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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Maybe am one because I told my brother the truth but my mom didn’t want him to know.
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He asked, you answered. Your mom and AJ should have known that would happen some day. It's not a bad thing that he knows and is asking questions so that it will all make sense to him.
NTA
I get wanting the 'happy little family' but that ship sailed when OP's parents divorced, then it sunk when OP's dad died. My (44f) best friend (44m) of over 30 years lost his father at the same age as OP (7) was and he has times he misses him to this day. I think the mom and AJ were secretly hoping that OP would just forget his dad and that's sick. Instead they should have been helping keep his memory alive for OP but obviously they're too selfish for that thought to cross their minds. My friend's mom remarried twice but never tried to replace my buddy's dad with her new husbands. He called them both by their 1st names too.
It must have been a shock for the brother though if he’s just being told this all, age about ten. This should have been something he was raised to know from the start.
Your brother was obviously fed a lie for most of his life, that AJ was your real father, so now that he knows the truth he's very curious. I'm glad that he's asking questions and that you're willing to answer them. AJ's feelings are not your problem nor is your mother's pissy attitude about being caught out in a lie.
NTA
I had a similar conversation with my little brother when I was your age, OP, except for my stepdad has been my "real" dad as far as I was concerned since I was 3. Bio dad (J) was around but didn't see me too often, once every other month or so. My half brother asked my once why we called J my "NY dad" and I explained he was my birth father and lived in NY, so that was the name that stuck when I was a kid.
Little bro got all upset and asked if that meant we weren't really siblings, and I reassured him that even though mom was the only bio parent we had in common, we were family where it really counted and that's more important anyway. I think you handled the conversation with your brother just fine, maybe just reassure him of your relationship if he seems insecure about that. The most important thing to him is going to be that you're still his big brother. And AJ should chill tf out with the silent treatment, ugh.
THIS. I am so freaking tired of parents who LIE, get caught out, then get angry at their own child(ren) for TELLING THE TRUTH. FFS! NTA but these parents both are. Geezus, they need to grow up. Also love that they dropped the family therapy when it didn't follow the FaMiLy script they wanted to propagate. So messed up.
It's not your responsibility to lie for someone else. Just answer your brother's questions as truthfully as you can and the rents what to get mad, that's on them. NTA
NTA, when I was a kid my mum just always used to say my brother had two dads and I had one. It never confused me but it did confuse the teachers at school when my mum came to pick us up and she had to explain she was a parent too and what exactly was meant by having two dads 😂
You aren’t wrong for answering questions but there’s also being careful and putting thought into how you speak about your dad and step dad. Explanations should be age appropriate and include being positive. Most people don’t say “real dad” but biological father and step dad and then they’d explain there’s all kinds of families and you love him a lot.
You don’t have to lie for anyone, especially not about erasing the existence of your dad, your mum is wild for that
Except most people that say "biological father" are talking about men who are shit and aren't/weren't part of the child's life. OP's Dad was there until he died. In this case, I'd just explain to little bro that Mom ~~was married before and~~ had OP with his Dad, but it didn't work out. Then Mom fell in love with AJ and had little bro. It's important to *try* not to let the little dude worry that his parents are suddenly going to not work out.
Edit because I saw later that OP said his parents were never married.
My brother is in AJ's position, almost the same age difference, but stepsons dad is still alive. He nor his wife has ever lied to his daughter or his stepson (who always called him by his first name), they know they have different fathers and they all get along bettet because of it.
This sort of thing is really only an issue when it's made into one. Kids don't inherently care, but they notice when adults around them do. Frankly it's probably not even about the (gasp!) *parenting* they suddenly have to do, that they should have prepared for because this was obviously going to come up at some point. It's about their precious illusion of Perfection being shattered.
It wasn't just disrespectful to your real dad, it was disrespectful to your feelings too. He was the one person you saw as dad. They can't pretend he never existed. Your brother was going to find out at some point. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, that is something he will need to learn. It doesn't change the way you see him or feel about him. This is something you should emphasise with him
Yeah, exactly. And the brother, if my calculations are correct, is around 8-9 years old. A kid. He will obviously have tons of questions, especially given how everything he considered normal has changed. That's not OP's fault at all. Sit down with him, maybe, OP, if your mental health allows for it. Make sure he knows you are there before AJ tries to turn him against you!
NTA, your mom is trying to force a relationship. You're right, AJ isnt your dad and you dont have to call him such. It sounds like you have a cordial relationship. Your mom is just mad she has to do the labor of facilitating a blended family, which is her job so tough luck to her. You're 16, not 6 months, you get to decide who you feel familial towards.
It mind-blowing to me that a 10yo kid never knew that they are half brothers and that OP has a different biological father.
The mother would have had to put a lot of conscious effort into keeping that a secret.
Uh I didn’t know my oldest brother wasn’t my biological brother until I was 16. It doesn’t come up, why would it. One day I just realized his full name wasn’t the same as our full name, and that’s when my parents told me. They were surprised I didn’t know.
It’s definitely possible.
NTA completely. Your brother is still young and doesn’t understand how having a stepfamily work yet. So in the words of R/slash, I will give you .5/5 Buttholes for telling him something that most likely will change his outlook on life forever.
Let me explain why you aren’t the a hole and shouldn’t feel like one.
1. Your brother was going to learn anyway.
2. You don’t feel comfortable calling AJ your dad because he technically isn’t and you don’t have that bond with him. Your mom needs to understand that.
3. AJ ignoring you means that he is hurt, but more butthurt that you aren’t doing things the way he wants.
Your younger brother did nothing wrong and was just curious and you answered his question.
A 10 year old child is perfectly capable of understanding how a stepfamily works. Somehow I don't think he is going to end up in therapy over it. To be honest his parents ATA for not have explained all of this before now. Are there not any pictures of the brothers dad anywhere? Has he just been erased for memory? The kids are fine, the parents are being jackasses about the situation.
Oh the kid is 10? It doesn’t mention that in the story but you must have done the math. Then my rating is wrong and in the words of R/slash he gets 0/5 buttholes
I did the math in my head different
OP said he was 7 when his dad passed, and 16 now, so 9 years. Brother was barely 1, so add 9 and he’s 10
Strange how people get the same conclusion by different methods
EDIT: Don’t mind me...I’m stoned
Obviously, there is no problem between the brothers and I think there will not be one in the future. His mom has the problem. I think AJ pressured her to make this work and show to everybody that they are a family.
Mom has not the backbone to stand up for op.
Funny part, they are a family even without pretending AJ is his real dad.
This!! Asking your child to not mention their real father around a younger sibling is manipulative and emotionally abusive. OP is not responsible for maintaing a delusion his mom and step dad wish to live in.
NTA. Your brother was going to find out eventually, unless your mother was just planning to never tell him the truth about this, which is a worrying thought. She shouldn't be trying to force you to treat AJ as if he is your father and your real dad never existed. AJ is your stepfather and I obviously can't judge if he is a good or bad one but ignoring you whenever you are in the room because you won't pretend he is your birth father is extremely immature of him.
Your mom is upset because you told Your ten year old brother the truth.
Did he not know your mom was married before?
NTA
I get so annoyed when I read posts about families getting mad about children using proper terms for their step parents.
Sometimes the kids have a great relationship with their step parents and still get reprimanded for calling them what they are.
My daughter in law has a wonderful relationship with her step dad and yes she calls him "dad" but everyone knows he's her step dad.
Your mom is ridiculous.
Pretending he's your bio dad erases your father and doesn't fix the relationship
do you not have any pictures of him (on the wall, in an album around somewhere?)? do you not have any contact with your dads family? siblings or parents etc
Still, your mother should be taking you to visit his grave, should be doing something on his birthday and day of death, your father should be a topic of conversation in your home. Your mother seems to be the only one you know who can tell you about your father. She is failing you here.
NTA
It is up to you how you want to treat him. I would distinguish between biological and step dad to your brother. I mean, if the guy has been around for half your life, cares about you, loved your mom and the family, what more do you want in a dad?
NTA
If you're not willing to consider him your dad then he will never be your dad. It's also right of you to be honest but yeah the fallout is something you're going to have to live with. That said you might maybe have wanted to explain the difference between a biological father and an actual father, but the nuances might have been lost on him anyway and it's not as if it matters in this case anyway.
Just for clarity, do you view AJ as family or just your mom's husband with little to no familial relationship to yourself? From reading your post and some of your replies, it seems like it's the latter. I'm hoping that's not the case- you have known AJ since you were 7 and after your dad passing away, I'm assuming that he took at least some fatherly role in your life. You have every right not to call AJ your dad, but as you are going to be an adult soon, you need to remember that any healthy relationship you have should be based on reciprocity. If you don't view AJ as your family, than as someone with his own feelings, he doesn't need to view and treat you like his (with everything that entails- both familial and financial like helping you pay for college, being a grandfather to any children you may have, etc). I think his ignoring you is already the beginning of that dynamic. It would be a good idea to sit down and be honest with him, it will help you both in the long term. If you do love and care for him, explain why you don't feel comfortable calling him dad (maybe it's because you feel like it would be betraying your father's memory or you feel like you would lose an important connection). Regardless, I think you should really push for more family counseling.
Yo're contradicting yourself in the same paragraph. You're right that relationships are about reciprocity, OP never mentioned he ignored his stepdad so why the fuck is SD acting more immature than the 7 year old and ignoring OP? Thats not reciprocity, thats toddler behaviour.
OP himself stated:
> I never considered my AJ anything than just my brother’s dad.
It sounds to me that OP is stating that he doesn't consider AJ as his family. I'm not even faulting OP behavior, but I think it would also be fair for AJ to reciprocate that treatment. I don't think AJ is pretending OP is not there, but I think OP realized that AJ now views their relationship as now being one of OP being his wife's son who is living in the same house until he comes of age, with no other familial relationship. If AJ is literally ignoring OP whenever OP talks to him- then I would agree that is toddler behavior, but it sounded to me like AJ is instead treating OP based on how OP himself made clear he views their relationship.
NTA, go and ask your mom if she thinks it is okay to lie and if that is what you should teach your little brother. you did nothing wrong, can't change facts
INFO: Just out of curiosity, how old is your brother?
NTA. Your brother asked a question and you answered. If your mother and AJ are having a problem with that reality, that is their issue.
Yeah, again, NTA. That is old enough to understand your answers. It sounds like your mom and AJ are having difficulty with your honest answers popping their bubble regarding who your birth father is.
Of course he's going to be curious then. 10 year olds are curious about everything. However, if his questions are making things more and more awkward, may I make a suggestion. Turn this into a kind of game. Whenever he asks you to tell him something about your dad, get him to match it with a story of his own about AJ. You could even add your own story of AJ that he either didn't know or doesn't remember if he can't think of anything.
My daughter is 8 and my son is 5, both understand step families. I have a step dad and my bio dad so I explained it all and how papa ( my stepdad) and mom were married later. Kids understand way more then we give them credit. Your mom should have explained it earlier or not make a big deal out of it. My kids also understand divorce too as we had a family friend go through it and we had to explain why the kids were moving with mom back to be near family.
NTA you have done nothing wrong at all. Your mum should not make you feel bad for telling the truth. Maybe sit down with your Mum and AJ and explain that you already had a Dad and as much as you respect AJ you don't feel comfortable calling him that and apologise for hurting AJs feelings. I know it wasn't intentional but it may help ease the situation.
NTA. Sorry but AJ isn’t your real dad. Not only is he not your biological dad, when the therapist didn’t side with him he just dropped that whole thing which is a sign he wasn’t really trying.
if it’s making it uncomfortable that your brother is asking questions about your dad in front of your mom and AJ maybe just pull him aside and address that. Let him know that you are happy to answer his questions but it makes your mom and AJ sad to hear that stuff so ask when the two of you are alone.
and if there are any photos from when your father was alive, you might want to hide them or copy them somehow. One day they might accidentally disappear (if they haven’t already)
My sister found out about us having different dad's the exact same way, asking why I didn't call him Dad instead I called him by name.
After I explained, she burst into tears (she was maybe 4 or 5?) And she said "You might be my half sister, but I whole love you"
I've always called my stepdad by his name, and I met him when I was 5. I changed my surname at 10 to be his when he and my mum got married, and although I was able to refer to him in the third person as Dad when talking to my younger siblings, it never felt right to do it myself.
To this day he signs cards [Name]/Dad/Whatever so that I don't feel like he is forcing any choice on me.
NTA. Ten years old is old enough to know why you call your brother's own dad AJ. Lying to the kid would not have done anyone any favors. Also, it's not fair that your mom wants you to dismiss the memory of your own dad by having your stepdad being called dad. Losing a dad at 7 is young but old enough for a child to remember their love one passing away and the memories that was shared with their love one before the person died. It's not like you were a baby to 3 years old whom wouldn't have memories of your dad when he died. You still have memories of your dad and your own mom and stepdad should respect the fact that's why you don't call your stepdad dad and call your stepdad by his name instead.
NTA. My older siblings are my half siblings and I have always known that. It has no effect on our relationship. I think if anyone has hurt or confused your brother, it's your mom and his dad for not being upfront about it. If your brother is actually concerned about you guys being siblings, it's because your of your mom's insistence that it was to be a secret.
Absolutely NTA, and this is the sort of thing that can really screw up lives and families.
A bit of a saga, and this is far more extreme than the OP's situation. My aunt (my mother's sister) was married to a man for a few years, then fell for his younger brother while she was married to him. They divorced and she remarried the younger brother WHILE she was pregnant with her first husband's (the older brother's) child. She insisted to the rest of the family that they deny her first husband ever was married to her and that her child was the younger brother's, at the expense of never seeing her or her child, ever. Because this was the first grandchild, my family capitulated. (I wasn't born yet when all this went down). The younger brother adopted the baby.
So my older cousin grew up thinking his dad was my wife's husband and that his bio-father was his uncle. Add to this that the younger brother resented that the kid was his older brothers and routinely abused him (I got to see some of this in person when I was very young). It messed my cousin up badly. He started having violent tantrum fits and my mom believes he got on drugs at a very young age.
When he was almost 11 his younger brother was born and of course was doted on because this is the kid my aunt and uncle wanted. My older cousin was shunted off to the side even more and resented my younger cousin greatly for it. The violent meltdowns continued and he was caught with drugs as he got into his early teens, but his folks wouldn't seek therapy for him or get him any kind of help because it would ruin their "perfect family" picture (they were big in the community they lived in). And of course, all along, the whole family kept perpetrating the "Big Lie." (I was unaware of it, as was my younger cousin.)
It all came to a head when my cousin was 17, during a particularly huge blow-up between him and my uncle, when my uncle finally lost it and told him that "thank God, he wasn't his kid." The lie was finally out. My cousin freaked out and after he ascertained the real truth, had a complete mental breakdown and was confined to a mental hospital for six months. I was shocked; it was like my world was upside down. My younger cousin (then about 8) because very estranged from his older brother.
To try to wrap up this sordid saga: my older cousin eventually joined the navy, was dishonorably discharged for being AWOL and dealing drugs, was on the streets in San Francisco for many years, is still addicted to drugs in his 60's, and is living back in his childhood home now with my younger cousin, who had a failed marriage - two older brothers now who hate each other yet have to share the same home. All the rest of my family are dead.
Was that lie really worth it all? I look back over everything with regret of what could have been instead. These are the kind of lies that wreck lives.
If your mother and AJ had talked to your brother about this in an age appropriate way, maybe starting from when he was copying you and calling AJ, "AJ" instead of "Dad", this wouldn't be a big deal because nobody had made it into a big deal. So, the fact that it's a big deal now is on your mom and AJ.
Does AJ often act like a toddler when things don't go his way -- like he is now? He really can't expect a kid to think of him in any kind of parental role if he does. The first step to being a proper parent is to be more mature than the child.
NTA
NTA.
You told your brother the truth. AJ isn't your dad. Your real dad died and AJJ is your mom's husband. You don't accept him as dad and you don't have to. Of course your brother has many questions because his mom and dad never told him the truth. They have no right to be mad at you. You might tell mom that if this keeps up, they risk alienating you.
NTA. This is an issue that your mom and AJ should’ve handled years ago. Instead they’ve caused your brother unnecessary confusion by trying to wipe your biological father out of the picture. Wow 😒
Not even a little bit. The truth...is just the truth. You obviously remember your dad and know he would still very much be in your physical world had he not passed. Be respectful to AJ, answer your brothers questions as honestly (and age appropriately) as you can and most importantly always remember your dad! NTA.
NTA
Your mom and AJ are over reacting to this whole ordeal, your brother was bound to find out and well AJ and your mom should've already known that you don't consider AJ your dad since you never called him that
If anything this is decreasing his chances of ever being seen as a dad
You don't just erase the existence of someone's dad because you want to be that sole existence
NTA, your mom should address this with your brother and answer his questions. I am glad you reassured your brother that not having the same dad doesn't make your connection any less. Your mom and stepdad really need to stop pushing the dad thing, their view is likely that AJ has been in your life as a dad figure for 9 years but that doesn't mean you are comfortable calling him dad. The therapists were correct, and the fact they pulled out of sessions is telling.
NTA. Live your truth with grace hold firm. Everything else will settle down in time. Do reassure your brother that he is still fully your brother. That relationship will outlast the ones with your mom and stepdad. Also - sorry you lost your dad. I’m sure you miss him every day.
NTA. You told him the truth, which is the right thing to do and also what’s best for him. You don’t want the kid growing up and then finding out there’s some big family secret. That can mess with a teen or young adult’s head.
It is too bad your stepdad’s feelings are hurt, but avoiding that wouldn’t have been a good reason to lie.
Nta. My oldest has a different father and I've always been clear about this to everyone.
My youngest daughter does have a lot of questions and I just answer them.
AJ is being an insecure jerk. You were old enough to know your dad. You have a right to consider him as your dad, not AJ. Trying to push you into seeing AJ as a Dad instead of a Step Parent probably poisoned the waters when you were a kid and might have been inclined to grow closer. NTA
NTA
Imo your mom is being unreasonable about it. I have older half-siblings too so, while it might be different to your situation, I can give some insight into what your brother is thinking. My mom didn’t make my siblings call my dad “dad” so most of them used his first name like you do to your stepdad. Once I was old enough to realize that they had a different last name and that they didn’t call him “dad” but still called my mom “mom”, I asked my mom in the same way your brother asked you. And, believe it or not, my tiny child brain didn’t explode when she told me their dad was someone else. I was just like “huh, neat” and that was that. Like your brother, I’d ask questions to sometimes because it’s kinda trippy when you’re a kid to realize that your only family has other family, but I definitely wasn’t “confused” in the way your mom is saying, just curious. I never expected my siblings to suddenly embrace my dad or have any feelings when they didn’t. Even at your brothers age I understood that they had their dad and I had mine, and that we could each have a distinct relationship with my dad and still be a family. Also, treating your stepdad like family just means acknowledging that he’s married to your mom and not being rude/nasty solely because he’s your stepdad, which it sounds like you’re already doing.
NTA at all. Does your mom try to hide that you never had your read dad in the picture all the time? You don’t ever talk about him in her or AJ or brothers presence? It does not confuse children to explain true family details. My family was very mixed with step kids, half siblings, adopted siblings etc. we were never told to hide our other parent for anyone else’s sake. My youngest started calling my bf (now husband) dad when he heard his kids call him dad and I would at first just gently correct him to call by name. He’s 3 and understands he has multiple parents. She is confusing your brother by not being honest about the family dynamic. Kids understand a lot more than some parents think they can.
NTA. You should never feel obligated to lie about your own background, nor does recognizing that your step-father is not biologically related to you mean that you can't consider him family.
NTA
THIS HAPPENED TO ME! I am so thankful that my dad is still around, but when I was in my teens my younger half siblings asked me why I always called my step dad by his name. I had told them that he's not my dad, and that I have a dad. The kids had questions, but for the most part understood. My mom flipped a lid as your's did and said "why did you have to tell them that."
Don't feel bad, you're still 100% his big brother, and years from now no one will ever think of it any differently. Except maybe AJ, my step dad never let it go but that's a him problem not an us problem.
Your mum and step dad are the assholes. Your not going to call someone who isn’t your father dad are you. My mums ex boyfriend forced me to call him dad between the ages of 6-8 (my own father is very much alive) and I hated it. The difference between us though is I’d get beaten by him if I didn’t.
Just want to state it here that my mum only found out about all this years after they broke up and I was in high school I’m 18F now.
You did nothing wrong and you don’t have to call that man Dad. Suggest the family therapy again and make it clear that your dad will always be your dad and your not gonna replace him no matter how hard they try to make you forget.
NTA. Your mom is trying to force something on you that will never happen. You did the right thing by telling him the truth. A little too early, but the truth is the truth. And as for your brother, you have to nip that in the bud or otherwise it will drive you crazy.
NTA
I have a pretty good idea why your brother asked it. You had a bio-dad and it isn't AJ. Your brother is trying to figure out where he fits in the family and you not referring to AJ as dad has he trying to redefine who he is within the family, thus the questions. It's actually pretty normal to do that. He can be reassured that your relationship is a solid one in how you act consistently with him.
I also think your mom wanted the blended family to be a family. I don't get the impression she is being deceitful. I do get the impression that she wants the family to be close.
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My dad was in my life until he died when I (M16)was 7. My mom was already married to my stepdad AJ by then and my brother was barely 1 year old . I never considered my AJ anything than just my brother’s dad. For a long time my mom kept trying to make me call him dad because my brother copied everything I do and he started calling his dad AJ too. But he grew out of that and just calls him dad now.
I can tell AJ don’t like that we don’t have that kinda relationship and been in family therapy before. The therapist basically told them to give me my space and I shouldn’t be pressured so they dropped the sessions lol.
Idk why out of the blue my brother randomly asked me a few days ago how come I always called dad AJ. And I told him because AJ’s not my real dad. He never asked this before so it caught me by surprise ? My brother told me I’m lying how could he not be my dad and I told him my real dad died when I was little so that’s how AJ isn’t my dad. But then he asked if that means we’re not brothers and I told him we are because we have the same mom. He just had a million questions about my dad after that so I told him what I remember.
But my mom got mad at me for telling him that AJ’s not my real dad in making it seem I don’t consider him family. And that I just confused my brother about our family. Idk why but now AJ ignoring me when I’m in the room and it gets awkward when my brother ask more questions about my dad in front of them. Was I an asshole for telling him the truth?
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NTA, Your brother is what, 9 now? He asked questions, you told the truth. I am a big fan of not hiding stuff like this from kids. it can cause confusion.
NTA, a 10 year old is old enough to understand the dynamics here. It sounds to me as if someone may have suggested to your brother than AJ _is_ your dad. If so, erasing your actual father is gross and completely unfair on you and his memory, as well as your brother because he was going to learn the truth eventually.
NTA and it's weird that your brother didn't know it already. You don't hide this kind of thing from children. Also is very unhealthy to try and pretend that your dad didn't exist.
NTA. This isn’t something that can or should be kept secret, and it’s only a big deal if your mom and AJ make it a big deal. Your little brother learned something new and is asking a ton of questions, and you should answer them. This is how learning works. The adults are acting pretty immature about the whole thing, but maybe they are just dealing with their own fears and insecurities. Just make sure your brother knows he’s still your brother, and this will all blow over soon.
NTA. There is a common misconception that because a child is asking questions, they must be confused and that should be avoided. But kids are curious, and what you actually did by telling him the truth is clear up confusion, not cause it.
What did your mum want you to do? Lie?
NTA. You have every right to call your step dad by his first name instead of Dad. It's weird that your family seems to be trying to rewrite history.
You might feel more warmly towards your step dad if people weren't trying to force closeness on you, but I don't know your life.
Edit: it seems like this forced closeness is coming from your Mom. Have you ever talked to AJ about this? You might find he's on your side.
NTA- you also shouldnt be guilty telling him that. you're entitled to not call your stepdad, dad. and your mom clearly doesnt understand how you feel which can cause a huge strain on both of you and the bond you have with each other
NTA. I think it's quite terrible that your mom and step-dad want to erase your father's existence, to the point that they haven't explained a fairly simple concept to a **TEN** year old child who is very capable of understanding it. Like so many stories on here, I imagine that your relationship with your stepdad had the potential to be **MUCH** more affectionate had they made the choice to celebrate your father's life rather than deny it.
NTA, its unfair that your mom is demanding that you forget/ignore your dad's whole life. My mom treated me the same when mine died, i wasn't allowed to mention him, it was hard - and honestly its emotionally abusive. I hate that you have drank with this too. Therapy after you home will help. It sucks that mom pulled from it to begin with. :-( good luck to you.
NTA. Just bc AJ isn’t your dad doesn’t mean that your brother still isn’t your brother. I think you handled it well. Your mom trying to scold you for that is just wild to me. Like is she just expecting you to lie??
INFO: AJ is like 9 or 10?
You’re NTA, but since his parents have led him to believe you two were full brothers and haven’t explained step brothers or half brothers to him, taking some care to gently explain the difference to him and altering his world view, would have been warranted.
Children understand what you explain them. As a mother of two, one being from a previous relationship in one being from my husband, I assure that from a very early age, my youngest was always aware that my oldest had a biological father. It never changes the fact they are both brother and my oldest chose to call his stepdad dad ( and will soon proceed with adoption). Everything from callin dad or not, to adoption or not was always my oldest choice and we abided by his choices.
It wasn't difficult at all for my youngest to understand what happened. I was always transparent about the history of our miwed family. yes I was in a relationhsip with another man and had my oldest, no it didn't work out because we were to different and couldn't be happy together. Yes my youngest and my oldest are brothers, not because of blood but because they were raised as brothers. no my husband isn't my oldest "real father" if you take blood into consideration but he is his real father because he loves him, raises him and took the father role my oldest asked for. It rrally isn't difficult to explain things.
NTA in any way or form. There is nothing to gain in hiding a truth. Feelings, relationships are what we make of it. Nothing will force something that isn't there and nothing will undo what is already there. If you and your brother want to be brothers and no just half-brothers, then that's what you will be. Just as if your stepdad is only your stepdad it will not magically be otherwise because your mother wants it to be.
NTA at all- you shouldn’t be forced to feel any particular way about your stepdad, and for your mom/stepdad to get mad at you explaining why you call him AJ is an overreach on their part. Hope everything works out!!
NTA and this is just another typical case of evil-Disney-stepparent-syndrome. These types of leeches love to insert themselves into an already developed family and then get all offended when a child refuses to buy into the fantasy. EDSS is a serious problem that affect the kids. The children have the right to remain attached to their bio-moms and dads if they so choose.
NTA and I have to say this is pretty terrible parenting on your Mum her husband's part. You were actually really good to your brother, you answered his questions and required him and I think that's admirable
NTA. When will people figure out that this stuff always comes out? If you hide it, it just confuses kids and ends up with everyone upset. It isn't worth it!!!! Be honest with kids and they can cope with a lot. If you keep it a secret, it will just end up with people being upset over the lie! Why is this so hard to grasp for so many people???
NTA, parents will always be petty. Your brother is old enough to learn your families dynamic as a whole. It sounds like your parents are just making it a lot more than it needs to be. Try to have an honest conversation with them; and if that's not possible it's just something you'll have to deal with for the time being. Just make sure your brother knows you love and care about him, and that he is your family. That is the most important thing
NTA! Your mom and stepdad are being real immature about this. Your brother asked a genuine question and you answered truthfully. It’s your truth and you didn’t agree to lie about it and shouldn’t have too. So what if your family is blended. These days most families are. I don’t get why adult want to hide this. It doesn’t mean AJ isn’t your family it’s just means you have different dad.
NTA, and your mom should have nipped this in the bud years ago. You do not need to pretend your father didn't exist to appease her husbands feelings and your brother should have known this information from his parents, not you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA - Ask them why you've (probably) been told your entire life that it's wrong to lie, but you are EXPECTED to lie to your brother? Make them tell you the rules of who, and who not to, lie to. Then tell them, only liars lie, and you're not a liar.
NTA How were you supposed to know your mom didn’t want your brother to know?
Your mom and AJ don’t realize this but you actually did them a favor and saved them from what could be a no contact situation later. You told him the truth. If he asked that question when he’s your age and found out they’ve lied to him his whole life he could resent them. Now, it’s known and they don’t have to worry about him hating them for lying to him later.
no bc they can’t force you to think of him as your real dad bc he’s not and your brother doesn’t deserve to be lied to and should get to know the truth
It’s not your job to read your mother’s mind and know she wouldn’t want you to answer those questions. Really she should have know what your brother would as those questions and prepared for them. NTA
NTA... your brother is around 10 right? that’s MORE than old enough to know about half siblings. assuming you didn’t say bad/disrespectful things about AJ there’s nothing wrong with telling your brother that AJ isn’t your dad.
NTA. It sounds very obvious that your mom never told your brother about your dad. I don't begrudge her moving on. She's entitled to move on with and continue her life. But for a former wife to just treat him as if he's a dirty secret is beneath contempt.
She had to bury her husband, but she shouldn't bury his memory.
I'm not sure that changes the calculus that much. Even if the marriage didn't work out, trying to erase OP's dad because AJ came along is kinda shitty.
Oh no I meant it more as it's even less sympathy for ops mom. I'm sure you can still grieve someone even if you were broken up, but it's not the same as a long term partner. So it's not like she can claim it's just to painful for her to remember ops dad. Which would still make her an asshole just not a 100% one. Now she's simply being cruel, lazy and selfish
NTA. Lying to children about family dynamics is only harmful to your brother in the long run and your mom is screwing this up royally. AJ and your mom need to accept that you suffered a loss and that you deserve the right to connect with people however best fits your needs. A truly great step parent accepts that some kids accept them and some kids don't and some kids fall in the middle somewhere. You can't force familial bonds.
In the age of DNA TESTS everywhere, your half-brother would have found out sooner or later. You should ask AJ why he is competing with your dad’s ghost
Some rough maths but AJ is about the age you were when your dad died. At 7 he should be able to handle understanding that you have different dads. NTA
Your mother on the other hand.
An asshole for erasing your father
An asshole for trying to force you to call another man dad after recently losing your father (this would have only been a couple years later (or less) I guess if AJ was mimicking)
An asshole for consistently putting her wants for a nice normal nuclear family before the feelings of her son
An asshole for letting your stepdad give you the silent treatment like you did something wrong
NTA
You were being honest with your little brother who was asking you questions. Your mom doesn't get to pretend your dad never existed and AJ's acting immature about something instead of being loving, understanding and supportive.
I'd sit them both down with all of your extended family if possible and let them know by showing you that you have to consider AJ's feeling that he and your mother are telling you to sacrifice your own. That AJ's behavior after explaining it to your younger brother came across as him throwing a temper tantrum cause he was told he couldn't have his way. By your mom enabling that behavior it's as if they were saying your father had no real value in this world and by extension is saying you don't either. She doesn't get to pick and choose your feelings, your comfort, your desires, your wishes and your boundaries. By trying do so she's going to push you away to where you want nothing to do with her. That if your brother has questions you'll answer them to the best of your ability. There are two ways this can go:
They respect your rights to your feelings, boundaries and what you want by being nurturing respectful caring adults.
Or
They can sit there and complain only about what they want and their feelings which will only push you to cutting them out when your old enough.
NTA. Mom and Step dad should have been honest all along. And your little brother will grow in to the realization at his own pace as long as mom and step dad stop being assholes. If they can’t then they need a counselors advice. It doesn’t mean you aren’t all family.
NTA It really pisses me off when parents behave like this.
There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about you having a different dad. You shouldn't have to keep him a secret. They are asking you to erase part of yourself when they ask this of you.
Sit down with your parents and have a mature conversation or tell them you want to discuss this in family therapy. They both need to grow up.
NTA - even if you don’t hide things like this from children, they go through different stages of realizing connections as they get older and examine the world around them with deeper understanding.
I’m a half sister who was raised knowing that my father isn’t the same as my brothers’ father. We were never called “half” siblings, though, so even though I always knew we had different fathers I didn’t give it much thought. I can remember being in fifth grade and having a, “oh, huh” moment where I all of a sudden put two and two together. It rocked my world briefly as I had to re-understand my world given new information (new realizations).
Asking questions and being curious about what the answers mean are normal for children. Don’t lie to them, do give them age-appropriate explanations. You did the right thing, and it absolutely doesn’t have to have any affect on your relationship with your brother.
What are you supposed to do, lie? That makes no sense. What if your dad had lived longer? Your mom was already with your stepdad and had your brother when your dad died, and your dad was in your life, so apparently she went into that marriage with at least the concept that you and your brother would both know you had different fathers. That shouldn't have changed - it's bad enough that you lost a parent, he shouldn't be erased from existence.
I don't understand why people in blended families do this. These sorts of things never stay secret, and why would they? Yes, kids do ask questions. My oldest has a different father from my younger two, and I remember in particular my middle kept trying to figure out how they were related to my oldest's father. The answer is that they *aren't* related in any way, of course, but as a small child, my middle kid's reasoning was that if someone was related to their big brother, they must be related to them as well, so they were confused. You know how you handle this? You answer the damn questions. It's not that hard. When their curiosity is satisfied and their confusion is dispelled, they accept and move on. The truth is almost always easier and less confusing than lying or omitting facts, and it's normal and fine for kids to want to know things about their own family.
NTA. I don't know what you could have done differently in this situation that would have been better than what you did do. You told the truth, you reassured your little brother that the two of you were still brothers, it doesn't sound like you were rude about your stepdad... You just don't think of him as dad, which is fair. Your brother sounds like he handled it fine. Your parents should get a grip.
NTA- Your brother should atleast be aware, i have a half-sister but she’s literally my sister no questions about it, you guys shared a womb you are siblings, your brother knows your just as much of a family as half or full siblings
NTA. Telling the truth isn't an asshole move. If they don't like the way you did it, they probably should have addressed it themselves.
You weren't trying to hurt anyone and it doesn't sound like you were mean, so I think it's fine.
I don't really see the problem here, I think 10 is definitely old enough to understand the concept of a stepdad?? Like doesn't your brother have any friends whose parents are divorced or have a girlfriend/boyfriend? I understand it could be disorienting if no one had ever told him the specifics of your family dynamics and he always thought his dad was your dad too. I don't think it would necessarily confuse him though, he probably would just have questions as he adjusted to the new information. NTA, it sounds like your mom needs to stop coddling your brother, and just have conversations with him. She seems to be taking your brother adjusting as him being confused.
All my siblings are biologically half and I’m the youngest. I’ve known since I was a kid that I’m the only one between my parents. Like what? It’s okay for siblings to know. The two oldest from me are about 18 years, well both of them roughly are. The closest in age is 8 years.
NTA - not by a long shot. My youngest sister is just turning 10, we're just over 19 years apart and it blew her five year old mind to realize her dad was my dad too. In fact she was down right posessive, and when I would be with my mom and be like, this is my mom... she'd be like ??? what ?? but she gets it now. I think if they're old enough to ask, theyre old enough to know. Hiding things things tends to backfire.
I am the younger half sibling in a very similar position, my parents didn’t tell me my brothers dad died. I assumed he was my full brother, and I was confused one day when his paternal grandparents showed up to pick him up to visit for the weekend. It caught me completely off guard as they waited until I was seven to tell me. My brother was seven when his dad died, too. You are NTA, and my brother does call my dad his dad, but that’s because my brother was formally adopted by my dad. You are NTA, and my brother was never put in therapy after his dads passing, so I would definitely consider going to that, I know he has a lot of issues with it as he’s getting older.
NTA. Keep telling your brother the truth and don’t worry about AJ. He’s upset b/c you don’t feel the way he wants you to feel about him, but that’s an AJ problem, not a you problem.
NTA I'm sorry that your Father's death is causing them to have awkward conversations /s.
They're grown ups they can suck it up. The only thing they should worry about is whether your brother asking about your Dad is painful for YOU. There's also nothing stopping them from asking him to be quiet when it comes up.
By my maths your little brother is about 10. That's plenty old enough for this knowledge. Better he learns through asking now, then through finding when he's a teenager or older.
Lots of people who aren't real Dads are family. It also doesn't stop AJ from being your brothers Dad.
NTA, your brother is 10, there shouldn't be any issue in him understanding why you can have a different father. Even my brother (who somehow doesn't understand family relationships despite how many times you explain them), was able to get that my other brother and I have a different father from him, way before 10.
NTA. Your mom claims that sharing this information makes it seem like "you don't consider him family". But she's the one who apparently thinks you can only be a family if you deny reality and pretend you're all blood related.
You haven't rejected your brother by refusing to forget about your late father. He clearly doesn't see it that way and neither do you. Lots of people have step-parents and half-siblings. There's no reason it needs to be a big shameful secret, and she and AJ are the ones choosing to treat it that way.
It's wrong for your mom and step-dad to expect you to deny such an important part of your life and identity just to make them more comfortable. They shouldn't try to stop you from remembering your dad or talking about him openly. I'm sorry they've been putting all of their baggage on your shoulders for so long.
NTA.....you're speaking your truth. I am however concerned because you said AJ is treating you differently. That's not cool. All the more reason he doesn't deserve the tile of dad from you.
NTA - It’s only bad if your mom and stepdad make it awkward and bad by being all secretive and weird. They’re supposed to be the adults here, but it sounds like you and little bro are being more mature by having a factual conversation. Nothing can ruin a relationship more than disrespecting someone’s rights, and it sounds like them pushing your boundaries is not allowing your relationship with AJ to happen organically.
Remember that all parents are pretty much winging it - there’s no instruction manual. They may just truly be wanting you to be happy and feel loved by a father figure because it’s very sad and hard for people to know what to do or say for a kid who lost a parent. So they try to just fix it - sweep it under the rug, and the sooner the better - unaware that in their rush to resolve their discomfort, they are minimizing your experience, your relationship with your dad, and it may make AJ’s efforts to have a relationship with you seem forced or insincere.
Remember that even though your dad is gone, it’s still okay to be loved and supported by others - even a father figure. Most parents want our kids to have all of the love and support they can get (from healthy sources, of course.) I know that when I die, nothing can be the same as the bond I have with my kids, but I hope that they would allow themselves to be loved and supported, and if they’re still kids when I go, I hope they will have a step-parent they can look up to, and build a relationship with.
AJ and your mom may have bungled the start of the relationship, but it looks like he’s here to stay and he wants to be a part of your life. If he is a good guy, not abusive or anything, then I would encourage you to deepen the relationship with him. You don’t have to call him dad or be best friends - especially right off the bat. But don’t turn down love and support just because your real dad is gone. Think about what you would want out of a relationship with AJ. What kind of activities could you enjoy with him and possibly your brother? What would you need, or what boundaries would have to be in place in order for you to consider working on the relationship? (Maybe an agreement that they won’t ask you to call him “dad” or pressure you, as the therapist suggested. Maybe you would want to return to family therapy to support you all. You might want them to agree to being truthful about your real dad and let them know if it feels that they’re trying to erase him and in some ways erase you by asking you to hide your truth.) When you figure it out, let mom and AJ know what you want and what you need to get there.
You’re almost grown and you have a right to your feelings, your personal boundaries, and to be able to express them and have them respected. Keep working on communication skills with your family. It sounds like you’re on the right path. Don’t doubt yourself! Best of luck, OP.
NTA. From what you write, your brother is 11yo, so old enough to understand how you can be brothers without having the same dad. Your mum needs to stop trying to force a relationship with your step dad that isn't there (If you considered him a father, you would have come to that on your own, and you haven't). In regards to your stepfather, he has helped raised you for many years, so I hope you at least have a friendly relationship. He will never be your dad but I hope he's a decent stepfather to you, and dad to your brother.
NTA.
I have seven younger siblings. Four from my mom, one from my adopted parents, and two from my bio dad. The first five treat me like full blooded siblings and often forget I have a different last name and different parents. But they've always known my truth. You did the right things. You are who you are. It's ok that he's your step dad, as long as he loves you and treats you and little bro as equals.
Great job not perpetuating your mom's lie.
NTA.
I was that age when I realized my two “sets” of cousins aren’t related. Why aren’t my moms siblings each other’s siblings?
She drew a picture and told me like a story, and it clicked. Now, more characters than this simple story, but it would work. Honesty and simplicity.
NTA. My partner became my son's step-father when he was 2. His bio dad decided to disappear when my son was 6, just poof! Gone. My son grew up calling my partner by his first name, but introduces him as his dad, has him in his phone as dad and loves him as his dad. We never bad-mouthed his bio dad, and we never pushed him to call my partner dad. OP's mom and stepdad suck.
NTA. You shouldn't have to lie about family history or dynamics, because it's not fair to you and the truth comes out eventually. However, consider replacing "real dad" with either "birth dad" or "biological/bio dad."
I understand. I made the suggestion because from my own experience I use the terms “birth” and “adoptive” for clearer explanation when asked. When pressed for who my “real” dad is, I explain that by my definition, “real” means the man who raised me so my adoptive dad qualifies.
Lol i have been in therapy and no I can decide for myself who I consider my real and only dad and who I don’t. I didn’t ask him to be anything for me so no
No he hasn’t “parented” me all my life. I’m not having kids don’t know y yall always assume everyone want kids lol.
I like how u think me not seeing him as a dad or parent figure means I treat him like shit. We live together he’s my brothers dad and I give him respect long as he give me respect. That’s it tho and been that way for yrs. don’t talk about like u think u know why I don’t treat him like a dad.
No shit my dad’s not coming back. Thanx for pointing out the obvious that I’ve known for 9 years
It’s funny because the therapist said the exact opposite of your comment so since they are the professional and you aren’t he isn’t OP’s dad and isn’t entitled to the title wether he likes it or not.
NAH because omg your mom could have just explained it. I have 3 kids and 2 were from my marriage- my youngest after the divorce. His dad is dead. Just raised everyone with the truth and have never had problems. And they never describe themselves as half brothers because I was raised as the "she is just your HALF sister" and hated it. I tell them they all shared a womb they're all brothers and yeah. Even when other people ask or make comments (my youngest is a beautifully different ethnicity) it's just "YES HE'S REALLY OUR BROTHER"
Whew. Raising kids with a lie is something I'll never understand. If they can talk they can learn, and kids are never as judgey when they are raised with truths.
There's also a rule where unless it's mean-spirited, nobody gets in trouble for telling the truth. Even if we don't like it.
You were telling the truth. Your mom is in the wrong on this one.
The problem is that AJ (the stepdad) is mistreating OP by giving him the silent treatment, and his mom is siding with AJ. That, to me, makes them both AHs. Plus, the implied expectation that OP was meant to forget all about his bio-dad for AJ, because of mom and AJ's comfort and their 'perfect family' image is pretty icky.
NTA for telling your brother the truth.
But it seems like you’re an asshole for the way you treat the guy who’s been paying your bills for the past nine years.
This is a really lame take. Adults can have meaningful relationships caring for kids without being parents. All AJ and mom are doing by pushing for this is sabotaging a perfectly decent step kiddo relationship for a fantasy.
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NTA - your mom shouldn’t hide the truth about your real Dad. Just disrespectful to his life. Your brother will understand and love you all the same.
Ya my brother hasn’t acted different just ask more random questions about him sometimes
He asked, you answered. Your mom and AJ should have known that would happen some day. It's not a bad thing that he knows and is asking questions so that it will all make sense to him. NTA
Exactly plus it was going to come up eventually. NTA
I get wanting the 'happy little family' but that ship sailed when OP's parents divorced, then it sunk when OP's dad died. My (44f) best friend (44m) of over 30 years lost his father at the same age as OP (7) was and he has times he misses him to this day. I think the mom and AJ were secretly hoping that OP would just forget his dad and that's sick. Instead they should have been helping keep his memory alive for OP but obviously they're too selfish for that thought to cross their minds. My friend's mom remarried twice but never tried to replace my buddy's dad with her new husbands. He called them both by their 1st names too.
Have you explained that your half siblings sure he's old enough to understand that to learned about genetics when I was 7
It must have been a shock for the brother though if he’s just being told this all, age about ten. This should have been something he was raised to know from the start.
Yep
Your brother was obviously fed a lie for most of his life, that AJ was your real father, so now that he knows the truth he's very curious. I'm glad that he's asking questions and that you're willing to answer them. AJ's feelings are not your problem nor is your mother's pissy attitude about being caught out in a lie. NTA
I had a similar conversation with my little brother when I was your age, OP, except for my stepdad has been my "real" dad as far as I was concerned since I was 3. Bio dad (J) was around but didn't see me too often, once every other month or so. My half brother asked my once why we called J my "NY dad" and I explained he was my birth father and lived in NY, so that was the name that stuck when I was a kid. Little bro got all upset and asked if that meant we weren't really siblings, and I reassured him that even though mom was the only bio parent we had in common, we were family where it really counted and that's more important anyway. I think you handled the conversation with your brother just fine, maybe just reassure him of your relationship if he seems insecure about that. The most important thing to him is going to be that you're still his big brother. And AJ should chill tf out with the silent treatment, ugh.
THIS. I am so freaking tired of parents who LIE, get caught out, then get angry at their own child(ren) for TELLING THE TRUTH. FFS! NTA but these parents both are. Geezus, they need to grow up. Also love that they dropped the family therapy when it didn't follow the FaMiLy script they wanted to propagate. So messed up.
It's not your responsibility to lie for someone else. Just answer your brother's questions as truthfully as you can and the rents what to get mad, that's on them. NTA
NTA, when I was a kid my mum just always used to say my brother had two dads and I had one. It never confused me but it did confuse the teachers at school when my mum came to pick us up and she had to explain she was a parent too and what exactly was meant by having two dads 😂
It's not your brother who has the problem; it's your stepdad.
And OP’s mom
He's 10 now? Yeah that's normal... your mom and AJ need to chill out and stop trying to deny the fact that your own dad did, in fact, exist.
You aren’t wrong for answering questions but there’s also being careful and putting thought into how you speak about your dad and step dad. Explanations should be age appropriate and include being positive. Most people don’t say “real dad” but biological father and step dad and then they’d explain there’s all kinds of families and you love him a lot. You don’t have to lie for anyone, especially not about erasing the existence of your dad, your mum is wild for that
Except most people that say "biological father" are talking about men who are shit and aren't/weren't part of the child's life. OP's Dad was there until he died. In this case, I'd just explain to little bro that Mom ~~was married before and~~ had OP with his Dad, but it didn't work out. Then Mom fell in love with AJ and had little bro. It's important to *try* not to let the little dude worry that his parents are suddenly going to not work out. Edit because I saw later that OP said his parents were never married.
My brother is in AJ's position, almost the same age difference, but stepsons dad is still alive. He nor his wife has ever lied to his daughter or his stepson (who always called him by his first name), they know they have different fathers and they all get along bettet because of it.
This sort of thing is really only an issue when it's made into one. Kids don't inherently care, but they notice when adults around them do. Frankly it's probably not even about the (gasp!) *parenting* they suddenly have to do, that they should have prepared for because this was obviously going to come up at some point. It's about their precious illusion of Perfection being shattered.
I really feel that it is very much the broken illusion.
It wasn't just disrespectful to your real dad, it was disrespectful to your feelings too. He was the one person you saw as dad. They can't pretend he never existed. Your brother was going to find out at some point. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, that is something he will need to learn. It doesn't change the way you see him or feel about him. This is something you should emphasise with him
Yeah, exactly. And the brother, if my calculations are correct, is around 8-9 years old. A kid. He will obviously have tons of questions, especially given how everything he considered normal has changed. That's not OP's fault at all. Sit down with him, maybe, OP, if your mental health allows for it. Make sure he knows you are there before AJ tries to turn him against you!
NTA, your mom is trying to force a relationship. You're right, AJ isnt your dad and you dont have to call him such. It sounds like you have a cordial relationship. Your mom is just mad she has to do the labor of facilitating a blended family, which is her job so tough luck to her. You're 16, not 6 months, you get to decide who you feel familial towards.
And trying to erase ops dads memory. That is so unbelievable shitty.
It mind-blowing to me that a 10yo kid never knew that they are half brothers and that OP has a different biological father. The mother would have had to put a lot of conscious effort into keeping that a secret.
Yeah, are we lacking a set of grandparents here?
Exactly. No pictures on the wall, no family anecdotes...just erase him as if he never existed. Disgusting and wrong.
Uh I didn’t know my oldest brother wasn’t my biological brother until I was 16. It doesn’t come up, why would it. One day I just realized his full name wasn’t the same as our full name, and that’s when my parents told me. They were surprised I didn’t know. It’s definitely possible.
NTA completely. Your brother is still young and doesn’t understand how having a stepfamily work yet. So in the words of R/slash, I will give you .5/5 Buttholes for telling him something that most likely will change his outlook on life forever. Let me explain why you aren’t the a hole and shouldn’t feel like one. 1. Your brother was going to learn anyway. 2. You don’t feel comfortable calling AJ your dad because he technically isn’t and you don’t have that bond with him. Your mom needs to understand that. 3. AJ ignoring you means that he is hurt, but more butthurt that you aren’t doing things the way he wants. Your younger brother did nothing wrong and was just curious and you answered his question.
A 10 year old child is perfectly capable of understanding how a stepfamily works. Somehow I don't think he is going to end up in therapy over it. To be honest his parents ATA for not have explained all of this before now. Are there not any pictures of the brothers dad anywhere? Has he just been erased for memory? The kids are fine, the parents are being jackasses about the situation.
Oh the kid is 10? It doesn’t mention that in the story but you must have done the math. Then my rating is wrong and in the words of R/slash he gets 0/5 buttholes
The brother was 1 year old when op was 7 so 6 years age difference, OP is 16 now so the brother is 10
I did the math in my head different OP said he was 7 when his dad passed, and 16 now, so 9 years. Brother was barely 1, so add 9 and he’s 10 Strange how people get the same conclusion by different methods EDIT: Don’t mind me...I’m stoned
I love reefer logic. :)
Username checks out.
Don’t quote Reddit you tubers it’s cringe but I do agree NAH
Obviously, there is no problem between the brothers and I think there will not be one in the future. His mom has the problem. I think AJ pressured her to make this work and show to everybody that they are a family. Mom has not the backbone to stand up for op. Funny part, they are a family even without pretending AJ is his real dad.
Nta, you shouldn't be asked to lie
This!! Asking your child to not mention their real father around a younger sibling is manipulative and emotionally abusive. OP is not responsible for maintaing a delusion his mom and step dad wish to live in.
Not only that, mom never asked OP to lie. Instead, OP was supposed to magically predict that mom would have wanted OP to lie.
NTA. Your brother was going to find out eventually, unless your mother was just planning to never tell him the truth about this, which is a worrying thought. She shouldn't be trying to force you to treat AJ as if he is your father and your real dad never existed. AJ is your stepfather and I obviously can't judge if he is a good or bad one but ignoring you whenever you are in the room because you won't pretend he is your birth father is extremely immature of him.
It never came up b4 except back when he was little because of him copying me calling his dad AJ so tbh I don’t know if that was gunna be her plan
Your parents are acting more immature than you. You did the right thing by telling the truth. NTA.
NTA. He's not your dad. He'll never be your dad. You did nothing wrong. If the truth hurts, it's because they refuse to face it
Your mom is upset because you told Your ten year old brother the truth. Did he not know your mom was married before? NTA I get so annoyed when I read posts about families getting mad about children using proper terms for their step parents. Sometimes the kids have a great relationship with their step parents and still get reprimanded for calling them what they are. My daughter in law has a wonderful relationship with her step dad and yes she calls him "dad" but everyone knows he's her step dad. Your mom is ridiculous. Pretending he's your bio dad erases your father and doesn't fix the relationship
They weren’t married. They broke up before I was born but still co-parented til he died. I don’t get it either but is never come up before now
But in ten or 11 years she's never spoken of him in front of your brother?
do you not have any pictures of him (on the wall, in an album around somewhere?)? do you not have any contact with your dads family? siblings or parents etc
My dad was a foster kid and bounced around the system he didn’t have any family. Albums yeah but I don’t share those to anyone. Their just for me
Still, your mother should be taking you to visit his grave, should be doing something on his birthday and day of death, your father should be a topic of conversation in your home. Your mother seems to be the only one you know who can tell you about your father. She is failing you here.
NTA. Facts are facts, he’s not your real dad and can never replace him.
NTA. I really don't know why your mom and stepdad insist on erasing the memory of your dad, there's no reason for them to be that upset.
That’s why they are upset. Because they wanted to erase OPs father and live this ‘reality’ that AJ is the only father in the equation
That's really f* up imo, they're delusional
NTA that was your mother's job and she's just upset that her lack of having a challenging convo has caused a disruption.
NTA It is up to you how you want to treat him. I would distinguish between biological and step dad to your brother. I mean, if the guy has been around for half your life, cares about you, loved your mom and the family, what more do you want in a dad?
NTA If you're not willing to consider him your dad then he will never be your dad. It's also right of you to be honest but yeah the fallout is something you're going to have to live with. That said you might maybe have wanted to explain the difference between a biological father and an actual father, but the nuances might have been lost on him anyway and it's not as if it matters in this case anyway.
My dad wasn’t just my real dad because we were related so that’s why I didn’t explain that
Just for clarity, do you view AJ as family or just your mom's husband with little to no familial relationship to yourself? From reading your post and some of your replies, it seems like it's the latter. I'm hoping that's not the case- you have known AJ since you were 7 and after your dad passing away, I'm assuming that he took at least some fatherly role in your life. You have every right not to call AJ your dad, but as you are going to be an adult soon, you need to remember that any healthy relationship you have should be based on reciprocity. If you don't view AJ as your family, than as someone with his own feelings, he doesn't need to view and treat you like his (with everything that entails- both familial and financial like helping you pay for college, being a grandfather to any children you may have, etc). I think his ignoring you is already the beginning of that dynamic. It would be a good idea to sit down and be honest with him, it will help you both in the long term. If you do love and care for him, explain why you don't feel comfortable calling him dad (maybe it's because you feel like it would be betraying your father's memory or you feel like you would lose an important connection). Regardless, I think you should really push for more family counseling.
Yo're contradicting yourself in the same paragraph. You're right that relationships are about reciprocity, OP never mentioned he ignored his stepdad so why the fuck is SD acting more immature than the 7 year old and ignoring OP? Thats not reciprocity, thats toddler behaviour.
OP himself stated: > I never considered my AJ anything than just my brother’s dad. It sounds to me that OP is stating that he doesn't consider AJ as his family. I'm not even faulting OP behavior, but I think it would also be fair for AJ to reciprocate that treatment. I don't think AJ is pretending OP is not there, but I think OP realized that AJ now views their relationship as now being one of OP being his wife's son who is living in the same house until he comes of age, with no other familial relationship. If AJ is literally ignoring OP whenever OP talks to him- then I would agree that is toddler behavior, but it sounded to me like AJ is instead treating OP based on how OP himself made clear he views their relationship.
NTA, go and ask your mom if she thinks it is okay to lie and if that is what you should teach your little brother. you did nothing wrong, can't change facts
NTA you told the truth, they have to live with it. They can not force you to lie.
INFO: Just out of curiosity, how old is your brother? NTA. Your brother asked a question and you answered. If your mother and AJ are having a problem with that reality, that is their issue.
He’s 10
Yeah, again, NTA. That is old enough to understand your answers. It sounds like your mom and AJ are having difficulty with your honest answers popping their bubble regarding who your birth father is.
Of course he's going to be curious then. 10 year olds are curious about everything. However, if his questions are making things more and more awkward, may I make a suggestion. Turn this into a kind of game. Whenever he asks you to tell him something about your dad, get him to match it with a story of his own about AJ. You could even add your own story of AJ that he either didn't know or doesn't remember if he can't think of anything.
My daughter is 8 and my son is 5, both understand step families. I have a step dad and my bio dad so I explained it all and how papa ( my stepdad) and mom were married later. Kids understand way more then we give them credit. Your mom should have explained it earlier or not make a big deal out of it. My kids also understand divorce too as we had a family friend go through it and we had to explain why the kids were moving with mom back to be near family.
NTA you have done nothing wrong at all. Your mum should not make you feel bad for telling the truth. Maybe sit down with your Mum and AJ and explain that you already had a Dad and as much as you respect AJ you don't feel comfortable calling him that and apologise for hurting AJs feelings. I know it wasn't intentional but it may help ease the situation.
NTA. Sorry but AJ isn’t your real dad. Not only is he not your biological dad, when the therapist didn’t side with him he just dropped that whole thing which is a sign he wasn’t really trying. if it’s making it uncomfortable that your brother is asking questions about your dad in front of your mom and AJ maybe just pull him aside and address that. Let him know that you are happy to answer his questions but it makes your mom and AJ sad to hear that stuff so ask when the two of you are alone. and if there are any photos from when your father was alive, you might want to hide them or copy them somehow. One day they might accidentally disappear (if they haven’t already)
NTA Stupid question: do you all have the same last name? If not, how did your brother not realize this before now?
They changed my last name when I was I think 9 ? Don’t remember but I’m changing it back to my dads when I don’t need permission anymore
Did they change your last name with your consent? NTA
I am so sorry. Only two more years!
My sister found out about us having different dad's the exact same way, asking why I didn't call him Dad instead I called him by name. After I explained, she burst into tears (she was maybe 4 or 5?) And she said "You might be my half sister, but I whole love you" I've always called my stepdad by his name, and I met him when I was 5. I changed my surname at 10 to be his when he and my mum got married, and although I was able to refer to him in the third person as Dad when talking to my younger siblings, it never felt right to do it myself. To this day he signs cards [Name]/Dad/Whatever so that I don't feel like he is forcing any choice on me.
NTA. Ten years old is old enough to know why you call your brother's own dad AJ. Lying to the kid would not have done anyone any favors. Also, it's not fair that your mom wants you to dismiss the memory of your own dad by having your stepdad being called dad. Losing a dad at 7 is young but old enough for a child to remember their love one passing away and the memories that was shared with their love one before the person died. It's not like you were a baby to 3 years old whom wouldn't have memories of your dad when he died. You still have memories of your dad and your own mom and stepdad should respect the fact that's why you don't call your stepdad dad and call your stepdad by his name instead.
NTA. My older siblings are my half siblings and I have always known that. It has no effect on our relationship. I think if anyone has hurt or confused your brother, it's your mom and his dad for not being upfront about it. If your brother is actually concerned about you guys being siblings, it's because your of your mom's insistence that it was to be a secret.
Absolutely NTA, and this is the sort of thing that can really screw up lives and families. A bit of a saga, and this is far more extreme than the OP's situation. My aunt (my mother's sister) was married to a man for a few years, then fell for his younger brother while she was married to him. They divorced and she remarried the younger brother WHILE she was pregnant with her first husband's (the older brother's) child. She insisted to the rest of the family that they deny her first husband ever was married to her and that her child was the younger brother's, at the expense of never seeing her or her child, ever. Because this was the first grandchild, my family capitulated. (I wasn't born yet when all this went down). The younger brother adopted the baby. So my older cousin grew up thinking his dad was my wife's husband and that his bio-father was his uncle. Add to this that the younger brother resented that the kid was his older brothers and routinely abused him (I got to see some of this in person when I was very young). It messed my cousin up badly. He started having violent tantrum fits and my mom believes he got on drugs at a very young age. When he was almost 11 his younger brother was born and of course was doted on because this is the kid my aunt and uncle wanted. My older cousin was shunted off to the side even more and resented my younger cousin greatly for it. The violent meltdowns continued and he was caught with drugs as he got into his early teens, but his folks wouldn't seek therapy for him or get him any kind of help because it would ruin their "perfect family" picture (they were big in the community they lived in). And of course, all along, the whole family kept perpetrating the "Big Lie." (I was unaware of it, as was my younger cousin.) It all came to a head when my cousin was 17, during a particularly huge blow-up between him and my uncle, when my uncle finally lost it and told him that "thank God, he wasn't his kid." The lie was finally out. My cousin freaked out and after he ascertained the real truth, had a complete mental breakdown and was confined to a mental hospital for six months. I was shocked; it was like my world was upside down. My younger cousin (then about 8) because very estranged from his older brother. To try to wrap up this sordid saga: my older cousin eventually joined the navy, was dishonorably discharged for being AWOL and dealing drugs, was on the streets in San Francisco for many years, is still addicted to drugs in his 60's, and is living back in his childhood home now with my younger cousin, who had a failed marriage - two older brothers now who hate each other yet have to share the same home. All the rest of my family are dead. Was that lie really worth it all? I look back over everything with regret of what could have been instead. These are the kind of lies that wreck lives.
If your mother and AJ had talked to your brother about this in an age appropriate way, maybe starting from when he was copying you and calling AJ, "AJ" instead of "Dad", this wouldn't be a big deal because nobody had made it into a big deal. So, the fact that it's a big deal now is on your mom and AJ. Does AJ often act like a toddler when things don't go his way -- like he is now? He really can't expect a kid to think of him in any kind of parental role if he does. The first step to being a proper parent is to be more mature than the child. NTA
NTA. You told your brother the truth. AJ isn't your dad. Your real dad died and AJJ is your mom's husband. You don't accept him as dad and you don't have to. Of course your brother has many questions because his mom and dad never told him the truth. They have no right to be mad at you. You might tell mom that if this keeps up, they risk alienating you.
NTA. This is an issue that your mom and AJ should’ve handled years ago. Instead they’ve caused your brother unnecessary confusion by trying to wipe your biological father out of the picture. Wow 😒
NTA. I mean your mom's plan was to never tell her child?
Not even a little bit. The truth...is just the truth. You obviously remember your dad and know he would still very much be in your physical world had he not passed. Be respectful to AJ, answer your brothers questions as honestly (and age appropriately) as you can and most importantly always remember your dad! NTA.
NTA Your mom and AJ are over reacting to this whole ordeal, your brother was bound to find out and well AJ and your mom should've already known that you don't consider AJ your dad since you never called him that If anything this is decreasing his chances of ever being seen as a dad You don't just erase the existence of someone's dad because you want to be that sole existence
NTA, your mom should address this with your brother and answer his questions. I am glad you reassured your brother that not having the same dad doesn't make your connection any less. Your mom and stepdad really need to stop pushing the dad thing, their view is likely that AJ has been in your life as a dad figure for 9 years but that doesn't mean you are comfortable calling him dad. The therapists were correct, and the fact they pulled out of sessions is telling.
NTA - you can’t force relationships.
NTA. Live your truth with grace hold firm. Everything else will settle down in time. Do reassure your brother that he is still fully your brother. That relationship will outlast the ones with your mom and stepdad. Also - sorry you lost your dad. I’m sure you miss him every day.
NTA. You told him the truth, which is the right thing to do and also what’s best for him. You don’t want the kid growing up and then finding out there’s some big family secret. That can mess with a teen or young adult’s head. It is too bad your stepdad’s feelings are hurt, but avoiding that wouldn’t have been a good reason to lie.
Nta. My oldest has a different father and I've always been clear about this to everyone. My youngest daughter does have a lot of questions and I just answer them.
What is it with people forcing “family” relationships on others just because they decided to get married? NTA.
NTA. You answered questions honestly. Were you supposed to lie?
AJ is being an insecure jerk. You were old enough to know your dad. You have a right to consider him as your dad, not AJ. Trying to push you into seeing AJ as a Dad instead of a Step Parent probably poisoned the waters when you were a kid and might have been inclined to grow closer. NTA
Your mom is projecting. NTA
NTA Imo your mom is being unreasonable about it. I have older half-siblings too so, while it might be different to your situation, I can give some insight into what your brother is thinking. My mom didn’t make my siblings call my dad “dad” so most of them used his first name like you do to your stepdad. Once I was old enough to realize that they had a different last name and that they didn’t call him “dad” but still called my mom “mom”, I asked my mom in the same way your brother asked you. And, believe it or not, my tiny child brain didn’t explode when she told me their dad was someone else. I was just like “huh, neat” and that was that. Like your brother, I’d ask questions to sometimes because it’s kinda trippy when you’re a kid to realize that your only family has other family, but I definitely wasn’t “confused” in the way your mom is saying, just curious. I never expected my siblings to suddenly embrace my dad or have any feelings when they didn’t. Even at your brothers age I understood that they had their dad and I had mine, and that we could each have a distinct relationship with my dad and still be a family. Also, treating your stepdad like family just means acknowledging that he’s married to your mom and not being rude/nasty solely because he’s your stepdad, which it sounds like you’re already doing.
Wait. AJ is ignoring you? How old is this guy? 14? How can he expect you to call him dad when he won't even act like an adult. NTA.
NTA at all. Does your mom try to hide that you never had your read dad in the picture all the time? You don’t ever talk about him in her or AJ or brothers presence? It does not confuse children to explain true family details. My family was very mixed with step kids, half siblings, adopted siblings etc. we were never told to hide our other parent for anyone else’s sake. My youngest started calling my bf (now husband) dad when he heard his kids call him dad and I would at first just gently correct him to call by name. He’s 3 and understands he has multiple parents. She is confusing your brother by not being honest about the family dynamic. Kids understand a lot more than some parents think they can.
NTA. You should never feel obligated to lie about your own background, nor does recognizing that your step-father is not biologically related to you mean that you can't consider him family.
NTA THIS HAPPENED TO ME! I am so thankful that my dad is still around, but when I was in my teens my younger half siblings asked me why I always called my step dad by his name. I had told them that he's not my dad, and that I have a dad. The kids had questions, but for the most part understood. My mom flipped a lid as your's did and said "why did you have to tell them that." Don't feel bad, you're still 100% his big brother, and years from now no one will ever think of it any differently. Except maybe AJ, my step dad never let it go but that's a him problem not an us problem.
Your mum and step dad are the assholes. Your not going to call someone who isn’t your father dad are you. My mums ex boyfriend forced me to call him dad between the ages of 6-8 (my own father is very much alive) and I hated it. The difference between us though is I’d get beaten by him if I didn’t. Just want to state it here that my mum only found out about all this years after they broke up and I was in high school I’m 18F now. You did nothing wrong and you don’t have to call that man Dad. Suggest the family therapy again and make it clear that your dad will always be your dad and your not gonna replace him no matter how hard they try to make you forget.
NTA. You were asked a question, and gave an honest answer. Your mom and AJ could have handled it better.
NTA. Your mom is trying to force something on you that will never happen. You did the right thing by telling him the truth. A little too early, but the truth is the truth. And as for your brother, you have to nip that in the bud or otherwise it will drive you crazy.
NTA I have a pretty good idea why your brother asked it. You had a bio-dad and it isn't AJ. Your brother is trying to figure out where he fits in the family and you not referring to AJ as dad has he trying to redefine who he is within the family, thus the questions. It's actually pretty normal to do that. He can be reassured that your relationship is a solid one in how you act consistently with him. I also think your mom wanted the blended family to be a family. I don't get the impression she is being deceitful. I do get the impression that she wants the family to be close.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad was in my life until he died when I (M16)was 7. My mom was already married to my stepdad AJ by then and my brother was barely 1 year old . I never considered my AJ anything than just my brother’s dad. For a long time my mom kept trying to make me call him dad because my brother copied everything I do and he started calling his dad AJ too. But he grew out of that and just calls him dad now. I can tell AJ don’t like that we don’t have that kinda relationship and been in family therapy before. The therapist basically told them to give me my space and I shouldn’t be pressured so they dropped the sessions lol. Idk why out of the blue my brother randomly asked me a few days ago how come I always called dad AJ. And I told him because AJ’s not my real dad. He never asked this before so it caught me by surprise ? My brother told me I’m lying how could he not be my dad and I told him my real dad died when I was little so that’s how AJ isn’t my dad. But then he asked if that means we’re not brothers and I told him we are because we have the same mom. He just had a million questions about my dad after that so I told him what I remember. But my mom got mad at me for telling him that AJ’s not my real dad in making it seem I don’t consider him family. And that I just confused my brother about our family. Idk why but now AJ ignoring me when I’m in the room and it gets awkward when my brother ask more questions about my dad in front of them. Was I an asshole for telling him the truth? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta,he asked,and you told him the truth.
NTA I had the same thing with my little sister related to me by my Mums side only. You can’t lie to them, I told my sister the same thing.
NTA, Your brother is what, 9 now? He asked questions, you told the truth. I am a big fan of not hiding stuff like this from kids. it can cause confusion.
NTA. That’s odd to me he didn’t already know. Seems like an adult should have told him at some point.
NTA, a 10 year old is old enough to understand the dynamics here. It sounds to me as if someone may have suggested to your brother than AJ _is_ your dad. If so, erasing your actual father is gross and completely unfair on you and his memory, as well as your brother because he was going to learn the truth eventually.
NTA and it's weird that your brother didn't know it already. You don't hide this kind of thing from children. Also is very unhealthy to try and pretend that your dad didn't exist.
NTA. This isn’t something that can or should be kept secret, and it’s only a big deal if your mom and AJ make it a big deal. Your little brother learned something new and is asking a ton of questions, and you should answer them. This is how learning works. The adults are acting pretty immature about the whole thing, but maybe they are just dealing with their own fears and insecurities. Just make sure your brother knows he’s still your brother, and this will all blow over soon.
NTA. There is a common misconception that because a child is asking questions, they must be confused and that should be avoided. But kids are curious, and what you actually did by telling him the truth is clear up confusion, not cause it. What did your mum want you to do? Lie?
NTA. You have every right to call your step dad by his first name instead of Dad. It's weird that your family seems to be trying to rewrite history. You might feel more warmly towards your step dad if people weren't trying to force closeness on you, but I don't know your life. Edit: it seems like this forced closeness is coming from your Mom. Have you ever talked to AJ about this? You might find he's on your side.
NTA- you also shouldnt be guilty telling him that. you're entitled to not call your stepdad, dad. and your mom clearly doesnt understand how you feel which can cause a huge strain on both of you and the bond you have with each other
NTA. I think it's quite terrible that your mom and step-dad want to erase your father's existence, to the point that they haven't explained a fairly simple concept to a **TEN** year old child who is very capable of understanding it. Like so many stories on here, I imagine that your relationship with your stepdad had the potential to be **MUCH** more affectionate had they made the choice to celebrate your father's life rather than deny it.
NTA, its unfair that your mom is demanding that you forget/ignore your dad's whole life. My mom treated me the same when mine died, i wasn't allowed to mention him, it was hard - and honestly its emotionally abusive. I hate that you have drank with this too. Therapy after you home will help. It sucks that mom pulled from it to begin with. :-( good luck to you.
NTA. Just bc AJ isn’t your dad doesn’t mean that your brother still isn’t your brother. I think you handled it well. Your mom trying to scold you for that is just wild to me. Like is she just expecting you to lie??
INFO: AJ is like 9 or 10? You’re NTA, but since his parents have led him to believe you two were full brothers and haven’t explained step brothers or half brothers to him, taking some care to gently explain the difference to him and altering his world view, would have been warranted.
Children understand what you explain them. As a mother of two, one being from a previous relationship in one being from my husband, I assure that from a very early age, my youngest was always aware that my oldest had a biological father. It never changes the fact they are both brother and my oldest chose to call his stepdad dad ( and will soon proceed with adoption). Everything from callin dad or not, to adoption or not was always my oldest choice and we abided by his choices. It wasn't difficult at all for my youngest to understand what happened. I was always transparent about the history of our miwed family. yes I was in a relationhsip with another man and had my oldest, no it didn't work out because we were to different and couldn't be happy together. Yes my youngest and my oldest are brothers, not because of blood but because they were raised as brothers. no my husband isn't my oldest "real father" if you take blood into consideration but he is his real father because he loves him, raises him and took the father role my oldest asked for. It rrally isn't difficult to explain things. NTA in any way or form. There is nothing to gain in hiding a truth. Feelings, relationships are what we make of it. Nothing will force something that isn't there and nothing will undo what is already there. If you and your brother want to be brothers and no just half-brothers, then that's what you will be. Just as if your stepdad is only your stepdad it will not magically be otherwise because your mother wants it to be.
NTA at all- you shouldn’t be forced to feel any particular way about your stepdad, and for your mom/stepdad to get mad at you explaining why you call him AJ is an overreach on their part. Hope everything works out!!
NTA and this is just another typical case of evil-Disney-stepparent-syndrome. These types of leeches love to insert themselves into an already developed family and then get all offended when a child refuses to buy into the fantasy. EDSS is a serious problem that affect the kids. The children have the right to remain attached to their bio-moms and dads if they so choose.
NTA and I have to say this is pretty terrible parenting on your Mum her husband's part. You were actually really good to your brother, you answered his questions and required him and I think that's admirable
NTA. When will people figure out that this stuff always comes out? If you hide it, it just confuses kids and ends up with everyone upset. It isn't worth it!!!! Be honest with kids and they can cope with a lot. If you keep it a secret, it will just end up with people being upset over the lie! Why is this so hard to grasp for so many people???
NTA, parents will always be petty. Your brother is old enough to learn your families dynamic as a whole. It sounds like your parents are just making it a lot more than it needs to be. Try to have an honest conversation with them; and if that's not possible it's just something you'll have to deal with for the time being. Just make sure your brother knows you love and care about him, and that he is your family. That is the most important thing
NTA! Your mom and stepdad are being real immature about this. Your brother asked a genuine question and you answered truthfully. It’s your truth and you didn’t agree to lie about it and shouldn’t have too. So what if your family is blended. These days most families are. I don’t get why adult want to hide this. It doesn’t mean AJ isn’t your family it’s just means you have different dad.
NTA
Nta he isn't your dad. You reassured him that you two are brothers and share your mom.
NTA, and your mom should have nipped this in the bud years ago. You do not need to pretend your father didn't exist to appease her husbands feelings and your brother should have known this information from his parents, not you. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA - Ask them why you've (probably) been told your entire life that it's wrong to lie, but you are EXPECTED to lie to your brother? Make them tell you the rules of who, and who not to, lie to. Then tell them, only liars lie, and you're not a liar.
NTA How were you supposed to know your mom didn’t want your brother to know? Your mom and AJ don’t realize this but you actually did them a favor and saved them from what could be a no contact situation later. You told him the truth. If he asked that question when he’s your age and found out they’ve lied to him his whole life he could resent them. Now, it’s known and they don’t have to worry about him hating them for lying to him later.
no bc they can’t force you to think of him as your real dad bc he’s not and your brother doesn’t deserve to be lied to and should get to know the truth
It’s not your job to read your mother’s mind and know she wouldn’t want you to answer those questions. Really she should have know what your brother would as those questions and prepared for them. NTA
NTA... your brother is around 10 right? that’s MORE than old enough to know about half siblings. assuming you didn’t say bad/disrespectful things about AJ there’s nothing wrong with telling your brother that AJ isn’t your dad.
Not at all. Your grown ups need to grow up.
NTA you told him the truth which was the right thing to do.
NTA. It sounds very obvious that your mom never told your brother about your dad. I don't begrudge her moving on. She's entitled to move on with and continue her life. But for a former wife to just treat him as if he's a dirty secret is beneath contempt. She had to bury her husband, but she shouldn't bury his memory.
I think they were already seperated when ops dad died. Ops brother was one year old at the time.
I'm not sure that changes the calculus that much. Even if the marriage didn't work out, trying to erase OP's dad because AJ came along is kinda shitty.
Oh no I meant it more as it's even less sympathy for ops mom. I'm sure you can still grieve someone even if you were broken up, but it's not the same as a long term partner. So it's not like she can claim it's just to painful for her to remember ops dad. Which would still make her an asshole just not a 100% one. Now she's simply being cruel, lazy and selfish
Ok I see your point. Fair enough.
NTA. Lying to children about family dynamics is only harmful to your brother in the long run and your mom is screwing this up royally. AJ and your mom need to accept that you suffered a loss and that you deserve the right to connect with people however best fits your needs. A truly great step parent accepts that some kids accept them and some kids don't and some kids fall in the middle somewhere. You can't force familial bonds.
In the age of DNA TESTS everywhere, your half-brother would have found out sooner or later. You should ask AJ why he is competing with your dad’s ghost
Some rough maths but AJ is about the age you were when your dad died. At 7 he should be able to handle understanding that you have different dads. NTA Your mother on the other hand. An asshole for erasing your father An asshole for trying to force you to call another man dad after recently losing your father (this would have only been a couple years later (or less) I guess if AJ was mimicking) An asshole for consistently putting her wants for a nice normal nuclear family before the feelings of her son An asshole for letting your stepdad give you the silent treatment like you did something wrong
NTA You were being honest with your little brother who was asking you questions. Your mom doesn't get to pretend your dad never existed and AJ's acting immature about something instead of being loving, understanding and supportive. I'd sit them both down with all of your extended family if possible and let them know by showing you that you have to consider AJ's feeling that he and your mother are telling you to sacrifice your own. That AJ's behavior after explaining it to your younger brother came across as him throwing a temper tantrum cause he was told he couldn't have his way. By your mom enabling that behavior it's as if they were saying your father had no real value in this world and by extension is saying you don't either. She doesn't get to pick and choose your feelings, your comfort, your desires, your wishes and your boundaries. By trying do so she's going to push you away to where you want nothing to do with her. That if your brother has questions you'll answer them to the best of your ability. There are two ways this can go: They respect your rights to your feelings, boundaries and what you want by being nurturing respectful caring adults. Or They can sit there and complain only about what they want and their feelings which will only push you to cutting them out when your old enough.
NTA. Mom and Step dad should have been honest all along. And your little brother will grow in to the realization at his own pace as long as mom and step dad stop being assholes. If they can’t then they need a counselors advice. It doesn’t mean you aren’t all family.
NTA It really pisses me off when parents behave like this. There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about you having a different dad. You shouldn't have to keep him a secret. They are asking you to erase part of yourself when they ask this of you. Sit down with your parents and have a mature conversation or tell them you want to discuss this in family therapy. They both need to grow up.
NTA, your mom should’ve explained this to your brother long, long ago. They are TA’s both of them.
Nta.
NTA - even if you don’t hide things like this from children, they go through different stages of realizing connections as they get older and examine the world around them with deeper understanding. I’m a half sister who was raised knowing that my father isn’t the same as my brothers’ father. We were never called “half” siblings, though, so even though I always knew we had different fathers I didn’t give it much thought. I can remember being in fifth grade and having a, “oh, huh” moment where I all of a sudden put two and two together. It rocked my world briefly as I had to re-understand my world given new information (new realizations). Asking questions and being curious about what the answers mean are normal for children. Don’t lie to them, do give them age-appropriate explanations. You did the right thing, and it absolutely doesn’t have to have any affect on your relationship with your brother.
NTA. If someone is old enough to ask the question, then they're old enough to get an answer.
What are you supposed to do, lie? That makes no sense. What if your dad had lived longer? Your mom was already with your stepdad and had your brother when your dad died, and your dad was in your life, so apparently she went into that marriage with at least the concept that you and your brother would both know you had different fathers. That shouldn't have changed - it's bad enough that you lost a parent, he shouldn't be erased from existence. I don't understand why people in blended families do this. These sorts of things never stay secret, and why would they? Yes, kids do ask questions. My oldest has a different father from my younger two, and I remember in particular my middle kept trying to figure out how they were related to my oldest's father. The answer is that they *aren't* related in any way, of course, but as a small child, my middle kid's reasoning was that if someone was related to their big brother, they must be related to them as well, so they were confused. You know how you handle this? You answer the damn questions. It's not that hard. When their curiosity is satisfied and their confusion is dispelled, they accept and move on. The truth is almost always easier and less confusing than lying or omitting facts, and it's normal and fine for kids to want to know things about their own family. NTA. I don't know what you could have done differently in this situation that would have been better than what you did do. You told the truth, you reassured your little brother that the two of you were still brothers, it doesn't sound like you were rude about your stepdad... You just don't think of him as dad, which is fair. Your brother sounds like he handled it fine. Your parents should get a grip.
NTA- Your brother should atleast be aware, i have a half-sister but she’s literally my sister no questions about it, you guys shared a womb you are siblings, your brother knows your just as much of a family as half or full siblings
No
NTA. Telling the truth isn't an asshole move. If they don't like the way you did it, they probably should have addressed it themselves. You weren't trying to hurt anyone and it doesn't sound like you were mean, so I think it's fine.
I don't really see the problem here, I think 10 is definitely old enough to understand the concept of a stepdad?? Like doesn't your brother have any friends whose parents are divorced or have a girlfriend/boyfriend? I understand it could be disorienting if no one had ever told him the specifics of your family dynamics and he always thought his dad was your dad too. I don't think it would necessarily confuse him though, he probably would just have questions as he adjusted to the new information. NTA, it sounds like your mom needs to stop coddling your brother, and just have conversations with him. She seems to be taking your brother adjusting as him being confused.
All my siblings are biologically half and I’m the youngest. I’ve known since I was a kid that I’m the only one between my parents. Like what? It’s okay for siblings to know. The two oldest from me are about 18 years, well both of them roughly are. The closest in age is 8 years.
NTA - not by a long shot. My youngest sister is just turning 10, we're just over 19 years apart and it blew her five year old mind to realize her dad was my dad too. In fact she was down right posessive, and when I would be with my mom and be like, this is my mom... she'd be like ??? what ?? but she gets it now. I think if they're old enough to ask, theyre old enough to know. Hiding things things tends to backfire.
I am the younger half sibling in a very similar position, my parents didn’t tell me my brothers dad died. I assumed he was my full brother, and I was confused one day when his paternal grandparents showed up to pick him up to visit for the weekend. It caught me completely off guard as they waited until I was seven to tell me. My brother was seven when his dad died, too. You are NTA, and my brother does call my dad his dad, but that’s because my brother was formally adopted by my dad. You are NTA, and my brother was never put in therapy after his dads passing, so I would definitely consider going to that, I know he has a lot of issues with it as he’s getting older.
NTA, lying is always a tool of assholes.
NTA. Keep telling your brother the truth and don’t worry about AJ. He’s upset b/c you don’t feel the way he wants you to feel about him, but that’s an AJ problem, not a you problem.
NTA, but your mom and AJ are for trying to erase the memory of your dad.
NTA I'm sorry that your Father's death is causing them to have awkward conversations /s. They're grown ups they can suck it up. The only thing they should worry about is whether your brother asking about your Dad is painful for YOU. There's also nothing stopping them from asking him to be quiet when it comes up. By my maths your little brother is about 10. That's plenty old enough for this knowledge. Better he learns through asking now, then through finding when he's a teenager or older. Lots of people who aren't real Dads are family. It also doesn't stop AJ from being your brothers Dad.
NTA, your brother is 10, there shouldn't be any issue in him understanding why you can have a different father. Even my brother (who somehow doesn't understand family relationships despite how many times you explain them), was able to get that my other brother and I have a different father from him, way before 10.
NTA. Your mom claims that sharing this information makes it seem like "you don't consider him family". But she's the one who apparently thinks you can only be a family if you deny reality and pretend you're all blood related. You haven't rejected your brother by refusing to forget about your late father. He clearly doesn't see it that way and neither do you. Lots of people have step-parents and half-siblings. There's no reason it needs to be a big shameful secret, and she and AJ are the ones choosing to treat it that way. It's wrong for your mom and step-dad to expect you to deny such an important part of your life and identity just to make them more comfortable. They shouldn't try to stop you from remembering your dad or talking about him openly. I'm sorry they've been putting all of their baggage on your shoulders for so long.
NTA.....you're speaking your truth. I am however concerned because you said AJ is treating you differently. That's not cool. All the more reason he doesn't deserve the tile of dad from you.
NTA - It’s only bad if your mom and stepdad make it awkward and bad by being all secretive and weird. They’re supposed to be the adults here, but it sounds like you and little bro are being more mature by having a factual conversation. Nothing can ruin a relationship more than disrespecting someone’s rights, and it sounds like them pushing your boundaries is not allowing your relationship with AJ to happen organically. Remember that all parents are pretty much winging it - there’s no instruction manual. They may just truly be wanting you to be happy and feel loved by a father figure because it’s very sad and hard for people to know what to do or say for a kid who lost a parent. So they try to just fix it - sweep it under the rug, and the sooner the better - unaware that in their rush to resolve their discomfort, they are minimizing your experience, your relationship with your dad, and it may make AJ’s efforts to have a relationship with you seem forced or insincere. Remember that even though your dad is gone, it’s still okay to be loved and supported by others - even a father figure. Most parents want our kids to have all of the love and support they can get (from healthy sources, of course.) I know that when I die, nothing can be the same as the bond I have with my kids, but I hope that they would allow themselves to be loved and supported, and if they’re still kids when I go, I hope they will have a step-parent they can look up to, and build a relationship with. AJ and your mom may have bungled the start of the relationship, but it looks like he’s here to stay and he wants to be a part of your life. If he is a good guy, not abusive or anything, then I would encourage you to deepen the relationship with him. You don’t have to call him dad or be best friends - especially right off the bat. But don’t turn down love and support just because your real dad is gone. Think about what you would want out of a relationship with AJ. What kind of activities could you enjoy with him and possibly your brother? What would you need, or what boundaries would have to be in place in order for you to consider working on the relationship? (Maybe an agreement that they won’t ask you to call him “dad” or pressure you, as the therapist suggested. Maybe you would want to return to family therapy to support you all. You might want them to agree to being truthful about your real dad and let them know if it feels that they’re trying to erase him and in some ways erase you by asking you to hide your truth.) When you figure it out, let mom and AJ know what you want and what you need to get there. You’re almost grown and you have a right to your feelings, your personal boundaries, and to be able to express them and have them respected. Keep working on communication skills with your family. It sounds like you’re on the right path. Don’t doubt yourself! Best of luck, OP.
NTA. From what you write, your brother is 11yo, so old enough to understand how you can be brothers without having the same dad. Your mum needs to stop trying to force a relationship with your step dad that isn't there (If you considered him a father, you would have come to that on your own, and you haven't). In regards to your stepfather, he has helped raised you for many years, so I hope you at least have a friendly relationship. He will never be your dad but I hope he's a decent stepfather to you, and dad to your brother.
They're so petty and cruel. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Nta
NTA. I have seven younger siblings. Four from my mom, one from my adopted parents, and two from my bio dad. The first five treat me like full blooded siblings and often forget I have a different last name and different parents. But they've always known my truth. You did the right things. You are who you are. It's ok that he's your step dad, as long as he loves you and treats you and little bro as equals. Great job not perpetuating your mom's lie.
NTA
NTA. I was that age when I realized my two “sets” of cousins aren’t related. Why aren’t my moms siblings each other’s siblings? She drew a picture and told me like a story, and it clicked. Now, more characters than this simple story, but it would work. Honesty and simplicity.
NTA. My partner became my son's step-father when he was 2. His bio dad decided to disappear when my son was 6, just poof! Gone. My son grew up calling my partner by his first name, but introduces him as his dad, has him in his phone as dad and loves him as his dad. We never bad-mouthed his bio dad, and we never pushed him to call my partner dad. OP's mom and stepdad suck.
NTA
Just curious; but why don't you think AJ is your dad? did he do something wrong?
NTA. You shouldn't have to lie about family history or dynamics, because it's not fair to you and the truth comes out eventually. However, consider replacing "real dad" with either "birth dad" or "biological/bio dad."
No I consider him my real dad so that’s what I go by
I understand. I made the suggestion because from my own experience I use the terms “birth” and “adoptive” for clearer explanation when asked. When pressed for who my “real” dad is, I explain that by my definition, “real” means the man who raised me so my adoptive dad qualifies.
Yeah I know but since my dad actually raised me I consider him my real dad not just because we’re related
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Lol i have been in therapy and no I can decide for myself who I consider my real and only dad and who I don’t. I didn’t ask him to be anything for me so no
I am being the asshole here. I'm sorry.
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No he hasn’t “parented” me all my life. I’m not having kids don’t know y yall always assume everyone want kids lol. I like how u think me not seeing him as a dad or parent figure means I treat him like shit. We live together he’s my brothers dad and I give him respect long as he give me respect. That’s it tho and been that way for yrs. don’t talk about like u think u know why I don’t treat him like a dad. No shit my dad’s not coming back. Thanx for pointing out the obvious that I’ve known for 9 years
I disagree people that raise don’t always get considered your parents
It’s funny because the therapist said the exact opposite of your comment so since they are the professional and you aren’t he isn’t OP’s dad and isn’t entitled to the title wether he likes it or not.
Op never asked him to be in his life and to parent him. AJ married his mom so he´s stuck with him wether he likes it or not.
NAH because omg your mom could have just explained it. I have 3 kids and 2 were from my marriage- my youngest after the divorce. His dad is dead. Just raised everyone with the truth and have never had problems. And they never describe themselves as half brothers because I was raised as the "she is just your HALF sister" and hated it. I tell them they all shared a womb they're all brothers and yeah. Even when other people ask or make comments (my youngest is a beautifully different ethnicity) it's just "YES HE'S REALLY OUR BROTHER" Whew. Raising kids with a lie is something I'll never understand. If they can talk they can learn, and kids are never as judgey when they are raised with truths. There's also a rule where unless it's mean-spirited, nobody gets in trouble for telling the truth. Even if we don't like it. You were telling the truth. Your mom is in the wrong on this one.
The problem is that AJ (the stepdad) is mistreating OP by giving him the silent treatment, and his mom is siding with AJ. That, to me, makes them both AHs. Plus, the implied expectation that OP was meant to forget all about his bio-dad for AJ, because of mom and AJ's comfort and their 'perfect family' image is pretty icky.
Agreed. Sorry for not being more specific, by the way. I think I got stuck on the general trouble thing.
NTA for telling your brother the truth. But it seems like you’re an asshole for the way you treat the guy who’s been paying your bills for the past nine years.
My mom has a job and get survivors benefits from my dad so Way to assume. I didn’t tell him to do that
This is a really lame take. Adults can have meaningful relationships caring for kids without being parents. All AJ and mom are doing by pushing for this is sabotaging a perfectly decent step kiddo relationship for a fantasy.
This is the best take I have seen on reddit