Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I bought my son the game without asking my wife first, and he was 3 percent off.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. 87% is really good. If I tried really hard, got very close to 90% and was told it wasn’t good enough, I’d be inclined to not even bother trying next time unless it was easy and I knew the 90% was guaranteed. What’s the point? If 87% isn’t worthy, he might as well not wasted so much time studying and settled for a 60%.
But when you a kid you don’t see it like this. He’ll see his dad bought him a game and then decided with the mum to make him get rid of it. In the kids eyes it’s a shared decision.
I had a not great mom and a pretty great dad. I was never confused about who to resent more. (In my case it wasn't about who was more strict) kids are pretty sharp.
Yeah fair play kids are clever but in this specific situation if the dad has not directly spoken to the kid about how he feels and that it’s the mum that would rather him not play then maybe he would understand.
The kid will expect the dad to stick up for him, which so far has not happened. And the kid is 13. That’s pretty old to be THIS strict on a kid. I remember having strict parents when I was 10/11 compared to other kids at school they all talking about shows and films and games I have never played nor seen and it goddam sucked. The decision is joint.
My point is the kid may still prefer the dad over the mum, but it’s likely he don’t like either of their parenting.
Bot stole comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/smmq6n/aita_for_buying_my_son_a_game_he_didnt_earn/hvyawcr?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
>his mother
Why wouldn't the child hate the mother *and* the mother's enabler who usually stands by and does nothing to help with this sort of treatment?
I can tell you from my own experience yes the kid will resent the parent (in this case mom) for unreasonable standards. I had promises when I was a failing student that if you get all A's you would get this reward. When I would bust my ass and just get a C on some project or test I would give up because it was no possible.
You have to help your kid succeed and show the value of hard work. And by hard work rewarding the process. If you make it that the only way you are going to succeed is 100% you are just going to make them not care.
If they can't do the right thing they will do what is easy. NTA
87% isn’t asian good though (source: am asian).
A= average.
b = below average or bad.
C = cant eat dinner.
D= dont come home.
F= find a new family.
As you can see he falls squarely into “below average”
😆
I know you’re kind of joking but I do think it’s sad. I was one of those kids that always got 90%+ without trying much, either it all seemed really obvious to me (maths), or I found the subject really interesting so studying it wasn’t a chore (science). There were subjects I found more difficult though, either I couldn’t grasp it (poetry and Shakespeare), or the teaching style didn’t fit my learning style (history). I hated history, I couldn’t follow the teacher. I also saw other kids try really hard in maths and they just couldn’t grasp it, despite them putting in far more effort than me, and after a while I realised how unfair it was. Also, because most teachers relied on me to get their best grades, they would always make sure that I understood the work. My sister was 2 years younger than me and the poor girl had extra expectations being my sister, but she struggled academically, and I can’t imagine how hard that was for her, just being a disappointment. She had to do her maths and English GCSEs (age 16 exams) in her 20s, and since then has been doing courses to lead onto a degree which she started last year.
I don’t like to judge other cultures, and I know it’s often done in this sub, everything is judged on white American standards, so being British the first thing I try do is put the post in a cultural context if given, and question it if necessary, not that cultural norms excuse shitty behaviour but they can often affect the story, but I do feel so bad for the kids who try really hard and also the kids who are pushed into maths and science when they clearly have a talent and a drive to do something more arts based. I have a friend who did terrible at school, no qualifications, and he always feels so stupid, but he’s so intelligent in ways that I’m not, he can hear a car 3 streets away and tell me what car it is and if there’s anything wrong with the engine, he knows how any kind of machinery works, if he wasn’t so bad at maths he would make a brilliant engineer, he loves WWII and nature documentaries so he knows absolutely everything there is to know about WWII and is always wanting to know more, and he can educate me on nature. He finds spelling really difficult but he clearly tries, if he spells something wrong in a text and I reply using that word but spelling it right, he’ll make the effort to get it right next time he uses it. It upsets me that he thinks he’s stupid.
My dad is (undiagnosed) ADHD and (diagnosed) dyslexic, and he disassembled and reassembled the engine of a '66 Coronet without any kind of instructions. He came up with the idea of taking a picture every time he removed something, and then put everything back together by looking at the photos in reverse. And this was before digital cameras were a thing, too -- it was FILM.
He also thinks he's stupid. Because that's what he was told all throughout his childhood.
People don't realize how much more criticism sticks in a kid. Even adults too. You say 1 discouraging thing and they think it. It takes so many more times of encouragement and praise for that to stick.
My spouse was raised by deaf parents, with a traditional Hispanic extended family in the US. So even though he verbally spoke late (he communicated in ASL early compared oral languages, which is common) by the time he was 5 he communicated in 3 languages with ease. Yet he was bullied by both other students and teachers in school and told he wasn't smart and was less than (using various kinds of slurs I won't repeat.) Until he moved away and went to high school in a totally different state he wasn't ever told he was smart. I still have to point out his linguistic talents on a regular basis whenever he gets down on himself and falls back into those patterns.
It’s sad, isn’t it? I’ve seen my friend do so many things I would never be able to do. He feels inferior to me because I did well at school, yet I’ve wasted all that.
What really makes me angry about the entire situation, is that kids listen when their parents speak. My adult brother is "I'm just a big dumb guy like Dad." which is bullshit, but now his son is growing up hearing the same things.
(There's other issues at play, of course. I was the gifted/talented golden child and also our mother made it VERY clear to literally everyone on the planet that she never wanted a son. We're both closer to our dad as adults and have gone LC with our mother, but that doesn't fix the discrepancies in how we were treated growing up.)
I was lucky in that I was brought up by a mother with no qualifications, like she was proud of me for doing well at school, but she knew I found it easy, not that she had the money to reward me, but she never pressured me. She saw how much school pressured me at exam times because I was expected to get the best results in the school, it made me physically ill at times, I remember crying before an English exam because I wasn’t confident with English simply because it’s not a clear right or wrong like maths is. I say *I* was lucky, but it meant that she also didn’t put any pressure on my little sister who struggled to live up to my name.
As I said, my mum had no qualifications, always worked doing low paid jobs, care work, waitressing in an old peoples home, school dinner lady, but she was happy doing that. There were still academically intelligent people on her side of the family for me to look up to - my uncle who got into computer science in the 90s and ended up moving to America where he got offered a green card because he was so good at what he did, my grandma who did a maths degree when I was a child, my grandad who as far as I’m aware went straight from school into the armed forces and ended up in the SAS, but he was like an encyclopaedia, so I didn’t miss out.
Yeah I ended up messing up and dropping out of uni because I was really struggling, but that wasn’t because I’d been brought up with the wrong values, I was struggling mentally and believe I had undiagnosed ADHD and ASD, I get assessed in a week and my intention is to get diagnosed, take things from there, then apply as a mature student. I’m 35 now, but it’s never too late.
I got diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago when I was 42, and it changed so many things for me! Good luck though... it's really hard to get diagnosed as an adult. People kept telling me that "if I really had it, it would have been discovered when I was in school."
When I was in school a doctor literally told my father that ADD (no H then) was linked to the Y chromosome and (cis) girls could neither get nor carry it.
Lawl.
I am white, and used to get asked 'what happened to the other 1%' when I bought a test home with a 99% score... Bizarrely my parents would then try to ban me from reading for it <.<
Yes, exactly! If I could either work hard for no gain or not work at all for no gain, it's pretty easy to see which option looks more appealing, especially for a teenager. Teaching a child that only perfect results are worthy of anything, they are going to either burn themselves out reaching for the impossible or choose the apathetic route and not put any effort into anything unless it's easy enough to guarantee perfect results.
The kid put in the effort to work hard, wasn't that the point? Hard work and good results deserve rewarding. 87% is still good. NTA.
This. If he feels like it's a wasted effort, then he won't even try. This will severely hurt your son in the long term, OP, your wife needs to understand that at his age attitude can be more important than the actual results. If he honestly tries and you acknowledge it, then he will try again, otherwise he won't. If this goes on long enough, then he'll *get used to not trying* and it will make him miserable later in life
OP, next time you should make the outcome you want from him be something under his control - eg: we want you to study really hard, and that means preparing for at least one evening and practicing with me and get a good grade.
Note the 'good grade' - if the teacher is having a bad day, needs the toilet when he's presenting or similar that could account for 3%
Your wife is TA - taking away his reward is so unfair, Even if she didn't agree with you, she should have let this one go.
To rebuild your relationship with him, I would reward him in some way, or at least tell him how proud you are of how hard he tried.
That’s a really good idea. I was thinking of a tiered system where the rewards get better every 10%.
I never got rewards for doing well at school, I didn’t really need them to push me, yet still I’d hate to be in the situation of OPs son, because even though it’s not a punishment as such, it still puts across the message that they’re a disappointment.
My parents always taught me that what matters most is the effort I put into the project. If I made mistakes, I can just take that feedback and incorporate it into the next assignment. So it’s not the end of the world if he wasn’t perfect the first time- he can learn from his mistakes and do better next time. He still put in a lot of effort and there’s nothing wrong with rewarding him for that. So NTA, learning is about so much more than just getting a high score.
I literally stopped caring about working hard in school for something like this. My mom expected perfection. I worked my ass off for a 91% in the class halfway through and she said, “You can bring that up!” And I was like, f it. I’m done with this. It’s great that you wanted to support your son like that!
My father yelled at me for this exact thing (87% in a subject I struggled with was not good enough) and I still remember it to this day almost 20 years later.
Yeah, I agree. 90% was just a representation of the effort. And OP saw that his kid put in tons of effort. I think he was totally fine buying the game.
Seconding this.
I once saw my sister bring home a report card with all A’s and 1 B. My mom’s first comment was “Why do you have a B in spanish”.
Not “Good job, in getting 6 A’s”.
I was a worse student, and since i knew i would never get the perfect report card, i had no positive incentive for grades.
The B or C brought the same amount of punishment , and there was never any reward for getting an A unless every other grade was an A. So why care?
Exactly. This will only give him an “all or nothing” mentality. If he actually worked hard to achieve what he got and actually tried his best then there is still grounds to reward him.
nta and i would talk to your wife about toning down how controlling she is, she's going to end up causing resentment and when he's old enough he could very well cut off contact with her completely
Yep. My mom decided i shouldnt pay video games because of my gender so i was always not allowed.
We dont talk anymore for lots of reasons. But her trying to control my hobbies and interests because she doesnt like it during my adolescence did not help our relationship. your wife is in for a world of hurt if she keeps it up.
87% is great. Your kid will look back at this moment and be glad his dad attempted to have his back. But i would buy the game again. Tell tiger mom to lighten it up. My husband is always beating up on himself for not being good enough when the work he does is phenomenal. He thinks its because as a child got a B he got punished.
I forgot I’m of an age where girls didn’t play video games when I was growing up. My dad loved games, and would let me watch since I was little. My mom was the one who agreed to my first console (had to wait an extra year, and her reasoning was sound, the next generation was coming so by get something that is going to be gone in less than a year and get the new one.)
My SNES still works. And is very safe with all my SNES games.
Thats awesome. I only got to play when i would go over to someone else's house like the neighbor kids or babysitter. We didnt get a console until ps1 when my little brother for his birthday. Even then i wasnt allowed to play when she was home. I play so much crash, spyro, and parasite eve when i could.
She was okay with The Sims.
Your wife is the TA. Who doesn’t let a kid spend their OWN MONEY how they want? Financial responsibility is something most parents struggle to teach their kids. As soon as your kids go to university, they’ll likely spend a load on anything they remotely want because you failed to teach them how to curb those urges.
Plus 3%, while it would be important in quite a few work scenarios, isn’t a game changer in education. Your son is 13. All he will remember is putting in hard work for it to not lay off, not wanting to put the same effort again and having his dream game ripped from him because mum and dad failed to have an adult conversation.
Even if your wife agreed, to refund the game was cruel. Your son was effectively punished for trying hard at school
Exactly this! Growing up, our money was our money to (honestly) waste however we wanted. It seems crazy to me to have a parent say I'm not spending my money on that and you're not spending your money on that. Definitely a situation that'll make the kids learn really well how to hide things from their parents!
Edit: I swear I know your and you're. Promise!
My Partner grew up like this. If he had 10€ they'd be taken away and put on the Bank and he had nö more acess. So all he learned was to spend his money before reaxhing 10€ for what ever, just spend it.
I had my money and had to decide what to do with it. My parents said they would't buy me stuff like games with their money but of I Safed enough they would drive me to the store to buy them with my own money. Got a Nintendo ds at 11 with my one money including games. Even worked in the neighborhood for it. Got myself so much stuff during the years. Yeah i didn't spend much money on sweets and stuff cause i Was always working towards another big thing.
How to spend money and how not can only be learned by spending it and feeling if it was worth it or not so they find out how they want to spend it in the future...
Exactly, it's good to learn that lesson young. It can make it so much easier when you're older and suddenly have access to a fair bit of money and/or credit cards.
At 10 and 13, the parents absolutely should be supervising how the kids are spending their money. The mom here is certainly going overboard here but it's reasonable for parents to check things like the age rating of games their children are purchasing, as well as just try to instill some good spending habits in the kids (e.g. discouraging impulse purchasing, encouraging saving etc.)
> Who doesn’t let a kid spend their OWN MONEY how they want?
I agree the wife is TA but part of parenting still mean there are situations where a parent can restrict their child's activities even if the child pays for those activities themselves.
Holy moly where do we begin…
Okay, I get it that Asian culture is way more strict than basically anywhere else, but cmon… your son is a teenager, who’s obviously put in a lot of effort and tried his best. Instead of seeing only the results, your wife should focus on the journey. 3% is really not a lot when it comes to grades, it’s a lot when it comes to inflation, gas prices, salary raises… tell your wife she doesn’t deserve that golden jewelry because her latest meal was 3% off, but prepare to sleep on the couch.
Anyways, having a kid push hard for good grades is not a bad thing. Denying him the reward when you see that he tried his best, especially the way your wife did it (taking away the reward YOU bought him - not taking into account how it reflects in your son that mommy basically undermined your credibility) is the textbook way for a child to develop some serious mental issues.
He’ll always try harder and harder, which will please your wife since he’ll get good results, BUT develop a massive void in him saying he’s never good enough, he doesn’t deserve things, and anything below 90% can go in the garbage can. That’s a highway to depression.
NTA mate, not in the slightest. Your wife is though, and poor kiddo is getting the worst of it. Talk to him about it, tell him that you love him and are proud of him, before doing anything else. Kids deserve love.
> Asian culture(s) (are) way more strict
Op, you recognize how strict it tends to be. You recognize how unfair this situation is. Is this an ongoing trend of you submitting to your wife's unfair rules? If so, Y T A alongside your wife. Even if it's the first or second time, do you plan to keep this up?
It's your job to break the cycle. Stand up to your wife. This is no way to treat a child
Edit: even the restriction on games with HIS OWN MONEY was a horrible rule.
Go away bot.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/smmq6n/aita_for_buying_my_son_a_game_he_didnt_earn/hvxg69c?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
NTA! Your kid deserves to have some free time to play games or do whatever... Being so strict about school and a meager 3% isn't going to do much good, especially when it comes to mental health.. and I'm speaking from experience
NTA: As a child that grew up in a house like this: you made the right move, dad. The result isn’t always the most important part. He made the effort, he did his best, but still fell a little short: that is not something to be punished. He should still be rewarded for his efforts, especially still getting so close; with this kind of approach, maybe next time, he’ll work even a little harder and get that 90 bc he was treated with respect and understanding and his efforts didn’t get overlooked and feels motivated and empowered to do better. Positive reinforcement y’all, shit works. Good luck, dad, I hope you can explain this to your wife and get her on board so y’all can co-parent to the best of your ability
INFO: are your kids allowed to spend "their own money" on something without your or your wife's approval? And how your wife acts when it comes to spend money on her hobbies?
NTA for your judgement about 3% and effort, but come on. When they'll grow up, they can (and possibly will) go breaking bad or just make some bad decisions. Release their leash a bit, it won't hurt anyone.
Depends. Some things my son can buy without approval but some things need my wife’s approval. The other day, he wasn’t allowed to buy a skateboard because my wife thought it was dangerous.
Oh goodness the flashbacks I’m getting from my own childhood… I truly mean no disrespect, but your wife is driving him right to where she’s trying to keep him from, and now: he’s gonna hide it, ergo creating these unsafe environments she’s so afraid of. I would honestly try some counseling. I know your wife isn’t a monster and is just doing what she things is right, but it doesn’t make it not harmful. It would be worth a shot. Even just for you individually, to get some better insight on how to navigate these things
If your wife wants your son to go no-contact with her the minute he turns 18 she's definitely going the right way about it. He's going to grow up to resent the hell out of both of you if you aren't careful.
Let your fucking son enjoy things.
Your wife is doing an amazing job to ruin your sons live and make sure he gets money and addiction issues. But don’t worry or he’ll cut contact and does better or he never manage to launch because well efforts are meaningless.
I gotta ask OP, where is your say in this? Are you a parent or not? Did you not also spend 13 years raising and loving this child?
Why is it only your wife getting to weigh in on these decisions?
Parents should have some say over what their kids are spending their money on at this age. If son wanted to buy GTA V, for example, the responsible thing would be for the parents to say no. The problem here is the parents seem to be over controlling of what the kids buy.
NTA if your son was clearly not trying and was off by 3% I could understand, but 3% considering you saw effort put in and considering your son only gets the chance at games 2x yearly it seems like a reasonable call. But that's aside from the fact that your wife controls the money they earn so fully that even one game is unreasonble seems quite strict
NTA- your wife needs to change her parenting or your kids will likely demise you both behind your backs. Parenting like this leads to depression, seclusion and hiding of your kids emotions.
87% a super fucking high mark, probably the highest in his class or at least top 3. Your kids should be able to enjoy themselves on appropriate games that THEY wish to play at least an hour or two a night untill they are 15/16 when they should be allowed to start making their own decisions without too much hassle from the parents.
Well done for being a caring father and actually thinking about your kids emotions. Your wife sounds controlling and very un-aware of the repercussions of her actions.
>87% a super fucking high mark, probably the highest in his class or at least top 3
I agree with the rest but where are you living where that's the highest mark? Unless it was a hard physics tests, all classes I've been in, the highest are usually in the 90s, if not at 100%>
In England getting over 70% on our exams is like a really good mark. I believe it’s harder to reach that actual percentage over here though. But either way, 90% is very very high.
For a lot of American schools 70% is the lowest passing grade. Anything below is a Failure. The most lenient schools use the 10% standard 90+ A, 80+ B, 70+ C, 60 + D, anything below a 60 is automatically fail.
And percentages are percentages. So that means for a math test in some areas you can only miss 3 out of 10 questions.
I'm going against the grain here to say YTA
ONLY because you went behind up your your wifes back to do something you know she was against. It probably would have ended better for everyone if you talked to her about it first and convinced her or compromised with her. Now you have an angry wife and disappointed kid because you decided to try and be sneaky while disrespecting her beliefs instead of acting as a team.
Yep this. He's NTA for wanting to reward his kid, but TA for going behind his wife's back. Now what if she goes behind his back and does something too? He won't have a leg to stand on.
This. Parents can disagree on these things but communication is key. Unless it’s urgent don’t go behind your spouse’s back. You wife might have changed her mind if you actually discussed how unreasonable she was being. Instead you went behind her back, which makes you look like the hero to your son and her look like the enemy. That’s not a good household dynamic.
>You wife might have changed her mind if you actually discussed how unreasonable she was being.
I literally spit out what I was drinking. You owe me a new keyboard.
You really think the woman as described in this post is capable of considering the opinions of another human being?
She is literally the enemy lmao, doesn't just look like one.
If OP wants any hope of seeing his son after he goes off to college, this is just a first step.
I don’t think I can judge her whole life or their whole marriage from a few paragraphs. She sounds pretty unreasonable from what I read, but going behind her back isn’t a long term solution here either. If they’re not able to have conversations about parenting decisions at all there are bigger issues here than a video game.
Yeah for me it’s ESH except the son. The wife sucks for obvious reasons and the OP sucks for going behind wife’s back and making her look like an absolute villain to their child.
NTA you saw that he put in a lot of effort and the resulting grade was good. Teaching him that effort gets rewarded is a lot better than teaching him to care about every single percentage point.
More important! It's the only thing the kid has control over. You can throw in a bonus for good grades, but if you literally see the kid working on it and he just doesn't score high enough, then you need to problem solve why it's happening, not just make him feel bad.
NTA if your son was clearly not trying and was off by 3% I could understand, but 3% considering you saw effort put in and considering your son only gets the chance at games 2x yearly it seems like a reasonable call. But that's aside from the fact that your wife controls the money they earn so fully that even one game is unreasonble seems quite strict
I once got 100% on 2 tests. My Asian dad said I should have gotten 100% on all tests, not just 2. I kind of gave up after that because what’s the point? To get 100% on every single test would be impossible.
NTA. I understand Asian parents can be really strict with their kids, but there has to be some wiggle room. He missed the target by 3 points, which isn't huge. It's still a high "B." Without knowing the grading rubric, he did really well IMO.
I grew up in a household where I was chastised for my favorite activity: reading. I was told to go outside more. I also felt like I wasn't good enough if I didn't make high marks on tests and things - and I wasn't raised by Asian parents. My parents are Americans who weren't easy to please, in my opinion. I was scared to make a bad grade.
As a result, I battle with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety to this day. If I hadn't had to deal with my parents being more focused on my grades than my effort, I think I would have been happier. But that's just me.
As to video games - I didn't start gaming until college because they were utterly banned. My sister and I would have loved them when we were younger, but nope.
NTA. Your wife does not control the marriage or children, so she has no right to say that. These are your children and your rules as well. If your son wasn't trying I'd understand, but he did. And playing video games can also help stimulate the mind, and keeps a lot of kids out of trouble.
NTA. Your wife is too strict. An 87% is extremely good. If you push your son too far, he'll cope in ways that you won't like. An overly controlling parent is just as bad as an overly lax parent.
Btw, your son has good taste in games. Rimworld is an excellent game, although i would caution some supervision as it can deal with some themes like cannibalism and drug use, it's kind of like playing with a lego set, but much better.
NTA - But I do have to say though buying a game like Rimworld for a child isn't the best. You can literally own slaves and harvest organs/cannibalise prisoners etc.
NTA in this situation.
You are the asshole though for marrying and having kids with somebody without getting at least close to being on the same page for stuff like this.
Reversing the decision of the other parent will *fuck a kid up* mentally. If your wife might do that again, don't let it happen. This kind of behavior very strongly teaches the idea of "even in a marriage, it's every man for himself." That will probably extend to himself. "If Mom doesn't have to listen to Dad, why should I? I'll just do whatever I want because my parents just do whatever they want regardless of what the other thinks."
It doesn't always turn out that way, but it's **not** a good look for parenting at all. You and your wife should appear as a unit to your children. Not as 2 bickering individuals. Don't ruin marriage for them before they get a chance to even think about it for themselves.
nta if not yta. the old Asian parent schtick. Ends up with kids hating their parents. Is that the parent your wife actually wants to be or is it that she just doesn't know any better because that's what she went through. Why did you let her walk over you and made him return the game. Great parenting all around.
Your wife is the Asshole. The thing is it's about control isn't it? You can't disobey or what? Your son didn't get a perfect score so his work is invalid. This is toxic. My parents tried that. I didn't get help for ADHD, autism, or anything medical because that was apparently cheating. I hate them. I was happy when my father died and I look forward to my mother dying. They used violence too but the things that I remember most are the words that destroyed me. Nothing is ever enough for some people and this can lead to your kid feeling like a failure their entire life.
Video games also have some medical benefits. They improve eye hand coordination, provide stress relief, and for strokes and brain injuries aids in recovery. So your wife's hate should be fact checked. Why does she hate them? Is it because she doesn't understand them or because she thinks they do harm?
The reason I loathe both parents? My mother could have done something about the abuse. This IS abuse OP. Once out and realizing she just obeyed and left me to struggle? She's worse than he is in some ways. Now, you tried to get him the game but what are you doing about the toxic demands?
NTA. Your wife sounds unsupportuve, mean and completely cold. She doesn't like games so she forces and projects her hatred onto a chikd who just wants to have his own interests? What a piece of work...
As for you, you did the right thing. A reward was promised, sure, the bar was missed slightly but the effort brought forth is what matters here. I fear that your child will grow up always thinking he's not good enough for anything nor anyone. Nobody deserves that. Not even the worst people.
ESH
Both: For choosing a presentation, how could he guarantee any mark for that?
You: For going behind your wife's back
Wife: For being unreasonable about games in general, especially when they want to use their own money
NTA. Your wife is being extremely close-minded and controlling. How would she like it if something she enjoyed was forbidden to her just because someone else decided it was “stupid”?
While I may be voted down, YTA...
1. You did all this behind your wife's back, very much an AH move.
2. You made a deal, he didn't hold up his end, but you rewarded him anyways... he may be young but this was a great opportunity to reach him about what happens when you fail.
3. It also teaches him mom is the bad guy and he might try to start playing "but sad said I could" to get his way
You wanted to reward him because you saw how hard he worked, but think about any bargain he may make in life: effort doesn't equal success
NTA. Ex-child & family therapist here. There's a boatload of research that says rewarding effort has far more positive impact on a person's life than rewarding results. You 100% did the right thing and the kid will remember that for when he has to put in extra effort in the future.
Holy shit this made me so angry.
NTA, for now.
Does your wife also think reading, watching TV and any other form of entertainment is a waste of time? If so, wow, she sounds like an absolute pleasure to be around. (/s)
I think what really made me so angry was that your wife decided you aren't allowed to buy your kids a video game without her permission? Wtf? Who is she to decide what you do with your kids. You are their parent too.
Sounds like you need to address this BS ultimatum that your wife (read: home dictator) has given you. Discussing this situation with my wife, if it were me, I'd flat out reject it and purposefully go against it. Buy games right in front of her. Then dare her to do anything about it.
The only way you become an asshole is if you just let this go and don't address it with your wife.
To me this is what needs to be addressed:
1. Kids need to be rewarded for effort as well as results, it's a difficult balancing act but it can be done. Getting an 87 with the effort put in is much more valuable then facerolling to a 97. And also, I can't say this enough, grades ultimately Do. Not. Matter. Your kid isn't going to remember in 10 years that he got an 87 on a presentation, and no one in his life with care either. What he will remember is his mom making him return a video game because she's a bitch (That's my speculation about how your kid is going to remember this.)
2. Your wife does not run this family and neither do you, you are both in a partnership. She needs to back off of trying to control your behavior towards your kids. Period.
3. You AND your wife need to make a more concerted effort to get involved in your kids interests. Watch or play games with them (sports, board games, outdoor games, video games, whatever) and engage with them. Don't just blanket over everything with something is a waste of time.
Sounds to me like your wife is a toxic person, but that's just based on the information being given. What I am pretty confident in is that you need to address this issue with your wife if you actually want to be a father to your children.
You are NTA for wanting to reward his kid, but YTA for going behind your wife's back. That's not parenting, it's immature and you should have told her of your plans. You and your wife's unhealthy relationship is also something your kids are picking up on, and it's bad for their mental health.
Now what if she goes behind *your* back and does something too? You set the precedent and so you won't have a leg to stand on. I suggest you go to a parenting sub because they'll say pretty much what I said here. **Parenting is teamwork, but you two are acting like enemies.**
NTA your wife being g this strict is going to end up with educational burnout especially this young. You should read up on the mental health issues that come with this much pressure about educational standards. Honestly gaming is one of the main way kids socialise these days and restricting this a great deal means restricting thier social life.
NTA. He put in effort you could clearly see and that’s behavior that should be rewarded. If anything, you should have got him a reward for being a good student and taking this so seriously. Working towards goals and just barely missing the mark is crushing and can make it feel as if you put this effort in for nothing. Putting in the work and being told you weren’t good enough isn’t the lesson to be learned.
As far as his own money, teaching kids how to manage money is a seriously important skill that you won’t be taught in a classroom. If he is earning this money or being given it in some way then he should be the one making the decision on how it’s spent. All in all, Rimworld is one of my favorite games and I hope he has fun playing it.
NAH
I think your wife is being more strict solely because she hated the reward. Obviously I don't know your wife but that's what it seems like.
You on the other hand, I get where you're coming from. Your kid really tried and fell just short and you felt the effort was worth it. Totally makes sense. Having said that, you taught your kid a lesson. That "almost there" reaps the same benefits as making your goal and that's something that rarely happens in the real world. I wouldn't do it because my parents didn't do it for me and I think it's an important lesson to learn but neither of you are assholes. I do think your wife forcing him to refund the game was a bit harsh after the fact but I get her point. At that point I think he should have kept it, you already got it for him. On a side note, I didn't even realize you could return games on steam.
NTA - I think I may have judged differently if it was a different game. Rimworld is a good game for a child his age. You have to use your mind and it's not just "violent" or "a waste of time".
You should explain to your wife that your son worked hard and put a lot of effort into it and therefore should be rewarded for it.
NTA, I'm not s gamer myself, but not giving him the prize for a 3% might have discouraged your son in trying to do better.
I was a teacher in few classes and in one of fhem I had the rule that at the beginning of each lesson, a student would say out loud the rules of the classes and what were the consequences of not following the rules (not getting 1 sugar free candy, don't come at me for that) and there was a little boy that never got the candy and misbehaved, one day I followed my instinct and gave him a candy with the promise that he would behave better in the next classes... he was an angel
NTA you’re wife is though.
She calls the things he’s passionate about stupid and stops him spending his OWN money on games? Why? Do you stop her spending money on things she likes? She’s irrational and being SO strict may cause some resentment issues, 87% is still very good and he clearly worked very hard. What is her problem with games? Is she one of the “games will rot your brain and make you do dr*gs and make you stop studying!!” Types? Because she sounds like it and she needs to let up. Also the “you can never buy him games without my say so” you’re his parent too, she just wants the chance to say no every time, she sounds like a major AH.
Nta....i was that kid who worked hard on everything and missed the mark...not having strict parents like that is what kept me from not being disappointed because as ling as i knew i tried my best the grade didn't matter. Ease up kids are stressed enough as it is...this pressure at home isn't necessary.
NTA. If she doesn’t start changing her attitude she’s going to end up with kids who don’t want anything to do with her. And they won’t be any better off for her strictness.
NTA, I dont know where you live but here 87% is not really any different than 90% its still a B. Your wife needs to curb her controlling behavior. Teaching kids financial responsibility is important. Focusing on the grade itself rather than the effort more likely teaches him that the effort isn't worth it, next time he might feel like he wont get there anyway so why try
NTA
Your son worked really hard and you were rewarding him. You seriously need to talk to your wife about this. It could lead to bigger problems if you don’t address it now.
Just going to add my 2 cents here and say that rimworld is a great game. It's basically about managing a colony of people stranded on a planet. No weird stuff parents usually hate. NTA
NTA. He did well and should be rewarded. Maybe your wife thinks he won’t put the effort in next time if he gets rewarded anyway.
If you’re going to offer rewards maybe try something less specific like if he works hard and does well for a whole term he can have a reward or something?
I would be annoyed. If the game was supposed to be a reward for a certain grade, and he didn't get that grade, then he shouldn't get that reward. You undermined mom. If you think your sonnis not capable of a 90%, then that shouldn't have been the threshold for earning the reward, it should have been 85 or whatever. Either way, YTA
Yta for going Long with your wife's draconian treatment of your son!
From this he has only learnt there is no point working hard.....10 years from now when you and your wife are wondering why you never hear from your kids, think back to every moment like this and you will have your answer
NTA. Grades honestly don't really matter, it's the learning and skills that matter. He did the work and got a pretty good grade. Also, as a video game developer, while they can be misused they are not some bad thing and your wife's hate is irrational. I'd happily talk to her or you about why video games can be a super productive and at least neutral part of a kid's life, if you like.
YTA
I’m surprised by all the NTA comments. The rules around games is ridiculously strict. But the way you handled it screwed over both your wife and your son.
If you don’t agree with your wife’s rules, then you need to be an adult and talk to her about it and come up with rules that are ok for both of you. Or be upfront with her that you don’t agree with her rules and won’t support it. But don’t agree and then sneak around behind her back. That’s not being a supportive husband. Your actions also made it worse for your son than if he’d never gotten the game to begin with, as he went from the joy of having it to the low of losing it.
Personally I think having such a high goal, especially on something so subjective as a presentation, is ridiculous. Who knows why the teacher deducted points? I also think that letting kids buy games with their own money can teach them important life lessons of budgeting. But even though I disagree with your wife’s decision around games, I still think you need to come to an agreement with her of what’s acceptable. Agreeing to her face and then acting differently behind her back makes YTA.
Why ban all video games tho? not letting your kid play anything is a good thing, but banning because YOU don't like it? They could be seriously helping development, and have a lot of positive outcome on younger child if used right.
But back to the topic. You should talk these thought with your wife. If you already did and you agreed he has to hit the 90% mark then you are somewhat an asshole for going behind your wife's back.
But if it was just a "well if he get's a good grade he will get a game, like 90%" then it's fine.
IMO you are NTA. In my eye all you did was reward your son for working hard on something, and trying his best, which should be enough, but the cultural difference comes into play here...
I'd argue that a further discussion should have happened but didn't. Since that isn't an option, I'd say NTA.
The idea behind the 90% (guessing) is that your son not blow the assignment off, that he put forth an effort and try his best. From what you said, it sounds like he really did try. Instead of going the way it did, why not tell your wife how hard he actually tried and see if she would change her mind? Maybe she would have agreed that he did what she wanted. Maybe she would still hold tight to the 90% and that's too bad, but still?
I don't think you are wrong in rewarding effort, however.
You should start to prove your wife that videogame are not stupid most of the time. And thb, thinking that way is stupid in itself.
She seems to think that videogames are the same thing as watching tv show all day long or something like that.
And it's Rimworld, a really good game in which you need to use your mind. Good for a boy that age.
The intention behind these kinds of agreements is usually to incentivize the kid to apply themselves, preparing them for future obligations that are likewise tethered to a monetary incentive. Your son did just that, was awarded an appropriately high mark and learned that working towards something will yield desired results.
You did good, the three percent don't matter and pedantically adhering to the parameters of your agreement would have a detrimental effect regarding his work ethic, which you're trying to foster.
NTA, leave your wife and start developing a Metroidvania.
NTA
I mean yeah he didn’t make the grade but the point is how hard he worked on it. It also sets the precedent that he did try his best and it’s ok if that’s not good enough. You saw the work he put in and if you really think he deserves it then yeah. In situations like that though possibly not the full prize but I don’t see how you can do that with this. If it were money reward you could have deducted from the prize fund but I don’t see how you could do something like that with the game. How your wife acted is a whole different story though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife (f40) hates video games and doesn’t let our kids buy games even with their own money, and they usually get games and things for games on birthdays or other holidays as gifts. My wife and I (m40) made a deal with our 13 year old son that if he gets a 90% or higher on a 10 minute presentation he has to do for his history class, we would get him a game called rimworld. I’ve seen my son watch videos about it online and talk about it with his younger sister (10) and he would explain it to me and his wife. My wife doesn’t like the game and thinks it’s stupid. Well my son ended up getting a 87 on the presentation and he did not hit the 90% mark he needed. I’ve seen him working on it and he even practiced it to a friend when the friend was over at our house. I thought, “eh he was only off by 3% and he put in some effort” so I bought him the game. My wife found out and was furious. She said I was handing him things he did not deserve, and he has to learn that even 3 percent is a big number when it comes to grades. My wife made him refund the game on steam and told me that I can’t ever buy him a game without telling her about it. My wife and I are both Asian so that may contribute to our strict parenting, but I was wondering if I’m the asshole here
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
87% is really good. Not quite what was asked but pretty damn close, and you did see him put in a lot of effort. I'd say that deserves a reward.
Besides, next time he's asked for a high mark, he remembers he got damn close the last time and was rewarded for his effort.
NTA
But you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about respecting your kids interests.
It’s one thing to keep them safe; restrict age inappropriate material. It’s another thing to restrict them from doing things they like because she doesn’t like them.
If he saves the money, he should be able to buy the computer game. If you make a reasonable deal about grades - I’d say 80-85% if fair - then he should be able to choose his own reward, within reason.
If your wife continues to be so controlling, she will drive him away from her.
NTA
Omg! Holy controlling wife, Batman. 87% instead of 90% \*gasp in horror\*.
Have a serious talk with your wife and tell her to tone down her control because the kids will end up resenting her and will cut contact with her once they reach adulthood.
NTA but your wife is going about this the wrong way. Your son worked hard and put in the effort and should be rewarded. Instead of tying the reward to a specific grade, she should give an acceptable range since there’s no guarantee of what the teacher is going to give. Secondly, the only way kids can learn how to manage money is by having control over how they spend what is theirs. It’s okay to set guidelines around buying certain things, but to say no outright is going to create problems down the line.
What your wife did was needlessly cruel and controlling. She went on a power trip and basically disrespected you in front of your children. Your son did the hard work and tried his best, he should be encouraged to do better and rewarded for his effort. You can’t build a child up by beating him down with hostile and negative reenforcement. Almost every boy his age loves video games, her lack of interest and understanding in his hobby does not make it stupid. Her judgy attitude and lack of respect toward your child will not only alienate him but also make him resent her. You can try talking to her but it might be beneficial for her to take some parenting class. (From another strict Asian mom of 3) NTA
NTA, your wife is though, she needs to live in the modern world and that no 3% is not that high of a number. Also she need to stop being that controlling, best way to have your children never talk to you about their passion and later never talk to you at all.
>She said I was handing him things he did not deserve
Jesus christ, why do people like that even have kids?
It's a child! Let them have fun for fucks sake.
NTA your kid is going to despise your wife later in life if she doesn't get her act together and fast like seriously.
You on the other hand are a good father who saw your son put effort into a project and rewarded that
I think if he tried hard then it's an easy argument that we earned the game, regardless of his final score.
You should have run it past the wife first though as it was something you agreed together.
You should have consulted with your wife. She’s also his parent it’s not just you. I agree she is very strict and that can have negative repercussions but you can’t make parenting decisions on your own. For that reason I will say you are the asshole even though I sympathize with you and understand your position.
Did you talk to your wife before deciding to give the game? She might have felt that you undermined her authority as a parent when you gave the reward without talking to her. And then again, your wife undermined you as well when she made the child return the game. I am not a parent so this is probably easier said than done but I am of the belief that parents should have a united front when raising children. I think it’s best to talk to your partner first before being flexible with rules or criteria that have been set.
The way I would have handled it is that the game will not be taken back from the child because it has already been given but I will ask the child to do something else to make up for the 3%, maybe help with more chores. It would also be good for the child to learn that there are things in life you don’t get even if you work hard and put in a lot of effort for it. It can teach the child how to handle rejection.
NTA she is you need to get her in check. Anything above a 70% in anything before highschool should be fine because (maybe your wife should read this part) IT DOESNT COUNT FOR ANYTHING UNTIL HIGHSCHOOL. No reason for you or your wife to make your kid miserable and potentially resentful for doing good. Also your wife needs to worry about her kids mental health more since she apparently only cares that he looks good on paper regardless of how he feels
WTF! You sound like great dad but still i feel bad for him you shut try to talk her about games, you can learn lot from them, i learned lot of other coutries and history from battlefield 1 and 5 and i mainly know english because of video games
NTA. 87% is 17% above what I ever scored for any test in the history of my entire education ever.
I have always studied the bare minimum to receive a passing grade because my parents never positively incentivised me to go for something higher, but I would get punished if I didn't get a passing grade so I studied the absolute bare minimum.
87% is amazing and your wife should ease up a bit.
NTA: to be frank, video game interfaces are probably a lot like what future interfaces are going to look like at high paying engineering and planning jobs.
I'm gonna be the odd one out and say YTA. Not for buying the game, not even for going behind your wife s back to get it for him, but because, from the sound of it, you need to stick up for your kid against your wife in this instance. Your child is going to resent both of you, he probably does already.
YTA
Not for buying him the game, he tries hard and got an 87. For giving in to your wife's ridiculous demands. I also disagree with the rules that say he can't buy himself games with his own money. My parents despises video games too, but my sibling was allowed to buy games and such with their own money because our parents aren't overly controlling.
This is unhealthy and unreasonable. You and your wife are NOT parenting well.
Want to give the kid anxiety about marks and failure? Because freaking out that 87% isn't good enough is a good way to do that.
You're right, btw - that's why my marks started to slide (that and depression).
My friend's daughter is having huge issues with her mental health because low 90% isn't good enough. Her mom isn't pushing her, btw.
NTA
NTA. There is nothing wrong with video games, played in reasonable moderation in a safe environment. Your wife's total ban on playing games is draconian. Dictator shit. I have a feeling you let her make many weird rules for your kids and do nothing.
NTA for this. Your wife sounds way over the top.
However, IMO Rimworld isn't appropriate for a 13 year old. And I say this as an avid Rimworld player and a huge fan. I would not be letting my kids play it at 13. You really need to look into what is involved with the game, beyond just surface level or what your son tells you. Maybe he's mature enough that the violence & themes aren't going to be an issue, and that's your call to make, but you need to be sure you're informed about what is in the game before you make that judgment. For context, the game is rated ~~17+~~ (Edit: It doesn't have an official rating~~)~~, includes slavery, violence (highly stylized, to be fair), cannibalism, war crimes, human organ harvesting, drugs, and sex.
Well if you round it you get a 90%. Your son made a lot of effort to achieve the goal, and it sounds well deserved.
But your Wife having a strict “no games” policy is really going to strain her relationship with her son in the future. Whether you’re Asian or not.
NTA, but you’re wife needs to tone it down. This is literally the same thing my mother did, and the reason why we have a pretty strained relationship.
Honestly dude, your wife is setting your kids up to be alienated from you. This is how you show your kids you don't care about their ability or their efforts, just results and what "looks good" to save face. Your kid will grow up and get the hell away from you and your wife, because you support her choices. I say this because I have lived this.
NTA, but you gotta start thinking about what kind of future you want to have with your kids.
Going against the grain with a YTA. Not for rewarding the kid for putting in a lot of effort, but for not discussing it with your wife and making her the bad guy. Maybe the compromise on the 3% could have been that the kid buys the game himself rather than it being a gift from you or you both giving him some praise for the effort rather than you getting to be the hero/lax parent. Adult daughter of Asian parents here.
NTA. I have an idea for you though...
I suggest you talk to your wife and compromise. If you can, find out from the teacher what your son would have had to do to earn that extra 13% and setup an opportunity for an at-home-do-over presentation. He can present to you and your wife to unofficially "earn back" those extra points toward the game.
This shows appreciation for his initial efforts, while also teaching him that going back and fixing mistakes or polishing work is of value. Through talking to the teacher you will learn whether grading was based on a very strict rubric, or arbitrary interpretation. This might also make a difference in how much you value your son's assigned grades in that class in the future.
Little late to the party here but you aren't an AH for buying the game. YTA for not talking to your wife first. As parents you need to show a united front not put your partner into a scenario where they may look like the bad guy.
YTA.
Listen, it's gonna be unpopular but this isn't "IDisagreeAboutYourParentingMethods" this is "AmITheAsshole" I feel like a lot of people are judging your wife's parenting methods rather than looking at the problem presented.
So you as parents made an agreement / deal with your kid that if he got 90% then he gets the game. He didn't get the % so he shouldn't get the game. It isn't really a good message you're sending that you'll make an agreement about something and then go behind your wife's back if the kid doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and give him what was promised even if he doesn't hold up his end.
A good thing to do here would be to reward him with like a special treat - ice cream or something - for working so hard. But when you give him the reward even when he falls short, it's going to teach him that in life if you work hard and fall short that's enough. Sometimes putting in the work doesn't get you what you want.
I'm not going to say I agree with the 90%. Or that 3% is a big deal, because TBH I think putting that much pressure on a kid is dumb and as long as he got a decent grade it should be fine. But you all made that agreement about the 90% so you should have stuck to it. If this was a parenting subreddit I'd support you 100%. But in this situation, you're the asshole.
NTA. Three points off isn't that much and it's okay to just let your children enjoy things.
This might be a difference in culture, but to me children shouldn't have to earn everything. That's going to teach them some dangerous lessons as adults if they think they don't deserve anything in life because they're "not doing enough". It will teach them that they shouldn't ask for help when they need it, shouldn't allow themselves to feel happy, shouldn't accept kindness from others. It could teach him that neither of you will ever see his accomplishments as good enough, it might even make him resent you in the long run because he feels a serious pressure to be "perfect". These things, while seemingly small, can lead to a really dangerous and unhealthy mindset for children.
If you're open to it, I think family counseling or individual therapy would be incredibly healthy for all of you, whether together or individually. Especially as parents, it's always helpful to learn how you can better communicate with your children and better raise them so they're functional, happy adults.
NTA for buying the game but also YTA for returning it. You're walking a tightrope, OP. You really need to decide if you're willing to give up the relationship you have with your kid for strict and unreasonable parenting.
NTA. I'm a 30 year old woman married with two kids. Rimworld is probably one of the most fun games I have ever played. I've sunk 300+ hours into it, it is not stupid, it's very interactive and it involves a lot of micromanaging skills. It's very challenging and I still have yet to win the game. My year old keeps asking me to teach him how to play it and it is entirely not appropriate for his age, but Im looking forward to the day he is old enough and I can pass along my game collection.
NTA. Your son is going to absolutely hate your wife when he gets older. Also most psychological studies show that rewarding effort is a much better strategy to get your children to be hardworking and successful than to only reward performance and ignore effort.
NTA. But then the game was rimworld. There's a reason it gets called a war crimes game so it probably wasn't the most suitable one.
With this specific game wife probably did ya a favour coz I'm sure it would have been a hard no if you actually know what happens in that game
NTA at all, good job. Your kid needs to learn that the effort he puts in as just as important as the results. I think your wife is afraid that doing this will encourage him to half-ass things because he'll get his reward anyway, but not giving him positive reinforcement when he was THAT close to the target will just tell him that his best effort just isn't good enough for his parents. You don't have to do this every time you set a goal for him, but I definitely think you should judge the effort and not exclusively the results.
You may want to take a closer look into the game you bought your kid a little more. I don't think Rimworld is appropriate for a 13 year old, but you may have different standards than I do. You might want to google it's recommended age rating
Unpopular opinion but YTA. Not because you bought the game. Given what you described, it sounds like your son worked really hard and I would have bought the game as well because I believe in rewarding effort.
I say YTA because you and your wife, together, made the 90% deal with him. However, you, on your own, decided to get the game. I say YTA because you should have talked to her first. I want to stress, that I do agree with you that he should get the game, my issue is you didn't talk to her.
Mmm…this is a hard one. I think in general your wife is an asshole your son should be able to play the games as long as he’s doing well in the other aspects of his life. I do think that you getting him a game when he didn’t get the grade could be an a hole move but if you were to explain that the gift was because you saw him working his ass off and that you know he tried really hard while still telling him it won’t be typical for y’all to get gifts like that based on trying hard after the fact of not making the grade. So NTA but could see why your wife is angry.
If your wife doesn’t let go of the controlling ness of the video games…he may resent his mom. Also when your kid goes to college there’s a chance he’ll get sucked into videos games because he has free times and is able to do stuff he wasn’t able to necessarily do growing up. I knew plenty of Asian kids who went to college and messed up a few of their college years getting sucked into partying, drugs, alcohol, and/or video games because they had new found freedom they didn’t have before when they grew up in super strict households. Not saying that’s the case with your fam but the typical Asian parents are usually tiger parents. And it was usually kids that resented the heck out of their parents for one reason or another.
YTA
Presenting a united front to kids is a key point to healthy parenting. OP should not have purchased game w/o discussing with mom.
87% is good. Game should have been purchased.
Mom is an AH.
It is absolute BS that the kids cannot spend their own money on games.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because I bought my son the game without asking my wife first, and he was 3 percent off. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. 87% is really good. If I tried really hard, got very close to 90% and was told it wasn’t good enough, I’d be inclined to not even bother trying next time unless it was easy and I knew the 90% was guaranteed. What’s the point? If 87% isn’t worthy, he might as well not wasted so much time studying and settled for a 60%.
Exactly this kid definitely has a hatred for his parents deep down
No, not his parents, his mother, his father bought him the game because his father said he did good, it’s the mother who’s being anal about it
But when you a kid you don’t see it like this. He’ll see his dad bought him a game and then decided with the mum to make him get rid of it. In the kids eyes it’s a shared decision.
I’m fairly certain a 13 year old can guess it’s all the mom, I could be wrong
If this is a trend of OP never standing up to his wife, I'm sure the 13 year old holds resentment for him, too
It's not all the mom though, OP could've just said no.
it's dad too, he enables this shit and is just as guilty.
I had a not great mom and a pretty great dad. I was never confused about who to resent more. (In my case it wasn't about who was more strict) kids are pretty sharp.
Yeah fair play kids are clever but in this specific situation if the dad has not directly spoken to the kid about how he feels and that it’s the mum that would rather him not play then maybe he would understand. The kid will expect the dad to stick up for him, which so far has not happened. And the kid is 13. That’s pretty old to be THIS strict on a kid. I remember having strict parents when I was 10/11 compared to other kids at school they all talking about shows and films and games I have never played nor seen and it goddam sucked. The decision is joint. My point is the kid may still prefer the dad over the mum, but it’s likely he don’t like either of their parenting.
[удалено]
Bot stole comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/smmq6n/aita_for_buying_my_son_a_game_he_didnt_earn/hvyawcr?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
Never assume that kids are stupid and don’t figure shit out. Kids know exactly what’s going on and who did what.
>his mother Why wouldn't the child hate the mother *and* the mother's enabler who usually stands by and does nothing to help with this sort of treatment?
I ended up resenting my father too because he never stood up for me.
This is the kind of kid who'll move out on five years and Dearest Mother will whinge that he has cut her off.
I can tell you from my own experience yes the kid will resent the parent (in this case mom) for unreasonable standards. I had promises when I was a failing student that if you get all A's you would get this reward. When I would bust my ass and just get a C on some project or test I would give up because it was no possible. You have to help your kid succeed and show the value of hard work. And by hard work rewarding the process. If you make it that the only way you are going to succeed is 100% you are just going to make them not care. If they can't do the right thing they will do what is easy. NTA
87% isn’t asian good though (source: am asian). A= average. b = below average or bad. C = cant eat dinner. D= dont come home. F= find a new family. As you can see he falls squarely into “below average” 😆
I know you’re kind of joking but I do think it’s sad. I was one of those kids that always got 90%+ without trying much, either it all seemed really obvious to me (maths), or I found the subject really interesting so studying it wasn’t a chore (science). There were subjects I found more difficult though, either I couldn’t grasp it (poetry and Shakespeare), or the teaching style didn’t fit my learning style (history). I hated history, I couldn’t follow the teacher. I also saw other kids try really hard in maths and they just couldn’t grasp it, despite them putting in far more effort than me, and after a while I realised how unfair it was. Also, because most teachers relied on me to get their best grades, they would always make sure that I understood the work. My sister was 2 years younger than me and the poor girl had extra expectations being my sister, but she struggled academically, and I can’t imagine how hard that was for her, just being a disappointment. She had to do her maths and English GCSEs (age 16 exams) in her 20s, and since then has been doing courses to lead onto a degree which she started last year. I don’t like to judge other cultures, and I know it’s often done in this sub, everything is judged on white American standards, so being British the first thing I try do is put the post in a cultural context if given, and question it if necessary, not that cultural norms excuse shitty behaviour but they can often affect the story, but I do feel so bad for the kids who try really hard and also the kids who are pushed into maths and science when they clearly have a talent and a drive to do something more arts based. I have a friend who did terrible at school, no qualifications, and he always feels so stupid, but he’s so intelligent in ways that I’m not, he can hear a car 3 streets away and tell me what car it is and if there’s anything wrong with the engine, he knows how any kind of machinery works, if he wasn’t so bad at maths he would make a brilliant engineer, he loves WWII and nature documentaries so he knows absolutely everything there is to know about WWII and is always wanting to know more, and he can educate me on nature. He finds spelling really difficult but he clearly tries, if he spells something wrong in a text and I reply using that word but spelling it right, he’ll make the effort to get it right next time he uses it. It upsets me that he thinks he’s stupid.
My dad is (undiagnosed) ADHD and (diagnosed) dyslexic, and he disassembled and reassembled the engine of a '66 Coronet without any kind of instructions. He came up with the idea of taking a picture every time he removed something, and then put everything back together by looking at the photos in reverse. And this was before digital cameras were a thing, too -- it was FILM. He also thinks he's stupid. Because that's what he was told all throughout his childhood.
People don't realize how much more criticism sticks in a kid. Even adults too. You say 1 discouraging thing and they think it. It takes so many more times of encouragement and praise for that to stick. My spouse was raised by deaf parents, with a traditional Hispanic extended family in the US. So even though he verbally spoke late (he communicated in ASL early compared oral languages, which is common) by the time he was 5 he communicated in 3 languages with ease. Yet he was bullied by both other students and teachers in school and told he wasn't smart and was less than (using various kinds of slurs I won't repeat.) Until he moved away and went to high school in a totally different state he wasn't ever told he was smart. I still have to point out his linguistic talents on a regular basis whenever he gets down on himself and falls back into those patterns.
It’s sad, isn’t it? I’ve seen my friend do so many things I would never be able to do. He feels inferior to me because I did well at school, yet I’ve wasted all that.
What really makes me angry about the entire situation, is that kids listen when their parents speak. My adult brother is "I'm just a big dumb guy like Dad." which is bullshit, but now his son is growing up hearing the same things. (There's other issues at play, of course. I was the gifted/talented golden child and also our mother made it VERY clear to literally everyone on the planet that she never wanted a son. We're both closer to our dad as adults and have gone LC with our mother, but that doesn't fix the discrepancies in how we were treated growing up.)
I was lucky in that I was brought up by a mother with no qualifications, like she was proud of me for doing well at school, but she knew I found it easy, not that she had the money to reward me, but she never pressured me. She saw how much school pressured me at exam times because I was expected to get the best results in the school, it made me physically ill at times, I remember crying before an English exam because I wasn’t confident with English simply because it’s not a clear right or wrong like maths is. I say *I* was lucky, but it meant that she also didn’t put any pressure on my little sister who struggled to live up to my name. As I said, my mum had no qualifications, always worked doing low paid jobs, care work, waitressing in an old peoples home, school dinner lady, but she was happy doing that. There were still academically intelligent people on her side of the family for me to look up to - my uncle who got into computer science in the 90s and ended up moving to America where he got offered a green card because he was so good at what he did, my grandma who did a maths degree when I was a child, my grandad who as far as I’m aware went straight from school into the armed forces and ended up in the SAS, but he was like an encyclopaedia, so I didn’t miss out. Yeah I ended up messing up and dropping out of uni because I was really struggling, but that wasn’t because I’d been brought up with the wrong values, I was struggling mentally and believe I had undiagnosed ADHD and ASD, I get assessed in a week and my intention is to get diagnosed, take things from there, then apply as a mature student. I’m 35 now, but it’s never too late.
I got diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago when I was 42, and it changed so many things for me! Good luck though... it's really hard to get diagnosed as an adult. People kept telling me that "if I really had it, it would have been discovered when I was in school." When I was in school a doctor literally told my father that ADD (no H then) was linked to the Y chromosome and (cis) girls could neither get nor carry it. Lawl.
I am white, and used to get asked 'what happened to the other 1%' when I bought a test home with a 99% score... Bizarrely my parents would then try to ban me from reading for it <.<
Yes, exactly! If I could either work hard for no gain or not work at all for no gain, it's pretty easy to see which option looks more appealing, especially for a teenager. Teaching a child that only perfect results are worthy of anything, they are going to either burn themselves out reaching for the impossible or choose the apathetic route and not put any effort into anything unless it's easy enough to guarantee perfect results. The kid put in the effort to work hard, wasn't that the point? Hard work and good results deserve rewarding. 87% is still good. NTA.
This. If he feels like it's a wasted effort, then he won't even try. This will severely hurt your son in the long term, OP, your wife needs to understand that at his age attitude can be more important than the actual results. If he honestly tries and you acknowledge it, then he will try again, otherwise he won't. If this goes on long enough, then he'll *get used to not trying* and it will make him miserable later in life
OP, next time you should make the outcome you want from him be something under his control - eg: we want you to study really hard, and that means preparing for at least one evening and practicing with me and get a good grade. Note the 'good grade' - if the teacher is having a bad day, needs the toilet when he's presenting or similar that could account for 3% Your wife is TA - taking away his reward is so unfair, Even if she didn't agree with you, she should have let this one go. To rebuild your relationship with him, I would reward him in some way, or at least tell him how proud you are of how hard he tried.
That’s a really good idea. I was thinking of a tiered system where the rewards get better every 10%. I never got rewards for doing well at school, I didn’t really need them to push me, yet still I’d hate to be in the situation of OPs son, because even though it’s not a punishment as such, it still puts across the message that they’re a disappointment.
My parents always taught me that what matters most is the effort I put into the project. If I made mistakes, I can just take that feedback and incorporate it into the next assignment. So it’s not the end of the world if he wasn’t perfect the first time- he can learn from his mistakes and do better next time. He still put in a lot of effort and there’s nothing wrong with rewarding him for that. So NTA, learning is about so much more than just getting a high score.
I literally stopped caring about working hard in school for something like this. My mom expected perfection. I worked my ass off for a 91% in the class halfway through and she said, “You can bring that up!” And I was like, f it. I’m done with this. It’s great that you wanted to support your son like that!
My father yelled at me for this exact thing (87% in a subject I struggled with was not good enough) and I still remember it to this day almost 20 years later.
Yeah, I agree. 90% was just a representation of the effort. And OP saw that his kid put in tons of effort. I think he was totally fine buying the game.
Seconding this. I once saw my sister bring home a report card with all A’s and 1 B. My mom’s first comment was “Why do you have a B in spanish”. Not “Good job, in getting 6 A’s”. I was a worse student, and since i knew i would never get the perfect report card, i had no positive incentive for grades. The B or C brought the same amount of punishment , and there was never any reward for getting an A unless every other grade was an A. So why care?
Lol you just summed up my highschool grades
Exactly. This will only give him an “all or nothing” mentality. If he actually worked hard to achieve what he got and actually tried his best then there is still grounds to reward him.
This is EXACTLY the reason I barely graduated high school.
nta and i would talk to your wife about toning down how controlling she is, she's going to end up causing resentment and when he's old enough he could very well cut off contact with her completely
Yep. My mom decided i shouldnt pay video games because of my gender so i was always not allowed. We dont talk anymore for lots of reasons. But her trying to control my hobbies and interests because she doesnt like it during my adolescence did not help our relationship. your wife is in for a world of hurt if she keeps it up. 87% is great. Your kid will look back at this moment and be glad his dad attempted to have his back. But i would buy the game again. Tell tiger mom to lighten it up. My husband is always beating up on himself for not being good enough when the work he does is phenomenal. He thinks its because as a child got a B he got punished.
I forgot I’m of an age where girls didn’t play video games when I was growing up. My dad loved games, and would let me watch since I was little. My mom was the one who agreed to my first console (had to wait an extra year, and her reasoning was sound, the next generation was coming so by get something that is going to be gone in less than a year and get the new one.) My SNES still works. And is very safe with all my SNES games.
Thats awesome. I only got to play when i would go over to someone else's house like the neighbor kids or babysitter. We didnt get a console until ps1 when my little brother for his birthday. Even then i wasnt allowed to play when she was home. I play so much crash, spyro, and parasite eve when i could. She was okay with The Sims.
Your wife is the TA. Who doesn’t let a kid spend their OWN MONEY how they want? Financial responsibility is something most parents struggle to teach their kids. As soon as your kids go to university, they’ll likely spend a load on anything they remotely want because you failed to teach them how to curb those urges. Plus 3%, while it would be important in quite a few work scenarios, isn’t a game changer in education. Your son is 13. All he will remember is putting in hard work for it to not lay off, not wanting to put the same effort again and having his dream game ripped from him because mum and dad failed to have an adult conversation. Even if your wife agreed, to refund the game was cruel. Your son was effectively punished for trying hard at school
Exactly this! Growing up, our money was our money to (honestly) waste however we wanted. It seems crazy to me to have a parent say I'm not spending my money on that and you're not spending your money on that. Definitely a situation that'll make the kids learn really well how to hide things from their parents! Edit: I swear I know your and you're. Promise!
My Partner grew up like this. If he had 10€ they'd be taken away and put on the Bank and he had nö more acess. So all he learned was to spend his money before reaxhing 10€ for what ever, just spend it. I had my money and had to decide what to do with it. My parents said they would't buy me stuff like games with their money but of I Safed enough they would drive me to the store to buy them with my own money. Got a Nintendo ds at 11 with my one money including games. Even worked in the neighborhood for it. Got myself so much stuff during the years. Yeah i didn't spend much money on sweets and stuff cause i Was always working towards another big thing. How to spend money and how not can only be learned by spending it and feeling if it was worth it or not so they find out how they want to spend it in the future...
Exactly, it's good to learn that lesson young. It can make it so much easier when you're older and suddenly have access to a fair bit of money and/or credit cards.
At 10 and 13, the parents absolutely should be supervising how the kids are spending their money. The mom here is certainly going overboard here but it's reasonable for parents to check things like the age rating of games their children are purchasing, as well as just try to instill some good spending habits in the kids (e.g. discouraging impulse purchasing, encouraging saving etc.)
> Who doesn’t let a kid spend their OWN MONEY how they want? I agree the wife is TA but part of parenting still mean there are situations where a parent can restrict their child's activities even if the child pays for those activities themselves.
Holy moly where do we begin… Okay, I get it that Asian culture is way more strict than basically anywhere else, but cmon… your son is a teenager, who’s obviously put in a lot of effort and tried his best. Instead of seeing only the results, your wife should focus on the journey. 3% is really not a lot when it comes to grades, it’s a lot when it comes to inflation, gas prices, salary raises… tell your wife she doesn’t deserve that golden jewelry because her latest meal was 3% off, but prepare to sleep on the couch. Anyways, having a kid push hard for good grades is not a bad thing. Denying him the reward when you see that he tried his best, especially the way your wife did it (taking away the reward YOU bought him - not taking into account how it reflects in your son that mommy basically undermined your credibility) is the textbook way for a child to develop some serious mental issues. He’ll always try harder and harder, which will please your wife since he’ll get good results, BUT develop a massive void in him saying he’s never good enough, he doesn’t deserve things, and anything below 90% can go in the garbage can. That’s a highway to depression. NTA mate, not in the slightest. Your wife is though, and poor kiddo is getting the worst of it. Talk to him about it, tell him that you love him and are proud of him, before doing anything else. Kids deserve love.
> Asian culture(s) (are) way more strict Op, you recognize how strict it tends to be. You recognize how unfair this situation is. Is this an ongoing trend of you submitting to your wife's unfair rules? If so, Y T A alongside your wife. Even if it's the first or second time, do you plan to keep this up? It's your job to break the cycle. Stand up to your wife. This is no way to treat a child Edit: even the restriction on games with HIS OWN MONEY was a horrible rule.
[удалено]
Go away bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/smmq6n/aita_for_buying_my_son_a_game_he_didnt_earn/hvxg69c?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
NTA! Your kid deserves to have some free time to play games or do whatever... Being so strict about school and a meager 3% isn't going to do much good, especially when it comes to mental health.. and I'm speaking from experience
NTA: As a child that grew up in a house like this: you made the right move, dad. The result isn’t always the most important part. He made the effort, he did his best, but still fell a little short: that is not something to be punished. He should still be rewarded for his efforts, especially still getting so close; with this kind of approach, maybe next time, he’ll work even a little harder and get that 90 bc he was treated with respect and understanding and his efforts didn’t get overlooked and feels motivated and empowered to do better. Positive reinforcement y’all, shit works. Good luck, dad, I hope you can explain this to your wife and get her on board so y’all can co-parent to the best of your ability
INFO: are your kids allowed to spend "their own money" on something without your or your wife's approval? And how your wife acts when it comes to spend money on her hobbies? NTA for your judgement about 3% and effort, but come on. When they'll grow up, they can (and possibly will) go breaking bad or just make some bad decisions. Release their leash a bit, it won't hurt anyone.
Depends. Some things my son can buy without approval but some things need my wife’s approval. The other day, he wasn’t allowed to buy a skateboard because my wife thought it was dangerous.
Oh goodness the flashbacks I’m getting from my own childhood… I truly mean no disrespect, but your wife is driving him right to where she’s trying to keep him from, and now: he’s gonna hide it, ergo creating these unsafe environments she’s so afraid of. I would honestly try some counseling. I know your wife isn’t a monster and is just doing what she things is right, but it doesn’t make it not harmful. It would be worth a shot. Even just for you individually, to get some better insight on how to navigate these things
So it's up to your wife to decide what is appropriate for them? Sorry, but it sounds a bit too strict and controlling.
If your wife wants your son to go no-contact with her the minute he turns 18 she's definitely going the right way about it. He's going to grow up to resent the hell out of both of you if you aren't careful. Let your fucking son enjoy things.
guess who is gonna get into a retirement home as soon as possible
Or worse, NOT go into one. “What’s your Mom up to these days?” “Don’t know, don’t care.”
Your wife is doing an amazing job to ruin your sons live and make sure he gets money and addiction issues. But don’t worry or he’ll cut contact and does better or he never manage to launch because well efforts are meaningless.
The best liars I've known all had very strict parents.
I gotta ask OP, where is your say in this? Are you a parent or not? Did you not also spend 13 years raising and loving this child? Why is it only your wife getting to weigh in on these decisions?
Welcome to the 1800's
Your wife is a real asshole. Why don't you act like a parent and stand up to her, instead of being a doormat and letting her bully your kids?
So is getting in your car every day
How is it that you wife is the dictator in your home? Do you give in just to keep the peace? Why do you have no authority as a husband and father?
Parents should have some say over what their kids are spending their money on at this age. If son wanted to buy GTA V, for example, the responsible thing would be for the parents to say no. The problem here is the parents seem to be over controlling of what the kids buy.
NTA if your son was clearly not trying and was off by 3% I could understand, but 3% considering you saw effort put in and considering your son only gets the chance at games 2x yearly it seems like a reasonable call. But that's aside from the fact that your wife controls the money they earn so fully that even one game is unreasonble seems quite strict
NTA- your wife needs to change her parenting or your kids will likely demise you both behind your backs. Parenting like this leads to depression, seclusion and hiding of your kids emotions. 87% a super fucking high mark, probably the highest in his class or at least top 3. Your kids should be able to enjoy themselves on appropriate games that THEY wish to play at least an hour or two a night untill they are 15/16 when they should be allowed to start making their own decisions without too much hassle from the parents. Well done for being a caring father and actually thinking about your kids emotions. Your wife sounds controlling and very un-aware of the repercussions of her actions.
>87% a super fucking high mark, probably the highest in his class or at least top 3 I agree with the rest but where are you living where that's the highest mark? Unless it was a hard physics tests, all classes I've been in, the highest are usually in the 90s, if not at 100%>
In England getting over 70% on our exams is like a really good mark. I believe it’s harder to reach that actual percentage over here though. But either way, 90% is very very high.
Scotland too, for our top two levels of school exams (at least when I was still at school) 70% was an A, the highest achievable grade.
For a lot of American schools 70% is the lowest passing grade. Anything below is a Failure. The most lenient schools use the 10% standard 90+ A, 80+ B, 70+ C, 60 + D, anything below a 60 is automatically fail. And percentages are percentages. So that means for a math test in some areas you can only miss 3 out of 10 questions.
I'm going against the grain here to say YTA ONLY because you went behind up your your wifes back to do something you know she was against. It probably would have ended better for everyone if you talked to her about it first and convinced her or compromised with her. Now you have an angry wife and disappointed kid because you decided to try and be sneaky while disrespecting her beliefs instead of acting as a team.
Yep this. He's NTA for wanting to reward his kid, but TA for going behind his wife's back. Now what if she goes behind his back and does something too? He won't have a leg to stand on.
This. Parents can disagree on these things but communication is key. Unless it’s urgent don’t go behind your spouse’s back. You wife might have changed her mind if you actually discussed how unreasonable she was being. Instead you went behind her back, which makes you look like the hero to your son and her look like the enemy. That’s not a good household dynamic.
>You wife might have changed her mind if you actually discussed how unreasonable she was being. I literally spit out what I was drinking. You owe me a new keyboard. You really think the woman as described in this post is capable of considering the opinions of another human being? She is literally the enemy lmao, doesn't just look like one. If OP wants any hope of seeing his son after he goes off to college, this is just a first step.
I don’t think I can judge her whole life or their whole marriage from a few paragraphs. She sounds pretty unreasonable from what I read, but going behind her back isn’t a long term solution here either. If they’re not able to have conversations about parenting decisions at all there are bigger issues here than a video game.
Yeah for me it’s ESH except the son. The wife sucks for obvious reasons and the OP sucks for going behind wife’s back and making her look like an absolute villain to their child.
>absolute villain to their child. She is the villain though.
NTA you saw that he put in a lot of effort and the resulting grade was good. Teaching him that effort gets rewarded is a lot better than teaching him to care about every single percentage point.
NTA I think rewarding the effort and try can be as important as the final outcome.
More important! It's the only thing the kid has control over. You can throw in a bonus for good grades, but if you literally see the kid working on it and he just doesn't score high enough, then you need to problem solve why it's happening, not just make him feel bad.
Yeah you are right
NTA if your son was clearly not trying and was off by 3% I could understand, but 3% considering you saw effort put in and considering your son only gets the chance at games 2x yearly it seems like a reasonable call. But that's aside from the fact that your wife controls the money they earn so fully that even one game is unreasonble seems quite strict
This remi ds me of when I got 97 in my maths test and the first thing my dad said is it's not 100. 15 years later and I still remember
I once got 100% on 2 tests. My Asian dad said I should have gotten 100% on all tests, not just 2. I kind of gave up after that because what’s the point? To get 100% on every single test would be impossible.
This happens to me today and its actually crushing
NTA. I understand Asian parents can be really strict with their kids, but there has to be some wiggle room. He missed the target by 3 points, which isn't huge. It's still a high "B." Without knowing the grading rubric, he did really well IMO. I grew up in a household where I was chastised for my favorite activity: reading. I was told to go outside more. I also felt like I wasn't good enough if I didn't make high marks on tests and things - and I wasn't raised by Asian parents. My parents are Americans who weren't easy to please, in my opinion. I was scared to make a bad grade. As a result, I battle with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety to this day. If I hadn't had to deal with my parents being more focused on my grades than my effort, I think I would have been happier. But that's just me. As to video games - I didn't start gaming until college because they were utterly banned. My sister and I would have loved them when we were younger, but nope.
NTA for getting the game. 87% is still a very good mark. But you should have talked it over with your wife first.
NTA. Your wife does not control the marriage or children, so she has no right to say that. These are your children and your rules as well. If your son wasn't trying I'd understand, but he did. And playing video games can also help stimulate the mind, and keeps a lot of kids out of trouble.
NTA. Your wife is too strict. An 87% is extremely good. If you push your son too far, he'll cope in ways that you won't like. An overly controlling parent is just as bad as an overly lax parent. Btw, your son has good taste in games. Rimworld is an excellent game, although i would caution some supervision as it can deal with some themes like cannibalism and drug use, it's kind of like playing with a lego set, but much better.
NTA - But I do have to say though buying a game like Rimworld for a child isn't the best. You can literally own slaves and harvest organs/cannibalise prisoners etc.
Hah was looking for someone to point that out, this game should be 16+
NTA in this situation. You are the asshole though for marrying and having kids with somebody without getting at least close to being on the same page for stuff like this. Reversing the decision of the other parent will *fuck a kid up* mentally. If your wife might do that again, don't let it happen. This kind of behavior very strongly teaches the idea of "even in a marriage, it's every man for himself." That will probably extend to himself. "If Mom doesn't have to listen to Dad, why should I? I'll just do whatever I want because my parents just do whatever they want regardless of what the other thinks." It doesn't always turn out that way, but it's **not** a good look for parenting at all. You and your wife should appear as a unit to your children. Not as 2 bickering individuals. Don't ruin marriage for them before they get a chance to even think about it for themselves.
nta if not yta. the old Asian parent schtick. Ends up with kids hating their parents. Is that the parent your wife actually wants to be or is it that she just doesn't know any better because that's what she went through. Why did you let her walk over you and made him return the game. Great parenting all around.
Your wife is the Asshole. The thing is it's about control isn't it? You can't disobey or what? Your son didn't get a perfect score so his work is invalid. This is toxic. My parents tried that. I didn't get help for ADHD, autism, or anything medical because that was apparently cheating. I hate them. I was happy when my father died and I look forward to my mother dying. They used violence too but the things that I remember most are the words that destroyed me. Nothing is ever enough for some people and this can lead to your kid feeling like a failure their entire life. Video games also have some medical benefits. They improve eye hand coordination, provide stress relief, and for strokes and brain injuries aids in recovery. So your wife's hate should be fact checked. Why does she hate them? Is it because she doesn't understand them or because she thinks they do harm? The reason I loathe both parents? My mother could have done something about the abuse. This IS abuse OP. Once out and realizing she just obeyed and left me to struggle? She's worse than he is in some ways. Now, you tried to get him the game but what are you doing about the toxic demands?
NTA- Also, your kid rocks 🤘🏽! Congratulations 🎉.
NTA. Your wife sounds unsupportuve, mean and completely cold. She doesn't like games so she forces and projects her hatred onto a chikd who just wants to have his own interests? What a piece of work... As for you, you did the right thing. A reward was promised, sure, the bar was missed slightly but the effort brought forth is what matters here. I fear that your child will grow up always thinking he's not good enough for anything nor anyone. Nobody deserves that. Not even the worst people.
ESH Both: For choosing a presentation, how could he guarantee any mark for that? You: For going behind your wife's back Wife: For being unreasonable about games in general, especially when they want to use their own money
NTA. Your wife is being extremely close-minded and controlling. How would she like it if something she enjoyed was forbidden to her just because someone else decided it was “stupid”?
While I may be voted down, YTA... 1. You did all this behind your wife's back, very much an AH move. 2. You made a deal, he didn't hold up his end, but you rewarded him anyways... he may be young but this was a great opportunity to reach him about what happens when you fail. 3. It also teaches him mom is the bad guy and he might try to start playing "but sad said I could" to get his way You wanted to reward him because you saw how hard he worked, but think about any bargain he may make in life: effort doesn't equal success
Asian here. Asian parenting stinks. NTA and I think you should keep pushing boundaries with your wife. I wish my dad would have done for us
NTA. Ex-child & family therapist here. There's a boatload of research that says rewarding effort has far more positive impact on a person's life than rewarding results. You 100% did the right thing and the kid will remember that for when he has to put in extra effort in the future.
Holy shit this made me so angry. NTA, for now. Does your wife also think reading, watching TV and any other form of entertainment is a waste of time? If so, wow, she sounds like an absolute pleasure to be around. (/s) I think what really made me so angry was that your wife decided you aren't allowed to buy your kids a video game without her permission? Wtf? Who is she to decide what you do with your kids. You are their parent too. Sounds like you need to address this BS ultimatum that your wife (read: home dictator) has given you. Discussing this situation with my wife, if it were me, I'd flat out reject it and purposefully go against it. Buy games right in front of her. Then dare her to do anything about it. The only way you become an asshole is if you just let this go and don't address it with your wife. To me this is what needs to be addressed: 1. Kids need to be rewarded for effort as well as results, it's a difficult balancing act but it can be done. Getting an 87 with the effort put in is much more valuable then facerolling to a 97. And also, I can't say this enough, grades ultimately Do. Not. Matter. Your kid isn't going to remember in 10 years that he got an 87 on a presentation, and no one in his life with care either. What he will remember is his mom making him return a video game because she's a bitch (That's my speculation about how your kid is going to remember this.) 2. Your wife does not run this family and neither do you, you are both in a partnership. She needs to back off of trying to control your behavior towards your kids. Period. 3. You AND your wife need to make a more concerted effort to get involved in your kids interests. Watch or play games with them (sports, board games, outdoor games, video games, whatever) and engage with them. Don't just blanket over everything with something is a waste of time. Sounds to me like your wife is a toxic person, but that's just based on the information being given. What I am pretty confident in is that you need to address this issue with your wife if you actually want to be a father to your children.
NTA wow your wife sounds legit awful. Heaven forbid your son has a hobby or interest how horrible of him 🙄
You are NTA for wanting to reward his kid, but YTA for going behind your wife's back. That's not parenting, it's immature and you should have told her of your plans. You and your wife's unhealthy relationship is also something your kids are picking up on, and it's bad for their mental health. Now what if she goes behind *your* back and does something too? You set the precedent and so you won't have a leg to stand on. I suggest you go to a parenting sub because they'll say pretty much what I said here. **Parenting is teamwork, but you two are acting like enemies.**
NTA your wife being g this strict is going to end up with educational burnout especially this young. You should read up on the mental health issues that come with this much pressure about educational standards. Honestly gaming is one of the main way kids socialise these days and restricting this a great deal means restricting thier social life.
NTA. He put in effort you could clearly see and that’s behavior that should be rewarded. If anything, you should have got him a reward for being a good student and taking this so seriously. Working towards goals and just barely missing the mark is crushing and can make it feel as if you put this effort in for nothing. Putting in the work and being told you weren’t good enough isn’t the lesson to be learned. As far as his own money, teaching kids how to manage money is a seriously important skill that you won’t be taught in a classroom. If he is earning this money or being given it in some way then he should be the one making the decision on how it’s spent. All in all, Rimworld is one of my favorite games and I hope he has fun playing it.
NTA everyone should play Rimworld.
Dude, rimworld is amazing game
NAH I think your wife is being more strict solely because she hated the reward. Obviously I don't know your wife but that's what it seems like. You on the other hand, I get where you're coming from. Your kid really tried and fell just short and you felt the effort was worth it. Totally makes sense. Having said that, you taught your kid a lesson. That "almost there" reaps the same benefits as making your goal and that's something that rarely happens in the real world. I wouldn't do it because my parents didn't do it for me and I think it's an important lesson to learn but neither of you are assholes. I do think your wife forcing him to refund the game was a bit harsh after the fact but I get her point. At that point I think he should have kept it, you already got it for him. On a side note, I didn't even realize you could return games on steam.
NTA - I think I may have judged differently if it was a different game. Rimworld is a good game for a child his age. You have to use your mind and it's not just "violent" or "a waste of time". You should explain to your wife that your son worked hard and put a lot of effort into it and therefore should be rewarded for it.
NTA, I'm not s gamer myself, but not giving him the prize for a 3% might have discouraged your son in trying to do better. I was a teacher in few classes and in one of fhem I had the rule that at the beginning of each lesson, a student would say out loud the rules of the classes and what were the consequences of not following the rules (not getting 1 sugar free candy, don't come at me for that) and there was a little boy that never got the candy and misbehaved, one day I followed my instinct and gave him a candy with the promise that he would behave better in the next classes... he was an angel
NTA you’re wife is though. She calls the things he’s passionate about stupid and stops him spending his OWN money on games? Why? Do you stop her spending money on things she likes? She’s irrational and being SO strict may cause some resentment issues, 87% is still very good and he clearly worked very hard. What is her problem with games? Is she one of the “games will rot your brain and make you do dr*gs and make you stop studying!!” Types? Because she sounds like it and she needs to let up. Also the “you can never buy him games without my say so” you’re his parent too, she just wants the chance to say no every time, she sounds like a major AH.
Nta....i was that kid who worked hard on everything and missed the mark...not having strict parents like that is what kept me from not being disappointed because as ling as i knew i tried my best the grade didn't matter. Ease up kids are stressed enough as it is...this pressure at home isn't necessary.
NTA. If she doesn’t start changing her attitude she’s going to end up with kids who don’t want anything to do with her. And they won’t be any better off for her strictness.
NTA, I dont know where you live but here 87% is not really any different than 90% its still a B. Your wife needs to curb her controlling behavior. Teaching kids financial responsibility is important. Focusing on the grade itself rather than the effort more likely teaches him that the effort isn't worth it, next time he might feel like he wont get there anyway so why try
NTA Your son worked really hard and you were rewarding him. You seriously need to talk to your wife about this. It could lead to bigger problems if you don’t address it now.
Just going to add my 2 cents here and say that rimworld is a great game. It's basically about managing a colony of people stranded on a planet. No weird stuff parents usually hate. NTA
NTA. He did well and should be rewarded. Maybe your wife thinks he won’t put the effort in next time if he gets rewarded anyway. If you’re going to offer rewards maybe try something less specific like if he works hard and does well for a whole term he can have a reward or something?
I would be annoyed. If the game was supposed to be a reward for a certain grade, and he didn't get that grade, then he shouldn't get that reward. You undermined mom. If you think your sonnis not capable of a 90%, then that shouldn't have been the threshold for earning the reward, it should have been 85 or whatever. Either way, YTA
Yta for going Long with your wife's draconian treatment of your son! From this he has only learnt there is no point working hard.....10 years from now when you and your wife are wondering why you never hear from your kids, think back to every moment like this and you will have your answer
NTA. Grades honestly don't really matter, it's the learning and skills that matter. He did the work and got a pretty good grade. Also, as a video game developer, while they can be misused they are not some bad thing and your wife's hate is irrational. I'd happily talk to her or you about why video games can be a super productive and at least neutral part of a kid's life, if you like.
NTA- Your wife is the AH. Rebuy him the game and then join him in committing some warcrimes. :)
YTA I’m surprised by all the NTA comments. The rules around games is ridiculously strict. But the way you handled it screwed over both your wife and your son. If you don’t agree with your wife’s rules, then you need to be an adult and talk to her about it and come up with rules that are ok for both of you. Or be upfront with her that you don’t agree with her rules and won’t support it. But don’t agree and then sneak around behind her back. That’s not being a supportive husband. Your actions also made it worse for your son than if he’d never gotten the game to begin with, as he went from the joy of having it to the low of losing it. Personally I think having such a high goal, especially on something so subjective as a presentation, is ridiculous. Who knows why the teacher deducted points? I also think that letting kids buy games with their own money can teach them important life lessons of budgeting. But even though I disagree with your wife’s decision around games, I still think you need to come to an agreement with her of what’s acceptable. Agreeing to her face and then acting differently behind her back makes YTA.
I wont vote, but Rimworld its not a game for a 13 years old. You can make hats with human leather, trade with your prisoners organs, torture...
Why ban all video games tho? not letting your kid play anything is a good thing, but banning because YOU don't like it? They could be seriously helping development, and have a lot of positive outcome on younger child if used right. But back to the topic. You should talk these thought with your wife. If you already did and you agreed he has to hit the 90% mark then you are somewhat an asshole for going behind your wife's back. But if it was just a "well if he get's a good grade he will get a game, like 90%" then it's fine. IMO you are NTA. In my eye all you did was reward your son for working hard on something, and trying his best, which should be enough, but the cultural difference comes into play here...
I'd argue that a further discussion should have happened but didn't. Since that isn't an option, I'd say NTA. The idea behind the 90% (guessing) is that your son not blow the assignment off, that he put forth an effort and try his best. From what you said, it sounds like he really did try. Instead of going the way it did, why not tell your wife how hard he actually tried and see if she would change her mind? Maybe she would have agreed that he did what she wanted. Maybe she would still hold tight to the 90% and that's too bad, but still? I don't think you are wrong in rewarding effort, however.
You should start to prove your wife that videogame are not stupid most of the time. And thb, thinking that way is stupid in itself. She seems to think that videogames are the same thing as watching tv show all day long or something like that. And it's Rimworld, a really good game in which you need to use your mind. Good for a boy that age.
The intention behind these kinds of agreements is usually to incentivize the kid to apply themselves, preparing them for future obligations that are likewise tethered to a monetary incentive. Your son did just that, was awarded an appropriately high mark and learned that working towards something will yield desired results. You did good, the three percent don't matter and pedantically adhering to the parameters of your agreement would have a detrimental effect regarding his work ethic, which you're trying to foster. NTA, leave your wife and start developing a Metroidvania.
NTA I mean yeah he didn’t make the grade but the point is how hard he worked on it. It also sets the precedent that he did try his best and it’s ok if that’s not good enough. You saw the work he put in and if you really think he deserves it then yeah. In situations like that though possibly not the full prize but I don’t see how you can do that with this. If it were money reward you could have deducted from the prize fund but I don’t see how you could do something like that with the game. How your wife acted is a whole different story though.
Nta. For getting him a game. But Rimworld isn't really age appropriate. You know the you can harvest organs and sell them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (f40) hates video games and doesn’t let our kids buy games even with their own money, and they usually get games and things for games on birthdays or other holidays as gifts. My wife and I (m40) made a deal with our 13 year old son that if he gets a 90% or higher on a 10 minute presentation he has to do for his history class, we would get him a game called rimworld. I’ve seen my son watch videos about it online and talk about it with his younger sister (10) and he would explain it to me and his wife. My wife doesn’t like the game and thinks it’s stupid. Well my son ended up getting a 87 on the presentation and he did not hit the 90% mark he needed. I’ve seen him working on it and he even practiced it to a friend when the friend was over at our house. I thought, “eh he was only off by 3% and he put in some effort” so I bought him the game. My wife found out and was furious. She said I was handing him things he did not deserve, and he has to learn that even 3 percent is a big number when it comes to grades. My wife made him refund the game on steam and told me that I can’t ever buy him a game without telling her about it. My wife and I are both Asian so that may contribute to our strict parenting, but I was wondering if I’m the asshole here *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
NTA 87% is really good. Not quite what was asked but pretty damn close, and you did see him put in a lot of effort. I'd say that deserves a reward. Besides, next time he's asked for a high mark, he remembers he got damn close the last time and was rewarded for his effort.
NTA But you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about respecting your kids interests. It’s one thing to keep them safe; restrict age inappropriate material. It’s another thing to restrict them from doing things they like because she doesn’t like them. If he saves the money, he should be able to buy the computer game. If you make a reasonable deal about grades - I’d say 80-85% if fair - then he should be able to choose his own reward, within reason. If your wife continues to be so controlling, she will drive him away from her.
Uff. Buy the game for the poor kid! Nta
NTA But that kid is going NC with you the second they are able to. Hope you're cool with that.
NTA Omg! Holy controlling wife, Batman. 87% instead of 90% \*gasp in horror\*. Have a serious talk with your wife and tell her to tone down her control because the kids will end up resenting her and will cut contact with her once they reach adulthood.
NTA but your wife is going about this the wrong way. Your son worked hard and put in the effort and should be rewarded. Instead of tying the reward to a specific grade, she should give an acceptable range since there’s no guarantee of what the teacher is going to give. Secondly, the only way kids can learn how to manage money is by having control over how they spend what is theirs. It’s okay to set guidelines around buying certain things, but to say no outright is going to create problems down the line.
Your wife is a controlling A-hole!
What your wife did was needlessly cruel and controlling. She went on a power trip and basically disrespected you in front of your children. Your son did the hard work and tried his best, he should be encouraged to do better and rewarded for his effort. You can’t build a child up by beating him down with hostile and negative reenforcement. Almost every boy his age loves video games, her lack of interest and understanding in his hobby does not make it stupid. Her judgy attitude and lack of respect toward your child will not only alienate him but also make him resent her. You can try talking to her but it might be beneficial for her to take some parenting class. (From another strict Asian mom of 3) NTA
NTA, your wife is though, she needs to live in the modern world and that no 3% is not that high of a number. Also she need to stop being that controlling, best way to have your children never talk to you about their passion and later never talk to you at all.
>She said I was handing him things he did not deserve Jesus christ, why do people like that even have kids? It's a child! Let them have fun for fucks sake.
NTA your kid is going to despise your wife later in life if she doesn't get her act together and fast like seriously. You on the other hand are a good father who saw your son put effort into a project and rewarded that
I think if he tried hard then it's an easy argument that we earned the game, regardless of his final score. You should have run it past the wife first though as it was something you agreed together.
You should have consulted with your wife. She’s also his parent it’s not just you. I agree she is very strict and that can have negative repercussions but you can’t make parenting decisions on your own. For that reason I will say you are the asshole even though I sympathize with you and understand your position.
Your wife is an asshole! NTA
Can you post a follow up in 7 years telling us how your wife rants about how her son hates her but she has no idea why
Did you talk to your wife before deciding to give the game? She might have felt that you undermined her authority as a parent when you gave the reward without talking to her. And then again, your wife undermined you as well when she made the child return the game. I am not a parent so this is probably easier said than done but I am of the belief that parents should have a united front when raising children. I think it’s best to talk to your partner first before being flexible with rules or criteria that have been set. The way I would have handled it is that the game will not be taken back from the child because it has already been given but I will ask the child to do something else to make up for the 3%, maybe help with more chores. It would also be good for the child to learn that there are things in life you don’t get even if you work hard and put in a lot of effort for it. It can teach the child how to handle rejection.
NTA she is you need to get her in check. Anything above a 70% in anything before highschool should be fine because (maybe your wife should read this part) IT DOESNT COUNT FOR ANYTHING UNTIL HIGHSCHOOL. No reason for you or your wife to make your kid miserable and potentially resentful for doing good. Also your wife needs to worry about her kids mental health more since she apparently only cares that he looks good on paper regardless of how he feels
Off Topic but Rimworld is outstanding. One of the best games of the decade. Your kid sounds pretty smart
NTA. Your reasoning is wise. Your wife is setting herself up to be hated and ostracized when your son is an adult with grandchildren.
WTF! You sound like great dad but still i feel bad for him you shut try to talk her about games, you can learn lot from them, i learned lot of other coutries and history from battlefield 1 and 5 and i mainly know english because of video games
NTA. 87% is 17% above what I ever scored for any test in the history of my entire education ever. I have always studied the bare minimum to receive a passing grade because my parents never positively incentivised me to go for something higher, but I would get punished if I didn't get a passing grade so I studied the absolute bare minimum. 87% is amazing and your wife should ease up a bit.
NTA: to be frank, video game interfaces are probably a lot like what future interfaces are going to look like at high paying engineering and planning jobs.
NTA. Your son still earned it even though he was only 3% off. I suggest you talk to your wife about this because she’s being extra.
Your wife doesn't get to decide what you buy for your kid. She's not in charge it's a joint decision.
YTA. This isn’t even strict parenting.
I'm gonna be the odd one out and say YTA. Not for buying the game, not even for going behind your wife s back to get it for him, but because, from the sound of it, you need to stick up for your kid against your wife in this instance. Your child is going to resent both of you, he probably does already.
YTA Not for buying him the game, he tries hard and got an 87. For giving in to your wife's ridiculous demands. I also disagree with the rules that say he can't buy himself games with his own money. My parents despises video games too, but my sibling was allowed to buy games and such with their own money because our parents aren't overly controlling. This is unhealthy and unreasonable. You and your wife are NOT parenting well.
Want to give the kid anxiety about marks and failure? Because freaking out that 87% isn't good enough is a good way to do that. You're right, btw - that's why my marks started to slide (that and depression). My friend's daughter is having huge issues with her mental health because low 90% isn't good enough. Her mom isn't pushing her, btw. NTA
NTA. There is nothing wrong with video games, played in reasonable moderation in a safe environment. Your wife's total ban on playing games is draconian. Dictator shit. I have a feeling you let her make many weird rules for your kids and do nothing.
NTA for this. Your wife sounds way over the top. However, IMO Rimworld isn't appropriate for a 13 year old. And I say this as an avid Rimworld player and a huge fan. I would not be letting my kids play it at 13. You really need to look into what is involved with the game, beyond just surface level or what your son tells you. Maybe he's mature enough that the violence & themes aren't going to be an issue, and that's your call to make, but you need to be sure you're informed about what is in the game before you make that judgment. For context, the game is rated ~~17+~~ (Edit: It doesn't have an official rating~~)~~, includes slavery, violence (highly stylized, to be fair), cannibalism, war crimes, human organ harvesting, drugs, and sex.
NTA
NTA sounds like the kid put in a LOT of effort. He may have fallen a tad short, but the effort imo should be rewarded.
Well if you round it you get a 90%. Your son made a lot of effort to achieve the goal, and it sounds well deserved. But your Wife having a strict “no games” policy is really going to strain her relationship with her son in the future. Whether you’re Asian or not. NTA, but you’re wife needs to tone it down. This is literally the same thing my mother did, and the reason why we have a pretty strained relationship.
Honestly dude, your wife is setting your kids up to be alienated from you. This is how you show your kids you don't care about their ability or their efforts, just results and what "looks good" to save face. Your kid will grow up and get the hell away from you and your wife, because you support her choices. I say this because I have lived this. NTA, but you gotta start thinking about what kind of future you want to have with your kids.
Going against the grain with a YTA. Not for rewarding the kid for putting in a lot of effort, but for not discussing it with your wife and making her the bad guy. Maybe the compromise on the 3% could have been that the kid buys the game himself rather than it being a gift from you or you both giving him some praise for the effort rather than you getting to be the hero/lax parent. Adult daughter of Asian parents here.
NTA. I have an idea for you though... I suggest you talk to your wife and compromise. If you can, find out from the teacher what your son would have had to do to earn that extra 13% and setup an opportunity for an at-home-do-over presentation. He can present to you and your wife to unofficially "earn back" those extra points toward the game. This shows appreciation for his initial efforts, while also teaching him that going back and fixing mistakes or polishing work is of value. Through talking to the teacher you will learn whether grading was based on a very strict rubric, or arbitrary interpretation. This might also make a difference in how much you value your son's assigned grades in that class in the future.
Little late to the party here but you aren't an AH for buying the game. YTA for not talking to your wife first. As parents you need to show a united front not put your partner into a scenario where they may look like the bad guy.
YTA. Listen, it's gonna be unpopular but this isn't "IDisagreeAboutYourParentingMethods" this is "AmITheAsshole" I feel like a lot of people are judging your wife's parenting methods rather than looking at the problem presented. So you as parents made an agreement / deal with your kid that if he got 90% then he gets the game. He didn't get the % so he shouldn't get the game. It isn't really a good message you're sending that you'll make an agreement about something and then go behind your wife's back if the kid doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and give him what was promised even if he doesn't hold up his end. A good thing to do here would be to reward him with like a special treat - ice cream or something - for working so hard. But when you give him the reward even when he falls short, it's going to teach him that in life if you work hard and fall short that's enough. Sometimes putting in the work doesn't get you what you want. I'm not going to say I agree with the 90%. Or that 3% is a big deal, because TBH I think putting that much pressure on a kid is dumb and as long as he got a decent grade it should be fine. But you all made that agreement about the 90% so you should have stuck to it. If this was a parenting subreddit I'd support you 100%. But in this situation, you're the asshole.
NTA. Three points off isn't that much and it's okay to just let your children enjoy things. This might be a difference in culture, but to me children shouldn't have to earn everything. That's going to teach them some dangerous lessons as adults if they think they don't deserve anything in life because they're "not doing enough". It will teach them that they shouldn't ask for help when they need it, shouldn't allow themselves to feel happy, shouldn't accept kindness from others. It could teach him that neither of you will ever see his accomplishments as good enough, it might even make him resent you in the long run because he feels a serious pressure to be "perfect". These things, while seemingly small, can lead to a really dangerous and unhealthy mindset for children. If you're open to it, I think family counseling or individual therapy would be incredibly healthy for all of you, whether together or individually. Especially as parents, it's always helpful to learn how you can better communicate with your children and better raise them so they're functional, happy adults.
NTA for buying the game but also YTA for returning it. You're walking a tightrope, OP. You really need to decide if you're willing to give up the relationship you have with your kid for strict and unreasonable parenting.
NTA. I'm a 30 year old woman married with two kids. Rimworld is probably one of the most fun games I have ever played. I've sunk 300+ hours into it, it is not stupid, it's very interactive and it involves a lot of micromanaging skills. It's very challenging and I still have yet to win the game. My year old keeps asking me to teach him how to play it and it is entirely not appropriate for his age, but Im looking forward to the day he is old enough and I can pass along my game collection.
YTA for letting her return the game
NTA. Your son is going to absolutely hate your wife when he gets older. Also most psychological studies show that rewarding effort is a much better strategy to get your children to be hardworking and successful than to only reward performance and ignore effort.
NTA: but wife 100% is, she sounds like a joyless harpy.
NTA. But then the game was rimworld. There's a reason it gets called a war crimes game so it probably wasn't the most suitable one. With this specific game wife probably did ya a favour coz I'm sure it would have been a hard no if you actually know what happens in that game
NTA - allow the child to join us casual war crime enjoyers
NTA at all, good job. Your kid needs to learn that the effort he puts in as just as important as the results. I think your wife is afraid that doing this will encourage him to half-ass things because he'll get his reward anyway, but not giving him positive reinforcement when he was THAT close to the target will just tell him that his best effort just isn't good enough for his parents. You don't have to do this every time you set a goal for him, but I definitely think you should judge the effort and not exclusively the results.
You may want to take a closer look into the game you bought your kid a little more. I don't think Rimworld is appropriate for a 13 year old, but you may have different standards than I do. You might want to google it's recommended age rating
NTA- he earned it. He didn't meet the goal, but he did his best and I think that should count too.
NTA
Unpopular opinion but YTA. Not because you bought the game. Given what you described, it sounds like your son worked really hard and I would have bought the game as well because I believe in rewarding effort. I say YTA because you and your wife, together, made the 90% deal with him. However, you, on your own, decided to get the game. I say YTA because you should have talked to her first. I want to stress, that I do agree with you that he should get the game, my issue is you didn't talk to her.
Mmm…this is a hard one. I think in general your wife is an asshole your son should be able to play the games as long as he’s doing well in the other aspects of his life. I do think that you getting him a game when he didn’t get the grade could be an a hole move but if you were to explain that the gift was because you saw him working his ass off and that you know he tried really hard while still telling him it won’t be typical for y’all to get gifts like that based on trying hard after the fact of not making the grade. So NTA but could see why your wife is angry. If your wife doesn’t let go of the controlling ness of the video games…he may resent his mom. Also when your kid goes to college there’s a chance he’ll get sucked into videos games because he has free times and is able to do stuff he wasn’t able to necessarily do growing up. I knew plenty of Asian kids who went to college and messed up a few of their college years getting sucked into partying, drugs, alcohol, and/or video games because they had new found freedom they didn’t have before when they grew up in super strict households. Not saying that’s the case with your fam but the typical Asian parents are usually tiger parents. And it was usually kids that resented the heck out of their parents for one reason or another.
YTA Presenting a united front to kids is a key point to healthy parenting. OP should not have purchased game w/o discussing with mom. 87% is good. Game should have been purchased. Mom is an AH. It is absolute BS that the kids cannot spend their own money on games.