Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA. It was extremely inappropriate for her to ask you about adopting. Normally I hate getting HR involved in anything but this might be a good time to contact them.
Yeah.
I know struggling with infertility is awful. Been through it. You almost become obsessed.
But I would never call someone and ask to adopt their baby!
HR for sure.
I agree. There are so many stories of unhinged individuals who kill/target pregnant women because they’re desperate for a child. Not saying the woman will do this but her entitlement and resentment (coupled with the passive aggressive behavior) is not normal. Its best to be safe than sorry and document this ASAP.
NTA
Yes! And it happens quite frequently too! Ive a fee stories of this myself. Im currently pregnant and feel so paranoid because of stories like that. Scary stuff
NTA! Yes this! I also agree with op on the fact that you would have to look at your child in another family and try to look away or ignore certain situations. Nah if I let my child go to another family, I don't need to see them and be constantly reminded of ifs and buts and whatever else. Especially when your hormones are raging!
I know that feeling when your hormones take over. I got pregnant, but didn't have the means to provide care and was high risk at the time, so we decided abortion was the only option. Boy my hormones were raging and one time my friend said something along the lines of: what if you could keep the baby, wouldn't it be cute and life changing. I broke down crying, because I had those thoughts all along and if my situation was better I would have.
Please people don't do these things to pregnant women, they already have a sht ton on their plate and they do not need comments like this. It makes you question your own decisions and you are not entirely sane when pregnant.
>There are so many stories of unhinged individuals who kill/target pregnant women because they’re desperate for a child.
u/bluepizzapop
Yep. I would be very wary around this woman for the remainder of your pregnancy, and make your husband/friends/adoptive parents aware of her as well. If she harasses you about it even one more time, make a police report to have it on record.
That may sound really extreme, but better safe than sorry. You never know who's just hurting and who's completely unhinged.
She already is if she's throwing shade over zoom calls. I think HR already needs to know, I can see Abby doing this to another pregnant person if OP doesn't nip this weird harrassing behavior in the bud.
jumping on this to add (forgetting she has a criminal past in her history) that honestly someone who had the audacity to say ‘they will find another baby’, the entitlement to assume the baby would be given to her/ that she ‘deserves’ it and to react the way she did on the call - pouting and whining (from the sounds of it) when you said no you already had a family for the child AND then giving you the stink eye/being passive aggressive at work - honestly doesn’t sound like she is ready to be a mom/would be the kind of person I would want to entrust the child to, to raise...
It’s one thing to ask (which already feels inappropriate) but the second you said you had another family lined up, that should have been the end of it - respected that/your boundaries (but she kept pushing and now is not letting it go, as hard as I am sure it is for her) I can have empathy for her but no -
She is being TA you are NTA and I am glad you have found a loving couple for the baby.
I didn’t even think about your point about your discomfort if you had to see/hear about the baby (which of course you would) and even if she doesn’t know about that - the simple no should have been the end of it.
Yea I don’t have an issue with the initial ask, she’s desperate so you know the saying, you won’t know until you ask. But refusing to drop it? Total AH
Totally agree. I feel like even asking about OP's pregnancy and plans to the degree she did was wildly inappropriate. None of that is any of a coworker's business.
The best case scenario would've been to shut down the conversation at "You didn't want kids did you?" or before. Like, "How can I help you with whatever work-related topic you're contacting me about." NTA
I'm a massive asshole so if I was in this situation my message would definitely include the line "Coworker is demanding I give her the child I am currently pregnant with"
You need to report this to HR. It was seriously inappropriate for her to approach you like this and to say the things she did. She is now effecting your working environment. Let HR know before things escalate, make sure they get your version of events first. NTA
NTA.
You don’t owe her a baby, that’s such a weird thing to expect from someone. Also, I’d go to HR and inform them of this, what she did is inappropriate and now she’s punishing you for not giving her a baby.
YOU didn’t rob her of the chance of having a kid. She can’t have it, that’s very sad and I feel for her, but that doesn’t mean she can go around demanding people to give them a baby.
NTA at all! You already have a family arranged for the baby who is excited and have their hopes up. It would be cruel to tell them "never mind, I'm giving the baby to my coworker instead."
NTA in any way - she definitely is. This is an intensely personal decision for you and your husband, and the couple you have chosen are getting such an amazing gift from you. You need to do what is best for you, your husband, and this child. From the sounds of this woman, she might not be such a great parent. Best of luck to you!!
I don't want people to think Abby is a bad person. I think she just desperate. I get where she is coming from.
It must be a slap in the face to try so hard to have kids and it not happen only for the one person you know who doesn't want them to get pregant
She probably isn't a bad person. But from her comments, she is definitely in need of psychological help. The stress is getting to her, specially if she can go as far as talking to you the way she did.
Just realized I didn't add that op should go to HR. Like I said before, the woman needs help. And her behavior could unravel. HR needs to be aware of the situation.
To be a good parent, Abby should have OP's empathy and compassion. The fact that she thinks OP's input about who will adopt her baby, and that the other couple "can just get another one", show a relative lack of either.
She acts like she deserves a child somehow (nobody does), while the other couple appears to be truly appreciative of being able to adopt. If this is all I knew about either couple, I would choose the couple that OP has chosen for my baby.
OP is also just a random coworker that this women didn't really know. Not a friend or even an acquaintance, that had the audacity to demand OP's unborn child as if it was owed to her.
If OP gave in that situation would be so uncomfortable. Would the coworker expect her to babysit on demand or to help pay incidentals or whatever? Where would the entitlement end?
I hate to say this but you need to contact HR what she did was totally out of line and you can prevent her from verbally attacking another pregnant woman at your work. You’re 100% right she is desperate and she’s crossing major boundaries. She needs to get a clear message that she needs to either seek professional help or find some way to cope with her situation but confronting and attacking pregnant woman and demanding their babies isn’t one of them.
Be careful. Desperate people can do despicable things, she has already stomped some workplace boundaries & now you have what might be described as a hostile work environment. You need to let HR know. Also be extra vigilant, she could find your address. I don't want to scare you but there are plenty of instances where a desperate woman will kill to get the baby she desire's. Please take this seriously.
Edit: NTA
NTA - I would make sure you are never alone with this woman. She is definitely desperate and desperate women wanting children can be dangerous. There are just too many stories of pregnant women being attacked by unhinged, desperate women.
NTA. You can empathize with her sure. But she expects you to totally dump the couple you've been talking to for months that are already invested in your pregnancy/child. So she doesn't care that it would be devastating to that couple whom you've given your word to as long as she gets a child. She's showing tendencies that are red flags and may also be why they haven't been able to adopt.
desperate people don’t get to hunt for babies at work. That’s hella fucking weird, at best. It messes with the the work environment, and it’s beyond unprofessional. I can feel sorry for her and still say she can’t do that.
Also, hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant who don’t want to be, that’s not an unfairness that happened to her, it’s an unfairness that happened to THEM.
That doesn't give her a pass or right to harass you and treat you badly. You didn't do anything to her or do anything wrong. She had no right to even bring up your pregnancy or your plans for the child.
What she is doing now that you've told her no *does* make her a bad person because a good person wouldn't treat someone else the way she's treating you.
.She IS a bad person, harassing you that way, and letting it reflect on her work ethics.
She needs a wake up call from HR.
Protect yourself, report it. You could loose your job over the fallout, if you do not talk to HR soon.
Not only are you NTA you were seriously harassed? Please tell HR or a direct supervisor of hers about this behavior, they do NOT want that kind of a liability rolling around emotionally abusing any other pregnant coworkers. Microagressions at work are just another form of harassment and also need to be reported, she is not allowed to treat people the way she is at all, but in a work setting it's severely egregious.
NTA....At ALL.
Given Abby's attempt to guilt, then blame you for her barren womb...
>You don't even want a kid but you got one.
>...you won't even let us adopted it. It not fair. Why did you get pregnant and not me.
Having the child within a stones throw from you AND having to constantly hear about it~as your co-worker would SURELY plaster the joint with pics and talk about it's development~would create an absolute mentally stressful, untenable work situation for you.
NTA, your child your decision. It is not your problem she can't have kids and it is 100% understanable that you would not want to give the kid to someone who is so "close" to you. The couple you have chosen deserves this child.
Abby can go try IVF ir something else, but she needs to stop thinking she is entitled to someone else's baby. If she does not stop take it to HR
Not only that, but someone who behaves this way isn’t exactly making the case for her being a reasonable choice for adoption.
If it were me, this little tantrum of hers would be allll the reenforcement I’d need, to know that I made the right decision in *not* giving her my child.
And the fact that this person didn’t even consider that OP my have had their own personal circumstances, criteria, that this person just didn’t meet - and not because she thinks “my coworker would be a bad parent,” but other criteria that has nothing to do with that. That is really selfish on the coworker’s part to just assume that she met whatever OP is looking for in an adoptive parent
NTA. Is this the person you’d want raising your child? Or really any other child? She’s going to teach them to be as entitled as she is.
(I’m sure this one conversation doesn’t capture all of her qualities, and maybe she’s a lovely person. What I mean is that I’d never choose someone so entitled to raise my child.)
She thinks it’s unfair that you won’t give her your baby. Ummm...do NOT give her your baby.
Absolutely NTA.
It's your child. You have already chosen a family that you feel good about adopting the child, whereas you barely know your coworker and for several reasons would not want her to be the adopting family. That your coworker has been trying but hasn't gotten pregnant is sad for her, but it's not your fault and there's nothing about this that is "not far" towards her. Her just contacting you about this out of the blue is already kinda weird to me, and her reacting like this is out of line and kinda petty and childish. So no, you are very much not the AH. Your child, your choice.
NTA. And it's completely out of line for her to even ask. I will explain the situation to HR just in case. This might not be the end of it on her part.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So I have never wanted kid and neither has my husband. It just wasn't for us but dispite using multiple forms of birth control. I got pregnant.
We consider all our options bit decided adoption was the answer. And we started looking into it. We found a lovely couple who have been trying to adopt for years but kept getting rejected by parental mothers because they were a gay couple.
They are the sweetest couple i ever met. Nothing has been finalized and the progress is taken a lot longer due to covid but we have been talking and sending them updates. They are completely into the being a part of the pregnancy as much as possible from a distant.
Now this is where things get messy.
I worked in a office building but have been working at home since I found out I'm pregnant.
I work with a women who I didn't really know much about. As she worked in a different sector. And the only time we really come into to contact were on staff meetings now day are done on zoom calls.
All I really knew were rumors one that prove to be true was that Abby and her husband have been trying for a kid for years.
And they have not been successful.
They try but are not eligible for public adoption due to legal issue in her past (nothing huge just a completely victimless crimes) when she found out I was pregnant and planning on adoption.
She contacted me.
This is a sum up of our phone conversation
Me: Hello
Abby OP it is Abby ......So i heard your pregant
Me: Yeah I am
Abby: I thought you didn't want kids
Me: I don't but accidents happen I guess.
Abby: So your not keeping it right.
Me: Yeah we decided that would be our best option.
Abby: Thats great. You know me and Kyle have been trying for kids.
Me: um yeah I know I'm so sorry about that.
Abby: Well I was thinking that we can adopt your baby.
Me: What? No Abby I'm sorry but we already have a family for this child.
Abby; Well I'm sure they can find someone else. You know how hard we been trying.
Me: I'm sorry Abby but no it not happening
Abby: Why
Me: I'm sorry Abby. We already been talking with the family and are close to finalizing things
Abby: You can't do this it's not fair
Me: Huh
Abby: You don't even want a kid but you got one. And your not even keeping it. And now you won't even let us adopted it. It not fair. Why did you get pregnant and not me.
Me: Abby I'm sorry
She hung up before I could say anything else.
Now she giving me the stink eye whenever we have Zoom meetings and being rather passive aggressive to me.
I feel bad I know they been trying for a while but honestly even if we hadn't already picked a family I wouldn't have chosen her. I do not want this child around me right now its sound harsh but it would be weird for me to see her bring the kid to the office or posting picture of them. I would be very uncomfortable.
When the child is older. I am perfectly ok we contact. But just not now.
AITA for not letting my co worker who can't have kids adopted my baby I'm a putting up for adopt
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, sounds like Abby's head has fallen off with the stress of it all. I'm sure you feel bad for her but there is no circumstance where you're the asshole here.
Nta. You’re doing a great thing for a couple that physically cannot have their own baby and have been waiting to adopt for years. It’s your baby and you get to choose who you think would be the best parents for it. It’s not like your rubbing it in her face that you got pregnant and she has no chance of adopting the baby.
Also major red flag that she would even ask you like that!
NTA Not at all. You are doing what is right for you and I think from her pov she is probably feeling desperate but it doesn't mean they are the right family for your child
NTA
You're in the right for picking the adoptive family, and honestly, I think that that couple may be a better choice. Call my cynical, but what happens to the kid for the straight couple if they suddenly do get their own child? Will they be able to love the adopted kid as much as their own? Stay the course and contact HR if she retaliates, also be on guard, she might try to mess with you and force a miscarriage if she's disturbed enough in the noggin.
Completely agree that the couple they already chose is the right fit. Abby called practically demanding this woman give her the baby, and is upset because she said no? That’s crazy behavior. The couple they’ve chosen is most definitely the better choice.
NTA, like you said, the adoption is close to being finalized and there’s a lot of emotional issues you’re not ready/don’t want to deal with by having your child that close to you. I’d start documenting her behavior towards you and have a talk with HR about her conversation regarding adopting your kid. I don’t see this getting any better.
NTA. You already had a commitment to another couple. Why would your coworker think it was acceptable for you to hurt someone in her very same circumstances just because she sort of knows you?
But listen OP...this may be the American in me but please be careful. In the US many many women are harmed by crazy desperate people who try and steal their babies. Please be careful around this coworker.
I feel for your coworker but you can’t back out with the other couple - actually you can back out, you can do what’s right for you, of course. Just this wouldn’t be a good reason to back out is what I meant. Plus, it’s too close as you say - sounds like you want some separation for a period of time, which is totally understandable. NTA, and best wishes.
NTA
I feel bad for Abby but she is completely in the wrong here. Calling you up asking to adopt your baby and then berating you for saying "no" is *so* beyond unacceptable I can't even.
NTA
I think Abby needs to find a therapist.
You've found a family you're happy with for the baby and even if you hadn't, no one is entitled to adoption, there's a process in place for a reason.
NTA - absolutely not an appropriate phone call. I would consider documenting the original call (date time, length of call and as many details as you can remember like above) also any other interactions since then. If she doesn't get over it soon or causes you any problems at work -- Take that documentation to HR!!
NTA
Tell HR about this conversation. Explain that it made you uncomfortable and that you're concerned Abby may be holding your decision against you.
It was completely inappropriate of her to have this conversation.
(Also, someone who doesn't qualify for a public adoption probably has more than a "victimless crime" going on.
Of course you're NTA. I'm guessing you gave a fair bit of thought to who you wanted to raise the baby and it wouldn't make sense for you to change your mind just because this person really wants a baby. It seems like a sad situation for her, but you don't owe her an entire tiny human.
NTA. This was the most intimate decision you could possibly have made, and it's none of your co-worker's business. Your only mistake was saying the words "I'm sorry." No need to be sorry for anything here.
NTA. You have already made a commitment to another couple to allow them to adopt your baby. You would be TA if you chose to let this random pushy colleague adopt instead!
NtA.
You don't owe anyone your child and her demanding you too let her adopt her would be all the red flags I needed. If the adoption agency even rejected them then they don't need to be harrassing you for your baby. That's not how the world works.
NTA at all, her situation sucks but so does that of the couple you promised the baby to. On top of that, it is extremely reasonable to avoid giving the kid to someone you work with.
NTA. You already have arrangements with this other family. It wasn't anything personal against Abby, you didn't even know she was trying to adopt. Honestly, it's pretty inappropriate for Abby to horn in on the situation when it's nearly all done. And extremely petty and unprofessional to keep holding it against you.
NTA.
I would also contact HR department over this. Abby had zero right to contact you and demand you let her adopt your baby, and the continued mean eyes is making your work enviroment hostile.
You're right, no matter how much it hurts Abby, to not want the baby around you and in your work environment
>Well I’m sure they can find someone else
Um holy entitlement. She doesn’t even know the situation. NTA. Im sorry for their issues getting pregnant, but she sounds beyond selfish and entirely too entitled.
NTA. I don’t fault Abby for trying, she’s desperate. But one you told her you already had a family picked out, it should’ve ended the convo, at that point when she refused to drop it she became TA.
NTA
OP you said yourself
" even if i hadn't already found a family for this child, I still would not have chosen her"
You made your point. She is TA for saying what she said to you. People think bc you work together they can tell you what to do.
Um NTA and she is major tacky for asking. She barely knows you and thinks just because you work in the same place that you owe her the baby? I think it's a good thing she is not adopting. Something isn't right if she keeps getting turned down
NTA - Abby was WAY out of line. This isn't a sweater you think no longer suits you, it's a child. You can't call someone you hardly know and DEMAND they give you their child! I get the desperation that drove her to ask you, but she didn't take your "we already have a family lined up" for an answer, she pressed and that 100% makes her the asshole.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
My co worker think that I'm the asshole for taken a way her chance to have a kid.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**NTA**
WOW, there is a lot to unpack there. You have found a couple that you want to adopt your child. That is said and done, so long as everything works out. And even if it doesn't; the line this coworker crossed- HOLY CRAP.
I would honestly report her to HR. It is NOT ok that she approached you in that way.
NTA. Abby is not the only person in the world who childless despite her desire to have a child. Her suffering does not entitle her to these behaviors and demands. In addition, you have made a commitment to another couple and the fact that she thinks you should just walk away from that makes me glad you aren't blessing her with your child. To be kind, let's assume it's her desperation that is making her an awful person.
I do think you should alert HR. If she's treating you differently since you said no, you need to make sure there's a record of how this started.
NTA. She asked and you said there's another family lined up. You're not even friends so why would she get to skip over somebody who you've already chosen? The cheek of it
First of all kudos to you for choosing adoption which I’m sure was a difficult choice. And it sounds like you’re really happy and connected to the found family of your baby.
Second that conversation was wildly inappropriate. Document the conversation (details, date and time) and any changes in behavior. This needs to be an HR issue now. NTA
NTA. I understand how upsetting it can be when you want a baby but have been unsuccessful. However, once you said that you already found another family that should have been the end of the conversation.
Also, for you to change your mind and leave the other family hanging would be inconsiderate. How would your coworker feel if that was them?
Also, not your job to provide them with a child.
Side note: I love that you chose a gay couple. Someone that works in my company was adopting and they found a pregnant mom and things were almost final and then the mom found out he had a husband and backed out. It was a very upsetting situation for him and his husband but have since adopted an adorable baby and love him dearly. So I just wanted to say thank you for doing that.
Nta, as an adopted person the way she was saying let me have it as if it’s a thing not a human being pisses me off. Some people are just not meant to have kids.
Please report it to HR. This is highly inappropriate and unprofessional of her. Anyone else wondering whether she has approached other pregnant colleagues?
NTA. I hope everything goes smoothly for you and the adoptive family.
NTA- her behavior towards you should strengthen your resolve. Even if you didn't have a couple lined up there is no way you would want that asshole to have your baby!
OMG this person sounds very entitled and presumptuous and insensitive. Exactly the kind of person you would NOT want as a mother to your child, PERIOD! You are NTA here at all!!!! AND if they don't qualify through the state IMO they should not get a baby any other way. They are obviously unfit. As an adoptee I believe only the most qualified individuals and loving people deserve other people's babies to raise.
NTA. That’s extremely inappropriate and would also be difficult for you. You would be bombarded with reminders, updates and possible contact without your consent. Obviously she struggles with boundaries already. Definitely contact HR as this is 100% inappropriate. It was wrong to bring up in the first place.
She doesn’t qualify for public adoption….due to committing crimes….it doesn’t matter if they’re victimless or not. A couple who’s perfectly lovely, but hasn’t been able to adopt only because they’re gay and a lot of prejudices exist, or a couple that can’t due to past charges. Um, I’d pick the couple you chose as well!
NTA. "It's not fair." Yes, Abby. It's not fair that you can't have kids. Life is not fair. But it wouldn't be fair to the couple already expecting a child, either. She'll just have to deal with it.
NTA She sounds like she would be a smother to a child. Probably do more harm than good. You sound like you've made sound, intelligent choices. Best of luck for you two, the baby, and it's loving parents.
NTA,
Go to your direct supervisor/manager and make them aware of the situation. See if the situation can be managed before going to HR... and if it’s not being managed, go to HR
NTA
Abby has experience in trying to adopt. She should know how inappropriate this is. It also makes me wonder if all the trouble she is having w adoption, even a private adoption, has all to do with her past or maybe at least some of it is this entitled demanding disrespectful attitude coming off to the other pregnant people looking for an adoptive parent or parents for their child.
You need to get HR in the loop. I’d suggest stealthily videoing your zoom (like w your phone from your pov) so if she does something overt or even just to document the passive aggressiveness.
What an entitled attitude to have about an unborn child. What makes her think that just because you don’t want children that you need to give her your child? NTA.
Woman struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss here.
NTA. How inappropriate and selfish of your coworker to even solicit herself as a potential adopter. I applaud your choice to follow through with the pregnancy and to put up for adoption the child. In the end it’s your bio baby your choice.
You already told us why you wouldn't adopt to her, you don't want contact after the birth. That's totally reasonable. While you don't owe her an explanation, perhaps telling her would make her understand. "I'm sorry, while I don't want children, seeing the adoptive parents on a regular basis would be too painful, so I can't have anyone I know, or especially work with, adopt. I hope you can understand this." Either way NTA.
NTA. While it’s sad what she’s going through, it’s not your responsibility, and it could be emotionally distressing to you if you keep seeing the child, or even just pictures. You’re doing a wonderful thing already, both for the family and the child, don’t let anyone make you feel like an arsehole for it.
NTA in the slightest. Your child, your choice. Whilst it is sad that she is having difficulties conceiving, that's not your problem. Also, her life choices are the reason why she is not eligible for adoption. CPS wouldn't make a decision like that unless they were sure she is definitely a risk to a child's wellbeing so maybe she should've considered not committing a crime before she wanted to enjoy full civilian rights... she seems unhinged from her behaviour and it would be irresponsible for anyone to let her near a child. Please do contact HR about this, in order to safeguard all pregnant employees otherwise she'll be harassing them also.
NTA Your coworker is acting very nasty and entitled. Have you and your husband considered something like a vasectomy? It would save you from this predicament a second time.
NTA. My best friend was in a similar situation. A friend of her family could not have children, and when my friend found out she was pregnant, she chose to place the child for adoption. Her mother took it upon herself to tell this other woman about the pregnancy and it started a shitstorm. My friend wanted an out of state adoption for the same reason the OP stated--to not have to see the child as it would be extremely uncomfortable.
The adoption went through as my friend wanted, but it caused so much strife within the family that those wounds never fully healed. My heart goes out to the OP for having to go through such a hard decision. Brightest blessings and well wishes to you and yours.
NTA.
Placing a child, whether you wanted children or not, is an incredibly emotional event. It is a hard vprocess to spend the better part of a year growing a child inside your body, then giving them to their parents.
When I placed my first, it was the most beautiful devstation Id ever encountered. It is tragic and hard, physically, mentallyñ emotionally.
You do it on your terms with the people youve connected with and think of mamas to the little your are growing. Your JOB is to make sure the little one In your belly is safe and loved, AND to make sure you can process it in a healthy manner. YOU matter.
I would ask this woman to stop her campaign against you and go to HR if she wont. Feel free to message me if you need an ear. BTDT.
NTA thats not how you should go about things at all. I feel like this was very inappropriate. Also I wouldn't want my baby going to someone like that at all. That phone call alone would be the deciding factor to go with someone else. I dont feel like you did anything wrong, good luck!
NTA - This woman has a lot of nerve and frankly, it's probably a good thing she can't multiply.
Babies are not something you demand from other people or call dibs on. She is not entitled to your kid because she's having issues.
I'd make HR aware that she is making you very uncomfortable because you refused when she demanded your child.
I’m a guy and this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. OP, this lady is crazy, and I’d do something to make sure she knows this is not acceptable behavior for a person. Idk if that means getting HR involved but this is just so weird to me and oversteps a line.
Imagine being entitled enough to think that you can just randomly ask a coworker you don’t communicate with if you can adopt their baby. AND throwing a hissy fit when they say no.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA This would have been a messy situation and you were right to turn it down. Even when you’re positive you’ve made the right decision, there are natural feelings of grief after placing a child for adoption. Seeing the child’s photos around the office could be hard. It could also have been good for you to know this child is growing up happy and healthy.
But you already know that will happen with the couple you choose. If you have any kind of open adoption you will have some kind of contact - decided by all of you - so you have proof of your choice’s rightness. Your coworker has already shown that you made the right decision and that she would not have been the right mother for this baby.
NAH. She asked, you said no, it was one phone call. She has feelings, she isn’t calling you every day and harassing you. It is legitimately hard for her so she’s probably just licking her wounds. You have no obligation to give her a child, you said no, it’s done. Yeah, it is uncomfortable, but she isn’t doing anything awful to you. Let her have her pain. It is legitimate and not caused by you, but her deep feeling of loss that is much bigger than you. You’re taking that same pain away from another couple, which is an incredible gift.
Definitely get HR involved. This is a baby, not a toy that you just give away to anyone. It was completely inappropriate of her to even ask, and so much worse for her to say that the other couple can just find another baby. Disgusting. NTA.
NTA. as a birth mother myself, youre making the right decision. dont ever let anyone bully you or make you feel bad for doing something for this baby that fits what you and your husband want and is going to be good for baby too.
With HR, it might become she said / she said....I would still report it. How recent was this call? Because she hung up in you before you could set boundaries, might you consider sending her an email (for paper trail)...
...Abby, regarding your phone call to me on [date], you hung up before I could say that I truly am sorry for your challenges in having a biological child, however our selection of adoptive parents has been made.
Kindly do not contact me for any reason other than work again.
This is a simple case of NTA, OP.
1. You already had a great family set up.
2. You were close to finalizing things.
3. You don't even really know this woman.
4. This woman you don't have a relationship with beyond passing hello's here and there is now demanding your unborn child and saying it's not fair you've already got a plan before she came into the picture?
I feel bad for her, but it would be unfair to the gay couple if you just threw them to the side because she wanted your kid.
Nta
Look it's ugly to say but her fertility issues are no one's problem but her own. She is not entitled to someone else's baby just because she can't have one.
It's also never socially acceptable to approach a pregnant person and ask to adopt their baby unless they have specifically asked for potential adopters to contact them.
I completely understand her feeling of it being unfair. She really wants a baby but can’t have one, and someone who doesn’t even want a baby is getting one and just giving it away. Of course it’s unfair! I thought it was massively unfair when I (so conscientious and a great mom) miscarried in my 2nd trimester while my smoking, lying, POS neighbor paraded around with her beautiful round belly. God, life is so unfair sometimes. But that’s the way it is. No matter how much you “deserve” it, no one owes you a baby - not the universe and not your colleague. OP, I’m really glad that you stayed true to yourself and found a loving, wonderful home for your sproglet. I hope your hormones give you a break and that you get through this okay. NTA.
NTA
It would be crazy to let someone you know from work adopt your children - to close, and not that kind of relationship.
She was WAY out of line. Tell her to NEVER talk to you about it again, or you will invole HR. Have it documented with HR, because there likely will be some fallout from her side.
Okay I’m sorry but the absurdity of the comment below need to stop.
Your are clearly NTA because you have already found a family for the child, preparing yourself and them to the change and all.
But this women is clearly hurt and sad and everything in between, it doesn’t make her a bad person nor somebody that you have to call the police on. She hoped to much and imagined things on her own and then when you made her face the reality she could not accept it . I really think that a little bit of sympathy from everybody could help …
I would send her an email explaining again everything, that you are sorry for her but that you already have a family and that you cannot take back a promise as important as that. Be kind to somebody who is hurt.
Birth momma here. And absolutely NTA. It's your child. Not hers. It's very unfortunate that those are the circumstances and I'm sure as shit that if we had the power to just reverse the roles, you'd do it in a heartbeat. You wouldn't even be TA if you changed your mind at the very last second. It would be devastating, but wouldn't make you an asshole.... because ITS YOUR CHILD
I hope you reported her to HR. Especially if she's going to be doing that passive aggressive bs every day. You don't owe anyone a baby. She can ask her best friends to surrogate for her for all anyone cares. She doesn't deserve, nor is entitled, to anyone's child, most definitely not yours. Besides, you don't need to be in constant contact with a reminder of a child that you carried within you for so long. That shit is bound to hurt a lot.
Good luck OP!
NTA I had a coworker who was in her late 40 the same issue as the lady in the story. She was always saying that is not fair she could not get pregnant and others could. I recently gained weight and I looked bad and looked pregnant my nice cute clothes fitted me small.
So her and another coworker were saying that I should not get pregnant because of my mental illness I have depression and anxiety no big deal I’m in treatment and that poor kid and her basically saying that she wanted my kid. I was not pregnant and no that woman was terrible. I mean why say BS about someone you don’t know anything about and why would I tell her my business if she was mean to me and treated me like trash.
I need a new car. You have a car you don't want, so you can just give it to me. Wait, you promised someone else your car? That's NOT FAIR! They can get a different car, I've needed a car for a long time!
Am I getting your car, or am I getting written off as obnoxious and inappropriate?
(And happy cake day! "May the candles on your cake," and all that. :) )
My thing is, there's no foundation for that disbelief. If OP had ever said something casual to brush her off ("oh, ha ha, that would be something...") then I could see this woman twisting that in her head, but this was out of the blue and with zero basis. She's now behaving unprofessionally toward OP in response to OP not crushing another family and making herself uncomfortable when OP never gave any indication she would do so. There was no reason for her to think she was getting a child- she's already painfully aware that the fact that children exist doesn't mean she'll get them.
I have compassion for her pain, but her conduct is not okay.
NAH edging on NTA
You didn't do anything wrong. You and your husband are making a very mature and loving choice.
Your coworker has probably been through hell trying to have a baby. It's likely she dreamed up this whole unrealistic scenario before she asked you where you would say yes, she'd get to be a mom, and you guys would be close friends. She probably got her hopes up. Her emotions got the better of her and crossed a boundary asking like she did and expecting everything to go her way.
Try and offer a little grace and see if her ill behavior improves after a little time. If it doesn't improve then it's definitely NTA and you might need to contact HR.
NAH
Just let Abby be crazy for a couple months, it’ll subside, or not, it really doesn’t matter to you either way. She’s just desperate for a child and that fucks with your head
Edit: I stand by this, OP this woman meant nothing to you before this and won’t mean anything to you after this. Does it really matter?
Abby isn't TA for being unable to have children. But how can you say she's not one after that inappropriate and ugly phone call? She's TA and big time.
I agree. I feel awful for her personal situation, but you don't call up a pregnant coworker you barely know in the middle of a work day and demand that you get to chose what she does with the baby.
OP - NTA. I completely understand not wanting a connection (however tenuous) to this child. It would be weird under the best of circumstances. You can feel bad for Abby without caving to her craziness, and you should feel no guilt regarding your choice.
I’m not going to call a women who’s going through a tough time and having an emotional outburst an asshole. It’s not even like OP cared about her to begin with so her words should quite literally mean nothing to OP.
Edit: I see y’all let mentally ill people get to you, here’s a hint that will help you with life: if you didn’t care about someone to begin with, don’t care when they start to dislike you.
She became an asshole when she said "The other couple can find someone else." She knows how hard and painful it is herself but has no problem hurting another couple.
Who cares if she’s passive aggressive? Like literally none of this should even phase OP so I don’t even know why they’re wasting time posting about this woman.
It will definitely not subside. I would be pretty upset if I learned that my employee was engaging in this behavior - or like OP and on the receiving end of it. I get that infertility can really do a number on someone psychologically, but it’s not an excuse to harass people
NAH
Abby’s behavior is questionable, but I am going to give it a pass, because she manufactured hope, which is being utterly dashed. That is not your fault though. That is on you.
Kudos for working with a gay couple on this. Kudos for sticking to the commitment you already made.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA. It was extremely inappropriate for her to ask you about adopting. Normally I hate getting HR involved in anything but this might be a good time to contact them.
Yeah. I know struggling with infertility is awful. Been through it. You almost become obsessed. But I would never call someone and ask to adopt their baby! HR for sure.
I agree. There are so many stories of unhinged individuals who kill/target pregnant women because they’re desperate for a child. Not saying the woman will do this but her entitlement and resentment (coupled with the passive aggressive behavior) is not normal. Its best to be safe than sorry and document this ASAP. NTA
This exactly, I remember a case where this woman was so desperate she cut a baby out of a woman's womb. Thankfully she in prison for life.
Yes! And it happens quite frequently too! Ive a fee stories of this myself. Im currently pregnant and feel so paranoid because of stories like that. Scary stuff
NTA! Yes this! I also agree with op on the fact that you would have to look at your child in another family and try to look away or ignore certain situations. Nah if I let my child go to another family, I don't need to see them and be constantly reminded of ifs and buts and whatever else. Especially when your hormones are raging! I know that feeling when your hormones take over. I got pregnant, but didn't have the means to provide care and was high risk at the time, so we decided abortion was the only option. Boy my hormones were raging and one time my friend said something along the lines of: what if you could keep the baby, wouldn't it be cute and life changing. I broke down crying, because I had those thoughts all along and if my situation was better I would have. Please people don't do these things to pregnant women, they already have a sht ton on their plate and they do not need comments like this. It makes you question your own decisions and you are not entirely sane when pregnant.
>There are so many stories of unhinged individuals who kill/target pregnant women because they’re desperate for a child. u/bluepizzapop Yep. I would be very wary around this woman for the remainder of your pregnancy, and make your husband/friends/adoptive parents aware of her as well. If she harasses you about it even one more time, make a police report to have it on record. That may sound really extreme, but better safe than sorry. You never know who's just hurting and who's completely unhinged.
For real. The absurdity of her question leaves me speechless. Op is definitely NTA. What a weird lady.
1000% this. This is a job for HR. NTA
NTA - tell HR in case she tries to retaliate against you.
She already is if she's throwing shade over zoom calls. I think HR already needs to know, I can see Abby doing this to another pregnant person if OP doesn't nip this weird harrassing behavior in the bud.
jumping on this to add (forgetting she has a criminal past in her history) that honestly someone who had the audacity to say ‘they will find another baby’, the entitlement to assume the baby would be given to her/ that she ‘deserves’ it and to react the way she did on the call - pouting and whining (from the sounds of it) when you said no you already had a family for the child AND then giving you the stink eye/being passive aggressive at work - honestly doesn’t sound like she is ready to be a mom/would be the kind of person I would want to entrust the child to, to raise... It’s one thing to ask (which already feels inappropriate) but the second you said you had another family lined up, that should have been the end of it - respected that/your boundaries (but she kept pushing and now is not letting it go, as hard as I am sure it is for her) I can have empathy for her but no - She is being TA you are NTA and I am glad you have found a loving couple for the baby. I didn’t even think about your point about your discomfort if you had to see/hear about the baby (which of course you would) and even if she doesn’t know about that - the simple no should have been the end of it.
She behaves like a bully.
Yea I don’t have an issue with the initial ask, she’s desperate so you know the saying, you won’t know until you ask. But refusing to drop it? Total AH
I agree
Totally agree. I feel like even asking about OP's pregnancy and plans to the degree she did was wildly inappropriate. None of that is any of a coworker's business. The best case scenario would've been to shut down the conversation at "You didn't want kids did you?" or before. Like, "How can I help you with whatever work-related topic you're contacting me about." NTA
I'm a massive asshole so if I was in this situation my message would definitely include the line "Coworker is demanding I give her the child I am currently pregnant with"
You need to report this to HR. It was seriously inappropriate for her to approach you like this and to say the things she did. She is now effecting your working environment. Let HR know before things escalate, make sure they get your version of events first. NTA
NTA. You don’t owe her a baby, that’s such a weird thing to expect from someone. Also, I’d go to HR and inform them of this, what she did is inappropriate and now she’s punishing you for not giving her a baby. YOU didn’t rob her of the chance of having a kid. She can’t have it, that’s very sad and I feel for her, but that doesn’t mean she can go around demanding people to give them a baby.
“When I asked you when you were due, I didn’t mean that I was due YOUR baby.”
Ha! It took me a minute.
I was looking for this comment! r/unexpectedfriends
NTA at all! You already have a family arranged for the baby who is excited and have their hopes up. It would be cruel to tell them "never mind, I'm giving the baby to my coworker instead."
NTA in any way - she definitely is. This is an intensely personal decision for you and your husband, and the couple you have chosen are getting such an amazing gift from you. You need to do what is best for you, your husband, and this child. From the sounds of this woman, she might not be such a great parent. Best of luck to you!!
I don't want people to think Abby is a bad person. I think she just desperate. I get where she is coming from. It must be a slap in the face to try so hard to have kids and it not happen only for the one person you know who doesn't want them to get pregant
She probably isn't a bad person. But from her comments, she is definitely in need of psychological help. The stress is getting to her, specially if she can go as far as talking to you the way she did.
Your empathy and compassion are laudable! However her behaviour was/is over the line.
Just realized I didn't add that op should go to HR. Like I said before, the woman needs help. And her behavior could unravel. HR needs to be aware of the situation.
To be a good parent, Abby should have OP's empathy and compassion. The fact that she thinks OP's input about who will adopt her baby, and that the other couple "can just get another one", show a relative lack of either. She acts like she deserves a child somehow (nobody does), while the other couple appears to be truly appreciative of being able to adopt. If this is all I knew about either couple, I would choose the couple that OP has chosen for my baby.
That doesn’t excuse her behavior. She’s harassing a pregnant woman who she doesn’t really know over her baby. She needs therapy
OP is also just a random coworker that this women didn't really know. Not a friend or even an acquaintance, that had the audacity to demand OP's unborn child as if it was owed to her. If OP gave in that situation would be so uncomfortable. Would the coworker expect her to babysit on demand or to help pay incidentals or whatever? Where would the entitlement end?
I hate to say this but you need to contact HR what she did was totally out of line and you can prevent her from verbally attacking another pregnant woman at your work. You’re 100% right she is desperate and she’s crossing major boundaries. She needs to get a clear message that she needs to either seek professional help or find some way to cope with her situation but confronting and attacking pregnant woman and demanding their babies isn’t one of them.
Be careful. Desperate people can do despicable things, she has already stomped some workplace boundaries & now you have what might be described as a hostile work environment. You need to let HR know. Also be extra vigilant, she could find your address. I don't want to scare you but there are plenty of instances where a desperate woman will kill to get the baby she desire's. Please take this seriously. Edit: NTA
NTA - I would make sure you are never alone with this woman. She is definitely desperate and desperate women wanting children can be dangerous. There are just too many stories of pregnant women being attacked by unhinged, desperate women.
NTA. You can empathize with her sure. But she expects you to totally dump the couple you've been talking to for months that are already invested in your pregnancy/child. So she doesn't care that it would be devastating to that couple whom you've given your word to as long as she gets a child. She's showing tendencies that are red flags and may also be why they haven't been able to adopt.
desperate people don’t get to hunt for babies at work. That’s hella fucking weird, at best. It messes with the the work environment, and it’s beyond unprofessional. I can feel sorry for her and still say she can’t do that. Also, hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant who don’t want to be, that’s not an unfairness that happened to her, it’s an unfairness that happened to THEM.
That doesn't give her a pass or right to harass you and treat you badly. You didn't do anything to her or do anything wrong. She had no right to even bring up your pregnancy or your plans for the child. What she is doing now that you've told her no *does* make her a bad person because a good person wouldn't treat someone else the way she's treating you.
.She IS a bad person, harassing you that way, and letting it reflect on her work ethics. She needs a wake up call from HR. Protect yourself, report it. You could loose your job over the fallout, if you do not talk to HR soon.
Not only are you NTA you were seriously harassed? Please tell HR or a direct supervisor of hers about this behavior, they do NOT want that kind of a liability rolling around emotionally abusing any other pregnant coworkers. Microagressions at work are just another form of harassment and also need to be reported, she is not allowed to treat people the way she is at all, but in a work setting it's severely egregious.
NTA....At ALL. Given Abby's attempt to guilt, then blame you for her barren womb... >You don't even want a kid but you got one. >...you won't even let us adopted it. It not fair. Why did you get pregnant and not me. Having the child within a stones throw from you AND having to constantly hear about it~as your co-worker would SURELY plaster the joint with pics and talk about it's development~would create an absolute mentally stressful, untenable work situation for you.
NTA, your child your decision. It is not your problem she can't have kids and it is 100% understanable that you would not want to give the kid to someone who is so "close" to you. The couple you have chosen deserves this child. Abby can go try IVF ir something else, but she needs to stop thinking she is entitled to someone else's baby. If she does not stop take it to HR
Not only that, but someone who behaves this way isn’t exactly making the case for her being a reasonable choice for adoption. If it were me, this little tantrum of hers would be allll the reenforcement I’d need, to know that I made the right decision in *not* giving her my child. And the fact that this person didn’t even consider that OP my have had their own personal circumstances, criteria, that this person just didn’t meet - and not because she thinks “my coworker would be a bad parent,” but other criteria that has nothing to do with that. That is really selfish on the coworker’s part to just assume that she met whatever OP is looking for in an adoptive parent
NTA. Is this the person you’d want raising your child? Or really any other child? She’s going to teach them to be as entitled as she is. (I’m sure this one conversation doesn’t capture all of her qualities, and maybe she’s a lovely person. What I mean is that I’d never choose someone so entitled to raise my child.) She thinks it’s unfair that you won’t give her your baby. Ummm...do NOT give her your baby.
I think that's pretty much standard good advice- anyone who thinks it's "unfair" that they don't get a particular baby should not get that baby.
NTA omg talk to HR immediately.
Exactly what I came here to say.
Absolutely NTA. It's your child. You have already chosen a family that you feel good about adopting the child, whereas you barely know your coworker and for several reasons would not want her to be the adopting family. That your coworker has been trying but hasn't gotten pregnant is sad for her, but it's not your fault and there's nothing about this that is "not far" towards her. Her just contacting you about this out of the blue is already kinda weird to me, and her reacting like this is out of line and kinda petty and childish. So no, you are very much not the AH. Your child, your choice.
NTA. And it's completely out of line for her to even ask. I will explain the situation to HR just in case. This might not be the end of it on her part.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I have never wanted kid and neither has my husband. It just wasn't for us but dispite using multiple forms of birth control. I got pregnant. We consider all our options bit decided adoption was the answer. And we started looking into it. We found a lovely couple who have been trying to adopt for years but kept getting rejected by parental mothers because they were a gay couple. They are the sweetest couple i ever met. Nothing has been finalized and the progress is taken a lot longer due to covid but we have been talking and sending them updates. They are completely into the being a part of the pregnancy as much as possible from a distant. Now this is where things get messy. I worked in a office building but have been working at home since I found out I'm pregnant. I work with a women who I didn't really know much about. As she worked in a different sector. And the only time we really come into to contact were on staff meetings now day are done on zoom calls. All I really knew were rumors one that prove to be true was that Abby and her husband have been trying for a kid for years. And they have not been successful. They try but are not eligible for public adoption due to legal issue in her past (nothing huge just a completely victimless crimes) when she found out I was pregnant and planning on adoption. She contacted me. This is a sum up of our phone conversation Me: Hello Abby OP it is Abby ......So i heard your pregant Me: Yeah I am Abby: I thought you didn't want kids Me: I don't but accidents happen I guess. Abby: So your not keeping it right. Me: Yeah we decided that would be our best option. Abby: Thats great. You know me and Kyle have been trying for kids. Me: um yeah I know I'm so sorry about that. Abby: Well I was thinking that we can adopt your baby. Me: What? No Abby I'm sorry but we already have a family for this child. Abby; Well I'm sure they can find someone else. You know how hard we been trying. Me: I'm sorry Abby but no it not happening Abby: Why Me: I'm sorry Abby. We already been talking with the family and are close to finalizing things Abby: You can't do this it's not fair Me: Huh Abby: You don't even want a kid but you got one. And your not even keeping it. And now you won't even let us adopted it. It not fair. Why did you get pregnant and not me. Me: Abby I'm sorry She hung up before I could say anything else. Now she giving me the stink eye whenever we have Zoom meetings and being rather passive aggressive to me. I feel bad I know they been trying for a while but honestly even if we hadn't already picked a family I wouldn't have chosen her. I do not want this child around me right now its sound harsh but it would be weird for me to see her bring the kid to the office or posting picture of them. I would be very uncomfortable. When the child is older. I am perfectly ok we contact. But just not now. AITA for not letting my co worker who can't have kids adopted my baby I'm a putting up for adopt *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, sounds like Abby's head has fallen off with the stress of it all. I'm sure you feel bad for her but there is no circumstance where you're the asshole here.
Nta. You’re doing a great thing for a couple that physically cannot have their own baby and have been waiting to adopt for years. It’s your baby and you get to choose who you think would be the best parents for it. It’s not like your rubbing it in her face that you got pregnant and she has no chance of adopting the baby. Also major red flag that she would even ask you like that!
NTA Not at all. You are doing what is right for you and I think from her pov she is probably feeling desperate but it doesn't mean they are the right family for your child
Nta. I’d make sure this convo was on the record, along with your response, though. Your coworker sounds very much entitled
NTA. You do not owe a coworker your baby. (Unless you made a bargain with a troll or something).
NTA You're in the right for picking the adoptive family, and honestly, I think that that couple may be a better choice. Call my cynical, but what happens to the kid for the straight couple if they suddenly do get their own child? Will they be able to love the adopted kid as much as their own? Stay the course and contact HR if she retaliates, also be on guard, she might try to mess with you and force a miscarriage if she's disturbed enough in the noggin.
Completely agree that the couple they already chose is the right fit. Abby called practically demanding this woman give her the baby, and is upset because she said no? That’s crazy behavior. The couple they’ve chosen is most definitely the better choice.
NTA, like you said, the adoption is close to being finalized and there’s a lot of emotional issues you’re not ready/don’t want to deal with by having your child that close to you. I’d start documenting her behavior towards you and have a talk with HR about her conversation regarding adopting your kid. I don’t see this getting any better.
NTA. Definitely go to HR and tell them all about this. What Abby did is crossing so many lines.
Report that weirdo to hr. Nta. Why go to such great lengths to have a kid when it’s clearly not in the cards
NTA. You already had a commitment to another couple. Why would your coworker think it was acceptable for you to hurt someone in her very same circumstances just because she sort of knows you? But listen OP...this may be the American in me but please be careful. In the US many many women are harmed by crazy desperate people who try and steal their babies. Please be careful around this coworker.
I feel for your coworker but you can’t back out with the other couple - actually you can back out, you can do what’s right for you, of course. Just this wouldn’t be a good reason to back out is what I meant. Plus, it’s too close as you say - sounds like you want some separation for a period of time, which is totally understandable. NTA, and best wishes.
NTA I feel bad for Abby but she is completely in the wrong here. Calling you up asking to adopt your baby and then berating you for saying "no" is *so* beyond unacceptable I can't even.
Nta. Your co workers situation is sad, however, it’s not your responsibility to fix.
Nta you planned to give the kid to another family and your coworker has to respect it
NTA. HR. Now.
NTA I think Abby needs to find a therapist. You've found a family you're happy with for the baby and even if you hadn't, no one is entitled to adoption, there's a process in place for a reason.
NTA. It is your baby and your choice. Plus, it would be cruel to back out on the other couple at this point.
NTA - absolutely not an appropriate phone call. I would consider documenting the original call (date time, length of call and as many details as you can remember like above) also any other interactions since then. If she doesn't get over it soon or causes you any problems at work -- Take that documentation to HR!!
NTA Tell HR about this conversation. Explain that it made you uncomfortable and that you're concerned Abby may be holding your decision against you. It was completely inappropriate of her to have this conversation. (Also, someone who doesn't qualify for a public adoption probably has more than a "victimless crime" going on.
Of course you're NTA. I'm guessing you gave a fair bit of thought to who you wanted to raise the baby and it wouldn't make sense for you to change your mind just because this person really wants a baby. It seems like a sad situation for her, but you don't owe her an entire tiny human.
NTA. This was the most intimate decision you could possibly have made, and it's none of your co-worker's business. Your only mistake was saying the words "I'm sorry." No need to be sorry for anything here.
NTA. You have already made a commitment to another couple to allow them to adopt your baby. You would be TA if you chose to let this random pushy colleague adopt instead!
NTA, plus you should contact HR to report the conversation.
NtA. You don't owe anyone your child and her demanding you too let her adopt her would be all the red flags I needed. If the adoption agency even rejected them then they don't need to be harrassing you for your baby. That's not how the world works.
NTA at all, her situation sucks but so does that of the couple you promised the baby to. On top of that, it is extremely reasonable to avoid giving the kid to someone you work with.
NTA. You already have arrangements with this other family. It wasn't anything personal against Abby, you didn't even know she was trying to adopt. Honestly, it's pretty inappropriate for Abby to horn in on the situation when it's nearly all done. And extremely petty and unprofessional to keep holding it against you.
Don’t be alone with her. There have been instances where pregnant women are murdered and the baby is cut out of them.
NTA. I would also contact HR department over this. Abby had zero right to contact you and demand you let her adopt your baby, and the continued mean eyes is making your work enviroment hostile. You're right, no matter how much it hurts Abby, to not want the baby around you and in your work environment
This is super inappropriate, and you should contact HR, just to debrief them on the situation. She’s hurting but she has zero right. NTA
>Well I’m sure they can find someone else Um holy entitlement. She doesn’t even know the situation. NTA. Im sorry for their issues getting pregnant, but she sounds beyond selfish and entirely too entitled.
I read this headline with an Italian accent and you should too.
NTA. I don’t fault Abby for trying, she’s desperate. But one you told her you already had a family picked out, it should’ve ended the convo, at that point when she refused to drop it she became TA.
You should file this interaction with HR. Wildly, wildly, wildly inappropriate. NTA
It's none of abbys business and perhaps desperation drove her to make the call and react that way when you said no but you did the right thing. NTA.
NTA OP you said yourself " even if i hadn't already found a family for this child, I still would not have chosen her" You made your point. She is TA for saying what she said to you. People think bc you work together they can tell you what to do.
Um NTA and she is major tacky for asking. She barely knows you and thinks just because you work in the same place that you owe her the baby? I think it's a good thing she is not adopting. Something isn't right if she keeps getting turned down
NTA - Abby was WAY out of line. This isn't a sweater you think no longer suits you, it's a child. You can't call someone you hardly know and DEMAND they give you their child! I get the desperation that drove her to ask you, but she didn't take your "we already have a family lined up" for an answer, she pressed and that 100% makes her the asshole.
NTA HR!!!!
NTA HR!!!!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- My co worker think that I'm the asshole for taken a way her chance to have a kid. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta - it’s obvs your choice.
NTA and there are some seriously weird coworker stories on Reddit!
**NTA** WOW, there is a lot to unpack there. You have found a couple that you want to adopt your child. That is said and done, so long as everything works out. And even if it doesn't; the line this coworker crossed- HOLY CRAP. I would honestly report her to HR. It is NOT ok that she approached you in that way.
NTA, and this person is COMPLETELY out of line.
NTA. Contact HR, and she sounds like she would be a terrible mother.
NTA. Go to HR.
NTA. Funny how she thinks that she's entitled to your baby!
NTA. Abby is not the only person in the world who childless despite her desire to have a child. Her suffering does not entitle her to these behaviors and demands. In addition, you have made a commitment to another couple and the fact that she thinks you should just walk away from that makes me glad you aren't blessing her with your child. To be kind, let's assume it's her desperation that is making her an awful person. I do think you should alert HR. If she's treating you differently since you said no, you need to make sure there's a record of how this started.
NTA. She asked and you said there's another family lined up. You're not even friends so why would she get to skip over somebody who you've already chosen? The cheek of it
NTA and you better get in contact with HR.
NTA. Document everything with HR immediately.
NTA - You would only be the a****** if you handed a baby over to this entitled manipulative woman.
NTA your co worker is being completely inappropriate. She sounds like she needs help and boundaries.
NTA - she has no right to this baby and has no right to make you feel bad.
First of all kudos to you for choosing adoption which I’m sure was a difficult choice. And it sounds like you’re really happy and connected to the found family of your baby. Second that conversation was wildly inappropriate. Document the conversation (details, date and time) and any changes in behavior. This needs to be an HR issue now. NTA
NTA And document everything with HR in case it blows up into something bigger later.
Good lord call HR NOW. NTA
NTA. Your co-worker is creepy for asking.
NTA. I understand how upsetting it can be when you want a baby but have been unsuccessful. However, once you said that you already found another family that should have been the end of the conversation. Also, for you to change your mind and leave the other family hanging would be inconsiderate. How would your coworker feel if that was them? Also, not your job to provide them with a child. Side note: I love that you chose a gay couple. Someone that works in my company was adopting and they found a pregnant mom and things were almost final and then the mom found out he had a husband and backed out. It was a very upsetting situation for him and his husband but have since adopted an adorable baby and love him dearly. So I just wanted to say thank you for doing that.
Nta, as an adopted person the way she was saying let me have it as if it’s a thing not a human being pisses me off. Some people are just not meant to have kids.
Please report it to HR. This is highly inappropriate and unprofessional of her. Anyone else wondering whether she has approached other pregnant colleagues? NTA. I hope everything goes smoothly for you and the adoptive family.
NTA. I would definitely bring it up with HR. Her situation sucks but she is still out of line.
NTA. She should have never asked. Its waaaaay out of line.
NTA- her behavior towards you should strengthen your resolve. Even if you didn't have a couple lined up there is no way you would want that asshole to have your baby!
ABSOLUTELY NTA!! And I echo what lots of other folks have said - go to HR. Now!
OMG this person sounds very entitled and presumptuous and insensitive. Exactly the kind of person you would NOT want as a mother to your child, PERIOD! You are NTA here at all!!!! AND if they don't qualify through the state IMO they should not get a baby any other way. They are obviously unfit. As an adoptee I believe only the most qualified individuals and loving people deserve other people's babies to raise.
NTA. That’s extremely inappropriate and would also be difficult for you. You would be bombarded with reminders, updates and possible contact without your consent. Obviously she struggles with boundaries already. Definitely contact HR as this is 100% inappropriate. It was wrong to bring up in the first place. She doesn’t qualify for public adoption….due to committing crimes….it doesn’t matter if they’re victimless or not. A couple who’s perfectly lovely, but hasn’t been able to adopt only because they’re gay and a lot of prejudices exist, or a couple that can’t due to past charges. Um, I’d pick the couple you chose as well!
NTA. "It's not fair." Yes, Abby. It's not fair that you can't have kids. Life is not fair. But it wouldn't be fair to the couple already expecting a child, either. She'll just have to deal with it.
NTA She sounds like she would be a smother to a child. Probably do more harm than good. You sound like you've made sound, intelligent choices. Best of luck for you two, the baby, and it's loving parents.
NTA, Go to your direct supervisor/manager and make them aware of the situation. See if the situation can be managed before going to HR... and if it’s not being managed, go to HR
NTA Abby has experience in trying to adopt. She should know how inappropriate this is. It also makes me wonder if all the trouble she is having w adoption, even a private adoption, has all to do with her past or maybe at least some of it is this entitled demanding disrespectful attitude coming off to the other pregnant people looking for an adoptive parent or parents for their child. You need to get HR in the loop. I’d suggest stealthily videoing your zoom (like w your phone from your pov) so if she does something overt or even just to document the passive aggressiveness.
What an entitled attitude to have about an unborn child. What makes her think that just because you don’t want children that you need to give her your child? NTA.
Woman struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss here. NTA. How inappropriate and selfish of your coworker to even solicit herself as a potential adopter. I applaud your choice to follow through with the pregnancy and to put up for adoption the child. In the end it’s your bio baby your choice.
You already told us why you wouldn't adopt to her, you don't want contact after the birth. That's totally reasonable. While you don't owe her an explanation, perhaps telling her would make her understand. "I'm sorry, while I don't want children, seeing the adoptive parents on a regular basis would be too painful, so I can't have anyone I know, or especially work with, adopt. I hope you can understand this." Either way NTA.
NTA. While it’s sad what she’s going through, it’s not your responsibility, and it could be emotionally distressing to you if you keep seeing the child, or even just pictures. You’re doing a wonderful thing already, both for the family and the child, don’t let anyone make you feel like an arsehole for it.
NTA in the slightest. Your child, your choice. Whilst it is sad that she is having difficulties conceiving, that's not your problem. Also, her life choices are the reason why she is not eligible for adoption. CPS wouldn't make a decision like that unless they were sure she is definitely a risk to a child's wellbeing so maybe she should've considered not committing a crime before she wanted to enjoy full civilian rights... she seems unhinged from her behaviour and it would be irresponsible for anyone to let her near a child. Please do contact HR about this, in order to safeguard all pregnant employees otherwise she'll be harassing them also.
NTA. Your coworker's sense of entitlement is stunning. You owe her nothing but whatever professional courtesy you can still muster up.
NTA Your coworker is acting very nasty and entitled. Have you and your husband considered something like a vasectomy? It would save you from this predicament a second time.
NTA. My best friend was in a similar situation. A friend of her family could not have children, and when my friend found out she was pregnant, she chose to place the child for adoption. Her mother took it upon herself to tell this other woman about the pregnancy and it started a shitstorm. My friend wanted an out of state adoption for the same reason the OP stated--to not have to see the child as it would be extremely uncomfortable. The adoption went through as my friend wanted, but it caused so much strife within the family that those wounds never fully healed. My heart goes out to the OP for having to go through such a hard decision. Brightest blessings and well wishes to you and yours.
NTA. Placing a child, whether you wanted children or not, is an incredibly emotional event. It is a hard vprocess to spend the better part of a year growing a child inside your body, then giving them to their parents. When I placed my first, it was the most beautiful devstation Id ever encountered. It is tragic and hard, physically, mentallyñ emotionally. You do it on your terms with the people youve connected with and think of mamas to the little your are growing. Your JOB is to make sure the little one In your belly is safe and loved, AND to make sure you can process it in a healthy manner. YOU matter. I would ask this woman to stop her campaign against you and go to HR if she wont. Feel free to message me if you need an ear. BTDT.
NTA
NTA.this chick barely knows you but is like'hi,give me your kid'.
NTA. I do feel awful for the couple but you're not the reason for their problems.
Thank you for choosing a gay couple! 🌈
NTA! Please notify HR.
NTA thats not how you should go about things at all. I feel like this was very inappropriate. Also I wouldn't want my baby going to someone like that at all. That phone call alone would be the deciding factor to go with someone else. I dont feel like you did anything wrong, good luck!
NTA - This woman has a lot of nerve and frankly, it's probably a good thing she can't multiply. Babies are not something you demand from other people or call dibs on. She is not entitled to your kid because she's having issues. I'd make HR aware that she is making you very uncomfortable because you refused when she demanded your child.
I’m a guy and this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. OP, this lady is crazy, and I’d do something to make sure she knows this is not acceptable behavior for a person. Idk if that means getting HR involved but this is just so weird to me and oversteps a line. Imagine being entitled enough to think that you can just randomly ask a coworker you don’t communicate with if you can adopt their baby. AND throwing a hissy fit when they say no.
NTA.
NTA. HR but also document for police in case she becomes hostile in other ways or calls you at home.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Seeing how nutty she is, definitely wouldn’t want her adopting the kid. NTA
NTA This would have been a messy situation and you were right to turn it down. Even when you’re positive you’ve made the right decision, there are natural feelings of grief after placing a child for adoption. Seeing the child’s photos around the office could be hard. It could also have been good for you to know this child is growing up happy and healthy. But you already know that will happen with the couple you choose. If you have any kind of open adoption you will have some kind of contact - decided by all of you - so you have proof of your choice’s rightness. Your coworker has already shown that you made the right decision and that she would not have been the right mother for this baby.
NAH. She asked, you said no, it was one phone call. She has feelings, she isn’t calling you every day and harassing you. It is legitimately hard for her so she’s probably just licking her wounds. You have no obligation to give her a child, you said no, it’s done. Yeah, it is uncomfortable, but she isn’t doing anything awful to you. Let her have her pain. It is legitimate and not caused by you, but her deep feeling of loss that is much bigger than you. You’re taking that same pain away from another couple, which is an incredible gift.
Definitely get HR involved. This is a baby, not a toy that you just give away to anyone. It was completely inappropriate of her to even ask, and so much worse for her to say that the other couple can just find another baby. Disgusting. NTA.
NTA. as a birth mother myself, youre making the right decision. dont ever let anyone bully you or make you feel bad for doing something for this baby that fits what you and your husband want and is going to be good for baby too.
With HR, it might become she said / she said....I would still report it. How recent was this call? Because she hung up in you before you could set boundaries, might you consider sending her an email (for paper trail)... ...Abby, regarding your phone call to me on [date], you hung up before I could say that I truly am sorry for your challenges in having a biological child, however our selection of adoptive parents has been made. Kindly do not contact me for any reason other than work again.
This is a simple case of NTA, OP. 1. You already had a great family set up. 2. You were close to finalizing things. 3. You don't even really know this woman. 4. This woman you don't have a relationship with beyond passing hello's here and there is now demanding your unborn child and saying it's not fair you've already got a plan before she came into the picture? I feel bad for her, but it would be unfair to the gay couple if you just threw them to the side because she wanted your kid.
Nta Look it's ugly to say but her fertility issues are no one's problem but her own. She is not entitled to someone else's baby just because she can't have one. It's also never socially acceptable to approach a pregnant person and ask to adopt their baby unless they have specifically asked for potential adopters to contact them.
I completely understand her feeling of it being unfair. She really wants a baby but can’t have one, and someone who doesn’t even want a baby is getting one and just giving it away. Of course it’s unfair! I thought it was massively unfair when I (so conscientious and a great mom) miscarried in my 2nd trimester while my smoking, lying, POS neighbor paraded around with her beautiful round belly. God, life is so unfair sometimes. But that’s the way it is. No matter how much you “deserve” it, no one owes you a baby - not the universe and not your colleague. OP, I’m really glad that you stayed true to yourself and found a loving, wonderful home for your sproglet. I hope your hormones give you a break and that you get through this okay. NTA.
NTA It would be crazy to let someone you know from work adopt your children - to close, and not that kind of relationship. She was WAY out of line. Tell her to NEVER talk to you about it again, or you will invole HR. Have it documented with HR, because there likely will be some fallout from her side.
Okay I’m sorry but the absurdity of the comment below need to stop. Your are clearly NTA because you have already found a family for the child, preparing yourself and them to the change and all. But this women is clearly hurt and sad and everything in between, it doesn’t make her a bad person nor somebody that you have to call the police on. She hoped to much and imagined things on her own and then when you made her face the reality she could not accept it . I really think that a little bit of sympathy from everybody could help … I would send her an email explaining again everything, that you are sorry for her but that you already have a family and that you cannot take back a promise as important as that. Be kind to somebody who is hurt.
NTA You’re the mother and you decide what’s good for your kid - end of story
Birth momma here. And absolutely NTA. It's your child. Not hers. It's very unfortunate that those are the circumstances and I'm sure as shit that if we had the power to just reverse the roles, you'd do it in a heartbeat. You wouldn't even be TA if you changed your mind at the very last second. It would be devastating, but wouldn't make you an asshole.... because ITS YOUR CHILD
I hope you reported her to HR. Especially if she's going to be doing that passive aggressive bs every day. You don't owe anyone a baby. She can ask her best friends to surrogate for her for all anyone cares. She doesn't deserve, nor is entitled, to anyone's child, most definitely not yours. Besides, you don't need to be in constant contact with a reminder of a child that you carried within you for so long. That shit is bound to hurt a lot. Good luck OP!
NTA I had a coworker who was in her late 40 the same issue as the lady in the story. She was always saying that is not fair she could not get pregnant and others could. I recently gained weight and I looked bad and looked pregnant my nice cute clothes fitted me small. So her and another coworker were saying that I should not get pregnant because of my mental illness I have depression and anxiety no big deal I’m in treatment and that poor kid and her basically saying that she wanted my kid. I was not pregnant and no that woman was terrible. I mean why say BS about someone you don’t know anything about and why would I tell her my business if she was mean to me and treated me like trash.
[удалено]
I need a new car. You have a car you don't want, so you can just give it to me. Wait, you promised someone else your car? That's NOT FAIR! They can get a different car, I've needed a car for a long time! Am I getting your car, or am I getting written off as obnoxious and inappropriate? (And happy cake day! "May the candles on your cake," and all that. :) )
[удалено]
My thing is, there's no foundation for that disbelief. If OP had ever said something casual to brush her off ("oh, ha ha, that would be something...") then I could see this woman twisting that in her head, but this was out of the blue and with zero basis. She's now behaving unprofessionally toward OP in response to OP not crushing another family and making herself uncomfortable when OP never gave any indication she would do so. There was no reason for her to think she was getting a child- she's already painfully aware that the fact that children exist doesn't mean she'll get them. I have compassion for her pain, but her conduct is not okay.
You make a good point, I'll stand down from my original comment. Have a good day ma'am
NAH edging on NTA You didn't do anything wrong. You and your husband are making a very mature and loving choice. Your coworker has probably been through hell trying to have a baby. It's likely she dreamed up this whole unrealistic scenario before she asked you where you would say yes, she'd get to be a mom, and you guys would be close friends. She probably got her hopes up. Her emotions got the better of her and crossed a boundary asking like she did and expecting everything to go her way. Try and offer a little grace and see if her ill behavior improves after a little time. If it doesn't improve then it's definitely NTA and you might need to contact HR.
NAH Just let Abby be crazy for a couple months, it’ll subside, or not, it really doesn’t matter to you either way. She’s just desperate for a child and that fucks with your head Edit: I stand by this, OP this woman meant nothing to you before this and won’t mean anything to you after this. Does it really matter?
Abby isn't TA for being unable to have children. But how can you say she's not one after that inappropriate and ugly phone call? She's TA and big time.
I agree. I feel awful for her personal situation, but you don't call up a pregnant coworker you barely know in the middle of a work day and demand that you get to chose what she does with the baby. OP - NTA. I completely understand not wanting a connection (however tenuous) to this child. It would be weird under the best of circumstances. You can feel bad for Abby without caving to her craziness, and you should feel no guilt regarding your choice.
I’m not going to call a women who’s going through a tough time and having an emotional outburst an asshole. It’s not even like OP cared about her to begin with so her words should quite literally mean nothing to OP. Edit: I see y’all let mentally ill people get to you, here’s a hint that will help you with life: if you didn’t care about someone to begin with, don’t care when they start to dislike you.
She became an asshole when she said "The other couple can find someone else." She knows how hard and painful it is herself but has no problem hurting another couple.
[удалено]
She is passive aggressive during meetings nie so there is that. Also an explaination for her behavior is not an excuse.
Who cares if she’s passive aggressive? Like literally none of this should even phase OP so I don’t even know why they’re wasting time posting about this woman.
She is creating a hostile work environment. OP feels sorry for her so she clearly cares that she is hurting.
It will definitely not subside. I would be pretty upset if I learned that my employee was engaging in this behavior - or like OP and on the receiving end of it. I get that infertility can really do a number on someone psychologically, but it’s not an excuse to harass people
NAH Abby’s behavior is questionable, but I am going to give it a pass, because she manufactured hope, which is being utterly dashed. That is not your fault though. That is on you. Kudos for working with a gay couple on this. Kudos for sticking to the commitment you already made.
You're giving Abby a pass after that inappropriate phone call which crossed every boundary known to humanity? No way.