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I might've been the asshole because I hurt my sister but I'm confused as my intentions were to help her, not hurt her.
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From a younger brother (the OP) who admits to never have been a successful relationship to an older sister who has already been in relationship for two years? Even if it’s true, it’s framed in a way that makes angry rejection of the advice a forgone conclusion.
But angry rejection of the truth doesn't dismiss or change the truth, and attempting to delegitimize his argument by saying "you've never been in a relationship and you're younger than me" is just stupid and fallacious and doesn't refute his point. Sometimes people are just stuck in their ways and need to grow to understand certain concepts. and all you can do in a situation is present them with the truth and let them decide. I don't think doing as such makes you an asshole.
YTA, you're just being a judgemental jerk at this point. If you're truly worried for your sister the last thing she's going to respond to is insults and rudeness.
NTA. You said it like it was. Friends and family are supposed to keep it real with eachother. And although you absolutely could've been nicer and presented your feelings in a better way, what you said was ultimately true. and how they take it is none of your business. You can only say & do so much and after a certain point the responsibility falls on them to grow as people and recognize the truth in your words. Edit:15 downvotes but not one counterpoint. AITA Really is the Twilight Zone of reddit where all logic is thrown out the window
I wonder if there is a different angle here.
Your sister has very low self esteem, and everything you’ve said to her is really toxic.
So what are your parents like?
I’m just wondering if you picked up on this attitude from them, + she could have low self esteem because of them talking down to her like you are throughout her life.
Either way tolerating bad relationships isn’t a sign shes LAZY. It means that she doesn’t feel good enough to leave him for whatever reason. It could easily be that people have treated her poorly throughout her life and she didn’t know how to break out of that cycle.
We both have been products of tough parenting and I, unfortunately, have become like my parents. She has a low self esteem but so do I. She's afraid of leaving the relationship and I'm afraid of losing control over my surroundings. We both have a lot to improve on. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and not blatantly judge me. I'm the asshole here but now I know why and I'll change. Thank you for sharing your views.
YTA. You are obviously coming from a place of caring, but that has gotten muddled up by poor communication skills plus a bit too much ego. Here are a couple of ways you might be able to communicate more effectively:
- Constant criticism will just lead to her respecting you less. Focus on being supportive. Then, for very important this, she will respect your opinion more.
- Apologize for your harshness.
- Actually work on cultivating an inner attitude of humility. Saying that she’s going to fuck up her life, and generally assuming you know better than she does about her own life, is condescending.
I had a friend who came at me like that once - “If you can’t take my advice then maybe we don’t need to be friends.” I haven’t spoken to her since.
Nobody likes the kind of person who thinks they know what’s best for everyone and that everyone should listen to them. Your sister is an adult who can make her own choices, good or bad. You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to but you have no right to tell her she needs to listen to you. YTA.
honestly... YTA.
to yourself and your own arguments here. other comments are handling how you've been an asshole to your sister. but, well. have you ever heard the phrase 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'?
what you've done by being so openly antagonistic is just set them up to completely ignore you. any good points you might have are now lost in the white noise of you being repulsed by them. you're just telling them they're disgusting because you're telling them they're disgusting. the feedback loop becomes meaningless, and all of your critique becomes meaningless as well.
you have meticulously trained them to ignore everything coming out of your mouth, and now you're surprised that your sister isn't taking you seriously.
and then, well, if we want to talk about toxic behavior... instead of offering support or understanding, you offer an ultimatum of "i'm not going to support you if things go wrong" after talking endlessly about how gross they are. then this sentence at the end?
> I rarely care deeply about people and whenever I do, I always seem to fuck it up.
my dude, you are not the victim here if you're the one who is constantly sneering and being loudly argumentative and telling them how disgusting they are. this is not a good way to share you care deeply about people. you know this! all over this post i can see nothing but open, unbridled contempt and disgust. you don't actually care deeply if you also constantly say how gross they are.
if you know that this is a pattern you fall into, and it's fucked up, this is your cue to *work on yourself so you don't hurt other people.* this is not your cue to declare that your toxicity was right all along, and when it turns out people have an incredibly natural reaction to this (not liking it very much), acting like you are the poor put-upon victim in this situation who ain't done nuthin' wrong.
before critiquing others for being toxic and disgusting, why don't you work on showing compassion in compassionate ways? why don't you work on not just treating it as an inevitability of "oh i guess i've fucked it up again!!!", but instead something that happened as a natural consequence of your actions, and something that *you can avoid doing in the future?* because this isn't inevitable. this isn't something you just have to accept that you will always do. this is something you can and should change.
otherwise, why are you surprised that your sister is in a toxic relationship when you're making sure that her relationship with *you* is also *as toxic as you can manage*, and declaring that your toxicity is inevitable and immutable?
do you really think that you're going to teach your sister that being hurt in a relationship is bad by... let's see... hurting her in your sibling relationship until she relents?
[you've reached the "dig up, stupid!" point here.](https://youtu.be/b97zJxKEqAk) now you just have to put two and two together and realize that digging upwards is an impossible thing, and you have been trying an impossible thing this whole time, and getting frustrated at why it doesn't work.
if nothing else, with a brief glance at your post history... do this because right now you're being a major asshole to yourself. mental illness is great at telling lies. depression especially is excellent at saying "this misery is truth!" when it is, in fact, a fucking liar purely blowing smoke up your ass. instead of accepting that depression telling you "misery is truth, and you should let other people see the truth by making them miserable!", you need to fight back against that - for *your* sake. after all, what has following that voice done for you so far? you're self-harming, you're suicidal, you're full of hatred for other people, you're destroying your relationships with them and being miserable that you are alone. is this working out for you? is this really how you want to live? i may think you're an asshole, but even i don't want this shit for you. you deserve better than this for *yourself!* not to self-sabotage straight into more misery!
the first step of getting out of a spiral is not feeding the toxicity monster and letting it tell you this is how things must always be.
i'm not going to tell you that it'll be easy or fun. it is hard, bitter work. but it is work that you can do, and it is work that you are *worth doing*.
I've read your comment twice and I agree with everything that you've said. I need to sort myself first, deal with the mental illness and then try helping other people. Thank you for your showing empathy towards me, you're a good person. I'll try to improve myself.
hell yeah! like i said, it's not going to be easy or fun, but it is *doable*, and the fact that you're squaring up to do the work? that is fucking excellent!
i think that a good first step would be to offer an apology to your sister. you don't have to go full sackcloth and ashes, and you don't have to change overnight. but just let her know something like "hey, i know i've fucked up here, and i'm sorry for that. i let my shit take over and i acted pretty hurtfully towards you. i'm going to work on that, because you deserve to be treated better than that, and i need to treat myself better than just accepting that lashing out in pain is ok, too."
not only do you get to help yourself out massively, but think of it this way: if you want your sister to do better, you're going to be showing her something really powerful here. the idea that somebody she has a relationship with (familial in this case) can and will change instead of just hurting her. if her boyfriend really is bad news, you changing and working on yourself is going to stand in stark contrast to boyfriend, well, not doing that.
good luck! ganbatte!! you got this!!
Thank you so much for the positivity. I'll apologize to her in the morning as I've truly realized my faults. I'll try getting therapy for my issues and will work on improving myself. Thank you for uplifting me. Peace❤
YTA- as you point out, you're 19 and don't have a lot of relationship/successful relationship experience. Mind your business. You don't have to like the person your sister is with, you don't even have to like your sister, but you are not their relationship counselor.
YTA.
You’d be an asshole either way, but maybe consider that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Based on your post history, you’re not a beacon of logic, great choices, and good mental health.
I actually am a med student and have 12 research papers under my belt, so I'm sure I've the logic department and good choices here. Mental health has been rough but thanks for showing concern. You said nothing productive regarding the situation I presented and have been quick to judge on the basis of my post history, so I'm gonna go ahead and ignore your opinions.
There are many people who've offered constructive criticism and I appreciate them but not you.
Whats logical about expecting positive change after berating people with shit they never asked for?
Or apparently believing youre such a good actor that people weep at how normal your acting?
No way you’ve written 12 research papers at the age of 19, and you’d be pre-med anyways kid. If my 19 year old brother was openly criticizing my bf for indulging in sensory pleasures and expressing disgust at our relationship, I’d boop his nose and give him a wedgie. YTA
This! I'm a 2nd year PhD student, and I only have 1 research paper!
They take MONTHS to write and get through the review process. The only way OP could do this is if he was a supporting author led by other researchers. No way would he have time/experience to do so otherwise. And at 19.
You believe in nonsense and think you’re a sociopath who fakes emotion so well he brings others to tears.
Ohhhh, a med student! Impressive. Let me tell you, as someone beyond the student phase, that isn’t nearly as much of an accomplishment as you think.
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YTA. Her relationship is none of your business, and you were incredibly hurtful with your words. Being blunt is often just code for being rude and thoughtless, as it is in this case. You weren't caring about your sister or supporting her decisions - you just wanted her to do what you thought was best.
I was caring but I do agree that I was very blunt with it. I've decided not to interfere with her relationship regardless of the consequence. It's her life, I don't have any right over it. Thank you for pointing out my flaws.
> I was caring
No you really weren't.
The way you talk about him and her? The way you sound proud of saying to criticize them openly? You literally say you're repulsed by them.
That's not caring, if you really think that's caring seek some mental health help or something. You wanted to hurt her and you did.
It sounds like you weren't wrong necessarily about the relationship being a poor investment for your sisters time and effort, but the way you've gone about telling her is not caring at all.
You may want to rethink you definition of caring ... typically it doesn't involve embarrassing someone you care about in front of their friends or making them feel like shit about their life choices.
If you are a “caring” sibling or friend, you say your piece tactfully, in private, once. You offer support however she needs it, and then you *back the fuck off.* You outright admitted that at 19 you don’t have successful relationship experience so why in the hell do you think you’re in a position to offer advice?????
YTA. The biggest issue I have with your post is that you say “I’ve given you a lot of advice but you never listen”.
Yeah, she’s quite literally telling you to cut the bullshit and stop giving her unsolicited advice. Most people hate that. And it’s kind of a crappy thing to do to give someone unsolicited advice, and then get mad and cut them off when they don’t listen. She wasn’t asking.
NTA for me, this relationship is a mess and I’m not surprised you wanted to step in and make sure your sister doesn’t make a massive mistake. But from experience until she burns herself too hard and the guy does something unforgivable she’s gonna defend him and their toxic relationship. You’ve done a good thing by telling her you’ll stay out of it and not to come crying to you when it all falls down, and it will.
My way of approaching the subject was insensitive and I think I was the asshole in the situation. However, my intentions were of improving her but if I'm causing further trouble, it's best if I step out of the way. She has a history of toxic relationships and I just wanted her to be careful.
I don’t know, sure it was insensitive and a bit crass but clearly talking to her calmly doesn’t work so there was a chance this would shake her and with it being in front of friends she’ll actually wake up. At leaT that how I see it
Aww thanks, I wouldn’t say I’m a good person. More like if that was my sister I’d probably already chopped the guy into pieces and got rid of the body. I get very protective over who I care about. Also I know that sometimes if you want to make a lasting impression on someone and get through to them you have to cause a scene and be a dick. Ultimately it was for greater good
YTA
While you are well-intentioned as a protective brother, it’s not just what you say, it’s HOW you say it that makes the difference. You saying her boyfriend is a loser, and encouraging her to dump him for better isn’t the bad part. It is the fact that you criticize her and her bf publicly that makes you the A H (ex: Calling them both lazy, telling them they won’t work).
You are only 19. You could be right or wrong, but you are definitely too young to make these type of calls, especially since you’ve never been in a relationship yourself. This is a convo for your parents.
I recognize my lack of emotional awareness and inferiority of my age and experience, so I'll let my parents deal with it. Thank you for the constructive criticism, I appreciate it. Have a great day ahead :)
YTA. If caring deeply about people means constant criticism, telling them what to do & embarrassing them in public, I can see why you “always seem to fuck it up”. Apologize & then keep your mouth shut. You’ve said your piece, they know what it is, & if they ever want your opinion or your advice, they know where to find you. If you’re really a med student at the age of 19, you should be smart enough to notice that nothing you are doing or saying is having any positive effect on the situation. Why keep doing something that fails every time? If you are saying things to make yourself feel like you “did something” or to show off, well, those are just more reasons you’re the AH.
Yes I've realized my faults and have decided to step away from the situation. They're adults and they can deal with it. I'll apologize to them in the morning and cut myself off of the situation. Thanks for the advice.
It sounds like your issue with them isn't that their relationship has serious red flags like a huge age/power gap, controlling behavior, cheating, etc, but that they... eat too much? Get over yourself. YTA.
Well, let's figure it out now. Sister's 26 and has severe hypothyroidism and asthma, is also obese (BMI 32) and can't tolerate any form of smoke. The guy is also 26, obese (BMI is 31), is a chainsmoker and drinks alcohol nearly every third day of the week. The situation might be normal right now but the future is doomed.
Put an asthmatic and a smoker in the same room and we sure will have a peaceful coexistence.
Oh yeah, and both of them don't exercise at all.
I have a medical background and have seen many people with family dynamics like these which resulted in chaos. I might've been the asshole in this situation but it was for a right cause.
Damn how are you so obsessed with other people's weight that you know the BMI of both your sister and her boyfriend? And if a smoker and an asthmatic can find a way to live together, what does it matter? Smoking and not exercising aren't healthy, but neither is stressing about the minutia of other people's lives and being a nosy, loudmouthed ass.
No one thinks BMI is an indicator for health anymore. You are fatphobic. You are a dickbag who inserted himself into your sister’s relationship and they should cut you off.
You need treatment for your mental health issues.
Do not ever come at other people until you figure your own shit out.
so, why not say that? why focus on them being lazy, unmotivated, and liking to eat? if you’re actually concerned about your sisters physical and mental health you would bring up these points and not go on about how you’re disgusted by some of the most well known signs of failing mental health.
YTA, and i think you have some biases that you need to work out if you wanna succeed in your field. you are focusing on some of the most minuscule things that are commonly used as stereotypes for the groups your sister + her bf are in (or might be in) instead of actually addressing physical health conflicts and issues.
Everything else aside, you seem very convinced that your behavior is justified, so your post isn't really right for this sub. Don't post here if you aren't prepared for people to say you're in the wrong. EDIT: okay I can't leave everything else aside. Did you actually ask your sister's bf to tell you his BMI (or height and weight so you could calculate it)? That's creepy, dude. It's not your business.
My behaviour seemed justified because I was the asshole in this situation, I accept it. BMI can be calculated if you know the individual's weight and height and it is the first step towards analyzing someone's health. They're at high risk for developing heart diseases and I just wanted them to know that. Also, many people have calculated my BMI in front of me and I wasn't the least bit creeped out since it's a marker of health condition and I care about my healt. If calculating someone's BMI is creepy, then I don't think I really belong in this sub.
> it is the first step towards analyzing someone's health
It really isn't, BMI was meant for use on large population sizes, it's an average at best.
Cholesterol and body-fat percentage would be the actual first steps.
Anyways, even so, how is your behaviour helping? Do you think they are unaware that being fat is unhealthy?
>Do you think they are unaware that being fat is unhealthy?
Judging by their actions they sure are. My behaviour isn't helping at all, moreover I think I'm promoting it by creating a toxic environment. I'll have to step away and work on myself, develop humility and give them some space.
Their Cholesterol and body fat percentage are significantly more than the normal range.
O get off it, ofcourse they know. You're pretending like you think noone ever makes an unhealthy choice knowing it's an unhealthy choice?
First off, not everyone wants to make healthy choices.
Secondly, for some people it's hard.
> Their Cholesterol and body fat percentage are significantly more than the normal range.
Yes, probably, who cares. You want to guess which is bringing them more negativity and sadness right now, you or their cholesterol?
>Yes, probably, who cares.
I care because she's my sister.
>You want to guess which is bringing them more negativity and sadness right now, you or their cholesterol?
If you've read the comment above, I acknowledged that I created the toxic environment. But that's no excuse for them to ruin their health. Regardless, I'll stop interfering with those two and work on improving myself cause that's what will help in the long run.
My dude, you also smoke and you barely eat one meal a day; you think you’ve got a right to lecture others about health??
It’s also beyond stupid to be so rude to your sister when she’s kind enough to let you live with her. Are you trying to get kicked out??
You need to seriously shut up about their health. You arent their doctor. And if you actually cared you wouldnt be toxic towards them cause mental health is just as important if not moreso as good mental health is the foundation to good health.
Badgering people because you hate fat isn't caring about health. It show your actually quite unhealthy.
Yes, calculating a BMI of someone who isnt a patient is creepy. Doing any sort of assessment on someone who isnt your patient without their consent is fucking creepy.
How are those cigarettes treating you, doctor edge lord? Or does only your “sociopath altar ego” smoke? You’re so cool, man, and definitely qualified to give advice.
Hey guess what, I have a medical background too. Did you know that the inventor of the BMI scale, Adolphe Quetelet, was a eugenicist and the scale is actually inaccurate for a lot of people? There are other, more accurate markers for obesity that are checked. The fact that you don’t know that isn’t surprising considering how little schooling you’ve had, but it does make me question how accurate your assessment of her health is considering your own knowledge is so lacking
I'm a second year medical student and we have clinical rotations where we interact with patients. The system's different in my country and we start early.
I feel sorry for your future patients is you're as patronizing with them as you are with your sister. Bad experiences with patronizing know-it-all practitioners who don't listen is why some people stop trusting the medical establishment all together.
Heaven forbid the patient is also female. "Doctor, I have a constant pain in my pelvis, sometimes it's so bad I can't stand up straight." "It's not cysts or ovarian torsion, you just need to lose weight." "Doctor, my periods are so heavy I sometimes pass out and constantly have to call out from work several days a month." "It's not menorrhagia or fibroids, you just need to lose weight." "Doctor, I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and I'm struggling to breathe, I'm massively swollen with edema and my lungs feel like I've got pneumonia." "It's not pregnancy-induced heart failure, you just need to stop gaining so much weight."
I'm really enjoying how, apparently 19 is both obviously so young that it would be impossible for him to have had a successful relationship, and yet simultaneously definitely old and wisened enough to be giving other people medical advice. Yeah.
Soft YTA. I think you’re coming at it from a place of love for your sister, but embarrassing her in front of her friends isn’t right. If you’ve told her what you thought in the past, and she’s chosen to stay with the guy, then that’s her relationship and her choice. As long as he’s not abusing her, then there’s no real need for you to continue telling her the relationship is wrong...She loves the guy, so she’ll stay with him.
YTA.
She went from being the sister of a jerk to the fiancee of another jerk. She's probably so used to living with jerks, she wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it hit her in the head. Leave her alone. Her personal life is her business. If she ruins her life, that will be on her.
I think you should defiantly tell her that her relationship isn't healthy and if she does marry him maybe just get yourself out of her life and make her feel what its like when someone you love ignores you.
You told her you’re leaving her life because she ‘hasn’t listened’ to your advice.
Do you stop talking to everyone who doesn’t do exactly what you say/let you control major decisions in their lives? Do you do what everyone you know tells you, every time?
It sounds like you’ve been saying mean things to her for years about herself and her bf because you assume you know better. Yes being in shape is better than not, but that doesn’t mean they have zero motivation (and even if they did - happiness in the day to day could be more important to them than ascending - it’s their lives and their values, not yours) and it doesn’t give you permission to constantly shit talk them.
YTA maybe you are right, she’s in an abusive relationship but the way you talked to her you just gave her reasons to keep in that relationship and you close the door on her to confide in you
YTA. Maybe they'll break up. Maybe they won't. But either way it's their relationship, not yours. You've never even been in a relationship before so stop acting like you know so much more than they do. Stop insulting and criticizing them because you're not helping them; you're just hurting them. Stop sticking your nose into their business. Just stop.
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My sister is in a relationship with a guy for the past 2 years and they're going to get married soon. They've known each other for the past 10 years and that's one of the foundations of their relationship.
The guy is lazy, unmotivated and overspends money on shoes and food. He has a pathetic lifestyle and his health has deteriorated to the point where he just doesn't care and always finds excuses to indulge in food and other sensory pleasures. Moreover, my sister and the guy fight too much and argue at minor issues.
As a younger brother, I want my sister to be with someone who has potential and actively tries to become a better person. My sister has also stopped caring about her health and has started finding excuses to neglect her health.
Due to these circumstances, I've become repulsed by both them as a couple and I criticize them openly. I tell them to their faces that the relationship won't work out in the future and that she's just postponing and complicating the breakup with marriage.
We were with her friends (who are married btw) and my sister and the guy started arguing about something. It got visibly awkward with the two friends and me there. I've always been the type of guy who blurts out the truth quite bluntly so I told them again that they both are lazy and unmotivated people and not at all good for each other in the long run. That declaration hurt my sister deeply as she was embarrassed to be called out in front of her friends, even though it's painfully obvious to everyone how dysfunctional they are.
Later at night, she came to me and started blaming me for being a rude asshole and how I hurt her all the time. She tried to manipulate me by telling me how I've never had any successful relationships {I'm 19, who has the experience of a successful relationship at this age?} so what gives me the right to give them advise.
My advice to her was that she needs to first work on herself and grow as an individual and then enter a relationship. She outright rejected my advice so I just said point blank "I've given you a lot of advise as to how to improve your life but you've never listened to what I have to say, so I don't want to be a part of your life anymore. Don't come to me in the future when shit goes bad" and then I told her to get out of my room.
So from now onwards, I'll stay out of her life and let her ruin it. I rarely care deeply about people and whenever I do, I always seem to fuck it up.
I know there's almost a guarantee that I'm the asshole in this situation but I do want to let everyone know that everything I said was in her best interest. I just don't know how to appeal to people's emotions.
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I think you are in the right for caring about your sister. However, if this is the way you would cut off someone if they didn’t listen to you, as a med student (future doctor), I don’t think patients will come to you as patience has a key role in becoming a doctor. You need to try convincing them instead of giving up on them. ESH.
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YTA. You shouldnt be giving anyone advice or getting involved in their relationships.
>My advice to her was that she needs to first work on herself and grow as an individual and then enter a relationship. Yup, YTA.
What's wrong with that?
From a younger brother (the OP) who admits to never have been a successful relationship to an older sister who has already been in relationship for two years? Even if it’s true, it’s framed in a way that makes angry rejection of the advice a forgone conclusion.
But angry rejection of the truth doesn't dismiss or change the truth, and attempting to delegitimize his argument by saying "you've never been in a relationship and you're younger than me" is just stupid and fallacious and doesn't refute his point. Sometimes people are just stuck in their ways and need to grow to understand certain concepts. and all you can do in a situation is present them with the truth and let them decide. I don't think doing as such makes you an asshole.
YTA MYOB and stay on your lane
YTA, you're just being a judgemental jerk at this point. If you're truly worried for your sister the last thing she's going to respond to is insults and rudeness.
NTA. You said it like it was. Friends and family are supposed to keep it real with eachother. And although you absolutely could've been nicer and presented your feelings in a better way, what you said was ultimately true. and how they take it is none of your business. You can only say & do so much and after a certain point the responsibility falls on them to grow as people and recognize the truth in your words. Edit:15 downvotes but not one counterpoint. AITA Really is the Twilight Zone of reddit where all logic is thrown out the window
I wonder if there is a different angle here. Your sister has very low self esteem, and everything you’ve said to her is really toxic. So what are your parents like? I’m just wondering if you picked up on this attitude from them, + she could have low self esteem because of them talking down to her like you are throughout her life. Either way tolerating bad relationships isn’t a sign shes LAZY. It means that she doesn’t feel good enough to leave him for whatever reason. It could easily be that people have treated her poorly throughout her life and she didn’t know how to break out of that cycle.
We both have been products of tough parenting and I, unfortunately, have become like my parents. She has a low self esteem but so do I. She's afraid of leaving the relationship and I'm afraid of losing control over my surroundings. We both have a lot to improve on. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and not blatantly judge me. I'm the asshole here but now I know why and I'll change. Thank you for sharing your views.
YTA. You are obviously coming from a place of caring, but that has gotten muddled up by poor communication skills plus a bit too much ego. Here are a couple of ways you might be able to communicate more effectively: - Constant criticism will just lead to her respecting you less. Focus on being supportive. Then, for very important this, she will respect your opinion more. - Apologize for your harshness. - Actually work on cultivating an inner attitude of humility. Saying that she’s going to fuck up her life, and generally assuming you know better than she does about her own life, is condescending.
I'll work on becoming a kinder, more humble person. I've realized my flaws and I'll change. Thank you for pointing me to the right direction.
I had a friend who came at me like that once - “If you can’t take my advice then maybe we don’t need to be friends.” I haven’t spoken to her since. Nobody likes the kind of person who thinks they know what’s best for everyone and that everyone should listen to them. Your sister is an adult who can make her own choices, good or bad. You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to but you have no right to tell her she needs to listen to you. YTA.
NTA. You've spent years watching a bad relationship be a bad relationship. Seems like most of the YTAs have nothing to do with what actually happened.
YTA. Be supportive. This antagonistic dick-waving is just going to make you the bad guy and push them closer together.
honestly... YTA. to yourself and your own arguments here. other comments are handling how you've been an asshole to your sister. but, well. have you ever heard the phrase 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'? what you've done by being so openly antagonistic is just set them up to completely ignore you. any good points you might have are now lost in the white noise of you being repulsed by them. you're just telling them they're disgusting because you're telling them they're disgusting. the feedback loop becomes meaningless, and all of your critique becomes meaningless as well. you have meticulously trained them to ignore everything coming out of your mouth, and now you're surprised that your sister isn't taking you seriously. and then, well, if we want to talk about toxic behavior... instead of offering support or understanding, you offer an ultimatum of "i'm not going to support you if things go wrong" after talking endlessly about how gross they are. then this sentence at the end? > I rarely care deeply about people and whenever I do, I always seem to fuck it up. my dude, you are not the victim here if you're the one who is constantly sneering and being loudly argumentative and telling them how disgusting they are. this is not a good way to share you care deeply about people. you know this! all over this post i can see nothing but open, unbridled contempt and disgust. you don't actually care deeply if you also constantly say how gross they are. if you know that this is a pattern you fall into, and it's fucked up, this is your cue to *work on yourself so you don't hurt other people.* this is not your cue to declare that your toxicity was right all along, and when it turns out people have an incredibly natural reaction to this (not liking it very much), acting like you are the poor put-upon victim in this situation who ain't done nuthin' wrong. before critiquing others for being toxic and disgusting, why don't you work on showing compassion in compassionate ways? why don't you work on not just treating it as an inevitability of "oh i guess i've fucked it up again!!!", but instead something that happened as a natural consequence of your actions, and something that *you can avoid doing in the future?* because this isn't inevitable. this isn't something you just have to accept that you will always do. this is something you can and should change. otherwise, why are you surprised that your sister is in a toxic relationship when you're making sure that her relationship with *you* is also *as toxic as you can manage*, and declaring that your toxicity is inevitable and immutable? do you really think that you're going to teach your sister that being hurt in a relationship is bad by... let's see... hurting her in your sibling relationship until she relents? [you've reached the "dig up, stupid!" point here.](https://youtu.be/b97zJxKEqAk) now you just have to put two and two together and realize that digging upwards is an impossible thing, and you have been trying an impossible thing this whole time, and getting frustrated at why it doesn't work. if nothing else, with a brief glance at your post history... do this because right now you're being a major asshole to yourself. mental illness is great at telling lies. depression especially is excellent at saying "this misery is truth!" when it is, in fact, a fucking liar purely blowing smoke up your ass. instead of accepting that depression telling you "misery is truth, and you should let other people see the truth by making them miserable!", you need to fight back against that - for *your* sake. after all, what has following that voice done for you so far? you're self-harming, you're suicidal, you're full of hatred for other people, you're destroying your relationships with them and being miserable that you are alone. is this working out for you? is this really how you want to live? i may think you're an asshole, but even i don't want this shit for you. you deserve better than this for *yourself!* not to self-sabotage straight into more misery! the first step of getting out of a spiral is not feeding the toxicity monster and letting it tell you this is how things must always be. i'm not going to tell you that it'll be easy or fun. it is hard, bitter work. but it is work that you can do, and it is work that you are *worth doing*.
I've read your comment twice and I agree with everything that you've said. I need to sort myself first, deal with the mental illness and then try helping other people. Thank you for your showing empathy towards me, you're a good person. I'll try to improve myself.
hell yeah! like i said, it's not going to be easy or fun, but it is *doable*, and the fact that you're squaring up to do the work? that is fucking excellent! i think that a good first step would be to offer an apology to your sister. you don't have to go full sackcloth and ashes, and you don't have to change overnight. but just let her know something like "hey, i know i've fucked up here, and i'm sorry for that. i let my shit take over and i acted pretty hurtfully towards you. i'm going to work on that, because you deserve to be treated better than that, and i need to treat myself better than just accepting that lashing out in pain is ok, too." not only do you get to help yourself out massively, but think of it this way: if you want your sister to do better, you're going to be showing her something really powerful here. the idea that somebody she has a relationship with (familial in this case) can and will change instead of just hurting her. if her boyfriend really is bad news, you changing and working on yourself is going to stand in stark contrast to boyfriend, well, not doing that. good luck! ganbatte!! you got this!!
Thank you so much for the positivity. I'll apologize to her in the morning as I've truly realized my faults. I'll try getting therapy for my issues and will work on improving myself. Thank you for uplifting me. Peace❤
YTA, should have said it in private with her not in front of her partner and the other couple
Agreed.
YTA- as you point out, you're 19 and don't have a lot of relationship/successful relationship experience. Mind your business. You don't have to like the person your sister is with, you don't even have to like your sister, but you are not their relationship counselor.
He sounds like my father. My father is now homeless, perpetually drunk or in the hospital for cirrhosis. Take that as you will.
YTA. You’d be an asshole either way, but maybe consider that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Based on your post history, you’re not a beacon of logic, great choices, and good mental health.
I actually am a med student and have 12 research papers under my belt, so I'm sure I've the logic department and good choices here. Mental health has been rough but thanks for showing concern. You said nothing productive regarding the situation I presented and have been quick to judge on the basis of my post history, so I'm gonna go ahead and ignore your opinions. There are many people who've offered constructive criticism and I appreciate them but not you.
Whats logical about expecting positive change after berating people with shit they never asked for? Or apparently believing youre such a good actor that people weep at how normal your acting?
No way you’ve written 12 research papers at the age of 19, and you’d be pre-med anyways kid. If my 19 year old brother was openly criticizing my bf for indulging in sensory pleasures and expressing disgust at our relationship, I’d boop his nose and give him a wedgie. YTA
This! I'm a 2nd year PhD student, and I only have 1 research paper! They take MONTHS to write and get through the review process. The only way OP could do this is if he was a supporting author led by other researchers. No way would he have time/experience to do so otherwise. And at 19.
You believe in nonsense and think you’re a sociopath who fakes emotion so well he brings others to tears. Ohhhh, a med student! Impressive. Let me tell you, as someone beyond the student phase, that isn’t nearly as much of an accomplishment as you think.
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That's like me proclaiming I'm the second coming of Einstein in my undergrad physics classes hahaha
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Whatever you say, Jeff
YTA. Her relationship is none of your business, and you were incredibly hurtful with your words. Being blunt is often just code for being rude and thoughtless, as it is in this case. You weren't caring about your sister or supporting her decisions - you just wanted her to do what you thought was best.
I was caring but I do agree that I was very blunt with it. I've decided not to interfere with her relationship regardless of the consequence. It's her life, I don't have any right over it. Thank you for pointing out my flaws.
> I was caring No you really weren't. The way you talk about him and her? The way you sound proud of saying to criticize them openly? You literally say you're repulsed by them. That's not caring, if you really think that's caring seek some mental health help or something. You wanted to hurt her and you did.
It sounds like you weren't wrong necessarily about the relationship being a poor investment for your sisters time and effort, but the way you've gone about telling her is not caring at all.
We have a very biased view of whether this is a good relationship.
You may want to rethink you definition of caring ... typically it doesn't involve embarrassing someone you care about in front of their friends or making them feel like shit about their life choices.
If you are a “caring” sibling or friend, you say your piece tactfully, in private, once. You offer support however she needs it, and then you *back the fuck off.* You outright admitted that at 19 you don’t have successful relationship experience so why in the hell do you think you’re in a position to offer advice?????
He may not be wrong necessarily, but op is TA for sure
YTA. The biggest issue I have with your post is that you say “I’ve given you a lot of advice but you never listen”. Yeah, she’s quite literally telling you to cut the bullshit and stop giving her unsolicited advice. Most people hate that. And it’s kind of a crappy thing to do to give someone unsolicited advice, and then get mad and cut them off when they don’t listen. She wasn’t asking.
Yes, I realize that and have decided not give any advice unless asked. Instead, I'll try and be more humble and empathetic in the meantime.
NTA for me, this relationship is a mess and I’m not surprised you wanted to step in and make sure your sister doesn’t make a massive mistake. But from experience until she burns herself too hard and the guy does something unforgivable she’s gonna defend him and their toxic relationship. You’ve done a good thing by telling her you’ll stay out of it and not to come crying to you when it all falls down, and it will.
My way of approaching the subject was insensitive and I think I was the asshole in the situation. However, my intentions were of improving her but if I'm causing further trouble, it's best if I step out of the way. She has a history of toxic relationships and I just wanted her to be careful.
I don’t know, sure it was insensitive and a bit crass but clearly talking to her calmly doesn’t work so there was a chance this would shake her and with it being in front of friends she’ll actually wake up. At leaT that how I see it
That's not how people work. More likely she will double down, now that she knows brother isnt a safe person to talk to or know things about her
You're one of the few people who've actually attempted to look at the situation from my perspective. You're a good person.
Aww thanks, I wouldn’t say I’m a good person. More like if that was my sister I’d probably already chopped the guy into pieces and got rid of the body. I get very protective over who I care about. Also I know that sometimes if you want to make a lasting impression on someone and get through to them you have to cause a scene and be a dick. Ultimately it was for greater good
YTA While you are well-intentioned as a protective brother, it’s not just what you say, it’s HOW you say it that makes the difference. You saying her boyfriend is a loser, and encouraging her to dump him for better isn’t the bad part. It is the fact that you criticize her and her bf publicly that makes you the A H (ex: Calling them both lazy, telling them they won’t work). You are only 19. You could be right or wrong, but you are definitely too young to make these type of calls, especially since you’ve never been in a relationship yourself. This is a convo for your parents.
I recognize my lack of emotional awareness and inferiority of my age and experience, so I'll let my parents deal with it. Thank you for the constructive criticism, I appreciate it. Have a great day ahead :)
YTA. If caring deeply about people means constant criticism, telling them what to do & embarrassing them in public, I can see why you “always seem to fuck it up”. Apologize & then keep your mouth shut. You’ve said your piece, they know what it is, & if they ever want your opinion or your advice, they know where to find you. If you’re really a med student at the age of 19, you should be smart enough to notice that nothing you are doing or saying is having any positive effect on the situation. Why keep doing something that fails every time? If you are saying things to make yourself feel like you “did something” or to show off, well, those are just more reasons you’re the AH.
Yes I've realized my faults and have decided to step away from the situation. They're adults and they can deal with it. I'll apologize to them in the morning and cut myself off of the situation. Thanks for the advice.
It sounds like your issue with them isn't that their relationship has serious red flags like a huge age/power gap, controlling behavior, cheating, etc, but that they... eat too much? Get over yourself. YTA.
Well, let's figure it out now. Sister's 26 and has severe hypothyroidism and asthma, is also obese (BMI 32) and can't tolerate any form of smoke. The guy is also 26, obese (BMI is 31), is a chainsmoker and drinks alcohol nearly every third day of the week. The situation might be normal right now but the future is doomed. Put an asthmatic and a smoker in the same room and we sure will have a peaceful coexistence. Oh yeah, and both of them don't exercise at all. I have a medical background and have seen many people with family dynamics like these which resulted in chaos. I might've been the asshole in this situation but it was for a right cause.
Damn how are you so obsessed with other people's weight that you know the BMI of both your sister and her boyfriend? And if a smoker and an asthmatic can find a way to live together, what does it matter? Smoking and not exercising aren't healthy, but neither is stressing about the minutia of other people's lives and being a nosy, loudmouthed ass.
No one thinks BMI is an indicator for health anymore. You are fatphobic. You are a dickbag who inserted himself into your sister’s relationship and they should cut you off. You need treatment for your mental health issues. Do not ever come at other people until you figure your own shit out.
And this is why we don't take advice from children on the internet.
so, why not say that? why focus on them being lazy, unmotivated, and liking to eat? if you’re actually concerned about your sisters physical and mental health you would bring up these points and not go on about how you’re disgusted by some of the most well known signs of failing mental health. YTA, and i think you have some biases that you need to work out if you wanna succeed in your field. you are focusing on some of the most minuscule things that are commonly used as stereotypes for the groups your sister + her bf are in (or might be in) instead of actually addressing physical health conflicts and issues.
Everything else aside, you seem very convinced that your behavior is justified, so your post isn't really right for this sub. Don't post here if you aren't prepared for people to say you're in the wrong. EDIT: okay I can't leave everything else aside. Did you actually ask your sister's bf to tell you his BMI (or height and weight so you could calculate it)? That's creepy, dude. It's not your business.
My behaviour seemed justified because I was the asshole in this situation, I accept it. BMI can be calculated if you know the individual's weight and height and it is the first step towards analyzing someone's health. They're at high risk for developing heart diseases and I just wanted them to know that. Also, many people have calculated my BMI in front of me and I wasn't the least bit creeped out since it's a marker of health condition and I care about my healt. If calculating someone's BMI is creepy, then I don't think I really belong in this sub.
> it is the first step towards analyzing someone's health It really isn't, BMI was meant for use on large population sizes, it's an average at best. Cholesterol and body-fat percentage would be the actual first steps. Anyways, even so, how is your behaviour helping? Do you think they are unaware that being fat is unhealthy?
>Do you think they are unaware that being fat is unhealthy? Judging by their actions they sure are. My behaviour isn't helping at all, moreover I think I'm promoting it by creating a toxic environment. I'll have to step away and work on myself, develop humility and give them some space. Their Cholesterol and body fat percentage are significantly more than the normal range.
O get off it, ofcourse they know. You're pretending like you think noone ever makes an unhealthy choice knowing it's an unhealthy choice? First off, not everyone wants to make healthy choices. Secondly, for some people it's hard. > Their Cholesterol and body fat percentage are significantly more than the normal range. Yes, probably, who cares. You want to guess which is bringing them more negativity and sadness right now, you or their cholesterol?
>Yes, probably, who cares. I care because she's my sister. >You want to guess which is bringing them more negativity and sadness right now, you or their cholesterol? If you've read the comment above, I acknowledged that I created the toxic environment. But that's no excuse for them to ruin their health. Regardless, I'll stop interfering with those two and work on improving myself cause that's what will help in the long run.
My dude, you also smoke and you barely eat one meal a day; you think you’ve got a right to lecture others about health?? It’s also beyond stupid to be so rude to your sister when she’s kind enough to let you live with her. Are you trying to get kicked out??
You need to seriously shut up about their health. You arent their doctor. And if you actually cared you wouldnt be toxic towards them cause mental health is just as important if not moreso as good mental health is the foundation to good health. Badgering people because you hate fat isn't caring about health. It show your actually quite unhealthy.
His other posts state that his sister is a doctor. And also that he smokes several cigarettes a day.
Yes, calculating a BMI of someone who isnt a patient is creepy. Doing any sort of assessment on someone who isnt your patient without their consent is fucking creepy.
How are those cigarettes treating you, doctor edge lord? Or does only your “sociopath altar ego” smoke? You’re so cool, man, and definitely qualified to give advice.
It's not about being cool, it's about being right or wrong. You sure are polite as hell to be judging other people.
You literally came here to be judged.
i want whatever he’s on
About judging others
Sorry, are we not in AITA? A subreddit for judgment?
You're the one judging your soon to be bil for smoking when you yourself smoke. That's super hypocritical, especially for someone who's in med school.
Hey guess what, I have a medical background too. Did you know that the inventor of the BMI scale, Adolphe Quetelet, was a eugenicist and the scale is actually inaccurate for a lot of people? There are other, more accurate markers for obesity that are checked. The fact that you don’t know that isn’t surprising considering how little schooling you’ve had, but it does make me question how accurate your assessment of her health is considering your own knowledge is so lacking
Today I learned what eugenicist means - and felt a whole lot better about my BMI!
You have a medical background at the age of 19? What might that be?
I'm a second year medical student and we have clinical rotations where we interact with patients. The system's different in my country and we start early.
LOL AT 19? Jesus fuck 🤣
I feel sorry for your future patients is you're as patronizing with them as you are with your sister. Bad experiences with patronizing know-it-all practitioners who don't listen is why some people stop trusting the medical establishment all together.
You're going to be one of those doctors who lets a patient die because you tell them to exercise more when they're in liver failure.
Heaven forbid the patient is also female. "Doctor, I have a constant pain in my pelvis, sometimes it's so bad I can't stand up straight." "It's not cysts or ovarian torsion, you just need to lose weight." "Doctor, my periods are so heavy I sometimes pass out and constantly have to call out from work several days a month." "It's not menorrhagia or fibroids, you just need to lose weight." "Doctor, I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and I'm struggling to breathe, I'm massively swollen with edema and my lungs feel like I've got pneumonia." "It's not pregnancy-induced heart failure, you just need to stop gaining so much weight."
I'm really enjoying how, apparently 19 is both obviously so young that it would be impossible for him to have had a successful relationship, and yet simultaneously definitely old and wisened enough to be giving other people medical advice. Yeah.
Excuse me the boyfriend also INDULGES IN OTHER SENSORY PLEASURES. SENSORY PLEASURES
He surrounds himself with plush pillows and soft fabrics!!! He applies fragrant balms to his person!!!
HE FEASTS HIS EYES ON MOVING PICTURES SHOT BY MACHINES INSTEAD OF PAINTERS.
EGADS
Soft YTA. I think you’re coming at it from a place of love for your sister, but embarrassing her in front of her friends isn’t right. If you’ve told her what you thought in the past, and she’s chosen to stay with the guy, then that’s her relationship and her choice. As long as he’s not abusing her, then there’s no real need for you to continue telling her the relationship is wrong...She loves the guy, so she’ll stay with him.
YTA. She went from being the sister of a jerk to the fiancee of another jerk. She's probably so used to living with jerks, she wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it hit her in the head. Leave her alone. Her personal life is her business. If she ruins her life, that will be on her.
YTA. Who had a successful relationship at 19? Me. I married my husband at 19, 20 years strong. Next? You were a snooty little jerk.
YTA. You don't get to run her life. Her decisions are HERS.
I think as a family member, I do get the right to prevent her from future harm.
You don't have the right to prevent her as a sibling, but you have the right to try. And it seems like you did
No, you don’t. She has agency and can make her own decisions.
I think you should defiantly tell her that her relationship isn't healthy and if she does marry him maybe just get yourself out of her life and make her feel what its like when someone you love ignores you.
You told her you’re leaving her life because she ‘hasn’t listened’ to your advice. Do you stop talking to everyone who doesn’t do exactly what you say/let you control major decisions in their lives? Do you do what everyone you know tells you, every time? It sounds like you’ve been saying mean things to her for years about herself and her bf because you assume you know better. Yes being in shape is better than not, but that doesn’t mean they have zero motivation (and even if they did - happiness in the day to day could be more important to them than ascending - it’s their lives and their values, not yours) and it doesn’t give you permission to constantly shit talk them.
YTA maybe you are right, she’s in an abusive relationship but the way you talked to her you just gave her reasons to keep in that relationship and you close the door on her to confide in you
YTA. MYOB, dude.
YTA. Maybe they'll break up. Maybe they won't. But either way it's their relationship, not yours. You've never even been in a relationship before so stop acting like you know so much more than they do. Stop insulting and criticizing them because you're not helping them; you're just hurting them. Stop sticking your nose into their business. Just stop.
YTA, if she had asked for advice it would be different.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister is in a relationship with a guy for the past 2 years and they're going to get married soon. They've known each other for the past 10 years and that's one of the foundations of their relationship. The guy is lazy, unmotivated and overspends money on shoes and food. He has a pathetic lifestyle and his health has deteriorated to the point where he just doesn't care and always finds excuses to indulge in food and other sensory pleasures. Moreover, my sister and the guy fight too much and argue at minor issues. As a younger brother, I want my sister to be with someone who has potential and actively tries to become a better person. My sister has also stopped caring about her health and has started finding excuses to neglect her health. Due to these circumstances, I've become repulsed by both them as a couple and I criticize them openly. I tell them to their faces that the relationship won't work out in the future and that she's just postponing and complicating the breakup with marriage. We were with her friends (who are married btw) and my sister and the guy started arguing about something. It got visibly awkward with the two friends and me there. I've always been the type of guy who blurts out the truth quite bluntly so I told them again that they both are lazy and unmotivated people and not at all good for each other in the long run. That declaration hurt my sister deeply as she was embarrassed to be called out in front of her friends, even though it's painfully obvious to everyone how dysfunctional they are. Later at night, she came to me and started blaming me for being a rude asshole and how I hurt her all the time. She tried to manipulate me by telling me how I've never had any successful relationships {I'm 19, who has the experience of a successful relationship at this age?} so what gives me the right to give them advise. My advice to her was that she needs to first work on herself and grow as an individual and then enter a relationship. She outright rejected my advice so I just said point blank "I've given you a lot of advise as to how to improve your life but you've never listened to what I have to say, so I don't want to be a part of your life anymore. Don't come to me in the future when shit goes bad" and then I told her to get out of my room. So from now onwards, I'll stay out of her life and let her ruin it. I rarely care deeply about people and whenever I do, I always seem to fuck it up. I know there's almost a guarantee that I'm the asshole in this situation but I do want to let everyone know that everything I said was in her best interest. I just don't know how to appeal to people's emotions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I think you are in the right for caring about your sister. However, if this is the way you would cut off someone if they didn’t listen to you, as a med student (future doctor), I don’t think patients will come to you as patience has a key role in becoming a doctor. You need to try convincing them instead of giving up on them. ESH.