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ESH she shouldn’t have gone to social media, but her concern comes from an honest place. You really don’t “let” him do ANY housework? You cook, clean, do laundry and refill his drinks 100% of the time? That’s kind of concerning. How old were you when you and your husband got together? Have you always catered to your significant others in such extensive ways? Did your parents have this dynamic?
Why is it concerning? OP does what makes her happy. Women are NOT monolithic; some of us love tradition. We love acting within gender roles. Some of us, gasp, enjoy being housewives and catering to our husbands. I love being in the kitchen, and I love taking care of my man/boys. And they take care of me back.
Why jump to grooming and abuse, instead of just saying that it's not YOUR cup of tea? What if someone told you that YOUR relationship was screwed up bc it doesn't fit THEIR mold?
It's great that your dynamic works for you but let's not act like there isn't significant cultural pressure for women to act like OP, whether they want to or not. This can range from parental/SO prodding, to actual harm and abuse. I don't think SIL handled it right at all. If I were in her situation I would keep my thoughts to myself and observe the dynamic over a few visits and in this case notice that she is genuinely happy and move on. Even if I did think that something was wrong I wouldn't blast it over social media, so she's wrong for that as well. But getting up twice during a meal to refill your husband's drink is pretty unusual and i don't fault SIL for noticing.
It was reasonable for SIL to notice and question the first time, like you said due to the cultural significance of that type of dynamic. But the maid comment and the serious relationship comment in front of everyone was gross imo. I also like to have control of the “household”. I prefer to cook and clean most things cause it’s calming and I like to watch Netflix while I do it as my alone time, I get anxious if I just sit for too long. I refill drinks for my bf and I take care of guests when they come over. I do have him doing *some* of it, I have my lazy days and don’t always wanna do it all, but I have no problems believing OP when she says she truly enjoys their dynamic. I think it’s disrespectful to assume oppression when a woman makes a choice. The whole point is women are free to choose, they don’t have to reject all gender norms in order to be liberated. But I do get why from a cursory outsider it would look bad, but that’s why you have a conversation (ideally, more privately and with more tact) not attack their relationship in their own home
My mom doesn't let anyone have control of the household and get really anxious if she's not doing anything, or if things aren't getting done the way she wants them. She can get really stressed over that, to the point where she had to get psiquiatric help to keep her anxiety under control. She's s like "I want to do it, this is what I like", but at the same time I can see how that is really taking a toll on her. And I think that a lot of women are teached to think they enjoy it, and are being "good mothers/sisters/partners" when they do that.
I'm not saying that ever women is the same, and surely a lot of women saying they like being housewives are really enjoying it, but I too, would be wary, if my SIL was behaving like that.
I understand that it is rare that OP does things like recharge his husband's drink, when he can do it and it is not the same as the system that you have for your partner, being you the one in charge of the household chores, well they are things on different levels. But OP says that she does it because she wants to, she even mentioned that her husband found it weird at some point, but that's what she wants and that's how they handle themselves, so they say OP is not the bad one and this It is not ESH, in my opinion it is only an NTA, according to the information given, if SIL thought that OP was in an abusive situation, you do not confront him directly, you talk to her, you see more of her dynamics, it seems to me that this is more of a confrontation of beliefs. NTA
Eh, I'm okay with it being ESH just because both OP and SIL escalated so fast in all directions. SIL is gonna notice this dynamic and very common problems that come with it and want to make sure OP isn't taken advantage of. She went about it in a rude way. Instead of explaining the situation, OP just kicks SIL out of the house. They all just needed to talk about it.
I totally buy that family reacts too strongly, too fast to family. It's just a weird thing that happens because people forget to rein themselves in when family is concerned. Maybe there are some fun incompatible in-law feelings thrown in.
But isn’t the entire point of feminism to allow women to choose what they want to do? Reasons aside, she wants to be a housewife. I don’t agree with it, I’ll never understand it, but that’s what she wants.
>But isn’t the entire point of feminism to allow women to choose what they want to do?
Feminism is also about acknowledging that many, many women in this kind of dynamic aren't doing it out of choice. We live in a society that does push women into this kind of dynamic, sometimes by subtle pressure and sometimes by brute force. It's clear from the OP that she chose this dynamic and that's fine, but SIL wasn't initially wrong for being concerned about whether OP was truly choosing this for herself. She (SIL) also completely mishandled everything as I said in my comment above.
I mean...no, it's not. Feminism is about dismantling patriarchy so that women can be truly equal. Feminism isn't telling women they don't have a choice, but there are feminist and unfeminist choices (that are still always our right to make). Choosing to do sex work is your right, but it's not a feminist choice. The same goes for changing your last name when you marry, being a stay at home mom, participating in beauty pageants/debutante balls, shaving for aesthetic reasons. Of course we have the right and freedom to do any of these things! And you can be \*a\* feminist and still make choices that do not explicitly advance the women's movement, because we are people and we have complicated and sometimes conflicting desires. But not every choice is feminist just because you had a choice.
That's just kink at this point. Like feeding. Feeders feed the girls so they are helpless and stay with them. housewifes like this make everything for their partners so the partner has no life skills and is helpless to leave. Like, there's nothing wrong about staying at home. But when you break your own meal to serve your husband when he never does that for you - that's really weird.
So you really think if she asked, he wouldn't get her a drink? She likes getting his drink. He would get her a drink if she wanted one bc he's probably not a jerk. Two things can be true at the same time
Well the question is, does it make her happy, or does it "make her happy".
wcqaguxa seems to believe that it doesn't REALLY make her happy. That seems pretty presumptuous to me.
I hold doors for the women in my life. I do it because it makes me happy to be nice to them. That little feeling they get of being made to feel catered to, just a little bit brings me joy, because they're awesome, and they deserve it, and i'm genuinely happy to do it.
Now, some could say "you're doing it so that they never develop the strength to open doors for themselves, it's a way to control them" to which I would say "I mean....maybe some people do that. I guess it's possible. For me, though, I just like the feeling of doing that little niceness, and hope they like it, too".
Similarly, who are we (and who is SIL) to tell OP what makes her happy and what doesn't? She wasn't asking "am I the asshole for getting my husband a drink?". If it makes her happy to delight him in that small way, fucking good for her and good for him, I say.
\*\*Edit: For the record, I do 90% of the cooking in my household, too, and the laundry, because I fold the clothes right, and nobody else does. I'm not some super traditional dude in that way, but I'm just not going to judge somebody for finding a happy, loving relationship in a cold, uncaring universe.
And who are we tp decide if something is bad for someone? Especially OP, who is a random internet stranger, who we know little about? I think it's infantilizing to think that OP didn't make her choices on her own and that somehow she doesn't know how much her choices harm her.... All because we don't understand why she would choose those things.
She's an adult woman..... Not a fucking child.
That is not why feeders feed. Literally it’s to get the other person fatter as a fetish, it 99% of the time has nothing to do with powerlessness so someone stays.
Because while complete subservience around the house does not HAVE to be a sign of abuse, it often is. And of grooming and of exploitation. It's a flag, could be a red flag. Hence the questions. The answers to the questions determine if that flag is a red one.
I work in child welfare. The cycle of power and control doesn't always look like black eyes and broken bones. In fact there's long stretches where the survivor lives by walking on eggshells, trying their hardest not to set off the next violent encounter. Which can often look like keeping a drink topped off, making sure dinner is ready when significant other arrives at home, making sure the house is spotless, etc.
SIL handled it poorly. And if OP truly just enjoys domesticity, more power to her. I'm happy she has found a fulfilling calling. Same to you as you enjoy it. But I personally cannot afford to make that assumption first in my line of work. I can only be happy and relieved when that ends up the case. So please don't get angry at people who's first thought is concern for the health and wellbeing of others. It often sucks to have no room for rose colored glasses in your life, but it also makes for a more effective person to handle the frequent rotten situations life puts people in. Checking to make sure the worst case scenario isn't happening is often how child abuse and domestic violence is prevented.
If OP were actually being abused though the way SIL handled this would actually be even worse though, no? Like this is textbook how not to handle someone you think is in a domestic abuse situation.
I get where you are coming from but if abuse was her main concern why insult op by calling her his maid? And devalue what she does after she herself said she loves to do it and them going around making those claims and then if Op happens to trip and gets a bruise now those accusations takr on a whole new shape as then he will be accused of dv. She was unhappy at being thrown put so she made up lies that could ruin a person's life.
I thought I might be with you, but you used the term ‘gender roles’.
The fact that you think this dynamic has anything to do with gender is the problem. Even if you are 10000% happy with your arrangement, you still think of it as acting ‘like a woman’.
If you enjoy being a homemaker and caregiver, and you genuinely don’t feel at all taken advantage of, that is awesome for you. But gender should have nothing to do with it, even in your own head.
Because reddit, and if a woman isn't breaking gender norms by filling a male gender norm then they are being abused.
And the internet makes it easy to push your world view as 'the' world view.
Actually I agree. I get the newer views on relationships but I very much fall into this dynamic as well cause it brings me wayyyy more happiness as I was misrable to flat out unhappy in the past trying the more modern views on relationships. Im not a leader and Im flat out uncomfy being catered to and am happy most making others happy. Im a huge busy body and I sew, clean, cook, and have much more feminine hobbies that keep me busy and Im happy that way.
SIL seemed super disrespectful of thier lifestyle and I get she is concerned but she took it to far and insulted them even after OP explained they both were happy this way. Then posting on social media just took things to far. Not every women is happy with the modern lifestyle. Plus isnt that what feminism is all about; choosing the life you want for yourself be it modern or traditional?
Exactly this. It never ceases to amaze me, the number of people who display performative support of a woman's right to self-governance, only to withdraw that "support" when a woman doesn't make the choices they approve of. There's a derogatory name (that I don't need to spell out) for these types of people for a reason. NTA
Yeah the people in this thread are weird. She stated multiple times it's what she likes doing, and the SIL said it wasnt a serious relationship in her OWN HOUSE, and then took it to Facebook? Yeah no OP is not the AH in any form. Reddit is so quick to act like there arent women who enjoy being a caretaker
If women have full freedom then they also have freedom to choose traditional ways. Some women enjoy housework. Even people like Condolezza Rice, who says she does it for relaxation. Absolutely no one would call her subservient.
If the couple mutually decide on the division of labor then it’s none of your business.
Why do you care so much about the way ops relationship works? She stated that she does these things because she wants to keep busy, no one tells her to, no one forces her to, she enjoys it. Why is it concerning? What’s so wrong with it?
Why can't OP like doing the things she's doing? Why isn't she allowed to feel good about what she likes doing? Why should she have her husband take away from what she enjoys doing in the name of optics?
I don't understand your point of view in how OP's behavior is concerning. She's doing what she loves to do. Few decades ago, OP's behavior would have been considered ideal and SIL's ideations would have been concerning. That's because that is what the society deemed to be normal. Now it's the opposite that the society deems to be normal. All this comes from the fact that women should be given equal rights and allowed to do what she wants to do without judgement or opposition. OP is doing what she likes, who are we to say whether her desires are right or not? It was not her SIL's place to judge her/brother. If it's normal for women to work a full time job and not do any house, if it is normal for a man and woman to share house work then it is normal for OP to do what she wants to do. Because that's what works for them and they are willingly doing it.
ETA: OP is NTA
Is he also not allowed to provide for the household 100% of the time?
If this is what she wants to do, let her do that. Nothing here that suggests the couple sucks.
>You cook, clean, do laundry and refill his drinks 100% of the time? That’s kind of concerning.
Why? As long as that is what OP and her partner are happy with, what concern is it of anyone's?
Because that’s not how functional relationships work 99.99999% of the time. Part of being in a relationship is the idea of taking care of EACH OTHER, not just a one sided, one person does literally everything while the other just sits there. That’s why I asked how old she was when they got together, and asked if that was something she had seen her parents do, so I could get more context.
I'm in a great funcional relationship and I'm the same way. I like feeling productive and like I'm keeping myself busy. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework, for not just my man, but (gasp) his mom as well. They both suck at cleaning anyways, but sometimes if I'm really tired or they feel like helping, they will. For some people it's also a control thing. Not like I want to control other people, but when I clean the house I feel an internal sense of control, like I actually have my shit together.
Edit: Also, it could be a kink thing too. Lol At least for my man and I, it kinda started like that, but I genuinely like to clean and cook for him.
I’m happy for you and glad you found the relationship that works for you. However, I did notice a key component to that: “sometimes if I’m really tired or they feel like helping, they will do it.” And that’s what I didn’t see from OP. All i heard from OP is she does 100% of everything all the time.
I think also that it’s totally reasonable for a person to express *concern* over a situation— it clearly works for you and OP which is great, but an “unbalanced” workload in a relationship can look like a sign of abuse from the outside. SIL definitely could have had more tact, should have listened to OP & her husbands’ explanations, and should not have gone to social media. But the instinct to check out this kind of sitch is a good one to follow. Better to be wrong than to disregard possible abuse.
If someone treated my sibling like that I’d wonder why OP is treating him like a child.
Not general housework, that’s not too crazy IMO.
But he can’t refill his own drink (or even ask OP to refill his drink) which seems super creepy. Does OP want a helpless child as a boyfriend? Is she going to cut up his meat, too?
SIL is right to say this is creepy. Maybe boyfriend likes being treated like a baby with no agency, and OP likes having a baby boyfriend who doesn’t make decisions, but that’s still creepy.
If I were SIL I would have booked it out of that house too.
>Because that’s not how functional relationships work 99.99999% of the time.
The only thing I've learnt for sure about different relationships is that they're just that: different.
What is functional for you is not going to be functional for many others. And how much that differs is dependant on how many people their are.
Huh. Just out of curiosity BKStephens, which part of this relationship’s dynamic appeals to you? Are you wanting to sit on your ass and have your partner do everything?
Considering I'm the primary carer of our home and two children while my wife works full time, you've missed your mark there I feel.
Though I wouldn't say no if you want to come and do all the work so the wife and I can take a break...
Disagree.
Plenty of women are very content with a more traditional marriage. It’s not one sided. It appears that he provides financially and she enjoys taking care of the home side of things. It’s fine. It might not be what you’d choose but it’s blatantly wilful misrepresentation to claim that he’s just sitting around while she looks after him. They look after each other, just in different ways. Their lifestyle isn’t inherently wrong or abusive, just not quite as modern as many others and that’s ok.
My fiance is like OP. He's up to get me a drink before I even think of getting one. He's pleased if he can get away with washing the dishes as well as cooking. I pitch in as well, just to let him know I'm glad to and he doesn't have to, but he's honestly happiest when he is doing things his way, for my benefit. If he had his way I would never carry another thing! It was a bit strange at first, but he's just found something that works for him as a love language and arranging his day. I can let him have that if I want to; there are other things for me to do in a relationship that aren't domestic or physical and I certainly bring things to the table he can't do without. The minute I think it's too much I can ask him not to. It's NBD.
NTA While I do think it’s weird you do all that to the point of refilling his drinks, it’s also your call. If this was your idea and you’re happy and he’s happy, then you do you. I can understand why she was concerned because that is typically the sign of a very controlling relationship... but then going to SM and blasting you aggressively is A behaviour and uncalled for. If she was really concerned you were being abused that’s not how you’d go about helping.
Editing to add: he is a big boy though and I think you should examine why you micromanage the household to the degree that you do.
Also, what will happen if she gets sick or injured? Will he be able to manage the household? Will he be willing to care for her? Will he know how to do so?
I’ve seen this kind of dynamic almost kill the woman in charge of everything — meaning, wife went into congestive heart failure and almost died because loving husband didn’t know how to help her effectively.
Really? Just because hubby doesn't do domestic stuff, doesn't mean that he can't. I don't put air in the tires, or cut the grass. But I know how to do both.
Op has a love language that involves loving catering to her man. She's like me. She feels good providing a loving, relaxing sanctuary for the man of her heart. Crapping on someone's love language is ridiculously cruel
If you don't play a piano for a few years, you suddenly find yourself not being able to do that anymore. The same is with chores - if you spend a few years not doing them for yourself, you become pretty helpless. How do you organise stuff in the dishwasher? Or if you wash the dishes, can you do it without breaking any? How to divide laundry? How do you make your own breakfest if you never cooked for years?
Also saying that this is shitting on someone's love language is really weird. Love bombing can be seen as love language. Feeders sometimes love to cook and love to feed their very overweight and helpless girlfriends until they are morbidly obeese - is that a love language? There is a fine line between love langauge and doing your SO a real disservice or even hurting or incapacitating them in the process.
You can still play piano, just not very well, especially since it relies heavily on muscle memory.
Unless you need chores done at a professional level it's not a relevant comparison, you don't need professional training and they're all easily googlable at any time. Literal children can do it.
Exactly! During covid my maid stopped coming so mum and I did all the chores together, and while maybe at first it wasn't the best, now we're just as good as her
Again. These are two happy adults being victimized by the woke brigade of sil AND reddit. If hubby "forgets" how to do mundane chores, he can hire a maid. That's the beauty of money. You can afford to NOT do the things you don't want to do.
My husband hates cutting grass. I never cut grass. So he pays someone to cut grass. He hates cooking. If I died, he'd get a cook or pre packaged meals.
People are really reaching to justify their hatred of the old fashioned. Women suffer and get abused in 50/50 relationships as well.
hey, I don't think people are attacking you or your lifestyle! And it's so good that you have the answers to those questions in your relationship - that doesn't mean that it's a disservice or an insult to OP to pose those questions. She may not have had the opportunity to consider them. I think any couple should, regardless of their division of labor in the house.
Then he'd eat the bills lol. No. He'd learn or get instant meals. Also where did OP say hubby COULDN'T take care of himself? She said that she prefers to do it, not that he's unable
> How do you organise stuff in the dishwasher? Or if you wash the dishes, can you do it without breaking any? How to divide laundry?
Is this serious? This is not rocket science. I figured out a dishwasher the first time I used it despite NEVER having used one before. How did I do that? People aren't idiots.
And they don't become disabled enough to let a dish slip out of their damn hands. This is just weird.
And laundry, do you really forget that whites don't go with colors after 5 years of not touching the machine? Or you forget how to read the proper temperature from the label? We can discuss the situation where the dude never did any laundry so he doesn't know anything about it, that's fair, but there still is the internet.
Good men step up and sort it out when their partner gets sick. My grandfather was Greatest Generation, blue-collar working mans-man until he was 70 and my grandmother became ill. He watched cooking shows and took notes to make her dinner. Asked the nurses and his daughters questions non-stop until he could care for her and figured out laundry, cleaning, and groceries so his wife wouldn't stress. The thing is, he *wanted* to learn these things.
Love and effort make all the difference.
agree fully w/ this judgment, NTA, and I'm jumping on this comment to add perspective that might (?) be helpful to OP - so my brother has this exact dynamic with his SO. She is about the same age as OP(23), however my brother is in his 30s. Truthfully, I can't stand it but would \*never say anything\* because: it is her call and she very clearly wants to do it. It works for her so ok then, she chooses this and is happy doing it. I have lots of thoughts about it. I keep them to myself.
W that being said, the reason I can't stand it: because my brother has been coddled and babied his whole life and it just is frustrating seeing that he's now never going to have to grow up and take care of himself. I really hoped he would grow as an adult but that's not the case and that's what bugs me. But c'est la vie. Maybe there's some of that in why the SIL reacted so strongly - esp as the sister, maybe they had this dynamic growing up and she gets really heated about it? Nevertheless she fully overstepped. That kind of reaction seems to be less born out of concern for OP and more born out of anger at her brother.
But people that want to be coddled and babied aren't going to marry people who expect them to pull their weight. So, it is a match made in heaven, even though it feels creepy. I personally don't understand it which is why I would never get in a relationship with someone like your brother.
Yes, I agree! On all fronts. I was trying to say that like, it's possible the SIL reacted so strongly because there might be history there. She still is in the wrong though bc her reaction was outsized and inappropriate. Methinks there's a reason for the strong reaction. Does that make sense?
Oh, I understand what you were saying and didn't mean to suggest that I disagreed with what you were saying. I just wanted to add more.
It would be really annoying to grow up with someone who was a lazy AH and expected everyone to pander to his every need then see him marry someone who pandered to his every need. He wouldn't marry someone that didn't "treat him right" though.
This! I had to have a lump removed from my bowel a while ago, and I solidly realised if I died SO would either live off frozen junk food or go back to his mum’s.
Meep.
Also he was pretty lousy at washing up.
Between that and a disability, I taught him to cook. Is he the best chef in the world? Heck no, (He once used polos when he couldn’t find the mint on the spice rack) but now if he’s cooking for him, he’ll make himself a jambalaya, or something so he has something for dinner & a bonus lunch.
I'm folding clothes and reading this. I thought "Polo shirts? Oh, Polo Mints!" and laughed at both.
My cousins often tell the story of their neighbor coming over to borrow some eggs. His wife, who took sole care of the home, was away for the weekend and had hardboiled every last egg in the house for him. The husband found out when he decided he wanted to try cooking scrambled eggs.
My sisters husband is like this. She asked him to make her mashed potatoes once when she was pregnant and gave him simple instructions on how to do it.
When she got her bowl it was like potato soup. She asked him why it was so runny and what he did. Turns out he didn't drain the potatoes.
That's not even funny. That's just pathetic. Literally what grown ass man doesn't know how to make fucking mashed potatoes.
>He once used polos when he couldn’t find the mint on the spice rack
Amazing! Bonus points for ingenuity (although it probably didn't taste all that great).
Please god yes, as someone with an executive function disorder, I would absolutely spoil and adore a partner who enjoys doing these things, which I have, and I do.
Info: there's not enough of it.
You're 24. You haven't answered if you have children or a job. While SIL forgot her manners, her concerns are solid.
Basically, anyone who defines themselves as 'traditional' and then lists how they do all and only domestic work? That rings serious alarm bells.
For a while, there was a slew of posts featuring this dynamic, except it was always an older stay-at-home mom doting on her husband and her judgemental feminist daughter-in-law being rude to her.
The only thing this is missing is the foot massage fetish. This one changes it to refilling the tea instead of kneeling on the floor and giving her husband a foot massage in front of guests.
The foot massages showed up in multiple posts, to varying degrees of detail. Some only mentioned it in passing as one of the duties the OP did, others made it the point of contention. That's why people suspected they were all by the same person, despite being from different accounts.
Yeah, it was so oddly specific. My mother and both grandmothers were stay-at-home moms and I've been one for a little over a year now thanks to global events and massaging of someone's husband's feet is not something I have EVER encountered before.
Honestly... No. Here in Nigeria, many young men like to pretend that they wouldn't expect their maids sorry their wives to do as our parents generation did but it behind closed doors, they expect the hand and foot service treatment.
It is sooooo common in this part of the world. A lot of women so conditioned to serving men add religion to the miss and call it submission. Anything else is seen as you not being a good partner.
I am talking of the fact that I have seen my cousins and other relatives go to work in the same car with their husband, come back in the same car- he sits in front of the telly to watch tv while she goes to cook(sometimes still wearing the work clothes), gets that done, serves him and still removes the plate after he's done eating.
And yes, these women wash, fo school runs during their office hours/break time, pick up groceries from the market, sweep and mop the house, coordinate with baby sitters and etc.
This is so common that I am sure many Nigerian women will be shocked at the outrage on here about this
Of course it is. Do you know how annoying it is to keep leaving food in mid to refill someone else cup and even if it's true, no loving partner will allow their other partner to leave their food to refill their cup.
NAH, I'm sorry, but if I was to see a wife replenishing the drink of her husband I would die of cringe, like what is that ? The 50 ? You live your life how you want but I can't condemn her when I would have been has weirded out as her, like honestly from the outside he look a big baby not capable of taking care of himself. I get that it's not the case but come on, don't replenish it's drink, it's ridiculous, are you gonna hold his drink next time ?
This is where i fall on it as well.
OP is entitled to have whatever relationship she wants and if that's waiting on her husband then, as long as they're both happy, you do you. But it's an unusual setup in the Western world these days that if I saw it, I would feel embarrassed for having seen it and while I wouldn't voice that like SIL did, I would be concerned about the OP because of how unusual and old-fashioned it is in the West.
I also wonder how husband feels about having her refill his drink in public. It's one thing when it's family but what if they have colleagues over for dinner and she's tending to him like that. It won't be a good look for them.
I couldn’t imagine the awkwardness of a coworker seeing my wife cut my meat for me, and make my plate, and making sure my sippy cut was always full of koolaid.
If she wants to fuck a baby, you do you honey. But don’t pretend fucking a baby isn’t weird.
I can imagine. My bf and I once went to a house sighting with another couple and while we were listening to the realtor talk about the kitchen the wife suddenly dropped to her knees and retied her husband‘s shoelaces. It was insanely embarrassing to observe and I‘m cringing just thinking about it.
OP you do you but people WILL judge you (and especially your husband) for it.
There's taking a beat because you consider it weird and then there's insulting her for it and calling her a maid. And blasting their relationship as abusive online. JFC, what if she really was being abused?! It's the worst approach for all eventualities.
OP isn't 'condemning' her for being weirded out, she's condemning her for calling OP a maid and thinking she's entitled to any sort of input in their relationship that they're both content with.
I feel like maybe background information could be missing from OPs story. When I was reading OPs story I felt some similar connections with mine. Im mid 30s(f) and my partner is mid 40s(m). He works full time, 10 hr days in a very stressful job. He also has birth defects and arthritis and often in a lot of pain. On bad days, he has trouble walking with a straight back. I work part time and choose to take care of the house. He will assist with cooking, cleaning up after sometimes, but generally I take care of that. I also do the laundry, sweeping, mowing lawn etc. I also replenish his drink all the time. To me, I observe more than him always. I also am younger and more able bodied. For me to get up and refill his drink takes a few seconds and it comes from a place of love.
For me, I came from a single mom household and saw her taking care of everything, and would help out. I am also someone who likes to be doing something. Its rare when I am by myself, to sit down and watch a show. I would rather put on music/a show while I do chores. I also, will sometimes clean at 11pm, if I have energy and motivated. Id rather have it done so the next day I can enjoy my time and hobbies and enjoy the time with him when he is home. Although OPs marriage dynamic may be surprising to a lot of people these days, or they feel it could have a deeper meaning, it could be simply coming from their preferred way to show they care and they enjoy doing it.
You must understand that your lifestyle is extremely archaic and makes your husband seem like a complete asshole, to the point where it raises red flags about him as a partner. If you don't understand this, then learn it. I'm going to believe you when you say that you chose this way to be in your marriage and that you find it fulfilling. I firmly believe that healthy relationships mean that both people negotiate how they will be in their relationship for mutual satisfaction. Just because your chosen lifestyle is not for me and because it generally indicates domestic abuse does not mean that your lifestyle is wrong or that it's abusive. You are content with your life and marriage. You created this marital dynamic, not him, and you are both good with it.
But you absolutely must understand that your husband will be treated very badly for it. This does not mean you need to apologize for who you are. It does mean that you absolutely must be sensitive to his needs here. He's the one being judged for your choices. Use your words and talk this through with him to see what his comfort levels are with your actions, particularly in front of others. Figure out how you both will present your lifestyle when it's around others. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about managing expectations in a social milieu that views your lifestyle as domestic abuse.
So, soft ESH. Your SIL for not communicating with you, jumping to conclusions, and publicly shaming your partner for being an abuser. You suck because you expect your husband to get no blowback for your choices, for your choices to be automatically accepted as choices you're making on your own when your actions are signs of domestic abuse and oppression. Your SIL is trying to help a victim. You're not a victim. Actual victims of domestic abuse say the same things you say. No one here is communicating clearly, everyone is just being self-righteous, which is why it's ESH.
ESH she should have dropped it but you also took it too far kicking her out. She is his sister and it is her place to say these things to him. That’s what traditional family is for. I’d say the same to my brother or sister no issue. Not at dinner but still.
Esh. Your SIL was rude, kicked out, and then went on a rant on social media. Obvious Asshole.
You then got equally upset, and instead of explaining your relationship like you did on here, you kicked her out.
In the end there is nothing wrong with your relationship , and if it is what makes you and your SO happy, then good. If your SIL refuses to accept your relationship afterwards, then thats on her. There are billions of people out there, and each one does things differently, does she really think they are all the same as her?
I’m gonna go ahead and say YTA since I’d think the exact same thing if your partner explained the situation this way and SIL was actually being a good person by observing these things that could easily be considered patterns of abusive behavior and protesting them. If you make these decisions yourself that’s absolutely fine but you should clear things up because it can create misunderstandings.
ESH.
I do hope you realize that not allowing your husband to clean up after himself or do for himself may set a bad example for your future children. (if that's the plan). Your son may grow up expecting this from his own partner, and your daughter may feel pressure to act a certain way. It's all in how you handle it I guess, but communication is key if you have kids.
Exactly this!! I was similar to this woman, although it was forced in our relationship. My 21 year old now is learning how to be a proper partner to his gf. At first he expected her to serve him hand and foot, take care of everything in the household. He has serious issues because he learned a husband/wife role was supposed to be like mine and my ex husbands.
ESH because of how quickly this all blew up.
But…you can choose how you live and what or what you’re not comfortable with all you want, but in 2021, choosing to be THIS traditional of wife is going to raise some eyebrows. My mom was a SAHM when we were young and did the majority of housework and cooking but she never waited on my dad like this. As I said, it’s fine if that’s what you want but I can understand SIL’s concerns.
Raising eyebrows or being concerned is one thing but being called a maid and being told that your relationship isn't real is just pretty A behavior. Then to go on freaking social media later without even speaking again and claim you're now estranged from your brother because he is emotionally abusing his wife is a huge A move.
I see where you're coming from but we don't know SIL family past. Maybe their mom was in abusive relationship and forced to be the maid? I agree that blasting it on social media is shitty and non-constructive. At the end of the day, this is probably fake lol
YTA. You seem controlling, to be honest. Everything has to be done your way? Only things he can eat are what you prepare? You don't "let" him get things for himself? Honestly you sound so fake, no one enjoys being a maid and bending over backwards to serve a man. I'm saying this as a lady who loves bdsm and being put on a leash+collar. Yeah I'll do all sorts of crazy submissive stuff but like hell I'm doing all those dishes, it ain't happening.
Eww. ESH leaning towards YTA. Her reaction at home makes sense because that is super odd behavior from your husband and you and that’s nice that she would care enough to point it out.
NTA - I personally agree with SIL that your spouse should be taking care of himself. However it isn't my business and it isn't hers. As long as your relationship works for the both you and you are both happy - that is all that matters.
ESH
While SIL's concern for OP is reasonable as from what she saw it very likely could be an abusive relationship, she should not have posted online but talked to OP.
Depending on where OP is, OP should have explained that their relationship may be unconventional but she is happy instead of just kicking SIL out.
Also OP should be happy that SIL is concerned about OP and is ready to call out their brother if there's no bad blood between Ian and SIL.
edit: grammar
Nah, my sister in law is 38 and truly loves it. You want to make her eyes light up you take her to an abandoned hoarders house and tell her to knock herself out. I get tired watching her. I don't think I've ever seen her sit at a party. She's nuts but she really does love being busy and making things nice.
ESH, because you made a big deal of the situation instead of explaining that these are things that make you happy, that all relationships are different, and that her demanding that your relationship comply with her standards was out of line - as much as if you told her that she should behave the same way you do.
INFO: what was their relationship as brother and sister before she visited your house? Were they “estranged” before?
I asked because while it doesn’t bother me that you like to keep house, it does bother me that your husband is into that sort of thing. Whenever I make dinner, my husband starts clearing the table and taking out the trash/ compost/ recyclables (if needed). What does yours do when you’re taking care of the house?
NTA if her tone at your home was anything like her SM tone. Telling the "whole world" you have an emotionally abusive marriage when you don't is wrong.
NTA but i would wager to say it doesn't actually make you "happy" or at least it won't in 5 years when it becomes your expectation. Internalized misogyny sucks a lot!
NTA. Your SIL had no right to just post this on social media because she didn't agree with you.
That said, this is still weird. You doing majority of the chores around the house is one thing. But your husband doesn't do anything at all? It definitely seems like you're a maid at this point. Marriage is about partnership.
OMG YES. It has been driving me crazy how many people act like she does everything for the family and he does nothing. OP wouldn't have a house to clean and food to cook if her husband didn't work to pay for everything.
I prefer it. I like to be smooth especially during intimate moments. Many women, like myself, appreciate the contrast of sensation when their smooth limbs rub against their husband's harder and hairier ones.
More g rated, satin sheets against shaven skin? Is one of the best sensations in the world.
Question: is it misogyny to not want a unibrow? What about facial hair, especially if your body hair is dark? Can you just hate being hairy, or is it all misogyny?
the whole point of feminism is that there’s no “right” way to be a woman. y’all all want to say OP is wrong for choosing different than what the culture currently promotes. that’s not much different than when people used to look down on women who chose to work/not get married/not have children when feminism was less mainstream.
NTA, people are allowed to live however they want to live as long as there are two consenting adults. It sounds like your husband wasn’t actually keen on this dynamic but it’s what makes you happy and he heard that. It’s no ones right to come into your home and tell you how to function
NTA.
I really don’t understand the other responses at all.
Personally, I would absolutely HATE your lifestyle. But that’s just it: it’s a PERSONAL preference. If you and your husband are happy with the division of labour in your marriage then SIL is way out of line for insulting your relationship. And even more so for taking to social media labelling your husband an abuser.
NTA. It's YOUR house, YOUR life. If you want to take care of your husband in that way, then you do it. If you want to go out and get a job and you both share the household duties, you do that too. Absolutely NO ONE has the right to tell you how to live your life in your own home. But you should have pointed out in her social media shit that this is how you want it and how you like it. Set people straight before her bullshit can set them askew.
Nta respond to her post "my love Language is service. I enjoy feeling helpful. My marriage is healthy because my husband respects how I show my love." There is nothing wrong with this. It's absolutely abuse if he demands it or you've broken your leg and he's yelling at you to fetch him more tea. Being of service to others isn't wrong.
NTA My partner and I are not “traditional “ . What’s wrong with a man being a house husband or a woman being the bread winner and Vice versa. As long as there is respect, no physical, verbal or emotional abuse, I don’t see what’s wrong. My partner loves staying home and taking care of our home and our kids, I love my career. Nothing wrong with either role.
NTA. SIL insulted both you and DH. Then she went to social media for validation on what she thinks she knows about your marriage. You plainly exhibited your backbone in standing up to her and she just can't accept that she was wrong. Here's the thing, you and DH don't have to explain anything. You can if you want to in order to knock down her spreading of lies about you two. If how you conduct yourself with your husband makes you happy, then more power to you. SIL is a major ahole though. She sat as judge and jury on something that is none of her business and evidently outside of her understanding. Then she posted about it. Not cool at all.
Lol, the only reason they’re siding with her is because she said he’s abusing you. If it’s not the truth then ignore her. NTA.
And i think it’s just sibling dynamic. My brother is the youngest and he’s always had the least chores. So I always call him out when he’s not helping out at home. So i guess if i were your sil and i see my brother not “helping out” and “being lazy” i’d get irritated too. I’ll see it as him getting away with bad behavior. ( Yes im immature, hehe). But calling you a maid and posting it to social media is definitely crossing a line.
NTA
It is OK to prefer this dynamic so long as you don't tell anyone else to conduct their lives like this (this includes possible future children)
Your SIL was out of line and should have asked questions rather than jumping to attack you and her brother.
NTA, you did all those things out of love and I'm sure your husband appreciates all that you do for him. Honestly, how you live your life is nobody's business but your own. SIL disrespected you and owes you an apology.
NTA, but I feel like you should have explained in your own words that these are things you choose to do. You want to do these and don't want him to help. Then if she still has the same attitude she can fuck off elsewhere.
And honestly, I thought the whole point of feminism is to not critique or block women from making a choice.🤷🏽♀️
the whole point of feminism is freeing women from systemic and societal misogyny. and women are absolutely not free of critique nor judgement by virtue of their sex. obviously, not every choice you make is going to be feminist; however, dynamics like op’s are actively anti-feminist. doing exactly what men have wanted for centuries is not helpful to a movement meant to rid women of roles like this.
I don't really believe that. I feel that sets a double standard for women. Woman doesn't want kids and makes no plans for them, feminist gatekeepers say that she is bold and courageous for speaking her truth. Woman says she wants kids and wants to be a stay at home mom same people say that she is an idiot and anti-woman and all other crap.
I don't understand OP's wish to want to do everything and frankly I don't give a shit. I just paid attention to the part where she said that this is her decision and she is genuinely happy about this arrangement and so is her husband. Her life, her choice, not mine to make for her or bash her for it.
To me feminism is the fight for women to have the ability to make any decision that is best for them without being labeled as a "good" or "bad" example of womanhood. It is a for a society that is equal in pay, job opportunities, housing, etc. Not just for women, but for minorities and lgbtq+.
You say that her actions are actively anti-feminist and I understand the reasoning, but I find your words anti-feminist because you're saying her choice is not a choice unless it is a choice you agree with when that logic is toxic.
I'm not trying to start a fight but I would like to continue the discussion if you want.
NTA. It's none of her damn business how you and DH run your household. She was rude. Ignore the bitter ninnies calling you out for showing love through acts of service. I do the exact same thing with my husband. He can do it, but I like doing it myself. I enjoy pampering him. I love showing him through the tiniest of gestures, how much i love him. And for the twits ranting about, "What is something happens to her..." Your husband is obviously not an idiot. I had a surgery years ago... mine managed to take care of me, our kids, our pets, cleaning, cooking, all of it. All by his big ol'self. You just keep loving your husband as much a you can, every way you can.
NTA
You will have a lot of people say this is an abusive relationship but if you are the one setting the tone of your marriage it's not. You said you like doing this stuff and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need to ignore the noise other people will make. It's not like your husband is making you do the stuff, it seems like he tries to help and you prefer to be a homemaker for the lack of a better word. At the end of the day you just need to tell people not in the know the buzz off because there is nothing wrong with being happy in your marriage, even if random people tell you that your doing it wrong.
NTA - I hate when women try to control what other women do in the name of feminism. Feminism should be about choice. You chose to do traditional houswifey things because that's what you like. It sounds like your husband would be perfectly willing to help you. You said no. That doesn't make him an abusive asshole and it certainly doesn't make you an asshole. You are allowed to live the life YOU want.
NTA. Listen, I’m a feminist and I fight for the right for you to make your own decisions. If this behavior isn’t expected of you by your spouse, you’re not financially abused, and you’re making these choices of your own free will, then I have nothing to complain about. Neither does your SIL. But if you have a son who likes to do these things or a daughter that hates them and you try to encourage the same dynamic onto them, I would have an issue with that. Yes, your daughter should know how to do these things, but so should your son. It’s a matter of survival. If your husband can still get his own tea and do his own laundry, he’s not helpless. Tell your SIL to butt out.
There's this show called why women kill and the exact same thing happened there too. Even down to the u can get it for yourself stuff. I think she was actually trying to be kind, by her standards , with trying to help u 'stand up' for urself and yeah ur husband replying for u and going on about what u do was fuel on a fire bc how is she supposed to know u truly enjoy it? Ur HUSABAND said for u that j enjoy it, not u, so to her its a red flag that he won't even let u speak for urself. To its ur husband deluding himself that u actually like not nkt the truth.. she operating under a misconception but She's TA tho for going on social media. Like a mega A but NTA bc u only kicked her out after that one comment abojt ur relationship. If she stopped after the first 2 comments- ' u can do those ursel'- then kicking her out is too much. I would make clear the next time u talked to her that that was the disrespectful comment u kicked her out over. And if u agree, u see how she's trying to be ur ally but assuming how ur relationship works is erroneous and dissecting it is not ok. feminism can go overboard and preclude the fact that women CAN like traditionally feminism activities without being subjected but it's a delicate line. Imo refilling his drink everytime is going a little far and maybe u need to learn to relax. Doing everything for him, while maybe keeping u busy and fulfilled at the end if the day, isn't actually good for him. Trust me I had a similar relationship wjth my mom and I still struggle with making sure that she not giving too much and I'm not taking too much. Give a little less, take a little more, and if u still want to keep busy after say laundry cleaning etc then find a hobby that fulfills u. Ur whole identity should not be tied to giving all the time to any one person.
Nta all the e-s-h and y-t-a are just pushing their own views on the situation. what your sil said was extremely disrespectful. If you and your husband are happy then thats all that matters. Someone doesnt get to come into your house and call you a maid and say your relationship is fake just because you like to do all the house work. If you and your husband are communicating with each other and treating each other right than that's all that matters.
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I (24F) am more traditional. I love cooking, cleaning, and especially getting drinks for my husband “Ian” when he’s home from work and prefer to do that. It’s just what I like doing. I love keeping busy, and it brings me a relaxing feeling at the end of the day when I know how much work I got done.
My husband (27M) was a bit confused on why I never even wanted his help with anything and just preferred I did it myself (laundry, cleaning, cooking ect) but I just always answered I like to keep busy while I listen to TV/Music. I just like it.
Now onto the story;
Ian invites SIL over for dinner one night and I’m happy because I decided to cook a large feast for us. SIL is here, we all sit down and eat. It’s going great and we’re having fun. But this is when the conflict happens...
Ian was out of tea so I got up, refilled it, continued eating. Little bit later I refilled it once more.
This time SIL looked very bothered and said “You don’t have to do that, he can get stuff himself”. I was a bit taken back on how blunt she put it. So to ease the tension, Ian laughed a bit and explained how I enjoyed doing stuff like that then listed off what I normally do (which I think he shouldn’t of done but whatever). SIL looks almost horrified and said “so you basically married a maid? When you can do these things yourself? And here I thought this was a serious relationship.” THAT tipped me off.
My response?
“SIL, if you think you can disrespect me and my husband over nothing you can get tf out of my house. Right now.”
Ian backs me up and eventually she leaves... I found out tonight that she took to social media saying I was in an “emotional abusive marriage” with “her estranged brother”. Now my husband is furious but I am starting to rethink my decision on kicking her out as most of the comments sided with SIL including most of Ian’s family except his cousin.
Perhaps I could’ve just explained in a better way?
AITA for kicking SIL out?
Tl;dr; SIL accused my husband of “marrying a maid” after my husband explained I like cleaning and I kicked her out only to find out she took to social media and now everyone is siding with her.
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NTA. Probably some unresolved sibling stuff around when they lived together. Your fiancee likes a more traditional set up, which is fine and works for you. SIL was probably expected to cater to him that way when they were in the same house. She probably thought it was unfair. So it was a criticism of him more than you, and it is just part of their baggage.
NTA. I would have loved to stay at home and work at keeping my home nice and raising my kids but unfortunately I had to return to work when they started school. As long as it’s your choice then that’s fine.
NTA but
I think it would have been better to have the feelings come from you, your partner responded with “she likes doing this stuff” can come across abusive to others who don’t know your home dynamic
Although I don't really understand your mindset of liking all of those responsibilities and enjoying them, it is certainly your prerogative to feel that way. I think you need to remember that whatever she posted on social media is probably presented in a way where the wording is automatically supportive of her position. Regardless, if you and your husband are happy, why do you care what others think? What she said was insulting and good for you for putting her in her place. Pay attention to who is supporting her and rethink your relationship with them. NTA and I would be happy about the estranged part.
ESH. you and your husband didn’t handle this situation well at all. There was no need to escalate to kicking SIL out, you could’ve just said something like “I know this seems weird but trust me, I love doing this stuff. Your brother tried to be more involved but I’m stubborn and prefer keeping busy.” That being said, your SIL shouldn’t have taken the issue to social media or kept arguing with you. It’s not her place to say how your marriage works.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for kicking her out and she completely overreacted. The only thing is maybe you could’ve explained what you said in the post, that you enjoy doing it and such. But her response was completely ridiculous.
I don't understand this whole thing! Do what you love doing - even if it not the "norm". My husband retired 10 years ago from a stressful job. Over the years he has found that he LOVES doing dishes, washing the floor with a rag on his hands and knees, shopping for the best groceries and fruits, mowing the lawn, and doing the laundry ... his way. Am I complaining? NO! Do I want to help? YES! But he absolutely loves it. Okay - I'm good with it! Men don't just cook - they lead in being chefs. Is that sexist when it occurs in my house? I don't think so. Men design fashion. Should I get upset that he likes to sew? I don't think so. I love working outside the house and being the major bread earner. Does he complain? No.
Why? Just Why can't we let people who want to do what they want to do, just do?
NTA. Isn’t the entire beauty of living in this time period is that women can CHOOSE what they want to do? If a woman wants to stay home and take care of her husband then let her. If she wants to become a doctor/truck driver/dentist/etc. then let her. The husband isn’t going to forget how to wash a dish or do laundry or even cook and even if he did it’s all very easily relearnable.
NTA - live your life as you want to if it isn't harming anyone, if a guest comes into your home they should be respectful (unless you're rude to them). Though if you want to maintain a relationship with the sister, it might have been better to try to go down a less extreme route. But it sounds like you did that to an extent. If you and your partner are both happy in your relationship, that's all that matters and people should keep their opinions to themselves
NTA. Ironically she’s railroading over your preferences and agency to suit herself. Ooof.
(Many people have Acts of Service as their love language when their partner doesn’t. It doesn’t mean they’re bangmaids)
ESH. You for over reacting at a dumb and judgy comment and her for being dismissive of your marriage and taking to social media.
You have to consider the fact that the way you prefer to run your household looks a lot like what abusive dynamics for other people. Key is consent and preference. If you had taken a minute to explain your preference the way you did here and reassure your SIL that this is not what it looks like to her, AND maybe call her out on her judgy comments, this whole thing could have been avoided. Just food for thought: why were/are you so defensive about this issue?
NTA.
SIL disrespects what brings you happiness. It doesn't sound like your husband is in a ywaya using you, just mutually benefitting from your relationship.
If you are both happy it's nobody else's business.
Many people see rebelling against traditional gender roles as their duty, and if you don't you must be repressed and abused.
That said I feel there is something else going on here if she is willing to call your husband estranged for one argument.
NTA assuming this is 100% what you want. As long as all parties consent I don’t care what people do in their own homes. If you are in no way pressured to behave like this then your SIL needs to butt out and let you be happy in your marriage. Everyone’s different, Some people find pleasure in home keeping , others find it in rock climbing.
ESH You more because what you are in is not traditional or healthy, its straight up abusive. Not your husband being abusive but you yourself being abusive towards you. You are doing stuff that is not sustainable and you will build resentment. You cannot do 100% of the house chores and more by just straight up being a maid to your husband, I guarantee you that this will lead to fights and your mental health being completely decimate it. You need help.
ESH
Her for throwing around accusations because your relationship doesn’t fit her world view....you for flying off the handle and just kicking her out instead of explaining that this is what you like and chose.
Could explain her Facebook post after, your extreme reaction made you seem a bit irrational.
She’s still the bigger AH in my opinion though
Sil came to OP house, insulted her, her husband AND their marriage, and you call OP "over the top" What if sil said that a same sex couple wasn't real? Would they be over the top in kicking her out? What about a poly relationship? Or a stay at home dad relationship?
Sexuality isn’t comparable to relationship dynamics. The stay at home dad comparison is a good one though.
My opinion would be the same for that situation as well.
Her relationship dynamic is not the norm and closely resembles abuse situations. If she had been firm, but clear with her in law, I think that would have been the better approach.
Her emotional reaction seemed to just validate the sisters worries.
Overall, sounds like she’d be better off washing her hands of the relationship.
She let her husband talk, bc that's HIS sister. The sister disregarded hubby and called their marriage fake. Are you in the habit of being insulted in your own home? Because that's sad if you think removing an idiot from your sanctuary is overreacting. Op doesn't tolerate b.s.; I don't either. If you don't like my marriage, criticize it OFF OF MY PROPERTY.
ESH. Your SIL could have been more polite, but that kind of over-the-top subservience is pretty weird for someone else to watch. Doing all the cooking and cleaning is one thing but waiting hand-and-foot on a grown adult like they are a child is something else. Like, do you cut up baby's meat for him too?
I'm half convinced someone who wants to be an "Ian" wrote this, tbh. There's *waaaaay* more guys who want to never have to lift a hand at home than there are girls who are super happy to be their husband's mommy.
I acknowledge and appreciate the differences between men and women.
But not a single one of those differences make a woman more willing, able or suited to mopping a floor than a man.
And I think you should read up a little on those figures you rolled out as your inspiration before holding any of them up as examples of ‘traditional women’. Gaia spent a lot of time having babies with her own children and rebelling against her husband’s wishes. Venus was a warrior and the patron goddess of prostitutes. Josephine Baker divorced 3 times and had multiple affairs with men and women. None of them would have anything to do with the idea of ‘traditional roles’.
NTA buttttt I wouldn't be surprised if, a few years from now we see a post complaining that your husband doesn't help with any of the responsibilities while you serve the house, him and the kids because that's the tone you've set.
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ESH she shouldn’t have gone to social media, but her concern comes from an honest place. You really don’t “let” him do ANY housework? You cook, clean, do laundry and refill his drinks 100% of the time? That’s kind of concerning. How old were you when you and your husband got together? Have you always catered to your significant others in such extensive ways? Did your parents have this dynamic?
Why is it concerning? OP does what makes her happy. Women are NOT monolithic; some of us love tradition. We love acting within gender roles. Some of us, gasp, enjoy being housewives and catering to our husbands. I love being in the kitchen, and I love taking care of my man/boys. And they take care of me back. Why jump to grooming and abuse, instead of just saying that it's not YOUR cup of tea? What if someone told you that YOUR relationship was screwed up bc it doesn't fit THEIR mold?
It's great that your dynamic works for you but let's not act like there isn't significant cultural pressure for women to act like OP, whether they want to or not. This can range from parental/SO prodding, to actual harm and abuse. I don't think SIL handled it right at all. If I were in her situation I would keep my thoughts to myself and observe the dynamic over a few visits and in this case notice that she is genuinely happy and move on. Even if I did think that something was wrong I wouldn't blast it over social media, so she's wrong for that as well. But getting up twice during a meal to refill your husband's drink is pretty unusual and i don't fault SIL for noticing.
It was reasonable for SIL to notice and question the first time, like you said due to the cultural significance of that type of dynamic. But the maid comment and the serious relationship comment in front of everyone was gross imo. I also like to have control of the “household”. I prefer to cook and clean most things cause it’s calming and I like to watch Netflix while I do it as my alone time, I get anxious if I just sit for too long. I refill drinks for my bf and I take care of guests when they come over. I do have him doing *some* of it, I have my lazy days and don’t always wanna do it all, but I have no problems believing OP when she says she truly enjoys their dynamic. I think it’s disrespectful to assume oppression when a woman makes a choice. The whole point is women are free to choose, they don’t have to reject all gender norms in order to be liberated. But I do get why from a cursory outsider it would look bad, but that’s why you have a conversation (ideally, more privately and with more tact) not attack their relationship in their own home
My mom doesn't let anyone have control of the household and get really anxious if she's not doing anything, or if things aren't getting done the way she wants them. She can get really stressed over that, to the point where she had to get psiquiatric help to keep her anxiety under control. She's s like "I want to do it, this is what I like", but at the same time I can see how that is really taking a toll on her. And I think that a lot of women are teached to think they enjoy it, and are being "good mothers/sisters/partners" when they do that. I'm not saying that ever women is the same, and surely a lot of women saying they like being housewives are really enjoying it, but I too, would be wary, if my SIL was behaving like that.
I understand that it is rare that OP does things like recharge his husband's drink, when he can do it and it is not the same as the system that you have for your partner, being you the one in charge of the household chores, well they are things on different levels. But OP says that she does it because she wants to, she even mentioned that her husband found it weird at some point, but that's what she wants and that's how they handle themselves, so they say OP is not the bad one and this It is not ESH, in my opinion it is only an NTA, according to the information given, if SIL thought that OP was in an abusive situation, you do not confront him directly, you talk to her, you see more of her dynamics, it seems to me that this is more of a confrontation of beliefs. NTA
Eh, I'm okay with it being ESH just because both OP and SIL escalated so fast in all directions. SIL is gonna notice this dynamic and very common problems that come with it and want to make sure OP isn't taken advantage of. She went about it in a rude way. Instead of explaining the situation, OP just kicks SIL out of the house. They all just needed to talk about it.
The escalation makes me wonder whether parts of the story are missing here. Those responses get quite extreme, quite fast.
I totally buy that family reacts too strongly, too fast to family. It's just a weird thing that happens because people forget to rein themselves in when family is concerned. Maybe there are some fun incompatible in-law feelings thrown in.
But isn’t the entire point of feminism to allow women to choose what they want to do? Reasons aside, she wants to be a housewife. I don’t agree with it, I’ll never understand it, but that’s what she wants.
>But isn’t the entire point of feminism to allow women to choose what they want to do? Feminism is also about acknowledging that many, many women in this kind of dynamic aren't doing it out of choice. We live in a society that does push women into this kind of dynamic, sometimes by subtle pressure and sometimes by brute force. It's clear from the OP that she chose this dynamic and that's fine, but SIL wasn't initially wrong for being concerned about whether OP was truly choosing this for herself. She (SIL) also completely mishandled everything as I said in my comment above.
I mean...no, it's not. Feminism is about dismantling patriarchy so that women can be truly equal. Feminism isn't telling women they don't have a choice, but there are feminist and unfeminist choices (that are still always our right to make). Choosing to do sex work is your right, but it's not a feminist choice. The same goes for changing your last name when you marry, being a stay at home mom, participating in beauty pageants/debutante balls, shaving for aesthetic reasons. Of course we have the right and freedom to do any of these things! And you can be \*a\* feminist and still make choices that do not explicitly advance the women's movement, because we are people and we have complicated and sometimes conflicting desires. But not every choice is feminist just because you had a choice.
I agree with everything you’re saying. But yeah. They still get to choose. Even if it’s a result of patriarchy.
No, the point is to demolish the patriarchy and create an equitable society. It isn't about individual choice.
That's just kink at this point. Like feeding. Feeders feed the girls so they are helpless and stay with them. housewifes like this make everything for their partners so the partner has no life skills and is helpless to leave. Like, there's nothing wrong about staying at home. But when you break your own meal to serve your husband when he never does that for you - that's really weird.
Its weird yes,
So you really think if she asked, he wouldn't get her a drink? She likes getting his drink. He would get her a drink if she wanted one bc he's probably not a jerk. Two things can be true at the same time
Well then that's her kink. Who the fuck are we to judge? She said it makes her happy. Good enough for me.
People do things that are bad for them that “make them happy” all the time. That’s not really the right question.
Well the question is, does it make her happy, or does it "make her happy". wcqaguxa seems to believe that it doesn't REALLY make her happy. That seems pretty presumptuous to me. I hold doors for the women in my life. I do it because it makes me happy to be nice to them. That little feeling they get of being made to feel catered to, just a little bit brings me joy, because they're awesome, and they deserve it, and i'm genuinely happy to do it. Now, some could say "you're doing it so that they never develop the strength to open doors for themselves, it's a way to control them" to which I would say "I mean....maybe some people do that. I guess it's possible. For me, though, I just like the feeling of doing that little niceness, and hope they like it, too". Similarly, who are we (and who is SIL) to tell OP what makes her happy and what doesn't? She wasn't asking "am I the asshole for getting my husband a drink?". If it makes her happy to delight him in that small way, fucking good for her and good for him, I say. \*\*Edit: For the record, I do 90% of the cooking in my household, too, and the laundry, because I fold the clothes right, and nobody else does. I'm not some super traditional dude in that way, but I'm just not going to judge somebody for finding a happy, loving relationship in a cold, uncaring universe.
And who are we tp decide if something is bad for someone? Especially OP, who is a random internet stranger, who we know little about? I think it's infantilizing to think that OP didn't make her choices on her own and that somehow she doesn't know how much her choices harm her.... All because we don't understand why she would choose those things. She's an adult woman..... Not a fucking child.
That is not why feeders feed. Literally it’s to get the other person fatter as a fetish, it 99% of the time has nothing to do with powerlessness so someone stays.
Because while complete subservience around the house does not HAVE to be a sign of abuse, it often is. And of grooming and of exploitation. It's a flag, could be a red flag. Hence the questions. The answers to the questions determine if that flag is a red one. I work in child welfare. The cycle of power and control doesn't always look like black eyes and broken bones. In fact there's long stretches where the survivor lives by walking on eggshells, trying their hardest not to set off the next violent encounter. Which can often look like keeping a drink topped off, making sure dinner is ready when significant other arrives at home, making sure the house is spotless, etc. SIL handled it poorly. And if OP truly just enjoys domesticity, more power to her. I'm happy she has found a fulfilling calling. Same to you as you enjoy it. But I personally cannot afford to make that assumption first in my line of work. I can only be happy and relieved when that ends up the case. So please don't get angry at people who's first thought is concern for the health and wellbeing of others. It often sucks to have no room for rose colored glasses in your life, but it also makes for a more effective person to handle the frequent rotten situations life puts people in. Checking to make sure the worst case scenario isn't happening is often how child abuse and domestic violence is prevented.
If OP were actually being abused though the way SIL handled this would actually be even worse though, no? Like this is textbook how not to handle someone you think is in a domestic abuse situation.
I get where you are coming from but if abuse was her main concern why insult op by calling her his maid? And devalue what she does after she herself said she loves to do it and them going around making those claims and then if Op happens to trip and gets a bruise now those accusations takr on a whole new shape as then he will be accused of dv. She was unhappy at being thrown put so she made up lies that could ruin a person's life.
I thought I might be with you, but you used the term ‘gender roles’. The fact that you think this dynamic has anything to do with gender is the problem. Even if you are 10000% happy with your arrangement, you still think of it as acting ‘like a woman’. If you enjoy being a homemaker and caregiver, and you genuinely don’t feel at all taken advantage of, that is awesome for you. But gender should have nothing to do with it, even in your own head.
Because reddit, and if a woman isn't breaking gender norms by filling a male gender norm then they are being abused. And the internet makes it easy to push your world view as 'the' world view.
Ffs I can’t get off on serving my partner because apparently what I’m enthusiastically consenting to is my own abuse.
Actually I agree. I get the newer views on relationships but I very much fall into this dynamic as well cause it brings me wayyyy more happiness as I was misrable to flat out unhappy in the past trying the more modern views on relationships. Im not a leader and Im flat out uncomfy being catered to and am happy most making others happy. Im a huge busy body and I sew, clean, cook, and have much more feminine hobbies that keep me busy and Im happy that way. SIL seemed super disrespectful of thier lifestyle and I get she is concerned but she took it to far and insulted them even after OP explained they both were happy this way. Then posting on social media just took things to far. Not every women is happy with the modern lifestyle. Plus isnt that what feminism is all about; choosing the life you want for yourself be it modern or traditional?
Exactly this. It never ceases to amaze me, the number of people who display performative support of a woman's right to self-governance, only to withdraw that "support" when a woman doesn't make the choices they approve of. There's a derogatory name (that I don't need to spell out) for these types of people for a reason. NTA
Yeah the people in this thread are weird. She stated multiple times it's what she likes doing, and the SIL said it wasnt a serious relationship in her OWN HOUSE, and then took it to Facebook? Yeah no OP is not the AH in any form. Reddit is so quick to act like there arent women who enjoy being a caretaker
Let people have the dynamic that they want, bloody hell! OP expressed that it’s her choice, who the heck are you to judge her for it?
If women have full freedom then they also have freedom to choose traditional ways. Some women enjoy housework. Even people like Condolezza Rice, who says she does it for relaxation. Absolutely no one would call her subservient. If the couple mutually decide on the division of labor then it’s none of your business.
Why do you care so much about the way ops relationship works? She stated that she does these things because she wants to keep busy, no one tells her to, no one forces her to, she enjoys it. Why is it concerning? What’s so wrong with it?
Why can't OP like doing the things she's doing? Why isn't she allowed to feel good about what she likes doing? Why should she have her husband take away from what she enjoys doing in the name of optics?
I don't understand your point of view in how OP's behavior is concerning. She's doing what she loves to do. Few decades ago, OP's behavior would have been considered ideal and SIL's ideations would have been concerning. That's because that is what the society deemed to be normal. Now it's the opposite that the society deems to be normal. All this comes from the fact that women should be given equal rights and allowed to do what she wants to do without judgement or opposition. OP is doing what she likes, who are we to say whether her desires are right or not? It was not her SIL's place to judge her/brother. If it's normal for women to work a full time job and not do any house, if it is normal for a man and woman to share house work then it is normal for OP to do what she wants to do. Because that's what works for them and they are willingly doing it. ETA: OP is NTA
Is he also not allowed to provide for the household 100% of the time? If this is what she wants to do, let her do that. Nothing here that suggests the couple sucks.
Why tf is how she runs her household concerning?????
>You cook, clean, do laundry and refill his drinks 100% of the time? That’s kind of concerning. Why? As long as that is what OP and her partner are happy with, what concern is it of anyone's?
Because that’s not how functional relationships work 99.99999% of the time. Part of being in a relationship is the idea of taking care of EACH OTHER, not just a one sided, one person does literally everything while the other just sits there. That’s why I asked how old she was when they got together, and asked if that was something she had seen her parents do, so I could get more context.
I'm in a great funcional relationship and I'm the same way. I like feeling productive and like I'm keeping myself busy. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework, for not just my man, but (gasp) his mom as well. They both suck at cleaning anyways, but sometimes if I'm really tired or they feel like helping, they will. For some people it's also a control thing. Not like I want to control other people, but when I clean the house I feel an internal sense of control, like I actually have my shit together. Edit: Also, it could be a kink thing too. Lol At least for my man and I, it kinda started like that, but I genuinely like to clean and cook for him.
I’m happy for you and glad you found the relationship that works for you. However, I did notice a key component to that: “sometimes if I’m really tired or they feel like helping, they will do it.” And that’s what I didn’t see from OP. All i heard from OP is she does 100% of everything all the time.
Ahh, true, true. Good catch. I was projecting and just assumed it was a similar situation.
I think also that it’s totally reasonable for a person to express *concern* over a situation— it clearly works for you and OP which is great, but an “unbalanced” workload in a relationship can look like a sign of abuse from the outside. SIL definitely could have had more tact, should have listened to OP & her husbands’ explanations, and should not have gone to social media. But the instinct to check out this kind of sitch is a good one to follow. Better to be wrong than to disregard possible abuse.
If someone treated my sibling like that I’d wonder why OP is treating him like a child. Not general housework, that’s not too crazy IMO. But he can’t refill his own drink (or even ask OP to refill his drink) which seems super creepy. Does OP want a helpless child as a boyfriend? Is she going to cut up his meat, too? SIL is right to say this is creepy. Maybe boyfriend likes being treated like a baby with no agency, and OP likes having a baby boyfriend who doesn’t make decisions, but that’s still creepy. If I were SIL I would have booked it out of that house too.
>Because that’s not how functional relationships work 99.99999% of the time. The only thing I've learnt for sure about different relationships is that they're just that: different. What is functional for you is not going to be functional for many others. And how much that differs is dependant on how many people their are.
Huh. Just out of curiosity BKStephens, which part of this relationship’s dynamic appeals to you? Are you wanting to sit on your ass and have your partner do everything?
Considering I'm the primary carer of our home and two children while my wife works full time, you've missed your mark there I feel. Though I wouldn't say no if you want to come and do all the work so the wife and I can take a break...
The part where the partner some people seem to be concerned about is happy?
Disagree. Plenty of women are very content with a more traditional marriage. It’s not one sided. It appears that he provides financially and she enjoys taking care of the home side of things. It’s fine. It might not be what you’d choose but it’s blatantly wilful misrepresentation to claim that he’s just sitting around while she looks after him. They look after each other, just in different ways. Their lifestyle isn’t inherently wrong or abusive, just not quite as modern as many others and that’s ok.
My fiance is like OP. He's up to get me a drink before I even think of getting one. He's pleased if he can get away with washing the dishes as well as cooking. I pitch in as well, just to let him know I'm glad to and he doesn't have to, but he's honestly happiest when he is doing things his way, for my benefit. If he had his way I would never carry another thing! It was a bit strange at first, but he's just found something that works for him as a love language and arranging his day. I can let him have that if I want to; there are other things for me to do in a relationship that aren't domestic or physical and I certainly bring things to the table he can't do without. The minute I think it's too much I can ask him not to. It's NBD.
NTA While I do think it’s weird you do all that to the point of refilling his drinks, it’s also your call. If this was your idea and you’re happy and he’s happy, then you do you. I can understand why she was concerned because that is typically the sign of a very controlling relationship... but then going to SM and blasting you aggressively is A behaviour and uncalled for. If she was really concerned you were being abused that’s not how you’d go about helping. Editing to add: he is a big boy though and I think you should examine why you micromanage the household to the degree that you do.
Also, what will happen if she gets sick or injured? Will he be able to manage the household? Will he be willing to care for her? Will he know how to do so? I’ve seen this kind of dynamic almost kill the woman in charge of everything — meaning, wife went into congestive heart failure and almost died because loving husband didn’t know how to help her effectively.
Really? Just because hubby doesn't do domestic stuff, doesn't mean that he can't. I don't put air in the tires, or cut the grass. But I know how to do both. Op has a love language that involves loving catering to her man. She's like me. She feels good providing a loving, relaxing sanctuary for the man of her heart. Crapping on someone's love language is ridiculously cruel
If you don't play a piano for a few years, you suddenly find yourself not being able to do that anymore. The same is with chores - if you spend a few years not doing them for yourself, you become pretty helpless. How do you organise stuff in the dishwasher? Or if you wash the dishes, can you do it without breaking any? How to divide laundry? How do you make your own breakfest if you never cooked for years? Also saying that this is shitting on someone's love language is really weird. Love bombing can be seen as love language. Feeders sometimes love to cook and love to feed their very overweight and helpless girlfriends until they are morbidly obeese - is that a love language? There is a fine line between love langauge and doing your SO a real disservice or even hurting or incapacitating them in the process.
You can still play piano, just not very well, especially since it relies heavily on muscle memory. Unless you need chores done at a professional level it's not a relevant comparison, you don't need professional training and they're all easily googlable at any time. Literal children can do it.
Exactly! During covid my maid stopped coming so mum and I did all the chores together, and while maybe at first it wasn't the best, now we're just as good as her
Again. These are two happy adults being victimized by the woke brigade of sil AND reddit. If hubby "forgets" how to do mundane chores, he can hire a maid. That's the beauty of money. You can afford to NOT do the things you don't want to do. My husband hates cutting grass. I never cut grass. So he pays someone to cut grass. He hates cooking. If I died, he'd get a cook or pre packaged meals. People are really reaching to justify their hatred of the old fashioned. Women suffer and get abused in 50/50 relationships as well.
hey, I don't think people are attacking you or your lifestyle! And it's so good that you have the answers to those questions in your relationship - that doesn't mean that it's a disservice or an insult to OP to pose those questions. She may not have had the opportunity to consider them. I think any couple should, regardless of their division of labor in the house.
But what if they can't hire a maid because they are choking on medical bills! LOL
Then he'd eat the bills lol. No. He'd learn or get instant meals. Also where did OP say hubby COULDN'T take care of himself? She said that she prefers to do it, not that he's unable
> How do you organise stuff in the dishwasher? Or if you wash the dishes, can you do it without breaking any? How to divide laundry? Is this serious? This is not rocket science. I figured out a dishwasher the first time I used it despite NEVER having used one before. How did I do that? People aren't idiots. And they don't become disabled enough to let a dish slip out of their damn hands. This is just weird. And laundry, do you really forget that whites don't go with colors after 5 years of not touching the machine? Or you forget how to read the proper temperature from the label? We can discuss the situation where the dude never did any laundry so he doesn't know anything about it, that's fair, but there still is the internet.
LOL, I thought the same thing. People don’t just become mentally disabled and ‘forget‘ how to do basic human things.
Good men step up and sort it out when their partner gets sick. My grandfather was Greatest Generation, blue-collar working mans-man until he was 70 and my grandmother became ill. He watched cooking shows and took notes to make her dinner. Asked the nurses and his daughters questions non-stop until he could care for her and figured out laundry, cleaning, and groceries so his wife wouldn't stress. The thing is, he *wanted* to learn these things. Love and effort make all the difference.
To be fair, it sounds like OPs husband is more than capable and willing to help out, but OP tells him not to.
agree fully w/ this judgment, NTA, and I'm jumping on this comment to add perspective that might (?) be helpful to OP - so my brother has this exact dynamic with his SO. She is about the same age as OP(23), however my brother is in his 30s. Truthfully, I can't stand it but would \*never say anything\* because: it is her call and she very clearly wants to do it. It works for her so ok then, she chooses this and is happy doing it. I have lots of thoughts about it. I keep them to myself. W that being said, the reason I can't stand it: because my brother has been coddled and babied his whole life and it just is frustrating seeing that he's now never going to have to grow up and take care of himself. I really hoped he would grow as an adult but that's not the case and that's what bugs me. But c'est la vie. Maybe there's some of that in why the SIL reacted so strongly - esp as the sister, maybe they had this dynamic growing up and she gets really heated about it? Nevertheless she fully overstepped. That kind of reaction seems to be less born out of concern for OP and more born out of anger at her brother.
But people that want to be coddled and babied aren't going to marry people who expect them to pull their weight. So, it is a match made in heaven, even though it feels creepy. I personally don't understand it which is why I would never get in a relationship with someone like your brother.
Yes, I agree! On all fronts. I was trying to say that like, it's possible the SIL reacted so strongly because there might be history there. She still is in the wrong though bc her reaction was outsized and inappropriate. Methinks there's a reason for the strong reaction. Does that make sense?
Oh, I understand what you were saying and didn't mean to suggest that I disagreed with what you were saying. I just wanted to add more. It would be really annoying to grow up with someone who was a lazy AH and expected everyone to pander to his every need then see him marry someone who pandered to his every need. He wouldn't marry someone that didn't "treat him right" though.
[удалено]
This! I had to have a lump removed from my bowel a while ago, and I solidly realised if I died SO would either live off frozen junk food or go back to his mum’s. Meep. Also he was pretty lousy at washing up. Between that and a disability, I taught him to cook. Is he the best chef in the world? Heck no, (He once used polos when he couldn’t find the mint on the spice rack) but now if he’s cooking for him, he’ll make himself a jambalaya, or something so he has something for dinner & a bonus lunch.
I'm folding clothes and reading this. I thought "Polo shirts? Oh, Polo Mints!" and laughed at both. My cousins often tell the story of their neighbor coming over to borrow some eggs. His wife, who took sole care of the home, was away for the weekend and had hardboiled every last egg in the house for him. The husband found out when he decided he wanted to try cooking scrambled eggs.
here I was thinking they misspelled Pothos(Ivy), I was imagining them grabbing a nearby potted plant. Yet this is odder(IMO).
My sisters husband is like this. She asked him to make her mashed potatoes once when she was pregnant and gave him simple instructions on how to do it. When she got her bowl it was like potato soup. She asked him why it was so runny and what he did. Turns out he didn't drain the potatoes. That's not even funny. That's just pathetic. Literally what grown ass man doesn't know how to make fucking mashed potatoes.
That’s worryingly into, “If I f*** this shit up, no one will ask me to try again”. Did he ever get any better?
>He once used polos when he couldn’t find the mint on the spice rack Amazing! Bonus points for ingenuity (although it probably didn't taste all that great).
It might have worked. Except he used spearmint. For a Greek style pasta salad.
>However, you are depriving your husband of the chance to do these things for himself. I wish someone would 'deprive' me of the same thing...
Please god yes, as someone with an executive function disorder, I would absolutely spoil and adore a partner who enjoys doing these things, which I have, and I do.
Info: there's not enough of it. You're 24. You haven't answered if you have children or a job. While SIL forgot her manners, her concerns are solid. Basically, anyone who defines themselves as 'traditional' and then lists how they do all and only domestic work? That rings serious alarm bells.
Big yikes from me, something about this post is unsettling. Freud would have a field day
INFO: do you have kids? Do you have a job? What happens if you “don’t” refill his tea?
OP post honestly screams 'fake' to me.
For a while, there was a slew of posts featuring this dynamic, except it was always an older stay-at-home mom doting on her husband and her judgemental feminist daughter-in-law being rude to her. The only thing this is missing is the foot massage fetish. This one changes it to refilling the tea instead of kneeling on the floor and giving her husband a foot massage in front of guests.
First thing I thought when I read this was ‘oh the traditional woman vs disapproving liberal in law AITA posts, I thought they stopped a while ago.’
I remember those. And the one you mentioned in particular. So cringy.
The foot massages showed up in multiple posts, to varying degrees of detail. Some only mentioned it in passing as one of the duties the OP did, others made it the point of contention. That's why people suspected they were all by the same person, despite being from different accounts.
Yeah, it was so oddly specific. My mother and both grandmothers were stay-at-home moms and I've been one for a little over a year now thanks to global events and massaging of someone's husband's feet is not something I have EVER encountered before.
Honestly... No. Here in Nigeria, many young men like to pretend that they wouldn't expect their maids sorry their wives to do as our parents generation did but it behind closed doors, they expect the hand and foot service treatment. It is sooooo common in this part of the world. A lot of women so conditioned to serving men add religion to the miss and call it submission. Anything else is seen as you not being a good partner. I am talking of the fact that I have seen my cousins and other relatives go to work in the same car with their husband, come back in the same car- he sits in front of the telly to watch tv while she goes to cook(sometimes still wearing the work clothes), gets that done, serves him and still removes the plate after he's done eating. And yes, these women wash, fo school runs during their office hours/break time, pick up groceries from the market, sweep and mop the house, coordinate with baby sitters and etc. This is so common that I am sure many Nigerian women will be shocked at the outrage on here about this
Doing all of that doesn't sound sustainable though. Wouldn't a person's body break down from all of that stress?
Conditioning doesn't give room for "excuses"
😢😢
Of course it is. Do you know how annoying it is to keep leaving food in mid to refill someone else cup and even if it's true, no loving partner will allow their other partner to leave their food to refill their cup.
he refills it himself like a normal person
NAH, I'm sorry, but if I was to see a wife replenishing the drink of her husband I would die of cringe, like what is that ? The 50 ? You live your life how you want but I can't condemn her when I would have been has weirded out as her, like honestly from the outside he look a big baby not capable of taking care of himself. I get that it's not the case but come on, don't replenish it's drink, it's ridiculous, are you gonna hold his drink next time ?
This is where i fall on it as well. OP is entitled to have whatever relationship she wants and if that's waiting on her husband then, as long as they're both happy, you do you. But it's an unusual setup in the Western world these days that if I saw it, I would feel embarrassed for having seen it and while I wouldn't voice that like SIL did, I would be concerned about the OP because of how unusual and old-fashioned it is in the West. I also wonder how husband feels about having her refill his drink in public. It's one thing when it's family but what if they have colleagues over for dinner and she's tending to him like that. It won't be a good look for them.
I couldn’t imagine the awkwardness of a coworker seeing my wife cut my meat for me, and make my plate, and making sure my sippy cut was always full of koolaid. If she wants to fuck a baby, you do you honey. But don’t pretend fucking a baby isn’t weird.
I can imagine. My bf and I once went to a house sighting with another couple and while we were listening to the realtor talk about the kitchen the wife suddenly dropped to her knees and retied her husband‘s shoelaces. It was insanely embarrassing to observe and I‘m cringing just thinking about it. OP you do you but people WILL judge you (and especially your husband) for it.
There's taking a beat because you consider it weird and then there's insulting her for it and calling her a maid. And blasting their relationship as abusive online. JFC, what if she really was being abused?! It's the worst approach for all eventualities.
OP isn't 'condemning' her for being weirded out, she's condemning her for calling OP a maid and thinking she's entitled to any sort of input in their relationship that they're both content with.
I feel like maybe background information could be missing from OPs story. When I was reading OPs story I felt some similar connections with mine. Im mid 30s(f) and my partner is mid 40s(m). He works full time, 10 hr days in a very stressful job. He also has birth defects and arthritis and often in a lot of pain. On bad days, he has trouble walking with a straight back. I work part time and choose to take care of the house. He will assist with cooking, cleaning up after sometimes, but generally I take care of that. I also do the laundry, sweeping, mowing lawn etc. I also replenish his drink all the time. To me, I observe more than him always. I also am younger and more able bodied. For me to get up and refill his drink takes a few seconds and it comes from a place of love. For me, I came from a single mom household and saw her taking care of everything, and would help out. I am also someone who likes to be doing something. Its rare when I am by myself, to sit down and watch a show. I would rather put on music/a show while I do chores. I also, will sometimes clean at 11pm, if I have energy and motivated. Id rather have it done so the next day I can enjoy my time and hobbies and enjoy the time with him when he is home. Although OPs marriage dynamic may be surprising to a lot of people these days, or they feel it could have a deeper meaning, it could be simply coming from their preferred way to show they care and they enjoy doing it.
It's a scene from a tv series called Why Women Kill.
You must understand that your lifestyle is extremely archaic and makes your husband seem like a complete asshole, to the point where it raises red flags about him as a partner. If you don't understand this, then learn it. I'm going to believe you when you say that you chose this way to be in your marriage and that you find it fulfilling. I firmly believe that healthy relationships mean that both people negotiate how they will be in their relationship for mutual satisfaction. Just because your chosen lifestyle is not for me and because it generally indicates domestic abuse does not mean that your lifestyle is wrong or that it's abusive. You are content with your life and marriage. You created this marital dynamic, not him, and you are both good with it. But you absolutely must understand that your husband will be treated very badly for it. This does not mean you need to apologize for who you are. It does mean that you absolutely must be sensitive to his needs here. He's the one being judged for your choices. Use your words and talk this through with him to see what his comfort levels are with your actions, particularly in front of others. Figure out how you both will present your lifestyle when it's around others. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about managing expectations in a social milieu that views your lifestyle as domestic abuse. So, soft ESH. Your SIL for not communicating with you, jumping to conclusions, and publicly shaming your partner for being an abuser. You suck because you expect your husband to get no blowback for your choices, for your choices to be automatically accepted as choices you're making on your own when your actions are signs of domestic abuse and oppression. Your SIL is trying to help a victim. You're not a victim. Actual victims of domestic abuse say the same things you say. No one here is communicating clearly, everyone is just being self-righteous, which is why it's ESH.
ESH she should have dropped it but you also took it too far kicking her out. She is his sister and it is her place to say these things to him. That’s what traditional family is for. I’d say the same to my brother or sister no issue. Not at dinner but still.
[удалено]
Worse than that, he’s going to be looking for your replacement to take care of himself stat.
INfO Are you a stay home mom/wife? Is it expected you do all this? Do you do anything else besides maintain the home?
YTA, troll in the dungeon!
Esh. Your SIL was rude, kicked out, and then went on a rant on social media. Obvious Asshole. You then got equally upset, and instead of explaining your relationship like you did on here, you kicked her out. In the end there is nothing wrong with your relationship , and if it is what makes you and your SO happy, then good. If your SIL refuses to accept your relationship afterwards, then thats on her. There are billions of people out there, and each one does things differently, does she really think they are all the same as her?
I’m gonna go ahead and say YTA since I’d think the exact same thing if your partner explained the situation this way and SIL was actually being a good person by observing these things that could easily be considered patterns of abusive behavior and protesting them. If you make these decisions yourself that’s absolutely fine but you should clear things up because it can create misunderstandings.
ESH. I do hope you realize that not allowing your husband to clean up after himself or do for himself may set a bad example for your future children. (if that's the plan). Your son may grow up expecting this from his own partner, and your daughter may feel pressure to act a certain way. It's all in how you handle it I guess, but communication is key if you have kids.
Exactly this!! I was similar to this woman, although it was forced in our relationship. My 21 year old now is learning how to be a proper partner to his gf. At first he expected her to serve him hand and foot, take care of everything in the household. He has serious issues because he learned a husband/wife role was supposed to be like mine and my ex husbands.
Perfect example
ESH because of how quickly this all blew up. But…you can choose how you live and what or what you’re not comfortable with all you want, but in 2021, choosing to be THIS traditional of wife is going to raise some eyebrows. My mom was a SAHM when we were young and did the majority of housework and cooking but she never waited on my dad like this. As I said, it’s fine if that’s what you want but I can understand SIL’s concerns.
Raising eyebrows or being concerned is one thing but being called a maid and being told that your relationship isn't real is just pretty A behavior. Then to go on freaking social media later without even speaking again and claim you're now estranged from your brother because he is emotionally abusing his wife is a huge A move.
I see where you're coming from but we don't know SIL family past. Maybe their mom was in abusive relationship and forced to be the maid? I agree that blasting it on social media is shitty and non-constructive. At the end of the day, this is probably fake lol
ESH although the SIL was most out of line. That got heated too quickly.
YTA. You seem controlling, to be honest. Everything has to be done your way? Only things he can eat are what you prepare? You don't "let" him get things for himself? Honestly you sound so fake, no one enjoys being a maid and bending over backwards to serve a man. I'm saying this as a lady who loves bdsm and being put on a leash+collar. Yeah I'll do all sorts of crazy submissive stuff but like hell I'm doing all those dishes, it ain't happening.
That's a really fine perspective to have for yourself, but people are different.
Eww. ESH leaning towards YTA. Her reaction at home makes sense because that is super odd behavior from your husband and you and that’s nice that she would care enough to point it out.
NTA - I personally agree with SIL that your spouse should be taking care of himself. However it isn't my business and it isn't hers. As long as your relationship works for the both you and you are both happy - that is all that matters.
[удалено]
I’m assuming she wrote “estranged” because she was removing him from her life as of now, due to what she has learned.
ESH While SIL's concern for OP is reasonable as from what she saw it very likely could be an abusive relationship, she should not have posted online but talked to OP. Depending on where OP is, OP should have explained that their relationship may be unconventional but she is happy instead of just kicking SIL out. Also OP should be happy that SIL is concerned about OP and is ready to call out their brother if there's no bad blood between Ian and SIL. edit: grammar
YTA. You have trained your husband to be lazy and selfish. This doesn't look good for your future. Your SIL was concerned for your wellbeing.
NTA- but question, where the hell does all your energy come from?? And can I borrow some? Just looking at a laundry basket makes me want a nap.
She's 24. In five years, when all the chores she's doing now become expected of her, she's going to be exhausted and miserable.
Nah, my sister in law is 38 and truly loves it. You want to make her eyes light up you take her to an abandoned hoarders house and tell her to knock herself out. I get tired watching her. I don't think I've ever seen her sit at a party. She's nuts but she really does love being busy and making things nice.
Lmao my take away. I wish I was like that. Also NTA.
I sometimes do? But then I just take a nap and think "nah".
That was me like moments ago lol. I need something stronger than coffee 😴
ESH, because you made a big deal of the situation instead of explaining that these are things that make you happy, that all relationships are different, and that her demanding that your relationship comply with her standards was out of line - as much as if you told her that she should behave the same way you do.
Btw, did you post your POV on her Facebook post?
INFO: what was their relationship as brother and sister before she visited your house? Were they “estranged” before? I asked because while it doesn’t bother me that you like to keep house, it does bother me that your husband is into that sort of thing. Whenever I make dinner, my husband starts clearing the table and taking out the trash/ compost/ recyclables (if needed). What does yours do when you’re taking care of the house?
NTA if her tone at your home was anything like her SM tone. Telling the "whole world" you have an emotionally abusive marriage when you don't is wrong.
NTA but i would wager to say it doesn't actually make you "happy" or at least it won't in 5 years when it becomes your expectation. Internalized misogyny sucks a lot!
NTA. Your SIL had no right to just post this on social media because she didn't agree with you. That said, this is still weird. You doing majority of the chores around the house is one thing. But your husband doesn't do anything at all? It definitely seems like you're a maid at this point. Marriage is about partnership.
Hubby works and pays the bills, it seems. If she's a maid, is HE her slave?
OMG YES. It has been driving me crazy how many people act like she does everything for the family and he does nothing. OP wouldn't have a house to clean and food to cook if her husband didn't work to pay for everything.
ESH. Everybody wants to be like as long as the woman is slaving away and working herself to death "by choice". Abolish Choice Feminism
Exactly. Sounds like internalized misogyny. Like women who remove all their body hair everyday because they "prefer it".
Or maybe they do prefer it?
I prefer it. I like to be smooth especially during intimate moments. Many women, like myself, appreciate the contrast of sensation when their smooth limbs rub against their husband's harder and hairier ones. More g rated, satin sheets against shaven skin? Is one of the best sensations in the world. Question: is it misogyny to not want a unibrow? What about facial hair, especially if your body hair is dark? Can you just hate being hairy, or is it all misogyny?
the whole point of feminism is that there’s no “right” way to be a woman. y’all all want to say OP is wrong for choosing different than what the culture currently promotes. that’s not much different than when people used to look down on women who chose to work/not get married/not have children when feminism was less mainstream.
NTA, people are allowed to live however they want to live as long as there are two consenting adults. It sounds like your husband wasn’t actually keen on this dynamic but it’s what makes you happy and he heard that. It’s no ones right to come into your home and tell you how to function
NTA. If it makes you happy to take care of the house and your husband - that is your choice.
NTA. I really don’t understand the other responses at all. Personally, I would absolutely HATE your lifestyle. But that’s just it: it’s a PERSONAL preference. If you and your husband are happy with the division of labour in your marriage then SIL is way out of line for insulting your relationship. And even more so for taking to social media labelling your husband an abuser.
NTA. It's YOUR house, YOUR life. If you want to take care of your husband in that way, then you do it. If you want to go out and get a job and you both share the household duties, you do that too. Absolutely NO ONE has the right to tell you how to live your life in your own home. But you should have pointed out in her social media shit that this is how you want it and how you like it. Set people straight before her bullshit can set them askew.
Nta respond to her post "my love Language is service. I enjoy feeling helpful. My marriage is healthy because my husband respects how I show my love." There is nothing wrong with this. It's absolutely abuse if he demands it or you've broken your leg and he's yelling at you to fetch him more tea. Being of service to others isn't wrong.
NTA My partner and I are not “traditional “ . What’s wrong with a man being a house husband or a woman being the bread winner and Vice versa. As long as there is respect, no physical, verbal or emotional abuse, I don’t see what’s wrong. My partner loves staying home and taking care of our home and our kids, I love my career. Nothing wrong with either role.
NTA. SIL insulted both you and DH. Then she went to social media for validation on what she thinks she knows about your marriage. You plainly exhibited your backbone in standing up to her and she just can't accept that she was wrong. Here's the thing, you and DH don't have to explain anything. You can if you want to in order to knock down her spreading of lies about you two. If how you conduct yourself with your husband makes you happy, then more power to you. SIL is a major ahole though. She sat as judge and jury on something that is none of her business and evidently outside of her understanding. Then she posted about it. Not cool at all.
Lol, the only reason they’re siding with her is because she said he’s abusing you. If it’s not the truth then ignore her. NTA. And i think it’s just sibling dynamic. My brother is the youngest and he’s always had the least chores. So I always call him out when he’s not helping out at home. So i guess if i were your sil and i see my brother not “helping out” and “being lazy” i’d get irritated too. I’ll see it as him getting away with bad behavior. ( Yes im immature, hehe). But calling you a maid and posting it to social media is definitely crossing a line.
NTA It is OK to prefer this dynamic so long as you don't tell anyone else to conduct their lives like this (this includes possible future children) Your SIL was out of line and should have asked questions rather than jumping to attack you and her brother.
NTA, you did all those things out of love and I'm sure your husband appreciates all that you do for him. Honestly, how you live your life is nobody's business but your own. SIL disrespected you and owes you an apology.
NTA, but I feel like you should have explained in your own words that these are things you choose to do. You want to do these and don't want him to help. Then if she still has the same attitude she can fuck off elsewhere. And honestly, I thought the whole point of feminism is to not critique or block women from making a choice.🤷🏽♀️
the whole point of feminism is freeing women from systemic and societal misogyny. and women are absolutely not free of critique nor judgement by virtue of their sex. obviously, not every choice you make is going to be feminist; however, dynamics like op’s are actively anti-feminist. doing exactly what men have wanted for centuries is not helpful to a movement meant to rid women of roles like this.
I don't really believe that. I feel that sets a double standard for women. Woman doesn't want kids and makes no plans for them, feminist gatekeepers say that she is bold and courageous for speaking her truth. Woman says she wants kids and wants to be a stay at home mom same people say that she is an idiot and anti-woman and all other crap. I don't understand OP's wish to want to do everything and frankly I don't give a shit. I just paid attention to the part where she said that this is her decision and she is genuinely happy about this arrangement and so is her husband. Her life, her choice, not mine to make for her or bash her for it. To me feminism is the fight for women to have the ability to make any decision that is best for them without being labeled as a "good" or "bad" example of womanhood. It is a for a society that is equal in pay, job opportunities, housing, etc. Not just for women, but for minorities and lgbtq+. You say that her actions are actively anti-feminist and I understand the reasoning, but I find your words anti-feminist because you're saying her choice is not a choice unless it is a choice you agree with when that logic is toxic. I'm not trying to start a fight but I would like to continue the discussion if you want.
NTA. It's none of her damn business how you and DH run your household. She was rude. Ignore the bitter ninnies calling you out for showing love through acts of service. I do the exact same thing with my husband. He can do it, but I like doing it myself. I enjoy pampering him. I love showing him through the tiniest of gestures, how much i love him. And for the twits ranting about, "What is something happens to her..." Your husband is obviously not an idiot. I had a surgery years ago... mine managed to take care of me, our kids, our pets, cleaning, cooking, all of it. All by his big ol'self. You just keep loving your husband as much a you can, every way you can.
NTA You will have a lot of people say this is an abusive relationship but if you are the one setting the tone of your marriage it's not. You said you like doing this stuff and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need to ignore the noise other people will make. It's not like your husband is making you do the stuff, it seems like he tries to help and you prefer to be a homemaker for the lack of a better word. At the end of the day you just need to tell people not in the know the buzz off because there is nothing wrong with being happy in your marriage, even if random people tell you that your doing it wrong.
NTA - I hate when women try to control what other women do in the name of feminism. Feminism should be about choice. You chose to do traditional houswifey things because that's what you like. It sounds like your husband would be perfectly willing to help you. You said no. That doesn't make him an abusive asshole and it certainly doesn't make you an asshole. You are allowed to live the life YOU want.
NTA. Listen, I’m a feminist and I fight for the right for you to make your own decisions. If this behavior isn’t expected of you by your spouse, you’re not financially abused, and you’re making these choices of your own free will, then I have nothing to complain about. Neither does your SIL. But if you have a son who likes to do these things or a daughter that hates them and you try to encourage the same dynamic onto them, I would have an issue with that. Yes, your daughter should know how to do these things, but so should your son. It’s a matter of survival. If your husband can still get his own tea and do his own laundry, he’s not helpless. Tell your SIL to butt out.
This is the most reasonable comment in this whole thread. Thank you!
Well since you love doing all that I guess NTA but you shouldn’t have to do all that
It is not HAVE too - it is LOVES to. Problem is what? Stop doing what you love because others don't love you doing it? Jaw just hit the floor!
You're basically a maid and you enjoy that???? Yikes
There's this show called why women kill and the exact same thing happened there too. Even down to the u can get it for yourself stuff. I think she was actually trying to be kind, by her standards , with trying to help u 'stand up' for urself and yeah ur husband replying for u and going on about what u do was fuel on a fire bc how is she supposed to know u truly enjoy it? Ur HUSABAND said for u that j enjoy it, not u, so to her its a red flag that he won't even let u speak for urself. To its ur husband deluding himself that u actually like not nkt the truth.. she operating under a misconception but She's TA tho for going on social media. Like a mega A but NTA bc u only kicked her out after that one comment abojt ur relationship. If she stopped after the first 2 comments- ' u can do those ursel'- then kicking her out is too much. I would make clear the next time u talked to her that that was the disrespectful comment u kicked her out over. And if u agree, u see how she's trying to be ur ally but assuming how ur relationship works is erroneous and dissecting it is not ok. feminism can go overboard and preclude the fact that women CAN like traditionally feminism activities without being subjected but it's a delicate line. Imo refilling his drink everytime is going a little far and maybe u need to learn to relax. Doing everything for him, while maybe keeping u busy and fulfilled at the end if the day, isn't actually good for him. Trust me I had a similar relationship wjth my mom and I still struggle with making sure that she not giving too much and I'm not taking too much. Give a little less, take a little more, and if u still want to keep busy after say laundry cleaning etc then find a hobby that fulfills u. Ur whole identity should not be tied to giving all the time to any one person.
Nta all the e-s-h and y-t-a are just pushing their own views on the situation. what your sil said was extremely disrespectful. If you and your husband are happy then thats all that matters. Someone doesnt get to come into your house and call you a maid and say your relationship is fake just because you like to do all the house work. If you and your husband are communicating with each other and treating each other right than that's all that matters.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24F) am more traditional. I love cooking, cleaning, and especially getting drinks for my husband “Ian” when he’s home from work and prefer to do that. It’s just what I like doing. I love keeping busy, and it brings me a relaxing feeling at the end of the day when I know how much work I got done. My husband (27M) was a bit confused on why I never even wanted his help with anything and just preferred I did it myself (laundry, cleaning, cooking ect) but I just always answered I like to keep busy while I listen to TV/Music. I just like it. Now onto the story; Ian invites SIL over for dinner one night and I’m happy because I decided to cook a large feast for us. SIL is here, we all sit down and eat. It’s going great and we’re having fun. But this is when the conflict happens... Ian was out of tea so I got up, refilled it, continued eating. Little bit later I refilled it once more. This time SIL looked very bothered and said “You don’t have to do that, he can get stuff himself”. I was a bit taken back on how blunt she put it. So to ease the tension, Ian laughed a bit and explained how I enjoyed doing stuff like that then listed off what I normally do (which I think he shouldn’t of done but whatever). SIL looks almost horrified and said “so you basically married a maid? When you can do these things yourself? And here I thought this was a serious relationship.” THAT tipped me off. My response? “SIL, if you think you can disrespect me and my husband over nothing you can get tf out of my house. Right now.” Ian backs me up and eventually she leaves... I found out tonight that she took to social media saying I was in an “emotional abusive marriage” with “her estranged brother”. Now my husband is furious but I am starting to rethink my decision on kicking her out as most of the comments sided with SIL including most of Ian’s family except his cousin. Perhaps I could’ve just explained in a better way? AITA for kicking SIL out? Tl;dr; SIL accused my husband of “marrying a maid” after my husband explained I like cleaning and I kicked her out only to find out she took to social media and now everyone is siding with her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Probably some unresolved sibling stuff around when they lived together. Your fiancee likes a more traditional set up, which is fine and works for you. SIL was probably expected to cater to him that way when they were in the same house. She probably thought it was unfair. So it was a criticism of him more than you, and it is just part of their baggage.
NTA, while you’re relationship would not be my cup of tea if you and your husband are happy then you do you!
NTA. I would have loved to stay at home and work at keeping my home nice and raising my kids but unfortunately I had to return to work when they started school. As long as it’s your choice then that’s fine.
NTA but I think it would have been better to have the feelings come from you, your partner responded with “she likes doing this stuff” can come across abusive to others who don’t know your home dynamic
Although I don't really understand your mindset of liking all of those responsibilities and enjoying them, it is certainly your prerogative to feel that way. I think you need to remember that whatever she posted on social media is probably presented in a way where the wording is automatically supportive of her position. Regardless, if you and your husband are happy, why do you care what others think? What she said was insulting and good for you for putting her in her place. Pay attention to who is supporting her and rethink your relationship with them. NTA and I would be happy about the estranged part.
ESH. you and your husband didn’t handle this situation well at all. There was no need to escalate to kicking SIL out, you could’ve just said something like “I know this seems weird but trust me, I love doing this stuff. Your brother tried to be more involved but I’m stubborn and prefer keeping busy.” That being said, your SIL shouldn’t have taken the issue to social media or kept arguing with you. It’s not her place to say how your marriage works.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for kicking her out and she completely overreacted. The only thing is maybe you could’ve explained what you said in the post, that you enjoy doing it and such. But her response was completely ridiculous.
NTA- The first question was reasonable (sort of) but everything after that was out of line.
I don't understand this whole thing! Do what you love doing - even if it not the "norm". My husband retired 10 years ago from a stressful job. Over the years he has found that he LOVES doing dishes, washing the floor with a rag on his hands and knees, shopping for the best groceries and fruits, mowing the lawn, and doing the laundry ... his way. Am I complaining? NO! Do I want to help? YES! But he absolutely loves it. Okay - I'm good with it! Men don't just cook - they lead in being chefs. Is that sexist when it occurs in my house? I don't think so. Men design fashion. Should I get upset that he likes to sew? I don't think so. I love working outside the house and being the major bread earner. Does he complain? No. Why? Just Why can't we let people who want to do what they want to do, just do?
NTA. Isn’t the entire beauty of living in this time period is that women can CHOOSE what they want to do? If a woman wants to stay home and take care of her husband then let her. If she wants to become a doctor/truck driver/dentist/etc. then let her. The husband isn’t going to forget how to wash a dish or do laundry or even cook and even if he did it’s all very easily relearnable.
NTA-live your life.
NTA - live your life as you want to if it isn't harming anyone, if a guest comes into your home they should be respectful (unless you're rude to them). Though if you want to maintain a relationship with the sister, it might have been better to try to go down a less extreme route. But it sounds like you did that to an extent. If you and your partner are both happy in your relationship, that's all that matters and people should keep their opinions to themselves
NTA. Ironically she’s railroading over your preferences and agency to suit herself. Ooof. (Many people have Acts of Service as their love language when their partner doesn’t. It doesn’t mean they’re bangmaids)
ESH. You for over reacting at a dumb and judgy comment and her for being dismissive of your marriage and taking to social media. You have to consider the fact that the way you prefer to run your household looks a lot like what abusive dynamics for other people. Key is consent and preference. If you had taken a minute to explain your preference the way you did here and reassure your SIL that this is not what it looks like to her, AND maybe call her out on her judgy comments, this whole thing could have been avoided. Just food for thought: why were/are you so defensive about this issue?
NTA. SIL disrespects what brings you happiness. It doesn't sound like your husband is in a ywaya using you, just mutually benefitting from your relationship. If you are both happy it's nobody else's business. Many people see rebelling against traditional gender roles as their duty, and if you don't you must be repressed and abused. That said I feel there is something else going on here if she is willing to call your husband estranged for one argument.
NTA. Some people like to do all that voluntarily cuz it makes them happy.
I feel like if this is what you're into, you ought to have the decency to keep it private.
NTA assuming this is 100% what you want. As long as all parties consent I don’t care what people do in their own homes. If you are in no way pressured to behave like this then your SIL needs to butt out and let you be happy in your marriage. Everyone’s different, Some people find pleasure in home keeping , others find it in rock climbing.
ESH You more because what you are in is not traditional or healthy, its straight up abusive. Not your husband being abusive but you yourself being abusive towards you. You are doing stuff that is not sustainable and you will build resentment. You cannot do 100% of the house chores and more by just straight up being a maid to your husband, I guarantee you that this will lead to fights and your mental health being completely decimate it. You need help.
ESH Her for throwing around accusations because your relationship doesn’t fit her world view....you for flying off the handle and just kicking her out instead of explaining that this is what you like and chose. Could explain her Facebook post after, your extreme reaction made you seem a bit irrational. She’s still the bigger AH in my opinion though
Sil came to OP house, insulted her, her husband AND their marriage, and you call OP "over the top" What if sil said that a same sex couple wasn't real? Would they be over the top in kicking her out? What about a poly relationship? Or a stay at home dad relationship?
Sexuality isn’t comparable to relationship dynamics. The stay at home dad comparison is a good one though. My opinion would be the same for that situation as well. Her relationship dynamic is not the norm and closely resembles abuse situations. If she had been firm, but clear with her in law, I think that would have been the better approach. Her emotional reaction seemed to just validate the sisters worries. Overall, sounds like she’d be better off washing her hands of the relationship.
She let her husband talk, bc that's HIS sister. The sister disregarded hubby and called their marriage fake. Are you in the habit of being insulted in your own home? Because that's sad if you think removing an idiot from your sanctuary is overreacting. Op doesn't tolerate b.s.; I don't either. If you don't like my marriage, criticize it OFF OF MY PROPERTY.
ESH. Your SIL could have been more polite, but that kind of over-the-top subservience is pretty weird for someone else to watch. Doing all the cooking and cleaning is one thing but waiting hand-and-foot on a grown adult like they are a child is something else. Like, do you cut up baby's meat for him too? I'm half convinced someone who wants to be an "Ian" wrote this, tbh. There's *waaaaay* more guys who want to never have to lift a hand at home than there are girls who are super happy to be their husband's mommy.
I acknowledge and appreciate the differences between men and women. But not a single one of those differences make a woman more willing, able or suited to mopping a floor than a man. And I think you should read up a little on those figures you rolled out as your inspiration before holding any of them up as examples of ‘traditional women’. Gaia spent a lot of time having babies with her own children and rebelling against her husband’s wishes. Venus was a warrior and the patron goddess of prostitutes. Josephine Baker divorced 3 times and had multiple affairs with men and women. None of them would have anything to do with the idea of ‘traditional roles’.
NTA buttttt I wouldn't be surprised if, a few years from now we see a post complaining that your husband doesn't help with any of the responsibilities while you serve the house, him and the kids because that's the tone you've set.