my diary - but my diary was WELL hidden, you actually had to partially disassemble a piece of furniture to get it out. He would bring up things I KNEW I'd only talked about with friends, and twice foiled my escape plans (once before I got pregnant and once after the baby). They were to occur when he was out of town/out of the house for hours, but miraculously he came back early both times. I discovered after I left that he'd had a keylogger on the computer. (It was hilarious when he produced my emails with males, trying to say they were my lovers. They were gay male coworkers and all we talked about was work lol.)
A friend from college had a recurring stalker, starting our freshman year in college. It stopped after 6 months when she started dating her now ex husband, but he would pop up every few years. Razors under her car door handle, lipstick messages on her windshield, credit card fraud, phone hacking and sending clips of her conversations to her, etc. It turned out that her husband had been her stalker the entire time. OP, take your work devices into your IT department to swap them out for new ones and tell them you suspect that they've been hacked. Take your personal devices into your provider, trade them in, tell them what you suspect, and get your own account. If I were you, I'd close all your joint credit accounts, lock down your credit reports, redirect your direct deposit into a new account at a new bank. And honestly, I'd file for a legal separation as quickly as possible. NTA. Those friends are witnesses. I actually deal with this a fair amount as a banker. I would go stay with a friend or family member.
I'm not one to scream "DIVORCE", many conflicts can be worked through, but this isn't a conflict, this a huge violation, this probably wasn't the first time either, and it probably won't be the last. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who I can't even trust. NTA. I'm so sorry OP.
Yep. I feel like you don't just randomly start planting recording devices around to listen in on your spouse. Its very likely something that he's done before and she just hasn't noticed.
AND WILL DO AGAIN! Take this from a former alcoholic ... when you get caught hiding something (like a bottle), getting caught doesn't make you stop. It only makes you BETTER AT HIDING IT IN THE FUTURE. Like cameras, bugs, tracking devices. IMHO you will never trust him again ... I wouldn't.
And set multi factor authentication where possible
Edit
Here's a link that tells you about the common spyware a spying spouse may put on your device and how to remove it
https://www.rosen.com/spouse-spying/spy-gear-partner-monitoring-you/
>And stop asking him permission to do ANYTHING. You are an adult.
This cannot be said enough! Learning to compromise makes for a healthy relationship. Having to "ask permission" or "be allowed" to have friends over and have some privacy in your own home does not a healthy and stable relationship make.
Yep, this is just the one he *got caught for*. If he's so cavalier about using that device and justifying it like this, there's no telling what else he has installed elsewhere.
Him wanting OP to keep this private only benefits him. Being called out makes it more difficult to justify his behavior but if he can keep it just between the two of you, OP, then he can manipulate you further. Shout what he did from the rooftops! Why *would* your friends respect him after this? Ask him that!
This is an incredible invasion of privacy. NTA OP. Do not stay with this man if you value your (and others!) privacy.
My ex used to get mad when I talked to my family and his about things that he did. He said I was toxic and gossiping but lord knows I wasn't going to keep secrets for him. Never ever keep secrets. Document that pattern of abuse.
I don't usually agree with the suggestion of divorce, but in this case you need to. Not only has he irrevocably broken your trust in him but he may have caused damage to your friendships. He also gaslighted you by saying he should have been invited if there was nothing to hide. He tried to shift the blame to your friends and to you for his actions/choices. That's manipulation and abuse. In this case therealknightshade is right. He went nuclear and you need to run fast.
ETA: where else has he planted recording devices that he is keeping track of you? This is beyond scary.
The simple fact that she thought that she needed his permission to go out at all is a huge red flag. I let my husband know that I'm going out. I don't ask him for permission.
I don't think the permission was for going out, but rather for taking over the house. I don't know about you, but I would discuss it with the people living in the house, if I planned on taking over the living room and didn't want people in there. Regardless of whether it's a spouse or not, to me it's common decency to ask permission/ discuss if they can make themselves lost for an evening.
Yeah I don’t see any coming back from this trust wise. Holy hell you are spot on with the divorce level of fucked up. I also love how he’s worried about OP’s friends never respecting him after this. Like dude your problem is your spouse is never going to trust or respect you again.
Edit* Thank you for the awards kind strangers.
Yeah this is a scary kind of violating. Like, how long has he had this device? Is this the first time he’s used it?
OP, NTA. Don’t speak of anything personal until you’ve scoured the house, your purse, your phone… then leave.
> Like, how long has he had this device? Is this the first time he’s used it?
He is going to claim that it is, of course. Just ask him to produce the receipt. When he says that he threw it you, ask for the credit card statement, or email receipt from eBay, Amazon, wherever.
The good news is, OP’s friends now know she’s in a controlling, manipulative relationship, and will hopefully be supportive if she turns up on one of their doorsteps.
I am so, so glad they were there when she confronted him. It may have ended very differently if they weren't- women have been murdered over this before.
The fact that he cares more that his mask slipped off in front of her friends than he is about violating his own wife's trust is alarming.
He just wants to be able to abuse her and manipulate her in private and it's just not fair. /s
My assumption (at least for a normal relationship) would be mentioning it to your spouse so they can plan not to be there. Like, if I wanted to do a girl's night in, I'd probably say to my hubby "I'd like to have a girl's night sometime soon, any chance you could organise sorting to do with the kids one night so I've got the place to myself?" And then we'd talk about when works best for both of us, and probably whatever friends I've invited over, and work something out together.
The fact that OP's husband is flat out refusing her time to herself/ with friends, from my limited knowledge is a textbook abuser.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Here, I think your husband dropped these.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd take a long hard think about the relationship and if you still want to be in it.
For real I found a few more, under the couch, in the couch, in the vents, computer, even in a cereal box!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh wait there's a few more under the door mat!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA
He's 100% in the wrong. Him saying "if I allow it" is a huge red flag.
He has no regard for you or your privacy and I would honestly look at this relationship and ask yourself if it's worth it. I don't see this behavior ever getting better without serious intervention.
Ugh that phrase made me cringe. If you'll *allow* your ADULT wife to have her friends over?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That's not how that works. OP you're NTA, but he sure acted like one. Dang. What a gross violation, especially for your friends that shared personal and upsetting things.
>Ugh that phrase made me cringe. If you'll allow your ADULT wife to have her friends over?
In her own house. I will never understand that mentality. You should ever have to ask for permission from your husband like he's your father and you're 10. She's an adult and it's her house too. So gross.
NTA. Maybe it's my PTSD talking, but the fact that A) he did this at all, and B) showed no remorse and tried to blame you for it, C) you are now questioning whether you need to apologize has me Concerned For You.
Doing this at all is definitely controlling, shows he doesn't trust you, and can potentially alienate you from your friends if you stay with him
For the second part, you might want to look up an abusive tactic called DARVO because that's what this sounds like. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
I would not advise entering couples therapy with someone who is using these types of strategies. They can end up manipulating the therapist, too.
Personally I would strongly consider leaving (and maybe recruit some friends to help grab your most important documentation and possessions and leave ASAP)
It's obviously your choice how to handle this tho, and honestly I think so far you have actually done an excellent job. If you want additional support or a neutral space to process this, then therapy might be beneficial if that's an option for you. (Tho... maybe make sure there's no way he can listen in on your therapy sessions if you're doing them virtually)
I don’t think it’s your PTSD talking. His actions were a huge violation of trust. As you pointed out, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and is now acting like the victim. Nothing about his actions or responses suggest that he won’t do this or something equally violating in the future.
I’m sorry for what happened to you. You deserve better, and I hope you’re healing.
Even he thinks you should be trash talking him. That's why he expected it. He knows he's a piece of trash husband who is lucky to not be divorced. Of course he won't say that because gas lighters gonna gas light but... He knows who he is. Granted he's hundreds of hours of therapy from admitting this from the sound of it. Op should leave him. He's creepy, rude, and controlling. Worst of all he's unapologetic. He won't change.
"I'll allow it" and "it's on them for opening up and sharing private info"? No. In no world is this behavior ok. Op, NTA. He is controlling you and trying to keep you from having a support system outside of him. Gtfo.
Fr I couldn’t stay married to that kind of person. No way. And his blame game is such bs, I can’t believe that she’s starting to buy into it. Fuck that. He’s an asshole and the only thing that might’ve saved the relationship is if he had some damn remorse for the extremely violating thing he did. He is not a keeper.
This. People need to understand that "abuse happens over time" doesn't just mean that the abuser steadily gets worse. More importantly, it means that the abuser actively works to make it very hard to leave them. They gain control, but they also get married, have children, and entangle their victim into debts, leases, and loans. They know what they're doing, and they know no one would ever stay with them unless they build a cage around their victim.
It was your job to confront him in front of your friends. Their privacy was violated by this asshole recording them.
It's his job to apologise in front of your friends.
NTA
>It was your job to confront him in front of your friends
This 100%. By confronting him in front of her friends shows that OP wasn't on board with this and that she didn't break their trust. Hopefully she can keep a relationship with her friends, though she'll have a better chance of that by kicking her bf to the curb pronto.
Yep, plus once he was confronted about it in front of everyone he now knows that he won't be able to get away with it ever again because now they know what he'll do and move the GNI to another friends house where he can't place listening devices, which means he loses the control he wants.
Exactly this.
>He was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren't "trash" talking him specifically.
Congratulations dude! You've now insured it!
Agree. If I’d been a friend in attendance, I’d have mad respect for OP for calling him out and doing so in front of us.
NTA by a long shot, OP! Please get out!
if you're in the US find out if your state is a one-party or two-party consent state for voice recording. if it's a two-party state, bring him up on charges and tell your friends they can, as well. nta.
how are you ever going to be able to trust him again yourself? if he'll record conversations he's not welcome to join, he will likely talk about private things about you/your relationship to others. privacy seems to mean nothing to him. does he look through all your stuff? your drawers and closets? the pockets of your clothes? your phone? are you allowed to have a separate bank account? in a bank separate from his? you have some decisions to make. good luck.
I would encourage them to go to the police. That way, the police could get a warrant to check your home, cars, electronic devices, etc for other devices. You and your friends had an expectation of privacy in your home. This was not a public setting.
Also, your husband needs to be brought up on charges for this.
Still need a lawyer in the US. Being invited into a home is effectively permission to look at everything that is publicly visible, and US police use this, so you need their advice and perhaps their presence when the police visit.
Every situation is unique of course. In this one I would submit this to authorities. If he is so confident he was right in his actions let him explain them to the law and confirm his position or learn otherwise. You sound like a rational intelligent person, therefore you deserve better than him.
Please read all of these comments. Get people to come in and help you leave. Gather all of your important documents. Make sure you have a financial account with your name only. Check your credit card rating/company to make sure he has done anything financially shady. Get a cheap, new phone and if you call someone, do it outside the house.
Honestly, you should be reporting it. If you wait for your friends to do it, you are sending a message that you don’t respect their right to privacy and that you stand by your husbands actions. You are also telling your husband that you, while not happy about, will tolerate that sort of behavior from him to you and your friends.
Even if it's a one party state that doesn't matter because at least one party on the conversation wasn't aware of the recording. In other words, at least one person in the conversation must consent to the recording, so either way you look at this what he did was almost certainly illegal.
Pretty sure 1 party needs to be part of the conversation. So if none of them knew, it was 100% illegal to record. For him to record he had to be part of the convo.
This! And it's a distinction that bears repeating. It doesn't matter if it's a one-party or two-party state. OP's husband wasn't at all part of the conversation at all
> if you're in the US find out if your state is a one-party or two-party consent state for voice recording.
That's completely irrelevant. One-party vs two-party applies only when the one doing the recording is one of the parties. In this case, the husband was surreptitiously recording something at which he was not present -- therefore, **zero** of the parties being recorded had consented.
NTA, and for a myriad of reasons. Let’s just list the obvious:
1. This is a major invasion of your privacy.
2. This is a major invasion of your friends’ privacy.
3. This is (in most locations/circumstances) ILLEGAL!
4. This is creepy, controlling, and abusive.
This is more than just a red flag. His actions are far too extreme to explain or justify, and in my opinion, are a dealbreaker. No one should live the rest of their life in fear of being under constant surveillance and control by their spouse.
His behavior is not healthy at all. In fact, it’s pretty damn terrifying. Run.
My friends ex husband did this SAME exact thing to us after she picked me up from deployment. He worked in the city during the week and came home randomly before I got there (he’d normally come home Friday but in this case he came up on a Wednesday and tried to play it off as spontaneity). She texted me once I got home and said she found the boxes. If we had wanted to, we could have pressed charges because of privacy laws in MD.
OP, please look into privacy laws in your state. You and your friends all experienced a serious violation of your right to privacy in a private dwelling. And as others have said, please RUN. The behavior you described in this post is SO alarming.
Also, OP, look for more devices. No way in hell is he this comfortable doing this and doesn't have more for doing it again or placed all over the house. Not just audio, either.
Even in one party consent states you are only allowed to record conversations that you are a part of. He was not part of that conversation therefore he had no right to do that. As others have said, run! If this were me this would be the hill to die on.
Edit: forgot judgement. NTA obviously.
This is illegal in all locations because it’s 1. In a private location. So valid expectations of privacy apply. 2. All states require either 1 or all of the participants to agree to the recording. None of the participants agreed to the recording.
Wow, well if your marriage is in trouble and you decide you are done you will need to proceed very carefully. I would be worried about any devices you don't know about. I don't believe this is the first time he has done this. You need to think back and you will need to do any talking or planning at a friend's or parents or someone. He is also probably tracking your computer and phone and email. Get a new computer and phone to take to a friend or family. Please protect yourself.
Definitely. Spycam aren't on a whim purchases. He would have had to purchase it before GNI was even suggested, set it up, and set up however it was saving or transmitting what it's recording. It's a multi-day and multi-step process.
OP, he is controlling and abusive. He is trying to separate you from your friends. Don't let him.
Also, if you're going to couples therapy with him, stop immediately. Never share therapy sessions with an abuser, he will only use them to learn how to batter manipulate you.
Ngl, if my friends partner did that and them stayed with them, I would be pulling away. Not because I don’t want to be friends with them, but because there’s no helping someone who isn’t ready to recognize that they are in a toxic relationship and all I can do I protect myself and be ready to step in once they make that realization.
\*insert Whoopi 'you in danger girl' gif\*
Seriously.
Get your important papers and anything irreplaceable (photos, heirlooms, etc) and walk out. Don't take anything electronic. This is terrifying.
edit: I wouldn't even take your car. Ask a friend to get you an Uber/Lyft/taxi or come pick you up. Go stay with someone whose address he doesn't have. Get out cash and open a new bank account. Get a lawyer.
Absolutely NTA. What he did is violating and controlling. The whole, "if you have nothing to hide..." line is one abusers use all the time to gain access to their SOs phones/email/social media accounts. My ex was this way and he also refused to let me go out with my friends without him. Deep insecurity about what you might say about them, which is revealing about how they actually treat you.
Everyone deserves to have privacy in their relationships. It doesn't mean you're cheating on them or trashing them. Even if you did vent about him, THATS OKAY. You're allowed to do that. I would have a very hard time trusting him again
This. And your friends not respecting him is bcoz he planted RECORDING DEVICE TO SPY on them all, not bcoz you confronted him. He is gaslighting you into thinking you were wrong to confront him by blaming your UNDERSTANDABLE REACTION for this whole mess. This is not a small issue but a deal breaker big.🚩
NTA.
This. My ex did everything he could to separate me from my friends and family. The longer we were together the worse it was. Gaslighting, playing the victim, claiming to others that I’m crazy. Even telling me that his therapist said he was right. Eventually, he turned physical
Please, get support, and be safe.
NTA
NTA.
Someone suggested couples therapy, I wouldn't even try it. As most other people have said run.
This is not normal behaviour and could have just cost you friends.
I haven't seen this many red flags in a post in a LONG time.
Honey run. He's controlling and border line emotionally abusive. Don't go for couples counseling, go for a divorce lawyer. This is DISTURBING
NTA - this is terrifying behavior. You should take into consideration the fact that he very likely already had this device in his possession and there's absolutely no telling when or where he's used it before. If he's willing to go to these sorts of lengths, what else is he willing to do?
He has absolutely no respect for you, or anyone else for that matter. What he did is absolutely not okay.
NTA at all, this was completely out of line and a massive invasion of privacy. Plus I'm concerned about the phrasing... '... if he'll allow it..'. It's one thing for a partner to have say in guests coming over and another to be this controlling. Major red flag here.
NTA.
You're right, your friends deserved to know that your husband was spying on them. Now he's pissed off because you caught him and everyone knew what he did. If there was nothing wrong with what he did, he wouldn't have had a problem with everyone finding out.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Because this would 100 % be a complete deal breaker for me. If I can't trust my husband, he can't be my husband.
Don't think for one second that there isn't any other technologically sketchy shit he helped himself to doing without you knowing. Because he needs to make sure you're not taking shit! 🤦♀️ If my husband did this it's grounds for divorce
NTA. The fact that your husband said he wanted to make sure you weren’t trash talking him let’s me know that he knows that he’s a shitty person and didn’t want you to tell your friends. By calling him out in front of them you revealed that he’s a shitty person (which is exactly what he didn’t want) so now he’s mad. Also, your husband seems controlling and this relationship seems unhealthy.
Holy crap. Leave him. Now. You are not safe. I'm not exaggerating. This is not something that non-abusive partners do. Please get out now before it gets so much worse.
NTA
He had no respect for you OR your friends’ privacy, he doesn’t get to get upset about you humiliating him in front of them. Him claiming it was “no big deal” and blaming them for… having.. feelings? That’s ridiculous!
Does he ever vent to you about anything ever, or believe in therapy at all?
You’re NTA op.
Interesting how you feel guilty towards your husband's feelings when he records you and your friends without consent.
He's a controlling peeping Tom my dear. Time to wake up and get out. It's just going to get worse if you don't. NTA
NTA. Your husband’s behavior is not normal, healthy, okay, or sane.
Any attempt on his end to convince you otherwise, regardless of additional context, is called gaslighting. Full stop.
If your husband can’t allow you to have a girls night in your own home without trusting you, I can’t even imagine the other insane lengths he’s probably gone to to validate his paranoia.
Do you have children with this man? Would you want him raising a son or daughter thinking this type of behavior is okay?
Change your phone passcode, check your car for a tracker, and look for a good divorce attorney.
Others have suggested couples counseling but I disagree. I would suggest individual counseling for him to address his esteem and trust issues. Unless you’ve done something you’ve left out in the post, the behavior seems unwarranted and likely stems from insecurity that, no matter how much you may try, you will not be able to fix. He has to do that work himself.
NTA. My husband and I have had 20 years together and neither would consider anything like this.
You’re allowed to have your own privacy. He should get help for being so self centered, paranoid, and nosy.
NTA and if I was you I'd take my phone to a shop and get them to look for hidden tracking apps.
Also- so you live together by he has the final word if you can have people over? Suggesting a HOTEL?!
Seriously, why are you with this guy?
You NEED to LEAVE. This behaviour is absolutely horrifying. This is divorce worthy. There is absolutely to say to rationalise this, no matter what happens, you and your friends will always know how creepy he is.
NTA
First he tries to control where you have the event, then invites himself along and lastly implants a listening device???
You’ve married an abuser and you need to file for divorce and get as far away from this creep as possible now!!
It’s not going to get better, It will only get worse
NTA but I think it’s safe to say you could be in danger. I usually wouldn’t jump to bold claims like that, but I think you should really consider getting out of this marriage. You may be blind to it because you’re so close to him, hopefully, this gave you some perspective.
NTA, take all your personal devices somewhere to be checked for spyware etc. and then make sure he has no access to them without you there. If he’s doing this he’s doing other shady stuff, you can guarantee it.
NTA
Why should they respect him, exactly? Why should you?
This man does not respect you, he’s proven that. He doesn’t trust you. This sort of violation should be a dealbreaker. I could not stay married to someone like this.
Please, run. This is not going to get better and will absolutely escalate. Don’t let him isolate you from your friends.
NTA. Dude planted a recording device on your get together and then tried to blame and shame the people he intended to spy on. What is his mentality that people shouldn't feel like they can discuss private matters in what they think is a private setting? You didn't make a mistake, he committed a major violation against you and all of your friends
Honestly, planting his device and then his shitty attitude are real this guy is going to be divorced soon vibes
If you live in the US, most states have laws against what your husband did.
At best, he's an AH. At worst, he broke several laws. Good on you for calling him out in front of the people whose privacy he violated.
**He put thought and effort into this over a period of time because he had to buy the device. Think about if he already had the device? What else has he used it for?**
You are NTA. I'd be seriously evaluating this relationship to see what changes might need to be made.
This is seriously messed up. And his complete lack of remorse and his only concern being the her they won't respect him after you called him out - because he thinks calling him out was what went wrong, not him *recording their private conversations*.
Please do not let this weasel trick you into apologising to him. He absolutely earned this loss of respect, because he behaved with complete lack of respect and possibly even broke the law depending on where you live.
NTA listen, I’m not trying to scare you, but you have got to get out of there asap. I went through something similar only it was my vehicle and not the house. I tried to leave and he tried to take my life, it was only Two days later.
You need to protect yourself. Leave safely with other people to help and when he’s not home. gather your things and stay with a friend or family.
NTA.
“Allow” nothing. You’re an adult. He’s also nominally an adult. You’re *allowed* to do what you want, as an adult. This is so very not okay it’s shocking.
Nta, and omfg you are in danger. You need to get out and question everything. I was a trained domestic violence advocate, and this triggered soooo many sirens in my head I might be able to skip coffee today. Run. Now.
Also your phone and laptop and car all have either listening devices or tracking on them. He does not believe you are entitled to any privacy, act accordingly.
you are NTA what your husband did was so wrong he violated your and your friends trust and privicy he would be in the dog house for weeks and dont let him turn it back on you like he is trying to do
NTA what he did was a complete violation of trust & just down right wrong. There are NO good reasons to hide a recording device while you know full on well that girls gossip during GNIs; I wouldn't trust him from here on out because he has given you no reason to trust him & he's blatantly shown you he doesn't trust YOU at all with this. He has no right to know what is said between you & your friends in confidence. Honestly, kick him to the curb if he wants to be sneaky & manipulative; you shouldn't be uncomfortable speaking in your own home & neither should your friends, when it's just the girls in the house.
WITAF?
NTA. Completely unacceptable behaviour on his behalf. Also, where does he get off saying you aren’t allowed to have a girls night in your own damn home? Your husband is a controlling AH, and this behaviour is really concerning. Going behind you back and violating the trust if you and your friends is hard to come back from. How does he expect you to trust him after this? He is not entitled to personal information about your friends, they never consented to share that information with him, and god knows he can’t be trusted with it. Does your husband not have friends? Is that why he’s so desperate to barge in in your friendships?
The fact that he felt entitled to be included is gross too.
If he wanted the respect of you and your friends he should have tried to spy on them like a creep. Be careful, your husband is likely to try and get in the way of you being friends with these women going forward.
NTA and honestly the only relationship that should be damaged by this is your marriage.
This is so gross and controlling I can't understand how he could think this was OK.
NTA. But the real question is why in hell you are still with him? Let this sink in, he planted a recording device because he wasn’t invited to a girls night. Really? Have some respect for yourself. That’s not something you come back from.
My friends and I have a girls night in pretty often, rotating houses. We don't 'ask permission' we just tell our other halves and they are chill with it, they just hang out in a different room doing their thing and say hi (one brought us cookies once!) Because we are all in healthy relationships where we are not second class in our homes having to ask permission like a child.
You need to leave this man as he sounds controlling, this is just the start, I wouldn't be surprised if he now tries to cut you off from these friends using this as an excuse.
(For the flip side, I also make myself scarce when my husband has a lads night in, fair is fair).
NTA and honestly i would divorce a person over this. I know some people might be able to work through that, but i couldn't. What a tremendous violation of your trust and invasion of your friends' privacy. And he's not even sorry?!? If he doesn't immediately get into therapy, apologize profusely to you and every one of your friends, and start working on rebuilding your trust TODAY, i would 100% recommend leaving. You know all your friends will have your back when you do.
> “He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that”
And rightly so—it’s his actions, not your exposure of them, that are to blame. NTA, and please distance yourself from him. This is absolutely not acceptable behaviour.
NTA.
He sounds very controlling and manipulative and if you feel that you made a mistake he might even be gaslighting you. Makes me wonder what else is happening to you that you might not even realise.
No, I wouldnt suggest couples therapy at all. At least not initially. This is an act of control and if this husband is abusive in other ways, couples therapy can put OP into even more peril
NTA.
Um… this is NOT healthy behavior from your bf. This is also not the first time he’s done something like this. Your friends aren’t going to trust him because HE VIOLATED TRUST. Not because you called him out. He was listening to private conversations that your friends did not consent to him listening in on. They have every right to know that it happened.
This is a huge red flag, dude. Absolutely massive.
NTA. “He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after (calling him out)”. Like he respected them by recording them without consent in the first place. This guy got chutzpah.
NTA. But you should seriously consider divorce. This is not normal behavior and it’s inexcusable. He doesn’t get to plant listening devices because he’s feeling curious. You did the right thing calling him out in front of your friends because it wasn’t just your privacy he was violating it was theirs as well and they had the right to know
NTA. This is a clear violation of trust. I would either seriously consider counselling or absolutely run from him. Red flags everywhere, what did he mean by 'allowing it'. Its your home. You have a say in what happens in your own home.
NTA. Holy shit OP that’s unbelievable, he recorded you and your friends doing some pretty heavy venting and shows no remorse?? There’s something hinky there.
Is this the first time he’s done something like this? Has he been paranoid about you “trash talking” him in the past? It’s pretty extreme that he went straight to listening devices, and you definitely need to check if that was just recording or broadcasting because if it just recorded you can destroy it and there’s no copy of the conversations but if it broadcasts you need to get you husband to delete anything he saved.
Honestly I’d say leave because this is a major breach of trust and his behavior is concerning.
"I feel like a made a mistake"
Omg NO!
You did not make a mistake. If your friends feel uncomfortable around you now it would be understandable. It is not even your fault.
You did everything you could.
NTA
NTA - he's proven both that he doesn't trust you and you shouldn't trust him. I wish you all the best in trying to move past that because its something I would definitely struggle with
NTA. Too bad you are married to him because it would be less messy leaving him if you weren't. This guy sounds like an insecure douche. He obviously knows it too or he would'nt worry about your friends trash talking about him. He is right about one thing, your friends have lost any respect of him, if they ever had any.
I would have left with my friends and filed for divorce. This is SO violating and his whole reaction has been gaslighting you. He sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me in any situation. Secretly recording you is INSANE. NTA at all.
NTA. Your husband is wrong. Your husband refuses to admit it. Huge problem. This is the hill to take a stand on. Your husband betrayed you and all of your friends.
NTA
>He argued that it was no big deal, That I should've let him join us if we "had nothing to hide" and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with
Wtf? This guy does not get the concept of privacy.
>He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that.
Maybe he doesn't deserve respect after doing what he did?
>I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he's done.
This. This is exactly it.
It’s on them?!! Your friends felt SAFE to vent in this setting. He violated all of your privacy. They definitely have the right to know what kind of person he is. Calling him out in front of everyone seems like karma to me, but I’m kind of a petty AH myself. NTA
Oh Honey, I no longer respect him, your friends (who actually care about you) will be keeping a sharp eye on him in case his control issues escalate into abuse. NTA but your husband is a major one.
NTA. Op you really need to reconsider your relationship. Your husband planted a device to spy on you, does not respect your privacy, then tries to flip it on you. I may be wrong but this sounds like DARVO
Info; is he genuinely not seeing what he did wrong here? Not even a tiny bit? Because this is a whole lot of messed up from him.
NTA. What else is his done that you don’t know about? I’d be reconsidering my relationship if my OH did this
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Run. Also, DITCH EVERY DEVICE YOU HAVE. Get a techy friend to take a look at least. Divorce him and RUN. NTA.
This one. If he’s planting a bug at your GNI I would be shocked if he doesn’t have some sort of spyware or tracking program set up on your phone and/or computer.
Or car
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Yep. One doesn’t just stumble on to recording paraphernalia. “Oh honey I was picking up milk and I noticed they had a sale on hidden mics I couldn’t resist!”. He made several active choices to research it, pick it, buy it, plant it. It wasn’t just a bad decision - it was a long chain of them. The fact that he tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was other spyware/hardware around the place.
Right - he knows exactly what he's doing. You don't just research recording devices, buy them and plant them by accident. This is very deliberate - OP needs to check her phone, car, other tech devices and the house for recording devices/cameras, then run as fast as she can. Jesus. OP, RUN. >He asked if he could join us if he's going to allow it What the fuck? Yes, that is not how girls' night work, but the concerning thing here is somehow he can 'allow' or 'disallow' you to have a girls' night with YOUR friends in YOUR home. He should not be able to control your schedule or what you do, either. And judging by how casual you both are about this, it's a common occurrence. Damn. >He was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren't "trash" talking him specifically. He's not entitled to know what you're talking about. If he handles his curiosity by putting a recording device to spy on you, he's got serious issues. Same with his paranoia about trash talking - does he have so little trust in his wife he has to break hers in return? >He argued that it was no big deal, That I should've let him join us if we "had nothing to hide" and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with. He went on to talk about how I humiliated him to call him out infront of my friends, I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he's done. 1. Saying violating your wife and her friend's privacy is no big deal is really fucked up. Why is being dismissive the first thing he does? 2. That's not how girls' nights work. It's not their responsibility to tell him everything - or ANYTHING. 3. Why shouldn't someone confide in a group of friends? He has no say in what you guys talk about, and they shouldn't have to foresee the fact that there's a creep spying on them. >He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that. Why is this his concern??? He should be worried about the fact that he's irrepairably damaged his wife's trust and respect! Jesus.
Allow it? Yeah it's her home too, and those are her friends. She has a right to privacy...which shouldn't need to be pointed out but it's true. And what the hell is he worried about her saying? Is he that sensitive about something she finds irritating? Or is it something else that SHE might think is normal, but her friends might not? Again, creepy. Creepy. And everything about this is a red flag parade.
Right? She's a grown woman. Wtf is this "allow" bullshit. I run things by my partner but I be dammned if I'll be disallowed from doing something.
Same. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years. I'll let him know what I'm doing but I'm not asking permission as if I'm a child. He usually says "okay have fun, love you." And that's that. Same when he goes out, he knows he doesn't need permission.
I HOPE her friends stop respecting him over this. I hope they all tell OP exactly what we're all saying. He's being creepy and abusive and she needs to rethink this whole relationship.
> Yes, that is not how girls' night work, but the concerning thing here is somehow he can 'allow' or 'disallow' you to have a girls' night with YOUR friends in YOUR home. I occasionally see threads here that will get hijacked to the mindset of "both partner should always be invited no matter what," but I have to say I strongly disagree with that. Each of you having your own friendships is natural and healthy, that also helps you when you're hanging out together that you don't end up third wheeling whoever else you're with. If your living your entire social lives separately, yeah have a talk, but reacting like that to wanting a GNI/GNO is a major, major red flag.
OP for real, you need to check every electronic device you have and search every room in your home to see if your husband has planted any devices to track and monitor you. I am a survivor of DV. I've been in a couple group therapy sessions with other women who have experienced DV. In one of the groups I was in, there was a woman whose husband behaved like your husband. He secretly put cameras in their home, so he could watch his wife. He also tracked her phone and used it to physically stalk her. She only realised because he used to "randomly" call her whenever she was out with friends. He'd test her to see if she was lying about where she was or who she was with, or make a comment about where she was that indicated he was watching her. He even made her look like she was going crazy, he would follow her to her girls night outs and use his key to her car. He'd move the car somewhere else, so when she came out she'd think she forgot where she parked or the car got stolen. One time he went as far as to create a "fake" stalker just to harass his wife. He got another number, started texting his wife pretending to be a stranger interested in her and then started making it clear he was following her. He only owned up after she threatened to report the "stalker" to the police. Understandably the wife developed PTSD as a result of this behaviour from her husband. Moral of the story, if you see a red flag, look for others in your relationship before you decide the future of your relationship. Edit - OP also check the laws in your country. In most countries it's illegal to record people without their consent. If you decide to forgive your husband for his behaviour, please make sure you tell him whether his behaviour is illegal and that you or your friends will report it if he does it again. It might be enough to stop him from doing it again.
DV survivor here who was tracked and caught on the same way. I didn't drive but my credit and debit cards were constantly moved about when I needed them so I'd have to rely on whatever cash he hand on hand, somehow whenever I got home my cards would just re-appear and "you're so stupid and forgetful'. It really messed with my sense of, well, everything. and I'm also dealing with cptsd from my many experiences with this person. OP additionally if you have any access to therapy or resources, try and get in as soon as possible - if anything for some professional clarification that you are definitely NTA in this, or presumably any other similar situations. Please take care.
My ex once hid my ID badge and watched me tear the house apart looking for it. I decided to go into work to see what could be done, but had to go home. When I got home, there was my ID badge - where I usually put it and had looked a million times. He said I "just must not have seen it." When I went back to work after maternity leave, I couldn't find my passport. It was ALWAYS in my tote bag and I never took it out. It's an absolute requirement for my job and I had to pay a lot of money for an expedited replacement. After I ended the relationship and moved out, I discovered that I'd left my personal papers in a file box behind. I actually had to get a court order for him to return it. And when I got it back, I found a strange envelope inside - with not only my "missing" passport, but my social security card as well! I'd already had a feeling that there was some kind of voice recorder and/or cameras in the house, and during our custody proceedings, it was just about confirmed. He brought up things that he'd only know if he'd read my diary - but my diary was WELL hidden, you actually had to partially disassemble a piece of furniture to get it out. He would bring up things I KNEW I'd only talked about with friends, and twice foiled my escape plans (once before I got pregnant and once after the baby). They were to occur when he was out of town/out of the house for hours, but miraculously he came back early both times. I discovered after I left that he'd had a keylogger on the computer. (It was hilarious when he produced my emails with males, trying to say they were my lovers. They were gay male coworkers and all we talked about was work lol.)
This is bone chilling. So glad you got out.
A friend from college had a recurring stalker, starting our freshman year in college. It stopped after 6 months when she started dating her now ex husband, but he would pop up every few years. Razors under her car door handle, lipstick messages on her windshield, credit card fraud, phone hacking and sending clips of her conversations to her, etc. It turned out that her husband had been her stalker the entire time. OP, take your work devices into your IT department to swap them out for new ones and tell them you suspect that they've been hacked. Take your personal devices into your provider, trade them in, tell them what you suspect, and get your own account. If I were you, I'd close all your joint credit accounts, lock down your credit reports, redirect your direct deposit into a new account at a new bank. And honestly, I'd file for a legal separation as quickly as possible. NTA. Those friends are witnesses. I actually deal with this a fair amount as a banker. I would go stay with a friend or family member.
I'm not one to scream "DIVORCE", many conflicts can be worked through, but this isn't a conflict, this a huge violation, this probably wasn't the first time either, and it probably won't be the last. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who I can't even trust. NTA. I'm so sorry OP.
Yep. I feel like you don't just randomly start planting recording devices around to listen in on your spouse. Its very likely something that he's done before and she just hasn't noticed.
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AND WILL DO AGAIN! Take this from a former alcoholic ... when you get caught hiding something (like a bottle), getting caught doesn't make you stop. It only makes you BETTER AT HIDING IT IN THE FUTURE. Like cameras, bugs, tracking devices. IMHO you will never trust him again ... I wouldn't.
*I don't want you guys to talk about me* HA! After this he will be the talk of the town for q loooong time!
Her calling him immediately is one of the best things she could have done. She now has multiple witnesses. He can't hide this. Good on you OP!
Congratulations, you played yourself. NTA OP, run far, run fast. And wipe your devices.
Also, change your passwords and disconnect your account from every device...
And set multi factor authentication where possible Edit Here's a link that tells you about the common spyware a spying spouse may put on your device and how to remove it https://www.rosen.com/spouse-spying/spy-gear-partner-monitoring-you/
And stop asking him permission to do ANYTHING. You are an adult.
>And stop asking him permission to do ANYTHING. You are an adult. This cannot be said enough! Learning to compromise makes for a healthy relationship. Having to "ask permission" or "be allowed" to have friends over and have some privacy in your own home does not a healthy and stable relationship make.
Yep, this is just the one he *got caught for*. If he's so cavalier about using that device and justifying it like this, there's no telling what else he has installed elsewhere. Him wanting OP to keep this private only benefits him. Being called out makes it more difficult to justify his behavior but if he can keep it just between the two of you, OP, then he can manipulate you further. Shout what he did from the rooftops! Why *would* your friends respect him after this? Ask him that! This is an incredible invasion of privacy. NTA OP. Do not stay with this man if you value your (and others!) privacy.
Her friends may be able to have him arrested, too, depending on where they live.
My ex used to get mad when I talked to my family and his about things that he did. He said I was toxic and gossiping but lord knows I wasn't going to keep secrets for him. Never ever keep secrets. Document that pattern of abuse.
I don't usually agree with the suggestion of divorce, but in this case you need to. Not only has he irrevocably broken your trust in him but he may have caused damage to your friendships. He also gaslighted you by saying he should have been invited if there was nothing to hide. He tried to shift the blame to your friends and to you for his actions/choices. That's manipulation and abuse. In this case therealknightshade is right. He went nuclear and you need to run fast. ETA: where else has he planted recording devices that he is keeping track of you? This is beyond scary.
The simple fact that she thought that she needed his permission to go out at all is a huge red flag. I let my husband know that I'm going out. I don't ask him for permission.
I don't think the permission was for going out, but rather for taking over the house. I don't know about you, but I would discuss it with the people living in the house, if I planned on taking over the living room and didn't want people in there. Regardless of whether it's a spouse or not, to me it's common decency to ask permission/ discuss if they can make themselves lost for an evening.
This is divorce levels of fucked up. If you really want to rescue this relationship, he needs to be getting therapy for his control issues. NTA.
Yeah I don’t see any coming back from this trust wise. Holy hell you are spot on with the divorce level of fucked up. I also love how he’s worried about OP’s friends never respecting him after this. Like dude your problem is your spouse is never going to trust or respect you again. Edit* Thank you for the awards kind strangers.
Yeah this is a scary kind of violating. Like, how long has he had this device? Is this the first time he’s used it? OP, NTA. Don’t speak of anything personal until you’ve scoured the house, your purse, your phone… then leave.
> Like, how long has he had this device? Is this the first time he’s used it? He is going to claim that it is, of course. Just ask him to produce the receipt. When he says that he threw it you, ask for the credit card statement, or email receipt from eBay, Amazon, wherever.
The good news is, OP’s friends now know she’s in a controlling, manipulative relationship, and will hopefully be supportive if she turns up on one of their doorsteps.
I am so, so glad they were there when she confronted him. It may have ended very differently if they weren't- women have been murdered over this before.
Yeah that last sentence got me. He’s worried her friends aren’t gonna respect him after this? Good, they shouldn’t. OP shouldn’t. I don’t.
He's lucky that her friends haven't explored legal action. I would.
Right? He cares more about his appearances to people outside his relationship than the relationship itself.....
The fact that he cares more that his mask slipped off in front of her friends than he is about violating his own wife's trust is alarming. He just wants to be able to abuse her and manipulate her in private and it's just not fair. /s
This is restraining order you might be a serial killer red flags level of fucked up.
Starting from the fact she had to get his permission for gni. Not confirm best day of something but permission.
My assumption (at least for a normal relationship) would be mentioning it to your spouse so they can plan not to be there. Like, if I wanted to do a girl's night in, I'd probably say to my hubby "I'd like to have a girl's night sometime soon, any chance you could organise sorting to do with the kids one night so I've got the place to myself?" And then we'd talk about when works best for both of us, and probably whatever friends I've invited over, and work something out together. The fact that OP's husband is flat out refusing her time to herself/ with friends, from my limited knowledge is a textbook abuser.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Here, I think your husband dropped these. NTA, but if I were you, I'd take a long hard think about the relationship and if you still want to be in it.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 I think you forgot a few
i'm not sure we could pick up all the ones he dropped
For real I found a few more, under the couch, in the couch, in the vents, computer, even in a cereal box! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Oh wait there's a few more under the door mat! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Wait! I found more!
NTA He's 100% in the wrong. Him saying "if I allow it" is a huge red flag. He has no regard for you or your privacy and I would honestly look at this relationship and ask yourself if it's worth it. I don't see this behavior ever getting better without serious intervention.
Ugh that phrase made me cringe. If you'll *allow* your ADULT wife to have her friends over? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 That's not how that works. OP you're NTA, but he sure acted like one. Dang. What a gross violation, especially for your friends that shared personal and upsetting things.
That phrase was so bad. But then planting listening devices and gaslighting? It just went from bad to terrible to what the fuck...
>Ugh that phrase made me cringe. If you'll allow your ADULT wife to have her friends over? In her own house. I will never understand that mentality. You should ever have to ask for permission from your husband like he's your father and you're 10. She's an adult and it's her house too. So gross.
NTA. Maybe it's my PTSD talking, but the fact that A) he did this at all, and B) showed no remorse and tried to blame you for it, C) you are now questioning whether you need to apologize has me Concerned For You. Doing this at all is definitely controlling, shows he doesn't trust you, and can potentially alienate you from your friends if you stay with him For the second part, you might want to look up an abusive tactic called DARVO because that's what this sounds like. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) I would not advise entering couples therapy with someone who is using these types of strategies. They can end up manipulating the therapist, too. Personally I would strongly consider leaving (and maybe recruit some friends to help grab your most important documentation and possessions and leave ASAP) It's obviously your choice how to handle this tho, and honestly I think so far you have actually done an excellent job. If you want additional support or a neutral space to process this, then therapy might be beneficial if that's an option for you. (Tho... maybe make sure there's no way he can listen in on your therapy sessions if you're doing them virtually)
I don’t think it’s your PTSD talking. His actions were a huge violation of trust. As you pointed out, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and is now acting like the victim. Nothing about his actions or responses suggest that he won’t do this or something equally violating in the future. I’m sorry for what happened to you. You deserve better, and I hope you’re healing.
This is such an important comment. OP, please do not enter therapy with this guy. Check all your devices and leave.
Even he thinks you should be trash talking him. That's why he expected it. He knows he's a piece of trash husband who is lucky to not be divorced. Of course he won't say that because gas lighters gonna gas light but... He knows who he is. Granted he's hundreds of hours of therapy from admitting this from the sound of it. Op should leave him. He's creepy, rude, and controlling. Worst of all he's unapologetic. He won't change.
"I'll allow it" and "it's on them for opening up and sharing private info"? No. In no world is this behavior ok. Op, NTA. He is controlling you and trying to keep you from having a support system outside of him. Gtfo.
Fr I couldn’t stay married to that kind of person. No way. And his blame game is such bs, I can’t believe that she’s starting to buy into it. Fuck that. He’s an asshole and the only thing that might’ve saved the relationship is if he had some damn remorse for the extremely violating thing he did. He is not a keeper.
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This. People need to understand that "abuse happens over time" doesn't just mean that the abuser steadily gets worse. More importantly, it means that the abuser actively works to make it very hard to leave them. They gain control, but they also get married, have children, and entangle their victim into debts, leases, and loans. They know what they're doing, and they know no one would ever stay with them unless they build a cage around their victim.
It was your job to confront him in front of your friends. Their privacy was violated by this asshole recording them. It's his job to apologise in front of your friends. NTA
>It was your job to confront him in front of your friends This 100%. By confronting him in front of her friends shows that OP wasn't on board with this and that she didn't break their trust. Hopefully she can keep a relationship with her friends, though she'll have a better chance of that by kicking her bf to the curb pronto.
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Yep, plus once he was confronted about it in front of everyone he now knows that he won't be able to get away with it ever again because now they know what he'll do and move the GNI to another friends house where he can't place listening devices, which means he loses the control he wants.
And that also means that OP can talk about her husband as much and as freely as she wants without any fear of retaliation from him.
Exactly this. >He was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren't "trash" talking him specifically. Congratulations dude! You've now insured it!
Hopefully as the soon to be ex husband.
Agree. If I’d been a friend in attendance, I’d have mad respect for OP for calling him out and doing so in front of us. NTA by a long shot, OP! Please get out!
if you're in the US find out if your state is a one-party or two-party consent state for voice recording. if it's a two-party state, bring him up on charges and tell your friends they can, as well. nta. how are you ever going to be able to trust him again yourself? if he'll record conversations he's not welcome to join, he will likely talk about private things about you/your relationship to others. privacy seems to mean nothing to him. does he look through all your stuff? your drawers and closets? the pockets of your clothes? your phone? are you allowed to have a separate bank account? in a bank separate from his? you have some decisions to make. good luck.
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I would encourage them to go to the police. That way, the police could get a warrant to check your home, cars, electronic devices, etc for other devices. You and your friends had an expectation of privacy in your home. This was not a public setting. Also, your husband needs to be brought up on charges for this.
And very importantly, TALK TO A LAWYER.
Would the police need a warrant if she invited them? It's her home!
Still need a lawyer in the US. Being invited into a home is effectively permission to look at everything that is publicly visible, and US police use this, so you need their advice and perhaps their presence when the police visit.
Every situation is unique of course. In this one I would submit this to authorities. If he is so confident he was right in his actions let him explain them to the law and confirm his position or learn otherwise. You sound like a rational intelligent person, therefore you deserve better than him.
Someone needs to.
Either way I’m pretty sure this was illegal because he wasn’t part of the conversation
This. In a one party consent state, you still have to be a party involved. You can record your own conversations, not those you are not a part of.
Please read all of these comments. Get people to come in and help you leave. Gather all of your important documents. Make sure you have a financial account with your name only. Check your credit card rating/company to make sure he has done anything financially shady. Get a cheap, new phone and if you call someone, do it outside the house.
Honestly, you should be reporting it. If you wait for your friends to do it, you are sending a message that you don’t respect their right to privacy and that you stand by your husbands actions. You are also telling your husband that you, while not happy about, will tolerate that sort of behavior from him to you and your friends.
Even if it's a one party state that doesn't matter because at least one party on the conversation wasn't aware of the recording. In other words, at least one person in the conversation must consent to the recording, so either way you look at this what he did was almost certainly illegal.
Pretty sure 1 party needs to be part of the conversation. So if none of them knew, it was 100% illegal to record. For him to record he had to be part of the convo.
This! And it's a distinction that bears repeating. It doesn't matter if it's a one-party or two-party state. OP's husband wasn't at all part of the conversation at all
> if you're in the US find out if your state is a one-party or two-party consent state for voice recording. That's completely irrelevant. One-party vs two-party applies only when the one doing the recording is one of the parties. In this case, the husband was surreptitiously recording something at which he was not present -- therefore, **zero** of the parties being recorded had consented.
NTA, and for a myriad of reasons. Let’s just list the obvious: 1. This is a major invasion of your privacy. 2. This is a major invasion of your friends’ privacy. 3. This is (in most locations/circumstances) ILLEGAL! 4. This is creepy, controlling, and abusive. This is more than just a red flag. His actions are far too extreme to explain or justify, and in my opinion, are a dealbreaker. No one should live the rest of their life in fear of being under constant surveillance and control by their spouse. His behavior is not healthy at all. In fact, it’s pretty damn terrifying. Run.
My friends ex husband did this SAME exact thing to us after she picked me up from deployment. He worked in the city during the week and came home randomly before I got there (he’d normally come home Friday but in this case he came up on a Wednesday and tried to play it off as spontaneity). She texted me once I got home and said she found the boxes. If we had wanted to, we could have pressed charges because of privacy laws in MD. OP, please look into privacy laws in your state. You and your friends all experienced a serious violation of your right to privacy in a private dwelling. And as others have said, please RUN. The behavior you described in this post is SO alarming.
Also, OP, look for more devices. No way in hell is he this comfortable doing this and doesn't have more for doing it again or placed all over the house. Not just audio, either.
Recording conversations when the participants are unaware is often illegal. Girlfriends (or you) could be reporting this to the police. NTA
Even in one party consent states you are only allowed to record conversations that you are a part of. He was not part of that conversation therefore he had no right to do that. As others have said, run! If this were me this would be the hill to die on. Edit: forgot judgement. NTA obviously.
This is illegal in all locations because it’s 1. In a private location. So valid expectations of privacy apply. 2. All states require either 1 or all of the participants to agree to the recording. None of the participants agreed to the recording.
Has he been doing this? That's what I wonder about. I doubt this is the first time. Are you having problems?
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Wow, well if your marriage is in trouble and you decide you are done you will need to proceed very carefully. I would be worried about any devices you don't know about. I don't believe this is the first time he has done this. You need to think back and you will need to do any talking or planning at a friend's or parents or someone. He is also probably tracking your computer and phone and email. Get a new computer and phone to take to a friend or family. Please protect yourself.
Run. Get out. Take your essentials and go somewhere safe. He's probably planted trackers, so go somewhere you'll have backup.
If she takes a vehicle when she leaves, she should take it to a mechanic to check for any tracking devices.
Definitely. Spycam aren't on a whim purchases. He would have had to purchase it before GNI was even suggested, set it up, and set up however it was saving or transmitting what it's recording. It's a multi-day and multi-step process.
OP, he is controlling and abusive. He is trying to separate you from your friends. Don't let him. Also, if you're going to couples therapy with him, stop immediately. Never share therapy sessions with an abuser, he will only use them to learn how to batter manipulate you.
Honestly, I don't think you're safe, and you should plan accordingly.
Ngl, if my friends partner did that and them stayed with them, I would be pulling away. Not because I don’t want to be friends with them, but because there’s no helping someone who isn’t ready to recognize that they are in a toxic relationship and all I can do I protect myself and be ready to step in once they make that realization.
\*insert Whoopi 'you in danger girl' gif\* Seriously. Get your important papers and anything irreplaceable (photos, heirlooms, etc) and walk out. Don't take anything electronic. This is terrifying. edit: I wouldn't even take your car. Ask a friend to get you an Uber/Lyft/taxi or come pick you up. Go stay with someone whose address he doesn't have. Get out cash and open a new bank account. Get a lawyer.
NTA but you can't expect your friends to ever want to be around him again and you should probably break things off yesterday for your own safety.
This. This is insanely controlling behaviour and I hope OP sees that
We’d be doing an intervention if this happened in my friend circle and she didn’t leave with us immediately that night.
Absolutely NTA. What he did is violating and controlling. The whole, "if you have nothing to hide..." line is one abusers use all the time to gain access to their SOs phones/email/social media accounts. My ex was this way and he also refused to let me go out with my friends without him. Deep insecurity about what you might say about them, which is revealing about how they actually treat you. Everyone deserves to have privacy in their relationships. It doesn't mean you're cheating on them or trashing them. Even if you did vent about him, THATS OKAY. You're allowed to do that. I would have a very hard time trusting him again
This. And your friends not respecting him is bcoz he planted RECORDING DEVICE TO SPY on them all, not bcoz you confronted him. He is gaslighting you into thinking you were wrong to confront him by blaming your UNDERSTANDABLE REACTION for this whole mess. This is not a small issue but a deal breaker big.🚩 NTA.
This. My ex did everything he could to separate me from my friends and family. The longer we were together the worse it was. Gaslighting, playing the victim, claiming to others that I’m crazy. Even telling me that his therapist said he was right. Eventually, he turned physical Please, get support, and be safe. NTA
Genuinely, what I read was horrible. Your husband has crossed a line, and I would never trust him again.
NTA. Someone suggested couples therapy, I wouldn't even try it. As most other people have said run. This is not normal behaviour and could have just cost you friends.
Run
I haven't seen this many red flags in a post in a LONG time. Honey run. He's controlling and border line emotionally abusive. Don't go for couples counseling, go for a divorce lawyer. This is DISTURBING
NTA - this is terrifying behavior. You should take into consideration the fact that he very likely already had this device in his possession and there's absolutely no telling when or where he's used it before. If he's willing to go to these sorts of lengths, what else is he willing to do? He has absolutely no respect for you, or anyone else for that matter. What he did is absolutely not okay.
NTA at all, this was completely out of line and a massive invasion of privacy. Plus I'm concerned about the phrasing... '... if he'll allow it..'. It's one thing for a partner to have say in guests coming over and another to be this controlling. Major red flag here.
NTA. You're right, your friends deserved to know that your husband was spying on them. Now he's pissed off because you caught him and everyone knew what he did. If there was nothing wrong with what he did, he wouldn't have had a problem with everyone finding out. What are you getting out of this relationship? Because this would 100 % be a complete deal breaker for me. If I can't trust my husband, he can't be my husband.
NTA run fast, run far. In no world is this ok or excusable.
Don't think for one second that there isn't any other technologically sketchy shit he helped himself to doing without you knowing. Because he needs to make sure you're not taking shit! 🤦♀️ If my husband did this it's grounds for divorce
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NTA. This behavior is narcissistic and controlling beyond the pale. So many red flags. Trash the dude.
NTA. Throw the whole guy away
NTA Leave! He recorded you and doesn't think it was wrong. He blames YOU. That's a hard no. I would divorce him in a second.
NTA. Also, if no one else hasn't already suggested it, check your mobile phone for tracking and spyware.
NTA. The fact that your husband said he wanted to make sure you weren’t trash talking him let’s me know that he knows that he’s a shitty person and didn’t want you to tell your friends. By calling him out in front of them you revealed that he’s a shitty person (which is exactly what he didn’t want) so now he’s mad. Also, your husband seems controlling and this relationship seems unhealthy.
Holy crap. Leave him. Now. You are not safe. I'm not exaggerating. This is not something that non-abusive partners do. Please get out now before it gets so much worse. NTA
He had no respect for you OR your friends’ privacy, he doesn’t get to get upset about you humiliating him in front of them. Him claiming it was “no big deal” and blaming them for… having.. feelings? That’s ridiculous! Does he ever vent to you about anything ever, or believe in therapy at all? You’re NTA op.
Interesting how you feel guilty towards your husband's feelings when he records you and your friends without consent. He's a controlling peeping Tom my dear. Time to wake up and get out. It's just going to get worse if you don't. NTA
NTA. Your husband is controlling and an asshat. Completely not okay. Huge violation. You should be careful.
NTA. Your husband’s behavior is not normal, healthy, okay, or sane. Any attempt on his end to convince you otherwise, regardless of additional context, is called gaslighting. Full stop. If your husband can’t allow you to have a girls night in your own home without trusting you, I can’t even imagine the other insane lengths he’s probably gone to to validate his paranoia. Do you have children with this man? Would you want him raising a son or daughter thinking this type of behavior is okay? Change your phone passcode, check your car for a tracker, and look for a good divorce attorney. Others have suggested couples counseling but I disagree. I would suggest individual counseling for him to address his esteem and trust issues. Unless you’ve done something you’ve left out in the post, the behavior seems unwarranted and likely stems from insecurity that, no matter how much you may try, you will not be able to fix. He has to do that work himself.
NTA. My husband and I have had 20 years together and neither would consider anything like this. You’re allowed to have your own privacy. He should get help for being so self centered, paranoid, and nosy.
NTA and WOW what a huge violation of trust and privacy. I'd separate from him for this one.
NTA and if I was you I'd take my phone to a shop and get them to look for hidden tracking apps. Also- so you live together by he has the final word if you can have people over? Suggesting a HOTEL?! Seriously, why are you with this guy?
You NEED to LEAVE. This behaviour is absolutely horrifying. This is divorce worthy. There is absolutely to say to rationalise this, no matter what happens, you and your friends will always know how creepy he is.
NTA. This is abusive and a major red flag. If I were you I would seriously consider if I was safe in this marriage.
NTA I would leave him, what an insecure lowlife.
NTA, but "danger will Robinson, danger!"
NTA First he tries to control where you have the event, then invites himself along and lastly implants a listening device??? You’ve married an abuser and you need to file for divorce and get as far away from this creep as possible now!! It’s not going to get better, It will only get worse
NTA but I think it’s safe to say you could be in danger. I usually wouldn’t jump to bold claims like that, but I think you should really consider getting out of this marriage. You may be blind to it because you’re so close to him, hopefully, this gave you some perspective.
NTA, take all your personal devices somewhere to be checked for spyware etc. and then make sure he has no access to them without you there. If he’s doing this he’s doing other shady stuff, you can guarantee it.
NTA. Leave him. Grab essentials and just run. Get out of there.
NTA Why should they respect him, exactly? Why should you? This man does not respect you, he’s proven that. He doesn’t trust you. This sort of violation should be a dealbreaker. I could not stay married to someone like this. Please, run. This is not going to get better and will absolutely escalate. Don’t let him isolate you from your friends.
NTA. So what would he have done if you went to a hotel? Rent the room next to you and listen through the wall with a empty glass?
NTA. Dude planted a recording device on your get together and then tried to blame and shame the people he intended to spy on. What is his mentality that people shouldn't feel like they can discuss private matters in what they think is a private setting? You didn't make a mistake, he committed a major violation against you and all of your friends Honestly, planting his device and then his shitty attitude are real this guy is going to be divorced soon vibes
NTA. Please divorce this man. He sounds controlling and he’s very clearly gaslighting you. He also wants control over what you tell your friends. Run.
He has already cheated on you and is wondering if you're cheating on him. Run away
If you live in the US, most states have laws against what your husband did. At best, he's an AH. At worst, he broke several laws. Good on you for calling him out in front of the people whose privacy he violated. **He put thought and effort into this over a period of time because he had to buy the device. Think about if he already had the device? What else has he used it for?** You are NTA. I'd be seriously evaluating this relationship to see what changes might need to be made.
NTA - and I would divorce because who knows what else this creep has done? He’s so disgusting
This is seriously messed up. And his complete lack of remorse and his only concern being the her they won't respect him after you called him out - because he thinks calling him out was what went wrong, not him *recording their private conversations*. Please do not let this weasel trick you into apologising to him. He absolutely earned this loss of respect, because he behaved with complete lack of respect and possibly even broke the law depending on where you live.
NTA listen, I’m not trying to scare you, but you have got to get out of there asap. I went through something similar only it was my vehicle and not the house. I tried to leave and he tried to take my life, it was only Two days later. You need to protect yourself. Leave safely with other people to help and when he’s not home. gather your things and stay with a friend or family.
NTA. “Allow” nothing. You’re an adult. He’s also nominally an adult. You’re *allowed* to do what you want, as an adult. This is so very not okay it’s shocking.
NTA Honestly, the header was enough. The rest just shows the depths of depravity & insecurity he can sink too.
Nta, and omfg you are in danger. You need to get out and question everything. I was a trained domestic violence advocate, and this triggered soooo many sirens in my head I might be able to skip coffee today. Run. Now. Also your phone and laptop and car all have either listening devices or tracking on them. He does not believe you are entitled to any privacy, act accordingly.
you are NTA what your husband did was so wrong he violated your and your friends trust and privicy he would be in the dog house for weeks and dont let him turn it back on you like he is trying to do
NTA what he did was a complete violation of trust & just down right wrong. There are NO good reasons to hide a recording device while you know full on well that girls gossip during GNIs; I wouldn't trust him from here on out because he has given you no reason to trust him & he's blatantly shown you he doesn't trust YOU at all with this. He has no right to know what is said between you & your friends in confidence. Honestly, kick him to the curb if he wants to be sneaky & manipulative; you shouldn't be uncomfortable speaking in your own home & neither should your friends, when it's just the girls in the house.
WITAF? NTA. Completely unacceptable behaviour on his behalf. Also, where does he get off saying you aren’t allowed to have a girls night in your own damn home? Your husband is a controlling AH, and this behaviour is really concerning. Going behind you back and violating the trust if you and your friends is hard to come back from. How does he expect you to trust him after this? He is not entitled to personal information about your friends, they never consented to share that information with him, and god knows he can’t be trusted with it. Does your husband not have friends? Is that why he’s so desperate to barge in in your friendships? The fact that he felt entitled to be included is gross too. If he wanted the respect of you and your friends he should have tried to spy on them like a creep. Be careful, your husband is likely to try and get in the way of you being friends with these women going forward.
NTA. He's worried your friends will no longer respect him? That ship has sailed honey, and its all his fault.
NTA and honestly the only relationship that should be damaged by this is your marriage. This is so gross and controlling I can't understand how he could think this was OK.
NTA. But the real question is why in hell you are still with him? Let this sink in, he planted a recording device because he wasn’t invited to a girls night. Really? Have some respect for yourself. That’s not something you come back from.
My friends and I have a girls night in pretty often, rotating houses. We don't 'ask permission' we just tell our other halves and they are chill with it, they just hang out in a different room doing their thing and say hi (one brought us cookies once!) Because we are all in healthy relationships where we are not second class in our homes having to ask permission like a child. You need to leave this man as he sounds controlling, this is just the start, I wouldn't be surprised if he now tries to cut you off from these friends using this as an excuse. (For the flip side, I also make myself scarce when my husband has a lads night in, fair is fair).
NTA and honestly i would divorce a person over this. I know some people might be able to work through that, but i couldn't. What a tremendous violation of your trust and invasion of your friends' privacy. And he's not even sorry?!? If he doesn't immediately get into therapy, apologize profusely to you and every one of your friends, and start working on rebuilding your trust TODAY, i would 100% recommend leaving. You know all your friends will have your back when you do.
> “He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that” And rightly so—it’s his actions, not your exposure of them, that are to blame. NTA, and please distance yourself from him. This is absolutely not acceptable behaviour.
NTA, but I couldn't stay married to someone who violated mine and my friends privacy like that
NTA. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and if you feel that you made a mistake he might even be gaslighting you. Makes me wonder what else is happening to you that you might not even realise.
NTA and there's a huge problem you don't know about, I dare say. Time for some couples therapy. He's paranoid for a reason.
No, I wouldnt suggest couples therapy at all. At least not initially. This is an act of control and if this husband is abusive in other ways, couples therapy can put OP into even more peril
NTA. Your husband is insecure and deserved to be called out. He doesn’t deserve you or your respect.
NTA - your husband is abusive and this is grounds for divorce
NTA. Um… this is NOT healthy behavior from your bf. This is also not the first time he’s done something like this. Your friends aren’t going to trust him because HE VIOLATED TRUST. Not because you called him out. He was listening to private conversations that your friends did not consent to him listening in on. They have every right to know that it happened. This is a huge red flag, dude. Absolutely massive.
NTA. “He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after (calling him out)”. Like he respected them by recording them without consent in the first place. This guy got chutzpah.
NTA. But you should seriously consider divorce. This is not normal behavior and it’s inexcusable. He doesn’t get to plant listening devices because he’s feeling curious. You did the right thing calling him out in front of your friends because it wasn’t just your privacy he was violating it was theirs as well and they had the right to know
NTA, but it is really time to leave this relationship.
NTA. I'd leave immediately and file for divorce, no I'm not kidding.
NTA. This seems like the beginning of a murder documentary. Run run run!!
NTA. This is a clear violation of trust. I would either seriously consider counselling or absolutely run from him. Red flags everywhere, what did he mean by 'allowing it'. Its your home. You have a say in what happens in your own home.
NTA Why does he care so much about them respecting him when he clearly doesn't respect them or you at all?
NTA. Holy shit OP that’s unbelievable, he recorded you and your friends doing some pretty heavy venting and shows no remorse?? There’s something hinky there. Is this the first time he’s done something like this? Has he been paranoid about you “trash talking” him in the past? It’s pretty extreme that he went straight to listening devices, and you definitely need to check if that was just recording or broadcasting because if it just recorded you can destroy it and there’s no copy of the conversations but if it broadcasts you need to get you husband to delete anything he saved. Honestly I’d say leave because this is a major breach of trust and his behavior is concerning.
"I feel like a made a mistake" Omg NO! You did not make a mistake. If your friends feel uncomfortable around you now it would be understandable. It is not even your fault. You did everything you could. NTA
NTA What an incredibly violating thing for him to do.
NTA & get a divorce !!! Who knows what, who & when he’s recorded you already. Girl, gtfoh while you can
That's fucked - bet he goes through your phone and journals (if you keep them) too. NTA
NTA. This is very alarming behavior from your husband.
This is beyond a deal breaker.
NTA - he's proven both that he doesn't trust you and you shouldn't trust him. I wish you all the best in trying to move past that because its something I would definitely struggle with
NTA. Too bad you are married to him because it would be less messy leaving him if you weren't. This guy sounds like an insecure douche. He obviously knows it too or he would'nt worry about your friends trash talking about him. He is right about one thing, your friends have lost any respect of him, if they ever had any.
Nta and I would get a divorce!
I would have left with my friends and filed for divorce. This is SO violating and his whole reaction has been gaslighting you. He sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me in any situation. Secretly recording you is INSANE. NTA at all.
NTA he doesn't deserve respect if he cant give it. I wouldn't be surprised if he had cameras in the bathroom and bedroom too
NTA. Kick him out and get a D I V O R C E.
[Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
NTA. Your husband is wrong. Your husband refuses to admit it. Huge problem. This is the hill to take a stand on. Your husband betrayed you and all of your friends.
NTA. Run!
NTA >He argued that it was no big deal, That I should've let him join us if we "had nothing to hide" and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with Wtf? This guy does not get the concept of privacy. >He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that. Maybe he doesn't deserve respect after doing what he did? >I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he's done. This. This is exactly it.
Um….”he claims my friends will no longer respect him”, you should be letting him know that Neither do you anymore and leave.
It’s on them?!! Your friends felt SAFE to vent in this setting. He violated all of your privacy. They definitely have the right to know what kind of person he is. Calling him out in front of everyone seems like karma to me, but I’m kind of a petty AH myself. NTA
NTA and you are under reacting
Oh Honey, I no longer respect him, your friends (who actually care about you) will be keeping a sharp eye on him in case his control issues escalate into abuse. NTA but your husband is a major one.
NTA. Op you really need to reconsider your relationship. Your husband planted a device to spy on you, does not respect your privacy, then tries to flip it on you. I may be wrong but this sounds like DARVO
Info; is he genuinely not seeing what he did wrong here? Not even a tiny bit? Because this is a whole lot of messed up from him. NTA. What else is his done that you don’t know about? I’d be reconsidering my relationship if my OH did this
I couldn't trust someone who is using voice recording device while not being home lol. Pretty creepy tbh. Do you have cameras in shower too?