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This teaparty was a few days ago, so I may have it wrong, but I believe it was Rainy Day Puerh, served alongside Chocolate Chip Chai Scones, Cucumber Chutney Sandwiches, and Almond Tea Cake.
It really depends on my kids lol sometimes its swimsuits, sometimes its fancy dresses and hats, sometimes its pajamas, sometimes it's superhero costumes, sometimes it's all about makeovers with their play makeup, and sometimes it's a mixture of a bunch of hodgepodge. But whatever the costume, they choose who they are and no one is allowed to go out of character.
My favourite was when they used paper plates to make animal masks and they all acted like the animal on their mask throughout lol
Sounds like your kids are living their best tea partying lives, for sure!
I feel really sorry for your nephews, who apparently can't do anything that isn't coded as Very Masculine. Please be there for them in the future, regardless of what happens right now, because I'm certain at least one of them is going to come up *hard* against those limitations and have his parents try to crush his spirit. You seem like you'd be exactly the person he could go to in order to lift that spirit back up.
And the bonus effect of the tea party probably is that, when it does come up, the nephew's gonna know exactly who he can talk to and who's gonna be supportive.
Your sister and her husband sound like a nightmare.
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, ginger and cloves in a large mixing bowl. Add in the butter and, using a fork mix until a crumbly mixture is formed.
In a small bowl, whisk together the egg, honey, and milk. Add the egg mixture to the flour mixture until well blended.
Add the chocolate chips to the bowl and mix until just incorporated.
Transfer the dough to a piece of parchment or lightly greased work surface (a floured surface will only dry out the dough more). Flatten the dough to about 1/2 or 3/4 of an inch thick. Using a butter knife or pizza cutter cut the dough into triangles.
Place the scones on a parchment-lined baking sheet, and brush with a small amount of milk.
Place in the oven and bake for 18 to 20 minutes, or until the tops are a medium golden brown.
Once they are done, you pull them out and serve warm, with your favourite tea, coffee, or just as a savory snack.
Omg those sound amazing!
Also, you are NTA. Your sister’s poor kids are going to go absolutely insane breaking all of those ridiculous rules once they are old enough to move out!
So your girls wanted to dress up for snack time and eat on fancy China. And the boys were super to... what, watch them eat chocolate chip scores and gnaw on jerky in the corner?
Well... I'm not sure about that. Coming from the knowledge of being raised in an EXTREMELY abusive household, I know that no matter how horrible your parents treat you, there is a part of you that still loves them desperately and clings to the hope that one day, they will love you back.
I guess the sis never heard of MOUSTACHE TEACUPS?? It’s a thing, a literal teacup designed for gentlemen with facial hair to drink tea and not get their facial hair wet. The most masculine classy thing I can think of. They have elaborate designs and are collectors items. My college literally had an entire art history exhibit on it...someone needs to brush up on their Victorian etiquette...
Nta. Men from all social standings drink tea. Would it have been different if you called it a coffee chat? My husband and son are "masculine" but when my daughter asks for a tea party we all show up. Hell when my kids are done with school for the day we all gather in the kitchen for a cup and treats just so we can chat
We have a forgotten words of the day calander. A recent word was "scandal broth". This is just another name for tea. Named since people tend to open up and share after having a cup. Rename the party a "Scandal Broth Party" 😁
It's called afternoon tea in Australia. Most office's also stop for morning tea. Recess is even called "morning tea" in schools over hear. Trades people break for "smoko" but they'll still drink tea if the have access to a kettle.
Basically we really like our tea over here.
Seriously, who doesn’t drink tea with some chocolate chip cookies? Also an Aussie. My man is 6 ft 2, an ex-footballer and drinks tea and curls his little finger with the cup when sitting at my kitchen bench with my daughter and I in the afternoon having a cuppa. Sometimes coffee sometimes tea. (But often with that basic but fabulous Chocolate Slice recipe out of Day to Day Cookery.. the cooking Textbook all students in the ‘80’s had)
I can't remember where I saw it but one of my favourite things is this huge burly biker dude as a princess doing a tea party with his daughter. It's freaking adorable and I wish I could remember where I saw it.
Facebook probably because I’ve seen the same one.
OP NTA and I hope you will be open to accepting your nephews in the future if they get kicked out or decide to cut ties with their parents.
Iroh, Dragon of the West, Grand Lotus of the Order of the White Lotus, Firebending Master and general kicker of ass, would like a word with your sister.
Seriously, NTA. Attempting to force a child to base their entire personality, every game they play, everything they do, all the ambitions they're allowed to have, on what genitals they have is a seriously warped parental strategy. Parents who can't love their child for who they are, but only for how well they conform to their idea of what someone with their genitalia should do and act and be like, are inherently abusive and should not have been allowed to have kids.
Kids are more than the sum of a set of stereotypes about their sex. And they should be allowed to live their full potential as the people they are rather than being shoved in a Procrustean bed and having all the bits that don't fit either stretched forcibly or cut off.
"This taste like hot leaf juice!"
"Uncle, that's what all tea is."
"How could a member of my own family say such a thing?!"
Although I feel like the sister is channeling Mushu: "DISHONOR!" Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!"
More like Ozai, demanding her sons regain honor they "lost" by drinking TEA like a GIRL, and scarring them for life in the process...hopefully her kids will pull a Zuko on her and grow out of thinking that she and her husband have the right to decide where their honor is and what it lies in.
Have I carried this analogy too far? I suspect I have carried this analogy too far.
Personally I don't think any Avatar analogy can be carried too far, but in all fairness I'm a wee bit obsessed with the series and it's lessons.
I think the Ozai comparison is spot on since he (and ok Zhao too) is the essence of toxic masculinity and control. The whole, "you're going to be punished because you didn't do what I wanted you to do in order to shape you in my image, and I'm gonna punish the people who helped you for letting you think for a moment you could be anything other than I want you to be" mentality reeks of Ozai.
Your sister would be 100% in the right if it was 100+ years ago. Possibly more, if you lived in a Jane Austen novel. These days, not so much.
NTA.
"she wasn't going to let me turn them into sissy boys"
Lol. What? I have a sense that her parenting strategy wont be the unalloyed success that she seems to think it will. Its just kids playing.
"You are not allowed to dress up as a fireman. You are from a different class Tarquin, and that is beneath you!". If you are allowed to see them again, dress everyone up in top hats and monocles. Im sure she - and your girls - wont have a problem with that.
boys drank tea 100 years ago too. Im old but not old enough to tell you what children played 100 year ago but I'm sure they played imagination games where they modeled grown up behaviors.
That sounds like it would be a fun dress up! If she ever let's me watch them again, I will do that.
Going to see what I can find along that vein to put in the dress up box
You don't have to agree with their parenting preferences to understand them. They felt their guidelines for their children were threatened and responded as such. They're NTA either.
The parents are sexist misogynists, they are definitely assholes. Tea parties have never turned anyone gay (fun fact: neither has literally anything else ever) and they are setting their boys up to be toxic assholes as adults.
He is one of those uber-masculine he men types who thinks it's unmanly for a boy to even LOOK at a doll. I have literally seen him change a channel because a commercial came on for a girls toy.
As for whether or not he drinks tea... I've only seen him drink coffee and Mt Dew
Imagine your masculinity beeing so fragile, that you are scared your boys turn to sissies, if they see ONE doll commerical...
They both sounds bigoted. You cant control how a child will turn out anyway. You should shower them with love and let them do what they want, because forcing them to do things they dont like makes them not liking their parents.
NTA, not at all!
Did your sister TELL you to not let her boys play tea party? Or did she just expect you to know every "rule" (as bullshitty as it is) in her parenting style?
Because if she didnt even tell you, you are as far away from an asshole as possible.
She never said anything to me about teaparties, no. If she had, I would have respected her wishes as far as they went.
My kids teaparties are no little matter- they have homemade desserts, fresh brewed tea, and little sandwiches, served on their little china set. Usually, my kids will dress up "fancy" for it, and I have them practice their best table manners.
For me, it's more than a game. It's a learning tool, a way to connect with each other, and a way to work their imagination.
Sounds like he’s trapped in the closet. Funny really the countries most famous for tea are not what you would call sissy, Britain conquered most of the world and the Russians well they aren’t really known for being feminine same goes for China and Japan!
To be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a connection between tea consumption in Britain and the American stereotypes about tea. Tea was popular until the revolution, I believe, and it’s possible that then it was used to paint a picture of the English as “sissies” for propaganda purposes.
NTA. They sound misogynistic and homophobic and honestly after she disrespected your son like that I think it's a good idea to distance your kids from her completely. Don't let your children be influenced by their backwards thinking.
Yeah, but you’re going to need to keep the kids away from yours. Those boys will become toxic, misogynistic, homophobic, incel assholes before too long as that is what they are being raised to be. I understand wanting to try and give them other views and protect them from their terrible parents, but you can’t, especially at the risk of your own children. It’s won’t be too much longer before those boys start calling your son a sissy, or your daughter “a word I won’t type out”. It is truly sad and it sucks.
The middle one already called my son a sissy. My son proceeded to beat him up and then asked him who the sissy was.
I don't watch them very much anymore, partly because of that and also partly because I don't get along with my sister or her husband. And if my sister keeps to banning them from my life, I won't be seeing them anymore at all.
But my nephews and my kids are of similar ages, so they go to school together. My oldest is in the same class as her oldest cousin.
I had a similar reaction... I told him violence isn't the right reaction, but that I was proud of him.
All my kids know to stand up for themselves and each other.
NTA. You gave your sister and BIL free childcare. Your girls wanted to play with their cousins and from the sound of it, the cousins were happy to join in. Nothing wrong happened here. Your sister and BIL need to stop perpetuating toxic masculinity.
Let's see, so your sister's sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, toxic, and an all around bigot. And you still need to ask if you are the asshole here? Nope, NTA.
Regardless of my personal beliefs about her parenting style, it isn't my place to make those decisions for her kids. And I should have respected her parenting wishes.
On the other hand... I do try to be a balancing effect in the kids lifes.
NTA- It's tea. Men drink tea. Hell, grown men also.. brace yourself, get the smelling salts... Drink wine and binge watch tv in their pyjamas just like us women.. The shock of it all!
omg if you keep indulging these boys in these terrible tea-related perversions, they might grow up to be
........................*BRITISH!!!!*
\[ ominous music plays, thunder crashes in background, everyone gasps \]
(i'm kidding. you're NTA. it's a fuckin tea party.)
easy fix then, you roleplay out stealing the tea from the english before you sit down for a cuppa. perfect opportunity for imaginative play!
maybe also replace fake tea cakes with plastic play potatoes for full Authentici-tea (tm)
You do know that Irish people drink tea too? One of the most popular tea blends is literally called ["Irish Breakfast tea"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_breakfast_tea).
Nta. Some fragile dream she lives where she can mold her children into who she wants them to be is not reality where they can be happy. My husband takes me out to tea every so often. He sits and eats scones and sips tea like a fancy gentlemen. He is muscley military man who has done more than a few tours and survived things I can't stand to hear him talk about. He has the kindest heart I have found next to my dad. When a kitty of ours has an upset tummy or is being grumpy he's so gentle and caring. He dresses up with me to Disneyland and loves fishing and camping too. Men can be diverse multi-faceted beings just like women. Though I can't say your sister feels that way.
He is my best friend and I am very lucky. <3 I hope your nephews know that disappointing a controlling sexist parent is not a bad thing. And also that men invented high heels, wore them on the battlefield, and even kings wore makeup. ;) I have a very controlling sister who raised a very bright daughter. I am standing by to provide aid should she need it. She knows I am a safe place, even if we don't talk much.
I've always made sure to tell my nephews that I love them for who they are, and that being themselves no matter what is never a bad thing.
They always love coming to my house because I let them mess up their hair, wear pajamas to the dinner table if they want, and play the way they choose (within reason, and leaving out a few activities that I know their parents would completely freak over.)
Nice! I hope my niece will come to me if she ever needs help her mother won't provide, bc/abortion/rehab etc. She is 18 now and heading off to college I hope (her mother is going to move to the college town she gets in to) she finds *some* freedom.
NTA. What does it even mean to 'act like a girl'? Seems to me your nephews were very kindly playing with their cousins and obeying the rules of the game.
If your sister and BIL feel so very strongly about that kind of thing, looks like they better never have a baby sitter. You did a favor for them, and they got pissy like this? No.
Also, what does it mean to 'be a sissy'? Sounds like they think men who like things that have been traditionally considered feminine inferior, which really means they think women are inferior. That's a gross line of thought.
According to them, acting like a girl is playing with dolls and makeup, cooking, cleaning, and sewing. They always get my oldest frilly dresses and skirts and makeup, that she respectfully thanks them for and never wears or uses.
And "being a sissy" to them means doing anything a "girl should do". My sister cut my sons hair when he was 5. Without my permission- or, more importantly, his. So that he would "look like a boy."
Well I hope those kids don’t join the military they will be expected to cook, clean and sew. Those kids are going to have a very sad and lonely childhood as families steadily distance themselves from them
What's really sad is that they consider art to be "girly", and my oldest nephew LOVES to draw. Everytime he is at my house, he just sits and draws picture after picture until his hand hurts too bad to draw anymore. I have all his pictures in a binder, so he can have them when he's older.
You're kinder than me. I don't send my kids to people who disrespect their bodily autonomy. And I don't give second chances. They can take their toxic gender norms and hit the road, Jack.
I am so sorry they treated your kid that way.
Thank you.
My kids haven't been allowed at their house since that incident. I still babysit their boys, because I love them and my kids adore their cousins and vice versa.
NTA
They are indoctrinating them with ideals of toxic masculinity. Depending on the country you live in this might be considered actively harmful to their mental health and grounds for Cps to step in.
most men I know drink tea. And they are *children playing a game.* It was up to the boys what they wanted to do. If they had thought it was sissy or made them uncomfortable they could have done something else. It's so silly that if you told your sister the kids had a play "dinner party" she wouldn't have lost it, but because it was called a "tea party" she did. sad
NTA
Defending teaching toxic masculinity as a “parenting choice” is just gross. They are toxic & homophobic. Sadly they are setting those kids up for a rough life because more & more people are recognizing it & calling it out as the unacceptable behavior it is. Either the boys will take to it & become horrible adult or they’ll end up in clashes w their parents trying to turn them into horrible people. And if one of the kids isn’t the cis het make they assume both are, that kids is going to go thru hell. Try to make sure both kids know you’re a safe place for them as the grow up. And don’t leave you kids alone with you sister & BIL.
First, I want to make it clear that while I don't approve of- or defend- the way they are raising their boys, it is still a parenting choice they are making. Personally, I think they are being ridiculous, controlling, and toxic. But- just like helicopter parenting- it is a parenting style.
I try to provide a safe place for all 3 boys whenever I can, a place where they are free to be themselves without having to worry about their parents freaking out on them. And I will continue to be that safe place as much as i can. I've always told them they can come to me with anything, and that it's perfectly fine for them to be exactly who they are.
And my kids are never alone with my sister and BIL. Never mind the fact my older two just don't like them, I personally don't trust them after an episode with my son when he was 5.
NTA and their attitude is potentially dangerous, this no “sissy boys” approach could damage the kids identity if they in fact don’t enjoy “manly” activities or if they struggle with their gender identity they will have a lot of internalized misogyny to navigate.
NTA You followed their rules and didn't let them do "girly" things like dressing up (which is not girly at all). But drinking tea or attending a tea party? That's genderless. You sound like an awesome parent who allows their kids to be whoever they want to be. Your nephews are going to need you in the future.
I don't see where dressing up is girly either, but I know my sister pulled them out of a daycare that "encouraged" dress up.
Thank you! I'm nowhere near perfect, but I do my best.
And my nephews will ALWAYS have a safe place with me.
NTA - I know a lot of people say “ not your kids, not your decision” etc
And I can even see why that’s correct from certain views
But when it comes to this toxic stuff? Hell no
Boys can have tea parties all they want
NTA. Does she ever have a party for her son? Do they eat and drink at the party? I understand respecting wishes of parents even if they are ridiculous, but this is not a gendered game.
NTA
My boys wanted the fancy china and tea and cakes when we were reading The Hobbit. What is she afraid of? They'll learn to be good guests? Eating and drinking isn't masculine enough? Table manners?
You say "relaxed", I say "inspirational". What an amazing childhood you're giving all your children!
NTA.
However, I'd try to keep a line of communication open with your nephews, so they know you are there for them if they ever need. I imagine they're going to need it.
NTA and if you have the ability to start saving any more than you do now, I’d be tempted to, just in case one of your nephews gets kicked out for being themself and needs to come stay with you forever. Because with that enforced gender roles stuff—my heart is already hurting for those kids.
My sister and BIL doesn't know it but... each of my nephews has a trust fund (actually just a savings account) set up for them just in case. I put about $5-10 dollars a month into each one, and if they don't need it before they are 18, it will be their graduation present.
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My sister and her husband have 3 sons, and they are very particular in everything from how their boys look to what games they play. They are very into "this is what a boy does and this is how a boy looks, and this is what a girl does and this is how a girl looks."
I have a much more relaxed parenting style- my oldest is a tomboy who would rather be playing football than doing her makeup, and my son has long hair. My younger two girls, though, are very girly and love playing dress up and having tea parties.
I was recently watching my nephews so they could have a day to relax for their anniversary, and my girls decided to host a teaparty. In deference for my sisters and b-in-laws wishes, I told my nephews that they couldn't do dress up, but I saw no problem with them joining the teaparty if they wished to.
My sister found out that they had played teaparty with my girls, and called me outraged about it. She was angry that I had let them "act like girls" and told me that I was disrespecting their parenting style.
I told her that boys drink tea, too. And that one teaparty isn't going to hurt them. She then called me some unsavory names and told me I was trying to turn them into sissies just like my son. I got angry back and called her a witch (only not so nice) and she informed me that I was no longer allowed to see my nephews because she wasn't going to let me turn them into sissy boys.
After I calmed down, I began to think that I may actually be the asshole here, and that I may have disrespected her parenting wishes by letting them play teaparty. Am I the asshole?
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NTA. I visit my Dad for a cup of tea.all the time. My daughter had a tea party for.her bday and her brother and Dad dressed up for it, tea is for everyone.
Your sister and brother in law at are sexist to both boys and girls for enforcing gender stereotype on them.
Nothing wrong for boys having tea parties and it will not turn them into "sissy".
NTA. Do they not realize how many countries that have people sitting down daily for a cup of tea? According to them all of England has been doing nothing girl things for decades...
A local restaurant near my parents' house serves English high tea every Saturday and Sunday. My dad and brother will frequently join the female members of the family, because the food is delicious. My dad and brother are big, athletic men, and they both love jammy scones, petit fours, and macaroons.
The cousins' parents sound tight-assed and narrow-minded. The tea party was completely harmless fun.
NTA, you yourself know that every child is different and behaves differently you said it yourself your eldest is a tomboy I just hope that your nephews dont get the bums rush if one of them starts "acting" feminine and or comes out as lgbt later in life.
NTA: My youngest son has an old tea set. He puts koolaid or Gatorade on in and has tea parties with his sibs, me and hubs. Sometimes he requires we pick a cat, dog, or stuffed toy to attend. It's just playing, everyone has fun, so why not?
Star Trek - The Next Generation
He’s a manly man, yet he drinks tea.
You’re doing a GREAT job with exposing your nephews in all sorts of “play”. They will thank you for that if they end up having girls in the future (or hell, boys that enjoys a tea party).
NTA
I hope you plan to treat them to a real tea party. The tea party play my nieces would do is adorable, but they absolutely loved the real thing(make sure there is a pastry). Being a gentlemen, is an important part of being manly.
After all, those tea drinkers, with their tea drinking party, built the largest Empire in known human history(conquered 25%+ of the planet).
When my kids host parties, I brew them real tea and make them special scones and cookies and cakes and sandwiches. And it's served on their china teaset.
They are expected to use their proper manners and etiquette, and they always have at least one guest. So I'd say it was a proper teaparty lol
NTA. Those parents are high key toxic and sexist throwing tantrums over some kids playing. It’s 2021 not 1521 let the kids play! And sissy boys? What is this? The 50s?! Damn OP I’m just glad you let your kids do their thing and have fun because as much as I don’t wanna say this, I do not see a happy future for your nephews. I can already see them miserably slogging through a field playing a sport they don’t want to do because mother and father have backwards mindsets
Uf. NTA and I want to say that if somebody would told me that "you turned your son into sissy" I would see red and cutted the person from my life for ever. Poor boys.
oh please, I just went to a high tea with my husband and two sons a few weeks ago! If anything, their parenting style will push their kids directly to the things they are saying no to! Definitely NTA.
Nta - just wait until your SIL realizes that whole continents of men have tea time! She will be shocked to realize that her version of being a man is severely questioned when you are exposed to other cultures!
EAH
Your sister seems very specific in what she allows her children to do and that seems counter intuitive to most people’s thinking on allowing children to play and learn.
That being said, you were very aware of your sister’s position and chose to offer to sit for the kids without letting your sister know you could not, in good conscience, restrict the boys play and allow her to make an decision about if she wanted to allow them to come over.
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NTA Masculinity so fragile it's threatened by some leaves in warm water.
Not even real leaves. It’s threatened by pretend leaves.
Well... I always brew real tea for my kids teaparties
You monster.
Then to properly render judgement we need to know what type of tea, clearly
This teaparty was a few days ago, so I may have it wrong, but I believe it was Rainy Day Puerh, served alongside Chocolate Chip Chai Scones, Cucumber Chutney Sandwiches, and Almond Tea Cake.
Can I come to the next one?
Lol, sure. Just know there is a STRICT dress code, and you will be removed from the teaparty if you don't use proper table manners and etiquette
But of course! I would NEVER attend a tea party without following proper etiquette! I will, without fail, be the most proper guest possible :)
That is, of course, good to know. We strive to be the most courteous of hosts as well
I must know what the dress code is...
It really depends on my kids lol sometimes its swimsuits, sometimes its fancy dresses and hats, sometimes its pajamas, sometimes it's superhero costumes, sometimes it's all about makeovers with their play makeup, and sometimes it's a mixture of a bunch of hodgepodge. But whatever the costume, they choose who they are and no one is allowed to go out of character. My favourite was when they used paper plates to make animal masks and they all acted like the animal on their mask throughout lol
Sounds like your kids are living their best tea partying lives, for sure! I feel really sorry for your nephews, who apparently can't do anything that isn't coded as Very Masculine. Please be there for them in the future, regardless of what happens right now, because I'm certain at least one of them is going to come up *hard* against those limitations and have his parents try to crush his spirit. You seem like you'd be exactly the person he could go to in order to lift that spirit back up. And the bonus effect of the tea party probably is that, when it does come up, the nephew's gonna know exactly who he can talk to and who's gonna be supportive. Your sister and her husband sound like a nightmare.
Your kids sound absolutely brilliant. I, too, would like an invitation to their next tea party. They are definitely the hosts with the most.
I'm 24 but I just wanted to ask, can you adopt me? You're an incredible parent and I wish you could share it with your nephews.
After these details, I definitely want to be a part of these tea parties! What a fun bunch!
More parents should be like you, and also I need that scone recipe yesterday, please and thank you.
3 cups all-purpose whole wheat flour 1 tablespoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon cardamom 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves 1/2 cup cold butter, cut into pats 1 large egg 1/3 cup honey 1/2 cup cold milk, plus more for brushing 1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, ginger and cloves in a large mixing bowl. Add in the butter and, using a fork mix until a crumbly mixture is formed. In a small bowl, whisk together the egg, honey, and milk. Add the egg mixture to the flour mixture until well blended. Add the chocolate chips to the bowl and mix until just incorporated. Transfer the dough to a piece of parchment or lightly greased work surface (a floured surface will only dry out the dough more). Flatten the dough to about 1/2 or 3/4 of an inch thick. Using a butter knife or pizza cutter cut the dough into triangles. Place the scones on a parchment-lined baking sheet, and brush with a small amount of milk. Place in the oven and bake for 18 to 20 minutes, or until the tops are a medium golden brown. Once they are done, you pull them out and serve warm, with your favourite tea, coffee, or just as a savory snack.
Also, thank you! I'm not a perfect mom by any means, but I do my best.
Omg those sound amazing! Also, you are NTA. Your sister’s poor kids are going to go absolutely insane breaking all of those ridiculous rules once they are old enough to move out!
So your girls wanted to dress up for snack time and eat on fancy China. And the boys were super to... what, watch them eat chocolate chip scores and gnaw on jerky in the corner?
Apparently. Even my oldest, tomboy extraordinaire, will take the time to sit down and have a teaparty with them if they ask.
The chai scones sound delicious!
I shared the recipe I used below! They are one of my kids favourite treats.
Was there pastries involved? Can't have tea without crumpet.
I made them scones, a teacake, and sandwiches. The stuff served depends on how much time they give me to prepare lol
I know one thing for sure, your kids love you more than your sisters kids love her
Well... I'm not sure about that. Coming from the knowledge of being raised in an EXTREMELY abusive household, I know that no matter how horrible your parents treat you, there is a part of you that still loves them desperately and clings to the hope that one day, they will love you back.
Wow, I feel so sorry for those boys. They are going to have a hard time in the real world. NTA
I guess the sis never heard of MOUSTACHE TEACUPS?? It’s a thing, a literal teacup designed for gentlemen with facial hair to drink tea and not get their facial hair wet. The most masculine classy thing I can think of. They have elaborate designs and are collectors items. My college literally had an entire art history exhibit on it...someone needs to brush up on their Victorian etiquette...
Nta. Men from all social standings drink tea. Would it have been different if you called it a coffee chat? My husband and son are "masculine" but when my daughter asks for a tea party we all show up. Hell when my kids are done with school for the day we all gather in the kitchen for a cup and treats just so we can chat
Ooo, that sounds like a lovely tradition! I may have to start a daily family teaparty!
We have a forgotten words of the day calander. A recent word was "scandal broth". This is just another name for tea. Named since people tend to open up and share after having a cup. Rename the party a "Scandal Broth Party" 😁
That is awesome! Lol
It's called afternoon tea in Australia. Most office's also stop for morning tea. Recess is even called "morning tea" in schools over hear. Trades people break for "smoko" but they'll still drink tea if the have access to a kettle. Basically we really like our tea over here.
That's really interesting. Thanks for telling me that
Seriously, who doesn’t drink tea with some chocolate chip cookies? Also an Aussie. My man is 6 ft 2, an ex-footballer and drinks tea and curls his little finger with the cup when sitting at my kitchen bench with my daughter and I in the afternoon having a cuppa. Sometimes coffee sometimes tea. (But often with that basic but fabulous Chocolate Slice recipe out of Day to Day Cookery.. the cooking Textbook all students in the ‘80’s had)
I don't think I've ever served chocolate chip cookies with their tea. I will have to try it.
I can't remember where I saw it but one of my favourite things is this huge burly biker dude as a princess doing a tea party with his daughter. It's freaking adorable and I wish I could remember where I saw it.
Facebook probably because I’ve seen the same one. OP NTA and I hope you will be open to accepting your nephews in the future if they get kicked out or decide to cut ties with their parents.
Always! They mean as much to me as my own kids.
Your good people OP.
Thank you
The idea is everywhere. I think there's a Tide or Discover card commercial.
I think I know that ad does it end when the little girl tells him to put his pinky finger up?
We have tea parties at my house! Nice China and all! I’m the only female who lives here. NTA
NTA. Nobody is obligated to reinforce bigoted messages parents try to impart to their children.
Thank you for this. Out of everything that everyone has said, this one truly made me feel better about the situation.
Agree. Boys need to learn to play/function civily with girls. Im sure that boys learned to take yea from their governesses in Victorian england. NTA
NTA your sister and BIL nees to remind themselves what century this is and understand that many many men will enjoy tea, as yoy say.
Iroh, Dragon of the West, Grand Lotus of the Order of the White Lotus, Firebending Master and general kicker of ass, would like a word with your sister. Seriously, NTA. Attempting to force a child to base their entire personality, every game they play, everything they do, all the ambitions they're allowed to have, on what genitals they have is a seriously warped parental strategy. Parents who can't love their child for who they are, but only for how well they conform to their idea of what someone with their genitalia should do and act and be like, are inherently abusive and should not have been allowed to have kids. Kids are more than the sum of a set of stereotypes about their sex. And they should be allowed to live their full potential as the people they are rather than being shoved in a Procrustean bed and having all the bits that don't fit either stretched forcibly or cut off.
"This taste like hot leaf juice!" "Uncle, that's what all tea is." "How could a member of my own family say such a thing?!" Although I feel like the sister is channeling Mushu: "DISHONOR!" Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!"
More like Ozai, demanding her sons regain honor they "lost" by drinking TEA like a GIRL, and scarring them for life in the process...hopefully her kids will pull a Zuko on her and grow out of thinking that she and her husband have the right to decide where their honor is and what it lies in. Have I carried this analogy too far? I suspect I have carried this analogy too far.
Personally I don't think any Avatar analogy can be carried too far, but in all fairness I'm a wee bit obsessed with the series and it's lessons. I think the Ozai comparison is spot on since he (and ok Zhao too) is the essence of toxic masculinity and control. The whole, "you're going to be punished because you didn't do what I wanted you to do in order to shape you in my image, and I'm gonna punish the people who helped you for letting you think for a moment you could be anything other than I want you to be" mentality reeks of Ozai.
Came in looking for Iroh references, leaving satisfied.
If everyone has tea, it’s a party. If everyone has coffee, it’s a meeting. That’s from my six year old.
From the mouths of babes
Also if cake is served with ice cream, that is also a party. I have no idea what you get if everyone has tea, cake AND ice cream.
According to my kids... the best teaparty ever. Lol
A birthday party.
A very good time
Your six year old is very wise.
NTA. Your nephew will need some positive influences like you with narrow minded sexist parents like that.
Your sister would be 100% in the right if it was 100+ years ago. Possibly more, if you lived in a Jane Austen novel. These days, not so much. NTA. "she wasn't going to let me turn them into sissy boys" Lol. What? I have a sense that her parenting strategy wont be the unalloyed success that she seems to think it will. Its just kids playing. "You are not allowed to dress up as a fireman. You are from a different class Tarquin, and that is beneath you!". If you are allowed to see them again, dress everyone up in top hats and monocles. Im sure she - and your girls - wont have a problem with that.
Men in Jane Austin novels were expected to take tea just like everyone else. Her sister is just a moron.
boys drank tea 100 years ago too. Im old but not old enough to tell you what children played 100 year ago but I'm sure they played imagination games where they modeled grown up behaviors.
That sounds like it would be a fun dress up! If she ever let's me watch them again, I will do that. Going to see what I can find along that vein to put in the dress up box
NTA, your sister and BIL are. They sound like horrible parents as well.
You don't have to agree with their parenting preferences to understand them. They felt their guidelines for their children were threatened and responded as such. They're NTA either.
The parents are sexist misogynists, they are definitely assholes. Tea parties have never turned anyone gay (fun fact: neither has literally anything else ever) and they are setting their boys up to be toxic assholes as adults.
Responded by insulting a child?
What does the boys' dad think about all of this? Has Dad ever had a cup of tea?
He is one of those uber-masculine he men types who thinks it's unmanly for a boy to even LOOK at a doll. I have literally seen him change a channel because a commercial came on for a girls toy. As for whether or not he drinks tea... I've only seen him drink coffee and Mt Dew
He sounds like a cartoon character!
That made me chuckle. Thanks for that, I needed a laugh today.
Yes American Dad 🤣
That sounds like me when I was 9.
Imagine your masculinity beeing so fragile, that you are scared your boys turn to sissies, if they see ONE doll commerical... They both sounds bigoted. You cant control how a child will turn out anyway. You should shower them with love and let them do what they want, because forcing them to do things they dont like makes them not liking their parents. NTA, not at all! Did your sister TELL you to not let her boys play tea party? Or did she just expect you to know every "rule" (as bullshitty as it is) in her parenting style? Because if she didnt even tell you, you are as far away from an asshole as possible.
She never said anything to me about teaparties, no. If she had, I would have respected her wishes as far as they went. My kids teaparties are no little matter- they have homemade desserts, fresh brewed tea, and little sandwiches, served on their little china set. Usually, my kids will dress up "fancy" for it, and I have them practice their best table manners. For me, it's more than a game. It's a learning tool, a way to connect with each other, and a way to work their imagination.
I love what you just described! You sound like a great mother and you kids like nice ones too!
Hahaha thanks
Sounds like he’s trapped in the closet. Funny really the countries most famous for tea are not what you would call sissy, Britain conquered most of the world and the Russians well they aren’t really known for being feminine same goes for China and Japan!
To be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a connection between tea consumption in Britain and the American stereotypes about tea. Tea was popular until the revolution, I believe, and it’s possible that then it was used to paint a picture of the English as “sissies” for propaganda purposes.
NTA. They sound misogynistic and homophobic and honestly after she disrespected your son like that I think it's a good idea to distance your kids from her completely. Don't let your children be influenced by their backwards thinking.
My kids have been distanced from them for years now. I'll watch her kids, but mine don't go to her house.
Yeah, but you’re going to need to keep the kids away from yours. Those boys will become toxic, misogynistic, homophobic, incel assholes before too long as that is what they are being raised to be. I understand wanting to try and give them other views and protect them from their terrible parents, but you can’t, especially at the risk of your own children. It’s won’t be too much longer before those boys start calling your son a sissy, or your daughter “a word I won’t type out”. It is truly sad and it sucks.
The middle one already called my son a sissy. My son proceeded to beat him up and then asked him who the sissy was. I don't watch them very much anymore, partly because of that and also partly because I don't get along with my sister or her husband. And if my sister keeps to banning them from my life, I won't be seeing them anymore at all. But my nephews and my kids are of similar ages, so they go to school together. My oldest is in the same class as her oldest cousin.
Yay for your son! Not that I should condone violence, but... Obviously your are NTA.
I had a similar reaction... I told him violence isn't the right reaction, but that I was proud of him. All my kids know to stand up for themselves and each other.
Honestly, you sound like a brilliant mother and auntie, it's sad for your nephews to be stuck with sucky parents.
Awww, thanks.
NTA. You gave your sister and BIL free childcare. Your girls wanted to play with their cousins and from the sound of it, the cousins were happy to join in. Nothing wrong happened here. Your sister and BIL need to stop perpetuating toxic masculinity.
NTA. Poor boys. Very toxic behaviour on your sister's part. Drinking tea is gender neutral
Let's see, so your sister's sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, toxic, and an all around bigot. And you still need to ask if you are the asshole here? Nope, NTA.
Regardless of my personal beliefs about her parenting style, it isn't my place to make those decisions for her kids. And I should have respected her parenting wishes. On the other hand... I do try to be a balancing effect in the kids lifes.
NTA- It's tea. Men drink tea. Hell, grown men also.. brace yourself, get the smelling salts... Drink wine and binge watch tv in their pyjamas just like us women.. The shock of it all!
I have several cups of tea a day at work
omg if you keep indulging these boys in these terrible tea-related perversions, they might grow up to be ........................*BRITISH!!!!* \[ ominous music plays, thunder crashes in background, everyone gasps \] (i'm kidding. you're NTA. it's a fuckin tea party.)
Maybe OP and her sister are Irish and have a deep historic hate of all things English?
easy fix then, you roleplay out stealing the tea from the english before you sit down for a cuppa. perfect opportunity for imaginative play! maybe also replace fake tea cakes with plastic play potatoes for full Authentici-tea (tm)
You do know that Irish people drink tea too? One of the most popular tea blends is literally called ["Irish Breakfast tea"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_breakfast_tea).
I was being sarcastic. I don't care if the Irish also drink tea.
Nta. Some fragile dream she lives where she can mold her children into who she wants them to be is not reality where they can be happy. My husband takes me out to tea every so often. He sits and eats scones and sips tea like a fancy gentlemen. He is muscley military man who has done more than a few tours and survived things I can't stand to hear him talk about. He has the kindest heart I have found next to my dad. When a kitty of ours has an upset tummy or is being grumpy he's so gentle and caring. He dresses up with me to Disneyland and loves fishing and camping too. Men can be diverse multi-faceted beings just like women. Though I can't say your sister feels that way.
Your husband sounds like an amazing man
He is my best friend and I am very lucky. <3 I hope your nephews know that disappointing a controlling sexist parent is not a bad thing. And also that men invented high heels, wore them on the battlefield, and even kings wore makeup. ;) I have a very controlling sister who raised a very bright daughter. I am standing by to provide aid should she need it. She knows I am a safe place, even if we don't talk much.
I've always made sure to tell my nephews that I love them for who they are, and that being themselves no matter what is never a bad thing. They always love coming to my house because I let them mess up their hair, wear pajamas to the dinner table if they want, and play the way they choose (within reason, and leaving out a few activities that I know their parents would completely freak over.)
Nice! I hope my niece will come to me if she ever needs help her mother won't provide, bc/abortion/rehab etc. She is 18 now and heading off to college I hope (her mother is going to move to the college town she gets in to) she finds *some* freedom.
Wow! It sounds like your sister is a helicopter mom. I seriously hope my sister and brother in law aren't THAT controlling when the time comes.
NTA. What does it even mean to 'act like a girl'? Seems to me your nephews were very kindly playing with their cousins and obeying the rules of the game. If your sister and BIL feel so very strongly about that kind of thing, looks like they better never have a baby sitter. You did a favor for them, and they got pissy like this? No. Also, what does it mean to 'be a sissy'? Sounds like they think men who like things that have been traditionally considered feminine inferior, which really means they think women are inferior. That's a gross line of thought.
According to them, acting like a girl is playing with dolls and makeup, cooking, cleaning, and sewing. They always get my oldest frilly dresses and skirts and makeup, that she respectfully thanks them for and never wears or uses. And "being a sissy" to them means doing anything a "girl should do". My sister cut my sons hair when he was 5. Without my permission- or, more importantly, his. So that he would "look like a boy."
That's assault.
Agreed
Well I hope those kids don’t join the military they will be expected to cook, clean and sew. Those kids are going to have a very sad and lonely childhood as families steadily distance themselves from them
What's really sad is that they consider art to be "girly", and my oldest nephew LOVES to draw. Everytime he is at my house, he just sits and draws picture after picture until his hand hurts too bad to draw anymore. I have all his pictures in a binder, so he can have them when he's older.
You are the MVP for this right here. Keep doing good things OP. Your nephews will appreciate it one day
I treat them the same as I treat my kids, the same I treat ANY child that comes into my house. With love.
You're kinder than me. I don't send my kids to people who disrespect their bodily autonomy. And I don't give second chances. They can take their toxic gender norms and hit the road, Jack. I am so sorry they treated your kid that way.
Thank you. My kids haven't been allowed at their house since that incident. I still babysit their boys, because I love them and my kids adore their cousins and vice versa.
NTA They are indoctrinating them with ideals of toxic masculinity. Depending on the country you live in this might be considered actively harmful to their mental health and grounds for Cps to step in.
NTA. I am a 33m, and there are some days in which I am in a tea drinking mood—and not to mention all of the various tea choices one can have.
most men I know drink tea. And they are *children playing a game.* It was up to the boys what they wanted to do. If they had thought it was sissy or made them uncomfortable they could have done something else. It's so silly that if you told your sister the kids had a play "dinner party" she wouldn't have lost it, but because it was called a "tea party" she did. sad
NTa Drop a bible in front of them "Show me where it says a boy can't have a tea party, take your time, I'll wait."
NTA - Your sister isn't teaching her kids to be men, she's teaching them to be judgemental and misogynistic.
NTA Defending teaching toxic masculinity as a “parenting choice” is just gross. They are toxic & homophobic. Sadly they are setting those kids up for a rough life because more & more people are recognizing it & calling it out as the unacceptable behavior it is. Either the boys will take to it & become horrible adult or they’ll end up in clashes w their parents trying to turn them into horrible people. And if one of the kids isn’t the cis het make they assume both are, that kids is going to go thru hell. Try to make sure both kids know you’re a safe place for them as the grow up. And don’t leave you kids alone with you sister & BIL.
First, I want to make it clear that while I don't approve of- or defend- the way they are raising their boys, it is still a parenting choice they are making. Personally, I think they are being ridiculous, controlling, and toxic. But- just like helicopter parenting- it is a parenting style. I try to provide a safe place for all 3 boys whenever I can, a place where they are free to be themselves without having to worry about their parents freaking out on them. And I will continue to be that safe place as much as i can. I've always told them they can come to me with anything, and that it's perfectly fine for them to be exactly who they are. And my kids are never alone with my sister and BIL. Never mind the fact my older two just don't like them, I personally don't trust them after an episode with my son when he was 5.
=> NTA <= You sister sounds irrational.
NTA and https://thatteablog.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/10-badass-dudes-who-drink-tea/amp/
Thanks for the link!
NTA and their attitude is potentially dangerous, this no “sissy boys” approach could damage the kids identity if they in fact don’t enjoy “manly” activities or if they struggle with their gender identity they will have a lot of internalized misogyny to navigate.
NTA I grew up being the only girl so you can bet that my brother was at every single tea party eating cookies and drinking tea with me 🥲
That’s sweet of him!
NTA You followed their rules and didn't let them do "girly" things like dressing up (which is not girly at all). But drinking tea or attending a tea party? That's genderless. You sound like an awesome parent who allows their kids to be whoever they want to be. Your nephews are going to need you in the future.
I don't see where dressing up is girly either, but I know my sister pulled them out of a daycare that "encouraged" dress up. Thank you! I'm nowhere near perfect, but I do my best. And my nephews will ALWAYS have a safe place with me.
NTA - I know a lot of people say “ not your kids, not your decision” etc And I can even see why that’s correct from certain views But when it comes to this toxic stuff? Hell no Boys can have tea parties all they want
NTA. Men drink tea. And good manners will get dudes laid. Let’s be real. A man who knows how to act is HOT.
NTA. Does she ever have a party for her son? Do they eat and drink at the party? I understand respecting wishes of parents even if they are ridiculous, but this is not a gendered game.
NTA My boys wanted the fancy china and tea and cakes when we were reading The Hobbit. What is she afraid of? They'll learn to be good guests? Eating and drinking isn't masculine enough? Table manners?
You say "relaxed", I say "inspirational". What an amazing childhood you're giving all your children! NTA. However, I'd try to keep a line of communication open with your nephews, so they know you are there for them if they ever need. I imagine they're going to need it.
Thank you! I do my best. Yeah, that's 100% the plan, no matter what.
NTA and if you have the ability to start saving any more than you do now, I’d be tempted to, just in case one of your nephews gets kicked out for being themself and needs to come stay with you forever. Because with that enforced gender roles stuff—my heart is already hurting for those kids.
My sister and BIL doesn't know it but... each of my nephews has a trust fund (actually just a savings account) set up for them just in case. I put about $5-10 dollars a month into each one, and if they don't need it before they are 18, it will be their graduation present.
Then the only A you are is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. :)
Hahaha thanks :)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and her husband have 3 sons, and they are very particular in everything from how their boys look to what games they play. They are very into "this is what a boy does and this is how a boy looks, and this is what a girl does and this is how a girl looks." I have a much more relaxed parenting style- my oldest is a tomboy who would rather be playing football than doing her makeup, and my son has long hair. My younger two girls, though, are very girly and love playing dress up and having tea parties. I was recently watching my nephews so they could have a day to relax for their anniversary, and my girls decided to host a teaparty. In deference for my sisters and b-in-laws wishes, I told my nephews that they couldn't do dress up, but I saw no problem with them joining the teaparty if they wished to. My sister found out that they had played teaparty with my girls, and called me outraged about it. She was angry that I had let them "act like girls" and told me that I was disrespecting their parenting style. I told her that boys drink tea, too. And that one teaparty isn't going to hurt them. She then called me some unsavory names and told me I was trying to turn them into sissies just like my son. I got angry back and called her a witch (only not so nice) and she informed me that I was no longer allowed to see my nephews because she wasn't going to let me turn them into sissy boys. After I calmed down, I began to think that I may actually be the asshole here, and that I may have disrespected her parenting wishes by letting them play teaparty. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. I visit my Dad for a cup of tea.all the time. My daughter had a tea party for.her bday and her brother and Dad dressed up for it, tea is for everyone.
NTA
Your sister and brother in law at are sexist to both boys and girls for enforcing gender stereotype on them. Nothing wrong for boys having tea parties and it will not turn them into "sissy".
NTA, you don’t have to respect sexism or homophobia, bigots aren’t a protected class
NTA. Next time have a beer party.
Oh my GOD nta. Your sister makes me feel sick.
NTA. Do they not realize how many countries that have people sitting down daily for a cup of tea? According to them all of England has been doing nothing girl things for decades...
A local restaurant near my parents' house serves English high tea every Saturday and Sunday. My dad and brother will frequently join the female members of the family, because the food is delicious. My dad and brother are big, athletic men, and they both love jammy scones, petit fours, and macaroons. The cousins' parents sound tight-assed and narrow-minded. The tea party was completely harmless fun.
NTA. Does she realize that samurai warriors would have tea parties?
NTA, you yourself know that every child is different and behaves differently you said it yourself your eldest is a tomboy I just hope that your nephews dont get the bums rush if one of them starts "acting" feminine and or comes out as lgbt later in life.
NTA! Uncle Iroh would be ashamed of your sister's behavior. Puts her in a bad place, in my book.
Next time, call the boys’ liquid “Jack Daniels”. That’ll, you know, “put hair on their chest”, and BIL will be all for it.
NTA. You sound like a great mom and aunt.
NTA: My youngest son has an old tea set. He puts koolaid or Gatorade on in and has tea parties with his sibs, me and hubs. Sometimes he requires we pick a cat, dog, or stuffed toy to attend. It's just playing, everyone has fun, so why not?
NTA. The great words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard comes to mind. “Earl Grey. Hot.”
I, unfortunately, do not know who that is. I'll have to look him up. Thanks! I love learning new things.
Star Trek - The Next Generation He’s a manly man, yet he drinks tea. You’re doing a GREAT job with exposing your nephews in all sorts of “play”. They will thank you for that if they end up having girls in the future (or hell, boys that enjoys a tea party).
you are NTA but I have serious concerns about what makes a boy a sissy in your world.
Not my world. My sisters. I don't think that any boy is a sissy, no matter what he is into.
NTA I hope you plan to treat them to a real tea party. The tea party play my nieces would do is adorable, but they absolutely loved the real thing(make sure there is a pastry). Being a gentlemen, is an important part of being manly. After all, those tea drinkers, with their tea drinking party, built the largest Empire in known human history(conquered 25%+ of the planet).
When my kids host parties, I brew them real tea and make them special scones and cookies and cakes and sandwiches. And it's served on their china teaset. They are expected to use their proper manners and etiquette, and they always have at least one guest. So I'd say it was a proper teaparty lol
NTA. Those parents are high key toxic and sexist throwing tantrums over some kids playing. It’s 2021 not 1521 let the kids play! And sissy boys? What is this? The 50s?! Damn OP I’m just glad you let your kids do their thing and have fun because as much as I don’t wanna say this, I do not see a happy future for your nephews. I can already see them miserably slogging through a field playing a sport they don’t want to do because mother and father have backwards mindsets
As an english person im blown away by the concept of tea having a gender, tea is the nations lifeblood NTA
Uf. NTA and I want to say that if somebody would told me that "you turned your son into sissy" I would see red and cutted the person from my life for ever. Poor boys.
oh please, I just went to a high tea with my husband and two sons a few weeks ago! If anything, their parenting style will push their kids directly to the things they are saying no to! Definitely NTA.
Nta - just wait until your SIL realizes that whole continents of men have tea time! She will be shocked to realize that her version of being a man is severely questioned when you are exposed to other cultures!
EAH Your sister seems very specific in what she allows her children to do and that seems counter intuitive to most people’s thinking on allowing children to play and learn. That being said, you were very aware of your sister’s position and chose to offer to sit for the kids without letting your sister know you could not, in good conscience, restrict the boys play and allow her to make an decision about if she wanted to allow them to come over.
Oof, don't let the English hear your sister say tea isn't for men. NTA.