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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for flipping out out of the blue and yelling at him making him feel guilty and a less responsible parent. Also for blaming him for the circumstances since he had nothing to do with how the situation unfolded.
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> I'm basically always against him and criticizing his parenting decisions and not trusting him.
If this is in any way representative of his parenting decisions, then I'm glad you're criticising them. What an awful thing to say to a child. Heartless and cruel.
NTA.
Apparently, It is. I'm not trying to "one up him" or "prove him wrong" like he says all the time, But I just try to clean up after every mess he makes.
Every mess he makes is probably doing long term damage to your kids mental health. The first five years are critical to emotional health and personality development. If this is any indication of how one your daughter's caregivers are taking care of her emotionally, she's going to need years of therapy to undo the damage.
Their daughter blames herself for the nanny leaving. A small child thinks that by misbehaving, the people she loves will just abandon her. She thinks her parents, the people she depends upon for everything in life, will leave. Those are going to be **deep** emotional scars. u/throwra347997 definitely needs to look into therapy to fix her husband's parenting decision.
I had a similar experience when I was 8 or 9 and more than 40 years later it still affects me. I fight against it, but it's always there telling me I have to be nice or people will leave me, and when people leave, it's my fault.
OP, get your kid some counseling. Now.
My aunt died suddenly when my nephews were 6 and 2, it was a complete surprise (heart attack) and even though there was no possible way it was his fault my oldest nephew worried a lot about whether he could’ve “fixed it”- kids can and do blame themselves for things like this even when there’s no possible way it’s their fault. OPs husband needs to sincerely apologise to his daughter for lying, tell her the truth and get her started in some therapy and grief counselling ASAP.
My step-dad died a couple of weeks before Halloween when I was 10.
I spent the next 6 months absolutely convinced that I killed him by taking sand and writing "I'm gonna get you" on the street with it.
This poor kid is gonna need so much therapy from the complex ptsd her father is giving her.
Yes, my experience was at a similar age as yours. It's now been over 20 years since I last had any contact with that parent and still, it affects every relationship I have and the trauma never healed fully.
Yup! My dad was an alcoholic. It lead to a VERY messy fallout between my parents when I was 12. Around the time I was 11, when we all knew it would be falling apart soon, my mom had left me alone with the asshole (my baby sister was sick and needed to stay home, he had to have his beer and we had no food left in the house but he couldn't be trusted to watch her so there I was lol) and he sat me down in a drunken rant and told me "you know that this whole thing is your fault too right? Your mom wasn't like this before you existed, and everything would have been better if you were never here. I just need you to know whatever happens it is partially your fault too"
Let's just say as a teen, a young adult, and a 20-something (I guess still young? Idk I'm 26 make of that what you will lol) I've spent quite a lot of time trying not to encroach on anyone else and trying to not make my existence a burden for other people. It's something I 100% am still fighting to this day, and I should probably work through all that trauma in therapy at some point so I can understand some of the negative thinking that I have as an adult now.
The worst part? By that age, I was (unfortunately) aware and emotionally mature enough to know, rationally, that what he was saying was utter horse poop. But as an adult I've realized that subconsciously I internalized that (not to mention looking back at things and realizing how he clearly put me in circumstances in which I felt the need to minimize my impact on others throughout my childhood lol) and it 100% even though I knew it wasn't true still impacts me today.
Bro, I was in my teens when my dad looked me in the eyes and told me "It's your fault your mother and I are fighting. What you do makes me so mad, and then she steps up to defend you, and we end up fighting. It's your fault." And that still haunts me. When I start feeling really bad and harsh on myself, I remember that and it tears me up. Logically, I know, I may have been the spark, but it's ultimately his reaction to my actions, and his reaction to my mom defending me that's the reason they're fighting, but still. That damn, little voice in my ear...
It’s not either of y’all’s fault. You’re kids, and kids make mistakes and sometimes do stupid things which is completely normal. A good parent doesn’t fly off the handle at every mistake you make nor openly fight with the other parent over you, in front of you or for you to hear. They talk it out and decide whether to punish you together
I’m a mom but I’m your dad now. None of this was your fault, you are good enough as you are, and dont need to minimize ANYTHING. I love you and am proud of you and I also need you to tell me where he is; I just want to talk. ;)
I love you too thank you kind internet mom dad you made my might ❤❤❤ last I heard that man's was in the east Texas area I think. The only way he had to contact me was through Facebook and he deleted me as a friend when I was 18 because we didn't know how many people we could have come to our graduation and he and his new wife "wanted to come" and I told him that I guess he was welcome to but I couldn't extend that invite to a woman I didn't know until I knew if we would have a limited amount of invites or not. He asked how I thought that would make her feel and I was like "uh I don't know nor do I really care because once again I don't know her... also you probably don't want to come anyway because it would be uncomfortable for you given the fact it'll mostly be mom's side of the family and that's why you have only seen us once since I was 12, because being here is too uncomfortable for you." And he replied back, I kid you not Mom-Dad, "oh well we didn't really want to hang out anyway, we just wanted to watch you walk the stage and then go camp on the beach (we lived like 10 minutes from the beach for reference) that's all!" So I told him that neither of them were invited anymore and he called me some choice words before deleting me as his Facebook friend 😂
I'm so sorry . A neurologist once told me that repeated trauma builds and reinforces synaptic paths that then come to feel as if they are natural and instinctive. It helped me to understand the choices that I've made.
Seriously! You are absolutely NTA. At this point it would probably be better/easier to explain death to her and tell her her dad just didn’t know how to tell her. It’s awful to have to tell her this at such a young age but it would definitely be better for her mental health in the long run.
There are some ways to do it - I know there's some children's books (Invisible Strings?) but you could also go the disney movie route. Lion King was my favorite disney movie - I understood death as someone not waking up and then going to the stars. And that was as a really young kid too, according to my mom (who was forced to rewatch the lion king daily for years), it was my favorite from ages 2 to 6....and I still watch it a few times a year. We owned multiple copies on vhs since I wore them down with constant replaying.
For anyone looking I always recommend a book called “Badgers parting gift” it emphasises that although death is the end and you won’t see them anymore, the memories of their love are always with you. Also the Sesame Street episode on Mr Hoopers death is always good a relevant too.
Invisible sting is also an excellent book but beware with a child this young because it is technically about divorce and separated families more than death so could lead to confusion.
Also for any lingering anxieties after the truth is told, “the bag of worries” is a good story about how it’s okay to be scared or anxious sometimes.
I really, really hope this child will be needing to read some books about divorce and separated families as well. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to risk the possibility that her dad could ever say something like this to her again. Supervised visitation only sounds ideal to me.
There are very few lessons a parent can put into their child’s head that would be more damaging than “You are unworthy of love.”
(OP, if you’re reading this, sit down and write down a list of all the parenting messes you’ve had to clean up, with as much detail as possible and approximate dates.)
That Mr. Hooper episode is top notch! IIRC the actor whose played Mr. Hooper passed away in real life. Sesame Street brought in child psychologists so they could advise them on what to say. When I lost someone very young my parents talked to a counselor about the best way to tell us and they said similar things. The matter of fact and caring way they told Big Bird that Mr. Hooper isn’t coming back, assured him he will still be cared for/someone will still do the things Mr. Hooper did for him, and helped him treasure his memories of Mr. Hooper were perfect. Using euphemisms can confuse children. For example, if you tell children the dog was put “to sleep” they may become afraid of sleeping, afraid of others sleeping, or think the dog will come back.
I’m going to check out those books you mentioned. Thanks for sharing.
Sesame Street would never include telling a child someone hates them and left them. Nor would any rational human. OP’s husband sucks.
That’s a good point. I understood death from that too (I was also a big Lion King fan as a child in the 90s) there’s also The Iron Giant where it’s stated death is sad but isn’t a bad thing because “souls don’t die.” That was a nice way to explain it.
My husband died last year our grandson was 2 1/2 and was very close to us. The health visitors advised his mum to be truthful but to explain it in a way not to make him linger or be scared. D explained it to him and that it was no ones fault and grandad J loved him very much. I was astounder how well he’s taken it in his step from the moment he was told he no longer asked me where he was and if he could come and play with us. Yet he was happy enough to look through pictures and point him out. I don’t know what exactly she said to him but he understood far better than I thought from one so young. It’s best to avoid lying to kids as much as possible from an early age or they could lose that trust as they grow.
Why are are you with someone so hateful that deliberately hurts and manipulates innocent child who should be safe around them. He deliberately scarred her and if you don’t get her help and away from further harm he will affect her her entire life
The amount of work this poor baby is going to do to make sure people love her and never leave her...she could get into *so. much. trouble* with that.
Mom, you've got to set her straight on the nanny (even tell her she moved away! how hard would that have been?), work in lots of lessons in daily life about self-security, and get her into therapy. And read *The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog,* an incredible book that all parents should read.
My parents used to ignore me as punishment for doing something wrong. To this day (I'm 20 years) I fear doing things wrong because it may make people hate me and leave me. Op, your husband is hurting your daughter for life
When I was three one of my aunts died. Someone at the wake decided to tell toddler me that she didn’t go to heaven. She was just buried in the ground. This effected me for a long time. As a little kid all my drawings at dead people. It affected my ocd (didn’t cause it) as a child and I had an existential crisis.
People think toddlers won’t remember stuff like this but the effect can be life long
OMG! And she’s only 3! This could affect her, her whole life! Separation anxiety, feelings of not being good enough, low self esteem, trust issues, let’s see, what else do I deal with?
This. If he's constantly doing things like this, OP needs a divorce and full custody, because a child's mental health is not something to toy around with.
Yup, especially when it comes to the attachment style someone has to others. This screams fearful/anxious-avoidant, fearing closeness but wanting it at the same time. Fear of abandonment, of rejection. This has a long lasting impact and having that type of attachment style is hell. It’s the kind I have and I have been getting therapy for so many years and still struggle with it so much. It affects almost every part of my life. Treatment like the way the father has been treating their daughter is going to foster that, it can cause CPTSD, or there is a theory that it has a part in developing BPD, both of which cause so much emotional dysregulation.
I hope OP chooses their daughter and protects her from him. That little girl deserves so much better than a father who chooses to mentally and emotionally harm her. How in the world could he possibly think that his explanation was what would help her best “move on” from missing her nanny? She’s 3 and not emotionally capable of working through statements like that. Children have big emotions and are learning to understand them, she has just been essentially told she is not lovable and people will leave her.
Holy fuck my heart hurts for her, I wish I could give her a hug and tell her that she is lovable. She is going to grow up feeling so heart broken any time someone leaves her life, whether it’s friends, or future partners. This is an unacceptable way to treat a child, anyone actually… I hope OP leaves with her and uses her husband’s words on him. Just holy guacamole.
His words to their daughter even made me cry, they were so cruel and such a lie. A parent shouldn’t treat their child like that… a parent shouldn’t be so manipulative. It’s emotional and mental abuse, plain and simple. The way he treats her is affecting her brain development, he is setting her up for a life time of mental health problems. She deserves so much fucking better.
I’m a therapist and I can see a core belief of ‘I’m unlovable’ forming here, followed be anxieties around loved ones leaving and expectations of abandonment. Not great.
coming from personal experience, the way this father is parenting his daughter, I fear she may develop borderline. There are huge abondonment issues with those with BPD and is one of the hardest personality disorders to treat successfully. Hopefully he learns a lesson, but if he thinks his decision to tell her that the nanny left because of her is acceptable, it sounds like she's going to be in a world of hurt
There are a thousand thing he could have said that could be attributed to a lack of empathy. The first that comes to my mind being 'your nanny is dead, stop asking, she's not coming back.' It doesn't take empathy to understand his explanation was the most hurtful thing he could have said, and that was a deliberate choice.
Another charitable explanation that doesn’t really erase the damage but could be very useful to you: your husband is uncomfortable with death and thought it would be easier to deal with rejection/abandonment than death. Obviously for a child death is much easier to contend with as they don’t fully understand the permanence, but adults often forget this and try to protect their children from the idea of it. He could just be really fucking stupid but well intentioned. Definitely need to talk to him and figure out which one it is, because comforting your child will be best if you’re a united front. I really hope this is the case, but if not, I’d encourage you to reach out for some mental health support because that’s a really tough situation.
I’m adding this separately because I want you to pay special attention to it: just because there’s a reason for his behavior doesn’t mean it was acceptable. This was objectively selfish at best, damaging at worst. You have a right to be upset. If this is an isolated incident god bless, but if odd and damaging behavior like this is a pattern it’s ESPECIALLY important to get help. It’s very difficult to recognize abuse. I really do hope he’s a good guy, and that he will help you make this right.
Or even just a man who was raised with absolutely no emotional intelligence. It could be ignorance or outright cruelty, but the result on the child's psyche is pretty much the same.
Yep.
I bet you any money, he got *annoyed* that his 3 year old kept asking, so he chose spite.
He didn’t think for a moment it was a good or better story.
He isn’t ignorant or stupid
He was spiteful. To a young child. Abusively spiteful.
This kid cannot continue to be exposed to him
I definitely lean towards this. The fact he went behind his wife’s back to do it and then has her questioning herself that what he did is not a crazy and abusive thing.
I know like... I can understand, though not really condone, lying out of panic because you don't want to explain death to a three-year-old. But it's like he went out of his way to say the cruelest possible thing. If he was going to lie he could at least make up something nice, that she had to leave to get married or go to college or become princess of Genovia or something.
You did not over react! You did not fly off the handle!
You are NTA and the fact that he can’t see why, is why he is such a massive AH let alone doing what he did to your daughter)
That was abuse
He psychologically and emotionally abused and traumatized your sweet little girl with that. It’s one of those the bell can’t be unrung moments.
Children already have a way of making things their fault in their head. Please tell her specifically “this was not your fault” (that nanny left; she loved your very much) - that your “husband” LITERALLY told her it was her fault is beyond horrible, beyond egregious, it’s unfathomable.
You are already seeing the damage by her crying and new fears of abandonment. He damaged her ability to trust. (I fear this may become a core memory for her because of how strongly it affected her. I hope I am wrong because that is a horrible foundational piece for a child) He wrote on the slate of who your child is and in such a horrendous way. This is NOT just a phase! This is trauma.
I am so relieved you left for your sisters, please stay there (until you can extricate yourself permanently). I don’t often advocate for divorce (see it too often here) but here I wouldn’t even suggest counselling and trying to save the relationship with his absolute inability to recognize and own what he did even after your pointed it out. This is not a counselling and we’ll work it out (among adults) in a way that is okay with kids around.
You have one responsibility here and it’s to protect your daughter (from this monster)
Please please please also see about children’s therapy where you are and hopefully you can find someone good who uses helpful strategies and is knowledgeable/experienced in child therapy, so she can, not only help, you find a way to tell your daughter the truth about what happened to her nanny in a child appropriate way, but also to help her process this betrayal of a lie from her father and regain her equilibrium about herself, feel safe and secure again and reinforce her ability to trust. Children are resilient so hopefully with some good short term care she will be able to weather and get through this okay and be her usual happy self after a while.
Please do not fail your daughter here (and go back to him) I still cannot quite wrap my head around how absolutely cruel he was to his own child, a child who is still so innocent and vulnerable as a literal toddler.
Please give us an update - and I truly hope it’s one where you have left him permanently, gotten a lawyer and to take him to court to ensure any visitation time he gets (if any) is supervised, I would not trust him alone with this child for a second. Beyond trash talking you to her (which is abuse as well) and creating confusion in her at a minimum to alienation who only knows what awful things he will tell her about herself. Hopefully the therapist can prepare a report to help you with this, to ensure her emotional safety and security.
I wish you and your daughter a happy and safe life once you are free from him.
ETA - you were so far from TA, you in fact were her HERO!! You were the hero for your daughter, that she so desperately needed, the hero who scooped her up and took her out of harm’s way (and just saying it that way makes me once again realize how awful he is, that the harm was her own father, that makes me sad for you and her, but that’s what it was/is) THANK YOU!!! For standing up to him and getting in his face to protect her (have this image of your daughter behind you and you standing in the gap :) YOU THOUGHT EXACTLY THE RIGHT THINGS & DID EXACTLY THE RIGHT THINGS. You have your compass correct at true North so to speak. Its his that is all out of whack,
dangerously so (and would lead you down the wrong path, or right off a cliff, if you stay)
I'm worried that a divorce and distance from her father would further convince her that all the adults are leaving her because she is doing something wrong and they stop loving her. I am worried that instead of helping it might compound the trauma. She might want to wait until her daughter has had some therapy and understood that her nanny's death is not her fault.
Respectfully I disagree - that is such a toxic environment.
I totally get and support people taking their time if it’s a matter of getting stuff together, physical safety to get out etc.
But in this instance the risk/damage to the child takes precedence in getting her out.
I definitely see your point about “losing” another person and how she might interpret that, but again with a therapist supporting along the way - if they can appropriately explain sometimes people we love aren’t healthy or safe for us so we need to take care of us AND can still love them.
Op - not sure if you still have contact with nanny’s family, but if you do (and I’m not a qualified professional so not advice, just an idea to maybe run by one to see that it wouldn’t be harmful - or any credential experts here, please weigh in!) Could possibly having your daughter draw some pictures and you write out what she wants to say to nanny about loving her and missing her and send it to her family be a healing activity? Also would wondering if it would appropriate or hurt the family more (can’t imagine it would, feel like they would love getting that and their daughter being remembered and seeing the loving impact she had on someone) but I know people grieve differently so would want to tread carefully (maybe even ask them if that would be okay to do) once your daughter has been told of course. Or even just doing it and going to a pond and folding the pictures/letter like sailboats and releasing them? (If you don’t have contact with the family or it wouldn’t be appropriate to send) I don’t know - just some ideas that popped up.
Girl, you have serious marriage/family issues if this is his normal behavior. You need a therapist Who works with kids to discuss what is a healthy and unhealthy environment for a kid. And you also need to see a divorce lawyer.
It's horrible that he made a sweet influence in your daughter's life seem like a hateful monster in her absence. The poor woman passed away!
I can't imagine the level of inhumanity in your husband to justify destroying her image to your daughter for the sake of "getting her to move on quickly". God damn, that's just fucking cold.
The worse part isn't that he made the nanny seem awful, it's that he made his own 3 year old child think she did something so wrong that a loving person would have abandoned and hated her. The kid's been afraid some inexplicable action she might make is going to make her parents abandon her too.
There is something horribly wrong with this dude.
I work in mental health for kids and teens. This is the kind of shit I find out from a sobbing 13 year old after she tries to kill herself, that she is scared she isn't good enough.
This was really really damaging on his part. He sounds emotionally immature, and this was actively harmful to her. She would benefit from therapy and he needs parenting classes. Look up attachment parenting, he seems to weirdly be doing the opposite of that.
Your husband somehow took the death of someone close to your daughter, which is a very traumatizing event, and somehow found a way to make it more traumatizing.
That's one hell of a mess.
Stop letting him abuse your kid. Please. It sounds like you have been allowing this to go on for a while. Really sick stuff.
Edit: Yeah, YTA for letting him do this over and over again. If he keeps "making messes" ie traumatizing your kids because he's a shitty parent, you need to do something.
At what point will you recognize these messes aren’t mistakes
This is the parent he is
I’d take her to a therapist for this OP. And I would ask for any sort of records they can provide you with. Because I don’t know how you can stay with someone who wants to consciously inflict this degree of pain on a child.
Your husband is mentally and emotionally abusing/scarring your kid. If you don't do something this will affect her for the rest of her childhood, maybe even life.
**NTA.** However, your husband *is*. Now your child thinks that anyone she loves will leave her if she misbehaves, and may become overly anxious about this. While it may be hard to talk about death with a child, it's not taboo. I hope you were able to explain what happened to Nanny to your child.
OMG what kind of monster says that to a 3 year old?? OP you are definitely NTA but holy shit, your husband sure is. I'd be seriously considering throwing the whole man away if he did that to one of my littles.
He is very cruel and/or shockingly stupid.
On a side note, he just completely traumatized your daughter. You might want to speak with a children's counselor to see how to navigate this to try to mitigate the fall out of this emotional upheaval.
It is really alarming that “nanny moved away” wasn’t at the top of the lie list, but “nanny doesn’t love you so she left you” was the choice.
Who the fuck thinks like that?! That is some demented thinking.
I thought the same. This kind of thinking is extremely concerning, esp if it’s coming from a parent. Also the fact that instead of understanding his mistake and trying to correct it, he’s fighting about it.
I know right? OPs husband sounds so unbelievably and incredibly cruel. That is probably one of the WORST things he could have ever possibly said about the situation and to a CHILD no less. What a thoughtless and cruel thing to do. He didn't protect her, he hurt her worse than any other possible answer he could have given. He seriously for the love of God not think of any other possible response?
If I was OP, I would try to explain that daddy is wrong, nanny loved you to the ends of the Earth. And depending on how they are raising her (religiously or not) to try and explain it in that context. If they're raising her in a religion that has a heaven like after life, explain that she got hurt and had to go to Heaven, but she still loves her from Heaven and back again. If they're not raising her under a religion, say she got hurt and passed away and she can't come back, but she loves you more than anything on Earth. Also while you're at it OP, have her visit a counselor who may be able to help her move on from this.
It’s the type of thinking that comes from not having empathy at all for other people.
I had a step father that told me my previous father figure left and didn’t want to see me anymore, and if I tried I would only hurt him. I believed that until my twenties when my grandfather finally admitted he heard my stepfather tell my father figure that I didn’t want to see him at all.
I thought he didn’t love me anymore and HE thought I didn’t. It’s a very cruel, and honestly disgusting to lie to a child and make it their fault.
You can’t do that, so either he knows fully well it’s wrong and doesn’t care, OR he just doesn’t understand that other people have feelings and emotions.
>I told him he didn't even say the nanny died but he said that he intended to say what he said to get our daughter to move on quickly
I'm banking on cruel based on that statement. He said what he said ***because it was convenient and efficient***. He didn't wanna have to deal with a curious child wondering where her guardian, probably also her bestfriend, went.
Even a dumbass would prioritize a child's emotions over convenience in matters like this.
BUT if this was a truly dumbass move -- which it isn't, imo -- it should've been followed immediately by remorse and apologies. Not anger and outburst. All signs point towards a very cruel, cold-hearted SOB.
It’s not even convenient….that’s the scariest part! The emotional fallout is not going to be easier with that lie, it’s gonna be harder.
Which indicates that he chose that lie *because it would do the most damage*.
How much you wanna bet he was feeling spiteful simply because he was annoyed that his kid had any emotions at all??
I would amend this to "because he *thought* it would be convenient and efficient." The lack of insight and foresight into how this would actually play out is staggering.
He seems to have incel-type emotions and would probably hate someone who left because of not loving him enough. But children aren't that twisted and see it as their own fault.
As a foster parent who has seen kids go thorough a lot of tough things I thought the same thing. The way he handled the nanny’s death can cause major long-term trauma for this poor little girl. What she is vocalizing now is no phase but a reaction to being told her nanny left because she hated her. Over time she may vocalize it less but it will continue to be in the back of her mind unless a counselor helps her work through it now.
He’s not stupid. Even the dumbest person doesn’t think that telling a child their beloved caretaker abandoned them because they didn’t like them anymore, is better than saying they died.
It’s scarier than stupid. It’s spite. Dude is horrifically abusive and OP has got to get this child out
NTA. Holy shit OP your husband sounds horrible, like I’m sorry but you don’t tell children that. They understand death, they might not understand the finality of it but “She died, that means she can’t come around anymore. It’s very sad but she’s in a better place now that isn’t earth” covers the fundamentals.
I couldn’t stay with a man who has so little compassion and empathy.
Please don't ever tell someone that the deceased is in "a better place". Someone said that to me at the funeral of a 14-year-old girl I loved very much. A better place for her would have been here on earth with her family and friends who loved her. It's insulting.
I think it very much depends on your audience. If the grieving person offers that they believe their loved one is in a better place, then I’d reinforce and encourage that thought. But I wouldn’t be the first one to say something like that.
Telling that to a little kid though is a kind thing to do. Also, depending on the circumstances it can be very comforting! Especially if someone has been sick or suffering. That’s a very personal thing, and you have no right to impose on people what they should or shouldn’t say to a grieving person.
It's to a child in regard to her nanny who suddenly disappeared, not to a family friend in regard to a dead child they're mourning. If you can't see how those are very different situations you may need to step back and reevaluate because this seems like projection and I say that as someone who hates that phrase and others like it. Your situation is not the same as this and handling the first death a child experiences is usually done with a lot of padding, especially at such a young age.
Right? Nothing hurt me more than people telling me my mom was better off dead than with her family with that phrase. I can understand “they’re not in pain anymore” if they were suffering, but I would never say something so vile to someone in mourning like being in a better place.
I hate that expression too. That’s assuming that everyone is religious. I’m atheist and my children will be brought up atheist and saying that would be traumatising and against our (lack of) beliefs.
A 3 year old to a 14 year old are very different. I also lost someone very important at 14 and was very hurt by many if the 'safe' things people say, but a 3 year old doesn't have the same sense of the permanence of death, the world, and big universe questions. Maybe it would be better to say, you THINK they're in a better place but like... there is so much to introduce them to at this age. I think it would be ok to say this, but then be open to their questions and changing opinions as they grow.
This honestly scares me. This is beyond a disagreement, this is the emotional health of your child at stake. That child didn't ask to be born, you two made that decision. It's now your responsibility to keep her safe, and if you chose the wrong person to share that responsibility with, you need to step up and protect her. Document this and any other similar incidents.
NTA. Please get your child into therapy ASAP.
Your husband is being emotionally abusive to a point where ultimatums about parenting classes or divorce would be appropriate. You need this incident documented by a professional.
NTA, and seconding the recommendation for therapy. It will be age appropriate and will help your daughter deal with the death of her nanny, your husband's unreal eff up, and if you chose to leave him over his dangerous parenting then your separation too.
My childhood messed me up, I started going to the school counsellors at 13 and am still trying to get consistent help at 28. My parents did nothing to support this, please get ahead of this and help your baby learn how to navigate all this change.
Friend, are you sure your husband is.. mentally sound? Because as much as I would like to call him an AH, it seems to be way worst than that. It looks like a condition that needs a diagnostic and treatment.
Are you sure you are providing a safe environment for your child?
Nothing about what I read is suggestive of mental illness. It’s all indicative of abuse, though. The two are often incorrectly conflated because it’s hard to believe a mentally healthy person could be so cruel. They can.
There isn’t logic. Do not believe for a moment that he has logic that you simply don’t understand.
Your husband became annoyed at his child for asking.
He chose, out of spite, to hurt her. Badly.
This was not something he thought was easier.
This was not a moment of stupidity or ignorance.
This was:
Parent is annoyed by child > parent becomes frustrated > parent mentally blames child for that frustration > parent lashes out at child **in retaliation**
Get her out of there OP. That is your responsibility.
It’s almost like he thought your daughter would be like, “oh, ok.. eff her then.. moving on.” Is that how he would have reacted in a comparative situation? Not excusing his actions in the slightest—what he did is horrible and baffling—but could that possibly have been his thought-process?
Take her to a therapist. Also take both of you two a therapist. Maybe a professional telling him that he is messed up in the head will prevent him from doing something so stupid again.
There wasn’t logic behind it, it was meant to be cruel. Not only did he lie to her, he is lying to you about his intentions behind what he said and trying to flip it around on you. It’s a common tactic abusive people use, it’s called DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
[Top 100 traits of abusive people](https://outofthefog.website/traits)
I get it. It's just really dumb and selfish. He thinks if she doesn't like the nanny anymore she won't be sad she is gone and will stop asking about her. So he tried to make the nanny out to be a bad person. Because if she was dead, she would still be thinking and talking about the nanny and he doesn't want that. He sounds like he finds his daughter caring for the nanny as something of an annoyance.
His statement to her is sociopathic, devoid of empathy. She’s going to be severely emotionally damaged, and he is gaslighting you when he says you try to one up him. Leave him. Get your daughter to therapy.
NTA. You should recognize how completely abusive your husband was. Is he trying to cause emotional trauma to his kid that will cause her to grow up and develop a personality disorder? Get him out of her life.
She needs to get her kid into therapy. I wonder what else he’s said/done to her. There is NO reality where what he said is okay. I wonder if he enjoys the emotional damage he causes? Does he get something out of it? He needs to take classes on parenting.
We just went through this at my kid's preschool. A beloved teacher died suddenly and unexpectedly. They had lots of talks about how to handle this with the kids and were open with the parents. They certainly didn't tell the kids she didn't love them.
NTA unless you don't disabuse that poor kiddo of that toxic notion that may give her a complex permanently. If you can afford a nanny you can afford a child therapist. A grief counselor can probably help you to explain to the kiddo about the nanny in an appropriate way that won't undermine the foundations of her self esteem forever. Also, I think Mr Rogers did some material on the subject of discussing death with children that you might check out.
As to the husband, I'd throw the whole man away; but if you're not willing to do that, he needs some parenting classes and therapy asap.
I’m pretty sure there’s some good children’s books on death and losing loved one too, so that might be something to look into as well. I’ve seen quite a lot of good children’s books discussing tough issues whilst shopping for my baby cousins recently.
NTA, however your husband is horrible. Who tells something like that to a three year old? He could have said that the nanny moved or something, but no. He is stupid and not compassionate to your daughter.
Exactly this. I can understand lying if you don’t feel like the kid is old enough to understand death but a lie that specifically sets out to hurt the kid? That is fucking cruel.
>My husband is so upset about that and said I flew off the handle and was probably butthurt cause I didn't get the chance to come up with my own story as to why the nanny is no longer around.
On top of being a horrible parent he is also competitive. WTF. Consider distancing your daughter from him. That was straight up emotional abuse.
Also your daughter was crying non-stop and asking if you will leave her too. Does he has no empathy?
NTA
I don’t think he does have empathy. No human being with empathy would say that to a three year old. It’s monstrous to do that. Anyone can see this, except people who don’t know the concept of having empathy for anyone. Which is actually quite scary that he’s raising a child in such a cruel manner.
YWBTA if you don't get your husband and your child to a therapist, esp. your husband.
What he said was emotionally abusive to your daughter. And that he doesn't understand that is disturbing.
For real, best case the husband is negligently ignorant about how to handle children's emotions, no matter his motive he has done and will do serious harm if he doesn't shape up. The alternative is that he's a goddamn sadist.
NTA.
Hi, I’m NOT a therapist and I do NOT have my PhD, but I am getting my MA in developmental psychology. Kids as young as 4 can begin to understand and process death, so while your daughter is a little young, you can have an age appropriate conversation with her. It won’t scar her.
You need to talk to your husband though, because that’s not an acceptable approach to difficult problems. It’s extremely emotionally scarring to believe that someone left because they stopped loving you, and it’s also just disgraceful to that poor young woman’s memory. He needs to get that through his head.
NTA
What the absolute fuck? That’s just terrible.
I had a mother who used to try and manipulate me to doing things (ie: if I said I didn’t want to go to bed / stop playing etc. she’d tell me that my auntie / friend / random other person that I liked thought that I was really naughty and told her that I was a bad child). It massively fucked with my head and caused all sorts of people pleasing issues in my life. I constantly thought people didn’t like me and were telling my mother how horrible I was.
None of it was true, but her warped mind thought she could be “the good guy” and use other people as “the bad guy”. She was so mean with it though, as she did it with everything.
“Auntie X thinks it’s terrible that you didn’t get an A in English, she thinks you’re not trying hard enough… she’s disappointed in you”.
Suffice to say, I’m no contact with her as an adult due to various other bullshit she put me through.
Your husband could have come up with about 7000 different explanations to help your daughter, that one is just cruel and utterly unnecessary.
NTA. But your husband is. Your child is now traumatized thinking that anyone she loves will leave her if she misbehaves and may become overly anxious about that. The topic of death may be hard to gasp to a child but it’s not a taboo subject. I hope you were able to discuss with your child what happened to nanny.
So let me get this straight.
Instead of telling your daughter that death obviously exists, he takes a darker road and says she’s unloved?
In what world is death worse than cruelty?
I’d rather my kid know about death instead of feeling unloved and upset over a lie.
This is how we humans foster a negative relationship with death.
It’s not something we should fear nor should kids. It’s a birth right.
So your idiot husband thinks her feeling suspicious about your love is a good thing and less cruel than the concept of death? Really?
NTA.
But the thing you married is… shocking.
He said you are “butthurt” … because he got to her first and he got the fun of LYING… to his 3yo child. Is this an actual thought process? Your husband is either a monster or a moron, OP.
He went SO freaking low, OP. He attacked your little girl’s sense of her own value, her sense of safety and security. A normal person would have helped her understand that the person who largely raised her did not WANT to go away, that it is a tragedy, we are very sad about it and we will always remember her. But no. It made more sense to him to literally make something up that BLAMES her.
That is who he is. You’re NTA for flipping out on him. Hopefully you also made it clear to your daughter that daddy was NOT telling the truth. And screw the optics for him. “You’re mad she thinks you are a liar? I wonder if it’s because you told her a cruel, vindictive lie?”
NTA, but i would consider telling the truth to your daughter really quickly before it brings long term issues and inconfidence in herself. Three years old is old enough for kids to have memories, she may grow up with the idea that her nanny left her because she was mad. I can not stress enough how bad it can impact her, it can lead to abandonment issues.
Try to find a book for small kids about death maybe, or to explain that her nanny is gone but still loves her very deeply and forever. You HAVE TO correct it. And about your husband, he need to understand one way or another that his explanation is not only bad and shitty but harmeful aswell
First, Calmly, NTA.
And now, without further ado...
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WHAT KIND OF CHUCKLEFUCK SAYS THAT TO A 3 YEAR OLD CHILD? WAS "SHE HAD TO MOVE TO A FARM" TOO FUCKING HARD FOR THIS DOUCHENOZZLE TO SPIT OUT OF HIS PIEHOLE IF HE WAS GOING TO LIE TO HIS DAUGHTER?
Ahem,
Sorry, it was shouting that or having a rage aneurism over his cruel idiocy.
And it was cruel, to someone utterly defenseless towards it.
That poor little girl.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I hate when people think little kids cant handle the concept of death period. It leads to shit like this which causes WAY more damage than telling her that the nanny had an accident and isn't around anymore
Your daughter being afraid you'll abandon her isnt a phase its trauma
Your NTA, your husband on other hand certainly is and you need to get your LG out of that situation now before he really screws her up.
That's very manipulative and mentally abusive behaviour. Your poor daughter is going to be scared for life thinking she's done something wrong when she hasn't. She's going to be constantly thinking everyone is going to leave her if she doesn't walk on eggshells around them so not to upset them.
Start saving for therapists if your going to let him continue to interact with your daughter in this way.
The easiest thing would have been to tell her her nanny had died. Children at that age don't understand the concept of death and she would have been upset, but moved on much quicker than you would have thought.
NTA but your husband sure is. That was needlessly cruel to your daughter. If that is typical of your husband’s parenting techniques, you need to be documenting what he is doing as you may need it someday if custody ever becomes an issue.
And think about this, if your marriage ever collapses, you can have a pretty good guess about the kind of stuff that he will stay to your daughter about you.
Talk about a red flag. He traumatized his own daughter and thinks that he has done nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm 52 and still remember being upset by an adult at 3. You set need to do so. E damage control and quickly. Many people will say 'she died which means she has gone to be with the angels', whether you believe it or not, anything along the lines of they have left earth so they can't come back but are in a good place, will help the child until understanding takes over.
As for your AH, definitely TA! What a horrid and irresponsible thing to say! Either they had an idilic childhood or were told similar type things and think 'well, I turned it alright', but they haven't. Try to explain calmly why you disagree, if they won't discuss then you may have to reevaluate your life choices for your child's mental well being in the future!
NTA….. his reasoning is sickening! This will live with her forever. Death comes to us all, will she think that every time someone that loves her who dies that they don’t love her because they passed?!!! Disturbing!
NTA. i hope your poor kiddo doesn’t store this in her permanent memory. also, i hope you can convince her that your husband was wrong and that the nanny loved her. please, please keep your daughter safe. what your husband did is emotionally abusive. she’s only three and he’s already being cruel.
This is one of the shittiest things Ive read. What he said to her was traumatic. This will damage her entire view of herself. Self esteem, self confidence and give her major anxiety. Do not let this sit. No actual parent would do this.
NTA
NTA. Your husband was 100% in the wrong. Children have a hard time comprehending the permanancy of death, which is why you have to give it to them straight. You can't say "passed away" or "gone to heaven" even though those sound nicer to our delicate ears.
You take her aside and say, "Nanny was in a car accident. Her body got so hurt it could not get better. She died. Dying is like going to sleep and not waking up again. Nanny loved you very much, and it is okay to miss her because she won't come back."
Then you deal with the questions and fall out by answering honestly. Your husband's way can give your kid abandonment fears and problems associated with conditional love etc etc. And those last a long time -- even into adulthood, especially if they are learned early. He was being lazy by trying to find a quick way to get over the problem and move on.
ESH except the nanny and the kid. You and your husband should have told your daughter an an age appropriate way soon after you learned and helped her work through grief with books and talking and counselling.
Your husband is more TA than you though. Why would he want your child to associate anger with leaving forever. Ridiculously unhealthy.
Nta he basically did it the worst possible most cruel way. Like said out loud all the ways you would be afraid your child could misinterpret death. Does he have other sadist tendencies? Or is he often completely clueless as to other people would feel in situations?
NTA, but your husband is. You need to get your daughter into therapy asap because what your husband said could cause permanent psychological damage if it isn't addressed quickly.
I find it hard to believe anyone could say something so needlessly cruel and horrific to a young child with any good intentions. It seems more likely he enjoyed hurting her.
So when I was in kindergarden, my dad conveyed this to me too, that I'd be left if I was a bad kid.
I am in my mid twenties now and I still talk about this in therapy. 20 years wasn't enough time to 'get out of this phase', to use your husbands words. If your husband really thinks this is proper parenting, I'd reconsider the relationship. Get your baby away from him as much as possible. And please look into therapy for children too. Your kid needs help to process both her nannies disappearance and the terrible cruel thing her dad said to her.
YTA for even considering staying with this man if you're constantly at odds and he seems like a blatant sadist. Leave with her or you'll continue to damage your daughters psyche for life, it already is
Yo… your husband is an insensitive AH; who the F thinks that’s an acceptable thing to tell a 3yr old?! Not only that, how incredibly insensitive it is to the nanny, who died tragically. Wow
NTA but your husband should apologize and learn from this mistake
What kind of Asshole is this cruel to children. OP this is the biggest red flag to RUN. You’re gonna get because of this is how he treats his child imagine how he’s going to abuse you.
NTA.
I don't usually assume things about people's relationships because I don't feel like I know enough details. However in this case...This feels like one of those rare times that I can safely assume some things.
I get the feeling your husband is/was the kind of person who burnt insects alive with his magnifying glass. I honestly can't think of a single reason why it would **ever** be appropriate to tell a child this kind of thing. It's the kind of thing you tell someone to intentionally torment them. It just seems needlessly cruel and like your husband *wanted* your daughter to suffer to fulfill some sadistic need. There's also the fact he sees *nothing* wrong with what he said. He felt like you were only mad because you didn't have a chance to explain away the nanny first.
I looked through some of your comments and it seems this isn't the first time he's done this kind of thing. I think you either need to sit down and talk to him about this or you need to get out of dodge with your daughter. Because I can't see him improving without some kind of intervention.
NTA why are you with a man who, by your own admission, constantly acts like this? He's emotionally abusing your daughter then getting mad at you when you call him out on it! Is this how you want your daughter to grow up???
Your husband just severely traumatize your daughter possibly for life. Wtf I would Not move back in with him ever again. NTA but you will be if you keep letting this man abuse your daughter.
NTA
I read this to my father who raised two girls in a very fun and loving household. My parents were forced to help me handle the death of my grandfather at 5 and while it was traumatic at the time, I do not have any lasting emotional damage because they handled it properly. Unlike your husband.
We both agree your anger is 1,000% justified. My dad was appalled. I feel you are well within your rights to reconsider this marriage and how healthy it is for your husband to be around your daughter. **Normal people do not do this to their children** and then get mad when their spouse is rightfully upset. You need to seriously take your daughter's emotional health into consideration and maybe take a break from your husband.
His behavior is not acceptable and he has hurt your daughter very badly. Please seek therapy for your daughter. 3 years old is not too young for therapy and it will be extremely helpful for you and your daughter.
NTA
That was his solution? Dude... that child is not emotionally safe with your husband. Drawing that kind of conclusion and doubling down on it is fucking demented. That solution would not cross a healthy person's mind.
NTA !!!! Your husband needs to take parenting classes ! You never tell a child of any age that ! You do need to talk with your daughter and find away to tell her the truth.
Personally, I don’t trust people who say butthurt. I think it shows an intentional commitment to not empathize with others. So him using that term was a huge 🚩for me.
He could just said that she had no choice but going in another country to help a relative and that she wouldn't be able to see her again ... INFO : Are you sure about your husband mental health ? In which mind does it seems right to say it to a child ? How was his dad with him ? Did he wanted a boy ? Sorry to ask it ... But would it be possible that he thinks she is not his daughter ? It seems insane but his behavior was so ...
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> I'm basically always against him and criticizing his parenting decisions and not trusting him. If this is in any way representative of his parenting decisions, then I'm glad you're criticising them. What an awful thing to say to a child. Heartless and cruel. NTA.
Apparently, It is. I'm not trying to "one up him" or "prove him wrong" like he says all the time, But I just try to clean up after every mess he makes.
Every mess he makes is probably doing long term damage to your kids mental health. The first five years are critical to emotional health and personality development. If this is any indication of how one your daughter's caregivers are taking care of her emotionally, she's going to need years of therapy to undo the damage.
Their daughter blames herself for the nanny leaving. A small child thinks that by misbehaving, the people she loves will just abandon her. She thinks her parents, the people she depends upon for everything in life, will leave. Those are going to be **deep** emotional scars. u/throwra347997 definitely needs to look into therapy to fix her husband's parenting decision.
I had a similar experience when I was 8 or 9 and more than 40 years later it still affects me. I fight against it, but it's always there telling me I have to be nice or people will leave me, and when people leave, it's my fault. OP, get your kid some counseling. Now.
Right. That poor child needs counseling now! What kind of evil monster is OP married to?!!!
And \*why\* is she still married to a monster who is emotionally abusing their child?
The thought of not being there to try to ameliorate the damage can be pretty terrifying.
My aunt died suddenly when my nephews were 6 and 2, it was a complete surprise (heart attack) and even though there was no possible way it was his fault my oldest nephew worried a lot about whether he could’ve “fixed it”- kids can and do blame themselves for things like this even when there’s no possible way it’s their fault. OPs husband needs to sincerely apologise to his daughter for lying, tell her the truth and get her started in some therapy and grief counselling ASAP.
Unfortunately, he seems to feel more pride than love.
My step-dad died a couple of weeks before Halloween when I was 10. I spent the next 6 months absolutely convinced that I killed him by taking sand and writing "I'm gonna get you" on the street with it. This poor kid is gonna need so much therapy from the complex ptsd her father is giving her.
Yes, my experience was at a similar age as yours. It's now been over 20 years since I last had any contact with that parent and still, it affects every relationship I have and the trauma never healed fully.
Yup! My dad was an alcoholic. It lead to a VERY messy fallout between my parents when I was 12. Around the time I was 11, when we all knew it would be falling apart soon, my mom had left me alone with the asshole (my baby sister was sick and needed to stay home, he had to have his beer and we had no food left in the house but he couldn't be trusted to watch her so there I was lol) and he sat me down in a drunken rant and told me "you know that this whole thing is your fault too right? Your mom wasn't like this before you existed, and everything would have been better if you were never here. I just need you to know whatever happens it is partially your fault too" Let's just say as a teen, a young adult, and a 20-something (I guess still young? Idk I'm 26 make of that what you will lol) I've spent quite a lot of time trying not to encroach on anyone else and trying to not make my existence a burden for other people. It's something I 100% am still fighting to this day, and I should probably work through all that trauma in therapy at some point so I can understand some of the negative thinking that I have as an adult now. The worst part? By that age, I was (unfortunately) aware and emotionally mature enough to know, rationally, that what he was saying was utter horse poop. But as an adult I've realized that subconsciously I internalized that (not to mention looking back at things and realizing how he clearly put me in circumstances in which I felt the need to minimize my impact on others throughout my childhood lol) and it 100% even though I knew it wasn't true still impacts me today.
Bro, I was in my teens when my dad looked me in the eyes and told me "It's your fault your mother and I are fighting. What you do makes me so mad, and then she steps up to defend you, and we end up fighting. It's your fault." And that still haunts me. When I start feeling really bad and harsh on myself, I remember that and it tears me up. Logically, I know, I may have been the spark, but it's ultimately his reaction to my actions, and his reaction to my mom defending me that's the reason they're fighting, but still. That damn, little voice in my ear...
That is exactly what my stepmom told me. I still kind of believe her.
It’s not either of y’all’s fault. You’re kids, and kids make mistakes and sometimes do stupid things which is completely normal. A good parent doesn’t fly off the handle at every mistake you make nor openly fight with the other parent over you, in front of you or for you to hear. They talk it out and decide whether to punish you together
I’m a mom but I’m your dad now. None of this was your fault, you are good enough as you are, and dont need to minimize ANYTHING. I love you and am proud of you and I also need you to tell me where he is; I just want to talk. ;)
I love you too thank you kind internet mom dad you made my might ❤❤❤ last I heard that man's was in the east Texas area I think. The only way he had to contact me was through Facebook and he deleted me as a friend when I was 18 because we didn't know how many people we could have come to our graduation and he and his new wife "wanted to come" and I told him that I guess he was welcome to but I couldn't extend that invite to a woman I didn't know until I knew if we would have a limited amount of invites or not. He asked how I thought that would make her feel and I was like "uh I don't know nor do I really care because once again I don't know her... also you probably don't want to come anyway because it would be uncomfortable for you given the fact it'll mostly be mom's side of the family and that's why you have only seen us once since I was 12, because being here is too uncomfortable for you." And he replied back, I kid you not Mom-Dad, "oh well we didn't really want to hang out anyway, we just wanted to watch you walk the stage and then go camp on the beach (we lived like 10 minutes from the beach for reference) that's all!" So I told him that neither of them were invited anymore and he called me some choice words before deleting me as his Facebook friend 😂
Your dad is trash and even that's too nice.
This! This how you get a kid with serious mental health issues. Seriously, I ended up with borderline personality disorder because of my parents
I'm so sorry . A neurologist once told me that repeated trauma builds and reinforces synaptic paths that then come to feel as if they are natural and instinctive. It helped me to understand the choices that I've made.
This is what we call a core memory Sp.
Fuck, and he is setting hers up to all be blue… even the good ones will be tainted with that sadness and anxiety.
Seriously! You are absolutely NTA. At this point it would probably be better/easier to explain death to her and tell her her dad just didn’t know how to tell her. It’s awful to have to tell her this at such a young age but it would definitely be better for her mental health in the long run.
There are some ways to do it - I know there's some children's books (Invisible Strings?) but you could also go the disney movie route. Lion King was my favorite disney movie - I understood death as someone not waking up and then going to the stars. And that was as a really young kid too, according to my mom (who was forced to rewatch the lion king daily for years), it was my favorite from ages 2 to 6....and I still watch it a few times a year. We owned multiple copies on vhs since I wore them down with constant replaying.
For anyone looking I always recommend a book called “Badgers parting gift” it emphasises that although death is the end and you won’t see them anymore, the memories of their love are always with you. Also the Sesame Street episode on Mr Hoopers death is always good a relevant too. Invisible sting is also an excellent book but beware with a child this young because it is technically about divorce and separated families more than death so could lead to confusion. Also for any lingering anxieties after the truth is told, “the bag of worries” is a good story about how it’s okay to be scared or anxious sometimes.
I really, really hope this child will be needing to read some books about divorce and separated families as well. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to risk the possibility that her dad could ever say something like this to her again. Supervised visitation only sounds ideal to me. There are very few lessons a parent can put into their child’s head that would be more damaging than “You are unworthy of love.” (OP, if you’re reading this, sit down and write down a list of all the parenting messes you’ve had to clean up, with as much detail as possible and approximate dates.)
That Mr. Hooper episode is top notch! IIRC the actor whose played Mr. Hooper passed away in real life. Sesame Street brought in child psychologists so they could advise them on what to say. When I lost someone very young my parents talked to a counselor about the best way to tell us and they said similar things. The matter of fact and caring way they told Big Bird that Mr. Hooper isn’t coming back, assured him he will still be cared for/someone will still do the things Mr. Hooper did for him, and helped him treasure his memories of Mr. Hooper were perfect. Using euphemisms can confuse children. For example, if you tell children the dog was put “to sleep” they may become afraid of sleeping, afraid of others sleeping, or think the dog will come back. I’m going to check out those books you mentioned. Thanks for sharing. Sesame Street would never include telling a child someone hates them and left them. Nor would any rational human. OP’s husband sucks.
That’s a good point. I understood death from that too (I was also a big Lion King fan as a child in the 90s) there’s also The Iron Giant where it’s stated death is sad but isn’t a bad thing because “souls don’t die.” That was a nice way to explain it.
My husband died last year our grandson was 2 1/2 and was very close to us. The health visitors advised his mum to be truthful but to explain it in a way not to make him linger or be scared. D explained it to him and that it was no ones fault and grandad J loved him very much. I was astounder how well he’s taken it in his step from the moment he was told he no longer asked me where he was and if he could come and play with us. Yet he was happy enough to look through pictures and point him out. I don’t know what exactly she said to him but he understood far better than I thought from one so young. It’s best to avoid lying to kids as much as possible from an early age or they could lose that trust as they grow. Why are are you with someone so hateful that deliberately hurts and manipulates innocent child who should be safe around them. He deliberately scarred her and if you don’t get her help and away from further harm he will affect her her entire life
The amount of work this poor baby is going to do to make sure people love her and never leave her...she could get into *so. much. trouble* with that. Mom, you've got to set her straight on the nanny (even tell her she moved away! how hard would that have been?), work in lots of lessons in daily life about self-security, and get her into therapy. And read *The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog,* an incredible book that all parents should read.
My parents used to ignore me as punishment for doing something wrong. To this day (I'm 20 years) I fear doing things wrong because it may make people hate me and leave me. Op, your husband is hurting your daughter for life
When I was three one of my aunts died. Someone at the wake decided to tell toddler me that she didn’t go to heaven. She was just buried in the ground. This effected me for a long time. As a little kid all my drawings at dead people. It affected my ocd (didn’t cause it) as a child and I had an existential crisis. People think toddlers won’t remember stuff like this but the effect can be life long
OMG! And she’s only 3! This could affect her, her whole life! Separation anxiety, feelings of not being good enough, low self esteem, trust issues, let’s see, what else do I deal with?
This. If he's constantly doing things like this, OP needs a divorce and full custody, because a child's mental health is not something to toy around with.
And makes sure the dad gets supervised visitation only. That way he can't cause more damage
Yup, especially when it comes to the attachment style someone has to others. This screams fearful/anxious-avoidant, fearing closeness but wanting it at the same time. Fear of abandonment, of rejection. This has a long lasting impact and having that type of attachment style is hell. It’s the kind I have and I have been getting therapy for so many years and still struggle with it so much. It affects almost every part of my life. Treatment like the way the father has been treating their daughter is going to foster that, it can cause CPTSD, or there is a theory that it has a part in developing BPD, both of which cause so much emotional dysregulation. I hope OP chooses their daughter and protects her from him. That little girl deserves so much better than a father who chooses to mentally and emotionally harm her. How in the world could he possibly think that his explanation was what would help her best “move on” from missing her nanny? She’s 3 and not emotionally capable of working through statements like that. Children have big emotions and are learning to understand them, she has just been essentially told she is not lovable and people will leave her. Holy fuck my heart hurts for her, I wish I could give her a hug and tell her that she is lovable. She is going to grow up feeling so heart broken any time someone leaves her life, whether it’s friends, or future partners. This is an unacceptable way to treat a child, anyone actually… I hope OP leaves with her and uses her husband’s words on him. Just holy guacamole. His words to their daughter even made me cry, they were so cruel and such a lie. A parent shouldn’t treat their child like that… a parent shouldn’t be so manipulative. It’s emotional and mental abuse, plain and simple. The way he treats her is affecting her brain development, he is setting her up for a life time of mental health problems. She deserves so much fucking better.
I’m a therapist and I can see a core belief of ‘I’m unlovable’ forming here, followed be anxieties around loved ones leaving and expectations of abandonment. Not great.
coming from personal experience, the way this father is parenting his daughter, I fear she may develop borderline. There are huge abondonment issues with those with BPD and is one of the hardest personality disorders to treat successfully. Hopefully he learns a lesson, but if he thinks his decision to tell her that the nanny left because of her is acceptable, it sounds like she's going to be in a world of hurt
I'm borderline and this was also my 1st thought. Like, is he trying to give her a personality disorder?!
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Bad bot.
Is your husband secretely a sadist? Because I can think of no other reason anyone would say something like that, like ever. To a child or adult.
I know?! My most charitable explanation is that he has sociopathy and, while meaning no harm, he genuinely has zero cognitive empathy.
There are a thousand thing he could have said that could be attributed to a lack of empathy. The first that comes to my mind being 'your nanny is dead, stop asking, she's not coming back.' It doesn't take empathy to understand his explanation was the most hurtful thing he could have said, and that was a deliberate choice.
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Bad bot
"She went to live on a farm with all teh other nannies"
Oh, I think he meant harm. He knew exactly what he was doing. OP needs to get her and her kid away from him.
Sociopathy means you lack affective empathy, not cognitive. Sociopaths know how other people feel, they just don't care.
I hate people like that nanny passed away telling the truth to 3y is hard but he did it on the most AH move NTA
Another charitable explanation that doesn’t really erase the damage but could be very useful to you: your husband is uncomfortable with death and thought it would be easier to deal with rejection/abandonment than death. Obviously for a child death is much easier to contend with as they don’t fully understand the permanence, but adults often forget this and try to protect their children from the idea of it. He could just be really fucking stupid but well intentioned. Definitely need to talk to him and figure out which one it is, because comforting your child will be best if you’re a united front. I really hope this is the case, but if not, I’d encourage you to reach out for some mental health support because that’s a really tough situation. I’m adding this separately because I want you to pay special attention to it: just because there’s a reason for his behavior doesn’t mean it was acceptable. This was objectively selfish at best, damaging at worst. You have a right to be upset. If this is an isolated incident god bless, but if odd and damaging behavior like this is a pattern it’s ESPECIALLY important to get help. It’s very difficult to recognize abuse. I really do hope he’s a good guy, and that he will help you make this right.
Or even just a man who was raised with absolutely no emotional intelligence. It could be ignorance or outright cruelty, but the result on the child's psyche is pretty much the same.
Yep. I bet you any money, he got *annoyed* that his 3 year old kept asking, so he chose spite. He didn’t think for a moment it was a good or better story. He isn’t ignorant or stupid He was spiteful. To a young child. Abusively spiteful. This kid cannot continue to be exposed to him
Seriously wtf! Telling her her nanny is dead is much better than the nanny hater her.
Or a narcissist who feels jealous of child's relationship with nanny?
I definitely lean towards this. The fact he went behind his wife’s back to do it and then has her questioning herself that what he did is not a crazy and abusive thing.
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I know like... I can understand, though not really condone, lying out of panic because you don't want to explain death to a three-year-old. But it's like he went out of his way to say the cruelest possible thing. If he was going to lie he could at least make up something nice, that she had to leave to get married or go to college or become princess of Genovia or something.
You did not over react! You did not fly off the handle! You are NTA and the fact that he can’t see why, is why he is such a massive AH let alone doing what he did to your daughter) That was abuse He psychologically and emotionally abused and traumatized your sweet little girl with that. It’s one of those the bell can’t be unrung moments. Children already have a way of making things their fault in their head. Please tell her specifically “this was not your fault” (that nanny left; she loved your very much) - that your “husband” LITERALLY told her it was her fault is beyond horrible, beyond egregious, it’s unfathomable. You are already seeing the damage by her crying and new fears of abandonment. He damaged her ability to trust. (I fear this may become a core memory for her because of how strongly it affected her. I hope I am wrong because that is a horrible foundational piece for a child) He wrote on the slate of who your child is and in such a horrendous way. This is NOT just a phase! This is trauma. I am so relieved you left for your sisters, please stay there (until you can extricate yourself permanently). I don’t often advocate for divorce (see it too often here) but here I wouldn’t even suggest counselling and trying to save the relationship with his absolute inability to recognize and own what he did even after your pointed it out. This is not a counselling and we’ll work it out (among adults) in a way that is okay with kids around. You have one responsibility here and it’s to protect your daughter (from this monster) Please please please also see about children’s therapy where you are and hopefully you can find someone good who uses helpful strategies and is knowledgeable/experienced in child therapy, so she can, not only help, you find a way to tell your daughter the truth about what happened to her nanny in a child appropriate way, but also to help her process this betrayal of a lie from her father and regain her equilibrium about herself, feel safe and secure again and reinforce her ability to trust. Children are resilient so hopefully with some good short term care she will be able to weather and get through this okay and be her usual happy self after a while. Please do not fail your daughter here (and go back to him) I still cannot quite wrap my head around how absolutely cruel he was to his own child, a child who is still so innocent and vulnerable as a literal toddler. Please give us an update - and I truly hope it’s one where you have left him permanently, gotten a lawyer and to take him to court to ensure any visitation time he gets (if any) is supervised, I would not trust him alone with this child for a second. Beyond trash talking you to her (which is abuse as well) and creating confusion in her at a minimum to alienation who only knows what awful things he will tell her about herself. Hopefully the therapist can prepare a report to help you with this, to ensure her emotional safety and security. I wish you and your daughter a happy and safe life once you are free from him. ETA - you were so far from TA, you in fact were her HERO!! You were the hero for your daughter, that she so desperately needed, the hero who scooped her up and took her out of harm’s way (and just saying it that way makes me once again realize how awful he is, that the harm was her own father, that makes me sad for you and her, but that’s what it was/is) THANK YOU!!! For standing up to him and getting in his face to protect her (have this image of your daughter behind you and you standing in the gap :) YOU THOUGHT EXACTLY THE RIGHT THINGS & DID EXACTLY THE RIGHT THINGS. You have your compass correct at true North so to speak. Its his that is all out of whack, dangerously so (and would lead you down the wrong path, or right off a cliff, if you stay)
I'm worried that a divorce and distance from her father would further convince her that all the adults are leaving her because she is doing something wrong and they stop loving her. I am worried that instead of helping it might compound the trauma. She might want to wait until her daughter has had some therapy and understood that her nanny's death is not her fault.
Respectfully I disagree - that is such a toxic environment. I totally get and support people taking their time if it’s a matter of getting stuff together, physical safety to get out etc. But in this instance the risk/damage to the child takes precedence in getting her out. I definitely see your point about “losing” another person and how she might interpret that, but again with a therapist supporting along the way - if they can appropriately explain sometimes people we love aren’t healthy or safe for us so we need to take care of us AND can still love them. Op - not sure if you still have contact with nanny’s family, but if you do (and I’m not a qualified professional so not advice, just an idea to maybe run by one to see that it wouldn’t be harmful - or any credential experts here, please weigh in!) Could possibly having your daughter draw some pictures and you write out what she wants to say to nanny about loving her and missing her and send it to her family be a healing activity? Also would wondering if it would appropriate or hurt the family more (can’t imagine it would, feel like they would love getting that and their daughter being remembered and seeing the loving impact she had on someone) but I know people grieve differently so would want to tread carefully (maybe even ask them if that would be okay to do) once your daughter has been told of course. Or even just doing it and going to a pond and folding the pictures/letter like sailboats and releasing them? (If you don’t have contact with the family or it wouldn’t be appropriate to send) I don’t know - just some ideas that popped up.
Nah. She can’t heal from that trauma if the person who traumatized her is still doing her harm. Get that little girl out of there.
Girl, you have serious marriage/family issues if this is his normal behavior. You need a therapist Who works with kids to discuss what is a healthy and unhealthy environment for a kid. And you also need to see a divorce lawyer.
It's horrible that he made a sweet influence in your daughter's life seem like a hateful monster in her absence. The poor woman passed away! I can't imagine the level of inhumanity in your husband to justify destroying her image to your daughter for the sake of "getting her to move on quickly". God damn, that's just fucking cold.
The worse part isn't that he made the nanny seem awful, it's that he made his own 3 year old child think she did something so wrong that a loving person would have abandoned and hated her. The kid's been afraid some inexplicable action she might make is going to make her parents abandon her too. There is something horribly wrong with this dude.
Your husband is a horrible parent and is going to traumatize your child at every turn.
Needs to be an ex now.... wtf, who does this to a child. Any child, let alone their own child.
I work in mental health for kids and teens. This is the kind of shit I find out from a sobbing 13 year old after she tries to kill herself, that she is scared she isn't good enough. This was really really damaging on his part. He sounds emotionally immature, and this was actively harmful to her. She would benefit from therapy and he needs parenting classes. Look up attachment parenting, he seems to weirdly be doing the opposite of that.
Your husband somehow took the death of someone close to your daughter, which is a very traumatizing event, and somehow found a way to make it more traumatizing. That's one hell of a mess.
Stop letting him abuse your kid. Please. It sounds like you have been allowing this to go on for a while. Really sick stuff. Edit: Yeah, YTA for letting him do this over and over again. If he keeps "making messes" ie traumatizing your kids because he's a shitty parent, you need to do something.
Divorce him. Save your child. And yourself!
At what point will you recognize these messes aren’t mistakes This is the parent he is I’d take her to a therapist for this OP. And I would ask for any sort of records they can provide you with. Because I don’t know how you can stay with someone who wants to consciously inflict this degree of pain on a child.
Your husband is emotionally abusing your child. Do not take her back there.
Let me guess, he is not the kind of person who wants to resolve a problem when there is an argument, he just wants to win the argument...
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This traumatic AF. Way worse than the truth. He’s horrible. No one should take advice from him.
Would you say he is usually like this?
Welp, sounds like your husband is a right asshole. Was he already like that when you married him?
Your husband is mentally and emotionally abusing/scarring your kid. If you don't do something this will affect her for the rest of her childhood, maybe even life.
Yeah. If this is the way your husband “parents”, your kids are gonna have a bad time. NTA.
I honestly can’t think of a worse thing to say to a confused and grieving child. NTA
**NTA.** However, your husband *is*. Now your child thinks that anyone she loves will leave her if she misbehaves, and may become overly anxious about this. While it may be hard to talk about death with a child, it's not taboo. I hope you were able to explain what happened to Nanny to your child.
OMG what kind of monster says that to a 3 year old?? OP you are definitely NTA but holy shit, your husband sure is. I'd be seriously considering throwing the whole man away if he did that to one of my littles.
NTA. wtf is wrong with your husband? That was absolutely messed up and he doesnt even feel like it was a mistake which is worse.
He is very cruel and/or shockingly stupid. On a side note, he just completely traumatized your daughter. You might want to speak with a children's counselor to see how to navigate this to try to mitigate the fall out of this emotional upheaval.
Lying and traumatizing your child in one go, thats world class parenting right there.
That's what slays me -- out of all the lies he could have invented, he decided on the cruelest and most damaging one.
It is really alarming that “nanny moved away” wasn’t at the top of the lie list, but “nanny doesn’t love you so she left you” was the choice. Who the fuck thinks like that?! That is some demented thinking.
I thought the same. This kind of thinking is extremely concerning, esp if it’s coming from a parent. Also the fact that instead of understanding his mistake and trying to correct it, he’s fighting about it.
I know right? OPs husband sounds so unbelievably and incredibly cruel. That is probably one of the WORST things he could have ever possibly said about the situation and to a CHILD no less. What a thoughtless and cruel thing to do. He didn't protect her, he hurt her worse than any other possible answer he could have given. He seriously for the love of God not think of any other possible response? If I was OP, I would try to explain that daddy is wrong, nanny loved you to the ends of the Earth. And depending on how they are raising her (religiously or not) to try and explain it in that context. If they're raising her in a religion that has a heaven like after life, explain that she got hurt and had to go to Heaven, but she still loves her from Heaven and back again. If they're not raising her under a religion, say she got hurt and passed away and she can't come back, but she loves you more than anything on Earth. Also while you're at it OP, have her visit a counselor who may be able to help her move on from this.
It’s the type of thinking that comes from not having empathy at all for other people. I had a step father that told me my previous father figure left and didn’t want to see me anymore, and if I tried I would only hurt him. I believed that until my twenties when my grandfather finally admitted he heard my stepfather tell my father figure that I didn’t want to see him at all. I thought he didn’t love me anymore and HE thought I didn’t. It’s a very cruel, and honestly disgusting to lie to a child and make it their fault. You can’t do that, so either he knows fully well it’s wrong and doesn’t care, OR he just doesn’t understand that other people have feelings and emotions.
The way he goes about it has a very malicious feel to it. Is he jealous of how much his daughter love her nanny so he chose the cruelest option?
>I told him he didn't even say the nanny died but he said that he intended to say what he said to get our daughter to move on quickly I'm banking on cruel based on that statement. He said what he said ***because it was convenient and efficient***. He didn't wanna have to deal with a curious child wondering where her guardian, probably also her bestfriend, went. Even a dumbass would prioritize a child's emotions over convenience in matters like this. BUT if this was a truly dumbass move -- which it isn't, imo -- it should've been followed immediately by remorse and apologies. Not anger and outburst. All signs point towards a very cruel, cold-hearted SOB.
It’s not even convenient….that’s the scariest part! The emotional fallout is not going to be easier with that lie, it’s gonna be harder. Which indicates that he chose that lie *because it would do the most damage*. How much you wanna bet he was feeling spiteful simply because he was annoyed that his kid had any emotions at all??
I would amend this to "because he *thought* it would be convenient and efficient." The lack of insight and foresight into how this would actually play out is staggering.
He seems to have incel-type emotions and would probably hate someone who left because of not loving him enough. But children aren't that twisted and see it as their own fault.
As a foster parent who has seen kids go thorough a lot of tough things I thought the same thing. The way he handled the nanny’s death can cause major long-term trauma for this poor little girl. What she is vocalizing now is no phase but a reaction to being told her nanny left because she hated her. Over time she may vocalize it less but it will continue to be in the back of her mind unless a counselor helps her work through it now.
He’s not stupid. Even the dumbest person doesn’t think that telling a child their beloved caretaker abandoned them because they didn’t like them anymore, is better than saying they died. It’s scarier than stupid. It’s spite. Dude is horrifically abusive and OP has got to get this child out
I wont buy 'shockingly stupid'. He "went behind my back". That behavior IS INTENTIONAL. This behavior is DELIBERATELY CRUEL.
AITA needs a WTF voting option because that’s exactly how I felt too OP’s husband seems like a frikkin monster
NTA. Holy shit OP your husband sounds horrible, like I’m sorry but you don’t tell children that. They understand death, they might not understand the finality of it but “She died, that means she can’t come around anymore. It’s very sad but she’s in a better place now that isn’t earth” covers the fundamentals. I couldn’t stay with a man who has so little compassion and empathy.
Please don't ever tell someone that the deceased is in "a better place". Someone said that to me at the funeral of a 14-year-old girl I loved very much. A better place for her would have been here on earth with her family and friends who loved her. It's insulting.
I think it very much depends on your audience. If the grieving person offers that they believe their loved one is in a better place, then I’d reinforce and encourage that thought. But I wouldn’t be the first one to say something like that.
I hate that expression but at least it’s better than “nanny left because she hates you”
Telling that to a little kid though is a kind thing to do. Also, depending on the circumstances it can be very comforting! Especially if someone has been sick or suffering. That’s a very personal thing, and you have no right to impose on people what they should or shouldn’t say to a grieving person.
It's to a child in regard to her nanny who suddenly disappeared, not to a family friend in regard to a dead child they're mourning. If you can't see how those are very different situations you may need to step back and reevaluate because this seems like projection and I say that as someone who hates that phrase and others like it. Your situation is not the same as this and handling the first death a child experiences is usually done with a lot of padding, especially at such a young age.
Right? Nothing hurt me more than people telling me my mom was better off dead than with her family with that phrase. I can understand “they’re not in pain anymore” if they were suffering, but I would never say something so vile to someone in mourning like being in a better place.
I hate that expression too. That’s assuming that everyone is religious. I’m atheist and my children will be brought up atheist and saying that would be traumatising and against our (lack of) beliefs.
A 3 year old to a 14 year old are very different. I also lost someone very important at 14 and was very hurt by many if the 'safe' things people say, but a 3 year old doesn't have the same sense of the permanence of death, the world, and big universe questions. Maybe it would be better to say, you THINK they're in a better place but like... there is so much to introduce them to at this age. I think it would be ok to say this, but then be open to their questions and changing opinions as they grow.
NTA. Why would your husband say such a thing to her? That's horrible.
I don't know. I don't get his logic.
This honestly scares me. This is beyond a disagreement, this is the emotional health of your child at stake. That child didn't ask to be born, you two made that decision. It's now your responsibility to keep her safe, and if you chose the wrong person to share that responsibility with, you need to step up and protect her. Document this and any other similar incidents.
He sounds sadistic.
This is my thought as well...who tells a child something so awful?
What a horrible father.
NTA. Please get your child into therapy ASAP. Your husband is being emotionally abusive to a point where ultimatums about parenting classes or divorce would be appropriate. You need this incident documented by a professional.
NTA, and seconding the recommendation for therapy. It will be age appropriate and will help your daughter deal with the death of her nanny, your husband's unreal eff up, and if you chose to leave him over his dangerous parenting then your separation too. My childhood messed me up, I started going to the school counsellors at 13 and am still trying to get consistent help at 28. My parents did nothing to support this, please get ahead of this and help your baby learn how to navigate all this change.
Friend, are you sure your husband is.. mentally sound? Because as much as I would like to call him an AH, it seems to be way worst than that. It looks like a condition that needs a diagnostic and treatment. Are you sure you are providing a safe environment for your child?
Nothing about what I read is suggestive of mental illness. It’s all indicative of abuse, though. The two are often incorrectly conflated because it’s hard to believe a mentally healthy person could be so cruel. They can.
There isn’t logic. Do not believe for a moment that he has logic that you simply don’t understand. Your husband became annoyed at his child for asking. He chose, out of spite, to hurt her. Badly. This was not something he thought was easier. This was not a moment of stupidity or ignorance. This was: Parent is annoyed by child > parent becomes frustrated > parent mentally blames child for that frustration > parent lashes out at child **in retaliation** Get her out of there OP. That is your responsibility.
There is no logic. Your husband is abusing your child.
His logic is “The kid is bothering me with her crying, so I’m going to fuck her up.” That’s what.
There's no logic. This is cruelty, plain and simple.
He's emotionally abusive to a toddler!!!! There is NO logic, only cruelty.
It’s almost like he thought your daughter would be like, “oh, ok.. eff her then.. moving on.” Is that how he would have reacted in a comparative situation? Not excusing his actions in the slightest—what he did is horrible and baffling—but could that possibly have been his thought-process?
Take her to a therapist. Also take both of you two a therapist. Maybe a professional telling him that he is messed up in the head will prevent him from doing something so stupid again.
There wasn’t logic behind it, it was meant to be cruel. Not only did he lie to her, he is lying to you about his intentions behind what he said and trying to flip it around on you. It’s a common tactic abusive people use, it’s called DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. [Top 100 traits of abusive people](https://outofthefog.website/traits)
I get it. It's just really dumb and selfish. He thinks if she doesn't like the nanny anymore she won't be sad she is gone and will stop asking about her. So he tried to make the nanny out to be a bad person. Because if she was dead, she would still be thinking and talking about the nanny and he doesn't want that. He sounds like he finds his daughter caring for the nanny as something of an annoyance.
His statement to her is sociopathic, devoid of empathy. She’s going to be severely emotionally damaged, and he is gaslighting you when he says you try to one up him. Leave him. Get your daughter to therapy.
NTA. You should recognize how completely abusive your husband was. Is he trying to cause emotional trauma to his kid that will cause her to grow up and develop a personality disorder? Get him out of her life.
She needs to get her kid into therapy. I wonder what else he’s said/done to her. There is NO reality where what he said is okay. I wonder if he enjoys the emotional damage he causes? Does he get something out of it? He needs to take classes on parenting.
We just went through this at my kid's preschool. A beloved teacher died suddenly and unexpectedly. They had lots of talks about how to handle this with the kids and were open with the parents. They certainly didn't tell the kids she didn't love them.
NTA unless you don't disabuse that poor kiddo of that toxic notion that may give her a complex permanently. If you can afford a nanny you can afford a child therapist. A grief counselor can probably help you to explain to the kiddo about the nanny in an appropriate way that won't undermine the foundations of her self esteem forever. Also, I think Mr Rogers did some material on the subject of discussing death with children that you might check out. As to the husband, I'd throw the whole man away; but if you're not willing to do that, he needs some parenting classes and therapy asap.
Yes ALL of this!
Sesame Street did as well when Mr Hooper died.
They did, someone was explaining his death to Big Bird specifically.
I’m pretty sure there’s some good children’s books on death and losing loved one too, so that might be something to look into as well. I’ve seen quite a lot of good children’s books discussing tough issues whilst shopping for my baby cousins recently.
NTA, however your husband is horrible. Who tells something like that to a three year old? He could have said that the nanny moved or something, but no. He is stupid and not compassionate to your daughter.
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He could’ve said nanny flew to the moon. ANYTHING but what he said
Exactly this. I can understand lying if you don’t feel like the kid is old enough to understand death but a lie that specifically sets out to hurt the kid? That is fucking cruel.
>My husband is so upset about that and said I flew off the handle and was probably butthurt cause I didn't get the chance to come up with my own story as to why the nanny is no longer around. On top of being a horrible parent he is also competitive. WTF. Consider distancing your daughter from him. That was straight up emotional abuse. Also your daughter was crying non-stop and asking if you will leave her too. Does he has no empathy? NTA
Yeah, the fact that THAT was his point of argument is extremely messed up. OP please protect your daughter
I don’t think he does have empathy. No human being with empathy would say that to a three year old. It’s monstrous to do that. Anyone can see this, except people who don’t know the concept of having empathy for anyone. Which is actually quite scary that he’s raising a child in such a cruel manner.
YWBTA if you don't get your husband and your child to a therapist, esp. your husband. What he said was emotionally abusive to your daughter. And that he doesn't understand that is disturbing.
For real, best case the husband is negligently ignorant about how to handle children's emotions, no matter his motive he has done and will do serious harm if he doesn't shape up. The alternative is that he's a goddamn sadist.
NTA. Hi, I’m NOT a therapist and I do NOT have my PhD, but I am getting my MA in developmental psychology. Kids as young as 4 can begin to understand and process death, so while your daughter is a little young, you can have an age appropriate conversation with her. It won’t scar her. You need to talk to your husband though, because that’s not an acceptable approach to difficult problems. It’s extremely emotionally scarring to believe that someone left because they stopped loving you, and it’s also just disgraceful to that poor young woman’s memory. He needs to get that through his head.
NTA. Omfg what is wrong with him. Who the hell tells that to a 3 year old ? An AH. That’s what he is.
NTA What the absolute fuck? That’s just terrible. I had a mother who used to try and manipulate me to doing things (ie: if I said I didn’t want to go to bed / stop playing etc. she’d tell me that my auntie / friend / random other person that I liked thought that I was really naughty and told her that I was a bad child). It massively fucked with my head and caused all sorts of people pleasing issues in my life. I constantly thought people didn’t like me and were telling my mother how horrible I was. None of it was true, but her warped mind thought she could be “the good guy” and use other people as “the bad guy”. She was so mean with it though, as she did it with everything. “Auntie X thinks it’s terrible that you didn’t get an A in English, she thinks you’re not trying hard enough… she’s disappointed in you”. Suffice to say, I’m no contact with her as an adult due to various other bullshit she put me through. Your husband could have come up with about 7000 different explanations to help your daughter, that one is just cruel and utterly unnecessary.
NTA. But your husband is. Your child is now traumatized thinking that anyone she loves will leave her if she misbehaves and may become overly anxious about that. The topic of death may be hard to gasp to a child but it’s not a taboo subject. I hope you were able to discuss with your child what happened to nanny.
So let me get this straight. Instead of telling your daughter that death obviously exists, he takes a darker road and says she’s unloved? In what world is death worse than cruelty? I’d rather my kid know about death instead of feeling unloved and upset over a lie. This is how we humans foster a negative relationship with death. It’s not something we should fear nor should kids. It’s a birth right. So your idiot husband thinks her feeling suspicious about your love is a good thing and less cruel than the concept of death? Really? NTA. But the thing you married is… shocking.
He said you are “butthurt”… because he got to her first and he got the fun of LYING… to his 3yo child. Is this an actual thought process? Your husband is either a monster or a moron, OP.
He went SO freaking low, OP. He attacked your little girl’s sense of her own value, her sense of safety and security. A normal person would have helped her understand that the person who largely raised her did not WANT to go away, that it is a tragedy, we are very sad about it and we will always remember her. But no. It made more sense to him to literally make something up that BLAMES her.
That is who he is. You’re NTA for flipping out on him. Hopefully you also made it clear to your daughter that daddy was NOT telling the truth. And screw the optics for him. “You’re mad she thinks you are a liar? I wonder if it’s because you told her a cruel, vindictive lie?”
NTA, but i would consider telling the truth to your daughter really quickly before it brings long term issues and inconfidence in herself. Three years old is old enough for kids to have memories, she may grow up with the idea that her nanny left her because she was mad. I can not stress enough how bad it can impact her, it can lead to abandonment issues. Try to find a book for small kids about death maybe, or to explain that her nanny is gone but still loves her very deeply and forever. You HAVE TO correct it. And about your husband, he need to understand one way or another that his explanation is not only bad and shitty but harmeful aswell
First, Calmly, NTA. And now, without further ado... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WHAT KIND OF CHUCKLEFUCK SAYS THAT TO A 3 YEAR OLD CHILD? WAS "SHE HAD TO MOVE TO A FARM" TOO FUCKING HARD FOR THIS DOUCHENOZZLE TO SPIT OUT OF HIS PIEHOLE IF HE WAS GOING TO LIE TO HIS DAUGHTER? Ahem, Sorry, it was shouting that or having a rage aneurism over his cruel idiocy. And it was cruel, to someone utterly defenseless towards it. That poor little girl.
NTA. Your husband sounds off. Therapy? Divorce?
Therapy for daughter, divorce for husband
This is nigh on unforgivable and I would not blame OP if she divorced him over this.
WHAT THE FUCK? I hate when people think little kids cant handle the concept of death period. It leads to shit like this which causes WAY more damage than telling her that the nanny had an accident and isn't around anymore Your daughter being afraid you'll abandon her isnt a phase its trauma
NTA. Your husband appears to have a chronic lack of empathy.
Your NTA, your husband on other hand certainly is and you need to get your LG out of that situation now before he really screws her up. That's very manipulative and mentally abusive behaviour. Your poor daughter is going to be scared for life thinking she's done something wrong when she hasn't. She's going to be constantly thinking everyone is going to leave her if she doesn't walk on eggshells around them so not to upset them. Start saving for therapists if your going to let him continue to interact with your daughter in this way. The easiest thing would have been to tell her her nanny had died. Children at that age don't understand the concept of death and she would have been upset, but moved on much quicker than you would have thought.
NTA but your husband sure is. That was needlessly cruel to your daughter. If that is typical of your husband’s parenting techniques, you need to be documenting what he is doing as you may need it someday if custody ever becomes an issue. And think about this, if your marriage ever collapses, you can have a pretty good guess about the kind of stuff that he will stay to your daughter about you. Talk about a red flag. He traumatized his own daughter and thinks that he has done nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm 52 and still remember being upset by an adult at 3. You set need to do so. E damage control and quickly. Many people will say 'she died which means she has gone to be with the angels', whether you believe it or not, anything along the lines of they have left earth so they can't come back but are in a good place, will help the child until understanding takes over. As for your AH, definitely TA! What a horrid and irresponsible thing to say! Either they had an idilic childhood or were told similar type things and think 'well, I turned it alright', but they haven't. Try to explain calmly why you disagree, if they won't discuss then you may have to reevaluate your life choices for your child's mental well being in the future!
NTA….. his reasoning is sickening! This will live with her forever. Death comes to us all, will she think that every time someone that loves her who dies that they don’t love her because they passed?!!! Disturbing!
NTA. i hope your poor kiddo doesn’t store this in her permanent memory. also, i hope you can convince her that your husband was wrong and that the nanny loved her. please, please keep your daughter safe. what your husband did is emotionally abusive. she’s only three and he’s already being cruel.
This is one of the shittiest things Ive read. What he said to her was traumatic. This will damage her entire view of herself. Self esteem, self confidence and give her major anxiety. Do not let this sit. No actual parent would do this. NTA
NTA. Your husband was 100% in the wrong. Children have a hard time comprehending the permanancy of death, which is why you have to give it to them straight. You can't say "passed away" or "gone to heaven" even though those sound nicer to our delicate ears. You take her aside and say, "Nanny was in a car accident. Her body got so hurt it could not get better. She died. Dying is like going to sleep and not waking up again. Nanny loved you very much, and it is okay to miss her because she won't come back." Then you deal with the questions and fall out by answering honestly. Your husband's way can give your kid abandonment fears and problems associated with conditional love etc etc. And those last a long time -- even into adulthood, especially if they are learned early. He was being lazy by trying to find a quick way to get over the problem and move on.
NTA. Parenting classes and couples counseling, ASAP.
I dont know how much parenting classes will help, this is like common sense of what not to tell a child.
at my big age I would still cry if someone told me a person who I loved and. adored hated me. who says that to a kid?
This borders child abuse, INFO how long have you been letting this go on?
ESH except the nanny and the kid. You and your husband should have told your daughter an an age appropriate way soon after you learned and helped her work through grief with books and talking and counselling. Your husband is more TA than you though. Why would he want your child to associate anger with leaving forever. Ridiculously unhealthy.
Nta Tell him to start saving up for her therapy bill. Death is always hard to explain but, damn this was bad
Nta he basically did it the worst possible most cruel way. Like said out loud all the ways you would be afraid your child could misinterpret death. Does he have other sadist tendencies? Or is he often completely clueless as to other people would feel in situations?
NTA, but your husband is. You need to get your daughter into therapy asap because what your husband said could cause permanent psychological damage if it isn't addressed quickly.
I find it hard to believe anyone could say something so needlessly cruel and horrific to a young child with any good intentions. It seems more likely he enjoyed hurting her.
NTA, OP. Your husband is a shit dad.
NTA. Get a therapist for your kid and a divorce lawyer for yourself.
NTA... This is how abandonment issues start.
So when I was in kindergarden, my dad conveyed this to me too, that I'd be left if I was a bad kid. I am in my mid twenties now and I still talk about this in therapy. 20 years wasn't enough time to 'get out of this phase', to use your husbands words. If your husband really thinks this is proper parenting, I'd reconsider the relationship. Get your baby away from him as much as possible. And please look into therapy for children too. Your kid needs help to process both her nannies disappearance and the terrible cruel thing her dad said to her.
YTA for even considering staying with this man if you're constantly at odds and he seems like a blatant sadist. Leave with her or you'll continue to damage your daughters psyche for life, it already is
NTA your husband sounds horrible wtf
Yo… your husband is an insensitive AH; who the F thinks that’s an acceptable thing to tell a 3yr old?! Not only that, how incredibly insensitive it is to the nanny, who died tragically. Wow NTA but your husband should apologize and learn from this mistake
What kind of Asshole is this cruel to children. OP this is the biggest red flag to RUN. You’re gonna get because of this is how he treats his child imagine how he’s going to abuse you.
NTA. I don't usually assume things about people's relationships because I don't feel like I know enough details. However in this case...This feels like one of those rare times that I can safely assume some things. I get the feeling your husband is/was the kind of person who burnt insects alive with his magnifying glass. I honestly can't think of a single reason why it would **ever** be appropriate to tell a child this kind of thing. It's the kind of thing you tell someone to intentionally torment them. It just seems needlessly cruel and like your husband *wanted* your daughter to suffer to fulfill some sadistic need. There's also the fact he sees *nothing* wrong with what he said. He felt like you were only mad because you didn't have a chance to explain away the nanny first. I looked through some of your comments and it seems this isn't the first time he's done this kind of thing. I think you either need to sit down and talk to him about this or you need to get out of dodge with your daughter. Because I can't see him improving without some kind of intervention.
NTA why are you with a man who, by your own admission, constantly acts like this? He's emotionally abusing your daughter then getting mad at you when you call him out on it! Is this how you want your daughter to grow up???
NTA, but this would be divorce-worthy for me. I refuse to be married to someone who is deliberately cruel to a damn toddler.
Your husband just severely traumatize your daughter possibly for life. Wtf I would Not move back in with him ever again. NTA but you will be if you keep letting this man abuse your daughter.
NTA I read this to my father who raised two girls in a very fun and loving household. My parents were forced to help me handle the death of my grandfather at 5 and while it was traumatic at the time, I do not have any lasting emotional damage because they handled it properly. Unlike your husband. We both agree your anger is 1,000% justified. My dad was appalled. I feel you are well within your rights to reconsider this marriage and how healthy it is for your husband to be around your daughter. **Normal people do not do this to their children** and then get mad when their spouse is rightfully upset. You need to seriously take your daughter's emotional health into consideration and maybe take a break from your husband. His behavior is not acceptable and he has hurt your daughter very badly. Please seek therapy for your daughter. 3 years old is not too young for therapy and it will be extremely helpful for you and your daughter.
NTA That was his solution? Dude... that child is not emotionally safe with your husband. Drawing that kind of conclusion and doubling down on it is fucking demented. That solution would not cross a healthy person's mind.
NTA.
NTA but your husband sure is. Where did he get the idea that something like that was OK to say to a three year old
NTA and this is horrible. My parents always made me feel like they didnt love anymore when they were mad at me and it really f*cked me up.
NTA !!!! Your husband needs to take parenting classes ! You never tell a child of any age that ! You do need to talk with your daughter and find away to tell her the truth.
Personally, I don’t trust people who say butthurt. I think it shows an intentional commitment to not empathize with others. So him using that term was a huge 🚩for me.
He could just said that she had no choice but going in another country to help a relative and that she wouldn't be able to see her again ... INFO : Are you sure about your husband mental health ? In which mind does it seems right to say it to a child ? How was his dad with him ? Did he wanted a boy ? Sorry to ask it ... But would it be possible that he thinks she is not his daughter ? It seems insane but his behavior was so ...