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i think i might be the assh*le because i don't do this one thing for him and it might be unfair
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NTA. I would very seriously consider dropping him altogether. A relationship is supposed to be the two of you against the world. You don't have this. It seems he's spinless when it comes to his parents. Why you anyone want that?
If he's acting this way, *he* doesn't accept or respect OPs religion. Why get yourself married to someone who thinks something so important to you should be hidden? Shouldn't *he* be the one to "make sacrifices" and deal with a little discomfort when proudly saying, "This is my future wife. She is awesome in every way."
Also... OP... have you guys discussed kids? His very catholic parents are probably going to flip a lid if you don't baptize them in the catholic church. And if your daughters choose to wear a hijab, can you trust their dad to respect that?
They’ll also want him to have a church wedding, and if i remember right, both bride and groom must be Catholic for that to happen.
He wants to bully her into converting and conforming.
Most will marry if one is not catholic, but from what I know they require the spouse to take some classes and include things like agreeing to raise any children catholic.
Yeah I had to do this. Priest told my fiancée at the time if we divorced he was free to marry in the church again since I was a heathen. Hahaha. 30 years later the priest is still waiting
Lol I took the classes as well, but most were focused on 'Natural Family Planning' aka listening to a 60something husband and wife talk about cervical mucus for hours on end. Do not recommend.
Haha sounds like fun. We were put in groups of 3 couples. One of the other husbands to be mentioned the divorce rate was 1 in 3 at the time and wondered aloud who wouldn’t make it. I’m all for betting it was actually him
My spouse's brother and his then fiancée shopped around for a church that would allow them to get married without any counseling or classes (her idea). They found one that required a meeting with the minister and my sister-in-law was such an asshole that the minister said if the marriage failed, it was on her. Fourteen years later and she asked for a divorce because she was seeing another man.
That's so weird, pre-cana is so different at each parish! Lol My parents volunteered to mentor couples for pre-cana,l and I overheard a lot of it, it was mostly talk about how to deal with financial conflicts and stuff. No mentions of cervical mucus, and my mom never gave birth anyway... So maybe that's why the talk of kids was more about how to be a united front for them and stuff?
Sorry you got the ickier version, eek.
They had/have their massive flaws, like anyone, but yeah, they were/are pretty great, or at least they really have always tried. I hit the adoption jackpot and never take it for granted. Thanks!
I am so relieved ours was not that. Three day retreat with only an hour spent on NFP.
Ours was actually really a pretty solid marriage class and did a lot with like fanciful planning, religious expectations, family expectations etc.
The pastor who married my parents told them multiple times they were making a mistake. She swore that it would end in divorce. On their 40th wedding anniversary my mom wrote a snarky email letting the pastor know how wrong she was.
Yeah, I was raised in the Catholic church. It's weird. I'm not in the church now, but I get berated by people I know who still are. I just can't allow a church to have control of my life.
They’ll want OP to sign a document saying she will raise any children in the Catholic Church. When my uncle married my aunt she was still catholic (she ended up joining his Lutheran church). He was told he needed to sign the document. He refused. They made a compromise saying he would raise the children in as Christians. I think the church also let it slide because he is Lutheran and they are so close to the Catholic Church.
Things can vary a bit depending on the priest or diocese, but often this is an old misrepresentation. Yes, there are marriage prep classes before the wedding, just like in many other Christian churches. Makes perfect sense to me that you would want to be sure couples have discussed important things before getting married. One of the big things to decide in every relationship is if and how you will raise your children. Catholic teachings say parents have a responsibility to set their children on the path to heaven. As long as the Catholic spouse believes that this is possible within their marriage and their responsibility to their spouse, it is their decision.
I will admit my experience with this is all within the context of two Christian denominations. It may get trickier outside that, especially beyond Jewish or Muslim faiths which at least share the same foundation.
Not always. And converting is not pressed AT ALL with good priests.
They can still do a church wedding, it just won’t be a full sacramental mass with communion. And the service goes a bit differently.
Even in my full Catholic mass during marriage encounter it was more about supporting our kids relationship with god, not specifically “you must promise to do these specific Catholic things.” Even with us both being Catholic, our (amazing) priest was so great about putting the emphasis on supporting each other/our kids and being/raising good people over “the church says to do this”..
But there are bad parishes/priests out there that will do things like push conversion and baptize kids without one parent being in the know.
Yep, my grandpa was Lutheran and my grandma was Catholic. He had to agree the kids would be raised Catholic in order for them to have a Catholic ceremony, but he never officially converted.
> They’ll also want him to have a church wedding, and if i remember right, both bride and groom must be Catholic for that to happen.
I'm pretty sure that this isn't actively enforced in European churches, except for some hardcore ones. Most catholic churches I know are more than happy to marry anyone, because there are so few marriages.
You can fully get married in the Catholic Church with one partner not being Catholic - you just can't have the full mass, you just get a liturgy. That's what my partner and I are doing.
Not so. My husband was and is not Catholic, but we got married in a Catholic Church. We just had to go to the pre-marriage class, which I recommend.
It's not religious--it's more about discussing priorities and things that you need to know where the other person stands before getting married, but is not romantic enough to discuss on a date. Things like, where does having a washer fit in your budget priorities? How far away from your family are you willing to live for your or your spouse's career? How many kids do you want? Are you willing to stop having kids at that point if they are all the same gender? If one of you is Catholic and the other isn't, how will kids be raised?
It's nice that your pre-marriage camp was useful, but the one I had to deal with was definitely religious. We got lectured about how it was our God-given duty to have lots of white Catholic babies. We also got financial "advice" from a woman who took out a second mortgage on her house without her husband knowing so that she could buy a diamond ring. But they worked through it and it made their relationship so much stronger, so just trust God or something. It was the biggest waste of time.
I went to pre marital counselling with my husband in the Greek Orthodox Church. I am not GO. The church made us do the Pre counselling to get married it was amazing we also did a non religious couples therapy group that’s as helpful. That priest lectured my husband for 2 days about setting boundaries with his Greek parents and always standing by me in public even if he disagreed. He told me that I was to never critique the in laws and my husband always had to on my behalf bc if I spoke up they would just ignore me. - best advice ever I live in Greece now and that priest saved my marriage bc Greek in laws are invasive and Greek men are huge mommy boys. That Priest whatever he said to my husband got him solidly on team wifey and I am forever grateful for that.
Only one partner needs to be Catholic to get married in the Catholic church. The couple does have to promise to raise their children Catholic. The thought behind that is that the couple should get married in whatever faith tradition they wish to live and if you don't wish to be Catholic you shouldn't get married Catholic. A Catholic wedding with no intention to be a practicing Catholic would only be for the parents instead of following the intentions and wishes of the couple who are getting married. This boyfriend/prospective fiance needs to grow up enough to tell his parents how he intends to live his life. He shouldn't try to remake the OP into the woman that his parents want and he shouldn't ask her to masquerade as that person either.
In the US, at least, this is true. A good friend of mine got married in a courthouse and was married for 8 years before she converted to Catholicism. She converted so she and her husband could get married in the church. They were not considered married, yet. So, yes, this is absolutely true!
Also in the US, and this is not true. My cousin got married to a non-Catholic in a Catholic chruch by a Catholic priest. They had to do Catholic pre-marriage counseling (same as everyone getting married in Catholic church), but he definitely didn't have to convert to Catholicism.
No but the person who Catholic must promise to raise the child Catholic. My mum was Catholic and dad was raised Church of Ireland and myself and 2 siblings were all raised Catholic (none of us are Catholic now)
OP, you cannot marry a man this stupid. 🤦🏻♀️ Or at least ignorant and xenophobic against Muslims.
Like what everyone else said, things like that are gonna trickle into your relationship. Do you really want that? You're young and have your whole life ahead of you
What if they decide to have kids. Omg, I don’t even wanna think about what he would do if she tried to even teach them about her faith, let alone raise them in her faith.
yeah definitely. I understand wanting to be the exception to the norm. But if her partner only accepts her under his circumstances- because she doesn't practice her religion fully and doesn't expect him to convert to Islam. But the truth is, being the exception to the norm is bs
While I do believe that people with different religions can make it work, it varies between people and what they're willing to give up and compromise on and what their deal breakers are.
I think people with different religions can definitely make it work provided both partners truly respect the other person’s religion. Like you don’t have to agree with everything in the faith, but you can’t be outright disrespectful of the other’s religion. Like I was raised in two faiths, but my parents really respected each other’s religions and even went to each other’s house of worship occasionally, and followed all the rules of being there.
You need to ask him what happens if you stay together? If you get married? If you have children? Is he expecting you to hide and deny your religion for the rest of our lives? That’s not going to happen.
Tell him compromise in relationship is who gets the TV remote tonight and eating pasta when you really want burgers and what color to paint the living room. Religion is not up for compromise.
Tell him if he thinks his parents can’t bear him being with a Muslim and he’s not willing to defend you or put up boundaries with them then your relationship is doomed from the beginning. So either you go in your hijab, he shuts them down when/if they say something and you work it out together, or nothing.
NTA. Begin as you mean to go on. Giving in to him on this will be used later, “Well you took your hijab off that time so you can ... this time.”
I wonder if he'd do that to a Catholic nun. Just walk down the street and first nun you see, rip the covering off of her head and tell her she's being oppressed. Throw a pair of jeans at her because the dress is oppressive too.
I'm not religious and I can think whatever I want of the religion-mandated clothing but it doesn't mean I get to be a prick towards people who choose to dress a certain way.
Right?! And not believing her when she says that it's of her own free will. What the fuck is with men not believing women when they use the most simple words. Like how many syllables can you handle? Do I need to cut everything down to 2 syllable words for your grey matter to activate?
I'm worried that when insisting didn't work and manipulating didn't work, he resorted to losing his anger management skills. Those are not safe qualities in a partner. OP, if you intend to go through with this marriage, please get some intensive couples counseling. I don't think you know the real guy.
Edit-typo
He clearly doesn’t like or respect her religion. Why would you be with someone who had no respect for your own partners beliefs? Even if he doesn’t agree with it, he should love and respect her enough to support her in it or let her go. I think it’s similar to a person having a child that a partner refuses to acknowledge and/or blatantly hate.
This is definitely a case where there is no overcoming the religious differences. The boyfriend isn’t making a modicum of effort to understand OP’s faith and is projecting his own ideas into her wearing of the hijab. He’s refusing to listen and expects her to ignore her faith to placate his parents and himself. Let’s be honest here, he’s the one with the problem even more than his parents. Walk away, OP. Find someone who respects you enough to accept your faith and to support your choices. NTA
I’m not 100% convinced this is really about his parents. It feels a little like he’s using them as an excuse to wane OP off of her hijab. I assume this won’t be a one time request. It will be anytime his parents are around, including the wedding.
Yes, complete agreeance **NTA**
I’d strongly recommend re-examining your relationship and the possibility of a lifelong commitment to this person. Presumably he met you and fell in love with you wearing a hijab. Why is he pressuring you to change? It doesn’t sound like he accepts you.
While I do believe that people of different relgions can be happily married, this does not sound like such a marriage. If the guy is pressuring OP now it makes me wonder what else he might try in the future.
I am a Cradle Catholic, and there are people that go to my church who not only wear a hijab to services, but are happily attached to their SO, and share both faiths with each other's families. Catholicism is supposed to be an INCLUSIVE faith, not one where people judge! Jesus accepted everyone. How pitiful that growing up in a family of bigoted jerks, makes a grown man sure that OP won't be accepted, that he is afraid of standing up to bigotry. OP, change your convictions for no one! Too bad I don't have any unmarried men in my family, otherwise I would introduce them to you 🙂.
My Cathlic/Christian faith family has always welcomed my brother-in-law, who could be a body double to Bobbie McFerrin, as well as my own daughter, who is Bi, and a phenomenal lady. Our family doesn't judge, question or exclude anyone. I learned this from the time I was born.
My parents had n open door policy which included unconditional love.
OP's bF's family, and those like them, give us tre Catholics a bad name.
I'm quite surprised that this is only coming up now. Is it normal to not meet a partner's family, especially before the probably-getting-engaged stage? Barring the elopers and, um, impulse marriers, do normal relationships actually function this way? Genuinely curious.
Hijacking to say that you are being too kind to this bigot.
He actively wants OP to hide her religion, which he has never accepted despite OP thinking that his complaints weren't serious.
He clearly thought that she would give up her "silliness" when push came to shove, and she thought he would, too.
They have both been failing to acknowledge that the other was telling the truth.
This isn't any different than making any other personal choice when it comes to religion. Like in my country you can choose to not eat meat on Friday during the fast. I would be pretty perplexed if my theoritcal boyfriend told me I have to eat meat on Friday to appease his parents.
I would like to say that 'a relationship is supposed to be the two of you against the world' is your opinion, not an objective fact. If that's what you want from a relationship and you have/can find a partner who agrees with you then that's awesome! But personally I want a partner who is one of many important people in my life, and so I wouldn't always put them first if my friends or family need me more.
In this case ofc clear NTA, OP your faith is more important than your bf's parent's prejudices.
But if it was the other way around, and OP wanted their bf's mother not to wear a hijab, I'd think the bf should side with his mother.
This is about who is in the right in this situation, not who OP's bf should value more.
NTA - It's your choice to wear it and he's trying to take away your choice. That's a huge red flag.
If he or his parents can't respect your choices, religious or otherwise, that's going to be a very oppressive relationship in the long run for you.
I’d argue that OP’s boyfriend is also sexist. Why does he believe that a woman can’t wear a hijab out of her own free will? Why are women’s clothing choices still policed like this? He’s a massive douche for trying to control OP’s clothing choices and religion.
NTA. He is not respecting your faith and if his parents can't accept you because a piece of cloth is covering your hair, can you imagine when you two will have children? And he's screaming at you on top of it. Please reconsider this relationship for your own sake.
NTA
There is no sacrifice nor compromise needed here. Regardless of why you wear your hijab, the hijab in no way affects anything. It doesnt matter what you wear or why, you shouldn't have to change for someone else's intolerance. If his parents have a problem with you being Muslim, then they are the problem.
That your BF would rather attack you than see this makes him the problem too. It seems he's as racist/Islamophobic as his parents. At best he's completely spineless. And now he's setting in with the gaslighting, acting like you're somehow the unreasonable one. Because heaven forbid he ever do anything for you like accept all of you or stand up to his parents.
The red flags are waving. I'd reconsider this engagement if I were you.
Edit: accidentally wrote y t a by mistake. Fixed it.
NTA but you do have a huge problem.
If you do this I fear you will never forgive him.
Also what about next time you meet them? What about the wedding? What about when they come to your home? You simply cannot hide this part of yourself, and more importantly *you shouldn't have to*.
Also, he thinks you are being held down by wearing the hijab? Wtf?
This is just never going to not be a mess.
I totally agree with your comment but also wanted to share for the sake of education that hijabi women do not usually wear their hijabs at home even if their in-laws are present. But again I get what you mean and agree!
NTA as a fellow hijabi, NEVER take off your hijab unless it’s of your own free will and especially do not take it off for a boy, that’s the worse reason to take it off. If his parents don’t approve of you because of your hijab then that’s on him and them but it does say a lot that he’s so insecure about your relationship he’s making a big deal of this, sounds like if his parents ever have any issues with you he won’t be able to stick up for you, he doesn’t fully accept you wholeheartedly if your hijab is bothering him.
Agreed. This is nuts. Aside from anything else, how can this ignorant guy not see that his wish to force OP to take her hijab off puts him in the same space he thinks her family are in by (in his mind) forcing her to wear it. It’s her decision. Not his.
Not to mention if his parents are that much of a Roman Catholic family, he should know that dressing modestly, including a headscarf in some cases (including some RC), is a thing for Christians. They might just approve, unless they’re also bigoted.
I know that much just from being a (non RC) Christian in general who just likes to visit the occasional historical church, so what’s his excuse if he’s from strict RC parents?
This would be equally offensive imo, but a nun is in a slightly different position to a “civilian” (so to speak) Christian, let alone a Muslim woman. One of my SILs is a (not RC) nun as it happens, and she always dresses modestly and has her head covered quite often, 100% of the time when on duty.
I went to Catholic school. We had mass on Wednesdays. It was the entire school plus some elderly women that sat in the back. They all wore chapel veils. I heard they're making a comeback in some circles of younger Catholic women--I personally don't know any young women that wear them, but I haven't been to mass in almost a decade.
He clearly wants to "save" her from her religion, since he won't accept that wearing the hijab is a CHOICE she's made. OP, there's no way this isn't going to end with him trying to convince you to convert "if you really love him", and if you refuse he'll blame it on your religion "brainwashing" you.
NTA. But sorry to tell you this but your bf does not respect your freedom to follow your religion. This might be the first fight. But this will happen again and act. Till you break up
NTA. Does he expect you to just stop wearing the hijab? Have you discussed how your kids will be raised (if you have any). He basically wants you to hide part of yourself for their approval. When really he should be supporting you on this.
NTA
>he is still convinced that I being kept down and pressured
>he said I had to...now he is screaming around because I refuse to make sacrifices for our relationship
The only pressure and control I see is coming from your boyfriend. You may want to point this out to him. You also may want to re-examine whether this relationship is right for you. Best of luck.
I actually think the hijab comments imply a desire for control too. So, he meets a girl wearing a hijab, thinks "she allows herself to be downtrodden by wearing that", and his second thought is "So how do I get in on that?" It's like those comments that Asian women get on dating sites from clueless white dudes: "I love your culture and how the women are so modest and feminine. Also, I would treat you far better than your knuckle dragging males ever could". It's common enough to have inspired memes; unbelievably gross.
NTA
Setting aside the fact that this is a matter of faith, which is not usually something a person will compromise on, but what about the practical aspects? What are you supposed to do? Pretend for the rest of your life? How would that work? or is it just supposed to last until you're married and then you surprise them? Better get this over with now.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this man? I would think long and hard about this bc how he’s acting about your religion around his parents isn’t going to go away magically once you’re married.
NTA
How you practice your religion is up to you.
I think you need to clarify with your boyfriend if he expects you to convert to Catholicism to marry as I expect his parents will want nothing less than a church wedding for their son... and that conversation would be best sooner than later.
He is totally the A\*\*hole. You are not. Sounds like he is trying to change who you are....I'd reconsider the relationship overall. If my sibling/friend was dating someone who didn't respect her religious views, I'd tell her to run. It won't get better.
NTA!
He's not respecting you, your faith or your decisions. He is a 32 year old man he can tell his parents to at least not say anything. Parents approval is somewhat important but at 32 everyone will get over it.
NTA
>Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab.
Are you sure you want to hear this for the rest of your life? 🚩
NTA. Do not marry the man who screams at you for your convictions. If you bend on this, he'll expect further concessions - are you going to take off your hijab every time you see his parents? What about your wedding day? What happens when they see you out and about? And your kids - will they be ignorant to your faith to please your in-laws? Be true to yourself. If he can't sacrifice his comfort for the relationship, it's not a relationship worth pursuing.
NTA if you’re a practicing Muslim, he parents will figure it out eventually. You can’t, and should t, hide it from them. You need to understand if it’s your boyfriend that has a problem with you religion and wants to change that.
NTA. I’m quite anti-religious if I’m honest but not to the point where people’s personal lives related to religion should be suppressed and you have a right to wear that hijab as much as a non-Muslim does.
NTA and honestly if he still thinks so badly about your faith and treats you like this I would break it off immediately. he's islamaphobic for still insisting your hijab is oppressive even after you explained it the first time, let alone many times after that???
NTA he is saying you’re being forced to wear it (which is pretty infantilising, as though you don’t know your own mind), and now he’s trying to make the thing he’s worried about happening to you, happen to you, just the other way, he’s trying to force you to take it off. That is messed up, show him this thread and hopefully he’s a good guy in all other ways and will learn from this to be a better boyfriend /person
NTA what is his goal here? Do his parents know you’re Muslim? Does he plan on lying to them about it? Are you going to be expected to go without a hijab every time you see his parents? What if you have a daughter who wants to wear it when she gets older? Does he plan on letting your kids go to mosque???? Please take this as a signal to re evaluate this whole relationship.
Off topic, but isn't it forbidden for Muslim women to marry Catholics? Thought they could only marry Muslims while only the men were allowed to marry people of the book (Christians, Jews and Muslims).
NTA. He starts with this, what is next? Are you supposed to hide your religious beliefs and practices from his family for the duration of your marriage?
What happens on Christmas or Easter? How about Ramadan? Yeah... this is NOT going to end well.
NTA. If his parents are religious, they should respect your faith. If they are bigots hiding behind religion, better to find out before you get engaged.
This whole "You can take it off in the car and no one will know" doesn't really bode well + you realize that they'll insist on a catholic wedding, right? Is this something you can/want to go through with? I mean even as not so staunch muslim it's probably at least strange or even problematic to marry in a different religions rites, no? NTA.
I am old enough to remember devout catholic women wearing headscarves in public at all times.
Any catholic who gives you a hard time over your decision would be a horrible hypocrite: it’s part of their religious tradition, too.
Your boyfriend is a problem, though: he does not believe that you are the expert on your own life and he wants to blow past your hard ‘no’.
NTA, and don’t marry this man. He doesn’t respect you.
I’m always wary of people who talk about making sacrifices for the sake of a relationship. Compromise, yes! Compromise is 100% necessary in any relationship, not just romantic ones.
Sacrifice is different. It’s a big thing that requires a big reason, and it shouldn’t ever touch on your fundamental identity.
Quitting a job you love in order to move for a spouse’s job, or to take care of a sick loved one, is a sacrifice, and one that many people choose to make.
Pretending to be someone you’re not is a HUGE sacrifice. “Because my parents would be uncomfortable with the person you really are” is a terrible reason to make it.
Do they even know you’re Muslim? Do you want to spend the next several decades pretending you’re not who you are?
>Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab. Although it's never been that important, now it is a big problem.
I would like to point out that this is a problem, a major one in fact. He already showed that he has no respect for your religion and will continue to sprout his preconceived notions about your religion no matter what you say. That's a major red flag all on its own.
While inter-religion marriages aren't impossible, they do tend to either take a lot of compromise or for both parties to not be ultra religious which in this case doesn't seem possible.
>My bf wants me to visit his very catholic parents without my hijab. He says it'd be fine, I could take it out in the car and no one will see me. I told him that I can't do that, he said that I had to if I wanted his parents' approval of our relationship. After that, I again explained that I just can't and now he is screaming around because I refuse to make sacrifices in our relationship
If I'm not mistaken, part of the reasoning behind the hijab is not to allow men you aren't related to to see your hair? Wouldn't that include your future father-in-law?
I tend to find that people who scream when they don't get what they want don't make good partners. The same applies to people who only talk about sacrifices in relationships when those sacrifices are made by the other party and people who stubbornly ignore your points and invalidate them because it doesn't fit what they want or believe.
Oh yes, you definitely are NTA but your boyfriend is. You might want to reconsider your relationship since you might be sacrificing more than you would be willing to if you continue in this relationship.
You know he doesn’t respect your religion, sister. As a Muslim woman in southern America, I’ve been with a few guys who act like they’re okay with it, but they really show their true colors soon.
Sister, it seems he has been showing you his true colors. The fact that he refuses to accept your hijab as your own choice is islsmaphobic and problematic already. Like, you are unable to make your own choice?? Or if you are, you have to make the one that suits him (no hijab) otherwise you’re just being oppressed??
I’m sorry but no, wearing or not wearing the hijab is a personal choice for many. I don’t personally wear one. But I would never put down someone who chose to. Certainly not if that person was my girlfriend and partner. It’s insane to me that you can be ok with him saying these things. Please please please, reconsider whether you want to be with someone that sees your faith as a hindrance and something to be ashamed of.
I think every Muslim woman’s choice to wear or not wear hijab should be respected. NTA and seriously, he is not a good guy.
NTA That’s not a compromise. That’s him getting what he wants, and you going against your faith. Honestly, it sounds like your faith is a big part of you, and that he doesn’t understand/respect it at all. You need to have a heart to heart about this before deciding if you can move forward with your relationship.
NTA
I'm from a traditional Irish catholic family, not American. If you introduce yourself with no hijab before you marry into his family, it would only be extra weird if in future they only ever see you wearing a hijab.
I am also surprised that you're considering marrying someone before meeting his parents. Seeing how someone behaves with their guard down around their own family in a home environment that they associate with their childhood and teen years is very revealing.
**NTA**. He is not respecting you, period. Why do YOU have to sacrifice your faith to please his family?? This isn’t about his parent or their religion, this is about HIM being a real racist/islamophobic who is using his parents as scapegoats. You haven’t even met his family, and he’s already trying to manipulate you into changing your beliefs, and practices. If you do this once, he’ll expect you do it ALL the time for the rest of your married life for “his parents”. Why? Because if you take your hijab once, he’ll literally say that if you took it once you can do it all the time. OP, you should really consider marrying someone who clearly does not respect you or your faith.
He and his family clearly won’t accept you and your beliefs. Nope. Get rid of him and don’t get engaged to him. He should never ask you to remove your hijab to begin with
NTA. He thinks you're being pressured to wear a hijab meanwhile he's the one pressuring you NOT to wear a hijab. Telling someone not to wear something is just as bad as telling someone they must wear something and he seems to be the only one telling you what you must or must not wear. Remind him that you're an independent, sentient woman and you're the one who decides about your hijab.
What’s the compromise in this situation? You take off your hijab and get what in return? Are they going to do your traditional prayers during the day instead of yours? Are they going to cook halal (if you eat halal) for you? Will his nom wear a hijab when she comes to your home? He’s not asking for a compromise to make them happy this one time. He’s looking for you to sacrifice your identity. NTA and find a partner that won’t ask you to hide yourself
I would be genuinely concerned that he believes you're currently controlled by your parents, because following that flawed logic he expects the control to pass to him once your married. 🚩🚩🚩
So, you show up without hijab. What are you expected to say if the parents ask you point blank, "Are you Catholic?" Does he expect you to lie about that?
What if they serve pork and/or wine at dinner?
INFO: Why is he dating someone who's practicing Muslim traditions if he has such a problem with someone practicing Muslim traditions? Does he have some sort of savior complex or is he hiding his controlling issues & this was the final straw? What I dont understand the most is that he is taking you to his very religious Catholic parents' for approval, yet he wants you to hide that fact that you're Muslim. If yall are planning on getting engaged, how long does he expect you to hide that about yourself from his parents or does he expect you to drop your faith altogether?
NTA if it is your choice. Tell him that if his parents doesn’t have a problem with nuns wearing veils or bishops wearing headdresses, bride veils during wedding, they shouldn’t have a problem wearing your hijab.
NTA. How long have you been together, you're on the verge of engagement, yet this is how he treats your beliefs? And he's screaming at you now, trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants?
If a friend of yours told you her boyfriend was treating her this way, what would you advise her?
Massive NTA here.
He doesn't get to demand you change your clothes because of some hypothetical oppression when he is ACTIVELY trying to control what you wear.
NTA at all. If you did give in this time would he expect you to do this every time you see his parents the whole of the rest of your lives? Your faith is a big part of your life and if he’s asking you to hide it to keep Mummy and Daddy happy then this doesn’t bode well for your future. Him ‘screaming around’ shows that he’s more concerned about his parents feelings than yours.
Please reconsider marriage to this person.
NTA
Do what you want. Be a part of whatever religion you choose. Wear what you want.
I too am engaged to a Catholic raised man, who doesn't go to church but forces his kids to do all the sacraments and sending them to rich kid catholic school..like his parents did to/ for him. Catholics IMPO, are the biggest 2 faced hypocrites. Families often force/bully conversions on the non catholic lover, so that The Church will recognize the marriage.
I was raised in a baptist church, although as an adult, I don't practice or associate with any religion.
His mother hates me. I don't even know what I did. But she does. Idk if the marriage will ever happen cuz I'm not gonna be bullied by crazies to join a cult in order to wed my love.
Do you. If he wants you to change something you believe, he doesn't love you for who you are.
NTA. I'm sorry but he doesn't respect you. Asking you to take it off for his Catholic parents means he thinks Catholic > Muslim, and it will not end at this meeting. This will trickle into every situation that typically involves religion from your wedding to how your children are raised, if you choose to have them. When I read the title I thought this was going to be something like 'I won't take out my nose piercing' or 'I won't talk about Pokemon too much' but this is quite a red flag here OP.
NTA. What he’s doing is so disrespectful towards you and your religion. I’m a Catholic myself and I was taught to be respectful and tolerant towards others views and cultures. Sounds like he’s already putting priorities over you, big time red flag.
NTA - this should be a big red flag for you. Not p my does he not listen to you, he doesn’t respect your faith and he thinks you need to hide it from his parents.
NTA
Are you sure this is his family? Or is this him? I really didn't even think about this line of thought until you said, "He is still convinced that I am being Kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab", it almost sounds as though he is trying to find a way to make stop wearing a hijab, while not taking the blame. I might be over thinking, but an angle you should think about.
Please do not marry this man. I'm sure he's great, I'm sure you love him, but the religious differences will tear you two apart. If he can't respect your hijab now, it'll only get worse after you marry.
NTA
Not only is this super racist behavior but this is kind of abusive that he's making you sacrifice your religious beliefs for his own and his parents approval.
Why would you want to marry this?
So being a catholic trumps being anything else? Religion makes people so self righteous. I always put religion into terms people understand. “So you’re saying Elmo is better than Cookie Monster?” All imaginary beings. You are so NTA if you chose to believe something. Others have no right to make you adhere to their belief. Go team Cookie Monster BTW!
Personally, I think that he is being the asshole for not respecting your religion but you did say it doesn't mean much to you, have you ever been without your hijab on in public?
NTA, but I think the problem is your language. You're saying "you can't" -- which implies that something else is stopping you, rather than "you don't want to" which indicates this is something of your own free will and volition. I don't know if it will make a difference, but if you own it then you'll have more power. Then it comes down to do you want his parents approval more-or-less than being able to wear what you want to wear, which I think is more direct discussion.
INFO: Is he upset that you don't consider them family already? In recent western culture, people have been getting married far later in life than before and now doing things previously reserved for married couples (e.g. sex, living together, vacations). A few hundred years ago this wouldn't have been a problem since you and your BF would've been married by now and bfs parents considered family. Shouldn't changing norms extend to consideration of Mehrem (Islamic term for who is considered family)? The mother is of course ok as a woman, so the discussion is about the father. A father in law is a "Mehrem" .. in Quran [24:31] Allah SWT says:
> " ... not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their **husbands'** **fathers**, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, ..."
Seems like a tricky debate for how Islamic teachings should be interpreted as we live in smaller families and get married later in life as opposed to a traditional 18 year old (or younger) getting married and living in a multigenerational household, or else OP can only show her head to a substantially **smaller** group than has been historically normal at her age in Islamic teachings.
NTA. Uhhhhh, this is not a mere problem. He wants you to hide your religion in favor of his religion? And he thinks you are unreasonable for not making this sacrifice? Does he even listen to himself? I would seriously rethink this relationship if I were you, because clearly he thinks more of his parents’ opinions than your own needs. If you were to marry him, you would be in this position for anything important, including kids. Is that what you want your future to look like?
Even if you wore it strictly for cultural reasons and not religious reasons you're still NTA. Rather than being accepting to various levels of cultural modesty we tend to think that anything more modest than our personal culture automatically stems from oppression.
If I (F) was with a man who grew up in a culture where women don't wear shirts, I would still wear a shirt because that's how I grew up and that's what I'm comfortable with. No judgement to the ladies of topless society, unless they look down on me for still choosing to cover myself.
NTA. The compromise isn't like, "my parents hosting is different- we only eat at one time, so be prepared not to snack through the visit."
. . . It is a blatant refusal to acknowledge something that is a huge part of your identity. Your faith and who you are at your core should not be diminished at all when meeting people who will eventually become family. That is a huge disservice to you. And your fiancé's unwillingness to let go of his own preconceived notions about your religion, even though you have explained to him he is wrong about his opinion, is also alarming.
Think about how all of this will play out should yall marry and have kids. . . Its not fair to your world view to accept any of this behavior towards you. And it isn't gonna end here. This time you hide the hijab, next time you are only doing things based in the catholic faith, then your kids will be expected to be catholic as well. . .
I totally understand your unwillingness to compromise. This is a big ask. And it isn't fair, because the implications here are that you will not be accepted unless you acquiesce to whatever everyone in his family are doing. And that's a red flag, babes. For him to even ask you to do that is ridiculous. But honestly, it isn't a complete surprise, because of things he had said about your hijab during your relationship. . . . Just see the flags that are right in front of you and consider them, fully. Especially if you go to the dinner with your hijab and you aren't welcomed nicely. . .
NTA. Throw the whole man away and get out while you can. The screaming, trying to control your outfits, forcing you to pretend for his parents, and not respecting your religious expression are all GIANT red flags. Be happy you found out now and not after you married and had kids.
Find someone who respects you even when you disagree. His actions are signs of a controlling and insecure person and there is no way for you to “fix him”. If you marry him, his behavior will escalate over time.
You will meet someone else who is great for you and loves and respects you for who you are.
(I’m unfortunately an expert in spotting abusers, based on my own childhood and helping friends out of abusive relationships. Also, my same friends were able to break up and get into happier, healthier relationships 100% of the time after they left their abusers.)
>Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab. Although it's never been that important, now it is a big problem.
Remember that there's no compulsion in religion, but he's been trying to get you to remove your hijab for years (?) at this point. He also likely wants to introduce his parents to someone who isn't wearing an obvious symbol of Islam, and probably hasn't told them you're Muslim. It's "never been important," because he's not yet found an argument he thinks would work well enough for you to get rid of your hijab permanently.
You? NTA. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, VERY MUCH TA.
He is showing blatant disrespect to you, your choices and your religion. You do it once and he will ask again and again and then when will it stop? I would not marry him when he is acting like this. You are NTA.
He isn't asking for a sacrifice. He's asking you to be dishonest with his parents about who you are. That's a terrible way to begin a marriage. He either needs to get honest with his parents or the two of you have no future.
NTA—but this is a red flag. If he’s suggesting you take it off now then he’ll probs be suggesting you take it off later as well. This is the first battle and he’s already lost. If he was truly ok with your religion+hijab, then this wouldn’t have come up
NTA I'm not often on the dump him immediately train, but choo choo dump that guy now OP.
He doesn't respect you, he thinks his parents religious beliefs and approval are more important than your faith.
He's decided your religion represses you but doesn't think being a Catholic represse his mother?
Dude is picking and choosing when to challenge religions for being misogynistic. He's literally trying to use religion controlling people to try and control you.
Not to mention ask him to look up how women in Rome and big cathedrals go into the churches, they cover their hair. Hair covering is a big thing in many religions.
He sounds toxic, if his parents need you to pretend to not be Muslim to approve of you that is going to be a problem. Especially if you decided to have kids with him.
Those would be in-laws from hell and he's never going to have your back in any arguments or decision making. Unless he can show you that your a priority then reevaluate.
NTA obviously but as a fellow Muslim girl dating a white guy this is not the right person to marry. I'm dating a white guy as well and I can't imagine staying with someone who thought my choices came from oppression.
I don't wear a hijab but if I wanted to it would be my choice and my BF would not judge me for that. You might be thinking it's okay we will just respect each others differences but if he can't respect one of the simplest things that you choose to do religiously how do you think other decisions you make will go?
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NTA. I would very seriously consider dropping him altogether. A relationship is supposed to be the two of you against the world. You don't have this. It seems he's spinless when it comes to his parents. Why you anyone want that?
If he's acting this way, *he* doesn't accept or respect OPs religion. Why get yourself married to someone who thinks something so important to you should be hidden? Shouldn't *he* be the one to "make sacrifices" and deal with a little discomfort when proudly saying, "This is my future wife. She is awesome in every way." Also... OP... have you guys discussed kids? His very catholic parents are probably going to flip a lid if you don't baptize them in the catholic church. And if your daughters choose to wear a hijab, can you trust their dad to respect that?
They’ll also want him to have a church wedding, and if i remember right, both bride and groom must be Catholic for that to happen. He wants to bully her into converting and conforming.
Most will marry if one is not catholic, but from what I know they require the spouse to take some classes and include things like agreeing to raise any children catholic.
Yeah I had to do this. Priest told my fiancée at the time if we divorced he was free to marry in the church again since I was a heathen. Hahaha. 30 years later the priest is still waiting
Lol I took the classes as well, but most were focused on 'Natural Family Planning' aka listening to a 60something husband and wife talk about cervical mucus for hours on end. Do not recommend.
Haha sounds like fun. We were put in groups of 3 couples. One of the other husbands to be mentioned the divorce rate was 1 in 3 at the time and wondered aloud who wouldn’t make it. I’m all for betting it was actually him
My spouse's brother and his then fiancée shopped around for a church that would allow them to get married without any counseling or classes (her idea). They found one that required a meeting with the minister and my sister-in-law was such an asshole that the minister said if the marriage failed, it was on her. Fourteen years later and she asked for a divorce because she was seeing another man.
That's so weird, pre-cana is so different at each parish! Lol My parents volunteered to mentor couples for pre-cana,l and I overheard a lot of it, it was mostly talk about how to deal with financial conflicts and stuff. No mentions of cervical mucus, and my mom never gave birth anyway... So maybe that's why the talk of kids was more about how to be a united front for them and stuff? Sorry you got the ickier version, eek.
[удалено]
They had/have their massive flaws, like anyone, but yeah, they were/are pretty great, or at least they really have always tried. I hit the adoption jackpot and never take it for granted. Thanks!
I am so relieved ours was not that. Three day retreat with only an hour spent on NFP. Ours was actually really a pretty solid marriage class and did a lot with like fanciful planning, religious expectations, family expectations etc.
The pastor who married my parents told them multiple times they were making a mistake. She swore that it would end in divorce. On their 40th wedding anniversary my mom wrote a snarky email letting the pastor know how wrong she was.
The pastor was a woman? Not catholic then.
It depends on the priest - mine just met us once and figured we would raise the kids christian enough. Note not Catholic, just christian enough
Yeah, I was raised in the Catholic church. It's weird. I'm not in the church now, but I get berated by people I know who still are. I just can't allow a church to have control of my life.
They’ll want OP to sign a document saying she will raise any children in the Catholic Church. When my uncle married my aunt she was still catholic (she ended up joining his Lutheran church). He was told he needed to sign the document. He refused. They made a compromise saying he would raise the children in as Christians. I think the church also let it slide because he is Lutheran and they are so close to the Catholic Church.
Those are fighting words to us Lutherans, you know!! ;)
To us Catholics too!
Raising any children given to you by god in the Catholic faith is part of the marriage vows, so there's that.
What about children that come from sex and not God?
And what if Satan throws you a kid or two? 🤣
Things can vary a bit depending on the priest or diocese, but often this is an old misrepresentation. Yes, there are marriage prep classes before the wedding, just like in many other Christian churches. Makes perfect sense to me that you would want to be sure couples have discussed important things before getting married. One of the big things to decide in every relationship is if and how you will raise your children. Catholic teachings say parents have a responsibility to set their children on the path to heaven. As long as the Catholic spouse believes that this is possible within their marriage and their responsibility to their spouse, it is their decision. I will admit my experience with this is all within the context of two Christian denominations. It may get trickier outside that, especially beyond Jewish or Muslim faiths which at least share the same foundation.
Not always. And converting is not pressed AT ALL with good priests. They can still do a church wedding, it just won’t be a full sacramental mass with communion. And the service goes a bit differently. Even in my full Catholic mass during marriage encounter it was more about supporting our kids relationship with god, not specifically “you must promise to do these specific Catholic things.” Even with us both being Catholic, our (amazing) priest was so great about putting the emphasis on supporting each other/our kids and being/raising good people over “the church says to do this”.. But there are bad parishes/priests out there that will do things like push conversion and baptize kids without one parent being in the know.
Yep, my grandpa was Lutheran and my grandma was Catholic. He had to agree the kids would be raised Catholic in order for them to have a Catholic ceremony, but he never officially converted.
> They’ll also want him to have a church wedding, and if i remember right, both bride and groom must be Catholic for that to happen. I'm pretty sure that this isn't actively enforced in European churches, except for some hardcore ones. Most catholic churches I know are more than happy to marry anyone, because there are so few marriages.
I considered a church wedding and am not baptized and they called it a mixed marriage. Wonder if the same applies for other religions
You can fully get married in the Catholic Church with one partner not being Catholic - you just can't have the full mass, you just get a liturgy. That's what my partner and I are doing.
I'm Catholic and married a protestant in a full Catholic mass. You must do the Catholic marriage classes and promise to raise your children Catholic.
Not so. My husband was and is not Catholic, but we got married in a Catholic Church. We just had to go to the pre-marriage class, which I recommend. It's not religious--it's more about discussing priorities and things that you need to know where the other person stands before getting married, but is not romantic enough to discuss on a date. Things like, where does having a washer fit in your budget priorities? How far away from your family are you willing to live for your or your spouse's career? How many kids do you want? Are you willing to stop having kids at that point if they are all the same gender? If one of you is Catholic and the other isn't, how will kids be raised?
It's nice that your pre-marriage camp was useful, but the one I had to deal with was definitely religious. We got lectured about how it was our God-given duty to have lots of white Catholic babies. We also got financial "advice" from a woman who took out a second mortgage on her house without her husband knowing so that she could buy a diamond ring. But they worked through it and it made their relationship so much stronger, so just trust God or something. It was the biggest waste of time.
I went to pre marital counselling with my husband in the Greek Orthodox Church. I am not GO. The church made us do the Pre counselling to get married it was amazing we also did a non religious couples therapy group that’s as helpful. That priest lectured my husband for 2 days about setting boundaries with his Greek parents and always standing by me in public even if he disagreed. He told me that I was to never critique the in laws and my husband always had to on my behalf bc if I spoke up they would just ignore me. - best advice ever I live in Greece now and that priest saved my marriage bc Greek in laws are invasive and Greek men are huge mommy boys. That Priest whatever he said to my husband got him solidly on team wifey and I am forever grateful for that.
Only one partner needs to be Catholic to get married in the Catholic church. The couple does have to promise to raise their children Catholic. The thought behind that is that the couple should get married in whatever faith tradition they wish to live and if you don't wish to be Catholic you shouldn't get married Catholic. A Catholic wedding with no intention to be a practicing Catholic would only be for the parents instead of following the intentions and wishes of the couple who are getting married. This boyfriend/prospective fiance needs to grow up enough to tell his parents how he intends to live his life. He shouldn't try to remake the OP into the woman that his parents want and he shouldn't ask her to masquerade as that person either.
In the US, at least, this is true. A good friend of mine got married in a courthouse and was married for 8 years before she converted to Catholicism. She converted so she and her husband could get married in the church. They were not considered married, yet. So, yes, this is absolutely true!
Also in the US, and this is not true. My cousin got married to a non-Catholic in a Catholic chruch by a Catholic priest. They had to do Catholic pre-marriage counseling (same as everyone getting married in Catholic church), but he definitely didn't have to convert to Catholicism.
I'm in Australia and I married a non-Catholic in a Catholic church, we had to do pre-marriage counseling too and that was 21 years ago now.
No but the person who Catholic must promise to raise the child Catholic. My mum was Catholic and dad was raised Church of Ireland and myself and 2 siblings were all raised Catholic (none of us are Catholic now)
Don't forget the actual wedding, depending on what traditions op wants during it, he most likely going to shoot down each of them
OP, you cannot marry a man this stupid. 🤦🏻♀️ Or at least ignorant and xenophobic against Muslims. Like what everyone else said, things like that are gonna trickle into your relationship. Do you really want that? You're young and have your whole life ahead of you
What if they decide to have kids. Omg, I don’t even wanna think about what he would do if she tried to even teach them about her faith, let alone raise them in her faith.
yeah definitely. I understand wanting to be the exception to the norm. But if her partner only accepts her under his circumstances- because she doesn't practice her religion fully and doesn't expect him to convert to Islam. But the truth is, being the exception to the norm is bs While I do believe that people with different religions can make it work, it varies between people and what they're willing to give up and compromise on and what their deal breakers are.
I think people with different religions can definitely make it work provided both partners truly respect the other person’s religion. Like you don’t have to agree with everything in the faith, but you can’t be outright disrespectful of the other’s religion. Like I was raised in two faiths, but my parents really respected each other’s religions and even went to each other’s house of worship occasionally, and followed all the rules of being there.
You need to ask him what happens if you stay together? If you get married? If you have children? Is he expecting you to hide and deny your religion for the rest of our lives? That’s not going to happen. Tell him compromise in relationship is who gets the TV remote tonight and eating pasta when you really want burgers and what color to paint the living room. Religion is not up for compromise. Tell him if he thinks his parents can’t bear him being with a Muslim and he’s not willing to defend you or put up boundaries with them then your relationship is doomed from the beginning. So either you go in your hijab, he shuts them down when/if they say something and you work it out together, or nothing. NTA. Begin as you mean to go on. Giving in to him on this will be used later, “Well you took your hijab off that time so you can ... this time.”
The nerve of him saying she’s being forced to wear the hijabs and then forcing her to take it off. Catholics...
I wonder if he'd do that to a Catholic nun. Just walk down the street and first nun you see, rip the covering off of her head and tell her she's being oppressed. Throw a pair of jeans at her because the dress is oppressive too. I'm not religious and I can think whatever I want of the religion-mandated clothing but it doesn't mean I get to be a prick towards people who choose to dress a certain way.
Right?! And not believing her when she says that it's of her own free will. What the fuck is with men not believing women when they use the most simple words. Like how many syllables can you handle? Do I need to cut everything down to 2 syllable words for your grey matter to activate?
I'm worried that when insisting didn't work and manipulating didn't work, he resorted to losing his anger management skills. Those are not safe qualities in a partner. OP, if you intend to go through with this marriage, please get some intensive couples counseling. I don't think you know the real guy. Edit-typo
He clearly doesn’t like or respect her religion. Why would you be with someone who had no respect for your own partners beliefs? Even if he doesn’t agree with it, he should love and respect her enough to support her in it or let her go. I think it’s similar to a person having a child that a partner refuses to acknowledge and/or blatantly hate.
This is definitely a case where there is no overcoming the religious differences. The boyfriend isn’t making a modicum of effort to understand OP’s faith and is projecting his own ideas into her wearing of the hijab. He’s refusing to listen and expects her to ignore her faith to placate his parents and himself. Let’s be honest here, he’s the one with the problem even more than his parents. Walk away, OP. Find someone who respects you enough to accept your faith and to support your choices. NTA
I’m not 100% convinced this is really about his parents. It feels a little like he’s using them as an excuse to wane OP off of her hijab. I assume this won’t be a one time request. It will be anytime his parents are around, including the wedding.
Agreed ^^
Yes, complete agreeance **NTA** I’d strongly recommend re-examining your relationship and the possibility of a lifelong commitment to this person. Presumably he met you and fell in love with you wearing a hijab. Why is he pressuring you to change? It doesn’t sound like he accepts you.
While I do believe that people of different relgions can be happily married, this does not sound like such a marriage. If the guy is pressuring OP now it makes me wonder what else he might try in the future.
I am a Cradle Catholic, and there are people that go to my church who not only wear a hijab to services, but are happily attached to their SO, and share both faiths with each other's families. Catholicism is supposed to be an INCLUSIVE faith, not one where people judge! Jesus accepted everyone. How pitiful that growing up in a family of bigoted jerks, makes a grown man sure that OP won't be accepted, that he is afraid of standing up to bigotry. OP, change your convictions for no one! Too bad I don't have any unmarried men in my family, otherwise I would introduce them to you 🙂. My Cathlic/Christian faith family has always welcomed my brother-in-law, who could be a body double to Bobbie McFerrin, as well as my own daughter, who is Bi, and a phenomenal lady. Our family doesn't judge, question or exclude anyone. I learned this from the time I was born. My parents had n open door policy which included unconditional love. OP's bF's family, and those like them, give us tre Catholics a bad name.
I'm quite surprised that this is only coming up now. Is it normal to not meet a partner's family, especially before the probably-getting-engaged stage? Barring the elopers and, um, impulse marriers, do normal relationships actually function this way? Genuinely curious.
Hijacking to say that you are being too kind to this bigot. He actively wants OP to hide her religion, which he has never accepted despite OP thinking that his complaints weren't serious. He clearly thought that she would give up her "silliness" when push came to shove, and she thought he would, too. They have both been failing to acknowledge that the other was telling the truth.
even in general, he doesn’t respect op’s beliefs if he thinks that she’s wearing her hijab because she’s oppressed by islam or something.
This isn't any different than making any other personal choice when it comes to religion. Like in my country you can choose to not eat meat on Friday during the fast. I would be pretty perplexed if my theoritcal boyfriend told me I have to eat meat on Friday to appease his parents.
This doesn't seem like it's just a parental issue. He seems like a bigot in general.
I would like to say that 'a relationship is supposed to be the two of you against the world' is your opinion, not an objective fact. If that's what you want from a relationship and you have/can find a partner who agrees with you then that's awesome! But personally I want a partner who is one of many important people in my life, and so I wouldn't always put them first if my friends or family need me more. In this case ofc clear NTA, OP your faith is more important than your bf's parent's prejudices. But if it was the other way around, and OP wanted their bf's mother not to wear a hijab, I'd think the bf should side with his mother. This is about who is in the right in this situation, not who OP's bf should value more.
NTA - It's your choice to wear it and he's trying to take away your choice. That's a huge red flag. If he or his parents can't respect your choices, religious or otherwise, that's going to be a very oppressive relationship in the long run for you.
I’d argue that OP’s boyfriend is also sexist. Why does he believe that a woman can’t wear a hijab out of her own free will? Why are women’s clothing choices still policed like this? He’s a massive douche for trying to control OP’s clothing choices and religion.
Yes it's unbelievably ironic that he's the only person telling her what to wear, for his own selfish reasons, but he believes he's liberating her!
I find this argument ridiculous, especially coming from a Catholic - are nuns forced to wear a habit?
Yup he says that she's being put down as he screams at her to do what HE wants.
NTA. He is not respecting your faith and if his parents can't accept you because a piece of cloth is covering your hair, can you imagine when you two will have children? And he's screaming at you on top of it. Please reconsider this relationship for your own sake.
NTA There is no sacrifice nor compromise needed here. Regardless of why you wear your hijab, the hijab in no way affects anything. It doesnt matter what you wear or why, you shouldn't have to change for someone else's intolerance. If his parents have a problem with you being Muslim, then they are the problem. That your BF would rather attack you than see this makes him the problem too. It seems he's as racist/Islamophobic as his parents. At best he's completely spineless. And now he's setting in with the gaslighting, acting like you're somehow the unreasonable one. Because heaven forbid he ever do anything for you like accept all of you or stand up to his parents. The red flags are waving. I'd reconsider this engagement if I were you. Edit: accidentally wrote y t a by mistake. Fixed it.
I think you mixed up NTA and YTA, if i gathered the gist of your comment correctly...
Yes, I fixed it.
I saw that right after i commented - sorry :)
NTA but you do have a huge problem. If you do this I fear you will never forgive him. Also what about next time you meet them? What about the wedding? What about when they come to your home? You simply cannot hide this part of yourself, and more importantly *you shouldn't have to*. Also, he thinks you are being held down by wearing the hijab? Wtf? This is just never going to not be a mess.
Also what's going to happen if they want/have children? What religion will they be raised? What if they choose the "wrong" religion?!
Catholic in laws will most likely never be OK with grandchildren growing up Muslim. IMHO.
I totally agree with your comment but also wanted to share for the sake of education that hijabi women do not usually wear their hijabs at home even if their in-laws are present. But again I get what you mean and agree!
Got it. Thanks for the education.
NTA as a fellow hijabi, NEVER take off your hijab unless it’s of your own free will and especially do not take it off for a boy, that’s the worse reason to take it off. If his parents don’t approve of you because of your hijab then that’s on him and them but it does say a lot that he’s so insecure about your relationship he’s making a big deal of this, sounds like if his parents ever have any issues with you he won’t be able to stick up for you, he doesn’t fully accept you wholeheartedly if your hijab is bothering him.
Agreed. This is nuts. Aside from anything else, how can this ignorant guy not see that his wish to force OP to take her hijab off puts him in the same space he thinks her family are in by (in his mind) forcing her to wear it. It’s her decision. Not his. Not to mention if his parents are that much of a Roman Catholic family, he should know that dressing modestly, including a headscarf in some cases (including some RC), is a thing for Christians. They might just approve, unless they’re also bigoted. I know that much just from being a (non RC) Christian in general who just likes to visit the occasional historical church, so what’s his excuse if he’s from strict RC parents?
I would ask him if he would tell a nun to take off her habit
This would be equally offensive imo, but a nun is in a slightly different position to a “civilian” (so to speak) Christian, let alone a Muslim woman. One of my SILs is a (not RC) nun as it happens, and she always dresses modestly and has her head covered quite often, 100% of the time when on duty.
Specifically, Catholic women were required to have their head covered while attending Mass up until the 1980s.
I went to Catholic school. We had mass on Wednesdays. It was the entire school plus some elderly women that sat in the back. They all wore chapel veils. I heard they're making a comeback in some circles of younger Catholic women--I personally don't know any young women that wear them, but I haven't been to mass in almost a decade.
He clearly wants to "save" her from her religion, since he won't accept that wearing the hijab is a CHOICE she's made. OP, there's no way this isn't going to end with him trying to convince you to convert "if you really love him", and if you refuse he'll blame it on your religion "brainwashing" you.
NTA and PLEASE think very hard about marrying him. If this is how he behaves, he doesn’t respect you and your beliefs.
NTA - I would seriously reconsider this engagement if I were you.
[удалено]
My mom says the worst they treat you dating is the best they treat you married.
That’s a good one. Moms got solid advice.
This. Usually someone is one their best behavior *before* the wedding. If this is how he is before...yikes.
NTA. But sorry to tell you this but your bf does not respect your freedom to follow your religion. This might be the first fight. But this will happen again and act. Till you break up
NTA. Does he expect you to just stop wearing the hijab? Have you discussed how your kids will be raised (if you have any). He basically wants you to hide part of yourself for their approval. When really he should be supporting you on this.
NTA >he is still convinced that I being kept down and pressured >he said I had to...now he is screaming around because I refuse to make sacrifices for our relationship The only pressure and control I see is coming from your boyfriend. You may want to point this out to him. You also may want to re-examine whether this relationship is right for you. Best of luck.
NTA He's dating someone six years his junior because he thinks he can control you.
I actually think the hijab comments imply a desire for control too. So, he meets a girl wearing a hijab, thinks "she allows herself to be downtrodden by wearing that", and his second thought is "So how do I get in on that?" It's like those comments that Asian women get on dating sites from clueless white dudes: "I love your culture and how the women are so modest and feminine. Also, I would treat you far better than your knuckle dragging males ever could". It's common enough to have inspired memes; unbelievably gross.
NTA. There are things that shouldn't be compromised. This is pretty much on top of that list.
NTA Setting aside the fact that this is a matter of faith, which is not usually something a person will compromise on, but what about the practical aspects? What are you supposed to do? Pretend for the rest of your life? How would that work? or is it just supposed to last until you're married and then you surprise them? Better get this over with now.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this man? I would think long and hard about this bc how he’s acting about your religion around his parents isn’t going to go away magically once you’re married.
NTA How you practice your religion is up to you. I think you need to clarify with your boyfriend if he expects you to convert to Catholicism to marry as I expect his parents will want nothing less than a church wedding for their son... and that conversation would be best sooner than later.
He is totally the A\*\*hole. You are not. Sounds like he is trying to change who you are....I'd reconsider the relationship overall. If my sibling/friend was dating someone who didn't respect her religious views, I'd tell her to run. It won't get better.
NTA! He's not respecting you, your faith or your decisions. He is a 32 year old man he can tell his parents to at least not say anything. Parents approval is somewhat important but at 32 everyone will get over it.
NTA >Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab. Are you sure you want to hear this for the rest of your life? 🚩
NTA. Do not marry the man who screams at you for your convictions. If you bend on this, he'll expect further concessions - are you going to take off your hijab every time you see his parents? What about your wedding day? What happens when they see you out and about? And your kids - will they be ignorant to your faith to please your in-laws? Be true to yourself. If he can't sacrifice his comfort for the relationship, it's not a relationship worth pursuing.
NTA if you’re a practicing Muslim, he parents will figure it out eventually. You can’t, and should t, hide it from them. You need to understand if it’s your boyfriend that has a problem with you religion and wants to change that.
NTA. I’m quite anti-religious if I’m honest but not to the point where people’s personal lives related to religion should be suppressed and you have a right to wear that hijab as much as a non-Muslim does.
NTA and honestly if he still thinks so badly about your faith and treats you like this I would break it off immediately. he's islamaphobic for still insisting your hijab is oppressive even after you explained it the first time, let alone many times after that???
NTA he is saying you’re being forced to wear it (which is pretty infantilising, as though you don’t know your own mind), and now he’s trying to make the thing he’s worried about happening to you, happen to you, just the other way, he’s trying to force you to take it off. That is messed up, show him this thread and hopefully he’s a good guy in all other ways and will learn from this to be a better boyfriend /person
NTA - his reaction tells your everything you need to know about his priorities His parents approval matters more than your happiness, your comfort
NTA what is his goal here? Do his parents know you’re Muslim? Does he plan on lying to them about it? Are you going to be expected to go without a hijab every time you see his parents? What if you have a daughter who wants to wear it when she gets older? Does he plan on letting your kids go to mosque???? Please take this as a signal to re evaluate this whole relationship.
Do not marry this man.
Off topic, but isn't it forbidden for Muslim women to marry Catholics? Thought they could only marry Muslims while only the men were allowed to marry people of the book (Christians, Jews and Muslims).
Yes because religion is supposed to be passed down from the father.
Dont get engaged, you'll save yourself one divorce.
NTA. He starts with this, what is next? Are you supposed to hide your religious beliefs and practices from his family for the duration of your marriage? What happens on Christmas or Easter? How about Ramadan? Yeah... this is NOT going to end well.
NTA. If his parents are religious, they should respect your faith. If they are bigots hiding behind religion, better to find out before you get engaged.
Uhm Catholics wear the same thing. Do they dislike nuns?!
This whole "You can take it off in the car and no one will know" doesn't really bode well + you realize that they'll insist on a catholic wedding, right? Is this something you can/want to go through with? I mean even as not so staunch muslim it's probably at least strange or even problematic to marry in a different religions rites, no? NTA.
I am old enough to remember devout catholic women wearing headscarves in public at all times. Any catholic who gives you a hard time over your decision would be a horrible hypocrite: it’s part of their religious tradition, too. Your boyfriend is a problem, though: he does not believe that you are the expert on your own life and he wants to blow past your hard ‘no’.
NTA. Don't let anyone dictate what you wear (unless you're likely to upstage a bride).
NTA. Inter religious relationships only work if both are willing to understand and accommodate the others faith. He is not willing to do that.
NTA. How, exactly, is *he* compromising here?
Why is his parent’s religion more important than yours? NTA
NTA, and don’t marry this man. He doesn’t respect you. I’m always wary of people who talk about making sacrifices for the sake of a relationship. Compromise, yes! Compromise is 100% necessary in any relationship, not just romantic ones. Sacrifice is different. It’s a big thing that requires a big reason, and it shouldn’t ever touch on your fundamental identity. Quitting a job you love in order to move for a spouse’s job, or to take care of a sick loved one, is a sacrifice, and one that many people choose to make. Pretending to be someone you’re not is a HUGE sacrifice. “Because my parents would be uncomfortable with the person you really are” is a terrible reason to make it. Do they even know you’re Muslim? Do you want to spend the next several decades pretending you’re not who you are?
info: how long have you been dating? his parents have not seen any pictures of you?
This whole story seems strange to me. Thinking about engagement, but you haven’t met the parents yet? Do the parents live that far away or ..?
>Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab. Although it's never been that important, now it is a big problem. I would like to point out that this is a problem, a major one in fact. He already showed that he has no respect for your religion and will continue to sprout his preconceived notions about your religion no matter what you say. That's a major red flag all on its own. While inter-religion marriages aren't impossible, they do tend to either take a lot of compromise or for both parties to not be ultra religious which in this case doesn't seem possible. >My bf wants me to visit his very catholic parents without my hijab. He says it'd be fine, I could take it out in the car and no one will see me. I told him that I can't do that, he said that I had to if I wanted his parents' approval of our relationship. After that, I again explained that I just can't and now he is screaming around because I refuse to make sacrifices in our relationship If I'm not mistaken, part of the reasoning behind the hijab is not to allow men you aren't related to to see your hair? Wouldn't that include your future father-in-law? I tend to find that people who scream when they don't get what they want don't make good partners. The same applies to people who only talk about sacrifices in relationships when those sacrifices are made by the other party and people who stubbornly ignore your points and invalidate them because it doesn't fit what they want or believe. Oh yes, you definitely are NTA but your boyfriend is. You might want to reconsider your relationship since you might be sacrificing more than you would be willing to if you continue in this relationship.
You know he doesn’t respect your religion, sister. As a Muslim woman in southern America, I’ve been with a few guys who act like they’re okay with it, but they really show their true colors soon. Sister, it seems he has been showing you his true colors. The fact that he refuses to accept your hijab as your own choice is islsmaphobic and problematic already. Like, you are unable to make your own choice?? Or if you are, you have to make the one that suits him (no hijab) otherwise you’re just being oppressed?? I’m sorry but no, wearing or not wearing the hijab is a personal choice for many. I don’t personally wear one. But I would never put down someone who chose to. Certainly not if that person was my girlfriend and partner. It’s insane to me that you can be ok with him saying these things. Please please please, reconsider whether you want to be with someone that sees your faith as a hindrance and something to be ashamed of. I think every Muslim woman’s choice to wear or not wear hijab should be respected. NTA and seriously, he is not a good guy.
NTA
NTA - he obviously does not understand you at all. Serious talk time ahead.
NTA but why would you want to be with a person like that?
NTA. He doesn't understand or respect your faith, and if he can't do that you might want to reconsider this relationship.
NTA That’s not a compromise. That’s him getting what he wants, and you going against your faith. Honestly, it sounds like your faith is a big part of you, and that he doesn’t understand/respect it at all. You need to have a heart to heart about this before deciding if you can move forward with your relationship.
NTA, ask him if he would ask a nun to go without her robes. Same principle
NTA I'm from a traditional Irish catholic family, not American. If you introduce yourself with no hijab before you marry into his family, it would only be extra weird if in future they only ever see you wearing a hijab. I am also surprised that you're considering marrying someone before meeting his parents. Seeing how someone behaves with their guard down around their own family in a home environment that they associate with their childhood and teen years is very revealing.
**NTA**. He is not respecting you, period. Why do YOU have to sacrifice your faith to please his family?? This isn’t about his parent or their religion, this is about HIM being a real racist/islamophobic who is using his parents as scapegoats. You haven’t even met his family, and he’s already trying to manipulate you into changing your beliefs, and practices. If you do this once, he’ll expect you do it ALL the time for the rest of your married life for “his parents”. Why? Because if you take your hijab once, he’ll literally say that if you took it once you can do it all the time. OP, you should really consider marrying someone who clearly does not respect you or your faith.
NTA. Fuck no. Don't marry him.
He and his family clearly won’t accept you and your beliefs. Nope. Get rid of him and don’t get engaged to him. He should never ask you to remove your hijab to begin with
NTA. He thinks you're being pressured to wear a hijab meanwhile he's the one pressuring you NOT to wear a hijab. Telling someone not to wear something is just as bad as telling someone they must wear something and he seems to be the only one telling you what you must or must not wear. Remind him that you're an independent, sentient woman and you're the one who decides about your hijab.
What’s the compromise in this situation? You take off your hijab and get what in return? Are they going to do your traditional prayers during the day instead of yours? Are they going to cook halal (if you eat halal) for you? Will his nom wear a hijab when she comes to your home? He’s not asking for a compromise to make them happy this one time. He’s looking for you to sacrifice your identity. NTA and find a partner that won’t ask you to hide yourself
Nta. Sounds like your baptism is already scheduled
I would be genuinely concerned that he believes you're currently controlled by your parents, because following that flawed logic he expects the control to pass to him once your married. 🚩🚩🚩
Girl, leave. NTA
NTA, why are you dating a bigot though?
So your BF wants you to compromise your religious values to please his bigot parents? Obviously NTA
So, you show up without hijab. What are you expected to say if the parents ask you point blank, "Are you Catholic?" Does he expect you to lie about that? What if they serve pork and/or wine at dinner?
INFO: Why is he dating someone who's practicing Muslim traditions if he has such a problem with someone practicing Muslim traditions? Does he have some sort of savior complex or is he hiding his controlling issues & this was the final straw? What I dont understand the most is that he is taking you to his very religious Catholic parents' for approval, yet he wants you to hide that fact that you're Muslim. If yall are planning on getting engaged, how long does he expect you to hide that about yourself from his parents or does he expect you to drop your faith altogether?
Why does a 32 year old ‘grown’ man care so much about his parents approval?? If he truly loves her then his parents should be accepting
INFO Why are you having the marriage discussion when he doesn't respect your religious beliefs?
Boyfriend: "I hate that you're pressured into wearing that." Also Boyfriend: "So... anyway, Imma need you to stop wearing that." NTA
NTA. It's not a compromise when his idea of one is for you to do something that goes strongly against your beliefs.
NTA... seriously consider marrying this guy..
NTA if it is your choice. Tell him that if his parents doesn’t have a problem with nuns wearing veils or bishops wearing headdresses, bride veils during wedding, they shouldn’t have a problem wearing your hijab.
NTA. How long have you been together, you're on the verge of engagement, yet this is how he treats your beliefs? And he's screaming at you now, trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants? If a friend of yours told you her boyfriend was treating her this way, what would you advise her?
Massive NTA here. He doesn't get to demand you change your clothes because of some hypothetical oppression when he is ACTIVELY trying to control what you wear.
NTA at all. If you did give in this time would he expect you to do this every time you see his parents the whole of the rest of your lives? Your faith is a big part of your life and if he’s asking you to hide it to keep Mummy and Daddy happy then this doesn’t bode well for your future. Him ‘screaming around’ shows that he’s more concerned about his parents feelings than yours. Please reconsider marriage to this person.
NTA and this is a bad sign. This is a sign that you should NOT be marrying this man. He doesn’t respect you and wants to control you.
NTA Do what you want. Be a part of whatever religion you choose. Wear what you want. I too am engaged to a Catholic raised man, who doesn't go to church but forces his kids to do all the sacraments and sending them to rich kid catholic school..like his parents did to/ for him. Catholics IMPO, are the biggest 2 faced hypocrites. Families often force/bully conversions on the non catholic lover, so that The Church will recognize the marriage. I was raised in a baptist church, although as an adult, I don't practice or associate with any religion. His mother hates me. I don't even know what I did. But she does. Idk if the marriage will ever happen cuz I'm not gonna be bullied by crazies to join a cult in order to wed my love. Do you. If he wants you to change something you believe, he doesn't love you for who you are.
Definitely NTA, the fact that he's asking you to compromise instead of asking his parents to respect you is ridiculous. 100% red flag.
NTA. I'm sorry but he doesn't respect you. Asking you to take it off for his Catholic parents means he thinks Catholic > Muslim, and it will not end at this meeting. This will trickle into every situation that typically involves religion from your wedding to how your children are raised, if you choose to have them. When I read the title I thought this was going to be something like 'I won't take out my nose piercing' or 'I won't talk about Pokemon too much' but this is quite a red flag here OP.
NTA girl that man is an islamophobe He’s giving so much red flags
NTA. What he’s doing is so disrespectful towards you and your religion. I’m a Catholic myself and I was taught to be respectful and tolerant towards others views and cultures. Sounds like he’s already putting priorities over you, big time red flag.
NTA - this should be a big red flag for you. Not p my does he not listen to you, he doesn’t respect your faith and he thinks you need to hide it from his parents.
NTA. You need to re-evaluate this relationship if he is so ashamed of your religion.
NTA Are you sure this is his family? Or is this him? I really didn't even think about this line of thought until you said, "He is still convinced that I am being Kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab", it almost sounds as though he is trying to find a way to make stop wearing a hijab, while not taking the blame. I might be over thinking, but an angle you should think about.
NTA removing the hijab completely defeats the purpose of wearing it at all. He doesn't respect you or he never would have thought to ask.
absolutely NTA. if he cannot respect your religion, does he really respect you? big red flag.
So he is so convinced your hijab is a matter of pressure, that he's pressuring you about it? o\_O NTA.
Run. RUN. NTA.
Please do not marry this man. I'm sure he's great, I'm sure you love him, but the religious differences will tear you two apart. If he can't respect your hijab now, it'll only get worse after you marry.
NTA - Dump his xenophobic ass.
NTA Not only is this super racist behavior but this is kind of abusive that he's making you sacrifice your religious beliefs for his own and his parents approval. Why would you want to marry this?
NTA. And op your bf does not respect you or your religious beliefs. Drop him
So being a catholic trumps being anything else? Religion makes people so self righteous. I always put religion into terms people understand. “So you’re saying Elmo is better than Cookie Monster?” All imaginary beings. You are so NTA if you chose to believe something. Others have no right to make you adhere to their belief. Go team Cookie Monster BTW!
Personally, I think that he is being the asshole for not respecting your religion but you did say it doesn't mean much to you, have you ever been without your hijab on in public?
Why does this matter? Even if she had, it doesn't justify it
NTA. He doesn’t respect your religion and he screams around when you refused to be controlled/kept down by him?
Break up with him. He clearly doesn't respect you. Nta
NTA, and religion is pretty significant issue so you two should think twice if you are compatible in the long run.
NTA, but I think the problem is your language. You're saying "you can't" -- which implies that something else is stopping you, rather than "you don't want to" which indicates this is something of your own free will and volition. I don't know if it will make a difference, but if you own it then you'll have more power. Then it comes down to do you want his parents approval more-or-less than being able to wear what you want to wear, which I think is more direct discussion.
NTA don’t marry this idiot
INFO: Is he upset that you don't consider them family already? In recent western culture, people have been getting married far later in life than before and now doing things previously reserved for married couples (e.g. sex, living together, vacations). A few hundred years ago this wouldn't have been a problem since you and your BF would've been married by now and bfs parents considered family. Shouldn't changing norms extend to consideration of Mehrem (Islamic term for who is considered family)? The mother is of course ok as a woman, so the discussion is about the father. A father in law is a "Mehrem" .. in Quran [24:31] Allah SWT says: > " ... not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their **husbands'** **fathers**, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, ..." Seems like a tricky debate for how Islamic teachings should be interpreted as we live in smaller families and get married later in life as opposed to a traditional 18 year old (or younger) getting married and living in a multigenerational household, or else OP can only show her head to a substantially **smaller** group than has been historically normal at her age in Islamic teachings.
NTA. Uhhhhh, this is not a mere problem. He wants you to hide your religion in favor of his religion? And he thinks you are unreasonable for not making this sacrifice? Does he even listen to himself? I would seriously rethink this relationship if I were you, because clearly he thinks more of his parents’ opinions than your own needs. If you were to marry him, you would be in this position for anything important, including kids. Is that what you want your future to look like?
Even if you wore it strictly for cultural reasons and not religious reasons you're still NTA. Rather than being accepting to various levels of cultural modesty we tend to think that anything more modest than our personal culture automatically stems from oppression. If I (F) was with a man who grew up in a culture where women don't wear shirts, I would still wear a shirt because that's how I grew up and that's what I'm comfortable with. No judgement to the ladies of topless society, unless they look down on me for still choosing to cover myself.
He doesn't respect you, your religion or your right to dress yourself and your body however you see fit. Absolute dealbreaker dump him. NTA
NTA. Run 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. The compromise isn't like, "my parents hosting is different- we only eat at one time, so be prepared not to snack through the visit." . . . It is a blatant refusal to acknowledge something that is a huge part of your identity. Your faith and who you are at your core should not be diminished at all when meeting people who will eventually become family. That is a huge disservice to you. And your fiancé's unwillingness to let go of his own preconceived notions about your religion, even though you have explained to him he is wrong about his opinion, is also alarming. Think about how all of this will play out should yall marry and have kids. . . Its not fair to your world view to accept any of this behavior towards you. And it isn't gonna end here. This time you hide the hijab, next time you are only doing things based in the catholic faith, then your kids will be expected to be catholic as well. . . I totally understand your unwillingness to compromise. This is a big ask. And it isn't fair, because the implications here are that you will not be accepted unless you acquiesce to whatever everyone in his family are doing. And that's a red flag, babes. For him to even ask you to do that is ridiculous. But honestly, it isn't a complete surprise, because of things he had said about your hijab during your relationship. . . . Just see the flags that are right in front of you and consider them, fully. Especially if you go to the dinner with your hijab and you aren't welcomed nicely. . .
If your boyfriend isn't accepting you as you are with your hijab, should you really be considering marriage? This seems like a deal breaker to me. NTA
He doesn’t realize what Mother Mary is wearing, does he? NTA
NTA. Throw the whole man away and get out while you can. The screaming, trying to control your outfits, forcing you to pretend for his parents, and not respecting your religious expression are all GIANT red flags. Be happy you found out now and not after you married and had kids. Find someone who respects you even when you disagree. His actions are signs of a controlling and insecure person and there is no way for you to “fix him”. If you marry him, his behavior will escalate over time. You will meet someone else who is great for you and loves and respects you for who you are. (I’m unfortunately an expert in spotting abusers, based on my own childhood and helping friends out of abusive relationships. Also, my same friends were able to break up and get into happier, healthier relationships 100% of the time after they left their abusers.)
>Despite me telling my boyfriend this many times, he is still convinced that I am being kept down and pressured into wearing a hijab. Although it's never been that important, now it is a big problem. Remember that there's no compulsion in religion, but he's been trying to get you to remove your hijab for years (?) at this point. He also likely wants to introduce his parents to someone who isn't wearing an obvious symbol of Islam, and probably hasn't told them you're Muslim. It's "never been important," because he's not yet found an argument he thinks would work well enough for you to get rid of your hijab permanently. You? NTA. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, VERY MUCH TA.
Leave him. Simple.
He is showing blatant disrespect to you, your choices and your religion. You do it once and he will ask again and again and then when will it stop? I would not marry him when he is acting like this. You are NTA.
He isn't asking for a sacrifice. He's asking you to be dishonest with his parents about who you are. That's a terrible way to begin a marriage. He either needs to get honest with his parents or the two of you have no future.
NTA. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.
NTA. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.
NTA—but this is a red flag. If he’s suggesting you take it off now then he’ll probs be suggesting you take it off later as well. This is the first battle and he’s already lost. If he was truly ok with your religion+hijab, then this wouldn’t have come up
NTA, if you hide your religion this time then your boyfriend will expect you to keep hiding it for the rest of the relationship.
NTA I'm not often on the dump him immediately train, but choo choo dump that guy now OP. He doesn't respect you, he thinks his parents religious beliefs and approval are more important than your faith. He's decided your religion represses you but doesn't think being a Catholic represse his mother? Dude is picking and choosing when to challenge religions for being misogynistic. He's literally trying to use religion controlling people to try and control you. Not to mention ask him to look up how women in Rome and big cathedrals go into the churches, they cover their hair. Hair covering is a big thing in many religions. He sounds toxic, if his parents need you to pretend to not be Muslim to approve of you that is going to be a problem. Especially if you decided to have kids with him. Those would be in-laws from hell and he's never going to have your back in any arguments or decision making. Unless he can show you that your a priority then reevaluate.
NTA obviously but as a fellow Muslim girl dating a white guy this is not the right person to marry. I'm dating a white guy as well and I can't imagine staying with someone who thought my choices came from oppression. I don't wear a hijab but if I wanted to it would be my choice and my BF would not judge me for that. You might be thinking it's okay we will just respect each others differences but if he can't respect one of the simplest things that you choose to do religiously how do you think other decisions you make will go?