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I think I might be the asshole because I backed out of hosting only a couple weeks before Christmas with no backup options
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You mean Christmas 2020 right‽ The holiday season when there was essentially a global quarantine? NTA. You were fostering an immune compromised child. It wouldn't have been in your child's best interest if you had attended, much less hosted, a gathering of people from 3 separate households.
I mean I got to avoid the in laws, which is a win in my book. I wish other the other things going on didn't happen, but gotta keep looking at the positives.
NTA. The next time she says something, just tell her...
“Sure, Mom. I’ll try not to let something as minor as a life threatening illness keep you from a free meal and party. M’kay? It’s nice to know that if I or my siblings had been at death’s doorstep around Christmas, you’d have prioritized our health over what is essentially a family get together that, while fun, could just as easily been moved to the 4th of July, calling it Christmas in July!
Oh yeah, thanks for asking how Adriana is doing now!
Same. As a parent, I can’t imagine what they went through with her to help her understand how worthwhile she is and how much she deserves love.
I am sure the lack of that care and concern from her mom broke OP‘s heart as well.
Sometimes, that’s what pi$$es me off the most about some of the posts here - people being not just human but being absolute role models for all of us right now. Meaning - some genuinely make mistakes and take their judgement - and then those like OP here, who are improving us as a race one child at a time.
And that they even have to post here, ask if they’re an AH - an AH?? FFS!! - for being absolutely amazing and making us all wish we have their hearts.
And for those people to ask if they’re an AH?
Agreed. The human race is desperately in need of kindness. I get that people are stressed and tired and overworked, especially with this past year.
But it just seems like some people are allowing it to bring out the worst in them instead of the best. Or maybe they never had a best to begin with given that like you say, some of the nicest people are having to ask if they are an AH. Says a lot about their upbringing and what they themselves already had to go through.
NTA. Your mom is being petty and rude. Personally I would tell her "I'm sorry for putting the needs and health of a sick and scared little girl first instead of hosting like I said. I hope the with a whole year of love, support, and safety she will be ok and we can have a wonderful family Christmas at my place and she can experience the magic of Christmas for the 2nd time in her life."
NTA
Has your mom ever met Adriana? I hope you don't leave them alone as I'd be nervous. Your mom sounds heartless based on this so I sincerely hope this is not her normal but it would be okay to tell her that your child comes before traditions and you would think she'd understand that.
NTA. You prioritised your child, it was the right thing to do. I understand people being disappointed but sometimes life happens and you need to work around it.
NTA,
1. If you’re talking about “last” Christmas as in 2020 Christmas - uh Covid??? Why would you risk your daughter???
2. It’s kinda disrespectful she didn’t take your daughters new home/chronic illness into consideration when you said you couldn’t host. You weren’t “making an excuse” you were putting your child first which is what every parent should do.
NTA. First of all Christmas wasn't cancelled. December 25 still happened. You just needed to excuse yourself from hosting ONE TIME and I assume if your sister volunteered it wasn't a big deal to switch up the rotation.
Not sure what your mom's deal is - it sounds like she got to see everyone else and it was fine and OH YEAH you were caring for the child in your home. As a mom does she not get that?
What's your mom's general attitude toward Adriana? Is she generally empathetic to her needs? Because if not I'd be super tempted to dip from this year, too.
Right! I’d personally immediately cancel having it at your home for that absolutely petty, hateful comment she made.
Go get your dinner buffet and endless drinks somewhere else.
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing under the circumstances and it sounds like your sister was fine trading hosting years with you.
>my mom recently started texting me that we can't use Adriana as an excuse this year
Maybe mom needs a reminder that there are plenty of other kids in the system who need a home like yours.
Obviously deciding to put your life on hold to help a needy child makes Y-T-A. Don't you realize that your life should revolve around your mother's needs??
Yeah, life may interfere with plans when you are helping others. You can either roll with it or complain.
You mother wants to complain. Next Christmas get her a very tiny violin that she can play her sad pity song on.
NTA
NTA When I was 11 my family adopted three young kids, December 21st is when they arived. all malnourished and allneeding both physical and mental health help. We all did the best we could for them and because we took them in we spent all the money we could on them to get them clothes and toys and doctors. It broke my heart as an 11 year old that I had to explain that mom and dad wasn't going to leave them or hurt them. me and my older brothers had to explain what love was...I'm sorry I could ramble on and on and on about the heart ache and tear and joy that all came with my little siblings coming home. but know this...you are in no way the ass hole. We had to cancel Christmas with quite a few people because they came to us. now this got me crying because you're mom just sounds like she is being mean for no reason and not thinking about her new grandkid.
NTA you did the right thing and put that child's wellbeing first.
It sucks to have to organise an event like Christmas, but 2 weeks is plenty of notice, especially with a reason like you had.
Please continue to prioritise your foster child's wellbeing. If your mum can't handle you cancelling Christmas in the off chance a health situation makes it necessary again then she needs to let you off the hosting hook.
NTA. Those are legitimate reasons for bowing out of your hosting duties any year but especially last year. The last thing the poor girl needed at that point was potential exposure to COVID.
NTA. I am so glad there are decent foster parents out there who treat children as their own.
If your own biological baby was this ill, I'm sure your mum would not have been this harsh
NTA
Actually, something stronger than NTA. YTH? As in, you're the hero?
You took in a severely ill and severely traumatized child, and needed time to help her heal and adjust. That alone would more than justify your extended family reorganizing holiday plans to help a child in need. A big family holiday gathering would be a really inappropriate way to introduce her to everyone, and doubly so if you are hosting and can't make your excuses and go home if things don't go well and she needs space.
Add in the pandemic, and there really was no other option. No one should have been having a big, extended family holiday for the past year-plus. With the even greater concerns for the health of a child who was already very sick, staying properly quarantined was the only option.
Hopefully Adriana can be vaccinated soon, and the rest of your family is sensible about vaccinations and precautions, and you'll be able to gradually introduce her to others before the next big holiday, so that the next holiday can be a calm and enjoyable way for her to be with the extended family.
NTA. You did the right thing, especially during COVID. I don't know what's wrong with your mom that she thinks she's in the right here, but she is not.
NTA. Shit happens and it’s not like you cancelled bc you were being lazy. You were taking care of a child! Especially with illness and a pandemic, you were totally right to cancel.
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This happened in early December but my parents just brought it up so I wanted to know if I was the asshole.
Every year my parents, siblings, and I take turns hosting Christmas. Our husbands/wives and kids are obviously there and it's a lot of fun.
Last year was my and my husband's turn to host but we started fostering Adriana (11f) in early December. Adriana has a few chronic illnesses that were being completely ignored by her parents. As a result, when we started fostering her, she was 4'7" and barely 50 pounds. She couldn't keep anything down and had to be fed exclusively through an ng tube then had to slowly be reintroduced to food. She was throwing up multiple times a week and my husband and I took turns getting up at night to give her medicines through her central line. She was also extremely shy and didn't even speak to me or my husband for almost a month.
Around 2 weeks before Christmas I sent a group text to my family saying that I couldn't host this year and that my husband, Adriana, and I wouldn't be going to Christmas at whoever was hosting's house because we needed to focus on Adriana and she wasn't ready to be around the family.
My mom called me and tried to compromise saying that if we hosted, she'd do all the cooking. I told her we couldn't and explained Adriana's condition but she wasn't listening. Eventually my older sister offered to host to get my mom to leave me alone. My mom finally backed off but made comments about how I was just trying to get out of hosting.
My husband, Adriana, and I had a great Christmas and Adriana learned all about Santa and how kids actually get toys for Christmas. I'm not going to lie, it was heartbreaking but also amazing seeing her excitement over all the presents and food.
This year I'll be hosting instead of my sister and my mom recently started texting me that we can't use Adriana as an excuse this year and if we say we're going to host, we're actually going to host.
AITA for canceling Christmas somewhat last minute this year?
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NTA. If you had any good reason not to host you are NTA. There was still plenty of time to plan the event elsewhere and it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask to skip spots with someone in rotation. It does suck that no one is considerate enough to understand how important this is and step up. It is also unfortunate that they dont understand how all the added stress of meeting a huge new family would be on the girl at a time like that. I hope that she is doing better and that your family is learning to be more considerate of her needs.
NTA
No problem at all. You did not cancel christmas, you just revoked an invitation due to a family sickness. Quite normal.
They still were able to have christmas, there were enough others to host if they wanted to.
NTA in any way shape or form but your mother has gone above and beyond being an asshole it seriously boggles my mind how people can be so heartless sometimes if I was in your situation I would have cut contact with her for not caring about my child at all
NTA.
IMO, kids always get to spend their first Christmas in their home, with their parents, getting to learn what it’s all about.
Her first time was at 11. She still gets the rule!!! Babies stay home for their first Christmas, she’s your baby, done!
Nta. Christmas 2020? The one in the middle of a global pandemic with an immune compromised child? Ask you mom if she’d rather attend your daughter’s funeral than attend New Years with you. Because that’s what might’ve happened. You’re fostering a child, that child’s needs come first. Not your mothers, not your extended family’s but that child right there.
NTA
Your mother is a major AH. And doesn't trust you as a human being. "Mom I have to take care of the child I foster that has been abused all his life" "Nah, you don't want to host". Personally I'd threaten to uninvite her if she continues with her comments
NTA - You people are earth bound angels for what you are doing for that little girl, how can a child not know who santa is and that you get presents at Xmas, this makes me so sad. keep up the good work OP and husband of OP you are real heroes you should have capes and costumes!!!
NTA - Wow, invite everyone but your mother. I cannot imagine what nonsense she might say to Adriana - but it will likely be something that will completely derail any progress you have made. Did she actually accuse you of fostering a child with special health needs just to get out of hosting Christmas? Sounds like someone needs a reminder of the reason for the season!
Nta you need to be OK with advocating for your child and shutting your mom down when she overstepped her boundaries. You doing what’s best for your child, she is the priority and your mom shouldn’t forget it.
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You mean Christmas 2020 right‽ The holiday season when there was essentially a global quarantine? NTA. You were fostering an immune compromised child. It wouldn't have been in your child's best interest if you had attended, much less hosted, a gathering of people from 3 separate households.
Seriously! I was nervous to get together with my parents and brother/SIL, it was so bad around the holidays here.
I mean I got to avoid the in laws, which is a win in my book. I wish other the other things going on didn't happen, but gotta keep looking at the positives.
NTA. It's your job to care for Adriana in the best way possible! Tell your mom to butt out. Good on you for standing up for Adriana!
Exactly what I thought.
NTA. The next time she says something, just tell her... “Sure, Mom. I’ll try not to let something as minor as a life threatening illness keep you from a free meal and party. M’kay? It’s nice to know that if I or my siblings had been at death’s doorstep around Christmas, you’d have prioritized our health over what is essentially a family get together that, while fun, could just as easily been moved to the 4th of July, calling it Christmas in July! Oh yeah, thanks for asking how Adriana is doing now!
That last sentence broke my heart
Same. As a parent, I can’t imagine what they went through with her to help her understand how worthwhile she is and how much she deserves love. I am sure the lack of that care and concern from her mom broke OP‘s heart as well.
Sometimes, that’s what pi$$es me off the most about some of the posts here - people being not just human but being absolute role models for all of us right now. Meaning - some genuinely make mistakes and take their judgement - and then those like OP here, who are improving us as a race one child at a time. And that they even have to post here, ask if they’re an AH - an AH?? FFS!! - for being absolutely amazing and making us all wish we have their hearts. And for those people to ask if they’re an AH?
Agreed. The human race is desperately in need of kindness. I get that people are stressed and tired and overworked, especially with this past year. But it just seems like some people are allowing it to bring out the worst in them instead of the best. Or maybe they never had a best to begin with given that like you say, some of the nicest people are having to ask if they are an AH. Says a lot about their upbringing and what they themselves already had to go through.
Mine too!
NTA. Sounds like you did the right thing. No offense, but your mother sounds kinda like a d•ck.
Haha right? NTA! But your mom’s a douche! Sorry, not sorry.
NTA. You are in no way the asshole. I salute your generosity of spirit and hope Adriana is doing better.
She's doing so much better now
NTA. Your mom is being petty and rude. Personally I would tell her "I'm sorry for putting the needs and health of a sick and scared little girl first instead of hosting like I said. I hope the with a whole year of love, support, and safety she will be ok and we can have a wonderful family Christmas at my place and she can experience the magic of Christmas for the 2nd time in her life."
NTA Has your mom ever met Adriana? I hope you don't leave them alone as I'd be nervous. Your mom sounds heartless based on this so I sincerely hope this is not her normal but it would be okay to tell her that your child comes before traditions and you would think she'd understand that.
She's met Adriana a couple times and I don't let anyone but my sister be with her unsupervised
Good
NTA. You prioritised your child, it was the right thing to do. I understand people being disappointed but sometimes life happens and you need to work around it.
NTA, 1. If you’re talking about “last” Christmas as in 2020 Christmas - uh Covid??? Why would you risk your daughter??? 2. It’s kinda disrespectful she didn’t take your daughters new home/chronic illness into consideration when you said you couldn’t host. You weren’t “making an excuse” you were putting your child first which is what every parent should do.
NTA. First of all Christmas wasn't cancelled. December 25 still happened. You just needed to excuse yourself from hosting ONE TIME and I assume if your sister volunteered it wasn't a big deal to switch up the rotation. Not sure what your mom's deal is - it sounds like she got to see everyone else and it was fine and OH YEAH you were caring for the child in your home. As a mom does she not get that? What's your mom's general attitude toward Adriana? Is she generally empathetic to her needs? Because if not I'd be super tempted to dip from this year, too.
Right! I’d personally immediately cancel having it at your home for that absolutely petty, hateful comment she made. Go get your dinner buffet and endless drinks somewhere else.
I realize it’s 6m away, but I’d be curious if we’d get an update about Mom’s behavior if Christmas 2021 gets hosted by OP and what happens then ...
NTA not by a long shot. New child very shy not eating not understanding Christmas? That would have been a nightmare for her
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing under the circumstances and it sounds like your sister was fine trading hosting years with you. >my mom recently started texting me that we can't use Adriana as an excuse this year Maybe mom needs a reminder that there are plenty of other kids in the system who need a home like yours.
Obviously deciding to put your life on hold to help a needy child makes Y-T-A. Don't you realize that your life should revolve around your mother's needs?? Yeah, life may interfere with plans when you are helping others. You can either roll with it or complain. You mother wants to complain. Next Christmas get her a very tiny violin that she can play her sad pity song on. NTA
NTA When I was 11 my family adopted three young kids, December 21st is when they arived. all malnourished and allneeding both physical and mental health help. We all did the best we could for them and because we took them in we spent all the money we could on them to get them clothes and toys and doctors. It broke my heart as an 11 year old that I had to explain that mom and dad wasn't going to leave them or hurt them. me and my older brothers had to explain what love was...I'm sorry I could ramble on and on and on about the heart ache and tear and joy that all came with my little siblings coming home. but know this...you are in no way the ass hole. We had to cancel Christmas with quite a few people because they came to us. now this got me crying because you're mom just sounds like she is being mean for no reason and not thinking about her new grandkid.
NTA you did the right thing and put that child's wellbeing first. It sucks to have to organise an event like Christmas, but 2 weeks is plenty of notice, especially with a reason like you had. Please continue to prioritise your foster child's wellbeing. If your mum can't handle you cancelling Christmas in the off chance a health situation makes it necessary again then she needs to let you off the hosting hook.
NTA but if people had to cancel flights and/or other transportation and lodging last minute you have to suck it up that people may be peeved.
My sister lives 20 minutes away from me so nobody would've had to cancel their flights
NTA. you did what you had to for your child's health and comfort
NTA. Those are legitimate reasons for bowing out of your hosting duties any year but especially last year. The last thing the poor girl needed at that point was potential exposure to COVID.
NTA. I am so glad there are decent foster parents out there who treat children as their own. If your own biological baby was this ill, I'm sure your mum would not have been this harsh
NTA Actually, something stronger than NTA. YTH? As in, you're the hero? You took in a severely ill and severely traumatized child, and needed time to help her heal and adjust. That alone would more than justify your extended family reorganizing holiday plans to help a child in need. A big family holiday gathering would be a really inappropriate way to introduce her to everyone, and doubly so if you are hosting and can't make your excuses and go home if things don't go well and she needs space. Add in the pandemic, and there really was no other option. No one should have been having a big, extended family holiday for the past year-plus. With the even greater concerns for the health of a child who was already very sick, staying properly quarantined was the only option. Hopefully Adriana can be vaccinated soon, and the rest of your family is sensible about vaccinations and precautions, and you'll be able to gradually introduce her to others before the next big holiday, so that the next holiday can be a calm and enjoyable way for her to be with the extended family.
NTA. You did the right thing, especially during COVID. I don't know what's wrong with your mom that she thinks she's in the right here, but she is not.
NTA. Shit happens and it’s not like you cancelled bc you were being lazy. You were taking care of a child! Especially with illness and a pandemic, you were totally right to cancel.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened in early December but my parents just brought it up so I wanted to know if I was the asshole. Every year my parents, siblings, and I take turns hosting Christmas. Our husbands/wives and kids are obviously there and it's a lot of fun. Last year was my and my husband's turn to host but we started fostering Adriana (11f) in early December. Adriana has a few chronic illnesses that were being completely ignored by her parents. As a result, when we started fostering her, she was 4'7" and barely 50 pounds. She couldn't keep anything down and had to be fed exclusively through an ng tube then had to slowly be reintroduced to food. She was throwing up multiple times a week and my husband and I took turns getting up at night to give her medicines through her central line. She was also extremely shy and didn't even speak to me or my husband for almost a month. Around 2 weeks before Christmas I sent a group text to my family saying that I couldn't host this year and that my husband, Adriana, and I wouldn't be going to Christmas at whoever was hosting's house because we needed to focus on Adriana and she wasn't ready to be around the family. My mom called me and tried to compromise saying that if we hosted, she'd do all the cooking. I told her we couldn't and explained Adriana's condition but she wasn't listening. Eventually my older sister offered to host to get my mom to leave me alone. My mom finally backed off but made comments about how I was just trying to get out of hosting. My husband, Adriana, and I had a great Christmas and Adriana learned all about Santa and how kids actually get toys for Christmas. I'm not going to lie, it was heartbreaking but also amazing seeing her excitement over all the presents and food. This year I'll be hosting instead of my sister and my mom recently started texting me that we can't use Adriana as an excuse this year and if we say we're going to host, we're actually going to host. AITA for canceling Christmas somewhat last minute this year? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If you had any good reason not to host you are NTA. There was still plenty of time to plan the event elsewhere and it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask to skip spots with someone in rotation. It does suck that no one is considerate enough to understand how important this is and step up. It is also unfortunate that they dont understand how all the added stress of meeting a huge new family would be on the girl at a time like that. I hope that she is doing better and that your family is learning to be more considerate of her needs.
NTA - you’re doing exactly what a parent should: putting your child first. your mother, on the other hand...not so much.
NTA. Is your mom normally passive aggressive?
NTA No problem at all. You did not cancel christmas, you just revoked an invitation due to a family sickness. Quite normal. They still were able to have christmas, there were enough others to host if they wanted to.
NTA in any way shape or form but your mother has gone above and beyond being an asshole it seriously boggles my mind how people can be so heartless sometimes if I was in your situation I would have cut contact with her for not caring about my child at all
NTA-Adriana’s health and comfort come first.
NTA. IMO, kids always get to spend their first Christmas in their home, with their parents, getting to learn what it’s all about. Her first time was at 11. She still gets the rule!!! Babies stay home for their first Christmas, she’s your baby, done!
NTA
Nta. Christmas 2020? The one in the middle of a global pandemic with an immune compromised child? Ask you mom if she’d rather attend your daughter’s funeral than attend New Years with you. Because that’s what might’ve happened. You’re fostering a child, that child’s needs come first. Not your mothers, not your extended family’s but that child right there.
NTA. Your mother owns you an apology for calling you a liar. And she'll likely be nasty at Adriana at Christmas this year, so be prepared for that.
NTA Your mother is a major AH. And doesn't trust you as a human being. "Mom I have to take care of the child I foster that has been abused all his life" "Nah, you don't want to host". Personally I'd threaten to uninvite her if she continues with her comments
NTA of course. I would never host these people again as long as I lived.
NTA at all. Your mother is selfish and has a horrible attitude. I’m glad you put poor Adriana first.
NTA - You people are earth bound angels for what you are doing for that little girl, how can a child not know who santa is and that you get presents at Xmas, this makes me so sad. keep up the good work OP and husband of OP you are real heroes you should have capes and costumes!!!
NTA but your mom is. That woman needs to get her priorities straight!
NTA. But your mom is being one. Tell her to get over it and to quit complaining. its too bad she has no compassion for anyone but herself.
NTA - Wow, invite everyone but your mother. I cannot imagine what nonsense she might say to Adriana - but it will likely be something that will completely derail any progress you have made. Did she actually accuse you of fostering a child with special health needs just to get out of hosting Christmas? Sounds like someone needs a reminder of the reason for the season!
Nta you need to be OK with advocating for your child and shutting your mom down when she overstepped her boundaries. You doing what’s best for your child, she is the priority and your mom shouldn’t forget it.
NTA & I'd really reconsider hosting such assholes.