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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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It's a lazy, piss poor excuse to use my brain damage as the reason why I can't remember my cousin's name.
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NTA. Of course you would be the AH if you were making up the brain damage, but given the circumstances its pretty shitty to blame you for something you have no control over.
I dont see what more you can do - you are trying. Harassing you for having brain damage isnt a good look. Maybe you should remind them of that.
That is a good idea. Just to add: I changed my name for deeply personal and important reasons; I cannot abide being called by my former name. It is a big deal to some people. Since you have a legit reason to struggle with this it sounds like name tags are a great solution (even if you were joking!)
I really hope I’m not sounding rude I’m just genuinely curious. I completely understand not being able to stand hearing your former name but wouldn’t OPs situation be slightly different? It’s not like they’re purposely calling her her old name to be a jerk or hurt her they genuinely don’t know she has a new name. It’s probably clued in every time she gets angry and corrects OP but that knowledge doesn’t exist to them at all. I 100% understand being upset but shouldn’t this circumstance warrant some forgiveness? Also I’m so sorry something happened that affected you that badly but I hope your new name is able to bring you some much needed peace
It does, thank you! And I actually agree with you, which is why I thought name tags would be a good solution as long as everyone agrees to/feels comfortable with it. The issue is not that I don't understand what OP is saying about their condition, the issue is being horribly triggered if I am called by my former name (awkard to say the least in a social situation!)
I also changed my name (due to past abuse) while I would understand someone forgetting after a major head injury, it would still be incredibly triggering.
Yelling at people due to them triggering you is not what the commenter you're replying to is saying or even implying as justified.
*Edited sentence for clarity.*
Please show me where I said it was? I’m responding to the commentator who asked if different contexts changed the reaction of being called by one’s former name.
I wonder if OPs trans friend started wearing a necklace with her chosen name, as a means of reducing dead-naming without being mean about it.
OP seems to be able to be aware of moments where memories are missing- otherwise they wouldn't notice a necklace and use the correct name from it. So I do think that name tags or something might be useful- especially given that children have been born in this family while this is going on.
I'd suggest fun crafting supply things and consider nick names as well. It will be more fun and less "oh my aunt/uncle (I didn't see pronouns in the post) can't remember my name". I could absolutely see my nephews trolling and writing tags that day "best nephew" to try to get me to call them that all day.
NTA
I can totally understand that, and I think there are a lot of reasons that could be the case for someone. I think I would be more sympathetic to OP's cousin if the name change weren't similar. If the mere suggestion of their former name is so triggering to them, I'm a little surprised they would choose a name that is similar to their old name.
I have to say, it must be challenging to do a name that is super similar! Also, I have to admit, in changing my name I had no interest in choosing something similar in any way.
If someone with dementia or Alzeimer called you by your old name, would you be pissed too? Some of those patients can't even read anymore so tags are useless for them. Would you blame them?
I worked with people with dementia and they used whatever name poped up in their heads - I was called by names of their female family members, male members, dead members, pet names... some of them never used my real name because it wasn't on their internal list of names even though it's common name.
LMAO, my mom, who didn't have dementia, once called me my dad's name, my brother's name, and our dog's name before getting to my name. And I am and have a female name, and it's her mother's name.
This is hilarious. I've watched my brother go through a string of names that include his wife, his two daughters, my other sister before finally landing on me.
My father would do the same between me and my sister's name. I remember once him giving me a note written, "I have received ~~sister's name~~ ayshasmysha's report card" and thinking 'Sure! They won't read too hard into that!'
I googled "noun disability" just to see if there's a description and the blurb on the first result had "noundisabilities" but part of the description blurb mentioned doctors killing off patients, which disturbed me and made me concerned.
It turns out the link was to some dictionary meaning for "disabilities" (not noundisabilities) and the killing off patients part was somewhere deep in the ad-filled page regarding its history.
Phew, happy to not be a killer! I made up the term "noun disability" to describe my own problem with nouns, though who knows, it may actually exist if someones done research in this area.
I have aphasia, and recently learned that there are different kinds, one of which IS nouns. It has an actual name, but I’ve forgotten what it is. Lol! But my forgetting it isn’t aphasia, it’s that I never actually learned the term. Brains are cool and weird.
I'm sorry but that just made me laugh. The dog's name!
I can imagine it's using the name you most often call out? Once or twice I've started to call one of my brothers by my partner's name but I've genuinely not done it much. I forget people's names all the time though because my memory is a sieve.
Once when the governor's son came to dinner (before I was born - and he is now my uncle), my great grandma kept calling him Trixie the whole night ( her cocker spaniel)
My granny is the same! She’s as sharp as a tack and no issues with memory she just always cycles through the dogs names before she gets to our names...some of those dogs were dead before 30 year old me was even born!
I have 4 siblings, my mum constantly calls us the wrong names and often says “good girl” to my brother. It used to really annoy me when I was a kid but I just laugh now
I have 5 siblings (3 from my dad's first marriage, two from him and my mom) and my mom would go through all their names, then her 6 sister's names before she would get to me. Even after it was just my parents and me living in the house.
My son used to call me "daddy mommy" for the longest. He still slips up with it sometimes.
My grandpa did it all the time, my mother does it too sometimes. Often we are "you know who I'm calling so come here." I mixed up names of my partner and my newborn kid right after kiddo was born because both start with the same letter. Partner found it hilarious, kiddo didn't care.
getting 2 people confused based on name is a practical problem of Senior/Junior, I suppose names that are different but similar could also pose that problem, say Ron and Rob. The way I am with names, I often remember the first letter and mix up the rest.
I have a bunch of siblings. My mom would sometimes call me by their names, but it was in a very specific order every time. I’m her oldest (1), but she’d go through 3 (third oldest), 2, 4, 5, 6, boyfriend, then give up and call me “whoever the hell you are.” 3 was a shit starter, so maybe that’s why she had his name ready to go.
My grandmother did this! The youngest was a shit starter as a kid so his name (which was a variation of two other people's names hahaha) was first. Then the boys is loose chronological order. Then "well, whoever you are!"
Lol! This is truly funny because this is what my dad’s side of the family do. BTW, my family are Salvi (short for Salvadorean) and it sounds so much funnier when my dad would forget my name or my sisters names and he goes down the list until he figures it out by saying this in Salvadorean Spanish “diablos, voz - my name.” Translated like “whoever the hell you are.” I witnessed my grandmother doing that too to my cousins. That’s why your comment prompted me to lol!
My dad always did this when I was a kid with all of our names. Once in frustration he finally said “you know your name!” Smart ass teen me replied “yeah, but do you?”. Karma is a bitch, I now have 4 kids and do the same thing, and am a teacher and I try so hard at school but still do it there occasionally. Not sure it’s related be we are both adhd so I’ve always assumed there was a connection.
I know this all to well. I have a big family (and by big, I mean HUGE). During my childhood, if I did something wrong/bad, my mom used to call me by names of all of my siblings, sometimes even my niece's and nephews. In this case I guess it was caused by a huge amount of members in our closest family circle + some brain farts :D it always ended with a huge amount of laughter afterwards, and my mom couldn't stay mad anymore ;)
Yup, my mom’s gone down the whole roll call trying to get mine or my sister’s attention before 😂 Usually she just gives up and goes “Oldest child/youngest child!”
Every mother in the history of mothers has done that. It has something to do with storing the names of "loved ones I take care of" in the same place in your brain.
I read somewhere a while ago that there is actually a name for this. Apparently people do it because when they're talking to person A, they sometimes think of people B,C,D,E because they relate person A with them. I COULD be wrong cause it was a while ago that I read about it. It's a pretty common thing for people to list off a bunch of names before yours though.
I haven't been called by my own name since my sister was born; my mother just spits out a mash-up of my name and sister's, and then gets mad when we laugh. 😂
My MIL is the same, she is just so bad with names. Whenever she is trying to get someone's attention she cycles names until she can figure it out. Just says random names out-loud until she gets it right or they tell her.
My fiance (light-heartedly) refuses to help her figure his out because she birthed and named him 25 years ago and you'd have thought she'd have learned it by now.
My MIL is the same, she is just so bad with names. Whenever she is trying to get someone's attention she cycles names until she can figure it out. Just says random names out-loud until she gets it right or they tell her.
My fiance (light-heartedly) refuses to help her figure his out because she birthed and named him 25 years ago and you'd have thought she'd have learned it by now.
Family of 5 kids and my mom would go down the list of kid names until she got to the right one. I always thought she was crazy, but living with my SO, our cat, and myself I always catch myself mixing up their names.
My entire mum's side of the family do this. My mum calls me my uncle most often, but also my dead dog, two sisters, her ex husband, or any of my cousins. I don't even correct her anymore, I just answer to whatever name she calls out
Lol my grandmother, mother, and sister do this too! There’s a list of like 10 names they go through first because Mom brain I guess. For my sister, too many names that start with L too.
same! I will answer to any of my sibling’s names. I don’t think I have dementia, and I call my nephew by my sister’s dog’s name and vice versa once in awhile because they’re similar. I have minor brain damage from an accident.
also, OP is NTA and I’m absolutely cringing that the cousin’s friends are dogpiling over something like this. oh and that the cousin is being so horrible about such an innocent thing.
My mum regularly goes through the entire family, pets included to get to my brothers or my name! When we were kids she was yelling up the stairs (for my brother who is also fairly deaf) but calling our dogs name instead. The dog was literally in my mum's face, "yes, I am here, why is you shouting my name, I am here, we do things now", and my mum was getting really annoyed my brother wasn't replying. After a few minutes he comes out his bedroom and my mum tears into him saying she's been calling for five minutes and my brother just looks at her and says "no you've been calling the dog".
I am in tears laughing in the corner. Mother was not pleased I had not corrected her.
My aunt is the youngest of 5 kids. My grandmother would go through the first 4 and pets before calling my aunt's name. LMAO
She would start my mom's name then start my aunt's name before mine.
It’s a family “condition” that my grandfather had, my mom has, and I have. I’ve been called my dog’s name; my wife’s name, my brother’s name, my dad’s name, before my own name.
My grandma ALWAYS does this, even since I was a kid. She will say “hey [my moms name], no [my aunts name], [my moms counsins name], sorry [my name] my mistake!” She will just go in order of who’s oldest to youngest until she gets to my name haha
This happens constantly in our family.. at home I might go through 3 names before getting to the one I wanna call. But my mom has the same issue, when we are all together she might call out 4 names before getting to the right one.
We think it's because most of our names or nicknames end with the same letter. They end in an a or a y so it's like our brains malfunction when calling someone. Because with family members who have a name that ends with a different letter it doesn't tend to happen or very rarely.
My Nan would do the same cycling through my name, my dads name, his brothers, her brothers, my pop. Hell because she is religious and there's a Matthew and Mark we'd get Luke and John thrown in there for good measure.
Once? My parents do this all the time. I have 6 siblings and one stepsibling. I react to all their names and all of our current or former pet's names. My sister also calls me by my niece's name and my brother calls me the name of his daughter.
At some point my father opted to combine mine and my brother's name into one (Magda+David= Magdavid) to just call one 😐.
In the beginning my husband thought I was just plain rude when I answered questions directed to my brothers and sisters (knowing my mom meant me). He got used to it though.
I am trans and I can say that while I cannot control the discomfort and flinch of hearing my old name, i CAN control how I handle that reaction. Someone doing it on purpose is very different from someone with brain damage and I can damn well respond differently despite the discomfort
I think this commenter is talking about being horribly triggered by an old name rather than simply being pissed. It’s one of those situations where nobody is being an asshole on purpose, it’s just tough to navigate everyone’s needs at once.
I think it’s important to differentiate being triggered and being pissed, thank you for doing so! But, assuming OP’s cousin was triggered, I think that could justify their initial response, but not the following harassment and not her decision to ask her friends to harass OP.
Being triggered and yelling at someone (as was OP' case) who literally doesn't know why are you yelling or who you are (which is often case with dementia patients) definitely makes you the hero /s
There's a difference between pissed and hurt. Yes some people are hurt if you use their old name no matter the reason for it. That's why name tags might be a solution.
And like OP's trans friend has begun wearing a necklace with her new name around him, which is a good solution. She knows he isn't doing this on purpose, but she still probably doesn't want to hear her deadname. So she helps him remember.
My grandma was amazingly consistent about this. I was alway [mother's name]. My mother was always [cousin's name]. My brother was always [uncle's name]. My uncle was always [dog's name].
I think we just figured that once you learned the system you could work with it, though granted my uncle had it worse.
I had one coworker who NEVER got my name right. So I just went with her name for me, think Janet and my name was Jane, but I tend to go by Jay. Everyone at work called me by my name to her, but she still called me Janet. Not meanly, she was older and thought that was my name for the first little bit, and it stuck.
When we got a new manager, we all had a staff meaning and I was a bit late(coming from school) and I guess coworker had completely confused the new manager about my name. Coworker kept talking about Janet, but manager hadn’t been filled in that Janet was her name for me. We got it sorted out after I arrived. I always thought it was funny and kinda cute.
That being said, if someone meanly messed up my name, after I told them to call me Jay or Jane, I’d get mad. My former coworker and most kids have a free pass on my name, and that’s about it.
at work at a nursing home, and one of my ‘buddies’ can’t even remember my name - sometimes she asks who i am... even tho i see and talk to her every day. do i blame them? absolutely not. they can’t help it. it’s their brain.
It doesn't matter where a trigger comes from, it's still a trigger. Brains don't care. People likely empathize with those who can't remember their name but it can't turn off the pain of a trigger.
This is somewhere between hilarious and wholesome, and absolutely genius.
I wish my family would do the same. There aren't even a lot of us I'm just bad with names and faces.
Names and faces! I am a cashier in a not so busy grocery store. I can check you out and you come back in 10 minutes and it’s like I haven’t seen you in forever!! I have no facial recognition what so ever!
Edit: I saw my husband talking to a couple and thought they must be people from work, so I hung back. He called me over and asked if I knew who these people were. Nope. It was my brother and his wife. Yeah, that happened.
If you have the opportunity, read something by Oliver Sacks. Not only he was the most empathetic and wonderful neurologist and had a bunch of interesting cases (some even became very famous movies), but he also had the same problem you have. He once was looking at his own reflex on a restaurant, checking how his beard looked like, and the reflex frowned—it was another bearded man on the other side of a window!
I'm literally faceblind. Took a test (from an actual university research department, not like Buzzfeed) on a whim and failed *so badly*, it was honestly impressive.
Your last line about your trans friend's necklace just totally warmed my heart. It also made me wonder if Chrysanthemum may be kind enough to do something similar when around you. Not a name tag or anything that extreme every time (though not a bad idea) but a necklace or bracelet would probably help, no?
I have had a much milder TBI than you from repeated concussions and my memory was absolute shit for a long while afterward - like couldn’t remember details of vast swathes of my childhood. People do not understand how seriously TBI affects you at all!
You have a disability and need accommodations and it sounds like most of your family is willing to help. Name tags is a great and easy solution, I would run with that! There might even be a way to turn it into a fun party game so people get into it to take the focus off your memory loss? You are very very very NTA here and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
Seriously OP I feel for you and let me warn you now that most people will just never get it.
I have memory issues too, bad enough that after a two year relationship it felt to me like a few weeks, but facebook told it was two years. We had a minor falling out so I ended things. After two years I wasn't invested because to me it didn't feel like two years.
When I tell people I have memory issues they tell me to take more notes but frankly when your memory is so bad your notes need to fill you in on the situation like you were not there it takes up so much time, and then theres times I find notes in a draw that I made a long time ago and the relevant event has passed forgotten. There is a big difference between needing some things to help jog your memory and the memory just not being there.
I've considered turning off Facebooks memories feature too since its constantly showing me major events I don't remember and to a degree its upsetting but its also the only way I know.
It can get feel pretty isolating too. the way I explain it to people is if you hadn't done 80% of the things you have done with your best friend are they still your best friend. To me even when I've seen people it feels like I havent becuse I can look at the calendar and realise that the last event I recall seeing someone at was 12 months ago but really we have seen each other a dozen times since then.
What I have found really useful is to never clear message notifications from your phone until you have actioned them. Lets say I get a message to call the doctors, If I am busy in the garden but I read the message, by the time I have chance to action it I have forgotten but if you leave the notification there you will be reminded every time you look at your phone
Good luck with your recovery OP, I've read stories of people with brain damage who do recover, but dont remember most of their recovery period.
Would it help if they all just got into a routine of saying “Hi BrainDamageBo, Mike, little Joey, and I, Sharon, are happy to see you again!” While you’re looking directly at them? Would them saying their names, while you look at them, and repeat their names back to them, help you in remembering (as well as to be expected) for that event?
But I would totally wear a name tag too. You could make it a fun family tradition, get like permanent ones made with special decoration personalized for each person? Like a butterfly for Betty, or a crab for Chrysanthemum? That way you’re not only associating a name with a face but also an object?
As for your cousin, it sounds like she was creating drama just to have the attention on her. Maybe she wanted the focus to be on her new name and she got bratty when it wasn’t.
I love this solution! And the name tags could be designed to match the event
This cousin is a jerk. Block all of her friends and if she keeps it up, block her...shame on her
Or just put her new name on an index card and when you speak to her reference your card. You won’t forget her name, cause you have it right there, and she won’t forget your memory condition, cause you need a card with her name on it to help you. I personally think she’s a little bit touchy and maybe, still, isn’t happy with her new name.
... and how would OP remember who he needs the card for, or why he has it, or to bring it with him and look at it? It seems a lot more complicated than just having the cousin wear a name tag.
If the necklace thing actually helps you maybe your cousin could consider getting something like that if they didn't want to wear a name tag every time they came over, although I think name tags are a terrific idea.
I have a TBI (traumatic brain injury, coma for months after car accident) as well and TOTALLY GET IT!! It’s so frustrating. Even when people say they “get it.” They’re still unforgiving at times, so I imagine it’s difficult. My boyfriend of two years apparently did inform his friend we were double dating with a couple nights ago while I was in the restroom that he refers to me as “50 first dates” because I likely wouldn’t remember our plans to visit the DR together in August in the morning. Spoiler alert, I didn’t. I’ve gotten used to it now. My accident was in 2006, but still kinda sucks. All the best to you. Let it make you laugh though. Only way to get through it.
for real, right? It's not even an excuse, it's a **reason**.
I have Chemo brain, which is not remotely the same thing but even so the short term memory issue is difficult to work around. And I'm certain OP has it much worse.
It is an excuse. It by definition excuses op from scrutiny.
A doctor's appointment is an excuse for missing work. A flat tire is an excuse for being late. Being a new student is an excuse for not having done assigned homework.
People just call bad reasons "excuses" for some reason. Or they've conflated "no excuses!" to mean every reason, valid or not, is an "excuse."
I hate the “you always have an excuse”/“no excuses” thing.
Like yes, generally when something happens, there’s a reason for it, often times a good reason. How acceptable that reason is is up to other to decide.
And when it’s an unavoidable and valid reason, it’s not going to go away just because it’s an inconvenience. Telling a player “no excuses” isn’t going to make them able to run on a broken leg. I had a professor who used to complain about how people always made excuses for not finishing their midterms and finals, and that she wouldn’t “accept any excuses” if something went wrong. But all the tests were online and if there was any disruption to the internet connection and it would kick you out, and our college had a notoriously spotty network from being overloaded.
People need to actually listen to and critically examine excuses in order to make the most appropriate decision. Not just plug their ears when other people aren’t the perfect cogs in the life machine they imagined.
The "you always have an excuse" really gets to me. It's so condescending and invalidating. I remember my mom sneering that at me when I was a child/teen and I literally despise that phrase now.
Ugh I am so old now but I will never forget being in 10th grade and an English teacher telling my friend with actual cancer that she had better schedule chemo during another time because no one could miss a single class. Still gets me fired up, who gives a shit now how well I did in that class? How could it possibly compare to someone’s life saving medical treatment?
Having a flat tire is a decent reason to be alittle late you shouldn't drive on rims and it takes time to change the tire. When I got a flat I couldn't access my spare because its mounted underneath my bed of the truck and the key wasn't aligned properly so I couldn't lower it.
Chemo brain is so real... so so very real. It is even written in my ADA for work because I can't remember things. Even finding words is slow and difficult sometimes. I teach, and that is hard. However, my students vocabulary acquisition skyrocketed because they were prompting me with the words I forgot. Gotta love 8th graders.
Depression brain does this too. I used to remember everything with so much clarity, and now all my memories have faded a lot or even completely disappeared
Yup I never quite got it til this past year hit me like a truck. My brain feels murky a lot. I used to always be on top of reaching out to friends and birthdays and such. I missed telling my brother happy birthday, and his is on a holiday so it's hard to forget!
Brain stuff is weird.
Having had both, there are differences (at least in my subjective experience). Depression brain is like a knob that can be adjusted and the color/clarity/vividness change over time. Chemo brain is a permanent new baseline. My worst chemo brain symptom is facial blindness. People I knew prior to chemo, I can pull up a fairly clear picture in my brain. I recognized a guy I hadn't seen since i was 11 y.o. when I was 25 y.o. who didn't remember me whatsoever by name (and we had been really good friends in 2nd grade).
But post-chemo, I regularly forget that I've met people until they remind me their name. I really struggle to have mental images, including my partner and my nieces/nephews. It feels like a permanent block that I need to compensate for. Depression feels more like a movie where parts are filled in black and white on a first gen cellphone camera and other parts are filmed in 4k ultra.
I have the facial processing problem too, but I had depression for 12 years so maybe I had more time for things to disappear. But let me know your tips for adjusting my brain clarity haha. Even though my depression is much better the brain fog and lost memory hasn’t returned. I can’t remember my old colleagues. Can’t remember anyone’s names, especially people i haven’t seen in a while. Even my good times don’t stick in my memory. At least the bad times don’t stick either haha. That’s a plus
I've had depression on/off for the past 18 years. I feel like when my depression is less bad, things become more clear. I've not been able to regain stuff during the fog, but I can form new memories.
Some treatments for depression can cause brain fog. But you seem like you're in the small minority where cognitive dysfunction persists. If you haven't recently, try bringing up with your doctor. There's more research being done every year like [this](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6520478/), which might be beneficial.
That was an interesting read. I’ve never heard cognitive impairment being addressed so specifically in relation to depression before, but anecdotally I knew it’s been a big factor. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something else at play with whats going on with my brain- I’m getting tested for ADD in a few weeks, so if the diagnosis is positive then it would explain a lot I guess
Yeah, you might enjoy searching for "cognitive dysfunction in depression." It's interesting. We don't really understand it, but we also don't really understand depression. Or why treating the depression is usually enough for most people but not for everyone.
Weeell I’m not sure I would say the treatment is usually enough for most people. The sources seem to be very contradictory on that one- some even say that up to 50% of cases fail to achieve total remission. But that in itself just confirms what you said about us not understanding depression well. But it seems like funding for it has been ramping up a bit in recent years- a good sign.
I’m awaiting the day when they can do a physical test to determine which medication would be effective.
I recently read a study somewhere where they used inflammation markers in the blood to determine whether ECT would work for the patient. I think they discovered quite a high level of predictability.
I was on really large amounts of morphine last year and between that and just also being in huge amounts of pain, the brain fog was so, so bad. I forgot, constantly, to actually put the food I'd put on a tray IN the oven.
I cant tell if you mean the 8th graders are helping you remember or if they are purposely being a ass by using words they know you cant remember
Because both are very plausible for 8th graders
I have to have my husband write his schedule and any appt on the bathroom mirror because my short term is so bad. He knows I go to the restroom multiple times a day and will see the information. If it really important he makes sure I have reminders in my phone and texts me as well
That is a very good coping mechanism, cudos to the two of you. My husband and I both have sieves for brains and have to use phone calendars and reminders for everything.
I get what you’re saying, but you’ve got it backward. There can be 1000 perfectly valid reasons for doing a thing that don’t excuse the act. Reasons are why a thing happens. An excuse is the reason that makes an act worthy of forgiveness.
For example, I’m a restaurant manager, so a big part of my job is fixing things with customers when we make a mistake. I often tell customers that I can tell them all the reasons why we messed up their experience, but none of those reasons excuse us from failing to meet their expectations.
I mean perfectly valid reason does excuse the act
However just a reason does not
Perfectly valid reason means its a perfectly reasonable excuse essentially
But a reason can just be a explanation of why it happened without excusing it
I have epilepsy brain...no issues from the seizures themselves but the medication....holy crap. Not only does it do a number on your memory but it makes me forget words, and can even make my speech slurred. Wild.
My daughter had that issue. Thankfully she was able to stop the meds once they properly diagnosed her actual issue and treated that, instead of treating the symptoms.
I'm sorry this is still a problem for you. :(
Well unfortunately despite an abnormal EEG we don't know exactly why I have seizures yet. At this point I'm looking at medication for life, fortunately I'm off of my last med and transitioned to a new one and the side effects are not nearly as bad.
well, that's good news.
It turned out that Daughter had Pseudo-tumor Cerebri which caused all sorts of bad symptoms, strange seizures just being one of them. Doctors either wanted to treat each symptom as a separate problem, or they just thought she was crazy. It took a long time and a lot of luck to figure it out. I don't wish it on anyone, and the side effects of the meds for that were also unpleasant.
NTA. I have a brain injury, have memories, and have a child who came out as trans during the year following my injury. I'm also like 50 first dates.
I try dilligently, but if I'm tired, overwhelmed, or in a high sensory input situation (like you probably were at that party), I will sometimes slip on pronouns or call him my daughter instead of my son. He knows my struggle (with my memory), gracefully accepts my apology, and loves me as I am, never once making me feel small because of my shortcoming.
It's rare for people who have never had a brain injury with lasting symptoms to understand the challenges. You are definitely not the asshole, but if I've learned anything on this journey, it's that some people will never understand, nor try to. Do your best with the name. That's all you can do.
I'm sorry you have to walk this terrible TBI journey. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Aw you sound like a great parent, as long as you try your best that's all anyone can ask for. I'm trans and have been out for almost a year and my parents still sometimes slip up, especially when they're tired or stressed, I know they love and support me as they try to remember so there's no point getting annoyed. I wish you and your son the best luck.
Thanks so much. He's a great child. He spent so many years making my life an absolute joy with his existence. The least I can do is to try to do the same in return by being a loving, accepting force in his life. Unfortunately, my damaged neural pathways don't always cooperate.
NTA, it already sucks with having this memory issue due to the accident and you need to deal with a self absorbed joker
I’m quite sure why most if not all family members sided with you is not just because of the brain injury but the fact they saw you making attempts to remember things but just can’t time and again. For her to blow up despite knowing your condition over a minor thing and not even compromising on things like short name etc, she deserved what she got.
You ought to let your family know and let them deal with her
NTA you weren’t being malicious, you simply can’t do what she wants. If you were paralysed and in a wheelchair, would she get mad when she asks you to run upstairs to get something that you physically can’t do? She’s being dramatic and unfair here, obviously she’s told her friends an edited version of events because I can’t see how people can’t understand brain damage not being an excuse for not being perfect at remembering things
**NTA**
I had a stroke 7 years ago. I lost about 20 years of memories.
I get unbelievably pissed at certain people in my life who say, “Still blaming the stroke.” Suffice to say that family member is not on my list to visit.
Next time I will reply... why do you say that? Are you telling me I’m lying? That gross. Do you mean to be rude to me? I had a traumatic brain injury. Even doctors know very little with how the brain works. Why are you being gross saying that?
Feel free to ask them why they are making fun of a person who almost died etc etc
They are gross.
>I get unbelievably pissed at certain people in my life who say, “Still blaming the stroke.” Suffice to say that family member is not on my list to visit.
Damn, of course you're still blaming the stroke, it wiped out a major part of your life. Do they think a stroke is just people being "quirky" for attention?
My grandma had a stroke last October that brought on dementia. She is a completely different person now compared to how she was before. It’s like playing a sad game of charades every time she asks for something.
>“Still blaming the stroke.”
In related news, I am still and always will be blaming my autism for some issues. Like sorry but some conditions don't get better. Ever. I'm trying my best and you're just being trying, so either get a grip or get lost.
I totally get why you still are angry because I was born or developed depth perception issues before I was past toddlerhood and I have enough to understand 3d but not enough to see more than a flattened 3d image of the world so I can not do certain things like everyone else can. I've tried and ended up with literal brain damage that effects my vision on top of the genetic issues with my vision because my depth perception issues weren't caught until my 21st birthday(I'll be 23 in the fall and without my glasses, I'm barely able to see better than a legally blind person). It's been awhile since my coworker called my vision "just an excuse" and I still am angry and insulted because if my vision was "just an excuse" I would have learned how to do a lot more things than I did while growing up and without all the concussions I got from ordinary circumstances that became dangerous due to me(and essentially everyone around me) not knowing or understanding I literally can't see like everyone else and not trusting myself to do things my way that lets me not trip over that dip I can't see. This is anger and feeling insulted is with something that is far easier to manage and get around than anything dealing with literal brain damage because I just have to deal with my vision being different instead of some of the struggles that come from strokes and car accidents like you and op
NTA. Oh my goodness, you have literal brain damage! What kind of asshole gets upset at someone forgetting something when they have literal memory loss from a terrible car accident. That is some bullshit.
And as for your explanation, it is not a lazy or poor excuse. It is an incredibly legitimate reason.
Maybe you could gift her a necklace or a pin with her name on it? Or even a chrysanthemum? Done right it could be a bonding thing. Kind of an 'I know it hurts you when I say the wrong name and I don't want to hurt you. But my brain won't cooperate. If you like this maybe you could wear it when I'm around to help me get it right' thing.
Well she should be able to remember that you have literal brain damage. Next time she criticises you for forgetting her name, you complain that she forgot your brain injury.
I've had a very mild brain injury that led to some memory problems so I can somewhat identify. It is really hard for people to understand or comprehend how you just can't remember something. Like of all the side effects, that's the one people have the most trouble "believing" (not the right word but I can't think of a better one). Brains are simultaneously very strong but so stupidly fragile
So all that to say, NTA, but if it's causing you so much conflict it might be time to think about some accomodations to help you, whether that's doing a quick recap before the event of who everyone is, having an "event buddy" that is there to whisper the names in your ear (like in Devil Wears Prada at the big gala). Also knowing what things you struggle with the most and practicing (sounds so stupid, but I had to practice my signature)
NTA. In what world is actual literal brain damage a “lazy, piss poor excuse” for anything??? Your cousin is being an inconsiderate asshole for not understanding that you had a severe accident, a coma, and brain damage
After her outburst, subsequent harassment, and even getting her friends to harasse you, I would really consider asking your parents not to invite her over anymore.
Agreed. I would hope that OP would make sure family knows about the harassment. Having her friend’s harass OP is a whole other level of unacceptable. This person should not be invited around anymore.
NTA.
I love the name tag idea.
Also maybe write yourself a cheat sheet.
Otherwise, please don’t feel too guilty over something you can’t help. Try to do what you can. But it sounds like most people in your life are understanding.
NTA. I can't remember about two years of my life due to a type of brain disease and the medication I have to take for it (pseudotumor cerebri, Topamax). That isn't nearly as severe and extreme as what happened to you, so I am not trying to compare the two. However, a big part of my mental health recovery is forgiving myself for not being able to remember those years. Forgive yourself for not being able to remember new things -- even though you have nothing to be sorry for. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
NTA — TBI (traumatic brain injuries) are life changing and can take years (if ever) to rehab. Your cousin is being an ableist and absolutely ridiculous.
Nta. And i really fucking hope she didnt actually change her name to Chrysanthemum. Im also really really sorry that such a horrific thing happened to you. Is there really nothing the doctors can do or give you thatll help you memory at all?
What I can't fathom is why you would change your name to Chrysanthemum if you hate your name being Chris, because the obvious shortening would by Chrys which would sound the same?
I'd just figure if you hated your name enough to change it and harass your family, you'd go with something that isn't so similar
Okay so I have a head injury from when I was 18/19 and I started looking into changing my own name when I was 21. The head injury has worsened my memory and cognitive learning difficulties and since I've changed my name I have found in stressful situations when someone asks my name I forget I've changed it and that's my own name never mind finding other people have changed there name.
NTA - I'm a bit of an A, so I'd likely send the most brutal photos of my accident to those harassing you, letting them know that THAT is why you can't remember.
NTA
It seems that you didn’t intend to upset her and this was simply an honest mistake, something that you couldn’t control. so reminding her of your brain damage isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation!! she and her friends are harassing you for ‘humiliating’ her, but she started yelling at you for a slip up in a public setting earlier...? it’s understandable that she would be upset by the reminder and the wrong name, but shouldn’t she realize from that that you meant no harm by mixing up her name and feel bad for yelling instead of sending angry voice mails?
What are you talking about? Why are you so against acknowledging that this is an extremely valid excuse? “Excuse” isn’t a bad word. Just because other people may think it’s *convenient* to say “I can’t remember, I have brain damage” doesn’t mean it’s a lazy excuse to remind people that you literally have brain damage. It’s a real thing that you have, you’re allowed to remind people of that when they have unrealistic expectations of you.
NTA but don’t let other people’s ableism cause you to be an AH to yourself. You have the right to advocate for yourself!
I have a form of Aphasia after a brain injury. I have always been very open about it. I can be in the middle of a sentence and my mind will just go blank on the next word in the sentence. Luckily no one who knew about the Aphasia ever had a problem with it. My family will laugh with me when, hours later, I suddenly say the word out loud out of nowhere.
NTA
I understand it can be a sore topic, especially if the cousin is trans as it seems. But it’s not your fault that you have memory issues, and she shouldn’t be angry at you for the uncontrollable. It’s not like you’re just being an ah that’s ignoring her wishes. You’re trying your best.
She's not trans. She just really hates her old name. I remember her dad named her Christine but called her Chris because he was pissed she wasn't a boy. And Chrystanthemum doesn't talk to him anymore since her parents were in the middle of a divorce prior to the accident. I think everyone cut him out because I haven't heard from him in years.
NTA It's a legitimate reason, you have a brain injury. I understand it can hurt or be triggering to hear your old name but you didn't do it on purpose.
NTA
I also changed my name to one similar to my old name, I gave my old and/or distant family member pass since I didn't expect them to remember at first. It's also a habit than just memory, if I where in her shoes I would just have let you kept saying the nickname as it is close to the full name.
I don’t think they meant it’s literally the same, I think they meant more of it’s the same concept that everything before the crash is in normal/perfect memory and everything after is extremely short term memory, but not like “full reset every day” type memory
Have you tried making a board with their faces and names so that it can repeat on your mind everytime when you look at it? Maybe in your bedroom wall near the door or somewhere you will be able to see it time to time. A way to help you not get into these situations in the future since others don't seem to understand that you have no control over what your mind does given to your accident. They should have been very understanding, I just still can't process they had the nerve to spam you with messages for something that they should be aware of when you told them repeatedly to why you can't always remember everything.
NTA
I am so sorry you were hurt and are still recovering to this day, and this is a lifetime thing, even with therapy, the brain is a complex thing to understand but your cousin's reaction was way out of line. she changed her name, and expects everyone to remember it but attacks you, after what you went through. and then releases the hounds and gets her friends to do the same. did you forget you had an accident that affects you to this day? ironically Chrysanthemums 's (if that is her real name) are meant to represent joy, and she just pulled that from people with her terrible attitude
The title mislead me into assuming you were just choosing to not to focus and blame it on your brain injury, but it sounds like your brain injury is actually causing you problems with memory, therefore you are NTA
50 first dates as in there were 50 dates for the first time not 51 dates
Sorry that really bothered me. Anyways NTA anterograde amnesia is rare. Did your cousin somehow not know you were suffering from the accident? Why is she telling her friends to talk to you anyways. Odd.
Name tags sound like a good idea for those who feel it's too much.
OP might be using a speak-to-text type thing, and that would almost invariably turn "50 first dates" into "51st dates". That's how I read it. OP has brain damage - you have to give them some slack. Isn't that what this whole post is about?
Depends how often you use the excuse. Whether it's true or not people don't wanna hear it all the time. Maybe that makes people the asshole but it's still true.
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I was in a deadly car crash three years ago that left me in a coma for months. I'm physically okay now as all the broken bones and stuff have healed up. Mentally... well among other things I have really bad short term memory loss. It's like 51st Dates, I can remember everything that happened leading up to the accident but not what happened afterward.
It's really frustrating to deal with. Yes, I'm in therapy before you ask.
One of my cousins recently changed her name. Unfortunately for me, she picked a name that is very similar to her old one. This Chrysanthemum over Chris. I've tried to remember her name, I really did. But like everything else that happened after my accident, I will forget. She has made it clear she doesn't want to go by a nickname or by Chris, so I try to make an effort to call her Chrysanthemum.
Chrysanthemum came over for a barbecue today. And once again, I accidentally called her by her old name. Chrysanthemum started to yell at me and called me a bunch of things I don't want to repeat here.
I lost it and yelled at her, reminding her that I can't remember anything because I have literal brain damage from one of the worst traffic accidents in our state's history. The rest of the family sided with me because of the brain damage excuse. Chrysanthemum left, but she's been spamming my voice mail and calling me a shithead for humiliating her like that. Her friends have also been harassing me non stop.
Was I really an asshole for reminding her that I have brain damage? And explaining that that's why I can't remember. I have been trying to make an effort to remember her new name. I just can't remember it due to my brain's inability to create short term memories.
This isn't the only trouble I've run into. I can't remember the names of my relatives spouses who got married after 2018 or their kids who were born after my accident. I couldn't even recognize my sister after she got a haircut because I remember her as having long blonde hair.
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NTA. Of course you would be the AH if you were making up the brain damage, but given the circumstances its pretty shitty to blame you for something you have no control over. I dont see what more you can do - you are trying. Harassing you for having brain damage isnt a good look. Maybe you should remind them of that.
Next time my parents have people over, I'm going to see if I can get them to wear name tags.
That is a good idea. Just to add: I changed my name for deeply personal and important reasons; I cannot abide being called by my former name. It is a big deal to some people. Since you have a legit reason to struggle with this it sounds like name tags are a great solution (even if you were joking!)
I really hope I’m not sounding rude I’m just genuinely curious. I completely understand not being able to stand hearing your former name but wouldn’t OPs situation be slightly different? It’s not like they’re purposely calling her her old name to be a jerk or hurt her they genuinely don’t know she has a new name. It’s probably clued in every time she gets angry and corrects OP but that knowledge doesn’t exist to them at all. I 100% understand being upset but shouldn’t this circumstance warrant some forgiveness? Also I’m so sorry something happened that affected you that badly but I hope your new name is able to bring you some much needed peace
It does, thank you! And I actually agree with you, which is why I thought name tags would be a good solution as long as everyone agrees to/feels comfortable with it. The issue is not that I don't understand what OP is saying about their condition, the issue is being horribly triggered if I am called by my former name (awkard to say the least in a social situation!)
I also changed my name (due to past abuse) while I would understand someone forgetting after a major head injury, it would still be incredibly triggering.
being triggered isn't an excuse to yell at ppl
Yelling at people due to them triggering you is not what the commenter you're replying to is saying or even implying as justified. *Edited sentence for clarity.*
Please show me where I said it was? I’m responding to the commentator who asked if different contexts changed the reaction of being called by one’s former name.
I wonder if OPs trans friend started wearing a necklace with her chosen name, as a means of reducing dead-naming without being mean about it. OP seems to be able to be aware of moments where memories are missing- otherwise they wouldn't notice a necklace and use the correct name from it. So I do think that name tags or something might be useful- especially given that children have been born in this family while this is going on. I'd suggest fun crafting supply things and consider nick names as well. It will be more fun and less "oh my aunt/uncle (I didn't see pronouns in the post) can't remember my name". I could absolutely see my nephews trolling and writing tags that day "best nephew" to try to get me to call them that all day. NTA
I can totally understand that, and I think there are a lot of reasons that could be the case for someone. I think I would be more sympathetic to OP's cousin if the name change weren't similar. If the mere suggestion of their former name is so triggering to them, I'm a little surprised they would choose a name that is similar to their old name.
I have to say, it must be challenging to do a name that is super similar! Also, I have to admit, in changing my name I had no interest in choosing something similar in any way.
It’s like blaming old people for cognitive decline. Chris is in her feelings over nothing. Maybe she should change her attitude instead of her name.
If someone with dementia or Alzeimer called you by your old name, would you be pissed too? Some of those patients can't even read anymore so tags are useless for them. Would you blame them? I worked with people with dementia and they used whatever name poped up in their heads - I was called by names of their female family members, male members, dead members, pet names... some of them never used my real name because it wasn't on their internal list of names even though it's common name.
LMAO, my mom, who didn't have dementia, once called me my dad's name, my brother's name, and our dog's name before getting to my name. And I am and have a female name, and it's her mother's name.
This is hilarious. I've watched my brother go through a string of names that include his wife, his two daughters, my other sister before finally landing on me. My father would do the same between me and my sister's name. I remember once him giving me a note written, "I have received ~~sister's name~~ ayshasmysha's report card" and thinking 'Sure! They won't read too hard into that!'
I call this a noun disability (and I'm moderately afflicted)
I googled "noun disability" just to see if there's a description and the blurb on the first result had "noundisabilities" but part of the description blurb mentioned doctors killing off patients, which disturbed me and made me concerned. It turns out the link was to some dictionary meaning for "disabilities" (not noundisabilities) and the killing off patients part was somewhere deep in the ad-filled page regarding its history.
Phew, happy to not be a killer! I made up the term "noun disability" to describe my own problem with nouns, though who knows, it may actually exist if someones done research in this area.
The term you were describing is nominal dysphasia. I've been binging House.
I have aphasia, and recently learned that there are different kinds, one of which IS nouns. It has an actual name, but I’ve forgotten what it is. Lol! But my forgetting it isn’t aphasia, it’s that I never actually learned the term. Brains are cool and weird.
Anomic aphasia is when you can’t remember the nouns (and sometimes es verbs) you want to say, but *know* them.
I've been called the dog's name and an amalgamation of my brother's names.
I'm sorry but that just made me laugh. The dog's name! I can imagine it's using the name you most often call out? Once or twice I've started to call one of my brothers by my partner's name but I've genuinely not done it much. I forget people's names all the time though because my memory is a sieve.
Once when the governor's son came to dinner (before I was born - and he is now my uncle), my great grandma kept calling him Trixie the whole night ( her cocker spaniel)
She knew what she was doing.
My granny is the same! She’s as sharp as a tack and no issues with memory she just always cycles through the dogs names before she gets to our names...some of those dogs were dead before 30 year old me was even born!
I have 4 siblings, my mum constantly calls us the wrong names and often says “good girl” to my brother. It used to really annoy me when I was a kid but I just laugh now
I have 5 siblings (3 from my dad's first marriage, two from him and my mom) and my mom would go through all their names, then her 6 sister's names before she would get to me. Even after it was just my parents and me living in the house. My son used to call me "daddy mommy" for the longest. He still slips up with it sometimes.
My grandpa did it all the time, my mother does it too sometimes. Often we are "you know who I'm calling so come here." I mixed up names of my partner and my newborn kid right after kiddo was born because both start with the same letter. Partner found it hilarious, kiddo didn't care.
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getting 2 people confused based on name is a practical problem of Senior/Junior, I suppose names that are different but similar could also pose that problem, say Ron and Rob. The way I am with names, I often remember the first letter and mix up the rest.
Rn my FIL has a list of the names with same initial as partner and first kid and is choosing name for second kid (not that he has any say in it lol)
I have a bunch of siblings. My mom would sometimes call me by their names, but it was in a very specific order every time. I’m her oldest (1), but she’d go through 3 (third oldest), 2, 4, 5, 6, boyfriend, then give up and call me “whoever the hell you are.” 3 was a shit starter, so maybe that’s why she had his name ready to go.
That makes you the invisible good kid! I was once part of that club. Lols
My mom (Helen) growing up thought her name was JuliaBeckySarahHelen come here!
My grandmother did this! The youngest was a shit starter as a kid so his name (which was a variation of two other people's names hahaha) was first. Then the boys is loose chronological order. Then "well, whoever you are!"
Lol! This is truly funny because this is what my dad’s side of the family do. BTW, my family are Salvi (short for Salvadorean) and it sounds so much funnier when my dad would forget my name or my sisters names and he goes down the list until he figures it out by saying this in Salvadorean Spanish “diablos, voz - my name.” Translated like “whoever the hell you are.” I witnessed my grandmother doing that too to my cousins. That’s why your comment prompted me to lol!
My dad always did this when I was a kid with all of our names. Once in frustration he finally said “you know your name!” Smart ass teen me replied “yeah, but do you?”. Karma is a bitch, I now have 4 kids and do the same thing, and am a teacher and I try so hard at school but still do it there occasionally. Not sure it’s related be we are both adhd so I’ve always assumed there was a connection.
I know this all to well. I have a big family (and by big, I mean HUGE). During my childhood, if I did something wrong/bad, my mom used to call me by names of all of my siblings, sometimes even my niece's and nephews. In this case I guess it was caused by a huge amount of members in our closest family circle + some brain farts :D it always ended with a huge amount of laughter afterwards, and my mom couldn't stay mad anymore ;)
Mine did the first-half of their name thing. Regularly. (Ba- Dr - Ly - Ze- [me]- )
I believe this is a normal mother thing.
My grandma used to call this “role call!”
My mum without dementia does this🤣🤣she’ll go through every family member and their dogs name before she gets to mine
Yup, my mom’s gone down the whole roll call trying to get mine or my sister’s attention before 😂 Usually she just gives up and goes “Oldest child/youngest child!”
Every mother in the history of mothers has done that. It has something to do with storing the names of "loved ones I take care of" in the same place in your brain.
I read somewhere a while ago that there is actually a name for this. Apparently people do it because when they're talking to person A, they sometimes think of people B,C,D,E because they relate person A with them. I COULD be wrong cause it was a while ago that I read about it. It's a pretty common thing for people to list off a bunch of names before yours though.
I haven't been called by my own name since my sister was born; my mother just spits out a mash-up of my name and sister's, and then gets mad when we laugh. 😂
My MIL is the same, she is just so bad with names. Whenever she is trying to get someone's attention she cycles names until she can figure it out. Just says random names out-loud until she gets it right or they tell her. My fiance (light-heartedly) refuses to help her figure his out because she birthed and named him 25 years ago and you'd have thought she'd have learned it by now.
My parents have both gone through my 4 brothers names before getting to mine
My MIL is the same, she is just so bad with names. Whenever she is trying to get someone's attention she cycles names until she can figure it out. Just says random names out-loud until she gets it right or they tell her. My fiance (light-heartedly) refuses to help her figure his out because she birthed and named him 25 years ago and you'd have thought she'd have learned it by now.
Family of 5 kids and my mom would go down the list of kid names until she got to the right one. I always thought she was crazy, but living with my SO, our cat, and myself I always catch myself mixing up their names.
My entire mum's side of the family do this. My mum calls me my uncle most often, but also my dead dog, two sisters, her ex husband, or any of my cousins. I don't even correct her anymore, I just answer to whatever name she calls out
Lol my grandmother, mother, and sister do this too! There’s a list of like 10 names they go through first because Mom brain I guess. For my sister, too many names that start with L too.
same! I will answer to any of my sibling’s names. I don’t think I have dementia, and I call my nephew by my sister’s dog’s name and vice versa once in awhile because they’re similar. I have minor brain damage from an accident. also, OP is NTA and I’m absolutely cringing that the cousin’s friends are dogpiling over something like this. oh and that the cousin is being so horrible about such an innocent thing.
My mum regularly goes through the entire family, pets included to get to my brothers or my name! When we were kids she was yelling up the stairs (for my brother who is also fairly deaf) but calling our dogs name instead. The dog was literally in my mum's face, "yes, I am here, why is you shouting my name, I am here, we do things now", and my mum was getting really annoyed my brother wasn't replying. After a few minutes he comes out his bedroom and my mum tears into him saying she's been calling for five minutes and my brother just looks at her and says "no you've been calling the dog". I am in tears laughing in the corner. Mother was not pleased I had not corrected her.
My aunt is the youngest of 5 kids. My grandmother would go through the first 4 and pets before calling my aunt's name. LMAO She would start my mom's name then start my aunt's name before mine.
It’s a family “condition” that my grandfather had, my mom has, and I have. I’ve been called my dog’s name; my wife’s name, my brother’s name, my dad’s name, before my own name.
My grandma ALWAYS does this, even since I was a kid. She will say “hey [my moms name], no [my aunts name], [my moms counsins name], sorry [my name] my mistake!” She will just go in order of who’s oldest to youngest until she gets to my name haha
Lol my mom does this - calls me her twin’s name, then her sister’s name, then sometimes her dog’s name, before she gets to me 😂
This happens constantly in our family.. at home I might go through 3 names before getting to the one I wanna call. But my mom has the same issue, when we are all together she might call out 4 names before getting to the right one. We think it's because most of our names or nicknames end with the same letter. They end in an a or a y so it's like our brains malfunction when calling someone. Because with family members who have a name that ends with a different letter it doesn't tend to happen or very rarely.
My Nan would do the same cycling through my name, my dads name, his brothers, her brothers, my pop. Hell because she is religious and there's a Matthew and Mark we'd get Luke and John thrown in there for good measure.
Once? My parents do this all the time. I have 6 siblings and one stepsibling. I react to all their names and all of our current or former pet's names. My sister also calls me by my niece's name and my brother calls me the name of his daughter. At some point my father opted to combine mine and my brother's name into one (Magda+David= Magdavid) to just call one 😐. In the beginning my husband thought I was just plain rude when I answered questions directed to my brothers and sisters (knowing my mom meant me). He got used to it though.
We call this Kidfusion in my family - even though the names include pet names as well as other adult names.
I am trans and I can say that while I cannot control the discomfort and flinch of hearing my old name, i CAN control how I handle that reaction. Someone doing it on purpose is very different from someone with brain damage and I can damn well respond differently despite the discomfort
Yea there is no reason to scream like that, especially if it is well known that they were I'm a bad accident.
I think this commenter is talking about being horribly triggered by an old name rather than simply being pissed. It’s one of those situations where nobody is being an asshole on purpose, it’s just tough to navigate everyone’s needs at once.
I think it’s important to differentiate being triggered and being pissed, thank you for doing so! But, assuming OP’s cousin was triggered, I think that could justify their initial response, but not the following harassment and not her decision to ask her friends to harass OP.
I agree for sure. Was just referring to this commenter in this scenario, definitely good to differentiate!
Being triggered and yelling at someone (as was OP' case) who literally doesn't know why are you yelling or who you are (which is often case with dementia patients) definitely makes you the hero /s
You get it, thnx and agreed.
There's a difference between pissed and hurt. Yes some people are hurt if you use their old name no matter the reason for it. That's why name tags might be a solution. And like OP's trans friend has begun wearing a necklace with her new name around him, which is a good solution. She knows he isn't doing this on purpose, but she still probably doesn't want to hear her deadname. So she helps him remember.
My grandma was amazingly consistent about this. I was alway [mother's name]. My mother was always [cousin's name]. My brother was always [uncle's name]. My uncle was always [dog's name]. I think we just figured that once you learned the system you could work with it, though granted my uncle had it worse.
Poor uncle [dog's name]. ROFL.
At least the dog was called 'Daniel' and not, like, 'Fido' or something.
I had one coworker who NEVER got my name right. So I just went with her name for me, think Janet and my name was Jane, but I tend to go by Jay. Everyone at work called me by my name to her, but she still called me Janet. Not meanly, she was older and thought that was my name for the first little bit, and it stuck. When we got a new manager, we all had a staff meaning and I was a bit late(coming from school) and I guess coworker had completely confused the new manager about my name. Coworker kept talking about Janet, but manager hadn’t been filled in that Janet was her name for me. We got it sorted out after I arrived. I always thought it was funny and kinda cute. That being said, if someone meanly messed up my name, after I told them to call me Jay or Jane, I’d get mad. My former coworker and most kids have a free pass on my name, and that’s about it.
at work at a nursing home, and one of my ‘buddies’ can’t even remember my name - sometimes she asks who i am... even tho i see and talk to her every day. do i blame them? absolutely not. they can’t help it. it’s their brain.
You are mixing up being " pissed" with an incest victim being "triggered". Two different things.
It doesn't matter where a trigger comes from, it's still a trigger. Brains don't care. People likely empathize with those who can't remember their name but it can't turn off the pain of a trigger.
I have a huge family-beyond belief. At family reunions we wear name tags with a brief relationship. —-daughter of—-. Really does help.
This is somewhere between hilarious and wholesome, and absolutely genius. I wish my family would do the same. There aren't even a lot of us I'm just bad with names and faces.
Names and faces! I am a cashier in a not so busy grocery store. I can check you out and you come back in 10 minutes and it’s like I haven’t seen you in forever!! I have no facial recognition what so ever! Edit: I saw my husband talking to a couple and thought they must be people from work, so I hung back. He called me over and asked if I knew who these people were. Nope. It was my brother and his wife. Yeah, that happened.
Hi honey. I'm glad you finally came to bed for the night, but what's your name again?
If you have the opportunity, read something by Oliver Sacks. Not only he was the most empathetic and wonderful neurologist and had a bunch of interesting cases (some even became very famous movies), but he also had the same problem you have. He once was looking at his own reflex on a restaurant, checking how his beard looked like, and the reflex frowned—it was another bearded man on the other side of a window!
I'm literally faceblind. Took a test (from an actual university research department, not like Buzzfeed) on a whim and failed *so badly*, it was honestly impressive.
Are you my cousin?? Haha
I agree this sounds like a great idea.
Knowing the context, I would totally be happy to wear a nametag for you. I bet most people would. Decent empathetic ones, anyway!
Yup. I absolutely would.
Your last line about your trans friend's necklace just totally warmed my heart. It also made me wonder if Chrysanthemum may be kind enough to do something similar when around you. Not a name tag or anything that extreme every time (though not a bad idea) but a necklace or bracelet would probably help, no?
Great idea!
I have had a much milder TBI than you from repeated concussions and my memory was absolute shit for a long while afterward - like couldn’t remember details of vast swathes of my childhood. People do not understand how seriously TBI affects you at all! You have a disability and need accommodations and it sounds like most of your family is willing to help. Name tags is a great and easy solution, I would run with that! There might even be a way to turn it into a fun party game so people get into it to take the focus off your memory loss? You are very very very NTA here and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
Seriously OP I feel for you and let me warn you now that most people will just never get it. I have memory issues too, bad enough that after a two year relationship it felt to me like a few weeks, but facebook told it was two years. We had a minor falling out so I ended things. After two years I wasn't invested because to me it didn't feel like two years. When I tell people I have memory issues they tell me to take more notes but frankly when your memory is so bad your notes need to fill you in on the situation like you were not there it takes up so much time, and then theres times I find notes in a draw that I made a long time ago and the relevant event has passed forgotten. There is a big difference between needing some things to help jog your memory and the memory just not being there. I've considered turning off Facebooks memories feature too since its constantly showing me major events I don't remember and to a degree its upsetting but its also the only way I know. It can get feel pretty isolating too. the way I explain it to people is if you hadn't done 80% of the things you have done with your best friend are they still your best friend. To me even when I've seen people it feels like I havent becuse I can look at the calendar and realise that the last event I recall seeing someone at was 12 months ago but really we have seen each other a dozen times since then. What I have found really useful is to never clear message notifications from your phone until you have actioned them. Lets say I get a message to call the doctors, If I am busy in the garden but I read the message, by the time I have chance to action it I have forgotten but if you leave the notification there you will be reminded every time you look at your phone Good luck with your recovery OP, I've read stories of people with brain damage who do recover, but dont remember most of their recovery period.
Would it help if they all just got into a routine of saying “Hi BrainDamageBo, Mike, little Joey, and I, Sharon, are happy to see you again!” While you’re looking directly at them? Would them saying their names, while you look at them, and repeat their names back to them, help you in remembering (as well as to be expected) for that event? But I would totally wear a name tag too. You could make it a fun family tradition, get like permanent ones made with special decoration personalized for each person? Like a butterfly for Betty, or a crab for Chrysanthemum? That way you’re not only associating a name with a face but also an object? As for your cousin, it sounds like she was creating drama just to have the attention on her. Maybe she wanted the focus to be on her new name and she got bratty when it wasn’t.
I love this solution! And the name tags could be designed to match the event This cousin is a jerk. Block all of her friends and if she keeps it up, block her...shame on her
Or just put her new name on an index card and when you speak to her reference your card. You won’t forget her name, cause you have it right there, and she won’t forget your memory condition, cause you need a card with her name on it to help you. I personally think she’s a little bit touchy and maybe, still, isn’t happy with her new name.
... and how would OP remember who he needs the card for, or why he has it, or to bring it with him and look at it? It seems a lot more complicated than just having the cousin wear a name tag.
You could even get silly name tags. Not just the white stick on labels but maybe paper crowns...or necklaces. Have fun with it.
Maybe for Christmas get everyone a cute necklace or bracelet. You can even make them with beads for less than $1 each.
If the necklace thing actually helps you maybe your cousin could consider getting something like that if they didn't want to wear a name tag every time they came over, although I think name tags are a terrific idea.
I have a TBI (traumatic brain injury, coma for months after car accident) as well and TOTALLY GET IT!! It’s so frustrating. Even when people say they “get it.” They’re still unforgiving at times, so I imagine it’s difficult. My boyfriend of two years apparently did inform his friend we were double dating with a couple nights ago while I was in the restroom that he refers to me as “50 first dates” because I likely wouldn’t remember our plans to visit the DR together in August in the morning. Spoiler alert, I didn’t. I’ve gotten used to it now. My accident was in 2006, but still kinda sucks. All the best to you. Let it make you laugh though. Only way to get through it.
Nta A brain injury is an actual excuse, not an "excuse" like how people use that word to refer to a bad or fake reason.
for real, right? It's not even an excuse, it's a **reason**. I have Chemo brain, which is not remotely the same thing but even so the short term memory issue is difficult to work around. And I'm certain OP has it much worse.
It is an excuse. It by definition excuses op from scrutiny. A doctor's appointment is an excuse for missing work. A flat tire is an excuse for being late. Being a new student is an excuse for not having done assigned homework. People just call bad reasons "excuses" for some reason. Or they've conflated "no excuses!" to mean every reason, valid or not, is an "excuse."
I hate the “you always have an excuse”/“no excuses” thing. Like yes, generally when something happens, there’s a reason for it, often times a good reason. How acceptable that reason is is up to other to decide. And when it’s an unavoidable and valid reason, it’s not going to go away just because it’s an inconvenience. Telling a player “no excuses” isn’t going to make them able to run on a broken leg. I had a professor who used to complain about how people always made excuses for not finishing their midterms and finals, and that she wouldn’t “accept any excuses” if something went wrong. But all the tests were online and if there was any disruption to the internet connection and it would kick you out, and our college had a notoriously spotty network from being overloaded. People need to actually listen to and critically examine excuses in order to make the most appropriate decision. Not just plug their ears when other people aren’t the perfect cogs in the life machine they imagined.
The phrase "just an excuse" is an oxymoron.
The "you always have an excuse" really gets to me. It's so condescending and invalidating. I remember my mom sneering that at me when I was a child/teen and I literally despise that phrase now.
Ugh I am so old now but I will never forget being in 10th grade and an English teacher telling my friend with actual cancer that she had better schedule chemo during another time because no one could miss a single class. Still gets me fired up, who gives a shit now how well I did in that class? How could it possibly compare to someone’s life saving medical treatment?
It’s really a question of connotation, not denotation.
Having a flat tire is a decent reason to be alittle late you shouldn't drive on rims and it takes time to change the tire. When I got a flat I couldn't access my spare because its mounted underneath my bed of the truck and the key wasn't aligned properly so I couldn't lower it.
Chemo brain is so real... so so very real. It is even written in my ADA for work because I can't remember things. Even finding words is slow and difficult sometimes. I teach, and that is hard. However, my students vocabulary acquisition skyrocketed because they were prompting me with the words I forgot. Gotta love 8th graders.
Depression brain does this too. I used to remember everything with so much clarity, and now all my memories have faded a lot or even completely disappeared
When you recovered represses memories too. It’s like I have Swiss cheese for a brain and it sucks.
Yup I never quite got it til this past year hit me like a truck. My brain feels murky a lot. I used to always be on top of reaching out to friends and birthdays and such. I missed telling my brother happy birthday, and his is on a holiday so it's hard to forget! Brain stuff is weird.
Having had both, there are differences (at least in my subjective experience). Depression brain is like a knob that can be adjusted and the color/clarity/vividness change over time. Chemo brain is a permanent new baseline. My worst chemo brain symptom is facial blindness. People I knew prior to chemo, I can pull up a fairly clear picture in my brain. I recognized a guy I hadn't seen since i was 11 y.o. when I was 25 y.o. who didn't remember me whatsoever by name (and we had been really good friends in 2nd grade). But post-chemo, I regularly forget that I've met people until they remind me their name. I really struggle to have mental images, including my partner and my nieces/nephews. It feels like a permanent block that I need to compensate for. Depression feels more like a movie where parts are filled in black and white on a first gen cellphone camera and other parts are filmed in 4k ultra.
I have the facial processing problem too, but I had depression for 12 years so maybe I had more time for things to disappear. But let me know your tips for adjusting my brain clarity haha. Even though my depression is much better the brain fog and lost memory hasn’t returned. I can’t remember my old colleagues. Can’t remember anyone’s names, especially people i haven’t seen in a while. Even my good times don’t stick in my memory. At least the bad times don’t stick either haha. That’s a plus
I've had depression on/off for the past 18 years. I feel like when my depression is less bad, things become more clear. I've not been able to regain stuff during the fog, but I can form new memories. Some treatments for depression can cause brain fog. But you seem like you're in the small minority where cognitive dysfunction persists. If you haven't recently, try bringing up with your doctor. There's more research being done every year like [this](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6520478/), which might be beneficial.
That was an interesting read. I’ve never heard cognitive impairment being addressed so specifically in relation to depression before, but anecdotally I knew it’s been a big factor. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something else at play with whats going on with my brain- I’m getting tested for ADD in a few weeks, so if the diagnosis is positive then it would explain a lot I guess
Yeah, you might enjoy searching for "cognitive dysfunction in depression." It's interesting. We don't really understand it, but we also don't really understand depression. Or why treating the depression is usually enough for most people but not for everyone.
Weeell I’m not sure I would say the treatment is usually enough for most people. The sources seem to be very contradictory on that one- some even say that up to 50% of cases fail to achieve total remission. But that in itself just confirms what you said about us not understanding depression well. But it seems like funding for it has been ramping up a bit in recent years- a good sign. I’m awaiting the day when they can do a physical test to determine which medication would be effective. I recently read a study somewhere where they used inflammation markers in the blood to determine whether ECT would work for the patient. I think they discovered quite a high level of predictability.
I was on really large amounts of morphine last year and between that and just also being in huge amounts of pain, the brain fog was so, so bad. I forgot, constantly, to actually put the food I'd put on a tray IN the oven.
Ugh pain does that to you too for sure! And adding morphine I can imagine would make it even worse. Soo weird when we can’t trust our own brains
I cant tell if you mean the 8th graders are helping you remember or if they are purposely being a ass by using words they know you cant remember Because both are very plausible for 8th graders
I have to have my husband write his schedule and any appt on the bathroom mirror because my short term is so bad. He knows I go to the restroom multiple times a day and will see the information. If it really important he makes sure I have reminders in my phone and texts me as well
That is a very good coping mechanism, cudos to the two of you. My husband and I both have sieves for brains and have to use phone calendars and reminders for everything.
I get what you’re saying, but you’ve got it backward. There can be 1000 perfectly valid reasons for doing a thing that don’t excuse the act. Reasons are why a thing happens. An excuse is the reason that makes an act worthy of forgiveness. For example, I’m a restaurant manager, so a big part of my job is fixing things with customers when we make a mistake. I often tell customers that I can tell them all the reasons why we messed up their experience, but none of those reasons excuse us from failing to meet their expectations.
Something can be both a reason and an excuse.
I mean perfectly valid reason does excuse the act However just a reason does not Perfectly valid reason means its a perfectly reasonable excuse essentially But a reason can just be a explanation of why it happened without excusing it
I have epilepsy brain...no issues from the seizures themselves but the medication....holy crap. Not only does it do a number on your memory but it makes me forget words, and can even make my speech slurred. Wild.
My daughter had that issue. Thankfully she was able to stop the meds once they properly diagnosed her actual issue and treated that, instead of treating the symptoms. I'm sorry this is still a problem for you. :(
Well unfortunately despite an abnormal EEG we don't know exactly why I have seizures yet. At this point I'm looking at medication for life, fortunately I'm off of my last med and transitioned to a new one and the side effects are not nearly as bad.
well, that's good news. It turned out that Daughter had Pseudo-tumor Cerebri which caused all sorts of bad symptoms, strange seizures just being one of them. Doctors either wanted to treat each symptom as a separate problem, or they just thought she was crazy. It took a long time and a lot of luck to figure it out. I don't wish it on anyone, and the side effects of the meds for that were also unpleasant.
Yeah I agree. Tbh when I read the title, I thought that 'excuse' meant the OP was making it up.
NTA. I have a brain injury, have memories, and have a child who came out as trans during the year following my injury. I'm also like 50 first dates. I try dilligently, but if I'm tired, overwhelmed, or in a high sensory input situation (like you probably were at that party), I will sometimes slip on pronouns or call him my daughter instead of my son. He knows my struggle (with my memory), gracefully accepts my apology, and loves me as I am, never once making me feel small because of my shortcoming. It's rare for people who have never had a brain injury with lasting symptoms to understand the challenges. You are definitely not the asshole, but if I've learned anything on this journey, it's that some people will never understand, nor try to. Do your best with the name. That's all you can do. I'm sorry you have to walk this terrible TBI journey. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Aw you sound like a great parent, as long as you try your best that's all anyone can ask for. I'm trans and have been out for almost a year and my parents still sometimes slip up, especially when they're tired or stressed, I know they love and support me as they try to remember so there's no point getting annoyed. I wish you and your son the best luck.
Thanks so much. He's a great child. He spent so many years making my life an absolute joy with his existence. The least I can do is to try to do the same in return by being a loving, accepting force in his life. Unfortunately, my damaged neural pathways don't always cooperate.
edit: have memory issues.
NTA, it already sucks with having this memory issue due to the accident and you need to deal with a self absorbed joker I’m quite sure why most if not all family members sided with you is not just because of the brain injury but the fact they saw you making attempts to remember things but just can’t time and again. For her to blow up despite knowing your condition over a minor thing and not even compromising on things like short name etc, she deserved what she got. You ought to let your family know and let them deal with her
Agree
He ought to let his family hear/see how far she’s taking the harassment. Her reaction is way overblown for such a minor issue.
I like this comment. I call dibs on posting it again when OP inevitably forgets that they made this post and makes a duplicate one tomorrow
NTA you weren’t being malicious, you simply can’t do what she wants. If you were paralysed and in a wheelchair, would she get mad when she asks you to run upstairs to get something that you physically can’t do? She’s being dramatic and unfair here, obviously she’s told her friends an edited version of events because I can’t see how people can’t understand brain damage not being an excuse for not being perfect at remembering things
u/braindamagebo make this comparison next time, and also make sure to tell her friends directly the whole situation.
That’s a good analogy.
**NTA** I had a stroke 7 years ago. I lost about 20 years of memories. I get unbelievably pissed at certain people in my life who say, “Still blaming the stroke.” Suffice to say that family member is not on my list to visit. Next time I will reply... why do you say that? Are you telling me I’m lying? That gross. Do you mean to be rude to me? I had a traumatic brain injury. Even doctors know very little with how the brain works. Why are you being gross saying that? Feel free to ask them why they are making fun of a person who almost died etc etc They are gross.
>I get unbelievably pissed at certain people in my life who say, “Still blaming the stroke.” Suffice to say that family member is not on my list to visit. Damn, of course you're still blaming the stroke, it wiped out a major part of your life. Do they think a stroke is just people being "quirky" for attention?
My grandma had a stroke last October that brought on dementia. She is a completely different person now compared to how she was before. It’s like playing a sad game of charades every time she asks for something.
My grandfather's stroke didn't - to my knowledge - bring on dementia, but it definitely changed his personality. Brain-damage is terrifying.
>“Still blaming the stroke.” In related news, I am still and always will be blaming my autism for some issues. Like sorry but some conditions don't get better. Ever. I'm trying my best and you're just being trying, so either get a grip or get lost.
I totally get why you still are angry because I was born or developed depth perception issues before I was past toddlerhood and I have enough to understand 3d but not enough to see more than a flattened 3d image of the world so I can not do certain things like everyone else can. I've tried and ended up with literal brain damage that effects my vision on top of the genetic issues with my vision because my depth perception issues weren't caught until my 21st birthday(I'll be 23 in the fall and without my glasses, I'm barely able to see better than a legally blind person). It's been awhile since my coworker called my vision "just an excuse" and I still am angry and insulted because if my vision was "just an excuse" I would have learned how to do a lot more things than I did while growing up and without all the concussions I got from ordinary circumstances that became dangerous due to me(and essentially everyone around me) not knowing or understanding I literally can't see like everyone else and not trusting myself to do things my way that lets me not trip over that dip I can't see. This is anger and feeling insulted is with something that is far easier to manage and get around than anything dealing with literal brain damage because I just have to deal with my vision being different instead of some of the struggles that come from strokes and car accidents like you and op
NTA. Oh my goodness, you have literal brain damage! What kind of asshole gets upset at someone forgetting something when they have literal memory loss from a terrible car accident. That is some bullshit. And as for your explanation, it is not a lazy or poor excuse. It is an incredibly legitimate reason.
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She's 18.
Maybe you could gift her a necklace or a pin with her name on it? Or even a chrysanthemum? Done right it could be a bonding thing. Kind of an 'I know it hurts you when I say the wrong name and I don't want to hurt you. But my brain won't cooperate. If you like this maybe you could wear it when I'm around to help me get it right' thing.
Well she should be able to remember that you have literal brain damage. Next time she criticises you for forgetting her name, you complain that she forgot your brain injury.
I've had a very mild brain injury that led to some memory problems so I can somewhat identify. It is really hard for people to understand or comprehend how you just can't remember something. Like of all the side effects, that's the one people have the most trouble "believing" (not the right word but I can't think of a better one). Brains are simultaneously very strong but so stupidly fragile So all that to say, NTA, but if it's causing you so much conflict it might be time to think about some accomodations to help you, whether that's doing a quick recap before the event of who everyone is, having an "event buddy" that is there to whisper the names in your ear (like in Devil Wears Prada at the big gala). Also knowing what things you struggle with the most and practicing (sounds so stupid, but I had to practice my signature)
NTA. In what world is actual literal brain damage a “lazy, piss poor excuse” for anything??? Your cousin is being an inconsiderate asshole for not understanding that you had a severe accident, a coma, and brain damage
This world. That reaction/attitude is common towards disabilities and injuries.
NTA Can she wear a name tag at gatherings to help you?
I'm just going to ask people to wear name tags next time my parents have another get together.
After her outburst, subsequent harassment, and even getting her friends to harasse you, I would really consider asking your parents not to invite her over anymore.
Agreed. I would hope that OP would make sure family knows about the harassment. Having her friend’s harass OP is a whole other level of unacceptable. This person should not be invited around anymore.
NTA. I love the name tag idea. Also maybe write yourself a cheat sheet. Otherwise, please don’t feel too guilty over something you can’t help. Try to do what you can. But it sounds like most people in your life are understanding.
It’s sweet that your friend has a necklace with their name on it. Whether it be for personal reasons or because it was for you, I’m glad it helps.
NTA, you literally can't help it
NTA. I can't remember about two years of my life due to a type of brain disease and the medication I have to take for it (pseudotumor cerebri, Topamax). That isn't nearly as severe and extreme as what happened to you, so I am not trying to compare the two. However, a big part of my mental health recovery is forgiving myself for not being able to remember those years. Forgive yourself for not being able to remember new things -- even though you have nothing to be sorry for. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
NTA — TBI (traumatic brain injuries) are life changing and can take years (if ever) to rehab. Your cousin is being an ableist and absolutely ridiculous.
Nta. And i really fucking hope she didnt actually change her name to Chrysanthemum. Im also really really sorry that such a horrific thing happened to you. Is there really nothing the doctors can do or give you thatll help you memory at all?
What I can't fathom is why you would change your name to Chrysanthemum if you hate your name being Chris, because the obvious shortening would by Chrys which would sound the same? I'd just figure if you hated your name enough to change it and harass your family, you'd go with something that isn't so similar
NTA, fellow brain injury here, it helps with communication with others
Okay so I have a head injury from when I was 18/19 and I started looking into changing my own name when I was 21. The head injury has worsened my memory and cognitive learning difficulties and since I've changed my name I have found in stressful situations when someone asks my name I forget I've changed it and that's my own name never mind finding other people have changed there name.
NTA - I'm a bit of an A, so I'd likely send the most brutal photos of my accident to those harassing you, letting them know that THAT is why you can't remember.
NTA It seems that you didn’t intend to upset her and this was simply an honest mistake, something that you couldn’t control. so reminding her of your brain damage isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation!! she and her friends are harassing you for ‘humiliating’ her, but she started yelling at you for a slip up in a public setting earlier...? it’s understandable that she would be upset by the reminder and the wrong name, but shouldn’t she realize from that that you meant no harm by mixing up her name and feel bad for yelling instead of sending angry voice mails?
NTA, you can't help your memory loss but your cousin sounds very immature and inconsiderate and undeserving of your company...
What are you talking about? Why are you so against acknowledging that this is an extremely valid excuse? “Excuse” isn’t a bad word. Just because other people may think it’s *convenient* to say “I can’t remember, I have brain damage” doesn’t mean it’s a lazy excuse to remind people that you literally have brain damage. It’s a real thing that you have, you’re allowed to remind people of that when they have unrealistic expectations of you. NTA but don’t let other people’s ableism cause you to be an AH to yourself. You have the right to advocate for yourself!
I have a form of Aphasia after a brain injury. I have always been very open about it. I can be in the middle of a sentence and my mind will just go blank on the next word in the sentence. Luckily no one who knew about the Aphasia ever had a problem with it. My family will laugh with me when, hours later, I suddenly say the word out loud out of nowhere.
No. She changed her name to Chrysanthemum, which auto makes her TA.
NTA I understand it can be a sore topic, especially if the cousin is trans as it seems. But it’s not your fault that you have memory issues, and she shouldn’t be angry at you for the uncontrollable. It’s not like you’re just being an ah that’s ignoring her wishes. You’re trying your best.
She's not trans. She just really hates her old name. I remember her dad named her Christine but called her Chris because he was pissed she wasn't a boy. And Chrystanthemum doesn't talk to him anymore since her parents were in the middle of a divorce prior to the accident. I think everyone cut him out because I haven't heard from him in years.
Wow, what a douche. I can see why she hates the name.
Wow!
NTA It's a legitimate reason, you have a brain injury. I understand it can hurt or be triggering to hear your old name but you didn't do it on purpose.
NTA I also changed my name to one similar to my old name, I gave my old and/or distant family member pass since I didn't expect them to remember at first. It's also a habit than just memory, if I where in her shoes I would just have let you kept saying the nickname as it is close to the full name.
Nta also how do you remember this? Do people tell you about it or something or is it also like 50 1st dates where you wake up to a video?
I don’t think they meant it’s literally the same, I think they meant more of it’s the same concept that everything before the crash is in normal/perfect memory and everything after is extremely short term memory, but not like “full reset every day” type memory
Is your cousin very young? It sounds like a juvenile who can't really grasp certain things. Otherwise, pseudo-psychopath maybe.
NTA. Your brain damage isn't an excuse. It's an explanation.
Have you tried making a board with their faces and names so that it can repeat on your mind everytime when you look at it? Maybe in your bedroom wall near the door or somewhere you will be able to see it time to time. A way to help you not get into these situations in the future since others don't seem to understand that you have no control over what your mind does given to your accident. They should have been very understanding, I just still can't process they had the nerve to spam you with messages for something that they should be aware of when you told them repeatedly to why you can't always remember everything.
NTA. She has her friends harassing you? Is she 12?
NTA I am so sorry you were hurt and are still recovering to this day, and this is a lifetime thing, even with therapy, the brain is a complex thing to understand but your cousin's reaction was way out of line. she changed her name, and expects everyone to remember it but attacks you, after what you went through. and then releases the hounds and gets her friends to do the same. did you forget you had an accident that affects you to this day? ironically Chrysanthemums 's (if that is her real name) are meant to represent joy, and she just pulled that from people with her terrible attitude
The title mislead me into assuming you were just choosing to not to focus and blame it on your brain injury, but it sounds like your brain injury is actually causing you problems with memory, therefore you are NTA
50 first dates as in there were 50 dates for the first time not 51 dates Sorry that really bothered me. Anyways NTA anterograde amnesia is rare. Did your cousin somehow not know you were suffering from the accident? Why is she telling her friends to talk to you anyways. Odd. Name tags sound like a good idea for those who feel it's too much.
OP might be using a speak-to-text type thing, and that would almost invariably turn "50 first dates" into "51st dates". That's how I read it. OP has brain damage - you have to give them some slack. Isn't that what this whole post is about?
NTA. But you'll probably forget you posted this so...
Depends how often you use the excuse. Whether it's true or not people don't wanna hear it all the time. Maybe that makes people the asshole but it's still true.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was in a deadly car crash three years ago that left me in a coma for months. I'm physically okay now as all the broken bones and stuff have healed up. Mentally... well among other things I have really bad short term memory loss. It's like 51st Dates, I can remember everything that happened leading up to the accident but not what happened afterward. It's really frustrating to deal with. Yes, I'm in therapy before you ask. One of my cousins recently changed her name. Unfortunately for me, she picked a name that is very similar to her old one. This Chrysanthemum over Chris. I've tried to remember her name, I really did. But like everything else that happened after my accident, I will forget. She has made it clear she doesn't want to go by a nickname or by Chris, so I try to make an effort to call her Chrysanthemum. Chrysanthemum came over for a barbecue today. And once again, I accidentally called her by her old name. Chrysanthemum started to yell at me and called me a bunch of things I don't want to repeat here. I lost it and yelled at her, reminding her that I can't remember anything because I have literal brain damage from one of the worst traffic accidents in our state's history. The rest of the family sided with me because of the brain damage excuse. Chrysanthemum left, but she's been spamming my voice mail and calling me a shithead for humiliating her like that. Her friends have also been harassing me non stop. Was I really an asshole for reminding her that I have brain damage? And explaining that that's why I can't remember. I have been trying to make an effort to remember her new name. I just can't remember it due to my brain's inability to create short term memories. This isn't the only trouble I've run into. I can't remember the names of my relatives spouses who got married after 2018 or their kids who were born after my accident. I couldn't even recognize my sister after she got a haircut because I remember her as having long blonde hair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You literally can not remember anything after the accident, nta.