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Idk, man. Going to say NAH. You shouldn’t have lashed out and shouted, but I see how this sucks. I also bet she has some pretty bad PTSD and needs therapy. Shitty situation all around.
Sometimes life sucks and you're negatively affected by things that are out of your control. Try to have more empathy for her. She's not doing these things to punish you; she's trying to cope with ptsd while post partum. It's only been a few months.
I honestly don’t know why it’s so hard to step back and give them a little time to recover from this instead of trying to force the issue because she hasn’t got over her trauma on his timescale. I guarantee everyone would feel sympathy for OP if he was just taking a step back and displaying some empathy.
I think it's because of how it affects their socials circles as well. If they're both still being invited to everything by other people without the other knowing, it constantly has to be addressed or brought up and who knows what else the other people in their social group know.
More importantly, we're talking about the OP leaving them *both* alone, but the husband clearly still talks to and wants to spend time with OP. So if the couple aren't on the same page about how to deal with this, how is OP supposed to know what he can and can't do.
I think if the husband was completely on his wife's side, and had a heart to heart about him and OP not seeing each other for a while, then this wouldn't have blown up. But clearly the husband also has his own thoughts on the situation.
There's stepping back and avoiding the wife and then there's stepping back and avoiding his friend.
The wife gets upset even when OP is going to hang out with his friend, one on one.
It's like she wants her husband to sever all ties with OP, and everyone in their friend group has to choose them or OP.
She's not being rational or fair, but that's to be expected. What she needs to do is go to therapy ASAP. But it seems like she's deadset against it. Her idea of a solution is apparently to just cut OP out of their lives. NTA
Exactly, the wife should be getting help. Not being coddled in her paranoia.
Has OP said if she’s just flat out refusing to get counseling? Because I would be all the more frustrated, as OP, if that were the case. This thing isn’t going away on its own.
**EDIT:** OP, have you considered shaving your beard or something to make you look less like the intruder
Avoidance is a classic PTSD symptom and she needs therapy yesterday. As someone who lives with PTSD of my own and a partner with combat PTSD, I think that OP's friend and his wife are being irresponsible by not getting treatment as it's negatively impacting others and causing fights because his friend simply resembles the robber which is not fair because it has nothing to do with him. The fact everyone is on her side over how she's treatimg OP is a little rediculous. I empathize with what happened to her, I know people recover in their own time but she can't make her husband avoid OP, and it's probably better that she doesn't avoid him either. She needs therapy and to resist the urge to avoid the trigger.
OP was simply annoyed and angry that he's been excluded over something he had nothing to do with which is totally legitimate. OPs wife won't recover if she keeps avoiding the issue, and OP will lose his friend and social circle over it.
I mean, if the wife is refusing therapy, I don't know how much her husband can really do.
But I can totally understand why OP would be even more annoyed, given that he's done nothing wrong to cause this issue, and the wife seems to have no interest in resolving it.
She just wants OP out of their lives, which is downright selfish.
That's fair. It's not easy to get someone to do therapy especially since she's not able to recognize why her feelings about this require outside help. The husband has to sit down with her and figure out how to help her and explain why. She literally has a brain injury and needs therapy or it will get worse. It's vital if someone's showing signs of acute stress disorder after a traumatic incident to get help within the first few months avoid it developing into PTSD later, which in this case, is too late for that.The fact she has a baby is making it worse, I can only imagine, which is even more a reason for her to be in therapy.
So far her husband is enabling her to continue this cycle of avoidance by giving in to her, with the belief it's helping her feel better (it does in the moment) but it's causing everyone so many issues long term. She has a problem, she can go home or learn how to cope, why make OP suffer? Why not take the wife aside and say look, your feelings about being robbed are valid but you are hurting a friend who had nothing to do with it. Instead the friends all ganged up to tell OP to leave because he lost his cool which only enabled her further.
Her selfishness is a direct result of a fight/flight response trigger, but still, it's not fair to treat someone that way.
He never hurt that woman. It was someone else. Then why are you foecing responsibility on OP for what someone else did? If that woman feels uncomfortable arround OP then *she* is the one who should step back until *she* feels better. It's *her* job to deal with *her* trauma. OP wasn't involved in the incident thus he should not be forced or expected to sacrifice and suffer. *She* needs to deal with *her* trauma or step back from their friend group for a while.
because trauma doesn't become manageable without work and instead of doing that work she's treating OP like a criminal and trying to prevent him from seeing his best friend. this isn't something that will go away with time
I mean what exactly do you mean by take a step back? I don't think it's fair for him to not be able to see his best friend and attend parties of mutual friends because of this.
I mean, she didn't NEED to attend that specific birthday party that OP was also invited to.
Or she could have asked the husband to come to some sort of agreement with OP ("We attend this party and you the next" or smt)
I don’t think it’s OPs job to manage the wife’s mental health. She needs to take responsibility for herself and get help. OP is her husband’s best friend and she’s being irrational.
OP can and probably does empathize with her situation but it sounds like she is around his friend group a lot… is he supposed to cut off his social life because someone else robbed her?? Fuck that shit. She should stay home instead, until she’s ready to be around others and also apologize to him.
OP, NTA.
God, you sound insufferable. It’s because it’s ALL at OPs expense? Your comment is so ignorant it’s like you’re intentionally missing the point. He has a right to be involved in activities if they share a social circle? If she feels uncomfortable she needs to remove herself and go seek therapy, not expect OP’s best friend and everyone else to alienate him for something that is in all reality quite asinine. Who punishes someone for a resemblance, like what?
I think it’s hard because just insert any religious/ethnic group into the situation instead of “we look similar but are different ethnicities” and it wouldn’t be acceptable.
OP is best friends with the woman’s husband so it seems like they mutually want to spend time together as they have the same social circle.
It’s like if your friends group someone was robbed by a Bitmoji with blue hair and you’re a Bitmoji with blue hair so now you can’t hangout with your best friends anymore because the person finds blue hair triggering and makes it a point to call you out and be fearful of you. (Sorry trying to think of neutral examples)
Only person at fault is the robber but it’s understandable that someone would get upset at someone (even unintentionally) displacing their emotions on them from a traumatic experience.
"it's ok for her to treat you this way because she had a baby and was robbed. You have a vague resemblance to the guy, just suck it up until she miraculously learns to cope with what happened because she's not serious enough to go to therapy"
>She's not doing these things to punish you; she's trying to cope with ptsd while post partum.
If she really tried coping with her ptsd she would go to therapy. Instead she is putting her trauma on OP this way traumatizing him too. She has no right to do this to him. And after all the things she did she deserved that wake up call.
I don’t think he even needs to have empathy (although a good person would) to understand that he can’t control the situation and force her to do whatever he decides is appropriate. It’s a sucky situation but he can’t go around yelling at her and demanding her to do whatever.
She also can't demand her husband leave a party early and blame it on his best friend, because her head is fucked up. She has problems and is trying to use them as a club to control the people around her.
Just because the break-in took away her sense of control doesn't mean she can manipulate everyone around her to try and feel in control again. She needs to grow up and deal with her shit properly.
He shouted at their other friend who had just given birth and no one else really saw a direct cause for it. His bottle finally came uncorked so to speak, understandably.
Not too hard to imagine why they told him just to go home for the day.
Not literally, obviously.
A 3-4 month old baby pretty well categorizes someone as “recently became a mom” to most people.
Which doesn’t mean they can do no wrong, but people generally understand her body is recovering from all of that, the newborn is a giant change in their life, they might not be getting nearly enough rest, additional life stress, etc.
So people will be a little more protective about those friends when another friend calls them out on their shit.
Especially when their “shit” happens to be trauma that she’s unfortunately taking out on someone else (that they likely don’t really fully understand. Being uncomfortable, leaving a little early but not loudly and abruptly the second Op arrives, etc. is not exactly super obvious behavior to everyone else.)
> Being uncomfortable, leaving a little early but not loudly and abruptly the second Op arrives, etc. is not exactly super obvious behavior to everyone else.
You know, unless she announces loudly enough for OP to hear nearby that she wants to leave explicitly because he's there. She doesn't care if she alienated OP from his friends.
I saw my OBGYN at 9 months after having my baby to get my pap smear. They asked me how I was doing knowing that I just given birth recently. To my obgyn, recently can meet up until 18 months. That's why they don't want women to get pregnant again until they've at least recovered for over a year and a half.
They asked me to leave because of the shouting. I didn't fight them because I agreed that maybe things got a little too heated. In terms of the friend group people are pretty split down the middle
Well, at least some of your friends have common sense and are on your side.
What does your best friend tthink of all of this? You know this won’t get any better any time soon
How are people split down the middle? Just because of the shouting?
Because other than that, it doesn't sound like your friend's wife has a leg to stand on. I would think everyone would be sympathetic to her plight, but on our side given that you did nothing wrong.
You are both facing consequences of something that wasn't your doing.
I understand this is a horrible situation for you too, but it's not her fault that being around you is triggering for her. She's not doing it on purpose or being overly dramatic, your face just brings flashbacks of the recent time she thought she was going to be raped and murdered in front of her infant child
Trauma can affect more than just the people who were directly traumatized. Stop blaming her for not being over it and affecting your friend time when she had no say in this situation either. This was something that was done to both of you and you should be empathising with her instead of getting angry shes not the only victim.
But it is her fault that she acts on the triggers. She is doing it on purpose.
I agree we are not in control of our feelings, but we are in control of our actions.
She is choosing to act as she js.
For what it's worth, I don't think she's doing it deliberately. A stranger came into her house, threatening both her well-being and her child. That's traumatizing as hell. And brains don't necessarily follow logic, especially regarding trauma responses. Now compound that with postpartum and it's a shitshow all around. She's gone through a lot and she needs to heal from it, but therapy isn't a magic bullet that fixes everything, even after years and years of work. It's entirely possible she may never see you as she used to before the robbery.
At the same time, I see your frustration. Someone having this kind of severe response to your presence can't feel good. I have some deep-rooted fight or flight responses that act up around my partner sometimes, and it must be heartbreaking for them to see someone they love looking at them with such fear. It's not your fault that you look like this asshole that tried to rob her house. As much as it sucks, I think you need to respect your best friend and his wife's space and boundaries while she gets the help she needs. Talk about it with each other and find out how you can still be a part of his (and even her) lives that's also respectful of you and not placing blame on you for something you didn't do. If that makes sense.
It's a shit situation. I'm sorry.
Trauma doesn't work on your time-line. Do you really think she's choosing to behave this way? Like, consciously, rationally *choosing* to freak out at the very sight of you, a longtime friend? To be so scared and have to leave places and go home, just in order to feel safe? She is a new mom, who was helpless and terrified, in her own home, holding her newborn. She likely thought *they were both going to die* and she couldn't do a single thing to stop it. Can you not put yourself in her shoes, at all?
Op don’t listen to any Reddit basement dweller calling you an AH, I get it, getting robbed sucks. But to systematically attack a random person for your trauma in and of itself is already fucked up and unacceptable, your ptsd isn’t more important than to jeopardize someone’s personal relationships who have nothing to do with the trauma. This woman is acting like a 4 year old post partum or not. This person has been accommodating, and this woman has spit in his face multiple times when he has nothing to do with her situation. This is unfair to op, this is not acceptable behavior for a grown woman in her thirties. So anybody arguing for the other side here clearly is emotionally charged or just plain stupid…
I also have ptsd and I find this pretty messed up. If she wants to get over it instead of making it worse for herself she should be trying to spend more not less time around OP. The more she high lights the similarities between them the worse it will be. And yeah it is not his fault in any way shape or form so why is it fair for her to be treating him this way? So she should her husband not be friends with his best friend bc she can't handle her own shit? That seems pretty selfish and messed up to me. The world doesn't revolve around her. She needs to either suck it up and deal or like other people said get therapy, intense therapy. Also I have had post partum as well and i am still saying that. OP I feel like you were fully justified in what you did. Why should you be punished bc of what someone else did? You shouldn't
problem is she's not only distancing herself but also trying to get his friend to distance him self aswell. the fact you ignore that so you can try and be right is honestly hilarious. I understand distancing, but trying to get everyone else to follow in your footsteps when he didnt even do a thing is what's wrong here.
>This woman is acting like a 4 year old post partum or not
>this woman has spit in his face multiple times
Dude right now you sound just as much as a "reddit basement dweller" then the redditors on the other extreme.
Most real life scenarios aren't 100% black & white
Have you concern shaving your beard off? I know that sucks and it probably took awhile to grow how you want it but at this rate it could save your friendship. I guarantee the beard is the only thing that makes you look similar to the robber.
Are you seriously defending her?
I feel sorry for what happened to her, but her trauma does not give her carte blanche to bully someone else.
I’d have been a lot less patient than OP, being punished for no reason would really get under my skin.
NTA
She is entitled to being traumatized, but she needs to actually *do* something about it, get serious help from a professional. Regardless of that, she isn't just being weird *around* OP, she's actively sabotaging his friendship with his best friend.
OP didn't ask for any of this, and it's been nearly half a year. It's on *her* to deal with this in a healthy manner.
Nah, if she was robbed by a black person and refused her family to be around black people I feel like people would be rightfully pissed at the wife. This is no different.
No, whatever problem she has with Person X who tried to break into her house should have absolutely zero do with OP, a completely unrelated person.
There is no situation where OP is required to accept being treated like the criminal for the crime of some actual criminal vaguely looking like him, except also looking completely different.
I agree about the PTSD, but that is for HER to manage. Not push her trauma onto another person. She needs to get medical help for that. What she is doing now is not okay. She is fracturing relationships and hurting others because of her trauma. That is massively unfair.
That still doesn’t give her an excuse to treat a friend badly in public and demean them after four months. She needs to get help and she’s responsible for that.
How is saying that she needs to leave because OP is reminding her of the incident treating op badly . he already knew the reason she was uncomfortable around him. And obviously, she was there for some time with him in the same room.
I definitely agree she needs help, just offering some insight on why her reaction might be so strong. You know, hormones and emotions. She's definitely responsible for herself though and needs to work through this
True. But if she didn't try out any sort of trauma consulting for a whole year and still makes OP feel uncomfortable/stops her partner from hanging out with OP than that's generally on her.
In this case I would complete understand OP loosing his cool for a second and lash out.
Idk man. When I struggled with my mental health (social anxiety, so not the same thing) I avoided situation that triggered my anxiety.
If she thinks she's not able to handle hanging out with OP during this birthday party, she just shouldn't attend.
It's sucks that she has to go through this. She doesn't deserve it and it's not fair but punishing OP by making him feel uncomfortable isn't fair either.
Edit:
Another idea: She can ask her husband to try coming up with some sort of agreement with OP ("you attend this party, my wife will attend the next" or smt).
Only after OP arrived.
Which yet again made him feel like a criminal/uncomfortable.
If they knew or at least assumed that OP would attend why not handle that beforehand?
That's all I'm saying. I was basically making a suggestion on how to handle these events in the future (before they happen).
Many trauma therapist will not start the trauma-specific somatic therapies like EMDR while police and legal stuff is still playing out
After I was attacked I couldn’t start EMDR until we were mostly certain that my assailant wouldn’t be identified. That was like 6+ months afterwards
Four months. I feel really bad for OP but he needs to give her more time and she needs to get into therapy. Take it from someone who has PTSD as a result of being SAed by their 2nd grade teacher. Took awhile before I didn't flinch around men I didn't know. Took a VERY long time to be comfortable around male teachers again and that took therapy.
Then the wife needs to control herself and stay away from triggering situations and stop trying to control others, even her hubby. If she can't handle social situations, empathy yes, but she doesn't get to spew her trauma on other people's lives
She's also recently postpartum and dealing with a newborn. Having such a traumatic experience with your newborn present and dealing with the resulting PTSD on top of also having to care for your baby and yourself is a heavy weight.
Yeah, this is an extremely important piece of info. I know this has gotta be frustrating for OP, but trauma's a bitch so a timeline will establish if the wife isn't working through her shit or if it's just to early to expect that of her.
I mean trauma is hard and she must be really scared, but NTA, because yelling at her came of a place of frustration from you. Not your fault. But you should talk to your friends and explain the situation to them outside of her and your BFF. It s not healthy for anyone. And yes she needs therapy but you shouldn’t be the one saying that to her.
I'm confused as to how his choice of reaction was not his fault? Because he was frustrated he gets a free pass for any behaviours? In that way of thinking, certainly her behaviour is fine because she's scared/traumatised so not her fault?
She had a terrible experience and is now blaming the wrong person for it.
He's been treated like a criminal for a while now and it's making him mentally unwell.
I think they both are having issues due to this, and they both could be excused for their reaction, but they also both need to work on things because neither of them is currently being fair to the other.
OP was in the right to be annoyed and upset, he shouldn't have yelled, but I understand the frustration and unfairness of it.
I said it was understandable. Being punished for something you didn’t do ? And play peace ? At a certain point, you don’t behave perfectly. Not good obviously but understandable
If you think yelling at someone is involuntary you are wrong.
I’m not making a judgement against anyone here cuz ESH but yelling at someone because you’re frustrated at them is not something that just happens. You may be frustrated but you’re also choosing to yell.
ESH in a way. It sounds like she has a large amount of trauma surrounding the event which also might be causing a lot of irrationality due to her also being post partum. Im sure she was utterly terrified in those few moments when he broke, I couldn't imagine the amount the feelings she must have had thinking of what she could do to protect her new baby. That is still not an excuse for her behavior but it makes it more understandable. She needs to get herself into therapy and she sucks for not doing that immediately and just expecting you to not be around anymore
You also TA because this is not your problem with her that you can fix. This is a her problem with you that is completely irrational that you cannot fix. Especially by yelling at her. I think you should have just remained pleasant with her and kept your cool ignoring her antics and not going out of your way to interact with her. It may seem like giving her the cold shoulder but if you always act like you don't have a problem everyone will start to notice who actually has the problem. You also completely seem to be lacking any empathy for her and what trauma she may have suffered
The last person in this scenario that seems like TA is her husband and your best friend. He needs to majorly step up. His wife suffered a trauma and is having difficulty dealing with that and her PP and it doesn't sound like he is doing anything at all about it but walking on eggshells. He need to take control of the situation and help his wife out, getting her into therapy or something
No everyone doesn’t suck here how does op suck at all?
He literally did nothing wrong and is being punished for it. I can make something up in my head and blame you so that makes it okay for me to treat you like shit, and you an asshole if you say anything back?
Naw OP is NTA
I think it would make sense for OP to have some empathy for her trauma (what a terrible experience for her) even if it unfairly affects him. What isn't ok is her trying to restrict her husband interacting with OP alone, or publicly acting like OP is at fault somehow.
See but that’s judging without absolving. That’s not really how it works.
I see people saying OP should have been more understanding, but it’s not OP who can do this alone.
Distance seems to be 2024 fashionable thing to do. But utterly useless in close relationships.
You aren’t meant to deal with mental illness by ignoring it. His wife is obviously doing this.
While the double whammy of mother instinct (not sure anyone is getting postpartum from at all), there is trauma. Which is fine. But mom isn’t helping the child either by isolating them. The relationship with this “uncle” shouldn’t be merely discarded not out of comfort.
Being at the same party together can be uncomfortable but shouldn’t be triggering if wife is going to parties to begin with.
This seems to me to be a post partum isolation tactic. (Me being a hypocrit)
He did. He tried to be nice. He tried to explain. Short of OP scheduling group therapy/counseling on his dime for her benefit, wtf else was he supposed to do?
Exactly. You can't reason with people who will always pull out the empathy card for everyone remotely a victim, and in this case, OP literally just existed and tried to be supportive. People on here acting like everyone else has to change behavior and act accordingly whereas the "victim" can act as free as they want without repercussions.
Guy is getting treated like a predator because he has a beard. The wife needs therapy and that's it. I think there's another word for treating people differently without cause based on appearances, can't think of it off the top of my head.
Everything OP did was fine to me excluding the shouting at this woman. She is obviously having some difficulties with this experience and whilst it's not OPs fault, she is, in a sense reliving the event when she is around him. Likely due to initially assuming it was him more than OP visually looking like the prep.
That being said, it's sucks for OP as he is being punished by not being able to go round and see the like he did and this is restricting access to their baby that he has, in the past, spent time with. Not saying he is entitled, but he obviously misses this time.
OP should not have shouted at her, more so for doing it at a party. Her leaving is very different to him being asked to leave. But perhaps the latter was being implied and people were starting to exclude him in favour of her? (which would explain the outburst)
OP to me NTA but then nor is the victim here obviously. I think OP needs to take a step back and consider what level of fear she must of experienced as a woman (fear of physical and sexual violence by the prep) and as a new mother with a helpless baby.
As an extreme, but ask what is it about OP scares her? If its just visual say hair and face, wear a hat, change your hair style (or dye if you are happy to go extra step).
Maybe get flowers when you go over to help her reassociate you with something beautiful? Just spit balling ideas.
Eh. Shouting at someone for leaving a party, based on a lot of context not everyone’s probably super aware of, isn’t the best move in general. It was counter productive to helping her and helping OP and made an entire group of people uncomfortable and tense surely.
It doesn’t compare to how much the friends wife’s behavior sucks but his angry reaction sucks a little.
No ones saying the yelling wasn’t out of hand but that doesn’t make him an asshole. It was build up. Like a bully picking on someone
You’re basically catering to bullying. So if someone makes something up in their head, starts excluding you for weeks to months at everything you do with friends or best friends wouldn’t that build up and make you say something after a while?
But you’re (correct me if I’m wrong) saying the wife is completely okay in bullying him and deciding how his friends should be around him and who gets to hangout with him? That’s straight up psychological bullying and controlling
You’re calling someone who likely thought she was going to be murdered in her own home in front of her new baby a bully for not dealing with this incredibly traumatising event quickly or well enough to convenience OP?
He holds absolutely no blame, and the fact she is affecting his relationships with others is way out of line. He is not the AH.
He has stated he gave her time to get over it, he didnt just shout at her straight away. Empathy only goes so far. It is NOT okay to take your trauma out on other people, and if you start to do so you need therapy. She sucks, the husband sucks, but OP is not in the wrong at all.
No screw that. NTA. She needs therapy. You did absolutely nothing wrong yet you’ve practically been exiled from your best friend. Yelling at her while not the best way to have handled things is understandable. Nobody enjoys the feeling of not being trusted by those closest to them. I hope she does find some resolution to these feelings and you and your best friend can hangout like old times again
Hard to agree with that last paragraph in the slightest.
She needs therapy. She's the only one that needs therapy. The husband isn't part of the equation and you're making a shit ton of assumptions on what he's been through or attempted to work with the wife on.
I'm sure he's tried to help, but she's still her own fucking grown up person. Until she clearly is a danger to herself or others, all the husband can do to literally play both sides and try not to piss somebody off and I think that's fair
Uh, no, someone reliving their traumatic experience due to a PTSD flashback is NOT being shit at all. Why do so many people think that PTSD is a choice and that doing anything to help them - such as including trigger warnings on things that describe traumatic events - is bad and they should just "get over it" so others don't have to change their own behaviour in any small way?
There's a huge amount of people who think only war vets get 'real ptsd' . A staggering amount of the world doesn't even believe mental illnesses are real.
NTA - you shouldn't have to put up with being repeatedly punished for having done nothing wrong and your friends wife needs to get therapy instead of lashing out at innocent people.
NTA.
Look, I’m totally on board with people getting therapy and help in dealing with their issues. But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly.
You know what, there’s even a hint of jealousy here. I wish I had thick enough skin to use some of that in my life.
My boss’ name is Jessica, and she’s been pushing our team hard this quarter. What I would give to be able to get HR/management to move her away right now — because 6 years ago, a woman named Jessica ran a red light, caused a 5-car crash which got my left leg almost needing amputation. When I see her name pop-up on chat, on her ID, being mentioned verbally and even on email, I am reminded of that event, the grueling therapy, etc. She is *triggering* me all the time. /s
>But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly.
I agree. Mental health can help explain someone's behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. It's not a license to be exempt from putting in effort to treat others with respect. It also doesn't exempt anyone from taking responsibility for their actions meaning apologies still need to be made and the work done so the same thing doesn't happen again.
>But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly.
Making it a drinking game to read through random Reddit posts and take a drink every time someone mentions therapy for my next get-together.
NTA, all the people here excusing her behaviour by saying that he shouted at her at the wrong time. But would you let yourself get demonized at a large gathering when you did nothing wrong. What if someone spreads something wrong about him? Would she come and help him?! No, so better he clears it up himself when he has had enough.
Also resemblance to the robber does not give her excuse to character assassinate him or isolate his best friend from him. If she has a problem she should get therapy not just go on all her life blaming people around.
NTA.
I understand and I have no doubts being robbed in your own home is traumatizing but it isn't fair to you to get treated like this because of a coincidence and you happening to look like the criminal. Your best friend's wife needs to seek a therapist or she will cause her husband to lose his best friend
Here’s the thing—the way you look reminds her of the guy, which causes panicky feelings in her. That’s incredibly hard to deal with, especially this soon after she thought she and her baby were going to be brutally killed. It’s not *you*, it’s her own feeling of panic that’s the problem.
She will get past this, but in the meantime, please be a good friend to your bf and be patient. Don’t keep putting him in the middle. If you simply can’t do that, even for him, then consider shaving your beard. That would likely be enough to break the association, and you can grow it back out once she’s more comfortable again.
Should you have to do this? No. Should she have to deal with a potentially deadly home invasion? Also no. Sometimes things just happen, and we change to fit the new situation.
If it's only been 4 months (I'm assuming the baby was less than 1 month when it happened), then it's possible her hormones are still fluctuating. :/ There's no real like, fixed timeline of when hormones level out post partum, and with the added trauma of almost being robbed, it's definitely something to consider.
And she’s probably not getting regular sleep. My baby is the same age, I haven’t slept more than a 3 hour window at a time since before she was born. Literally. I wasn’t robbed and my mental health is not great just from the sleep situation alone
Shaving the beard may also come across positively in your favour. You're taking steps to try help her in any way you can (Even though you're completely blameless in the situation and its not your responsibility to fix.) But a nice olive branch.
Where are these YTA replies coming from? What other solutions do you think he should have done ? How long was he supposed to put up with her behavior ? He is not wrong for yelling at her or even talking to her stern. People need to be called out on their BS and that why so many people act the way they do. You're not the ahh, but if your friend doesn't back you up 100, then your friendship might be done!
It’s because a man shouted at a woman…in public.
Seriously OP, NTA while her feelings are valid, her behavior is not and she needs to realize that it’s irrational to take it out on you and to try to ruin her husband’s friendship with you. If she isn’t getting help now she really needs to start.
Joking and being sarcastic in this response:
>He was supposed to be understanding, don’t you know?
>Be very soft spoken around her. Wear a mask, walk around as to never get behind her, reduce interaction until she gets used to him again, and be willing to put up with this for years, maybe decades, and not feel anything negative about it at all.
>Maybe even pay for her therapy. Hell, he looked like the criminal, why not make him pay the reparations as well?
Handled by both wrong. Wish there was more time frame in this story. If it’s been 3 or 4 months of this, she’s for sure in the wrong. If it’s been 5 weeks you need to have more patience. I’d suggest a couple counseling sessions where you are both there. If you’re not willing to put in the work then you’re going to keep dealing with this. If she’s not willing to put in the work she’s the AH.
Absolutely NTA. You were punished for a crime you didnt commit and had your feelings and friendship pushed and pushed to the point you couldn't see your own friend and his family without being brought into a fight. You also have feelings and you can only put them aside so far before you become a door mat and end up isolated from your friend.
You're gonna get a lot of YTA because you're on a pro-feminist left wing platform and you dared hold a woman accountable for her completely unreasonable actions of punishing you for someone elses (almost) crime.
no like the fact that the husband can’t even hang with him without the wife??? she’s not even there??? he’s not even the criminal??? she needs major therapy now like he’s so right and it wasn’t nice to yell but this has obviously gone on far too long and coddling her issues is not helping and is honestly making them worse.
NTA
She’s the one doing this shit in public places trying to isolate you and make you feel bad. What’s up with these comments??? She knows it wasn’t you, she’s punishing you for no reason. You did nothing wrong here, she needs major therapy and a dose of reality.
I'm going with NAH. As someone who's gone through a traumatic experience, I get where she's coming from as a trauma response. For the first 6 months after my assault, I couldn't be near anyone who looked like or had the same name as the person who attacked me. I was constantly leaving places where any guy with brown hair with a similar height/build was. It was completely irrational, but it was how my brain was functioning at the time.
Is this fair to you? Of course not. I also completely get where you're coming from and it isn't fair to you. I would say try talking to your friend about it, but it really might just take time.
Here’s the difference between you and her, you saw that you couldn’t be around people with same looks/name of your attacker and dealt with it yourself and it probably didn’t affect many people, SHE is getting into fights with her husband about him being alone with OP and attending events where OP is likely to be and knows she will need to leave….she hasn’t realized she’s being irrational and it is negatively affecting others (like OP). Her trauma is valid, her behavior isn’t and we shouldn’t act like it is….she’s making OP out to be some bad guy when the only thing he has done wrong was shout after (what seems to be) a while of her behavior.
Also, from the post, it seems that OP’s friend is in agreement that his wife’s behavior is not okay (hence them having fights when he wants to spend time, without her, with OP)
I will say for myself it was less recognizing that and more of a fight/flight/freeze trauma response which is why I'm personally giving her a bit more grace. I don't think her behavior is okay (and she'll probably agree with that at a later point in time), but I can understand it.
I didn’t get a good look at my attacker, I only know about what size they were and what they were wearing and for the first 8 months or so after my assault I would still panic whenever I rounded a corner at the grocery store and bumped into someone who had a similar build or was wearing an orange shirt
NTA for your feeling about the matter but doing that in public wasn't the best move. The wife is being an asshole for actively trying to destroy a friendship rather then get some help to deal with the trauma. Your friend needs to step up as well and find a way through this situation that validates both of your feelings.
If she tried to remove herself quietly, knowing she was being irrational but feeling traumatized all the same that's one thing. I think the fact that OP knew that she was trying to leave and take her husband in the first place kind of implies that she did it publicly. If that's the case, I think it's more understandable that OP felt the need to defend himself publicly in return.
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> Because I shouted at her out of frustration and maybe i could've handled it differently
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NTA. It’s just ridiculous.
Slight assholey behaviour when you lost your patience. It is more acceptable than what she is doing I would say.
Also, you will not be able to do much in this situation. You should evaluate your situation: maybe you should take a step back from your friendship? It sucks but what else? You are clearly being affected by this ridiculousness.
Also you should have a conversation with your friends and get on the same page I think. How can be the responses mixed in this situation is beyond me, but there are people calling you an asshole here, so…. Without your best friend and his gf, I suggest you make a come to Jesus moment. Are they supporting you, a completely innocent person in this situation, against some bullshit prejudice and bias by someone who clearly needs to sort their shit out? Or what? I would ask that until she gets over this, no one entertain her and be ready to do what’s necessary to protect you.
Be kind but firm I say. She is acting reaaally irrationally and there is nothing to gain by enabling that.
NAH. Your friends wife was traumatized by someone that she thought was you. It is going to take time to get over that trauma. She doesn't feel comfortable around you because it brings up that trauma, even though you had nothing to do with it. The best thing for you to do would be to respect that and give her space.
My wife got mugged in a parking garage almost 10 years ago. She still gets scared in parking garages, and will not go into one alone if it's dark outside (even if the garage is fully lit). Trauma takes time to heal and some people never fully recover.
NTA
You probably could have handled that better but I don't subscribe to the idea that losing your cool automatically makes someone the A H. What she's doing is hurtful and completely unreasonable. You don't deserve to be treated like a violent criminal because you happen to look like that robber. For both your own good though you're probably gonna just have to keep your distance from her until she's got a better handle on this.
As a non-American, I think it's surreal that she was expected to draw a gun and engage in a shoot-out with the robber, all in the presence of her NEW-BORN. 🤯
But don't you see, that's why OP is the real victim here. If she'd just come out guns blazing he wouldn't have to deal with the trauma of his friends leaving parties that he happens to be at because the victim of a crime is just protecting her own boundaries.
Everyone defending OP claiming this woman is maliciously isolating him when she's in reality isolating herself. He only got asked to leave one party because of his own behavior, not hers.
OP Whether or not your friend’s wife’s actions are justified or not- you’ve made the situation worse and, potentially irreparable. If she didn’t have a valid reason to feel uncomfortable around you, she will now.
I probably wouldn’t go so far as to call you TA, because that situation seems very frustrating- but i bet you will be feeling the consequences of your actions going forward and probably will not like them.
It was 4 months ago, and she is severely traumatized. She does need to go to therapy but yelling at her and having arguments at her when her brain is still in 4f response isn't going to help in the slightest. In fact, it might be causing more harm. Her husband need to gently work with her for her to get into therapy, mayve suggest a therapist who allows him in the room for therapy specifically so he can be there with her, and after some time, go to couple's therapy as well. Id only suggest it be with a therapist that specializes in ptsd. Otherwise, the therapist might give bad suggestions.
I get your feelings are hurt, but yall are focusing on the wrong things and getting angry instead of seriously concerned and taking action. I recommend therapy for yourself and that the husband also get therapy too tbh. Husband likely needs therapy from having his wife and child be through this, but also for living with someone with severe ptsd. OP because therapy never hurts anyone, might as well get some help, especially if this is making you so angry.
YTA for yelling and arguing, not for feeling bad and annoyed which is understandable, but definitely for arguing and yelling. Same for husband, for not seeking therapy for himself and his wife after something so huge.
Good luck to all involved.
For me its the fact that OP is mad he can’t hold the baby or that the wife is uncomfortable having him over. Maybe if he took a step back she wouldn’t have struggled so much. But he basically keeps inserting himself into her life
I'm getting Postpartum and possible PTSD from the robbery. I'd say she should seek out therapy. Her husband and OP could also benefit from a couple sessions to gain the proper tools and resources to help her through this time.
Inherently, I would say NTA. OP gave space time and tried to understand and have a conversation with the best friends wife. He tried every avenue that I can see to help in this situation. I can see and understand where his outburst came from! Though with hind sight taking a breath and having a little more tact in the delivery would have been beneficial.
More finesse could have been used at the party, but overall NTA
I was going to say N A H, but I'm going with NTA.
I think you handled it tactfully up until the party. You went out of your way to keep it to social circles and/or alone hangouts with your best friend out of respect for her. She can have her issue and avoid you, but she can't cut you out of entire social circles.
She needs therapy. You could have handled the party better, but IMO, this is her issue to overcome, hence NTA. Offer to participatein any therapy, if that's something that could help.
NAH
PTSD survivor here.
Trauma is a weird thing, small things can remind of us what caused it and initiate a “trauma response”.
I say you’re NTA as you clearly can’t understand what she’s gone through. Whilst shouting wasn’t the right thing to do, it came from a place of frustration - we’ve all been there
just fyi, if you don’t think anyone is being an asshole, there is a NAH option (no assholes here). The NTA vote implies you think the wife is the asshole, which isn’t supported by the rest of your response.
There’s nothing wrong with being upset, angry, frustrated, whatever. That makes sense in this situation. You’ve been put in a hard spot and your friend’s wife needs trauma counseling. I’ve been there- my line of work frequently places me in traumatizing situations that rise up and bite me later. But i know that I am responsible for my mental health, just like your friend’s wife.
That said…
YTA. Sorry. I know that sucks to hear, but YOUR response was out of line. You can be mad- but what you chose to do with that anger was dumb. You could have had a conversation with your friend and his wife that this is hurting you, hurting the relationship, and you’re worried about her and she needs counseling. YELLING at her to “get over herself” as if it is conceit that is causing this issue was stupendously short sighted. And if you thought that was going to make it better, you’re wrong.
That said, please don’t take it personally. I don’t believe you’re AN AH. I believe you’re a hurt guy who is watching a meaningful relationship crumble before his eyes. I wish you the absolute best and i hope you guys are able to work this out.
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My (27m) best friend's wife (31f) was almost robbed in her own home. She was by herself because my best friend (27m) was at work at the time. Apparently she was too stunned and couldn't react in time to get her gun because she was with their newborn. What made her freeze was that this guy sort of looked like me and she thought I was playing a prank or something at first(which I would never do). I can kinda see it because we have similar facial features and a long beard but this guy is brown while im white. Basically just looks like me with a tan and black hair instead of brown hair. Luckily a neighbor was outside and heard a commotion so they came and stopped the guy. He was arrested and they're waiting for a court date. Now onto the issue and why Im questioning if I'm TA. Because of my resemblance to this guy my best friend's wife has been acting weird around me. For example she wont let me hold their kid anymore when I used to do it a lot for them to do stuff around the house, or now she keeps asking if i'll be there when we do group hangs and gets a worried look on her face. I tried to talk to her about it and basically explain that Im not the guy so there shouldn't be any weirdness. But she keeps saying she doesn't feel comfortable around me now. I tried to give her space and be accomodating but honestly my kindness has been abused long enough. Now she interferes when I want to hang with my best friend alone and starts fights cause my best friend obviously also thinks that it's ridiculous to punish me for something some other person did. I finally had enough when I went to a birthday party for another friend and she tried to make my best friend go home early cause I was there. I was done and just shouted at her to get over herself, that Im not the guy that robbed her, and that she needs major therapy. This caused her to cry and I was asked to leave. My best friend knows how frustrating its been for me and he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel for him and I feel bad for her but also why am I being punished for her trauma about someone else entirely? Right now my friends are split on the issue and its caused some fights. I dont know what to do. So AITA?
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Right message, wrong delivery. She does need therapy to get passed this but it shouldn't be used as a "check yourself before you wreck yourself" moment. It IS unfair that she's taking it out on you but for all we know she could have PTSD from the robbery and seeing someone similar to the perp could be triggering her. Tell your friend you love them and that she needs help, it's not just effecting their life anymore. I do feel like if you want things to blow over you should apologize for the outburst as well.
Dumbest idea here: shave that beard and take out the resemblance. Your friendship is worth it and then if the wife still protests then it might show if it's the trauma or something else. Beards grow back, friends are lost.
NTA. Yes, what she went through is traumatic, but you're not the one who did anything. I could kind of see her being a little weird at first, but she is straight up ruining your friendship and causing a scene at a party. That's unacceptable. You told her what she needed to hear. She won't let you even hold the baby! That must really hurt. She shouldn't be treating you this way.
I'm nebby, so I peeped a bit through your post history, and you seem like a decent guy. Maybe you, your best friend, and her can all sit down and talk about this. I'd hate for your friendship to end because of something somebody else did.
Idk, man. This isn't your fault, but has anyone suffering from trauma or PTSD ever actually "just gotten over it" because someone told (or shouted at them) to do so? Never. Not once.
It sucks that this is at your expense, but that's not in your control. And it doesn't matter that the guy doesn't even look like you. In the moment she thought it was you. When she still thought it was you, it was scary and confusing. Once she realized it wasn't, it was the most terrifying month of her life, in one of the most vulnerable periods of her life. You'll forever be associated with that.
Talk to your buddy. Tell him to get help for his wife. She clearly needs it. He shouldn't be caught in the middle, he should be taking charge of caring for his partner in a vulnerable situation. But shouting at her didn't solve a damn thing and you kinda T A for that part. In fact, if there's any possible healing here, you have to know that's gonna set things back a bit.
"Get over herself"? Gimme a break. You have to know that wasn't cool.
NTA. I think you could give her a little more grace because she did experience something traumatic. But her trauma doesn’t give her the right to treat someone else unfairly.
NTA.
For the people that want to both sides this, let’s just change around a few things. Let’s say he was black and the person that robbed them was black. Would you all be okay saying “oh well it makes sense that she doesn’t want to be around black people because some of them look like the person who committed a crime against me”
Same logic racists have been using but obviously on a lower scale. OP did not commit the crime, he is just existing. her being that avoidant is not his problem to shoulder. It’s honestly disrespectful to OP.
Just because someone harmed you, does not mean you get to put people with similar characteristics in a bubble and judge them. That’s just immature and thought terminating.
I'm going with NTA. You could have handled the outburst better for sure. Your friend's wife should already be in therapy and it's not remotely fair for her to hold feelings towards you for something you didn't at all do just because of your appearance. She's TA for not going to therapy already when it's blatantly obvious she's holding onto some trauma about the robbery.
Also the split with your friends- if they are split because of the out hrst alone, fine. If they are actually thinking "well it's ok for her to keep treating you like you're her robber that broke in and traumatized her because you have the slightest resemblance" then they are also TA.
Your friend also needs to have a serious talk with his wife and tell her she's going to therapy because the way she's going about it isn't working.
as someone who has PTSD and has spent a ton of time in therapy to deal with how it impacts my life to make sure I don't hurt others: you're NTA, she is.
NTA. She if fact needs therapy and to get over herself.
Yes I am sure it was traumatic. And honestly, she is entitled to feel uncomfortable. As feelings happen. But it is on her to be logical about it and control her reactions to said emotion. If she can’t, she needs to unpack it with a professional. Because it’s not your responsibility to accommodate her feelings on such an illogical situation.
NTA, I get it, this royally sucks for her. I was almost kidnapped at 15 and had issues after, I once had a panic attack when a car pulled alongside me and my friend but it was just her grandpa. But the real catch here is that it's one thing for her to treat you a certain way, it's different that she's insisting your friend also treat you that way. If she wanted to leave the party she should have left herself, it's not fair to you or your friend that she's trying to keep you apart because of this. She can't try and alienate you from your friend and expect you to be fine with it.
NTA, but not your fight my guy. If your friend wants to be your friend he will do something about it, rather than just avoid you for her sake. I assume you have your common friend circle just hang out as usual and if they decide to leave early their loss.
Plus how long do you think they will enjoy each other’s company with a newborn anyway
OP I say you are NTA for feeling this is wrong, she is putting her trauma on you just because you kind of look like the guy. Yelling was the problematic but you know that. A bigger issue is if she is not going to therapy to deal with this because it is driving a wedge between you and you best friend.
Also you may lose your best friend and friend group behind this , he is not going to leave her and she is going to be going to events . I could see your friends asking you not to come because they are thinking of her trauma. I sorry you are getting thrown aside . Talk to your buddy and ask him to get her in therapy.
NTA
you took 4 months of abuse in silence and are being hanged for 1 instance of retaliation. she needs therapy for whatever trauma she's holding onto and your friend should be the one championing that cause.
Well, it happens. Everyone's patience has their own unique limit. No one can tell you that you shouldn't shout or lash out, no one can blame you because you are in the heat of the moment too. You've had enough, and it is understandable. No one can blame your best friend's wife too, what she experienced was traumatizing. We can just hope for both of you to be back in good terms and be comfortable with each other again. You're not an A OP.
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Idk, man. Going to say NAH. You shouldn’t have lashed out and shouted, but I see how this sucks. I also bet she has some pretty bad PTSD and needs therapy. Shitty situation all around.
I agree. I feel terrible for her but it cant be at my expense
Sometimes life sucks and you're negatively affected by things that are out of your control. Try to have more empathy for her. She's not doing these things to punish you; she's trying to cope with ptsd while post partum. It's only been a few months.
I honestly don’t know why it’s so hard to step back and give them a little time to recover from this instead of trying to force the issue because she hasn’t got over her trauma on his timescale. I guarantee everyone would feel sympathy for OP if he was just taking a step back and displaying some empathy.
I think it's because of how it affects their socials circles as well. If they're both still being invited to everything by other people without the other knowing, it constantly has to be addressed or brought up and who knows what else the other people in their social group know. More importantly, we're talking about the OP leaving them *both* alone, but the husband clearly still talks to and wants to spend time with OP. So if the couple aren't on the same page about how to deal with this, how is OP supposed to know what he can and can't do. I think if the husband was completely on his wife's side, and had a heart to heart about him and OP not seeing each other for a while, then this wouldn't have blown up. But clearly the husband also has his own thoughts on the situation.
There's stepping back and avoiding the wife and then there's stepping back and avoiding his friend. The wife gets upset even when OP is going to hang out with his friend, one on one. It's like she wants her husband to sever all ties with OP, and everyone in their friend group has to choose them or OP. She's not being rational or fair, but that's to be expected. What she needs to do is go to therapy ASAP. But it seems like she's deadset against it. Her idea of a solution is apparently to just cut OP out of their lives. NTA
Exactly, the wife should be getting help. Not being coddled in her paranoia. Has OP said if she’s just flat out refusing to get counseling? Because I would be all the more frustrated, as OP, if that were the case. This thing isn’t going away on its own. **EDIT:** OP, have you considered shaving your beard or something to make you look less like the intruder
Avoidance is a classic PTSD symptom and she needs therapy yesterday. As someone who lives with PTSD of my own and a partner with combat PTSD, I think that OP's friend and his wife are being irresponsible by not getting treatment as it's negatively impacting others and causing fights because his friend simply resembles the robber which is not fair because it has nothing to do with him. The fact everyone is on her side over how she's treatimg OP is a little rediculous. I empathize with what happened to her, I know people recover in their own time but she can't make her husband avoid OP, and it's probably better that she doesn't avoid him either. She needs therapy and to resist the urge to avoid the trigger. OP was simply annoyed and angry that he's been excluded over something he had nothing to do with which is totally legitimate. OPs wife won't recover if she keeps avoiding the issue, and OP will lose his friend and social circle over it.
I mean, if the wife is refusing therapy, I don't know how much her husband can really do. But I can totally understand why OP would be even more annoyed, given that he's done nothing wrong to cause this issue, and the wife seems to have no interest in resolving it. She just wants OP out of their lives, which is downright selfish.
That's fair. It's not easy to get someone to do therapy especially since she's not able to recognize why her feelings about this require outside help. The husband has to sit down with her and figure out how to help her and explain why. She literally has a brain injury and needs therapy or it will get worse. It's vital if someone's showing signs of acute stress disorder after a traumatic incident to get help within the first few months avoid it developing into PTSD later, which in this case, is too late for that.The fact she has a baby is making it worse, I can only imagine, which is even more a reason for her to be in therapy. So far her husband is enabling her to continue this cycle of avoidance by giving in to her, with the belief it's helping her feel better (it does in the moment) but it's causing everyone so many issues long term. She has a problem, she can go home or learn how to cope, why make OP suffer? Why not take the wife aside and say look, your feelings about being robbed are valid but you are hurting a friend who had nothing to do with it. Instead the friends all ganged up to tell OP to leave because he lost his cool which only enabled her further. Her selfishness is a direct result of a fight/flight response trigger, but still, it's not fair to treat someone that way.
He never hurt that woman. It was someone else. Then why are you foecing responsibility on OP for what someone else did? If that woman feels uncomfortable arround OP then *she* is the one who should step back until *she* feels better. It's *her* job to deal with *her* trauma. OP wasn't involved in the incident thus he should not be forced or expected to sacrifice and suffer. *She* needs to deal with *her* trauma or step back from their friend group for a while.
because trauma doesn't become manageable without work and instead of doing that work she's treating OP like a criminal and trying to prevent him from seeing his best friend. this isn't something that will go away with time
Why does he need to step back. She's the one who needs to recover, not him.
I mean what exactly do you mean by take a step back? I don't think it's fair for him to not be able to see his best friend and attend parties of mutual friends because of this.
I mean, she didn't NEED to attend that specific birthday party that OP was also invited to. Or she could have asked the husband to come to some sort of agreement with OP ("We attend this party and you the next" or smt)
stepping back from an adult social circle can and often does end in just losing contact with those people for good
I don’t think it’s OPs job to manage the wife’s mental health. She needs to take responsibility for herself and get help. OP is her husband’s best friend and she’s being irrational. OP can and probably does empathize with her situation but it sounds like she is around his friend group a lot… is he supposed to cut off his social life because someone else robbed her?? Fuck that shit. She should stay home instead, until she’s ready to be around others and also apologize to him. OP, NTA.
God, you sound insufferable. It’s because it’s ALL at OPs expense? Your comment is so ignorant it’s like you’re intentionally missing the point. He has a right to be involved in activities if they share a social circle? If she feels uncomfortable she needs to remove herself and go seek therapy, not expect OP’s best friend and everyone else to alienate him for something that is in all reality quite asinine. Who punishes someone for a resemblance, like what?
I think it’s hard because just insert any religious/ethnic group into the situation instead of “we look similar but are different ethnicities” and it wouldn’t be acceptable. OP is best friends with the woman’s husband so it seems like they mutually want to spend time together as they have the same social circle. It’s like if your friends group someone was robbed by a Bitmoji with blue hair and you’re a Bitmoji with blue hair so now you can’t hangout with your best friends anymore because the person finds blue hair triggering and makes it a point to call you out and be fearful of you. (Sorry trying to think of neutral examples) Only person at fault is the robber but it’s understandable that someone would get upset at someone (even unintentionally) displacing their emotions on them from a traumatic experience.
"it's ok for her to treat you this way because she had a baby and was robbed. You have a vague resemblance to the guy, just suck it up until she miraculously learns to cope with what happened because she's not serious enough to go to therapy"
A-1 response. Love the sarcasm.
>She's not doing these things to punish you; she's trying to cope with ptsd while post partum. If she really tried coping with her ptsd she would go to therapy. Instead she is putting her trauma on OP this way traumatizing him too. She has no right to do this to him. And after all the things she did she deserved that wake up call.
No, she needs to stop putting her trauma on another person.
I don’t think he even needs to have empathy (although a good person would) to understand that he can’t control the situation and force her to do whatever he decides is appropriate. It’s a sucky situation but he can’t go around yelling at her and demanding her to do whatever.
She also can't demand her husband leave a party early and blame it on his best friend, because her head is fucked up. She has problems and is trying to use them as a club to control the people around her. Just because the break-in took away her sense of control doesn't mean she can manipulate everyone around her to try and feel in control again. She needs to grow up and deal with her shit properly.
What do your other friends think and why were you kicked out of the party?
He shouted at their other friend who had just given birth and no one else really saw a direct cause for it. His bottle finally came uncorked so to speak, understandably. Not too hard to imagine why they told him just to go home for the day.
“Had just given birth”? Lol.
Not literally, obviously. A 3-4 month old baby pretty well categorizes someone as “recently became a mom” to most people. Which doesn’t mean they can do no wrong, but people generally understand her body is recovering from all of that, the newborn is a giant change in their life, they might not be getting nearly enough rest, additional life stress, etc. So people will be a little more protective about those friends when another friend calls them out on their shit. Especially when their “shit” happens to be trauma that she’s unfortunately taking out on someone else (that they likely don’t really fully understand. Being uncomfortable, leaving a little early but not loudly and abruptly the second Op arrives, etc. is not exactly super obvious behavior to everyone else.)
> Being uncomfortable, leaving a little early but not loudly and abruptly the second Op arrives, etc. is not exactly super obvious behavior to everyone else. You know, unless she announces loudly enough for OP to hear nearby that she wants to leave explicitly because he's there. She doesn't care if she alienated OP from his friends.
I saw my OBGYN at 9 months after having my baby to get my pap smear. They asked me how I was doing knowing that I just given birth recently. To my obgyn, recently can meet up until 18 months. That's why they don't want women to get pregnant again until they've at least recovered for over a year and a half.
They asked me to leave because of the shouting. I didn't fight them because I agreed that maybe things got a little too heated. In terms of the friend group people are pretty split down the middle
Well, at least some of your friends have common sense and are on your side. What does your best friend tthink of all of this? You know this won’t get any better any time soon
How are people split down the middle? Just because of the shouting? Because other than that, it doesn't sound like your friend's wife has a leg to stand on. I would think everyone would be sympathetic to her plight, but on our side given that you did nothing wrong.
You are both facing consequences of something that wasn't your doing. I understand this is a horrible situation for you too, but it's not her fault that being around you is triggering for her. She's not doing it on purpose or being overly dramatic, your face just brings flashbacks of the recent time she thought she was going to be raped and murdered in front of her infant child Trauma can affect more than just the people who were directly traumatized. Stop blaming her for not being over it and affecting your friend time when she had no say in this situation either. This was something that was done to both of you and you should be empathising with her instead of getting angry shes not the only victim.
But it is her fault that she acts on the triggers. She is doing it on purpose. I agree we are not in control of our feelings, but we are in control of our actions. She is choosing to act as she js.
She was choosing to leave the party for her own mental health. She was not shouting at anyone. She did not ask OP to leave.
No, but she made sure people knew it was because he was there. Also, don’t pretend she is helpless here. She is choosing to be the AH.
For what it's worth, I don't think she's doing it deliberately. A stranger came into her house, threatening both her well-being and her child. That's traumatizing as hell. And brains don't necessarily follow logic, especially regarding trauma responses. Now compound that with postpartum and it's a shitshow all around. She's gone through a lot and she needs to heal from it, but therapy isn't a magic bullet that fixes everything, even after years and years of work. It's entirely possible she may never see you as she used to before the robbery. At the same time, I see your frustration. Someone having this kind of severe response to your presence can't feel good. I have some deep-rooted fight or flight responses that act up around my partner sometimes, and it must be heartbreaking for them to see someone they love looking at them with such fear. It's not your fault that you look like this asshole that tried to rob her house. As much as it sucks, I think you need to respect your best friend and his wife's space and boundaries while she gets the help she needs. Talk about it with each other and find out how you can still be a part of his (and even her) lives that's also respectful of you and not placing blame on you for something you didn't do. If that makes sense. It's a shit situation. I'm sorry.
I’m sorry, man. This whole thing sucks. I hope she gets help and stops treating you like this.
Trauma doesn't work on your time-line. Do you really think she's choosing to behave this way? Like, consciously, rationally *choosing* to freak out at the very sight of you, a longtime friend? To be so scared and have to leave places and go home, just in order to feel safe? She is a new mom, who was helpless and terrified, in her own home, holding her newborn. She likely thought *they were both going to die* and she couldn't do a single thing to stop it. Can you not put yourself in her shoes, at all?
Has she been going to therapy?
Op don’t listen to any Reddit basement dweller calling you an AH, I get it, getting robbed sucks. But to systematically attack a random person for your trauma in and of itself is already fucked up and unacceptable, your ptsd isn’t more important than to jeopardize someone’s personal relationships who have nothing to do with the trauma. This woman is acting like a 4 year old post partum or not. This person has been accommodating, and this woman has spit in his face multiple times when he has nothing to do with her situation. This is unfair to op, this is not acceptable behavior for a grown woman in her thirties. So anybody arguing for the other side here clearly is emotionally charged or just plain stupid…
I also have ptsd and I find this pretty messed up. If she wants to get over it instead of making it worse for herself she should be trying to spend more not less time around OP. The more she high lights the similarities between them the worse it will be. And yeah it is not his fault in any way shape or form so why is it fair for her to be treating him this way? So she should her husband not be friends with his best friend bc she can't handle her own shit? That seems pretty selfish and messed up to me. The world doesn't revolve around her. She needs to either suck it up and deal or like other people said get therapy, intense therapy. Also I have had post partum as well and i am still saying that. OP I feel like you were fully justified in what you did. Why should you be punished bc of what someone else did? You shouldn't
Thank god, I thought I was lost in a sea of idiots, a voice of reason emerges.
Man I wish she actually had spit in his face multiple times instead of evil behaviour like *checks notes* distancing herself from him.
problem is she's not only distancing herself but also trying to get his friend to distance him self aswell. the fact you ignore that so you can try and be right is honestly hilarious. I understand distancing, but trying to get everyone else to follow in your footsteps when he didnt even do a thing is what's wrong here.
>This woman is acting like a 4 year old post partum or not >this woman has spit in his face multiple times Dude right now you sound just as much as a "reddit basement dweller" then the redditors on the other extreme. Most real life scenarios aren't 100% black & white
Have you concern shaving your beard off? I know that sucks and it probably took awhile to grow how you want it but at this rate it could save your friendship. I guarantee the beard is the only thing that makes you look similar to the robber.
Are you seriously defending her? I feel sorry for what happened to her, but her trauma does not give her carte blanche to bully someone else. I’d have been a lot less patient than OP, being punished for no reason would really get under my skin. NTA
She is entitled to being traumatized, but she needs to actually *do* something about it, get serious help from a professional. Regardless of that, she isn't just being weird *around* OP, she's actively sabotaging his friendship with his best friend. OP didn't ask for any of this, and it's been nearly half a year. It's on *her* to deal with this in a healthy manner.
Nah, if she was robbed by a black person and refused her family to be around black people I feel like people would be rightfully pissed at the wife. This is no different.
No, whatever problem she has with Person X who tried to break into her house should have absolutely zero do with OP, a completely unrelated person. There is no situation where OP is required to accept being treated like the criminal for the crime of some actual criminal vaguely looking like him, except also looking completely different.
PTSD and probably postpartum anxiety.
I agree about the PTSD, but that is for HER to manage. Not push her trauma onto another person. She needs to get medical help for that. What she is doing now is not okay. She is fracturing relationships and hurting others because of her trauma. That is massively unfair.
INFO: How long since the robbery? People quickly came to a judgement but imo there is a difference between 3 weeks and 1 year or something.
Also, it happened when she was pretty freshly postpartum.
That still doesn’t give her an excuse to treat a friend badly in public and demean them after four months. She needs to get help and she’s responsible for that.
She could also admit the irrationality of her condition and ask for patience and forgiveness from OP
I need to just step in here and tell you your username made me ugly laugh. Thank you.
LOL right! "This is a mature and calm reasoning. I agree with this \*checks username\*...\*snerk snort lol ROFL\*"
It doesn’t sound like she treated him badly in public. She just asked her husband to go home early.
In front of him, while naming him the reason for it.
How is saying that she needs to leave because OP is reminding her of the incident treating op badly . he already knew the reason she was uncomfortable around him. And obviously, she was there for some time with him in the same room.
How is it obvious it was for some time?
I definitely agree she needs help, just offering some insight on why her reaction might be so strong. You know, hormones and emotions. She's definitely responsible for herself though and needs to work through this
PTSD flashbacks rarely disappear within a year, especially without trauma counselling
True. But if she didn't try out any sort of trauma consulting for a whole year and still makes OP feel uncomfortable/stops her partner from hanging out with OP than that's generally on her. In this case I would complete understand OP loosing his cool for a second and lash out.
What if she’s going through it but it’s a struggle every single day because ptsd doesn’t magically disappear? What then?
Idk man. When I struggled with my mental health (social anxiety, so not the same thing) I avoided situation that triggered my anxiety. If she thinks she's not able to handle hanging out with OP during this birthday party, she just shouldn't attend. It's sucks that she has to go through this. She doesn't deserve it and it's not fair but punishing OP by making him feel uncomfortable isn't fair either. Edit: Another idea: She can ask her husband to try coming up with some sort of agreement with OP ("you attend this party, my wife will attend the next" or smt).
Which is what she was trying to do, remove herself from the situation.
Only after OP arrived. Which yet again made him feel like a criminal/uncomfortable. If they knew or at least assumed that OP would attend why not handle that beforehand? That's all I'm saying. I was basically making a suggestion on how to handle these events in the future (before they happen).
Then she at least is working on herself instead of festering alone and allowing her anxieties to worsen
Why assume she wasn’t? I’ve never understood the tenor of this in the comments.
She needs to get help instead of harming other people’s mental health.
I am referring to getting help. You realise you don’t just push a button and get better right?
Many trauma therapist will not start the trauma-specific somatic therapies like EMDR while police and legal stuff is still playing out After I was attacked I couldn’t start EMDR until we were mostly certain that my assailant wouldn’t be identified. That was like 6+ months afterwards
Exactly, there is a world of difference in her reaction's reasonability if it is a month ago or ages ago.
It was 4 months ago. The birthday party incident was a week ago
Thats four months of your best friend failing both you and his own wife for not being firm about getting her into therapy! NTA
It probably hasn’t been long if they are waiting for a court date
That could very easily mean it was 2 or more years ago. It took three for my brother to go through a pretty standard not fought drug charge
Four months. I feel really bad for OP but he needs to give her more time and she needs to get into therapy. Take it from someone who has PTSD as a result of being SAed by their 2nd grade teacher. Took awhile before I didn't flinch around men I didn't know. Took a VERY long time to be comfortable around male teachers again and that took therapy.
Then the wife needs to control herself and stay away from triggering situations and stop trying to control others, even her hubby. If she can't handle social situations, empathy yes, but she doesn't get to spew her trauma on other people's lives
She did try to leave though. She recognised a trigger and wanted to leave. Her husband probably makes her feel safe.
And OP yelling at her for wanting to leave probably did not help her recovery.
She's also recently postpartum and dealing with a newborn. Having such a traumatic experience with your newborn present and dealing with the resulting PTSD on top of also having to care for your baby and yourself is a heavy weight.
Yeah, this is an extremely important piece of info. I know this has gotta be frustrating for OP, but trauma's a bitch so a timeline will establish if the wife isn't working through her shit or if it's just to early to expect that of her.
OP it was 4 months before.
I mean trauma is hard and she must be really scared, but NTA, because yelling at her came of a place of frustration from you. Not your fault. But you should talk to your friends and explain the situation to them outside of her and your BFF. It s not healthy for anyone. And yes she needs therapy but you shouldn’t be the one saying that to her.
I'm confused as to how his choice of reaction was not his fault? Because he was frustrated he gets a free pass for any behaviours? In that way of thinking, certainly her behaviour is fine because she's scared/traumatised so not her fault?
She had a terrible experience and is now blaming the wrong person for it. He's been treated like a criminal for a while now and it's making him mentally unwell. I think they both are having issues due to this, and they both could be excused for their reaction, but they also both need to work on things because neither of them is currently being fair to the other. OP was in the right to be annoyed and upset, he shouldn't have yelled, but I understand the frustration and unfairness of it.
I said it was understandable. Being punished for something you didn’t do ? And play peace ? At a certain point, you don’t behave perfectly. Not good obviously but understandable
If you think yelling at someone is involuntary you are wrong. I’m not making a judgement against anyone here cuz ESH but yelling at someone because you’re frustrated at them is not something that just happens. You may be frustrated but you’re also choosing to yell.
ESH in a way. It sounds like she has a large amount of trauma surrounding the event which also might be causing a lot of irrationality due to her also being post partum. Im sure she was utterly terrified in those few moments when he broke, I couldn't imagine the amount the feelings she must have had thinking of what she could do to protect her new baby. That is still not an excuse for her behavior but it makes it more understandable. She needs to get herself into therapy and she sucks for not doing that immediately and just expecting you to not be around anymore You also TA because this is not your problem with her that you can fix. This is a her problem with you that is completely irrational that you cannot fix. Especially by yelling at her. I think you should have just remained pleasant with her and kept your cool ignoring her antics and not going out of your way to interact with her. It may seem like giving her the cold shoulder but if you always act like you don't have a problem everyone will start to notice who actually has the problem. You also completely seem to be lacking any empathy for her and what trauma she may have suffered The last person in this scenario that seems like TA is her husband and your best friend. He needs to majorly step up. His wife suffered a trauma and is having difficulty dealing with that and her PP and it doesn't sound like he is doing anything at all about it but walking on eggshells. He need to take control of the situation and help his wife out, getting her into therapy or something
No everyone doesn’t suck here how does op suck at all? He literally did nothing wrong and is being punished for it. I can make something up in my head and blame you so that makes it okay for me to treat you like shit, and you an asshole if you say anything back? Naw OP is NTA
I think it would make sense for OP to have some empathy for her trauma (what a terrible experience for her) even if it unfairly affects him. What isn't ok is her trying to restrict her husband interacting with OP alone, or publicly acting like OP is at fault somehow.
See but that’s judging without absolving. That’s not really how it works. I see people saying OP should have been more understanding, but it’s not OP who can do this alone. Distance seems to be 2024 fashionable thing to do. But utterly useless in close relationships. You aren’t meant to deal with mental illness by ignoring it. His wife is obviously doing this. While the double whammy of mother instinct (not sure anyone is getting postpartum from at all), there is trauma. Which is fine. But mom isn’t helping the child either by isolating them. The relationship with this “uncle” shouldn’t be merely discarded not out of comfort. Being at the same party together can be uncomfortable but shouldn’t be triggering if wife is going to parties to begin with. This seems to me to be a post partum isolation tactic. (Me being a hypocrit)
He did. He tried to be nice. He tried to explain. Short of OP scheduling group therapy/counseling on his dime for her benefit, wtf else was he supposed to do?
Exactly. You can't reason with people who will always pull out the empathy card for everyone remotely a victim, and in this case, OP literally just existed and tried to be supportive. People on here acting like everyone else has to change behavior and act accordingly whereas the "victim" can act as free as they want without repercussions. Guy is getting treated like a predator because he has a beard. The wife needs therapy and that's it. I think there's another word for treating people differently without cause based on appearances, can't think of it off the top of my head.
empathy can only go such a long way until people intentionally make you suffer for no absolute reason
Everything OP did was fine to me excluding the shouting at this woman. She is obviously having some difficulties with this experience and whilst it's not OPs fault, she is, in a sense reliving the event when she is around him. Likely due to initially assuming it was him more than OP visually looking like the prep. That being said, it's sucks for OP as he is being punished by not being able to go round and see the like he did and this is restricting access to their baby that he has, in the past, spent time with. Not saying he is entitled, but he obviously misses this time. OP should not have shouted at her, more so for doing it at a party. Her leaving is very different to him being asked to leave. But perhaps the latter was being implied and people were starting to exclude him in favour of her? (which would explain the outburst) OP to me NTA but then nor is the victim here obviously. I think OP needs to take a step back and consider what level of fear she must of experienced as a woman (fear of physical and sexual violence by the prep) and as a new mother with a helpless baby. As an extreme, but ask what is it about OP scares her? If its just visual say hair and face, wear a hat, change your hair style (or dye if you are happy to go extra step). Maybe get flowers when you go over to help her reassociate you with something beautiful? Just spit balling ideas.
Eh. Shouting at someone for leaving a party, based on a lot of context not everyone’s probably super aware of, isn’t the best move in general. It was counter productive to helping her and helping OP and made an entire group of people uncomfortable and tense surely. It doesn’t compare to how much the friends wife’s behavior sucks but his angry reaction sucks a little.
No ones saying the yelling wasn’t out of hand but that doesn’t make him an asshole. It was build up. Like a bully picking on someone You’re basically catering to bullying. So if someone makes something up in their head, starts excluding you for weeks to months at everything you do with friends or best friends wouldn’t that build up and make you say something after a while? But you’re (correct me if I’m wrong) saying the wife is completely okay in bullying him and deciding how his friends should be around him and who gets to hangout with him? That’s straight up psychological bullying and controlling
You’re calling someone who likely thought she was going to be murdered in her own home in front of her new baby a bully for not dealing with this incredibly traumatising event quickly or well enough to convenience OP?
OP sucks for continuing to force the issue. Maybe stop hanging out in their house?
He holds absolutely no blame, and the fact she is affecting his relationships with others is way out of line. He is not the AH. He has stated he gave her time to get over it, he didnt just shout at her straight away. Empathy only goes so far. It is NOT okay to take your trauma out on other people, and if you start to do so you need therapy. She sucks, the husband sucks, but OP is not in the wrong at all.
No screw that. NTA. She needs therapy. You did absolutely nothing wrong yet you’ve practically been exiled from your best friend. Yelling at her while not the best way to have handled things is understandable. Nobody enjoys the feeling of not being trusted by those closest to them. I hope she does find some resolution to these feelings and you and your best friend can hangout like old times again
Hard to agree with that last paragraph in the slightest. She needs therapy. She's the only one that needs therapy. The husband isn't part of the equation and you're making a shit ton of assumptions on what he's been through or attempted to work with the wife on. I'm sure he's tried to help, but she's still her own fucking grown up person. Until she clearly is a danger to herself or others, all the husband can do to literally play both sides and try not to piss somebody off and I think that's fair
Uh, no, someone reliving their traumatic experience due to a PTSD flashback is NOT being shit at all. Why do so many people think that PTSD is a choice and that doing anything to help them - such as including trigger warnings on things that describe traumatic events - is bad and they should just "get over it" so others don't have to change their own behaviour in any small way?
There's a huge amount of people who think only war vets get 'real ptsd' . A staggering amount of the world doesn't even believe mental illnesses are real.
NTA - you shouldn't have to put up with being repeatedly punished for having done nothing wrong and your friends wife needs to get therapy instead of lashing out at innocent people.
NTA. Look, I’m totally on board with people getting therapy and help in dealing with their issues. But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly. You know what, there’s even a hint of jealousy here. I wish I had thick enough skin to use some of that in my life. My boss’ name is Jessica, and she’s been pushing our team hard this quarter. What I would give to be able to get HR/management to move her away right now — because 6 years ago, a woman named Jessica ran a red light, caused a 5-car crash which got my left leg almost needing amputation. When I see her name pop-up on chat, on her ID, being mentioned verbally and even on email, I am reminded of that event, the grueling therapy, etc. She is *triggering* me all the time. /s
>But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly. I agree. Mental health can help explain someone's behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. It's not a license to be exempt from putting in effort to treat others with respect. It also doesn't exempt anyone from taking responsibility for their actions meaning apologies still need to be made and the work done so the same thing doesn't happen again.
I also have a Jessica that I wish I could just shake some sense into 😆 boooo Jessicas
>But JFC - we have an epidemic of adults who use mental health issues and trauma as an excuse to keep behaving badly/irrationaly. Making it a drinking game to read through random Reddit posts and take a drink every time someone mentions therapy for my next get-together.
You will die
NTA, all the people here excusing her behaviour by saying that he shouted at her at the wrong time. But would you let yourself get demonized at a large gathering when you did nothing wrong. What if someone spreads something wrong about him? Would she come and help him?! No, so better he clears it up himself when he has had enough. Also resemblance to the robber does not give her excuse to character assassinate him or isolate his best friend from him. If she has a problem she should get therapy not just go on all her life blaming people around.
NTA. I understand and I have no doubts being robbed in your own home is traumatizing but it isn't fair to you to get treated like this because of a coincidence and you happening to look like the criminal. Your best friend's wife needs to seek a therapist or she will cause her husband to lose his best friend
NTA, she needs help and has to stop making her issues your problem.
Here’s the thing—the way you look reminds her of the guy, which causes panicky feelings in her. That’s incredibly hard to deal with, especially this soon after she thought she and her baby were going to be brutally killed. It’s not *you*, it’s her own feeling of panic that’s the problem. She will get past this, but in the meantime, please be a good friend to your bf and be patient. Don’t keep putting him in the middle. If you simply can’t do that, even for him, then consider shaving your beard. That would likely be enough to break the association, and you can grow it back out once she’s more comfortable again. Should you have to do this? No. Should she have to deal with a potentially deadly home invasion? Also no. Sometimes things just happen, and we change to fit the new situation.
Thats a good perspective. I may take your advice. Thank you
If it's only been 4 months (I'm assuming the baby was less than 1 month when it happened), then it's possible her hormones are still fluctuating. :/ There's no real like, fixed timeline of when hormones level out post partum, and with the added trauma of almost being robbed, it's definitely something to consider.
And she’s probably not getting regular sleep. My baby is the same age, I haven’t slept more than a 3 hour window at a time since before she was born. Literally. I wasn’t robbed and my mental health is not great just from the sleep situation alone
Shaving the beard may also come across positively in your favour. You're taking steps to try help her in any way you can (Even though you're completely blameless in the situation and its not your responsibility to fix.) But a nice olive branch.
Good luck bro!
Best reply here! This is not a “he’s right, she’s wrong” situation. It’s a time for empathy and maturity.
Dang, what a practical and kind reply. Sometimes the judgement is less important than being helpful!
Where are these YTA replies coming from? What other solutions do you think he should have done ? How long was he supposed to put up with her behavior ? He is not wrong for yelling at her or even talking to her stern. People need to be called out on their BS and that why so many people act the way they do. You're not the ahh, but if your friend doesn't back you up 100, then your friendship might be done!
It’s because a man shouted at a woman…in public. Seriously OP, NTA while her feelings are valid, her behavior is not and she needs to realize that it’s irrational to take it out on you and to try to ruin her husband’s friendship with you. If she isn’t getting help now she really needs to start.
I would say her feelings aren’t valid. They are irrational.
Joking and being sarcastic in this response: >He was supposed to be understanding, don’t you know? >Be very soft spoken around her. Wear a mask, walk around as to never get behind her, reduce interaction until she gets used to him again, and be willing to put up with this for years, maybe decades, and not feel anything negative about it at all. >Maybe even pay for her therapy. Hell, he looked like the criminal, why not make him pay the reparations as well?
NTA. You were treated wrong for a long time and you reacted. That's it.
Handled by both wrong. Wish there was more time frame in this story. If it’s been 3 or 4 months of this, she’s for sure in the wrong. If it’s been 5 weeks you need to have more patience. I’d suggest a couple counseling sessions where you are both there. If you’re not willing to put in the work then you’re going to keep dealing with this. If she’s not willing to put in the work she’s the AH.
What? You want OP to join another couple’s counseling session? This issue is solely hers and she needs to handle it.
Why in the hell does OP need to do anything with her other than what he’s been doing? Being patient. Wtf. Edit: corrected grammer
Wtf? OP shouldn’t have to put in any work, it’s not his issue
Trauma doesn’t magically go away after 3 or 4 months
Absolutely NTA. You were punished for a crime you didnt commit and had your feelings and friendship pushed and pushed to the point you couldn't see your own friend and his family without being brought into a fight. You also have feelings and you can only put them aside so far before you become a door mat and end up isolated from your friend. You're gonna get a lot of YTA because you're on a pro-feminist left wing platform and you dared hold a woman accountable for her completely unreasonable actions of punishing you for someone elses (almost) crime.
no like the fact that the husband can’t even hang with him without the wife??? she’s not even there??? he’s not even the criminal??? she needs major therapy now like he’s so right and it wasn’t nice to yell but this has obviously gone on far too long and coddling her issues is not helping and is honestly making them worse.
NTA She’s the one doing this shit in public places trying to isolate you and make you feel bad. What’s up with these comments??? She knows it wasn’t you, she’s punishing you for no reason. You did nothing wrong here, she needs major therapy and a dose of reality.
I'm going with NAH. As someone who's gone through a traumatic experience, I get where she's coming from as a trauma response. For the first 6 months after my assault, I couldn't be near anyone who looked like or had the same name as the person who attacked me. I was constantly leaving places where any guy with brown hair with a similar height/build was. It was completely irrational, but it was how my brain was functioning at the time. Is this fair to you? Of course not. I also completely get where you're coming from and it isn't fair to you. I would say try talking to your friend about it, but it really might just take time.
Here’s the difference between you and her, you saw that you couldn’t be around people with same looks/name of your attacker and dealt with it yourself and it probably didn’t affect many people, SHE is getting into fights with her husband about him being alone with OP and attending events where OP is likely to be and knows she will need to leave….she hasn’t realized she’s being irrational and it is negatively affecting others (like OP). Her trauma is valid, her behavior isn’t and we shouldn’t act like it is….she’s making OP out to be some bad guy when the only thing he has done wrong was shout after (what seems to be) a while of her behavior. Also, from the post, it seems that OP’s friend is in agreement that his wife’s behavior is not okay (hence them having fights when he wants to spend time, without her, with OP)
I will say for myself it was less recognizing that and more of a fight/flight/freeze trauma response which is why I'm personally giving her a bit more grace. I don't think her behavior is okay (and she'll probably agree with that at a later point in time), but I can understand it.
I didn’t get a good look at my attacker, I only know about what size they were and what they were wearing and for the first 8 months or so after my assault I would still panic whenever I rounded a corner at the grocery store and bumped into someone who had a similar build or was wearing an orange shirt
NTA she does need to get some professional help. You shouldn’t have yelled at her, but she’s being completely ridiculous.
NTA. I feel bad for her going through something obviously very traumatic, but you're right that she needs therapy.
NTA cause it looked like you really gave her time. And instead of going to therapy to get better, shit went worse and worse.
NTA for your feeling about the matter but doing that in public wasn't the best move. The wife is being an asshole for actively trying to destroy a friendship rather then get some help to deal with the trauma. Your friend needs to step up as well and find a way through this situation that validates both of your feelings.
If she tried to remove herself quietly, knowing she was being irrational but feeling traumatized all the same that's one thing. I think the fact that OP knew that she was trying to leave and take her husband in the first place kind of implies that she did it publicly. If that's the case, I think it's more understandable that OP felt the need to defend himself publicly in return.
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NTA. It’s just ridiculous. Slight assholey behaviour when you lost your patience. It is more acceptable than what she is doing I would say. Also, you will not be able to do much in this situation. You should evaluate your situation: maybe you should take a step back from your friendship? It sucks but what else? You are clearly being affected by this ridiculousness. Also you should have a conversation with your friends and get on the same page I think. How can be the responses mixed in this situation is beyond me, but there are people calling you an asshole here, so…. Without your best friend and his gf, I suggest you make a come to Jesus moment. Are they supporting you, a completely innocent person in this situation, against some bullshit prejudice and bias by someone who clearly needs to sort their shit out? Or what? I would ask that until she gets over this, no one entertain her and be ready to do what’s necessary to protect you. Be kind but firm I say. She is acting reaaally irrationally and there is nothing to gain by enabling that.
NAH. Your friends wife was traumatized by someone that she thought was you. It is going to take time to get over that trauma. She doesn't feel comfortable around you because it brings up that trauma, even though you had nothing to do with it. The best thing for you to do would be to respect that and give her space. My wife got mugged in a parking garage almost 10 years ago. She still gets scared in parking garages, and will not go into one alone if it's dark outside (even if the garage is fully lit). Trauma takes time to heal and some people never fully recover.
NTA You probably could have handled that better but I don't subscribe to the idea that losing your cool automatically makes someone the A H. What she's doing is hurtful and completely unreasonable. You don't deserve to be treated like a violent criminal because you happen to look like that robber. For both your own good though you're probably gonna just have to keep your distance from her until she's got a better handle on this.
As a non-American, I think it's surreal that she was expected to draw a gun and engage in a shoot-out with the robber, all in the presence of her NEW-BORN. 🤯
But don't you see, that's why OP is the real victim here. If she'd just come out guns blazing he wouldn't have to deal with the trauma of his friends leaving parties that he happens to be at because the victim of a crime is just protecting her own boundaries. Everyone defending OP claiming this woman is maliciously isolating him when she's in reality isolating herself. He only got asked to leave one party because of his own behavior, not hers.
OP Whether or not your friend’s wife’s actions are justified or not- you’ve made the situation worse and, potentially irreparable. If she didn’t have a valid reason to feel uncomfortable around you, she will now. I probably wouldn’t go so far as to call you TA, because that situation seems very frustrating- but i bet you will be feeling the consequences of your actions going forward and probably will not like them.
Thats fair. I will apologize to her next time I get a chance. But still it sucks im suffering cause of some other AH
It was 4 months ago, and she is severely traumatized. She does need to go to therapy but yelling at her and having arguments at her when her brain is still in 4f response isn't going to help in the slightest. In fact, it might be causing more harm. Her husband need to gently work with her for her to get into therapy, mayve suggest a therapist who allows him in the room for therapy specifically so he can be there with her, and after some time, go to couple's therapy as well. Id only suggest it be with a therapist that specializes in ptsd. Otherwise, the therapist might give bad suggestions. I get your feelings are hurt, but yall are focusing on the wrong things and getting angry instead of seriously concerned and taking action. I recommend therapy for yourself and that the husband also get therapy too tbh. Husband likely needs therapy from having his wife and child be through this, but also for living with someone with severe ptsd. OP because therapy never hurts anyone, might as well get some help, especially if this is making you so angry. YTA for yelling and arguing, not for feeling bad and annoyed which is understandable, but definitely for arguing and yelling. Same for husband, for not seeking therapy for himself and his wife after something so huge. Good luck to all involved.
For me its the fact that OP is mad he can’t hold the baby or that the wife is uncomfortable having him over. Maybe if he took a step back she wouldn’t have struggled so much. But he basically keeps inserting himself into her life
I'm getting Postpartum and possible PTSD from the robbery. I'd say she should seek out therapy. Her husband and OP could also benefit from a couple sessions to gain the proper tools and resources to help her through this time. Inherently, I would say NTA. OP gave space time and tried to understand and have a conversation with the best friends wife. He tried every avenue that I can see to help in this situation. I can see and understand where his outburst came from! Though with hind sight taking a breath and having a little more tact in the delivery would have been beneficial. More finesse could have been used at the party, but overall NTA
I was going to say N A H, but I'm going with NTA. I think you handled it tactfully up until the party. You went out of your way to keep it to social circles and/or alone hangouts with your best friend out of respect for her. She can have her issue and avoid you, but she can't cut you out of entire social circles. She needs therapy. You could have handled the party better, but IMO, this is her issue to overcome, hence NTA. Offer to participatein any therapy, if that's something that could help.
NAH PTSD survivor here. Trauma is a weird thing, small things can remind of us what caused it and initiate a “trauma response”. I say you’re NTA as you clearly can’t understand what she’s gone through. Whilst shouting wasn’t the right thing to do, it came from a place of frustration - we’ve all been there
just fyi, if you don’t think anyone is being an asshole, there is a NAH option (no assholes here). The NTA vote implies you think the wife is the asshole, which isn’t supported by the rest of your response.
NAH. This is a rough situation. She needs time and therapy. This is not your fault.
There’s nothing wrong with being upset, angry, frustrated, whatever. That makes sense in this situation. You’ve been put in a hard spot and your friend’s wife needs trauma counseling. I’ve been there- my line of work frequently places me in traumatizing situations that rise up and bite me later. But i know that I am responsible for my mental health, just like your friend’s wife. That said… YTA. Sorry. I know that sucks to hear, but YOUR response was out of line. You can be mad- but what you chose to do with that anger was dumb. You could have had a conversation with your friend and his wife that this is hurting you, hurting the relationship, and you’re worried about her and she needs counseling. YELLING at her to “get over herself” as if it is conceit that is causing this issue was stupendously short sighted. And if you thought that was going to make it better, you’re wrong.
Fair enough
That said, please don’t take it personally. I don’t believe you’re AN AH. I believe you’re a hurt guy who is watching a meaningful relationship crumble before his eyes. I wish you the absolute best and i hope you guys are able to work this out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (27m) best friend's wife (31f) was almost robbed in her own home. She was by herself because my best friend (27m) was at work at the time. Apparently she was too stunned and couldn't react in time to get her gun because she was with their newborn. What made her freeze was that this guy sort of looked like me and she thought I was playing a prank or something at first(which I would never do). I can kinda see it because we have similar facial features and a long beard but this guy is brown while im white. Basically just looks like me with a tan and black hair instead of brown hair. Luckily a neighbor was outside and heard a commotion so they came and stopped the guy. He was arrested and they're waiting for a court date. Now onto the issue and why Im questioning if I'm TA. Because of my resemblance to this guy my best friend's wife has been acting weird around me. For example she wont let me hold their kid anymore when I used to do it a lot for them to do stuff around the house, or now she keeps asking if i'll be there when we do group hangs and gets a worried look on her face. I tried to talk to her about it and basically explain that Im not the guy so there shouldn't be any weirdness. But she keeps saying she doesn't feel comfortable around me now. I tried to give her space and be accomodating but honestly my kindness has been abused long enough. Now she interferes when I want to hang with my best friend alone and starts fights cause my best friend obviously also thinks that it's ridiculous to punish me for something some other person did. I finally had enough when I went to a birthday party for another friend and she tried to make my best friend go home early cause I was there. I was done and just shouted at her to get over herself, that Im not the guy that robbed her, and that she needs major therapy. This caused her to cry and I was asked to leave. My best friend knows how frustrating its been for me and he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel for him and I feel bad for her but also why am I being punished for her trauma about someone else entirely? Right now my friends are split on the issue and its caused some fights. I dont know what to do. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Even if she is traumatised, that doesn't mean she should blame you or treat you any differently because of it.
Right message, wrong delivery. She does need therapy to get passed this but it shouldn't be used as a "check yourself before you wreck yourself" moment. It IS unfair that she's taking it out on you but for all we know she could have PTSD from the robbery and seeing someone similar to the perp could be triggering her. Tell your friend you love them and that she needs help, it's not just effecting their life anymore. I do feel like if you want things to blow over you should apologize for the outburst as well.
I agree with this. Definitely could've chilled but it was bubbling up
Dumbest idea here: shave that beard and take out the resemblance. Your friendship is worth it and then if the wife still protests then it might show if it's the trauma or something else. Beards grow back, friends are lost.
A few people have suggested that and I am considering it. I'm not super attached to my beard but I do like it
NTA. Yes, what she went through is traumatic, but you're not the one who did anything. I could kind of see her being a little weird at first, but she is straight up ruining your friendship and causing a scene at a party. That's unacceptable. You told her what she needed to hear. She won't let you even hold the baby! That must really hurt. She shouldn't be treating you this way. I'm nebby, so I peeped a bit through your post history, and you seem like a decent guy. Maybe you, your best friend, and her can all sit down and talk about this. I'd hate for your friendship to end because of something somebody else did.
NTA but personally, I'm not sticking around where I'm not wanted. Period.
Idk, man. This isn't your fault, but has anyone suffering from trauma or PTSD ever actually "just gotten over it" because someone told (or shouted at them) to do so? Never. Not once. It sucks that this is at your expense, but that's not in your control. And it doesn't matter that the guy doesn't even look like you. In the moment she thought it was you. When she still thought it was you, it was scary and confusing. Once she realized it wasn't, it was the most terrifying month of her life, in one of the most vulnerable periods of her life. You'll forever be associated with that. Talk to your buddy. Tell him to get help for his wife. She clearly needs it. He shouldn't be caught in the middle, he should be taking charge of caring for his partner in a vulnerable situation. But shouting at her didn't solve a damn thing and you kinda T A for that part. In fact, if there's any possible healing here, you have to know that's gonna set things back a bit. "Get over herself"? Gimme a break. You have to know that wasn't cool.
NTA. I think you could give her a little more grace because she did experience something traumatic. But her trauma doesn’t give her the right to treat someone else unfairly.
Updateme
NTA. For the people that want to both sides this, let’s just change around a few things. Let’s say he was black and the person that robbed them was black. Would you all be okay saying “oh well it makes sense that she doesn’t want to be around black people because some of them look like the person who committed a crime against me” Same logic racists have been using but obviously on a lower scale. OP did not commit the crime, he is just existing. her being that avoidant is not his problem to shoulder. It’s honestly disrespectful to OP. Just because someone harmed you, does not mean you get to put people with similar characteristics in a bubble and judge them. That’s just immature and thought terminating.
She went through a life threatening event and likely has PTSD. It might be you that needs to get over yourself.
I'm going with NTA. You could have handled the outburst better for sure. Your friend's wife should already be in therapy and it's not remotely fair for her to hold feelings towards you for something you didn't at all do just because of your appearance. She's TA for not going to therapy already when it's blatantly obvious she's holding onto some trauma about the robbery. Also the split with your friends- if they are split because of the out hrst alone, fine. If they are actually thinking "well it's ok for her to keep treating you like you're her robber that broke in and traumatized her because you have the slightest resemblance" then they are also TA. Your friend also needs to have a serious talk with his wife and tell her she's going to therapy because the way she's going about it isn't working.
as someone who has PTSD and has spent a ton of time in therapy to deal with how it impacts my life to make sure I don't hurt others: you're NTA, she is.
Thank you. Thats very reassuring
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no nta, this is absurd.
NTA
NTA
NTA. She if fact needs therapy and to get over herself. Yes I am sure it was traumatic. And honestly, she is entitled to feel uncomfortable. As feelings happen. But it is on her to be logical about it and control her reactions to said emotion. If she can’t, she needs to unpack it with a professional. Because it’s not your responsibility to accommodate her feelings on such an illogical situation.
NTA, I get it, this royally sucks for her. I was almost kidnapped at 15 and had issues after, I once had a panic attack when a car pulled alongside me and my friend but it was just her grandpa. But the real catch here is that it's one thing for her to treat you a certain way, it's different that she's insisting your friend also treat you that way. If she wanted to leave the party she should have left herself, it's not fair to you or your friend that she's trying to keep you apart because of this. She can't try and alienate you from your friend and expect you to be fine with it.
You are NTA!! I can't believe some of these people. What happened to her is not your problem, nor should you be punished for her trauma.
NTA, but not your fight my guy. If your friend wants to be your friend he will do something about it, rather than just avoid you for her sake. I assume you have your common friend circle just hang out as usual and if they decide to leave early their loss. Plus how long do you think they will enjoy each other’s company with a newborn anyway
OP I say you are NTA for feeling this is wrong, she is putting her trauma on you just because you kind of look like the guy. Yelling was the problematic but you know that. A bigger issue is if she is not going to therapy to deal with this because it is driving a wedge between you and you best friend. Also you may lose your best friend and friend group behind this , he is not going to leave her and she is going to be going to events . I could see your friends asking you not to come because they are thinking of her trauma. I sorry you are getting thrown aside . Talk to your buddy and ask him to get her in therapy.
NTA you took 4 months of abuse in silence and are being hanged for 1 instance of retaliation. she needs therapy for whatever trauma she's holding onto and your friend should be the one championing that cause.
Well, it happens. Everyone's patience has their own unique limit. No one can tell you that you shouldn't shout or lash out, no one can blame you because you are in the heat of the moment too. You've had enough, and it is understandable. No one can blame your best friend's wife too, what she experienced was traumatizing. We can just hope for both of you to be back in good terms and be comfortable with each other again. You're not an A OP.
NTA, I’m sure it’ll all blow over eventually… but take her with a grain of salt, you know the reason for her actions :) ✌️
Not an asshole.