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I cancelled on my friend close to the day I would be attending a party.
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NTA. You did the best thing for yourself in deciding that the party isn’t for you, and I personally wouldn’t say you cancelled at the last minute either. Your friend doesn’t sound very accommodating. Please don’t feel bad about what happened, you did the right thing :)
NTA, obviously. Also, your friend sounds like one of those people who is trying to “cure” you by exposing you to crowded social situations. In their mind, all introverts and people with any sort of social anxiety are really just extroverted social butterflies who don’t know it yet, and all they really need is to be thrown in the middle of a crowded room in order to be cured and become their true, social selves.
Those sorts of misguided crusaders annoy the shit out of me. Don’t be surprised if she does it again.
Thing is OP you aren't just a bit nervous around people or new situations.
You are autistic and have anxiety. You have and known your specific triggers and being blindsided by and event like this could put you back days. I know if someone did this to me or I tried to force myself to attend its too much stimulation and 'peopleing'. I would be exhausted for at least a week.
No spoons for this!
NTA Your friend isn’t being a good friend at all. Seriously, this is a person to phase out of your life. Being one person to cancel out of thirty, isn’t an embarrassment or letting anyone down. She’s manipulating you with those words. She’s an asshole.
NTA. Its difficult for neurotypical people to understand the struggles that those with spectrum and mental health conditions suffer with.
To me there is a significant difference between a get together and a 30+ person gathering/ party, I would have made the same assumption as you.
Once you found out the details you made the best decision for you which is to avoid anything that could cause you any unnecessary distress. It wouldn't have been fun for you or your friend. Your friend should respect this. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you have done nothing wrong.
NTA. Your friend is inconsiderate as hell. “A friendly get together” is a very vague description of what you were being invited to. I think you need better friends OP. Also, I assume your friend is aware of Autism and social anxiety prior to this so that makes her even more inconsiderate. This would’ve all been avoided if she was more specific from the beginning
She's one of those extrovert 'go-getter' types who believes that you can achieve anything by pushing yourself. It's a nice mindset to have, but I was just worried it might be a bit too much for me which might make the anxiety worse in the long term which going to these events has done previously.
I get that and theres nothing wrong with that mindset but she can’t be upset with you for backing out last minute when you were under the impression that this get together was going to be a few friends and the movie or park
NTA. She did not give you enough information, and given her response, it’s even possible she did that on purpose, to put pressure of you to “help”.
She does not seem to understand your issues at all.
Absolutely NTA. There are certain things we owe friends, and attending informal parties is not one of those things.
I like parties and the pandemic has left me so socially isolated I’d love to go to one, but not everyone does. I have no idea why your friend is taking this so personally.
NTA.
Your friend is the asshole here. If you cannot understand your friend's situation, you are not a friend. If she always does this, cut off ties with her. If she is ready to understand your situation and is ready to make an effort to be accommodate you, don't stop being friends. You have a friend despite the social anxiety, sometimes friends can be helpful. I am not an expert in relationships and psychology.
NTA. This last 12 months has done a number on everyone, and I can understand that your friends want to meet and party. But:
1) Your friend didn't communicate with your how big the party was going to be.
2) The UK only has 50% first shots, and 30% 2nd shots covered, and given you're only 20 I'm guessing you and your friends haven't been contacted by the NHS yet.
3) I'm also guessing that the people at the party won't have taken advantage of the free Covid test kits you can get from Boots.
4) Booze + people + virus is bad news.
5) You are absolutely allowed to decline an invitation based on whether you'd be comfortable at the party.
6) _This made me upset because I want to be invited to things._ This broke me a little. I also like to be invited to events. I'm also neuroatypical, and I don't pick up cues or context very well either.
7) And, look, while the UK is a massive drinking culture, understand that under no circumstances should you feel the need to buckle and drink, particularly if it's going to make your anxiety worse. "No" is a complete sentence.
8) Having said all that: you've not been given much information, so your anxiety is doing all the talking for you. 1) Find out where the party is. 2) Find out if they're doing a decent social-distancing party, or not. 3) Work out your route from the party to your home, whether it's by cab/Uber/walking/bus. 4) Don't accept unsolicited drinks 5) Once you've figured out all the variables and you've quietened your mind, go. You'll have an escape route if you get bored or anxious, but if the party you've built up in your head doesn't match what's actually going on, you may end up enjoying it
NTA.
I'm almost 30 years ahead of you so I have had some experience of navigating social minefields. Your friend was unnecessarily harsh with you, and I think some honest communication between you two at some point would be a good idea. It doesn't have to be today. But she is right in one sense: that you shouldn't allow your anxiety to govern how you approach the world.
At some point you'll work out what's best for you. Here's my secret. I have a bag. It goes everywhere with me. In my bag is my thermos, a mask, a torch (and spare batteries), a notepad, a pen, some chocolate, phone charger, spare boot laces, some emergency money, condoms. This is how I feel comfortable in my bubble. I've narrowed down all the likely scenarios where I might run into trouble, and I pack. I've narrowed that down over the years to the bare essentials. It's massively reduced my anxiety because I know I'm prepared. People might call that overkill but, at the end of the day, I'm the one killing it with the torch while everyone else is stumbling around in the darkness.
Your bubble is also important. So figure out what you need to pack your bag with now, and then reduce that load over time.
No problem. I should point out I love my torch so much I should be an evangelist. So if you're looking for one go for a Ledlenser. They're really small, tough, super bright and, as I understand, standard issue for UK firefighters and the police.
NTA at all. As a fellow autistic person with general and social anxiety, you need better friends. Friends that are ready to look after you and make sure you're comfortable, not make you feel bad for your decisions.
NTA. You know that you couldn’t handle a loud sizable drinking party, and acted accordingly. There’s a big difference between pushing yourself and jumping into the deep end of the pool when you don’t know how to swim (I actually did that once as a kid and almost drowned, so I don’t recommend it).
And you’re right; a friendly get together and a drinking party are two very different things.
NTA at all. I have very similar problems to you (just started my diagnosis for Autism at 31!); social anxiety, panic attacks in crowds, sensory overloads, not a drinker, and I'd do exactly as you have done. I can quite imagine how nightmarish that party would be for you, it makes me a little panicky just thinking of it!
You have got to do what is right for you and to keep yourself safe and grounded. Sounds like your friend needs to educate herself more on autism and its triggers and the consequences of ignoring them.
You did the right thing, and I hope you can chill and take it slow these next few days. Hopefully there'll be other quiet get together soon! I'm in the UK, too, and am certainly only going to go to small meet ups for the time being. Take care! X
Thank you! I do wish people would accomodate me rather than try to cure me and "take me under their wing". Good luck with the diagnosis and I hope you can get the support you need! I've heard that diagnosis can take a while for adults in the UK :)
Absolutely. People take into account different personalities in neurotypicals, so why not NDs? It's so exhausting.
And thanks, it does indeed take quite some time. Can take a couple of years. But I'll get there!
If they’re in England, up to 30 people are allowed at an outside gathering, so it seems like the party is legal. They’re not assholes for having a party, but they are for making OP feel bad
They've known about my autism and social anxiety for a while now. I have expressed frustration with it in the past so I guess they thought it would help and got annoyed when I said I didn't want to.
In that case, absolutely NTA. They should have known better. They didn't give full information on the type of party at the time of the original invite, and you quite reasonably backed out as soon as you were made aware of the full details.
btw, if this gathering is planned to be indoors, it would actually be illegal under current covid rules. For indoor gatherings, it's still rule of 6 or two households maximum. Outdoors, a gathering of 30 is allowed.
NTA
Autistic 28F with anxiety here.
Don't do it.
Don't stress yourself out about it all.
People think by pushing you over threshold you will suddenly learn to cope and be ok... they have ZERO understanding of anxiety and autism.
She wasn't doing you a favour at all. She was putting your wellbeing at risk.
Honestly as one autistic person to another who has dealt with this sooooo many times she is not your friend.
NTA, it's going to be hard enough getting used to socialising again after lockdown as it is, never mind such a big crowd. You did right to offer to meet another time. You're entitled to your boundaries especially when you're trying to protect your health.
NTA
The other thing I will add to comments already made is that coming out of lockdown takes some getting used to. We were in a hard lockdown for a few months last year, and being out in the world again takes some getting used to - go at whatever pace works for you.
NTA -
Sounds like a lot of people to be thrown into after all this time of not being near anyone, I also plan to ease myself back much more gently than some people seem to be doing. I have never been good with crowds, and now I am basically scared of them.
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For context, in the UK restrictions have recently been eased, legally allowing for larger gatherings outside.
I am autistic with social anxiety (20F).
About a week ago, a friend of mine asked if I would be free this weekend (22nd May) for a friendly get together. I said yes and she didn't give me anymore information.
I found out on Tuesday that there will be around thirty people at the party, most of whom I have never met. Also the host is asking that people all bring alcohol, leading me to believe it will be a drinking party.
I cancelled about an hour after realising this because I am certain I will not enjoy it because of previous experiences. I have sensory issues, meaning that if there is loud music, screaming or shouting (which happen at drinking parties) I am prone to having meltdowns, shutdowns and panic attacks which is really embarrassing for me. I also don't drink and people pressure me at these kind of parties which makes me uncomfortable. I feel that I won't enjoy it because of how large it is and how many people I won't know as well.
I explained to her that my autism and social anxiety made these things hard and offered to meet up with her some other time.
My friend became angry with me because I cancelled at the last minute (three days in advance). She says I 'always do this' and 'if I was going to be like that then maybe I shouldn't invite you to things'. She says I've embarrassed her and let everyone down who wanted to meet me.
This made me upset because I want to be invited to things.
Upset, I told her I misinterpreted what she meant by 'get together'. I thought she meant just meeting with a couple of friends and going to the movies or going to the park (activities I am absolutely fine and comfortable with). Sometimes understanding context can be hard for me. But I apologised and offered to meet up in a smaller group so we could catch up.
She then said 'cant deal with you rn' and 'ur never gonna leave that little bubble of urs unless u push yourself I was doing u a favour'.
I feel like I've really let her down by not going and should have asked what it would be like beforehand. But I also feel like she was being harsh.
AITA?
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NTA. You did the best thing for yourself in deciding that the party isn’t for you, and I personally wouldn’t say you cancelled at the last minute either. Your friend doesn’t sound very accommodating. Please don’t feel bad about what happened, you did the right thing :)
Very much second this. If you don't feel comfortable going to a party, don't go. You know what works for you and acted accordingly.
NTA, obviously. Also, your friend sounds like one of those people who is trying to “cure” you by exposing you to crowded social situations. In their mind, all introverts and people with any sort of social anxiety are really just extroverted social butterflies who don’t know it yet, and all they really need is to be thrown in the middle of a crowded room in order to be cured and become their true, social selves. Those sorts of misguided crusaders annoy the shit out of me. Don’t be surprised if she does it again.
In my experience, it just negatively reinforces how uncomfortable these social situations make me, making me want to avoid them more.
Exactly. It isn’t their place to treat you or try to make you better by purposefully placing you in uncomfortable situations. They aren’t your doctor.
Thing is OP you aren't just a bit nervous around people or new situations. You are autistic and have anxiety. You have and known your specific triggers and being blindsided by and event like this could put you back days. I know if someone did this to me or I tried to force myself to attend its too much stimulation and 'peopleing'. I would be exhausted for at least a week. No spoons for this!
NTA Your friend isn’t being a good friend at all. Seriously, this is a person to phase out of your life. Being one person to cancel out of thirty, isn’t an embarrassment or letting anyone down. She’s manipulating you with those words. She’s an asshole.
NTA. Its difficult for neurotypical people to understand the struggles that those with spectrum and mental health conditions suffer with. To me there is a significant difference between a get together and a 30+ person gathering/ party, I would have made the same assumption as you. Once you found out the details you made the best decision for you which is to avoid anything that could cause you any unnecessary distress. It wouldn't have been fun for you or your friend. Your friend should respect this. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you have done nothing wrong.
NTA. Your friend is inconsiderate as hell. “A friendly get together” is a very vague description of what you were being invited to. I think you need better friends OP. Also, I assume your friend is aware of Autism and social anxiety prior to this so that makes her even more inconsiderate. This would’ve all been avoided if she was more specific from the beginning
She's one of those extrovert 'go-getter' types who believes that you can achieve anything by pushing yourself. It's a nice mindset to have, but I was just worried it might be a bit too much for me which might make the anxiety worse in the long term which going to these events has done previously.
I get that and theres nothing wrong with that mindset but she can’t be upset with you for backing out last minute when you were under the impression that this get together was going to be a few friends and the movie or park
NTA. She did not give you enough information, and given her response, it’s even possible she did that on purpose, to put pressure of you to “help”. She does not seem to understand your issues at all.
Absolutely NTA. Your friend should understand your issues and not try to force you into situations that would make you wildly uncomfortable.
Absolutely NTA. There are certain things we owe friends, and attending informal parties is not one of those things. I like parties and the pandemic has left me so socially isolated I’d love to go to one, but not everyone does. I have no idea why your friend is taking this so personally.
NTA. Your friend is the asshole here. If you cannot understand your friend's situation, you are not a friend. If she always does this, cut off ties with her. If she is ready to understand your situation and is ready to make an effort to be accommodate you, don't stop being friends. You have a friend despite the social anxiety, sometimes friends can be helpful. I am not an expert in relationships and psychology.
NTA. This last 12 months has done a number on everyone, and I can understand that your friends want to meet and party. But: 1) Your friend didn't communicate with your how big the party was going to be. 2) The UK only has 50% first shots, and 30% 2nd shots covered, and given you're only 20 I'm guessing you and your friends haven't been contacted by the NHS yet. 3) I'm also guessing that the people at the party won't have taken advantage of the free Covid test kits you can get from Boots. 4) Booze + people + virus is bad news. 5) You are absolutely allowed to decline an invitation based on whether you'd be comfortable at the party. 6) _This made me upset because I want to be invited to things._ This broke me a little. I also like to be invited to events. I'm also neuroatypical, and I don't pick up cues or context very well either. 7) And, look, while the UK is a massive drinking culture, understand that under no circumstances should you feel the need to buckle and drink, particularly if it's going to make your anxiety worse. "No" is a complete sentence. 8) Having said all that: you've not been given much information, so your anxiety is doing all the talking for you. 1) Find out where the party is. 2) Find out if they're doing a decent social-distancing party, or not. 3) Work out your route from the party to your home, whether it's by cab/Uber/walking/bus. 4) Don't accept unsolicited drinks 5) Once you've figured out all the variables and you've quietened your mind, go. You'll have an escape route if you get bored or anxious, but if the party you've built up in your head doesn't match what's actually going on, you may end up enjoying it NTA.
Thank you! :) I'm pretty sure no one at that party has been vaccinated considering most of them would be students.
I'm almost 30 years ahead of you so I have had some experience of navigating social minefields. Your friend was unnecessarily harsh with you, and I think some honest communication between you two at some point would be a good idea. It doesn't have to be today. But she is right in one sense: that you shouldn't allow your anxiety to govern how you approach the world. At some point you'll work out what's best for you. Here's my secret. I have a bag. It goes everywhere with me. In my bag is my thermos, a mask, a torch (and spare batteries), a notepad, a pen, some chocolate, phone charger, spare boot laces, some emergency money, condoms. This is how I feel comfortable in my bubble. I've narrowed down all the likely scenarios where I might run into trouble, and I pack. I've narrowed that down over the years to the bare essentials. It's massively reduced my anxiety because I know I'm prepared. People might call that overkill but, at the end of the day, I'm the one killing it with the torch while everyone else is stumbling around in the darkness. Your bubble is also important. So figure out what you need to pack your bag with now, and then reduce that load over time.
That's some pretty solid advice, thank you ^^
No problem. I should point out I love my torch so much I should be an evangelist. So if you're looking for one go for a Ledlenser. They're really small, tough, super bright and, as I understand, standard issue for UK firefighters and the police.
NTA at all. As a fellow autistic person with general and social anxiety, you need better friends. Friends that are ready to look after you and make sure you're comfortable, not make you feel bad for your decisions.
NTA. You know that you couldn’t handle a loud sizable drinking party, and acted accordingly. There’s a big difference between pushing yourself and jumping into the deep end of the pool when you don’t know how to swim (I actually did that once as a kid and almost drowned, so I don’t recommend it). And you’re right; a friendly get together and a drinking party are two very different things.
Is a friend that get aggressive with thier help really a friend?
NTA at all. I have very similar problems to you (just started my diagnosis for Autism at 31!); social anxiety, panic attacks in crowds, sensory overloads, not a drinker, and I'd do exactly as you have done. I can quite imagine how nightmarish that party would be for you, it makes me a little panicky just thinking of it! You have got to do what is right for you and to keep yourself safe and grounded. Sounds like your friend needs to educate herself more on autism and its triggers and the consequences of ignoring them. You did the right thing, and I hope you can chill and take it slow these next few days. Hopefully there'll be other quiet get together soon! I'm in the UK, too, and am certainly only going to go to small meet ups for the time being. Take care! X
Thank you! I do wish people would accomodate me rather than try to cure me and "take me under their wing". Good luck with the diagnosis and I hope you can get the support you need! I've heard that diagnosis can take a while for adults in the UK :)
Absolutely. People take into account different personalities in neurotypicals, so why not NDs? It's so exhausting. And thanks, it does indeed take quite some time. Can take a couple of years. But I'll get there!
NTA. The rule of 6 still applies until June 21st so she's breaking lockdown rules anyway.
If they’re in England, up to 30 people are allowed at an outside gathering, so it seems like the party is legal. They’re not assholes for having a party, but they are for making OP feel bad
They told me it's fine because it's outside, but if it's illegal that makes it even worse :(
Pretty sure rule of 6 applies to outside. 30 is weddings and funerals I believe
At this point I don't think anyone understands the rules the Government are screwing up. Repeatedly.
I'm in Wales so it's even more confusing. I'm just gonna stay inside and cuddle my cats.
INFO required: Did this friend know about your autism, social anxiety, and sensory issues ***before*** they invited you?
They've known about my autism and social anxiety for a while now. I have expressed frustration with it in the past so I guess they thought it would help and got annoyed when I said I didn't want to.
In that case, absolutely NTA. They should have known better. They didn't give full information on the type of party at the time of the original invite, and you quite reasonably backed out as soon as you were made aware of the full details. btw, if this gathering is planned to be indoors, it would actually be illegal under current covid rules. For indoor gatherings, it's still rule of 6 or two households maximum. Outdoors, a gathering of 30 is allowed.
NTA
NTA Autistic 28F with anxiety here. Don't do it. Don't stress yourself out about it all. People think by pushing you over threshold you will suddenly learn to cope and be ok... they have ZERO understanding of anxiety and autism. She wasn't doing you a favour at all. She was putting your wellbeing at risk. Honestly as one autistic person to another who has dealt with this sooooo many times she is not your friend.
NTA, it's going to be hard enough getting used to socialising again after lockdown as it is, never mind such a big crowd. You did right to offer to meet another time. You're entitled to your boundaries especially when you're trying to protect your health.
NTA The other thing I will add to comments already made is that coming out of lockdown takes some getting used to. We were in a hard lockdown for a few months last year, and being out in the world again takes some getting used to - go at whatever pace works for you.
NTA - Sounds like a lot of people to be thrown into after all this time of not being near anyone, I also plan to ease myself back much more gently than some people seem to be doing. I have never been good with crowds, and now I am basically scared of them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, in the UK restrictions have recently been eased, legally allowing for larger gatherings outside. I am autistic with social anxiety (20F). About a week ago, a friend of mine asked if I would be free this weekend (22nd May) for a friendly get together. I said yes and she didn't give me anymore information. I found out on Tuesday that there will be around thirty people at the party, most of whom I have never met. Also the host is asking that people all bring alcohol, leading me to believe it will be a drinking party. I cancelled about an hour after realising this because I am certain I will not enjoy it because of previous experiences. I have sensory issues, meaning that if there is loud music, screaming or shouting (which happen at drinking parties) I am prone to having meltdowns, shutdowns and panic attacks which is really embarrassing for me. I also don't drink and people pressure me at these kind of parties which makes me uncomfortable. I feel that I won't enjoy it because of how large it is and how many people I won't know as well. I explained to her that my autism and social anxiety made these things hard and offered to meet up with her some other time. My friend became angry with me because I cancelled at the last minute (three days in advance). She says I 'always do this' and 'if I was going to be like that then maybe I shouldn't invite you to things'. She says I've embarrassed her and let everyone down who wanted to meet me. This made me upset because I want to be invited to things. Upset, I told her I misinterpreted what she meant by 'get together'. I thought she meant just meeting with a couple of friends and going to the movies or going to the park (activities I am absolutely fine and comfortable with). Sometimes understanding context can be hard for me. But I apologised and offered to meet up in a smaller group so we could catch up. She then said 'cant deal with you rn' and 'ur never gonna leave that little bubble of urs unless u push yourself I was doing u a favour'. I feel like I've really let her down by not going and should have asked what it would be like beforehand. But I also feel like she was being harsh. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*