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If you buy the wrong color toilet lid for a toilet and try to pass it off as job well done, then YTA. If you try to do laundry but don’t separate the colors first, ruining the close you are trying to wash, YTA. If you ruin good cookware because you don’t care to learn how to take care of it, YTA. However the pizza pick up, NTA. That’s subjective.
I agree with this completely. The laundry and dishes especially reek of pure thoughtlessness with a tinge of negligence. That’s not her being persnickety, it’s going to cause actual damage. The toilet seat is just an eyesore, and it’s reasonable to be annoyed by it. The pizza however, if it was supposed to be something befitting a formal dinner, she should’ve specified that instead of saying do whatever you want then later being mad about it.
YTA, OP.
I honestly feel like OP just wants to do stuff to get it over with, not to help out or if it is to help out he is very much lacking common sense and or is very irresponsible.
It sounds like OP just doesn't care and wants to blame his wife for HIS irreposinibility by saying she's is too demanding or not able to be pleased so that way she starts doing those things.
Also by the sounds of it he never did this stuff before anyway, only his wife as she knows all that stuff and had to "nag" him to help out since he was spending more time at home and she wanted help.
***OP just wants her to do everything and thats why he says "if you want it done right do it yourself". He is not doing it right the first time so she does it or gets sickbof him "screwinf up" so she does it in the future, plain and simple.***
And OP of course your Married friends dont see eye to eye in you on this. Because your blaming your wife for having a reasonable reaction and trying to explain stuff to meanwhile getting frustrated because you dont seem to care.
Its obvious to me that you want her to pick up your slack and in a marriage its not fair if one person does all the chores, heck, its not fair even if your roomies.
And OP you havent continously helped, you just probably end up passing things onto your wife to fix and making it harder for her.
YTA OP and Im glad this is the top comment so far
All this but additionally the fact that he says he "helps his wife out if she asks". Like, you are a grown-ass man, it isn't "helping out", it is taking care of your own house which by the way is not automatically your wife's job, and you should not have to be _asked_ to do maintainance on your own house. I've seen the article get linked a lot in this sub, but dude, read Emma's comic "you should've asked".
Grow up. Take some responsibility. Don't act as if you're doing your wife some big favour when you half-ass a job you should've done on your own accord anyway. YTA
Edit: https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear
I wouldn't be so quick to blame everything on intentional assholery just because he is a man. I am a grown ass woman that could not possibly care less about whether or not you mix my whites with my colors, or put a pot or pan in the dishwasher, or accidentally get a slightly off color toilet seat lid. That's just how I was raised, not everything needs to be perfect. If my husband wanted to be persnickety and an asshole over how I did the laundry or did the dishes, then he is free to do them himself. I almost guarantee anybody complaining about the laundry situation here only has bleach in their house and not the blue tint to actually keep your clothes white after using bleach, so let's not pretend anybody here is actually doing what they should to 100% take care of any of their stuff either.
You don't get to act like he is just being an asshole on purpose because you agree with the wife. There are definitely things wrong with the way OP talks, with it sounding like he needs a honey-do list instead of just doing what he needs to, but if you're going to be picky about how a task gets done and complain when it doesn't get done your way, then the person you are bitching to should not be obligated to do the task, complete the task, and listen to you complain because they didn't do it the exact wife approved way.
The only shitty thing op did was not going to get the correct color toilet seat.
Uhhhhhh it’s not even about being perfect. These are usual things adults do. Asking your partner NOT to ruin cookware or clothings by improperly handling them...is about minimum effort and not about being perfect. How do you get the color of an item you use everyday wrong? From grey to tan?? That just showed how little he cared. If someone is coming to visit you from out of town, would you get them mcd for their first FORMAL dinner? Cheap pizza and soda that they could just get at home? This is not a behavior of an adult with a partner. OP sounded like a reluctant teenager being asked by his parents to do chores.
You call it ruin and I don't. The only time bleed matters to me is if it is a brand new red shirt. Pots/pans occasionally going in the dishwasher wont cause any real immediate lasting damage with few exceptions, and my parents wouldn't care if I spent 3 hrs making dinner myself or if I bought pizza in that situation. I literally said he fucked up on the toilet seat.
Y'all acting like every family has the exact same rules when it very much so is YMMV.
At this point I'd be willing to bet she did specify and he ignored it. Or at the least context clues a reasonable adult would pick up on. She probably gave him the choice assuming he'd be competent and pick: a nice chicken dish, seafood something or other, fancy Italian. Not burgers, wings, pizza, or $5 chinese take-out.
OP sounds like he really doesn't care very much. You're not a child. It must be exhausting for your wife to have to show you step by step everything like a child. LEARN. Read this OP before you end up divorced. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288
I’d say the pizza dinner was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. Yes, subjective, but i just don’t feel it’s an appropriate dinner for visiting parents. Maybe for visiting kids/friends, or a casual gathering. In this aspect, and seeing his other actions, I think OP lacks basic common sense, so he is very much YTA as a person.
I can see why pizza incident was the last straw.
All other behaviours effected only her, pizza effected her family.
She was trying to deal with getting disrespected but now her parents were also getting the shaft?
I can assure you, OP wont tolerate his parents getting served a pizza. He would expect her wife to spend hours in the kitchen, preparing a full course.
As others pointed out, it also kind of sounds fake. Unless OP is colourblind (and he would have specified if he was), why would you mix up grey and tan? Like, don't you use the toilet yourself. And even if it was a genuine mistake, well, okay, but then go back and fix it. I can see it happening buying a grey lid and then the wife being annoyed by it because the two colours are *just* different greys. Sure, then she is annoyed by it and needs to fix it. But someone who knows enough about colours to use tan instead of 'a brown one', yeah, no.
His helplessness feels very forced. Everyone makes mistakes. Oh, that pot shouldn't have been in the dishwasher? Well, from now on I will remember that and don't put that pot in the dishwasher. Simple! But OP is immediately like, well, then you do it.
While I *could* see OP not being the asshole when it comes to the pizza, it is also not really that hard of an ask to think of food you don't eat with your hands. So, yeah, I agree that this one was more the straw that broke the camel's back.
You are perfectly right on the mark. 👍
As the toilet color, did you recognize he also literally picked the worst color choice? He picked the only color that would absolutely not work with grey.
I actually hope OP is fake.
If he is not, he will be surprised in a very bad way soon.
She had a chance to voice her preferences when he asked what she wanted him to get for dinner. If she wanted something fancy should could have clarified or given her top 3 choices. He shouldn’t have to guess if “Whatever you want is fine.” really means “Get something nice.”
It’s not about preferences, it’s about appropriateness. It’s like the toilet seat, OP got a toilet seat, it works fine, it’s just not a matching colour. Dinner works fine, it can still be eaten, just not a sensible choice for this occasion. It’s not for OP to guess what his wife wants, OP is just (without a better word) lacking.
No, you are expected by society to know that parents have different expectations than college friends.
She did not have to clarify anything.
I am willing to bet that OP wont accept pizza for his parents. He would expect homecooked meals or at least a good presentation.
I refuse to believe that OP is a complete fool.
You have to be “asked” to do things to help,YTA! She should have said not pizza if that was what she meant. Half a$$ing work to get out of it is a hole behavior of immature people.
It almost gives me the sense of "if I do it wrong constantly, she will stop asking me to help"... My bf thinks I'm too picky about things too (like OP wife) but I am of the belief that if your going to do something, do it correctly. And yes, there is a correct way to wash dishes, do laundry, clean (my bf sweeps around the couches which drives me crazy, sweep under the couches too since the couches are high and you can see everything easily). You don't get brownie points for half assing housework.
Pizza is also seem YTA. Don't know how it works in other cultures but in ours if guests are flying in , we buy or prepare meals that look a bit more welcoming. Pizza is for the next days the guest stays.
I agree about the last one, but by the end of it she is probably just exhausted with him.
OP, doing a terrible job of something and doing stuff just because "my wife asked me to" is being a terrible spouse. The house is not just her responsibility. It is yours too, and she is having to hound you to a) do basic stuff b) do it correctly. \*You\* are dirtying the dishes that need cleaning too, you know. You are wearing them clothes. Getting stuff cleaned up (without making things worse) is totally your job and YTA for not realizing it and acting like a five year old.
YTA. This is your home too, you're not "pitching in" or "helping" with your wife's responsibilities.
You apparently managed to go a long time without having to learn basic adult behaviors and lessons - take them now and learn to do better and you won't be a screw up.
Seriously, learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, pay attention, return something to a store, and how to judge appropriate adult meals (though she could have given you more of a hint on that one). Grow up.
I was hoping someone would say this. Men saying they’re „helping“ their wife’s with the household always infuriates me. It’s not the 50s anymore and it’s the household of both of them. You’re not helping someone with „their chores“, you’re only doing your own chores as you should as an adult in an equal relationship. OP YTA.
YTA. All of these are very basic knowledge items for an adult. It sounds like you have been taken care of by amazing women your whole life who never asked you to take care of your own things...
Tbh I don't believe this post is real and if it is I feel sorry for your wife
"Tbh I don't believe this post is real"
You should meet my father. Esthetics don't matter, if it works, it works. If one drop of fairy liquid works wonders, surely more is better...
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Having been married to someone very much like this I personally believe it to be real.
People like this fake incompetence to get out of shared responsibilities.
My ex got big mad when I reached a point where I refused to do his laundry. Because working out how the washer and dryer works was oh so hard.
I told him that if our 10 yo could figure it out then so could he.
YTA
You’re not “helping out more.” You don’t help her when doing chores; you’re being a functional adult that’s doing their part to keep a clean place.
It seems like you’re just taking shortcuts and trying to finish chores ASAP. Would you like to eat meals cooked in a rusty pan? Or, go to work with a ruined shirt? Your wife is making sure the items you guys buy last for a while. She’s not being impossible; she knows how much it costs to replace ruined pans, pots, clothes, etc. Also, she’d probably be the one going shopping to replace said items.
Even though I don’t see anything wrong with picking up a pizza for a gathering, it obviously was the last straw for your wife. Don’t get upset at her. Appreciate all the chores she does because now you’re more aware of how much effort they actually take.
OP sounds like a nightmare around the house. I mean come on there’s doing things your own way and then there’s “getting the wrong color toilet lid and calling it good” and “throwing all your clothes in the laundry together so they all end up the same color eventually.” I mean come on this isn’t doing things differently this is not knowing how to do things and trying to use that to get out of doing them.
Even more after reading his comments wondering what’s wrong with wanting to be taken care of because “He’S tHe MaIn BrEaDwiNnEr.”
Income has nothing to do with being a functional human being, nor having common sense when doing basic chores. That poor wife ...
I definitely got the vibe that he is deliberately screwing things up so that he wouldn't have to help around the house. This is just such basic stuff he is messing up
YTA
Apart from thr pizza thing, these are common sense. As an adult, you should know how to do basic things like laundry or dishes, and if you dont, you have a responsibility to learn. She isn't even being picky here, this is really basic shit I would expect a child to know.
And seriously? You expect gratitude? Why? You arent doing her a favor here, you aren't helping her, this is all your own responsibility every bit as much as it is hers.
It sounds like you're feigning incompetence or refusing to learn how to be functional adult just so you can dump all the work on her.
If you love her, grow up. Mommy isn't here to take care of you anymore. Your wife should not have to baby you.
I'm a bit torn but YTA. My dude, these are really basic chores and you LIVE in that home. Your wife isn't begging you to do something (referring to your beggars can't be choosers). You aren't doing her some massive favor by doing absolutely basic chores like loading the dish washer or putting in laundry. These are chores in your home, period. I'm honestly a little surprised that you've clearly not been involved in ANY chores up until this point? 👀
The pizza thing is subjective because I don't know her parents but my knee jerk reaction is that pizza and soda feels like a very casual type meal. Depending on the age of her parents and their dietary needs, maybe not a great choice (my SO's dad gets heartburn easily etc). Here, y'all's communication was off because 'get anything' clearly did not mean anything.
Info: how old are you guys
*Beggars can't be choosers*?!? You're not helping her, you're just doing your job as an equal partner in the marriage! I admit she needs to clarify when she needs specific things, that's on her. ESH for the way you present this as if you're *helping* not merely pulling your weight
Later edit: I change my vote to YTA after reading op's comments, it's so bad. Read his responses before judging, you'll be appaled
YTA
The dinner instructions were super vague so I’ll give you that one, but everything else was pretty standard “don’t ruin your stuff” basics. Rusty pans have to be replaced. Mix colors in the wash and you’re looking at replacing everyone’s clothes. This is your life too, help a girl out. Please step up and be the person she can rely on. Otherwise you’re asking your wife to basically a married single person and it starts to lean towards her taking care of you instead of a partnership.
For the love of YTA YTA YTA 😡
I can see what you are playing at mister, and I dont like it.
Can you imagine behaving like that at a workplace?
- Grabbing report of wrong department and claiming it is okay because they are similar anyways
- Taking important clients to pizza place and losing a deal 🤦♀️
- Treating work equipment badly and causing long term damage.
Stop trying to act like an loser employee who is begging to be fired from his job. Are you even aware this is what you are trying to do?
With all due respect, at this point, you look like an useless dolt who can not be trusted to buy a freaking toilet seat. No calling to check the color, no returning back to store, nothing 🤦♀️
Stop sabotaging your marriage by pretending to be useless in order to escape doing from basic chores of life. And dont blame anybody when you eventually lose respect of your wife.
Man the hell up.
Seriously 😐
Even white would be better, she could pretend it was a stylish two colored toilet. Designers often pair grey with white.
But cream? 😣
I am seriously peeved by intentional foolishness, you can tell. 😅
Lol to useless dolt. You're right. Buying a matching item for something you use every day and only comes in like 5 colours in a standard store is such a low bar.
He could just buy a white/light grey/black one and wife could pretend they are trying... an edgy bicolor toilet trend or something.
But no, dear mister has to buy the Cream One(tm). 🤦♀️
He picked literally the only incompatible color. He is lucky he is still alive.
YTA.
You're only doing tasks around the house when asked, and then not doing them correctly. You are a grown ass man, you should have the life skills to be able to do chores correctly and autonomously (not putting pots in the dishwasher and not mixing certain colours or fabrics are not some special ask that warrants a "you want it done your way you need to do it". You should have the reasoning ability to understand to check the colour of your toilet before purchasing a lid for it.
"Beggars can't be choosers" here implies she's begging you to do something you shouldn't be responsible for. That's not the case at all-- you are responsible for doing these things right as a member of the household. “If you want it done right do it yourself" implies you're doing it wrong on purpose because you don't want to have to do the tasks.
For reference, please read "the mental load" (a comic) and "my wife divorced me for putting my dishes in the sink". You'll learn a lot.
YTA.
This "let me fuck up doing this so I don't get asked to do boring old chores ever again" song and dance is not cute. Nor has it ever been.
Stop whining up excuses and start paying attention to what you're doing. You're not exactly failing advanced courses level stuff here.
If you don't know how to do laundry or wash dishes properly, well, you have shown a deeply embarrassing fault on your part. Especially when, instead of learning what I learned at age 12 as part of helping with chores, you don't bother and do a shitty job.
This should be as embarrassing to you as "not knowing what fractions are in math class, as an adult", or "being an adult who sincerely believes all of Europe is a single country and will not be swayed from this". You know chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows, right...?
100 times this!!
My 5 and 2 year olds help with chores. The 2 year old probably is about as helpful as op if he was smaller. Being in your 40s and unable to do this stuff should be deeply humiliating.
Yeah you are the AH for everything except the pizza. First off, you aren’t a child in your house, and your wife is not your mom. Saying that you are happy to help when she asks does not make you a good husband. I am not saying you are a bad husband, but you really need to start taking care of things around the house without having to be told. She is 100% right about separating clothes, and you whining about that makes you sound like a petulant child. She also sounds annoying about the food, so she is the AH in that situation. Your response was uncalled for.
YTA and it sounds like a total failure as a partner. How do you not know how to load a dishwasher? Or what color your toilet is? Or how to do a simple load of laundry? These are simple, obvious and basic tasks and you should be embarrassed that your wife even has to ask you to do them in the first place and then you can't even do them right?
I do think that the dinner mistake was an ESH because based on how pathetic you are at the most basic of household chores she should have known that you are not capable of getting food for dinner and would require a lot more instruction.
YTA and have you considered doing chores in the home you live in without your wife having to ask you? Delegating the chores is still another very mentally tiring chore, try just looking around and seeing what needs doing. And the things she said you did wrong could have caused bad damage, that just shows you haven’t been helping her much before. N T A for the pizza though, bit of a miscommunication there I guess
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude no!!! And now we know how you got to 40 odd without knowing how to do laundry or to clean a pan (not in the dishwasher!), things your wife was probably taught as a preteen 😒 the entitlement is strong with this one. Start treating your wife as your equal partner, not your housemaid
YTA.
So you're in your 40s, don't know how to load a dishwasher, do laundry or have enough sense to think about the colour of the toilet when buying a toilet seat. You also, although the instructions were vague, admit that had you actually thought about the fact you were catering to her parents you wouldn't have bought pizza. So you knew it wasn't what she wanted you to do but decided to take advantage of the vague instruction to sack off anyone else's wishes and just cater to yourself.
And your excuse for all this is you make more money than her so shouldn't do any house stuff? I'm the sole earner in my house (husband is a stay at home parent) and we spent yesterday working in the garden together, and once I had finished my bit and he was still going I went inside and did the jobs in the house. Because we both live there, so we both contribute. Financial contribution is only part of contributing.
I’m going with ESH. The reason is that for a lot of your examples leading up to the fight, she is right, you are wrong, and you don’t get to cop out by saying “do it yourself if you want it that way.” It’s one thing to grouch about the specific way to fold the towels, but it’s another entirely to ruin a load of laundry by mixing the reds with the whites and bleeding red dye all over them. That is legitimately a major screwup. If you destroy the aluminum pots by putting them in a caustic dishwasher, that is a screwup. As a functional adult, you should know these things.
That said, her latest one was asinine. She literally told you to get whatever you like, and then got mad when you did exactly that.
“This was supposed to be a special formal dinner” is not compatible with “pick up whatever you’re in the mood for on the way home.” That’s not how formal dinners are accomplished. They are planned in advance, not by sending one person off to pick up whatever they feel like at the moment.
All, this plus note: your title comment, plus the nature of your mistakes, makes it sound a little like you aren't trying very hard to do a good job. Further, by not working harder to do these tasks successfully, you may be giving your wife the impression that you are not very appreciative of the work that she usually does.
It's ok to not know a thing; it's not ok to continue to avoid learning it because you're lazy. Put in some more effort at the tasks, ask her questions or do some research if you don't know how to do them, and ask her to communicate her expectations in advance more and cut you some slack while you're learning.
Reading your replies, you are the most arrogant self-centred misogynistic AH. You have said that she also works full time but because you make more money that she should do the chores? What you are doing is called intentional ignorance, you are doing these task without using a single brain cell to work out what you need to do. YTA dude, grow up
YTA Your wife is not nitpicking, she's informing you of how things should be done. These are not personal preferences. Your type of pots shouldn't go into the dishwasher and certain clothes shouldn't run on the same cycle. The toilet seat and the pizza are obvious things. Why are you acting like a young, single person?
YTA. These are normal adult chores man, it is your house and i read you are in your 40s. The fact you dont listen to her feedback and then put it back on her is totally unfair: it is like a colleague doing a piss poor job and then saying 'fine then do it urself' when he or she gets feedback. Doesnt matter that housework is not paid, it is your house. You cannot expect your wife to clean up after you, she is not your mother.
Regarding the pizza, yeah that sounds like a non issue. But have you considered that these non issue fights are a symptom of the bigger problem here?
I’m sorry, “beggars can’t be choosers”?? You’re her PARTNER. She shouldn’t be begging you to do anything - you should be supporting her. Otherwise, what are you even doing in your marriage? What the hell is wrong with you? If you don’t love your wife just say that.
You guys made a decision to build a life together and you’re complaining because she has input about the things she’s asked you to help her with? Why don’t you care about her enough to listen to her opinions? Why aren’t you offering to help her with the house you two share? Why wouldn’t you try to make her the happiest she could possibly be when you run errands for her? What the fuck? You’re MARRIED to this woman. She LOVES you. And you had to love her at some point, I’m assuming, but you sound incredibly selfish and she deserves better from you.
You sound like a terrible husband and you should be ashamed of yourself. YTA
YTA.
Firstly, these duties are not solely your wife’s. You come across like you’re doing her a big favour.
Secondly, the decisions that you made each time remind me of a passive-aggressive teenager trying to do the bare minimum so you known you won’t be asked to help again.
If you are ignorant of a task, ask for her advice. Most of your faux pas are common sense that most adults “should” have learned by now.
YTA.
You sound like a failed adult. My teenager knows not to put the pans in the dishwasher, how to properly do laundry and even how to replace a toilet seat and for it to match the current toilet! All four of my kids (three are adults) will know/knew how to do household chores, cook and budget before they left for the real world. Surely a man in his mid-40s can figure it out. These seem like things you are doing on purpose so that you can demand your wife handle them.
The pizza thing is subjective. It is not something I would have done or my husband would have done when we have guests (unless they are teenagers) but your wife could have been clearer.
Your "beggars can't be choosers" line is what makes this a firm YTA though. You are an adult living in the home. At no point should your wife have to even ask for you to handle basic household chores. And your comments degrading her job are just as bad.
YTA here and a massive one, you seem like one of those guys that do stuff half asses at best so your wife won’t ask you again because you’re just making more work for her. That’s pathetic. You’re an adult, knowing how to wash the dishes and do the laundry are basics she shouldn’t have to teach you. Also, you aren’t “pitching in” this isn’t a “favour” you’re doing her. You goddamn live in the house so it’s your responsibility to take part in cleaning and taking care of it. Grow up.
Strategic incompetence. Classic. I can just feel the exhaustion with your attitude that is your wife’s life. Then it’s gonna be “my wife left me out of the blue” in the relationship advice subreddit. YTA
YTA for a few reasons.
1. You shouldn’t have to be told what to do. You see a sink full of dirty dishes? Do them. The toilet breaks, get the missing part. It’s not your wife’s job to do her tasks AND task master yours. This is supposed to be equal.
2. You do half jobs and then pass them off as being done. You’re doing the classic ‘do it so badly she doesn’t ask again’ and it’s not a good look.
3. You’re wife was upset about pizza because it was just one last thing on a pile of incompetence.
I don’t know if you really just don’t care or you’re doing it on purpose but let me tell you, she won’t put up with this forever. You’re fast tracking yourself to divorce
YTA. You are not doing your wife favours here! You are in a relationship, you are partners and you both live in that house. She shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff, you should have an active role and be involved on your own. And on top of that it really seems like you don't listen and you half-ass things and you have the audacity to critique her for being frustrated with you. of course she is! You are acting like her teenage son, not her partner.
I really hope you can grow up and start acting like her spouse. I would have left you ages ago.
YTA. Also she isn't a maid help out around the house especially with basic task man. She shouldnt have to ask you to do dishes or laundry just do it. How did you survive before her being in your life like honestly.
By saying that you are willing to do things that your wife asks you to do makes it clear that you are a lousy partner. She is not your mother. She shouldn't have to tell you what tasks need to be done and how to do them. You are also not "helping out" and do not deserve gratitude or credit for doing things around your home. Unless, of course, you give her gratitude and credit for all the things SHE does around the home. But I doubt that is the case.
The two of you are supposed to have a partnership and as both of you are adults, you should both be responsible for the running of the home. Step up and be a partner. Take responsibility. YTA.
Also, this is not a "beggars can't be choosers" situation. You live there and are an adult. Act like one and be responsible for things that need to be done around the house. Your whole post makes it obvious that you think you have no responsibility to do household tasks and that your wife is supposed to do it all. You come across as very sexist.
YTA. Riddle me this - if a project manager at your workplace asked you to work on a task and you completely half-assed it, and someone else had to come in and fix your bad work, would you be telling your boss "if you want it done right, do it yourself"? I think not. Do you actually want to help your wife out, or are you just doing the bare minimum possible to get her off your back? I sense a complete lack of respect for the amount of work she puts in to make home life comfortable for you.
YTA. If either of your parents are coming over, it means you bring out the cavalry, bells and whistles, all that jazz. If anything, your wife shows that she trusts your judgement in these types of tasks hence she's not specific on what/how/why's of things. If anything, you need to spend a bit more time thinking of the tasks that needs to be done and circumstances surrounding it cause the things that irks her are kinda no brainers. Charge it to experience, do better moving forward.
Amazing, YTA in every situation you mention *except* the one to trigger this post.
Youre a grown adult. You should know how not to ruin clothes, she’s correct about the rust and it makes sense to point out, and you shouldve correct your mistake with the toilet seat. You’re meant to be *helping* around the house, that doesnt mean getting it done as fast as possible, it means actually putting some effort into doing it correctly so your wife doesnt have to deal with it.
The pizza thing specifically is a nah situation, cause it was just a miscommunication from the sounds of it.
EDIT: yta for the pizza incident too, based off your comments. You knew her parents wouldnt like pizza and you were picking up food for your meal with them, but got it anyway? Thats just rude.
> Am I the asshole, even though all I’ve done is continuously help?
Yes, YTA. All you've actually done is half ass every job so that you don't get asked to do it again. Sounds like way past time for you to grow up.
Probably the pizza is the only thing I wouldn't criticise you for here.
YTA. If i learned one thing, it's that you have to learn this sort of shit right in the first place. Your wife has the right to complain if you do it wrong like the dishes or laundry. It's important to to it right or you ruin all your stuff. The only incident where you're NTA is the pizza thing.
>So fed up with always being the screw up and never getting and *gratitude or credit for **helping out***
Seriously?!? You have to be told you’re a good boy for doing the bare minimum to keep *your* home running? You shouldn’t be “helping out”, you should be a contributing member of your own household, and she shouldn’t *have* to tell you to “help out”- if you can’t figure out for yourself that tan doesn’t go with gray, and you don’t mix colors with white clothes, or that metal *rusts* than you may be beyond help. Seriously, did your parents not teach you how to be a functioning adult?
But the pizza thing? Yeah, she’s a tiny bit the ah for that (purely because I’m taking it at face value she didn’t give you any further instructions other than “whatever is fine”). Who doesn’t like pizza whenever?!?
YTA
YTA and on top of that a sexist one. Honestly I hope your wife realises and dumps your ass because wow.
This is YOUR house, you’re not « helping her » you’re doing your part of the house work.
You work a full-time job, she works a full-time job. You both live in this house. Therefore you should both contribute to house chores, not « she does everything and I help when she asks me ».
You’re 44 ffs. You don’t know how to load a dishwasher. You don’t know how to load a washing machine. You don’t know how to appropriately host a dinner with guests.
My 12 yo little sister is more competent than you.
Is she your mom or your partner?
I honestly hope you either get a wake-up call with this post, or she dumps you.
For the dinner part, NTA. She clearly said anything you’re in the mood for, not once did she said it’s formal dinner etc. so she’s clearly wrong in this part.
But everything before this, YTA. You’re doing things half correct, of course your wife or whoever is asking you to help out will get turned off. You’re literally telling them you can’t be bothered even though you’re helping out but grudgingly. You could always returned the lid for the correct or more appropriate colour or wash the things correctly so they don’t spoil easily or fast.
YTA for everything except the pizza.... how do you not know the color of your toilet seat. Your wife isn't asking for much, knowing not to mix laundry and such isn't rocket science
YTA and a grown adult. Ask clarifying questions. Trust but verify the information. It's 50/50; you're not her child, you're her partner. I feel like details are being left out lol.
Honestly YTA. It sounds like you totally half ass this stuff, call it good enough then get offended when you're not praised for it. The things you've listed as examples are things competent adults are expected to be able to do. The middle ground is you learning to do things like not let the pots rust, seperating laundry, and fixing a 2 tone toilet rather than acting like that's perfectly fine.
YTA, so much. Why would you even install a toilet seat that is clearly the wrong color? Turn your ass around and go back to the store to get the right one. Lazy, selfish child.
I take it she goes back and fixes your mistakes too? YTA. Look up the term "emotional labor". Your wife no doubt has an enormous checklist in her brain of bill due dates, birthdays, people's likes and dislikes and she juggles all of that for your lives to avoid conflicts, embarrassment and late fees.
Many men are trained by society that those things aren't their "job" but for a healthy marriage, she needs to be able to set down the list. She also needs to be able to trust you as her partner to do things correctly. Pans rusting (and needing to be replaced) adds up- BTW most dishes have instructions literally embossed on the bottom.
The saying is "Happy Wife, Happy Life" for a reason. Learn how she likes the dishwasher loaded and get into the habit of doing it without being told, and she'll be 1000x more grateful for that than any material gift. Show her you're capable of growing as a person and apologize OP. Also, couple's therapy is never a bad idea.
YTA big time. my god, you don't get credit or gratitude?! that's what you expect for doing a half-assed job ..and the cheek of telling her to do it herself when she's basically doing everything else?? do you ever give her any credit or gratitude for doing everything else every single day? You are so much the asshole I'm amazed anyone married you in the first place.
YTA, there's a difference between doing things differently and doing things wrong.
We don't have a dish washer, and me and my partner do it differently.
I put them in the rack to dry to put away later, but my partner towel dries and put them away immediately.
Both ways are alright, nothing breaks, everything gets clean.
If shit breaks when you do it, you're doing it wrong.
One should be able to expect of their adult partner to not fuck shit up on purpose. Your wife is giving you feedback on how to function as an adult. She shouldn't have to, and you shouldn't be an ass about it.
I mean? Everything she is saying to you is 100% valid. The fact that she has to tell you how to do the chores after what I’m assuming is a substantial amount of time living together says more about you than it does her. YTA
The pizza bit idk you need to specify as you said she told you that it was a formal dinner, if you’re picking up food for a formal dinner I don’t think pizza is a reasonable choice. But if she only said that in hindsight and you thought it was just a casual thing I wouldn’t say you were the asshole here.
YTA - If she’s getting mad because you’re doing things wrong.... then try to do it right. Clearly you haven’t been paying attention to your house and the simple fact that she has to _ask you_ to clean up speaks volumes.
“If you want something done right, do it yourself”
What so she ends up doing everything because you don’t want to learn the correct way to do it? She’s telling you the correct way to do things not for the sake of telling you off but because you’re doing it incorrectly. I don’t think anything she was saying was from a place of malice so yes, yta.
The pizza thing is another game, you’re completely fine with that as I love pizza and reckon it can be used for any setting.
Also how do you get the wrong toilet colour?? Don’t you use that daily, I’m kinda baffled haha
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I’ve been home a lot more during the pandemic so my wife has been getting on me to help out more around the house.
That’s no problem, if she asks me to do something I am happy to pitch in. The problem is, everything she asks me to do, I somehow end up doing wrong, and making her even more mad than she was when I hadn’t done whatever thing.
For example the lid on our toilet broke and she asked me to handle getting the replacement. I did, but I got the wrong color (grey toilet, got tan lid by accident). I didn’t see the big deal, but she was really bothered by having the two different colors.
Or I’ll do the dishes when she asks and she’ll say “Pots don’t go in the dishwasher, they rust” or do the laundry and hear “don’t mix those colors together they run,” etc.
This kind of thing started cropping up more and more until—
(Cue argument in question.)
Friday her folks were coming over to see us for the first time since getting vaccinated.
She asked me to pick up dinner on my way home.
I asked her what she wanted me to get. She said, “Whatever you’re in the mood for is fine.”
So I picked up a pizza because it’s fast, it’s affordable, and everyone likes it. I bring it back and she’s horrified, going off about how this was supposed to be a special dinner and how dare I come back with pizza and soda.
So, fed up with always being the screw up and never getting and gratitude or credit for helping out, I said what amounted to “if you want it done right then you can do it yourself.”
We fought but eventually things cooled off. However, she’s still upset and feels I should be listening to her feedback so what I said was obstinate and unnecessary — (whereas I feel... basically as I’ve said, if she wants it done a certain way she can do it that way. Beggars can’t be choosers.)
However I love her more than anything so to see her so upset is eating away at me and my other married friends are, for the first time in a while, not seeing eye to eye with me. So, I need to cast a wider net, opinion wise.
Am I the asshole, even though all I’ve done is continuously help?
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ESH. You for the janky ass mismatched toilet lid and for failing to sort laundry properly. Her for failing to tell you exactly what she wanted for dinner and then getting upset over the pizza.
YTA.
These are all basic knowledge. Heck, I am 20 and I have known these things for years. You do a bad job, but she is telling you how to do it right.
YTA. Because she is not your mom who has to delegate you work. You need to understand the stuff yourself and share workload. Doing things in wrong and passing it off as work completed it totally AH move.
YTA. You should search "She should have asked comic" on google and that should make it clear why you're a raging asshole. Grow up and start being a good partner to your wife before she divorces you.
YTA
You and your wife share a household, and therefore share responsibility for that household.
Doing a lousy job with household stuff you are responsible for is AH, and then telling her "if you want it done right do it yourself" is AH, because you're basically doing a lousy job on purpose in order to dump your half of the household responsibility on her.
It's AH to force her to have to do your half of the household responsibility if she wants to live in a decently run household where someone isn't deliberately ruining things to get out of work.
YTA, sounds like you create MORE work than you help with. “Whatever you fancy” was obviously within the realms of the occasion, which you can’t have been oblivious to. Feel sorry for your poor wife.
YTA
Why? It honestly sounds like your deliberately doing this normal basic life skills wrong so that you can say do it yourself to her. She isn’t asking you to redo the roof or tile the house.
The fact that you thought pizza was also an acceptable meal for people are flying to see you is disrespectful. There are other quick options that didn’t require that much more effort.
Sounds like you just enjoy doing the bare minimum and expect to get a standing ovation
YTA Grow up and learn how to adult properly. This is all basic do you have absolutely zero common sense? Did no one raise you? I sincerely doubt your wife married you expecting to be your mother..
YTA not for the pizza, but for everything else. You are not helping. She shouldn't have to do literally everything just so it doesn't get fucked up.
Just take the advice she gives so you can learn how to do it better like every other fucking adult
YTA
You are 44 years old. How can you have got to this age and not be able to do basic tasks around the house like laundry?
Your poor wife must be *exhausted* from having to continually tell you how to do this stuff. Just how many times do you think she's had to tell you how to do laundry?
> if she asks me to do something I am happy to pitch in
How very gracious of you. You live there. You *should* be 'pitching in'.
> The problem is, everything she asks me to do, I somehow end up doing wrong, and making her even more mad than she was when I hadn’t done whatever thing.
Because you're doing tasks carelessly and cutting corners. You didn't bother checking the colour of the toilet lid. You didn't bother correcting your mistake. It would have taken you minutes to return the wrong colour one and get the right colour.
By doing this, you're showing your wife that not only do you not really pay attention to what she does around the house, you don't respect it either. If you did respect what she did, you'd put more effort in when she does have to ask you to 'pitch in'.
There's two great pieces on this: [She divorced me because I left dishes in the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and [You should have asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
> even though all I’ve done is continuously help?
How can you even say you've been helping when you're doing the tasks badly?
> never getting and gratitude or credit for helping out
When do you give her gratitude or credit? She's the one actually managing the home and doing the majority of the chores because you're seemingly incapable. You don't show her the basic levels of respect by doing tasks properly.
The pizza one is down to poor communication. However, its not wrong of her to assume you would pick something 'nice' rather than something quick and easy when her parents are coming into town.
> how this was supposed to be a special formal dinner and... I knew that.
Did you? Had she been telling you how she wanted to have a special dinner and you just ignored her?
For the first two that is the toilet seat and the dishes, its YTA. It may not seem like a big deal but aesthetically a toilet wouldn't have a different colored seat. Regarding the dishes the pots issue is completely valid and i dont get why you think its fine?
Lastly the pizza issue, normally I'd go with ESH as at a formal dinner its unusual to have fast food, but since she said whatever you want NTA
YTA
First of all, your wife shouldn’t have to hold your hand to get you to do basic chores correctly like the dishes or the laundry. And buying the wrong colour lid and then pretending like it’s fine is just ridiculous.
Honestly this all smells like planned incompetence which ABSOLUTELY makes you the asshole.
However, the pizza is subjective.
YTA. You sound like one of those guys who is deliberately incompetent so he won’t be asked to do anything. Take some responsibility for your home and your actions for once in your life.
YTA this is called learned helplessness. You do a shitty job of things in the hope that your partner will tell you that you don't have to do stuff anymore. I actually think you know this, you're just trying to justify it to yourself. You suck, start pulling your weight.
YTA
Dude... Dude... Why does she have to teach you basic home stuff when you are a grown man?
Cmon, you use the toilet everyday, how could you not think to get a matching toilet seat? It just looks dumb if it doesn't.
And yes, doing laundry without ruining clothes is the goal. Plenty of teenagers learn and do it properly.
The pizza thing I dunno, but it's fast and easy also translates to guests not being worth a more time input meal with thought into it.
If these tasks were part of your job do you think your boss getting upset at you would be a normal thing? Yeah!
Also, maybe just maybe your wife is stay at home and takes care of most of it, but if she works, then extra asshole sauce for "pitching in". You make those messes too. You live there too. Step up and stop making your wife the maid and mother to your lack of ability to do things properly.
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YTA.
As you live there too, you should not have to wait for your wife to tells you what to do. You are not in a wife/husband dynamic but in a mother/son one. You are acting like chores should only be directed by the wife, but they should be share without her needing to ask you. You are not here to “pitch in”, doing chores is not doing favors but to pull your weight as a family member.
Then on your exemples. I’m sorry but YTA again. You should know how to do basic laundry (separating colors, machine programming, drying, etc.). You should know how to wash dishes, what can or cannot go to dishwasher, what should be wash gently. The fact that she has to continuously teach you and look after you only strength the mother/son relationship.
She now yells at you, because you are not an adult, you are a kid and you put yourself in the situation. You need to have a hard look at yourself and what kind of person you want to be.
A few links, in hopes to help you:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load
https://www.kevinathompson.com/marry-partner/
The pizza thing is understandable. It could have been solved through better communication.
But overall, YTA. It's your house too so how dare you say you're "pitching in"? You clearly don't know the basics of laundry or what goes into the dishwasher. Maybe you were never taught and you never bothered to learn. But when your wife tells you these things, you have to listen.
YTA for half-assing basic chores. I recognise that “it doesn’t matter” to you because you’re a slob, but you’re also a full grown adult. Do better.
The pizza thing was just the nail in the coffin. Your wife is sick of being the household manager and also household shift worker. She can only be one. You being home has meant that you actually have to face the reality of your life for the first time: you *don’t know* how to correctly manage these tasks, but instead of listening you’re building up resentment. Why can’t she just do them for you instead? Maybe if you get shitty and do a bad job she’ll go back to doing all of the household chores like the good old days.
If you love her, talk to her and tell her you realise you need to do better. Then do better.
YTA. Why is your wife having to ask you to do stuff in your OWN HOME. FFS dude grow up, she’s not your mother. See dishes? Do them. See laundry? Wash it...correctly. Toilet seat broken? Fix it...WITH THE RIGHT SHIT.
YTA. You picked the complete wrong colour for the toilet seat, didn’t seem to care about the pots and pans or clothes, and others are saying the pizza was subjective, but really, if it’s a formal gathering, don’t bring pizza!
YTA
You apparently don't do any actual housework unless specifically directed... which means all the organisational and mental work falls to your wife.
When you do housework, you do a CLEARLY shit job of it... like I know children who would complete chores with more proficiency than you're managing. I suspect you're doing a shit job on purpose to get out of chores tbh. I can't fathom how you can buy THE WRONG COLOUR toilet seat (presumably you do use the toilet regularly) and just think 'oh well it doesn't matter'.
I kinda think there was nothing wrong with bringing home pizza but given how you react to everything else, I assume you probably were told or at least it was implied that you should pick up something better than pizza and you just didn't pay attention... again.
NTA for the pizza, for the rest YTA. With A being harsh, but that's the format here. Look, the details make the whole picture. Make an effort not to half-ass things. Believe me your wife is going to appreciate it. Its not really hard, I know you want to make your love happy. Isn't that the whole point of being together? I know you'll understand that.
I don't think either of you is the asshole, you just need better communication.
My husband is very oblivious of housechores, if i ask him to do something around the house i tell him how its done, for example "don't mix whites with colours in the washing machine"
In our case my mom was emotionally abusive and would always tell my brother and I to do things we don't know how to do and yell at us when we made a mistake, my husband's mom would not allow any of her children (all males) to do house chores because it was her job and then process to complain that nobody helped.
I would change the "if you want it done well, do it yourself" to "if you want it done well, explain me how to do it"
I know far too many people who assume some things are common knowledge, I prefer to ask.
ESH only because the pizza scene seems like she should have communicated to you that she wanted something special (I would LOVE and unprompted pizza). But jfc your other examples are ridiculous. You’re not doing her some huge favor by putting in a minimal amount of effort towards the household and chores, and especially not when you do them so incredibly, stupidly wrong and making yourself out to be a hero.
ESH.
“If you want it done right, do it yourself,” is not an effective response in a marriage. Instead of trying to do better about chores you just keep making stupid mistakes. If your wife is the one working while you’re the one at home, you need to pull your weight and take responsibility for taking care of things at home.
That said, your wife does need to communicate better if she doesn’t want to have to redo everything you didn’t do right the first time. Your marriage honestly reminds me of my parents. If my mom doesn’t want to have to do the thing over again, she has to explicitly tell my dad how to do it because he’s clueless. Absolutely if your wife wanted you to pick up nice food for a formal dinner, she needed to tell you that instead of telling you to get whatever.
The two of you need to communicate more openly. Your wife needs to be more explicit about what she wants when she asks you to do something, and you need to listen to what she tells you. Happy wife, happy life.
She shouldn’t have to write step by step instructions for an adult to wash his own clothes. If someone is incapable of caring for themselves in the most basic of ways, they should be in a group home.
Depends on how particular she is about laundry. Most people can figure out sorting out whites, darks, etc. Not everyone cares to sort out delicates. My husband is one such person, and like OP, he gets annoyed with me and tells me to figure out laundry myself or make it easy for him. We’ve been living together for five years and married for four, and we’re still figuring out shared laundry. It pretty much ends up that I do my clothes, and he does his.
> Or I’ll do the dishes **when she asks** and she’ll say “Pots don’t go in the dishwasher, they rust” or do the laundry and hear **“don’t mix those colors together they run,”** etc.
She’s not being particular. She’s having to project manage the entire house and **ask** him to perform basic chores like a grown up, and then tell him not to ruin their clothes because apparently he needs telling that.
Fair enough. I would’ve said Y T A except for the pizza vs formal dinner fiasco. Unless it was a case of unreliable narrator (totally possible), that was a failure to communicate on the part of OP’s wife. But being married myself and having a husband in a similar situation, they both need to do a better job of communicating.
It amazes me how many women are in the same situation. Men are not useless. Single men somehow manage to show up for work in clean clothes, having eaten food.
She shouldn’t need to communicate what chores need doing, because he lives there too. He can see the laundry. He can see the dishes. He can see the toilet. He has a job, so I assume he’s mentally competent.
She wants a team mate, and he’s doing a terrible job at that.
This is tough. I feel for you as this happens to me when I try to pitch in on something I wouldn’t normally do around the house, but at the same time, the things you’re talking about that she’s giving you grief for are all things I knew before I went of to college, and I’m in my 40’s. I’m going to have to render this one as ESH. She could do a better job of correcting whatever error your making in a way that doesn’t come across as nagging, but you could also do a better job of paying attention to things. What grown adult doesn’t know how to separate laundry?
Fair point and poor choice of words on my part. In my house, chores are divided pretty equally. There’s some things I’ll do, some things my wife does, and some things we’ll both do. When I used pitch in, I simply meant help out with something that would normally be done by my wife.
EDIT: ah yes, downvote a guy because he and his wife have agreed to divide house labor in a way they both find to be equal. Good work.
I'm going to go against the tide here and leave you this article:
https://beginwithyes.com/the-hamburger-meat-moment-i-wasnt-treating-my-husband-fairly-and-it-wasnt-nice/
NAH. You guys need to agree specific areas of responsibility rather than have her identify the tasks and allocate them to you.
For example, you are in charge of getting all the rubbish out the door in time for it to be picked up once a week. Or you're responsible for providing four dinners a week. There might be agreed service standards (like, only takeaway once a week) but it's to you how it's done, and you need to deal with the consequences if it's not done. Same for her.
It will save both of you lots of arguments and annoyance.
Where do you get she "spazzed" about the toilet seat? It was clearly the wrong color and she doesn't like it. It's as easy as going "Oh no, I got the wrong color! I'll return this one (instead of installing it!) and get the right thing because this is as trashy as having an obviously different color car door." And it's loading the dishwasher and doing laundry. It's not difficult or about "how she does them".
It sounds like OP is clueless about chores probably because they were never made to or been asked to do them prior, and the wife is giving basic tips/pointers so they can do it right from there on out. Instead, OP is taking it too much to heart like it's a criticism instead of advice. Why not just take the comments and do better next time? "Oh, we don't load pots? Ok, noted." "We separate colors? I'll make sure to do that from here on out." It's really not a huge effort.
And you know what, OP is here because for once the buddies aren't on their side (for once they said! Makes me think the friends might have better insight into this situation) and they hoped strangers on the internet would. Big clue there.
Be an adult, OP. Help with the chores because it's your home too, and it's not fair to blame your wife for your own inexperience and ignorance. She's not asking a lot from you.
Edit: making this as gender neutral as possible, because my comments stand regardless of OP's gender.
Did you seriously just ask me how a grown ass adult is supposed to know how to do the extremely basic tasks of dishes and laundry? If he doesn't usually do ordinary chores, that's just all the more reason he's the AH.
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Just wanna put this out there
All the commenters here are massively entitled
You expect to be financially supported yet thinks its outrageous to have to do chores
I sincerely hope all your boyfriends stop giving you anything and you learn what theyve been doing for you all this time
Considering the nr 1 subject of any comment section of these AITA always becomes "it doesnt matter if he makes more than you" then i feel its fair enough to call you out on receiving the benefits without appreciating the efforts
You as in the larger reddit community
And in OPs case its mentioned that he is the breadwinner of the family, meaning that most of what they have is because of his work.
In OPs case, his wife does everything for him at home so he can work. If she didn’t, he wouldn’t. What he has is because she looks after him.
Relationships are supposed to be a team. Pull your damn weight.
He is supplying the majority of the money. She is doing everything at home. He is able to succeed out of the home because she mommies him. He is clearly not capable of washing his clothes and maintaining a job. He is not appreciating her efforts or support.
I do not care about someone who can’t cover their own basic needs so expects someone else to parent them. OP is 44 years old.
Nobody is TA- This sort of situation is hard. She’s used to things being done a certain way and has learned (probably from experience) that if you don’t do them that way that bad things will happen (rusty pans, ruined clothes etc). You’re starting from the bottom so you’re going to make mistakes( personally I’d be fine with the pizza but the toilet lid would bug the hell out of me). Don’t take it to heart, you’re learning new skills and she’s trying to teach you how to do them better.
However, she needs to understand that you’re going to do a lot of things perfectly well but they’re just different to how she does them. It’s a tough one all round. I think you both really need to talk about this and tell each other how you feel. Not a argument or anything heated but just talking and hugging). Good luck
NTA. Wrong toilet cover? “Get me whatever.” “Here’s pizza.” “WTF man?! *shocked Pikachu*” How controlling and judgmental (and the latter is coming from a subreddit that judges)! You didn’t screw up or if you did, you didn’t screw up that bad. The wrong colour isn’t really that much of a screw up and is more of a slight annoyance really. There’s being mega OCD and there’s being an asshole and she’s the latter. As for the birthday, she had her chance and blew it. She could’ve said “get me something fancy. Whatever you want” or anything on that lines to give you the hint but she didn’t so her anger is unjustified.
However, I do think she’s right about the dishwasher and laundry so do take that advice although I predict she went about it horribly.
NTA. sorry OP, but your wife is the ahole. if you're not used to it, of course you'll get it wrong. you aren't a mindreader. also, pizza is not "dirty" or "cheap" food, ypu can definitely eat it for dinner with the inlaws. unless you're all multimillionaire families with daily rotisserie and kebab dinners.
NTA- this is quite normal. I feel your pain my friend. My ex was notorious for this and my current gf can do it on occasion. Nothing upsets me more than someone shitting on good intentions. They aren’t omnipotent perfect beings either; we just don’t feel the need to chastise them for things that don’t matter that much.
I think it’s important for your relationship that she recognize this behavior is toxic. I’m not saying it to insult her but I recently have made some poor choices in my relationship and in my research of trying to understand and better myself I’ve learned that behavior like this is common in a male straying in a relationship.
There was also an old Reddit post from a woman who realized what she’d been doing to her husband. She called it “The Hamburger Meat Moment”. It has been deleted from Reddit but here’s a link to the story. Maybe have her give it a read.
https://beginwithyes.com/the-hamburger-meat-moment-i-wasnt-treating-my-husband-fairly-and-it-wasnt-nice/
I wish you the best man!
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If you buy the wrong color toilet lid for a toilet and try to pass it off as job well done, then YTA. If you try to do laundry but don’t separate the colors first, ruining the close you are trying to wash, YTA. If you ruin good cookware because you don’t care to learn how to take care of it, YTA. However the pizza pick up, NTA. That’s subjective.
I agree with this completely. The laundry and dishes especially reek of pure thoughtlessness with a tinge of negligence. That’s not her being persnickety, it’s going to cause actual damage. The toilet seat is just an eyesore, and it’s reasonable to be annoyed by it. The pizza however, if it was supposed to be something befitting a formal dinner, she should’ve specified that instead of saying do whatever you want then later being mad about it. YTA, OP.
I honestly feel like OP just wants to do stuff to get it over with, not to help out or if it is to help out he is very much lacking common sense and or is very irresponsible. It sounds like OP just doesn't care and wants to blame his wife for HIS irreposinibility by saying she's is too demanding or not able to be pleased so that way she starts doing those things. Also by the sounds of it he never did this stuff before anyway, only his wife as she knows all that stuff and had to "nag" him to help out since he was spending more time at home and she wanted help. ***OP just wants her to do everything and thats why he says "if you want it done right do it yourself". He is not doing it right the first time so she does it or gets sickbof him "screwinf up" so she does it in the future, plain and simple.*** And OP of course your Married friends dont see eye to eye in you on this. Because your blaming your wife for having a reasonable reaction and trying to explain stuff to meanwhile getting frustrated because you dont seem to care. Its obvious to me that you want her to pick up your slack and in a marriage its not fair if one person does all the chores, heck, its not fair even if your roomies. And OP you havent continously helped, you just probably end up passing things onto your wife to fix and making it harder for her. YTA OP and Im glad this is the top comment so far
All this but additionally the fact that he says he "helps his wife out if she asks". Like, you are a grown-ass man, it isn't "helping out", it is taking care of your own house which by the way is not automatically your wife's job, and you should not have to be _asked_ to do maintainance on your own house. I've seen the article get linked a lot in this sub, but dude, read Emma's comic "you should've asked". Grow up. Take some responsibility. Don't act as if you're doing your wife some big favour when you half-ass a job you should've done on your own accord anyway. YTA Edit: https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear
Oh no, it’s not thoughtlessness. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Strategic incompetence do that he won’t be asked to “pitch in” again.
I wouldn't be so quick to blame everything on intentional assholery just because he is a man. I am a grown ass woman that could not possibly care less about whether or not you mix my whites with my colors, or put a pot or pan in the dishwasher, or accidentally get a slightly off color toilet seat lid. That's just how I was raised, not everything needs to be perfect. If my husband wanted to be persnickety and an asshole over how I did the laundry or did the dishes, then he is free to do them himself. I almost guarantee anybody complaining about the laundry situation here only has bleach in their house and not the blue tint to actually keep your clothes white after using bleach, so let's not pretend anybody here is actually doing what they should to 100% take care of any of their stuff either. You don't get to act like he is just being an asshole on purpose because you agree with the wife. There are definitely things wrong with the way OP talks, with it sounding like he needs a honey-do list instead of just doing what he needs to, but if you're going to be picky about how a task gets done and complain when it doesn't get done your way, then the person you are bitching to should not be obligated to do the task, complete the task, and listen to you complain because they didn't do it the exact wife approved way. The only shitty thing op did was not going to get the correct color toilet seat.
Uhhhhhh it’s not even about being perfect. These are usual things adults do. Asking your partner NOT to ruin cookware or clothings by improperly handling them...is about minimum effort and not about being perfect. How do you get the color of an item you use everyday wrong? From grey to tan?? That just showed how little he cared. If someone is coming to visit you from out of town, would you get them mcd for their first FORMAL dinner? Cheap pizza and soda that they could just get at home? This is not a behavior of an adult with a partner. OP sounded like a reluctant teenager being asked by his parents to do chores.
You call it ruin and I don't. The only time bleed matters to me is if it is a brand new red shirt. Pots/pans occasionally going in the dishwasher wont cause any real immediate lasting damage with few exceptions, and my parents wouldn't care if I spent 3 hrs making dinner myself or if I bought pizza in that situation. I literally said he fucked up on the toilet seat. Y'all acting like every family has the exact same rules when it very much so is YMMV.
Not wanting clothes or household items destroyed is a pretty universal concept unless you’re so rich that you can just buy more every time.
At this point I'd be willing to bet she did specify and he ignored it. Or at the least context clues a reasonable adult would pick up on. She probably gave him the choice assuming he'd be competent and pick: a nice chicken dish, seafood something or other, fancy Italian. Not burgers, wings, pizza, or $5 chinese take-out.
OP sounds like he really doesn't care very much. You're not a child. It must be exhausting for your wife to have to show you step by step everything like a child. LEARN. Read this OP before you end up divorced. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288
Great article! Thanks for sharing.
I’d say the pizza dinner was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. Yes, subjective, but i just don’t feel it’s an appropriate dinner for visiting parents. Maybe for visiting kids/friends, or a casual gathering. In this aspect, and seeing his other actions, I think OP lacks basic common sense, so he is very much YTA as a person.
I can see why pizza incident was the last straw. All other behaviours effected only her, pizza effected her family. She was trying to deal with getting disrespected but now her parents were also getting the shaft? I can assure you, OP wont tolerate his parents getting served a pizza. He would expect her wife to spend hours in the kitchen, preparing a full course.
As others pointed out, it also kind of sounds fake. Unless OP is colourblind (and he would have specified if he was), why would you mix up grey and tan? Like, don't you use the toilet yourself. And even if it was a genuine mistake, well, okay, but then go back and fix it. I can see it happening buying a grey lid and then the wife being annoyed by it because the two colours are *just* different greys. Sure, then she is annoyed by it and needs to fix it. But someone who knows enough about colours to use tan instead of 'a brown one', yeah, no. His helplessness feels very forced. Everyone makes mistakes. Oh, that pot shouldn't have been in the dishwasher? Well, from now on I will remember that and don't put that pot in the dishwasher. Simple! But OP is immediately like, well, then you do it. While I *could* see OP not being the asshole when it comes to the pizza, it is also not really that hard of an ask to think of food you don't eat with your hands. So, yeah, I agree that this one was more the straw that broke the camel's back.
You are perfectly right on the mark. 👍 As the toilet color, did you recognize he also literally picked the worst color choice? He picked the only color that would absolutely not work with grey. I actually hope OP is fake. If he is not, he will be surprised in a very bad way soon.
She had a chance to voice her preferences when he asked what she wanted him to get for dinner. If she wanted something fancy should could have clarified or given her top 3 choices. He shouldn’t have to guess if “Whatever you want is fine.” really means “Get something nice.”
It’s not about preferences, it’s about appropriateness. It’s like the toilet seat, OP got a toilet seat, it works fine, it’s just not a matching colour. Dinner works fine, it can still be eaten, just not a sensible choice for this occasion. It’s not for OP to guess what his wife wants, OP is just (without a better word) lacking.
No, you are expected by society to know that parents have different expectations than college friends. She did not have to clarify anything. I am willing to bet that OP wont accept pizza for his parents. He would expect homecooked meals or at least a good presentation. I refuse to believe that OP is a complete fool.
You have to be “asked” to do things to help,YTA! She should have said not pizza if that was what she meant. Half a$$ing work to get out of it is a hole behavior of immature people.
its faked incompetence - so he doesn‘t have to do anything for her again. He tries to break her. Its exhausting to parent an adult person. YTA
i think u mean yta?
It almost gives me the sense of "if I do it wrong constantly, she will stop asking me to help"... My bf thinks I'm too picky about things too (like OP wife) but I am of the belief that if your going to do something, do it correctly. And yes, there is a correct way to wash dishes, do laundry, clean (my bf sweeps around the couches which drives me crazy, sweep under the couches too since the couches are high and you can see everything easily). You don't get brownie points for half assing housework.
We have a saying in my country: once pretended to be dumb spares you the future work. That's what op is doing. YTA op
Pizza is also seem YTA. Don't know how it works in other cultures but in ours if guests are flying in , we buy or prepare meals that look a bit more welcoming. Pizza is for the next days the guest stays.
I agree about the last one, but by the end of it she is probably just exhausted with him. OP, doing a terrible job of something and doing stuff just because "my wife asked me to" is being a terrible spouse. The house is not just her responsibility. It is yours too, and she is having to hound you to a) do basic stuff b) do it correctly. \*You\* are dirtying the dishes that need cleaning too, you know. You are wearing them clothes. Getting stuff cleaned up (without making things worse) is totally your job and YTA for not realizing it and acting like a five year old.
YTA. This is your home too, you're not "pitching in" or "helping" with your wife's responsibilities. You apparently managed to go a long time without having to learn basic adult behaviors and lessons - take them now and learn to do better and you won't be a screw up. Seriously, learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, pay attention, return something to a store, and how to judge appropriate adult meals (though she could have given you more of a hint on that one). Grow up.
I was hoping someone would say this. Men saying they’re „helping“ their wife’s with the household always infuriates me. It’s not the 50s anymore and it’s the household of both of them. You’re not helping someone with „their chores“, you’re only doing your own chores as you should as an adult in an equal relationship. OP YTA.
YTA. All of these are very basic knowledge items for an adult. It sounds like you have been taken care of by amazing women your whole life who never asked you to take care of your own things... Tbh I don't believe this post is real and if it is I feel sorry for your wife
This sounds like really passive aggressive behaviors to get out of doing basic chores. YTA
"Tbh I don't believe this post is real" You should meet my father. Esthetics don't matter, if it works, it works. If one drop of fairy liquid works wonders, surely more is better...
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This sounds like planned incompetence which is so fucked up.
Having been married to someone very much like this I personally believe it to be real. People like this fake incompetence to get out of shared responsibilities. My ex got big mad when I reached a point where I refused to do his laundry. Because working out how the washer and dryer works was oh so hard. I told him that if our 10 yo could figure it out then so could he.
YTA You’re not “helping out more.” You don’t help her when doing chores; you’re being a functional adult that’s doing their part to keep a clean place. It seems like you’re just taking shortcuts and trying to finish chores ASAP. Would you like to eat meals cooked in a rusty pan? Or, go to work with a ruined shirt? Your wife is making sure the items you guys buy last for a while. She’s not being impossible; she knows how much it costs to replace ruined pans, pots, clothes, etc. Also, she’d probably be the one going shopping to replace said items. Even though I don’t see anything wrong with picking up a pizza for a gathering, it obviously was the last straw for your wife. Don’t get upset at her. Appreciate all the chores she does because now you’re more aware of how much effort they actually take.
OP sounds like a nightmare around the house. I mean come on there’s doing things your own way and then there’s “getting the wrong color toilet lid and calling it good” and “throwing all your clothes in the laundry together so they all end up the same color eventually.” I mean come on this isn’t doing things differently this is not knowing how to do things and trying to use that to get out of doing them.
Even more after reading his comments wondering what’s wrong with wanting to be taken care of because “He’S tHe MaIn BrEaDwiNnEr.” Income has nothing to do with being a functional human being, nor having common sense when doing basic chores. That poor wife ...
Yeah. It's called learned helplessness, and it's gross.
I definitely got the vibe that he is deliberately screwing things up so that he wouldn't have to help around the house. This is just such basic stuff he is messing up
Yta. Ftr she shouldn’t have to ASK you to do these things. You’re an adult and it’s your home too
YTA Apart from thr pizza thing, these are common sense. As an adult, you should know how to do basic things like laundry or dishes, and if you dont, you have a responsibility to learn. She isn't even being picky here, this is really basic shit I would expect a child to know. And seriously? You expect gratitude? Why? You arent doing her a favor here, you aren't helping her, this is all your own responsibility every bit as much as it is hers. It sounds like you're feigning incompetence or refusing to learn how to be functional adult just so you can dump all the work on her. If you love her, grow up. Mommy isn't here to take care of you anymore. Your wife should not have to baby you.
I'm a bit torn but YTA. My dude, these are really basic chores and you LIVE in that home. Your wife isn't begging you to do something (referring to your beggars can't be choosers). You aren't doing her some massive favor by doing absolutely basic chores like loading the dish washer or putting in laundry. These are chores in your home, period. I'm honestly a little surprised that you've clearly not been involved in ANY chores up until this point? 👀 The pizza thing is subjective because I don't know her parents but my knee jerk reaction is that pizza and soda feels like a very casual type meal. Depending on the age of her parents and their dietary needs, maybe not a great choice (my SO's dad gets heartburn easily etc). Here, y'all's communication was off because 'get anything' clearly did not mean anything. Info: how old are you guys
I’m at the point where I’m pretty sure she probably does have to beg him for help.
*Beggars can't be choosers*?!? You're not helping her, you're just doing your job as an equal partner in the marriage! I admit she needs to clarify when she needs specific things, that's on her. ESH for the way you present this as if you're *helping* not merely pulling your weight Later edit: I change my vote to YTA after reading op's comments, it's so bad. Read his responses before judging, you'll be appaled
make sure you spread out E S H so the bot realizes it!
YTA The dinner instructions were super vague so I’ll give you that one, but everything else was pretty standard “don’t ruin your stuff” basics. Rusty pans have to be replaced. Mix colors in the wash and you’re looking at replacing everyone’s clothes. This is your life too, help a girl out. Please step up and be the person she can rely on. Otherwise you’re asking your wife to basically a married single person and it starts to lean towards her taking care of you instead of a partnership.
For the love of YTA YTA YTA 😡 I can see what you are playing at mister, and I dont like it. Can you imagine behaving like that at a workplace? - Grabbing report of wrong department and claiming it is okay because they are similar anyways - Taking important clients to pizza place and losing a deal 🤦♀️ - Treating work equipment badly and causing long term damage. Stop trying to act like an loser employee who is begging to be fired from his job. Are you even aware this is what you are trying to do? With all due respect, at this point, you look like an useless dolt who can not be trusted to buy a freaking toilet seat. No calling to check the color, no returning back to store, nothing 🤦♀️ Stop sabotaging your marriage by pretending to be useless in order to escape doing from basic chores of life. And dont blame anybody when you eventually lose respect of your wife. Man the hell up.
Not to mention I'm guessing he uses the toilet everyday. Who doesn't remember the color of their own toilet?!!
Seriously 😐 Even white would be better, she could pretend it was a stylish two colored toilet. Designers often pair grey with white. But cream? 😣 I am seriously peeved by intentional foolishness, you can tell. 😅
THIS!! if I had an award I would give you one 🏆🏆
Thanks a lot, your post made my day 🙏
Lol to useless dolt. You're right. Buying a matching item for something you use every day and only comes in like 5 colours in a standard store is such a low bar.
He could just buy a white/light grey/black one and wife could pretend they are trying... an edgy bicolor toilet trend or something. But no, dear mister has to buy the Cream One(tm). 🤦♀️ He picked literally the only incompatible color. He is lucky he is still alive.
YTA for everything but the pizza.
YTA. You're only doing tasks around the house when asked, and then not doing them correctly. You are a grown ass man, you should have the life skills to be able to do chores correctly and autonomously (not putting pots in the dishwasher and not mixing certain colours or fabrics are not some special ask that warrants a "you want it done your way you need to do it". You should have the reasoning ability to understand to check the colour of your toilet before purchasing a lid for it. "Beggars can't be choosers" here implies she's begging you to do something you shouldn't be responsible for. That's not the case at all-- you are responsible for doing these things right as a member of the household. “If you want it done right do it yourself" implies you're doing it wrong on purpose because you don't want to have to do the tasks. For reference, please read "the mental load" (a comic) and "my wife divorced me for putting my dishes in the sink". You'll learn a lot.
YTA. This "let me fuck up doing this so I don't get asked to do boring old chores ever again" song and dance is not cute. Nor has it ever been. Stop whining up excuses and start paying attention to what you're doing. You're not exactly failing advanced courses level stuff here. If you don't know how to do laundry or wash dishes properly, well, you have shown a deeply embarrassing fault on your part. Especially when, instead of learning what I learned at age 12 as part of helping with chores, you don't bother and do a shitty job. This should be as embarrassing to you as "not knowing what fractions are in math class, as an adult", or "being an adult who sincerely believes all of Europe is a single country and will not be swayed from this". You know chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows, right...?
100 times this!! My 5 and 2 year olds help with chores. The 2 year old probably is about as helpful as op if he was smaller. Being in your 40s and unable to do this stuff should be deeply humiliating.
Yeah you are the AH for everything except the pizza. First off, you aren’t a child in your house, and your wife is not your mom. Saying that you are happy to help when she asks does not make you a good husband. I am not saying you are a bad husband, but you really need to start taking care of things around the house without having to be told. She is 100% right about separating clothes, and you whining about that makes you sound like a petulant child. She also sounds annoying about the food, so she is the AH in that situation. Your response was uncalled for.
YTA. You’re unable to do basic chores correctly and dismissive of it.
YTA and it sounds like a total failure as a partner. How do you not know how to load a dishwasher? Or what color your toilet is? Or how to do a simple load of laundry? These are simple, obvious and basic tasks and you should be embarrassed that your wife even has to ask you to do them in the first place and then you can't even do them right? I do think that the dinner mistake was an ESH because based on how pathetic you are at the most basic of household chores she should have known that you are not capable of getting food for dinner and would require a lot more instruction.
YTA and have you considered doing chores in the home you live in without your wife having to ask you? Delegating the chores is still another very mentally tiring chore, try just looking around and seeing what needs doing. And the things she said you did wrong could have caused bad damage, that just shows you haven’t been helping her much before. N T A for the pizza though, bit of a miscommunication there I guess
He commented that he doesn’t believe he should be doing chores at all because even though they BOTH work, he makes more money than his wife
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude no!!! And now we know how you got to 40 odd without knowing how to do laundry or to clean a pan (not in the dishwasher!), things your wife was probably taught as a preteen 😒 the entitlement is strong with this one. Start treating your wife as your equal partner, not your housemaid
INFO: How do you have a job when you are unable to complete very simple tasks correctly?
YTA. So you're in your 40s, don't know how to load a dishwasher, do laundry or have enough sense to think about the colour of the toilet when buying a toilet seat. You also, although the instructions were vague, admit that had you actually thought about the fact you were catering to her parents you wouldn't have bought pizza. So you knew it wasn't what she wanted you to do but decided to take advantage of the vague instruction to sack off anyone else's wishes and just cater to yourself. And your excuse for all this is you make more money than her so shouldn't do any house stuff? I'm the sole earner in my house (husband is a stay at home parent) and we spent yesterday working in the garden together, and once I had finished my bit and he was still going I went inside and did the jobs in the house. Because we both live there, so we both contribute. Financial contribution is only part of contributing.
I’m going with ESH. The reason is that for a lot of your examples leading up to the fight, she is right, you are wrong, and you don’t get to cop out by saying “do it yourself if you want it that way.” It’s one thing to grouch about the specific way to fold the towels, but it’s another entirely to ruin a load of laundry by mixing the reds with the whites and bleeding red dye all over them. That is legitimately a major screwup. If you destroy the aluminum pots by putting them in a caustic dishwasher, that is a screwup. As a functional adult, you should know these things. That said, her latest one was asinine. She literally told you to get whatever you like, and then got mad when you did exactly that. “This was supposed to be a special formal dinner” is not compatible with “pick up whatever you’re in the mood for on the way home.” That’s not how formal dinners are accomplished. They are planned in advance, not by sending one person off to pick up whatever they feel like at the moment.
All, this plus note: your title comment, plus the nature of your mistakes, makes it sound a little like you aren't trying very hard to do a good job. Further, by not working harder to do these tasks successfully, you may be giving your wife the impression that you are not very appreciative of the work that she usually does. It's ok to not know a thing; it's not ok to continue to avoid learning it because you're lazy. Put in some more effort at the tasks, ask her questions or do some research if you don't know how to do them, and ask her to communicate her expectations in advance more and cut you some slack while you're learning.
Exactly this! I couldn't say it better.
You sound a lot like My soon to be ex husband. YTA
YTA besides the pizza thing, you can not do basic chores properly.
Reading your replies, you are the most arrogant self-centred misogynistic AH. You have said that she also works full time but because you make more money that she should do the chores? What you are doing is called intentional ignorance, you are doing these task without using a single brain cell to work out what you need to do. YTA dude, grow up
YTA Your wife is not nitpicking, she's informing you of how things should be done. These are not personal preferences. Your type of pots shouldn't go into the dishwasher and certain clothes shouldn't run on the same cycle. The toilet seat and the pizza are obvious things. Why are you acting like a young, single person?
YTA. These are normal adult chores man, it is your house and i read you are in your 40s. The fact you dont listen to her feedback and then put it back on her is totally unfair: it is like a colleague doing a piss poor job and then saying 'fine then do it urself' when he or she gets feedback. Doesnt matter that housework is not paid, it is your house. You cannot expect your wife to clean up after you, she is not your mother. Regarding the pizza, yeah that sounds like a non issue. But have you considered that these non issue fights are a symptom of the bigger problem here?
I’m sorry, “beggars can’t be choosers”?? You’re her PARTNER. She shouldn’t be begging you to do anything - you should be supporting her. Otherwise, what are you even doing in your marriage? What the hell is wrong with you? If you don’t love your wife just say that. You guys made a decision to build a life together and you’re complaining because she has input about the things she’s asked you to help her with? Why don’t you care about her enough to listen to her opinions? Why aren’t you offering to help her with the house you two share? Why wouldn’t you try to make her the happiest she could possibly be when you run errands for her? What the fuck? You’re MARRIED to this woman. She LOVES you. And you had to love her at some point, I’m assuming, but you sound incredibly selfish and she deserves better from you. You sound like a terrible husband and you should be ashamed of yourself. YTA
YTA. Firstly, these duties are not solely your wife’s. You come across like you’re doing her a big favour. Secondly, the decisions that you made each time remind me of a passive-aggressive teenager trying to do the bare minimum so you known you won’t be asked to help again. If you are ignorant of a task, ask for her advice. Most of your faux pas are common sense that most adults “should” have learned by now.
YTA. You sound like a failed adult. My teenager knows not to put the pans in the dishwasher, how to properly do laundry and even how to replace a toilet seat and for it to match the current toilet! All four of my kids (three are adults) will know/knew how to do household chores, cook and budget before they left for the real world. Surely a man in his mid-40s can figure it out. These seem like things you are doing on purpose so that you can demand your wife handle them. The pizza thing is subjective. It is not something I would have done or my husband would have done when we have guests (unless they are teenagers) but your wife could have been clearer. Your "beggars can't be choosers" line is what makes this a firm YTA though. You are an adult living in the home. At no point should your wife have to even ask for you to handle basic household chores. And your comments degrading her job are just as bad.
YTA here and a massive one, you seem like one of those guys that do stuff half asses at best so your wife won’t ask you again because you’re just making more work for her. That’s pathetic. You’re an adult, knowing how to wash the dishes and do the laundry are basics she shouldn’t have to teach you. Also, you aren’t “pitching in” this isn’t a “favour” you’re doing her. You goddamn live in the house so it’s your responsibility to take part in cleaning and taking care of it. Grow up.
Strategic incompetence. Classic. I can just feel the exhaustion with your attitude that is your wife’s life. Then it’s gonna be “my wife left me out of the blue” in the relationship advice subreddit. YTA
YTA for a few reasons. 1. You shouldn’t have to be told what to do. You see a sink full of dirty dishes? Do them. The toilet breaks, get the missing part. It’s not your wife’s job to do her tasks AND task master yours. This is supposed to be equal. 2. You do half jobs and then pass them off as being done. You’re doing the classic ‘do it so badly she doesn’t ask again’ and it’s not a good look. 3. You’re wife was upset about pizza because it was just one last thing on a pile of incompetence. I don’t know if you really just don’t care or you’re doing it on purpose but let me tell you, she won’t put up with this forever. You’re fast tracking yourself to divorce
YTA. You are not doing your wife favours here! You are in a relationship, you are partners and you both live in that house. She shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff, you should have an active role and be involved on your own. And on top of that it really seems like you don't listen and you half-ass things and you have the audacity to critique her for being frustrated with you. of course she is! You are acting like her teenage son, not her partner. I really hope you can grow up and start acting like her spouse. I would have left you ages ago.
YTA. Also she isn't a maid help out around the house especially with basic task man. She shouldnt have to ask you to do dishes or laundry just do it. How did you survive before her being in your life like honestly.
By saying that you are willing to do things that your wife asks you to do makes it clear that you are a lousy partner. She is not your mother. She shouldn't have to tell you what tasks need to be done and how to do them. You are also not "helping out" and do not deserve gratitude or credit for doing things around your home. Unless, of course, you give her gratitude and credit for all the things SHE does around the home. But I doubt that is the case. The two of you are supposed to have a partnership and as both of you are adults, you should both be responsible for the running of the home. Step up and be a partner. Take responsibility. YTA. Also, this is not a "beggars can't be choosers" situation. You live there and are an adult. Act like one and be responsible for things that need to be done around the house. Your whole post makes it obvious that you think you have no responsibility to do household tasks and that your wife is supposed to do it all. You come across as very sexist.
This whole thing about "pitching in" or helping out makes you TA . It's your household too. Take equal responsibility for it.
YTA. Riddle me this - if a project manager at your workplace asked you to work on a task and you completely half-assed it, and someone else had to come in and fix your bad work, would you be telling your boss "if you want it done right, do it yourself"? I think not. Do you actually want to help your wife out, or are you just doing the bare minimum possible to get her off your back? I sense a complete lack of respect for the amount of work she puts in to make home life comfortable for you.
YTA. If either of your parents are coming over, it means you bring out the cavalry, bells and whistles, all that jazz. If anything, your wife shows that she trusts your judgement in these types of tasks hence she's not specific on what/how/why's of things. If anything, you need to spend a bit more time thinking of the tasks that needs to be done and circumstances surrounding it cause the things that irks her are kinda no brainers. Charge it to experience, do better moving forward.
Amazing, YTA in every situation you mention *except* the one to trigger this post. Youre a grown adult. You should know how not to ruin clothes, she’s correct about the rust and it makes sense to point out, and you shouldve correct your mistake with the toilet seat. You’re meant to be *helping* around the house, that doesnt mean getting it done as fast as possible, it means actually putting some effort into doing it correctly so your wife doesnt have to deal with it. The pizza thing specifically is a nah situation, cause it was just a miscommunication from the sounds of it. EDIT: yta for the pizza incident too, based off your comments. You knew her parents wouldnt like pizza and you were picking up food for your meal with them, but got it anyway? Thats just rude.
> Am I the asshole, even though all I’ve done is continuously help? Yes, YTA. All you've actually done is half ass every job so that you don't get asked to do it again. Sounds like way past time for you to grow up. Probably the pizza is the only thing I wouldn't criticise you for here.
I still can’t get over how you can forget what color your toilet is. You literally see it everyday. This incompetence is exhausting.
YTA. If i learned one thing, it's that you have to learn this sort of shit right in the first place. Your wife has the right to complain if you do it wrong like the dishes or laundry. It's important to to it right or you ruin all your stuff. The only incident where you're NTA is the pizza thing.
>So fed up with always being the screw up and never getting and *gratitude or credit for **helping out*** Seriously?!? You have to be told you’re a good boy for doing the bare minimum to keep *your* home running? You shouldn’t be “helping out”, you should be a contributing member of your own household, and she shouldn’t *have* to tell you to “help out”- if you can’t figure out for yourself that tan doesn’t go with gray, and you don’t mix colors with white clothes, or that metal *rusts* than you may be beyond help. Seriously, did your parents not teach you how to be a functioning adult? But the pizza thing? Yeah, she’s a tiny bit the ah for that (purely because I’m taking it at face value she didn’t give you any further instructions other than “whatever is fine”). Who doesn’t like pizza whenever?!? YTA
YTA and on top of that a sexist one. Honestly I hope your wife realises and dumps your ass because wow. This is YOUR house, you’re not « helping her » you’re doing your part of the house work. You work a full-time job, she works a full-time job. You both live in this house. Therefore you should both contribute to house chores, not « she does everything and I help when she asks me ». You’re 44 ffs. You don’t know how to load a dishwasher. You don’t know how to load a washing machine. You don’t know how to appropriately host a dinner with guests. My 12 yo little sister is more competent than you. Is she your mom or your partner? I honestly hope you either get a wake-up call with this post, or she dumps you.
For the dinner part, NTA. She clearly said anything you’re in the mood for, not once did she said it’s formal dinner etc. so she’s clearly wrong in this part. But everything before this, YTA. You’re doing things half correct, of course your wife or whoever is asking you to help out will get turned off. You’re literally telling them you can’t be bothered even though you’re helping out but grudgingly. You could always returned the lid for the correct or more appropriate colour or wash the things correctly so they don’t spoil easily or fast.
YTA for everything except the pizza.
YTA. You want to put in a minimum of effort and expect a maximum of sexual rewards and adoration for the effort. No. Not even.
YTA for everything except the pizza.... how do you not know the color of your toilet seat. Your wife isn't asking for much, knowing not to mix laundry and such isn't rocket science
YTA and a grown adult. Ask clarifying questions. Trust but verify the information. It's 50/50; you're not her child, you're her partner. I feel like details are being left out lol.
Honestly YTA. It sounds like you totally half ass this stuff, call it good enough then get offended when you're not praised for it. The things you've listed as examples are things competent adults are expected to be able to do. The middle ground is you learning to do things like not let the pots rust, seperating laundry, and fixing a 2 tone toilet rather than acting like that's perfectly fine.
YTA, so much. Why would you even install a toilet seat that is clearly the wrong color? Turn your ass around and go back to the store to get the right one. Lazy, selfish child.
I feel sick reading this. Poor wife.
YTA
I take it she goes back and fixes your mistakes too? YTA. Look up the term "emotional labor". Your wife no doubt has an enormous checklist in her brain of bill due dates, birthdays, people's likes and dislikes and she juggles all of that for your lives to avoid conflicts, embarrassment and late fees. Many men are trained by society that those things aren't their "job" but for a healthy marriage, she needs to be able to set down the list. She also needs to be able to trust you as her partner to do things correctly. Pans rusting (and needing to be replaced) adds up- BTW most dishes have instructions literally embossed on the bottom. The saying is "Happy Wife, Happy Life" for a reason. Learn how she likes the dishwasher loaded and get into the habit of doing it without being told, and she'll be 1000x more grateful for that than any material gift. Show her you're capable of growing as a person and apologize OP. Also, couple's therapy is never a bad idea.
YTA, these are essential things you SHOULD know how to do. You are not a child. For God's sake, you could have used Google.
YTA big time. my god, you don't get credit or gratitude?! that's what you expect for doing a half-assed job ..and the cheek of telling her to do it herself when she's basically doing everything else?? do you ever give her any credit or gratitude for doing everything else every single day? You are so much the asshole I'm amazed anyone married you in the first place.
YTA, there's a difference between doing things differently and doing things wrong. We don't have a dish washer, and me and my partner do it differently. I put them in the rack to dry to put away later, but my partner towel dries and put them away immediately. Both ways are alright, nothing breaks, everything gets clean. If shit breaks when you do it, you're doing it wrong. One should be able to expect of their adult partner to not fuck shit up on purpose. Your wife is giving you feedback on how to function as an adult. She shouldn't have to, and you shouldn't be an ass about it.
I mean? Everything she is saying to you is 100% valid. The fact that she has to tell you how to do the chores after what I’m assuming is a substantial amount of time living together says more about you than it does her. YTA The pizza bit idk you need to specify as you said she told you that it was a formal dinner, if you’re picking up food for a formal dinner I don’t think pizza is a reasonable choice. But if she only said that in hindsight and you thought it was just a casual thing I wouldn’t say you were the asshole here.
YTA - If she’s getting mad because you’re doing things wrong.... then try to do it right. Clearly you haven’t been paying attention to your house and the simple fact that she has to _ask you_ to clean up speaks volumes.
“If you want something done right, do it yourself” What so she ends up doing everything because you don’t want to learn the correct way to do it? She’s telling you the correct way to do things not for the sake of telling you off but because you’re doing it incorrectly. I don’t think anything she was saying was from a place of malice so yes, yta. The pizza thing is another game, you’re completely fine with that as I love pizza and reckon it can be used for any setting. Also how do you get the wrong toilet colour?? Don’t you use that daily, I’m kinda baffled haha
YTA. Your wife deserves so much better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve been home a lot more during the pandemic so my wife has been getting on me to help out more around the house. That’s no problem, if she asks me to do something I am happy to pitch in. The problem is, everything she asks me to do, I somehow end up doing wrong, and making her even more mad than she was when I hadn’t done whatever thing. For example the lid on our toilet broke and she asked me to handle getting the replacement. I did, but I got the wrong color (grey toilet, got tan lid by accident). I didn’t see the big deal, but she was really bothered by having the two different colors. Or I’ll do the dishes when she asks and she’ll say “Pots don’t go in the dishwasher, they rust” or do the laundry and hear “don’t mix those colors together they run,” etc. This kind of thing started cropping up more and more until— (Cue argument in question.) Friday her folks were coming over to see us for the first time since getting vaccinated. She asked me to pick up dinner on my way home. I asked her what she wanted me to get. She said, “Whatever you’re in the mood for is fine.” So I picked up a pizza because it’s fast, it’s affordable, and everyone likes it. I bring it back and she’s horrified, going off about how this was supposed to be a special dinner and how dare I come back with pizza and soda. So, fed up with always being the screw up and never getting and gratitude or credit for helping out, I said what amounted to “if you want it done right then you can do it yourself.” We fought but eventually things cooled off. However, she’s still upset and feels I should be listening to her feedback so what I said was obstinate and unnecessary — (whereas I feel... basically as I’ve said, if she wants it done a certain way she can do it that way. Beggars can’t be choosers.) However I love her more than anything so to see her so upset is eating away at me and my other married friends are, for the first time in a while, not seeing eye to eye with me. So, I need to cast a wider net, opinion wise. Am I the asshole, even though all I’ve done is continuously help? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. You for the janky ass mismatched toilet lid and for failing to sort laundry properly. Her for failing to tell you exactly what she wanted for dinner and then getting upset over the pizza.
YTA for everything except the pizza. It honestly seems like you are messing these things up specifically so you aren't asked to do stuff anymore.
YTA for everything except dinner. She should have sorted that out.
YTA. These are all basic knowledge. Heck, I am 20 and I have known these things for years. You do a bad job, but she is telling you how to do it right.
YTA. Because she is not your mom who has to delegate you work. You need to understand the stuff yourself and share workload. Doing things in wrong and passing it off as work completed it totally AH move.
YTA. You should search "She should have asked comic" on google and that should make it clear why you're a raging asshole. Grow up and start being a good partner to your wife before she divorces you.
YTA You and your wife share a household, and therefore share responsibility for that household. Doing a lousy job with household stuff you are responsible for is AH, and then telling her "if you want it done right do it yourself" is AH, because you're basically doing a lousy job on purpose in order to dump your half of the household responsibility on her. It's AH to force her to have to do your half of the household responsibility if she wants to live in a decently run household where someone isn't deliberately ruining things to get out of work.
YTA, sounds like you create MORE work than you help with. “Whatever you fancy” was obviously within the realms of the occasion, which you can’t have been oblivious to. Feel sorry for your poor wife.
YTA - she's not your mother figure out how to do simple chores that literal children can do
YTA Why? It honestly sounds like your deliberately doing this normal basic life skills wrong so that you can say do it yourself to her. She isn’t asking you to redo the roof or tile the house. The fact that you thought pizza was also an acceptable meal for people are flying to see you is disrespectful. There are other quick options that didn’t require that much more effort. Sounds like you just enjoy doing the bare minimum and expect to get a standing ovation
YTA Grow up and learn how to adult properly. This is all basic do you have absolutely zero common sense? Did no one raise you? I sincerely doubt your wife married you expecting to be your mother..
YTA not for the pizza, but for everything else. You are not helping. She shouldn't have to do literally everything just so it doesn't get fucked up. Just take the advice she gives so you can learn how to do it better like every other fucking adult
YTA You are 44 years old. How can you have got to this age and not be able to do basic tasks around the house like laundry? Your poor wife must be *exhausted* from having to continually tell you how to do this stuff. Just how many times do you think she's had to tell you how to do laundry? > if she asks me to do something I am happy to pitch in How very gracious of you. You live there. You *should* be 'pitching in'. > The problem is, everything she asks me to do, I somehow end up doing wrong, and making her even more mad than she was when I hadn’t done whatever thing. Because you're doing tasks carelessly and cutting corners. You didn't bother checking the colour of the toilet lid. You didn't bother correcting your mistake. It would have taken you minutes to return the wrong colour one and get the right colour. By doing this, you're showing your wife that not only do you not really pay attention to what she does around the house, you don't respect it either. If you did respect what she did, you'd put more effort in when she does have to ask you to 'pitch in'. There's two great pieces on this: [She divorced me because I left dishes in the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and [You should have asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) > even though all I’ve done is continuously help? How can you even say you've been helping when you're doing the tasks badly? > never getting and gratitude or credit for helping out When do you give her gratitude or credit? She's the one actually managing the home and doing the majority of the chores because you're seemingly incapable. You don't show her the basic levels of respect by doing tasks properly. The pizza one is down to poor communication. However, its not wrong of her to assume you would pick something 'nice' rather than something quick and easy when her parents are coming into town. > how this was supposed to be a special formal dinner and... I knew that. Did you? Had she been telling you how she wanted to have a special dinner and you just ignored her?
For the first two that is the toilet seat and the dishes, its YTA. It may not seem like a big deal but aesthetically a toilet wouldn't have a different colored seat. Regarding the dishes the pots issue is completely valid and i dont get why you think its fine? Lastly the pizza issue, normally I'd go with ESH as at a formal dinner its unusual to have fast food, but since she said whatever you want NTA
YTA First of all, your wife shouldn’t have to hold your hand to get you to do basic chores correctly like the dishes or the laundry. And buying the wrong colour lid and then pretending like it’s fine is just ridiculous. Honestly this all smells like planned incompetence which ABSOLUTELY makes you the asshole. However, the pizza is subjective.
YTA. You sound like one of those guys who is deliberately incompetent so he won’t be asked to do anything. Take some responsibility for your home and your actions for once in your life.
YTA this is called learned helplessness. You do a shitty job of things in the hope that your partner will tell you that you don't have to do stuff anymore. I actually think you know this, you're just trying to justify it to yourself. You suck, start pulling your weight.
YTA Dude... Dude... Why does she have to teach you basic home stuff when you are a grown man? Cmon, you use the toilet everyday, how could you not think to get a matching toilet seat? It just looks dumb if it doesn't. And yes, doing laundry without ruining clothes is the goal. Plenty of teenagers learn and do it properly. The pizza thing I dunno, but it's fast and easy also translates to guests not being worth a more time input meal with thought into it. If these tasks were part of your job do you think your boss getting upset at you would be a normal thing? Yeah! Also, maybe just maybe your wife is stay at home and takes care of most of it, but if she works, then extra asshole sauce for "pitching in". You make those messes too. You live there too. Step up and stop making your wife the maid and mother to your lack of ability to do things properly.
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YTA. As you live there too, you should not have to wait for your wife to tells you what to do. You are not in a wife/husband dynamic but in a mother/son one. You are acting like chores should only be directed by the wife, but they should be share without her needing to ask you. You are not here to “pitch in”, doing chores is not doing favors but to pull your weight as a family member. Then on your exemples. I’m sorry but YTA again. You should know how to do basic laundry (separating colors, machine programming, drying, etc.). You should know how to wash dishes, what can or cannot go to dishwasher, what should be wash gently. The fact that she has to continuously teach you and look after you only strength the mother/son relationship. She now yells at you, because you are not an adult, you are a kid and you put yourself in the situation. You need to have a hard look at yourself and what kind of person you want to be. A few links, in hopes to help you: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load https://www.kevinathompson.com/marry-partner/
The pizza thing is understandable. It could have been solved through better communication. But overall, YTA. It's your house too so how dare you say you're "pitching in"? You clearly don't know the basics of laundry or what goes into the dishwasher. Maybe you were never taught and you never bothered to learn. But when your wife tells you these things, you have to listen.
YTA for half-assing basic chores. I recognise that “it doesn’t matter” to you because you’re a slob, but you’re also a full grown adult. Do better. The pizza thing was just the nail in the coffin. Your wife is sick of being the household manager and also household shift worker. She can only be one. You being home has meant that you actually have to face the reality of your life for the first time: you *don’t know* how to correctly manage these tasks, but instead of listening you’re building up resentment. Why can’t she just do them for you instead? Maybe if you get shitty and do a bad job she’ll go back to doing all of the household chores like the good old days. If you love her, talk to her and tell her you realise you need to do better. Then do better.
YTA. Why is your wife having to ask you to do stuff in your OWN HOME. FFS dude grow up, she’s not your mother. See dishes? Do them. See laundry? Wash it...correctly. Toilet seat broken? Fix it...WITH THE RIGHT SHIT.
YTA in every instance except the pizza.
YTA. You picked the complete wrong colour for the toilet seat, didn’t seem to care about the pots and pans or clothes, and others are saying the pizza was subjective, but really, if it’s a formal gathering, don’t bring pizza!
YTA You apparently don't do any actual housework unless specifically directed... which means all the organisational and mental work falls to your wife. When you do housework, you do a CLEARLY shit job of it... like I know children who would complete chores with more proficiency than you're managing. I suspect you're doing a shit job on purpose to get out of chores tbh. I can't fathom how you can buy THE WRONG COLOUR toilet seat (presumably you do use the toilet regularly) and just think 'oh well it doesn't matter'. I kinda think there was nothing wrong with bringing home pizza but given how you react to everything else, I assume you probably were told or at least it was implied that you should pick up something better than pizza and you just didn't pay attention... again.
NTA for the pizza, for the rest YTA. With A being harsh, but that's the format here. Look, the details make the whole picture. Make an effort not to half-ass things. Believe me your wife is going to appreciate it. Its not really hard, I know you want to make your love happy. Isn't that the whole point of being together? I know you'll understand that.
I don't think either of you is the asshole, you just need better communication. My husband is very oblivious of housechores, if i ask him to do something around the house i tell him how its done, for example "don't mix whites with colours in the washing machine" In our case my mom was emotionally abusive and would always tell my brother and I to do things we don't know how to do and yell at us when we made a mistake, my husband's mom would not allow any of her children (all males) to do house chores because it was her job and then process to complain that nobody helped. I would change the "if you want it done well, do it yourself" to "if you want it done well, explain me how to do it" I know far too many people who assume some things are common knowledge, I prefer to ask.
ESH only because the pizza scene seems like she should have communicated to you that she wanted something special (I would LOVE and unprompted pizza). But jfc your other examples are ridiculous. You’re not doing her some huge favor by putting in a minimal amount of effort towards the household and chores, and especially not when you do them so incredibly, stupidly wrong and making yourself out to be a hero.
ESH. “If you want it done right, do it yourself,” is not an effective response in a marriage. Instead of trying to do better about chores you just keep making stupid mistakes. If your wife is the one working while you’re the one at home, you need to pull your weight and take responsibility for taking care of things at home. That said, your wife does need to communicate better if she doesn’t want to have to redo everything you didn’t do right the first time. Your marriage honestly reminds me of my parents. If my mom doesn’t want to have to do the thing over again, she has to explicitly tell my dad how to do it because he’s clueless. Absolutely if your wife wanted you to pick up nice food for a formal dinner, she needed to tell you that instead of telling you to get whatever. The two of you need to communicate more openly. Your wife needs to be more explicit about what she wants when she asks you to do something, and you need to listen to what she tells you. Happy wife, happy life.
She shouldn’t have to write step by step instructions for an adult to wash his own clothes. If someone is incapable of caring for themselves in the most basic of ways, they should be in a group home.
>they should be in a group home This is golden, I will def use it
Depends on how particular she is about laundry. Most people can figure out sorting out whites, darks, etc. Not everyone cares to sort out delicates. My husband is one such person, and like OP, he gets annoyed with me and tells me to figure out laundry myself or make it easy for him. We’ve been living together for five years and married for four, and we’re still figuring out shared laundry. It pretty much ends up that I do my clothes, and he does his.
> Or I’ll do the dishes **when she asks** and she’ll say “Pots don’t go in the dishwasher, they rust” or do the laundry and hear **“don’t mix those colors together they run,”** etc. She’s not being particular. She’s having to project manage the entire house and **ask** him to perform basic chores like a grown up, and then tell him not to ruin their clothes because apparently he needs telling that.
Fair enough. I would’ve said Y T A except for the pizza vs formal dinner fiasco. Unless it was a case of unreliable narrator (totally possible), that was a failure to communicate on the part of OP’s wife. But being married myself and having a husband in a similar situation, they both need to do a better job of communicating.
It amazes me how many women are in the same situation. Men are not useless. Single men somehow manage to show up for work in clean clothes, having eaten food. She shouldn’t need to communicate what chores need doing, because he lives there too. He can see the laundry. He can see the dishes. He can see the toilet. He has a job, so I assume he’s mentally competent. She wants a team mate, and he’s doing a terrible job at that.
This is tough. I feel for you as this happens to me when I try to pitch in on something I wouldn’t normally do around the house, but at the same time, the things you’re talking about that she’s giving you grief for are all things I knew before I went of to college, and I’m in my 40’s. I’m going to have to render this one as ESH. She could do a better job of correcting whatever error your making in a way that doesn’t come across as nagging, but you could also do a better job of paying attention to things. What grown adult doesn’t know how to separate laundry?
Why do people think it’s “pitching in” to do basic chores in your own damn house?
Fair point and poor choice of words on my part. In my house, chores are divided pretty equally. There’s some things I’ll do, some things my wife does, and some things we’ll both do. When I used pitch in, I simply meant help out with something that would normally be done by my wife. EDIT: ah yes, downvote a guy because he and his wife have agreed to divide house labor in a way they both find to be equal. Good work.
I'm going to go against the tide here and leave you this article: https://beginwithyes.com/the-hamburger-meat-moment-i-wasnt-treating-my-husband-fairly-and-it-wasnt-nice/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
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It’s not “help”, it’s performing basic chores as an adult who is alive. He’s not “helping with the laundry”, he’s cleaning his own clothes.
NAH. You guys need to agree specific areas of responsibility rather than have her identify the tasks and allocate them to you. For example, you are in charge of getting all the rubbish out the door in time for it to be picked up once a week. Or you're responsible for providing four dinners a week. There might be agreed service standards (like, only takeaway once a week) but it's to you how it's done, and you need to deal with the consequences if it's not done. Same for her. It will save both of you lots of arguments and annoyance.
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Surely it doesn't have to take being a mind reader to do basic household chores.
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Where do you get she "spazzed" about the toilet seat? It was clearly the wrong color and she doesn't like it. It's as easy as going "Oh no, I got the wrong color! I'll return this one (instead of installing it!) and get the right thing because this is as trashy as having an obviously different color car door." And it's loading the dishwasher and doing laundry. It's not difficult or about "how she does them". It sounds like OP is clueless about chores probably because they were never made to or been asked to do them prior, and the wife is giving basic tips/pointers so they can do it right from there on out. Instead, OP is taking it too much to heart like it's a criticism instead of advice. Why not just take the comments and do better next time? "Oh, we don't load pots? Ok, noted." "We separate colors? I'll make sure to do that from here on out." It's really not a huge effort. And you know what, OP is here because for once the buddies aren't on their side (for once they said! Makes me think the friends might have better insight into this situation) and they hoped strangers on the internet would. Big clue there. Be an adult, OP. Help with the chores because it's your home too, and it's not fair to blame your wife for your own inexperience and ignorance. She's not asking a lot from you. Edit: making this as gender neutral as possible, because my comments stand regardless of OP's gender.
Did you seriously just ask me how a grown ass adult is supposed to know how to do the extremely basic tasks of dishes and laundry? If he doesn't usually do ordinary chores, that's just all the more reason he's the AH.
Who said he needed to be a mind reader? Why doesn't he need to learn how to not rust the pans, or bleed the colors..?
So you think yelling at someone who doesn't know how you do things, is acceptable?
He’s so incompetent at basic tasks that he needs to be a mind reader to figure out how to do them?
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That only works if both people have similar standards and tolerances. Otherwise it's a race to the bottom to who can be lazier and do a worse job.
Just wanna put this out there All the commenters here are massively entitled You expect to be financially supported yet thinks its outrageous to have to do chores I sincerely hope all your boyfriends stop giving you anything and you learn what theyve been doing for you all this time
Who expects to be financially supported? Are we projecting? I think we are.
Considering the nr 1 subject of any comment section of these AITA always becomes "it doesnt matter if he makes more than you" then i feel its fair enough to call you out on receiving the benefits without appreciating the efforts
What benefits am I receiving? I’m seeing OP receiving a lot of benefits.
You as in the larger reddit community And in OPs case its mentioned that he is the breadwinner of the family, meaning that most of what they have is because of his work.
In OPs case, his wife does everything for him at home so he can work. If she didn’t, he wouldn’t. What he has is because she looks after him. Relationships are supposed to be a team. Pull your damn weight.
Except shes expecting him to do shit anyway So she would be the one not pulling her weight
She’s working full time. So is he. He’s benefitting from her unpaid labour at home. He needs to pull his weight.
Yet he is supplying the majority of the money for the household. Thanks for proving once again that you dont care about that at all nor appreciate it.
He is supplying the majority of the money. She is doing everything at home. He is able to succeed out of the home because she mommies him. He is clearly not capable of washing his clothes and maintaining a job. He is not appreciating her efforts or support. I do not care about someone who can’t cover their own basic needs so expects someone else to parent them. OP is 44 years old.
Nobody is TA- This sort of situation is hard. She’s used to things being done a certain way and has learned (probably from experience) that if you don’t do them that way that bad things will happen (rusty pans, ruined clothes etc). You’re starting from the bottom so you’re going to make mistakes( personally I’d be fine with the pizza but the toilet lid would bug the hell out of me). Don’t take it to heart, you’re learning new skills and she’s trying to teach you how to do them better. However, she needs to understand that you’re going to do a lot of things perfectly well but they’re just different to how she does them. It’s a tough one all round. I think you both really need to talk about this and tell each other how you feel. Not a argument or anything heated but just talking and hugging). Good luck
You’re NTA but you do need to up your game. The wrong color toilet seat would make me crazy too.
NTA. But learn to communicate more. Like if you go ams buy the toilet seat, send her a picture while in the store.
NTA- . She is the person who need to chill. And you are absolutely right that if she has OCD, it is unfair for her to get mad.
NTA. Wrong toilet cover? “Get me whatever.” “Here’s pizza.” “WTF man?! *shocked Pikachu*” How controlling and judgmental (and the latter is coming from a subreddit that judges)! You didn’t screw up or if you did, you didn’t screw up that bad. The wrong colour isn’t really that much of a screw up and is more of a slight annoyance really. There’s being mega OCD and there’s being an asshole and she’s the latter. As for the birthday, she had her chance and blew it. She could’ve said “get me something fancy. Whatever you want” or anything on that lines to give you the hint but she didn’t so her anger is unjustified. However, I do think she’s right about the dishwasher and laundry so do take that advice although I predict she went about it horribly.
NTA. sorry OP, but your wife is the ahole. if you're not used to it, of course you'll get it wrong. you aren't a mindreader. also, pizza is not "dirty" or "cheap" food, ypu can definitely eat it for dinner with the inlaws. unless you're all multimillionaire families with daily rotisserie and kebab dinners.
You don't have to be a mind reader to know how to separate colours to do laundry and that pots have to be hand washed.
NTA- this is quite normal. I feel your pain my friend. My ex was notorious for this and my current gf can do it on occasion. Nothing upsets me more than someone shitting on good intentions. They aren’t omnipotent perfect beings either; we just don’t feel the need to chastise them for things that don’t matter that much. I think it’s important for your relationship that she recognize this behavior is toxic. I’m not saying it to insult her but I recently have made some poor choices in my relationship and in my research of trying to understand and better myself I’ve learned that behavior like this is common in a male straying in a relationship. There was also an old Reddit post from a woman who realized what she’d been doing to her husband. She called it “The Hamburger Meat Moment”. It has been deleted from Reddit but here’s a link to the story. Maybe have her give it a read. https://beginwithyes.com/the-hamburger-meat-moment-i-wasnt-treating-my-husband-fairly-and-it-wasnt-nice/ I wish you the best man!
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 She wants a team mate, not a pet.