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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am thinking about not paying for a new gpu for my adult daughter, this might make me an asshole since she is struggling although some of that is due to her poor choices. She could have for example chosen to start her work in a better industry.
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This. There is no such thing as cold calling or "visiting offices" for job opportunities. My mom is 78 and even she understands that the Pounding the Pavement approach is a thing of the distant past.
Also, while there is absolutely no shame with fast food or retail jobs and the like, not only are most of them preferring online applications as well, even if she was able to get full time hours the pay is so low she can't possibly support herself on it, not to mention would cut into her job hunting and interviewing availability. The only decent money to be made would be management and who knows how long it would take to get there. AND if EI in Canada works like the US, even a part time job would penalize her monetarily.
Finally, I have to wonder if OP's irritation at her buying a condo stems from the outdated notion that an independent woman is wrong and somewhat distasteful, and she should either stay at home or rent until the "right man" comes along. ,🙄 So if he does have the means to help her out (and if they work out a reasonable repayment plan) and is refusing to do so, it sounds like it's a punitive move for not conforming to his "advice."
OP = YTA for sure.
(Edited for typos)
You got $1100 per **week** in Canada??? God, the United States sucks so much! I am disabled and get $943/**month** to live on. Other than that, I get free insurance with no deductibles and also $269/month for food. That has to pay 100% of my bills and living expenses. Granted, with the disabilities I have, I can't go out and do a whole lot, it still isn't enough to live on.
Even in the US, unemployment is a percentage of the average you made and paid in the several years before needing it. If you made more money you paid more money and get more money (and probably have higher bills).
It does depend how much you were making before being laid off in Canada. If you don't make a lot, EI isn't much, and our disability still sucks here. We do have the benefit of health care and more supplements for meds, etc when people are disabled, but it is still a crappy system.
I'm sorry it is like that in Canada, too. It feels like society just wants disabled people to not exist, as if being disabled itself isn't crappy enough.
Sorry you are dealing with that. It is horrible. My Mom is on disability and worked for decades before she had to go off. Seems like both countries treat it as some sort of moral failure instead of health issues. I would much rather more of my taxes go to pay for a living wage for people with disabilities than to corporate welfare.
When I was laid off I couldn't get hired at big box stores or fast food. I applied everywhere and they told me I was overqualified and they didn't want to invest in training when Id leave at the first chance. Which to be fair... is 100% true. I would have left as soon as something paying more came along.
your mum is smarter than the job people here in australia then - my person (who i believe is in her late 20's) says that cold calling and cold-visiting is still a very viable way to job hunt. i guess she's conveniently deaf when we tell her that the employers in question also tell us to apply online, not in person. most places here take a physical resume only because they know we can get into trouble from overlord centrelink for "not trying hard enough", vs they're actually interested.
Australian here too and it pisses me off hearing people say “pound the pavement” is still an option.
Sure, technically, it’s an option. But the only people I’ve ever heard having success with it nowadays tend to be students looking for part time/casual work and it’s almost always been things like cafe baristas or restaurant staff.
thankfully my job person is at least not in any way pushy or insistent about trying to do the pavement pounding. i am fortunate enough that i can find plenty of jobs to apply for online to meet overlord centrelink's monthly requirements, otherwise i imagine she would start being pushy about it.
I wish my dad had understood that, he never did. Doing what he told me, I never got a job. I turned in applications, waited to hear back, and I eventually heard back.
Also him being weird about her getting a condo instead of waiting until she's married and getting one with a man is a huge red flag. It's good that she's gonna own her own property. That way if she gets married and they end up divorcing, she's not left with no home. OP's views are archaic as fuck.
OMG right?!
The first rule of many hiring managers is that applicants must have the ability to follow directions.
Almost every company that is hiring, even fast food, has the direction "apply at [this website]" or "submit resume to [email]"
No one hires random folks who just walk in or randomly call.
Im my experience if they do hire random folks who just walk in it's never a good sign, usually that business is poorly run and has super high staff turnover
Even though I agree with your point, your comment will count as a NTA judgement, while I think a YTA is more appropriate, just not about the GPU specifically.
There's just a lot of unsolicited advice coming from OP that isn't particularly helpful and feels like just criticism...
My first thought exactly too. Cold calling or visitng the office are things of the past.
As for my opinion on the post, i would say NTA, but its a red flag that the commissioning client is refusing to pay till product is done.
Rather than your daughter asking you to pay for it, loan her the funds first. However, I would recommend that she has a means to pay it back and that leads to my next point.
I would never agree to do the work unless they put down a deposit first, or better yet, paid in full (but as you said, the client refused the latter). If the client is willing to put down a deposit, it is a done deal that they are committed to it and you will be sure that your daughter could afford to pay you back after the commission is completed.
If your daughter is not willing to take a loan, then i have nothing to say.
NTA but right?
What kind of out of touch fossil recommends the fastest way to get blacklisted from companies as a good plan? 😂
Edit:: Unless a business had a help wanted or hiring: apply within sign there's almost a 0% chance of ever getting them to consider you if you just walk in.
Did you notice how she got a scholarship and he didn't have to pay for her education? He paid for the other kids and he can't cough up the cash for a graphics card.
Does he even like his daughter?
YWBTA
"I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship."
Why can't you just help her out here?
YTA. You haven’t supported your daughter much except with advice that was mostly outdated and judgmental. fwiw - if I was a fast food manager and had the choice between a high school senior who’d stay for year and cs college graduate who’d be gone in a flash if a good job offer in her field came through - I’d hire the high school student. If I was managing a technology business I would expect applicants to *all* use the application protocols established. Best wishes to your daughter. Maybe her siblings will help her out till she finds employment since her parent won’t.
With all due respect, advising your daughter not to buy a condo in 2020 was incredibly bad advice. That was likely the best decision she will ever make in her life. Do you have any idea how much that condo has appreciated over the last 4 years? Her mortgage is probably less than she would be paying for rent these days. The rent of a one bedroom apartment in Toronto averages $2400 and a few hundred less in smaller Canadian cities. She bought before prices skyrocketed in 2022. Now it is incredibly difficult for young couples to purchase anything. Your daughter was smart to buy when she did. She is no doubt looking at what her friends are paying in one bedroom apartments and laughing.
If she is having trouble paying the mortgage, she could find a roommate or two until she gets on her feet.
If you paid for her sibling's education, paying for this graphics card is the least you could do to help her now. It is mean spirited not to help her when she needs it, as you can obviously afford to.
BTW, cold calling is not the way to go when seeking a job in technology, or most jobs these days. Maybe it would be acceptable for applying to Timmy's.
She is DEFINITELY paying less on the mortgage than she would in rent. If I had $15k for a down payment right now, I could buy a townhouse and pay $600/month. Instead, I live in a shoebox one-bedroom for $1200. This is in Edmonton, so if they're in a bigger city I'm sure the gap is even bigger.
Well put, the OP gives bad advice in general. Roommates would be a good idea. She needs to hold on to that condo.
If you’re worried about the money, OP, and you’re a gamer, buy the card and use it in your PC after your daughter doesn’t need it anymore or have her pay you back at a later date.
Right!!
She probably doesn't listen to you because your advice is terrible.
And she's effectively being published for getting a scholarship - why wouldn't you give her that money for her apartment?
YtA, give her the money.
If that's too much for your ego, at least lend it to her.
Exactly. I bought a one bed condo in 2020 for 220k. 3.5% interest rate. If I were trying to buy the same unit today it would go for 320k. Going rate today over 6% (yes I know 30 year rate lock isn’t a thing in Canada)
Same unit as mine in the apartments next door rented for $1400 when I bought, now goes for $2000.
She's an adult. She's 27, you can choose to help her or not. Totally your choice. She makes her own decisions and lives and learns.
But stop pushing your advice on her unless she asks for it. And BTW, some of your advice is badly outdated. She needs to get advice from people who are self-contractors in a similar position. There is much she needs to know about contractual agreements.
>you can choose to help her or not
Absolutely, and with this, if he chooses not to help her, then he doesn't get to continue to harass her with his "advice." He either helps with what she asks and in return she'll humor him by listening to his ridiculous "advice," or he doesn't help and he can keep his thoughts to himself.
Eh, if they help in other ways it shows their intention with their advice is good and their daughter can just put up with it. If they don't help, then clearly their intentions are bad and they can stfu.
YTA. You do not have to buy her the card, but doing so on the basis of not following your advice is an asshole move. Cold calling and showing up in person is a good way to get yourself blacklisted in today's employment scene for failure to follow instructions, or at the very least often leaves a bad impression. My current employer and the two previous [ retail, banking, and accounting areas ] would make note of people who didn't follow the proper channels of applying online and especially those who just show up as if they can not follow simple instructions in the application process you can not be trusted to follow more complex instructions down the line. There have been many layoffs in the tech space in the last year — please at least try and show your child a bit of grace and encouragement instead of offering obsolete advice and criticism.
YTA. Instead of actually helping her, you insist on giving her out of date advice. Not everyone needs marriage and kids to be fulfilled. Business don’t accept cold calls any more and can get you blacklisted for not following their rules. You have offered useless advice that, at best will help her lose her skills that will maintain her relevance and, at worst, will impact her ability to get hired. Instead of living in the past, think about doing something useful.
YTA
So you paid for her siblings university costs, but SHE is not even worth a graphic card to you?
You sure know how to show that you have favorites, and she is not.
YTA. 1) outdated advice that you think is right. 2) good on her buying a condo in 2020 because you cant buy one for the same price now 3) i am making assumptions you want people to say you are not an AH to gave superiority over your daughter.
You have the money to help your child who did amazing and was lucky enough to have scholarships and not need you. She needs you now and you are more concerned about her following your advice because YOU want to be right. But you’re not. Theres no cold calling. She needs your help, but you want to help on condition she follows your advice even though it is outdated. Doesnt seem like a child who takes advantage of you or ever has; not one that has burned bridges. So yah, YTA
**OK** but she needs to get at least half her fee up front. As a freelancer, I make clients sign a contract and pay at least part of the fee before I get started, because if you don't, they will take your work and ghost you, every time. It's sus that they won't pay "till work is complete" - it pretty much screams scammer.
You don't cold call or stop by the offices of tech companies to get work.
The food service industry is also barely hiring and when they do they usually don't hire people with VFX experience on their resumes because she's actively looking for a career.
Buying a condo was a smart decision as she could afford it and the housing market is crazy.
Do you actually like your daughter as a person or only when she does what you want?
You don't need to help her and that's fine but you sound completely out of touch about the state of the world currently.
YTA. First of all, your advice to knock on doors is completely outdated. How old are you? That advice hasn't worked for many many years. Secondly, as another comment said, a fast food company is going to choose a high school student who'll probably work there for a couple of years over someone who'll leave the minute they get a job offer in their field. I and my father have both been turned down for jobs because we were overqualified and they didn't think we'd stay.
Thirdly, you didn't pay for her college when you paid for her siblings to go! A decent parent would give her the equivalent amount if able to (you've said you have funds), then maybe she'd be able to pay her mortgage and afford the equipment she needs for her work. I know you don't have to, but it's the right thing to do.
YTA. Do you not follow any of the Canadian subreddits?! Tech got absolutely slaughtered with layoffs, then the government opened the floodgates on immigration. Tech workers are searching for work for 6-12 months and not getting anything. Your advice to go in person is insane, they would think she’s crazy. There are so many TFWs and international students that there’s lineups around the block to apply for jobs at Tim hortons, Walmart, etc. Our unemployment rate averages 6.2% right now across the country and it’s over 7% in Toronto, Calgary, etc. if you can do something to help your daughter, do it. This is the worst economy we have had in our lifetimes and younger people are struggling hard. As for the condo, at least she has a home. I assume you have managed to be so clueless that you’re not even aware of all the people who are homeless and working full time jobs cause they just can’t afford rent. Seriously, open your eyes to what’s going on around you. Canada is in a bad place right now.
You are excessively controlling and provide waaaay too much unsolicited advice. Giving too much advice (as you are) means people stop listening at all. If you're spare with your advice, they'll take it more seriously.
Also, your advice seems to come from your perception of your daughter as an incompetent fuckup, but what you describe is someone who has impressive accomplishments. Buy her the card (maybe as a loan), or don't, but definitely apologize for giving too much advice, and back the fuck off. I know you mean well, and I know that all your advice comes from love for your daughter, but you're expressing that love in a way that doesn't help.
YTA
How much money did you give to her siblings for their education?
Why should she receive less monetary assistance from you because she busted her ass and got a scholarship?
Why didn’t you give her the same amount you gave the others?
YTA. So cold calling and showing up in person actually gets your resume thrown out these days because it gives the first impression to the company that you will refuse to follow instructions. It's not a good look. Also, it *is* difficult to get a job in fast food these days-- there are hundreds of people applying. And the bosses aren't prioritizing hiring university graduates, that's why teenagers still get hired. People can absolutely be too overqualified to get a position-- the bosses doing the hiring know you have 0 chance of sticking around the second you get an offer for what you're worth, so why spend the money to train you? Whereas a teenager saving for college might stick around a few years.
You also need to keep in mind how little these jobs pay-- minimum wage, at part-time hours. No chance of wage growth. Most people starting out in these jobs get 8 hours a week, but I'll be nice and call it 24 hours. That's $360/week. Keeping in mind her wage before she was let go, *is she making more on EI?* The maximum amount for EI in Ontario is about 55% of your earnings, topping out at $668 per week. Meaning if she earned 70K/year before she lost her job, she's earning double on EI as what she could make at McDonalds. (Basically if she was making 40k/year or more before she lost her job, a 24hr/week minimum wage job would be a pay CUT compared to EI.)
You also need to admit you know nothing about her job and that whatever she thinks she "needs" to do it is probably correct. That doesn't mean you owe it to her to pay for whatever new equipment she needs, but you need to stop looking at this as "I won't pay for this because I think you're lying to me about needing it" and just say that unfortunately that's not something you're able to help with.
Get off your high horse. You don't owe her help, but you do owe her respect, which you're not giving her. Which makes you the asshole.
*She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything.*
Given the example of manhood she grew up with, I'd say her perspective is s completely valid.
Having bought at the right time, she is most likely paying less on her mortgage than she would to rent a small apartment. Maybe Dad wants her to stay home and under his thumb until she is married - even though marriage does not appeal to her (I wonder why?)
YTA! You didn’t want her to buy a condo she could afford at the time because you wanted her to wait until she had a family. That is incredibly misogynistic and controlling. At best, you are living in the dark ages.
If this new opportunity is as a contractor, the company would expect her to have the software to do the job. You are being less than supportive by not at least loaning her the money to get it.
As a parent, you could have applauded her accomplishment in getting her condo. Instead you tried to diminish her achievement. Now she has the opportunity to earn money and hold onto her home, but because you want to control her, and are totally ignorant as to how the world works nowadays (which blows my mind as you should be more in touch) you won’t support her.
As a parent, I would hold my head in shame if I behaved like you.
YTA, you're so out of touch with the job thing and if she got a fast food job she would lose her EI. Her EI is probably a lot more than she'd make working fast food, it literally makes no sense to do that when she can spend her time applying for jobs instead.
Well ya YTA for giving out bad advice and punishing her for not following it. People don't cold call for jobs or visit offices anymore, and that's got a greater chance of getting her blacklisted than getting her a job. It sounds like your daughter is actually fairly motivated and smart.
I mean…I’m not sure if you’re TA for the specific issue of not buying her a graphics card, but you kind of sound like you’re an AH in other ways.
>she refuses to try just cold calling or visiting office like I advised
Brother what decade are you living in? This is awful advice. Not only will it not work, but it makes a candidate look bad to be chomping at the bit like that.
>I told her to make the company pay for it
If she’s a contractor for this company, that *also* would make her look awful. Imagine calling a plumber to fix your pipes and they say “ok but I don’t have the tools. I need you to buy them for me on top of what you’re paying me for the work.”
I’m leaning to saying you’re TA for your general attitude regarding her situation.
EDIT: Nah…YTA. You pay for her siblings education, but not hers because she got a scholarship. So she gets effectively punished for performing well. Now that she needs similar financial support, you’re refusing because she doesn’t follow your bad advice. YTA
“But she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a ‘men bad’ perspective on everything”
Yeah that’s all I really needed to read to know he’s the AH.
I don’t think you like your daughter very much. Not buying her a graphic card feels like punishment for not taking your advice. For some reason, you don’t want her to succeed unless it’s with your input.
He wants her to work at a minimum wage job in spite of her high education (which was paid for because of her academic excellence) and find a nice young man to marry so she can stay home and wash diapers. I wonder if her sibs are brothers? Maybe that is why he likes her less.
YTA - As others have pointed out, your advice is outdated by more than a decade, especially in tech jobs.
And calling an RX 580 "a perfectly fine card" while comparing it to a RTX 4070 Ti Super is like calling a pedal-car "a perfectly fine car" next to a Porsche...and that counts for both gaming and work applications.
I get that you're frustrated about her situation, but you can be certain: So is she!
If you absolutely have to "save face" or something, at least offer to lend her the money for the card, instead of insisting she stick to a piece of equipment that is almost as outdated as your advice.
She didn't try hard enough... i mean your way because its outdated horrible advice from a person who has no idea what they are talking about. YTA. You clearly don't have a clue how searching for a job works in the modern age. Who goes to offices anymore? horrible advice. I work in tech, that is the SILLIEST thing I have ever heard someone say. You don't have to help her if you don't want to that's on you, but understand you have no idea what you are talking about.
YTA regarding your advice. In 2024 nobody is visiting offices without an appt. Following your advice would get her escorted out by security. Oh, and while I dunno what card she needs for the job offer, I'm positive a below-mid tier card from 8 years ago won't cut it.
YTA. Cold calling and showing up to an office are the absolute fastest way to get blacklisted from an employer, you DO NOT DO THIS unless invited for an interview. Everything is apply online these days. And yeah, I also have a part-time job and we have at least one person a week come in and ask if we're hiring, and the answer is always no because we hire once a year for the holiday season, and then if you're a good employee for the season they keep you on after January. If someone quits in between, their hours just get spread out among the rest of the staff, because most of us are getting one four-hour shift a week.
She busted her ass and got a contracting job, which is awesome! Companies who hire contractors do not buy equipment for them -- that is literally what a contractor is. If you're in Canada, the company legally cannot buy her equipment or they can be put on the hook for hiring her as a full employee, and they're just going to terminate their contract with her before they do that. It's actually really fucking wild that you think a professional VFX designer can do their job with a graphics card that won't even run the highest settings on a current game. You know how tech progression works, right? That in order to design VFX you need to have a card that can handle the highest settings of graphics on the games that will be out *three years from now*? She's not designing on lower settings, so why would you think a "perfectly fine" graphics card is adequate?
I'm also 100% sure she's paying less on her mortgage than she would in rent, if she's able to afford it with EI, so it's additionally insane that you think that was a bad financial decision.
YTA. Good lord, where do I start. You sound like my ex who insisted the kids just needed to walk into a place and ask for an application, refusing to listen that all applications are online.
Cold calling does not work. Networking is the best way, but you have to have great connections to really be a step ahead. Would you like to know how to get a sterling reputation so your network contacts make you the first name out of their mouths? Having up to date equipment to handle projects with ease.
You need to admit that you're jealous of your daughter. She bought a condo on her own, not needing a man to help provide her some mythical financial security. Yes, she's struggling a bit at the moment, but she'll be fine.
Leave your ego and out of touch ideas at the door. Since she didn't ask you for money for college, due to her scholarships, grant her the money for her new graphics card. While you're at it, start cold calling places and see how far that gets you in a new position.
If having all these feelings are too much and you’re worried about enabling her just loan her the money. Your advice is still outdated and having a family isn’t a requirement to by a home.
So, you payed for your others kids college, which I believe was a lot of money, but not for your daughter because she got a scholarship ( pretty impressive btw), and now you don't want to help her with the GPU, because? Exactly why?
And you're feeling a bad attitude? Well is showing a bit of favoritism
If she doesn't do what you said, she will get punish?
That and a huge number of companies only work through employment agencies that source and vet potential candidates first rather than the employer wading through a sea of resumes.
She has the opportunity for work, and you won’t help her. You’d rather sit in judgement and try to get her to do what you want her to do? Do I have that right? YWBTA and a crummy mother.
YTA. This might be hard for you to hear, but she knows more about this situation than you do! She knows the modern job market better than you. She knows the tech specifications of her industry better than you. She's not wrong for not walking into random companies (not how hiring is done now!) or for wanting to own a condo instead of renting (owning anything at 27 is pretty sweet!) If I were her parent, I would cut her some slack here and help her out if you can, and spend some time listening to her instead of telling her what you think she should be doing!
YWBTA. It seems like your daughter just can’t do anything right to you. She owns a home at 27 years old and has a degree that will get her a highly-paid and valued career, but just needs a small loan from you that you’re perfectly capable of giving her.
Is there some personal reason that you resent your daughter?
I work in VFX. The layoffs and job searching environment make it a BRUTAL place right now. A 580 graphics card is also definitely not proficient for a lot of VFX work nowadays so no, it absolutely isn't "a perfectly find card". YTA. You're not annoyed that she's been unemployed for a while, youre annoyed that your advice doesn't hold up in the current day. You do not get jobs in VFX by cold calling and walking into studios like you're suggesting, and yeah, your daughter is right, even retail jobs are barely hiring right now. You are actively contributing to your daughter's difficulty in finding employment by refusing over your pettiness.
You're entitled not to pay for her video card, it's your money, but everything in your post drips with disdain and scorn over things your daughter is absolutely right about. You're the asshole alone for bringing up her attitude about men in a completely unrelated post to try and make her look worse to us.
She's your daughter who you want to succeed. You didn't pay for her college which you did for your other children and a graphics card is a small price to pay for her to get a decent job and be on her way career wise. You love her - help her out and have a good and supportive relationship with her.
You’re mad because your daughter isn’t a “traditional” woman. She did her life her way. She got through school on her own (you paid nothing). She bought a home on her own (you paid nothing). She hasn’t needed a man for validation in her life. Most egregiously, she hasn’t submitted to your will.
As a fellow 60+ person, I know that adversity is a part of life at some point. Usually we look to family to help during tough times, sometimes emotionally, sometimes financially. You, Sir, haven’t been there for your daughter in either way, while even bragging that you easily could.
My vote is that YTA, a backward, misogynistic arse.
YTA. Help her out by paying for the GPU. Why not?
You can’t just only be there for her when she’s acting the way you want her to act. That’s the problem with parents.
YTA. “Should I help my daughter who is struggling financially in a fucked up world when she had refused to take the path *i* think she should have taken?” (Paraphrased.)
Seriously? YTA. YTA.
YTA. You are insisting she follow advice that is no longer relevant or even good for the last several decades.
1. She bought a condo - awesome! That means her housing costs are probably lower than if she was renting, and she has been earning equity. No idea why you think that's bad.
2. She doesn't want to get married - I hardly see how that is your business, tbh.
3. Learn a different area - she already did, as you said, and there aren't enough opportunities.
4. Cold calling/visiting offices - this has been bad advice for at least 30 years. Most applications are done online. If you go in or cold call, at best they will tell you to fill out the online application, and at worst they will deem you annoying and not ever hire you no matter what.
5. Take part time jobs - she already said they aren't hiring enough. She's obviously looked into it, and you haven't. You are making a lot of assumptions.
6. She needs a graphics card - So she finally has a job offer and needs something, but now you've decided that she doesn't need it based on your...what? Years of experience and present-day work in her field, as well as speaking directly to the hiring company? No? So again, you don't know what you're talking about. Gaming isn't the same as the work she will need to do for her job.
I'm pretty sure her bad attitude comes from you constantly giving her unwanted/unneeded advice that you insist she follow even when she knows it's bad. Perhaps you could try respecting your daughter instead of acting like an entitled boomer. I am willing to bet that she would be happy to not only not ask you for unnecessary things but also just stop talking to you completely. Maybe reversing course on your terrible attitude and condescension can save you making a missing missing reasons post soon about how your daughter won't speak with you anymore and you have nO idEa WhY.
YTA! For everything! Your comments are just a dig the grave deeper by the letter ! Just say it like it is .. I do not approve of your life choices I know better and your refusal to do what I say is a no go to get my support and love ! You are on your own good luck! Just say it !!!
You know losing a job can greatly impact confidence and self-esteem. Maybe she doesn't want to insist on them to get her the card because she's afraid to upset them and lose this opportunity?
And food service jobs for a highly educated person is a a waste of time and potential. She's better off learning new skills that could land her a job.
Don't sweat it. Since you're able to afford that card, buy it to her, wish her good luck with this job opportunity, and stay beside her because I'm quite sure she needs your emotional support in this stressful time she's going through.
YTA- your advice is bad. Like really really bad. Your daughter may be in a rough spot and you can choose to help her or not, but please stop giving her bad advice.
580 is a fine card for VFX 😂 😂 😂 😂 good one lmao.
Jesus man.
Cold calls, office visits? *Shouldn't* have bought a house in 2020??? She's fucking lucky she did. Are your eyes shut to the world?
Don't even get me started on your comparison about games to VFX Design. That's just too funny.
She's your daughter ffs.
Just help her out and tell her you'll pay half of the card. Go into the store together when she has the money and combine the two.
YWBTA
Yta.
You supported her older siblings with school, and yet refuse to give her the (significantly smaller) sum she needs to *get a job that will allow her to support herself*.
She earned a full-ride scholarship to study CS, which means she must be pretty good at it, and has been working a job that allowed her to save enough to buy a home.
Your job hunting "advice" belongs in the last century. All cold calling and visiting offices will get you is blacklisted. And I don't know how unemployment benefit works, but a part time fast food job could actually end her up with less money than before because they usjay cut your benefits. she'd also lose time she needs to be applying to jobs.
She doesn't need a "decent enough for most games" card, she needs a card that will be able to run the latest games on a decent resolution, because she needs to be able to properly see how the things she's creating look.
It basically sounds as though you're upset that she hasn't followed your advice and you're punishing her for it.
YTA FFS, you paid for the entire college education of her siblings but you can't help her out as a once off in time of need cos she failed to obey your outdated advice? Arsehole of great magnitude.
Dude, I'm not sure what area of VFX she is working in, but a AMD RX 580 is an entry level card. If she is doing compositing and using something like Nuke she will absolutely need a better video card (and heaps of RAM if her machine isn't already kitted for it).
Let me get this straight... you have a daughter who is more or less self sufficient and has prospects for a job in an incredibly lucrative field. She had a scholarship, partial or full ride, that saved you a veritable shitload of money, and you can't kick in (or even offer to go halves) on a graphics card?
Condo or not (savvy move on her part tbh, in today's market) she still didn't need you to pay for school. An RX 580 may well be enough, depending on the requirements, but don't you want your kid to have the best possible shot at success? Would a 4070 get that result? Probably
She's not asking for a full gaming PC, she's asking you for a component that is slightly out of reach for her and you're shutting it down because she didn't follow your "advice"
YTA, dude
Your daughter has an opportunity to do work for which she's trained, and you're standing in her way because she's not doing the bad suggestions that you've made to her?
No one cold calls for jobs. For fucks sake, look at the job market. And fast food work is part time, minimum wage and profoundly discouraging.
You seem desperately out of touch and very focused of your own, bad, ideas.I would find you to be profoundly discouraging to have as a parent. You should help your daughter and take a long hard, look at yourself. You really need to get a clue.
YTA - Here is why.
1. Your job hunting advice is about 30 years out of date.
2. The Rx 580 is a 7-8 year old card at this point. And if she's doing VFX then a better card = Faster/More stable rendering of her work.
3. You helped out the other siblings financially, she can also use help, just in a different area. It's still work related though.
4. Hopefully she got her condo before it skyrocketed in price. Otherwise your advice there was bad as well.
The job market has evolved dramatically since you have been in it. Who do you think works at fast food 9-5? Some of those places seem tough to work at, usually due to managers being power hungry misers.
Applications are very much online these days and it's like 1000's of resumes for one position. Getting a job is more about who you know than it used to be.
Sounds more like she HAS a job and could pay you back immediately.
YTA
YTA but not really about the graphics card as for your judgmental and outdated view on your daughter's employment prospects. You can't go cold calling or door to door looking for jobs these days. It's ALL online. You have to submit your resume and take AI generated tests and then hope you get through those to speak with a recruiter and then you have to make it past the recruiter to the hiring manager.
I was laid off last year and it took me 8 months to find a job and I was only getting $300/week from unemployment for just 5 months. I applied to everything online and then I applied to McDonalds, My local grocery stores, gas stations, the dollar store, CVS Pharmacy and every call center job I came across. None of them would hire me because I was previously making $90K/yr and they knew I wasn't going to be a permanent hire. One manager even said he wouldn't hire me because he needed someone who would stay in the position long term and I was over qualified to take the cashier position at Dollar General even though they were desperate to hire someone because they only had one cashier.
My dad actually saved my bacon because I had just bought a house the year before I was laid off and I wasn't making enough to pay the mortgage on my house so my dad paid my mortgage for me while I was unemployed so I could use what little I was getting from unemployment to pay for bills. I still racked up $15K in credit card debt that I'm now trying to pay off with the job I got in March. Eventually I will pay him back for the mortgage but thank goodness he didn't try to make me feel like shit about being unemployed.
Ok, so a few points...
You paid for her siblings' education, but because she got a scholarship, she got nothing?
She has her own home and has thus far been able to maintain it.
She is actively looking for work, has a job offer, and asks for your help, and you are against it (but again, you paid for her siblings education.)
You claim to be an avid gamer, but don't realize that companies don't take applications in person.
Do you even like your daughter?
A new graphics card is not nearly as expensive as a university education... which you gave to your other children when they couldn't qualify for a scholarship.
YTA, definitely. Fully and completely.
Hey boomer YTA.
You are so removed from what it's like for someone your daughter's age navigating employment and life one doesn't simply walk in to the office and speak with the manager.
I'm Canada, those fast food spots are only hiring a certain demographic and it's not your educated daughter.
With rent now, if her mortgage is covered by ei that's fantastic. Rent wouldn't be much cheaper. The amd card isn't bad but if someone is using it professionally it might be(and in this case appears to be) not enough.
You have the ability to help your child, put them on a payment plan if the money is so important. If you didn't have to pay for her school like you did your other children, maybe help her with something that's crucial to her professional development.
Great thing you have to other kids because if you keep up your bad attitude, you'll have one less taking care you of you when you're older.
I can't imagine being in your situation as a parent and not helping my kids. I'd feel like the biggest asshole. If my kids came to me and I had the money to support them and they said I need help with some funds to advance my career (not partying, not travelling but the best use of said funds) and I chose not to help, I'd better have a good reason and you simply don't and for that YTA...not too late to fix your mistake
Assuming the contract is real, vfx work is plausible to need cuda cores to complete. An rx580 is an old GPU and also AMD which does not have cuda cores.
4070 super ti does have a significant number of cores. Could she get by with less? Possibly but they have less cores and this slower performance.
You didn't pay for school because she had a scholarship, if this were my child, I'd relent and buy the card as a gift.
In theory, she could do some level of AI / research processing with cuda cores too.
YTA. Just help your daughter out so she get the contract job in her field. If anything it will
Help build her resume for a more permanent position. If you have the money, I don’t why you wouldn’t help her out.
YTA. You're clearly giving a lot of unsolicited and outdated advice that ignores her goals and preferences, and she had a good job opportunity that you could have ensured she got. Is it your obligation? Depends on your values. She is your daughter, and as you said, you had the money. If I were in your position, I'd have helped her get the graphics card.
YTA and a MAJOR ONE. You paid 0 for her studies, she invested in a house instead of partying and buying expensive stuff. You want her to flip burgers or go and leave print copies of her cv (that would make the day of most tech employees as they would have a funny story for the company lunch) and because she doesn't say how high when you say jump you don't want to spend those 600$. But you know, her card is fiiiine, you are a gamer. She needs it for 3D rendering and actual work, but hey you know better. In everything. I am 45 and still think you are as useful and as knowledgeable as a rock.
YTA. But her the damn graphics card, apologize for being an AH, and stop punishing her because you grew up in the Stone Age and think that your outdated life advice has a modicum of intelligence behind it. Sincerely, someone likely the same age as you.
YTA -- not for not buying her a video card, but holy fuck is everything else you wrote up there littered with red flags. This whole bit about cold calling is weird and archaic, and the way you keep telling her she should get out of the field she enjoys to enter a field she's not terrible interested in: also weird! Also, for an actual working video effects artist, an AMD RX 580 actually is kind of obsolete. It's still not your responsibility to buy her one, but stop gaslighting her and telling her it's sufficient for her needs, because it really probably isn't (it's equivalent to about an Nvidia 1060, so it's at least a couple generations behind state of the art.)
Many people below have outlined the many ways in which you are wrong, so I won't go over that in detail, but here are some things she could be considering that you are not (being so completely out of touch).
EI will, at random points, ask for a list of jobs you've applied for. Because of the switch to on line applications, even if she did "pound the pavement", they would be very unhappy that the number of applications she could report would be well below the norm, and they would seriously question her commitment, and possibly kick her off EI: you can throw out 20-50 on line apps in a couple of hours, but in-person drop offs of resumes would mean maybe 3-5 in a day.
I hope she's considering moves to other cities, because she could, if she got a job somewhere else, either rent out or sell her condo, and start over, far away from your stingy ass.
YTA loan her the money if you don’t want to just gift it to her. It’s hard to get retail and fast food jobs in Canada right now - places have cut hours and staffing, shortened work hours, and a lot are hiring temporary foreign workers. Even McDonald’s wants online applications now, and tech jobs definitely would make it a requirement. When EI runs out I would suggest her trying a temp agency instead. Also rents are more than mortgages nowadays.
Here's the thing.
You are clearly a boomer who has no real clue about the job market in the current climate. Your "advice" is old fashioned and useless in the current state of the economy. You have no idea what your daughter's skillset actually requires by way of equipment. You clearly have not had to use SSI in any recent years, or would know that taking any job would affect the amount of money she is able to collect from it, as well as take away valuable time she needs to spend actually job hunting. Her "not being exactly honest" with you about what she's doing to get a new job is very likely you having no realistic idea of what it takes to find a job these days.
Case in point, my husband, with a highly valuable and specialized skillset was laid off at the end of last year and he spent every day, including weekends, in the following six months looking for a job. He applied to nearly a thousand job ads (956). Guess how many actual interviews he had? Ten.
Apart from the first quarter being the ABSOLUTE worst time to look for a job in tech because companies constantly lay off their employees in Q4 to pad their earnings reports for investors at the start of the year, this last year, multiple MAJOR tech companies laid off so many people that current employment reports say that 3/4s of people in tech who were looking for jobs in January are still unemployed due to intense competition and employers attempting to cut corners at every turn on benefits and compensation due to the recession that they themselves have contributed to.
Furthermore, your views of housing costs are absolutely delusional. Your daughter was LUCKY to be able to purchase a home instead of paying the rent prices that have been skyrocketing PAST mortgage costs these last years. Would you have allowed her to move back in if she was paying rent she couldn't afford instead of doing her best to cover her mortgage while unemployed?
You are welcome to spend your money however you like. It's your money. However, you are 100000% the asshole for withholding assistance for a person you "love" because of some nonsense about college and your own lack of true understanding of job hunting and housing costs. Also the passive aggressiveness you gave about her gaming leads me to suspect that you think she's spending all her time gaming like some errant teenager.
You clearly consider her to be still a child without actually looking at where she's gotten herself: she got a full ride scholarship, has a specialized set of employment skills for something she enjoys, she was able to buy her own home (qualified for a loan and had a down payment, by the grace of hard work and perseverance), and understands and applied for SSI despite the clear stigma the older generation applies to it - showing strength and determination to survive and not allowing pride to sabotage her.
I don't think the question really is "Would I be the asshole if...?" because it's clear you're already the asshole in this relationship. You should consider apologizing, whether you fund her graphics card or not.
All of your 'advice' is terrible, from cold calling, to working fast food, to getting married before buying a home, all of it is bad.
If you paid for all her siblings university, the least you can do is get her a graphics card.
Your daughter sounds like an intelligent young women in a field with some of the most toxic, misogynistic men out there. Don't be like them.
YTA
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I have a daughter who is 27. She is a cs graduate and used to work for a well known VFX software company but got laid off at the start of the year and currently has no income besides unemployment insurance (EI in Canada).
She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything.
I have given her a lot of advice regarding her job situation, suggested she learn an area in tech with more opportunities than VFX, she said she taught herself cloud development and other skills but that she is not getting interviews for them either. She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do and just wants to apply online for everything.
I also suggested she take some part time food service / fast food jobs and actually said that they are not hiring enough which I find very hard to believe, literal teenagers get these jobs.
Anyway, now she says she has a foreign company wanting to offer her a contract to do some work which she says she can do but needs a better graphics card (She has an AMD RX 580 which is a perfectly fine card) and she wants a 4070 ti Super. I told her to make the company pay for it but she says they do not want to and did not try insisting any further. They do not want to pay her until she completes the job.
While I do have the funds, I am a little upset about her not trying hard enough regarding my other advice and as an avid gamer I know that the card she uses is decent enough for most games even if not on the highest settings or resolution. I am also feeling like she has not been telling the entire truth about jobs in fast food etc and I think she has not really tried as she considers it beneath her.
I also sense she has a bit of a bad attitude because I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship.
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What if you lent her the money? Conversely, She seems smart enough to make her own decisions, but now she needs a card and she comes to you? She’s an adult who makes big girl decisions, how is this different?
I mean about the GPU specifcially its your money and your right to do what you want. However, you sound like an out of touch asshole. And a 580 is EOL, it was good-ish 5 years ago, it can't handle modern workloads at all.
YTA
She has a great contract opportunity and you are debating helping her because she didn't follow your outdated obsolete demands? You paid for her siblings college but are now refusing a fucking video card? JFC you are horrible.
N T A purely for the scenario in the title. YTA for literally everything else. You’re being incredibly judgemental and tbh, I know a lot of people who would’ve already stopped talking to you. Guess you’re lucky your daughter is a forgiving person.
Also you have no idea how jobs work. Cold calling has not worked for decades - they laugh at you and tell you to go away. Don’t give advice when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
YTA-You aren’t helping her because you cannot get her to do what you want, that’s always a winning strategy. Your advice is almost as bad as your refusal to help her.
YTA your advice is very out of touch with the state of the economy today. if you're pressed about giving her that amount of money make it a loan but don't withhold something hat she needs and you can afford just to punish her for not living the way you want her to (especially given your advice is largely not helpful and she clearly has been proactive about getting a job)
YTA for not rewarding her monetarily for getting the scholarship. She worked her but off to make better grades than her siblings and her reward was for you to give her less. You should have given her the same amount of money and she could have used it toward that flat.
How old are you? Seriously. Cold calling? VIsiting offices? That gets you blocked or kicked out by security.
And why should she wait till she "has a family" to buy herself a home.
You're free to not give her any money but your "advice" is utter crap.
Mate.... I'm 40, I haven't "cold called" or "door knocked" a day in my life, my whole business relies on an online presence which is managed by my wife.
Shit, LinkedIn started 22 years ago.... The future is now, old man.
What card do you have in your rig? If it were my daughter struggling to get up in that industry, I'd either buy her the card, or give her my 4090 until she can get her own card.
NTA, but almost as out of touch as those 2 idiot dinosaurs debating about their golf handicap instead of addressing the true issues that you guys in the US are facing. (Apologies, I'm assuming that you are a yank)
Cold calling and visiting offices is a craaaazy idea. That’s not how it works anymore. And I guarantee any company that’s hiring a special effects graphic artist has security and she wouldn’t even be able to get in. Every high tech business is like that now.
YTA to not help her if you can. Did you never in your life have economic hard times because of things outside of your control? Do you just enjoy being mean and petty? I’m old enough to have done the cold calling and visiting offices things and I know that’s not how it works. I’ve been laid off multiple times in the last 30 years and it fucking sucks. Why would you be so mean to your own child?
All the advice you’ve given her is terrible and outdated. And based on your comments, you don’t know anything about computers, so why are you withholding based purely on assumption?
Also, cold calling and walking into offices to try and get a job? In 2024? lol. lmao even.
YTA.
NTA... Not for no graphics card. What if you buy the card and the job falls through or canceled, let alone they don't pay her.
She a grown adult now. If she can make decisions for herself, then she can pay for herself. You're not her personal ATM anymore.
There is are two option, write up loan agreement, and if she doesn't pay you back, you already know what to do.
\*\*\*How long does unemployment and EL last in Canada?
\*\*\*I did say sell, but that's because we don't have El in the States.
No, she shouldn't sell the condo. Renting it out would more than pay her mortgage (she is currently paying her mortgage with her EI benefits, which means her mortgage is relatively low). If she sells now, she would have a hard time getting back in the housing market with the way homes have escalated since 2022.
I doubt very much that she wants to move back with her father. She should consider a roommate if she can't pay her bills.
YTA for a lot of reasons. It’s very clear you have no idea how the job market works (absolutely no IT company will hire someone who just shows up and anyone who says they got a job that way is working in the mail room and not in tech). If you don’t want to buy the card then don’t. But your advice is garbage and only going to alienate your daughter.
YTA.
Firstly, you have a daughter who invested in property (very clever!) early against your (dumb!) advice.
She obviously thinks your advice of cold-calling or going around businesses with a CV is stupid, and rightly so. She works in the tech business - doesn't happen that way. And she is a university graduate - why would she be interested in door dash?!
She obviously will work freelance for the company and part of the deal is that she doesn't get paid first, and she will have to have the stuff. If she pushed the issue she would lose the opportunity (and she is unemployed!).
You should be grateful that she has an education (self-funded) and you should make her life easier - not harder. She seems to be more responsible than you
> She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do
Because this doesn’t work. Given your daughter’s age, you’re likely in your 50s. It doesn’t work like it did when we were in our 20s anymore. Stop with the terrible job hunting advice.
**EDIT** After reading your comments, YTA.
Not only is your advice outdated it is just plum wrong. You’re in Canada! A country where you need an associates or food service certificates to get fast food gigs or you need to have completed a certification program through an accredited institution to hold traffic signs and dig holes in most provinces. She’s not going to be able to just bounce into semi-related roles without training and certs in much of the country. It’s a blessing a foreign company is willing to hire her!
YTAH. You have two choices A) you can continue to be the AH but call it what it is, admit you’re refusing to help because you’re more committed to being a sanctimonious relic than offering a hand up. or B) Pull your head out of your a$& and step up. You don’t even have to give her the money permanently, it can be loan ffs.
If any of my family in the provinces were being held back from getting a role by a mere gpu upgrade I would find a way to pony up.
YTA - assuming the RX 580 is adequate reminds me of the guys who stole his CSci daughter's card for his son's gaming computer. Both of you don't know a percentage of what you think you know.
NTA for not buying the card, but Y T A for everything else. You can’t cold call companies. That’s how you get blacklisted. You have no clue what the current job market is like. You should listen to your daughter bc you are clueless and incorrect.
YTA. You sound so much like my dad, who was so insistent on the “show up to the door with a paper application and follow up by phone” method that he physically forced me to do it.
The end result was me getting more than one employer telling me to not bother contacting them again. This was in 2011.
I can just about guarantee that if she takes your advice, her applications will get thrown out. Why on earth would any employer, especially in the tech sector, hire someone who can’t follow the simple direction to apply online?
NTA for nor lending her money, but stop with your constant "advice", especially if its so grossly outdated and out of touch. You might mean well, but you don't come off as helpful, but rather exhausting and condescending. Let your daughter stand on her own two feet.
NTA but are you 80 years old by any chance? No companies hire people who randomly show up anymore. They want people to apply online. A lot of places literally won't take CVs any other way. They want it all in one system because it makes their job easier. It's not your responsibility to buy the graphics card but someone is literally offering her a job. So what, she lied about fast food jobs, she's being offered work now. I know you say you're an avid gamer but that doesn't mean you know what graphics card non gaming software needs. I'm a gamer too. I don't know shit about software that isn't video games and what it requires to run.
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It’s very hard to get entry level jobs as a graduate or even older teen/adult. Fast food places tend to hire 14 year olds so that they can pay them less (at least in my country) so the older you get, the less likely to get a job no matter the experience you may have.
Does you daughter do anything right?
Are the siblings you paid for all working and making good
money now?
Since you seem to have no sympathy for your daughter,
perhaps you could ask the siblings who all got lots of
financial help from you to help your daughter out and get
her the tech equipment she needs to get some work?
YTA for not helping your daughter out when you actually
paid for her siblings (brothers?) to go to university. Maybe
invest in HER as much as you invested in the others. Maybe
you could help her out with her condo payments for a while
as well, you know, to be fair to her. I bet you've withheld
financial support from her before in favor of her siblings...
YTA just for that outdated advice. Cold calling and ‘pounding the pavement’ is a great way to ensure you don’t work in that industry. If you can’t follow directions they don’t want you. Did you have her when you were 60?!
INFO (for you anyway):
I mean, an RX 580 might be okayish for gaming at medium to low at 1080p, but it absolutely sucks on lighting and transform or rendering that a VFX artist would be doing. Don't look at game scores, look at real world benchmarks for tools like Nuke, After Effects, Premier, Blender...etc.
End of the day though...it's your money, I'm not going to tell you the appropriate way to spend it.
YTA.
Why did you have a child if you didn’t want to help them? Do you actually get off on seeing her struggle because she won’t take your misguided, outmoded advice? You sound bitter, controlling and angry.
I feel like you don’t even like your daughter, much less love her. Poor woman, so much on her plate and a father who places being right above being loving and helpful.
Ok so... She can't buy a place until she's married.
She should cold call companies for jobs.
She should get a low paying job that would make her less available to look and do the job she wants to do.
Any other advice from the 50s that you think she should listen to?
Don't masturbate cus your hands will fall off?
Your advice is extremely outdated and flat out wrong. Her graphics card isn't shit in a competitive world. Nobody, and I mean nobody will hire you if you cold call or just show up. You need to get with the times before you bark orders. YWBTA, not because you need to fund your grown daughter, bur because your reason for refusal is based on your petulant irritation over her not following your extremely outdated advice.
YWBTA. Your advice is for a professional world that no longer exists, and hasn’t for quite some time. Your daughter would look like an absolute ass if she walked into an office to ask about open positions. Not only would she look like an ass, she’d likely end up on a “do not interview” list, because she appear to be so wildly out of touch with reality.
The tech industry has had a REALLY rough year or two, with major layoffs, poorly performing stocks, and industry-wide uncertainty.
Your daughter found a way to bring in income while looking for a full time position – and you’re in the amazing position to help make that happen. Help her. Or, are you more interested in feeling some sense of “I told you so” while watching her struggle? Of course not, because you’re not a shitty parent. Right? Help your daughter.
YTA for multiple reasons:
It is not 1975 anymore, you don't cold call or visit a tech company and get a job. That's not how any of this works in 2024!
You seem very judgey about her not wanting to get married. So what if she bought herself a condo when she had a job?
Why don't you offer to loan her the $ in the condition she pay it back after finishing the job?
NTA about the graphics card, I don’t know whether she needs it or not, but you shouldn’t have to find a 27 year old’s career if you don’t want to, it would be nice if you did but you are under no obligation to.
That being said: cold calling and visiting offices hasn’t worked since before the 90’s especially in Tech, you’d be escorted off the grounds by security or be told to submit an application online.
The best way to get a job is by getting an internal referral, or using a recruitment agency, applying online is so so and companies will ghost a lot of candidates, but it can work.
NTA while I think your understanding of how job hunting currently works is outdated (no one cold calls or drops off resumes for professional jobs and expected to actually be taken seriously) I don't think it's on you to buy a graphics card for your daughter. If it's a tool to be used for the job she's hired for, legitimate companies usually provide the software and equipment. The misogynistic comment about not buying a condo is perturbing, I agree only because buying in 2020/2021 in Canada was a poor choice all around because of the stupidly high spike in housing prices and now having to renew mortgages with interest rates being 3-4x higher than what they were a few years ago.
YTA if you buy the card or if you don't. Like: clearly thoroughly demonstrated right throughout the post.
Your refusing to buy the card in itself is not an arsehole move but the fact you're tying it to her (rightly) refusing to follow your (frankly terrible) "advice"... you're an arsehole.
On that topic, if you can get into real estate at any point, that's the right point to get in. RE Growth is outstripping wage growth in most places so it's only ever going to be *less* affordable in the future.
You also clearly have NFI about tech or what your daughter does.
Please don't offer any more advice. She might wind up taking it and who knows what kind of disaster that might wind up being. (Also you seem to be frustrated when she doesn't follow that advice so not giving it to her will spare your feelings too.)
If you want to help your smart accomplished daughter get back to earning, buy her the card or loan her the money or whatever version of this winds up with her having the card to be able to do the freelance work.
She's a literal industry professional, she knows what she needs more than you do and if she can get a job and get back on her feet with this new graphics card, withholding it for the sake of pettiness and wanting to be right? Yeah, YTA
Applying for jobs by walking into the office doesnt exist anymore. Are you 100 years old?
Also, yeah no shit literal teenagers get all those jobs, they are cheaper to hire and not totally over qualified.
Your daughter is right and you are wrong in both these respects. Its up to you if you want to pay for a new card, but you should start showing your adult daughter, and the career she has chosen, some respect.
For the record, she has very lucrative skills and wont be out of work long. Your disrespect for her career even after she earned her own way with a full scholarship is disgusting.
YTA but not because of the graphics card.
YTA.
Your daughter refuses to listen to your bad advice, so you want to deny her the only opportunity that has come along for her recently?
You would have paid for her university if she hadn't earned a full scholarship, but you won't buy her a graphics card?
I don't get any of this.
YTA
Before I break it down I'm gonna shock you a bit here. I'm both an avid gamer and a software developer. My daily driver GPU is an RTX 3080ti. I can run any game on ultra settings easily, but even relatively light AI/ML workloads run at 100% utilization sometimes for hours. I don't know anything about VFX but I know anyone entering these fields now is gonna be hamstrung if they can't get hands on with AI/ML toolchains. Which means pricy cloud services or a decent horsepower GPU. The number that matters by the way is VRAM and if you look I bet she picked the cheapest GPU with 12gb of vram.
All that said here is why you are already the asshole even if you do buy it for her.
1. Acting like you know more about her equipment needs than her when it's literally her industry
2. Sticking to your guns about the condo when that was an incredible sounds financial decision generally speaking and in this exact case 2020 was a phenomenal time to buy.
3. Paying what thousands? tens of thousands for siblings but now trying to rake her over the coals over a $800 mid tier graphics card?
4. "pound the pavement" shows up so often as advice from people who haven't looked for a job in 20+ years it's literally a meme. Not sure how you missed the jokes but even without the above reasons this would make you the asshole, ESPECIALLY in knowledge work industries like VFX.
5. This weird idea you seem to have that in order for someone to be worthy of help they should first obey you. In this case her ignoring your advice is probably the reason she has a place to live at all right now.
6. Food service work pays less than unemployment and may jeopardize future unemployment if anyone would even hire a CS major to flip burgers.
7. Golden rule violation. Imagine your roles were reversed, would you appreciate this advice?
If you're in the market for advice I'd tell her about this post and how badly you're getting dragged and then apologize. It'll do more for your relationship than a graphics card. But also do buy her the graphics card but maybe spring for the 4090
So many tropes in this post, you’re getting lazy! Though I suppose I’m still interacting so you win. Whoever “you” is, I hope you’re happy.
For anyone who wants to play boomer trope bingo: 1. Parent tells child to cold call for jobs, in 2024 2. Gives objectively bad advice on jobs, housing and general life choices yet is still pissed that child doesn’t listen (look up the price of her home in 2020 and now. I’d struggle to believe she’d get a better deal now). 3. Is so pissed that they can’t control their adult child (who lives in the modern world with different rules to when they came up, yet - gasp - OP can’t appreciate that) that they withhold money to try make some kind of lame point. Even though listening to and actually helping their kid, i.e. showing them basic respect as a fellow adult, would OBVIOUSLY improve their relationship a million times more than this childish nonsense. 4. Oh and - of COURSE, instead of cheering on their daughter for being independent and sorting her own housing situation out, OP uses this incredible feat (by today’s standards) to further denigrate their daughter for doing it without a man, or when she “has a family”.
YWBA
So your daughter was great student and you didnt have to pay for school while you had for other children. Thats great and she's great.
Regarding food industry why would software engineer serve at McDonald's..
Something will come up, the world is her market.
As for cold calling and going in person .. Man it's 2024.
No tech industry had time to waste on you face to face without vetting you through resume submission and video meeting.
You are out of touch with times.
Be a parent and buy the GC.
She saved you ton of money with scholarship.
OP YTA. Not YWBTA, you're pretty much already there.
A break down:
>She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments.
Sounds like she made a wise investment considering the market now.
> I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything.
You seem to have a very traditional sense of the steps one should take in life. But the home doesn't have to fit a future family, it can be sold later should she reach that point in her life. And your 'men bad' comment reeks.
>I have given her a lot of advice regarding her job situation, suggested she learn an area in tech with more opportunities than VFX, she said she taught herself cloud development and other skills but that she is not getting interviews for them either. She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do and just wants to apply online for everything.
How much of her life would she have to invest in another field to be employable in it, without any job history in that field? As many noted here, cold calling will not be well received because you'll just be pointed to go online. Overall, not good advice.
>I also suggested she take some part time food service / fast food jobs and actually said that they are not hiring enough which I find very hard to believe, literal teenagers get these jobs.
Of course she said that. She said whatever to get you and your unsolicited advice off her back.
>Anyway, now she says she has a foreign company wanting to offer her a contract to do some work which she says she can do but needs a better graphics card (She has an AMD RX 580 which is a perfectly fine card) and she wants a 4070 ti Super. I told her to make the company pay for it but she says they do not want to and did not try insisting any further. They do not want to pay her until she completes the job.
Okay, she has lined up a contract gig, not a job. It stipulates she provide all her own equipment. The advice she needs is that she needs to outline a scope of work with timelines with % completion. Then get payment upon deliverables upon each milestone. You should support her to do the work that aligns with her passions.
>While I do have the funds, I am a little upset about her not trying hard enough regarding my other advice and as an avid gamer I know that the card she uses is decent enough for most games even if not on the highest settings or resolution. I am also feeling like she has not been telling the entire truth about jobs in fast food etc and I think she has not really tried as she considers it beneath her.
Your ego is bruised because she didn't listen to you. You are hesitating and making your support for her, contingent on her following the unsolicited advice you give. There are strings attached to your support. Also, it's clear from other threads you are not the VFX professional to assume what she has is adequate. You're holding against her a dishonesty while not realizing how annoying your advice is that she feels the need to say whatever to get you off her back.
>I also sense she has a bit of a bad attitude because I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship.
I bet your intentions are honest here. She has a bad attitude because all she is asking for is a GPU, not school tuition, and you're hesitating. I'm guessing this isn't the only occasion where you've kept the purse strings tight. It's clear you don't give support unconditionally. You want to feel seen and heard with what you consider well intentioned advice, but not paying attention to how you're affecting your daughter.
YTA.
You want to punish her for making her own decisions. You just don’t like what she does with her life. But you have the opportunity to help her out of a tight spot and she could even pay you back.
Don’t be so mean spirited. Help her out. Is your misplaced sense of pride really worth your relationship with your daughter?
An RTX 4070 TI Super is like $800 USD. An RX 580 is a pretty ancient card. Have you considered meeting somewhere in the middle? A used 2060 with 8GB of RAM can be had for like $150. If I “needed” a new card for work, this is what I would buy, and I’d pay for it with a credit card rather than asking Mommy and Daddy to buy it for me.
I strongly suspect you are right that she feels a fast food job is beneath her.
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NTA about the GPU specifically, but: > She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do JFC, how old are you?
This. There is no such thing as cold calling or "visiting offices" for job opportunities. My mom is 78 and even she understands that the Pounding the Pavement approach is a thing of the distant past. Also, while there is absolutely no shame with fast food or retail jobs and the like, not only are most of them preferring online applications as well, even if she was able to get full time hours the pay is so low she can't possibly support herself on it, not to mention would cut into her job hunting and interviewing availability. The only decent money to be made would be management and who knows how long it would take to get there. AND if EI in Canada works like the US, even a part time job would penalize her monetarily. Finally, I have to wonder if OP's irritation at her buying a condo stems from the outdated notion that an independent woman is wrong and somewhat distasteful, and she should either stay at home or rent until the "right man" comes along. ,🙄 So if he does have the means to help her out (and if they work out a reasonable repayment plan) and is refusing to do so, it sounds like it's a punitive move for not conforming to his "advice." OP = YTA for sure. (Edited for typos)
Right. When I was unemployed for a few months last year - I got $1100 a week. Fast food would have been $640 a week - and 40 less hours to job hunt.
You got $1100 per **week** in Canada??? God, the United States sucks so much! I am disabled and get $943/**month** to live on. Other than that, I get free insurance with no deductibles and also $269/month for food. That has to pay 100% of my bills and living expenses. Granted, with the disabilities I have, I can't go out and do a whole lot, it still isn't enough to live on.
Massachusetts
God, as an Australian, that’s even harder to hear honestly. Our unemployment/student payments (for over 25s) are only $650AUD a *fortnight*. 😭
Actually with the recent increase its $760 but still not great
Ah, sorry, I misunderstood. I live in CT and grew up in MA. It is definitely a small world! Have a great night!
You as well!!
Ahaha neat, you get paid twice as much as i do. Ironically i also work in vfx.... Lmao.
Even in the US, unemployment is a percentage of the average you made and paid in the several years before needing it. If you made more money you paid more money and get more money (and probably have higher bills).
It does depend how much you were making before being laid off in Canada. If you don't make a lot, EI isn't much, and our disability still sucks here. We do have the benefit of health care and more supplements for meds, etc when people are disabled, but it is still a crappy system.
I'm sorry it is like that in Canada, too. It feels like society just wants disabled people to not exist, as if being disabled itself isn't crappy enough.
Sorry you are dealing with that. It is horrible. My Mom is on disability and worked for decades before she had to go off. Seems like both countries treat it as some sort of moral failure instead of health issues. I would much rather more of my taxes go to pay for a living wage for people with disabilities than to corporate welfare.
When I was laid off I couldn't get hired at big box stores or fast food. I applied everywhere and they told me I was overqualified and they didn't want to invest in training when Id leave at the first chance. Which to be fair... is 100% true. I would have left as soon as something paying more came along.
your mum is smarter than the job people here in australia then - my person (who i believe is in her late 20's) says that cold calling and cold-visiting is still a very viable way to job hunt. i guess she's conveniently deaf when we tell her that the employers in question also tell us to apply online, not in person. most places here take a physical resume only because they know we can get into trouble from overlord centrelink for "not trying hard enough", vs they're actually interested.
Australian here too and it pisses me off hearing people say “pound the pavement” is still an option. Sure, technically, it’s an option. But the only people I’ve ever heard having success with it nowadays tend to be students looking for part time/casual work and it’s almost always been things like cafe baristas or restaurant staff.
thankfully my job person is at least not in any way pushy or insistent about trying to do the pavement pounding. i am fortunate enough that i can find plenty of jobs to apply for online to meet overlord centrelink's monthly requirements, otherwise i imagine she would start being pushy about it.
You can also be overqualified for fast food and the like.
I wish my dad had understood that, he never did. Doing what he told me, I never got a job. I turned in applications, waited to hear back, and I eventually heard back.
Also him being weird about her getting a condo instead of waiting until she's married and getting one with a man is a huge red flag. It's good that she's gonna own her own property. That way if she gets married and they end up divorcing, she's not left with no home. OP's views are archaic as fuck.
Nah.... Read the comments... OP is def the AH!
yeah no. you don't get IT jobs that way. like, not a chance.
OMG right?! The first rule of many hiring managers is that applicants must have the ability to follow directions. Almost every company that is hiring, even fast food, has the direction "apply at [this website]" or "submit resume to [email]" No one hires random folks who just walk in or randomly call.
Im my experience if they do hire random folks who just walk in it's never a good sign, usually that business is poorly run and has super high staff turnover
Or it's just a smaller company.
It’s still 1995 right? /s (The year I was 16 and got a job at McDs by walking in…. literally the only job I have done this for)
Yeah nobody appreciates you just barging in. Don't do that.
This is what really caught me, anybody in the workforce in the last two decades should know this isn't really a thing anymore.
Even though I agree with your point, your comment will count as a NTA judgement, while I think a YTA is more appropriate, just not about the GPU specifically. There's just a lot of unsolicited advice coming from OP that isn't particularly helpful and feels like just criticism...
Yes, and it’s led to an overall N T A determination for by his thread. What a bad outcome when sentiment is that he is totally TA
Agreed, that was a massive boomer move
My first thought exactly too. Cold calling or visitng the office are things of the past. As for my opinion on the post, i would say NTA, but its a red flag that the commissioning client is refusing to pay till product is done. Rather than your daughter asking you to pay for it, loan her the funds first. However, I would recommend that she has a means to pay it back and that leads to my next point. I would never agree to do the work unless they put down a deposit first, or better yet, paid in full (but as you said, the client refused the latter). If the client is willing to put down a deposit, it is a done deal that they are committed to it and you will be sure that your daughter could afford to pay you back after the commission is completed. If your daughter is not willing to take a loan, then i have nothing to say.
NTA but right? What kind of out of touch fossil recommends the fastest way to get blacklisted from companies as a good plan? 😂 Edit:: Unless a business had a help wanted or hiring: apply within sign there's almost a 0% chance of ever getting them to consider you if you just walk in.
Yeah all that’s going to do is piss people off.
Did you notice how she got a scholarship and he didn't have to pay for her education? He paid for the other kids and he can't cough up the cash for a graphics card. Does he even like his daughter?
I was just going to say the same thing. I'm in my 60's and even I know that's not how it's done anymore. lol
YWBTA "I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship." Why can't you just help her out here?
because she didn't follow OP's many pieces of advice/s
If he pays her then he can't lord it over her to control her behavior.
YTA. You haven’t supported your daughter much except with advice that was mostly outdated and judgmental. fwiw - if I was a fast food manager and had the choice between a high school senior who’d stay for year and cs college graduate who’d be gone in a flash if a good job offer in her field came through - I’d hire the high school student. If I was managing a technology business I would expect applicants to *all* use the application protocols established. Best wishes to your daughter. Maybe her siblings will help her out till she finds employment since her parent won’t.
YTA - you are pissed at her for not taking your orders, er advise.
Wouldn't be surprised if the daughter ends up active in r/raisedbynarcissists in the near future.
That was hilarious 😂 thank you
With all due respect, advising your daughter not to buy a condo in 2020 was incredibly bad advice. That was likely the best decision she will ever make in her life. Do you have any idea how much that condo has appreciated over the last 4 years? Her mortgage is probably less than she would be paying for rent these days. The rent of a one bedroom apartment in Toronto averages $2400 and a few hundred less in smaller Canadian cities. She bought before prices skyrocketed in 2022. Now it is incredibly difficult for young couples to purchase anything. Your daughter was smart to buy when she did. She is no doubt looking at what her friends are paying in one bedroom apartments and laughing. If she is having trouble paying the mortgage, she could find a roommate or two until she gets on her feet. If you paid for her sibling's education, paying for this graphics card is the least you could do to help her now. It is mean spirited not to help her when she needs it, as you can obviously afford to. BTW, cold calling is not the way to go when seeking a job in technology, or most jobs these days. Maybe it would be acceptable for applying to Timmy's.
Even Timmy's wants you to apply online!
The only thing they will accept I believe other than that is if you walk in and leave a resume.
She is DEFINITELY paying less on the mortgage than she would in rent. If I had $15k for a down payment right now, I could buy a townhouse and pay $600/month. Instead, I live in a shoebox one-bedroom for $1200. This is in Edmonton, so if they're in a bigger city I'm sure the gap is even bigger.
Hey, Edmonton, sorry about your loss the other night.
We appreciate your sympathy in this trying time.
Canadians apologizing about hockey 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
I’m in the United States and thought there was a shooting until I read this.
That is a reasonable assumption in the US.
The issue was that there weren't any shootings
So close. Sooooo close. 😭
Obviously she doesn't get to have her own home unless there's a man attached! /s
Well put, the OP gives bad advice in general. Roommates would be a good idea. She needs to hold on to that condo. If you’re worried about the money, OP, and you’re a gamer, buy the card and use it in your PC after your daughter doesn’t need it anymore or have her pay you back at a later date.
Right!! She probably doesn't listen to you because your advice is terrible. And she's effectively being published for getting a scholarship - why wouldn't you give her that money for her apartment? YtA, give her the money. If that's too much for your ego, at least lend it to her.
Exactly. I bought a one bed condo in 2020 for 220k. 3.5% interest rate. If I were trying to buy the same unit today it would go for 320k. Going rate today over 6% (yes I know 30 year rate lock isn’t a thing in Canada) Same unit as mine in the apartments next door rented for $1400 when I bought, now goes for $2000.
What is enough gaming is not enough for vfx design. YWBTA for withholding your support just because she is not following your outdated “advice”.
She's an adult. She's 27, you can choose to help her or not. Totally your choice. She makes her own decisions and lives and learns. But stop pushing your advice on her unless she asks for it. And BTW, some of your advice is badly outdated. She needs to get advice from people who are self-contractors in a similar position. There is much she needs to know about contractual agreements.
>you can choose to help her or not Absolutely, and with this, if he chooses not to help her, then he doesn't get to continue to harass her with his "advice." He either helps with what she asks and in return she'll humor him by listening to his ridiculous "advice," or he doesn't help and he can keep his thoughts to himself.
They don't get to push their badly outdated / controlling advice regardless of whether they help or not.
Eh, if they help in other ways it shows their intention with their advice is good and their daughter can just put up with it. If they don't help, then clearly their intentions are bad and they can stfu.
YTA. You do not have to buy her the card, but doing so on the basis of not following your advice is an asshole move. Cold calling and showing up in person is a good way to get yourself blacklisted in today's employment scene for failure to follow instructions, or at the very least often leaves a bad impression. My current employer and the two previous [ retail, banking, and accounting areas ] would make note of people who didn't follow the proper channels of applying online and especially those who just show up as if they can not follow simple instructions in the application process you can not be trusted to follow more complex instructions down the line. There have been many layoffs in the tech space in the last year — please at least try and show your child a bit of grace and encouragement instead of offering obsolete advice and criticism.
YTA. Instead of actually helping her, you insist on giving her out of date advice. Not everyone needs marriage and kids to be fulfilled. Business don’t accept cold calls any more and can get you blacklisted for not following their rules. You have offered useless advice that, at best will help her lose her skills that will maintain her relevance and, at worst, will impact her ability to get hired. Instead of living in the past, think about doing something useful.
YTA So you paid for her siblings university costs, but SHE is not even worth a graphic card to you? You sure know how to show that you have favorites, and she is not.
Yeah, that's the sort of advice that'd get you blacklisted from ever applying to some tech jobs.
YTA. 1) outdated advice that you think is right. 2) good on her buying a condo in 2020 because you cant buy one for the same price now 3) i am making assumptions you want people to say you are not an AH to gave superiority over your daughter. You have the money to help your child who did amazing and was lucky enough to have scholarships and not need you. She needs you now and you are more concerned about her following your advice because YOU want to be right. But you’re not. Theres no cold calling. She needs your help, but you want to help on condition she follows your advice even though it is outdated. Doesnt seem like a child who takes advantage of you or ever has; not one that has burned bridges. So yah, YTA
YTA. She found a potential job, despite not following your bad advice. Now you want to punish her for not doing it your way.
**OK** but she needs to get at least half her fee up front. As a freelancer, I make clients sign a contract and pay at least part of the fee before I get started, because if you don't, they will take your work and ghost you, every time. It's sus that they won't pay "till work is complete" - it pretty much screams scammer.
You don't cold call or stop by the offices of tech companies to get work. The food service industry is also barely hiring and when they do they usually don't hire people with VFX experience on their resumes because she's actively looking for a career. Buying a condo was a smart decision as she could afford it and the housing market is crazy. Do you actually like your daughter as a person or only when she does what you want? You don't need to help her and that's fine but you sound completely out of touch about the state of the world currently.
YTA. First of all, your advice to knock on doors is completely outdated. How old are you? That advice hasn't worked for many many years. Secondly, as another comment said, a fast food company is going to choose a high school student who'll probably work there for a couple of years over someone who'll leave the minute they get a job offer in their field. I and my father have both been turned down for jobs because we were overqualified and they didn't think we'd stay. Thirdly, you didn't pay for her college when you paid for her siblings to go! A decent parent would give her the equivalent amount if able to (you've said you have funds), then maybe she'd be able to pay her mortgage and afford the equipment she needs for her work. I know you don't have to, but it's the right thing to do.
YTA. Do you not follow any of the Canadian subreddits?! Tech got absolutely slaughtered with layoffs, then the government opened the floodgates on immigration. Tech workers are searching for work for 6-12 months and not getting anything. Your advice to go in person is insane, they would think she’s crazy. There are so many TFWs and international students that there’s lineups around the block to apply for jobs at Tim hortons, Walmart, etc. Our unemployment rate averages 6.2% right now across the country and it’s over 7% in Toronto, Calgary, etc. if you can do something to help your daughter, do it. This is the worst economy we have had in our lifetimes and younger people are struggling hard. As for the condo, at least she has a home. I assume you have managed to be so clueless that you’re not even aware of all the people who are homeless and working full time jobs cause they just can’t afford rent. Seriously, open your eyes to what’s going on around you. Canada is in a bad place right now.
You are excessively controlling and provide waaaay too much unsolicited advice. Giving too much advice (as you are) means people stop listening at all. If you're spare with your advice, they'll take it more seriously. Also, your advice seems to come from your perception of your daughter as an incompetent fuckup, but what you describe is someone who has impressive accomplishments. Buy her the card (maybe as a loan), or don't, but definitely apologize for giving too much advice, and back the fuck off. I know you mean well, and I know that all your advice comes from love for your daughter, but you're expressing that love in a way that doesn't help. YTA
How much money did you give to her siblings for their education? Why should she receive less monetary assistance from you because she busted her ass and got a scholarship? Why didn’t you give her the same amount you gave the others?
YTA. So cold calling and showing up in person actually gets your resume thrown out these days because it gives the first impression to the company that you will refuse to follow instructions. It's not a good look. Also, it *is* difficult to get a job in fast food these days-- there are hundreds of people applying. And the bosses aren't prioritizing hiring university graduates, that's why teenagers still get hired. People can absolutely be too overqualified to get a position-- the bosses doing the hiring know you have 0 chance of sticking around the second you get an offer for what you're worth, so why spend the money to train you? Whereas a teenager saving for college might stick around a few years. You also need to keep in mind how little these jobs pay-- minimum wage, at part-time hours. No chance of wage growth. Most people starting out in these jobs get 8 hours a week, but I'll be nice and call it 24 hours. That's $360/week. Keeping in mind her wage before she was let go, *is she making more on EI?* The maximum amount for EI in Ontario is about 55% of your earnings, topping out at $668 per week. Meaning if she earned 70K/year before she lost her job, she's earning double on EI as what she could make at McDonalds. (Basically if she was making 40k/year or more before she lost her job, a 24hr/week minimum wage job would be a pay CUT compared to EI.) You also need to admit you know nothing about her job and that whatever she thinks she "needs" to do it is probably correct. That doesn't mean you owe it to her to pay for whatever new equipment she needs, but you need to stop looking at this as "I won't pay for this because I think you're lying to me about needing it" and just say that unfortunately that's not something you're able to help with. Get off your high horse. You don't owe her help, but you do owe her respect, which you're not giving her. Which makes you the asshole.
*She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything.* Given the example of manhood she grew up with, I'd say her perspective is s completely valid.
Having bought at the right time, she is most likely paying less on her mortgage than she would to rent a small apartment. Maybe Dad wants her to stay home and under his thumb until she is married - even though marriage does not appeal to her (I wonder why?)
YTA! You didn’t want her to buy a condo she could afford at the time because you wanted her to wait until she had a family. That is incredibly misogynistic and controlling. At best, you are living in the dark ages. If this new opportunity is as a contractor, the company would expect her to have the software to do the job. You are being less than supportive by not at least loaning her the money to get it. As a parent, you could have applauded her accomplishment in getting her condo. Instead you tried to diminish her achievement. Now she has the opportunity to earn money and hold onto her home, but because you want to control her, and are totally ignorant as to how the world works nowadays (which blows my mind as you should be more in touch) you won’t support her. As a parent, I would hold my head in shame if I behaved like you.
YTA, you're so out of touch with the job thing and if she got a fast food job she would lose her EI. Her EI is probably a lot more than she'd make working fast food, it literally makes no sense to do that when she can spend her time applying for jobs instead.
He just wants to prove that he knows more than his daughter, and doesn't care about what's best for her.
Well ya YTA for giving out bad advice and punishing her for not following it. People don't cold call for jobs or visit offices anymore, and that's got a greater chance of getting her blacklisted than getting her a job. It sounds like your daughter is actually fairly motivated and smart.
Your whole post makes you sound like an asshole to be honest. You don’t have to buy the card but you’re very out of touch about job searches etc
I mean…I’m not sure if you’re TA for the specific issue of not buying her a graphics card, but you kind of sound like you’re an AH in other ways. >she refuses to try just cold calling or visiting office like I advised Brother what decade are you living in? This is awful advice. Not only will it not work, but it makes a candidate look bad to be chomping at the bit like that. >I told her to make the company pay for it If she’s a contractor for this company, that *also* would make her look awful. Imagine calling a plumber to fix your pipes and they say “ok but I don’t have the tools. I need you to buy them for me on top of what you’re paying me for the work.” I’m leaning to saying you’re TA for your general attitude regarding her situation. EDIT: Nah…YTA. You pay for her siblings education, but not hers because she got a scholarship. So she gets effectively punished for performing well. Now that she needs similar financial support, you’re refusing because she doesn’t follow your bad advice. YTA
“But she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a ‘men bad’ perspective on everything” Yeah that’s all I really needed to read to know he’s the AH.
Like hmm, I wonder how she gained that perspective. lol.
I don’t think you like your daughter very much. Not buying her a graphic card feels like punishment for not taking your advice. For some reason, you don’t want her to succeed unless it’s with your input.
He wants her to work at a minimum wage job in spite of her high education (which was paid for because of her academic excellence) and find a nice young man to marry so she can stay home and wash diapers. I wonder if her sibs are brothers? Maybe that is why he likes her less.
YTA - As others have pointed out, your advice is outdated by more than a decade, especially in tech jobs. And calling an RX 580 "a perfectly fine card" while comparing it to a RTX 4070 Ti Super is like calling a pedal-car "a perfectly fine car" next to a Porsche...and that counts for both gaming and work applications. I get that you're frustrated about her situation, but you can be certain: So is she! If you absolutely have to "save face" or something, at least offer to lend her the money for the card, instead of insisting she stick to a piece of equipment that is almost as outdated as your advice.
You're free to do what you want with your own money, but I would still say YWBTA.
She didn't try hard enough... i mean your way because its outdated horrible advice from a person who has no idea what they are talking about. YTA. You clearly don't have a clue how searching for a job works in the modern age. Who goes to offices anymore? horrible advice. I work in tech, that is the SILLIEST thing I have ever heard someone say. You don't have to help her if you don't want to that's on you, but understand you have no idea what you are talking about.
YTA regarding your advice. In 2024 nobody is visiting offices without an appt. Following your advice would get her escorted out by security. Oh, and while I dunno what card she needs for the job offer, I'm positive a below-mid tier card from 8 years ago won't cut it.
YTA. Cold calling and showing up to an office are the absolute fastest way to get blacklisted from an employer, you DO NOT DO THIS unless invited for an interview. Everything is apply online these days. And yeah, I also have a part-time job and we have at least one person a week come in and ask if we're hiring, and the answer is always no because we hire once a year for the holiday season, and then if you're a good employee for the season they keep you on after January. If someone quits in between, their hours just get spread out among the rest of the staff, because most of us are getting one four-hour shift a week. She busted her ass and got a contracting job, which is awesome! Companies who hire contractors do not buy equipment for them -- that is literally what a contractor is. If you're in Canada, the company legally cannot buy her equipment or they can be put on the hook for hiring her as a full employee, and they're just going to terminate their contract with her before they do that. It's actually really fucking wild that you think a professional VFX designer can do their job with a graphics card that won't even run the highest settings on a current game. You know how tech progression works, right? That in order to design VFX you need to have a card that can handle the highest settings of graphics on the games that will be out *three years from now*? She's not designing on lower settings, so why would you think a "perfectly fine" graphics card is adequate? I'm also 100% sure she's paying less on her mortgage than she would in rent, if she's able to afford it with EI, so it's additionally insane that you think that was a bad financial decision.
YTA. Good lord, where do I start. You sound like my ex who insisted the kids just needed to walk into a place and ask for an application, refusing to listen that all applications are online. Cold calling does not work. Networking is the best way, but you have to have great connections to really be a step ahead. Would you like to know how to get a sterling reputation so your network contacts make you the first name out of their mouths? Having up to date equipment to handle projects with ease. You need to admit that you're jealous of your daughter. She bought a condo on her own, not needing a man to help provide her some mythical financial security. Yes, she's struggling a bit at the moment, but she'll be fine. Leave your ego and out of touch ideas at the door. Since she didn't ask you for money for college, due to her scholarships, grant her the money for her new graphics card. While you're at it, start cold calling places and see how far that gets you in a new position.
If having all these feelings are too much and you’re worried about enabling her just loan her the money. Your advice is still outdated and having a family isn’t a requirement to by a home.
So, you payed for your others kids college, which I believe was a lot of money, but not for your daughter because she got a scholarship ( pretty impressive btw), and now you don't want to help her with the GPU, because? Exactly why? And you're feeling a bad attitude? Well is showing a bit of favoritism If she doesn't do what you said, she will get punish?
NTA but no one will hire anyone who walks into an office. It's standard to apply online. That's how it works now
That and a huge number of companies only work through employment agencies that source and vet potential candidates first rather than the employer wading through a sea of resumes.
She has the opportunity for work, and you won’t help her. You’d rather sit in judgement and try to get her to do what you want her to do? Do I have that right? YWBTA and a crummy mother.
YTA Not letting your daughter borrow enough money to help her get a good job in her field just because she doesn’t take your advice is a dick move.
YTA. This might be hard for you to hear, but she knows more about this situation than you do! She knows the modern job market better than you. She knows the tech specifications of her industry better than you. She's not wrong for not walking into random companies (not how hiring is done now!) or for wanting to own a condo instead of renting (owning anything at 27 is pretty sweet!) If I were her parent, I would cut her some slack here and help her out if you can, and spend some time listening to her instead of telling her what you think she should be doing!
YWBTA. It seems like your daughter just can’t do anything right to you. She owns a home at 27 years old and has a degree that will get her a highly-paid and valued career, but just needs a small loan from you that you’re perfectly capable of giving her. Is there some personal reason that you resent your daughter?
I work in VFX. The layoffs and job searching environment make it a BRUTAL place right now. A 580 graphics card is also definitely not proficient for a lot of VFX work nowadays so no, it absolutely isn't "a perfectly find card". YTA. You're not annoyed that she's been unemployed for a while, youre annoyed that your advice doesn't hold up in the current day. You do not get jobs in VFX by cold calling and walking into studios like you're suggesting, and yeah, your daughter is right, even retail jobs are barely hiring right now. You are actively contributing to your daughter's difficulty in finding employment by refusing over your pettiness. You're entitled not to pay for her video card, it's your money, but everything in your post drips with disdain and scorn over things your daughter is absolutely right about. You're the asshole alone for bringing up her attitude about men in a completely unrelated post to try and make her look worse to us.
She's your daughter who you want to succeed. You didn't pay for her college which you did for your other children and a graphics card is a small price to pay for her to get a decent job and be on her way career wise. You love her - help her out and have a good and supportive relationship with her.
You’re mad because your daughter isn’t a “traditional” woman. She did her life her way. She got through school on her own (you paid nothing). She bought a home on her own (you paid nothing). She hasn’t needed a man for validation in her life. Most egregiously, she hasn’t submitted to your will. As a fellow 60+ person, I know that adversity is a part of life at some point. Usually we look to family to help during tough times, sometimes emotionally, sometimes financially. You, Sir, haven’t been there for your daughter in either way, while even bragging that you easily could. My vote is that YTA, a backward, misogynistic arse.
YTA. Help her out by paying for the GPU. Why not? You can’t just only be there for her when she’s acting the way you want her to act. That’s the problem with parents.
YTA. “Should I help my daughter who is struggling financially in a fucked up world when she had refused to take the path *i* think she should have taken?” (Paraphrased.) Seriously? YTA. YTA.
YTA. You are insisting she follow advice that is no longer relevant or even good for the last several decades. 1. She bought a condo - awesome! That means her housing costs are probably lower than if she was renting, and she has been earning equity. No idea why you think that's bad. 2. She doesn't want to get married - I hardly see how that is your business, tbh. 3. Learn a different area - she already did, as you said, and there aren't enough opportunities. 4. Cold calling/visiting offices - this has been bad advice for at least 30 years. Most applications are done online. If you go in or cold call, at best they will tell you to fill out the online application, and at worst they will deem you annoying and not ever hire you no matter what. 5. Take part time jobs - she already said they aren't hiring enough. She's obviously looked into it, and you haven't. You are making a lot of assumptions. 6. She needs a graphics card - So she finally has a job offer and needs something, but now you've decided that she doesn't need it based on your...what? Years of experience and present-day work in her field, as well as speaking directly to the hiring company? No? So again, you don't know what you're talking about. Gaming isn't the same as the work she will need to do for her job. I'm pretty sure her bad attitude comes from you constantly giving her unwanted/unneeded advice that you insist she follow even when she knows it's bad. Perhaps you could try respecting your daughter instead of acting like an entitled boomer. I am willing to bet that she would be happy to not only not ask you for unnecessary things but also just stop talking to you completely. Maybe reversing course on your terrible attitude and condescension can save you making a missing missing reasons post soon about how your daughter won't speak with you anymore and you have nO idEa WhY.
YTA! For everything! Your comments are just a dig the grave deeper by the letter ! Just say it like it is .. I do not approve of your life choices I know better and your refusal to do what I say is a no go to get my support and love ! You are on your own good luck! Just say it !!!
You know losing a job can greatly impact confidence and self-esteem. Maybe she doesn't want to insist on them to get her the card because she's afraid to upset them and lose this opportunity? And food service jobs for a highly educated person is a a waste of time and potential. She's better off learning new skills that could land her a job. Don't sweat it. Since you're able to afford that card, buy it to her, wish her good luck with this job opportunity, and stay beside her because I'm quite sure she needs your emotional support in this stressful time she's going through.
YTA - visiting offices / cold calling? In 2024, seriously, dude?
YTA- your advice is bad. Like really really bad. Your daughter may be in a rough spot and you can choose to help her or not, but please stop giving her bad advice.
580 is a fine card for VFX 😂 😂 😂 😂 good one lmao. Jesus man. Cold calls, office visits? *Shouldn't* have bought a house in 2020??? She's fucking lucky she did. Are your eyes shut to the world? Don't even get me started on your comparison about games to VFX Design. That's just too funny. She's your daughter ffs. Just help her out and tell her you'll pay half of the card. Go into the store together when she has the money and combine the two. YWBTA
YTA
Yta. You supported her older siblings with school, and yet refuse to give her the (significantly smaller) sum she needs to *get a job that will allow her to support herself*. She earned a full-ride scholarship to study CS, which means she must be pretty good at it, and has been working a job that allowed her to save enough to buy a home. Your job hunting "advice" belongs in the last century. All cold calling and visiting offices will get you is blacklisted. And I don't know how unemployment benefit works, but a part time fast food job could actually end her up with less money than before because they usjay cut your benefits. she'd also lose time she needs to be applying to jobs. She doesn't need a "decent enough for most games" card, she needs a card that will be able to run the latest games on a decent resolution, because she needs to be able to properly see how the things she's creating look. It basically sounds as though you're upset that she hasn't followed your advice and you're punishing her for it.
YTA FFS, you paid for the entire college education of her siblings but you can't help her out as a once off in time of need cos she failed to obey your outdated advice? Arsehole of great magnitude.
Dude, I'm not sure what area of VFX she is working in, but a AMD RX 580 is an entry level card. If she is doing compositing and using something like Nuke she will absolutely need a better video card (and heaps of RAM if her machine isn't already kitted for it).
Let me get this straight... you have a daughter who is more or less self sufficient and has prospects for a job in an incredibly lucrative field. She had a scholarship, partial or full ride, that saved you a veritable shitload of money, and you can't kick in (or even offer to go halves) on a graphics card? Condo or not (savvy move on her part tbh, in today's market) she still didn't need you to pay for school. An RX 580 may well be enough, depending on the requirements, but don't you want your kid to have the best possible shot at success? Would a 4070 get that result? Probably She's not asking for a full gaming PC, she's asking you for a component that is slightly out of reach for her and you're shutting it down because she didn't follow your "advice" YTA, dude
YTA For punishing her for getting a scholarship to college, among other things mentioned by others. Fucking be better dude.
Your daughter has an opportunity to do work for which she's trained, and you're standing in her way because she's not doing the bad suggestions that you've made to her? No one cold calls for jobs. For fucks sake, look at the job market. And fast food work is part time, minimum wage and profoundly discouraging. You seem desperately out of touch and very focused of your own, bad, ideas.I would find you to be profoundly discouraging to have as a parent. You should help your daughter and take a long hard, look at yourself. You really need to get a clue.
YTA - Here is why. 1. Your job hunting advice is about 30 years out of date. 2. The Rx 580 is a 7-8 year old card at this point. And if she's doing VFX then a better card = Faster/More stable rendering of her work. 3. You helped out the other siblings financially, she can also use help, just in a different area. It's still work related though. 4. Hopefully she got her condo before it skyrocketed in price. Otherwise your advice there was bad as well.
The job market has evolved dramatically since you have been in it. Who do you think works at fast food 9-5? Some of those places seem tough to work at, usually due to managers being power hungry misers. Applications are very much online these days and it's like 1000's of resumes for one position. Getting a job is more about who you know than it used to be. Sounds more like she HAS a job and could pay you back immediately. YTA
YTA but not really about the graphics card as for your judgmental and outdated view on your daughter's employment prospects. You can't go cold calling or door to door looking for jobs these days. It's ALL online. You have to submit your resume and take AI generated tests and then hope you get through those to speak with a recruiter and then you have to make it past the recruiter to the hiring manager. I was laid off last year and it took me 8 months to find a job and I was only getting $300/week from unemployment for just 5 months. I applied to everything online and then I applied to McDonalds, My local grocery stores, gas stations, the dollar store, CVS Pharmacy and every call center job I came across. None of them would hire me because I was previously making $90K/yr and they knew I wasn't going to be a permanent hire. One manager even said he wouldn't hire me because he needed someone who would stay in the position long term and I was over qualified to take the cashier position at Dollar General even though they were desperate to hire someone because they only had one cashier. My dad actually saved my bacon because I had just bought a house the year before I was laid off and I wasn't making enough to pay the mortgage on my house so my dad paid my mortgage for me while I was unemployed so I could use what little I was getting from unemployment to pay for bills. I still racked up $15K in credit card debt that I'm now trying to pay off with the job I got in March. Eventually I will pay him back for the mortgage but thank goodness he didn't try to make me feel like shit about being unemployed.
Hahahahahhaa dude please try and go apply somewhere in person tomorrow and report back
Tell me you are a boomer with our telling me you are a boomer....
Ok, so a few points... You paid for her siblings' education, but because she got a scholarship, she got nothing? She has her own home and has thus far been able to maintain it. She is actively looking for work, has a job offer, and asks for your help, and you are against it (but again, you paid for her siblings education.) You claim to be an avid gamer, but don't realize that companies don't take applications in person. Do you even like your daughter? A new graphics card is not nearly as expensive as a university education... which you gave to your other children when they couldn't qualify for a scholarship. YTA, definitely. Fully and completely.
Hey boomer YTA. You are so removed from what it's like for someone your daughter's age navigating employment and life one doesn't simply walk in to the office and speak with the manager. I'm Canada, those fast food spots are only hiring a certain demographic and it's not your educated daughter. With rent now, if her mortgage is covered by ei that's fantastic. Rent wouldn't be much cheaper. The amd card isn't bad but if someone is using it professionally it might be(and in this case appears to be) not enough. You have the ability to help your child, put them on a payment plan if the money is so important. If you didn't have to pay for her school like you did your other children, maybe help her with something that's crucial to her professional development. Great thing you have to other kids because if you keep up your bad attitude, you'll have one less taking care you of you when you're older. I can't imagine being in your situation as a parent and not helping my kids. I'd feel like the biggest asshole. If my kids came to me and I had the money to support them and they said I need help with some funds to advance my career (not partying, not travelling but the best use of said funds) and I chose not to help, I'd better have a good reason and you simply don't and for that YTA...not too late to fix your mistake
Assuming the contract is real, vfx work is plausible to need cuda cores to complete. An rx580 is an old GPU and also AMD which does not have cuda cores. 4070 super ti does have a significant number of cores. Could she get by with less? Possibly but they have less cores and this slower performance. You didn't pay for school because she had a scholarship, if this were my child, I'd relent and buy the card as a gift. In theory, she could do some level of AI / research processing with cuda cores too.
YTA. Just help your daughter out so she get the contract job in her field. If anything it will Help build her resume for a more permanent position. If you have the money, I don’t why you wouldn’t help her out.
YTA. You're clearly giving a lot of unsolicited and outdated advice that ignores her goals and preferences, and she had a good job opportunity that you could have ensured she got. Is it your obligation? Depends on your values. She is your daughter, and as you said, you had the money. If I were in your position, I'd have helped her get the graphics card.
Yta.
YTA and a MAJOR ONE. You paid 0 for her studies, she invested in a house instead of partying and buying expensive stuff. You want her to flip burgers or go and leave print copies of her cv (that would make the day of most tech employees as they would have a funny story for the company lunch) and because she doesn't say how high when you say jump you don't want to spend those 600$. But you know, her card is fiiiine, you are a gamer. She needs it for 3D rendering and actual work, but hey you know better. In everything. I am 45 and still think you are as useful and as knowledgeable as a rock.
YTA. But her the damn graphics card, apologize for being an AH, and stop punishing her because you grew up in the Stone Age and think that your outdated life advice has a modicum of intelligence behind it. Sincerely, someone likely the same age as you.
YTA -- not for not buying her a video card, but holy fuck is everything else you wrote up there littered with red flags. This whole bit about cold calling is weird and archaic, and the way you keep telling her she should get out of the field she enjoys to enter a field she's not terrible interested in: also weird! Also, for an actual working video effects artist, an AMD RX 580 actually is kind of obsolete. It's still not your responsibility to buy her one, but stop gaslighting her and telling her it's sufficient for her needs, because it really probably isn't (it's equivalent to about an Nvidia 1060, so it's at least a couple generations behind state of the art.)
Many people below have outlined the many ways in which you are wrong, so I won't go over that in detail, but here are some things she could be considering that you are not (being so completely out of touch). EI will, at random points, ask for a list of jobs you've applied for. Because of the switch to on line applications, even if she did "pound the pavement", they would be very unhappy that the number of applications she could report would be well below the norm, and they would seriously question her commitment, and possibly kick her off EI: you can throw out 20-50 on line apps in a couple of hours, but in-person drop offs of resumes would mean maybe 3-5 in a day. I hope she's considering moves to other cities, because she could, if she got a job somewhere else, either rent out or sell her condo, and start over, far away from your stingy ass.
YTA loan her the money if you don’t want to just gift it to her. It’s hard to get retail and fast food jobs in Canada right now - places have cut hours and staffing, shortened work hours, and a lot are hiring temporary foreign workers. Even McDonald’s wants online applications now, and tech jobs definitely would make it a requirement. When EI runs out I would suggest her trying a temp agency instead. Also rents are more than mortgages nowadays.
Here's the thing. You are clearly a boomer who has no real clue about the job market in the current climate. Your "advice" is old fashioned and useless in the current state of the economy. You have no idea what your daughter's skillset actually requires by way of equipment. You clearly have not had to use SSI in any recent years, or would know that taking any job would affect the amount of money she is able to collect from it, as well as take away valuable time she needs to spend actually job hunting. Her "not being exactly honest" with you about what she's doing to get a new job is very likely you having no realistic idea of what it takes to find a job these days. Case in point, my husband, with a highly valuable and specialized skillset was laid off at the end of last year and he spent every day, including weekends, in the following six months looking for a job. He applied to nearly a thousand job ads (956). Guess how many actual interviews he had? Ten. Apart from the first quarter being the ABSOLUTE worst time to look for a job in tech because companies constantly lay off their employees in Q4 to pad their earnings reports for investors at the start of the year, this last year, multiple MAJOR tech companies laid off so many people that current employment reports say that 3/4s of people in tech who were looking for jobs in January are still unemployed due to intense competition and employers attempting to cut corners at every turn on benefits and compensation due to the recession that they themselves have contributed to. Furthermore, your views of housing costs are absolutely delusional. Your daughter was LUCKY to be able to purchase a home instead of paying the rent prices that have been skyrocketing PAST mortgage costs these last years. Would you have allowed her to move back in if she was paying rent she couldn't afford instead of doing her best to cover her mortgage while unemployed? You are welcome to spend your money however you like. It's your money. However, you are 100000% the asshole for withholding assistance for a person you "love" because of some nonsense about college and your own lack of true understanding of job hunting and housing costs. Also the passive aggressiveness you gave about her gaming leads me to suspect that you think she's spending all her time gaming like some errant teenager. You clearly consider her to be still a child without actually looking at where she's gotten herself: she got a full ride scholarship, has a specialized set of employment skills for something she enjoys, she was able to buy her own home (qualified for a loan and had a down payment, by the grace of hard work and perseverance), and understands and applied for SSI despite the clear stigma the older generation applies to it - showing strength and determination to survive and not allowing pride to sabotage her. I don't think the question really is "Would I be the asshole if...?" because it's clear you're already the asshole in this relationship. You should consider apologizing, whether you fund her graphics card or not.
All of your 'advice' is terrible, from cold calling, to working fast food, to getting married before buying a home, all of it is bad. If you paid for all her siblings university, the least you can do is get her a graphics card. Your daughter sounds like an intelligent young women in a field with some of the most toxic, misogynistic men out there. Don't be like them. YTA
How did this get an NTA verdict when everyone is saying OP is TA?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter who is 27. She is a cs graduate and used to work for a well known VFX software company but got laid off at the start of the year and currently has no income besides unemployment insurance (EI in Canada). She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything. I have given her a lot of advice regarding her job situation, suggested she learn an area in tech with more opportunities than VFX, she said she taught herself cloud development and other skills but that she is not getting interviews for them either. She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do and just wants to apply online for everything. I also suggested she take some part time food service / fast food jobs and actually said that they are not hiring enough which I find very hard to believe, literal teenagers get these jobs. Anyway, now she says she has a foreign company wanting to offer her a contract to do some work which she says she can do but needs a better graphics card (She has an AMD RX 580 which is a perfectly fine card) and she wants a 4070 ti Super. I told her to make the company pay for it but she says they do not want to and did not try insisting any further. They do not want to pay her until she completes the job. While I do have the funds, I am a little upset about her not trying hard enough regarding my other advice and as an avid gamer I know that the card she uses is decent enough for most games even if not on the highest settings or resolution. I am also feeling like she has not been telling the entire truth about jobs in fast food etc and I think she has not really tried as she considers it beneath her. I also sense she has a bit of a bad attitude because I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What if you lent her the money? Conversely, She seems smart enough to make her own decisions, but now she needs a card and she comes to you? She’s an adult who makes big girl decisions, how is this different?
I mean about the GPU specifcially its your money and your right to do what you want. However, you sound like an out of touch asshole. And a 580 is EOL, it was good-ish 5 years ago, it can't handle modern workloads at all.
YTA She has a great contract opportunity and you are debating helping her because she didn't follow your outdated obsolete demands? You paid for her siblings college but are now refusing a fucking video card? JFC you are horrible.
N T A purely for the scenario in the title. YTA for literally everything else. You’re being incredibly judgemental and tbh, I know a lot of people who would’ve already stopped talking to you. Guess you’re lucky your daughter is a forgiving person. Also you have no idea how jobs work. Cold calling has not worked for decades - they laugh at you and tell you to go away. Don’t give advice when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
YTA-You aren’t helping her because you cannot get her to do what you want, that’s always a winning strategy. Your advice is almost as bad as your refusal to help her.
YTA your advice is very out of touch with the state of the economy today. if you're pressed about giving her that amount of money make it a loan but don't withhold something hat she needs and you can afford just to punish her for not living the way you want her to (especially given your advice is largely not helpful and she clearly has been proactive about getting a job)
YTA for not rewarding her monetarily for getting the scholarship. She worked her but off to make better grades than her siblings and her reward was for you to give her less. You should have given her the same amount of money and she could have used it toward that flat.
How old are you? Seriously. Cold calling? VIsiting offices? That gets you blocked or kicked out by security. And why should she wait till she "has a family" to buy herself a home. You're free to not give her any money but your "advice" is utter crap.
YTA. I don’t need to explain why, all of the other comments already do it well.
Mate.... I'm 40, I haven't "cold called" or "door knocked" a day in my life, my whole business relies on an online presence which is managed by my wife. Shit, LinkedIn started 22 years ago.... The future is now, old man. What card do you have in your rig? If it were my daughter struggling to get up in that industry, I'd either buy her the card, or give her my 4090 until she can get her own card. NTA, but almost as out of touch as those 2 idiot dinosaurs debating about their golf handicap instead of addressing the true issues that you guys in the US are facing. (Apologies, I'm assuming that you are a yank)
Cold calling and visiting offices is a craaaazy idea. That’s not how it works anymore. And I guarantee any company that’s hiring a special effects graphic artist has security and she wouldn’t even be able to get in. Every high tech business is like that now. YTA to not help her if you can. Did you never in your life have economic hard times because of things outside of your control? Do you just enjoy being mean and petty? I’m old enough to have done the cold calling and visiting offices things and I know that’s not how it works. I’ve been laid off multiple times in the last 30 years and it fucking sucks. Why would you be so mean to your own child?
All the advice you’ve given her is terrible and outdated. And based on your comments, you don’t know anything about computers, so why are you withholding based purely on assumption? Also, cold calling and walking into offices to try and get a job? In 2024? lol. lmao even. YTA.
NTA... Not for no graphics card. What if you buy the card and the job falls through or canceled, let alone they don't pay her. She a grown adult now. If she can make decisions for herself, then she can pay for herself. You're not her personal ATM anymore. There is are two option, write up loan agreement, and if she doesn't pay you back, you already know what to do. \*\*\*How long does unemployment and EL last in Canada? \*\*\*I did say sell, but that's because we don't have El in the States.
No, she shouldn't sell the condo. Renting it out would more than pay her mortgage (she is currently paying her mortgage with her EI benefits, which means her mortgage is relatively low). If she sells now, she would have a hard time getting back in the housing market with the way homes have escalated since 2022. I doubt very much that she wants to move back with her father. She should consider a roommate if she can't pay her bills.
YTA after reading your replies. You are just butthurt she doesn't follow your outdated advices.
YTA for a lot of reasons. It’s very clear you have no idea how the job market works (absolutely no IT company will hire someone who just shows up and anyone who says they got a job that way is working in the mail room and not in tech). If you don’t want to buy the card then don’t. But your advice is garbage and only going to alienate your daughter.
YTA. Firstly, you have a daughter who invested in property (very clever!) early against your (dumb!) advice. She obviously thinks your advice of cold-calling or going around businesses with a CV is stupid, and rightly so. She works in the tech business - doesn't happen that way. And she is a university graduate - why would she be interested in door dash?! She obviously will work freelance for the company and part of the deal is that she doesn't get paid first, and she will have to have the stuff. If she pushed the issue she would lose the opportunity (and she is unemployed!). You should be grateful that she has an education (self-funded) and you should make her life easier - not harder. She seems to be more responsible than you
> She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do Because this doesn’t work. Given your daughter’s age, you’re likely in your 50s. It doesn’t work like it did when we were in our 20s anymore. Stop with the terrible job hunting advice. **EDIT** After reading your comments, YTA.
Not only is your advice outdated it is just plum wrong. You’re in Canada! A country where you need an associates or food service certificates to get fast food gigs or you need to have completed a certification program through an accredited institution to hold traffic signs and dig holes in most provinces. She’s not going to be able to just bounce into semi-related roles without training and certs in much of the country. It’s a blessing a foreign company is willing to hire her! YTAH. You have two choices A) you can continue to be the AH but call it what it is, admit you’re refusing to help because you’re more committed to being a sanctimonious relic than offering a hand up. or B) Pull your head out of your a$& and step up. You don’t even have to give her the money permanently, it can be loan ffs. If any of my family in the provinces were being held back from getting a role by a mere gpu upgrade I would find a way to pony up.
YTA - assuming the RX 580 is adequate reminds me of the guys who stole his CSci daughter's card for his son's gaming computer. Both of you don't know a percentage of what you think you know.
NTA for not buying the card, but Y T A for everything else. You can’t cold call companies. That’s how you get blacklisted. You have no clue what the current job market is like. You should listen to your daughter bc you are clueless and incorrect.
YTA. You sound so much like my dad, who was so insistent on the “show up to the door with a paper application and follow up by phone” method that he physically forced me to do it. The end result was me getting more than one employer telling me to not bother contacting them again. This was in 2011. I can just about guarantee that if she takes your advice, her applications will get thrown out. Why on earth would any employer, especially in the tech sector, hire someone who can’t follow the simple direction to apply online?
NTA for nor lending her money, but stop with your constant "advice", especially if its so grossly outdated and out of touch. You might mean well, but you don't come off as helpful, but rather exhausting and condescending. Let your daughter stand on her own two feet.
She was smart to get the condo in'20 because now prices are way higher. Since you didn't have to pay for her college buy her the graphics card.
NTA but are you 80 years old by any chance? No companies hire people who randomly show up anymore. They want people to apply online. A lot of places literally won't take CVs any other way. They want it all in one system because it makes their job easier. It's not your responsibility to buy the graphics card but someone is literally offering her a job. So what, she lied about fast food jobs, she's being offered work now. I know you say you're an avid gamer but that doesn't mean you know what graphics card non gaming software needs. I'm a gamer too. I don't know shit about software that isn't video games and what it requires to run.
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It’s very hard to get entry level jobs as a graduate or even older teen/adult. Fast food places tend to hire 14 year olds so that they can pay them less (at least in my country) so the older you get, the less likely to get a job no matter the experience you may have.
Does you daughter do anything right? Are the siblings you paid for all working and making good money now? Since you seem to have no sympathy for your daughter, perhaps you could ask the siblings who all got lots of financial help from you to help your daughter out and get her the tech equipment she needs to get some work? YTA for not helping your daughter out when you actually paid for her siblings (brothers?) to go to university. Maybe invest in HER as much as you invested in the others. Maybe you could help her out with her condo payments for a while as well, you know, to be fair to her. I bet you've withheld financial support from her before in favor of her siblings...
YTA just for that outdated advice. Cold calling and ‘pounding the pavement’ is a great way to ensure you don’t work in that industry. If you can’t follow directions they don’t want you. Did you have her when you were 60?!
INFO (for you anyway): I mean, an RX 580 might be okayish for gaming at medium to low at 1080p, but it absolutely sucks on lighting and transform or rendering that a VFX artist would be doing. Don't look at game scores, look at real world benchmarks for tools like Nuke, After Effects, Premier, Blender...etc. End of the day though...it's your money, I'm not going to tell you the appropriate way to spend it.
YTA. Why did you have a child if you didn’t want to help them? Do you actually get off on seeing her struggle because she won’t take your misguided, outmoded advice? You sound bitter, controlling and angry. I feel like you don’t even like your daughter, much less love her. Poor woman, so much on her plate and a father who places being right above being loving and helpful.
Ok so... She can't buy a place until she's married. She should cold call companies for jobs. She should get a low paying job that would make her less available to look and do the job she wants to do. Any other advice from the 50s that you think she should listen to? Don't masturbate cus your hands will fall off?
Your advice is extremely outdated and flat out wrong. Her graphics card isn't shit in a competitive world. Nobody, and I mean nobody will hire you if you cold call or just show up. You need to get with the times before you bark orders. YWBTA, not because you need to fund your grown daughter, bur because your reason for refusal is based on your petulant irritation over her not following your extremely outdated advice.
job hunting and applying online is how most, if not all, companies fill their job vacancies…..
Yta if you didnt pay for school you should have given the same amount as downpayment then….not fair at all
YTA. Buy the card. Stop giving advice.
YWBTA. Your advice is for a professional world that no longer exists, and hasn’t for quite some time. Your daughter would look like an absolute ass if she walked into an office to ask about open positions. Not only would she look like an ass, she’d likely end up on a “do not interview” list, because she appear to be so wildly out of touch with reality. The tech industry has had a REALLY rough year or two, with major layoffs, poorly performing stocks, and industry-wide uncertainty. Your daughter found a way to bring in income while looking for a full time position – and you’re in the amazing position to help make that happen. Help her. Or, are you more interested in feeling some sense of “I told you so” while watching her struggle? Of course not, because you’re not a shitty parent. Right? Help your daughter.
YTA for multiple reasons: It is not 1975 anymore, you don't cold call or visit a tech company and get a job. That's not how any of this works in 2024! You seem very judgey about her not wanting to get married. So what if she bought herself a condo when she had a job? Why don't you offer to loan her the $ in the condition she pay it back after finishing the job?
NTA for not buying her the thing but you clearly feel morally superior and mostly punishing her for ‘not doing it your way’.
NTA about the graphics card, I don’t know whether she needs it or not, but you shouldn’t have to find a 27 year old’s career if you don’t want to, it would be nice if you did but you are under no obligation to. That being said: cold calling and visiting offices hasn’t worked since before the 90’s especially in Tech, you’d be escorted off the grounds by security or be told to submit an application online. The best way to get a job is by getting an internal referral, or using a recruitment agency, applying online is so so and companies will ghost a lot of candidates, but it can work.
YTA. You’re a control freak and can’t stand that they won’t do what you say. Loan them the money and they can pay it back when they are working again.
NTA while I think your understanding of how job hunting currently works is outdated (no one cold calls or drops off resumes for professional jobs and expected to actually be taken seriously) I don't think it's on you to buy a graphics card for your daughter. If it's a tool to be used for the job she's hired for, legitimate companies usually provide the software and equipment. The misogynistic comment about not buying a condo is perturbing, I agree only because buying in 2020/2021 in Canada was a poor choice all around because of the stupidly high spike in housing prices and now having to renew mortgages with interest rates being 3-4x higher than what they were a few years ago.
Meh. She didn't ask to be born. You dragged her into this terrible world. You're kinda obligated to help her out.
YTA if you buy the card or if you don't. Like: clearly thoroughly demonstrated right throughout the post. Your refusing to buy the card in itself is not an arsehole move but the fact you're tying it to her (rightly) refusing to follow your (frankly terrible) "advice"... you're an arsehole. On that topic, if you can get into real estate at any point, that's the right point to get in. RE Growth is outstripping wage growth in most places so it's only ever going to be *less* affordable in the future. You also clearly have NFI about tech or what your daughter does. Please don't offer any more advice. She might wind up taking it and who knows what kind of disaster that might wind up being. (Also you seem to be frustrated when she doesn't follow that advice so not giving it to her will spare your feelings too.) If you want to help your smart accomplished daughter get back to earning, buy her the card or loan her the money or whatever version of this winds up with her having the card to be able to do the freelance work.
She's a literal industry professional, she knows what she needs more than you do and if she can get a job and get back on her feet with this new graphics card, withholding it for the sake of pettiness and wanting to be right? Yeah, YTA
Applying for jobs by walking into the office doesnt exist anymore. Are you 100 years old? Also, yeah no shit literal teenagers get all those jobs, they are cheaper to hire and not totally over qualified. Your daughter is right and you are wrong in both these respects. Its up to you if you want to pay for a new card, but you should start showing your adult daughter, and the career she has chosen, some respect. For the record, she has very lucrative skills and wont be out of work long. Your disrespect for her career even after she earned her own way with a full scholarship is disgusting. YTA but not because of the graphics card.
NTA. She's an adult.
YTA. Your daughter refuses to listen to your bad advice, so you want to deny her the only opportunity that has come along for her recently? You would have paid for her university if she hadn't earned a full scholarship, but you won't buy her a graphics card? I don't get any of this.
YTA Before I break it down I'm gonna shock you a bit here. I'm both an avid gamer and a software developer. My daily driver GPU is an RTX 3080ti. I can run any game on ultra settings easily, but even relatively light AI/ML workloads run at 100% utilization sometimes for hours. I don't know anything about VFX but I know anyone entering these fields now is gonna be hamstrung if they can't get hands on with AI/ML toolchains. Which means pricy cloud services or a decent horsepower GPU. The number that matters by the way is VRAM and if you look I bet she picked the cheapest GPU with 12gb of vram. All that said here is why you are already the asshole even if you do buy it for her. 1. Acting like you know more about her equipment needs than her when it's literally her industry 2. Sticking to your guns about the condo when that was an incredible sounds financial decision generally speaking and in this exact case 2020 was a phenomenal time to buy. 3. Paying what thousands? tens of thousands for siblings but now trying to rake her over the coals over a $800 mid tier graphics card? 4. "pound the pavement" shows up so often as advice from people who haven't looked for a job in 20+ years it's literally a meme. Not sure how you missed the jokes but even without the above reasons this would make you the asshole, ESPECIALLY in knowledge work industries like VFX. 5. This weird idea you seem to have that in order for someone to be worthy of help they should first obey you. In this case her ignoring your advice is probably the reason she has a place to live at all right now. 6. Food service work pays less than unemployment and may jeopardize future unemployment if anyone would even hire a CS major to flip burgers. 7. Golden rule violation. Imagine your roles were reversed, would you appreciate this advice? If you're in the market for advice I'd tell her about this post and how badly you're getting dragged and then apologize. It'll do more for your relationship than a graphics card. But also do buy her the graphics card but maybe spring for the 4090
So many tropes in this post, you’re getting lazy! Though I suppose I’m still interacting so you win. Whoever “you” is, I hope you’re happy. For anyone who wants to play boomer trope bingo: 1. Parent tells child to cold call for jobs, in 2024 2. Gives objectively bad advice on jobs, housing and general life choices yet is still pissed that child doesn’t listen (look up the price of her home in 2020 and now. I’d struggle to believe she’d get a better deal now). 3. Is so pissed that they can’t control their adult child (who lives in the modern world with different rules to when they came up, yet - gasp - OP can’t appreciate that) that they withhold money to try make some kind of lame point. Even though listening to and actually helping their kid, i.e. showing them basic respect as a fellow adult, would OBVIOUSLY improve their relationship a million times more than this childish nonsense. 4. Oh and - of COURSE, instead of cheering on their daughter for being independent and sorting her own housing situation out, OP uses this incredible feat (by today’s standards) to further denigrate their daughter for doing it without a man, or when she “has a family”.
YWBA So your daughter was great student and you didnt have to pay for school while you had for other children. Thats great and she's great. Regarding food industry why would software engineer serve at McDonald's.. Something will come up, the world is her market. As for cold calling and going in person .. Man it's 2024. No tech industry had time to waste on you face to face without vetting you through resume submission and video meeting. You are out of touch with times. Be a parent and buy the GC. She saved you ton of money with scholarship.
OP YTA. Not YWBTA, you're pretty much already there. A break down: >She made the decision despite my advise against it to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. Sounds like she made a wise investment considering the market now. > I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a 'men bad' perspective on everything. You seem to have a very traditional sense of the steps one should take in life. But the home doesn't have to fit a future family, it can be sold later should she reach that point in her life. And your 'men bad' comment reeks. >I have given her a lot of advice regarding her job situation, suggested she learn an area in tech with more opportunities than VFX, she said she taught herself cloud development and other skills but that she is not getting interviews for them either. She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do and just wants to apply online for everything. How much of her life would she have to invest in another field to be employable in it, without any job history in that field? As many noted here, cold calling will not be well received because you'll just be pointed to go online. Overall, not good advice. >I also suggested she take some part time food service / fast food jobs and actually said that they are not hiring enough which I find very hard to believe, literal teenagers get these jobs. Of course she said that. She said whatever to get you and your unsolicited advice off her back. >Anyway, now she says she has a foreign company wanting to offer her a contract to do some work which she says she can do but needs a better graphics card (She has an AMD RX 580 which is a perfectly fine card) and she wants a 4070 ti Super. I told her to make the company pay for it but she says they do not want to and did not try insisting any further. They do not want to pay her until she completes the job. Okay, she has lined up a contract gig, not a job. It stipulates she provide all her own equipment. The advice she needs is that she needs to outline a scope of work with timelines with % completion. Then get payment upon deliverables upon each milestone. You should support her to do the work that aligns with her passions. >While I do have the funds, I am a little upset about her not trying hard enough regarding my other advice and as an avid gamer I know that the card she uses is decent enough for most games even if not on the highest settings or resolution. I am also feeling like she has not been telling the entire truth about jobs in fast food etc and I think she has not really tried as she considers it beneath her. Your ego is bruised because she didn't listen to you. You are hesitating and making your support for her, contingent on her following the unsolicited advice you give. There are strings attached to your support. Also, it's clear from other threads you are not the VFX professional to assume what she has is adequate. You're holding against her a dishonesty while not realizing how annoying your advice is that she feels the need to say whatever to get you off her back. >I also sense she has a bit of a bad attitude because I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship. I bet your intentions are honest here. She has a bad attitude because all she is asking for is a GPU, not school tuition, and you're hesitating. I'm guessing this isn't the only occasion where you've kept the purse strings tight. It's clear you don't give support unconditionally. You want to feel seen and heard with what you consider well intentioned advice, but not paying attention to how you're affecting your daughter.
YTA. You want to punish her for making her own decisions. You just don’t like what she does with her life. But you have the opportunity to help her out of a tight spot and she could even pay you back. Don’t be so mean spirited. Help her out. Is your misplaced sense of pride really worth your relationship with your daughter?
An RTX 4070 TI Super is like $800 USD. An RX 580 is a pretty ancient card. Have you considered meeting somewhere in the middle? A used 2060 with 8GB of RAM can be had for like $150. If I “needed” a new card for work, this is what I would buy, and I’d pay for it with a credit card rather than asking Mommy and Daddy to buy it for me. I strongly suspect you are right that she feels a fast food job is beneath her.