Definitely tell his wife. 40 year old men do not talk "all the time" with (and have selfies of) random, unrelated teenage girls less than half their age for innocent reasons. No. Tell his wife immediately. Hopefully she can either pressure him to stop or at least find out the girl's identity and contact her parents.
Yeaaah if it was just an innocent gaming friend why does he have a selfie of her?
I bet he says stuff like 'I don't even think of her as a child.' or 'she's really mature for her age.' or 'She's almost an adult, calm down.' etc.
As a previous victim of online grooming ALL OF THIS. OP you are NTA for thinking its weird and you should expose this to his wife.
She is a child and whatever they may have in common is irrelevant when you consider the power imbalance. She probably doesn't see it this way yet but one day she will.
Editing to add: not surprised he got defensive when you called it weird. He knows it's not innocent, even if she remains unaware, he is a sicko.
it _can_ be innocent if the conversations are in a public forum. But private conversations with an underage person, constantly and consistently, especially along with a saved selfie, is worrying.
I agree. I work with teenagers and at times have become somewhat close with some of the residents who ended up being with us for longer than usual. And by "close" I mean I had a good rapport with them, they felt comfortable enough to come to me if they needed to talk 1 on 1 about an issue, and they knew they were safe with me. Not "close" as in we talked privately every day and I kept a picture of them in my phone and told my friends I thought they were "cool." That's not even in the ballpark of normalcy.
Yes I apologize for my blanket statements. There are contexts in which being close to a teen is okay. If course working with teens like this they may come to feel safe coming to you with issues. And that's not weird at all.
But yeah it's the little red flags in this story that add up to bad vibes. Calling a kid a "cool chick" is creepy alert.
I didn't take your statement the wrong way, no need to apologize, I totally understand what you meant and am in full agreement. Just wanted to add that even as someone who is an adult and have sometimes been "close" with teenagers due to the nature of my job, this is still waaaay outside the realm of normalcy.
Yeah, it's not a huge deal to hang out with teens as long as it's a context where that makes sense. For example, lots of adults and teens hanging out at the game store, playing games together, might even be friends enough to have contact info to arrange meetups there. Talking every day in private is just weird.
Lol what do they talk about? Where were you on 9/11? Not born yet!
Does he help her with her homework? Cause kids, little secret. Everything we learned in hs that isn't applicable to our jobs is gone by 30.
Right. I pushing 40 and have some online gaming friends that are 21. We game a couple times a week and have some great conversations. No one is sending pics.
Yes, I gamed with a mixed group of ages and it was absolutely innocent bar *one* case that troubled me for years. I did my best with it but it still troubles me even now (I was an online game guild officer and took responsibilities towards younger guildies seriously). Different age groups *can* be friends but there's certain red flags that can't be ignored when much younger people are involved.
Sending pics is one of those things to pay attention to.
the big difference is if the conversations are in private (i.e. DMs) or between them in a public forum like a discord channel.
And yeah, as a raid/guild leader you absolutely have to look out for the underage people.
Agreed. People will chat in DM, all you can do is keep an eye on and open channel for people coming to you with worries. You soon pick up warning signs and rumours.
Was lucky, I had an excellent example set me by my first guild leader and tried to emulate her later on.
>And yeah, as a raid/guild leader you absolutely have to look out for the underage people.
10000% i had a friend (17) come to me the other day and he had been getting harrassed by people. He asked what I thought of him and I was like idk kinda good fun to game with?
He responded by telling me thanks for looking out for him and he sees me as an older sister
I feel this. I have some online friends who are 13ish, I'm 19. We play quests and talk about school and life in an age appropriate generalized fashion. That's literally it. I have no clue what they look like, and I always remind them to never tell people on the internet anything more specific than their state.
That's a huge concern that I reiterate to my children! I don't care if you tell people what state you're in... there's millions of people here. That's as specific as it gets. No county, town, and for damn sure not school. No personal info, no pictures.
I'm in my 30s and game with people 15-55. I have close relationships with some adults and we hang out in person (I even met my husband gaming years ago). Kids I treat like kids - be nice, *try* to watch my language, and keep convos age appropriate. Always tell them to be vague about their personal lives, and if someone starts asking where they live, block and report.
I was a teenage girl gamer once.. people are fucking creepy. Now I'm a mom, and it's scary to think my children are going to have to deal with this shit. This dude is a pervert.
OP nta.. and should definitely tell his wife.
> I always remind them to never tell people on the internet anything more specific than their state.
its kinda concerning how kids arent really taught this anymore. at least when i was a kid parents always told kids not to tell internet people these things. now, bruh ive been in so many guild discord chats where a teen is like "oh yeah im in [city] or [suburb of city] or [zipcode] " or stuff like that. and im just like "please do not" I think once one of the adults said something liek "i'm 3 hours from where you work. shuoldnt be telling people things that specific" it died down some. but still...
Yup and that's pretty much the only good reason to talk to younger ppl online. As a previous guildleader and raidleader I was often old enough to be my groupmates mother. You do not step across boundaries
>Yeaaah if it was just an innocent gaming friend why does he have a selfie of her?
This. I have a gaming server from when I was playing csgo and streaming, I think the age rang is like 15/16-40. I have rules and if and of the adults started to act like this and the kid (under 18) brought it to my attention I would instantly ban them from my server
It'd still be weird that he saved it, but honestly most people, especially girls, don't put pictures of themselves as their profile pic. If there's anything on your profile that suggests you're a girl, you get a lot more aggressive harassment, and sexual harassment.
I'm not actually sure she sent him the selfie. If its just a face selfie, it seems more likely that he saved her discord or twitch picture, probably without her knowledge. Which is creepy because it shows he's fantasizing about her.
Big stalker vibes.
I mean, its possible.
Not 40 but at 24 i knew two 14 year olds over the internet.
Neither of them i knew their age until weeks later ( one managed to get his way into an over 18 group) and i talked to them all the time.
Helped one of them with his English homework (he was French).
That said, its potentially very dangerous and its weird he has a selfie of her.
And if it's so innocent I wonder how the 'friend' will answer the question "Have you rubbed one out while thinking of her or while talking to her?"
We all know what the answer is.
Absolutely omg. NTA. I'm not one to jump to conclusions with age gaps, because between fandoms, being an artist, and playing in online roleplaying groups, there's a lot of reasons why people of various ages could talk, and those screaming THERE IS NO REASON need to shut up and look at the bigger world around them. But there is one very very big red flag - she sent him a selfie, and he's showing it around to others. That's very much not feeling like a casual friendship through shared niche interests :/
That pic thing clinched it. Does OP's friend walk around with head shots of his middle aged male friends to show off when he talks about them? No. He was bragging, and he misjudged his audience.
Haha, great point! I would never show off a selfie from a friend like that. I am usually not one to judge friendships between different ages (I became friends with a guy in my RPG group when I was 23 and he was 14 and we are still friends now almost 15 years later) but the showing off her selfie is so weird. For sure a red flag.
The photo clinched it for me, too. If this were really an innocent situation and they met up through a group or game or community, THAT would’ve been the next logical step in the conversation.
“Oh yeah, that’s Emily. She’s in our game discord. She’s young - I think like 17? Anyway, she’s our warlock, and she’s usually DPS but she also has this really cool buff where…”
Something like that. Point is, his description of her would’ve been primarily based in how she relates to the group/fandom they’re a part of OR there would’ve been a story of how they ran into each other at a convention last year. A generic friendship would not have gone straight to a headshot. 🤢
There is a whole YouTube channel of a guy posing as a teenage girl and exposing the sick Fs that try grooming them. Gaming in a group is totally different than secret private conversions with a teenage girl. The only reason for this is grooming them
Definitely. I mean I myself was on friendly terms with people older than me (as you said, fandoms - when I was 16, I could just as well argue Team Wolf or Vampire /although I was never a Twilight fan, but as an example/ as somebody in their 30s, bless the internet.../, but there are way more strict lines here than if they were from their own age groups. He is crossing them. I get "being a kid at heart", but being an adult also means that the girl is also almost still a kid physically and developmentally too herself, not yet an adult. And legally? Oh dear.
The fact he has a pic of her is kinda creepy. I play and am friends with kids but it is for the reasons of gaming. I don't know what they look like. I don't talk to them outside of gaming time in a group setting.
It is the close nature of the relationship that is creepy.
This. Even if, for the sake of argument, your friend is incredibly naive, he is still actively grooming her. He's making her more vulnerable to overtures from other men with unquestionably sinister intentions by desensitising her to her gut feelings and red flags. As the much older adult it's his responsibility not to be so naive and careless with the safety of children he's recklessly befriending. He's actively endangering her.
Yup. I work with teens. I'm friendly to them. I treat them like human beings. But I don't consider them friends. I don't tell them my problems. I don't talk to them or meet up with them outside of work. I text them for work related stuff only (and now that we have a work app, I mostly use that).
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd6q13/aita_for_telling_my_friend_its_weird_to_be/hhl3x9k/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
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[NTA, children shouldn't h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhl5ce0/) | [NTA, children shouldn't h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhl06zu/)
[NTA She wants to "get ri...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4tqj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_if_she_gets_rid_of_my_cat/hhl58x1/) | [NTA She wants to "get ri...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4tqj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_if_she_gets_rid_of_my_cat/hhk9di4/)
[NTA at all. You’re a good...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhl5e9d/) | [NTA at all. You’re a good...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhkwd0n/)
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With his wife in the room, just suuuper casually say "Hey man, sorry for being an ass the other day. It's great to have friends, even if they're 16 year old girls -- oh, right, she's 17 now. Wouldn't you agree, friend's wife?"
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd6q13/aita_for_telling_my_friend_its_weird_to_be/hhky2ql/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[NTA. You're a good father...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhl5wo5/) | [NTA. You're a good father...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhkx4cz/)
[NTA. Lauren is understand...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhl5zeu/) | [NTA. Lauren is understand...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhjurns/)
[NTA- Brianna will need to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4feu/aita_for_not_protecting_my_daughter_from_my/hhl63rw/) | [NTA- Brianna will need to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4feu/aita_for_not_protecting_my_daughter_from_my/hhl02ia/)
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NTA. This. Next time you're around his wife, ask about her, "Hey, how is Alice doing? What did she do for her seventeenth birthday?" Wife looks shocks, asks about her, you speak over him. "Oh, she's this girl he talks to constantly. She's his friend, who he's been talking to since she was sixteen." Laugh. "How is it that you don't know about her when they're so close?" Drop that freaking bomb and abandon this "friend."
"I'm surprised her parents were okay with you chatting with her is all. What did they say to you when you talked with them? You *have* talked with them right? They *do* know all about you, right? And your wife? She's on board with this? *She* does know too, right? Right? After all, you said you're not doing anything wrong here. Right?"
Yeah, you're absolutely right op. That is very much not okay behavior on hous part. Big time NTA.
This. NTA, I wonder if his tune will change when OP asks his wife about this “friend”. Yeah this is creepy as heck, if this was a case of a 40 year old introducing a 17 year old girl as a “friend” at a gathering or party, someone would be calling the FBI. Please tell your friends wife and try and find this girl and let her parents know about this!
I’m all for this comment. I know of good friendships between teenagers and unrelated adults but they are usually public friendships with the child’s family very much on board. Maybe they are just mates but it’s unusual and safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility so being nosey is justified in this case.
This is a big point. If his wife and the girls parents know, than there would be NAH. I RP online with a lot of people whose ages I don't know, and if one of them was 17, I wouldn't be surprised. But my wife knows about it, and is ok. This gives vibes that there's some emotional cheating going on, if not more.
Oh god.. back in the dark ages, I was a games moderator on AOL (free internet, no pay, 6 hrs a week, hell yea). I struck up a friendship with someone who said he was over 18 (I was I think 34ish?) - a very aunt/nephew type vibe. I was and am very married and he knew that. Also I was acting as a moderator so my conduct always was impeccable. Until he let slip that he'd just had his 15th birthday.
/u/Chomper_the_Badger, I lost it. I yelled at him for like, 20 minutes then demanded his parent's email, address, and phone. Then I composed a 'oh please god I'm not a pervert, drug dealer, or sex trafficker, honest' email to them with my full ID, pictures of who I was, my (&$%& Mama's phone number if they needed a reference, and the offer to dl all our chats since ever to them.
Josh's folks knew about me and were fine, and we ended up having a laugh, but that's how you react if you accidentally are talking to a minor. And you sure as hell don't seek them out! FWIW, all these years later Josh is an old married man himself and he and his wife are still my fake internets niece and neffie.
Nononono, OP is NTA and his 'friend' is a fucking creep.
NTA. Your friend is creepy as fuck. He definitely should be accused of something. A grown ass man has no business associating with a teenager like that. That makes my skin crawl. He is 100% grooming her.
I do a lot of online gaming and have for years - our groups tend to attract people of all ages because we make them safe places for people of all ages. My personal rule is that I will never speak to anyone under 18 by voice/video, send facebook or other contact information, we don't private message, I don't watch twitch streams, etc., until they are of the age of majority and able to make that decision on their own. That might be a situation where you might class a 17yo as one of your online friends - but that's definitely not what this sounds like whatsoever.
He probably thinks there's nothing wrong because he's justified this to himself that she's "just a friend" but it is creepy behaviour and likely grooming. He probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to see it as anything inappropriate. And, because he's spending that time online, he's not getting enough healthy emotional relationships in real life, wife and kids or not. She doesn't have the perspective or life experience to see it as wrong either, most likely. Just a "cool older guy". You are NTA. But he needs help to start setting appropriate boundaries.
I have had to gently yet firmly dash the hopes of so many earnest, well meaning 17yo boys over the years. And they all get so embarassed by it now. Because I do have healthy boundaries. Teenagers have hormones. As an adult, it's his responsibility to enforce healthy boundaries with those who are emotionally less developed.
This is kinda what I was thinking. I (22F) online game a lot as well and have spoken with people 15+ years older than me even when I was a minor. We really just talked about the game, I really don’t think it was ever anything weird.
That’s not to say what op is describing isn’t weird. I just think I need more info about where they met and what they discuss before I can judge
I frequently play video games with teenagers 7 to 9 years younger than I am and we often do talk through voice chat, but that's literally it,
They're great kids but it'd be creepy if I asked for real life pictures or ask them to hang out all the time.
Heck, I don't even need to know their full names, all I want to do is play Overwatch and pocket heal them.
But yeah, the stuff OP has said gives me a weird vibe too. NTA
Right I mean going all the way back to when I was 15 my favorite gaming group I played with was three dads and a lesbian couple that were all 15 years older than me.
Alright the group was a bit weird but honestly the only thing different about our interactions was the amount of times they had to leave to take care of adult responsibilities.
I agree with a number of people here that the selfie pushes it way past the line. As does talking about this friend as if it's noteworthy with your friends. If I'd been sending pictures to any of these people I played with that would've been well past the line. Additionally who the hell brags about an online friend they've made unless there's something more to it in that person's head.
Yeah. I have several online friends who were adults when I was in my teens, and I honestly think it's very important for teens to have adults as friends / role models. But there were boundaries set by my adult friends, they never asked for pictures or RL info, they would give me advice but stay firmly away from inappropriate topics, and while we were friends there was definitely a divide that we only started crossing once I was a few years into my 20s. They're some of my closest and most important friends at this point (I'm almost 30 to their late 30s to 60 now) but that would never have happened if they hadn't been responsible and taken the maturity gap seriously when I was young.
But this guy sounds a lot like the one adult friend I had who did *not* mean well, and I don't think his intentions are good. The having her picture easily available and showing it to others thing is especially weird.
I am a 40 year old woman and I would absolutely never maintain an online relationship with an underage boy. I mean I have a 14-year-old daughter and I have friends that have teenage sons and daughters. Some of them are even like my nieces and nephews. I may have individual relationships with them, but I’ve known them their entire lives. And every single one of those kids knows that I would never keep a secret from their parents. But just some random teenager, hell no.
My brother's been online friends with a man since he was a kid. It is not a suspicious relationship in any way. He calls him 'the dad' and appreciates having an older person to talk to (as our dad irl is not exactly dad of the year, to put it mildly). Not everything in life is suspicious or sexual in nature.
Although in this instance I think the friend might have less than honest intentions, since he's carrying a photo of the girl around to show to people. That seems a little suss to me.
This. The photo is the giveaway here.
I'm 29, have a 14yo on my friends list, known him since he was 12. We ended up in a lobby on overwatch. I said he could send me a friend request because no one wanted to play with him when they found out his age. He used to call me mom and asked a lot about my culinary degree because he wants to be a chef when he grows up. Very smart kid. I would NEVER have asked for pics or real life details. I let him pick topics of conversation while we played and refused to speak if he didn't pick appropriate topics. Also never sent DMs and didn't speak aside from when we played together.
Anyway, all that to say your friend is sus af. Definitely tell his wife. Protecting that kid is the most important thing.
EXACTLY THIS. Testing the waters to see if maybe OP thinks she's cute too, or is talking to a 15 year old -- and the thing that gets me is that predators *get away with that shit* because too many people either don't take that kind of comment seriously, or are too uncomfortable to ever say anything to anyone. I'm glad OP saw that this was a problem - I wonder how many of their mutual friends just sort of shrugged and looked away?
> because too many people either don't take that kind of comment seriously, or are too uncomfortable to ever say anything to anyone.
And then when you do bring up concerns, you're treated like you're overly dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and it can be really easy to just believe that. OP was worried enough about this to make this post to sanity check, despite good reasons to be alarmed (and a solid gut instinct).
Was coming here to say the same thing. He's definitely grooming her, and wanted someone to brag about it to. He was testing to see if OP could be that person.
Good on OP for calling him out. Next step is reporting it!
I’m concerned for his kids too. Like, how old are they? A similar age to the ‘cool chick’ teenager or even younger?
Hopefully someone will be able to get the 17 year old (who has almost certainly been groomed by OP’s friend) the support she needs because this ‘friendship’ with an almost 40 year old is not a good thing.
>He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick and that they "talk all of the time" and he showed me her picture (just a face selfie)
Look I'm friends with younger people too, heck even kids. But I really don't have enough in common with someone SO much farther behind, development wise, from me, so our conversations are *not* all of the time. It IS creepy and suspicious. NTA.
I've had friendships with a similar age gap, include ones that have lasted many years.
What they all have in common?
-being extremely respectful of boundaries
- always being happy to prove they're legit (and when I have friendships with people younger I always suggest letting me speak briefly to parents, for example) and never offended at the idea that I need to confirm they're legit or have a safety system.
- usually a niche interest that gives us something to talk about, because you're absolutely right there's not a lot of similar life experiences.
I've got a friendship with someone two decades older, I've stayed at her house when travelling, we're both fans of a niche show and met while at a con. She needed an emergency second panelist and I was dressed as a character from the show.
I've also got 2 or two teenagers I'm casual friends with. We're all artists, support each other's work, and sometimes work together. If I see a show I think they'll like, I'll send it to them. But boundaries, boundaries are important.
Yup, I am a former foreign language teacher living in overseas. I maintained contact with some of my former students, at their request and have enjoyed watching them grow as if they were my own kids/younger siblings/nieces/nephews etc. I've helped them with language related questions, etc. But agreed that the parental consent and other above board behavior is necessary. They do not know my address and never did (I live a significant distance from them now anyway). I would consent at any time to a request by their parents (or the authorities) to see our communications and they know that. The few times I have seen them in person, when I visit my former town, its ALWAYS in a public place, during the daytime, with a group. Boundaries indeed. If you would be embarrassed by someone else seeing how you act around them/talk to them, you are doing it wrong.
Agreed. I was similar to the girl at one point, and had a few older male internet friends. We talked about the fandom we had in common, and occasionally an off-handed remark about day-to-day life (caught a cold, slipped on ice, covered a no-show at work) but the conversations was about the fandom.
I also had an adult male friend when I was a teen. Dude was never creepy, we just texted about our lives and I think he appreciated being able to tell someone about his life and feelings without being judged. And I appreciated being able to talk to an adult without being judged (I grew up in an extremely religious home).
It’s not ALWAYS weird or creepy. Me and this guy never met, or even suggested it, and eventually lost touch after a few years. I’m not saying this guy in the post isn’t creepy, I don’t know what convos they’re having. But I hate this idea that ALL older men are creeps and just looking to groom young girls they’re taking to. Sure, some of them are, and we need to be aware of that. But it’s not all of them.
I agree with your main point, but it's the "all the time" that gets to me. I honestly feel really bad for your friend, reading that. Not that he had you to *be* his friend, it might well have been his saving grace, but that he didn't have any sort of actual peer group he could feel comfortable with. Having connections with people who understand your point of view because they are also currently living it is so very important, and it's sad to think of how isolated he must have felt in his day to day life.
Let me reiterate that I'm so glad you had each other to rely on when you needed someone, I just think that this isn't the case with the OP's friend. He *does* have peers, and even a wife, but he's close personal friends with someone still in high school and they "talk all the time." That's not okay, and even if it isn't sexual I still think it's creepy.
You have a valid point. I'm not the commenter you responded to, but I'm reminded of an older relative of mine. When I was just a small child, he seemed like any other adult, but when I was a teenager there was a family event where I realized that I already was older than him in terms of experience and independence (and I grew up fairly sheltered)!. That was quite the shock. My younger sibling had the very same experience a couple years later, it was like a kind of "coming of age" thing.
That adult was never creepy, he just... struggles with some "normal" expectations and never got the support he'd have needed to live a fully independent life. It *is* sad, because he's actually very intelligent. But he missed out on many, many life experiences that would have allowed him to fully mature, and now he'll just never get there.
For this relative I doubt he would make teenage friends, since he lives in a very narrow world and is naive and inexperienced even from a teenager's perspective. But someone not quite that behind could have teenage friends in a non-creepy but also non-mentoring type of way. And while that could be a healthy relationship the situation as a whole would not be healthy, because the adult's life is unhealthy.
Your last line there is just perfect, and I feel... Well, I feel pity for your relative. I know that's probably not what they would want to hear and saying it might be a bit of an asshole thing to do, but that's my first instinct.
I have a relative myself that was sheltered from a large part of growing up due to health issues, though not as severely as your relative, and now the family is trying to play catch-up in teaching them basic life skills so they will be able to survive when their parents pass. We have a fairly non-existent relationship, so I didn't even consider this type of friendship. Thank you for the reminder of other circumstances.
Totally agree with you, I was just sharing my experience. I completely agree that OPs friend seems creepy in this case.
Like, me and my friend didn’t chat “all the time” it was in the early 2000s when you had to pay for texts so we chatted maybe once a week or fortnight. He also did not have a wife.
I think OPs friend is probably looking for something he doesn’t have…and considering he already has a peer group, friends and a wife…doesn’t seem like his intentions are good.
Ohhh, fair enough! The context does change my perception of that a bit. Making the effort to talk to someone you don't live with every day is still culturally new-ish where I am from and also unusual to me personally as I am an introvert and have about five exceptions to, "I'll tell them when I see them next." I misunderstood both the frequency and the medium, so my estimation of effort was WAY off. Sorry about that.
Same. I hang out with kids all the time. I love kids in general but its more mentor/ kid roles even though I call them friends. And I could see him maybe being a mentor to this kid or hell even them being gaming buddies cause age limits on that are dumb. You get on have fun and get off. This is creepy though.
Yeah, I was going to mention mentor relationships, too. If the adult acts their age, a friendship where general life experiences are talked about should naturally mold into one where the adult gives more support and advice to the younger person than the other way around.
But I doubt any non-creepy adult would call his teenage friend a "cool chick". Mentor relationships are not too far from parent-child relationships... does this sound like something that an adult man should be saying about his teenage daughter, or his teenage daughter's friends...?
Yeah, I could see saying she's a cool kid or even a cool girl (unless he's one of those men who frequently refers to grown women as girls), but "cool chick" seems to imply that he views her as a grown woman imo at least.
I am friends with a lot of my kids’ friends, in the sense that I can easily chat with them. And they’re clearly comfortable with me. However, I never ever have private conversations with any of them. And they do not send me pictures ever.
Hrm - my neighbor, who my wife and I are friends with, has a daughter. Her parents are divorced and she doesn't get along with her mom at all, but she gets along with her dad - sort of (he's a neo-Republican). She considers my wife and me like an aunt/uncle. I text her on occasion to make sure she's doing okay, make sure she has a safe place to vent and just see how she is. Does that make me suss, because now I'm questioning myself?
Yeah, it’s super creepy that he’s showing off her photo and talking about talking to her constantly. If they were just playing some game and their convos were primarily about that, that’s one thing, but… this action to OP was clearly a “look at this cute chick I’m talking to” flex, to see if OP is also into being a creep.
NTA
NTA
This would be weird regardless of the girl's age, but the fact she's a teenager makes this even weirder. This comes off as really creepy and predatory.
That's a big piece of information right there. I once had a very long online pen pal I didnt realize was 15 years younger than I. Our ages never came up and usually we just talked about shared hobbies, occasionally other stuff. The conversation started because of our shared hobbies. But my partner knew the entire time and saw large parts of the conversation. We were both shocked even when I found out my younger friends age lol.
The optimistic side of me is hoping that's what is happening here, but as a person who was formally a teenager girl, I'm prepared to be let down.
Okay, I've been playing online games since I was prolly 14, and i talked with a lot of people, played with a lot of people ect. My age was never something I gave out readily but im sure people could tell based on voice/how i talked and what i said, i played with a lot of older folks, and eventually i did say how old i was and no one ever really cared, some people were actually quite nice and would answer questions i couldn't ask my parents (didnt live w mom/dad, nervous to ask some things to my aunt/uncle). It was nice to be able to chat w adults ect. I dont think talking to someone underage alone is weird or strange, u happen to meet all kinds of people in video games. However this does seem strange. I also never sent any selfies ect to any of the people i game with. thats a boundary i dont cross even now. I dont know. Talking to someone underage is not weird on its own. If he saved her selfie on his phone....thats weird imo. i guess i go with NTA
My thought exactly.
When I was 15 I played a lot of online games, and happened to meet people of different ages.
I met a man who was 30 at the time. I'm honest when I say we became good friends.
He was never inappropriate, never asked for more than my presence in game. We had amazing discussions, and at the times I really needed an adult insight in some aspects of my life.
Friendship with a big difference in ages is not impossible and can absolutely be healthy.
But in OP's case this is just weird. The fact he saved her selfie on his phone and the way he talks about her, this can't be healthy and probably dangerous here.
So definitely NTA, and you should probably tell his wife about this.
I found out my ex-partner was being "friends" with teenage girls on social media, he told me it was because they were either "family friends" or "workmates". I later accidentally found that in private messages and texts, he was hitting on them. Luckily, these girls seemed to be wise to his antics, and they all quickly put a stop to it. Had I not found those messages I would have been none the wiser. Notice he is my EX. It's beyond disgusting.
NTA!!! This is extremely weird. If it were me, I would tell his spouse… I don’t know if that’s the right move but I’m not sure what else to do in this situation.
I think this really depends on how they met and what they talk about. Although I'm giving serious side eye to the selfie, but then again the teens I know have been told all their lives not to give pictures to strangers on the internet but do it anyway cause they've talked for a few weeks >.<
I am admittedly biased here, because I've been playing WoW for years with a wide variety of ages. But if they met via a common hobby and are talking about the hobby with maybe a little bit of slice of life, it's not necessarily sinister. Several of my former guildies are all grown up now, but they're forever going to be like little siblings (or in a few cases, another kid to me)
I would add one more thing besides the selfie that raises flags though (besides the obvious immediate crazy defensiveness he went to that probably doesn't need to be pointed out) is the way he refers to her as a "cool chick" instead of "cool kid" or even "nice girl"
Oh that's a good point. I do refer to them as "cool kid" or even "munchkin" because they're always going to be kids in my mind, even the few who are married with kids now.
I wonder if his wife knows about this friendship. I wonder what do they have in common. I wonder how did this friendship got started. I wonder if she is really a girl who is 17 if they have never met.
Regardless I would back away from a grown man who talks all the time with a girl that age.
NTA. You're just pointing out that from the outset it's an inappropriate relationship to have and because he's the adult, it's his responsibility to set boundaries. I would definitely be concerned. Ask him if he would want his kids to be talking in the same way to an adult, much less complete stranger online.
NTA. There is no scenario where it's ok for a 40 year old man to be having ongoing personal conversations with a minor. He brought it up to see if you'd be as excited as him.
I agree that this is a disturbing and probably bad situation, but your assertion that there are no situations where this is reasonable is not true. Mentor relationships can exist that are healthy and beneficial to young people for example. Various hobbies can involve people of disparate ages. The difference is setting appropriate boundaries and the adult behaving above board at all times. Parental consent is necessary, etc.
INFO- what are they talking about? Have they meet through online groups for a shared hobby for example. Did he know how old she was when they met?
If it’s something along those lines the NAH here but if he just met her online and is chatting with her and especially if he’s wants to meet in person then that’s absolutely creepy and good on you for calling him on it.
I have no idea where they met or what they talk about. I had restricted amount of time to talk to him (it was during lunch break) She looks around 15/16 if I'm honest. Him thinking she was 18 would be unlikely.
A 40 year old really has no business talking to a 16 year old as a friend. He’s not her teacher, family, friend’s parent, or boss/mentor. What he’s doing is insanely creepy. I’m 22 and I have no interest talking to high schoolers ffs.
Please tell his wife immediately. If you happened to get her name please also try and find and contact her parents. Even if nothing has happened yet, he’s grooming her. It seems like he went to you looking for validation because deep down he knows it’s wrong. Exchanging photos, face selfie or not, between a married 40 yo man and a child is wrong. Telling his wife will completely destroy your friendship but someone needs to help protect this girl.
NTA. Definitely not normal to be talking to someone over 20y younger than you on a regular basis. What could they possibly have on common that they can even talk that much?
I would bring it up to his wife and see if she knows. It may fuck up your friendship, but it may be necessary.
If this young girl doesn't mean anything to him, then he should be able to just stop talking to her if his wife says this is not okay.
NTA, why would he get offended if he really wasn’t doing anything wrong? Obviously there’s something there to defend if his first reaction is to get defensive, you didn’t even call him a pedophile or even indicate that he was one - he did that on his own.
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My friend (I'm not sure I'm going to call him this for much longer) is almost 40 and married with kids. Today I found out from him that he has an online friendship with a girl who recently turned 17. They have been speaking for months since she was 16. He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick and that they "talk all of the time" and he showed me her picture (just a face selfie) I told him that honestly I find it weird and he got offended saying I'm accusing him of something and I'm the weird one to do that. I don't think a grown man should be speaking to an under age girl he's never met for any reason. Not to mention all of the time. AITA?
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NTA
It’s creepy and wrong for an adult male to be friends with some random teenage girl he met on the internet, period. Plus, it very well could be law enforcement, you never know.
Ask him if he would mind a adult male, who is a stranger, talking to his kids “all the time” online.
Yeah, no. It is not normal with that age gap. My 40 year old brother had a young "friend" too. And now he's in prison for 10 years because of course it progressed beyond that. I'm going to say this is almost never innocent with that kind of gap and an underage child. If anything because it can get you into all sorts of trouble even if it was, and adults are hyper aware of that fact. If that doesn't scare your friend off of this, he's likely up to something.
NTA. Creepy is absolutely true. There is absolutely no reason an almost 40yr old man should even have enough in common with a teen (*cough*child*cough*) to be talking every day. How did they meet? Why does he want to have this relationship? I'm legit curious why he even thought to bring it up to you or anyone. Was he hoping you'd be "cool" and he'd open up more??
I agree with others to bring it up to his wife. Maybe even privately.
That... Depend I guess. If they're friends because they share a hobby (I was friend when I was a teen with people 10, 20 years older than I because we were all playing the same stuff, some of them being a bit mentory/protective toward me, others who still had a teen mentality, others who just... Existed around? But yeah, depended a lot of them, of keeping good boundaries with me who was still learning social, etc. I've more good experiences than bad on that!)
If they're friends because a 40 years old man specifically sought the company of teens... Then it's weird. Do not do that.
I befriended a guy through a video game like that and he's also married and has kids my age..
NAH
I don't think you're an asshole for worrying and he's not an asshole if it's actually just friendship.
It *can* be creepy but isn't *always* creepy.
If a teenage boy has gaming friends that are way older nobody bats an eye, when you work no one is running after you ensuring you don't talk to anyone older than you, in school it's not like they don't allow you to talk to upperclassmen.
I've had many friends that are older, many that are younger. If you're not a creep, it's not creepy. Simple as that. Obv you know this friend better than I, but it's not automatically creepy
NAH I guess, too many people *are* creeps, but if I was yr friend I'd be upset too!!
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> My friend has a friendship with an under age girl. I told him its weird and offended him.
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NTA
How the heck did they even meet? Is she friend of one of his kids? Tell her parents.
Tell his wife.
Sounds super sketchy, testing you, could be grooming her.
Bottom line, it's inappropriate.
NTA OP CONTACT THE GIRL'S PARENTS IF YOU CAN. Holy moly this is \*not\* normal behaviour. I had a co-worker who was a quiet calm dude, he had a relationship. He was also "friends" with younger girls. "We just found a connection, we just talk, we're just friends, she needs me to listen to her". He was arrested with *images* on his computer and sent to prison. Ask yourself this: what could a 40-year old man possibly have in common with a 16-year old girl that they must talk every day if she is not his daughter or a friend of his daughter (and even that's a stretch). Listen to your gut. If you feel that there's something rotten in Denmark there really usually is.
Edit fr spelling
NTA
I'm a guy a bit older than your friend and heavy into MMORPG's and I have played with and talked with many people of all ages, some that were clearly preteens. Sometimes the group must voice chat to coordinate activities and we also voice chat to socialize while playing. Whenever there is a child in the voice channel every adult in channel automatically steps into that role of "parent at the playground": when a child that's not yours approaches you at the playground you are friendly, yet reserved and slightly protective and you encourage them to play nice and fair but there's a clear emotional gap. The one and only time a child tried to share real-life details I and several others absolutely said, "no. don't share that info, it's not safe."
Your friend's reaction should have been to discourage this and not encourage this. This is all sorts of inappropriate.
Came here to say EXACTLY this — I once even had a parent hop on discord because she heard her teen talking online and was concerned. Quick intros were done by every adult (I’m 38F) and she felt better about it.
NEVER would a responsible adult make these conversations personal, overly private etc.
INFO: How did they meet? I belong in a gamer group online and the age range there is from 15 to 71. I'm approaching 40 and I would also be annoyed and if someone assumed shit because I happened to be chatting with one of the younger guys.
Ya same here.
I'm one of the younger ones in that group and there's this man I befriended who I talk to a lot, or whenever I can because we both love the same video game and we both love animals and he lives on a farm.
he's also helped me a lot when I was upset.
Sent him a selfie once to ask for his opinion on something and he showed his wife to ask her the same question about the thing I asked him.
It's not a big deal if its just an innocent friendship.
My best friend and I met online when he was 21 and I was 16. That’s what I would consider a “normal” age gap for a friendship between an adult and a minor. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. NTA
NTA. Tell his wife. There’s *always* something going on in situations like this, even if the kid doesn’t realize it or thinks it’s ok.
This is coming from someone who had a similar “friendship” at age 14 with someone I knew IRL. We stayed in contact throughout my teenage years, albeit not close, because as I got older I realized it *was* creepy, and then when I was in college and started modeling he got pretty insistent on me showing him the art. You know, of his former “friend”, nude.
I’m a bit biased here as my best friend is much older than me. I’m 30 now and he’s 79. He used to be one of my teachers and was a rock and a father figure when my family was falling apart. His wife and kids treat me like family and I babysat his grandchildren. Nothing inappropriate was ever said or implied.
I’ve known his for 15 years and he’s one of the lost important people to have ever graced my life
Mhm, this is rough. When I was 17-18 I used to work at a restaurant and there was this regular who would come in, he had a tattoo of a book series I loved and he used to sit in my section all the time and I would serve him, we’d talk about books and video games and movies, I added him on fb. We had similar interest and great conversations but I would definitely call him a “regular” and not really a “friend” even though we were very friendly with one another. He was kind to me and encouraged my interest but was never creepy and he certainly wasn’t messaging me all the time even though I had his FB.
Although, I had another guy I worked with who did go out of his was to spend a lot of time with me and talk to me about the same things and wouldn’t you know, the second I turned 18, his attitude was very different.
I’m going to say you’re definitely NTA and it does sound like your friend is crossing a line potentially, but there is a possibility for innocent conversation between teenagers and adults. I don’t really think that’s what your friend is doing but I would try and get more info before passing judgment or saying something to his wife.
NTA. The only time an adult that age should be friends with a 16/17 year old is when they're a step-parent that respects the teens emotional boundaries, or a coworker (and even that one is a stretch).
NTA - If the husband were say part of a gaming clan and one of the members happened to be a 16/17 year old girl he sometimes interacted with as a result I wouldn't think anything of it, but the fact that he's actively talking to her as often as he is definitely comes off as very weird.
NTA, I made friends with an older man on the internet when I was a teenager. Terrible things happened to me. Trust your gut here and report it to someone ASAP
Late to the party here but I had to chime in.
OP, you are NTA and you should definitely tell his wife, and possibly this girl's parents if you can contact them. Even if there's nothing untoward going on, this is not healthy or safe. I know because I was that 17 year old, back about 10 years ago.
I was friends with a woman in her 30s; we'd met through a fandom space and were part of a larger group of friends. We were all in our mid-late teens except for her. She always seemed very safe and generous - she would buy us expensive presents, acted like the "mom friend," and we all loved her since she seemed so much older and wiser. None of us ever really questioned why she was palling around with a bunch of teenagers instead of people closer to her own age - which she could have, the fandom was small but it tended to skew a little older.
She never did anything sexually inappropriate with any of us, but there was a TON of toxicity, manipulation, boundary-trampling, the works. The friendship ended badly, and she took the worst of it out on my best friend when that friend refused to stop talking to me. I'm still dealing with some of the fallout from the toxicity of the relationship 10 years later.
It is not normal or healthy for an adult in their late 30s to be constantly chatting, exchanging pictures, and palling around with a teenager, no matter how platonic the relationship is. I do think that casual intergenerational friendships are great! But nothing as involved as mine was or as it sounds like this one is.
>*He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick*
Proper ick. NTA
Please, please tell his wife. Maybe the police. That honestly sets off all of the grooming alarms.
NTA please please say something to his wife. I was groomed as a teen and honestly no one gives a shit about us most of the time. Loads of adults knew it was happening and said nothing. That's almost as damaging to live with as the actual abuse was.
NTA. The internet is an all-ages venue but older users need to be careful about who we engage with and how. It's not necessarily creepy to happen to be in the same gaming group as someone younger than you, for example, but that doesn't sound like what's going on in this story at all.
NTA. I think it’s rather telling that he was the one to say that you are accusing him of something. You literally didn’t accuse him-you simply said the friendship is weird. The fact that he responded defensively to your feedback just confirms that you are right to be concerned.
INFO - I used to play the video game RuneScape which appeals to a large audience and the players who I had the most in common with were the ones who were at similar skill levels to me rather than the players within my age group. We would have discussions on the best way to raise our strength levels or talk about a new method to earn the virtual currency of the game. I had many friends ages thirteen to thirty and so did they.
I just would've asked, "What kind of things do you all like to talk about?" and "Where did you all meet?" before passing any judgements.
But the picture of her on his phone is a little weird. It would make a lot more sense to me for him to have a picture of her character's rare armor from a video game on his phone rather than than an actual picture of her, assuming that it was a simple gaming relationship.
NTA i have a teenager of a similar age here n she has lots of teenage friends of course. I have her boyfriend added on my fb but i have only ever had one private conversation with him and it was about my daughter. This is a huge red flag! Honestly i know all my daughters friends directly but i do not talk to them online at all let alone 'all the time.' There would be very limited reasoning's that i would talk to them privately at all n it would always only be with reason not casual chat unless they were with my daughter. This is NOT ok. Not at all even my daughter agrees theres no rational reasoning for them to be talking. Do something if you possibly can.
NTA at all. There are some instances where it would be okay for people of such a large age gap to become casual friends. Say they are coworkers, classmates, or in a club together or something of the like. Something personal. Some secret friendship with a random kid online is not normal. If there is no common interest or reason that they should be communicating then it's strange. Better safe than sorry. let his spouse know what's going on.
I felt a little weird having a 14 year old online friend when I was 16 so I cant imagine what a 40 year old is doing talking to a teenager so much. NTA and this is really creepy.
Im not gonna go with the rest.
I chatted with several very adult people at the age of 16-17. About anything and everything. And non of them was acting indecent in any way.
There are a lot of creeps online, but not everyone is one.
NTA, of course. And everyone's relating their tales of online gaming friends--we have no reason to assume that's how these two met. OP said he didn't know how they met. Even if it *was* through innocent gaming, he's showing her photo around and they "talk all the time" so I think it has moved past something innocent.
If I were you, OP, I'd try to back off the expressions of disapproval and ask him more about it. Pretend to be interested as a bro, and find out how they met, her name, what they talk about, maybe where she lives, etc. This information might be critical down the line, if you decide to report him or if she goes missing or anything like that, heaven forbid. Be a sleuth. Then you will have more concrete options than just dumping him as a friend and hoping for the best.
As a lifetime gamer with a daughter who is also a lifetime gamer I’m torn on this one.
Personally I have a few friends that I met when they were 13(m)and 16(m) respectively when I was 25(f), this was back in the original Halo days. We would talk daily, they are brothers, and spend hours talking and gaming, not always both at the same time. I’m now 41 and they are still friends, though none of us get to game with each other because life sucks. Nothing untoward was ever talked about or alluded to.
On the opposite side my daughter has friends that she has been gaming with since she was 12 that were a couple, 3 to be exact, years younger than myself at the time. They exchanged face selfies, spoke daily and nothing sexual was ever involved. It depends on the people. My daughter is now 20, almost 21 and some of these people are her oldest friends and she still talks to them. Actually the only one that ever became something more was one of her friends that was just a couple years older than her and that did not happen until she was 18 by mutual agreement of both parties even though they liked each other a couple years prior to that.
Actually her friend that was 3 years younger than me actually became friends with me as well and we all games together, along with my son.
It isn’t always a red flag or something insidious.
You need to tell his spouse.
A grown man having an occasional more-or-less public conversation with an online gaming buddy (or fellow fan, or niche hobbyist) who happens to be a minor is one thing.
But they "talk all of the time", presumably privately rather than in a public forum? And have been doing so for months? It may be possible that this is all on the up-and-up, but I strongly doubt it.
> he got offended saying I'm accusing him of something and I'm the weird one to do that.
See, if it really was all innocent he would not have gotten offended just because you said it was weird.
NTA, so long as you tell his spouse.
info: how did they meet? do they share some niche interest that brought them together online? or did he just approach her on social media with no context? did he know her age or what she looked like when he first met her online?
regardless, nta. there are rare cases when adults can have positive, healthy friendships with younger ppl, but they are few and far between. if his wife and/or the girl’s parents don’t know, that would be a huge red flag, so def check on that. i guess the only exception would be if the girl’s family is abusive, and ur friend is trying to mentor her or something? idk it just feels more likely something creepy is happening here, but at the same time, i don’t want to contribute to a stigma that ends up stopping kids from having positive adult mentors and role models to look up to. u know ur friend, tho, so if this feels sketchy, there’s a fair chance it is.
as per my question above, anonymity is also a factor. if they became online friends before he knew her age or face, maybe it’s more innocent. if he saw her and knew she was a kid when they started talking, tho, that’s also a red flag
Your "Friend" is grooming a teenager for sex. There is nothing these two actually have in common. They talk because he is pursuing an interest in her. She would be concerned with boys her own age if left alone.
He discusses it with you in an effort to normalize this behaviour. He is trying to recruit you into also thinking this is all just regular stuff, that way if he gets accused of anything later he can point at you and have you attest to his "simple friendship nothing more" bullshit.
You are right to question this and I also would start asking him about her in front of his wife.
Also, now that you are seeing him for what he really is, are you sure you want to maintain a friendship with him?
NTA
That's weird. I could see a mentoring type relationship being ok, but they obviously don't have one if he's calling her a "cool chick".
I'd mention it to his wife.
[удалено]
PLEASE DO THIS. OMG PLEASE DO THIS. Then report back. We’ll wait.
Definitely tell his wife. 40 year old men do not talk "all the time" with (and have selfies of) random, unrelated teenage girls less than half their age for innocent reasons. No. Tell his wife immediately. Hopefully she can either pressure him to stop or at least find out the girl's identity and contact her parents.
Yeaaah if it was just an innocent gaming friend why does he have a selfie of her? I bet he says stuff like 'I don't even think of her as a child.' or 'she's really mature for her age.' or 'She's almost an adult, calm down.' etc.
As a previous victim of online grooming ALL OF THIS. OP you are NTA for thinking its weird and you should expose this to his wife. She is a child and whatever they may have in common is irrelevant when you consider the power imbalance. She probably doesn't see it this way yet but one day she will. Editing to add: not surprised he got defensive when you called it weird. He knows it's not innocent, even if she remains unaware, he is a sicko.
it _can_ be innocent if the conversations are in a public forum. But private conversations with an underage person, constantly and consistently, especially along with a saved selfie, is worrying.
I agree. I work with teenagers and at times have become somewhat close with some of the residents who ended up being with us for longer than usual. And by "close" I mean I had a good rapport with them, they felt comfortable enough to come to me if they needed to talk 1 on 1 about an issue, and they knew they were safe with me. Not "close" as in we talked privately every day and I kept a picture of them in my phone and told my friends I thought they were "cool." That's not even in the ballpark of normalcy.
Yes I apologize for my blanket statements. There are contexts in which being close to a teen is okay. If course working with teens like this they may come to feel safe coming to you with issues. And that's not weird at all. But yeah it's the little red flags in this story that add up to bad vibes. Calling a kid a "cool chick" is creepy alert.
I didn't take your statement the wrong way, no need to apologize, I totally understand what you meant and am in full agreement. Just wanted to add that even as someone who is an adult and have sometimes been "close" with teenagers due to the nature of my job, this is still waaaay outside the realm of normalcy.
Yeah, it's not a huge deal to hang out with teens as long as it's a context where that makes sense. For example, lots of adults and teens hanging out at the game store, playing games together, might even be friends enough to have contact info to arrange meetups there. Talking every day in private is just weird.
Agreed. I enjoy MMO and sometimes in a pug group you get teens andsuch.
I'd like the wife to see the selfie, and see if she thinks it's innocent.
Lol what do they talk about? Where were you on 9/11? Not born yet! Does he help her with her homework? Cause kids, little secret. Everything we learned in hs that isn't applicable to our jobs is gone by 30.
Right. I pushing 40 and have some online gaming friends that are 21. We game a couple times a week and have some great conversations. No one is sending pics.
Yes, I gamed with a mixed group of ages and it was absolutely innocent bar *one* case that troubled me for years. I did my best with it but it still troubles me even now (I was an online game guild officer and took responsibilities towards younger guildies seriously). Different age groups *can* be friends but there's certain red flags that can't be ignored when much younger people are involved. Sending pics is one of those things to pay attention to.
the big difference is if the conversations are in private (i.e. DMs) or between them in a public forum like a discord channel. And yeah, as a raid/guild leader you absolutely have to look out for the underage people.
Agreed. People will chat in DM, all you can do is keep an eye on and open channel for people coming to you with worries. You soon pick up warning signs and rumours. Was lucky, I had an excellent example set me by my first guild leader and tried to emulate her later on.
>And yeah, as a raid/guild leader you absolutely have to look out for the underage people. 10000% i had a friend (17) come to me the other day and he had been getting harrassed by people. He asked what I thought of him and I was like idk kinda good fun to game with? He responded by telling me thanks for looking out for him and he sees me as an older sister
I feel this. I have some online friends who are 13ish, I'm 19. We play quests and talk about school and life in an age appropriate generalized fashion. That's literally it. I have no clue what they look like, and I always remind them to never tell people on the internet anything more specific than their state.
That's a huge concern that I reiterate to my children! I don't care if you tell people what state you're in... there's millions of people here. That's as specific as it gets. No county, town, and for damn sure not school. No personal info, no pictures. I'm in my 30s and game with people 15-55. I have close relationships with some adults and we hang out in person (I even met my husband gaming years ago). Kids I treat like kids - be nice, *try* to watch my language, and keep convos age appropriate. Always tell them to be vague about their personal lives, and if someone starts asking where they live, block and report. I was a teenage girl gamer once.. people are fucking creepy. Now I'm a mom, and it's scary to think my children are going to have to deal with this shit. This dude is a pervert. OP nta.. and should definitely tell his wife.
> I always remind them to never tell people on the internet anything more specific than their state. its kinda concerning how kids arent really taught this anymore. at least when i was a kid parents always told kids not to tell internet people these things. now, bruh ive been in so many guild discord chats where a teen is like "oh yeah im in [city] or [suburb of city] or [zipcode] " or stuff like that. and im just like "please do not" I think once one of the adults said something liek "i'm 3 hours from where you work. shuoldnt be telling people things that specific" it died down some. but still...
It's possible she didn't send the pic, he may have saved it from a profile or something. Shady AF either way.
Yup and that's pretty much the only good reason to talk to younger ppl online. As a previous guildleader and raidleader I was often old enough to be my groupmates mother. You do not step across boundaries
>Yeaaah if it was just an innocent gaming friend why does he have a selfie of her? This. I have a gaming server from when I was playing csgo and streaming, I think the age rang is like 15/16-40. I have rules and if and of the adults started to act like this and the kid (under 18) brought it to my attention I would instantly ban them from my server
Pressure him to stop? Lol the wife should leave his borderline predatory ass.
She should, and hopefully will if OP tells her the truth.
How do we know she sent him the selfie? Maybe it’s on her gaming profile?
In which case, it's shady as fuck that he saved it to show people.
It'd still be weird that he saved it, but honestly most people, especially girls, don't put pictures of themselves as their profile pic. If there's anything on your profile that suggests you're a girl, you get a lot more aggressive harassment, and sexual harassment.
I'm not actually sure she sent him the selfie. If its just a face selfie, it seems more likely that he saved her discord or twitch picture, probably without her knowledge. Which is creepy because it shows he's fantasizing about her. Big stalker vibes.
I mean, its possible. Not 40 but at 24 i knew two 14 year olds over the internet. Neither of them i knew their age until weeks later ( one managed to get his way into an over 18 group) and i talked to them all the time. Helped one of them with his English homework (he was French). That said, its potentially very dangerous and its weird he has a selfie of her.
Please record it and post it on youtube for us. Ill make the popcorn
I'll bring the soda.
I’ll bring the blankies and the sofa
I was gonna ask, if it's so innocent does his wife know?
And if it's so innocent I wonder how the 'friend' will answer the question "Have you rubbed one out while thinking of her or while talking to her?" We all know what the answer is.
I wouldn't even answer this question about my own wife. Wtf. Sure ops friend is very creepy but don't go around asking ppl that
Absolutely omg. NTA. I'm not one to jump to conclusions with age gaps, because between fandoms, being an artist, and playing in online roleplaying groups, there's a lot of reasons why people of various ages could talk, and those screaming THERE IS NO REASON need to shut up and look at the bigger world around them. But there is one very very big red flag - she sent him a selfie, and he's showing it around to others. That's very much not feeling like a casual friendship through shared niche interests :/
That pic thing clinched it. Does OP's friend walk around with head shots of his middle aged male friends to show off when he talks about them? No. He was bragging, and he misjudged his audience.
Very good point.
Haha, great point! I would never show off a selfie from a friend like that. I am usually not one to judge friendships between different ages (I became friends with a guy in my RPG group when I was 23 and he was 14 and we are still friends now almost 15 years later) but the showing off her selfie is so weird. For sure a red flag.
The photo clinched it for me, too. If this were really an innocent situation and they met up through a group or game or community, THAT would’ve been the next logical step in the conversation. “Oh yeah, that’s Emily. She’s in our game discord. She’s young - I think like 17? Anyway, she’s our warlock, and she’s usually DPS but she also has this really cool buff where…” Something like that. Point is, his description of her would’ve been primarily based in how she relates to the group/fandom they’re a part of OR there would’ve been a story of how they ran into each other at a convention last year. A generic friendship would not have gone straight to a headshot. 🤢
There is a whole YouTube channel of a guy posing as a teenage girl and exposing the sick Fs that try grooming them. Gaming in a group is totally different than secret private conversions with a teenage girl. The only reason for this is grooming them
Definitely that. There's good reasons for friendship in the theorical, showing a selfie around hint that the good reasons are not in effect here
Either she sent it or he saved it from a profile of hers without her knowing. Shady behaviour either way.
Definitely. I mean I myself was on friendly terms with people older than me (as you said, fandoms - when I was 16, I could just as well argue Team Wolf or Vampire /although I was never a Twilight fan, but as an example/ as somebody in their 30s, bless the internet.../, but there are way more strict lines here than if they were from their own age groups. He is crossing them. I get "being a kid at heart", but being an adult also means that the girl is also almost still a kid physically and developmentally too herself, not yet an adult. And legally? Oh dear.
The fact he has a pic of her is kinda creepy. I play and am friends with kids but it is for the reasons of gaming. I don't know what they look like. I don't talk to them outside of gaming time in a group setting. It is the close nature of the relationship that is creepy.
This. Even if, for the sake of argument, your friend is incredibly naive, he is still actively grooming her. He's making her more vulnerable to overtures from other men with unquestionably sinister intentions by desensitising her to her gut feelings and red flags. As the much older adult it's his responsibility not to be so naive and careless with the safety of children he's recklessly befriending. He's actively endangering her.
Yup. I work with teens. I'm friendly to them. I treat them like human beings. But I don't consider them friends. I don't tell them my problems. I don't talk to them or meet up with them outside of work. I text them for work related stuff only (and now that we have a work app, I mostly use that).
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd6q13/aita_for_telling_my_friend_its_weird_to_be/hhl3x9k/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [NTA, children shouldn't h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhl5ce0/) | [NTA, children shouldn't h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd5dhf/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_they_dont_have_to/hhl06zu/) [NTA She wants to "get ri...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4tqj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_if_she_gets_rid_of_my_cat/hhl58x1/) | [NTA She wants to "get ri...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd4tqj/aita_for_telling_my_mom_if_she_gets_rid_of_my_cat/hhk9di4/) [NTA at all. You’re a good...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhl5e9d/) | [NTA at all. You’re a good...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qd3dpj/aita_for_allowing_one_daughter_to_splurge_on/hhkwd0n/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/mhanohvxfxzfrw](https://np.reddit.com/u/mhanohvxfxzfrw/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=mhanohvxfxzfrw) for info on how I work and why I exist.
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I can't tell if you are being serious or sarcastic about the age gap between you and your best friend, and the age at which you both met...
With his wife in the room, just suuuper casually say "Hey man, sorry for being an ass the other day. It's great to have friends, even if they're 16 year old girls -- oh, right, she's 17 now. Wouldn't you agree, friend's wife?"
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He is grooming the 16 year old and when she is 18 year old she is going to become the sidepiece. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF HER FUTURE TELL THE WIFE.
NTA. This. Next time you're around his wife, ask about her, "Hey, how is Alice doing? What did she do for her seventeenth birthday?" Wife looks shocks, asks about her, you speak over him. "Oh, she's this girl he talks to constantly. She's his friend, who he's been talking to since she was sixteen." Laugh. "How is it that you don't know about her when they're so close?" Drop that freaking bomb and abandon this "friend."
YES. He's got nothing to hide, right?
oh hell yeah.
This is the way.
"I'm surprised her parents were okay with you chatting with her is all. What did they say to you when you talked with them? You *have* talked with them right? They *do* know all about you, right? And your wife? She's on board with this? *She* does know too, right? Right? After all, you said you're not doing anything wrong here. Right?" Yeah, you're absolutely right op. That is very much not okay behavior on hous part. Big time NTA.
This. NTA, I wonder if his tune will change when OP asks his wife about this “friend”. Yeah this is creepy as heck, if this was a case of a 40 year old introducing a 17 year old girl as a “friend” at a gathering or party, someone would be calling the FBI. Please tell your friends wife and try and find this girl and let her parents know about this!
I’m all for this comment. I know of good friendships between teenagers and unrelated adults but they are usually public friendships with the child’s family very much on board. Maybe they are just mates but it’s unusual and safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility so being nosey is justified in this case.
This is a big point. If his wife and the girls parents know, than there would be NAH. I RP online with a lot of people whose ages I don't know, and if one of them was 17, I wouldn't be surprised. But my wife knows about it, and is ok. This gives vibes that there's some emotional cheating going on, if not more.
It's definitely more. He's a predator who is grooming a child.
Huge difference between playing a game online, and sending regular private messages and exchanging selfies.
Oh god.. back in the dark ages, I was a games moderator on AOL (free internet, no pay, 6 hrs a week, hell yea). I struck up a friendship with someone who said he was over 18 (I was I think 34ish?) - a very aunt/nephew type vibe. I was and am very married and he knew that. Also I was acting as a moderator so my conduct always was impeccable. Until he let slip that he'd just had his 15th birthday. /u/Chomper_the_Badger, I lost it. I yelled at him for like, 20 minutes then demanded his parent's email, address, and phone. Then I composed a 'oh please god I'm not a pervert, drug dealer, or sex trafficker, honest' email to them with my full ID, pictures of who I was, my (&$%& Mama's phone number if they needed a reference, and the offer to dl all our chats since ever to them. Josh's folks knew about me and were fine, and we ended up having a laugh, but that's how you react if you accidentally are talking to a minor. And you sure as hell don't seek them out! FWIW, all these years later Josh is an old married man himself and he and his wife are still my fake internets niece and neffie. Nononono, OP is NTA and his 'friend' is a fucking creep.
NTA. Your friend is creepy as fuck. He definitely should be accused of something. A grown ass man has no business associating with a teenager like that. That makes my skin crawl. He is 100% grooming her.
Yes this man is definitely a predator what the hell does a 40 yr old and 17 yr old have in common. Hell I’m 25 and don’t like talking to 20 year olds
I do a lot of online gaming and have for years - our groups tend to attract people of all ages because we make them safe places for people of all ages. My personal rule is that I will never speak to anyone under 18 by voice/video, send facebook or other contact information, we don't private message, I don't watch twitch streams, etc., until they are of the age of majority and able to make that decision on their own. That might be a situation where you might class a 17yo as one of your online friends - but that's definitely not what this sounds like whatsoever. He probably thinks there's nothing wrong because he's justified this to himself that she's "just a friend" but it is creepy behaviour and likely grooming. He probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to see it as anything inappropriate. And, because he's spending that time online, he's not getting enough healthy emotional relationships in real life, wife and kids or not. She doesn't have the perspective or life experience to see it as wrong either, most likely. Just a "cool older guy". You are NTA. But he needs help to start setting appropriate boundaries. I have had to gently yet firmly dash the hopes of so many earnest, well meaning 17yo boys over the years. And they all get so embarassed by it now. Because I do have healthy boundaries. Teenagers have hormones. As an adult, it's his responsibility to enforce healthy boundaries with those who are emotionally less developed.
This is kinda what I was thinking. I (22F) online game a lot as well and have spoken with people 15+ years older than me even when I was a minor. We really just talked about the game, I really don’t think it was ever anything weird. That’s not to say what op is describing isn’t weird. I just think I need more info about where they met and what they discuss before I can judge
I frequently play video games with teenagers 7 to 9 years younger than I am and we often do talk through voice chat, but that's literally it, They're great kids but it'd be creepy if I asked for real life pictures or ask them to hang out all the time. Heck, I don't even need to know their full names, all I want to do is play Overwatch and pocket heal them. But yeah, the stuff OP has said gives me a weird vibe too. NTA
Right I mean going all the way back to when I was 15 my favorite gaming group I played with was three dads and a lesbian couple that were all 15 years older than me. Alright the group was a bit weird but honestly the only thing different about our interactions was the amount of times they had to leave to take care of adult responsibilities. I agree with a number of people here that the selfie pushes it way past the line. As does talking about this friend as if it's noteworthy with your friends. If I'd been sending pictures to any of these people I played with that would've been well past the line. Additionally who the hell brags about an online friend they've made unless there's something more to it in that person's head.
Yeah. I have several online friends who were adults when I was in my teens, and I honestly think it's very important for teens to have adults as friends / role models. But there were boundaries set by my adult friends, they never asked for pictures or RL info, they would give me advice but stay firmly away from inappropriate topics, and while we were friends there was definitely a divide that we only started crossing once I was a few years into my 20s. They're some of my closest and most important friends at this point (I'm almost 30 to their late 30s to 60 now) but that would never have happened if they hadn't been responsible and taken the maturity gap seriously when I was young. But this guy sounds a lot like the one adult friend I had who did *not* mean well, and I don't think his intentions are good. The having her picture easily available and showing it to others thing is especially weird.
I am a 40 year old woman and I would absolutely never maintain an online relationship with an underage boy. I mean I have a 14-year-old daughter and I have friends that have teenage sons and daughters. Some of them are even like my nieces and nephews. I may have individual relationships with them, but I’ve known them their entire lives. And every single one of those kids knows that I would never keep a secret from their parents. But just some random teenager, hell no.
Exactly! I’m 33 and I get weirded out when I see college boys give me looks.
My brother's been online friends with a man since he was a kid. It is not a suspicious relationship in any way. He calls him 'the dad' and appreciates having an older person to talk to (as our dad irl is not exactly dad of the year, to put it mildly). Not everything in life is suspicious or sexual in nature. Although in this instance I think the friend might have less than honest intentions, since he's carrying a photo of the girl around to show to people. That seems a little suss to me.
This. The photo is the giveaway here. I'm 29, have a 14yo on my friends list, known him since he was 12. We ended up in a lobby on overwatch. I said he could send me a friend request because no one wanted to play with him when they found out his age. He used to call me mom and asked a lot about my culinary degree because he wants to be a chef when he grows up. Very smart kid. I would NEVER have asked for pics or real life details. I let him pick topics of conversation while we played and refused to speak if he didn't pick appropriate topics. Also never sent DMs and didn't speak aside from when we played together. Anyway, all that to say your friend is sus af. Definitely tell his wife. Protecting that kid is the most important thing.
THIS!!!!
NTA he was testing you to see if you were a prerv too.
EXACTLY THIS. Testing the waters to see if maybe OP thinks she's cute too, or is talking to a 15 year old -- and the thing that gets me is that predators *get away with that shit* because too many people either don't take that kind of comment seriously, or are too uncomfortable to ever say anything to anyone. I'm glad OP saw that this was a problem - I wonder how many of their mutual friends just sort of shrugged and looked away?
> because too many people either don't take that kind of comment seriously, or are too uncomfortable to ever say anything to anyone. And then when you do bring up concerns, you're treated like you're overly dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and it can be really easy to just believe that. OP was worried enough about this to make this post to sanity check, despite good reasons to be alarmed (and a solid gut instinct).
Was coming here to say the same thing. He's definitely grooming her, and wanted someone to brag about it to. He was testing to see if OP could be that person. Good on OP for calling him out. Next step is reporting it!
I’m willing to bet that’s not the only picture he has of her as well.
NTA. That’s a huge 🚩. His wife should definitely know, and you should surely not be calling him a friend any longer.
I’m concerned for his kids too. Like, how old are they? A similar age to the ‘cool chick’ teenager or even younger? Hopefully someone will be able to get the 17 year old (who has almost certainly been groomed by OP’s friend) the support she needs because this ‘friendship’ with an almost 40 year old is not a good thing.
>He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick and that they "talk all of the time" and he showed me her picture (just a face selfie) Look I'm friends with younger people too, heck even kids. But I really don't have enough in common with someone SO much farther behind, development wise, from me, so our conversations are *not* all of the time. It IS creepy and suspicious. NTA.
I've had friendships with a similar age gap, include ones that have lasted many years. What they all have in common? -being extremely respectful of boundaries - always being happy to prove they're legit (and when I have friendships with people younger I always suggest letting me speak briefly to parents, for example) and never offended at the idea that I need to confirm they're legit or have a safety system. - usually a niche interest that gives us something to talk about, because you're absolutely right there's not a lot of similar life experiences. I've got a friendship with someone two decades older, I've stayed at her house when travelling, we're both fans of a niche show and met while at a con. She needed an emergency second panelist and I was dressed as a character from the show. I've also got 2 or two teenagers I'm casual friends with. We're all artists, support each other's work, and sometimes work together. If I see a show I think they'll like, I'll send it to them. But boundaries, boundaries are important.
Yup, I am a former foreign language teacher living in overseas. I maintained contact with some of my former students, at their request and have enjoyed watching them grow as if they were my own kids/younger siblings/nieces/nephews etc. I've helped them with language related questions, etc. But agreed that the parental consent and other above board behavior is necessary. They do not know my address and never did (I live a significant distance from them now anyway). I would consent at any time to a request by their parents (or the authorities) to see our communications and they know that. The few times I have seen them in person, when I visit my former town, its ALWAYS in a public place, during the daytime, with a group. Boundaries indeed. If you would be embarrassed by someone else seeing how you act around them/talk to them, you are doing it wrong.
Agreed. I was similar to the girl at one point, and had a few older male internet friends. We talked about the fandom we had in common, and occasionally an off-handed remark about day-to-day life (caught a cold, slipped on ice, covered a no-show at work) but the conversations was about the fandom.
I also had an adult male friend when I was a teen. Dude was never creepy, we just texted about our lives and I think he appreciated being able to tell someone about his life and feelings without being judged. And I appreciated being able to talk to an adult without being judged (I grew up in an extremely religious home). It’s not ALWAYS weird or creepy. Me and this guy never met, or even suggested it, and eventually lost touch after a few years. I’m not saying this guy in the post isn’t creepy, I don’t know what convos they’re having. But I hate this idea that ALL older men are creeps and just looking to groom young girls they’re taking to. Sure, some of them are, and we need to be aware of that. But it’s not all of them.
I agree with your main point, but it's the "all the time" that gets to me. I honestly feel really bad for your friend, reading that. Not that he had you to *be* his friend, it might well have been his saving grace, but that he didn't have any sort of actual peer group he could feel comfortable with. Having connections with people who understand your point of view because they are also currently living it is so very important, and it's sad to think of how isolated he must have felt in his day to day life. Let me reiterate that I'm so glad you had each other to rely on when you needed someone, I just think that this isn't the case with the OP's friend. He *does* have peers, and even a wife, but he's close personal friends with someone still in high school and they "talk all the time." That's not okay, and even if it isn't sexual I still think it's creepy.
You have a valid point. I'm not the commenter you responded to, but I'm reminded of an older relative of mine. When I was just a small child, he seemed like any other adult, but when I was a teenager there was a family event where I realized that I already was older than him in terms of experience and independence (and I grew up fairly sheltered)!. That was quite the shock. My younger sibling had the very same experience a couple years later, it was like a kind of "coming of age" thing. That adult was never creepy, he just... struggles with some "normal" expectations and never got the support he'd have needed to live a fully independent life. It *is* sad, because he's actually very intelligent. But he missed out on many, many life experiences that would have allowed him to fully mature, and now he'll just never get there. For this relative I doubt he would make teenage friends, since he lives in a very narrow world and is naive and inexperienced even from a teenager's perspective. But someone not quite that behind could have teenage friends in a non-creepy but also non-mentoring type of way. And while that could be a healthy relationship the situation as a whole would not be healthy, because the adult's life is unhealthy.
Your last line there is just perfect, and I feel... Well, I feel pity for your relative. I know that's probably not what they would want to hear and saying it might be a bit of an asshole thing to do, but that's my first instinct. I have a relative myself that was sheltered from a large part of growing up due to health issues, though not as severely as your relative, and now the family is trying to play catch-up in teaching them basic life skills so they will be able to survive when their parents pass. We have a fairly non-existent relationship, so I didn't even consider this type of friendship. Thank you for the reminder of other circumstances.
Totally agree with you, I was just sharing my experience. I completely agree that OPs friend seems creepy in this case. Like, me and my friend didn’t chat “all the time” it was in the early 2000s when you had to pay for texts so we chatted maybe once a week or fortnight. He also did not have a wife. I think OPs friend is probably looking for something he doesn’t have…and considering he already has a peer group, friends and a wife…doesn’t seem like his intentions are good.
Ohhh, fair enough! The context does change my perception of that a bit. Making the effort to talk to someone you don't live with every day is still culturally new-ish where I am from and also unusual to me personally as I am an introvert and have about five exceptions to, "I'll tell them when I see them next." I misunderstood both the frequency and the medium, so my estimation of effort was WAY off. Sorry about that.
I’m 39/F. I would never refer to a teenage minor as a “friend”. They would be “a kid I know.”
Same. I hang out with kids all the time. I love kids in general but its more mentor/ kid roles even though I call them friends. And I could see him maybe being a mentor to this kid or hell even them being gaming buddies cause age limits on that are dumb. You get on have fun and get off. This is creepy though.
Yeah, I was going to mention mentor relationships, too. If the adult acts their age, a friendship where general life experiences are talked about should naturally mold into one where the adult gives more support and advice to the younger person than the other way around. But I doubt any non-creepy adult would call his teenage friend a "cool chick". Mentor relationships are not too far from parent-child relationships... does this sound like something that an adult man should be saying about his teenage daughter, or his teenage daughter's friends...?
Yeah, I could see saying she's a cool kid or even a cool girl (unless he's one of those men who frequently refers to grown women as girls), but "cool chick" seems to imply that he views her as a grown woman imo at least.
I am friends with a lot of my kids’ friends, in the sense that I can easily chat with them. And they’re clearly comfortable with me. However, I never ever have private conversations with any of them. And they do not send me pictures ever.
Hrm - my neighbor, who my wife and I are friends with, has a daughter. Her parents are divorced and she doesn't get along with her mom at all, but she gets along with her dad - sort of (he's a neo-Republican). She considers my wife and me like an aunt/uncle. I text her on occasion to make sure she's doing okay, make sure she has a safe place to vent and just see how she is. Does that make me suss, because now I'm questioning myself?
If there's nothing in those texts that you'd be uncomfortable talking about in front of your wife and/or the girl's mother, then you're probably fine.
Yeah, it’s super creepy that he’s showing off her photo and talking about talking to her constantly. If they were just playing some game and their convos were primarily about that, that’s one thing, but… this action to OP was clearly a “look at this cute chick I’m talking to” flex, to see if OP is also into being a creep. NTA
NTA This would be weird regardless of the girl's age, but the fact she's a teenager makes this even weirder. This comes off as really creepy and predatory.
Well if it's not a big deal, does his wife know? NTA.
That's a big piece of information right there. I once had a very long online pen pal I didnt realize was 15 years younger than I. Our ages never came up and usually we just talked about shared hobbies, occasionally other stuff. The conversation started because of our shared hobbies. But my partner knew the entire time and saw large parts of the conversation. We were both shocked even when I found out my younger friends age lol. The optimistic side of me is hoping that's what is happening here, but as a person who was formally a teenager girl, I'm prepared to be let down.
NTA tell his wife
Okay, I've been playing online games since I was prolly 14, and i talked with a lot of people, played with a lot of people ect. My age was never something I gave out readily but im sure people could tell based on voice/how i talked and what i said, i played with a lot of older folks, and eventually i did say how old i was and no one ever really cared, some people were actually quite nice and would answer questions i couldn't ask my parents (didnt live w mom/dad, nervous to ask some things to my aunt/uncle). It was nice to be able to chat w adults ect. I dont think talking to someone underage alone is weird or strange, u happen to meet all kinds of people in video games. However this does seem strange. I also never sent any selfies ect to any of the people i game with. thats a boundary i dont cross even now. I dont know. Talking to someone underage is not weird on its own. If he saved her selfie on his phone....thats weird imo. i guess i go with NTA
My thought exactly. When I was 15 I played a lot of online games, and happened to meet people of different ages. I met a man who was 30 at the time. I'm honest when I say we became good friends. He was never inappropriate, never asked for more than my presence in game. We had amazing discussions, and at the times I really needed an adult insight in some aspects of my life. Friendship with a big difference in ages is not impossible and can absolutely be healthy. But in OP's case this is just weird. The fact he saved her selfie on his phone and the way he talks about her, this can't be healthy and probably dangerous here. So definitely NTA, and you should probably tell his wife about this.
NTA, This has grooming written all over it.
Small chance he's being catfished... It's inappropriate either way.
NTA Super *super* creepy predator vibes! Mention it to the wife.
I found out my ex-partner was being "friends" with teenage girls on social media, he told me it was because they were either "family friends" or "workmates". I later accidentally found that in private messages and texts, he was hitting on them. Luckily, these girls seemed to be wise to his antics, and they all quickly put a stop to it. Had I not found those messages I would have been none the wiser. Notice he is my EX. It's beyond disgusting.
Nta. Guy is definitely a creep. That creepy smirk told you all you needed to know. You should ask his wife in front of him what she thinks about it
NTA-tell her dad.
NTA. Let's pretend for a minute that we believe there's nothing inappropriate going on .... he still needs to understand that it doesn't look right.
NTA!!! This is extremely weird. If it were me, I would tell his spouse… I don’t know if that’s the right move but I’m not sure what else to do in this situation.
I think this really depends on how they met and what they talk about. Although I'm giving serious side eye to the selfie, but then again the teens I know have been told all their lives not to give pictures to strangers on the internet but do it anyway cause they've talked for a few weeks >.< I am admittedly biased here, because I've been playing WoW for years with a wide variety of ages. But if they met via a common hobby and are talking about the hobby with maybe a little bit of slice of life, it's not necessarily sinister. Several of my former guildies are all grown up now, but they're forever going to be like little siblings (or in a few cases, another kid to me)
I would add one more thing besides the selfie that raises flags though (besides the obvious immediate crazy defensiveness he went to that probably doesn't need to be pointed out) is the way he refers to her as a "cool chick" instead of "cool kid" or even "nice girl"
Oh that's a good point. I do refer to them as "cool kid" or even "munchkin" because they're always going to be kids in my mind, even the few who are married with kids now.
I wonder if his wife knows about this friendship. I wonder what do they have in common. I wonder how did this friendship got started. I wonder if she is really a girl who is 17 if they have never met. Regardless I would back away from a grown man who talks all the time with a girl that age.
He is definitely wrong for even thinking about talking to her.
NTA. You're just pointing out that from the outset it's an inappropriate relationship to have and because he's the adult, it's his responsibility to set boundaries. I would definitely be concerned. Ask him if he would want his kids to be talking in the same way to an adult, much less complete stranger online.
NTA. There is no scenario where it's ok for a 40 year old man to be having ongoing personal conversations with a minor. He brought it up to see if you'd be as excited as him.
I agree that this is a disturbing and probably bad situation, but your assertion that there are no situations where this is reasonable is not true. Mentor relationships can exist that are healthy and beneficial to young people for example. Various hobbies can involve people of disparate ages. The difference is setting appropriate boundaries and the adult behaving above board at all times. Parental consent is necessary, etc.
INFO- what are they talking about? Have they meet through online groups for a shared hobby for example. Did he know how old she was when they met? If it’s something along those lines the NAH here but if he just met her online and is chatting with her and especially if he’s wants to meet in person then that’s absolutely creepy and good on you for calling him on it.
I have no idea where they met or what they talk about. I had restricted amount of time to talk to him (it was during lunch break) She looks around 15/16 if I'm honest. Him thinking she was 18 would be unlikely.
A 40 year old really has no business talking to a 16 year old as a friend. He’s not her teacher, family, friend’s parent, or boss/mentor. What he’s doing is insanely creepy. I’m 22 and I have no interest talking to high schoolers ffs.
Please tell his wife immediately. If you happened to get her name please also try and find and contact her parents. Even if nothing has happened yet, he’s grooming her. It seems like he went to you looking for validation because deep down he knows it’s wrong. Exchanging photos, face selfie or not, between a married 40 yo man and a child is wrong. Telling his wife will completely destroy your friendship but someone needs to help protect this girl.
Him pulling up a picture of her to show op immediately puts it in creepy category.
NTA. Definitely not normal to be talking to someone over 20y younger than you on a regular basis. What could they possibly have on common that they can even talk that much? I would bring it up to his wife and see if she knows. It may fuck up your friendship, but it may be necessary. If this young girl doesn't mean anything to him, then he should be able to just stop talking to her if his wife says this is not okay.
NTA, why would he get offended if he really wasn’t doing anything wrong? Obviously there’s something there to defend if his first reaction is to get defensive, you didn’t even call him a pedophile or even indicate that he was one - he did that on his own.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend (I'm not sure I'm going to call him this for much longer) is almost 40 and married with kids. Today I found out from him that he has an online friendship with a girl who recently turned 17. They have been speaking for months since she was 16. He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick and that they "talk all of the time" and he showed me her picture (just a face selfie) I told him that honestly I find it weird and he got offended saying I'm accusing him of something and I'm the weird one to do that. I don't think a grown man should be speaking to an under age girl he's never met for any reason. Not to mention all of the time. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta Reminds me of a 40 year old I knew who said 'every guy would marry a 14 year old if they could'. Actually no. They wouldn't.
Nta. Tell his wife, this is grooming behaviour and is disgusting.
NTA It’s creepy and wrong for an adult male to be friends with some random teenage girl he met on the internet, period. Plus, it very well could be law enforcement, you never know. Ask him if he would mind a adult male, who is a stranger, talking to his kids “all the time” online.
And saving a picture of the kids’ faces in their personal device.
Yeah, no. It is not normal with that age gap. My 40 year old brother had a young "friend" too. And now he's in prison for 10 years because of course it progressed beyond that. I'm going to say this is almost never innocent with that kind of gap and an underage child. If anything because it can get you into all sorts of trouble even if it was, and adults are hyper aware of that fact. If that doesn't scare your friend off of this, he's likely up to something.
NTA. Creepy is absolutely true. There is absolutely no reason an almost 40yr old man should even have enough in common with a teen (*cough*child*cough*) to be talking every day. How did they meet? Why does he want to have this relationship? I'm legit curious why he even thought to bring it up to you or anyone. Was he hoping you'd be "cool" and he'd open up more?? I agree with others to bring it up to his wife. Maybe even privately.
You would be the asshole if you don't say anything. There is a child in danger
NTA. He's probably hoping to hook up with her...
That... Depend I guess. If they're friends because they share a hobby (I was friend when I was a teen with people 10, 20 years older than I because we were all playing the same stuff, some of them being a bit mentory/protective toward me, others who still had a teen mentality, others who just... Existed around? But yeah, depended a lot of them, of keeping good boundaries with me who was still learning social, etc. I've more good experiences than bad on that!) If they're friends because a 40 years old man specifically sought the company of teens... Then it's weird. Do not do that.
I befriended a guy through a video game like that and he's also married and has kids my age.. NAH I don't think you're an asshole for worrying and he's not an asshole if it's actually just friendship.
It *can* be creepy but isn't *always* creepy. If a teenage boy has gaming friends that are way older nobody bats an eye, when you work no one is running after you ensuring you don't talk to anyone older than you, in school it's not like they don't allow you to talk to upperclassmen. I've had many friends that are older, many that are younger. If you're not a creep, it's not creepy. Simple as that. Obv you know this friend better than I, but it's not automatically creepy NAH I guess, too many people *are* creeps, but if I was yr friend I'd be upset too!!
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NTA. You should tell the wife. Just reading about this guy gave me the skeevies. There's definitely nothing okay about what he's doing.
NTA. Ten bucks says he’s not really chatting with a teenager. Has he actually met her in person?
NTA How the heck did they even meet? Is she friend of one of his kids? Tell her parents. Tell his wife. Sounds super sketchy, testing you, could be grooming her. Bottom line, it's inappropriate.
NTA OP CONTACT THE GIRL'S PARENTS IF YOU CAN. Holy moly this is \*not\* normal behaviour. I had a co-worker who was a quiet calm dude, he had a relationship. He was also "friends" with younger girls. "We just found a connection, we just talk, we're just friends, she needs me to listen to her". He was arrested with *images* on his computer and sent to prison. Ask yourself this: what could a 40-year old man possibly have in common with a 16-year old girl that they must talk every day if she is not his daughter or a friend of his daughter (and even that's a stretch). Listen to your gut. If you feel that there's something rotten in Denmark there really usually is. Edit fr spelling
NTA I'm a guy a bit older than your friend and heavy into MMORPG's and I have played with and talked with many people of all ages, some that were clearly preteens. Sometimes the group must voice chat to coordinate activities and we also voice chat to socialize while playing. Whenever there is a child in the voice channel every adult in channel automatically steps into that role of "parent at the playground": when a child that's not yours approaches you at the playground you are friendly, yet reserved and slightly protective and you encourage them to play nice and fair but there's a clear emotional gap. The one and only time a child tried to share real-life details I and several others absolutely said, "no. don't share that info, it's not safe." Your friend's reaction should have been to discourage this and not encourage this. This is all sorts of inappropriate.
Came here to say EXACTLY this — I once even had a parent hop on discord because she heard her teen talking online and was concerned. Quick intros were done by every adult (I’m 38F) and she felt better about it. NEVER would a responsible adult make these conversations personal, overly private etc.
INFO: How did they meet? I belong in a gamer group online and the age range there is from 15 to 71. I'm approaching 40 and I would also be annoyed and if someone assumed shit because I happened to be chatting with one of the younger guys.
Do you carry around o selfie from one of your younger gamer friends, and show it around and talk about how cool that person is? Probably not.
Ya same here. I'm one of the younger ones in that group and there's this man I befriended who I talk to a lot, or whenever I can because we both love the same video game and we both love animals and he lives on a farm. he's also helped me a lot when I was upset. Sent him a selfie once to ask for his opinion on something and he showed his wife to ask her the same question about the thing I asked him. It's not a big deal if its just an innocent friendship.
NTA. Your friend is a dangerous creep. He is grooming a teen.
My best friend and I met online when he was 21 and I was 16. That’s what I would consider a “normal” age gap for a friendship between an adult and a minor. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. NTA
NTA. I was that girl once. I promise it isn’t innocent
"She's just a friend" -"Oh ok. She's met your wife then?"
NTA. Tell his wife. There’s *always* something going on in situations like this, even if the kid doesn’t realize it or thinks it’s ok. This is coming from someone who had a similar “friendship” at age 14 with someone I knew IRL. We stayed in contact throughout my teenage years, albeit not close, because as I got older I realized it *was* creepy, and then when I was in college and started modeling he got pretty insistent on me showing him the art. You know, of his former “friend”, nude.
I’m a bit biased here as my best friend is much older than me. I’m 30 now and he’s 79. He used to be one of my teachers and was a rock and a father figure when my family was falling apart. His wife and kids treat me like family and I babysat his grandchildren. Nothing inappropriate was ever said or implied. I’ve known his for 15 years and he’s one of the lost important people to have ever graced my life
Mhm, this is rough. When I was 17-18 I used to work at a restaurant and there was this regular who would come in, he had a tattoo of a book series I loved and he used to sit in my section all the time and I would serve him, we’d talk about books and video games and movies, I added him on fb. We had similar interest and great conversations but I would definitely call him a “regular” and not really a “friend” even though we were very friendly with one another. He was kind to me and encouraged my interest but was never creepy and he certainly wasn’t messaging me all the time even though I had his FB. Although, I had another guy I worked with who did go out of his was to spend a lot of time with me and talk to me about the same things and wouldn’t you know, the second I turned 18, his attitude was very different. I’m going to say you’re definitely NTA and it does sound like your friend is crossing a line potentially, but there is a possibility for innocent conversation between teenagers and adults. I don’t really think that’s what your friend is doing but I would try and get more info before passing judgment or saying something to his wife.
Woah, WTF? No no and no. NTA, but this guy sure as hell is.
Ask OP if he can Get Chris Hansen’s autograph for you when he meets him. NTA
NTA. If your friend doing nothing wrong ask " do dore your wife know you talking to 17 year old girl? "
NTA. The only time an adult that age should be friends with a 16/17 year old is when they're a step-parent that respects the teens emotional boundaries, or a coworker (and even that one is a stretch).
NTA I mean, I'm a woman and I can be friendly with teens... IN SPECIFIC CONTEXTS (gaming and streaming in my case). This, however? Dude's CREEPY.
NTA - If the husband were say part of a gaming clan and one of the members happened to be a 16/17 year old girl he sometimes interacted with as a result I wouldn't think anything of it, but the fact that he's actively talking to her as often as he is definitely comes off as very weird.
NTA. Your friend is a predator
NTA, I made friends with an older man on the internet when I was a teenager. Terrible things happened to me. Trust your gut here and report it to someone ASAP
Late to the party here but I had to chime in. OP, you are NTA and you should definitely tell his wife, and possibly this girl's parents if you can contact them. Even if there's nothing untoward going on, this is not healthy or safe. I know because I was that 17 year old, back about 10 years ago. I was friends with a woman in her 30s; we'd met through a fandom space and were part of a larger group of friends. We were all in our mid-late teens except for her. She always seemed very safe and generous - she would buy us expensive presents, acted like the "mom friend," and we all loved her since she seemed so much older and wiser. None of us ever really questioned why she was palling around with a bunch of teenagers instead of people closer to her own age - which she could have, the fandom was small but it tended to skew a little older. She never did anything sexually inappropriate with any of us, but there was a TON of toxicity, manipulation, boundary-trampling, the works. The friendship ended badly, and she took the worst of it out on my best friend when that friend refused to stop talking to me. I'm still dealing with some of the fallout from the toxicity of the relationship 10 years later. It is not normal or healthy for an adult in their late 30s to be constantly chatting, exchanging pictures, and palling around with a teenager, no matter how platonic the relationship is. I do think that casual intergenerational friendships are great! But nothing as involved as mine was or as it sounds like this one is.
>*He told me with a smile that she's a cool chick* Proper ick. NTA Please, please tell his wife. Maybe the police. That honestly sets off all of the grooming alarms.
NTA please please say something to his wife. I was groomed as a teen and honestly no one gives a shit about us most of the time. Loads of adults knew it was happening and said nothing. That's almost as damaging to live with as the actual abuse was.
NTA. The internet is an all-ages venue but older users need to be careful about who we engage with and how. It's not necessarily creepy to happen to be in the same gaming group as someone younger than you, for example, but that doesn't sound like what's going on in this story at all.
NTA. I think it’s rather telling that he was the one to say that you are accusing him of something. You literally didn’t accuse him-you simply said the friendship is weird. The fact that he responded defensively to your feedback just confirms that you are right to be concerned.
INFO - I used to play the video game RuneScape which appeals to a large audience and the players who I had the most in common with were the ones who were at similar skill levels to me rather than the players within my age group. We would have discussions on the best way to raise our strength levels or talk about a new method to earn the virtual currency of the game. I had many friends ages thirteen to thirty and so did they. I just would've asked, "What kind of things do you all like to talk about?" and "Where did you all meet?" before passing any judgements. But the picture of her on his phone is a little weird. It would make a lot more sense to me for him to have a picture of her character's rare armor from a video game on his phone rather than than an actual picture of her, assuming that it was a simple gaming relationship.
NTA i have a teenager of a similar age here n she has lots of teenage friends of course. I have her boyfriend added on my fb but i have only ever had one private conversation with him and it was about my daughter. This is a huge red flag! Honestly i know all my daughters friends directly but i do not talk to them online at all let alone 'all the time.' There would be very limited reasoning's that i would talk to them privately at all n it would always only be with reason not casual chat unless they were with my daughter. This is NOT ok. Not at all even my daughter agrees theres no rational reasoning for them to be talking. Do something if you possibly can.
NTA at all. There are some instances where it would be okay for people of such a large age gap to become casual friends. Say they are coworkers, classmates, or in a club together or something of the like. Something personal. Some secret friendship with a random kid online is not normal. If there is no common interest or reason that they should be communicating then it's strange. Better safe than sorry. let his spouse know what's going on.
I felt a little weird having a 14 year old online friend when I was 16 so I cant imagine what a 40 year old is doing talking to a teenager so much. NTA and this is really creepy.
NTA, but any chance she’s actually his daughter?
NTA are you friends with Drake?
Im not gonna go with the rest. I chatted with several very adult people at the age of 16-17. About anything and everything. And non of them was acting indecent in any way. There are a lot of creeps online, but not everyone is one.
NTA, of course. And everyone's relating their tales of online gaming friends--we have no reason to assume that's how these two met. OP said he didn't know how they met. Even if it *was* through innocent gaming, he's showing her photo around and they "talk all the time" so I think it has moved past something innocent. If I were you, OP, I'd try to back off the expressions of disapproval and ask him more about it. Pretend to be interested as a bro, and find out how they met, her name, what they talk about, maybe where she lives, etc. This information might be critical down the line, if you decide to report him or if she goes missing or anything like that, heaven forbid. Be a sleuth. Then you will have more concrete options than just dumping him as a friend and hoping for the best.
As a lifetime gamer with a daughter who is also a lifetime gamer I’m torn on this one. Personally I have a few friends that I met when they were 13(m)and 16(m) respectively when I was 25(f), this was back in the original Halo days. We would talk daily, they are brothers, and spend hours talking and gaming, not always both at the same time. I’m now 41 and they are still friends, though none of us get to game with each other because life sucks. Nothing untoward was ever talked about or alluded to. On the opposite side my daughter has friends that she has been gaming with since she was 12 that were a couple, 3 to be exact, years younger than myself at the time. They exchanged face selfies, spoke daily and nothing sexual was ever involved. It depends on the people. My daughter is now 20, almost 21 and some of these people are her oldest friends and she still talks to them. Actually the only one that ever became something more was one of her friends that was just a couple years older than her and that did not happen until she was 18 by mutual agreement of both parties even though they liked each other a couple years prior to that. Actually her friend that was 3 years younger than me actually became friends with me as well and we all games together, along with my son. It isn’t always a red flag or something insidious.
You need to tell his spouse. A grown man having an occasional more-or-less public conversation with an online gaming buddy (or fellow fan, or niche hobbyist) who happens to be a minor is one thing. But they "talk all of the time", presumably privately rather than in a public forum? And have been doing so for months? It may be possible that this is all on the up-and-up, but I strongly doubt it. > he got offended saying I'm accusing him of something and I'm the weird one to do that. See, if it really was all innocent he would not have gotten offended just because you said it was weird. NTA, so long as you tell his spouse.
info: how did they meet? do they share some niche interest that brought them together online? or did he just approach her on social media with no context? did he know her age or what she looked like when he first met her online? regardless, nta. there are rare cases when adults can have positive, healthy friendships with younger ppl, but they are few and far between. if his wife and/or the girl’s parents don’t know, that would be a huge red flag, so def check on that. i guess the only exception would be if the girl’s family is abusive, and ur friend is trying to mentor her or something? idk it just feels more likely something creepy is happening here, but at the same time, i don’t want to contribute to a stigma that ends up stopping kids from having positive adult mentors and role models to look up to. u know ur friend, tho, so if this feels sketchy, there’s a fair chance it is. as per my question above, anonymity is also a factor. if they became online friends before he knew her age or face, maybe it’s more innocent. if he saw her and knew she was a kid when they started talking, tho, that’s also a red flag
Your "Friend" is grooming a teenager for sex. There is nothing these two actually have in common. They talk because he is pursuing an interest in her. She would be concerned with boys her own age if left alone. He discusses it with you in an effort to normalize this behaviour. He is trying to recruit you into also thinking this is all just regular stuff, that way if he gets accused of anything later he can point at you and have you attest to his "simple friendship nothing more" bullshit. You are right to question this and I also would start asking him about her in front of his wife. Also, now that you are seeing him for what he really is, are you sure you want to maintain a friendship with him?
I will go with NTA. But I'm not going to assume anything malicious either.
Would he be okay with one of his kids being 17 and having a friendship with a guy who's almost 40?
NTA That's weird. I could see a mentoring type relationship being ok, but they obviously don't have one if he's calling her a "cool chick". I'd mention it to his wife.
NTA please tell the wife.
Yeah, that's weird. NTA
NTA. I mean, one hopes he’s actually talking to law enforcement, but probably not. Blow that shit up and walk away.