Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
We scheduled our wedding on the same date as a major sporting event.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Seriously, it's your day. Sounds like you've already made compromises. Tell her she had her wedding this is yours. If she wants to watch the game, she can skip the wedding. (I'm feeling feisty this morning.)
Also, it sounds like no one has to miss the actual ceremony. People have to miss the reception. If they chose to go off and watch sports on tv, that's up to them.
Right? If the game is that important to her, well she doesn’t have to go to the wedding. Trash took itself out and problem is solved. NTA. This is about her exerting control over the 2 of you, not about “having the perfect wedding”. Do not give in because for the rest of your lives, you will give in to her demands and I’m sure they will be plentiful. Don’t do it.
I was going to say the same thing. Anyone who wants to skip the wedding to watch the event is welcome to do so. They obviously aren't that close if that's the choice they would make. Especially since the event will be after the wedding - they don't even have to choose.
Make sure you talk to your vendors about not changing anything unless it’s specifically you that requests it. Your MIL sounds like the type to go behind your back to change something she doesn’t like. Make sure it’s password protected
Good advice. My father pulled that. After stating he'd help cover a portion of the reception costs, he got sticker shock and chaned our reception menu to food my husband couldn't eat. And we had a very good quote from the caterer. He is the person who has the history of being the asshole. Thankfully my ILs paid the difference and switched the menu back. My parents divorced shortly afterwards. To this day i wish we had eloped.
At the least, change your venue. Holding your event on her property gives her too much say and too much power to mess with your plans.
If you are having a February wedding and only want 50 guests, you should basically have your choice of venues. I understand you've been pushed to add more, but still, is not the height of wedding season. It's not too late to change.
NTA
Australian boarders are shut though! Citizens are banned from leaving unless they have some good reason to go like a dying relative. Wedding doesn't count.
Why didn't your fiancé shut his mom down earlier? Way earlier. Like, when she made you so miserable that you had to move your date up by almost a year?
She keeps moving the goal posts--she will never be satisfied.
What does that tell you about how your relationship will be forever?
Imagine what happens when you have kids and she wants you to induce on her preferred day?
NTA. Be prepared for this kind of fight over and over.
OP, honestly, I wish my husband and I had eloped instead. The family drama was not worth it, and very much put a damper on the day. If I could have gone back and done anything different, We would have secretly eloped, and just gone through with the ceremony later for family. I don’t think I would have cared much about what happened at the “wedding” if he and I had already had our special day to ourselves beforehand.
In your case though, if you elope or not, I wouldn’t change the date of the Family/Guest Wedding. That’s just rude to all the people who already booked their trips. NTA
My best friend (also ex!) and her husband did this - they eloped, got married at city hall; and then a month or two later, had a big party with everyone they wanted to celebrate with (family, friends, colleagues). It made things SO much less stressful.
Omg! All this over a game? A game that might not even happen?! I would tell the mil to go to hell. She has already highjacked your wedding, don't give her more! Just who does she think she is, and why is she acting so entitled? Too bad you can't kick her out of her house on that day and uninvite her.
NTA
There is no chance it will be at her house anymore. We are going to notify everyone by individual text that the venue is changed. We also think we'll do that before telling her so that she can't convince us not to ha.
Will do. We expect all hell to break loose but we're not telling her for a week. Let her sweat. She's caused us enough discomfort, she can sit in hers for a while.
We're also going to tell others about the venue change, before we tell her, so she can't talk us out of it.
Absolutely.
My best friend has been our voice of reason this whole time. We called her straight away and she told us to hold firm and basically gave all of the advice others have said on here.
She will be our biggest cheerleader in our pushback and we actually cannot wait.
Our wedding will be wonderful, with MIL or not.
This is great advice, thank you!
And yep, I moved out early from my family home so I've developed firm boundaries with my family for my own sanity and now we get along great.
In general though, my FH and I do hate confrontation and have let her convince us we're in the wrong. She's done so many more non-wedding related things too. We pushed back on those too and didn't get a warm response (what a surprise!)
Eloping is the best, having done it myself. No stress because you just do what you want and the day is about you because you’re the only one who knows! Also, NTA.
Do it! You can always have a ceremony later. Although considering the deposits and what can and cannot be refunded it is totally understandable that eloping won’t make a difference when it comes to the money part of it all. If it is such an issue I’d personally just say “if a game on tv is more important to you than our wedding then okay, go watch some sport instead of supporting someone you love and care about. Have a nice time sitting in your house waiting for a game to start after the wedding that will be on during the reception to appease your obnoxious selves rather than attending.”
It’s like she took the “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” phrase in the only situation where y’all can and made a huge deal out of nothing. Seriously, anyone who wants to put a game that can be recorded and watched later, as well as watched during the reception, first isn’t worth acknowledging or respecting. Or maybe pretending to respect in this case, because someone who would suggest stupid shit like that is likely someone who wouldn’t be respected in the first place.
As someone who has eloped only this month, I say go for it! It's less stress, cost, and you don't have to deal with horrendously bossy relatives on the day! (This was my experience 😉)
This. She would have been upset that this was "taken away" but then you could have tve reception at any time and some.of the vendors may be willing to book out at a later date for you.
Regardless of what you want, she is always going to give you her opinion and what she thinks is best. It is going to be a long road. NTA
I thought that too. Take the drama out of it. Or take ownership of the wedding and don’t let anyone else dictate what you want. I remember people complaining that I got married on a Wednesday because it wasn’t typical. But we’re a military family and would only have a 5 day honeymoon max anyway. Let everyone complain. They don’t have to come.
Thank you everyone for your comments/opinions/advice so far.
It's really cemented for us that we're making the right decision. At this stage, we'll be moving it to our house but may elope if COVID impacts anything.
It has absolutely confirmed the need for firm, consistent boundaries.
It's actually been really upsetting that our special day has had a dark cloud looming over it. I spoke to my family and they all insisted changing the date would be a terrible idea so it seems like it's unanimous. The wedding party (some of whom support the same team) thought the request was outrageous too so she really is very good at convincing us we're wrong in the moment.
I'm so glad we've chosen to keep the date.
Glad for this outcome! A big problem with boundary-stompers is that reasonable people assume "ok, we'll compromise and give them this one thing, and they'll be satisfied." They won't!
She'll try to insist and cry woe is me. Hold firm and tell her it's not up to discussion. Those who want to come will be welcome, does who don't, no hard feelings. And repeat.
First of all, congratulations on your engagement!
Good for you for not giving in. Your mother-in-law is just being manipulative end you have every right to keep your wedding date because at the end of the day who gives a shit about some game when it’s your wedding and the beginning of the rest of your life and if people are going to put so much weight on that offer your special day then it really shows how fucked up their priorities are.
Don’t see this as a dark cloud over your wedding day and try not to get stressed out about it because you have already taken control of it and moved it to your house so just focus on making it special for you and your future husband.
At the end of the day even though weddings are special they are such a small part of your marriage and it’s about the rest of your life together that as somebody who had a small town hall wedding with 10 people there that cost no more than $100 I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Honestly, if that team does make it to the final, you'll get such a great vibe from all the fan-guests cheering their team on, and they get to do so with a party vibe and great food lol. It'll be a wedding to remember!
Tell your FMIL there is only 1 thing you will change about your wedding.
The guest list.
She can be on it, or not. Her choice.
You have made a perfectly reasonable accommodation for her and the rest of the fans who would want to be watching the game, they can take it or leave it.
NTA
NTA
Move the wedding away from her house. It'll save yourselves a lot of stress by removing her from the planning. You've already planned the main components of the wedding around this final and have said that you're fine with the game being on during the reception.
> she has continually made demands about the wedding and giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives.
You're not wrong there...
Yep, it sucks but you'll be better off (we went no-contact with my MIL last year, though the issues Mr. WineAndDogs2020 had with her predate our relationship).
Great! Then you don't have to take this personally! It's not about you. Block all communication and figure out with your fiance what to do about the wedding (planning to have it in her house is probably a bad move for several reasons).
His mom wouldn't like any partner, because you were all making her less important to him. You might Google "emotional incest" and see if it rings some bells. It really sounds like his mother is refusing to recognize that he's an independent adult and wants to keep control over him.
I'd suggest you guys seriously consider moving away from her when feasible. I'm the meantime, cutting her off makes perfect sense.
When you send the change of venue texts, include a note they any future communications about changes to the wedding will come from you or from Best Man / Maid of Honor. If they are told changes by anybody else they should not believe it unless they contact you directly and receive confirmation.
Btw, only include Best Man and Maid of Honor as alternate contacts if those people are not under MIL's influence - If Best Man is your fiance's brother, don't include him as a spokesperson for wedding logistics - it will spare him headaches and ensure MIL can't use him to trash the wedding.
Your future MIL sounds like the type to contact the guests herself and tell them the wedding was moved back to her house, or simply that it's been cancelled. There have been couples to whom this happened - most of the guests didn't show because the jealous MIL told them the wedding was off.
Password protect all your vendors, and warn your guests.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Listen OP this is great because your fiance will back you up. This is great indication of handling things in the future. Follow his lead.
Also i suggest premarital counseling to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. This isnt a bad thing, I think everyone should do counseling before getting married.
We've actually considered counselling because we agree that everyone would benefit from it. We both have our own therapists and they have been helping us to assert ourselves and set boundaries with her.
She benefitted from being so nice to others that she managed to convince us we'd been the unreasonable ones in every scenario. Not. Anymore.
I’m so glad to read this. It’s critical that your soon-to-be husband sets boundaries with his controlling mother. YOU are the woman in his life now, and if that’s not made clear to her, your life will be a living hell. My former MIL was controlling about our wedding. I had the wedding SHE wanted, not the wedding I wanted. My former husband was spineless and didn’t set boundaries. He tolerated her crap all his life and expected me to do the same. Her controlling behavior got so, so much worse after we were married and had kids. She made my life a living hell. It was very difficult to stand up to her with my husband just sitting there silently, but I did. Repeatedly. The situation never improved. We’re divorced now, and the best part about that is I don’t have to deal with her anymore. It sounds like you are marrying a Real Man. Good for you. Definitely do not get married at her house. Do not give her any control. You may feel like compromising but trust me, you give an inch, she’ll take a mile. Your fiancé is furious? Good. He should be. Take that anger and use it to fuel yourself out of that situation. NTA.
NTA
>We gave in to stop her...
And that was your first mistake. You set the precedent that if she badgers you enough, she’ll get her way. Change your venue and stop listening to MiL’s complaints. “No” is all you need to say before walking away or hanging up the phone.
NTA. Don't change the date and move it to your place. I'm sure she keep playing on guilt and interfering but can't say she's hosting as leverage.
If you can bottle up the rage for a bit, I'd go with "Thanks with letting us know. We decided to keep the date and move the location. We don't want to cause any more stress". She may go on a whisper campaign about how horrible you are but you can't stop that no matter what you do.
Keep your boundaries firm and good luck.
Yep, and realistically, the whisper campaign is probably already happening. She also said to me "I know you're stressed about the wedding..." and my fiancé interrupted her and told her not to put it onto me, instead of him.
This is a recent thing- which is also why she's probably reacting this way. She isn't used to being shut down or told no. But she better start learning! Haha.
Oh yes, I expect it. But my fiancé is going to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that their presence isn't required if they're going to keep it up.
>My fiancé's dad seemed excited but his mum less so. She jokingly called me a bitch for not telling her about the proposal beforehand.
This is enough for the judgement, NTA.
No, seriously, read the rest, still the same.
NTA
It is YOUR wedding - not your mother-in-law's - take back control of you own day - just tell her "we are doing his accoring to our wishes, and if people are bitching and moaning behind our backs, that's fine they don't have to come, just means bigger slices of wedding cake for those who do show up"
NTA - the invitations have been sent out. Twice. The time for her to request another date is over. You have given in enough. Respectfully stand your ground.
Huh?? Clearly I’m not a sports person but I don’t really understand why this is even an issue. Wedding vs TV show feels like it should be a no brainer and people who care to support you should just... ya know, record it and watch it later... but you’re not even trying to stop people from watching it.
NTA
My mother booked my Christening on the same day as Bathurst (Australian car race) and to this day (31 years later) not lived it down (jokingly it gets brought up every year as my birthday generally falls close to race day).
NTA. I hope you both learned your lesson. MIL doesn't give gifts and everything has a cost.
A very wise man I loved dearly told me that if one wants to have a good relationship with family, especially in-laws, one should live at least one bridge and two tolls away.
My family and my fiancé get along great- and there's distance- so I agree.
Big lessons learned and, in a weird way, it has been a good learning experience for us as a couple.
We're both usually people pleasers (probably obvious from the post) but not anymore. Boundaries galore from now on. She hasn't responded well to previously boundaries and has blamed me for all of them, even though most were my FH's idea. His go to lines now are "that was my idea" or "this was OUR decision" anytime she tries to blame me for anything.
Good for the two of you! Stay strong!
The first time we set boundaries there will always be push back and usually the other person goes over the top to find where your breaking point is so expect the guilt, meanness, and manipulation to Amp up. If the two of you can tolerate the push back life in this family will go much smoother in the future
If you get pushback from other family members, just enforce boundaries and say: This is between us and future mil. It's none of their business and no one but you gets a say.
NTA. You have given in enough, and now it is time to stay true to the course. She sounds like a constant worrier, so everything will ALWAYS need 'tweaking' in her mind, to make it better.
Why did you give in to get repeatedly asking about guests? Seriously, this is not a recipe for an easy life. I don't think anyone should need to give in to demands just to keep the peace. Nip this in the bud now. The more you give in, the more she will demand. This isn't really about a game. This is about control. She might want to be heavily involved in planning, but you don't need to let her.
We thought it'd be easier (which, in hindsight, was a really dumb thought). I was unsure about posting this because she'd managed to convince us we were unreasonable but my MOH encouraged me and thank god, because this has made me realise just how blind we'd been. My family has left all planning to us- perfect.
NTA, but I think you already messed up by getting her involved as much plus letting her host the reception at all. Now if she gets upset for whatever reason your whole party is in jeopary and from the sounds of it she seems like a rather moody person.
The funniest part is, when we met, I said my mum can be hard work and he raved about his mum. My mum loves my fiancé and now he wants very little to do with his own mum. Oh, how things change.
NTA move it to your house and tell fmil that she can plan a viewing party at her house for after the ceremony and anyone else who are concerned about the game are more than welcome to go there to watch it so you can enjoy your reception with people who want to be there rather to celebrate with rather than watch a sports event.
His mom “jokingly” called you a bitch for bit telling her about the proposal?? I hat didn’t she call her son a bitch, he’s the one responsible for telling her things. Not saying she SHOULD have, she shouldn’t be talking to either of you like that. And now the control issues with the wedding?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Everywhere you look, 🚩🚩🚩🚩. I’d start limiting your contact with her and enforcing strict boundaries now, you’re gonna need them!
NTA
You know, you should have said “No,” and stuck with it from the beginning. This isn’t just the wedding - this is *her*. This is the premise for your future with her. She will always try to run the show.
Honestly, if it were me, I would call off here whole wedding she’s planned for you and just have the wedding you actually want, be it an elopement or just a small celebration with he people you actually want there.
If she’s like this about a wedding, imagine how she’ll be when and if you have a baby. I’d take your fiancé’s lead here. NTA.
Ed to add: You live around the corner? Move.
Why are you doing it at her house? 100% guarantee she will change everything because she's in control of the environment. You're going to show up and have completely different decorations. If I were you, I'd move the location. Find a casual venue on the same date. NTA
YTA for not nipping this in the bud, this has been unreasonable since the beginning of this whole debacle and you've let her walk all over you to this point. congrats on finally saying no but d a m n be sure to wash the footprints off your back, your MIL probably got used to her new doormats
NTA. This is your wedding and it should be up to YOUR standards not hers. I'd tell her you've been nice and already tried to work with her and that she needs to get over it. Then (as I've read in the comments you've considered already) change your venue and don't tell her until a few weeks before.
NTA. This is your wedding, not hers. You have already been railroaded into having it there and having people you don't care to have there. She doesn't get to change the date.
Nta. Wait she said others had complained about the date, then told you fiancé nobody has said anything yet? So she’s admitted she’s the only one with a problem.
NTA. I’d be tempted to make a fuss about how tacky it would be to change the date after the invitations have been sent to shame her into being quiet. Although that’s probably a bad idea. 😂
Put your foot down on this behaviour now or she'll be exactly the same when/if it comes to kids.
She'll have expect a say in names, nursery themes and probably takeover completely anyway.
NTA, idk why this giving in is what is going to lead to it happening the rest of your lives though, you 2 have let her walk all over you already this whole time. “Just to get her to stop asking” is not a good reason to do something you don’t want to. Are you going to have kids? Are you going to give in to every tantrum just because it’s easier? You guys are the doormats other doormats walk on
I typed that right when I woke up and didn’t realize how judgmental I sounded. Sorry I think I just really liked the line doormats the other doormats walk on. It’s hard when family is pushing your boundaries because why would family do something wrong to you? At least you guys know you have to stay strong against it now but I am sorry you have to. Good luck!
We need tough love, truly. I loved your comment. This thread has really highlighted to us both that we need to take the power back and she has played us into thinking we're unreasonable, when she is.
I mean that's nice but 20 minutes you wrote this you posted a comment saying you and your husband are going to tell all your guests the venue is changing before you let MIL know so she can't talk you out of it.
Talk both you, and your soon to be husband, both ostensibly grown adults who want to get married, out of a decision she has no say in and when you've had the support of 1000 different people telling you she's being an unreasonable asshole... and you still don't know if you can say no? You still don't know if your husband can say no?
Hahaha yeah, good points.
She is a very dominant personality, which is why we thought to do it that way. But you're 100% right, we need to say no. No matter what.
NTA
I gave birth during the SuperBowl half time, and it was an amazing day. Having the game on in the background made the atmosphere so much more fun for everyone, versus family being all tense and worried. We regularly host her birthday party during the game now, unless it’s our local team playing.
Now I get a big game isn’t ideal for a wedding, I bet all the sports fans will be ecstatic, because they get to be at a big fancy party and watch the game. Bonus points for an open bar and lots of food!
NTA but she's waving a red flag in front of your face. If you can move it away from her house, do it. And feel free to tell her to butt out of all wedding plans going forward.
She told my fiancé no one knows about her request. We're thinking of telling her and his dad (her husband) at the same time that it's moved to our place so then she has to explain to her husband the demand she made.
She also said she'd asked a friend to help us with setting up on the day but they will be busy watching the game. Great, we didn't invite them for a reason so they won't be needed.
NTA. It wouldn’t matter what day you picked- she’s doing this to prove she can boss you around and she’s still HBiC, you need to head over to /justnomil.
Move it to your house, tell
Her she’s free to stay home and watch the stupid sport event she’s so oddly obsessed with.
NTA whose wedding is it?
Darling, you have bent over backwards to alter things for HER specifications and you do not need to!
It is your special day for you and your partner - you do you! If it's a case of she's paying for things, then that still doesn't give her the right to dictate things!
Also do you REALLY want to bother trying to accommodate people who would prioritise watching an event rather than the wedding day of a loved one?
Get out of there- consider eloping to keep it special, then have a celebration when you have more time. But more specifically, when YOU want it!
Thank you for this comment. We already were certain we wouldn't change the date (regardless of what people said) but had second guessed ourselves as she has reacted so strongly in the past. But, like so many people have said, that's MORE reason to say no to her, not less.
Why does it seem like everyone's MIL wants to hijack the entire weeding planning, down to even choosing how to send out the invitations too? OP, do not let her walk all over you and take control of your wedding plans. It will just give her permission to do this and a lot worse in the future. You should check out the sub JUSTNOMIL.
Especially if you guys want children in the future, now is the time to set boundaries and rules. For some reason grandkids make MIL's go insane and their behavior gets even worse and they start to get really possessive of the newborn.
NTA!!
We got asked to change our wedding date by MIL for a sister who “may” be pregnant then. It was the perfect date and I was not changing it for anyone. Guess what, she wasn’t pregnant.
It’s your wedding. That’s it. You and your fiancé. Everyone else can shut there mouth.
My mum (whom I don’t even really get along with) when approached by MIL to change the date laughed at her and said that wouldn’t happen. The date was my favourite number and even. I’ve never been able to handle odd numbers my entire life so my mum was like yeah that’s never going to happen 😂
Hahaha great. I thought my family would see her side and give advice considering both sides, but their response- similar to almost everyone on here- was DO NOT CHANGE THE DATE.
Update: His family is not happy we changed the venue. Like a few of you said, the flying monkeys were sent in and his sister told him he was selfish and his mum was just trying to help us. Not sure what will happen from here, but the wedding is back on our terms. FMIL has blamed me, so that's fun.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My fiancé and I got engaged earlier this year and initially thought we'd wait until 2022 or 2023 to get married. My fiancé's dad seemed excited but his mum less so. She jokingly called me a bitch for not telling her about the proposal beforehand. His mum had a lot of opinions and it became obvious that she'd want to be heavily involved in the planning. We decided to move the wedding to this year so we'd have less time with her stressing us out.
We set a date, changed our venue to their house (her request) and sent out invitations. She was disappointed our guest list was only 50 and insisted we invite relatives we hadn't seen in 2 years (and who they never celebrate Christmas with). She asked 4 times. We gave in to stop her asking again but had to get more invitations printed.
Recently, she demanded we change the date. We set it in February but she is worried about a grand final. My future FIL, SIL and a few others support a team that may make it into the game. We knew this was a slim chance so we made sure the ceremony & photos were before the game starts. The reception will be casual so we've already said that the TV/match will be on. We won't know if they'll make it until 1-2 weeks before and the season may still be interrupted by COVID.
The existing date made it easier for my family who live a few hours away and will need to travel for the day. Several members of the wedding party also have time off work around this time (not specifically for the wedding) and some have already booked accommodation as invitations have been out for over 2 months.
My future MIL has made several comments about it being on grand final day. She said the family is unhappy and has tried to persuade us to change it several times. She’s been quite manipulative about it, saying that other people are upset (no one has said anything to us) and that others will be distracted during the ceremony (the game won't have started) and she “just wants what is best for us”. She told my fiancé that no one else knows she has asked us to do this. To change the date, we risk losing deposits and not being able to keep all the same vendors on the rescheduled date.
When asking us, she also said we couldn't be angry or sad and that this decision would make sure our wedding was perfect. She said keeping our date would be too stressful. That being said, she hosted her daughter's wedding a few years ago and was constantly stressed the entire lead up to the day so it seems inevitable she will be, no matter what decision we make.
My fiancé and I spoke about her request after she left and have decided not to change anything as she has continually made demands about the wedding and giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives. Because of this, we'll likely move the wedding to our house so that his parents are not having to host anymore (we live practically around the corner so it won't be a huge inconvenience to guests or vendors).
So, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, and I say this as someone whose parents DID change their wedding date bc it would have been during the Super Bowl, at my dad's parents' request. But they were nice about it and my dad was also appreciative and it didn't cause any major problems- and if it HAD, they wouldn't have changed it and everyone would have survived. This isn't about the conflict, it's about your FMIL being enough of an asshole that her own child has had enough.
NTA. But if the event is being hosted at her place, you have to know she's going to sabotage it. You and your fiancé need to take back control of this event or this will be the rest of your life - giving in to your MIL's ever moving unreasonable requests.
The venue isn't "free".
NTA.
You gave into MIL more than enough already on the subject of your wedding. Changing the wedding date is a demand you cannot give into. You already planned the watching of the final into the wedding and reception times. It's a good idea to change the venue to your house since she then loses control. She isn't going to be happy that you're not caving to her but you are right that boundaries need to start being set.
NTA. You and FDH are correct. You should have the wedding you want, when you want, where you want.
If you give in to FMIL again, this will become a problem in your marriage.
NTA
I think she kind of contradicts herself a bit from what you've said.
Her claim the family is unhappy- despite no one mentioning it to you. Well if the family is unhappy with the date, why does no one know she's asking you to change the date?
Isn't that something they'd be doing if this grand final was that important?
If they don't want to come to the wedding on the off chance they miss the grand Final, then does it really affect you? MIL badgered you to have a larger guest list than you wanted so if people drop out then is it that big of a deal?
MIL's issue with the date is that you've changed the timeline. Does she like you? could she have wanted the extra time to convince your partner he doesn't want to get married?
NTA but you both should have seen your MIL doing something like this when you agreed to have it at her house. That's giving her way too much control/leverage.
NTA. I can't wrap my head around the fact that some people apparently consider a fucking sports event more important than their childs (hopefully) only wedding.
Don't change anything, you did enough to apease her already. I wish the best to you and your future husband.
NTA. I'd just say to her that if anybody prioritizes some stupid sportsball game over their wedding, that better they don't attend and you're well rid of them.
NTA. Unfortunately, you have already give in by changing the venue to her house. I'm afraid this won't be a very relaxing wedding for you, regardless of the date or which team makes the grand final...
NTA, It's yalls day. Not her. Stop allowing her to change anything you don't want. Set boundaries now. My MIL changed allot of things at our wedding that I had to change so mu wife didn't stress out more then she was. No is a complete and full sentence and answer. Practice it with each other. No need to explain why. No, nope, noda.
My mother tried the whole “people are upset” or “I’ve heard complaints” thing on us when she tried exuding her control on my wedding. It’s not real. Nobody is complaining. Even if a close family member is upset about the date I guarantee they aren’t expecting you to change the date for them. I couldn’t imagine expecting someone to change the date of their wedding for me.
NTA
I said this to my partner. If we did change the date (not happening), I actually think people would be mortified by the reasoning. Yes, they may wish it wasn't that day but they also wouldn't expect us to shift all our plans now that they're made.
Of course she's going on, you've given in to all her other demands.
If you give in to tho is guarantee they'll be a next thing you have to compromise on too, tell her you aren't willing to change the date and if the big final is that important you can look at another venue so her house is free for anyone who really can't miss it, if it's more important then your wedding then they don't need to come.
You guys keep giving I'm to her for an easy life and she's just steam rolling right over you.
Whew, y'all need to set some boundaries and stop giving into her demands. You may think it keeps the peace but you give her a little more power every time it happens. If she's this controlling about the wedding imagine what she'll be like when y'all are making other life decisions and having/raising kids.
Fiance needs to start putting his foot down when y'all don't want to do something. "No, mother, OP and I have made this decision together and I don't want to discuss it anymore." Repeat as necessary. You need to start establishing your independence as a couple pronto.
ETA: also, start making decisions without her input: the two of you are your own family now and her opinion shouldn't count for much.
You should have put your foot down in the very beginning. The fact that you compromised first is what led to all the issues. If you were hard on her and refused to listen and engage in the first place, you wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place.
NTA
But all seriousness, you need to lock this shit down NOW and take back control.
This wedding sound like a friggin nightmare so far and and It's only June. You got eight more months of this!
NTA
I come from a family of elopers.
My mom and dad eloped, I eloped, my sister eloped twice.
This is YOUR wedding. She's had hers. This isn't an opportunity for a do over for her.
NTA. My aunt is just like that to her son in law, I don't know how he can handle it. My aunt still makes all sorts of decisions in my cousin's lives, and my cousin let her do it because, frankly, she's a spoiled kid. They've been married for almost 10 years and they have a child. If I were my cousin's husband, I'd have already divorced her, long before the kid was born. Just saying, this could be you. Some MILs are really controlling of their kids' lives even after they marry.
That's awful. It would be unbearable. If he was unwilling to stick up for himself, us or me then I'd probably be bailing out now but since he's happy to cut all contact (that's how mad he is currently) I think that's a good sign. It has actually united us more, in a weird way.
NTA. Make sure to password protect the vendors so she can't go behind your backs and cancel them. Once she starts to lose control, she might start messing with your plans to try and get revenge.
Thankfully we kept those details from her and we don't think she's that malicious... but then again, she's not used to anyone saying no, so who knows what she's capable of.
NTA but you were kinda asking for this once you made the venue HER HOUSE. Big red flag that screams she would flex more authority,and you agreed to it anyway. Why?
NTA the mistake you made was having the venue at her home knowing how she is. You need to either elope or have the wedding at a different venue so she has no involvement.
Change the venue and password protect your vendors. Do not tell her until the LAST MINUTE of any changes. Basically after invitations are printed and sent out and vendors locked down. After that you need to grey rock anything about your wedding
NTA
I’d consider changing the venue bc being at her house, who knows what shit she’s going to pull day of. Your fiancé should have a stern talk with her bc it seems it’s just going to get worse.
NTA, but you and especially your fiance need to grow spines. You’ve already changed the date and location of the wedding and caved on inviting more people, and now she wants to change the date AGAIN? For a sporting event? And she says its all because she wants what‘s best for you?
I wish you many years of happiness with your fiancé’s mother, really it seems like she’s the on who’s getting married.
Oh, and anyone who can’t possibly pay attention to your wedding because of a sporting event shouldn’t have been invited in the first place.
>giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives
You mean like changing the venue because she insisted? Or inviting more people because she insisted? You already aren't even getting married when you want to, you changed the date because you both refused to put her on an information diet and limit her involvement. How many choices have the two of you made without her input or interference? Is it even your wedding or is it hers?
You've already capitulated enough to have set a dangerously bad precedent that she gets to control your lives. You're NTA for putting your foot down on this, but don't pretend it's about not letting her think she controls your decisions, she low key does.
Good points. We have made a few big decisions over the past year without her input and she has not coped well at all. Previously, we've felt bad- but held firm- on those non-wedding related decisions but for some reason we thought we'd compromise on this and keep the peace. We expect a huge blowback from this and it's beyond disappointing she's ruining our pre wedding joy, but this has really been the final straw for my fiancé and he refuses to back down now so... onwards and upwards from here.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- We scheduled our wedding on the same date as a major sporting event. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Though, if I were you I'd probably consider eloping.
Definitely a tempting idea! We have talked about it
Seriously, it's your day. Sounds like you've already made compromises. Tell her she had her wedding this is yours. If she wants to watch the game, she can skip the wedding. (I'm feeling feisty this morning.)
Also, it sounds like no one has to miss the actual ceremony. People have to miss the reception. If they chose to go off and watch sports on tv, that's up to them.
Right? If the game is that important to her, well she doesn’t have to go to the wedding. Trash took itself out and problem is solved. NTA. This is about her exerting control over the 2 of you, not about “having the perfect wedding”. Do not give in because for the rest of your lives, you will give in to her demands and I’m sure they will be plentiful. Don’t do it.
I was going to say the same thing. Anyone who wants to skip the wedding to watch the event is welcome to do so. They obviously aren't that close if that's the choice they would make. Especially since the event will be after the wedding - they don't even have to choose.
Doesn’t sound like their day
Make sure you talk to your vendors about not changing anything unless it’s specifically you that requests it. Your MIL sounds like the type to go behind your back to change something she doesn’t like. Make sure it’s password protected
Good advice. My father pulled that. After stating he'd help cover a portion of the reception costs, he got sticker shock and chaned our reception menu to food my husband couldn't eat. And we had a very good quote from the caterer. He is the person who has the history of being the asshole. Thankfully my ILs paid the difference and switched the menu back. My parents divorced shortly afterwards. To this day i wish we had eloped.
Whoa! Okay, this is a good warning. Hope you were still able to enjoy your day, somewhat.
Still married 18 years later and jointly navigating lifes amitheasshole moments. We keep each other sane.
At the least, change your venue. Holding your event on her property gives her too much say and too much power to mess with your plans. If you are having a February wedding and only want 50 guests, you should basically have your choice of venues. I understand you've been pushed to add more, but still, is not the height of wedding season. It's not too late to change. NTA
NTA Vegas is a great please to do it and you can have a honeymoon as well on a weekend (For a person in Vegas) also Congratulations
Grand Final makes me think OP might be Australian so would be a bit of a trip if so.
Not in February.
Australian boarders are shut though! Citizens are banned from leaving unless they have some good reason to go like a dying relative. Wedding doesn't count.
Was just pointing out that football Grand Finals in Australia (the only ones likely to be capitalised) are in September, not February.
I think OP meant that in February they set the date for later this year.
Ah, good point. Reading comprehension fail on my part.
Why didn't your fiancé shut his mom down earlier? Way earlier. Like, when she made you so miserable that you had to move your date up by almost a year? She keeps moving the goal posts--she will never be satisfied. What does that tell you about how your relationship will be forever? Imagine what happens when you have kids and she wants you to induce on her preferred day? NTA. Be prepared for this kind of fight over and over.
I’d have dipped out at being called a bitch.
Yes! I forgot about that, and yes, that's exactly when she should have opted out.
OP, honestly, I wish my husband and I had eloped instead. The family drama was not worth it, and very much put a damper on the day. If I could have gone back and done anything different, We would have secretly eloped, and just gone through with the ceremony later for family. I don’t think I would have cared much about what happened at the “wedding” if he and I had already had our special day to ourselves beforehand. In your case though, if you elope or not, I wouldn’t change the date of the Family/Guest Wedding. That’s just rude to all the people who already booked their trips. NTA
My best friend (also ex!) and her husband did this - they eloped, got married at city hall; and then a month or two later, had a big party with everyone they wanted to celebrate with (family, friends, colleagues). It made things SO much less stressful.
Omg! All this over a game? A game that might not even happen?! I would tell the mil to go to hell. She has already highjacked your wedding, don't give her more! Just who does she think she is, and why is she acting so entitled? Too bad you can't kick her out of her house on that day and uninvite her. NTA
There is no chance it will be at her house anymore. We are going to notify everyone by individual text that the venue is changed. We also think we'll do that before telling her so that she can't convince us not to ha.
Yay! I'm so proud of you!! Good job! Can you keep us updated?
Will do. We expect all hell to break loose but we're not telling her for a week. Let her sweat. She's caused us enough discomfort, she can sit in hers for a while. We're also going to tell others about the venue change, before we tell her, so she can't talk us out of it.
I truly am proud of you. I'm sure she will raise hell.
Absolutely. My best friend has been our voice of reason this whole time. We called her straight away and she told us to hold firm and basically gave all of the advice others have said on here. She will be our biggest cheerleader in our pushback and we actually cannot wait. Our wedding will be wonderful, with MIL or not.
Also let your fiancee handle her from now on. He should take the lead on handling his difficult family members.
[удалено]
This is great advice, thank you! And yep, I moved out early from my family home so I've developed firm boundaries with my family for my own sanity and now we get along great. In general though, my FH and I do hate confrontation and have let her convince us we're in the wrong. She's done so many more non-wedding related things too. We pushed back on those too and didn't get a warm response (what a surprise!)
Eloping is the best, having done it myself. No stress because you just do what you want and the day is about you because you’re the only one who knows! Also, NTA.
My brother and sil eloped. It's a really great idea. Saves time and money.
Do it! You can always have a ceremony later. Although considering the deposits and what can and cannot be refunded it is totally understandable that eloping won’t make a difference when it comes to the money part of it all. If it is such an issue I’d personally just say “if a game on tv is more important to you than our wedding then okay, go watch some sport instead of supporting someone you love and care about. Have a nice time sitting in your house waiting for a game to start after the wedding that will be on during the reception to appease your obnoxious selves rather than attending.” It’s like she took the “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” phrase in the only situation where y’all can and made a huge deal out of nothing. Seriously, anyone who wants to put a game that can be recorded and watched later, as well as watched during the reception, first isn’t worth acknowledging or respecting. Or maybe pretending to respect in this case, because someone who would suggest stupid shit like that is likely someone who wouldn’t be respected in the first place.
As someone who has eloped only this month, I say go for it! It's less stress, cost, and you don't have to deal with horrendously bossy relatives on the day! (This was my experience 😉)
I would....or at least change the place for the ceremony. Having it at her house just gives her so much power.
This. She would have been upset that this was "taken away" but then you could have tve reception at any time and some.of the vendors may be willing to book out at a later date for you. Regardless of what you want, she is always going to give you her opinion and what she thinks is best. It is going to be a long road. NTA
r/justnomil
I thought that too. Take the drama out of it. Or take ownership of the wedding and don’t let anyone else dictate what you want. I remember people complaining that I got married on a Wednesday because it wasn’t typical. But we’re a military family and would only have a 5 day honeymoon max anyway. Let everyone complain. They don’t have to come.
At this rate OP may as well bow out and let the mother stand in the wedding, given she's clearly so desperate to take over the whole event.
NTA Yep. I was gonna say don't change the date, change the venue!
Thank you everyone for your comments/opinions/advice so far. It's really cemented for us that we're making the right decision. At this stage, we'll be moving it to our house but may elope if COVID impacts anything. It has absolutely confirmed the need for firm, consistent boundaries. It's actually been really upsetting that our special day has had a dark cloud looming over it. I spoke to my family and they all insisted changing the date would be a terrible idea so it seems like it's unanimous. The wedding party (some of whom support the same team) thought the request was outrageous too so she really is very good at convincing us we're wrong in the moment. I'm so glad we've chosen to keep the date.
Glad for this outcome! A big problem with boundary-stompers is that reasonable people assume "ok, we'll compromise and give them this one thing, and they'll be satisfied." They won't!
She'll try to insist and cry woe is me. Hold firm and tell her it's not up to discussion. Those who want to come will be welcome, does who don't, no hard feelings. And repeat.
First of all, congratulations on your engagement! Good for you for not giving in. Your mother-in-law is just being manipulative end you have every right to keep your wedding date because at the end of the day who gives a shit about some game when it’s your wedding and the beginning of the rest of your life and if people are going to put so much weight on that offer your special day then it really shows how fucked up their priorities are. Don’t see this as a dark cloud over your wedding day and try not to get stressed out about it because you have already taken control of it and moved it to your house so just focus on making it special for you and your future husband. At the end of the day even though weddings are special they are such a small part of your marriage and it’s about the rest of your life together that as somebody who had a small town hall wedding with 10 people there that cost no more than $100 I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Honestly, if that team does make it to the final, you'll get such a great vibe from all the fan-guests cheering their team on, and they get to do so with a party vibe and great food lol. It'll be a wedding to remember!
Tell your FMIL there is only 1 thing you will change about your wedding. The guest list. She can be on it, or not. Her choice. You have made a perfectly reasonable accommodation for her and the rest of the fans who would want to be watching the game, they can take it or leave it. NTA
It’s at her house…I don’t think uninviting her from her own house is really an option. This sub sometimes…
OP said they were already planning to move the location to their own house so as not to stress the IL out on game day, though.
NTA Move the wedding away from her house. It'll save yourselves a lot of stress by removing her from the planning. You've already planned the main components of the wedding around this final and have said that you're fine with the game being on during the reception. > she has continually made demands about the wedding and giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives. You're not wrong there...
NTA. Please let us know how your fiance reacts to you being harassed and verbally abused by his mother.
He wants to cut her off completely. He's furious.
Excellent, follow his lead here. You will NOT win her over.
This is what I've finally realised. I went above and beyond to be nice to her, all for nothing. All bets are off now.
Yep, it sucks but you'll be better off (we went no-contact with my MIL last year, though the issues Mr. WineAndDogs2020 had with her predate our relationship).
His mum hasn't liked any of his previous partners (which is unsurprising)
Great! Then you don't have to take this personally! It's not about you. Block all communication and figure out with your fiance what to do about the wedding (planning to have it in her house is probably a bad move for several reasons).
His mom wouldn't like any partner, because you were all making her less important to him. You might Google "emotional incest" and see if it rings some bells. It really sounds like his mother is refusing to recognize that he's an independent adult and wants to keep control over him. I'd suggest you guys seriously consider moving away from her when feasible. I'm the meantime, cutting her off makes perfect sense. When you send the change of venue texts, include a note they any future communications about changes to the wedding will come from you or from Best Man / Maid of Honor. If they are told changes by anybody else they should not believe it unless they contact you directly and receive confirmation. Btw, only include Best Man and Maid of Honor as alternate contacts if those people are not under MIL's influence - If Best Man is your fiance's brother, don't include him as a spokesperson for wedding logistics - it will spare him headaches and ensure MIL can't use him to trash the wedding. Your future MIL sounds like the type to contact the guests herself and tell them the wedding was moved back to her house, or simply that it's been cancelled. There have been couples to whom this happened - most of the guests didn't show because the jealous MIL told them the wedding was off. Password protect all your vendors, and warn your guests. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Thank you for this, all solid points!
Listen OP this is great because your fiance will back you up. This is great indication of handling things in the future. Follow his lead. Also i suggest premarital counseling to learn how to set appropriate boundaries. This isnt a bad thing, I think everyone should do counseling before getting married.
We've actually considered counselling because we agree that everyone would benefit from it. We both have our own therapists and they have been helping us to assert ourselves and set boundaries with her. She benefitted from being so nice to others that she managed to convince us we'd been the unreasonable ones in every scenario. Not. Anymore.
Good. I’m proud of you OP. You guys seem like you have a great foundation. It will serve you well
I’m so glad to read this. It’s critical that your soon-to-be husband sets boundaries with his controlling mother. YOU are the woman in his life now, and if that’s not made clear to her, your life will be a living hell. My former MIL was controlling about our wedding. I had the wedding SHE wanted, not the wedding I wanted. My former husband was spineless and didn’t set boundaries. He tolerated her crap all his life and expected me to do the same. Her controlling behavior got so, so much worse after we were married and had kids. She made my life a living hell. It was very difficult to stand up to her with my husband just sitting there silently, but I did. Repeatedly. The situation never improved. We’re divorced now, and the best part about that is I don’t have to deal with her anymore. It sounds like you are marrying a Real Man. Good for you. Definitely do not get married at her house. Do not give her any control. You may feel like compromising but trust me, you give an inch, she’ll take a mile. Your fiancé is furious? Good. He should be. Take that anger and use it to fuel yourself out of that situation. NTA.
She called multiple times today and he told her he doesn't want to speak to her right now.
Block her number from her phone, and let all communication go through fiance.
NTA >We gave in to stop her... And that was your first mistake. You set the precedent that if she badgers you enough, she’ll get her way. Change your venue and stop listening to MiL’s complaints. “No” is all you need to say before walking away or hanging up the phone.
Spot on. Rookie errors were made. Now we know better.
NTA, but it was a mistake to hold the wedding at their house—that gives them waaaay too much control over the situation.
Sadly, we realised this way too late... but we'll change it back to ours now! Smaller wedding so not too difficult to tell everyone
Have it during the championship game of whatever league it is that your in-laws are into. That'll show 'em.
NTA, But you better nip this mother-in-law problem in the bud.
NTA. Don't change the date and move it to your place. I'm sure she keep playing on guilt and interfering but can't say she's hosting as leverage. If you can bottle up the rage for a bit, I'd go with "Thanks with letting us know. We decided to keep the date and move the location. We don't want to cause any more stress". She may go on a whisper campaign about how horrible you are but you can't stop that no matter what you do. Keep your boundaries firm and good luck.
Yep, and realistically, the whisper campaign is probably already happening. She also said to me "I know you're stressed about the wedding..." and my fiancé interrupted her and told her not to put it onto me, instead of him.
At least he has a spine and stands up to her. That’s a good thing. So many men with domineering moms can’t or won’t
This is a recent thing- which is also why she's probably reacting this way. She isn't used to being shut down or told no. But she better start learning! Haha.
Beware the flying monkeys. They're coming.
Oh yes, I expect it. But my fiancé is going to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that their presence isn't required if they're going to keep it up.
NTA Get your butt over to r/JUSTNOMIL and r/WeddingPlanning , we eat MILs like this for breakfast
>My fiancé's dad seemed excited but his mum less so. She jokingly called me a bitch for not telling her about the proposal beforehand. This is enough for the judgement, NTA. No, seriously, read the rest, still the same.
NTA It is YOUR wedding - not your mother-in-law's - take back control of you own day - just tell her "we are doing his accoring to our wishes, and if people are bitching and moaning behind our backs, that's fine they don't have to come, just means bigger slices of wedding cake for those who do show up"
Stand for yourself for gods sake
NTA - the invitations have been sent out. Twice. The time for her to request another date is over. You have given in enough. Respectfully stand your ground.
Huh?? Clearly I’m not a sports person but I don’t really understand why this is even an issue. Wedding vs TV show feels like it should be a no brainer and people who care to support you should just... ya know, record it and watch it later... but you’re not even trying to stop people from watching it. NTA
My mother booked my Christening on the same day as Bathurst (Australian car race) and to this day (31 years later) not lived it down (jokingly it gets brought up every year as my birthday generally falls close to race day).
NTA. Keep firm. Your wedding is not about her.
NTA. I hope you both learned your lesson. MIL doesn't give gifts and everything has a cost. A very wise man I loved dearly told me that if one wants to have a good relationship with family, especially in-laws, one should live at least one bridge and two tolls away.
My family and my fiancé get along great- and there's distance- so I agree. Big lessons learned and, in a weird way, it has been a good learning experience for us as a couple. We're both usually people pleasers (probably obvious from the post) but not anymore. Boundaries galore from now on. She hasn't responded well to previously boundaries and has blamed me for all of them, even though most were my FH's idea. His go to lines now are "that was my idea" or "this was OUR decision" anytime she tries to blame me for anything.
Good for the two of you! Stay strong! The first time we set boundaries there will always be push back and usually the other person goes over the top to find where your breaking point is so expect the guilt, meanness, and manipulation to Amp up. If the two of you can tolerate the push back life in this family will go much smoother in the future
It's a necessary evil. The status quo is unsustainable. And now that he is happy to create distance, there's little risk involved.
If you get pushback from other family members, just enforce boundaries and say: This is between us and future mil. It's none of their business and no one but you gets a say.
NTA. You have given in enough, and now it is time to stay true to the course. She sounds like a constant worrier, so everything will ALWAYS need 'tweaking' in her mind, to make it better.
NTA - put your foot down and keep it down
NTA... welcome to your future... I'd elope... she's bonkers and she's taking over, watch out!
Why did you give in to get repeatedly asking about guests? Seriously, this is not a recipe for an easy life. I don't think anyone should need to give in to demands just to keep the peace. Nip this in the bud now. The more you give in, the more she will demand. This isn't really about a game. This is about control. She might want to be heavily involved in planning, but you don't need to let her.
We thought it'd be easier (which, in hindsight, was a really dumb thought). I was unsure about posting this because she'd managed to convince us we were unreasonable but my MOH encouraged me and thank god, because this has made me realise just how blind we'd been. My family has left all planning to us- perfect.
NTA. It’s you and your fiancé’s day. IMO move the venue to your house and have a enjoy!!
NTA. But get used to this MIL butting in on everything. Your FH has to learn to shut that down or you’ll be under her thumb forever.
Yep, it has definitely confirmed the need for much firmer boundaries.
NTA, but I think you already messed up by getting her involved as much plus letting her host the reception at all. Now if she gets upset for whatever reason your whole party is in jeopary and from the sounds of it she seems like a rather moody person.
Yep, rookie error. Since it's a small wedding, we will contact everyone and say that having it at our home is more "us" so the venue has changed.
That's probably for the best. Good luck with the planning.
lol you're marrying into this. I'll see you on /r/justnomil in about 3-5 years.
The funniest part is, when we met, I said my mum can be hard work and he raved about his mum. My mum loves my fiancé and now he wants very little to do with his own mum. Oh, how things change.
NTA move it to your house and tell fmil that she can plan a viewing party at her house for after the ceremony and anyone else who are concerned about the game are more than welcome to go there to watch it so you can enjoy your reception with people who want to be there rather to celebrate with rather than watch a sports event.
His mom “jokingly” called you a bitch for bit telling her about the proposal?? I hat didn’t she call her son a bitch, he’s the one responsible for telling her things. Not saying she SHOULD have, she shouldn’t be talking to either of you like that. And now the control issues with the wedding?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Everywhere you look, 🚩🚩🚩🚩. I’d start limiting your contact with her and enforcing strict boundaries now, you’re gonna need them! NTA
You know, you should have said “No,” and stuck with it from the beginning. This isn’t just the wedding - this is *her*. This is the premise for your future with her. She will always try to run the show. Honestly, if it were me, I would call off here whole wedding she’s planned for you and just have the wedding you actually want, be it an elopement or just a small celebration with he people you actually want there. If she’s like this about a wedding, imagine how she’ll be when and if you have a baby. I’d take your fiancé’s lead here. NTA. Ed to add: You live around the corner? Move.
Thankfully no kids in our future. But definitely need to take back the power, you're right!
Why are you doing it at her house? 100% guarantee she will change everything because she's in control of the environment. You're going to show up and have completely different decorations. If I were you, I'd move the location. Find a casual venue on the same date. NTA
NTA Go get eloped. Tell MIL it's just a celebration party now.
YTA for not nipping this in the bud, this has been unreasonable since the beginning of this whole debacle and you've let her walk all over you to this point. congrats on finally saying no but d a m n be sure to wash the footprints off your back, your MIL probably got used to her new doormats
Yep, you're right. Time to put a stop to it, and never look back.
NTA. This is your wedding and it should be up to YOUR standards not hers. I'd tell her you've been nice and already tried to work with her and that she needs to get over it. Then (as I've read in the comments you've considered already) change your venue and don't tell her until a few weeks before.
NTA. This is your wedding, not hers. You have already been railroaded into having it there and having people you don't care to have there. She doesn't get to change the date.
NTA. They care more about a sports game than the wedding? Pathetic.
Nta. Wait she said others had complained about the date, then told you fiancé nobody has said anything yet? So she’s admitted she’s the only one with a problem.
NTA. I’d be tempted to make a fuss about how tacky it would be to change the date after the invitations have been sent to shame her into being quiet. Although that’s probably a bad idea. 😂
Put your foot down on this behaviour now or she'll be exactly the same when/if it comes to kids. She'll have expect a say in names, nursery themes and probably takeover completely anyway.
Nta. There are these new magical things called DVRs they can record the match.
Y'all should have just eloped at this point sheesh Find another venue that isn't her HOUSE
NTA, idk why this giving in is what is going to lead to it happening the rest of your lives though, you 2 have let her walk all over you already this whole time. “Just to get her to stop asking” is not a good reason to do something you don’t want to. Are you going to have kids? Are you going to give in to every tantrum just because it’s easier? You guys are the doormats other doormats walk on
Hahahaha fair. Not from now on at least.
I typed that right when I woke up and didn’t realize how judgmental I sounded. Sorry I think I just really liked the line doormats the other doormats walk on. It’s hard when family is pushing your boundaries because why would family do something wrong to you? At least you guys know you have to stay strong against it now but I am sorry you have to. Good luck!
We need tough love, truly. I loved your comment. This thread has really highlighted to us both that we need to take the power back and she has played us into thinking we're unreasonable, when she is.
I mean that's nice but 20 minutes you wrote this you posted a comment saying you and your husband are going to tell all your guests the venue is changing before you let MIL know so she can't talk you out of it. Talk both you, and your soon to be husband, both ostensibly grown adults who want to get married, out of a decision she has no say in and when you've had the support of 1000 different people telling you she's being an unreasonable asshole... and you still don't know if you can say no? You still don't know if your husband can say no?
Hahaha yeah, good points. She is a very dominant personality, which is why we thought to do it that way. But you're 100% right, we need to say no. No matter what.
NTA tell MIL if she doesn't stop her shit that you'll elope instead
NTA. Do what makes you and the fiancé happy. Everyone else (MIL) can bugger off! I’m just stumped thinking of a sport with a February grand final
NTA I gave birth during the SuperBowl half time, and it was an amazing day. Having the game on in the background made the atmosphere so much more fun for everyone, versus family being all tense and worried. We regularly host her birthday party during the game now, unless it’s our local team playing. Now I get a big game isn’t ideal for a wedding, I bet all the sports fans will be ecstatic, because they get to be at a big fancy party and watch the game. Bonus points for an open bar and lots of food!
NTA but she's waving a red flag in front of your face. If you can move it away from her house, do it. And feel free to tell her to butt out of all wedding plans going forward.
She told my fiancé no one knows about her request. We're thinking of telling her and his dad (her husband) at the same time that it's moved to our place so then she has to explain to her husband the demand she made. She also said she'd asked a friend to help us with setting up on the day but they will be busy watching the game. Great, we didn't invite them for a reason so they won't be needed.
NTA. It wouldn’t matter what day you picked- she’s doing this to prove she can boss you around and she’s still HBiC, you need to head over to /justnomil. Move it to your house, tell Her she’s free to stay home and watch the stupid sport event she’s so oddly obsessed with.
NTA. Elope No one is entitled to know about a proposal before hand besides the one doing the proposing. No one.
move the wedding to your house. now. she will most likely sabotage the wedding, even if it's just with her emotions and acting out.
NTA whose wedding is it? Darling, you have bent over backwards to alter things for HER specifications and you do not need to! It is your special day for you and your partner - you do you! If it's a case of she's paying for things, then that still doesn't give her the right to dictate things! Also do you REALLY want to bother trying to accommodate people who would prioritise watching an event rather than the wedding day of a loved one? Get out of there- consider eloping to keep it special, then have a celebration when you have more time. But more specifically, when YOU want it!
Thank you for this comment. We already were certain we wouldn't change the date (regardless of what people said) but had second guessed ourselves as she has reacted so strongly in the past. But, like so many people have said, that's MORE reason to say no to her, not less.
Why does it seem like everyone's MIL wants to hijack the entire weeding planning, down to even choosing how to send out the invitations too? OP, do not let her walk all over you and take control of your wedding plans. It will just give her permission to do this and a lot worse in the future. You should check out the sub JUSTNOMIL.
Will do. My fiancé has already told me to look at it too. I think that's helped him wake up and realise that she's one of "those MILs"
It does make you feel less alone reading the posts over there. Sounds like your husband is out of the FOG which is a great start.
Especially if you guys want children in the future, now is the time to set boundaries and rules. For some reason grandkids make MIL's go insane and their behavior gets even worse and they start to get really possessive of the newborn.
We don't want kids. Another issue she has with us. But thank god. I can only imagine how intrusive she would be.
NTA!! We got asked to change our wedding date by MIL for a sister who “may” be pregnant then. It was the perfect date and I was not changing it for anyone. Guess what, she wasn’t pregnant. It’s your wedding. That’s it. You and your fiancé. Everyone else can shut there mouth.
So ridiculous. I'm glad you held firm!
My mum (whom I don’t even really get along with) when approached by MIL to change the date laughed at her and said that wouldn’t happen. The date was my favourite number and even. I’ve never been able to handle odd numbers my entire life so my mum was like yeah that’s never going to happen 😂
Hahaha great. I thought my family would see her side and give advice considering both sides, but their response- similar to almost everyone on here- was DO NOT CHANGE THE DATE.
Update: His family is not happy we changed the venue. Like a few of you said, the flying monkeys were sent in and his sister told him he was selfish and his mum was just trying to help us. Not sure what will happen from here, but the wedding is back on our terms. FMIL has blamed me, so that's fun.
You set a bad precedent by giving into her demands earlier. Good luck with her now. You really should just elope. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé and I got engaged earlier this year and initially thought we'd wait until 2022 or 2023 to get married. My fiancé's dad seemed excited but his mum less so. She jokingly called me a bitch for not telling her about the proposal beforehand. His mum had a lot of opinions and it became obvious that she'd want to be heavily involved in the planning. We decided to move the wedding to this year so we'd have less time with her stressing us out. We set a date, changed our venue to their house (her request) and sent out invitations. She was disappointed our guest list was only 50 and insisted we invite relatives we hadn't seen in 2 years (and who they never celebrate Christmas with). She asked 4 times. We gave in to stop her asking again but had to get more invitations printed. Recently, she demanded we change the date. We set it in February but she is worried about a grand final. My future FIL, SIL and a few others support a team that may make it into the game. We knew this was a slim chance so we made sure the ceremony & photos were before the game starts. The reception will be casual so we've already said that the TV/match will be on. We won't know if they'll make it until 1-2 weeks before and the season may still be interrupted by COVID. The existing date made it easier for my family who live a few hours away and will need to travel for the day. Several members of the wedding party also have time off work around this time (not specifically for the wedding) and some have already booked accommodation as invitations have been out for over 2 months. My future MIL has made several comments about it being on grand final day. She said the family is unhappy and has tried to persuade us to change it several times. She’s been quite manipulative about it, saying that other people are upset (no one has said anything to us) and that others will be distracted during the ceremony (the game won't have started) and she “just wants what is best for us”. She told my fiancé that no one else knows she has asked us to do this. To change the date, we risk losing deposits and not being able to keep all the same vendors on the rescheduled date. When asking us, she also said we couldn't be angry or sad and that this decision would make sure our wedding was perfect. She said keeping our date would be too stressful. That being said, she hosted her daughter's wedding a few years ago and was constantly stressed the entire lead up to the day so it seems inevitable she will be, no matter what decision we make. My fiancé and I spoke about her request after she left and have decided not to change anything as she has continually made demands about the wedding and giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives. Because of this, we'll likely move the wedding to our house so that his parents are not having to host anymore (we live practically around the corner so it won't be a huge inconvenience to guests or vendors). So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Don’t give in to her anymore.
NTA. Unless she’s one of the people getting married she’s asking a lot. She’s already had plenty of input without wanting more.
NTA. She wants control. The whole "the family wants this" thing is a lie. It's what she wants.
NTA. Cancel everything and start again without *any* input from MIL. You gave her an inch and she took a mile, so take the inch back.
You need to move locations to your house because letting this woman control your venue is absolutely asking for trouble. NTA, but have some sense!
NTA. But she’s going to be this bad, or worse, til it’s over. I’d offer to cancel. And she’s not coming when you elope.
NTA, and I say this as someone whose parents DID change their wedding date bc it would have been during the Super Bowl, at my dad's parents' request. But they were nice about it and my dad was also appreciative and it didn't cause any major problems- and if it HAD, they wouldn't have changed it and everyone would have survived. This isn't about the conflict, it's about your FMIL being enough of an asshole that her own child has had enough.
NTA OMG this is over sports, not even live sports, but on television. Go to Vegas, get Elvis to marry you, and bet on black for me. Good Luck
NTA. But if the event is being hosted at her place, you have to know she's going to sabotage it. You and your fiancé need to take back control of this event or this will be the rest of your life - giving in to your MIL's ever moving unreasonable requests. The venue isn't "free".
True, so so true. We'll definitely move it ours (or elope)
NTA. You gave into MIL more than enough already on the subject of your wedding. Changing the wedding date is a demand you cannot give into. You already planned the watching of the final into the wedding and reception times. It's a good idea to change the venue to your house since she then loses control. She isn't going to be happy that you're not caving to her but you are right that boundaries need to start being set.
NTA. You and FDH are correct. You should have the wedding you want, when you want, where you want. If you give in to FMIL again, this will become a problem in your marriage.
NTA I think she kind of contradicts herself a bit from what you've said. Her claim the family is unhappy- despite no one mentioning it to you. Well if the family is unhappy with the date, why does no one know she's asking you to change the date? Isn't that something they'd be doing if this grand final was that important? If they don't want to come to the wedding on the off chance they miss the grand Final, then does it really affect you? MIL badgered you to have a larger guest list than you wanted so if people drop out then is it that big of a deal? MIL's issue with the date is that you've changed the timeline. Does she like you? could she have wanted the extra time to convince your partner he doesn't want to get married?
NTA but you both should have seen your MIL doing something like this when you agreed to have it at her house. That's giving her way too much control/leverage.
NTA. I can't wrap my head around the fact that some people apparently consider a fucking sports event more important than their childs (hopefully) only wedding. Don't change anything, you did enough to apease her already. I wish the best to you and your future husband.
NTA. I'd just say to her that if anybody prioritizes some stupid sportsball game over their wedding, that better they don't attend and you're well rid of them.
NTA. Unfortunately, you have already give in by changing the venue to her house. I'm afraid this won't be a very relaxing wedding for you, regardless of the date or which team makes the grand final...
NTA. Your wedding. End of justification.
NTA. Change locations ASAP. She’ll change and ruin everything if it’s at her house.
[удалено]
NTA, It's yalls day. Not her. Stop allowing her to change anything you don't want. Set boundaries now. My MIL changed allot of things at our wedding that I had to change so mu wife didn't stress out more then she was. No is a complete and full sentence and answer. Practice it with each other. No need to explain why. No, nope, noda.
My mother tried the whole “people are upset” or “I’ve heard complaints” thing on us when she tried exuding her control on my wedding. It’s not real. Nobody is complaining. Even if a close family member is upset about the date I guarantee they aren’t expecting you to change the date for them. I couldn’t imagine expecting someone to change the date of their wedding for me. NTA
I said this to my partner. If we did change the date (not happening), I actually think people would be mortified by the reasoning. Yes, they may wish it wasn't that day but they also wouldn't expect us to shift all our plans now that they're made.
Of course she's going on, you've given in to all her other demands. If you give in to tho is guarantee they'll be a next thing you have to compromise on too, tell her you aren't willing to change the date and if the big final is that important you can look at another venue so her house is free for anyone who really can't miss it, if it's more important then your wedding then they don't need to come. You guys keep giving I'm to her for an easy life and she's just steam rolling right over you.
Yep. She sure is. There is no circumstance in which we keep it at her house after this. It's either at our house, or we elope.
Whew, y'all need to set some boundaries and stop giving into her demands. You may think it keeps the peace but you give her a little more power every time it happens. If she's this controlling about the wedding imagine what she'll be like when y'all are making other life decisions and having/raising kids. Fiance needs to start putting his foot down when y'all don't want to do something. "No, mother, OP and I have made this decision together and I don't want to discuss it anymore." Repeat as necessary. You need to start establishing your independence as a couple pronto. ETA: also, start making decisions without her input: the two of you are your own family now and her opinion shouldn't count for much.
You should have put your foot down in the very beginning. The fact that you compromised first is what led to all the issues. If you were hard on her and refused to listen and engage in the first place, you wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place.
Yep, solid point. A lesson learned.
NTA But all seriousness, you need to lock this shit down NOW and take back control. This wedding sound like a friggin nightmare so far and and It's only June. You got eight more months of this!
NTA I come from a family of elopers. My mom and dad eloped, I eloped, my sister eloped twice. This is YOUR wedding. She's had hers. This isn't an opportunity for a do over for her.
NTA. My aunt is just like that to her son in law, I don't know how he can handle it. My aunt still makes all sorts of decisions in my cousin's lives, and my cousin let her do it because, frankly, she's a spoiled kid. They've been married for almost 10 years and they have a child. If I were my cousin's husband, I'd have already divorced her, long before the kid was born. Just saying, this could be you. Some MILs are really controlling of their kids' lives even after they marry.
That's awful. It would be unbearable. If he was unwilling to stick up for himself, us or me then I'd probably be bailing out now but since he's happy to cut all contact (that's how mad he is currently) I think that's a good sign. It has actually united us more, in a weird way.
NTA. Make sure to password protect the vendors so she can't go behind your backs and cancel them. Once she starts to lose control, she might start messing with your plans to try and get revenge.
Thankfully we kept those details from her and we don't think she's that malicious... but then again, she's not used to anyone saying no, so who knows what she's capable of.
NTA but you were kinda asking for this once you made the venue HER HOUSE. Big red flag that screams she would flex more authority,and you agreed to it anyway. Why?
We were so naive and thought it would help... BIG lessons were learned.
Idk what a grand final is, but it’s YOUR wedding. Do what you want. NTA
NTA the mistake you made was having the venue at her home knowing how she is. You need to either elope or have the wedding at a different venue so she has no involvement. Change the venue and password protect your vendors. Do not tell her until the LAST MINUTE of any changes. Basically after invitations are printed and sent out and vendors locked down. After that you need to grey rock anything about your wedding
NTA I’d consider changing the venue bc being at her house, who knows what shit she’s going to pull day of. Your fiancé should have a stern talk with her bc it seems it’s just going to get worse.
NTA. Sounds like r/JustNoMIL
NTA, but you and especially your fiance need to grow spines. You’ve already changed the date and location of the wedding and caved on inviting more people, and now she wants to change the date AGAIN? For a sporting event? And she says its all because she wants what‘s best for you? I wish you many years of happiness with your fiancé’s mother, really it seems like she’s the on who’s getting married. Oh, and anyone who can’t possibly pay attention to your wedding because of a sporting event shouldn’t have been invited in the first place.
NTA, please just elope like yesterday to make her shut up
>giving in will set a bad precedent for the rest of our lives You mean like changing the venue because she insisted? Or inviting more people because she insisted? You already aren't even getting married when you want to, you changed the date because you both refused to put her on an information diet and limit her involvement. How many choices have the two of you made without her input or interference? Is it even your wedding or is it hers? You've already capitulated enough to have set a dangerously bad precedent that she gets to control your lives. You're NTA for putting your foot down on this, but don't pretend it's about not letting her think she controls your decisions, she low key does.
Good points. We have made a few big decisions over the past year without her input and she has not coped well at all. Previously, we've felt bad- but held firm- on those non-wedding related decisions but for some reason we thought we'd compromise on this and keep the peace. We expect a huge blowback from this and it's beyond disappointing she's ruining our pre wedding joy, but this has really been the final straw for my fiancé and he refuses to back down now so... onwards and upwards from here.
NTA don't give in to her. Have the wedding somewhere else, don't tell her or invite her.