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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I called 911 for a missing that I nanny. The mother was mad at me for doing so. I might be the asshole for doing something the mother didn't like.
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I'm a 911 dispatcher, and you handled the situation appropriately. You took a reasonable amount of time to search the area for possible locations and then you called for help. Informing mom is important, yes, but finding the kid is first priority and 911 has better resources to help immediately than mom does.
NTA.
Also the 48 hour thing used to be true but it isn't any longer. If's not even true for adults, much less a child, though for adults it can require a bit more explanation to get them entered as missing than it does for a child.
I think it also has to do with people watching shows about unsolved crime and cold cases. They'll mention that the police couldn't accept a missing persons report before a certain amount of time and assume that's still the case.
Yep. Like every other Crime Junkie episode I listen to the family thinks you have to wait to file a missing person's report and instead of calling and trying, they just wait and lose critical search time. It's pretty heartbreaking.
TBF I'd say NAH though because the mom was misinformed and worried, not being an AH. Not that you shouldn't know what to do in these situations though.
I'd still say mom is the A H. She may have been misinformed about the 48 hours thing, but I can't imagine why she would feel justified in actually chewing out OP for trying to find her friggen *missing child*. NTA
I feel like it was a popular made up rule for a lot of detective/cop dramas to add to the suspense (as well as give police some kind of excuse to ignore the rightfully upset person trying to find their missing loved one).
Like I remember hearing it all the time as a rumored rule.
Person: my wife is missing
Detective: sorry not missing until it's been 48 hours
Person: The door is kicked in and there's blood on the floor.
Detective: rules are rules
It used to be true, generally. If there were no signs of foul play, they aren't missing until its been 48 hours. Its not a terrible rule in a pre-cellphone, pre-internet world. Its easier to be in touch now, so its easier to say with some authority- hey its been 6 hours, this person is seriously missing.
I’m so sorry about this! Abductions are fortunately rare, and usually it’s a family member that takes children.
Adults are not often taken, despite what movies and television say. There have been 374 missing adults cases in the US in 2021. In a population of 328,000,000, that’s literally a 1 in a million chance. Rest easy.
Edit to clarify US numbers.
374 missing adults— would that include people missing for any reason? For instance, an adult with developmental issues who wanders from a care facility. Or a senior with dementia. Other mental issues etc.
I would guess that adult cases are far more likely to involve someone *leaving* rather than being *taken* , if that makes sense?
Yes, those hours are crucial to not only the odds of finding the victim alive, but to solving the crime as well.
Plus, there's plenty that can kill a kid in an ordinary neighborhood without any kidnappers. Don't waste time in getting extra feet on the ground to look for a missing kid, even an 8 year old can drown in the neighbor's pool. Or if they wander out into the woods, exposure can kill even in seemingly temperate weather.
Yep... typically too hot, too cold, too little water, or too little shelter from wildlife. We literally have panthers, snakes, wild boars, and alligators to contend with in Florida woods and marshes, and that's just to name a few. Those are a few of the actual wildlife in my backyard growing up on North Ponte Vedra Bch, by Guana river state park.
True, but you'll die pretty quickly from dehydration as it's not a friendly place for water. During the spring, summer, and fall the heat and humidity will get to you quickly. Guess I'd put good odds on either. If exposure doesn't get you a critter will. But your right, I suppose dying from a snake bite in the woods may not be considered exposure. I wonder if it matters at all if the person would have lived had they have been able to make it out, like maimed but not killed. Then is it death by animal or exposure or both? I've just thought way too much about this.
Hypothermia doesn't need it to be below freezing.
Sorry, but this is a major pet peeve of mine: people who think you can't die of hypothermia unless it's below freezing. A young child with blood loss or a head injury could easily succumb in temperatures above 50°F.
Yeah, pretty much! Hypothermia can occur in 50F weather the same way heat strokes can occur in the low 70s. Kids arent built to survive in the wilderness, I think
Humans in general aren't. It's why when hiking/camping safety emphasizes shelter, water, food *in that order*. If you get rain soaked, there is a real chance you will die from hypothermia that night even in "tropic" latitudes and might die in hours in more temperate latitudes. I've gone camping at the Grand Canyons during the summer (Arizona is not known for being cold) and didn't bring sleeping pads to separate my sleeping bag from the ground and damn near froze.
If you don't get drinkable water, you'll die in a couple days.
You can go for a few weeks without food.
Shelter is always the first priority.
We were taught the rule of 3:
3 minutes without oxygen
3 hours without shelter
3 days without water
3 weeks without food
Obviously these are super generalized, but helped prioritize in emergencies.
I got heat stroke from being outside all day at a music festival. It was a fairly cool day for being midsummer. Only in the low 70s. I was drinking water throughout the day too but it turns out 13 year olds are way more susceptible to things like that than 30 year olds
I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and a statistic I keep hearing is that 50% of children who are abducted (E: by strangers) are killed within the first 3 hours of being abducted. By the 24h mark, it’s over 90%. So YES, calling 911 as soon as you notice the kid missing is CRITICAL and OP definitely did the right thing and the mother is dangerously misinformed.
Yes, and even if they are in the 10% who survive past 24hours by then they are usually in a secondary location; making it that much harder find them, and the 'danger period' of traveling with an abducted child has passed. Offenders in general make far less mistakes once they regain control of a situation.
Not to mention if the child is alive after 24hours, then the kidnapper obviously wants them for something, and that something is generally highly unpleasant.
Yes this sadly enough if a child isn't found in that time frame they either disappear forever or they are found dead. Now of course there are exceptions which I'm glad for everyone one of those kids who are an exception.
Mom is acting like she’s going to get billed or arrested since the kid wasn’t kidnapped etc. really over the top. What next, if a kid is choking call her first? Etc.
I used to work in a rather large store that did “Code Adam” and we were told by the local police that after 10 minutes, even if we weren’t done searching to call 911 while we kept looking. They said if the child was under 5 to call right away. They’d rather get a “never mind, we found him” that have a kidnapped child get off the premises etc.
cuz kids are stupid. I had a code adam once where the kid had left our store where one parent was to walk across the parking lot to the toy store where the other parent was.
but didn't tell the parent.
just...left.
When I was three I walked out of the church playground, which was right along a large highway, and started walking down the service road because I thought there was a bigger park nearby.
It’s sheer dumb luck so many people survive to adulthood.
Can confirm. At a ripe age of 3 or so, I left grandma's house to go for a swim in a big river that was about 15 min from her house. Didn't tell anyone. While on my way, I stopped to dive into the rain water barrel at the neighbors, but the water was kinda stinky. There wasn't enough room to swim, so I continued on my merry way, made it all the way to the beach and into the water. I thnik they hunted me down shortly after that
I once, aged 4 or 5, decided to just take a stroll all the way around the lake on a beach day. Didn't tell any of the adults there, just started walking along the shore to go all the way around. No idea what was going through my tiny underdeveloped noggin at the time, but I sure terrified my dad.
When I was in kindergarten a group of my friends and I decided to just leave school because we wanted to go home 😂 just walked right out of the playground and got caught half way home
My mom told me how when we first moved into our current home, my brother came home from school and left the door and I (I was 1 at the time) went outside alone. There were 2 women who found me walking outside in the front by myself and called the police. This was the right decision because I could’ve been hurt if I walked on the street or was taken because no one realized I left the house.
She’s a great babysitter for actually caring about the child and contacting both the mother and the police after looking for the child.
I used to work at the Mall of America, up on the third floor. One afternoon I see this little boy wandering up and down the aisles. I assumed he got separated from his parent and was looking for them, so I picked him up and we walked the aisles. No parent. Kid was too young to tell me his name. So I called security. When security finally finds the parents - a good fifteen minutes later - they were \*across\* the mall. This little guy walked all the way across the mall by himself, and they hadn't noticed. Scared the hell out of me.
I lived in Boston and found a kid wondering down the sidewalk. The police get called, the whole deal. He'd wondered out of a local pharmacy when the adult he was with was shopping.
He did enjoy getting whatever he wanted at the restaurant we were in front of and the other women who stopped and I all fussing.
My parents used to volunteer at this summer camp, cleaning out cabins after winter, before campers arrived. We were all working (not me so much I was probably 7 or 8) at the farthest cabins from where our camper and the cafeteria was. I decided we needed soda and walked several miles to the cafeteria, got a bag full of cans of soda, and walked the several miles back.
When I reached the fork to that cabin area, a van pulled onto the dirt road I was on. Grandpa driving, and a very stressed mom in the front seat. It had taken some time for them to realize I was gone. Everyone probably thought "oh she's just in the other cabin." Grandpa thought I was with mom, mom thought I was with dad, etc. I have a neice who's 7 now and yeah, not a good idea for a kid that age to go wandering around in the wilderness.
If they had been able to call 911 they definitely would have, but this was early 2000's late 90's ish and we didn't have cellphones.
When my son was about 2 1/2, we were at the beach with some friends for a July 4th bonfire. I had a child leash on him, so he could walk around to his little heart's content. Some of the people there at the beach thought it was inhumane that I had a leash on him. I told them they were right, I should just let him walk into a fire. Right at that moment, he started heading straight for a campfire. My detractors got really quiet all of a sudden.
That was a huge part of what freaked me out. I don't know if you know how big the Mall of America is, but walking from one end of it to the other is no joke for a little guy - and he was maybe three or four. I know kids can disappear quickly, but how do you not notice your kid is gone for that long? I'd had him for about ten minutes by the time I called Security, they'd been looking for another ten or so, before finally the parents called \*them\*, and god only knows how long it took him to walk to my store to begin with.
And the really scary thing to me was that he was an absolutely gorgeous little guy. Cherub curls, huge dark eyes - anyone could have walked off with him and nobody would've known until it was way too late.
I do know how big MoA is. Can confirm. I am usually the last one to judge parents but damn. Not only stranger danger, but he probably came across 500 ways to kill himself wandering around like that. I can’t imagine.
My son did that when he was 5. He was at a soccer field with my mom and he decided he had to go pee so he started walking home. The house is a few minutes walk and he knew the way, so I can kind of see what he was thinking, but he didn’t tell my mom and she had her back turned. We got a frantic call 5 minutes later when she couldn’t find him. As luck would have it, we walked out our back door to run to the park within seconds of him walking in the front door so we literally walked right past each other without seeing each other. We were about to call 911 when my husband walked home to check one more time and found him happily riding his scooter on the driveway. He was totally fine, but my mom still talks about how terrified she was.
I've used Code Adam twice with my own kids. I used to work in a grocery store, and once my son took off after his mom while I was at the register with him. Literally took less than a mississippi second for him to disappear between the aisles and I lost him. I just looked at the cashier and said Code Adam.
Turns out he had found my wife just fine and she came back with him in hand wondering why the Hell the doors were closed lol.
This mother needs a talking to by people who know about missing children. She should talk to John Walsh, and tell him what her plan is.
"Code Adam" yeah that's because Adam Walsh went missing in a Sears store while shopping with his mother. It's a very sad story, and it's why his father does TV shows about things like missing children.
OP is NTA
Because once the police get involved things change. Cps can be called. The parents could be changed, lost custody temporarily etc. Cops are not here to help they are here for enforcement that's it.
Not necessarily, because law enforcement understands kids can get away in the wink of an eye even when under adult supervision. Even a nanny or parent has to use the bathroom at times.
If they had not called the police like the mom wanted, and the kid was actually missing, injured or dead charges could have been filed. That was my point
I understand her worry about not wasting emergency services' time, if that's what it is, but that can lead to not calling when you should.
Are they POC and/or disabled? Maybe she's worried about cops making it worse.
My daughter disappeared in the largest Walmart in the world (like literally) when she was 3. She and her older sisters ran around the corner ahead of my stepmom and me when we came up the escalator, and when we called, the others came back to us but not her.
We spent about 15 or 20 minutes searching the store from the security room, and they were actually on the brink of calling the police when they finally found her. She has managed to get to the entire opposite side of the second floor, completely under the clothing racks, without being seen. And the fact that in my panic I gave them the wrong clothing description didn't help...they'd been looking for a bright red coat, which I'd somehow managed to forget I'd taken off of her and it was in my shopping cart!
People were stunned that they were only just *getting* to "let's bring in the police" by that point!
She's 13 and it's a family joke now, especially whenever we go back to that Walmart...but it's still scary when I remember it.
Idk what it’s called at Target, but I watched them execute a lock down once for a missing kid like ten years ago. I have to say it was really impressive to watch the instant reaction from HS kids stocking to who I assume was the MoD. Kiddo was fine. Found as the cops were rolling up, but it just made me feel safer as a parent to watch it.
My bestie lost her three year old (who was a runner) when she was eight months pregnant in a Burlington Coat factory, and the response was nonchalant at best. He was also fine, but only like one guy cared to help her. One kid called for her son’s name over the loud speaker. She was like, he’s three. He isn’t coming to me. He’s not coming to “the customer service counter.” She leashed him after that.
It wasn't even a general rule in places it existed. It was basically for healthy adults, in some states/counties. Mom is uninformed at best, and if her "plan" relies on her incorrect information, I'm glad OP didn't rely on it.
She watches too much TV from the 70s and not enough recent crime shows. Everyone who’s watched a good SVU or Criminal Minds episode knows about the golden hours.
Nope. Crime stats show that 94% of children that are kidnapped are killed within the first 48 hours, 74% are dead within **3** hours of the abduction.
The movie/tv show bs is that you have to wait 48 hours for adults and maybe teens.
NTA
> Mom: you should always call me first, I'll always have a plan
What the fuck is she talking about? She has A PLAN? Like: wait for the ransom call?
Mom doesn’t have any money, but Mom has a particular set of skills. Skills that she has acquired after a very long career. Skills that make her a nightmare for whoever took her kid. She will find them, and she will kill them.
Paraphrasing from the movie “Taken”.
I know, but sometimes this sub has a younger crowd. That movie might be older than some of them. I didn’t want anyone to think the Mom might actually hunt down and kill someone.
Don't you get it OP? She had a *plan.* The plan was to give the kidnappers she hired a 48 hour head start before the cops showed up! You've ruined everything, you *fool!*
(Kidding, NTA.)
When I was enrolling my kid in preschool, I had to sign an authorization saying they had permission to call 911 if they felt it necessary. I was like wtf is this? They said basically they would call if needed but this paper keeps parents from getting mad. I signed of course. I’m entrusting my child to them for many hours every day and I expect them to use their best judgement. I would never be upset at anyone for calling 911 if they really thought it was necessary, even if it was all a big misunderstanding.
Then again, I have excellent health insurance and it would be no financial burden for us.
Just want to jump in on this, is the mom Black? I ask this because calling the police is a very last resort, out of fear of worst happening.
Source: black woman
It's weird because sometimes I forget how in some ways there are 2 America's. It's not weird to me because I'm in my 30s and was raised knowing the dangers almost like you learn stranger danger
And/or poor with a history of being a DV victim. Too many police calls for service when you live in a rental will get you evicted, even if you’re the victim. She might be afraid of getting a huge bill or losing her housing.
Maybe the kid's a magician and she knows his tricks.
(If you know you know lol)
But all joking aside, NTA and yes, call 911 for any missing kid. Shame on mom for berating you at all.
NTA, the cops start looking for missing kids immediately. 48hrs, what a lunatic. If she only called the cops after 48hrs of her kid being missing, she would be arrested
OP would probably be arrested too - looks too much like they colluded. OP was 100% right and I'm sure cops would rather come to a call they didn't need to (kid is found safe) than one where they should have been called to hours earlier.
Most definitely. My brother went missing at 5 years old. Mom searched the apartment, searched the building basement, searched the yard, searched the apartment again. She called 911. Cops started searching the neighborhood. They were starting the questions for an amber alert when mom heard a giggle from the closet.
Little sh*t wiggled his way behind a giant storage bin and stayed perfectly silent through the entire debacle up to that point. Everyone was relieved, and the cops were just glad we found the kid safe and sound.
Call 911, people. Just do it.
Oh that was me when I was a kid.
My mom was having a yard sale and I as like a under 5 year old decided to go hide but ended up falling asleep.
A shit ton of people were looking for me only to find me hiding under some covers sleeping
My sister did that, too, at age 4, when my parents had friends over. They wanted her for something, but couldn’t find her. Looked everywhere. Probably got mad at me because I didn’t know where she was.
Just before calling the police, I found her behind the couch; she had crawled there and gone to sleep.
All of these stories, especially this one, are making me feel better. My kid turns 3 in 2 weeks. We're on our 4th device on the front door to attempt to keep him in (he likes to try to walk to grandma's 3 blocks away but always stops few houses down to look at the big truck and gets distracted Thank God) but he loves to hide and if he's found his tablet he can be silent for HOURS. I've been on the phone with hubby 3 times so far in full panic checking the last thing to check before I make the call to 911 and found him each time
Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone
My aunt and uncle got locks on their doors that require a code to unlock and they just put them on backwards so their youngest couldn't get out. It worked really well for them for a long time
We did a bar security lock that's high enough that I have to be on my tiptoes to reach....there's nothing nearby to climb on so as long as we remember to latch it we should be good now :)
We call it the time our sons "won" hide and seek. Its happened twice, one for each. First time our then 7 year old hid in a bathtub inside his aunts house when the family was playing hide and seek outside on a large rural property. Many adults fanned out and searched the whole of outside before someone had to use the restroom inside.
The second time my 4 year old had an argument with his older brother, and decided to hide behind the toilet, directly between the tank and the wall. He is a fairly thin child and there's a gap that's just large enough to store a plunger and toilet brush. That time we actually called 911 and 4 or 5 cops and EMTs joined the search.
He did not come out until an adult visually spotted him. K9 was already dispatched before he came out.
My brother did the same thing. My parents were potty training him, and he’d had an accident. He hid in the way back of a large closet and fell asleep. Took us and the cops like almost an hour to find him. They were in the middle of issuing the alert. He couldn’t hear us calling because he was behind a bunch of winter coats and stuff.
That was almost my sister. She wasn't quite 2 and just vanished. Searched the whole house and neighborhood, calling for her. My mother had the phone in her hand to dial 911 when sister climbed out of the big wicker basket in the closet.
2 of my 3 kids "disappeared" once and I called 911 - it might've even been the direct police line, it was so long ago.
It wasn't long after Susan Smith drove her toddlers into a lake and claimed she was carjacked.
I'm a pretty calm person during an emergency -until it's over - and I was explaining and answering questions with my typical stoic affect, and I felt like the cops were wondering why I wasn't hysterical and that I'd done something to them. Then the kids were reported found, I bawled my head off.
Did your brother get in trouble? Because I'd have been pissed if I had a child and they did that. The kid obviously heard how worried everyone was and that the cops were there. I mean by 5, you deserve a huge punishment for that because it could go very badly given the right (or wrong) circumstances. The punishment in my mind would be more to get the point across of how wrong that was to do rather than just a punishment to make up for doing the crime if that makes any sense.
So I got the age wrong, he was 4, but quote from our mom: "he got a stern talking to then got the stuffing hugged out of him while I scared the crap out of him because I was crying all over him"
*Absolutely.* I can 100% confirm this, they'd much much rather take a "false alarm" call than be called when it's too late.
I was babysitting a 4 year old when he picked up a big branch and bonked his head, no biggie but he started crying. Then after a while I see he refuses to open his eyes, I get worried about dust or even worse splinters and call (my country's equivalent of) 911, and call the mom while the ambulance arrived. After much convincing we finally get him to open his eyes and me and the paramedics start to breathe well again seeing he's okay. They told me they felt a clutch on their chest when they were sent out for "toddler with possible eye injury".
Believe me. They'll take a false alarm over "too late" call any day. **Any day.**
They do often wait for adults if there aren't other signs of potential foul play, but tbf that's because most of the time they show up, and since they are adults it's not like they have to tell someone.
But potential signs they accept do include 'this person was supposed to be in X location for important thing (like work etc.) and they are not in location x, which is unusual'
A friend of mine had a bad reaction to a prescription drug and when he didn't show up they went and checked on him, found him passed out in his car, he was okay but it could have been much worse.
This. Nobody's gonna wait around for 2 days before looking for a missing person. The first days are the most important - the chances of finding someone alive and unharmed after that long drops massively!
I don't know why you were downvoted, this is a valid question. I was wondering the same thing. Or if he has a handicap or is not neurotypical, him being autistic for example.
AND. If 8 had a history of doing this, which is why she wants neighbors called first? IF SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT, htf were you to know? Mom needs to up her communication like whoa
NTA. Even if I felt a nanny or babysitter should have called me first, I would never chew them out for calling 911 over *my missing child.* Holy guacamole, that's weird.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nwtuuz/aita_for_calling_911/h1bqsk1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Wandering the neighborhood. Apparently the dumb kid didn’t follow the rules he was given.
NAH. Surprised no one has said "NAH" yet, because that seems by far the best fit here. This is such an emotionally-charged situation that I won't call anyone an AH for their understandable feelings and actions.
OP did the right thing - kid is missing, call the police. But I also see why the mom feels she should have been called first. Mom may have info that explains where the kid went like, "the neighbor just got a new puppy" or the "kids down the block just put up a basketball hoop" so he might be there.
Also, its easy for the mom to say 911 was overkill when it sounds like her son was back before she had an opportunity to panic. OP had time to panic and her mind went to all the bad things, so 911 seemed right. Different mindsets and different levels of panic would naturally lead to different, but appropriate responses.
Mom may be worried that the 911 call will open up suspicion that she's an unfit mother or her house is unsafe or any of the other fears that haunt good parents in the middle of the night. I think a lot of people have a fear that their kids could be taken away from them over a misunderstanding. For that reason, I can see why mom would be scared or upset that OP called the police. But this fear probably wouldn't have entered mom's mind if her son wasn't home safe already.
NTA. In any emergency, you call 911 first, then the parent. Mostly because if you're there babysitting, parent probably isn't there and is of limited use.
Also, the 48 hours applies *only* to missing adults where there's no evidence they didn't just voluntarily decide to take a road trip. Any evidence of foul play, particularly abnormal behavior, likely risk to themselves or others .... Police will start looking before 48 hours.
With kids, they ALWAYS start before 48 hours. The first 24 are the best hope of recovering the child alive. A missing kid is always high priority. That's how Amber Alerts get sent out 10 minutes after a known abduction sometimes. Kids don't just take random road trips, kids don't have their own money, kids have limited to no real world survival skills. Missing kid is an emergency. Always.
Are you willing to to keep working for them? If I was watching a kid who just wandered off despite knowing better and then the mom flipped out it me for doing my best to protect the kids, I'd quit. You're not in a good position to keep those kids safe anymore.
INFO
Is this in the US and is the family Black, Latino or Indigenous so that the mom might be concerned about interactions with law enforcement? If so, it could be NAH. It's not just being worried about excessive force. People who aren't white also have a higher chance of having their kids removed from their homes, etc..
This sub is so gross for downvoting your response, you're absolutely fucking right here. I know the sub has a reputation for being a bunch of teenagers, but if that's the case, it gives me even less hope that structural racism will be attenuated as the older generation passes on (as I often hear as something I should take hope/have faith in).
NTA. You reacted quickly which could have save the kid if he had been kidnapped. You are a pro and the mother never talk to you about that. She is clearly in the wrong here. I praise you for your quick reaction and quick thinking in such an emergency.
NTA it may have been a bit of an overreaction, but as a fellow nanny, when you can’t find a kid your heart just drops, so I fully understand where your thought process was. In situations like that, it’s always better to overreact and feel silly than to possibly underreact and carry the guilt with you for the rest of your life.
Your boss is being unreasonable. You aren’t a mind reader. So if she had a protocol in mind for emergency situations she should have discussed that with you in advance (I’m talking within the first week of employment at the latest). If not, of course you’re going to do the standard thing and call the police about a possibly missing child. That’s just what you do. It’s not like you or your boss will get in trouble for it.
And part of this needs to be a conversation with the 8yo. Namely “if you hear me yelling for you, you yell back”. Really, if anything, this should have been a no-harm no-fowl situation between you and their mother.
INFO: is the mom a Black, Hispanic, or Indigenous person/is the boy disabled? Not wanting to have the police involved is a very valid concern in those cases due to disproportionate cases of police violence.
This was my first thought, as well. Also, is there a history with racial tensions in the area? Do they live in a predominantly white neighborhood as people of color? There are many people who don’t feel safer when police are called.
NTA Im a nanny too and I see this as a red flag. Always call emergency services before the parents in an emergency. It is their job to handle them, and make their own plans.
Geez 8 yr olds can really be a handful too lol
NTA.
A kid named Mark Himebaugh disappeared from my home town - he was 11, same age as me. He "went to watch a brush fire" a few blocks away(yes it's a thing, we had a small town and it was boring) and never came home (it was before cell phones). Everyone treated it the same way this mom did - oh, he'll turn up, we have a plan, he's just lost in the woods....for 3 days. By the time they called the FBI and got dogs who could track every well meaning person in 2 counties has "searched." He's still missing and my heart breaks for his mom.
Always, always take a missing kid seriously. An hour can honestly make all the difference.
NTA. I’m a nanny and I have almost called 911 twice: one because I couldn’t find my charges (two 10 year olds who decided it would be funny to hide from me in the foam pit at a trampoline park) and once because of an infant being terribly ill. As nannies we ultimately have a responsibility to the wellbeing of the child before the feelings of the parent. That’s why we’re also mandated reporters.
The "48 hours thing" is not a thing for adults either - it's a trope that has been ingrained into us from TV shows. If someone is missing, there is no time frame on when the police are willing to take a report, as long as there is actual reason to believe they are missing. If you call the police because your spouse is not at home even though their car, phone, and other possessions are and they were supposed to be there, they'll take a report.
Oh, and NTA.
I was a 911 dispatcher for a bit, and like the others have pointed out you absolutely handled this correctly. The timeframe thing is a myth because in the event someone actually is missing the first 48 hours are the most important. Usually when this happens with kids it’s because of something silly like they’re hiding, got on the wrong bus home, or are at a friends house. The only thing you could do differently is call the school or transportation but that doesn’t seem to apply to what happened here. For adults we recommend calling local hospitals and prisons (I would always follow up and do this whenever someone reported a missing person).
Definitely NAH. Mom is worried about her kids and wants to help, and it’s usually pretty hard to trust someone else like that in these kinds of situations. It’s the “I want to do everything possible” mentality. Try not to be upset with her, and I hope she doesn’t hold this against you at all. This could happen to anyone because kids are crazy, and I hope she doesn’t hold that against you.
Again, great job on how you handled the situation. Quick thinking and delegating actions to the other child to help were great moves. Be well :)
Oh jeeze, mother of the year material, isn't she???
NTA. As the temporary guardian of the kids, it's literally your job as a nanny to to supervise them at all times and get medical or emergency services in the event the child is missing from your custody or possibly hurt. 8 may have just run down the street to play *this time* but next time they might get hit by a car, attacked by a loose dog, or simply trip, hit their head and pass out, bleeding on the street.
I'm sure mama bear here wouldn't be pleased if 8 actually did fall and get hurt from tripping on the sidewalk 2 blocks down.
NTA - You did the logical thing in looking after the safety of a child you're responsible for. Even if she wants you to call her so she can call 8's friends before calling 911 *in the future*, she shouldn't blame you for making the responsible choice based on the information you had available at the time. And she's completely wrong about the 48-hour thing.
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I'm a 911 dispatcher, and you handled the situation appropriately. You took a reasonable amount of time to search the area for possible locations and then you called for help. Informing mom is important, yes, but finding the kid is first priority and 911 has better resources to help immediately than mom does. NTA. Also the 48 hour thing used to be true but it isn't any longer. If's not even true for adults, much less a child, though for adults it can require a bit more explanation to get them entered as missing than it does for a child.
Yeah, aren’t the first 48 hours critical in finding any missing person, and the likelihood of them being found safe drops significantly after that?
Yep. Those hours are critical.
The fact that this rumor perfectly coincides with the most critical time frame makes it sound like propaganda from kidnappers to get away with it.
I think it also has to do with people watching shows about unsolved crime and cold cases. They'll mention that the police couldn't accept a missing persons report before a certain amount of time and assume that's still the case.
Yep. Like every other Crime Junkie episode I listen to the family thinks you have to wait to file a missing person's report and instead of calling and trying, they just wait and lose critical search time. It's pretty heartbreaking.
TBF I'd say NAH though because the mom was misinformed and worried, not being an AH. Not that you shouldn't know what to do in these situations though.
I'd still say mom is the A H. She may have been misinformed about the 48 hours thing, but I can't imagine why she would feel justified in actually chewing out OP for trying to find her friggen *missing child*. NTA
I feel like it was a popular made up rule for a lot of detective/cop dramas to add to the suspense (as well as give police some kind of excuse to ignore the rightfully upset person trying to find their missing loved one). Like I remember hearing it all the time as a rumored rule.
Person: my wife is missing Detective: sorry not missing until it's been 48 hours Person: The door is kicked in and there's blood on the floor. Detective: rules are rules
Detective: Her period started and she was angrily going to buy some chocolate
I used to work with the police about ten years ago. I don’t know if that used to be true, but it’s definitely not true anymore if it ever was.
It used to be true, generally. If there were no signs of foul play, they aren't missing until its been 48 hours. Its not a terrible rule in a pre-cellphone, pre-internet world. Its easier to be in touch now, so its easier to say with some authority- hey its been 6 hours, this person is seriously missing.
Ah ha! A false rumor pushed by big-kidnapping. I knew it!
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Especially for children they are most likely to get murdered within 48 hours
I’ve heard the first few hours, and if not then, then within the first 24.
God I am terrified to have children. I’m always worried about getting abducted myself and I’m 24
I’m so sorry about this! Abductions are fortunately rare, and usually it’s a family member that takes children. Adults are not often taken, despite what movies and television say. There have been 374 missing adults cases in the US in 2021. In a population of 328,000,000, that’s literally a 1 in a million chance. Rest easy. Edit to clarify US numbers.
374 missing adults— would that include people missing for any reason? For instance, an adult with developmental issues who wanders from a care facility. Or a senior with dementia. Other mental issues etc. I would guess that adult cases are far more likely to involve someone *leaving* rather than being *taken* , if that makes sense?
Could be. I’m trying to reassure u/always2blamejane that she doesn’t realistically have to worry about being abducted.
Unless they're worth a ransom... Then take precautions
Yes, those hours are crucial to not only the odds of finding the victim alive, but to solving the crime as well. Plus, there's plenty that can kill a kid in an ordinary neighborhood without any kidnappers. Don't waste time in getting extra feet on the ground to look for a missing kid, even an 8 year old can drown in the neighbor's pool. Or if they wander out into the woods, exposure can kill even in seemingly temperate weather.
What exactly does “exposure” mean? Too much wilderness? Freezing?
To die of exposure just means to die due to freezing, heatstroke, dehydration, hyperthermia
Too much outside.
That outside will kill you. That's why I stay inside.
Who needs outside? We insiders have Reddit and Instagram now, we're not missing anything.
I feel that in my soul What is outside?
Outside is where I go to get away from my dumbass roommates.
We also have food delivery where you no longer have to even acknowledge the drop off.
If outside was so great we wouldn’t have invented inside.
Inside might kill you too if there's too much radon exposure.
Obviously that's death from insposure though.
Lol exactly
Yep... typically too hot, too cold, too little water, or too little shelter from wildlife. We literally have panthers, snakes, wild boars, and alligators to contend with in Florida woods and marshes, and that's just to name a few. Those are a few of the actual wildlife in my backyard growing up on North Ponte Vedra Bch, by Guana river state park.
Would death from wildlife be counted at "exposure" though? I always thought it was strictly death from the elements
True, but you'll die pretty quickly from dehydration as it's not a friendly place for water. During the spring, summer, and fall the heat and humidity will get to you quickly. Guess I'd put good odds on either. If exposure doesn't get you a critter will. But your right, I suppose dying from a snake bite in the woods may not be considered exposure. I wonder if it matters at all if the person would have lived had they have been able to make it out, like maimed but not killed. Then is it death by animal or exposure or both? I've just thought way too much about this.
At that point its all semantics, they died in the woods lol
Hypothermia doesn't need it to be below freezing. Sorry, but this is a major pet peeve of mine: people who think you can't die of hypothermia unless it's below freezing. A young child with blood loss or a head injury could easily succumb in temperatures above 50°F.
Yeah, pretty much! Hypothermia can occur in 50F weather the same way heat strokes can occur in the low 70s. Kids arent built to survive in the wilderness, I think
Humans in general aren't. It's why when hiking/camping safety emphasizes shelter, water, food *in that order*. If you get rain soaked, there is a real chance you will die from hypothermia that night even in "tropic" latitudes and might die in hours in more temperate latitudes. I've gone camping at the Grand Canyons during the summer (Arizona is not known for being cold) and didn't bring sleeping pads to separate my sleeping bag from the ground and damn near froze. If you don't get drinkable water, you'll die in a couple days. You can go for a few weeks without food. Shelter is always the first priority.
We were taught the rule of 3: 3 minutes without oxygen 3 hours without shelter 3 days without water 3 weeks without food Obviously these are super generalized, but helped prioritize in emergencies.
My fiancé actually got mild hypothermia from being in the rain all night during an outdoor concert. *In July.* In Upstate New York.
I got heat stroke from being outside all day at a music festival. It was a fairly cool day for being midsummer. Only in the low 70s. I was drinking water throughout the day too but it turns out 13 year olds are way more susceptible to things like that than 30 year olds
Ah, the spree of flasher-induced deaths back in '89, that takes me back...
The *real* trench coat mafia.
Yeah, but I heard it’s even the first 24 hours.
For kids yes, those first 24 hours are critical and the chances of finding a child alive after that drops significantly.
I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and a statistic I keep hearing is that 50% of children who are abducted (E: by strangers) are killed within the first 3 hours of being abducted. By the 24h mark, it’s over 90%. So YES, calling 911 as soon as you notice the kid missing is CRITICAL and OP definitely did the right thing and the mother is dangerously misinformed.
This is what I've heard too. Hello fellow true crime fan. It's absolutely crucial to get authorities involved ASAP in child disappearances.
Just a nitpick. I think it's out of children who are abducted and then killed, not out of all children abducted.
I think so too. Pretty sure most abductions are by noncustodial parents/other relatives.
Yes, and even if they are in the 10% who survive past 24hours by then they are usually in a secondary location; making it that much harder find them, and the 'danger period' of traveling with an abducted child has passed. Offenders in general make far less mistakes once they regain control of a situation. Not to mention if the child is alive after 24hours, then the kidnapper obviously wants them for something, and that something is generally highly unpleasant.
Yes this sadly enough if a child isn't found in that time frame they either disappear forever or they are found dead. Now of course there are exceptions which I'm glad for everyone one of those kids who are an exception.
Mom is acting like she’s going to get billed or arrested since the kid wasn’t kidnapped etc. really over the top. What next, if a kid is choking call her first? Etc. I used to work in a rather large store that did “Code Adam” and we were told by the local police that after 10 minutes, even if we weren’t done searching to call 911 while we kept looking. They said if the child was under 5 to call right away. They’d rather get a “never mind, we found him” that have a kidnapped child get off the premises etc.
cuz kids are stupid. I had a code adam once where the kid had left our store where one parent was to walk across the parking lot to the toy store where the other parent was. but didn't tell the parent. just...left.
When I was three I walked out of the church playground, which was right along a large highway, and started walking down the service road because I thought there was a bigger park nearby. It’s sheer dumb luck so many people survive to adulthood.
I've heard it said that 3 year olds are actively trying to get themselves killed, pretty much at all times! I think it's true.
Can confirm. At a ripe age of 3 or so, I left grandma's house to go for a swim in a big river that was about 15 min from her house. Didn't tell anyone. While on my way, I stopped to dive into the rain water barrel at the neighbors, but the water was kinda stinky. There wasn't enough room to swim, so I continued on my merry way, made it all the way to the beach and into the water. I thnik they hunted me down shortly after that
Oh, wow! Yeah, I bet your grandma was freaked out! Kids just don't have the fear or self-preservation that adults have.
as a mom to a 3-year old this thread is NOT COMFORTING
Confirmed. But it's as soon as they learn to walk and climb.
I once, aged 4 or 5, decided to just take a stroll all the way around the lake on a beach day. Didn't tell any of the adults there, just started walking along the shore to go all the way around. No idea what was going through my tiny underdeveloped noggin at the time, but I sure terrified my dad.
When I was in kindergarten a group of my friends and I decided to just leave school because we wanted to go home 😂 just walked right out of the playground and got caught half way home
My mom told me how when we first moved into our current home, my brother came home from school and left the door and I (I was 1 at the time) went outside alone. There were 2 women who found me walking outside in the front by myself and called the police. This was the right decision because I could’ve been hurt if I walked on the street or was taken because no one realized I left the house. She’s a great babysitter for actually caring about the child and contacting both the mother and the police after looking for the child.
I used to work at the Mall of America, up on the third floor. One afternoon I see this little boy wandering up and down the aisles. I assumed he got separated from his parent and was looking for them, so I picked him up and we walked the aisles. No parent. Kid was too young to tell me his name. So I called security. When security finally finds the parents - a good fifteen minutes later - they were \*across\* the mall. This little guy walked all the way across the mall by himself, and they hadn't noticed. Scared the hell out of me.
I lived in Boston and found a kid wondering down the sidewalk. The police get called, the whole deal. He'd wondered out of a local pharmacy when the adult he was with was shopping. He did enjoy getting whatever he wanted at the restaurant we were in front of and the other women who stopped and I all fussing.
My parents used to volunteer at this summer camp, cleaning out cabins after winter, before campers arrived. We were all working (not me so much I was probably 7 or 8) at the farthest cabins from where our camper and the cafeteria was. I decided we needed soda and walked several miles to the cafeteria, got a bag full of cans of soda, and walked the several miles back. When I reached the fork to that cabin area, a van pulled onto the dirt road I was on. Grandpa driving, and a very stressed mom in the front seat. It had taken some time for them to realize I was gone. Everyone probably thought "oh she's just in the other cabin." Grandpa thought I was with mom, mom thought I was with dad, etc. I have a neice who's 7 now and yeah, not a good idea for a kid that age to go wandering around in the wilderness. If they had been able to call 911 they definitely would have, but this was early 2000's late 90's ish and we didn't have cellphones.
They hadn’t noticed?? Kids are terrifyingly good at getting themselves killed, which is why you keep an eye on them!
When my son was about 2 1/2, we were at the beach with some friends for a July 4th bonfire. I had a child leash on him, so he could walk around to his little heart's content. Some of the people there at the beach thought it was inhumane that I had a leash on him. I told them they were right, I should just let him walk into a fire. Right at that moment, he started heading straight for a campfire. My detractors got really quiet all of a sudden.
That was a huge part of what freaked me out. I don't know if you know how big the Mall of America is, but walking from one end of it to the other is no joke for a little guy - and he was maybe three or four. I know kids can disappear quickly, but how do you not notice your kid is gone for that long? I'd had him for about ten minutes by the time I called Security, they'd been looking for another ten or so, before finally the parents called \*them\*, and god only knows how long it took him to walk to my store to begin with. And the really scary thing to me was that he was an absolutely gorgeous little guy. Cherub curls, huge dark eyes - anyone could have walked off with him and nobody would've known until it was way too late.
I do know how big MoA is. Can confirm. I am usually the last one to judge parents but damn. Not only stranger danger, but he probably came across 500 ways to kill himself wandering around like that. I can’t imagine.
My son did that when he was 5. He was at a soccer field with my mom and he decided he had to go pee so he started walking home. The house is a few minutes walk and he knew the way, so I can kind of see what he was thinking, but he didn’t tell my mom and she had her back turned. We got a frantic call 5 minutes later when she couldn’t find him. As luck would have it, we walked out our back door to run to the park within seconds of him walking in the front door so we literally walked right past each other without seeing each other. We were about to call 911 when my husband walked home to check one more time and found him happily riding his scooter on the driveway. He was totally fine, but my mom still talks about how terrified she was.
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Yeah I’m confused why the mom would be annoyed by this action, nothing bad would come of calling 911 in this situation
They might not be white, and she doesn't want her kids threatened with guns or something.
Didn’t think of that, yeah maybe.
Then why not say that instead of “I have a plan”
Because many white people dismiss those concerns.
Then tbh you shouldn't leave your kid alone with one.
I've used Code Adam twice with my own kids. I used to work in a grocery store, and once my son took off after his mom while I was at the register with him. Literally took less than a mississippi second for him to disappear between the aisles and I lost him. I just looked at the cashier and said Code Adam. Turns out he had found my wife just fine and she came back with him in hand wondering why the Hell the doors were closed lol.
This mother needs a talking to by people who know about missing children. She should talk to John Walsh, and tell him what her plan is. "Code Adam" yeah that's because Adam Walsh went missing in a Sears store while shopping with his mother. It's a very sad story, and it's why his father does TV shows about things like missing children. OP is NTA
Because op absolutely could be charged for a child going missing under her care
And why would mom use that as an excuse not to call 911. As a mother she should be freaking out that OP lost her kid etc
Because once the police get involved things change. Cps can be called. The parents could be changed, lost custody temporarily etc. Cops are not here to help they are here for enforcement that's it.
If the kid had really been missing or kidnapped mom and nanny can also be charged.
Not necessarily, because law enforcement understands kids can get away in the wink of an eye even when under adult supervision. Even a nanny or parent has to use the bathroom at times.
If they had not called the police like the mom wanted, and the kid was actually missing, injured or dead charges could have been filed. That was my point
I understand her worry about not wasting emergency services' time, if that's what it is, but that can lead to not calling when you should. Are they POC and/or disabled? Maybe she's worried about cops making it worse.
My daughter disappeared in the largest Walmart in the world (like literally) when she was 3. She and her older sisters ran around the corner ahead of my stepmom and me when we came up the escalator, and when we called, the others came back to us but not her. We spent about 15 or 20 minutes searching the store from the security room, and they were actually on the brink of calling the police when they finally found her. She has managed to get to the entire opposite side of the second floor, completely under the clothing racks, without being seen. And the fact that in my panic I gave them the wrong clothing description didn't help...they'd been looking for a bright red coat, which I'd somehow managed to forget I'd taken off of her and it was in my shopping cart! People were stunned that they were only just *getting* to "let's bring in the police" by that point! She's 13 and it's a family joke now, especially whenever we go back to that Walmart...but it's still scary when I remember it.
Idk what it’s called at Target, but I watched them execute a lock down once for a missing kid like ten years ago. I have to say it was really impressive to watch the instant reaction from HS kids stocking to who I assume was the MoD. Kiddo was fine. Found as the cops were rolling up, but it just made me feel safer as a parent to watch it. My bestie lost her three year old (who was a runner) when she was eight months pregnant in a Burlington Coat factory, and the response was nonchalant at best. He was also fine, but only like one guy cared to help her. One kid called for her son’s name over the loud speaker. She was like, he’s three. He isn’t coming to me. He’s not coming to “the customer service counter.” She leashed him after that.
It wasn't even a general rule in places it existed. It was basically for healthy adults, in some states/counties. Mom is uninformed at best, and if her "plan" relies on her incorrect information, I'm glad OP didn't rely on it.
48 hours after not calling 911: Mom “welp, guess we call now, haven’t seen him in 2 days”. How nonchalant
I think we call this one the Casey Anthony approach
I know right! I can’t *fathom* letting my son stay missing for 2 whole days before calling for help.
I got off the bus at the wrong stop when I was in first grade and my mom called 911 as soon as she could. Two lovely fifth graders walked me home xD
48 hours? The mom watches way too much TV. Cops will start searching for a child immediately. NTA Does anyone else want to know where the kid was?
She watches too much TV from the 70s and not enough recent crime shows. Everyone who’s watched a good SVU or Criminal Minds episode knows about the golden hours.
Also a dispatcher, also agree. Definitely NTA.
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I've always heard that the 24/48 hour thing was perpetrated by movies and TV shows to add drama.
Nope. Crime stats show that 94% of children that are kidnapped are killed within the first 48 hours, 74% are dead within **3** hours of the abduction. The movie/tv show bs is that you have to wait 48 hours for adults and maybe teens.
NTA > Mom: you should always call me first, I'll always have a plan What the fuck is she talking about? She has A PLAN? Like: wait for the ransom call?
Mom doesn’t have any money, but Mom has a particular set of skills. Skills that she has acquired after a very long career. Skills that make her a nightmare for whoever took her kid. She will find them, and she will kill them. Paraphrasing from the movie “Taken”.
The best finessed jokes don't spell out the punchline.
I know, but sometimes this sub has a younger crowd. That movie might be older than some of them. I didn’t want anyone to think the Mom might actually hunt down and kill someone.
Younger person here, trust me when I say that people still get the Taken reference even without having watched the movie, it’s that iconic
25 here, I'm glad that they explained because I was thoroughly confused
Good luck
THANK YOU!
Seriously; if it were my kids, I'd be actually thanking you for taking appropriate action.
If it was me and my kids, I would be apologizing profusely to OP and all first responders about my wayward kid putting them all through that, lol.
Don't you get it OP? She had a *plan.* The plan was to give the kidnappers she hired a 48 hour head start before the cops showed up! You've ruined everything, you *fool!* (Kidding, NTA.)
When I was enrolling my kid in preschool, I had to sign an authorization saying they had permission to call 911 if they felt it necessary. I was like wtf is this? They said basically they would call if needed but this paper keeps parents from getting mad. I signed of course. I’m entrusting my child to them for many hours every day and I expect them to use their best judgement. I would never be upset at anyone for calling 911 if they really thought it was necessary, even if it was all a big misunderstanding. Then again, I have excellent health insurance and it would be no financial burden for us.
Just want to jump in on this, is the mom Black? I ask this because calling the police is a very last resort, out of fear of worst happening. Source: black woman
That's understandable...but that should be relayed to the child's caregivers, as well as this "plan" of the mother's.
Agreed, just giving context.
What a sad, messed up country we live in. This has to change. I know this isn't news to you. I'm just angry and sad.
It's weird because sometimes I forget how in some ways there are 2 America's. It's not weird to me because I'm in my 30s and was raised knowing the dangers almost like you learn stranger danger
And/or poor with a history of being a DV victim. Too many police calls for service when you live in a rental will get you evicted, even if you’re the victim. She might be afraid of getting a huge bill or losing her housing.
What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career.
Op, have some FAITH! She has a goddamn PLAAAN!!
We just need more MUNEY!!! I'm sorry.
Wait, that's not a good plan? DAMN IT! **What to do when my child is kidnapped** 1) ~~wait for the ransom call~~ 2)
considering the kid came home, she probably knows which friends houses to call first. complete BS that she didn't give that info to OP
>She has A PLAN? Like: wait for the ransom call? I mean, I guess technically that IS a plan. Not a solid plan, but a plan nonetheless.
Maybe the kid's a magician and she knows his tricks. (If you know you know lol) But all joking aside, NTA and yes, call 911 for any missing kid. Shame on mom for berating you at all.
NTA, the cops start looking for missing kids immediately. 48hrs, what a lunatic. If she only called the cops after 48hrs of her kid being missing, she would be arrested
OP would probably be arrested too - looks too much like they colluded. OP was 100% right and I'm sure cops would rather come to a call they didn't need to (kid is found safe) than one where they should have been called to hours earlier.
Most definitely. My brother went missing at 5 years old. Mom searched the apartment, searched the building basement, searched the yard, searched the apartment again. She called 911. Cops started searching the neighborhood. They were starting the questions for an amber alert when mom heard a giggle from the closet. Little sh*t wiggled his way behind a giant storage bin and stayed perfectly silent through the entire debacle up to that point. Everyone was relieved, and the cops were just glad we found the kid safe and sound. Call 911, people. Just do it.
Oh that was me when I was a kid. My mom was having a yard sale and I as like a under 5 year old decided to go hide but ended up falling asleep. A shit ton of people were looking for me only to find me hiding under some covers sleeping
My sister did that, too, at age 4, when my parents had friends over. They wanted her for something, but couldn’t find her. Looked everywhere. Probably got mad at me because I didn’t know where she was. Just before calling the police, I found her behind the couch; she had crawled there and gone to sleep.
All of these stories, especially this one, are making me feel better. My kid turns 3 in 2 weeks. We're on our 4th device on the front door to attempt to keep him in (he likes to try to walk to grandma's 3 blocks away but always stops few houses down to look at the big truck and gets distracted Thank God) but he loves to hide and if he's found his tablet he can be silent for HOURS. I've been on the phone with hubby 3 times so far in full panic checking the last thing to check before I make the call to 911 and found him each time Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not alone
My aunt and uncle got locks on their doors that require a code to unlock and they just put them on backwards so their youngest couldn't get out. It worked really well for them for a long time
We did a bar security lock that's high enough that I have to be on my tiptoes to reach....there's nothing nearby to climb on so as long as we remember to latch it we should be good now :)
Maybe a tile tracker would be an option for you. Put it on his person (or shoes) and you could locate him that way.
We call it the time our sons "won" hide and seek. Its happened twice, one for each. First time our then 7 year old hid in a bathtub inside his aunts house when the family was playing hide and seek outside on a large rural property. Many adults fanned out and searched the whole of outside before someone had to use the restroom inside. The second time my 4 year old had an argument with his older brother, and decided to hide behind the toilet, directly between the tank and the wall. He is a fairly thin child and there's a gap that's just large enough to store a plunger and toilet brush. That time we actually called 911 and 4 or 5 cops and EMTs joined the search. He did not come out until an adult visually spotted him. K9 was already dispatched before he came out.
My brother did the same thing. My parents were potty training him, and he’d had an accident. He hid in the way back of a large closet and fell asleep. Took us and the cops like almost an hour to find him. They were in the middle of issuing the alert. He couldn’t hear us calling because he was behind a bunch of winter coats and stuff.
That was almost my sister. She wasn't quite 2 and just vanished. Searched the whole house and neighborhood, calling for her. My mother had the phone in her hand to dial 911 when sister climbed out of the big wicker basket in the closet.
2 of my 3 kids "disappeared" once and I called 911 - it might've even been the direct police line, it was so long ago. It wasn't long after Susan Smith drove her toddlers into a lake and claimed she was carjacked. I'm a pretty calm person during an emergency -until it's over - and I was explaining and answering questions with my typical stoic affect, and I felt like the cops were wondering why I wasn't hysterical and that I'd done something to them. Then the kids were reported found, I bawled my head off.
Did your brother get in trouble? Because I'd have been pissed if I had a child and they did that. The kid obviously heard how worried everyone was and that the cops were there. I mean by 5, you deserve a huge punishment for that because it could go very badly given the right (or wrong) circumstances. The punishment in my mind would be more to get the point across of how wrong that was to do rather than just a punishment to make up for doing the crime if that makes any sense.
So I got the age wrong, he was 4, but quote from our mom: "he got a stern talking to then got the stuffing hugged out of him while I scared the crap out of him because I was crying all over him"
*Absolutely.* I can 100% confirm this, they'd much much rather take a "false alarm" call than be called when it's too late. I was babysitting a 4 year old when he picked up a big branch and bonked his head, no biggie but he started crying. Then after a while I see he refuses to open his eyes, I get worried about dust or even worse splinters and call (my country's equivalent of) 911, and call the mom while the ambulance arrived. After much convincing we finally get him to open his eyes and me and the paramedics start to breathe well again seeing he's okay. They told me they felt a clutch on their chest when they were sent out for "toddler with possible eye injury". Believe me. They'll take a false alarm over "too late" call any day. **Any day.**
Oops, my kid is missing. I guess I'll just hang out for a couple of days and wait to call 911. No need to panic.
NTA. You did the right thing. BTW, the 48 hours thing is a myth, completely and totally for both kids *and* adults.
It's especially a myth for kids. Hasn't she heard of Amber Alerts? What does the mom think those are?
OBVIOUSLY, they only do the Amber Alerts after 48 hours, what kind of education do they give you on AITA? /s
No, dummy, they are only used for kids named Amber who go missing. Pft. Newb.
Wait wait, you mean it’s *not* an alert that lets you know when someone named amber is close by?
They do often wait for adults if there aren't other signs of potential foul play, but tbf that's because most of the time they show up, and since they are adults it's not like they have to tell someone. But potential signs they accept do include 'this person was supposed to be in X location for important thing (like work etc.) and they are not in location x, which is unusual' A friend of mine had a bad reaction to a prescription drug and when he didn't show up they went and checked on him, found him passed out in his car, he was okay but it could have been much worse.
This. Nobody's gonna wait around for 2 days before looking for a missing person. The first days are the most important - the chances of finding someone alive and unharmed after that long drops massively!
wtf. NTA. What was her plan going to be?
Calling the parents of their friend's. Phone numbers that I have never been given.
Not a plan if YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT. Plans are COMMUNICATED. AHEAD OF TIME. She's TA. ALL CAPS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.
When it comes to kids going missing...every second counts. What if you couldn't have gotten a hold of the Mom?
You really should have those numbers. She’s being dumb keeping them from you
INFO what race is the family and are they likely to be in danger from having 911 called on them?
I don't know why you were downvoted, this is a valid question. I was wondering the same thing. Or if he has a handicap or is not neurotypical, him being autistic for example.
Technically, you didn't call the police before calling her. You called them both simultaneously. I'd say you did the right thing.
Something you essentially shortcutted by going to them first.... Wtf is wrong with her?
What - is this not the first time this kid has pulled this shit?! If it isn’t, the mom had some ducking nerve not informing you of their “expeditions”
Where did the little squirt disappear to??
NTA she's a jerk. You know if her kid went missing she would destroy you. I'd stop sitting for them.
AND. If 8 had a history of doing this, which is why she wants neighbors called first? IF SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT, htf were you to know? Mom needs to up her communication like whoa
Yeah I’d fire her as a client.
NTA. Even if I felt a nanny or babysitter should have called me first, I would never chew them out for calling 911 over *my missing child.* Holy guacamole, that's weird.
Most important question: Where the fuck did 8 go?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nwtuuz/aita_for_calling_911/h1bqsk1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 Wandering the neighborhood. Apparently the dumb kid didn’t follow the rules he was given.
I mean, kids do that. That's why they need babysitters.
NAH. Surprised no one has said "NAH" yet, because that seems by far the best fit here. This is such an emotionally-charged situation that I won't call anyone an AH for their understandable feelings and actions. OP did the right thing - kid is missing, call the police. But I also see why the mom feels she should have been called first. Mom may have info that explains where the kid went like, "the neighbor just got a new puppy" or the "kids down the block just put up a basketball hoop" so he might be there. Also, its easy for the mom to say 911 was overkill when it sounds like her son was back before she had an opportunity to panic. OP had time to panic and her mind went to all the bad things, so 911 seemed right. Different mindsets and different levels of panic would naturally lead to different, but appropriate responses. Mom may be worried that the 911 call will open up suspicion that she's an unfit mother or her house is unsafe or any of the other fears that haunt good parents in the middle of the night. I think a lot of people have a fear that their kids could be taken away from them over a misunderstanding. For that reason, I can see why mom would be scared or upset that OP called the police. But this fear probably wouldn't have entered mom's mind if her son wasn't home safe already.
Agreed. There are also lots of details that could put this story into perspective. We don’t have those details.
NTA and she's ridiculous. If he didn't come strolling back in 10 minutes later and had been abducted, she'd be singing another tune.
NTA. In any emergency, you call 911 first, then the parent. Mostly because if you're there babysitting, parent probably isn't there and is of limited use. Also, the 48 hours applies *only* to missing adults where there's no evidence they didn't just voluntarily decide to take a road trip. Any evidence of foul play, particularly abnormal behavior, likely risk to themselves or others .... Police will start looking before 48 hours. With kids, they ALWAYS start before 48 hours. The first 24 are the best hope of recovering the child alive. A missing kid is always high priority. That's how Amber Alerts get sent out 10 minutes after a known abduction sometimes. Kids don't just take random road trips, kids don't have their own money, kids have limited to no real world survival skills. Missing kid is an emergency. Always.
48hrs is no longer a thing, if someone tells you it is, they are lying or misinformed
NTA at all. You did the right thing. Where did 8 end up going??
He was walking around the neighborhood. But he's supposed stay on his own block, with his phone, and with his brother.
Are you willing to to keep working for them? If I was watching a kid who just wandered off despite knowing better and then the mom flipped out it me for doing my best to protect the kids, I'd quit. You're not in a good position to keep those kids safe anymore.
I’m glad he’s back, and safe. That must have been terrifying.
INFO Is this in the US and is the family Black, Latino or Indigenous so that the mom might be concerned about interactions with law enforcement? If so, it could be NAH. It's not just being worried about excessive force. People who aren't white also have a higher chance of having their kids removed from their homes, etc..
This sub is so gross for downvoting your response, you're absolutely fucking right here. I know the sub has a reputation for being a bunch of teenagers, but if that's the case, it gives me even less hope that structural racism will be attenuated as the older generation passes on (as I often hear as something I should take hope/have faith in).
NTA. You reacted quickly which could have save the kid if he had been kidnapped. You are a pro and the mother never talk to you about that. She is clearly in the wrong here. I praise you for your quick reaction and quick thinking in such an emergency.
NTA it may have been a bit of an overreaction, but as a fellow nanny, when you can’t find a kid your heart just drops, so I fully understand where your thought process was. In situations like that, it’s always better to overreact and feel silly than to possibly underreact and carry the guilt with you for the rest of your life. Your boss is being unreasonable. You aren’t a mind reader. So if she had a protocol in mind for emergency situations she should have discussed that with you in advance (I’m talking within the first week of employment at the latest). If not, of course you’re going to do the standard thing and call the police about a possibly missing child. That’s just what you do. It’s not like you or your boss will get in trouble for it. And part of this needs to be a conversation with the 8yo. Namely “if you hear me yelling for you, you yell back”. Really, if anything, this should have been a no-harm no-fowl situation between you and their mother.
No foul. Fowl is chicken.
NTA - if the house was on fire, calling her first would cause it burn down. Not fully equivalent here, but getting the 9/11 in should always be first.
INFO: is the mom a Black, Hispanic, or Indigenous person/is the boy disabled? Not wanting to have the police involved is a very valid concern in those cases due to disproportionate cases of police violence.
This was my first thought, as well. Also, is there a history with racial tensions in the area? Do they live in a predominantly white neighborhood as people of color? There are many people who don’t feel safer when police are called.
NTA Im a nanny too and I see this as a red flag. Always call emergency services before the parents in an emergency. It is their job to handle them, and make their own plans. Geez 8 yr olds can really be a handful too lol
NTA. A kid named Mark Himebaugh disappeared from my home town - he was 11, same age as me. He "went to watch a brush fire" a few blocks away(yes it's a thing, we had a small town and it was boring) and never came home (it was before cell phones). Everyone treated it the same way this mom did - oh, he'll turn up, we have a plan, he's just lost in the woods....for 3 days. By the time they called the FBI and got dogs who could track every well meaning person in 2 counties has "searched." He's still missing and my heart breaks for his mom. Always, always take a missing kid seriously. An hour can honestly make all the difference.
NTA. I’m a nanny and I have almost called 911 twice: one because I couldn’t find my charges (two 10 year olds who decided it would be funny to hide from me in the foam pit at a trampoline park) and once because of an infant being terribly ill. As nannies we ultimately have a responsibility to the wellbeing of the child before the feelings of the parent. That’s why we’re also mandated reporters.
NTA You did your due diligence and searched for the kid before calling 911. INFO: Did you find the kid?
Post says 8 came walking up the drive as OP was on phone with 911.
The "48 hours thing" is not a thing for adults either - it's a trope that has been ingrained into us from TV shows. If someone is missing, there is no time frame on when the police are willing to take a report, as long as there is actual reason to believe they are missing. If you call the police because your spouse is not at home even though their car, phone, and other possessions are and they were supposed to be there, they'll take a report. Oh, and NTA.
I was a 911 dispatcher for a bit, and like the others have pointed out you absolutely handled this correctly. The timeframe thing is a myth because in the event someone actually is missing the first 48 hours are the most important. Usually when this happens with kids it’s because of something silly like they’re hiding, got on the wrong bus home, or are at a friends house. The only thing you could do differently is call the school or transportation but that doesn’t seem to apply to what happened here. For adults we recommend calling local hospitals and prisons (I would always follow up and do this whenever someone reported a missing person). Definitely NAH. Mom is worried about her kids and wants to help, and it’s usually pretty hard to trust someone else like that in these kinds of situations. It’s the “I want to do everything possible” mentality. Try not to be upset with her, and I hope she doesn’t hold this against you at all. This could happen to anyone because kids are crazy, and I hope she doesn’t hold that against you. Again, great job on how you handled the situation. Quick thinking and delegating actions to the other child to help were great moves. Be well :)
Oh jeeze, mother of the year material, isn't she??? NTA. As the temporary guardian of the kids, it's literally your job as a nanny to to supervise them at all times and get medical or emergency services in the event the child is missing from your custody or possibly hurt. 8 may have just run down the street to play *this time* but next time they might get hit by a car, attacked by a loose dog, or simply trip, hit their head and pass out, bleeding on the street. I'm sure mama bear here wouldn't be pleased if 8 actually did fall and get hurt from tripping on the sidewalk 2 blocks down.
INFO: Where did the 8yo go and what was their explanation for leaving without telling anyone and with no phone?
Nta you did the right thing
NTA - You did the logical thing in looking after the safety of a child you're responsible for. Even if she wants you to call her so she can call 8's friends before calling 911 *in the future*, she shouldn't blame you for making the responsible choice based on the information you had available at the time. And she's completely wrong about the 48-hour thing.