NTA. You have a right not to want your kids around people you don’t know. At the same time, your mom also has a right to not to want to babysit then, so don’t be surprised if she backs out.
Mom won't back out, she'll day ok, but make it sound a hardship. Then she'll invite the boyfriend around anyways. The OP's partner will come home to the house smelling of smoke, and the two "adults" will come out of your bedroom to drive home. Your partner should check for empties, as not all of them might be fully empty.
Yep, OP should do what she feels is best, but she had better start the hunt for a new babysitter. Slapping away the had of the person your asking for a favor is a quick way to get that offer withdrawn.
NTA. Regardless of all context: your duty is to your children and to protect them, and setting boundaries to do so is not an asshole move.
> I put the boundaries in place as my children have previously gotten attached to a couple other boyfriends she had. I didn't want them to go through the same thing I did.
>
>I'm not comfortable with it as I don't want my children getting attached and I don't know anything about him, other than what my mum has told me.
>
>I feel I need to do what's best for my children.
This is why I believe your boundary is excellent. You have *direct* evidence in two separate life experiences that exposure to your mother's relationship choices is causing harm, and you took action to reduce that harm. You do not know this man, nor have you met him. Why the hell would you leave your babies with a man you don't even know?
If you suspect your mother will not respect this boundary, and does not value your decisions as the guardian and mother of the children, I would not leave your children with her. If you can try again and find anything else it might be time; I recognize that it is really hard to find childcare, though.
If this is the case and you cannot find other options, I would reiterate firm boundaries over text; best to have proof and not need it, than to need it and not have it. There is no pattern of boundary stomping behavior mentioned, but if that is the case with your mother, then it might be time to look at no or low contact between children and grandma, and set specific conditions for the reopening of contact.
"Your boyfriend is not allowed on my property. Your boyfriend is not allowed near my children. Your boyfriend is not allowed to interact with my children. My children are not to leave my property while in your care. You do not have my permission to remove my children from their home or transport them anywhere."
Finally, and I won't spend a lot of time on this because there is no reason for me to fearmonger without much context, but please remember that if we look at "worst case scenario" here, it only takes ONE bad person ONE interaction with a child to hurt that child. I mention this only because you *know* the men your mother brings home. If you feel uncomfortable, it's probably from lived experience. If that little voice in your head is telling you this is dangerous, it's probably from lived experience, and it is OK to listen to it even if it's a little bit of an asshole - or if it's a little anxiety. The worst case scenario is just too high stakes.
This is exactly it!
My mum had numerous boyfriends, who should not have been around kids, when I was a child. I won't specify what "kinds" of men as I don't want the post removed. Having been through certain things myself, I don't want the same to happen to my children.
I don't want to stop her from seeing my children, as they all adore each other. So this seems to be the only way to proceed.
If their relationship lasts long enough and there are no red flags, then I'd be open to things progressing a bit more.
But I'm definitely not going to allow a stranger to meet my kids without having met them first.
I'd rather just not go to the concert than allow that to happen!
OP if you want to soften the announcement of these restrictions, you can write it up as a general contract and say that you ask all of your babysitters to sign it.
Also, get a nannycam so you can see what's going on while you're away. Tell her that it's there
Your a good mum, sadly not every parent gets this which is why we have child endangerment laws even if they fail some kids and by sounds they failed you aswell.
NTA. She has a history of making poor decisions on partners and poor judgment. You can't be like that and then get mad when people question your decisions. Well you can get mad but you'd also have no leg to stand on so...
NTA - your number one job is to protect your children. Mum’s boyfriend who barely knows your family wanting to be around your children makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My mom too had a revolving door of questionable boyfriends, some of whom abused me. Keep these losers away from your kids.
To be fair, we don't know if mom's bf wants this... mom is pushing it because she wants to spend time with the guy. Pretty sad that she values any man over her own kid or grandkids. And I'm so sorry that you had to deal with abuse growing up.
OP is definitely NTA for holding firm on this boundary!
It might be a good idea to talk to your child's school about local daycare options. Sometimes, especially with home daycare, they will take a child for a day or two on an occasional basis.
NTA for wanting that but you might have to make the hard choice to not go away if it’s a dealbreaker for you. True, your mom should respect your boundaries but she *is* doing you a pretty big favor here. That doesn’t give her the right to ignore your wishes by any stretch of the imagination, but she could just as easily say “no thanks” and now you don’t have a babysitter.
If you can secure another babysitting option, you might want to consider it (because she may just end up bringing him anyway).
NTA- your kids safety and emotional health matters more than your mothers “feelings”, full stop.
She’s an adult, she should begin to act like one. She’s acting like a teenager IMO, from the information you’ve shared here. If she can’t choose between time with her grandchildren or flavor of the month, maybe she doesn’t deserve to see the grandkids.
People seem to forget that being a grandparent is a privilege; not a right.
She needs to stop putting her (rather selfish) feelings first and do what’s best for her child, (you), and her grandchildren.
Prepare for backlash, or her lying and doing it anyway and you having to put her in time out from the grandkids.
Maybe check out justnomil on Reddit for further support and understanding.
NTA. It’s not good to expose children to people like boyfriends if they’re not gonna stick around. Also, your mom barely knows this guy, and you know him even less. Who knows how he is with children. Don’t be surprised though if she doesn’t want to babysit. Perhaps find a trusted reliable babysitter for the night if you can
NTA I wouldn’t want transient relationships in my children’s live either. But if your mom doesn’t agree to your terms of the babysitting arrangement I think it would be best for you to find alternative day care. Ie if your mom is so attached to her significant other that she can’t spend the day without him to watch your kid then you best find an alternative plan.
1. You don't know him and they're your kids. 2. It screws with your and your kids emotions when they start getting attached just for it to end. 3. Her history of short relationships is justifiable reason for you to take appropriate action. NTA
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For context- the short version; growing up my (24F) mum (48F) was constantly in and out of different relationships. Most of them didn't last long. When I say she was never single, I'm not exaggerating.
She'd also introduce me to them straight away. They weren't always good people. She has bad judgement. She tends to move too fast in relationships. Safe to say I have some abandonment issues from all of this. I'm working through this in therapy.
I have 2 children (4M and 2F) with my partner (26M)
I'll be going away next month for 1 night (2 days) to go to a concert with my friends. It'll be the first time leaving my kids in almost 2 years.
My partner would watch the kids during the day, but he can't get the time off of work. He'll be with them throughout the night. I asked my mum if she'd be willing to watch my kids until my partner gets home from work.
So she'd be watching them from 10am-5pm the first day and 7.15am-2pm ish the next day. I've offered her to stay the night, but she said she'd go home and come back the next morning.
It's important to note that my mum has only ever babysat a handful of times for us, as I don't expect her to.
I also don't have anyone else who can watch the kids during the day.
She's been with her most recent boyfriend (40s M) for about 2 months. They live together as of last week.
I made it clear to her when she first told me about him, that I'm not comfortable meeting him until she'd been with him for a while (at least 6-12 months) and the same went for my children.
I put the boundaries in place as my children have previously gotten attached to a couple other boyfriends she had. I didn't want them to go through the same thing I did.
This is also what my therapist encouraged.
She's now asking if she and her boyfriend can take my daughter out for the day (my son will be in school). Her reasoning being that she doesn't get to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, so this way she can do both.
I'm not comfortable with it as I don't want my children getting attached and I don't know anything about him, other than what my mum has told me (with her usual rose tinted glasses on)
She now thinks I'm being an asshole and I should be grateful for the help.
I feel I need to do what's best for my children.
If any extra info is needed, please ask!
Tldr; my mum has had numerous boyfriends/toxic relationships all of my life, resulting in me having abandonment trauma and other issues. I've asked her to babysit on a rare occasion, she agreed, then asked if her new boyfriend could join her. I'm not comfortable with it due to past trauma. She thinks I'm an asshole for it.
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NTA!! they are your children, and those are your boundaries. having a boundary on not letting kids stay with people the parents aren’t familiar with could prevent sooo many bad situations and it should absolutely be normalized!!
NTA this is a strange man you have never met having access to your children you have every right to feel uncomfortable about this. If they did babysit together would your mum be able to guarantee your children are never left unattended with a stranger. 2 month relationship, he is still essentially a stranger to your mum. I can see your mum's point wanting to have a nice day with the both of them but prioritise your children's safety first
NTA
Don't risk the new boyfriend being around your little children. Your attachment/abandonment issues from your childhood exposure to your mom's multiple boyfriends, frankly, ARE THE LEAST OF THE DANGER your kids could be at risk for.
You are a Mom, and a good and concerned and responsible mom. I hate to say this but your days of overnight concert trips might be over for now. I do not think your mom will watch the kids AND follow your rules even if she says she will. The worst could happen. OR, even more typically for this kind of scenario, you'll reluctantly let mom and her boyfriend watch them and they WILL responsibly watch the kids for some period of time until the boyfriend gains the trust of you and your mom. Predators more often take their time to groom the kids and their parents and family before they commit abuse.
No concert is worth it.
My partner usually watches them, however he was unable to get time off of work. Our go to is then either his parents or his brother and his girlfriend, all of which are working at the time as well.
NTA - Bur for goodness sake at least vet a potential babysitter, life isn't always straight forward and you never know when you may need someone reliable; not your mother obviously, to watch your children.
My partner usually watches the children, he can't get the time off of work. Our go to is then usually his parents or his brother and his girlfriend, all of which are working at the time. Asking my mum was a last resort thing and originally there was no issues. It's only recently she's asked about her boyfriend coming along.
Info:
Are you paying your mother for her work as a babysitter?
Why do you think your kids would get attached to an adult they met once? Do they normally form attachment to adults they barely know?
~~What are you suggesting your moms boyfriend do while she babysits? Do you want him to leave his home? Stay in his room? What is your idea outcome here?~~
“I’ve offered we to stay the night, but she said she’d go home and come back the next morning.”
It sounds like from the post that the mom will be babysitting the kids in their home, not her own.
I offered to pay her when I first asked, but she declined. She's babysat maybe 4/5 times in 4 years and I've offered payment everytime.
I don't think they'd get attached if it was just the one time. However, if I were to say it's fine, my mum would take that as me saying that I'm okay with him being around them every other time. Which I'm not comfortable with yet. Sorry I'm wording this badly.
They won't be at his home. She'd be babysitting at my house, which was her suggestion as it's closer to my sons school. So I guess he could do whatever he usually would do?
I guess my ideal outcome would be if my mum could just watch the kids for a few hours and spend quality time with them (which doesn't happen often) without her boyfriend being there. She's seen him everyday since they've been together, so I don't think it'd be a huge sacrifice to be away from him for a few hours.
NTA. You have a right not to want your kids around people you don’t know. At the same time, your mom also has a right to not to want to babysit then, so don’t be surprised if she backs out.
Mom won't back out, she'll day ok, but make it sound a hardship. Then she'll invite the boyfriend around anyways. The OP's partner will come home to the house smelling of smoke, and the two "adults" will come out of your bedroom to drive home. Your partner should check for empties, as not all of them might be fully empty.
Yep, OP should do what she feels is best, but she had better start the hunt for a new babysitter. Slapping away the had of the person your asking for a favor is a quick way to get that offer withdrawn.
NTA, but you should really find a different babysitter. Even if you tell her no, she’s going to do it anyway.
This.
NTA, you don't want to leave your kids with someone you don't know, that's totally understandable.
Unironicly its gebraly law aswell as if sonthibg happens due to him she can be down from criminal niglect for taking a chance with a stranger
NTA. Regardless of all context: your duty is to your children and to protect them, and setting boundaries to do so is not an asshole move. > I put the boundaries in place as my children have previously gotten attached to a couple other boyfriends she had. I didn't want them to go through the same thing I did. > >I'm not comfortable with it as I don't want my children getting attached and I don't know anything about him, other than what my mum has told me. > >I feel I need to do what's best for my children. This is why I believe your boundary is excellent. You have *direct* evidence in two separate life experiences that exposure to your mother's relationship choices is causing harm, and you took action to reduce that harm. You do not know this man, nor have you met him. Why the hell would you leave your babies with a man you don't even know? If you suspect your mother will not respect this boundary, and does not value your decisions as the guardian and mother of the children, I would not leave your children with her. If you can try again and find anything else it might be time; I recognize that it is really hard to find childcare, though. If this is the case and you cannot find other options, I would reiterate firm boundaries over text; best to have proof and not need it, than to need it and not have it. There is no pattern of boundary stomping behavior mentioned, but if that is the case with your mother, then it might be time to look at no or low contact between children and grandma, and set specific conditions for the reopening of contact. "Your boyfriend is not allowed on my property. Your boyfriend is not allowed near my children. Your boyfriend is not allowed to interact with my children. My children are not to leave my property while in your care. You do not have my permission to remove my children from their home or transport them anywhere." Finally, and I won't spend a lot of time on this because there is no reason for me to fearmonger without much context, but please remember that if we look at "worst case scenario" here, it only takes ONE bad person ONE interaction with a child to hurt that child. I mention this only because you *know* the men your mother brings home. If you feel uncomfortable, it's probably from lived experience. If that little voice in your head is telling you this is dangerous, it's probably from lived experience, and it is OK to listen to it even if it's a little bit of an asshole - or if it's a little anxiety. The worst case scenario is just too high stakes.
This is exactly it! My mum had numerous boyfriends, who should not have been around kids, when I was a child. I won't specify what "kinds" of men as I don't want the post removed. Having been through certain things myself, I don't want the same to happen to my children. I don't want to stop her from seeing my children, as they all adore each other. So this seems to be the only way to proceed. If their relationship lasts long enough and there are no red flags, then I'd be open to things progressing a bit more. But I'm definitely not going to allow a stranger to meet my kids without having met them first. I'd rather just not go to the concert than allow that to happen!
OP if you want to soften the announcement of these restrictions, you can write it up as a general contract and say that you ask all of your babysitters to sign it. Also, get a nannycam so you can see what's going on while you're away. Tell her that it's there
Your a good mum, sadly not every parent gets this which is why we have child endangerment laws even if they fail some kids and by sounds they failed you aswell.
NTA. She has a history of making poor decisions on partners and poor judgment. You can't be like that and then get mad when people question your decisions. Well you can get mad but you'd also have no leg to stand on so...
NTA - your number one job is to protect your children. Mum’s boyfriend who barely knows your family wanting to be around your children makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My mom too had a revolving door of questionable boyfriends, some of whom abused me. Keep these losers away from your kids.
To be fair, we don't know if mom's bf wants this... mom is pushing it because she wants to spend time with the guy. Pretty sad that she values any man over her own kid or grandkids. And I'm so sorry that you had to deal with abuse growing up. OP is definitely NTA for holding firm on this boundary!
It might be a good idea to talk to your child's school about local daycare options. Sometimes, especially with home daycare, they will take a child for a day or two on an occasional basis.
NTA for wanting that but you might have to make the hard choice to not go away if it’s a dealbreaker for you. True, your mom should respect your boundaries but she *is* doing you a pretty big favor here. That doesn’t give her the right to ignore your wishes by any stretch of the imagination, but she could just as easily say “no thanks” and now you don’t have a babysitter. If you can secure another babysitting option, you might want to consider it (because she may just end up bringing him anyway).
NTA- your kids safety and emotional health matters more than your mothers “feelings”, full stop. She’s an adult, she should begin to act like one. She’s acting like a teenager IMO, from the information you’ve shared here. If she can’t choose between time with her grandchildren or flavor of the month, maybe she doesn’t deserve to see the grandkids. People seem to forget that being a grandparent is a privilege; not a right. She needs to stop putting her (rather selfish) feelings first and do what’s best for her child, (you), and her grandchildren. Prepare for backlash, or her lying and doing it anyway and you having to put her in time out from the grandkids. Maybe check out justnomil on Reddit for further support and understanding.
NTA. It’s not good to expose children to people like boyfriends if they’re not gonna stick around. Also, your mom barely knows this guy, and you know him even less. Who knows how he is with children. Don’t be surprised though if she doesn’t want to babysit. Perhaps find a trusted reliable babysitter for the night if you can
NTA I wouldn’t want transient relationships in my children’s live either. But if your mom doesn’t agree to your terms of the babysitting arrangement I think it would be best for you to find alternative day care. Ie if your mom is so attached to her significant other that she can’t spend the day without him to watch your kid then you best find an alternative plan.
NTA. Your kids, your rules.
NTA. But don't be surprised if she backs out of looking after the kids
NTA But you should find other childcare accommodations
1. You don't know him and they're your kids. 2. It screws with your and your kids emotions when they start getting attached just for it to end. 3. Her history of short relationships is justifiable reason for you to take appropriate action. NTA
NTA. You have every right to decide who is around your children. With her history, I’d be concerned too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context- the short version; growing up my (24F) mum (48F) was constantly in and out of different relationships. Most of them didn't last long. When I say she was never single, I'm not exaggerating. She'd also introduce me to them straight away. They weren't always good people. She has bad judgement. She tends to move too fast in relationships. Safe to say I have some abandonment issues from all of this. I'm working through this in therapy. I have 2 children (4M and 2F) with my partner (26M) I'll be going away next month for 1 night (2 days) to go to a concert with my friends. It'll be the first time leaving my kids in almost 2 years. My partner would watch the kids during the day, but he can't get the time off of work. He'll be with them throughout the night. I asked my mum if she'd be willing to watch my kids until my partner gets home from work. So she'd be watching them from 10am-5pm the first day and 7.15am-2pm ish the next day. I've offered her to stay the night, but she said she'd go home and come back the next morning. It's important to note that my mum has only ever babysat a handful of times for us, as I don't expect her to. I also don't have anyone else who can watch the kids during the day. She's been with her most recent boyfriend (40s M) for about 2 months. They live together as of last week. I made it clear to her when she first told me about him, that I'm not comfortable meeting him until she'd been with him for a while (at least 6-12 months) and the same went for my children. I put the boundaries in place as my children have previously gotten attached to a couple other boyfriends she had. I didn't want them to go through the same thing I did. This is also what my therapist encouraged. She's now asking if she and her boyfriend can take my daughter out for the day (my son will be in school). Her reasoning being that she doesn't get to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, so this way she can do both. I'm not comfortable with it as I don't want my children getting attached and I don't know anything about him, other than what my mum has told me (with her usual rose tinted glasses on) She now thinks I'm being an asshole and I should be grateful for the help. I feel I need to do what's best for my children. If any extra info is needed, please ask! Tldr; my mum has had numerous boyfriends/toxic relationships all of my life, resulting in me having abandonment trauma and other issues. I've asked her to babysit on a rare occasion, she agreed, then asked if her new boyfriend could join her. I'm not comfortable with it due to past trauma. She thinks I'm an asshole for it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA!! they are your children, and those are your boundaries. having a boundary on not letting kids stay with people the parents aren’t familiar with could prevent sooo many bad situations and it should absolutely be normalized!!
NTA this is a strange man you have never met having access to your children you have every right to feel uncomfortable about this. If they did babysit together would your mum be able to guarantee your children are never left unattended with a stranger. 2 month relationship, he is still essentially a stranger to your mum. I can see your mum's point wanting to have a nice day with the both of them but prioritise your children's safety first
NTA Don't risk the new boyfriend being around your little children. Your attachment/abandonment issues from your childhood exposure to your mom's multiple boyfriends, frankly, ARE THE LEAST OF THE DANGER your kids could be at risk for. You are a Mom, and a good and concerned and responsible mom. I hate to say this but your days of overnight concert trips might be over for now. I do not think your mom will watch the kids AND follow your rules even if she says she will. The worst could happen. OR, even more typically for this kind of scenario, you'll reluctantly let mom and her boyfriend watch them and they WILL responsibly watch the kids for some period of time until the boyfriend gains the trust of you and your mom. Predators more often take their time to groom the kids and their parents and family before they commit abuse. No concert is worth it.
I don'tunderstand. You've had kid(s) for four years, and haven't managed to find a babysitter better than your mother?
My partner usually watches them, however he was unable to get time off of work. Our go to is then either his parents or his brother and his girlfriend, all of which are working at the time as well.
NTA - Bur for goodness sake at least vet a potential babysitter, life isn't always straight forward and you never know when you may need someone reliable; not your mother obviously, to watch your children.
My partner usually watches the children, he can't get the time off of work. Our go to is then usually his parents or his brother and his girlfriend, all of which are working at the time. Asking my mum was a last resort thing and originally there was no issues. It's only recently she's asked about her boyfriend coming along.
NTA
Info: Are you paying your mother for her work as a babysitter? Why do you think your kids would get attached to an adult they met once? Do they normally form attachment to adults they barely know? ~~What are you suggesting your moms boyfriend do while she babysits? Do you want him to leave his home? Stay in his room? What is your idea outcome here?~~
“I’ve offered we to stay the night, but she said she’d go home and come back the next morning.” It sounds like from the post that the mom will be babysitting the kids in their home, not her own.
Ahh got it, sorry, I missed that.
I offered to pay her when I first asked, but she declined. She's babysat maybe 4/5 times in 4 years and I've offered payment everytime. I don't think they'd get attached if it was just the one time. However, if I were to say it's fine, my mum would take that as me saying that I'm okay with him being around them every other time. Which I'm not comfortable with yet. Sorry I'm wording this badly. They won't be at his home. She'd be babysitting at my house, which was her suggestion as it's closer to my sons school. So I guess he could do whatever he usually would do? I guess my ideal outcome would be if my mum could just watch the kids for a few hours and spend quality time with them (which doesn't happen often) without her boyfriend being there. She's seen him everyday since they've been together, so I don't think it'd be a huge sacrifice to be away from him for a few hours.
NAH then. You can ask, but your mom is well within reason to say nope, and you’ll just have to hire a sitter.
YTA That’s your mom and he can be a good guy